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Siyeon is used to being the youngest one, the baby. Ever since she was eight years old, entering the Pledis building for the first time, she's lived and breathed the meaning of maknae.She doesn't mind, really; she wouldn't trade anything for the warm feelings she has, surrounded by her friends and labelmates, all proud of her, all warm, tight hugs and high-fives and snacks they bring her when she comes by after school. Her unnies teach her dance moves, show her parts of the choreo they're working on. When she gets the chance to film with them, to hold a drum and be beside them, she's ecstatic. Raina pats her head, and she looks tiny even next to the shortest member.In truth, she has two little sisters at home, ones she loves with all her heart, who she can baby and tease and play with. She's not always the maknae, but when music and dance has consumed her life, it's hard to remember how to take care of dongsaengs too.
Two years later, the world changes, little by little, right under her feet. The catalyst of this slow, burning reaction is soft brown hair, a pretty, expressive face, and a hello kitty t-shirt."Hello, my name is Kyla. I'm from LA." The Korean leaving her mouth is imperfect, tinged with an American accent, sounding rehearsed, but pleasant. Everything about her is warm, if a little reserved. Her hair is a chestnut color that looks so different from Siyeon's own, her eyebrows thick and framing sparkling almond-shaped eyes. She looks like a doll, lovely and unlike anyone Siyeon has met before. She's adorable, Siyeon thinks."I'm Park Siyeon," she responds. "I'm the Pledis baby, you've probably heard of me.""Actually, I think I'm the youngest now," Kyla says in a flat voice, looking down slightly. She reminds Siyeon of a deer, cautious, unsure whether to come closer or run.Siyeon squeals, finding this extremely cute. "Oh, oh, I have a dongsaeng now!" She rushes forward and wraps her arms around Kyla's slight frame. Kyla stiffens, but doesn't pull away. Siyeon does though, after a second."Sorry! I'm just so excited. What year are you, then?"They talk for the next half hour, and Siyeon learns that Kyla is a year younger than her, and she plans to visit every summer when she doesn't have school so that she can train at Pledis. Siyeon mentally translates this in her head; for a few months every year, she'll have another little sister. She's beyond excited.
Siyeon knows that her labelmates let her pass on most everything related to being a maknae, likely because she is still so young. She is eleven now, and filming for her unnies' music video again, this time dressed in a red cloak, wondering over books and characters and dancing. Cute and innocent and sweet, it suits her image. This, she thinks, she understands well as a maknae. Being quiet and respectful and doing tasks for her elders--not as much. She's sassy by nature and often loud, running around the company building and belting SNSD's newest songs. Her unnies laugh and call her a princess since all of the staff let her do what she wants, unconcerned about a cute little girl that everyone loves.Kyla comes back again that summer, looking a little taller, her words flowing out a little smoother, her vocabulary a little bigger. Siyeon watches her follow around Shannon, a trainee who came in the year between Siyeon and Kyla, who also only is there for the summers. Kyla's quiet, just like she was with Siyeon at first, but her gaze is clearly admiring as she exchanges new Korean words with Shannon and they try covering American pop songs together.Siyeon tries to improve her own skills, learning new techniques. She goes to Seungcheol and Nayoung, who have been in the company almost as long as she has. The two trainees are five years older than her, with mature natures and focused concentration, completely unlike Siyeon. She knows the two of them are both expected to debut the next year, but she bugs them when they’re free to help her learn to rap. Nayoung smiles and ruffles her hair while teaching her to enunciate her words better, and Seungcheol patiently helps her come up with lines of her own.She's happy to be coddled by the other trainees, to get their loving attention, and work hard for more praise. It fuels her practices, waiting for the day when she's not only acting in a music video, but also singing and dancing and getting to be loved on a national stage.One night, she goes to ask Nayoung to listen to the latest song she's trying, feeling much more satisfied with her practice. She bounds through the building, sneakers making sounds that echo in the empty hallways. She looks into the larger dance studio, and pauses. Nayoung is sitting down in the far corner of the room, looking exhausted. An empty water bottle and a towel lay by her feet. Next to her, crouching down, is the much smaller figure of Kyla. She's holding out a granola bar, and Nayoung accepts it gratefully. Across the room, Siyeon can hear Kyla's soft voice."Unnie, you've worked really hard. Let me take you back to get some sleep. You might hurt yourself if you stay up too late again." Siyeon can't stop staring. She's never seen Nayoung look this beaten down, this tired. How did Kyla find her like this? How many times has this happened? She feels a sudden heaviness in her chest, an unfamiliar guilt bubbling up. Embarrassed and unsure what to do, she back away, decides to head back to the dorms and go to sleep. For once, she has no more untamed energy and goofiness, and her mind is at a loss for words.She finds it hard to sleep that night, tossing and turning and replaying Kyla's respectful, cautious words to Nayoung. She knows she would have reacted differently, maybe even bodily dragged Nayoung to go back with her. She would display her concern in stubborness, in pleading whines, and in aegyo-filled entreaties. Maybe she's not the picture perfect junior, the respectful younger sibling. She's really nothing like the quiet and filial image of Kyla, who seems like a perfect dongsaeng.
