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Poison roses are red, and death violets are blue. Nightshade berries are a rich black, and they’ll kill you, too.Welcome to Night Vale.Listeners, as you are well aware, the ambient temperature of Night Vale been drastically lowering within the past few hours. Earlier today, the temperature of Night Vale resembled the desert climate that we are all familiar with. Our day started out with the usual dry heat and uncaring glare from the sun and the weird shaking you see in the air when it’s really hot out.My husband Carlos says that’s because hot and cold air are interacting in a turbulent combination, resulting in a lot of vibration that makes the air look like it’s shaking. My husband Carlos is a scientist. That’s how he knows that. He’s a scientist and knows like, so much about science. But he said that science would have a hard time determining why the temperature has been dropping so drastically, because that falls under the category of meteorology. He said, meteorology is more of a religion than a science, so any meteorological explanation for this dropping in temperature isn’t as scientific as it could be. Right now he’s looking at the individual temperatures that he’s recorded and putting them all into a graph and saying “hmmm” at the gradual downward-facing slope of the graph, rubbing his chin and looking at his scientific computer intently. Numbers and graphs, he says, are the best way to understand strange scientific phenomena, which is always much more effective than bowing to and praying the changes in air pressure and air particle movement.More on this story as it develops.Let’s take a look at traffic.The cool air of the night. The way the darkness spreads out around you endlessly is how you know that it is safe to be outside. The sound of the night seeps into your ears and lets you see beyond the views of your feeble eyes. You rush through the thick shadows of the night, feeling within you the need to make the best of these short few hours. Before the sun comes up, there’s so much you need to do, and a second cannot be wasted. Any moment could be your last.The sound of flapping wings above you sends a rush of fear down your spine. You’ve heard the sound of owls before, their beating wings and eerie hoots, but every time you hear them it scares you as though you have never heard them before.You rush underneath a spiny mass of prickly pears, breathing quickly. The raptor lingers around above you for a few moments more before it takes off in search of less agile prey.When you are sure the bird’s gone, you crawl out from underneath your temporary cover and scuttle over the cold sand of the desert. The sand underneath you is firm, but it grows less and less firm the more you move. You notice it has become looser. You are confused, but you press onwards. You can smell something not too far away, something fatty and full of sustenance for your swift metabolism. Yes, it’s very close. You just need to crawl over this patch of odd-smelling rock that feels nothing like sand.As you begin to run across the rock, you can see light. Is the sun already coming up? You didn’t get to eat, but you need to go back underground now that the sun is coming up. You turn around, in the middle of the valley of the strange, rubbery rock, feeling the heavy light of the sun in your eyes. Something about the sun is strange to you. It’s louder than usual. It doesn’t scream. It roars. The light doesn’t feel the way it normally does. It’s not warm and inviting. Something about it seems off.Those were your last thoughts. The feeling of surprise you feel when the lights hit you with an unknowable force is quickly ended as your entire body gets crushed. Bones, flesh, blood, everything is hit and churned into a sludge of gore all at once.The thing that attacked you did not eat you. It simply rolled over you, and paid no attention to what it had just done. It kept moving, leaving your body behind it. And there your body laid, for hours and hours, lifeless and deformed, until a pair of glowing eyes noticed your corpse in the early hours of the morning. And in those early hours, you were devoured by a hungry coyote that was waiting for someone as unfortunate as you to cross that strip of strange-smelling rock.This has been traffic.A quick update on the decreasing temperatures, listeners. Carlos said that he has noticed that the temperatures have been decreasing by almost exactly five degrees for every hour. Since about noon today, the temperature has fallen from 90 degrees to about 55 degrees. Carlos says that if this keeps up, it is possible that Night Vale could become so cold that it reaches absolute zero in only four days, causing the end of all particle movement and effectively freezing everything in Night Vale and killing most of the life here. That might be a problem, Carlos says, but we have about four days to figure this one out, so it’s not the most pressing matter in the world.Oh, oh, oh my god, listeners, Carlos also attached a cute picture of goliath birdeater feasting on a mouse and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight, and