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It was supposed to be a happy day. A chance to finally hold a concert at their dream venue. The Seoul Olympic Park Gymnastic arena. A goal BTS and especially Namjoon had always been working towards.And don’t get him wrong. It had been a magical night. Unreal and emotional. A time of celebration and thankfulness with. A night that seemed like a blur yet was etched into their memory forever.But just as BTS had always had to endure hardship and criticism, it seemed like it was too much to ask whether this day would end well. While behind the stage was pure nervousness and a flurry of activity a storm was brewing online, ready to greet them when they walked off stage.--It wasn’t the first time such an issue was raised. No, they had already had to deal with this issue in May 2015, their company even went to court for it. But it seemed like this name was now stuck to them. A brand they couldn’t escape, a lie set in stone.When Bangtan finally got off stage, it seemed like that staff was trying to discourage them from going online, but they weren’t going to stop them. For one, they were adults capable of making their own decisions and second because they would eventually find out. It just seemed like a wrong time to be finding out.Against his better judgement, Namjoon, feeling it his responsibility as a leader, did check on social media, and to say his heart dropped was an understatement. It was like someone had stabbed him and left his heart to bleed and he was slowly becoming numb.Again, against his better judgement he began to scroll through the comments. “It’s just to clarify what is going on” he told himself. But he knew. He knew better than anyone that he was crushing his own mind and soul by reading through the comments.“Plagiarism Boys”, “Plagiarism Soneyeondan”. For several minutes Namjoon scrolled through. Mind numb and suddenly feeling very tired. The accusations were preposterous, but what was even worse were other ways in which people were trying to tarnish their hard work.It must have shown on his face because that is when Hoseok came and sat beside him, snatching the phone from his hand and seeing what Namjoon was looking at.He visibly flinched when he saw the tag, running his hands through his hair and he tried to make sense of what was going on. In his confusion he pressed the back button and scrolled down to see many other hashtags of similar nature. But then he saw one “Bangtan We love you” and his heart unclenched, just a tiny bit. He quickly sat down beside Namjoon, trying to give him comfort by showing him the tag.Hoseok shoved the phone in front of Namjoon’s face who was sitting slumped against the sofa, eyes unfocused and lips turned down “Namjoon-ah!” He said. “Look here, ARMY is still supporting us”. He tried to show Namjoon the hashtag.Namjoon’s mind seemed to be under water as he slowly moved to take the phone and focused his eyes on the screen. “Bangtan we love you” the tag read, and he tried to feel happy seeing it. It was definitely comfort, but the crushing weight of the other tags was making it hard for him to think, breathe even.He tried to give Hoseok a smile, but it probably turned out looking pained because Hoseok sort of lost the bit of spark he had left in his eyes and his lips turned down.He gently patted Namjoon and told him quietly to pack up so that they can leave for the dorms.Namjoon only nodded in reply. Slowly getting up and packing everything. Unsure of the hundred things going through his head and the heaviness he felt in his chest.--It was only a matter of time before the rest of Bangtan found out about the issue when they arrived at the dorm. One by one they saw what had transpired. Reacting in various ways. Some like Yoongi and Jungkook were quiet. Taehyung and Jimin were in denial, trying to say how this was a mistake. Hoseok was slightly more aware by now and was cursing a bit about people accusing without proof and Jin sat beside Namjoon, his hand gently stroking his hair and his neck to soothe and ease the tension from him. So far it didn’t seem to be working because Namjoon was just as tense as when Jin had sat down. They all needed food but didn’t have an appetite. The pizza they had ordered was sitting on the table cooling itself.It was already pretty late, they should be preparing for bed but they all sat in the living room, too sad and worried to say anything, with only Hoseok’s occasional curse heard here and there.Eventually when it around one o’ clock and none of them had made an effort to move, Seokjin could no longer stand it and he gently moved Namjoon off his shoulder. The guy had finally probably exhausted himself by overthinking and had slumped back into Jin, letting him comfort him.Seokjin got up and handed each of them a plate, putting a few pizza slices on them. He then got some water in a jug and some cups for all of them to drink water. Slowly, they all began to eat. Taking more time than usual, but eating nonetheless. As soon as someone would finish Jin would tell them to go wash themselves and head to bed, telling them that they would discuss this tomorrow with the company and with a more rested mind and body. One by one, the BTS members made their way to their room, finally leaving Namjoon and Jin behind.Jin held out a hand to Namjoon to get him off the sofa and on his way to the bathroom, who after staring at it for a few second finally took it. When he stood up Jin gave him a short hug and then clapped him on the back, hoping that Namjoon would at least be able to rest a bit before things truly went to hell in the morning.After briefly making sure that the place didn’t look an absolute mess and as soon as Namjoon came out of the bathroom, Jin bid him goodnight and went to wash up as well. He wanted to say something to Namjoon, but knew that for now it was best to let the leader process and think on his own before he tried to dispel any worries.Over the next several days, the boys saw one article after another from news outlets talking about the accusations. The netizens were ruthless, ready to tear apart a group that had worked itself from the bottom up. The general public didn’t care much for idols and was much used to scandals and therefore did not provide a very positive front either.And at Bighit, Bangtan continued with their schedule, trying to keep working to distract them from the constant barrage of hate thrown their way. Trying to stay away from the internet for a while. And while all of this was taking a toll on the members it was taking the most toll on their leader. All of Bangtan had already been in several meetings regarding the issue. But being the spokesperson for the group, Namjoon had met one-on-one with Bang PD and other managers often to get insight on what was going on and how the company was going to handle it.It was a stressful time, one that especially was hard on the leader of BTS who would find himself frustrated and depressed by finding out what people were saying. He knew, he was not good at handling negativity. It made him loose confidence in himself, it targeted his ideals and it bothered him to no end. Yet, he still could not bring himself to stop thinking, to let it go, to feel assured that the issue had already been dealt with and that people will continue to believe what they want.As a leader, despite knowing it was none of his fault, a small part of him blamed himself for bringing this upon the other members. Maybe he should have foreseen this, maybe he should have been more careful with what they did, maybe just maybe he could have prevented this.--It was a night when he had already spent up to 15 hours in his studio, yet he had done close to nothing. He felt agitated and his brain was in overdrive. Nothing was making sense. Yet he still had stubbornly sat in front of the computer screen.Another sigh escaped him as he clicked on the beat once again because he hadn’t really heard it. That’s when someone knocked on the door.Wondering who it was, he got up from where he was sitting and opened the door to find none other than the eldest member of bangtan standing there, a plastic bag in his hand from probably one of their favourite food places.“May I come in?” the eldest asked in a soft voice and Namjoon stepped back to allow him in as a way of answering.Jin nodded his head in thank you and made his way over to the sofa and made himself comfortable. Closing the door, Namjoon went back to his seat, and after a few moments of fiddling with the paper on his desk decided to put the headphones back on his ear when Jin spoke“Namjoon-ah”, he said softly.He turned his face to the elder looking at the soft yet firm expression on his face.“Tell hyung what’s bothering you?” Seokjin said.Namjoon opened his mouth to say that it was nothing, he really didn’t want to be making a big deal out of his feelings, but Jin seemed to know that’s what he was going to say and said “And don’t say it’s nothing.”Namjoon did not respond. Instead he put the headphones down, his chin jutting out like it did when there was too much on his mind and he was frustrated. He stared at the table, feeling too tired to even look up.When he didn’t respond for several minutes, Jin said “Come here” and patted the space next to him on the sofa.Namjoon hesitated. Thinking of refusing and telling Jin he’s okay and that he would be fine. But something in the elder’s gaze made him get up from his chair and make his way to him. He sat down heavily beside Seokjin, still not looking up.