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DEAN"Dean? Dean, are you okay?" I force my eyelids open when the sound of my baby brother's voice breaks through the haze of my unconsciousness."'M fine, Sammy. Wasn't so bad this time." I say wearily, my words slurred from exhaustion and pain. That was a lie, but I can't let Sammy know just how horrible it was. Maybe it's my desperate need to protect him, or maybe it's just a selfish desire to block out the pain...I try to lift myself up and let out a small whimper of pain as my bloodied wings scrape against the ground. Sammy cringes and helps me up, holding my arms to steady me. My mind blearily registers that Sam is now a few inches taller than me, even though he is two years younger. Kid must have had another growth spurt overnight. It dawns upon my hazy semblance of a brain that he's managed to wrestle me up the stairs from the basement and into bed. I couldn't even find the strength to shift into a more comfortable position, opting to let my twisted arm fall asleep with me. Weak. Father hates angels with everything he has, and ever since I've been old enough to stand he has brought me down to the basement for punishment. I deserve it, too. I can't help that I was born an angel, but on top of my fucked up biology, I am the one blamed for mom's death in the fire. Father always says, 'If only you didn't have those bulky wings, then we might have been able to get out faster and save her.' He is probably right. Scratch that; Father is always right.-/-CASI look at the phone screen, the words smudging together from my tears. A few words stand out, 'Idiot' 'Ugly!' 'Fag' 'Disgrace!' My world collapses into ash as I realize that these people don't even know me; Tumblr followers behind the mask of anonymity and courage commenting on my fake profile. More hot tears leak down my cheeks, soaking them and blurring my vision. I think about school tomorrow, all of the people there that know the real me, hate the real me, and I get up. I stumble to the bathroom, one thing on my mind. Slowly and quietly, careful not to wake my brothers, I shut and lock the door. Swiping at my face, I take off my shirt and coat and shove my hand into the pocket. I pull out the razor and, with practiced precision, dig it sharply into my wrist. The sticky heat of blood immediately overwhelms me and I let out a soft moan. The sharp razor doesn't hurt until I pull it out. When I do, prickles of pain shoot through my arm and I quickly shove the razor back in. I repeat the process, hardly aware of my blood pooling on the tiles of my bathroom. Blood drips down my face as tears drip down my cheeks, creating lines of pain and sorrow etched onto my skin. The only thing I even remotely care about is how I don't even deserve this pain, how I don't deserve anything but death. But, like the disgustingly selfish and cowardly person I am, I take the razor out for the last time for now and clean it. Then I wipe my blood off of the floor and go to bed, wrapping my wings tightly around me. Lightheaded from blood loss, eyes still cloudy from tears, I easily drift off to sleep. The last thought that passes through my mind is, maybe I just won't wake up.
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DEAN"Wake up, Sammy" I say, shaking my little brother. He shoots up in his bed with an excited look on his face."Is today Wednesday? Come on Dean, we can't be late for the first day of school!" He yells, shoving me out of the way and racing downstairs.I laugh and say, "Sammy, I think you forgot something.""What?""How about clothes? You're still wearing your pjs." Sam races back into the room, grabs some clothes, and pushes me out of the room yelling something about breakfast. I chuckle and walk back to my room, putting on jeans and my favorite ACDC shirt with slits in the back to allow my wings to poke through. I inspect my wings, wiping at them and arranging the feathers so the blood, cuts, and missing feathers won't show. When my wings look like their normal charcoal black color, I walk down the stairs. On the way down I check my face, putting on my 'perfect soldier' expression. Head up, eyes forward, face devoid of emotion. Just in case Father is downstairs, I pull my wings close to my body so he doesn't have to see as much of them.I shuffle to the stove and find Sammy already there, face buried in a book. I grab two pieces of toast, throw one in his direction, and get my bag. Without looking up from his book, Sam grabs his bag and follows me out the door. No Dad, no fight with Sam over being late, it's the small miracles.CASSadly, I do wake up. My alarm clock blares, effectively annoying me out of bed as usual at 5;55 am. I sigh and get out of bed, carefully removing my sweater from last night. I ignore the red stains on the lower couple inches of my sleeves, as they are on all of my older sweaters. I gingerly touch my wrists, slowly moving my fingers against the old scars and new scabbing ones. I change into a black hoodie, pulling the sleeves down all the way over my fingertips to be safe. Then I throw on my trench coat, covering my black armor out of nervous habit. I contemplate putting in my lip piercing, but nobody knows about it, and it would just cause more drama (coward, my mind helpfully supplies).When I go downstairs I keep my head down and my wings tucked, not wanting to draw attention to myself. Gabriel, my favorite brother and two years my junior, has a cherry lollipop in his mouth as usual, glitter coating the golden wings of his feathers. Michael, one of my older brothers, has his girlfriend Hael's tongue in his mouth and his brown wings around her. Lucifer, my oldest brother, is sitting on the table, magenta wings protectively shielding his phone as he texts. Probably his third girlfriend of the month or one of his delinquent friends. As usual I opt to skip breakfast, and decide ahead of time that I'm not going to eat lunch. I have to have dinner because everyone eats together in my family, but I guess one meal is closer to none.I arrive at school and go to first period, nervously tugging my sleeves down. I sit in a desk at the far back, away from everyone else. The teacher, Mr. Lenin, starts lecturing in a monotonous voice that makes me and the rest of my already somnolent class instantly doze off.“Sorry I'm late! I was... Doing stuff" I hear a masculine voice sound suddenly, snapping me out if my daze. The kid -Dean, Mr. Lenin calls him- has the most startlingly handsome features I have ever seen.Dean gracefully steps closer, although it's really just an attempt to fully enter the classroom, and I'm able to make out the details that evaded me from a distance. His eyes are piercingly beautiful; forest green with little flecks of gold, a navy blue line encircling his irises in the way my arms can only dream to envelop him. His jaw is sharp and has a small amount of stubble, his hair close-cropped and gelled into a smooth wave. Dean is muscular, probably already on the football team. And he's an angel. His wings are a glossy, shiny black, like charcoal mixed with molten tar. They're almost the exact same color as mine...I push all of those thoughts out of my head, because while I was staring, a curvy and slightly disheveled brunette walked in after Dean and mouthed 'I'm stuff' at a group of giggling girls who turned from doe-eyed to jealous. This girl cut loose that little thread of hope I had already strung up inside of myself. Although who am I kidding, even if Dean is remotely queer, he could never fall for someone as pathetic and ugly as me.Then Dean does the most unexpected thing. He sits by me.DEANI walk down the rows of desks and look for an empty seat in the back, where I always sit. I forget about the girl, Linda or Lizzie or Lisa or whatever, and scan the room for angels. There are two, a girl and a boy. The girl has freaky long red hair, is glaring at Lisa, and bats her eyelashes as I draw closer. The boy has dark black hair and his head lowered to his desk. I see a seat in the back next to the boy angel and move to sit by him. I surprise myself by acknowledging how damn hot he is, with his intelligent cobalt blue eyes, his amazing wings-which just so happen to be the same color as mine-his sexy ruffled hair, almost like someone was holding him dow- No! I need to stop right there. Still, this kid is so gorgeous... Fuck, I have to stop thinking that!Taking a seat next to the angel, I turn and look at him some more. "Hey, I'm new here. Who are you?" I say the first thing that comes to mind, chastising myself mentally for sounding so rude and stupid."Castiel. Who are you?" The kid-Castiel-replies in a deeper voice than I expected. I almost forget to respond, thinking about that amazing gravelly voice that I just want to hear over and over and- "I'm Dean" I say, slightly shaking my head to try to get those thoughts out of my head. He nods and turns to his bag, pulling out a notebook and focusing his attention on it. After a few minutes of, well, staring at him and tuning out the teacher, I finally get the nerve to ask Castiel what he is doing."Hey, Cas, what's that?" I ask, barely noticing the nickname I just gave him. He looks up slightly and mumbles, "Drawing" before turning back to it. I take a chance and lean over to look, pleasantly surprised when I see an amazing sketch of an angel with his arms reaching down, a blade to his throat while he lifts another angel away from claws coming from the bottom of the page.I must have made some sort of noise, because Cas looks up once more before I say, "That's really good." He gives me a slight smile and squints, tilting his head to the right. I inwardly smile, he's fucking gorgeous. I know it's wrong, and it's not like I even roll that way, but I can't help the thought popping into my mind. I mean, there was that one guy in Tulsa two years ago... But that was nothing. For the rest of class I stare at this beautiful angel, wondering how one guy could confuse me so much.
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CAS Dean sat next to me. Dean complimented my drawing. Dean stared at me all through class. He was probably thinking that I'm weird, just like everyone else. I tug at my sleeves again as the bell rings and I quickly pack up and leave. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear someone yell my name. I keep walking until I feel a sharp shove and fall to the ground. I look up and see Crowley and his minion, Abbadon, laughing at me. "Hey Asstiel! How's my favorite punching bag? Come on, get up!" Crowley grunts the last word as he yanks me from the floor by my right wing, causing me to quietly yelp in pain. He throws me against my locker and punches me hard in the face, causing my head to swing to the side. Before I can recover, he swings again, this time hissing insults and profanities. "You fat idiot, fucking disgrace. I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself yet, it would do everyone a favor. Although, judging by how you're still here, you surely don't care about humanity." Crowley hisses in my ear before hitting me yet another time. It goes on and on, just like last year, but more painful. This time, Abby (Crowley's name for Abbadon) is holding me down, blood red nails forming throbbing crescents in my skin even though I'm not even attempting to push back. My beating finally comes to a close when the bell rings for next period. Crowley tells Abbadon to let me go and I tumble to the ground in a heap, shaking and unable to rise. The last thing I see before I black out is that horrible word written in thick Sharpie on my locker. DEAN I walk through the empty halls, letting myself have some peace while the other kids are in class. I walk down the third row of lockers slowly, soaking in the quiet. Suddenly, I see a crumpled figure on the ground under a vandalized locker. I rush over to the boy, finding none other than a harshly beaten and blood-soaked Cas. I easily pick him up and bring him into the bathroom without a second thought. I mean, someone has to clean the kid up. I push open the door and I'm relieved to find that nobody is in here except for us. I set Cas down on the floor and get the entire roll of paper towels. Then I wet half of them and start to wipe the blood off of Cas. I do his hands first, wiping them down before rolling up his sleeves to see if there is any blood there. My fingers move the soft fabric of his blue sweater away and I gasp, tears springing to my eyes. Cuts, scars, scabs, and everything in between. So many that they rise past the insides of Cas's extremely skinny elbows. Far too many for me not to do anything about it. However, I have to clean Cas up before I do anything else. I roll down his sleeves and wipe my cheeks before beginning to clean his face. Cas stirs awake when I place yet another cool paper towel on his face, moaning and opening his eyes. His oceans of eyes go from slightly uncomfortable to panic stricken and hurt. Cas tries to get up and push me away, but I hold him down. As he continues to struggle I say, "Hey Cas, it's Dean. I found you in the halls and I'm fixing you up. How are you feeling?" I try to be as gentle as possible, remembering the scars. "Dean, you need to go away!" Cas croaks, trying to get away again but failing as his right wing drags on the ground. I shake my head and lightly continue to clean his face of all of the blood. There are cuts all over his cheeks, a lump on his head, and it looks like he is getting a black eye. His left hand might have a broken finger, his right wing is bloody, and who knows how his ribs are. He probably sprained something there too, seeing as he is having trouble moving his right foot. As I assess his injuries, I shake my head at his previous comment. "Cas, I'm not going anywhere."
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CAS Dean finishes cleaning me up and by that time school is almost over. There is only one period left before it ends, so I say, "Dean? Would you mind walking me home? I don't have a car and I live far away and it's ok if not I can totally go on my own actually maybe I'll just go no-" I ramble before being cut off by Dean. "I'd love to take you home. Lemme just text Sammy and tell him he has to catch a ride." I tilt my head to the side at the mention of this Sammy. Dean realizes I have never met this kid and says, "Oh, Sammy is my little brother. I guess he really isn't that little though. Freshman year and the kid is already almost 6'! Sammy-Sam-is super smart. Like, a hell of a lot smarter than me. Wants to be a lawyer." Dean drifts off and I can tell he is proud of Sam by the way his eyes shine. Dean texts Sam and we sneak out of the bathroom, grab our backpacks, and leave school. I lead the way to my house in awkward silence. Dean says about halfway through, "Hey, Cas, I missed lunch because of the whole fixing you up thing and totally forgot to bring one. I guess either way I would have not had lunch.. Is there any way I could have yours?" My heart drops to my stomach and I begin to sweat. I can't tell Dean I don't eat lunch, but I don't have any food to offer him. What do I do? I must have looked as frantic as I felt because Dean dropped it and changed the subject, saying "Never mind, actually. Do you have a partner for that project Mr. Lenin assigned? I forgot to ask anyone and I don't wanna be with some loser." I shake my head and say, "No, I don't have a partner. But if you don't want a loser as your partner, why did you ask me? For heaven's sake, you just had to wipe blood off of me because I was beat up by Crowley! If that doesn't scream loser, I don't know what does." Dean looks me straight in the eye with his beautiful green ones and says, "Cas, you are probably the best angel I have ever met. If you're a loser, I'm a pigeon. Come on, you're great!" My eyes water a little and I drag them away. Nobody has ever said anything remotely that nice to me in my entire life. I mumble a thanks and we walk in silence the rest of the way to my house. When we get there Dean abruptly stops. "Cas?" he asks, voice shaking slightly. Unnerved, I just respond, "Yes Dean?" He looks at his shoes and stammers out, "Is.. Is what t-those guys said and put on your locker true?" Of course. The whole gay thing. "Well, um... Yes" I whisper. Dean looks at my eyes and even though I want to look away, I can't. It is like there is some invisible force holding our eyes to each other, letting his pierce into my very soul. Suddenly, Dean's lips smash into mine and his wings wrap around me. DEAN I don't know what made me do it. I'm not even... Gay. I like girls. Hell, I've dated almost every girl worth her bra at every school I've been to. But Cas.. Somehow he makes me want to stop caring. But I have to. I can't give Father another reason to punish me. I can't jeopardize Sammy's chance at a normal life, one free of bearings and an unnatural brother. I can't be selfish. So I pull away and do the only thing someone like me can do. I run. As I run from the only person other than Sammy that I've ever cared about, I hear him screaming my name. I hear the yell of frustration as I refuse to turn. And finally, worst of all, I hear the gut wrenching sobs. And still, I don't turn, don't stop, just keep running. When I get home I fling open the door and run to my room. Or at least, I try before I'm interrupted by Father, drunkenly calling at me, "Boy! Basement, now. That's an order." I obey as usual, too weary to even glare at his back as I press my wings close to my body and keep my head down until we arrive at the soundproof basement. Father yanks my feathers aside painfully and jabs hooks through the scarred holes in my wings. He then walks towards the crank to stretch them for my own personal torture.
