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On mornings like these, Alec hated himself more than ever. His insides were churning and his heart lay heavy in his chest. He felt restless and lethargic in equal parts; an internal war waging throughout his mind and body.But he was Alec Lightwood, and things were expected of him. He had to snap out it. Had to go out and make breakfast for his sister before she had a chance to destroy the kitchen, again. Had to drag Max away from whatever book he had his head buried in because otherwise he’d never make it to training. He had to train with Jace so they could be ready for…Fuck. How could he forget? Jace was to become his parabatai in two days. A man he was expected to spend a lifetime beside, as more than friends or brothers, but as warriors.But how could he go through with this ritual when on mornings like this, Alec woke from dreams of Jace. When he spent his waking hours longing for his touch. Imagining how Jace’s lips would feel against his…No. He was not allowed to feel this way about Jace. Jace was his friend. Jace was his brother.It was wrong. Alec was wrong.“Hey parabatai,” Jace called as he barged in through the door without knocking, as usual. “Wanna spar with me?”Shit! He was expected to train with Jace more regularly as the ceremony drew closer. Alec’s heart ached at the idea of fighting one-on-one with Jace. Feeling the power behind his rippled muscles, seeing the sweat run down his chest. No. He couldn’t. Not today. He couldn’t bear it.“Um… I, uh, I’m not feeling too well,” he croaked out, shifting nervously beneath the covers. He’d never been a good actor, but was pretty sure that the colour draining from his face at the thought of having to train beside his best/worst fantasy was helping his case.Jace jerked back abruptly, never one to care much about tact.“Oh, well then, I’ll just keep my distance,” grimaced Jace, backing away slowly. Pausing at the doorway, he looked back at Alec with concern. “You didn’t eat anything from the fridge last night did you? I heard Izzy was cooking again…”Alec shrugged, trying his best to hide his relief at the flimsy excuse Jace had offered him. “Yeah, I guess so. Can’t trust anything in the fridge unless you made it yourself.”“Well, let me know when you’re feeling better. We’ve got to get in that last training, remember. Ciao baby!” Jace bounded back out the door.Alec wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but no sooner had the back of Jace’s obnoxiously perfect hair vanished from sight did the self-loathing return in full force. He had avoided Jace for now, but he couldn’t do that forever. His parents were no fools, neither was Jace for that matter. The inner turmoil, rolling stomach and racing pulse were back again. It was only a partial lie when Alec said he felt unwell. **********It was nearing the end of the day, and Alec had done well to hide from his family. He figured that the place Jace was least likely to look was the library – Jace tried to avoid books as a general rule – so he brought a blanket and some snacks in with him and found a quiet corner at the far back of the library. Despite the constant deluge of self-hatred and anxiety, it wasn’t a bad day, cooped up with a book on Shadowhunter Lore.Eventually he had fallen asleep, and as it did most nights, his mind drifted to thoughts of Jace. He had just pinned dream-Jace against the wall, chest heaving and his mind lost blissfully to the slow slide of lips when –“WAKEY-WAKEY!”Waking suddenly to see a crazed grin and maniacal blue eyes was NOT a pleasant way to wake up. For a second, Alec was annoyed at this intrusion. But as the sleep-fog evaporated from his head and he catalogued everything going on around him, it was back to the regular scheduled programming of self-loathing and anxiety. ANXIETY in all capitals.Apparently though, while Alec’s brain had entered the nuclear meltdown stage and he had lost all ability to think, speak or move, Jace had continued to blabber on.“– and as I was saying to Issy, you are always a hell of a lot more stoic when you’re unwell. At the very least you’d be coming to the training room to pass me knives or tell me off for playing around for Issy’s whip. So I came here looking for you and it looks like you’ve been fine all along.”“W-what?” Alec stammered out. His heart was beating so fiercely he felt as though it may burst out of his chest. The edges of his vision wavered like the road on a hot summer’s day. His breath came in uneven gulps.“You’re not sick. And I know you better than this. The parabatai ceremony is tomorrow and we have to make sure we are ready for it. So quit acting like a nerd and come and spar with me!” Jace yelled, pulling Alec upright.Alec, however, was not ready for the change of altitude. His stomach flipped and heat rushed to his face. “Stop it! Jace, I really don’t feel good,” he stammered.“Dude you’re clearly fine. Why are you acting so weir-”Jace was cut off when Alec lost the battle with his stomach.With a loud and painful gag, a wave of sour vomit forced its way up Alec’s throat and splattered onto the ground in front of him – or more accurately, straight onto Jace’s shoes. Alec didn’t even get the chance to die of embarrassment, too overcome by the waves of nausea that pulsed through him, forcing more disgusting mouthfuls of stomach acid through his lips.He tried to quell the seasick feeling inside his stomach, but that only made him cough hard, sending sharp streams of vomit cascading from his mouth and nose. Eventually, when the retching subsided into dry heaves, he noticed that Jace hadn’t moved, but was instead holding his shoulders steady, one hand resting reassuringly on his back.When Alec managed to stand upright again, Jace looked equally concerned and thoroughly disgusted with him, but Alec felt too awful to care.“Dude…not cool!”Over-tired, over-emotional and still battling the nausea shaking through every fibre of his body, Alec burst into tears at Jace’s comment. He couldn’t do anything right.“Woah, woah, woah, woah!” Jace cried, stepping nimbly around the vomit and pulling Alec into his arms. “Hey, calm down. It’s fine. You’re sick. I’m sorry.”Alec was too tired to do anything else that lean on Jace. And despite his messed up dreams and fantasies, Jace’s arms felt as reassuring as ever. The brother he had never asked for, but had always needed.Despite his messed up feelings for Jace, and the ridiculous parabatai ceremony tomorrow, Alec knew that no matter the parameters of his relationship with Jace, he could get through this. As long as Jace was nearby, he would be okay.