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As Matt walks into the kitchen it seems there’s already an argument of the day decided by the two teenage boys in his home. “Justin, we are not getting bunk beds.”“Dude come on,” Justin flails his hands as he speaks as if it helps his case in any way. “It’ll save space and we get to be even closer.” Clay rolls his eyes and swats a hand at Justin’s head. “We’re close enough as is thanks.” Not for the first time, Matt silently thanks Lainie for talking him into accepting Justin into their family. He loved mornings like this: breakfast together (even if just cereal and store bought muffins), with the kids - plural - chatting and having a laugh, and his beautiful wife smiling like she’s never been happier. He held the same sentiment. He leaned over to place a kiss on Lainie’s cheek which broadened her smile. “Good morning,” she greeted and handed him his own cup of coffee. “As you might be able to tell, we were thinking that we could go shopping for a bed for Justin later today.” Matt looked over to Justin with what Clay has deemed the Dad Smirk. “What? You don’t like sleeping on the couch all the time?” Justin just shrugged but had his own smile to show for it. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it once you get married.” This time it was Lainie that made a swat at Matt, and he briefly acknowledges who Clay takes after. “I have to go to work to finish a couple of files and Justin has a meeting to go to, so I was hoping you and Clay could spend the day beginning to clear out your office.” She requests then takes another sip of her coffee as she checks her watch. Ever since leaving the firm she’s had a lot on her plate; new demanding hours with less pay since it was a smaller company (but one with a heart this time), a new teenager to navigate the rocky road of adolescence with but this time with no pryer attachment, and the forever done damage that had been Hannah Baker along with her trials that Lainie is still trying to make up to Clay. But god bless her, Matt knows she’s doing her best for them. “Why do you need to clear out your office?” Justin crunches on another scoop of Lucky Charms as he asks the question, smiling when Clay makes a disgusted noise at the display. “For your room, son.” The smile on Justin’s face lowers. Matt figures it’s because of the terminology he had used. Justin wasn’t ready for that intimate step, that’s okay. Matt can wait. “Oh,” Justin looks down and moves the spoon in his bowl around in circles, avoiding any eye contact. “You don’t have to do that.” Lainie laughed at that and Matt smiles as she says, “Of course we do.” She brings up her hand to caress his cheek and glides her thumb across his cheekbone. Justin continues to stir his cereal, but he looks up and meets her affection with a small smile. “Okay.” They eat the rest of the breakfast in silence. Matt can’t help but notice the side eye Clay gives Justin every now and then, and he can’t help the knot that forms in the pit of his stomach on what that might mean. __________________________“Kiddo, I know it’s Saturday and you want to be lazy, but at least pretend to help.” Matt says to Clay, who has still yet to put any of the many items from the office into the box in front of him for the past hour. “You okay?” Clay picks up one of the plaques placed on the wall and studied it. Doesn’t pack it away, but at least he picked something up. “I’m fine dad,” he said while reading over the engraving, “just a little tired I guess.” Matt knows better than to buy this. “Why is it that when there’s something wrong, teenagers always blame it on sleep?” When Clay doesn’t reply he asks the question he hopes isn’t true. “You aren’t getting cold feet about the adoption are you?” “What? No!” Came the firm rejection he had hoped for. But nothing else came. Clay puts the plaque back where he found it. The box remains empty. “Talk to me buddy.” Clay runs a hand through his hair as he looks at the emptier desk that Matt had been filing through while he idly did nothing. He takes a handful of seconds to finally reveal the issue Matt knows has been bothering him all morning. What the issue itself is, is what surprises him. “Justin doesn’t want his own room.” Matt lightly laughed at that prospect. “A growing teenage boy doesn’t want his own room?” Matt questions, skeptically raising an eyebrow. “No.” “And he told you this?” Clay looks at him for the first time with knitted eyebrows. “Well no.” He fidgets with the rim of the empty box. “Then how-“ The frustrated teen quickly jumps back in. “You grade papers and stuff like that, aren’t you suppose to be able to pick up on like diction or whatever?” He looks back at the desk instead of Matt. “Justin hasn’t called it my room in a month. He says ‘our room.’ So do I, I guess. And this morning he was talking about bunk beds.” He paused like that should make his case solid, but when he sees Matt hasn’t connected the right dots he continues. “Bunk beds. Two people. He didn’t expect us to be separated.” And this makes sense to Matt. “And you’re both okay with sharing a room?” Clay starts to play with the box again, avoiding eye contact too. “Yeah. We, we have like a system that wouldn’t work otherwise so.” That was the end of the sentence but not the end of the story. Matt likes stories. “System?” “It’s weird.” “Try me.” “Sometimes we get, one of us will get a nightmare. Sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s me but either way it normally wakes the other up. And if we do then we like, we, uh,” he takes a breath, “we share the bed. Sleep back to back. Like, fully back to back so we can feel each other there. It’s a comfort thing. Knowing you’re not alone in the room.” Clay shrugs, trying to play it cool but Matt can tell he’s self conscience about the topic. “It’s not weird,” he reassures his son. “Maybe not typical, but I think we passed typical a while back.” Clay grins and nods along to that notion. “Alright, help me start putting everything back to where it was.”__________________________“How do you not know the difference between a Queen and a Twin?” “How do you not know the difference between flirting and friendly conversation?” “For the last time Sheri was not flirting.” “So how far along are we with the new room? I was hoping that we could have it all set up by the end of next week before the next social services check up.” Lainie leans into Matt on their side of the dinner booth, opting to let the little fight across the table lead it’s course. After they had gone shopping for a mattress, which took longer than expected because of the beautiful combination of Justin’s willingness to go along with whatever they suggested and Lainie’s insistence on him picking what he wanted, they decided to go out for diner to a restaurant of Justin’s picking. Matt hadn’t placed him as an Outback man, but it made sense in rectospect. He had yet to discuss with his wife what Clay had told him this afternoon while she was away. No better time than over free bread slices. “Actually I was thinking that we could move the couch out of Clay’s - the boy’s room - and that one can replace the living room one. It’s too small to fit a four people family now.” Lainie nodded along as that made sense to her. “And then we can put Justin’s bed where the couch was in the bed room.” “What? Why?” She voiced her concern over not giving Justin a comfortable living arrangement. “They should have-“ “I think that’s a good idea,
Matt.” Justin says too quickly for it not to sound like that’s exactly what he wanted. The interjection takes his soon to be mom by surprise, but she could pick up on the relief in his voice and willingness in his gestures. “Yeah, great idea dad.” Clay adds, and Matt can tell he’s sending a silent thank you his way. She nods, but wants to confirm one last time. “Are you sure you’re both okay with that?” Lainie the ever dotting mother is attentive to each boy’s reaction. “Yeah.” They say in unison and then look at each other in mild amusement. “Alright it’s settled then.” Matt makes the grand decision, though he still might have looked for Lainie’s approval on the declaration. He puts on his Dad Smirk TM. “This is good. It’s good for you to have each other’s backs.” Justin and Lainie look slightly confused by the statement but smile at the sentiment, while Clay looks like he’s about to throw a fork at him.