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CAS I didn't initiate this. It wasn't my fault! And yet, it was. I was the one they called a f*g and Dean probably wanted to test it. He probably was just gaining my trust before he... Kissed me. So it would be easier. It's probably just another joke from Crowley to make my hate myself even more. And the sickest part is, it worked. I hate myself even more than before, because if it wasn't a joke, Dean probably just realized that I'm as bad of a kisser as I am a person. That I'm not good for even someone else's pleasure, not worth fixing. And if that's the case, he's right then too. I wrap my wings around myself and sob harder, rubbing my thumb over my arm. I have to hold back my tears to go inside after a while of sobbing because if Lucifer or Michael see, they'll make fun of me. And if Gabriel sees, he'll try to help.Baby brother always was a people-pleaser. Both options are equally as horrid, so I try to look normal as I run inside and up the stairs, past my mother and father and brothers, past a dinner I don't want to eat, past someone who will try to stop me. I lock myself in the bathroom and pull the razor out of its hiding place in the inside pocket of my coat before taking it off along with my hoodie. I think of Dean's sick joke and my 'fight' with Crowley and Abby today. I think of what everyone probably thinks about me, that I'm fat and gay and ugly and a disgrace. I relive all of the memories as I dig the razor into my wrist for the first time tonigt. The sick part is, it doesn't even hurt anymore. And that's the part that scares me. It scares me so much that I do it over and over again, harder and faster each time, until I can feel something worse than the pain inside my chest now. I finally realize why it doesn't hurt as much. It doesn't hurt because I'm heartbroken. And nothing hurts worse than a broken heart. Especially if you have nobody to help you repair it. DEAN Blinding, white hot pain sears through me as Father pulls the hooks tighter and tighter. I hear a loud noise going on and on until I finally comprehend that I'm the one making that noise. I'm screaming. Father ceases his torturous yanks on the hooks and I try to relax, only to realize that the hooks are tightened farther than ever before, holding me up in the air so I can't rest a single tendon without feeling my skin literally start to tear. My muscles are tight and there is so, so much pain, more than I could have imagined. I feel wetness on my back and know that it's blood. Father slowly and jaggedly walks over to me and comes right up in my face. He says, "You are a shame to this family. You made us weak and disgusting." He punches me in the face over and over until I can't see out of my left eye, then he pulls out an angel blade. Slowly and with the precision of someone who has done this many times- which he has- he carves deep cuts into my bare stomach. I cry out in pain and look down at the cuts to find that they spell out 'Worthless' in jagged, dripping red letters. Father looks up at me again and walks over to the crank for the hooks, tightening them until I lose my voice from screaming and pass out in pain. CAS I wake up to pounding on my door and Gabe's voice yelling for me to open up. Great, not dead. Such a coward that I can’t even do that right!I frantically clean the floor of blood and shove the razor back into my pocket, yelling for Gabe to "Chill out for one second of your life!" I tug my shirt and sweater back on, hiding my new scars glistening in addition to the old ones. I give the room a quick once-over and open the door. Gabe looks around and thankfully doesn't find anything out of the ordinary. He looks at me and says, "Cassie, why did you run up here like you were being hunted? And why didn't you eat dinner?" I just shrug and say, "Wasn't hungry. I had a big lunch." Total lie, I haven't eaten since last night, and even them I only picked at my food. I'm used to it, though. Not eating. "Why do you have a black eye, Cassie? Did you get in a fight?" I shake my head and reply in a bored voice, "Just a game with a friend that went a little too intense. No big deal. I'm tired, lemme sleep." I say. Gabe nods suspiciously but luckily leaves me to go to bed. I walk to my bed and look one more time at my phone but remember that I never got Dean's number. Filled with disappointment and sadness, I pull the covers up to my chin and sleep. DEAN "Dean! Dean please, please just wake up! I-I need you. Dean!" I hear sniffling and blearily open my eyes. I'm greeted by Sammy kneeling over me, bloodshot and swollen eyes leaking tears down his faux innocent face. I find myself in a heap below the hooks, dried drips of blood congealed on my face and the sharp points looming above me. I feel like a calf in an abandoned slaughterhouse and try to laugh at the irony. "Sammy" I manage to croak out, turning my head to look around. My wings are rust red and there is a large cut through the tips of each were the hook pulled right through the skin. I realize that I'm still shirtless and covered in blood from head to toe. I finally find Father passed out next to the crank, another few spirit bottles surrounding him. Sammy, being the strong and amazing kid he is, reaches out and lifts me up. I groan, my throat too sore to make any other noise, and see Sammy still crying. Poor kid, I really don't want him to see me like this. I am the only angel of the family, so Sammy is never beaten by Father. I'm glad he doesn't know what it feels like, but I hate that he has to see me when I'm injured and take care of me after when I can't even stand on my own. Sammy sets me down gently on the bed and takes out our little first aid kit. He cleans me of all of the blood, wincing and crying with me when he sees the words Father carved into my stomach. I pass out a few times from pain when he sews up my wings and tries to help with the cuts, but overall I endure the pain. The only relief for me is when I finally pass out for the last time, not waking until 6;00 when I will have to bring Sammy to school. I'm skipping. I wake up and try to stand, finding that my legs can hold my weight. I cradle my wings against my back and almost cry out from the pain of moving them. It's a good thing there are only two days left of school, seeing as how the year started on a Wednesday. I force myself to get ready for Sammy and get dressed. When I arrive downstairs I find Sammy sitting at the counter with a faraway look on his face. I check outside and see Father gone, probably out drinking again. "Heya, Sammy!" I try to say in a peppy voice. Instead, it comes out a croak that spikes the pain in my throat. Sammy looks up and rushes over. He says, "Dean! You're awake!" I smile and nod before Sammy says, "You can go back to sleep. I have a ride and you really need the rest." Confused, I give him a questioning look. "I met this girl yesterday, Sara. She's amazing. She has the most beautiful chocolate brown hair that's streaked with blue, and her eyes are.. Wow. And don't even get me started on her smile. We met in English, she is my partner for a big project. She's driving here and we are going together." Sammy smiles and I can tell he really likes this Sara chick. I nod and he seems pleased. "Wha-what's she like?" I manage to croak out. Sammy smiles again and says, "I'll tell you later. She's here!" Sammy rushes to the door, checks his hair, and goes outside to meet a short girl who is literally a foot smaller than him. He bends down and kisses her, and she wraps her arms around his neck. They pull apart and Sammy waves to me before getting into her car and driving off to school with her. As I cocoon myself in bed, think that I guess I approve.
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CAS "Mom, I can't go to school. I'm sick." I say, faking a cough. It's a good thing I'm so pale and weak from last night, because otherwise she wouldn't believe me. "Ok hon, but you need to go tomorrow. I can't have you missing too much, the school's already on my back for letting Luci skip so often. Feel better!" Mom says with a smile. I nod and bury myself in the covers. I just want to escape this horrible world, if only I had the courage to just end it. Sadly, I'm as much of a coward as I am a disappointment. Lucifer and Michael were out partying last night, so they have mean hangovers and mom let them stay home. Again. Gabe, however, is the best out of all of us and actually wants to go to school. Apparently he made friends with a certain 'Samsquatch', who just so happens to be Dean's younger brother. Great, now I'll never get over Dean. Hey, maybe it'll give me an excuse to see him? If I'm gonna be pathetic, I might as well do it right. Gabe and Sam are going in a triple date tonight. Sammy, as Dean calls him, is with his girlfriend Sara, Gabe with a blind date Sam is setting him up with, and Charlie (who is apparently a past fling of the girl Gabe is being set up with) with her girlfriend Gilda. They're watching movies and coming to our place. That means that Dean is driving them here and that I have to see him. TIME LAPSE (school is over) "Honey, I'm home!" Gabe slams the front door open and the six rowdy teenagers run in. Sam is piggy-backing Sara in and she laughs, tugging at his shaggy, long hair. Gabe is already holding hands with a girl who is a few inches shorter than him, which is a feat, and has long blond hair. It's tied back but still goes all the way down to her butt. Charlie and a girl who must be Gilda enter last. Charlie has flabbergastingly bright red hair and a gaming t-shirt, and Gilda has curly brown hair and is wearing a white sundress. They look like complete opposites, but seem to already be enthralled in an intense conversation about the pros and cons of Stucky vs. Stony. I guess Gilda is as much of a geek as Charlie. The six of them head to the living room, Sara having to get down from Sam's shoulders so he could make it under the doors, and sit on the couches. I give Sam a questioning look as to why Dean isn't here, and he says he is home sick. In reality I bet he is probably avoiding me because he found out what a loser I really am. I wave goodbye to the couples and go up to my room, locking myself in there and not eating for the second day in a row. But I'm not distracted for one second by hunger as my mind races with thoughts of Dean. DEAN I got a text from Sammy saying that he, Sara, Gabe, Penelope, Charlie, and Gilda are watching movies at Cas's house. Which means Sammy will see Cas. Which means Cas wondering where I was and how I'm doing. Which means Sammy will have to lie to him. I throw my head onto my pillow and wince at the sharp jab of pain it causes. I’m so stupid! He will never want to even be near me again, he probably thinks I'm some gay loser. Word will get out and Father will beat me more, probably ending up killing me or driving me literally insane. I groan as I force myself up, I need to do something about this. I walk into the kitchen and grab a beer from Father's not-so-secret stash. I disregard the tremors in my hands, chalking them up to pain when I know they're actually anxiety. Winchesters are made of iron, son. Don’t cry. Don’t be weak, you’re always so weak, you’ll never be a fucking Winchester. You’re just an abomination, a weak Angel. I startle back into the moment as I feel a cool drop on condensation run down the bottle and onto my wrist. I know I'm underage, but I've been drinking since I was, like, 10. Sammy still doesn't drink more than a beer or two. Said he didn't want to stunt his growth or IQ. Apparently, those years payed off. Sammy's almost 6' and smarter than anyone I know. I pick up my phone and text him. Dean: Hey Sammy what's Cas's number?Sam: How should I know? He was ur bf first!!Dean:He is NOT my bf! Jst ask, it's his houseSam: fineSam: it's *image loading* I sip my beer and think. Why does Sammy think Cas is my boyfriend? I'm not gonna lie, it's an idea that makes me very happy, but am I that obvious in liking him? Honestly, now I feel like it's more than just liking him. No no no. I can't be thinking this. Cas doesn't like me, I ditched him after kissing him. I'm pulled out of my thoughts as my phone dings, signifying that the picture has loaded. I quickly type Cas's number into my phone and text him. Dean:Hey Cas! It's me DeanCas:What do you need?Dean: Just meet me at the lake behind the gym at school I'll explain then. PleaseCas:Fine. I will meet you there in ten minutes. I jump up from my bed and rush to the mirror. I have a black eye, cuts on my neck, and my wings are ripped. Great, I look like a mess. That's not even counting the new scars on my chest that make me wince every time I think about them. Luckily, they are covered by my shirt. I rush out of the house and pull my wings close to my body, hoping he won't notice. At the last second, I grab my letterman jacket and hide my wings. Painful, but at least now he won’t be able to see just how broken I am. CAS The text session with Dean made my heart wrench all over again. He is probably just leading me there to beat me up, but I can't find it in myself to care. Maybe I just deserve to be broken. I change out of my pajamas into my 'uniform' of black jeans, black sweater, and my trench coat. I tug at my sleeves one last time and then leave, telling Sam he is in charge and reminding Gabe of the exploding toast incident of 2014.
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CAS I walk slowly to the lake, reaching it in nine minutes. I slowly search the area and find Dean, pacing the edge of the lake in hurried steps. I wonder why he's so nervous? Maybe going over how he is going to beat me up.I walk towards him and try to sound confident. "Dean?" Yeah, so much for confident. That came out as a squeaky whisper. Dean turns around quickly, muttering "sonofabitch" under his breath. "Hey, Cas." He says, looking at the ground then back up at me. His green eyes freeze me for a second before I open my mouth to say.. well, I don't even know what. He cuts me off by saying, "Cas, I know you're mad and probably hate me right now, but please let me explain. You see, I really, REALLY care about you. The only person I've ever cared about before you was Sammy, because he is family and pretty much all I've got. You, well, you're special. I don't have to care, but I still do. I think I just got scared, because who could not hate me? I know that I'm on the football team and I've dated pretty much every girl in the school in just this past summer, but let's face it. Without all of that, I'm just me. Just Dean. But you, you're Cas. And that's so much better. You're smart, caring, and, well, hot. Really hot. What I guess I'm trying to say is, I like you. A lot. And I want you to be my boyfriend." Dean finishes his speech and stares at me, his eyes a little watery. I know I'm crying, because he could not be more wrong. But somehow, the way he said it, Dean makes me want to believe him. So I nod and say, "Yes Dean, I will be your boyfriend." He smiles widely and immediately lights up, running to hug me. "Dean" I mumble into his jacket. "Yeah, Cas?" He says in a shaky voice. "Why do you think you're so bad when you're one of the best people I know? Why do you continue to hide who you are?" I gesture to the jacket and Dean pulls back, frowning. "Cas, do you promise you won't freak out?" He asks. I nod vigorously. Nothing can keep me from dating Dean Winchester. Dean takes off his jacket and I gasp. His wings, they're ripped. They are split in half from about the top middle all the way to the tips. He slowly pulls away and steps under the streetlight by the edge of the sidewalk, body becoming aglow in the yellowy artificial light. And his face, his handsome face, is all cut up. "D-Dean, who did this to you?" I ask, voice trembling. Dean looks down and says quietly, "My father. It... It's because I'm an angel. H-he hates angels and s-says it's my fault that my mom died. I... It's not that bad. Plus, it's not like he's wrong." Dean whispers the last part, trembling. I rush over and hug him, how could someone do this to him? How could it be his fault that his mother died? "Dean, this doesn't change anything. Well, except for my view of your father. You don't have to say anything." I mumble. Dean slumps down and I follow, until we are sitting on the ground, entangled in each other's arms. His jacket is forgotten on the ground beside us. DEAN Cas and I have been talking for what seems like hours now. I learn the little things, like how his favorite color is yellow and how he did every book report he ever had in middle school on why the bees are important. His childhood nickname was Cassie, but he spent a solid year of kindergarten trying to get people to call him Jimmy because he thought it was the coolest name ever. I tell him things, too. My favorite songs, how I want at least four dogs when I get my own place, and even the embarrassing story of how I tried to convince Sam that I was Batman by jumping off our garage roof and ended up taking him to the hospital on the handlebars of my bike when he tried and broke his arm because he had no wings. We just talk, and listen, and repeat. It's the most comfortable I've been with a person in years, not worrying about judgement or expectations or how strong I should look but don't, curled up with him under the stars and between the flowers. The conversation lulls and I sit slumped in Cas's arms, feeling strangely relieved. I've finally told someone, and they care. Cas is actually my boyfriend, too! That alone makes up for how freezing I am in just a t shirt and jeans. There is a rustle of fabric and before I know it, Cas has blanketed his trench coat on top of us. I smile and intertwine our fingers before rubbing my other hand on his bony arm. And I freeze. The calm of the moment shatters, and my chest grows tight for the first time in hours. I look over at Cas and he is panicking. I try not to cry, but the tears leak out anyway. Why would he do this to himself? Cas is squirming and I know what's about to happen next, I did the same thing, so I wrap my hand even tighter around his and say, "Cas, I don't like this. At all. But it won't stop me from liking you. Would you please just... Just tell me why?" Tears continue to fall free from both of our eyes as he explains, "I just... I'm not worth it, Dean. Any of this. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm a disgrace. They say it, they call me a humiliation and a f*g, and I believe them because it's the truth. You shouldn't date me. It's impossible that you could even like me at all. I don't want you to get hurt. Everyone I know gets hurt because of me. We had to move here because of me. I don't want you to get hurt! It just feels like with this, with my razor, I can at least feel a different pain. It's pain to distract from pain, I guess." I'm crying full on now, and Cas does the last thing I want to see. He pulls out a razor from the pocket of the coat draped over us. The razor is crusted over with red, dried up, flaky blood. It drives me over the edge. "Castiel, I don't care what those idiots say. You are not worthless, you're not fat, you sure aren't ugly. The only thing ugly here is, well, gimme that razor!" I take the razor from his bony hands and gesture to it. "This is the only ugly thing here. No, I'm not going to kiss your scars and be your hero like in those chick flick novels. I'm going to love you and be with you, though. I'm going to let you be your own hero. Cas, please never do this again. I care about you so much, more than I have anyone else." As I say the last part Cas suddenly launches himself at me for a hug. My arms envelope his tiny frame and I realize what those sonofabitches did when they called him fat. "Dean," he whispers, "I don't know if I believe all of that yet. But I care about you too, and I want to be with you." We lay there together for a while before I say, "Cas, let's go back to Baby." Cas gives me a little smile and gets up with me, walking over to sit in the passenger seat of Baby. I slide into the driver's side smoothly before holding Cas's hand once more. Cas's bony hands remind me of something and I pull one of Sammy's rabbit food granola bars from the console. "Here babe, eat this." I say, handing him the bar. Cas looks at it questioningly before saying, "I-I'm not really hungry." It makes me angry. "Cas, dammit, eat the bar!" Cas curls in on himself and I realize I am yelling, so I lower my voice and say, "Cas, please. I just want you to be okay." Cas looks up at me before untangling our hands and opening the crinkly package of the bar. He takes a bite and I see him visibly relax. "Told ya so." I say before kissing him on the cheek. I've never really been much for PDA, but with Cas I somehow feel ok with it. I pull up in front of Cas's house ten minutes later and get out of the car, helping Cas walk to the door. I kiss him on the nose at the door and he gives me a weak smile. God, I love that boy. "Night babe, try to eat something ok? I don't care if it's three blueberries or an entire pie, but please eat. For me?" I beg. "Of course, Dean. Thank you." Cas says, making my heart flutter. I smile again and this time it's Cas pulling me in for a hug, wrapping his wings tightly around me. We fall into each other for a moment before Cas pulls away, whining adorably that "Deeeeeaaaan, my curfew is in literally two minutes." I nod and tell him to hold out his hand. He complies, confused, I take the second pendant from around my neck and push it into his palm. He smiles, squeezing it tightly before looping it around his neck. The leather chain is long, letting the intricate silver wings hang low on his chest where my muscles held them up. Later, when there's more time, I'll explain them. I smile at him and say, "Text me, Cassie." He nods and I kiss him on the cheek. Suddenly, a white flash goes off and I open my eyes. Cas is grinning, holding his phone in front of us and inspecting the picture he just took. "Cas, come on! I look horrible in photos!" I say. Cas just shakes his head. "Dean, you always look good. But I really have to go in now." He says. I smile as he goes inside, leaving me standing outside of my car grinning like an idiot
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CAS I sigh happily and almost skip to the kitchen. Dean likes me. I like Dean. Dean Winchester and I are in love. (Well, maybe not yet, but a guy can dream). I grin and pull open the refrigerator. "I am NOT fat" I mumble to myself over and over again, thinking of what Dean told me to help. I see yogurt and decide to try. I keep mumbling my mantra and sit. "Heya Cassie! Whatcha mumbling?" I startle at the sound of Gabe's voice and say, "Oh, nothing." It's probably not that believable, especially with the huge grin plastered on my face, because Gabe sits down next to me and says, "Spill." Well, Gabe is the only one I can trust with this... I decide to tell him about me and Dean, but not about my... issues or his abuse. So I tell him about my sexuality, about how Dean and I met in class and he complimented my drawing, about how we kissed. Everything good about our relationship, I share with Gabe. The whole way through, he is smiling. "I knew it! Sammy and I had a bet going, he said at most two days. I said a week. Oh crap, I owe Sam 20 bucks!" Gabe yells after I finish. I smile at Gabe's acceptance and his third nickname for Sam. Gabe pulls out his phone and texts Sam, telling him something along the lines of- 'Our brothers are together, Moose! We're gonna be family soon!' and I sigh. We aren't going that fast! Still, I smile at Gabe and have a small bite of yogurt. As Gabe continues babbling on about getting a brother, then his new nicknames for Sam, I slowly eat my yogurt and tune him out. Instead, I think of Dean. He actually likes me back! When I finish I excuse myself from talking and walk to my room, grinning widely for the first time in this house since forever. The next morning I wake up and get ready as usual, this time smiling, though. Dean is my boyfriend. Everything is perfect. DEAN I woke up happy today. My wings are still sore but Sammy, the smart little dude he is, managed to sew them up for me now that they have scarred a bit. The feathers are a little more ruffled than usual, but they are mostly normal. My face has healed, and it seems the only lasting injuries are the scarred letters on my chest. Father was still gone, thankfully, so Sammy and I were able to have a relaxed morning. The entire time he babbled on about Sara, saying that she was perfect and he was so excited for his date with her. I haven't seen him this excited about a date since Jess, and he had to leave her behind when we moved. However, I feel like Sara will be good for him. She seems pretty great. Somehow on the way to school I get caught up on thinking of Cas and Sammy has to tell me that we actually arrived at school and I should probably open the doors. On the way to class I still think of him. I can't believe I actually got the guts to ask him out. Moreover, I can't believe he accepted!
