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Tony fell in love with Loki Laufeyson in the blink of an eye at 2 in the morning. He was wrapped up in the man's arms with his back to his lover's chest as Loki swayed their bodies gently to the melody of the soft music overhead.(he didn't know he wouldn't have enough time)He wished it was as easy to forget him.

5 years 10 months 17 days 19 hours and 54 minutes before
When Tony first laid eyes on the man that he would come to see as the only one he really, truly loved, Tony was ranting to himself about not having enough time (oh, if he only knew) as he speed walked through campus, books held close to his chest, already 20 minutes late for an important class.
He'd walked right into Loki who was also rushing in the other direction. Their books went flying as their bodies collided and they fell, landing flat on their butts opposite one another. They let out identical grunts of pain and annoyance, looking up to see the one who had caused their fall.
The man in front of Tony looked tall and slender. He was all sharp edges and cheekbones (he should've known, he should've seen, it was so obvious) but when he looked at Tony, he looked like an angel. (fallen, falling, Loki was always falling, always hurting)
He had eyes greener than anything Tony had ever seen and Tony knew would haunt him for a long time. (and he was right. he always sees those impossibly green eyes every time he closes his eyes).
"I'm so sorry." The beautiful man spoke, holding out one of Tony's books to him. Oh god, that accent. "I didn't see you there.""My fault, completely," Tony said, taking the book from the thin arm outstretched to him. "I was rushing and wasn't looking where I was going."The man smiled at him then and Tony was sure that a smile that perfect was illegal somewhere in the world. "I was in a bit of a rush too.""I'm Tony. I'm late to my engineering class.""Loki. I'm late to my literature class.""Nice.""Nice."They stood there, looking the other up, both of them needing to go somewhere but not really wanting to anymore. There was something between them that they just couldn't ignore."Listen, Loki, there's this really great coffee store not far from here.""Why Anthony, are you asking me to skip class with you?""Yes?""Great, lead the way."Tony smiled, part disbelief and part excitement that the virtual stranger had agreed to skip class with him. Tony turned and walked back the way he had come from, leading Loki to the aforementioned coffee shop.Loki walked beside him and they talked on the walk there. Nothing special; just last names (Laufeyson), major (literature), what he felt like eating (scones).
They got a table a little ways towards the back of the small cafe and spent all evening getting to know the stranger before them.If you asked him now, Tony wouldn't be able to recall what they spoke of all the hours they spent in the little corner of the cafe. He would however, be able to tell you of all the times he and Loki returned to that same coffee shop and sat at that same tiny table in the corner.He'd tell you what Loki's usual order was; how Loki tended to steal of off Tony's plate but leave his own plate just barely touched.(he realises now that it was probably a ruse. hiding how his appetite had faded, eating away at his time)He'd tell you how that day, that one fateful accident, had started everything.(started the clock, tick tock tick tock; the timer has started its countdown)

5 years 7 months 29 days 15 hours and 22 minutes before
They spoke nearly every day since then. Tony had given the man his number and Loki never hesitated to text him with random occurrences throughout his day. Tony always smiled fondly, shaking his head and chuckling while responding with his usual witty comments.

A woman just walked in to the hall, looked around, went "this isn't the motherfucking cafeteria, Stewart," then left.

for fucks sake stewart you had one job. poor lady. stewart is an ass.

Yes he is. You don't mess up like that. Especially not to a 50 year old woman.

shes 50?!

Looks to be around it.

oh Loki
That was their usual. Tony had wanted to ask Loki to go out with him multiple times but chickened out in the final moments. He tried telling himself he just didn't know if Loki would be free or not.
(oh, darling, you should've asked him, you could've spent more time with him)
That is until one day he told Rhodey about it. Rhodey - his best friend, the man who stayed with Tony and supported him in his decisions no matter how idiotic - hit him over the head and glared. "You idiot. Ask him out."
"But what if he says no," Tony said, rubbing the spot Rhodey had hit. "I mean what if it like makes things awkward. I don't want that. I like what we have now and I don't want to do anything that could fuck that up, Rhodey."Rhodey sighed. "Tony, I've known you how many years? In all that time, I've never once seen you like someone like this. You talk about him like you're a teenage girl and he's Harry Styles. With love and a scary amount of worship, seriously what is up with that? Are they okay? They know he's not Jesus rebirthed right?""I'm as clueless as you are, my dear friend. They are terrifying." Tony was desperately grabbing at the golden thread handed to him to escape this conversation.
"Right?! Wait, but anyway, Tony ask him out." Rhodey just severed that thread. Rude. "I mean it. You never know, he could be someone really important in your life."Tony sighed and had a retort for the cheesiness at the tip of his tongue but couldn't get himself to let it out. He just rubbed the back of his neck and contemplated his best friend's words. He knew they were true, he knew Loki was something special and that he wouldn't be able to replace him (oh how right he was)
but he was still insanely fearful of fucking this up.
Tony tended to fuck things up unless they were mechanical. Exhibit A: his relationship with Pepper. He freaked out and left her the minute she started getting deeper with him, more intimate. He was always sabotaging his own relationships that had potential to turn into something nice. He didn't want that to happen with Loki.
Yes, he'd only known the man a little over a month but that was more than enough for Tony to want to learn everything about him. Tony wanted to learn what made him tick, what made him smile as bright as he could, what made rage boil deep in his blood. Tony wanted to hear all his favourite childhood memories and he wanted to share the pain of the less pleasant ones. He wanted to know the story behind every scar on the man's body and he wanted to kiss them, let him know he found them beautiful.
He wanted to taste those lips he'd dreamed of for so long, he wanted to feel Loki's tongue in his mouth. He itched to let his calloused hands roam Loki's fragile body, to intimately touch him and learn the position of every dip and hollow. He wanted to feel surrounded by Loki's heat, have him moaning in pleasure as Tony thrust into him.He wanted Loki in every sense of the word and he was damn well going to get it.

12
years 10 months 3 days 18 hours and 25 minutes later
He thinks about it sometimes.
He thinks about the first time he heard Loki cough harder than he thought humanly possible. The first time he saw him cough up blood.He thinks about how stupid he was for not questioning it further, for letting himself get distracted by the man's smile, for accepting his blatantly obvious lies. He realizes now it was just his way of putting off the unimaginable.
He thinks about how he should've known. It was all right there, plain to see. He let the thoughts of
It was so obvious, Tony, it was all right there why didn't you ask why didn't you pay attention
take him away.
(he was scared of the silent ticking weighing down on him)
He still thinks about it now - decades later. He thinks about the man he loved. The man he
still loves. The man he will never stop loving, not until his own clock stops.

(the man whose time ran out too soon)

5
years 7 months 21 days 2 hours and 12 minutes before
Loki had said yes.
The second the words were out of Tony's mouth, the man had lit up. He grinned so, so brightly and nodded hard.
Tony laughed in relief and stared at the gorgeous man, not really believing that he'd said yes, that he wanted to date him. He couldn't believe that someone like Loki, someone so marvelous would ever agree.
They spent hours after that on their usual routine. Loki had his latte, Tony his cappuccino, and they split the same slice of cake that they always got. Nothing had changed, the world hadn't imploded, and most importantly, Loki had stayed. Better than that, he'd said yes.
Their conversation was just about the usual stuff. Loki told him of his day, the weird people he'd seen, the horrible cafeteria food, and his favourite teacher. Tony told him about his inventions, about that one time he'd built a robot to make him pizza but it failed when the thing tried to use motor oil as a topping. Loki's laugh was well worth reliving that horror story.
But there was something different. They could both feel it in the air crackling around them, the way it sparked with something, the way they hadn't stopped smiling since Tony gathered up the courage to ask him. They could feel the stirrings of something new, something beautiful, something -

(fated to end in heartbreak and pain)

And they lingered a little longer than usual. They weren't so keen on leaving each other just yet, not now when they could feel the high of a new chapter in their relationship. They had to eventually, though.
"I'll call you," Tony said as they stood outside their usual cafe. "About the date I mean. We can confirm the date then.""Yes, of course." Loki beamed at him, seeing Tony's nervousness perfectly clearly. "I will be expecting it, Anthony."Tony hated that name. He never let anyone call him that, too used to it being used by his father to put him down. Too used to that name being used in harsh moments, moments that still stung when he thought of them now.
But when Loki said it, when Loki called him that, it just felt nice. Tony loved the way his whole name sounded in the man's thick accent. He loved the way it made him forget how much he hated it.
"I'll try not to disappoint, darling." He tried imitating that delicious accent but failed miserably. It was worth it when it brought a laugh out of Loki, shaking his head and trying to look stern.
"I do not talk like that." Loki playfully hit his arm, pinching it before pulling his hand back.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry." Tony rubbed his arm where Loki had pinched it. One thing he'd learned in the past few months of knowing the other man was that he had a wicked pinch. Shit hurt. "You sound much sexier."
Loki's cheeks started to turn a little red and he grinned, shaking his head to allow some hair to cover the colour. "You bet your ass I do."
He looked beautiful with the red on his normally pale cheeks. Tony itched to press his palm to Loki's cheek and pull him in for a kiss but stopped himself. It wasn't time yet. Instead, Tony beamed right back at him.They stood outside the cafe a little longer just leaning against its walls and staring at the sky. Loki was the one to break the serenity of those moments by finally pushing off the wall and moving to face Tony.
"As much as I hate to leave Anthony," he started, "I do have a lot of work to do. I will see you soon, yes?"
"Yes, of course. Good luck with whatever work you got."
"Thank you, I will need that. Goodbye, kjærlighet."
"What was that?" Tony was confused. He'd never heard that language before.
"Nothing of any importance," Loki said dismissively.
Tony pouted but gave up when Loki raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "Fine. But I will find out. How did the word go again? Sia what?"
Loki laughed at his terrible pronounciation and turned around, walking away from Tony with a slight wave. Tony waved back.

