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It had all been because of the music.Los Angeles, three days away from everyday worries, showing him her home planet. Walking the street aimlessly, unable to sleep, that hole in the wall club had somehow called out to them.Inside, a small stage, hard industrial beats and hoarse screaming vocals echoing off a low ceiling that was dripping with condensation. The guests mostly dressed in black, writhing, jumping, moving like waves against a cliff.On the few occasions they went out together, they always stuck to small venues. Alternative crowds tended to be more accepting of aliens. Yet even there, they never dared show affection, too much danger of offending those humans still resentful for the First Contact War.The music went straight to their feet, loud and contagious, synching with their heartbeats and urging them on. She looked up at him while dancing, unable to hide her smile, her excitement at being here with him, at feeling so incredibly alive all of a sudden, the beat pulsing in her head and her veins. Always having to defend him against all the irrational hate was exhausting, yet he filled her with so much affection. And she took him in, his fringe highlighted in neon by the strobing lights, that streamlined turian profile she loved so much turned towards the stage in fascination. He was the one, there was no doubt in her heart. No matter how hard their future was going to be."Reminds me of a band we used to listen to back on Thracia“, he rumbled into her ear over the music. "The Hierarchy‘s Fist. Very controversial. Our supervisors in boot camp hated them.“She turned towards him to say something witty about his ‘rebellious past’, but in that same moment, out of the blue, he swept her off her feet, like they did in those sappy old Earth movies. She felt his mouth plates against her lips and threw her arms around his carapace in reflex, the beat pulsing all around them, carrying them along, setting their blood on fire.A few cheers erupted from those standing close to them. Most of the audience were focused on the stage and didn‘t even notice their kiss, but right there in the middle of the crowd, infused with the beat, for a short moment they were an island of calm in a sea of movement. She tasted him on her lips, so warm, so familiar, and her heart ached with love. This was it. The moment. Nothing mattered right now but them, in this cellar, surrounded by strangers. And their hearts in synch with the music.
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From time to time, when their schedule allowed, they‘d sit down for language lessons. It was nice, hearing each others‘ voices untainted by the automated translation voiceover."Once more. Kaua’i. Kau-WAH-ee. Repeat.“"No idea what you’re saying. Ka-ha-ee.“"Try harder! Kau-WAH-ee.“"Ka-ha-ee. You are aware that my facial structure won‘t let me articulate your words?“"I only hear growls. Kau-WAH-ee.“"Ka-ha-ee. Honestly, you live in the place with the worst name!“Some rustling, as if one was shoving the other into a pile of leaves, muffled laughter while translators were switched back on."You won‘t get any dinner until you pronounce this right!“"You‘re a mean woman, Ms. Bergen.“The soft sound of kisses dotting turian faceplates."…and you‘re a lousy student, Mr. Artaxias.“Laughter rang out over the beach again, one high and bright, the other in deep, rumbling dual tones.And then, only the sound of the waves, and the wind in the trees.
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People called her strange, or sick, for falling in love with an alien. Especially one from a species humans had fought out a war with, albeit it had been a very short one, or more of a misunderstanding. Most conveyed their concerns in the way they glanced at her, a frown on their faces and that peculiar ‚you’re a poor deranged woman’ kind of look in their eyes. Some would yell insults after her, but never confront her openly. Sometimes she’d feel sad at their responses, sometimes angry, sometimes dismissive.
The path they had chosen wasn’t easy, but at the end of the day, when he’d rub his forehead against her hair in order to mark her with his scent, purring gently, or she’d glide her fingertips over his fringe, marvelling at its texture, all the remorse and hardship was forgotten.
And though even for her, some of his mannerisms had been strange at first, by now she loved everything about him, how he‘d sand-bathe on the beach in the morning, when he thought nobody was looking, diving into the sand like an oversized cat rolling in a patch of catnip...The way he tore into his food when he was really hungry, ripping huge chunks from it with those sharp teeth of his and sometimes swallowing the bites without chewing properly, but at the same time knowing how careful he would be with her, in those warm tropical nights.How, from time to time, he‘d bend down on their walks along the coast in order to collect small stones, black volcanic ones polished smooth by wind, sand and ocean. ‚For my gizzard‘, he‘d say, and look away as if it was something to be ashamed of.She loved the way he drank from human glassware, with that peculiar tilt of his head backwards, tiny sips that reminded her of birds flocked around a watering hole, or the soft lapping sounds when he drank from a bowl....and especially him panting after exercising in the midday sun, glistening in the bright daylight, mouth open, mandibles slightly flared to let the heat escape, his tongue a greyish blue against the taupe of his plates.
Seeing him act out his natural self filled her with so much warmth, and affection, a peculiar feeling that bloomed in her chest, in between all the regrets and darkness she kept hidden inside. Yes it was strange, by human standards, and those around her would word their concerns, or their disapproval, again and again, but she was his, and he was hers, and she wouldn‘t have it any other way.
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She managed well most of the time, going through everyday life with determination and vigour.Yet on certain days, triggered by minute failures or difficulties popping up on the way, that feeling of dread, of despair, would creep up inside her, very gently at first, and obscure her heart slowly, like snow falling on a nighttime meadow.It was hard. She was good at keeping up this image of being able to cope with what happened all those years ago, of being strong, so nobody ever asked her how she felt. But whenever she dared open up to someone, describing these moments of darkness inside, they‘d say something along the lines of “Just pull yourself together, it‘ll be fine tomorrow“, and that hurt the most.Sometimes she‘d be frustrated at everything around her, when lunch prep didn‘t advance as smoothly as imagined, about extranet orders that should have arrived a week ago, when her long outdated omni-tool crashed again.On other days, she was more troubled about herself, about what she had become. And she‘d look down at her prosthetics, those things that were both part of her and somehow not, for everything advanced medicine and engineering could do, the neural feedback was simply not the same. She missed the feeling in her right hand the most. Especially when she opened the latches before taking a shower and looked down at the scarred remains of her arm first and then at the carbon shell lying still on the table. That’s when she’d remember about the airlock coming down. And how she used to be, back in her ordinary life, before that day. Bored, lonely. Safe. Whole.But here, sitting on her porch on the beach, the sound of the Pacific in her ears, where she thought she’d find peace far away from interstellar politics, from xenophobia, from all the scheming, she’d look down at two arms and two legs, two made of warm skin and flesh and two made of carbon and circuitry, and they were just… not her own.Most people would shake their heads, or shrug, telling her she was lucky to have survived, that she should be grateful. It was a constant fight.But then, he had come back. The one she thought she had lost forever. He was different. He‘d been there, seen the chasm, he knew what she was going through because he‘d barely escaped that day, too, with his very own set of scars. Those in his soul, that wouldn‘t let him sleep at night, that would only flash up in his impossibly green eyes on certain occasions, fear and loss reflecting in them, gone in the fraction of a second. He was good at hiding his feelings from the universe. Maybe even more skilled than she was.In those nights, when she‘d lie awake, tears rolling down involuntarily, soaking into her hair, she‘d listen to him, all the sounds he made when he was having that dream. All the tiny growls, and almost inaudible keens, his subvocal fear resonating inside her. And she‘d reach out, with her good hand, so she could feel him the way she was supposed to, and trail her fingers over the plates that covered his forehead and cheeks, feeling their rough texture, wandering down to caress a twitching mandible. And when he‘d open his eyes, first in shock, all that unspoken terror in them, before focusing on her face in the half-light, he‘d finally exhale, and extend his long arms to hold her close, without saying a word. In those moments, nothing else mattered but them, here.Survivors.She felt his three fingers intertwine with her artificial ones in the near dark, for that tiny bit of fake neural feedback it gave her, she appreciated the way he accepted all of her without question, and she looked down to marvel time and time again at how small her hand felt in his.The scars would never fade, no matter how much they both wished for them to disappear, how hard they tried getting over what had happened. Yet no matter what the universe was going to hurl at them, one thing she felt in her heart- They‘d face it together.