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They had only been in bed for twenty minutes before Clay could tell Justin had something to say. The tossing of sheets was a give away that he was restless and the every so often deeper inhale of breath was proof that it was not a nightmare like other nights. He didn’t want to probe, because obviously there was a lot on Justin’s mind right now he’d be a little more concerned if there was absolutely nothing wrong with the ex-herion addict, ex-child abuse victim, ex-best friend of a psycho teenager. “I suggested we kill you.” Of all the conversations they could have had tonight, this was not the way Clay expected any of them to go. Then again, not much has gone the way he expected it to go this year so this shouldn’t really surprise him. “Okay?” Clay answered back to the statement. He shifted in his bed so he was facing Justin in his own bed across the room. The Jensen’s had a strict rule on curfew for both Justin and Clay; at home by nine and in bed by ten, Justin followed rule to the second. Clay may have had a few close calls. And a couple saves by his not-yet-brother. Justin was laying on his back, but his head was facing the wall in the opposite direction of Clay. “No, not okay,” his voice wavered if you listened closely enough and Clay was, “when you had the tapes I hated you, wanted you to stop. When you had the tapes I suggested we get rid of you so you’d stop actually trying to do, to do something.” There was a nerve building pause. “I wanted to kill you Clay.” Now, Clay wished he could say he had stopped to process it and have this dramatic moment to take in what has really happened over the course of a year, but he said the first thing that popped into his mind when given this ‘life altering detail’: “Yeah that makes sense.”“Dude!” “What?” Clay sighed and shifted again in the bed, readjusting his position to get ready for this talk. Whatever this talk meant. “What did you want me to say? ‘No, you won’t do that.’ Because I know you would. ‘You can’t be serious!’ But I know you are because what has actually been our lives?” He could hear Justin scoff but he also made no argument. Clay let out a sigh, knowing what this sudden confession was really about. “Or maybe you expected me to flip my shit and go tell my parents to cancel the adoption tomorrow.” It hung in the air. Clay could practically feel Justin holding his breath. He thinks that Justin might be able to hear his heart thudding against his ribs. He shifts again in the bed, now looking up at the ceiling. “I always wanted a sibling.” Clay began to count the cracks in the paint job while trying not fumble over his words or fuck up his message. “I would beg my mom and dad for a little brother or sister. Someone to play with, to share things with, to help and be helped by, to have someone else in the house that understood even in the slightest way what it felt like to be a kid.” He paused listening for any indication that Justin was still awake and listen. The movement of sheets told him both that he was and that he was now looking at Clay. “It wasn’t until dad sat me down when I was like ten and explained to me that when I ask for another kid it makes mom upset because she can’t. Apparently it was some kind of miracle or something that they had me, but the chance of having another was basically none. So I stopped asking.” “Clay-“ Justin had begun to say, but he wasn’t done yet. He needs Justin to hear this before tomorrow happens. “You have done fucked up things, Justin. Some really fucked up things.” Clay heard him curse under his breath and he thinks he might have heard a sniffle. “But you are not the same person you were a year ago. None of us are. Whether that’s good or bad is up to you, but we are not the same people we started off the year as. You didn’t even want to tell Jess the truth before, but now you were willing to tell the truth for everyone to know despite what it might cost you. You wanted to kill me when I was jeopardizing the life you knew and the ones you love. Do you still want to kill me now?” Clay knows that he didn’t imagine that sniffle before as he heard Justin answer a wet, choked back “God no.” “Then I don’t think we have a problem here.” Clay finally turned his head to look towards Justin. He had his face planted in the pillow and his shoulders were visibly shaking. There was a new debate playing in Clay’s head as he watched the other boy’s chest rise and fall at a rapid rate. After closing statements, Clay made his decision and threw the blankets off himself. The floor was cold against his sweaty feet as he made the short trip over to the other bed, attempting to avoid the noisier floorboards of the room to not alert their parents that neither of them were following curfew. When he got to the bed he sat at the edge where there was still room left by Justin. The minute he tried to place a gentle hand on Justin’s shaking shoulder, the other quickly recoiled. Clay didn’t make another move for him thinking maybe he came up with the wrong verdict. Just as he was thinking of going back to his own bed and pretending this awkward attempt at bonding didn’t happen in the morning, Justin sat up and hooked an arm around Clay’s neck. He didn’t hesitate to warp an arm around Justin, coming around his ribs and up his back with a hand left in the middle of his shoulder blades. In between sobs Clay could hear Justin saying a mix of “I’m sorry”s and “Thank you”s into his shoulder. He had meant to whisper it, but judging from the tightened grip and heavier sobs Justin had heard him when he said, “Might not have been how I expected, but I got my little brother.”
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If you had asked Ryan how he was going to be spending his Friday night a year ago, he probably would have said going to a club or meeting up with someone or anything that remotely sounded thrilling. Now his definition of thrilling Friday nights means going to the school’s Volleyball Competition. He sits in the stands with Tony, Caleb, Cyrus, and somehow Scott Reed. Trust him, he knows how weird they look all smooshed together being buddy buddy but common enemy’s build the strongest friendships as he has learned. They are all there to root for Team Not Alright. He is eighty-seven percent sure that Alex came up with the name, which you know actually fits perfectly, he’s just surprised that the school allowed them to have that name. Or allowed them have a team at all, honestly. Cyrus and Tony both give a shout as the ball lands on the other side of the net after a spike by Tyler. On the court was Tyler Down, Jessica Davis, Clay Jensen, Justin Jensen (nope that’s still weird for him to think about), Courtney Crimson, Zachary Dempsey, and Sheri Holland. And after he saw the names listed off for the first time he wondered yet again how in the fresh hell they had gotten here. Signing up for the competition was Jessica’s idea, asking politely for Tyler, Sheri, Courtney and himself to be part of a team. He was the only one to decline much to her disappointment but he promised to make it up to her next time they binge RuPuals Drag Race. (He should slapped his freshman year self for ever talking shit about his wonderful Jessica Davis.) Justin and Zach she just went up to and told them they were going to be part of this team, which was a fabulous interaction that he had the pleasure of seeing. Alex and Clay weren’t even told, she signed them up without their knowledge which was good because neither of them would have agreed in the first place. They had practices every weekend for the month leading up to the actual competition, Ryan showing up for a few but left after the first couple hours they played. Tony had informed him that their latest practice ran for six hours. How Clay Jensen could exercise for that long he had no idea. He clapped as Justin saved the ball from dropping at the net and Courtney sent it back to the other side. Team Not Alright has the lead with eight points to six, and only two more minutes to go for this semi-final round against a group of freshman Gossip Girls. The star players were by far Courtney and Tyler, but Justin, Jess, Clay, and Sheri were all good (had gotten good rather) in their own respects. Unfortunately the husbands of the Team were lacking; Zach was too bulky and heavy handed, Alex no longer needed his cane but wore a knee brace which limited his movement and range. “Alex’s knee is starting to hurt.” Tony observed. Now that he mentioned it Ryan noticed how Alex is leaning more to his left and the slower movements he makes on his right side. “Is he going to make it through the match?” “You kidding? That stubborn ass will push on through the rest of the competition.” Right as he was about to respond the buzzer went off. Team Not Alright moves on to the Finals. There’s a five minute break before the last match begins, both for the team to catch a breath but more importantly so the audience can go and buy something from the bake sale right outside the gym doors. Ryan gets up and follows Tony and Cyrus down the bleachers towards the section reserved for teams only where their sweaty friends reside.Courtney and Clay are sitting side by side leaning against the others weight looking like they were about to collapse. Jess and Tyler were sharing a water bottle, more than likely they finished their first ones and Tyler offered to share his second. Instead of watching Alex hobble his way over to the group for a rest, Justin picked him up and carried him over despite some curses and threats. Zach sat with his back pressed against the metal handrail of the bleacher and Sheri was laid out across the seating with her head in his lap. “So who are we bringing to the emergency room first?” Ryan questioned and answered by a symphony of groans and moans. “You guys are doing great.” Cyrus reassures them, but Ryan sees that his eyes keep landing back on Tyler. He makes note of that to investigate later. Can never have too many gays. “My arms feel like they’re going to fall off.” Clay complains. Tony walks over to him with a water bottle in hand that he had bought during an earlier intermission. “You’re fine. Only a little more left.” “You said that when we went rock climbing too.” Clay rolled his eyes but gratefully took the water. “And you made it.” Ryan stepped over to where Sheri was laying down. “Please tell me you aren’t passed out. That’s dangerous in this school.” He makes another note that he enjoys her smile. “Liberty hasn’t killed me yet.” And it’s something about this damn buzzer that likes to interrupt conversations. This time it goes off as a warning that it’s time for the next match to start. He can’t tell if that’s another bead of sweat running down Zach’s face or a tear. As they all get back up he overhears the disagreements of teammates. “Dude, sit out if you aren’t okay.” Justin insist. “Fuck yourself Jensen, I’m fine.” Alex waves him off as he stands. Unbalanced and uneven, but he stands. Justin doesn’t say anything more. Everyone knows how to win a fight against Justin nowadays, refer to him as Jensen and he shuts right up. They don’t use it all the time because it has yet to be determined whether this was a good or bad thing. Zach had some more to say on the matter however, coming up behind Alex and grabbing onto his arm as support. “Alex, you’re just going to make it worse if you keep playing.” Alex pries his arm away just as quickly has it had been taken. “We need a minimum of eight players, Zach.” “Yeah but-“ “We’ve been practicing for a month. Everyone has been practicing, this is the first time in forever that I’ve had exercise other than fucking PT, let us have this.” He walks away before he gets an answer. Ryan walks away too. He goes back up in the stands and takes his seat next to where Tony should be. He’s probably buying another water since Ryan no longer sees him on the the gym floor. As Team Not Alright gets back into game mode the other Finalists come out on the court. It’s obvious how much Fate loves them. Team Lions is comprised of nothing but ex-baseball players, none of which are Monty or Bryce but as Ryan has stated before the only thing worse than a rapist is someone who protects them. He’s seen at least half this team palling around with either Piece of Shit before and after the truth came out. He turns to Scott. “So who are you rooting for?” “Fuck you.” “I think it’s a valid question.” Ryan presses on. Scott shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “Not them.” He sounds pissed at even the thought. That’s a sufficient enough answer for him. Scott wasn’t exactly the closest member of their ragtag family, but he