“How was your day Namjoon?” Jin asked. “Is there another nice beat I can listen to?” he asked. He had turned to his side to completely look at Namjoon.“No” was all Namjoon managed to say. He felt all the energy leaving him, leaving behind an emptiness he hated yet was very familiar with.“That’s okay. I’m sure you will have another amazing idea soon. Now tell me, what is bothering you, Hyung will listen?” Jin said, now moving his hand to softly brush Namjoon’s hair.Maybe it was the touch, maybe it was just the emptiness, but Namjoon found himself placing his head on Jin’s shoulder, and Jin only hesitated a second before wrapping his hands softly around Namjoon.They stayed like that for a while, Seokjin gently stroking his neck, “Namjoon-ah, saranghae”, Jin said softly and Namjoon couldn’t stop the tears that started to fall. It was like a flood gate had been opened and he was no longer in control. It had been a while since he had cried this hard. His whole body shook as he sobbed in the embrace of his hyung, who kept repeating what he said earlier over and over.After an eternity, (not really it had been about 15 minutes), Namjoon finally managed to choke out “Hyung, why do people hurt each other?”Seokjin hummed in response. Knowing it was Namjoon merely stating his thoughts out loud. “Why, despite being humans and understanding what pain is, do we cause each other pain? Why must there be so much pain in the world? Why are we constantly striving to be happy when someone will eventually cause us pain anyway?”Namjoon seemed to ponder about his own questions for a while before saying again “I feel like I let you guys down.” He finally said. Seokjin looked at him, an understanding expression on his face “Do you now?” he asked Namjoon in a soft voice. “How do you think you’ve let us down?”“I feel like I could have done more to prevent this. Maybe I should have been more perceptive of what people would think. Maybe if I hadn’t been so excited looking at all the nice things we were finally achieving I could have avoided us going through this pain.” Namjoon said, a fresh set of tears making their way down his cheeks.Seokjin wiped them away “Namjoon, there is nothing you could have done to stop this. You know it and we all know it, so please stop thinking like that. People will say things to hurt others because they are jealous or they feel like that others aren’t deserving. But in place of those people are many more who will support you and tell you that you deserve it. Don’t let those causing you pain occupy your thoughts, let those who cheer you on be the ones guiding you. Don’t you think it’s disrespectful to all those fans who are constantly defending and cheering us if we ignore their voice and continue to listen to those hating on us?”“Ah, but Hyung, as much as I try, I can’t stop thinking about all the negativity, all the stress and the damage control and especially the name we now have attached to us. ‘Plagiarism Boys’ ”, he said, his face contorting as if he had tasted something bitter.“Didn’t you say so yourself Namjoon-ah, that they won’t see us coming? People succeed when others wish them to fail, so we are going to succeed and show it to those who hate us that their hate is no longer our concern. We will keep standing on stage proud as long as we have even a few people behind us, because that’s what we stand for.” Seokjin said.After listening to Seokjin’s words (and crying his heart out) Namjoon finally felt a bit better. His Hyung was right, he had always lived fiercely, and he was not about to give up now. For every hate they can rise above it and keep soaring higher. That’s how you leave those people behind.He had ended up lying in Seokjin’s lap at some point while he cried, and he laid there for a while as Seokjin continued to stroke his hair, feeling a bit more at peace than he had for the past several weeks since the concert. He was grateful for his Hyung’s presence and would probably have fallen asleep right there if he hadn’t heard Seokjin’s stomach growl and he couldn’t suppress a smile as he looked up at his Hyung who looking embarrassed.“What, I haven’t eaten yet because I was worried about you!”, Seokjin said trying hard not to blush but failing miserably. They both ended up laughing and Namjoon finally got up and hugged his Hyung. “Let’s have some of that food then.” he said, smiling as he rested his chin on Seokjin’s shoulder.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When it came to being self-critical in Bangtan the competition was tough already. With Namjoon finding faults in everything he thought and said, to Jungkook feeling like he wasn’t being as active as he should be, it was a miracle there were some who decided to stay a bit more positive. But perhaps the member who took self-criticism the furthest was Park Jimin.Park Jimin, with his mindset of a perfectionist often became rather…obsessed with achieving his goals, often extreme and unhealthy in one way or another.From being self-critical about his appearance, to his voice to his dancing, Jimin often became his own worst enemy with such thoughts.--The HYYH trilogy had brought much success to Bangtan. It had brought hope to their music career, which had been an uphill battle for the past two years. Now that the trilogy was nearing the end, Bangtan was already working on their Wings album. The concepts were already under discussion with the story taking direction such that youth experiences the change of adulthood.With the more adult theme also came the idea of representing a sexier charm, especially since all of Bangtan were legal adults now. Moreover, the members were given the chance to work on solo songs for the first time, showing a growth in their musical journey.It was also around this time that one of the Bangtan members became self-critical of their own appearance as well. In order to achieve the sexy charm they began a diet regimen that was nowhere near healthy and very worrisome.--It was another early morning at the Bangtan dorm and half the members were in the kitchen, while the other half was either already prepared for the day or slowly getting ready and checking their phones as they updated themselves on the world. Jimin lay on the couch scrolling tiredly through his phone when he felt a presence come and stop near him. Knowing full well who it was Jimin held back a sigh as he looked up at Jin standing there with a banana extended towards him as he ate one himself.A scene like this had been going on nearly everyday since Jimin had decided to diet about two weeks ago and he was getting increasingly annoyed by it. He knew part of his annoyance stemmed from his diet but he chose ignore that thought.“No thank you, hyung”, he said trying to keep his voice polite.Jin waved the banana at him again, staying silent but keeping his eyes trained on Jimin. He was also eating his own banana slowly so that he didn’t have to move to grab another one.Jimin rubbed a hand over his face and in order to hold himself back from saying something rude he decided to go back to his phone.Not deterred in the least, Jin continued to stand their calmly finishing his banana. He knew despite Jimin’s persistence, he couldn’t ignore a person for long when they stood near him. And sure enough Jimin gave another sigh after less than half a minute and sat up, taking the banana from Seokjin’s grip but not making a move to eat it.By now Jin had finished his own banana. He threw the peel away in the kitchen bin and came back to sit on the sofa beside Jimin who seemed to be looking at the banana as if it were a foreign object.Gently Seokjin took the banana out of Jimin’s grasp and began to peel it. He held it up to Jimin’s lips silently asking him to eat something but Jimin just shook his head “I already told you Hyung, I’m on a diet”.“Listen Jimin," Seokjin said. "I’ve been on a diet myself, and I know why you want to be on one. But you can’t starve yourself. There’s a difference between dieting and starving”.“And I’ve already told you that I’m not starving I’m trying a different sort of a diet”“Jimin-ah”, Jin said still keeping his tone soft despite hearing the irritation in Jimin’s. “You know what effect that diet of two chicken breasts a day had on me. I can’t look at a chicken breast without remembering that diet anymore”Jimin grumbled in annoyance “Hyung, you’ve been trying to argue with me with the same story for the past two weeks. Why?”