Archive of Our Own

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The ghosts that remain
It’s raining when Kakashi wakes up.Little drops tap gently against the window, the noise of water splashing through the glass and the ceiling enticing his eyelids to drop, he enjoys the way the air around him carries the smell of trees, humid grass, and wood. He could live like this, he believes, surrounded by the quiet and calmness that the forest provides, where the warmth is muffled by the lake’s depth and the cold never truly reaches him, where he can stay hidden.He could live like this. He thinks once more and is this realization that makes the impossibility much more painful, he never achieved a single thing by wanting, not a single thing, and the few times that he wishes -that he desires, are so minimal and so far in between that he concedes himself small mercies. Small pleasures. He has learned not to deny himself when it doesn’t matter. He renounces them when it does.He opens his eyes slowly, shaking away the ghosts of his beloved ones and the responsibilities they carry and force upon him, thoughts that cloud briefly his mind, refusing to let him settle. He breathes and smells the heat of the morning, the sensitive skin of the tip of his nose misses the cloth of his mask, unaccustomed to the nakedness to which it’s subjected. He swallows, tasting his thirst, there’s much he could do and little impulse to perform.Kakashi stretches his back, waist popping and body making a low noise when moving the sheets against it, his hair is pressed against the pillow, and after another deep sigh, he considers his options. He has been loyal for years and years and doesn’t even think about stopping, yet he tempts his fingers when imagining grabbing something else but a kunai, he reads, blushes; he’s considered far more skilled than he is; tries to think of the last battle he’s won and comes up empty. Maybe Zabuza, but he isn’t sure.He thinks about his father, about the fact that he is his age when he had him –older even, he thinks of the conversation that brought him here and the solace he was given and that he won’t be able to keep. He scoffs, knows what he wants, and that he’ll deny himself. When he turns, sweat travels down his spine and to his side; he has always been a winter creature, his paleness made him fragile against the unforgiving sun, against the cruel heat; life has never been kind to him, nature wouldn’t be any different.After a moment he rises, passes his hand against his nape to gather some of the sweat, and makes a distasteful noise, looking at the shiny coat of water dripping down his fingers. Lost, tired, and unequivocably old, he moves, hates to think and thinks regardless. He’s never been a smart man despite what people say, he’s merely been lucky, beloved by those who actually matter; it’s not his fault, and he’s not sure why he hates himself for it.The wood floor makes squeaky sounds under the weight of his feet, he drags himself to the kitchen, where he looks for the pot and fills it with water. He snaps his fingers and a faint spark ignites the cauldron, he watches as his chakra lights the flames, and moves to make himself some tea. The cup is filthy, waiting in the sink, he can’t remember the reason why he didn’t wash it yet he rinses it lazily, thinking it needs nothing else. It’s a monotone affair, absolutely boring for sure, definitely not a life that someone will like to read about, yet he washes the cup and pours the boiling water onto the tea strands, a fine cloth catching the threads and allowing the brown liquid to reach the mug. The vapor brings a rosy color back to his skin.He walks towards his favorite spot inside the cabin, an internal balcony full of cushions with an enormous window to observe the foliage outside, likely Shikamaru’s own doing, and the thought makes Kakashi chuckle, that young man sure is predictable; his tastes simple. He wishes he was that easy to please. The rain still pours outside, gently but consistently; damping everything he could see and beyond.The usually calm lake moves faintly, responds to the rain and invites its presence, the water reaches further than it used to alongside the coast, and he can already smell the mud that’ll be there by dawn; water rings dance upon the surface, breaking when clashing amongst them, brown leaves fall and rest above the lake’s mass; the usually soft green color of the grass and tree cups becomes darker, prettier, lively. The sky dresses in gray, Kakashi watches and brings the cup’s rim to his lips, he tastes the tea yet doesn’t drink, smells the vapor.He’s comfortable with his back against the wall on the side of the window, one of the carmine cushions between his legs, his shoulder is cold when it touches the glass, yet everything else is uncomfortably warm, he detests summer; he’ll never admit it.He really wished he could live like this.Outside, the sun starts to peek from behind the cloud curtains, and the entire space seems to glow under the brightness of the master; the water’s still pouring, reflecting and bouncing the golden light that showers it all. A rainbow will soon be born from this mating, Kakashi is sure, yet ignores where, perhaps behind the cabin, where the window doesn’t reach; he contemplates following, contemplates witnessing, yet he isn’t sure he’s worthy of such a magnificent luminosity.It never stopped him before.He wonders how people see him, thinks that he doesn’t care; shouldn’t care, yet contemplates regardless. He wonders if people pity him, knowing about his rough childhood and even rougher adulthood, if people tell partially-invented stories about him, if they even see him worthy enough to command them. It’s been too long since his one and only team, he came out as a victor and a failure, many parents were quick to rise a complaint once their children were assigned to his care, because they saw through the mask both he and Konoha wanted to perch upon his countenance: A prodigious disappointment; a man that had the chance to help the boy and knew not how to.