Work Text
Lea had been spending too much time alone lately.The white walls were
hollow and empty, causing the smallest of sounds
to echo between through the empty apartment. The only sound she could hear was the dripping faucet Shaun insisted on not fixing - though she was perfectly aware he had been the one to create the drip
in the first place. She
couldn't help but scratch at her neck as the dripping bounced between the walls. It was driving her nuts.The fireplace was a small distraction. Warmth emanated from the flames
as they danced in the pit. She did her best to keep her attention on the comfort it provided, but she was just too out of it. It couldn't hold her.
Lea's previous assumptions had been true. When they debated moving in together, she'd been sure they were too busy. If they didn't live together, they wouldn't get the opportunities to hang out as they once had. And now, she was more right than ever. Shaun's job kept him busy, and it wasn't often that their schedules matched up.When Shaun was home, she seemed to become suddenly swamped with work. It never worked out the way she wanted. She only seemed to be called in when he was home. Work was making it impossible to spend any time with him.She often found herself rushing the door with barely enough time to ask him how his shift had gone. Had he saved any lives? Was he doing okay? Did he miss her too?She wished she could see him more. Seeing him always put a smile on her face and cheered her up, but she craved the intimacy they once shared. She would give anything to sit with him and watch television with a bowl of popcorn in his lap. He'd tell her how he hated popcorn, but he'd still toss the bits across the room into her mouth with pinpoint accuracy just to see her smile. The show didn't matter. The food didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the time they shared together.She knew they were only friends, but when she was alone and boredom scratched her, she yearned for his presence. She yearned to hold him close. Was
she feeling this way because she felt lonely and empty from the failure of Hershey? Or was there something more growing between them?She
pondered their relationship status often. What did Shaun Murphy mean to her?She had been insistent that her feelings wouldn't change. She had urged them to stay friends. Only friends. She had broken his heart. It was her fault.The guilt tugged at her from his outburst in the kitchen. She hadn't expected him to tear up, to yell at her about how much he was hurting inside. She could see every ounce of pain in the tears that gathered in his eyes. Nothing could have damaged Lea more.If they dated, she would hurt him again. She was sure of it. Even Dr. Glassman seemed
to believe it.Living together had become more difficult than she could have imagined. Her frustrations towards Shaun were small at first, but it grew with each nitpick. All her minor imperfections seemed to be such a big deal to him. Every little thing he picked at drove her nuts. Lea
was understanding
that he was used to living a different way and had a disability that made things difficult, but she needed to feel the freedom of her home. She liked things done a certain way too.Things needed to change. Now that shared the living space, they needed to work together.
They needed to be equals.She didn't feel equal.There had been too many arguments that revolved around his stubbornness and unwillingness to change. She wouldn't classify them as fights, but every disagreement
between them made her nervousness grow.She didn't want to upset him, but the longer she left the issues unaddressed, the more she
began to resent
him. It'd been difficult for them both. The arguments never lasted too long, but they were difficult for her. They weighed on her.In the end, they'd agreed to disagree. They would continue to struggle along as they learned to coexist. As long as they continued to keep working
on a compromise, they would figure things out.Lea appreciated his efforts. At least he
was willing to
try. At least he cared about making things better. (And sometimes he was right. The three-ply toilet paper was worth the extra costs.)Lea found she wasn't too good at staying angry at him, anyway. With so little time for the two to share together, she needed to enjoy the little time they had. The moments together were too pressure. And she was so lonely - she couldn't waste the little time they had together on stupid couples disputes.With their latest argument settled, a wave of relief rushed over Lea. They could do this. They could be roommates. They could be friends.Everything was peaceful. It would be okay.They spent the night rearranging and chatting, laughing alone at each other's jokes. It was everything she had been craving, her eyes wandering to his smile from time to time, her heart filling with joy. She needed more of this - more of Shaun. More of his company and friendship.Hershey had become Hell, but at least she had Dr. Shaun Murphy.
Work was becoming even more intolerable. She made a good amount of money, but it wasn't something she completely enjoyed.
She was continually reminded why she'd quit and moved across the country.There were so many things Lea enjoyed
about her career choice. Fixing cars was her passion and gave her a place in the world. It made her feel needed. It gave her purpose. At first, a career in automotive engineering had seemed perfect for her.Not only would it lead her forward to her goal of owning an automotive shop, but she made a good amount of money to live her life how she wanted. But as she grew
older
the dream seemed less and less likely. Even the shop her grandfather has established eventually fallen. (No thanks to her useless brother.)Often she complained that cars were becoming too reliant on technology, making mechanical repairs more difficult and expensive. This had been what ultimately failed Hershey, although her stubborn headed brother had been an integral part in the failure. Too many cars were becoming only fixable by the large automotive dealers who overcharged on their repairs. They took advantage of their consumer base to build a profit.There just wasn't enough work for a simple
repair shop anymore or enough value in client-repairman relationships.There wasn't
enough work for someone like her.At least her college had trained her in other important parts of the industry. At least she wasn't homeless.It wasn't her passion, but she had found a real talent in coding and developing mobile applications that worked alongside cars. It kept her housed and fed, but it was the hardest type of work for her since it cut off her interaction with the outside world. She was a social being. Staring at a computer screen all day scanning through letters, numbers, and semicolons for simple mistakes drove her crazy.The days seemed to go on and on with little human interaction, but when checked the clock only a few hours had gone by. Time seemed to work against her as it ticked by on its slowest setting.She itched for his company. Anyone would be great, but Shaun would be Heaven.She tried to keep her mind distracted. Blasting music was her usual go to, but she found herself accidentally typing the words in the music. She couldn't properly focus.Next, she tried to use the television to entertain herself, putting on mindless reality shows for background noise. The voices would hum in the background, but inside she knew it still wasn't enough. She couldn't bond or talk along with the characters. It was just
thoughtless voices.And then one night, Lea found herself speaking alone, replying to her own questions. It wasn't just the usual small snippets of murmuring that came with coding.
