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The break room is small, but goddamn is it nice to have the chance to stretch out for a few minutes. My shift’s been too long already, and I’m in the middle of Speaker for the Dead, which, despite all the author’s faults, is still a pretty compelling read. I cuddle into the small bean-bag chair we keep piled in the corner, and I’m just getting comfortable when the door opens and Nissa pokes her head. “I’m really sorry to bother you,” she says, “but I have absolutely no idea how to make this order. Can you help?” Nissa is new, but she’s pretty competent. If she doesn’t know how to make something, that probably means one of our Problem Customers. Great. “What’s the order?” I ask. Maybe I can talk her through it without having to get up. This beanbag chair is awfully comfy. Twisting a hand into her long hair, Nissa takes a deep breath. “Grande Chai Tea Latte, three pump, soy milk, lite water, no foam, extra hot,” she recites. “I—what even is lite water?” she asks me plaintively. It takes me a minute to respond, because my heart’s sinking right into my boots. There’s only one person who ever orders that—that monstrosity. “I’ll—take care of it,” I say numbly. I get up, and there’s a thud as Speaker for the Dead hits the floor. I forgot I was holding it. Doesn’t matter. I shake my head, grab my apron, and follow Nissa back into the main room. Even though I know who is going to be standing at the counter waiting, I still can’t suppress the flinch. She gives me a small smile and deliberately leans forward, because of course she does. And of course, I can’t help the hot flush rising to my cheeks. God, I hate dealing with her. “Liliana,” I say, in as neutral a tone of voice as I can manage. “Traumatizing my trainee?” It’s almost light. It could almost be playful banter, and her smile widens. My stomach flips, and I feel sick, because I can’t stop the sudden rush of longing that floods through me, leaving my heart beating quicker and my breath hitching in my throat. “Oh, darling,” she says. “I meant to say medium, I’m just so used to Starbucks, you know how it is.” “So do you want your Chai monstrosity, or would you rather have something you actually like?” I ask. “Nissa shouldn’t have any trouble with a plain green tea. Gyokuro, right?” “Jace, honestly, I just said that because I wanted to talk to you.” There it is. My heart thumps unpleasantly in my chest. “So green tea, then?” I ask, trying to sound professional. “Please, Jace—” I shut my eyes. “We’ve talked, Liliana. I don’t forgive you. I don’t want to talk anymore, okay? Now, what do you actually want to order?” She presses her lips together angrily. “I’ll have the Chai,” she says finally. Of course she’ll have the Chai. Whatever. Fuck my break, I guess. I’m halfway through making it when my breathing starts getting faster. Shit. “Nissa,” I say urgently, “can you finish this? I—I really need to—” “Are you feeling all right?” Liliana says from the other side of the counter, and, god, she sounds so sincere. I can’t do this. I’m going to start hyperventilating. Shit. “Just a minute, please,” Nissa says pleasantly. She puts a hand under my elbow and starts to lead me back to the break room. “Is this all right?” she murmurs. “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that you two had—history.” Her hand is sturdy under my elbow, and it’s almost overwhelming to have someone react like this. I just wish—I wish I’d had this a year ago. “It’s fine, thank you,” I mutter back. “Are you sure you can finish the drink?” “I’ll figure it out,” Nissa says. “You stay in the back and get your head together.” “I’m sorry,” I manage to get out, and then I’m breathing too fast again. “Jace,” Nissa says, sounding very serious. “I believe in interdependence, and sometimes that means you need to help somebody out. Or let someone else help you out. I will figure it out. Do not worry.” Sitting in the semidarkness of the break room, I try to go back to reading Speaker. Squinting at it forces me to concentrate harder than I might have to normally. After ten minutes, I don’t have a clue what’s happened in the last few paragraphs, but I’m breathing better. Nissa pops her head back in. “She’s gone,” she says. “It’s all clear. There’s no one here but Cat Guy, and he’s studying a vet med textbook and hasn’t moved for the last hour.” I didn’t realize how tense I still was until I feel the way my shoulders relax. “Great. Sorry. How many times did you have to remake her drink for her?” “Only three, and I’m pretty sure the last two were identical. She seems rather spiteful.” “She’s—” I pull a face. I don’t want to say anything nice about Liliana, but I also don’t want to be unfair, “—difficult,” I compromise. Nissa makes a neutral noise. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently. I squirm a little. I don’t, exactly, but it’s probably something she should know, especially if Liliana decides to keep coming back in. Chandra knows, because she was at ground zero for a lot of it, and I think she’s shared some of it with Gideon, though I don’t know how much. It’s come up a couple times when I had to miss work. “Yeah, sure,” I compromise. “If it’s just Cat Guy out there, we can probably chat behind the counter if we’re quiet. I shouldn’t stay back here any longer.” “You’re sure you feel up to being back at the front? You could always call off sick.” I shake my head. “I’ll be fine.” “Okay.” Nissa looks as if she wants to say something else, but she ends up just holding the door for me on the way back out. We stand close together in front of the flavored syrups, and I try to crack a joke. “I mean the biggest sin I’ve committed is that I used to work for Starbucks,” I tell Nissa. “I was rooming with a girl named Vraska back then, which was really awkward, because I was already presenting male but the paperwork hadn’t gone through so—” I pause. My mind is suddenly a roaring blank of panic. I have no idea if Nissa knows or not. She nods. “I’d legally transitioned before the end of high school,” she tells me, “so I didn’t have to worry about that, but I was very lucky.” I blink for a minute, then manage a small smile. “That’s really cool,” I say. My chest is suddenly tight and warm. “I’m. Glad you told me.” “And I’m glad you told me,” Nissa says gently. “So, um, anyway. Things were pretty awkward in my dorm, and I ended up spending a lot of time sleeping over at—at Kallist’s.” Shit, even saying his name is a wrench. I really have to get used to the thought I’m never going to see him again. And I deserve it. “Um. Kallist was my best friend growing up.” We were always in and out of each other’s houses. I still remember when we first met. Some jerk in first grade pushed me into a mud puddle—I don’t even remember why—and Kallist punched him in the face. The bully got a bloody nose, and Kallist got detention, but I was waiting outside with a bouquet of mostly-wilted dandelions that I’d picked for him as a thank-you. “He was my first boyfriend, too. Actually, he’s the only boyfriend I’ve had.” He asked me to Winter Formal sophomore year of high school, and I was sufficiently in love with him that I stuffed myself into a dress and got incredibly drunk on spiked punch trying not to think about the fact I kind of wanted to take my skin off. “When I came out, we broke up—he’s straight—but he was incredibly supportive the whole time.” A few more bullies—all grown up now—ended up with bloody noses. Kallist ended up with more detentions. I didn’t bring him flowers this time, but I did end up getting a motorcycle license so we could go biking together. My parents weren’t thrilled, but I figured I owed him, and honestly it ended up being pretty good for me. I used to be a lot more scared of moving vehicles in general. “So, um, we ended up coming to the same college—good programs for both of us and—and—” I have to take a deep breath, shutting my eyes. My throat is suddenly painful. “Um, anyway. We both started here at the same time, and he, uh, he started dating Liliana pretty early freshman year.” I met her for the first time at a party at Kallist’s place. We were both a little drunk, and we ended up teasing Kallist together, while he grinned and the three of us eventually got involved in a game of Mario Party along with another one of their friends, Baltrice. I thought Lili was drop-dead gorgeous even then, but I tried not to stare. I’ve always been pretty sensitive of not putting girls on the wrong side of the male gaze—being AFAB can get you kind of sensitized to that sort of thing. And I mean, she was Kallist’s girlfriend. I still remember her leaning over and whispering something in my ear, though—I don’t remember what she said, but I remember the warmth of her breath and the way one of her breasts brushed my shoulder. “I’d been working at Starbucks for a few months when Liliana got hired there as well. The owner at the time—his name was Tezzeret, I still don’t know if it was his first name or his last name—he was looking for another barista, and Lili had said she needed another job, so I helped out. And one night, we were working late, and—uh—” She turns to me with something dark lurking behind her eyes. “Jace,” she says, and she takes a step closer to me, closing the distance between us and pressing herself against me. “You’ve been watching me.”