“It’s not your fault” Tsunade had whispered when speaking to him after Sasuke's escape, “no one taught you how to take care of such a fragile mind…” she said, yet turned so he wouldn’t see her eyes when speaking, for that didn’t take away any of his responsibility. She was being kind. Kakashi didn’t know if it was for his benefit or for her mentor’s memory.Kakashi keeps his eyes on what remains of his beverage and wonders, once again, if he is really ready to become what they ask him to, what she asks him to, if he’s ready to leave behind his wonderful, disgusting Jönin title, bestowed upon him at the tender age of six; more than two decades have passed since he became one, thought he’ll die under the title, yet now she marches, grabs him by the shoulder and tells him to accept what’s coming, and it doesn’t surprise him when he finds he doesn’t want to. Can’t.He thinks that he thinks too much for his own good, realizing just now amongst the silence within and the rain outside, that he couldn’t choose an option with the required determination because it’s easier to follow orders. He’s decent when it comes to fighting, sometimes, he’s good at thinking fast on his feet. Bureaucracy? No. He detests the thought.“Ah well,” Tsunade’s awful fake-calm demeanor strikes him as unpleasant, the woman scratches her collarbone and pretends she doesn’t see him staring, she leans forward, allowing him a good look at her cleavage and he knows then that this conversation will be skull-splitting. “Our numbers aren’t looking good,” she starts; they’ve been months since the war and the world barely crumbling; surely what’s true for Konoha it’s true for everyone else as well.“As expected,” he provides, doesn’t say what he thinks for she knows it already.“Yes, uhm…” she blushes, clicks her tongue like that upsets her, and looks at him like it's his fault, “we need to ensure more capable shinobi,” she tries, and her tone is far more commanding than he thinks is pertinent.“Absolutely not,” he replies and thinks that some other time he’d have played dumb, asking her more questions and cocking his head to the side, for that’s who he was, that used to be what was expected of him; yet he’s exhausted, heartbroken, he doesn’t feel like pretending for others than aren’t those he cares for.“You don’t have to raise them,” she adds, like that makes it better, disregarding what she was actually asking, “many clan members perished during the conflict, Kekkei Genkai and secret techniques’ users were specifically targeted,” and she furrows her eyebrows, raw hatred spilling out of the corner of her mouth, she brings her thumb to clean the spit and glances back up at him; he knows she’s trying not to hate him but she’s failing miserably, “Obito was really adamant into weaken our forces, if not forever, for generations to come.” She says and looks down so as not to see his will crumble.And Kakashi would accept whatever she asks of him when bringing up such a powerful argument, as he was still mourning the betrayal of the man he loved, yet he’s speechless, frozen in place with an unguarded, dumbfounded expression, Tsunade glances up at his silence, and her countenance softens, “we can make it easier for you if you’ll like, we just need a sample.”And great, nothing screams mercy like the mechanical process of giving sperm. “Tsunade-sama,” he starts, swallows because he doesn’t know was he’s about to say, nothing comes to his mind, “I… can’t.” It’s all that follows and purses his lips apologetically despite her not being able to see.“I know,” she chews out, crosses her arms, and glances at the window, narrowing her eyes at the sun. With her back turned to him, she continues, “it’s dumb to keep pretending biology doesn’t matter,” she says, Kakashi feels offended on his friend’s student's behalf, “Lee is an extraordinary exception,” she adds as if she knew where his heart went; “but we can’t rely on those like him existing. Parents are scared, they don’t want their children becoming Chünin, they don’t want the Academy to be rebuilt.” She sighs, allows him to reply before continuing.When he doesn’t, she keeps going, “what would’ve been the Academy Building was set on fire yesterday, many stopped seeing it as a chance of survival and they now think it’s the first step to new wars coming our way… I can’t say I blame them…” she glances at him, “most of our living citizens are descendants of civilians that embraced our views, they don’t have the background our noble clans possess, they don’t see it the way we do.”“—Let me be clear, and let me be blunt,” she turns, walks towards her desk, and plants her palms upon the wood, “our next gen of ninjas, most of it at least, will be composed of average children at best,” and rolls her eyes at Kakashi’s expression, “no Kekkei Genkai nor secret technique; and it’ll be decades before some resemblance of normalcy, of our unmatched shinobi power, returns; it’ll be years before the noble children that survived are able to mate. We’re the village with the most quantity of special techniques, yet as of now we have almost none to display.”Kakashi swallows, knows what she says is truthful yet feels sick about his part to play, “I have no—”“—Oh, shush it,” she interrupts, red dust coloring her cheeks and chest, “you were considered a prodigy, your father was considered our equal,” she says, not mentioning the names of the two men whose ghost she carries, “your lineage is far more amongst our standards