“Because none of us can stand you doing this to yourself. Stop thinking that you need to loose weight and accept that you’re a healthy boy. And also I can’t make up a new story when I have none.” He added. “Just be reasonable and at least eat a proper breakfast for the day, this type of a diet is going to wreak havoc on your body and you’re smart enough to know it”At that moment Taehyung also joined Jimin’s other side “He’s right Jiminie, please listen to Hyung. I can’t stand my best friend doing this to himself. You’re already perfect why would you go to such extreme lengths?”For some reason that seemed to snap Jimin’s thin patience and he just stood up in exasperation. “Why is it always easy for the good-looking guys to say others are perfect? Oh wait! Because they don’t have to deal with being imperfect THEMSELVES!”, he yells and storms out of the living room and out the door down to their manager’s car that’s waiting outside.The remaining six members heave a collective sigh of defeat and get ready to leave as well. They had been worried sick about this new idea of Jimin’s. During the first week their efforts weren’t as severe since they believed that Jimin will probably see how unreasonable the diet was and be more moderate. But much to their horror Jimin kept to his strict regimen for the first week so adamantly, they were left shocked. Since then, they all kept bringing snacks to him at the most unexpected of times to catch him off guard and get something in his system. Or would try to present him with the most enticing food to weaken his resolve or in Jin’s case present Jimin with food at every meal and beg him to please eat because he can’t bear what he’s doing to his body.Neither Taehyung, nor Seokjin were hurt by Jimin’s comment. They knew that this was Jimin’s frustration and perhaps self-criticism talking. Eventually the baby fat Jimin is so worried about is going to go away as he grows, moreover with their schedule and dance practices they burn enough calories to keep skinny. But Jimin wouldn’t or wasn’t willing to listen.--The ride to the Bighit building was kept as normal as possible, with the attempt to not hurt Jimin’s feelings any further in any way. The company was already aware of Jimin’s decision to diet with such extreme measures. In fact, they all had a meeting with Bang pd just two days ago where it was made clear by the management and Bang pd that they don’t support this diet one bit and would prefer their artists to be healthy and only try a more reasonable diet if needed. They were even willing to provide him with a Nutritionist who can recommend a diet more suitable to Jimin’s needs but Jimin straight up refused despite the protests of his members. “I’ve already tried those diets, why do you think I’m trying something so extreme?” he asked. “Those don’t work.”The management had continued to try convincing Jimin throughout the meeting but he was set. They couldn’t make their artists do anything, the most they could do was try to make them see reason and if they refused than they were all grown adults capable of making their own decisions and facing due consequences. The offer to provide a Nutritionist, if needed, was still kept in place as the meeting was dismissed. Since that day the members had taken it upon themselves to slowly change Jimin’s mind. But it wasn’t working too well.--The choreography for Blood Sweat and tears, their title, was intense. Of course it wouldn’t be a Bangtan choreography unless it was intense, right? They already had most of the choreography down now it was about making it perfect. They had been practicing since lunch and the practice room was hot and sweaty in the late August heat. It was nearly 7 pm when the choreographer called it a day and the members were allowed to continue with the rest of their hours as they had planned. With schedules packed to the brim they usually had very little in between time to relax. But making haste while the sun shines was their motto in life.All the members began to file out of the room one by one to hit the showers because frankly, they reeked.“Hobi-ah, I have a melody ready for you at my studio, come have a listen to it after this”, Yoongi said to Hoseok on his way to the shower.“Will do Yoongi-Hyung.” He replied as he picked up the bag containing clothes and a towel. “Jimin-ah, you coming?” Hoseok asked Jimin who was sitting on the floor rummaging through his bag for something no one knew.“I’ll be there in a bit Hobi-hyung” Jimin replied as he continued to search.“Sounds good” Hoseok replied and left the room.--Jimin finally let out a labored breath as the door to the practice room closed and he felt that he was alone. He was beginning to see black spots in front of his eyes and he couldn’t find the snack he had packed for himself to eat as his “dinner”. He was sure he packed it.His hands were now shaking violently, he felt so weak. Unable to sit up anymore, Jimin began to fall forward. Just before he could hit the wooden floor someone caught him. He had no energy to even open his eyes to see who it was.Whoever it was, gently picked him up from his spot and laid him down. He could vaguely hear them moving around. Finally he heard them come sit where he was lying “Jimin-ah” he heard a soft voice and he was sure it was Jin but in his befuddled state he couldn’t be sure.Gently the person lifted Jimin’s head and brought a water bottle to his lips which he gulped down gratefully. Then he felt something soft touch his lips and without even opening his eyes he let the person feed him whatever it was.The process was painfully slow since Jimin didn’t even have the energy to bite properly but whoever it was remained patient and continued to stroke his hair and feed him the food.The food, he now realized was a banana. And the soothing voice that he wasn’t able to hear before was definitely Jin’s as he told Jimin that he’s okay and to keep eating to regain his strength.After about five minutes he finally had enough energy to open his eyes. That’s when he saw his and his Hyung’s reflection in the mirror. He looked like a doll with it’s strings cut, while his Hyung sat there supporting his entire weight and gently stroking his hair.Suddenly it all just seemed to hit Jimin and he suddenly let out a loud sob. “Why couldn’t he just have been born perfect? Why couldn’t he admit that his looks were fine? Why was it so hard to accept who he was and to let go of his idealistic diet that must be causing him harm?"
He thought as he became overwhelmed.Seokjin looked down in surprise to see Jimin beginning to shake as he cried, which combined with the shaking from his weak state just looked alarming because it almost made him look like he was having a seizure.“Shhh Jimin-ah, it’s okay. You’re okay don’t cry. Please eat some more.”But Jimin’s throat was beginning to close up and despite having no energy, his body still somehow had the energy to cry and he felt so weak and so pathetic because he couldn’t stop crying or stop shaking from the weakness and it was painful.Jin knew that very soon Jimin would probably not be able to swallow down anything so he tried to feed him some more bites, but Jimin was already done. He pushed Jin’s hand away weakly and curled up with his head on Jin’s lap.Seokjin felt his heart break seeing Jimin in so much pain. Jimin barely ate anything and he had no set schedule for the small eating session he had. He usually just ate something when he felt really hungry or if he was beginning to feel weak and this was the third time Jin had caught Jimin collapsing like this after practice.Today he had quickly gone to wash himself knowing that Jimin looked unusually exhausted and came back just in time to catch Jimin before he hit his head on the floor. The whole situation was getting painful for not only Jimin but for all of the members as they saw him struggling but wouldn’t listen. They tried to respect his boundaries but it was getting hard given what he was doing to himself. Jin hadn’t told the others about Jimin nearly fainting since he had requested him not to but he didn’t know how much longer he was willing to do this.He kept on soothing Jimin as he sobbed and telling him encouraging words or sometimes staying silent. He was supposed to have a vocal lesson in about 15 minutes but he had texted his vocal trainer about half an hour ago, when he had seen Jimin’s condition, to push the lesson about 30 minutes ahead and she had kind-heartedly agreed.After nearly ten minutes of crying Jimin finally began to gain some strength back and to reign in his emotions. He took the handkerchief Seokjin offered and blew his nose. Somehow his weak state made him even more vulnerable to his emotions and he hated it.“I’m sorry, Hyung” he finally said.He had said the same thing the previous two times when he had collapsed as well. And just like those times Jin replied “Don’t be sorry towards me Jimin-ah be kind to yourself and eat properly.”And Jimin again couldn’t stand the look of hurt and concern in Jin’s face. He just couldn’t stop, he had seen so much improvement. He was finally loosing all of that unnecessary weight, his jawline was already more defined, he knew ARMY would love how he looked now. So much more manlier and sexier. He felt like he had more confidence in his looks now too. He felt like he was seeing so many results he wanted but yet, at what cost.Jimin refused to look at Jin as he began gathering up his things to go to the shower as well. But Jin stopped him and gathered Jimin’s stuff up himself and then held his hand and took him to the showers.Jin probably could have forced Jimin to look at himself in the mirror and finally see what he was doing to himself when he took him to the showers, but he didn’t. Instead he stood outside the entire time to make sure nothing happened to Jimin and only once he was done did he give Jimin a silent but long hug.Jimin was grateful for the comfort. He didn’t feel any judgement or pity from his Hyung, just concern and that was okay with him because he didn’t know how he would have coped if his hyung acted otherwise.“Jimin”
he heard Jin’s muffled sound.“Yes Hyung?”“Please take care of yourself before something bad happens” He said. And finally he let go, handing Jimin a snack and giving him a light squeeze and a smile before he left.
