Work Text
I sighed as I put on my ushanka, the revolutionary red star facing the front. I loved how I changed in the past few months, going from a mindless capitalist puppet to a revolutionary communist, all because I decided to open my mind and observe what really went on in the world. The world's full of bankers who launch warfare on other citizens just to make money. It's sick; workers need to rise up and overthrow them!Tails is fully with me on embracing such a beautiful ideology, but I don't know where he is. Shadow, however, isn't, and that's why I turned him into a trophy. I don't need to deal with greedy capitalists on a daily basis. All they think about is money and exploiting people.Speaking of, I got invited to a greedy, disgusting meeting of capitalists at Subspace, chaired by five bourgeois: Master Hand, Bowser, Wario, Ganondorf and Tabuu. These five all bathe in their cash while everyone else starves! We need to overthrow them and set up a perfect communist utopia where everyone's equal!Although I condemn all forms of capitalism and private ownership, I'm going to it simply to spread my message.Before making my way to Subspace, I grab my holy scriptures: The Communist Manifesto. I put on a Che Guevara shirt and slip on some black skin-tight jeans before I lower my gloves' wristbands low enough that I can see the red-and-yellow hammer-and-sickle tattoos on my wrists. It's time to STOP hiding the fact that I'm a proud Marxist!I press a button, resulting in my teleporting to Subspace. There, I see Marth, Roy and Ike. The Fire Emblem gang all stare at me."Wow…" Ike said in a brainwashed puppet sort of way, "So… You're a Commie then, Sonic?""I sure am!" I exclaimed revolutionarily as I do a fist pump in the air."Hahaha! What a joke!" Marth laughed fascistly. I give the misogynistic, islamophobic, racist bigot the finger."Interesting," Roy stated in a way someone would if they wanted to learn more about the wonderful ideology of Marxism, "Our planet doesn't allow that.""Because your world's full of capitalist pigs who keep the proletariat dumbed down," I stated rebelliously."No, because Communism is a bad ideology. It was formed by envy," Marth mansplained as I literally see coins in his greedy, bourgeois eyes."You do NOT talk about Communism like that! Communism helped get labor laws for the working class, while you greedy capitalists exploited us!" I yelled feministly. Dear Lenin in heaven, how can people be this STUPID?"What about the Soviet Union and their abuses?" Marth spits out his typical capitalist propaganda that a bureaucracy of rich 1 percenters control."Only people against our revolutionary ideas went in the gulags," I said in a bold, socialist voice."You're a liar!" Marth stated in a tone sympathetic to the imperialist nature of SATANIC CAPITALISM!"Huh… I do support workers' rights though," Roy stated in a wise, revolutionary voice, "If that's what Communism stands for, count me in."I grin as I gained a new comrade. Together, me and Roy can convert this den of brainwashed followers of bourgeois puppeteers to our cause, then we can overthrow the establishment! All I know is, Marth's on the wrong side of history.Watch out, Nazi, because Communism is coming back.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Marth glares at Roy the same way a banker glares at a person for paying 4.99% interest on a loan instead of 5%. I can see his ugly, selfish lack of a soul leaking out of his eyes."Roy! Communism is bad! Communists killed over 100 million people!" Marth stated in a voice of false-consensus."Don't believe him, Roy. Communists only killed those who shows hate or selfishness towards others," I warned progressively."I wanna learn more," Roy declared in a strong voice on behalf of all those waking up from the capitalist brainwashing machine."Fine. Go talk to your new boyfriend," Marth said homophobically.I feel my eyes twitch as everything inside of me bursts. I'M TRIGGERED. I HATE when people make fun of people SYSTEMICALLY OPPRESSED under these capitalist dictatorships! They will be the first to go to our reeducation camps!"Don't you DARE make fun of LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA people, you homophobic NAZI!" I yelled like a legendary social justice warrior.Wide-eyed, Marth stomps away, while Ike gives me a sympathetic stare before he follows suits. Who needs those capitalist bozos anyways? They will need to change once I get our communist system set up, though. Society should be satisfied before the selfish wants of these fascists.With only me and Roy left, I taught him the wonderful words and teachings of great, virtuous men like Lenin, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao Zedong, Fidel Castro and Ho Chi Minh. I teach him the ills of racism, homophobia and transphobia put on us by thieving capitalists. After, I also explain that the 99 percenters shouldn't starve while the 1 percenters run everything and make us slaves. I last teach him about the disgusting suffering third-worlders are going through because capitalists are forcing them to make clothes for pennies an hour. As I explain everything, Roy nods."I am a communist... Sonic, I AM A COMMUNIST!" Roy proclaimed revolutionarily. I can imagine "The Internationale" playing in the background as he proclaims his alignment against the capitaliNAZIS!"We need to convert the others, Comrade Roy," I stated gloriously, the elegant voice of Vladimir Lenin flowing out of my mouth as I move it."Down with capitalism!" Roy proclaimed. In the air, I can hear the millions of people killed by capitalist oppression cheering him on.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
