Work Text
Dear Lily,
Lily, please forgive me
Lily,
I know you said to leave you alone and I will if that’s what you still want. I just need to tell you again how sorry I am - I still don’t know why I said it. You know I don’t think like that, you’re the most brilliant witch I know.
The truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to go to Hogwarts next year and not have you as my best friend. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I swear I’ll do anything to make it up to you.
Always your friend,
Sev
Snape sent Lily the letter the first day of summer holidays. It returned an hour later, unopened. He didn’t bother sending another one. ***It was a lonely summer. Snape didn’t dare venture outdoors lest he run into Lily and she think he was stalking her. He holed up in his dingy bedroom, reading and rereading his spellbooks or coming up with new incantations. He cast a silencing charm to muffle the yells of his parents - he knew neither one of them cared about him breaching the laws of under-age magic enough to bother reporting him. Except for grim, silent meals together, he rarely saw them.When he ran out of ways to occupy himself, he would just lay on his bed and stare up at the grey ceiling. And he would force himself not to think of anything. He turned his mind away from any painful memory that drifted across his consciousness. Happy memories were harder to force out. It was easier to linger over memories of moments with Lily - studying in the library together, content in companionable silence; Lily purposely messing up her potion in class, only to laugh as he worked feverishly to correct it, unable to keep from grinning at her; summer holidays spent in the park lounging on the grass. Lily’s laugh, Lily’s smile, Lily’s eyes…Thoughts of her flooded his mind to the point where he thought his brain would crack open and overflow, spilling the memories out onto the floor. He wished desperately for a pensieve but they were rare, not to mention expensive.So instead he trained himself. Whenever a thought of Lily passed through his mind, he would envision a blanket of rolling black fog, engulfing the memory, obscuring it until his head was full of nothing but roiling grey smoke. With this technique, Snape felt a kind of numbness where the pain used to be. And he welcomed it. ***All too soon, the start of the new term rolled around and a sliver of panic penetrated the fog in Snape’s mind. Going back to Hogwarts, there was no way to avoid seeing Lily again - they’d probably have at least a couple of classes together.Then a spark of hope ignited inside him - maybe she had decided to forgive him! Perhaps she’d run up to him on the train platform and tell him how much she had missed him and that of course she wanted to be friends again. And then he could tell her how he had missed her too and how sorry he was about what had happened. And she’d wave the apology away saying, ‘Don’t worry about it, Sev.’ And she would smile at him.Because, Snape thought to himself, it wasn’t that bad what he had done, was it? Potter and his gang had been tormenting him at the time, he hadn’t known what he was saying, it had just slipped out, he was only trying to save face. Surely, she’d understand?There were moments when Snape was sure he had merely dreamed the whole incident and he was just trapped in a nightmare where he and Lily weren’t friends anymore. He just needed to wake up and everything would be back to normal. *** September 1st arrived and Snape found himself standing alone on Platform 9 3/4, craning his neck, trying to spot a flash of red hair among the crush of students. He felt a sharp impact on his shoulder and turned to see Potter and his gang roughly pushing past him.‘All right there, Snivellus?’ Potter called over his shoulder.Black snickered. ‘He gets uglier every year, the git!’Guffawing, they shouldered their way through the crowd, kicking students’ trunks out of their path.Fuming, Snape gripped his wand, longing to point it at Potter’s back and curse him and his slimy cohorts until they were nothing but pus, oozing onto the train tracks.But he took a breath and stopped himself, deciding Potter wasn’t worth the energy it would take to cast the spell.Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of fiery red hair down on the other end of the platform - he turned just in time to see Lily disappear onto the train.On instinct, he took two steps forward to follow but then stopped. He doubted she had missed him standing alone on the platform. If she wanted to come and talk to him, she would have.His shoulders slumping in defeat, he shuffled onto the train, bumping along until he found a compartment that held Mulciber and Avery, a couple of his fellow Slytherins. They gave him sharp nods of greeting which Snape returned. He flung himself into the corner of the compartment, took out his copy of Advanced Potion-Making out of his trunk and began to flip through it, looking back through some of his notes.‘Hear the news of the Dark Lord, Snape?’ Mulciber asked him.‘Wouldn’t have, would I?’ he said derisively. ‘We don’t exactly get the Prophet in the filthy muggle hovel I live in.’‘Rumour is he’s gaining more followers. Scores of muggle-killings over the summer, there was. Picking them off like flies, in’t he?’ He laughed cruelly. ‘It’ll be mudbloods next, mark my words. Soon there won’t be any of them left at Hogwarts.’Snape found he was suddenly gripping his book very hard. An image of Lily flashed through his mind but he forced himself to take a deep breath and let the obliterating fog cloud his mind.‘It’ll be brilliant once he takes over, won’t it, Snape?’ Mulciber said fervently.‘Yeah,’ Snape replied dully. ‘Brilliant.’ *** His first real glimpse of Lily came during the sorting ceremony. He was seated beside Mulciber but careful to keep himself a few inches away. He sat hunched over the table, laying his head on his arms, staring moodily at the Gryffindor table. Lily was sitting so she faced towards the Slytherin table but, due to the crush of people, he could only glimpse a small corner of her forehead and her red hair, shining in the candlelight. He berated himself for staring but he couldn’t make himself look away.Then it happened. Halfway through the sorting, the person sitting in front of Lily shifted and Snape was able to see her face. It was as if he had been hit by several Stunning spells. He had almost forgotten how beautiful she was. He lifted his head up off his arms to see her better, suppressing the urge to wave to get her attention. And yet, as if she could feel his stare, she turned toward him and looked straight into his eyes. In a moment that lasted an eternity, they merely looked at each other. Then Snape saw her jaw clench and she looked away, her shoulders stiff, her posture rigid. He sank his head back onto his arms and, for the rest of the night, stared down at the table or up at the star-flecked ceiling - anywhere but at the Gryffindor table. ***Over the next few days, Snape found it surprisingly easy to keep his distance from Lily at school. Back when they were friends, they had to find neutral places to hang out - taking their lunch outside to the grounds instead of sitting in the hall, studying in the library, working in class together. But being in different houses, a slight hindrance to their friendship before, was an advantage now. It was easy to attach himself to a group of Slytherin sixth-years, trailing along on the group’s periphery, not quite a part of it. The rest of them didn’t seem to mind as long as Snape provided them help with their homework.Snape could only tolerate their buffoonery for so long though, and spent most of his time alone - inventing spells or practicing eliminating all thoughts from his mind, letting the black fog blot out every feeling, every memory. He was getting quite good at it.The only snag was potions class which was the only lesson he and Lily still had together. The first week back, Friday morning saw him down in the dungeon with the rest of the NEWT students, which consisted of himself, Avery, a couple of pompous Hufflepuffs, a handful of Ravenclaws, Lily and one other Gryffindor girl. Snape could at least be thankful that Potter and his gang weren’t nearly clever enough to handle NEWT-level potions.He glanced at Lily, sitting across the room, her hands folded in front of her, staring determinedly at the blackboard as if it was the most fascinating thing in the room. As if she could feel his gaze, she started to turn towards him but Snape quickly looked away, staring down at his desk, rubbing his thumb against a scratch in the wood.Slughorn finally waddled in. ‘Good morning,’ he cried jovially, waving his hands, his bristly walrus mustache twitching above his wide grin. He beamed around at them all. ‘I think I’ve got a fine batch of NEWT students this year. Evans, I know you’ll be up to scratch.’ He winked at her.Out of the corner of his eye, Snape could see Lily’s blush from across the room. He couldn’t help but smile a little at the memory of Lily, taking a piece of her long red hair and drawing it across her upper lip, making herself a crude mustache and doing a horrible impression of Slughorn’s pompous manner one time while they were eating lunch. Snape had laughed so hard, pumpkin juice had spurted out of his nose, causing Lily to collapse in a fit of hysterics.He grinned and then noticed Avery giving him a quizzical look. Snape realized he must look like a lunatic, grinning for no reason. His smile vanished as he let the fog consume the memory, covering up the image of Lily rolling on the ground, shrieking with laughter.Slughorn, who had been nattering on about the kinds of potions they could expect to make this term was at last getting to what they would be doing in today’s lesson. He pulled a small bottle from his vest pocket and held it up to the light. Inside, a golden liquid shimmered and sparkled. ‘Now,’ said Slughorn, 'anyone care to have a guess at what this is?’Lily’s hand rose into the air.‘Yes, Evans,’ he said, smiling at her.‘I believe it’s, um, Felix Felicis, sir. Liquid luck?’Slughorn beamed at her. ‘Excellent, Evans. Take ten points to Gryffindor.’Snape wondered if Lily was thinking of the time they had come across Felix Felicis in one of the library books and had a lively discussion about what they would do with it if they got their hands on some.‘Well, since it’s Christmas,’ Lily had said, looking around at the decorations, ‘I suppose I’d drink some and wait around under the mistletoe.’ She winked at him, grinning mischievously.Snape had sputtered and stammered about drinking some and going to Flourish and Blotts where, due to the luck potion, it would be Free Book Day (which wasn’t even a thing) and he could help himself to all the books that were on his ‘To Read’ list. He had felt extremely foolish but Lily had just giggled and turned the page of the book they were looking at, her cheeks rosier than usual.‘Yes, liquid luck,’ Slughorn was saying now, bringing Snape out of his reverie. ‘This little bottle contains a full twenty-four hours worth, which will make for a very enjoyable day for the winner. Whoever manages to brew me the best Draught of Living Death will win Felix. Open your books to page 37 where you’ll find the recipe. Now, off you go!’There was a great clattering and rustling as the class set about opening their books and setting up their brass scales. For the first time in a long time, Snape felt elated. He had already experimented with the Draught of Living Death and had improved upon the original recipe. A small smirk crept onto his face as he flipped to the page in his potions book with the annotated recipe. Felix Felicis was as good as his.As he worked, he imagined himself taking the potion. The very first thing he would do would be to find Lily who, thanks to the potion, would be by herself in a quiet