Maybe it was guilt for how he made Jin feel, but Jimin didn’t throw away the snack. Instead he ate it. He was adamant not to let this get worse. He just wanted to achieve his goal, he was sure of it.--Perhaps Jimin should have heeded Jin’s words. Even during the BST music shoot Jin was constantly telling him to come eat, to take care of his body but he continued to push. But it seemed like his body had finally reached it’s limit, when on their way to a photoshoot, Jimin who had been completely fine a few minutes ago, suddenly just collapsed.It happened so suddenly that no one had the time to react. Everyone called his name at once as they saw the manager and Jin who was closest to him quickly pick him up and lay him down on a sofa in the dressing room. They hoped Jimin would wake up soon, perhaps it was just temporary dizziness that had caused him to collapse. The other’s, who hadn’t really ever seen Jimin ACTUALLY collapse, were anxiously talking to each other and the staff.When Jimin still hadn’t woken up after five minutes of giving him water or even trying to call his name, it was collectively decided by everyone that it was best to reschedule their photoshoot even if it would cause a set back to their new album’s release date. Health comes first. And so Jimin was taken to the dorm where they called in a medic to come look at him.--Jimin woke up to find himself in his room. His head felt fuzzy and he was unsure how he got there. He was disoriented for a good five minutes before he heard someone shuffle close to him and he saw Jungkook’s head pop out of nowhere.“You’re awake” he said, giving a sigh of relief. “You scared us Hyung”.Jimin was still unsure what had happened so he just looked at Jungkook confused.Jungkook seemed to catch on to Jimin’s confusion however and said “Don’t worry, you’re okay now. Let me go call Jin Hyung. He refused to leave for his schedule and made everyone else go instead. I was the only one he couldn’t kick out.” He smiled cheekily but Jimin could see the faint lines of worry on his forehead.Jungkook left to get Jin who came into the room a few minutes later followed by Jungkook.“How are you feeling, Jimin?” he asked, smoothing his hair. And Jimin felt so at ease but so tired as Jin did that.Jimin opened his mouth to reply but no sound came out since his throat was dry. Immediately, a water bottle was pressed to his lips and he felt some of his energy returning to him.“Fine” he answered once he had drank.Jin just hummed at Jimin’s reply and said nothing, continuing to stroke his hair. Jungkook made his way around the bed and was about the curl up next to Jimin when Jin stopped him “Hey brat, forgotten what you promised already?”And Jungkook, despite being caught, gave a sly smile and curled up next to Jimin “Just a few more minutes Hyung” he said.He had promised Jin he would go for his other schedules once Jimin woke up but now he just didn’t want to leave. But alas, he couldn’t delay more than necessary and after a few minutes had to bid Jimin a sad farewell promising to video call him when he got the chance.“I expect to see you in a bit too Hyung”, Jungkook said as he exited.“Yes, I will see you Jungkook,” Jin replied back as he absently continued to stroke Jimin’s hair.They heard Jungkook leave.It was silent between them for a long time before Jimin spoke “Hyung what happened?”Jin gave an unhappy look.“You collapsed Jimin”, he said.“Come again?” Jimin said in disbelief.“You collapsed at the photoshoot location so we cancelled and called you a medic. Good job dropping your blood sugar level and blood pressure so low” he said, there was no bite to his statement but Jimin could hear the disappointment.“I’m sorry” he said almost automatically and Jin held up his hand to stop him.“No Jimin, I don’t want your apology. You did this to yourself. Yes this was an important shoot and yes much today could have been publicized wrongly if we hadn’t acted quick but that is nothing compared to what we have had to see you go through and frankly it’s enough and we both know that,” Jin said very seriously.Jimin had probably seen Jin this serious only on a handful of occasions and being at the receiving end of it was not pleasant at all.“You are attached to a glucose IV right now because your blood sugar was so low. Do you even know what sort of damage you can cause yourself by having it so low?” Jin said in that still even but deadly tone and Jimin swallowed hard. He knew.“I was just – “ he began“Just what Jimin? Denying the truth that this is causing you harm. Convincing yourself that this is what you want?” Jin asked.Jimin didn’t know how to respond. He had been asking himself so many similar questions lately and to have Jin say them out loud suddenly made him question everything for once. What is he thinking? What is he trying to achieve? Is it his satisfaction or someone else’s’? Who is he kidding really?Jimin turned his gaze away, unable to keep looking at Jin who looked disappointed.Jin was right. Jimin was causing himself harm, he could have been in much more trouble right now and caused so much grief to his friends and family.He didn’t hear Jin leave but he did hear him coming back with a tray of food. And despite the fact that he really didn’t “feel” like eating he knew it was high time he accepted the truth and ate some damn food.He had ignored Namjoon when he listed health effects, had ignore Yoongi when he had told him that he loves him very much and that he should be reasonable, had refused to listen to sweet Hobi who looked utterly dejected when he declined his offer to eat several times, yelled and even been rude to Taehyung because of his looks and pained their maknae who was always asking his Hyung’s to be healthy and happy.And Seokjin. He had had to deal with him every day. He just refused to leave him alone. Jin didn’t lecture him or scold him the same way the other’s did. He tried to give him the power to make the decision all along but Jimin was just too caught up in his lies to care.
Hadn’t he just written his own song called Lie? Isn’t he just trying to tell himself exactly what he has been ignoring for these past several weeks.
Jin placed the food on the table. He gave Jimin a soft kiss on the forehead and threatened murder if the food hadn't been eating by the time he returns as he left for his schedules. Leaving Jimin to ponder what he needed to do.--When everyone came back home they found Jimin sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of water in his hands. The IV was still attached to his hand and the stand stood next to him. He still looked pretty weak but there seemed to be a bit more color to his face since he’d collapsed. And they were glad to know it wasn’t just the fluids but also a quarter portion of the meal Jimin had eaten that had done that.As Jimin explained how he was going to stop the diet and try to eat better now they all couldn’t help but be relieved. It had been so stressful lately with everyone constantly worrying about him. It felt good to see him finally agreeing to take care of himself.It felt good to finally be on one platform again when it came to their well-being. And as they all chatted and laughed, Jimin leaned his head on Jin’s shoulder, silently thanking for being a constant support.
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When it comes to mental health struggles, Bangtan has always tried to be open about it. Having dealt with their own battles they believe that their platform provides the perfect opportunity to speak and empower those who are too afraid to talk about it. To give a voice to those who are constantly trying to face their demons everyday yet cannot speak or seek help because it is taboo or dismissed by their close ones.Yes, not all Bangtan members have spoken about their struggles and not everyone experiences issues the same way. Yet, some have come forward to express their stories. Some through lyrics, some through dialogue and interviews and some through conversations with their fans.One of the few members of Bangtan who has spoken openly about their mental health struggles is Min Yoongi.For Yoongi, It wasn’t easy coming forth with his story. Yes, he wanted to talk about his struggles and make the talk about mental health more normal but as anyone struggling with anxiety and depression can tell you, one’s demons are often hard to expose. It’s laying yourself bare and it’s also coming to terms with your own self.--The year of 2015 brought many ups and downs for Bangtan. It was a year where they were struggling mentally a lot. They had come to the brutal realization that perhaps passion, sincerity and dedication alone weren’t going to give them success. They needed luck on their side as well. There was constant stress and collectively they all made an effort to stay positive amidst their current situation.Now Bangtan wasn’t ungrateful for what they had. They’re weren’t in as horrible a situation as when they debuted. They were perhaps doing better in several ways. But like any other passionate artist who pours their heart and soul into their work, perhaps they were expecting a bit too much from people. Each release they tried not to be too hopeful about the success of their album but as is human nature, how could they not be hopeful. It was dilemma in itself.
