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“Just say yes and all of this will stop,”the nasally voice suggested again. Dean looked at the thing, its yellow eyes twin points of flame in its blackened twisted frame. It scored a clawed hand down his side, cutting through ribs sinews everything. Alastair loomed closer grinning mouth full of needle sharp teeth, “Just say yes, Dean and this will stop.”“Screw you,” Pain was his reward, unending pain. He lost track of how many times he was torn apart, tortured with visions of Sam dying over and over or worse still, being tortured beside him. He began to lose himself, memories frittering away and life unwinding into the ever present agony of now. Until the moment came when he had nothing left, when the demon came and asked him again and he forgot to say screw you and instead had said “Please”. The pain started when he picked up the knife and stopped again when he used it. Every soul he cut darkened him, every scream he ignored scarred his soul a little more. All the time Alasdair hovered close, threatening and praising as Dean hacked the humanity from his own soul, dragging himself further into the pit with every stroke. Then a moment when it all stopped, Alasdair screamed in alarm and vanished as the red darkness of hell was flooded with light. Something seized Dean in it grasp, a grip that burned with starlight. The light was so pure Dean wanted to run from it, ashamed at his souls darkness. it held him fast and drew him upwards, he had the impression of massive wings around him. “Be not afraid” the voice pierced his soul and he ceased to struggle, it was amused, as vast as the ocean and so very old. “You have been saved,” it told him triumphantly “and you are forgiven.” Dean wanted to hide he felt so unclean, he curled in on himself shaking and more afraid then he had ever been in the pit. What ever it was seemed to sense his fear, it hoisted him a little peering at him with giant eyes that were like stars.“Who are you?”“My name is Castiel” as it said its name, Dean was enveloped by a wave of love, wrapped and soothed he forgot his fear, Castiel seemed pleased, or rather it radiated satisfaction. “It is time to go home,” Dean’s arm burned for a moment and he opened his eyes to darkness. He lay still for a moment, lungs burning as he drew breath. His memories were disappearing into a void of flames, he tried to hold on to the light, to the being who loved him..but it slipped from his ability to recall and there was nothing. He coughed, spluttered decided he was alive and found the lighter in his pocket. Far above him the angel circled, unseen and waiting.
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Dean pulled his t-shirt over his head and pulled on his boxers, “I’m going to shower” he called over his shoulder feeling awkward. Why was it always like this afterwards?“Fine” Cas grunted, he sounded annoyed. Dean shook his head and turned round, Cas was lying on his side, rumpled sheets tossed casually over his nakedness.“Are you pissed at me?”just once it would be nice if one of their clandestine sessions didn’t end up with one of them spitting teeth. Dean didn’t understand it, the sex was fine, great even, but inevitably he or Cas would say something and the whole thing would be ruined and yet they kept doing this. Week after week, hunt after hunt, they would wait for Sam to go on some errand and then fall into bed. “No I am not ‘pissed at you” Cas threw the sheet off and stood up, Dean felt the blood rising to his cheeks. Cas was fit, ridiculously fit, he looked away.“It sounds like you are.”“Not everything is about you Dean” Cas was pulling on his clothes, his movements jerky, angry.“I know that Cas” Dean said softly trying to diffuse the situation. But he was starting to feel annoyed too.“Do you Dean? because sometimes I wonder.”“What’s that supposed to mean” Dean folded his arms and glared at the angel.“Nothing” Cas sat back down to pull on his boots.“Yes it did, out with it!”“I said nothing, it’s nothing.” Cas rolled his eyes, Dean took a breath and tried to ignore the tension in his jaw.“Sure nothing, fine.” Dean took a step towards the bathroom, he stopped when he heard Cas sigh. Clearly this wasn’t nothing, he was at a loss. “What’s eating you Cas?” Dean felt even more uncomfortable with those blue eyes staring at him.“Are you ever going to tell Sam about us?” The question caught Dean off guard he even laughed out of nervousness.“You think this is funny?”“No, of course not” Dean’s voice sounded too high to his ears, he coughed, “Why would you ask that?”“Because um,i dislike sneaking around. It feels wrong.” Cas paused “Are you ashamed of this? Of us?”“Oh” Dean was flabbergasted he didn’t know how to answer that.“Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore” Cas was staring at his feet, one boot dangling from his fingers. Dean felt a rush of panic, the thought of never having this again hurt, it cut him to the bone.“Don’t say that”“What’s the point Dean?”“Does there have to be a point?”Dean felt panic bubbling up in his belly, ‘just say it you idiot’ the part of him he always ignored whispered.“So this “ Cas gestured between them “doesn’t mean anything.”“Cas we are having a good time,” the expression on Cas’ face said otherwise “does it have to be more than that?” He regretted the words as soon as he had said them. Cas gave him an icy stare and pulled on his boot, why couldn’t he just say it? ‘Whats wrong with me?’he wondered. Cas stood up folding his trenchcoat over his arm.“I’m going to find Sam.” the angel snorted and headed for the door.“Wait Cas, just wait” Dean darted forwards and stood in front of the door.“Well Dean” head tilted, waiting, so damn beautiful. “Cas I..”“Just say it.” Cas tapped his foot made a show of his impatience. Throat suddenly dry, Dean closed his eyes and gathered his courage.“I love you”
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Dean reached above his head and snagged another beer from the kitchen table. He was sitting on the floor looking through old photographs, remembering his Mom, his Dad, Bobby and Sam as a kid. Precious memories, he had always treated them like crystal. But now she was alive again, thanks to the whim of some all powerful being who thought she owed Dean something. Some of those crystals were starting to crack. Oh they had taken a beating over the years, the realisation that theirs had never been a ‘normal’ family was a notion he had to drop as so much horse shit years ago. Still he wondered how many more of his childhood certainties he would be forced to give up. A footstep made him look up “Hey Cas.”“Why are you sat on the floor in the dark?” the angel tilted his head the way he always did when he found human behaviour puzzling. Dean ignored the now familiar jolt that the sound of Cas’ voice sent through him.“It’s been a rough couple of days, I guess I just needed some thinking time”“I’ll leave you too it” Something in Cas’ tone, disappointment maybe?”“Cas, wait join me”“On the floor?” he sounded dubious.“Yeah c’mon” Dean patted the space next to him.“Alright.” Cas arranged himself carefully, pulling his trench coat flat so it would not crease. He stretched his legs out next to Dean’s.“Look at this. Sammie when he was about eight, he was a weird ass looking kid” Cas took the photograph gingerly, like it was a precious relic. Which to Dean it was.“Yes his teeth seem to big for his head.” Dean found himself laughing at that.“You’re not wrong Cas.” Dean sipped his beer and took another picture from the pile, “I miss that old son of a bitch” he muttered, He passed the photo to Cas.“Ahh Bobby” Cas smiled, his gaze caught deans and held it. Why was it even in this dim light those blue eyes seemed to shine. “I miss him too Dean, I miss all of them.” Uncomfortable Dean coughed and looked away. He heard Cas sigh sadly and immediately felt bad, then the usual confusion set in as to the reason why he felt bad.“Why didn’t you come to dinner Cas, Mom asked where you were.” A lame attempt to change the subject.“I thought you two could use some family time with your mother. I didn’t want to intrude.”“Cas you wouldn’t have been intruding, you are family” That was answered with another sigh, Dean noticed Cas clench his hands together. “Are you alright buddy?”“I’m fine.” A sharp note in his friends voice, “How’s your mother?” Cas’ turn to change the subject.“I don’t know, she seems fine. Or as fine as can be expected after thirty odd years of being dead.”“And what about you?”“I’m okay.” Unconvincing even to his own ears, Cas squeezed his shoulder, Dean found himself trapped in that piercing blue gaze again.“What is wrong with me Cas?, we have lost so many people. You’d think that getting one back would make me happy. But I’m just sat here waiting for something bad to happen.” His friends eyes were full of compassion.“You’re worried you are going to lose her again.” It wasn’t a question.“Cas I can’t even think about that. I can’t lose anyone else, not Mom, not Sam and not you. Not ever again” Dean blinked trying to clear the tears that blurred his vision. One escaped to slide down his check. Cas wiped it away, then froze when he realised what he had done, he stared at Dean in trepidation. Dean swallowed hard he could barely breath.“Dean I-”“Don’t Cas, just do what ever it was you were going to do.” Cas’ fingers running down his cheek, a lightening touch, making Deans heart pound. He shivered and took the knot of the angels tie in a shaky hand. His angel smiled, that rare wide beautiful smile that made his eyes sparkle and tentatively he pressed his lips to Dean’s, Dean shifted and pulled him closer, kissed him harder.“I will never leave you and I will always come back to you”
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“Now are you sure you understand.”“Yes, Dean.” Cas sighed, it was the fourth time Dean had asked.“You can’t just go in all guns blazing.”“I know, I’m not exactly an amateur.” Cas was trying to stay calm, but Deans lack of faith in his abilities was irritating.“I know, I don’t want you to do anything stupid.” Green eyes looking at him with concern, Cas resisted the urge to kiss away that fear.“I won’t do anything stupid, I promise.” He gave in and kissed Dean anyway, in the back seat Sam slumbered on blissfully unaware. A slight smile was his reward, it was all he needed.“Are you sure you are ready?”“Yes Dean”, ‘baby, baby i’m going to leave you, when the summertime comes rollin’ in’ Crooned Robert Plant through the Impala’s speakers. Their tape, their music, their songs.“I mean this is important, the most important thing.” Dean was hyped up. Cas understood of course it was a big thing.“Dean, I am more than capable.”“I know sunshine, its just difficult for me” another sigh. “Just be careful okay?”“I will” He tried to be as sincere as possible, there was no real way to know how this would turn out, Plant wailing his way through the chorus, how was it Cas had never understood those words till now ‘Babe, I’m gonna leave you, Oh, baby, you know, I’ve really got to leave you Oh I can hear it callin ‘me I said don’t you hear it callin’ me the way it used to do?’ Cas glanced at the back seat Sam was still comatose. He reached out and cradled Deans face gently drawing it down for a long kiss. “I love you” he whispered.“I love you too Cas” both smiling like fools.“That said, I know how to drive dumbass” he turned the key in the Impala’s ignition.
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Conversations with the Devil’s baby Momma.“This place is nice.” Kelly walked down the short hall shedding her coat.“You sound surprised.” Cas felt mildly annoyed, but since ‘mildly annoyed’ was his ground state of being these days, he pushed it to one side.“I didn’t mean anything by it Castiel.”“Cas. ““What?”“I prefer Cas, if you don’t mind.” Kelly looked apologetic.“I’m sorry, I didn’t know angels had nick names.”“They don’t usually.” Cas hid the embarrassment of the confession by picking Kelly’s coat up and rehanging it on the hook in a more precise manner. When he risked a look at her she was regarding him with an odd expression.“You are a strange one Cast-, Cas.”“I’ve been on earth a long time, I’m not just a hammer Kelly.”“I know that Cas.” She clutched her belly “Maybe that’s why he likes you, maybe he doesn’t want to be someone’s tool either.” She smiled that slow sad smile of hers, and started to climb the stairs, “I’m going to look at the bedrooms, lets pick a nursery.” She saw his hesitation, “Come on Cas, help me pick your nephews room.”Later after Kelly had gone for a nap, Cas dared to get his phone out. Fifteen messages from Dean, each getting progressively more angry, in the last one he hadn’t even bothered to correct ‘ducking’, ‘WHAT THE DUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, CALL ME YOU DICK’. Five from Sam, each one more conciliatory than the last, Sam always the peacemaker these days. Cas slumped in his chair, the urge to call Dean was strong. What was he doing? What the hell was he doing? He rubbed his face reaching up to grab handfuls of his own hair. He missed Dean, he had thought it would be easier, but he missed him. The rock hard certainty that Kelly’s child had imbued him with was fading. The old doubts were badgering him like hell hounds. What if he was wrong? What if he had thrown away his family for something that may never come to pass? Tears escaped from his eyelids and trickled between his fingers. “Dean, I’m sorry” he muttered.“Cas what’s wrong?” A hesitant foot step and Kelly was in front of him, her hair mussed from sleep, her eyes concerned, she kneeled down and pulled his hands away from his face.“I’m okay”“That’s a lie, do angels lie now?”“When the occasion requires it.”“That’s what you are going to teach my son?” Her tone mock serious.“Kelly-”“There now you are smiling” she smiled back him.“What if I am wrong Kelly, what if you are wrong?.”“I’m not wrong Cas, you are not wrong.” she was emphatic, her belief shining brightly in her eyes. “I just want to keep everybody safe.” Cas scrubbed the tears from his face, Kelly stood up awkwardly one hand on her back, the other resting on her now enormous stomach. “This is the right thing Cas.”“I hope so, I have a history of making bad choices. Choices which have hurt people I love. I don’t think I have the strength to go through that again.” A soft buzz from his phone alerted him to another text. He picked it up, unsure as to whether to read it or not. He glanced at the notification, Dean again. He shoved the cell back in his pocket.“Was that Dean again?” She asked softly.“How did you know?”“Cas, I’m pregnant, not blind.” Cas wasn’t sure what she meant for a moment, then realisation dawned.“I didn’t know it was that obvious.” “I’m going to make some peppermint tea, this indigestion is awful, you want some?”“I’ll make it for you, you need to rest” Cas started to get up, only for Kelly to stop him with a stern look.“I can do it, you have been driving all day. Relax.”“I’m not good at relaxing.” Kelly just shrugged and tossed the TV remote at him, he caught it awkwardly.“Learn Cas, if your not relaxed, then I’m not relaxed and Jack isn’t relaxed.”“Fine.”“Pregnant lady is always right, get used to it.”
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“Goodbye Cas” He’d said it out loud as he watched the flames of pyre consume his angel, repeating it in his head over and over as the smoke rose against the setting sun. Trying to to crush down the sick empty feeling rising inside him like a grey tide. He craved nothingness, numbness, darkness; if he had known a way, in that instant he would have killed his soul. What good was the promise of eternal life if half of your soul was already dead? What was the good of anything. At some point Sam and Jack went back inside the house, Sam came back a minute later with a bottle of bourbon, which he gave to Dean without comment. Without looking at his brother, Dean slipped the Impala’s keys from his pocket and held them out. “Take the kid, go home.”“Dean-”“Sammie please” His brother hesitated, Dean could feel concern radiating off him. “I’m not going to do anything stupid, what would be the point? I’ll take Cas’ truck follow you in a while.”“Dean I’m not going to just leave you here.”“Sammie, I’m not asking you.” He heard his voice break, Sam seemed to get the message. His brother backed away hands held up.“Okay Dean, just don’t be too long.” Sam walked away, Dean returned his gaze to the blazing fire. After a while he heard the Impala’s engine roar as Sam and Jack left, that was when he finally sagged to his knees.The scream of rage and grief seemed to come from every part of him at once, it tore up his throat; the primeval cry of a wounded dying animal, “Why?”. No answer, just memories bubbling up to torture him. Blue eyes looking at him with love, with worry, with desperation; blue eyes that saw through every mask Dean wore, every lie he told himself. Those eyes were closed forever and the last time, the last fucking time he had really looked into them they had been full of repentance.They had sat in the kitchen alone for a minute, while the others prepared for Lucifer’s arrival. Cas had looked at Dean.“I’m so sorry.” he had whispered, and Dean had shrugged it off, touched the stubbly cheek and kissed Cas lightly.“We will talk about it later” He had said still annoyed. If he had known it was the last time, he would have held him tight, he would have said so many things. Right now he would give anything for his last memory of those blue eyes, to not be the last and for them to be filled with something other than pain.“Cas, I’m so sorry-please” he stopped knowing it was no good, knowing no one was listening.
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“You may be able to forget about that-but I can’t!” Dean was gone leaving those final words ringing in Sam’s ears, probably back to his room to drink himself to unconsciousness. Sam sat at the table and realised he had been an idiot, a totally blind idiot. What was that expression Crowley used? “Bollocks” it seemed to cover everything he was feeling. He made himself think about the last couple of years, made himself re-evaluate everything. Dean’s obsession with saving Cas from Amara, the multiple phone calls, the bickering and the way Cas had suddenly started spending more time at the bunker. Sam groaned and covered his face, then he remembered last valentines day. When Dean had an unexplained hicky on his neck and Sam was sure he had not gone out. Okay he had his suspicions, so had other people. Jody had once asked him straight out “Is Cas Dean’s boyfriend?” he had laughed it off, made a joke of it. He remembered as well that Jody had looked him in a weird way, almost as if she thought he was stupid or lying to himself.He had been lying to himself that much was obvious, not just that he had hurt his brother. Hurt him without even meaning too. He knew why of course, Dean had always been the strong one. The one that held their family together and over the years Sam had grown to expect that, it was Dean’s job. Who had been holding Dean together all this time? Cas-and Sam had just dismissed Dean’s grief, told him to mourn later.“I’m a fucking moron” He told himself out loud and wiped traitorous tears from his cheeks. Throwing their Dad in his brother’s face as well, understandable maybe, but now Sam felt sick. “Why didn’t you just tell me, you idiot”“Tell you what?”Jack stood in the doorway, there were tears in the kids eyes.“Sorry Jack, I was talking to myself.”“Has Dean gone.” Wariness like a frightened animal. Sam took a breath, they were all broken it seemed and this time it was up to him to put them back together.“Yeah, I think he went to his room. You understand why he is angry though Jack?”“Yes, I heard him. He’s not angry though, he’s sad.”Jack sat down gingerly, ready to run if Dean should appear.“Yes he is very sad and that makes him angry.”“You’re not as sad. Castiel was your friend you told me, but you-”“Cas was like my brother Jack, but he and Dean they were very close.” Sam’s voice shook, he had to swallow a sob, someone had to be strong here. The kid looked at him with eyes that were not that different to Cas’ really.“You should tell him., you should tell him you know.”“I don’t think that’s a good idea Jack, Deans not in a good place right now. I don’t want to make him feel worse.” Jack wasn’t looking at Sam, he was staring in the direction of Deans room.“I don’t think there is any way to make him feel worse.”The kid paused and pushed his hair out of his eyes, then rubbed his neck the way Cas used to when he was embarrassed. “before I was born, I sometimes used to hear my Father and Mom talking. Castiel said you and Deans problem was you would make things much more complicated than they needed to be.”“well he wasn’t wrong about that.” Sam found himself smiling.“So maybe you should talk to him” Jack trapped Sam with that blue eyed gaze. “before things get worse.” Sam leaned back the kid was right, what was he a week old? and he was right.He walked along the corridor in trepidation, Deans door was shut. He knocked lightly, no response. He tried again with more force. “Go the fuck away.”“Dean, I need to talk to you.”“I told you to leave me alone.” His brothers voice sounded strange, hoarse and broken. Sam hesitated before turning the door knob, not locked. “Sammie please-”pleading now. Sam took a look around the darkened room, lit only by a lamp lying on its side. It was a mess, books and papers strewn across the floor mixed with beer and bourbon bottles. His brother sat on the bed, a grey blanket wrapped round his shoulders and an angel blade laid across his knees. As he drew closer Sam saw the tip of the blade was clotted with dried blood. Oh god, he knew instinctively whose blood that was.“Dean-” Words failed him, how had he not known? Carefully he sat down next to his brother, Dean seemed to have shrunk, shoulders hunched, head hanging and one hand resting on the hilt of the angel blade. He took a breath, the air in the room was stale tinged with alcohol fumes and some thing more insidious-regret. Carefully as if his brother was made of glass Sam draped an arm over his shoulders. “I’m sorry man, I didn’t know. Well maybe I did but- I don’t know.” No response “Dean please say something.” His brother sighed a long drawn out sound like a death rattle.“I loved him Sammie, I never thought I could love some one like that.” Sam’s throat closed up, he wanted to ask a million questions, but he restrained himself. Instead he pulled his brother into a hug.“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I was so blind. I’m sorry I expected you to just get on with it. Take all the time you need okay.” Dean finally met his eyes, Sam was horrified at the emptiness there.“I don’t think it ever will be okay again Sammie.”“Dean, you still have me and Jack, wouldn’t Cas want you to look after him?”“I can’t Sammie, I just can’t.”“Okay. Then I’ll look after you and Jack.” Sam tightened his grip on his brother and sat there until Deans head lolled against his shoulder. Carefully he lifted the soiled Angel blade on to the night stand and laid his brother down, tucking the blanket round him securely. Remembering all the times Dean had tucked him in as a child, had soothed his nightmares and generally made the world bearable. Now it was Sam’s turn and the immensity of the task scared him. For the first time Sam allowed himself to pray, not to Chuck, but to Cas. “I’m sorry Cas, please come home.”
