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jeongguk isn't lonely. that’s not what it is.it’s just that, sometimes, most times, he finds himself trailing off during conversations. he likes talking to others, he does, but there’s something about making small talk with people who aren’t going to remember him in five years. there’s something defeating. like a sharp feeling in his throat. like a blade cutting his words short.he would say he doesn’t have any strong relationships with others, but that isn’t fair. he has people who care about him, and he can’t disregard that. he just finds it difficult to create relationships.perhaps it’s just the outcome of him thinking too much, but there’s something undeniable about the way his voice cracks whenever someone engages him in conversation. there’s something undeniable about how his eyes begin to drop at the endings of his sentences and how it gets harder and harder to bring them back up.it’s gotten better though, his communication skills. back when he was a freshman he couldn’t even find the courage to offer someone a pencil. he still remembers sitting in his political science class and watching one of his classmates desperately search for a writing utensil. jeongguk had two extras in his bag, and he told himself to do it. it was the right thing to do. it was the normal thing to do.but his hand drew close to his stomach beneath his white sweater, and he burned.he pressed his fingers into his skin in attempt to get it to stop, but the flames continued to haunt him. had haunted him for a long time.all he remembers is his mind repeating the same thing over and over again: i wish i was brave. i wish i was brave. i wish i was brave.but the fire never ceased, and his veins continued to burn, and his fingers continued to press bruises onto his ribcage.and it was a pencil. it wasn’t a significant piece of him. it was a fucking pencil.he’s gotten older now, and with time comes growth whether it’s welcomed or not.jeongguk can smile and laugh and mumble jokes under his breath until the person next to him is blushing. he can do all of these things, but for some reason he can’t get rid of the dull ache. the fire. the feeling of his insides being ignited with every punctuated word.it’s why he can’t finish most of his sentences. it’s the quiet whisper, like a flickering flame, reminding him that the conversation will mean nothing in the future. that the person he’s talking to will mean nothing. that he’ll mean nothing.he doesn’t like the burning feeling. it makes him feel smaller, pushed further into an abyss he can’t see the bottom of. it makes him feel more isolated, like he’s standing in the way of a thousand falling stars.maybe that’s what loneliness feels like.but jeongguk isn’t lonely. that’s not what it is.he leans his head against the trunk of the tree he’s sitting under.despite classes being out, jeongguk couldn’t bring himself to go home. it’s not that he doesn’t want to or that he particularly enjoys staying on campus. it’s just that...after class ended his body felt weighed down.it’s been a bad day.you’d think after 20 years of living his life he’d know how to handle something as simple as an off day. you’d think he’d know how to lift his feet up off of the ground and how to keep his head in place.it’s a pathetic sight. really. jeongguk pulls his hoodie up over his head and buries his face in his arms.why couldn’t he just ignore the burning? why did his voice have to shake when his world literature professor asked why he was working on his group project alone? why did he have to hesitate when she asked if he wanted to join another group? why did he have to hold his breath when he sat down at a table with two other boys? why did he have to dig his fingernails into his palm when they asked him what he wanted to do for the project?because that’s what makes it worse, these small things. they’re what fuel the undying fire in jeongguk’s veins. his habit of isolating himself, his professor’s concern, the way the chair squeaked when he pulled it out to sit down, the sincere smiles on the boys’ faces as they welcomed him.it’s never anything big, but sometimes jeongguk wishes it was. it’d make more sense.“it’s going to rain.”jeongguk’s head snaps up at the voice. startled from his thoughts, he anxiously searches for its source.there are two boys sitting on a bench a few meters from him.“i hope you packed an umbrella then.” one of the boys replies. he has red hair.the other boy mumbles something incoherent after that.jeongguk peers up at the sky. he hadn’t noticed the grey clouds earlier. his eyes drag back down to the two boys. they haven’t seemed to notice him yet.the boy with black hair lifts a cane and hits the other.“if you don’t drive me home right now i will walk into oncoming traffic. i’m not kidding taehyung.”it’s then that a drop of rain hits jeongguk’s cheek. and then another. and another.it seems unreal at first. one moment the sky’s empty and then the next a downpour of water is falling from its embrace.within a few seconds his feet are seeping into a shallow puddle collecting at the bottom of the tree.he glances back to the boys who are now struggling to protect themselves against the rain. jeongguk’s hair sticks to his forehead as he quickly unzips his bag for an umbrella.he’s not the same person who cowered at the thought of lending someone a pencil all those years ago, and so he approaches the two boys umbrella in hand.he makes eye contact with the one with red hair and smiles softly. “need help?”the red haired boy smiles back. “i didn’t think you’d be my savior twice in one day, jeon jeongguk.”the same moment jeongguk asks, “do we know each other?” the boy beside the red haired one mumbles in obvious annoyance, “you didn’t tell me someone else was here.”the boy doesn’t look at jeongguk when he says this. his eyes are cast down. unfocused.the red haired boy ignores the other's comment and clicks his tongue in thought. “i’m taehyung. we have world literature together. you were put in my group earlier today?"in realization, jeongguk feels a burning heat run up his spine. he remembers sitting down with two boys after his teacher frowned at him for working alone, but when he tries to recall their faces nothing comes to mind.he only remembers staring at the project outline with heavy eyes. he only remembers trying to steady his breathing as the two boys began discussing the project.because that’s what jeongguk does. he obsesses over loneliness, but then pushes and pushes and pushes. away from conversations. away from people. away from himself.the silence hanging in the air is already exceeding what should be normal. jeongguk knows this. his mind’s so conditioned to counting seconds that he subconsciously warns himself when two seconds have passed.like every other time he’s counted, once the fourth second passes the smile begins to fall from taehyung’s face.“i didn’t expect that the smartest kid in the class would want to join my group.” taehyung coughs awkwardly. “of course, i’ll pull my own weight though. jimin will too. we just didn’t think you’d be interested?”jeongguk considers telling taehyung that it wasn’t his own choice to join, but he doesn't. instead he feels himself fall into the burning sensation blooming below his lungs. he reaches his hand up to press down on it.his eyes are cast down. he tries to look up, but he’s doing it again. the thing when he can’t bring his eyes back up to the person talking to him. it’s pathetic.“i’m sorry.” jeongguk whispers quietly.taehyung doesn’t hear.“i just…” his words trail off. jeongguk’s gotten better at this. he has. it’s just been a bad day. he’s had a bad day. jeongguk tries again. a little harder. “i appreciate it. truly. it means-” but the words stop coming out. jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut.not knowing what to do, jeongguk jerks the umbrella up without paying much attention to the motion. he almost hits the boy with black hair, but he seems to have anticipated it and steps to the side.the boy doesn’t address jeongguk though. he simply picks up the black cane lying on the bench. “this kid’s wasting my fucking time.”jeongguk flinches at the words. he tries to ignore the way his skin starts to burn too. his fingers unknowingly loosen, and the umbrella falls to the pavement.taehyung opens his mouth to say something, but jeongguk’s having a bad day. tears are brimming in his eyes, and he feels the fire lick at his insides, and he’s having a bad day.  he excuses himself with a trembling voice and practically runs from the two boys.jeongguk hates it. he hates when he gets like this. it makes him feel universes smaller.but if there’s anything jeongguk’s good at it’s slowly letting himself fade away from the world. getting lost in the fire trapped behind his lungs.he’s good at making himself small, invisible, unseen, unheard. he’s good at burning away and falling apart as if it’s a routine. he’s good at being by himself, and he’s good at being left alone.but he’s not good at feeling lonely. he never has been.△the next day is a better day. there’s no rhyme or reason to it.sometimes jeongguk feels like he can carry a planet on his shoulders, and sometimes he feels like he could crumble from the weight of a single finger brushing against his arm.he’s having lunch in the library with namjoon because that’s what he always does. it’s what he’s done ever since his junior year in highschool when namjoon found him spending his lunch period in a bathroom stall because the cafeteria was too crowded. they ended up going to the same university after that, and things just stuck.“how’ve you been guk?”jeongguk lightly chews on the edge of his plastic spoon. “i’m better today.” he replies. “my group in world literature wants to do the project on frankenstein.”namjoon laughs quietly. “no traditional korean shamanism then?”“guess not.”this is how it usually goes. conversation’s easy because namjoon understands jeongguk. he understands jeongguk’s silences and his sentences that come out crushed together in a mess of words.he stares at jeongguk thoughtfully for a moment. “you never stopped by the cafe yesterday.”jeongguk swallows slowly, realization flooding him. he completely forgot. after the encounter with the two boys in the rain, he went home and fell asleep.  “i’m sorry hyung. i just…it was raining, and i didn’t…”namjoon quickly fills in jeongguk’s empty spaces. “it’s okay guk. you don’t have to attend every open mic i read at. i just wanted to know if you were okay.”jeongguk looks down at his hands. “when i went home i lost track of time.”it isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the truth either. jeongguk had gone home and obsessively stared at the clock next to his bed wondering when the burning would go away. he had anxiously pressed onto the bones of his ribcage and forearms until the fire died down.he doesn’t tell namjoon that though. namjoon doesn’t have to know that pathetic side of him.a silence falls over the two, but it isn’t tense or uncomfortable. there’s no counting down the seconds until the pause exceeds a normal time. namjoon knows how to handle jeongguk’s absent words and whispered mutters, and for that jeongguk’s grateful.jeongguk rests his chin on his palm. namjoon begins writing in his notebook again. when jeongguk glances over, he reads the title ‘forever rain’ at the top of the page. he smiles to himself, and his eyes flutter back down to his half eaten fruit cup.that’s when he feels it. the heat.except. it’s not the same heat that floods his veins when he starts tripping over his words. it’s not the same burning sensation that leaves him clutching his stomach when he thinks too much.this heat’s different. it feels as if it’s real, as if it’s right in front of him.the shrill sound of a fire alarm suddenly floods his ears.when jeongguk looks up, the first thing he sees is smoke. it billows over the bookshelf to his left.the sight startles him, but he doesn't act yet.his eyes lock on a boy standing in the aisle in front of it. a boy whose fingers trace the wooden panels of one of the burning shelves.“jeongguk.” he hears namjoon’s voice, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the boy.does the boy not see the fire? he must feel the flames licking at his skin.“jeongguk. we have to go.”but jeongguk doesn’t move. he watches as the pages of burning books flutter around the boy.the boy doesn’t flinch when a whirlpool of ash explodes in his face. he doesn’t react.jeongguk can barely hear namjoon’s muffled yelling.a shelf above the boy’s head cracks under the pressure of the fire and tumbles down over him. the sight sparks something within jeongguk, and before he can stop himself he's moving.it only takes a few moments to reach the other.there are blackened holes scorched into the boy’s flannel. when jeongguk wraps his hand around his wrist, the boy flinches, but he doesn’t turn away from the burning shelves.“hey.” jeongguk yells over the flames. “you have to get out of here.”he yanks on the other’s hand. the boy’s flannel shifts and reveals an array of burn scars littering his forearm.jeongguk’s eyes widen at the sight. his heart beats loudly.the boy still doesn’t turn around.“you’re going to get hu-”there’s another small explosion of paper, and jeongguk winces at the sting of ash.burning physically is different than the burning under his skin.jeongguk hears yelling all around him and the rising chaos as the fire intensifies, but for some reason he feels eerily calm. he stares at the boy in front of him for a few more moments, drinking in the visual of the other’s pale skin contrasting against the growing flames.he’s snapped out of his trance when rough hands grab his shoulders. “what are you doing?” the voice yells. “are you responsible for this?”he’s brought back to reality, but all jeongguk can hear is ringing. all he can feel is the heat from the fire.it isn’t until he’s dragged outside that the ringing stops.jeongguk presses his index finger to his cheek. his skin still feels like it’s being consumed by the heat.it’s weird, feeling the fire on the outside. the flames are usually internalized. this is different.he doesn’t know how he feels about real fire.“can you hear me?” the man in front of him asks again.jeongguk blinks up at him, but the words only echo in his head.he can still feel the fire.“i’m taking you to the police station for suspected arson.”jeongguk doesn’t protest. his mind’s still dazed, and his skin’s still burning. he may have shaken his head in opposition, but he isn’t sure.the man’s grip on his wrist is tight.jeongguk blinks slowly.“you’ve got the wrong person.” he hears a vaguely familiar voice mutter behind him. “he had nothing to do with it. he just wanted to burn.”he doesn’t have the opportunity to see who says this before the man holding onto his arm pulls him away.△jeongguk doesn’t know why he doesn’t speak up when he’s taken to the police station. he simply lets himself be traded off from person to person until he ends up in an interrogation room.he should’ve spoken up, he really should’ve, but something keeps him buried deep in his thoughts. something holds him under the lingering sensation of flames against his arms, hands, lips.the burning still hasn’t gone away.he doesn’t end up being interrogated. all jeongguk does is sit at a desk across from an empty seat for thirty minutes before he’s released.something about a misunderstanding. something about having the wrong person.when jeongguk leaves the police station namjoon greets him.“you owe me guk.” he smiles.jeongguk smiles back hesitant, unsure of what his reaction should be.“i tried yelling your name back at the library, but the smoke made it too hard to breathe.”“was it that bad?” jeongguk asks. he doesn’t remember namjoon leaving or his name being called or the smoke becoming that suffocating. all he remembers is…“yeah. i almost went after you, but administration kept yelling at everyone to evacuate. the security guard that dragged you out wouldn’t let me get you.” namjoon begins to walk with jeongguk down the sidewalk. “you were so fixated on the fire. he thought you started it.”jeongguk blinks at the words.“they took you off in a cruiser too. can you believe it? i had to drive all the way here to explain to them how you wouldn’t hurt a fly.”“is that what you said?” jeongguk asks in quiet disbelief.namjoon snorts. “i told them you were sitting with me the whole time. it didn’t take much convincing. they already have another suspect in custody.”jeongguk squints up at the sun above him for a moment. he contemplates his own curiosity. “how do you know there’s another suspect?”“when i went into the police station they were talking about the other boy who was with you. do you remember him?” i do. jeongguk thinks. he doesn’t remember being dragged away from the fire or being accused of arson or being pushed into a police cruiser, no, that’s all blurry when he thinks about it, but he does remember the boy. the pale skin. the scars decorating the boy’s hand, wrist, arm. they way his fingers danced across the burning shelf.namjoon takes jeongguk’s lack of response as an absence of mind. “have you ever heard of min yoongi?”jeongguk’s mind falters at the name, and he shakes his head.“good.” namjoon says. “avoid him. the officer i talked to was reviewing his profile. apparently he has a history with arson.”jeongguk doesn't know what he was expecting, but for some reason it wasn’t that. he hadn’t considered that the fire was started on purpose. it never crossed his mind that, perhaps, someone wanted to see the library up in flames. it never occurred to him that there were people who voluntarily wanted to burn.“when he was 9 he killed his family in a fire.”oh. jeongguk’s mind can’t help but wander. that’s more than just wanting to burn.△when jeongguk gets home that night his apartment’s empty, and the burning still hasn’t subsided.he subconsciously digs his fingers into his ribs.they’re starting to stick out more. he pushes a little harder and winces.it isn’t that he hasn’t been eating. he tries to. he just forgets sometimes, most times. at lunch namjoon always pushes something into jeongguk’s hands anyway.sometimes his unhealthy habits hit him out of nowhere though, and it’s like realizing he fractured his ankle only after running the marathon.he fills a glass with tap water until it overflows.it isn’t that he can’t take care of himself.he’s trying. he is.at times like this he just wishes he didn’t have to.a dull pain seizes up in his stomach, and his grip on the glass of water tightens.jeongguk drags his feet across his kitchen in search of something to eat. he opens cupboard after cupboard, but the shelves are vacant.he doesn’t go grocery shopping, always forgetting to fill his apartment with the things that’d make it a home.his apartment’s practically empty.he’s never had anyone over either. too afraid they’d look at all of the unfilled space. too afraid they’d connect the dots. too afraid they’d notice just how hollow jeongguk is.he contemplates going out to get something to eat. he knows it’s the right thing to do, knows it’s what he should do, but he grimaces at the thought of walking to the store in the dark.he’s trying though. he really is.when jeongguk was seven his mother told him to stop trying.she saw her son crying because a boy said he was too sensitive. with tears welled up in his eyes, jeongguk had explained to her how the older boy stomped on the dandelions he’d picked. how he told jeongguk wishes were for little kids.his mother looked him in the eyes and told him to stop trying so hard. told him to stop caring so much.maybe he should’ve taken her advice.maybe he should’ve listened to her.but he didn’t.even now he can’t, and so he tries and tries and tries.he closes the door gently when he leaves his apartment. makes sure it doesn’t slam shut behind him.jeongguk’s never been good with strong sounds. loud noises make him jump more than he’d like to admit.he cowers at the overbearing, and maybe that’s why he burns.jeongguk’s never had the guts to take arms against the universe, and so he obliterates his own soul because maybe if he was smaller it wouldn’t hurt so much. maybe if he took up less space it wouldn’t feel so suffocating. maybe if he blinked out of existence veins could always be filled with blood instead of gasoline.his feet echo on the vacant sidewalk. there’s a 24 hour convenience store a few blocks from his apartment complex.it only takes a few minutes to reach it.when he opens the door a bell rings above his head.the store’s empty, and jeongguk’s reminded why he never likes being out this late. it makes him feel uneasy. he blames it on his need for things to be full, whole, complete. blames it on his need to fill awkward silences with improvised words. his need to fill glasses until the water spills over the brim.he circles the store three times before he forces his feet to stop.finding himself in front of a display for fruit, jeongguk questions the morality of buying fruit at a 24/7 convenience store.he knows it’s not the best choice to subdue his hunger, but his hand reaches out for a small carton of cherries anyway.while the cashier scans the cherries, jeongguk reasons with himself. it’s not the worst decision he’s made. cherries are sweet too.when jeongguk leaves the convenience store he’s immediately struck with the smell of cigarette smoke. he coughs into his arm, eyes searching for the source.in the distance, a retreating silhouette is barely distinguishable in the dark.jeongguk squints at the figure.he doesn’t remember passing anyone on his way to the store.△he only hears the name min yoongi once following the library fire.“shouldn’t we start the project relatively soon?” jeongguk asks.taehyung sighs across from him. “i know i said i wouldn’t slack, but holding it off is totally logical. it isn’t due until the end of the quarter. we have plenty of time.”jeongguk adjusts the cuff of his sweater.