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The hot Arizona breeze hit my face like a giant wall of smoke, making my next breath almost painful to suck in. I rolled up my windows and hopped out of my truck. Man, it's gonna be hard to get used to this climate all over again. I walked around the tailgate, unlatched it and let it drop. Boxes were piled up in the back and inside the cab. I took everything I could fit from my old life and bailed first chance I got.I turned and leaned against the tailgate and admired the house for a second. This was my childhood home, the place I grew up. I got lucky and found an opportunity to buy it back after the liquidation and have been sitting on it ever since, only hoping I could make it back out here to turn it into a home again.I groaned as I stood back up and headed up to the house, unlocked the door, and hesitated before stepping inside. It was like a wild fever dream, I was immediately greeted with the familiar smell of cigarettes and coffee beans. I didn't remember all my childhood, on account of my head injury from the wreak, but I remembered my parents.My mind raced with images of my life in this house. My dad had been a dedicated smoker, and my mom always loved making her bizarre coffee creations. The kitchen was always messy. Cluttered with dirty dishes, empty liquor bottles, and coffee grounds spilled everywhere. Yet my mom would still take time to make me my favorite drink. I could almost taste the hot, creamy, rich cocoa with her signature latte art on top.My dad would usually be sitting on the couch whenever he wasn't working and we sink into the old worn in fabric would drink the hot chocolates together. It was really the only time that I would hang out with them. It wasn't the greatest childhood but I couldn't complain, other kids probably had it worse.The house was primarily empty from the estate sales I'm sure my mother's friends helped out with. All that remained were a few shaggy looking couches and anything that was directly attached to the house. Good enough for me, I thought.These last few years had been rough on me. I moved around a few dozen times, occasionally crossing state lines just to be safe. I was young and stupid and made one too many mistakes and it ended up ruining my life. But now I was on the right track to fix everything and what a relief it was. This had been the town I grew up in before everything spiraled out of control.I rested against the back of the couch and admired the space. This home was monstrous compared to my last house... if you could even call it that. It was an open concept, barely any walls at all. Doorways were replaced with archways to make it seem even more spacious. It was a cutesy and homey feeling, it definitely had a lot of character, or maybe I was just biased. I sighed contently and headed back out to my truck to start unloading the boxes. As I started to pile up some boxes, I heard someone shout from the next-door driveway."Hey!"A cheerful voice boomed out and echoed off the other houses in the cul de sac. The neighbor started walking over to me. He was tall and bulky and had blonde hair that was greased and combed back. He had a slight beard growing and a friendly face. He smiled and rushed over now to catch the toppling boxes."You must be the new neighbor! I'm glad someone finally bought this house, it's been vacant for years!" He boomed out once again."Yeah, I suppose I am." I pushed out an awkward laugh and struggled to set down the boxes I had carefully stacked so high in my arms."Let me get those for you," He started as he easily lifted them out of my grasp."Oh my gosh thank you!" I stuttered out, rubbing the dents the edges had made in my arms."Let me help you get these boxes moved in!""That's so kind! Thank you so much!" I smiled sheepishly at him, extremely grateful to not have to lift all the boxes myself anymore but not exactly wanting to start an entire conversation about it. We carried a few loads of boxes and set them in my bare living room."I'm Jared by the way," He smiled and paused for a second, seemingly inspecting me. "I'm sorry you just, you look so familiar." He chuckled."Oh well, maybe I just have one of those faces you know?" I forced out an awkward laugh, "Um, I'm Clara." I smiled and outstretched a hand."Clara, Clara Greyson??" His face completely changed, he looked like a bewildered child for a moment before pulling me into a giant bear hug. I immediately tensed up and froze. What the hell? Who is this guy? Should I remember him?"Oh my god! I haven't seen you in years! What happened to you?" He pulled away finally and looked at me with a serious face."I um, I'm sorry. I don't remember a lot of my childhood... I have huge gaps in my memory from an accident." I looked up at him apologetically. "I'm sorry I probably should be more prepared to run into people from my past but I'm not.." I laughed awkwardly, stumbling over my words trying to find the right way to say I had no idea who this guy was."So, you don't know who I am?" I saw his face fall from the excited childlike expression to pure disappointment."I don't, sorry" I'm sure I gave him a guilty smile. I had no idea what to do in this situation. I'd been here only a few times before when old friends of my mom would approach me and I always handled it with my usual awkward idiot ways."Wait so, the accident... like the one that..." He fumbled over his words as his voice got lower. "Like... the accident?""Umm, Yeah." I fidgeted with my hands awkwardly for a moment, not knowing how to change the subject. I was not ready to jump back into my old life this quickly."Well, you've gotta remember John!? Right?" He said a little louder now, looking up at me. His childlike expression now back on his face. I shrugged and shook my head."You'll remember him if you see him, you should come over and say hi, I know he would LOVE to see you again!" The look on his face was one that I didn't quite understand, but I had a panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Although I was grateful the topic wasn't about my dead parents anymore, I'm not sure if this is any better."I... I don't know, the name doesn't sound familiar."What would make this John guy any different? I just told him I didn't remember my childhood. I hoped it wasn't one of my many infamous ex-boyfriends, I had had enough with dating and certainly wasn't in any mood to rehash the past with an ex, especially a past I don't remember."C'mon, just stop in and say hi."I gave in and shrugged. What was the worst that could happen?
...You know what...
Yeah, too many worst case scenarios to even focus on.☽☽☽The garage was open as was the front door, which I found a little odd. I suppose they're just really social people. Before we even entered the house I could hear the sounds of a beautiful old traditional piano reverberating off the walls and out the open doorway. The song had a soft acoustic melody. There was a voice adjoining the notes, it was soft with a slight breathy squeak between lines. It was raspy and rough, yet gentle and quiet, and had a slight accent. I immediately felt a sense of safety and I could almost recognize the voice. As we entered the house the lyrics became easier to make out""The ship got lost,
The tides they tossed,
And as we watched,
Our vessel sank,
We wanted more,
Not sure what for,
What we explore,
Is what we'll take.""Sorry, he's rehearsing a song he hasn't played in a while... I guess I should remind you were in a band huh? Weird." Jared smiled sheepishly "He's just gonna flip when he sees you."I felt a sudden lump of panic rise in my throat, I couldn't even process all the information coming at me since my heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my throat."We found a beach,
We lost our sleeves,
We slept in trees,
The fire burned.""John! We have a guest!" Jared's voice boomed throughout the house, causing me to flinch slightly.I heard the sound of wood scraping against tile and grout lines then gentle footsteps walking towards us. It was almost eerie the way the houses here made sound travel."Who is it?" John answered as he walked through the hall toward us.