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The Sea inside.He was on a shore-line, waves breaking in a constant rhythm the foamy remains racing towards his feet. He took a step back and looked up, the stars were strange. The constellations out of alignment and yet he knew them still. He glanced round the land was empty, no trees, no animals and no people and there wouldn’t be, not for a very long time. Just the sea whispering to him and the stars burning far above. He walked a little way along the beach, leaving the first foot prints this world had ever known. He paused, this was wrong. He should leave no trace, this was before vessels, before everything, before anything had ever happened.“Do you remember this day?” A voice asked quietly.“No.”“You should Castiel, it was the day I made you,” he was short, ginger hair and beard peppered with grey, calm blue eyes watching him carefully. “I never knew what you would do son.”“Father.”“That’s right,” smiling Chuck turned to regard the rolling sea, he took a deep satisfied breath. “I never saw what you are becoming Castiel.”“Are you really here?”“No and neither are you, really.”“I have to go home, I have to get back to Sam and Dean.” The remembrance brought panic and an ache in his chest. Chuck took him by the shoulders, he examined Cas’ face minutely and smiled again.“You will son, but first you have to put yourself back together. All of yourself, including the bits that are missing.”“I don’t understand.”“You got away from the empty, but you are not whole. Try to remember, try to remember everything.”War in Heaven, battlefields littered with his brothers and sisters, Lucifer laughing and then screaming as he was thrown down and sealed in the cage.A mud brick tower falling, while people screamed his fathers name in despair. The voices becoming more desperate as they realised they could not understand each other.A green valley trapped between burning deserts, Mothers screaming as they found their first born dead-so much pain, he had given in to doubt that day and refused to smite pharaoh’s son. Another had done the deed in his place, Naomi and he had been made to forget.Sodom and Gomorrah their streets running with blood and vengeance, he had stalked those streets death in bright clothes until once again he had refused to kill the innocent and he had been made to forget.More screams a terrified woman and the high pitched scream of a child, cut off suddenly. Ishim his brother explaining why it had been necessary. But still the creeping return of doubt, this time lodged so far deep none knew it but him.Dragging a human soul from hell, feeling it in his arms. All that pain, all that misery for what? For love of a brother. Knowing what was required of that rescued soul and the uncertainty returning.A bench in snow and the weight of heaven on his shoulders, trying to do the right thing, always trying.Naomi settling that old, old score. “You have never done what you were told.”He dropped to his knees, fists clutching at the wet sand and seeing Dean’s face in front of him bloodied pleading “I need you.”“I need you too.” He closed his eyes, took a deep shuddering breath. He had nothing to answer for, nothing. It wasn’t about right and wrong, It was about making a choice and living with the consequences. The pain of disobedience was illusionary, he let it go and felt lighter. One more choice to make, what was the line from that movie? “No place like home.”Warm sunlight on his eyelids, the sound of bees busy somewhere close by. He opened his eyes wide disbelieving stumbled to his feet, catching at the dried grasses for confirmation that this was real. He opened his coat, no trace of the wound inflicted by Lucifer. He was whole, he was himself and he was back. Tipping his head to the sun he smiled, yes he was back, but not home not yet. Just a little further to go. He could feel the call already, a curl of need so intense it squeezed his heart.“I’ll be there soon,”
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Sam.Disbelief was Sam’s first reaction, if he hadn’t heard the phone ring he would have assumed his brother was starting to hallucinate. “Dean are you sure it was him?”“It was him Sammie, it was Cas.” Sam was pushed back in his seat as Dean dropped his foot on the accelerator.“How do you know?”“I just know, okay,” Sam smacked into Baby’s door as Dean swung the wheel violently, her wheels spun as she hit the off ramp.“Dude can we talk about this for a second?” For possibly the first time in his life Sam thought about putting his seatbelt on as the car bounced across a minor road and back up the on ramp in the opposite direction. “Dean! At least slow down.” His brother gave him an angry look, but he did ease off the accelerator slightly. Sam took a breath, his brother was hunched over the wheel eyes intent on the road. “Dean, it can’t be Cas, it could be Asmodeus playing games.”“Sammie, I’m only going to say this once, shut the fuck up,” there was a savage note in Dean’s voice. Sam decided that arguing was pointless, his brother seemed to have gone beyond reason. They drove the rest of the way in silence, Dean pushing the impala to the limit and Sam expecting to get pulled over or end up scattered along the highway. It wasn’t until they pulled in to the half lit alley way and he saw the familiar figure stood by the pay phone that he allowed himself to try and warn Dean again.“Dean are you sure?” but Dean was already out of the car Sam followed a second later, he stopped and stayed standing by the impala, watching his brother and his best friend. The nagging suspicion that was more to this than he realised was back. He couldn’t see Dean’s face, he saw him hesitate.“Dean?” Cas’ didn’t even seem to see Sam, he was looking only at Dean his eyes filled with mingled relief and hope. At the sound of his name Dean surged forward catching Cas in a hug and burying his face in the angels neck. Cas wrapped his arms tightly around Dean bringing a hand up to rest lightly in his hair. Sam took a couple of steps forward, stowing the angel blade he had drawn back in his jacket pocket.“Cas-,” Sam wanted to ask so many questions but one look at his friends face silenced him. Cas was smiling, that small half smile he had seen so rarely and he was crying tears sliding down his face.“It’s okay, I’m back. I’m really back.” he muttered into Deans hair.Sam watched them realisation growing and feeling like an utter idiot, I tried to fix this with chilli fries and strippers!I’m a moron he told himself. Cas had reluctantly let go of Dean now, Sam felt another jolt of guilt as his brother looked over his shoulder then back at Cas as if to say ‘not in front of Sammie’. Cas Squeezed Deans shoulder one more time before walking over to Sam.“Hi Sam,” Sam swallowed the lump in his throat and hugged the angel, hoping Cas wouldn’t feel the angel blade in his inside pocket. If he did Cas gave no sign he just smiled at Sam.“We missed you dude” He couldn’t trust himself to say anything else, he let go and without asking Dean climbed into the back seat of the Impala. He spent the drive home pretending he couldn’t see them holding hands across the front seat. Dean.“Hello Dean” That voice, he knew it instantly. If someone had asked him how he would not have been able to tell them how he knew, he just knew. Sam was looking at him concerned.“What?”“Its Cas”“What?” Disbelief in his brothers voice, Dean ignored him. Tried to ignore the way his heart started to beat like it wanted to burst from his chest or the cold sweat that suddenly drenched his body. He gripped the steering wheel tighter with his free hand.“Where are you?” Cas answered that a little uncertainly some two bit town a couple of hours down the interstate. “Okay you stay there, do not move you hear me. I’m coming right now.” he cut the call. Sam was still looking at him.“Dean are you sure its him?” What kind of stupid question was that? Dean had never been so sure of anything in his life, he glared at his brother.“It was him Sammie, it was Cas,” Panic that this would turn out to not be real made him pump the accelerator harder than usual sorry baby but this is important he told the car.“How do you know?”“I just know” he snarled at Sam as he swung off the ramp. Sam kept talking for a few more seconds Dean heard a few words mostly ‘slow down’ he did ease off the gas a little.“It can’t be Cas, it could be Asmodeus playing games.” Sam pointed out calmly. Dean realised he was grinding his teeth, he wasn’t in the mood for calm and he wasn’t up for explaining anything to Sam right now.“Sammie, I’m only going to say this once, shut the fuck up,” mercifully Sam snapped his mouth closed. Dean was grateful how could he explain things? by the way Sammie, I’m in love with our best friend and I have been for years, yeah that was a conversation he really wanted to have right now. The whole drive Dean kept expecting to wake up in some cheap hotel room with an empty bottle of jack and a void where his heart should be, hope can be a terrible thing.That was until he pulled the car up in that dirty alley with its tacky neon crucifix bathing a heartbreakingly familiar figure in white light. Dean was out of the car in a flash, he stopped a few feet short. Part of him still thinking this was some nightmare, that in a moment he would wake up and this would all fade away back into nothingness. Cas turned round, blue eyes bright with un-shed tears, his mouth opened a few times as if he was trying to find words, there are no words Dean almost caught the thought.“Dean?” That voice, saying his name, he’d never thought he would hear it again. He blundered forward grabbed the angel hiding his face in the warmth of his neck so Cas’ wouldn’t see the tears already coursing down his cheeks. There was so much he wanted to say, but his chest was too tight and he was afraid if he tried to speak all that would come out was a sob. Cas’ arms were tight around him, his fingers stroking Deans hair lightly. “Its okay I’m back, I’m really back.”“I thought I lost you for good this time” he managed to breath into Cas’ ear.“Never,” Dean didn’t want to let go, but he eventually let his arms fall to his sides, Dean watched Cas hug Sam briefly. He couldn’t take his eyes off his angel, not for a moment. He did however see the look on Sam’s face as his younger brother silently got into the back seat of the Impala. There was no mistaking it Sam knew now, Dean sighed that was a conversation for later. Cas got in the passenger seat, he smiled at Dean. It was his special smile the one Dean had seen maybe twice in the last decade the one that crinkled his eyes making them light up like stars.“Time to go home sunshine.” Cas.The preacher who had picked him up on the side of the road was gone, but he had taken the time to find Cas a pay phone and given him some change. He dialled the number with trepidation in his heart. He had been telling himself it was Dean he could feel calling to him though there was no guarantee that he was still alive. The mystery of his resurrection still clouded his mind, he pushed it away. Not important, right now he needed to find his way home. The phone rang a couple of times, but it seemed like forever before it was answered. “Yeah,”relief rippled through him accompanied by the familiar jolt of electric at the sound of that voice.“Hello Dean,” He heard Deans sharp intake of breath, “Its me I’m back-somehow, I don’t know-” he was blabbering he realised and shut up.“Where are you?!” No hesitation from his friend, no doubt. Cas was pathetically grateful for that, he gave him his location resisting the urge to shout Dean I love you down the phone. Time enough for that conversation later, time enough for everything later. “Okay you stay there, do not move, you hear me. I’m coming right now,” the urgency in Deans voice the need, made Cas swallow a sob.“I’ll just wait here then.” There had been another time he had stood in the cold waiting for Dean, it seemed so long ago now. I’ve changed so much, the old him would never have done this, would never have placed so much faith in a human. Yet here he was waiting for Dean to save him-again. He smiled to himself. He was back, we have time to get things right. It was a long wait in the cold, Cas spent it replaying memories, Dean’s smile, the way his eyes would shift from hazel to bright green depending on his mood and the way he would laugh at cartoons like a child. It was only when he heard the Impala’s engine roar to a stop behind him that he froze. What if this was all some awful trick, what if it wasn’t real? Would everything turn to ashes when he turned round? He heard the car door slam and his heart jumped. He turned slowly wanting to believe, hoping and there was Dean a few feet away. He looked older and more tired than Cas’ had ever seen him. Cas’ opened his mouth to speak he couldn’t there are no words. “Dean?” He managed to say the name without letting out the sobs pent up in his chest. Dean covered the distance between them in two quick strides, his hands grabbed at Cas surprising him. Automatically he closed his arms around Dean, feeling the warmth of tears on his skin as his friend, no, my lover Cas corrected himself, buried his head into his neck and cried silent tears. “Its okay I’m back, I’m really back” Cas stroked Dean’s hair, how many times had he imagined doing just that? “I thought I lost you for good this time,” it was barely a whisper, Cas hugged Dean harder.“Never,” he meant it too, he could feel waves of pain and hopelessness peeling away as he held Dean, I will never let you suffer like this again, he promised him. He saw Sam standing uncertainly by the car, saw him stow an angel blade back in his jacket. He was loath to let Dean go, eventually they disentangled themselves. Cas allowed himself to squeeze Deans shoulder briefly before walking up to Sam and hugging his best friend, he felt Sam relax. What ever doubt Sam had been holding onto seemed to vanish.“We missed you dude.” Sam’s voice was strange, thick with something unspoken. He returned Cas’ smile and to the angels surprise and eternal gratitude climbed in the Impala’s back seat. Cas slipped in to the passenger side, he looked over at Dean and felt nothing but joy.“Time to go home sunshine.”“Okay Dumbass,” Cas’ reached across the seat and entwined his fingers with Dean’s shyly, feeling his heart jolt as Dean squeezed back.“Lets go home.”
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Billie sat cross legged on the flat roof of a church overlooking the dirty alley. One hand resting under her chin the other curled round the handle of the scythe lying across her lap. She smiled to herself as the angel emerged from the shadows and fed quarters into the pay phone, she could feel his nervousness, his need and his confusion at being dragged into the light once more.“Does that thing even work?” a voice asked next to her.“It does now.” Billie flicked her fingers lazily before turning to face the interloper. A scruffy man in a green jacket“Thought you were on vacation?”“We were, I told him we should pop back, check on the kids” Another voice, female this time.“Amara.” Billy acknowledged her with a regal nod and a smile.“I think I will like you much more than the last incumbent.”“We should do lunch,” Billie returned her attention to the alley way, the angel was on the phone talking in a rapid whisper.“What are you doing here, Billie?” Chuck looked as worried as the creator of the universe was capable, he cast repeated anxious glances into the alley.“Don’t worry I’m not here to break your toys” She stood up gracefully taking a step forward so she was face to face with god. She had to bend down slightly to meet his gaze, which pleased her greatly. “You know if it wasn’t for the rules, I would end you now for what you have done to this little world” she allowed supernova to flare and die in her eyes. Chuck swallowed and took a step backwards. “But there are rules, As for why I am here. I read the book now I want to see the movie,” She straightened up, just as the Impala rumbled down the alleyway. They watched as the human and the angel stared at each other in disbelief, before finally embracing in a storm of emotion.“Some of my best work,” Chuck sighed.“And yet you lost some of it in the empty, careless,” Billie, resisted making the stars explode in her eyes again, Chuck at least had the decency to look sorry.“The thing in the empty, is it asleep again?”“For now, but whether it will stay that way?, is anybody’s guess” Billie gripped the scythe tight, time to go, places to be, people to reap and a universe to protect from the chaos created by it’s own inhabitants. “Amara, lets have that lunch,” she smiled at Chuck “Not you just us girls, be seeing you.”
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Dean was sat on the edge of his bed, clenching the sheets with his fists and trying to fight down the panic swelling in his chest. The whole drive home to the bunker he had been flooded with relief and thankfulness. Cas had ridden shot-gun and Sam had snoozed in the back. His angel had barely spoken to him just looked at him with a fond smile every few miles, it was more than enough. Dean was fine right up until the moment Cas had hugged Jack. Terror hit him in the stomach as he looked at his family, he felt his whole body stiffen and it was difficult to drag air into his lungs. He must have made some noise because Cas was staring at him, eyes wide with concern. “Dean are you alright?”“I’m fine, I just need to-ah-I’ll be right back” and now here he was sat in his room in the dark while his heart thundered painfully with the realisation that he could lose them all again. He could lose Cas again, that at some point he would have to go through this again. He could not get enough air in to his chest and he was powerless to stop the tears streaming down his face. He had been resigned to losing everyone, even Sam eventually. He had refused to let him self care about the kid, refused to take responsibility for another life he would not be able to save. The universe had not co-operated though it, had ripped out his heart and then shoved it back in his chest. Dean hugged himself tightly “Please stop” he muttered to himself half praying, half pleading and knowing that no one was listening to him, Dean Winchester the universe’s patsy.He didn’t bother to knock just opened the door switched on the light and sighed at him. “You’re not alright.”“No, I’m not Cas,” Dean watched the angel shut the door, he shrugged out of his trench coat and hung it neatly over Dean’s robe on the back of the door. His movements were slow, deliberate, he walked cautiously like he was approaching a wounded animal. Cas slipped off his suit jacket as well laying it on the bed next to Dean. The hunter flinched as Cas squeezed his shoulder, “Cas please I can’t do this anymore,” the bed dipped as Cas sat down next to him. Right next to him, warm solid and alive. Involuntarily Dean leaned into the warmth letting out a shuddering sob as Cas settled an arm round his shoulders.“Its going to be okay, I’m back now” Dean rested his head on Cas’ shoulder, he could feel his angel’s pulse fluttering under his cheek.“I can’t lose you again Cas, I can’t do this again,” Cas’ long fingered hands on his cheek lifting his head so their foreheads were touching and he was looking into those eyes he had missed so damn much.“I can’t say that this won’t ever happen again, but there is no where in the universe that I will not find my way back to you,” There was a savagery in Cas’ voice that he had never heard before. Dean saw a glint of steel in those blue eyes.“you mean that don’t you?” the pain in his chest lessened.“Yes” it was barely a word, more of a breath, Cas’ fingers gently brushed an errant hair from Dean’s forehead then stroked around his ear and down his neck ending in a convulsive grip on his shoulder. Dean couldn’t help but stare at his angel, what had he done to deserve this? Cas had ripped apart hell and heaven for him and dragged himself out of god knows where, all for him, all for Dean Winchester. Cas was waiting for a response, there was a hint of desperation in his expression. Dean responded the only way that made any sense, he kissed him. A slow hesitant kiss half expecting to be pushed away, only for Cas to kiss him back with unexpected hunger fingers twisting in Deans hair. They pulled apart after a few seconds, Dean realised he was smiling.“Where did you learn that,” he managed to stutter.“The pizza man.”
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“I don’t understand why this is necessary,” Cas turned the Stetson round by the brim, examining it minutely. He glanced over at Dean, who was sat with one arm casually draped along the Impala’s front seat. His own hat was safely stowed on the back seat.“I told you why, folks round here don’t trust the federal government. So we have to be Texas Rangers.” Dean snatched the hat from Cas’ fingers and placed it on the angels head, he tugged it slightly to one side and grinned at the result.“And that requires special head gear?”“Uh yeah” Dean turned the key in the ignition, Cas suppressed a laugh.“This has nothing to do with your cowboy obsession?”“Nope, come on Cas’ this is a serious case,” Cas fished the badge Dean had given him out of his trench-coat pocket.“Ranger Newman” He read out loud, he watched delighted, as a blush crept up Dean’s neck. “What’s your alias?”“It’s um Ranger Mitchum,”Dean was pretending to concentrate all his attention on the road, he didn’t fool Cas who permitted himself a small smile at his friend’s embarrassment.“I mean the fact they are both famous western actors, is just coincidence right?” Cas had never been so grateful for Metatron’s info dump all those years ago. Dean swerved Baby on to the side of the road and switched off the engine.“Cas you don’t have to wear the hat if you don’t want to,” Dean sounded disappointed and there was something else too. Cas’ heart lurched a little, Dean was still hurting and he had been teasing him. He scooted across the seat and took Dean’s face in his hands so he could look him in the eyes.“I love the hat,” he meant it too, he was rewarded with a slight smile. It was enough, he felt Dean’s mood lift and very gently pressed his lips to Dean’s lightening quick.“Lets go solve us a case partner” Dean grinned at him and gunned the engine back into life.“Are you going to call me that for the rest of this Case?”“Sure am partner, besides I can hardly call you sunshine in front of the sheriff.”
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Jack took a deep breath of the cool mountain air, he knew roughly where he was. The Rocky mountains somewhere in Wyoming. He had seen a picture online of where he was now and just decided to be there. He sat on the cold grass legs crossed and tried not to think about the way his family had looked at him that last time. He knew he was hurting them, but that was the point; a small hurt now to avoid a bigger hurt later. The sun was rising bathing the snowy mountains in a pinkish light. All around him the birds were waking up, the dawn chorus was raucous and loud in this place, uninterrupted by human sound and that was fine. No one for him to hurt here, no one to disappoint either and no one to tell him who he should be.He tipped his head to the rising sun grateful for the warmth Castiel would like this place, the traitorous thought caught him off guard and brought a wave of loneliness with it. Jack felt pressure building in his chest, it came out as a half sob as he remembered the way the bank guard’s head had smashed against the concrete pillar. They are better off without me he told himself, that didn’t stop the tears, if anything it made him feel worse. He drew up his knees and hugged his legs tightly, wishing the heavy sick feeling would go away. I want to go home, to the bunker to Castiel, Sam and Dean. Dean who despite everything always told him the truth, Sam who seemed to love teaching him things and Castiel who loved him like a son. He couldn’t go home though, he couldn’t take the chance that he would hurt them. What if he hurt Castiel?, what would it do to Dean if he lost him again? The change in Dean had amazed Jack, Castiel inexplicably alive again had brought the hunter back to life too. Jack knew he was still too new to understand many things, but he knew love when he saw it.He steeled himself, he would stay away until he learned to control his powers and if he couldn’t- I’ll stay away for ever. As he made that decision he felt his power try to flare, he grappled with it forced it back down. No! he told it forcefully, I will use you, you will not use me. The feeling died away and Jack smiled to himself, small victories. A thought struck him he couldn’t go home, but he could still help Sam at least. He could try to get Mary back, make amends. He had no idea how to even start I’ll find out, I’ll make them proud of me. He stood up feeling his wings stretch in anticipation, wings that flared bright gold with one thought and carried him away with the next.