It had been a full blown conversation about dinner. She was replying to herself on deciding what restaurant she should order from without realizing she was the only one talking.That was her final breaking point. She couldn't sit around in the darkness alone anymore. She couldn't feel empty anymore. Something needed to be done.She needed a friend. She needed someone there.The television flashed a blue light, pulling her attention. She had barely been
following along, but the jingle that played along called to her. A simple ad for a dog food brand, but it gave her inspiration. It was the solution she'd been searching for.She needed to get a pet.Something she could dedicate her time to while Shaun was away and take care of. Something
she could manage besides work and her relationship with Shaun. Something she could care for and pour all her love into and smother with kisses. And something she could rant to about Shaun's stubbornness for
rinsing dishes.
Lea wasn't sure of much at the moment.
She didn't know what type of pet they'd buy, where they would buy it, or what she would possibly name it. It didn't matter. She didn't
need to think far ahead. She knew it
would be.She'd need to convince Shaun to bring him on board. It would be difficult.He was a simple man. He liked things clean and in their place, but a pet wouldn't leave the house in the state he preferred. A pet wouldn't listen to him.Whatever happened, she knew the situation would be messy and new. They would have to change how they lived and how they took care of the house. Shaun would fight every step of the way.
He wasn't good with change.She jumped from the couch and double checked the schedule on the fridge. She only had three hours until he returned home.It would have to be enough.
When Shaun returned home that night, Lea had already cleaned the apartment from top to bottom. The floors sparkled
from the lemon pledge and
the stars glistened through the spotless windows. The apartment needed to be spotless before she approached him with such a controversial topic. She even triple checked that the remote was in the proper place for him.The first thing he noticed when he entered wasn't the cleanliness, but the fact Lea was home. A small smile spread across his face to see her - the most Lea had ever seen - and the corners of his eyes danced happily. He couldn't even attempt to hide his excitement.She sat cross-legged on the couch surfing through social media trying to play it cool. She was aware he had entered, but she tried to keep her eyes on her phone. The energy in the room had changed with his simple presence. She was feeling better, but she had to persist.She turned towards him with the most innocent smile on his face as he approached her. He couldn't completely read
her expression, but it was enough to make him wonder what was going on. He waved at her
with a silly little hello. She waved playfully at him."It smells
very clean
in here," he observed, turning around to hang up his backpack into the proper place. The bleach tickled his nose and reminded him
of
work. He was very fond of the smell. It made him feel safe - he knew there were no germs bouncing around the apartment."I spent all day cleaning," she said with a pause, but quickly continued. "I know we were just
arguing about my cleanliness yesterday, but I don't want to fight anymore. I wanted to show you how much of an effort I'm making. I promise I'll do my best to work with you."Shaun turned to her, his eyes flicking around, a smile in his eyes. He was happy to compromise with Lea. He was already doing his best to not be so anxious about the small stuff, so Lea's efforts meant a great deal to him.He rested his hand on the back of the couch next to her. All he could do was a nod in reply."I want to talk to you about something. Could you sit down please?" Lea slid over and made room on the couch, patting the space next to her as an invitation. She spoke slowly as if he was a deer she had to take extra care to not frighten away.He worked his way around the couch and sat with her with his hands folded neatly on his lap to keep them perfectly still. Serious discussions like this always made him anxious.
Drawing
out the information would make him
squirm
and stress, but he did his best to hide his frustrations. He's promised to listen to Lea when she had worries.He could hear her heart beating rapidly
in her chest and wondered why she seemed so anxious, but he all he could do was wait for her speak. It felt like he sat waiting for ages."I've felt
really
alone lately," she told him in a somber tone. Shaun's body
started to stress. He was only her roommate, but he thought back to all the times they had rushed past each other to get to work. He had been working many thirty-six-hour shifts the last few weeks. He couldn't help but feel at fault.Without realizing it, Shaun's body had rocked the slightest bit. Only an inch or two, but Lea knew how quickly he could break down from the small movement. What started small could quickly grow into a full breakdown. She could see how much he was blaming himself from her simple words."It isn't your fault Shaun," she breathed, trying to fix the conversation before it got too far. "I've just been working from home so much that the apartment has
felt empty and deserted. I've been having trouble focusing and thinking straight." She paused, unsure how to continue.She didn't
know how to describe the depression she felt herself falling back into as he'd jump right into Dr. Shaun Murphy mode. But, she felt like she needed to work her way towards her question."It is
very
common for secluded people to feel anxious and depressed when they spend a lot of time without human interaction. Is that what you've been feeling?"It was always like Shaun to make things so medical and simple in definition, but she had to admit he was right on the spot. She couldn't hide her sadness from him any longer."I guess that's what I've been feeling. It's just been difficult lately. You're so busy with work - not that I blame you. And I have no other friends here. Even gaming hasn't
been satisfying
enough."Shaun nodded to himself, his brain scanning through multiple mental health studies that involved lack of socialization. He wracked symptoms of depression and anxiety, trying to think back about how Lea had seemed the last few days.
Trouble concentrating, remembering details, and
making decisions.
Insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or sleeping too much.
Loss of interest in things once pleasurable.
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings.