The next year, the Pledis building seems to have a heavier atmosphere than ever before. In early spring Nu'est debuts, without Seungcheol, and while he's very happy for the others, Siyeon sees the uncertainty in his eyes. She sees him in the small rooms, talking to Jihoon, leaning his head on the smaller boy's shoulder. She wonders what he's thinking.The next blow comes later in the spring, when the Pledis management informs her unnies of new changes to After School. Kahi is graduating to perform solo activities, they say, and they're adding one more new member. She knows what has happened when she sees Nayoung later. Her face is expressionless, her fists tightly curled at her sides. Lee Kaeun debuts at the beginning of the summer, and Siyeon is thrilled for her, but worries about Nayoung, remembering that night in the dance studio one summer ago.Siyeon wonders, during the hot summer months, how Pledis made their decision. She knows it'll be years before she is old enough to be considered for After School or another group, but can't help think ahead to those days. What would make her a top choice then? How can she guarantee her own debut?Some evenings, she wonders if she's hearing crying. She's been staying late more often, running through dances after she finishes her schoolwork, remembering Nayoung demonstrating the steps of every After School choreography. Once, she wanders by one of the recording booths, door slightly ajar. She hears the shaky words “I still wasn't enough,” and she pauses, heart pounding. After a moment, she walks quickly away, her breathing quickening until she steps out of the building into the cooler air.Siyeon wonders if the years at Pledis are really getting harder, or if she was blind to the hardships around her this whole time, and only now are her eyes slowly opening.
The next March, Siyeon watches Seungcheol join other trainees on Seventeen TV. It makes sense, she thinks, that he didn't debut in Nu’est. He now can be a mentor, an example to the younger members of this huge group with his experience and maturity.The arrival of so many new trainees over the recent months has been quite startling, but she's adapted to this new loudness in the building. After all, she finds it a comforting environment, the jokes and shouts from the dance studio, the chattering in the hallways, the pats on the head she gets from the other trainees as they pass by her.There are more new female trainees that have arrived in this past year too, and she starts realizing that maybe one day she will debut alongside some of them.In the summer, she seeks out Kyla, wanting to talk to someone closer to her age amongst this influx of unfamiliar people. Most of the time, she is alone, practicing raps quietly in one of the rooms, but sometimes she sees her talking to Hansol, one of the male trainees. The English floods her ears, and she tastes the unfamiliar words, feeling unsure.Everything seems to be changing around her, a new environment. The sense of businesses and activity only seems to grow, and Siyeon feels thrown for a loop. Why did everything feel much more simple not too long ago?She longs for the days when she was still the baby, the center of attention, almost carefree.