corner of the library. The potion would reveal exactly the right words to say to get Lily to forgive him. And then she would hug him and he would feel her in his arms. And, still holding her, she would turn her face up to his and whisper against his lips how much she had missed him…Snape felt his face burn and he immediately forced himself back to the dungeon. He was allowing himself to get distracted and if he didn’t focus, he wouldn’t win that luck potion. He let the fog in his mind obliterate his fantasy and got back to work.Almost an hour later, Snape felt his elation grow as he stirred his near-complete potion. It was perfect. He was going to win. He cast a surreptitious glance around at the others. Everyone else had been following the instructions in the book with mixed results. One of the Hufflepuffs was stirring his potion feverishly, sweat from his forehead dripping into his cauldron while the other was consulting the recipe, her brow furrowed in confusion. The Ravenclaws seemed to have produced passable potions but not nearly the same quality as his. Beside him, Avery had given up half-way through and was now idly carving slurs on the wooden desk with his knife.Snape looked at Lily. She had bundled her fiery hair into a clip but a few tendrils had escaped and were drifting around her face as she worked on the potion. She was at the point where she was doing the counter-clockwise stirs.Add a clockwise stir, he wanted to yell at her - and then it hit him. This was the first potions class where he hadn’t helped her. She didn’t really need his help, of course. Lily was brilliant and she had always aced him in Charms and Transfiguration. But Potions was his domain and he had never hesitated to lend her a hand - sometimes at the expense of neglecting his own potions. He remembered just last year when they were assigned the Draught of Peace - he had been helping her get the fire to exactly the right temperature and had only managed to dash back to his own cauldron in the nick of time, saving his potion from exploding all over the dungeon.As a result, Slughorn believed Lily to be his top student because when Lily had tried to get him to take credit for helping her, he always shrugged and told her he didn’t care. And it was true. He didn’t need praise from some pompous blowhard like Slughorn to know he was a talented potioneer. He had just always enjoyed helping his friend out.Now he watched helplessly as his former best friend struggled with making her potion. Lily was stirring her cauldron, biting her lip, looking a bit worried. And Snape remembered something else about her - it was an insecurity she had only expressed to him a few times during their friendship. Being muggleborn, Lily had always worried about not being as magically talented as pure-blooded students, no matter how many times Snape told her it didn’t matter. As a result, she was a bit of an over-achiever and hated disappointing her teachers.And here she was, one of Slughorn’s favorites, about to let him down. He could see it in her face. He no longer felt elated.Lily added the final ingredient and then went to wash her hands. As soon as her back was turned, Snape hurried across the dungeon to inspect Lily’s potion. It wasn’t bad - it was exactly the result you would get if you simply followed the recipe in the book. But there was no way she would win. And Snape could just imagine Slughorn standing over his top student’s potion, looking a bit puzzled. Then he would give her a condescending smile and tell her that everyone had off days. And Lily would look down at her potion, humiliated and ashamed.Without even thinking, Snape drew out his wand and performed a complex switching spell. Now Snape’s potion was in Lily’s cauldron, and her potion in his. He hurried back over to his cauldron just as Slughorn clapped his hands. ‘Time’s up!’ he cried. He went around inspecting the potions, offering words of constructive criticism to most people. He got to Snape’s, ladling up the potion and letting it splash down into the cauldron. ‘Hmmm, very nice. Well done, Snape.’Snape gave him a sullen nod and watched as he finally made his way over to Lily’s cauldron. Snape had a feeling he was saving her for last.‘And what have we hear, Evans?’ he said eagerly. She looked up at him, a somewhat uncertain smile on her face. Slughorn inspected the potion and chortled, beaming at her. ‘Why of course, it is perfect! Evans, your innate potions talent never ceases to amaze me.’Lily blinked up at him. ‘Er…thank you, Sir,’ she said.‘Well, we have a clear winner,’ he announced to the class. He turned to Lily and handed her the small bottle of Felix Felicis. ‘Use it well,’ he said, smiling at her. Lily thanked him politely.Snape packed up his things and swiftly left the dungeon, not once glancing at Lily.So he was unaware of the look of suspicion she shot him as her gaze followed him out of the dungeon. ***And so it went for the next few months. Snape continued to avoid Lily but every potions class, he switched his concoction with hers and listened indifferently as Slughorn continued to praise her as the most talented student he had ever taught. Lily did not seem pleased by this, however. The more Slughorn praised her, the more morose and sullen she seemed to become.Snape couldn’t see what her problem was. She was still top of the class, firmly ensconced as one of the chosen few in Slughorn’s stupid Slug Club (Snape, of course, had never received an invitation.)He did all the work while she got all the glory - same as it had always been except for the fact that they weren’t talking to each other. Which was the way she wanted it so what did she have to complain about?The answer to that came in mid-December while Snape was studying Moste Potente Potions in the library. It was a book he had been wanting to get his hands on since his first year but, due to the dangerous potions it contained, could only be obtained by NEWT students who also had a signed note from a teacher. He had finally wrangled permission from Slughorn and was just reading up on the Polyjuice Potion when the other Gryffindor girl from his Potions class flounced up to him and stood there, hovering over him.Snape pointedly ignored her, staring at the illustrations of people in mid-transformation, their faces drawn in expressions of agony.