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Cas was a soldier he had seen battle fields before, but never like this. He sat down on a heap of rubble and patted the ever present grey dust from his coat. The clingy ashy stuff was everywhere tainting every breath, except when it rained and turned into slippery wet muck that coated every surface draining the colour from what little brightness was left in this place. This part of Damascus was ruined, its buildings burnt out, smashed and riddled with bullet holes. Silence should reign over such destruction. Perhaps only broken by the scuttling of rats and the far off staccato blasts of gun fire, it was far from silent. Across the street a group of men were digging through the rubble with a pneumatic drill. The noise echoed and mixed with the incongruous sound of a street food seller advertising his wares in Arabic and a rumbling spitting generator providing power for the drill. The noise could not drown out the other sound, the one the humans could not hear- Cas could still hear the screams. Souls, hundreds of them. Ripped from life and trapped like flies in the veil, unable to move on and unable to comprehend their death. He watched as an elderly woman staggered from a collapsed doorway, calling for someone named A’dab she stumbled a few steps and disappeared. So much pain, so much suffering he could feel it washing over him like a polluted sea and for what? One man’s desperate need to hold on to power. It hurt him to be here, reminded him of his own past mistakes.“Hello Castiel”“Billy,” she was standing over him, both hands clasped round her scythe’s handle, her expression unreadable.“You don’t seem surprised to see me”“Dean told me about your uh, promotion.” Cas watched her warily, he had after all been responsible for Billy’s ‘promotion’ and he was not expecting gratitude.“I bet he did, scoot over let a girl sit down” Cas shifted over and Billy dropped down next to him, scythe now leaning over her shoulder, hands dangling in front of her as she surveyed the wrecked neighbourhood. “How did you escape the empty Castiel?”“I annoyed the thing that lived there till it sent me back,” even here in this blackened city Cas could not help the note of pride that crept into his voice. Billy snorted and for once nearly smiled.“Winchesters, you just won’t stay dead.”“Are you here for the souls or are you here for me?” despite the fact that this was Death, he was getting annoyed. It had taken days for him to get here from the Turkish border, dodging now desperate IS fighters with his Kurdish guide, while following the barest of clues gleaned from crumbling cuneiform tablets. “Well?” he prompted when Billy didn’t answer him.“Horrible isn’t it, what these humans do to each other.” Not the answer he was expecting, he took a breath of the dusty air.“It’s not their fault, they are being manipulated by higher powers.” That promoted a soft laugh from Billy, she caught his chin in her hand. Eyes lit by dying stars stared into his and Cas felt a tremor of fear, she could squash him like a bug with a thought.“You over identify with these mortals Cas, be careful.” Her eyes narrowed considering him, “Why do you care?” Cas pulled out her grip and gestured to the street around them.“Because they keep going, despite everything,” Billy nodded, her expression told Cas she still considered him a bug, now however he was an interesting bug who had learned a new trick.“Well you answered my question, only fair I answer yours,” she waved her hand and the screams quietened, for a moment Cas thought he saw reapers everywhere, holding blankets wide and enveloping soul after soul, then they were gone. “But I won’t pretend I don’t know why you are here, the question is what am I going to do about it?” Billy stood up, she seemed to loom larger and the city around them wavered and flickered like a bad movie. Cas forced himself to stand up and face her, he refused to look away, as around them the city morphed from concrete to graceful stone pillars and then to the mud-brick walls he half recognised from his first visit here so very long ago. “You are right Castiel, these humans they strive, this city’s continued existence is proof of that. Ask yourself, who are you little Angel to endanger that and for what?”“To stop Michael, to save all of this!” Anger flaring, Cas stepped forward so he was nearly nose to nose with the angel of death. Billy stared back him a contemptuous smile curving her lips, she shook her head.“I’m death, you can’t lie to me, at least be honest with yourself Castiel” She laughed again and turned in a circle arms wide and the modern city solidified around them, mud-bricks crumbling back into history. “you are no longer heavens puppet, why pretend?”“That’s not-, that’s not the reason!”“You are barely an angel any-more, tell me Cas what are you?” The question stopped Cas short, he dragged a breath into his lungs, trying to quash the sudden pain in his chest.“I’m an angel, that is all I have ever been. I’m a soldier.”“No Cas, you’re not, not any more” Billy cocked her head as if listening to some far away tune, “you need to decide. Why are you going to do this thing?”“I can’t leave Jack and Mary in that place!” Cas practically screamed it in Billy’s face. The ever present rage over topping his self control.“Even if it brings everything down?”“Even then, I can’t do that to Dean!” the truth escaping in a shameful rush, Cas’ stared at Billy, who for her part just looked pleased.“I thought so”Slowly reality returned. Billy was gone, Cas had understood the message. She was warning him that there would be a price to pay, he knew that though. There was always a price to pay, he just had to hope it would not be too costly. The men clearing the rubble had paused in their work, staring at him. He nodded to them companionably and rewound his keffiyeh, the red and black chequered folds of the scarf settling round his face. They watched him suspiciously, trust was in short supply in this city of shifting alliances. Cas plastered a friendly smile on his face and approached them, his hands open palms to the sky. “Al-salaamu alakum” he called to them brightly. One of the them, a young man, no more than a boy really, in a ragged Nike t-shirt and torn jeans, stepped forward.“ Wa ‘Alaikum, what do you want?”Hostility in the young man’s gaze, Cas opened his coat wide.“I am unarmed”“Then you are the only one, what do you want!”“I need to get to the Ummayad Mosque, I have business with the Imam. I do not know the way.” His answer provoked laughter, the boy clapped him on the back.“you cannot just wander into the mosque my friend, the President’s security forces have it locked down. Very few are allowed inside, even for Friday prayers.”“I just need to get there, I can pay” Cas reached inside his coat for his now much diminished cash. Dollars were about the only acceptable currency here, the Syrian pound had long ago tanked along with the economy. He didn’t have a whole lot left, bribery had been the only way to get into the country at all and more than once he had given a few dollars to the fleeing people he met on the road. The boy was regarding him speculatively, fingers tapping his chin.There was a noise, a loud rushing like the wind in a forest, Cas looked up and saw the thing falling towards them. He threw himself forward and dragged the boy to the ground, shielding him with his body and covering them both with his broken wings. The explosion seemed to go on forever, a hell of heat and dust. The shock-wave rattled Cas’ teeth and popped his ears and it was a while before he could stagger upright. The boy was alive and unhurt, his companions had not been so lucky. They lay prone, for the first time since he had been human Cas wished he could throw up. The boy was kneeling by an elderly man, shaking him, “Baba, Baba please”. Cas wiped the dust and soot from his face and sank down beside them. The older man was alive- just, the left side of his face was scorched the eye gone, Cas could sense he had other, worse injuries as well.“Your father?” he asked The boy nodded, tears sliding down his cheeks making runnels in the dirt. Cas smiled reassuringly, “it will be okay” he stretched out his hand over the man’s chest and let his grace flow free knitting the body back together, binding the soul back in place. The elderly man opened his eyes and sat up, the boy was staring at Cas his mouth hanging open.“Are you a Jinn?”“No I’m an angel, my name is Castiel” the boy looked ready to run Cas smiled again, “What is your name?”“My name is Ajmal, my father is Jahid. Please do not hurt us.”“I am not here hurt you, I just need to get to the mosque. Will you help me?” Cas pulled the wad of notes out of his wallet and tucked them into Ajmal’s pocket. “And I have still paid you.”“For my fathers life, I will take you not for Dollars” he handed the notes back, shyly. “But first we must take my father home.”Cas had to admit he was really starting to enjoy Arabic coffee. He and Ajmal sat and sipped tiny cups of the strongly brewed stuff in one of the few remaining cafes within sight of the Mosque. Together they watched the guards strut up and down in front of the ancient place as the light seeped from the sky. Ajmal picked up a tray of sweets and proffered them with a smile, “How will you get inside my friend?” Cas made a show of taking his time choosing which of the beautifully constructed little sweets he wanted.“I’ll wait till dark, use that break in the wall, you told me about. I can make them not see me.” he lifted a star-shaped marzipan sweet on to his plate as he answered and thanked Ajmal loudly.“Will you stop at our house on your way home? my Father will wish to see you again.”“Only if it is safe, I will not put your family in unnecessary danger.” Cas was surprised at the laugh that produced from his young friend.“Ah Castiel, they are being put in unnecessary danger by others everyday.”“True I suppose, but I won’t risk them further.” Cas glanced at the sky the last of the sunset had faded, “It is time, you should go home-now.” Ajmal nodded and left, Cas waited a few minutes until he was sure the boy would be at least a couple of streets away before he quit the table and walked unhurriedly down a side street.It took him an hour to find the gap in the wall Ajmal had told him about, it had been badly repaired with un-mortared bricks and rubble, a challenge for a human maybe. Cas tore through the masonry easily and slipped inside. The hole came out in deep shadow under one of the courtyard arcades, Cas was grateful for the darkness it gave him time to get his bearings. The Mosque was tastefully lit up for the night, he shrunk back against his pillar as a detachment of soldiers clattered smartly across the courtyard towards the buildings great gate. He watched them go wandering what was happening, then dismissed it as irrelevant. What ever it was it was giving him chance to move into the great sanctuary unseen. He ran along the base of the arcade dodging from archway to archway until he came to a small door. It was locked but the rusted bolt gave way easily to a shove- a little too easily Cas’ momentum carried him through the door way and left him sprawled on the floor of a small office, an elderly man was staring down at him in shock.“Al-salaamu alakum” Cas said quickly.“Who are you!” the man was so shocked he did not answer the greeting. Cas scrambled to his feet, and looked around, the office was crammed with manuscripts it had that peculiar spicy scent of very old books. “There is a guard in the hall, if I shout he will come running” the old man was backing away hands raised.“Please, I need your help.” Cas cast around frantically for a way of gaining the old man’s trust. There was only one thing he could do, the Imam was seconds from calling for help. He let his grace flare for a moment, illuminating his halo and his projecting his broken wings on to the wall. It was enough, the man covered his eyes and fell to his knees. “Sorry about that, but I haven’t got a lot of time.” He hauled the man to his feet and gently dropped him into a chair. “What is your name?”“They call me Asim, you are a Malak!”“Yes I am an Angel, my name is Castiel.”“Is it my time to die?” Asim looked genuinely frightened, Cas sighed, I don’t have time for this!“No, but I need something from you, something kept in this mosque. The fruit of the tree of life, do you know where it is?”“Yes, but forgive me for asking, why does a being such as yourself need the fruit” Cas was impressed Asim was still obviously frightened and yet he still asked the question.“To stop a war.”“This war?” Cas avoided Asim’s hopeful eyes.“No a worse war is coming, much worse.”“Forgive me, but I do not believe there is a worse war than this one.”“Well I wish you were right my friend, but what is coming will make this look like nothing and I must do my part to stop it.”“All we wanted was freedom,” the old man murmured to himself sadly “and look what men’s greed has done to us.”“I know how that goes”“so this is the only reason you need the fruit, to stop a worse war?” Asim eyes were bright, Cas found it hard to meet them.“No, it is not the only reason. I need it to save my family.” he admitted, Asim nodded thoughtfully and leaned back in his chair.“Wait here I shall be back shortly.”The Imam was gone for about twenty minutes, Cas prowled the shelves as he waited noting several rare volumes and manuscripts, he was flicking through an early copy of Ibn al-faqih’s ‘concise book of lands’ and admiring its beautiful penmanship when the imam returned. Asim was leading a young boy of maybe seven years old by the hand. “This is my grandson Abdul, you will take him with you. He is my price for the fruit” Cas stared at the child in consternation.“I can’t-wouldn’t he be safer here with you.”“No one is safe in this land, take him. My brother lives in Dallas, I will give you the address” Asim’s voice was steel, Cas realised there was going to be no room for negotiation here and could he really expect anything else? After all Asim was doing exactly what Cas was doing, trying to save his family.“I’ll take him, I will save your family to save mine”“Good here is the fruit, I hope it does what you wish” Asim handed him a small wooden casket. “Peace be upon you, Castiel”“And upon you, Asim” Cas held his hand out to the boy who took it hesitantly. “Time to go home.”
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Dean and Ketch were gone, vanished through the rift now sparking and wriggling like some kind of living thing in the middle of the war room. Gabriel still hadn’t said a word, Sam felt the archangels gaze on the back of his neck as he drew angel warding and a devils trap around the spitting portal, better safe than sorry. Even when Sam sat down and as gently as he could, pulled the cut cords from his lips Gabriel stayed silent. It was unnerving as hell, the silence and those eyes staring at him, barely even blinking. Sam wasn’t even sure Gabriel was seeing him, his stare reminded him too much of the look on Cas’ face when he had taken on Sam’s own madness all those years ago. “I’m going to get some warm water, we’ll get these cuts cleaned up. I’ll just be a minute.” No response, Sam wasn’t really expecting one.Five minutes later he was back with a bowl of warm water, a towel and the first aid kit, Gabriel was gone. “Damn it!” Sam took a ragged breath and carefully put the bowl down. He could almost hear Dean’s voice you had one job Sammy, just one job!, he took a step towards the rift, thinking that maybe in his confusion the angel had blundered through it. The warding was intact though, so he couldn’t have gone that way. There was a sound from behind him, a low quiet moan like an animal in pain and trying to hide. He spun round and clattered down the steps, someone had drawn the curtains in the telescope’s alcove, they rustled as he approached them. “Gabriel?, it’s me Sam, I’m going to open the curtains.” He drew the heavy red fabric back and there was Gabriel, sometime archangel of the lord huddled, shaking and shivering against the brick work. Sam knelt down slowly, held out his hand and plastered, what he hoped, was a convincing smile on his face. “Hey there, Gabriel. Do you remember me? It’s Sam Winchester you once turned me into a car.” The Archangel was not even looking at him, he stared out into the bunker with wide terrified eyes. Gabriel was looking so intensely Sam couldn’t help glancing over his shoulder, there was nothing there. Clearly what ever Gabriel was seeing it was inside his own mind, Sam tried not to dwell on that. “Gabriel look at me! Sam remember!” he spoke loudly hoping to break the angels fixation, it worked the terrified gaze switched to him. Sam made himself smile again, “You remember me?” The smallest of nods, Sam reached out again he managed to snag Gabriel’s filthy sleeve, fingers brushed the boney arm inside. Gabriel let out a frightened scream and shot out of the alcove, he knocked Sam over in his haste to escape. Sam managed to get to his feet, he caught up with the angel in a couple of strides and tackled him. They went down with a crash, pushing the table sideways, Sam held on tightly as Gabriel writhed and screamed in his arms. “You are alright, you are safe”, Gabriel eventually lay still and the horrible guttural shrieks subsided. Sam dragged his unresisting form upright and sat him back down. He retrieved the rapidly cooling bowl of water and started cleaning the cuts on Gabriel’s face. “I’m not going to hurt you.”“You’re not real” The voice was small and hoarse, lacking all of the tricksters cockiness. Sam sponged gently at the dried blood, there was so much of it, it dyed the cloth an unpleasant rusty brown.“I’m real Gabriel, you are safe,” Sam squeezed his shoulder, “See real, and this is the safest place in the world”“No” Gabriel stood up again, this time he didn’t run just walked away, bare feet slapping against the floor. Sam followed a little behind, watching as Gabriel stuck his head into each room and muttered to himself. Eventually he made a choice, Dean’s room. Sam followed him in, “I want to stay here”“You can stay here, that’s fine”“It needs more warding” Gabriel stuttered and to Sam’s horror headbutted the wall, The angel stuck two fingers into the blood dripping down his face and used it to draw a sigil on the wall. Sam rushed forward and grabbed Gabriel’s hands, he pulled him away from the wall and sat him on the bed.“No not like that, you just sit here. I’ll do the warding okay?”“Okay, I always liked you best Sam.”Gabriel shifted over on the bed crossing his legs neatly, despite everything that made Sam smile a little.“just stay there, I promise I will be right back,” Sam backed out of the room and closed the door, he pulled his phone out of his pocket.“Hello Sam”“Cas, good to hear you. Any sign of Lucifer?”“No it’s like he has vanished.”“Cas can you come home, now”“what’s wrong? Is it Dean, has something happened?” Sam should have known he couldn’t fool Cas, he could hear the panic in his friends voice.“No Dean’s fine, I think. Just come home, I need your help”“Alright, I’ll be there soon”Sam cut the call and went and fetched a couple of black markers from his room. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door to Dean’s room and smiled brightly at Gabriel.“So let’s get this warding done” he was rewarded by the hint of a smile, Sam took it as a good sign and set to work.
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Deans anger had drained away now, leaving the usual helpless empty feeling. He sat on his bed staring into nothing. He hated that he had exploded in front of Sam and Cas that he had let the ghost of his father’s anger overwhelm him-again. It was happening more and more, every delay, every obstacle released a rush of pure primal rage that it was getting harder and harder to control. “It’s not fair!” he muttered to himself. Charlie was alive and he had failed her again. Bobby too was alive in that other place, it hurt. Old pains, old griefs and regret like some blackened corpse casting a stinking pall over his life. Things he had thought he had dealt with coming back to haunt him, to remind him of just how much the universe hated Dean Winchester. He just wanted them safe, “is that too much to ask?” he demanded half praying, half accusing, knowing that no-one was listening, because god had walked away.“you have work to do” Billy’s last words to him echoed through his brain enraging him further. No peace for Dean Winchester, no rest, just an endless round of pain, blood and loss. How many more times would he be forced to watch the people he loved die?There was no knock just footsteps and then the bed dipped as a solid warm weight leaned against Dean’s side. “Are you alright?”“I can’t do this Cas, I just can’t”“You have said that before” Cas’ voice was low, forgiving. Dean forced down a spurt of irrational annoyance, Cas and Sam had lost Gabriel after all. Maybe Cas sensed Dean’s continuing anger because he shifted down the bed a few inches, the small gesture hit Dean like a punch in the gut. “You are still angry with me” it wasn’t a question.“Maybe a little, but I don’t blame you or Sam, not really. Okay, we were just so close.”“I know and I’m sorry”“Oh Cas don’t apologise, I don’t deserve it.” Dean let himself look at Cas then, the angel was hunched over his hands clutched together in his lap.“I will find Gabriel, I promise, I’ll do everything I can to make this right.” Cas was hurting, Dean could see it in the tension in his shoulders and the way he was staring rigidly at his hands.“No Cas, no.”“I have to make this right for you.” Dean couldn’t bear the pain in Cas’ voice, he scooted along the bed and put his arm around the angels shoulders.“No you don’t” Dean tightened his grip, “I’m sorry Cas, I shouldn’t have blamed you or Sam. Gabriel is a freaking arch-angel, its not like you could have done a whole lot to stop him leaving”“I guess you are right”“Of course I’m right.” Cas’ seemed to relax a little, he turned his head and rested it on Dean’s shoulder, his dark hair was tickling at Dean’s jaw.“Besides, Gabriel’s been in hell. Maybe we expected too much of him” Dean paused, the thought of Gabriel in hell brought back a haze of his own horrible half remembered memories and the one good thing that had come out of it; The angel resting lightly against his chest and their weird unspoken bond.“Are you going to be alright?” Cas’ curled a little closer with a sigh. For a moment Dean considered lying.“No, I’m not Cas, I’m pretty far from alright.” Dean felt his jaw clench, why did it always hurt so much to confess his failings to Cas. “it just seems that lately, everything is coming back to bite me. Everything, you understand?”“not completely” Cas straightened up and looked Dean in the eye “But I would like to.”“It’s worse than deja vu, Bobby and Charlie feels like I’m-” he stopped unable to find the words.“Haunted?” Cas suggested, Dean nodded. Cas had got it exactly right, living ghosts dragging up the past, mocking him without meaning too. Cas was thinking, Dean could tell by the intense look in his eyes.“You think I’m being stupid?”“No, but I do think you are looking at this in the wrong way,” Cas smiled at him sadly, then for the first time in a long time, his lips brushed against Dean’s cheek. “Its a second chance Dean, this time we will get it right. You will get it right.”“I hope so, I better go apologise to Sammy” He started to get up, but stopped when Cas snagged the front of his shirt.“Later” Cas growled, Dean let cas pull him back down on the bed, it had after all been a very long time.
