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The howl of the wolf echoed through the forest around Sam. "Good girl." He praised her with a pet on her flank while listening to the sound bounce off the large pine tree stems next to the path. What his eyes couldn't see his brain filled in. Sam shivered in the cool air. His demon half didn't appreciate the humid autumn air… neither did his injured leg. After the long hike to gather supplies it was sore. Taking care not to slip on the downhill deer track Sam curled his fingers in the nape of his companion's neck, his silent request for her to stay with him and lead the way.Breeze growled low in her answer. Her loyalty had never wavered since he'd pulled her tiny body from a poacher's trap. She was all he had left. She'd become his eyes… and sometimes his ears too, he realised when she paused as if she'd heard something. Sam too stopped walking to reach out with the sense he'd let surface now two years ago. Nothing, but that didn't mean he could ignore her warning. More quietly than before Sam walked on. "Come", he urged Breeze on with a soft order.The last of the daylight was beginning to fade. Sam didn't mind. It changed nothing in the way he moved through the forest around him. In fact, it was almost easier when the world around him wasn't so bright. Feeling his way past a rough barked tree Sam headed along the bend of the nigh invisible path. A mile or so left to go, and his thoughts drifted away like they so often did.Memories could never be unseen, not even by the near blind. The sharp light of the explosion… and the pain of its heat, which had engulfed him while the walls around him had crashed down. His desperate and oh so human instinct to survive had surged him forth. Before, he had not dared to embrace what he was, what pulsed inside him so dark that he'd feared it. Demonic blood, both his own and from the pool he'd fallen into, rushed painfully into his wounds and through his veins. Sam had heard its call for what it was; his ticket out of death.Absent-minded Sam hauled the canvas shoulder bag firmer up on his shoulder. It wasn't heavy, but it had almost slid off. Sam could smell the herbs and plants he'd tucked inside it during his hike. They didn't taste too well, but the tea at least would warm his bones and chase out some of the soreness in his hip. At the time of the explosion his stupid leg had caught the brunt of the panels which had crashed down on him. When he'd crawled out from under the rubble it had hurt like a bitch… but still, at least he hadn't lost it. The blood he wasn't born with had done more than save him, for it too had chased dooming infections off. His skin had almost felt numb too by the time he stitched himself up with bloodied fingers, alone… because his brother Dean was gone. Vanished into nothing, to leave Sam deal with the mess of his battered body by himself.Reaching the side of the lake Sam glanced over the water. Dark except for the moon, which mirrored in the surface, bright and soothing. Something felt off to him though, but the night didn't give him answers… no other than the vague smell of petrol. A car? Sam frowned, worried for a moment if this meant an intrusion into his life. Was it still here? What of its owner? He stared further out into the night. Nothing. His demon sense drew short too, though something about the tension in the air felt almost familiar to him. Forcing himself to calm down Sam shifted his eyes back to their human green irises. It was better to be safe than to be sorry, he decided. If someone was here, he couldn't give himself away. What if it was a hunter?Sam shivered, not sure if it wasn't better to run. No, this was his home, dammit. He would never hurt an innocent. That was why he'd come to this secluded lodge. To heal… and to hide what he was from both sides, because neither would understand. Picking up on Breeze's growl, and how it lingered as if she agreed with him, Sam petted her flank. "I know", he told her softly. "Come." He aimed for the lodge, ensured by the knowledge that he was armed. The trusted knife tucked in his coat had taken down many demons and Sam felt safer with it. Sure, he hadn't fought with another soul in two years, but he wasn't alone should he have to now. Breeze was bound to have his back too.Still apprehensive and on high alert he reached the clearing around the lodge. Mind made up to walk on Sam refused to back down. The person he sensed inside was trespassing, not he. Though the credit card he had used to buy the place was not above board he owned it according to the national park rangers. No one could prove that he didn't have the right to live here, and that was all he needed to stand his ground. Determined to chase whoever it was away Sam closed the last yards before heading inside, prepared to defend himself.Everything he'd felt and was slammed to a halt. The vague shape of the man in his house looked painfully familiar. Dean! How could he be alive? And for how long had his brother been in here? He had never heard the distinct sound of the Impala engine approach through the forest. Ah, of course not. Sam corrected himself on the thought. Last he had seen of Dean's four-wheeled pride and joy it had been nothing but a wreck, a metal carcass rammed into the sign of that blasted Leviathan's company. It had been used as a distraction by their unlikely friend Meg while Dean and he had sneaked inside the building under the radar of the monsters who pretended to be humans. So, another car?A faint glimmer of something moved where but a second ago Dean too had frozen at the sight of him limping back in his life. Sam was back on alert at once. Careful! His mind fast provided a warning to his inner demon half. It hated holy water, even when it couldn't hurt him visibly it made his demonic blood itch. Not willing to deal with the sensation either Sam let it retreat deeper into his soul, all too aware of how Dean used to fear it almost more so than the demon part in him feared the holy water.Just in time! In the next breath water splashed