Was Lea having any of these symptoms? His first instinct was to jump into the symptoms and ask her questions, but he was also swamped with feelings of guilt. Lea was his roommate and friend. He should have noticed if she was feeling depressed. She had seemed okay, but he knew most
neurotypicals
were naturally gifted at hiding symptoms of depression. They were more stubborn, digging in to seem strong in the crowd.He seemed to be off in his own world, analyzing every little detail of their
conversations from the last month. It would explain why Lea seemed so quick to snap. She'd been sick.Unsure if she should continue, Lea finally
decided to push the conversation forward."I've been thinking," she said in a lighter tone. She had to keep herself from breaking down, trailing her fingers up her own leg in thought to keep herself calm. She was never good at asking for the things she needed. Her heart felt like it was beating a hundred beats a minute and she found herself unable to speak the words that would continue the conversation.After a few minutes, Shaun spoke instead. His head was tilted, and
he was curious about what could be going through her head. He wanted to help her."What have you been thinking about, Lea?"She took a deep breath through her nose. She just needed to ask."I think we should get a pet."Shaun paused. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but that hadn't been it. He'd been scared for her, but it gave him hope that she'd reach out to him. He
could
feel the relief slide off as it if had been sitting on his shoulders this whole time."All right," he responded."Okay?" she asked back. She had been sure it would be a bigger deal to him. She had been prepared to explain and argue - even beg. It hadn't occurred to her he would have just given in to her request so easily."If you are feeling alone, a pet is a great solution. It will give you someone to talk to while I'm working. And it will give you a reason to move around." He nodded to himself as he spoke. Everything he said was true.Shaun
knew
it wasn't his fault she
was
feeling lonely, but he
felt
somewhat responsible. He had promised to support her when she'd returned from Hershey. And now, he could do something. He could make her happy.He nodded a final stronger nod for himself and hopped up from his seat. It
had
been decided."We're getting a pet."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was unlike Shaun to jump so head first into something.He was a worrier, someone who needed to be fully prepared for the task ahead. He'd become a surgeon, but only because he had broken it up into many small stepping stones. This way he could work towards each small goal without overwhelming himself. If he planned and prepared himself, everything turned out okay.Not that isn't to say he didn't have the support of his friends and family. He knew he always had Dr. Glassman to fall back on, but Shaun was stubborn with a strong internal drive to prove to himself to
the people around him. He needed to prove he could be self-sufficient. He could do things on his own. He would plan, prepare, and research anything he needed to be prepared.He was also very aware of how badly he adjusted to change. It was an unavoidable flaw in his character. He could be hesitant at trying new things and weary towards new changes in his environment - even the rearranging of furniture bringing him slight anxiety. Things needed to be done slowly to prevent panic.Lea was the complete opposite of Shaun's personality. Shaun perfectly knew that she preferred to live in the moment and could be reckless. Lea dived head first into things with
little
forethought with a sense of adrenaline. The rush gave her a sense of self-confidence that often turned into overwhelming failures. She struggled sometimes, but she always pushed forward toward the next thing.This complete polar oppositeness was the reason they got along so well.Shaun did his best to teach her to be more thoughtful, often reminding her to take time to think, to slow down and ponder the world around her. If she stopped more often and took time to plan, she would do less worrying later on. (He also hoped that she’d be hurt less often.)But Shaun knew Lea improved his life in the same way, pushing him through things he would be too
anxious
to try. She was careful to not push him too far, but she knew how he hesitated and would hide from his problems if he couldn’t immediately find a solution. She had learned strong he really was and how easily he succeeded when he pushed through. Sometimes he just needed
a bit of
extra support.And sometimes, Shaun just needed a bit of an extra push.Lea had been shocked that Shaun had so easily agreed to get a pet for the apartment. She had been sure he would need time to mull it over and research different ideas. She'd expected that he would need at least a little convincing. Instead, they had headed to bed in agreement to head to the pet store first thing in the morning.Shaun had become suddenly hesitant when he awoke. Something seemed to press on his chest and his eyes were groggy. He hadn't slept well. Knowing it was just the anxiety from change, Shaun pushed it down. He would support his friends at all costs. Lea needed him.He was doing one last check of the apartment before they left. The routine comforted him when he left the house, but this time Lea seemed especially irritated as she stood in the doorway ready to go. She couldn't be sure, but she had a sinking feeling that Shaun was stalling more than he usually did.
‘Remote in its spot. TV off. Fireplace off. Breakfast dishes in the dishwasher.’
The list seemed to go on and on. He could see Lea checking her phone impatiently in the corner of his eye, but he continued fixing up the apartment. They shouldn't come home to a messy apartment. He wasn’t even aware of what he was doing. He could feel himself pushing the pet store off, but something held him back.When Shaun ran out of things to
fix, he silently admitted defeat. He grabbed his jacket from the hook and began to head out. As he followed Lea as she stepped out into the hallway, but found himself unready to go again. The same feeling nagged at him. He held his jacket in his hands as he stood in the doorway wondering if he had forgotten something. He ran through his mental checklist, but everything was already in order.Lea could only watch as Shaun stood in thought. She knew if she waited long enough he would eventually speak, but hadn’t mastered the patience needed to wait for him. She tried to wait a few seconds for him, but the excitement was bubbling within her. She had already waited so long. They needed to leave. Soon.“What kind of pet are we getting?” he finally asked, breaking the silence. If his anxiety wasn't from leaving the house out of order, it must be from the unknowing situation they were running into.“I’m not sure. I thought when we got there, we could just look around. I'm sure something will stand out,” she answered him quickly, hoping it would enough to get him moving through the door. (It wasn’t.)Lea had no clue what type of pet her heart was set on - there were too many options and things for her to take into consideration. She needed to go to the pet store. She was sure something would call out to her. She could feel it in her heart. Her first pet would be clear once she found it.Shaun wasn't as sure about just walking in without a plan. He stood in the door frame unable to move. His head was being rushed with a sudden worry though he was still unsure of why he had become so upset and unsure. Was it all the possibilities? Was it something about the house? Was it from rushing in unarmed? There was just too much going on at once.“If I don’t know what type of animal we are purchasing, I won’t have time to research. And if we don’t research, we won’t know how