‘Ahem,’ the girl said, clearing her throat.‘What?’ Snape snapped, still not looking at her.‘Got a message for you,’ she said. ‘From Lily Evans.’Snape looked up at her finally, his heart doing a weird sort of somersault in his chest. Had Lily sent a messenger to tell him to meet her somewhere? Somewhere private?‘What is it?’ he asked.The girl glared down at him. ‘She says she wants you to stop interfering with her work in Potions class.’‘Interfering?’ Snape spluttered. He shot to his feet. ‘I’m not interfering, I’m trying to help her!’‘Well, whatever it is you’re doing, she wants you to stop,’ the girl said dismissively.‘Fine!’ Snape said, his voice rising. ‘You can tell Evans she’s on her own now. Let’s see how long she remains Slughorn’s precious potions genius without my interference.’‘You tell her,’ the girl said and then she turned and stalked away.Snape sat back down, silently fuming. Months of helping her maintain her potions mark and this was the thanks he got? A telling off from some Gryffindor go-between?He flipped savagely through Moste Potente Potions, not even taking in what was on the pages. Well, if she wanted to crash and burn in Potions class, he wouldn’t stand in her way, he thought bitterly. He wished they were speaking to each other just so he could march up to her and tell her precisely how stubborn she was being.Then he sighed and slumped over the table, resting his head on the open pages of the book. The truth was, if they were speaking to each other, he wouldn’t waste words insulting her. He would tell her how much he had missed her, how sorry he was for being such a thick-headed jerk.But she didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want his help. She had made it perfectly clear she wanted nothing to do with him.Snape squeezed his eyes shut. Was this really what it was going to be like for the next two years of school? Walking around with this constant ache inside, not being able to talk to the one person in the world he truly cared about? Watching her from afar, all alone with nothing but his memories?He sighed again and lifted his head off of the book. He stared blankly down at it, now open to a potion called Amortentia. A love potion. Snape blinked and read the page.
The world’s moste powerful love potion. One dose brings about feelings of such strong attachment and love in the Drinker for the Maker, that one cannot possibly differentiate between the effects of the potion and true, all-consuming, all-powerful love.
Snape’s heart started pounding. Was this the answer? He ran a finger down the list of ingredients. Ashwinder eggs…rose thorns…pearl dust…Well, rose thorns were easy enough but ashwinder eggs? Pearl dust? Not impossible but not common either and they were tricky ingredients to work with. He supposed he could steal some from Slughorn’s personal stores. He scanned the potion again, doing some quick calculations in his head. Probably a month to acquire all the ingredients and prepare them properly. According to the recipe, it would take one full moon cycle to fully mature, so another month to actually brew the potion. So it would be ready around…Valentine’s Day.Goosebumps erupted on Snape’s arms. It could not be more perfect. He had never liked the silly, sentimental holiday but Lily always got a ton of sweets from admirers and friends. And although Snape always outwardly scoffed at Valentine’s Day, he always made sure to slip her a chocolate frog that day, which was her favourite sweet.Snape snatched up the book and hurried out of the library, excitement flooding through him. If he gave Lily some love potion, she’d want to talk to him and they’d be friends again! Snape cursed himself for not thinking of it sooner. Sure, the effects of the potion would wear off after awhile but by then the damage would be mended, all would be forgiven, and Lily would want to be his friend again anyway…right?A worm of doubt wriggled into his mind but the familiar, obscuring fog consumed it. Now was not the time for wallowing over doubts and worries. Now was the time for planning and doing. Now was the time to take action. ***Snape spent the next month in a frenzy, scouring the grounds of Hogwarts for some ingredients, sending in mail orders to the Apothecary in Diagon Alley for others, gathering them all together and preparing them for the potion.With a grimace, he ingratiated himself to Slughorn after Potions class one day, offering to relabel the jars in his office so he could pinch some of the ashwinder eggs and pearl dust that he needed. Slughorn, being a gullible old fool, left Snape alone to do it, making his task a lot easier.Finally, by mid-January he had collected all of the ingredients. Now he just had to find a private spot to brew the potion. Luckily, he knew of the perfect place.There was a small room in the dungeons, hardly bigger than a broom closet where old cauldrons and other things were kept in storage. It was a place no one would bother to go, a place he knew few students knew about.Snape only knew of it because, in his second year, Potter and Black had locked him in there as a joke and it had taken over an hour for Lily to find him.It had been horrible sitting there in the cold and dark, shivering, brushing spiders away from his face, his teeth chattering. Then he had heard the creak of the door opening and he blinked at the dim light flooding into the room - and there was Lily, smiling at him and looking relieved. ‘There you are, Sev,’ she had said. Then she reached out her hand and he reached out his and she pulled him to his feet