into his face, against his chest, dripping down, and seeping into his shirt under his open hanging coat. Sam gasped at the coolness of it. It was one thing to accept it and understand where Dean came from, but another to not hate what it stood for; distrust.Blinking the water from his eyes Sam breathed a sigh to steady himself for what he knew would come next. The shape before him offered a sheepish smile. Dean it seemed had changed too. More balanced, held together in his stance… not as defensive as before, but still, like was so typical of Dean, with an aura of sureness. Had he grown stronger too? Sam knew the shape of his brother better than anyone else, and it told him of broader shoulders and stronger arms.In his observation of Dean, he risked it for the Demon half of him to shift his eyes into their black irises. He needed to know, refused to not look and hide himself in plain sight for any longer. Sam was done lying. If Dean saw all of him, then he did. This was HIS home. If his brother didn't accept him then he could leave, and Sam would pretend that the stretched-out moment of tension had never happened. He'd continue being what he was now; a recluse."Your eyes." Of course Dean noticed. He was too good a hunter not to see what was what. "What are you?" His voice came out startled at first… then sharper, inquisitive.When Dean took a step forwards to see more of him Sam cringed at the unyielding shape before him. Was it too late to run? Curling his fingers deep into warm, course neck fur Sam recovered slowly from the shock. No, he had not wanted the intrusion, but for Dean he'd always make an exception and try to make him see. Still… that didn't mean he would yield to the request. Deep down Sam felt no different in his soul. Sure, he wasn't the same man, but who could be after what he'd faced? Breeze stood growling again by the time Sam answered the question. "Dean, I am still me."The more detailed shape seen through his demon eyes shook his head at him. Dean didn't believe him, couldn't yet, because he hadn't been around for the last two years. Sam though felt relief at the lack of immediate rejection. It offered him hope. Maybe he can be accepted? Well, at least by his brother if not by anyone else… not that they even had a someone else left. "You were hiding."Sam winced at the truth of Dean's sharp accusation. Unsure of how to answer it Sam dug in his heals. "You were dead." To him it said everything about his reasons. He had stood no chance at help, had to face life alone since the explosion… so which other choice could he have made?Dean though threw it back in his face. "Not quite. Cas and I stood too close to the blast which sent Dick and his Leviathans away. We got hauled into purgatory for our efforts.""How…" Sam swallowed to find his rarely used voice. "… are you here?""It took me over a year, but I fought my way out. Needed ten damned months more fix the Impala and come to find you.""Cas?"Dean swallowed, a sound of pain trapped in his throat for his brother would never show it or speak of it until he couldn't escape it. "He didn't make it." Four words, which spoke volumes for that Dean was hurting still and he would do so for a while to come. Sam sensed a wound he could not pick at, not without risking a full-blown fight.Understanding such a personal pain all too well Sam focussed instead on Breeze, who had begun to show her restlessness with growls and her paws tapping on the floor to beg for attention. She wanted to scent the newcomer. Figure out where he fit in… if he did at all. Aware of her wolf instincts Sam set her free, watching as she sniffed out Dean and nuzzled his jeans covered legs as if to learn where he's been.Frozen by her nearness at first Dean's shape moved almost unseen, except for that Sam had heightened senses these days. He had smelled gunpowder from the go, knew where his brother kept hidden said weapon too and could even envision how his right hand was creeping towards it. The hunter never slept. "Don't", Sam therefore warned him. "She is my eyes now.""What the hell happened to you?" Dean sounded startled, chastised even. Maybe he had thought that because Sam couldn't see he wouldn't know. Then again, Sam realised it could also be due to the fact that on the surface Dean wasn't much of an animal person. Allergic to cats… and a rule of no dogs allowed in the car. Well, too bad, this was Breeze's home too!Done with the face to face scrutiny Sam put his filled bag on the dining table to ignore the question. Once he had shrugged off his coat, he rested it over the nearest chair stood by the side of the table. The vivid memory of the flash of light, heat and pain though came to him regardless of his denial to speak. He had come too close to death, far too close… and time be damned it still hurt."Sammy?"Sam bought himself a few more precious seconds to steady his mind by feeling his way around the table and to aim for the kitchen sink. He turned on the tap and filled two grey mugs with cool water. Walking back the way he came, counting his steps almost in unawareness, he paused to offer a mug to Dean. With a shrug he explained, "No fridge, so no beer."The eyes which had followed him in scrutiny still gave no quarter. Though he did not see the emotions in them Sam felt the tension ooze off his brother at his nearness. Distrust surely? No, again, it was accusation and wonder behind the anger in the words Dean all but spat at him. "Dammit, will you stop hiding from me?"Angered in turn Sam put down the denied mug with a thud, before brushing past his for no reason offended brother. The action proved enough to draw Dean short. Sam though found no solace in it. Instead he plopped down on the couch, brushing the hair from his face to address what he knew he had to say. "You left me in the mess. This? It is me now. Take it or leave me be."Where he'd felt tense too Sam deflated the second Breeze sat down next to his legs to rest her head on his right knee. Glad for her thoughtful presence he scratched her between her ears. Her yawn was all the reward he needed