to properly care
for it,” he said as his hands wrung at his jacket painfully. In Shaun’s panicked mind, it seemed simple enough, yet there was a deeper ache underneath his words.Lea dragged at her heels, half tempted
to physically push
him through the doorway, she knew how little that would accomplish. Shaun needed to work through things on his own terms. Instead, she moved back into the apartment and leaned on the wall next to him. She did her best to seem calm and comforting.“Is something wrong?” she asked him in a somber tone. There was a concern in her voice she hadn't expected. She felt herself being pulled Shaun back into the previous conversation. Why had Shaun so easily previously agreed to buy a pet, but become so suddenly unsure of the situation? She knew how much he cared for her. She cared for him too. She needed to be strong for both
of them.Shaun thought about it but didn't reply. Not only was it a question, but he wasn't even sure he had an answer for Lea. Nothing was wrong. Yet, he found himself
extremely
hesitant.It was enough for Lea. This was one of those times.“All right, Shaun Murphy. Listen to me. I have been patient. Very patient. I’ve been waiting for just under an hour for you to be ready, but I don’t think you will be ready. We are leaving now because we will get a pet. That’s what we agreed, right?”She expected him to nod, but there was no answer.“Grab your wallet so we can go.”Shaun hesitated a final time. He was still unsure of the plan, he could hear the frustration in her voice growing. He had already told her they would go to the store as soon as they woke up. And he couldn’t change his mind so soon without even going to the store. He was a man of his word.He rolled forward to grab his wallet from its spot, but the same heartache held him back. It was pushed deep down - something so deep he couldn’t tell where it came from or why it hurt him so badly. It made him fearful and unsure.“I’m not ready...”He was unsure of his unsteadiness. What had he even meant by the question?Lea could sense something underneath now, something more in the way he had previously phrased his questions. There was a rare worry she hadn’t heard in Shaun, something she hadn't seen before. He was really hesitating this time, not just throwing himself into a panic over nothingness.She stood up and moved towards him. Unable if she could touch him, she reached out and gently brushed her fingers on his arm. He didn't shy away, so she gently placed a hand on him in comfort.Shaun held his hand tightly around his jacket, his grip strong as he squeezed his skin through the thin fabric. It was so tight that his fingers flexed as he held himself in comfort and Lea could feel how tense he was through her touch. He kept his eyes to the floor, but she could feel how much he was hurting. He still needed to be pushed, but she would need to be gentler in her approach.“Nothing will happen Shaun. I promise. We will bring a pet home and do our best to care for it. We will give it a loving family and as long as we love and dedicate ourselves, everything will be okay.” Her eyes were sincere as she waited for a response from him. Time ticked by, but eventually, he moved.Lea's words must have been enough for Shaun. He pushed his nerves down just far enough so he could fulfill his promise.He pulled from Lea's grip as he threw on his jackets and tucked his wallet into his back pocket. He was silent as he pushed through the threshold of the house.Lea didn't push the issue any further.
Shaun had located a small pet store down the road that had pets they could consider. It was a small locally owned
pet
store, but it had good enough reviews that Shaun was confident it would fulfill their needs. As they stepped out of the car, Shaun felt himself feeling a little more at ease. Lea's smile and constant chatter helped him feel safe.Lea made sure Shaun was right behind her before she stepped inside.The store was an absolute wonder for a neurotypical like Lea. Small bins of animals lined the front end of the store in a way that encouraged impulse buying. Farther back were the supplies and more undesirable animals like snakes and fish. Shaun was too smart for the tactic, but he knew endorphins would flood Lea’s brain as she took everything in. She would be flooded with happiness and excitement as she rushed the cute fluffy animals.Shaun was slower in his approach. He needed to take in the scenery as Lea ran ahead. The store more overwhelming for someone with's Shaun's sensitivities. So many things of his senses were being bombarded at once and he found it difficult to sort through everything. He was being quickly overwhelmed.The sounds of numerous animals shouting at him caused his ears to ache and his brain to cloud as his attention was pulled in so
many
different
directions. He had to work on manually pushing out the loudest of the sounds. He started with doing his best to ignore the surrounding conversations, then push out the barking, then the birds chattering. Using the techniques he'd developed working in the hospital, Shaun slowly grounded himself.The smells that flooded his nostrils were much more difficult to deal with. He couldn't easily block them out. He could smell an endless amount of strong scents: wet fur, lemon cleaner, cat litter, animal feces. The list went on and on. He was tempted to spend all day listing them all, but he found himself unable to identify the final smell. This one particular smell screamed at him in a familiarity he hadn’t expected. He knew it was something he hadn't experienced in a long time, but there was something about the odor that tugged at his heartstrings. He tried his best to finish his list, but he couldn’t quite place figure it out.Letting
out a final deep sigh, he turned his attention towards Lea. The store was overwhelming, but she seemed to do all right. All he needed to do was
focus