I haven’t. I know I haven’t. I’ve had to try not to, but I have tried, and I thought—I swear—I swear I managed. “Um,” I stammer.
“I don’t mind.” Her eyes flicker shyly down to the floor. “You know you’re—pretty attractive, Jace.”
Liliana’s straight. It hits me right in the vicinity of my stomach, so powerful that I almost stagger against the counter. She’s straight, and she knows I’m trans.
“The thing is,” I say to Nissa, and this is difficult. This is really difficult, but at least I figure she might understand. “Liliana is straight. And she knew I was trans, and she still—I didn’t really think past that.” I’m not sure if I reach for her or if she reaches for me, but somehow I’m pinned back against the counter and her lips are on mine, her hands resting on my thighs. My hands are on the front of her shoulders, close enough to be brushing against the outward curve of her breasts. “So, she um. She cheated on Kallist with me. And I hate saying it that way because it makes it sound like the betrayal was on her side.” Nissa’s face is fixed in an expression that’s half pity and half something else. “Yeah. I know. I—I hate myself for it.” We’re in the back room of Starbucks, and we’ve just closed. Liliana is on top of me, and she’s slowly undoing the buttons of her blouse. “Jace,” she murmurs in my ear, and I jerk, my hips tilting up before I know what I’m doing. “Do you think you can do me a favor?”
“Sure,” I manage, with whatever small part of my brain isn’t focused on the movement of Liliana’s hips against mine and the lushness of her lips and the way she’s reaching back to undo the clasp of her bra.
“It’s a little bit illegal?” She bites her lip. “I don’t want you to get in trouble, but it would really help me out.”
“Illegal? I don’t know anyone who can get you pot, Lili,” I snort, as I nibble down the side of her graceful neck.
“No, it’s more of a hacking thing.” I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. She rocks against me. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to.”
“Fuck,” I manage. She’s got my jeans open, and one hand is working its way down inside. “Um. I can probably give it—give it a shot.”
“She asked me to get some information on Tezzeret for her. She said it was ‘a little bit illegal’ and it did involve me getting into his personal laptop, but I don’t know. I trusted her. So I did. I got her the information, and then Tezzeret—um. He found out. He found out and—” I have to squeeze my eyes shut for a minute. I still have nightmares about what happened next. One minute I’m cleaning coffee grounds off the counter, the next minute someone is yelling something that might be my name. Something hits me in the head and bounces down off my shoulder, and I stagger forward, pain lancing through the back of my skull. My brain processes “liquid” and “heat” before the rest of the pain actually hits.
I don’t think I scream, but I’m on the floor with my hands over my head. My back feels like it’s on fire. I’m going to die—oh, god, I’m actually going to die. Something hits my ribs, and this time I know I make a noise. Something pushes me to scramble to my feet, and I’m staring at Tezzeret, foot drawn back as if he’s about to kick me again. The smell of coffee is everywhere.
“Um, he threw a coffee pot at me, which, uh, it sounds funny, but it—wasn’t. I had some pretty bad burns.” “Jesus,” Nissa says, in a hushed voice. I swallow. “That’s how I got to know Chandra. I ran across the street into the Mana Leak—she was on shift, and she barricaded the door and called 911.” “Jesus Christ!” says the red-haired girl behind the counter. “What happened to you?”
I can’t answer. There’s a haze creeping into the corners of my vision, and I’m looking back, trying to tell if Tezzeret is coming after me. My legs are giving way beneath me, and suddenly I’m staring at the floor. Drops of water splash onto the tile in front of me, and I can barely breathe, the pain is so bad. “Help,” I manage to croak.
I hear footsteps as the red-haired barista steps around me and locks the door. “Okay, don’t worry, I’ll call 911,” she tells me. “And if anyone tries to come after you, I’ll break their face with this, uh, milk jug.”