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She knew that people were talking behind her back when she walked past. By now, she‘d gotten used to them discussing who she was.
“Look, isn’t that the poor girl who survived the Terra Firma conspiracy three years ago?”
“Yeah. Wow she really looks her age. Must be hard, walking around with prosthetics so early in her life. See the drag in her leg?”
“Yes. Couldn‘t she have gotten more inconspicuous ones? It‘s appalling!”She put up with it, treated everyone courteously nonetheless. Built herself a reputation of being a good host, of meeting her guests, no matter which species, with grace and honesty. She’d gotten used to the silent insults.But now, after his arrival, it was the same bullshit all over again, just a little different.“Look Fred, it’s Bergen!”“Have you heard? That alien is going to stay here! On Kaua‘i! Our island! Isn‘t there a law against that?“ “He‘s so big! Have you seen his claws?? I mean he jogs on the beach in the morning barefooted, it‘s like a goddamn 2 meter velociraptor charging at you!“ “God turians are scary. They can’t be trusted. What if he goes berserk one day?” “Well I’m sure we could take that thing down. But Bergen won’t like it…. Hey, do you think they f–” “Yuck! Is that even possible? And wouldn’t that be considered bestiality?“ “I don’t know! He’s sentient, I think? But I saw them bump heads one evening, and he ran one of those massive hands down her arm and she seemed to like it. I’m sure she’s one of those xeno pervs totally into getting fu–” “Shhh shutup shutup–!”She knew what fuelled their talk anew, and it did hurt. A lot. Yet she decided that every time she’d go to town, she‘d smile and put up with it. Every single time."Good morning Ms. Imamura. Mr. Imamura. Hey Fred! Lovely day today, isn‘t it?“"It is indeed! Thanks for asking, Ms. Bergen. Hope the guesthouse is doing fine?“"Yes thank you. My new assistant’s settling in well, too. Quite a difference from living in Citadel space, he said. His residence permit’s still hanging, but he loves the climate here.“"Oh how nice! Tell him welcome to Kaua’i from all of us, will you?“"Sure, I’ll let him know!“She‘d pay, hoist the crates of produce, and leave after some more small talk.And she knew exactly what happened once she turned the corner.“That nerve, lying to us so openly? Assistant my ass! The way she smiled at mentioning him? Disgusting!”“Hey you never know, maybe he‘s a real stud? I‘ve heard stories from an Alliance officer…” “Oh come on! More like no decent guy in his right mind would have her, she‘s crazy!”She’d sigh while blinking away a few tears, thinking about her life before all of this. Every time, she’d make her way back to the beach, and hear the sound of busy preparations in the kitchen from afar.And she’d call his name, anticipation in her voice. She’d break into a smile when he stepped out onto the veranda, greeting her with that little scrunch of his nose and a flick of his mandibles that was so him.It was hard. But she looked at him, and her heart ached with love. As long as he was here with her, she could surely put up with a little more slander.
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“Mr. Artaxias? Congratulations. Please follow me.“It was a lanky salarian nurse escorting him through the hospital’s lobby into one of the patient wards, and Kieran felt incredibly out of place in his scuffed C-Sec armor in here, where everything was so white and polished and smelled of disinfectant. The news had reached him while on patrol, but he was lucky and his supervisor had waved him off with a gruff “Go, you only become a first-time father once.“Before he could even greet his sleeping mate, a tiny baby was thrust into his hands, looking crumpled and fuzzy like all newly born turians did, dermal plates still thin and pliable, no teeth, no talons, no fringe. Vestigial down covered most of its head and neck. It reminded Kieran of that picture of a wet chicken he’d been shown years ago. On Earth, by her. The one he wouldn’t dare talk about, but whose loss he lived through again and again, in his dreams.The baby looked up at him, giving a soft chirp.“He’s got your eyes, same bright green“, he heard his mate’s tired but content voice behind him, and turned around, still carrying his son in his arms, to see her sit up in bed.“But his mother’s good looks. I’m so proud of you.““Flatterer. I’ll have to stay here until tomorrow for last checks. So worn out. Looking forward to those two weeks of leave…“She reclined into the cushions and was back asleep in seconds.Full of vigor, the baby tried to move, then gave a frustrated dual-toned squeak when it noticed it couldn’t get away. Kieran’s mandibles twitched in amusement at the unfamiliar sound. Family life was going to be a whole new world for sure, but suddenly he wasn’t so sure anymore if it was what he wanted.“Hey, Hadrian“, he said while carefully running one of his gloved fingers underneath the baby’s chin. The gesture rewarded him with another high-pitched chirp that somehow sounded full of hope.Lost in thought, his heart heavy, Kieran clutched the newborn to his breastplate, staring out of the window overlooking the Presidium. He knew he was supposed to feel happier. It was his child, after all. Yet in between all the pride he felt for his mate, in between everything he had accomplished in the last years, and all the love that he had received, there was a void inside of him, something missing. He’d gotten used to the emptiness being there, but the fact it came back into focus right now, and with such force, worried him a lot.Because that empty space was Jane-shaped.
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We are not alone.
The news about First Contact came during a boring shift, while she’d been processing immigration requests.
It’s war!! They’re huge, and dangerous. We have to protect Earth. Mobilize Alliance troops!
A few months that civilians in Sol system spent in fear of something evil crossing the Charon relay, all the while stories from Shanxi flashed over the vid screens, of heroic troops fighting against the alien aggressor.Jane, trapped in her everyday life, lonely and numb, didn’t really know how to feel about it. Life went on for most humans, the conflict was so far away. She was fearful, to a certain extent. But most of all, her heart ached at the promise of other places, wonderful worlds to explore, and the First Contact had been the spark igniting her imagination.The war passed quicker than expected. Galactic council stepped in, and suddenly, the Milky Way was this place full of life, so many species living together in relative harmony, so many worlds inhabited, all that new information and technology flooding the markets! Wonderland for those who could afford it. All the while, Earth kept turning. Everyday life went on. Reparation payments were made, grudgingly, humanity invited into the circle of spacefaring species, Earth connected to the galactic credit markets.Jane got an omni-tool, a very basic model, that she had to keep clipped to her wrist like a watch. A far cry from those streamlined implanted things the Alliance brass liked to flaunt. She commuted up to the terminal in orbit every day by herself, changed into her uniform, passed her boring shifts dreaming about beautiful alien worlds she knew she’d never be able to see. She felt more lonely than ever, in a universe that had suddenly gotten much bigger. The most exciting thing that happened to her in 2158 was getting to meet asari and salarians, she found them quite affable. But she never thought she’d meet a turian, them, so spiky and proud. The enemy, many humans would say for years to come.And never would she have imagined that one day she’d fall for one, that eight years after First Contact, every night she‘d sleep accompanied by gentle, dual-toned snores.It had been humans against turians in the beginning. Now, here on her little island, sometimes it felt more like Jane and Kieran against the rest of the galaxy. But in the end it didn’t matter that much. They were in it together.
I am not alone.