on her and whatever animal she was entertained by at the moment. He knew she could keep him in a calm state, so he inched over to be closer towards her. As long as Lea was nearby, he could keep his anxiety under control.He watched her pick up a small brown and grey terrier puppy and a small smile gathered at the corner of his lips. He wasn't a dog person, but it overjoyed him to see Lea like this. He had found himself fascinated with her happiness as of recently and the way it lit up her eyes. It filled him with joy to see her so happy, especially after the difficult admission of her recent creeping depression and loneliness. He pushed down his worries as he watched her, surer than ever they were doing the right thing.She must have read his smile, because she moved toward Shaun, dancing along as she carried the puppy in her arms. When she was closer, she inched the puppy closer to Shaun. She slowly dropped the puppy into his hands, double checking to make sure he was holding on before she pulled her hands away.Shaun held the puppy gently though it didn't fill him with love in the same way it seemed to enchant Lea. He was careful to apply the same precision he’d mastered in med school as it wiggled around in his arms. The last thing he wanted to do was drop the poor little guy. He glanced over at Lea with a glance that begged for help. This animal was just too excited for his liking. Shaun wasn’t convinced that this was the pet they needed and Lea didn’t seem overly in love yet, but he knew he had to at least try.He couldn't help be
bias
against the entire canine species. They were too needy. Shaun had seen many dogs before, but never one so close up. Few animals or people were allowed into his personal bubble. Dogs didn’t respect boundaries. This was the first time he’d allowed a dog so close into his personal space and he was already regretting it. Cats were much better companion animals.Lea nodded him on with complete confidence. Shaun could handle holding a puppy - he did much more difficult and precise things at work every day.Shaun slowly pulled the puppy closer to his face, but his expression was still unclear.Shaun met pushed his eye contact towards the puppy. It had very large blue eyes that seemed to match his own. His fur
poofed
out over his eyes, creating little eyebrows. Shaun was understanding Lea's love for the little guy when the puppy stretched forward and licked Shaun. Drool slopped onto his chin as the puppy licked him.The sensation was horrendous.The tongue was wet and warm and reminded him of everything he touched at work. He could smell wet dog food mixed into the dog's stinky breath. He wasn't usually sensitive to textures, but something about the warm wet flesh got to him. He couldn’t understand how it could become any worse. He pulled the puppy away quickly.When the puppy stopped kissing him, he realized how wrong he had been. This was worse. Way worse. The drool left on his chin was drying, quickly becoming cold and unbearable. His skin tugged as it dried.“He’s very affectionate,” was all he could say as he looked around him for somewhere to put the puppy. Panic screamed at him as the sensations continued. He needed to clean himself.He handed the puppy back over quickly to Lea, using his entire concentration to not
gag. As he scurried off to clean his face at a paper towel station, he could hear Lea holding back laughter. (She didn’t have the heart to tell him those paper towels were for cleaning up puppy accidents.)It was clear to Lea by his tone of voice that this was not the pet they’d be getting. Shaun wasn’t a big fan. And she already knew that the puppy just wouldn't fit their lifestyle - a puppy required way more time than they had to give.As Shaun passed by Lea with a newly cleaned face, he watched her kiss the puppies farewell. A tremble passed through him as he thought of all the germs being passed around.They needed to find something much better suited to apartment life.
“Have you seen the guy I walked in with? Brown messy hair. Bright blue eyes. About this high.” Lea joked with
the people around her, demonstrating how tall he was. As soon as she had finished with the puppies, she had realized she couldn’t see Shaun anywhere. He had been right behind her moments ago, but now he seemed gone.A sweet old lady nodded as she pointed back towards the cat food aisle.Lea was a little surprised that Shaun had wandered so far away in such a little time, but she was happy he was finally enjoying himself. A little giggle escaped her lips as she thanked the woman.The lady just laughed in return before leaning over to whisper. “You better put a ring on that boy before I scoop him up.”Lea almost said something about them not being in a relationship but didn't bother. She didn't need to explain their complicated relationship status to a random stranger. Instead, she smiled and thanked the woman as she turned the corner into the cat food aisle.The scene that played for her wasn't like anything she had imagined.In the
middle of the cat
towers, surrounded by a pack of cats and kittens alike, was Dr. Shaun Murphy.A grouchy looking large cat sat in a tower next to him, licking his chops as he purred and kneaded his paws. This
particular
cat seemed to be drawn towards Shaun. In fact, she’d never seen
so
many cats drawn to a single person. This wasn’t typical cat behavior. To Lea, cats were grumpy lonely animals that only cared for themselves.A smaller kitten sat happily in his arms, purring as it rubbed up against him. Shaun rubbed his fingers through the soft, velvety fur as the kitten rested his head on Shaun's arm. It left a fur tuft behind on Shaun's clothes, but Shaun didn’t seem to care. The purring calmed him and he felt completely at ease as he hummed with the kitten.Lea had known Shaun had
wanted
a cat for a very long time. He’d told tales of the wild cats that used to frequent his childhood home and him begging Dr. Glassman for a pet of his own. She was also too aware the only reason that cat kept returning to her old apartment was the cat foot he continued to put on his balcony. She had warned him, but he had clearly wanted the cat to visit.“Cats are smart. And independent,” he pitched as he rocked back
a bit. It was the most content she'd ever seen him. This was Shaun’s perfect pet. She knew if it was his choice the decision would already be made.But it wasn't his choice. And Lea wasn’t much of a cat person. She needed an animal she could relate to, something she could love and take care of. She struggled, but she knew deep down that this just wasn’t the pet for them.“I don’t think my first pet should be something I’m allergic to,” she told him. It wasn’t a complete lie. She’d found herself itchy around certain haired cats in the past. It wasn't usually a big deal, but the small excuse was enough for her. It wasn't a complete lie.“Okay,” he replied in defeat, though the sound barely escaped from his lips.As Lea turned to leave and find another pet, she could hear him whispering goodbye to the kitten. They slow blinked at each other and a small whimper escaped both their mouths. She had to push herself to keep moving. She couldn't handle the guilt. If his heart was breaking, she didn’t want to see it.Instead, they continued to move up and down the aisles of the pet store together, passing a few different pets that Shaun could tell facts about. This included tarantulas, snakes, and turtles. Each animal fact only made Lea less interested in taking them home. (The snake fact freaked her out the most.)They avoided the rodents. Shaun wasn't afraid of them, but they made Lea a little nervous. Shaun still seemed hesitant around the smaller animals. It seemed best to just avoid the section altogether.Shaun wandered off for, fascinated in watching the fish swim around for longer. He felt constantly drawn to them and the soothing effect they had. The colors and movements fascinated him, but Lea wasn’t as interested in their flashy looks.Lea took the time to face her fears and enter the small animal section of the store. Shaun was still hesitant to enter the area and Lea was unsure why. Shaun didn’t seem afraid of many things, but she knew she could at least face her fears. If she could avoid the rats, but maybe something like a hedgehog could work.The first thing to catch her eye was a bin of rabbits that hopped around with