(you should've spent more time)

Tony had immediately called Rhodey afterwards to let him know. He was the one that had encouraged him after all. Without that hit to his head, Tony probably would've kept his feelings for Loki to the grave.
"I told you so." Rhodey was grinning, Tony could feel it over the phone. He was practically radiating smug energy.
"Yeah, yeah whatever. Don't make me regret calling." Tony rolled his eyes and kept flicking through the tabs on his laptop. "I just wanted to say thank you for helping me pull my head out of my ass. So, thank you.""You're welcome," came Rhodey's pleased reply. Asshole. "Where are you taking him?"
"I'm working on that right now." There were eight tabs open on his laptop right now suggesting 'Ideal Romantic First Date Ideas In Your Area' and similar stuff. "I'm leaning heavily on just getting blackout drunk with him. That would be much better than any of these places.""Tony, are you googling places to take him?"
"Maybe."
"Stop. Those places are for cheesy romantics. I know you, Tones, you'd be beyond awkward there. Pick somewhere that suits both of your personalities. What does he like?"
"Well, his favourite foods are Italian. But the only Italian places around here is Pizza Hut and that run down diner 3 blocks from your place. I'd really rather not take him there."
"Okay first of all, Pizza Hut isn't Italian you dumbass. Its just a pizza place. Secondly, Luis' is damn good and you know it." Rhodey's fondness for that place was incomprehensible. Tony swears up and down that he saw a rat the size of his foot in the toilet once but Rhodey won't have it. "But yes, I admit it's not date worthy."
"Thank fuck you know that. Will you believe me about the rat now? I think it was pregnant, Rhodes, I really do."
"It was probably just fat from diner food.""So you acknowledge its existence?"
"No. I'm just humouring you."
"You wound me, sweetheart." Tony placed a hand over his heart even though Rhodey couldn't see him. He could feel his friend rolling his eyes.
"Ask Pepper. She knows all these great, fancy restaurants," Rhodey supplied. Tony was about to interject but was cut off by Rhodey continuing. "They're not too fancy though. Like college student fancy, you know. From what I know of Loki, he'd love them"
Tony considered it. Loki was a formal type of guy, not really one for the mundane and casual. Loki loved formality and eloquence. It was a wonder he liked Tony.
"Yeah, he would. I'll call her later." Tony closed the pretentious tabs and ran fingers through his hair, wanting a shower. "I've got to go now. Kinda stink and need a shower. Thanks again for everything, Rhodey."
"No problem, Tones. Anything to stop your depressing pining over him," Rhodey chuckled, elicting a huff from Tony. "Now shoo, shower. Goodnight."
"Night."
And with that, he hung up on Rhodey. He finished shutting down his laptop and got up to stretch. He'd been hunched over looking up places to take Loki for hours now.
Tomorrow he'd call Pepper. Tomorrow, he'd decide where he was going to take Loki for their first date. Tomorrow, he'd finalise everything and then call him to let him know.
And then, sometime soon, he'd go out with Loki Laufeyson.

(Don't waste your time too much, darling; every second is precious)

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

5 years 6 months 2 weeks 5 days 14 hours and 55 minutes after
Tony loved thinking about Loki.Tony loved remembering everything about Loki. He relishes in losing himself in the memories of the day they met, the feeling of instantly knowing there was something there, something he couldn't ignore. The memories of their first date; they way they'd kissed in the park under the soft moon glow. He remembers falling in love with Loki slowly, though he'd never noticed until that night they'd danced around his apartment. He remembers the icy way Loki smelled, the passion glowing in his eyes when he spoke, the love when he looked at Tony.Sometimes, when Tony had had a little too much to drink, he allowed himself to remember what Loki taste like, what Loki felt like. He allowed the phantom fingers to ghost his body, leaving feather light caresses in a cruel mimic of the way Loki did to let him know he loved him without words. He allowed the taste and smell of ice to fill his senses, the way he had always craved since the first time.Even rarer than that, when Tony's blood alcohol content was dangerously high, he let the memories of the day he lost Loki flood him. He drank more and more and more, not stopping until he forgot Loki's tears, Loki's soft lips, Loki's pale, weak, bony body holding him until he forgot why he was drinking in the first place. But it always came crashing back and he'd drink again, so much that he'd wake up in the hospital, Rhodey and Pepper and Thor trying not to cry by his side.That had happened a handful of times and Tony always reassured them, saying he was fine and that he had just gotten carried away, there was nothing to worry about. They always lied to themselves (the way he had before) and let themselves believe him, but no one was surprised when it inevitably happened again.
(why couldn't they see he was trying to speed his clock up; he can't live like this anymore)