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“One ‘Intimate Togetherness’ Mineral Mud Treatment please.“Booking a beauty session up in the mountains with your partner was -usually- not a very big deal. A little bit more if it was a posh spa on Earth, the year was 2166 and your boyfriend a big turian, and you promised to show him how human couples bonded.All business, Jane smiled at the receptionist while she observed his facial expression turn from ‘polite activity’ to ‘intently friendly’. Nobody had outright refused to take care of Kieran yet, but Jane knew staff only put up with them because they were going to spend quite a lot of credits on this beauty treatment. Inwards, she felt a little sorry for the spa staff- one turian (maybe their first interstellar guest) and a woman with extensive prosthetics were definitely not the most everyday of customers.“Sir I thought this through. I can detach my arm to protect the circuitry, and my companion here will be fine as long as he doesn‘t get anything into his mouth or on his mucous membranes. He‘ll be fine with the fango. It’ll keep his plates shiny and prevent flakiness. Oh and I want all the trimmings and decorations please.““Of course. One second.“The receptionist gave a nervous smile before excusing himself to the back room where they heard some heated argument take place.“Should we leave? I don‘t want to cause trouble“, Kieran rumbled into Jane‘s ear, in a very low voice.She chuckled. „No way! I kinda want them to suffer a bit? It‘s not a big deal, and it‘s not as if I asked them to give you a massage, I doubt they got the equipment for that.“Finally, they were escorted to the treatment room by two young female massage therapists dressed in white. Both looked a bit disgruntled, and their faces slipped into a look of shock for a split second when Jane and Kieran were asked to take off their clothes and lie down on the massage couches; Jane casually popping the latches on her prosthetic arm, putting it aside as if that was the most normal thing to do before methodically wrapping the joints of her right leg with cling film in order to protect the seams and circuitry, while Kieran made a show of undressing very slowly, exposing his plated chest and carapace. By now, he knew exactly how to flaunt his size and features to get maximum response from humans not acquainted to aliens. Not even their furtive glance down to the seam in his pelvic plates went unnoticed. His demand for a big pillow to prop up his head was accommodated quite quickly after that.As always, beauty treatments were fantastic. Jane loved going to the spa; even more so since she usually didn‘t have the time nor money for it. As she lay there feeling the warm fango being applied and massaged into her skin, then being wrapped in foil and a warm blanket, she couldn‘t suppress a content sigh. Heaven. Going back to Switzerland for a short holiday over New Year was definitely worth it- even if it put a strain on her finances and people were giving her and Kieran strange looks. She couldn‘t refrain from opening one eye a tiny bit and glancing over to where Kieran was lying on his stomach, keel bone padded by the cushion, the massage therapist working dollops of dark green mud into the gaps between his plates. Her facial expression was a bit sour. Most likely she hadn‘t signed up for pampering big purring aliens by spreading huge amounts of fango all over them.„All set“, the lady said to Jane when she was done applying the face pack, with a strange twitch to the right corner of her mouth. It seemed she had troubles wording the standard phrase she was used to. „We’ll let you rest for thirty minutes. Take your time to relax, enjoy the... togetherness. We’ll come back and lead you to the showers, afterwards you're free to, uhm, enjoy the private spa and sauna.”Feeling safe and cradled, swathed in blankets, Jane turned her head and took a long, hard look at Kieran. She knew she wouldn‘t win the beauty pageant herself right now with only one arm and her artificial leg wrapped in foil plus all that green goo on her face, but she couldn‘t contain her laughter when Kieran shot her a sour glance, the mud already gone crusty on his facial plates, flaking off his brow whenever he moved a little.„Dear, you’re really ugly with that mud crust on. Like the swamp creature!“ Jane managed to say in between giggles.Kieran chuckled at her remark, trying to struggle out of the mass of blankets he’d been wrapped in but to no avail. The therapist had made sure he was covered perfectly. Relaxation was the key. Jane heard him stifle an irritated growl.„Hey, I thought this was a supposed to be a romantic getaway, showing me how human couples bonded, but all that happened was that I paid quite the sum of credits to let myself get wrapped in a squishy straightjacket by a surly looking woman and on top of everything, you compare me to a monster? I didn‘t think you could get any less romantic, actually.“Seeing his doubtful expression, Jane couldn’t help but laugh. „Stop complaining. We’ll wait until we’re freed by the grumpy ladies and then enjoy beautifully soft skin and shiny plates? The smoochy part will follow later. Private bathing in termal water, nice hot sauna with fragrance infusion... you'll love it. And I'll make sure you get your dose of romance, ok?“He inclined his head a little, as well as he could, one irritated mandible twitching in a futile effort of getting the mud off. When he spoke up, mischief vibrated in his subvocals.„Sounds like a good plan. But next time, let's do the one hour couple's massage and scrub? I kinda want to give the massage therapist an aneurysm at seeing me naked and figuring out how to knead my shoulders.""You are aware that emotional torture isn't legal? And now lie back and relax", Jane replied with a giggle. "That's an order.""Yes ma'am."
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It was a universal truth that turians had a hard time getting human idioms right. Their efforts of “blending in“ by constantly making up their own didn’t make the fact any better.“Ok ok, but how about ‘like a dog in a suit’ to denote something impossible?“ Kieran asked.Shaking her head, Jane chuckled at him. It was the third time today he tried his hand at creating new figures of speech, with moderate outcome.“Kieran, dogs don‘t wear clothes. And we got that saying already in different variations. We say ‘when pigs fly’ or ‘like snow in summer’, depending on our mother tongue.”“But the dog one is funnier! I like dogs.“Jane patted his knee. “I know you do. How about this- you stop making up new idioms nobody understands, and we adopt a dog? You could put it in a suit on special occasions.““Very funny, Ms Bergen.“But he did stop the new idiom nonsense. And kept sending her links of dog shelters to her omni-tool instead.
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Evenings like these, with few guests and even fewer things to do, were sparse. They took every chance they got to sit on the weather worn porch, enjoying each other’s company while listening to the sound of the pacific waves on their doorstep.Running her fingers over the rugged wood in an absent-minded manner, Jane was sipping on a soda. Lost in thought, her chin propped in one hand, she only looked up when she heard Kieran approach and squat down near her. His purr was a calming background noise melting into the sound of the ocean, so familiar and dear to her. When the wind picked up, bringing the acrid smell of paint thinner with it, she realized he had poured himself a small vial of turian brew. The bottle of booze was one of his most prized possessions and was only opened on special occasions. Though the extranet proved to be invaluable in this regard, it was still expensive to get dextro food and daily necessities on Earth. They definitely didn’t have extra credits to spare on luxury goods. On top of that, Jane had sworn to herself not to touch one drop of alcohol ever again. She’d spent too much of her life drowning worries in whiskey.“What’s with the drink?” Jane asked with a quirk of her right eyebrow. “Got something to celebrate?”He gave a low chuckle, or more of a rumble, that started deep in his chest, before cocking his head to one side, the lighting from the torches affixed to the handrail casting the plates on his cheek and his fringe in a golden light.“I don’t know? Just seemed like a good idea.”“Hm. You’re a shitty liar.” Jane leant over to trace the cream-white markings on his cheeks with her right hand. “Come on, tell me?”Kieran caught her hand in his, dipping down to brush his mouth plates against the smooth carbon of her prosthetic. He liked doing that, lavishing her with small attentions, as if he was still feeling bad about leaving her behind all those years ago and had to catch up on endearment.“I got a mail today”, he said then, gazing out over the beach and the dark ocean. “A reply from Honolulu Spaceport. As soon as my residence permit comes through, I can start working.”Jane looked at him, her eyes widening in surprise as she tried processing the news. Finally something positive. Her heart overflowing with relief, she cast her bottle to the side and jumped Kieran, kissing him square on the mouth, making them both topple off the veranda onto the beach, like two teenagers suddenly aware of their feelings. Soda bubbled over the steps, seeped into the sand, underlined by the sound of the waves, and overjoyed squeals.Things were looking up on their little patch of earth.