God his voice was like cake batter, it made me feel so small when he spoke."Just come see," Jared laughed out.Finally, John appeared and God he was attractive. He was wearing a fitted denim button-down shirt and dark blue jeans, rolled up at the bottoms just above his leather boots. He had piercing green eyes and dirty blond hair that was lazily tossed back as if he ran a hand through it to style it. He leaned against the wall and was looking lazily at Jared. He looked so cool, I didn't think he had seen me yet. Once he looked over at me his entire demeanor changed in an instant. He perked up and his half-lidded eyes were now bright and wide as if he'd seen a ghost. He inhaled sharply and muttered my name under his breath as if he didn't believe he was saying it. For some strange reason, my name coming from his mouth put me at ease a little as if it belonged there. I awkwardly shuffled and fidgeted with my hands."Um, Hi!" I said a little louder than I wanted to.My nerves were so bad around new people. And this situation definitely wasn't better. I had no idea how to react when I was meeting them for the first time, but they seemed to be greeting an old friend they hadn't seen in years. Although I'd done this before, it never got easier. And re-meeting family friends was a lot different than meeting what I assumed had been my friends. I began regretting even coming back at all, I knew I would have to face my past, but I didn't think it would happen this soon. I felt so guilty for not remembering them, why did I feel this way?John just stayed in a shocked silence, probably wondering why I greeted him as a stranger, they always did. And as if reading my mind, or probably my awkward shifting, Jared spoke up."So John, Clara has, well, a memory problem. She doesn't really remember a whole lot about her childhood so-" I could see from Jared's face he was really trying to help me out, and something about the side glance he gave me told me John wasn't going to take this as well as he had."Wh- what, wait so... you don't remember us? Or me?" John scoffed.
I cringed a little at his tone, I really didn't do well when people got mad at me."I'm sorry," I shrugged sheepishly "It's really nothing personal, I just, I had an accident, and I was under a lot of stress, and I think my brain just couldn't handle it." I was rambling. My therapist had done a much better job of explaining that then I just did, I thought. My eyes shot down to my feet, watching them shuffle with discomfort. My stomach was in knots and I wanted to go back home and spend the day organizing and unpacking or some sort of tedious and monotonous task. Not crossing burned bridges and making connections. This was dangerous.I finally looked back up at John. He was chewing on his lip and looking down at his feet as well. He resumed leaning against the wall, he looked so vague, confused and hurt."So, uh- what do you remember?" He looked back up at me, his eyebrows raised with what looked like a gleam of hope."Well I- I remember growing up here. I remember I had friends, but nothing really specific comes to mind but I assume that maybe that was you guys? Um, I remember I started dating some rough guys, one in particular that ruined my life essentially," I chuckled awkwardly, then fell silent for a second. "I remember my parent's death and the crash. I remember being there when it happened but I can't remember what happened or very much after that." Why was I telling them all of this freely? I felt a hand on my back, then an arm wrap around me. I looked up and Jared gave me a sad smile."It's okay, we understand, you don't have to talk about it."
I sighed deeply and smiled back."Why weren't you at the funeral."
I flinched at his now hard abrasive tone. John had a stern flat look on his face and was eyeing me down, never breaking eye contact."I-"
I was cut off immediately."John, dude what the hell, calm down she doesn't have to talk about it. She doesn't have to explain herself to us.""No, I'm sorry, she does. She up and left, didn't say anything to us, not even goodbye. Not only that she wasn't even decent enough to go to her own parents funeral. I knew she was slipping but," He turned his gaze from Jared to me, "I never thought she was slipping that low. And she owes us an explanation.""I- I don't know," I felt hot tears threatening to spill out, burning my eyes. " I just couldn't hand-" I was cut off yet again."No, don't give me that shit, you couldn't handle it? They're your parents. You were fine after the wreck, I was there.." He trailed off, his stance was rigid and tense, and his voice was loud and boomed through the whole house. "You owed it to them to go, and instead you ran out on them and us. I guess I should've expected that from you though, after all, you didn't give a fuck about anyone for the last year you were here... only yourself and your fucking boyfriend, if you could even call him that."His gaze chewed through me and spit me out. I could feel hot tears stinging my eyes. I couldn't even breathe. I bolted out and ran back inside my house, collapsing onto an empty couch, and fell apart
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Once I caught my breath and stopped crying I sat there, numb and confused. I didn't know why I reacted that way. I suppose It might've been a bit melodramatic but why would John attack me that way? And did they really know about James? Jared had been understanding about it, had I hurt John in some way? All I knew now was how big of a mistake it had been to go meet him; and that I shouldn't go back. It was always a mistake to dig up my past, I supposed I deserved it though. I should have known better than to come back home. I always fucked things up.I decided I should probably start to unpack so I could get ready for bed and end this miserable day. I checked outside and made sure the coast was clear before I finished bringing in the rest of the boxes. I began to open them all up and take all the items out. It was a nice mind-numbing task that kept me from spiraling, another thing my therapist had explained to me.First I put away all the kitchenware, making sure to take my time and organize everything so as not follow my usual habits of throwing everything out of sight just to get it done. I was just about to take my bedding box up to my room when there was a knock at the door. I groaned audibly. I figured it was the guy I sent for to come set up my TV and cable so, stupidly, I opened the door without checking and immediately regretted it.John stood before me, hands shoved into his pockets, and his demeanor was vastly different than it had been earlier. He seemed humbled and guilty. Good, I thought."Hi." He almost squeaked out."I don't know if I want to talk to you." I tried mustering up the best 'I-feel-nothing-look' that I could."I- I know, I was super out of line for snapping at you and I'm truly sorry." Those eyes could kill me if he stared too long, I thought. I had to have dated him, there's no way I could've only stayed friends with a guy that looked at me that way. I'm too weak for that.He looked down and watched the gravel on the front porch scatter as he kicked it."I brought something I'd like you to see though," He gave me a hopeful glance and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket.I stepped back, not sure if I really wanted to stay here and let him bring up more of the past he was so obviously hurt by. But he obviously took my stepping back as a 'welcome inside' gesture and entered. I sighed and shut the door after him. He continued to shuffle his fingers across several items in the wallet while quietly muttering to himself."I- I know I have no idea what you went through, or why you don't remember anything. I'm sorry that I snapped and said all those things, I'm sure you did what you did for good reasons, but I'd like to try and help you remember... If I can." He spun around on his heels and faced me, holding what looked like a well-weathered picture. He beamed at me, then looked back at the picture with a look of nostalgia. He handed it to me slowly, as if it was the most fragile and precious object he owned.The photo was of two teenagers I didn't recognize. One of them bore a resemblance to him, though this person looked young, happy, and full of hope. While the man that stood before me look sad, lonely, and weathered by the cruelty of life. What I could only assume was his younger counterpart had long shaggy hair that covered most of his face. He was grinning like an idiot and had his arm around a reluctant but happy girl. She was short and had long dark chestnut