5 years 6 months 16 days 17 hours and 35 minutes before

Loki was late.Tony had been waiting for a half hour now and was trying really hard not to freak out. Loki was never late, no matter what, Loki was always on time. Tony wasn't worried that Loki would stand him up, of course not; they'd both spent so much time planning today. No, he was worried about Loki.Somewhere around ten minutes ago, he'd texted Loki but got no response. That in itself was worrying and Tony was trying very hard to suppress it. He had ordered a cup of coffee to calm his nerves and decided to wait another ten minutes before allowing the panic to take over.
He kept staring out the window though. He could't help it.It was as he looked up for the fifth time or so that he saw the thin man pushing open the glass doors of the restaurant. Tony couldn't stop the bright grin that crawled onto his face and the relief flooding through him at the sight. Loki noticed him around then and his grin mirrored Tony's as he walked up to him. He stood up to greet him.Loki looked absolutely breathtaking in a suit. The green dress shirt he wore beneath the black jacket made his eyes look almost an otherworldly shade of green.
"Hi.""Hey."They stared at each other with identical goofy grins before Loki leaned down and pulled Tony into a hug, arms wrapping around his waist. Tony instantly responded and wrapped his own arms around Loki's shoulders, burying his face in the long hair brushing Loki's neck. The icy smell engulfing his senses was so uniquely Loki that it made him want never let go, stay wrapped up in Loki forever.(they should've been, could've been, would've been, if only -)Loki seemed to agree, tightening his hold and nuzzling Tony's shoulder.So naturally, they had to be interrupted.Tony pulled away at the sound of an awkwardly cleared throat. A teenage waiter stood beside them, scratching his neck and looking like he was being forced into doing this."i'm really sorry but we don't allow excessive amounts of PDA here.""Excessive amounts of PDA?" Tony said, dumbfounded. "I'm hugging him.""I know, sir. I'm sorry but I don't make the rules."Tony opened his mouth but Loki beat him to it. "Of course. It's fine.""Thank you." The teenager looked at Loki like he'd hung the moon. "I'll be back in a while to take your order."Loki gave him a polite smile and a nod. Tony swears up and down that the kid was blushing as he walked back into the kitchens.They both took their seats and picked up the menu that Tony had practically memorized what with his anxious multiple readings earlier. He enjoyed the silence and Loki's presence as the man looked over the menu, picking something and asking Tony's opinion. At an affirmative, Loki put the menu back down and took Tony's hand in his."I'm really sorry, Anthony." Loki said, eyes sincere and sad."It's okay, really.""No, it's not," Loki raised a hand to stop Tony from arguing with him. "Really, Tony. I'm sorry. I hadn't expected to be so late.""Fine. You can call it even by telling me why you're so late."Loki visibly tensed, pulling his hand back, his already pale skin somehow losing more colour. "There was an emergency last night and my brother was involved.""What happened?" Tony didn't want to make him uncomfortable but Loki never spoke of his family that he couldn't push away the curiousity."He was worried for someone and made me follow him. I had no choice."Recognizing Loki was getting increasingly uncomfortable and that he wouldn't get anything more out of him anyway, Tony changed the subject. "How has your literature class been treating you?""Oh, it's good." Loki gratefully accepted the subject change. They spoke for a few more minutes, small talk that Tony could't remember anymore before the same teenage waiter from earlier walked up to their table."Hi," he said, smiling brightly mainly at Loki. "Can I take your order?"Loki opened his mouth to answer but Tony cut him off. "Yeah, uh, chicken lasagna for him and spaghetti for me. Thanks."Tony smiled saccharinely at him and the waiter looked back at Loki for confirmation. At a nod from Loki, the waiter smiled awkwardly at them and rushed off. Loki turned to him with an eyebrow raised in amusement. "What was that?""What was what?" Tony took an innocent sip of his coffee, carefully avoiding Loki's knowing eyes."Tony, are you jealous of the waiter?""What?""Are you jealous of the waiter?" Loki drawled out, pronouncing each word slowly as though he were talking to a toddler."No. Absolutely not." Tony still wouldn't meet Loki's eyes, stubbornly staring a hole into the window."Okay. Hypothetically say you were," Loki took Tony's hand for the second time tonight but interlaced their fingers this time, "I would want to remind you, hypothetically of course, that I am on this date with you. Not him. I don't like him. I like you."Tony finally looked at him, bringing Loki's hand up, shifting so that their fingers escaped and he was holding Loki's hand in his palm and pressing a feather light kiss on it. A light shade of red dusted Loki's pale cheeks and he wanted to kiss the man but this wasn't the time or place. Later, he promised himself."Is it still hypothetical?""It never was."Tony smiled softly even though he already knew that and laced their fingers again, starting a conversation with Loki again. Their food arrived and Tony watched as Loki picked more than ate the stuff and he tried eating slower himself to encourage Loki to eat more. It worked, and by the end Loki had polished off a little over three quarters of his lasagna.The dinner ended faster than they wanted it too which then found them silently agreeing on a walk in the nearby park. They walked side by side, close enough that their bodies brushed, and their fingers were intertwined like back at the restaurant. Loki told his usual stories of mischief and Tony listened, enthralled by Loki's voice as usual. When Loki was done and it was Tony's turn, he spoke of his latest inventions and told Loki the ideas he'd had, asking for his opinions.Loki seemed to shine under the moonlight. The soft yet harsh lighting sharpened his features, making him look like - as he'd noted the first time thy met - an angel. His ethereal beauty came alive out here as Tony looked up at him, not really understanding but also not fighting the flood of emotions that came at him, knocking him breathless. Tony's whole body ached with the need to kiss him and honestly there was no better time than now.Tony stopped walking all of a sudden, stunning Loki who was pulled back by the abruptness of it. The taller man looked at Tony in confusion which quickly transformed into realization as the engineer took a step closer and brought a hand up to his neck, leaving the other still in Loki's. He snaked his own free hand around Tony's waist, holding him gently but firmly.Tony looked up at him, standing on his toes a little and tugged Loki down gently until their noses brushed and they breathed the same air. Loki's icy scent made his head spin as he slowly, carefully inched forward and connected their lips. The kiss was tender, tasting just like Tony had expected, and it held so many heavy emotions though he couldn't for the life of him figure out why it seemed just a hint sad on Loki's part. Almost as though he knew he shouldn't be doing this yet couldn't stop himself - didn't want to stop himself.

(why didn't you pay more attention)
The confusion didn't last very long when Loki let his tongue swipe delicately along Tony's bottom lip. The inventor let out a soft moan and tugged him closer, deepening the kiss.It lasted only a few more minutes after that, broken by the human need for air and Tony didn't notice as Loki panted harder than he did and seemed to have a harder time catching his breath than he did. Their foreheads rested together as they breathed in silence, eyes halfway closed, just revelling in the other's presence around them.As they pulled away, Tony watched Loki's eyes shine brighter than the stars hanging overhead, looking at him with the same intensity he felt burning in himself, Loki's hair just shy of too messy. He admired how the light cast an almost halo around Loki's head, further proving the angel observation. Tony felt the oxymoronic cool heat of Loki's hand in his own slightly sweaty ones, though if Loki minded he didn't show it.Standing there that night, staring at each other and sharing kisses under the stars, Tony knew this man was forever.
(except he really wasn't; his clock was ticking, running out)

10 months 2 days 7 hours and 57 minutes later

Looking back, it's almost laughable how fucking blind Tony was.There were little clues scattered everywhere, making it plain to see that Loki wasn't okay. There were the difficulties he had catching his breath after kisses, the way he sometimes coughed too hard and awkwardly made his way to the toilet afterwards, mouth covered and mumbling some bullshit excuse about snot. Tony had always laughed at that even though the coughing concerned him.There was the way he'd sometimes disappear for a few days, telling Tony nothing but an obvious lie about his whereabouts. Tony had worried shortly that Loki might be seeing someone else, but killed that thought as fast as it came on. Loki would never, he kept telling himself. And yet, it still hurt.Of course, now Tony wished Loki had been cheating. He would've much rather lived with the pain of not being what Loki wanted than with this hollowness he felt in himself these days that he couldn't fill with anything. He'd rather Loki be happy with someone else than this.He'd found solace in the bottom of strong alcohol at first but that was quickly wearing off. It just wasn't enough anymore. Tony drank and drank and drank but nothing happened except nausea and the feeling of elephants stomping in his head the next morning. He still didn't stop though; he felt he deserved it.
(someone tell him he doesn't, tell him it wasn't his fault, he couldn't have done anything because Loki never fucking told him, Loki was such a skilled fucking liar)
A couple of times he'd entertained the notion of just ending it all. If Loki wasn't here, if Loki couldn't live the life he deserved, what right did Tony have to keep living? What fucked up thing out there had decided Loki was done? It wasn't their fucking decision, they weren't the ones that loved him. Atheism be damned, Tony couldn't find anything else to blame for Loki than himself and whatever was out there.Tony just wanted Loki back.
(oh baby, he's never coming back)

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

1 year 2 months 1 week 5 days and 22 hours after
Back then, Tony was happy.He thought he lived on cloud nine, nothing could bring him down from the high of having Loki with him all the time. They'd stay wrapped up together for hours, just talking and watching movies or terrible tv shows. The occasional intense debate was welcome; Tony loved exploring Loki's mind, loved hearing his opinions on anything at all. It was even better when they'd end the fights under the sheets, making the other emit sinful
words and wanton noises.Their relationship was fantastic, for lack of better words.Loki knew Tony in all the ways that mattered, always there for him after a particularly bad night when he'd consider the liquor cabinet again; always knowing just what to say or do to calm him down. Loki always knew how to make Tony laugh even when he was on the verge of tears. Tony had never found a place he consider safer, warmer, comfortable than Loki's bony shoulder, arms wrapped tight around him, holding him together when he didn't think he could do it himself.The smell of Loki, the feel of Loki, everything about Loki made Tony feel so at home that it just didn't feel right without him around. Naturally, he asked Loki to move in.
The man had been hesitant at first - and that hurt Tony way more than he cared to admit - but he came around eventually. Loki had shown in his apartment one night while Tony was asleep, using his spare key, and crawled into his bed. Tony'd awoken at the unexpected presence and was instantly engulfed in a pair of cool lips on his, kissing with the passion of a man in love.Tony knew Loki well enough to know what it meant and he hadn't hesitated to return it just as strong, very nearly bruising the other's lips. That night was one of the best in Tony's memories of him, one of his favourites.But Tony wasn't an idiot. He could tell there was something Loki was hiding, something important. It was obvious in the slightly hesitant way Loki gave himself up all the time, as though he was burdening Tony by merely existing. Tony didn't understand that, couldn't at the time - (he'd been so naively oblivious to the loud clock ticking above them) - and made sure to kiss Loki so hard the thoughts were banished from his mind.Back then, Tony had let himself ignore all the neon signs in his face for the sake of happiness.Maybe if he hadn't, maybe if he'd paid more fucking attention, maybe, maybe, maybe Loki would still be alive.
(Why didn't the man ever tell him, he should've told him, his lover could've done something, he could've helped, god knows he was smart enough; he could've saved him if he had enough time)
He knows it's just wishful thinking. He knows it's just his mind blaming itself, that there was actually nothing he could have done. Yeah, he's Tony fucking Stark, but not even he could come up with the cure to fucking cancer in under two years. He couldn't have prevented the tumour spreading in Loki's lungs, making it harder for the man he loved to breathe, eating away at his life.These days, Tony keeps away from that stuff. He doesn't even look anywhere near that field of science anymore.He knows that with the help of a couple of other world-renowned genius scientists like Bruce Banner, he could probably find a cure. But - and he knows this is a terrible, selfish way of thinking - he just doesn't care. What the fuck is the point if it couldn't save him? Why does someone else get their happily ever after when Tony gets all this pain and hospital visits and worried people?Fuck the world, that's what he says. They don't deserve it. And Tony knows that he's definitely one of the world's worst people just by thinking that, by having the capability to save millions of lives but choosing to burrow in his own bitterness and pain, but he just doesn't fucking care. He just wants to forget.These days, Tony keeps himself busy. He rarely eats and it's even rarer for him to sleep and he's always, always down in the lab building something and everyone's worried - of course they are, they think he's running out of time - but he doesn't care. He just needs to forget.