than what we have now.” She’s not concerned with keeping his ego intact, “don’t dare think that you’re the victim in this, I have to ask wonderful kunoichi, survivors of the battles that took away their beloved ones, to pause their growth and spawn babies, most of them aren’t even married yet nor have they reached their twenties, your pity party is of no interest of mine.”It’s her anger that shocks him the most, the faint way her chin trembles and eyes water, Obito’s dead, Minato’s presence lingers no longer, the only other man Tsunade is willing to chastise for their losses has such a fragile loyalty that a single word can plunge the world back into chaos; Kakashi knows he’s not at fault, but Tsunade saw him crying above Obito’s destroyed grave, she’s punishing him by the love that lingers. “Please,” he says, because there’s nothing else.Tsunade sighs, exhausted, hastily sitting and bringing her hands to her face, pinching the bridge of her nose, “Kakashi…”“Please,” he pleads again, terrified already, “please Tsunade-sama.”And she looks at him, grief perched on her face and softening her features, her lips pursed. Kakashi thinks she looks wonderful, beautiful, it makes his stomach drop when seeing such a magnificent creature ripping apart what’s left of him. She doesn’t know, doesn’t care about what he’ll be creating, whilst a woman’s womb gets sacrificed to carry his child. There’ll be no hope nor happiness for such twisted offspring, Kakashi carries too much anguish to spare the child of its influence; Hatake’s fate is to be broken, he’d been simply capable of enduring such destiny, his father, far more powerful than him, succumbed to the heartbreak; there’s nothing that guarantees Kakashi won’t buckle as well.Tsunade swallows, grunts, and wrinkles form upon her forehead; upset and convinced, Kakashi sees the moment his blame deepens in her eyes, and sees also the way she allows him mercy. “Fine,” she concedes, “I’ll spare you,” yet he knows he now owes her, always has, but now -whatever she asks next, he’ll have no leverage to refuse, she could ask him to bring Obito’s body to her table and cut it open and he’ll obey…When the door of his home opens, sandals left hazard on the entrance, he moves towards the usual spot where his friend, likely the only friend he now has, stays these past few days; he founds him, seated and bent forward, and while he wishes for his attention, he notices the girl resting on his legs. Tenten, he remembers the name, cries silently, head hidden in between her master’s thighs, arms shielding her from the light; Gai pats her head but speaks not, he glances in his direction; his expression resigned, if he notices Kakashi’s own distress (and Kakashi is sure he does), he decides he can wait until later.“I can’t,” Tenten sobs, “not a child…” she hiccups, and speaks no further; Kakashi understands and glances away, his cheeks reddening with shame, he knows Gai sees it, thinks he’ll ask him later and leaves to prevent saying something inconvenient and condescending.He’s about to think that he’s sorry when he realizes that he’s not. That he can’t be.The girl has no background nor defense, coming from a non-renowned clan and having a teacher with no solid political power. Her nature wouldn’t be enticing under normal circumstances, yet she possesses something even Tsunade might envy her for, as no matter how much water-walking you do, it’s impossible to reach solely through training such a large pool of stamina. He remembers the tale of the girl with the banana fan that used it without abandon yet didn’t sweat nor stumbled with chakra depletion, the young trainee that tried to learn medical ninjutsu yet was unable to control such above average quantity; having the genes for a great chakra pool was just too enticing, too needed. He absentmindedly thought about who’ll they pair her with, then he felt vomit constrict his throat and he thought of it no longer.Gai didn’t speak to him for weeks when he refused (had to refuse), to speak with Tsunade on her behalf, when he leaves, a dark figure emerges and he doesn’t have to look to know Sharingan as his, the shadow reaches out to him but before Kakashi can touch it, it dissipates, mockingly; it leaves him alone and wanting in his solace.A year later Tenten walked Konoha’s streets with a newborn tightly secured upon her chest, she looked happy, yet Kakashi wasn’t sure how much.Years pass and Tsunade is silent, doesn’t ask of him more than what she used to before, doesn’t bring the child deal either; women around him bloat, and children are born, clan-babies stay in the care of their families; some others, mostly Hyüga that are born without Kekkei Genkai, are denied the clan’s crest.He’s walking past a group of Chünin, far too pale and skinny to have been properly promoted, when Tsunade’s figure emerges from the door frame of an empty office, her eyes; honey-colored and bright, narrow when seeing him approach, and a simple move of her head has him following her.They don’t go to her office, far too many ears Tsunade confesses, and it’s then that he understands his moment has finally come, she came to collect his debt; she’d been far too kind for many years, he knows, yet the moment feels like his beheading regardless. He refuses to acknowledge they’re on top of the Kage’s Mountain and with Tsunade’s carved features under their feet; she breathes and allows the wind to dry her sweat before turning to him, she gives him no introduction, the request isn’t even posed as a question, “you’ll be my successor.” She says, and his fate is sealed.“Yes, Tsunade-sama,” he replies, for he has no rights anymore, yet the woman meets his response with a mouth pointed downwards, doesn’t say anything for a while, doesn’t allow him to leave either.