to calm down. Doing so he felt Dean close some of the distance between them. His booted feet though stopped short of the couch. Not invited and still fearful he didn't sit down, which Sam could understand. They weren't quite there yet… as evidenced further by how Dean crossed his arms. "Not leaving until I know, Sammy."Sam observed him, seeing him through demon eyes and the added glow of the single source of artificial light in the open spaced, modest lodge. Sharp eyes met his. Dean said that he needed to know, and so he observed him in turn… of course he did. Sam smiled to himself. Maybe they were more alike than they'd like to think. Dean had indeed changed. Aged, as shown by the crinkled lines around his eyes. Calmer in demeanour… more at peace with himself? Sam wondered how that could be. Had purgatory somehow done his brother a favour?Driven to honesty by the way Dean didn't hide from him Sam admitted, "Irony, is what happened. Seconds after you vanished four or so demons blundered in. They attacked me, and I fought them. I heard something crash, like glass shattering, followed by an explosion. The lab ripped apart where it hadn't in the blast wave you created. I don't know what hit me, but when I came to, I crawled out only because of the blood which shouldn't be mine but is.""You what?" Dean paused talking where Sam let him wrap his head around it. This was the moment he had both dreaded and hoped for. A chance for his brother too to realise that what they both had once hated, feared even longer, had made it possible even for Sam to be here. Downing his water Sam waited for the inevitable to hit home. It came the second he put down his now emptied mug. "So, in my absence you went dark side on me." Somehow it sounded less damning than Sam had always imagined…Shaking his head before Dean had the time to get angry Sam offered his truth. "No, I just stopped being scared of myself. Not a conscious decision, but one born from the need to survive. Dean, no instinct is more human than that. You can't fault me for it.""I know." Dean sat down by his side, not yet facing him and yet no longer afraid for him, or so Sam decided in the absence of the smell of fear. "What now?"On a hunch Sam made his decision. "Have the couch", he offered while getting up from where he sat. Glad for Breeze's attention he used her to guide his limping way, because his leg was playing up after the long hike, towards the bedroom at the back of the lodge. Pausing at the doorway Sam faced Dean with a smile. "It is dark outside. You can find the road better in the morning.""Are you sending me away?" Dean answered his smile with a sad one of his own.Sam merely shrugged. What more could he say? Part of him was indeed sending his brother away, but the part of him which had missed Dean a lot more than he'd thought wanted for him to stay. The choice though had to be his. Sam refused to make it for him. "Night." He parted from his brother by closing the door to retreat to the solitude silence which allowed him to recover.
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Tossing his hiking boots and socks aside Sam sat down. With a yawn he stretched out further on the bed. His body was tired, but the tension seeped out of his weary muscles and brain now that he was alone once more. Breeze yawned from where she curled up by his side. Sam petted her flank on automatic response to her nearness. No, not alone, he realised with a sigh.The life he had led since Dean's absence was a comfortable one. Loyalty and friendship were easier to keep with a wild animal than most humans. They didn't break promises. They didn't let their owner down over trust or fear. Since Sam had found her as a pup Breeze had stuck with him through the good and the bad days. It was impossible for him to let her down. He couldn't refuse her soulful eyes… and helpful nature. His plan to send her back into the wild once her front paw and wounds had healed got shattered when she sat on his doorstep, waiting for him, the next morning.Humans were far more complex to deal with. Even Dean, who was nothing if not direct in his manners and intentions. Sam had lost count of the number of secrets they had tried to keep from each other to protect a brother from their pain. No one pushed it as far as Dean did though. Family always came before his own life. But of course, Sam was guilty of that himself too. Some said it was a destructive trait which ran in his family from both ends. Maybe they were right…Listening to the sounds around the lodge always calmed his thoughts. Nature settled for the night, some animals now waking and calling out into the forest. Sam knew them all, or at least it felt like it to him. What was new though was the sound of Dean settling down on the leather couch in the main room. Sam wondered for a minute if he had to get up and back in there to offer another blanket, or maybe light the fire. A twinge in his leg stopped him short though. No, he was done walking for the day… done talking or facing his emotions too for that matter. If Dean felt cold, he'd find a solution. His big brother was inventive enough. A charmer if he wanted to be too. Plus, he could always knock on his door for help, if his pride let him.Physical exhaustion began to win out on his brain. The demon blood in his veins settled down too, throbbing calmer through his veins. Sam glanced out of the window, looking passed the protection symbols he had painted on the glass to check on the moon. Not a full one yet, so there was no need to keep an eye on Breeze or to let her out to be wild. Her snores made him smile and settle further into the pillow. They were safe… as was Dean in the other room. On the thought of how impossible his return was he fell asleep, lost over how to reconnect with what he had all but given up on.Sam woke to the growl of Breeze. Sounds coming from the main room of the lodge caught them both off guard, until he realised that the footsteps of boots belonged to Dean. Was his brother pacing? Sam listened to the rhythmic sound for a while longer. Nothing