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"You're on the roof again. Why?" A voice asked, holding both concern and disapproval in its tone. The rain was unforgiving, washing its cold into Ryan's already soaked skin. Not that he minded though, his capacity to feel had already abandoned his body a day ago and left him with the numbness."You're going to catch a cold." The voice repeated once more."Does it look like I care, Sarah?" He asked flatly, glancing sidelong at the girl who moved carefully to sit beside him. He found it ironic that even though she was telling him not to stay under the rain she was joining him. Then again, he couldn't blame her for wanting to because she too was mourning for the loss of her love. A person who coincidentally happened to be Ryan's parabatai, his fighting partner that he was bound to and sworn to protect with his life.Even in the rain, he knew Sarah was crying. Her bright blue eyes, which had always been so full of life and love, was now filled with sorrow and grief. She was trembling beside him but it wasn't from the cold. Without any hesitation, he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in. Then she began to cry, sobs that racked through her body and shook his in the process. He was past the point where he could shed tears but the unbearable twinges he felt in his chest awoken with her pain. His lower lip wobbled even though he was biting it so hard that it'd bleed from his teeth."W-Why did Brendon have to do this to us?" Sarah questioned, starting to sound incoherent from her whimpers.To us, Ryan thought numbly. "I don't know." His tone was dead.She began to weep once more. While he knew that Sarah loved Brendon and that her heart was now broken because of his selfish actions, he couldn't help but feel as if his pain weighed more than her sorrow; it wasn't fair to think so but it was a different story for him.
He remembered the day he asked Brendon to be his parabatai. It had been the end of summer, the day he had turned fourteen. That time, Brendon had transferred from the Honolulu Institute recently and wasn't very familiar with his new home, the Chicago Institute, despite the fact that he had already been staying with the Ross household for about two months; he only knew his way from his room to the training room, kitchen and the front door.
Ryan had snuck away from the party downstairs even away from Jace Herondale, his idol who had been giving him advice on killing demons - as if he hadn't had enough of those - and was climbing the stairs two steps at a time. Brendon usually frequented the training room during their spare time and Ryan had been right to think he'd be there.
The brunet had his knife-throwing stance ready, already taking aim for the bulls-eye when Ryan crept up quietly from behind. Something in the air must've shifted because Brendon had straightened and glanced over his shoulder, in time to catch Ryan ducking behind a pillar. He had laughed. Ryro, I know you're there! I can see your shoe sticking out. Do me a solid and grab me my towel, will you?
Ryan had done as the younger boy requested and watched secretly as Brendon wiped his brow. While there was nothing attractive about sweating, Ryan thought he looked cute with his flushed skin and messy hair. In fact, he thought everything about Brendon was cute, right from his wide expressive brown eyes, full lips down to the his ankles - to be honest, Ryan never believed feet could look that good until he saw Brendon's.
Everything about him seemed flawless that it was a wonder how Ryan had never gotten jealous of him.
Why aren't you at the party? Brendon had asked, breaking Ryan's reverie. I thought you wouldn't miss a chance to meet Jace Herondale. You always said you'd chop off your left hand just to see him.
Ryan had flushed in embarrassment. Well, yea. He is here but he isn't as ... cool as I thought. I mean, he's really great but his humor started to grate on me.
I guess my sister was right. Helen says you can't stand sarcasm unless it's coming from you. Brendon had chuckled, earning an aggrieved frown from Ryan. I bet you got a lot of presents.
Ryan had shrugged. Just more dangerous weapons, steles and gear. The usual. Then he had noticed the fleeting look of sadness on Brendon's features and knew right away that he was thinking of his family, who had been killed during a demon attack. His heart squeezed with guilt for having sounded so nonchalant about receiving birthday gifts from his family while Brendon could never have the chance to celebrate with the Uries.
Biting his lower lip, he had embraced his friend. Brendon had made a surprised noise and tried to squirm away, saying he was disgustingly sweaty, but gave up anyway and held Ryan back. There were many times when they had shared hugs, and Ryan was often filled with a giddy sort of happiness when they did, but all he had felt was the need to support Brendon.
