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“Hey, it’s Yuuri,” Victor heard Yuuri’s voice fade as the door to their bedroom shut. He rolled over to face the ceiling. The last few nights had followed this pattern to a “T”. He would wake up, only to feel an empty bed and hear the other leaving the room. The amount of calls before he found out, Victor had no idea, and the mere thought grabbed his stomach and knotted it violently. Yuuri had blessed his life the year he turned twenty-one, and he would be forever grateful. After spending his younger years in Russia and then being shipped off to Detroit for his teen years, Victor was not enthusiastic about befriending most of his American rinkmates. At least not until, the shy boy from Japan joined the Detroit Skating Club, and Victor was smitten. He found himself immediately enamoured with the seventeen year old college freshman. He spent about 3 months trying to get Yuuri to talk to him before they actually had a conversation, and once they started talking, they quickly bonded over their sport, poodles, and culture shock. Although there was a major personality difference, Yuuri being thoughtful, shy, and emotional while Victor was often thoughtless, outgoing, and emotionally reserved. Two months later, they started dating, and after Victor graduated from college, he asked Yuuri to move into his apartment. All of that seemed like a lifetime ago now. The combined stress of their careers, Yuuri’s college, and constant disagreements started breaking down both men. Now, hearing Yuuri’s muffled voice from the other room, Victor was about to break. He pushed this thought to the back of his mind and went back to sleep. A breakdown was a luxury he could not afford. Nothing was made out of the call in the morning, and the pair went on their separate ways. They reunited to eat dinner together on the couch. The last night still weighed heavily on Victor’s mind. The person on the other end of that call was of great interest to him. With all the issues the couple were having, he was genuinely scared Yuuri might walk out on him for someone who could give him everything he wanted. He stared into the television. Yuuri looked over to his boyfriend. He was normally much more talkative and affectionate, but tonight he was stoic as ever. “Vitya, is something wrong?” He placed his plate down on the table and laid his hand on Victor’s shoulder. “Who were you on phone with last night?” Victor asked. Yuuri looked at the food on the table. He was shocked the other had heard his call last night. The could feel the onset of panic. He was never supposed to know about those--no one was. They were his business, and his business, alone. The shame would haunt him for the rest of his life if it ever got out. However, he had to think of a convenient excuse. “Um, I-- It was my coach; he--he wants to see this new routine I’ve been workin’ on.” “Oh, ok, do I get to see this new routine?” He raised his brow. “Y--yea, just let me get it down, and you can come watch me.” Victor smiled and took Yuuri’s hand in his own. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” His shy boyfriend gave him the biggest smile. “Since the season’s finishing up, we should take a trip to see your family. It’s been awhile since we last visited; I’m sure they’d like to see us. Would that be something you’d like?” Yuuri looked into mesmerizing blue eyes, “Yea, I’d like that!” They settled into a comfortable silence. Yuuri snuggled further into Victor while the crappy soap opera on the television played. “I love you, Vitya!” He leaned up and kissed him. “I love you too, Solnyshko.” “Hey, it’s Yuuri,” Once again Victor was pulled out of his dream state by the beginning of yet another phone call. The footsteps again faded along with the voice. There was no way this was his coach, again. There was no way the man could stay up this late to call Yuuri for the fifth day straight. Victor’s stomach twisted once more; if it worsened, he worried his entire body would twist up along with it. The sheet’s warped around him as he tossed and turned recklessly. He could not get back to sleep. How could he sleep? The person he loved more than anything else was in the next room talking to someone else. Someone he did not want Victor to know about, and that pumped him full of adrenaline. The visual imagery dancing through his mind kept him up for hours. The bed was rather cold the next morning. Tired of the chilled, dead silence, Victor made his way into to the kitchen. His dark bags were on full display. No matter how terrible he looked, he put on a good face for Yuuri. And, there Yuuri stood, messy dark hair and ratty blue sweatpants, making breakfast. A soft tune played throughout the living area. Victor could not help but smile. “Good morning, Vitya!” Yuuri’s grin was audible. He nodded at Yuuri and took some of the bacon off a plate near the stove. Yuuri slapped his hand away playfully. “Hey, stop that, I’m not done frying it all! You can wait ‘til I’m done!” “Please, Solnyshko? I’m starving!” He gave a small pout to his boyfriend. Yuuri