After Roy's awakening, we walk down the Subspace halls, curious on who we will find. By now, Roy cut a star-shaped mark onto his cheek with his sword, the blood coating the area into that glorious red star. People look at him like he's stupid; trust me, we're the two most woke individuals here; we're not living in the lies and the hate that these dumb "anarcho-capitalists" do. What a pathetic ideology.We go down the line and spot Wolf O'Donnell, who glares at my shirt. Feeling like his eyes were FUCKING RAPING ME, I turned around, threw the middle finger at him, and threatened to #MeToo his patriarchy-supporting ass.By Wolf stands both Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi, who both literally wouldn't be in existence if it wasn't for war. I hate war; it's used only to make the 1% richer. Everyone should live in peace."What are you doing here?" Falco murmured as he saw my revolutionary attire stitched and created by the greatest workers. I shop at pro-communist stores because I know my products don't come from terrible capitalist sweatshops."I'm here to convert everyone to Marxism-Leninism, what does it look like?" I declared as epically as the slaughter Joseph Stalin did during Operation Uranus against the evil fascist Adolf Hitler's 6th Army in Stalingrad.Falco glares at me, every bullet, bomb and missile from every capitalist military regime manifesting themselves in his eyes."That's not gonna happen, dude," Falco stated in his pro-oppression, intelligentsia, military-complex voice."YES IT WILL!" I shouted in his stupid, helmet-covered face he uses as he bombs little children when he exercises his imperialist mindset, "Communism will last forever, because us workers are SICK of your oppression!""Communism killed and oppressed hundreds of millions of people," Wolf repeated his DISGUSTING, COMPLETELY UNTRUE propaganda.I'm literally shaking right now."Communists only killed greedy bureaucrats who waged war against the working class! How many people have YOU killed, Wolf?!""I never killed people. I only killed communists," Wolf stated in a blood-thirsty voice that reminds me of Polish loser Rafal Ganowicz.By now, Fox McCloud pays attention to the conversation, intrigued."Wolf, you and Andross welcomed that greedy, corporatist TRAITOR Pigma with open arms after he killed my father!" Fox shouted, "And Falco! You're teaming up with him, you traitor!""Oh please, Fox. We all know I'm the powerhouse of Star Fox Team! Join us, because the Lylan System depends on our corporations!" Falco commanded patriarchily, the disgusting corruption of the "liberal" United States Democratic Party's corporatist ideas flowing from his dumb beak.Liberals are disgusting, pro-capitalist, anti-poor creatures, propped up by rich celebrities rather than the working class! They manipulate the works of Karl Marx, Saul Alinsky and other brilliant intellectuals to only enrich themselves with CORPORATIST GREED."No!" Fox stated gloriously. I had hope for him, until he utters his next ignorant phrase, "We need to be in a free market, where the corporations and the government aren't propping each other! That's what I believe as a Conservative!"I cringed. Conservatives like Fox McCloud are disgusting, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist, transmisogynistic, bigoted warmongers. But I need to temporarily ally with Fox in order to overthrow the corporatist patriarchy on behalf of all the oppressed women! That I must do!"Join the Revolution then, Fox!" I offered with every ounce of my virtuous soul."I'll think about it..." Fox stated before he leaves.I stare at Roy, who shrugs back at me. Sighing, I walk away from the two Nazis."Man, Roy," I sighed, "Why are these idiots so stupid?""Exactly. But never give up, Comrade!" Roy stated in the same tone a Soviet quality educational film would, "We'll win this fight!""Yes..." I replied as I raise my fist in the air, "Communism will win!"After our celebration, the door to the main areas of the Subspace area opens, and a pre-recorded voice fills the arena."Smashers, please come into the auditorium. Our meeting of developed capitalist universes will start."I grin more than Fidel Castro when he met with Nikita Khrushchev. Now's the time the multiverse can get a taste of Communism!