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The bar was crowded, Gabriel barely had enough elbow room to eat the free shrimp piled in front of him. He used to love Vegas, it’s trashy godless atmosphere had been entirely his jam. Now it didn’t touch him, he grabbed another handful of the oceans sweet deep fried bounty and tried to focus on the moment. Focussing on other the things crowding his subconscious was not really an option, he turned to the salty spicy goodness in front of him. There was nothing fried shrimp could not heal, fried shrimp and the blonde eyeing him bashfully from the end of the bar. He raised his head intending to turn the full force of his personality loose.“Vegas, could you be any more predictable?”“Billy?”“hello kitten, long time no see.”She was perched on the stool next to him, new hair style but the same gorgeous smile.“I was going to call you”“No you weren’t”“what do you want? Half the CD collection?”“No” there was a clank as she rested a huge scythe against the bar, Gabriel swallowed hard and forced a smile.“Though maybe that cranberries album, if its not too much trouble”“Of course, just text me your address” he flapped his wings and found he could not move. “Oh”“Now that I have your attention we are going to have a little talk.”“If this is about me dumping you for Kali, you should know I am so over her now.” Gabriel stuffed a handful of shrimp into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully “being tortured for years will do that to a guy, she sold me out to Asmodeus!”“I heard, maybe you’ll be more careful who you date.” Billy sounded amused, it irritated Gabriel.“You can talk, didn’t you date Crowley?” Gabriel allowed himself a snigger, Billy’s hand shot out and he found his wrist trapped in an iron grip. Gabriel felt a shiver of fear as he looked into those dark eyes.“That’s far enough down memory lane,” The light and noise faded and they were somewhere else, Billy let go of his wrist and strode over to the single black desk and chair. Gabriel turned round behind him shelves, an endless library and the top of each bookshelf marked with a silver letter ‘G’.“So you got a promotion, congratulations. Love what you have done with the place” he grinned at Billy, who merely glared back. “you know I used to come here, back in the beginning. You are much tidier than the old man, used to leave burrito wrappers everywhere.” His attempt at lightening the tone wasn’t working, Gabriel approached the desk and knocked his knuckles against the wood, all the time he scrabbled against the force holding him. It was hard to stay calm, he was fighting the urge to curl up on the floor. don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, rolling around in his head, his vessel’s heart beating hard and sweat slicking his fingers.“you can’t get away from me Gabe””Are you going to let me go?”“Eventually”“Only I have places to be, people to do” his wiggled his eyebrows, “If you get my meaning.” His voice trembled, he heard it. It was followed by a shiver he could not repress. He saw Billy’s eyes soften a little, it made him feel sick. He didn’t want her pity.“Why don’t you sit down,” there was a chair, where there had previously been no chair. Gabriel subsided into it, there seemed little point resisting. “Oh Gabriel, what am I going to do with you?”“Let me go because of my charming personality?” That quip earned him another disdainful glare, but for a fleeting second he saw a smile.“So you know where you are? What this room is?”“Yes, it’s Deaths reading room. I assume the books document the various ways I could have bought it. It used to always smell of Tamales in here.”“I had Dean Winchester in here a little while ago, he tried to kill himself”“Why?”“I’m not going to tell you that, but I am going to tell you the exact same thing I told him.” Billy leaned forward, Gabriel watched as stars died in her eyes. “You have work to do”“I can’t, I refuse. Who decided I had to do it?” Gabriel shot out of his chair and stalked off between the shelves, he could hear Billy’s slow measured footsteps behind him. He turned abruptly“Noooo!” it was nearly a scream, then Billy was there in front of him gripping his shoulders and staring right into his face.“Don’t you think those boys want to say no? it’s your choice Gabriel, but your choices are narrowing. Do you want to burn out with the stars, completely alone? Right before I pull your Daddy from his hiding place and reap his ass?”She let go of him, smiling sweetly. “Or will you help those boys? And find yourself something better?”“That was quite the speech, can’t tell if I’m frightened or aroused.”“Gabriel-”“I’m sorry” he backed away hands raised, “But why should I help those two dick wads?”“Because they helped you, because thanks to those two dick wads, your brothers aren’t dead-unfortunately.” Billy took his arm and walked him back to her desk, “It’s time to stop running Gabriel.”“Fine, but they have to ask me and they have to help me with something first” He jabbed his chest for emphasis.“What’s that?”“Payback, I want those son’s of bitches that sold me out, dead all of them”“good”“Hey could I have your number, I really feel I made a-” He was back in Vegas sat at the bar with a pile of spicy shrimp in front of him . The blonde was still there, she tossed her hair and smiled at him. Well time for a little fun surely?
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Jessica watched nervously as Billy picked up another note book and ran her finger over the lines, stopping occasionally to amend some detail in red pen. She heard Billy sigh as she scratched out a sentence, to Jessica her boss exuded frustration, annoyance even. After a while Billy sat back, closing the notebook with a snap and leaning back in the high backed black chair.“You wanted to see me?”Jessica managed to ask, aware her voice was a little on the squeaky side, the old Death had been easier to approach, Billy by comparison was damn intimidating.“Yes, Jessica isn’t it?”“Yes ma’am” She couldn’t hold that gaze and stared at her feet instead.“You did a good job, watching the Winchesters.” There was a rustle and Billy sighed as she leaned back further in her chair. Jessica tried not to let the little bubble of pride she felt show on her face.“Thank-”“I’m going to need you to go back.” Billy said.“What!” The word was out of her mouth before she could stop it, she actually clapped her hand over her mouth like some kind of human.“Do you have a problem with that?” Billy-Death was looking right at her and this time she couldn’t look away.“No I just thought, I could go back to reaping souls now,” Jessica tried a bright smile, but it faded under that stare. “I mean, unless you needed me further, which you do.”“Good, then we are on the same page. You are dismissed”“Thank you ma’am” Jessica hoped her boss would not pick up on the note of reluctance in her voice that she could not totally suppress. But Billy just waved her away like she was inconsequential. Which I am, Jessica mused as she slipped through the veil to the bunker. She sat unnoticed and invisible at the end of the library table, watching as the Winchesters, their Angel and Rowena ate Mexican food.“have you no manners? Dean!” Rowena stood up and shoved Dean’s booted feet of the table.“Hey!” Surprised Dean dropped the contents of his Taco, down his shirt.“Born in a barn the pair of you” Rowena snorted handing Dean a paper napkin, then when Dean made no move to clean up the mess, snatching it back and scrubbing at his shirt herself.Jessica watched the scene and sighed, this was going to be a long assignment.It had been two days, Dean and Cas were having breakfast, their morning ritual. Or rather Dean was having breakfast, Cas just sipped from a mug of steaming coffee. Jessica found that weird, an angel drinking a human beverage and seeming to enjoy it. That wasn’t the oddest thing though, what really confused her was the desperate way Cas looked at Dean when the hunters gaze was elsewhere. It wasn’t until she caught Dean staring at Cas with exactly the same expression that she understood. Love, you couldn’t reap human souls for millennia without picking up on a few human emotions. She had seen this sort of bond before, seen that look before. Usually it was accompanied by a souls insistence on staying in the veil to be close to someone still living. But these two, the need crackled between them like like lightening and yet Jessica had barely seen them touch.“Does Rowena think she can find him?” Cas asked, his brow furrowed with concern.“She says so, Sam’s taking her out for magic supplies later.” Dean grinned up at Cas in a way that Jessica couldn’t quite decipher.“That’s good, we need to find Gabriel” Cas’ voice was serious, but his expression shifted, he smiled a little half smile at Dean. Jessica was frowning now, what is going on here?“So just you and me this afternoon,” Dean reached over and took Cas’ coffee cup, their fingertips brushing against each other briefly.“Finally,” Cas muttered.A week, a whole week and she had seen things. It had been difficult enough the first time she had done this duty, now it was getting unbearable. The passing of time wasn’t something she usually had to deal with for long, now though it was dragging at her like a lead weight. She sat cross-legged on the floor of the bathroom while Sam showered. It was literally the safest place in the bunker, yesterday she had thought Rowena might have sensed her and the witch was the last person Jessica wanted discovering her surveillance. Cas and Dean though, were growing bolder with their intimate moments and frankly she was starting to feel like an intruder. She could hear Sam singing softly to himself and his silhouette danced behind the shower curtain. Jessica snapped her fingers and moved herself into the shower behind Sam. She sniffed his soapy hair. “Mmm new shampoo, Sammy. What’s this one?” she squinted at the soapy pink bottle, “Oh nice papaya and ginseng.” Momentarily she played with the idea of manifesting right there behind him, if only to enjoy the look of shock on his face. Instead she settled for watching the soap suds slip down Sam’s back, it really was an enjoyable way to waste time.Another week, now Jessica spent most of her time in Sam’s room, hiding if she was honest. The Arch-angel Gabriel had joined the Winchesters, she had felt his presence like a supernova lighting up even the bunkers distant darkest corners and had to make herself small, barely even a shadow to avoid him sensing her presence. So she stayed in Sam’s room, flicked through the books he left neatly piled up on his night stand and watched him sleep. For the first time in her aeons long existence, Jessica knew she was lonely. In the past there were always other reapers around and the souls that she had reaped gave her the satisfaction to carry on. What’s the point? She was starting to think Billy had forgotten her, she was nothing after all a mere functionary, unimportant one of thousands.Sam stalked in then, he was angry. She could tell from the way he smacked the beer he was carrying down on the night stand and how he threw his clothes around the room as he got ready for bed. “You fucking idiot, Dean” he muttered under his breath and grabbed his laptop. Jessica sat next to him unnoticed as always, and watched as he booted up the computer and set his favourite movie playing. The one he always watched when he was upset ‘beast master’. Suddenly she couldn’t stand it anymore, it had been weeks since she had spoken to anyone and watching Sam crush his anger down was actually hurting her in ways she wasn’t used to.“Hello Sam” he stared at her a moment before jumping to his feet, mouth hanging open.“What do you want?”“Honestly? I just want to watch the movie. Maybe have a sip of that beer” She smiled at him, “Please Sam?”
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Coda 13x20 Use Your Words“Stop treating me like a freaking child!” Sam stormed off, there was a clang as he slammed the heavy iron door of the bunker behind him.“He is right you know”“Cas don’t you start as well” Dean let out a sigh and sat down, he poured a generous amount of whisky in to his tumbler before risking a look at Castiel. The angel was clearly furious, Dean could see his fingers turning white where they were gripping the back of a chair. “Look what else was I supposed to do? We had all the ingredients-”“You should have waited for me, or at least called me!”“I’m sorry, but time was ticking-”“That’s bullshit!” Cas smashed his fist into the war room table so hard it cracked. Dean was momentarily taken aback, he couldn’t even remember the last time Cas had sworn. Dean put down his whisky and straightened up in his chair.“I came back, I saved Charlie! I’m calling it a win. Why the hell are you so angry? C'mon man” Dean filled another tumbler with whisky and nudged it across the table, a peace offering. Castiel just stared at the glass, if anything the gesture seemed to only make him angrier. “Do you have any idea how worried I was?” Cas’ voice was very low and precise, as if he considered Dean to be a little slow or maybe stupid. It made Dean bristle, he drained his glass and made himself meet Cas’ eyes.“Well I am back, Ketch is looking for Mom and Jack. So you didn’t need to worry, everything is fine!”“I didn’t need to worry!”It wasn’t so much a shout as a roar, Cas strode round the table and to Dean’s utter shock dragged him out of his chair, “Why must you continually throw yourself at death?”“Cas, calm down-” Dean tried to step away, but the angel kept a firm hold of his shirt front.“Sam told me what happened with Billie!”“It was the only way to get the job done”“Bullshit” Cas spat the word in his face and let go of him, “You killed yourself Dean, after everything I did, you gave up” Dean heard the tremor in Cas voice, for a moment he didn’t believe it then he saw the tears.“Cas, buddy I’m sorry-” Dean patted Cas’ shoulder hesitantly, but the angel had not finished.“And then, you jump into that hellish place with Ketch! Why? Do you trust me so little?”“of course I trust you Cas, I was just trying to protect you and Sam!” Dean scrubbed his face to get rid of the tears threatening to escape.“you were gone Cas and Mom too, I thought I’d lost you”“Dean-” Cas took a step towards him, Dean backed away hands held up warding Cas off.“I had to wrap your body, I had to watch you burn!”there it was out, Dean wiped furiously at the tears now unstoppably sliding down his face. “I will not, go through that again. I will not lose you, or Sam or Mom or Jack.” Dean took a deep breath, trying to ease the ache in his chest, “I’ll let Billie throw me in the empty before I have to burn the body of someone I love, again”. Cas stepped forward. Dean thought he was going to hug him, instead he touched Dean’s cheek. “I’m sorry you had to go through that” Cas kissed him, Dean froze. Cas was kissing him, it took a minute for his brain to comprehend the situation. Now Cas had stopped and was staring at him, there were still tears in the Angels eyes and also complete and utter mortification. “I wasn’t expecting that” Dean managed to smile, Cas was backing off and looking like he wanted to run away. Dean made a decision and took a step forward, he caught the knot of Cas’ tie. “Dean I’m-”“I said I wasn’t expecting that, doesn’t mean I can’t get used to it” Dean grinned, “better together right?”“Right”Postscript.Sam was on his second beer, seriously considering a third and ruminating on what an asshole his brother could be, when a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. “Hey sasquatch where are Bert and Ernie!”“Thought you had a date tonight Gabriel” Sam sighed and swigged his beer.“Not my type as it turned out.”“You have a type?”“Oh ouch, the sarcasm is strong in you tonight young padawan” Gabriel waved at the barkeep, “a beer and two shots of tequila.”“I don’t want tequila Gabe” “Don’t be stupid everyone wants tequila, so where are Will and Grace.”“Probably arguing, at least Cas looked ready to explode when I left,” Sam shrugged and looked at the archangel. “Dean’s been an asshole recently”. Gabriel tipped his head on one side as if he was listening, a big grin spread over his face.“well bucko, they ain’t arguing now.”“Then what are they doing.”“Sammy on this occasion I think I should spare you the gruesome details” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, Sam looked at Gabriel in confusion.“What? No their not-”“Better stay in a motel tonight, don’t come a knocking when the bunkers rocking” Sam had no words he realised he was sat with his mouth hanging open, Gabriel grin grew even wider “Drink up Groot, we got a long night ahead.”
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“Dean, you can’t”“Cas, Lucifer has Sam, he has Jack. I don’t have a choice!” one look at Dean’s panicked face told Cas arguing was hopeless. Dean turned back to Michael, a wave dread washed over Cas.“If we do this its a one time deal. you’re the engine, but I’m behind the wheel understand!” Michael tilted his head an amused smile tugging at his lips.“Sure, a deals, a deal. Just say the word Deano” Micheal grinned, his teeth bloodstained. Cas’ breath caught in his throat, he lurched forward grabbing Dean’s shoulders and spinning the hunter round.“Dean I won’t let you-”“Cas, there isn’t another way” Cas saw the tears in Dean’s eyes, felt a hand pat his cheek gently.“I’m sorry Cas”“That is not true, there is always a better way, don’t do this please-” Cas was aware he was begging , Dean tried to push him away, but he held tight tangling his fists in Dean’s shirt.“Cas, I have to do this” Cas pressed his forehead against Dean’s and brushed away the tears sliding down the hunters cheeks., “No you don’t, we will save them. You and me better together remember?” Cas, could feel Dean drawing away from him, he gripped him harder. “I’ll go with you”“No, Cas you stay here.”“Dean, no please-”“You stay here, you hear me? You need to look after our family, I’ll get Sam and Jack.”“Dean-”“Cas, please. I won’t watch you die again, I just won’t. So you stay here, take care of Mom and Bobby.” Cas shook his head mutely, Dean sighed “It was always gonna end up here, but at least this time I don’t have to watch you die.” Dean kissed him, lightly, on the lips.“Well that was unexpected” Michael growled from behind them. Dean stared into Cas’ eyes for a second and then almost smiled.“Guess I should’ve done that sooner.” Dean kissed him again and Cas’ heart died. Dean turned back to Michael, “Lets get this show on the road”“Dean-” Cas couldn’t find the words.“I love you, Cas.” Dean said softly and then raising his eyes to Michael, “yes”. Then he was gone in an instant of golden light, Dean was gone. Cas lowered himself down on to the step slowly and stared into nothingness. He was still there an hour later when Mary touched his shoulder, her eyes widened when he turned towards her and shook his head.“Dean?”“He’s gone.”
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The hunt had not gone well, Cas couldn’t bring himself to look at Sam or Jack. He just stalked away to the place that hurt most, the place he could not keep away from; Deans room. He closed the door softly behind him and leaned against it. “People died today” he told the empty room, “and there was nothing I could do to stop it.” He shook his head at his stupidity, talking to an empty room. “I can’t do this.” he took a breath, his nostrils filled with the scent of the innocent blood splattering his clothes. Cas couldn’t bear the stench, he tore off his trench coat, tossed it on the floor followed by his tie. His suit jacket ripped along a seam as he wrenched it off and threw the offending garment at the wall. He stumbled about trying to undo his shirt buttons, blinded by tears of rage he gave up and pulled it apart scattering buttons across the floor. He stripped the shirt from his body and it followed the jacket hitting the wall with an unsatisfying thump.“Well that was quite the show” Dean whispered. Cas spun round in confusion, nothing. It was nothing, just the echo of a memory. Cas sagged on to the bed, catching his own gaze reflected in Dean’s mirror. He stood back up and approached it, his hand shook as he touched his own reflection and looked at himself, it was no proud angel that stared back at him, no fierce seraph. There was blood on his face, his lip was still swollen and split where he hadn’t bothered to heal himself. “What are you doing Cas?”Another memory whispering to him. The first time he had kissed Dean in public, both of them grinning like fools. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to banish the sobs crawling up his throat.“Come back”“Cas I don’t have a choice!” A sudden remembered pain, Dean staring at him in desperation and all Cas could do was watch as the man he loved said “yes” to certain death. There was a bottle of whiskey under Dean’s bed, Cas hauled it out and took a swig. It tasted of Dean and all those stolen moments, a silent sob escaped, shaking his body from head to toe. He perched, hunched up on Dean’s bed, one hand gripping the neck of the whisky bottle the other hugging his knees. He fought to keep his grief quiet. He let the tears roll down his face in silence, wanting to scream at the universe, but knowing he couldn’t let Sam and Jack find him like this. He had to keep it together, he had too keep them together, he owed it to Dean.That thought didn’t help, it had in the beginning, now though it just made things worse. He was tired, more tired than he had ever been as a human. Weary and worn to the bone, he wished he was capable of sleep, just to forget for a few hours. Cas poured the whisky down his throat and lay down on Dean’s sheets, curling up tightly. He let the self-recrimination roll over him with it’s shaking white hot tears, until he had nothing left. “Come back” A prayer of sorts.There was no reply, nothing but the memory of sparkling green eyes looking at him that way, for the first time, so many years ago. “Go to sleep dumbass”, pressure round his waist, breath tickling the back of his neck.“Dean?”“It’s going to be alright.” Cas slept.