and out of that dark, cold place.Snape smiled at the memory as he cleared a space in the room, setting up one of the cauldrons in a corner, arranging another stack of cauldrons around it to keep it hidden. The potion gave him hope. Soon, he and Lily would be friends again. Soon, he’d see her smile at him again. ***The love potion consumed him. When he wasn’t busy brewing it, watching it’s scarlet surface bubble and roil, he was busy thinking about the potion, calculating the dose he would have to put in the candy, imagining again and again the exact moment when Lily would run up to him, her arms outstretched, her face lit up with joy at the sight of him.It was the first time in his Hogwarts career that Snape slacked off his studies. He now did the bare minimum on his assignments, just enough to keep a respectable grade but he no longer handed in five foot long essays when the professors only asked for three.The classes barely held his attention anyway. He was focused on counting down the minutes until he could sneak back to the dungeons to check on the potion. He did his work mechanically and isolated himself even further. He barely registered in Potions class that Slughorn was no longer lavishing praise on Lily because Snape no longer switched potions with her. When he felt a tug of guilt, he ignored it. She doesn’t want my help anymore, he thought. Well…not yet anyway. Post-love potion, he imagined there would be some very cozy potions classes indeed, the both of them huddled together over a shared cauldron. He allowed himself a smirk and went back to making notes in his textbook.Thankfully, this year Valentine’s Day fell on a Tuesday, which meant there was a Hogsmeade trip the weekend right before and Snape planned to go to Honeydukes to find a sweet to slip the potion in.The Saturday of the Hogsmeade trip dawned bright and cold. Snape donned his cloak and joined the crowd milling around the Great Hall as Filch checked their names on a grimy clipboard.Snape eyed the crowd a bit uneasily. There seemed to be a lot of couples heading into Hogsmeade today. He spotted Lily across the hall with a group of Gryffindor girls and quickly looked away, hunching his shoulders.Finally, he managed to get out of the castle and walked down the sloping lawn out of the grounds towards Hogsmeade. He entered the village alone, realizing that this was his first Hogsmeade outing without Lily.He allowed himself to reminisce over a comforting memory for a second - butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks during the winter, watching a blizzard howl outside while they played wizarding chess in the warm pub. Lily liked to win by talking to Snape’s chessmen, trying to turn them against him and get them onto her side. And it usually worked, too. She was just so damn charming.He let himself into Honeydukes, the cheery bell above the door bringing another wave of memories. The very first Hogsmeade weekend, Lily had spent three-quarters of an hour in Honeydukes, looking around wide-eyed, a happy smile stretching her face. She had wondered aloud what sweets to send back to her family while Snape trailed after her. In the end, she had emerged from the shop with two bulging shopping bags - one to send home to her family, one to share between the two of them. They had gorged themselves sick on all kinds of sweets and, after both of them had ended up with severe stomachaches, neither of them set foot into the sweet shop until the following year.The brightly-lit shop was already crowded with Hogwarts students, mostly third-years, although there was a small knot of fifth and sixth year girls swarming around the Valentine’s sweet display.‘Do you think Declan will buy me some of these chocolate roses if I just tell him?’ Snape heard one of them saying as he walked past. ‘I mean, I’ve been dropping hints for a month now but he is a bit daft…’Snape made his way past the display and over to the wall of sweets, scanning the colourful shelves. The most obvious thing for him to buy for Lily would be a package of chocolate frogs but that was the thing - it was too obvious. She would know it was from him and she’d probably toss the parcel without even opening it. It had to be something more generic.Fizzing whizzbees? (no, might interfere with the potion.) Acid pops? (definitely not.) Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans? (no, she had never liked those.) His eyes fell on a package of cauldron cakes. Hmmm…Definitely a possibility. Lily liked cauldron cakes but they weren’t her favourite - meaning she would most likely eat them but she wouldn’t suspect they were from him.And then Snape wondered if he should go in another direction completely and just get her a generic box of Valentine’s sweets so she would think it was from an acquaintance, an admirer who didn’t know her very well. Or should he get her some muggle sweets and she might think they were from her parents?Snape deliberated for another ten minutes, students jostling past him as he stood in front of the shelves, frowning. Finally, berating himself for taking so long, he grabbed the packet of cauldron cakes and went up to the counter to pay.While the cashier was ringing him up, a movement behind the counter caught his eye. A jar of jelly slugs seemed to slide off the counter all on its own, floated in the air for a second - and then disappeared.Snape blinked and it only took him half a second for the realization to hit him. Potter was behind the counter in his invisibility cloak, probably accompanied by Black, stealing sweets.Fucking juveniles, Snape thought angrily. Here was Potter, a rich kid who had access to heaps of Galleons, stealing sweets for the fun of it.The cashier had finished ringing him through and handed him a Honeydukes shopping bag with a smile. Snape nodded mutely at her and then made his way towards the door, stopping by the Valentine’s display again. Pretending to examine an enormous heart-shaped