Listen, I -- Ryan started nervously, drawing away. I was wondering ...
Wondering about what? Brendon asked curiously, regarding him with those pretty brown eyes.
I want to be your parabatai. Ryan blurted out. There was a moment of stunned silence. And the way Brendon was looking at him, shocked, made Ryan think that he had been a fool to even suggest the idea. They were both young and they hadn't had the time to fully know each other and here Ryan was telling Brendon that he wanted to both of them to be bound to each other by a permanent oath as though it was like getting matching bracelets. Flushing in embarrassment, he started to amend himself when Brendon placed both hands on Ryan's shoulders, halting the older boy from running away.
Brendon had looked at him then with a serious expression, and Ryan was worried that he might tell him to reconsider, when the brunet's lips upwards curled ever so slightly. Ryan, are you sure?
The older boy thought about the times they had both worked together, how they had dispatched demons as easily as the older and more experienced shadowhunters, how they instinctively knew each other's movements in battle. He thought of their friendship, how Brendon could always cheer him up even when he was in the foulest of moods and how he was always a part of Brendon's better judgment of things.
I'm sure. And the binding ceremony was performed a few days after and when Ryan had drawn the parabatai rune over Brendon's chest all he could feel was a swell of happiness and pride. And when Brendon had done the same, all he felt for him was love. It wasn't Eros, the earthly love that was forbidden unto them, back then but as time passed and the two became even closer Ryan had felt something.
It had been when Brendon was telling him about what he envisioned in the future when they were practicing archery. They had been sixteen then and were having a serious conversation when Brendon asked him what Ryan wanted for his future. I don't know. I just know I can't imagine it without you in the picture. The older boy answered.
Brendon had chuckled, flushing red. Aw, you just love me that much. Don't you? He had spoken it in a joking tone but something, something selfish in Ryan that disregarded the parabatai rules imposed on, wanted to say yes, in the manner of admitting that he was in love with Brendon. And he had been harboring these feelings for his partner for some time; he desperately wanted to tell him. Surely, Brendon wouldn't mind, right? After all, the two had an inside joke that they might marry each other if they didn't marry by the age of twenty-five - although that would mean that their parabatai bond must be severed, Ryan didn't care. As long as he had Brendon, life would be infinitely better.
But when Sarah walked into the room, Ryan had choked on his answer as the girl gave Brendon a kiss on the lips. He felt the bitter stirring in his chest when Brendon smiled at her and pecked her forehead. He was, in part, happy that his partner had found somebody as good as Sarah but at the same time, he was selfishly discontent.
The loud clap of thunder snapped Ryan back to the present. He was all the more aware of the cold seeping into his skin. And he sneezed, causing Sarah to jolt from her reverie too.
"Okay, we'd better get inside then." She said, placing a hand on his shoulder. He looked at her sadly before following her back in. When they walked down the corridors to their room, Ryan stopped at Brendon's door. Sarah was already continuing ahead, shivering, and she didn't notice that he had fallen behind. Once she disappeared round the corner, he pushed the door and entered.
Inside, it looked exactly as the other unoccupied rooms in the Institute and it was a jarring sight to Ryan as he was used to seeing Brendon's stuff thrown around the place like a hurricane had visited recently. The bed was made, something his old parabatai never did, although if Ryan concentrated hard enough, he could smell the faint trace of his scent in the room. He didn't even realize his eyes stinging from tears until he laid down on the mattress and rested his face on a pillow. He wasn't aware of the hours that drifted by as he cried, remembering how pain had flared in his chest where his parabatai rune was located when they stripped Brendon of his Marks.