“of course, you can still read to get ahead.” taehyung adds. “i’m just not planning on working on the project months before it’s due. i don’t think jimin is either.”jeongguk chews on his lip. “i guess that makes sense.”taehyung smiles at him. jeongguk makes sure to smile back.“i just wanted to confirm that we were on the same track.” jeongguk says. “you do have a history for being unprepared for things.”“what’s that supposed to mean?”“you didn’t have an umbrella when it downpoured last week.” he jokes.a silence falls over them. jeongguk’s eyes snap up to taehyung’s, and he realizes he read the conversation wrong. he took a wrong step. instead of coming off lighthearted, guilt immediately floods taehyung’s expression.“i’m sorry about that. my friend was being a jerk. i was going to go after you, but he-”“it’s fine.” jeongguk cuts him off.taehyung closes his mouth and stares at jeongguk. “min yoongi will be the death of me.”taehyung says this under his breath, but jeongguk catches the name. memories of namjoon warning him about the boy replay in his mind. does taehyung know him? does he know if he started the fire?jeongguk can almost feel the flames licking at his skin again.“do you know him?” jeongguk can’t help but ask.taehyung’s eyes snap back up. “yoongi?”jeongguk nods. “i’ve heard some rumors about him starting the fire in the library.”taehyung’s face is blank. “that’s just a rumor.”“i know. i just heard the name back at the pol-”“not all rumors are true, jeongguk.”jeongguk notices the slight hostility in taehyung’s tone and immediately retracts. he hadn’t meant to upset the other.he feels his insides twist.why did he have to be so insensitive? why did he think it was okay to press a subject matter the other seemed uncomfortable with? jeongguk reprimands himself for being so blind. so naive.he apologizes for overstepping and forces another smile, this one a little wider. it makes taehyung drop the subject and continue to outline the worksheet they were given.but once taehyung looks away, jeongguk’s entire posture falls as he slumps over. his cheeks ache from smiling.he doesn’t know why he does this, why he tries so much. he just wants taehyung to like him.a voice in his head challenges whether there’s anything to like about a boy made of ash.he breathes for a few moments trying to regain his composure.he’s not good with people not liking him.jeongguk tries to smile to himself again, but it leaves him feeling more hollow than before.he doesn’t know why he needs people to like him. for someone whose hands used to shake at the thought of offering another person a pencil, it’s really quite ironic.jeongguk’s smile turns bitter. he tightens his grip on his pencil.some things never change.after all, the burning hasn’t changed yet.but he says he’s getting better. he really truly is.how many times does he have to say it for you to believe him?△jeongguk’s nightly trips to the 24/7 convenience store start to become more frequent.he goes again tuesday night and then friday and then saturday, because he’s sad, and then sunday, because he isn’t feeling better, monday, tuesday. it goes on.tonight a carton of blueberries rests in his hand.the scent of cigarettes hangs heavy in the air again, and jeongguk’s vision focuses on a boy sitting hunched against the brickwall of the convenience store. he’s wearing a hoodie with the word ‘damn’ written across the front.it’s the first time he’s seen an actual person smoking.“you can’t smoke here.” the words leave jeongguk’s mouth before he can stop them.“fuck off.”“you shouldn’t be smok-”“i’m outside the store, no?” the boy doesn’t look up when he speaks.jeongguk feels a faint heat rise in his chest. “the no smoking sign is outside too.”“you really are a fucking pain.” the boy shoots back. after a few moments of silence he adds, “i should’ve let them arrest you back when they had you in custody.”his words freeze jeongguk in his thoughts. “what do you mean?”the boy pushes himself up so that he stands in front of jeongguk. he throws his cigarette on the ground.“how’d you know i was in custody?” jeongguk asks quietly, the heat rising to his cheeks.the other ignores him. he stumbles at first, but after regaining his posture he begins to walk away.“wait-”“when i said fuck off earlier, i really meant it.” the boy snaps, not bothering to look back as he speaks. “you give me bad fucking vibes.”he strides forward.at a loss for words, jeongguk lets him.△jeongguk looks for the boy the next few times he visits the convenience store, but he’s only ever met with lingering cigarette smoke and a figure walking away in the distance.it’s as if the boy always times it perfectly so he’s gone before jeongguk can reach him.jeongguk isn’t sure why it matters so much to him. he tells himself it’s because the boy somehow knew about his detainment. deep down, however, he knows it’s something else.the boy had a certain hatred in his voice when he spoke to jeongguk. a hatred that sparked something in jeongguk's veins. sparked something different.△“you’re really smart.” jimin says, writing down the last of the problem.“thanks.” jeongguk replies with his voice nearly a whisper.“do you study a lot? what gives?”jeongguk doesn’t know what to say. “i guess i just...get it?”jimin rolls his eyes, but then he smiles. “i really appreciate you helping me. i was gonna flunk so bad.”“taehyung is really admanant on postponing this frankenstein project, so it’s really no big deal.”“you have a point.” jimin laughs. “but calculus can honestly choke.”“seems like you’re the only one choking.”jimin’s jaw drops dramatically. “you, jeon jeongguk, are a brat. i don’t get why taehyung’s so soft for you.”“i think he feels guilty for something that happened a few weeks ago.”“what did he do?” jimin asks. “taehyung’s usually quick to make things up to people.”“it’s not really anything he did. he was just with a friend who made an offhand comment.”“what friend?”“i don’t know.”“what’d they look like?”jeongguk tries to remember, but he had spent so long burying the memory that he can’t come up with anything more than a silhouette.he starts to recall that day. remembers the rain, the umbrella, the burning, the this kid’s wasting my fucking time. jeongguk feels the side of his lip curve down.he’s always brought back to these kinds of things, these moments that should be insignificant but stay with him like ash beneath his fingernails.he looks over at jimin, who’s now mindlessly drawing sketches on his calculus homework.jeongguk realizes he never answered the other’s question. realizes he had distracted himself in a series of lost thoughts.jimin must be used to it by now though. they’ve only hung out a handful of times to help each other with coursework, but it must’ve been enough for jimin to learn about jeongguk’s uncomfortable quietness and how he closes himself off sometimes.maybe he is just wasting everyone’s time.△four.five.six.seven.eight days later, and jeongguk’s alone in the dim lit aisle of the convenience store again. he hadn’t visited in over a week, opting for locking himself in his apartment after class rather than face the world like a normal person.he pays for a box of raspberries, like he always does, and the cashier hands him his change.when he opens the door to exit, the cashier says something about how it’s supposed to rain, and the words make jeongguk glance behind him in response.at that very moment, someone bumps into his side, and he drops his box of raspberries on the ground. when jeongguk turns back around he’s met with an older looking man.the man says nothing as he pushes past jeongguk.sighing, he reaches down to pick up the now half empty box of fruit.“a sorry would’ve been nice.” he says to himself, beginning to pick up the fallen raspberries littering the sidewalk outside the store.once he’s collected them all in the palm of his hand, jeongguk turns in search of a trash can."took you long enough to come back." a voice stops him in his movements. jeongguk’s eyes quickly fall on the boy. he’s sitting on the sidewalk a few meters from him. "i have a question for you.”jeongguk must’ve not noticed him earlier. he straightens up and walks toward him. all those visits to the convenience store without the other’s presence replay in his head.the boy takes the cigarette out from between his lips. he doesn't look up at jeongguk, but he does acknowledge him with a slight nod."why do you come here?""i could ask you the same question." jeongguk replies. he stuffs his hands into his jacket pockets."it's 11 pm.""i know.""what do you buy?" the boy asks.jeongguk holds up his half empty box of raspberries.it's when the boy doesn't react that jeongguk leans down and notices it.the flickering streetlight to the left of them barely illuminates his face, but it's enough for jeongguk to see the light pigment of the boy's eyes and the way his pupils remain unfocused.the boy below him tilts his head slightly, but his eyes never settle on one specific thing."you're blind." jeongguk says in surprise.that gets a reaction. the boy's face breaks into a wicked sort of smile. "i could say the same for you."the words get lost in the wind for jeongguk. he leans in closer, enraptured by the way the light reflects in the boy's pretty eyes."you deadbeat kids are all fucking blind."jeongguk's snapped out of his momentary trance. "i'm not a kid." he attempts to defend."sure." the boy grins mockingly.jeongguk disregards the comment, "what's your name?"he blames his curiosity for this. blames the nights he spent waiting for the boy to reappear. blames the empty apartment waiting for him. blames the uneasiness, the insecurities, the loneliness.the boy leans closer to jeongguk’s bent over frame, and jeongguk flinches away.instead of reacting to jeongguk’s startled behavior, the boy reaches his hand up and effortlessly rests his palm against jeongguk's cheek. it would seem affectionate had it not been for the vacancy in his eyes and the sneer on his face."wouldn't you like to know."△later that night, jeongguk sits on his bed as moonlight casts itself across his room.his bed has always felt too big for him.the lights are off, and jeongguk stares down at the box of raspberries in his hands.when he was a kid, raspberries were his favorite fruit. it was because they were bitter at first but then sweet. always sweet.back then he and his mother would pick them off a bush outside his house. back then his mother told him to stop trying, to stop caring, to stop obsessing over every small thing.jeongguk should’ve listened to her, but he didn’t, and now he pays the price.now he's caught in the headspace of repeating every single small detail to himself.the boy’s words from earlier are all he can hear, and his unfocused eyes are all he can see.besides the steady heat running through jeongguk's veins, a cold palm against his cheek is all he can feel.but the fire’s always been there, so it really shouldn’t mean much that it’s there now.jeongguk doesn’t like to think about the possibility of him being destined to burn. likes to think about it as collateral for something out of his control.but whether it was fate that made him like this, jeongguk’s still here. in his apartment. alone.whether it was fate that made him like this, jeongguk’s still burning.when he brings a raspberry up to his lips it doesn’t taste sweet.it tastes like ash.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

namjoon rolls an apple to jeongguk when he sees him at the library one day.“there’s an open mic tonight.”"i’ll be there hyung.”namjoon sits down across from him. “how’ve you been? i haven’t seen you in a while.”it’s an innocent question.jeongguk had stayed locked up in his apartment for a few days. it wasn’t anything bad, he just couldn’t get the taste of ash to go away. he had sat in his apartment in the same white shirt for days asking himself why he couldn’t make it go away.he only left to go to the convenience store at 11 pm, and the boy was always there. despite being blind, he’d instinctively lift his head every time jeongguk passed him, but he never said anything.jeongguk rolls the apple around on the table for a few seconds. “do you know anyone who’s blind?”the question catches namjoon off guard. “i don’t think so.”jeonguk nods his head, hair falling over his eyes.“why’re you asking?”jeongguk swallows, “just curious.”△the cafe namjoon’s open mic is hosted at is filled with people when jeongguk gets there.he’s greeted with the smell of brewing coffee and conversations he can’t make sense of.“i’m going third.” namjoon smiles when jeongguk finds him in the corner of the cafe away from the crowd.“you’ll do great hyung.”namjoon flicks a folded edge of the piece of paper in his hands.“is there anywhere to sit?” jeongguk asks.he glances around the occupied tables until his eyes land on a hunched over figure a few meters away. the person has a black jacket with the hood pulled over their head, and their face is in their arms.before jeongguk can ask about them, namjoon’s already one step ahead. “they’re usually at the open mics i go to. i think they just like to listen.”jeongguk slowly nods. his eyes flitter across the room again, but the only empty seat he can find is the one across from the hooded person."i’ll be over there.”he begins to approach the table.jeongguk doesn’t say anything when he reaches the other person, simply slides the chair out and sits.he does stare at the person with their head resting in their arms for a few moments. notices a scar on the small sliver of their visible hand.nobody engages him in conversation, but jeongguk doesn’t mind. he’s almost relieved even.he’s terrible at small talk, not because he can’t physically hold conversation but because holding conversation over trivial matters exhausts him. discussing the weather and where he sees himself in the future has always made him press his fingers into his burning skin a little too harshly.small talk always leaves him feeling short of breath, as if his lungs have been filled with a smoke that can’t escape, as if a fire is being trapped beneath his skin.it isn’t long before the open mic starts.the first person reads a poem about nature and how we’re all destined to return to it.the second person reads song lyrics about death being an illusion.namjoon stands up once it's his turn.when he walks up to the mic, he has this quiet ambience about him that’s both soft and powerful.jeongguk quickly loses himself in the other’s words as he starts.it’s a poem about rain, and it makes jeongguk feel like the water that slowly runs down bus windows. it makes him feel like a filled drainpipe and those puddles kids always run through laughing without a care in the world.at the end of namjoon’s poem, jeongguk finds himself leaning in to capture the final verse.“i wish it would rain all daybecause i’d like someone to cry for mei wish it would rain all daybecause then people wouldn’t stare at mewhen it rains i get a feeling that i have a frienda friend to knock on my windows and ask if i’m wellplease don’t ask any serious questionsbut please keep pouring foreveri’m not lonely when you’re pouringplease stay by my side.”the words leave jeongguk’s eyes cast on the floor.namjoon has a history of writing angry poems about the strife of society, but this poem’s different.it resonates within jeongguk differently than most of the poems he’s heard from the other.he feels like he’s missing something. missing it terribly.it isn’t the kind of missing for when someone moves away. it isn’t the kind of missing for birthday cards halfheartedly written for a friend of a friend of a friend.it’s a different kind of missing.it’s the type of ache that never truly goes away. because jeongguk knows he’s lonelier than he’d like to be, but it’s always been something held at the very bottom of his mind. something pushed into the shadows because maybe if he ignored the ache it wouldn’t matter.jeongguk wants something like the rain namjoon speaks of. he wants something to soothe the emptiness in his heart, but no matter how hard he tries he can never find it.water gives into heat, and jeongguk’s heart has always been made of fire.△that night the boy at the convenience store isn’t smoking. instead he has headphones in listening to music.jeongguk absentmindedly tosses a clementine from one hand to the other as he exits the store.when he glances over at the boy’s frame, he notices the same black jacket from the person at the open mic.before he can stop the words, jeongguk asks, “do you like poetry?”there isn’t an immediate response, and jeongguk realizes that the boy must not be able to hear him over his music.he turns to leave, but then the boy replies, “i do.”jeongguk didn’t expect an answer. he finds himself at a loss for words.“you always come here at the same time.” the boy remarks.“i do.”the other doesn't reply.“i saw you at the open mic earlier.” jeongguk says slowly, unsure of where the two stand. last time the boy had criticized him, but today there’s no malice in the boy’s expression.“i had a feeling that was you.”“what does that mean?”“you sat across from me, right?”jeongguk’s eyes widen in surprise. “how’d you-”“i know things.” the boy cuts him off. “plus you kids all give me the same vibe.”“i’m not a kid.” jeongguk replies, as he did days before.the boy visibly exhales, seeming to bite back words.“why were you at the open mic?” jeongguk asks.the other runs his fingers over the rips in his jeans. he looks as if he’s not going to say anything, but then he mutters, “it was warm.”“it’s warm a lot of places.”“a different kind of warmth.” the boy replies as if the simple statement explains it all.“what’s your-”“you should go.” the boy interrupts him. “it’s going to rain soon.” his head’s tilted up into the streetlight. jeongguk’s reminded, once again, that the boy has pretty eyes.he stares at the boy’s features in the dim light of the convenience store. his eyes trace over the boy’s cheekbones and then over the soft curve of his cupid’s bow. “are you-”but before jeongguk can finish, the other’s kicking out one of his torn up converse and standing from his seat on the sidewalk.with absolutely no regard for jeongguk, the boy shoves his hands into the pockets of his black jacket and begins to stroll away.and like the first night they interacted, jeongguk lets him.△“hyung?” jeongguk says into the silence hanging over him and jimin the next day.jimin looks up from his calculus textbook with tired eyes. he’s been noticeably stressed over his coursework lately.“do you know anyone who’s blind?”jimin stares blankly at him. “no.” he mumbles and looks back down at his book.thinking to himself, jeongguk begins to wonder about the boy from the convenience store.he glances down at jimin. the other’s anxiously biting his lip as his pencil etches equations across a piece of paper.“he has black hair.” jeongguk says to himself more than anyone. “how do you even start conversations with people who’ve already denounced the validity of your existence?”jimin groans. “i hate calculus.”jeongguk scans over the problem jimin’s working on. “is that differentiation for inverses?”jimin nods his head.“it’s pretty easy once you get the formulas down. i did that two semesters ago and aced the exam once i realized-”“can you not.” jimin interrupts him.jeongguk’s eyes widen at his cold tone.jimin doesn’t look up at him.jeongguk feels something inside him start to shrink. feels his insides start to condense. feels an uncomfortable heat start to build below his ribcage.he shakily inhales and then tries again. “for the first problem you plug the coordinates into the original equation, not the derivative.”jimin doesn’t say anything.“it’s really not too bad, usually the algebra is clean.”jimin exhales in response, visibly frustrated.jeongguk presses his fingertips into the skin beneath his ribs. hard.“sorry i wasn’t as gifted as you.” jimin says coldly. “things don’t come as easily to others as they do to you, jeongguk. some of us have to actually try in order to be successful.”and that…that hurts jeongguk more than anything. that people think he’s not trying every second of his life. that people think he’s not weighed down by the simplest of things. that people think he didn’t eat lunch in the bathroom alone during most of highschool because he didn’t know how to stop trying. didn’t know how to try in a way that actually worked. a way that could make the loneliness go away. always trying. always caring. always putting everything into the small nothings of his life.sure, jeongguk can get a good grade on an exam, but does that really matter if his insides are burning to the point that he can barely speak through smoke filled lungs? does that really matter if all he can find beneath his skin are cracks and burns that he doesn’t know how to heal because he doesn’t know where to start?jeongguk would take the million eyes of disappointment for failing in academics if it meant he could feel as if he meant something to someone. anyone. he’d do anything to make the fire go away. to make the burning stop.jeongguk tears his eyes away from jimin. he can feel them start to sting, but he doesn’t let the tears fall.knows it’d be selfish to take jimin’s own anxieties and make them about him.knows jimin didn’t mean to hurt jeongguk.knows no one really means to hurt him.knows that he’ll always get hurt anyway.“if you need any help.” jeongguk’s voice shakes. “i can... i can try to help you.” try to do better. be better. jimin glares at him. “just go home jeongguk. get some sleep.”jeongguk’s mouth moves for a few seconds, failing to form words. he slowly nods his head and stands up from the table.jimin doesn’t looks back up.△jeongguk's feet are heavy when he closes the front door behind him.he drags his feet to his bed and quietly collapses.jimin’s words play over and over again in his head.
things don’t come as easily to others as they do to you.
