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It didn’t really matter that, at exactly three years old, Pan was still a little too young to really understand the meaning of a birthday party. Her proud grandma Chichi was feeling lonely since Goku was off training with Whis again, and knew this was as good of an excuse as any to hold a get together and invite all of her friends. The RSVP’s were overwhelmingly positive- no one wanted to miss out on Chichi’s cooking! This included, of course, Yamcha and Puar, who headed straight over after baseball practice. Yamcha had recently transitioned from playing the game himself to coaching, but his methods were fairly hands on, resulting in him being every bit as sweaty and dirty as the rest of the team. Puar had briefly scolded him for this and suggested they make a quick stop at their home for at least a change of clothes and quick shower, but Yamcha wasn’t having it. “Come on, Puar! Last time we were late to one of these things almost all of the curry had been eaten! You know Chichi makes the best curry ever, I can’t risk it!” So they showed up at Mr. Satan’s mansion- still somewhat disheveled- five minutes before the scheduled 7PM start time. Multiple generations of Gohan and Videl’s family were already there, of course, along with Piccolo and Krillin. After greeting everyone and grabbing his first of what he hoped would be many bowls of curry he sat down on the couch next to Videl. “Geez,” he said, laughing, “It feels like just yesterday that we found out you were pregnant, and now look her! Pan can walk and even talk some?” “The pediatrician says she’s really advancing quickly for her age. And now she wants dance lessons! But her favorite thing,” she giggled, and dropped her voice a bit, “is posing. Gohan is so proud, it’s adorable. He’s already convinced she’ll be the Great Saiyaman of the next generation!” “Oh yeah?” Yamcha asked between mouthfuls of curry. “Hey Pan, come show Uncle Yamcha your posing skills!” The half Saiyan had been over by the dessert table, staring longingly at the cake, but approached when called. “Yes sir!” She said. “Even her voice is starting to sound so mature!” Videl commented. “Anyway, go on honey, show Yamcha your routine.” Pan nodded, stood up as straight as a toddler could, put her hands on her hips, and loudly declared, “I am… Great Saiya-Pan!” Then launched into a series of goofy, but surprisingly precise and well choreographed, poses. Gohan ran over from the other side of the room, clapping for a moment, then hitting a button on his watch, switching to his super hero outfit and joining her in the posing. Yamcha laughed awkwardly, the second hand embarrassment making him cringe, but Videl just watched them fondly. “My family are a bunch of dorks. I love them so much!” With that, Yamcha excused himself, grabbed a second bowl of curry, and sat down with Puar, Krillin, and 18. The friends chatted as more guests slowly filtered in. Half an hour later, Yamcha was wondering how much curry was left as the rest of the group at his table conversed with a recently arrived Bulma and Vegeta. His thoughts elsewhere, he almost missed when a question was directed to him. Puar had his back though- literally, he gave him a good hard poke, bringing his mind away from food and back to his companions. “Sorry, what was that?” Bulma sighed, “I asked you what you’d been up to lately, that’s all.” “Oh, well, I think I already told you guys, I’ve been doing some coaching for the Taitans, that’s been keeping me pretty busy! Compared to actually playing, well, it’s a whole different game, but it’s kinda fun in it’s own way.” “And how’s your personal life been?” She asked, winking. Vegeta snorted. Maybe it was Vegeta’s dismissal that motivated what happened next, but almost unthinkingly, as he glanced at the various happy couples around the room, Yamcha decided to tell a tiny white lie. “Actually, I have been seeing someone for the last couple months, it’s been going really well!” Puar was visibly shocked- he knew better than anyone that Yamcha was as single as ever. His human friend quickly grabbed him in a big hug to hide his expression, saying, “Ha ha, thanks for helping me keep this a secret Puar! You know I was just waiting for the right time to tell everyone!” The hint was obvious, so Puar just smiled a bit and laughed as well. “You know I’m so happy for you right now, Yamcha!” The rest of the group were naturally curious. “So what’s this new guy or girl like? Anyone we know?” Krillin asked, leaning forward. Vegeta frowned. “Guy or girl? Since when has Yamcha been anything but straight?” “Oh my god,” Bulma bust out laughing, “You weren’t here when he asked Tien out and got completely shot down!” Krillin was laughing too, “It was brutal! I’ve never felt so bad for anyone!” Having heard his name, Tien approached from a table away. “Wait a moment, Yamcha, were you serious when you asked me that?” Yamcha, who had been blushing and staring at his empty bowl, looked up. “Are you kidding me? Of course I was! I totally poured my heart out!” Tien shrugged. “Ah. Sorry I was so blunt then.” “Well uh, now that you know…” “Still not interested.” “Ouch. Can’t you let me down gently this time?” Yamcha asked helplessly. The rest of the group enjoyed a laugh at poor Yamcha’s expense, Vegeta loudest of all. Desperate to save face, Yamcha continued, “It’s okay though! If we had been together I wouldn’t have met my new man, and he’s just so amazing. It’s a shame he couldn’t be here tonight for you all to meet him!” Vegeta smirked. “It must be hard for you, knowing you reached your dating peak so long ago. Whoever this new person is they’re undoubtably quite a few steps down from my Bulma.” “Oh Vegeta, are you complimenting me?” The woman in question asked, batting her eyelashes at her husband. He looked in the opposite direction and crossed his arms with a sigh. Yamcha was still desperate to impress. “Well actually, Bulma did set my standards super high, so unsurprisingly my new date is also rich, a genius, and gorgeous! Like, ridiculously pretty and smoking hot! Famous, too!” “Pretty? Interesting word choice for a man,” Vegeta commented, raising an eyebrow. Puar jumped in to help at that. “Well he is, even I think he’s pretty! He’s got a very androgynous look so pretty suits him better than handsome!” “Yeah Vegeta, don’t be so closed minded! Men can be pretty, especially mine! Not that he isn’t also super handsome,” Yamcha added. “Pretty face, buff, handsome body! The perfect combination!” This caught Piccolo’s attention. “Buff? So he’s strong, is he?” Vegeta rolled his eyes, “He’s probably a weakling like Yamcha, any of the real warriors here would likely kill him by accident if he tried to fight.” Yamcha had to think fast- he didn’t want Vegeta to get the last laugh on this, but he also knew if word got back to Goku that there was a potential strong new friend to spar with that he wouldn’t take no for an answer… “Oh, well, um… He is strong, like, scary strong, but not just anyone can fight him, you know, his body guards won’t allow it. Sorry guys!” “Bodyguards?” Puar once again interjected, “Well yeah, he’s royalty after all! Bodyguards are a given!” 18 leaned across the table. “So you’re seriously saying that you’ve been dating a man with lots of money that happens to be smart, good looking, famous, strong, and royalty, and yet you haven’t been bragging about this or introduced us yet?” She stared at him, skeptical. Well damn, when she worded it like that Yamcha realized just how big and ridiculous sounding his little lie had became. So he did what anyone would do- He doubled down on it. “Yep, that’s right! Pretty impressive huh? I’ve just been keeping it quiet because he asked me to.” Vegeta stared down at the table, his hands balling into fists. Yamcha wasn’t sure what was going through his mind, but what he did know was that he wanted to end this particular conversation before he lost track of his convoluted net of lies. He stood up. “I’m gonna see if any of that curry is left…” Before he could take more than a couple steps toward the kitchen, he heard the crash of a chair hitting the floor and a pain in his arm as he was roughly grabbed and spun back around by Vegeta. “Hey, what the hell man?!” “Tell me, Yamcha. Who exactly have you been seeing?” It was funny how intimidating a man so much shorter than himself could be. “Answer me. Now.” Several of the group stood up and approached cautiously. Yamcha glanced at Gohan. At least he was there, even if Goku wasn’t… Despite whatever Bulma saw in him, he had never fully trusted Vegeta when it came to his own safety! “Just… just a guy. A hot guy. That’s all.” Vegeta tightened his already painful grip, and Yamcha had to concentrate on not crying out for a second. “Did you think I couldn’t figure it out? It’s obvious who you were describing. How the hell could you think it’s a good idea to date someone like him?!” Yamcha still had no idea who Vegeta was talking about, but he’d gone too far with this to back down now! “Look, my love life is my own business, Vegeta. I don’t need or want your judgement. I don’t know who you’re assuming I’m with, but I promise you, my boyfriend is amazing, and if you don’t like the fact that I’m happy, then that’s you’re problem!” Feeling inspired, he further bolstered his lie by adding, “Maybe this is why I didn’t want to tell all of you, I didn’t want to have to face your unaccepting closed mindedness!” “Oh. My. Goodness!” Bulma suddenly shouted, jumping out of her seat and running over, knocking Vegeta to the side as she grabbed Yamcha’s hands. “Of course, it all makes sense, I know who it is! No wonder you didn’t want to tell us!” She beamed at him. “I get it. You knew Vegeta and maybe some of the rest would judge you, but honestly, I think it’s wonderful! I mean, sure he’s been completely horrible in the past, but if anyone can be a good influence on him it’s you, Yamcha! I’m proud of you for being brave enough to go after him in the first place, and honestly? I always did think he was a little cute!” She winked. Yamcha still had no idea what those two were talking about, but some desperate self preservation instinct urged him to continue to play along. “Thanks, Bulma. That means a lot to me! I knew you at least would understand.” “Then you really are dating… him?” Vegeta asked, his voice almost shaking with rage. Yamcha turned to face him, about to say some other generic confirmation, but Vegeta cut him off. “You’re dating Frieza?!” There was a moment of silence, then chaos. Yamcha couldn’t quite process what anyone was saying as his mind went back through everything he’d said. Somehow, in describing what was supposed to be an impossible, perfect, dream man, he had accidentally given a perfect description of… Oh no. And yet, looking around at the group that surrounded him, of the varying emotions on their faces, he saw two more than any other- surprise… and respect. “You know, I’d been wondering why he hadn’t attacked Earth yet, what with being alive again and all,” Krillin commented. “I guess now we know why!” “This is difficult to believe,” Piccolo said, crossing his arms and fixing Yamcha in a hard stare. “Frieza is evil. Why would he be fraternizing with a human hero in the first place? If, and I emphasize that ‘if,’ you really are dating him, I’d be suspicious of his motives.” Yamcha’s brain was running at ninety miles an hour- the smart thing to do would be to confirm they were wrong, but… would it hurt anything if they thought he was with Frieza? It certainly did make him sound impressive, and he could always pretend he dumped the emperor in a couple weeks. It’s not like Frieza would ever find out, he was off in space being evil or whatever, right? So he took a deep breath. “Alright guys, since you’ve all figured it out, yes, yes I am dating Frieza! And to answer your question, Piccolo, well…” “Well, hello.” At the sound of that familiar voice, Yamcha slowly turned around. It couldn’t be… but it was. Standing casually in the door frame was none other than the subject of his lie himself- Frieza. None of the group had seen him in the couple years since the Tournament of Power, but he hadn’t changed- he was still in his fourth form, and absolutely radiated strength and malice. Piccolo, Gohan, and Videl jumped in front of Pan, who looked up from the tablet she had been playing with only long enough to say “Hello!” and wave at the newcomer. The rest of the fighters in the group also got to their feet and took on their stances- except Yamcha, who was still too stunned by his bad luck to react. Frieza glanced around the room, his eyes landing on Yamcha. He approached the human. “It’s always so good to get to see you, my dear Yamcha.” “Wait, they really are together?!” Gohan asked, slack jawed. As if in answer, Frieza grabbed Yamcha in a very awkward hug, drawing further gasps from the crowd. Very quietly, so that only Yamcha could hear, the emperor whispered, “Keep playing along. Otherwise I’ll kill you,” then let go, taking a step back and speaking to the full group. “So you finally decided to tell your friends about us?” “Um… yes?” Yamcha answered, trying to regain his cool. “Can we just… step outside for a moment, babe?” Without waiting for an answer, he ran out the door. Frieza followed. Once they were out in the yard, the two men faced each other. “What the hell is going on?” The emperor crossed his arms. “I heard you were making up stories about us.” “I am so sorry about that! I didn’t intend to, I honestly wasn’t even thinking about you! I mean, I’ve only even met you once before this, when we were all fighting Android 21- this whole thing is an accident! The rest of the group, they were the ones that decided I was describing you! I didn’t mean anything by it! Please don’t kill me!” “I’m not going to kill you, Yamcha. Actually, this is very convenient for me.