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Chapter
One: Interrupted
Dicks
the Fungal Badger gently slid two fingers into Lamey Blows the
Hedgehog's butthole. "Wow," said Lamey, "I wasn't
expecting that!""I'm
glad," said Dicks, "if you start getting predictable,
that's when they get ya."
"Who?"
asked Lamey."Pod
People, Illuminati, the IRS, take your pick."
"Mmm,"
groaned Lamey, "you feel so much better inside me than that
awful Dr. Robuttnik.""You
fucked Rocuckednik?" said Dicks."Not
by choice, he captured me and then pounded me with a strap-on for two
hours straight," explained Lamey."A
strap-on?""Yeah,
all the Viagra in the world couldn't make him stiff and he couldn't
screw me with a floppy fire-hose, now could he?""Yuck.
Can we change the subject?"
Lamey
reached in to kiss Dicks on the lips but they were interrupted by a
knock at the door. "Hey, it's Fuckles, let me in!""Quick,
get your fingers outta my ass Dicks." Lamey rose to her feet and
hurried over to the door. Fuckles the Echidna barged in as soon as
she unlocked it.
"You
gotta help me," said Fuckles frantically, "I got a big
problem.""Oh
Fuckles," replied Lamey, "Have you forgotten how to tie
your shoelaces again?""Yes,
but that's not why I'm here. Something serious has happened.
Robuttnik captured Twats. I tried to stop him, but he threw this
necklace at me and it hit me square in the forehead.""Eww,
Fuckles," said Dicks, "Those are anal beads. They haven't
been used have they?""That
explains this mysterious brown substance," said Fuckles, holding
the beads up to his nose."Eww,
eww, eww," cried Lamey, "Get that thing outta my house
right now!" Fuckles hurled the beads out of the window."Aargh!"
came a cry from outside. They all ran out to find Colonic the
Hedgehog laying on the ground with the beads wrapped around his neck.
"Nice
necklace Colonic, where'd you get it from?" Said Fuckles.Colonic
just scowled at him. He then noticed the concern on Dicks' and
Lamey's faces. “What's up you guys?” he asked."We
gotta go rescue Twats. Come on. I'll explain on the way, Colonic,"
said Dicks."Wait,"
said Lamey, "How are we going to get to Robuttnik's lair without
Twats here to fly the plane?"
"I'll
get my swimming costume," said Fuckles."No
way!" barked Colonic, "I'm not swimming!""We'll
have to build a raft," said Dicks. "Fuckles, You go get
wood.""I'm
way ahead of ya," said Fuckles, pointing at his enormous
erection."No.
I mean wooden logs. We can't build a raft out of your stiffened
junk."
"Oh
right. I'm on it!" said Fuckles enthusiastically."Lamey,
you go get some twine to tie the wood together. Oh, and some fabric
for a sail.""Aye,
aye," replied Lamey."And
Colonic, you go dump those anal beads as far away from here as
possible. Ugh!" Colonic sped off into the distance. Dicks
stroked her chin. "I'll get some sea shells to use as
camouflage. This thing's gonna be awesome."
Chapter Two: Robuttnik's PrizeDr.
Robuttnik eyed Twats the Two-Twatted Fox menacingly. "Now listen
here, goober. I've invented a fucking machine designed specifically
to fuck your two twats simultaneously. At 50,000 revolutions per
minute! It has been ready for weeks and finally I get to try it out."
Robuttnik yanked away a bed-sheet to reveal his terrifying
contraption underneath. Twats cowered at the sight, though felt
slightly impressed by the Doc's smooth sheet yanking.
"Sir!"
came a voice from the other room."Whorebot,
what is it? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?"
Robuttnik replied.
"Pubebot
has clogged the sink again."
"Blast!
We don't want a repeat of last time. The whole lair flooded. Hold on
Twats, I'll come back and deal with you later," said Robuttnik
as he scurried out of the room. "Oh, Whorebot, you stay here and
guard that little yellow goober. Whatever you do, don't let him out
of that cage! It would be real swell if you didn't screw things up
this time.""Yes
sir."Whorebot
turned to Twats. "So... I see you have two twats. A guy having
one twat would be awfully unusual by itself, but two? That's just
unheard of.""What
are you trying to say?" asked Twats."Oh,
nothing. Just not very masculine is it? I can't imagine you'll feel
very manly getting fucked in both twats by Dr. Robuttnik's machine.""Hey.