jeongguk blinks slowly.why is he always so upset?others struggle far more than he does, torn down from chasing passions, ripped apart from high expectations.what does he have to complain about?jeongguk digs his nails into the soft skin of his forearm.it’s burning again.he’s burning again, but it isn’t a big deal because he’s been burning for as long as he can remember. he should know how to deal with the fire. he should know how to not let it escape and hurt others. he should know how to be a good person.silent tears stream helplessly down his face.he shouldn’t be crying. he has it so easy. he has it so fucking easy, so why does it hurt so much?jeongguk screws his eyes shut.he almost doesn't go to the convenience store.he almost stays home. almost calls it a night after breaking down over three sentences that weren’t even meant to hurt him.but after a few hours he can't stand staring at the ceiling of his apartment.it’s almost 2 am when his stomach growls as a reminder that he hasn’t eaten anything.like habit, he drags his feet to his apartment door and finds himself pulling his jacket tighter around his frame.he tries not to think about the boy from the convenience store. remembers that his fixation on the other is what first agitated jimin. remembers how he was talking to himself about pale eyes, dark hair, and scarred hands. remembers jimin’s glare.but it seems like the boy from the convenience store always ends up on jeongguk’s mind.there was something about the way the boy confidently denounced jeongguk, like jeongguk's done to himself countless times before. he's not the type of person to chase after people so he can be torn down, but there was something about the boy that left jeongguk with an itching curiosity.the boy had easily generalized jeongguk as a kid going nowhere, and perhaps he was simply projecting, but it was the first time someone had looked at jeongguk and seen right through him.blame jeongguk for his own self destruction, but the boy's cold, poised criticism left jeongguk with a desire to find out what else the boy might know about him.it's a cold night, and the wind makes his frame shudder.the walk to the convenience store is muscle memory despite it being later than usual.he's two blocks from the store when he smells the smoke.it's not like the cigarette smoke he's accustomed to at this point. it's much stronger.jeongguk quickens his pace.when he gets to the corner where the sidewalks intersect the store, he's met with flames licking at its windows and smoke spiraling up to the sky.like the fire at the library, it doesn’t seem real at first.a fire alarm blares in the background, but jeongguk only registers the echo of his pounding heartbeat.he stumbles a little, eyes glued on a figure standing before the burning convenience store.jeongguk wouldn't consider himself an absentminded person, but he loses his ability to think past the scorching heat of the fire washing over his entire body.there’s something about the heat, the way he can feel it externally, that makes him want to run away. even after being filled with flames for so long, jeongguk still doesn’t know how he feels about real fire.his eyes are drawn from the fire to the figure in front of it repeatedly until he recognizes the figure as the boy from the convenience store.the sight goes over his head once a part of the store’s sign falls in a tumble of smoke and flames.the heat of the fire only grows stronger and stronger.jeongguk feels a million things start to burn inside of him. he feels his frustration from earlier rise up, how he can never say the right thing, how he takes life too easily, how he can’t stop himself from caring so much.he can’t help the tears that start to fall all over again. he can’t help the slight shake in his stance as the growing fire towers over him.“goddamn it.” he repeats to himself, violently wiping under his eyes, but the hurting doesn’t go away.it’s burning. he’s burning.jeongguk closes his eyes and crouches down.pieces of the convenience store fall before him, and the crashing sounds of broken parts make him flinch.why can’t he be a good person? why does he have to care so much about every little thing?his mother’s words repeat in his head. stop caring. stop caring. stop caring. he presses his fingers into his ribs.there’s another loud crash, and he flinches again.the world is so loud, so fucking overbearing, and jeongguk just wants to shrink. disappear. fade away.but a part of him still trembles at the thought of ash. still shakes at the thought of burning away into nothing.he curls further in on himself.jimin said jeongguk didn’t know what it was like to try, and it’s not fair.he buries his head in his arms.namjoon had read a poem about finding comfort in the smaller things in life, but nothing works. nothing ever works. jeongguk’s been searching all his life, but he hasn’t found anything that subdued the burning. the fire. the ache in his chest. the fear that he’s alone to be cremated by the inferno trapped beneath his skin.suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder.jeongguk’s head snaps up, and he’s met with the sight of the boy, with his black hair and pretty eyes, crouched in front of him.his focus desperately jumps to the boy as he tries to push everything else down.“why are you crying?” the other’s voice is gentle. it sends a shiver down jeongguk’s spine.jeongguk’s voice helplessly shakes, “how’d you know i was crying?”the boy doesn’t smile, but his expression is soft. so. so. soft. “lucky guess.”his hand runs from jeongguk’s shoulder down to his wrist, and he pulls jeongguk up with him as he stands.“you should go home. the fire department’s going to be here soon.” the other doesn’t let go of jeongguk’s wrist as he begins walking away from the fire.“i can’t go home.”“why not?” the boy asks.“it’s…” lonely. cold. empty. the other nods his head despite jeongguk not finishing his sentence. he doesn’t let go of jeongguk yet. continues to walk.“where are we going?” jeongguk asks.“somewhere.”“i don’t even know you.”the boy turns back to jeongguk. “min yoongi.”“what?”“that’s my name. min yoongi.”jeongguk doesn’t know how to explain it, but everything seems to come together, and he just...understands.△turns out min yoongi is not the person jeongguk thought he would be.after travelling several blocks, yoongi had abruptly stopped and told jeongguk to find somewhere to sit.jeongguk didn’t know what to do at first. had looked around frantically still recovering from the fire.but he found a bench eventually. dragged yoongi over by his hand because the boy was apparently unfamiliar with this side of town.“are you okay?” jeongguk asks when he notices the burns decorating the other’s skin.“what kind of question is that?”“i’m sorry.” jeongguk finds himself apologizing far too quickly. ”it’s just…the fire.”yoongi disregards this. “it was a nice convenience store.” he says. his hands slide into the pockets of his black and white jacket. “my parents would take me there a lot as a kid. the owner would always give me candy because i was blind.”“why are you telling me this?”“i want to.”jeongguk lets the words sit with him. he doesn’t remember the last time someone talked to him for the purpose of simply talking. he doesn’t know why yoongi would want to talk to him.“why were you at the convenience store?” yoongi asks.“why were you?”yoongi pauses for a few moments before monotonously replying, “because you weren’t.”“i’m sorry.” jeongguk says out of habit.yoongi’s face twists in slight annoyance. “stop apologizing. it isn’t your fault i was waiting for you.”“you were waiting for me?”“i guess it was more waiting to make sure you weren’t going to show up.”“what does that mean?”a distant expression washes over yoongi’s face, and his lips are downturned in a frown.the wind blows around them as they sit under a flickering streetlight.jeongguk shivers.it’s after a minute or two of silence that jeongguk accepts that he isn’t going to get a response.it’s after another few minutes that jeongguk considers leaving.he doesn’t.not yet.there’s a troubled look on the other’s face that keeps jeongguk anchored on the street bench.jeongguk isn’t good with silences between two people, but there’s something about the restless way yoongi taps his fingers on the metal bench beneath them. there’s something about the other‘s hands as they tremble in the cold that’s telling jeongguk he should stay.but then the silence grows and grows, and jeongguk always breaks under pressure. always. always. always.maybe yoongi already thinks he’s left. jeongguk hasn’t attempted to say anything to break the silence. he wouldn’t notice if jeongguk quietly walked away.jeongguk moves to stand, but then yoongi blurts into the silence, “can i touch you?”the other doesn’t wait for a response before lightly resting his hand on jeongguk’s.that’s when jeongguk feels it, a jolt of something small. it isn’t noticeable at first.they say a person can feel sparks when a natural chemistry exists between two people. they say a person will feel small bursts of warmth bubble up inside them, but jeongguk feels the exact opposite.where a fire usually burns at the bottom of his lungs, he feels a certain hollowness, a lack of something that’s usually there. he’s overwhelmed with a feeling of calmness, serenity, peace. he feels the way he imagined he should’ve felt his whole life.jeongguk doesn’t know how he can feel so much from a simple touch. he doesn’t even know yoongi. had only heard a rumor about the other. had unknowingly made small exchanges with him at 11 pm on the nights things were more bad than good.jeongguk’s mind wanders easily.he’s only had a handful of conversations with the boy sitting next to him. there was nothing about their interactions that would’ve drawn them together enough for him to feel this way.a majority of the times yoongi had spoken to him were to tell jeongguk that he didn’t like him. thought he was some punk kid going nowhere in life.so when did that change?jeongguk focuses on yoongi’s pale eyes. he stares for a long time.“how did you know it was me back at the convenience store?”yoongi’s hand is light on jeongguk’s, impossibly so, as if he’s afraid jeongguk will crumble beneath him.“had a feeling.”one thing jeongguk first notices about yoongi is his intuition.“i have a question for you now.” yoongi says into the cold night air. “why were you crying earlier tonight?”jeongguk feels the air slowly deflate from his lungs. he doesn’t want yoongi to see that side of him. he doesn’t want anyone, really, to see that side. “it’s…” stupid. unimportant. pathetic. “don’t feel pressured to answer.” yoongi backtracks. “don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”jeongguk releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in.“i’m yoongi.”“i know.”“i told you earlier? everything’s sort of a blur.”“you did, but i’ve heard about you before too.”if yoongi has a reaction to this he doesn’t show it. “all good things i assume.”jeongguk recalls namjoon’s words as they left the police station weeks ago. avoid him. he killed his family in a fire. “i’m glad you don’t believe them.” yoongi mutters. his hand still rests on top of jeongguk’s.“how do you know i don’t?”“you wouldn’t be here if you did.” yoongi doesn’t face jeongguk. in fact, his entire body is turned away from him.“what if i was curious? what if i just wanted to find out if they were true?”“then you’d find something very disappointing.”“you aren’t denying anything though.”yoongi doesn’t reply again after that.△when jeongguk sees jimin the next day there’s an apologetic look on the other’s face.“i’m sorry about yesterday.” he says once jeongguk sits down. “i was really overwhelmed with my coursework.”jeongguk smiles and tells jimin that it’s okay. he reassures jimin that it was really no big deal because he had been getting tired and was better off heading home anyway.jeongguk lies through his teeth about how they can just pretend like it never happened because it’s the only thing he knows how to do.all jeongguk knows in the realm of forgiveness is how to pretend things are okay, how to pretend they had been okay the whole time.but there’s something about ignoring the wounds that only tears them apart more.how do you erase an entire night of manickly repeating another person’s offhand comment? how do you erase the tears and the crying and the aching between your lungs? how do you erase years of feeling like your veins are burning?jeongguk wishes apologies worked. he wishes apologies could make everything better.because if the other person didn’t mean it then it shouldn’t mean anything to him, right?jeongguk’s fingers lightly brush over the purple and blue now decorating his ribs. he doesn’t wince. knows that the bruises are there. knows that they’re almost always there.“for our project i was thinking…” but jeongguk tunes out.he doesn’t mean to. he really doesn’t. he wants to be a good person, wants to listen attentively, wants jimin to like him, but his thoughts get lost.isn’t it strange how easily some people can move on from the past and continue living their lives as if something isn’t weighing them down?jeongguk obsessively lives in the past, and maybe it’s because he doesn’t believe in the future and is sickeningly afraid of the present. or maybe it’s because the past is something that can’t burn him.his meeting with jimin ends with an awkward half hug and a promise to start research for their project.it seems like everything’s back to normal, like everything should be back to normal.there’s something painful in how jeongguk waves at jimin when he leaves, something painful in the smile plastered across his face, something painful in how easily he can pretend.△when jeongguk sees yoongi again things are different.instead of seeing the other after he leaves the store, he finds yoongi waiting for him before he arrives.yoongi’s sitting on the curb with a black cane at his feet when he gets there. he has a bored expression on his face and is holding an unlit cigarette between his fingers, as if he was planning to smoke but then decided against it.“hey.” jeongguk greets.yoongi doesn’t move.“i didn’t think i’d see you here so soon after the fire.”“they blamed it on old wiring.” yoongi tilts his head in jeongguk’s direction. “plus i was waiting for you.”“why?”yoongi stands up from the sidewalk. “i need your opinion on something.” he picks up the black cane at his feet and begins to walk gesturing for jeongguk to follow.“okay.”△yoongi takes him to a park a few blocks away from the convenience store. they sit on a bench, and it’s reminiscent of the night of the fire.jeongguk sits a distance from the other.“look up.” yoongi says. “what do you see?”jeongguk tilts his head until it rests on the back of the park bench. he squints for a moment but then settles for, “the sky.”“what’s in it?”jeongguk swallows, and his eyes quickly scan over the night canvas above him. unsure of what yoongi wants him to say, he mumbles, “stars. a lot of stars. the moon’s a half crescent. it’s blurry though.”yoongi seems to contemplate these words before asking, “what stands out to you the most?”jeongguk wants to say the stars. wants to mutter something about how they’re beautiful and how he had learned about constellations when he was 12. he wants to say the moon. wants to talk about how he once read a story about the moon and sun gods being in love.jeongguk doesn’t though. he doesn’t answer with the stars or the moon because neither would be true.for some reason jeongguk feels obliged to be honest. yoongi had witnessed his breakdown at the convenience store, and so there’s no reason to hide this truth.a lonely fragment inside of him directs his eyes to the vast darkness.jeongguk exhales slowly.what stands out the most to him?the way the sky looks as if it could swallow him whole.he’s never been a pessimist, but he has to admit that the sight of the universe and all its emptiness pulls on the lonely pieces of him.stars are innately hopeful symbols meant to inspire, but stars also act as a cruel reminder that there is indeed darkness out there. a darkness incomprehensible to humans. a darkness waiting to envelop the world in its shadows.he tries to focus on the stars and moon again, but the black of the night sky never leaves. it’s always there. always.“it’s dark.” jeongguk finally says. “overwhelmingly so.”he looks over at yoongi. the other’s head is also tilted upward, but his eyes are closed.“i feel small.” jeongguk finds himself being the most honest he’s been in a long time. “that’s what stands out the most, the feeling that the darkness that’s out there, the nothing that’s out there, is infinitely greater than me.”they sit in silence.that’s another thing jeongguk notices, yoongi’s long pauses as he pieces jeongguk’s words together, as he pieces jeongguk together.“you aren’t who i thought you’d be.” yoongi eventually says.“is that good?”yoongi avoids the question. “you seem sad.”another silence.”it’s not a ‘having an off day’ sad either. ever since i first met you i could tell something’s been bothering you.”“the first time we met was when i told you to stop smoking.” jeongguk replies, unable to draw how yoongi could come to such a conclusion during that small exchange.“the first time we met was back when it rained and you showed up out of nowhere.”yoongi’s words sink into jeongguk like lead. the repressed memory of an umbrella and a boy’s blunt words suddenly come to the front of his mind. that boy couldn’t have been yoongi, right? jeongguk would’ve remembered him.but the more he tries to visualize the face of the boy that had been there, the more jeongguk realizes that he never truly registered the other’s appearance.“that was you?”“you sound surprised.” yoongi responds. he picks up the black cane jeongguk had almost forgotten about.
the cane.
of course that boy was yoongi. everything begins to connect. the way the boy had warned taehyung about the rain. the way he was surprised when taehyung greeted jeongguk. the way he hadn't looked at jeongguk directly."do you remember what you said to me that day?" jeongguk can’t help but ask.yoongi frowns. jeongguk almost regrets mentioning it, but it starts replaying in his head like a mantra. something he can't seem to repress. this kid's wasting my fucking time. yoongi reaches up for a moment, but then drops his hand back down. it’s as if he wants to rest his hand on top of jeongguk’s, like the night of the fire, but quickly decides against it."i didn't like you back then.""you didn't know me." jeongguk finds himself defending.yoongi ignores this, "do you sing?"this catches jeongguk off guard. he feels his heart start to race. "why are you changing topics?"yoongi falters for a moment. "i'm not. i just...do you sing?""not professionally." jeongguk says a little too quickly because there's no way yoongi could know. there's no way yoongi could pick up on that small secret he's had buried ever since high school. there's no way yoongi could know that he had wanted to be singer at one point in his life. had attended every school production he could with stars in his eyes watching musicals, plays, anything.jeongguk never pursued that dream though. it's hard to sing when your lungs are filled with fire.he stopped dreaming after that, you know. he quietly fell into a world of following the systematic way of things because it felt like the right thing to do."you just have a unique voice. thought you must've been a singer.""that doesn't explain why you didn't like me." jeongguk tries to steer the conversation away from his faded dream.“i was going to get there.” yoongi clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "i don't know how to explain this." he runs his hand through his hair. "everyone in the world releases different frequencies into the physical world. one of the most decipherable is sound. a less decipherable one is the heat people radiate.""like an aura?""sure." yoongi lip twists up. "anyway. i'm hypersensitive to certain frequencies. that's why i can tell if it's going to rain. when i first heard you talk to taehyung your voice set me off.""oh i'm...sorry. i didn't know. does it still set you-""it's not a bad thing." yoongi says quickly. quieter. a little embarrassed. "it just makes me feel a certain way.""how does it make you feel?""warm."△at first it’s hard to learn about yoongi, but slowly, like a rose blooming at the end of spring, yoongi opens up.they’re sitting on the sidewalk of a street corner jeongguk can’t name.jeongguk doesn’t know when it stops being going to the convenience store or visiting the park or trying to find shops open past 11. he doesn’t know when it stops being that and starts being something more.jeongguk doesn’t know much about relationships and how they go from being one thing to another.he doesn’t know much about change, but he somehow finds himself sitting next to a boy late at night with his hand in his own.yoongi’s hands are pale.“what are the scars from?” jeongguk runs his thumb over the blemished skin decorating the other’s fingers.yoongi chews on his bottom lip as he lets jeongguk freely inspect the marks. “they’re burns.”yoongi has pretty hands. nimble and long. a little bony around the knuckles. “how’d you get burned?”“i’ve always had a fixation with fire.”somewhere in the back of his mind, jeongguk remembers the rumor he heard about the dark haired boy in front of him. remembers the warning namjoon gave him weeks ago.“fire has this warmth that’s naturally comforting until you touch it.”the scars aren’t severe. they’re little white marks decorating pale skin like a messy oil painting.“i played with it too much. should’ve learned better.”jeongguk’s hand falls from the other’s, but yoongi immediately reaches out to hold back onto him.jeongguk knows that it doesn’t really mean anything, the hand holding, the feather light touches.yoongi’s blind, naturally likes to touch things. likes to feel them and their warmth.it shouldn’t mean anything.“your hands are cold.” jeongguk whispers.yoongi turns his head away from jeongguk as if he doesn’t want jeongguk to see him. “it’s why i like the warmth.” if jeongguk could see yoongi’s face he would notice a blush. “i’ve never really gotten over my fire fixation. i just look for it in other things.”△sometimes when they meet, their exchanges don’t mean much. sometimes they’re short, insignificant, unimportant.sometimes it’s just a greeting and a cherry being passed from jeongguk’s cardboard box to yoongi’s cold fingers as they leave the warm safety of his pockets.sometimes it’s a “jeongguk-ah, you shouldn’t be out this late” followed by a “why haven’t you gone home hyung?” followed by a “i think better at night.”sometimes it’s just a fingertip on the inside of a forearm. a quiet “can i touch you?” and a “yes. of course.”sometimes it’s just the light graze of yoongi’s thumb on top of jeongguk’s, an innocent brush, an unsure hand reaching out.another thing he quickly learns is yoongi’s inclination to touch him. the other had said it brought him comfort a few nights ago. said there was something about jeongguk that was undeniably warm.of course, yoongi always asks before reaching for the other. always makes sure it’s okay with jeongguk. always makes sure jeongguk’s comfortable.sometimes their exchanges are small, but nonetheless, when jeongguk sits alone in his bed, he tucks all of them safely into his memory. replays them like old films that always catch on the small details. the ones that play a quiet static over the silence and cut out right before his eyes flutter shut.△sometimes their exchanges are small, but sometimes they’re so much more.sometimes yoongi will press his fingertips into jeongguk’s skin like morse code and ask him questions because yoongi just wants to know him.there’s a heavy feeling in the air tonight. jeongguk’s silently recounting his day to himself when yoongi, with his voice like rose petals, asks him the question he’s tried to avoid for days.the question hadn’t come up again after the night of the fire, but it’s always been on the tip of yoongi’s tongue.“why were you crying that night at the convenience store?”jeongguk’s fingers stop tapping on the fabric of yoongi’s jacket. he tries to push the fire burning in his lungs down. “it’s dumb.”the other pauses as if he’s considering whether he wants to press further. “i find that hard to believe.”“it was nothing.” jeongguk says quickly. he wants yoongi to drop the topic. wants yoongi to view him as something lovely. happy. free. he doesn’t want yoongi to know just how pathetic he is.“stop belittling how you feel.”“you don’t know me.” there’s an edge to jeongguk’s voice. like a dull knife.jeongguk isn’t exactly lying. sure, they’ve met with each other almost every night for the past few weeks, but jeongguk’s never truly given yoongi any details about himself beyond obscurities like how he got a 93 on his history paper. like how he’s been forgetting to go to namjoon’s open mics. like how the night sky makes him feel small.despite withholding details about himself, there’s a way yoongi speaks to him that makes him feel transparent, as if yoongi can see right through him.“i know enough.” yoongi eventually replies.“what’s that supposed to mean?”“i know enough to know that something’s bothering you, and i’m not talking about a minor inconvenience that comes up once on a blue moon. i’m talking about something you’ve been trying to bury for a long time. something you’ve told yourself doesn’t bother you anymore, but it does. i know it does.”“how can you be so sure?”“i have a feeling.”“how can you trust a feeling?”“i’m blind.” yoongi’s voice is gentle. "how can i not?”yoongi isn’t directly facing jeongguk, but he can still see the way the streetlights reflect in the other’s pale irises.yoongi’s blind.it’s a fact.yoongi’s blind, so why can he see jeongguk? why can he see him for who he truly is?he gives in because it’s yoongi, and yoongi has an obsession with fire and feels it burning beneath jeongguk’s skin. he gives in because he can no longer find a reason not to.“i have to do a project for my world literature class.” and it isn’t the whole story, but it’s a start. “i was upset the night of the fire because a boy had said something offhandedly, and i just...don’t know how to take things lightly.” jeongguk’s mouth hangs open as if he has more to add, but he can’t bring himself to say more. can’t bring himself to go deeper into it.yoongi turns the words over in his head thoughtfully.“what’s your project about?” and jeongguk hates to admit it, but he’s so. so. so. relieved yoongi doesn’t press.“frankenstein.”yoongi’s lip quirks up. his index finger is still tracing slow circles on jeongguk’s forearm. “frankenstein is considered the modern story of prometheus. did you know that?”jeongguk shakes his head despite yoongi not being able to see. “i haven’t really looked in on it yet.”yoongi leans closer to him, as if he's about to rest his chin on jeongguk’s shoulder but then decides against it. “i don’t know much about frankenstein besides it being about a man bringing life to a monster, but i can tell you about prometheus.”jeongguk stares at yoongi. he realizes he does this a lot. stares shamelessly. stares because he won’t get caught, but also because yoongi’s features are soft when he’s like this.when he talks his lips curve over every word, and his eyelashes cast shadows over his pale eyes.“prometheus is a condemned deity to most people, chained to a rock in caucasus for going against zeus. he’s a villain in the gods’ eyes.” yoongi begins. “i suppose the gods had good reason to hate him. prometheus loved humanity more than he loved the olympians.he saw pain and suffering in mankind. he saw mortals who lived their lives holding onto every fleeting second they could. he saw them pour their souls into everything because they didn’t know how else to live with the little time they had.he watched them live miserably in the cold darkness of their world.he watched them die over and over again because they had no source of light, no source of heat, no source of warmth.one day prometheus stole fire from mount olympus and brought it to them, a true hero in humanity’s eyes.he gave humanity the gift of fire marking the beginning of an era of light and creation.he was caught, of course, but he knew he’d be caught.the gods were furious. fire gave mankind power, a power that could one day oppose the ancient deities.they chained him to a rock and sent an eagle to eat away his insides every day.humanity lived on though. continued to prosper with this gift of fire. were given the opportunity to live lives of happiness in a once cold, dark world.prometheus sacrificed himself to a life of eternal punishment in exchange for our salvation.”yoongi’s voice drops to a whisper as he ends his narration.jeongguk replays the story in his head with a frown on his face.