was a good ally to have around. As long as he’s still on the right side of things Ryan is willing to take that answer. As both teams get into their formations, Ryan stops to appreciate Team Loins uniforms. A sleek blue jersey with each player having their individual name on it. They weren’t the only team to have matching outfits even though it wasn’t a requirement. Thank god for that considering their friends and their clothing choice. The only two that matched even a little were Clay and Justin; Clay wore a shirt that read in bold black lettering: I Was Planned, Justin wore a shirt that had the same style expect with the message: I Was An Accident. Sheri had a plain pink tank top but wore black yoga pants which earned her a handful of comments throughout the games, Clay was not enjoying that. Alex had on a t-shirt somewhat similar in style to the Jensen’s but differing in colors and font, black with gray lettering asking the very Alex question of When can I go back to bed? Tyler wore his Assholes shirt and Zach had on a tank top with the bat symbol on it that had lead to him and Clay fighting over which Batman movie was best. Jess had an old cheerleading t-shirt on and plain black shirts, the most conspicuous one out of all of them in Ryan’s opinion. When they had practiced these were the outfits they had worn opting for comfort over style, and when they discussed what to wear for the big day it was Courtney that said it might bring them luck if they wore what they always did. Ryan had thought she was joking. Apparently not. The match was starting. Tyler was first up to serve. It was clean, but it was easily countered and the war had begun. The school only gave twenty minutes for each match. It took twelve minutes for someone to get the first point. Unluckily it was Team Loins that had scored. The ball had looked as though it was going to hit the net on their side but when it somehow slipped over the top, Alex had crash landed on the ground trying to save it but he had reacted too late. Sheri helped him back up and it appeared she was reassuring him it was alright. Loins got to serve this time around. The second score came in the next five minutes, again for the Lions. They had spiked the ball in a way that seemed too deliberately to find its way to Clay’s face that it wasn’t the intention. “Oh come!” Even Ryan was a little startled by his own outcry as he took to his feet, but he felt it was well deserved. “You can’t count that! It was on purpose for fucks sake!” “Dude, calm down.” Tony pulled at his jacket to get him to sit back down. “Remember we’re laying low this year.” “First off, Tony Padilla can not and will not be the one to tell me to calm down.” Ryan scolded. “Second, us? Us laying low? That’s cute honestly. Third, that twat was aiming directly for Clay and you know it.” “Yeah he did,” Tony confirmed. “But he’s taken a lot worse.” “And it’s not like the school is going to do anything. All the asshat has to say is he didn’t mean to and he’s off the hook.” Cyrus enters the conversation with unfortunately accurate facts. “When the fuck do we graduate?” Ryan moaned. He’s had enough of bullshit like this. “Not fucking soon enough.” Cryus agrees with that notion. Clay is back up and nothing looks like it’s broken as he was able to wave Justin off without much of a hassle. The match continues. The last point is scored within the final minute. Jess has gotten good at spiking. Ryan knows on their Twins-Switched-At-Birth-Wavelength that they definitely have that she was aiming for one of the Baseball douchebag’s head, but she was off a little. But getting a point made up for that. The buzzer rang. Two to one. The (cowardly) Loins won. Ryan felt his stomach drop at this, and he genuinely hoped that none of his friends felt too miserable over this loss. When he saw them gather in a team huddle, each having their arms looped around the others, he knew Team Not Alright was alright. “You coming?” Scott called for him while Tony and Cyrus had already left the stand. He got up and accompanied the ex-jock back down and towards the diverse group of friends. “Alright, we’re going out for fries and ice cream,” Zach announced as though anyone was going to protest him. “Who needs a ride and who else can offer one?” He pointed the second half of the question to Clay and Justin. While Tony’s mustang was a beauty, it wasn’t exactly optimal for fitting teenagers in. “Can’t.” Justin said as he wiped the sweat off his forehead with his shirt. “We’re grounded.” “The both of you? How?” Ryan agreed with Jess’s confused tone mixed with amusement. “We convinced the old lady across the street that we’re twins.” Suddenly Ryan understood what Hannah meant when Justin smiled like that. “Bullshit.” Zach laughed. “We even got her to feel bad that she forgot he’s lived there all along.” Clay added in, his own tooth filled grin flashing. As Zach tried to argue for the brother’s freedom, Ryan went up to Jess who still looked a little miffed about missing her shot. “You were close.” “I know!” She whined. “If his head was just one inch to the left ugh!” He’s met his soulmate. “I meant the game.” No he didn’t but this is funnier.“Oh,” she acts like she didn’t just reveal herself in her intentions. “I guess.” “I think I’m more pissed that you didn’t win then you are.” She lifts up her shoulders and lets them fall back down looking over to where Alex is being picked up again but this time by Zach so he’s visibly protesting much less, Tyler is begging Clay to come along for treats, Courtney is just dragging Justin out the door with them, and Sheri walked along side Tony as they watched it all go down. “I don’t think winning was really the point.”
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The buzz of a phone against his nightstand was an unpleasant way to be woken up. Then again, Alex isn’t sure there is a pleasant way to wake up in general. Unless it’s from naps. Unless it’s from naps that he takes while his Broken Bunch are with him. You’ll never catch him complaining about waking up next to Jess or in Zach’s arms or with Tyler curled at his side. But his phone going off with no sunlight in sight in an empty room was unacceptable. He picks up the phone and blinks a few times to look at the bright screen (it’s on the lowest brightness but even that still hurts his eyes after the attempt). He first realizes that it is not his alarm but a call, then realizes a second after that it is 2:37 in the morning. Fuck that shit. He’s about to put the phone back down until he hits his third realization: it’s Clay calling. He picks up. “Clay?” The first response he gets is a breath being let out into the receiver and only afterwards were actual words. “Hi, hey Alex.” Alex rubs the sleep out of his eyes. “What’s up?” “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” His voice sounds like someone had been stepping on his windpipe just moments before he called. Don’t ask how he knows what a choked out Clay sounds like. They’ve dealt with some shit. After some silence he offers his version of an explanation. “I just needed to hear your voice.” “Clay I didn’t know you felt that way.” Silence. “Alright fine, I’m not funny. What’s wrong?” When he receives even more silence, he’s scared he chased Clay off, said the wrong thing to his friend in need. How many friendships does he have to fuck up to get it right? “I had a dream where you didn’t flinch.” “Oh.” Alex doesn’t know what to say. Sorry? My bad? Don’t worry about it? I mean, he could say any of that but then he would probably be deserving of the hole in his head. Instead he comes up with this brilliant answer: “I’m not going to do it again.” And if this had been Zach or Jess or even his mom, that line would have eased them. “Uh-huh.” But this wasn’t Zach or Jess or his mom. This was Clay. And while he has no factual proof of it, he thinks Clay might be the only person who’s able to call bullshit on that hollow promise. Not that Alex means for it to be hollow, it just doesn’t really count for much. He sees the way Justin gets concerned over somethings Clay says, and how he tries to avoid topics in Clay’s presence. It reminds him of his own father’s glances and protection fodder. Alex doesn’t know for sure, but he feels that Clay was been on the other end of the barrel, blade, pill, whatever. Which also makes Clay aware that it’s not something you plan. Sure, Hannah planned it over the course of a week, but do you really think she went into sophomore year thinking of that one moment? You think about it for a while. And it repeats in your head. Over and over. How to do it. What you need. Where. When. Making the perfect layout. But then suddenly you find yourself doing it. It both makes you scared as hell but relieved that you finally got it out of your head. The worst part of it in hindsight is that you never know when you decide it’s no longer just an idea, you don’t know what your tipping point is until you’ve passed it. It’s always a thought, but never a plan. So when he says he doesn’t plan on trying a round two, Alex means it right now. But maybe two months from now Alex doesn’t agree. Two months from now Alex already has the advantage: a thought. “I’ll let you go back to sleep now.” Clay interrupts his turmoil. “Sorry again.” This wasn’t satisfying, and there’s probably not a satisfying way to end this conversation. Not with who’s having it. “Did I ever tell you about the time I caught Zach and Justin trying to bake?” Alex throws in before he could hear a click on the other end. Then he hears something that brings all his nerves down. Clay laughs. “Caught? Is it illegal for them to try to be functional humans?” “You know both of them you take a guess.” “Fair enough.” “But listen, they decided one day that they wanted to surprise me for doing good with PT so they convinced my mom to let them bake brownies before I got home from an appointment. I appreciate the thought of sugar and that they got my mom to go along with it, but the stove was on fire when I got back.” “The stove?” Clay laughs again and asks with amusement. “Why do you need the stove for brownies?” “Which is exactly what I asked them and they gave me fuck all answers.” Alex puts his phone down on his pillow next to him and puts Clay on speaker. “I know you must have some good ol’ brother stories with our converted fuck boy.” “Jesus, where do I even start?” Clay mocks. Alex can hear the smile in his voice. “Alright so one time-“__________________________Clay was the first one to fall asleep on call. Alex passed the fuck out two seconds after he was sure Clay did. He’s not sure when exactly that was, but it must have been early in the morning because when his actual alarm went off this time he swore he only had his eyes closed for a minute. Zach came to pick him up that morning for school, he’d been leaving his house earlier under the pretense of running the track before school. As Alex slid into the passenger seat he receives a kiss, only to yet again confirm that they are That Couple. The gross one that everybody knows has no shame and will shove PDA down your throat for all they care. He hates it and loves it. “You look like shit.” Zach comments. “Babe, I’m digging the dirty talk, but we gotta get to school.” “Alex.” “Oh my god, I’m fine mom thanks. I’ll just be taking an even fatter nap in Trig than normal.” Zach doesn’t buy his dismissals, which Alex finds both frustrating and heartwarming. He places a hand on Zach’s knee. “I’m okay.” “Alright.” The taller boy concedes, because he knows when not to push too hard. “Let me know if you aren’t feeling well at any time today though.” “Yes dear.” __________________________As they approach Alex’s locker they come across a pair of bickering siblings. “It is not fucking normal you shit. Stop trying to make shit up to cover your ass.” “I don’t know what your talking about. I do it all the time.” “No you don’t you fucker.” Justin looks up when Alex and Zach reach their destination. He lights up as though he knows he’s about to win the fight against Clay. “Guys, have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to piss and then get fucking lazy enough to sleep sitting on the bathroom floor?” Zach scrunches up his features. “Hell no.” One look at the circles under Clay’s eyes and Alex knows. “I have.” Justin and Zach look at him like he just told them he’s inviting Bryce to his next birthday party. He shrugs them off. “Exhaustion and connivence are a scary duo.” Then there’s a brief exchange between Clay and Alex, and again Alex has no way of knowing of if it was all in his head but he feels the unspoken agreement happen.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be.