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DEANIt was three Wednesdays after we began dating that I finally began to open up about the pendant."When I was little, and my mom was still alive, she would tuck me into bed every night. She'd say, with a smile on her face, that she loved me so much. To the moon and back, she would whisper." I say. I feel comforted by the warmth of Cas's hand on the small of my back, the two of us curled together tight under the blanket on Cas's bed. My fingers fumble with the wing charm, twisting it around to run my thumb along the grooves in a pattern that I had perfected over the years."Dean?" Cas asks in a low voice, as though he is scared to break the silence."Yeah, hun?" I ask, smiling around the new nickname that Cas shyly admitted to loving last week."Why did you give me this?" He asks, wrapping his fingers around mine to indicate the pendant."It was my mother's. It was one of the only things the firemen could salvage after that night. I got to them before Father, and he never found out that I still have it. She wore it everyday, and I can still remember it dangling from her neck every night as she went to tuck me in. She always used to say, 'Angels are watching over you, Dean'. I think she was right, and I think that Angel is you. It gave me hope all these years, and I want you to have it." I say. Tears welled up in my eyes as I told the story, but Winchesters don't cry, and my voice began to waver in an effort to keep my tears hidden. It's all in vain, though, when Cas wriggles around in my arms to face me.A secretive smile lights up my boyfriend's face as he sees me, not once allowing judgement to flicker over his features. Instead of the punch I would've received from Father for my tears, I'm rewarded with a soft, closed-lipped kiss. "Thank you for telling me, Dean. I love you." Cas says. My heart stutters, this is the first time he's said that, don't fuck this up. You can handle this, just don't freak out. You love him too, it can't be that hard to say it!"To the moon and back." I whisper. And life goes back to being perfect. At least, until tomorrow.-NEXT MORNING-CAS"Hey, assbag!" Oh no, Crowley and Abby are here. I turn and push myself against the locker, closing my eyes and waiting for the blow. Sure enough, I feel hands on my shoulders and wings to hold me in place. I know a punch is about to come, so I squeeze my eyes tighter. However, the blow never comes. Instead, I feel the weight being pulled from my shoulders. Hesitantly, I open my eyes. I am greeted with the sight of Dean shoving Crowley down the hallway, an unconscious Abby lying on the floor. Why did he do that? Crowley stumbles away and Dean runs over to me."Cas? Are you ok?" Dean asks, fear shimmering in his green orbs. "Yeah, thanks Mr. Knight in Shining Armor. I didn't need your help, I can handle myself." I say, pushing him off. I don't know why I'm doing this, I really am thankful. But still, I don't like Dean having to do this. I have some pride.Dean looks at me sadly. "Really, Cas? Fine. If you don't need my help, I'll just go. Good luck next time, because I won't be there. Forget everything I said last night, I was right. It was stupid. I will never love you." Dean says as his sadness quickly turns to anger. He turns around and walks away, simultaneously crushing my heart. It's my fault. I did this, I ruined our relationship. Just like I ruin everything else. I'm so stupid! Dean was just trying to help. But, he must have regretted it anyway. I will never love you, his words echo through my mind as tears glaze over my eyes. I sit on the ground and sob until the bell rings, then pull myself up tiredly and wipe my red eyes. Fuck, I hate Thursdays.I groan and turn around, getting my supplies from my locker. At least I have art now, my favorite class.I walk to class and feel excitement building inside me despite the fight with Dean. Yes, I'm miserable, but slightly less so now that I can draw and paint, spill my heart, guts, and soul onto the parchment and canvas. I open the door and smile slightly, seeing the rows of paints, colored pencils, sketch pads, canvas, mixing palates, and more. Sitting at the first of the long tables, closest to Mr. Jimmy, are Kevin, Garth, and Charlie. These three are my only friends, even though we barely hang out. Except for Charlie. The other two probably don't want to be seen with me outside of art class. However, true to our acquaintance, they saved me a seat. At the row behind us sits Meg and Ruby in their revealing black clothes, texting their lovers under the table. The last table seats Balthazar, in between Hannah and Hale. Those three are angels like me.I sit by Charlie and she smiles at me, asking, "So how's that slinky problem of yours?" It's our code name for my orientation."Actually, not terrible. I finally managed to get one." I say, winking. She gasps and her eyes widen."Oh my god, Castiel!!! Who? I mean, where? Oh, fudge it." She says loudly. Then, "Mr Jimmy, can Castiel and I get something from our lockers?" Mr. Jimmy nods and Charlie is off.Charlie grabs my hand, pulling me outside to my locker. I wince as I think about what just happened here, but I don't get the chance to dwell on it. "Castiel, tell me! Now!" Charlie squeals like the complete fangirl she is."Ok, well, his name is Dean." I start before I am cut off."Wait, as in the Dean? Dean Winchester? I didn't know he was a slinky enthusiast as well!" Charlie squeals yet again. I nod and continue."He's amazing. I don't really know how to describe him. Actually, I have a picture if you would like to see." I say shyly. "YES!" Comes my reply. I take out my phone and show her the picture of him kissing me on the cheek those many nights ago."Castiel! Oh my gods yes! Good choice, might I add. Seriously, if I wasn't a flaming lesbian... Damn! Did Cassie get some?" Charlie asks excitedly."Charlie! No, I did not! Anyway, we aren't on the best of terms at the moment. I said something stupid." I answer glumly, tearing up a little."Castiel, what happened?" Charlie asked in a more subdued voice."Crowley and Abby were going to beat me up, as usual, but Dean came before they could. I don't know why I did it! I'm so stupid!" I start to cry, shoulders shaking."Come here, Castiel. Come on, it can't be that bad. Just tell me what happened." She says, enveloping me in a hug."I pushed him away. He tried to help and I pushed him away! He broke up with me, I don't know what I'll do. Charlie, he told me he will never love me." I say, full on crying now. Dean was basically the only one keeping me from offing myself. Even Charlie and Gabe weren't able to get through to me before him."Oh, Castiel! Don't worry, I'll help you get back together with him. Destiel will happen again. Just don't do anything stupid. I'm gonna help you get your slinky back!" Charlie says, letting me go and smiling at me. "Great. Now that that's over with, spill. Give me all the details!" She squeals, going back into fangirl mode. That lunatic will never cease to amaze me. DEANI can't believe Cas would do that! I was just trying to help him, but no. Yeah right he can take care of himself. The kid can't even survive a day without getting beat up! Ugh, why couldn't he just let me help? I mean, I shouldn't have said that, I really shouldn't, but I couldn't help it! He seemed so honest when he said he didn't need me that I had to do something."Hey, brother!" I hear a voice call from behind me."Benny!" I reply after turning to see my best friend."I've got a favor to ask you" Benny says, catching up to me. I push down my anger at Cas and reply,"Whatcha need, brother?""I'm having a party t'morrow night. Do me a favor and spread the word, will ya?" I smile at Benny. His parties are always kickass, all loud music and drinking and dancing. Not to mention the girls... Yeah, girls are great, but... Cas.. I need to get my mind off of him. I mean, it was I that broke up with him!"Sure, Benny. I'd love to. Want me to help you set up?" I reply after a second."That would be great! See ya then, man!" Benny calls, running off to find his partner of the week.
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CAS Classes the next day went by with the usual taunting and boredom, except Dean still ignored me. I exit the building, thankfully without another beating, and walk home quickly. Charlie promised to call after school to talk about Dean, and to help me make a plan. God I hope it works! "Ok Cassie, here's the plan. There is a party at Dean's friend Benny's house t'morrow night and you are going. You're gonna come to my house before and I will take you shopping. Then, I'm gonna make you look totally badass and sexy. Dean won't be able to resist you! After that, I'll leave you with him. Then all you have to do is lean in and let the magic happen!" Charlie practically screams over the phone in excitement. "That sounds like it could work... But Dean is probably already over me! I'm forgettable, and it won't be the first time." I say nervously. "Oh shut it! You're perfect! Cassie, we both know that I'd be dating you, if we weren't both raging homosexuals. Come on! Lighten up, sourpuss!" She says. "See you in the morning." "Bye, bitch!" I hang up. I lay back in bed and think. Maybe the plan could actually work.. -MORNING- My alarm blares and I shoot up in bed. Today is the big day, I'm going to try to win Dean back. Throwing the blankets off of me, I run to the bathroom. I have to hurry and get ready, I'm meeting Charlie for the dreaded day of shopping in an hour. I absolutely HATE shopping. I rush when showering, almost forgetting to rinse out my hair. When I am finally ready, I go to get dressed. I put on my usual black jeans and black hoodie, covering as much as possible with my trench coat, and give up on my hair. It just refuses to conform to the rules of gravity. Finally, I am ready to go. I force myself to grab a piece of toast, remembering what Dean said. Even if he doesn't care anymore, I won't give up on getting better. Spite is a powerful motivator, I guess. Not to mention, eating well for the past four weeks has become a habit that my body is reluctant to give up on. "Heya Cassie!" Charlie opens the door in a pair of pink sweatpants and a Harry Potter shirt. "Hey Charlie. What's up?" I reply. "Just finished my Harry Potter marathon. I was up all night! 22 and a half hours put to good use, might I say. And don't worry, I've stayed up for three days straight totally fine with a Doctor Who marathon. Didn't even finish Eleven! I passed out; what a waste. Come in, lemme just tidy up." Charlie responds. I give her a confused look but come inside. How can that girl stay up and still be this peppy? Ten minutes later Charlie hops out of her bathroom in a pair of jeans and a Hobbit shirt, flaming red hair tied up in a pony tail. "Ready?" I ask. "Hells yeah! Geronimo!" She replies, running through the doors and out of the house. I roll my eyes and follow her, getting into the passenger seat of her bright yellow buggy. DEAN "Dean!" I hear Sammy yell. "Ugh" I reply. It's nine in the morning! "Dean, Benny called! Said you should, and I quote, 'get your ass awake and get ready for my effing party'!" Sammy calls up to me. I jump out of bed. I rush and put on ripped jeans, a black tight shirt, and my leather jacket. Gotta look good for the distractions, I mean, for the girls. I do my hair and decide to make my wings look extra special. I fluff them up and spread them out, thankful that Sammy is so good with a needle and thread. I pull my wings back close to me and run downstairs, grabbing a plate from Sammy's hands. "Hey, that was mine! Jerk!" Sammy yells, gesturing to the plate. "Sucks to be you, Bitch!" I reply. I pile the plate high with food and quickly shove my face. Luckily, Father isn't home to yell at me for being messy. I finish quickly and grab my bag, which is now filled with party decorations and a list of songs to play. "See ya Sammy!" I call to him, rushing out the house. "Bye Dean! And it's Sam! Sammy is the name of an eight year old girl." comes my reply. I roll my eyes and shut the door, only to open the door to Baby and hop in. I smile at the feel of the leather and drive off to Benny's house.
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CAS "Charlie this is the, like, twentieth outfit I've tried on! Are we done yet?" I ask, coming out of the changing room yet again. "OMG Cassie it's perfect! Dean won't be able to resist you! We are buying this one. And when you wear it, remember to puff your wings out. I've seen Gilda do it, trust me it's hot." Charlie squeals. "Really?" I ask, relieved and a little upset. I look myself up and down. It's almost exactly like my usual style, but Charlie won't let me use my trench coat to cover it up. Apparently I had 'hella fine fashion sense' in the first place. All she had to do was get me shoes and something other than hoodies and plain t-shirts. Charlie nods and I go back into the dressing room to redress. I leave and hold the new clothes in my arms, tugging at the sleeves of my trench coat like I do when I am nervous. Charlie pulls my hand and we go to the register, buying the clothes. I hope this works. We then go to a salon and get the special something that Charlie didn't even have to convince me to get because I've been wanting one for a while. I'd just been too scared of what people would think to get one, but she said I would actually look hot with it. Cool. "Ok, I'm going to go get the stuff to accessorize you. You can stay here and buy me that Sherlock Death Frisbee I want. Here's twenty bucks, see ya in a sec!" Charlie yells before running off. I look at the money in my hand and walk into the store to buy her the cap. Charlie comes running back a few minutes later and we trade bags, then go to her car and drive to her house to get ready together. DEAN I pull the last speaker onto the makeshift stage in Benny's cleared out living room with a grunt. Plugging it in, I remember the first party I went to at Benny's house. We are actually very alike. Benny has a bit of a soft side, too. I smile at the memory of dancing and getting drunk, having the most fun I'd had in a while. "Dean?" Benny calls from the kitchen, snapping me out of my daydream. "Huh?" I reply, finishing with the speaker. "We are ready to go" he replies. I wander into the kitchen and see a few ice boxes of beer, some wine coolers, and a few bottles of vodka. I decide against the vodka for my celebratory drink, pulling out a beer. Benny does he same and we clink to finishing, taking a sip. -PARTY- The room wavers a bit and I stumble. The girl I'm dancing with, Lisa from the first day, laughs with me. She's wearing some quite revealing clothing, that being the reason I chose to dance with her. Could be a good distraction from Cas.. I twirl her around and turn, scoping out the room once more. Suddenly, my breath hitches. Cas. Oh my god he looks handsome. And... Different. Cas is wearing probably the sexiest outfit made. Tight black ripped jeans, a super hot tight black shirt, combat boots, surprisingly a bar piercing through his eyebrow and a ring on his lip (hot hot fucking hot), blue fucking tips on his damn sex hair, and his trench coat is slung across his arm. 'Wow' is all I can think. Then he looks over. Quickly, acting on drunken impulse, I pull Lisa in and kiss her full on. I hear a gasp but continue, Lisa happily playing along. Lisa and I pull apart, breathless, and continue dancing. I have the urge to drink again, so I pull us over to the kitchen. It's crowded, full of drunken teens. I get us each yet another beer and practically chug mine, feeling the fizz of it going down my throat. It doesn't help ease the feeling I got from Cas. CAS My heart shatters as I watch Dean kiss some slutty girl right on the mouth, his hand brushing against her practically exposed rear end. I look at Charlie and she gasps. I feel tears well up in my eyes, but Charlie has other plans. "Cassie, we are going to stay here and have a great time without that jerk. Come on, let's get a drink." She says, pulling me with her to the kitchen. However, I'm stopped by Meg. She looks slightly drunk but mostly sober. "Hey Castiel. Seems I miss judged you. You're one hot potato, sweet cheeks. Love the hair. How about you and I get a drink?" She says, flirting. I look at Charlie and she nods encouragingly, mouthing something about slinkies and rulers. I follow Meg to a bar area between the kitchen and the dance floor. "So Clarence" Meg starts. "It's Castiel" I say. "Oh Clarence, would it kill you to watch tv?" She asks. I just look at her. "Anyway, Clarence, how did you suddenly get so hot?" Meg asks, sitting quite close to me. I look at her, sitting in her revealing black mini skirt and top, and shrug, saying, "I guess I just learned how to shop?" She laughs like I said something funny, which I didn't know I did, and says, "Wow Clarence, you sure are funny. How is that whole gay thing working out for ya?" I bristle and say, "Not well." Then, deciding to do what Dean seems to have done, I say "I think I might try something new. Wanna experiment?" Man, I guess those shots earlier really got to my head. Meg looks at me, surprised, then smiles. "Sounds good." She replies. She pats my leg and tells me to wait here before popping up and waltzing away. She comes back with a whole tray of shots, saying "Let's play a game. Every time Balthazar kisses someone, take a shot." I agree against my better judgement, it is a party. Soon enough, all of the shots are gone and Meg is in my lap. The room is swaying and we are laughing. I drag Meg to the dance floor and to the corner, stumbling. We reach a wall and I swiftly turn us around, pushing her against it and kissing her roughly like I've seen Balthazar do. Meg kisses back and I run my fingers through her hair. I think of Dean but push him out if my mind. I'm kissing Meg as a distraction, but I might as well get into it. I put my other hand on her waist and rub my finger under the hem of her shirt, feeling her smooth skin against my thumb. DEAN I see Cas kissing Meg intensely against a wall and my heart breaks. Sure I did the same thing, but Cas looks really into Meg. They have been talking and drinking all night! Maybe he is over me, or never liked me. Fuck, time to drown it all in alcohol.
