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It's honestly tough being in a household where you’re not able to have an interest in other things. My fashion sense is different from most and it seems like my adoptive parents dislike it. They aren't really the most supportive of what I want to do. So to satisfy them, I only wear what I want in the privacy of my own room. When we go out I dress "moderately" so I don't “embarrass” them.
My life is even harder because I'm not the same race as my adoptive parents. They're both your picture perfect white family with a son and twin daughters. I only tolerate my brother Jason. He allows me to embrace my personality and even takes me out on sibling dates. The twins, Jessa and Lynn, however, are not so… happy. My parents are in no way shape or form racist but the twins… seem to have differing opinions.
The way they act in front of their own friends is so degrading. They call me “blackie” at school which of course is predominantly white. But even then, I don’t have black friends because of my white family background; The think I'm stuck up. I don't even hang out with my family at school and although my brother loves me, he rarely looks in my direction.
Now I'm just stuck in a rut because it's the beginning of junior year and I still have no friends to help me survive.
"Leana, let’s go we don't wanna be late!" I groaned whilst leaving the comfort of my bed. Today I went with a basic white long sleeve with black jeans and a pair of checkered vans. The most basic outfit known to man. "Wow! Leana you look nice today." My mom says as I internally roll my eyes.
I feel like she does it to spite me or to convince me to change how I dress. It's not gonna work. "Although you could straighten your hair and look even more presentable." she says as she pulls on a strand of my curls. That's one thing I will not be guilted into doing. Straightening my hair is a slap to my face and my culture. Also, don't think my parents didn't allow me to learn about my culture. They aren’t that close minded, but it also doesn't mean that they understand.
"Yeah well it won't happen anytime soon. I like my hair." She scoffs and walk out to the car. I took my place in the back seat and fastened my seatbelt.
"Alright off we go."
-----------------------------
"Have a great day kids! Mommy loves you!" I gave a smile that was more like a grimace and made my way towards the school."Hey porch monkey." Ah yes, the daily "keep the negro away" speech from the rotten cabbages called the twins.
"Mayo packet 1 and 2? Looking extra pasty this morning. The lip injections really do it for you."
They scoffed at me and began their daily degradation. "You know the rules. Don't touch, talk, or text us. We don't know you. You don't know Jason either cotton picker. Got it?"
I walked away instead. I don't have time for their daily monologues.
The first week is usually a free week. Our counselor have special consultations for the classes we need. Our school is separated into 3 campuses, Elementary, Middle school and High School. We usually choose a major in middle school and stick with it through our highschool careers like nursing, music, theatre, science, etc. They do branch off into subgroups, of course, but that's a different story.
I chose two majors for myself: Fashion design and art. The only two things that allow me to express myself freely. My personal escape where and I can create my own reality
"Ouch!" And there goes my reality.
"Watch it keebler elf." I look up and see my brothers best friend, Triston. "Hello to you too Triston." I used to have a crush on him until he made out with one of the twins and made it very clear he doesn't enjoy breathing the same air as me.
"Yeah whatever. Where's Jason?" He asked. As I got up,I brushed the dirt off my clothes and looked him in the eyes, glaring.
"Do I look like my brother's keeper? Follow the smell of your asshole since he kisses it so much."
He scoffed as I walked away. The only person I would never let walk over me is him. He's an absolute jackass and I couldn't care less of what he thought of me. I traveled to my art class and chilled in there while drawing a few designs for a closet cosplay for a classmate. Princess Kida from Atlantis was one of the best ones I've done yet.
"Leana! You're here? How was summer break?" Said the voice of my favorite teacher, Mr. Ferrell.
"Hey Mr. Ferrell how's the family been? I heard little Emma got into her dance school." I could see his expression brightening at the thought of her.
"She's been amazing as soon as she got there. What about you?" I held back a bitter chuckle and smiled though it didn't reach my eyes.
"Just fine.”
He patted my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic smile. “Hey why don't you take this to the office for me? Mrs. Kim has been breathing down my neck for this document.” I shrugged and made my way towards the principal's office. Of course on the way I see those skunk tailed bitches I live with along the way.
