Work Text
“I just wanna say,” said Xander, plumping up the pillows he’d painstakingly arranged between himself and the sofa. “That this is wildly unfair.”“And why’s that?” Dawn asked, snuggling into the very comfortable (he’d been told) spot against his shoulder.“He’s why!” Xander waggled an accusatory finger at the bleachy vampire settling cross legged opposite him, who promptly glared in return. “I mean, he’s got a century on us all! There can’t be anything he hasn’t done in all that time.”“Well, I’ve also got a vampire’s tolerance for alcohol, so it balances out, doesn’t it?” Spike pointed out. “’S fair.” “So you get to seem cooler than the rest of us and hold your drink better,” Xander said. “Again, I say: wildly unfair.”Spike, who had wised up enough since getting a soul to not rise to the bait every time, just made his exasperated vampire face and leaned back against Xander’s weapon’s chest (which now also housed the supplies for his and Dawn’s new tropical fish). To his right sat Buffy, and Xander was pleased to see she looked happier than she had in quite a while.On Spike’s other side was Willow, sporting a new nose ring and new girlfriend. It was all very strange to Xander, but maybe cool piercings were a requirement if one wanted to dive into the supernatural lesbian dating world of San Francisco, as Willow was apparently doing with relish. This girlfriend was called Clara, and according to Willow she was part demon and they weren’t supposed to tease her about it because she could get offended. She was dark, elegant, serene, with shimmery clothes and hair and skin, but she looked perfectly human as far as Xander could tell. He was curious about the nature of her Aspect of the Demon thing, but didn’t want her to start breathing fire or something so he’d keep his curiosity to himself.“Don’t be mean, Xander. Spike here gave a whole dollar to a homeless man on the way to the liquor store,” Buffy said, patting the vampire’s pale arm proudly. “It’s a big day for him.”“He wanted smokes. I sympathised.” Spike shrugged irritably. “I’m telling you, this soul-having bollocks is not all it’s cracked up to be. I wouldn’t have even looked twice at that rancid old man back in the day, let alone started doling out my hard-earned cash.”“Hard-earned?” Xander spluttered. “You probably stole it! Probably from me!”“And that isn’t hard work? Dawn, tell him how nicking stuff’s hard work.”“Uh, I am so over the klepto thing. Leave me out of this.”“We’re already dishing out all the uglies and the drinking hasn’t even started yet,” harrumphed Willow. “I want the drinking.”With one last evil eye at Xander, Spike unearthed a bottle of whiskey and glasses, setting them down between them.“Right then, how’s this thing work again?” he asked.“We take turns saying something we’ve never done, and then everyone’s who has done it has to take a shot,” Willow replied, taking charge at once. “And no lying. I did a spell, so anyone who lies feels mysteriously compelled to remove an article of clothing.”“Which means I’m either gonna be sober or naked the whole night,” Dawn muttered. “I’m the youngest and least worldly one here.”“Unless someone says “I’ve never been a blob of energy’,” Buffy said, cheerily. Willow had been right, this had been a good idea. Getting all together. Them, the group, the Scoobies. Assembling the Avengers once again. Well, plus Spike who just always seemed to be around and there was no arguing with Willow over her bringing the Girlfriend Parade to all places, but more or less. “Which is what I’m gonna start us off with. I’ve never been a blob of energy.”Dawn took a shot, grimacing loudly at the taste. She was such a cute ex-blob, thought Xander. Technically she wasn’t even supposed to be drinking for another few months, but they’d been in countries before where it was legal so it was fine probably. Maybe. Bad girls were hot anyway.“You were a blob of energy?” Clara asked, interestedly. “You don’t look like it.”“I almost ended the world,” Dawn replied, with as much pride as if she had won a spelling bee back in high school or something. “It was a thing.”Clara nodded, then raised her glass. “I have never been almost responsible for an apocalypse.”Dawn, Willow, and Spike all drank.“Okay, now stop saying things for my benefit already,” Dawn griped.“I’ve never kissed a vampire,” offered Xander.Dawn (oops, he forgot about the Halloween parking incident of way too long ago), Spike, Buffy, and Clara all drank.“I’ve never had sex with a vampire.” Damn. Dawn was probably trying to one-up him or something. It usually went like that with them. It was kinda hot.Spike, Buffy, and Clara all drank.