hair. She leaned into his hug but had a look of embarrassment on her face, as if she didn't want her picture taken, but had been convinced.I came to realize this girl must be me. It didn't look much like me, but it had to be. Our faces were the same but her hair was different and her face seemed softer and more kind. She looked innocent, young and happy.I sat on the armrest of the couch and looked at the photo in bewilderment. Why couldn't I remember this moment? This was a moment of my life preserved forever on this piece of paper but not in my memory. I felt so wrong. I had lived this but couldn't recall it at all. I didn't even recognize it was a photo of me at first!John was now sitting by me on the armrest, he watched me with a smile planted on his lips that made me want to melt into him. Even if he had just made me burst into anxious tears just a few hours ago, I couldn't help but feel safe with him. It was strange how drawn to him I was. He looked down at his wallet, resting in his lazy hands on his lap."I have a lot more, but I don't want to overwhelm you." His smiled changed now to one of pain."Thank you for showing me," I smiled sweetly at him. "I'm sorry I don't remember anything or if I hurt you in some way." I paused "I know I was going through a lot back then and I was probably a huge asshole." I laughed awkwardly and handed the photo back to him.His downcast look immediately perked up into that goofy grin he had in the picture."No, keep it, you need it now..." He paused. "Just don't you get lost in nostalgia." He smiled lightly "...and Clara, It's really okay. I had no right to react that way, I guess all these years without answers have made me cruel." He looked down at his wallet again. "We used to be best friends, it's been so hard to not have anyone to complain about Jared to, or go to for advice or whatever." He scratched the back of his neck and chuckled. "So, why did you leave here? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I just, I don't know it was really sudden." He looked at me with a certain sadness behind his eyes that I couldn't place."No, no it's fine, I probably do owe you an explanation." I set the picture on the sofa arm as I went to the kitchen and began brewing some tea for us, thankful that I had already gotten this room unpacked. I leaned against the counter and tried to dig up some of the memories I still had left."I remember that that years ago I was here things got really rough." I paused a felt a prickle of hesitation in my mind. "I met someone, someone that was no good for me in every sense of the phrase." I bit my lip and snuck a peek at him. He was looking at me in confusion. "This guy, he was... older than me and well he took advantage of how naive and gullible I was. I loved him for a long time but then the house of cards fell in when my parents died. I felt so guilty. I felt guilty for not telling my dad about him, and I felt guilty that I had survived and they hadn't. I couldn't bear it anymore. This man offered me comfort and I gladly fell into his arms. We ran away from this town and never looked back... until now that is." I couldn't help but keep some details to myself. For my own protection. I looked down at my feet. I could already feel myself losing more and more pieces of the story. I wished I could put a lock on them all and keep them together but I knew they were slipping away."I remember you dating someone, but you wouldn't even tell me about him, but you usually told me everything. So you eloped with an older guy? To run away from your problems?" He asked. His voice seemed soft though, not accusatory or judgemental, just pitying, I'm not sure which was worse."Yeah, I guess if that what you want to call it." I shrugged and picked up the tea of the brewer and offered it to him. He smiled slightly and accepted it, taking a sip. "I didn't really know how to handle anything..." I began to brew a second cup. He swallowed loudly and cleared his throat."So, did you actually marry him or was he just some escape?""I- I don't think I did but, who knows what that man tricked me into. I don't remember a whole lot of being with him either." I turned away and picked up the freshly brewed mug, pulling it close to me and hugging it in my hands for warmth. I stared at the dancing colors of the tea and sugar mixing together."He still around?"John's voice shook me out of my trance. I turned back to face him and tried to gather my thoughts."Uh- no, no he isn't."John smiled halfheartedly and leaned against the island. "Well, that's good. Didn't seem like he treated you well from what I saw." He looked down at his tea, "I'm really glad you're back Clara."
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After John had left for the night I found myself sitting on the sofa staring at that photograph he had left with me in hopes of "sparking a memory". I sat in silence, hoping that he would be right.Is this even a good life for me? I wondered. What if after all this work I've done to get my life back on track gets ruined by this decision to move back home? What if all that relocating and moving around with little to no paper trail ends up not being worth it in the end? What if one of these guys knows James and tips him off that I'm here? I had to stop myself. I could feel my heart rate climbing quickly and I knew if I let myself keep thinking like this I would panic.☽☽☽I woke up to the sound of screams. Shards of glass and metal surrounded me, the smell of gasoline and blood fills my nose and burns to breathe. I can hear the sounds of people yelling in the distance, everything seems muffled by the ringing in my head. The sirens blaring, a group of people approach me and lift me onto a stretcher, and began asking me tons of questions, none of which I have the answers to, or even the ability to answer right now. As they carry me to the ambulance I feel the weight of my body smashing the glass bits that had already cut into me, deeper into my skin. I'm too weak to even flinch at this point. I watch the ground beneath me as I'm carried away, suddenly two tattered leather boots appear, jogging beside me. I suddenly feel at ease as I reach for his hand and he takes it and squeezes lightly whispering a quiet 'I love you' before I'm lifted into the truck.☽☽☽I jolt upright. I'm still on the couch, the sun burning my eyes as I regain a sense of my surroundings. I squeeze them shut and try to comprehend what just happened.After getting ready for the day and washing off the nervous sweat from my dream, I decide that unpacking would be the best thing to do right now to take my mind off everything. I had hopes of finishing last night but with the sudden slaps from my past, that obviously didn't happen. I make a cup of tea and begin.About four hours later I finally finish and the house was finally resembling a home. All my tapestries were hung and artwork or small nick nacks spotted every wall and tabletop. My bedroom was finally made up and it all just felt so cozy and inviting...I was just about to sit when I remembered that I had little to no groceries here. I heaved a big sigh and stood back up. I went upstairs and changed out of my 'around the house' clothes to a tattered, old Tom Petty T-shirt, jeans rolled up a bit at the ankle, and black chucks. I tied my long lavender hair into a high ponytail, straightened out my bangs, and headed out.