prometheus saved mankind but couldn’t save himself.
he finds it ironic at first, unbelievably so, and it might be first impression naivety, but jeongguk can’t help but shudder. he feels traces of the flames that never truly die bubble up inside of him.if prometheus brought fire to save humanity, why is it killing him more and more with every passing second?△a few days later, jeongguk properly responds to the story. it’s off topic when he brings it up to yoongi.“do you consider prometheus a hero?” he asks.yoongi stops drawing lines into jeongguk’s palm. “i do.”“why?”“he tried to save people who weren’t worth saving. humans are mere mortals to the gods, but he looked past that and saw pieces of himself in their small collections of sadness and suffering. he helped them not because he felt inclined to but because he wanted to.”“a world with fire is a world of destruction and pain.” jeongguk’s words are awfully quiet.yoongi hears him anyway, laces his fingers with jeongguk’s. “a world without fire is far worse.”△jeongguk begins to notice the way yoongi visibly relaxes once his hands find jeongguk’s skin, whether it’s resting a finger on his forearm or the inner part of his elbow.jeongguk begins to notice a lot of things. how yoongi never misses one of their meetings. how he never asks how jeongguk is because he always seems to just know. how he never dances around his words when he speaks.that’s perhaps what jeongguk likes most about the other, his straightforwardness, his will to tell jeongguk exactly what he thinks of him.the things yoongi says about him may be insignificant at times, but jeongguk still saves a pile of every single one of them in the back of his mind, a playlist of quotes that sometimes distract him from the fire beneath his skin.“you have a way about you that i can’t name. it’s a quietly soft existence, but it’s also more than that.”“when it’s cold i’ve begun thinking about you.”“you remind me of stepping into the ocean with bare feet.”“you remind me of the underside of poinsettias during the holidays.”“you remind me of how lemonade tastes.”“i worry about you sometimes.”“i know there’s something you’ve been holding back from telling me, and that’s okay.”“i just worry.”“i like you, you know. people do like you jeongguk.”“you deserve to be liked.”“you deserve to be liked.”“you deserve to be liked.”and then once, “you deserve to be loved.”jeongguk holds that one the closest to his heart.△yoongi never gives up on trying to get to know jeongguk during their late night conversations.jeongguk tries not to interpret the interest as anything it’s not. tries not to interpret the touches as anything more than yoongi reassuring himself that jeongguk’s there.because it’s yoongi, and yoongi only knows him as the kid who buys fruit from the convenience store at 11 pm every night. despite their constant exchanges, jeongguk has yet to let yoongi know him as someone beyond this.it’s cold tonight. the temperature’s slowly decreasing with the approach of winter.they’re walking down a sidewalk eating blueberries when yoongi asks. "so who really are you jeongguk?"it’s direct, and jeongguk looks down at his hands. he always looks down."i'm not asking to fill the silence." yoongi continues when he notices jeongguk's hesitation. "i genuinely want to know.""why?" jeongguk mutters quietly. he doesn't know what's stopping him. he doesn't know why he always holds back a little. it's pointless because he always eventually falls into jumbles of words that aren't pretty, into sentences that are pushed too close together, into confessions that feel like fractured pieces of charcoal staining his throat black.because if you can get past his first instinctual seconds of hesitancy, you'll find that jeongguk really doesn't hide anything. ask him how he's feeling once and he'll bite back his words. ask him how he's feeling twice and he'll let his bones break over everything he's been holding back."why do care so much?"yoongi purses his lips at this. his eyes may be vacant, but when jeongguk looks at him he sees something beyond this surface appearance that just feels so complete. full. everything jeongguk's ever wanted to be."i care because you aren't the person i thought you were back when i first met you." yoongi says these words levelly.they’ve stopped walking.yoongi reaches his hand over to rest on jeongguk's wrist. yoongi may not be able to see, but he always manages to find jeongguk."perhaps i should ask you an easier question." yoongi laughs quietly to himself, but the question is proposed a little tightly. a little bitterly. "who do you want to be?"jeongguk tries to smile to himself. it's a sad sight. "i want to be someone who doesn't care about all of this." his mother’s words replay in his head. stop trying so hard. stop caring so much. "it's easy to not care." yoongi’s words are gentle. soft. sad. a little sad."i don't believe that."yoongi pulls away slightly. "i feel like we live tangent lives, but one of us is upside down.""why's that?""because you're everything i want to be, yet you seem to hate absolutely everything about yourself.""i don't hate myself.” jeongguk protests. “i'm just not happy with who i am.""well i'm not happy with who you want to be." yoongi's fingertips run up jeongguk's arm. "keep caring about things. someone on this planet has to."△it’s the next night that jeongguk cracks.he doesn’t mean to. yoongi just makes it so easy to talk. yoongi with his gentle words and gentle touch. yoongi who always knows exactly how jeongguk’s feeling and exactly what to say.jeongguk really can’t help it when he blurts “i’m burning” into the silence that had comfortably grown between them.“what?”“i feel like i’m burning. all the time.”the magnitude of the confession weighs on jeongguk. oh god he immediately thinks. he really is burning. he really is. saying it outloud makes it real. saying it outloud makes it his reality. he’s burning. he’s burning.yoongi’s face softens when he realizes the gravity of jeongguk’s words.“you said the other day that you knew something’s been bothering me for a long time.”yoongi nods his head.“i feel like-” he cuts himself off. reevaluates his words. tries again. tries harder. “i feel like there’s a fire burning up inside of me. most times i can ignore it, act like it’s not there, but sometimes, when things get particularly bad, i feel like i could die. i feel like i should die. how do you extinguish a fire that’s in your veins? i’ll talk to people, because that’s what you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed to be able to make conversation without feeling like you might physically collapse. i’ll talk to people and have to dig my fingers into my skin to try and relieve the burning, but it never goes away.”jeongguk doesn’t feel any lighter once the words leave his mouth. the fire doesn’t begin to subside. nothing really changes.except that isn’t true, because now yoongi’s reaching for jeongguk in the dark. yoongi’s asking “can i touch you? can i please touch you?” like he always does.and jeongguk’s mumbling. “yes. please. i’m…”and then yoongi’s hand is brushing jeongguk’s cheek, and he’s enveloped in yoongi. yoongi. yoongi.nothing really changes, except for the fact that everything’s moved to a different light because yoongi knows and yoongi understands and jeongguk’s not alone. “i’m sorry. saying so doesn’t do much, but i’m sorry you’re haunted by an unavoidable pain.” yoongi swallows. “i can’t say i know how you feel, but if it helps at all, you aren’t the only one with a bad relationship with fire.”yoongi’s hand is still on jeongguk’s face. his eyes are vacant, but that doesn’t stop the sincerity from painting itself across his features.“i hope you don’t blame it on yourself.”jeongguk backs away from yoongi’s touch.yoongi’s expression softens even more.“you’re a good person jeongguk.” he says while letting his hand fall down to rest on jeongguk’s arm. “you shouldn’t be upset with yourself.”“if it’s not me, who should i be upset with?” jeongguk asks.“the world. society. the systematic machine.”jeongguk shakes his head. “i can’t blame the world for my own problems.”yoongi clicks his tongue. “you’re a good person.” he repeats.“i’d be better off as ash.” jeongguk mutters.yoongi’s grip tightens on his wrist because that...that he can’t overlook. can’t let it slide. can’t let jeongguk tell himself something so demeaning.he turns his body to properly hold jeongguk’s hand in his own.“i set the fire at the convenience store. i set the one at the library too.” yoongi says. “both times i just wanted to burn. i just wanted to see society and its glorified ignorance burn. i didn’t care if it was the buildings burning or me burning. i’m technically part of society, so if i died as collateral it wouldn’t matter. that’s what i told myself. i just wanted to witness everything being devoured by flames. i didn’t care if it was me. i told myself the only reason i’d stop is if someone else stopped me.” there’s a look on yoongi’s face that jeongguk can’t quite place, one that’s somewhere between wanting to run away and wanting to stay. “both times someone did.”jeongguk doesn’t overlook the confession’s implication because jeongguk had been there for both of the fires. jeongguk had been the one to draw yoongi from the flames.jeongguk had seen the fire reflect in yoongi’s sightless eyes at the library, and he had seen it tower over yoongi’s small figure at the convenience store.jeongguk had seen the way yoongi faced the thundering explosions and vicious flames with a blase expression. he had seen the other’s fingers dance across the bookshelves. had seen the other indifferently stand against the fire ridden convenience store.“don’t say something like that about yourself again.” yoongi says. his voice is deeper than it usually is. rougher. more severe. “you mean more to this ugly fucking world than you think.”it makes jeongguk’s heart stop. he stares at yoongi for a long time. yoongi holds onto his hand for a long time too.yoongi doesn’t look angry. he looks conflicted.eventually he ducks his head away before standing up to leave.jeongguk feels a million words forming in his throat. thank you. i don’t know why you care so much, but it’s making my heart sink. in a good way. it’s a good feeling. i don’t know how to explain this. i just...feel so much right now. i don’t know what you want from me, but i’m so grateful you’re here. thank you. thank you. but the other’s gone before he can find the right words.jeongguk sits on the sidewalk for a few more minutes. he thinks about yoongi and all of the things the other’s said. he thinks about the way yoongi sees him, really sees him. he thinks about how yoongi sees the world.yoongi’s blind, but he looks at the world like it’s burning.for a fleeting moment jeongguk tells himself he wouldn’t mind being part of that world. wonders if he’d fit right in.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

jeongguk doesn’t realize how much time he’s been spending with yoongi, hidden away in night’s own universe, until namjoon brings it up to him one day.“you haven’t been to one of my open mics in a while.”jeongguk’s eyes widen as namjoon sits across from him at the library.he’s vaguely aware that he’s missed several. it had crossed his mind once or twice, but he always told himself he’d just go to the next one.“i’m sorry.” jeongguk feels the guilt rise in his chest. he didn’t mean to miss the open mics. he didn’t mean to disappoint the other. he should’ve gone to the one last friday. he didn’t have to go see yoongi that night. all they did was sit on the sidewalk and eat strawberries.“it’s no big deal.” namjoon says once he notices jeongguk’s distress.the words are meant to reassure him that namjoon isn’t upset, and jeongguk visibly relaxes. he doesn’t know why he immediately assumed that the other would be upset. he doesn’t know why he worked himself up in a matter of seconds over something so small.yoongi’s keep caring about things plays somewhere in the back of his mind. someone on this planet has to. it whispers from the pile of quotes he’s collected from their midnight conversations.it overlaps his mother’s stop caring. jeongguk doesn’t know what to make of that.“i was just wondering what you’ve been up to.” namjoon says into the silence.“i haven’t been ignoring you, hyung. i’ve just been seeing someone?” his voice tilts up at the end as if he isn’t sure of his words.namjoon instantly smiles. “i’m glad to hear that. i hope they treat you well.”and oh. that sounds…that sounds awfully like namjoon’s impling that he’s seeing seeing someone.he and yoongi aren’t like that. he hadn’t meant it like that.jeongguk wants to hide his face behind his hands.“you should introduce me sometime.”jeongguk looks away. he immediately regrets telling namjoon.it was namjoon who told him to avoid yoongi. how would he feel if he knew jeongguk didn’t listen to him? how would he feel if he knew his warning only heightened jeongguk’s interest in the pale eyed boy?jeongguk looks back up, and namjoon’s face expresses a genuine sort of care that makes jeongguk panic. makes the fire beneath his skin start to scorch his veins.“i can introduce you.” jeongguk replies. his voice isn’t as shaky as it feels.he’s perfected this art of appearing normal whilst the fire storms around inside him. he’s just never had to do this with namjoon.△that night jeongguk sits next to yoongi.they’re whispering nonsense to each other.yoongi’s fingers are pressing down on jeongguk’s palm, and he’s laughing.yoongi’s eyes crinkle when he laughs. jeongguk doesn't see it often, but it always makes him want to pause time. makes him want to freeze yoongi in his happiness.he can’t stop time though, and so he simply tries to keep eliciting the lazy smiles and small bursts of laughter.“seriously hyung.” jeongguk grins. “what do you think naruto sunbaenim looks like?”“i don’t really think about what things look like jeongguk-ah. i’m blind. ”“but still hyung, you must think about it. what do you think you look like?”yoongi tries to compose himself, but his eyes still crinkle behind his indifferent facade. “i’ve been told i have soft features and sharp eyes. whatever the fuck that means.”jeongguk smiles bright. bright. bright. “you do though, hyung. whoever told you that is right.”“i bet you’re ugly.” yoongi deadpans, but there’s a smile on his face.“you tell me.” jeongguk takes yoongi’s hand and presses it against his face. “do i feel ugly to you?”“you already know how you make me feel.”“i don’t.” jeongguk laughs. “is this what ugly feels like.” he moves yoongi’s hand to trace from his cheek to the bridge of his nose down to the soft pillow of his bottom lip.jeongguk can’t help but smile. he’s beaming. he’s absolutely glowing in the dark shadows of midnight.yoongi runs his finger over jeongguk’s lip and then flicks him.“hyung.” jeongguk whines.yoongi stifles a laugh. “stop being annoying.”“stop being mean.”“stop being ugly.”jeongguk feels a warmth in his chest, a different warmth from the usual fire.it’s a good warmth.it’s good.△a few days later jeongguk suggests they go to an open mic. he doesn’t tell yoongi it’s so namjoon can meet him.“i haven’t been to one lately.” yoongi says as he’s tugged into the crowded coffee shop.“i have a friend that reads poems.” jeongguk replies. his hand is holding onto yoongi’s tight, white knuckle tight.yoongi’s thumb brushes over the top of jeongguk’s fingers. “are you good? you seem anxious.”“there’s a lot of people here.”yoongi steps back from being pressed behind jeongguk, not wanting to crowd the other. “let’s find a place to sit.”it’s busy, really busy. jeongguk inhales and then exhales slowly. he was told to start to doing that back in highschool.it doesn’t help that much, but the weight of yoongi’s hand secures him.he looks around the crowded room.“there’s an open bench up against the wall.” jeongguk leans in so the other can hear him.“lead the way.”jeongguk holds onto the other’s hand as they maneuver their way through the mass of people.once they sit, yoongi runs his hand over the wooden bench. he leans back but stops when he feels the frame of something familiar against his back.“are we sitting at a piano?”“yeah.” jeongguk replies. he turns to the piano behind them. they’re squished up against each other on the small bench.yoongi turns too, and he runs his forefinger over the keys. there’s a confidence in how he touches the keys that makes it look natural, as if yoongi belongs there.he begins to play, and it completely catches jeongguk off guard.“you can play piano?”“since i was a kid.” his fingers move with graceful ease. yoongi’s shoulders slouch as he plays, but the way he holds himself is effortlessly poised.jeongguk’s easily enchanted.he watches the other’s fingers move. is fixated.yoongi’s blind, but he plays piano like he’s played for a century. his fingers don’t hesitate as they dance across the keys in a soft melody. it sounds like birds chirping on a tuesday morning. it sounds like cherry blossoms falling down when the wind blows.conversations get cut short as people subtly turn toward them. they stare at yoongi’s bowed head as he plays.“he’s not looking at the keys.” jeongguk hears someone whisper, and he wants to reply he’s not looking at anything at all. jeongguk moves his stare from yoongi’s fingers to his face.he frowns.from the crowd’s angle they must not be able to see yoongi’s expression. they must not be able to see the way he grimaces as he plays. the way his eyebrows are knit together as if it pains him to press his fingers to the keys.the music he’s playing is beautiful, like muted sunlight, like pale yellow and gold tattooed onto skin, but his expression is cold. lost. hurt.“it’s okay to stop.” jeongguk whispers to the other.yoongi’s hand freezes, and jeongguk rests his own hand on top of it.“are you alright?”“yeah.” yoongi replies. “you just seemed upset. i thought playing would help. music usually helps people.” he pauses. “sorry if it didn’t.”“it did help.” jeongguk insists. “it just looked like it was hurting you.”yoongi doesn’t respond immediately.jeongguk glances back toward the crowd. nobody’s watching them anymore.“it’s complicated.” yoongi eventually says.“i really liked it.”they sit like that for a few moments, jeongguk’s hand resting on top of yoongi’s scarred one.jeongguk’s on the verge of saying something. he’s not sure what it is, but he feels like something’s weighing down on his chest. he feels like he has to tell yoongi something. feels like he needs to tell the other that it’s okay. that the song made him happy.but then the open mic’s starting and yoongi’s turning away from the piano to listen.jeongguk turns his body too.namjoon reads second to last this time.he introduces his poem as something he wrote while travelling.jeongguk doesn’t realize his head’s resting on yoongi’s shoulder until yoongi brushes his fingers through his hair.namjoon reads his poem like a lullaby. the poem’s about missing something, it’s about longing for something with all your heart.jeongguk closes his eyes during the last stanza.“life is a word that sometimes you cannot say,and ash is a thing that someday we all should be.when tomorrow comeshow different is it going to be?why do love and hate sound just the same to me?”the lines stir something inside of jeongguk’s heart. it’s a sad poem. it makes him sad.but it also makes him wonder.is namjoon right? are love and hate truly the same?they don’t feel the same.love and hate are both fueled by passion, so it’s argued that they’re equivalent.some philosophers claim that they are.jeongguk can’t help but disagree because he knows emotions are more dimensional than that. he knows the fires from both ends of the spectrum. he knows what the two feel like, and they don’t feel the same.it’s the difference between the suffocating invasive warmth he feels on the bad days. the days he struggles with simply picking his feet up off of the ground. the days the fire fills his lungs with smoke he can’t speak through. it’s the difference between that and the blossoming warmth he feels when he can’t hold back a smile. when he’s laughing freely into the night. when he’s with…yoongi turns to jeongguk. “was that your friend?”“yeah.” jeongguk breathes.after the last person finishes reading, jeongguk nervously pulls yoongi across the room.“he wants to meet you.” jeongguk tries to explain as they approach.yoongi doesn’t have time to respond before namjoon’s greeting them.“jeongguk.” he smiles. “how are you?”“i’m doing good.” he stumbles over his words. “you did really well.”yoongi squeezes his hand, and namjoon’s eyes trace the movement.“this is-”“min yoongi.” yoongi cuts him off with a small smile. “jeongguk’s told me about you.” he raises his hand to shake namjoon’s.namjoon hesitates. “min yoongi.” he repeats to himself.jeongguk feels yoongi stiffen at the other’s tone.“i’ve heard a lot about you.” namjoon’s voice isn’t patronizing, but it isn’t friendly either.the mood drastically changes, and yoongi lets go of jeongguk’s hand.“i didn’t know you were blind.” namjoon adds after a few moments. “i didn’t know you could play piano either.”“it’s a private thing.” yoongi replies.“how’d you learn?”“parents taught me.” his words have an edge to them, not yet threatening but there nonetheless.namjoon’s studying yoongi. looking for flaws. genuinity. “tell me about your parents.”yoongi’s jaw sets once he realizes the intent of namjoon’s question. “is that relevant?”