little
care. They were a lot cuter than the majority of the small rodents. These were fluffy and had V-shaped button noses, similar to the puppies she had fallen in love with earlier. They scattered when she moved towards the pen, but quickly settled. Lea pondered for a few seconds if a rabbit would fit their lifestyle before deciding it would be perfect for them.She picked a small rabbit from the female pen. It was brown with flecks of black and smaller than the rest. She'd grabbed the only one to not immediately run from her, the most socialized rabbit. She turned and rushed back towards Shaun, who was still observing the fish.“I found the perfect pet. Close your eyes,” she instructed. He tried to turn around to see, but Lea just moved to the side and stepped out of his vision. This repeated a few more times, but she wanted this to be a momentous moment for the two.“I don’t like surprises,” he reminded her.“I know. I know, but this is the perfect pet. Please…” she said, pulling the last word into a whine. She pulled on the last word, knowing it pressed his buttons, but she needed to emphasize the surprise. This was the softest pet she’d ever held before. Even if he didn’t like rodents, he had to give it a chance.Shaun groaned as he closed his eyes, but turned around for her, anyway. He held out his hands as instructed, careful to have a firm grip with his palms up for her to place the pet into. It couldn't be any worse than the puppy.He trusted Lea. And besides, there wasn’t anything in this pet store he truly feared.Lea moved carefully, being as gentle as possible as she placed the baby rabbit into his hands. It twitched but stayed relatively still as it sniffed his hands.Shaun
knew
what it was without opening his eyes. The smell was so familiar it had been there all this time nagging at him. It was tied in with the same anxiety he'd
experienced earlier.The
smell
of the fur rushed up towards him, drawing him back through his childhood, but it was too fast. His head was rushing too fast. The room seemed to whirl around him.He
could
hear
flesh smash against the wall, the cracks as bones shattered. The sound
was
so heartbreaking that tears welled up in his eyes.
"What did you do?!"
"Shaun!"
"No!"
"Will you stop petting that stupid rabbit?!"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Shaun? Are you okay?”
“Shaun? Shaun? What are you doing?” Steve called in a worrisome voice.
Shaun tried to focus on the car window. Buildings and trees rushed by. Trucks appeared to be driving backward. But as the world passed by, his mind was just too tangled up in the day’s earlier events.
School had been especially rough on Shaun that day - the other children had pushed him into the mud and laughed at him for his unusual speaking patterns. He was used to their teasing, but they rarely became physical with him.
His clothes were soaked from the muddy deep puddle he’d been knocked into. He could feel each dirt particle that clung to him. He shook from being completely frozen to the core.
“Mom, Shaun’s doing it again,” Steve called to his mom. He was still young and Shaun’s behavior worried him, but he had just reached the age where he was learning how weird Shaun was. None of his other classmates acted this way.
Although he loved his older brother very much, he didn’t yet understand why he acted so abnormally. He didn’t understand his brother’s disability.
Shaun hadn’t noticed his actions, but he had
begun rocking
in his seat once again. He pressed his hands together tightly as he slammed back and forth in his seat. The rocking rhythm gave him a sense of certainty and calmed him, but also made the seat slam with noise.
Steve knew their father had strictly forbidden the attention seeking behavior.
Shaun’s mom twisted as she peeked behind her, trying her best to keep her vision on the road. She could already hear the rocking but needed to check to see how far gone her son was.
“Shaun. Honey. I need you to stop rocking…” she pleaded to him.
“This isn’t the way home,” was his only reply.
It was true. He had been quick to notice that his mom had taken a different route home that day. He could not follow the roads and read the signs he was used to. He couldn’t be sure where they were. He was lost.
“We need to make a stop on the way home today, Shaun,” his mother explained.
Shaun’s mind swirled with uncertainty, but the answer explained why they were taking a different route. It helped him a
tiny
bit. He replied with a hum but didn’t stop rocking.
Pity filled his mother’s heart, but a sudden car horn snapped at her, pulling her attention away from the back seat. She’d nearly crashed into the car in front.
She needed to focus on driving. She couldn’t keep looking back to check on Shaun.
“If you don’t stop rocking, I will tell your father you didn’t behave today,” she warned, though it hurt her to say the words. She needed him to stop rocking. It was for the best.
Shaun slammed himself one final time before forcing himself still. He squeezed his hands together as he bit into his cheek, the only thing he knew could keep him focused on not moving. Blood pooled into his cheek as he squeezed his eyes shut.
“There’s my good boy, Shaun. I knew you could do it.”
“Shaun? Shaun? Are you okay?”Shaun was shaking all over as his mind flashed through horrible memories that had been long repressed. They’d haunted him in his past, but he hadn’t been reminded of them for so long. The rabbit had brought them all rushing back in.He became suddenly aware of how tightly he had been squeezing his hands.“I… I…” he tried to speak but couldn’t find the words. He tried to explain what was going on to Lea, but too many things were rushing at once. Too much was happening.Instead, he pushed his palms forward towards Lea. He could still feel the rabbit and was terrified that he’d hurt the bundle of fur between his fingers. He couldn’t hurt anyone else with his behavior.Lea moved forward cautiously and took the rabbit from his hands. She was extra careful as she pried it from Shaun’s tense fingers. It seemed to be fine, only its fur had been ruffled. It didn’t even seem startled by his actions.With his hands suddenly free, Shaun could reach for the comfort it desperately craved. His hand reached up towards his hair and he quickly brushed his hand through his hair. The motion was familiar, but it could only do so much when his mind whirled.“Shaun? What can I do to help you?” she asked again, worried from his movements. She’d seen him break down before, but never from something so simple.Shaun didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. He was losing himself in his memories once again.
Clothes shopping was hell. He hated it with every fiber of his being. Normally, Shaun would sit in a chair with his hands in his lap while his mother did all the shopping. This store had none chairs he could sit in. And his mom insisted he stay with her.
