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Connor didn't drink. He wasn't the type of guy to get drunk because, honestly, alcohol did things to your body that felt like you didn't have any control over who you are anymore. It fucked you up in such a way that you started acting completely different than you normally would. You became this make-happy person who is friends with everyone until one guy starts to irritate you. You get sick, you get dizzy, you experience such nasty things and you wouldn't remember them in the morning.Connor tried drinking once. At a party. He was sixteen years old when a neighbor tricked him on going to a club with him and his friends. Connor drank so much that night he needed to go to the hospital. He didn't remember a lot from what happened, actually nothing, but heard from that same neighbor he drank so much alcohol he went into a coma for a few days. His mom was disappointed, his dad yelled at him for hours and Zoe didn't even come to visit him. He was so sober at that moment he started crying and shaking because of the stress his father was causing him. Drugs, those were a different story. Connor felt like drugs didn't shut off your brain like alcohol. It made it more active, if you took the right drugs at least. His go-to drug was marijuana. He smoked it so much he was almost always high, but it helped him cope with his environment. Other drugs, like LSD or Ketamine, were used on more special occasions. When he was really down deep or wanted to escape the world for a bit, he would use those drugs. He never used them around his parents, either. He went to Safe Space, a place in the nearby city where all kinds of people would come together and do drugs. It was a literal safe space to use drugs since the cops from that area were paid off every month to keep the location a secret. And he was at Safe Space, a place he had been a few times. Locals, people who were there all the time, started to recognize him. A guy named Joaquin started to hang out with Connor when he went there. Joaquin started to provide drugs for Connor when he didn't have any money to buy drugs.It was the last day of summer vacation, and Connor was at Safe Space. Joaquin pushed a cup into Connor's hands. It was a liquid that didn't smell too bad but not nice either. "I can see the Ketamine wearing off," he told Connor over the loud music playing. "so here's a little something to pep you up a bit." Joaquin pointed at the cup and gave Connor a wink. "How long does it last?" He didn't want to tell Joaquin he needed to go to school the next day and didn't want to be tripping in school, and if it would last long he could use it as an excuse to skip school."Give or take five hours."Connor looked at his phone, it was two in the morning. Maybe he could still use it as an excuse.He drank the liquid, still not knowing what it was, but he trusted Joaquin. Joaquin knew just what Connor needed to get him going again. Joaquin smiled and walked away, leaving Connor and the cup alone.The first hour nothing happened. Connor was waiting for it to kick in whilst the Ketamine was already wearing off. He first thought it was a scam, that nothing would happen and Joaquin just tricked him, but he didn't pay for the liquid so he scrapped that thought. After an hour, it started working. His head started hurting, the room suddenly went cold and his stomach started feeling funny. A sudden thought made him scan the room for Joaquin: was something wrong with Connor that he felt so bad? He knew certain drugs made you feel bad but not as bad as Connor was feeling at that moment. He started walking and searching when he started feeling at ease. A warm feeling filled his body when he heard the music as clear as he could and the room colored warm colors instead of the bright blue it was a few moments ago. He stopped walking and took a moment to listen to the music. It was very nice. He closed his eyes for a moment and started to move slowly to the beat. Another sudden thought: he needed to find Joaquin to know what he gave Connor, maybe, if Connor had easy access to whatever it was, he could pour it into the coffee at home before people woke up. His mom, dad and sister would be relaxed for a few hours and maybe Connor could finally have a normal talk in the morning. Or, even better, it would start working when his parents would be at work and Zoe would be at school and that would be fucking hilarious. A smile formed on his face, his plan was amazing and he should really do it the next morning. He suddenly realized the smile on his face that only grew wider and wider and knew it wasn't the effect he wanted to get out of drugs. He needed to find Joaquin, he wanted an explanation. He didn't want drugs to make him happy, if he wanted just that he would chug some alcohol. So he walked through the room and finally found Joaquin. His headache was even worse when he found him."Connor, where have you been? I've been searching for you for quite a while. How are you feeling?" Joaquin greeted him. Connor looked at his phone, again, to discover it was already four thirty in the morning. It didn't feel like two hours and a half already passed."I don't feel very good. My head hurts, my stomach too, and not the normal little stomachache I'm used to." "Ah," Joaquin nodded his head, "that's very normal. You see, mushrooms are a little more aggressive when it comes to getting sick.""You gave me mushrooms?" Panic and anger tried filling Connor's body, he knew damn well what kind of effects mushrooms could have, but he was washed over with calmness. "Yeah, you seemed like you could use some of that. Connor, being happy once in a while doesn't hurt anyone." Connor knew Joaquin was right, but he didn't want to be happy. He wanted to be calm."Don't do that to me ever again!" He pushed Joaquin, the calm feeling was suddenly gone. Joaquin's behavior was terrible, the guy knew what Connor liked and what not. Why would he ever do such things?Connor turned around, feeling someone was watching them. Behind him, he saw a big shadow towering over him. Connor knew it wasn't real because shadows didn't have any eyes or such things, but if it wasn't real then why would he see it? He turned back to Joaquin, who pointed out that Connor looked very pale and insisted he would bring Connor back home."I think you're sinking into a trip, it's not safe if you go home alone." "A trip?" His chest tightened. He never insisted on tripping balls, and he made that very clear to Joaquin before. "Hey, I didn't think it would happen, because with the amount you drank from that mushroom-tea there was only a very small chance you would start to experience a trip."Connor looked back over his shoulder, the shadow stood closer. He pushed Joaquin away and ran away. He knew the shadow was following him but he didn't want to turn around to look at it. Connor ran through the streets of the city, all the way back home. He was scared, so damn scared. He was tripping, he was fucking tripping and a shadow was following him and it felt like hours were passing and he still wasn't out of the trip. Would he ever get out of the trip? His heart starting beating faster.He finally arrived home. He climbed through the window and closed it, looking outside, searching for the shadow figure. It was gone. He grabbed the small box of joints from under his bed and lit it up. He needed to calm down, and quick. He sat on his bed with eyes closed, hoping the weed would help against those mushrooms he took.Breakfast came quick. He was still feeling like shit but at least the effects of those mushrooms started wearing off. He poured milk in his bowl of cereal, filling it until every last drop was in the now completely full bowl. He screwed the lid back on the carton and set it aside. His dad was already at the table, his mom was making some eggs and bacon for his dad."I'm not going to school," Connor stated, not looking away from his bowl. Zoe came in and took a seat facing Connor. "I will go tomorrow, I'm not feeling like it today.""It's your senior year, Connor. You are not missing the first day." His mom answered, placing the eggs and bacon on a plate and handed it to his dad. "I already said I'd go tomorrow. I'm just trying to find a compromise here." He heard Zoe sigh from the other side of the table but chose to ignore it. He stared at the now soggy cereal in his bowl. He wasn't really hungry so he didn't really know why he even made breakfast. "He's definitely high," he heard Zoe say from across the table. He didn't notice a conversation went on when he was looking at his cereal, but he felt a sudden burst of anger. He pushed his bowl forwards."Fuck you.""Fuck you!" Zoe shouted back.Connor stared at Zoe, his eyes pinning on her. He saw her lips move but he heard nothing because he was focussing on his thoughts about how fucking awful Zoe actually is and how she could be so popular if she was such an awful person."I don't want you going to school high, Connor."Connor saw his chance. "Perfect," he answered, standing up. "so then I won't go." He walked out of the kitchen and yelled a "Thanks, mom!" before disappearing in his room again.Connor knew it was gonna be a hard day.