though gave way to what Dean was thinking. All Sam knew was that he hadn't taken him up on his invitation to leave. Did it mean that he'd intended to stay? Maybe after so long Dean could learn to accept what he was?Hopeful and yet wary to believe in it Sam put on a clean shirt. Wordless he clapped a hand on his thigh to ask Breeze to join him. Revelling in her elaborate morning greeting Sam played with her for a few moments. Ready to face the day he opened the door for them both to head into the lodge. Since his mind had not quite forgotten about the many years Dean was around he mumbled a 'morning' to his brother and walked barefooted still past him to continue his usual routine. First, water and dried meat for Breeze, then food for Dean and himself. The second he put down her refilled bowl she dug in. While Dean sat down on one of the two chairs across the table from him Sam acknowledged him with a bacon sandwich."Thanks. It's good." Dean mumbled around his first bite.Sam grinned, for it was only too typical that he did the same thing Breeze did, dig in without all too many manners."What?""Nothing." Sam moved on to walk around the table to the hearth to light the fire to heat some water. "Coffee?""Hmm, please."Sam nodded, and he hung the filled kettle into place before joining Dean at the table to eat a slice of buttered bread."Come with me, hunting."Looking up Sam faced his brother, or at least the vague shape of him. The demon blood in him slept quiet still and he was happy to let it. The sound and musky smell of Dean's aftershave were enough for his brain to acknowledge the shape was more than a mirage. That and the blunt request Sam saw coming a mile off. It fitted Dean to stay on track. He always did when he wanted something in life. But still, to him the idea behind the request seemed absurd… and yet it was strangely comforting too. Had Dean not spoken it he would have felt let down. All the same, it was too soon for Sam to contemplate leaving the lodge, his home and life of two years, the one place where he was free to be himself. "I can't. I told you, Dean. This is me.""Hiding in the middle of nowhere? Abandoning what we are and believe in?""Living at peace at last.""In a primitive lodge… no beer, burgers, shower, television or Wi-Fi, no… well, nothing." Dean mock shuddered at the perceived discomforts."No hunters or demons", Sam countered. So what if his home was not something Dean could appreciate? To him it was better than some of the crappy motels they used to stay at. He didn't need much for as long as he had the shelves stocked with books. Plus, who wanted a shower when the lake provided him with all the clean water he needed? Sam had found freedom in the simpler life. In how normal things like boiling water for tea and shaving outdoors on the bank of the lake took the time he had plenty of. No stress… no pain, his inner demon whispered the additions which he agreed with.Seeing no point in convincing his brother of it Sam finished his breakfast. Wordless, because since he'd come here he never had to explain himself, he headed to the door and opened it to leave it ajar for Breeze to follow him if she was ready to. On his bare feet he kept walking on the grass next to the path, using the side of it as his guidance. This he could do in his sleep and so he didn't bother to check if he didn't stray.On the same routine he paused at the bank of the lake to undress. Not shy about any part of himself anymore he waded nude into the cool water, letting out a hiss as his warm skin adjusted to it. In but a few strokes he dived under the surface to embrace it all. This was what he needed to kick start his day. Better than coffee… and being indoors. Here was where he felt the most in balance. His blood awaking at last to pump heat into his veins and to make his muscles work. Here the strain of standing was no more. He let himself drift and float for a moment, then he turned to swim further to the deeper centre of the lake.Feeling the cold at last Sam dove under to turn. Heading back, he spotted how he wasn't alone anymore. Oh, he'd almost forgotten about Dean and his need to watch over him. Sometimes it sucked being the younger brother. Well, he could more than take care of himself. Had he not long ago proven so? Determined to not let old insecurities affect him further Sam waded out of the water, uncaring still of his nudity.Dean stood firmer, but now that his demon sight was awake Sam wasn't fooled by the stance. He had seen the flash of emotions cross Dean's face. Shock, but also pain on his behalf, over vivid scars which hadn't healed the way they could have done, because Sam had been forced to stitch the flesh of his own hip together. He had also heard the easy to miss hissed breath of sorts. Sam though addressed neither sign, opting to dress rather than to let the cool air seep further into his bones and muscles."My scrawny brother, not so tiny anymore."At the familiarity of the joke Sam stuck out his tongue. All right, if Dean wanted to play it the way they always did he was fine with it. "Jerk.""Bitch."Of course Sam should have known better than to think Dean would leave or that they were to talk about the time apart. Almost unspoken it seemed they had agreed on not poking the sleeping bear with more questions. Almost comfortable, even though it seemed strange and new to Sam too, they drank their coffees while Breeze settled on sitting next to Dean to observe him. "Good dog", he said, but it came out awkward."Wolf", Sam corrected with a grin at how his brother jumped at her growl. No, the two weren't friends yet."A wild animal? Is it even safe to keep her?"Sam shrugged, got up and headed outside with a whistle under his breath. In a flash Breeze jumped up to stand by his side. "Far safer than I'd be without her", he conceded with a hand on her neck. He smiled when Dean followed the both of them."So, what are we doing?""Chopping wood." Sam decided to be blunt rather than ask for anything. It puzzled him still that Dean wasn't driving off, back to civilisation. Even though something