“Take a few days for yourself,” she finally speaks and walks away, “I’ll be presenting your name the day after tomorrow.”And it’s not enough time, Kakashi thinks, but he has been spared for far too long, he knew that she wanted to quit the moment the war was over, yet she stayed, he always saw her glancing in his direction yet pretended not to; perhaps she thought Naruto would be ready before having him step up, he counted on that thought too.He walks back to his house and sees his father sitting on the chair by the entrance, he doesn’t speak to him, doesn’t smile or reaches; Kakashi thought he was able to let him free yet the man glances in his direction with anguished eyes. “I’ll be the Hokage,” Kakashi tells him -his father knows already, for his a spectrum of his imagination; yet the man doesn’t acknowledge him, doesn’t reassure him. He looks to the ground and is silent long enough to force Kakashi to walk past him.Life has never been kind to him.The remembrance is sour and brings a sheet of sweat upon his brow, he looks at the still pouring rain and clicks his tongue. The aftermath’s taste still lingers, the way he returned home to change his attire and punch a hole in his wall, how he walked past Gai’s concerned eyes and jumped away because he knew he couldn’t follow (he has never been kind to him, has always made him feel unrequited, he wishes there was a single soft bone on his body to gift him yet he devoted so much of his tenderness to Obito’s memory that his existence disintegrated whatever humanity remained; he wants to blame it all on his teammate yet he knows the man never forced such duty onto him).“That sucks, man,” was everything Shikamaru replied when he found him (and why would Hatake Kakashi look for the assistance of Asuma’s pupil, he wasn’t sure, he thinks it's because he looks as disinterested as he is, then remembers Shikamaru is likely far more loyal than him), “yeah, stay there. No one will look for you.” He assures, yet is by the way that he looks at him that Kakashi is sure there’s a warning, a threat somewhere, the boy, man, is giving him solace yet a temporary one, he’ll drag him if he has to; Kakashi is sure.Now, the only thing he has are mere hours of peace, a day has passed since Tsunade’s announcement and Kakashi wasn’t there to witness it yet no one came looking for him; all of them knew him, he’ll show up when it’s time, he’ll like to think he has a few days of rest earned.A few days to convince himself, that this isn’t bad.That this isn’t so bad.He swallows, the tea went cold yet he finishes the remains with a single gulp, it’s bitter and makes him bite with his molars, Kakashi turns and looks through the glass, sees the rain and the sun rays, and thinks, I deserve a treat, and stands; it doesn’t matter, so he can indulge. A rainbow won’t kill him, although if it does…He doesn’t bother with sandals or a t-shirt, walking slow enough to make himself reconsider, because, perhaps, this isn’t what he wants; yet his feet don’t stop, they carry him to the cabin’s entrance, and when, finally, he opens; a woosh of fresh air caresses his warm skin.“Well, would you look at that...”The voice doesn’t take him by surprise, exactly, in the sense that he recognizes the vibrato, yet there’s shock in his stance, defense mechanisms ignited yet stopped in their tracks. The woman blushes and tenses, sitting on top of the right fence that surrounds the porch, they look at each other, acknowledging their mutual beloved ones yet failing to stretch such courtesy to one another.She is soaked, dressing in what he believes is a cream-colored woven sweater, one of its shoulders drops and exposes her skin, her left leg braced against her chest, her arms loosely hugging each other. He watches, perplexed, and wonders who sent her.“The man everyone is talking about,” she continues, pretending she doesn’t notice the way he scrutinizes her. “I wasn’t kneading chakra,” she adds, and lets out a sigh, “you almost give me a heart attack.”Kakashi doesn’t respond, isn’t sure if he wants to, he takes offense by her presence, furrows his eyebrows, and stays silent. Ino doesn’t seem fazed by his rudeness, although something in her expression shifts; she doesn’t speak again and, blinking her eyes, she looks away, facing the part of the woods in front of the cabin.Kakashi purses his lips, notices no cloth against them, and remembers, suddenly, his exposed face, he feels naked without his mask, his torso’s unclothed condition doesn’t feel as important as his identity. He retreats to his room, the door shuts far more loudly than he thinks he intends, and he puts on his mask first and then his shirt.For a moment there he stays, frustration eats away his self-composure, he grabs the sheets of the bed and yanks them, tossing them away and into the corner of the room. He knows it’s childish, by spirits not a behavior proper of someone in his thirties and definitely not of someone about to become a king, yet he allows himself to be childish, and grunts. He doesn’t know if Ino notices, if she can listen to his motions.Clicking his tongue, he marches outside, and finds her still perched upon the baranda, she glances at him and says nothing, he thinks she’s been condescending, so he crosses his arms and leans against the wall; he smells the rain plastered on her clothes, decides he doesn’t care enough to offer her a blanket.“Am I to return already?” He asks, regaining some composure, he wonders the reason why they sent her of all people.