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The sun sank beneath the horizon, making the endless sky embracing it turn a light shade of red or crimson, mixing up with the blues still lingering in them. It was an indication---that the baseball pitcher should leave the mound.But the tall sportsman didn’t stop throwing the fastballs, the catcher now tired, requesting the pitcher to call it day.“Hyung, as this rate you’ll get selected by Nexen. Can’t we call it a day now? Everyone left already. It’s just the two of us left,” the junior pleaded again, barely able to catch the ball this time, his eyes never leaving the pitcher’s, “and besides, I’m really tired now, I won’t be able to practice in the morning if we keep going.”“Ten more catches and then you’re free to go. I give you my words, Jongin.”
The Pitcher took the mound again, flexing his well-built arms, something that was the result of his absolute hard work of years. The catcher had no choice but to follow. He knew the elder’s passion for the game. Baseball was Chanyeol’s first love.The two young men collected the sports equipment and headed to the sports room. Taking a quick shower there, they both walked down the road of campus to reach the nearest bus stop.The younger of the two was the first one to catch the silhouette of a small figure standing on the bus stop from a distance, on a closer inspection, he said, “hyung, isn’t that Byun Baekhyun?”Chanyeol just hummed in response. He adjusted his cap and grabbed the straps of his backpack tighter and made a run. Jongin was barely able to catch up, he was already so tired from all the practice they did today, he wondered how his friend still had the strength to run. Perhaps it was the power of love? The desire to see your beloved one? He couldn’t relate though, he was single almost all his life. On the other hand, his friend had been dating for more than two years. Though Jongin came to know about the existence of his boyfriend just 6 months ago.Chanyeol was in his third year, whereas Jongin was still in sophomore year. Needless to say, Baseball was the reason for their friendship. Even though the current generation was accepting it now, same-sex couple was still not a fancied thing in Korea, so Jongin understood why Chanyeol told him about his love life so late. But he was glad that Chanyeol at least told him, it meant he trusted him enough.The only problem was Jongin didn’t know how the two of them were dating. From a distance, no one could tell that. They didn’t even look like best friends. It was hard to catch the two of them together on campus. The only time he saw Chanyeol’s boyfriend was when they were going home and even then, it was hard to tell if the two males were even friends. They used to exchange a word or two, so Jongin had thought that both of them were classmates, nothing more. So it came as a big shock to him when Chanyeol told him that. Knowing his friend was bi was still digestible, but knowing that it was Byun Baekhyun of all the people was definitely not what Jongin had in mind. Chanyeol had told him a couple of times, that his boyfriend doesn’t even speak much, let alone be romantic for others to know of their relationship.He knew Baekhyun, not personally though. He had heard about the senior, he was pretty much known on campus for his art skills. But that was all, nothing more.Jongin witnessed the couple exchanging small smiles, and then Baekhyun’s eyes contacting his in acknowledgment. Jongin bowed a little to show some respect but didn’t say anything. He bid goodbye to both the elder males as his bus arrived, leaving the two alone. However they both were standing still at some distance, they were speaking something but it was inaudible for Jongin to be able to hear.Their bus was still nowhere in sight. If they walked, it would take them at least 40 minutes or so. Baekhyun decided to take a seat, Chanyeol followed after him. Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun from the sideways, Baekhyun was looking up in the sky, which was now no longer red, it had now taken a dark cover, and few stars were already out. The crescent moon was only adding to the beauty of this starry night.
Baekhyun’s mouth was slightly ajar, Chanyeol could tell that he was amazed. The night was beautiful indeed. Their only source of light was the lamp post standing just at the corner of the bus stop. Baekhyun’s face was bathed in the golden light, his dark brown eyes were glowing in the reflection. The sound of mosquitoes was quite audible on this hot summer day, although it was no longer hot, it was the only thing accompanying them in this solitude, breaking the silence. And at that moment, Chanyeol wondered for the infinite time, how Baekhyun could be so, so beautiful and real.Only when Baekhyun turned his neck to look at him, Chanyeol realized he was staring.“What is it?”
“Ah.. yes. There is a little bit of paint on your chin,” answered Chanyeol. Obviously lying, but Baekhyun didn’t seem to get his little lie and started to rub his chin with a thumb.
“Here.. let me do it,” Chanyeol provided, and Baekhyun dropped his hand, letting the boy do it for him, “it’s all clean now.” Said Chanyeol with a small smile, Baekhyun just nodded his head in consideration before turning his gaze back to the sky. Chanyeol could not help but smile wider now.
Only if Baekhyun had looked deeper into Chanyeol’s eyes, he would have known that Chanyeol was making excuses, only if he had looked closer, then he could have seen what Chanyeol was seeing. He could have seen how beautiful he himself looked at that moment in Chanyeol’s eyes.The sound of wheels rolling against the cemented road caught the attention of both of them. Chanyeol wasted no time in grabbing Baekhyun’s wrist and run for it. Thankfully it was not crowded at all and they both were able to get a seat. He let Baekhyun sit near the window as he knew the elder still wanted to look at the stars. Baekhyun wordlessly did as he predicted.“You love them that much, huh?” Asked Chanyeol, he was holding the handle in front of him as the bus increased its speed, the road was a little jerky. Baekhyun nodded without looking in his direction. Needless to say, Chanyeol failed to grab his attention once again. But he wasn’t in a mood to give up. He searched for his earphones in his backpack and connected it to his phone.“Hyun, there is a new song by your favorite artist, wanna listen to it?” Chanyeol raised a palm, offering his earphones, his phone was in the other one. He had always considered the idea of listening to music from same pair of earphones romantic, especially in a bus. But he never really had anyone to try it with.
“Uh-huh.”
Baekhyun grabbed the earphones and plucked them in both of his ears, looking at Chanyeol to play the song. He had not listened to it yet. He didn’t even know about the release, let alone listening to it.
Chanyeol looked at him dumbfounded, it was indeed not at all easy to romance Baekhyun up. But Chanyeol didn’t mind, he loved Baekhyun nonetheless. The song made Baekhyun drowsy and he was fast asleep within a few minutes. His head carefully resting on Chanyeol’s shoulder.Chanyeol debated for a few minutes whether he should slide an arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder, to hold him upright, of course, no other intentions. There weren’t many eyes around. The bus was not crowded and it served his purpose well. It would be romantic, if you ask Chanyeol, he really loved the idea---but the only problem was that they already reached their destination and like some sort of alarm, the moment bus stopped, Baekhyun was up too. He made his way out of the bus and Chanyeol followed after him, feeling a bit disappointed for missing his chance.They both lived in the same building, as the dorms provided by the university were a bit expensive and had so many rules & restrictions, something they both failed to follow up. It was Baekhyun’s idea to rent out the place. It had many rooms for students at affordable rates. Chanyeol’s apartment was right next to Baekhyun’s, they shared balconies, divided by a small wall though, but it was nice to sit there at night. As for Baekhyun, he loved star gazing, and Chanyeol loved playing guitar at that period of time.
They never considered living together, Baekhyun never asked and Chanyeol guessed from the state of Baekhyun’s apartment that he needed privacy. Also, he had no fixed time to sleep or wake up, he was always too engrossed in painting. That’s why Chanyeol never asked. Moreover, he was fine with their current situation. It would happen when the time comes anyway. He was fine with it, or so he made himself believe.On days like this, when they both were tired, they used to part ways in front of Baekhyun’s door. On normal days, Chanyeol cooked and Baekhyun used to come over for dinner and stay for video games and movies, or for something more.
Chanyeol hugged him once for a few seconds before seeing him lock his door. He entered his own apartment. It took him about an hour to bathe again and have his dinner, which was just ramen. He was washing dishes when he heard his doorbell, he knew it would be no one but Baekhyun, it could not be the landlord as she was a mean lady, she always preferred screaming on his door instead of ringing the doorbell like a civilian. He dried his hand quickly and rushed to open to door.
A small smile appeared on his face when he found out it was indeed Baekhyun on the door.
“Hey, handsome. What do you need at this hour?”
Baekhyun seemed lost for a moment before finally answering, “yeah, I am out of noodles. Can you borrow me a packet of Shin Ramen?” He was fidgeting with his night suit while Chanyeol went inside to bring him what he wanted. He left as soon as Chanyeol handed over the packed noodles, without bothering to say thank you. Chanyeol didn’t stop him either. He must be too hungry, Chanyeol thought.After ten minutes or so, Chanyeol heard his doorbell ringing again, he was preparing to sleep by then as he had early morning practice to do. It couldn’t be Baekhyun this time, he thought. Except that it was him only.This time, without even having Chanyeol ask, Baekhyun demanded, “can you give me some side dishes to eat along with ramen? I have none left. Not even kimchi.” There was a small pout adorning his face that Chanyeol found marveling. Poor baby, oh how he wished to kiss that pout away.Chanyeol didn’t reply, instead, he pulled Baekhyun in and made him sit on the couch in the living room.
“Sit here. I will cook something for you. Better than ramen, okay?” Baekhyun nodded in agreement, he licked his lower lip out of habit while doing so.Within fifteen minutes, Chanyeol was back with kimchi rice. He placed the small adjustable wooden table on the ground and put the plate and a glass of water on it. Baekhyun always needed water while eating, as for chanyeol, he preferred to drink some once he was done with the food.Baekhyun started eating as soon the food was placed on the table, making Chanyeol wonder if he even ate the whole day or not. The loud growling sound was the proof that he didn't but Chanyeol was not surprised.That's how Byun Baekhyun was, too engrossed and extremely dedicated. Once he started working on a new theme, he never used to take a break to even eat or sleep. There were days when Baekhyun locked himself in his apartment for what seemed like an eternity to Chanyeol. But it was also something that Chanyeol really admired about him."More water, please," said Baekhyun and it didn't take Chanyeol even a minute to come back with a bottle of normal water. One more thing about Baekhyun, he was never able to drink chilled water or take cold showers at night. It always resulted in him getting sick. So chanyeol was extra careful to always have bottles saved for Baekhyun."How was your day, Hyun?" Chanyeol asked with a fond smile. He was sitting across the table. Watching Baekhyun eat was also on the list of his favorite activities."It was normal. I was given a new assignment. Kyungsoo didn't come today so I forgot to eat," said Baekhyun. Eyes still down on food."How many times did I tell you, don't skip your meals. You always forget to eat while working if someone is not around to fetch you. Call me next time, okay?" he said hopefully."Our schedules don't match in university. That's why I didn't.""Oh... right."Chanyeol knew it, he knew Baekhyun would say something like this only and yet he couldn't help but hope for something more."And say, are you free this Sunday? I think we should go out on a date.. it has been so long. What do you say, Hyun?" Chanyeol asked, his eyes fixed at Baekhyun, who in turn looked at him this time. Even though he was wearing a calm expression on the front, he was pressing his nails in his palms under the table, waiting anxiously for an answer, Baekhyun had been always so unpredictable."Not this Sunday. I have a huge project to submit by Friday of the next week. And I need Sunday to work on it. I don't even have an idea what to do yet."
It was always so easy for Baekhyun to say whatever he wanted without any slightest bit of hesitation. It was supposed to be a good thing, chanyeol really liked this fact about him but this time it really hurt him.
"Oh, I see. Okay then. Do your best. It must be really big for you to be out of ideas but I'm sure you'll get one soon," said Chanyeol still smiling, trying to reassure his boyfriend."It actually is, really, really big," said Baekhyun.Chanyeol rubbed Baekhyun’s hair at this. It was his own way of cheering Baekhyun up, telling him that he was doing a good job. And it indeed lifted Baekhyun's spirit as he smiled at Chanyeol, finally finishing his meal.  "Chanyeol hyung, do you want to go out for lunch? I'm sick of this canteen. They literally serve us shit. Do they even taste what they cook?" Said Jongin, feeling a bit annoyed, they were practicing since four hours straight. They both had no classes as it was Saturday so they were able to practice more. On usual days they used to practice from 5:00 am to 8:00 am before classes. Only weekends were a great opportunity for them. They had taken permission from the principle to practice on the grounds even on Sundays, courtesy to chanyeol. "We will waste an hour by doing so. We eat to live, not live to eat, Jongin. Don't forget that."Jongin had expected something like this only from Chanyeol. In a year and half of practicing together, Chanyeol never once wasted time in having lunch out in some cafe like other kids. He was always so serious about practice. Jongin never asked what drove him to be this crazy about this game though. He didn't bother."Seriously how did you even manage to be in a relationship? You're so boring. You don't know how to have fun at all," said Jongin out of utter annoyance. Only after having a glare from Chanyeol made him realize what he did. He expected to get a scolding but he got none."Maybe you're right. I don't know either. It just happened. I have always been like this and besides, baseball is fun, for me at least."