“Sup moon cricket?” The twins cackled, their voices sounding like nails on a chalkboard. I kept walking as if they were not in my line of sight.They seemed upset that they didn't get a response from me judging by the way Jessa scoffed as I walked past.
I made my way into the office and greeted the secretary. “Well hello Leana. It's good to see you this morning. You need the principal?”
“Yes, Mr. Ferrell has a document that needs to be turned in. Could I hand it to her?” She pointed me towards the office while answering the phone. Upon entering the office I could hear her speaking to someone. “ Please make friends this school year. I don't want you to be alone again.” I heard a deeper groan . “I'll try-” The door was pulled open and I tumbled in, landing on top of someone.
“Never thought I'd actually be able to pull a chick. literally. ” The voice said, laughing.
I nervously chuckled and stood up, pulling him with me. “Oh! Leana how have you been?” I gave her a small smile.
“I've been fine. Mr. Ferrell has asked me to turn this into you.” I passed her the document quickly and as I tried to leave, she spoke up again.
“Leana wait a second please! I need to introduce you to someone.” I let out an internal sigh and faced her again. “This is my son, Namjoon. He's never been in a public school before.” I nodded towards him.
“What school did you attend before this?”
I was surprised once more by his deep voice. “I went to an all boys school. It wasn't much fun for me.” He chuckled, exposing a dimple. I gave him a small smile. “I can imagine. Boys stink.” We shared a quick laugh and I could feel Mrs. Kim smiling at us.
“Well then, since you are both getting along so well, why don't you show Joonie around the school?” She teased.
“ Mom ! Please don't call me that in school. It's embarrassing.” How cute I thought. She pinched his cheeks and sent us out.
“Sorry. My mom dotes on me a lot. You know how parents are.” Sure if you aren't an adopted outcast.
“Sure…” I drawled.. What courses have you decided to take? You look like the sports type if anything.”
He scoffed. “Just because I'm tall doesn't mean I play basketball or anything like that. I'm going into music production. I’ve been rapping since I was 14 so I might as well take it to the next level with producing.”
Impressive. “Nice. I’m an art and fashion design major. I really love clothing, although today is one of my most basic ensembles.” He stepped back and scanned my outfit. I shuffled my feet nervously and waited for his input.
“You're right.” I blinked. He must have noticed my reaction and began to explain. “I’m into fashion as well. I have an Instagram and I upload pictures of what I wear on a daily basis.” Just when I thought the conversation was going well the twins decided to curse us with their presence.
“Oh? Who's your little friend Lee?” I rolled my eyes in annoyance before I decided to remind them of what I was told this morning.
“I’m sorry, have we met? I don't quite remember.” Their eyes widened with shock.
“Wait! We-” I turned towards Namjoon and continued our little talk.
“Joon you wanna head to the music wing of the school? I know the teacher so I can introduce you okay?”
He stared quizzically at me for second before nodding. “You two have a nice day! See you around I guess?” I said before linking arms with Namjoon and walking away. I know I’m gonna pay for that later but damn that felt good.
“What was that all about? You know them or something?” Namjoon asked curiously. Should I be honest or keep him in the dark? He might as well know, it's not like the entire school doesn't already know. He’ll find out eventually.
“Yeah. I do,” I sighed heavily. “But they aren't people you want to associate with.” I already know there's gonna be tons of questions.
“How do you know them? Why do they look so…” he paused. “Well…. like that ?” I began doubling over in laughter and he looked at me as if I had two heads.. “What? Did I say something wrong?”
I waved it off. “To answer your first question, they’re my evil sisters. I'm adopted but they don’t like me and want me to pretend I don't know them at school. So, as you can see, I did just that. To answer your second question, you'll have to take that up with our parents.” He let out a deep chuckle.
“Can't argue with that I guess. So are you really leading me in the right direction like you said?” He asked, nudging my side. I nudged him back in retaliation and he almost flew into the locker.
My hands flew over my mouth. “Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to push so hard.” I walked closer to him when he seemed to be groaning in pain until I caught a hint of a smile.