“Huh?” She asks, and looks out of her comfort zone, “I guess… I don’t know,” she shrugs, “I believe your presence was required during the announcement, but honestly, what do I know?”That sparks some curiosity, “then…” he starts, and she looks at him with eyelids dropping, “what are you doing here?”There’s no immediate response, Ino keeps looking at him as if considering, Kakashi isn’t sure what she’s contemplating. “Same as you, I guess,” she concedes, sighing, like that was too much effort, too much information for someone not worth it.Kakashi despises her kind, detests being told what he thinks and those that believe they understand him better than he can, Inoichi was a sore spot still inside his mind; he never cared much for the man yet he won his respect by staying out of his affairs. “Hardly.” He replies, his tone giving no invitation for rebuttal.But Ino rebuts because she’s childish despite being a woman; he remembers Tenten’s tears and how someone like Ino was spared due to her position as the new clan leader, and feels his eyebrows furrow, “different reasons,” she smiles, like she knows better, it makes him mad, “same goal.”Kakashi swallows, watches as Ino acknowledges his expression and looks at the floor, “No.” He says because he refuses to be defined by her, by anyone he doesn’t care for; she swallows, he knows there’s more to come but speaks first, denying her attempt, “Shikamaru told me I was going to be alone,” he says; considering that even a non-genius would know the intentions behind it, she’s not her teammate yet she’s far smarter than he wants to admit.Yet, she shrugs, like she’s shaking off his attempt, “oh, he probably would’ve forbidden me to come if I had asked him for permission.” She sounds proud, perhaps, if Kakashi feels kind enough, somewhat apologetic, it’s his silence that modifies her neutral expression to one slightly more embarrassed; she tucks a wet lock behind her ear and looks back into the forest, “you won’t know I’m here.” She promises, yet Kakashi cares not for her word.“I already know.” He says, she has the nerve not to respond.Gai’s head rests on his shoulder, he pretends to sleep and Kakashi lets him, yet doesn’t change the page still, allowing him a few more minutes until turning it, Gai has always had slower eyes and quicker reflexes; it’s weird to read spicy novels alongside his friend, but he thinks shinobi have done far weirder things.The female character and the protagonist fall in love, it’s one of the few times the author allowed his main character to do so, it’ll end up with her dying, blonde hair shining with her blood, it always does, Kakashi knows for he’s read this story many times before -difficult to continue a series when the author has passed. He tries to ignore the idea that this female character is awfully similar to Naruto’s female version, he shudders.Kakashi doesn’t remember Gai dating, doesn’t remember asking, he thinks he’s a bad friend for not knowing a single thing about the man almost drooling on his shoulder, “have you ever dated?” He asks, blunt and pathetic, he blushes like a teenager in shame.Gai doesn’t reply, at least not immediately, he doesn’t continue to play asleep either, sighing, “I’m twenty-nine,” he says, as if that’s worth something.“So?” Kakashi pushes, shakes his shoulder, “so am I.” He adds, admits, he’s slept with more people than he remembers yet dedicated no more than a few encounters to each of them.His friend, best and only, stays silent, more breeze follows and saves both of the blood-drinker insects preying amongst the darkness, “Once.” He says, “died.” It follows, Kakashi decides to seal his lips and adds nothing, his heart aches at his ignorance on the matter. “It’s fine,” Gai forgives him even before Kakashi’s thought settles, the man truly is unparalleled. It makes him feel far less worthy of his presence.He thinks of everything he lost: students, legs, partners, he tries to give meaning by asking but shushes his mouth before doing something as stupid as succumbing to his curiosity. Gai doesn’t want to speak about it, and Kakashi isn’t sure that’s healthy, but he’s the least capable person of speaking of such things.Suddenly, Obito’s figure emerges, wonderful and terrifying, he settles in the silence between them and refuses to leave, shaking his head when Kakashi pleads, he swallows, tries harder to let him go, yet can’t; “Why not hate me?” He asks, can’t stop it, it’s really not his right to know yet he asks, can’t understand this ache and feels pride upon seeing Obito's smile.“What for?” Gai wonders and raises his head from his shoulder to look at him, Obito’s figure stands and places itself in front of Kakashi, and he follows the ghost with rapt attention.“Neji…” he breathes, sees his former teammate smile, and reaches his hand towards him, his hand itches with the want of stretching.Gai’s fingers are hard and unkind when they grab his jaw, forcing his head to face him, Obito’s ghost disappears out of sight, yet Kakashi feels his presence at the back of his skull, he wants to look but Gai’s face is severe so he swallows and forbids himself from looking. “Don’t you dare to claim his death,” he says, and there’s hatred upon his brows, “don’t you dare to raise his burden.”Obito. Gai hates him. Whatever pity he once had for the child dissipated with Neji’s last breath; his friend’s fingers awake pain upon his face, digging harder into the tender flesh; Kakashi never leaves his mask on when alone with Gai, there’s nothing to prevent Gai’s nails from leaving a mark. “Always,” the man hisses, “always him,” he sneers, “always shielding him.”Kakashi thinks he’s mistaken, he thinks he wasn’t trying to lift Neji’s death from his teammate’s shoulders, yet finds his tongue heavy and unmoving, Gai waits for one more beat a response, a justification and, when it inevitably doesn’t come, he sighs, shakes his head and leaves Kakashi and his heart down on the pit of his stomach.He turns and sees the ghost dissipating, laughing tenderly and shaking his head as if breaking Gai was the funniest thing in the world; Kakashi should be angry yet he yearns for his presence.Kakashi is sorry. He realizes.He never apologizes.The rain is dissipating when Kakashi allows the bother to leave, or rather, to dwell. He isn’t sure how long has passed since her arrival and his inevitable confinement; the woman refused to leave and he refused to force her, thinking that a silent treatment would get him there regardless.He scoffs, thinks that she’s being spiteful on purpose, and wonders why he decided to close himself inside the cabin instead of walking to the other side of the house to watch the rainbow he decided he deserved. Clicking his tongue, he moves, opens the door, and finds her again perched on the fence, still looking at the distance; her skin has goosebumps where the rain dried, her clothes are still wet.