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “We’re going to pretend to be…” Frieza paused to shudder for a moment, then continued, “…boyfriends. You get what you want, and I’ll get what I want. It’s a mutually beneficial situation as long as you keep playing along.” “I’m sure the answer is something terrible, but, uh… what do you get out of this?” “I’d assume that’s obvious. I want the trust of Son Goku and his associates, for the sake of plotting my revenge. I’m sure you’ve already guessed that your planet has been living on borrowed time ever since I was revived, correct? Work with me in this ruse and your life at least will be spared. Fail to cooperate and I will not only kill you, I’ll kill… what’s your pet’s name again?” “You… you mean Puar?” For the first time since Frieza had made his appearance, Yamcha’s mind was clear. “Listen, Frieza, and listen good. You so much as lay a finger on Puar and I’ll make you regret it!” “I doubt you could,” Frieza answered. “But if you care at all about that rodent- and you clearly do- you’ll obey me on this.” “Shit… You’ve really got me cornered here…” “Perhaps you should have considered that possibility before you started pretending you were dating the most powerful being in the universe?” “Wait a second,” Yamcha asked, “How did you even know I was telling everyone that?” “Simple. One of your so called friends works for me and gave me a heads up.” Smirking at the human’s shocked expression, he added, “keep that in mind if you consider trying to tell anyone what I’m really up to. If my spy finds out they will let me know and then I will kill Puar in front of you in the most painful method imaginable. And trust me, I can be very imaginative when it comes to the topic of revenge.” “…got it.” The human knew that, for the moment at least, he didn’t have much of a choice, but he couldn’t just let the emperor get away with what he was planning. A desperate thought came to him- he couldn’t win in a fight with Frieza, and he couldn’t risk trying to get the help of any of his friends, but there was one other possibility… What if he could get Frieza to like him for real? Then maybe he actually would switch sides? “Don’t look up, but we’re being watched.” This brought Yamcha out of his thoughts, and without moving his head he looked back toward the house out of the corner of his eye. Sure enough, his friends were all at the window. “We can’t let them be suspicious, so kiss me.” “Wait, really?!” “Just do it. Imagine I’m someone else if you have to. Don’t forget what’s on the line here!” “Okay,” Yamcha grabbed Frieza’s upper arms, trying not to think about just how deadly they could be, and leaned down, closing his eyes and pressing their lips together. The emperor tilted his head back a little and placed his hands on the human’s lower back, pulling their bodies together. Yamcha had intended to pretend it was Bulma that he was making out with, but that proved to be impossible. For one thing, everything about Bulma was soft. Frieza was the opposite, other than perhaps his lips. They were the other problem, as Bulma’s had never been quite this good at kissing… Sure, there was a stiffness to the whole thing that made it clear that it was fake, but it still felt surprisingly nice. Indeed, their faked passion resulted in a very real racing heartbeat. When they pulled apart a few moments later Yamcha stared at the shorter man. “Well, that was unexpected.” Frieza just shook his head. “What on this wretched planet have you been eating?” “Oh, it was curry, sorry,” Yamcha answered, embarrassed, before quickly wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “I see. Anyway, it worked, it seems we made things significantly uncomfortable for our viewers, as our audience has greatly diminished.” Indeed, just Master Roshi was still watching at this point. “What a pervert,” Yamcha muttered. “Anyway, now that I’ve made our position clear, let’s head back in. And remember, not a word of my real intentions can be shared with your friends. You still don’t know who is working with me, after all.” With that in mind, the two men headed back inside. Immediately Vegeta had Frieza by the throat. “I don’t care if you are with that idiot, I refuse to allow you on my planet!” Frieza was unconcerned, and held his hands in the air in a sarcastic gesture of surrender. “My apologies, Vegeta. I can’t expect you to tolerate my presence after what I’ve done to your race. But I can’t leave Earth, not as long as Yamcha’s here, right, my dear?” Time to finally put his highschool acting classes to use! Yamcha confidentially put one arm around Frieza’s shoulders and used the other to push Vegeta back a little. “Look, Vegeta, you don’t have to like it, but considering how tolerant I was of you when you first came back to Earth after the incident on Namek, you really have no room to pretend Frieza isn’t welcome here. You’ve had a change of heart, why can’t he?” “Yeah, let Yamcha be happy for once!” Bulma said, grabbing a speechless Vegeta and pulling him back to his seat. In the awkward silence that followed Puar made eye contact with Yamcha and glanced toward the kitchen. The human nodded just slightly. “Well, assuming no one else wants a chance to try pick a fight, I’m gonna go grab some more food.” He was stopped by a hand on his wrist. “I’ll go with you,” Frieza stated. “I fear that if I stay in here without you Vegeta will decide to make another attempt at me, and I’d hate to have to kill him in self defense and ruin the atmosphere of this get together.” Puar was already waiting in the kitchen, but with Frieza following him Yamcha couldn’t fill his best friend in on what was really happening. So instead he forced a smile and tried to sound reassuring. “Look, I can’t give you the full details right now, Puar, but please keep playing along with this okay? I promise I’ll let you know what’s happening as soon as I can.” “But Yamcha-“ Frieza cut him off. “It’s generally a bad idea to ask too many questions, rodent. Now let’s get back to the other room, we wouldn’t want to keep your friends waiting would we?” And so Yamcha found himself sitting on the couch by Frieza, holding his hand and trying to look natural. Piccolo sat on his other side, glaring at the emperor. “You never answered my question from earlier. What exactly transpired to bring you two together?” Before he could bullshit an answer, Frieza spoke. “Well, not long after my revival I came to this planet with the intention of finally getting my revenge on Son Goku. However, as fate would have it I happened to run into Yamcha. He recognized me, of course, and quickly figured out my objective. Since he knew he had no chance against me in a fight, he got on his knees and begged me to spare his homeworld. It was so pitiful that I actually felt bad for him.” Ugh. Not liking how this painted him, Yamcha added, “Well, it wasn’t really begging, more like asking respectfully!” Frieza smiled wickedly. “Oh, no need to hide it, you were definitely begging. Tears in your eyes and everything.” Two could play at this game. “Okay, maybe I was begging, but apparently you found it charming, Frieza! I mean, you got downright flustered! I think that might have been the moment you fell in love with me.” 18 snickered, “Really Frieza? That’s precious.” For the sake of their audience the emperor hid his irritation, but did give Yamcha’s hand an intentionally painful squeeze. “I suppose pitiful yet handsome was a combination I couldn’t resist.” Piccolo still had his doubts. “And what exactly do you see in Frieza, Yamcha?” The human honestly didn’t know how to answer that for a moment, but he supposed there were a few things he could say that were true enough to be believable. “Well, you have to respect someone that can get things done, even if they’re horrible things, right? And besides, he’s a great kisser!” Unable to resist messing with the other man a little more, he added, “And I’ve learned that once you get to know him you see the whole tough guy thing is just an act to hide the fact that he’s actually totally insecure!” Frieza caught his eye for a moment and gave him a glare and another of those painful hand squeezes before forcing himself to smile and address the rest of the group. “That’s enough about us. I couldn’t help but notice that Goku hasn’t made any appearances at this event. Where is he? I’d love a chance to apologize for the trouble I’ve made for him in the past.” Chichi’s tone was wistful. “He’s off training again. I’m sure he’ll be back soon enough though, especially if you’re here.” “When he does return, please, let him know I’ve been looking for him. Until then I’ll be staying with Yamcha, of course.” Yamcha was afraid he’d say that. Well, who knows, maybe his half joked plan of actually getting Frieza to fall for him for real would be possible that way… “Of course! You know you’re always welcome at my place, babe! So if anyone here needs to contact Frieza just let me know!” From the other side of the room, Gohan and Videl watched. “I don’t trust this, at all,” Gohan said quietly. “Agreed. I don’t think either of those two are being honest here… and I really don’t like the possibilities that come to mind when I try to guess what Frieza could truly be up to.” “Yamcha’s a bad liar but a good person. I don’t know why he’s going along with whatever Frieza has planned, but I’m betting if we pushed him enough he’d come clean…” Videl’s expression turned mischievous. “Are you thinking perhaps the Great Saiyaman team should do some undercover work here?” Gohan grinned. For the rest of the evening Yamcha endeavored to keep a low profile, a difficult thing when you’re pretending to date someone who had, at some point, either killed or attempted to kill everyone present. Some of them more than once! Frieza, thankfully, was very civil, which the human was grateful for, even if he knew his real motive for being so wasn’t a pleasant one. As the evening wore on and people slowly started to leave Yamcha’s nervousness increased- soon he’d have to leave himself, and the idea of being alone with Frieza was terrifying. By one in the morning it was just himself, his fake boyfriend, Puar, and Gohan and Videl’s immediate family left and he was out of excuses. “Well, I guess we should be getting home, huh?” Videl shook her head. “Oh no, it’s too late and I’m sure you’re exhausted. We have plenty of spare bedrooms, why not stay here tonight?” “Yeah, we’d feel terrible if you fell asleep at the wheel on the way home,” Gohan added. Before Frieza could say anything Yamcha jumped on this chance- he’d feel a lot safer under the same roof as the half Saiyan! “Wow, thanks, that’s so nice of you guys! If you’re sure we wouldn’t be intruding of course!” “Oh, it’s no trouble! We had two of the guest rooms made up earlier just in case anyone needed to stay. Here, we’ll show you the way!” As they walked down the hall, Frieza looked around a bit. “This is a surprisingly nice home.” “It’s a good thing you’re totally reformed now and wouldn’t consider trying to steal it or anything, ha ha ha,” Yamcha said. At the end of the hall there were three doors. “The left and right doors are to the bedrooms, the middle one is the bathroom. Yamcha, you came here straight from practice, right?” Gohan asked. Suddenly remembering the several hour old sweat and grime dried on his body he laughed, “yeah, I did. I probably reek, huh? I guess I should take a shower before bed.” Videl nodded. “It’s a full bathroom so you can use the shower in there. But uh, just so you know even though this house is pretty large our hot water heater is tiny, so if Frieza is showering too you should probably do it together!” “That’s… not necessary,” Frieza said. “Oh, it is, cold showers are awful after all and we wouldn’t want you to have to suffer through that! And besides, you’re a couple, right? So I’m sure it’s nothing you haven’t seen before!” Yamcha and Frieza were both speechless at that. The other two watched them, expectantly, but they kept up the act. “I… I guess we should shower together then! Come on my love!” Yamcha grabbed Frieza, pulled him into the bathroom, and slammed the door. Outside Videl and Gohan turned to Puar. “Do you have any idea what’s really going on here?” Puar nervously answered, “what do you mean? Nothing is going on! Why would you even ask?” Gohan sighed. “I know how loyal you are to Yamcha, and normally I respect that, but his safety, along with the rest of ours, is on the line here. Please, can you tell us what you know?” Puar just shook his head stubbornly. Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Yamcha looked around and whistled. “Damn, this is nice! I wish I had one like this at my place, I’ve never seen a shower this big!” Frieza turned on the water, more to cover the sound of their voices than anything else, then crossed his arms. “Those two are suspicious of us, we’ll need to tread carefully.” “Right, right… I’m pretty sure that line about the hot water was a lie.” “A very obvious one. You really should take a shower though, Yamcha. I haven’t been enjoying smelling you these last few hours.” “Oh don’t worry, that was the plan. Are you… joining me?” “Of course not.” “Just thought I’d ask!” Yamcha started to unbutton his shirt, watching Frieza out of the corner of his eye. The emperor sat on the sink and leaned back against the mirror, crossing his arms and shutting his eyes. Grateful for that, Yamcha quickly stripped out of his dirty clothing and jumped into the shower. As he cleaned himself up he thought over his situation… Frieza really had him stuck in a difficult position, didn’t he? If he didn’t play along with the lie then Puar would be in danger, but if he did continue to pretend to be dating this villain, then Frieza’s plan to gain the trust of the rest of the heroes could end very badly for everyone. Right now, his only option was to keep up the charade and try to figure out a way out of it… Maybe he really could get Frieza to want him? Yamcha was so consumed in thoughts of how to handle Frieza that he completely forgot the man in question was still in the bathroom, and he stepped out of the shower naked without thinking. He froze up when he saw the emperor, still sitting on the sink, but his eyes were no longer shut- in fact he was looking Yamcha over. With a nervous laugh he grabbed a towel and, blushing heavily, said the first thing that popped into his head. “Like what you see?” Frieza snorted and looked away. “Don’t flatter yourself.” Yamcha tried to dry off as quickly as he could, although as always his fluffy hair held water like a sponge and would take more time to dry than he’d like to spend in the awkward atmosphere of the bathroom. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Frieza was watching him again. “Okay, I’m done, let’s go.” The two men exited the bathroom- only to find Gohan and Videl still waiting in the hall. Since Yamcha was just wearing a towel Videl politely looked away. Gohan smiled at the fake couple. “Sorry, didn’t want to interrupt you two in there, but we just wanted to see if there was anything else we could do to insure your comfort while you’re here this evening.” “Oh no, it’s alright, you two have been very generous already. I think we’ll just go to bed now.” Gohan nodded, then pointed to the door on the left. “Puar’s already claimed that one and gone to sleep.” Frieza went straight to the other bedroom, and Yamcha approached Puar’s door- but Gohan stopped him. “Don’t you want to sleep in the same room as your boyfriend? I’m sure that’s what you two normally do, right?” “Of course we do,” Yamcha stammered, “I just didn’t want you guys to assume we were doing anything crude in one of your beds, ha ha…” Videl covered her face. “It’s… it’s okay if you do, nothing wrong with couples doing couple things.” “So go on then,” Gohan gestured toward the rightmost door. “Go be with your boyfriend! I’m sure that’s what you want, right?” Yamcha sighed and knocked on the door, “It’s me babe, I’m coming in…” Alone again in the hall, Gohan and Videl exchanged looks. “I can’t believe he’s still going along with it…” “Don’t worry Videl, we’ll get to the bottom of this one way or another!” Behind the bedroom door Frieza and Yamcha stared each other down for a moment. “I’m guessing you’re claiming the bed?” Yamcha asked. “Well of course. Emperor’s don’t sleep on the floor. Oh, and Yamcha, don’t even consider trying anything in the night. Don’t forget how easily I could…” he suddenly closed the distance between them with his inhuman speed and grabbed the human painfully by the hair. “…completely destroy you.” Before Yamcha could react to this, there was a light knock and then the door opened- Gohan again. Frieza used the grip he had on Yamcha’s hair to quickly pull him down and kiss him. Gohan quickly looked away. “Sorry for interrupting! I just wanted to bring you some clothes to borrow for tomorrow, since I doubt you want to put back on that filthy uniform!” “Thanks Gohan, you can just leave them on the floor by the door,” Yamcha said, painfully aware of how close his and Frieza’s bodies still were and just how intimate of a moment it must have looked like. When the door closed again Frieza let go of the human and looked thoughtful. “It seems they’re trying to catch us off guard. How troublesome…” “Gohan can be oblivious sometimes, but he’s a smart kid. I’m not surprised he’s seen through this. And Videl used to work with the cops so I’m sure she’s used to looking for tells that someone is lying…” “In case he comes back in… maybe we should share the bed.” “Yeah…” Back outside, a blushing Gohan explained what he saw to Videl. “I still don’t believe it though… I think they’re just managing to stay one step ahead of us.” “I’ve got an idea,” Videl said. “It’ll let us keep an eye on them the rest of the weekend. I’m sure they’ll slip up and then we can find out what Frieza’s really trying to do.” End Chapter One: Would I Lie To You?Author’s note: Dark stuff in chapter five of Professional Amateurs had me craving to write some fluff. Eh. This one’s gonna be short, probably only two chapters. The next is about seventy percent done. A certain detail in this is going to be added to the tags later but not yet to avoid spoilers. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve already guessed it though! Minimal editing since this isn’t a serious fic, sorry. I’d still seriously scream with joy if you comment though!
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Chapter Two: Lies Lies Lies Yeah Yamcha hadn’t shared a bed with anyone in a non-platonic way since he’d been dating Bulma, and while, technically, there was nothing between him and Frieza, the fact that they had kissed and were pretending to be dating made the intimacy of what they were doing… uncomfortable. It didn’t help that the bed was only a double, so there wasn’t a lot of free space, and Frieza took up a surprisingly large amount of the bed despite being a relatively small being, mostly due to his tail. Neither man could get comfortable it seemed. Flat on his back with his arms crossed over his chest Yamcha tried to keep his eyes shut and ignore the fact that Frieza kept rearranging himself a few inches away. A few times they bumped into each other, and the weird feelings of sharing a bed with his pretend boyfriend were further magnified by the fact that he hadn’t thought to ask Gohan if he could borrow some pajamas, so he was just in his shorts. After what felt like an hour of this, Yamcha whispered, “Look, I can’t sleep if you can’t stay still. If you need to use some of my space, well, that’s fine.” He heard Frieza sigh. “Fine then.” A moment later something surprisingly heavy draped over Yamcha’s legs- Frieza’s tail. “This doesn’t change anything- touch me and you’ll perish.” Yamcha laughed quietly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m legitimately completely terrified of you, but I don’t think you’re gonna jeopardize your plan and kill me just because I accidentally bump you in the night, especially with all the times you just did the same to me.” “Don’t push your luck.” Yamcha snickered some more. Frieza just sounded so amusingly grumpy and the whole situation was too ridiculous. All he had wanted when he woke up that morning was to have a normal day at his job and then see his friends and eat some curry… how the heck had that turned into, well, this? It was surreal. So for whatever dumb reason when the impulse hit him to poke Frieza in the back he did. “I’m assuming that was an accident?” “Of course, sorry.” He waited a moment and then did it again, shoving his face against the pillow to try and stifle his laughter. “You do realize I can feel the mattress shaking when you do that?” “It’s not that I’m laughing, I’m just shivering because it’s cold, that’s all!” Frieza turned slightly to look over his shoulder at Yamcha. “You don’t look like you’re cold.” “You just can’t tell because it’s so dark!” Frieza swore under his breath and turned back toward the wall. Fully aware he was being an idiot but too amused to stop Yamcha, still stifling his laughter, slowly reached back out and poked the smaller man once again. The emperor moved so fast that Yamcha couldn’t register it- one moment he was on his side on the other half of the bed, the next he was on top of the human, his head propped up on his elbows inches above Yamcha’s own, and his tail pinning Yamcha’s wrists against the headboard of the bed. “Well, you don’t feel cold. How strange. Surely you didn’t think you could lie to me?” Yamcha blinked. Frieza was… very close. “Well, you’re hot! Or, I mean, it’s hot that you’re on top of me- no, I mean, it’s not- it’s not cold now ha ha ha…?” “Well, if you don’t mind I’d like to attempt to get some sleep and your childish games are making that difficult. No more poking-“ he was interrupted by creaking floorboards in the hall. “Drat it all,” he quickly leaned down and wrapped his arms around Yamcha’s neck, pressing their lips together then holding the pose, listening. After a minute of silence, Yamcha whispered “I think it was a false alarm,” painfully aware of how their lips brushed together when he did so. Frieza lifted his head but only slightly and glared down at the other man. “When I said no poking, I didn’t just mean with your hands you know.” Yamcha realized what he meant and shut his eyes, blushing. “It’s a biological response to friction on that area! I can’t help it when you’re on top of me like this!” Frieza spat on him. “Filthy man.” He finally moved back off of the human. “You think you have the power in this situation because, as you’ve correctly assumed, I’m not going to just kill you or your pet over a petty irritation when I need you for a far grander purpose. But don’t think there aren’t other, less permanent ways I can punish you if you keep trying to play with me.” Yamcha wiped the smaller man’s spit off his cheek, looked him in the eye, lifted a hand, and poked him right in the center of his chest. Frieza kicked him out of the bed. From the floor, Yamcha whispered, “Ouch… Point taken. No more poking. Can I get back in bed?” “Suit yourself.” - - - The next morning Yamcha awoke to a loud, quick knocking on the door and then Gohan sticking his head into the room. “Good morning you two! I figured you wouldn’t want to sleep all day-“ at about the same moment that Yamcha finally actually woke up enough to realize what was going on at the door of the room, he noticed he’d somehow ended up with Frieza in his arms- and then he was on the floor on the other side of the room again. Frieza sat up, blinked, looked at Yamcha on the floor, then glared at Gohan. “See what happens when I’m woken up unexpectedly by a Saiyan?” “Sorry about that!” Gohan retreated and shut the door. In the hall, he turned to Videl, who was carrying Pan. “They were… holding each other. But Frieza pushed him away when he woke up, seems like this isn’t something they’re used to doing!” Videl set down her daughter and stared thoughtfully at the door. “Maybe they were only cuddling by accident? I’d bet they fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed and just wound up that way in the night. Yamcha’s always had a bad sense of the concept of personal space after all.” Inside the room, Yamcha got to his feet. “What was that for? I stopped poking!” Frieza got out of bed and stretched for a moment before answering the question with a snarl. “You were… cuddling… me. By accident, I’d hope, since we fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed. You’ve really got a terrible sense of the concept of personal space.” In the hall Videl got a strange feeling of deja vu for seemingly no reason but ignored it. Yamcha rubbed his left shoulder. “Both times I land on this. I’m not looking forward to the bruising…” Very sarcastically, Frieza said, “Well, maybe your boyfriend will kiss it better. Now let’s go.” “Give me a moment to get dressed…” “Is that necessary?” Yamcha paused, one leg half way into the borrowed pants, and grinned at the shorter man. “I knew it, you do like what you see!” He winked. “It’s cool, I’ve been known to have that effect on people-“ Frieza’s glare was terrifying and shut him up immediately. “I didn’t realize you were so desperate to accumulate further bruising, Yamcha. Now stop creating meanings where they aren’t- I simply don’t understand why it’s so important to wear clothing on a day with such moderate temperatures.” “Oh yeah, you aren’t… human.” “You’re just now noticing that?” “Obviously not! I just kinda forgot… Uh, it’s a cultural thing on Earth, basically. It’s considered inappropriate to let anyone that isn’t your lover see you naked.” “What a restrictive custom. I hope you don’t expect me to wear something like that.” “With you, Frieza, we’re all so used to seeing you naked that it’s probably alright if you don’t.” Once he was dressed he quickly ran his fingers through his hair a few times and grabbed the doorknob, but paused when he heard his pseudo boyfriend snickering. “What now?” “I’m sorry Yamcha, you just look so… ridiculous in that outfit.” “Oh come on, seriously? What’s wrong with it?” “It just doesn’t suit you in the slightest. You’re not the khakis and pastel sweater type.” Yamcha leaned against the door, smirking as he crossed his arms. “Uh huh. Well look at that, my fake boyfriend thinks he knows me. How sweet!” “You’re a fairly transparent person, Yamcha. It doesn’t take much to see that you’re… wild, for lack of a better word. And unless my admittedly limited understanding on this planet’s fashion sense is incorrect, that outfit is the complete opposite.” Yamcha took a few steps forward and leaned down to look Frieza in the eyes. “Uh huh. And what makes you think I’m so wild?” Frieza crossed his own arms and met the taller man’s gaze. “Simple. You’re impulsive enough to tell dangerous lies about dating someone who would rather kill you than look at you, you show up at parties covered in filth, you let your hair grow long without really tending to it so that it’s always doing it’s own thing, you seem to wear your scars as a point of pride and make no effort to hide them, you touch me even when you’re aware that you shouldn’t, and you’re a flirt.” With that he pushed Yamcha aside and left the room. The human chased after him. In the hallway they found Gohan, Videl, and Pan. Before they could say much more than a good morning Puar exited the bathroom and immediately flung himself at Yamcha, hugging him. “Oh Yamcha! I’m so glad you’re okay! I worried about you all night!” He then noticed Gohan and Videl. “Oh.” “Now why would you need to worry?” Gohan asked, his tone overly friendly. “After all, Yamcha was safe with his boyfriend, right?” “Or was there a reason to be afraid?” Videl asked, giving Yamcha a pointed look. He stared back, eyes wide as he tried to think of an answer. “I suppose I must apologize, Puar. You probably heard my dear boyfriend screaming. He does that when we make love.” Frieza was calm and casual, but the rest of the group were downright horrified. Yamchja laughed nervously. “Now, uh, do they really need to hear that?” Frieza grinned, narrowing his eyes and looking downright evil. “Why not? There’s no shame in it, just as there’s no shame in the fact that you sometimes cry from being too overwhelmed by how much you love me. I suppose there is some shame in your lack of stamina though, but that’s something we’re working through together-“ Yamcha punched Frieza in the arm, forcing a laugh, “Well, as you know my stamina issue would probably fix itself if your technique was better but again, that’s something we’re working through together, right?” “Can we please not discuss this in front of Pan?” Videl interjected. She and her husband were both blushing heavily. Frieza and Yamcha exchanged glances, then Frieza looked at Pan, shrugged, and said, “I’m sure he’s heard far worse.” “She,” Gohan corrected. “She then.” “Anyway,” Videl continued, “We wanted to ask you three about something.” “That’s right,” Gohan spoke up. “When Videl and I first got together, the other couples in our group really went out of the way to make us feel loved and included, and we wanted to do the same for you two, now that we know you’re dating!” “After all,” Videl added cheerfully, “Love, even completely unlikely and downright out of character love like yours, should be celebrated, right?” “Unlikely, sure,” Yamcha