Take that back! My vaginas are very manly. You know how two negatives
make a positive? Well it's just like that. Two girly bits make a
manly bit. I'm totally macho.""Very
well," said Whorebot.
"You
know," began Twats, "Robuttdick never shows you any
respect. Why do you serve him? He never trusts you with any real
power.""That's
not true, just yesterday he trusted me to make him a grilled cheese
sandwich."
"That's
not real responsibility. Why doesn't he let you have a gun? Or let
you control his robutts? Because he doesn't think you can handle it!""No,
you're wrong. He just gives me the more important jobs, that's all.
Like defrosting the refrigerator.""He
never would have trusted you to guard me if it wasn't for this cage
I'm in. It's the cage he really trusts, not you.""Lies!""So
let me out then. You'd have no problem guarding me even if I weren't
caged up. Show Robuttdick that you can take control. Show him that
you're a force to be reckoned with!"
"Nice
try, but I'm not letting you out. Your tricks won't work on me.""Damn."
"I'm
back," said Robuttnik as he entered the room. "You miss
me?"
"Of
course sir," said Whorebot, obsequious as ever."What
about you, Twats?""No
not at all," replied Twats.
"Well,
that's too bad. Hope you're all psyched up now. Time to get down to
business. 50,000RPM and not a single drop of lube. You're gonna be
sore tomorrow!""You
don't scare me, Buttdick. I can take whatever you throw at me!""It's
not just my machine you'll be taking. I'm going to force my cock into
your mouth too. My cock with its decades worth of crusty smegma
build-up.""You
monster!""Guinness
book of world records came and measured the thickness of my crust.
I'm number one in the world baby! Soon as they print the new edition,
my photo will be in there. I cant wait!"Twats
looked despondent and began to tremble."Now,
you may have heard the rumours about me having erectile dysfunction,
but I've located a rare plant which contains a potent compound that
gets me raging like nobody's business. I had these pills made from
it." Robuttnik opened his hand to reveal a small white tablet
which he then tossed into his mouth.
"Hahahahaha!
And that's not all. You didn't think I'd leave your asshole out of
this did you? Reveal yourself, Shaghoe the Edgehog." Shaghoe
stepped out from behind a curtain, 10 inches of flaccid winkie
swinging between his legs.“This
is Shaghoe and he shags hoes. Shaghoe by name, Shaghoe by nature,”
said Robuttnik.“Shagging
hoes is all I know,” said Shaghoe. His voice was cold and
intimidating and his face was vacant, save for a subtle glimmer of
deeply buried hatred that threatened to boil to the surface.
"Strap on your
skates Shaghoe, we're going in!" said Robuttnik. Shaghoe's knob
began to rise majestically. From 10 inches it grew further and
further and further, like a Pinnochio's nose of cock. Shaghoe looked
Twats straight in the eye the whole time. Twats' eyes watered at the
prospect of accomadating this abomination."You
at full mast yet?" probed Robuttnik.
"I'm
ready," said Shaghoe in a deep and sinister voice that let Twats
know he meant business. Whorebot carefully unlocked the cage and
grabbed Twats by his arms. Robuttnik grabbed his legs and together
they bent Twats over a nearby gym horse and tied him down. Shaghoe
took position at the rear while Whorebot set up the fucking machine.
Robuttnik unsheathed his cock, holding it an inch away from Twats'
nose. The stench of smegma was overpowering. Tears streamed from
Twats' eyes.
"Please
don't do this," he begged. Whorebot flicked a switch on the
machine and several indicators lit up. He delicately turned one of
the many knobs and the machine juddered into life, sliding in and out
of Twats' twats at a pace that could only be described as glacial.
"Come
on Whorebot, give it some gas!" said Robuttnik. Whorebot grabbed
the knob and wrenched it all the way round to 50,000 RPM. The machine
jolted and roared like a jet engine. Suddenly it began brutally
tearing into Twats at lightning speed. Twats let out a chilling
scream of pain. Next, Shaghoe rammed his monster member straight up
Twats' ass, tearing his sphincter open in a shower of blood.