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I enter the auditorium. On the stage are Tabuu, Wario, Ganondorf, Master Hand and Bowser, surrounded by a ton of charts showing corporate "profits" (aka money gained by the BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS of the working class due to the corporate owners' GREED). Dozens of other Smashers are seated in the auditorium, making googly eyes at the graphs. I study them, scouting potential comrades. I see Link, Zelda, Peach, Daisy and the Mario Gang; I have no hope for converting them, as they're all Monarchist slobs. Monarchy is a terrible, class-based system of rule that should be abolished. I used to be a fierce Monarchist before I opened my bigoted eyes.Their rivalry with Ganondorf, Bowser and Wario is only controlled opposition. They all love oppressing the proletariat together, but they only can if they all have an enemy.On the other hand, I see Pikachu, Ivysaur, Mewtwo and the other Pokemon. If anything, they are the most promising. Their basic rights are taken away when they're enslaved in tiny enclosures by patriarchy-protecting slobs, and they're forced to fight each other, not for their gain, but for THE POKEMON MASTER'S GAIN! Pokemon literally get injured and faint just to enrichen their masters! The Pokemon can rise with me and create a worker-based government!I turn to Roy, pointing at the Pokemon with my eyes before he glances at them and smirks."Perfect," he stated in a soothing, Pol Pot-like voice.We sit down by Captain Falcon, who ONCE AGAIN VISUALLY RAPES my shirt and my hammer-and-sickle tattoos in curiosity before focusing back on Master Hand, who stands up and starts speaking."Good morning, everyone," Master Hand greeted corporately, "Today, we will talk about the status of Capitalism and trade in our universes!"Everyone applauds, which makes me sick. Capitalism is a disgusting, racist ideology that exploits poor, third-worlders with penny work while enriching bureaucrats. We need a system where we need to tariff countries that abuse their populations! Focus on the workers now, idiots!"Capitalism and our business owners are why we're all so successful," Master Hand continues his nonsense that's more propagandist than The Protocols of the Elders of Zion (which is saying A LOT!). Fun fact: CAPITALIST MONOPOLY AT&T owned all the telecommunication systems until the government broke it. Within a decade, cell phones and smart phones came! Capitalism was the enemy of progress then! Meanwhile, government funding helped create things like radar and GPS!Every brainwashed fool here claps fascistly, the racist clapping reminiscent of Adolf Hitler's racism in the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games. I look around the room and study whoever's clapping. I beamed; the Pokemon characters refuse to clap! Not once did they! They can be our new comrades!"Now. Our most important goal is to make a profit. If the government demands labor laws or unions, we need to be absolutely against them, because that destroys our freedom of running our businesses how we want," Master Hand instructed. Fascism, misogyny and racism leaks from his voice as his eyes turn into dollar signs, "But everyone here: pretend you're gonna do something about it. We can NOT have the working class find out."I roll my eyes before looking at Roy. As I feel the revolutionary spirit of Marx and Engels infiltrate my soul, I stood up, fist in the air."The working class WILL have a revolution!" I declared on behalf of the socialist worker, "Mark my words!"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Everyone looks at me before doing the last thing I expected.They laughed at me.THEY LAUGHED at my advocation against the suffering of the working class! What heartless drudes!"Hahaha! Oh Sonic, you're too cute," Master Hand said bigotedly, "The working class would be poor without us.""NO! WE WOULD BE RICHER WITHOUT YOU AND YOUR 'PROFITS'" I shouted with 100% truth in my voice, "ONE DAY, ALL OF YOU WILL FALL TO THE REVOLUTION OF THE PROLETARIAT! IT WILL BE MULTIVERSE WIDE!"Bowser rolls his eyes, insulting the poor and the working class as he does so."Look, Hedgehog," the turtle freak said elitistly, "Get that crap outta here. This is nothing but an excuse to destroy the establishment we've set up.""THAT'S THE POINT!" I yelled back at his stupid face, "We're tired of your stupid wars! We don't want war. We don't want oppression. We don't want elites ruling us. No! We want to be TREATED FAIR! We want PEACE! We want the multiverse to be ruled ONLY by the working class!"I hear some claps from the other audience members, although I cannot tell where they came from. Likewise, some corporatist Nazis boo at me like the booed at the USSR's labor laws, but who cares; they'll be overthrown soon. The Panel members, however, glare at me."Sometimes, war is necessar-""NO IT ISN'T!" I interrupted Tabuu's fascist, imperialist speech, "The ONLY war necessary is Class War!"Some audience members clap again; this time, I see Samus (In her Zero-Suit) clapping and winking at me. I can see her trying