Chanyeol was still throwing fastballs at the aimed wooden board. Not really minding what Jongin said."Say, wanna hang out with me in Hongdae this Sunday? We can have barbecue and a couple of drinks! C'mon, it will be fun. I promise," said Jongin. He didn't get his hopes high as Chanyeol was going to reject his offer but it came as a surprise when he heard the unexpected answer."Okay. But only if you promise to practice two hours more tomorrow. We can leave after practicing in the evening. Deal?""I knew there was some kind of sorcery when you agreed. I saw this coming honestly. But fine with me." The next day passed faster than Chanyeol had thought as now he was sitting on an elevated stool in a bar. Chanyeol was a heavy drinker, he never got drunk so easily. On the other, it took Jongin only two shots to lose himself. He didn't know time went so fast in practice. He didn't even see Baekhyun. His boyfriend had locked himself inside those four walls.From where he was sitting, he was able to see Jongin making out with a random girl in the corner. For a moment Chanyeol wondered how it would have been if he were still single. Would he also have behaved like Jongin? Or what people called enjoying youth?
He didn't have answers to all these questions. He didn't know how he would have reacted or whether he would have liked it or not. But then again it didn't matter. He had Baekhyun. Right, Baekhyun. But did Baekhyun even care about anything besides his passion for art? Did Baekhyun ever had thoughts running wild for Chanyeol like he had time to time? Did Baekhyun also think about the future of their relationship, where it would go six months from now as their college life was going to be over by then? Chanyeol had so many questions in his mind, but he had an answer to none. And he was afraid. Really, really afraid to ask Baekhyun for answers. Afraid that what if Baekhyun didn't think like him? What if Baekhyun had no plans of having a future together?Chanyeol didn't even want to think about it anymore. Just thinking about it all was hurting him physically. His chest felt heavy like he was sinking in the floor, like an intangible force was sucking him in a very, very deep pit of despair.He asked the bartender for one more shot. It was already 1:00 am when he checked the time. He unlocked his phone to see if there was any call from Baekhyun, but there was none, not even any message. He had expected it but yet he had a flame of hope that Baekhyun successfully managed to extinguished. Chanyeol needed a cocoon to hide, some source of warmth. And that's why he didn't realize how he ended up with a lapful of a woman and a pair of lips against his. It was somehow warm but not warm enough like Baekhyun's embrace and his hugs and his kisses. Nothing could be like them, Chanyeol just knew.
Chanyeol just needed to hug, and loved and feel protected by him. And so he stopped the lady from going any further, he gently removed her hands that were desperately attempting to take his shirt off."I'm sorry but I need to leave," said Chanyeol. He didn't even give a chance to the girl to speak. He didn't call out Jongin to come with him. He just left the bar abruptly.He didn't come here for this. He didn't come here to cheat on Baekhyun but he did it. He didn't know how to get over the guilt, how to confess to Baekhyun. Should he even tell him that? Nobody saw him kissing her, he could easily pretend like it never happened but then again, if he did that then the guilt would chew him into small pieces and devour him alive.How stupid he was to even let that happen. He didn't even remember whether she initiated the kiss or he did, he didn't know how would Baekhyun react after knowing it. Would he call him a cheater, punch him or worse break up? He had no idea. And that's why he found himself sitting outside Baekhyun's apartment's door on the cold floor at 2:00 am. All he wanted was a warm embrace to sleep in tonight but he felt like he didn't deserve it anymore. Tomorrow he would tell Baekhyun everything, he decided.His tears didn't stop that night.   Jongin got the biggest shock of his life when Chanyeol didn't show up for practice the next day. He was sure that he was going to get scolded for not showing up for the morning practice, he couldn't help it, he woke up really late but not seeing chanyeol at evening practice session was definitely the biggest shock in his college life. Did something happen? He wondered. Not like he had a way of knowing.The second most astonishing thing that happened that day was when he saw Baekhyun waiting at his usual spot. The sun was down but the stars weren't out yet. There were a few more students at the bus stop. Jongin quickly ran up to Baekhyun and greeted him. He noticed Baekhyun's shocked expression upon seeing him but decided not to comment on it."Is Chanyeol not with you today? Is he going to practice more?" Asked Baekhyun, wearing his normally expressionless face. And Jongin would have laughed if he weren't so intimidated by the elder."Hyung didn't even show up for practice today. Don't you know that?" He scoffed, gripping the straps of his bag tighter.Jongin noticed Baekhyun's eyes going wide for a moment, a hint of amusement in them before turning back to their normal state."Say, hyung, do you really love Chanyeol? Or even like him?" Jongin felt a bit courageous today, he might maintain his boundaries while deciding what to say or not in front of Chanyeol, but Baekhyun's lack of knowledge about Chanyeol really made him mad."What kind of a question is that?" Baekhyun snorted before looking away. His bus had arrived. He didn't even look back at Jongin as he made a run to catch his bus but he heard what Jongin had to say nevertheless."You both should break up if it's not working. Seeing you both talk looks like he's talking to a wall. It makes me feel like banging my head against a wall. You don't even know what's he's going through these days."  There was no response when Baekhyun pressed the doorbell a few times. He even called out Chanyeol’s name but there was no answer. He had no choice but to use the spare key Chanyeol had given him in case of emergency. Chanyeol’s apartment felt too gloomy to Baekhyun. It wasn’t clean as it normally was. There were clothes thrown carelessly on the floor. When he entered Chanyeol’s bedroom, he found him buried inside blankets. He placed the takeouts he brought for Chanyeol on the small table beside the bed and took a seat next to Chanyeol’s legs. He gently placed a hand on his legs and gave them a little squeeze. “Chanyeol, are you awake?” his voice so low, almost like a whisper.Baekhyun didn’t get an answer but he did notice the shifting and tossing Chanyeol did on the bed, his face now out.
Chanyeol’s face was a bit puffy, hair disheveled. Baekhyun wondered if he even got up from bed the whole day.
“Jongin said you didn’t come for practice,” Said Baekhyun, he shifted forward so that he could have a clear look of Chanyeol’s face. He brought a hand up to caress Chanyeol’s cheek and that’s when he noticed---“were you drunk last night? You smell like alcohol.”“Jongin took me to Hongdae for dinner and a few shots. He said I have no life besides baseball. I agreed,” said Chanyeol, his voice hoarse and heavier than usual. He leaned into Baekhyun’s touch like a kitten, pressing his cheek into that soft palm, his eyes closed.“But you never missed a practice before. Is something the matter?” Baekhyun asked once more, feeling not convinced enough from Chanyeol’s answer. It made Chanyeol feel cold as a chill ran down his spine. Like a lightning stuck on him he quickly moved away from Baekhyun’s touch, his eyes wide open now.Last night. How could he even forget by getting one look and a touch from Baekhyun? How could he forget how wrong he did to Baekhyun, to their relationship? He still had a chance, an option to hide. It would just take one lie and it was going to be alright. Baekhyun would not find it out, they could continue to live happily.
Happily? Were they really happy in the first place? If they were then why did it happen? Chanyeol didn’t know anymore. He didn’t even realize when he cupped his face and started sobbing out loudly. He wasn’t able to hear his own voice or Baekhyun’s, all he was able to hear was the loud thumping of his own heart, the vibration in his chest that was causing an intense pain throughout his body. He could not feel his limbs even.“Chanyeol…Chanyeol... Chanyeol!!”
He heard Baekhyun’s panicked voice but he had no courage to see his expression, to meet his eyes.
“Chanyeol, please calm down. Tell me what happened.” There was an urgency in Baekhyun’s voice, Chanyeol was able to feel it.Chanyeol’s trembling fingers finally made a move to rest on his head, he pulled at his own hair tighter in devastation. He bit his lip hard to suppress his cries.
It was really unfair of him, he thought. It was him who hurt Baekhyun yet Baekhyun was the one trying to comfort him desperately.Chanyeol didn’t realize what happened in the next few moments, everything was blurred. He could no longer see Baekhyun, he could no longer hear Baekhyun. Did Baekhyun leave him? Did he find out the truth from Jongin? The next thing he knew that he wasn’t even able to hear his own voice, his own thoughts, the heavy feeling in his chest started to fade away. It all went blank.When Chanyeol got his consciousness next time, he found himself wrapped in Baekhyun’s tight embrace. His room fully dark, moonlight spread in the bedroom. He was able to hear Baekhyun’s heartbeat, Baekhyun was cradling his face safely against his chest, a hand was securely wrapped around his shoulder and he felt another gentle hand caressing his hair, their legs entangled.It felt like heaven and hell both at the same time to Chanyeol. Baekhyun’s warm embrace was comforting him, making him feel safe and loved. But Baekhyun’s arms also felt like a thick rope around his neck trying to strangle him for the sin he committed. Baekhyun’s touch was something he needed the most right now, his touch was something he should get away from as far as possible. It was warm, but it was also burning holes in his skin.Baekhyun’s embrace tonight was like hugging a rose. Baekhyun was a white rose. The gentle embrace, sweet smell yet the thrones were there, piercing through his skin, making him bleed.And so, Chanyeol pushed away Baekhyun a little, scared to be closer to him. The moonlight was enough for Chanyeol to see Baekhyun’s worried and shocked eyes.“Baekhyun, I did a really terrible thing to you. I don’t know how to apologize… in fact, I don’t even deserve your forgiveness,” said Chanyeol. Finally summing up some courage.“What are you saying, Chanyeol? I’m not able to get you,” said Baekhyun. His hand was back to caressing Chanyeol’s hair. He noticed the sweat beads on Chanyeol’s forehead, he gently pushed back his bangs, encouraging him to speak, his eyes softened.“I sort of cheated on you last night.. I don’t know how I ended up doing such a thing…I really love you and only you, Baekhyun. Please, believe me. Don’t leave me,” said Chanyeol, clearly pleading but the hand that was previously caressing his hair withdrew, the eyes that looked at him softly were now closed."I still don't get you. What you did exactly?" Baekhyun pressed once again. There was no hint of anger or sadness in his voice. Chanyeol didn't understand how Baekhyun could manage to keep his composure in such a situation. He couldn’t comprehend what Baekhyun was thinking. "There was a girl in the bar... we kissed.. and I don't remember who initiated it."
Chanyeol's own voice was choking him. Baekhyun still didn't open his eyes.
"Were you drunk when you kissed her? Was it consensual?"
"I wasn't drunk enough. I don't know how it even started, Baekhyun. Please believe me"
"How can you not know when you were not drunk, Chanyeol? You're not being honest."
"I said I'm sorry, Baekhyun. I really have no idea. She came and sat on my lap and the next thing I know her was that we were kissing. But it didn't go any further than that. Believe me, please."Chanyeol's eyes were desperately searching for an answer. But Baekhyun was still not giving him one."Baekhyun I---""Okay. It's alright. I believe you. I’m okay"“How can you be alright knowing this when even I’m not? It’s you who is not being honest Baekhyun!”
“Then what else am I supposed to do Chanyeol? Hit you? Call you names? Curse you? Or worse, end our relationship?”“No, not that. But you all the rights. But please say whatever you want to. I know it is not okay.”“It really is. You did a mistake, I forgive you for that. End of discussion. Let’s not talk about it anymore.” A minute passed. Then another one. Everything went silent. Baekhyun said he had forgiven him then why he was still feeling like getting strangled by thick ropes around his neck? Why he was still feeling like falling down, down, down. Nobody talked after that. Every second felt like an eternity. Ba dum. Ba dum. Only his own heartbeat was making him feel alive. The fire inside him had already burned him inside out. And there was no way to recover it. He had to make amendments.Neither of them slept that night. Chanyeol felt Baekhyun shifting on the small bed and then taking his leave, without saying anything in the middle of the night but Chanyeol didn’t have the courage to ask him to stay.  Chanyeol sat on the bleachers as he noticed his teammates playing baseball. He still had no will to practice. He had played the sport almost all his life. Baseball was his first real friend. And through it he got many more. He noticed Jongin looking at him during practice a couple of times but he had no will to pass on a smile or wave a hand at him today.