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Connor was at school. To prove a point to his parents that even when he was high, he could still function in school. Also to rebel a bit, his mom told him to not go to school high, and now he was doing it. It wasn't like he really was going to pay attention to the classes he had, which was mostly an introduction to his new teachers and the new subjects of his classes.He wasn't in the building for maybe a solid minute when-"Hey, Connor. I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic." He paused. Connor stopped walking and shot a glance at the person making the comment. Of course, it couldn't be anyone else then Jared fucking Kleinman. Jared was grinning and he didn't realize how much Connor wanted to punch that grin off of Jared's face, but he collected himself.Apparently, Jared saw the annoyance and anger on Connor's face."I was kidding. It was a joke.""Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing" Connor bit, staring angrily at Jared, "can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" Jared laughed nervously, looking at Connor in such a way Connor couldn't even describe it. It wasn't hate, it wasn't annoyance, it wasn't fear as some people had in their eyes when looking at Connor."You're such a freak," he said, looking at Connor one last time. He turned around on his heels and walked away.The words had hit Connor very hard. Those kinds of words got thrown at him almost every day he was in school. Words like freak, weirdo, druggie, and fag. It has been a few months since he heard those words from other people than Zoe. Connor knew why those people said those words about him because he knew they were true, but today those words were a really hard blow.Connor turned around and saw another guy standing there, laughing too."What the fuck are you laughing at?""What?""Stop fucking laughing at me." Connors body tensed up."I'm not." The guy spoke. Connor wasn't a fool. He knew the guy was making fun of him, just like Jared Kleinman."You think I'm a freak?" Connor balled his fists, ready to take action any moment, rage was going through his body."No, I don't-""I'm not the freak," He tried to push most of his rage down, he already had a shitty night, he didn't want to have a shitty morning either. Not one where he needed to go to the principal, at least."But I wasn't-""You're the fucking freak!" He shoved the kid to the ground while passing by. It was better than doing nothing, and erupting in pure rage later that day. Connor needed to do something without really harming the kid. He walked towards the bathroom. Connor didn't feel like attending the first period, which was physics, anymore.-----School ended. Everyone interested in an extracurricular activity was still in school, Connor was just about to leave. He eventually attended about four classes, and he felt a bit proud because at the beginning of the day he never thought he would attend half of his classes but he actually did.Connor caught the sight of the kid he pushed, standing in the computer lab. The kid seemed lonely. Lonely like Connor.Connor wasn't a bad guy, he really wasn't. But with people bullying him, a small anger issue and a drug addiction, life was very hard to keep control over. And sometimes he did something he would regret later. Like shoving the kid. Connor assumed the kid had it tough, being alone in a computer lab with a broken arm. Connor hadn't even noticed the cast. What if the kid had fallen on it when he pushed him to the ground? He needed to say something, just some small talk, just to let the kid know he actually is a nice guy.He walked into the room, hearing the printer buzz and spitting out a paper with a text on it, starting with 'Dear Evan Hansen'. He assumed it was the kid's paper, and that Evan Hansen was his name. He grabbed the paper and walked over to him, keeping a distance between them."So, what happened to your arm?" Evan turned around, slight fear on his face when he saw Connor. He looked at his cast like he forgot he had broken his arm."Oh," he nodded, again, like he had forgotten, "uhm, I fell out of a tree actually."Connor couldn't help but let out a stifled laugh. He fell out of a tree."That's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh, my god." He tried to sound light-hearted, non-threatening. But Evan Hansen still seemed scared, even though he tried to laugh along with Connor which failed miserably. Maybe it wasn't the best, Connor could've said so many things like 'I'm sorry' and 'Must've hurt' but he went for 'that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard'.Connor remembered the blank cast. "No one's signed your cast," he said, pointing at the thing."No, I know," Evan almost sounded sad, Connor wanted to do something for the kid, just to make it up for pushing him."I'll sign it.""Oh, uhm... You don't have too.""Do you have a sharpie?" Evan reached in his pocket, taking out a sharpie. Connor knew that damn thing was in his pocket all day, waiting for someone to say 'I'll sign your cast'. He handed it to Connor. Connor started writing his name, starting with the C that turned out way too big so he decided he could write his name that big since it didn't seem like someone else was going to sign it.With big eyes, Evan looked at the cast. "Oh, great. Thanks." Connor heard in Evan's voice that Evan didn't really mean it, but he just went with it. He knew the letters were too big."Now we both can pretend like we have friends."Connor suddenly remembered he still had that damn paper in his hands. He held it out a bit."Is this yours? I found it in the printer. 'Dear Evan Hansen', that's your name, right?"Evan's eyes grew even wider than when he looked at his cast. "Oh, that's just a stupid paper, it's an assignment I had to write for... Uhm..."Connor could help but let his eyes glide over the paper. Oh, I know. Because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me. Evan was writing about his sister. He was writing about Zoe. His hands started shaking and before Connor even fully realized, he was cursing at Evan, accusing him of making Connor try to freak out by reading the paper. He found himself shoving Evan a second time that day, but that time the kid didn't fall to the ground.Connor needed a smoke.-----He was sitting on his windowsill, legs dangling over the edge as he smoked a cigarette. No weed, he still needed to function a little bit in front of his parents. Connor questioned why he didn't just stay home that morning, like he said he would. There would have been no bullying and no shoving a kid to the ground two times, no freaking out. His senior year started out great.He thought about what he would do when he got out of high school, when he finished his senior year. He would move away as soon as he turned eighteen. He would go to the city, maybe Joaquin could give him a place to stay. Connor didn't want to go to college. But he knew, on his last day of senior year, his parents would discuss his life choices with him and how drugs are bad, maybe even consider therapy again 'so Connor could function as a normal human being again', like his dad once said."Connor, dinner!" He heard his mom yell from downstairs.Boy, this was going to be an interesting dinner, Connor could feel it. He took one last drag from his cigarette and tossed it in the garden, which his parents hated. But hey, at least he smoked with his window open so the whole house didn't smell like cigarettes and weed.He climbed back inside, closed his window, and went downstairs. His parents and Zoe were already sitting down and eating. Connor sat down too, looking at his plate. The food seemed alright. The room was filled with a tense vibe, his parents waiting a bit before the infamous question-"How was your first day at school, Connor?" His mom did seem really interested, honestly wanted to know what happened. His dad couldn't care less. Connor wanted to answer with a simple 'alright', even though his first day of school wasn't alright, but Zoe jumped in."Connor had lots of fun shoving a kid," she said, taking another bite of her food. Connor's body tensed up once again as he shot a glare at Zoe. She had seen it happen. And bringing it up, Connor knew it was going to be a lovely dinner."You did what?" His dad raised his voice, Connor never liked it when he did that. On the outside, he always seemed so unmoved by it, but on the inside, Connor wanted to crawl away into a dark corner or something. He couldn't stand it. He felt like a kid again, the kid who accidentally broke a window and the next day accidentally broke his neighbor's kid's arm because they were playing a serious game of tag and the kid happened to fell really bad. He still got the same feeling he got that day when his dad yelled at him, telling him to be more like Zoe and to not hurt people, even if it wasn't his fault. Connor tried to shake away that feeling, it didn't work."He was laughing at me!" Connor tried to defend himself. "He had trouble with the situation! You know how some people laugh when they are uncomfortable or scared? Because I talked to him, he's a really nervous kid. Situations where you curse out another guy, right next to him, it could make him a bit uncomfortable!"Connor slammed his hand on the table. "I was struggling too! If you had seen everything, Jared was pissing me off and that kid was laughing at the whole situation. I've had enough of you trying to make everything I do into a bad thing and acting like I'm a criminal!"Connor's dad slammed his hand on the table, too. Connor turned his head away from Zoe, locking eyes with his dad. His eyes were spitting fire. "And I've had enough of your behavior." Connor realized his dad's patience was gone. "Even over the summer, multiple times a week, we caught you doing stuff you shouldn't be doing. Hell, you robbed a store!""I was in a bad place. Maybe, if you did your parenting right, I wouldn't-"A hard smack silenced the room. Connor's cheek started tingling and feeling a bit painful. He tried to hold back tears as he went to his cheek with his own hand. The place was sensitive to his touch. His dad didn't seem to care. Connor tried to blink away tears. His mind got him back to another memory, when he was maybe thirteen years old. Zoe was blocking the hallway upstairs, asking Connor stuff about why he was trying to hang out with the cute boy from his class, calling Connor gay for liking the guy. Connor tried to go to his room, pushing Zoe to the side. The next thing he knew, Zoe was rushed to the ER because she fell down the stairs, and Larry had slapped him across his cheek, telling him how he never did anything right.Silently, Connor stood up again. This time, all kinds of emotions filled his body. He was furious, sad; he felt powerless. His shaking hands gripped the chair, and in a blind rage, he lifted it and smashed it on the floor. With no words left to say, he left the room and went upstairs again. He heard his mom whisper a quiet 'Connor', but it sounded so disappointed that he didn't even turn around to look at her.He locked himself up in his room. He sat down on his bed. He was thinking about leaving, texting Joaquin about going to Safe Space and really needing some drugs to calm him down. But he didn't. This was something drugs couldn't fix, something beyond fixing. It couldn't be fixed. He felt something poking in his side. Something in his pocket. It was Evan's letter. He had folded it neatly, wanting to return it to the kid but he couldn't bring himself to it. He wanted to return it because he wasn't a bad person, he was in a bad place. He read the letter, word for word. And he realized his life and thoughts were in that letter, of course, not the Zoe part but the rest was right. The rest was Connor. His body went on autopilot. He sat on his bed, staring at the wall of his bedroom or at the letter, thinking and silently crying without him even knowing he was crying, waiting until it was 1 AM and he was sure everyone was sleeping. He folded the letter again and pushed it back into the pocket of his jacket. He grabbed a bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, the keys to the car he shared with Zoe, and he was gone.He drove through the streets of his hometown, until he was on the very edge of the town, where the park was. He parked the car and mentally thanked Evan Hansen. He thanked him for unintentionally writing Connor's suicide note. In the morning he would be a story, a story about a depressed drug addict who killed himself with an overdose of pills. His mom would cry, definitely, his dad and Zoe on the other hand. It would be a small funeral, and not so long after his mom would be able to go on with her life. No one would miss him in the end. Or maybe they would, thanks to 'his' suicide note.The bottle was rattling in his pocket while he was walking towards the entrance of the park and entered, only to see a shadow on his left. Someone else was in the park. He hastily turned around, his heart beating in his chest. In the street lights, Connor saw it was someone he knew. Someone he had seen a few times that day.Evan Hansen.And the kid didn't really seem that happy himself.
