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SATAN DEFEATS CELL
Humanity’s Greatest Hero Emerges Victorious From Cell Games
Rei Tendoh, Chief Editor
May 26
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASENORTHERN WASTELANDS -- A reverberating sense of triumph and relief can be felt the world over after Hercule Satan, humanity’s champion, truly proved himself Number One Under the Heavens by defeating the monster known only as Cell in hand-to-hand combat this afternoon. Surrounded only by his closest confidants, a brave team of ZTV reporters, and a small catering crew, he battled a debilitating stomach virus to clinch victory and save our planet from certain doom.
“Truly this is humanity’s finest hour,” King Furry declared in a post-battle radio interview. “One must remember that when all else fails, we must always place hope and faith in our heroes. Now the difficult work begins as we bury our dead, grieve, and rebuild our cities and our lives. I call upon the citizens of the world to emulate Hercule Satan’s fine example and show resilience in the face of despair.”
Hercule Satan was not available for comment. His lawyer has indicated that private media outlets are welcome to place bids for exclusive rights to his first post-Games interview. [...] the contemporary historian Daisho notes, however, a startling discrepancy between Firecracker’s initial reaction to the boy’s appearance, and the ensuing assertion that he was merely there to cater the event1. In particular, he reads a certain level of uncertainty; this suggests, according to Daisho, that Firecracker may not have known that any takeout was ordered until the boy arrived2.Speculation that the delivery boy may have been the cause of Mr. Satan’s food poisoning ran rampant in the months following the Cell Games3. However, upon closer inspection of the Tapes Firecracker seems confused by his presence; none of Mr. Satan’s entourage seem to know why he is there; in fact, the entire concept that the delivery boy was at the Cell Games to deliver food in the first place seems to be complete conjecture invented on the spot by Jimmy Firecracker4. Daisho and his contemporaries fail to address this possibility. In this paper I will argue, using a minute-by-minute analysis of the Tapes, that the boy in the white cape was not a pizza delivery boy at all, but had always intended to participate in the battle between Mr. Satan and Cell [...]1Sho Daisho, A Moment Not Lost: Reconstructing the Cell Games through Jimmy Firecracker’s Own Words, pp. 304 - 310
2ibid, pp. 310 - 311
3See, for example, Yoshio, “The Boy in the White Cape: Pizza Delivery Boy, or Cell’s Secret Weapon?”, and Mitami Kurosaki, Cultural Dress at The World’s Strongest Tournaments, particularly her comparison of the delivery boy’s outfit to that of Ma Junior several years prior (pp. 25 - 34; 172 - 189). While the similarity is noteworthy, it is fair to assume it is mere coincidence.
4Toei Studios, The [Cell Games] Tapes (unabridged recording), 3:20:41 - 4:36:45. Accessed 12 May with permission.
Something Surprising That Happened To MeBy: Tori
My composition is about something surprising that happened to me. When there was 1 day before the Cell Games I was in my backyard and I was sad because I thought my mom was gone and I was also scared because I thought maybe Mr. Satan would lose. Then the pizza delivery boy went into my backyard from the sky. He had yellow hair and green eyes. He was glowing. He asked why I was sad. I said I was sad because I was scared about the Sell Games even if Mr. Satan was going to fight. He said “don’t be scared because I know strong people who are going to the Cell Games”. Then the pizza delivery boy was at the Cell Games with Mr. Satan. That is something surprising that happened to me.
Excellent composition, Tori! Very imaginative :)
B+
CARONI: [entering from stage left with the PIZZA DELIVERY BOY] My lord, a new friend arrives.MR. SATAN: Let him speak.PIZZA DELIVERY BOY: Exalted among the exalted,
Great among the great, I come bearing gifts
of bread and wine for you and your entourage.
Will you accept?
MR. SATAN: Hm.[to audience] A gift! The grace and love
Of humanity in our darkest hour! And yet,
I am ill of composure today; I can feel a
Twisting pain in my gut. I cannot partake
Of bread and wine for fear of death or worse.
[to PIZZA DELIVERY BOY] I accept with thanks.
Place the food and drink yonder, so that
The throng may eat.
PIROZHKI: Mr. Satan is most kind.
CARONI: Mr. Satan is most generous.
BYSTANDER 3: Mr. Satan is a true hero.PIZZA DELIVERY BOY: With lies and deceit,
With smoke and mirrors, with trickery
And vague injustices, Cell has stolen
The hearts of the people. Standing
In your presence fills me with hope.MR. SATAN: And hope shall be rewarded!
Thank you, boy; your gifts will surely
Sustain us through this terrible trial. Now
Go, join the throng; you shall see me fight soon.