A couple more trainees join over the next year, but the company mostly stays the same. Siyeon slowly feel herself acclimating to the new environment, settling into the new dynamics. The Seventeen members continue to prepare for debut, so Siyeon finds space and time when she can, listening to new girl group releases when the building is overcrowded.This year, Orange Caramel is going to release a new MV, and Pledis wants many of the male and female trainees to feature in the MV and be backup dancers. This summer, Kyla and Sungyeon have both moved to Korea for good, after they were told Pledis will start preparations for another girl group. Siyeon is excited for them to join everyone in this project.Kyla approaches her, a rare occurrence.“Siyeon-unnie,” she says quietly, “How can I appear confident when the recording happens?” Siyeon is a little taken aback. This isn't something she's really thought about, and as she realizes that, she realizes something else--that's probably why Kyla asked her. She's been dancing and singing (well, lip-synching) in multiple videos for Pledis already, enough that performing feels like a natural trait of hers.“Well,” she ponders, “I think it's all about practice! And once you have enough, the recording will just feel like another time you're rehearsing the choreography.” Kyla still looks unsure, so Siyeon grins and pokes her cheek. “I know you'll be great.”Kyla scrunches her face when Siyeon's finger hits her skin, but her eyes are amused, so Siyeon keeps smiling.“Here, let's go to the studio and practice again. I think I saw Eunwoo-unnie and Minkyung-unnie there.” The two of them walk together, and Siyeon feels almost giddy, a little proud now that she's availed some of her dongsaeng’s worries.When they're all on stage together, she sees Kyla’s bright face, and her own wide smile comes easily.
If 2014 was filled with less change and more carefree fun, 2015 seems to undo everything that brought Siyeon most of her calm happiness. Seventeen finally debuts, a thirteen member group that many call huge, but Siyeon knows better, having seen several more trainees come and go. No one really knows if it was by choice, and she thinks again back several years, long nights and quietly voiced doubts she accidentally overheard.Remembering those times in the face of new hopes for the company, which she knows is struggling to keep above the water, she grits her teeth, laces her sneakers, and practices harder. If she has the chance to debut, she would do anything.She and Kyla are closer during the summer, but it's a closeness formed by hours in the studio dancing, critiquing each other's raps, trying to learn the newest releases. In the occasional breaks they take, she teaches Kyla more Korean, and Kyla in turn shows her American songs.The summer ends quicker this year, seemingly, and then suddenly the company is abuzz. Seventeen has released their second MV, and they're suddenly gaining popularity. Pledis is getting attention, money, and hope to keep rising in recognition. When a producer for Mnet contacts the company, it's inevitable.The management tells the seven of them--all the female trainees minus Yewon (who's been showing up less, shy with her new braces) and Shannon and Kyla (who both will be in America during some breaks) that they will be promoted on a new survival group show in the beginning of the next year if they can pass the initial screening and auditions.So Siyeon yet again returns determined to the studios, working on her rap and dance and vocals. She needs to be good enough that they have no choice of picking her. She may be Pledis’ princess, but she is not Mnet’s.Luckily, they all make it through, and the seven of them collapse in an excited heap in the studio. Jieqiong and Eunwoo are laughing hysterically, and even Nayoung smiles widely, though she gently reminds them all that now they'll need to start practicing their group song for the company performances.They are told they get announced in December with the other 94 trainees, and it feels that much more tangible.“Pledis Girls, fighting!”
The winter is a flurry of preparations. Siyeon works with Nayoung, rearranging and choreographing their unnie’s song, Bang!, so they can appear as a formidable, solid group. She's proud when they all finish the choreography for the first time, ending in their final pose. She knows the demanding dance will set them apart, make the company proud. After all, that's what they most need to do. Capitalize on the growing recognition, riding the waves of attention until they can finally debut themselves.Nayoung is still reserved about everything, but Siyeon thinks she understands more now. She's been here for years, and never debuted with After School like she thought she would. Nayoung is one of the strongest people she knows, but she's starting to look a little defeated after all this time. Siyeon notes how she barely lets this show, rounding up her dongsaengs for another run through, checking their positions, encouraging them as they memorize lyrics.When they file out and are introduced in front of all of the trainees for the first time, she sees the looks of surprise and admiration, and she feels elated. They are a force to be reckoned with. Siyeon is in her seat, next to her unnies, when she really reflects over everything. The words have left her mouth before, yes, but this is when she truly feels like the maknae of Pledis Girls. She's not the youngest on the show, but almost all of the girls entering through the doors are older than her. She's a baby again.In this environment at least, she thinks she can become the person the world will expect of her. She didn't grow up being teased by most of these girls, she can be respectful and polite. Maybe her sweetness will get her through, even if her talents aren't enough. She still hopes her eight years of training will show.Their performance ends, and Siyeon is on the stage, below the watchful eyes, waiting for their scores. The evaluation is truly a mixed bag, which Siyeon thinks is a little unfair. She wouldn't have given any of them less than a C, at least. Maybe she's biased, but she knows all of her labelmates better than this. Slapping the B on her name tag, she smiles at Nayoung, glad that they will be together at least.The evaluations and eliminations and performances seem to fly by. Siyeon hasn't ever felt this much pressure before at Pledis, and she's never missed her family this much. She sobs on the phone with her mom, feeling grateful that she is still being taken care of even if she feels so far away right now. She trains harder and harder, but in the end, her youthful cuteness only takes her so far.When she is eliminated, she holds her breath and returns to the company, waiting to know the fate of Nayoung, Jieqiong, and Eunwoo. She thinks of Nayoung, wonders if this is an all or nothing chance for her. She votes and crosses her fingers and stays up to catch the late night broadcasts.