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It was warm and cozy when Jane woke. Cradled in Kieran‘s arms, she felt safe, everyday worries far away. It had taken them quite a few attempts to find a position that was comfortable for both of them, but if they lay on their sides and she scooted back against him, his arms around her, it worked remarkably well, even on the single bed in her former childhood room.She heard Kieran grumble something in half-sleep and snuggled closer until her head was nestled under his chin. This was the perfect moment… …New Year, too. She hadn‘t been home with her parents in three years, and it was a beautiful feeling, as if she was again ten years old and cuddled under the covers during those two blissful transition weeks between Christmas and the next semester of school, when nothing really happened and the whole world was in food-induced heaven. Her mind comforted in pink cotton wool, she let her imagination drift, listened to the tiny sounds Kieran made while sleeping, all his subvocal purrs of cosiness, the ones she recognized as the ones he showed her his love with.It was a perfect moment, until someone started banging on the door."Jane get up! It’s 11.20. You know how much Grandma hates us to be late! I tried waking Kieran but he didn’t answer the door."Jane’s eyes flew open. New Year’s lunch at Gramma’s. Damn!"Shit!“ She shot up, the top of her head colliding with Kieran‘s jaw. He gave a startled chirp at being woken so abruptly but rolled over to the other side, almost shoving her off the bed.Jane braced herself with her one arm, then twisted around and started shaking his shoulder frantically, eliciting a grumble from him. On the few occasions he wasn’t troubled by nightmares, Kieran slept incredibly deep."Shitshitshit! Kieran, we need to get ready! Mom said we‘d leave at 11.30!“ His answer was a purr, unheeding the second, more urgent knock."Coming, Mom!“Cursing, Jane hopped on one foot, wrestled on her panties and tanktop with one hand before scooping up her prosthetic and connecting it with its socket with practiced ease.By now, Kieran had cracked one eye open, blinking at her sleepily."Look inconspicuous, will you?“ Jane said to him, then threw the covers over his head. There was no way to hide a turian his size with only a couple of duvets, but it was the effort that counted. "Dear, you‘re not thirteen anymore,“ his muffled voice came from under the blankets. "Why can‘t you let them see we‘re together?“ "Because it‘s my parents! They’re… complicated. I can‘t go ‘Hey dad, by the way, I‘m banging a turian‘. He‘ll get an aneurysm!“"Girl, are you ok?" her mom’s voice rang up again, this time sounding more doubtful.Oh well, now or never.Jane sighed, then yanked open the door, greeting her mother in all her unkempt, early-morning glory."Mom… Mornin’. We’ll be ready in five, I promise. I‘ll explain later.“ And with that she tore down the hallway to the bathroom, slamming the door shut, leaving her mother standing in the entrance dumbfounded- and faced with a big, naked turian struggling out of the mass of blankets he’d been covered with.Kieran cleared his throat."Happy New Year, Ms. Bergen. You have a lovely daughter,“ he said, as dignified as possible, his mandibles twitching as he watched her facial expression go from mildly confused to openly appalled.Oh, it was going to be an interesting year.
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On a new moon night, Jane took Kieran out after she’d closed the guesthouse for the evening, dragged him to her favourite place off Tunnels Beach for stargazing. A little digging in the soft sand allowed Kieran to lie down without discomfort, and they nestled together staring up into the velvety darkness, tracing constellations with their fingertips.“What’s this one called?” Kieran asked.“That’s Pegasus.”“What is a… pegasus?”“Have you ever seen a horse? Pegasus was a horse with wings, from Greek mythology. He carried a hero named Bellerophontes on his back, helped him accomplish various deeds … when I was young, I was so in love with the stars, so desperate to escape my life, I knew all of those stories by heart. I forgot most of them, but they were nice.”She gave a heartfelt sigh as she stared up into the velvety sky.“Where‘s Palaven?” Kieran asked after a few minutes of silent contemplation, listening to the waves washing up the shore.Jane powered up her omni-tool, entered the data, and squinted at her display before waving at an indistinct patch of faint stars above the horizon.“Trebia is one of those over there.”“Hm. Shame we can’t see it from here. Would have been nice.” A hint of sadness was showing in his voice, and his subvocals had started taking on that peculiar frequency she’d identified as regret.“Yeah.”Jane reached over to him, squeezed his arm. He put up with a lot to be here with her, and she knew how much it meant to him to remember his roots, to have something to ground himself.“Did turians name their constellations? Any cool legends?” she asked to take his mind off things.“Of course.” Kieran pushed himself onto his elbows, sand cascading from his carapace and fringe. “They’re named after heroes, and mythological figures. Just like yours. Stories from back in the old times, when spirits roamed the lands and our ancestors lived along the shores, hunting for shellfish in tide pools.”He looked over at Jane, lost in thought as she contemplated the night sky.“Sometimes, auroras would touch the earth and manifest themselves as spirits. Huge silver beasts that made the ground shake with their roars, or shadows, intangible, creeping up on unwary fledglings who strayed too far from their parents cowls. They’d extend their claws and snatch the chicks… like this!”His hand shot out without warning, grabbed Jane around the wrist. It made her jump, and scream, startling two birds that shot out of the bushes with a squawk."Gods Kieran don‘t scare me like that?“ she hissed, clutching at her chest in an attempt to calm her thundering heart.A smug chuckle. He leaned over in the dark to rub his forehead against her temple in apology."What was the word you taught me yesterday? Fraidy cat?“ he whispered against her hair. She swatted at him in feigned outrage.“You’re daft, Kieran.”“Admit it; that’s why you like me.”“Sometimes I wonder why….” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Please continue.”“All right.” He stroked her hair to calm her, then pointed upwards at the sky again, towards Orion.“We got one constellation looking similar to this,” he said. “The story goes that a simple shellfish farmer from the shores, on one stormy night, while she was checking the enclosures, got visited by a roaming spirit that had taken the shape of a beautiful male. It told her there was a prophecy and she’d been chosen to be a great hero and amass riches, but for that she had to leave her village behind, never to return.”“Is it a kind of allegory?”“You could say so. The spirit lured her again and again, with luxurious trade goods, exotic food, tried seducing her. But she kept working on, and each time, she’d look from those temptations back to the tide pools, to the lights of the campfires of her kin. In the end, she resisted, said she wasn’t going to leave her village behind, that she was needed, that she was doing her part. She incurred the spirit’s hatred for refusing the offer. Angered, the spirit lunged at her, ready to kill her for the insolence.”“And how was she made into a constellation?” Jane asked when Kieran stopped speaking. He looked down at her, stroked her cheek with one finger.“We call on our spirits often. They permeate our lives, give us strength, yet most of us take it as a mere figure of speech. But back then when spirits were real, there were a lot of different ones, some benevolent, some mischievous. Some brought luck, some warnings, some simply…. liked toying with mortals. They quibbled with each other, the skies flickering with the light of their wars.”He looked back up into the velvety darkness, and sighed.“So she accepted her punishment. With her last breath she said ‘I will die proud, knowing I didn’t leave my place’. And it dawned on the spirit, as it saw her lie dead in her own blood upon the rocks, that the prophecy had been right all along. It realized there were a lot of different ways to be heroic, not only by going to faraway lands and fighting. She was a hero by staying true and not deserting those who depended on her. Moved by the fisher’s resolve, the spirit took pity, and lifted her into the sky so she could become a beacon for other wavering souls, for those who were lost about themselves.”