“We’re getting to all the bombshell droppage so early,” Willow whined, quietly.“You know, Buffy, I’d ask why a vampire slayer is so… friendly with vampires,” Clara said, pleasantly enough. “But you don’t seem like a normal slayer at all.”Buffy shrugged. “They weren’t normal vampires,” she said, and everyone watched interestedly as Spike tried very hard not to react to that.“Guess I should say something.” Spike’s fingers drummed a beat on his knee as he thought. “I’ve never… given a lap dance.”Buffy, Dawn, Willow, and Clara all drank.The vampire’s smug little smirk faded when Dawn took a drink, to Xander’s slight satisfaction. “Ugh, Niblet, I’d rather you just lie and take your cardy off to spare me the pain. And- Harris, I ever lose this soul, you’re first on my kill list.”“My turn!” Willow trilled. “I’ve never given a blowjob.”“Bloody hell,” Spike growled.“I wish I wasn’t playing this game with my little sister,” grumbled Buffy, reaching for her glass.Buffy, Dawn, and Spike all drank.“Okay, my turn to be with the shocked-” Xander spluttered. “-Spike?!”“I’d murder all of you before giving any details so piss off,” snarled Spike.“Was it Angel?” Buffy asked, perhaps too eagerly.“No!” he snapped, perhaps too vehemently.“The vampire doth protest too much,” put in Willow, snidely.“Murder. Violence. Bloodshed. And then I’ll use your precious comic books to wipe my arse, Harris.”Clara said, “I’ve never gotten engaged.”Xander (finally), Buffy, and Spike (after an elbowing from Buffy) took a drink.“Great. And to think I finally had been able to fully repress the memory of the short-lived yet brutal Buffy-Spike engagement,” commented Xander after the drink had passed down his throat.Willow winced. “I’m still sorry.”Xander didn’t miss the awkward beat that passed between Buffy and Spike, and well, couldn’t help but capitalise on it. Nobody threatens his (very impressive) comic collection and gets away with it, alright?“I’ve never had sex with Harmony Kendall.”Damn, he could almost swear Spike went paler than usual. “One of these days, Harris.”“Yeah, yeah.”Spike drank.“You’ve had sex with Harmony Kendall- the famous one?” Clara asked, sounding a little impressed. Right, he’d forgotten that in most circles that would actually be a sort of accomplishment.“Back before she was busy ruining Dancing With the Stars and everything.”Xander laughed, incensing the vampire further.“You totally would have done her, though, Xander,” Willow pointed out. “In high school.”“I’m a different man now, Will.”“Yeah.” She smiled at him.“Yeah,” repeated Buffy sweetly. “Now you limit yourself to having sex with my baby sister. A different man in the sense of cradle-robbing different.”Spike snorted at that, the filthy 100+ year old hypocrite. The glance Xander exchanged with Dawn was crystal clear- payback time.Dawn cleared her throat. “I’ve never been handcuffed to a crypt wall and fucked so hard that my-““Alright, alright, sorry, we’ll drink, just please, please shut up!” Buffy squealed.Buffy and Spike raised glasses to their lips with inhuman (literally) speed.“Bit shouldn’t even know the word handcuffs unless strictly applied to law enforcement if you ask me,” mumbled Spike.“I am a legal adult, you know,” Dawn said, pouting adorably. “Are you ever gonna stop treating me like a kid?”“I don’t treat you like a kid,” Xander pointed out, and perhaps there was a bit of suggestiveness in there.“Can we continue before I stake myself?” Spike said. “C’mon, one of you little mortals has got to have something I haven’t done.”“Well,” Buffy said. “In honour of Willow’s recent… changes, how about this- I’ve never gotten a piercing anywhere other than my ear.”Spike, Clara, and Willow drank.“No good, love, I’ve had shit stuck in all parts over the years,” Spike said.Buffy examined him, nose mere centimetres from those cheekbones Xander wasn’t at all jealous of ever. “Where? I don’t see any holes. I think you’re-“ She tapped his nose. “Lying.”“Vampire healing, pet, it all closes up in a few days if you don’t keep using it.”“What about tattoos?”“You gotta use a special sort of ink for them to stick, cursed I think. Witches usually keep it round.”“Okay, moving on- I’ve never-“ began Willow, but Buffy waved her into silence.“Wait, Will, I wanna hear more about this. Have you got any tattoos, Spike?” Okay, this was getting flirty. Xander supposed he had it coming for his Dawn-teasing, but still. Gross.“You’d have seen ‘em if I had ‘em, love.”Buffy frowned. “That’s true. Angel had one you know.”Spike rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Oh right, Angel and his poncy monkey bird repentance tattoo. When he rejoined the dark side he was right embarrassed about it.”Buffy grabbed his forearm excitedly. “What if you and me got matching-“Willow interrupted, thank god, with “I’ve never been to church.”Spike, Dawn, Buffy, Clara, and Xander all drank.