She's watching the last episode, nervous and on-edge, when Kyla slips onto the couch beside her.“I can't imagine how that must feel,” Kyla ventures. Siyeon tenses, the edginess and desperation and anticipation rushing back to her. She turns her head to see the other girl, her face lit up in streaks of soft and bright lights from the TV in front of her. Her profile stands out, eyes slightly narrowed in concentration, her bottom lip slightly pulled in. Siyeon swallows.“I… it's like nothing I've ever felt before. No amount of training prepared me for facing the feeling of uncertainty, the knowledge that I could debut in weeks or be sent back, and my fate was in the hands of people I've never met.” She looks back at the screen. “I still don't know how it must be for Nayoung-unnie though. I don't want her to be cheated out of debuting.” Quietly, she adds, “Again.”Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Kyla's head swivel around to face her, can feel her stare against her cheek. She hears her breathe a little deeper, watches her turn back to the show in front of them.“Yeah,” Kyla breathes out, “she needs to make it.” The episode is ending, and the trainees are all there. Siyeon tenses up again, recognizing the situation. She's right back there with them, uniform pressed, holding hands with her labelmates, waiting for the unknown. She watches. They introduce the final elimination, and she anxiously waits as the editing prolongs the suspense. They present the number 10 spot on the final lineup, waiting to call a girl’s name. Head spinning, she unthinkingly reaches out beside her, grabs Kyla's arm. She can feel the younger girl shaking underneath her, and this snaps her into reality a little more. Slowly, she slides her hand down Kyla's arm, laces their fingers together. Kyla grips her fingers tightly. Her breathing is still too shallow, and her heartbeat is still too fast, but she feels more grounded with Kyla's soft skin against her hand, remembers that they both are waiting together.When the name Im Nayoung is called, the two of them collapse into each other on the couch, an implosion of relief and happiness and tears that mirror those of the girls on screen.
Nayoung and Jieqiong are gone, and Siyeon is so excited for them. They are promoting the company name, and are beloved by the country. Nayoung is finally debuted, after seven years of hard training and crushed hopes. Siyeon still cries when she sees the clip of her, her voice saying that she could have quit if she didn't make it.All the eight of them still at Pledis are not together for long before the company is preparing them for an early debut, an initial group so that they can promote Shannon on Girl's Spirit, and keep up their momentum for when the IOI members return, for when they can debut as the ten member group they were meant to be.Siyeon writes, pouring her feelings into what will become their debut single. Eunwoo and Shannon compose the song, and besides the three of them, Minkyung contributes lyrics as well. The collaboration makes Siyeon even more ecstatic, they are truly together.She enthuses her feelings to Kyla, “Our MV of our own, our first song!” Kyla smiles at her, looking happy, but Siyeon is reminded of the girl that came up to her during the My Copycat preparations, realizes that she's probably just as nervous as she was then, if not more so.“Come on, let's go over our raps together!” She takes Kyla's hand, leading her into the dance studio, her heart thrumming in time to her racing feet.