laughed, “But out of character? Really?” He put one arm around Frieza. “Have you not seen our chemistry? And we’re both…” he looked down at Frieza and winked, “…wild.” The emperor gave him a light shove. “Speak for yourself,” he said, his tone dismissive but a small smile on his lips. Gohan cleared his throat and the fake couple quickly ceased their bickering. “Um, anyway, we went on a lot of double dates with with our friends and it was just so much fun!” “So we thought we’d invite you two out for a double date,” Videl smiled. “It’ll be nice to spend some more time with you two, it’s still hard to believe you’re really a couple!” As she said the last couple words, she gave Yamcha a look, but he dared not respond. “So how about we start with brunch?” Gohan and Videl were making Yamcha very, very nervous, and in all honesty he’d prefer to get out of there before he accidentally said something that gave himself away. Unfortunately for him Frieza’s dedication to the original plan wouldn’t allow it. “That would be lovely. It would be marvelous to get to know the two of you better as well. You’re a very different person off of the battlefield, Gohan. Of course, Yamcha has told me quite a bit about you both.” Gohan thought he had them. “Really? Like what?” Frieza was no idiot though, and had a response ready. “Lots of things, like how your lovely wife used to work with law enforcement, and how you’ve always been very smart.” As the group went to leave they walked through the living room, where Piccolo was sitting on the couch, meditating. He opened one eye when the group entered the room. Gohan gave him a big grin. “Hey Piccolo, we’re going out for brunch, want to come with us?” The Namekian shook his head. “Did you say this was going to a date? You’ll probably have more fun without a third wheel… besides, Puar and I can watch Pan for you.” Puar looked at Yamcha. The human forced a smile, “You have a good time with Piccolo and Pan alright? I’ll see you when we’re back.” With a tiny sigh he floated over to the couch with Piccolo. Yamcha was honestly grateful to have an excuse for his best friend to be somewhere that Frieza wasn’t… just in case. There was only a moment’s delay as Gohan and Videl said bye to their daughter and reminded Piccolo to not let her have too much of the leftover cake, then the group headed out. Gohan’s car was pretty small, and one of the back seats was taken up by Pan’s carseat. Yamcha and Frieza fit themselves in as best they could, but were forced to sit very close. “Sorry we couldn’t take the carseat out,” Gohan said as he settled in the driver’s seat, “but the seatbelt it’s attached to is finicky and sometimes it takes forever to get it back in place again. But I’m sure you two don’t mind an excuse to cuddle a bit!” “Ha ha, not at all!” Yamcha answered, quickly putting his arms around his fake boyfriend. Frieza sighed, then leaned against Yamcha’s chest. “Why can’t we just fly to our destination? Is it too far for that or something?” “Nope,” Videl answered, “It’s right up the street. Most people on Earth can’t fly though, so it’s really attention grabbing when someone does.” “What a strange planet.” Yamcha glanced up and noticed Gohan was watching them through the rear view mirror, and tightened his arms around his fake lover and quickly kissed him on top of his head. He felt him stiffen slightly in his arms at that, then relax again. Gohan readjusted the mirror to continue watching the road, and Yamcha leaned back, still holding Frieza. He had forgotten just how much he enjoyed physical contact in the years since he had been in a proper relationship. Not that he hadn’t shared plenty of platonic hugs with his friends, but it was different than the closeness one had with a lover, the way the two bodies would melt together… Much like his and Frieza’s were doing right now. Fake or not, it felt so good… While he’d known he was attracted to men from pretty much the day he met Tien, Yamcha had never actually dated one. His mind wandered, and he wondered what it would be like to, well, round all the bases with one… and for that matter, how did Frieza’s species do that anyway? Would it even be possible for the two of them to- Yamcha realized how far down that track his mind was going and flinched, then leaned forward a bit so his hair would fall in his face and hopefully hide his panicked expression. Okay, so he was definitely physically attracted to Frieza. Crap. This was not in the plan… If anything, he wanted Frieza to be attracted to him, not the other way around! Frieza looked up, noticed his nervousness, and reached up to push his hair back. “Is everything alright, dear Yamcha?” From the front seat it probably looked like a very loving and tender moment, but Yamcha could clearly see the suspicion on Frieza’s face. “Of course! I’m just really… thirsty? Ha ha ha.” The car ride was thankfully as short as Videl had claimed, and minutes later they were parking in the structure of a massive complex. “Wait a second, is this a casino?” Gohan nodded. “Yep. The buffet here does the best brunch ever. I literally dream about it and wake up chewing the pillow!” Videl grabbed Gohan’s hands and looked in his eyes. “I am going to eat so many crepes, Gohan.” Yamcha and Frieza tried not to laugh at how giddy the other two were getting over the food they were planning on consuming. The group got out of the car, Yamcha both regretting and celebrating the fact that he no longer had Frieza in his arms. Gohan opened the trunk and pulled out a long coat. “Sorry about this, Frieza, but-“ “I know. You need me to wear that, right? I’ve spent enough time dating Yamcha to know that nudity isn’t the cultural norm on this backwards planet.” “Oh, right, didn’t think you knew…” Frieza put it on, but it was huge on him and dragged a little on the ground, prompting some giggles from Yamcha. Frieza glared. Yamcha just shook his head. “Sorry babe, you just look so adorable right now that I can’t help myself. It must be hard being so tiny!” The emperor condescendingly reached up and patted Yamcha on the shoulder. “Of course, but it can’t be anywhere near as hard as it is for you to be so weak. I suppose we both have our flaws, don’t we?” They continued to go back and forth like that. Gohan sighed and said quietly to his wife, “I still don’t think they’re together, but I think I’m losing my mind here because I’m almost starting to think they should be.” “I know what you mean… They weren’t kidding when they said they had chemistry… But for the sake of Yamcha and the rest of our safety, we need to get to the bottom of this and find out why they’re pretending to date and what Frieza’s real objective is!” “Right, of course,” Gohan said, then they caught up with the other two and headed inside. Walking through the casino toward the buffet, Yamcha said to the group, “You know, Puar and I used to make a lot of money from poker. Haven’t been in a casino in years though!” “Really?” Gohan asked. “You don’t seem the type!” Yamcha grinned. “Oh, we didn’t really play. Puar would transform to create a distraction and then I’d snatch the other player’s chips!” Videl quickly glanced around to make sure no security guards heard that. Frieza smiled. “I do so enjoy hearing stories of times you’ve broken the law!” “Considering the time he spent as a bandit I’m sure he has plenty of those,” Gohan said, watching Frieza’s expression. “Naturally. That’s one of the many reasons I find dear Yamcha so appealing,” Frieza answered, pretending this wasn’t the first time he’d heard about this. Once they reached the line for the buffet they took advantage of the fact that there were two minor celebrities in the group to get seated immediately. Gohan and Videl immediately grabbed two plates each and started loading them up. Frieza stopped Yamcha from following them. “We may have a problem.” “What do you mean?” “The Namekian. My associate thinks he figured out not only who’s been sharing information with me, but apparently he’s been talking over his suspicions regarding our fake relationship with your rodent and those two,” he gestured at Gohan and Videl, who were still loading up their plates. “I see,” Yamcha said. “So what you’re saying is, your spy isn’t Piccolo, Puar, Gohan, or Videl. Gotcha.” Frieza growled. “I forget that what you lack in general knowledge or intellect you make up for by being rather sensible… I didn’t think you’d pick that up.” He folded his arms and looked up at Yamcha. “What else have you figured out, I wonder?” That your eyes have no business being so simultaneously beautiful and terrifying, Yamcha thought, but instead just gave a confident laugh, grabbed a plate, and headed toward the buffet. Once he had filled it he returned to the table, where he found Videl and Frieza, and took a seat next to his pseudo boyfriend. “Gohan’s still grabbing food?” “Nope,” Videl laughed, “He’s on his third set of plates. You know how those Saiyans are at meal times… We’ve actually been banned from a few smaller buffets after making the mistake of taking Gohan, Goku, and Buu out all together…” Frieza looked like he’d like to say something, but instead just took a long drink of what appeared to be champagne- in fact, that seemed to be all he was eating. Yamcha snickered, knowing how hard it probably was for the emperor to stay civil. Gohan returned a moment later with two more full plates and sat back down next to his wife. “So I’m still so curious about you two and your relationship! You told us how you met, but what was your first date like?” Yamcha quickly answered before Frieza could have a chance to. “Well, we knew each other as friends for a bit before we finally became a couple, although the attraction was definitely there! We trained together, because Frieza really respected how strong I am for a human, and how amazing some of my techniques are.” “Indeed,” the emperor said casually between sips of champagne, “his Spirit Bomb is a surprisingly adequate technique for such an amateur in terms of skill and strength to have developed.” “Yes, my Spirit Ball is pretty great,” Yamcha loudly corrected, hoping the other couple hadn’t caught the mistake. Kinda nice that Frieza had been paying enough attention during the Android 21 incident to at least half remember one of his techniques though… Gohan stood up, stacking his two now clean plates to the side. “I’ll be right back!” Frieza emptied his glass. “Perhaps I’ll also get a refill. Will you join me, Yamcha?” Once they were away from the table and on the opposite side of the room from Gohan, Frieza said, “We need to be careful not to let them separate us. Videl was asking questions while you were getting food, and we need to make sure our stories match. If either of them ask you the same question, tell them that you were the first one to confess to having a crush, and that I pity dated you for a couple weeks before the feelings became mutual.” Yamcha sighed. “Do you always have to make me sound so lame?” “And you aren’t trying to do the same to me?” “Point taken,” Yamcha laughed. Frieza just shook his head. “You’re such an idiot.” “And you’re a jerk,” Yamcha said, still laughing. “But I’m having a good time pretending to be yours.” “Indeed, as tasteless as this exercise is it’s certainly keeping me on my toes. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had to work this hard at anything.” Frieza said, smiling a little. Yamcha quickly turned to the food and started piling whatever was in front of him on his plate, not paying attention to it. This isn’t real, he reminded himself. You aren’t actually dating and you can’t actually like Frieza. You’re just desperate for affection, that’s all, even if it’s fake and coming from one of the worst villains to ever cross Earth’s path… Back at the table a few minutes later, Yamcha picked at his food and let the other three do most of the talking. Frieza had figured out a tactic that took the attention off of their own fake relationship- no matter what was asked, he’d somehow turn it back to the topic of Pan, and like many parents, Gohan and Videl couldn’t stop themselves from going on and on about their daughter. When they were finally done- and by they, I mostly mean Gohan, who packed in several more platefuls of food before leaving- they returned to the car. Once again Yamcha and Frieza were practically sitting on top of each other in the crowded back seat, and Yamcha was a little disappointed that the coat had stayed on. “I just had the best idea,” Gohan said from the front. “We were thinking about going camping tonight, why don’t you two come with us? It could be another couple bonding experience, and of course, few things are as romantic as a cozy campfire, am I right?” “We’d love to,” Yamcha answered quickly, “but I haven’t gone camping in a while, so all my equipment is in storage-“ “Oh, that’s not a problem,” Videl said cheerfully, “We’ve got a spare tent and the rest, you can borrow that!” Before Yamcha could think of any other reasons to object Frieza elbowed him slightly, then said, “We’ll be looking forward to it, thank you for your continued hospitality.” He then leaned back into Yamcha’s embrace. The human looked out the window and sighed. This was a mess… Back at the mansion, Gohan and Videl dug out their camping supplies while Yamcha chatted with Puar and Piccolo, unable to speak freely even with having learned those two at least weren’t spying for Frieza as his fake boyfriend was on the other side of the room, watching. Of course, Yamcha thought, he’d never suspected either of them- Puar’s loyalty was more than Yamcha deserved, and Piccolo was too honorable and proud to work for someone like the emperor. So who could it possibly be, anyway? He watched out of the corner of his eye as Pan wandered over and sat on the couch by Frieza. Thankfully he seemed to be content with ignoring her- Yamcha didn’t like to think about what would happen to the kid if she accidentally got on his nerves… He turned his attention back to Puar. Staring straight ahead, Frieza said quietly, “keep up the good work, Ginyu. Your intel has been incredibly useful.” Pan- who wasn’t really Pan in anything more than body- also kept his voice low. “Of course, Lord Frieza, you know it’s always my pleasure. I do look forward to hopefully being back in my old body soon though- this one is powerful, but far too small.” “Patience, Captain.” “Of course, Lord Frieza. Take all the time you need. How are things going with the human?” Frieza glanced at Yamcha for a moment. “He’s proven to be easy enough to manipulate into continuing with the plan, but he’s turning out to be a bit of a challenge on almost everything else.” “Is that so? I’m very sorry to hear that, Lord Frieza. I’d do the Dance of Empathy to communicate this if I wasn’t in this graceless body.” “That won’t be necessary… I think I’m enjoying the challenge.” He stood up and approached his fake boyfriend, slipping his arm around his waist… End Chapter Two: Lies Lies Lies YeahAuthor’s Note: I’ve had both some of the best meals of my life and worst food poisoning at casino buffets. I’ll add Ginyu to the character list in another day or two, that’s what I was alluding to last chapter’s notes, not wanting to tag something to avoid spoilers. Anyway, thanks to you readers being so encouraging I expanded this a bit. Probably four chapters now. I’d be honored if you stuck with me through them! Next one hopefully this weekend but I always have less free time on Saturdays and Sundays, so I can't make promises. Comments give me strength and are the reason I expanded this story in the first place so feel free to leave them!
