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They stood together by the door of the cottage, the last dead roses with their sharp winter thorns interlacing the trellis work over the entrance, the sky already darkening into evening. Laurie unlocked the door and they moved inside.
There was some distraction over the blackout, it kept them busy for a while. When they finished they looked around the empty room. Most things had been removed already. The divan remained, a couple of armchairs and a rug. It was spartan and a little depressing, but the fire had been lit and a basket of fir-cones and spruce trimmings sat nearby. They threw some more on and settled themselves, Ralph in the armchair at Laurie’s insistence, while he sat on the rug by his feet. For a while Ralph talked of little of consequence.Laurie looked up at Ralph from time to time as he was talking. His fair hair had fallen forward over his brow and his face was shaded and lit by the firelight. Laurie smiled at him, feeling for a moment a sense of peace in the silence. He turned back and leaned a little more against the armchair so that he could feel Ralph’s leg pressing into his back. He began to feel drowsy with the heat of the fire, but too aware of himself to relax entirely. He looked about him, the remains of his former life was packed away and lost. It felt like a warning or perhaps a sign. The floor was hard and a little uncomfortable, the knee felt stiff and had begun to ache. But Ralph’s voice was low and warm. He felt suddenly that he had stopped talking and looked up at him.Ralph said. “Spud? I’m sorry it’s been a bit of a day for you.”“Yes, I’m glad it’s over.”“You’ll be meeting Babs again, I expect.” In the darkness Laurie could hear the smile in Ralph’s voice.“Oh, Babs. Yes, I should think we’re both in with a chance there.”“Yes, it’s what the good Reverend would have wanted. Light one for me, would you?” Ralph passed Laurie his cigarette case.Laurie lit the cigarettes and gave one to Ralph, their hands touching briefly. He looked away and dragged deeply on his own and for a while they both sat in silence staring at the flames. Laurie’s feelings were confused. He knew that the many things that he oughtn’t to feel, need not be said to be understood. He tried to think simply of the soft rushing sound of the fire burning but the feeling of Ralph’s leg against his back intruded into his thoughts.He said, “I don’t think there was ever a time, if someone had asked me, that I would have said it was what I wanted.” He wasn’t sure himself what he meant.“It’s for the best.” Ralph squeezed Laurie’s shoulder quickly. “Like I said, Spud, we can’t all be consistent all the time.”Laurie made himself think of his mother and the empty house, he said, “Yes, I know. But I feel it. I can’t help it.” His cigarette burned down and he reached around for another one.“I’m here. You know you can talk to me.” Ralph’s voice was quiet and intimate.“Yes,” Unsure even now what he was saying, Laurie said “but, I’ve often had a feeling that there’s nowhere I really belong.”He felt Ralph’s hand on his shoulder again, this time he didn’t remove it. Laurie turned to look up at him. The light of the fire picked out the gold of his hair and the bright outline of the side of his face. In the semi-darkness. he couldn’t see Ralph’s eyes, but felt that Ralph had drawn imperceptibly closer to him. Ralph said, “You belong with me. As long as we’re both alive, this will always be your place before anyone else’s. That’s a promise.”There was very little that Laurie could make himself say. He leaned in towards Ralph, aware of wanting in some way to express assent and acknowledgement. He placed his hand briefly on Ralph’s leg. He felt the muscles harden beneath the blue serge and removed his hand quickly, feeling a little disturbed and instead applied himself to feeding more fir-cones to the fire.‘Spud, relax.’ Then with what Laurie felt was decision, Ralph got to his feet and held out a hand to him. ‘Let’s have a look at this bedroom upstairs, then.’They stood, facing each other. Laurie felt a slightly constricting panic. He couldn’t tell whether it was the thought of Ralph quietly saying goodnight and leaving him or doing neither, that made him nervous.‘What are you thinking, Spud?’ Ralph was standing very close now.‘Oh, about who’ll sleep where and everything. I can pull the divan out and you can take the bedroom. I don’t mind which. I used to love sleeping down here by the fire, with Gyp.’ He stopped.‘Well, let’s sort the divan then.’ Ralph helped him pull the thing apart and arrange it by the fire and in all the labour and distraction, it was easy for Laurie to prevent his thoughts running along before him.They finished. It was done. They stood looking at it in silence.‘Spud?’‘Yes?’“You think too much. Come here.”Laurie felt himself moving towards Ralph, until there was very little space between them. Around them the room was simply made of shade and darkness and the faint glow of the fire. They looked at each other.‘You mustn’t worry so much. I wish I could make you realise. There’s nothing to worry about.’‘I know, Ralph.’For Laurie, confused by the effects of the champagne, the desolation of the day and a conflicting sense of both expectation and irresolution, the moment seemed suspended. He stood waiting. He did not think for what.But after a few moments, a dream so recently remembered made him move instinctively, and it seemed to him that he had been moving towards this moment for months. In the darkness, it was easy not to think and he leaned forward and kissed Ralph’s mouth and felt the firm resistance yield a little.He felt rather than saw, Ralph’s hand come up to the back of his neck. His own hand reached upwards to touch Ralph’s hair. He closed his eyes. He felt the pulse beating in Ralph’s temple and the pressure of his body against his own. Every point of contact seemed over-sensitive, Ralph’s hand touching his neck, Ralph’s tongue pushing apart his lips. They kissed infinitely gently and when they broke apart, Laurie stood for a moment feeling a little disorientated.“Is this what you want?” Ralph’s voice was low.“Yes.” And it was Ralph who moved now and kissed him, a little less gently this time. Laurie felt his own tongue in Ralph’s mouth. He moved his hands to Ralph’s arms and felt the muscles straining beneath the material of his uniform. He could feel Ralph’s weight pushing him back against the wall as they began to move in a rhythm that came surprisingly naturally to him. Ralph placed his leg between Laurie’s, careful of the knee, so that he could feel the solid press of Ralph’s muscles against the inside of his thigh.After a while, Ralph broke away and Laurie opened his eyes. He felt suddenly a little foolish and exposed and partly to diffuse the moment and partly because he felt that there was only one possible movement he could make, he took Ralph’s hand and placed it over his chest. They looked at each other and then slowly Laurie felt Ralph moving his hands down, gently pulling at his shirt and placing his hand against the bare skin on his stomach.The feeling of Ralph’s flesh against his own made him flinch but then the heat of the unaccustomed touch began to feel familiar and oddly reminiscent. He felt pinioned to the spot, his back against the wall and Ralph’s hand moving lower.He continued to exist in a state of semi-aware dreaminess, the feeling of Ralph’s body hard against his own. Laurie closed his eyes again. This, he felt, is what he wanted. To not have to think. He knew, as much as he knew anything, that this is why he had called Ralph yesterday. But he pushed the thought away. He felt as if he wanted the moment never to end and yet never to have its resolution.“Ralph?”For a moment Ralph paused. “Yes?”“Don’t stop.”