Their MV filming is indescribable happiness, and Siyeon finds it beyond easy to convey the emotions she needs to. She's with her members, she's finally here after so long. She wonders if this is how Nayoung felt when IOI came out with their debut MV, finally stepping out onto the big stage promised to her, the goal they all had been working towards.They have no music show broadcasts, but they watch the views go up on their MV, and practice the choreography as Shannon prepares her songs for her own survival show.When they perform on stage for the first time in front of TV cameras, Siyeon feels the audiences cheering in her chest, heart pumping in time to the beat pounding on the stage. Shannon continues on for her broadcast, and the rest of them collapse together, teary and elated. They've become Pledis Girlz for real. The world is becoming theirs to shine in. Siyeon meets Kyla’s eyes across Kyungwon’s back, mouthing, “You did amazing.” She watches Kyla look down, face reddening, and Siyeon smiles.
The Pledis Girlz concerts continue the heart-pounding delight. She sees them attract surprising amounts of fans for a group that hasn't truly debuted yet, and feels unbelievable amounts of pride for her unnies that have worked so hard on their solo performances. The group performances are powerful and fun and playful, and Siyeon enjoys getting to cover her favorite artist’s songs.The rap line puts together a song and it is one of her favorite stages. She gets to perform alongside Nayoung, in a break from her promotions. Backstage, she pulls Kyla into a one-armed hug, still jumping up and down out of giddiness. Their cheeks are both flushed.“I feel like I’m on top of the world,” Kyla whispers to her, muffled in the dark by the sounds of the music still playing onstage.
With the constant concerts, and debut anticipation, they never stop working hard in the studios. Siyeon feels like she gets to understand herself even better than before, pushing her body to its maximum in fits of sweat and sore limbs and aching feet, tiring her mind as she hastily scribbles down lyrics, wondering what songs they will put on their debut album. She knows they can’t debut until the IOI members disband in January. While she feels for Nayoung and Jieqiong, who love their other members, the new year can’t come fast enough for her.
In January, Siyeon is finally with her members as they become Pristin. She stands next to Kyla as the confetti rains down, and they share a smile. They are so close to the dream Siyeon has pictured for years, they are so close to debuting, the two youngest members of the girl group Pristin.Afterwards, she finds Kyla as the staff take down the equipment from the concert. Siyeon is tearing up again as she sees her dongsaeng’s face, the tired joy softly radiating from her eyes. She rushes forward, and wraps her arms around her waist, letting all the emotions she has been holding back bubble up inside her. They stay that way for a while, Kyla accepting her tight grip. She feels their heartbeats stutter until they match rhythms, slowly calming down while they remain together.Eunwoo crashes into them with a start, and Siyeon lets out a surprised exhale, quick and sharp.“Our maknaes,” she coos. “I’m so happy.” Siyeon smiles at her unnie’s affection, even as she jokingly gives her a little shove. They all step back from each other, Siyeon and Eunwoo with matching grins, Kyla with a small smile, fondness more conveyed in her eyes.
Their debut album is put together, and the date is set, and of course Siyeon finds herself in the studios late at night. She has many lines in the title track, and she wants to be perfect when she stands in the nation’s spotlight. Once she’s sung the last “wee woo” for the millionth time, flipping her hair as her hand comes up to frame her face like she’s calling out, she sprawls out on the floor chest moving up and down, energy sinking. Her stomach grumbles a bit, and she frowns.Sighing, she pulls herself up slowly so her head doesn’t start spinning, and decides to go to the convenience store outside the building before she gets her stuff and heads back to the dorms. The night air is refreshing against her skin, prickling her arms in a way that suggests it’s much colder out than it feels. When she gets to the store, the door swings open quietly underneath her fingertips. No one is there right now besides the cashier, so she quickly picks out a banana milk and a couple snacks.When she gets back to the building, she passes by one of the smaller rooms, pausing as she sees the light coming underneath the door. Slowly turning the doorknob, she pushes it open gently, and sees Kyla, her cheek pressed into the table, eyes shut, headphones still around her ears, connected to a computer that seems long asleep. She sees her shoulders rise slightly, slowly, hearing the quiet deep breaths of her dongsaeng. Siyeon feels a buzzing in her chest, concern and worry and an underlying flustered