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Connor froze at the sight of Evan. Connor didn't count on anyone being at the park, at that hour, on a Monday night. And he definitely didn't count on Evan to be there. Killing himself wasn't an option anymore, not at the park at least. He wanted to turn away, to walk out of the park and go somewhere else where he would be sure no one was. But the letter from Evan was poking in his pocket, the letter that was his perfect suicide note. Connor still felt the need to give it back.He could do one last act, an act of kindness. If in the morning anyone asked and Evan dared to speak up, people would hear Connor's last act would be a nice one. Returning Evan's letter, making a bit of small talk, being nice for once in his life.Connor caught himself staring at Evan when he locked eyes with the kid. He had been staring at him for so long that he felt as if someone was staring at him, and there was someone. That someone was Connor. Evan's eyes grew wide like he had been caught in a terrible act."What are you doing here?" Evan asked, body tensing up. Connor shot back the question."What are you doing here?" It sounded harsher than planned. Connor wasn't going to attack Evan, he just wanted a short talk and give back the letter. A silence fell between the two, a question that shouldn't be asked, it was a question they both didn't want to answer.Why didn't Evan want to answer the question?Connor grabbed the paper in his pocket, he would have no suicide letter but people would remember him a bit nicer than they thought he was. He stretched out his arm. With big eyes, Evan looked at the paper."This is yours," Connor murmured. Evan quickly grabbed the paper and pushed it into the pocket of his pants. There was something about the way Evan moved, the way Evan was acting, it wasn't the way he was acting before. He wasn't just nervous, it wasn't just that. Connor recognized the way Evan was moving, the glance in the eyes of the boy. Connor knew what was going on in Evan's mind because Connor had experienced it himself multiple times.Evan was desperate. But what for? Evan didn't have a terrible life, not like Connor's life at least. Evan was a shy, antisocial kid, that was true. But he had a loving family, Connor imagined. No disappointed mother, no father who slaps you across the face, no annoying sister. Hell, Evan even had a friend. A bitch of a friend, Jared was an enormous dick, but he at least had a friend. Evan was stable enough to have a summer job, Connor remembered he had seen the kid before in a park ranger uniform. So Evan had an alright life, right? Why was Evan desperate?Evan wasn't going to commit suicide, not on Connor's watch. The kid had too much to lose if he did just that. If he prevented that, and Evan went away he could do the thing he would forbid Evan to do."Can I talk to you for a moment, no stress whatsoever?" Evan nodded slowly, not sure how to respond. Connor sat himself down, looking up at Evan who followed shortly after that. The two were sitting on the soft grass, Connor stared into the distance. "I'm having the same thoughts as you, right now," he started, refusing to make eye contact with Evan. "And I could give you so many reasons to not do it, reasons I can't even give myself.""Yeah?" Evan sounded like he didn't believe a word Connor was saying. He didn't blame him. If Evan was as desperate as he thought he was, that meant Evan was really messed up."Yeah, for example, you have a healthy relationship with your family,""What you can call healthy,"Connor sighed. It was going to be like that. He needed to pull everything out he got, he needed to really hurt himself for Evan. God, when did he make the decision to be the guardian angel of the kid, to make sure Evan wouldn't kill himself. He didn't know the kid."You don't abuse drugs, you're not generally hated by everyone who knows you, you don't have anger issues, you have good grades," Connor summed up, feeling his heart beating loud in his chest. He was killing himself so the kid wouldn't. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Evan staring at the distance, just like how Connor was doing it. Connor was going to do something stupid, he knew it as soon as the thought popped up in his head. He didn't even bother to stop it from rolling over his lips."Do you have a crush on my sister?" He turned his head around so he could look at Evan. The shock on his face would be priceless in any other given situation."I get it. I guess she looks like this picture-perfect girl with a great personality, or whatever," he looked away from Evan again and laid himself down in the grass. Guilt was creeping on him, again. "I'm sorry I freaked out because Zoe was in your letter, it wasn't a great response."Connor closed his eyes. He was such a fucking mess."It's alright, you didn't hurt me, so," Evan spoke softly. "Yes," Connor replied, "I didn't hurt you, physically, maybe. But how was it mentally? Surely I did that shit and because I was being a freak you got triggered in a way and now you're sitting here with me." Silence fell again. Connor didn't expect an answer on what he said. If it wasn't true, Evan would tell him and give him reasons why he was at the park at 2 AM, but Evan stayed quiet.They stayed quiet for a while. It was nice, it was something Connor needed. He needed some peace and quiet and he needed a talk with Evan and now he felt a little bit better. Evan was nice, he was someone Connor could talk to from time to time and then he at least had someone to talk to. Maybe Evan felt the same."You're nice," Connor said, opening one eye to see the look on Evan's face. "You're a kind person, Evan, I can't see how you got any problems. I can't see how you're talking to a guy like me at the moment." Connor closed his eye again."You're nice too," Connor chuckled and shook his head. "It's true!" He heard Evan from beside him. "If you have problems your day can't always go as you planned it would go, and for you, it's pushing someone or something like that, but you are sorry for what you did. You don't want to do it but because you are so caught up in a moment you do something stupid and regret it later." Evan was right. Evan was damn right. Evan understood Connor better than his own family understood him. A strange feeling came over Connor. He felt how a bond started forming between the two of them. It has been a long time since he felt like he could trust someone, he could actually talk to someone who wouldn't judge him. He moved, turned himself to lay flat on his stomach, head resting on his arms that laid in front of him. The bottle of pills in his pocket poked in his side. He had forgotten about the pills for a moment."Maybe we both shouldn't commit suicide and hold on to each other for dear life," Connor suggested. "Gotta warn you, my life is so damn messed up, I'm not sure if you have ever seen anything like that in your life. I mean, your life is bad too, otherwise, you wouldn't be here, but my life is a real shitshow. A family who couldn't care less, no friends, drugs, anger, everything I said before. Hell, Evan Hansen, could you possibly handle me at my worst?" Connor had a soft smile on his face. The thought of the both of them coming to the park at midnights, to talk about everything that had happened and everything they were worried about. It was a nice thought. He was a handful, and Evan wasn't the strongest guy he knew, but they could get through it. Connor really believed that. "You have too much to live for, Evan. How could you possibly kill yourself?" He questioned out loud. No response. There hadn't been much response from Evan's side. "Evan?" Silence. Connor rolled back on his back, opened his eyes and pushed himself upright. Evan was nowhere to be seen. "Evan?" His voice was louder, no response. He jumped on his feet and looked around. The kid was gone.A loud thump echoed through the park. Something hitting the ground. Connor's heart jumped. What was that sound? And where was Evan? He started jogging to the place where he thought the sound came from. He looked around, a few trees to his right and left and-Connor stopped. Not too far away, he saw something laying on the ground. Someone. "Evan?" He asked quietly, slowly stepping closer to the body. He recognized the striped shirt in the dim lights. It was Evan.Connor backed away, looked at the numb body.Evan killed himself.Connor's heart dropped. Evan Hansen killed himself.His stomach twisted. He felt sick as he turned around and ran away as fast as he could go. He searched the keys from his pocket and got in his car.Evan killed himself. Evan killed himself. Evan killed himself.His hands were shaking as he turned on the engine and drove away.His mind was lost in his thoughts. What did Connor say that triggered Evan to go away and kill himself? Was it Connor's fault? Was he the reason Evan decided to kill himself, again? Was that really what was going on? Evan couldn't have killed himself. How did he even do it? Pills don't work that fast, and if Evan had taken them while Connor was talking, he wouldn't have gotten as far as he got. He didn't see any sign of blood, not in those dim lights. Connor was racing home, driving way over the speed limit, almost crashing into parked cars and street lights. His hands were shaking so hard the car was swaying lightly.He got home safely, it was a miracle.He hastily parked the car, sneaked back into his room through his window and sat on his bed.He realized how sick he was. He had a headache and it felt like he could vomit any moment, his stomach was doing weird things and he felt hot and cold at the same time.Evan Hansen killed himself.He untied his shoes and kicked them away. He laid down on his side and felt the bottle of pills poking in his side once again. He grabbed them out of his pocket and tossed them away with all the power he had.He was still shaking violently. Connor closed his eyes and tried to sleep, though he didn't know if he could after everything that happened.The only person who understood him the slightest bit was now laying in the park. Evan was the only person who understood him. The only one, his parents didn't even come close. He would be discovered in the morning. It was supposed to be Connor. It was supposed to be him laying there, dead. He was the one who needed to be found in the morning. Tears started streaming down his face. He started to bond with someone in a long period and that person was gone now. Connor really didn't know why he was so devastated. The kid committed suicide, but they didn't know each other that well. They talked to each other for give or take an hour. Still, he couldn't stop crying and shaking and feeling sick.Connor finally fell asleep at 5:30 AM.