Steve stood quietly as their mother handed them both coats to try on. Steve had quickly found a coat that fit him nicely. It was easy for him. Now he waited patiently for his older brother to find one too.
“What about this one?” his mother asked him.
He looked over the coat. It was olive green with faux fur around the hood and puffy. It would keep him warm, but he knew it wasn’t the coat for him. He shook his head in reply, but his mother urged the coat at him anyway.
“Just try it on. Please,” she begged. She was already exhausted and struggling to keep the family together enough. If he tried on enough coats, surely he would find one he liked.
The fact that
the school had called and accused her of not buying them coats before the first snowfall of the year had been difficult enough for her. She didn’t like being accused of neglecting her children when she fought so hard to protect them. It wasn’t her fault Shaun was difficult.
Shaun could see his mother becoming frustrated, so he threw the coat over his shoulder
in an attempt
to put it on. His mom reached forward to help him, but he pulled away. He didn’t like to be touched.
Despite the rejection from her son, she let him pull his own arms through the sleeves. It was quicker if she let Shaun do it himself. She didn’t need a meltdown in the mall.
“You look good. How does it feel?” she asked him. She silently prayed it was the one. She needed to go home and cook dinner.
Shaun could only shake his head in response. This wasn’t the one. So many things about this coat bothered him. He could feel the tag scratch at his neck and the hood fur tickle his ears. The sleeves were too tight around his wrists, making his hands feel like they were being squeezed off.
“What’s wrong with it this time?” If only he’d tell her what was so wrong with the coat, then maybe she’d know what to avoid.
But Shaun couldn’t verbalize his thoughts. He was only
extremely
aware that the coat didn’t properly fit. It didn’t feel right. He flailed as he
hum
screeched. His patience was wearing thin, and he needed the coat off.
“All right, Shaun. You can take it off.” With the proper permission, Shaun pulled himself from the coat. He sucked in the air as if his lungs would only just now accept oxygen.
His mom sighed. It was going to be a long day.
Lea looked around her, unsure of what to do in this situation.Shaun was still in the
middle of the meltdown
and it didn’t seem to
be getting
any better. She had never seen him so deep in his panic before. Sometimes he stared for a minute when he recalled things, but she it had never been for this long.And his hand was constantly moving. He paced around frantically as his hand ruffled through his hair over and over. He hadn’t hit himself yet, but it didn’t seem too far off - she’d heard
that
only happened when he got really out of control.He was becoming so frantic that it worried her. She’d never seen him this far gone. Even when he had fought with Dr. Glassman, he had seemed mostly in control.Lea didn’t judge him for his behavior in the slightest bit. She knew he couldn’t help it, but the strange stares that seemed to pour in around her gave her unease.As a store employee approached them, she found herself unable to think. Unable to ask for help. Instead, the store employee just gently took the rabbit from her hands. Lea was about to thank the employee when a shout caught her attention.“It doesn’t fit! It doesn’t fit!” Shaun seemed to scream from nowhere. Tears were welling in his eyes and he stomped like a child having a hissy fit. Cages rustled behind him.The people continued to stare as he picked up his pacing once more, judging looks plastered on their faces. Lea glared at them briefly, silencing them with her stare. It wasn’t enough.She reached out to Shaun and slowly placed her hand on his shoulder, unsure if he’d
accept
her touch. She was unsure if she could physically calm him down, but it was the only thing she could think of. She didn’t know what else to do.Shaun froze, but he didn’t move away.“What’s going on?” Lea asked him.
Shaun had spent so long waiting in the school
office
he was worrying if they’d be late for dinner. It had been at least an hour, but the time seemed to triple when he was in trouble. He had been told not to move as his parents entered the office.
The ticking of the secretary’s watch went on and on, giving Shaun a sense of comfort he rarely had as he listened to the noise. He’d figured out every 119th tick was off by the smallest bit, but she hadn’t seemed interested by the fact.
The watch had cycled at least thirty times. Shaun was sure.
His mind wandered back to the reason he was in the office. Surrounded by screaming students, Shaun had been forced to take part in dodgeball. When he had refused to drop the ball, another student had tried to force it from his fingers. Driven by panic, he’d smacked one of his
fellow
classmates, leaving him with a bloodied nose.
Shaun felt horrible. He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. Or cause any physical damage. He didn’t want to be touched. He didn’t understand the game.
Eventually, Steve joined him. With their parents busy in the office, there was no one to drive the duo home. Steve’s presence helped Shaun to feel a little better. His mom stayed calmest when both her sons were around though he knew nothing would calm his father’s reaction when he emerged from the office.
The brothers sat together in silence as shouts echoed through the principal’s door.
“What do you expect me to do about it? It’s not our fault he’s retarded!” His father’s voice boomed through the walls.
Shaun couldn’t help
shudder. He wasn’t sure he completely yet understood the words. He’d heard the word a few times in the playground but didn’t yet know the strong implications the word carried. He felt different - like he didn’t fit in properly.
Steve
was completely aware
of what his father was saying and how it was such a horrible thing to say. He didn’t like it when people described Shaun that way.
He’d learned quickly how toxic of a home they both lived in. Their father was always shouting about something - he was like a bomb ready to go off at any second. His mother lived in constant fear. Sometimes he became physical.
Steve wasn’t scared. He would protect Shaun at any cost.
The pet store seemed to rush around Shaun. He was breathing in fast panicked breaths that sent the room whirling around him. His mind felt woozy from lack of oxygen.He could no longer concentrate on blocking out the beastly sounds that surrounded him. People and animals shouted around him. Cages smashed. The lights blared.Why had they come at such a busy time? Not only did the animals seem to be as loud as physically possible, but the patrons were gathering around him to stare. They whispered horrendous things and made comments to each other.Lea could hardly believe her ears.“Who do you guys think you are?” she shouted suddenly, unable to let them continue their whisperings a second longer. She was becoming extremely irritated at the way they treated Shaun, watching like they were some
sort of
freak show.Shaun flinched from her shouting, but Lea was too focused on the crowd of strangers. His hands pulled up to his ears like magnets tugging together. He needed to stop the sounds.“You need to keep walking,” Lea threatened. Her tone had so much hateful spite she almost scared herself, but she was pushed forward by a need to protect her friend.All he could do was
rock
as he pushed his hands onto his ears. He could feel the pressure as he squeezed tightly, but the noises continued to rumble through. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough.
