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"Ouch. My head!" Liz squawked, looking around.Uh-oh. Something was wrong here. And not just because she didn't know where she was.Where was Jack, for example? Liz remembered very distinctly that before she'd suddenly tripped and fallen and apparently knocked herself out, she'd been fighting with Donaghy. Because she was always fighting with Jack, that was just how she rolled.Of course, usually they were fighting about the show, instead of whether or not they should keep having the phenomenal sex they were having, but yeah. Had he used the fight to ditch her at a hospital somewhere?And looking down at her hands, Liz did not remember being this old. Or wearing a diamond ring that big. Or being surrounded by people who could only be described as flunkies or possibly minions."Mrs. Donaghy!" someone was squawking. Oh, crud, Colleen was here. Did Colleen know that Liz and Jack had maybe had sex? And by maybe, she meant definitely, and maybe enough times to warrant a We Have to Talk Talk? "Mrs. Donaghy, are you all right?"Oh, holy jeepers, someone was talking to her. And it was Kenneth. How hard had she hit her head, exactly? "Hi, Kenneth," Liz said. "Did you call me Mrs. Donaghy?""Of course. It was in the memo that NBC employees who refer to you as Mrs. Lemon-Donaghy-O'Brian-Stewart are to be immediately fired," Kenneth said. "Are you thinking of revising the memo, Mrs. Donaghy?""I married Jack? Was it one of those Britney Spears-Jason Alexander drunken bets in Atlantic City?" Liz asked. "And it was totally Tracy's fault, I bet. Don't worry, Kenneth. I was probably goofing.""Um," Kenneth said. "Not exactly. Unless you want to call a passionate, successful twelve year marriage that only ended when Mr. Donaghy tragically died during Bravo's first season of Battle of the Network Executives by falling into the Amazon and being eaten by piranhas a Britney Spears-Jason Alexander thing."Liz almost choked all over again. So she was having a nightmare or a hallucination or something. Twelve years? Of course, if this was really the nightmare Liz knew it had to be, because yeah, like she'd marry crazy, crazy Jack even if he was a really good kisser. "Okay. Mrs. Donaghy, then. So I have a really awkward teenaged Lemon-Donaghy child, right?" Liz asked.Everyone went dead silent and looked away uneasily. Oh, god, it was even worse than she thought. Was the kid the Elephant Man or something?"Thanks, mom, for forgetting about MY existence," a petulant voice replied. "I mean, you only gave birth to fraternal twins. It must be wayyyy too much to ask that you remember both of us. DAD would have remembered both of us, but Dad wouldn't have taken a hiatus to go boff Conan and Jon, while letting Aunt Jenna be in charge."Liz turned around slowly. Oh, it was worse than her worst nightmares. Teenage twins. The really funny kind, where the girl was like, Jack Junior with the good looks, blue eyes, and funny way of standing, and then there was scrawny, asthmatic, bird-beaked boy twin, Liz Junior."I left Jenna in charge?" Liz asked. "Really? Oh gak, I bet you both have awful, pop-culture-sounding names, too.""Well, Stamatina Kathleen Donaghy, I know I don't have an awful, pop-culture name like Ja Rule Donaghy, do you?" boy twin asked sarcastically."Why, no, John Lemon Donaghy, our parents weren't kind enough to name us Brad and Angelina, tragically enough," said girl twin. "Mom, are you off your happy pills?""I need happy pills?" Liz asked. "Um, also, no. I am on all pills, booze, and other things that make me the horrible mother that I usually am to you two."John Lemon Donaghy rolled his eyes at his sister. She smirked in classic Jack-style. "Lemon, why don't we lay off?" she said. "We've all had bad comedowns before.""Sure thing, Teeny," he replied with the blistering sarcasm that only the spawn of Liz and Jack could produce. "At least you didn't give me the lecture this time, Mom. You know, 'Your father nicknamed you Lemon because he thinks it's one of the most romantic words in the English language.'""Wait, we called you Teeny and Lemon?" Liz asked. "Oh my god, I'm the worst parent alive. Worse than Lynne Spears, even.""Oh my god, did you get that on tape?" Lemon Donaghy asked his...did he have an entourage? If he had an entourage, Liz was going to have to have a talk with him, because that wasn't okay for kids. Even worst nightmare kids.Teeny's eyes narrowed, and she stalked up to Liz. "Breathe," she ordered. Liz, flabbergasted, breathed. "Oh my god, Lemon, she's sober.""I thought Dr. Spaceman advised against that," Lemon