☽☽☽I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when I ran into yet another person I 'used to know' at the supermarket. I was walking down the frozen dinner aisle, shivering a little from the refrigeration, when I saw John and some guy walking up the aisle in front of me. John was looking just as nice as he had when I met him. He was in a white T-shirt and leather jacket, and he had on a cute beanie, covering his messy locks. The guy he was with somewhat resembled him but looked more scruffy. He was a little shorter and had more noticeable facial hair than John's chin patch. He was the first to notice me, giving me a side glance and then double taking. I tried to look away and act like I hadn't noticed them, hoping they would just continue with their shopping and I could escape without another awkward encounter. The man walking with John nudged him roughly and whispered something about me while pointing. How inconspicuous. I tried to act extremely interested in the shelf of frozen peas."Clara!" His voice always hit me like a ton of bricks. I spun around on my heels and tried to look surprised to see him."Oh, hey!" I put on a fake smile, I wasn't irritated to see him, but I was just so burned out from meeting people and disappointing them with my lack of memory. Though, his friend was kind of cute, not as cute as John himself but, still cute.John paused for a moment and looked down at my shirt, the look on his face was one I couldn't quite place, either confusion or disappointment. Maybe both."Cool, shirt." He chuckled softly, glancing down at his shoes as if they might hold an answer to a question I couldn't quite hear. "Um, hey this is Kennedy. He's in our band as well." He smiled and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Kennedy didn't waste any time with me."God Clara you've changed so much!" He hugged me tightly and took me by surprise. "Have you always been this gorgeous?" He laughed when he let go, gently running his hand through my hair, admiring the new color. I chuckled awkwardly, rubbed the back of my neck, and pulled away slightly not knowing what to say. I looked over to John for help and he was just glaring deeply at Kennedy. He cleared his throat."Kennedy..." John gave him a look but he didn't seem to care and just continued to give me a flirtatious smile."So what are you guys up to today?" I quickly changed the subject, compliments always made me feel uncomfortable."We're just picking up some snacks for practice tonight. Has John invited you? You should totally stop by, it'll be just like old times, and you can see everyone again." Kennedy beamed. John sighed at Kennedy's obvious obliviousness to my memory, shrugged at me, then looked down awkwardly at his phone."Uh... yeah sure, why not." I wanted to make up some excuse but my desire to escape this interaction was stronger. "I should get this all home soon though," I gestured to all the frozen items in my cart. "But maybe I'll stop by tonight." We said our goodbyes, and I continued to shop, being extra cautious to not run into them again.I figured if I'm gonna jump right in and unearth my entire past tonight I might as well get drunk, so I dropped by the liquor aisle after finishing the rest of my shopping. I grabbed a couple handles of vodka and a bottle of wine, purchased everything and headed home.☽☽☽Once I got everything put away I collapsed onto the couch with the bottle of wine. I flipped on the tv and started drinking. I figured I'd wait as long as I could before heading over, being around all of them made me so uncomfortable, and drinking would definitely help me cope with it all.Around 7:30 I decided to head over. I walked as leisurely as possible over to the house, I really wasn't in the mood to converse with everyone. Maybe it would be good for me to let in some people from my past? Maybe it would help fill some of the empty space in my memories.The same guy that looked strangely similar to John answered the door. He had a huge grin plastered on his face once he saw me."Clara's here!!!" He shouted. Noise erupted from the basement as Kennedy stood aside to let me in. His boozy breath being blown in my face was a quick cue as to who to avoid most tonight. I smiled awkwardly as I entered the house. When I got to the basement I understood where all the noise had come from. Amps and guitars littered the room, a drum set was shoved into the corner of the room and there was a small bar by the stairway that was crowded with guys. I immediately felt out of place. Jared was the first to spot me coming down and greeted me."Clara! Hey, glad you could make it! Do you want a drink?" He seemed genuinely happy to see me with his big goofy grin."Yeah whatever you guys are having." I smiled and tried not to act as uncomfortable as I felt."Comin' right up!" He rushed over to the mini bar where John sat next to a few other guys. He took what looked like a decanter of whiskey from John's grasp and poured it into a glass, along with some coke. He came back quickly and handed it to me."Thanks." I chuckled. "Looks like John had quite the hold on that whiskey?""Oh, yeah don't mind him, he's in a sort of mood tonight. Not sure why." Jared shrugged and smiled leading me to the couch. We sat down and both took a drink."So, hows your first few days back been?" He asked."They've been alright, pretty uneventful compared to what I'm used to. Not that I'm complaining or anything." I smiled."Well, we're glad you're back." He grinned once again and took another sip. His cheeks reddening from the whiskey. "I think we're about to start, just uh make yourself comfortable and there are snacks over there or whatever." He slurred slightly standing up and watching the rest of the guys head over to the instruments. I nodded and stood, pausing for a second to finish my drink, then walked over to the bar where John had been sitting. I poured another drink, just straight whiskey with ice, and sat.They started practice with some tuning of instruments, which didn't sound particularly great seeing as how most of them were pretty buzzed by now. I laughed lightly, not knowing how this would sound. John and Jared spoke quietly for a second before beginning the song. It started out with an upbeat rhythm, yet it was still soft and mellow. Their sound was somewhere in the middle of indie, folk, and rock. "Here's to now,And to nothing else,In a crowd,All by yourself,To the lows and every high,The hellos and the goodbyes,In this moment I could die with you,"John's voice filled every inch of the room, it was gravelly and rough. It sounded totally different from when I had heard him sing yesterday. The whiskey definitely changed the sound of his voice, but it surprisingly worked in their favor. When they explained they were in a band, I knew they couldn't be too bad on account of how nicely John sang, but I didn't know they would be this good.☽☽☽The guys played two more songs afterward, but eventually quit since everyone was so buzzed. Jared came back over to me and we talked for a minute."Oh fuck, Clara, you probably don't know who half these people are, do you?" I laughed at his sudden increase in volume and shook my head. "Oh shit okay, well obviously I'm Jared..." He beamed as he lay his flat palm against his chest, causing a loud unsavory snort to escape me. "...And we used to be best friends." He laughed slightly. "And that," He pointed to a small skinny guy with long brown hair seated furthest away at the bar. "That's Pat, you guys used to be super close too..." Pat looked up at us and waved energetically. I smiled and gave a wave back."I'm really glad you're back Clara. Hopefully, we'll be close again." He smiled a sweet childlike grin before returning to his conversation."And I believe you already met Kennedy, and then there's Garrett." He gestured to a guy across the room with mid-length dirty blonde hair and a very punk rock aesthetic. I waved at him too before Jared and I turned again to face our drinks. I slammed mine, feeling a little too sober for all this. He laughed and followed suit."I think I'm gonna get some air." I leaned in and said. Jared nodded as I got up and headed outside.☽☽☽The basement had a connecting patio area beyond the sliding doors. String lights illuminated the railing and surrounding landscape. Sounds of distant crickets and coyotes filled the silence and the air smelled fresh and crisp. I walked out and leaned against the railing."Little stuffy huh?" John's voice was soft and raspy, he let out a small cough and walked over to me, handing me what smelled like a spliff. I laughed lightly and took it, inhaling slowly, and handing it back.I blew out the smoke and coughed lightly. "So this is what the old days were like?""Suppose so, though we usually don't get this crazy unless were celebrating. Which I guess we are tonight." The small LED lights fell onto his face and showed his big soft smile. His hair was tousled by a slight breeze blowing through. His cheeks and nose were flushed and his eyes looked tired but happy. I smiled down at the wooden deck below us."I don't know why I ever would have left this place, it seems like paradise." The smile on my face fell as I thought of all the great times I had missed out on."Who knows man, we were young and stupid." His voice was almost a whisper, I could tell he was just saying things to make me feel better, but the way he looked down at the ground the way I did, told me he felt the same. We stood there for a while in silence, sharing a blunt and seemingly both wishing things had been different."I guess we should go back in." He coughed out."I suppose so..."We walked back in and everyone seemed louder than ever. I looked over and saw Kennedy attempting to climb onto the bar stool next to Pat and grab everyone's attention."SHH SHH EVERYBODY! I just wanna make a toast..."
Oh god.
