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Junho had never been a heavy sleeper. He had gotten used to catching just a few hours of sleep a night for weeks while balancing group and individual activities, often finding himself awake before the alarm rung for fear he’d oversleep and be late. That hadn’t changed after the army; if anything the current lack of a packed schedule seemed to keep him awake when he should be relishing the fact that he could sleep as much as he wanted. But he still had dreams that plagued him, as if his subconscious wanted to warn him of things that had already come to pass. Thus, he was not surprised when the constant scratching at the bedroom door woke him up. He was also not surprised to see Eddie standing there when he opened the door, but what did surprise him was how agitated the dog looked, jumping at Junho’s ankles and trying to bite at the shin of his pajama bottoms, trying to drag him out of the bedroom. “Hey, stop that,” Junho said, crouching down to pick him up, but Eddie just moved towards the stairs and barked at him. Junho tilted his head, intrigued. “Do you have to pee?” he sighed, moving back inside to put on a sweater and a scarf; it was early dawn and the cottage windows had a misty dampness clinging to the glass. It would be chilly outside and the last thing Junho wanted was to get sick and give Minjun an excuse for them to go back home already.Not that Junho felt he still had a home now. The closest he felt to that was in this very cottage, the peace and quiet that only being in the middle of that familiar forest could bring him. He followed Eddie down the stairs, pleased that the dog had stopped making so much noise now that Junho was ready to go out with him. He peeked inside the guest room, whose door was already open to reveal a sleeping Minjun, curled up under a pile of blankets, thankfully unstirred so far. “Okay, buddy, let’s head out,” he whispered to Eddie just before closing the front door; the air was indeed cold and Junho twirled the scarf twice around his neck, standing at the porch while Eddie sniffed around for the right place to do what he needed to. But Eddie wasn’t satisfied; he peed against one tree and then walked farther into the hiking trails to the left of the house.“Hey, where are you going? Come back here!” Junho hissed; he hadn’t put Eddie on a leash because that usually wasn’t necessary when the dog just wanted to relieve himself. Eddie stopped and turned just to bark at him, much like he had done upstairs, and then continued walking forward. “Eddie!” Junho called as he went after him, annoyed that his pet had chosen such a bad time of day to go exploring. He made a mental note never to take him outside without a leash anymore, and also to put on some goddamn pair of sweatpants over his pajamas next time because his legs were cold now. He walked a little faster, afraid that he would lose sight of Eddie, but the dog seemed to be waiting for him to follow, for he would stop and look back at Junho whenever Junho thought he had disappeared. “Where the hell are you going?” Junho grumbled, not as afraid as he thought he would be walking among the trees with barely any light to guide the way; the mist made it hard for the moonlight to get through to him but he was familiar with this path. He and Taecyeon had gone through the trouble of marking some of their favorite hiking trails with stones along the sides, and this was the path that led to one of their favorite spots. Junho immediately suppressed memories as he kept in step with Eddie, who seemed to be having a lot of fun guiding him through the forest. “Did Taec bring you here before?” Junho whispered, his voice catching as he said that name; he had not been here the first time Taecyeon had brought Eddie along and he regretted that deeply. He took a deep breath, torn from the sting in his eyes and his unwillingness to feel that way. As he exhaled, he closed his eyes and bit by bit he calmed down, until the sound of his own heartbeat gave way to the sound of the stream nearby, where Eddie seemed to be headed. “Surely you don’t wanna go in there now, right? It’s too cold,” Junho told Eddie, not caring that whatever he said wouldn’t really be understood. Eddie barked back, though, and that made Junho smile, if briefly. But Eddie turned right and followed the stream up where the path got steeper, twisted trees to his right, wildflowers and patches of green to his left. Junho had to wonder if Eddie wasn’t going too far, but he looked happy, his tongue poking out whenever he paused to either bark at Junho or just to check that his owner was still close behind. He could admit to himself that he was enjoying the exercise; maybe that was what he needed to get a good night of sleep afterall. He felt good right now, though, the smell of fallen leaves and dampened trunks refreshing like nothing else. Eddie paused where the ground got plain again, a pile of stones marking the end of the trail as Taecyeon and Junho had made it years ago. The forest got thicker beyond that, and they hadn’t ventured into it for fear of getting lost. They had talked about paving another path along the stream the opposite way where Junho had followed Eddie now, but that hadn’t happened, and Junho had no motivation to make it himself now, alone. Eddie started moving in circles and barking, coming to paw at Junho’s old pair of running shoes before returning to the same spot on the ground. Junho noticed the dog was not just making circles anymore, he was digging, and suddenly Junho was hit with a sense of dread as the sight looked eerily familiar. Only it shouldn’t be Eddie the one digging, but Junho himself. That was how one of his dreams always went; he would keep digging till his hands burnt from the strange heat that surrounded whatever was buried about three feet under there, but he never got to see what it was.He didn’t know if he wanted to find out. Years had passed and he never got to make sense of the recurring images that assaulted him while he slept, images that had made him jolt awake with fear that coiled at his insides before spreading until he felt like his hands were really burning, not cold but hot from touching what seemed to be forbidden. He didn’t want to believe any of that, but as his eyes scanned the ground he decided he had had enough of not knowing. “Eddie,” he called, and for once the dog stopped to look at him. Junho went on his knees to lift him by the front legs, looking the dog in the eye. “Taecyeonnie brought you here, right? You saw him burying something, didn’t you?” Eddie couldn’t answer him, but he licked at Junho’s chin and tried to wriggle free of his grasp just to climb up his shoulder, like he used to do when he was still a puppy. He wasn’t much bigger now, and Junho was too interested in what was beneath the ground to mind the fact that his sweater and scarf were getting all dirty from Eddie’s paws. “I wonder if I can uncover it without using a shovel?” Junho mused out loud. He stroked at Eddie’s back and scratched behind his ears until he slid down to his lap, curling up into a ball on Junho’s thighs. “You miss him too, don’t you?” Junho’s voice was so quiet he barely heard it himself, but the words were still hard to say, their reality still unbearable. He allowed Eddie a moment longer before he put him on the ground, and Eddie just lay there, resting his head on the front paws while making puppy eyes at Junho, so different from the lively little dog he had been just a few seconds ago. Junho heaved a sigh and moved closer to the spot that Eddie had seemed to want to show him. He grabbed at a handful of dirt and it came off easily, a sign that the earth had been moved there. If Taecyeon had indeed buried something there, and if it was what Junho suspected--that one empty drawer in their bedroom as conspicuous as it had been when Taecyeon had used it for safekeeping--it was about time to reveal it.So, he started digging. It was considerably easy for the first feet down, but the dirt got harder to scoop out as he got deeper, not only because it was thicker and better pressed down but because Junho soon got tired of doing that with his bare hands. It was cold, though he started sweating halfway through the second feet down, hence the scarf that he placed near Eddie. He could always wash it later. “Alright there, buddy?” Junho paused to look at him, and Eddie’s eyes moved from his face to the hole on the ground before he peered at Junho with those puppy eyes that shouldn’t be able to say so much.Junho wiped at his forehead with the back of his left hand and immediately regretted it, for the tips of his fingers brushed under his fringe and that meant he would need to wash his hair later that day, again, and he had forgotten to bring a blow-dryer this time. Taecyeon used to like playing with the curls of his hair on the rare occasions when Junho didn’t straighten it.He kept digging, the soil harder to scrape out as he continued, but he wouldn’t give up. There was dirt collecting under his fingernails despite the fact that he had trimmed them just a few days ago. One of his fingers suddenly burnt from the unexpected harsh brush of a shallow root; one of the trees along the path had long, thick roots that reached underground and had probably kept growing over the years. “I guess we’re getting closer,” Junho told Eddie, even though the reassurance was more for himself. If his dreams were accurate, as absurd as that would have seemed to him before this all happened, he had just a little less than four inches to go. He tested that notion by digging a smaller hole in the center of the larger one, two fingers pushing down, moving into the earth until one fingernail rubbed against something that felt like plastic. Junho stilled, bent forward into the hole, his face almost touching the hollowed dirt. He had to tell himself to breathe, doing so in sharp inhales, his chest tightening. Yet he wouldn’t stop; he used both hands to scoop out the remaining dirt that kept him from what he wanted and there it was, a plastic-wrapped package that seemed to give him a shock when he rested his hand on top of it. His eyelids drooped and he willed himself to ignore that, ignore what that reminded him of, who used to make him feel that way depending on how they touched one another. It shouldn’t still work, this current that he had never been able to explain, just feel. The circuit should have been broken once Taecyeon was not there anymore. “But he’s still here, isn’t he?” he whispered softly as he lifted up the package, the warmth in his hands lingering even if they didn’t burn anymore. The mist had just started to dissipate, he noticed; the air around him was not as thick or dark anymore, the first signs that the sun was rising. He considered bringing his findings to the cottage and washing his hands first, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to wait, not any longer, and he didn’t want to deal with Minjun’s curiosity in case the other had already gotten out of bed. He placed the package on his lap and rubbed his hands on the sweater; it was already dirty anyway, and he would only worry about that later. His hands were not exactly clean but he deemed it good enough, ignoring their shaking as he ripped at the plastic--four thick layers of it; Taecyeon had certainly been careful. He almost let something slip to the ground before he caught it, recognizing the smooth surface of a photograph before he dared take a look. He was holding Taecyeon’s notebook, he realized immediately, the one Junho had seen him writing on even though he knew he was not meant to; the one Junho had asked about and Taecyeon had told him he would show him once it was ready. He didn’t understand why Taecyeon had buried it here though, as if Junho wasn’t really meant to find it, despite the fact that the cottage and a vast area around it belonged to them--to him. He looked from the notebook in his right hand to the photograph under his left one, his eyes focusing on the latter. Taecyeon’s handwriting was visible on the back of it, and Junho didn’t know what would be worse, to see what the picture was or read--
Babe,
was the first word, the one he never thought he would miss hearing this much. The pain he felt upon seeing that now was also something he never thought he would feel, much less be able to bear, its intensity and depth bringing tears that didn’t fall, but kept his vision blurry so that he couldn’t read for a while. x
Babe,
I thought I’d start with something you remembered. I mean, I guess you’ll understand it once you read what’s in the notebook, but I happen to like this photograph a lot. You look happy here, so beautiful-- you’re always so beautiful, and this is one of my favorite memories. Got lots of them through the years, but this one is special, and I’m sure you know why. I’m lucky you keep coming after me whenever I seem to go astray, and I hope this time it won’t be different. I’ll be coming home soon. I miss you.