“i just want to know what kind of person you are.”jeongguk realizes something’s wrong. something’s terribly wrong.there’s a slight aggression in namjoon’s words, as if he wants yoongi to confess something.jeongguk remembers what namjoon had told him back at the police station. about how he should avoid yoongi. about how yoongi’s parents died in a...“they aren’t around anymore.” yoongi’s face is chillingly neutral.jeongguk had dismissed the rumor, failed to acknowledge its existence, but now yoongi’s mouth is pressed into a thin line as namjoon stares at him.jeongguk should’ve lied to namjoon about seeing someone. he shouldn’t have brought yoongi here. he shouldn’t have forced yoongi into this position.the spark in jeongguk’s lungs buries itself deep in his bones and then ignites.how could he be so stupid? how could he be so insensitive?he knew there’d be conflict. he knew yoongi would end up in a situation like this, but he still dragged the other here.why can’t he just be a good person? why can’t he be good? oh god. yoongi must hate him. yoongi must really hate him right now. yoongi who never presses on jeongguk. yoongi who always gives jeongguk his space. yoongi who always asks before touching him.yoongi who thinks the world is a cold place. yoongi who desperately holds onto heat. desperately holds onto him.yoongi who had played the piano with a tormented face. played because he thought it’d help jeongguk.yoongi who told jeongguk the story of prometheus like it was a whispered secret just for them.yoongi who confessed his desire to burn. to watch the world collapse in ash.yoongi who told jeongguk he meant something to the world. that he should continue to care.jeongguk feels overwhelmed with the fiery sensation digging into his ribs.“we should go.” he pulls on yoongi’s hand. “can we go?”yoongi doesn’t move, and namjoon continues to stare at the pale eyed boy.jeongguk’s heart stops with dread. he wants to run away. wants to face this a different day.yoongi doesn’t move though. he seems to be calculating the situation. “i don’t do relationships.” he finally says. his words are cold. pointed. “so you don’t have to worry about me not being good enough for him.”there’s a startled look on namjoon’s face, as if he didn’t think yoongi would be able to see his intent, as if he didn’t think yoongi would be able to see him.“i’m just looking out for him.”“he can look out for himself.” yoongi immediately counters.they’re talking about jeongguk as if he isn’t there. it makes him feel unbelievably small. he pulls on yoongi’s hand again. “can we go?”yoongi shakes him off. “i’ll go.” he picks up his black cane. “you should stay here with your friends. i’ll see you later.”jeongguk holds his breath. it’s common slang. i’ll see you later. it shouldn’t make jeongguk feel like his throat is on fire.“will you be at the convenience store?” jeongguk asks. his voice is unsteady.yoongi doesn’t reply.△yoongi had told him to stay at the coffee shop, but it feels like he’s suffocating, like the walls are going to cave in if he stays.jeongguk stands in front of namjoon for a long time. staring at his feet. mouth closed shut.“jeongguk…” namjoon begins.he interrupts the other before namjoon can continue. somehow he finds himself pleading, “please don’t hate him. i’m sorry. please don’t hate him.”yoongi had told him to stay at the coffee shop, but jeongguk just wants to run.“guk, it’s okay.” namjoon tries to calm him down. “i don’t hate him. i’m the one who should be sorry. i shouldn’t have come off so strong.”namjoon tilts jeongguk’s chin up to make eye contact. he looks worried.“you don’t have to be upset.” he says.jeongguk hates that he gets like this. he hates that he panics so easily and then falls into a mess of words and stuttersbecause jeongguk doesn’t know how to take things lightly. he doesn’t know how to not feel every single thing with his entire heart.“do you want to go after him?” namjoon asks. “you do know you can go.”jeongguk doesn’t realize he was waiting for some sort of permission.yoongi had told him to stay, but now namjoon’s telling him to go.jeongguk lets the door slam behind him when he leaves.△he nearly trips over his feet when he sees yoongi at the convenience store. jeongguk sits down quickly, and the other greets him with a smile.“hey hyung.”“did you run?” yoongi asks.“wanted to see you.” the moment jeongguk had left the coffee shop his mind had begun to clear. “i’m sorry about what happened at the open mic.”“you don’t have to apologize.” yoongi’s dark hair falls over his eyes when he tilts his head. “i understand where namjoon was coming from.”“what do you mean?”“he just wanted to see if i was a bad person. he wanted to know if i was who he thought i was.”“you aren’t though, hyung. i talked to namjoon after you left. he said he shouldn’t have come off so strong.”yoongi contemplates this.“i’m sorry.” jeongguk can’t help but repeat.“no need.” yoongi replies. “it’s the past now anyway.”a small part of jeongguk didn’t think yoongi would wait for him at the convenience store. a small part of him feared that the other had had enough of him for the night. feared the other would simply go home and leave jeongguk to overanalyze every word, every syllable, every breath.but yoongi didn’t. yoongi went to the convenience store and waited for him.jeongguk’s relieved that things haven’t changed. he thought yoongi would be upset. thought yoongi would push him away.yoongi raises his hand above jeongguk’s. holding it up in the dim light of the convenience store. asking for permission.jeongguk reaches up and latches their hands together.“i want to hear you play piano again.” he thinks back to the open mic and the song yoongi had played. “i wish there was a piano here.”“i have a piano at my apartment.” yoongi hesitates for a moment. “we could go there if you’d like.”jeongguk didn’t expect that from the other. didn’t expect a response like that. an offer like that. he smiles. “i’d love to.”△yoongi’s apartment doesn’t suprise jeongguk. it looks just like his own.empty.the walls are bare of anything. no pieces of art. no families photos. no hooks to hang up clothes. nothing.“why’s there a wire hanging from your ceiling?” he asks.“the fire alarm’s broken.”jeongguk nods his head.there’s a table at one corner of the room and then a piano.“let me just put my jacket away.” yoongi says. he opens a door and gestures for jeongguk to follow.inside there’s a bed pushed up against the wall and a dresser.yoongi throws his jacket on the bed.“how do you keep everything so organized?” jeongguk asks.“my neighbor helps me sometimes.”he leads jeongguk back to the piano.when they sit down, jeongguk notices black burn marks along the piano’s brown wood.“this piano’s from my old house.” yoongi explains. his hands brush over the keys. “i used to play everyday as a kid.”jeongguk’s eyes fixate on the burn marks.he can’t stop namjoon’s warning as it begins to replay in his mind. he can’t stop the memory from demanding his attention. when he was 9 he killed his family in a fire. when he was 9 he killed his family in a fire. jeongguk doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want to even consider it, but yoongi’s figure slouches over the keys. his fingers trace them but never press down. his face is pained. pained in a way jeongguk doesn’t understand.there’s a sorrow in yoongi’s heart. jeongguk can feel it, and he wonders if this is what yoongi feels when he sees through jeongguk.there’s a sorrow within yoongi, one that the piano only seems to make worse.it’s old. the piano looks like it could collapse at any moment. looks like an artifact. like it had been salvaged. like it had been set on fire and barely survived.“those rumors aren’t true, right?” jeongguk whispers.yoongi doesn’t say anything. instead of replying, his fingers begin to play. they begin to gracefully travel along the edges of the keys.jeongguk does the only thing he knows how. he sits and he listens.he watches yoongi’s scarred fingers elegantly press down. down. down.jeongguk’s heard piano music before, but he hasn’t heard piano music like this.it’s like when yoongi had played in the coffee shop.the melody doesn’t sound like music. it sounds like something more. it sounds like a story, like a conversation, like the piano’s saying what yoongi can’t.jeongguk closes his eyes. tries to focus on what yoongi’s expressing. tries to decipher how the music makes him feel.it’s complicated. that’s the only way jeongguk can explain it.that’s what yoongi had said when jeongguk first asked about the piano. it’s complicated. it is. there’s something bright about the chimes of the keys, but there’s something haunting about it too. the notes are vacant and hollow, but they’re also filled to the brim with something else. something lighter.it’s like all of yoongi’s emotions are colliding into one sentence. one note. it’s like he’s trying to push everything onto the piano. it’s like he’s desperately trying to free himself of everything he’s feeling, and the piano can hardly keep up.jeongguk opens his eyes and stares at yoongi’s face. the other doesn’t look upset, but he doesn’t look happy either.he looks achingly neutral. lips in a tight line. eyes focused on everything and nothing. it looks like a ritual more than anything, like something he doesn’t exactly find pleasure in, but something he feels obliged to do anyway.there’s a certain misery in the way yoongi plays. there’s something troublesome about it. like he has to pour everything onto the piano because the piano’s the only thing that’ll take it.jeongguk doesn’t know how long yoongi plays, but at one point the other’s fingers begin to shake, and jeongguk gently rests his hand on top of yoongi’s to get him to stop.jeongguk doesn’t get an explicit answer, but he gets enough. he knows enough about sorrow and loss and feeling alone to understand that there are things yoongi just doesn’t know how to say yet.△their 11 o’clock conversations change from being on the sidewalk of a convenience store to being in a small three room apartment, yoongi’s small three room apartment, a place he claims to be the closest thing he’ll get to home.at first jeongguk doesn't ask yoongi to play the piano when he visits. something about the other’s pained expression when he played held jeongguk back.but then yoongi’s asking if jeongguk wants him to play, and jeongguk’s mumbling something like “do you want to play?” “do you enjoy it?” “why does it look like it’s hurting you?”and yoongi’s brushing his fingers light. light. light. over jeongguk’s skin. yoongi’s replying. “it’s a good hurting.” “therapeutic even.” “more healing than hurting.”jeongguk will rest his head on yoongi’s shoulder and watch the other play songs that remind him of orange sunsets and thunderstorms.yoongi will ask jeongguk to tell him stories, and jeongguk will then whisper aged fairy tales to the other. stories from when he was young because jeongguk’s childhood is a safe topic. a happy topic. a topic yoongi learns the younger could talk about for hours.jeongguk will tell tales of a family that was once happy. a family that’d buy him ice cream every first of september. a family that’d go to the sea every summer because it was important to maintain traditionssometimes yoongi will ask him to sing, and jeongguk will blush, but he’ll always comply. will start to hum a song that’s been stuck in his head and then slowly let it develop into words. sometimes he’ll make songs up. will just let the melody take him where it wants.jeongguk will smile and feel enveloped with something warm. a feeling that makes him feel whole. a feeling that makes him feel complete.sometimes jeongguk will lay awake after their meetings and find himself breathing in a way he hasn’t in a long time. he’ll lay in the bed that’s always felt too big for him and stare up at the ceiling. he’ll lightly trace his fingers over his skin in intricate patterns. he’ll find himself simply feeling for the bruises over his ribs instead of subconsciously digging into them.△“hyung. i mentioned the story of prometheus to my group today.” jeongguk greets. yoongi doesn’t lock his apartment door. said there’s nothing to protect. said it’s better off unlocked so jeongguk doesn’t have to knock.“what’d they say?” yoongi appears from his bedroom door. he’s wearing all black.“they thought it was bittersweet.”yoongi nods. he mindlessly runs his hand over the table across from jeongguk. his fingers stop when they reach a pile of matches. there’s a certain look of discern on the other’s face as he picks one up and then drops it back down onto the table. jeongguk hadn’t noticed the matches.“what are those for?yoongi doesn’t immediately reply, but after a moment he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box of cigarettes. it’s unopened.“i thought you stopped smoking.” jeongguk says. it isn’t accusative. it’s asked lightly, like he’s walking on ice.“i did.” yoongi replies.jeongguk glances back to the matches momentarily before returning his attention back to the other.he decides to drop the topic. he walks to the piano and sits down instead. “play for me?”yoongi’s voice is deep. gentle. “yeah.”△sometimes yoongi will say things that worry jeongguk.“when i was nine i set this on fire. i almost burned it away.”they’re sitting at the piano. yoongi had stopped playing. had slammed his fingers onto the keys making jeongguk jump. had then pulled his hands into his lap as if he wanted nothing to do with the piano. had pushed himself away from jeongguk to the very edge of the bench.“sometimes i get into a certain mindset, a toxic headspace, and all i want to do is push myself as far as i can.” yoongi’s hands are shaking. “one time you told me you wish you didn’t care. i’m the opposite. i wish i did care.”jeongguk stares wide eyed at the other. his hand trembles when he rests it on yoongi’s shoulder. yoongi slouches under the touch.“when i set the library on fire i didn’t feel anything.” yoongi pauses. he darts his tongue out to wet his lips. “i wanted to care. i really did, but all i felt was this empty indifference. like it didn’t matter that the library was engulfed in flames. like it was better off as ash anyway. i wasn’t upset when they pulled me away. i wasn’t happy either.”jeongguk doesn’t know why yoongi’s telling him this. he doesn't know why the other’s spitting these words out like a warning.“when things get bad i develop this destructive tendency. i don’t care what’s being destroyed. i just want everything to burn. i push people away. i start lying. i get reckless. i tell myself it’s out of anger. i tell myself that i’m burning up a corrupt society, a corrupt institution, a corrupt world. it’s not true though.” yoongi inhales sharply. “i loved this piano with my entire heart.”“you were nine.” jeongguk’s voice cracks. breaks. trembles. because yoongi looks like he’s on the verge of tears, and jeongguk pathetically is too. “you were nine. you didn’t know better.”“nine then. twenty-three now.” yoongi mutters. “yet nothing’s fucking changed.”"i don’t believe that.”“you don’t know me.” yoongi replies weakly.jeongguk tightens his fingers around the other’s. “that’s a lie, and you know it.”△sometimes jeongguk will say things that worry yoongi.“namjoon read me a poem about love today, and it just made me feel sad, like someone had taken something from me.”they’re sitting across from each other on yoongi’s bed, something about it being an off day, something about not wanting to sit at the piano but also not wanting jeongguk to leave.yoongi’s playing with jeongguk’s fingers.“sometimes i feel like i’m missing something.” jeongguk confesses, opening up to the other has grown to become easier and easier. “namjoon made love seem so monumental, so essential. i guess it just made me realize how alone i am.”because jeongguk’s dreamed of falling in love, but he’s never been able to transform his dreams into reality. he fears he won’t be loved. fears that this emptiness, that this burning, is the only reality he’ll ever have. jeongguk’s a dreamer, but he’s also a bit hopeless. he believes love is out there, he just isn’t sure if there’s love out there for him.“jeongguk.” yoongi says. hearing his name roll off of the other’s tongue sends a shiver down his spine. “you do deserve to be loved. you know that, right?”jeongguk feels a certain warmth grow in his chest. it isn’t fire. it hasn’t been fire in awhile.“you aren’t alone either.” yoongi says carefully. “you’re so warm jeongguk, unbelievably so. when i touch you i feel so much more than just skin pulled over a frame. you’re more than just flesh and bone, and people do care about you. a lot.”jeongguk can’t help but pull his hand from yoongi’s to hide his face. it’s pointless, hiding. yoongi can’t see him. jeongguk just feels exposed, too out in the open, too vulnerable to yoongi’s honesty.yoongi trails after jeongguk’s hand and rests his palm on top of it. he slowly brings his other hand up too.jeongguk’s enveloped in this overwhelming warmth. he tries not to blush as the other touches his face, but yoongi has this look of admiration, this look of contentment. it makes jeongguk’s heart flutter.for the longest time he didn’t think love existed out there for him, but as jeongguk watches yoongi trace the curves of his face with the smallest of smiles, jeongguk’s mind can’t help but whisper maybe it does. △it’s inconvenient. sometimes yoongi will do something, and it will fill jeongguk with this ethereal happiness, this ethereal warmth.sometimes yoongi will play songs on the piano for jeongguk. he’ll mutter something about writing the melody with jeongguk in mind.it overwhelms jeongguk, how yoongi makes him feel so full. so whole. so complete.jeongguk doesn’t know what to do.he’s holding yoongi’s hand in the dim light of yoongi’s room.the careless part of jeongguk tells him that he loves the other, that the feeling inside of his chest is love, that the fire no longer burns as a reminder of his sadness, that it’s been replaced by a new emotion.but the reasonable part of jeongguk tells him to bury his love as far away as possible.yoongi doesn’t do relationships. the other had made it clear at the open mic.yoongi doesn’t do relationships, but jeongguk doesn’t have the courage to let go of the new warmth that’s settled in his heart.jeongguk stares down at yoongi’s scarred hands.he feels a strange urge to press his lips to the burns, like his mother had done whenever he injured himself, but he stops himself. it’s yoongi, and yoongi wouldn’t want him to. yoongi doesn’t need boys like jeongguk to try and kiss his pain away.jeongguk hasn’t been in love before, and he doesn’t know what do with all of it. all of his love.he tries to keep his love contained in the shadows, but it haphazardly spills out anyway. he draws shooting stars on yoongi’s hands in pen. he impulsively buys a collection of hooks to hang on yoongi’s barren walls. tries to play a song for the other on the piano. fails miserably. laughs. smiles. shines.he hasn’t felt the fire burning beneath his skin in awhile. he hasn’t felt like he’s suffocating in awhile. hasn’t had purple and blue decorating the skin stretched over his ribcage.he almost convinces himself that he’s somehow healed. better. okay.sometimes jeongguk’s heart will beat a little too fast, and he’ll ask himself is this how it feels to be alive? sometimes jeongguk will feel short of breath from being around the other, and he’ll wonder is this how it feels to have a universe inside of you? △it’s naive for him to think the burning would go away that easily though.one night jeongguk opens the door to yoongi’s apartment. he doesn’t bother to knock, just lets himself in like he always does, but something’s different. something’s off. he feels it before he hears it.“hyung, i saw a rainbow on the way here...” but he trails off once his ears pick up the sound of two people talking.jeongguk’s feet are light as he makes his way closer to the voices. one’s yoongi, that’s for sure. jeongguk doesn’t recognize the second person.yoongi never has people over.“hyung?” jeongguk pushes the door to yoongi’s bedroom open slowly.“is this him?” the voice he doesn’t recognize asks when he peeks his head in.his eyes immediately find yoongi standing opposite of the bed where a second person sits. he’s immediately taken aback by the stranger.they’re sitting on yoongi’s bed, leaning back on their hands. their hair is messy and their jeans are torn. there’s a bright smile on their face.jeongguk doesn’t know why the sight of an obviously attractive boy unsettles him.he gives the boy a one over again.“i think he just checked me out.” the stranger says to yoongi.yoongi frowns. “leave him alone, hoseok.”jeongguk feels heat rise to his cheeks. he considers closing the door to leave the two to whatever business they were attending to, but yoongi stops him.“jeongguk, come in.”hoseok gestures for him to sit next to him on the bed, but jeongguk opts for closing the door behind him and standing as far from the other as he can.“this is hoseok.” yoongi introduces. “we’re friends.”“friends? ouch.” hoseok replies before jeongguk can feel any relief.that’s when jeongguk feels the spark beneath his lungs, the one he’s tried to forget, the one he thought he could escape.it burns like a firework, slowly spreading across his chest and then vibrating through his veins.he needs to go. he needs to get out of here.