However, luck shined on them in 2015. After the first half of 2015 spent in trial, tribulation and constant worry the feeling of ecstasy that they felt in the moment when they won their first music show award will forever be unforgettable. It was a moment when their hope was realized, when a prayer was heard, when lady luck actually had smiled down on them. It brought happiness, joy and comfort but it also brought a responsibility much bigger on them to never let down their audience.--For Yoongi 2015 had especially been a huge struggle. He had worked on songs for their HYYH album throughout the first months of 2015 and to have his efforts suddenly bear fruit brought much joy. He had struggled mentally a lot during his previous years and throughout the album production process a part of him hoped to “feel better” after achieving some success with their HYYH album. Perhaps it’ll help him overcome all his turmoil and worries. Maybe it’ll soothe a bit of his anxiousness and give him comfort.But anxiety and depression don’t work that way unfortunately. With every happy thing that calms you down for a while the brain finds something else to latch on to and worry. And it’s so obvious yet so painful as you realize what your brain is doing yet you can’t help but be swept along with it’s ideas. Your brain overloads you with so much information that you can’t help but just accept it all as reality. That’s when things hit you hardest, as you realize that just happy occurrences alone don’t end all the suffering of mental health.--Yoongi was much motivated and impressed by Namjoon who had released him mixtape in early 2015. It gave him courage to start working on his own mixtape. He was not only proud of Namjoon’s writing and composing skills but was also impressed by how Namjoon had come forth and opened up about his own struggles. It was a rare sight to see in the Korean music industry and it made Yoongi admire his fellow rapper more.Ever since Yoongi had started thinking about releasing a mixtape, he decided he wanted to show his other side in it. He wanted to show the person called Min Yoongi who had taken on a cloak (which he later dubbed AgustD). He wanted to express his feelings and thoughts but it was difficult. Way more difficult than just writing songs for a Bangtan album.Throughout the last half of 2015, Bangtan were kept very busy with their schedules. With more success came more responsibility. More often than not, he would find himself sitting down and writing lyrics for his mixtape while he waited for a schedule, but even more often would he find himself staring off into space with a blank look which on more than one occasion had prompted his members to inquire about him.His anxiety and depression were no secret to his members. They had been there for him when he needed them. They became closer everyday and it would have been hard to keep something like that from his fellow members as they lived and worked together.But perhaps the member who understood his struggle the most was his own roommate – Seokjin.--On more than one occasion Yoongi has introduced Seokjin as his favorite roommate. Most fans enjoyed hearing about them being “eternal roommates”. Finding it endearing howconsiderate they were towards each other.Yes Seokjin had quiet habits just like Yoongi, yes he always turned off his laptop when Yoongi came to sleep to not disturb him, yes Seokjin was neat and tidy just like Yoongi, but that’s not what made Seokjin the best roommate. What made him the best was how Yoongi could always rely on his support when he was going through a tough situation.He would listen to his worries when he felt no one would want to listen to him. Even on his most lethargic days when his body refused to move because of the weight of his mind Seokjin was always there for him. Never judging, never tiring, always there to comfort him and even hug him when he was at his lowest. Perhaps not even his parents had seen Yoongi as low as Seokjin had and in Yoongi’s mind he was surprised. Why Seokjin would still put up with him? He was nothing but a constant burden but Seokjin was always quick to reassure him otherwise or distract him from his worries according to the situation.Most of all they had an unspoken rule of “what happens in the SIN room, stays in the SIN room.” And one cannot ask for a better roommate than one who respects your privacy while sharing the same space. Yoongi was forever grateful to Seokjin for everything he did. For his existence and for his support.But perhaps Yoongi was wrong in thinking Seokjin had seen his worst. He had to go through much worse after the fateful day of December 27, 2015.--
Kobe. The word appeared in front of Yoongi. The word itself was enough to quicken his breathing. Suddenly he was standing on stage, lights shining in his face while thousands of faceless audience yelled abuse at him. They demanded answers, they demanded he leave, they demanded he be ashamed of what he had done and most of all they called him a coward. He couldn’t move as the audience continued to hurl abuse, the lights too bright and audience only grew louder the longer he stood there. He tried to control his breathing but to no avail. His whole body shook no longer in control of himself. He felt like someone was constricting his throat, his chest was tight and it hurt right where his heart was. He could feel the panic rising reaching it’s peak he was going to die of suffocation he was sure. This is how his life was going to end. Alone on stage, surrounded by angry fans and no member by his side. His vision began to blur, he could no longer hear the audience because of the pounding of blood in his own ears. He wanted to yell and scream but nothing would come out, just painful whimpers. Suddenly he felt the stage beneath shake violently and to his horror he saw the mass of faceless audience running towards him after they had climbed onto the stage. He felt himself curl into a fetal position preparing himself to be trampled to death by an angry mob. The crowd was growing closer ‑
Yoongi! He woke up with a violent start, all sweaty and breathing like he had just run a marathon. It didn’t take long for his senses to catch up and he violently threw up into the bin that was next to his bed. It didn’t help that he still couldn’t breathe. He was afraid of choking on his own vomit while he tried to get his panic under control.Just like the previous two days he could already feel somebody stroking his back and moving his hair away from his forehead. “It’s okay Yoongichi, it’s okay,” the person said.As Yoongi finished retching his breathing only seemed to become worse, his heart was surely going to burst out of his ribcage and he was going to explode in a mass of blood, he was certain about it. He knew in a corner of his head how he was supposed to calm down but somehow that information wasn’t accessible at the moment. It seemed like a long time before Yoongi finally began to hear Seokjin’s distant voice telling him to breathe in and breathe out at intervals.“Yes, you’re doing good Yoongichi. Now breathe in” he said holding Yoongi’s hand to his own chest so that some part of Yoongi’s brain would register it and ground itself. ‘1 2 3 4 and breathe out” he said completing the action.It probably took a whole ten minutes for Yoongi’s breath to even out enough and stop feeling like he was going to explode like a gas tank. But then came the waterworks and oh he felt so pathetic. He tried, he honest to God tried to hold it in, but he felt so exhausted and so so tired and so done with everything. Nothing was in his control, not even his mind, not his body as he violently sobbed curling up into Seokjin’s embrace who continued to stroke his hair but kept still kept Yoongi’s hand on his chest to remind him to breathe normally. Because sending Yoongi into another panic attack right after recovering from one was not a good idea, he’ll likely end up passed out. And Seokjin knew because he had already experienced that once.Yoongi didn’t even bother apologizing this time. It was way past apologies. At this point it was just meaningless words because he was hundred percent sure this will happen again and he was hundred percent sure Seokjin will help him again and most of all he was hundred percent sure Seokjin will tell him to shut up and just relax.Seokjin kept a firm hold on Yoongi for nearly an hour as he boy continued to sob on and off, unable to sleep despite his entire being feeling exhausted. ‘What a burden he was. Why couldn’t he just take care of himself? Why was he dragging Seokjin into this? He doesn’t even deserve his affection and help at this point. He’s pretty sure he’s broken already what could possibly be done. Seokjin should have just let him choke on his own- ‘“Stop Yoongi, just stop”Yoongi paused his wild thoughts for a second as he heard his Hyung speak.“I can already hear your thoughts. Just please stop thinking. There’s not a single truth to your thoughts and you aren’t weak. And as your Hyung I’m always right. So shut up and sleep” he said, no malice in his voice, just softness.Yoongi felt like crying harder. He had always been stopped from his destructive thoughts over and over by Seokjin. Every single time he began to go into a spiral his Hyung would hold up the red “STOP” sign and he didn’t know how he could ever repay Seokjin for his immense kindness.Yoongi finally did manage to fall into a restless sleep. An hour later when he woke up with a jolt he found himself lying much straighter and his Hyung embracing him in a loose hug, enough to make him feel secured but not trapped. His Hyung had a peaceful look on his face as he slept mere inches away from him. Content and grateful he went back to sleep.--The week following Kobe was mentally taxing on Yoongi. Seokjin had seen him at his lowest once again yet had stuck by his side like always.It was about 5 days since the concert when Yoongi tried to be productive in his studio. That’s when he heard a knock on his door. To be honest, he really hadn’t been productive since this morning. He constantly kept switching between distracting himself with the most random things and then sighing at the work that he could be doing. Every time his fingers touch the keyboard he felt his whole body become heavy and he couldn’t write anything. It was pathetic. He thought coming back to the studio will help distract him but there was no improvement whatsoever.“Come in, it’s open” Yoongi replied to the knock.The door opened to reveal none other than his Hyung standing in the doorway, smiling warmly as he greeted him.What Yoongi especially admired about Seokjin was his ability to act normal despite his breakdowns. He didn’t treat them like a foreign object, or completely forget what happened. All their interaction were always normal but Seokjin will always inquire when he would seem down just like one asks someone when their coughing if they’re okay but don’t make a fuss about it.Yoongi nodded his head back in greeting at Seokjin, unable to do anything more than that. His whole body was just unable to move more than necessary.Seokjin pulled up a chair near Yoongi’s desk. “How are you feeling?” he asked fixing Yoongi’s hat on his head while sitting down.He gave a shrug. He really didn’t know. He had been thinking a lot about Kobe and his condition in his waking hours. It wasn’t healthy. It was constantly eating away at him and giving him nightmares.“Yoongi?” Seokjin spoke.“Hmm?”“Yoongi, I know I don’t have a right to say a lot of things to you but as your Hyung I’m worried and while I want to leave the decision completely up to you I want to say something”“Okay?” Yoongi said, turning his chair around. He tried to show interest more actively but his mind was just too tired. However, his mind wasn’t tired enough to stop from jumping to the conclusion of ‘what if he wants to move out of the room and thinks I should get my shit together already?!’He mentally tried to put up “STOP” signs in his head from letting that thought go further.