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Chapter Three: Tell Me Lies After finding out that the campground Gohan and Videl had in mind would be two hours away by car Frieza insisted on flying. Yamcha had pretty much camped as a way of life for much of his wild youth and would have been looking forward to doing so again if it wasn’t for the fact that he’d be accompanied by a very suspicious other couple, his own terrifying- yet strangely attractive- fake boyfriend, a toddler that he worried would cross the aforementioned fake boyfriend and get herself killed, and a very overprotective green babysitter who also apparently knew more than he should about Yamcha and Frieza’s plan. Of course, had Yamcha known what Frieza did he’d be a bit less worried about Pan at least. The group were waiting out in the backyard of the mansion, each with a backpack full of supplies. Frieza picked his up and handed it to Yamcha. “You’ll be carrying this for me of course. I know you’re always looking for an opportunity to show off how much of a gentleman you are.” Yamcha gave him a look but didn’t protest, sighing as he tried to figure out the most comfortable way to carry two heavy bags. Frieza smirked as he watched the other man struggle. The back door opened and Gohan, shoving his cell phone in his pocket and carrying the last bag, joined the rest of the group. “Alright everyone, let’s go! Just follow us! And make sure to fly pretty high up so we don’t catch too much attention, okay?” Everyone took off, following Gohan and Videl. While this allowed a much more direct route that would be quicker than driving, they still couldn’t fly too fast without potentially dropping some of the camping equipment- it had been estimated they would arrive in about half an hour. Gohan and Videl flew side by side, followed by Piccolo (who was carrying Pan) a few yards behind them, Yamcha and Puar a few yards further back, and Frieza lagging back a bit from the main group. It was a rare moment, Yamcha realized- the distance as well as the noise of the wind might be enough to cover his voice. Very quietly, he spoke to his best friend. “Hey Puar, Frieza totally smells bad.” “Huh?” Puar asked, confused. Yamcha just watched for a moment over his shoulder- no response from Frieza. “Sorry, I was just making sure Frieza can’t hear us, I knew he’d have to come try and put me in my place if he’d heard me insulting him. Actually he doesn’t smell bad- he smells surprisingly good for someone that probably bathes in the blood of his enemies, ha ha…” Noticing the weird look Puar was giving him, he quickly pulled himself back to the more important topic. “Listen, you know Frieza and I aren’t really together. Thank you so much for playing along though.” “Anything for you, Yamcha, but why are you doing this? Everyone here is worried.” The human sighed. “When he found out I’d accidentally started pretending we were dating he showed up to take advantage of it. He’s trying to get the group to trust him, so he can get access to Goku and the rest for the sake of revenge. I have to play along or else he’ll… he’ll hurt you.” Puar gasped, “Oh no, I’m so sorry! I feel so guilty knowing he’s using me to manipulate you…” “It’s gonna be okay, Puar. I promise I’ll keep you safe, no matter what.” “But you’re having to put yourself in such a dangerous and scary position to do so!” “Well, to be honest,” Yamcha smiled a little, “Yeah, it’s scary, spending all this time with Frieza, but it’s… it’s not all bad. He’s a jerk obviously, but he’s still nice to spend time with when he’s pretending to not hate my guts. And he’s smart! Trying to keep up with him and keep track of all the lies is almost like a game. It’s… fun, I guess? Besides, you know how lonely I am, even a pretend relationship is making me pretty happy, just having someone to be close to-“ he flinched and lifted one hand to cover his face. “Oh my god I just realized how pathetic that sounded.” “You’ll never be pathetic in my eyes, Yamcha!” He sighed, pushing his hair back out of his eyes and then smiling at his friend. “Thanks Puar. Anyway, I’m hoping that maybe I can win Frieza over? Get him to like me, as a friend or…” he blushed a little, “you know, more than that… Just, anything to give him a reason to maybe decide he cares about the Earth and doesn’t want to destroy it? The problem is I have absolutely no idea how to do that!” “Just be yourself, Yamcha! You’re so naturally likable!” “No way! This is Frieza we’re talking about, he’s not gonna be easy to impress! He’s royalty after all! He’s way out of my league on pretty much every count!” “You can do it, Yamcha, just believe in yourself!” Puar paused for a moment after that, and looked carefully at his friend’s face. He’d seen him go through enough crushes to recognize the look in his eyes when he talked about Frieza… Puar wasn’t sure how he felt about this, so he said the only thing he could. “Just please, be careful. Piccolo was saying he thinks-” A voice from above them interrupted, “What are you talking about, rodent?” Yamcha almost fell out of the sky. “F-Frieza?! What did you hear?” “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Frieza answered dismissively, flying lower so that he was at Yamcha’s side. The human gave his small friend a desperate look, and Puar took the hint, flying over to join Piccolo and Pan. “Don’t forget we have a plan and an agreement. Do take care to watch what you say and who you say it to.” “Of course,” Yamcha answered. “I was just telling Puar about how much fun I’m having as your boyfriend, that’s all.” Frieza rolled his eyes. “I’m sure there was more to it than that, but I’m not in the mood to play guessing games.” At the front of the group, Gohan and Videl had also been having a quiet conversation. “Vegeta gave me a great piece of ammunition when I was on the phone with him before we left. There’s no way Yamcha wouldn’t know about this if they were really dating, but apparently it’s not something Frieza normally talks about, so we can probably catch him off guard with it.” “Perfect! And if we can get him to admit they aren’t dating then he’ll hopefully tell us what’s really going on…” “Don’t forget, if things get violent, Piccolo and I will hold off Frieza long enough for you and Pan to get away and call the others for help, okay?” “Right. Hopefully it won’t be necessary though. If we can get Yamcha to come clean then maybe he can convince Frieza that whatever he’s planning won’t work. He might just give up and leave the planet until he has a new idea that way.” The group finally landed at the site of a clearing in the forest next to a stream. Yamcha closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It had been far too long since he’d enjoyed such clean air! “This is the spot!” Gohan said cheerfully. “We come out here a couple times a year, it’s always so peaceful and isolated! Anyway, let’s make camp!” Tents were pulled out of the various packs everyone was carrying and the group began to set them up. Yamcha noticed there were three of them- Gohan and Videl had one, Piccolo had one, and he had one. He sighed- should have figured they’d make him sleep with Frieza. Sleep with Frieza… It didn’t matter that he had literally done so the prior night, that particular wording had him blushing again as his mind went in all sorts of directions. He tried to focus on setting up his tent, but he jumped when the voice of the man he was trying to stop thinking sexy thoughts about interrupted him. “I hate to admit my own ignorance, but what exactly are we doing, ‘camping’?” Yamcha kept staring at the tent pegs to try and avoid having Frieza notice his reddened cheeks. “Well, it’s a popular hobby in certain places on Earth. Basically, you go out into nature and spend the night there, usually in tent or a specialized vehicle for it.” “I see. So it’s a form of survival training is it? I can understand the appeal.” The human laughed but didn’t correct him. Even with his distraction and working alone he had his tent up faster than the rest of the group- he was an old hand at this. Gohan and Videl were finished not long after, and the rest of the group went over to help Piccolo, who admitted he had never actually bothered with proper ‘tent camping’ before. “I know you’d be just as happy out in the elements, but since you’re insisting on watching Pan this trip, well, for her sake you should have a tent!” Gohan said. “Ooo, I just had an idea,” Videl jumped in. “Piccolo’s tent is pretty big, I bet Puar would be a lot more comfortable sleeping in there than cramped in with Yamcha and Frieza. And besides, I”m sure they’ll want some time alone as a couple tonight anyway!” At this point the fake couple almost expected to forced into these situations, so they didn’t protest. Instead Yamcha changed the subject. “So that stream, is it any good for swimming?” “Oh yeah! Fishing too! It’s a big part of why we come to this particular spot!” Videl answered. “Actually, I brought an extra set of swimming trunks just in case you wanted to use them,” Gohan offered. Yamcha took him up on that, and a few minutes later he emerged from his newly set up tent in Gohan’s trunks. They more or less fit. Gohan and Videl had also changed into their bathing suits, whereas Frieza was naked as usual… and so was Piccolo. Well. That was something Yamcha hadn’t seen before… The Namekian ignored the fact that he was bypassing the usual Earthling customs and got in the water. Oh well! Yamcha was honestly stoked to go for a good swim, so he jumped in himself. On the shore, Videl elbowed Frieza, who had been watching his fake boyfriend. “You know, I can’t blame you for being into him! Yamcha might not be a martial artist anymore but I guess baseball keeps him fit enough, huh? I hope Gohan still looks that cut at his age!” Frieza ignored the comment and quickly headed to the water himself, embarrassed to have been caught staring. Not quite understanding the childish glee that Yamcha and Gohan were exhibiting as they wrestled in the water he instead sat on a partially submerged rock and closed his eyes. He had intended to meditate, but he was splashed by a large wave of water and quickly brought back into the present moment- Yamcha and Gohan’s play fight had made its way closer, and they were kicking up a considerable amount of water. The emperor sighed and started to close his eyes again- but just before he did, he caught sight of Yamcha, who had a very suspicious grin on his face as he looked back at him. What was he planning? He didn’t have to wait long- with a loud shout Yamcha punched the water, throwing a bit of Ki behind it and sending a large wave toward his fake boyfriend. Reflexively Frieza held up his hand and vaporized the water with a ki blast of his own. Oh, he was asking for it… Frieza stood up and gracefully dived off his rock and into the stream, swimming near the bottom over to where the other two men were treading water. His general athleticism, sleek build, and ability to live without oxygen meant he could undoubtably out swim anyone present, and he used that to his advantage, clearing the rapids between them in less than a second before reaching up, grabbing Yamcha’s leg, and pulling him under. He held him there just long enough to make him squirm, then let go, following him back up to the surface. Yamcha surfaced coughing but immediately turned to Frieza and, before the emperor could react, pulled up his legs and kicked another Ki assisted wave of water right in his face. At this distance even Frieza couldn’t counter it, so instead he dived back under water, dodging the majority of the wave and using his tail to smack Yamcha into Gohan. Both men ended up under water at that, and Frieza surfaced, laughing as they attempted to untangle themselves from one another. Right as they managed to right themselves Frieza was hit from behind by another massive wave- it caught him off guard and knocked him face first back into the water. He promptly recovered and turned around- Videl had joined the water fight. Gohan quickly swam over to her side, and the two of them gave the water a backhanded swipe, knocking another wave toward the fake couple. Yamcha and Frieza both dodged to the right. “New plan,” Yamcha said, his tone humorously serious for how ridiculous this ‘battle’ actually was, “Let’s take them down!” “For once you and I have found something to agree on,” Frieza said. “We’ll make them regret challenging the two of us!” He closed his eyes and his Ki jumped, a bright light covering his body. “Oh no…” Gohan whispered. Golden Frieza turned to Yamcha. “Are you ready?” The human stared for a moment longer- he had never seen anything quite so beautiful as the powerful, shining being beside him- or as completely terrifying. He swallowed hard and turned back toward the other couple. “We’ve got this! I’ll distract them, then you give them a soaking!” “Understood, my Yamcha.” Yamcha held out his right arm under the water, his left hand bracing it. “Spirit Ball!” He launched a bullet of Ki across the surface of the water, sending a small wave alongside it. Gohan and Videl prepared to dodge, but with a quick motion of his fingers Yamcha directed the Ki out of the water and over their heads, impacting the