When everyone left, it was only him and Jongin in the ground. The sun sank, and the lights were on. Jongin took a break and approached Chanyeol, taking a seat next to him.“What’s with you? It has been two days since you didn’t practice. You know Nexen is coming for selection within two days, you’ll be out of form on the selection day if you didn’t practice,” said Jongin, his eyes showing a worried look, his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder.“I did something terrible. I cheated on Baekhyun. That night, I kissed a girl in the bar. The guilt is eating me. I’m not able to bring myself to practice,” said Chanyeol, this time he was looking up in the sky. No stars were visible, only black, dull clouds. He wondered if it would rain tonight."What, really?! Then confess it to him and get over it!"
Jongin’s eyes grew wide, he didn’t expect this. Even though Chanyeol had never been expressive enough about his love life, he knew that his friend indeed loved his boyfriend. However, he felt a sudden pang of guilt for what he told Baekhyun the previous day. It wasn’t just Chanyeol who owed Baekhyun an apology now."I already did. And he forgave me. But I can't get over it." Hearing this made Jongin even more shocked. How can someone not be affected by that? Was that even possible?"Did he seriously forgive you? Without any fight or emotional breakdown?" He interrogated even further."Yes, he did. Or so he said.""It doesn't sound right to me,” Jongin shook his head in disbelief, “he's either hiding his feelings or he doesn't love you anymore."They didn’t talk anymore after that. Jongin took his leave soon after the conversation was over. Chanyeol was left with a fastball in his hand. He clutched and unclutched it again and again. He didn’t like the way those grey, cotton-like clouds were hiding the night sky’s glory, all the stars and the moon itself within it. However, he could relate, he felt like a small star being trapped in one of those grey clouds too, fighting hard to reach the moon. The moon that was Baekhyun in his life.The bus ride back home was jerky. He didn’t manage to get a seat either. The sound of people chatting, the noise of those horns and speedy vehicles, the fearful voice of the thunderstorm in the sky, everything was too loud but he wasn’t able to hear any as for he was lost in his own world. He wondered how Baekhyun was feeling at the moment. A night with no stars, he must be sad. Chanyeol knocked at Baekhyun’s door before leaving for university the next morning. This would be the first time for them to be talking after that night. Neither Baekhyun nor he contacted each other. Baekhyun didn’t even go college this whole week, he was just busy in his work.
Chanyeol was greeted by a weary Baekhyun on the door, his hair messy. There were paint stains here and there on his clothes and the smell of turpentine oil was strong. This was enough to know that Baekhyun had been working all this time.
"Baekhyun do you want to have breakfast together? You seem like you were working on it the whole night," said Chanyeol. He entered the living room, all he could see was paint colors, brushes, crumpled sheets and a big canvas with a half-done painting that he could not make out."I already ate ramen," said Baekhyun. His eyes hinting to a bowl with some leftover soup. He took his seat down on the floor in front of his big canvas and picked up a brush again to continue his work. In all the mess on the floor, Chanyeol didn’t miss the certain set of paint brushes. Those brushes had been worn out by now, the handles were colorless now, the wood had many scratches. The bristles were splattered in all direction, clearly not suitable for use anymore. But Baekhyun still had them. Something made Chanyeol’s inside churn at this fact. He couldn’t even stop himself from saying anymore. "You're still having those..." Chanyeol asked. He saw nothing but the green monster, eating him up in jealousy and pain."Yeah. I can't just throw them away,” said Baekhyun almost effortlessly. Of course, it was Baekhyun after all. He had always been this direct in saying whatever he wanted. He knew it was his time to take the leave. Or he might end up having a whole new argument with Baekhyun, something he wasn’t ready for.“Don’t you have to go for practice? Tomorrow is your selection day, right?”
“Yeah.. I’m just going.. sleep for some hours, please. You look so tired,” said Chanyeol while wearing his shoes. He didn’t look back as he exited the place. His heart today was heavier than ever before. The sun stood up proud in the sky, radiating its blazing heat over everyone in the field. All the players were bathed in the heat, sweat beads were plastered all over their bodies like a second layer. But there was a special determination in their hearts today. They just had a day left before their D day, it was going to decide who would get to continue their life as a baseball player. All the popular top ten clubs were going to select the best ones. Everyone just wanted to give their best.The coach handed over the fastball to Chanyeol this time, it was finally his turn to take the mound. He stood on the mound with a strong determination, the catcher was looking in the direction, steady in his position. The sun shone brightly on them as Chanyeol finally threw the ball with his best attempt, everyone in the field was anticipating as Chanyeol was one of the two best pitchers they had.
But something went utterly wrong.Maybe because Chanyeol didn’t flex his arm properly. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe some sort of sorcery because, for the first time in two years, Chanyeol threw an inaccurate ball on the field. For the first time, the catcher wasn’t able to grasp it in his rubber glove directly.
Everyone was shocked but nobody said a thing, a teammate passed a fresh ball to Chanyeol. Maybe because he didn’t practice it in three days that’s why he threw such a bad shot, so Chanyeol tried again. This time more determined. He knew everyone had hopes in him, the trust they all had put. But it happened again, and then again. Chanyeol threw a dozen times but none of them were accurate. He gritted his teeth and wiped the sweat on his forehead with the crook of his arm. He threw the ball in his best form but it happened again. Frustration was filled in his lungs. His cap now lying on the floor, he ran his fingers through his hair to rant out the anger of his constant failure. He was going to try one more time when his coach approached him. "Chanyeol, you're seriously out of form today! Is this how you are going to audition tomorrow? You can’t even throw your fastballs accurately and get a single strike today!"
The Coach was right. Chanyeol was totally out of form today. The coach might have shouted angrily at him but Chanyeol knew that he was just worried about him. After all, he had taught Chanyeol for two years. He was really attached to the young player. "I'm sorry.. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it is cause I didn't practice for three days. I promise to practice as much as possible tonight,” said Chanyeol. His eyes down, looking earnestly to the ball in his grasp. He was not going to go down today, he was waiting for this day all his life. He was not going to lose tomorrow."You better."That evening, Chanyeol didn’t go back. He stayed there practicing like a madman. Jongin stayed with him until it was 8:00 pm before he took his leave. The sky was again unpleasant today, the clouds dark. The sky was screaming, it was going to rain, Chanyeol knew the wind blew faster now but Chanyeol didn’t stop. He kept throwing the balls at the target but none were accurate. The sky finally cried, and so did Chanyeol, along with it, with the same intensity. But the only difference was that everyone could see and feel the pain of the sky but nobody would know of the tears Chanyeol wept on the baseball ground that night. Chanyeol reached home almost around midnight. It was still raining. Undoubtedly he was drenched in water but his body wasn’t reacting to the cold as it was nothing in front of his frozen heart.
He looked at Baekhyun’s door for a second, wondering whether he should knock or not, but the events of the past few days made him think against it. They both were doing wrong to each other, Chanyeol knew, but he was in no sane mind to talk to Baekhyun. He had no rights to seek comfort in Baekhyun’s arms after what he did.
With a heavy heart, he made his way to his own apartment and unlocked the door. But unlike the darkness that he had thought would welcome him tonight, there was light, and Baekhyun. Never mind, both meant the same to him. For Chanyeol Baekhyun meant light.
Baekhyun was sitting on his sofa, biting his nails anxiously, his eyes immediately fall on Chanyeol once he entered the room. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it and ran inside the house. Chanyeol didn’t understand why but in the next moment, Baekhyun came back with two fluffy towels. He draped one over Chanyeol’s head and with another one he padded wet face of Chanyeol.
“Why didn’t you come sooner? Didn’t you see how bad the weather was? It’s bad for your health. It’s a very important day tomorrow for you,” said Baekhyun. He burrowed his eyebrows while doing so, when he noticed no movement from Chanyeol, he dropped that towel on his shoulder and stood on his tippy toes to dry Chanyeol’s head. “Just go and shower. I warmed the water for you. You’ll catch a cold at this rate.”
Baekhyun slightly pushed Chanyeol forward until he started moving. Chanyeol followed wordlessly, he had nothing to say. He didn’t know what to tell Baekhyun. He didn’t know what would happen the next day. If He didn’t know what was wrong with him then how would others know?When he came back from the shower, he found Baekhyun still sitting on the sofa. Baekhyun looked lost in deep thinking. Chanyeol didn’t know what Baekhyun had in mind. He never did. He quietly took a seat next to Baekhyun.“Chanyeol, let’s have dinner together. I ordered fried chicken. Also, I have something to tell you,” said Baekhyun. Chanyeol just nodded.
“I also have something to discuss with you, Hyun,” Chanyeol said the first thing that evening.
Baekhyun arranged everything and within ten minutes they were sitting across each other on the ground with food on the small table. None of them were really eating.
“So what is it?” asked Baekhyun.
Chanyeol shook his head, “it is not really that important. You go first.”
“Chanyeol, the assignment I told you about, the really important one,” Baekhyun stopped eating and put his fork away, looking directly in Chanyeol’s eyes, “if tomorrow I get selected then after six months, I will get to go Japan for the internship.”
“Oh…that’s really great for your career. I’m happy for you,” said Chanyeol, his lips spread into a wide smile, even though his heart was not feeling anything but fear at the moment. He looked at Baekhyun with loving eyes and ruffled his hair across the table. “But for how long?” Chanyeol picked up his spoon to start eating again. His eyes back to his plate.
“For two years, Chanyeol,” said Baekhyun, he bit his lower lip as he said it, waiting for an answer.
“That’s.. a really long time, Baekhyun.”
Chanyeol was lost. He looked at Baekhyun with such lost eyes that seemed that of a sailor who got lost in the sea and had no way to reach the shore.“This is why I wanted to discuss it with you, Chany—““Then what about our relationship Baekhyun… what about me?” Chanyeol’s voice was heavier than before now, so hoarse that it looked like he would cry any moment.“Chanyeol, we need to talk about it---“Chanyeol scoffed. He stood up in anger, his hands resting on his hips as he walked back and forth, he was gritting his teeth to stop himself from doing something violent. Baekhyun stood up to reach him, but Chanyeol was faster. He grabbed Baekhyun by shoulders and shouted, “Is this the moment where you’re going to break up with me? Are we done for good?”
“I didn’t say that. I want to take your opinion too. It is not my decision alone. We need to decide mutually. I want to know what you want,” said Baekhyun as calmly as possible. He knew how Chanyeol acts once he got angry.“So will you do what I want?” Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun with furious eyes. His grip on Baekhyun’s shoulders tightened, their noses were almost touching now.
“I want you Baekhyun. All that I ever wanted is you. I want you to stay,” Chanyeol stopped, took a deep breath as he was fighting his tears from showing up, “but that would be so selfish of me. I can’t stop you from achieving your dreams when I can’t even achieve mine anymore.”Baekhyun was sure he saw a tear drop from his eyes as Chanyeol pushed him away lightly and turned on his heels, away from Baekhyun. He threw his hands in the air and cupped his face, not wanting Baekhyun to see anything.“Chanyeol I—““Just go Baekhyun.”“Chanyeol, look at me once.”“Please, Baekhyun. I beg you, leave right now,” Chanyeol growled like an animal. He didn’t turn back but was able to hear footsteps. Footsteps of Baekhyun leaving.Chanyeol wondered if he turned around and begged Baekhyun to stay, would he have stayed at that moment?