I’m here for you.
Anytime you need me.
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He hasn’t called Lainie or Matt, mom or dad yet. It didn’t feel right. Like he was replacing something, someone, in his life. Get the new and improved one then toss the old one away. He wasn’t comfortable with that. Clay on the other hand, he’s been calling brother since the night before the adoption. At first he had thought that it would be another case of replacing someone in his life. Trading in a Bryce Walker for a Clay Jensen. But Justin learned very fast that Clay was not replacing anyone he’s had in his life. He’s never had a Clay in his life before. He had surprised just about everyone when he agreed to take the Jensen’s last name in the adoption. Lainie and Matt had both told him he could keep his own last name or keep it in junction with theirs or whatever made him feel comfortable really. His social service worker basically told him the same things, but when the day actually came he agreed to be a Jensen and only a Jensen. If he’s going to replace things in his life, then replacing himself is the easiest thing he’ll do. The main difference that Justin could see between his relationships with Clay and Bryce was fighting. He once prided himself to the fact that he and Bryce never fought, he thought of it as the ultimate best friend goal. If they both liked a girl Justin would let Bryce have her because there are thousands of girls but only one Bryce and he never thought he could replace that. If they didn’t like a comment or action the other made they would both work on not doing it again without making a hassle over it, but reflecting on it Bryce would eventually go back to doing whatever it was. Hell even if they disagreed on food Justin went along with whatever Bryce wanted because it was either that or not eat for the day. Even the times that Bryce let Justin have what he wanted seemed more like a gift than a win. Now that he looks back on it, it should have been a sign. What’s mine is your right Brother? That’s not how it works. Clay was the complete opposite. There was at least one fight per day, normally over stupid shit that in the long run didn’t really matter. “What did I say about using my laptop?” “You take so fucking long in the shower.” “If you ate all the Lucky Charms again I swear to god.” Sometimes the day will pass by and they won’t have naturally had their daily argument, so they make up even stupider shit that neither of them actually care about. Last week he started a fight about how wide open the door to their room should be; Clay was confused at first about the big deal but caught on and argued that a 45 degree angle was perfect. “Guess who can walk again biotches.” Hollers the man of the hour as he walks through the sliding glass door and out into the backyard. Today was the day Alex would be cleared to no longer walk with his cane, and in honor of that achievement they had planned a barbecue at the Jensen household with all the Broken Bunch and their families. “Alex, language!” His mother scolds but the smile that’s been on her face all morning over her son’s excitement made the message lacking. “That’s, like, a pseudo curse mom.” Alex rolled his eyes, but his excitement did not dampen. “So how does it feel to be a free man?” Justin walks the short distance over to Alex from where he had been helping Matt with pouring ice into the cooler along side the various drinks. “Like I’m not a seventy years old.” “Does that mean you wanna try out for the football team now?” Zach comes asks as he walks into the yard, coming up right behind Alex. Justin can tell he had wanted to surprise hug or pick up and kiss or show any affection at all to his boyfriend, but Mrs. Dempsey walked out of the Jensen house right behind him. Thankfully Alex noticed her too before he committed to giving Zach a kiss on the cheek and pretended like he was only going in for a hug. “Worst part of not have my cane anymore?” Alex said as he pulled away. “I can’t beat you with it.” “The sacrifices we make.” Jess pretends to wipe a tear away from her eye. She’s laying down in a lawn chair by the fire pit relaxing. Okay, technically she is laying on Clay who is laying down in a lawn chair by the fire pit relaxing. She was the first one besides the Jensen’s to show up, her parents came with her of course both talking to Lainie. Her father made no protest when she dragged Clay off to cuddle in the sun. He liked Clay a hell of a lot better than Justin. But Jess and Clay had this weird thing about if they are planning to hang at the other’s house they must show up early and lately it’s getting to be nearly two hours early, Justin doesn’t understand but usually has to go along with anyway. If it were Bryce he’d brag about how a girl wanted to see him so badly and how all over him she is. Clay complains about the constant affection. The group of boys walks further into the yard and come to join the two chilling teens by the unlit fire pit. Justin sits down next to Clay and Jess, but the other two remain standing. Justin can also tell that Zach is only still stand so he can help Alex if he needs it suddenly. “The best part is that I can finally do this again.” And then Alex starts to flail around his arms while moving his knees in and out, back and forth. The man is free of his cane after seven long months and his act is to do the 15 Cars Vine. Justin holds a new respect for him. Until he falls over. “Shit!” “Alex!” Zach is already done on the ground to make sure no damage is done, despite the fact that they are on grass and all he was doing was twisting his body too fast. Justin is pretty sure he’ll live. Alex grips at his knee brace and adjusts it so it’s more comfortable. “I’ll practice.” He reassures them. Bryce would have pretended to be concerned, or was that actual concern Justin can’t trust himself to tell, and told him Standall take a break. “Dude, don’t break yourself on our lawn,” Clay asks as Zach helps him back up. “We just got you fixed.” __________________________Everyone had came expect for a missing parent or two, which Justin didn’t mind. He had gotten his football from his room and started a catch between him, Zach, and Caleb; Matt suggested that they could have a mini game later with the kids and parents as teams. Somehow he doesn’t see a game with Alex and Clay happening.“Jessica I have to take you shopping for a wedding dress!” Christian Davis shouts across the yard to his daughter who is attempting to do cheerleading stunts with Alex, Tyler, and Cyrus. “I’m setting up your arranged marriage with Clay.” He continues and ends with a chuckle as Lainie erupts into laughter beside him. Clay had been sitting with Ryan, and Robert and Kayla Holland when the information had been passed. Jess and Clay make eye contact. Clay excuses himself quickly to the Holland’s, and Justin swears that’s the fastest he’s seen Clay run. Jess leaves the failed cheer team and dashes to Clay as well. They meet in the middle of the yard, right where Justin and the boys were having a catch, thank god Caleb decided to hold onto the ball for the mean time. Clay picks her up and swings her around. Bryce would have tried to cup a feel. Squeeze her ass or touch her breast then played it off as his bad. Clay is careful where he puts his hands on Jess, making sure the location doesn’t feel threatening or the grip too panic inducing, and this is the exact reason Christian Davis likes him.“No wait, how much do you want for him Matt?” Kayla Holland calls over to the master chief that was watching on with Tony by his side. “Sheri won’t shut up about him.” Clay puts Jess down when she asks him to because she’s getting dizzy, Bryce would have kept going. They both look winded and have the dopiest smiles plastered on their faces. And as Justin waits for them to move so the ball can once again be thrown he commits the image to memory. His brother, full fledged brother with no requirements or conditions other than no more drugs or running, and one of his closest friend, a girl he once loved so wholeheartedly and part of him always will but they both settled with being family because they need more of that and no more of whatever they had been, looking the happiest he’s ever seen them. Moments like these are what make up for the image of Clay with a gun to his head or the look of devastation and knowing on Jess’s face after he told her the truth. “Sorry Jess, but I’m already promised to Sheri,” Clay says still smiling like a doofus. “What? We’ve only been engaged for a minute and you’re already cheating on me?” Jess mocks. Zach steps up from behind her and does what he can’t to his boyfriend. “Well, we’ll have to even the score,” he picks her up too but this time bridal style. “Get some revenge.” “You know we were having a game.” Justin reminded, acting annoyed. “You were throwing a ball.” Clay corrects him. Justin pushes at his shoulder. “Fuck off.” Clay swats at his head. “Fuck you.” And suddenly they are on the ground. The first time they wrestled to the floor in front of their friends they had thought the two siblings were actually fighting. Now they continue on with their conversation like Clay isn’t currently in a headlock. Bryce and him had wrestling matches of course, but never as frequent or serious as him and Clay. Bryce was a dirty fighter, used old injuries as excuses for Justin not to do this or that so he had more control of the situation. Clay wrestled him with a broken fucking nose. “Sheri, I better be your Maid of Honor.” Jess calls over Zach’s head. Sheri is making her way over to all the activity, bringing Ryan along with her after she had collected him from her parents and telling them don’t tell Clay that please. “Oh honey we have this all planned out already.” Sheri reaches up and plays with her hair when she stands next to Zach. “Clay is purposing five months after we graduate college.” Clay, who is no longer in a headlock but is now working on getting unpinned beneath Justin, adds in: “I have to purpose by leaving her VHS tapes that tell her how much I love her and popping the question at the end.” “Why VHS tapes?” Caleb asks. “We’ve been through cassette tapes and polaroids so the next logical step is VHS.” Sheri explains as she puts braids into Jess’s hair. “Our wedding is going to be in spring at the beach.” “It’ll probably rain with our luck.” Clay gets Justin off balanced by hooking his knee. “But we’re willing to do it in the rain. Romance and shit.” “Jess is my Maid Of Honor.” Sheri ties off the braid and presents it to the still being held girl. Damn Zach is strong. “And Justin is Clay’s Best Man.” “What?” Justin screeched, looking up to Sheri to see if she was just trying to mess with him. He forgot the number one rule of basketball: never take your eye off the ball. The minute he sees Sheri’s confused face his own expression morphs into pain as Clay knees him in between the legs. Alright so maybe Clay was a dirty fighter.