“That’s quite the sad story“, Jane said when he fell silent. "In the end she didn’t get to stay with her family… ”Kieran interrupted her with a purr, full of affection.“True. But the point is that she refused all temptations because she knew she was needed and she had her place in her little society. She knew deep in her soul where she belonged. These are the founding stones of the Hierarchy. Know your place, work together for the greater good, remain steadfast.”Jane gave a sigh while she nestled into the curve of his body, felt his warmth against her skin.“You know… It’s comforting to realize there’s a similar set of values at the heart of folktales from cultures many light years ago. We may look different, but our origins are the same.”“That is so.” Kieran reached out, held Jane close, delighted in hearing her soft, content murmur as he rubbed his chin against her hair. He wasn’t a particularly religious person, but right now, he did thank the spirits for guiding her to him.A fresh breeze stirred the air, made him shiver. Though they lived close to the tropics, for someone from a species evolved on a planet with way hotter climate, this night was turning too cool to enjoy.“Shall we had back to the guesthoues? I‘m cold.“Jane nudged him, a smile playing over her features.“Look at you big strong turian freezing to death on Kaua’i! Okay. How about I make you some spiced tea and I’ll tell you the story of the fire goddess Pele? That’ll thaw you out.”"Yes please.“Arm in arm, they headed home with the stars above them twinkling on, telling their stories.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Scenes like these, farewells whispered by friends and lovers, were a common sight at spaceports all across the galaxy. Honolulu buzzed with busy energy on this bright afternoon, a warm pacific breeze blowing through the open windows of the departure terminal.They would have looked like any other couple saying their goodbyes, were it not for the fact the woman had extensive prosthetics peeking out from under her shirt and cargo shorts, and her companion was a big turian with striking cream coloured markings on his face."Listen, I-“Kieran interrupted Jane with a soothing purr. He tried acting cool, and composed, but she had noticed how he hadn‘t managed to quench that tell-tale keen of distress from his subvocals all morning.It isn’t fair, was all she could think about right now. They‘d waited what felt like ages for his residence permit to come through, he’d gotten used to life on Earth during these months, and finally, because of some measly paragraph somewhere in a fuckin‘ rulebook, the immigration office had declined.Jane saw Kieran scratch around the plates on his side, a stealthy move, as if he didn‘t want her to notice. His skin condition had started flaring up again, in response to the stress his imminent departure brought. Not a good sign. The moist climate of Kaua’i had done him good."You gonna be ok? Packed the army knife?“ Jane asked, ghosting one hand along his arm, up and down, as if she hadn‘t done it thousands of times before. He tilted his head, gazed out over the palm trees swaying outside."Yeah. It will be fine. Nikah isn‘t overjoyed to have me back but we‘ll figure it out. She says Hadrian will be thrilled to meet his dad.“Jane gave a chuckle, a bitter little sound that echoed regrets, and year-old sorrows. “Bet he will. Glad Nikah’s taking care of you. She sounds like a good person.”“Yeah. She is. The best.”They looked at each other, unsure on how much PDA they were allowed here, in the open. It was less than ten years since the First Contact War, and turians on Earth were still a minority. A big hand caressed Jane’s waist, just for a second, then shied back as the shuttle announcements blared from the speakers.“That your flight?”“Yes. Time to go.”This was the moment. He was going away, to the Citadel, to his ordinary life, and not coming back. She was not going to see him again. She was not going to see him again. It had been too good to be true, a mere dream being dangled in front of her nose. The realization made Jane’s breath hitch, and unfamiliar rebellion bubble up inside of her.To hell with what everyone else thought!She stood on tip-toes, grabbing Kieran by the back of his neck and dragged him down for a kiss, a heated affair, raw in its immediate need, not something one would show in public. She felt him tense, then open his mouth, his tongue sneaking out to meet hers, mimicking her moves, familiar friction and taste she would never savour again. His heat was comforting, and when he dropped his bag to embrace her, hold her as close as possible, his keel digging into her ribcage, she fervently wished this all was nothing more than a bad dream.Around them, murmurs erupted, like circles in the water before a storm, bouncing off each other.Another flight announcement. Kieran gave a distressed growl while he tore himself from her, one of his hands lingering on Jane’s cheek, as if he wanted to memorize the shape of her face, for times to come.Jane swallowed. This was it. The end.“I’ll never forget you, Kieran. I love you.”He looked down at her, a mixture of defiance and hurt reflected in his incredibly green eyes, and for the first time since they had met, he said those words.“I love you too. I‘ll always be with you.“Their fingers intertwined one last time, hide and plate against soft, tanned skin, slipping apart, talons leaving two red trails against the back of her hand, before he shouldered his bag and turned around.And Jane stood there for a long time, watching him leave, her arms wrapped around herself for comfort. Unable to cry, unable to feel anything except for a paralysing numbness. Until, at one point, her body reminded her that she should move, get a drink, or something to eat. Life took its course, it wouldn’t stop for anyone. Jane sighed, and went home.
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The first few days after he had gone, she spent numb, holding on to her everyday tasks as if they were a life raft. Chop the veggies. Sweep the porch. Bring those drinks. Smile when needed. Stony-faced, she ambled through her life, unable to accept or process the loss.On the fourth day, in the midst of lunch prep, she cracked. That song had started playing over the radio, the one she’d associated with him. She should not have been that careless.He was gone. She was never going to see him again.It all came rushing back to her, the fateful programme, a first shy smile, how they gradually grew closer. The sensation of his body behind her, strong and warm, the way he’d wrapped his arms around her, so possessively, filled her world until all she could think of was him. The quintessence of home. That visceral fear, the airlock coming down. Darkness. A shiver ran through her, made the hair on her left arm stand.She put down the knife, sank onto the cool tiled floor, ragged sobs shaking her body.Short of breath, trembling, she rubbed her eyes and nose with the back of her right hand, again and again, cool carbon against her cheekbone, smeared the snot running down her face, as if to wipe the painful memories away.He was gone. She was never going to see him again.A pair of hands ghosted over her shoulders, Dean’s voice, as if from far away, asking her if she was okay. He‘d been with her since the beginning, hired on as part-time cook. He’d stayed, helped her. Had been happy for her to find her long lost love again, saw her thrive, and bloom in those precious few months after Kieran had come back, the sparkle returning into her sad eyes whenever her gaze wandered over his frame, tall and alien, outlined against the sunset, gleaming like bronze, past ties keeping her afloat.„Let it out, Jane. Take a break. I‘ll handle the kitchen.“She pushed his hands away, too strong her grief, she couldn‘t stand the touch, angry at someone even thinking about comforting her. Nobody would understand. She was alone, utterly alone. Rejected. Unwanted.But he insisted, got her to her feet, vision still blurred, sobs still shaking her. Dabbed her face clean with a cloth as if she was a child. She didn’t have the energy to struggle. He led her upstairs, past all the curious and worried customers, tucked her into her bed that still smelled faintly of him. Jane buried her face in her cushion and thought of Kieran.