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DEANI wake up with a pounding headache, all alone. I find myself in my room, tangled up in the sheets. In flashes, I remember parts of what happened last night. Kissing Lisa, finding Cas, seeing Cas with his wings draped over Meg and kissing her like there was no tomorrow, and- and seeing them stumble off together. My heart breaks again as I think about it. No, I was the one that broke up with him. I have no right to feel sorry for myself over my damn mistake.I get out my phone and call Benny to ask him if he can hang out. My stupid wings are all sticky from last night, so I will have to take an extra long shower.In the shower, the warm water rushes over my tense and grimy body. I am never able to stretch out my wings at home, so I seize the chance now. I expand my wings and black surrounds me, the limbs large enough to encase me in the shower. Sighing, I run my fingers through the feathers and clean them one by one. The black feathers remind me of Cas's, and my heart tugs with a nostalgic mixture of fondness and melancholy.I pull my wings back when I am finished and quickly wash my hair, pushing Cas out of my mind. I steal one of Father's beers, both out of habit and boredom. One day he will find out that I'm stealing them, but what is the worst he will do? Beat me? Been there, done that. The buzz is worth it.I check on Sammy and find him reading some book on his bed like a nerd. I smile and close the door, going downstairs. I hear Father and instinctively pull my wings close and put on a blank face. A bottle smashes and I know that he is drunk. I go downstairs, praying to a God I don't believe in that he won't stop me on my way out of the house. I'm right about one thing, God doesn't exist."Dean!" Father yells."Yessir" I reply in a quiet voice."Speak up when you address me, Boy. Basement, now!" He screams back. I send Benny a text on my way down saying I have to cancel and pray he doesn't ask why.The last thing I hear before I hurry down the stairs is the clink of a bottle and the creak of Sammy's bedroom door.CASI woke up in bed with the worst headache I've ever had. I look at the time and find that it is almost noon. I've never slept in this late, but then again I've never been to a party. My left wing is all sticky and my mouth tastes like ass. Groaning and wincing as I sit up, I blearily look around. Something catches my eye on my hand and I look. A phone number, a girl's. A girl that, according to the Sharpie message, refers to herself as 'my girlfriend'. I think back to the last thing I remember about last night.After a bit of pondering, I remember my kiss with Meg. I guess she is my girlfriend, then. So the number on my hand is hers. Well, at least I'm not alone, I think to myself as I get dressed. I'm wearing all of my clothes from last night, barely disheveled, so surprisingly my honor is still intact. That worked out for me, if nothing else.
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DEANThe beating was fairly light today, compared to usual. My wings weren't hooked up to the chains, but rather were allowed to be strapped down against my back with two leather belts. Father only punched and cut me, reopening the foul scars on my stomach. I am thankful that Father went light today, because I am planning on begging Cas to go out with me again.Father leaves and I stumble up the stairs, trying to unstrap my wings. I can't, however, because the buckles are in the back and he strapped my arms down with them."Sammy!" I yell, hoping he is awake. I hear some heavy steps and then the shaggy figure if my little brother enters the room."Dean, why do you let him do this to you? I've seen you beat the living shit out of literally every one of my bullies, why not Father?" Sammy says, starting to undo the belts."Because I can't. You've seen Father when he is like that, nothing can stop him." I reply. Sammy just nods and finishes undoing the belts.It is only when Sammy stands up that I notice how sad he looks."Sammy, what's going on with you?" I ask. He turns around and shakes his head."Samuel Winchester tell me what is wrong. Now." I demand. I can't deal with my little brother being in pain."Dean, Sara moved away last night. Her dad got a job in Greece and she had to move with her family. We couldn't do a long distance relationship because our families can't afford the long distance calls, so we broke up." Sammy cries. I haven't seen him this upset since we moved away from Jess, he is probably even worse now. I get up and go over to hug him. Poor Sammy, why do all of these bad things always happen to him? I try to protect him and it only backfires or fails. I am the failure, not him. First I failed Cas by letting us break up, now I'm failing Sam by not making enough money to let him stay with his girlfriend.Sammy gets up and walks away to his room. I let him go fix things on his own. I have my own mess to clean up with Cas before I can do anything else.CAS"Yeah Meg, let me just get ready" I say, shoving the phone between my shoulder and my cheek as I attempt to put on a pair of ripped black jeans. My foot slips thought one of the rips in the knee. "Of course, Clarence. Pick me up at one." Meg drawls in her Southern accent. I hang up and get ready. One is in two hours, but it is a date. A date with one of the most popular girls at my school, though. Shit how am I supposed to do this? Girls? Oh fuckballs what do I do? I try to psyche myself up with some music while I finish getting dressed, going to Mikey's bathroom to snag Hale's eyeliner pencil that she keeps there. I run back into my room and carefully outline my eyes in the inky black pencil. I'm surprised at how good it makes me feel, like I'm going against everything yet not in a bad way. I feel different, better. I wonder what Dean would think of this... Oh well, I won't be seeing him until Monday. Still, I just can't stop thinking about him.Suddenly, my doorbell rings. My heartbeat skyrockets and I drop the eyeliner pencil, slipping on a pair of shoes as I run downstairs."Hello Clarence, how wonderful to see you," Meg drawls. I wonder if that's her real accent. "Hello Meg" I reply, nervously running my tongue along my new lip piercing. Apparently she thinks this is an invitation to start kissing me, because the next thing I know her lips are on mine. I kiss back and think, What if this was Dean?' Somehow my thoughts went to kissing him and I subconsciously deepen the kiss, lifting her under the legs and slamming her into the wall. She replies eagerly with more kisses and suddenly we are making out. I am the first to pull away. Meg is breathing heavily, as am I, when we are finished."How did you learn to do that?" Meg asks curiously. I shrug and pull on what I hope is a seductive smirk. Wow I must be good at this, because Meg, the hottest girl in school who can make a thirty year old truck driver blush, blushes herself. If only this was Dean.DEAN"Charlie? Hey, it's Dean. You wanna help me out with something today?""Sure! Come over now, I'm just finishing up re-watching Sherlock." I hang up, get ready, and begin the short drive to her house. I called Charlie about an hour after Sammy went off with Gabe to Penelope's house- Gabe and Penny are super close already, and Penny has a sister named Ruby, so Gabe dragged Sammy over to try and get him to loosen up. I let him go , advising him to be safe and shouting a joking warning to use protection that earned me no humor from my moping brother. Charlie agreed to let me come over and vent to her, then make a plan so I can, quote, 'Get off my crusty ass and go get some with the love of my life.' Ok, Charlie. I arrive at Casa Charlie and ring the bell. "Gimme exactly two minutes and thirty four-three- seconds, Deanie!" I hear Charlie call. I chuckle to myself at her geekosity and wait. "Hola, Bitch!" Charlie says, yanking open the door and ushering me inside."Charlie, how did you know it was me?" I ask."Hacked into your phone, linked it to mine, camera activated, easy peasy. You should really use a password other than Cas." Charlie says. I nod and quickly change my password, causing Charlie's phone to buzz. She looks down, types about eight billion things in under a minute, and shows me her phone. It is a live video feed coming from my phone's now activated camera."How did you do that?" I ask. She is creepy good."You learn things from shows like Sherlock and endless hours on the Internet. Now, come in young one! What ails you, good handmaiden?" Charlie slips into an old timey English accent."Handmaiden?" I question, raising my eyebrows and trying to contain a smile."Yeah, first thing that came into my mind. Anyway, answer me peasant!" Charlie demands.I tell Charlie everything and she sits there, thinking. All of the sudden I feel a sharp pain in my cheek. She slapped me! "Dude!" I yell."First, I'm not a dude. I'm your queen. Second, you dumbass! Winchester, you got yourself into this shit. What possessed you to be so stupid? Castiel is an amazing angel and deserves better than you! What, you think that you can just leave him like this? That you can give up so easily?" Charlie yells at me, her face turning almost as red as her hair. Wow, who knew she was so protective of Cas? Anyway, I really am sorry, but it isn't in my nature to forgive anyone. That's what Father taught me."Charlie, I know I was stupid. Cas is perfect. God, I'm such an asshole!" I groan, putting my head in my hands and tugging frustratingly at my hair. After a few seconds of silence I whisper, "Charlie, I think I love him." Charlie looks at me for a second and nods solemnly."Yeah, I guess I should have expected that. Honestly, I think I knew by the way you talked about him earlier. When are you going to tell him? Wait, what about Meg? That bitch, breaking up my OTP!" Charlie goes from resigned to optimistic to pissed all in the span of a couple sentences, making my head spin and my stomach ache with stress."Charlie, can you stop fangirling for one minute of your life and help me? I'm having a crisis!" I beg."Sorry. We need a plan. We need to make Destiel canon." Charlie says, settling on an emotion: determined. Time to mend things with Cas before my heart explodes or Charlie kills me in a fit of fangirl-induced rage at my dumbass decisions. It's gonna be a hard year.
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Hey everyone! So, it's been a fuckin minute. Doctor's appointments galore, my queer ass is real damn lonely, and lots of other shit has gone down. Please excuse my extreme writer's block, I PROMISE I haven't abandoned this fic. I'll be posting a chapter that's been in the works for a while now later today, but thought I should explain myself. Anyway, the middle of this fic has been bothering the shit outta me, so here's a crappy synopsis of what I wanted to write for the part that comes next.There is going to be a BIG TIME SKIP of about a month between the chapter that I last posted and the chapter that I plan to post today. Here's what happens in that month:Cas and Meg are still in a relationship, Cas is back to cutting but stayed free of his eating disorder. Heis no longer bullied at school because he is dating Meg, but he and Meg have a super fucked up power dynamic and she is slightly abusive (will expand upon this part in the rest of the fic.)Dean is sleeping around because he is depressed about Cas and is handling it the only way he knows. Yay for hypersexuality fueled by childhood trauma...Sam is super depressed and suicidal, and has been hooking up with Ruby Bad-Fucking-Influence Cortese. John has been gone for the entire month on a 'business' trip. Gabe broke up with Penelope mutually, and is happily out and proud with his realization that he's really just gay as fuck. Penelope's sexuality is up in the air for me right now but we will see how that plays out.Sorry about this shitty overview, I may get around to writing this in a less hectic future, but for now it's all I got. Thanks for all of your support!
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DEANIt has been one month. One FREAKING month. It may not seem like very long, but to me it is an eternity. It's been one whole fucking month of trying to drown out the pain with booze, babes, and... more booze. But I don't want this. I can't live my life running from how I feel and from what I want-no, what I need- forever. Still, Cas doesn't want me. So I have to move on. I have to find someone who will love me, or at least want me as more than a fucking toy. I have to get over Castiel.CASI've been trying to be happy with Meg, but how can I be happy when she isn't him? I've long past stopped trying to feel like I don't deserve this abuse, because I do. I pushed Dean away, and this is my karma. Dean has definitely moved on, he's slept with over half of the cheerleaders and at least two guys on his football team. Meg is the best I've got in my life nowadays, and she says very often that she loves me. When I don't reply, I'm greeted with another sharp sting on my cheek, or tears. All I do is cause someone to hurt, whether it's me or my girlfriend or fucking everyone I've ever met. So, I reply the same, lying through my teeth that I love her, until I start to believe it. The last part hasn't come yet, but I pray it will soon. Because if I love Meg, I'm over Dean. That's what I need.DEANI walk through the front door of my house and carefully peak into the living room, pulling my wings close. I let out a breath when I see that Father isn't home, and I sprint up the stairs into my and Sammy's room. I shut the door behind me and turn around. I'm shocked by what I see. My baby brother is sitting on his floor bleeding from cuts in his arms next to a tear soaked note, holding a bottle of pills."De," he whispers, voice cracking. "I just can't. I can't k-keep going, I can't keep doing this. I just can't. " Sammy says. I can physically feel my heart shatter as I look at him, a few tears leaking down my cheeks."Sammy don't. No, no please. It's ok, Sammy, it's ok, I swear. C'mon, baby brother, it's ok, please," words tumble from my lips, I can feel myself shaking my head as I creep slowly toward him, unable to figure out if my fear or his skittishness is holding me back.Sammy presses himself impossibly closer toward the wall he is propped up against, eyes darting toward the exit as I move toward him. He looks like a fucking abused puppy."There is so much more to live for! Think of me. Think of Gabe, what would he think? Please, don't do this. Sammy." I start out loudly but end up whispering his name. I'm so damn exhausted, it feels like my limbs are lead and my breath is being pushed from my lungs. Fuck."Gabe doesn't care about me, neither do you. You haven't seen me enough in the past month to think I was even remotely not ok. I'm not even an angel like you, Cas, and Gabe. I'm so alone. Sara's gone, and Ruby left me, and she's the only one who could've loved a fuck-up like me. I'm unloveable! Just let me die!" Sam shouts, finally managing to uncap the pills.This pulls me out of my stupor and I rush forward, easily pulling the pills out of my brother's blood-soaked and shaky hands. Sammy starts sobbing into my shoulder and I hug him tightly, trying to keep him together with the strength of my arms alone."Please Sammy, don't do this. I know Sara loved you, and I do care about you, Gabe does too. Even Cas! We care so much! Don't leave the people who love you most in the world. I love you, Gabe loves you, everyone who has every talked to you loves you. You aren't unlovable, you are the opposite. Don't believe a word that lying bitch said, I won't let her hurt you anymore. Ruby's gone, Sammy, she's never coming back. I'm here now. Please don't leave us." I say gently.Sam sobs and says, "Dean I won't. Please, just-" I never figure out what he was going to ask me, because right then Sammy falls unconscious from blood loss. Still crying, I pull Sammy gently into his bed and tuck him in, leaving his arms out. For a while I just stare at them, wondering how I didn't notice that he was in so much pain that it made him want to end it all. I push my emotions aside, machine, and care for his wounds, useless, as he has done for me since he could understand that red meant wrong, cuts should be closed, big brother should not hurt. With quivering fingers and a heavy heart, I stitch my baby brother up and check him over again for injuries. I can't remember the last time either of us has been to a hospital, and I am fleetingly, ironically, laughably grateful to Father for having taught both of us basic emergency care. I gently place compression sleeves over his arms, forcing his body to contain its blood and skin and sadness. Through all of this, Sammy still lies unconscious on his bed, gently snoring and drooling onto his pillow.Something snaps inside of me as I look at him. Sharp red, not liquidy or shimmering like the puddles on the wooden floor, flares in my vision, and I let the anger take over. I punch the wall, hard, causing Sammy's dumb fucking periodic table poster to fall off of it.I remember when he got that dumb thing; three towns over and a handful of years ago, back when he had bangs, a secret Taylor Swift obsession, and a whole galaxy of stars in his eyes. He asked for it every day for five months after he saw that damn thing on one of his science teachers' walls. I finally managed to buy one, made sure it was brand fucking new because my little brother deserves an entire world, much less a fucking print of some damn elements. Took a week and a half of working the corner, embracing smeared lipstick smiles and letting greasy fingers weave through my wings and hair and ass and- oh. Right, not the time. Sammy's barely escaped bleeding out on his own damn floor and you're over here bitching about the past, about not being good enough to earn the money for this fucking periodic table without whoring yourself out like you're still doing now, but not even for money anymore. Man the fuck up, Winchester. I tear my eyes away from the poster and go back to punching the wall, letting out my frustration and grief and self-loathing in painful bursts of energy. By the time I'm done, the wall has a few holes in it and my hands are stained red with blood. Tears stream down my cheeks and I feel more weak than I ever have.Pull yourself together, soldier. I move mechanically, all emotion drained out of me through the blisters on my knuckles and the cuts in my baby brother's arms. The puddles are the first to go. The stains are wiped away, leaving only the sharp smell of bleach in the air and the dull stinging of it in my hands. Probably should've worn gloves.The first aid kit is next, being swept under the bed as I empty the garbage can into the bin out back. No evidence of today, no more memories, please just let me forget. Finally, the clothes he was wearing. Ruined his goddamn NASA shirt, the idiot. Gonna have to buy him another, the red stains won't come out of the white fabric and he can't be reminded of this every day and why didn't you notice he wouldn't have had to ruin this damn shirt why did you have to ruin his life?I clench my jaw so tightly I feel the tendons pop and return to the room, desperate for something to fix, something to clean. Nothing is left but the holes in the wall. All of the sudden, I don't have the energy. I decide to go to bed.