then maybe do some things that you tend to do in cold weather, like snuggling to stay warm. This picture is just so cute, oh my god. The tiny teeth embedded into the prey and injecting venom into it while it munches on its unsuspecting food! And oh, those little fangs, so sharp, and those happy little spider eyes! Listeners, I wish you could see this. It’s the cutest little spider I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and I have seen so many cute spiders in my time.Carloooooos, my wonderful sweet koala bear, you always have the cutest pictures of spiders that you send!Ahem, um. In response to the low churning noises coming from Station Management's office, uh...Well, let’s take a look at the news. The Ralph’s is officially starting a senior discount day this week! Seniors are eligible for a seven-percent discount on their total for their groceries every Tuesday from three am to five am. Shambling skeletons that rattle in a misery that accompanies being dead and stripped of all living parts will receive a ten-percent discount. Old ones with a body that has been torn by the great length and weight of time, holding within them a spirit that has seen kingdoms rise and fall in blood and agony, will receive a fifteen-percent discount. The Ralph’s would also like to make it clear that “seniors” refers to those who have existed in this plane or another for over 65 years. Ghosts that have only existed for about 40 years are not technically seniors, despite being dead. Charlie Bayer, the shift manager of the Ralph’s, wants to remind all patrons that the day for undead discounts is on Friday, and is not to be confused with senior discount days.In other news, our most well-read defender of Night Vale and knowledge and councilwoman Tamika Flynn recently announced in a press release that she would like to start escorted library visits into the Night Vale Library. This shocked many reporters there, who generally stayed away from the library due to the fact that librarians are incredibly dangerous and even getting near the library, close enough for them to smell you, can put you in harm’s way.“Knowledge is important,” said Tamika Flynn, holding City Council back on a harness and feeding them a tangerine, “and it’s important for people to have free access to knowledge. Even if you don’t use it yourself, it needs to be there for people who want to use it. Librarians are dangerous, but they’re not impervious to a copy of Zora Neale Hurston’s ‘Their Eyes Were Watching God’ getting flung into their face and lodged in one of their nostrils. As long as you are being protected by a vigilant teen militia, there’s nothing wrong with going into a library in search of knowledge. I want to give people the chance I had to complete the summer reading list, but give them a chance that threatens their life a little less.”As City Council began to growl and scratch at the floor, perhaps in protest to Flynn’s statements, they were fed a few more tangerines and had Tolstoy’s ‘War and Peace’ thrust in front of their many limbs, which seemed to calm them down. Or it just scared them. It’s like, really hard to tell how City Council is feeling, with their constantly shifting mass and horrifying form of faces and limbs and mouths frothing in what is almost definitely an insatiable hunger.And now, horoscopes.Scorpio: Things are getting a lot better, Scorpio. Better than they’ve ever been before. Way, way better, Scorpio. I hope things keep getting better and better. They’re already pretty good now, but I really hope them keep improving. The stars are saying that, Scorpio. They really think that things are going in a great direction, and they’re glad you’re around. Good work, Scorpio. You’re a good man and a good father.Sagittarius: Did you forget something, Sagittarius? Are you sure you haven’t forgotten something incredibly important? Did you bring your keys with you? Do you have your wallet? Did you leave the car running? Is the oven still on at home? Did you leave the back door open? Is that an itch you forgot about on your back, right where you can’t reach it? Did you shower last night? Try and remember, Sagittarius. This one is important.Capricorn: Look inside yourself, Capricorn. If you do so, you will see many things. Mostly organs. All of them moving inside of you, pulsing, living. Look inside yourself, Capricorn, and you will see that you are a feeble vessel containing parts that know nothing of your individual existence. You, Capricorn, are not your body. If you look inside yourself, Capricorn, you will see that you are very distant from the thing you have so long considered yourself to be. Also, you should consider taking a trip next month. Just a suggestion.Aquarius: You’ve got this! Y-O-U! You’ve got this, Aquarius! You really do! You know what you’ve got? You’ve got seasonal allergies! Not now. But soon. Soon. Take right now to appreciate how you can breathe without that awful feeling of a stuffy nose and a shaky breath followed by a wet cough. Appreciate how you can fall asleep without a headache, without aching, sore sinuses. Every