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Dan Howell was nervous. Not entirely. But enough that it made it hard to think. And he needed to think clearly.Phil was in the room beside him, absorbed in editing whatever he was working on. He didn’t want to disturb him so he picked up his phone and texted the only number he could think of.Dodie. Dear sweet Dodie. He texted something simple and sweet, an invitation if you would. “Meet at Starbucks? Bad day. -D” A few moments of silence and foot tapping and his phone was buzzing in his lap. “Sure. 20 minutes? I have to get dressed. -Dods” He let out a sigh of relief and got up to get ready himself. He wore his typical skinny jeans and a jumper. Nothing out of the ordinary. He looked normal, but he wasn’t feeling normal.Entering the lounge again, he wrapped his arms around phil’s shoulders and buried his face in the older man’s neck.“You alright, Dan?”Dan nodded and placed a kiss on Phil’s cheek. “Just having a day. I’m going to get coffee with Dodie. Do you want anything on my way back?” He offered, a small smile gracing his lips. “Are you okay?” Phil turned around and tried to get a look at Dan’s eyes. Were they clear?Dan gave him a face that made his eyes bigger than they were. He could be funny when he wasn’t completely down, he knew he still had a ways to go. “I’m fine. Just a bit off.” “Alright then… If you need me, call me. And give Dod’s a hug for me.” Dan pulled away and made his way to the front door, sliding his shoes on. “Will do. I love you.”“Love you too.”And just like that, with the closing of the door behind him, Dan was out in the cold December air. It burned his lungs to breathe in, but in a way that made his head clearer. He passed by shops that had Christmas lights in the windows, small santa's and reindeer figurines outside of flat’s, all a sign that the holiday was quickly approaching. It made the ball in his chest tighten more.He walked faster, keeping the pace until he was through the double doors of the coffee shop.Dodie was at the corner table, her computer open in front of her when she saw him, smiling and closing it. Dan got in line and ordered their drinks. Him, a caramel hot chocolate. Her, an iced caramel latte. He waited and took the drinks to their table as she was placing her charger in her bag. “Hey Dodie…”“Phil’s worried, you know. He’s already texted me asking if you had gotten here yet.” Dan smiled and shook his head.“I hate making him worry.” “I know.”They sipped their drinks in peace, the store was almost empty save for the few college students studying at the table across the room. “Do you want to talk about it?” Dodie’s voice was light but her eyes spoke worry that matched Phil’s. Both of them knew what Dan’s lows were like and how him crawling out of the hole could make or break.“A little. Not a lot though.” “Whatever you need.”“It’s just that...since we got home from tour. I haven’t had any motivation to do, well, anything. Much less make videos. But I feel like I have to, because you know, it’s my job and there’s a fanbase crawling its way up my ass.”Dodie was silent for a moment, watching him over her glasses. “Dan, you don’t owe anybody anything. Especially a video. And in all honesty, you just got back from a very long tour. You need time to decompress.” “I know, but the guilt is making me-”“Feel like you aren’t doing anything to help or better yourself? I know. But you have to celebrate small things. Like that we’re here getting coffee.” Dan smiled, truly smiled, and chuckled. “Small victories...Yeah. So what are yours for today?” “Getting out of bed and coming here.” Dodie mumbled, taking another sip of her drink. He liked this, getting out of the house and being honest with someone. Phil knew his moods, he knew that Dan liked space, but he still was unsure of boundaries when Dan fell into the pit. Dodie liked this as well, she liked being with friends and helping the only way she knew how. She liked that she was letting herself be sad right now. Especially after John. But she just wanted to think about Dan right now. “Are you okay?” Dan asked quietly, his forehead wrinkling in worry. She let out a sigh and softly smiled. “I will be. It’s just a lot to process. I understand why he did it, but I also think it was selfish. Not that I’m not also being selfish.”Dan just nodded in understanding. Both of them sat there for an hour more, grasping at straws and talking bullshit. Sometimes heavy stuff. Sometimes funny. Until Dan decided he needed to get home. They parted ways with laughter and hugs, the way friends should when they are there for each other. Dodie watched Dan as he walked down the road, humming quietly to himself to keep himself occupied, and took out her phone. One text message- Phil Lester And all it read was “Thank you.”