BYSTANDERS: [as one] Hail Satan!
PIZZA DELIVERY BOY: Thank you, sir! [exunt]MR. SATAN: Ho, a storm approaches,
And the monster awaits his champion. For the sake
Of that poor boy I must grit my teeth and
Put on a brave face. Though evil forces
Have set my stomach ablaze with pain
And misery, I will fight on. O strange and cruel fate!
That you would put me through such pain and hell
On the very day I was meant to battle Cell! Earth’s Last Hope
Eri Mitama
Acrylic and oil on canvas
Donated by B. Brief, to commemorate the fifteenth anniversary of the end of the Cell GamesA fatalist by nature, Mitama constructed this piece in her family’s country home while watching the broadcast of the Cell Games. In the foreground, Mr. Satan is depicted in bright oils standing resplendent and victorious holding the head of the decapitated monster who lies beneath his boot; in the background, in muted acrylics and Mitama’s usual style, are the onlookers and the ZTV team. The composition of the piece suggests a different subject in the foreground was originally intended - potentially the pizza delivery boy, who seems to have been hastily added after the piece was finished. This is the last piece Mitama painted before moving into her landscape period. The piece was purchased by Capsule Corporation and was hung in the Briefs’ personal collection before being donated.
May 26Dear Diary,Well, tomorrow's the third anniversary of Dad’s victory, and also, coincidentally, the third anniversary of the end of my social life. Dad's gotten all busy with the preparations and left me here under the “watchful eye” of all the servants so I'm basically in prison.This sucks. I know this sounds ungrateful, but sometimes I miss it? The way things used to be. I miss Mom and I miss Dad putting on his stupid mask and I miss Tuesday nights when he'd take me to his matches and I would cheer for whoever was wrestling against him and I miss how fake it was and how fun it was. I miss the way things were before he went to the martial arts tournament. I miss the before-Cell stuff.I should have been there. I wish Dad had taken me to the Cell Games like he took me to all his other matches. I would have stood there next to the pizza delivery boy and cheered my dad on because if I'm not allowed to date a boy ever again since my dad became famous, at least I could have seen the thing that made him famous. Ugh!!V
3 THE ONLOOKERS
There then remain the nine miscellaneous figures in attendance at the Cell Games who were not associated with Mr. Satan and his entourage. Based on cross-references to existing documentation, they are as followers:3.1 V. Brief. Birthplace unknown. Age unknown. Naturalized 766, sponsored by Capsule Corp though evidence suggests he was not born on Earth. Father to T. Brief, 7 November 766. Involved in the East City incident, 762. Evidence suggests that he may have been an aggressor though there have been no recent incidents.3.2 Unknown. Birthplace unknown. Age unknown. No known records. Referred to on Tape as "Trunks", though obvious discrepancies exist as the Briefs' son Trunks is an infant.
3.3 Son G. Born Mount Paozu. Age 31. Trained Turtle Style, 748 - ?. Married Son C., 8 May 756. Father to Son G., 18 May 757. Finalist, 21st World Martial Arts Tournament. Finalist, 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament . Winner, 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament (Ma Junior incident). Likely involved in the King Piccolo incident and the the East City incident, 762. Involved in the Red Ribbon incident, 750. Recovered fragments from the Northern Wastelands suggest he may have spent time off-planet. Involved in the Amenbo Island incident, 767.3.4 Krillin. Birthplace unknown. Age 31. Trained Orin Temple, 740 - 748. Trained Turtle Style, 748 - ?. Semifinalist, 21st World Martial Arts Tournament. Semifinalist, 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament. Quarterfinalist, 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament. Death certificate on record, 8 May 753. Involved in the Red Ribbon incident, 750. Involved in the East City incident, 762. Involved in the Amenbo Island incident, 767.3.5 T. Shinhan. Birthplace unknown. Age 34. Trained Crane Style, ? - 753. Winner, 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament. Semifinalist, 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament. Involved in the East City incident, 762. Death certificate on record, 3 November 762. Involved in the Amenbo Island incident, 767.3.6 Ma Junior. Birthplace unknown. Age unknown. Finalist, 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament. Appears to be related to King Piccolo, although that could be coincidence as there have been no recent incidents. Involved in the East City incident, 762. Involved in the Amenbo Island incident, 767. Involved in the Ginger Town incident, 767.3.7 Son G. Alias "Pizza Delivery Boy". Born Mount Paozu. Age 11. Likely involved in the East City incident, 762. Involved in the Amenbo Island incident, 767.3.8 Yamcha. Birthplace unknown. Age 34. Trained Turtle Style, 753 - 756. Quarterfinalist, 21st World Martial Arts Tournament. Quarterfinalist, 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament. Quarterfinalist, 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament. Involved in the Diablo Desert incident, 749. Signed with West City Titans, Number 00 (756 - 761), BA .320. Involved in the East City incident, 762. Death certificate on record, 3 November 762. Involved in the Amenbo Island incident, 767.3.9 G. Gero. Born North City. Age 36. Referred to on Tape as "Android Sixteen" which may be related to the discrepancy between perceived and actual age. Attended North City High. Enlisted in Red Ribbon Army, 745 - 750. Death Certificate on record, 12 May 750.