Chanyeol wondered if Baekhyun had asked one more time then would he have turned around and run into Baekhyun’s embrace?He didn’t know anymore. He lost the chance to know the answer of both.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Chanyeol's breath hitched, stuck in his own lungs, desperately finding a way out. He was beyond nervous. He knew what would happen if he didn't make it today. He hadn’t slept a wink last night.This day was so important that the best players from not only his university but from others came too. Not only just from Seoul, but from all over Korea.Chanyeol's university was famous not only for its academic excellence but also for the commendable performance in other fields. It was a much-known fact that many of the prodigies were ex-students of SMU. The most famous being Kim Minseok, Chanyeol's ideal and role model, his senior when he was still a freshman, the one who recruited him in the team.The competition today was going to be fierce, Chanyeol knew that very well. No people other than the selected players were allowed to be on the field today. No fans, no banners. No cheering, no hooting. The situation was tensed. Only the sound of whistles, the footsteps of the players, the friction of leather balls against the rubber gloves were audible.They had to prove their worth today.Chanyeol’s right eye twitched, he felt his muscles tightening, unable to move as his coach called his name. As if his legs were chained, he took heavy steps, feeling wobbly. It wasn’t needed to say his confidence had sunk down along with the sun that drowned yesterday. The sun did rise up again today, but his confidence didn’t.Chanyeol’s eyes felt lost, he looked around the arena, so many faces, the eyes on him, the ball in his hand, and his target in front. The catcher squatted in his position, beckoning Chanyeol to make a throw. Behind the net, stood the officials, there were speed guns in their hands. Chanyeol looked left, and then right, there were pitchers standing in his row, focusing on throwing the fastball with their best ability, it was only him who didn’t make a move till now.He closed his eyes, for some kind of hope and encouragement, but it was all blank, there were no traces of hope or light, just complete darkness. And so he opened his eyes, his lips pressed tightly as he threw the ball. The speed was good but the throw was not accurate. He gave it a second try and then third, and just like that, his turn was over and the next pitcher was called. He knew he messed it up, he didn’t even need to wait here for results. He just knew it.Chanyeol set on the bleachers, away from others, he didn’t even look how rest of the players were doing. His eyes were open but his attention was somewhere else. His phone buzzed, Chanyeol noticed. There was a missed call from Baekhyun. A message left unread. He surely didn’t want to talk with Baekhyun but he opened his inbox."Chanyeol, just do your best today. We will talk about it later when you come home. I’m sorry about yesterday."Chanyeol decided not to send a reply. He put back his phone. He interlocked his fingers and clasped his hands together, placing it in centre of his head, his knuckles touching his forehead. He didn’t even notice how all the time passed. It wasn’t until he felt a palm on his hair, a caring hand gently rubbing his raven locks. He looked up, it was his coach.“Chanyeol, I don’t think that I even need to tell you the result,” his eyes were concerned, a soft gaze he threw over Chanyeol through the wrinkled corner of his eyes.“I know. You have all the rights to take out your anger on me. I’m such a disappointment. All your hard work and faith, I ruined it all,” said Chanyeol, his voice low and full of remorse, eyes looking down at his muddy sneakers. They were his favourite pair of sneakers, something his dad bought him two years ago for getting selected in the team. He still remembered how he wore this pair of white sneakers only on special days, they were his good luck charm.“It’s not that Chanyeol, I’m worried for you. I’m not upset that you didn’t get selected. If you had done your best and then were rejected, then I would have had no regrets,” he paused for a moment, his eyes demanding Chanyeol’s attention and this time, he got it, “but we both do know that it was not your best form, Chanyeol. I don’t know if you performed like that cause of emotional stress or under pressure but I want you to go and see a doctor. Not only your throws were inaccurate but your speed was not like before. Your speed was 120 mph.”Chanyeol didn’t take these words well, his speed was his strength. He was the fastest pitcher in his university, his usual speed was 140 mph.“It can’t be---my throws might be wrong, but my speed? I really did try my best. I can’t believe it.”“Chanyeol, take the footage of today and watch it. You can see for yourself where you’re lacking. But first, you need to do something about your emotional problems. It was practically on your face, the panic. Promise me you’ll see a doctor. And this is not the end, you can audition once you pass out from college. It will be tougher and fiercer then, but I have faith in you. You can do it. After all, you’re my favorite student, not cause you know how to pitch the best, but cause you know what true hard work actually is.”   The words of his coach made him feel slightly better as he went back. He didn’t even have Baekhyun on the back of his mind, not until he passed by his door.He stopped abruptly and looked at Baekhyun’s door and for a moment he wondered how the things went for Baekhyun today. Did he get selected for the scholarship? He must have, Chanyeol thought. He was happy, at least one of them was able to get what they wanted.It was already night time, he wondered if Baekhyun came back or not, if he had eaten or not as it was a busy day for him too. He felt a little guilty for not supporting Baekhyun like he did, he didn’t send Baekhyun a good luck message or gave him any words of encouragement, but then again, did Baekhyun even need them? He was already perfect at what he did. The moon is beautiful and yet it has scars on its surface, but Baekhyun? He was flawless, not a single scar or a dirty scratch.Chanyeol took a longer time in the bathroom today, trying to reduce his stress through a steamy shower. He was past 10 o’ clock at night when he was finally done. He made a mental note to see the psychiatrist his coach suggested tomorrow. His coach was right. He can’t give up now when he is so close to his dreams.Chanyeol decided that he needed to divert his mind to something else for the time being, away from baseball. Away from Baekhyun too. He sat on the couch of his living room and turned on the television. It was his favorite comedy show on the screen. However, he didn’t laugh. His hands were itching to switch the channel to a sports one, but he stopped himself from doing so after putting so much of will in it. He continued watching the show, it was boring and disinteresting yet Chanyeol still preferred it over soap operas.It was around 10 pm when he heard his doorbell. Without a doubt it was Baekhyun. He wondered if Baekhyun would go away if he pretended to be asleep and not answer.“Chanyeol, open the door,” the voice came from outside. “I know you’re there. Your TV is on. The sound is quite audible from here.”Shit. Why did he even consider watching television today? It did him no good.Chanyeol rose up from the couch and walked over to the main door, turning off his television. He placed a palm on the door and leaned closer, resting his forehead against it.“”“If you’re here to talk about that then I’m not interested,” said Chanyeol, his tone emotionless, expressions weary.“We won’t talk about it now if you want to. But I need to know about what happened to you at the audition.” The voice came from the other side, Baekhyun’s voice was still calm and composed.“Not now. Not ever. We won’t talk about it, Baekhyun,” replied Chanyeol, his frustration was really clear through the tone he used. “And there is nothing to talk about today’s audition. I failed. That’s it. Now go.”“But Jongin said – ““Forget what Jongin said. It doesn’t matter anyway. It is over,” Chanyeol spit angrily, his fist coming in collision with the wooden door, “and besides, I’m really tired, Baekhyun. Just leave me alone for now. I want to be alone.”It was a request, Chanyeol hoped Baekhyun would understand it and leave. But some part of him still wanted to open the door and kiss Baekhyun on the lips, to hold him and never let go.Chanyeol waited there until the sound of the footsteps faded and he heard the click of a door, opening and then closing. Baekhyun was gone. Finally. Talking about yesterday was not a good idea at all.But something in his heart didn’t feel right. He wanted Baekhyun to stay. But he also wanted him to go away. He fumbled the bottom of his shirt, pulling at it furiously with a hand. His other hand was grabbing the metallic door knob, he was one step away from towing it down. And so he did that.Chanyeol pulled opened the door fully, even though he knew Baekhyun would not be here. He still did that. His eyes landed on the white tiled floor. And there were a pair of shoes, a regular pair of canvas, not large ones but not small either, they were totally white and clean unlike his now dirty sneakers and the bearer of those shoes was none other than Baekhyun.No one spoke. So it was not Baekhyun who left, probably the person next door, Chanyeol wondered.Chanyeol didn’t ask why he was still standing here when he clearly had asked him to leave. Baekhyun didn’t utter a word either, instead, he moved towards Chanyeol, his steps hasty, he twisted an ankle slightly but that didn’t stop him from grabbing Chanyeol’s collar, in a swift motion he twirled on his heels, pushing Chanyeol against the door, effectively shutting the door in the motion.Baekhyun met Chanyeol’s eyes, his breath fanning against Chanyeol’s chin. His hold on Chanyeol was strong as the latter was not able to get away from it. Chanyeol found his hands grabbing Baekhyun’s arms, trying to stop him but it all went in vain.Baekhyun didn’t give Chanyeol any chance to withdraw or do anything as in the next moment, he linked his lips with Chanyeol’s. There was resistance from Chanyeol’s side. He didn’t want to give in, so he leaned back and tried detaching Baekhyun from his body but that only resulted in Baekhyun pushing him harder against the door, there was no distance between their bodies now, not of a single breath even.Baekhyun’s actions were demanding, the way he pulled Chanyeol’s luscious, pulpy lip between his thin ones was aggressive, there was an urgency. Baekhyun was still standing on his toes, taking leverage of Chanyeol’s neck now as he wrapped his hands around it to stand still and kiss him better.When Chanyeol still didn’t respond, Baekhyun let go of his lips, instead, he tilted his head a little and kissed his jaw. Standing on his feet now, he trailed small, feather-light kisses all the way from Chanyeol’s jaw line to the bottom of his left ear.“Stop resisting,” Baekhyun whispered in his ear before biting that earlobe, and Chanyeol swore that his voice was so intoxicating that he found losing himself, giving in the man standing in front of him. His eyes automatically closed when he felt a hot tongue licking his ear shell and then biting it before kissing it again. The hands that were previously around his neck slid down and tugged at his collar, unfastening the first button.Baekhyun was still not done with his ear when Chanyeol felt completely losing his sanity, his knees felt weak at those hot touches, he didn’t even realize when did he loll his neck, giving Baekhyun a better access to his neck.He felt a hot breath on his neck, he knew Baekhyun really loved his neck, his Adam’s apple and all those veins that formed on his neck whenever he tightened his jaw or felt under pressure.First the brush of lips just below his ear and then a tongue licking it lewdly, down the expanse of his neck and stopping where his neck met his shoulder.Chanyeol had enough. He was not going to let Baekhyun take the lead today.“If that’s how you wanna play with my emotions now, I’ll let you wreck me for one last time.”In one swift motion, he swung an arm around Baekhyun’s perfect curvy waist and almost swept him off his feet if it weren’t for Chanyeol’s calloused hand grasping his chin, making him look up. Chanyeol’s eyes were half-lidded, but Baekhyun’s were in a much worse condition, Chanyeol wasn’t sure if Baekhyun was even looking at him but when he saw Baekhyun raising his chin and those red lips, they chasing for his, Chanyeol lost every ounce of self-control he had and ducked his head, finally capturing Baekhyun’s lips.Baekhyun arched his back as Chanyeol kissed him deeply, his hands found their way to Chanyeol’s back, trying hard not to fall, his body was bent downwards impossibly low, if his body was not this flexible, he would have fallen down by now, but Chanyeol’s arm was really strong, holding him upright. Chanyeol let go of his jaw and placed his now free hand in mid of Baekhyun’s shoulder blades, to keep him in position as he continued devouring Baekhyun’s lips.Their lips moved against each other's in a perfect sync, creating a rhythm of its own as they produced a wet sound, Baekhyun was the first one to let go and catch his breath, but Chanyeol didn’t let him have his way, he took this opportunity to invade Baekhyun’s mouth with his tongue.Baekhyun had no time to have any rest as Chanyeol made his way in his mouth, licking the hot carven, he became more demanding. The kiss became sloppy, Baekhyun kissed him back with same intensity, his tongue battling against Chanyeol’s. Baekhyun’s chest was heaving rapidly with all the sensation, he was again out of breath. But unlike the first time, Chanyeol let him breathe this time.Chanyeol wasn’t quite satisfied with Baekhyun’s wrecked appearance, his lips red, and blood rising up to his cheeks, making them flush a shade of bright pink. He wanted more. He took a quick look around and his eyes landed on the sofa. He leaned down to whisper in Baekhyun’s ear, “right here on the sofa or the bedroom?” his voice was so intoxicating that Baekhyun swore that he could come just by it.“An-anywhere is fine..” Baekhyun replied, his breath short, “just hurry up and take this off.” Baekhyun said, fidgeting with the buttons of Chanyeol’s shirt, eyes filled with lust.Baekhyun gripped Chanyeol’s wrist, unable to wait anymore, and dragged him towards the sofa. However, Chanyeol had other plans, he took Baekhyun by surprise. Baekhyun was left stunned when he felt himself being swept off the ground hastily. For support, he clutched Chanyeol’s shirt tightly.“Can’t let you wake up with a back pain tomorrow, now can we?” Chanyeol said before Baekhyun could make any comment on it.The lights of his bedroom were off, but they didn’t care. Chanyeol didn’t drop Baekhyun on the floor like he expected to, instead he felt himself being thrown on the cotton sheets of Chanyeol’s bed. Chanyeol wasted no time in joining him there either. He unbuttoned his shirt hastily and threw it somewhere before diving in the bed, lying right on top of Baekhyun. They were chest to chest now.Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun's face and kissed him furiously. Pulling, nibbling and sucking on them. He always had loved Baekhyun's strawberry scented lips, how soft they always felt against his own, his right thumb was padding Baekhyun's soft rosy cheek. Chanyeol wondered how could they be so soft when Baekhyun never did any skin care, it was still a mystery. Baekhyun's hands were wrapped cautiously around Chanyeol's waist as he let Chanyeol devour his lips. They continued kissing like that for some moments before Chanyeol finally felt a little satisfied and decided to give it a rest. They looked at each other's face. Oh just how much Chanyeol had missed this, doing nothing but look at Baekhyun's this face.He noticed how Baekhyun bobbed his neck, taking all his attention, Chanyeol really wanted to devour it too. He gave Baekhyun's lips one last sloppy smooch before diving all the way down to his beautiful neck, sucking on his Adam's apple and then moving rightwards, towards his collarbones. He harshly pulled down Baekhyun's shirt from his left shoulder before pressing his lips against his well-defined collarbones. Baekhyun's hand moved down Chanyeol's body, stopping at Chanyeol's hot abs as he started tracing them, rubbing them, and pinching them hungrily.Chanyeol's lips started their little ministrations on Baekhyun's collarbones, nipping at them like an insatiable animal, and then biting them. He left some loud smooches all over that area before biting the junction of Baekhyun's neck and shoulder, making Baekhyun arch his back off the bed."O-oh..not that hard!" Baekhyun hissed, grabbing a handful of Chanyeol's hair and pulling at it, trying to keep away Chanyeol from his sensitive neck.Chanyeol smirked victoriously, knowing he could make Baekhyun this expressive, this much messed up, just made him feel like doing it more. He paid no heed to Baekhyun's request as he pulled his shirt down more to bite the end of Baekhyun's wide shoulder, tearing his shirt in that process."Did you just tear my shirt?" Said Baekhyun, it was more of a statement than a question."You look better without it. Really," Chanyeol simply couldn't care less about it.Chanyeol was unbelievable, Baekhyun really loved that shirt. He grabbed Chanyeol by his shoulders and rolled over until he was on the top. He sat on Chanyeol's pelvis, a hand resting in the middle of Chanyeol's chest, preventing him from getting up and chasing his lips."Now you do as I say, big boy," there was a smirk on Baekhyun's face as he finally removed his own shirt too and tossed it on the ground. He shifted back on Chanyeol's body until he sat right on top of Chanyeol's hard bulge.His hands roamed down from Chanyeol's chest to his abs, rubbing them in a sync before settling them down on his navel, at the same time he moved his ass over Chanyeol's hardness in a dirty dance, smiling teasingly as he saw how Chanyeol's expression changed, how needy he looked for Baekhyun, and how hard he was trying to suppress a moan."Baek please, don't do that..." Chanyeol begged, but that only made Baekhyun increase his pace as he rubbed his bottom harder against Chanyeol's painful erection through his jeans."You teased me enough, now I'm taking my revenge. It's only fair for me to turn you into a mess too. A beautiful mess," said Baekhyun before going down to lick Chanyeol's abs, and all the way up to his chest, stopping only when he got to bite his neck, doing the same thing that Chanyeol did to him. His hands back to rubbing Chanyeol's wide chest, brushing lightly over his hardened nubs to tease him even more.With all the sensation and touches, Chanyeol felt himself close to coming. He grabbed Baekhyun's wrists to stop him from messing around anymore, he twisted them both and locked them behind his lower back with one hand, Baekhyun tried resisting but he could not as Chanyeol was stronger.Chanyeol took this opportunity to sit straight and grab Baekhyun's jaw with a hand, his other hand still holding Baekhyun's both in a tight lock on Baekhyun's lower back. He looked at Baekhyun as if he had struck out the best player on the field, before kissing him again, bruising his lips in the process. But Baekhyun didn't complain, if anything, he loved how it was turning him on.Chanyeol's hold on his wrists were so tight that Baekhyun was sure they are going to leave bruises but he didn't care, he was so lost in the sensation of Chanyeol's lips against his, he was sitting on Chanyeol's lap, but found his shoulders bending down when Chanyeol started kissing his neck, his back arching again, soon he found himself laid flat on the bed, his wrists now freed from Chanyeol's grasp as he locked his legs around Chanyeol's waist, lying down in middle of his legs.Chanyeol let go of his neck after some more wet smooches, going all the way down to his soft tummy, stopping only when he reached Baekhyun's jeans."This needs to disappear," said Chanyeol as his hands skilfully worked on Baekhyun jeans' button, sliding down the zipper, and freeing Baekhyun's cheeks from it, along with his underwear. Baekhyun raised his ass to help Chanyeol free him from all this clothing completely.Baekhyun was now stark naked. And he didn't like it. He didn't like how unfair the game was. Chanyeol deserved the same penalty as him, as in this game, both were losers, losing to each other's touches. He was such a sore loser.If he goes down, he will take Chanyeol with him."Yours too," replied Baekhyun, tentatively as he tugged on Chanyeol's shorts, pulling at the rubber band."Sure deal," said Chanyeol, agreeing with Baekhyun. He pecked Baekhyun's lips before getting off the bed, leaving Baekhyun a bit frustrated from the loss of warmth, searching for something in the drawer.Lube, Baekhyun realized. It had been almost a month since they last had sex. Chanyeol removed his remaining clothes before sinking down on the bed again.Baekhyun's head was resting on a pillow comfortably, his chest rising up and down cause of being out the breath. He just couldn't wait for Chanyeol to be back, he raised a leg in the air, locking it around Chanyeol's waist, making him fall on top of Baekhyun and letting out a chuckle at Baekhyun's eager action."Don't be so impatient," said Chanyeol, his fingers tapping the side of Baekhyun's hips before going down and down, stopping only when he was face to face with Baekhyun's hardened erection. If he wanted, he could make Baekhyun come just by a few touches then and there, but he was saving it for the main course.He parted Baekhyun's thighs enough to be settled down there, he tried his best not to get squished up between those two delicious thighs. As much as he wanted to prep Baekhyun right now without any further delay, those untouched thighs were really inviting. He gave in the temptation.Chanyeol placed one of Baekhyun's legs on top of his shoulder as he started kissing the inner side of his other thigh. He left sweet kisses there as he massaged the thigh resting on his shoulder. He started it sweetly but it wasn't late enough when his sweet kisses turned into fierce ones, bruising Baekhyun's inner thigh, his other hand leaving marks on Baekhyun's other one. He started biting on the plush skin soon and sucking too, loving the soft flesh in his mouth and not feeling enough. He kissed his other thigh too, before starting to bite and sucking it hungrily."Cha-chanyeol.. don't- just st-stop teasing me," Baekhyun moaned, his hands came down to grab a fistful of Chanyeol's hair.Baekhyun got so turned out by this act that he locked Chanyeol's head between his thighs, squishing this face in it and he tried his best not come. On the other hand, Chanyeol didn't mind getting smothered by those thick thighs.Giving a last wet smooch to each of his thighs, Chanyeol stopped his ministrations and lubed his fingers. It had been a long time and he was sure it would hurt Baekhyun if he wasn't careful enough, so he inserted a digit carefully, almost experimentally. Making sure to go in as smoothly as possible without hurting his lover. He let Baekhyun adjust to his finger before pulling it out slowly."Does that hurt?""N-no.. just keep going."Chanyeol didn't need to be told twice. He repeated his action, moving in and then out, it might just be one finger but he knew how thick it was. When Baekhyun seemed to be relaxed around it, he added another finger, moving them together in and out in a symmetry. He looked up to see Baekhyun's expression, to see whether he was hurting on not.If anything, he found Baekhyun extremely turned on, it made him go faster, as he increased his face, fingering Baekhyun harder and faster, he liked the expression of Baekhyun's face, how his mouth was opened in pure bliss. The moan Baekhyun elicited were delirious. Soon he found himself fucking Baekhyun on all his four fingers. He wondered how Baekhyun could take them all at once. He not only took his fingers effectively but he soon started moving his ass down on Chanyeol's fingers, trying to create a friction to fuck himself on them."Ch-chanyeol...I need you now.." his voice was low, it was like he was begging, unable to control his urge, not feeling satisfied enough with those fingers.Chanyeol decided to not make him wait any further. He rolled on a condom, before positioning himself in front of Baekhyun's opening. He parted Baekhyun's legs and pressed them backwards against his stomach, holding the back of his knees to keep him in position."I'm going in, Hyun" Baekhyun didn't reply, he just nodded as Chanyeol finally entered his body. Going in slowly, inch by inch, he tried his best not to hurt Baekhyun. He noticed the sweat beads on Baekhyun's forehead, and neck, once he was fully inside Baekhyun's body, he leaned forward. He wiped away the fringes from Baekhyun forehead and kissed his crown, Baekhyun closed his eyes at this, feeling contented.When Chanyeol found Baekhyun's body totally relaxed, he moved out of him slowly, only to put it back, he continued like this for a few moments, making Baekhyun adjust to his size before increasing his pace. He grip on Baekhyun's thighs hardened as he increased his pace, bruising his thighs in the process as he tried to stretch them out for a better access.Seeing Baekhyun all messed up under him was driving him crazy, he wanted to give Baekhyun his best, as it might be their last time together, he didn't know. And so he did it.He sat Baekhyun on his lap, thrusting up, while Baekhyun took the lead and sank down on his shaft, his hands grabbing Chanyeol's hair as he kissed him deeply. Baekhyun did that again, the dirty dance he did in the beginning, soon he leaned back, removing his arms around Chanyeol’s neck. His palms touched the cotton sheets as he fully leaned back, resting on them, giving Chanyeol a proper view of his flushed chest. He moved his ass in a rhythm, going not so fast, he wanted to tease Chanyeol. He purposely slowed down his movement, taking his time in riding Chanyeol painfully slow. Chanyeol’s hand were gripping Baekhyun’s waist as he tried to increase the pace, but Baekhyun was not giving him what he wanted so easily. His body waved lewdly, his flat stomach glistening with sweat now, making him look sexier and hotter.After some time, Baekhyun got tired, his pace slowed  down so Chanyeol decided to switch the position. He laid Baekhyun down on his side and lied right next to him, his chest pressing against Baekhyun's back. He parted Baekhyun's one thigh, pushing it forward, up until it touched Baekhyun's tummy and finally entered him again, doing it slow this time, savouring the moment. He wrapped an arm around Baekhyun's waist while his mouth started sucking and kissing Baekhyun's nape.Baekhyun locked his fingers with Chanyeol's as he rested his hand on top of Chanyeol's, the one holding his waist while his other hand moved back to pull at Chanyeol's hair. There was too much of sensation going through his body that he was shaking from all the pleasure. He found his body shake at such overwhelming emotions, his hand that was previously settled on Chanyeol's one moved down to please himself, but Chanyeol was having none of it. He slapped Baekhyun's hand away as he grabbed Baekhyun's painfully hot erection, pulling at it and giving its head all the attention it needed. He rubbed the slit and tugged at his hardened member, and at the same time, he increased his speed. He started thrusting in and out of Baekhyun’s body the fastest that he could.Baekhyun was loving how Chanyeol was filling him up, with each thrust Chanyeol was hitting his prostrate, driving him crazy every second. He could practically feel Chanyeol’s member in his guts, going harder and harder, taking away every single ounce of sanity left in him. His hands had nothing to touch so he just grabbed Chanyeol’s biceps with one, his nails digging in the hot muscle. His other hand was on top of Chanyeol’s, making him move faster, feeling his orgasm pooling up any moment.And in no moment they both came together. Chanyeol's hand was full of Baekhyun's come but he didn't mind. He carefully removed his softened shaft from Baekhyun's ass and stood up from the bed.Baekhyun noticed this and he immediately sat in his knees, ready to leave the bed too but he realized Chanyeol was just going to the bathroom. Within no time Chanyeol came back and flopped on the bed, lying side by side, face to face with Baekhyun. He draped a blanket over there body, pulling Baekhyun close in his chest out of habit whilst kissing the top of his now messed up hair."What a beautiful mess. My mess," he finally said, the words he was saving since so long. He could hear Baekhyun snigger a little as he felt an arm snaking around his waist."Gloating on my face now. Aren’t you? What a sore winner.""You make me so. Always. Is it that bad?" Chanyeol asked, playing with Baekhyun's hair."Nah. I think I can handle.""When are you going to Japan?" Chanyeol didn't think he would touch this topic so soon. But it had to be done. Sooner or later. And it slipped out of his mouth even before he could give it a second thought."As soon as I finish the final exams." Baekhyun peeked his head out from Chanyeol's embrace and crawled up until he was face to face with him, "do you hate me for that?" He palmed Chanyeol's cheek, looking straight into his eyes."Hate? N-no. No. No. No. I would never hate you Baekhyun, even if you shoot me in the head." Chanyeol explained, a bit dramatically, but that was so much like him. It would have been weird if had answered simply."That won't happen, silly!" Baekhyun replied. He hit Chanyeol's bare chest with his free hand in the process. "But, Chanyeol… what about your game today? What happened?" Baekhyun asked once again, trying to coax Chanyeol into talking."Shit happened, Baekhyun. I failed. I suck," said Chanyeol, not liking where the conversation was going now. "I don't want to talk about this. The coach said I need a doctor. He suggested me one.""I'll go with you then.""Don't you have classes tomorrow?" Chanyeol was a bit taken back by Baekhyun’s words, his eyes twinkling upon hearing that."That can wait. We are going. That's it."They didn't talk anymore after this, both were tired. Chanyeol tucked Baekhyun's head under his chin while embracing him tightly. Baekhyun did the same. Soon they both were asleep to the music of each other's breath.Chanyeol didn’t know how the sky was today. Whether the star there was able to shine next to the moon or not. He didn’t know if it was again a misty night as for him, he had reached his moon and that’s all he cared about. Nothing more.  When Chanyeol woke up the next day, he found his bed empty. So Baekhyun indeed left, he thought. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. A heavy feeling settling down in his gut.He rubbed his eyes, trying to be fully awake when he saw Baekhyun emerging from his kitchen, there was a coffee mug in his hand."Oh, you're awake!" Said Baekhyun as he placed the coffee mug on the table beside the bed. “I was about to wake you up.”In day light, Chanyeol's well-built body was clearly visible, his fine abs and muscly arms. There was a blanket draped over his lower body, covering his nakedness. He took in Baekhyun's appearance, the boy was wearing the shirt Chanyeol wore last night. A few buttons from the top were unbuttoned, he was wearing nothing down either, but courtesy to Chanyeol's oversized shirt and half of his thighs were covered. He crawled over the covers and sat next to Chanyeol. So Baekhyun was indeed here, he didn't disappear."Why are you staring at me?""And should I not stare at you?” Chanyeol replied lazily, his voice groggy, “and besides, you're wearing my shirt.""Well blame the one who decided it is better to tear my shirt last night instead of gently taking it out,” Baekhyun threw back at him. Totally ignoring the first point as it made him flustered."I'm not complaining.”"And when do we go there? To see the doctor, I mean.""In around two hours."   