(He just needs the insistent phantom ticking to leave him alone)

5
years 1 week 3 days and 20 hours before"That's a yes then?""Don't ask questions you already know the answers to, Anthony.""Just double checking babe," Tony kissed Loki lightly on the nose. "This just feels very surreal, is all."
"Well," Loki said, throwing an arm over Tony's blanketed body, "you'd better get used to it. You've just invited me to live with you. That means you get to see my face and deal with my shit everyday.""Sounds amazing." Tony pulled Loki in for a soft kiss that was easily returned in the same way. They were a mess of tangled limbs and blankets, covered in sweat and other stuff, but the moment felt perfect.Loki had said yes. Loki Laufeyson had said yes to living with him.This was going to be the start of something perfect.
11 months 3 weeks 5 days and 2 hours before
"Where are you going?""To finish a project with Tasha. I'm late Tony, I have to go." Loki kissed him and walked out.He's been doing that for a month now. He'd just disappear and Tony wouldn't hear from him almost all day. Then he'd come home looking exhausted, and he wouldn't tell Tony anything, using it as an excuse to go straight to bed. This happened at least
once a week.Tony was going a little insane with the theories running around his head. He knew they were bullshit, Loki wouldn't be seeing anyone else, no way, Loki loved him. And yet, his actions persisted and with them, Tony's doubts.Every time he so much as brought it up, Loki was quick to shut him down, changing the topic to something else entirely. It was maddening.Then there was the whole thing with his low immune system. Tony was scared about that. Half the time since he'd moved in, Loki was sick. He always had a cough running, sometimes so loud Tony feared he'd cough up blood. There wasn't even anything Tony could do since Loki stubbornly refuses treatment. He kept saying it's normal, just something he'd picked up in class.
(Tony didn't believe it but he didn't imagine just how bad it was)
Tony still loves Loki, of course he could never not, but that's what made it worse.Loki was keeping so many secrets, dangerous secrets, from him and Tony knew but he still loved him. He still forgave him when Loki smiled and kissed him, making promises that he's fine and that he loves Tony, nothing was going to break them. He let himself live in ignorance when Loki cooked him breakfast in apology and stayed wrapped up with him under the covers all day.Maybe he shouldn't have, maybe he should ask Loki more questions, demand the truth once and for all; but he couldn't.He can lie to himself all he wants, telling himself it was pointless anyway, Loki wasn't gong to tell him the truth so why waste his breath right? But he knew the real reason he never pushed; he was afraid.Tony was so, so afraid of whatever terrible secret Loki was keeping. It kept him awake at nights, pondering just what was going on and forcing himself to stop because he really didn't want to know. If Loki had found someone better, if Loki just didn't like him anymore, he didn't want to know.And he was right. He really wished Loki hadn't told him.
5 months, 1 week, 3 days, 1 hour, and 57 minutes before
"Can we talk, Anthony?""Oh, now you want to talk?" Tony couldn't help snapping as Loki walked through the door into their apartment after having left nine hours ago. "You didn't seem so eager to even look at me earlier."Loki sighed, walking to where Tony sat on their couch. Tony kept his eyes on the - even thinner now - man as he sat down next to him, curling up the way he always did when he felt nervous. He picked up the remote and switched the tv off, interrupting Tony's favourite show. "I was watching that.""This is important, Tony." Loki looked at him, green eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "Please."Tony stared at him, hard. He took in the sharp cheekbones exposed since Loki's hair was pulled into a small ponytail, the pale skin with his nose slightly red from the cold. He stared at the man he'd promised to love forever, the man he knew he would love forever, no matter where this conversation went.
Their relationship had been on the rocks for the two, three months or so as Loki's unexplained disappearances started becoming more frequent and he started staying out longer. Loki bruised easily, so easily, and he lost more weight, making his already slim body look damn near skeletal.
Tony's concern only grew as Loki's immune system got even worse, something Tony had deemed impossible. He'd cough harder now, lasting longer, and he'd make excuses about snot after to run to the bathroom with his mouth covered. Loki struggled to catch his breath after they had sex, almost gasping, and not in the good way. Tony wasn't blind; he noticed how Loki sometimes pressed a hand to his chest and winced as though he was in pain.In a way, he knew where this conversation was leading. He knew what Loki was going to tell him, he'd known for a long time. Tony was just too big a coward to deal with it, to accept it, to believe that this was really happening.

(This isn't real life, this isn't real, it can't be, it can't, it can't please fuck no th-)
"Talk," Tony said, shifting to seat himself to properly face Loki.Loki stretched a hand out for Tony, smiling when he allowed it, and interlacing their fingers. It felt right, like their hands were puzzle pieces made whole when connected. "I love you, Anthony Stark. You know that, right?""I know." Tony wanted to tell him he loved him too but he couldn't let go of the resentment from earlier. From so many months."When I was a child, I was exposed to quite a
high amount of asbestos," Loki started, squeezing Tony's hand. "I'm not entirely sure how. Have you heard of mesothelioma?"Tony shook his head. "In passing. I'm an engineer, not a doctor."Loki gave a soft laugh and continued. "It's a cancer that develops slowly, starting when a person inhales or swallows airborne asbestos fibers. These fibers, they become lodged in the lining of the lungs, abdomen or heart. They damage the mesothelial cells and cause inflammation. Over time, tumours begin to form on the damaged mesothelium.""Loki, what are you saying?" Tony knew perfectly well what he was saying, he just needed tohear it, needed to have his fears confirmed, or preferably denied. "Tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying.""You're a smart man, Tony," Loki said, smiling bitterly. "You know what I'm saying.""How long?" Tears were building in Tony's eyes now but he was insistent in pushing them back, hiding behind anger. "How long have you known, Loki?""I was diagnosed with stage 2 mesothelioma a year ago, but I've had a tumor before this. The doctors thought I was clear, but-""A year ago?" Tony asked, voice dripping bitterness in a desperate attempt to hide how it was about to crack. "You knew for a year, and didn't tell me?""I wanted to, Tony. I really wanted to, but I thought maybe if I kept getting help, kept looking for a good doctor, I don't know. I thought I could live with you for longer." A tear slid down Loki's cheek then and he pulled his hand out of Tony's. "I understand if you don't want to stay with me any longer. I've most my stuff ready to pack and can be out of ou- your apartment by tomorrow morning."Tony shook his head, a tear slipping out of his own eye as he scramble to take Loki's hand again. "Don't you dare leave.""I don't really have much choice in that," Loki said, laughing sardonically."How long did they give you?""A year and a half at most." He brought their connected hands onto his lap, cupping them with his free hand.
"I can do something, I can try something, Loki fuck," Tony started rambling, walking the fine line of hysteria. "I can help, I'll find a way to st-""You can't Tony." Loki got up and sat on him, hiding his face in Tony's neck. "We don't have enough time.""Fuck that," he said, threading his free hand through Loki's hair, pulling it out of its ponytail. He could feel Loki's tears dampening his neck. "Fuck that, Loki. You're not dying, do you hear me? You and I have all the time in the world to be together. I'll propose one night after dinner at the same restaurant we had our first date at, then we'll have mind-blowing sex in our room. We'll get married in a quiet little place with just our friends and it'll be the best night of our lives, Loki and Tony Stark. Maybe if you want, we'll adopt two kids ya know, a boy and a girl, and we'll watch them grow up. You and I will grow old together, at each other's side through everything because we're in love and we'll never stop being in love, okay?"Loki laughed wetly against Tony's throat, kissing at it softly. "Okay.""Hey, look at me." Tony pulled Loki up so that he could stare into the green eyes he'd fallen for since the first time he saw them. "I mean it."Loki didn't say anything, just wiped at the tears Tony didn't even realise had escaped him. He kissed Tony's cheeks and then his eyelids, cold fingers dancing on his throat. Loki leaned his forehead against Tony's in the way he'd done so many times before, in the way he would continue to do forever, and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you, Anthony Stark.""I love you, Loki. Always and forever," Tony promised, kissing him.He knew that if he stopped kissing him, he'd break down. Loki must have had the same train of thoughts as he kissed Tony harder, bruising his lips and ignoring the human need for air.That night was spent in a haze of slow sex on their satin sheets, exchanging kisses and love confessions like it was their first time. Loki touched and kissed like he was committing Tony to memory, like he'd never be given the chance again. Tony thrust into him hoping to erase it from his mind, attempting to reassure them that it wasn't the last time, there wasn't a speeding clock ticking above them, his fantasies of their life together would be reality.
(my dear boy, didn't anyone tell you that fantasies are hopeless?)