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"Connor, last time before I come up!"Connor slowly opened his eyes to a massive headache and a yelling mother. He looked at the clock on his nightstand, it couldn't be morning again. He felt like he just fell asleep.6:30 AM.His mind brought him back to yesterday. His mind brought him back to Evan. Evan.Evan would still be laying in the park, unless someone decided to go for a morning run and came across the dead body. Evan was a story waiting to be discovered.It was supposed to be Connor.His body ached. Not only his head, but his stomach was twisting and he was shaking so badly, the room felt cold although Connor was perfectly aware of the fact that it was supposed to be nice and warm thanks to the summer weather.He almost wanted to get up. Lock himself in the bathroom until everyone was gone to school or work. No one could see him like how he was at that moment. He probably looked like hell. But Connor couldn't move. It was if his own thoughts strapped him to the bed.The only thing he could think about was Evan. Evan in the park. Evan was just a kid, Evan was someone's son, Evan was innocent, Evan didn't deserve death.His stomach twisted again and this time, Connor needed to reach for the trashcan right beside his nightstand.His bedroom door opened. "Connor, you really need to-"Cynthia stood in the doorway as she saw his son vomit into the trashcan. Connor heard her footsteps slowly making their way to his bed. He lifted his head and saw his mom kneeling in front of him. She looked worried, disturbed. Connor knew the look on her face, he had seen it before. "I didn't take anything, I swear," Connor said as he pushed himself back on his bed. He had been sick in the morning before, because of drugs. One time, while still high, he had told his mom it was because of the drugs. He couldn't go one day sick after that event without being questioned about what kind of drugs he had taken. Most of the times, he actually had taken something. On a rare occasion, he was really sick. Like now. But this wasn't just being sick, this was because he still was in a pure state of shock. That's what Connor thought at least.Cynthia sighed, "I heard you pull up in the driveway tonight, where did you go to?" Fuck. She heard him come back. Was he being that noisy? He probably didn't realize because someone had just killed himself. Nausea waved over him again but this time he could hold the vomit back. "I was just getting some air, really," he lied. Oh boy, if his mom knew what his original plans were, there wasn't a chance Connor could ever leave the house again. Cynthia would be on watch, making sure that Connor was okay and not going to kill himself. "Mom, I'm feeling really sick. Can I stay home just today? I went to school yesterday and I didn't sleep at all." It was true. He was sick and he slept for like an hour but there was another reason. The reason why he was sick. School would be just another reminder of Evan. Hell, Jared Kleinman making a harsh joke was a reminder of Evan committing suicide."You are sure you didn't take any drugs?" "I promise you."Cynthia stood up. "Well," she started, "I guess it's alright for today. I will get you something to make you feel a bit better." She left the room, to leave Connor and his thoughts alone again. Connor rolled himself on his stomach and closed his eyes. He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep so he would not think about anything for a moment. He didn't want to be aware of what was happening.------------------Connor woke up to his door being slammed open. He looked up to see Zoe standing beside his bed. Judging by her face, she wasn't really happy. But Connor was more confused about why she was in his room. Zoe never came in his room. There were so many occasions where Zoe could have followed Connor into his room when they were arguing, or when Zoe could storm into his room to yell at him about something Connor thought was stupid. Zoe never entered Connor's room, not even if she needed to. Connor still had a doll from Zoe under his bed, from when she was eleven years old and Connor was so angry at her. Zoe never got it back, because she refused to go in his room. When she was young it was about Connor being 'stupid', but now she just didn't want any contact with Connor and his drugs.Something bad must have happened that Zoe was standing in his room."Everything alright?" Connor asked sleepily. He wasn't fully awake yet. Zoe's eyes were filled with anger. She grabbed the first thing she saw, some plastic figurine on a shelf, and threw it at Connor. Connor couldn't duck away, the thing hit his head."Hey!" He shouted, shooting up from his laying position. He became angry himself. What rights did Zoe have to throw something at him? "Was that necessary?""I tried calling you several times, I texted you a whole bunch and that didn't wake you up!" He pointed at his phone that was laying across the room, "It was on silent," he pointed at himself, "and I was sleeping because I only slept like an hour last night so I am dead." He hissed the words at his sister, Zoe's face hardened."You're not the only one who is dead." Evan.Connor's heart stopped beating for a moment. How did Zoe know? It's not like she knew Evan or something, otherwise, he would have heard about Evan."What?""You remember the kid you pushed yesterday? Evan Hansen? He's dead! A teacher announced it last period." Connor swallowed. He felt sick again. So even if it was a pure coincidence, even if Evan had planned on killing himself after the first day of senior year, there was something about the way Zoe announced it that sounded like she blamed Evan.Did Zoe know about the suicide? He wondered if the teachers announced that too.However, Connor never thought that the news would reach the school so quick. He thought Evan's family needed a few days to mourn, to grief, before calling the school to tell them their son is not coming in today because he's dead. "What?"Connor got out of bed. The room felt ice cold."Yeah," she crossed her arms. "You don't seem to be too bothered by the news."Connor started shaking. The fact that Zoe thought that Connor had something to do with it, it was annoying, but the fact that she thought it didn't bother Connor was infuriating to him.And that's why Zoe was standing in his room. "Of course I am bothered! I am fucking devastated by the news!""And why would you? You didn't seem to be bothered by his feelings yesterday?" Connor wanted to punch something. He wanted to break something, he wanted to break Zoe. He collected himself before it was too late. He didn't want another drama going on. Not now, not when Evan has died and Zoe thought he didn't care and he was left alone with his feeling he couldn't tell anyone because-"Because I saw him die!" -he otherwise needed to explain himself.Fuck.He fucked himself over.He was shaking like a maniac. The sick feeling returned. He felt like he was going to vomit again."What?" Zoe yelled.Connor didn't say anything. He hid his hands in the pockets of his jacket he was still wearing and ran past Zoe. He didn't want to talk about it. Not with Zoe. He stomped the house out, taking the car keys from their shared car and get inside the car. Connor needed to drive for a little bit. He didn't know to where, to who, what he was going to do, but he needed to get away from Zoe as soon as possible for a few hours.The car door on the passenger side opened, Zoe got in. Connor slammed his hands against the steering wheel. Zoe took the keys from his hand and pushed it in her pocket."You are not going anywhere," she stated firmly, "not until you explained what you just said." Connor sighed. He had no choice, Zoe wasn't going to leave him alone until he told her everything. Everything from 'I was going to kill myself' to 'Evan killed himself and I ran away'."The first day of school was shit: getting called out by Kleinman, Evan freaking me out, dad hitting me. I went out for the night, to the state park. Evan was there, too." Connor swallowed. Memories started flashing before his eyes.