“Why are you here?” He asks again, now moving towards her, he decides to stand by her side, elbows upon the railing. She glances at him slowly enough for him to wonder what is she thinking, and why is she so purposefully unmoving.“You’re so childish,” she deflects, Kakashi doesn’t know her well enough to think that she does that often but he thinks so regardless. She smiles, however, almost sincerely; he’s never been good with people’s emotions, much less those that are hidden. She’s not worth the effort. “I’m mourning,” she says, not giving anything else.He thinks of Inoichi and the years that passed after his death, considers her pain understandable yet long settled, the thought is about to disappear when he remembers vaguely Sasuke’s presence alongside that girl, Karin, not long ago; pregnancy visible amongst her clothes. He remembers Sakura’s expression and soft tears, yet he can’t -for the life of him- remember Ino’s; he’s sure she was there as her voice was the only thing that got Sakura out of her turmoil, he thinks that there might be something there, but he’s not fond enough of her to question.The remembrance of Sakura’s whimpers brings dark, strong strokes of anguish to his chest; he still thinks she was deserving of his heart for everything she endured over the slight hope of reciprocation, yet Sasuke has never been kin to bend over fairness and always refused her advances. Rin’s ghost lingers on his peripheral vision, reminding him of his selfish nature, of the heart to which he couldn’t give love and adoration, rather piercing through with his Chidori; he thinks of what could’ve been and what Sasuke refused still, and it makes pure frustration rise.He believes Ino has no right to grieve over a heart she did little to save. “You’re so selfish,” he says, his voice doesn’t contain half of the anger he feels.She seems unfazed, smile not faltering off her lips, “and you’re so simple-minded,” she says, tone so gentle it's almost impossible to feel insulted. Kakashi doesn’t understand how that constitutes a defense and instantly furrows his eyebrows, for that must be the exact reason why Ino smiles wider when he fails to respond, winning.Turning, Kakashi decides that the only presence that can bring some comfort is the girl leaning on the tree in front of them; her smile consoles him, and Ino gifts him silence, so he doesn’t move, and doesn’t leave. Rin’s smile doesn’t fade, yet she waves, dissipating, she’s the only one out of three that does before parting. He doesn’t know what that means.“You’re wet,” he says, just to wash away the acidic taste that his loss brought him.“Impressive powers of deduction of our mighty future leader,” she bites, glances at him slowly again and Kakashi realizes he isn’t the only one lashing out at the person closest to him. He blinks, thinks of indulging, and knows it’s not the smartest move.He never considered himself smart, “how weird, I was told you were the kindest amongst the group,” it’s a lie, he never spoke about her much before Asuma’s death, and dedicated her not a single thought after, yet he remembers the man’s soft praises for the girl in his team.Ino tskis, “that’s a constant misconception,” she says, brushing off his lame attempt at wounding her pride, “I’m incredibly kind to those I care for…” she quiets down after this, allowing Kakashi to fill in the blanks.He does, “strange,” he says, “always thought you had to be somewhat nice to strangers to practice medicine.”Ino laughs, loud enough for her voice to rumble amongst the trees, birds flying in fright, “that’s another misconception,” she tells him, breathy and flushed and absolutely victorious, Kakashi is glad for his mask as it hides his embarrassment, “you're terrible at this when you actually try to,” she adds, laughter dying on her throat, serious expression returning.It’s then, when her lips relax and her blush subdues, that Kakashi realizes that Ino might hate him, the idea makes sense and explains her cruelty, he has no reason to believe she cares for him yet few to think she does the exact opposite; it’s a lifesaver, as well, because it’s hard to admit when a woman younger than him is far more skilled at something he never thought he’d be jealous for. “Why is it that I’ve done to win you animosity?” He asks, far more eloquently than it was his right to.Ino looks at him and raises an eyebrow, sees exactly through him, and rolls her eyes for his troubles, “you mean, besides calling me selfish and trying to throw me in the rain?”Kakashi sighs and relaxes his posture, turning and pressing his hips on the fence, he doesn’t says he’s sorry (can’t remember the last time he has done so) yet Ino concedes his unspoken apology and huffs; bends her waist, and rests more weight upon the railing, cocking her head to see Kakashi, wet hair cascading down. She opens her mouth, soft air moving against the chilly weather, she looks almost bored despite the sudden burst of necessity, of resolution, that sparks inside Kakashi’s chest.