just let him do what he wanted. He could tell the other had a rough night; he could give him some freshly cooked bacon. He pecked his lips and went back to his baking. He felt Victor wrap his arms around his thin waist. It was perfect, just like when they were both back in college, before they both moved to seniors, before all the troubles that were now shared on their shoulders. He laid his head back on his shoulder while he finished cooking. They stood in silence for a good few minutes. Victor’s fingers slightly dug into his stomach; it was oddly possessive of him. “Vitya, are you feeling ok? You aren’t acting like yourself.” “Solnyshko, can I ask you a question?” “Of course.” “Who were you talking to on the phone last night?” “Don’t worry about that.” “Just tell me and I won’t.” “I’m serious, Victor, it’s fine, just forget about the call, ok?” “Then why can’t you tell me? Solnyshko, we’ve been together for seven years, just tell me, please.” Yuuri shut down; his heart started beating erratically. He could feel his legs become room-temperature jello, making it difficult to stand. His eyes became rivers, the water redirected from his now dry throat and tributing to the stream. “I-I-- it was my coach, he--he needed to ask me a question about-- um-- my pra-practice times,” Yuuri choked his way through. Victor knew it was a lie--his coach never asked about his practice schedule this early in the off-season, but seeing the person he cared so much about in such distress made the truth less important. He pulled Yuuri up and sat him down on the sparkling, polychromatic granite countertops. Tears still streaming down his cheeks, Victor kept wiping the flood away, but more came to replace them. Yuuri felt sick. The acid in his stomach was swirling, and he could not breath. “Are you ok? Do you need to go to the hospital?” He took a deep breath, “No, no, I’m f-fine, Vitya-- I-I just need to make a phone c-- phone call.” He jumped up, pushed Victor’s arms away from him, and ran into the spare bedroom, closing and locking the door behind him, Victor close behind him. “Just tell me who you’re calling, Yuuri!” Yuuri stayed quiet; once he felt like his boyfriend was gone, he called that number that had become all to familiar over the last two months. “Hey, it’s Yuuri again…” was all Victor heard before he stormed off to prepare for his afternoon workout. He waited half an hour for Yuuri outside, assuming he would like a ride to the skating rink as well, but he never came out of the apartment. He started the car and entered the hectic Detroit traffic. His mind blurred into memories of the last month. Had Yuuri even left the house at all in that time? He worked with Victor at the ice-skating rink about a block from their apartment. Well, it was their practice rink; as professional figure skaters, practice was all they really did during the off season. Yet, Victor had not seen him actually leave the house in a week. Maybe he had been timing when he left the house. Victor was unable to sleep. Yuuri had never come to bed; he was still locked in the spare bedroom. He wanted to go check on his lover, but they would just end up arguing, again. So, he decided to keep tossing and turning instead. He finally drifted off after hours of painful consciousness. He woke up again only an hour later. Victor finally gave up and decided to get some water. He stood in the kitchen, looking out one of the windows in the small apartment. “Hello, it’s Yuuri, again… I’m sorry… I just don’t wanna be alone right now… I’m--I’m worried…” Victor’s heart cracked slightly. Yuuri sounded so vulnerable. Of course, he had his new person listening to his every worry, which used to be Victor’s job. He could not listen to the love of his life slip away any longer; he walked back to their bedroom. Exhaustion was his only friend at this point in his life. It was truly all he had; Especially since he would probably be living there on his own soon. The next few nights followed this routine. Victor would come home, eat whatever Yuuri left him in the fridge, and lie in bed for hours on end. He could still hear the first line when Yuuri would make that stupid phone call. He would turn over and ignore it as best he could, yet he found himself drifting off during breaks more and more often. His grip on the situation he was in slipping. The one relationship Victor thought would never break was slowly breaking him in two. His partner was all he could ever ask for and more. He had been with Yuuri through so much. He supposed all good things must end though. He loved him more than anything and wanted their relationship to last, but part of him also wanted all this strife to end, even if it meant Yuuri and he had to go separate ways. Days passed before the couple spoke again. Victor had kept track of how many times Yuuri had left the house. None. He had not stepped foot out of the house once since running into the spare bedroom after his panic attack. He stood, facing the door, ready to knock, but he could not bring himself to knock on the office door. It would only cause