“we used to mess around.” hoseok says. “thought something was going on for a while too, but i guess not.” he shoots yoongi a glare.the fire burns with an intensity that jeongguk forgot about. he had lived free of the burning for so long that he forgot a fire was once buried in his chest.“i’m just dropping off some newspapers. don’t worry. he’s all yours.” hoseok stands to leave. “i’m afraid i wasn’t hot enough for him.” these words are said bitterly.yoongi doesn’t respond, simply spins the ring on his index finger around.jeongguk tries to take hoseok’s words lightly. he tries to ignore the meaning behind the words. the true meaning. the emphasis on the word hot. the reality that’s a punch to the gut.because yoongi’s blind and hypersensitive to temperature. yoongi’s obsessed with heat and feeling warm. yoongi once told him that jeongguk made him feel a heat he’s never felt before. told jeongguk that he made him feel warm.it’s the reason yoongi first had an interest in him. the heat. the way his voice sounded. the way his skin felt.hoseok’s words ring in jeongguk’s ears. is it that easy to lose this? is it that easy for yoongi to lose interest in him? is this what all this is? a fleeting interest?jeongguk wants to say no, but now he isn’t so sure.the burning is near excruciating at this point. jeongguk’s fingers begin to desperately dig into his flesh.his nails break skin. he hasn’t trimmed them recently. hasn’t had a reason to. hasn’t felt this bad.“i’ll best be on my way.” hoseok says into the growing silence before closing the door behind him.jeongguk drops his hand from his stomach and looks at yoongi.it’s quiet. usually silence between them is comfortable, but now it hangs heavy in the air.jeongguk tries to take deep breaths. tries to push the flames down enough so he can talk. be strong.“is now a bad time?” he manages to ask.he knows he should question yoongi, ask if what hoseok had said was true, ask if he actually means anything to the other, but jeongguk’s grown up with far too many burn marks painted across his soul to know when someone’s having a difficult time. he can pick up signs of discomfort as if they’re his own because for him, they are. every sign of wanting to run away from a situation is one he’s all too familiar with.“i can go.” he offers yoongi an easy out. tries not to wince when he shifts his weight from one side to the other.jeongguk knows what happens when you press on sensitive topics. knows how you can accidentally break a person with innocent words.yoongi’s arms are crossed across his chest, white shirt hanging loose on his body. he doesn’t have his usual jacket on. all of the scars are visible.“it’s not what you think.” yoongi says, and jeongguk can hear it. the slight crack at the end of the words and the plead in his tone. “please don’t leave.”the first step is shaky, but jeongguk easily finds himself in front of yoongi.“you don’t have to explain yourself.” jeongguk says softly. he takes yoongi’s scarred hand into his own. squeezes.“it’s nothing bad.” yoongi begins. “you don’t have to be this gentle with me. i’m not going to break you.”jeongguk pauses. “why would i think you’d break me?”“it’s what hoseok said. it bothered you. you think i might hurt you. he made you question whether i cared about you.”jeongguk doesn’t ask how yoongi came to that conclusion so easily. he gave up asking a long time ago.“i do care about you. don’t doubt that.” yoongi says. “they’re two different situations.”“i don’t think i understand.” jeongguk replies.“you’re not like hoseok, not at all.”jeongguk looks down. the fire’s faded by now, but there’s still something ugly inside of him, something that won’t go away.“i met him two years ago. for a few months i thought he was the one. he has this persona that’s undeniably bright, and i had never been around someone like him before. it was new.”yoongi’s holding onto jeongguk’s hands. tight.“he was into me. i thought i was into him, but we weren’t compatible.” yoongi pauses. “there’s a difference between warm people and people who make you feel warm.” he laughs numbly. “do you know what he said to me when i asked what he saw in the night sky? he told me he saw hope.”memories of park benches and lonely night skies flood jeongguk’s mind.“you aren’t like him, not at all.”yoongi lets go of jeongguk’s hand and brings his palm up to rest against the side of his face.“please don’t think i don’t care about you.” yoongi says.jeongguk could cry. he’s never been this overly emotional around another person, but there’s something about how the fire immediately disappears from his lungs. there’s something about yoongi’s expression that could bring him to tears. yoongi and his bottom lip red bitten from worry. yoongi and his scarred hands that are always so. so. gentle. yoongi and his empty eyes that can somehow see everything. you aren’t like him, not at all. jeongguk replays in his mind. he reads it as a potential promise. reads it as a possibility. reads it as an i might have a chance. △jeongguk kisses him.he doesn’t mean to. does it impulsively. does it out of nowhere. doesn’t think it through.one moment he’s watching yoongi’s lips move languidly, and the next moment he’s leaning in.he doesn’t know why he does it. tells himself it’s the right thing to do. that it feels right.yoongi’s entire body freezes when he feels the press of jeongguk’s mouth against his.yoongi doesn’t kiss back, but jeongguk tells himself it’s because he caught the other off guard. tells himself it’s alright. it’s okay.but then yoongi’s pushing him away.jeongguk opens his eyes and stares widely at the other. yoongi’s breathing hard. chest rising and falling rapidly.“i’m sorry-”“why did you do that?” yoongi asks.his voice is cold.it brings jeongguk back to his senses and out of the fantasy he built in his mind, the fairytale he had created where he had a chance with the other.there’s a fleeting moment when all he can do is stare before the dread hits him, before his heart starts to beat at an uneven pace. he feels the once dormant fire begin to erupt below his ribcage.he messed up.he went too far.“i told you i don’t do relationships.” yoongi moves back on the piano bench.“i k-know.” jeongguk stutters. he can barely squeeze the words out. the fire spreads from his lungs and through his veins at a dizzying pace. jeongguk’s immediate instinct is to press his fingers into his skin. to do anything to get it to stop because now he can’t breathe. now he can’t focus. now all he can feel is the fire.it’s like being crushed, like his insides are all pushing together. ash. his mind reminds him. it’s not long until that’s all he’ll be.it’s like he’s back at square one. it’s like he’s back in that freshman lecture hall with a spare pencil held tightly in his hand repeating to himself i wish i was brave. i wish i was brave. i wish i was brave. it’s like he hasn’t made any progress at all.“i just thought this was different.” it hurts to say it. it hurts to admit his own foolishness. of course yoongi doesn’t like him back. how could he be so pathetic?“why would it be different?”if jeongguk hadn’t been trapped in his manic headspace he’d notice the strain in yoongi’s voice. notice the shake. the fear. the uncertainty.but he doesn’t. jeongguk’s too deep in his own self deprecation that he doesn’t realize yoongi’s struggling just as much as him.“i’m sorry.” jeongguk pushes out. “i’m so sorry. i just feel so much whenever i’m with you.”your lungs need oxygen to breathe, and it’s no coincidence that fire does too, so why is it that the fire can still burn under his skin while jeongguk’s suffocating like this?he takes a few seconds to breathe. inhale. exhale. it doesn’t stop the burning. it doesn’t stop the tight feeling pushing down on his chest.“i’m burdened with all of these emotions, and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to let it out. i feel like i could collapse from how much i love yo-”“i don’t love you back.” yoongi says before jeongguk can finish. “i can’t love you back.”and that...that sets something off in jeongguk’s head. that immediately pauses the chaotic frenzy that had built itself up inside of him.because wasn’t yoongi the one who would whisper into his skin that he deserved to be loved?it’s not that yoongi doesn’t love him, it’s that yoongi’s saying he can’t love him, and that’s not right.he feels something snap because this isn’t fair. yoongi isn’t being fair.“what are you so scared of?” jeongguk asks. his skin burns. he hasn’t felt the burning in a while. it’s sickening how fast the fire welcomes him.“you’re too good for me jeongguk.” yoongi says sharply. “is that what you want to hear?”“that’s not true, and you know it.”“don’t do this.” yoongi says under his breath, but jeongguk hears him. he always hears him. “don’t beg. you deserve better than that. you shouldn’t have to beg for someone to love you.”“i’m not begging you to love me. i’m asking you to give me a chance.”“when it comes to you, that’s the same fucking thing. do you really think i’d be able to be with you without loving you?”jeongguk looks at the ground as he feels the tears start to well up. “why is that such a bad thing to you? loving me? you’re the one who told me i deserved to be loved.”“you do deserve to be loved. that’s not what i mean.” yoongi mutters. but isn’t it? jeongguk’s mind quietly repeats over and over. jeongguk feels foolish.when he was with yoongi, he thought he was something greater than himself.he thought he was something. his own person. his own burning universe.but jeongguk’s ashes, and that’s all he’ll ever be.yoongi reaches out to rest a hand on jeongguk’s shoulder, as he’s done a hundred times before, but jeongguk flinches away.“don’t be like this.” yoongi says, dropping his hand back down to his side.“like what? upset?” jeongguk’s voice shakes. “i just...you had me convinced. you let me believe everything you said.”tears stain his cheeks as he continues to look down.“that day in the library, you told the security guard that i wanted to burn.” jeongguk recalls in a whispered voice. “you were wrong. it wasn’t just that i wanted to burn. i wanted to burn with you .”yoongi turns these words over in his head, and his hand reaches up, as if it’s about to reach for jeongguk again, but he quickly drops it. “that’s the problem.” yoongi’s voice cracks. “why can’t you see that i don’t want you to burn?”jeongguk closes his eyes and tries to ignore the fire licking at his veins. he tries to ignore the way his heart aches from the flames.maybe if he ignores it he’ll be able to ignore when the fire runs out of things to burn. he doesn’t like it when he’s left feeling hollow, like all the times before. he doesn’t like it when all he’s left with is ash.because most people are filled with cells and blood vessels, but all you’d find inside jeongguk is blackened remains of a fire that hurt more than healed.jeongguk stays like this for a while. sitting in silence waiting for the flames to go out. waiting for his bones to concave in on themselves.“it hurts.” he whispers. “it hurts so much.”his eyes are still closed, and jeongguk begins to wonder if yoongi may have left, but then jeongguk hears the whispered plea fall from the other’s lips.“can i touch you?”with burning veins, jeongguk’s hand immediately reaches out for yoongi’s.△the next night yoongi stops jeongguk at the door of his apartment.whispers, “now’s a bad time.” asks if he can touch him. rests his hand in the other’s. “meet me at the convenience store?”and jeongguk’s tearing up again before he can stop. “yes.” he holds onto yoongi’s hand. “ i’ll wait for you there, hyung.”△jeongguk walks to the convenience store from yoongi’s apartment.maybe a few steps back is important. maybe they were getting ahead of themselves.he sits on the sidewalk below the flickering light he used to sit under every night.yoongi doesn’t show up.△     he doesn’t show up the next night either.      △“i feel like we should use your prometheus story as an introduction to the book.” jimin says.jeongguk rests his chin on the palm of his hand. “that would fit.”jimin writes it down on their outline.jeongguk’s barely there. his mind is lost in every place he may have went wrong.“sorry i’m late.” taehyung says, but his voice is like an echo only heard faintly in the very back of jeongguk’s head. “my neighbor needed help moving his piano.”jeongguk’s attention catches on taehyung’s words. “whose piano?” he asks.taehyung looks up. “do you know min yoongi?”it takes everything to not press his fingers into his ribcage. “i do.” he stops himself for a moment. “i haven’t seen him in a few days though.”taehyung nods his head. “he’s my neighbor. i help him get his mail every morning. he says he can’t be bothered trying to unlock the mailbox.”jeongguk looks away. he tries to appear as if he isn’t holding onto every word.“he said he wanted to burn his piano and keep the ashes in a jar.”jeongguk bites his lip and imagines the brown piano up in flames. he’s still not sure how he feels about real fire.“i told him it sounded pretentious.” taehyung laughs.jeongguk pretends to laugh with him, but it doesn’t come out as one. it sounds too rough, too torn at the edges.△jeongguk continues to wait at the convenience store for the other.he tells himself he needs to give yoongi his space. needs to give yoongi time. needs to let him mend whatever jeongguk accidentally broke.the crushing feeling doesn’t go away though. it’s like he’s constantly being compressed into something smaller and smaller.yoongi never shows up.△somehow taehyung manages to catch onto jeongguk’s anxiety. somehow he picks up that it’s related to yoongi too. because whenever he sees jeongguk he tells jeongguk about the blind boy.“he doesn’t say much these days.” taehyung says once he sits down. “i just go over and help him with laundry and random stuff. did you know he put up hooks in his apartment to hang things? i was so relieved his walls weren’t bare anymore.”jeongguk pretends his heart doesn’t sink with every minor detail. pretends he doesn’t recall the thursday night he had hung the hooks on the wall for yoongi. pretends he hadn’t confessed his love to the boy all those nights ago.“it was empty with the piano, but now that it’s gone it’s even worse.”jeongguk tries not to think about what that means. for yoongi’s apartment. for him. for yoongi.△jeongguk clenches his fists as he sits on the sidewalk.it’s cold this time of year and noticeably colder without the other.the longer he sits outside of the convenience store the stronger the fire burns.he hates it. hates how he only ever burns.sometimes when he breathes it tastes like ash, and he thinks to himself this is it. it won’t be long until i’m truly nothing. it scares him. terrifies him beyond belief.jeongguk doesn’t want to feel this hollow. he hates the way the flames burn up his insides as if he’s already nothing. he doesn’t want to feel this way forever, doesn’t want to feel this empty, but his heart breaks from the smallest of things.he has nothing. no place to call home. no place for his heart to call home. he’s terrible at maintaining relationships and even worse at building them. his hands shake when he tries to speak his mind, and he digs his fingers into his skin whenever someone approaches him.it’s pathetic. he’s pathetic.the thought of being alone is enough to make him cry, and he always cares too much. always tries too hard. always takes everything too seriously. always hurts himself because of it.jeongguk tilts his head back to look at the night sky like he did with yoongi when they were just getting to know each other.as he looks out at the vast darkness, he realizes a few things. the universe is big, impossibly so. the universe is big and the world is small, but jeongguk? jeongguk’s smaller.if the universe is this empty thing, what does that make jeongguk? what is he in relation to the cosmos? less than a black hole. less than a burning pit of overlapping shadows.he wonders when he’ll be ash. wonders if he already is.△“are you okay jeongguk?” taehyung asks.“you look off.” jimin adds.jeongguk hadn’t slept at all last night. he smiles weakly. “i’m okay.”taehyung doesn’t look convinced. jimin doesn't either.he feels the flames vibrate through his veins. he doesn’t wince though.he’s gotten use to the everpresent fire again.jeongguk tries to smile wider, but he’s quickly interrupted.“do you want to hang out tonight?” taehyung asks. “we can go anywhere you’d like.”jeongguk wants to decline, but there’s this hopeful look on both of their faces that makes him give in. he knows what it looks like when people are making an effort to help, and he isn’t an ungrateful person.jeongguk’s just tired. he wants to go home and crawl under his blankets and disappear. blink out of existence until the burning goes away.“what would we do?”taehyung smiles. “we could get something to eat.”“or watch movies.” jimin suggests.“what do you usually do on a friday night?”jeongguk looks down at his hands.he’s been sitting on the cold concrete sidewalk of the convenience store every night for the past week. he wants to be honest with jimin and taehyung. he does. they deserve his honesty, but how do you tell people who care about you that you’ve been smothering yourself with loneliness? that you’ve been hopelessly waiting for something like your life depends on it. that you’re pushing yourself to the edge because you don’t know what else to do.jeongguk looks back up slowly. their eyes are trained on him. “sometimes i go to open mics for my friend?”“oh like poetry?” jimin asks.“i like poetry.”jeongguk tries to breathe. “my friend writes a lot. i think he texted me about having one tonight. they’re usually on fridays and saturdays.”“tell us where and when, and we’ll be there.”jeongguk nods his head. a part of him wants to protest. wants to decline because he had told yoongi he’d wait for him at the convenience store. a part of him doesn’t want to give up.but the tired part of him tells him that maybe it’s time to let go of that. it’s been over a week. surely if yoongi wanted to see him he would let jeongguk know.jeongguk says, “okay.”if jimin or taehyung notice his frown they don’t mention it.△jeongguk gets to the open mic early. taehyung had suggested they arrive a half hour before it started so they could find a place to sit.when jeongguk arrives, taehyung and jimin are already there.he sits down across from them, and they both greet him.“is your friend here yet?” jimin asks. “they’re reading, right?”jeongguk eyes quickly scan the small crowd of people. they eventually land on namjoon. “yeah. he’s there. i think he’s on toward the end.”“can we meet him?” taehyung asks. “i want to know what kind of people jeonggukkie hangs out with.”jeongguk wants to reply with how he and namjoon don’t even hang out that much, but he doesn’t. calls namjoon over instead.“how are you, jeongguk?” namjoon greets once he reaches them.“i’m good, hyung.” jeongguk replies. “these are my friends jimin and taehyung.”“nice to meet you.” namjoon pauses. “is yoongi coming?”the same moment jeongguk says “why would he?” taehyung mutters “i hope not.”“do you know yoongi?” namjoon asks.“i do.” taehyung sighs. there’s a troubled look on his face. “he was a total asshole today though.”jeongguk’s stomach drops.“i asked him what time he wanted me to go over today, and he told me to fuck off.”there’s a look on namjoon’s face, an unphased look. as if what taehyung’s saying is exactly what he expected to hear.“he’s probably just having an off day.” jeongguk speaks up.taehyung rolls his eyes. “he’s been having an off week. today he just exploded though. yelled at me. told me not to come back to my apartment tonight.”this immediately elicits something inside of jeongguk. sets off flashing red sirens.“is that what he said?” jeongguk’s voice shakes.“yeah.” taehyung replies. “i’m going back after this, but i thought maybe he just needed some space.”jeongguk doesn’t know how, doesn’t know why, but he feels like something’s wrong. he’s almost overwhelmed with a feeling of dread.because that’s exactly what he’s been telling himself for over a week. that yoongi just needed some space. that yoongi just needed some time. but something inside of him is telling him that that wasn’t the right way to deal with it. that it wasn’t the right choice.he pushes his chair out from the table and stands up. “i have to go.”jeongguk doesn’t give them time to object.when he gets out of the coffee shop he runs.△jeongguk comes to multiple realizations before he reaches yoongi’s apartment.one: he’s blind. not in the literal sense but in the sense that he didn’t see the signs.yoongi had told him. yoongi had warned him about this. that night, when yoongi had confessed how he feels nothing when he burns things down, he had written out exactly how it would look if things got bad.jeongguk just couldn’t see it.yoongi had said it right to his face. when things get bad i develop this destructive tendency. he just didn’t listen.not until now.because jeongguk may not be able to speak his mind, but he pays attention, and he can remember the smallest of things. right now, with taehyung’s words echoing in his mind, jeongguk remembers all the whispered warnings yoongi had said that night. i push people away. i start lying. i get reckless. how could he be so stupid? so blind?