water behind them and exploding with another wave. Distracted, they didn’t notice Frieza’s quick spin, using his tail to send a massive wave across the stream. Between the power of it and the fact that they were caught completely off guard the other couple were unable to dodge or deflect it- as the wave subsided Gohan and Videl were left laying in a pile on the shore. “Ha!” Yamcha shouted, “Looks like we won!” He turned to Frieza and flung his arms around him, pulling him close for a quick hug before remembering who he was dealing with, loosening his grip, then considering that they were supposed to be looking like a legitimate couple and tightening it again. Awkwardly, Frieza powered back down from Golden and put an arm around the human. A few meters away, Gohan and Videl sat up. “That was… really something! You two work surprisingly well together!” Gohan laughed, helping Videl to her feet. “Well, what do you expect?” Frieza answered, letting go of Yamcha and returning to the shore. “Someone as exceptional as myself wouldn’t partner himself with anyone that diminished his natural abilities, you know. Of course, if Yamcha actually had any strength to back up those tricky techniques of his, well, maybe then we’d be truly unstoppable.” The familiar urge to share a thinly veiled insult of his own as a comeback was pushed back by his own inner uncertainty. Pausing for a moment in the water to collect his thoughts, Yamcha watched his pseudo boyfriend. How the heck was he supposed to handle things now that he was so very much attracted to a lying, manipulative, evil, beautiful being like Frieza? He wished that Gohan had been wrong and that they didn’t seem to be so well matched on so many levels, even if they couldn’t be more different on others. Basic human decency, for one… and of course, sheer strength. He pulled himself together and left the water. - - - Yamcha had tried to hold off as long as he could, but eventually… “I’ll be right back, okay?” The group had been attempting to build a campfire, and Frieza, who’d been leaning against a tree, watching, straightened up, stretched, and turned to his fake boyfriend. “I’ll of course accompany you.” Shaking his head quickly, Yamcha stammered, “you know normally I want to spend every second with you, babe, but, uh, not for this.” Frieza gave him a strange look. Gohan snickered. “I think he needs to go to the bathroom.” “Yeah, that…” Yamcha said with an awkward laugh. Frieza crossed his arms. “I hadn’t noticed any buildings. Where is the restroom, anyway?” “Well, when you’re backcountry camping like this, nature is your restroom!” Yamcha laughed. Frieza looked completely repulsed. “Just… do what you must and get back here as quick as you can, will you?” Yamcha retreated into the trees at a sprint. He needed to make sure Frieza had as little time alone with the others as possible- sticking together is how they kept their stories straight, after all. So he found a spot out of view of the camp, stepped behind a tree, and did his business. Back at the campsite, Frieza, also wanting to avoid the possibility of being asked questions about the relationship when Yamcha wasn’t present to join him in the lie, looked for an excuse to step away from Gohan and Videl before they had a chance. With that, he decided to approach Piccolo, who was sitting under a tree and keeping an eye on ‘Pan,’ who was several feet away watching music videos on a tablet. Piccolo eyed Frieza as he approached. “You do realize that, even if you really were dating Yamcha and trying to reform, I wouldn’t be in any hurry to make friends?” “I don’t require your acceptance,” he answered, glaring. Pan looked up from the tablet. Piccolo glanced from the toddler to the emperor, suspicious. “She’s maturing fast, isn’t she?” “I’ve only just met her, so I wouldn’t know.” “Are you sure about that? Maybe you do know her, but not as Pan?” Frieza glared. Piccolo was a clever one, Ginyu had been right to suspect he was onto him. But if he hadn’t yet shared his suspicions with Gohan and Videl then it could be assumed that he wasn’t one hundred percent certain… “I have no idea what you’re suggesting. Perhaps you shouldn’t insinuate things that you can’t prove?” Piccolo stood up, looking down at Frieza. “Whatever your real intentions are, there’s a reason you haven’t hurt any of us yet, so threats won’t do anything but give me further proof of your dishonesty.” Frieza laughed, politely covering his mouth with one hand. “Ohoho, is that so? Well, your opinion isn’t the one that matters here.” Meanwhile, Yamcha zipped back up and started rushing back to camp, nearly running into Gohan. “Oh, hey Gohan, did you have to pee too?” “Already did,” Gohan lied. He’d been looking for a chance to talk to Yamcha without Frieza present... Remembering what Vegeta had told him on the phone, he carefully steered the conversation. “We can walk back together! You know, Yamcha, there’s something I’ve been wondering, with you and Frieza…” Uh oh. Yamcha tried to walk a little faster, but Gohan grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Actually, I thought it would be best to ask you while Frieza was otherwise occupied, but you two have pretty much been glued to each other all day.” “Well, you know how it is when you’re just so in love!” Yamcha laughed nervously. “Anyway, hasn’t it always been your dream to have a family of your own? Do you think Frieza’s the one you’ll do that with?” “Of course,” Yamcha answered reflexively… then multiple trains of thought hit him at once- with Frieza being male he supposed reproduction was probably off the table- heck, he wasn’t even sure if the two of them would be able to have sex after all considering they were different species… well, there was always hands and mouths and- oh no, don’t think about that Yamcha, now is not the time! He hoped he wasn’t blushing. He would be totally happy with adoption though- but would Frieza even be interested in being a father? Wait, why was he even legitimately considering all of this? Yamcha mentally scolded himself- this was a fake relationship. No need to worry about the future… but he did still have to lie for Gohan’s sake. “I mean, obviously since we’re both guys we wouldn’t be makin’ babies the old fashioned way but that’s totally fine! There’s more than one way to build a family ha ha ha…” Gohan forced himself to keep his expression neutral, but inside he was celebrating. He’d caught him! “Wait, Yamcha, you mean to say that even though you’re dating you don’t know?” “Don’t know what?” Yamcha asked, sweating. Looking the older man directly in the eye, Gohan answered, “Frieza never told you that all Icejin share the same biological sex?” “Icejin?” “Icejin. Frieza’s race. You didn’t know that either?” “So… you mean… Frieza could…?” “Right, not only could, but he already did. He didn’t tell you he has a son?” Yamcha turned in the direction of the camp, slack jawed. His companions were just barely visible through the trees- they had managed to get the fire going, and he could see his fake boyfriend talking with Piccolo. Frieza was a father? Gohan’s tone was serious. “Yamcha, you can stop lying now. I’d say the fact that you don’t know something that basic about someone you’ve supposedly been with for so long is enough to make it clear that you aren’t really-“ The human completely ignored him, a slight smile forming on his face. He ran back to the camp and all but tackled Frieza, throwing his arms around him and spinning him around in a circle. Caught completely off guard Frieza allowed this, but once he was sat back down he took a step back. “Well, that was… unnecessary.” “Sorry, sorry,” Yamcha laughed. “I just… Gohan just told me you had a son and I think that’s so cool! I love kids, I hope I can meet him soon!” Gohan stepped out of the trees and eyed Frieza suspiciously. “Isn’t it odd that your boyfriend didn’t know such a basic piece of information about you?” Frieza shrugged. “There was no need for him to know. Kuriza isn’t a part of my daily life anyway, and besides, there’s a stigma against single parents when it comes to dating, is there not? I feared dear Yamcha would be horribly closed minded, as is typical for you feeble humans, and lose interest if he knew.” Yamcha slapped him on the back with a little more force than necessary. “Well, you’re right that humans can be closed minded! But not all of us are! It’s like how I could say all Icejin are self absorbed assholes, but I’m sure some of them aren’t!” He snickered at that, then continued, “Anyway babe, if we ever make this legal you better believe I wanna be an involved step daddy!” Gohan watched helplessly. Videl approached him and said quietly, “I thought for sure this would work… Frieza is a ridiculously good liar.” With that things calmed back down a bit and the group all gathered around the campfire. Videl had brought supplies to make s’mores, and Gohan pulled out a capsule that contained a cooler full of drinks. Most of the beings present made use of one or both of these things, and as Yamcha relaxed with a beer he noticed his fake boyfriend was ignoring both the food and the beverages. “You know, my love, I haven’t seen you eat anything this weekend, just that champagne at brunch. You alright?” “I’m not sure I trust Earth food,” he answered, eyeing the bag of marshmallows with disdain. “Okay, but s’mores are seriously the best. You have to try one. I’m not taking no for an answer here!” Ignoring Frieza’s protest, he grabbed a stick and a marshmallow and got to work. “Do humans usually cook over open flame like this?” Frieza asked. “I understand doing so in situations where there is no practical alternative, but this clearly isn’t one.” “We don’t normally, but that’s part of what makes camping fun! Stepping outside of your comfort zone and all that!” Yamcha answered as he finished sandwiching the roasted marshmallow and a piece of chocolate between two graham crackers and shoving it into the emperor’s hands. “Well, this is certainly outside my comfort zone alright,” Frieza muttered, trying- and failing- to avoid getting any of the melty, sugary mess on his fingers. With a sigh, he took a small bite, first cringing as more of the filling wound up on his hands and face, then trying to hide his surprise at how legitimately delicious it was. Yamcha watched, grinning. “Well?” “It’s… acceptable. If you insisted on making me a second one I suppose I wouldn’t object.” The human took the hint and did so, adding a second marshmallow to his roasting stick so as to make one for himself as well. Once he finished making and consuming it he licked the remnants off his fingers, accidentally making eye contact with his fake boyfriend as he did so. Frieza blinked, then quickly looked away, muttering, “You’re disgusting.” “What was that?” Videl asked cheerfully. “Oh nothing, just admiring how my handsome boyfriend can somehow make his terrible table manners look endearing instead of repulsive, that’s all.” Yamcha laughed and elbowed Frieza. “Oh no, remember how you specifically told me you loved me because I wasn’t a pompous phony like you? Or like you used to be before your love for me changed you into the sweet man you are today?” Frieza smirked as he answered, “I don’t remember using quite that choice of words, my darling. I think your memory is acting up again, after all you’re quite old by human terms, aren’t you? We can’t all be blessed with long lasting youth and mental acuity like myself, after all.” As they continued their back and forth Piccolo just covered his eyes and shook his head. The night wore on, Gohan and Videl doing their best to trip up the fake couple while Yamcha and Frieza deflected them as best they could. Fake Pan ate as many s’mores as he could get away with, Puar attempted to act upbeat despite worrying about his best friend, and Piccolo made a half hearted attempt to hide his hatred for the man who had orchestrated the slaughter of his race. Eventually Videl yawned, and Gohan, noticing, suggested the group turn in for the night. Frieza was exhausted from having to play civil and went straight to the tent. Yamcha grabbed his pack, pulling out a toothbrush and toothpaste. As he was doing so, Gohan approached him. “Hey, so I didn’t know if you kept these with you, but I figured you might want them, just in case,” he winked, handing a small bag to the older man. Yamcha accepted it and glanced inside- condoms and lube. “Oh god… uh… thanks, Gohan?” he said, blushing like crazy and trying to keep his tone neutral. He then rushed into his tent to get out of the awkward moment. Gohan watched, frowning. How much more pushing would it take before Yamcha admitted the truth? Inside the tent he was face to face with Frieza. The tent was tiny- he had a feeling Gohan and Videl had intentionally given them the smallest tent. “This is gonna be cramped,” the emperor whispered, irritated. Indeed, they had less space to work with than they had in the bed the prior night, and that had already been hard enough to negotiate. Yamcha shrugged and whispered back, “We’ll have to make it work I guess. You can have your tail on me again if you need to.” Frieza ignored this, focusing instead on the bag Yamcha was still holding. With a yelp the human shoved it into a corner. “Anyway, Yamcha, do as you’d please with yourself but do try to do it quietly. I’m going to attempt to sleep.” The shorter man laid down on top of the sleeping bag, crossing his arms and closing his eyes. Yamcha stripped down to his shorts and laid down as well. It was cramped- not only did Frieza’s tail immediately find its way on top of the human, but there was no way to avoid having the rest of them touch at least a little. The smooth, pale skin of his fake boyfriend, as well as the powerful muscles beneath it… they were hard for Yamcha to ignore. A few minutes had passed when they heard what might have been a fallen branch being stepped on right outside their tent- Yamcha quickly flipped himself so that he was on top of Frieza, his finger against the other man’s lips. They held the pose, waiting, but no one approached the tent’s flap. “Are we safe?” He whispered. “To be sure, maybe… you should kiss me,” Frieza answered, staring over his fake boyfriend’s shoulder at the tent’s (still closed) entrance. Yamcha nodded and did so. This wasn’t real. This was little more than false passion with a false lover… and yet it still felt so perfectly, impossibly good. Frieza’s