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“Hindi ako mangga.”
Felicidad remembers that enough. She’s replayed it a dozen times in her mind, far more than the images of soldiers during the flight to the North. The visions never stop. She thinks of the parties, all the love she had lost, and came through. Circling on mahogany floors, the clapping. Her brother, when he was still magnificent, and revered.
Ate
Hilaria grinning, or tending to her children. Then of course, that Goyo with the ladies on his arm
Ah, that Remedios Nable Jose. Remedios with her lovely small mouth, her beautiful ebony locks that waves at the ends, that straight nose. Her grace, with those eyes and the delicacy to her movements. Every finger on her hand moved with delicacy. Every word she said, the song of an angel from heaven.
That Remedios. For all Feli’s passive-aggression, perhaps there was a cut to her memories, to that young woman who Goyo last loved. A mere memory. It was funny how life turned out.
Oh, she would have given anything perhaps. To whisper in the young lady’s ear. To hold and press her against her, strands of hair brushing smooth skin. Or give her hand an innocent squeeze.
Perhaps it would have made a difference. But maybe… was it enough?
*
It was midday, when Felicidad received a visitor. The air was foggy, the room a bit too stuffy for her liking. It was too quiet - she missed the visitors, the dancing. And she missed Kuya Miong. Perhaps, even Kuya Pole. Ate Hilaria had not been feeling too well altogether; they’d separated her from Ate Hilaria.
“At sino naman to?” Feli put her cup to her mouth. Taken a delicate sip.
“Basta gusto ka po niya makita, Binibini.”
Might as well. Feli lifted her chin. She adjusted her skirt. She was Miong’s little sister - she had to look the part. Her earrings moved with her, her hair tied up.
But it was Remedios Nable Jose who came through. Her eyes were subdued. And on her ring was a ring.
So she had not chosen Goyo, after all.
“Paumanhin,” murmured Remedios. She blushed - a little too prettily, Feli thought. “Pinuntahan kita para ipaalam sa iyo na iba ang pinili ko.”
“Bakit naman?”
Breathe. Perhaps she came off impertinent - but she felt it. The space suddenly became more compact.
Remedios’ breath, a sweet nothing in her ear. And Remedios pressed against her… It felt so real.
“Sa tingin mo ba, hindi ko alam ang halaga ko?” And she laughed, like the first time in a long while.
But Feli’s breath faltered.
“... narinig kong ikakasal ka na.”
“Ah, tama ka nga. Pero naiintindihan naman niya ako.” A beat. “At aking mga.. Kinakailangan.”
But their eyes met.
“Alam ko hindi madali - “
Feli found herself sighing. “Hindi si Goyo ang iniisip ko, Remedios.”
Remedios’ face softened. She reached for Feli’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “Sinulatan niya ako nang isang huling pagkakataon.”
“At ano sabi mo?”
Remedios brushed. This time, too close. This time, it was intimate. No one was bound to hear it.
“Felicidad, hindi ko naman talaga siya minahal. Iba ang gusto. Iba ang mahal ko.”
“Sino?”
But it was a rustle.
“Ikaw.”
And then she reacted. She would recall it later - like a piece of art in a gallery, collecting every bit, every fragment. The taste of her lips were sweet, her smell flowerlike. Her skin, smooth. Soft to the touch. Pretty little looks, small little touches.
*
Mahal kong Felicidad,
Sumusulat ako para sabihing buntis ako sa unang anak ko. Salamat sa pagdalo sa aking kasal. Nagustuhan namin nina Fernando ang munti mong regalo. Walang tatalo sa me pabango mong pasalubong.
-Remedios Arce
Isang paalala: baliktarin mo ang papel.
Feli flipped the page.
Wala pa ring tatalo sa iyo, mahal kong Felicidad.
Felicidad smiled. She held the letter to her chest. The smell of summer, of mangoes, the monsoon, soft touches and hot breath.
Masaya na siya.