Love,
Yeonnie.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
France, 1918
“I’m so bored,” said Juliette, picking up a pink peony to smell it and then proceeding to peel off the petals one by one.Tempeste chuckled. “Of course you are,” she said as she laid down on the grass, careless about the skirt of her white dress and the fact that anyone could see her if they walked by. The chances of that happening were scarce; nobody felt like strolling around the park those days, and even if they did, she didn’t care. “All the boys have gone to war and you have no one to give you their undivided attention now.”Juliette might have kicked her friend if she wasn’t such a lady, the other knew, from the fiery look in her eyes and the brief scrunch of the nose. She looked adorable when she was angry and Tempeste loved to get under her skin as much as she liked to get on her skin, too. But those were not thoughts to be had in the light of day; those were for the lonely nights when one sought to give comfort to another in ways neither dared to speak of.“I know that if I were a boy I’d have volunteered too,” Tempeste added as she looked up at the sky; it was a lovely October afternoon, no signs of bombardings so far. Of course, one was never truly prepared for those, and both girls had seen that war could take more from those not directly involved than the ones fighting for ideas that should not be bigger than lives. Tempeste shook her head as that thought surprised her; Juliette was getting to her head and she didn’t like it. The war as necessary, they were doing that for their safety, for everybody’s safety. “Don’t be silly,” Juliette said, making sure the ground beneath her was not too dirty as she pulled her skirts around her before sitting down next to Tempeste. She took off her hat, revealing curls of light brown hair that had been carefully framed around her face. Tempeste had learned not to tease her about such vanity; it was one of the few things Juliette could still do to hold on to a normal life. “If everybody went to war, who would be left to go on with what was left of our country? Besides, I could not stand to lose you too.”Tempeste smiled at that, a smile that was bigger inside than it was on display. She knew not to look too happy when Juliette hinted at her loss; her older brother had gone to war and her family hadn’t got news about him in months. They were lucky to have been born in an area of France not yet occupied by Germans, but the war had reached their homes nonetheless. “Not everybody dies, y’know,” she said, as softly as she could, a reassurance that was meant for Juliette but she wished she could believe it, too. Her own father had died in the war, back when joining the army was still a matter of volunteering and everybody believed it would all be over before Christmas. Three Christmas had come and gone and there were no signs of it ending. “It’s not just that,” Juliette said, picking at the grass between them. Tempeste felt the urge to take her hand in hers but held back; Juliette didn’t like to be coddled, though she probably wouldn’t refuse her touch either. They were best friends, after all. They had been there for each other since they were little kids. Tempeste’s mom did the washing for Juliette’s family and Tempeste had always tagged along to help her mom pick up and deliver the clothes, playing with Juliette’s brother sometimes when Juliette was too small to join them, though she was often around, her brother having to take care of her when their mom was busy. Tempeste had taken to her since she first saw those round cheeks puffing up through the big smile that took over her face when she was finally allowed to play with the Big Kids, as her brother would refer to himself and Tempeste, a division that Tempeste herself grew to dislike over time. She couldn’t explain it but she felt more connected to Marcel’s sister than to him, a feeling that only developed as the years went buy and Juliette grew up to become a beautiful, smart, obstinate yet thoughtful girl that was the real reason why Tempeste wished she had the same rights as boys did. “People change after the war,” Juliette was saying, and Tempeste realized her friend had been talking while her thoughts drifted off to forbidden territories. “Besides, haven’t you heard about this thing where people go mad, I mean, I didn’t understand it well but some soldiers had to be taken off the field because they were not…” she trailed off, her brows furrowed as she tried to find the right words, but Tempeste knew what she was talking about.“I hear they’re just conchies trying to find ways not to fight,” Tempeste said, something she immediately regretted for the look on her friend’s face.“How can you be so heartless?” she huffed, but then her expression turned to bewilderment and further disappointment as she recalled something else. “You gave a white feather to Valentin, didn’t you? That day when we were leaving church and he said he wanted to talk to me, he had a flower in his hand and—”“That guy’s a coward. He said that he wouldn’t fight the war because he doesn’t believe in killing people he doesn’t know just because the government tells him to, but those people we don’t know—they’re killing our people! They killed my dad, and who knows what they did to your brother—”“Don’t,” Juliette stood up, looking down at her as if Tempeste had hurt her. “Don’t talk about Marcel,” she continued, her voice quiet but steady, her eyes gleaming but narrowed, sorrow and anger mixed there. “I agree with Valentine. Even if I could go to war, I wouldn’t want to kill anyone.”“That’s because you’re a girl.”“You are one too, stupid! Listen to yourself! Haven’t we lost enough?”“I guess you’re too worried about the “loss” of possible marriage proposals to see that this is all for the greater good.”Juliette blinked, a look of pure disbelief on her face. Tempeste realized she was going too far; she didn’t want them to fight but she couldn’t seem to make herself stop. She was agitated, jealous that a boy had wanted to court her best friend and that Juliette would have loved that even if it was from someone so different from Tempeste. Maybe that was the reason; maybe Juliette would never be interested in her even if she was a boy because she didn’t agree with her views. That hurt her deeply, more than knowing they could never be more than friends, not except for those few, almost unrealistic moments of weakness when they shared a bed in cold, lonely nights, their mothers and everybody else unaware of what they were doing.“My brother was—is very fond of you,” Juliette quickly corrected herself. For a moment she looked as though she’d crumble, fall to pieces, and maybe Tempeste would have a chance to hug her, to offer her real comfort when she most needed it. But Juliette was strong; she took a deep breath and it was all gone—her face became almost unreadable. Almost, for Tempeste knew Juliette too well; her eyes had been trained to see past the walls that her friend tended to keep around other people. “He’s even talked about asking for your hand, once,” Juliette said, and for all the world it looked as if that didn’t affect her at all. It was the very lack of emotion that gave her away, though. A future best-friend-turned-sister-in-law would look or try to look at least a little excited.“He’s not the one in the family that interests me, though.” The words were out before Tempeste could think them through. She avoided speaking like that for Juliette’s sake, for their safety, but it was the truth. Juliette liked to say she didn’t tolerate lies, but she was as much part of this secret as Tempeste.Juliette closed her eyes, turned to look at the flowers she had picked one from earlier. It looked as though she would let it pass, not address the daring remark, so when she finally spoke Tempeste had to strain to hear it, and she could hardly believe it. “It wouldn’t be so bad… if you married him. We’d still be close to each other. I guess it would be the only way.”Tempeste swallowed; everything she wanted to say got stuck in her throat as if to choke her. Juliette picked another peony and sat down next to her again, closer this time. Tempeste could only stare as the other put the flower in her messy hair, Juliette’s touch gentle, a brief stroke of fingertips behind her ear. They looked at each other until Juliette blushed and turned to look the other way, while Tempeste kept staring at her profile, slow gaze tracing the contours of her face until Juliette’s lips parted, her hands coiling on her lap. Tempeste longed to kiss her, to take her hands and hold her and never let go. But she just touched the peony Juliette had placed in her hair, wondering about the proposal, what lay beneath it. She didn’t know what to do; the only thing she knew was that, just like Juliette couldn’t stand to lose her, Tempeste couldn’t bear the thought of living the rest of her live with somebody else.xAt that moment I didn’t know, but I would accept to marry your brother just so I could stay close to you. To my dismay and despair, you’d marry that Valentin guy and look so happy all the time, but not as happy as you were when we got to have a moment just for us, which with time became rarer and rarer. It was not that our love lost its strength, but we each had our own family now—you and I got pregnant around the same time. Funny thing to think about, right? A stroke of fate, one might say, but I had dreams. Visions. I knew what was going to happen even before you went into labor, just a few hours after I did. I had already made up my mind that when your stillborn came out into the world, I’d change it for my baby, the boy that would grow to look like your brother, like you too. No one ever found out. You never knew. I gave your brother two other children, a boy and a girl, so I got to make the both of you happy. In a way, you raised our child. And you did it well.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
June 2010
“Junho?”Junho was a little startled, but he didn’t turn around to face the other side of the room. “Yes, hyung? Did I wake you up?” Taecyeon’s voice had sounded groggy. The light above his bed had been turned off by the time Junho left the shower in his pajama bottoms. He had thought about putting on one of the old shirts he had brought along, but wearing something he never did when he was in the dorm might make things even more awkward. Junho sighed; he was never sure about anything these days. It was a hot day though, and they had a long day ahead of them, and he was tired from the flight and the jet lag and the constant overthinking.Taecyeon either hadn’t answered him or Junho hadn’t heard him, but he did hear it as the other moved to sit up in bed. “Are you okay?”Junho let out another sigh. He didn’t need Taecyeon to become uncannily observant and worried about his well-being. “Yeah,” he lied, telling himself it was a white one so it was okay. He pulled back the covers on his bed and pretended to be fixing up his pillow with a few punches that weren’t supposed to sound that strong in the silence, damn himself. “Junho,” the call was more insistent this time, as though Taecyeon wanted Junho to actually turn around and face him. “It’s okay to be nervous about tomorrow, y’know.”“I’m not--” He frowned, wondering why he was denying it when that was the perfect excuse he needed. He took a long, deep breath and let it out as gradually as he could, though not as silently as he wanted. When he finally sat down in bed and pulled just the light sheets over his body as he lay down, he noticed that Taecyeon was still looking at him. His sigh was an exasperated one this time. “Hyung, can’t we just go to sleep already? I don’t feel like talking right now.”“Really,” Taecyeon said, his sarcasm making Junho grip at the sheets in frustration. He kept looking down though, refusing to look in the other’s direction. “You’ve called me ‘hyung’ twice in less than one minute. That’s a matter of concern.”Junho swallowed, his lips set into a thin line. Why was this happening? Why had he lost control of his body and his feelings like this? Taecyeon should be sleeping instead of pressing him about the one thing he couldn’t put into words; not because he didn’t have them, but because then they would make it real. And this couldn’t be real. “Hey.” Junho nearly jumped when he heard Taecyeon’s voice sounding closer, too close; and then he saw Taecyeon sitting on his bed and Taecyeon wasn’t wearing a shirt either and Junho had seen that-- he had seen more than that earlier when he had walked in on the other taking a shower because Taecyeon hadn’t locked the door and that shouldn’t be a problem because they never did that in the dorm, there was no reason-- He did jump this time, pulling his hands back because Taecyeon had touched him and it had been like a shock. Literally. Junho stared down at his own fingers, which were shaking slightly, and when he finally looked up at Taecyeon’s face, the other had on a puzzled expression as if he had just gone through the same thing. Taecyeon dismissed it with a headshake and a fleeting, amused smile that was replaced by a pensive frown. “Can I ask you just one question?”“You’re already asking one,” Junho deadpanned, though he immediately covered his mouth. He wouldn’t usually care about being slightly rude, but he was also making it all the more difficult on himself. He should act so that Taecyeon would go away, but he kept only adding to the other’s suspicions.“Did you ask to share a room with me?” Junho couldn’t answer as fast as the situation demanded, taken aback as he was by that question. That was enough to give him away; that and the reddening of his ears. “Yeah,” he admitted quietly. Taecyeon nodded. “I suppose you don’t want to tell me why,” he said, the lack of a teasing tone in his voice making Junho stare at him. Taecyeon really wanted to know. Junho had rehearsed the answer to that, just in case. It was not a lie, for he didn’t like lies, but it was not the whole truth either. “Because you speak English. And you could help me.”That got him another nod from Taecyeon, who looked like he had expected him to say just that. “You could also have asked for Minjun or Nichkhun.”“We can change rooms if that bothers you--”“No,” Taecyeon held his wrists; Junho had gotten suddenly agitated and moved as if he would get up and leave right then and there, but Taecyeon kept him in place. Junho willed himself to calm down, and as he did Taecyeon loosened his hold but didn’t take his hands away. They were so close, Junho could only stare as Taecyeon’s frown slowly soothed into his usual easygoing, ready-to-smile face. “I would have asked to stay with you if you hadn’t.”He blinked a few times, swallowing until his reaction to that admission wouldn’t show. “Can you tell me why?” Junho made sure his mockery of Taecyeon’s previous inquiry could be heard. “Oh, you’re being yourself again,” Taecyeon seemed both relieved and amused, so Junho schooled his features into an unreadable expression. Now that all that was out of the way, maybe he could finally-- “You make me sleep.”Junho blinked at him. Was that a joke? Was Taecyeon trying to purposefully irritate him? But Taecyeon still had more to say, and as he went on Junho realized he had actually meant it as a good thing. “We’re either each other’s punching bag or source of energy... but I also feel relaxed when you’re there. I slept like a baby last time I was in your room.”“You always sleep like a baby,” Junho said, concealing a smile. He had to agree with what Taecyeon was saying, because he usually felt like that--or he used to feel like that, before he started feeling other things when he was around Taecyeon. Things that kept him on edge and made it almost impossible for him to relax.“Nope, I usually sleep like a stone, so when I wake up I’m all stiff from lying on the wrong position or forgetting I shouldn’t use the couch for that.”“You’re always stiff,” Junho chuckled softly as he said that. “What’s that now? Maybe I should tell you just how stiff I can get,” Taecyeon was narrowing his eyes at him, his fake anger making Junho laugh and ignore the fact that Taecyeon was also leaning into his personal space again. “Come on, hyung, we need to sleep,” Junho said, exhaustion finally catching up with him now that a tiny bit of his tension had dissipated thanks to Taecyeon’s late night sense of humor. Taecyeon stared at him a while longer, apparently trying to read in his eyes what Junho wouldn’t show in his face. But he finally moved back. Junho bit at his lower lip so that he wouldn’t sigh; Taecyeon was still looking at him even as he got up. He nodded again, too many thoughts crossing his features before he turned and went back to his bed.Junho turned off the light over his bed, but he was unable to turn off his own thoughts.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
2012
Just a little more. Just a while longer. He could do it.Junho bit into his lip, putting all his strength into his left arm. He concentrated, pushing, pushing, pushing; he would win this. His clasped hand was beginning to sweat but he wouldn’t let go; he felt a chill running down his spine, excitement and alcohol running through his veins.Snap.He would swear it was screaming that woke him up, but all was quiet in the room when he opened his eyes. All except for a soft beeping in the machine that kept track of Taecyeon’s vital signs.He should be alright; his life had not been in danger but he had undergone a surgery and he had been in the hospital for a few days, from the moment his arm broke through the surgery to the last few hours he was supposed to remain there. Junho swallowed. He had done that. It hadn’t simply happened; he had caused it. He had physically hurt--“You’re gonna burn a hole through my skull if you keep staring like that,” Taecyeon’s voice was raspy, light with the humor that never seemed to leave him. Hearing him surprised Junho; not the attempt at a joke but the fact that Taecyeon was awake at all. But then again, Junho had dozed off a few times while watching him; it was possible he had slept longer than planned and that dream-- that memory-- xx
March 2013
“Minjun hyung looked great on stage,” Junho said, the first one to talk since they had left the theater. Taecyeon had grown suddenly quiet, his brows knitted together in a thoughtful expression that set Junho on edge. Taecyeon had been his usual charming, joking, often overbearing self until they got to the theater, and he did seem to have enjoyed the play, at least up to a point. Whatever had caused his features to grow clouded was unknown to Junho, but he wasn’t entirely surprised. Things hadn’t been easy between them since Taecyeon had moved out of the dorm, since Junho had—“You’re doing it again…” Taecyeon’s light touch on his arm reached him before the words registered, so Junho almost jumped when he felt it—the tentative brush of fingertips circling around his jacket-clad wrist followed by a loose grip when Junho didn’t look at him. Taecyeon’s voice had been soft, but once they filtered in through Junho’s rush of memories, the words hit him with the worry layered underneath. Junho didn’t know what exactly he did that would always give it away to Taecyeon, but he couldn’t help the way his mind wandered off whenever he got nervous around the other. It shouldn’t be like this, he kept repeating to himself as he looked at the hand he had once held until a bone snapped. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, unsure whether he was apologizing for that or what had just happened right now.Taecyeon sighed; he let go of him to unbuckle his seatbelt and turn around on the passenger’s seat to face him as best as he could, considering they were still in Junho’s car. Junho mirrored his first action but not the second one. “I’m not complaining. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me what’s bothering you.”Junho closed his eyes. Too many things. He took Taecyeon’s hand in his when the other reached for him again, holding it tight so that Taecyeon wouldn’t try to dodge his question. “What have you been thinking about all night?”Taecyeon let out an amused exhale that didn’t fool Junho for one second. “Well...”“You didn’t say a word since we got in the car.” Junho stared him in the eye, his seriousness making Taecyeon drop the grin he had been trying to muster up. “You said that I’m doing it again, but you are, too. That thing where you get all quiet, as if you were far away…” Junho paused, shaking his head as he looked down at their joined hands. “You always say you’re remembering, but…I’m here, Taec. I don’t know how much we’ve changed, but I still wanna make this work.”“I want that too, Junho,” Taecyeon let out a heavy sigh, as if he was both relieved by Junho’s statement and also overwhelmed by what he was implying. “That’s not—what you’re thinking, I’m not remembering that. I’m just… I can’t understand it myself. I’m not sure it’s even real.”“You’re not making any sense,” Junho tried to make that sound like a light jest, but he wasn’t as good at that as Taecyeon. The latter took a deep breath and leaned in closer, touching the fluffy fringe that covered Junho’s forehead, brushing it aside and watching as the locks returned slowly to their original place. “Do you think you would have been with me if things were different? If we had another life?”Those were questions Junho definitely hadn’t expected. He tilted his head to the side, but there were no signs of a joke on Taecyeon’s face; his eyes bore into Junho’s in all earnesty, his smooth features showing he was really waiting for an answer to that. “What do you mean… another life? You mean if we weren’t idols?”“No,” Taecyeon shook his head, but he added just as quickly, “I mean, that too. But… in a past life. In a future life. Any other life. Do you think we would meet each other? Be friends? Be…” he smiled briefly, that one second lift of the lips that seemed to carry all the feelings he had for Junho. “What are you talking about?” Junho asked slowly, still trying to comprehend what Taecyeon was getting at. He thought he had an idea, but he wasn’t ready to believe Taecyeon would suggest something like that. “Sometimes I think…” Taecyeon trailed off, his eyes somewhere above Junho’s head, his fingers absentmindedly scraping behind Junho’s right ear. “I don’t know. It’s silly. But I see us, in different… different lives, I don’t know how to put it. It’s like there are different stories that could have been told, but this is the one we get to live. Or maybe they are memories from the past.” He snorted, as if he himself couldn’t believe it. “It’s so weird, right?”“It is…” Junho said slowly, not sure if he should prompt Taecyeon into elaborating, but he did recall something they had talked about a couple of years ago. “Was that…” he tried to search for the right words, but no matter how he tried to put it, it all seemed strange to him. “You once asked me what I would like to be in another life. I mean, that conversation we had, about reincarnating as animals? And you told me the leopard was not one of the big four and I got really mad at you?”Taecyeon’s smile was a lingering one now. “Yeah.” His thumb traced the contour of Junho’s ear, which was probably turning red as Taecyeon kept touching him, so softly and seemingly unaware of what he was doing. Junho had actually missed this—just talking about nothing while they slowly got into each other’s personal space until they found their own, the one that belonged just to the two of them. “Sorry I ruined that for you.”“You didn’t. You were wrong. Leopards are one of the big four and you suck.”Taecyeon looked offended for a millisecond before his eyebrows did that thing that always got under Junho’s skin. “Do I?” he asked, the tip of his tongue poking at the corner of his mouth.Junho rolled his eyes at him, but he ended up shivering slightly when Taecyeon slid a fingertip along his jawline. His breathing changed a little, and that got Taecyeon’s pupils to dilate once they looked at each other. Junho coughed. “So, leopards are still the coolest felines out there. And when I get another cat, it’ll be one like that. But smaller.”Taecyeon faked a shudder, his grimace exaggerated on purpose. Junho’s eyeroll was inevitable, but he found himself smiling, especially because Taecyeon had just stroked down his neck to his nape, leaning in closer. “I wouldn’t mind being one of those stupid cats if you were my owner.”“Shut up,” Junho hit at his shoulder, but both that and Taecyeon’s teasing remark were just part of their playful banter, the one that usually got going when they were about to turn other kinds of teasing into touches. “I already own you anyway,” he added just as Taecyeon’s lips were about to brush against his cheek. That made the other pause.“You know you could mean several things by that, and one of them might have to take us somewhere else or I won’t be held responsible for what I’m about to do.” He breathed heavily against Junho’s cheek and moved to place a lingering kiss at the corner of his jaw.“Who says that’s not exactly what I want,” Junho whispered, already anticipating the sound that came from Taecyeon’s throat just as he said that. He turned his body towards Taecyeon, their knees almost bumping in the space between their seats when Junho did that, just so he could pull Taecyeon by the chin and kiss him. The sound that came out this time was deeper; Junho knew how much Taecyeon enjoyed it when he got like that, answering Taecyeon’s worded threat with a quicker move. “We should go somewhere else,” he mumbled even as he licked at Taecyeon’s bottom lip before nibbling at it. Taecyeon gripped at his nape, at his waist that he had tried to pull at when Junho kissed him, but they were not in the best place or position to get too close. Besides, Junho was too aware of where he had parked the car to do anything too risky. Taecyeon’s parents’ house was just half a block down the street.“We could go to the dorm,” Taecyeon said. Junho pulled back to look at him as if he had lost his mind.“That—no, it would be too—weird, and embarrassing, and—we—” He shook his head, too flabbergasted to try and explain what Taecyeon should already know because they had been—doing things for a long time when they were all still living in the dorm. Now it was just Junho, Chansung and Nichkhun, but the fewer people there would only make it even more awkward.“It’s not like they don’t know,” Taecyeon whispered, stroking at the base of his scalp while he kissed the corner of his mouth. Junho recognized the teasing tone in his voice, but he still smacked his chest, though weakly.“I hate you,” he said. “I know. And I know where we could go, if you don’t mind driving.”Junho shook his head. It was considerably early in the night; driving was one of his pleasures and he wanted to be with Taecyeon a longer time still..