“Shit!” Clay yells when he knows what he had just done. “Sorry!”“Clay watch the language!” Matt shouts over. Tony sees that these children need parental supervision, with Clay rolling off Justin and rolling the other on his back because he is in too much pain to do it himself. He tells Matt it was nice to catch up and walks over to the chaos. “What is going on over here?” Tony asks and Caleb laces their fingers. “It sounds like someone is being murdered.” “Only Justin’s future children.” Ryan reassured him. After letting most of the pain subside and he’s sure he can talk normally again, Justin turns to Clay who still looks guilty. “The fuck do you mean I’m your Best Man?” Clay’s eyes squint. “What do you mean what do I mean?” “Shouldn’t it be Tony?” Justin waves to where the leather clad teenager that seems more adult than all of them combined. Tony and Clay had been through it all together. Willing to go through so much more if that’s what the other needed from them. Best friends and honorary family at its finest. “It’s cute you think I wasn’t there when they planned this out,” Tony addressed him. “It was on a Skype call at three in the morning when they decided to start planning out their next fifteen years together with me and Alex as advisors.” “You got into the wedding planning, don’t lie.” Sheri bumped her hip against his. Tony raises his hands in surrender. “Will not confirm nor deny.” He looks back over to Justin who is still on the ground confused. “But the arrangement is that you’re Best Man at their wedding and I’m the God Father to their first born. Lord knows I’m always going to have to look over some kind of Jensen.” Clay kicks at Tony’s shins lightly. He decides to get up from the ground, and offers a hand to Justin for some help getting up as well. He takes it. “Are you sure,” he ask, not understanding why he would be. “Yes, I’m sure.” Clay pulls him back to his feet. “Just don’t make me hate you again in four years.” Never in his seventeen years of life did he think he’d be this over being Clay’s, the nerd that sits in the back over the class and reads comic books in the library, Best Man. He can live with Tony being the God Father. More than fine with it. He gets a title when Clay has a kid anyway. Then it hits him like a brick. “Holy fuck I would be an Uncle!” He hears two people shout at him about language again. Jess gasps. “God mother?” She places a hand on her chest. Sheri nods and smiles like it’s obvious, which it kind of is since Clay has basically made her his unofficial sister and Sheri can’t find anyone else that can talk about how much she loves the Jensen’s. Jess jumps up and down, Zach let her back on her own two feet when Justin doubled over, in excitement over the idea of Clay and Sheri’s baby. “Names, now. I need to approve.” Tony shakes his head because yes they had debated over baby names and he had a say in what was fine and what wasn’t. Justin perks up at hearing the names. He has to know what he’s going to call his niece or nephew. Because he’s going to be an Uncle. To Clay’s kids. And be his Best Man. Holy shit. “Jenny if it’s a girl.” Sheri wraps her arms around Clay’s neck and he puts his hands on her waist. “And Jeff if it’s a boy.” He put a kiss on her forehead. Zach pats Clay on the back. “I hope it’s a boy.” “Same.” Clay and Sheri say at the same time. __________________________The sun was going down and people began to leave. It was a slow withdrawal, first the Standall’s because the doctor told them he needs to rest the first couple days he’s off the cane. The Dempsey’s left almost right after, Zach seemed nervous on the way out and Justin promises himself he’ll text Zach later about it. The Downs and Shavers leave together nearly half an hour later. Matt had put wood in the fire pit, and the remaining teenagers took all the lawn chairs pulling them in a circle closer to the warmth. Justin has his chair set between Clay and Courtney. He and Clay were doing this thing with their feet, Clay with his foot sliding in underneath Justin’s and the top part of Clay’s pressed against Justin’s ankle. He legitimately has no idea who started it but it was a thing they did when they need the other to know they need to have a real talk. They have a lot of unspoken movements and signals to each other, things that stay with them only. Bryce would have called this gay. Clay probably thinks it is but at least he doesn’t say it. Justin turns his attention to Clay. He nods in the direction of the house, asking if Clay would rather have this talk inside. Clay shakes his head. Bryce didn’t do feelings. He was vague about them, never out right saying what he meant. You know how I feel about you. Apparently he didn’t. “You know you, like, matter to me right?” Justin stares at Clay’s face as the words leave his mouth, the way the flickering fire light do this thing to Clay’s eyes that make them even warmer. “Yeah.” The way Clay’s face softens as he hears that his brother knows he’s loved. “I do, Clay.” That was probably the best difference between Bryce and Clay: a heart. Justin’s never had a Clay in his life before, but he was blessed to get one.
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Amber walks into the kitchen in hopes of finding food that she knows won’t be there. It’s not her kitchen, or her apartment for that matter. She had heard from a friend, well not a friend she doesn’t have those really but something close enough to one, that this place was once owned by a dealer, but he got shot by someone so the apartment was free. At least free until the landlord realized the guy had died and came kick everybody else out. She hadn’t been the first person to pick the lock and walk in, but no one made a move to kick her out so she locked the door behind her and stayed. Has been staying there for the past week. When she discovers there is still no food she opens up her phone and wants to dial for a pizza but then sees a different number and clicks on that one instead. It rings. And rings. And rings. And rings. He picks up at the last moment. “Mom?” He sounds tired and confused. “Hey baby.” She makes sure he can hear the affection in her voice. She listens to him sigh on the other side of the call. “Do you know what time it is?” He asks like he’s annoyed. She remembers the first time she called him, he was ecstatic, like he had been waiting for her. She doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t know what day it is, let alone what time. She doesn’t use her phone all that much. Doesn’t have anyone to contact. Expect Justin. Which is why she makes sure to go pay for her service before anything else. “So I was thinking that we could meet at that park I would take you to when you were little. You know the one right? Meet there tomorrow and -“ “I already made plans with Clay,” he cuts her off. She thinks it’s because the last three times she’s suggested they meet she wasn’t able to make it. Either on cloud nine or in Hell from lack of her addiction. He had asked her where’d she’d been the first two times, but neither brought up the third. She suspects he didn’t go either. Which is fine. She understands that he doesn’t want to be stood up again. But the Clay Excuse gets on her nerves. Whenever she called Justin, Clay was the reason he had to hang up. “Clay’s coming I have to go.” “Clay is calling and I have to pick up.” “Clay is in the next room and I don’t want him to hear me.” And lately Clay has been interrupting their calls sooner and sooner, all because she’s Justin’s dirty little secret. She had been a lot of people’s dirty little secrets, but never her own son’s. “I love you.” She tells him and she really does mean it.“I know.” He sounds like he’s in pain. “I’ll come get you one day-“ she begins to tell him the same thing she tells him every time she calls.“Stop.”“I’ll save up enough and we can live in an apartment again, nicer one this time. And I’ll get you-“ “Mom stop!” He shouts at her. She wonders if he woke up Clay. “Stop saying that. I know it’s not true.” “But baby-“ “I like it here.” He won’t listen to her. Why won’t he listen to her? “I live here. I don’t plan on leaving.” There. He lives ‘here. There with the perfect little family that has never faced a struggle in their life. “I heard you changed your last name too. What? Can’t stand to be a Foley?” The Jensens. Justin Jensen. She hates the sound of it. “Well you can’t change that baby boy, you will always be a Foley and you can’t change that.” “I know,” his voice breaks, “I know I can’t change who I was. I can’t take away what I’ve done and haven’t done. I know that I can’t change my past, Mom.” He’s crying now. It’s not a desperate sob or a whimper for help. These are angry tears. She can’t tell who he’s mad at, her or himself. “But I can try to be someone better. I can’t keep being who I was because he was killing me. It was killing me Mom. I want to be someone who does the right things, who lives like it matters. I can never change being a Foley, but I want to try to be a Jensen.” His anger dissolves into a broken calmness. She can still hear his tears, hear the cracked voice that tells her: “Please don’t call me anymore.” He sounds heartbroken. “Fine.” She doesn’t. “I love you. I always will. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Mom. I love you.” He mantras over and over again in his small, exhausted voice. She hangs up. She’s upset. Why does he get to start over with a perfect family and great life style while she rots away. Where’s her fucking second chance? This isn’t fair. But she’s also not upset. He’s getting the chance she never gave him. He’s getting to become someone who he decides to be. In her most loving act as a mother, and her final act as a mother, she opens his contact info in her phone and presses delete.