How unbearable it had been as he rushed into the room where the ceremony was held to find Brendon lying on the floor, gasping for air and suffering from the loss of what made him Nephilim with his skin a brutal shade of red. How he had felt like dying as he held Brendon in his arms and sobbed into his neck. The other shadowhunters had to pry him away from Brendon, even place the Rune of Quietude to silence his screams and a Sleep Now rune so he'd stop attacking at everyone who tried to haul him away.
Ryan jolted awake the next morning out of nightmares of losing Brendon to unspeakable situations and having his heart torn from his chest. Pulling himself to a sitting position, he rubbed his face and felt the dried tears on his skin. He shuffled groggily over to the mirror and removed his shirt. There were thick black runes decorating his body as well as scars from faded ones. The Mark that stood out to him the most was the already faded parabatai rune, a reminder of the bond that was severed and an oath that was broken. He bit his lip, swearing not to cry but his eyes began to sting so he stepped away from the mirror.
He began to search the room for anything that Brendon had left, a new sense of determination filling him.
Sed lex dura lex or 'the Law is hard but it is the Law.'
He didn't care if this meant he was breaking it if he attempted to track Brendon down. All he cared was that he needed one last time to see the person he loved the most, one chance to say a proper goodbye.
Ryan was standing in the rain again, his clothes already dripping from the downpour. Despite the cold, all he felt was the burning sense of determination in his chest. Having placed glamor runes on himself so he could travel unnoticed amongst the mundanes, he wove in and out of the crowds to the shelter of a nearby bus stop. There, he placed a Thermis rune on his left forearm to keep himself warm before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a leather cuff bracelet.
It had been Brendon's, something of his from his family, but he didn't take it with him. While it was fortunate that Ryan found it tucked under the mattress, he couldn't help but wonder if Brendon had always wanted to renounce the Shadowhunting part of his life all along. He didn't allow himself to dwell on it, instead closed the bracelet into his left hand and drew a Tracking rune on his wrist.
The stele left a familiar stinging sensation as dark lines swirled to form a Mark. Once he was finished, Ryan shut his eyes and allowed the rune to take effect. Then a series of images flickered behind his eyelids like a cinematic movie with perfect clarity. He saw mundanes milling about in an area, an apartment building, the street name and the apartment number.
A mixture of surprise and confusion bloomed in Ryan. While he knew that Brendon was twenty-one and considered an adult in the mundane world, how had he gotten a place to stay in the city so quickly? Pocketing the bracelet, he tried to find his way towards the street he had seen in his vision.
After removing his glamor runes, he asked for directions from the mundanes, whom all casted strange looks at his runes. It was uncomfortable to be stared at, a young man dripping wet from the rain with funny-looking Marks on his body, but the Persuasion rune he had placed on his left shoulder helped to keep them from asking questions. It was already twilight when he found his way to the apartment building and entered.
The doorman didn't notice him as he slipped past him to the elevators. Pressing the button of Brendon's floor number, he caught the sight of himself in the mirrored walls and winced. Messy, curly strands stuck to his face and there was an almost hungry, determined look in his eyes. No wonder some of the mundanes had flinched away from him. Once the elevator doors opened, Ryan stepped out and hurried down the corridor to the apartment he had seen.
Sure enough, he found it and was about to knock when he stopped. How would Brendon react to him? Feeling anxiety grabbing hold of him, he drew the Open rune on the door lock. Then he pushed the door open.
Music was floating down the entryway when Ryan stepped in. Carefully, he walked inside before he stopped by the kitchen door. When he peered inside, his heart began to pound and hurt.
There Brendon was, preparing dinner with a smile on his face while a taller man with bright blue eyes looked on affectionately.
Ryan's chest constricted painfully when Brendon and the man shared a kiss and stumbled away in horror and disbelief. How could Brendon have found someone else so quickly? He was careless in that moment, tripping over the carpet and falling with thud on the floor. The conversations from the kitchen ceased at once.
With his pulse drumming in his ears, he scrambled to his feet and made for the door when the voice that haunted his dreams called out, sounding surprised. "Ryan?"
Ryan's hand was on the doorknob but he was too shocked to move. Slowly, he looked over his shoulder.