.
.Their ride was still tense, but for other reasons now. Junho found himself gripping at the wheel whenever Taecyeon looked at him for more than one second, which happened too often. They had started talking about the final preparations for their upcoming Korean album release, the stages they would prepare for the special broadcast while Taecyeon shuffled through the playlists on Junho’s phone to play in the car. Junho was thankful for the distraction; talking about their music was always engaging, though Taecyeon made sure to make him blush as he brought up Love Song again and again. “I really like the rap you wrote for Coming Down,” Junho said when they stopped at a traffic light, the streets not as busy as they approached their destination. It was an honest compliment, but he also hoped to divert Taecyeon from the other song. It was a mistake, though.“I feel your warmth whenever you’re near,” Taecyeon rapped softly, as slowly as the slide of his fingers on Junho’s left leg, from the hipbone to the inner thigh.“Taec,” Junho breathed. The traffic light would turn green soon and Junho had meant that as a warning, but Taecyeon ignored it to stroke between his thighs, squeezing while Junho bit at his lip to hold back a sound. He would have slapped that daring hand off him if he didn't have to switch gears and try to focus on traffic now that they were rolling ahead again. “Wait,” Junho demanded, yet once again he was ignored.Taecyeon had leaned closer, his shoulder almost bumping against Junho’s side as he leaned down and out of the way of the arm that Junho used to switch gears. He was not only rubbing over the bulge in Junho’s pants anymore, but trying to pull his zipper down as well.“If I crash this car,” Junho gritted between his teeth, keeping his hips in place instead of rocking back into the touch that was gradually undoing him. “I’ll make sure it’s on your side.” He sealed his lips after that, biting at them from the inside when Taecyeon cupped him. He silently damned his thin underwear.“You won’t,” Taecyeon said, sounding too sure and too smug, “And you wouldn’t.”Junho willed his breathing to remain steady, but what was already hard earlier was getting harder now and he gasped, a low moan at the back of his throat that had him speeding up on the road. “Please, Yeonnie,” he looked briefly at Taecyeon, meaning for him to stop.Of course, Taecyeon took it the other way. Or maybe it was the effect of Junho’s airy voice as he called him by that special nickname. Either way, he reached under the fabric and sighed as if he was the one being pleased while he stroked Junho’s cock.Junho gripped at the wheel with both hands as he hit the brakes and steered to the right, onto a resting spot on the road. “Taec--if you don’t--we won’t get there--” each pause was a gasp; he reached for Taecyeon’s wrist to pull it away but his own body didn’t obey him, thrusting up into the hand curled around him, holding it there instead. “Don’t worry, babe,” Taecyeon whispered into his ear just as Junho closed his eyes and gave in, “I’ll get you there.”.
.
.They did eventually reach their actual destination, though they had to wait a while before Junho felt like his knees weren’t that weak anymore. Whenever he stole glances at Taecyeon while driving, he noticed the other was almost falling asleep now, after all the action that had taken place on the backseat--they had moved there after Taecyeon undid Junho not only with his hands, but his mouth too. Junho’s neck and ears wouldn’t stop burning, flashes of their little escapade keeping him warm and fueling his desire for more. He could wait, though. Taecyeon was usually more patient than him, but Junho was actually glad that he had been impulsive and reckless for once. “Taecyeonnie,” Junho called after unbuckling his seatbelt. The car had been parked on one of the parallel spots right in front of the shore, the asphalt giving way to the sand and the rising tide coming in. He wasn’t surprised that Taecyeon had dozed off, and in fact he kind of felt like leaving him there, but he also wanted the other’s company if he was leaving the car. “We’re here,” he said, a little louder now.Taecyeon stirred in his seat before rubbing at his eyes and yawning. “Junho?” he asked, as if he didn’t know where he was. Junho chuckled. “Do you still wanna go outside? We could stay here. Or I can drive you back home.” He didn’t really feel like doing the latter, though. Not yet.“No, I--” There was another yawn; Taecyeon dragged his hands down his face and blinked repeatedly, a slight frown coming and going before he looked back at Junho. “Damn, babe, you knocked me out,” he joked, his grin only widening at Junho’s vexation.“You’re the one who started it,” he said, punching at Taecyeon’s arm.“And you made sure to repay in kind.”Junho narrowed his eyes at him. “We can settle this later,” he said, to which Taecyeon raised one curious eyebrow. Junho turned away to take off his shoes and roll the hems of his pants up to the middle of his calves. He had taken his jacket off earlier, when their bodies’ heat had made up for the cool weather at the end of winter, but he put it back on before opening the door. “I’m gonna walk on the shore. You in?”“You should know the answer to that,” Taecyeon was also getting ready, but Junho didn’t miss the way he had turned his question into a pun. Those dimples on his cheeks always gave him away.He didn’t do more than sigh, though. He was content that they had given themselves this moment, that Taecyeon had accepted his invitation to see Minjun’s musical, that they could still make things work through their ups and downs. Junho had known he would miss Taecyeon, but he didn’t know just how much until he didn’t get to see Taecyeon every day like he had been used to.“You’re gonna get cold,” Junho told the other, enjoying the feel of the fluffy sand under his feet. Taecyeon’s jumper had remained in the car, along with his cap, and his hair was a mess of tousled strands that not even a good comb could settle. Junho had helped make it look like that earlier. “I’ve got you.” Taecyeon put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer to the water, where the sand was wet from the continuous caress of the waves. Junho had to smile at that, the words and the gestures warming up his chest. “Do you really believe that? What you said about us having other lives together?”“I don’t know,” Taecyeon said, staring at their bare feet as the waves came to form pools around them, pools whose existence was as brief as it was endless. “I’ve never thought much about it.” He paused. “What about you?”Junho shook his head. “I’m not sure. I mean, I wouldn’t like to think that it was fate or anything like that. I’m with you because I want to be, and I love you because--” He stopped walking, struck by his own words, and Taecyeon stopped too. It was not the first time Junho had said it, but he didn’t say it often. It had just come out, true as it was. He coughed, suddenly shy. He tried to find a way back to his trail of thought, but he was distracted by the tenderness with which Taecyeon was staring at him. “I mean... It’s not because the universe decided to bring us together or--”“Babe,” Taecyeon pulled him even closer to kiss his cheek before hugging him tight. “I love you too.” His voice was heavy when he said that. Junho let himself sink into his arms, holding him back with as much strength. He blinked a few times, staring at the sea, at the dark sky above their heads, the stars that watched over them. Maybe they had something to do with this, maybe they didn’t. The only thing Junho was sure of was that, in this life, he wanted to be with Taecyeon.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The street that led to the Euston Arch was nearly empty that night. Theodore nearly regretted the decision to walk to the railway station, but there was a rare clearness to the sky that had made him want to go on foot. Besides, he was a grown man; if his instincts were kicking in, he should be able to face whatever that meant.Once he reached the Arch and turned left as if to go into the station, he pretended to still be walking, his footsteps fading while he listened for those of someone else. He leaned onto the wall, close to the first gate that connected one pillar to another. There was no way to get into the station from there; one needed to pass the second pillar to get through the larger gate. However, if his pursuer didn’t know that, he would be dumb enough to follow him and get trapped.Theodore loved it when he got things right; it added to the rush that made him press the guy against the wall, hold his wrists up so that no possible weapons would be used, and--“Easy there, bricky,” the guy had his palms up, a curve to his lips that looked teasing while his eyes pierced through Theodore’s skin. His hair was dark and long, tied back in a messy ponytail; the loose fringe could have easily hidden his gaze if he weren’t staring straight at the other’s face. “Can’t a fella make his own way to the rail station?”Theodore felt his skin warm up under the scrutiny that was as daring as his manners were offensive; he knew right then that the guy didn’t mean to call him brave or fearless. He was making fun of him, maybe trying to shake his confidence so that Theodore would let him go. But he wouldn’t, not when he recognized the smell of the streets and the dirt of the city on the otherwise empty hands, still open in a mocking sign of surrender. “You won’t sell me a dog while you look like one,” Theodore said through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching as he saw the taunt lifting up the other’s lips even before they opened,“I’d rather call myself a cat...” he leaned in as he said that, slitted eyes looking up at Theodore’s furrowing eyebrows with disdain. “It seems you’d like to know why,” he moved to free himself as if that would bring truth to his words, but Theodore strengthened his hold, using his body as a shield against any attempts at an escape. “I want to know why you were following me.” “Don’t flatter yourself, Theo.” The guy bit into his own mouth right after saying that, barely conceived laughter making his perfect teeth visible, framed by full lips that got too close for comfort. Warm breath ghosted over Theodore’s lips, who almost let go of him to scratch at his suddenly itchy mustache. It didn’t smell bad, that breath. He didn’t know why that had registered, or why he was letting himself be distracted when he had a potential thief under his grasp. One that knew his name, one that probably also knew he was an officer, one that showed no respect for anything. He didn’t seem fazed by the fact that Theodore was taller, bigger--despite the big hands the guy had, his wrists were bone thin, his lips chapped by the ever chilly air of London, his face that hinted at some lost youth giving in to sharp cheekbones. He probably didn’t care that Theodore could take him to the police and charge him with attempted robbery and the police would rely on Theodore’s word alone. That might have already happened to him, he might have gotten out of it or gotten the short end of the stick. Theodore almost doubted his own assumptions; and what happened next made him unable to follow that reasoning. He was kissed.But he wasn’t just kissed; he was pushed back by an unexpected force that had him against the pillar right in front of the wall, and he soon realized it was the strength in those big hands that had him there, too astonished to break free from something he had never seen coming. He was kissed, and pressed, and tasted by the tip of a tongue that was as teasing as its owner. He felt his skin going hot, his lips parting in what could have been a gasp but who would believe him when he wasn’t moving, he wasn’t pushing the other away. He could say he was in shock, and maybe that would suit the wave that seemed to wash over him before his hands went numb, his lips still parted while the guy, the thief walked away, a snort and a wave announcing his departure, his fleet.He had robbed Theodore of action, he had robbed him of thought, he had robbed him of dignity.He had also robbed Theodore’s wallet, though that would only be discovered later, when he would try to get on the train and find himself short of money and documents. But he had given Theodore something neither of them knew yet. The sharp sting of a feeling just under the fingertip. Ignore it and it might die down, go numb. Let it bleed and it may spread, reverberate, bring others to life. Remnants of a memory.xx
I was really stupid. Go on, laugh at me, or pretend you’re not laughing even though I know you want to, but I mean it. I didn’t know how to talk to you about this, how to tell you in a way that you would believe me. But I tried. Remember when I asked you if you believed in soulmates and you rolled your eyes at me and you said that if you were ever reborn, you’d want to be a leopard and I said that you might have been an eagle and you said you didn’t hate the idea? I wasn’t kidding. I was a sloth, and you were an eagle that didn’t kill me only because you were too young and I was too slow to realize you were that close to me.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
early 2015
Junho took a deep breath, its exhale ghosting over Taecyeon’s chest. Taecyeon was no longer inside him, but his hands still curled around Junho’s hips, their naked bodies slowly losing the exceeding warmth from earlier. Junho didn’t really want to move; what felt like a long time but was probably just some minutes had gone by since they had reached orgasm and he would like to relish in the lingering sensations a while longer. Still, it would be wise to reach for the blankets near their feet, if only he could make himself get off from atop Taecyeon.“How long can you stay?” Taecyeon asked, one hand running up Junho’s spine to cradle his nape and brush softly just under his hairline. Junho shivered, his slightly bent knees sliding an inch or two up, his body awakening to what was beginning to stir against his belly. He moved his hips onto Taecyeon’s as he lifted up his head to look at him, his hands reaching to stroke the hair away from Taecyeon’s face. “If you were living with me,” he whispered, looking into Taecyeon’s eyes before planting a kiss on his chin. “You wouldn’t need to ask that.”Taecyeon’s mouth twitched, a brief smile taken away by a frown that Junho would rather not have seen. “Junho,” he started, searching for words even as his hands slid down, further down Junho’s body to hold him and help him fit just the right way around his hardening cock. Junho gasped softly, his lower lip assaulted by teeth that bit back any other sounds he might have made. They dug at Taecyeon’s neck too, tasting of sweat and aftersex. “We could do this more often,” Junho said, crushing Taecyeon’s thoughts with a trailing kiss under the jawline, a teasing kiss that turned into a teasing lick as the tip of his tongue found the way to an earlobe. “And so many other things…”“Junho.” He knew Taecyeon was trying to ask him to stop so that they could talk, but Junho pretended to take the tone in his lover’s voice for some other kind of urgency. He rotated his lips slowly, smirking when he heard the heavy breath leaving Taecyeon’s lips, the latter gripping at his flesh while Junho caressed down the length of the arms woven around him, gently asking him to loosen up. Taecyeon let go but his hands found purchase on Junho’s thighs, his gaze clouded as they looked at each other when Junho leaned back to sit on him. “That’s not fair.” Taecyeon’s eyes had a stubborn speck of seriousness that Junho was not sure he wanted to dissipate; the reason he had come to see him was this very conversation. They had been distracted by more pressing matters though, which was usual for them, the time they spent apart only fueling the desire they had for each other. “What’s not fair?” Junho still teased him, his own eyes glinting with mischief as he touched Taecyeon’s hands and started moving them up his thighs, guiding them ever closer to his cock. “The fact that I’m willing to ride you again even though you keep disappointing me?” “That’s a fucking—” Taecyeon’s breath was cut short when Junho flexed the muscles around him, moving his hips just a little up and down again. He repeated that in a slow motion while his hands placed Taecyeon’s around his semi-hard cock. “That’s a fucking low blow,” Taecyeon gritted between his teeth, Junho’s lips curving upwards at the reactions to his constant but still leisure grinding around Taecyeon’s length. “If you say yes,” Junho looked down between their bodies, an eyebrow raised at the hands that had dared stay still instead of pumping him right away. “I could show you what a real low blow is,” he stared into Taecyeon’s eyes as he said that, just before frustrating him—both of them—by moving up and off Taecyeon, away from him.It took a moment for Taecyeon to react. “Why are you—” he still hadn’t fully realized what was happening when Junho started picking up his clothes from the floor and headed to the bathroom. That was all Junho saw of Taecyeon before he locked the door behind him, but instead of getting dressed right away, he leaned against the door and shook his head at himself.He shouldn’t have done that. Not interrupting them, but starting it in the first place. He shouldn’t have let it happen the first time that night, when they had ripped off each other’s clothes as if breathing depended on feeling the skin of one another, the pulse underneath, hearing their own sounds in the otherwise quiet hotel room as their bodies welcomed the touches they had been yearning for.Hotel room. They were in a fucking hotel room again, as if Junho didn’t have a place for Taecyeon to see him already. As if they had to hide their relationship from other people, or from themselves. Junho had come here to try and talk again about something he had wanted, needed for a long time, but he missed that stubborn prick too much not to give in to his other cravings first. Taecyeon knocked at the door. Junho would understand it if he were annoyed, but he sounded worried when he asked, “Babe? Are you alright?” Junho felt half like crying, half like laughing. He bit into his lower lip, shaking his head again. He put on his old pair of jeans and his plain black shirt and took a deep, steadying breath before he opened the door. He decided Taecyeon could take some honesty. “No.”Taecyeon seemed taken aback; his confusion rendered him silent for a while, his eyes searching through Junho’s. He finally nodded, as if bracing himself for what that single word actually meant. He waited.