“You need to do something. He can’t keep flunking out of
school
like this!”
“He’s doing his best. You know he isn’t like the other kids. He’s special in other ways.”
“He’s special all right,” the man remarked.
Shaun’s mother had to take deep breaths. She loved her son very much, but she needed to stay calm. If she became upset, her husband would only blame Shaun more.
“The principal recommended an aide, someone to help him. Maybe we could try that?”
The air was frozen around them. Shaun trembled from the other side of the door. He couldn’t understand why his father was so against him getting help.
“No.”
“W...why not?” she asked in barely a whisper.
“Because he doesn’t need it. He’ll grow
out of it. He can be normal.”
Shaun didn’t understand. He wasn’t acting like this on purpose. He wasn’t trying to upset his parents, but their arguments always seemed to revolve around him and his behaviors.
“He’s not doing it to piss you off Jack…”
“I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for a son like him,” he shouted.
“Mom’s right you know.” Steve’s voice caught his attention from across the room. “He’s wrong.”
Shaun was unsure what to say. Steve moved over towards his brother and hugged him. They held each other close as something smashed against the wall. It sounded like glass, but he couldn’t be sure. It seemed to be much heavier.
He squeezed his eyes shut and did his best to block it all out.
“I hope mom’s okay,” Steve whispered to him.
Tears streamed down Shaun’s face. The memories were too much for him.
A pair of dark sunglasses hid a deep blue bruise on his mother’s face. Shaun couldn’t understand why she was wearing them in December, but he didn’t ask questions. He didn’t need to upset her any further.
She kept a hand on his shoulder as they entered the pet store. Shaun could feel his anxiety brimming within, but said nothing this time.
The sounds and sights could overwhelm for him
at times, but after last night’s chaos, his mother was determined to distract the boys.
Shaun found himself drawn to the mew of the kittens, but his mother pulled him past before he had time to touch any of them. He felt disappointment but knew it wasn’t the time to cause a fuss about it.
Shaun was forced to face his mom. Steve joined them too.
“I’ve decided that we’re getting a new family member today, but there will be rules. Okay?” she asked. She’d decided this against her husband's wishes, but if she couldn’t get Shaun an aide,
maybe
a pet could help give him the emotional support he needed to grow.
Steve jumped in excitement and smiled towards Shaun. This was great news. They were getting a pet!
“No dogs and no cats. And nothing that’s dangerous. I want you to choose together as you’ll be sharing the responsibility.” She smiled at her boys. They were so brave. This would be a good thing for them.
She released them and Steve ran off, pulling Shaun by the hand behind him.
The boys explored
many
different
animals as they ran through the store, but Shaun
found himself
pulled back to the rabbit enclosure at every opportunity. They were fluffy like the cats but could be kept in a cage at his mother’s request.
He would rub his fingers through the velvety fur and close his eyes, breathing in their scent. He felt at peace as he held them close.
Steve had his eyes on a small hamster. It entertained him as it rolled his wheel. Every so often it would tumble off, bringing joy to the boy’s face.
But when Steve joined his brother, he knew he couldn’t fight with him about which pet they would bring home. Seeing Shaun so happy as he rubbed the rabbit made everything okay. Shaun needed this happiness more than he did.
“What are you going to name him Shaun?” Steve asked.
Shaun didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure what would fit the little brown bunny.
All he
knew
was how much he loved it.
Shaun could feel his muscles loosen as the memories stopped flowing. They still pulled at him and threatened him, but he was no longer slammed with them in the same intensity as before.The shop buzzed around him and his eyes felt heavy with exhaustion. His body had been through so much in such a short time. He shook as he regained his senses.He wasn’t sure when he had hit the floor, but he could feel bruising where he had come down quickly. He’d slammed into something.As he pulled his arms away from his head, Shaun took in
the room around him. They were still in the pet store and he seemed to be surrounded by shelves. Some things had been knocked over in his panic.The entire store had become relatively silent. He could still hear the animals making noise around him, but the people had left them alone. He could focus on his breathing once again.He angled his head up towards the only sound he
could
hear. Beside him, Lea was sitting cross-legged with her hands in her lap. She was watching them intently as she fiddled with her thumbs. As he moved, Lea’s head snapped towards him.“Shaun, you’re okay!” she said excitedly, being extra careful to not be overly loud. She crawled closer to him but was careful to not touch him.Shaun pushed himself up the smallest bit and nodded to himself. He was okay.“What happened? Are you feeling any better?” she asked him.Shaun thought to himself. He did feel a lot
lighter
now
that
he had worked through the memories. His head wasn’t as foggy.He’d seen the family he missed so much. He’d been blessed to see his bunny one last time. And to see Steve. They were protecting him from Heaven. Their love filled his body.“When I was young, I had a bunny,” he told her in a somber voice. Tears welled up in Shaun’s eyes as he spoke.Lea listened thoughtfully. She
felt
guilt
as she remembered the rabbit she had placed in his hands. If she
had
known how badly it would have hurt him, she would never have done so.“My bunny meant the world
to me. When I hurt, he was there for me. When my dad yelled and lashed out, he was there for me. When my mom cried, he was there for me.”“But when Steve went to Heaven, my bunny wasn’t there for me. He was already in Heaven.”“I’m so sorry, Shaun,” she whispered to him. She
was
sorry for everything.“They protect each other now. In Heaven.”