box, he stealthily drew his wand and carefully took aim at the spot he suspected Potter was.Levicorpus, he cast silently.There was a great crashing sound, a yell - and there was Potter, divested of his invisibility cloak, dangling in mid-air by one ankle. Black emerged from the cloak as well, tugging at Potter’s arms, trying to drag him back down. The cashier was shrieking in alarm, and then the shopkeeper burst from the basement of the shop, saw what was going on and started bellowing like a bull. Students were screaming in confusion, trampling on each other’s feet, knocking over sweet displays, sending cascades of rainbow-coloured candy spilling onto the floor of the shop.Amid the chaos, Snape made his way calmly to the door, casting the counter-curse behind his back, smirking as he heard Potter yell in pain as he crashed back down to the ground.Snape exited the shop and immediately started to make his way back to the safety of the castle, his steps hurried. Surely, Black and Potter would be punished this time, he thought. They couldn’t possibly get away with it…He supposed what happened next was inevitable. He heard running footsteps behind him and whipped around, drawing his wand out, ready to cast the first hex that sprang to his mind - but it was too late.Potter had already cast his spell before Snape had even turned around and it hit him square in the face. He staggered and fell back, blood gushing from his nose, feeling as if an invisible fist had just punched him in the face. He held a hand to his nose, trying to stop the blood from dribbling onto his robes.Potter and Black loomed over him, both of them breathing hard. Potter’s face was flushed and sweaty and his eyes were glittering. ‘Can’t keep your big nose out of other people’s business, can you, Snivellus?’Black laughed. Potter’s eyes fell on Snape’s bag from Honeydukes. ‘Well, I think since you’ve deprived us of our sweets, we should help ourselves to some of yours, right, Sirius?’Black pointed at the bag with his wand. ‘Accio shopping bag!’It flew into his hand. Snape tried to stand up but Potter pushed him back down.‘It’s just a packet of cauldron cakes,’ Black said in a disappointed voice, handing it to Potter. ‘Aw, Snivellus, did you buy a Valentine’s Day treat for yourself?’ Potter asked, putting on a high, mocking voice. ‘Isn’t that cute…’‘Well, it’s not like he’ll get them from anybody else,’ Black sniggered. ‘He’d have to force-feed them love potion and even then, I don’t think it would work.’With a snarl, Snape launched himself at Potter, scrabbling for the bag, trying to wrench it from his grip. This seemed to catch Potter by surprise and he nearly let go of the packet.‘Get out of it!’ he spat in Snape’s face, tugging the bag back. They struggled fiercely for a few seconds. Black, seemingly caught off guard, stood there staring dumbly at them, watching as they fought for the bag.With a final tug, Snape managed to wrench it from Potter - or thought he did. There was a tearing sound and Snape watched in horror as the little cakes tumbled to the ground and lay in the mud and dirt.‘Aw, Snivvy, look what you did,’ Potter said, tossing the bag down. ‘Now me and Sirius can’t eat them. But here, you can.’ He stomped on the cakes, squelching them into the mud. ‘There, just the way you like them.’Laughing, Potter and Black pushed past him and when Snape turned around, they had disappeared underneath the invisibility cloak once again, the sounds of their laughter still audible.Snape stared dejectedly down at the smashed cakes lying on the ground. He was out of money - between the extra apothecary ingredients he had had to buy for the love potion and the sweets, he had spent nearly all of his meager savings. And there was no fixing the cakes. Who knew how they would effect the potion now, with the mud and the dirt mixed in?Hot anger boiled inside him and he stomped back to the castle, fists clenched, mind seething. Valentine’s Day couldn’t come soon enough as far as he was concerned. Soon Lily would be his friend again (or maybe even more, his mind purred) and as an added bonus Potter, who had always lusted after Lily like a hippogriff in heat, would see it.In his mind, he conjured up a vivid scene of him and Lily walking around the castle, hand in hand, while Potter gaped at them, openmouthed.He felt in his pocket for the single chocolate frog he had bought on a whim. He had planned to give it to Lily after she had drank the love potion, for he wanted to keep the Valentine’s Day tradition alive. Now he would have to use it for the love potion, which was risky. What if she knew it was from him and didn’t eat it? Worse, what if she knew it was from him and, instead of throwing it away, gave it to one of her friends? Then he’d have some lovesick Gryffindor girl to deal with and he hadn’t worked on the antidote yet.He gnawed at his lip as he walked through the empty castle halls, debating. He could try disguising it as something else, maybe? Transfigure it? But that might affect the potion…He trudged down to the dungeon to go check on the Amortentia. He would just have to risk it. God knows, he was desperate enough at this point. ***The day before Valentine’s Day finally dawned and Snape walked around in a weird, nervous state all day, feeling a vague tremor in his hands. He barely remembered what the professors said in any of his classes and his stomach was so upset, he skipped lunch and dinner.In the evening, he slipped out of the Slytherin common room and darted down to the storage room in the dungeon. He checked carefully around him for any teachers or prefects, then opened the door and slipped inside.It only took a few minutes for him to add the finishing touches. He sprinkled some pearl dust on top of the simmering potion and it was done. Snape heaved a sigh of relief as it took on a pearly sheen, glowing a soft, warm pink. Snape inhaled the fumes and smelled cinnamon and moss and something vaguely floral he couldn’t identify. He carefully filled a glass phial with the potion, making sure to take the exact right amount. Now all he needed to do was dose the chocolate frog.