My concerns immediately flew out of the window and I started walking away. “You didn't believe me did you?” he said still giggling between words. I tried pushing him away from me but he barely moved.
I pretended to be uninterested. “Nope, I wasn't. I don't even know you like that anyway.” I could see him smirking in my peripheral. I looked at him with a scowl. “Why are you staring at me?”
"‘Cause you're cute.” My jaw dropped slightly. Is he serious right now? Me? Cute? “Close your mouth or a fly will go in. What's wrong with saying you're cute?”
I felt my face heat up. “Nothing it's just… I've never been called cute in these circumstances. Nevermind let’s just hurry up and go to the music wing.” I began to walk quickly almost missing the sign that said “ MUSIC PRODUCTION .”He began to look around in amazement at all the high-end technology they had, something I know nothing about. I spotted a familiar figure and called out to him. “Mr. Jones! How have you been?”
He spun around taking his long dreaded hair with him and peered at me through his glasses. “Ah, Miss Leana,” Mr. Jones shifted his attention to the boy standing next to me. “What have we here? Someone interested in this course?” Namjoon shook the man's hand and introduced himself.
“I've always wanted to pursue my dream of being an artist. I plan on taking this course and acing it as well.” Mr. Jones patted his shoulder and nodded in approval.
“I know a good student when I see one. Come by later and I'll show you around. Until then Leana take care of him.” He pointed at me playfully and I snorted.
“He's not a child. He'll come back to you, don't worry.” I lead Namjoon back outside the classroom and I thought he would walk off but he kept following me. I turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “You're not gonna explore a bit more?” He shrugged a little.
“I wanna keep hanging out with you. Why explore when I have you here?” I began to squint because all of these random compliments seemed like a scam. Why is he so adamant on being my friend? He would gain absolutely nothing but the title of being friends with the weirdo. Is this all an elaborate plan to embarrass me when the time comes? He noticed my expression and spoke up. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”
“Did someone pay you to be here?” He blinked. He was about to say something but I cut him off. “Did your mom tell you I was a loser and asked you to be my friend or something? This isn't adding up,even new kids can point out a loser from a mile away, so why are you being so nice?” I slightly ran out of breath by the end of my little rant. But I looked up and he stared back at me as if he'd been hurt. “Look, I know I may sound harsh. It's not that I don't want to be your friend-”
He scoffed. “Well that's not what it sounds like to me. It sounds to me like you don't want friends because when they find out, people are gonna call you a loser,that they will suddenly disappear and never speak to you again right?” I took a small step back. Yeah he was right, but what does he know about being an outcast? He looks like he has it all together. “I don't know what you're thinking but I would never do that to someone when I am the exact same way. You're not the only one who struggles Leana,” I instantly felt guilty. “But since I'm obviously not wanted here I'll go.”
I watched as he walked away and strangely it felt like a piece of me left with him. Suddenly, a familiar feeling rose in me: Abandonment. It wasn't like I haven't dealt with it before. But with every step I took in the opposite direction, it hurt just a little more.
♤♧◇♡
I checked the time to find out its lunch hour. Luckily we have the choice to be on or off campus, so I planned to visit my favorite diner. Namjoon would probably like it there. I need to apologize to him for what I said. Then again it shouldn't be my fault for having such insecurities. But I was wrong for judging him while being blinded by my own issues.
I let out a sigh and went to find him. Maybe he's found the library by now. As I roamed the halls I bumped into my brother and his friends. “Oh look! Lame-ana.” I gave him the stalest facial expression possible.
“I knew you were half white but not that white. Do better. Anyway I’m looking for someone and if you would be so kind as go about your merry day, I would very much appreciate that.” I deadpanned. Jason shrugged and kept walking with his little ass kisser friends following behind him like lost puppies. If anything they're the real losers.
I finally made my way into the library and as I expected, there he was. I quietly walked over to his space and tapped his shoulder. She silently looked over and I watched as his expression deflated. “Oh. Hey.” I gave a small pout.