another fight. The next morning, he caught Yuuri in the kitchen making breakfast. He was thin--unhealthily thin. Victor could tell he had not eaten in days. He was paler than normal, and his eyes were no longer the mesmerising amber eyes his partner knew so well-- they were uncut gemstones, dull and lifeless. “Oh--hey, Vitya, do you want some br-breakfast?” He forced a bright smile while he pulled a plate from the cupboard. “Uh-- if you don’t mind-- that’d be great…” They found themselves in silence once again. Victor smiled and took the stuffed plate from the blonde. He noticed Yuuri had not made himself a plate. “Are you gonna eat, Solnyshko?” “Nah, I’m not really hungry; I’ll probably just get something on my way to the rink.” “It’s been awhile since you left the house; are you really gonna get out today? Do you want a ride to the rink? I wouldn’t mind.” Yuuri froze. Victor had been watching him like a hawk for days. There was no way out of this one. “I think I’ll go get my stuff and head out right now then.” He snapped and turned towards the bedroom. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry. Please come back; if you’ll wait I’ll give you a ride.” He stopped and turned back to Victor slowly. Yuuri weighed his options. His eyes darted from object to object in the tiny living space; he looked anywhere but his partner’s eyes. “I’ll just walk, don’t worry about me.” “How am I not supposed to be worried about you, Yuuri! You stay at home day after day and you call someone and talk for hours at a time and you won’t even open up to me enough to tell me what I can do to help you! I just wanna know what I did to drive you away. Please, Solnyshko, let me help you!” “Maybe if you’d just take care of yourself and mind your own damn business, we wouldn’t be this way!” “I don’t see why this is such a problem? Just tell me!” Yuuri ran out the door of their apartment in a panic. Victor did not bother following him; he cleaned up the kitchen. He started tossing their dirty dishes into the sink. A plate shattered in the sink from the force behind it. Victor finished angrily cleaning and went to pull on some clothing. He pulled himself together as best he could, and decided to go shopping. He knew Yuuri was probably at the rink. He was not about to have another fight at the rink. By the time Victor got home, there was light coming out from under the bedroom door. He found food for himself in the fridge with a small note saying, “I’m sorry.” He looked at the sticky note, and he felt tears slide down his cheeks. Guilt reared its head. He should never have pushed Yuuri so hard; he knew he could not deal with that much emotional stress. Victor ate his dinner quickly, and put a little note saying thank you on the counter. The bed was frigid without his Yuuri. He tossed and turned for hours, but it did no good. He had realized how painful and difficult it was to fall asleep without his other half cuddled up to him. He would fix this. He had to. He was so alone before Yuuri came into his life; he did not know how he would manage without him. Yuuri was cutting up vegetables for dinner. It had been an entire week since the breakfast incident, and he had been wary of Victor ever since. He would leave his partner’s dinner in the microwave or fridge, depending on what he decided to make. The soft piano music he had playing in the background helped lighten his mood. Suddenly, the door swung open, Victor threw the mail on the counter as he settled in for the evening. It was only when he went to get a snack that he noticed his boyfriend was home. He just stared at him. Yuuri kept cutting up the carrots on the chopping block. “Solnyshko…” “Please don’t call me that.” “I remember you used to love when I called you that…” “And, I remember when you loved me.” Yuuri carefully placed the knife down and faced the man behind him. Victor stood motionless. Guilt rushed through his veins. He had blamed Yuuri for all of the problems plaguing them, only taking blame for small things, but for the first time, he accepted his responsibility. He had avoided Yuuri more often recently after all. “Yuuri, you think I don’t love you anymore?” He stepped towards the smaller. “I don’t know how else I’m supposed to feel; you won’t even look at me anymore.” He gently took Yuuri’s hands in his own. He let out a sigh and rubbed his thumbs over his partner’s knuckles. He could tell that he had started to bite his nails again. A sad smile graced Victor’s face. “Can we talk about this? About us?” Yuuri nodded. “Do you still love me?” Yuuri started. “Of course, I do,” he looked away and paused. “Do you still love me?” He pulled his hands back. “More than anything, you’re my whole world.” “See, we can still fix this, we both care about each other.” Victor changed the question. “Do you trust me?” “Absolutely, why wouldn’t I?” He looked up at the other and smiled briefly; this did mean they were making progress, after all. The taller let out a breathe. “Then why won’t you tell me who you’re calling?” “I’ve told you; it’s just my coach.” His eyes became glued on his