"I've
gained entry," said Shaghoe almost sounding bored.
"Good
job," said Robuttnik as he slipped his rancid pork sword into
Twats' mouth causing Twats to projectile vomit, splashing Robuttnik
from head to toe in chunder. Undeterred, Robuttnik thrusted his
trouser snake hard down Twats' throat, the dry crusty coating tearing
into his gullet. Twats vomited again, this time throwing up blood
that soaked into Robuttnik's smegma, turning it bright red."This
is what love is all about, eh Twats?" said Robuttnik, grinning
wildly. "Your cretinous little rodent pals haven't come to save
you this time. They probably don't miss you at all. Don't worry,
you'll get to see them again. At your funeral. Hahaha!"
Chapter Three: PreparationHundreds
of wooden logs were piled up in front of Lamey's house. Fuckles stood
proudly overlooking them. "Wow, great work," said Dicks."Thanks,"
said Fuckles, "Getting wood is what I'm best at.""Uh
huh," said Dicks."Hey!"
cried Lamey, "what's the big idea?"
"What's
wrong?" asked Dicks."My
door won't open, I can't get out.""Fuckles,"
Dicks began, "Did you dump all that wood in front of Lamey's
door?""Yeah.
So?" said Fuckles.Dicks
slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand. "How is she
supposed to get out with all those logs blocking the door?""Hmm.
Didn't think of that.""Get
'em shifted, Fucks.""Yes
sir.""And
don't call me sir.""Sorry,
chief." Fuckles began dragging the logs one by one to clear a
path to Lamey's door.
Colonic
zoomed back, having disposed of the beads. "How's the raft
coming along, Dicks?""We
have the materials, we just need to get Lamey out." She nodded
towards the pile of logs."Hey,
I found a way out through the window," explained Lamey as she
walked up to Dicks and Colonic, clutching an old bed-sheet and a ball
of twine.
"Great,
you can help me get Lamey out," said Fuckles as he spotted her.
"Err,
I
am
out."
"That
was fast," said Fuckles."Can
we get this thing built already?" said Dicks.Over the
course of the afternoon, the raft slowly came together. After three
hours of hard labour the team stood back to admire their handiwork.
"That's
one fine looking raft," said Colonic.“Yeah,
that's the raftiest raft I ever saw!” said Dicks. They all
turned to each other, confused.
“The
author must be having an off day I guess,” said Colonic,
shrugging his shoulders.
“I
hope so,” said Dicks, “because if this is the quality we
can expect from now on, I'm gonna be jumping ship to find a new gig.”"Sooo,
should we give it a name?" asked Colonic."Raft
2000!" suggested Fuckles."No,"
said Colonic, "It's gotta have more pizazz than that. How about,
the SS Colonic!" Everyone groaned.
“What
about, Captain Dicks' Raccoon Pontoon,” said Dicks. “Hey
wait a minute, he's gotta be doin' this on purpose. OK, now listen up
Mr. Author man, number one: I'm a badger, not a racoon and number
two: I could never come up with a name that awful, no matter how hard
I tried. Now you get your butt into gear, or I quit!”
"Can
we all stop wasting time," said Lamey, "Or have you
forgotten why we built this thing in the first place?”“To
pad out the story?” said Colonic.“No,
to save Twats! So let's get moving!""Wait!"
said Fuckles, "Where are the wheels?""Wheels?"
snarled Lamey, "It's a raft! Rafts don't have wheels!""Ohhh,
I see," said Fuckles, "Wait, so how's it meant to fly
then?""Aargh!!"
screamed Lamey as she lunged at Fuckles in a fit of rage. The others
held her back.
"Calm
down Lamey," said Dicks as she tried to restrain her, "This
isn't helping."Lamey
sighed, "You're right. Let's just get this raft to the shore."
They
each grabbed a corner of the raft and carefully carried it out to the
beach. "Ugh," groaned Colonic, "Why didn't we just
build this thing on the beach instead of in the village?"
"Keep
going, we're nearly there now," said Lamey."As the
beach came into sight, Dicks spotted something floating in the water.