“I came here to apologize for what I said. I never should have judged you before even finding out who you really are. It's just that my whole life had been filled with bullshit friends and infuriating siblings who don't give a crap about me. That's why I'm so scared to make friends. I am afraid that one day someone is going to abandon me again and I'm even more afraid about how I'll react when it happens.” His expression softened into one of empathy.
“So, again, I'm really sorry and I’d like if we can start over by going to my favorite diner for lunch. They have amazing milkshakes.” Suddenly there was a shift in aura and as I glanced up at him again I saw the most beautiful, blinding smile and the cutest pair of dimples I had ever witnessed in my entire life. Maybe it was just me but I swear I gasped.
“Sounds good to me. I'm sorry as well. I should've tried to understand and instead I pushed all the blame onto you. Let's push that aside and head to this diner you speak of.” He pinched my cheek and brushed past me out of the fantasy section we were in.
I don't understand this feeling, but I want it last for the rest of my Highschool years.
After eating we took a walk around our school garden and chatted for a bit. He told me a lot about how he was one of the smartest kids in the school back in Korea and that he was bullied for it. “Stereotypical isn't it? I never thought it would happen to me though. My mom had us move here 2 years ago, the main reason being that my dad was transferred out here.”
“So how did you learn English or were you always fluent?” I asked stopping to sit on a nearby bench.
“I taught myself. I'm a smartass remember?” He tried to laugh it off but I nudged his shoulder.
“Yea so what you're a smartass. You'll be getting into your dream school while they'll be left behind not knowing what they want to do.” I said, a bit of my frustration seeping through.
“I think it's okay for people to not have a dream. At one point I didn't either. I was so caught up in it that I didn't use that time to just be myself and have fun as a kid. Mostly because my parents pressured me into getting an office job or something along those lines. Then I found music and the rest is history.” He stares back at me and let out a small chuckle. “I'm sorry did I bore you?”
I gave a smirk and shook my head. “Not at all. It’s something about the way you speak that commands my attention and you have this weird way with words that makes you easy yet hard to understand. It's fascinating really.” I found myself playing with his hands again.
“Do you always do this?” He asked leisurely letting his hand fall so allowing me to fumble with them even more.
I shrugged. “I don't know why I do it. My sisters used to let me all the time as kids but suddenly it stopped and I haven't found any other way to cope. Why? Does it annoy you?”
“Not at all. Just wondering. So I have a quick question. You already call me Joon as a nickname so...can I call you Lulu?” For some odd reason hearing that name made me nostalgic. Then I remembered my mother used to call me that.
“Sure. I don't mind, Joonie.” He let out a loud groan and tossed his head back.
“I thought you'd forget about that encounter.” He whined. I snickered and hesitantly leaned on his shoulder. “You know, I never thought I would feel this close to someone so fast.”
“Same. It's strange honestly. It's almost as I'd we knew each other in a past life. Maybe we're platonic soulmates.” He let out a deep chuckle.
“Maybe. So, when does school end?” He asked. No sooner than he said that the bell rang. “Well now I know. Do you walk home?” I sat up from his shoulder and stretched.
“Nope. My parents drove me but I could walk. Why?” He shrugged.
“I wanted to know if your parents would let us hang out someday. Not today though I'm still adjusting to my new home.” I nodded in understanding.
We walked to the front of the school where I was my parents waiting for me. “Wait. Let me give you my number.” I heard him yell before I could start walking. I handed him my phone and let him type it in hurriedly before rushing to my parents car.
“See you later!” I waved from the car and watched his dimples reappear.
As we drove off my mom looked back at me in curiosity. “W-what?” She let out a small giggle.
“Who was that? Potential boyfriend?” I scoffed at the idea. “Oh don't tell me he's just a friend! Not with those dimples!” I covered my face in embarrassment.
“Mom! I just met him today. He's the principal's son. He's really nice and we get along nicely.” She rolled her eyes. “He asked if we could walk home together and hang out tomorrow. I wanted to take him to the library since we have the same interests in literature. You know he taught himself English as well! Honestly it's amazing I never thought I'd meet a nice friend like hi-”
Suddenly the tell-tale cackle and slam of rear door was heard followed my me being kicked in the back of my chair. “Shut up nerd! As if someone as hot as him would be your friend.”