“I know it is taboo in this country to seek help about mental health, Yoongi. I really do. But I think you should at least look at the option.” Seokjin said.Yoongi blinked, ‘Oh’“What I mean is, Yoongi, I would stay next to you as long as I can and as long as you will allow me to provide you support but just like we go to get medicine for a flu you should be getting the right medicine for what you are going through. I know how much the Kobe situation affected you. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t help you at all. We all felt hurt but most of all you were hurt. And you know that none of us can stand it when another is hurting. We want to help but there is only so much we can do because we aren’t professionals.” Seokjin said gently but firmly.Yoongi stared down at his hands. What Seokjin was saying was absolutely true. The thought about seeking help had crossed his mind several times.Seokjin took a hold of Yoongi’s hands and caressed them with his thumbs. Letting Yoongi process, waiting for him to speak.“It’s not that I’m afraid of what people would say or what my parents would say.” He finally said. “I’ve often thought of finally getting the right help….. But Hyung-“Seokjin waited patiently as Yoongi gathered himself “- I’m just afraid of facing who I am. What I’ve become. Where I really stand. I don’t want to know how broken I’ve become or how much of myself I’ve lost.”He felt his hands starting to sweat just thinking about the possibility and tried to draw his hands away but Seokjin held onto them firmly still stroking gently.“You’re still Min Yoongi to us Yoongichi.” Seokjin said. “Maybe the version you are afraid of isn’t so bad and once you have faced it you will find yourself so much stronger. Is it really worth the pain letting that other self, ruin your day and night everyday instead of just facing it once and for all and making a conscious and controlled decision?” Seokjin asked.Yoongi pondered on what Seokjin had said. He could understand where Seokjin was coming from. He kept staring at his hands. Maybe it was time he faced himself. BUT, he needed to do something first.“I understand what you’re saying Hyung. But I need to do something first” he said.Seokjin looked confused but waited for him“First I need to go back to where it happened.” He said and immediately Seokjin’s grip became a bit tighter on his hands.“You don’t have to” Seokjin whispered.“I don’t probably from a subjective point of view but I know need to for my own mental health. I need to face the place that is giving me nightmares. I need to come to terms with what happened and accept the reality and then most importantly apologize to ARMY” he stated.Perhaps Yoongi hadn’t been sure of anything since the Kobe fiasco but right now, he was sure this was he wanted this. He was absolutely sure of it.And so despite the protests of the rest of the members and even the company’s advice to not go back Yoongi went and stood on the Kobe stage once again, letting himself accept what he had done and resolving to do better by taking care of himself.His statement to ARMY perhaps didn’t convey what he wanted to say as much as he wanted, but he had always thought himself poor when it came to expressing himself. It was okay though, what mattered was never letting it happen again.--As per Seokjin’s advice, Yoongi did finally seek out psychiatric help. He met up with his family and explained everything to them. Even had a joint counselling session with them. It was difficult. Perhaps as difficult as his struggle to debut. Coming to terms with what he had done or what had happened was no small feat and he could see his family feeling lost and devastated when he told them but slowly and surely he knew that this road would help him now. He had set foot on it to get better and he wasn’t about to turn around without results.And perhaps it did help, because as he got help it slowly began to become easier to write the lyrics that were hard to write before. Especially since he was no longer afraid of facing who he was, he was no longer trying to hide his true intentions behind vague words. He was saying what he wanted to say, how he wanted to say it.--AgustD. The mixtape has his heart and soul laid bare before the audience in perhaps ways that many artists would never dare. But it felt strangely good to finally release his story and also hear from thousands of other people how his words had brought comfort to them and how they had finally made the decision to take care of themselves after his story.It was a small effect but an effect nevertheless. He was glad people were finding people to lean on and to talk to. People like his members and especially Seokjin who are there to support you through thick and thin
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When it comes to being called the ‘mood-lifter’ in Bangtan the burden is quite heavily placed on Hoseok, also known as J-hope. Initially when he had been given the stage name, it had felt like a burden since he felt himself to be the complete opposite of what the name implied. However, his determination to debut and his resolve to turn every negative thing into to positive is what allowed him to finally accept the name ‘J-hope’ and then constantly strive to become the embodiment of it.The persona was further helped by his wide smile and energetic dance and with much less effort than Hoseok anticipated people pretty quickly accepted him as the ‘sunshine’ of the group. To further solidify his role to others (but more so for himself) he came up with the phrase “I’m your hope, you’re my hope, I’m J-Hope”. A line so ingrained in his brain that he can probably recite it in his sleep.However, contrary to popular belief, Hoseok was not always a sunshine. His real personality although not as subdued as it used to be, is positive but still more serious. Perhaps when it comes to hurt and criticism Hoseok always tried putting a positive spin on it but he was always affected by it. He’s a perfectionist who takes his role seriously and likes to feel in control. He isn’t as flippant and as energetic as he is deemed to be yet the role had been played so well that it became a burden to keep playing it. Even people close to him could no longer remember a serious Hoseok because of how often he was in front of the cameras with that attitude.--Bangtan’s Wings album is considered by many to be ahead of its time. And perhaps for a good reason. It has their blood, sweat and tears poured into it, quite literally. It was produced during a time when all of Bangtan was finally being accepted and they felt the pressure of performing and releasing content better than ever. Everyone had their own battles to face with the album. For Jimin it was his appearance and weight, for Taehyung it was his stress related to his family matters, for Namjoon it was everything as a leader while still recovering from the accusations laid on them, for Yoongi it was a time of mental strife, for Seokjin the struggle of rejection against his lyrical efforts and for Hoseok it was carrying the album on his back with the intro, and producing a good result.--“5, 6, 7 ,8” Hoseok chanted as the music started and they all began practicing for the BST choreography. It was hot and stuffy in the practice room. And for some reason, that no one could exactly pinpoint, tensions were running high.Usually when Bangtan practiced they didn’t stop when someone made a mistake. It was counter productive and it ended up creating chaos and anger. They all were usually expected to go through the whole choreography and monitor themselves and correct their mistakes at the end. All criticism was usually kept until the end as well, unless it was minor changes that one member will yell out to another so that they remember.Today however, Hoseok was being extra critical during practice “Yoongi-hyung watch how you’re doing that”, “Jimin-ah you’re being too slow” or “Namjoon you need to that on the beat”It was a constant barrage of criticism while practicing, and it wasn’t like the other members didn’t know they were doing the mistake, they knew when they did it, yet Hoseok seemed adamant on still pointing it out.So far none of them had said anything. They convinced themselves that probably the choreographer had shared something with Hoseok that had him on edge. They can deal with it for a while.Practice ended in lower spirits than usual. Everyone was exhausted and since it was the last activity of the day they were all prepared to go home and rest.They hoped, Hoseok wouldn’t be so uptight about the choreography tomorrow.
--They were mistaken though.Not only did Hoseok’s attitude remain constantly sour during practice, he was often clipped and sharp at the dorm too.He had snapped at Jungkook for drinking his coke more viciously than he ever would. Had flat out mocked and insulted Seokjin when he had inquired about his preparation for the album and had even gotten into a fight with Namjoon.They were all much confused, but also concerned. They all wanted to help but were unsure how to approach. Every time one of them tried to be even remotely approach him, Hoseok seemed to become cold and would avoid them instead of talking openly to them.--“I didn’t ask for your help, just leave me alone!”The yell was heard in the living room of the Bangtan dorm at around 10 in the morning and all the members poked out their head from their bedrooms to see what the commotion was.But before they could make it there they saw Hoseok walking down the hallway on his way to the door, looking extremely angry. Taehyung ran after him to stop him but Hoseok only held up his hand, stopping him in his tracks, as he put on his jacket and left the dorm.The dorm was left in silence as they all turned their heads away from the door towards the living room, finding a solemn Yoongi standing there.“What happened?” Jungkook finally asked.“I was trying to talk to him” Yoongi replied, still solemn. He began walking towards the kitchen holding his cup of coffee.They all followed him to the kitchen.“You mean you were trying to get him to talk about why he’s so anxious?”, Namjoon asked.Yoongi only nodded his head.It wasn’t exactly a secret. Initially Hoseok’s attitude seemed off, but they soon realized what was causing it.His intro.They had tried being encouraging from the sidelines since Hoseok wouldn’t let them talk about it. Had been trying to be nicer to him despite his rather rude attitude. But the more they seemed to help, the more reserved Hoseok seemed to become. Waking up early and leaving before everyone else had almost become a norm for him. Today was an exception. Yoongi had finally thought it was enough and since Hoseok was the least likely to fight with him, he had tried broaching the subject.No one knew what to do anymore. If Hoseok didn’t want comfort they could only force it upon him so much before it would cause them all to feel pain.That day found Hoseok staying at the practice room all day and only returning around 11 at night, rather later than their usual practice time. How had he managed to convince the staff there to stay that late, they didn’t know.