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If he was a light sleeper before, Tony would not know if there was any alternative word to describe his sleeping habit after everything: watching his newly made acquittances he almost called them comrades and his ward (damn it, kiddo) turned into dust, being left with blue alien on unknown planet far, far away from earth, going on with an unbelievable plan that included time traveling (fuck you, Strange), changing the history, going through the new history but some lost and sadness stayed the same (fuck you very much, Obie. You too, Hydra). Big bonus was Tony remembered it all, the old or the rewritten ones, he remembered them all. It was hard, but he managed, but it was god fucking hard. Sometimes he thought he and Pepper were still together, that he had sorted his shit together and got her back. Most of the time he dreamed of Rhodey’s fall only to wake up and ran down to his workshop, checking on database because in this rewritten path, Rhodey did not fall so Tony’s designs and updates for the harness were not in his friend’s file. It was in Pepper’s. Sometimes he did not understand why he lost her as lover. Sometimes he understood too much. He was not the same Tony who had been with her after she got injured during first alien invasion, and she could tell. She could see the guilt of different man and with everything she was going through, they could not do that again. They became friends because they were both forged by insolent norm that it was easier to give space as friends than lovers. It hurt like a burning heat around your eyes when your tears were so close to soak your vision with no mercy. Whenever they bantered like old days, Tony was the happiest and saddest man alive, because he could see the begin they once started out till the end of their on and off relationship that used to be thin strings entwined a broken heart. Of course, Civil War still happened (fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you) Rhodey did not avoid the fall because the Avengers agreed or tried to work their conflict on the topic of justice out like respectable adults with well awareness that their actions had impact to the world, or at least, the world trend. Nope, they fought like a bunch of idiotic punks in the same airport but messier because this time, the gods joined. Thor, being an alien god, was expected be against the accord. To say it was quite a surprise could not fathom how Tony really felt when Thor’s booming voice addressed Wanda and Rogers as petulant children hating to be in pain but loving every excuse the pain provided them to do anything. From what Tony had gathered, this Point Break, turned out, had faced with lot of shitty experiences earlier than in Tony’s previous world because on their second Age of Ultron, Thor’s hair was already short. No, not just that. The guy also had this weirdly calm aura, regal even. Thanks fucking fuck the guy still smiled like happy puppy being praised ‘good boy’ when Tony or the dude’s infamous brother threw him Pop-tarts, or Tony might actually lose his sense. When Thor was not in cool warrior king mode facing an enemy Tony thought the guy got even goofier than before with all the inside jokes between him and Loki. They brought up their stories from time to time as if everything had always been well. The engineer also caught them gossiping about ‘big sister’ such as how she was a real nightmare. From what Tony could comprehend despite their out of character mumbling, she ruled Asgard, for now. She also had to have a shouting match with their zombie dad (what the fuck, no way he could not be the one responsible for this change, what the fuck) every Friday. Loki was worse though, or maybe he was this great at being pain in the ass back then too but Tony only got to see it just now because in this history, Loki was his buddy. That little shit conjured up Norse version of ambrosia in popcorn shape then appointed himself to be a commentator of Civil War which only made them look even more like idiots. And Loki saved Rhodey. That made Tony cry three hours straight he almost decided not to go after Rogers and Barned because in this world, Vision did not exist. Ultron did not get to destroy Jarvis, Tony made sure of that, so it was Tony himself who fired the attack aiming for Sam’s wings but missed. When he went back in time, it began with Loki making chaos in Germany, an official starting point of the Avengers. Tony called out Loki’s shit and betted on the mind of the magical alien to understand that he was from a fucked up future where the God of Lie’s lies did not work in their master’s favor. Loki dropped the act. Turned out pride went down your throat faster when swallowed with fear of some jackass titan who had balance obsession. The billionaire superhero also had to pretend he had no idea who was Spider-Man because Tony would not dare recruit the kid during the new Civil War. He could not let anything grow into struggling touch of not wanting to disappear left like a phantom feeling on his arms. He could not let there be a seed to grow. Every damn time he saw a flash of red and blue above New York’s buildings, his mind rushed back to the trembling, scared voice calling him Mr. Stark. It did not hurt the same way he felt when he lost some piece of his relationship with Pepper, the piece from the world Tony was used to. It just crawled under his skin. One might think the air around him wanted to shred this longing pseudo father away. Ergo, Tony made Loki help dropping the new suits for Peter as subtle as that asshole gave a shit enough to be. Tony heard one time that dickhead reindeer friend of his just throw a suitcase containing an upgraded Spider-Man suit at the kid’s head and only had decency to utter the fakest fake ‘Oh, my bad, the finder the keeper then, mortal.’ before leaving. Tony nagged Loki about his cliché alien forgoing human common sense in interactions he damns sure Loki knew façade. That guy read Wikipedia for time-killing and he slipped pop culture references in their conversations as if he was a champion who never missed going to Comic-Con. The angel-pirate golden retriever god assumed that earth was sadder Asgard (bitch) while Loki had fun with cultural differences since it meant convenient chances for playing ignorant just to troll everyone. Tony Stark’s new shithead-friend-slash-partner-in-crime-because-I-will-invade-earth-again-before-I-let-you-call-me-a-sidekick was a damn piece of work and whenever Loki gave Tony a reason to yell at him, either for Game of Thrones pranks or please-come-up-with-other-solution-outside-murder-related, Tony felt every breath he took after that was so fresh something inside his chest did not need to go to an imaginary ocean on imaginary sunny day anymore. It found its serene horizon sculpted by arguments with the bratty wordsmith. For someone burdened with glorious purpose, Loki seemed pretty content with endless talk, pun or colloquy. It must be the only category he was not picky. “I am familiar with you playing with your tin toy from dusk till dawn,” A smooth voice brought Tony back to the present where his brain snapped awake when he closed his eyes. “You standing still longer than three minutes, however.” Tony waited until the space next to him was filled by a lithe shape moving annoyingly elegant on the same level of a cat packing attitude. Loki plopped down. His back rest against the balcony as he stretched those long legs, ankles crossed. Tony chided himself for foolishly thinking for a second that Loki would sit on a floor when he saw embroidered pillows beneath the god, probably pulled out of his elite magical ass. “Are you comfortable, your highness?” “Not quite.” Loki hummed. “Come to think about it, I never see you sleep,” Tony murmured. He knew Loki heard him just fine, like it even. A low whisper that could be compared to a fragile night. “I rarely sleep.” A wind combed the dark hair as Loki paused. “Some Æsir are dream walkers. After I have learned about that I tried not to sleep until I found a magic to ward any dream walker off.” “And you don’t sleep these days because…?” “Now I cannot bring myself to sleep when Thor is awake.” Loki looked up past Tony toward the sky. Maybe those eyes could see stars, maybe the whole nine realms. Tony had thought about asking but when it came up, it stuck in his mouth and fingertips. “How come?” “The same reason you cannot sleep peacefully in this world.” “In this world?” Tony slid down, crossing legs. His right knee nudged Loki’s hip but the god did not move nor tell him to. At a time like this Tony wondered if Strange ever found a universe where he and Loki were the same race and at each other’s side since childhood because the picture came too easily. Pictures of two smartass children sneaking in, sneaking out, looking down on most adults around them, staying up late when they were younger than four shall be their first victory that no matter how many times Tony had rewritten the history, he would remember it. No confusion nor memory glitch could taint it. “In this world, the facts that Ten Fuckerships of the Rings tortured me and Obie was still the asshole who betrayed me are now one of my rock for holding on sensibility. This world. This frickin’ world.” “I see it too, Stark.” Tony stopped. “See what?” “Your history, or should I say it is mine and Thor’s too because we both see it, we perceive it all.” “What!?” Tony almost got up but his legs were too tired, he sat back. “How, and why didn’t you tell me?” “Our minds work differently.” Loki finally looked at Tony, showing off those emerald eyes he used for sending unsung thoughts. “I know you remember it all but not actually all of it, that’s why you have trouble telling which events belongs to which world.” “Well, I don’t have eidetic memory. Still a genius without it though.” “We don’t have that either. I’m certain Thor does not.” Wordsmith tilted his head when he rolled eyes. It made a little shift in his hair that pooled around long pale neck. Occasionally, Tony calculated a distance to answer himself why his fingers should not lace in Loki’s black locks, especially when one or both of them had a bitter feeling riling up. “Æsir like him don’t remember everything. Even Odin forgets. But Thor is a son of Odin, a future protector of all realm (yeah, heard they changed that after Thanos fucked half of the universe) The change you caused,” “With you.” Tony inserted immediately. Loki was the first person he made team with after going back so anything shit that happened could be shared between them instead of drowning Tony alone. Moreover, he hated to admit that he liked working and judging people together with Loki but the prick made him say it at every team meeting as a payment for helping him with Spider-Man package delivery. “With me.” The way Loki shook his head mockingly was a challenge for Tony not to chuckle. He nailed it. “Your people talk about butterfly effect but there are effects you can ignore and ones you cannot. This change is the latter. It has affected every realm greatly and with Thor having a direct connection to the cause combining with his role as Thor Odinson, everything that happened in your old history leading to this has revealed itself to him.” He really wanted to stand up yet no strength inside his body volunteered to be there for Tony. “Wh -- What -- wait.” “It is ‘Voodoo Shit’ you don’t