had fallen in between them Sam felt how their family bond too kept them together. Would he even let Dean drive off alone?Sam smiled when Dean needed no more words to confirm to him that he was helping. This was what they'd always done! In silence they aligned to working together like there was no time or distance left in their way. Two pairs of hands made a world of difference. It wasn't that Sam was not strong himself, but every part of manual labour around the lodge he usually did alone… and it didn't help that he needed to pause far more than he liked to ease the strain on his hip. Dean though worked on. Endlessly, almost tireless and mindless. Focussed on the job and it alone, which allowed Sam a chance to observe him unseen. Dean had indeed gotten stronger, and more in tune to his body since his return."No junk food in purgatory", his brother joked, before rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and closing off on the matter by turning back to work. "You gonna sit there, or help me pile up the logs?" Some things of course never changed. Dean still pushed his buttons for the sake of it.By the time they were done Sam offered Dean a mug of hot, strong coffee. Side by side they sat down on the bench he had made a year into his stay here. Sam smiled when he felt like he no longer feared to just be. Dean had not once commented on the shifting in his eyes, not after the first few times he'd raised his brows but stayed silent otherwise. Maybe he was getting used to them?As a result, the foreign, but welcomed blood in him no longer curled away from sight. Instead Sam was happy to let the demon sense in him roam free to take in the beautiful day of sunshine for what it was. "Stay", he called Breeze back to him when he heard the distant call of another of her kind. Curling his fingers into her fur he held her near. He couldn't bear it to lose her. Not now… not ever, for she was a part of him too."What?"Sam blinked at Dean."You keep the wolf on an invisible leash. Why?""The alpha wolf calls to his pack. Her instinct is to go to him, but I can't let her.""When your eyes are like that… you hear more than I can. Heck, then any of us can."It was impossible for Sam not to hear the tremor of fear behind the awe. All he managed, because he didn't want to end a good day on anger, was a shrug. "It's a different sense. More an awareness, I think?""You don't know."Sam rose to go for a walk, leaving his mug on the bench to pick it up later. "Walk with us?" He didn't wait for an answer. Curiosity would have to seal the deal. If Dean wanted to learn more, he would have to see for himself, because words didn't do justice to what he'd become. Sam didn't know what to call his sight anymore. All he knew was if he let go of his demon blood or if he didn't embrace it like he had learned to on pure instinct alone, then his visual world got rendered to near darkness.As he made his way along the narrow tracks around the lake Sam pointed at the tree stems next to the path. "During the day the trees are shadows to me. Breeze guides me past the obstacles. I feel how she moves around them and follow her lead.""A wolf as your guide dog. Now that must be a first."Sam grinned at the blunt, but spot on remark. He didn't elaborate though. Instead he waited for Dean to ask the inevitable."Hang on. Last night it was dark. How?"Sam thought for a moment longer, until at once the answer hit him. "Echo location, that's what it is closest to. Sound bounces off objects and not air.""Like bats flying through the night." Dean offered, "Makes sense, except, you know… I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact you're not all human anymore.""Oh, but I am." Sam countered, not amused about his reaction and yet not angry either. Time alone had taught him to put things into perspective. How he had once looked at himself… and how wrong he had been to fear what he couldn't keep back forever. "My soul is human, Dean." He picked up the pace, glad for when the expected discussion about demons and how they corrupted the innocent never came.Where the path widened out to a proper track Dean came to walk by his side. "You had time to adjust. Maybe that is all I need too."His brother had not spoken loudly, but the words stuck and wrapped around them for their weight of honesty. Between them Sam again heard the change in Dean. How he was still gruff on the outside, but more willing to listen than his younger self had done. No, he wasn't a patient man… but then, Sam hadn't inherited the trait either. This was what they were. Flawed, yet trying to understand what moved the other even when they couldn't hope to ever get what moved them. And so, he turned onto the path back to the lodge with a little more confidence.In silence they ended their day on the couch inside the lodge. To drink the pain of loss and far too many missed days together away Sam uncovered the last bottle of whisky the lodge had to offer them. With their tongues loosened by alcohol they talked about memories they had shared and of hunts they had been on together. The loss of Bobby and how they had always counted on him to be straight with them, to smack them over their heads if he deemed them idiots.It needed no words between them that without family they would not have come so far. Because of heritage and love they were thrown into the heat of the fire too. Some things would always stay the same, even when by now there was no family left to fall back on. Their father had taught them survive… and that they had! Since their unexpected reunion Sam realised in his core that he only had his brother left. Dean, who in turn could only talk to him… if he was ready to."To Bobby." With raised glasses they hid in plain sight once more, but it mattered not while they downed the rest of the bottle. Hunters after all rarely knew breaks like this one.
