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Hoseok knows what it is like to fall over the edge and into the dreamy abyss everyone names 'love', and he knows that when they reach the rock bottom of this abyss, the dreamy quality of the sky fades and the night is not as beautiful anymore. He does love the adrenaline rush it comes with, the telltale blush creeping up his neck, the brushing of fingers together, but the dark and lonely nights where his own thoughts are too loud, yet too quiet for the world, is what keeps him from letting go of the guard around his thumping heart. He understands that his big step into adulthood would not make these nights go away any sooner, so he does all he can to keep himself from ending up there.
Yet, somehow, after all the precaution he takes to not remember how good it always feels to fall into the abyss at first, something slips up and he falls right back into the damned and blessed chasm where his own thoughts are not quite his own and he wants nothing more than to build up the guard around his heart once more.
Hoseok falls in love one spring morning. Falls in love with the one and only Min Yoongi and lets him break his goddamn heart.
____________________________________________ Hoseok thinks maybe none of this would have happened if Jackson hadn’t walked into Namjoon’s 18th birthday party and kissed Yoongi against the kitchen counter, much to everyone's surprise. Perhaps it seems too far-fetched to blame it on something that childish, that ancient, but he is perfectly content with blaming this entire charade he has been enduring for the past months on the night of Seokjin’s twenty-fourth birthday, the night Jackson dumped Yoongi and left their circle without so much as a backward glance at Yoongi's shattered heart across on the floor.The party had started even before the clock had hit eight. It had been limited to only the closest of friends, the seven of them and partners excluded. Five out of the six invitees were already popping the muselets on the bottles of champagne, courtesy from Jin’s father, and piling food on their plastic plates from the array of take-out boxes. Yoongi had texted in the group chat that he’d be running late and they need not wait for him, except for the cake, and no one had worried much. Yoongi always ran a little late, something to do with him getting lost in his work and remembering last minute about that week’s event, so everyone gathered on the couches with food and liquor, hoping that their tsundere friend wouldn’t run too late.Hoseok hadn’t given much thought to it either, until his tipsy eyes noticed the hands on the wall clock and realized that eleven was way too late for an invitee to come in for a party that was supposed to start at eight, even for Min Yoongi. He was about to point it out to those rolling and giggling on the floor when the doorbell rang and Seokjin beamed, scrambling to get the door.“Tell me honestly, did you even remember my birthday?” A whoosh of cold air breezed past the jacketed silhouette at the door, making Seokjin hurriedly clamp the doorway shut. The pale boy was draped in a tight hug instantly, and everyone, drunk and giggling, joined Seokjin and Yoongi around the door.“I did, hyung, I promise, but then work came up. Here,” he pushed a chic white bag in Seokjin’s hands and untangled himself from the group hug and the bulky knit muffler simultaneously. The crowd returned to the living room, with a woozy Jeongguk leading the troupe and Seokjin drunk-gushing about the Omega watch inside the velveteen box. Hoseok chugged a gulp from the beer in his hand and watched Yoongi slink past the group and inside the kitchen with careful eyes, his expression unreadable and lower lip trembling. Hoseok had seen a variety of Yoongi s from the time they had been acquainted, and instinct told him that this Yoongi needed another hug.He was leaning against the sink, his forehead resting against the wooden door of the overhead cupboard and fingers gripping the edges of the counter with a strange force, and Hoseok carefully tip-toed inside till he was standing right behind him.“Yoon? You okay?” His voice was soft, careful, a reassurance that Yoongi could turn around and soak his shirt with tears if he wished to.“Yeah, Seok. Why do you ask?” His voice was trying to stay normal, a little strained around the edges and his back was still to Hoseok as he moved away from the sink and opted to pull out a plate. “Sejin hyung wanted to talk about a dozen different ideas right before I had to leave and I couldn’t say no, right?” A wet chuckle. “Seok, where’s the alcohol?” Yoongi turned around with food piling his plate, a natural smile dancing on his lips and tipsy Hoseok believed the story and smiled back. He slinked his free arm around Yoongi’s slender shoulders, swirled the bottle in his other hand and pulled him into a side-hug while guiding themselves out of the kitchen.“Come on, the alcohol’s in the living room. Seokjin wanted to keep an eye on how much Jeongguk chugged down.” ____________________________________________
“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.”
- Haruki Murakami; 1Q84.
Hoseok falls in love with Yoongi on a cliché spring morning, when the sun is just peeking above the dome of the high-rise buildings and slanting across his bedroom floor in bright yellow rectangles, and the blossoms in the cherry branches right outside his window are in full bloom. He lets himself fall down the canyon of every firsts for Yoongi, knowing full well that he will turn to liquor in future nights and allow his thoughts to get too loud. He lets his eyes linger far often on Yoongi’s lips and lets his unhitched mind wonder if the other will kiss him back just as earnestly as Hoseok would like to. He falls deeper for the boy with stars behind his eyelids and he knows, knows all too well that Yoongi would turn away and there wouldn’t be any more of anything between them.
