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McCoy tried the Italian phrase out-loud, “Cara mia ti amo.” Then he snorted with disdain. “My darling, I love you.” Yeah, right! That’s what he should meet Spock with at the door. I love you! Wonder what kind of reaction that would get out of that emotionless Vulcan ice cube? Why would McCoy ever want to admit something like that? To him?!Not that he didn’t love the guy. Not that he had ever said it in so many words, but he did love Spock. He supposed. Guys just didn’t go around saying things like that to other guys. McCoy frowned. Well, at least he and Spock didn’t. They just let their actions do their talking for them when the lights went down to ten percent. Then the only universe they were aware of was between a pair of government issue sheets. It’d been an unspoken agreement to keep the lights dim, but not extinguished. They each liked to see the other one smolder with emotion during sex and finally cave into passion when they couldn’t hold in their feelings any longer. It was like a damn contest between them at night, and McCoy sometimes wondered if their duel was more important than any consuming tenderness that they’d stirred in each other. As for love, forget it! That wasn’t what they were experiencing in those heated clinches. Oh, they went through the motions, otherwise they could’ve never achieved the impetus for that mutual ‘beautiful bang’ at the end of their sexual act. And they’d cuddle afterwards and sleep in each others’ arms. Hell, why cheat themselves outa that?! But they never surrendered. They never surrendered to love the way that they should. It was just animal release that they were experiencing. And it left them feeling empty. At least it did McCoy. Who in the hell cared what the Vulcan experienced?! That guy was on autopilot, anyway!But McCoy knew he was lying to himself. He cared, cared more about what Spock was getting out of their sexual activities than even McCoy wanted to admit. He wished that it was more than just animal release for Spock. McCoy cared enough for the guy to wish that Spock wouldn’t allow himself to be cheated out of one of the greatest experiences of living: surrendering to love.McCoy scoffed at his own romantic notions. Their physical activities were practiced to let off steam and to relieve sexual tension. Nothing more. And if either guy thought that tenderness should be involved in any way, well, he probably deserved to get hurt. But that didn’t mean that they didn’t watch out for the other guy. They had each others’ backs. Because anyone who picked on either one got a helluva lot of trouble from both of them. That’s the way things were between them. They protected each other.McCoy frowned. Yeah, they protected each other, alright. They protected each other from everything but themselves. Anything else seemed to be a macho thing with them. They were too reluctant to examine the feelings that they stirred because they feared it would be a sign of weakness.But something had changed. Something had brought a halt to their relationship, and McCoy had no idea what had caused it. There was just some sort of rift between them.Something stupid had been said, apparently. But what?!Or something diplomatic had not been done at the right time. Something petty. Something downright childish. Whatever the cause, Spock had not been back to McCoy’s bed and to McCoy’s arms for days.And the longer the stalemate between them lasted, the more awkward everything became. And McCoy was hating it. Maybe they hadn’t had a perfect relationship, but it had at least been something. And now there was nothing, nothing.And the damn music that McCoy was listening to didn’t help any. But he had to listen to it while the soaring melody and sentimental words tore at his heart.‘Return to me
Oh my dear I’m so lonely
Hurry back, hurry back
Oh my love hurry back I am yours’For it was while listening to the song that McCoy had heard Dino sing, “Cara mia ti amo” in a whole section that Dino had sung in his native Italian. For Dino Paul Crocetti, aka Dean Martin, English was a second language learned when he finally attended school. His heart was poured into the Italian lyrics and made the song so much more romantic.‘Return to me
For my heart wants you only
Hurry home, hurry home
Won’t you please hurry home to my heart’Talk about something that could rip a guy’s bleeding heart right out of his aching body to leave it so exposed and unprotected out in the elements to wither away from neglect.Then had come the part of the song that cut McCoy clear to his suffering heart every time he heard it:‘My darling, if I hurt you I'm sorry
Forgive me and please say you are mine’For McCoy knew, he just knew, that Spock’s absence was his fault. He’d done something unwittingly wrong that had sent Spock on his way. Maybe he’d neglected Spock with carelessness. Or he’d contradicted or ridiculed Spock once too often in front of others and had embarrassed him. Or Spock had finally had enough of his errant thoughts and wild rantings. Well, if McCoy had the opportunity, he wouldn’t do any of that again. He’d be such a good boy that Spock would never shun him again. He might hate himself for his loss of integrity to himself, but he would keep this person he now realized that he could not do without. What was integrity when one had his own happiness to lose?Just give me another chance, McCoy silently begged as he slumped in his chair in his quarters. I’ll be so good and loving that you’ll never want to be away from my side ever again. I'll make you think that you're the king of the whole universe to me if you'll only let me have another chance to make up for whatever it is that I've done wrong to you. Just give me that chance. I'm begging!Please!And he crumpled into himself and pinched his eyes tightly shut as the haunting words of the melancholy song tore into him again.‘Return to me
Please come back bella mia
Hurry back, hurry home to my arms