“I wanna be with you, Taec. And when I say that, I don’t mean—this,” he made a broad gesture that encompassed not only the room they were in but every other time they had done something similar, which had been one too many but also not enough since Taecyeon had moved out of the dorm. Junho raked his hands through the reddish hair that Taecyeon had messed up, closing his eyes for a second at that mere thought. “I’m sick of missing you, of feeling like we’re doing something wrong, of spending so little time together it doesn’t even feel like we are together anymore!” he noticed his voice had risen a little and paused, looking to the side. Taecyeon’s eyes were on him, and while Junho appreciated that he was letting him talk, he dreaded that silence. “You know damn well that I can’t stay, that I’ll need to rush back to my place because I have to travel, and I don’t even know when we’ll get to see each other outside 2PM again. Doesn’t that bother you too?”Taecyeon nodded; Junho already knew that, because they had talked about this before. He had tried to convince Taecyeon to move in with him a few times, but it never worked. Still, he went on, because it would keep eating at him otherwise.“I want—” his eyes went to the bed, the disarranged sheets, the blankets he should have pulled over them and then pretended he could sleep right there, on top of Taecyeon. “I wanna wake up next to you and know you’ll be there at the end of the day,” he mumbled, letting out a bitter chuckle. “I know that won’t always be possible, but, you know what I mean,” he sighed. “I don’t want to have to fit you into my schedule like some appointment when I need to just—just look at you, just know you’re there, like when you touch me just before you fall asleep even though you know you should stay awake cause you won’t hear the alarm and—” Junho bit at the corner of his mouth, frustration clouding his features and his thoughts. He didn’t like saying all that out loud; it shouldn’t be necessary for him to sound vulnerable so that he could persuade Taecyeon to accept something that could be good for both of them. But it was the truth. He wanted all that, and more. He wanted Taecyeon completely; wherever, whenever. Junho looked at him, seeing the apprehension in his face, the frustration that they shared even if it was for slightly different reasons. Taecyeon didn’t want them to fight, he didn’t want to see Junho in distress and he didn’t want them to be apart again. But he couldn’t see he was causing all that by refusing to at least give it a try.“I want all that too, Junho,” Taecyeon said, his voice soft, concealing the harshness of what else he had to say. “But we can’t. There’s too much at risk and I know you’ll regret it if anything happens.”“I don’t care,” Junho retorted, his nostrils flaring, eyes narrowed, fingers curling at his sides. He had used that argument on himself before and he had never regretted not listening to it. “We’re always taking risks, Taec. Even when we meet like this, it’s already a risk. When we first started—when I realized what I felt for you, what we were doing... I knew what was at stake. I was so frightened, we were so young and reckless, but we still did it. And we’ve been doing this for five years.”Taecyeon sighed, Junho’s words apparently useless. “But we’ve never lived together, just the two of us. That’s very different and you know it, you do care about your privacy, and I’m not talking just about my presence—it’s what people will say, what they might do. You’re just ignoring that because it’s in the way of what you want. But once people start talking, once rumors become more than mere words and your career is on the line, you’ll see that I’m right about this.”“Why are we—why are you so—you are supposed to be the optimistic one, damn it!” Taecyeon smiled at him, but he looked a little sad. “I am. I try to cherish every second we get to spend together, and right now I wish you’d let me show you that instead of fighting like this.”“But don’t you see I’m fighting because I want us to be together?” Junho was getting infuriated by how calm and collected Taecyeon stayed through it all. It had always been like this; Junho’s hot-tempered impetuosity counterbalanced by Taecyeon’s easygoing attitude, his patience hardly ever breaking no matter how angry Junho got at him. However, at times like this Junho wished Taecyeon could be as passion-driven as he was. “We did fight a lot when we were in the dorm,” Taecyeon said, as if trying to recall those years and see if that was really true.Junho felt like punching him; not like the light banter in those memories, but so that it would hurt. Taecyeon had made it sound like a bad thing, as if their trying to deal with what they felt for each other back then was the same as the fight they were having now, the ones they might still have. “It was never serious. We always got over it. And I’m sure most of the time it was the hormones taking control because we actually wanted to—”Taecyeon smiled again, this time a more genuine expression that unnerved Junho because it was a sign of what he would say next. “So you do admit that now.”“Oh shut it,” Junho shook his head. He wasn’t surprised that Taecyeon would try to make jokes and change the subject, not after all these years, but it still got under his skin. He also knew that was exactly why Taecyeon kept doing it. “I can’t believe you’re trying to talk to me about that.” He took a deep breath, but no matter how much he thought about it, he still felt like this was a fight he had already lost. “Taec…” Junho held his gaze. He ended up not speaking for a while, unsure of what to say, how to say it, if he really should say anything else. “You won’t change your mind… you won’t even think about it?”“I have, I’ve thought about it a lot, and if you really wanna know I even thought about it before you brought it up.”Junho frowned, not sure what to do with that little information, but he wouldn’t dwell on it at that moment. “Yet your answer is always no…” he looked down, teeth worrying at his bottom lip. Junho saw Taecyeon almost take a step forward to reach for him, but he stayed where he was, in the distance between what they wanted and what they were both afraid of. “I can’t keep going like this, Taec. It’s not enough.” He heard the other’s sharp intake of breath, but he wouldn’t look up. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to talk anymore. Contrary to Taecyeon, Junho’s resolution might break, for the words didn’t hold true to his feelings for Taecyeon. They were, however, true to what he wanted from him; for them.“Junho…” Taecyeon finally sounded shaken, but when he lifted one hand to touch him, Junho took a step back.“I’m leaving.” His voice was so low, the words so heavy. Junho was barely able to say it. “You’re free to stay… or…” he shook his head; there was no use voicing the other option when it was obvious Taecyeon wouldn’t change his mind. Junho took a deep breath and looked at Taecyeon, forcing the words out of him. “But I’m not gonna come back to you like this.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
late 2015
Junho liked to have Taec on top of him, to run his hands over the broad back, his fingers digging into the sweaty skin. He could grab at Taecyeon’s ass, pull him in deeper, open himself for Taecyeon to do and take as he pleased. He would kiss Taecyeon’s neck while the other buried his face in Junho’s welcoming shoulder, panting before they started to move again. Or he could just watch in anticipation as Taecyeon stroked his legs, lifting them over his shoulders, one looking at the other through clouded eyes as they got ready to connect in ways that were meant to be felt more than seen.Junho also liked to be lying on his side and have Taecyeon’s body behind him, naked skin getting closer to naked skin, soft touches and lazy movements over the mattress that could soon turn to something else if one of them decided to give in to temptation. It would sometimes remain as just that, a moment of tenderness that Junho cherished as much as the possibilities it entailed... And other times he would be holding onto the edge of the mattress while Taecyeon rammed into him until Junho thought he might fall off the bed, but he would be thrusting back just as hard, and in between pauses to adjust their position Taecyeon would pull Junho flush against him, move in a suddenly, briefly slow pace to allow them a breath or a kiss before they were lost in the peak of orgasm. Junho looked forward to the second, the third time in a row when it happened that they just couldn’t keep their hands off each other. One or both of them would have come out of the shower and Junho would find himself on Taecyeon’s lap, kissing him, teasing him until Taecyeon grabbed at his flesh with intent. Taecyeon knew not to take seriously Junho’s weak attempts at stopping him when he took him back to the bathroom, when he took him in the shower. It was messy and they would laugh while trying to build a pace that was almost impossible to keep on their feet, but they did it. And Junho not so secretly loved it; he liked to look back between their bodies and see where they met. It made up for the fact that he couldn’t touch Taecyeon while he held on to the wall for support, it made the ache in his sore legs worth it. It made him hard, and harder still when the fun became a need for release that had Junho on his knees and Taecyeon in his mouth. That and Taecyeon pressing him against the tiles while stroking him off, while moving his cock in between Junho’s buttocks without moving in, those were among Junho’s favorites.Still, there was something special about waking up next to Taecyeon after they started living together. Those first few days, weeks even, felt like they couldn’t get enough of each other. Maybe it was an unconscious need to be together when they’d had to be apart before, maybe it was just happiness giving fuel to their passion, maybe it was a new kind of start and they were feeling like they did when they were much younger and there were lots of stamina to burn off. Whatever it was, Junho doubted it would change any time soon-- he wanted Taecyeon, his desire only seemed to be increasing, and he loved knowing how much Taecyeon wanted him, too. Waking up in the same bed as him didn’t mean he would have to leave soon without knowing when they would get to be together again, it would never mean cold regret or missing what was supposed to be kept at his reach anymore. He could watch Taecyeon sleep, and bite back a chuckle when he saw Wollie jumping on the bed without Taecyeon knowing of the cat’s presence. He could fall asleep again and find himself in Taecyeon’s arms next time he woke up, or be dragged awake by the smell of breakfast, Taecyeon in the kitchen, the smile Junho knew was there even if he hugged Taecyeon from behind and grumbled something against his back. He could go to bed when Taecyeon still hadn’t arrived home from shooting his drama, and be momentarily awake later on by Taecyeon slipping in beside him, both too tired to say or do anything. It was all great, almost too much like Junho had expected it would be; it was frightening at times, but he couldn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to feel anything other than grateful that they had given each other the chance to be together like this.Waking up next to Taecyeon on hot days meant Junho would have gone to sleep naked, had that been in the aftermath of sex or not. Taecyeon called him a nasty tease but he knew that Junho slept like that when he was not around either, though that was just one more reason for Taecyeon to be turned on, as he himself had clearly shown Junho on occasion. Junho was the one whose desire had come to life now, though, as he realized upon waking, his hips moving over the sheets of their own accord. His eyes barely opened once before he was on his belly, one hand reaching down under his body while the other tugged at a pillow until he could muffle a sound with it.He didn’t have time to feel guilty about the sleepy lover just a foot away from him. He touched himself over the head and rubbed down to the base and was amazed by his own hardness and hoped his gasp wasn’t heard, but he wasn’t disappointed when he noticed Taecyeon had stirred closer, fingers like feathers on his lower back.“Babe?” his voice was low and raspy, the sleepy question that he would make when trying to find out if Junho was awake already.Junho was very much awake, and that one word only made him feel it more; he squeezed at his cock as his legs bent slightly and he bit into the pillow when Taecyeon’s hand settled at the base of his spine, warm and sigh-worthy. He knew Taecyeon would not only not mind what he was doing but also like to know about it, but Junho had vivid images in his head that kept him still for a while. Taecyeon moving closer to nuzzle and kiss at his neck wasn’t going to make it any easier for him. He would feel it if Junho tried to do anything now, but Junho was actually looking forward to the discovery, to what he wanted to ask of his lover.“Babe?” Taecyeon called again, more insistent this time. Junho was usually the first one to wake up, and the sudden lack of movement on his part must have made the other wonder. Junho swallowed, listening to Taecyeon inhale and exhale near his right ear. There was a sharp intake of breath that had Junho biting back a chuckle.