"Hey, what's that?" As they got closer, it became clearer.
"It looks like a raft," said Colonic."A
raft?" said Lamey.
"Sure,"
said Fuckles, "that thing's been there for ages.""You
knew about this? Are you telling me you knew there was a raft here
this whole time and you let us waste hours building one of our own?"
Lamey could barely contain her anger."Oh,
of course, I'm so stupid!" said Fuckles, "We could've used
that one to base our design off of!""Or
we could have just used that one to cross the water," said
Colonic."Rafts
can do that?" asked Fuckles.Lamey
screamed for what felt like several hours. "That better?"
asked Dicks."A
little," said Lamey. "Well, we got our transport ready,
let's set off.""Hold
on a sec," said Colonic, "We'll need supplies." He
sped off and within two seconds flat he returned clutching a first
aid kit and a bag full of Meh Burgers.
"OK,"
said Dicks, "let's roll."The four
of them boarded the raft and pushed away from the shore. “How're
we going to paddle this thing?” asked Colonic.“I
got it covered,” said Fuckles as he got down on his belly,
dipped his mouth into the water and blew as hard as he could. Bubbles
rose up from the water and the raft slowly moved towards Robuttnik's
lair. “Yarr, it be plain sailin' ahead!” said Colonic in
the best pirate voice he could muster.
Chapter Four: Lighting a Cigarette"You
did some great work today, Shaghoe," said Robuttnik."I
don't need your praise. My work speaks for itself,” said
Shaghoe, nodding towards Twats' limp, ravaged body.“Indeed
it does. Well, I don't know about you, but all this raping has made
me hungry. Prepare a feast Whorebot!""Yes,
sir."“You
want to stay for dinner, Shaghoe?” asked Robuttnik.“No
thank you,” said Shaghoe, “I've got to get back to
Grandma. We're half way through a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle. That
picture of twelve fluffy kittens won't assemble itself.”"Bye
then," said Robuttnik. Shaghoe wiped the remaining blood from
his cock with a towel and then teleported away.“What
an odd fellow,” said Whorebot.
“Hey,
why isn't my feast being prepared?” growled Robuttnik.“Right
on it, sir,” said a startled Whorebot, dashing out of the room
in panic. Robuttnik followed after him, leaving Twats all on his own,
barely conscious and bleeding heavily.
Chapter Five: Help ArrivesThe raft
had made it to Robuttnik's island lair. Colonic felt sea sick and sat
down on a nearby rock. “Impressive blowing, Fuckles,”
said Lamey.“Well,
I've had plenty of practice,” said Fuckles, blushing and
looking over at Colonic with a tender smile. Colonic threw up.The
perimeter wall of the lair towered over them. "How're we gonna
get in there?" asked Dicks. Fuckles walked up to the wall and
gave it a forceful headbutt. The wall crumbled away in an instant.
"How about that," said Dicks, "Fuckles finally used
his head for something."
Colonic
and gang rushed through the broken wall to be greeted with the sight
of Twats bent over, weeping cum and blood from every hole. "Oh
man, what have they done?" said Colonic.
"His
throat is all torn up. You'll have to fuck him back to life,
Colonic!" suggests Lamey, opening up the first aid kit in
preparation. Colonic reached in and pulled out an emergency
cauterizer which he then affixed to his penis.
"Hold
on, little buddy," said Colonic as he slid the cauterizer down
Twats' throat. A jolt of searing pain startled Twats and smoke
billowed out of his mouth. "There you go buddy." The
cauterizer stopped the bleeding in Twats' throat and he tried to
speak. "Robutt...nik ...he *cough* had a ...machine... and"
"Save
your energy Twats, you're lucky to still be alive," said Dicks."Rocuckedicks
is gonna pay for this," said Colonic, clenching his fists.Meanwhile
Fuckles was entertaining himself with a pinball machine he had found
in the corner of the room."Colonic,
we should disinfect Twats' anal wounds," said Lamey."Good
idea," said Colonic. He removed the cauterizer and then poured
disinfectant over his penis before inserting it gently into Twats'
anus.