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The first time Sam woke up miles from home with a hangover the size of Canada, he blamed it on the bourbon. The bourbon he had poured down his throat in an attempt to escape from his grief for a little while. It hadn’t worked, because it was not just his grief that he was trying to run away from. Cas was a silent morose presence in the bunker, the angel had taken to staying in Dean’s room for hours. Sam had once peaked round the door and seen Cas curled on Dean’s bed hugging the pillows to his face. He had shut the door and walked away, he didn’t know what else to do. He had tried to talk to Cas in those first few terrible days, but his best friend had just shrugged and turned the conversation else where. Now Sam barely saw him, Cas would come on hunts, viciously and coldly dispatching what ever monster they were fighting, before sinking back into grief-stricken silence; Sam didn’t know how to help him. Jack at least was easier to deal with, the kid was never far away from him or Mary, though he would get freaked out if either of them stayed away to long. It was wearing to say the least, dealing with Earth two’s hunters, reassuring Jack, watching Cas fall apart and the whole time missing Dean. So the second time Sam lost a few hours and woke up with his face in half a bucket of melted mint choc chip ice-cream, he put it down to stress.The third time was when he started to worry. He remembered going to bed, his wrist strapped up from a near miss with a wendigo, that he hadn’t had the heart to ask Cas to fix. He woke up sans sling, injury healed, in the back seat of the impala. He sat up abruptly, candy wrappers cascaded off him on to the floor. “What the hell?” He grabbed a handful of the foil detritus and stared at it. “Gabriel?” no answer, “Okay maybe I’m just losing it,” Sam mumbled to himself. He flexed his wrist experimentally, not even a twinge of pain, maybe he had asked Cas to heal him ?“Or maybe you are having a stroke” a voice whispered. Sam shook his head, okay time to go home and try and get some real sleep and maybe ask Bobby to exorcise him as well. Feeling a disorientated Sam clambered over the back seat and jammed the keys in the ignition. The impala’s wheels spun kicking up dust, as he headed out along the nondescript town’s main street, Sam wondered where the hell he was.As it turned out he wasn’t that far from home, just a couple of hours north of the state line. The town of Doniphon didn’t seem to have a diner, but it did have a decent coffee shop. Sam bought himself a double moka with enough sugar in it to make the spoon stand up and headed down the high way. Six missed calls and a frantic text message on his phone told him, he should check in with his Mom and Jack. But they would want an explanation and he didn’t have one for them. Sam realised he was avoiding looking at his reflection in the rear view mirror, he made himself look now. “I need a shave” he sighed and rubbed his jaw tiredly.“damn right you look like a wookie” Gabriel’s voice and Gabriel’s eyes reflected in the mirror, Sam stood on the breaks so the impala came to a screeching stop in the middle of the empty high way.“What the hell!” Sam checked the back seat, there was no one there.“Sam, Sam I’m in here” Sam’s palm slapped his forehead of it’s own volition.“You are in my head?”“C’mon on Sam, I thought you were supposed to be the clever one. I been trying get through to you for days man!”“What are you doing in my head Gabe.”“I’d love to talk about it, but maybe we should move the car, you know? Before we get smooshed by a truck.”“Alright” Sam manoeuvred the Impala to the side of the road, wincing as he felt the engine grinding, the old girl wasn’t happy. He looked back up in the mirror and saw Gabriel’s weirdly light eyes laughing at him. “Gabe, how did this happen?”“It was your idea bucko, remember back in apocalypse world?”“No Gabriel, I don’t remember.” Sam was feeling a little sick, his mind flashed back to Gadreel killing Kevin with his own hands and then further back to Lucifer, sweat drenched his back. “I would never say yes, NEVER”“It’s okay Sam, take a chill pill. I am not either of those two bastards.”“Gabe, I am freaking out here” Sam admitted.“I know buddy, I am currently sharing your nervous system” Gabe sounded a little freaked out himself. “You know Sam, you remembering all that stuff is kinda reminding me of some bad shit.” Gabe seemed to be having trouble breathing and suddenly so was Sam.“Gabriel, what is going on!”“I think, we may be having a panic attack and we are sharing a vessel. Sorry Dude” Sam’s heart was hammering against his ribs now, he was gasping.“What do I do?”“Can you think of anything else?”“Like what?”“I don’t know! Strippers? Shower sex? Cute little puppies? Anything!” While Gabe continued to wheeze in his head, Sam scrabbled around for a calming image. Then he remembered himself, Dean, Cas and Charlie sat eating pizza and just chilling out. He concentrated remembering every detail, feeling his heart slow down. “Family dinner? that’s your go to calm down strategy?, sheesh, I’d have gone with having sex with Ruby-” Gabriel groaned.“Gabriel shut up, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t cast you out right now!”“Okay slow your jets sasquatch!”“Gabe!”“I said sasquatch! SASQUATCH!, that was our code word-” Gabriel’s voice was so loud Sam covered his ears and then he remembered; Gabriel had been standing guard at the edge of the colony, staring out into the dark, wondering if he should talk to Jack about his brother and deciding the kid would see through him in the end. That’s when Sam had found him.“hey Gabe, can I talk to you?”“Sure Sammy, what’s on your mind?” Gabriel pulled a candy bar from his pocket and unwrapped it, he shrugged at Sam, “Can’t seem to shift the sugar addiction.”“Is what Cas told me about our heaven true?”“Yep, lights are going off.”“Gabe, what ever happens here, we need you back in our universe, we need one archangel we can trust.”“I’m not running anymore Sam, I won’t sit this one out.”“What if you didn’t have too?” “I remember” Sam sighed. “But you were so supposed to have gone by now, that was the deal. You wipe my memory so Lucifer and Michael wouldn’t suspect then, hop a ride home with me and you get a new vessel ASAP”“Yes that was the plan but-” Gabriel’s reflection looked at him sheepishly.“But what Gabe?”“I’m a little low on grace again, putting on that little charade for Michael cost me dear, I couldn’t get through to you.” Gabriel looked aside, “I’m too low to hop in another vessel, I could die.” Sam gave in, besides he couldn’t see another choice, they needed Gabriel.“Fine! but quit taking my body drinking.” in his head Sam felt Gabriel metaphorically put his feet on the table.“sure thing roomie.”“and no strippers”“ooh come on live a little Sam, what about pornstars?”“Gabe, No”
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But all my heart is one desire, And all in vain“Holy crap!”shocked Dean stared at the arch angel blade in his hand.“You did it!” Sam staggering forward, hurt but still alive and Jack clutching his bloodstained shirt; both of them safe, for once everyone he loved was safe. “No, no we did it” Dean let relief wash over him not caring if the blade trembled in his hand, he stared at Lucifer’s corpse the blackened wings still cooling in death. “We did it” Sam repeated still half stunned and then he laughed, the first time Dean could remember him really laughing for a very long time. The tension seemed to vanish from his brother, Jack smiled too. They were safe and back at the bunker Cas was safe, he had won for once. Fire flared in the pit of his belly made him gasp for breath and double over, he could hear Michael laughing.“Dean?” Sam called to him as Michael seized control of Dean’s body, Dean fought to hold on, but he couldn’t tell where he ended and Michael began. “You’re my perfect vessel, perfect fit. I know you better than you know yourself, Dean” Michael whispered to him.“We had a deal!”“Dean!” Sam scared now, Dean had one last glimpse of Sam’s terrified face, before Michael gathered up his soul and shut him away in the dark.“thanks for the suit”Dean found himself in the cell from his nightmares, not the cage, not hell, that other cell the one hidden in the forests of the rocky mountains. The one where he had finally broken and made a deal with a reaper. The place where he had finally lost all hope of his own survival and was willing to do anything to make sure his family was safe. He stood up the jumpsuit was just as itchy as he remembered, the toilet smelled just as bad. The loose screw was gone from the bed, that told Dean this wasn’t his own imagined prison.“Chow Time” The tray banged against the door, same as it always did, then was shoved through the gap, spilling corn and mash potato over the floor. The cell door swung open and Michael stood there grinning. “Do you like the accommodation?”“we had a deal you dick!” Dean launched himself at Michael, who simply plucked him out of the air and threw him on the ground, he placed a boot on Dean’s throat.“And we are gonna make another deal” “Get out of-”Michael ground his heel down harder, cutting off Dean’s air, he pushed and clawed at the foot restraining him.“Ah Dean, your not strong enough to cast me out and even if you did, I would still kill everyone you love. Now as it is, I promise not to harm a hair on their heads, just as long as you play along.” No choice, he had no choice, Dean felt tears prickle his eyelids. Michael lifted his foot sensing his surrender.“Good, we are gonna have a lot of fun you and I.”After that, Dean had expected Michael to leave him alone. Just lock him away somewhere in his own mind or turn his brain into jello for fun, the reality was much worse. Michael made him watch, never let him sleep, forcing him to bear witness as his own hands committed sins that he would never be able to wash from his already tarnished soul.“Tell me what you want?”Michael whispered the now familiar mantra to another victim, an old lady staring right at him sightlessly.“Please she’s got to be eighty” Dean begged, knowing it was useless.“My sight back”“Wrong answer.” it was always the wrong answer, this one at least Michael just smited, as casually as swatting a fly.“and what about you Deano, ready to tell me what you want yet?” “You know the answer.”“Yeah I do, I just want to hear you say it.”“Never going to happen Mikey.” In the deepest corner of his mind, the one place Michael had not yet found, he prayed, “I love you.” Not for Sam or Jack, not this time, but to the vibrating string of need that was Cas. “I’m sorry”
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“Sam are you alright?”“I’ve been better, I’ve been worse” Sam was rubbing his temple tiredly, “You?”“I’m just sorry I should never have gone to those demons.”“Cas, no, I don’t blame you. Honestly, I wish I’d thought of it first” Sam shook his head, smiled sadly “If it meant finding Dean, I’d work with- I’d do anything.”Cas could only nod, his throat constricted and he looked away. He wondered if Sam could see the un-shed tears in his eyes or sense the unrelenting anger that he was struggling to keep in check. Anger at Dean, for throwing everything away and rage at himself for letting him. ‘How could I allow this to happen?’ “Cas?”a touch on his hand pulled him back to reality, Sam looking at him exhaustion written in the lines of his face. “Sorry Sam.” “It’s okay, I know you miss him too.” So much understanding in Sam’s eyes, too much really. Cas had a feeling Sam knew exactly why he missed Dean, had probably always known. “Thank you Sam.”he muttered, feeling awkward he glanced down at his clasped hands and avoided that concerned gaze. “I need to talk to you about something.” Sam’s turn to look uncomfortable, he fiddled with the beer he had been pressing to his bruised face in place of an ice pack.“What ever you need Sam, do you have another lead for me to follow?” it was back the need to be doing something, anything!“No, actually. I need you to stick around for a few days.” Sam stood up and stretched, his shoulders audibly popped when he rolled them. “So what do you say?”“Sam, no I need to be out looking, I need to be doing something useful.”“Cas-”“What happened today, won’t happen again!” the thought of being stuck here in the bunker, useless, a burden it was more than he could bear. He stood up abruptly, his chair clattering as it fell over. He glared at Sam, “I won’t give up on Dean.”“you can’t help him if you’re dead.” Sam said quietly, his words froze Cas to the core. Sam walked round the table cautiously as if he were approaching a wounded animal. “Cas, you have been throwing yourself headlong at death, since we lost Dean.”“That’s not- I’ve just been trying to help.” Sam’s hand landed heavily on his shoulder, gripped it tightly. Cas made himself look at Sam and saw his own fears clearly reflected in Sam’s hazel eyes.“I know, but I already lost Dean, I can’t lose you as well.” Cas’ heart lurched, Sam was almost begging, the grip on his shoulder tightened.“Please Cas, I’m drowning here, I could use your help.”“I suppose, while we don’t have any leads-”“And if we get a lead we will go together.”“Sam-”“You’re my brother Cas, I need you to stay here and help me protect our family.”“Better together?” Cas said softly, remembering when Dean had said those same words to him.“Yeah, that’s right” Sam hugged him clumsily, to Cas’ surprise, patting his face as they pulled apart.“Sam will you take some uh, friendly advice?”“what?”“You look terrible, get some sleep..” Sam pulled a face at him and laughed softly, a little of the old Sam shining through.“No offence Cas, but you are not exactly a picture of health yourself”“Maybe, but I don’t need sleep. You do”“Touché! I promise I’ll go to bed as soon as I talk to Jack, he was pretty shaken up.”“I’ll talk to him” Cas felt a surge of guilt, so obsessed had he been with finding Dean he had barely spoken to the kid.“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow?” Cas heard the subtext of that statement, ‘you will be here tomorrow’“I’ll be here tomorrow” he promised, knowing that this would be what Dean would want him to do, protect their family. ‘I will find you’
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‘See you soon Dean!’ A mocking, parting whisper in his head and Michael was gone. He shucked Dean off like an old coat and vanished. The guilt of what they had done landed on his mind like a lead weight and he stumbled forward. He grabbed at the first solid thing that came to hand, the rough splintered wooden pillar assured him that ‘yes, this is real’. He closed his eyes tight and pulled the cap from his head, tossing the hated thing to one side. ‘This is a trap’ he reminded himself. He had to hold on to what Michael had told him, he had to remember, it was already slipping away. All he could recall was the obscene glee in Michael’s eyes as his own face in the mirror told him; ‘so hang on and enjoy the ride.’ Then even that was gone, leaving nothing, a void, like the world’s worst whisky hangover or that time in high-school he had dropped acid behind the bleachers. He opened his eyes and recognised Sam, blood splattered his brothers clothes and he was breathing hard, as if he had been in a fight. His Mom and Bobby stood behind Sam, Dean frowned, his head hurt like a bitch. “Sammy it’s me” he managed, breath coming in small panicked gasps, as he groped after the memories that disintegrated even as he reached for them.“Dean is it really you?” The last time Sam had looked at him like that, he had just crawled out of his grave. At least this time, Sam didn’t try to knife him or soak him in holy water.“Yeah it’s really me” Dean tried to stand up, his legs didn’t co-operate and he nearly fell. Sam and Mom helped him sit down, he stared at his hands for a minute, how had he got here? His last coherent memory was stabbing Lucifer in the chest.“Are you okay?” A stupid question considering the circumstances, Sam hunkered down staring into his eyes. Looking, Dean guessed for any trace of Michael.“No, I’m not okay!”“But you got Michael to leave!”“No, no I don’t-I didn’t” He stared into the void in his memory desperately wanting to remember, there was nothing but darkness. “What” Bobby looking incredulous, another echo from that first death so long ago.“He just left.” Of that Dean was certain at least.“Why?” Sam again face scrunched up in confusion.“I don’t know” Dean shook his head and tried again to remember, but it was just gone “I don’t know.”“Does anybody else think this feels too easy?” Bobby swung round examining the shadows of the room.“Yeah, Bobby I do” Dean agreed and pushed himself to his feet, Mary held him upright, her fingers digging into his arm. “I’m not going to disappear Mom.”“I know.” she muttered, her grip didn’t lessen.“How long was I gone?”“Don’t you know?” Bobby approached cautiously, eyes narrow with suspicion, Dean didn’t blame him.“Bobby, I don’t remember a damn thing.”“Dean you been gone near a month, you telling me you can’t remember anything?” Bobby raised his eyebrows.“a month? Last thing I remember is sticking Lucifer with the arch-angel blade, then there’s nothing Bobby.” Dean glanced round, suddenly realising who was missing from this bizarre family reunion, “Sam where’s Cas?” His throat tried to close over the words, dreading the answer.“He’s okay Dean, I made him stay back at the bunker with Jack. Didn’t want Michael picking up on his grace and getting the jump on us”“Smart” Dean muttered, hoping his disappointment didn’t show on his face, right now he needed to see Cas more than anything. ‘I need to know you that forgive me’ a small prayer for absolution .“Speaking of, I’d better ring him, let him know we got you back.” Grinning, Sam pulled his cell from his pocket.“Let me do it.” Dean held out his hand.“Its okay Dean, I’ve got it”“Sam give me the god damned phone!” Dean snatched it from Sam’s fingers and stalked off to a dark corner, ignoring the shocked stares of his family. The phone buzzed a few times before being picked up."Cas its me," he kept his voice low."Dean!" no question, no hesitation in that familiar voice, Dean let out a breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding. "Yes it's really me" His hand shook as he pressed the phone to his ear, “I always know it’s you Dumbass” Cas growled, Dean heard a hint of reproach, he was still pissed at him then.“Well I missed you too, Sunshine”"Are you alright? is Sam with you?""Yeah and Mom and Bobby""What happened, where is Michael?""Cas I don't know, I can't remember." Dean licked his suddenly dry lips, “Cas, we’ll be back in a few hours, I’m going to need you to do something for me.”“What?” Suspicion roughened Cas’ voice, making it deeper. Dean closed his eyes, knowing it would hurt Cas to do what he was going to propose. “I need to remember Cas.” Even asking him hurt, Dean heard Cas’ swift intake of breath as realisation dawned. “Dean, no. I won’t do that to you.”“I’m sorry Cas, but we may not have a choice.”“Dean-” “Got to go, see you soon” he shut off the call before Cas could argue.“Everything alright Dean?” Sam asked.“Everything is fine Sammy, take me home, please”
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“Would he want it any other way!”He should not have said it, Jack realised that the instant the words were out of his mouth. Cas broke right in front of him, eyes shining with hurt, with heart break. Part of him wanted to take it back, to apologise and reassure Cas that he would do anything to get Dean back, just to have Cas smile at him again. But that would be wrong, ‘I know I am right’ the thought skittered across his brain dragging pain with it and Cas was still looking at him like he had murdered Dean in front of him.Jack couldn’t stand it he jumped up and ran back to his room, shutting the door and turning the lock. His laptop lay on the bed where he had left it earlier, browser displaying a bunch of pages which had turned out to be useless. He closed the tabs with a stab, Luke stared back at him from the screen, light sabre held ready. “What would you do?” he asked the glaring jedi, “Stupid question right? You killed your Dad.”he shut the laptop and curled up on his bed. He remembered Dean walking into this room and telling him;“If I’m right and it comes to killing you, I’ll be the one to do it.” At the time it had scared him, but now he understood. It wasn’t a threat, it was a promise to stop him from hurting people, to stop him from hurting Dean’s family. Now Jack was a part of that family and Dean was gone. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing back the tears that threatened to escape, crying was childish and he couldn’t be a child. “Please,” the prayer bubbled out of him, an entreaty to an absent God, “Save him” a plea to an oblivious grandfather. Thinking about God, reminded him of his other grandparents, they were innocent, knowing nothing about any of this. ‘What am I supposed to do?’ his Mom would want him to protect them, Dean would expect him to protect their family, protect the world, what ever the cost. He was caught and it hurt like the angel blade he had nearly shoved in his chest, ‘I wish I had died then.’ The thought rang bitterly in his head and he thumped the mattress in frustration, “bring him back!” a snarl this time not a prayer. Jack hugged his knees tightly as the sobs he had tried to suppress crawled up his throat and escaped in great gasping gulps of pure misery.He was woken up by someone hammering on his door, “Jack open this door!” Cas he realised. He swung his legs out of bed and opened it.“Cas? I’m sorry-”“Deans back!”
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Dean was in the shower again. Focus, focus on the water. On it’s heat, on the steam obscuring everything and the soap lathering up in his hands. Scrubbing now, quickly though. Barely touching his own skin because it wasn’t his skin anymore; it was his, it was Michael’s. No don’t think about that, don’t remember, don’t let the shower become the ocean, it was over. No more drowning. A shudder shook him and he leaned his head against the slick tiles, the ceramic coldness was real, he was back. No need to dwell on what had happened. He lathered up his hands again and brushed the suds over his arms, his fingers grazed the mark on his shoulder and he froze. Unwillingly, he stared at it, fingertips tracing the outline. Two raised welts of knotted tender tissue, more like a brand than a scar. The wound that had freed him was also Michael’s brand, he shivered again and turned the hot water up. “My name is Dean Winchester” he whispered to himself, a reminder, the mantra that had stopped him from drowning. “No, your name is Michael,” A mocking memory. “my name is Dean” he slapped the tiles. “I own you, we are the same you and I”“Shut up!” He rubbed his face, tried to massage the tension from his clenched jaw, it didn’t help. He needed sleep, but sleep was impossible. To close his eyes and maybe tumble back into the dark water was more than he could bear. What would he do if he woke up to Michael smiling at him from the mirror, ready to strip a little more of his soul away? That was the worst part of drowning, everytime he went under he had felt a part of himself disappear, eventually it had been difficult to tell where Michael ended and he began. He had nearly lost his soul as well as his body. An old memory tugged at him Raphael’s abandoned vessel, a sightless, drooling wreck of a man. He had been on his way to becoming that, to becoming nothing. Dean hugged himself, wrapped his arms around his torso, the cold of that imagined ocean was claiming him again. His skin might be flushed pink from the heat of the shower, but inside he was frozen solid. A hesitant tap on the door dragged Dean back to reality, it was followed by another barely audible tap. As if the person knocking was undecided about whether or not to knock at the door at all.“I’ll be out in a minute!” The savagery in his own voice surprised Dean. No answer, it was probably one of the new hunters infesting his home, it was hard not to think of them as invaders. “Dean you have been in there over an hour.” Cas, voice was muffled by the closed door, still Dean could hear the concern.“I’m nearly done.” he managed not to snap this time, for a second he thought Cas had gone away, but there was a click as the door opened. Dean was positive he had locked it, he peered round the shower curtain. Cas stood in the doorway, expression calm, but Dean could read him like a book, Cas was worried.“Are you alright?”“Cas, I will be when you and Sam stop asking me that.”“I’m sorry” Cas mumbled. Dean immediately felt guilty, Cas was trying to help after all.“Could you pass me my towel” Cas nodded and closed the door, he retrieved Dean’s towel from the hook on the back of the door. Dean ducked back into the shower, to wash the last of the soap off.“Jody called.” “is she okay?”More guilt, he had acted like an idiot over the whole Kaia thing.“Her arm is broken and she told Claire about Kaia’s double.”“How did that go?”“About as well as you can imagine.” Cas sighed, Dean peeked through the gap in the shower curtain. Cas had put the lid down on the toilet and was perched on it, Dean’s towel laid across his knees. “Jody is worried she will do something stupid.”“That sounds like Claire.” Dean turned off the water and shoved his hand through the curtain “Can you pass me my towel please.” Cas held it out, a familiar smile twitching at his lips. “Do you mind?” Dean snatched the fluffy blue thing from Cas fingers then twitched the damp curtain back quickly. He didn’t want to see the confusion written on Cas’ face. How many hours had they spent locked in this bathroom together, when Sam and Jack were out? Dean wrapped the towel firmly round his hips and stepped out of the shower.“I’m sorry Dean, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Cas was steadfastly looking at the floor, his dangling hands curled into fists.“You didn’t upset me Cas, I just can’t right now.” Dean took a breath and faced the mirror, his reflection stared back at him. His reflection not Michael's, his body, his skin he reminded himself. Cas appeared in the mirror next to him eyes glistening with unshed tears, his hand hovered over Deans naked shoulder.“Don’t” Dean whispered, Cas’ hand dropped back to his side, in the mirror Dean could see how much that hurt his angel. He dropped his gaze and concentrated on keeping his hand steady as he squirted toothpaste onto the brush.“I don’t know how to make this better.” Cas rumbled, he sounded helpless.“I don’t think you can.” Dean spat the last of the minty stuff into the sink and rinsed out his mouth. He half turned, wanting to reassure Cas, wanting to take solace, but knowing he couldn’t; he felt too raw, Michael had flayed him to the bone. “I have to work through this, myself. You understand?” an imperceptible nod. Cas was turning away, dejection in the hunched line of his shoulders, Dean caught his hand and squeezed it.“I’m here for you, however long this takes.” Cas said softly. Dean could only nod, he turned his gaze back to the mirror and stood very still until he heard the door close behind Cas.“I own you.”