“I had top surgery scheduled,” I tell Nissa with a sigh. “But you can’t exactly get top surgery when you’re trying to recover from second-degree burns.” “I can imagine.” She looks horrified. “It’s okay, I think I’m back on track for it now,” I tell her. “My back kind of scarred, but it’s okay. It’s just itchy and stuff. I sort of deserve it anyway.” Whoops. That last popped out before I was thinking. It was intended to be self-deprecating, but I’m pretty sure it came across a little worse than that. Great. Now Nissa probably thinks I’m either a head case or a delicate flower. Neither of which is great. “Liliana came to visit me in the hospital,” I tell her, since anything other than just continuing the story is probably going to cause me to dig myself in deeper. I’m almost pathetically glad to see her. I’m feeling weak—they’ve got me on painkillers, but I’m still overwhelmed and exhausted. “Lili,” I greet her, with as much of a smile as I can muster. “I guess you got my emails.”
I sent her the information she asked for before the whole Thing With Tezzeret happened, then I managed to beg a phone off one of the nurses briefly to send her another email telling her what had happened.
She hovers uncertainly at the edge of the bed, one hand playing with a long curl of her hair. “Jace, I—didn’t intend for you to get hurt,” she says awkwardly, and I frown at her in confusion.
“Um?” I say. “What are you talking about, Lili?”
She sighs, shakes her hair back, and sits gingerly on the edge of the bed. “I really do like you, you know,” she says, cupping my chin with her hand.
“I…know?” I must be missing something. Maybe I’m loopier than I thought I was.
“I’m sorry,” she says, and then she’s leaning forward and kissing me, and, god, does it feel good. I tangle my hands in her long hair and breathe in the smell of incense and lavender that always seems to hang around her. I could get lost in her hair.
The door clicks as it opens again, and I hear a soft thump. It takes me a minute, but I pull away from Lili to look past her shoulder. Kallist is standing in the doorway. There’s a bunch of flowers lying on the ground at his feet. Violets and bright yellow sunflowers—an absurdly colorful, cheerful bouquet.
“What the fuck,” Kallist says.
I open my mouth, but there aren’t any words. Instead of my voice, Liliana’s fills the sudden void. “Kallist,” she says, pleadingly. “I needed his help.”
“What?” Kallist says again.
“I needed his help, and it was the easiest way to—”
‘I didn’t intend for you to get hurt. I’m sorry.’ That’s what she meant. It makes sense now.
“You couldn’t have just asked?” I say stupidly.
Kallist gives a short, sharp laugh. “Wow,” he says. “That’s pretty fucked up.” And then he turns around, kicks the bouquet to the side, and walks back out the door.
“I’d better go after him,” Liliana says. “I really do like you, Jace, but I need to at least try to explain to Kallist.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I don’t want to break up with you,” she tells me. “I know I screwed up, but you’ll give me a second chance, won’t you?”
She cheated on my best friend with me. I. Fuck. What have I done?
“Kallist caught us making out in the hospital. It turned out that, um, Liliana was trying to get me to help her get some dirt on Tezzeret. She was getting paid by the former owner or something, I don’t really know all the ins and outs.” I swallow. “I haven’t seen Kallist since.” Nissa’s mouth is hanging open. “And Liliana is still trying to—to what?” “I don’t know,” I say, hanging over the counter and covering my face with my hands. “I ended up losing pretty much every friend I had over the whole thing. For some crazy reason, most of our mutual friends took Kallist’s side. Not that I blame them. I think Lili’s still friends with some of them, maybe even with Kallist, I’m not sure what she told them.” It’s the first night after I got discharged from the hospital. I’m in my dorm room, and I’m in pain, and there’s no one I can call. I don’t want to bother my parents; they have enough to deal with, and anyways I can’t face telling them what I’ve done. Miserably, I scroll through the list of contacts in my phone. I should delete a bunch of these. I deleted Liliana, but she’s still texting me.
‘Jace, I talked to Kallist…’
‘Are you okay?’
‘Please answer me.’
‘Why are you being so stubborn?’
I can’t delete Kallist, even though I know he’s probably blocked me. But I just—I can’t give that up, and it wouldn’t matter anyway. I’ve had his number memorized for something on the order of ten years.
Red, says one of the contacts. Who’s that? I don’t recognize the name or the number. God, I can’t take the loneliness anymore, I need some fucking form of human contact. I text Red.
>Hey, if this isn’t too weird, who is this?