"You have too much to live for, Evan. How could you possibly kill yourself?" He questioned out loud. No response. There hadn't been much response from Evan's side. "Evan?" Silence. Connor rolled back on his back, opened his eyes and pushed himself upright.
He didn't even realize what he would find out just a few moments later.
Connor stopped. Not too far away, he saw something laying on the ground. Someone. "Evan?" He asked quietly, slowly stepping closer to the body. He recognized the striped shirt in the dim lights.
He left the kid alone in the park. He shouldn't have done that. He should have stayed there, called an ambulance, tell his mother about how he tried to stop his son committing suicide and he didn't.Connor needed air. He decided to leave Zoe in the car and get out. Fresh air. Fresh thoughts. No Zoe. No Evan. No trouble.-----Connor shot up, looking around he was in his room again. Was it all a dream? It wasn't, he figured as he saw Zoe sitting on a chair in his room. "Are you alright?" she asked. She seemed softer, not so attacking anymore. Before Connor could even ask about what happened, Zoe answered his question. "You panicked and blacked out, I figured your bed would be more comfortable."He looked her right in the eyes. "Not a word to mom and dad.""Not if you continue telling me about what happened last night." Connor rubbed his face. He didn't want his parents to know about these things. He didn't want them to know about him freaking out about a kid at school who killed himself, he didn't want them to know he was with Evan when he killed himself.So he continued his story.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Oh, my god." Zoe was pacing around Connor's room, her hands in her hair. "Oh, my god," she repeated herself. She didn't stop walking around, something she started to do at the start of Connor's story. "Oh, my god, Connor!" She finally shouted, stopping herself in her pace. "Evan died when you were with him and you didn't even call an ambulance?"Connor's chest tightened. Of course, Zoe would pick that given fact out of the whole story, but it bothered him of some sort that Zoe didn't really seem to care about the fact Connor was there to kill himself too. Was Zoe so used to it? Connor had tried suicide a few times, but was it enough for Zoe to feel indifferent about that? It broke his heart. Or about the fact that he tried to help Evan?"Not a word to mom and dad," Connor replied, dodging the question. "If they know the whole story, including me, being there with plans to kill myself, mom's gonna freak out. She will get me some new pills again, or maybe even will try to get me in a mental hospital again.""With the way you reacted on someone being dead, maybe you need some new meds or therapy of some sort." Ouch. That hurt a lot more then it should have. Zoe seemed to realize that too. After those words escaped her mouth, she immediately had some kind of regret in her eyes. "Connor, I didn't mean it like that," she tried to explain."No, it's alright, you think I'm a freak too, just like everyone else. It's fine, I'm used to it." Connor saw the car keys laying on his cupboard. He stood up, grabbed the keys and walked out of his room. He didn't hear Zoe's footsteps following him, which he thought was good. He didn't need another thing to happen in the car like when trying to explain the whole story. He got into the car and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. New text message to Joaquin. It was still really early, Safe Space probably wasn't open yet, but Connor needed something. Some drugs, or maybe the company of someone who wouldn't judge him. He needed Joaquin to be there, to give him something, to be with him, to understand him.It was a ten-minute drive, parking his car on the exact location he discussed with Joaquin. When he arrived, his only so-called friend was already waiting for him. Joaquin entered Connor's car. "Hey dude, why so early?" He asked, making himself comfortable in the car seat. Connor turned off the engines and sighed. "I messed up for the so many-est time and now I feel like shit," Connor explained to the guy, who nodded. "What did you do this time?" Connor started shaking again with the thought of what he had done. "I was in State Park yesterday night and some kid from school was there too," were the only words Connor could say. He wanted to share his side of the story with Joaquin, but he wasn't sure anymore. How did he know he could trust Joaquin a hundred percent? "Is this about the kid who killed himself? You were there and didn't do shit?""Well, if you say it like that, I sound like an asshole."Joaquin chuckled. "It's alright, it's not your fault, right?" Connor stayed silent. Was it his fault? First, he was going to be the one to save Evan, then he was the one who talked too much about how Evan's life wasn't really that bad compared to his which probably was too much for the kid, and after that Evan killed himself. Connor didn't think of that as coincidence, as something he couldn't do anything about. Some will argue it wasn't his fault, others will argue it was. "Depends on how you look at it," Connor concluded, looking out of the window. "I mean, it wasn't my intention but it happened and I was probably one of the things that got him over the line." "Shit dude." "I know."Joaquin reached into his pocket, revealing a little bag with some powder. He dangled it in front of Connor. "That's why you wanted to meet up, right?" Connor nodded. He needed something to keep his mind off for a moment, something that would shut him down long enough he could function the day after because his mom wouldn't leave him home for two days in a row. He needed to face Kleinman and Zoe and everyone, honestly. "You're lucky I care about you, let's go."-----"Zoe Murphy and Connor Murphy are called to the principal's office." Connor felt all eyes in the class burn on him. For the one time he got attention, it was that kind of attention. Getting called to the office. Great. He wondered why Zoe was called too. His sister never did something wrong, she was always the perfect high school girl. Not inside his house, not yesterday night when Connor got home, still a bit in a rush from whatever drugs Joaquin had given him. It helped him relax and get his mind of really anything, and it also helped him that morning to not think about Evan as he was sitting at the kitchen table. Zoe was one of the other reasons. When he had gotten home, Zoe was waiting for him in his bedroom. She was so disappointed when she realized Connor had done some sort of drug again. She had called him out, yelled at him about how he can't keep going away and do some drugs whenever he starts feeling certain emotions, that he needed to learn to cope with them. Connor simply flipped her off and went to bed. First thing in the morning, they were already fighting again. He missed his ride, a.k.a. Zoe driving them both to school, and needed to take the bus. He didn't hate it, but it was a dick move, a dick move Zoe pulled more often.So why was she called to the office? That stuff didn't happen in school. Connor got up and left the classroom. Arriving at the principal's office, Zoe was already there. Zoe and a woman Connor didn't know. They both looked at Connor when he entered the room, the principal nowhere to be seen. He froze in place."What's going on?" He asked, closing the door behind him, not moving one step forwards. "Connor," Zoe started, her voice was low and soft and it seemed so unreal Zoe was talking to him like that, especially after what happened the night before and that morning, "this is Evan's mother, Heidi." Even when Zoe said those words, it took him some time to realize what exactly was going on. He noticed a folded paper and a picture in Heidi's hands, and her puffy red eyes. It looked like she wasn't ready for any sort of confrontation at all.Connor blinked a few times, it couldn't be real, it couldn't be happening. Yeah, he was there with Evan, but he never thought he was going to meet his mother out of all people? "She has a few questions for us, if you would like to join and not keep standing there?" Even though Zoe's voice was soft, it sounded bitter towards Connor. He moved and sat down on the one free chair in the office, placing his bag on the floor and putting his hands in his pockets."I'm sorry I'm pulling you two out of your classes," Heidi apologized, "I just wanted to ask you a few things." She switched the picture of Evan, that was laying on top, to the folded paper. Connor noticed her hands were shaking heavily as she handed the paper to Zoe. "This is a letter Evan needed to write, it was an assignment for his therapy sessions to handle his anxiety and such." Zoe slowly opened the letter, Heidi was watching every little move. "He- uhm- he talked about a certain Zoe in his letter, and I thought it could be about you." And Connor knew the letter already, it was the one he ripped out of the printer, kept as a suicide note and then handed it back to Evan when they were in the State Park and now Zoe was reading it. And it was indeed about her. "I'm sorry, how could you know for certain this is about me?" Zoe asked carefully after reading the whole thing, folding the paper back in half. "Aren't there so many Zoe's walking around this school?" Heidi nodded and looked at the picture. "Evan's cast had a name on it as well, one he got that day because before the start of the year he didn't have a name on his cast yet. And you two are siblings so it could check out." Heidi sighed softly and made eye contact with Connor. "Connor, was it you who wrote your name on Evan's cast?" Connor felt like he could physically sink through the floor. He wasn't prepared for that question, at all. He was listening to the conversation between his sister and Heidi but didn't want to join it. He didn't want to become part of it but he had no choice. Connor nodded. He didn't want to talk because he was scared Heidi would start asking too much information and he would tell her too much information about what happened, things she probably couldn't handle at that moment.It stayed quiet for a moment, a moment where Heidi was processing everything. "I would like to invite you two over for dinner, this Friday. No need to feel pressured, I just want some people around me that had some kind of connection to Evan." A silent tear rolled down Heidi's cheek. "Evan always acted like he had nobody, but there were some people in his life that were kind of important and I want to get to know them better, maybe find a new piece of Evan even I hadn't discovered yet." "We will be there," Zoe responded before Connor could even think about the offer. "Anything to help you get through these hard times." Heidi smiled as another tear made its way down her cheek. "Thank you." She grabbed a post-it and a pen from the principal's desk, and wrote something down. She handed the small paper to Zoe. "It's my adress and phone number, so you know where you need to be. And if you can't come for a reason, just give me a call or send me a text." Zoe smiled, putting the paper in the pocket of her jeans. "I will."