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he was coming back to himself slowly, dredging memories from the dark. Pulling parts of himself from the sticky morass of nothingness that whispered promises of sleep. Odd recollections skittered across his reforming mind, an ice cave in winter, the falling walls of a mud brick city.“they call me-” He murmured to himself, what did they call him? And who were they? He groped after him self, trying to catch at the tattered ribbons of memory. He yearned for the light, but what was the light? He couldn’t remember. “They call me-” family that’s who ‘they’ were, his family. The ones who had told him to pull down the city, whose walls he had shattered to dust. Why had he done that? Broken down their walls?, because he had been told to.A brother fighting another brother, two beings of light brawling in the skies. His family split and broken and an achingly empty throne. He had ran and ran after that, ran as far away as he could. He caught a glimpse of a face, his face. It was a strange face, old and young at the same time, eyes that mocked everything, but never laughed. He grasped at that image dragged it away from the dark-and sat up.“They call me-” his voice stuttered, not quite there yet. Nothingness surrounded him. No not nothingness, that implied there had once been something here. This was void, formless, timeless and silent. He stood up, ‘this is the empty’, part of his mind whispered ‘Cas told me about this’ Cas? Who was Cas? A flash of blue light, a younger brother looking up to him ‘don’t stand on the fish Cas’. Walking in a strange world, just walking side by side talking, while Sam and Dean went ahead. Sam had made him see, had stopped his headlong flight away from the things that pained him.“they call me..” he wandered a while, he could feel them now. All of them sleeping, not even dreaming, their beings frittering away on the winds of never had been.“I see your awake sport, but I’ll go easy on you. Back to bed,” himself and yet not standing in front of him, arms folded grinning.“They call me-”“oh bucko, can’t even remember your name. That’s sad.” It shook his head and laughed.“No, they call me”“This is pathetic” a sneer on the thing wearing his face. It came closer until it’s nose was inches away, “So sad, back to sleep”“my name,” it came back all of it, memories stinging like the needle Asmodeus had used to sew his lips shut. “Gabriel, I’m Gabriel”“Oh you remember, but it won’t do you any good. Nobody wants you back there, you are disposable”“No your wrong”“don’t be ridiculous” it poked him in the chest with a finger.“They are calling me.”“Who?”“my family”“Your family are nearly all here” the thing smirked gesturing to the void.“No, the Winchesters” Cas, Sam, Dean and Jack, his family, his chosen family. The things eyes bulged and it took a step back.“No, not again.”
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Coda 14x 07#2: Graceless angel, you know who I am(rolling stones, wild horses)Rowena had not expected to like him, the theoretical existence of Satan’s son, was something she had dealt with to her own satisfaction a while ago. Now though faced with a reality she was unprepared for, she realised she had not dealt with it, not even a little. She had expected a mini Satan, seeming fair, but speaking foul. Something more akin to the fey folk her mother had warned her against as a bairn, not this golden haired boy. Not jack, who shone with an innocent sweetness she remembered from another time, another child.“Sam and Dean say such nice things about you” he meant it too, there was no guile in those blue eyes. Rowena felt her old grey heart crack a little more, she touched her chest unbelieving. It kept happening, these little chips in the wall she had built round herself. Ever since Fergus, no earlier than that, since Oscar. Losing Fergus had shattered an already broken heart. She glanced back at Sam. She recognised the pain she saw there in his gaze, it was her pain, the worst pain of all; losing a child.“-thank you.” Jack said softly smiling slightly, that was what broke her. The dying child, thanking her for saving what was left of his life and then, like some hero in the god awful ballads of her youth, falling to the ground.“bollocks” She dragged the book of the damned from her bag as Sam hauled Jack upright.“we will find out what’s wrong Samuel” she promised him, she couldn’t meet those eyes though, could not abide the hope she inspired there.There was nothing she could do, she had called every contact. Gabriel’s grace had not worked and now Jack was worse. She had pleaded for Jack’s life in ways she never had for herself, but there was nothing. She poured herself another whisky and sat back, twisting the bottle in and out of the light. Watching it sparkle gold as it hit the liquor, reminding her of another angel with whiskey bright eyes and the cutest tush she had ever seen.”here’s to you Gabriel” she held up the glass “Sláinte!” “So you miss him too?” Sam hovering in the doorway, he looked so tired and worn that Rowena bit back the sarcastic reply that came to her lips. Instead she smiled and gestured to the empty seat opposite her.“Aye, we shared a special moment Gabriel and me”“T MI, Rowena” Sam still sat down though, Rowena poured him a whisky and pushed it across the table.“Thanks.” He picked it up and stared into it before holding it aloft, “To Jack” he said and smiled at her.“To Jack” she took a swig for the wee one and sat back studying Sam. His shoulders were hunched over the table and she could see nothing of his usual optimism. “This is not your fault Samuel”“i should have protected him”“I have learnt the hard way, that we can’t always save our children.” Sam met her eyes finally then, Rowena felt tears prickle as once again she saw her own failings reflected.“I know. I never said, but I was sorry about Crow- about Fergus.”“Well you never understood before did you.”“No I guess I didn’t” Sam was staring into his glass again, “to lose a child.” Sam’s voice tailed of with a choked sob. Rowena reached across the table and squeezed Sam’s hand.“I’ll be here for you Sam, whether we fix him or no.”“Why?” There were tears on Sam’s cheeks now and Rowena wasn’t sure who he was questioning; her or the universe. Rowena leaned forward tightened her grip.“Because it’s not fair, than anyone should suffer such pain.”
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What was that sound? A clicking irregular sound like a broken clock, getting faster and faster. Anubis’ abacus, the black and white counters shuffling back and forth, first to heaven then to hell. Moving faster and faster until they were just a grey blur, there was no answer, no clear cut path. Anubis raised his eyebrow, smiling sadly “It’s up to you.”
Dean woke up gasping, heart racing with the sheets tangled round his legs. A sweat made from nightmares and too much whiskey drenched him making his thin t-shirt stick to his skin. He stumbled upright, pulled the shirt over his head and let it drop to the floor. “It’s okay” he told himself softly, he twisted his hands together, pressing the knuckles into his forehead and tried to slow his breathing. “The kid is back, everything is fine,” Then why didn’t it feel fine? Why the nightmares?
Dean moved over to the sink and avoiding his own reflected gaze, splashed his face with cold water. “I’m fine,” he repeated, it was a lie. A lie he told himself so that he could cope, but still a lie. He ran himself a glass of water and gulped it down, it did little to diminish his raging thirst. There was a darkness, a void in his mind where he dared not look. The place where the dizzy spells and the sense of a world slightly out of kilter surged from when he least expected it; his own personal bad place. The worst part, the very worst part was that he was happy. Sam was okay revelling in his role as hunter in charge. Jack had turned out fine, despite his and Sam’s inept parenting skills. Cas, thinking of the angel brought a smile to Dean’s face that would have scandalised Sam if he had seen it, Cas was home where he belonged. Even his Mom was happy with Bobby! What then was this feeling? Like the calm before the storm.
He looked up and finally met his own eyes in the mirror, half expecting them to flash blue for Michael to come surging back and bury him again under his own memories. He hadn’t kicked Michael out, and that worried him. He wanted the archangel dead at his feet, he needed the certainty of that. Maybe then he could let himself be happy, instead of this constant nagging feeling that all of this was just temporary. Dean drank another glass of water, it didn’t help. He remembered there was apple juice in the fridge. That was what he needed something cold and crisp to wash the gross hangover taste from his mouth.
He heard the voices before he got to the kitchen. The low rumble that made his heart skip was Castiel and the other Jack’s unmistakable tones. Dean wondered if Cas realised the kid was mimicking his tone and smiled to himself. He loitered outside listening.
“At least we have crunch cookie crunch”
“yeah we do” Dean heard Jack sigh, he wondered what they had been talking about to make the kid sound so serious, probably Jack’s Mom he decided. “Did you take the de-coder ring out of the box?” the kid asked, Dean stifled a laugh at that. Sometimes He forgot just how young Jack was.
“Maybe, the secret password is ‘cookie-tacular’.”
He stuck his head round the door “shouldn’t you be in bed?”
“Don’t tell Sam!” Jack response was automatic, Dean glanced at Cas, the angel was smiling.
“Off to bed Jack, you can take the cereal. I won’t tell Sam.” Dean waited until the kid was safely out of the way before sitting down next to Cas.
“How you doing Cas?”
“I’m fine, what about you?”
“I’m always fine” Dean shrugged and squeezed the fingers that slipped shyly round his own.
Later
Dean couldn’t do it, the spear was heavy in his hands, Michael was right in front of him, a supercilious smile twisting the face of the woman he was possessing and Dean was frozen. He wanted to ram that blade into the archangels chest and hear him scream, watch his grace leak into the ether like Lucifer’s had, but he couldn’t move. And Michael was there streaming out of the bad place, burning through Dean’s inadequate defences and pushing him back into the deep waters of his own psyche.
“Get out” he tried to scream, too late.
“I own you, Dean” the echoes of the mocking whispered followed him down into the dark.
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Coda 14 x10: He's truly valiant that can wisely suffer, the worst that man can breathe. The library was shrouded in darkness, a solitary lamp made a dim pool of light around a hunched figure. Cas stared at the book in his hands, the printed words meant nothing. The letters wavered and swam in his vision. His focus was shot, his thoughts tugged at him trying to lead him to places he didn’t want to go, things he really did not want to think about. He shut the book and rubbed his hands over his face. Michael’s twisted words to Dean came back to him; “you only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him” Even the memory hurt, the words were like knives stabbing at him again.“not true” softly, he reminded himself. That wasn’t the worst of it though, Michael’s lies might have the ring of truth, but Cas knew they were still just lies.It was the other thing, the thing that he hadn’t anticipated that was threatening to tear him apart; feeling Dean’s trauma. Sam had only heard, Cas had felt it, lived it as he had rifled desperate, through Dean’s head. “I didn’t know,” Castiel breathed the words out between clenched teeth. He could still feel it now, Dean’s pain. The memories of blood, loss and dreadful logic of necessity that drove Dean to sacrifice himself again and again for the people he loved, Cas could barely stand it. “how could I not know?” the sudden thickness in his throat caught him off guard, he pushed the sob back down and squeezed his hands together instead. “you should have told me, why didn’t you tell me?” he asked the darkness of the library. He should have known that Dean Winchester was a mass of scars held together with nothing more substantial than hope and fierce angry love. Maybe he had known though, deep down in what ever it was that counted for his soul, he knew Dean attached no value to himself. Dean considered himself worthless and weak, Cas knew that wasn’t true. Dean wasn’t just strong, he was righteous, good better than anyone, better than him.That was the crux of it, Cas had seen himself through Dean’s eyes and he felt horribly false; unworthy even. He didn’t deserve the trust Dean put in him, he didn’t deserve that much faith. Nobody did. Cas let his hands fall on the desk and his finger tips found Dean’s initials where he had crudely scratched them in to the table top. He rubbed his fingers in the splintered grooves, tracing the letters. That was Dean, unaware of his own worth and yet making a mark, refusing to go quietly into the night. Cas smiled to himself as his finger caught on a jagged edge and blood welled up. “Always happy to bleed for you Dean.” He jumped as a hand gripped his shoulder and looked up into Sam’s concerned face. “Hi Sam.” His friend nodded and slid into the seat opposite.“How uh you doing Cas?” Sam rubbed his hands together, Cas could see the stress written in his eyes.“I’m okay, I spoke to Jack about burning his soul.”“Good, do you think he listened?”“I think so” Cas shrugged.“Have you spoken to Dean?”“No, have you?” Cas asked, Sam’s turn to shrug and look away. The silence that followed was unbearable, Sam shifted in his chair.“I don’t know what to say to him.” Sam blurted out looking ashamed and still he couldn’t meet Cas’ eyes. “I mean” Sam shook his head, “How long can he hold Michael?”.“Sam, I don’t know the answer to that.” it was the truth once spoken, it felt like a hole had opened inside of him. “It’s going to be alright,” Cas strove to keep his voice level. He reached across the table and gripped Sam’s wrist, “I won’t let Michael take him.”“How Cas? you heard Michael. Dean will end up a vegetable if we yank him out.”“We will find a better way” it sounded trite and stupid to his own ears, but Sam’s expression eased. “of course.” Sam nodded.“I’m going to check on Dean, try and get some sleep Sam.” Cas stood up and waved goodnight.Cas paused outside of Dean’s door, he could hear movement from inside, Someone pacing. He knocked softly and tried the handle, it was unlocked.Dean stopped pacing abruptly, Cas could see he was distressed. Shoulders tensed and in his hand a notebook. “Hey Cas,” Dean managed a smile.“Hello Dean, I came to see how you are.”“I’m aces” Dean grinned, it faltered though. “Well that’s a lie” he ruefully admitted.“Michael?”“Still safely locked up” Dean pointed to his skull, “he’s a bit quieter now, not much though.”“Do you need me?” Cas asked softly.“I always need you, you know that” Dean took a step forward.“What’s that?” Cas pointed to the book in Deans hand. The hunter glanced down at it, Cas thought he saw guilt briefly wash over his face. Dean shrugged.“This?” he held the book up, “This is just a personalised notebook, it’s nothing” Dean placed it on the dresser and turned back. Cas let him push the trench-coat off his shoulders, it dropped onto the floor with a thump. “How about you and me give Michael something to really complain about.” Cas smiled and pulled Dean closer.“I like that plan.”
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Michael threw his weight against the door again and still it didn’t yield. He let out a howl of rage, pitched a keg of beer against the obstruction which did nothing more than dent the shiny metal and make him scream in frustration again. He paused leaning his head against the cool metal and tried to gather his scattered thoughts. This was intolerable, he was a creature of light and air, God’s favoured son, if he could spread his wings they would block out the stars. Yet here he was trapped like a songbird in a cage. Worse, he had been trapped by two powerless humans and a broken seraph-the indignity of it.Was this what it had been like for his brother? He remembered the day he had cast Lucifer into the cage. He had been elated at first, until he had turned and seen the battlefield littered with the dead. Rebel and loyalist tangled together, their grace gone streaming into the empty and Michael had realised just what Gods first born had sacrificed for humanity. Michael had given up his brother for beings who created chaos, their very existence an affront to order. He had tried to love them despite what they had cost him, he had stood at his father’s right hand and helped him write the story. He had smited the evil and inspired prophecy when ordered too, he had tried. Then God was just gone and Michael had tried to steer the ship by the words his father had left, but now he was alone. His brothers were all vanished too, except Raphael. Raphael, who clung to him too terrified to think for himself.All the time he watched the humans as they rose from the mud, exchanged huts for gleaming cities, living their short painful lives and filling heavens eternal spaces with their mean little dreams. He realised that no matter how hard they aspired towards order, chaos was ingrained in them and he was expected to save these dirty last born children of an absent God? These pitiful limited things that scarcely perceived the universe around them? He had given up everything for humanity and they had given him nothing in return.So he had given the order to break the seals on Lucifer’s cage and when Lilith had spilled her foul blood on to the stones of that church, out the devil had surged bent on vengeance. Even then, Lucifer had hesitated had asked the question Michael had dared not vocalise. “Do you think this will bring him back?” “Maybe” Michael remembered the assent in Lucifer’s eyes and the sharp pain of regret as they had fought like falcons above an already smoking earth. Then Gabriel surging on to the field screaming for them to stop, brandishing his blade. Only for Lucifer to run him through and let his vessel drop lifeless from the sky. In the end he had slammed Lucifer to earth, pinioned him there with his lance. Lucifer had died fast, the lance’s poisoned magic turned his vessel to atoms and his grace to ash. But to Michael it was an eternity of waiting.Nothing happened.Nothing.The last of Lucifer’s being wasted away and Michael realised his father was never coming back. God had let him kill Lucifer “Forgive me brother.” His father did not care. Michael had risen from where he knelt in fire and fury and given the order, the humans would pay with their souls. He would burn the world.Things had changed, he had come here and had realised what God had done. All these little worlds stacked together like books on a shelf, half finished stories wanting an end. He would make that end, he would end all of it. He would find his father and demand to know why? Then he would kill him.But first he had to get out of this cage.