shoes. Victor swallowed the frustration and looked at his partner. Something caught his attention, Yuuri’s phone. He grabbed the paw print covered phone case and ran to their bedroom. Yuuri ran after him, but with his height, he was at a major disadvantage. He started begging Victor as he jumped for his phone. “Victor, this isn’t funny, please just give me back my phone, please!” “Just let tell me who you’re calling?” After a few minutes, he gave up and sat down on the bed. Tears started pouring down his cheeks. His hands pulled at his hair, and his breathing began to mimic a hummingbird’s wings. Victor looked away from the devastated skater in front of him. He unlocked the phone and pressed the contact his partner had spent so many nights talking to. It only rang a moment before someone picked up; the male on the other end had a calm tone. Victor was ready to confront the Yuuri about the unknown caller. “Hello, National Suicide Prevention Hotline, how may I assist you?” The voice whizzed around in his skull. ‘Suicide Hotline’ the words stayed in his head, taunting him. Victor ended the call, and the phone fell from his hand. His stomach fell through the floor; he felt sick. All the rage he had built over the last month towards the anonymous caller turned towards himself. He looked back to the small, shaking person in front of him. An orb of overwhelming pain erupted in his chest. “Yuuri…” He carefully walked towards him. “Why didn’t you tell me, Love? I’m so sorry… I’m so so sorry…” He pulled Yuuri’s hands out of his hair. His arms automatically went around Victor’s waist. “Yuuri…” The dam of emotions was demolished with that one word. He started gasping for air as he clung to his partner like a baby koala. Feeling someone’s arms go around him for the first time in days only made him sob harder. Watching him break down was enough to break Victor as well. He picked Yuuri up and sat down on the bed with him. No matter what he did, Victor could not stop the rivers of tears from Yuuri’s eyes, only making him cry harder as well. Knowing his Yuuri--his love, his partner, his best friend-- was in such pain, and there was nothing he could do to fix it-- it killed him. “Yuuri, it’s ok, I’m here now. You’re not alone anymore, it’ll all be okay; I’ll do my best to make sure it gets better. I promise. I love you so much, and I’m sorry I left you to deal with this on your own, but I’m here now. Just let it out, I’m here, I’m listening. I’m here.” He whispered softly to his weeping partner. He gently rubbed his back. Soft whispers and the sound of a person choking on their own tears was all that could be heard throughout the apartment. Peace slowly started coming back into the bedroom. Tears were still flowing, but they were not as charged. The tears now were tears of acceptance; the tears were not inducing shame any longer. They were welcomed. Victor was not upset or angry because of how Yuuri felt, he was upset because he was not there to welcome the tears. “I--I’m so--so s-sc-scared, V-Vitya, I’m so afraid…” It was the first time he had ever told anyone other than the responders at the hotline how he truly felt. “I know, Love, and it’s okay. I’m scared too, but we’re gonna go through this together.” “I--I didn’t m-mean to upset y-you. I--I just didn’t want-t you to l-leave.” “It’s ok, Solnyshko, it’s ok. I promise...I’m here--no more being alone, you don’t have to be alone anymore.” He felt so weak, his bubbly facade finally crumbling, in front of the one person he had worked so hard to hide it from, too. Yet, Yuuri felt more release than he had in months. It was okay to not be happy all the time. Victor would not leave him. That alone freed him so much. He leaned up and wiped his partner’s tears. He kissed his cheek. A smile found its way onto his face, a genuine smile. And, he had hope-- hope that this could again become a regular thing. “Would you like to plan that trip tonight?” Victor pulled away to look at him. “Yea, I’d like that; I’d like that a lot.” “Will you come to bed with me? I can’t sleep without you; you’ve ruined sleep for me, Love” Yuuri giggled. “Well, how can I say no to that? I’m sorry I’ve made you lose sleep.” “We’ll talk about this tomorrow. Right now, I just want to eat dinner with my beautiful fiancee, plan a nice trip to Hasetsu with him, and cuddle with him in bed until we fall asleep. And, if he needs me during the night, I want him to wake me up, ok?” “Ok,” Yuuri looked up. “I love you, Vitya.” “I love you too, Yuura, more than anything.” Things would get better; it was dark right now. But, Victor could help him now. This would not just go away. They would have to work hard to get him the help he needed, but they would be ok. Victor carried Yuuri bridal style into the kitchen. He told him to sit while Victor finished preparing dinner, but he still helped away. They sat together and watched the news while they ate. With Yuuri basically glued to him, he felt more at peace than he had in weeks. He knew they had a long way to go, but, for the first time in months, he felt like things would be ok.