‘There you are, Sev!’Snape whipped around, nearly dropping the phial in surprise. Mulciber and Avery were standing at the threshold, grinning at him. Snape had been so distracted by the potion he hadn’t heard the door. He silently cursed himself for not setting some sort of security charm. He usually did but in his haste to complete the potion, it had completely slipped his mind.Mulciber eyed the bubbling cauldron. ‘Wotcha got there, Snape? It smells good.’ He squeezed into the tiny room, followed by Avery.‘It’s nothing,’ Snape said quickly. ‘Just experimenting.’‘I know what this is,’ Avery said, a note of excitement in his voice. ‘This is that love potion Slughorn mentioned.’ There was a sinister twist to his smile as he looked at Snape. ‘Who you planning to give it to?’‘Nobody,’ Snape said, trying to keep the rising panic out of his voice. ‘Like I said, it’s just an experiment. It might not even work.’Mulciber snorted. ‘Yeah right. When have you ever made a potion that didn’t work?’‘Amortentia is tricky,’ Snape said. ‘I don’t think this one turned out quite right.’But they weren’t listening to him.‘Think you could give us some, Snape?’ Avery asked, his eyes glittering. ‘With one dose of this to the girl of our choice, we could have a very enjoyable Valentine’s Day indeed.’‘I’d give it to that snooty Ravenclaw bitch,’ Mulciber said, a bitter smile on his face. ‘The one who always turns her nose up at us.’Avery sniggered. ‘One drop of this and she’d be on her knees, begging for a taste, wouldn’t she?’‘What if we gave it to multiple girls?’ Mulciber said excitedly, his face taking on a ghoulish glow in the potion’s dim light. ‘There’s a whole cauldronful and we could…’Snape listened in horror as Mulciber and Avery continued to discuss who they could give the potion to and what they would proceed to do to the victim once she was under the influence of Amortentia. Was this what he had done? But he had only wanted to use it so he and Lily could be friends again….But it wouldn’t be her choice,’ a small voice said in his mind. ‘You’d be forcing her to be friends with you again. Doesn’t that make you just as bad as these slimeballs?’Snape snapped back to reality just as he heard Avery say, ‘Got an extra phial on you, Snape?’Snape shook his head. They started to look around the cramped storage room. ‘There must be one around here somewhere,’ Mulciber said.As they turned away, Snape pulled out his wand and pointed it at the cauldron. Evanesco, he cast silently. There was a small bloop and the potion vanished. ‘Oops,’ Snape said.Mulciber and Avery turned around, then stared at the empty cauldron, indignant disbelief on their faces. ‘Hey, where’d it go!’ Avery demanded.Snape shrugged carelessly. ‘It happens sometimes with experiments,’ he said. ‘I thought I could omit the ashwinder eggs, they’re bloody hard to find and I didn’t think they were essential. But omitting ingredients makes a potion temperamental.’ He faked a sigh. ‘Two months of work, wasted. Oh well, guess I’ll move on to something else.’He walked towards the door. ‘Sorry to ruin your Valentine’s Day plans,’ he called over his shoulder and it was all he could do to stop himself from sending a curse over his shoulder and bringing the ceiling crashing down on their ugly heads. ***Snape didn’t return to the Slytherin common room. Right now the dungeons seemed too constricting, his lungs didn’t seem to be large enough to gulp any air. He walked swiftly along the dark stone passage and up the stairs and soon he was running across the entrance hall and heaving open the oak front doors and even though it was well past curfew, he darted through them and out into the dark grounds.He was running, slipping and sliding along the damp grass, the cold air like a sharp knife on his face. He stopped beside the edge of the lake and looked over the black water, where a bright spot shimmered, reflecting the moon above. A half-moon thankfully, not a full one.He put his hand in the pocket of his robes and drew out the small phial containing the last remnants of the love potion he had spent so many hours and nearly all of his money on. He squeezed it tight in his fist, feeling the cool glass against his palm. It was the only way to get Lily back, he told himself. He wasn’t like Mulciber or Avery, he wouldn’t use it like that…But his images of a happy reunion with Lily were marred by grotesque nightmares of Lily being dosed by someone else, someone who only wanted to get his prick wet, taking advantage of her love-struck state to take off her clothes and touch her, violate her.Bile rose in his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to black out the revolting images, trying to get the reliable obliterating fog to cover them up but this time, it would not heed him. If anything, the images in his mind became clearer, sharper, more focused - Lily being kissed, Lily being groped and she was allowing it, liking it because she wouldn’t know the difference if Snape gave it to her - or if someone else did.With a howl of anguish and fury Snape flung the phial of love potion into the lake. It landed with a faint ‘plink’ and sank beneath the surface.Snape howled again, gripping his hair in both fists, wrenching at it, as if trying to rip the images from his head. He staggered and fell to his knees, then flopped onto his back, taking in several lungfuls of cold, clear air. He felt a bit calmer and gazed up at the moon. The moon… They had sat here, on this very spot beside the lake two years ago, near the end of final term. Lily had been idly flipping through her herbology textbook while Snape read over her potions essay, checking for errors. There usually weren’t any but she still liked him to look it over and, of course, he was happy to do it.He had just been reading through her conclusion when she let out an audible gasp and Snape looked over at her, startled.