said, tilting his head. "Hi, Mom. How's your liver?""Apparently bionic," Liz said. Wow, when her subconscious decided to torment her, it went ALL OUT. Like It's a Wonderful Life but without angels or Jimmy Stewart or being wonderful. "I have a strange request. Could you two pretend that I hit my head really hard, and so I think it's 2008, even though that is clearly inaccurate?""Whatever floats your boat, Mother," Teeny said. "I'm not going to argue with the head of East Coast Television, Internet, and In-Hand Programming. But by the way, it's 2025."Teeny then pinched her super-hard. Liz shrieked, and the twins exchanged a glance of pure Jack-ness. Apparently, this was not a dream, or now dreams had real pain from real pinching.Apparently, she had married Jack. And spawned insane twins. And taken over East Coast programming. And then married Conan and Jon Stewart on the rebound.Wow. Accomplished."All right, this whole charade bores me," Lemon said. "T-Dizzle, Bill Cosby Jordan, please help my mother up and take her to the re-education room."Liz started to laugh. "What?" she asked. "Hey, I'm pretty sure as the mom, even as the bad mom, I am the boss of you.""I'm pretty sure as Teeny and I control more of GE than you, we're actually the boss of you," Lemon replied. "T-Dizzle."Damn it. This would be an awesome dream. Really funny and horrifying and inspired. As an actual experience, however, Liz wasn't loving it.
Twenty Minutes Later
Man, re-education by highlight reel was so much less entertaining than it looked like in A Clockwork Orange."So do you feel up to speed now?" asked one of Lemon's entourage members. Not T-Dizzle. BC Jordan, she remembered. "You look a little upset, Lemon's mom.""I'm a little upset," said Liz. "The highlight reel featured Jack falling into the Amazon three times, followed by me laughing it up with Conan. I have to believe it's editing.""Lemon got McG to create that film for us," BC Jordan said. "Hey, my dad says you used to be cool and not very evil.""Is Tracy your dad?" Liz asked. "Did he tell you about the time I was at the Source Awards with him and accidentally shot his manager in the butt?"Oh, wait, that wasn't necessarily a good story to tell Tray's son, who was already prejudiced against her by the part of the highlight reel where she'd gone off about why Teeny wasn't allowed to date Federline spawn. Especially because she'd actually called them "spawn.""Yes, Tracy's my dad. You know you know that," BC Jordan said. "Wow, whatever Lemon did to you, it's really working. Usually you'd tell me that my dad still owes you a season of contract labor before threatening the Australians that you'd destroy them if you couldn't get a version of Neighbor Swap on the air in six months.""Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, BC," Liz said. She'd make a funny gesture, but they had maybe handcuffed her to a chair. "Can I get another sip of my smoothie, hon?"Nice boy. He let her have more of the raspberry-guava-quorn smoothie, and even wiped the spatter off her chin."So why are you in John's entourage, BC?" Liz asked."Lemon. Nobody calls him John. He says that he's not going to be criticized for using his father's name to get ahead," BC said. "Well, you've seen him, Lemon's mom. He's a leader of people. Sure, he looks like...""He'll grow out of it," Liz said. "I did.""Well, anyway, there's nothing cooler than a guy who runs a conglomerate like GE-NBC-Sheinhardt, especially when he's got his own flying car," BC Jordan said. "Plus, everyone lets Lemon do whatever he wants, and we all want to make out with his fine-ass sister."Liz cringed. "Hey! Teeny is my daughter, too. I don't want to hear about anyone talking about her fine ass," she said."Sorry, Lemon and Teeny's mom," BC said. "So real quick, do you understand what's going on?"Liz understood. So, back in 2008, Jack and Liz had gotten together, and apparently, it had been on and off until they got married in Atlantic City on a dare. And then two days later, Liz found out, surprise, there were going to be sociopathic comedy twins in her future.After that, it was a blur of corporate takeovers, parading the twin scooter around the city, being the toast of the city, blah blah blah. And then the downspiral, with Jack falling into the Amazon, Liz making Conan and Jon her bitches in quick succession, awkward teen years manifesting...Her newfound tendency to wear a beret and fur...Supporting supervillain mayor Ethan Hawke in his plan to create the Manhattan Canals in exchange for immunity from monopoly prosecution over NBC's In-Hand programming..."I'm an evil overlady sea