want but dying to comprehend, yes.” “Is this why sometimes he looks…too calm? too wise?” “No, that just Hela’s doing. She terrorized and bitch slapped him into wisdom.” “Then how come you came back here and act like a brat.” “She also bitch slapped the fuck out of me that I don’t have it left to give and I need it a lot to stay composed. Now I realize that I only need hindsight.” Loki shrugged. “I’m still a god. Thor is still a buffoon.” Damn, the confidence that saved Asgard from drama. “Yet you’re scared of said buffoon you can’t even go to sleep.” “He knows what I could have become.” “Is this where you stab me?” Another conjured pillow smacked right into Tony’s nose. “Don’t be imbecile, Stark. I’d rather defenestrate you or stab you in front of million people obviously. I haven’t lost my poetic sense.” “I’m gonna convert to any religion that sends a deity to kick your ass. Does big sis have a cult?” Loki snorted. “Wait -- you said you know it too. And you fucking know your previous self --” “Threw you out of the window? Yes.” “How? You’re not like Thor.” “Because I’m the trickster; chaos converses with me and this change is one of the greatest.” “Why’re you telling me now, Loki?” He looked into Loki’s eyes not hoping for the truth waving billboard in there but for Loki to see that he needed to understand. To make Loki remembered how it felt to wanted the fact nevertheless scared shitless as well. “If Thor wants to kill me, you must not change his mind.” Tony found the strength to get up eventually. He stood there, looking at Loki in disbelief. In his head he could tell Loki did not spoke as scared little brother. He sat on his elegant pillow, chin tilted up the way a prince who knew what was he doing would do. The way a trickster knew his next step. “Why? Aren’t you two getting along --” “But when we are alone with our thoughts, Thor wonders if this is just a waiting area until I become…me.” “You mean he wants a sign that you will turn evil.” “The event of Dark Elf has not happened yet. I saw myself in Asgard’s prison. I saw my mother’s funeral. I saw Thor’s rage. He wanted to kill me but grief and love for mother stopped him, then my death forced him to forgive me only to ignited it all again when he learned that it was fake. I saw myself starting the Ragnarök. I saw -- I saw how Thor forgave me easier and easier because after Frigga’s death, there were no others. Not his human lover, not his comrades, not Odin. His morose for being alive without a person who grasped him more than he could himself is pathetic, therefore, he realized he had to forgive me. It is sad to look.” “Yes, Jarvis, play Despacito” Jarvis really did. Tony stopped the song before Loki decided it was not a bad idea to go be a villain. Tony had to rushed out other sentence as soon as the song was cut. “So what? Your big brother has always been a sad teddy bear! You don’t have the right to resent it just now to the point you want your brother to kill you!” Dear lord if he was not an improviser. “I didn’t want Thor to kill me. I told you to not try to change his mind if someday he wants to!” It was Loki’s turn to stand up. “Which part of it you don’t understand?” “EVERY FUCKING SYLLABLE” They both said goodbye to silent night with their heavy gaze. “I don’t know what Fate has waiting for me.” Loki started again. “Maybe me being the chaos bringer you and Thor have to fight is inevitable and I accept it because I can sense my belonging to havoc but I shall not tolerate if my journey there only has pitiful love from a lonesome brother.” He stood tall. Yet his voice so broken. “I’m god. I will not sink back down to that little brother craving for a glance at my direction. I know I was dead at Thanos’ feet because I was satisfied. That it was undeniably as good as it could be after everything. It was pathetic.” "So if you ever go rouge, you want Thor to fully hate you because or else, you might not be able to stay in the villainous lane and eventually you’re afraid you might die a redeemed puny god,” Tony took a step. “Again.” Loki looked away. “You dipshit.” That got Loki to turn back and Tony wasted no time in erasing the distance in order to crush his mouth against Loki’s. Rough hand buried the fingers in black locks tightly as he swore he would hold the wordsmith harder if this was not enough for Loki to understand how much Tony wanted, how determined he planed, to go beyond the end of time with him. “Don’t you compare this to Pepper or anyone else. I wouldn’t call Pepper dipshit before kissing her and no way in hell I would kiss Quill after calling him dipshit.” Rumbling, he pulled Loki down until their foreheads met. “I wasn’t even thinking about that but now you have mentioned it.” “Stop right there.” His fingers tightened. “Reindeer, why are you telling me all this?” “Because if Thor ever wants to kill me, you will try to change his mind. You will try to make him think there is good left in me because I chose to fight Thanos alongside you once then everything might lead to the old road.” “You’re as scared of the old history and what could come next as me. Why can’t you say it?” “I detest sharing mutual sentiment.” “Jackass.” Tony kissed him again. “Please fucking please, try to not go villain. Chaos doesn’t have to be bad. We even have a type of people called chaotic goody doody something, ask Bruce.” “You’re talking about Banner or you nemesis in Gotham?” This time Tony shoved the taller frame against the balcony and pulled that sharply beautiful face into another kiss. He moved to the high cheekbone, temple, and brought back the fragile whisper of “Stay with me.” “No promises for such delusional request.” From the God of Lies, that means ‘I will’ in English.