But running away from all of this, as Hoseok would have done in a heartbeat to save his own conscience, isn’t possible. He simply continues onward from that fateful spring day morning and lets the cage around his fragile heart crumble away with every one of Yoongi’s heartbeats.
____________________________________________ It was almost two when the little ensemble slowly, yet raucously, dispersed from Seokjin’s front door, much to the neighbor’s chagrin. Everyone hugged and made honest promises to meet up the next day for a late brunch, knowing full well that greasy food would be much appreciated what with their alcohol consumption. They hadn’t been able to get together for a long while, given everyone had their hustling schedules, and this just made them all cling tighter to each other. Hoseok, being the second least drunk, with Yoongi topping the list due to his late arrival, piled the other four in his car, and dropped them off at their respective residences, with Jimin and Taehyung simultaneously smothering him with hugs and kisses at their doorstep and Namjoon gratefully groaning his thanks. He knew Yoongi would drive back to his place safely, given how much practice he had with having to stay sober and drive an inebriated Jackson home. He locked his front door and got out of his party clothes, brushed his teeth while humming off-key to Camila’s Havana and soon enough, crawled under the soft warmth of his bedding. Just as his eyes were about to come together with the champagne still buzzing sweetly in his veins, there was the unmistakable sound of a knock, followed by the shrilling doorbell. Perplexed, Hoseok stumbled out of his bed and gripped a steel water bottle from the kitchen cabinet, because you never know, as he cautiously approached the main door.It felt strange watching Yoongi wipe his eyes on his coat sleeve, an ache slowly descending upon Hoseok’s heart as he watched tears stream down his best friend’s rosy cheeks. It wasn’t a sight he had witnessed in a long, long time. Hoseok stood dumbfounded for a moment longer than he would, and the next thing he knew, Yoongi’s arms were wrapped around his torso and his body wracked with muffled sobs. He closed the door behind him and silently led them towards the couch, where he let Yoongi settle down on his lap and pulled the tissue box closer. He didn’t utter a word; he knew better than to because Yoongi needed to let it all out if he happened to be so pained as to let Hoseok in through his walls. He soothingly ran his open palm up and down Yoongi’s back, letting him soak his shirt-front with tears and wondered with anger blazing red, who would have done what wrong to make Yoongi cry.It’s not like they had never seen each other cry, of course, they had - they were there for each other while the nightmare titled ‘high school’ played - but Yoongi, over the course of the years, had become too good at hiding his emotions for Hoseok to notice anything amiss apart from the fact that Jackson had continued on the road to being an eternal asshole. Everyone, Jackson’s mother included, had warned Yoongi of the probable future where Jackson would break him. But Yoongi had listened to all of them with smiles etched on his face and continued to endure his boyfriend’s antics, simply because he loved Jackson more than he ever loved anyone and did not want to end up like his father with no one to love.Yoongi’s sobs dwindled down to involuntary hiccups and he slowly slid off his best friend’s lap, pulling at the tissue box and wiping his snot. Hoseok hurried towards the kitchenette for a glass of water and grabbed a bottle of water for good measure as he returned to the couch. “Do you wanna talk,” he asked when the other set the glass on the coffee table and leaned his head against the headrest, “or do you want me to make pancakes in the morning?”It had been a code back when they were still in college and Yoongi would come over the nights he was feeling particularly beat and wouldn’t utter a word about whatever happened until morning rolled in and Hoseok would set to make pancakes for them. Yoongi would then climb up on the work counter beside the stove and swing his legs back and forth while explaining what really happened the day before. Sometimes it would have been rejected letters from one of the companies. Other times it would be Jackson or even the professors. But Hoseok knew that the smell of his pancakes bubbling on the non-stick pan would make Yoongi gurgle out whatever troubled his insides. So he asked, just like the old times, and Yoongi nodded, a reluctant smile slowly making its way to the gloomy surface.“Pancakes would be nice.” Hoseok almost didn’t hear him say it, his voice soft and quiet. He got up from the couch and was just about to pull out the bedding from beneath it when Yoongi caught his wrists and looked down at him with red-rimmed eyes, his lower lip trapped between his teeth in a desperate attempt to keep his tears at bay. “Can I . . . Is it okay if I sleep with you tonight?”Months later, Hoseok would wonder if this was one of his very firsts where he had let himself slowly move towards the chasm he so wanted to stay away from, as he ran his fingers through Yoongi’s soft locks and whispered promises through unsaid words. Yoongi had wept on his shoulders again that night and had let Hoseok soothe him to sleep just like he used to back when times were simpler and there hadn’t been a Jackson tainting their lives.And perhaps this was the moment he had let himself slip past the edge and fall in love with his best friend, his childhood crush - Min Yoongi.