"...To Clara. We all missed you and we're really glad to have you back." His words slurred just a bit, but the sentiment made me smile. This felt like home. Even though I hardly knew these people, they all seemed to care so much about each other, it was like a mini-family and that is exactly what I needed right now. Maybe moving back would really set my life back on track. We all raised our glasses and took a drink.
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His glazed over eyes bore into me with rage, his jaw twitching and hands shaking as he sat on the cold tile floor. His extended arm rested on his knee, as the other was collapsed beside him. A few small beads of blood spotted his arm and more was smeared onto the edge of the bathtub in the sweeping motion of a handprint. Glass and needles decorated the floor beside his hand.
"Oh, Clara..." His voice was breathy and broken. "I always love when you prepared my shit for me..." It seemed to shake uneasily as his hands did.
"Yeah, I'm sure..." I tried to sound brave, but the fear and anxiety bled through, I squeezed the rolling pin behind my back, urging myself to follow through.
He groaned as he untied the elastic around his arm. "Go get a goddamn rag and clean this up... I have somewhere to be." He spat, his feet struggling to get back underneath him to stand. His movements slowed by the black tar heroin now coursing through his veins.
I could feel my heart pounding. Adrenaline burned through my body as I watched him struggle and grow weaker.
Will it work? It HAS to. No one could survive that much...
I watched as he continued to struggle, his eyes now wide with panic as he realized what was happening.
"Wh- what the fuck did you do Clara..."
I stood in silence as he started to stand. His eyelids grew heavier and his breath more shallow. His legs collapsed out from under him and he slid down the side of the tub.
"You.. dumb... bitch. You are really gonna fucking regret this. You cant fucking leave." His words slurred slightly. "You think you're pretty clever don't you cunt? Overdosing me..." He gasped slightly. "I'll find you..." His voice began to trail off as he struggled to find the words to threaten me.
I inhaled sharply. The air in the room seemed as thick as setting concrete.
Do it...
Squeezing my eyes shut as hot tears streamed down my cheeks, I raised the pin above my head and swung.
☽
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☽
I shot straight up out of bed, or in this case the floor. My heart rate was skyrocketing. I fucking hated that the only times I could remember anything were in my nightmares. But then again I guess nightmares are based on fears, mine are based on reality. I shook it off quickly, as it hadn't been the first morning I had been awakened by that memory.I barely remembered anything after the toast Kennedy gave, I guess it wasn't a new sensation for me though. I hope I didn't do anything stupid... I thought. I looked down at my side, my phone lay next to me almost dead. I quickly unlocked it and checked the damage.
17 Messages
5 Missed Calls
2 Missed Voicemails
Fuck. All from Teddy. What did I do??
A day or two after I fled, I wound up in Kirkland, Washington. I posted an ad on Craigslist for a roommate, since I was trying to save up money to buy back the old house. Teddy was the first person to respond. She was a tall, sweet brunette. She had a baby face but was littered with tattoos. She was that type of girl that attracted every guy she walked past, but none of them dared disrespect her, which always made me feel safe around her.She really took me in and rescued me after I left James. We instantly clicked. She worked for a publishing company, and made a decent wage, while I worked odd jobs off and on. She was my closest friend. She helped me get back on my feet after James; helped me work on getting out of the toxic headspace I had been forced into for years, helped my confidence, and even tried setting me up with a few friends...though none had worked out. I was nowhere near ready to date back then. We had a falling out when I told her I was moving back, she thought it was the worst idea I'd ever had, and I'd had some astonishingly bad ones being the 'party girl' I was. She thought I was being reckless and stupid, she'd wanted me to stay where we knew I was safe, but I couldn't. Maybe she was right.
I 'll have to deal with that mess later.
I rubbed my face and looked around. A few guys were sleeping on the floor in various places, red cups littered the floor and the smell of booze and pizza intoxicated the air. I almost wanted to gag. Then I smelt it: warm, smokey, woody, bacon. I pulled off an old plaid blanket that was haphazardly thrown on me and stood, feeling the spins come back around. I steadied myself on the couch next to me and cursed myself for getting so wild last night.Once I made my way up the stairs, I was able to find the bathroom to clean up a bit. My hair was a disaster and my makeup was smeared to all hell. I took a damp paper towel and wiped it off, then tied my hair up with an elastic I still had on my wrist. I took a moment to inspect myself. I guess I looked presentable enough, probably better than some of the guys looked right now.I didn't remember much but I did remember that John and I seemed to hold our liquor a lot better than they did last night.I found my way to the kitchen where John stood. His back was to me and he was cooking bacon over the griddle. He wore an old tattered up black tee and some gray sweatpants, seemingly bleached from washing them wrong. I smiled and walked up to him pulling myself up onto the island behind him."Give it to me straight, how cringy was I last night?" I asked, making a grimacing face. He turned around and laughed lightly."You weren't too bad. Still the same old Clara." His eyes shot down to his bare feet with a half smile, but he seemed to be looking miles away."What does that mean?" I chuckled. "It's not like I know who the-old-Clara is you know?" I joked."Ah nothin'" He returned to the sizzling bacon. "You and Kennedy just really seem to hit it off still."
Oh no... did I hook up with him??
"Oof... don't tell me that means what I think it does...""What?" His head turned slightly in my direction. "Oh, no... no you guys just made out. I think he tried to get you to go upstairs and you freaked out a little so I made him leave." His voice was flat and empty."Oh, shit what happened? How did I freak out?" I felt a tinge of anxiety creep up into my chest, remembering how I used to panic when I lived with Teddy and how she would have to calm me down for hours upon hours."Nothing bad or anything, you just seemed anxious and told him no, but he was pretty drunk and raised his voice so I kicked him out..." He flipped the bacon, causing it to sizzle loudly enough for us both to pause. "We had it out a bit outside but he was so wasted I doubt he remembers shit." His voice was still so monotone, it was eerily familiar to the way James spoke when he was disappointed in me. I cringed slightly at the thought. John's had a soft tone to it though, he wasn't upset with me, though I still felt guilty."I'm sorry, I feel like I caused all this. I didn't mean for you guys to get into a fight.""Don't feel bad you were having fun, I'm just glad you're feeling at home again." He turned around again and gave me a soft genuine smile."You seem content this morning after all that..." I smiled back."Oh, I'm day drinking... Hair of the dog Darlin'." He picked up a glass behind him and raised it before taking a big sip. I laughed a little harder than I should. He handed me the glass and I gladly took a sip. He turned back to the griddle and shut it off, removing all the bacon to drain."Well I should call my friend back, seems I may have worried her last night." I joked and excused myself before stepping into the main entrance hallway, not knowing what to expect. I unlocked my phone, clicked on her name and it began ringing."Clara! Jesus Christ are you alright??" Her voice was loud and raspy, it sounded like she hadn't slept at all. It made my already pounding head hurt even worse."Yeah, yeah I'm alright. I don't really remember anything, but I'm all good." I admitted, shame dripping off my words."You butt-dialed me so much last night, what even happened? Where were you? All I heard was loud music and lots of talking, then it sounded like a huge fight broke out, then it sounded like you were crying.""Fuck Teddy I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you, I was alright. I guess I made out with some guy at this party and things got too heavy and he wouldn't let up, so then John stepped in. I don't really know what happened, I'm still trying to piece it together myself.""Wait, what?? Why haven't you told me about any of this? Whos John? And what dude were you making out with? Do I need to come down there?? It really sounds like you're getting back into your old routines... I mean partying? You just moved back!" She was panicking, I could tell the butt-dialed calls she had heard had to be more serious than John was letting on."I- I don't know, things are just so crazy down here man, I've barely gotten a moment to breathe. But trust me these guys aren't like that, they're not James. They're some old friends from my past." I pleaded, now aware as I spoke out loud how childish I sounded, like a teenager trying to explain her choices to her parents. It was embarrassing, I felt the blood rush to my cheeks in shame. "They're good guys Ted, really.""You mean the past you don't even remember?" She sighed loudly. "Why do you trust people so easily?" Her voice was almost a whisper, as if she wasn't really asking me, but rather just reciting an irritation to the wind. I stayed quiet. My heart pounding. I didn't know if it was anxiety from confrontation, anger, or both. "Okay well, I guess if things are really that busy I'll let you get back to it. Just... promise me you'll call tonight and fill me in? I'm starting to worry, maybe you shouldn't be down there all by yourself." Her voice was full of disappointment, I could almost see her standing in her apartment, torso leaned over the countertop and resting on her elbows, hand placed on her forehead with dismay. I internally groaned.