“So, you are up,” Taecyeon marveled out loud. Junho had to laugh into the pillow, his shoulders rolling as Taecyeon squeezed hard at one of his buttcheeks. “What have you been doing without me?”Junho finally turned his head to look at Taecyeon, to catch that tinge of jealousy that was not only in his voice but in his eyes as well. Junho returned that stare with a mischievous glint in his own slitted eyes, watching as Taecyeon looked down to see what he was still doing. “I woke up like this,” he said, biting into his lower lip so that a joke wouldn’t come out. He wanted to keep the current mood—Taecyeon’s eyes intent on the hand moving under Junho’s belly, on the hips that moved up as Junho bent his knees, blood rushing into this head—“Fuck, babe,” Taecyeon gasped softly, as if his cock was the one in Junho’s hands, as if the friction could be felt on his skin. Junho loved it when he sounded like that, he loved to have Taecyeon watch him, he loved how Taecyeon moved closer without realizing, how he licked at his lips in anticipation, fingers moving between his thighs like Junho had done to himself earlier. The difference was that Taecyeon was in his boxers, but that was not a problem, either—he barely touched himself over the fabric, emitting a grunt that brought a smile to Junho’s face before Taecyeon moved to sit next to him. He reached for Junho’s right leg and stroked up the hamstring, fingertips teasing at the cleft of his ass while they moved again, stroking down to his knee, pressing into the calf—Junho shivered when Taecyeon tickled at the ankle, his leg twitching before he brought it up, now bent under his belly. “Yeonnie…” Junho was gonna ask him to stop, but he liked it when Taecyeon teased him like this, showering him with soft touches that made it harder for him to hold back. He closed his eyes, rubbing himself faster, his skin prickling with the signs of Taecyeon’s approach. The mattress gave in to his weight, his warmth mixed with Junho’s own and he felt a spark, a shudder that was different from the others, running through his flesh like Taecyeon’s hands would do if he could touch Junho’s body all at once. Junho felt that pulling at his core and he couldn’t stifle the moan that escaped him when he felt he was that close, so fucking close—Taecyeon had just moved behind him, fingers running up the underside of his thighs; he placed a soft kiss on the small of Junho’s back and, even though Junho couldn’t see him, he knew from experience, from the burn in his flesh that Taecyeon was watching his asshole contract, his muscles spasming as he came even before Taecyeon had the chance to touch him there. Junho felt his neck reddening, not to mention his ears; but the pleasure was too intense for him to be embarrassed about it. He felt heavy and warm in all the right places, and he wasn’t moving because he doubted he would be able to. He also didn’t want to break the spell, whatever it was that had gifted him such an intense bliss. He supposed Taecyeon wouldn’t complain, not when he had witnessed all that, even if he hadn’t actively participated.“Well, good morning to you…” Taecyeon sounded both amused and impressed; he still stood on his knees behind Junho, who appreciated the gentle slide of the hands on his back. He nodded and hummed under his breath, enjoying the remnants of his orgasm for a while longer. When he finally rolled onto his back, slowly and leisurely, he made it so that Taecyeon was between his legs again, but facing him now. “Hi,” he said, as if he had just woken up. He kind of felt like that. Taecyeon grinned down at him, pulling him closer by the legs like Junho weighed nothing. “I was gonna ask, y’know…” He looked pointedly at Junho’s spent cock, making him snort. “I guess we can wait till after breakfast…”Junho tilted his head to the side. “Do we have the time for that?”Taecyeon sighed even before he looked at the clock on the bedside table. “Not really...”“Then, help me up…” Junho lifted his hands; Taecyeon held and pulled at his wrists until he was sitting on the bed, just the right range to plant a kiss on Taecyeon’s chest before the other could pout at him. “I wanted to ask you something, Yeonnie…” Taecyeon’s face changed immediately; Junho didn’t often ask for anything. He either did or took them himself, or he demanded them. It wasn’t exactly like that in bed, but after years of being together they both knew what the other liked, so Junho’s words were enough of a hint that had Taecyeon’s cheeks coloring slightly, a sight that never failed to boost Junho’s pride. “Is that why you didn’t wait…?”“I couldn’t,” Junho retorted, ears reddening again as he recollected the sensations that still seemed to linger on him. He moved to imitate Taecyeon’s pose in order to level their gazes, and also because he was not sure he would be able to say what he wanted loud enough. There were some things that made him shy even though he could hardly contain his excitement, and this was one of them. “Taec…” he started, and frowned, and pouted when Taecyeon gave him a tight-lipped grin that said too much. “Don’t,” he warned, but Taecyeon’s charm worked as Junho ended up smiling, a little less tense now. He coughed, and didn’t complain when his left hand was held by Taecyeon’s reassuring one. “I want…” his voice went lower, as did his gaze in spite of his dislike for all that bashfulness. “I want to be inside of you…” he mumbled, brows furrowing during the brief second of silence that followed.“Oh,” Taecyeon squeezed his hand, urging him to look up. Junho saw the surprise that was clearly there, but he could also see through that, into the flicker of wonder and lust that appeared in Taecyeon’s searching gaze. “You really… that’s why… oh, you looked so hot, Junho—” Junho was blushing again, he knew, but there was a smile trying to take hold of his lips and Taecyeon’s sudden kiss on his neck only fueled it. “Wait, Yeonnie, not now—”Taecyeon laughed heartily, sending shivers down Junho’s spine as the warm breath ghosted over his skin. “I know, babe,” but Taecyeon placed yet another kiss, this time on his shoulder, a lingering one that made Junho feel too many things at once. “It’s just, you—” Taecyeon shook his head, devoid of words to express what he was thinking. That only made Junho keep smiling in spite of himself. “I’m not ready, you’ll have to—I have to—y’know…”Junho nodded. There were preparations to be taken. He cleared his throat, entwining his fingers with Taecyeon’s while staring at him. “You really mean that? You’re not just saying that? It’s just,” he let out a laugh that was half nervousness, half wonderment. “You look too excited.”Taecyeon was grinning at him, dimples so well cut into his cheeks Junho wanted to bite them, maybe as a way to rid himself of the tension that was not just sexual. “Why shouldn’t I be, hmm?” Junho rolled his eyes when he heard that dripping tone in Taecyeon’s voice, too familiar with the wiggling eyebrows that accompanied it. “Babe,” The tone didn’t change much, but it dropped to a more serious, compelling note that Junho also knew too well, that still got him all fuzzy inside despite how used he was to it. “I want you. And I want you to do that not only because you want it, but because I also like the idea.”The words had Junho biting into his lower lip for fear his face might split in the middle; Taecyeon was too much. He was not gonna worry about Taecyeon changing his mind later, when they tried to do it for real; what mattered now was his willingness to try it. “I love you,” Junho whispered, looking at him from under his fringe, letting his smile of contentment be mirrored in Taecyeon’s eyes.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
January 2016
“Babe!” Taecyeon shouted from the kitchen, his voice loaded with sudden excitement before Junho heard his footsteps as he came downstairs, too fast and noisy for the pets. Johnny and Wollie left Junho’s feet to look for somewhere else to nap, while Eddie ran to meet his giant daddy and bark around his ankles. Taecyeon grinned at the pup and bent down to rub at the offered belly; momentarily distracted as Eddie tried to paw at his wrist to bite at his hand. Junho watched them from his spot on the living room couch, trying not to look too curious while he waited for Taecyeon to tell him whatever it was that had interrupted him making dinner. Taecyeon must have felt his stare, for he looked up with a soft smile, his eyes crinkling at the edges. Junho’s fingers curled around the small leaflet he had found on the couch earlier, the right top folded on a page about an area in the woods he and Taecyeon were already familiar with. “Oh, you saw it already!” Taecyeon straightened up, his smile wide again as he approached Junho, who was finding it hard not to smile back at him. “So, I know it’s still far from summer and we’ll have a tight schedule once the new tour starts, but I was thinking...”“Good to know you’ve been doing more than just watching girl groups in your spare time,” Junho drawled, his face not betraying his amusement. Taecyeon looked confused for a second before laughing. Junho allowed himself a small smile of satisfaction at the sound. “I know, Yeonnie. It’s too cold to go now, but we can try to schedule a short trip after the tour is over.”Taecyeon looked like it was Christmas again, and Junho had to chuckle as that made him recall the Lonely Okcat Christmas that had happened just a month ago. “So you really wanna go? You’re not gonna go on a rant about how much we always have to walk and how cold it is at night and that there’s no Internet—”“Hey, you also complain about that,” Junho tried to hit at his thigh with the leaflet, but Taecyeon took a step aside just in time. “Don’t make me change my mind,” he lifted an eyebrow as if to make a point. Taecyeon’s face was still beaming even though he tried to look serious now.“That’s the last thing I wanna do,” Taecyeon moved to sit on the couch, missing it as Junho rolled his eyes at that questionable statement. “Is dinner ready?”Taecyeon’s mouth hung open for a second; he had been ready to say something else and Junho knew it. “What’s with you tonight?” But Junho just blinked lazily at him, so Taecyeon shrugged. “Anyway, babe, huh—No, the pork and veggies are in the oven and it’ll still take some time for it to be roasted, I was staring at the clock when I remembered this—” he took the leaflet from Junho’s hands and turned the pages to show him the picture of a clearing in the forest with some cabins in it. “We haven’t gone to this particular spot yet. It’s farther up in the woods, but it seems to be worth it. The thing is, we’d have to book the cottage in advance. Seems it got more popular since last time we went camping there.”“So it’ll be more expensive than usual?”Taecyeon made a dismissive gesture that made Junho snort; usually, Taecyeon would be the one worrying about costs. “It’s worth it. What do you think?”Junho put his elbow on the backrest of the couch and leaned his face on his hand as he looked at Taecyeon. “I don’t know…” “Come on, babe,” Taecyeon pleaded, though he probably knew Junho was just teasing him. It was fun to switch roles like this; Taecyeon got flustered easily when he really wanted something that related to both of them. “You’ll carry all the heavy stuff,” Junho started, biting into his lower lip so that his cat-like smile wouldn’t show. “Of course,” Taecyeon nodded, his eyes sparkling as he tried to read all the signs on Junho’s face.“And you’ll let me take all the pictures I want whenever I feel like it,” Junho added. Despite the fact that he was the one whose mood would turn sour more easily as their hikes dragged on, Taecyeon would sometimes get impatient with the pauses that Junho wanted to take for pictures. Though patient most of the time, Taecyeon could get anxious when he was looking forward to something, and when it came to their trips he’d often prepare some surprise for Junho, who never knew or remembered it until it was revealed. One way or another, they both enjoyed the trips and the beauty of the places they walked through, but that didn’t mean they’d be free of their usual banter and regular spats.“Okay,” Taecyeon nodded, and Junho knew he meant it. His lips curled up as Taecyeon leaned in for a kiss, but Junho held him back when Taecyeon tried to get more than that.“Dinner, Yeonnie,” Junho tsked at the other. “Your hands aren’t getting anywhere near me while they smell like onions and garlic,” he said as he got up, Taecyeon’s laughter of bafflement following him up the stairs. x “So, what are we gonna tell all those reporters?” Junho jumped from his spot in front of the fireplace and went to the nearest window, the one from which he could see the front porch, any and all cars parked—“There’s no one there!” he slapped Taecyeon’s arm before sitting down on top of a huge cushion, its fabric a green as deep as the leaves had been the last time Junho had come to the cottage with Taecyeon, many months ago. Now most leaves were turning faded shades of orange and brown, covering the ground where they walked, adding beauty and new sounds to their daily hiking trips.Taecyeon was laughing as he sat down after adding wood to the fire and moving it about so that it wouldn’t die down any time soon. He put an arm around Junho’s shoulders and gave him a loud kiss on the cheek, his grin wide and merry. “I knew you’d fall for that.”Junho pushed him roughly away so that Taecyeon almost fell off his own large cushion, just to throw those words back at him. Taecyeon wouldn’t stop grinning though, so Junho side-eyed him until he coughed. “Are you still cold?” he asked, to which Junho shook his head, staring at the fire. Taecyeon coughed again. “I was making a joke—”“I know.”“—about that time when—”“I know.”Taecyeon finally stopped talking.Junho inhaled slowly and deeply, lifting his gloved hands towards the fire and smiling briefly when he recalled a time, many years ago, when he had touched Taecyeon’s face like that. They had been out in the snow and Taecyeon didn’t have a scarf, so Junho, as a good dongsaeng, had offered to keep his cheeks warm with his gloved hands. They had been too young back then to see the gesture as anything more than that.“I doubt anyone would ever find out we’re here,” Junho started saying, turning his hands around so that the back of them would also get warm. He knew he was exaggerating with the gloves, but he and Taecyeon had hiked so long that the late autumn afternoon had turned into a chilly evening by the time they were still coming back to the cottage. They hadn’t been wearing enough clothes and the wooden house hadn’t offered them the warmth they needed until Taecyeon decided to use the brick fireplace. It was also a good excuse to eat the marshmallows they had brought along. “That’s why we usually choose a place like this, after all. I’d prefer the beach, you’d prefer the city, but neither of those offer the privacy we want. This way, we’re both in a place we like. And it’s quiet. And, y’know, beautiful.” He shrugged, as if he hadn’t fallen in love with the cottage and the stream nearby and the animals they could hear or see at times. Somehow, they always ended up booking the same place. Taecyeon was nodding next to him. “That’s why I bought it.”“You what?”Taecyeon chuckled, but he was not joking. Junho recognized the crinkles around his eyes as those of pride and joy, the gentle curve to his lips more sincere than usual. Junho slapped his arm again. “You’re serious!”“I think I’m more like James…”“Don’t start that now—” Junho had to laugh though, that one Harry Potter joke never failing to amuse him. “When did you—why didn’t you tell me!” he hit Taecyeon’s arm once again, and this time Taecyeon hit him back, though more lightly and playfully. “Why do you have to be so violent when you’re excited, Lee Junho,” he gritted between his teeth, the fake anger in his voice and face making Junho laugh again. He was aware of his own wide, persistent smile as he looked at Taecyeon, who barely had time to prepare before Junho jumped at him, tumbling them to the floor. “I’ll show you violent,” Junho said, grabbing at Taecyeon’s shoulders through his sweater, rolling them around the floor while Taecyeon screamed in a high-pitched voice that he wouldn’t dare use if they had been in the apartment. Well, maybe except for the soundproof room where Junho used to compose his own songs, a space which they now shared for that.Junho stopped only because they had bounced against one of the living room walls, that is, Taecyeon hit his back against it, but he used that to his advantage. He forced Junho down on his back and took hold of his wrists, pinning his arms near his face. “So violent,” he mocked, wiggling his eyebrows when Junho tried and failed to break free. “I don’t wanna hurt you where I could hurt you right now,” Junho said, and they both laughed at that. “Of course you don’t.” Taecyeon leaned down to kiss him, pausing as if to make sure that Junho wouldn’t try to hit him with his head or anything. Junho chuckled at his own thoughts just as Taecyeon was about to take his lips, so they both felt each other’s smiles through the kiss. Taecyeon moved back to look down at him, and Junho had to bite at his lower lip while that gaze held him down, those handsome features going through slow changes that were all because of him. He could break the atmosphere by reminding Taecyeon about the marshmallows, or he could uncurl his fists in a sign of surrender, and he chose to do the latter. He was happy. And when Junho was happy, he found it hard to play hard. ...