12 hours, 35 minutes later
He's not gone, he's not gone, he's not gone, he's not gone, he's not gone.Tony's going to walk into their apartment right now and Loki will be there, sitting on their couch and reading. He'd look up upon hearing Tony walk in and he'd smile, standing to kiss him hello. They'd wrap themselves up in a blanket and watch a movie together, Tony's arms wrapped around Loki's frail body and playing with his hair as the other man rested his head on Tony's chest, his own arms using the engineer's waist as a bolster.They'd fall asleep like that and Tony would wake up to Loki making him breakfast. They'd sit and eat together, laughing and planning their day, knowing full well that they weren't going to do any of it. They would
spend their day together on movies and horrible tv shows and Loki's amazing cooking and soft kisses and slow sex.Tony was not going to a freezing, empty home, alone.
(Loki had always liked the cold, hadn't he?)

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

4 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 22 hours and 7 minutes later
Here's something no one else knew: Tony and Loki were engaged.Instead of rings, they wore matching necklaces with a tiny diamond as a pendant. Their names were carved into it, almost invisible to the naked eye, but they knew it was there and it was always a source of comfort. Tony hasn't taken it off since the day Loki said yes.Tony and Loki were engaged and no one was any the wiser to that fact. Not Thor, not Rhodey, not Pepper, no one.Loki hadn't agreed at first. He'd cried, a lot, and he'd screamed at Tony, a lot.
Why would you want this, Tony? Are you mad, Tony? I'm going to fucking die in five fucking months Tony why the fuck do you want to doom yourself to this? Why do you keep loving me through all this, why, why, why, oh my god Anthony Stark I love you so much, why do you hurt yourself like this? Please,Tony, please, please, my love.And Tony had screamed back, ring clasped in his hand, the diamond digging into his palm and it hurt but he didn't care.
Because I love you, you asshole. You're not going to die, you're not, you're not, you're not. I love you and whatever is going to happen, it's going to be you and me against it, together, okay? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you so much, Loki Laufeyson. I choose to be here, with you, I'm not dooming myself to anything. Me and you, Lokes. Till death do us part.Loki had let just one more tear slip down his cheek before he tackled Tony into a hug, wrapping those skinny arms around his shoulders and tucking Tony's head under his chin. Till death do us part.
His own arms wrapped around the slim waist, holding him close and only pulling
away to kiss the taller man, short and tender and full of as much love as he could
convey to Loki in that one act.
(and death did do them part, slowly and painfully, stealing away all their time)