Why do you always do this? You cause so much disappointment. Why can't you ever just meet peoples completely reasonable expectations??
"Yes. I promise I'll call. I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say, I didn't want her to worry about me, she had done so much for me already. The last thing she needed was to be anxious about my dumbass down here in Arizona. We said our goodbyes and hung up.She was right though. I had been reckless. I came down here after escaping a horrible, psychotically cruel relationship, and I jump back into this 'old life'? Who's to say these guys were any better than James? I mean I did obviously have a pattern, and I did meet James here in this town. It didn't exactly sound like last night went super well... I decided I should probably just forget about it and get home to clear my mind."Hey, John?" I wandered back into the kitchen, my cheeks reddening at the thought of everyone overhearing my conversation with Teddy. A few of the guys were up now and chowing down on the breakfast he had made. He stood by the counter with several liquor bottles, making yet another drink.
Yikes.
"Yeah? Whats up Darlin'?" He smiled and strolled over."Um, I should probably get going. I feel weird about last night, and I think I need to just go wash off all this regret in the shower." I laughed lightly. He nodded, taking another sip."Yeah, I know how that is." he inhaled deeply, grimacing from the whiskey slightly. "Just uh, let me know if Kennedy shows up. He might only remember the good parts of last night, and I don't want him fucking with you." He stared over my head, watching the TV that played quietly in the room behind me."Okay, yeah sure. Well thanks for the party, sorry again if I did anything stupid!" I joked awkwardly. He smiled and nodded as I began to walk out and back home.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Once I was back at home I felt much more at ease. Although I had a good time, I just felt so out of place. Everyone remembered me for who I used to be, what if I couldn't live up to those expectations? I groaned audibly as I headed upstairs for a shower.☽☽☽Showering always gave me a good long time to think. As the scalding hot water burned my skin and washed away last night's mistakes, I began wondering why I came back to this damn town in the first place. Teddy was right, being down here was dangerous. If James had survived, which knowing him, and knowing my luck, he did, this would be the first place he'd come looking. And even if he wasn't alive or didn't come after me, what if I just got sucked into another toxic relationship? It wouldn't be the first time I made the same mistake twice.
No... I'm having a good time, and I'm smarter and wiser now. These boys have been nothing but wonderful to me, given the circumstances. After the initial hellos and drama of me coming back, everyone has been happy to have me around, and for once I felt at home. I wasn't lost... I was finally found. I don't know why Teddy thinks that I can't do this on my own.
I stepped out of the shower, turned off the water, and yanked the towel from the rack. I angrily scrubbed it against my hair to dry it, then wrapped it around myself. I picked up the phone and called her."Hey, that was pretty fast." She answered, her tone softer now than it had been earlier."Yeah, I went home right after, seemed kind of awkward to stay over there any longer.""So tell me everything.""I don't really know where to start, I mean, the second I pulled up I was greeted by my neighbors, and they had both been friends of mine way back when... said we all used to hang out as kids in the cul de sac. First I met this guy named Jared, he's a really sweet guy, he always makes sure to fill me in when I'm confused and don't remember something. He's the most understanding of all this... then he introduced me to John..." I paused, not knowing how much I should tell her, based on how much she overreacted earlier. "We had a-an interesting introduction, but I'd say it was probably warranted. Seems like there may have been something between us at some point but I honestly can't tell, he's pretty hard to read... but he's been really sweet since then." I paused again, thinking of how to tell her about Kennedy. Maybe leave that out for now."Oh my god, Clara... are you sure you should be talking to someone that you think you had a thing with? I mean look at 'your type'." She lectured. I nodded to myself, suddenly aware that leaving out Kennedy from the recap was a smart choice."Honestly, I don't know Teddy. I'm figuring things out again for the first time, I'm doing my best. Of course, I'm cautious, but I'm also trying to live my life again, you know? I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of staying inside, avoiding dating, and blaming myself for everything. It feels more toxic than staying with James would've been. I don't even live my life anymore, I just cower in the corners with my tail between my legs, too terrified to take chances. Anyone can be abusive, anyone can be dangerous. I know I tend to give myself a certain disposition to danger, but what's life without some risks?" I paused, suddenly aware how out of breath I was. "I'm sorry, I just feel like sometimes you don't trust me. You act like I'm a child. You took care of me and got me back on my feet, and I am forever grateful, but I also can't live in the shadows anymore." I slid down the cabinets in the bathroom and sat on the floor. "Maybe I can't do this all on my own, but I'll be damned if I don't try. I won't let him take my life away from me." My face felt hot and wet. I raised a hand and felt my cheek, I was crying. I hadn't even noticed."Fuck dude. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were feeling that way. I don't even know what to say... You're completely right." She paused, her voice was soft and quiet, I almost had to strain to hear. "I just worry about you. I know I probably overreacted this morning, but you didn't say anything after you got there, just a text that your plane landed, and that was it. I was so worried about you. I don't know these guys, I don't know that town, of course I'm gonna be worried. I just know that you're so loyal and so trusting that it became a fault for you. And if there was any good fault to have it would be those, but they do get you into a lot of trouble.""I know, but I'm working on it..." I squeaked out."Okay, well... please call me if anything happens, or you need someone to talk to or anything... okay? I miss hearing from you.""I will."We said our goodbyes once again and hung up. Although I was relieved that we settled things, I still couldn't help but feel like shit. I just wanted this to be over. The whole James bullshit. I hated that it affected me to this ridiculous extent. I wished I would've lost all memory of him, instead of my life here. I buried my face in my hands and broke down. My face was red hot and my breaths were hard to come by. Fuck I hated panic attacks. I stopped myself from thinking and starting to spiral. I took in three huge breaths and exhaled slowly between sobs.☽☽☽
"Go grab my keys for me." His voice was quiet but demanding. I stood up from the couch and went into the kitchen to grab them off the hook. James was leaving for two weeks to Japan to try and merge his company with one overseas. He had never left me before, and I had no idea what I would do with all my free time now. He didn't want me to work, he said it was more helpful to him if I were just the housewife type, and kept everything tidy for him since he paid all my bills.