sometimes i get into a certain mindset, a toxic headspace, and all i want to do is push myself as far as i can.
there’s a deep feeling of fear buried in his stomach.yoongi had told taehyung not to come back to his apartment tonight. had said it with malice. with anger.it’s well into the night by now.jeongguk runs faster.two: it’s his fault. jeongguk’s scared, not just of what yoongi’s done but of what he’s caused.because maybe if he read the warning signs. the broken fire alarm. the matches. the newspaper. maybe if he wasn’t so careless. maybe if he didn’t let himself get so close. maybe if he didn’t kiss the other. maybe if he didn’t promise to wait at the convenience store. maybe if he had mustered up some courage and just gone to see yoongi.maybe it would be different.△real fire terrifies him.jeongguk doesn’t come to this realization until he’s staring up at a five story apartment building burning with a fire that’s very well his own doing.ever since he met yoongi, jeongguk's puzzled over how real fire makes him feel. how physical flames compare to the flames inside of him.the truth is it horrifies him.there’s a line of people evacuated from the building. jeongguk scans over them for yoongi’s familiar face, but he’s not there.and jeongguk knows. he just knows. his feet ache from running, and his lungs are short of breath as he stares, and his eyes water as he looks up to the fire before him. it’s primarily on the third floor. yoongi’s floor.
he caused this.
jeongguk wipes a stray tear from his cheek with the back of his hand and then shakily steps forward. one. two. and then he’s sprinting.someone’s yelling after him, but he can barely hear beyond the erratic sound of his heartbeat.it’s like the library and convenience store all over again, and jeongguk starts to drift. his mind starts to slip at this point.his mother told him to stop caring, and jeongguk tried to listen to her. he tried so hard to just let go. to not try so hard. to not let the fire burn everytime things began to fall apart.at first he’d only burn because of big things, important things. friends fighting. parents going away for three months at a time.but then he began burning from the most insignificant of reasons. eye contact held for too long. silence in conversations surpassing four seconds. the thought of being alone.jeongguk doesn’t know how he got like this. he doesn’t know when it went from being something small to being something controlling his entire life. haunting him wherever he goes.he doesn’t know when, he doesn’t know how, he doesn’t know why, but he does know that he still cares. knows that despite trying to suppress his emotions, he cares for yoongi with his entire heart.jeongguk pushes the stairwell door open. ignores the white pain of hot metal burning his hands. ignores everything except the frantic voice in his head telling him to hurry. telling him he’s losing time.his fingers burn on the stairwell railing, and he looks down at his hands.for the past six years he’s felt like he’s been burning, but at this very moment jeongguk realizes what burning truly is. it’s chasing after something you can’t reach. it’s giving your all into nothing. into a blackhole. into a void. it’s giving all of your warmth to someone who doesn’t want it. someone who doesn’t love you back. someone who refuses to love you back.he’s never burned like this before, and perhaps it’s because he’s never loved someone like this before.he reaches the third floor of the apartment building and coughs into the thin air. he’s overwhelmed with the tightening of his chest as his breathing gets worse and worse.he pulls his jacket up to his face in desperation.the fire’s bad on the third floor, and it’s worse the closer jeongguk gets to yoongi’s apartment.the fear buried in his chest sinks deeper and deeper because it isn’t just the fire that scares him. it’s what’s behind it. what’s left from it. what’s left of yoongi.he kicks yoongi’s door down and almost falls to his knees as a cloud of smoke erupts in his face.yoongi isn’t in the first room, and the panic in jeongguk’s chest rises. his eyes frantically fall on yoongi’s bedroom door. you have to go faster. you’re running out of time. yoongi’s running out of time. the voice in his head is screaming at this point.it’s bizarre. the fire beneath his bones has prevented jeongguk from doing many things. talking to people. branching out. giving himself a chance. but the physical fire, the fire obstructing his vision as he all but collapses into yoongi’s room, doesn’t stop him for a moment. doesn’t even make him hesitate.the first thing jeongguk sees is yoongi lying on his unmade bed.jeongguk tries to shout his name, but all he can do is cough as the smoke grows heavier and heavier.his knees buckle when he reaches yoongi’s bed. “hyung.” he whispers under his breath. tears blur his vision. “hyung please.”yoongi’s eyes are closed peacefully. like he’s sleeping. like he’s already run out of time.he’s too late, his mind repeats. he’s too late. jeongguk desperately pulls yoongi’s hands into his. he screws his eyes shut and sobs.how could he do this? how could he let this happen? he knew yoongi wanted the world to burn. he knew the other had viewed the world as if it was already up in flames. why didn’t he listen? why didn’t he see? yoongi had said he was better off burning in the other two fires he set, the one at the library and the one at the convenience store. yoongi had said the only reason he didn't was because someone pulled him away from the flames before he could. the only reason i’d stop is if someone else stopped me. jeongguk’s so lost in his thoughts that he almost doesn’t feel yoongi squeeze his hand.“you aren’t supposed to be here.” yoongi’s voice is thin. faint. frail.jeongguk’s heart jumps. he can’t explain the surge of emotion that spreads throughout his entire body. it’s like a once defeated part of him is being given a second chance to do better. to be better.more tears flood his vision.“hyung…” and there are a million things he wants to say, a million things he wants to ask, a million things he wants to apologize for, but jeongguk doesn’t have the time. neither of them do.“let’s go. we have to go.” jeongguk starts mumbling to himself. yoongi doesn’t reply, doesn’t move, and that sends a rush of adrenaline through jeongguk. he’s losing yoongi. he’s losing him.jeongguk immediately stands up from his crouched position next to the other’s bed. he weaves his arms around yoongi’s waist and heaves the other up.jeongguk doesn’t know what it’s like to physically burn. he doesn’t know how it feels to press flames against his skin, but he does know one thing. after coming in such close contact with it, after watching flames nearly consume a boy who managed to become his entire heart, jeongguk knows that he doesn't like real fire.jeongguk looks down at yoongi’s pale face as he carries him through his burning apartment.it’s ironic because prometheus stole fire to save mankind. to help them.it’s ironic because when jeongguk first met yoongi he saw fire. he saw a boy with a burning inferno inside of him, and not the kind of fire trapped beneath jeongguk’s skin. a different fire.he saw a boy made from flames, and then a boy who couldn’t let them go.so perhaps it’s more complicated. perhaps him not liking real fire is a lie. because without fire yoongi wouldn’t be the person he is. without it jeongguk wouldn’t have met the blind boy.he hates what fire does, he really truly does, but that doesn’t mean he hates what it leaves behind.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

the first thing yoongi says when he wakes up is, “you weren’t supposed to be there.”jeongguk flinches next to the other, but he doesn’t let go of yoongi’s hand. “you should rest. we can talk about this later.”there’s a few seconds of silence, but then “did you take me to the hospital?”the steady beep of a heart monitor answers his question.jeongguk stares down at their intertwined hands. he doesn't look at yoongi directly. doesn’t know if he’d be able to think coherently if he looked at the other.“do you remember anything?” jeongguk asks. his voice is small.yoongi squeezes his hand. it reminds jeongguk of the fire. the smoke. the image of the other lying on that bed surrounded by flames.jeongguk drops his forehead to rest on yoongi’s arm.“i remember you.”△they say healing is easy if you let it happen, but jeongguk’s been trying to heal himself for most of his life. he doesn’t know where to start when it comes to helping someone else heal.looking down at yoongi’s scarred hands, jeongguk decides to begin with the truth. “i carried you out of your apartment. it felt like i couldn’t breathe.”he leaves out the part where it felt like yoongi’s pulse had stopped beating at one point. he leaves out the part where the younger had started to uncontrollably shake because he thought yoongi had died. he thought he had lost yoongi right in his arms.“when we got outside an ambulance was already there. they immediately took you in and put you on oxygen.” jeongguk doesn’t know why the words are hard to say. doesn’t know why it feels like ash weighing down in his mouth. “they examined me too. said i was fine, but that i should stick around just in case.”yoongi’s eyes look sightlessly up at the ceiling as jeongguk recalls these things to him.“taehyung was there. namjoon and jimin were too. they followed me to you apartment building. i guess i had caused a scene earlier. i panicked when i was with them.” jeongguk pauses. “they’re in the waiting room. they were....shocked. i don’t really remember that well. i was too focused on you.”jeongguk rubs circles into yoongi’s hand.“they let me ride in the ambulance with you. they said only family could, but taehyung told them you didn’t have that.” jeongguk swallows. “the paramedic told me your airway was inflamed from smoke inhalation and that you had mild carbon monoxide poisoning. you should be fine though. they said you’d be able to leave tonight.”yoongi doesn’t say anything. there’s something sad in the way his eyes drift as he blinks slowly.“i don’t have anywhere to go.” he states. it’s said defeatedly. monotonously. quiet. it’s said as if yoongi wasn’t planning on having a place to stay after the fire. as if he wasn’t planning on thinking about life after his apartment went up in flames. as if he wasn’t planning on making it that far.jeongguk doesn’t know where to begin when it comes to helping other people, he can barely help himself most of the time, but he doesn’t cower away from the thought. not when yoongi’s right in front of him. not when the boy he confessed his love to is lying stiffly on a hospital bed. lying like he doesn’t want to move. lying like he regrets being alive.jeongguk clears his throat, and it’s just so hard. he’s already put his heart on the line. he doesn’t know if he could survive being crushed again.his mother had told him not to care, and maybe he should take her advice.or maybe he shouldn’t.he tells himself having his heart crushed by min yoongi wouldn’t be that bad anyway. not if that meant the other could breathe without wanting to burn.jeongguk swallows, and then he very slowly suggests, “you could go with me.”△“i told you i didn’t want to see you here again.” the doctor says when he enters the room.yoongi’s sitting up on the edge of the bed. his head is hung low. he’s quiet for a long time, but then he mutters, “sorry for breaking that promise, seokjin.”jeongguk watches the exchange in silence.“so what happened?” seokjin asks.“kitchen fire.”“sounds like more than a kitchen fire.”there’s another silence, and jeongguk doesn’t know what to make of it.“the last time i saw you here i was still training to be a paramedic. a lot of time may have passed, but i recognized your name immediately.” seokjin pauses. “the story of a nine year old miraculously surviving a deadly house fire stayed with me for all those years.”“history repeats itself i guess.” yoongi says emotionlessly.“what happened?”“it doesn’t matter.”seokjin clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. he stares at yoongi’s hunched over figure. there’s a look of frustration on his face for a moment, but it quickly fades into understanding. pity. guilt. “do you remember what you said to me back then?”yoongi doesn’t reply.“you told me you were cold.” seokjin laughs to himself. it isn’t a happy sound. it’s downcast. conflicted. “a kid with second degree burns telling me he’s cold. tearing up because he can’t get warm.”a deep frown traces itself onto yoongi’s face.“you’re lucky the burns didn’t scar permanently. you were young and healed quickly.”seokjin gives yoongi a long look.“what’s burning you now?”yoongi presses his lips into a thin line and tilts his head toward the doctor. “i’d like to leave. they said i could leave if i was all set.”“yoongi.” seokjin’s tone is firm. “when i told you i didn’t want to see you here again, i meant it. i’ll let you leave, because that’s the law, but i really did mean it. you were given a chance to start over. a chance to live.”yoongi wordlessly stands from the hospital bed. he holds onto jeongguk’s hand and pulls him to stand up too.he brushes past seokjin.“maybe i didn’t deserve it.”△seokjin approaches taehyung, jimin, and namjoon before jeongguk can.“i’ve known yoongi for awhile.” seokjin says. “and i’m glad he has friends looking after him.”the three exchange looks of confusion. hesitation. protest. for once jeongguk’s glad yoongi can’t see.“we all experience hardships, and i’m glad he isn’t alone.”yoongi stands silently next to jeongguk.△there’s an unorthodox silence between them when they get to jeongguk’s apartment building complex.jeongguk’s never had someone visit his apartment before. he was always too insecure. too worried that they’d notice the empty rooms and see his true colors. see what kind of person he is. what kind of person he isn’t.leading yoongi through his apartment door is different though. because it’s yoongi. yoongi whose apartment is now burned black and grey. yoongi who’s blind but can still see the world for what it is.jeongguk swings the door open. “it’s not much.” his voice is small.yoongi notices his timidness. he rubs soothing circles into jeongguk’s hand. “you’re here.” yoongi speaks up for the first time since the hospital. “it’s more than enough.”△it’s later that night when jeongguk finds the courage to talk to the other. really talk. it’s after jeongguk shows the pale eyed boy the four rooms making up his apartment. after he realizes he only has one place for the other to sleep. after he argues about taking the couch. after yoongi insists they share a bed. insists it’d be okay. better. warmer.it’s when they’re laying next to each other on jeongguk’s bed that’s always felt too big. it’s then that jeongguk examines yoongi. it’s then that he starts to break down.his heart seizes when he looks at the other because yoongi’s staring sightlessly up at the ceiling with a frown on his face. yoongi’s frowning as if he regrets being here, not being here with jeongguk, he already confirmed having nowhere else he’d rather be. no. yoongi’s frowning as if he regrets breathing, the rise and fall of his chest. as if he regrets being alive.the sight sparks something desperate inside of jeongguk. it sparks a desire to help. care. love. the other with everything he has.it’s dangerous because jeongguk doesn’t know how to help in comfortable increments. he doesn't know how to care in fractals. he doesn’t know how to love in pieces.last time he couldn’t control himself it resulted in burning and being pushed away. it resulted in a firm hand on his shoulder telling him to take a step back. it resulted in hopelessly waiting on a convenience store sidewalk wondering where he went wrong.it resulted in this.yoongi doesn’t move. doesn’t shift. doesn’t try to get comfortable. just lies on his back with a pained look on his face as if he’s willing the time to pass faster. as if he’s waiting for the clock to run out of seconds to count.“i’m sorry.” jeongguk caves in. yoongi once told him to stop apologizing, but right now, as they lay next to each other with their unsaid words pushing them apart, jeongguk can’t help it. “i’m sorry.” he repeats.“don’t be.” there’s a beat of silence and then, “can i touch you?”jeongguk lets out a shaky breath before slipping his hand into yoongi’s.jeongguk doesn’t know where to begin. he doesn’t know where the past breaks off and becomes the present. he doesn’t know what separates yoongi pushing him away after their kiss to yoongi asking to touch him now.he settles for, “i care about you.” it’s neutral. not a lie but not entirely the truth. not the whole truth.“i care about you too.” yoongi breathes out. he doesn’t move.“i’m sorry i kissed you.” jeongguk blurts because that’s what started this, right?there’s another heavy silence before yoongi mutters, “don’t be.”it catches jeongguk off guard. he pinpointed the kiss as the tipping point. pinpointed it as the thing that pushed yoongi over the edge.but now yoongi’s holding onto his hand and telling him not to apologize for it. telling him not to regret the impulsive action that nearly crushed him.“not much has changed since then.” jeongguk whispers into the dark. “i still feel like i’m suffocating in all of this. it’s so much all of the time. i don’t know what to say. i don’t know what i’m supposed to say.”“stop thinking about it.”“last time i did that it ended…” bad. yoongi ignores his protest. “that was then. this is now. do what you want.”“you make it sound so easy.”“because it is, jeongguk-ah. say what you want. speak your mind.”jeongguk runs his other hand through his hair. “i don’t want to overwhelm you. it can be a lot. i can be a lot.”yoongi frowns. “i won’t be overwhelmed.” he squeezes his hand. “please.”jeongguk exhales slowly and then turns onto his side to face the other. “i waited for you at that convenience store every night.”yoongi doesn’t react. lies quietly. listens quietly.“i replayed that day at the piano to myself over and over. you told me you couldn’t love me. that hurt the most.” jeongguk looks away from yoongi. “i only wanted a chance, you know. i wasn’t asking you to love me.”yoongi rolls onto his side to face jeongguk. he runs his hand up his arm. jeongguk shifts closer to the other.“you told me you didn’t want me to burn, but after that night that’s all i did. my insides ignited the moment you said that, and the fire never went out. it’s still there now.” jeongguk bites his lip. “i care about you so much. if i were brave i’d tell you that i love you, more than anything, but i’m not brave, and so i’m stepping over emotions hoping they’ll go away with time. that night i kissed you, you pushed me away, but then you held onto my hand like it was a lifeline. i didn’t know what to make of that.”yoongi doesn’t say anything yet. just traces his thumb over jeongguk’s cheekbone. jeongguk closes his eyes.“there were so many selfish things i wanted from you, and so i tried asking myself what it was you wanted from me. what you wanted me to do. i thought you wanted space, but now i’m not so sure if that was the right assumption to make. i just don’t know what you want. even now.”yoongi’s lips are pursed. his fingers fall from jeongguk’s face as he thinks. he carefully replays jeongguk’s words. careful. careful. careful.he knows jeongguk’s indirectly asking him a question. knows jeongguk wants an answer because what they’re doing now is hopelessly trying to find something in the dark. what they’re doing now is more damaging than it is healing.