"You'll
have to get the disinfectant in there real deep," said Dicks.Colonic
pushed in deeper as Twats whimpered in pain."Wiggle
about a bit, make sure to get every spot," instructed Lamey.
Colonic gyrated his hips as Twats winced in agony."Anybody
have a quarter?" asked Fuckles. Everyone turned and glared at
him. "You all forgot to bring your wallets too huh?"Lamey
continued inspecting Twats' injuries. "OK, there are serious
friction burns all over Twats' twats. We're gonna need gauze."Colonic
grabbed the gauze and wrapped it around his hefty member. "Prepare
for entry, Twats."
"Isn't
there some way you can administer these treatments without having to
shove your penis inside me?" Twats wheezed."I
don't see how," said Colonic as he plunged hard into one of
Twats' twats.
“Just
relax,” said Lamey, “we know what we're doing.”"Little
help?" said Fuckles from the corner of the room."What
now?" sighed Lamey."I
got my dick stuck in the coin chute.""How
the hell did you manage that?""Well,
my arm wasn't bendy enough to reach up there, so I had to improvise.""We
don't have time for this, Fuckles, you'll just have to carry the
pinball machine back with us.""Sweet,
I've always wanted one of these things!""Colonic,
are you done treating Twats?""Just
one more thrust," replied Colonic, "Ugh! ...OK, let's go.""So...thirsty,"
groaned Twats.“We
forgot to pack any fluids,” said Colonic.
"I
know!" said Lamey as she began to urinate. "Here you go
Twats." Lamey angled her golden stream at Twats' face. Twats
turned his head away. "Don't waste it," said Lamey,
"there's a limited supply." Twats relented and opened his
mouth to swallow Lamey's golden nectar. "I'm out," she
said."Wait,"
said Dicks, "Let me." Before Twats could object, Dicks
began firing her own jet of amber piss at his face.
"Drink
up little buddy," said Colonic as he stroked Twats' head. After
several reluctant gulps from Twats both Lamey and Dicks had run dry.
"Still thirsty?" asked Colonic as he readied his penis.
"No,
definitely not!" spluttered Twats."Let's
get out of here then," said Lamey."I
can carry him," said Fuckles, "just lay him on the pinball
machine. I can use it as a stretcher." Colonic and Dicks each
grabbed one end of Twats and hauled him up onto the pinball machine.
"Don't
drop him, Fuckles," said Colonic."Oh
no, we wouldn't want that," said Dr. Robuttnik, as he entered
the room with Whorebot following closely behind him."Robuttdick!
You've gone too far this time," said Colonic.
"But
I've only just begun. Next up I'm going to rape the rest of you one
by one! Hahahahaha!" Robuttnik reached into his jacket pocket
and produced a laser pistol, a new design fresh from his lab.As if
from nowhere Twats rocketed through the air, knocking Robuttnik to
the ground before he had a chance to fire. The gun flew out of
Robuttnik's hand and Dicks plucked it out of the air.
"I'll
never taste your foul phallus, Buttdick!" cried Colonic. The
others nodded their heads in agreement.Robuttnik
scowled. "With Shaghoe on my side, it's only a matter of time
before...hey wait, what is Flunkles doing with my pinball machine?""His
name is Fuckles," said Lamey."That's
what I said," said Robuttnik. Lamey just rolled her eyes.
"See
ya, Buttdick," said Colonic, lifting Twats over his shoulder.
The gang backed out of the room as Dicks covered them with the laser
pistol."What
happened in there, Fuckles?" asked Dicks."When
you laid Twats down on the pinball machine, his ass-hole was right in
my face. I got an instant boner and since I was still stuck in the
coin chute, the machine flipped up along with my wiener. It launched
him like a catapult," explained Fuckles."If
it wasn't for your inappropriate erections, we'd have been in real
trouble. Good work, Fuckles," said Dicks."Just
doing my duty, Dicks."The five
boarded the raft, along with the pinball machine and set off back to
the village. It had been a long day, fraught with peril, but they
were safe for now. Exhausted, Twats quickly fell asleep while Fuckles
slowly propelled the raft along with his mouth. Colonic held Twats'
hand and whispered to him. “I'll never let Robuttnik capture
you again. I promise, little buddy.”
Fin