--It was perhaps the 20th time since that morning that Hoseok had been practicing the choreography. It had been a while since he had learned it all, but to say he was satisfied with it is an overstatement. ‘So much to fix.’ He thought to himself.That’s when the door to the practice room opened, but he was too focused on his dancing to notice.He only noticed when he felt a presence standing a few feet away from him. He turned to find none other than the oldest members of Bangtan standing their observing his dance.None of them said a word as Hoseok tried to catch his breath, still looking at Jin, waiting for him to do or say something, but instead of saying anything Seokjin instead gave a sad pout and walked away. Almost looking as if something had hurt him.Hoseok was surprised. Sure he had been rude to the members in the past week or so but he was unsure what exactly had caused that reaction from the elder. ‘Maybe he’s hinting that my dance needs more work’ His mind supplied. ‘Yeah, that’s probably it.’ He sat down, his lean body exhausted from the constant practice, lack of sleep and the dull anxiety that had become a steady thrum through his body.He saw the eldest place his things in a corner and then stand in front of the mirror to begin practicing. Wireless earbuds were plugged into his ears to play their new songs which had choreographies.Hoseok watched as Seokjin did and redid every step he thought he was doing wrong. Some he didn’t really see a problem with, but some did need a bit of perfecting. Either way, Seokjin kept practicing each move despite it’s degree of perfection.Hoseok hadn’t rested much since this morning so he took out a snack and munched on it as he observed Seokjin, completely engrossed in his practice, going over everything again and again.He tried getting up to practice again after his snack but his body refused to listen, too spent to move more than an inch. His brain was tired too, so instead he opted to just sit there, blankly staring at Seokjin practicing, not stopping to rest and only taking a water break every half an hour.Hoseok did not remember how long he stayed there watching Seokjin or when he actually fell asleep. Only that he opened his eyes to someone shaking him awake. The person being none other than Seokjin.He rubbed his eyes to see Seokjin sweaty and tired sitting next to him.“Time to go home Seok-ah” he said, gently brushing his hair out of his eyes.Hoseok closed his eyes at the touch, not wanting it to end but Seokjin moved his hand away after a while, telling him to get up and take a shower before they went home.Knowing there was no other option, Hoseok finally managed to get up.They both returned home together that night but they didn’t really talk. One exhausted while the other lost in thought.--The next week found Seokjin coming to the practice room around the same time Hoseok was there. As he practiced, Hoseok would sometimes glance at Seokjin practicing hard, constantly perfecting every move and chiding himself for getting something wrong. Sometimes yelling at his own body for not moving the way he wanted.To Hoseok many of the moves looked pretty smooth. He knew Seokjin wasn’t a someone with pre-debut dance experience, so considering that, Seokjin was already excellent. Yet, Seokjin wouldn’t rest until hours later when it was time to go home. Even Hoseok took more breaks than Seokjin. Something about the whole situation irritated Hoseok but he didn’t say anything.--It was about the 5th days practicing with Seokjin on the other side of the practice room when Hoseok heard him cursing himself over a move.He couldn’t help but stop and look at Seokjin, frustratingly try to perfect a move that already seemed…perfect.He walked over to Seokjin’s side, standing pretty much the same way Seokjin had the first day he had come while Hoseok was there. It took a few minutes for Seokjin to realize his presence.“That’s already pretty smooth, Hyung” he finally said. “You’re doing well”.Seokjin’s ears went red at the compliment. “Oh no, it’s not perfect. I still have a bit of-“ he started answering but Hoseok cut him off “No, hyung, I’ve seen you doing it, it’s good.”“But good isn’t excellent Seok-ah” Jin replied chidingly.Hoseok sighed “Hyung it IS excellent, that’s what I just said”“You’re just trying to make me feel better but I know it’s not good” Seokjin replied, making Hoseok irritated for some reason.“Hyung” he said in a serious voice.“Yes” Seokjin says absently as he continues practicing the dance routine.“Hyung” He says again trying to get Seokjin’s attentionStill oblivious to Hoseok’s serious tone Seokjin hums he’s listening.Now irritated more than ever Hoseok grabs Seokjin by the arms and forcefully jerks him towards him all of a sudden.Startled, Seokjin just stares at Hoseok, very confused and a bit concerned. “What’s wrong, what happened?” he asks, almost sounding panicked.“Stop” Hoseok says.“Stop what?” Seokjin asks.“Stop it, stop trying to make me say something” Hoseok says, seeming to have a hard time talking now since his throat felt clogged up.“Hoseok-ah I am not sure-““Stop trying to tell me I’m doing well. I’m not, but you are. Don’t punish yourself over and over with practice just because I am!” Hoseok finally yells. His breathing is labored now and seems to be having a hard time keeping his composure.He doesn’t let go of Seokjin as the pent up emotions of the last two weeks finally catch up to him. So carefully buried and kept at bay. Unable to properly stand anymore, he pulls Seokjin towards him as he slumps down in front of the mirror and lets out a heart-wrenching sob. He doesn’t let go of Seokjin. As if anchoring himself to reality.Seokjin hesitates at first, unsure whether Hoseok would push him away if he tried hugging him but when Hoseok doesn’t show signs of letting go he finally leans his back against the mirror too and brings Hoseok’s hands to wrap around his neck.As if that was what he needed all along, Hoseok immediately wraps his arms around his Hyung and buries his face in his shoulder. Sobbing loudly but not saying a word.Seokjin doesn’t say anything or does anything. He simply sits there, with one hand on Hoseok’s arm and the other on the floor.After several minutes of crying, Hoseok finally unwraps himself from Seokjin, who silently offers Hoseok a handkerchief from his pocket. They remain silent, apart from Hoseok’s occasional sniffles, but he sounds way less stressed as he laughs “I’m such a mess”Hoseok looks up at Seokjin to see him giving him a soft smile. “You all are always a mess,” he teases.Hoseok can’t help but let out a hearty laugh. It feels liberating after the suffocating two weeks.“Well looks like you just cleaned it up for one of us like you usually do,” Hoseok says bitterly.Seokjin gives a non-committal shrug “I wasn’t really trying to but if I did, then I’m happy”“Ha, you don’t fool me. Don’t try to act all modest Hyung, you knew exactly what you were doing”Seokjin lets out a chuckle, moving Hoseok’s bangs out of his eyes. “Maybe. But it wasn’t all just to get you to talk either Hoseok. I practice this much for new choreographies anyway. I just moved my practice time earlier instead of late at night” he says.Hoseok leans his head back, heaving out a sigh and closes his eyes. “How do you do it Hyung?” he asks“Looking handsome you mean? I was born handsome Seok-ah” Seokjin says and Hoseok opens his eyes a bit to see Seokjin smirking but he knows it’s just his Hyung trying to lighten the mood.“How do you manage to practice without feeling tired” He says and the smirk vanishes . “How do you convince yourself it’s good enough?”Seokjin stays silent for a long time and Hoseok open his eyes again, almost sure Seokjin had left.“I do get tired and I’m never convinced I’m good enough.” He finally replies and Hoseok feels his heart dropping.“But I always have you guys around me trying to give me comfort when I’m tired or encouraging me when I do well in dance. And then every year our choreographer encourages me and ARMY encourage me, so I know that I’m doing well if not perfect.” Seokjin says.Hoseok sits there, looking at Seokjin, trying to absorb his words. His Hyung had a point. He could understand what he was saying and perhaps it was true for him too. Their choreographer was already extremely happy with his efforts. The members had constantly been telling him he was so cool. And he was sure, no matter how he performed, a lot of ARMY will appreciate his efforts.He could see how what Seokjin said applied to him too. He will think more about it when he finally lays down to rest. Maybe he will try accepting the limits of his own body.--Hoseok requested multiple recordings for his intro. Yes, it was a bit overkill but at least he wasn’t actually killing himself anymore. He wanted to give his best. He felt sorry for the directors but he felt a bit selfish. He wanted to deliver a good product.And so after a fair few takes BOY MEETS EVIL, their new intro was wrapped up, Hoseok thanking everyone who made time for him.On his way home, he knew he had to thank one person especially. And so he dialed “Seokinnie Hyung” and smiled as he heard the voice at the other end. Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder, and perhaps he should leave it to them to decide instead of beating himself over his insecurities.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
If one were to ask Jungkook about his early dorm life with Bangtan, he would probably recall being painfully shy, being a bit selfish and being extremely sensitive. But he also remembers the nicer memories of the early Bangtan dorm that made his life more bearable in the cruel world he was exposed to at a young age.Jungkook remembers joining Jimin and Taehyung on their after school trips to the ramen shop. Always a favorite activity of his since he felt like a normal teenager in those moments. He remembers Namjoon-hyung letting him sit and hear his guides to songs he worked on. He remembers Yoongi letting showing him the basics of piano whenever he asked for it. But what he most vividly remembers is his Seokjin-hyung’s constant kindness and care. Seokjin hyung would always try to take care of him whether it be with a warm mean, a game or by inviting him to places and even his own house. And perhaps, years down the road, these memories will remain the highlight of his life.--