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After a week, she received a vid, all the way from the Citadel. She recognized Kieran’s ID flashing up on her omnitool, and tears welled up against her will. She set down the tray she was holding and dashed to the door, ran until the sand burned under the naked soles of her feet, her lungs seared with every inhale.With a sob, she slumped against a kukui tree, buried her face in her hands, the sadness washing over her in waves, making the skin on her neck prickle.An audio call from Dean she ignored. She didn’t want to talk now, typed a reply instead.
Sorry. brb.
Her view blurred by tears, she looked out over the ocean, followed the waves crashing on the shore with her eyes while she regained some control, until she wasn’t gulping for air anymore and the tears stopped flowing. This was her safe haven, if not here, there was nowhere she wanted to be. Above her, birds circled in the warm afternoon air, their cries carried over the sound of the waves. Her focus returned. Jane sniffled, licked her upper lip, salty from her tears, then tapped the vid.Kieran looked the same as always, a little more world-weary maybe, and he was carrying his son inside his cowl like an expensive crocodile leather stole. For some reason, it looked as if he’d rehearsed this call, everything seemed so perfect and staged.Her head sagged at seeing him. Another sob dislodged itself from her throat, a raw sound. Deep breaths, a second try. She was an adult, she could do it. She tapped her controls, fingers caressing the line of Kieran’s face as the vid started, so far away, an unreachable dream.“Hey Jane, how are you?”His voice was tired, but retained the same deep, rich timbre she loved so much, she’d loved ever since the moment he’d stepped into her old apartment all those years ago.“Sorry for not sending this earlier, settling back into life on the Citadel was hectic. Nikah is out right now so I have a little time to send this to you. Going back to my old job tomorrow.”The baby pushed itself up, peered over its fathers cowl, wobbled a bit as curiosity overtook it.“It’s been tough reconnecting with Nikah but we’re figuring it out step by step. So it’s mostly back to normal for me. I miss you, and hope I can see you again soon.”Kieran reached up when his son threatened to lose balance, stroked a finger underneath his chin before pointing one talon at the screen, his voice full of tenderness.“Hadrian, say hello to my good friend Jane!”The baby looked at the screen with a wary chirp, a tiny version of his father with stubby mandibles and only the slightest hint of fringe, plates a dark mahogany, eyes the same rich green she loved so much. Tufts of down spotted its neck and head.Jane sighed. Hadrian was the embodiment of everything she knew she would have never been able to give Kieran. A real family. Stability. A life without worry. He was the embodiment of how carefree Kieran could have been had he never met her. Mandatory service with the Hierarchy, then a steady, respectable job at C-Sec. A mate, a child. For most people, it would have been heaven. The realization made her shiver, cold down her shoulder blades despite the heat, grief squeeze her heart. She’d turned it all upside down, barged into his perfect life because of some goddamn coincidence that brought her both joy and pain.Her arm dropped into the sand, and she slumped back against the trunk of the tree with a deep sigh, letting all her frustration and disappointment out. What am I, she thought while she hung limp, staring into the distance unfocused, I’m thirty-four, a fucking failure, broken, hiding on a beach, tearing a man from his family.Sunlight through the leaves drew shifting patterns onto her skin. She watched it, tried appeasing the thoughts running in her head by concentrating on the warmth spreading through her, how the sensations differed on her arms: Immediate, tingling on her left, dulled and indistinct on her right. One day, she knew she had to go get an update for her prosthetic. But that could wait.It took her a good twenty minutes after his message ended until she found the strength to get up, follow the tracks her feet had made on the way here back to the guesthouse.Dean nodded at her when she walked into the kitchen, then jerked his head towards the stairs, gesturing her to take a break. Her feet carried her upstairs, towards her room. She flopped onto her bed, felt around to grab Kieran’s shirt, the one she found two days ago in her laundry pile, held it close. He was home, the anchor she needed, and yet she had to go on without him.After some time, she sent back a message, full of tenderness and longing, at the one person she loved with all of her heart, the one she didn’t know if she was ever going to see again. Sitting on her bed, hair tousled, face puffy and sticky from dried tears. She was too tired to pretend.“Hey Kieran, I’m so happy to hear from you. As you can see, I’m a bit of a mess right now.” She gestured at herself, a lopsided smile on her lips that faded after a second. “I miss you. Wish I could see you, kiss you. Hold Hadrian, too. He’s beautiful. Looks just like you.”She bunched his shirt in her right carbon hand, felt the texture of the embroidery, dark red and yellow contrasting with the blue of her sheets.“I’ll see if I can get the money together and some time off soon. The Citadel’s still on my bucket list, you know.”She sighed, unsure on what to say. There were many things she wanted to address. How they should go on. If there was a common future for them. That he shouldn’t be hiding his messages to her from Nikah if he wanted to gain her trust again. All things she knew they had to talk about, and yet she didn’t, too afraid to destroy this foolish little flicker of hope the situation might somehow resolve itself.She told him about the guesthouse instead, the two salarians who had arrived yesterday and went nuts for her curry, about the clutch of turtles that had hatched and was all over the news, and pressed ‘send’.With a deep sigh, Jane settled into her cushions, clutching Kieran’s shirt against her chest, petted it, over and over, as if the gesture could bring him back, until she fell asleep.
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When Jane returned from two days in Honolulu renewing her guesthouse license, tired and disgruntled from having to deal with bureaucracy for hours on end, she wasn’t pleased to find her room decorated with a plethora of knick-knack. Between her aching back and her leg prosthetic acting up, she wasn‘t keen on dealing with any kind of surprise right now. A burgundy cloth was draped along the curtain rod, two bath towels were arranged at the head of her bed, and there were way more cushions and blankets than she remembered possessing. The duvet and every other surface of the room was covered in an assortment of trinkets, ranging from paper scraps to toys to kitchenware. It looked almost as if someone had trawled the beach and every yard sale possible to come up with the wildest assortment of junk possible. All in different shades of red.“What is this?“ she asked, turning around to Kieran standing in the hallway. He positively beamed, mandibles wide in a sort of self-satisfied grin.“I made you a nest,“ he announced. He sounded extremely pleased with himself. "Took me two months to collect everything without you noticing. Hard enough to find good stuff here, without specialty shops.” He pointed out a particular pebble he’d placed in the middle of her cushion. “This I found on the beach and thought you might like it.“It was a piece of glass, edges polished smooth by water and sand, so weather-worn and opaque the surface looked velvety. A fragment from a bottle. If Jane squinted real hard, it almost looked heart-shaped. To humans, it was but a piece of garbage, washed up on the shore, not worth a second look. But it had caught Kieran‘s eye, who saw the world from a different perspective. To him, this piece of scrap had called out Jane‘s name."Thank you.“ There were many things Jane wanted to say, but at times, she found it hard to word her feelings when faced with unusual situations. Turian culture and habits baffled her, and every day with Kieran confronted her with things that were difficult to understand. For her, who had struggled with keeping her home tidy since childhood, having her room stuffed full of useless junk wasn‘t what she considered romantic, especially not after she had looked forward to a long nap. To her dismay, the bed was rendered unusable. And yet… Kieran had worked so hard for this surprise, Jane felt flattered. He never said it out loud, and at times she doubted whether he did, but he loved her all right.Currently, Kieran was hovering in the doorway, mandibles twitching, and his nose scrunched as it always did when he was feeling unsure. Jane walked over to hug him tight around the waist."This is the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me,“ she said after a while, letting her gaze wander over her decorated room. No matter she felt tired, she had to compliment him. "Is there a certain protocol I need to follow?“"Uh-” Kieran stroked her hair. "If you decide to accept the nest, you should choose a favourite piece. To show me you appreciate what I did. And that would… affirm our relationship.“"Kieran, are you proposing to me?“"Uhm. Not exactly. But-" he leaned down to rub his chin against the top of Jane‘s head. "It would mean the world to me.“"Okay.“The sound of the dining room downstairs and the wind in the palm trees all faded to mere background noises while Jane walked along inspecting what Kieran had brought her. Most was garbage indeed, including an assortment of shiny wrappers from the kitchen he had folded into some sort of turian origami, and stuff that looked as if it had been washed up on shore he must have collected during his morning runs. But there were fresh flowers and fruit too, which meant he had planned this for when she would return, and had gone to the market first thing in the morning.Jane‘s heart ached, in a good way. She had spent most of her life alone, doubting everything, feeling sorry for herself, but Kieran had managed to turn it all around, in so many different ways she would have never imagined. No matter how tired she was, right now, there was nowhere else she would rather be than here, with him. In a room full of junk that wasn’t even arranged in a way pleasing to a human’s aesthetic taste.Her eyes returned to the piece of glass perched on her cushion. Her first instinct had been to go for one of the flowers since they looked nice even when dried, but the shard of glass had meant something to Kieran."I choose this one,“ she said in the end, and the shift in his subvocal purr was all she needed to hear. Relief, mostly. His arms went around her, and Jane leaned back against his chest, welcoming his warmth. “You said this piece reminded you of me so I will treasure it.”“Thank you.”“And now, I’m sorry but I need to take a nap. Can I move the display?”Kieran’s subvocals shifted, to something Jane recognized as vague distress. Oh, that had been the wrong thing to say. She had no idea on the procedures when presented with this sort of decorated ‘bower’, most likely she should have left the room the way it was, but she couldn’t ignore her tiredness any longer.“It’s ok,” he said after a moment. “Uh- could you leave the rest the way it is? I’ll redo it in the morning.”A smile tugged on the corners of Jane’s mouth. She’d ask him tomorrow how long it would take until she could get her room back to its original state, and what the appropriate reaction consisted of. Until then, she’d disturb as little as possible by rolling up in a corner of her bed and keeping the glass heart under her cushion. That would do.