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“Mrs. Dempsey, it’s been a while.” Bryce Walker stands behind her in line. She left early this morning to get coffee and a few muffins for her and her coworkers since it was that time of year when the days dragged on and nights were short lived blessings. She hasn’t seen him since the trial, Zach hasn’t bothered to invite him over since the trial. “Hello Bryce. It’s nice to see you again.” She can’t tell if it is actually. She has her suspicions. “How is that new school of yours?” His smile is endearing. “ ‘Same people, different names’ kind of thing. It’s still a school at the end of the day.” She nods along. “How’s Zach? I haven’t seen much of him lately.” “Confused,” she tells him. “Still hanging around for those people.” She doesn’t have to say which ones. “I wish he would realize how bad they are for him.” It’s her turn to order in line. The barista makes her repeat her order twice. Bryce goes up next and orders, afterwards coming over to stand with her by the pick up side of the counter. “I heard that him and Standall are going steady.” He winks at the girl making his coffee. “Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.” She stares at him. “Standall?” “Yeah. Alex Standall.” She can hear her heartbeat rushing through her ears. How could she not have known. Dear god what was wrong with this boy? Why does he continue to do these things? Doesn’t he want a normal life? “Zachary is dating Alex Standall.” There is no question in her tone. “Oh shit, you didn’t know?” He asks. The girl comes over and hands him his cup, it has her name and number on it. “I’m sorry Mrs. D.” “It’s not your fault Bryce. It was nice catching up.” She addresses as politely as possible despite her growing anger. “Yeah, maybe my mom and you can set up a family hangout sometime.” He suggests as he walks off. She doesn’t answer him. She might not have a son by tonight to bring. __________________________May is home when she storms through the door. “Zachary! Come here this instant!” Caroline shouts up the stairs where he normally holds up these days. May looks up from her spot on the couch alarmed at seeing her mother this furious already. Or seeing her mother home this early, twenty minutes early to be exact. She had planned to go up to her room in fifteen minutes. It kills the twelve year old to our her brother like this, but she can’t exactly just sit there and let mom scream her head off. “He’s not here.” Caroline’s head pivots so fast May is surprised there is no whiplash. “Where is he?” Her voice is shrill and accusing. “At one of the family’s house.” She knows it’s the Jensen’s today but she’s scared if she gives specific names Mom might drive over there and get him. Again. Her mother’s eyes bulge. “You know I hate it when you refer to those low lives as ‘The Family’!” Her anger is now directed towards her. “You know Zach hates it when you call them low lives.” “Don’t you talk back to me!” “How do you expect to have a conversation then?” Caroline hates this age. This snarky I Know Best age that May is in. “I have one child that is keeping secrets and one that thinks it’s fun to disrespect me!” “Sucks to be treated the way you treat others huh?” May has just about enough. Especially after that talk that Zach had with her last year. May, learn something from me. Don’t be quiet about shit that actually matters to you. About people that actually matter to you. It haunts you if you don’t. “What is that supposed to mean?” She screams at her daughter. “It means that you disregard our feelings so easily!” May shouts back. “You don’t care about how we feel, just how we look! Zach’s friends aren’t the best people, but they are his actual friends! They support him and make him happy!” “They are bad influences!” “And Bryce Walker and Monty De La Cruise aren’t?” Mrs. Dempsey wants to shout back yes. But part of her knows. She knows she can’t. Instead she takes a breath. Her mom is finally silent, But May isn’t finished. “They help him more than you have.” “Go to your room.” May doesn’t argue. This is the most they’ve spoken in a week and it’s been exhausting. When Caroline is sure May is gone she collapses on the empty couch that her daughter had left. She doesn’t know what to think right now. __________________________Five days later and it’s Friday Family Diner. A tradition once filled with fun and laughter is now degraded to solemn quiet, the only noise to be heard is the clacking of silverware against plates. Caroline hasn’t talked to Zach about Alex Standall or the fight she had with May. Judging from his lack of interest he has inquired on that manner tells her that May hasn’t told him about it either. “So your friends are having a party on party tomorrow.” She says. It’s not a question, she knows this is true because she overheard Mrs. Down discussing it with Mrs. Holland at the grocery store the day after her encounter with Bryce. Neither of them came up to her. Zach doesn’t say anything at first, continuing to eat his green beans. When he feels her stare on him along with the silence, he looks up. “Oh. Me?” May shifts in her seat. She is hanging out with her friends at the mall tomorrow as well, but if her mom is about to tell Zach he can’t hang out with his friends then she’s ready to stay home tomorrow too. Mrs. Dempsey pushes her green beans further away from her mashed potatoes with her fork. “Yes you, Zachary. I heard there is a party for Alex Standall at the Jensen house tomorrow evening.” “Uh, yeah kinda.” “And all the families are invited as well.” She spots the flash of panic in Zach’s eyes after she says it. It hurt. His mouth moves up and down a little but nothing comes out. May kicks his shin under the table. “Uh, um, yeah they are.” He stops there. “Would I be invited to come along with you?” He stares at her. He’s not surprised anymore, but he’s calculating. What does she have to gain from this? Why would she willingly take an interest in her son’s life? That hurts too. “Yeah, I guess so. I’ll let Clay and Justin know that your coming too.” She smiles, but honestly she is feels like she just fought a battle. One with no winners. “Good.” __________________________She passes by his door that night, she had only meant to use the bathroom but hearing him talk to someone caught her attention. “Guys, I don’t know. I don’t know why she wants to come.” Zach says as though it’s the one hundredth time he’s said it. “Okay, but like, why can’t you just bring May instead?” She recognizes the slightly muffled voice to be Justin Foley. Jensen. That’s right, he is Justin Jensen now. The muffling of the voice indicates that they are talking through a device to each other. Another voice comes in. “Better yet, you stay home too and just let May come.” Alex Standall. “Sometimes I think you’re using me for my little sister.” Zach comments. “Correct.” Alex Standall says without missing a beat. She walks away. She doesn’t want to hear anymore. Not after the dreamy laugh that came from Zach. __________________________They arrive the same time as the Standalls. Kris Standall and Alex Standall walked in first with Jim still getting something out of his trunk. Zach walks over and asks if he wants help, but Jim waves him off showing him it’s only a cooler. When they walk into the backyard Alex Standall hugs Zach, but Caroline could swear it looked like he wanted a kiss. Then Zach walks off with Alex Standall and Justin Jensen over to Clay Jensen and Jessica Davis. She is in foreign territory. Lainie Jensen walks up to her. “Hello Caroline, it’s been a while. Would you like anything?” “Yes, it has. About when your son keyed my son’s car in fact. And no thank you I am fine.” She answers back. Lainie looks taken aback. A look of Oh That’s Right moves across her face. “I’m still very sorry about that. At least the boys are getting along now.” She pulls out a chair seated at the table and gestures for Caroline to sit. Much to her own chagrin, she does. “They’ve all come a long way.” The woman sitting next to her comments. She is Jessica’s mother. “And still some ways to go.” The man next to her adds on. He is looking to where all the teens have gathered and they all watch as Alex Standall falls to the ground. Her heart aches as Zach goes to the ground for him. __________________________The table of Daniela Davis, Robert Crimson, Matt Jensen, Jim Standall and herself are talking about vacation disasters when she notices. She had contributed to the conversation too, retelling their story of how her husband took the wrong highway on the way to Disney and didn’t realize until three hours later. As the evening went on the more relaxed she became, still keeping an eye on Zach every so often but for the most part he was just fooling around. He seemed like a kid again. Robert was telling them about the time he lost his swim trunks at the beach while teaching Courtney how to swim, when Clay walks over and opens the cooler beside them. He pulls out a can of beer, looks at it, and puts it back. He pulls out the can of Coca Cola further down in the ice and walks away. Startled, she turns to Matt who is sitting across from her. “There are beers and sodas in the same cooler?” He had been listening contently to Roberts story, so Matt needed a minute to adjust to the change in conversation. “Yes. Would you like one?” She scoffs. “No I would not! What if one of the kids were to-“ “They won’t.” Jim Standall cuts her off. “Because you are a cop? You think that will stop them from attempting to sneak one?” She accuses.Jim shakes his as he takes a sip from his own can of beer. “No I don’t. I think the fact that they don’t drink is why they won’t.” “How do you know.” “We have parties, home alone for hours at a time. Never once have a found a bottle of liquor or smelt a hint of alcohol afterwards.” Daniela answers for him. Matt leans into the table, like he is about to tell her a secret. “We’ve all talked about this before. We knew when they used to drink, go out to party.” He waves his hand at the kids in his backyard; Zach is currently sitting down with Sheri on the grass as she instructs him on how to put a braid in Justin’s hair as she puts one in Courtney’s. “We don’t see that anymore. Not with the group.” “I like to think it’s in solidarity of Justin.” Matt says at the end. They all know Justin is still recovering. “Or Jessica.” Daniela says. They all know what happened the last time Jess drank. “Or Alex.” Jim says. They all know how much medication Alex has to take still. And for some reason there is a swell in her chest at that. “Excuse me.” She gets from the table. She needs a minute. She walks back into the house, pretending as though she must use the bathroom. Unfortunately, Kris Standall had the idea first. She stood in the empty hallway looking at family photos on the wall, only noticing Caroline as she moved onto the next picture. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I in your way?” Caroline feels her mouth dry out. “No.” That’s not what she meant to say. Kris looks at her for a second longer than she liked. “Alex told me not to say anything.” Kris murmurs her as she continues to look at the hung photos. “But I can tell by the way you look at them that you know.” “Yes.” Again, That had not been what she wanted to say. “Zach is a wonderful boy. All the support he’s given Alex through it all. Alex adores him, can’t go a day without talking about him.” She walks over to Caroline. “I know my son is just The Boy That Tried To Kill Himself to you.” There is no bite in her soft spoken voice. “But he’s also the boy that his over heels for yours. And I like to think that Zach is the same way.” They stand there. Caroline has no response to give. “Would you like to go back outside?” She offers instead. Kris accepts. They talk for the rest of the night. Caroline discovers she likes Kris Standall.