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With each next day Sam grew more used to having his brother around. They bickered like they had always done, but it was not hard to move on when Dean fixed the leak in the roof while Sam roasted the best parts of the boar he had caught with Breeze by his side. Even when he had ignored the jab at how he was still a hunter Sam had felt proud that Dean saw that he could more than manage by himself, blindness notwithstanding.Of course, Dean slept in too… and he was lazy when he could be. Sam though was happy to let him snore on the couch so that he could go for his quiet morning swim. And if, when he came back inside of the lodge, he caught Dean in an absent stare filled with pain he let him have a little more time. Healing came easy here, Sam knew. For him too the place held a certain comfort. No one came past, not humans and not the monsters out to hurt them. Here the mind had space and peace to think.No, they didn't talk about feelings. Dean never had been good at that, and Sam had long ago learned when silence and unspoken gestures were more effective. Nightmares were not new for them. Sam though sensed that which Dean relived was different this time. Even through the door of his bedroom the sharp but caught short and then muffled cry torn from his brother's throat spoke of grief. Cas… the idea of him lost in purgatory hurt Sam too. Why? How?"I'm fine." Sam wondered how often he has heard his brother say it and if he's not said it himself a thousand times too. Their pains may be different ones, but they both cope by hiding. The stock of chopped wood has grown at Dean's hand and so has the amount of books Sam has gathered around him since he stupidly stumbled over a tree root."Research?"Sam paused reading when Dean plopped down on the dining chair next to him, not quite having caught the question and its meaning. It took all of his concentration to see the words, and so he finished his sentence first before he allowed for the interruption to distract him."But… how?"Looking up Sam didn't rein in his by demon blood given sense. "Blunt persistence", he said with a shrug. "Slowly, but at least the letters don't move. That helps.""Geek." At his even darker glare Dean threw up his hands as if to surrender. "Whatever", the gesture said, but Sam too saw the frown and how it eased off under his brother's next unspoken thought. Always a source of action Dean stole his book in a swift move to peek at the cover. "The Hobbit?" He tossed it aside, but a bit too brisk and so the book slid far too fast to the edge of the table."Hey, careful!" Sam protested at the abuse of the old, taped together book. Though it wasn't his, and none of the books in the lodge were, he'd been happy when he first discovered it… and later again when he figured out how to use his other sight to read it. The books had provided a lifeline for him. A way to escape from his reality of grief and pain. As such he held them dear still, weathered appearances included. Unwilling to see his favourite one damaged even more Sam reached out his demonic energy on pure impulse to rescue it from toppling to the floor… and snap, it was back in his hands, safe."What the…" Dean jumped up, pushing back his chair in his shock.Belatedly Sam realised he'd used his telekinetic ability, the one he'd kept from Dean for the reason which now stared back at him; fear and something darker almost, his hunter instincts. This gift reminded his brother of the full-blown demons. Some had thrown them both through the air, smashed them against walls and almost broken their bodies in half. Demons too used it to kill, but Sam never would. Not against the innocent. Plus, he knew that his gift wasn't that strong… for which he was glad too. Still, he cringed at the stare of accusation."I told you what I am.""Not of all of your powers."Dean didn't sit back down, and Sam refused to get up. His leg was hurting him too much still, and worse, he knew that he hadn't been honest with his brother. The cold front he sensed rising even further though reminded him of why he'd felt too afraid to open up about his powers. "Dean, I…" Sam tried to repair the distance falling between them. What if this pushed Dean away for good? Now, when mere seconds ago he'd still felt like they were back to their level of normal, of brotherhood."Sammy." His name came out as a sharp warning, but Dean had no follow up to it. At least not a spoken one. Instead he shut down on Sam and the invisible door around his heart slammed back closed in his face. His brother was pissed… but Sam also heard the guilt in that one word. There was something Dean wasn't telling him, didn't want to face for some reason.Pain be damned Sam got up too, upset and hurt by the lack of understanding. "No. This is it. You trust me, or you don't. This is my house. If I don't get to ask more, I don't have to defend myself either."Tension spilled out further. Dean opened his mouth, but rather than speak he shook his head. The expected fight drew short to the blurred motion of Dean storming out of the door. By far too loud it slammed back into place behind him…Too torn by what happened to react Sam blinked at the sound of the Impala engine roaring to life. Should he run after the only family he has left? Sam though stayed frozen where he stood. For two years he didn't have to rein back in his true self. He knew that if they saw what he was people would fear him… but by far worse than he had imagined was the depth of hurt and mistrust he saw in Dean. The big brother he looked up to, even when he was being a pain in the behind sometimes. Why did he not see that Sam was still the same? That his body and soul had always been touched like this. Even as a boy he'd always felt like he was different. Only now did he fully understand how.The sound of retreat moved away further with each breath, but Sam didn't move. Dean was gone. Not dead, but left by choice, because he was afraid of him. It hurt worse than a punch in the gut. Maybe it would have been better if he… no, Sam knew that he was happier still than he'd been before he had known. Dean was alive, and it was more important to him than anything else. Alone again, but at last he knew where he stood in life, or did he?Thoughts hunted the long