4 months 2 weeks 6 days 22 hours and 45 minutes before

"Hello? Who is this?"Tony sighed, not entirely sure how to answer. yeah, hey, it's your brother's
- you know, the one you fought with six
years ago and haven't spoken to since - fiance, how are you? do you wanna come over for dinner? there's something you need to know.
Because that would go over great."It's Tony Stark." He settled on saying. "This is Thor Odinson, right?""Yes," the gruff voice replied, sounding confused. "I'm sorry, is there something you need?""Listen, Thor, can I call you Thor?" At a yes from the other end, he continued, "great okay, Thor. I'm a, uh, friend of Loki's. Do you have a minute?""Loki! Where is he? Is he well? Jane, Loki's friend called! Can I speak to him, please?""Yeah, um, about that. He doesn't know I'm calling you. If he did I think we'd both be very dead.""Oh," Thor sounded like a kicked puppy. "What purpose do you have then?"Tony hesitated, trying to collect the words. "Loki misses you, and he's really sorry for everything. He doesn't blame you for that night, you didn't know. And that's not my place to say, I know, but will you please come over for dinner sometime? He needs to talk to you.""Why couldn't he just call me himself?""Multiple reasons. Main one being that he's a stubborn bitch that won't admit his mistakes until someone pushes him too.""I can agree with that," Thor laughed. "Yes, dinner sounds nice. When?""Tonight?"Thor agreed and Tony rattled off their address, hoping he wasn't making a huge mistake.0o0Loki thought Tony was making a huge mistake.He was mad when Tony told him his plans for dinner. Luckily, he had seen this coming and had prepared responses for every
sharp word Loki threw at him.Eventually, Loki had settled into the idea, albeit tensely, and agreed. He was still mad, and he refused to
speak to
him for about an hour earlier, but other than that he was fine.Tony had wanted to hit himself over the head with
the pointy end of a
knife when the fight had led Loki into a coughing fit, and the taller man had had to run into the the bathroom, locking Tony out as he washed the blood from his mouth. Loki assured him that he was fine, it was nothing he wasn't used to, but Tony still blamed himself. What if that coughing fit frayed their time a little more?"Are you ready?"
Tony stood outside their bedroom door, watching Loki button his shirt. It took some level of self restraint to stop himself from tearing it open again. There was something about seeing
the tall man
in a button up that just turned him into a lust-fueled monster."Yeah, let's go."Loki walked up to him and ran his hands up Tony's shirt, helping him button the top three that he'd left open. "You look good," he whispered, tilting Tony's head up into a kiss."You look even better, Lokes." He kissed his fiance softly, fiddling with the diamond hanging on his neck, proof that Loki wanted him as much as he did.Things probably would have escalated had the doorbell not rang just then. Tony hurriedly smoothed his shirt, sticking his tongue out at a laughing Loki, as he cleared his throat and fixed his hair.He opened the front door to find a very large man, blonde, blue eyes, puppy smile, taking up almost the entire frame. Beside him stood a petite woman in a pale blue dress matching Thor's dress shirt. He smiled and let them in with a polite greeting, ushering them to the couch as Loki set the table in the kitchen."Where is my brother, Tony?" Thor asked as he took a seat. His eyes scanned the room in childlike wonder, and Tony suddenly felt oxy-moronically proud yet insecure of the domesticity of his and Loki's home. Pictures of them together were hanging on the walls, and the coffee table held some of Loki's favourite books as well as small projects Tony had been working on."He's in the kitchen, should be out any minute now." Tony cleared his throat and stood up, "I'll go check on him."Before Thor could get a word in, Tony had disappeared behind the wall separating the two rooms. He found Loki standing over the sink, gripping the edges as he stared at the heating food.
Tony walked up behind him and wrapped his around his fiance, feeling the slim body relax and lean back into his touch."You okay?" he mumbled against Loki's neck."I-" Loki cut himself off with a head shake, turning so that he could face Tony, "I'm scared. He's upset at me, I know it, and I'm still angry about some things. Anthony, what if I fuck this up?""You won't, baby. He's not upset with you. He's actually really excited to see you, he looks like an over eager puppy. It's okay.""That's not the only thing I'm scared of.""I know," Tony sighed, squeezing him tighter. "I don't know how to comfort you about that one."Loki laughed softly, hiding his nerves. "We'll see how it goes.""Then let's go."Tony followed Loki out into their tiny living room, watching as his fiance seemed to get tenser with every step forward he took. He wanted to wrap Loki up in his arms, keep him there forever, away from the things that hurt him, no matter how important. But he knew the man better than that;
he would never allow himself to be coddled, to be treated like something fragile.He watched as Thor's face lit up like the sun at the sight of his not-brother walk up to him. The large man leaped up, tackling Loki into a hug that the smaller man
stubbornly didn't return at first, but gave in eventually, wrapping stick-like arms around a muscular body. The brothers embraced for a while, Thor hiding his face in Loki's hair, sounds not unlike whimpers escaping him.Tony moved to stand beside Jane as the two pulled away, both their eyes red. He watched as Thor gave Loki a once over, frowning in concern as he released his grip on his arms. Loki looked away from the piercing stare, meeting his lover's eyes for comfort. Tony offered him a small smile and a sheepish thumbs-up, successfully earning a smile from him."Are you well, Loki?" Thor questioned, still frowning. "You look sickly thin, brother.""I'm fine, Thor," Loki assured him, crossing his arms insecurely. "It's just stress."Thor looked like he wanted to argue more but Tony joined in, knowing Loki would not appreciate this line of inquiry. He's not ready."Are you guys hungry?" He said cheerfully, walking in between them and grabbing Loki's hand as he made his way to the kitchen. "Loki and I cooked earlier. Have you tried his lasagna? It's the best thing ever you've got to have some. Sit down, I'll bring it out for you. You too, Lokes, sit down. I got it, really."Loki shot him a grateful look as he took a seat at the dining table with Thor and Jane.
Tony pulled out the hot lasagna, listening Jane strike up polite conversation with his lover and silently blessing her, as he picked up the salad bowl in his other hand. He brought the food out, placing it on the table and taking a seat next to Loki."Serve yourselves."Jane thanked him, serving herself an average sized portion and a bigger one for Thor. Tony silently served himself and Loki as conversation ensued around their small dinner group, Loki enquiring after Jane's line of work."I'm an astrophysicist, actually," she said, perking Tony's interest. "I'm mainly studying Einsten-Rosen bridges right now with an old family friend, Dr Erik Selvig, and my intern Darcy.""Ooh, Einsten-Rosen bridges, fancy," Tony said, scooping salad onto Loki's plate. "Tell me everything."She complied,and they went off into their science universe, listening to each other's studies and projects and giving their own opinions. Tony was vaguely aware of Thor and Loki sharing a look, shaking their heads in understanding of each other's situation. He felt slightly sorry, but hey, at least they weren't tearing each other apart. He helped Jane where she was stuck with some calculations, half listening to Thor and Loki's conversation."So Jane is your girlfriend then?" Loki asked, taking a sip of his water."She is my fiance actually," Thor replied. "Wonderful, isn't she? I love her to pieces, brother.""She seems great, yes. I'd love to get to know her better.""And Tony? Is he your lover?"Tony heard Loki shift his weight in the chair, taking a bite of his dinner to avoid answering for a while."I have nothing against it, Loki," Thor assured, sensing his discomfort. "He seems nice, he fits well with you. I can see he cares for you deeply."Loki cleared his throat and Tony took a glimpse at him, smiling in amusement at his blushing fiance. "Yes, Anthony and I are together.""That is amazing! How long?""Over a year now. You and Jane?""3 years. You are living here, yeah? That's fantastic, brother! I'm glad you two are happy!""Likewise."Conversation through dinner followed that theme; small talk mixed in with Tony and Jane occasionally losing themselves in science. At one point, Thor deemed it appropriate to give Tony the 'hurt my brother and so help me god' speech which left the engineer terrified, Loki's hand on his thigh the only thing keeping him from running away screaming.Thor filled them in on how his life had been the past six years - the two brothers carefully avoiding the
elephant in the room - and how he'd met Jane. Their wedding was planned two months from now, and though Thor didn't mention it, it was clear that he'd been devastated his brother might not be there, and had spent many
months
searching for him to no avail. The big guy shyly asked Loki to be his best man, causing him to choke on his lasagna, nodding furiously, face split into a wide grin.After a lot of prompting, Loki told the story of how he'd met Tony and all the events that led them to moving in together. He never mentioned the engagement which confused Tony at first, but then he'd realized why and had to force down tears. Loki didn't think he'd live long enough for them to get married.
(he was right, his time ran out too soon)
The group moved to the couch after dinner, sipping on wine and telling funny stories of each other. Jane and Loki got along splendidly, and Tony adored talking science with her, already planing to invite her to his lab sometime. Thor was an all around insanely friendly guy, and Tony took a quick liking to him, though his memories of Loki's stories kept him from falling too in love with him.They fell into comfortable silence, interrupted by Loki suddenly coughing violently. Tony instinctively ran his hand along his fiance's back, grabbing tissues and holding them to his mouth as he kept coughing, louder each time. Loki ran to the bathroom once it subsided, ignoring Thor's worried call. Jane stared at the closed door with wide eyes, holding almost as much worry as her fiance's."What was that, Stark?" Thor demanded, eyes blazing. "What happened to him?"Tony hesitated, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water as he tried looking for an answer but kept coming up dry."I'm fine, brother," said Loki, startling them all as he walked back to his seat beside Tony with a glass of water in hand. "A bug has been going around here is all. You are well aware my immune system is weaker than most. It is no surprise that it hit me harder.""Are you sure Loki?" Thor stared at him doubtfully, looking at Tony for confirmation. Tony nodded, intertwining his fingers with Loki's, though he wasn't sure if it was to support him or himself.
"It's my fault really," he said. "I had it first and he took care of me. Started getting sick before I was fully okay again. But he'll be fine.""It is not your fault, Anthony," Loki said in a hard voice, squeezing Tony's hand. "Don't say that."Thor and Jane looked confused as they stared between them, sensing something deeper in the spoken words."Take care of yourself better, brother. You know how easily you fall sick.""Of course."Silence fell over them again, Loki drinking his water as everyone else nursed wine. They all stayed like that for a while longer, just content in each other's presence and the feeling of new bonds forming as old wounds healed, though not without leaving scars.
Loki cleared his throat, pulling Tony's hand, still tangled with his, into his lap as everyone's attention fell on him. "Thor," he started hesitantly, "there is something I need to tell you.""Yes?" Thor asked, confused. Tony wasn't sure where this was going either but placed his other hand over Loki's rubbing his thumb over the skin to offer comfort.
"I-" he cut himself off sharply, tightening his hold on Tony's hand. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. For blaming you, for being bitter all these years, for wasting so much of our time, time we could have spent together. It wasn't your fault, brother, you were just as unaware as I was, I should not have turned my anger at Odin on you, I sh-""Stop, Loki. I do not blame you. I understand your anger, your lashing out was valid. I will not lie, I was upset, but I have grown over it, the hurt has faded, brother. I only wish to regain the time we have lost. Let us spend the future together, yes? We have many more years to make up for it."
(no you don't, someone tell him he doesn't have any time)
At that, Loki curled into his lover, hiding his face in his neck. Tony wasted no time in wrapping his arms around the slim figure, soothing him and trying to hold back his own tears. He rubbed Loki's back, burying his own face into the silky hair, letting the smell of ice sooth him."Did I say something wrong?" Thor sounded so scared, it hurt Tony to keep the truth from him, but he knew Loki wasn't ready for him to know. "I'm sorry, I truly am.""No, Thor," Tony said, voice strained with the force of the tears he held back. "You didn't say anything wrong. It's alright, you're alright."Jane's hand on his arm stopped Thor from saying more, simply nodding and sinking back into the cushions. She held Tony's gaze, asking him silent questions and accepting his head shake in response.Loki's silent sniffs
echoed loudly through the silent room, the guests not daring to make a single move as he tried to get himself back under control.He succeeded five minutes later, pulling away from Tony to rub at his eyes harshly, erasing the evidence of his tears. It didn't work, his red eyes and nose betraying him.
"Sorry about that," he croaked out, immediately clearing his throat."No, I'm sorry. Loki I-""It's not your fault, brother. It's nothing."Thor knew his brother well enough to know fighting him would be useless so he merely sighed and looked away.
Tony swiped at his own tears, grateful no one was paying much attention to him, and brainstormed ways to politely get the couple to leave. He and Loki needed to be alone right now. Thankfully, Jane saved him, that angel."Hey, it's getting pretty late. I have an important meeting early tomorrow. I'm really sorry, Loki, Tony, but we have to go."They nodded, getting up to bid them a proper farewell.Thor was hesitant to leave, making Tony promise to look after his brother. Hugs were passed around, Loki for once initiating a hug with Thor, squeezing his brother tight.Once Jane and Thor had left, they made their way to the bedroom in silence, neither really wanting to talk. They stripped and laid down together, Loki curling into Tony, not speaking a word, just letting the silence hang heavy.