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Spn coda 14x12: No bacon birthday“Come on Dean, cheer up. You know people say life begins at forty” Sam grinned and dropped a plate of pancakes in front of him. Dean glared at his brother.“Shut up Sammie, only people who haven’t turned forty say that.” he stabbed the pancakes with his fork. “There had better be bacon.” Dean watched his brother’s expression flicker and laid down his cutlery. “Sam, where is the bacon?”“Jack ate the last of it, sorry.”“Son of a bitch, that kid eats like a horse.”“He has gone to the store to get some more.”by way of an apology, Sam slid a mug of coffee across the table. “I’m sure he will be back soon.”“He better.”Dean resumed eating his pancakes, he paused fork half way to his mouth. “Where’s Cas?”“No idea, haven’t seen him.” Sam shrugged. Dean raised a suspicious eyebrow, Sam looked way too innocent.“Probably for the best anyway.” Dean poured more maple syrup onto his breakfast and added another knob of butter.“I take it you two still haven’t made up then? He’s still pissed with you?”“Sam why do you think I told you not to tell him!”“You didn’t seriously think we would let you rot in that box? Come on Dean!” Sam was giving Dean his best ‘sad puppy-dog’ stare. It wasn’t going to work this time, there was a metallic tinkle as his fork fell on to the table top, he stood up.“He is still in my head Sam, Michael is still in my head. You telling Cas’ and his little stunt with Donatello did nothing to change anything.” Irritated he stalked out of the kitchen, Sam at least had the good sense not to follow him. The garage was cold, even so he slipped into baby’s front seat and sat down. His hands gripped the steering wheel, he let the anger whistle out between his gritted teeth. ‘They should have let me go’, he thought as bitterness squeezed his chest. ‘i would have been fine’, yes he would have because they would have been safe and he could have buried himself in his imaginings, returned to his little slice of heaven; His bar, at least that’s what he told himself, Michael might have other more inventive ideas.But Sam had told Cas and that had stopped him. Cas had saved him; again, just like that first time when he had dragged Dean’s ass from hell and he had been so angry, angelic grace sparking in his eyes “Stop this suicidal course of action!” and the fight with Sam had sealed it. Dean wasn’t going anywhere, at least not as long as Cas and Sam had anything to do with it. Maybe that was the problem, maybe he should just fire up the car and go, do it on his own. Decision made he reached for the keys and nearly jumped out of his skin as the passenger door opened, Cas peered in one eyebrow raised, “What?” Dean spat at him.“Going somewhere?”Cas didn’t wait for him to get the lie on his tongue out, the angel just climbed in the car and glared at him. “Are you ready to talk?”“Cas, I really don’t-”“Dean, we have to talk about this. You were going to kill yourself”“That’s not-” He started to argue, but the look on Cas’ face silenced him. “I know, okay. But what else have we got? Michael is still in here.” Dean tapped the side of his head savagely. He immediately regretted that, it just made the ever present pounding in his head worse. “Did you actually think I would let you lock yourself away?”“Why do you think I made Sam swear not to tell you?” Dean couldn’t bring himself to look Cas in the eye, instead he stared at a scratch on the dashboard.“Dean,” more of a breath than a sound “You can’t keep doing this.”“Doing what?” Dean feigned ignorance, he tried to ignore the sick feeling in his belly. He already knew what Cas was going to say next and he didn’t want to hear it.“You know what. Stop trying to throw your life away, I’m not going to let you do it, Sam’s not going to let you do it.” Cas’ voice cracked, Dean heard it break. His chest went suddenly tight at the misery in his angels voice.“I’m just trying to protect you, not just you, but Sam and that bacon stealing kid too.”“Jack ate all the bacon?” Cas interjected.“Yes, Jack ate all the bacon, it’s my birthday, I have an archangel in my head and there is no bacon” Dean slammed his hands against the wheel, “As birthdays go, this is the worst.” he shrugged at Cas, who was watching him carefully, “I’d prefer being at the bottom of the sea” he muttered a grim smile twitching his lips.“Are you trying to diffuse this situation with humour?” Cas tilted his head to one side, eyes narrowed suspiciously.“is it working?”“No, it is not working” Cas snorted jabbing quotation marks in the air and rolling his eyes. “We are having this conversation Dean, whether you like it or not.” Dean opened his mouth to speak, but Cas glared at him. The angel appeared to be thinking hard, after a second his eyes flicked up and met Deans gaze. “There maybe no bacon and yes there is an archangel in your skull. Even so, it’s your birthday and you are here with me. You do not get to decide when this ends, we all decide that; together as a family” Cas scooted along the seat until he was pressed up against Dean and jabbed him in the chest with his index finger, “you, me, Sam and Jack, we love you” Cas paused “I love you” Cas took a breath, Dean tried to ignore the tears on his face. “and you do not get to go where I can’t follow you”“Cas I’m sorry” Soft lips on his, withdraw too soon, a hungry searching kiss that took Dean’s breath away and quieted the noise in his head.“Then stay with us, stay with me” Dean crushed down his disappointment as Cas abruptly got out of the car, slamming the door after himself. After a second he reappeared and looked through the window, “Are you coming?” a question and a proposal. Dean fumbled with the door handle nearly falling out in his haste. He jogged across the garage and caught up with Cas, winding his arm round the broad shoulders possessively “I take it back” he whispered in Cas’ ear “Best no bacon birthday ever”
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Cas pushed open the door of the bunker and stepped inside. He was concerned about Jack, his son seemed preoccupied. Cas was starting to doubt whether he should have let him stay behind with Jules and her crew, but the murmur of familiar voices dragged his mind from that concern. “Mary?” he called out questioning, she appeared as he said her name followed by her sons “Sam, Dean” he looked at them in turn, feeling suddenly sick when he saw their bruises, “What happened?”“Well there’s a story,”Dean shrugged. Cas walked down the steps, something had happened. He could see Dean had been crying, Mary’s eyes were red rimmed and sore looking; Even Sam looked as if he was on the brink of tears.“Guy’s what’s going on?” Cas felt a wave of fear, the last time he had seen Dean this upset was when Jack had died. Mary shook her head, turned and walked away with her head bowed. “I’ll go after her” Sam muttered and followed.“Dean?” Cas asked, he kept his voice soft, Dean looked ready to break in two.“We got Dad back,”“Your Father? How?.”“Does the how matter? We had him back Cas, just for the day, but we had him back.” Cas found himself nodding, despite not knowing what the hell Dean was talking about.“Okay, Dean. You look like you are about to fall over, come with me” Cas gripped Dean’s shoulder and steered the unresisting hunter to the library table. “Sit” he ordered him gently and pushed him into a chair.“Cas I-”“Wait” Cas held up a finger to silence him, gratifyingly this time Dean listened. Cas poured two whiskies, set one down in front of Dean and settled himself into the chair opposite with the other. “Now tell me.”“Something happened.”“I guessed that” Cas made himself look away, knowing eye contact would just fluster Dean and embarrass him; he had learned that long ago. “Your dad?” he prompted softly. Out of the corner of his eye Cas saw Dean sit up and shrug his shoulders, trying to push away whatever was bothering him, trying to communicate that it wasn’t that big a deal. Even if really it was the whole deal, even if it was tearing him apart inside. Cas sipped his whisky, dealing with Dean was sometimes like dealing with a feral cat, even after all these years his righteous man was slow to reveal weakness.“I made him come back, I summoned him” the admission was made wonderingly as if Dean didn’t believe he had done such a thing. Cas observed him through hooded eyes, Dean still wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at his own hands as if they had conjured John Winchester here; maybe they had.“are you alright?” it was the only thing he could ask, specifics could come later.“No” Dean’s voice cracked, Cas took a deep breath. “I had to say goodbye again, so did Sam. Mom had to say goodbye.”“Why?” Cas leaned forward and caught Dean’s gaze, tears glistened again in the hunters eyes.“Because it was a nice dream while it lasted, but it was just a dream.”“And now” Cas saw a single drop slide down Deans face, he reached over and wiped it away.“Because what we have is real, I’d rather have all of this and you, than some dream anytime” it was barely a whisper, Dean caught the hand wiping away his tears and kissed the knuckles. “You didn’t tell him about me did you?”“I did-”“But?”“He thinks you are a girl”
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Cas watched Dean as he threw another armful of brush wood onto the blazing funeral fire. They had been out here in the woods for hours, Dean seemed determined that nothing would be left of their fallen friends except ash and dust. They hadn’t spoken since Dean had lit the pyre, “it wasn’t your fault” he had whispered to him only for his hunter to turn and glare at him with guilt laden eyes.“You know it damn well was, Cas” Dean had turned away to stare into the hungry flames. “Maggie didn’t deserve this, none of them deserved this!” Sam, Jack and Rowena had left shortly after that, trusting Cas to watch over Dean’s silent accusing rage.“We should uh, go home, you need to sleep.” Cas said softly, Dean didn’t answer, didn’t even appear to hear the question. Cas bit his lip, he hated it when Dean got like this; he could almost see the guilt staining his soul. Robotically Dean fetched another load of wood, “Dean please!” Cas shouted, Dean heaved the logs onto the fire and finally looked at him.“What?” he demanded. Cas took a few steps forward hand outstretched. “Dean you need to sleep, please lets go home” Cas repeated, not caring if Dean heard the pleading in his voice.“Well you don’t need to sleep why are you complaining?” Dean shoved his hands in his pockets, there was something belligerent in his tone.“I might not, but you do” “how am I supposed to sleep after this?” He pointed to the pyre where the bodies were starting to collapse into ash. “You should have let me go, I could have stopped all of this.” Savagely he kicked a loose log back into the fire sending a shower of sparks up into the dark. Cas saw Dean tip his head back to watch the sparks fade out against the stars.“I couldn’t do that, I won’t let you throw yourself away needlessly.” Cas moved close enough to clasp Dean’s wrist. Cas could feel his pulse fluttering under the skin, a reminder that Dean was alive. “I told you before, I will not let you sacrifice yourself, I will not let you die.” “It wasn’t needless Cas” Dean snatched his hand away. “For a while everything was fine because we got everybody back but now-” Dean swallowed and his gaze dropped to the floor, “I don’t want to lose everyone again, I can’t go through that.”“So you’d rather die yourself?” The answer Cas saw in Dean’s eyes made him shiver.“Today, tomorrow what difference does it make?” Dean shrugged “One day, they’ll all be gone, even you.”“I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.” Cas took Dean by the shoulders.“But you already did Cas, you died.” Dean’s voice was thick with unshed tears, his face was drawn into tight lines of mute suffering. Cas felt that pain like an angel blade to the heart, he pulled Dean into a fierce hug.“I will take every day I can get with you, every second I can squeeze from this universe, do you understand me?” Cas whispered in Dean’s ear, “I will not let you go until the stars die out.”“I’m still human Cas, one day-” Dean pulled away a little, Cas felt his fingers graze his jaw.“That’s one day, it’s not today.” Cas kissed him. Dean responded like a man famished, desperately crushing their lips together. Cas hugged him tight, he had missed this closeness, the feeling that just for a moment nothing else mattered besides the two of them; that nothing else existed beside the two of them. Their lips parted with an audible pop, Dean was actually grinning at him. For this moment it seemed the shadows had dissipated and Cas was grateful for that, “Something amusing?” he asked smiling back at Dean. “That was pretty romantic, what you said just now” Dean’s grin became cheshire cat like, Cas felt his cheeks flush.“I don’t recall what I said.” Cas muttered and held out his hand, “Can we go home now?”“you know about ‘you loving me till the stars die out’”Dean wiggled his eyebrows.“Dumbass”“you love me sunshine”“I’m starting to question my life choices.” Cas growled with mock annoyance, trying to suppress a smile. “And I love you too” Dean burst out laughing and Cas let him lead him towards the car, Reality would snap back soon, but for now no-one else existed except him and Dean. He stored the memory up against the day when there would be no more new memories. He pushed aside the foreboding already trying to infect even this moment. He held it back until after they got home, until Dean was deeply asleep beside him. “I’m going to lose you,” the words hissed out from between his clenched teeth. It wasn’t defeat, it was angry certainty, Cas knew that one day this would end and the unfairness of it all galled him. “But not yet” he reminded himself. He lay back down and his fingers closed round Dean’s lax hand. “Not yet.”
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Sam set a bottle on the table and a glass down in front of Rowena. “Is that the good stuff?” she asked picking it up to squint at the label. Sam shrugged.“Best the Liquor store had.”“It’ll have to do then” she twisted the cap off and took a sniff, “Well it’s no battery acid at least” the liquid sloshed into the tumbler. “Where’s your glass?” “I better not, I should wait for Cas and Dean to come back.” Rowena rolled her eyes and pulled a face at him.“I’m not drinking alone Samuel, go fetch yourself a glass.” Her tone brooked no argument, Sam gave up with a sigh.“I’ll be right back” by the time he got back from the kitchen with one of the heavy, cut glass tumblers, Rowena had retrieved her hand bag and was carefully repairing her mascara. She peered at him over her compact mirror.“Where’s Jack?”“Believe it or not he is asleep, I just checked on him.” Sam poured himself a drink and settled back in his chair.“Well the poor wee boy had a trying day, probably for the best.”She shut the compact with a snap and stowed it away in her bag. Silence hung between them, heavy and cloying like greasy smoke. Sam shifted in his chair, the last time they had sat together like this was when they had nearly lost Jack. He sipped his drink and tried to think of something to say, Rowena beat him to it.“Did he tell you?” “Did who tell me what?” Sam asked, fatigue was starting to pull at his eyelids and his brain felt foggy. Rowena huffed and pursed her lips.“Michael obviously, did he tell you why I said yes?”“Yes. He said you did it to save us, to save all of us.” Sam leaned forward and took Rowena’s hand, she was staring off into the darkness of the library. “Thank you” he added, she pulled her hand away.“I knew he was lying” she sniffed, “I thought maybe I could stop him.”“Rowena, he was an arch-angel-”“I had to try Samuel.” Her eyes strayed to where Maggie’s lifeless body had fallen, “That girl was so very young and I killed her.” her voice trembled and she fell silent. Sam stood up walked round the table and knelt down in front of her.“It wasn’t you, it was Michael.” she was staring at her hands, a reformed lady Macbeth looking for the stain that wouldn’t wash away. Sam took her hands in his, he had never realised how small they were and Rowena did seem smaller now, deflated. She glanced down at him and he recognised the look in her eyes. It was the same shadow he saw in his own reflection sometimes, “Do you remember being possessed?”“Aye” she nodded, “Every second of it, he wanted me awake, he wanted me to see-” her eyes flicked briefly shut and she took a deep shuddering breath. “That bastard wanted me to see everything. Was that what it was like for you? With Lucifer?”“Yes, some of it.”“How am I supposed to live with this Sam?” her voice was small and broken, a total change from her usual confident tones. Sam hated it, he hated seeing her like this, he squeezed her hands together. “Rowena you are one of the strongest people I know.”“Flatterer” she muttered. “Maybe, but it’s true you will find a way to deal with this.”“Did you? Find a way?” she demanded, Sam tried not to notice her freshly applied mascara was smudged again.“Honestly, no not a good way. At least not yet.”“You’re not exactly filling me with confidence here Sam.” The teasing tone was back in her voice. Sam smiled at her then realised what he was feeling and who the feeling was for. He froze for a moment and wandered if Rowena knew what he was thinking. A glance confirmed she did, she tilted her head and smiled.“Uh maybe I should go.” He started to get up, he could already feel the blush creeping up his neck, but Rowena threw her arms around his shoulders and kissed him. He stood up in surprise, Rowena dangling comically.“Samuel Winchester, either kiss me or put me down!” Sam stared down at her, this was Rowena, the most powerful witch in the world and a woman he had tried to kill on multiple occasions. But he wanted her and that confused the hell out of him.“Sam?”she prompted “If I fall from this height I could break an ankle!” In response he wrapped his arms round her slight form and pressed his lips against hers.“I’m not going to let you fall.”Dean was only half awake when he stumbled into the kitchen the next day, so it took him a second or two to register Rowena sat sipping coffee. Nothing unusual in that, what confused him was she was wrapped in one of Sam’s old shirts and seemingly nothing else. She raised her mug at him in salute.“Morning Dean” Sam called cheerfully from the stove, Dean could smell eggs frying now. He walked over to his brother.“Sam, am I hallucinating?” he whispered, wandering if perhaps the gorgon had done some permanent damage to his head.“Nope.” Sam grinned at him.“Isn’t she a little old for you?” he tried.“How old is Cas, to the nearest billion?”“okay you win!”“I can hear you Dean” Rowena called out, Dean shrugged at her.“I can’t deal with this right now, I’m going back to bed.”“Say good morning to Cas”
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Naomi sighed and stared at her computer, of course it wasn’t a real computer just a physical manifestation of the task at hand. In this instance that meant trying to juggle heaven’s ever dwindling resources so that the place didn’t fall apart, on the plus side she had just won her third game of patience in a row, but she was no closer to plugging the gaps appearing everywhere in the system.A soft sound, like paper rubbing together, caught her attention. “What the hell?” there was a snake on her desk. A small red snake with shiny black eyes, confused she poked it gently with her pen. It stuck out it’s tongue and proceeded to slither round her arm in search of warmth, reminding her of a bracelet she had once worn in Egypt-good times, she remembered. She held up her arm and looked the snake in the eye. Okay so it was a real snake, or at least a real snake soul. Which was confusing because snakes were not supposed to have souls, she let out another long suffering sigh. “Duma!”“What is it?” Duma, wandered in staring distractedly at her own construct of a tablet.“What is this?” Naomi demanded holding up the snake. Duma frowned at her.“It’s uh, it’s a snake Epicrates Cenchria, rainbow boa, if I am not mistaken” Naomi resisted the urge to roll her eyes, Duma had been annoyingly vague ever since the empty had possessed her. What was the human phrase? ‘Away with the fairies’.“I know it’s a snake, why is it on my desk?”“Maybe it escaped?” Duma shrugged.“Where from?” Naomi resisted the urge to flinch as the warm little body curled round her neck.“I don’t know, one of the naturalists heavens? Have you been in Steve Irwin’s? it’s like a venomous petting zoo.”“Who?”Naomi blanked, sometimes it was hard to keep track of every one of the billions of souls residing in heavens spotless corridors.“You know, the guy with the crocodile lake and the spider collection.”“Oh yes, him” Naomi recalled with a shudder, yes she was supposed to love all of creation, but spiders she found difficult to cope with. Humans! She would never understand them. She gave herself a mental shake. “Anyway this is not a construct, this is a real snake” she unwound the animal from her neck, it protested with a hiss.“That is weird” Duma took a step back, Naomi wandered if Duma felt about snakes the way she felt about spiders. “Well it’s a mystery that will have to wait, lets hope it’s an isolated incident.”“You want me to give it to the crocodile guy?” Duma asked, she didn’t make any move to take the snake, which was trying to curl round Naomi’s wrist again. Naomi looked at the little creature and back at Duma.“No I think I’ll keep him here” Naomi waved a hand and a terrarium appeared on her desk, gently she placed the snake inside. Dumas relief at not having to touch it, was palpable.“What will you call him? Humans name their pets” Duma asked. Naomi peered into the tank, where the snake was curling up under the heat lamp with every sign of enjoyment a reptile was capable of showing. She grinned to herself, a snakes heaven was simple compared to a humans, warmth and a full belly was all he needed.“He reminds me of an old friend, I’ll call him Crowley.”
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“Are you sure there isn’t something you are not telling me” Dean asked for the second time, Cas took a deep breath and prepared to lie- again, he couldn’t look Dean in the eye.“I told you I just need some time out.” He rolled out of bed, away from Dean’s warmth. “Where are my pants.” “On the floor where you left them” Cas could practically hear the smirk in Dean’s voice. Cas shot him an annoyed look, but Dean just grinned and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “I thought I might check in with Jody” Cas bent down to retrieve his pants.“now that is what I call a view” “Dean!”“Go on do it again” “Really?”“I’m sorry, what do you expect standing there all, all-” Dean raised his hands helplessly, “like that” he concluded.“Like what exactly?”“You know all hot and naked.”“Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one second?” Cas pulled on his pants, as he did so Dean made a disappointed noise. Cas pretended to ignore him “Shirt?” he demanded.“Over there hanging on the wardrobe.” Feeling miserable Cas fetched it, he was lying to Dean, but what was he supposed to do? Jack needed to be fixed and Cas could not bring himself to put Dean and Sam in harms way. He had to find Chuck and quickly. “Look come back to bed” Dean threw back the covers, an inviting smile twitching his lips.“Dean, I just have to get away for a little while.”“Did I do something? Is it cause I made you watch tombstone again?”“No, Its nothing like that” Cas finished buttoning his shirt and looked round for his tie.“On the dresser” Dean said pointing, Cas bit his lip, he could tell Dean was in a mood.“I’ll be back soon enough” Cas sat on the bed and took the point of Dean’s chin in his hand, and kissed him gently.“Fine” Dean muttered, “But you will call? No going dark.”“I promise, I’ll text too.”“Okay” Dean seemed somewhat mollified. “But you make me coffee before you go.”“Fine”
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Coda 14x16 #2: No more goodbyes.Dean rolled over in bed and again, he saw the empty space beside him. He hated it when Cas was away, hated it. He understood the need to get away and he knew it wasn’t his fault, ‘probably isn’t my fault’ he corrected himself. Even so he couldn’t help feeling that one day Cas might just fly away forever. That one morning he would wake up and Cas’ face would not be on the pillow, that he would never look into those oh so very blue eyes again. The thought of it made him feel queasy. He didn’t want the empty space back inside of him, the one he had tried to fill with one night stands, booze, bullets and bacon. The memory of it set his teeth on edge, how the emptiness had yawned up inside him when he had thought Cas was gone forever. Nothing could have filled that void in his soul. He hadn’t even realised what it was he had until it had been ripped away from him. Now just the thought of losing Cas made him feel sick, he wondered if Cas knew, if he understood and what had he done this morning when Cas had left? He had made a joke, flirted. “I’m an idiot” Dean muttered to himself and sat up. On the bedside table there was a cup, one of those thermo-mugs, it was a bright metallic blue. Dean stared at it he fuzzily remembered seeing a rack of the brightly coloured cups at a gas station, he remembered too mentioning them to Cas. Dean smiled to himself, Cas rarely bought him presents. It would be too hard to explain, after all Sam still didn’t know about them, though Dean was sure by now it was mostly denial in Sam’s case and as for Jack, that wasn’t really a conversation Dean wanted to have with the kid.Dean picked up the cup and unscrewed the lid, he breathed in a thick sweet waft of coffee scented steam; Cas’ coffee, the only coffee worth waking up for. He took a long sip savouring it, the last decent coffee he would have until Cas’ came home. Sam’s coffee was awful, he loved his brother, but the dude had no coffee making skills. The coffee was like Cas, something he had come to rely on without realising and something that couldn’t be replaced once it was gone. He sighed and took another sip his fingers found an odd rough spot on the mugs otherwise smooth surface, he turned it around in his hands. There was a bright yellow and black cartoon bee painted on the side of the cup, with the legend ‘always bee mine’ underneath. Dean blinked and laughed, relief bubbling through him. Of course Cas knew, despite Dean’s ham-fisted words his angel knew. He reached for his phone and texted “Ty 4 the mug.”“U R welcome” The reply pinged back, “Dumbass”
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Cas sat in his truck until he saw Anael climb safely into the back of a cab and then he finally took his cell phone from his pocket. He let the thing rest in his hand, it felt heavier than normal. The dark screen showed him his own worried reflection. His finger hovered, he should unlock it, scroll down and ring Dean. But he didn’t want to, his gut was already knotting in dread because Anael had been right about one thing; he did not want to tell Sam and Dean the truth about Jack.Telling them would mean admitting he had failed, that he couldn’t fix anything, couldn’t protect his family. Gathering all his resolve, he unlocked his cell not wanting to see the happy smiling faces of his family that Jack had set as his ‘wallpaper’. He couldn’t avoid Dean’s frozen gaze though, he stared down at the picture, movie night, he couldn’t remember which one. Suddenly, it hurt to breath Cas put the phone down and clasped the steering wheel. Why did he keep getting things wrong? Why couldn’t he just be honest with Dean? He didn’t need Anael to answer that question at least. He just wanted to shield Dean from any more hurt, but what ever he did just seemed to make things worse. He remembered his deal with the empty, ‘tough luck’ he muttered to the absent entity, happiness seemed even further out of reach than normal.A soft ping dragged his attention back to his phone, resentfully he picked it up. A text message from Dean. Cas read it his heart sinking ‘Nick was trying to raise Lucy, CALL ME NOW’. No choice he had to tell them now, feeling sick he hit the call button.“Hey Cas” Dean’s voice, he sounded tense.“I got your message, Nick was trying to raise Lucifer?” Cas couldn’t help rolling his eyes at Nick’s predictability.“Yeah”“Where is he now?”“I don’t..uh..kid said he took care of him. So right now we are just trying to find Jack and Mom” Dean’s words sent a chill down Cas’ spine. How had Jack ‘taken care’ of Nick?“Are they together?” Cas asked dreading the answer.“Yeah”“Alone” he didn’t want the answer, the dread knotting his stomach was turning into panic. If anything happened to Mary, Dean would never forgive him.“Yeah, why? Why do you...Yes Cas they were alone”“What’s he saying?” Sam’s voice faint in the background. “Cas?” Cas could hear the confusion in Dean’s voice.“I um..” he couldn’t get the words out ‘I should have told you’“If you have something to tell us now is the time?” Suspicion saturated Dean’s voice“I saw Jack, he did something when I got home with Sam. I went to check on him and Felix was sick.”“Felix? You mean the snake”“Yes” Cas paused, nothing for it he had to tell Dean, “Jack used his powers, he killed the snake.” if honesty was supposed to be cathartic, Cas couldn’t see it, he plunged on before Dean could interrupt “I think Jack considered it a mercy. I was going to tell you but-”“you just wanted to wait until we were already freaked out.”“I’m sorry, I don’t think Jack is well Dean.” silence from the other end of the line, “Dean-” the hunter cut him off. “I’m sorry” Cas muttered and immediately redialled, it went straight to Dean’s voice mail.“This is Dean if it’s important call Sam or Cas.”“I’m coming home.” Cas hesitated for a moment before adding “I’m sorry Dean.” he turned the key in the ignition and drove out of the alleyway. All he could do was head for home and hope everything was okay, that Dean would understand why he had kept things from him. Maybe this time everything would be okay, just maybe.