It was afternoon, and the subway train was overly crowded. There was no personal space. Chanyeol found himself standing at a corner, his back perched against the metallic body of the train, a hand holding onto the nearest poll he could grab. Baekhyun was standing next to him, his limbs weren’t long enough to grasp the metallic poll like Chanyeol, and neither was he standing at the corner to rest against the train’s surface.Baekhyun ended up tugging at the bottom of Chanyeol blue-white striped shirt for the support. But it wasn’t enough to keep his body still. Whenever a new station came, Baekhyun found himself feeling pushed along the crowd. And one time, Baekhyun was sure he would fall down as the push was so strong. There was no space between the people.Different scents had filled the air around him. He was able to make out some, those were the rich fragrances the girls used, luxurious and lavishing, and others were the dirty smell of sweat that Baekhyun was sure would make him puke any moment. His eyes were down, looking around the shoes of different men around him, he clutched on Chanyeol’s shirt harder this particular moment as he could practically feel someone’s chest pressed against his back, a palm touching his lower back. He couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable, he tried to move a little but to no avail. The next stoppage was coming soon, within 30 seconds and he was not sure how he would manage in the new pool of people.The doors opened, but Baekhyun closed his eyes, not ready to deal with this anymore. Their stop was just five more stops ahead. But Baekhyun could not wait. He felt the movement of so many footsteps around him, some exiting the train while a lot more entering, shoulders brushing against each-other and loud noises, and in the middle of everything, he felt an arm around his waist, dragging him all the way from where he was standing to right in front of Chanyeol, and then he felt being moved around on his heels as now his back was perched against the metallic surface of the train and Chanyeol was hovering over him, locking him in his safe embrace, away from all the unwanted touches. His hand automatically rested on Chanyeol’s side, he said nothing, just stood there. Closing his eyes now in peace.Chanyeol was noticing since last few minutes how some teenagers were purposely tumbling around Baekhyun, trying to hit on him or gain his attention. If he weren’t standing in the middle of so many people, he would not have hesitated to punch them all. He felt his blood boiling when he noticed how the tallest among them touched Baekhyun’s back, making it look like an accident and all his minions smirking at this. Baekhyun was not standing close to him, there was a distance of a few inches between them so he waited. Waited till the train stopped again, when some people started moving out, instantly, he wrapped an arm around Baekhyun’s waist and dragged near him in his safe haven, away from everyone.The time passed rapidly and it was already their stop. He intertwined his fingers with Baekhyun and hauled him out of the train, past the crowd in a speedy motion.“You dropped this, beautiful,” a voice came, and Chanyeol was the first one look behind. There stood that boy, smirking lewdly, the same boy who touched Baekhyun and Chanyeol felt losing all his self-control. In boy’s hand was a small paintbrush, it looked old and damaged, and within a single glance, Chanyeol could tell to which set it belonged to. The set Baekhyun had been salvaging for years. The same old wooden handle and damaged bristles. And Chanyeol didn’t know at whom he was angrier now, Baekhyun or the boy.The boy moved forward, taking slow steps, stopping right in front of them. He extended a hand, the one that was carrying the small pocket-sized paintbrush, and stopped it right in front of Baekhyun’s face.“It’s yours, I guess,” said the boy playfully, Chanyeol gritted his teeth, trying his best not to punch him right there. Baekhyun nodded and then raised his hand to pick it up, but the boy immediately curled his fingers into a fist and raising it up in the air. “Not so easily. You get this if I get your phone number. Deal?” he smiled like a sinister and his friends standing behind started hooting and whistling, the typical high-schoolers. The boy was tall but not as tall as Chanyeol, he was probably in his last year of high school.Before Baekhyun could answer or the boy could make one nasty remark, Chanyeol punched him in the guts and twisted his arm that was holding the brush, effectively making it fall down on the floor. He got looks from a few people around. As the boy was still in his school clothes, it could have become a bigger issue. Baekhyun dunked to pick up the paintbrush and put it in his pocket. And at the same time, he hooked his arm around Chanyeol’s and walked out of the scene hurriedly.He could hear the people whispering around him, and in the midst of everything, the boy was shouting, “just wait till I sue you both fags. Disgusting humans!” But he didn’t care, he just wanted to get away from this place as soon as possible. He passed the pool of people, all eyes narrowed down at both of them, most of them looking disgusted but his hold around Chanyeol’s arm didn’t loosen, not until they were both of that place.  “Park Chanyeol, you are, right?” The young doctor, probably in his early thirties asked as they both entered the room. Chanyeol nodded before taking a seat, Baekhyun sat next to him.“And you’re?” The doctor asked Baekhyun, trying to make them both comfortable.“His boyfriend,” said Baekhyun almost immediately, the doctor looked a bit taken back for a moment but didn’t let it linger on his face for longer.“I’m doctor Zhang. Zhang Yixing. I’m a specialist, for all the athletes only, so consider yourself lucky that Kim Junmyeon suggested you to me.”“O-oh.. I didn’t know that, he is my coach,” said Chanyeol, feeling a bit nervous. It was his first time with a psychiatrist.“Oh don’t be nervous, kid,” Zhang chuckled, “Junmyeon is an old friend. Anything for him.”“I don’t even know why I am here, to be honest,” said Chanyeol, confessing his honest feels. “It’s just the stress to do better, I guess?” Again a nervous laugh.Baekhyun stayed silent as he let the two of them talk, observing the doctor and then Chanyeol, whoever it was speaking at a time.“I’m afraid it’s not only that. Junmyeon sent me some footages, the one of your audition yesterday and a couple of videos from before, of you practicing casually a month ago or two,” The doctor sounded serious all of a sudden, he leaned closer as he spoke,  “would you come with me for some minutes, Chanyeol? I need to see you play from my own eyes to reach any conclusion. We have a field especially for all the athletes who come here for treatment.”Soon the three of them, additionally a catcher stood on the ground. Chanyeol was wearing his favorite sports shoes, the one his father gifted as he stood on the mound. He was still feeling nothing, the memories of what happened in the subway were still lingering in his head.“Chanyeol, easy. Relax your body.” He could hear the doctor say from a distance. He followed his guidance and tried his best. Even this time none of his throws were accurate. The doctor told him to stop after ten throws and they were back in his clinic.Chanyeol suddenly started feeling extremely nervous, there were butterflies in his stomach as he waited for the doctor to start speaking.“Chanyeol, the reason for your poor performance, it’s not just the stress that you have been thinking. Your sudden loss of ability and downgrading performance..” the doctor paused for a moment, as he saw anxiety covering Chanyeol’s face, but he knew he had to inform Chanyeol, “I’m afraid to say that you are showing the symptoms of Steve Blass syndrome.”Baekhyun was the first one to ask, “What does that mean? Is it chronic?”“What? N-no.. it is not a chronic disease. And I’m sure Chanyeol has heard about it before. It’s when-““A sportsman starts to lose his ability to throw balls accurately and pitch with his best capacity, forever,” Chanyeol sighed as he completed what the doctor wanted to say. Baekhyun opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t. He was speechless.“Well, yes. That’s it. But it doesn’t mean you will never get it back. You can be back in your form if you-““Bullshit. You and I both know that it is such a rare occurrence. Once it’s gone, it never comes back.”“There must be a way, right?” Baekhyun interrupted, cutting Chanyeol in and stopping him from being rude to the doctor. He extended his hand to place it on top of Chanyeol’s but his hand got jerked away harshly.“There is a way, if Chanyeol remembers all the best times in his life as a baseball player and then pitch with that feeling, he might overcome it. Watching videos of his best performances will really help.”This answer made Chanyeol scoff sarcastically, his fist came in contact with the table as he threw daggers at the doctor sitting in front of him. “And who do you think I’m? Member of the best team in Nation? I have no such grand moments or any videos. I have nothing to look at to get it back. No need to give me any false hopes.”“You won’t know if you never try, Chanyeol,” the doctor tried talking to calm him down but it was of no use. Chanyeol already left the seat and stomped out of the clinic. Baekhyun shortly following after him, bidding his apologies for Chanyeol’s rude behavior to the doctor but Chanyeol had already left the hospital and was walking on the road, Baekhyun running after him to catch. Baekhyun called out his name but Chanyeol didn’t stop.Baekhyun ran through the busy small streets, chasing after Chanyeol. His shoulders colliding with people who were just as busy as him. He found Chanyeol walking farther away from, courtesy to his long legs and bigger footsteps.The wind became stronger, moving in the opposite direction to Baekhyun’s and the sky above him blackened, the grey clouds hid the sun, smothering it and they ruled the sky now, they were roaring loudly. A drop of water landed on Baekhyun’s cheek, and then the second one and within a few seconds, it started pouring heavily.Baekhyun noticed a kid smiling, dancing happily in the rain but the situation was different for Baekhyun. Most of the people now took the shelter now, and the streets were less crowded, making Baekhyun effectively walk as fast as he could. Chanyeol was finally near him and instead of shouting his name, he held his arm, but Chanyeol tossed his hand away, getting away from his touch when he finally stopped in his tracks to look back at Baekhyun.“Don’t touch me,” Chanyeol growled, his wet bangs covering most of his forehead but somehow his eyes were visible.Baekhyun didn’t give up, he tried holding Chanyeol’s wrist this time, “Chanyeol, I know you’re upset but listen-““I told you not to touch me. Stop it. Go away.”This street was narrow and secluded, no one else was there. The sound or rain was heavy, but Chanyeol’s voice was loud enough to give Baekhyun goosebumps.Baekhyun stood closer to Chanyeol, his rain dripped hands came in contact with Chanyeol’s face as he cupped his them both, looking into his eyes he said “Chanyeol.. why are you saying such things? You know that I lo-““No, Baekhyun. You don’t love me,” Chanyeol cut in, he didn’t let Baekhyun finish his words as he knew they were untrue, “Baekhyun, the only things you love are painting, those brushes and that guy you loved or probably still love. I never made into your list, I was never there.”“Stop saying such things, Chanyeol. That’s not true,” Baekhyun tried justifying but Chanyeol was having none of it. He harshly pulled away Baekhyun’s hands from his face and pushed him away by shoulders.“That’s the only truth of your life. Even if you don’t agree. Your life only revolves around those three things,” Chanyeol cried loudly, not facing Baekhyun now. He ran fingers through his hair before tugging at them harshly. “I tried my best, Baekhyun. To make you love me, and me only. But I was never enough for you.”“Is that what you think, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked through a broken voice.“Do me a favor, Baekhyun. Just go away and never come back, don’t follow me anymore” as Chanyeol said his last words, he looked at Baekhyun through his pained eyes for one last time before turning on his heels and walking away.Even if any of the two cried that day, nobody would have known as the rain washed away those tears too. But the image of Chanyeol leaving like that plastered on Baekhyun’s mind like a painting, the one he could never draw yet could never forget. The date when the day looked as dark as a horrible night, the day Chanyeol had said the cruellest words to him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sometimes, we might love someone but still can't be with them. The reason could be anything. In Chanyeol's case, it was his own insecurities, his own depression. He had seen the look on Baekhyun's face while talking to him that day. And the amount of worry Baekhyun showed after knowing what a loser Chanyeol now. He could not play Baseball. Baekhyun was standing right there in front of his eyes that day, drenched in water. Wet hair covering his eyes almost completely, lips shivering. He could see that all. Chanyeol could see the pain in Baekhyun's eyes when he stopped him from saying that he loves him. He noticed Baekhyun making adjustments for him, compromising for him. Perhaps Baekhyun might not go to Japan anymore if he saw Chanyeol's pathetic state for the next few months. Maybe Baekhyun would just pity him so that Chanyeol could feel less of a loser that he knew he was. Taking everyone down with him. First his coach, and now even Baekhyun. Pity was what everyone gave me, his family, his coach, his best friend, and even Baekhyun. And Park Chanyeol needed no pity.  Accusing Baekhyun for those paintbrushes seemed right to him at that moment. Partly cause of his insecurities and partly cause he wanted a reason for Baekhyun to go away.  And so he decided to stay at his mother's. Being next to Baekhyun was not going to take him anywhere. If anything, he would just depress Baekhyun along with him. Or hurt him even more than how he did that day. He didn't want that.  Chanyeol started going university after a month. He decided to study first. Exams were coming soon. He was not a good student. Books and learning were never his field. All that fool knew was playing baseball.Or used to know. He was sitting in the university's library for an hour. Trying hard to study. But it was kind of impossible. His eyes felt heavy, he knew he had developed eye bags. Chanyeol wondered how he cleared all his exams these past two years, perhaps he didn't care about marks much as he knew he was going to make a career in baseball, until that thing happened. He knew he needed to study hard now for higher studies. Merely getting pass marks won't be enough. Chanyeol's mother had always wanted him to take over their family business and run the Italian restaurant. But he had his own ambitions. Now that his mother knew about his problem too, he was sure she would force him to do it. He needed to study to let that not happen.  "Chanyeol, you should sleep. It is too late. You can study tomorrow in the morning," Yoora whispered through the closed wooden door. It was around one in the morning. "I will. Just let me finish this chapter." Except that the light was still on when she came to check out other curiosity around five in the morning."Chanyeol, you don't need to study that hard. Ma won't force you… she understands," she had said to Chanyeol during breakfast the very next morning.