widow who needs to spend more time with her kids?" Liz suggested, trying to smile. "And who really, really needs to axe reality TV from the schedule?""Don't try to escape by getting BC to feel sorry for you," Teeny said. "Gark, you are just incorrigible, aren't you?"Liz sighed. "I still don't understand how it's 2025 and I'm handcuffed to a chair," she said. "I feel like maybe I'm in a funny coma or something.""If only," Teeny said. "I miss Dad. Dad was a far wilier a negotiator. Lemon couldn't bowl him over. Dad was proactive. You're a revenge-getter. That's why Lemon can't let you go. You'll say it's okay, and then you'll post naked baby pictures on his professional MySpace. Or tell agents about my original nose."Actually, Liz had used BC's crush on Teeny to her advantage, by stealing the key from him while he stared at her daughter, and was trying to get the key into the lock. Of course, that was a lot harder than it looked on MacGyver. But she had the key. So there, she could be active!"You know what, I don't think it's fair to say I was bowled over when I was dragged away and handcuffed to the big chair," Liz said suddenly. "That makes me cranky."Teeny rolled her eyes. "Oh, whatever. You're the one who gets on my very last nerve," she said. "It's always Lemon this, Lemon that, don't pick on Lemon because he has asthma, don't lead mobs of taunting kids to throw rocks at your brother, Teeny, you're not going out dressed like that, Teeny, stop doing that to Uncle Frank...""Teeny..." Liz said. "Wow, what did you do to Frank? That wasn't on the highlight reel.""I...BC Jordan, look out!" Teeny cried. But it was too late; BC suddenly fell down next to Liz as a blur of color passed by Liz and made for Teeny. "Oh my god. Oh my god, you're here!"With no more explanation than that, Teeny turned tail and ran off, shrieking, "I'm telling Lemon!" as the blur came back, relieved Liz of her key and helping her undo the handcuffs."Lemon, what in the name of Zeus is going on here?" a familiar voice asked her."Jack?" Liz asked, blinking a few times. "Jack, is that you?"
He was almost white-haired, and he'd put on a little more weight. Also, he was dressed in a sailor suit and had a cane. But it was unmistakably Jack Donaghy standing next to her."Lemon?" he asked her."Do you mean Lemon, our sarcastic and possibly sociopathic son, or Lemon, me?" Liz asked. "Hey, you're back from the dead. Complete with a pimp cane. Congratulations.""It is you," Jack said. "Have you noticed that it's 2025? Something feels entirely wrong about that, and not just because the supervillain mayor of New York who succeeded Mike Bloomberg flooded the Lower East side to create those dreadful canals.""Ethan Hawke," Liz said. "Apparently I'm not the only one who kind of changed."Jack shrugged. "Damn ex-hippie Gen X actors with power. They're all the same."Liz could cry. "Oh, thank god, I'm not the only one who hates them," she said. "We got married.""Yes," Jack said. "And we have twins. From all accounts, they're loathsome monsters who control half of GE. Clearly, they've inherited the Donaghy ambition.""Yeah, they're like we mixed up my neurotic paranoia and your megalomania and I let Jenna raise them after I went crazy...er after your untimely death," Liz said, grimacing slightly. "Also, it's probably what happens when you call your twins Teeny and Lemon.""Good god, Lemon, I die and you let our children keep using the names Teeny and Lemon?" Jack asked. "They're Donaghys, not circus people.""They're Lemons, too," Liz said. "And hey, I'm the head of East Coast programming now, not you. Plus, I completely emasculated Conan O'Brian during our short and apparently bizarre marriage, so hey. Recognize. Also, why are we fighting? I thought you were confused about how it was 2025 instead of 2008, too.""I am, but it's the principle of the thing. Wealthy people don't allow their children to use their pet names after the age of twelve," Jack said. "I should have never fallen into the Amazon during Battle of the Network Executives on Bravo.""If that even actually happened," Liz said. "Remember? Remember? Two days ago, it was 2008? You and me, we were having our thing, fighting over Obama vs. Romney, having really scorching hot sex, fighting about extending Jenna's contract, having amazing make-up sex, and then it's 2025, we have sixteen year old twins, I run NBC, and you're dead. I feel like we've been taking crazy pills."If there was anything worse than Jack's golf clap, it was Lemon's golf clap. Lemon, her possibly sociopathic son, not Lemon, her."Mother. Father. Nice to see you both together