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DEANI wake up to the blare of my alarm, the mechanical beeping rousing me from a surprisingly restful sleep. For one blissful moment, I forget the events of yesterday; then, it all comes crashing down. I feel the burn of my blistered knuckles dragging across the bedsheets, one of the scabs popping off and falling delicately onto the mattress below. My bare feet hit the floor and all emotion drains into the cold, hard ground. With single-minded focus, I walk slowly toward Sammy's room, blank eyes scanning the hallway for any damage. Negative. The door creaks open and I find him still sleeping, his long legs flailed like a discarded ragdoll beneath his sheets, his long hair tousled with one little strand blowing every time he breathes out. I feel a tug at my heart at the sight, and immediately I flee the room to find breakfast.The fridge holds a loaf of bread, an egg carton with one lonely tenant, and a six pack of beer. The freezer is empty save for a half-full pack of freezer burnt tater tots. I grab a beer and a slice of bread. Selfish, Sammy needs all the food he can get. You don't deserve this, you ungrateful asshole. I put the bread back and plan to leave my night open tonight. I've got to re-stock this damned house. Sammy is going to stave because of you, boy. Get your ass in gear, what, you think you can just live here for free? Fucking skate by without working? Get yourself together. CASFor the first time in months, I don't wake up to my alarm blaring. Sadly, this is because I wake up screaming and gasping for air after a particularly bad nightmare. Look on the bright side, Cas. At least you don't have to hear your alarm. I roll out of bed without bothering to check my hair in the mirror, tugging on the same black jeans as last night and a random black shirt from my floor. I wince at the pain in my wrists as I put on a fuzzy black sweater in lieu of my usual trench coat, letting the sleeves fall over my fingertips. I run my tongue along my lip piercing, a habit that I picked up when I first got it, and decide that brushing my teeth this morning is just too much work. I drag myself down the stairs to find Gabe sitting at the counter, eating a lollipop even though it is just past seven in the morning. "Sup, bro," Gabe yells. I flinch at the noise. "Hey, Gabe. Don't you have to be with Sam or something?" I know it's harsh, but I'm in a fucking bad mood and don't want to deal with Chipper Gabe. Gabe blushes and I remember his not-so-subtle crush on Sam, the same one that drove him and Penelope to break up. He's openly gay now, but he still won't admit to his crush. "Yeah, but Dean-o said he was sick when I called like half an hour ago, so you're stuck with me." "Fine. Well, I'm not doing shit today, so you can either come watch movies with me or you can shut the fuck up and go hang out with your other hundred friends. Yeah?" I roll my eyes at him. Shut up, dumbass. What, are you going to just push away all of your friends now? Too good for companionship now? I wilt a little at the lost look on Gabe's face. "Shut the fuck up, Grumpy Gus. Let's watch some motherfucking Iron Man." This is why I love Gabe more than any of my other siblings. Gabe has learned how to manage my pissy moods; I can tell it still hurts him when I act like this, but we both know I can't stop being a douche when I'm in these moods, and he knows how to take it all in stride. We spend the next few hours watching all three Iron Man movies, since Gabe knows that Iron Man is my favorite. He talks the entire fucking time, complaining about how much of an asshole Obie is, and how Harley deserves just as much parenting and love as Peter gets in the later movies. You don't deserve him. When we are about to discuss watching another movie, Gabe gets a text from Dean and excitedly tells me that he is allowed to come see Sam now. He very obviously tells me to get my ass over there with him to talk to Dean, and I decide that if I am ever going to be over him, I need to hang out with him and at least treat him like an acquaintance. Plus, our brothers will probably end up getting married or some shit, and then I'll be stuck with him. DEANSammy woke up about an hour ago begging for Ruby, and dad still isn't home, and I have begun to truly backslide into overwhelmed territory. When Sammy wakes up again, he looks at his bandaged arm and breaks into a new set of tears that only cease when I offer to text Gabe. A brick settles in my stomach as I realize that without that hyperactive dork, Sammy might already be dead. I discover just how long I have zoned out when the doorbell pulls me from my thoughts. Shockingly, I find Cas standing beside Gabe on the other side of the door. Cas, in the same clothing as those weeks ago at the party. Cas, looking devastatingly handsome in black eyeliner and sleep-mussed hair. My Cas. "What are you doing here?" I ask rudely."I, uh, I came to talk to you. Um, I know there's nothing going on between us anymore, but , uh, maybe we could still be friends? I did enjoy talking with you," Cas says, shifting his feet nervously. "Yeah, whatever, Come on in." Cas nods and flicks his tongue across his lip ring, unknowingly making me focus on something much more attractive than my nerves. I feel my nails bite into my palms. Gabe runs up the stairs immediately, leaving me and Cas standing in a room rapidly filling with awkward silence. "So, uh, how are things with you and Meg?" I ask. Dammit, what the fuck? Why would I ask that? Now I have to listen to him talk about his girlfriend. "They're good," Cas replies. I watch as he pulls at a stray thread on his sleeve, looking everywhere but at me. "Good.""How is Sam? Gabe hasn't told me anything." Cas breaks a moment of growing tension. Even with the energy growing between us, the uncomfortable tension and festering bitterness, I know I can trust Cas more than anyone in the world. I launch into the story, starting with Sara and ending with Ruby and her sick mind games. CASI subconsciously feel my own self-harm scars as Dean recounts the story, wondering if his reasons are similar to mine. "I'm so sorry, Dean," I whisper. He just nods and looks at the ground, growing quiet as he finishes. Gabe suddenly shoots down the stairs, fuming. "Why didn't he tell me? I could have helped! I could have done something! That little bastard! I'll get him back for this, I'll cut his hair! Fuck!" Gabe yells. He's completely red in the face, puffy eyes still leaking tears from either sadness or anger, probably both. "Gabe, I think that's a little insensitive," I say. "Fuck sensitivity! He needs to know that I give a shit!" "Please, Gabe. I just... I don't want my little brother to be like this. It's my fault, so can you guys just- just please go? Leave us alone?" Dean's shaky voice barely rises above Gabe's yelling, cutting him off. "Gabe, go. Cool down, text Penelope or something. Dean, I'm not leaving you like this. Give me a chance to help you," I assert. "Fine, but know that you can't do shit about this." I nod. It's going to be a long day.
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DEANCas and I have been talking all day, at first to distract me from Sammy, then to catch up with one another and try to be real friends."Hey, Cas?" I ask just as Cas is about to open the door and leave."Yeah?" He offers, turning around."Would you stay with me?" I know it sounds girly and lame, but Cas has really made me feel better."Of course, Dean." I think I hear him mumble something that sounded vaguely like 'always', but it's probably just wishful thinking."Thanks. I'll go get you a blanket, we can sleep on the couch." I say. Cas nods and I turn around and walk to my room to gather blankets. I return and Cas says,"Wanna watch Netflix?""Sure" I reply, my heart not really into it. We sit on the couch and I turn Netflix on while Cas bundles us both up in the blankets. I subconsciously wrap one of my wings around him, but he doesn't seem to mind. "What do you want to watch?" I ask once we are both settled in."Captain America?" Cas says uncertainly."Perfect." I reply. For the rest of the night Cas and I watch movies, concluding our impromptu movie night with Harry Potter. It's about 2 a m when we finish, but I still can't bring myself to sleep and Cas offers to stay awake with me. "So, what's your favorite Harry Potter?" I ask him, grasping at straws to find a normal conversation topic."My favorite movie is Goblet of Fire, but my favorite book is Prisoner of Azkaban. The movie didn't do it justice." Cas replies. I'm glad he is still the same nerdy Cas under those piercings, layers of black clothes, and smudged eyeliner. "Which is yours," he asks after a beat."I know it's really mainstream, but I love the Deathly Hallows, book and movies. But I absolutely HATE how Voldemort died in the movie." I say. Cas gasps and puts a hand over his heart,"Don't say his name!" he shrieks. We both break out in a fit of laughter. I love the sound of Cas's laughter, so I start to tickle him to keep it going."Ok, I surrender! Can't breathe!" Cas manages to wheeze. I stop and he glares at me, but soon breaks out in a huge grin to match mine. "I'm glad we are friends, Dean." Cas says."Me too," I reply, looking down at him still wedged below me on the couch from out tickle fight. I miss his bluer than blue eyes that are now shining from his adorable laughter, I miss our conversations about the anything and everything, and I miss the kisses laced with love and wonder. I never stopped loving him.I wake up to the sound of a door slamming. My head shoots up, but apparently Cas woke up too. Our heads bang together and I wince. "Ouch" Cas mumbles, his voice scratchy and rough from sleep. Fuck, that's hot. I notice that I'm still partially on top of Cas, our legs tangled together in a mess of sheets, black wings, and spilled 3 am popcorn. I look up and find Gabe waltzing in like he owns the place, thumbs latched under his rainbow suspenders."Woah, did I interrupt your make-up sex?" Gabe teases."Gabe!" Cas yells, throwing a couch cushion at Gabe. He barely dodges it and puts his hands up in mock surrender."Why are you here?" I ask through my teeth."Oh, just wanted to check on our local idiot. How's Sasquatch?" Gabe replies, trying to sound joking. Still, I saw a growing glaze of guilt and sadness in his eyes. I knew Gabe had a crush on Sammy, but now I'm thinking it could be more than a crush. Gabe is in love with my little brother."He's upstairs." Cas says, jerking me from my thoughts. Gabe nods and bounds up the stairs."What are we going to do with them?" I ask Cas."I don't know. Gabe might be able to help Sam." He replies warily. I nod and say,"What now?" Cas shrugs and responds with,"Lunch?" I realize that Cas and I slept until noon, which isn't surprising because we stayed up until 4 a m."Starving." I reply. Untangling our wings was hard, but once we managed that Cas and I left for lunch, yelling up to Gabe not to set the house on fire.CAS"So, Cas, how's Meg?" Dean asks. Truthfully, horrid I think. "Great!" I reply over-enthusiastically. I run my tongue over my lip piercing and hope he doesn't pick up on how fake I sound."Good" Dean mumbles. Just then, the waitress-Hannah- comes over to our table."Hey hun, what can I getcha?" asks the petite brunette with ugly brown wings, shoving her chest out at me. Ugh, I don't even roll that way! Ha, I think that when I have a girlfriend. Pathetic."Vanilla milkshake, babe" I say cockily, milking it for what it's worth. If Meg caught me cheating, we'd be done. God, I home she "catches" me. Hannah giggles and winks at me before directing her piercing gaze at Dean."I'll have the cherry pie" Dean says when she looks at him."Be right back" Hannah smirked and walked away, her short shorts barely covering her ass."Dude, you have a girlfriend" Dean says, raising an eyebrow."So? I've been trying to break up with that bitch for weeks." I say, the last part sliding out of my mouth without my consent. Dean just looks at me funny and nods. Great, now he probably thinks I'm a slut.Hannah comes back and bends over very low to put down my milkshake, revealing a frankly alarming amount of her cleavage. I see her look down an her breast pocket and a slip of paper is sticking out. Make him jealous, a little voice in my head sings. I smirk and pull the slip of paper out as she smiles. She straightens up and slides Dean his pie before leaving us, giving me a wink that was probably meant to be seductive. Dean smirks at me and I shrug, saying "She put it there!" On that note we dig in, but I can feel Dean looking at me differently.Once we are done eating I ask Dean if he wants to hang out at my place. For some reason I just can't beat the thought of leaving him right now. Thankfully, he agrees and drives us to my place.DEANI can feel my hands start to shake and curse myself. Why did I have to turn out just like my dad? Why couldn't I be normal? Why the fuck did I have to turn myself into an alcoholic? All of these thoughts run through my head in a matter of seconds and I look at Cas, trying to seem nonchalant, not at all like my hands are shaking from withdrawal and my stomach feels like it's eating itself. "Hey, Cas, you got any beer?" I question. My voice quivers on the first word and I tell myself to hold on, soon enough I'll feel the smooth alcohol warm my insides. I pray Cas didn't hear my desperation."Yeah" Cas says, looking at me like I just grew three heads. I haven't had anything to drink since I found Sammy, because I was watching him, and it's getting to me. By now I would have been drunk twice and banged someone. Why did I have to turn out to be such a whore? You look too fuckin' much like your mama, Pretty Boy.Cas hands me a beer and I take it, chugging it to replace the feeling of something much less pleasant sliding down my throat. I sigh a little and Cas looks kind of weirded out, but doesn't say anything. "So, what's up?" I ask. By now even three beers won't get me tipsy, so I'm not fazed. Still, it's enough to keep my hands steady and my stomach intact."I thought maybe we could catch up some more. You know, what's been happening in our lives." Cas says. I nod and he leads me up to his room, laying his back on the floor and putting his legs straight up in the air against his bed. I join him in his upside down position and observe his room. It's very bare- his bed has light blue covers slightly duller than his eyes, the white walls remind me fleetingly of an uncomfortable hospital room, and a mahogany desk sits nuzzled in the corner with a swirly computer chair. A door is on the left wall, a tiny sign in gothic letters reading bathroom.We commence a game of 20 questions, lying down to stare at the ceiling instead of each other as our feet try not to mingle against the footend of his bed
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CASWe're about two questions into our game of 20 Questions when Dean asks, "What is your obsession?" "Wow, uh, ok. Tattoos, I guess. I'm addicted to how they look, what makes them work, how to add a piece of your mind to a part of your body and allow the world to get a glimpse of your soul." Dean grunts in approval and I ask him the same question. Right away my answer comes,"I'm obsessed with Classic Rock and I'm proud!" Dean laughs. I laugh with him, our backs hitting my wooden floor. I bump his foot with mine against my bed and he nudges me back, turning his head to smile at me goofily. I have to clench one of my fists to keep my heart from beating out of my chest. We continue on until we each have two questions left. "Have you ever gotten a tattoo?" Dean asks me."Nope, sadly, but I have it all laid out. I drew it and everything. It's a collage, and it'll cover both of my arms, and a small part of my lower neck." I reply enthusiastically. It's true, my sketchbook is filled with detailed tattoo stencils for when I finally get mine."Wow. Show me when we are done, ok?" Dean says. I nod and ask my nineteenth question for him."What happened today with the beer?" I ask warily."Promise not to judge me or kick me out?" Dean asks nervously. I nod and we both sit up normally. "To tell the truth, my life recently has been kinda shit, okay? I get drunk every day, or at least drink, and in all honesty I've fucked more girls in the past month than a prostitute." Dean's voice quivers and he sits up next to me, crossing his legs under him like a little kid as he fiddles with his cuticles. "Do you want to know why, Cas?" Dean yells the question at me, and I notice with shock that his eyes are watering."Why?" I squeak out, too anxious to say anything else."Question twenty!" Dean yells sarcastically. But he answers. "I did this to myself because I fucking miss you, Castiel. I am so in love with you, but you don't care, do you? I'm not good enough anyway. I'm a screw up, an alcoholic, I'm worse than a fucking hooker cause I don't even get payed for hooking up with these girls. For fuck's sakes, I'm worthless. But I'm sure as hell not gonna quit. I'll just keep going, even if it's only to make you pay a shred of attention to me. Because otherwise, I don't know how I'll live." Dean yells, voice cracking as small, barely contained sobs punctuate his every sentence. Tears are streaming down both of our faces. "And now, I have my twentieth question. Do you love me too?" Dean whispers, his voice cracking."I-I.... Dean... Y-" My anxiety refuses to abate, and I can barely stutter out is name. I'm trying to answer, I really am, until Dean cuts me off."That's what I thought." He says, sounding broken. I try to stop him but before I know it he leaves my room and I can hear the front door closing. No, he can't leave. I love him.