night. More than once Sam woke to stare out of the window in regret. He hated fighting with Dean, but worse was that he was missing him already. The lodge felt too empty. What had calmed him before failed to bring comfort. Unable to help it he stood staring at the abandoned couch. Was it too late to fix things?Dawn crouched back into his life slowly. Sam stared sightless out of the window for long minutes. What if he went after Dean? But to tell him what? Deep down he knew that he was done hiding, but he also dreaded tempting fate. Here no one hunted him. Safe; the word sounded hollow in his mind when he already worried about Dean. What awaited his brother out there? Physical fitness alone wasn't enough on a hunt. Their strength came in numbers, from knowledge, knowhow and from having someone by your side. Dean could fight better than most men. Sam didn't doubt his abilities for a second, but he could also no longer count the times he had to save Dean from the monster… and even himself.As if sensing his pain over being alone again Breeze nuzzled his hand. Sam met her where she sat on her hunches, looking up at him with wide, yellow eyes of pure trust. "Hey", he answered her offer by scratching the fur between her ears. Her low growl of pleasure came accompanied with the press of her paw against his leg. Happy to have her uncomplicated love Sam knelt to pull her closer to pet her. He grinned when she rolled away from his hands to lie onto her back in her silent request for him to rub her belly. Before he could react though she jumped up, her body tense and her ears turned up sharp towards a distant sound."What is it?" Sam froze, hopeful… wondering in spite of himself. Could it be?Long seconds passed by until at last Sam too heard the roar of an engine closing in on him. There was only one sound like it; the Impala. Dean was speeding down the dirt track in his unique style. Tires digging in, because his brother didn't do speed limits or driving careful well. When he wanted something, he went for it. Sam smiled at how he all but slid the car over the last stretch of mud. One last screech of protesting breaks and every sound torn through the forest crashed to a halt. That was until the door opened… breaking through to Sam's mind. Dean was here!Eager to get to his brother and not let him leave this time Sam walked outside on his bare feet. The shadowed shape of Dean sat perched onto the hood of his car, waiting… tense, and yet driven, breathing of energy. "Dean?" He closed the distance.Dean didn't wait long to speak. "Truth is, I don't always know evil from evil anymore and it scares me. Back in purgatory I was almost done for. Five against one, but Benny, he evened the odds. Fought with me and had my back for every fight which came after it. It didn't matter what I was or that he hasn't been human in decades. Sammy, a vampire helped me find the doorway back to you. I know, I should want to cut off his head now that we are here, but I don't, and I can't bring myself to end the life of a friend. All I have that I can be sure of is how to be me, a hunter, and a brother. But you…""What of me?" Sam perched next to his brother on the still warm hood of the car with a frown. Now he saw what had changed him. A freaking vampire of all dark creatures had helped bring him back to Sam. Where Dean was always so rigid about monsters and offering them no redemption before he'd learned differently out of necessity. It hurt Sam to think that for a few darker souls it was too late, but maybe fate had intervened for them both with reason. It had brought them together here, more aware of how monsters too knew shades of grey, for how long or short it was to last anyway. Would it make them better hunters?"I thought you had given up. Abandoned everyone.""You mean you?""And Kevin."Sam winced at the name of the prophet, the younger man whom they couldn't save from demon hands and had to leave behind in their mess of two years ago. He hated to think that he'd almost forgotten him. That in his desperate need to survive and live on he had let another suffer. But wasn't it always so? He was but one man and he had trusted that other hunters would step in where he could not anymore. Was he wrong though?Before Sam was able to voice his regrets Dean added, "When I first saw you, I believed I understood why you hadn't answered any calls, but last night I wasn't so sure anymore. Those powers… you're far from useless, Sammy. Join me and you will see that we can make a difference again.""Can we? Dean, I can only sense what is around me, nothing more. Smells, sounds and half of my sight restored on a good day. I can't see much when I move, drive or run. Heck, I can't even do that anymore, because of my hip.""So? I am not asking you to run into hell with me.""Then what are you asking?""To be my brother. Spells, research and if need be a touch of your inner demon. We have always been stronger together."Sam stared at Dean, confused over the last part, which had come out faster. "Last night you couldn't get away fast enough…""Once I started to think I didn't get far", Dean shrugged. "Fear is a bitch. Like you, I am so tired of it, Sammy. I should not have to be afraid of family, not when there is only one left. Powers are one thing. You though, I know you… or I least I think I do. And for better or worse I trust you to have my back. Promise me…""I can't, Dean." Sam didn't let him finish.Dean too cut in fast. "Can't or won't?"Sam smiled at his brother's impatience. "I can't watch you run in alone, is what I meant. Not without going in too.""Ah."The small sound of disappointment and yet understanding too touched something inside of Sam, an emotion which he had tucked away deep to protect himself. This was Dean asking, almost apologising, and even after two years apart Sam knew what it had taken for his brother to drive back to him to open up about something he wasn't all ready to face. And in that moment too he could only be honest too. Not for Dean, well… maybe in part, but for himself. The life he always said he wanted was not whom