“what do you want, jeongguk-ah?”and it’s such a simple question.there are so many things in the world that he wants but nothing he’ll ever get. maybe that’s one of his biggest flaws. he desires so many things, is so hopeful when it comes to the world, but he also cares with an unbelievable amount of his heart, and so when he’s hit with the reality of his futile desires he falls apart.jeongguk could make a list in his head. he wants to be a better person. wants to take his mother’s advice. wants to stop caring so much. wants to stop trying so hard. wants to be able to talk without feeling like he can’t breathe. wants to stop feeling like ash. feeling lonely. feeling small.but at that moment, jeongguk is overwhelmed with one single thing, one single desire. “i want to kiss you.”yoongi hums. “then kiss me.”△the first time they had kissed it was an accident. unplanned. impulsive.but now, with yoongi’s lips pressed against his own, it’s different.it spreads a warmth inside of him. the warmth he had felt before. the warmth that had once replaced the fire.yoongi kisses softly. with his scarred hand cradling jeongguk’s face. with his lips moving slowly. gently.jeongguk almost forgets how to breathe. almost panics because he’s kissing yoongi and yoongi’s kissing him back. yoongi’s leaning closer. running his fingers over jeongguk’s neck, across his jaw, through his hair. pulling back to catch his breath but then leaning back in.there are still so many unsaid things between them, so many unsaid confessions and emotions, but it doesn’t feel wrong. doesn’t feel rushed. doesn’t feel too soon.it feels comfortable. natural.yoongi pulls away and brushes his thumb over jeongguk’s bottom lip. pushes down gently and then releases.when he leans back in, jeongguk sighs against his mouth.yoongi pecks his lips and then begins to blindly press kisses all over jeongguk’s face. on the corner of his mouth, on his chin, cupid’s bow, cheekbone, nose, forehead.seconds. minutes. hours. go by. jeongguk isn’t sure exactly how long it lasts, but eventually, with his lips cherry red, he lays his head against yoongi’s chest.he still doesn't know where they stand. he still doesn’t know what yoongi wants because the other hasn’t exactly answered him.yoongi must like him back at least, right? after kissing him...kissing him like that. there’s still a feeling of uncertainty deep in jeongguk’s chest. he doesn’t want to bother the other, doesn’t want to overstep, doesn’t want to take more than yoongi’s willing to give, but he has to reassure himself. he has to make sure this isn’t a one time thing.“can i kiss you again?” jeongguk tilts his head up to look at the other.yoongi smiles lazily. “please.”it’s short. a heartbeat long. only meant to comfort the small insecurity bloomed in jeongguk’s heart.he buries his face back into yoongi’s chest.it isn’t long before his mind comes down from its temporary high, its temporary state of euphoric elation.it’s nearly four in the morning now. everything seems surreal. bizarre. like days have gone by rather than mere hours.with his hand on yoongi’s beating chest, jeongguk recounts the memory of waiting in the hospital. sitting beside yoongi’s bed in a burning silence waiting for him to wake up.“what did seokjin mean at the hospital?” jeongguk asks. “why were you there when you were nine?”yoongi runs his fingers through jeongguk’s hair in the dark. he pulls on the stands lightly and then brushes them forward. “it’s not a memory i’d like to revisit right now.” he trails his fingers down to touch jeongguk’s face. “i’d rather just lay here with you.”jeongguk nods his head. he buries his face deeper into the older’s chest and closes his eyes.because jeongguk understands. he knows what it’s like to be overflowing with memories he wishes he could forget.he doesn't blame yoongi for wanting to avoid a past that obviously hurt him. obviously burned him.jeongguk’s just glad yoongi’s lying with him. breathing. living. the other’s heartbeat lulls him to sleep like a lullaby he never wants to forget.△answers come out of yoongi slowly. he’s never truly prompted by anything, or at least nothing jeongguk’s aware of.sometimes he’ll just start talking. the words will start flowing out of him, and jeongguk will hold the other’s hand in his own and listen.sometimes jeongguk’s eyes are cast down, but sometimes he can’t help but stare.the first time yoongi starts to open up they’re lying in jeongguk’s bed with the blinds pulled open to let the morning sun in.yoongi’s running his hand over jeongguk’s forearm. there’s nothing special about it. nothing monumental. yoongi just breathes shallowly and mutters, “i was born blind.”jeongguk slowly rolls onto his side to face the other. yoongi doesn’t stop tracing patterns into his skin.“i’ve never been able to see, but as a kid i never felt like i was at a loss. it’s hard to imagine you’re missing something if you can’t comprehend it. it’s a bit strange i guess. hypothetically, i know what being able to see is. it’s all just shapes and figures, but i’m still not entirely sure what that means.”the sunlight illuminates yoongi’s pale irises.“i’ve always been sensitive to touch. doctor said it was because my lack of sight amplified my other senses. it’s usually just temperature that affects me though.”jeongguk brings yoongi’s hands up to his lips and begins to press kisses to each finger. yoongi lets him.“my family used to have a fireplace, and i’d always sit too close to it. my mom would have to drag me away. told me it was unsafe. i’d always apologize, but it never stopped me from being pulled back to the fire. i loved the heat. loved the way it made me feel. loved the warmth it filled me with. my parents noticed my fixation with fire and told me the story of prometheus. it’s stayed with me ever since.”there’s a faint smile on yoongi’s face.“i was sensitive to sound too, but more to how it made me feel. i liked music, especially the piano. we had this piano right next to the fireplace. it was my absolute favorite thing in the world back then. whenever i was anxious my parents would play songs on it to calm me down.”jeongguk finds himself smiling too.“when i was a kid, i never had a problem with not feeling warm. i had a family that loved me. cared about me. i might’ve been blind, a disability in the world’s eyes, but i always felt like i was enough. my parents taught me to play piano you know. they’d sit with me every morning and teach me how each key sounded and then how they all sounded together.”yoongi shifts next to him.“they loved me so much.” his voice cracks at the end. “they really did…”when jeongguk looks up at the other, he notices the tears forming in yoongi’s eyes.jeongguk reaches up and gently wipes away one as it falls.“you don’t have to keep going.” he says. his words are the color of lavender. “don’t do anything that hurts you. i love you. i know you might not want to hear that. i’m still not sure where we stand there, but i do. i love you so much. this conversation can wait. i can wait.”“i don’t deserve you.” yoongi’s voice trembles when he says this.jeongguk presses his lips to yoongi’s forehead. “how do i show you that you do?”△yoongi doesn’t do much for the first few days. he just stays in jeongguk’s apartment. jeongguk doesn’t know what yoongi occupies himself with when he’s gone. in class. working on projects. getting groceries because now he has a reason to.in the morning jeongguk will wake up, kiss yoongi on the forehead as he sleeps, and leave.when he gets home the other will be sitting on the bed, couch, floor. most times listening to music but sometimes doing absolutely nothing at all.jeongguk doesn’t question the other’s isolated behavior.he remembers yoongi’s countless offhand remarks about not wanting to live. remembers the way yoongi had stared sightlessly at the ceiling as if the act of breathing was too much to handle.△“i set the piano in my house on fire when i was nine.”jeongguk’s working on coursework when he hears yoongi say this.“it wasn’t on purpose. it was childhood naivety and one too many negative emotions i couldn’t ignore. i had been playing piano to myself. my parents were asleep, and i had snuck downstairs to sit at the piano bench. the fireplace was lit, but it was cold. i remember being cold.”jeongguk puts down his pencil and slowly sits down next to yoongi on the floor.“i was upset about something, and nothing was working. no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t get warm. the longer i tired to play the worse it got. i don’t remember much, i was nine, but i do remember the frustration. i was so angry.”yoongi pulls his hand away when jeongguk tries to hold it.“i set the piano on fire. some twisted part of me thought mixing the two things i loved most in the world would work. thought it would help me feel better.”jeongguk pictures the old piano that was in yoongi’s apartment. imagines the black burn marks running over its brown wood.“i didn’t know much about fire. just thought it was something that warmed up the cold world.” yoongi inhales sharply. “it was so fucking stupid.” his voice begins to tremble. “i was so fucking selfish.”yoongi’s pushing himself away from him.jeongguk wants to comfort him. he doesn’t know if he can handle watching yoongi break himself down further.yoongi doesn’t say anything after that, and he doesn’t reach out for jeongguk like he usually does. just sits on the ground as silent tears stream down his face.he looks small. painfully so. like a child just coming to terms with a tragedy.jeongguk watches helplessly. he wonders if this is what healing is. wonders if healing is supposed to look like this. wonders if it’s tear streaked cheeks and confessions that feel like daggers.yoongi curls in on himself, and jeongguk rushes forward unable to hold himself back. he wraps his arms around the other and presses a kiss to the top of his head.he doesn’t know what healing is supposed to look like, but he prays that this is it. prays that yoongi’s getting better. prays he isn’t losing him.△that night, after holding yoongi for a long. long. time. jeongguk leads the other to his bedroom. clutches the other’s hand and rests his head on his chest.“taehyung wants to know if you’re alright. namjoon does too. they all do.” (i do too)“i’m okay.” (i’m trying)“i care about you. you can tell me if things aren’t alright.” (i love you)“i know.” (thank you)“how do you feel right now?” (what can i do to help you?)“better than before.” (but not that great)“are you warm enough?” (i love you so much)“yeah. i’m warm.” (i love you too)△jeongguk wakes up to yoongi’s fingers carding through his hair.he makes a happy sound of content and nuzzles his face against the other’s shirt.yoongi pauses when he realizes he’s awake.jeongguk peers up at the other. there’s a troubled look on his face.“i haven’t been fair to you.” yoongi eventually says.jeongguk sleepily turns in his lap. “what do you mean?”yoongi’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. “it’s been over a week, and i still haven’t explained myself very well.” his fingers start playing with jeongguk’s hair again. “i’ve been trying to find the right way to articulate what i want to say, but it never comes out right.”“it’s fine hyung.” jeongguk says delicately. he blinks slowly, suddenly very conscious and aware. “i can wait.”“you shouldn’t have to.”yoongi’s fingers continue running through his hair.“i killed my family in that fire.”“hyung.” jeongguk says carefully. “you don’t have to-”“i want to.” yoongi interrupts him. “you said you heard rumors about me before we met. they’re true. i was just too much of coward to confirm them.”“you aren’t a coward.”yoongi inhales. “you’re making this so hard.”jeongguk’s eyes widen. “i’m sorry. i’ll stop. i’ll be quie-”“you think i’m such a great fucking person, and i don’t understand.”jeongguk’s about to protest, but yoongi doesn’t let him.“i killed my family in that fire. i didn’t realize fire spread if it wasn’t contained. i didn’t even notice it was spreading. i just felt the heat surround me like a blanket. i just wanted to feel warm.” yoongi drops his head. “at one point i reached out to touch it. thought that if i could only get a little closer it would work, the cold would go away.” yoongi pauses. “it didn’t.”jeongguk watches the other in silence.“i should’ve died in that fire. the hospital had no idea how i managed to survive. they told me it was a miracle. that i was a miracle. i tried to tell him it was my fault, but they didn’t believe me. they just saw me as some blind kid who was given a second chance.”yoongi’s hand falls from jeongguk’s hair and rests against the juncture between his neck and shoulder.“i was so mad at myself, infuriatingly so, but not because i had killed them. that was guilt more than anything. i was mad because after everything fire had taken from me, i still couldn’t let it go.” he pauses.  “i kept the piano too, you know. out of everything that could’ve survived, that piano was what was salvaged.”jeongguk reaches up to rest his hand on top of yoongi’s scarred one.“back when you kissed me in my apartment, you told me you wanted to burn with me, and that scared me so fucking much.” yoongi exhales shakily. “i don’t want you to burn away. you’re so warm all of the time, and not just in the physical sense. everything about you is warm from your words to your thoughts to every breath you take.”yoongi runs his hand up to jeongguk’s face. rests his palm on his cheek.“i didn’t want you to burn, and so i pushed you away. i told myself the further you were the better, but then taehyung told me you were sad. he asked me what i did to you. i thought i was helping you by not getting close. when i learned that i wasn’t helping, that i was hurting you, i lost it. i got trapped in this destructive headspace and just wanted to burn.”jeongguk stares into yoongi’s pale eyes wordlessly. finds himself easily lost in them. lost in yoongi.“you had saved me from the two fatal fires i’ve ever purposefully set. do you know what i told myself when i was in my apartment? that the third one’s always the charm.”△“i don’t know how else i can help him.” jeongguk says. “he’s in so much...pain, and there’s nothing i can do.”“from the sound of it you’ve already done a lot, jeongguk.” namjoon replies.“he’s talking to you, which must mean something.”jeongguk slumps over. “he thinks he doesn’t deserve me. i don’t know how to show him he does.”“i think you are showing him though. by just being there.” jimin says.taehyung nods his head. “i’ve known yoongi hyung for a few years, and he’s never opened up about himself to me.”“i just feel like there’s more i can do for him.”and that, jeongguk realizes, that’s something that never goes away. for anyone. the feeling that no matter how much you’ve done, you haven’t done enough. because when it comes to the suffering of those who matter, those who mean something, there’s never quite enough we can do for them. there’s always more to give. always more ways to help. more ways to care.yoongi’s heart is an etch-a-sketch, and jeongguk doesn’t know how to erase the pain.but after a few moments of contemplating, he wonders if healing is erasing pain or if it’s just learning to live with it.△jeongguk gets him a piano.it isn’t much. he finds one at a thrift store a few blocks from his apartment. it’s brown like the one from yoongi’s childhood, not that yoongi would be able to tell.it seems like the right thing to do.yoongi told him he used to play in order to feel better. used to play because the sound of piano music comforted him.in the realm of healing, isn’t comfort and feeling better the start? it’s not confronting the pain or coming to terms to it. it’s not accepting the fire or opposing it. it’s finding a way to breathe without suffocating. a way to live without burning.taehyung, namjoon, and jimin help him carry it up to his apartment.yoongi’s asleep when they get there, and jeongguk wakes him with a shake and a “hyung, i want to show you something.”yoongi, with drowsy eyes and dragging feet, follows jeongguk into the room where the piano and the others stand.“it’s late, guk-ah.” he mumbles while jeongguk drags him to the piano.“i know hyung, but i think you’ll like this. i hope you like this.”jeongguk guides yoongi’s hand to a piano key and presses down. the piano hums beneath them like the beginning of a slow song. like a promise.yoongi’s jaw goes slack in shock. “you got me a piano?”“it’s the least i could do.”“it’s the least any of us could do.” taehyung speaks up.yoongi stiffens at the other’s voice, but then he relaxes.before yoongi can say anything, taehyung’s talking. confessing. apologizing for not being there when he should’ve been.and namjoon’s stepping in. apologizing as well. muttering his guilt for judging when he shouldn’t have.jimin’s there too. telling yoongi he hopes he feels better. thanking him for making jeongguk happier.and in response, yoongi’s apologizing back, saying it’s okay, saying he’s getting better. all with a small smile. all with his fingers lightly tracing over the piano keys.the smile may not be completely genuine, but yoongi’s trying. he’s trying to appear as if he’s getting better. as if the piano is the catalyst to his recovering state.jeongguk knows it isn’t one hundred percent true. knows the piano won’t fix it. knows they still have a long way to go.but yoongi’s trying, and that’s all that matters.△later that night yoongi and jeongguk sit at the piano.yoongi’s playing a song soft like warm cotton and woolen blankets wrapped around bodies. he’s playing a melody like the peaceful crackling of a fire during the holidays.jeongguk’s eyes are closed as he rests his head on yoongi’s shoulder.at one point yoongi’s scarred fingers stop dancing across the keys, and jeongguk opens his eyes.the other turns to him, pale irises always searching for something but never finding it. “can i touch you?”“yes.” jeongguk breathes.yoongi slowly brings his hand up to jeongguk’s face. “i don’t know if i’d be able to handle seeing you.” yoongi’s thumb brushes across his cheek. “you’re already unbelievably beautiful like this.”jeongguk blushes, but he doesn’t pull away. he just stares at yoongi with wide. wide. eyes.yoongi hasn’t exactly recovered, hasn’t truly gotten better, but he’s getting somewhere.jeongguk smiles into the shadows of the night.tracing over the other’s gentle features, he realizes he isn’t burning. he’s warm, yes, but it’s nothing like the flames that once consumed his every bone. his every vein.sitting with yoongi on that piano bench, jeongguk realizes he doesn’t feel alone either. he doesn’t feel foolish for trying, for caring, because it’s gotten him this far. it’s lead him here. it's lead him to yoongi.yoongi who was pulled to jeongguk because he made him feel warm. yoongi who just wanted to find heat in a cold world.yoongi once told jeongguk that he thought they lived tangent lives, and jeongguk never truly understood what he meant by that. he always thought they were polar opposites contrasting each other.but now, as he recounts the past few months he’s known the other, he realizes perhaps yoongi was right.perhaps they aren’t that different.△“prometheus brought fire to humans and saved mankind. you brought fire, a different fire, to me and saved a piece of humanity i couldn’t.”