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“Thanks again for meeting me at such short notice.” “Oh, not at all my dear. Come in and have a seat.” He gestured warmly to the vantage she knew best in this office, but hadn’t done for the good part of a year. She sighed and settled in a moment and then started recounting the reason she was back here feelingthe sharp edge of a paper crane in her crushed fist. “So, I finally ended it with Ron.” He leaned forward slightly, his pen wiggling with what she knew was suppressed happiness. “And how do you feel about this major development?” “Ok, I suppose. I know it’s for the best.” And she did. But why did it feel like throwing off a security blanket and during a couuld winter storm? She hadn’t even liked him all that much in the past few months. “He’s.. he’s so... “and she hated herself for what she was about to say next.. “slow! And I’m bloody arrogant to think it!” She added hurriedly. “Now, now, we mustn’t disparage ourselves for having our own perspective. You operate at quite a different level than he is capable of aspiring. And this hinders your growth and your vision of yourself.” “I know and I am trying to maintain that vision we created. It’s helped a lot. I’ve accomplished quite a bit and overcome my block, you see. Accolades at the law firm, I’ve become a diplomat, my research is continuing, I’ve been working on some human rights activism, and there’s some technology mergers I’ve been attempting to explore. It’s been quite thrilling and.. I feel like the limitations are gone for the first time since my first experiment gone wrong..” “Wow, I must say, I am exceedingly proud of you. And especially for you overcoming your fear of being wrong of experimentation. All of these advancements constitute serious risks taken on your part!” “Yes, yes.. I know,” she said, hanging her head, misery rising in her voice. “Still, it seems this is not yet the reason for which you came to see me.” “You are correct, as ever.” She mused a moment how lucky she was to have met the man sitting across from her. He has taught her what her place really was in this world, and how to take it. He had taught her to unlock her potential and silence her fear, and to attempt to live up to her potential for the first time, regardless of being praised near-constantly as a child. But now... “I don’t know why I keep putting myself in with him.” “Who?” “Ron. We are not on a level, but I feel beneath him, cowed by him.” “I suspect this is because of your discomfort with peers and his relative ease. You associate this ease with EQ, but I’m sad to say I don’t believe your subconscious assumption. I believe you have more emotional perceptivity and understanding than he.” “Then why do I feel I need him?” She almost cried out. “Well.. what is it that you find yourself getting out of the relationship?” “A life? Enthusiasm... connection to others through experiences.. connection to his extended family by default.. plans..” “So, in short, you don’t have to create these things yourself and you get to avoid the existential angst of isolation? That seems like a powerful motivator to me.” “And I secretly think I’ll work myself sick..” “So he allows you shirk responsibility for self-regulation and allows you to continue to live in denial about your disappointments in your finiteness and limitations? And he allows you to suspend your endless sense of competitive pressure by lowering your opinion of baseline?” “Wow.. I guess he’s pretty powerful if he can manage all that for himself and for me. It makes me more attracted to him.” “Is he managing alog that? Last I heard he was drinking himself silly every other night.” “He is.. but then why does he have these skills?” “If one were to study in your presence without even so much as a word to you, they’d be provided with an ambient structure. When you have something in abundance, there are knock-on effects. This would be true of a disciplinarian who was often abusive. Exuding positive by-products does not fully recommend a person. In Ron’s case, he’s a bit of a mess but he benefits you in ways that are counter to your current resting-state conditioning. You can alter this conditioning in a measure to enact those benefits upon your life by autopilot, but it will require the requisite strain of getting some momentum into those gears.“ “What if I cannot?? She nearly pleaded, she knew he had struck to the heart of the matter.“ “Well, I am sure that you can. Have you not provided these things for yourself in the past? And is it not indeed part of the pathology of the relationship that you had polarized your idea of self so?” “Hmm.. yeah, I do remember a time when that was the case. You’re absolutely right... then, I don’t need him. But why do I miss him?” He sighed and gazed at her for a sad moment. “Hermione, you are like me and my brother. We don’t have many people to whom we can relate deeply. Many cannot keep up with us. And something very deep happens when we loose someone— an awareness of this core loneliness leaks to the surface. This primary wound is again exposed and we take stock, yet again, and come up feeling empty.” “But what do I do?? How do I make the pain go away?” Can I ask you something, he looked softly serious. “Have you ever had a relationship with a peer?“ “I’m not quite sure. I think so. Sometimes I feel this sense of dread that there’s no one out there for me, and I realize it may go beyond the typical fear people have.. I realize how much more rare it would be to find that person for myself. And then I wonder if I missed my chance..” “Well, what do you mean?” “About a year ago, before you and I spoke, this man I had known and hated for a while growing up had taken a shining to me. We made up, sort of, but I didn’t fully accept his apology and and I don’t know if I can trust him. Well, I didn’t take him seriously then, but I realize now that the conversations we had were some of the most stimulating I’d had in years. And now he’s with someone else.” “Ah.. well, maybe there was something else not right about the connection, or maybe it will return in the future, when you both are more ready. It sounds like he has somet things to work out if it isn’t not obvious to you that he is trustworthy. If he truly is right for you, this current woman will not last. And if not, then another adventure will one day come.” “Well.. I suppose your right, but... I thought, this time, with Ron, this was it.” “What is “it”? “It” sounds like your life is over, to me. That doesn’t sound very pleasant.” “I suppose you’re right, I do want more adventure, but I’m tired of turns in the road. Gods, I was just so tired of pretending I was having a good time or wasn’t disappointed every time we talked.” “Ron?” “Yes... bloody hell. Why do I have to feel this way???? “He sighed and smiled with his eyes closed a moment. Hermione, have I ever told you about my first wife?” *** “So she really jumped onto the canopy?” She laughed in geneuine happiness. “Yes! And it was quite task to get her down, let me tell you.. but as for me, months went by as I agonized over why I still loved her. But it was for reasons related to things I did not want to face in myself. And after time sleeping in hell with those facts on a fold-away mattress, the attraction I had for her was forever diffused. I was cured of my desire and I could stop placing myself in a subservient role. I was no longer putting myself in a position to beg for my basic human needs of meaning and value to be met at the whims of another.” The room was a comfortable and familial quiet. She basked in the understanding that was so rarely found in her life. It felt amazing to have a true peer. Someone who had lived her troubles and cried her sorrows and had grown beyond. She felt the warm guidance of what she had always imagined a father would give. And for once, she felt she was living in reality, and the script in her head. For once, she felt the person across from her was dimensional, solid, and not merely a facade. It was exhilarating. “Thank you. This may seem inappropriate, but I feel very much like you are family. I feel so comfortable and at home, and like someone finally understands. I feel I belong.” “Well, I don’t hardly say this, but in your case, it feels appropriate and I will say it again— I love you like a daughter, and you are always welcome here.” After a long pause of mutual staring into the fire, he said, “now let’s see what we can do about facing those fears and giving yourself what you thought you needed from Ron. And who knows, maybe next time you come back, it’ll be standing tall and next to your equal who can hold a conversation.”“And doesn’t have the emotional range of a teaspoon.”“It’d be a good start if he owned a teaspoon this time.”They both laughed.”Earl grey or English breakfast?” He asked, proffering biscotti. Well, that’s it. I know it’s kitschy and kind of terrible, but sometimes I think the journey is beautiful and self-awareness and committing to taking steps is hard.. Hope you enjoyed this, and if you got this far, bless you!