“So, what are we gonna tell the reporters?” Junho asked Taecyeon later, when they were sitting by the fire again, a blanket wrapped around each of them while they ate marshmallows. “If they ever notice anything…” Taecyeon trailed off in thought. “We can just say you were too lonely and I was the only one still living with my parents.”Junho tried to kick him, but he was too focused on the marshmallow he held above the fire with his left hand while the other kept the blanket in place to aim right. “We can say we miss dorm life. That it’s more practical. That your place is huge. That Eddie needed company and we had this crazy idea about introducing him to your Not So Friendly Cats.”“Just wait till I’m done cooking this,” Junho threatened, but he ended up letting out a snort. “The truth is… I don’t know.” Taecyeon sighed, and he went quiet again.Junho bit into a chunk of marshmallow that was all warm and sticky and also larger than he had intended and his lips were smeared, so Taecyeon was quick to kiss them clean. “Thanks,” Junho said, amused by that. Taecyeon was still looking intently at him, so he waited instead of taking another bite. “I guess now I understand what you meant—about not caring.” He paused, his eyes never leaving Junho’s. “Being with you is more important.” Another pause, and by now Junho was not sure he should even keep holding that marshmallow stick. “And…I think you know this already but I really—I’m really happy, living with you. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve made, but it’s only because of you that I even—”“Keep talking,” Junho said, his arms now around Taecyeon, his half-eaten marshmallow having been carefully placed next to the uncooked ones. He heard Taecyeon’s breath coming out as a quiet chuckle, but he also felt Taecyeon’s beating heart. Junho rested his head on Taecyeon’s shoulder while the other fixed the blanket around both of them, now that Junho had chosen Taecyeon’s lap as his own place to sit, in those arms that wound around him to pull him even closer, keeping him warm and safe. “I love you,” Taecyeon strengthened his hold on him as he said that. “I’m never letting you go again. And if you do, I’ll come after you right away.”Junho smiled at the words, even if he knew those to be the kind of promise that couldn’t always be kept. He clung to Taecyeon and nuzzled at his neck, kissing him under the jawline, breathing him in. It had been a couple of months since Taecyeon finally moved in with him, but what had been a similarly long period before that had dragged on painfully while they were not together. Junho still found himself delighted every time he got home and Taecyeon was there, or when he was the one to welcome Taecyeon home. Even though he found it harder now to be away from him, the weight of their tightened relationship was worth more than anything else. “Babe?” Junho was already having difficulty letting his voice out; when Taecyeon called him that way, with all the tenderness and intimacy that word carried, he was weakened. He blinked a few times, mentally calling himself a fool for getting sensitive when he couldn’t hide it from Taecyeon now. His breathing sounded a little shaken, but he bit into his lower lip and willed himself to look up and stare at Taecyeon. “I love you so much,” he said, brushing at Taecyeon’s hair while they looked at each other. Taecyeon kissed him softly, his grip on him never loosening up, his silent eyes speaking volumes. That lasted only until Taecyeon felt like he had to try and make him laugh again. “I love you, you love me,” he singsang, grinning when Junho smacked his shoulder even though he was laughing, though no sound came out.“You idiot.” He looked down for a second, lips still curving up, grateful that Taecyeon knew how to get him back to normal. “Did you really buy this place?” he asked, looking up again when Taecyeon nodded at him, his dimples showing at the wonder in Junho’s voice. “You’re unbelievable.”“That’s what I strive to be.”Junho decided that he could just roll his eyes and not hit him for the smugness in that charming smile. “How did you manage to do that, though? I mean, I thought it wasn’t possible to even buy this place. They do get a lot of money just renting it on the high season.”“I was persistent. And I made a really nice offer,” Taecyeon said. Of course. “And there were a lot of rules on the contract. For instance, we can’t cut down any trees or pollute the water and we have to keep the area clean and take good care of the house.”“So that means we gotta come here more often.” Junho couldn’t hide the hopefulness behind his words. Despite his preference for the beach, he did like being here with Taecyeon. There were no distractions, no work to worry about, and the only way people could reach them was when they went to the nearest town so that their phones would work. That had been a complaint on Taecyeon’s part at the beginning, being the geek that he was; but that had only lasted until he realized how much of each other’s company they could enjoy while they were there.“It also means that the pet ban has been lifted.”Junho opened his mouth to say something nice about that, but he ended up frowning. “I’m not sure I would want to bring Johnny or Wollie here. I mean, it’s not like I can put them on a leash, they’d hate that. And I’d hate it even more if they got scared and somehow got lost in the woods.”Taecyeon sighed, but he didn’t seem surprised. “I’d still like to bring Eddie along. He’s a good boy, and he learns fast.”Junho tilted his head to the side. “That’s up for discussion. Don’t think that just because you got Eddie first I wouldn’t wanna protect him from your questionable ideas.”Taecyeon only grinned at him. “I love it when you get all fierce about your babies.”“I hope for your own wellbeing that you’re not mocking me.”“I’d never.”Junho huffed. “Okay, enough of this. I wanna eat more marshmallows.”“Yes, Your Majesty.” “Taecyeon, you—”Taecyeon interrupted him with a brief kiss before finally loosening his hold so that Junho could get up and go back to his own cushion. And just as suddenly, Junho didn’t feel so much like he wanted to do that anymore, but he still went. He could always come back to Taecyeon, and they’d go upstairs later, and Junho would ensure the other’s warmth never left him.
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The Caribbean, 1700s
She had dark smudges around her eyes, sunkissed skin that gleamed with sprinkles of seawater, thick curls of long, pitch black hair threatening to fall from under ragged cloth that roughly covered most of it. Golden, the fabric had once been, but it had turned a faded shade of what wasn’t yellow or brown but stained with dirt. She was all dirty, from her fingernails to her sweaty neck to the words that came out of her mouth as she caught one sailor trying to get handsy with one of her sailor women. She had threatened to kill whoever broke the rules and she did just that, no second chances, her hand knife swift and deadly. It all happened so fast, the once Captain of the Traíra barely had time to intervene. Truydes sighed as the sailor was thrown off board like some sack of rotten potatoes. Not that he would mind having some potatoes now, rotten and all, as long as it was some food other than the scarce bits of raw fish and bread crumbs that Jerónima allowed Truydes and his men once a day. At least they were still surviving, the ones that hadn’t gotten killed since those cunts had taken his ship overnight. “You don’t control your dicks, you die,” Jerónima had declared after the sailors had been tied up, only a few of them remaining free to move around the deck, but only to help sailing.
Truydes almost felt like inconspicuously persuading his men to purposely sink the ship, but this was still his ship, and he was sure he would eventually manage to get it back.If only he could come up with a plan. Preferably one that didn’t involve ripping off Jerónima’s clothes to find out if the rest of her body was really that dirty, or if it was her moves that would make her so. Her every action seemed to aim at contradicting the holiness one would expect from somebody with such a name. She was the very opposite of everything the Captain had ever learned to like, but try as he might he couldn’t stop thinking about her.
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Summer 2016
Taecyeon was putting on his kitchen apron when Junho emerged from the stairs, his hair slightly damp from the shower he had taken right after arriving home. He hadn’t meant to wake up Taecyeon, but Eddie kept barking while Junho was still unlocking the door. The dog never got used to Junho’s late night arrivals, or else he was just happy to see him. Junho had tried to shush him, but Eddie followed him to the bedroom and jumped on the bed before he could close the door. Taecyeon might have still gone on sleeping if Eddie hadn’t decided his face could work as a pillow.“You didn’t need to get up,” Junho said as he hugged Taecyeon from behind and rested his head on his lover’s back. He would have joined Taecyeon in bed after showering, but he was hungry. He smiled when he spotted Johnny coming up the stairs to find a spot near the counter where he lied down. Eddie was already there, a couple of meters away from the cat. Junho supposed Wollie would have taken his place on the bed now, since he hadn’t closed the door.“I went to bed early.” Taecyeon took a step towards the sink and Junho let go of him. He followed Taecyeon and watched as he washed his hands before reaching for utensils in one cupboard and ingredients in another. “You look happy,” Taecyeon said as he placed a kiss on his cheek, and Junho blinked at him, the corners of his mouth lifting up.Practice had been worth it that day. As his fourth Japanese tour got nearer, Junho felt more anxious about the performance he wanted to show, and that usually made him tense throughout the day, so that when he arrived home he would be too tired to do anything other than sleep. But he felt energized now, still excited after he finally got the choreographies to flow the way he wanted. Namyoung had helped him polish some moves and after that Junho had stayed in the studio until the dance for Hyper was engraved in his body. “What are you making? Do you need help?” Taecyeon smiled as he shook his head at him. He had just started mixing ingredients in a small saucepan, too common for Junho to figure out what he was preparing. He soon noticed there was something different about the method though; there was just water, sugar, salt and oil that were boiled before Taecyeon started adding flour to it. Junho frowned in mild curiosity before he was distracted by Taecyeon’s face, the expression of contentment there while he cooked. Junho couldn’t shake off the pull to his own lips, which kept curving up whenever they had these moments in the kitchen. He was reminded of old days in the dorm, of a younger, tank-top-and-sweats-clad Taecyeon making some early as hell breakfast for all of them while chaos broke in between fights for the shower and misplaced clothes and whose turn it was to wake up a much snarkier version of Wooyoung. Being the maknae, it was usually Chansung who did that, when he was not sleeping heavily himself. “Babe,” the older, more handsome and all his own Taecyeon drew him back to the present, to his fluffy hair and eyes that looked too amused behind his pair of old glasses. He had forgotten the new ones at the cottage, and when Junho asked why he hadn’t gotten new ones yet he said he had his lenses anyway. He usually wore glasses when he was at home though, especially when he had just got out of bed. “Could you get me the pastry bag that’s in the door to your left? I forgot to get that.” Junho nodded, glad that he could be of use. Taecyeon was stirring flour into the mixture he had heated in the saucepan, dough clinging to his fingers while he worked it into a firmer shape. “And put some paper towel on a plate while you’re at it,” Taecyeon added, sounding like he already expected Junho’s teasing remark,“You’re a terrible chef when you’re sleepy.”Trying to get under each other’s skin was never off the table for either of them. “If I was not busy right now,” Taecyeon started, but the sentence wasn’t finished, for he had to ask Junho to get the deep skillet and heat the frying oil there.Junho had been done with his small tasks when Taecyeon put the dough into the pastry bag. The latter piped strips of dough into the hot oil, and that was when Junho realized what he was making. He must have made some excited noise without realizing, for Taecyeon chuckled under his breath before he moved to take care of the strips until they were golden.“Churros!!!” Junho exclaimed while he brought the plate with sugar and cinnamon that Taecyeon had prepared in advance closer to the draining rolls of heaven that he didn’t even know his lover could make. He put one of them into the sugar and cinnamon mixture, rolled it till it was completely covered and took a bite that had him humming while chewing. “Why,” he grumbled before he bit into it again, and it was over too soon, “why didn’t you make these before,” he was frowning while he stared at the pile of churros that Taecyeon was making, wondering how many of them he could eat before passing out or feeling guilty because he was under weight watch for the tour. “You’re evil,” he pouted, at Taecyeon and at the rolls before making himself another one.“You’re welcome,” Taecyeon’s tone was of a fake sarcasm that didn’t match the smile of contentment letting Junho see his dimples. He loved making food that Junho liked and Junho knew Taecyeon felt proud when he got it right.“You should eat some too,” Junho said, so that he wouldn’t feel like eating the whole pile by himself. He was sure that would only make Taecyeon look even more satisfied.Taecyeon was too busy watching him eat, though. “It’s a pity we don’t have any dulce de leche at home.”Junho stopped sucking at his sugar-and-cinnamon-covered fingertips when he heard that. “And you call me nasty,” he made a face before he went for his third serving of the treat.“You’re the one whose mind is in the gutter. I didn’t say anything,” Taecyeon tried to sound innocent, but his face betrayed his diversion once more. “Yeonnie,” Junho started saying before he could stop himself, “if you make these for me again I might have to thank you properly.”Taecyeon couldn’t see his face since Junho had his back to him while pretending to take some extra time just to cover the fried dough with the sweet mixture, so Junho bit into his lip to refrain from laughing even though his ears were burning. He took a deep breath and decided this would be his last piece for now; he could eat the others later, maybe after a late lunch because he would need to sleep even if he didn’t feel like it. There was still some dough in the pastry bag that could be fried into fresh churros in case he wanted some hot ones. He felt Taecyeon approaching him even before the skin on his neck reacted to the ghost of air under his ear, “You can still thank me later,” Taecyeon placed a kiss on his jugular after touching his waist, warmth spreading through Junho as his lover embraced him. “I’m gonna take Eddie for a walk. You should rest, babe.”Junho held Taecyeon’s arm around him, leaning into his chest quietly while he ate what would really be his last piece of Churros that morning. Now he had a reason to go to bed, though he doubted he would sleep while waiting for Taecyeon to come back home and fulfill what didn’t need to be put into words between them. “When did you even learn to make these?” Junho asked, after he was finished eating.