Chanyeol's eyes were looking horrible. She could tell that he barely slept last night. She hated how stubborn her little brother was. "She won't. Nobody does. I don't expect you to either," Chanyeol said without even looking up. He continued eating as if it was not an important issue.  It took Yoora's two weeks of effort to send Chanyeol to the doctor again. Not for the game. But for his mental health and well-being. He didn't look happy. His face was gloomy. He used to come and sit with them for dinner, laugh at the silly jokes made by comedians on television, run errands their mom asked him to, go college, pretty much everything like a normal college student. Except the time he was alone. Sometimes he would simply stare at his phone's screen for hours while sitting on the floor. Sometimes he would just sit down alone in the living room and do nothing, for hours. At nights she noticed how he used to just sit in the balcony and look at the stars. His baseball set was left untouched since a month. Yoora didn't understand any of that. She wondered what was going on in his mind.  To see Chanyeol back after a month came as a shock for Zhang Yixing at first.
Chanyeol looked much worse from what he did over a month ago.Chanyeol didn't just look simply unhappy, he looked sick. "Life has been tough, yeah?" The doctor asked casually, trying to make the atmosphere casual. "A lot more than one could imagine," said Chanyeol, sighing deeply. "I had a recent heartbreak. Actually two, not just one. Baseball. Baekhyun. Life's fucked me up so bad." He chuckled. A fake smile bloomed on his face, the one he tried giving to his mother and sister many times in the past month. "Those would be the problems in your case. But what's the solution? How are you planning to deal with it?" Doctor Zhang asked. His fingers playing with the globe on the desk, spinning it around while making eye contact with Chanyeol. Solution? It struck his mind like lightning. Chanyeol knew his problem. His failures. His drawbacks. The reasons why he was a loser. The reason why his relationship was on its way to end completely. But did he ever think about what to do about both of them? All he did was ignoring it all. Ignore baseball. Ignore Baekhyun. Pretend to be okay. Keep yourself busy. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. He told himself daily. Chanted like a mantra. But the more he did it, the more those thoughts entered his mind. "Chanyeol, if you think avoiding the situation means solving it, then you're wrong. If you think not talking about the problem means it doesn't exist anymore, then you're wrong. If you think studying for exams and keeping yourself busy will heal you with time then you're wrong," the doctor paused for a moment. He noticed how Chanyeol was biting his lower lip between his teeth. The kid looked like he would cry at any moment. "Chanyeol, time heals those who try to heal themselves. You're not doing that. If you won't make any efforts then you won't be healed even in ten years.I know it is personal but I need to know why you broke up with your boyfriend. You can choose not to answer though.""I think we are better off each other." "Why you think so now? You didn't feel so at the beginning of your relationship?" "No... back then I had my dreams too. Just like him. We both were the same. But only he is the one who can fulfill his dreams now. And besides, he is leaving the country. I don’t want to be a burden. Don’t want him to look at me with eyes full of pity. I don’t want him to become miserable just like me." "Would you have not said those words if you were still able to play baseball? Would you have not let go of him if the situation was different?" "I guess so. Maybe. I don’t know anything anymore, doc. This is all so fucked up.”When Chanyeol came for the fourth time alone, Yixing got the idea that he was no more with his boyfriend. But it was not something he was supposed to speak about. He was just happy to see Chanyeol do as he said. The baseball training could not be started now. Yixing knew the kid was still young, had the pressure of exams, probably a recent break-up, and was having depression. Baseball was not his priority for now. Making Chanyeol back on his track of being happy was the most important thing.  He tried doing what he was told. Reading self-help books. Running to the edge of the horizon early morning, trying to reach the sun he could not touch. Chanyeol met Jongin soon after once he started seeing the doctor regularly. Together they both went to a Buddhist temple that their coach had suggested. Away from the noisy city of Seoul, on the foothill of Namsan. The mountains felt closer to the sun he wanted to reach and touch so badly. So close and yet so far, just like Baekhyun.It was not like Chanyeol never considered reaching Baekhyun. The picture Baekhyun had once sent of eating his favourite meal that one day, had him in tears. He recognized the café right away, it was the one they both were frequent to. There was no text attached to the picture. He knew Baekhyun was giving him the space he had asked for. But he missed Baekhyun so damn much, more than he missed baseball. That day Baekhyun was so close to him, just a text away. So close and yet so far. So hard for him to reach. Another time when he seriously could not control his urge to see Baekhyun was on his birthday. He could control his mind, but what could he do about his withering heart that just yearned for nothing more than his beloved?He just wanted to run, to go home, to Baekhyun, to hug him and never let go. But that would be just too selfish, just how was he supposed to face Baekhyun and tell him not to go? And that day he decided, he would only see Baekhyun when he could tell him to leave without any pain in his heart, with honesty. He would wait for the day he gets rid of his own insecurities.  “Practice and it may just come back. You know, your game to you,” that’s what his father had told him on call after all this month. And that was it. He had not really expected much from him, his parents had divorced more than a decade ago. In the beginning, his father did come and meet both the kids once a week, but as the years passed on, once a week became once a month, once a month became once a year and after shifting to Singapore, it was left just to a few text messages and occasional phone calls. His father had remarried just a year after the divorce, but his mother didn’t, said she had no time to, but Chanyeol just knew, deep inside she did it just for the two kids. They saw their father falling out of love, they saw him with another woman, and the young Chanyeol was scared. Now he did understand that people do fall out of love. It was okay for it to happen. Would Baekhyun and he too fall out of love one day? Did Baekhyun already fall out of love? Would he too one day? These thoughts scared him. He thought about the time when he wasn’t the Chanyeol that loved someone, he was a free spirit, he had no heartaches, no throbbing pain in his chest like he had now. But he still preferred to be Chanyeol of now, the one who was irrevocably in love with Baekhyun, because even if it hurt so much, he just could not stop loving him. If loving someone was a poison then he would gladly drink it all. Just to love Baekhyun till his last breath, maybe a few nights more. Till he was allowed to do so. Cause what if Baekhyun told him not to love him anymore? He would not allow anyone to take his right to love Baekhyun away, not even to Baekhyun. If Baekhyun wanted to leave, he should just leave. But his presence kept lingering around the air Chanyeol breath, his heart, which always had Baekhyun, and the thoughts that won’t leave him alone.   Shuddering fingers came in contact with the metallic doorknob, it was already the night time. Baekhyun didn’t come back to his one room apartment before the sun was down. It was still raining outside. The month of September had always been like this for Seoul. The rain came in all expected way, and uncalled hours. And today, it stayed. Baekhyun was sopping wet when he finally stepped in, water dribbling from his clothes, his shoes and his skin, damping the carpeted floor underneath his cold feet. But instead of hurrying up and making his way to the bathroom, he took his time, feeling perplexed from the recent events.He hauled out the small paintbrush from the pocket of his denim jeans and placed it on the wooden table.The small, fragile brush was broken. He had to fix it soon. He wondered what he could do to fix himself though. It wasn’t as simple as fixing a mere paintbrush. His heart felt troubled. He didn't know how to tackle this situation. He didn't cry. His heart felt too empty for that.  There was a message in his inbox. From Chanyeol. He wasn’t expecting it to be from him.‘I’m staying at my mother’s for a while. Don’t look out for me. Perhaps, we need a break.’We? Baekhyun scoffed. How could Chanyeol take a decision for both of them? How did he think that Baekhyun wanted the same? How simply, Chanyeol just did it? Ending whatever they both had for the past two and a half years.   It started to rain again.
The sound of raindrops against the glass windows was audible. Baekhyun lied on the cold bedsheets. He buried his face into it, trying to inhale the smell. No matter how hard he tried, there were no traces of Chanyeol. He wondered when was the last time they slept together on this bed, when was the last time Chanyeol had cuddled him to sleep here. Even the bedsheets didn't remember the smell of Chanyeol's body.  That night, Baekhyun couldn’t fall asleep no matter how hard he tried. The first thing he did the next day was fixing his paintbrush with adhesive. He didn’t go to university. He instead decided to study for the first time in days. Something other than painting like usual. He didn't feel like using his paintbrushes to paint again for a while. It didn't feel right. Not now. The moment is not right, he felt. It was in the evening when he decided to go out. Even though he was in Seoul for the last two and a half years, city life was so hard for him. Too many buildings.Too many roads.Too many people.
And too many emotions. In the night’s glory, the whole city was lit up with colourful lights. He was able to find the bus, it was too crowded. Buses were generally swarming at this hour. He didn’t like it even a bit. Especially when Chanyeol was not around. The streets of Hongdae felt alive. Music, the hustle and bustle of people walking alongside him. The smell of delicious foods cooked by street vendors. Some young boys and girls giving out the fliers of their shops, inviting the people. Baekhyun noticed it all, without making any kind of noise. He kept on walking until he reached a certain café. The one Chanyeol had brought him to a number of times. Baekhyun didn’t order the usual food he used to ask for here. He found himself eating Chanyeol’s favourite meal, the one Chanyeol had asked him to try infinite times, but he never did. As it contained cucumbers. Cucumber left a weird taste in his mouth. But he still felt satisfied. It felt almost as if Chanyeol was with him. Was good enough. Enough for now. Till his beloved had returned home.He was almost done eating when a weird idea occurred in his mind. He picked up a piece of cucumber by his chopsticks and posed for a selfie, his mouth slightly opened.Was this how people take photos? Or perhaps – was he supposed to smile? He stretched his lips a little to try it, but he just looked too awkward. In the end, he took a picture, an extremely gawky picture and sent it to Chanyeol, without any words.  A week had passed but Chanyeol’s ‘a while’ didn’t end. He didn’t return. He didn’t reply to the picture Baekhyun had sent him either. He left it seen. But Baekhyun didn’t force him. He gave Chanyeol all the space he asked him for. Getting a site of Chanyeol was impossible at university. The boy was never seen on grounds anymore. He wasn’t on the bus stop either, as he no longer needed it. The way to Chanyeol’s mother’s house was in the other direction.But still, Baekhyun hoped.He hoped to cross paths with Chanyeol. Any place would do. Any time is fine. The university. The bus stop. The crowded subway. That café. Their apartment. During the darkest hours of the night time, in his deepest dreams, just to see him. Somewhere. Somehow. Just once. Baekhyun had become more self-aware of his surroundings. Just in the hope to get a glance of his boyfriend. If Chanyeol still considered him so.