moment for you right now is one you will envy in a couple of days, so really take the time to enjoy how you are existing.Pisces: We lost our predictions for Pisces. Sorry about that. I mean, that’s what the stars said. We, NVCR, did not lose our predictions. The stars however misplaced their notes for what will surely await Pisces this month, and they assure us that they meant to give them to us, but for some reason their notes for Pisces specifically are all missing. Whatever, though, the stars said. It was probably nothing you need to worry about. Probably.Aries: Try to avoid making plans, Aries. You never know what kind of events life will spring on you. Anything could happen. Anything. Your entire house could be slowly pulled underground and swallowed by a pit of quicksand while you sleep, and then you won’t be able to meet Linda for coffee on Thursday because you’ll be too busy stuck in quicksand with your house. Don’t make a commitment to something you cannot keep for sure, Aries.Taurus: I’m just thinking about how nice it is going out with you, Taurus. Like getting drinks with you. The way you elegantly sip your bellinis while hiding from the growling bartender and offer your pretzels when the thrashing becomes too chaotic is so sweet! It’s like when we go to a Starbucks and you very politely talk to the barista about making those little foam flowers in lattes while everyone is backing up and cowering at the sight of the barista doubling in height and growing spines. I just love that about you, Taurus. Oh, I can’t wait to go out tonight, and do all the cold weather things we do not get to do normally because we live in the nearly constant heat of the desert.Gemini: You’ll have a lot of experiences, Gemini! A lot of them. No, really, a lot . It’ll be one of the most action-packed months you’ve ever had. These experiences will however all be out of order, an anachronistic tapestry undoing itself before your very eyes. You’re going to need to sort it out at the end of all of it, trying to figure out how all these events tied into one another, and in what order they might have happened. But let me spare you some time by telling you that your bathroom ceiling collapsing actually happens before every window in your house bursts into a puff of powdered glass that you need to take extra care to clean up. Yeah, I know. Doesn’t make sense, but that’s what happens.Cancer: Your love life will take an exciting turn, Cancer! You’ll find that the spiders in your home will finally take a liking to you. You will wake up covered in all of the house spiders that live in your home, clinging to your still-warm from as you pull yourself out of sleep. They’ll be everywhere, Cancer. They’ll be on every surface that your body provides, and cloak your body in a swath of spiders that really love you. Your mouth, you’ll find, will even be full of spiders. You will cough out spiders as you try to breath through your mouth, and find that there are even spiders clinging to your eyes.Leo: [the very distorted sound of a cactus wren calling to another of its species]Virgo: Things will be much easier for you, Virgo. Much easier. And this means just about everything. Work will be easier. Eating will be easier. Sleeping will be easier. Living will be easier. Dying will be easier. Disappearing into this large universe with no concern for the trivial needs of a small species inhabiting one planet will be easier. Feeling the weight of existing slide off of your shoulders because you truly do not matter will be easier. Instead of that realization being crushing, making you feel hopeless, you will realize it is simply a fact of life, and it does not make your small life any less important, because no matter how minute it is, it is still your life, and one you are living. Oh, yeah, and knitting? Way easier. You should pick up knitting while you’ve got a good grasp on it.Libra: Take some time to relax, Libra. Lie down and imagine that there is something inside of you that can only be released by lying down and not thinking about anything. Focus on your senses, and the actual things that the reality around you provide. Focus on the present moment, and everything that this moment can tell you about what it feels like to exist. Focus, focus, Libra. That’s the only way that this thing is going to slowly seep out of your skin and scuttle down your drain once it is released, finally free, finally able to live a life in the world outside of your ribcage.Oh...Oh, my, listeners.This is unheard of.Right now, from where I am sitting in my booth, I can see snow.It’s snowing . In all my life living in the desert, I have only seen snow a handful of times. All of those times, it was snow that was occuring because of some kind of malevolent force, so generally, the snow was accompanied by bricks or shovels. But right now, listeners, it is simply snowing, and nothing more.It’s...well, it’s really quite beautiful, seeing so much of it falling. It must be fascinating seeing this happen every winter. There is something so calming and so terrifying about this crystalized water falling down towards the earth.