“If I tell you all my secrets, you might just leave me,” and Taecyeon winked at him, but Junho--Junho had a fleeting, bitter thought that he might have actual reasons to leave Taecyeon if he didn’t tell him about secret writings on secret notebooks kept in a secret drawer. But he immediately repented and he didn’t understand either the anger he felt at first or the sadness that replaced that, nor the numbness in his hands that seemed to be so warm just a moment ago. When Taecyeon touched him and asked if he was alright, though, a jolt ran through him and Junho gasped, blurry images of dreams jumbled up in his head while his eyes tried to focus on Taecyeon. x Junho pretended he didn’t feel Taecyeon’s eyes on him as he worked on the three small piles of different mushrooms on the large wooden table, his neck going red already. They were making Budae Jiggae for lunch, Junho’s favorite stew, and Junho had offered to prepare the ingredients for Taecyeon to cook. This was the part he enjoyed doing, something he could help on without ruining the recipe. There were things he could cook well and he had prepared this particular dish for himself a number of times, but he still preferred it when Taecyeon made it. His sauce always tasted better, and something about the time he used to cook each and all the ingredients brought it to just the right flavor. So, that morning, when they talked about what to make for lunch while looking at the trees surrounding their cottage, Junho had suggested Budae Jiggae. He had seen the large shallow pot in the cabinet under the sink while they put away the groceries bought at the nearest town and he had suddenly craved it despite the fact that it was summer. They had most of the ingredients to make it work. Taecyeon had accepted the suggestion right away; he always liked cooking things for Junho, especially when he got to watch him eat them. Junho organized the enoki slices next to the shiitake sliced caps, and moved on to the king oyster mushrooms, which were also sliced carefully. The plate he had gotten for that was almost full, so he turned around to wash his hands on the sink, and almost bumped into Taecyeon, who had been leaning against the counter while looking at him. “Move,” Junho said, a frown appearing on his face since Taecyeon was blocking his way.Taecyeon took a step aside, still watching him while Junho washed and dried his hands. He got a smaller plate for the sausages and canned meat, and another for the green onions and the tofu. He cut everything into the right size from memory.“Do you want anything else besides rice?” Taecyeon asked, sounding too close. The hairs at Junho’s nape stood up and he bit at his lower lip; he was trying really hard not to wonder about that lingering look and constant closeness, but Taecyeon was also working hard on getting his attention. Junho shook his head; when he had this stew he usually preferred to taste just the mix of flavors from the original ingredients and nothing else. Besides, they were already making enough food that could be left over for dinner, although it was also true that Taecyeon usually ate for two. His large presence behind Junho made that obvious. “So I’ll start working on the sauce. The rice cakes will be ready by the time that’s done.”Junho nodded. They had bought frozen rice cakes; Taecyeon had soaked them in cold water and Junho would slice them later. Now it was his turn to wait, though Taecyeon could have just made the sauce while Junho worked on the other ingredients. The rice alone was too easy for him.Junho pursed his lips. He contemplated his options; he could continue to ignore how aware he was of Taecyeon’s wandering gaze, in which case his own frown might deepen into a scowl whose future lines he wouldn’t like to see on his face. He immediately smoothed his features into a clear expression, deciding that he could give in and be the first one to talk.“Taec,” Junho fought the sudden urge to touch the other’s arm; it was not like Taecyeon wasn’t already focused on him. But Taecyeon was also cooking, and Junho felt slightly annoyed that the dish might get ruined if the other didn’t pay it the necessary attention. “You’re…” Junho trailed off, unsure of how to put this. He didn’t want to sound like he was complaining, because he actually appreciated it when Taecyeon looked at him like that, but there was something else there, between them, that made him hesitate. “There’s something you wanna tell me,” he said it as the thought came to him. Taecyeon had just whisked the chili flakes, rice wine, soy sauce, minced garlic, sugar and chili paste into a dark mixture in a small bowl. One of the details that made his method a little different was that he reserved the black pepper for later, to grind it fresh over the stew once it was all cooked instead of mixing it with the sauce first. “I woke up last night,” Taecyeon started to say when Junho was about to press him for an answer. He had grown uncannily silent as he placed the ingredients Junho had prepared in the shallow pot, all except for the green onion. He poured chicken stock and closed the lid. That would take some minutes before Taecyeon had to add the remaining ingredients, so he turned to Junho, whose frown had returned unannounced. Taecyeon’s own brows furrowed when he saw that, and he reached for Junho, whose arms had also crossed of their own accord but loosened up under Taecyeon’s touch. “You didn’t sleep well,” Taecyeon said softly, which could either be a comment about how tense Junho was or just a follow-up to his earlier remark. “I think you had a bad dream,” Taecyeon continued, his hands sliding around Junho’s wrists, fingertips prodding into Junho’s palms, gentle thumbs rubbing down to pale knuckles. Junho knew what he was trying to do. He looked down at their joined hands so that Taecyeon wouldn’t keep searching into his eyes; his throat bobbed and he licked at his dried lips. He didn’t want to talk about that dream; not while he didn’t know what to make of it himself. However, he couldn’t shake the bad feeling that came with it or the unwanted questions that arose as it repeated, following him even to what he considered their—his and Taecyeon’s—quiet place, away from everything and everyone. “I’m sorry I woke you up,” he said instead, squeezing Taecyeon’s hands once. He did feel sorry, but more because he knew Taecyeon wouldn’t like not knowing more about it. Junho also knew how this could go; Taecyeon would say he was worried and wanted to help. But Taecyeon also knew him enough not to press it. Yet. The fact that Junho had apologized for something he couldn’t control was already telling. Taecyeon pulled him closer, and Junho felt it as the other smelled at his hair much like he would do when they were in bed, about to fall asleep. “We should go for a walk later,” Taecyeon said, and Junho breathed a snort against his chest. “Sure,” he agreed in a mocking tone, his hands feeling at Taecyeon’s back while the latter kept stroking at his arms that were wound around Taecyeon’s middle. “If we don’t fall asleep right after lunch.”“Later could be after…that, maybe,” Taecyeon said, his voice light and teasing.Junho chuckled. “I almost thought you were gonna say something else.”“There’s always room for something else.”Junho couldn’t argue with that, his ears reddening as Taecyeon’s hands wandered lower. “There won’t be anything else if you overcook this stew though,” he threatened, unwrapping himself from Taecyeon’s body and pushing him gently towards the stove again.
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early fall, 2016
Junho pretended to be interested in the morning newspaper as he slipped through the pages on the tablet that Taecyeon had gotten for signing up to the online version. Threats of another bombing from their once other half of the country, a supposed scandal behind the scenes of the latest American election, advertisements from the local supermarket and stores alike. His mind didn’t stick to anything; he barely got past the headlines as he waited for Taecyeon to get up, no lenses in, glasses on the drawer next to his side of the bed, the early morning sleepiness making him a little slower than usual. Junho felt the smile taking hold of his lips while he pictured his lover entering the bathroom, white tank top clinging to his wide back, arms exposed and muscles moving as he brushed his teeth before looking for his shaving cream and blade. He would find one but not the other, and then—“Babe?” Taecyeon’s voice called from their bedroom, and Junho was glad he had decided to stay in the living room instead of going upstairs to try and make some breakfast. He got to see Taecyeon’s face covered with shaving cream before he washed it off, something that Junho himself intended to help him with. He wished he could take a picture, but he committed the sight to memory and kept his amusement concealed as he got up and approached his lover, leaving the tablet on the shelf opposite the couch.“Yes, Yeonnie?” he answered, that one word making Taecyeon grin at him. Junho longed to touch his tousled hair, his collarbone, his biceps—but he would, soon enough. Taecyeon must still be too sleepy to notice his appreciative stare, for he didn’t comment on that, something he certainly would have done otherwise.“Did we run out of razorblades? I used one a few days ago and I thought I didn’t throw it away cause it was new…” Taecyeon looked unsure, his thick eyebrows almost united as he tried to remember if he had thrown the razorblade in the trash by accident. Junho had to smile at how cute he looked right then except for the near unibrows, but that just added to how funny he still looked, shaving cream covering his jaw, his chin and the area right above his lips. It was usually just the latter two that he shaved, but he hadn’t done that in three days—Junho had been counting—so he had probably decided to cover everything just to be safe.And Junho had hidden all the razorblades in the house too, just to be safe. He had also booked their pets’ appointment for that morning, so there would be no disturbances, no interruptions, nothing to worry about. Just the two of them.“I don’t know, Yeonnie. Maybe you took it with you when we went to (name of place) and you left it there?”“But I always keep a spare one in my traveling bag… Unless I had to change it…” He sighed, closing his eyes for a second, and when he opened them he looked even sleepier than before. It was all Junho could do not to touch him right then, but he held his ground, knowing it would be worth it to wait just a little longer.“Well, we don’t have any schedules until later today. We could have lunch out later and then we buy some new ones, what do you say?” Taecyeon’s eyes widened a little and he smiled again, his attention now to Junho’s unexpected suggestion. Good. He should stop thinking about shaving at all that day. “Sounds great, babe. We could pick your babies and Eddie on the way back.”“Our babies,” Junho corrected him, sending him a pointed look. “And that already includes Eddie.”Taecyeon laughed, but he looked pleased. “Okay, I won’t argue with you. Now excuse me, babe, I have to wash this off so I can make us breakfast.” He leaned forward as if he was going to give Junho a peck on the lips, but remembered his own words and the fact that he had shaving cream that Junho most definitely didn’t want to be in the way when they finally did kiss, and so he turned to go back into the bathroom after shaking his head at himself.Junho chuckled softly, following him inside. The fact that Taecyeon felt it was necessary to give him a parting kiss even though they would be apart for just a few seconds made him feel special, loved, desired, and he was keen on testing the latter soon. He followed Taecyeon inside and watched as Taecyeon threw water on his face, fingers getting covered with shaving cream that would not come off as easy as if it were with the razorblade. “Here, let me help you with that,” Junho said, and Taecyeon stood straight while Junho proceeded to make not only his face but his neck and chest wet, too.“Hey!” Taecyeon protested, a little more alert now that the cold water was dripping down his skin, creating damp spots in the tank top. “You’re not helping--”“Yes, I am,” Junho’s smile was full of mischief as he threw more water on Taecyeon’s chest, who tried to look outraged but laughed instead.“You little devil,” Taecyeon said, fetching the towel that hung next to the sink to wipe at his face and clean the remains of shaving cream that still clung to it. When Junho just laughed at being called that, Taecyeon hit him with the towel, but Junho held onto the cloth and pulled at it, bringing them closer together. He knew Taecyeon’s reflexes would be compromised by his lingering sleepiness, though he also knew that would dissipate as soon as he made his intentions clear. And he was about to do that.“We can’t have you wearing that,” Junho said, unashamed of his own delighted giggle as he let go of the towel to pull at Taecyeon’s tank top. He took a deep inhale as his knuckles brushed over the warm skin under Taecyeon’s belly, the muscles contracting under his touch. “It’s all wet and you might get sick,” Junho added, aware that it was just a few blotches here and there, but he wouldn’t worry about semantics now. Taecyeon’s gaze was on his face while Junho’s own followed the shirt’s way up; Taecyeon let him take it off, helped him throw it on the floor together with the towel, pinned him with a stare that was full of knowing.“You planned all this,” Taecyeon whispered, his voice loaded with awe and appreciation, the awakening desire that Junho so wanted now there in his voice, in his eyes, in the hands that reached for Junho as if of their own accord. Junho didn’t answer, he didn’t need to deny or confirm it; but what he needed was to get closer to Taecyeon, to feel at the still warm skin of his nape, fingers raking through his hair, Junho’s free hand going up one of the arms that wound around his middle—he needed to feel Taecyeon around him, on him, right under his fingertips.The thrill never faded, the electric buzz wouldn’t subside; the intensity always remained. It all seemed to pick up where they left off; it escalated, it took them on its own ride whenever they got close like this. Taecyeon’s lips brushed near Junho’s earlobe, too far from his own lips, but Junho was already sighing, clinging to Taecyeon’s arm and leaning into him as prompted by the firm push at the base of his spine. A trail of light kisses just under his jawline had Junho tilting his head back, his neck all for Taecyeon, who took the chance to nib gently at a spot just above his chest before doing something similar to his chin, though not as softly this time.“Taecyeonnie,” Junho called, pulling at his hair, a demand for his mouth to meet Junho’s as they finally kissed, and they kissed like they were hungry for nothing other than each other. Junho loved this raw, pure feeling; how he didn’t have to control it, how he could just thrive on it and trust Taecyeon completely… He could see and feel how Taecyeon enjoyed it when he let go, be it through little schemes like this or in moments of spontaneity. Either way would work to make Taecyeon himself loosen up till they became a pile of limbs intertwining, sweat mingling, flesh marked, skin reddened, breath coming in gasps and mumbled names and—“Babe,” Taecyeon’s voice sounded both distant and urgent before their lips met again, and Junho finally did what he wanted the most—his teeth pulled at Taecyeon’s upper lip, slowly and softly, raking over the roughened skin as they slid back and let go. It was not a proper bite, it was just his teeth feeling at the stubble, but he did bite at his own lips then, tongue feeling at his teeth as his lips parted and he stared at Taecyeon, whose breathing was labored, whose gaze mirrored the fog of lust in Junho’s own eyes.They kissed until Junho couldn’t breathe, or maybe all he needed was just to breathe through Taecyeon. He liked the lingering smell of the shaving cream; he actually liked it when Taecyeon’s skin was smooth from the blade too, but sometimes he just wanted this, this—roughness, how different it was to kiss and be kissed when one of them hadn’t shaved. He knew his own skin would feel funny later, slightly bruised to the touch but in a way that wouldn’t be visible. He knew his mouth and the area around it would be reddening right now, and he knew that Taecyeon would appreciate the sight; he always liked to see the aftereffects on Junho’s body. Taecyeon’s own lips would be swollen, and Junho would make sure to actually bite him later, not just there, but—“Damn clothes,” Junho grumbled as he took his shirt off; he had wanted to wait for Taecyeon in nothing but a bathing robe earlier, but he’d had to take the pets out, so that part of the plan had been changed. It didn’t matter though, not right now; Taecyeon was helping him take off the rest, and when Junho returned the favor they were finally able to touch one another with all the freedom and want they had.
