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Hide has been his share of various ups and downs in his life - ranging from getting a best friend, getting half his face eaten by said best friend, joining an organisation in order to find and protect his best friend, finally finding his best friend and well, okay, now that he thinks back his life has almost always revolved around Kaneki, but there's nothing Hide wouldn't give for it to stay that way.
Especially now that there's also Touka and Hide loves them both more than everything else and he knows they love him too but - ah, he's digressing.
The point is, throughout his whole life, there have been many hilarious moments, ranging from when he and Kaneki exploded an egg in the microwave back in highschool - or, well, he blew it up despite Kaneki's exasperated warnings in the background - to that one time Amon told a joke (What do ghouls eat? Rawmen) when he was working at the CCG and Akira Mado, infamous for her heart and face of ice, spit water all over his face.
This clusterfuck of a fiasco is definitely going into the top ten though.
"Okay, first of all," Kaneki said, tone calm even though he looked as if someone had just violently and repeatedly slapped him in the face with a fish, "What the fuck."
Tsukiyama looked bewildered. "What? Is it not a good name?"
Touka buried her face in her hands with a groan of frustration probably because if she looked at Tsukiyama and his sparkles one more time she'd start getting the urge to rip his face off and according to Kimi homicidal urges are not good for the baby.
Kaneki put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “No,” he states firmly, “Just...no. No way in hell we are naming our child Trés bien.”
“But-!” Tsukiyama cries out dramatically, shining tears rolling down complete with sparkling roses in the background. He spins around, head thrown back and hand to his forehead in an almost complete rendition of a fainting Victorian lady.
Why he insists on repeating this gesture every time one of his names suggestions are rejected (currently thirty-six and counting) nobody knows, but if anyone had to hazard a guess it'd probably be for the drama. Hide has a private suspicion that either dramatics is just in the Tsukiyama blood or that he got dropped out of a window a tad too much as a kid.
“But it’s perfect! It’s the perfect reminder and memorial of how you and I first me-”
“No.” Tsukiyama may be a good friend who only wants the best for them and Kaneki knows that he did spend a lot of time thinking them up, but that name firmly crosses the line into Fuck No territory.
“Alright, alright,” Tsukiyama finally concedes and checks his (so far rather questionable) list of potential names for the baby which unfolds all the way down to his feet, eyes trekking down the long, long list of rejected names and Hide feels a looming dread. His paranoia is (unfortunately) confirmed correct. “Fine, okay, so how about Délicieux-"
“NO!” Groaned the remaining occupants of the room loudly in a rare feat of unison that is apparently only achievable after listening to horrifying name suggestions for the last hour and half.
At the side of the room where he had been watching in amusement, Hide moves forward and slings an arm around Touka's shoulders - to comfort her but also mostly to keep Tsukiyama from losing an eye or two, albeit temporarily.
He's not sure if it's just Touka or pregnant ghouls in general, but probably due to protectiveness of the child within her womb, Touka is more prone to violence than usual - which they realized after Nishiki argued with her last week and suddenly found himself one arm short.
Tsukiyama slumps in defeat into an unoccupied corner to sulk. “Fine, someone else choose then.”
From the side of the room, a voice drawls lazily. “How about half-bastard? Since it’s born from my sister and a bastar-Arrgh! What the fuck?”
“Don't be rude, Ayato!” Hinami scolded, not quite sure whether she should be amused or annoyed, mercilessly whacking him on the head again.
Scowling, Ayato mumbles grumpily under his breath. “Ow! …it’s true though.”
He's looking as though he's not quite sure whether to be offended or turned on either, Hide notes. Clearly, they suit each other.
Kaneki likes to call him Hide the Ultimate Thirsty Fanboy whenever he goes down these trains of thoughts while Touka has teasingly labelled it as his Hideyoshi Shipping Mode but neither of them complain much since it is what got the three of them together.
Leaning against the wall next to the door, Yomo suggested suddenly, “How about Shooting Star Wing? So that your child will shoot as high as the stars in life like their namesake.”
"Uncle Yomo," Hinami teases, raising an amused eyebrow "You're still not over the fact that we wouldn't let you change Hetare's name to Shooting Star Wing, are you?"
Beside her, Ayato snickers and Yomo gives him a disapproving look, seemingly embarrassed.
Before they can start arguing, Kaneki cuts in, slightly amused, turning to look at his wife. “So are we going to name him after a bird then?”
Touka scowls at him, “I told you," she sighed with the air of one who has had to repeat this many, many times already, "it’s a she. I can feel it.”
Sadly, if there was one thing Kaneki excelled at, other than managing to live a life absolutely riddled with tragedy and condensed suffering, getting mortally wounded multiple times and screaming a whole lot, it was remaining stubbornly rooted in his opinion while staring directly in the face of every sign pointing him wrong.
“He,” he insisted stubbornly.
“She.”
"He."
Hide whacked them both - well he whacked Kaneki and kind of just patted Touka on the head, since if he'd whacked Touka her instinct would probably have taken his arm off and he's not ready to part with it thank you very much - on their heads.
He then proceeded to flail his arms around in some weird pantomime that somehow conveyed something along the lines of guys stop I don't even know how many times I've listened to this argument but it's definitely taking years off my life and also Kaneki I love you bro but you're definitely wrong.
Usually he could have just blurted all that out, but since he's currently going through a voice treatment, he has to settle for trying to convey it through sign language and what ended up looking like an impromptu octopus imitation dance.
Thankfully, (and miraculously) both of them seemed to understand.
One of the things he loved about Kaneki though, really, was that he never gave up.