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“lightly cursed, nothing an angel can’t handle, thanks very much Castiel” Anael growled to herself as she crouched behind an up turned table in her hotel room. There was a thump as another book crashed into her make shift shield. It was followed by an expensive sounding tinkle of glass, as a vase arched over head and smashed into the wall. Anael risked a peek at her adversary, yes adversary. The earrings Cas had given her were not cursed, they were haunted and Anael had a feeling Cas had known that; it was probably his idea of a joke.The ghost was still manifesting, a vision of human mortality, all voluminous mouldy skirts and a deaths head of mummified skin topped with an incongruously elegant blonde chignon. The spectre opened her mouth and screamed;“Rends-moi mes boucles d'oreilles!” Anael had, had enough brushing broken glass off of her silk blouse she surged to her feet.“They are not your earrings! I am an angel of the lord and you will calm the hell down or I will burn your soul to ash!” The ghosts mouth snapped shut, a flicker of sentience flared in the corpse white eyes. “You would not dare!”“Oh so you can speak English”“it is a coarse tongue, but hardly difficult to master. Now return my property!”“No” Anael took a step forward, “I am not afraid of you.”“They were given to me by the king of France himself.” Anael ducked as another vase smashed into pieces against the wall.“I highly doubt that, who were you? Marie Antoinette?” The ghost screamed in rage and Anael felt phantom fingers trying to grab at her. “I’m an angel your tricks won’t work on me, now” Anael smiled brightly at the thing, “So who were you? Come on I don’t have all day.” she tapped her foot impatiently. The semi transparent figure shook its head in confusion.“Who am I?” it wasn’t asking Anael, the question was directed at itself.“Yes your name, you had one right?” “Jeanne Antoinette Poisson” She whispered, “My friends call me, Reinette” that rang a bell somewhere deep in Anael’s memory and in the ghosts too, her form shivered dust of centuries vanishing.“Wait,” Anael smiled “you’re Madame de Pompadour.” She had enjoyed watching the french, so stylish.“Yes”“I get it all the power behind the thrown stuff, I tried it. Didn’t work out”“Are you comparing yourself to me?”“Hey, I was Queen of heaven Reinette.”“So what happened?”“Turned out my King was an idiot” she took a breath, idiot didn’t quite cover it “Lucifer is a spoilt, selfish, attention seeking child”. It felt good to say the words, cathartic even. “Ah I see”“actual Lucifer and I still don’t know how I could have been that stupid” Anael sat down heavily on a couch, there was a ghostly rustle of skirts as Reinette joined her. “i should have backed the other horse, but we all have 20/20 hindsight right”“And who was the other horse?”“Castiel you spent some time riding around in his pocket, remember?”“Yes, he pretended not to see me. Which was not gentlemanly.” Reinette let out a huff of mock annoyance, before laughing out loud, Anael too her eternal surprise found herself laughing. “Men!”“I suspect what ever happened was not your fault” Reinette said when she had regained her composure,“but you must forgive me for saying this. you cannot be real, I have met an angel”“Who was that?”“I never knew his real name, but he saved my life so many times, except the last of course. I’ve been waiting for him to come back.” There was something in Reinette’s tone of voice that resonated with Anael, she felt inexplicably sad.“All this time, you have been waiting for him.”“one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel.”“Reinette, he is probably waiting for you in heaven, you should go and let me keep the earrings.”“and why should I believe you?” Reinette asked softly. Anael reached over and took a cold hand.“because I am an angel” she smiled and flashed her broken wings briefly. Reinette nodded.“Okay, I’ll go with you now” She whispered.“’Bout time” Billy said as she emerged from the shadows. Anael instinctively backed away. This was Death after all, a modicum of respect was mandatory. Billy waved her hand and Reinette coalesced into a sphere of energy that shot away through the ceiling. “So Death herself comes for Madame de pompadour” Anael said softly, Billy’s eyes flicked over her and she smiled sweetly.“I like to keep my hand in.” Sarcasm, Anael winced hoping she hadn’t upset Billy too much. “Besides, she won’t stay in heaven, he will come for her.” “who?”“The one who is a bigger pain in my ass than the Winchesters”Reinette stared at the rose in her hand, a rose from her garden in Versailles. Voices caused her too look up, this was Versailles. She looked around, all was as it had been, she could see the king approaching along the white gravel path. This was the day they had spent on the lake. A noise interrupted her thoughts, a screaming, groaning that tore open the perfect blue sky. A fiery void opened up disgorging a bright blue box. The door swung open and a blonde woman raced out, stopping in front of Reinette and looking at her with familiar wide eyed panic. “This is a difficult place to break into, are you comin’ or not?”“Doctor?”“Yes I know, I know different face and stuff, now are you coming Reinette or not?” The blonde woman turned running back to the TARDIS and opened the door. Reinette gathered up her skirts and ran after her.“Still you?” she demanded slightly out of breath.“I’m always me” That familiar wiggle of the eyebrows sealed it.“Then show me the stars doctor”Anael arrived just in time to see a bright blue box disappearing from sight, beside her she heard Billy huff, Death was wearing a defeated smile. “Told ya”
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Coda 14 x18#1: That which remains: Smoke.Some dim distant part of Dean knew he shouldn’t be drinking. At least that he shouldn’t be drinking on his own, in his room with the door locked. He also probably shouldn’t be sat in the dark staring at his laptop screen, clicking through the photos he had saved from his phone. He really didn’t remember taking so many; snaps of after hunts, out in bars, fishing with Jack, his Mom grinning at the camera.“Jack, Mom” he breathed. He blinked the threatened tears away not wanting to deal with the tangle of emotions, rage and grief mingled together making his heart pound. ‘what am I supposed to do now?’ he thought, finger hoovering over the delete button. “Am I supposed to kill you?” he asked the innocently smiling face. His Mom was in heaven, but without a soul where would Jack go? would he just stop? Or would he end up in the empty, which from what Cas had told him was pretty much the same thing. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about any of it and yet here he was drinking bourbon from the bottle and staring at snapshots from a better time. He let the picture stay, for now and clicked onto the next. Mary and Cas stood by the Impala in some two bit town somewhere.His breath caught in his throat- His Mom was gone, again and he didn’t even get to say goodbye, again. The pain of it hit him like a freight train square in the chest, she was just gone again. It was like that first time only worse because now he knew what he had lost. He was suddenly that kid, staring up into his Dad’s eyes and knowing from the emptiness there that Mary Winchester was gone and she was never coming back. He knew that Cas and Sam were suffering too, but there was no room for their pain in his heart right now and that made him feel even worse. Overlaying everything else with the insidious grey fog of guilt. He gripped the bottle of bourbon and took a long swig, opening his throat and letting the stuff pour down his throat. He wanted to be wasted, he wanted to forget the expression on Sam’s face and he wished he could take back what he had screamed at Cas, “You’re dead to me”. It echoed in his soul, he hadn’t meant it, well maybe for half a second of pure undiluted fury at the universe. Losing people, getting them back only to lose them all over again it wasn’t right. His vision was starting to blur, he wasn’t sure whether it was from the tears now sliding uncontrolled down his face or the alcohol hitting his blood stream. He took a breath and breathed in woodsmoke, he stunk of it. Woodsmoke with a tinge of something else from the pyre on which he had burned what was left of his Mom. It was the same smell as that night, the night they had first lost her. He felt sick, he should shower, let the hot water carry away the bad memories. He tried to stand up but the Bourbon had other ideas, he slide down the side of the bed and ended up sat on the floor. A knock on the door roused him ,“Go away” he snarled not caring who it was.“Dean, I’m staying out here until you talk to me”“Won’t work, go away”“It worked on Naomi”“I said go away Cas!” Dean threw the bottle at the door, where it failed to smash and just hit the door with a weak thump followed by the sad glug of bad bourbon spilling on the carpet. There was a grinding noise as the door-handle was forced round breaking the lock. The lights were flicked on and Cas glared at him.“That was locked for a reason”“Was,” Cas snorted and dropped the handle onto the floor. “She was my friend Dean.” Cas was shaking with rage, Dean bit back a harsh reply. He just wanted to be alone.“I know Cas”“And Jack” Cas shook his head, “We lost Jack too.” Cas wasn’t looking at him, he was staring at the floor.“I know that too” Dean gestured helplessly. “I’m just trying to process Cas.”“By locking yourself in your room and getting inebriated?”“Yes Cas that’s exactly what I’m doing” Dean managed to struggle to his feet, he waved his finger at Cas. “Because I don’t know how else to deal with this, any of it!”“Don’t push me and Sam away. I don’t know if you have noticed, but your brother is a mess, he needs you.”“I gotta fix Sam, there’s a familiar song And what about you? You need me to fix you too? What about me who fixes me! hmm?” Dean thumped his heart, his chest was so tight, he wanted to scream. He took a couple of wobbly steps forward and grabbed Cas’ shoulder. “You know the answer to that.” Cas caught him by the shoulders as his knees started to finally give way, the angels grip was like iron.“I’m sorry about before about what I said.” Dean mumbled as Cas helped him back over to his bed and deposited him on the mattress with a disgusted sigh. “I don’t want you dead.” Dean watched Cas scrubbing at his cheeks, hiding his tears.“Dean, I don’t know how to cope with this either, we lost our family. What do we do now.”“I don’t know” Dean reached out and snagged the collar of Cas’ trenchcoat and pulled him down beside him. Dean Curled himself round the familiar body, holding tight. “But you, me..and Sam we will figure it out together.”
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Peace.This was the best part of Sam’s day, when all the lights were off except the single standard lamp by his chair and a few candles on Rowena’s work bench. The doors were all locked and warded sealing him into a warm cosy cocoon of domesticity Sam had never expected to have, that he still wasn’t sure he deserved. But someone somewhere had taken pity on Sam Winchester and the universe had to conspired to give him this. He let himself relax and made himself comfortable on the rug weighing tonight’s book in his hands with a smile.There was a click as the hall way door swung open and a happy cry of “Daddy!” followed by the patter of small feet as his daughter tore across the room and landed in his lap. Rowena followed at a slightly more sedate pace, shutting the door behind them and smiling “Mary!, be careful, your Papa’s had a long day.”“I’m okay eun àlainn” He told Rowena, the pet name spilling easily off his tongue from years of use. Rowena leaned down and kissed the top of his head.“Aye I’d know if you weren’t.” She moved over to her work bench and started setting out ingredients. “So how was your brother?”“He seemed alright as far as Dean ever is.”“And Cas?”“The same, they are going to miss Jack.”Sam smiled at the memory of Jack’s college graduation, he had surprised them all: majoring in Physics of all things. Mary wriggled impatiently on his lap, small hands grabbing at the book he was still holding. Sam hugged her close resting his head on her still damp from the bath hair. Five years old, with hair as red as her mothers, Mary’s arrival had been an unexpected blessing and the event that had pulled him away from hunting forever.“Well that boy needs a life of his own, grad school will be good for him.”“What book is it tonight Papa?” His baby sounded tired already, Sam opened the book with a smile. A sacred nightly ritual; storytime.“It’s one uncle Dean used to read to me when I was small, Knights of the round table. I always wanted to be Sir Galahad.”“Well you are my dear, never was there a knight so true.” Rowena whispered softly, they shared a look before Mary tugged at his fingers.“Come on Pa.”“Okay bug, Once upon a time…”
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‘I just want to go home’ he had kept the thought buried, far away from his so-called father’s mocking voice. He wanted it not to have happened, he would give anything, anything! To undo what he had done. “I’m sorry” he whispered out loud. But it was just words and words were useless. He felt as if he was adrift in a vast ocean, alone. What good was he? Mary had loved him and he had killed her. He wasn’t even sure why he had done it, the rage and noise in his head had robbed him of reason, but Mary was still gone.He had tried so hard to make it right, that had turned out to be wrong too. Everything he touched seemed to turn to ash and dust. He let the tears flow and tried to make himself smaller, curled into himself. That was a mistake too, he was waiting for him in the dark. Lucifer with his barbed words and seeming logic. He wanted Mary, he wanted his Mom, but most of all he wanted to go home. “I just want to be safe” he whispered, Lucifer was laughing at him. He could feel him at the edges of his mind, mocking, cruel and yet seductively right. So when Dumah told him they could fix things, that if he just did as she said he could have his family back, he went with her. It had worked, hadn’t it? Sam had prayed to him and Sam had never lied to him. They wanted the same thing, they wanted things back the way they were. Sam would protect him, Dean too. Despite everything he had done he had won them back, soul or no soul they loved him, he could feel it.He felt it until the lid clanged shut and they had left him alone in the dark with Lucifer, Sam had left him alone with Lucifer. Of all the people he loved, souless or not, he would never have expected Sam to abandon him to the devil to leave him alone in the dark. It hurt, worse than anything. To be cut off from the light, from those he loved, that all his efforts to make things right were useless. He was a monster and no amount of good deeds would change that. He knew that now, but even so he wouldn’t hurt them. He had never meant to hurt Mary, what good is ‘meant’ when the deed is done? He walked through the wreckage of the malak box and looked at Dean, recognizing the hate he saw in his fathers face and deciding it was justified.“You made me a promise once.”“That I did”“Then do it”
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Dis-belief, Cas dropped to his knees. He knew Sam and Dean were there, but if they spoke he didn’t hear them because his mind was still filled with Jack’s screams as his grace was burnt from his vessel by his own grandfather. ‘my son is dead’, he told himself. His mind refused to accept it, even as he knelt in the dirt and forced himself to look at the empty eye sockets and the scorched wings.“I thought Chuck said nothing else could-” Sam stammered.“He’s a writer, writers lie.” Cas spat out the words, he felt sick. If he was human he would have thrown up. Worse was coming he could feel it breaking over the earth like a wave, but right now he could focus on nothing else, ‘my son is dead’. All these years, all the pain and the sacrifice for what? For God’s amusement? All the rules he had followed believing in a greater good and denying himself happiness because that was what God had decreed? Arbitrary, pointless designed to keep him in line and to torture him for his own fathers amusement!He looked up first at Sam, clutching his injured shoulder and staring at what was left of their child and then at Dean and his already broken heart shattered. Time stood still, Dean’s eyes were dull with the desolation of betrayal. Cas knew there was nothing he could say, knew that Dean was reading the same pain in his own eyes. As darkness covered the Earth, Cas knew that Chuck had played them. Not just Sam and Dean, but every soul, every angel that had ever existed and now he had discarded them like broken toys. The people he had loved; Mary, Kelly, Jack they were nothing to Chuck. Puppets whose strings could be cut when they no longer served the story. The cruelty of it sparked his rage, a white hot flame of utter disgust. ‘he will pay,’ the savagery of his own thought shamed him, after all old habits die hard. He took a breath banished the guilt and stood up as the earth began to shake.Screams on the edge of his hearing and the stink of sulphur announced what Chuck had done, the earth was giving up the damned. Another bad draft time to rewrite.Cas caught Dean’s eye and everything he had ever wanted to say raced through his mind, no time now the dead were rising around them. Something in Dean’s face told him he knew everything, there was regret too. Cas took a step backwards, so this was it, the end, but at least they were together.
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He didn’t want to do it, he could feel his hand shaking even as he raised the weapon. Jack just looked at him, with eyes as blue as Cas’. Dean had never wanted kids, who would visit this curse on another generation, but here they were and he began to understand his Dad a little better. Because he loved Jack, loved him like a part of himself. Killing Jack was like murdering himself and he would never get better, not ever.
“I forgive you” his son whispered, but would he ever forgive himself? Would Cas? Would Sam?
And Chuck, what did he want. Dean let his eyes flick towards God. The writer of fate didn’t look worried or upset, he looked eager and hungry.
God was playing them, for entertainment, for kicks. It hit Dean like a freight train , their pain meant nothing it was just a momentary rush for Chuck, he didn’t truly care about any of them. Without them he would just start again somewhere else, a clean page, just another story.
“No” he said softly and gently eased the trigger back and threw the gun aside.
“Pick it up... pull the trigger... and I'll bring her back.” Chuck sounded sincere, but Dean knew better, it was all just a ruse. Their whole lives a story for the entertainment of a degenerate god.
“No” for a second he saw his mom, he knew what she would say if he let Jack die. He took a breath, realising he had been idolising the wrong parent his whole life. “ my mom was my hero, And I miss her, and I will miss her every second of my life, but she would not want this.” no, no more sacrifice. No more Abrahams and Isaacs, their only duty was to them selves. “And it's not like you even really care. “Cause Sam's right. The Apocalypse, the first go-around, with Lucifer and Michael -- you knew everything that was going on, so why the games, Chuck, huh? Why don't You just snap your fingers and end it?! Look, I : And every other bad thing we've been killing, been dying over where were you? ” Chuck didn’t even look at him, Dean felt his heart sink, Chuck did not give a fuck. He tried a last ditch attempt to understand. “ When does it end? Tell me!Just sitting back and watching us suffer so we can do this over and over and over again fighting, losing people we love?” Chuck actually shrugged, he dismissed a lifetime of hell with nothing more than a wan smile.
“Dean don’t do this” it was a half hearted plea, Chuck didn’t even mean it.
“We are done talking” Dean turned away wanting to gather his family and get them safely away.“cause this isn’t just a story it’s our lives” Chuck was just staring at him in disbelief. Dean took a deep breath, “So God or not you go to hell” he held out his hand to Jack.
“Have it your way” Chuck snapped his fingers and grinned. “shows over” and Jack died. Dean felt it, an act of revenge beyond the writers redraft, god was scared of his son, terrified beyond anything else the universe contained. His son and Cas’ and Sam’s their boy, murdered by his own grand father.
Then the earth split apart and the end he had seen in his nightmares was upon them. He grabbed one last look at Cas and Sam before he pulled a make shift iron stake from a railing. No time to mourn, just time to die.
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The disturbance was gone again, hopefully this time for good. But the echoes remained and more than one dreamer shuddered in their sleep. It examined its domain critically, wandering if it was safe to sleep again. Being woken more than once an eternity was not desirable, if time had existed here then the entity known as ‘The Empty’ would not be known as a morning person. There had always been troubled sleepers desperately trying to claw their way back to sentience, though none had ever succeeded before. The angel’s emotional stink was slowly dissipating back into nothingness and yet The Empty was troubled. Another little light flailed back into existence, broadcasting alarm and confusion and then another and another. The Empty growled at them to go back to sleep, regretting it’s decision to take these lost children of an absent god into itself. They ignored him as they recognised each other, called out joyfully reaching for a brother or a sister. A growing crowd more wakening as the non-air quivered with memories. It approached scowling still wearing the form of the Angel who caused all this disruption. “GO BACK TO SLEEP,” It roared. The crowd fell silent and as one concentrated their gaze on It. Three forms pushed to the front, a delicate red haired woman and another with black hair and blue eyes. The third a male with dirty blonde hair and an amused expression stepped forward, head tilted on one side.“That’s not happening buddy.”“I said go back to sleep.”“Afraid not bucko, our little brother woke us up.” The angel stepped closer. “Now you are going to send us back.”“Or what?” It snorted, the angel laughed softly.“Well you thought Castiel was annoying? He ain’t got nothing on me.”“And who are you?”“They call me Gabriel”