again," Lemon said, wearing a white suit with a black tie and shiny wingtip shoes. "Father. The cane suits you."Oh, god, she'd given birth to a Bond villain. A Bond villain who golf clapped, and wasn't going to grow into his looks for another decade."You must be my son, John Lemon Donaghy," Jack said. "I don't think we've met."Jack paused suddenly and turned to Liz. "Lemon -- Elizabeth Lemon -- did you give our son a name that punned on John Lennon's?" he asked, raising his eyebrows."What? That in no way sounds like me. Also, probably yes," Liz said. "Wow, our future selves became complete douchebags, didn't they?""Maybe just a little, Mommy Douchebaggiest," Teeny said. Yep, she had a gun. Fabulous. A Bond villain and a disgruntled teenage daughter with a gun. And Jack had a pimp cane, which was really distracting. "Enjoying the family reunion?""No," Jack and Liz said together. Teeny raised an eyebrow. Liz wanted to tell her to get her shirt two sizes larger and eat a cheeseburger. Dag. Her mom was right; you loved your kids no matter what stupid things they did when they were sixteen.Was she kind of happy with her family reunion? That was so, so very disturbing."This is all your fault," Liz said casually to Jack. "I specifically said getting me pregnant was not allowed.""My fault? Lemon, you ran away from your maternal duties and allowed Jenna to raise our children. Any fault is firmly and entirely yours," Jack said. "Isn't that right, kids?"Liz kicked Jack. "Stamatina Kathleen has a GUN, jerk," she snapped."And if that gun should go off, the parent who has most fault deserves the bullet. I've been presumed dead during critical child-rearing years, so that's clearly you," Jack said. "Aim for the knee, Stamatina, then it's not considered attempted murder when you wound Mommy.""AIM FOR THE KNEE?" Liz squawked. "That's it, Donaghy, it's on. You and me, right here, right now.""You think just because I'm old, I can't take you?" Jack asked. "I'll throw down, any time, any place, Lemon.""HEY!" Lemon suddenly yelled. "Could you two stop flirting for a minute and look at your awkward genius son, maybe for just a second? Huh? Look up at Lemon, okay, or he's going to unleash his awesome new weapon and not explain why you two think it's 2008."Liz made a face at Jack, who rolled his eyes. They both turned to face Lemon, who was glowering at them. He was kind of adorably emo when he was mad. Kind of like Jack got when he wasn't getting enough attention."Clearly, with your genetic legacies, I was born a supergenius who can eat his weight in food every two weeks without gaining a pound," Lemon said. "And due to the multiplicity of complexes you instilled in me with your erratic, half-ass parenting, by the time I was five, I knew I had something to prove. So for the past decade, I've been creating and perfecting the 'It's a Wonderful Life' ray. Yes, Mom. It's exactly what it sounds like."Liz closed her mouth. Jack smirked. She stepped on his foot. He yelped.Darn, she had missed him while she thought he'd been eaten by piranhas on the Amazon live on Bravo."Yay, we've reunited our parents. Gross," Teeny muttered. "Why don't you explain to Mommy and Daddy why we zapped them before they forget we exist again, Lemon?""Also, could you explain how you knew Daddy wasn't dead from piranhas but didn't bother to tell Mommy, because Mommy don't play that," Liz added. "Also, hey, Jack, if you weren't dead, why didn't you just come home? I had to be declared a sea widow. Do you know how hard it is to be declared a sea widow in this day and age?""My enemies had conspired against me," Jack said. "My giant log was greased so that I fell and gave myself a concussion, rendering me insensible. After that, I was delivered to a Chinese prison where I was subjected to tortures not even John McCain could imagine. I had to sharpen a pair of bamboo chopsticks I smuggled out of the mess hall against my shoe. It took me six months before I could lure the guard close enough to stab him in the throat. After that, as you can imagine, I had to take on the whole nation.""That must have been nuts," Liz said. "Wait, the whole nation of China? Aren't there like, over a billion Chinese people?""We're ignoring Lemon again, parentals," Lemon said, clapping loudly. "The Wonderful Life zapper is usually meant to give people a glimpse into their past, to make them think of all the wonderful reasons they have to live. I modified my zapper to bring you two into the future for a week. Sort of like a time-machine for the brain.""Why?" Liz asked, completely baffled. "Who does that?""So that you two can go back