Barely a couple seconds later, Kaneki perked up. “I know!” He beams, all sunshine and rainbows and innocence and he and Touka immediately share a look of ah. This is already sounds like a bad idea and he hasn't even said it yet.“Why don't we name him after Takastuki Sen’s books or characters?”
Shocked silence greets his suggestion.
Hide honestly isn't sure if Kaneki was joking or not but right now he was getting the serious urge to grab him by the shoulders and shake it into him that okay yeah I know you worship her books because they kind of echo your ridiculously tragic life but considering she's also a sadistic mass-murderer who nearly killed you more than once maybe using her stories as an inspiration is not exactly your best idea ever.
Beside him, the incredulous look Touka is giving Kaneki tells him she's thinking along the exact same lines he has and is now trying to check if that vat of acid he fell in had messed with his head more than they had thought.
Ayato scoffs rather mockingly.“Hey, wasn’t that what you did with Goat?”
“It's-well," Hinami looks close to tearing out her hair trying to convey, tactfully, to Kaneki why his idea is a Bad Idea. "Just that...that...didn’t turn out very well, did it?”
Privately, Hide commends her for her effort - and pities her suffering. She's a nice girl - brave and smart and strong - and if he wasn't so bi for both Kaneki and Touka he'd probably have a crush on her too. So it'd be great if she and Ayato would just get toget-
"Kaneki," Yomo says gravely, snapping Hide out of his Ultimate Fanboy Shipping Mode, "Sorry, but I don't think any child, boy or girl, would ever want to be called Goat."
Kaneki looks heartbroken that his idea is being shot down faster than Switzerland shot down any unfortunate planes that flew into it's territory during WW2 - to be honest, his ideas aren't as bad as Tsukiyama's but it's coming real close. “W-well, I didn't say it'd be goat, of course, Takastuki Sen has lots of other books - there are good names like, like… uh…”
“The black goat? Egg? Mcgriffin? Hanged Man? Seriously?”
“Ayato." Hinami berated (see, those two are so good for each other his shipping sensors are never wrong) "Be nice to your brother-in-law.”
“Hey! I didn’t sign up for this shit." He scowled, "You forced me to come along.”
“B-but…” Kaneki stuttered helplessly.
“No, Kaneki." Touka interjects firmly, "I love you very, very much...but-just no.”
He slumps, pouting, and Hide moves over to fling his other arm over his shoulder in comfort. Kaneki looks slightly happier since clearly Hide is the best human comforter ever, and despite what a disaster this Name-deciding-meeting has been so far, he can't even complain - he's content with the two people he loves most in this world.
Meanwhile, the rest of the room resumes brooding, or, in Ayato’s case, sulking.
Naki arrives right then, proving that he really does have the best timing even when his life isn't at stake, with Miza in tow.Miza, now. That's a person he'll never understand. He's just never been able to figure out what even happened with her hair. Hide has always been naturally curious, and seriously, did she just get born with hair like that? Because he can rack his brain for days and still be unable to conceive the barest reason for why someone would ever choose to style her hair like two strings of ham buns on either side of her face and a sprout on top of her head.He'll give her points for uniqueness and creativity though.
“Hey guys!" Naki cheers, because good timing or not, his ability to read a room is about as high as a snowflake's chance in hell, and only seems to notice the stifling cloud of gloom surrounding the room's occupants when Miza elbows him rather forcefully in the gut.
"Huh? Why are you- Um, guys, it’s awfully quiet in here. Oi, what’s with this horrible silence, I thought you guys were thinking of a name!"
"Ah, we were, mon ami," Tsukiyama mutters dejectedly from where he's been doing god knows what in his sulking corner, "But now we have hit an unfortunate impasse and are now stuck wandering aimlessly as one does in life - without purpose and without a reason to live. This is truly what they call the suffering of those alive, non?"
So apparently he'd been going through a mini existential crisis in the corner. Hide makes a mental note to send him something nice to cheer him up later. Maybe a fruit basket. Do ghouls even eat fruit? He's not quite sure. Ah, well.
Naki frowns, thinking, then brightens up. Hide has a feeling that whatever he's about to say will be absolutely no help at all. As per every time he's felt this in the past hour, he is proven firmly correct.
"Don’t worry! If you can’t decide on one name, then you can just make more kids and use them all like we did!”
Absolutely no help and-well. If nothing else, Hide now knows why on Earth they've already had nine children and are still counting.
He wouldn't have attributed that to an abundance of names though - he'd thought it'd be the opposite, considering Shiroi, Nagi, Nage, Mirei, Marin, Zei, Sonki, Yanagi and Warai sounds like they've been named by someone running out of names and desperately seeking inspiration by naming them whatever.
Touka gives Naki a look like he just insulted her entire family lineage and their cat.
“Well," she drawls dryly, "That would certainly be helpful if we could agree on even so much as just one name.”
"...Oh.""Yes, oh."
Two years later
"Mama!"
"Yes, Ichika?" Her mama asked as she reached down to lift up her up to the kitchen counter.
"Mama, what does my name mean?"
Touka hummed in thought, tipping her head to one side. "Well, we named you Ichika. Ichi （一） meaning one, the first child and ka （花） because of how beautiful and radiant you are and will become. You are the first flower who will bloom, born into a world full of hope and peace.”
Ichika grinned widely. She had no idea what Mama was talking about but it sounded good!
"So how did you decide my name?" She asked, "Nobody will tell me, Papa bursts into laughter whenever I ask and Daddy just groans and does that thing he does whenever his head hurts."
Touka was silent for a long while. Eventually, she laughed softly and smiled.
"Well," She said, "It's kind of a funny story."