“Is it guilt?” He starts, because he suspects she won’t speak otherwise, “am I to be responsible for Obito’s actions? All the deaths and despair he brought?” Ino blinks, and gives him nothing, he keeps pushing because he needs her response, “is it Sasuke? Are you blaming me for his missteps?”It’s her next sigh that brings the inescapable feeling of an absolute vacuum inside him, and her words do nothing but cement this sensation, leaving him bare to her eyes, trapped inside her web like a child instead of a man that’ll possess the entirety of Konoha’s forces at his service, “please, tell us how you feel.”And she’s cruel, crueler than he ever thought (despite not thinking of her at all) she could be, something twists inside him and he realizes, amidst her uninterested stare, that Ino Yamanaka doesn’t know when to stop, doesn’t know when to quit, she’s cruel and won’t bother to halt until she’s satisfied; he wonders if the kindness she gives to those she loves nourishes itself from the cruelty she shows to others. No wonder Ibiki likes her as much as he does.“Honestly,” he whispers, watching as her smirk dissipates with each word he pronounces, “I don’t want to be there when you fall.”“Don’t worry,” she replies, all bravado and confidence that reminds Kakashi how young she still is, “I won’t.”Kakashi shakes his head yet keeps quiet, silently moving away and inside the cabin, he’s not sure if Ino watches him, yet knows she doesn’t follow him. It’s sad, he thinks, to watch a girl being shaped into a woman by the cruel claws of war and death, and still see her fail when it comes to grasping what surviving inside their universe entails. He reaches the master bedroom and grabs a blanket heavy and fluffy enough to be comforting. When he returns, Ino is facing the door, still leaning on the railing, her arms crossed and eyes narrowed; when he reaches out to her with the blanket in his hands, her gaze softens, surprise coloring her features.She doesn’t grab it, watching him and his movements with such a suspicious expression that Kakashi himself almost thinks he’s hiding a knife in between the cloth; he pauses just when the blanket is about to touch her, and still, she stays immobile, “take it, Ino.” He says, seeing her pursing her lips.“Why?” She asks, and Kakashi can almost see Ino’s mind working, not conceiving a single reason why he would extend kindness to someone who had just brutally diminished him.“Stop thinking and take it,” he replies, denying her a real response; she doesn’t deserve one, he thinks, and it’s somewhat hilarious that he chastises her for doing something he’s far more guilty of.She allows him this win, taking the blanket and gently pressing it against her chest, it’s just then that Kakashi notices she’s trembling, he wonders if the cold made her insults far more biting. Silence reigns amongst them, it’s difficult to imagine both future leaders awkwardly glancing at one another. “Why are you running?” Ino asks, far too casually and deeply, shyness takes over her posture, and he looks at her with a raised eyebrow. “What? You’re not the Hokage yet.” She offers, Kakashi thinks it’s fair enough yet it doesn’t make it any less out of line.“It’s not your business, Ino.” He replies, and she makes a weird face at him because he used the same tone he does with overbearing children, she must have realized.After the initial expression, she huffs, rolling her eyes and flushing pink, she looks exactly what she is, a spoiled curious child who didn’t get her way, in a manner, she’s almost cute to watch. “Just trying to be nice,” she’s lying, Kakashi can see it in the way she looks away, “thought you’d want to talk about it, that’s all.”“What for?” He pushes, stands beside her, and rests his weight on the fence as well, “for you to mock me again?” It’s half teasing, half hurt speaking, she has the decency to look slightly embarrassed.“It wasn’t my finest moment,” she concedes, yet she doesn’t ask for forgiveness, he doesn’t push her either. “I’ve never said thank you.”The way the subject changes abruptly is surprising, he thinks she does it to extend some of the kindness she denied him earlier; he doesn’t understand her, and can’t even try to do so either, he used to think he didn’t care enough to, now he thinks he wouldn’t be able regardless. “What for?” It’s an olive branch she extends and he takes it, not much so because he thinks she deserves it but because of the repercussions of not taking it.“For helping us back then,” she doesn’t have to say which moment she’s speaking of, what help he provided. It’s clear to both of them that they would’ve died hadn’t he been present, hadn’t Naruto arrived later on; Shikamaru’s anger didn’t allow him to see the mistakes they were making, the impossibilities of them overpowering such forces of nature.Kakashi humms, acknowledges her gratitude yet thinks that, truly, Ino is a cruel woman: Shikamaru confessed he hadn’t killed Hidan but buried him alive (Kakashi does not know where and couldn’t force such information out of Shikamaru. He vowed upon his beloved ones’ memories to never confess his location), Ino and Chöji are aware of his destiny, yet she, as a sensor, is also aware of his whereabouts, she knows he’s buried somewhere close by yet she cares not, has never dug him out of such torture nor bent over Chöji’s pleads of ending his misery. Kakashi keeps quiet, however, deciding that he’s not as suicidal as to be at the receiving end of such harshness again.Ino is unaware of his thoughts because she’s still smiling at him, “you know, after that,” she carries on, and Kakashi finds himself curious about where the speech is going, “you already were my Hokage.”And it’s a simple affirmation, something that shouldn’t change anything yet changes much of how he sees this specific instant, he isn’t sure why the admission sparks something within him, or why she looks suddenly so ethereal.