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SAMMy phone chimes loudly at 2 am, startling me from my restless half-sleep on top of my bed, which Dean has stripped of sheets. It's a text from Ruby, bearing a picture of us, with a following message that reads, "No matter how useless you are, you can try to make it up to me. Maybe I could still love you."My whole body shakes as I read the words, tears blurring the bright blue glow of the screen until I can't read anything, can't see anything but a blur of blue white black red. I try to type back, bandaged forearms burning with the effort it takes to move my thumbs. What kind of fucked up idiot can't even text the love of his life back? What kind of loser are you that she, the one person who could ever love you, wants to leave you? I never manage to reply, not even a simple I'm sorry or please forgive me or I love you. My hands just won't fucking work, the mix of the pain and lack of coordination forcing me to drop my phone as my arms collapse inward toward the black hole of my heart within my chest. I feel my body start to tingle, pins and needles in my hands and feet and skull, and I let myself dissolve into memories.A WEEK AGO"Sammy! I'm so glad you're home, I missed you so much. Why were you gone for so long?" Ruby smiles, throwing her arms around my shoulders and pulling me down into a kiss by the back of my neck. Sure, it's a little rough, but that's just how she is. As long as I breathe through it, the pain will be over before I even know it. She's worth it, she loves me, and that's the best I'm ever going to get. From anyone.I'm yanked from my thoughts by teeth on my bottom lip, and I can't help but pull away when I taste metallic blood."Hey, Ruby! I missed you too. I was just with Gabe for a while, we were playing board games all day. I must've lost track of time," I say."Are you breaking up with me," Ruby calmly asks, more like a statement than a question. My heart drops. "What? No! God no, Ruby, never!" I respond quickly, my hands rising into a defensive pose as I curl in on myself, trying to make myself smaller. Fuck, Sam, don't you know that she hates feeling small? You giant fucking monster, stop using your height against her. Ruby starts crying, pulling at her beautiful curls and shaking her head. "I'm sorry I'm so worthless, Sam. You know that I can't stand to be away from you, you're the only thing I love. But I get it if you want to unburden yourself, I'll just take myself out of your hands." Her voice is quiet now, interrupted by sobs every so often. She turns away from me, all hunched in on herself, looking far smaller than the five feet that she is. My mind flashes to a week and a half ago, when I caught her in my room with a noose around her neck and one foot off of the stool just because I stopped at the bookstore for half an hour on my way home."No! No, Ruby! You aren't worthless, I'm the worthless one! I'm so sorry for making you feel like a burden, how do I fix it? Tell me what to do, Ruby, please. I'll do anything, I know you love me, you're the only one who loves me. I'll never leave you again," I say, words flowing out of me in a desperate rush."Oh, Sammy. You're so lucky to have me. For someone who memorized the whole periodic table, you are really so dumb when it comes to relationships. That's why I'm in charge. All I need is for you to be mine, be with me all the time so I can keep an eye on you. You aren't too stupid to do that, huh? "I find myself nodding, and her perfectly manicured nails scrape across my cheek as she wipes away my tears. Thank God she knows what to do. I'll never deserve her.She nudges my shoulder and we tumble backwards into her bed, her hands hooked around my neck as her short legs straddle my hips. When we first started dating, Ruby and I were like rabbits. It was exciting, being the center of attention, having someone look at me and only me, even if it was for a short while. Now, each moment is plagued with pain, her teeth bumping mine, her long nails digging into the sensitive skin on my neck and back and, and- Really? A teenage boy who can barely get hard from his own devoted, beautiful, amazing girlfriend. What a waste. "Ruby, I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood. Could we-" I start."Sammy, sweetie, just this once. This is your reward for being so good for me, be grateful. What, am I not pretty enough?" Ruby teases, a bit of venom sneaking into her voice at the last bit."Never, Ruby, you're so beautiful. It's not that at all." I say."Then what is it, Sammy? What, did the half-pint homo turn you into a fag? Are you fucking him instead of me?!" she yells, pounding her hands into my chest and leaping off of me, seething with rage.Next thing I know, I'm on my knees, sobbing for her to forgive me. "I'm so sorry, Ruby. I know you love me, I'm sorry I'm so useless, please forgive me. Please, I'll stop hanging out with Gabe. You can text him from my phone, I know you're better with words than I am. You know what's best for me, I trust you, if this is what it takes I will do anything. Please don't leave me! I'm sorry I'm so dumb, please!""Okay, sweetie. You're forgiven, I understand. You don't know better, you're so useless without me to guide you. Hand me your phone, baby. I'll handle everything." Ruby smiles that sweet way that she does when everything is going just right and stalks over to me, cupping my face in her left hand as her right types a message on my phone. She puts the phone down and I don't even bother to look up. I fleetingly realize that I'm still on my knees, and my foggy mind tries to atone by nuzzling my head against her stomach, my hands coming up to cradle her waist. She allows it, thankfully, and her hands in my hair feel a hell of a lot like redemption. I let her take over, let her lead me like my idiot brain never could, and submit. Like she always says, I'm so much more useful when she's in charge.NOWI come to at the sound of the door opening, Gabe coming in to see me. On instinct, I back away, scurrying toward my wall and pushing myself up against it and away from him, away from pain and atonement and please, Ruby, forgive me. Love me. Save me. GABEI walk into Sammy's room, ready to see him again for the first time since his fucking terrible choice to go and try to off himself. My words die in my throat as I watch this man, this boy, rip through his stitches and hit his head against his bed as he tries in vain to put as much distance between he and myself as possible."Sammy, c'mon kiddo, it's just me. It's just Gabe, I'm not gonna hurt you. Come out and talk to me, I'm here to help you, sweetie-" I get through about half of my rambling when Sam shrieks, tangling his overgrown hair in his now-bloody hands and heaving himself off of his bed and into the corner with a mix of painful grappling and offputtingly mechanical motions. His eyes go dark and his shoulders droop, making the six foot tall boy seem a hell of a lot more like a kid than I've ever seen. "Sammy?""I'm sorry, I'm sorry, forgive me, I'm so sorry" he mumbles, full body quivers tearing through his body like he's a folding chair caught in a storm. "I know you love me, I'm so sorry, forgive me, I'm better with you, I'll be better for you" he continues to say, nearly chanting under his breath as his eyes stare unseeingly at a wall, focused on an entity I can't see. "Sammich, buddy, it's Gabe. You're safe. Please tell me what this is about?" I try to use a soothing voice, creeping closer to him and finally sitting gently on the floor beside him. It takes what feels like hours for me to calm him, whispering soothing sounds that hopefully are just loud enough to drown out whatever he is hearing."Gabe?" He asks after a few minutes, voice scratchy from his panicked mantra."Heya, moose. Nice of you to join me. Care to tell me what that was about? Not mad, just curious.""I, uh, Ruby. Promise you won't get mad?" He says after a moment. I nod, and he continues. "She never hit me. She never laid a hand on me that I didn't ask for. I swear. She never hit me," Sam says, rushing through his words and refusing to look me in the eye."Ok. Ok, Sammy, I hear ya. I need you to tell me what she did do, though. Got it?" I ask quietly. "Boys can't get raped. They can't, I'm just dysfunctional. She had to do it, to fix me. Everything she did was to fix me. It's not her fault I'm so stupid when it comes to relationships. I had to atone, to make it up to her." Sammy says, finally looking me in the eye. There is a sort of determination there that is so out of place, he's defending her after all this. My blood runs cold at the implications of his words, my hands forming covert fists. But I can't say anything yet, can't interrupt him. He needs to get this out. "Nobody will ever love me as hard as she loves me, Gabe. Not a fuck-up like me. I just have to make myself worth her time."I finally interrupt him, unable to keep listening to this. "Sammy, you don't deserve this hate. You don't need to make anything up to her, she's a bitch and a fucking asshole, and she's wrong. You're so smart, kiddo. I love you, Dean loves you a fuck-ton, I'm sure even your deadbeat dad loves you a little bit. Because everyone you meet is enamored by you, you're so far from a fuck-up."Sam collapses into my arms, sobs wracking his body as he apologizes over and over again to a woman who isn't there. And I just hold on, comforting him, because anything I say now will fall of deaf ears. Whatever they had, it wasn't love.He passes out around the 3 pm mark and I let myself out, thinking with one last glance that he doesn't deserve this, I love him so much more than that dumb bitch, and I'll never try to change who he is.
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DEANI drive home recklessly and go straight to Father's liquor cupboard in the basement where I've been tortured so many times. I drink nearly an entire bottle of Jack before the effects hit me, making me feel blessedly drunk for the first time in days. My gaze flicks over to the knives on the table without my accord and I think, just once. One cut, to see what all of the fuss is about. Who knows, maybe one cut is all I need. I zig zag my way to the small table loaded with knives and other torture devices, picking up an extremely sharp dagger that father used to carve hatred into my stomach. I shuck my shirts and look at the knife.Worthless. I think of Cas's words from so long ago; It's pain to distract from pain, I guess. I look down at the scars on my stomach and decide to reopen them instead of creating new ones. No evidence of tonight that way, no reason for Cas to feel guilty. Even after all he's put me through I still want to protect him from the hurt I've been feeling for months. I hiss at the pain of the dagger dragging through my skin, but it makes me happy. I haven't felt happy in a long time. I carve into myself through that word over and over, going slightly deeper with each stroke. I smile as I look at the gashes, tears running down my cheeks and dripping onto my stomach, making my thick, red blood turn a tinted, watery pink. Soon, I feel myself get drowsy and stop, going up to the kitchen and bandaging my cuts with unnervingly steady hands. I put on a sweatshirt and I go back to the basement. I grab a bottle of vodka and a beer and stumble up to my room. Slowly but surely, I drink myself into a stupor.CAS POVI'm a fucking idiot! Dean asked me the one question I was hoping he would, and I froze. I'm sobbing on my floor, hands pulling my messy black hair. I yank harder and harder, craving pain. Pain to distract from pain. I stumble to my bathroom, sobs wracking my body. I take off my coat and shirt, then my jeans, leaving me in just my underwear. I turn on the water in my bathtub and get my blade out of the pocket of my fallen coat. I sit down and dig the razor into my skin. Ugly. Stupid. Disgrace. Worthless. I don't deserve to live, but as usual I am too much of a coward to end it. I start to think of Dean but it causes my heart to break yet again. I'm so stupid! I move on to my thighs when I run out of room on my arms, my cuts dripping into the water from all the way up my shoulders. Once the water is completely red and new scars are up to my shoulders and wrapping around my upper thighs, I finally stop. I dry off, drain the tub, and throw away the red stained towel before putting on black sweatpants and a grey hoodie. Then I go to bed.DEAN POVI wake up with the worst hangover I've ever had. I sit up and wince when the sheets rub against my stomach and look down at the damage. Worthless. My father was right, I am worthless. I should have just died in that fire. I roll out of bed and my head pounds, my vision clouding with velvety black. What will Sammy think? I wonder. Stupid. The kid's been through enough already, he can't find out. You're so selfish, so weak. So much for Winchesters being made of iron. I slowly make my way to the kitchen and down some pain pills with a beer. Not the best idea, but it can't hurt me now. I've been doing it practically every other day. I hate myself for it, but I can't stop. And then the worst thing- best thing, my traitorous, bloodthirsty mind mocks- possible happens. I hear my father enter the house."I hear you think you love that other Angel boy. You are an absolute disgrace! A useless, cowardly, tainted Angel!" He spits the word at me like it's a curse, shoving me down the stairs into a room where no one can hear him hurt me, a room where I hurt myself just hours before. I give in and let him pierce my wings with the sharp hooks, breaking through the soft, partially healed skin and muscle.I give in as he laughs at my clumsy work from last night, telling me I might just learn my lesson. I give in as he pulls the hooks apart anyway, engulfing me in pain. I give in as he drags the knife over my open scars, creating deeper lines in the word I remade last night. I just give in.
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CAS"Cas! Cas, come over NOW!" Sam's voice yells over the phone."What?" I ask shakily. What's the point of going to his house if Dean hates me? "It's Dean. He-he's hurt!" Sam sobs into the phone."I'm on my way!" I yell, feeling panic course through my body. I run to my car and drive recklessly to Dean's house. When I arrive, there is only one thing on my mind: Dean. "Where is he? What happened? How? Why? Where is Dean?" I question frantically, trying not to let my panic overtake me."B-basement. Don't make too much noise... John..." Sam stutters out, sobbing.I run downstairs and gasp.Shitcrapdamnshitfuckinghell.In a slumped pile a few feet away from me lies Dean, bloody and beaten, that foul word carved so deeply into his stomach that I don't think it will ever heal. The worst part is, above him hang two beautiful black wings, put to shame by the blood dripping from them onto Dean's newly wingless body below, baptizing him in the personification of his own pain.I quietly rush towards him, remembering Sam's warning from before. I crouch down with tears running down my face, assessing whether it would harm Dean if I lifted him. Slowly and carefully, minding the giant wing gashes that go from his shoulder blades to the middle of his back, I lift Dean into my arms and gently bring him up the stairs. He is completely unconscious and looks almost serene, save for my tears mixing with blood on his face.I gently place Dean onto his kitchen table where Sam set down towels in my absence. Thankfully, Dean is still unconscious and unable to feel the debilitating pain he must be in. Sam and I don't say a word as we roll Dean onto his stomach. "Stitches?" I ask, voice croaky from crying. Sam just nods and hands me a thin needle with strong black thread. He was prepared. We go back to our silent vow. As I sew up Dean's back, questions flow like hot lava through my head. How long has this been happening to Dean if Sam knows exactly what to do? Why did Dean's father go this far? Why did Deans father even do this? Why did I have to be so stupid? What would have happened had I just said yes?I finish with the hole from where Dean's right wing bone was ripped out and see that Sam's seemingly clumsy fingers have already expertly sewn up his left side and moved on to cleaning his face and the cuts. That brings me back to my first question, restarting the endless loop.He glances up and me and I somehow know that I should pick Dean up. I made the right choice, because Sam nods before placing pillows and rolled up towels onto the table so Dean can lie back down without his wing gashes touching the table. I mentally thank God for Sam's genius, and set Dean down. I break into a new round of silent sobs when I see the cuts on Dean's stomach. Sam has already sewn up the horrible word by the time I am done crying, but the tears wetting his face never cease to flow. Without warning, Sam breaks into loud, heaving sobs. I am surprised when he wraps me in a desperate hug, but I hug him back. We stand there for maybe hours, maybe minutes, hell, it could have been seconds. Then Sam pulls away, wipes his face, and puts on a blank mask. I don't know how he does it, but he looks just like his big brother in that moment. Then the cops come (did Sam call them?) and take away Mr. Winchester.DEAN POVMy first clear thought is that everything hurts. My second is, where am I? I rush to sit up and almost pass out again from pain. My back feels like it's been stabbed eight hundred times over, crushed and burned and broken and sliced. Then Cas walks in with the most broken look on his face, more broken than my back or my skull. When he sees I am awake, his look turns to sheer panic."Dean, you're awake!" Cas squeaks out unsurely."Yeah," I reply in a voice that was meant to be gruff but turned out raspy and weak. He immediately runs over and hugs me gently, and I wonder that happened to make him so worried. It couldn't have only been me, I'm not worth all of this fuss. Oh, God, no. He didn't hurt Cas or Sammy did he? What if he did? What if he killed Sammy, or Gabe? What if he killed both of them? What if- My thoughts are cut off by Cas yelling "Sam!" Well, at least he isn't dead. Sammy comes scurrying in with hope shining in his tired eyes. My shoulders sink with relief when my quick once-over proves that he isn't hurt, but a twinge of confusion clouds my mind when I realize that Cas is seemingly so worried just because of me.I quickly clench my jaw, keeping up my defenses as Sammy has yet to speak. He will be mad at me, he'll know about the scars and the alcohol and everything. How do you explain that to your suicidal little brother?My thoughts cut off as he runs to me and I flinch at the contact, only relaxing when I realize it is a hug not a hit. He looks concerned but I give him a shaky smile that makes him forget it. I've never been afraid of Sammy before...Cas stands awkwardly in the background and I gently push Sammy off. He sees the look on my face and nods, sending me a wink before leaving. Great, now Sammy knows too.Cas watches Sammy go before coming towards me. "Dean, I-" I cut him off."I get it, you don't love me. And that's cool, I wouldn't love me either. Just don't tell anyone about my father and leave me alone. Tell Meg I say hi." Cas looks shocked."Dean, I was gonna say sorry. Don't you dare interrupt me this time, for once let your self depreciation take a back fucking seat to my damn feelings. I love you. I love you so, so much. I'm sorry I made this happen, it's all my fault. But please, tell me you still love me. That's all, then I will leave like you want me to." Cas says, beginning to cry. He looks so vulnerable in this state, the most vulnerable I have seen him since before we broke up."Cas, of course I love you. But I know you don't love me. You don't have to lie to make me feel better. You love Meg, and that's ok." I reply earnestly, just hoping he would stop crying and stop lying and just leave me."Fuck Meg, that's what I say. She's a bitch and I'm gayer than the entire cast of Glee. I am so fucking in love with you." Cas responds, suddenly angry. In love with me?"R-really?" I ask. This has to be a joke, he can't be serious."Yes, really!" He yells before kissing me gently on the lips. The softness of his touch contrasts the roughness I just heard in his voice, and for that I am grateful. When we finally break apart, Cas begins laughing. This was all a joke. Of course it was, who would want a worthless whore like me? I'm stupid and useless and an alcoholic and dirty and used and damaged and- "Man I have been wanting to do that for months." Oh. I smile too, then, feeling the insecurity and guilt lift from my chest.