I handed him the keys and stood on my tiptoes waiting for my goodbye.
"Thank you, princess." He wrapped his hand around my waist and pulled me closer, making me lose balance and lean into him. He kissed me slow and hard. I could taste the rum on his lips still from when he made his drink this morning.
"You know what to do right? Keep the house locked up, and try not to go out too much, I don't need any bad publicity when I'm trying to make this merger happen." He paused and looked down at me. His voice was soft and low and his expression was condescending, yet held a hint of a warning. I looked down at my feet.
"Yeah, I know."
"Good... I left you some money on the counter. It's enough to get you some food and anything you may need this while I'm gone." He looked down at his watch, adjusting it beneath the cuff of his grey suit. "You be good kiddo." He looked back up at me with disinterest and kissed the top of my head. "I'll be back at 2:45 next Sunday."
And with that, he was out the door.
I immediately felt the weight of the silence filling the monstrous house. Anxiety began to creep up my spine.
What do I do now?
I had never been alone here before, it felt eerie and wrong. Like at any moment, James would step back through the door and tell me I'm behind schedule, and I should have had my chores done by now. I shook off that thought and decided to get started on said chores.
...
Day One: I finished the chores for the first week already. The house is so quiet.
Day Two: I watch a few movies in bed. Today feels like a waste.
Day Three: James texts me. "Are you sticking to that diet we talked about?" I weigh myself, 90lbs.
Day Four: James texts again. "Have you finished the list I left you?" I don't answer, I nap instead. When I wake up, I have 12 missed calls from him.
Day Five and Six: I barely get out of bed.
Day Seven: James calls at 4:45 AM. I pick up. He rides me for being up so late, then berates me for not updating him the past few days. I binge eat the rest of the day, then immediately felt shitty about it.
Day Eight: I gained three pounds since he left, I call him and try to vent, he tells me it's what I deserve for being so selfish and eating so much.
Day Nine: This isn't normal.
Day Ten: He's called at 5 AM every day now. I try to talk to him about how rude he's been acting. He tells me I'm being crazy and he never called me selfish, it's just what I wanted to hear. I was just picking fights with him because I was bored and I needed to grow up. I hung up.
Day Eleven: This is
not
normal.
Day Twelve: He dictated every single aspect of my life. He told me when to wake up: when and what to eat, what to wear, what to do with my time, when to have free time, when and how to fuck, and when I can sleep. I had absolutely no free will. These days without him I was miserable because I didn't have a schedule to stick to. It was up to me what to do, and even though he gave me that freedom, he still got pissed when I didn't do it his way. He had made me completely and willingly dependant on him. I was stuck. There was no way I could leave here.
That had been his plan all along... he was doing this to fucking trap me.
☽☽☽I sobbed quietly on the bathroom floor, delusional feelings of hopelessness now returning as the cold tile gave me goosebumps and the hard dry wood of the cabinet bit into my back.The doorbell rang. Fuck just let it ring, I can't even be bothered to get out of this wet towel and get dressed right now. I walked to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed, my wet hair making me shiver. What the fuck was I even doing? I took all this time to be so careful to escape him, and I come back to the one place he's gonna come searching. Maybe I did need some help down here. I can't just keep all of this to myself. I opened up my phone and did a quick search on cheap therapies nearby, as the page loaded my screen illuminated with a call. John.
Goddamnit, I did not want to talk to him right now.
Still, I answered. Clearing my throat to make my voice seem as normal as possible, not like I'd just had a massive breakdown."Hey," I said flatly, I couldn't muster the energy to form any emotion through my words."Hey, whats up? I rang the doorbell but you didn't answer? I wanted to check in and make sure you're alright.""Why?" My flat tone threw him off, he paused for a second."- I don't know, last night was crazy, and I was pretty dead this morning. You seemed like you left in a hurry after that call with your friend or whatever. You just seemed rattled." His voice had an apologetic tone I didn't exactly trust."You didn't seem too worried when I left. And you made last night seem pretty routine. I don't really remember anything." His pause was longer now."I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act like I didn't care, I was just so hungover and honestly so pissed off at Kennedy and I didn't want it to seem like I was mad at you. And I didn't want you to worry that we let anything happen to you last night... because we didn't. The second that you seemed uncomfortable, I stepped in." He took another pause. "I know you've probably been through some rough shit since I've seen you and I didn't want anything bad to happen to you." His voice was soft and quiet, it almost had a squeaky tone to it, like he was nervous to even bring it up. "Can I come in? I just want to make sure you're okay..." The concern seemed to linger off his words."Yeah- just let me get dressed real quick, I just got out of the shower a minute ago." I hung up.I rushed to get dressed and put my hair into a quick tight bun so it could dry on its own and headed downstairs. I opened the door and gave him a light smile and stepped to the side so he could enter."Whoa- hey," A look of deep concern painted across his face. Fuck I guess I still looked like shit. He placed his hands gently on my waist and turned to face me as I shut the door. Once I met his eyes, he swooped me into a hug. "I knew something was wrong. I could feel it." He muttered against my neck, his breath making me shiver. I suddenly felt the waves of emotions hit me, like the way your eyes begin to well up when someone asks if you're alright and you know you're not. I was uncomfortable in his grasp, but I still didn't want him to let go.He pulled away and let his arm fall lightly down mine, treading his fingers along it until they met my hand and then he pulled gently, leading me to the couch. "What do you need Darlin'? What can I do?" His face had a soft look of worry on it. His demeanor was completely opposite of what it had been at the house. I wanted to just collapse into him and cry."Nothin' I'm alright." I lied, putting on my fake smile."Clara, you can talk to me. I know it feels weird, but we used to be close. We would tell each other everything." He paused a moment, gathering his thoughts. "I don't wanna pry or... push you to tell me but if you need to talk I'm here... Darlin' I saw the way you pulled away from me before you left, and you didn't say anything about this boyfriend you had. I just don't want to lose you again because you think you can't talk to me." His eyes were pleading. I looked down at my lap, at a loss for words. One of his hands was rested on my knee and his other still grasping mine."I don't know what to tell you. I'm just... having a hard time adjusting I suppose." I met his eyes once again, he had a discouraged look. I felt like I should open up more, if he was trying this hard to get me to talk, then obviously he cared. "I just don't really know where to start, I don't know what you know about me and what you haven't heard yet, I'm sure there were rumors." I looked down once again."We don't have to get into it right now if you don't want to-"I finally responded to him gasping my hand with a small squeeze of encouragement."No, no- we should do this... if we're gonna be hanging out all the time... we should get on the same page." I inhaled deeply. "Where do you want me to start?"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
☽☽☽ John's POV ☽☽☽
Her eyes met mine, they looked tired and swollen, like she had been crying. They also seemed like they held so many secrets. I could tell she wanted to tell me everything. I couldn't help but feel like deep down in her, maybe subconsciously, she remembered us; and wanted to go back to the way things had been... especially after last night on the deck, before fucking Kennedy ruined everything again."Let's start by getting you a drink." I smiled and patted her leg as I stood and walked towards the kitchen. I heard her stand and sniffle behind me. I pretended not to notice. She had always hated when I pointed out that she had been crying."I mean, yeah, I could go for a whiskey right now." She huffed out a forced chuckle."I was thinking a tea, but if that's what you need right now, I'll make it for you." I picked two glasses out of the cupboard and set them on the counter in front of me. She came around and poured the drinks. Almost immediately she picked hers up and downed it, then set it back down to pour another."Whoa whoa whoa, take it easy." I placed my hand over the rim of her cup, she looked up and met my eyes."Sorry, I'm just kind of done with today." She sighed heavily. "I just know if I'm actually gonna open up, I'm gonna need some persuasion..." her tone was serious, it was the second time she'd taken on that tone since she came back.