-----"I'm not going to that dinner, Zoe! What am I supposed to say? 'Hi, I'm the guy who pushed your son, possibly made him think about suicide and then was one of the triggers for him to commit suicide'?" Zoe stopped at the side of the road, it wasn't a conversation they needed to talk about while she was driving, it could cause some serious accidents."Maybe you should tell her that you tried to help her son, tried to talk him out of suicide while you yourself were on the edge of killing yourself too? Maybe she would like to hear that someone tried to stop her son from killing himself?" Zoe looked Connor directly into his eyes. "You need to go and tell her what happened in the last hours before her son's death, it would help her cope." "It would help her cope if I told her how I failed at saving her son?" Connor didn't understand it. Zoe should be against it, realizing it wasn't a good idea, that it would only get Heidi to be mad at Connor for not saving his son. It was a bad idea."Connor, please, at least consider it. I'll ask you again Friday afternoon before I leave." Connor sighed, opening the car door and stepping out. He needed to think and process everything. "I'm walking home this bit." He slammed the door shut and started walking without even glancing back at the car.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Friday came way too soon. Two days to think about Heidi's invite was not a lot, not enough for Connor. He told Zoe he wasn't going, that it was a terrible idea, but Zoe was right. Connor didn't want to admit that, but his sister was right. Maybe Heidi would hate Connor forever if he told her that he didn't help her son, but she deserved to know what had happened to her son. So when Friday came, Connor was still stuck thinking about accepting or denying the invite.Zoe had already told their parents she wasn't eating dinner at home that night, told them about going to Heidi to talk about Evan. Their parents thought it was such a kind gesture, they didn't mind. Now, if Connor would claim the same statement, their parents would think it would be a terrible idea. Especially his mother, she would tell him about everything that could happen that wouldn't be too great, like Connor losing his mind and doing this he would regret later. If he was going, he would just disappear and follow Zoe. It's not like his parents question his disappearance anymore. If Connor came home the next day and wasn't too cracked out of his mind, they wouldn't bat an eye at him.Zoe was in her room, door open wide, searching in her closet for some clothes that would fit the occasion. Connor couldn't understand how Zoe could take it that serious? Like she had ever talked with Evan? Like she knew Evan had existed before Connor had pushed him and she saw it? It made Connor angry, only the slightest bit. There were more important things to get angry about, but it seemed in a way disrespectful? Zoe going over to a dead kid's mother's house so she can eat dinner with her and talk about her son without Zoe knowing anything about Evan. What was she supposed to say? 'Your son was a nice person, miss Hansen. I never really talked to him because he was a year above me and I never really knew he existed.' As if that was going to be any help."Are you purposely thinking out loud to irritate me or are you high again and don't realize you're doing that?" Zoe turned around, looking at Connor through the door frame. Maybe a bit of both. Connor wanted Zoe to know what he thought of it, and the joint he smoked a few hours ago was still somewhat in his system. It was a mix of both. And Connor didn't mind."But isn't it true? What else are you going to say?" He asked her, walking to her doorway and leaning against the doorframe. Zoe grabbed a dress out of her closet, closely inspecting it before hanging it back, picking out another dress and inspecting that one."How terribly sorry I am about what happened to her son? How I never knew Evan felt that way about me until I read the letter? How I helped him that same morning getting up after you pushed him down? How he seemed like a nice guy after our short interaction?" She summed things up as she laid the dress on her bed and walked back to her closet. "There are so many things I can tell her." She grabbed a denim jacket and placed it next to the dress.She turned around, finally facing Connor and making eye-contact. "But you can tell her much more things that are much more important." Zoe was right, she was damn right and Connor didn't want to admit it but he felt like he had no choice anymore. "Come get me when you're leaving,' he muttered before turning around and heading to his own room. -----Heidi's house was a few streets away. Zoe found it more appropriate to walk than to take the car because it's only a few streets and then you're getting at least a little bit of exercise. Those words were reason enough for Connor to turn around and go back to their house, to enjoy a nice quiet dinner of hot pockets in his room. But he didn't. He grumbled some words under his breath and followed Zoe, who followed the GPS on her phone to make sure she was going the right way. With every step Connor took, his hands got more sweaty and shaky, and the knot in his stomach became tighter. He didn't bother to change his clothes to something more suitable, but now he was regretting his choice of clothing. If he was going to say what he was planning on saying, was Heidi really going to take him seriously in the clothes he was wearing? Shouldn't he had gone for the black button-up his mom once bought him for special occasions, but hey, even on the special occasions Connor didn't wear that button-up. Maybe the special occasion it needed to be worn to was a dinner to discuss the death of a kid with the kid's mother, that seemed special enough. No, instead he wore his black ripped skinny jeans and heavy combat boots, with his hoodie that was zipped up all the way.The ten-minute walk was soon over, Heidi's house appearing at the end of the street. Connor could run away. He could turn around start running and wouldn't need to confess anything. Heidi could be oblivious to the fact Connor was a reason for his own son to kill himself. But he didn't, again. He stayed right on track with Zoe walking beside him. Zoe hadn't said a word during the walk, and maybe it was better that way. Connor never really felt like talking to Zoe but after the last few days, he didn't even want to see his sister. Nevertheless, they were living under the same roof and Connor leaving home for a few days weren't really on the list of things he could do without serious consequences. They arrived at the house. Connor's first impression was that it looked really big, like too big for a three-people family, now two. Only Evan's parents left. Wasn't the house too big for them? Maybe Evan had some siblings Connor didn't know about. Zoe rang the doorbell. It took a few moments before Heidi opened the door with a smile that told enough. Heidi needed to force that smile on her face, it wasn't because they were standing at her door but rather a kind gesture. "It's nice to see you two again," she said, softly. Her eyes were as puffy and red as they were in the principal's office. Connor asked himself if Heidi had stopped crying in those few days. "It's nice to see you too, miss Hansen," Zoe smiled. Heidi made a small hand movement and responded: "Please, just call me Heidi, miss Hansen seems so formal." She moved away from the opening, gesturing for the two to come in. "I'm sorry my house is a mess, I really didn't have the time to clean it up.""It's alright." They followed Heidi to the living room, where someone else had already taken a seat. And it was no one else then, of course, Jared fucking Kleinman. Another reason for Connor to turn around and run away. He wasn't ready for that interaction with Heidi, he surely wasn't ready for any sort of interaction with Kleinman.Connor and Jared locked eyes, both not expecting each other to be present at the dinner but of course, it was going to be like that because Jared was supposed to be Evan's friend. The universe hated Connor, that much was clear. "I'm going to be in the kitchen, helping Jared's mother with the dinner I was supposed to be preparing, but hey, she insisted..." Her voice trailed off as if an intense thought slowly cut off her vocal cords. And it probably was an intense thought. She left the living room, leaving the Murphy's alone with Jared. Zoe sat down on the couch, Connor kept standing up."Well, well, would you look at that. Connor Murphy, outside his house, not completely stoned out of his mind and looking semi-decent? New achievement unlocked: some kind of weird social skill." It was supposed to be an insult, but Connor was happy with the fact that Jared thought he looked semi-decent and not terrible. "Can you not?" Connor asked in a hushed voice, making sure he sounded bitter and not weak. He didn't want to fight, not tonight, not in Heidi's house, not about Evan because if they were going to get in a fight you bet it was going to be about Evan. "Why? Can't you handle it?""Jared, stop it. We're here with the same reason you are here so cut it out," Zoe hissed to the boy, furrowing her brows