When Jungkook had travelled all the way from Busan to live in Seoul, he knew he would feel lonely and homesick. He knew it would not be easy living in a dorm and he knew it would not be easy sharing with other people. But he did it for his dreams and he did it well, considering all things. But while he did imagine it being hard to live away, he didn’t expect the loneliness to start affecting his performance this badly.During the early trainee days, before they even got the name bangtan as a potential group, all trainees were constantly working hard to improve themselves. The atmosphere wasn’t cut throat, but it was definitely competitive enough to keep everyone on their toes. It left little time to think and worry about other things.However, now that he felt relatively secure in his position as a trainee who was potentially lined up for debut, he started to finally breathe a bit more easy. The ease however, brought along the sense of crippling loneliness and homesickness that had been held at bay for so long. It had been a while since he had seen his parents. He wanted to go meet them. But life suddenly seemed utterly full of work, with no escape from the constant stress to be prepared for a debut in the possible future.The stress and loneliness was making practice and learning burdensome for Jungkook at this point. He no longer felt like he was performing well. His vocal lessons hadn’t seen any improvement the past few sessions. The tasks they were assigned to complete every week weren’t going smoothly either and his dancing also needed more work. Yet he couldn’t find the energy to do that. Everything seemed like a chore. The constant echo of work, work, work was now tiresome and Jungkook could already feel himself burning out. It was not a good sign. Especially so soon after becoming part of a potential debut lineup.--
*~Jungkook~*
Jungkook wakes up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning. He feels more terrible than he has in forever and he finds his mood plummeting as he gets up to start the insane routine of school and work, like every other day.Jungkook dislikes school. Not only because he does not enjoy many subjects but also because of the insanely early timing. Anyone could testify that Jungkook did not like waking up in the morning.He was silent and moody as Jin drove him to school. But that was pretty much a regular occurrence for him recently, so Jin didn’t question him about the behavior. He walked into school, uninterested and walked out with the same mindset. The day was just one big annoyance for him. He only remembers one thing from the day, and that’s because it had added to his already growing annoyance.Right before he was leaving the class for the dorm, he heard his friends call out to him, asking if he would like to hang out after school. Seeing all of them laughing and excited about hanging out and discussing plans about eating left a sour taste in his mouth as he was reminded once again that his life as a trainee doesn’t allow him enough leisure time to be spending it with his friends. Angry and upset he had mumbled an excuse of being busy and told them to go enjoy themselves. The day was just getting better and better.His ride home was even more sullen (if possible) than in the morning, and he stubbornly kept his earphones in even when Jin called out to him. He was sure he was going to end up arguing with him for no reason.Jungkook was taken straight to the bighit building afterwards. He had vocal lessons followed by dance practice. The dance practice was for one of their weekly assigned tasks and like it or not, he still hadn’t memorized the steps yet. A rather slow progress for him.--
It’s pretty evident throughout the dance practice that Jungkook is not in a good mood. Both Namjoon and Hoseok try approaching him but he stays silent, feeling too in his head to even coherently answer what he’s feeling. This only leads to concerned looks and he can hear each of them asking one another what might be wrong. But every time they approach him, he turns away, unwilling to communicate.By the end of dance practice, they are tired. Progress is painfully slow and they are a bit behind schedule. It only leads to more stress for Jungkook. The trip back to the dorm afterwards is spent in silence. They all are too exhausted to even be talking and everyone collapses as soon as they finish eating the food that was brought in by their manager.Jungkook lays awake once everyone is asleep. Thinking about everything that’s been going on and trying to make himself understand that he can’t keep thinking of a carefree life if he wants to be an idol. But it’s hard.Tired and exhausted, he finally drifts off into a dreamless sleep.--
Next morning
Jungkook wakes up next morning grateful for the fact that it was a Saturday, but still pretty much disgruntled by the fact that trainee life has no “Saturday”. He finds himself mechanically going through the motions as he gets up, has a bit of breakfast and then sets off with the rest of bangtan to their dance practice room.They seem to be making better progress than they did yesterday on their dance routine. It’s relieving because Jungkook isn’t sure how long he can keep up the façade of being engaged.At this point, even a one-day break would be better than nothing.Oh Jungkook, but you know this is just the beginning. You’re already tiring ou?. How are you going to cope with the idol life, huh? He asks himself. His life now comprised of school, dancing, singing, studio work and sleeping, with daily meals sprinkled in the middle. He thought about his friends talking about going out to enjoy, and sighed. Suck it up, Jeon.--
*~Jin~*
Jin had been closely observing Jungkook since yesterday and he wasn’t exactly sure what was bothering the boy but he knew he wanted to help. He had seen Jungkook looking disengaged all day. Perhaps it was time he went up to him and finally said something.Once their schedule is over, Jin strategically corners Jungkook before he can escape.“Hey Jungkook-ah!”, he says.“Hey Jin-Hyung!” Jungkook says, clearly not interested in talking. “I’m in a bit of a hurry, you know?”“Oh really?!” Jin replies, feigning surprise. “Even if I was about to ask if you would like to join me for a game of billiards and some nice food?”Jungkook stops avoiding Jin’s eyes at this point and looks up like a deer caught in headlights. “What?!”, he asks.“You heard me. You want to join for a game of billiards and some food? The other members said they were too tired so I thought I’d ask you. But I guess you’re busy, too.” Jin finishes pouting, knowing he had already successfully baited Jungkook.“N-No. I mean, I can join you if the others are tired. I don’t want Hyung to feel like giving up on his plans just because none of us can spare time.” Jungkook replies earnestly.Jin suppresses a giggle. Jungkook can be adorable sometimes and now definitely counted as one of those times.“Then shall we go down to my car then?” Jin asks.Jungkook only nods and follows Jin.Half an hour later, they are at this nice gaming room that serves food and bear. Jungkook is already famished so despite acting all aloof throughout the ride, he can’t help but turn to Jin looking between him and the food signs.Jin smiles. He’s glad to see Jungkook showing any emotion right now. Even if it is hunger.Jin happily allows Jungkook to order whatever he wants, then orders for himself and pays. They get cozy at one of the tables. Soon their food is being served to them, nice and hot and despite keeping himself composed throughout, Jin can’t help but pounce on the food. The action breaks the awkwardness between the two and they both start laughing and dig in together.--
*~Jungkook~*Jungkook feels happy in the moment. He hasn’t felt this happy in DAYS. He feels himself relax completely and feel content with the food, company and environment. Deliberate or not, Jungkook was happy Jin had brought him along. It had taken his mind off of his constant brooding and had finally given him a bit of breathing space.“So, Jungkook. Do you like this place and the food?” Jin asks, half way through his meal.Jungkook, who still has his mouth stuffed nods enthusiastically, “Yes!”“I’m glad you like it. The owner of this place knows me. I come here sometimes to play billiards and just relax. Trainee life can get really tiring. We are always working.” Jin shares.Jungkook silently eats his food and listens to Jin.“Have you ever played billiards before?” Jin suddenly asks.Now that Jin mentions it, Jungkook realized he had never played the game. “Nope!” he replies.“Don’t worry. Hyung will teach you. We aren’t leaving without teaching you billiards and at least playing one game.” Jin says beaming at Jungkook as if the action will give him the greatest delight.Jungkook nods. He feels so grateful at the moment for his hyung treating him to food like this. He always felt this age gap with Jin, mostly because, well, there WAS an age gap. He knew that Jin tried very hard to make them all feel like friends. But you couldn’t blame the younger ones for feeling awkward about it either. It was going to take time.--
After the food, as promised, Jin introduces Jungkook to the game of billiards, along with some of his friends there as well. His friends immediately take a liking to Jungkook and mutually seem to agree on treating him like a younger brother and enthusiastically explaining to him how the game works.Jungkook finds himself understanding and getting a hang of the game pretty quickly. Both Jin and his friends encourage him and praise him for his skill despite playing for the first time.Jungkook also doesn’t fail to notice how Jin politely turns down a drink with his friends when they ask him to join them. He knows Jin probably did it out of consideration for Jungkook’s feelings even if he wouldn’t have really minded.Jungkook, in short was grateful for tonight. He left the place happy and energized. Ready to tackle the trainee life with renewed vigor. He tells himself that this was probably a one time thing. Jin really couldn’t be baby-sitting him every time he wanted to come and relax with his friends.As they drove back to the dorms Jin turned to Jungkook. “That was really fun right?! We should do it again sometime. Maybe other members can join too if they have time. Oh and before I forget, my parents have been asking me to visit them again, so do you want to join me after our schedule next Saturday?”If you were to ask Jungkook today, what were few of the most touching occasions in his entire life, he would most probably mention that Saturday as one of them. That day, made Jungkook realize that he had friends right here in bangtan who he can have fun with and enjoy some time with whenever he was feeling overwhelmed. Even more importantly, these people considered him family. Jin-hyung considered him family and he felt most grateful to him.