The twins cackled once more before my mom glared at them. “Jessa. Lynn. Shut it.” I heard Jason say. Mom softly smiled at him and finally drove us home.
♤♡◇♧
I made my way up to my room and shut the door before anyone could bother me then opened my phone to see a text from Namjoon.
Joon: Hey did you ask her abt walking home?
Me: yea but she kept smiling all weird and stuff. I guess it's fine with her.
Joon: Okay cool. I'm still unpacking do you want to FaceTime?
I looked around my room and noticed it was already clean but I think I've had more than enough Joon for a day.
Me: Nah. I'm gonna take a quick nap before dinner. Good luck Joonie
Joon: Curse you. Thanks ;)
I put my phone on the charger and lied down towards the foot of my bed. Suddenly this happy feeling in my chest bloomed. I'd never thought I would find a friend on the same intellectual level as me or anyone who cared to look in my direction for that matter. Being alone has made me realize a lot of things. It's never a nice feeling because as soon as you find someone who leaves you too soon, you're stuck with an entirely new wave of loneliness.
That argument with Joon earlier made me think about how I've gotten used to being mistreated and now I really believe I deserve better for myself.
I rolled myself off my bed and looked towards my armoire filled with my “crazy” outfits and a smile spread across my face. Maybe it is time for a change.
Leana Leanas Outfit
The next morning I received something that has never happened to me. An actual 'Good Morning' text. I was pleasantly surprised which reminded me of what I was going to do today.
I rolled out of bed and started my morning routine. Which involves having to keep those butt munching twins out of damn bathroom. "Get out Jessa. NOW! You have your bathroom." She scoffed in my face. "We all know your bathroom has the best lighting. Get over it monkey." I grabbed her cellphone and tossed it out of my room. "Now go fetch grease face." Her face turned beet red as she stomped out of my room. I started to fix my hair and give my curls more life then started on my makeup. I decided to go with a bit of a more soft vibrant look today with my outfit.
I put my hair in protective twist the night before and I quickly accessorized with my hair jewelry. I looked myself in the mirror "You are beautiful. You are inspiring. You are wanted. You are amazing. You are Leana." I said to myself before going down for breakfast and receiving shocked reactions at my clothes. "Um...Leana! Good Morning? W-what um, are you wearing? I've also never seen you wear your hair like that."
"Um..clothes? My hair is usually like this before I untwist them but I saw another girl with her hair like this so I decided to do this instead." I said confidently while snatching a plate of sausage away from my brother. My father smiled at me fondly. "I love it. You look beautiful Lulu." I smiled back at him. "Thanks dad." My mother seemed to give him a bit of a side eye and then cleared her throat. "So! You seem to be experimenting! I like it too!" I gave her a questionable look and an uneasy smile before going back to eating.
"So wanna tell dad who you were hanging with Leana? He was pretty hot. Why don't you introduce us?" I stared Jessa and Lynn dead in the eye as they smirked and waited for my reaction. "No." I stated with a straight face and went back to eating. Dad and Jason stifled a laugh. "What do you mean no? Its only polite!"
"Well, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself when you see him?" She turned her nose up at me and left the table. "Alright I guess it's time to go to school." I quickly checked my phone and saw Joon texted me he was at the convenience store and I realized that's the closest one to me. "Not me dad! I'll be walking today. See you!"
I don't think I realized how far this store actually is. The closer I got the closer my vision was to fading and totally collapsing. Yeah...maybe this wasn't the smartest move. I seriously could've grabbed a bike.
"Hey Joon!" I said trying to catch my breath. Okay maybe that wasn't exactly the closest. He stood and laughed at me for a good five minutes. "I'm sorry, you just looked so ridiculous calling my name. Here have some water." I took a big gulp just to spite him but he did only smiled and took it back from me. "Alright lets go."