in the process. Mentally, Connor thanked Zoe for doing that. He wasn't alone in his defense, he had Zoe on his side. Zoe already knew Jared, who didn't at their high school? Jared was someone everyone heard about a few times in their high school career. People assumed he had many friends, but no one ever saw him hang out with his other friends, other than Evan."You're here for the same reason as me? Sorry, seems very unlikely," he glanced at Connor, "and impossible from your side." Connor bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to punch Jared so badly, because if he only knew what happened, but he contained himself and instead shot a glance back that could only be described as 'if looks could kill'. Heidi entered the living room, just in the right moment, with the announcement that dinner was ready.Jared jumped on his feet, walked past Connor making sure he pushed him aside with his shoulder but making sure it looked like an accident. Zoe was second to follow, and Connor waited until everyone was out of the room, took a deep breath and considered leaving. Again. He realized he didn't give himself a choice. Jared's behavior was something Connor could murder the kid for, but he wanted to prove something. He wanted to prove he wasn't a bad person. Especially to Jared. And maybe he could prove Jared wasn't a nice friend too, not always. Connor had seen enough bullshit going on between Evan and Jared, about how Jared always seemed to be 'too cool' to hang around with Evan.And so, Connor followed the steps that the others made and walked to the dining room.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dinner started in silence. Everyone got the food on their plate, some kind of pasta with chicken, and ate in silence. Connor didn't dare to make any eye contact with anyone. Especially with Jared, weirdly enough. The guy was sitting in front of him and was already judging him for being there. How could Connor ever confess what happened that night if Jared would be there to bring up his guilt? Connor knew a fight would erupt if he tried to explain himself. What would be a good excuse for Connor to flee the scene? Feeling sick? That seemed like the only valid excuse. But then again, Jared would probably be on him if he made an excuse. Excuse or not, something was going to happen between the two.Connor only looked at his plate.He just wanted it to be over at that point. Why dinner? Why make it a long and nice evening when they were going to talk about someone who was dead? Why even invite them at all? It's not like they hung out with Evan all the time."How's the pasta? You like it?" It was Heidi who broke the silence with a soft voice, obviously not too comfortable with the situation. Connor guessed no one was really comfortable with it.He looked up, making sure he didn't look like he didn't want to be there. Zoe was already responding to the question, but suddenly Connor couldn't hear anything anymore. He was baffled by the figure standing next to Heidi.And that figure was Evan Hansen. And he was just standing there, looking directly at Connor with the same eyes he looked at him that night.Connor didn't do drugs since that morning, and it was just weed. Nothing too serious. So Evan wasn't there because Connor took drugs. Was his mind playing tricks on him? Was Connor actually seeing a ghost?Blood pounded in his ears. His vision was getting all weird as his hands started shaking. Evan kept looking at him. Connor felt sick. The food on his plate made him sick. Evan standing in front of him made him sick. A tingly feeling washed over his body as one thought popped up in his head.He needed to get out. Quickly. Now. Before he would completely lose his mind.He shot up from his chair, knocking it over in the process, and ran away from the room as fast as he could. He heard voices yell after him, but they sounded muted. As if Connor was trapped in a glass jar. It definitely felt like it. He got hotter every second and it became more difficult to breathe properly.He opened the front door. A nice summer breeze greeted him happily but to Connor, it felt tight and sharp. He ran out the door, only to come to the conclusion that he didn't know where he would run to. Home meant a confrontation with his parents, a long talk with his mom that would end with screams. The other way meant Connor could end somewhere he didn't know, or somewhere he shouldn't be when adrenaline was pumping through his veins. Instead, he got down on his knees, not realizing how hard the gravel path was. It would have left a few scratches if it weren't for his jeans.He closed his eyes, tried to ban the image of Evan standing behind Heidi from his mind. It didn't work, he now felt watched by Evan. As if the kid stood in the front door and looked at Connor.He dug the palms of his hands in his eyes, but images started flashing in his mind. The conversation.The opening up to each other.The panic.The fall. The body.A hand was placed on his shoulder. A touch so sudden Connor jerked away and got on his feet again, only to stumble forward a few steps. He turned around so quickly, he felt dizzy for a moment. He expected to see Evan. To see the boy and his big stupid eyes and his stupid striped shirt, but it wasn't Evan. Instead, not really a better option, it was the whole gang. Heidi, Jared, Jared's mom and Zoe in the front; she was looking concerned. Her hand was in front of her, as if it was still lingering on Connor's shoulder that wasn't there anymore. Zoe had touched him. He looked around frantically, but Evan wasn't there anymore."Connor, everything alright?" Zoe came closer, slowly. Connor noticed his shaking hands and tried to hide them in the pockets of his jeans. He didn't want to tell Zoe what was going on. She would think he smoked something again, or took something to see some kind of hallucination. Connor even didn't know if it was a hallucination or not, he didn't remember smoking something but he felt like it was quite possible. Maybe he had done to many drugs to cause some permanent state of being high or something like that."Connor?" Heidi had a sweet smile on her face as asked his name. A comforting smile, Connor thought. The kind of smile he never got when he had a hard time. He barely ever got a smile from his parents, not even with things he did alright. "Everything is okay, alright?" She seemed calm, her shock washed away as she kept her distance but still tried to build a bridge, still tried to calm Connor. In a way his parents never did. Maybe, even, in a way his parents should have done it."He's definitely high," And of course, Jared Kleinman needed to ruin everything. The words, he spoke it with such disgust as if the kid never lit up a joint himself, stabbed Connor deeply. Deeper than it normally would. Maybe it was the circumstances, the fact he was still shaking and the dizziness was coming back. Something snapped. Deep within the core of Connor's soul, something snapped so hard he couldn't do anything else but walk towards Jared and grab the boy by his collar. "Listen here, you little sh-" "No, you listen to me. You have the audacity to show up at this place, without even knowing the kid? Why? You're a bully, you bullied him. I was his only friend! And now he's gone, and it's probably your fault too. Why push him? Why call him out? Huh?"It happened before Connor could stop himself. His hand became a fist and hit Jared's cheek. Hard. He immediately felt hands on his shoulders and arms, trying to pull him away from Jared, trying to let him go of the boy's collar. Connor's grip was too strong."You think you knew Evan? You really call yourself a friend? Really? If he had such a great friend, maybe you tried to help Evan with his suicidal thoughts! I was more of a friend to him than you would ever be!""Un-fucking-likely!"Another blow to the face was prevented by someone grabbing Connor's arm just in time."You weren't even there when Evan tried to commit suicide! I tried to talk him out of it! Where were you? Huh? You so-called friend! You're a piece of shit, that's what you are!" Connor got a blow to his face himself. And another one. Jared was pulled back."I tried to save him! I was there! You will never be better than me!"Jared was pulled inside the house. Connor was pulled backward. His eye started to hurt, just now realizing he was hit around his eye. Boy, oh, boy, his parents would love the story behind a black eye."Connor, what's up with you?" Zoe didn't seem concerned anymore. She sounded angry. Connor did something wrong again, and it was Jared who started it but, yeah, blame the guy with problems. "Jared started it!" His throat tightened, breathing became difficult. Connor didn't know how."You freaked out on him!""He thought I was high, he called me a bully!" "Well, are you high?" "He doesn't know anything about Evan." Connor breathed, pushing Zoe away from behind him. He turned around, looking directly into Zoe's eyes. Disappointment filled them up."I knew I shouldn't have come, I'm going home."Connor turned around. Without a glance, he walked away from the two. Coming to the same dilemma as a few minutes before. Going home or going someplace unknown? he turned right, heading home. It wasn't time to do stupid things. Not at that moment. Not with the possibility that Evan would pop up again. Evan popping up while Connor, probably, would be on drugs, that wasn't a good idea.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