“For prayers or for lunch?” Spike snickered.“Is the warranty on his soul still good because I think it’s not working, he’s still a creep,” said Xander.Buffy smacked the offending vampire. “We do not joke about eating people in this apartment.”“I’ve never eaten pussy!” offered Dawn brightly. There was laughter. Xander beamed. It occurred that he did rather like funny girls, didn’t he?Spike, Xander, Willow, and Clara all drank.Spike wiggled his eyebrows at Buffy as he downed his shot.“You’d think my lesbian slayer-on-slayer encounter would be good for something,” she sniffed, beginning to sound a little unsteady.“Now it can. I’ve never slept with a slayer,” Clara said. “Unfortunately. I hear it’s quite the experience.”Spike, Buffy, Xander and Willow all drank.Hmm, he almost had forgotten about Faith. There was a lot of ugliness under the surface that they were just skimming over here. Xander couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was going to say something terrible and wreck it all.But several questions about exciting things he never wanted to associate with Buffy or Spike ever again later, nothing dire had occurred.“I’ve met Codger demons more adventurous than you lot, come on,” Spike complained. “How about a little creativity?”“I’ve never had sex with Spike,” Clara said.Buffy drank.“Your loss,” she said. “I recommend it.”Xander, Dawn and Willow gaped, but Spike shrugged it off. “For a slayer your tolerance is remarkably low, pet. Starting to sound a bit snockered there.”“The fuck does that mean?” Buffy laughed her pretty little tinkly drunk Buffy laugh, draped herself over Spike which was just gross. “Snockered. Ha-ha, Buffy’s snockered.”The vampire patted Buffy on the head gently, but (at least on his end) it seemed friendship was the bird’s word, so Xander refrained from forcibly pulling them apart. Because obviously he could take on the strongest slayer and vampire pair alive if he really wanted to.“You realise I’ve had to drink every single time? That last one’s cheating,” Spike continued, as if a warm, drunk little slayer wasn’t trying to nibble on his collarbone. “Try thinking outside the box.”“It’s difficult! You’ve done everything except for stuff that’s regular modern day human stuff, which none of us have not never done!” Willow explained, then frowned. “Or something.”“I’ve never given blood?” Dawn tried.“Does siring count? Or Dru had this thing where-“There came a resounding chorus of “no”.Buffy, Xander, and Willow drank.“Impure blood right here,” Clara said cheerfully.“I hear ya,” Dawn agreed. Right, they had thought what with Dawn being the Key and all that giving her blood away was probably of the bad.“Well,” Willow said in that seductive-willow voice which was still a bit weird to Xander, planting a kiss on Clara’s caramel-coffee cheekbone. “I like it impure.”“Wait, you taste- oh, you didn’t mean… never mind.” Dawn turned pink. Aww.“God, no, I haven’t even known Clara that long. Plus, that’s kind of gross.” The redhead laughed.“Not if it’s a vampi-i-re,” sing-songed Buffy into Spike’s neck. “Makes ‘em go cra-a-azy.”“Ew, Buffy! Spike! Ew!” Dawn covered her eyes in horror, and Xander kind of wanted to follow suit.“Vampire, Niblet. What do you expect, whipped cream? Although I suppose there was some-““Never tell me anything about you two again,” Xander interrupted. “Don’t even use you two in the same sentence. Now will someone say more stuff I’ve done so I can be very drunk and very forgetful about this.”“If you girls weren’t squirming enough, you know we can always tell when you’re on your monthlies, right? Vampires, I mean,” Spike commented, ignoring him. “Smells a mile away. Vampire women don’t get ‘em, though.”Xander thanked god he didn’t have that problem. Willow and Dawn looked uncomfortable, Clara unfazed. She probably was all into that weird stuff what with all the lesbian vampire demon affairs and stuff.“At least you never bit her, like Angel,” Willow, brave little toaster that she was, attempted to change the subject. “Or Dracula.”Spike snarled, a real vampire snarl that ripped out of his chest and would probably have been pretty scary if Xander wasn’t still reeling from the much scarier mental images.Willow wasn’t fazed. “Down boy. I meant it in a good way.” Willow didn’t seem to be scared of anything these days, Xander thought fondly.“Mm, biting.” Buffy caught Spike’s neck with her teeth.“Get off, Slayer.”