5 years 6 months 2 weeks 17 hours and 5 minutes later
When he drinks - and god, it's so often these days - it's not for the pleasure. It's for the risk factor. It's for the knowledge that he could die, would die, if he overdid it and it makes him feel sick to the bone that he could possibly want that, crave that.When he drinks - and god, it's so often these days - it's to fill a hole in himself that he knows is there, he can feel it eating him alive but no one else seems to notice it. It's to drown whatever demon has taken up residence in there and although he knows it's not real, sometimes he forgets.When he drinks - and god, it's so fucking often these days -
it's to forget. It's to forget the sound of Loki's laugh, the feeling of his hair in his fingers. It's to kill the sense memory that won't fucking stop reminding him how it felt to have the taller man pushed up against him, lips entangling with his own as hands roamed a familiar path down his body. The feeling of their bodies wrapped up together, whether they were just relaxing or doing something more intimate.It's to forget how tightly he held on to his hands, watching as he faded away, slowly but surely, knowing there was nothing he could do and hating himself for it. It's to forget the weak hands squeezing his own and him begging - hold on to me, Loki, please, please, please, don't go, don't let me go, I'll fix you I promise, please just don't go
- and how it felt when the grip went slack.When he drinks - and god, he's not going to stop anytime soon now, is he? - it's to kill himself.
(it's working)

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

2
years 3 days 7 hours and 25 minutes
after
In the end, no one had had to tell Thor. He'd figured it out himself easily enough when he had to drive Loki to the hospital for coughing up blood then fainting in his living room.The sounds that came out of the big, strong blonde man that night broke Tony's heart. There was nothing he could do but stand there, not even touching the guy as he broke down. Thor sobbed for a countless amount of time once the doctor told him his brother's condition. Jane held Tony's hand, rubbing his back and comforting him since Thor refused to let anyone near himself.Tony parked his car around 12 in the morning, having made a detour to drop Jane off, and wasn't surprised to find his fiance's brother stood at his doorstep. Thor radiated anger and sadness and betrayal, strong negative emotions breaching anyone with the misfortune of being around him at this time. Yay.Bracing himself, Tony made for his apartment, side stepping a still Thor as he unlocked the door. He wandered in, door wide open behind him, and plopped down ungracefully on the couch, needing to shut his tear burned eyes for just a minute.Thor didn't care for his peace though, and stormed in. The huge guy picked the slighter engineer up by the collar, instantly throwing away any lingering exhaustion. Tony tried to hide the fear he felt and awaited the first blow to his face. He startled, however, when he got wrapped up in arms twice the size of his own, squeezing him so hard that oxygen was now a foreign concept.The engineer hugged his could've-been-brother-in-law back, appreciating the gesture although he's pretty sure at least one cracked rib was to follow the encounter. Thor was slow in pulling away, resting beefy hands on Tony's shoulders as he stared at the smaller man with hard eyes, rimmed with pain."Why didn't anyone tell me?"Tony couldn't answer him. Partially because the voice he'd only ever heard booming and joyful was now spoken softly, words escaping in a cracked whisper."Why, Stark?" Thor asked, more demanding now, shaking Tony's shoulders a bit. "He is my brother, fuck what he said. I have a right to know about this, if he is ill, if he is going to d-""Don't you fucking dare say it. Don't you fucking dare, Thor."Tony
glared as Thor released him, falling onto the couch in a similar manner as himself earlier. He was aware that he shouldn't be so hard on the man.
(He'd just found out the timer on his brother's life was much shorter than it should've been)
"I am sorry. I should not have said that.""Yeah you shouldn't have." Tony snapped as he sat next to him, slumping on the couch with his legs spread wide. He let his head fall back, a regretful sigh escaping his lips. "Sorry."Silence. He felt Thor shift next to him, heard the sound of Thor dropping his head into his hands. Once he felt the waterworks threatening to start, he stood up. "Do you want a drink? Of course you want a drink. I'm getting you a drink. Strongest thing I have."He sloppily poured two glasses of his strongest whiskey, taking it back to the blonde. "Thank you."Tony knocked back his glass in one gulp, wandering back to the bar for more. Thor followed him, having finished his drink as well, albeit slower. He poured the both of them more drinks, finishing his off fast as Thor slowly sipped from his own. It was strong. He could already start to feel the buzz, clouding his thoughts a little.
(why didn't anyone see how early on he was starting with this, with cutting back his own clock)
"When did this all start? How long have you known?" The blonde spoke up, voice rough from the burn.Tony laughed bitterly, polishing his third glass and starting to pour another. Thor stared at him sadly but made no move to stop him, watching in understanding."Oh this started a long fucking time ago," Tony said, letting his anger creep into his words. "Him telling me though? That took some time. Bastard didn't tell me until he'd got the fucking death sentence.
Five fucking months, he said.
Right now, we got two months."Thor flinched at the poison lacing his brother's lover's words, wondering just how long the engineer had held on to those emotions, locking them away in a tight little box. Never meant to be opened."If he'd just told me," Tony continued, voice tipping on the verge of hysteria, "I could've done something I think, Thor, I'm telling you if we had time I coul- but no, that fucking asshole keeps it to himself, willing it away. He let me think he was cheating on me. He'd go out for hours, nearly every day and he'd never fucking tell me where he went so you know obviously I made my own theories and holy fuck they hurt. I know he knew I was thinking them but he never said a god damn word."Glass slammed onto the bar top, punctuating Tony's emotions. Not anger, no. Not resentment, not bitterness. He didn't know what it was but it hurt.Blue eyes glistened with tears across him. Tony couldn't look at them, opting to stare at his tv instead. "I wish he'd said something, Thor," he whispered softly."Me too," came the equally soft response.The rest of the night passed in a blur, Tony drinking far too much and Thor not stopping him, He was pretty sure the blonde had almost as much to drink as him, just slower.
At one point, he'd started falling asleep on the couch but was snapped back awake to the sound of shattering glass. He'd looked around, the adrenaline sobering him slightly, and saw Thor shaking in a corner.
Tony wanted to help, to reassure, but his words would be lies and they both knew it. Instead, he brought the nearly empty bottle to his lips, lifting it in a silent mock toast
for the smashed glass and Thor.
(here's to the constant fucking tick tock)

1 month 6 days 19 hours and 55 minutes before
There was nothing they could do but watch. They tried to help as far as they were capable, doing anything he needed help with but was too proud to admit.Tony hovered constantly, bringing him breakfast in bed, helping him into the shower on days he was just too tired. He made sure his fiance knew how much he loved him, that no matter what happened, no matter how bad things were going to inevitably get, he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't oblivious to the fact that the hovering was getting on Loki's nerves. They got into more arguments these days than he was proud of."You can't get rid of me that easily, baby," Tony said, flipping his omelette."You know that's not what I mean," Loki sighed. "You're overworking yourself, Anthony. It's pointless.""It's not.""It is and you fucking know it. You're wasting your time. Go, Tony. Work on your projects, create something amazing, blow the universe's mind. You are meant for so much, my love, and I am holding you back.""Loki, shut the fuck up." Tony decided the omelette was now scrambled eggs and got to work obliterating it. "Honestly, just stop it. I'm not leaving and neither are Thor and Jane and Pepper and Rhodey. People love you. Accept it.""Stop killing the eggs.""I'm scrambling them.""You're murdering them.""They'll still taste the fucking same, okay. They'll be the same, it's fine."Loki fell silent. It weighed on Tony's conscience but he couldn't, and wouldn't, apologize. There was nothing to apologize for. If anything, Loki should be apologizing."Here," he said, piling the very scrambled eggs onto Loki's plate."That's enough.""No, it's not. Have more.""Tony, I don't want more.""Just have a little more, Lokes. You barely even ate at dinner.""I do not have an appetite Anthony, please."Tony yearned to keep fighting, get more food into the already skeletal man, but he knew it was a waste of his breath. Loki wouldn't budge. He elected to just seat himself opposite his fiance at their tiny kitchen island and drink his coffee, his own appetite disappearing. Thor could eat the rest of the god forsaken eggs later.Loki stared at him for a long moment but Tony refused to meet his gaze, focusing on his coffee. He fiddled with the diamond on his necklace, a nervous habit he'd picked up after watching Loki do it a few times.In all honesty, Tony was just stressed.
Why wouldn't he be? The man he loved was a dead man walking, barely able to eat, sleeping a lot, coughing up more and more blood every time. HE was due to get admitted to the hospital if he passed out again. Chances were he'd never come out of there.Tony had promised to love Loki until the day he died. He just didn't know that was going to be so soon.15 minutes 58 seconds
"I love you." Loki looked around the small hospital room, those fucking gorgeous green eyes of his were red, his face spotchy. He looked at Tony and Thor. "I love you both. So much."Tony tried to smile but he's sure it ended up looking more like a grimace if Thor's similar attempt was anything to go by. Loki turned his weary, exhausted gaze onto
his brother then.Thor who was holding Loki's hand so tight his knuckles were white; Thor whose face was red from trying - and failing - to keep his tears at bay; Thor who dropped everything to run and stay at Loki's side when Tony called him; Thor who had lost so much time (he's never going to get it back) with Loki, not speaking; Thor who loves Loki so, so much; Thor who didn't have enough time.
A tear slid down Loki's hollow cheek as he looked at his adoptive brother for a long minute. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I never spoke to you all this time, I'm sorry I let you think I hated you. I don't. I never did, I never could. I'm sorry brother," Loki said in that weak voice of his (getting weaker with every minute because its almost time) and Thor gripped his hand tighter - if that was even possible - and shook his head."Its okay, brother. Its not your fault. Do not think of these things now. I do not blame you, no one does. Its alright, Loki, its alright," Thor gulped, swallowing down what was almost definitely a sob judging by the strangled sound of his voice."I'm going to be with mother now," Loki whispered, more tears filling his eyes at every word. "I'll be with her and I'll tell her how much you miss her and how you-" he was cut off by another one of those awful, awful coughs.His whole body shook with the force of it and Tony hurried to give Loki a wad of tissues to hold against his mouth. He was disheartened but unsurprised to note the higher amount of blood on it compared to last time. Thor noticed as well, shedding a few more tears to mirror Tony's own.
(they knew their time was running out)