There was definitely a bit of an awkward silence. "So I see your outfit is a big step up from yesterday. You look cute." I tried to control my smile. "Thank you, though my mom was a bit shocked. She thinks it's an 'experiment'." He snorted. "How long ago did she adopt you? Cause it seems like she doesn't even know you." I scoffed. "They adopted me when I was 9. Honestly I sometimes feel like a charity experiment. Like she was trying to prove she wasn't racist or something because she treats me like a white daughter. My dad just kinda goes with anything I like and he never judges me. But my mom? 'Straighten your hair Leana' 'Don't sit in the sun too long!' 'Oh! Your hair is big today! Next time we'll tame it,' Like what hell am I supposed do? Look like Jessa and Lynn?"
I didn't even realize I had ranted for so long until I saw the school right in front of me. "Sorry, you had hear all of my issues. We barely know each other." He patted my shoulder. "No it's really no big deal. You sound very frustrated. I just hope you can talk to your mom and get her to understand that you're not white. But until then I've gotta get to class. See you when I see you?" I gave a small smile and waved him off.
I made my way to the office since I'd finished most of my junior classes online during the summer and decided to become an office aid. My reason fir is so that I don't have to sit hear people talk about me or shove pens and pencils in my hair. I just can't understand what is so unlikable about me. I stared at my desk mirror to look see if there actually was a problem. Is it because my skin is darker than all of the other black girls here? They're all pretty much light-skinned or racially ambiguous looking with loose curls and I'm pretty much the opposite. I don't and will never hate myself because of how I look. I absolutely love and feel confident in my skin. But it does feel lonely when it's just you that looks like you.
I took a deep breath to clear my mind and started organizing my assigned paperwork before the secretary calls my name to scream about the guidance counselor messing up yet another schedule.
"Hey Leana!" I stopped clearing my desk to look up and see Joon. "Oh? Hey! What brings you here?" He lifted his lunch bag. "To have lunch of course. Though you seem kind of busy." I chuckled. "No I'm just finishing up. Let me grab my lunch and I'll show you the botanical gardens. We can eat there instead of this stuffy office or the wasteland cafeteria."
The moment we entered the hallway I could feel the vile presence of my sisters. "Oh my gosh! Hi Leana! Care to introduce us to your friend?" they said with a eerily scary smile. I sighed deeply. "This Namjoon Kim the principal's son. He just transferred here. Namjoon this is Jessa and Lynn." He reached and shook both their hands. Suddenly all I heard was Korean flying out of his mouth. I stared bewildered but highly amused when the twins suddenly turned pale.
"Um sorry. We don't speak Chinese." They stormed away and I burst into laughter. "What the hell?! I did not expect that." I said between breaths. "Please they looked very annoying to talk to and I didn't feel like speaking slowly so they could understand me." I lightly shoved him. "Thanks." We finally reached the gardens and sat down to eat.
"Wow this is amazing. I miss being able to ride my bike through the parks of Seoul. It's always so calming and peaceful." I could see the look of longing in his eyes. "I take it you used to do this with someone?" He chuckled. "Guess you caught me. I am a little homesick. I miss my friends so much. Jimin and Hoseok would ride with me sometimes and he we'd somehow end up by the Han River eating ramen and just having an amazing time. Yoongi would make music with me and we'd end up freestyling the whole night about whatever it is that we did that day." I saw his eye glistening so I reached out to touch his shoulder.
"It's great that you had so many friends. I'm sure they miss you just as much. If anything I envy you. I wish I had people who miss me. Who knows? Maybe they'll visit one day." He sniffled a little and looked at the sky. "Yea maybe. You're a great friend Lulu." We sat and talked about all his fun times in Korea while I played with the rings on his fingers. Listening to him somehow bring me immense peace to me. "Hey Lulu?"
"Yea?" I said as I turned to face him. "What was your most beautiful moment in life?" My mind suddenly drew a blank. Was there ever a time where I thought, 'I want this to last forever.' ?" "Well Joon, I guess I'd have to say right now is the most beautiful moment in life for me, I feel at peace and I'm not thinking about the things that make me miserable." He faced me and gave me the biggest smile. "I was kind of hoping you'd say that."