“Ah…” he breathes, and can’t go further, she watches as he looks away and then back and her smile widens, a light chuckle bubbling out of her throat. The worst part is, he isn’t sure if she’s lying, if she’s inventing all these things out of mercy or to mock him, yet he leans in towards her words, drinks them with a sudden thirst for praise. He remembers Gai’s smile and his own words of encouragement and doesn’t understand why he takes him for granted. He loves him, as far as he can, he does; Obito has always been his one and only, despite Gai being the only one there for him. He doesn’t understand himself.Maybe is the way she intertwines praises with beratings, or the way she speaks softly despite her malice; she looks divine yet she’s everything but, he’s seen her buried in the mud whilst staving others.Obito’s presence looms above them, chuckling, it’s the part he most hates about himself and he knows now he’s about to make a mistake that he’ll regret and will keep regretting, he sees it in the way his friend perches upon her shoulders, hand ghosting just above her soft skin. She smiles regardless, unaware and stunning, shivering from the cold while pretending not to; silence stretches between them and her expression disappears like it never happened.Ino moves deliberately towards him, gaze soft yet attentive as if trying to put together his puzzle; he wishes her luck. “Are you okay?” She asks, and Obito’s laughter dies, he looks shocked, a countenance that Kakashi reflects upon his own, he tries to think, tries to remember the last time someone asked him that; wonders if Gai stopped trying to get answers out of him at some point as he can’t recall him asking that either. He feels part guilty for expecting his friend to keep trying despite pushing him away and part lonely.It’s surprising the way vile rises up his throat, it’s just a stupid question, he decides; it makes no sense to bring such a reaction out of him, it makes absolutely no sense, yet he looks at her and something must be notorious on his face for her mouth goes downwards, Sakumo and Rin become shadows that stand next to Obito to move him back, to look at him better, they look troubled and Kakashi can’t stand it nor everything they represent—He vomits, Ino moves to the side just in time not to get splashed by the tea he just finished.“Hey!” She chastises, yet her hands are upon his back making soft movements immediately, her fingers move towards his neck and something cold is pressed on his skin; it’s her medical jutsu, he knows instantly, far too used to be under such technique. The feeling of her chakra brings instant relief, his stomach settling, he looks up while tears fall and moistens his mask and watches as the ghosts that remain within him, forever and beyond, watch him back silently. Obito isn’t laughing, Rin is hung on his right forearm and Sakumo, who stands on the left side of his teammate, moves his gaze away from his child, anguish making his lower lip tremble.“I can’t love them back –” he confesses, no more vile rises yet words take its place, “not anyone anymore I…” he swallows, there’s acid burning his throat, “can’t let them go and can’t love anyone back because of it.”Ino says nothing, and keeps working her jutsu until his gags stop, when they do, soft hand against his ribs, she crouches next to him, shoulders pressed together, she looks tenderly at him and he follows, he thinks she might pity him, chews on the idea and finds it preposterous, but can’t do anything against the feeling of comfort that it still ignites. “Do you understand?” He asks, pleads, he’ll never admit this weakness.She purses her lips, “no…” she whispers, the tone is apologetic, and it makes his chest constrict. “I love too much,” she gifts him this confession, likely as hard to admit as his, the absurdity of a heart too selfless to stop giving. She’s being kind to him, two opposites clashing.“Love for us both?” He asks, jokingly, begging to drop the subject; she looks at him with a twist of her mouth.After a moment, she rolls her eyes, “give me a department to run and I might consider it.” And she smiles again, bright and warm, allowing him to distract her. He replies by almost laughing.It's during the quiet that her gaze wanders away from him, focusing on something at his back that he finds himself not curious about. “Kakashi,” she breathes, and he’s trapped in her web so easily, it’s almost humiliating, why with her and not anyone else? “Look. The rainbow.” And she’s young, and this is such a mistake yet he can’t feel Obito’s ghost, or anyone’s, around him to push him towards or against it, there’s nothing -no one, to tell them how this desire will reverberate against his future.Kakashi doesn’t know when they left, and finds himself wondering and then forgetting in the same breath. “Isn’t it beautiful?” He asks, yet hasn’t moved an inch away from her face.When she looks, a faint blush against her cheeks, it disarms him, “I won’t fix you.” She warns, never denies him nor rejects him.He breathes while approaching, mask being gently brought down by her soft fingers before their lips meet in what must be the most comforting kiss he’s had in a while. The answer to the question "why her?" comes at the exact moment their lips part, his body moving to press against hers, chests touching and arms around eachother, both desperate for the next stage of this encounter. “It doesn’t matter,” he reassures her, and she kisses him as a reward for his honesty.After all, he only denies himself when it does.