It wasn’t until a month after that day of their separation when Baekhyun saw Chanyeol in the university’s library. He was sitting alone, his eyes unhappy and lacked the usual warmth that they radiated, the one Baekhyun always yearned for. Chanyeol’s gaze was fixated on a book, there were lines formed on his forehead as he burrowed his eyes in the book. Baekhyun kept watching him through the bookshelf for the next few minutes until he noticed Chanyeol raising his head in his direction. He immediately ducked down, dropping a book or two in the process. Sneaking was never his forte. But why was he even hiding? For what? He didn’t know whether he was hiding to give Chanyeol the time he asked for or protect himself from what Chanyeol might just say to him next. “Did Chanyeol try playing baseball again?” Baekhyun asked Jongin one fine evening. It was colder now. The month of November had arrived. The air was chilly now. Too cold for Baekhyun to deal with. “Did he visit the doctor?” Another question.“Doctor, yes... Baseball? Ah… not now,” Jongin finally said. He seated next to Baekhyun on the bench. Still waiting for the bus. “To tell you the truth, even I don’t get to see him much, like before. He doesn’t come to practice at all. Says he is busy with assignments. Finals are coming soon too.”“Oh... I see,” Baekhyun sighed.“Why don’t you go and talk to him face to face?” Jongin suggested. He was already tired of seeing them two apart. Even though he had thought it was better for them to break up. He realized how he was wrong. Seeing them apart was much worse.Baekhyun shook his head. “It is not that simple. He needs space. Perhaps I do too. Talking now might just worsen up everything.” “I guess you’re right.”That night, Baekhyun slept on Chanyeol’s bed instead of his own. When he lied on Chanyeol’s bed and closed his eyes, it felt like Chanyeol was there. Hugging him and keeping warm.He slept peacefully for the first time since that day. It was the 27th of November. Chanyeol had come back once, when Baekhyun was still in University, just to take a few of his clothes and his remaining books. His baseball set still left untouched.  Baekhyun grabbed his keys, he waited so much. Yet there was no response from Chanyeol. It was midnight and he found himself sitting at the bus stop. Gangnam was an hour away. He waited for half an hour, the bus he needed didn’t come. At the end he just decided to go back. Baekhyun stopped at a twenty-four-seven shop and bought a cupcake. He got a weird look from the shopkeeper. Who had the urge to eat a cupcake after midnight anyway?He didn’t exchange any words, just bowed a little to show gratitude and waltzed out of the store. He sent a picture of a cupcake with a small candle lit to Chanyeol that night. It was colder in December now. Just a month was left before the college to shut for preparatory leave. They had exams in February. His farewell too. Baekhyun wore warmer clothes. Layers of warmth covering his body, he was covered from head to toe. A beanie covering his head and ears, mittens protecting his delicate hands, a warm woolen muffler safely wrapped around his neck. Those clothes were enough to keep his body warm but he wondered how he would warm up his heart this winter, it felt colder than usual. Without him.Baekhyun’s juniors had thrown him a grand party. Not only a farewell one, but also a congratulatory party for being selected for the scholarship along with the three other students. Baekhyun was just glad that Kyungsoo would go with him. He received so much of warmth and love from his class.No matter how hard he tried, he could not smile even that day.The day he had his farewell, the department of business management administration had it too, the one Chanyeol was student of. Baekhyun’s department decided to take the rooftop for the party whereas Chanyeol’s department chose the music hall. There weren’t many students in Baekhyun’s class party. It ended shortly too. Some of the students of his class decided to go out for a celebration after college too. But Baekhyun declined politely. Kyungsoo joined the rest of the students after making sure that Baekhyun was okay with it.He was left alone. He stayed on the rooftop for an hour. It got colder. Baekhyun wondered when it would snow this winter. Only when it got too chilly, he made his way out. The loud music however, caught his attention and he found himself walking towards the hall. He stood at the entrance, observing everyone there. His eyes searching for Chanyeol. It wasn’t long enough until Baekhyun found Chanyeol. He was surrounded by so many students that it was hard to find him at first, but his height made him visible in the crowd.The Chanyeol today looked so different. A lot different than the Chanyeol Baekhyun was seeing a couple of months ago.This Chanyeol was smiling. The smile this Chanyeol had didn’t look forced or fake. This Chanyeol was smiling a beautiful smile, a natural one. A bit silly and childish this Chanyeol was. Doing funny moves along with the music, jumping here and there, his hands up in the air, singing along the songs. This Chanyeol was happy.Baekhyun never wanted the picture of this Chanyeol fade away from his memory. So he kept looking at this Chanyeol, hiding behind the door. Afraid to be caught.
Only if the eyes could draw, then Baekhyun would have drawn a thousand of pictures of this Chanyeol on canvas.If Baekhyun were to choose between the day when Chanyeol last talked to him with this day, he would love to keep this Chanyeol as his last memory.Baekhyun smiled today for the first time since that day passed. December was ending but Chanyeol didn’t come back. The landlady told Baekhyun he would be getting a new neighbour as Chanyeol already emptied his apartment.  In the last six months, Chanyeol did improve, his mental health recovered everyday more and more, but still he could not bring himself to see Baekhyun. And this time, it wasn’t because of what he thought. It wasn’t the fear of Baekhyun leaving him behind or falling out of love with him. It was the antithesis of the situation he had in his mind all this time. By February he was okay with the idea of Baekhyun leaving him. His heart ached less too, it was almost as if he fall out of love-Or so he thought.  “So why did you want to see me?” Doctor Zhang asked. “I wanted to ask about Chanyeol. Any improvement? I just wanted to know...” The month of February was on the verge of its end. Baekhyun’s exams went well. He was supposed to leave in two days but his heart didn’t feel like going just like that.Even if Chanyeol still didn’t want to see him, he needed to at least hear about him from someone.His answer made the doctor chuckle. He was fidgeting with his paintbrush in his hands, feeling a little conscious. “I thought you’re here for yourself. Chanyeol still didn’t start playing. But his depression... it has been seven months since he is visiting me. He showed a lot of improvement. I think we can even work on his baseball practice in a week or two.”
Baekhyun heaved a sigh. It was a good news. “Can you do me a favour?” Baekhyun asked and the doctor raised a brow. “I don’t fix relationships. It’s not a dating counselling session,” Zhang warned.“That’s not it – I have something for Chanyeol... can you please give it to him when he starts playing baseball again?” Baekhyun pleaded, his eyes had hopes and the doctor didn’t have a heart to reject.“O – kay. Will do. Anything else?” “No, nothing. That’s all. I’m putting my trust in you. Please, take care of my Yeol.”Baekhyun left a carton box on the table before leaving. It was finally his day to leave.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Baekhyun had left everything important, and everything they restrained him from leaving Korea, and Chanyeol in that particular box. All the precious memories that signified his love with Chanyeol, all his paintings of Chanyeol and even his paintbrushes. Those paintbrushes were a present, the one he received at a tender age of 13 from his mentor, his first friend, and his first love, even if there was an age difference of 7 years, Baekhyun had really liked that guy. He was the first one who introduced Baekhyun to the world of colors, and made him an artist, just like him.Baekhyun never got to confess his feelings, by the time he grew old, his mentor grew old too, and eventually got married to a girl he was dating for two years.Those paintbrushes were the only memory left of him with Baekhyun now, even though he could not use them, they were too old, the bristles damaged, but Baekhyun had kept it with him in all the times he felt afraid, or the times he panicked, it had always the magic of calming him down and feel home, those brushes were the only thing that made Baekhyun feel safe, that’s why he was never ready to throw them off.But Baekhyun had now decided to let everything go and be a free person, love that binds you isn’t love, after all, if Chanyeol and he were meant to be, then they will find their way back together somewhere in time, but not just today, this time wasn’t right, he needed to be a better person, and Chanyeol needed to set his own mind too. He took the first cab he found on the road to the airport. Looking outside the window felt too nostalgic, he couldn’t believe he was finally leaving everything behind and do what he wanted to the most in life, and still, he could not be fully happy about it, only if he could… see Chanyeol once. Then maybe, maybe it would provide him enough strength to survive in a foreign country for two years.Baekhyun sighed, pressing his head against the glass window, his hands were now deeply buried in his coat pockets, and something under his fingers crushed and curled, he drew the thing out and looked at it weirdly, feeling confused. And then he remembered, it was that one thing Baekhyun had forgotten to put inside the box, and he couldn't just throw it away, he still wanted to believe in it and hope.It was a ticket - to the theatre drama, the one Baekhyun remembered mentioning once to Chanyeol, the date Chanyeol wanted to go with him that day but he said he had work. Had Chanyeol planned the whole date that day already and put it in his drawing book to surprise him? Why didn’t he go? There was no point in regretting it now.  “So you won’t even see him off?” Jongin had asked Chanyeol a couple of days ago on a phone call, “he is leaving in a few days you know? Just don’t… don’t regret not seeing him for one last time!”Chanyeol confidently told Jongin and tried his best to convince him that he won’t regret not seeing Baekhyun once before he leaves, or was he just convincing himself? Chanyeol had no idea by now.And that’s why Chanyeol found himself standing at the Incheon airport on the day of Baekhyun’s departure. He checked for the flight timing for Japan and looked for Baekhyun in the waiting area. Why was it so hard to find Baekhuyun now? In the past, whenever he tried to look for him in college or anywhere else, he was always able to find Baekhyun in a heartbeat. Doctor zhang had called him yesterday, saying he had something important to talk about, he needed to see him too, but not today, whatever he had to tell Chanyeol could wait a little more. The scheduled time was coming closer, and the people were already going through security checking, Chanyeol had to hurry. He considered asking people on the airport, “excuse me, have you seen a boy this tall,” he made a hand gesture, he was already out of his breath by now, “he got a small face and he is around my age.”The woman he asked shook her head in denial, and walked away, she was probably late too and had no time to chit chat with Chanyeol. Chanyeol next asked a couple of more people before getting tired and sitting on a bench, next to him was a middle-aged woman with a 10-year-old kid, “excuse me have you seen     ”Before Chanyeol could complete his sentence, he saw the silhouette of a boy, his back facing Chanyeol, now standing in the row of security checking, waiting anxiously, and Chanyeol had no doubt it was Baekhyun.He had no time, Baekhyun was already going, it won’t even be a minute before Baekhyun left the place, so Chanyeol did what he found right to do. He took out a piece of paper from his pocket and turned to the kid sitting beside him, “hey - young man, can you please do me a favour?” he asked earnestly. The boy nodded, and Chanyeol thrust the thing in his hand, “do you see that line?” The kid nodded again. “Give it to the prettiest hyung you see there, okay?”
The child nodded once again before running off.He arrived just in time, tugging the coat of the said man and placed the thing in his hand before running away again.Baekhyun stood there momentarily, a bit confused. “Don’t stand there, keep moving!” The security guard warned him. And then he turned around regardless, looking for the source of the sender, but to no avail, “stop wasting our time, boy! We don’t have the whole day here.”He stuffed the paper inside his coat’s pocket, to where it belonged, and left, it was finally the time to leave. And he had no regrets at all. His coat had now two tickets, to the same show, the same theatre drama, and at the back of them, the plain side, both of them had matching handwritings        of Chanyeol with different dates.    
July 13th, 2018

To the one I love,
I wanna grow old with you
    
March 2nd, 2019

To the one I can't unlove,
I still wanna grow old with you

So if you wanna grow old with me too,
Wait for me while I’m waiting for you