__________________________“Did you have fun?” She keeps her eyes on the road, but she sees the smile plastered on Zach’s face that he’s had on since they left. He thinks she didn’t see him sneak a kiss to Alex on the way out. “I always have fun with them.” He answers so fast that he even surprised himself with the lack of filter. But he doesn’t correct himself. “Good.” She replies. “I was talking to Kris Standall.” He tenses. “We were thinking about having a family get together. How does that sound?” He doesn’t relax nearly as much, but the smile is back. “That sounds amazing.” Even if she doesn’t understand why he chooses these broken kids, this troubled boy, she can understand the smile on Zach’s face when he looks at Alex. It’s a smile she hasn’t seen in a long time. It’s the same way Mark would smile at her.
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Tony honestly doesn’t know why the library exists when no one is ever quiet. He is aware he is part of this problem, but that doesn’t mean the problem isn’t a thing. He has found himself sitting at a table with Alex, Justin, Sheri, Tyler, and Courtney in the said quiet zone to study. And to their defense, they are studying. Loudly with each other, but they are being diligent students for once in their lives. Tony looks up from his chemistry work book just in time to see his best friend, and probably the only reason he got sucked into this unique group, walk up to the table. He placed his hands on his adopted brother’s shoulders, startling the other much to Tony’s own amusement. “Justin,” Clay says, gripping his shoulders harder. “If you send me one more link to Avicci’s Hey Brother I’m going to disown you.” And it’s nice to see Justin grin at the empty threat rather than retreat back into his shell like he would have two months ago. “Why did you feel the need to send me over thirty links?” Clay asks taking the seat next to Tony and Justin. “We need the answer to number six on the Trig homework.” Justin answers, pushing his book closer for Clay to look at. Alex leans forward so that he can see how the problem is solved as well, he and Justin had been working on the homework together hoping that the other might understand it better than themselves. They had both missed so much of the last year, the two having a lot of catching up to do. Instead of the old Clay response of “Do yourself.” Or “Why me.” He takes the book, looks it over and begins to explain the process so that both boys understand. “So next week.” All conversations stop. They all knew what next week was. It was hard for them not to know. He just didn’t expect Sheri to be the one to say something. “What about it?” Tony asks. She shrugs and her eyes dart to Clay then back to Tony. “Are we going to talk about it? Or do something?” “What’s there to talk about?” Alex wasn’t being defensive, he was just tired. “We all know what it is and I think we’ve talked about it enough at this point.” There’s a silence as Clay slides the book back over to Justin. Justin fidgets in his seat. “Tony gave me the Tapes on the thirteenth.” He rests his head on the palm of his hand, his head pointed away from Clay and Tony. “It was Friday the thirteenth actually. I thought it was some kind of fucked up joke at first.” A moment passed. “Jess got them on the fifteenth.” Alex says for her. “She basically threw them at me on the eighteenth.” “October nineteenth.” Tyler shook his head. “Fuck, I didn’t know why people started to throw rocks at my window. It scared me. Then I got the Tapes and I understood that was the point.” He taps his pen against the desk, a nervous tick they notice he has when he is upset or in this case guilt ridden. “Who threw the first rock?” He didn’t sound mad but genuinely curious. “I didn’t throw one.” Justin replies and it’s weird that he feels guilty for it. “I did.” Alex states, no shame evident. “But there had been a hole already, so I guess Jess did.” Tyler just nods. He can understand why. “I got them on the twenty-second.” Courtney admits next. “I didn’t listen to them the first day, not after I heard her voice on the first one. I spent the next day listening all the way through.” Sheri stared down at her closed text book intently. “The twenty-eighth.” Thats all she said. No one needed any more than that. “Twenty-ninth.” It was only a whisper. Not for the first time Tony really wished Hannah hadn’t put Clay in the Tapes. He didn’t deserve it. __________________________“Hey Tony.” Courtney walks up to him when he leaves literature. When their schedules aline just right they walked to the science hall together for sixth period, four periods after he sees her in the library. She wasn’t the type of friend he saw himself making, but there were stronger forces out there that put this fucked up group together and who was he to deny them. Besides, they both like to dig on Ryan. “What’s up?” “I have an update about next week.” She informs. “For the next month actually. Write a letter or message of any sort to the person that received the Tapes that day.” “That’s all?” It sounded like a reasonable request to him. She hums in response. “The word just got spread around, I’m not sure who actually came up with the idea but I think it’s a good support system.” “It sounds like a Clay idea to me.” She smiles. “I’m glad you think so too.” __________________________Tony supposed it makes sense. He wasn’t on the Tapes, but he was part of this whole secret ring. He just didn’t expect letters on Tuesday, October ninth. Sheri was the first one to hand him one, next being Jess and Ryan as they passed by, then he got all of them at once when he sat down for lunch. He examined the letters as a whole. Each one was different in their own ragtag group way. Some were in envelopes, others were just folded up pieces of paper, the size and style of the paper changed depending on the person, a few had crinkles and creases while others were perfectly smooth, some seemed to be passages and other were just a few sentences. He thought it embodied the Broken Bunch very well. “You don’t have to open them now,” Zach reassured. It was his way of asking not to open them in school, which was probably the smart idea. “Don’t worry, I’ll save the tears for when I get home.” He winked.__________________________Everyone had written something at least decent, if not heartwarming. He liked Sheri’s praise of always dealing with things that he doesn’t have to be part of but does anyway because it’s the right thing. And Ryan’s omission that he wished he could be more like Tony, minus the fighting. But his favorite one by far was Clay’s.
I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t there for me while I listened to the Tapes. To my Tape. The constant protection, while creepy at times was something I didn’t know I needed. The way you, mister anger management, stayed calm while I hit you and basically threw a tantrum when I needed an outlet. The rock climb you forced me on that nearly killed me also gave me some semblance of happiness that I hadn’t felt all that month. You’ve always been there for me even when I didn’t ask you to be. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be able to call my best friend. Justin may be my official brother, but I know who my first brother really is.
__________________________Justin was next, and it surprised Tony how easily writing a message to him had been. You are trying and that’s all that matters. You’re becoming a better person and a good brother. It was short and pretty simple but given their track record he thinks this is enough feelings. It becomes apparent that Justin could not wait to get home to read them when Tony hears him shouting for Clay down the hall during the transition to fourth period. He, Cryus, and Clay had been walking to go to the art class each person was required to take. Clay stopped, being concerned on what else may have happened. This was his (almost) downfall, as Justin throws his arms around Clay with so much force they stumble backwards into the lockers. Justin’s burrows his head into Clay’s neck and holds him, Clay wraps his around Justin’s waist and holds him right back. If this intimate scene had occurred with anyone else in the school or even the group Tony would have snuck away and let them have some privacy. But it was these two idiots. “Am I next?” He asks, gesturing with slightly open arms. He gets two middle fingers in his face for an answer. __________________________There are a few more note worthy happenings during the course of the letter exchange; more intimate scenes some out of school some in. Alex and Zach made out in the hallway every time they saw each other the day after Zach received his letters, Tony mildly wonders what Alex had written to prompt this but does not plan to ask. Jess stayed home for her day, but she texted them to come by if they wanted. They sat in her room together as she read the letters and watched old SpongeBob episodes. He still can’t believe he is friends, pretty much family, with people that know all the words to the F Is For Friends Who Do Stuff Together song. During Sheri’s day she had arrived to lunch having read them all and demanded a hug from everyone. Expect Clay, she wanted a kiss from him. It’s still unknown if they are together or not but no one wants to pry, at least not in October. The twenty-ninth is different. “Guys!” The distressed call is heard as Justin runs down the hall. Tony remembers the incident with Clay two weeks ago, so he moves back. “Clay’s gone!”