right hand threaded through the human’s hair and rested on the nape of his neck, pulling him even closer. Yamcha let himself get lost in the smaller man’s touch, his own hands running down his body and coming to rest on his slender waist. How was he so irresistible? At this point he honestly didn’t care. All that mattered was Frieza… The two men continued to make out for several minutes, their arousal increasing. Yamcha could hardly see straight at this point- it has been so long since he’d done this, and never with anyone quite like the gorgeous, powerful, strange, intoxicating, dangerous man that laid beneath him. Suddenly Frieza flipped them over, straddling Yamcha’s hips, one hand on the human’s throat to hold him down before leaning in and kissing him again, the other hand reaching down… “Are we going to…?” Yamcha whispered. “I doubt you’d say no at this point,” Frieza answered, his lips dancing against Yamcha’s neck between words. “So just shut up and go with it, will you? This isn’t something I do with just anyone.” “I’m honored, then,” Yamcha breathed. “Let’s do this…” - - - Some time had passed and, in the aftermath of the most incredible satisfaction his body had ever experienced, Yamcha had quickly fallen asleep. Frieza looked down at the man he had never intended to let get so close and shook his head. Inwardly cursing himself for letting his base instincts take control he left the tent quietly and headed to the stream to clean up. Sitting in the swiftly flowing water he closed his eyes and thought over what had just happened. The emperor was by no means easy, but he saw no problem with occasionally indulging his desires. It had never quite… affected him like what he had completed moments prior, though. Was Yamcha just that incredible of a lover? Frieza doubted it- the human had no idea what he was doing with an Icejin, and Frieza had been needing to lead and redirect him for much of their encounter. But the human had been enthusiastic and willing, and had practically worshiped his fake boyfriend’s body throughout the whole awkward encounter, all the way to it’s powerful and overwhelming conclusion. Frieza wouldn’t mind a second round. But why had they…? He supposed there had been a degree of mutual attraction since they had first met during the clash with Android 21, and all the fake intimacy they’d shared in the last day and a half had further stoked things. All it took from there was a moment of closeness alone in that tent… Still, for a man who was very selective in whom he’d take for a lover, Frieza had given in so quickly to this lowly human’s charms… Yamcha was so embarrassingly weak physically, and normally it was a powerful body that caught Frieza’s eye before anything else. And yet in this case, all it took was a handsome face, a surprisingly quick wit, and a willingness to obey the emperor’s wishes… He heard the sound of a zipper and looked up- from the largest tent, the flap was slowly opening. Fake Pan stepped out and headed toward the water. “Lord Frieza,” he spoke quietly, “I thought I heard someone come out here.” Frieza nodded. “Captain. Have you learned anything new since our last conversation?” Ginyu laughed slightly, more of a forced snort than anything else, and looked at the water. “Um, apparently Namekians have very good hearing.” “Ah. I see.” Frieza said, eyes wide. “Do you know… what he was hearing?” “I don’t. You know he suspects me, so naturally he didn’t share. But he seemed distressed and was looking in the direction of your tent.” “Thank you, Ginyu. Anything else to report?” “No sir. I should get back before he has further reasons for suspicion.” With that he returned to his tent, and once again Frieza was alone. He leaned backward in the water until he was mostly submerged, scowling up at that evening’s bright full moon. After quickly finishing scrubbing the sweat and other fluids from his body he returned to the tent. Before opening the flap he mentally scolded himself for the lapse of judgement that had led to that evening’s intimate activities, then stepped inside. Dim filtered moonlight illuminated the interior of the tent. Yamcha was still asleep, sprawled out and taking up nearly the entire floor. He hadn’t bothered to put anything back on, and Frieza’s eyes slowly ran down the length of his fake boyfriend’s body. What a beautiful man… The emperor quickly reached up to slap himself, then laid down. Of course, Yamcha was still monopolizing the sleeping space, so Frieza did the only thing her could and curled up against his side… End Chapter Three: Tell Me LiesAuthor’s Note: Fluff is fluff. Hope I didn't push things too much for the rating, I'm assuming I kept it vague enough but let me know if I should bump it up. My usual disclaimer applies- I don’t really have any set opinions on Icejin biology or reproduction so don’t overthink what I wrote here, I just go with whatever is convenient for whatever story I’m working on. Last chapter is on the way. Might be a minute, I have an outline but haven’t actually wrote any of it yet. Eh. For anyone wondering what happened to Professional Amateurs, it’s down for a major rework, sorry about that, ran into some issues and a scene I can’t write as is. Anyway, as always, if you read this, know that at this exact moment I am hoping you will find a hundred dollar bill on the ground. If you comment know that I’ll be screaming like I found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. I appreciate you!
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Important Note: If you haven’t already, make sure to take a moment and go read the amazing but very NSFW comic that the incredibly talented SkinsT drew that covers what happened between Frieza and Yamcha in the tent during Chapter three! Chapter Four: A Thousand Lies, A Single Truth The following morning Yamcha awoke slowly, and as the fuzz of sleep cleared from his mind he first noticed the hard ground underneath the tent and how achy he was after sleeping on it, then realized he was still naked and dirty- and finally he woke up enough to remember what had happened that night. Oh. My. Gawd… He cautiously opened one eye to see a sleeping Frieza in his arms. The emperor’s tail was curled possessively around Yamcha’s leg. The human did his best not to panic as he replayed the previous night’s events in his mind. They had actually… done THAT. … and it had been amazing? No time for getting distracted by that memory now, Yamcha needed to get himself cleaned up. He tried to carefully move away from his fake boyfriend without waking him, but Frieza was a light sleeper. The two men stared at each other for a second, wide eyed. Frieza quickly sat up, looking away from the blushing human as he knew he was doing the same himself. “Uh, Frieza… Last night…” “We will not speak about it. Nothing happened. You must have been having very vivid dreams.” Yamcha shook his head. “Nope, not going with that. We’re lying to everyone else but there’s no point in lying to each other.” He sat up and leaned forward, poking Frieza lightly in the middle of his back. “That was the most fun I’ve had in years, I’m not about to pretend it didn’t happen!” Slapping away the other man’s hand with his tail, Frieza crossed his arms. “Fine then, I will acknowledge that I allowed you to serve me physically.” “Uh huh. That’s one way to put it.” Yamcha giggled as he reached out again and ran his fingertips down the emperor’s arm. This time the smaller man made no effort to stop him, sighing as he was torn between the desire to kill this human for having seen him in such a vulnerable state the previous night, and the almost overwhelming need to shut him up by kissing that filthy mouth of his… In the end he did neither, and instead Frieza unzipped the tent’s flap and glanced outside, “You need a bath, you’re disgusting,” he whispered, “The Namekian seems to be the only one up, so I’ll distract him.” With that he exited the tent and approached Piccolo. The taller man had been rebuilding the campfire, and gave Frieza a very odd look as he approached. That’s right, he’d heard what had happened… how embarrassing. The emperor endeavored to look natural, and positioned himself on Piccolo’s opposite side from the campsite. He was ready to make some inane small talk to draw his attention away from the direction of the tent, but it turned out to be unnecessary, as Piccolo spoke first. “Frieza. I apologize… While I still neither understand nor support it, it’s clear that you and Yamcha are indeed actually in a relationship.” This was unexpected, but convenient. He crossed his arms and smirked. “Well, perhaps from here out you’ll be a bit quicker to trust me, eh?” “No.” “There’s no helping that, then,” Frieza sat down, watching from the corner of his eye as Yamcha streaked from the tent to the stream. With a sigh he carefully addressed the uncomfortable topic of what had been overheard… “I’m sure I have absolutely no idea what happened to change your opinion-“ both men were avoiding eye contact at this point, “-but whatever it was, we would prefer if you didn’t share that particular detail with anyone. For Yamcha’s sake, since I doubt you’d be willing to do any favors for myself. If you don’t, I won’t be pleased.” He held his hand up as though he was just casually stretching it, but allowed a bit of his Ki to visibly form, if only for a moment, at the tips of his fingers. The threat was clear, but Piccolo kept his composure. “It’s too late for that, I already discussed it with Puar this morning.” Frieza dearly wished he could punch the Namekian, but as that would work against what he planned to accomplish, he just glared. “So the rodent knows. But you’ll keep it between the two of you. You are, of course, welcome to share with everyone the fact that we are indeed a legitimate couple. In fact I’d encourage that. Just omit the details of how you became so fully convinced, will you?” Piccolo said nothing. Behind him, Frieza could see a now clean Yamcha running back to the tent, his hands positioned awkwardly over his more intimate parts. No longer needing to distract Piccolo, he stood up and turned to leave- then paused. “…did Pan happen to overhear your conversation, by the way?” “She did. She should be too young to understand it though, right?” Piccolo answered, carefully studying Frieza’s face for any hint of a reaction. “…of course.” Frieza answered lightly, then returned to the tent. As he unzipped the flap he caught a glimpse of Yamcha’s back as he finished pulling on a shirt, then the human turned around. There was a moment of awkward silence and Frieza was annoyed to realize he was once again blushing. Not that Yamcha wasn’t doing the same! “Frieza, I think maybe we should, um, talk about what last night means in terms of uh, us.“ “Nothing has changed. Our plan is still in place as it was before that lapse of judgement.” “Lapse of judgement?” Yamcha grinned. “And if I just so happened to do something like this…” he leaned in quickly, their faces nearly touching and his arms around the emperor’s waist, “…would there be any chance of it leading to another of these so called ‘lapses of judgement’?” Frieza growled. He should make this lowly human regret pushing his luck with him like this, but… After the previous evening had broke the sexual tension between them, it was increasingly difficult not to just give in again. So he did, returning the embrace and getting rid of the remaining space between their lips- but then he remembered something important and pulled away. Yamcha, breathing heavily, tried to kiss the emperor again, but he was blocked by his fake boyfriend’s raised arm. “I wanted to make you aware that, despite our best efforts last night, we were… overheard. By the Namekian.” “Oh no… How the heck am I supposed to be able to look Piccolo in the eye now?” Yamcha whispered, covering his face with his hands. “You’ll have to. We need to act natural, remember?” The emperor answered, his tail twitching with irritation. “Furthermore, he told your pet.” “PUAR KNOWS?!” Yamcha realized he was shouting and quickly dropped his volume. “Oh crap, I’m never gonna hear the end of this.” “Piccolo has been informed that there will be consequences if he shares what he overheard, so no one else should know about this. But, the silver lining of this embarrassing situation is that he at least is no longer suspicious of the validity of our relationship. I asked him to share this certainty with the others.” “At least there’s that…” Yamcha forced himself to look at Frieza. “Look… For what it’s worth, I’m not ashamed of what happened last night. Sure it’s uncomfortable knowing anyone heard such a private moment, but I’m not embarrassed to have been… you know. With you. No regrets.” Honestly, Yamcha wanted to ask the emperor if they could give this a go for real, but how the heck did you ask someone like Frieza out? Frieza was rarely at a loss for words but he honestly had no idea how to respond to that. After a moment he simply said, “Let’s go then,” and left the tent. Yamcha watched the smaller man leave. Well geez, if his real crush on his fake boyfriend had been bad to begin with, after their intimate time together he was feeling downright infatuated… With a man who could kill him without any trouble or hesitation. The human shook his head- how did he always end up in these these situations? Even after what had happened between them, it still wasn’t a relationship. It was just pretend… “Aaa, geez, Frieza, why do you have to be so damn hot?” He muttered, then left the tent. While the fake couple had been having their discussion in the tent, the rest of the group had joined Piccolo beside the campfire. As Frieza, followed closely by Yamcha, walked over to join them, Videl, who had been making coffee, poured two mugs of it and stood up, handing them to the new arrivals before smiling at them both. “Have I really told you yet just how happy we are for the two of you?” “Well, you’ve certainly said the words enough times,” Frieza answered with a smirk. “Nice to have you actually mean them for once,” Yamcha added, laughing. Videl shrugged and laughed as well as she sat back down. Puar had been on the other side of the fire with his own tiny mug of coffee, which he stared at intently. He glanced up and accidentally made eye contact with Yamcha and spilled his coffee. The human chugged his for an excuse to look anywhere but at his friend, nearly scalding