to flirt me up by moving her upper body in an inviting way, but like every other Comrade to the Cause, my advocation for Communism and the working class is much more important than trying to get a girlfriend. They're just distractions.Soon, the entire auditorium erupts into multiple shouts, some for my cause while others against it. I observe my surroundings, picking and choosing who I can ally with."LIBERALISM is the answer!" Palutena cried in a bourgeois voice."Lady Palutena is right!" Pit whined."No! The world needs anarchism!" Ryu claimed racistly, his deep-seeded hatred for black people now showing, "Down with the Monarchy! Down with Communism! Down with liberalism!""Conservatism, the free market and the policies of President Donald Trump are THE best way!" Fox stated in his YeeHawwDist voice.The shouting continues, even escalating to a few slaps, before Tabuu turns the entire area dark."SHUT UP!" The Benito Mussolini reincarnate screamed, "The Monarchy stays! ALL of your systems suck and have proven not to work! ANYONE caught rebelling against the Monarchy will be kicked out!"Everyone quiets down before homophobe stares at me."Sonic. Get out of my auditorium," Tabuu voiced."Wha-""GET OUT!" he shouted authoritarianly, violating the freedom of speech that should be exercised only when standing for the working class like me.I was about to reject his commands, but a force overcomes me and I float out of the auditorium.MY REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE STOPPED!Mark my words, Comrades.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I sat outside the auditorium for who knows how long. I was fuming as I've heard mentions of corporate abuse to people, animals and the environment. I swear these monsters will pay dearly for the acts they committed!Maybe about ten minutes later, everyone claps before the entrance bursts open. Many characters pass me before Roy joins up with me."How'd it go?" I asked importantly."Just the same old crap," Roy sighed, "But good news. We have some allies! Everyone, come out!"Lucina, Samus, Meta Knight, Ivysaur, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Mewtwo, Lucario, Charizard, Squirtle and Wii Fit Trainer step out of the auditorium and surround Roy and me. Seeing the sight, something bulges (it was my eyes, you sicko!) before I give everyone a smirk."Pikapikapikapikapikapikapika!" Pikachu stated. I stare at xim/xer (I don't mean to be transphobic; I just don't know the pronouns Pikachu identifies xim/nir/zemselves, and I don't want to offend like these casserole-eating Middle America bigots would!) in confusion before Roy nods."Pikachu said your speech was inspiring," my life-long Comrade in the cause translated for me."Wait... You understand the Pokemon?" I questioned."Oh yeah! We're all from Japan. Like, literally everyone here but you and Wii Fit Trainer," Roy replied.I nodded, surprised. Here I am with a bunch of Japanese people. Now, I don't mean to be racist, because I'm not a right-wing Nazi. I love Japanese people, and they are one of the races that make up our beautiful diverse countries. But Japanese people are some of the most anti-communist people the world have ever seen. Their government's straight up fascists; World War 2 under Showa and Tojo proved that!"Wait. Japan? How'd you all get to your universes?" I questioned, curious."Oh, we invaded every game universe. To take them over, we used our tremendous, most feared weapon: anime," Roy said."Hmm. This anime... We should use it as a weapon also, not to kill, but to further spread the information of our cause," I suggested, making sure to add the last part to keep in touch with my virtuous, pacifist, peace-loving personality.Roy shrugged, "Anime's already used by racist, alt-right Nazi supporters on 4Chan. Maybe more anime can combat them."The Japanese World War 2 complex must still be strong within them. Don't forget that we Communists slaughtered the fascists then, and we WILL do the same now."I'm from an alien planet," Samus corrected."Samus! That's offensive to immigrants!" I reprimanded her in a socialist way, "You're from an UNDOCUMENTED planet!""Right," she corrected herself in a way an enlightened, woke individual would.Wii Fit Trainer then looks at me before asking, "Wait! What's our stance on immigrants?""There are no stances on them, because they, as citizens in their own world, can go wherever they want. You see, Communism will be a world-wide belief. The working class of EVERY corner of the world will be the rulers of one world government. With one government, there will be no wars, and we, as citizens of the world, will care for each other without the blinding effects that cultures bring like racism. We will only have one culture: the culture of the working class, and we will only have one religion: the speeches of Lenin combined with the teachings of Karl Marx found in The Communist Manifesto!" I exclaimed communistically.Everyone looks at me before they start clapping. I smile as I raise my clenched fist in the air."For socialism!" I cried."For socialism!" the characters repeated.