To my lips and my heart’And just like that, the door to McCoy’s quarters opened and Spock walked in.McCoy started in such surprise that he almost jumped out of his chair. “Spock--” Then he stopped and eased himself down into the chair again. The Vulcan might just be after the rest of his possessions.Spock looked as surprised as McCoy did, but he quickly covered it. “Sorry, Doctor. I do not wish to disturb you.”“That’s alright,” McCoy said dully. Yeah, that was it. Spock must’ve just come for his stuff, what little of it there was left. McCoy figured that the Vulcan always packed light. Toothbrush and an extra pair of undershorts in a hip pocket and a meditation robe and mat slung over his shoulder. Ready! Packing over! Ready to hit the road or the next planet! He travels fastest who travels alone!Spock was probably used to slipping in and out of people’s lives as easily as that, too. No mess, no fuss, no emotions involved. Neat and tidy. Never leaving a whisper or a shadow that he’d ever passed through on his way from here to there, wherever "there" was. McCoy had probably just been an interlude for Spock and nothing more. Must be a Vulcan Way of Living or some kind of code they followed. Or something equally as jaded and heartless.McCoy realized that he was happy that he was an Earthling and not Vulcan. Maybe it was best to rid himself of such an emotionless personage. Spock was a heart killer. Best to snip him out of his life cleanly and find a nice, messy Earthling to mess around with. At least someone like that would be alive. And McCoy could just forget that he had ever tried to let a Vulcan into his heart. He would just leave Spock behind.But, oh, how it would hurt McCoy to do so!“I thought that you were still in your office in Sickbay,” Spock ventured.“No, I, ah, just came back early. Just wanted to call it a day and get back here and rest,” McCoy mumbled, listless and tired to death.He must’ve grimaced then in his pain, for in the next moment Spock reacted with a frown. “Doctor? Are you alright?”“Nothing. Nothing. Tired. Just tired,” he answered weakly. “Just, just get what you came for. I won’t stop you. Sorry that I didn’t have your stuff all in one spot. If I’d known you were coming, I could’ve been somewhere else.” He frowned. “Anywhere else.”“You are hurting.”“Of course, I’m hurting! I don’t know what I did wrong!” He put a hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry about losing control. If you’ll tell me what I did wrong, I’ll try to correct it.” Even he could hear the pathetic pleading in his voice. McCoy was losing his self-respect. He was groveling, like he thought that he would never do. But all of his well-made plans of indifference were dissolving around his feet in Spock’s presence.“You did something wrong?” Spock asked in amazement.“Yes! I must have!” McCoy took away his hand, anger curling his lips. “I drove you away! You grew tired of me! You had second thoughts about our situation! You want a relationship with someone more stable and logical! Or I, I, I don't know! You want someone who's less messy or who isn't always chewing your ass over nothing that makes any sense to you! Take your pick of any of those reasons! I’m certain that any or all of them would apply! I'm such a klutz!”“I do not understand.”“What’s not to understand?! You got tired of me doing everything wrong and got out of the situation! And I don’t blame you!”“But, but, I thought that you were tired of me.”McCoy’s tears instantly dried as he stared up at Spock. “What? What did you say?”“I thought--”“Why would you ever think that?”“You held back when we were together. I do not know the ways of love, but I thought that you could teach them to me. At first it was wonderful, being with you. And then, after awhile, you seemed to form a shield around yourself.”“I thought that I needed to do that, to protect myself from your indifference. I didn’t know why we were even sleeping together.”Spock knelt at McCoy’s side and looked up at him earnestly. “Oh, Leonard, have you forgotten that already?" he asked breathlessly. "We were sleeping together because of our passion. Remember? The passion that had brought us together? The passion that became impossible to ignore until we did something to appease it? The passion that would not let us breathe until we had consummated the fire that was between us? That passion? That beautiful, wonderful passion?”God, how he remembered, he thought as he passed a quivering hand over his brow. But it was over now. Over. And nothing would revive it. But it had been good, he had to admit. In fact, it had been wonderful.“Yes,” McCoy agreed sadly. “We did have passion.”“But we do not have love? Is that what you are trying to say? That there was not love between us?”“Oh, my sweet darlin,’” McCoy said with a sigh. “I think that we have a ton of love for each other. But somewhere along the line we thought that we shouldn’t be expressing that love.”“And that is wrong?”“That is terribly wrong.”Spock leaned closer. “What should we do about it?McCoy’s eyes flicked over that rugged face that he loved so well and was suddenly dying to kiss. He wanted to kiss Spock until they were both breathless and not thinking straight. He wanted them to go on autopilot just to see where it would lead them. “What would you like to do about it?” McCoy asked with an impossible hope burning inside him.“Try again?”“Make that a statement, and I might be interested.”Spock grinned, stood, and scooped McCoy up into his arms as he did so.“This will work just fine, also,” McCoy decided as he clung to Spock’s shoulders.“It better,” Spock growled in a voice that titillated McCoy.“Or what will you do about it?” McCoy teased as he looked at Spock fondly.“I will decide that when I finish with you in the bedroom. About five months from now.”McCoy felt a thrill go through him at that prospect. “You don’t have that kind of lasting power, Vulcan,” he dared.“You will not even notice me catching my breath, Earthling. You will be too busy regulating your own breathing.”McCoy put his index finger at the end of Spock’s chin. “I’d like to think that I could make you gasp once in awhile.”“That will be for a different reason entirely, Doctor. All you will have to do is to kiss me.”“You mean, like this?” McCoy purred as he zoned in for a full-mouth kiss.He got the reward of hearing Spock whimper before the Vulcan forgot all about gentility and gave into his mounting passion. Spock set McCoy on his feet so he could roughly grasp McCoy to himself. Then it got kind of hazy for both of them as they grappled each other. Luckily, they eventually found the bed by hitting the calves of their legs on it, or they might have sprawled all over the floor. At that point, they didn’t care where they landed, just so it was somewhere down.Not that either one of them would have noticed. They were too busy in their desire to get at each other. And this time, neither one of them held anything back, either. Hands and mouths found all sorts of interesting features on the other one that had been neglected until now.Then they made certain that they corrected that mistake once and for all.What they did to each other in that bed then was messy and sordid and crude. But it was love. At long last, love. And both of them were assured of the fact that they were beloved by the time they finally fell asleep, exhausted. But in each others’ arms.And Dino finished their love song in his native Italian for them as he lulled them into a refreshing sleep.‘Retorna me
Cara mia ti amo
Solo tu, solo tu, solo tu, solo tu
Mio cuore’