“Do you think anyone’s ever had a game of ‘I’ve Never’ that doesn’t end up about sex?” Dawn mused.“That’s human beings for you, Bit,” Spike said, pouring the next round.“What, like vampires are so different?” Xander snorted, disbelieving. Spike was a total nympho. Probably Angel as well but he was doomed to never getting any or getting desouled. Sucks to be him.“Well, we also like violence,” Spike replied. “And we’re not the only ones, isn’t that right, Slayer?”“Mmmhmm. Boy smell nice,” purred Buffy.“She’s cave Buffy again!” Xander said in alarm, then felt a jolt of irritation. “Wait- what? No, I’m boy, remember, Buff? I’m the boy that smell nice.”Everyone’s eyes turned to him. “It was a- forget it.”“I’ve never had sex with someone while they were invisible!” exclaimed Buffy suddenly.Xander started to laugh. Drunk Buffy was funny. “Buff, I don’t think many of us-““You are an insufferable bitch and I hate you,” Spike said, and drank.Well, there was number 8592 on Xander’s list of things he would have died happy not knowing. “When you were blinvisible- and with the- exercises. Oh god.”“This game is rapidly devolving into ‘let’s all try and get as many nasty secrets out of Spike as possible,’” the vampire griped. “Can’t we pick on Harris for a change? Or you, Clara, what’s your story anyway?”“Spike! She’s not- it isn’t-““It’s alright, Will,” replied the beauty, soothingly. “I took a vow a long time ago to be open about myself. I’m comfortable. What would you like to know?”“Alright, what sorta demon?”“My mother was Da-jaika.” Clara smiled.“Figures.” Spike grinned back.“It does? I take it you’ve met Da-jaika before?”“A couple. Little bit standoffish, but gorgeous creatures.”Clara blushed prettily, looking down. Offended my ass, thought Xander. He glanced at Willow, who was chewing at her lip.“This isn’t the game anymore. Is this a new game, Xander?” Dawn said, yawning widely.“Yes, it’s called Buffy’s and Willow’s dates flirting with each other,” Xander said, a bit testily. (although he wasn’t sure why.)“First off, wanker, I’m not flirting with anyone. Second, Buffy isn’t my- mmph- my date.” The ‘mmph’ was caused by Buffy trying to shove her tongue in his mouth. “Listen, I better put this one to bed before she does something she regrets in the morning.”“Put her in our bed,” offered Dawn sleepily. “We’ll be okay with sleeping bags.”“Xander’s bed it is. I don’t think she’ll fit in your cradle, niblet, even though she is tiny,” Spike quipped, scooping Buffy up as easily as a romance novel hero, dodging Dawn’s long leg as it half-heartedly kicked out at him, and left the room with Buffy straining to dribble all over his chin.“He really loves her, doesn’t he?” Clara said, quietly.“Yeah,” Xander replied. “Unfortunately.” But he only half-meant it now.“Does it bother you?” For a second Willow looked and sounded rather like the old Willow, not nose ring Willow.“Will- babe.” Clara laughed. “Demon or no, hottie or no, I’m not into men. Ever. At all. It was just nice, to talk about it with someone, you know? I never met my mother. It was just nice to hear.”“Oh.” Willow sounded relieved. “Hey, you wanna-““Yes. Let’s.”The two women stood up, clasping hands. Xander peered up at them. “See ya, Will. And nice meeting you, Clara.”“Likewise, Xander.”Dawn stirred. “’Bye, Willow and Tara.” She mumbled groggily.Xander froze, but Willow only smiled, sadly. “Night, Dawnie.” And they left.“Dawn?” He said after a while. “You wanna help me grab sleeping bags?”No answer. Sound asleep. He extricated himself from beneath her, got up just as Spike came out of the bedroom, looking on the miserable side of things as he rummaged around for his duster.Xander heaved a sigh. He was predisposed to be antagonistic towards Spike, it was true, there was a mile-long list of reasons why he didn’t like the guy, but…. he wasn’t an asshole. And he wasn’t blind, despite crazy preacher man’s best efforts in that department.“Hey, listen,” he said, quietly. Spike whipped around to look at him.“Thought you were asleep,” said the vampire, shrugging on his duster.“It hurts when she’s like that, doesn’t it?”“If you’re wildly curious,” snapped Spike. “Yes, it hurts. Can’t see as it’s any of your business, though.”“Well, see, Buffy’s my friend. And you’re… the annoying undead guy that hangs around, so let me tell you something.”Spike visibly braced himself for whatever it was he thought was coming.“Just be a little bit more patient.” Xander had to admit that it was worth saying all this if only for the stunned expression on Spike’s face. “She’ll get there.”Spike stared, speechless, for a few seconds. Then he nodded, and left the apartment.Xander went to find blankets for himself and Dawn.