to 2008 and prevent my existence!" Lemon said. "People, do you understand the hell that is my life?""You own 15 percent of GE," Liz said, rolling her eyes. Wow, her mom was right again about teenage angst being kind of over the top. Maybe she'd buy her mom a ham when she got back to 2008 as kind of an apology. "You're a supergenius who invented some kind of wackadoodle time machine by sixteen. You have your own private chef, chauffeur, masseuse, and personal bathroom shopper. And your parents are both alive and not eaten by piranhas. If you want to compare your awkward teen years to mine, kid, I can take you with two hands tied behind my back.""And what about me, huh?" Teeny said. "Sure, I have the good looks and sexual charisma of my father, and my mother's, um, well...I used to have your nose? But do you know what it's like, being the stupid one in this family? The one everyone uses as the straight man?"Jack looked at Liz, who looked at Jack and grimaced. "Children, your mother's failures as a parent are irrelevant," Jack announced, suddenly in Negotiation Mode. "The idea that we can be quote-unquote zapped back to 2008 to prevent a future that needs to exist to give us vital foreknowledge is a violation of the laws of physics.""Please," said Lemon. "To hell with the laws of physics. Even if we've prevented a quantum future in which we would have existed without our intervention, we've saved some version of ourselves from this ridiculous impasse. Don't you agree, Teeny?""Yeah, I'm still kind of afraid it'll hurt, but Lemon's pretty sure not-existing in the first place is like Back to the Future, where you just fade away peacefully?" Teeny said. "Please Mom. Please Dad. Don't fall in love, have twins within a year of the affair, and ruthlessly take over NBC, GE, and their parent corporation, the Sheinhardt Wig Company, while maintaining a passion that makes your love of food seem harmless.""Really?" Liz asked. "I mean, it was a great one-night stand, but...really? More than we love food? But we both really, REALLY love food."Jack shrugged. "From the moment we kissed, I realized there was a seventy-five percent chance or better that we'd ignite," he said. "We have kismet, Lemon. Your mother, Lemon, not you.""You have to see that this future is a nightmare for everyone involved, not just us. Jenna's been reduced to a nanny stereotype, Ethan Hawke flooded Greenwich Village...Lance Bass has the top-rated daytime talk show on the air, for heaven's sake," Lemon whined. "You can prevent large parts of that, just by not hooking up!""Wow," Liz said. "I guess the kids have a point.""They'd rather not exist than be our kids," Jack said pointedly."So we're agreed," Lemon said. "We'll send you back to the past, and you two will never, ever, EVER...""Ever ever ever," Teeny added, "Have sex again.""Agreed," said Liz."Agreed," said Jack."Fine," Lemon said. "The zapper will return you to more or less the moment you came from. Maybe eight hours' difference, tops."He put on an enormous pair of goggles that made him look even more like a victim of comedy and genetics."Well, kids," Liz said, looking around the secret underground lair. "I guess we, um, won't be seeing you. Or your Batman-esque lair.""Yay! I'm not going to exist!" Teeny said. "And I will never, ever have to hear about how Jon Stewart isn't man enough to have you three times a day, always standing up. I mean, who has sex standing up?"Liz's eyes went enormous. She was just going to pretend that had not just been said in her presence. Because then she'd have to acknowledge that was said, and that was...hoo boy, possible it was for the best that they were going to um, undo the past."They are all YOUR fault," Jack muttered in an undertone. "That's what happens when you give them to Jenna to raise.""What, I was supposed to have Tracy help out?" Liz sassed back."Parents," Lemon said. "Could you look at Lemon again so we can be done with this? This will probably not hurt. Much. Like getting your eyebrows waxed.""But that hurts," Liz said dubiously. This whole making sure her children didn't exist -- even if they were the evil, sociopathic spawn of Jack Donaghy -- seemed sort of like overkill. Especially if she was getting a full-body brow wax in the deal. Ew, nasty."Don't be such a baby, Lemon. Lemon, your mother, not Lemon you," Jack said. "Fire the zapper, son. Make your dad proud.""Did you really take on the entire nation of China with bamboo chopsticks?" Liz whispered. "Because I don't believe you."Before Jack could answer, Lemon zapped them with the Wonderful Life ray. It stung a lot more than waxing.