>yo nerd this is Chandra who are u
Chandra. The girl from the Mana Leak Café, who called 911 for me the other day.
>This is the guy you rescued from a maniac with a coffee pot. Why is your number in my phone?
>oh yo hey. yeah I put my number into ur phone in case you needed help or something idk
I pause. What am I supposed to say to that?
>Thanks.
>not a problem
I shouldn’t ask for anything more.
>Are you busy? I’m kind of stuck by myself with no one to talk to.
>damn that sucks. nah I have some homework but I’m not rlly doing it anyway. u want to hang out?
How do I respond to this without sounding totally desperate?
>Yes
>cool where do u live
Oh, right. I quickly type out my address and send it to her. As soon as I’ve done that, I wonder if I should have. I’m not going to be a great companion right now, to say the least.
I laugh ruefully, passing a hand over my face. I don’t quite want to look up. “Yeah, so the first thing I think said to Chandra in person—uh, apart from ‘ow,’ ‘help,’ and ‘fuck’ was ‘I fucked up and I don’t think I have any friends left.’ I wasn’t exactly intending to be that, uh, forthcoming, but it wasn’t a great night. Fortunately, Chandra is, well, Chandra. She just asked me whether I had any alcohol and when I said no asked if I wanted some.” I take a huge breath. “So that’s it,” I say, a little awkwardly. “The whole sordid story.” “Oh, Jace,” Nissa says, taking a deep breath. “Would—would it be weird if I asked if I could hug you?” I manage a crooked smile. There’s a little warm place just beneath my heart. “I didn’t mean to sound too self-pitying, but I really do not say no to hugs,” I tell her honestly. “Okay.” She opens her arms, and I let myself be enfolded. She’s quite a bit taller than I am, although she’s also quite thin. I can feel the bumps of her spine under my hand.
“Aw, you guys are adorable.” I look up to see Chandra sliding into view with a paper bag in one hand. “Sorry I’m late.” “It’s fine, it’s been mostly quiet,” I reply. “Uh,” says Chandra. “What?” “If it’s been mostly quiet, how come you’re crying?” Well, shit. “Mostly quiet except for Lili coming in,” I amend. “Also, have you ever heard of this weird little notion we call ‘tact’?” Chandra laughs weakly. “Sorry, man.” She runs a hand through her hair. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine,” I say, scrubbing at my face. “Seriously, I’ll be good. She just caught me off-guard.” “You sure you don’t want me to light her on fire?” I laugh. “Yes, Chandra, I am sure I do not want you to get arrested for setting my ex on fire.” “I’d do it for you, Jace.” She pats my shoulder. “I would go to jail for you.” “You would go to jail for the chance to light someone on fire, you mean.” I stick out my tongue at her. “Pyromaniac.” “Fuck you,” Chandra retorts eloquently. “Okay, I’d better get my apron on and stuff.” She glances past me. “Ooh, I think you’ve got a visitor, Jace.” “Huh?” I say eloquently, turning around. “Hey.” Ral’s leaning against the counter. He has huge, dark circles under his eyes, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in about a week. Over the past few weeks, we’ve spent some time hanging out, so what I’m taking away from this is he probably hasn’t slept in about a week and that he has something he wants to ask me. “Um, hi.” I manage a smile. Seeing Ral makes my heart thump and my cheeks flush, in a weird, safe mirror of the way seeing Lili does. “What’s up?” “Do you, uh, get off soon?” I glance at the clock. “Soonish?” “You, uh, wanna come out for a drink with me?” I swallow. “Uh,” I say. Chandra shoves at my shoulder, and I manage a nod. “Yeah. I’d like that.” “Cool.” Ral scratches at the back of his neck. “Guess I’ll hang out here until your shift is done, then.” “Cool.” Chandra giggles at me, and I shuffle nervously. “Um, can I get you a coffee?” Ral looks at me sideways, then sighs. “Ugh, just for once you can get me whatever drink you think I’d like. Except it can’t actually be coffee.” I grin. “I’ve got just the thing,” I say, reaching for a cup and pumping a shot of chocolate and then one of raspberry. “I promise, you’re going to love it.”