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CASDean and I sit at his kitchen table for hours, just laughing kissing and truly smiling for what must be the first time for both of us since we broke up all those weeks ago. Then Sam comes in and beckons for me. I tell Dean to rest, seeing his eyes begin to droop from the effort made by his weak muscles. He smiles groggily and I follow Sam out of the room to the kitchen."Cas, I kinda have to tell you something, and you are gonna hate me for it." He says bluntly. My stomach drops and all I can do is nod and pray for the best. Did he get hurt too and not tell me? Is everything okay with Dean?"I self-harmed again." Shit fucking hell."Sam, can you tell me why?" I ask. This is too much. Sammy is like my little brother, if he hurts too I don't know how I could help. It's not like I could tell him that it's stupid, or that it doesn't work, or literally anything else because then I would be a hypocrite, and how is that any better? How would lying to him fix anything?"I.... I um... i-it's my fault he's hurt. It just slipped out I'm so so sorry I didn't mean to say it!" Sam starts hyperventilating and tears track down his cheeks."Sammy I'm sure it was an accident, I just need you to tell me what happened so I can help." I say, pulling the shaking boy into my arms."I was talking to Gabe on the phone about how I wanted you and Dean to get together because you are perfect for him and John overheard. When Dean got home John found him and... I'm so sorry!" Sam sobs, apologies flowing from his lips like sludge.I process it all as quickly and I can and say, "Sam, this is in no way your fault. You were just being a kid, talking to his friend about his brother. You didn't do anything wrong. I love your brother more than anything and of course I would never like to see him hurt. But, Sam, I love you too. Sure, not the same way, but you are as much my little brother as Gabe is. You need to let me help you, for all of our sakes. Can I see?" I reply sadly, crying silently at the sight of the boy who has basically become my adopted little brother. He nods and looks at the ground, pulling up his sleeve and looking resigned.Tiny burn welts cover his arm, outlined with bleeding cuts and scars from previous endeavors. I try to shut off the part of my brain that is screaming to ball up in the corner and cry at the combination of being triggered and overall despair, instead nodding sadly and getting the bandages from a now sleeping Dean's side. If Sam can handle stitching up his brother's wounds nearly every day for years, I can handle this. Get it together, Cas.When I return, Sammy has taken his hoodie off to fully expose his arms to me. My breath hitches as I view the extent of what he's done, the carnage that has become his forearms. They are covered in cuts and burns in different stages of healing, one particularly bad burn on his upper arm looking green and infected. Puss leaks from the wound onto an open cut below, and it looks like Sam never bothered to clean either wound. Tears silently dripping down both of our faces, and I patch up Sammy's arms. The boy who stoically healed his brother not three hours ago has transformed into a scared, hurt child. "Sammy, whenever you feel this about to happen, tell me. I don't care if it's midnight and you somehow ended up stranded in Antarctica, I want you to call me. And if it's not me, call Dean or Gabe. I care about you, and so do they. Sam, I sometimes hurt myself, too; although it's under different circumstances and in different ways, I know some tools that can help. I understand that I don't understand, so I'll just be there for you. Please, little brother, let me help you." I say, holding him close once more. Sammy looks up with his big puppy dog eyes and nods slightly, giving me a quick hug and muttering an affirmative. I nod and he pulls away, drying his eyes and setting his jaw into an indifferent mask before leaving the kitchen. I return to Dean's bedside, heart heavy, and fall asleep into a restless dream.
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DEANFor the first time in weeks, I don't wake up in a panic, desperately searching for the consequences of whatever- or, whoever- I had done the night before. My heart aches as I look down upon a sleeping Cas at my bedside. The memories from last night come flooding back, the good and the not as good, but I still smile. Cas is mine, and I am his. I wince as I sit up, barely strong enough to move on my own, and reach slowly for the cup ice water Sammy must have placed there during the night. I drink it all in one go, attempting to ignore the sight of my hand shaking violently as I set it down.My brain is telling me, just do it, one beer won't hurt, but my heart forces me to look back at Cas. I could never do that to him, so I clench my fists and lay back down, propping myself uncomfortably on my side. To distract myself, I run my fingers through Cas's unruly black and blue hair, trace the Sharpie feaux-tattoo on his bare arm, and admire the peaceful look on his face. I remember one of his confessions, the one about getting a collage tattooed on his arms. I think of how amazing it would be to trace his memories with my own hands, to run my shaking fingers across the stained expanse of his muscular arms.I am yet again pulled from my thoughts by footsteps, and I jerk back in fear, feeling a twinge of pain in my back but not quite caring. What if it's Father? What if Sammy disapproves of me and Cas and finishes his work? I only relax slightly when Sammy comes into view, my last thought still running through my mind. He smiles at me and mouths, eggs or bacon?, before giving me a thumbs up and pointing to the sleeping man at my bedside. I smile, relieved, and mouth back, bacon. He stifles a laugh and walks into the kitchen, using sweater paws to rub his eyes. He wears sweaters every day since the incident, but it still worries me when I see them. God, I'm such a failure. I gently shake Cas awake, pulling back quickly to avoid the inevitable punch I always get from doing the same for father. He opens his eyes and sits up, and I flinch. Stupid, that will make him hit harder! I shrink back and stifle a groan as I lift my arm to shield my face. When I don't feel anything, I slowly lower my arm, daring to dart my eyes up and glance at Case. I look up into Cas's concerned eyes and finally relax, knowing no punch is to come."Come on Cas, breakfast!" I say in an overly cheery voice."Okay Dean. But, um, you know I won't hurt you, right?" He says quietly. I nod and fake a laugh. "Of course man, I was kidding." He rolls his eyes but says nothing, opting to help me slowly out of bed to go to the kitchen. I instinctively go to tuck my wings behind my back and panic when I can't find them. "Cas, where are my wings? Why can't I feel them? Cas help me, please! Please, I can't find them!" I yell, reaching blindly behind me for them. I feel nothing but Cas's smooth hands on my wrists, pulling them toward him again. My back burns as I twist in his grasp, trying desperately to find the part of myself that has been stolen."Dean, they aren't there. I'm sorry, I couldn't get there in time. John... He took them." Cas says."No! No he wouldn't, he couldn't! I need them! Please, I need them! He can't! He can't! Cas help me I need them I can't I just..." I start sobbing now, words stumbling over themselves in a panic to get my point across. The thought of living without wings is becoming too much. Cas pulls me in again, but it does little to comfort me as I can't stroke my wings or wrap them around us to shield us from the terrible world. They're gone, he took them, ripped them away from m-CASDean suddenly goes limp in my arms, and I quickly lift him to see his face. He passed out."Sam!" I call. He comes running in, and sees his brother limp in my arms. His mask falls away again and he turns back to the little boy I saw in the kitchen last night."Help me get him back to bed." Sammy says softly. I agree and we lift Dean gently, careful of his wing scars and head. Dean was scared me just now, and I didn't have any idea how to comfort him. I couldn't do anything. Once he is back in bed, I tell Sam all about what happened. The whole time I am crying, and by the time I am done, so is he. Sam moves to get up but I hold him here."Sammy, you know I can't let you leave like this. Stay with me and Dean, you don't need to be alone. Would you like me to tell you a story?" Sam nods, and I take a deep breath. This is it."Well, you know how I told you I self-harm, too? It started in about fourth grade. I was at school and a group of boys made fun of me for having wings. They called me a freak, told me I was a monster. When I got home, I told my older brothers Micheal and Lucifer. Neither one cared, they said I had to grow up and take it like a man. Luci patted me on the back and said, 'Get used to it, bud. Grow a shell and learn to punch back.' Now, I'm not one for violence, and nobody was really doing any punching in the first place, so that advice failed. I kept going, not doing anything about it. Then, another angel came to school. Her name was Naomi. The same thing happened to her, but she stood up for herself. Soon, when she found out I wouldn't stand up for myself, she taunted me for it. Called me weak, a disgrace to Angels. The humans caught on, adding those words to the ever-growing list of taunts. By sixth grade, I would have been diagnosed with depression if my brothers or parents cared enough to pay attention. Gabriel was too young to tell, Anna was caught up in boys and grades, and Michael and Lucifer were too busy ruling the school to pay attention to their needy, useless little brother. Chuck, my dad, was almost as obsessed with his novels as he was with the woman around the block. Mama hasn't been home for more than two days at a time since third grade, so she was definitely out."As I started seventh grade, kids had more freedom. We had free periods and could eat lunch outside or in whatever group we wanted. It was also the year I and everyone else found out that I was gay. Boys began to beat me up. I didn't fight back, why would I want to? I believed I deserved the pain, basically brainwashed from growing up in such a religious household. I was going to burn in Hell anyway, so why fight punishment on Earth, too?"When I got home after the third week of school, I decided pain inflicted by others was not enough punishment, and disassembled one of my big brothers' shaving blades. We had learned about self-harm in Health the past week, and while everyone else was making fun of the starving girls and greasy-haired boys, I was empathizing with them. The feel of the sharp pain mixed with the heavy drip of blood is what I would later come to describe to your brother as pain to distract from pain. The taunts kept growing worse, however. In eighth grade I was self-diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia nervousa, taking another page from the girls in the videos' books. I was slowly killing myself trying to stay afloat, and I didn't want to stop. Ninth grade second quarter marked the first time I tried to commit. I made a noose and jumped, but found out a few minutes later that I made it wrong. I had to wear my sister's concealer and a scarf for weeks until the bruises faded. I tried a few more times, but it was like the universe knew that I would find Dean. Nothing worked. I never bled enough, never swallowed the right amount of pills, always was caught on top of the bridge. Finally, at the beginning of this year, you and your brother moved here. He was the first to acknowledge me as a person, someone who wasn't a machine or a monster or a freak. For a week or so, he was able to get through to me. We fell in love. He broke me of anorexia, with the help of the internet and a lot of self-therapy, but not of my self-destructive behavior. I still cut, and my girlfriend Meg, whom I will break up with, is verbally abusive. I don't understand what you are going through, Sam, but I have an idea."
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DEANI woke up to voices softly talking outside of my door. I keep my eyes closed and listen closely to what the voices, whom I have now distinguished as Cas and Sammy, are saying. I have to hold in a gasp when I hear Cas begin his story. I can barely contain the tears are pooling beneath my closed eyelids. How could someone so loving learn to hate his own guts? I only open my eyes long after the bed shifts with his added weight and I hear soft snoring replace my brother's quiet sniffles. I meet Cas's eyes over the sleeping form of my little brother. His eyes are glazed over like cut glass, and tear tracks breaking the previously unadulterated beauty of his face. He mouths, I'm sorry, and leaves.I contain a groan and rise slowly from my bed, taking deep breaths to calm the panic brought on by my lack of wings to comfort me. I hobble toward the guest room, cursing myself for being so slow. What if he is cutting again? What if he is calling Meg and going back to her? What if he's throwing up everything he can and relapsing? What if he is trying again? I reach the door of the guest room after what seems like an eternity and open it to find him asleep on the bed, limbs and wings strewn every which way in a typical star-fishy Cas style. I sigh in relief and before I know it, I've climbed into bed with him, and he has wrapped his wings around me without waking up. I almost purr in pure contentment and fall asleep immediately, no longer plagued by phantom wings or dark thoughts.CASI wake up to find something solid pressed against my right side and wrapped in my wings. I turn my head slowly and smile when I find that the object is Dean, who looks more content than I've seen him in a while."Dean, love, time to wake up." I mumble in his ear. He tenses and tries to pull away abruptly, but I hold him still gently. He finally looks at me and immediately relaxes, calming me down as well. He smiles shakily and I return it."Morning, Cas. Sorry I'm in your bed, I'll leave, sorry." Dean apologizes fervently."Dean, it's okay. It's perfect, actually. Stay." I reply. He looks hopeful and nods, and I'm hit with a wave of hate for John. How could he do this to Dean, making him think he isn't wanted? I pull Dean close and he says,"Cas, I think I'm in love with you." My heart stutters and I just about burst with joy."I love you too, Dean. To the moon." I reply, hoping and praying he will finish the nursery rhyme he told me of all those months ago."And back." He draws it to a close, causing me to sigh in relief. We look at each other and laugh, and it's almost like we are back in the first week of school, new lovers who thought that time and struggle would end once we were together.
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DEAN"Cas, we should probably get up." I say."Uuuuuugh, one more minute, De'" Cas responds groggily."Cas, love, I'm serious. It's noon, we really should eat at least." I say, laughter permeating my voice."Noooo." He groans."Yes, come on. Food is a priority." Cas groans again and flops out of bed, hitting the floor with a small noise of surprise. I laugh at his startled look. He looks adorable, his black and blue hair tussled more than normal and his eyeliner smudged like a grumpy raccoon. "Come on, Cas." I stand up and am hit with a wave of nausea, although it soon passes when Cas races to my side and holds me up."Dean, what's wrong?" He asks, suddenly very awake."Nothing, Cas, let's just go eat." I reply, hoping to just forget about it. Cas grabs my hands and I realize they are shaking violently."Dean, you can tell me." Cas says worriedly.Before I can respond, I feel bile rise in my throat and I launch myself toward the bathroom. I ignore the pain that shoots through my body and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet, not before spilling some on the floor as well. "Dean, you're worrying me. What is wrong?" Cas questions again, rubbing my arm ever so gently with a wing and holding my calloused hands in his warm ones."S-second day without a drink. Not, not good.Need it." I mumble out, neither my brain nor my body working with me. My thoughts are moving both in rapid-fire and in slow-motion, a greyish brown hue tinting the outsides of my vision. "Dean, it's ok. You'll be fine, I promise. Get back to bed, I'll bring you some water." Cas says, eyes earnest and full of love.His gentle tone grates on my frayed nerves and harsh anger rises as foul as the bile did a minute ago."Why are you so calm? I just vomited on the floor an inch away from you and I can't manage to survive without fucking booze and you're fucking calm?" My mind suddenly goes blank, flashbacks taking over.How dare you look so weak? Such an idiot, pining over some boy who will never love you. An Angel and a faggot, and not even good at it. Stop being such a pussy, Dean. Soldier on and get your shit together. Winchesters are made of iron, boy. Get down the stairs. An echo of a belt snapping in my mind startles me."Why aren't you hitting me? Get it over with, do it! Draw it out as much as you want, but get on with it!" I yell. I turn around to expose my back to him. This is good, this will make it all better. He just needs to get his anger out, then we will be fine. I can do this, I can help him feel better. I just need to make him feel better. I wait.CAS"Do it!" Dean yells, back turned toward me. He is shaking uncontrollably and looks like he is about to vomit and cry and keel over all at once."Dean I-" I start."No! No, just hit me! Please, Castiel, please just get it over with." He yells again in a broken voice. I start to cry and almost kick myself for it. I have to be strong for Dean. "What are you waiting for? Here, here take my belt. Yeah? Yeah, that'll work. There must be a knife around here somewhere, c'mon. L-lets go to the basement, that's where it will be. Don't. Don't be mad, Castiel, don't hate me. Please."Dean is hysterical. He spins so quickly I see him wince and runs down the stairs to the living room. I follow him, watching helplessly as he descends into the basement. I refuse to let him down there alone because of what I saw with Sam.I find Dean standing by the chains which still hold his wings, staring blankly at them with his belt and a knife in his shaking hands. "Here you g-go, Castiel. Just, just do it." Dean says, stuttering in a blank voice. He flinches as I go to him and take the weapons away from him, but doesn't move to shield himself. His eyes dart toward the door and back down to the floor, bloodshot and terrified."Dean, I won't hurt you. You don't deserve pain, please let me help." I say. This seems to snap Dean out of his empty state, causing him to turn toward me."Castiel." He says brokenly, looking at me with big glossy eyes and complete vulnerability. My heart shatters in my chest and I see just how broken my love is. He looks like he is about to have a seizure with the force that he's trembling, and his eyes are red and puffy from tears. Some of the stitches for the wounds in his chest have split in the commotion and he is bleeding freely. Thankfully, Sammy's stitches on his back have stayed intact. I look back up at his eyes and they are dull, showing only sadness and resignation. He never calls me Castiel, nor does he ever stand at attention looking like a soldier who is about to go on a suicide mission."Dean, please don't be afraid." I say quietly. He is scaring me and I can feel him slipping away into a darkness I don't know I can save him from. He looks at me and nods before glancing down at his bleeding torso."We should probably patch me up." He says gruffly. I watch sadly as he ascends the stairs with perfect posture, not quite sure whether I should follow.