“What do you mean gone?” Jess asks like the idea is ridiculous but the concern in her eyes fools no one. “He wasn’t home when I woke up this morning.” Justin looks like he’s about to have a panic attack. “I shouldn’t have let him sleep alone. I knew this shit was going to happen but I fucking let him sleep alone away. For fucks sake, what is wrong with me.” It honestly doesn’t take long for Tony to think. He just knows Clay too well. Or maybe he knew the sentiment too well. “Justin, relax,” he places a calming hand on his shoulder. “I know where he is. I’ll go get him and bring him back okay?” The shoulder in his hand slumps. “I want to go to.” “Boy, we both know you of all people can’t miss anymore school.” “Can I come?” Jess asks. Tony doesn’t want this to sound rude or that he’s just ditching them. “I think it’d be better if I just went.” And thankfully she looks like she understands that. __________________________He finds Clay exactly where he expected. The cemetery is warm for October and every here and there can be found flowers not yet killed off for the winter. Clay is seated on the grass in his everyday clothes and backpack as he talks. “-so Mr. Porter helped a lot with the case, he wanted justice. We all did. I still can’t believe we finally got him. Bryce is finally going to pay. For all of it.” He stops and turns around as Tony slowly gets closer. He shakes his head. “Should have known it’d be you.” Tony nods. “You really should have.” It’s now that he is standing next to Clay that he sees the flowers he has brought with him. There was thirteen of them, eleven resting on her grave and two still in his lap. It’s only later that day when Tony googles their description he’ll know they are Forget Me Nots. “Justin took the Prius this morning and I didn’t see your bike at the gate, so I’m going to assume you need a ride to school?” He doesn’t ask why Clay came, or how long, or how he got there. Doesn’t need to. That can be for Clay to know. Somethings are just for us. Clay looks down at his lap at the two remaining flowers. “I’m almost done.” He looks back up to Tony. “Do you mind waiting for a little bit?” “Of course not.” He turns back around and walks away from Clay, he doesn’t go far but just enough so it gives the other some privacy. Clay places the next flower down on Hannah’s grave and talks to her about her mom. She calls Tony from New York every other month, talking about the new people she meets (both good and bad) and the sights she never thought she’d see. She’s been in contact with Clay before, he knows. It was only twice but she’s sent him postcards telling him roughly the same things she’s told Tony just with less detail. Which is all Clay is repeating to Hannah now. Then he places the last flower down. “I’m fine,” he begins. “Everything is a lot calmer now. Less hectic. In life and in mind. I miss you still. I don’t expect that to change.” He moves so he has his knees up to his chest, a position he often sees Clay in when he’s being vulnerable. “But I’m not lonely anymore. It’s a little hard to be when people keep walking in and out of my house. And I guess I walk in and out of theirs too.” He takes a minute. “I’m good. Like, honestly good for the first time since you. I am.” He exhales like it’s the first time he’s been allowed to in a year. “I’ll see you Hannah.” He gets up and walks over to where Tony is waiting. And as Clay makes his way over, Tony can swear that he looks brighter. More relaxed. More living. “Ready?” “Yeah.” Clay pats him on the back as they walk to the car. “I can’t believe you have your own car and I still have to be your chauffeur.” Tony mocks, jabbing Clay with an elbow. Before he can protest, Tony goes on. “And now a delivery boy too. This is some low key racism going on.” That one confused Clay. He could practically hear the gears in his best friend’s head turning. He decides to show mercy. Pulling the group of letters out of his leather jacket pocket, he hands them over to Clay. He had made sure to get everyone’s letter for him before he left to get Clay, after Jess told him it’d be a good thing to have just in case. He’s really glad that wasn’t the case. __________________________Clay read the letters as Tony drove. Looking over to see if everything was alright now and then, Tony was able to see how much longer most of Clay’s letters had been. He understood why, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel self conscious about his shorter letter. He didn’t know wether it was good or bad when he looked over and saw Clay reading Tony’s own letter. I know my attentiveness can get annoying sometimes and maybe I do treat you like a child a little too often, but I’ve been through this before. I lost someone I cared about because I wasn’t paying attention Clay. I’m not going to make the same mistake with someone I love. “You okay buddy?” He really hopes he didn’t freak Clay out somehow. God he hopes Clay understands he meant platonically. “Yeah. I’m fine.” He answers back. He looks at the letter more. “I love you Tony.” “I know Clay.” And he does, the same way he knows Clay would do anything for him. This friendship wasn’t a one way street. It was a fucking highway filled with damaged roads and wreckage in the way, but at least they had carpool. __________________________“Clay!” Sheri runs up to him and puts a kiss on his cheek. “Are you okay?” She was worried all morning, they can both tell. “No actually.” Clay answers, and Tony is about to protest why he didn’t say anything on the ride here. He would have made a stop or skipped or done basically anything Clay needed to get through the day. But then Clay continues speaking and Tony wonders how this is who he considers his best friend. “Tony Han Solo’d me.”
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“This is going to sound seriously fucked up. Especially coming from me.” Jess warns as she watches the kites glide across the sky. When Zach had found out Alex had never flown a kite before (Zach being a pro via teaching and playing with May), he immediately had the group chat blowing up with ideas and dates. After they found out Justin, Tony, and Sheri also never learned how, it was decided that after the last Final of Junior Year they were going to the park and having Kite Flying lessons. The Chemistry Final had kicked most of their asses, but the minute they got out of that god forsaken school it was all forgotten. She rode with the Jensen brothers in their Prius, sitting between Sheri and Ryan in the back seat; feeling the warm air with the windows down, exchanging ridiculous faces with Courtney and Alex as Zach’s car alined with them, singing/shouting along to every song on the radio even if they didn’t know the lyrics. They stopped at a connivence store to buy items for a “picnic” like they planned, but the only thing anyone bought was sugar filled junk. Alex rode in the basket of the grocery cart that Clay pushed down the aisles, every so often picking up something that he thought looked unhealthy enough to bring along, while Sheri pretended to make a wild life documentary as they went up and down the aisles sitting in the basket that Tony went around with. Whether the cashier looked at them like they were insane because of the food choices, the mode of transportation around the store, or because of the strange diverse cast among them didn’t matter, the look on his face was priceless. Now she sat next to Tony on one of the three blankets placed on the ground that they had brought for the picnic. Getting everything set up was half the battle. Tyler and Ryan had tried to place the blankets down so that each end connected to each other in an orderly fashion. The wind had a different plan, making every attempt more and more frustrating. It ended with Courtney throwing all the blankets down and ordering people to sit in the middle while everyone had to take off their shoes and use them all as anchors instead of just Tyler’s, Clay’s, and Justin’s which had failed them before. Then there was the unraveling of the kites. Zach had brought three of them, he kept his navy blue one and lended May’s Hello Kitty kite to Alex who protested for point five seconds then gave in and took it. The third one was also May’s, a plain pink one that Sheri snuck away without anyone noticing. Jess had brought her old kite that she used when her family went to the beach when she was younger, she handed the Bratz kite off to Justin who took it after her own insistence and Clay’s delight. These events are what lead her to this conversation as they now watched as Tyler helped Justin with the string of his kite, Clay and Zach talking to Alex as he got the hang of guiding the kite where he wanted it to go, Ryan and Caleb showing Sheri how to get the kite off the ground, and Courtney flying her own kite as an example for everyone else. She’s not sure how Tony got himself out of the lesson, but she is glad for the company.Tony looked to her, appriecating her relaxed posture and calm eyes. It’s been a long time before any of them could have peace. “Honey, you can say just about anything and I wouldn’t judge you for it.” She laughed because she’d probably say the same thing if anyone from their misfit family had started off a conversation like that with her. He bumped shoulders with her. “But I’m all ears.” She smiles and looked down at the blanket they are half seated on; an old Transformers blanket that she could definitely identify as Clay’s even if she hadn’t known pryer, and that fondness that blooms in her chest makes her think of how much Clay has put himself through for her, for them, and how much more he would be willing to do if anyone just asked. “I’m okay with everything that happened.” She moves her fingers across the stitching with the same gentleness she would when holding Alex’s hand during horror movies that neither of them like. “I’m okay with everything I’ve been through.” She traces the designs the same way she traces out the hidden freckles on Ryan’s arms. “I’m okay with the trial.” She spreads her legs out and remembers how her and Sheri like to sit together with all their limbs tangled whenever they binge watch shows. “I’m okay with the Tapes.” She recalls the time her and Tyler won the prank war among them during April 1st by filling the Oreos with shaving cream when she spots a bag by her left foot. “I’m okay with what Hannah did.” She can still feel the warmth of Zach’s chest and Courtney’s back when she woke up in the middle of a snowy afternoon in the Jensen household. “I’m okay with what Bryce did.” She holds onto the knowledge that she will never forgive Justin for what he did, but he will continue to do anything he can to mend what he’s broken. “Alright so that might sound a little weird.” Tony admitted. “No,” Jess laughed again and shook her head. “I mean, I’m okay with it, not happy about it. I’m not saying that I’d be willing to go through it again or that I wouldn’t change it if I could.” She looks back up to the field in front of them with their friends playing, laughing, living. “But there’s no taking it back, and I’m okay with that.” She feels Tony’s fingers lace with hers. “Getting here was hell, but now that here is where we are I‘m glad we all made it. I’m glad we got here.” “I think I get it.” Tony says as he sees his best friend smiling so genuinely as his girlfriend and adopted brother get excited over kite flying gone right. “I’ve always told Clay that this group is the one good thing that came from the tapes. Broken ass people pulling each other back together.” “Clay and Justin are brothers.” It’s the first and foremost thing that sticks out in the difference between before sophomore year and after. “A real bond, that I doubt anyone saw coming.”“Alex and Zach are a married couple.” Tony couldn’t imagine a world where those two weren’t the disgustingly happy people that you know will love each other till the world itself ends. “They aren’t alone.” “Tyler is safe, has friends, has a future.” “Courtney is able to be who she wants and not be ashamed.” “Sheri has courage to do the right thing even when it might cost her something.” “Ryan has actual friends.” She giggles at Tony’s playful pettiness of Ryan that the two ex’s seem to bond over. “I have a family that would do anything to protect me.” He gives her hand a squeeze, letting her know that this is true. “I have a family I would do anything for.” “Alright, I get it,” he concedes. “We are the collateral beauty.” She leans against him, fingers still locked together and she breathes the words like they are the answers to all the questions and doubts and fears and pain. “We are the collateral beauty.”