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“Been thinkin bout u lots lately.”I rolled my eyes, as I looked down at my shattered cell phone screen. Ashton had a habit of drunk texting me as he sat naked and alone on the sofa. I knew because he told me that’s what he was doing last time he’d texted me way too late at night.“Have u been eatin breafast alone like me?”We’d been over for a while and Ashton couldn’t let go. All of our friends said he’s scared of moving on. This happened every few months. And then it started happening every few weeks. We’d see each other at a friends party, or out while shopping and that night I’d have so many texts from him that my phone would start to glitch. I never answered any of his questions. I’d only ever answer to tell him to have a good night once his texts seemed to have stopped.That night, it was unprovoked. I hadn’t seen him around at all.
“Thinkin bout u lots lately”
“Is it bad that im hopin ur still broken? Is it bad that im wishib ur so broken? That u haven found ur other fish in the pcean?”He was relentless when he got this drunk. Normal Ashton had so many things going on that he could never focus on one thing, and drunk Ashton had a one track mind. I couldn’t decide which was worse.“M all alone.”
“God I wsih I didnh no u”
“I kno Im the stupid one who ended this an now I’m stupid and regretting it. It took me a couple drnks to admit it. I know m the stupidobe.”
“Hav u been filin empty beds just like me?”
“Is it wring if I ask ya to com ober?”
“Is it wrong if I tell u rhat I love u? Espeially cause I never say it when m sober?”
“S it weong?”
“R u movin along?”I wasn’t. I was trying to move on from him, but it was difficult when I was always anticipating... that! I couldn’t have a solid date for the fear that at any moment my phone would be buzzing for hours. Not to mention the questions that came with it. Because what normal persons phone vibrates that long?“If ur mobing on wont u jus tell me??”
“Ur already gone.”He wouldn’t ever text me back the next day, either. Wouldn’t apologize for the incessant messages. He’d just leave it alone. Except this time.
“Good night, Ashton.”But instead of sleeping, I tossed and turned as I thought about Ashton. How pathetic this was, but also how I was really all he thought about when he was drunk. Drunk mind, sober thoughts, right?
I woke up to the sound of knocking on my apartment door. An awful wake up call at promptly seven in the morning on a Saturday. I slowly moved from my beds warm embrace to my door, my heart almost dropping out of my ass when I saw Ashton’s face.It took me a couple of seconds before I went to close the door on him, but he stopped me.“Please don’t, love.” He said, exhaustion evident in his voice and his tired eyes.“Why shouldn’t I?” I asked, gripping the door knob tightly.“I’m sorry.” He said, head cocked apologetically to the side, asking me to let him in to explain himself. And I did it.I stepped to the side, opening the door wider for him. He walked in, sighing heavily as he looked around my apartment. He hadn’t been there in months, but it still looked as empty as it did the day he took his stuff and left.“Were you asleep?” He asked, finally looking me over.“What gave you that idea?” I asked, gesturing to the giant t-shirt I had on and my epic messy bed head.“No need to be sarcastic.” He said as he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.“Why are you here, Ashton?” I asked quietly.It made me sad to see him like this. He looked worn out and beat up. He had dark circles and bags under his eyes, his hair was an absolute mess atop his head, and he looked like he lost a few pounds.“I need to apologize for last night... and every other night I’ve drunk texted you. You deserve to move on without me harassing you when I’m drunk and lonely. But I need to know if you’ve moved on already. I think hearing it will knock some sense into me.” He said, shaking his head as the possible reality of me actually being gone set in.I opened my mouth, wanting to lie to him so badly so he’d just leave me alone, but I couldn’t. I don’t know why, but I still wanted to see us work out, even though he gave us up because he was scared of committing.“Love, just tell me.” He said, his fingertips brushing my arm.“I haven’t.” I said, chewing on my bottom lip.His head popped up, his hazel eyes looking into mine. He just stared at me for a little bit, and I could imagine the imaginary gears turning in his head.“You haven’t.” He breathed out.I shook my head as I stared at my feet. I could’ve ran right then and there, but my body wouldn’t move.“Let me fix this. Please, love. Let me show you. We can make this work. I know that I’m the stupid one who gave up your love because I was scared. But I’m not scared anymore. I have never known actual love until you.” His fingers were still barely attached to my skin. “And I don’t think I’ll ever find it again.”“What scared you, Ashton? What suddenly made you realize?” I asked, my feet glued to the floor.He sighed the heaviest sigh I’d ever heard. “It was a combination of things. The boys were talking about how much weddings and babies cost because Luke’s brother is expecting and Michael’s cousin is getting married, and you would always mention weddings and future babies. You never said when you wanted all of these things, but I assumed soon and I wasn’t ready for it. I got in my own head and let it consume me. I put a whole lot of pressure on myself because I assumed you wanted marriage and babies, but I never even asked you for a timeline and that was stupid of me. But my mum and sister added on to it.” He explained. “They bugged the hell out of me. ‘You’ve been together for years, Ashton! She needs a ring!’ ‘I think she’d look best in a traditional white dress, the fluffy princess kind. She’d make the most beautiful bride.’ ‘She’s going to look so cute pregnant. I can’t wait!’ ‘When are you gonna give me a grandbaby, hon?’ It was like a never ending stream of questions and I just needed it to stop. So instead of telling my mum and sister to shut up, or asking you when you wanted any of it, I ran. And I’m an asshole for it. But I’m an asshole that realizes he loves you, and only you. I’m an asshole who is now ready for whatever you want him to do. I want so desperately to fix this, my love. Please let me?”Hearing his voice crack as he tried not to break down was hard. I wanted to continue being mad at him, but I couldn’t. Because Ashton wouldn’t apologize if he wasn’t really sorry. And I would be lying if I said that I didn’t love Ashton with my entire heart.“Are you ready for the level of commitment it takes to move back in?” I asked, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.“Fuck yes!” He gasped as he wrapped his arms around me. “Sleeping on a twin bed with a body pillow didn’t come close to sleeping next to you.”