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SAMDean walks up the stairs to the basement right as I am about to go down there and see what he and Cas are doing. My heart beats wildly in my chest as I see that he is bleeding from the word on his chest and standing like Father is right behind him. My eyes widen as he just walks to the first aid kit on the table and begins to sew himself up haphazardly, not even flinching at the piercing of the needle through his skin. Cas comes up the stairs looking as though he is Atlas with the world resting on his shoulders. He looks at me and says, "We need to talk." I nod and follow him into the guest room."Cas, what happened to my brother down there?" I ask. He couldn't have done this, he wouldn't! Cas loves my brother, he would never hurt him. Please, God, don't let him hurt Dean. "Dean did it to himself." Cas responds. Dean did this? My big brother cut himself up like it was nothing? "He was fine when we woke up, but when we finally got out of bed he almost collapsed. His hands were shaking and he looked dizzy. Then he threw up and when he got some on the floor, he told me to hit him. He took off his belt and turned around, but when I wouldn't, I guess he, h-he thought I didn't have the right supplies to hurt him in... in the way he deserved. He ran to the basement and I found him by his wings with his belt and a knife. His stitches w-were split open and he told me to just beat him and get it over with. I would never hurt Dean, never! I'm so sorry Sam." Cas retells the story with tears dripping down his face."Did he say why he threw up?" I ask, perfectly calm. There's roaring in my ears. Cas looks confused but replies,"He said that he needed a drink, that two days was too much." I nod, unsurprised. Alcoholism can be hereditary. Genetics are a bitch, right?"He's going through alcohol withdrawals. We just need to watch him until he gets through this. Good days and bad days, I guess today is a bad day." I respond. I'm worried about my big brother. He's supposed to be the strong one, the one to keep me from hurting myself.Cas leaves to find Dean and I stare at the ceiling. I can feel the darkness creeping up on me, and my arms start to itch. I glance at my bottom left drawer, knowing temporary relief can be found in it. No, I can't. Cas is right, I don't have to do this. But the itch becomes too strong and I find myself in my locked bathroom with a lit match in my hand. Just one, it won't hurt anything. I deserve one, I wasn't there for my brother when he needed me. I glance at my arm, my sleeve rolled up to my elbow to reveal dozens of scars, cuts, and burns. The ugliness of my own skin is the last straw, and I thrust the burning match toward my forearm. I grit my teeth and muffle a scream in my shoulder as I feel my skin burn and bubble. This is good, I deserve this. I do it again, abandoning my one-time rule. The match burns out against my arm and I groan. More, I need more. I throw it away and grab the razor in my box. By the time I am done with it, both my arm and the razor are coated in blood. I'm guilty, but not as guilty as I am relieved. This is good. I deserve this. CASDean has yet to wake up. I found him in my bathroom after I left Sammy in his room, and he was passed out on the tile with a puddle of vomit surrounding him. I washed off the vomit, getting sick myself at the sight and smell of it, and lied him in bed before cleaning up. Now it's after midnight and he still won't wake up. The most I've heard from him was some mumbled pleas and tired groans. I'm worried about him.My phone rings at six in the morning and I run my hand through my slightly greasy hair. I haven't left Dean's bedside and I distractedly realize that it's been days since I've showered."Hello?" I question."Cassie! It's Gabe, moose invited me over. He told me about Dean, I'm coming to stay with you guys until he gets better. I know you want to be with Dean, and we all know what happens to Sammy if he thinks he is alone. I'm driving over now." Gabe responds in a voice much too loud for nearly one in the morning. I am relieved, though. I have to stay with Dean and I don't want to see Sam hurt."That's amazing, thanks Gabe. Take good care of him, he needs it." I respond."I'll be there soon, brother mine. Watch out for my moose." Gabe hangs up and I reluctantly leave Dean to check in on Sam. I find him curled up on his bed, swaddled in blankets with his phone playing soft music. I smile slightly and the sight and return to Dean. Maybe we will be okay after all. SAMI wake up to my door being opened. "Heya, moose!" I hear."Gabe?" I respond, looking up."The one and only! How are you doing, Sasquatch?" He responds cheerily. Gabe! I've missed him. I almost thought he didn't care anymore. I smile and he takes that as an answer, sitting on my bed next to me. I blush and tug at my sleeves, worried he might have seen something. Bad idea. Gabe knows me so well that he can tell when I am hiding something. His eyes shoot to my wrists and he looks pleadingly at me."Sam, please say you didn't." He asks quietly. I look away, unable to see the disappointment that must be written clearly on his features. I let him roll up my sleeves and suddenly words come pouring from my mouth."I'm sorry Gabe, I couldn't hold it back. I missed it, I deserve it. I'm weak and I'm sorry, please don't leave me. I had to!""Sam, I would never leave you. I don't understand what you are going through, but I don't want to help. I, uh, I think I'm in love with you." Gabe says quietly. Gabe loves me? This has to be a joke, how could someone so bright and happy love someone as dark and flawed as me? "Please don't," I say. My heart burns as I realize that Gabe is making fun of me. I thought he wouldn't stoop to that level, but I can't blame him. I'm a freak, I deserve to get made fun of and teased. It's only fair that he should have some fun, he is looking after me. "Don't what, Sam? I love you, and I thought you loved me, too. What's wrong?" Gabe questions, confused. He looks earnest, caring and insecure at my response. Maybe he's being serious?"Gabe, are you sure? I mean, I'm just me. Just Sam." I say."Well, just Sam is perfect." Gabe replies. My heart bursts and suddenly I am laughing."You're right. I'm in love with you, Gabe. How could I not be?" I respond. Before I know it, his warm, sugary lips cover my chapped ones. He lets my tongue explore his mouth, earning me a satisfying moan. We don't pull away for a while, and once we do, all the pain from earlier today has been satiated. At least, for now. He loves me, and that's all that matters right now.
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CASThe door closes behind me as I enter my room, waking Dean from his fitful slumber."Cas I-" he whispers, eyes darting toward his hands. His fingers begin to twist, picking at the skin of one of his cuticles, threatening to tear a line down his fingertip."Hush, Dean. Everything is okay, I'm not going to hurt you. Do you need anything?" I cut him off, trying to smother the fear burning in his eyes."N-no, noth-nothing. Th-thank you, Castiel-l." He stutters, using my full name again. The shaking continues and I see a cold sweat break on his forehead."Dean, please let me help you. Can I help you?" I ask gently. It terrifies me to see him this way. He nods. I get a wet washcloth from the bathroom, and walk over to where he is lying. He flinches as I fit my hand over the curve of his neck, running my thumb over a scar hidden by his hair. This is all your fault, if you hadn't been so stupid he wouldn't have broken like this. Worthless bastard, just die and relieve him. One less thing for him to worry about. My thoughts crowd my mind and I furrow my brow, trying to force them from my head. Now is not the time for me to despise myself, not when Dean is hurting."Cas, I m-mean, Castiel, don't think so much," Dean whispers. My face must shift somehow, because he immediately tenses back up. "S-sorry, no do-o whatev-ver y-you want-t, n-not my p-place. Sorry." Dean says, stuttering coming full force as he crumples against the wall behind the mattress. All this just for trying to help you, you idiot. He is broken because of you! "It's okay, Dean. I love it when you call me Cas. It makes me feel special, loved. Thank you, you were right to tell me to stop thinking." A forced smile paints itself on my face as I try to convince Dean everything is okay. He nods and carefully unwinds himself from the curled up position he assumed. He nods again, shakily, before turning his head toward me. This time my smile is genuine when I press the washcloth to his forehead.DEAN
I was so stupid, why did I do this to him? I deserve to break, not beautiful Castiel. There I go again, calling him the name he seems to hate only when it flows from my lips. Not that I blame him, what isn't to hate about me? I ruin everything I touch.
You're a stupid, broken, wind-up soldier who can't even speak without messing up. Father was right, you are worthless. Can't even go a day without the juice, can you? You're just like him, an abusive alcoholic who deserves to die. So just do it, kill yourself. Put Cas out of his misery, let Sammy live without a horrible big brother like you. Maybe then he can get the help he needs, without you taking all the money and attention for your worthless self.
Well I would, but Cas still has that infernal washcloth on my head and those infuriating blue eyes staring deep into my own.Cas's eyes seem to bore into my weary soul. Those bluer than blue eyes. As I focus my attention on them, I realize they are not cold like the arctic ice everyone seems to relate them to. They are the clear waters of a sunny beach. No, they are warmer even than that. They are the fire that burns so hot and so bright that the violent red flames turn to a vibrant, inviting blue. Cas, this pretty boy with the bright electric blue eyes, surges forward and kisses me so tenderly I feel fragile- the kind of fragile that the soft brush of a finger could shatter instantly. As we kiss I remember when he called me 'baby' and promised to be right beside me through it all. I remember the way it felt to hold him, to be held by him. And I want that again, I want back it so badly. So I kiss him back full force, throwing caution into the bright blue flames to burn up as our passion consumes us.When we finally pull apart, both of us are shocked. Then Cas does the weirdest and most amazing thing. He starts to laugh. A big, boisterous laugh that fills the whole room with joy and inflates my lungs like two balloon animals. "I missed that, I missed you. I'm glad you're back, baby." Cas says, pulling my hands around him as he hugs me."Cas." I whisper, unable to say anything else. He called me baby again, he kissed me! "Dean, I still love you. I'm still so in love with you!" He cheers into my skin. I sigh in relief, and respond."Cas, I'm in love with you too. Will you... Will you take me back?" I ask."Yes, of course, I've been waiting forever for that! Dean, there is no taking you back. There's no taking me back. We've been here the whole time, just waiting. Biding our time until it was right. Now it is, now we can be together. It's so right that I could shout it from the rooftops, paint the skyline with the green of your eyes, dust the universe with your freckles. I'm so in love with you, Dean. So, so fucking in love with you." Cas cries out."I love you, Castiel. To the moon." I say quietly, in contrast to his big, boastful tone."And back." He responds. I take him in, that crazy black and blue hair, those fiery blue eyes, the lip piercing that infuriates me beyond belief. I love it all, I'm in love with every part of him. And looking at him, I can tell he is thinking the same thing. For once, I don't doubt that we are meant to be together. For once, I know exactly what he is thinking.Sure, we're both fixer-uppers. But hey, what do we have if not time?
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SAMIt felt like all of my dreams were coming true at once as Gabriel's hands slid into my own. His lips were sweet and wet, and he smelled of sugar and spring. It was perfect. We were perfect. Then it was all shot to Hell.He moves to lift my shirt and I freeze. No, he can't see them! He can't see the cuts, or the burns, or the scars. He will hate you even more than you hate yourself. The voices in my head refuse to shut up and I pull away quickly. If that's even possible, I respond in my head with a bitter laugh. "Sam?" Gabe questions gently, surprise written blatantly on his features."I-I can't do this. I can't let you..." I mumble out, trailing off. I scramble out of the room and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me and ignoring Gabe's concerned calls. My breath comes in short pants, not doing anything to get the oxygen to my brain. My thoughts are moving so quickly that I don't even hear the voice in my head, the one with Ruby's beautiful tone, the one that I could always count on to guide me and make me better. What do I do without the voice? How do I live without her? I need to calm down, I need something normal. I fumble for the box under my sink and strike a match with practiced precision. I press the flame to a patch of skin and let out a calm breath, feeling my sanity return. I finally hear the pounding on my bathroom door, accompanied by Gabe's screaming, but I do not let up. I only remove the match when the flame has died and the piece of skin is as charred, as dead, as I am. I drop the match in the garbage and put away the others before pulling out a small knife and a pair of clamps.I am on autopilot as I slice across a pre-made horizontal line across my upper right arm, a few 4, Sam, it's exactly 4 and you know it. Fucking freak! inches from my shoulder, and easily insert the clamps to hold it open in the usual spot. I have one large line across each arm, in the exact same spot. My 'OCD crazy', as Dean oh-so-delicately put it, got the best of me because I even used a ruler to make sure they were the same distance from my shoulders and elbows. Ruby always said my big, dumb brain was the best and worst part about me. I repeat the process on my other arm, wincing as the clamps pull deep in my skin, and lie back. I feel the warm blood drip from my arms and listen as Gabe gives up on trying to knock the door down. Just as I thought, I'm an easy person to give up on. It's not like I should blame him.I reflect on what got me here, back in this position after being clean for longer than I have since I've started. It wasn't just the thought of Gabe seeing my cuts and burns, it was so much more.Everything piled up, and the voices come back. Relief and fear courses through my open veins as they begin to shout, scream, yell at me. They tell me Gabriel is only using me for my looks, that Dean and Cas no longer need me now that they are back together and Father is gone. Ruby shrieks that I deserve this, that it is my punishment for leaving her, that I knew this would happen all along because she warned me.We are right, Sam. You're worthless, kept around only to be used as a plaything for bored Angels. You aren't even one of them, unworthy of being chosen. You're ugly and boringly human. I believe the voices, as I always do. Why would they, why would I lie to myself, especially in this way? The only possibility is that it is the truth.You should die. You weren't good enough for Ruby, why would you even think you were close to worthy of touching, much less loving, Gabriel? This boy is an Angel for God's sake, not even a lowly human like you. Freak. Useless. Diediediediedie. I cry harder now, tears breaking past my barriers and sliding down my cheeks as the blood slides down my arm. My sobs grow stronger as I can feel my body grow weaker, my arms becoming heavy weights that hold me down to the floor. By now, I would have taken out the clamps, patched myself up. But why? Why should I? Worthless.CAS"Cas! Dean! Sammy is in trouble, I don't know what's wrong! One second he was fine then he was freaking out and running to the bathroom. I don't know what to do, please help me. I'm so sorry, just p-please help." Gabe comes running in, tears dripping down his face as his golden wings flutter nervously.I notice that his knuckles and fingertips are bloody. He must have seen my glance because he says, "I tried to get to him, I punched the door and tried to pry off the handle but he must have locked it and I just couldn't." I nod and give Dean a warning look to stay in bed. It might be his brother but he isn't well either, and we can take care of him. Dean glares at me but I don't let him get up. Gabe drags me out of the room up to Sam's bathroom door, which has little pieces of wood missing and blood streaks on the handle."Sam? It's me, Cas. Can you open the door?" I ask. My only response is muffled sobs from the other side of the door. I motion for Gabe to stand back and get a chair from the dining room, bashing it into the door. The knob falls off with a click and I try to push it open, and this time it works.Neither Gabe nor I are prepared when we see the tall human curled up in the far corner of his bathroom under the sink. He seemed to have shrunk a million sizes, and something shiny is sticking out of each of his arms. At first I think he left the razor in, something I used to do if I passed out in the middle. But then I realize he is awake, and the razor is in his hand. I come closer and he flinches away, head hitting the porcelain of the sink. I don't want to hurt him any further, but I have to help him, so I continue forward."Gabe, please go ask Dean where he is keeping the first aid kit now." I try to say calmly. I hear rapid footsteps and know he has run off. When I reach Sam's slumped form, I almost cry out at what he has done to himself. Charred circles and lines decorate his arms, and two long, horizontal lines seem to have been made with careful planning.Sam seems to be in the middle of bleeding himself out. Minding his tender skin, I carefully pull out the razor out of his shaking hand. He doesn't even blink. "Sam, please look at me. Remember, you can talk to me. I care. I know you can't just quit, I haven't either, but I can help you if you talk to me." I whisper gently."Gotta get it out" He says, voice barely above a mumble."What? Sammy, I don't understand. How about you explain it to me, bud?" I ask, confused. I make sure my voice stays level and calming, not wanting to cause more panic."Gotta, uh, g-get out the, the bad" Sam slurs, half-heartedly wiggling his left arm and causing a puddle of red to squelch out. "I-I gotta get it out-outta me."I blink slowly, realizing what he means. He's bleeding himself dry trying to repent, trying to get rid of the "bad" inside him."G-Get out, Cas. Lemme finish." Sam startles me by talking, or really mumbling, and I begin to mop up the blood and carefully pull out some of the clamps. "Why do you ev'n care?""Because you are family, and you are important. And it's not just me that cares. Dean and Gabe wouldn't be able to function without you, they love you just as much as I do. We need you here, Sam." I reply.He just shakes and keeps crying. I don't notice Gabe has returned until a box is dropped beside me. As I clean Sam's self inflicted wounds, Gabe whispers consolations and words of love into the human's ears. His shaking hands weave through Sam's hair as he helps me move the boy out from under the sink. I smile slightly, because although Sam is broken now, Gabe has always been good at putting things back together.