4 THE CULT OF SMOKE AND MIRRORS
4.1 Of note is how many of the onlookers were involved in the same incidents and are connected to the same people. Various connections to Capsule Corp and the Turtle School -- note that Yamcha was publicly involved with B. Brief while signed to the West City Titans, and that Gero wore the Capsule Corporation logo -- are particularly noteworthy; the problem remains that the Brief family and the Turtle Hermit may be aware of what occurred on 27 May 767, and further investigation is necessary.4.2 Furthermore, the deaths (or severe injury) of several onlookers were caught on tape during the East City incident on 3 November 762 before the plane was destroyed. It is difficult to argue, based on the quality of film, that these deaths were staged or faked; this raises the troublesome question of how these people were able to appear seemingly unharmed five years later. Though Ma Junior's connection to or involvement in the King Piccolo incident or if he was the aggressor at the 23rd World Martial Arts Tournament, and though the question remains as to whether or not Vegeta still poses a threat to national or international security, no major incidents have occurred since 762; furthermore, their antagonism towards Cell suggests that they may have become peaceful. The issue then remains that several of the onlookers may not be human, and may be reanimated dead.
4.3 Extraterrestrial origins?
-- yeah, so we got the World Tournament coming up in, like, a week, when the brass comes down all blah blah blah, people are starting to ask questions, blah blah blah, gotta give ‘em what they want. Not that I had any answers. I sure as hell wasn’t there that day. I was, like, still in high school during the Cell Games. We had a science test that week, too. Ha! Who the hell gives their kids a science test when the world’s about to end?-- anyways, so I’m working as a temp at Toei and the brass wants a full reenactment of the missing video footage of the Cell Games, ready for the public in a week. We didn’t even have a fuckin’ crew together and they wanted us filming by, like, yesterday. So we cobbled together a bunch of shitty costumes, took everyone who’d ever punched a time card for the company into the middle of a fuckin’ desert, and shot the damn thing in a single afternoon.-- what? No, it was, like, hot glue and repurposed high school mascot costumes. If you look really close you can see where we taped Cell’s ear things onto the head. I drew the short straw and had to play the pizza delivery boy, fucking thing stank to high hell by the end of the day.-- you’re not recording this, are you?-- okay. So the whole thing was bullshit. People must realize this, right? After the video and sound died during the actual Cell Games, who the fuck knows what happened? We had no script, no time for extra takes. The only direction we got was to make Mr. Satan look good. The thing’s literally propaganda.-- God, we were so nervous when it premiered. All huddled in our recording studio watching the TV crews covering the Tournament. Daisuke was sure we were going to have a riot on our hands when it was done. Like, biting our nails, drumming our fingers, all, did they buy it? Did they buy it?-- they bought it.
(author’s notes: I had just started at Orange Star High when we were tasked, in Compositions, to write a poem about death. I wrote this. Obviously (given the circumstances) I couldn’t submit it, so I hastily scribbled something about a rotting apple the morning the assignment was due, and earned the poorest grade in my academic career.
I often get asked what it was like, being there. It’s hard to explain without explaining what and why Cell was the way he was, and that is a story for a different kind of anthology. But in a way, you and I, dear Reader, we were all there -- the only thing that made me any different than someone watching from home was who we thought would be the one to finally take down Cell.
I am thrilled, upon the anniversary reprint of my first anthology, to present to you the original, uncensored version of this poem. -- s.g.)
death is a place
death is the place where my father lives;
beyond the world he once loved, beyond
the mountains and woods in which he made
his home my father is once again wandering
that incalculably long road.I put him there. I stared up into the eyes
of Death, but Death felt like an old friend,
wore the skins of my family and the perfect
bearing of my father. he looked at me and said
another fighter you could have saved.
if only he had known what lived in me;
he must have known. he’d placed his faith
in it, placed his life in it:my too-small hands,
let me hold his hope
like a baby bird.
death is the place where my father is.
beyond the world he once loved, beyond
the mountains and woods in which he made
my home. he looked at me and said
look after your mother for me.