his mouth with the hot liquid in the process. He wondered how quickly he could gather the dragon balls and wish for Puar to forget what Piccolo had told him he’d overheard… Breakfast was just packets of rehydrated freeze-dried stew. Frieza wasn’t impressed and, after one bite, put it aside and loudly proclaimed as such. Gohan finished the uneaten portion- in fact he’d ended up eating five portions total! Saiyan appetites were really horrifying, the emperor thought as he watched, drinking more coffee. Gohan watched the others as he ate his final packet of camp food. His trust in Piccolo’s judgement was absolute, so when his mentor had quietly told him that morning that, beyond any doubt, Yamcha and Frieza really were in some sort of relationship, he believed it. In fact, watching them this morning, he wondered why he had ever doubted it? There was a naturalness, an ease between the human and icejin. Perhaps the stiffness between them at the start of the weekend was simply due to not being used to being publicly together? There was none of that now- Yamcha looked fully relaxed with his arm draped around the villain’s shoulders, and Frieza was completely casual as he leaned against the human’s side and sipped his third mug of coffee. When they spoke to each other, the little constant half hidden insults were still present, but there was a humor in the tone they used with each other, and a warmth in their eyes. It reminded him of Videl and himself… Still though, Piccolo had told him something else that morning- that while he wasn’t completely certain enough to share his exact suspicions as to who, he felt someone present was not who they claimed to be. His mentor had told him this as a warning to watch what he said carefully. The half Saiyan looked around at the group… Obviously his own family (a group that, in his opinion, included Piccolo) were beyond suspicion… Wait. His eyes landed on Puar. Why wasn’t the little shapeshifter sitting with Yamcha as usual? And he seemed extremely quiet and uncomfortable that morning… In fact he’d been acting a little strange all weekend, like he knew something he wasn’t happy about but couldn’t discuss. Unaware of what was really going on, Gohan glared at Puar. - - - The group had decided to go for a hike that morning, and Videl had suggested one of their favorites, a four mile trail up the side of a nearby mountain. Frieza was confused. “It would only take a moment to fly to the top. What’s the point of hiking it?” “It’s about the experience!” Yamcha cheerfully answered. “The view from the top is all the more beautiful with the sense of accomplishment that comes from having climbed up to it!” “I see. I do understand how rare it is for a human to feel like they’ve actually accomplished anything,” Frieza smirked. As always, Yamcha gave as good as he got. “Naturally! That’s because humans have to actually work hard to do things for themselves, unlike, say, spoiled space emperors that have armies to do things for them!” “Ah yes, I can only imagine how powerless humans must feel thanks to that, no wonder they need to look for little victories like walking up a hill for a sense of validation!” Despite Frieza’s feelings on the matter the group walked the half mile or so to the base of the mountain and began their ascent. They made good time despite the uneven terrain and occasionally steep grade- this was a very fit group. Gohan and Videl lead them up, followed by Yamcha and Frieza. Not too far behind them Puar and Piccolo, who was carrying ‘Pan,’ followed. Gohan quietly took advantage of this slight separation in the group to speak to his wife. “I’ve been thinking about what Piccolo said this morning.” “So have I,” she answered, glancing back over her shoulder. “There’s really only one person it could be, and he has been acting odd this morning…” “Can you distract Frieza so I can speak with Yamcha alone for a moment? If anyone can determine if Puar isn’t, well, Puar, it’s him.” “On it!” With that the couple slowed down a bit, letting Yamcha and Frieza catch up with them. Videl looked around for a moment and found her opportunity. “Hey Frieza, check this out!” She ran off the path and, for lack of an alternative, the emperor followed her. Watching her husband out of the corner of her eye, she pointed down at some wildflowers. “Aren’t these lovely? I’ve always wondered if there are flowers like this on other planets…” Gohan smiled gratefully at his wife, then turned his attention to the older human. “Hey Yamcha, I wanted to ask you about something.” Uh oh. The human prepared himself for another invasive question about his fake relationship, regretting not following Frieza off the trail. As such, he was surprised when Gohan instead asked, “has Puar seemed unlike his usual self lately?” Yamcha was so relieved to not have yet another new lie to remember that he didn’t think too hard about his answer. “Well, a little, but it’s understandable! All of this has been a lot for him to suddenly have to get used to!” “All of this?” “You know, Frieza and me,” Yamcha answered with a shrug. He realized his mistake as soon as the words were out of his mouth and, distracted, tripped over his own feet. Gohan helped him up, and the older man desperately hoped he hadn’t caught his mistake. Unfortunately Gohan was too smart for that, and tightened his grip on Yamcha’s arm, narrowing his eyes as the temporarily forgotten suspicion returned. “Suddenly? Didn’t you say you’d been with Frieza for months?” “Oh, well, you see, ha ha…” Yamcha stammered as he tried to take a step back. Gohan wouldn’t let go, however. “In fact, now that I think about it, Frieza said the two of you had gotten together not long after he was revived. I can’t believe I didn’t put this together sooner, but that was over two years ago.” Gohan’s stance changed slightly- he was ready to fight. He glared past Yamcha toward the emperor. “Well, which is it? Did you two start dating two years ago, like Frieza said? Or a couple months ago, like you had claimed? Or did you just start pretending to date this weekend, as Puar’s reaction seems to confirm?” From a few yards away, Frieza had noticed Yamcha’s clumsiness out of the corner of his eye with amusement, but his smirk changed to a scowl when he saw Gohan’s increasingly aggressive handling of his fake boyfriend. By the time Gohan had finished his questions, Frieza had left Videl mid sentence and used his incredible speed to position himself between the other two men, knocking the half Saiyan’s arm aside. “Is there a problem here?” He asked, crossing his arms. The tense atmosphere hadn’t gone unnoticed, and the rest of the group closed in. “Your game is over, Frieza. I just found a contradiction in your and Yamcha’s stories. So how about you come clean and tell us why you’re really here on Earth?” Frieza looked from Gohan to Yamcha. “Is this true?” The human sighed and looked at the ground. “Well, it seems our agreement is no longer valid, now doesn’t it? As such, I can no longer guarantee the safety of any of you.” There was a tangible electricity in the air as Frieza began to charge his Ki. Gohan and Piccolo stepped forward, but before they could do anything further, Frieza shouted, “As we planned, Ginyu!” “Of course, Lord Frieza,” ‘Pan’ answered, flying over and landing in front of his boss. Frieza aimed his hands at the Captain and continued charging the attack. “Call down my ship, will you?” With a nod, he pulled out the tablet ‘Pan’ had been playing with throughout the weekend and used it to do so. Frieza couldn’t help but chuckle at the confusion on Gohan and Videl’s faces- if nothing else it was worth arranging the revival of the Ginyu Force for that exact moment! Gohan and Piccolo looked at each other- they both knew if they tried to attack that Frieza could have what was still Pan’s body (even if it wasn’t her soul) lying dead on the ground before they could take a single step. There were a few seconds of tense silence. “Now what?” Gohan nervously asked Piccolo. Frieza glanced over at them. - but that moment of distraction was enough for Yamcha to leap forward and tackle his fake partner, knocking him off his feet. The two men rolled a few yards down the slope of the mountain before Frieza managed to stabilize himself with his tail against the ground. Yamcha, now lying on top of the smaller man, wrapped his arms around him as tight as he could, attempting to pin him in place. It was a futile effort, of course, and Frieza shoved him off with very little effort. Yamcha quickly got to his feet but dropped his fighting stance and instead approached his pseudo boyfriend with his arms held up in a gesture of surrender. “Frieza, they might have figured out the truth, but I held up my end of the bargain,” he took a couple steps closer so that the two men were less than a foot apart but left his hands up as he continued. “You aren’t going to hurt Pan, or Puar, or any of my other friends, or this planet. Your plan failed, so you’re just gonna have to leave and think up another one.” Frieza put his hands on his hips and glared up at Yamcha. “And what makes you think I’m going to just go along with such a cowardly course of action as that?” “Because,” Yamcha answered, reaching out and poking Frieza repeatedly in the chest for emphasis, “You. Like. Me. Admit it.” Frieza flicked away his fake boyfriend’s hand and rolled his eyes. “Not anywhere near as much as you like me, clearly.” Yamcha leaned down closer to the shorter man. “Wanna bet on that? Honestly, you’re the one that insisted on this whole ruse. Maybe you’re completely obsessed with me!” “I’m the obsessed one? Please. I think you fell in love with me last night,” Frieza answered, standing up just slightly on the tips of his toes and lifting a hand to stroke the the human’s arm. Slipping an arm behind the smaller man’s back and pulling him closer, Yamcha answered, “Maybe I did. But I think it was only because you were so in love with me ever since we first met!” “Well, look at you, this is supposed to be a battle, yet you can’t keep your hands off of me.” “You say that like you aren’t about to kiss me?” Piccolo, Gohan, Videl, and Puar just stared wide eyed. “What are they… doing?” Videl asked through her shock. “I think they’re… making out,” Gohan answered, horrified. Shaking his head, Piccolo looked away. “It’s like last night all over again.” The strange scene was made even stranger as Frieza’s ship landed just a little further up the mountain. The emperor and the human paused their kissing for a moment and watched as a hatch opened and five familiar figures leaped out and posed. “We are… the Ginyu Force!” They shouted- then Captain Ginyu, who of course wasn’t really Captain Ginyu, broke formation and rushed over to Piccolo, Gohan and Videl. “Family!” Before she could reach them, the real Captain Ginyu stepped forward and quickly performed his signature move. Back in his own body, he joined his men, and Pan, after a moment of confusion, continued running over to her parents. Videl picked her up. “Oh my gosh, look how cute and tiny Pan really is!” Recoome commented. The rest of the force seemed to agree. Piccolo walked over to Captain Ginyu, who smiled at him. “You know, you were a really good baby sitter, even when you were suspicious of me-“ he was cut off when Piccolo punched him hard in the stomach. Frieza let go of Yamcha and took a few steps toward his ship before looking back over his shoulder at the human. “Farewell, my dear Yamcha. It’s been… spectacularly amusing.” Yamcha watched him for a moment longer. He then glanced over at Puar, who sighed, then looked between Yamcha and the retreating Frieza and nodded encouragingly. The human gave his best friend a thumbs up, and ran after Frieza. “Wait up a second!” “Yes?” “Well, if you’re headed back up into space, maybe you could use some company?” “Lord Frieza doesn’t need a human for that, he’s got us!” Guldo answered. Jeice shook his head. “The human means romantic company, obviously.” The two no longer fake boyfriends ignored them. “I suppose you’re right,” Frieza said, smiling a little as he held out his arm. “Come on, then.” Grinning, Yamcha took his emperor’s arm and together they boarded the ship. “We’ll come visit you, Pan!” Burter shouted as the Ginyu Force followed them. “Yay!” She waved. As the ship flew off, the remaining members of the group watched it leave. “What the heck just happened?” Videl asked no one in particular. Goku suddenly appeared with his Instant Transmission technique. “Hi guys! Where’s Frieza? I just found out he was back on Earth- could have sworn I felt Yamcha’s ki here too, but they’re both gone now.” “Well… it’s a long story,” Gohan answered. “Wait, I can still feel them- they’re up there!” Goku turned his attention to Frieza’s ship, now just a spec in the sky, and vanished again. He returned almost immediately, laughing awkwardly. His clothing was partially burnt. “So Yamcha was already fighting Frieza and I guess they didn’t want to be interrupted! Not sure what technique they were using though, but they were really close to each other, so I’m thinking it was some sort of grappling-“ “Um, Goku…” “But whatever they were doing, it must have been an intense fight! You think my clothes look bad, but Yamcha’s were completely destroyed!” “Goku, maybe you should stop-“ “I wouldn’t have thought Yamcha would be able to hold his own in a fight with someone like Frieza, but he was moaning pretty loud, so I guess our buddy must managed to get some good hits in! I’m proud of him! Assuming he doesn’t die again of course! …maybe I should go back up just to be sure-“ “NO.”End Chapter Four: A Single TruthAuthor's Notes Part Two: Thank you all for reading! I’m blown away by the kind feedback I got on what I thought was a silly, self indulgent fic that no one would actually read. It’s all thanks to you guys that I stretched this to four chapters rather than my originally planned two! Not sure what’s next. Still working on the sequel to my first fic but since that’s a ‘serious’ effort it’s not getting posted any time soon. Feel free to drop by my Tumblr, it’s this same user name. I do a lot of fan art, including Yamza stuff. Finally, here’s a plug for The Bond Between a Lizard and a Wolf- that’s the best Yamza story I’ve wrote in my opinion. Feel free to read it if you haven’t already and want more of this pairing. THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL THE KINDNESS!