‘What?’ he asked.She thrust the book under his nose. ‘Look at these!’ she exclaimed.The book was open to a page on moonglow flowers, a magical plant that Snape knew was quite rare. He raised an eyebrow at her. ‘What about them?’‘They’re so pretty!’ she said and her enthusiasm was so infectious that Snape couldn’t help but smile.‘I think they might be my new favourite flower,’ she said, looking down at the book and beaming.‘Cause for celebration, then,’ Snape said drily. ‘Why not throw a party in the Gryffindor common room?’She smacked him playfully on the shoulder with the book and set it back on her lap and read from the page. ‘Moonglow flowers only grow where unicorns reside, feeding off their magic. They only retain their magical properties if picked while the moon is shining directly upon them. The scent of moonglow flowers evoke feelings of peace and serenity. Wow,’ she breathed. ‘They’re probably really rare. I’ve never even heard of them before.’‘They are rare,’ Snape said, ‘although there’s probably some growing in the Forbidden Forest.’Her eyes widened. ‘Really?’‘Well, sure, there’s unicorns in there so they’re probably moonglow flowers as well.’Lily turned towards the forest. ‘Hmmm…’ Then she turned back and lounged beside him, propping herself on her elbow and fixing him with a mischievous look. ‘I don’t suppose my very best friend in the whole wide world,’ Snape rolled his eyes at this, ‘would be willing to go in there with me to fetch some, would he?’Snape snorted. ‘I am not going out with you at night, risking being trampled by centaurs or ripped to pieces by werewolves just so you can go flower picking.’ He hoped she didn’t detect the hint of worry beneath the snark - he really didn’t want Lily going into the forest, either accompanied by him or by herself. It was too dangerous.She sighed. ‘I suppose I’ll just have to imagine a bouquet of them, then.’ She rolled onto her back and tilted her face up to the sun, her arms beneath her head, her eyes closed.Snape studied her face for a few moments before returning to her potions essay. For a second, he envisioned himself presenting her with the coveted bouquet of flowers, hearing her gasp in delight, throwing her arms around him, her happy laughter ringing in his ear…
Snape blinked and he was no longer in the sunshine with Lily but lying shivering in the cold and dark by himself. He picked himself up, brushed the grass off of his robes and headed directly for the Forbidden Forest. Three hours later he emerged, sweaty and panting, bleeding from numerous cuts from tree limbs and twigs - a bouquet of shining, moonglow flowers clutched tightly in his fist. ***The next morning,Valentine’s Day, Snape sat alone at the Slytherin table at breakfast, pretending to be absorbed in the book he had propped in front of him but his eyes kept darting over to the Gryffindor table where Lily sat, facing him but not looking in his direction. The Great Hall seemed noisier than usual as girls shrieked and giggled over the gifts from their boyfriends or more commonly, from their friends.He had already watched Lily exchange cards with her group of girlfriends, smiling and laughing as she opened a card that shot heart-shaped confetti into the air and drifted around her, landing in her hair.Snape kept glancing up at the owls swooping in and his heart shot into his throat as he recognized the school owl he had tasked with the delivery fly into the great hall where it soared to the Gryffindor table and landed right in front of Lily, blocking her face from view.Move you stupid bird!, Snape screamed in his head. Get out of the fucking way!The owl turned and flew off and Snape saw Lily holding the flowers, looking astounded. The girls around her were oohing and aahing and Snape could see the flowers glowing so brightly that the rest of the hall seemed to dim. They lit up Lily’s face, who was still gaping at them in shock. And then she smiled - a smile that was purely hers, a smile he had seen so many times before and would never see enough of. Then she looked up and their eyes met. He didn’t look away this time but merely gazed at her. Her smile faded slightly but didn’t disappear completely. Snape’s mouth quirked up at the corner and he nodded at her. Her smile returned to its full brightness and in that moment, Snape forgot how to breathe.He saw her start to get up and he could hardly dare to believe it - she wasn’t coming over here, was she? His heart leapt - but then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Avery and Mulciber lumber into the hall and knew that they would head straight for him. And he thought of what they might say to her, how they would leer at her if she came over here. The thought turned his stomach.She was almost out of her seat when he shook his head violently at her. She frowned and then her gaze drifted over to Avery and Mulciber heading towards him and her features hardened. But when she turned back to him, he saw understanding in her eyes and she mouthed, ‘thank you,’ at him and gave him another small smile before turning back to her friends and exclaiming over the flowers.Snape knew she understood. It was too late for him and their friendship. They could never go back to the way things used to be. But he could still protect her from his own bad choices, his own mistakes. He would always protect her.Mulciber and Avery sat on either side of him, sneering at the other students getting Valentine’s gifts and at the couples’ displays of affections. Snape ignored them. He returned to reading his book but in his mind, he replayed Lily’s smile over and over again, her face shining like a beacon within the dark recesses of his thoughts.This was one memory he would not obliterate. Instead, he took the memory of Lily’s smile and tucked it away in the deepest, most secret corner of his heart.