Also, it returned them to THAT moment. The moment that Lemon and Teeny had probably wanted to prevent, the one where Liz was saying really, really filthy things in German because dirty talk in German was less wrong than begging for more and better sex in English somehow, and Jack was licking her collarbone, and, and..."I don't care if it causes Ethan Hawke to be elected mayor, don't stop doing that," Liz gasped.
So there was all the sex of the original timeline, but probably, if Liz was remembering it right, even better than the first time, because they didn't need to remind each other to move left or right, or not to smoosh hair. That kind of thing.Also, it was just freaking weird, looking at Jack and thinking about children and faked deaths and the pimp cane. But also, somehow, it made it less uncomfortable to just walk around Central Park with him, eating hot dogs and talking like they were people who were in a relationship. Normal people, she meant, not the bad parents-slash-freaks that Jack and Liz clearly were."So," Liz said. "What are we going to do next?""I'm going to destroy that flaming gay weasel before he can sabotage my log," Jack said. "If I were you, I'd find a more suitable temporary guardian than Jenna. Maybe Pete will be available."Liz paused. "Wait, what? I thought we were going to break it off," she said. "We promised our evil future children that we'd break it off. I mean, once our evil future children realize we've played them, I think they might actually shoot us. Or have their entourages do it." Jack snorted, which in Jack language meant Jack thought Liz was being naive again. "We were under duress. Don't you realize that contracts like that, made under duress, not witnessed by...well, in the future, where you and I are clearly having a vicious battle over what rights a sea widow has to In-Hand programming, you'll understand," Jack said. "And are you really going to let John and Stamatina dictate your every move? That's why you're a failure as a mother, Elizabeth. Besides, they're Donaghys. They can be negotiated with.""We're going to welsh on the deal," Liz said."Welsh is such an ugly word, Lemon. But yes, I have no interest in fulfilling the conditions of our deal with the children," Jack said. "I thought they were actually quite charming, once you got past their many maternal-induced complexes."She would kick him in the shin, but it was Jack. Jack didn't respond to getting kicked. Liz could get back at him later. Possibly during the legal battle for In-Hand, when he least expected it. Or when she maybe let Bianca have the Arby's in Telluride, because she had to respect a woman who knew she loved her Big Beef and Cheddar."A little bit dramatic, though," Liz said, actually reaching out and grabbing Jack's hand. "I mean, did you hear them? Oh no, I have a secret lab and an entourage, but I should NOT exist! What's that about?""A cry for an intervention," Jack replied, smiling. "And clearly, our separation is very traumatic for everyone.""I guess we just stay together, then," Liz said, shrugging. "Okay, why is it that this doesn't weird you out?"Jack shrugged. "I like to have confirmation of my plans, particularly out-of-character plans like deciding to woo and win a woman I've previously deemed an unsuitable match," he said. "Didn't it make you just a little happy to find out that we could have a relationship and the world doesn't end?""Well, yeah, when you say it like that," Liz said. "Also, I'm glad you like our sociopathic twins. I kind of liked them. Teeny is going to get lessons in putting more clothes on, though. And Lemon...""We have a decade before we have to worry about Lemon," Jack said pragmatically. "Well, as a supervillain, at any rate."Oh, that was right, they were going to have a very whirlwind romance right about now. Liz thought about that."You know, do you think it's possible we're breaking the space-time continuum?" she asked."I think that it's more likely that not continuing to have our passionate affair would break space-time than following the original timeline," Jack said, sounding quite serious."So..." and Liz bumped into Jack with that kind of sheepish, I like you grin to let him know that she didn't mind having sex with him at all, "I have to keep screwing you, or the universe will end? And vice versa?""Have another hot dog, Elizabeth," Jack said. "And yes."Liz grinned. "Okay, then."