14 minutes and 35 seconds
"I know, brother," Thor sounded like it was taking all his strength and willpower to hold back the sob choking him, clogging his throat. "I know and I love you. I have never, will never, and could never stop loving you. Oh Norns, Loki, my brother, why is this happening, why is time-"
The sob finally wrangled itself free from his throat, dragging out with it a heart broken wail. Thor cried harder than he possibly ever had before, still holding Loki's hand tight, impossibly tight, not willing to let him go, not yet, not now, not ever.
(too bad; his time is almost up)
13 minutes and 10 seconds "I'm sorry," Thor whispered into the heavy silence following his breakdown. "I shall leave you two alone to - to talk."
(say your goodbyes, lovers)
He made to walk away but was stopped by Loki reaching out to grab his hand back. "Stay, Thor." Tony was the one who spoke for Loki, knowing his
fiance was too choked up to do it on his own right now. "You can stay. Its alright."Thor nodded and took a seat on the chair he previously occupied, beside Tony who was seated on the bed opposite Loki. They sat in deafening silence.
(wasting time, don't waste time, you don't have much left)

11 minutes 49 seconds
"Anthony. Tony. My Tony," Loki broke the silence, whispering almost inaudibly and trying to pull Tony closer with his weak hands, having let go of Thor. "You have given me a lifetime worth of love that I had never expected to receive from anyone. You have given me things I could never even allow myself to hope for in my wildest dreams. You have made me happier than I ever believed to be written in my fate in the short time we spent together. Thank you, my love. Don't you dare ever forget how much I love you, Anthony."His words caused the facade Tony had been desperately trying to maintain to finally break. Tears slid down his face freely, soaking his cheeks and he sobbed harder, knowing but not yet fully accepting that this would be the last time he ever spoke with the man he loved more than anything, more than anyone, in this universe and whatever else was out there.He leaned in, burying his face in the hollow of Loki's painfully sharp collarbone and breathing in the smell of hospital, cleansing agents, cancer, and
the icy scent
that was so unmistakably Loki that it caused him to release yet another heart wrenching sob. Loki's frail arms were wrapped around him, keeping him near, and he knew without looking that the man was crying too.
(as he should, that's what people do when time runs out)

10 minutes and 22 seconds
"I love you too, Loki. Always, always, Loki, I could never stop if I tried. I'm yours, yours, forever, I love you so so much, Loki, Loki, Loki," Tony's words faded as he cried harder. He heard Thor softly sob somewhere in the background. Loki held him as tightly as his weak arms would allow.Tony looked up, removing his forehead from Loki's collarbone to cup his face and pull his lover, his fucking fiance into a kiss. They kissed long and soft, the most tender and loving kiss Tony had ever experienced; the type he had only ever shared with Loki.
The kiss was filled with all the emotions, all the words they wanted to say but they didn't have enough time
dammit, but they didn't need to say it, not when they understood each other so perfectly.They pulled away slowly, leaning in for a chaste kiss before pulling away completely,
resting their foreheads together, breathing each other in. Loki's hand came up to wipe away the tears that had escaped Tony during their embrace. They closed their eyes; Tony moving in to wrap Loki in himself, Loki's arms wrapping around him in return and they stayed there, memorizing the feel of each other as if they didn't already know everything there was to know; getting lost in their memories of each other; the smell of their bodies pressed together.Loki took a shuddering, gasping breath and Tony knew what was coming as Loki pulled away from him, coughing violently and pressing a hand against his own chest in a futile attempt to slow the coughs down.
(give them more time)

7 minutes and 10 seconds
Tony offered him him more tissues and he accepted shakily, coughing louder with each passing second as Tony rubbed his back soothingly. Thor stood up quickly to pour his brother a glass of water. They both watched as the red bled through the tissues. There was distressingly more than before.When he had eased and drank the water Thor offered him, Loki leaned back into Tony. He stretched his right arm out to hold Thor's hand and moved his left up to cup Tony's neck. They listened in melancholic silence as Loki airily hummed the melody that had been playing the night Tony realised he had fallen completely, undoubtedly, irreversibly in love with Loki Laufeyson.

(if he only knew, back then, how little time he would have)

5 minutes and 59 seconds
He sat there, breathing in sync with what he knew were some Loki's final breaths. Thor was sobbing openly now, not even trying to hide it. He was stroking the back of Loki's hand with his thumb in what had probably been an attempt to comfort Loki but was mostly to comfort himself; telling himself that he's still here, he's not gone yet, there can you feel his pulse? He's still here, still breathing, still alive.
(not for long; any minute now)
Loki looked a Thor with a pained resignation. He was silently telling the blonde that this is it, that was his last cough, he's going to leave them now, no more Loki, it was only a matter of time and-Tony was pulled out of his painful thoughts by Loki squeezing his hand. The man had always been able to tell when Tony's thoughts took a turn for the worse, straying into horrible places.
(but it was real, all his nightmares were, they were almost out of time)

5 minutes and 36 seconds

Loki smiled at him softly. There was a deep, unyielding sadness in those fucking gorgeous green eyes. But there was also something akin to relief. He was finally letting go, he wouldn't be in pain anymore.Tony leaned forward that little bit to kiss him again, desperately, needing Loki - the man he loved so fucking much, the man he was engaged to, the man he knew he would never forget no matter how hard he tried - to stay just a little longer, please, please, Loki I'm begging you please, Loki don't leave, I can't lose you, you can't leave, Loki, please, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.Loki kissed him back just as hard, understanding what Tony wasn't saying, apologising for leaving, telling him you'll be okay, you'll be fine, you'll still live without me around, its alright Anthony, its okay my love, you have to let me go, you have to forget.They pulled away and let out identically mournful sobs, tears spilling from both their cheeks. Loki's sobs were shaky and tired and painful; Tony's were filled with loss and mourning and anger at the cruelty of the world for not giving them more time.
(it was cruel like that; not giving us enough time when we need it but offering too much when all we want is for the clock stop its godawful ticking)
Loki ripped his gaze from Tony at the sound of Thor's loud sob. Loki moved slightly away from Tony for a minute to pull his brother into a tight hug. Thor hugged him back tighter, but not too tight as he feared he might break Loki if he squeezed too hard. Tony could understand that. Loki just looked so fucking fragile.
(because his time is almost up, any minute now, tick tock tick tock, say your goodbyes my loves)

3 minutes and 57 seconds

Loki hugged Thor back just as tightly, holding the man he had spent years pretending, trying, to hate; conveying all his regrets loud and clear, hoping Thor understood.They pulled away from each other but kept their hands locked. Loki used his free one to grab Tony's hand from where he was using it to bury his face. Thor took hold of Tony's other hand - to say that he had his back, when all this was over and the man they loved was gone, he would be there to help him, be his friend - and Tony accepted it, seeing Thor's sad smile.Tony couldn't bring himself to smile back.
(how could he when there was almost no time left)

2 minutes 45 seconds
Loki sighed - a shaky, breathy, wet sound - and they all knew it was happening. This is it. It was happening now. Loki was leaving them.The dark-haired, green-eyed, gorgeous, smart, fucking amazing man looked around the room one last time. He took in the sunlight streaming in through the half closed blinds; he felt the cold air surrounding him and the warm hands holding his; he listened to the sounds of nurses and patients hurrying around outside; he breathed in the smell of hospital and cleansing agents and cancer and the two men who loved him most in this world."I love you," he whispered, voice weaker than it had ever been before. He brought their hands slowly up to his lips and kissed them - Thor then Tony - and then he leaner back into the pillows, closing those impossibly green eyes. "I love you both. So, so much."They whispered the sentiment back to him, barely able to see anything through the tears blocking their view, threatening to spill. They squeezed each others hands upon seeing a tear escape Loki's closed eyes and run past his lips that were quirked into a ghost of a smile."I love you," the man whispered again.And then, everything was cold.(time's up)