And Brendon was staring at him, nonplussed, with his eyebrows arched and his lips parted. "Ryan, is that you?"
Ryan tried to answer but his voice was swallowed up when the taller man appeared from the kitchen. The look of shock was replaced on with a confused one as the other boy regarded Brendon questioningly. "Who is he?" He demanded.
When Brendon didn't answer, he frowned sternly at Ryan, pointing. "Look, I don't care who you are but I'm calling the cops if you won't leave my boyfriend and I --"
"Boyfriend?" Ryan choked. "Brendon, what --"
"Dallon, just go back to the kitchen. I'll be alright." Brendon told his lover before his features hardened as he approached Ryan and yanked him out the door.
Ryan struggled against his grip but gave up when his fingers dug into his skin. They were outside in the corridor when Brendon spoke once more. "What are you doing here? You know the Law, Ryan!"
When Ryan had pictured their reunion, it didn't have an angry-looking Brendon in the scene. He thought his former parabatai would be thrilled to see him again but it was the opposite.
"I don't care about the Law." Ryan said firmly. "I came here to see you."
"You'll be punished!" Brendon exclaimed, aghast. "Ryan, I'm touched that you came to look for me but you're going to be punished if anyone finds out!"
"So?" Ryan's body began to shake with fury. How could Brendon not be happy to see him? All he seemed to care was about the Laws that he was no longer bound to. It wasn't fair! "I risked my neck to see you and all you can say is this bullshit?"
Brendon's face turned red. "I'm not a Shadowhunter anymore." He exhaled. "When I renounced that part of my life, you were supposed to disappear with it!" It was like being stabbed when Ryan heard those words.
He sucked in gasp, staring at Brendon.
"I know that you believe the parabatai rune still binds us, in body and in spirit but there's a reason why our Marks faded." Brendon pulled his collar low enough for Ryan to see the faded Rune. "I'm no longer bound to you as you are bound to me."
"But --"
A look of pain flashed over Brendon's face as he reached forward to touch Ryan's cheek. His thumb moved to wipe away the other person's tear. "Are you having trouble letting me go?"
Ryan nodded.
"If you love me, please I beg you, let me go. I don't want to cause you any more pain than I've already put you through." Brendon whispered, his eyes bearing sorrow. "
"How can I? Brendon, I'm in love with you. You're the better part of my soul. Without you --" Ryan sobbed. "I don't know what I'll become."
"You silly boy. You weren't supposed to fall in love with me."
"Yet here I am."
Brendon shook his head. "I should've known the day you asked me to be your parabatai. You were in love with me all along, weren't you?"
Ryan was silent. "Entreat me not to leave thee." He paused, inhaling shakily. "You didn't keep your part of the oath. You didn't plead me to stop you from leaving." He was starting to sound like a kicked puppy, whining.
Brendon smiled sadly. "And you didn't stop yourself from falling for me. I guess we didn't uphold the oath, did we?" He laughed but without mirth. Slowly, he leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Ryan's.
It was bittersweet and Ryan tasted tears, both his and Brendon's mixing together. Desperately, his hands cupped Brendon's face and kissed him like Brendon was his air and he was drowning from the lack of oxygen. And then they drew away from each other, breathless from the intensity of it all. Ryan choked back a sob as he stepped away from Brendon.
"You'll always be my boy." The brunet told Ryan when he seized his wrist to stop the Shadowhunter from leaving.
But Ryan couldn't bear to say the same to the person whom he'd once lay his life down for, to protect till his last breath, to love unconditionally when the world had turned its back on them. Pulling his hand away from Brendon's he shook his head and stumbled away from him.
The words of the parabatai oath returned to him as he went back to the Institute, recited by his and Brendon's voice in unison.
"Entreat me not to leave thee,
Or return from following after thee-
For whither thou goest, I will go,
And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.
Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.
Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.
The Angel do so to me, and more also,
If aught but death part thee and me."