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October, 2016
Junho was still trying to calm down when Taecyeon got home. He stopped pacing when he heard the front door open, his breathing still somewhat erratic while he waited until Taecyeon had taken off his shoes to put on a pair of flipflops, his thick jacket hanging from his left arm as he finally appeared in the hall that led to where Junho was, standing in front of the couch. “Hi,” Taecyeon greeted, stopping a couple of steps away from Junho. It was all wrong, from the greeting to the distance to the look of worry on Taecyeon’s face, the tension in Junho’s whole body, the images from recurring nightmares making his eyes burn. “When were you gonna tell me?” Junho asked, his voice low but the disappointment and dread still there. Taecyeon frowned, opening his lips as if to ask him to repeat that question, but he had gotten Junho’s message earlier. The link to a news report. 2PM’s Taecyeon to start his active military service at the end of the year. Junho hadn’t been able to write more than that and he hadn’t even checked if Taecyeon had answered, he had just been waiting for him to get home.“Tell you? But you knew about this already,” Taecyeon threw his jacket on the couch before sitting on it, motioning for Junho to join him. When Junho shook his head, he clicked his tongue. “Come on, babe, I know you’ve been really tired lately, but don’t take that out on me--”“Take it out on you?” Junho scoffed. He turned away from Taecyeon and wiped at his burning eyes. He wasn’t crying, but he was exhausted, drained from his lack of sleep, a growing fear that wouldn’t leave him, something he didn’t understand but couldn’t let go of anyway. “I’m worried about you! I don’t understand why you want to do field service when you don’t need that.”“Junho, we’ve talked about this before--”“No, we haven’t.” Junho turned to look at him again, annoyed that Taecyeon would consider something from many years ago as counting for what was happening right now. “You made this decision by yourself. You never asked what I thought about it.”When Taecyeon got up, Junho almost took a step back, but he stood where he was and just stared as Taecyeon came close enough to touch his shoulders. “Junho,” he pleaded, gently asking him to relax, as if that was even possible. “I didn’t think you’d react this way.”“Bullshit. You didn’t talk to me about this because you knew I wouldn’t agree with it.”He watched as Taecyeon swallowed any other excuses he might have, breathing in and sighing with the weight of the truth hanging between them. “Okay. You’re right, I knew you didn’t like this idea because you told me it was stupid to retake the test, but you knew I did it. You knew why I did those surgeries years ago, so that I would be fit to pass.”Junho huffed. “But that was years ago, Taec. Our situation is very different now. We’re living together! Do you know how often we’ll get to see each other while you’re on active duty?” Taecyeon opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Junho had just made him realize something he probably hadn’t considered yet, and the possibility that Taecyeon hadn’t even thought about it only made Junho’s frustration more difficult to conceal. “That’s right. We won’t. For two years.” He shook his head, his voice leaving him as he heard himself say that.Taecyeon just looked at him, the hands on Junho’s shoulder becoming unsure, the touch fading from Junho’s skin. But Taecyeon shook his head at himself and reached for the hands that Junho had turned to fists, and Junho didn’t fight him off only because he might break if he tried to. It was hard, being mad at the one he loved while still wanting desperately for him to stay close. “This affects both of us,” he said, gripping at the fingers that had reached for his own. “I don’t want you to do it. I don’t want you to go.” He bit at his lower lip, thoughts that he didn’t want to put into words now getting stuck in his throat. He was afraid of what would happen while Taecyeon was away.Taecyeon moved closer, his gaze intent on Junho’s. “I know, babe. I’m sorry.”“You’re not sorry--”“I am, damn it, let me finish it!” Despite his voiced distress, Taecyeon remained mostly calm, his grip on Junho’s hands still light, supposed to be reassuring. “I’m sorry that it’s something I want to do but that you don’t want me to.” He paused, determination taking over his features. “But I’m doing it anyway because I believe it’s the right thing to do.”“It’s not,” Junho said before he could stop himself. “It’s not right! You’ll be in danger but you didn’t even have to join the army in the first place! You chose to!”“Yes, Junho, I did, but hear me out. They might need me there. I’d hate myself for not doing something when I got the chance.”“They have other people...” Junho let go of his hands and immediately regretted it. “I only have you.”“Junho--” “What if something happens to you? Did you think about that? What if you don’t come back?”Taecyeon just stared at him, struck by those questions, the sorrow that Junho knew was there in his eyes because he was feeling it. When Taecyeon pulled him into his arms, Junho let him, seconds passing until he wound his arms around Taecyeon’s middle. “I will come back, Junho. I always do.”Junho shook his head slowly. “You can’t promise that.” Taecyeon gripped harder at his back. “Why are you so...” He trailed off, loosening his hold so that he could stroke up and down again. Junho was touched but not soothed as he did that. “You sound like you’re sure that something bad will happen.”Junho almost told him about the dreams at that moment. He didn’t want to believe them and he wouldn’t dare say it out loud because he was terrified that it might be true, so he kept quiet about it. Taecyeon might think he was being unreasonable and uncanny in his apprehension, but the only reason Junho had to justify all that couldn’t be used as an argument. “I just don’t want you to go,” he said instead, aware that it sounded weak and selfish. He didn’t mind being all that and worse if it meant that Taecyeon would still be there, though. Taecyeon took a deep breath, hands running through Junho’s hair as they went silent. “Isn’t this our first fight since I moved in,” he tried to joke after a while. Junho didn’t answer. He might turn this into a real fight if Taecyeon tried to make it seem like a small thing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
November 2016
When he woke up, he felt breathless, as though he had been running. He gasped for air; as he sat up in bed, the covers pooled easily around him. His head felt heavy; he suddenly felt like the air around him was wrong. Hadn’t he been breathing in fresh, humid air in the chilly outdoors just a second ago?Junho closed his eyes, leaning forward to support his head in his hands as his elbows rested on his bent knees. He just breathed, just breathed until he felt like he could look to the side and not break at the emptiness that was there.He knew what he would see. In his dreams, that side of the bed was always empty. That explained why it was so cold; he had gotten too used to Taecyeon turning on the heather once they got home, but--No, that didn’t make sense. He had been in the cottage and there was no heather there, just a really useful fireplace. But why would he be there now if he was in the middle of preparing for his upcoming concerts at the end of the year? It wasn’t winter there, not in his dreams. It was cold, but not enough that the air he inhaled felt like it was cutting through his nose, cutting through his throat, burning in his chest.The pain there didn’t seem to subside. He still had trouble breathing. Junho tried to keep calm; this wasn’t happening, it wouldn’t become real, it was not real, but the pain was too great and too intense and too fucking real--The phone rang. Junho stared at the bedroom door in sheer dread, willing it to ring until it went silent, but it wouldn’t stop ringing. It wouldn’t stop. The pain, the call, the dream, the sense of foreboding--He woke up while it was ringing.Junho pushed a button at his cell phone, but he didn’t sit up in bed this time. The air left him in erratic exhales that sounded heavy and nearly desperate in the otherwise quiet room. The air was chilly, but not cold; if he pulled the covers around him and ignored the dream, he might get back to sleep. He tugged at the covers, but they resisted.Junho turned around as quietly as he could and looked at the other side of the bed, the silhouette that he could see there in the dark. Taecyeon slept soundly, peacefully. One of his legs pressed at a fold in the covers; Junho could have tugged at that a little harder and it might have given in, but he didn’t want to wake Taecyeon up. He did touch his hair though, just to reassure himself that Taecyeon was there and he was not dreaming. He bit into his lower lip to stop himself from sighing; it took a while, but he made himself get out of bed, determined not to succumb to whatever his subconscious might come up with.He found the pain was still there, though. He felt it as he opened and closed the door to the bedroom; felt it as he went upstairs, and he found it wouldn’t go away even when he took Wollie up his arms on his way to the kitchen counter. She had been sleeping close to the top of the stairs and Junho needed a distraction.He didn’t know what this was for or where it came from or anything, but he supposed it was connected to the dream. Junho didn’t want to think about it; he wouldn’t like to believe that his mind would somehow try to tell him about things that were happening through strange measures. He was okay. He and Taecyeon were okay. Why did he have to feel like something was being taken away from him--Was that it, though? Was that what the pain stood for? He didn’t know. It was something like he had never felt before, something foreign, something that was trying to take over him, or at least that was how he understood it. No matter how much he tried not to think about it, it was there. The dreams would come and go and come again and haunt him until he couldn’t sleep, though this time he had woken up because of the alarm. He had left his phone in the bedroom. Junho sighed, annoyed at the situation and at himself for allowing it to affect him in the first place. He didn’t really know how early it was, but he felt like he hadn’t slept much. What time had they gone to bed last night?Oh. Right. They had gone to bed early for some reason, he recalled that now, but they ended up not sleeping at first. Junho looked down at Wollie, who wasn’t trying to jump from his arms for once, but actually resting her head where one of his arms bent around her. Junho brought her closer up until he could plant a light kiss on the top of her head, and Wollie didn’t move. He smiled down at her and held back any cute sounds he might have made another time; now he just wanted his cat to be with him without disruptions. He felt a little calmer, holding Wollie like that. He looked around for Johnny, but he was not upstairs. Johnny was probably on the first floor; the older one usually slept on one of the cushions near the house where he was supposed to sleep in, but Junho had already given up on the idea of either of his cats using the houses for anything else than playing. “I guess I could start preparing breakfast, right, Wollie?” he whispered, his fingers barely moving behind her ears, but enough that she purred a little. It was like she knew he needed this. x His hands were bleeding.Wide-eyed, shaking, breathless, Junho stared at the cuts, the dirt, the bits of leaves and buried root that covered his hands.He turned them over and kept staring at each finger, each bruised knuckle, each and every sign that he should be in pain, but he was not. He felt numb, as devoid of a reaction as he was of the ability to make sense out of what was before him.He did feel cold, though. There was a thick fog covering the area around him, but not so much that he wouldn’t recognize his surroundings. The cottage. He had to go back inside and ask Taecyeon for help. He blinked a few times, still unable to comprehend the sight of the hands that didn’t feel like they were his own. It suddenly hit him that the numbness might be related to the feeling of seeing this from outside-- he was not really there, he was just watching it all unfold.But if he wasn’t there, how come he was able to tell himself to move? Get up, he thought. Get up. Junho got up. However, he was once again paralyzed by what he saw.A hole in the ground. Something was buried there. Had he been the one digging at it? His hands--He crouched down to grasp at the dirt and go deeper, but his fingers stung as if shocked by what lay beneath the earth.That pain-- he felt it. He screamed, he tried to get away but he couldn’t, he didn’t really want to, he had to find out, his hands were burning but he didn’t care--“Junho!”Had Taecyeon come to find him? He kept trying to move the earth back, his skin cut and bled and ached and the blood rushed as if seized by the fever of digging, digging digging digging--Junho screamed in pain, Taecyeon was trying to pull him back and away but he had to keep going, he needed to find what was hidden there, the pain of not knowing was worse than the searing current going up his fingertips until he was shaking all over--“Junho, please, wake up!”A shock. Junho felt like he had jumped back, or would have if it weren’t for Taecyeon’s arms keeping him in place, mostly, while Junho writhed in his arms and cried for him to let go--“Babe!” He gasped, finally looking at Taecyeon. They were in their bedroom, not at the cottage but back home; Taecyeon had turned on the bedside lamp and Junho could hardly bear what the dim light showed him.Taecyeon looked as desperate as he had sounded, as Junho himself had felt-- and still did-- the ache had washed over him, seeped through every pore and run into a puddle in which his heart sank. More than the effects it had on Junho himself, he hated seeing it mirrored on Taecyeon’s face. Taecyeon shouldn’t be waking up in the middle of the night to whatever sounds Junho had made-- Taecyeon loosened his grip on him. Junho noticed one or two movements of hesitance, the want to hug him hindered by the way Junho was looking at him.Junho knew his own eyes to still be wide with shock, with what he had seen, but most of all with the building frustration of what he hadn’t gotten to see. “Babe...?” Taecyeon’s voice was barely audible. His hands went from holding onto Junho’s arms to touching them as softly as he could. Junho looked down at their brushing skins, at his own hands, which were clean and unhurt but still shaking a little, and he felt so, so tired...He closed his eyes and sank into Taecyeon’s arms. He felt like crying, but he wouldn’t let the tears come. “Junho, what’s going on?”Junho shook his head, a slow but resolute movement that seemed to take too much strength to do. Maybe it was the question that was tiring, maybe it was his unwillingness to answer it. He was not going to tell Taecyeon. He could not. It was more than knowing he wouldn’t be able to put it into words; it was knowing that voicing it might make it real. “Why won’t you talk to me about this?” Though he kept his voice low and soft, Taecyeon’s frustration transpired in the way he touched Junho’s hair and back, almost like he was afraid of breaking him. “This needs to stop, Junho. You’ve been having nightmares for months...isn’t that why you’ve been getting sick? You barely get any sleep these days, and I know you’re worried about something--”“You know exactly what I’m worried about.”It was a brief, fleeting moment, but Taecyeon stilled, his touch gone for a second or two. Junho felt cold, as cold as the slapping truth in his words, as cold as he would be when Taecyeon--“You’re still holding that against me,” Taecyeon said, a tinge of disappointment that made Junho move back to look at him.Junho shook his head. He wanted to say he was not still angry at Taecyeon for having decided to join the army, but the recurring dreams seemed to come from that. He was afraid of losing Taecyeon. He was afraid of what the dreams meant. He was afraid of closing his eyes one night and wake up to an otherwise empty bed the next morning, Taecyeon gone. “I’m sorry,” was all he managed to say, and Taecyeon looked at him in bafflement for a second. Junho couldn’t bear that, couldn’t bear what felt to be this growing, unwanted distance between them, the words unsaid turning into an unbreachable gap. I don’t want you to go, he thought, melting into Taecyeon as the strength seemed to leave him. “I’ll miss you so much,” he whispered, wrapping his own arms around Taecyeon’s middle, listening to his heartbeat. He tried to commit the sound to memory, to replace the remaining fog of his subconsciousness with the very real feeling of Taecyeon’s skin, his smell, the hands now running through Junho’s hair.“I’ll miss you too. So much,” Taecyeon kissed at the top of his head, and Junho had the fleeting thought he might fall asleep like this, and he wouldn’t mind.The dreams might keep coming, but he would still have this. He would always have this.x