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Hmm?Oh…Oh, no…Listeners, Carlos says that the temperature has been dropping exponentially in the past fifteen or so minutes. He says it has dropped to the freezing point in just fifteen minutes, and that we may not have as much time as he had originally estimated.Due to the snow, listeners, several streets have closed down, because we live in a desert, and in a desert, the smallest concentrations of snow are a reason for serious panic. Stay inside your homes, listeners. The power of snow is unknown, but it should certainly not be taken lately. Try and stay warm as long as you can, to best stave out a freezing end that looms above us, approaching faster than we anticipated.While you do that, dear listeners, I take you to...the Weather.Ladies and gentlemen, and all of those outside and in between.I am very shocked.The increasingly colder temperatures that we have been experiencing all day were not the result of some impending doom that threatened all of Night Vale.Instead, it was merely the result of a snowfall spell cast by director of emergency press conferences Pamela Winchell, who at first denied it because it "sounded kinda dumb now that you're all saying it out loud", but then admitted to it as it was "still a pretty cool move" on her part. As soon as it began snowing and streets began closing, Winchell gave an impromptu emergency press conference in City Hall and said...well, actually, I recorded the whole thing, so I’ll just play it.
PAMELA: Citizens of Night Vale!
PAMELA: You all drive way too slowly!
PAMELA: I mean, I am assuming that’s what you’re inside. I can’t see cars. All I can see is people in vague sitting positions moving their legs disjointedly as they move down the street. But I can see that you are not doing it fast enough. When I go to pick up my dog from school, I am always waiting in the cue for at least twenty minutes, and I have like, zero time for that.
PAMELA: You’re probably wondering, ‘oh, I love how eclairs taste’, and I want to tell you right now you’ve never actually had a good eclair until you’ve been to Francia. The eclairs there are the absolute best, filled with wood pulp and eel skin. Delicious.
PAMELA: I guess some small number of you might also be wondering why it’s snowing. It’s kind of weird for it to snow in the desert, right? I mean, not the weirdest thing. Not as weird as thinking an eclair from Not Francia would be good, but still weird. It’s snowing because you all drive too slowly. I had to pick up my dog Madam Hellbender from school, and I was kind of in a hurry because she had a doctor’s appointment right after. And I’m always waiting in the pick-up queue for like, fifteen minutes, and I'm a little pressed for time. If I’m in a queue for more than five minutes I get hives, because I am very allergic to people who take too long to do really easy things. I am also allergic to penicillin, cashews, vaguely uncomfortable situations, and the day Sunsaturday.
PAMELA: I decided I’d make it snow because that would definitely keep people from driving, because nobody out here has snow tires. Does anyone know what snow tires look like, by the way? I can’t see cars. Are they tires made of snow? Anyways, this was all a way for me to be able to quickly hand glide to school to pick up my dog and precious daughter. Drive safely and a little faster next time, Night Vale.
Winchell then quickly rode out of City Hall riding a flame-decal segway, holding a fluffy Pomeranian dressed in the most adorable little sweater I have ever seen. Gosh, Pamela, your dog is just so cute, and I love her so much. I bet she’s a wonderful student.Usually, Night Vale, this is when we talk about how once again, we have narrowly escape some impending catastrophe.But today, there was no impending catastrophe.Instead, it was merely a series of events that seemed at first to be indicative of some danger. Things that coincided with what we perceive to be ominous and malevolent, but were instead the result of someone who just really needed to pick her dog up from school on time.A moment of pure horror, listeners, does not indicate that a particular span of time will be one that causes you harm. Though we tend to assume that these scary moments are an affront to our daily livelihoods, most of the time, when we look back on those moments, we realize that they never quite had that weight.When you feel like this, listeners, remember that situations are multi-faceted. The terror you see in front of you, writhing and pulsing and encroaching on your relative state of calm, may be coming from nothing at all. When you really look at the fears you are having, you may realize they come from something that is not to be feared at all.Stay tuned next for the sound of a man getting up out of his chair. A man who is very excited about spending an unusually snowy evening going out with his husband and doing snowy evening-type date things, like drinking hot chocolate and cuddling under a heavy blanket.Good night, Night Vale.Good night.