he was in his core. He was a hunter, like Dean.Choice made he said, "You need to be my eyes.""I can do that", Dean promised him with a small smile, which widened when Sam continued."You need to give up on the no dog rule.""Meh, she's a wolf.""Give me five to pack?""You have it. And Sammy? Put on some shoes too."With a lighter heart Sam packed his bag. All he needed were minutes, because since his life had always been reduced to being on the road he didn't own much. In truth the lodge no longer felt like home to him. Strange how well he'd pushed aside his old self until Dean had returned. Now he had purpose again, a reason to drive across the states. Even his demon half itched to get out there and do what he felt born to do; helping people.Passing by the dining table Sam picked up the book held together by sticky tape and old memories, not all his own. On a whim he tucked it in his bag. Though he knew most of The Hobbit by heart he hated to stop reading halfway, plus it was the best portable memory he could think of to take along for the rest of his life. No, he'd never forget the lodge. It stood for two years of healing… of the break he had needed before he could run back into his old life again and of his reunion with Dean.Sam headed for the door outside without regret. It was time to face the world. Whistling loudly into the forest for Breeze to join him he tugged on a pair of faded boots, put on his coat and headed outside, closing the door behind him. By the time he'd thrown his bag in the trunk a wet nose sought out his palm as a greeting. In answer to the quiet gesture of how Breeze was ready to follow him everywhere he went Sam curled his fingers in the fur on her neck. "Come… jump in, Girl." He opened the back door for her, smiling when she wasted no time to follow his order.From across the car he saw how Dean stood watching the both of them. Sam grinned to himself, aware of how his brother always fussed over the car. "She doesn't bite… much." Feeling his way to the passenger door Sam added, "But hurt her and I am gone."Dean was fast to recover. "You two should get a room."Sam stuck out his tongue before he got into the car. His brother didn't fool him anymore. Over the last week and through his demon senses he had seen Dean pet Breeze when he wasn't paying any attention to what he was doing. Fears always calmed down in the long run, unless there truly was something to stay afraid about. Sam had no doubt though that the main reason why Dean accepted a wolf moving into his car was due to his needs to keep her close. Then again, any being with a good soul who stood in their corner was family to his brother, and as such a few dirty paw prints only added to the history of the Impala their father had bought before they were even born."Drive." Sam said when he felt Dean's eyes on him from the driver's seat."Where to?""You've been out there, so you tell me.""All right. I've found your phone and listened to the four dozen or so messages Kevin left you." Before he could feel all too guilty for having lost the phone and letting down someone because of it Dean continued to lay out his plan. "Gotta give him credit. The kid escaped from Crowley and his demons. From the messages I know where he was last, but he sounded spooked and must have run on. We need to go there and pick up his trace before the demons grab him, Sammy. Figure out where he may have gone to and make sure that he is safe.""Agreed."Dean wasted no time to start the engine. He stepped on the gas, hard, to speed off onto the dirt track. Not before long rock music from decades long gone filled the car. Sam grinned to himself when he heard Dean attempt to sing along with the song. Though he would never tell his big brother this, he had missed the sound of the out of tune effort. This was what he'd grown up with, to Dean being, well… Dean.Breeze though seemed far less amused. She growled from the back seat, then changed her mind and howled as if attempting to sing along too. Sam laughed when in answer Dean glared at her through the rear-view mirror."What?" Sam teased him with an elaborate shrug meant to suggest that he didn't blame her for acting out."Two against one, huh?" His pout held no leverage, because he could not hang on to it for long enough. Grinning with mischief, Dean turned up the volume to sing along even louder and more off key than before. Driven out by his energy Breeze barked to mark out her place in the pack of three.Sam whimpered at the resulting cacophony of sounds. It was too much! Sound, sights and smells exploded in his brain. Only when he used his telekinetic power to slam the radio to a halt was he released from the onslaught of stimulae even his demon half could not process fast enough. "Dude… my senses. Have some mercy." Reaching out to the back seat he told Breeze with a sharp grasp around her leg to calm the hell down too."Never." Dean shook his head while he took a sharp turn to head onto the asphalt road out of the national park. Speeding onwards well over the set limit he faced Sam. "This counts for you both though. You damage my car and I will kill you.""I know."Blessed silence fell over them, companionable and familiar. Sam didn't look back once, not even when they drove past the signpost which told them of how they were leaving the national park. Hours on the road and state borders ahead awaited them. Sam didn't mind it. Now that he was healed, he found that he wasn't afraid to be out here after all. Not with Dean by his side.Whether people liked it or not he was human too. He refused to keep on hiding, because a hunter did what he had to do to fight for another day. If anything, he had to continue what he'd started. Kevin needed him back on the case again now that he was strong enough to help him, and others too would one day come to depend on his skills, even when they didn't know it yet. He'd prove those who'd ever feared him, and those who might in future, wrong. Sure in that knowledge Sam rested his head against the window to let the constant roar of the engine lull him to sleep.
THE END