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Kieran knew he was burdening Jane with his nightmares. He tried hiding it the first few weeks, but as she had explained to him, the way his subvocals vibrated in her chest set her off every time even if she was sleeping, similar to a mother fine-tuned to her baby‘s cry. And Kieran hated himself, for burdening her with it."Bad dream again?“ Gentle fingertips ghosted along his fringe, tiny lines of friction stroking away the anxiety."Yeah.“ he rasped, voice drowsy with sleep, rubbing the side of his face against the cushion as if to wipe the bad memories out of his head."It’s okay. You‘re safe.“The fingers kept on their journey, wandered down to caress the back of his mandible, slipping under his chin to scratch at the soft hide of his throat. It was a ritualized action by now. Front to back, top to bottom. Jane‘s fingers stroked on, down the side of his face and his neck, until Kieran‘s breath had slowed. He exhaled as the restlessness dissipated under the touch."Thank you.“"No bother.“Her lips pressed to his forehead for a whispered kiss, a promise.
You‘re safe.
He was going to pay for his mistakes for as long as he lived, Kieran knew. One day he’d have to take responsibility, but not today.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Nā Pali was striking at this time of year, winds tearing at the greenery, whipping up the waves into frothy peaks. Magical.Jane let her gaze sweep over the ocean, trailing the horizon while first raindrops dotted her face. She knew she shouldn’t be out in this weather. Too dangerous, too unpredictable. Jane had hiked for a couple hours, until her left leg started acting up. She simply sat down on the trail, squeezing herself against the shrubbery when one of the other hikers hurried past in search of shelter. Right now, she needed time to think, and here, high above the water, was where she currently felt most at home. Not in her room, or in her kitchen, surrounded by the new life she’d built for herself. Instead, she was sitting in the rain, under a kukui tree, her hair whipping around her neck. It was too much sometimes, and the last few months had been taxing.
Seeing Kieran again.
Losing Kieran again.
There was a certain… pull… from the cliff face, the relentlessly beating waves. She’d felt it before, from time to time. The urge had been with her ever since she could imagine. The whisper, to let it go. Just a couple steps. And yet…
Jane sighed when another spray of rain hit her naked arm. Not now. People were depending on her. Time to go back.
She got up, massaged the twinging seam where her prosthetic was anchored into her thigh, and went home.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The room swam into focus slowly, with agonizing whiteness, accompanied by a jab of pain.Jane groaned, struggling to get away. Her body didn’t respond. None of her limbs followed her commands. Funny, everything felt light somehow, as if she wasn’t really there..? What little she could discern, through her blurred vision and half-closed lids, was the sterile environment of a hospital room. Somewhere, a machine beeped.Bandages covered her left arm, where a tube poked out from a thick wrapping of tape, connected to a drip lost somewhere farther up. The steady plink-plink of the liquid solution resounded strangely hollow in her head. That arm was the only thing of her that wasn’t covered in blankets. Her right side throbbed angrily.With a grimace, Jane moved her gaze towards the window with blinds halfway closed. Stars outside. An Alliance corvette sailed past, its outline briefly flickering through the shutter.It hit her like a jolt, a prickle of lightning racing down her spine, squeezing her throat until all she could do was to gasp for air like a fish on dry land. The airlock. The pain. Her arm- No no no no no…The nurse barged in shortly after, diving for the monitor to administer a sedative. Jane sank into unsteady dreams of caressing different fruits at the grocery store.Not today. She would have to deal with the aftermath, but not today.
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She’d always be with him. He saw her in the glint of the stars outside, in the whisper of far away conversations, in the clank of cutlery in the cafeteria. So far, and yet so close. This wasn’t the beach. It wasn’t the reflection of sunlight dancing on the waves, nor the wind in the palm trees, nor the bustle of breakfast service. This was his life, back between metal walls, in his everyday rut, after one attempt of breaking out. It hadn’t worked. Already, she was far away, their time together fading into a distant memory.But he tried, tried not to forget, with each passing day, by clinging to anything that reminded him of her. One day…
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Stay awake.
The only two words reaching through the fog clouding Jane‘s head. The whistling in her ears was deafening, threatening to suck her into the black abyss. Two words, indistinct, as if through a haze as she teetered on the brink to unconsciousness.“Kie-” she croaked, mouth too dry to let her articulate herself. Was he ok? Had they escaped? Searing pain obscured her thoughts. A hand twitched, on the sticky floor. Red.The pinprick of a dermal needle, making her flinch. Funny how much she hated getting shots before…“Jane, stay with me. You‘ll be fine, okay? You’re safe.“Someone rubbed their knuckles along her sternum, the pain yanking her back into the here and now. Jane groaned, her eyelids fluttering.
Kieran?