This guy she had been with had really done a number on her...
I felt my blood start to boil thinking of what he may have done to make her so closed off and broken."Good Ol' JD always helps me with these kinda things." She half smiled again, reverting back to her old ways and joking away the pain. She picked up the Jack Daniels bottle and eyed me for approval. I shrugged and pushed my glass next to her, she poured both drinks and we drank.She grabbed the bottle, walked back over to the couch and sat. I followed suit and sat beside her. She looked so spent. Her hazel eyes were puffy and held a damaged maroon color beneath them, half from the redness of crying, half from her hangover and a night of less than par sleep. Her silver hair was beginning to fall from her perfect tight bun and curl around her face. Her clothes were unkempt and wrinkled, she was wearing yet another one of my shirts, the 'bourbon, scotch, beer' shirt I had lost years ago, and some plaid pajama shorts. She looked up and met my gaze."What do you want to know?" She had a defeated tone about her as if she had been trying so hard to keep up this facade that she was fine and had zero baggage, but now the curtains were pulled back and her true form was revealed. She was emotionally naked and vulnerable for the first time."Everything you'll tell me." I smiled and reached up, brushing the stray hair from her face, encouraging her I was here to understand and not judge. She took another big swig, straight from the bottle this time, grimaced and closed her eyes."I honestly have been having a hard time discerning what has been a memory and what is just fiction." She pressed her lips together. "I have snippets that are starting to come back to me about what I can only guess is our time together." She looked up at me for assurance. I gently took the bottle from her and took a swig myself, feeling uncomfortable getting into the topic of our fucked relationship. "I also have memories that come and go from James. I remember most of it, but a lot of it my brain has just buried away because it was so fucked up." I inched closer to her on the sofa, not knowing what to say or how to comfort her."You don't need to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable or upset. I don't want to reopen old wounds.""No, I think it might help to talk about it." She paused again. "He was fucked up. I mean I was sixteen years old, I could barely drive properly and here comes this fuckin guy that works with my dad... to woo me." I could hear the anger and hatred in her voice now. "He was a sociopath or something, he came in and just said whatever my rebellious teenage heart needed to hear to fall for him. He was fucking twenty-eight, John." She looked up from her fidgeting hands at me. "I don't even know what I was thinking. I guess I thought I was cool dating someone so mature." She rolled her eyes. "He was really great for a while. Looking back I know there were a lot of red flags that I ignored, but I thought it was my first 'adult' relationship, I was excited."She fidgeted some more before taking back the bottle and drinking again, gasping slightly as the whiskey burned down her throat. I placed a hand on her leg, urging her that it was okay. "He really changed after my parents died. He became this gross father figure/husband. He ordered me around constantly, and if I didn't obey he would become unreasonably angry." She looked down at her hands."He got violent when he started using." Her voice was almost a whisper, I had to lean in to hear her."He did drugs?""Yeah, he would drink constantly and then shoot up..." A pause. "Heroin." She clarified. "He would make me prepare it for him... I had tried several times to escape after I realized he was fucking abusive, but he would always somehow be several steps ahead of me. He would catch me in the act and drug me up so I couldn't leave." She looked down and rubbed the crook of her arm.I felt my heart drop. I was flooded with so many emotions. He did this to her... MY Clara. I wanted to fucking kill him. I could feel my blood boil as I thought of what he did to her, how he hurt her, the other things he could have done while she was inebriated. I looked down at her and felt it all rush off me. Her shoulders quivered with the silents sobs that escaped her now. She had her head down towards her legs, tears overflowed from her eyes and dripped onto the sofa below her. My anger was now replaced by the overwhelming need to hold her, to make sure she knows I will never let anything happen to her ever again, even if it killed me, I would protect her.I scooped her up into my arms and squeezed her. I was lucky enough to know her, and know exactly what she needed in these situations. She buried her face into my shirt and sobbed. It wasn't an ugly sob that made you pity her, it was the quiet, dignified sob that broke your heart entirely. Once she moved away I released my grip. She stood, laying a gentle hand on my shoulder as her knees wobbled beneath her, and stumbled her way to the bathroom to clean up. I grabbed the bottle once again and finished it. I needed to just do it... tell her how I felt. Tell her I adored her and would go to the ends of the Earth for her and to make her happy and safe. I never wanted her to settle for anything less than what she deserved again.The whiskey burned as it went down. We were both fairly buzzed by now, so it wasn't difficult to finish off the bottle on my own. Liquid courage as they call it.She entered the room again, face newly reddened by scrubbing off her tears. She sat by me once again."I'm sorry, I really haven't told many people about this." I couldn't believe she felt the need to apologize to me for anything. I wiped away a stray tear rolling down her cheek."Thank you for telling me all that, I know it was hard for you." I glanced down at the floor and back up at her, she shrugged her shoulders in response. "Clara, I wanna be here for you. I probably did a shit job at that before, I can't help but feel guilty. I feel like if I had been there for you more, instead of worrying about dumb shit I had going on at the time, things would be different." I paused and took a breath. "You- You're the ember to my flame when it gets dark... and I love the way it feels when I'm with you, Clara..." I squeezed my eyes shut, partly because I was anxious about her reaction but mostly because I was beginning to see double. I didn't care. She needed to know. "I want you to feel like you can talk to me and confide in me. I know to you it feels like we've just met and you're opening up to a complete stranger, and I don't know how to fix it for you. I want to fix everything for you." I looked up at her. She was looking up at me with an expression I couldn't place. Her eyes were dilated and darting across my face, I wondered if she would even remember any of this tomorrow.
Fuck it.
"Darlin', when I'm with you I feel at home, and I want you to feel the same."