He couldn't have seen Evan. Right? It couldn't be real. The boy was dead, Connor saw him dead. It was his mind that played tricks on him. Tricking him into thinking he had seen Evan when in reality there was no one there. Just a mind trick. Nothing else.Seeing a ghost wasn't even an option. Connor never believed in that crap and he sure as hell wasn't going to change his mind. Because it wasn't a ghost. It was just a mind trick.Street lights were starting to shine a dim light since the sun was starting to go down slowly, it gave the streets something eerie. Connor was the only person who thought that way, because Connor knew what was going down whenever the sun starts to set. Street lights turning on was the starting shot for the night to get started, nightlife more specifically. And Connor knew what happened in the nightlife, he participated in it sometimes. He didn't regret it for a second, never. Only when the sun came up and his body was aching and his head was pounding, he regretted it sometimes. But the night starting also meant easily getting confused by shadows and figures you think you know what it is, only to come closer and find something totally different. Connor didn't want to wander around in the night, not after what had happened a moment ago. He felt a bit guilty, just a bit. He left Zoe alone at Heidi's place, he shouted a lot of things that didn't make sense to Heidi just yet because he didn't get the chance to explain everything. That's what he mostly felt guilty about, but he knew Zoe would settle whatever Heidi was gonna ask about. Yes, he felt guilty leaving, but he also felt relieved Zoe was probably going to explain everything, resulting in not needing to go back and explain it himself. Zoe couldn't just leave without explaining, leaving Heidi even more confused than she already was. Zoe wasn't that kind of person. His house came in sight, time passed quickly when sunken in his own thoughts. He reached in his pocket only to realize he didn't bring his key with him. Connor didn't think beforehand that he would be leaving early without Zoe. He sighed, great.He walked to the door and rang the doorbell, tapping his foot while waiting for someone to answer the door. He didn't want any more interaction, but knew he needed to at least say something. He couldn't walk in, push past whichever parent opened the door and walk up the stairs to his room. Connor knew he did just that a lot of times, but he didn't have any reason at that moment. The door opened, it was his mom. Connor thanked God. If he wanted interaction with one of his parents, he rather talked to his mom than to his dad. Not a nice 'hello' or even a 'where have you been?', all attention went to Connor's face."What happened to your eye?" She asked, mouth a bit hanging open. Right, Connor thought, Jared had punched him in the face which would result in a black eye that already started to form nicely, judging by his mother's reaction. Connor shrugged, he didn't want to explain everything that had happened. It wasn't his moms business. "Come in, I'll treat it."Connor didn't intend to exactly spend the rest of the evening with his mom, getting treated for a black eye. He would rather walk straight to his room, lock the door and sleep until it was Monday. But he didn't do that. He followed his mom inside, closing the door behind him. Connor tried to push away the thoughts when on his own, maybe a bit of interaction would help forget about those for a moment.He passed the open living room door. His dad wasn't sitting on his spot watching his favorite Friday night TV-show. "Larry has gone to a colleague's house a few streets down. He had some troubles with work and they were gonna help each other out," his mom explained. Connor nodded. It was for the better his dad wasn't home when he arrived. He would question Connor until the boy stormed off, enough of the talking, questioning and probable accusations. Hell, maybe Connor would break something again if he became really angry. Now he was alone with his mom. He liked her company, most of the times. When his dad or Zoe were talking shit about him, that's when his mom started to go to their side and started to argue with Connor. When they were alone, she was nice to be around. Being alone with his mom, it was a rarity. Between work, being a mother and having a social life; whenever his mom was home, nine out of ten chance his dad or Zoe was too. So the moment was nicer than other times.His mom sat him down in the kitchen, grabbing an icepack out of the freezer. She wrapped it in a kitchen towel and grabbed a chair to sit down in front of Connor. She pressed it down softly around Connor's eye, but her son grabbed the icepack himself. "I have hands too, y'know." They sat in silence for a few seconds, both lost for words. His mom broke the silence."What happened? Have you been doing drugs again?" She had a soft voice, knowing it was a sensitive subject to Connor. A reason to like his mom more, she knew Connor more, she knew that it was a subject that Connor didn't like to talk about because he was struggling with it too. "No, I didn't do drugs. This is just the result of a series of unfortunate events." And that was true. It was the result of unfortunate events following each other up. Pushing Evan, talking to Evan, seeing Evan dead, Heidi coming up to them, the dinner, seeing Evan, Jared freaking out on him. His mom just nodded slowly. Another question followed."How are you feeling? Mentally?" It was a question Connor heard more often. After Connor quit therapy, and most of his medication because he didn't like the effect they had on him, his mom questioned him more about his mental state. Most of the times, Connor would shut off, walk away. This time, however, he didn't. Maybe it was because what had happened, maybe it was because they were alone for once, because no one else would hear them talk. He talked, it didn't mean he would tell the complete truth."Honestly? I don't know," he sighed, looking away from his mom. He saw how the world had gone darker outside, and thought back of the dinner. Him freaking out after seeing Evan. He remembered what he felt that moment, his thoughts. He feared of a confrontation when he would go home, ending it in screams before he hid himself in his bedroom. He almost went the other way, probably meaning drugs. He was glad he was home."I... I don't know. But whatever is bugging me, it's a minor thing. You shouldn't break your head over it. I can fix this myself." He looked back at his mom, who had some sort of disbelief in her eyes. Connor couldn't blame her. "Really, no need to worry." He assured her, drowning himself in the lie that it is just a minor thing. He knew damn well that whatever was going in, it wouldn't just stop after that night. "If you need any help-" "I come to you, I know. I will." Connor stood up, placing the icepack on the kitchen table. He slowly walked out of the kitchen, going to the bathroom. His mind took him to all places. After all that had happened that week. The first day of school, the fight with his parents, seeing Evan dead. After all that had happened during the summer, the list was too long to sum up all the things, it finally felt again like his mom cared about him. Between fights, it never seemed that way. Just an annoyed and angry parent who got mad at every little thing her kid did, trying to excuse her own terrible behavior by screaming 'I do this because I love you!', or something like that. Now, his mom seemed to really care about him.He entered the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. Looking in the mirror, he saw how bad his black eye had started to look. Hopefully, the icepack did his job and would tone down the swelling a bit. He turned on the shower, letting the water warm up before jumping under it. He needed a shower. He felt like it could maybe wash away a bit of all the bad feelings and thoughts he had. He undressed, got under it and just stood there. He didn't have any power to grab some shower gel or even a washing cloth. He just let the water rain down over him, wiping it away if it came too close to his eyes. Connor didn't know how long he stood under it, trying to wash away bad feelings but not being able to. He finally got out, drying himself, putting on clean underwear and walking to his room to get some comfortable clothes. He put on his shirt as he heard someone walk up the stairs. He put on some joggers and looked out his door. He expected his mom, but it was Zoe."Hey," he spoke softly, knowing damn well that Zoe was disappointed and angry he had left after the fight. She didn't bat an eye at him. She walked straight past his room. He followed her."How did it go after I went away?" She stopped in front of her bedroom door and turned around. She looked directly into his eyes. "Well, Jared was lucky. He was fine a few minutes after you had hit him." She started. Of course, she would start with Jared, bringing up what Connor did wrong but apparently not recognizing what Jared did wrong. "We went back inside. We had some awkward small talk before Heidi asked what you meant with whatever you shouted at Jared. About you being at the park when Evan died and all that stuff. I told her it's not my right to explain that but that you would be more than happy to explain it yourself and apologize for the mess of what could be a nice evening." Connor's heart stopped beating for a second. She didn't explain it to Heidi."What are you thinking? You left a grieving mother behind without explaining, leaving her more confused than she already was? Are you insane?" His voice wasn't soft anymore, now he was angry and disappointed. "Well, maybe you shouldn't have bolted! Maybe you shouldn't have punched Jared in the face! Maybe you should've stayed to explain everything because I have nothing to do with it." She opened her bedroom door and slammed it shut.Connor stormed off to his own bedroom, slamming his door too as tears started pricking behind his eyes. Of course, Connor was the only bad guy in the story. Connor always did bad, Connor couldn't do anything well, Zoe was a princess who tried to settle it a bit, and Connor was the unworthy peasant who did everything wrong without any feedback on how to do it better the next time he was confronted with situations like that. Instead of getting angry at him, maybe people around him needed to start explaining why what he did wasn't that good and giving suggestions of what he could do in the future. No one ever did that. Maybe that was the reason why Connor was so troubled? Parents get angry, Connor gets angry, Connor does stuff wrong, parents get angry again; it was a vicious cycle. And unless someone told Connor how to do it better, they all stayed in the same situations over and over again. Connor fell down on his bed, wiped away tears and closed his eyes. His last thought before falling asleep was 'why am I always the bad guy?'.