A face she didn’t recognize as she was hoisted onto a stretcher.Not Kieran.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jane had wondered what Kieran was doing all day in the kitchen with her not being allowed to look. Knowing today’s date, she had her suspicions, and when he finally came to fetch her, she was not overly surprised. He looked so pleased at the little display he made her, and the excited purr vibrating in his chest made it overly clear how proud he was. He even baked her a heart-shaped cake - at least, that was what she suspected the sad-looking pile heaped on the plate was supposed to be. It looked like a small, lopsided brick with gloopy pink frosting. “For me?” she asked as she looked over the display. There was a cake for her, and something vaguely jelly-like for him that she recognized as the turian equivalent of a fancy dessert, he’d found a red tablecloth somewhere in the recesses of her closet, and he’d strewn the table with way too many heart-shaped confetti. “Uhm. I read about Valentine’s Day and thought you might like it..?”A smile tugged on the corners of her mouth.Kieran could be overzealous when emulating human habits and traditions, and given that all the information he got was filtered through the extranet and accounts of various species, he often overshot the mark, just as he’d done on Christmas. But he gave it his best, and Jane appreciated the effort more than anything.“Never took you for a romantic, Kieran,” she teased while inspecting the table.He coughed.“I’m.. not? But I thought you might like it..?”A hint of insecurity had creeped into his subvocals, as it often did when he questioned himself.Jane didn’t have the heart to tell him she didn’t care about Valentine’s day. Instead, she smiled, and hugged him around the waist as she’d always do, pressing her cheek against his chest. He smelled alien, and familiar at the same time. It had taken her time to get used to it, the dusty scent of his body, mixed with a hint of spiced perfume oil. So unlike everything she knew. And yet, there was nowhere else she felt more at home. No matter his efforts at reenacting overrated human holidays could be borderline annoying- Kieran was home.With a sigh, Jane glanced at the decorated table. No matter she wasn’t a fan of Valentine’s - If she was lucky, the cake was going to be edible, and she never refused cake.
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The Christmas tree with its lavish silver and red decorations dominating the dining room was the only warm thing shining this evening.“So, Kieran… how are you liking life on Earth?”The whole family dinner business was turning out to be more of a job interview than a friendly get-together, Jane thought bitterly.Marcus Bergen Sen. was never going to change… Jane was again reminded why she didn’t enjoy returning home for the holidays. The lingering feelings of not being enough was already threatening to become overwhelming. No matter the sparkling lights and good food. She would never be able to shake it, no matter how far away she went, how successful she was, how happy she was. She returned home, reunited with her parents, her brother, and she was back to being an insecure teenager, drifting along without dreams or ambitions to follow. No, Jane didn’t like Christmas, or New Year’s Eve.But hope was a horrible thing. As was nostalgia.“It’s different, but I am enjoying it.”Kieran had seamlessly switched back into a Hierarchy Navy Serviceman, facing his almost-parents-in-law with his back straight and the most even voice he could muster. He even made sure to address a point just above their left shoulders, as would be expected of him when talking to his captain, or a general. Neither Marcus Bergen Sen. nor Amanda Whittley were turian generals, but in this situation, they might as well be.They’d discussed it beforehand, and decided that having her parents know about their relationship was maybe not the smartest move. Kieran was Jane’s ‘assistant’ - and thus had been assigned the guest room. A problem they’d have to somehow circumvent if they wanted to get some snuggles in at all, even if it meant Jane tiptoeing down the hall after midnight and returning before sunrise.Wedged in her chair between Kieran and her brother’s wife, Jane forced the corners of her mouth upwards. “He’s proving invaluable with the alien guests,” she said, fleetingly patting his forearm, “and he’s getting good at speaking Hawai’ian as well. I’m very happy he’s around to help me.”“How nice.”The clang of the cutlery filled the room, expanding between the walls. Awkward Christmas silences during meals were what Jane remembered most vividly. Conversations died with ‘how nice’, whenever Jane said something. Obviously, Marcus Jr. was the favourite child. Alliance cadre, athletic, married, cute curly haired daughter. It was always him. He was the poster child, the one to be proud of. Not Jane - no ambitions, always a dreamer, made barely enough money with a bed and breakfast for aliens. And before that, she‘d been a nobody working in immigration. Inferior. Not to mention the negative headlines when she was involved in that ugly Terra Firma business. They all made valiant attempts at hiding it, but the furtive glances shot her way whenever her prosthetics flashed beneath her sweater cuff, and how everyone always rushed to help her carry things hurt more than anything.And yet, every fall, when her mother wrote to her asking her to come home, hope bloomed in her chest. This year would be different. This year, they’d all have a good time sitting under the Christmas tree, eating cake. Reminiscing about a carefree past, way before Earth was welcomed amongst the other Milky Way societies.The rest of the dinner was spent in almost silence, while Kieran lapped his reconstituted stew with as much dignity and as little splashing as possible. The only one who had taken a shine to Kieran was Jane’s niece, who after the main course decided that she wanted to spend some time in his lap. The little girl sat perched on his thighs unfazed, humming along with the vibrations of his subvocals. If Kieran noticed the shocked expressions all around at the prospect of their precious child spending the evening so close to a ferocious looking alien, he didn’t show it. He held her secure with one long arm, skewers held in his left hand, deflecting her gropes whenever she tried snatching some of his food. Not that different from turian babies maybe? Jane mused, observing the scene from the corner of her eye.Beside the lingering disappointment she was always shown when back home, this was the second thing hurting her. Seeing Kieran with babies made the guilt so much worse. Of course, the rest of the family didn’t know. During dessert, Kieran spent long minutes telling everyone that he had a mate, and a little chick, back on the Citadel. Yes, they knew he was on Earth. Yes they were ok with it. Hadrian was two months old when Kieran left. No, he didn’t know when he’d get to see them again. Yes, turians loved their families. No, turian marriages didn’t work like human ones.With every new question, every calm answer, Jane’s heart froze more, her spine prickled with cold. She was the reason Kieran had left his mate, and why? On a whim, because pursuing this foolish dream was more exciting than a safe job at C-Sec? Because someone from the ‘enemy side’ was somehow more important than his own child? He never spoke of regret. Never said he missed them. Though he did. For sure, he must. The room spun, very lightly, and Jane squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to get a hold on her plummeting mood.When dinner was done, Kieran excused himself under the pretext of turian biology and went for a walk by himself, saying turians needed exercise after eating to help digestion. Jane, nursing a headache, knew that was bullshit, and retreated to her room in an attempt of calming down.Few things changed in the Bergen household. While she’d always hoped that one day, her parents would give her the recognition she craved, at least they hadn’t dared change her childhood room since she had moved out. Her stuffed animals, even the really old mangy ones, were neatly stacked on the headboard. Their scratched glass eyes didn’t judge her. Finally alone. Jane grabbed one, an elephant with chewed-off ears, then flopped into the bed. The mattress was still the same as it had been ten years ago, saggy and overly soft, but it enveloped her like a gentle hug, and that was all that counted.Fucking Christmas. Her temples pulsed angrily as she clutched the plush to her heart. Nine more days before she could go home. Nine more days of being treated like a fragile thing, nine more days of questions about her life en passant. Nobody cared anyway. Why had she agreed to coming over… and why had she decided to bring Kieran along? To show him off, in the vain hope she would finally be accepted as a functional member of the household? She’d probably be disowned if she showed up with a turian lover.Because despite everything, you love your home country, and you’re proud and want to show him how beautiful certain places on Earth still can be, her mind whispered back. No matter her family wasn’t going to live up to her expectations. Jane focused, tracing the structure of the wood paneling overhead with her eyes. She could still show Kieran her favourite locations. They could go to a spa, maybe, or up to the mountains, enjoy the view and fresh air. No need to stay here, slowly getting suffocated. She could show him all the love she herself was never shown. And with time, he could hopefully feel at home with her as well, no matter where in the universe they were. No matter what everyone else said. Wasn’t that what Christmas meant? Sharing love, getting together, forgiving each other? Maybe, Jane could do that by herself too.