feeling, seeing Kyla’s wavy dark hair spilling onto the table and over the white t-shirt she’s wearing.Siyeon places the convenience store bag down, and quickly goes to the dance studio, grabbing her backpack. She returns with her sweatshirt in her hands, and sets it down on the table. Slowly, carefully, she stretches the headphones until she can remove them from Kyla’s head, untangling the cord from strands of her hair. She hesitates now, fingers hovering by Kyla’s head, unsure and unwilling to disturb this beautiful moment of peace she has. Gently, she cups the side of her head, raising it slightly so she can slide her bunched up sweatshirt underneath. Kyla’s breathing stutters, and Siyeon’s heart stumbles along with it, but her body soon relaxes, slipping into deep rising and falling again. Siyeon doesn’t think her speeding heart is attuned anymore--even as the scene gets more peaceful, her mind buzzes more and she becomes restless. She places the snacks from her bag by Kyla, and decides to leave before she spontaneously combusts (it’s seeming increasingly likely now).Returning to the dorms only helps so much. Every time she tries to close her eyes, she sees Kyla’s eyelashes over the curve of her cheek, the natural pink tinge of her skin, the soft skin under her eyes that’s been getting darker these days. Siyeon knows Kyla feels a lot of pressure as one of the members that the public knows the least about, one who will suddenly be put in the spotlight as the maknae of the group. She feels guilty though, not knowing she was staying up so late to practice, enough that she fell asleep in the building.Siyeon finds it hard to sleep that night, tossing and turning as her mind spins.
When she wakes up, her head groggy and her limbs leaden, her phone reads “4 days until debut!” This is enough to get her up quickly, thinking of practicing and preparing until she’s unquestionably perfect. When she stumbles into the common room, hair still mussed and a funny taste in her mouth, she stops in her tracks at the sight of Kyla, on the couch with her back turned away from her. Memories of the previous night come flooding into her brain until she is awake more that ever, feeling lingering concern and nervousness.“Hey Siyeon,” she hears, quietly, and she starts, staring at the girl on the couch. Kyla turns around to look at her, smiling slightly at the surprise on her face. “All the rest of them went to practice, but I told them I’d wait for you since neither of us got too much sleep last night, I think.”Siyeon swallows, throat suddenly dry, hoping her cheeks aren’t flushed right now.“I… how are you?” she asks.“I’m less tired that I thought I might be. Thank you. I think you’re the reason my face doesn’t have a giant table imprint,” she laughs softly.Siyeon feels a little better, knowing that Kyla is likely feeling a little awkward too right now, that she isn’t the only one feeling out of sorts from this whole situation. She walks over to the couch, and when she sees Kyla, she realizes she’s wearing her sweatshirt. This is enough to have her trying to cover up her smile, a rush of happiness suddenly warming her up from the inside out. She plops onto the sofa and before her courage runs away, plants a kiss on Kyla’s cheek. Her skin is unbelievably soft under Siyeon’s lips, and when she pulls away, she sees a bloom of pink spread from the spot her mouth touched.She gives her a goofy grin to hide her sudden flustered feelings, but she kind of has the feeling that the other girl can see right through her. When Kyla smiles though, she doesn’t mind.“I’m glad, Ila-ya,” she says, in a subdued voice that’s rather uncharacteristic of her.Their hands find each other for a moment, fingers tangling, before they get up to go practice. Siyeon comes to the quiet realization that barely any words are needed between them these days.
Siyeon thinks she can get used to being the second youngest one, part of the maknae line, now that she has Kyla by her side.She knows she doesn’t mind it at all; she wouldn’t trade anything for the times they share, curled up on sofas in the dorm as they monitor their performances, finding each other’s hands backstage before a show, sharing moments of peace and calm in the middle of their busy schedules. They cook together in the dorms, Kyla laughing and grabbing the wooden spoon from her when she’s in danger of starting a fire in the kitchen, adding plenty of seasonal vegetables they’re enjoying in celebration of their success. Siyeon is happy to tell her about all of the favorable articles she’s been reading as they fold their legs underneath themselves and savor their noodles. She can’t help but smile as she gazes at the other girl, glowing and content.In truth, she’s really come to be fond of this balance between maknae and unnie, embracing the collection of roles life has thrown at her. With music, dance, her members, and her maknae in her life, she’s learning how to take care of another person she loves.