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This is the only warning I will be putting in this story. This story contains triggering content, I don't want anyone to be triggered by this, so don't read if you may get triggered. How many times should I say the word triggered? Im trying to get my point across. This might have a happy ending, im not sure I haven't gotten that far yet, but it will have a lot of sadness.
Ashton curled his fists into the sleeves of his flannel, grinding his teeth. The air was ripping through him, making goose bumps rise on his skin. His converse slapped the sidewalk as he hurried up and tried to get to school faster. He didn't want to go into that building, but if it got him out of this strangely cold day he could manage. It shouldn't be this chilly, it was only September. School had just started up and Ashton was already overwhelmed. His locker was already overflowing with unorganized papers and books, pencils falling out and skidding across the floor when he opened it. Shaking his head and running his hands through his fringe, pushing it down to the side the way he liked it. He gathered up what he needed for his class, at least the stuff he could find. His seat was placed dead center in the classroom. He sat down with a huff and laid his supplies out. There was soft murmuring from the other classmates that where already in the room, along with the roar of everyone still out in the hallway. Eventually the bell rang and the room got louder as it filled up. Someone twice the size of Ashton bumped into his desk, sending his folder to the floor. When Ashton reached for it, another set of legs plowed into him. A knee to the face, and a set of steel toed boots on his outstretched fingers. "Oh my god" Michael, the owner of those legs and boots gasped. He stumbled back, then lunged forward toward Ashton to check on the boy. Ashton held his injured hand up to stop him, his other hand on his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and gently pushing around the edge of his eye socket. "Dude you're bleeding, let me help" Michael rambled, grabbing Ashton's wrist. He didn't notice how Ashton flinched at the pressure of those fingertips on his wrists. Michael dragged Ashton out of the classroom, pushing past the last group of students coming in. "Clifford, Irwin-" The teacher started but was cut off by the door slamming closed after the boys. They walked to the boy bathroom, Michael gathering up paper towel while Ashton looked at himself in the mirror. He had blood all over his chin, lips, it dripped off into the sink. Under his eye was already starting to bruise a little. The already swollen and dark bags under Ashton's eyes looked amplified. "I'm so sorry mate, I didn't see you there-" Michael trailed off, wetting down the towel and turning Ashton's face towards his. "Its alright" Ashton said softly, reaching up and grabbing the towel from the boy. He turned back to the mirror, gently wiping away as much of the blood as he could. "Good thing you're wearing a black shirt" Michael forcibly chuckled, shifting his weight from foot to foot. His green eyes peeked out shyly from under the mop of dirty blonde hair he had stayed the same as Ashton's. Michaels was longer though, the ends of it going to his chin. "Heh, yea" Ashton said, his voice still quite. "I really am sorry, I honestly didn't see you, I was texting my friend Calum and wasn't paying attention." "Dude its alright" Ashton sighed, wincing when his hand hit the edge of the sink. "Your hand!" Michael stepped toward Ashton, once again not noticing the flinch the smaller boy did. He picked up Ashton's hand, bringing it close to his face to examine it. His fingers and knuckles were red and swollen, faint bruising already showing around the nail beds on his index and middle finger. "Well it doesn't seem broken" Michael smiled, releasing Ashton's hand. "That's good" Ashton gave the other boy a small smile. "Your friend, Calum?" "Yea?" "Is his last name Hood?" "Yea! He's on the football team, you know him?""Kinda" "Well that's sweet!" Michael looked down at his phone, "We should probably head back to class" "Yea" Ashton sighed, turning back to the sink to fix his appearance a little, his face was still a little pink form the blood, but he looked fine. Just flushed. When they entered the classroom the teacher sent the two a glare. "Is everything all sorted out now?""Yes sir" Michael smiled, walking quickly to his seat, which happened to be two seats behind Ashton. When the boys sat down Ashton quickly started to rearrange his things when he stopped cold. His hands started to shake at the dark word that was scribbled across his notebook. FaggotAshton quickly changed the page, running his hand through his hair as he tried to calm down his breathing. The class went on in a blur, that one vulgar word bouncing around in Ashton's skull. This was the first time he has been called anything mean, well from anyone beside himself. He had some problems, he wasn't too nice to himself, but he never expected anyone to be anything but kind to him. Ashton's been nothing but kind to everyone he's met. He wasn't popular, and didn't talk much, but he liked it that way. When the bell rang he didn't want to close his notebook, didn't want to see that word again, let alone let any of his peers see it. Instead he kept it open to the page it was, and shoved it in between the pages of his textbook. He jumped when he heard Michael beside him. "So if you're friends with Calum why haven't you ever sat with him at lunch?" "Uh, I-" Ashton trialed off, not able to think of a good answer. "Well" Michael chuckled, sliding his arm over Ashton's shoulders as they walked out the door, "sit with us today" "In the café?""Yup" Michael popped the P"O-ok" The next two classes slinked by agonizingly slow. When the bell finally rang and singled the start of lunch Ashton shot out of his seat. He hurriedly placed his books in his locker and then booked it to the bathroom. Once inside he locked himself into the furthest stall from the door, resting his hands on the wall. He closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing, his heart beating out of his chest, his skin prickling with anxiety. Ashton didn't like eating in front of people. He hardly even liked eating, people just made it so much worse. He took a shuddering breath lifting his head up to stare at the ceiling. When he heard the door open he slapped a hand over his mouth. "Mikey I've told you, you have to watch where you're going!" Ashton recognized the voice as Calum's."I know, but it was an accident, and I invited him to eat lunch with us" Ashton could just see how excited Michael must've looked just by the sound of his voice. "And He said he knew you, and if it wasn't for me accidentally hurting him I might have never noticed him" "Didn't you say he sits two seats in front of you in first hour?" "Yea but I never noticed, he's always so quiet. How do you guys know each other?" "We've had a few classes together, had to work on a project or two""Was he always so quiet?" "Yea-" The rest of their conversation was cut off by the bathroom door swinging shut. Ashton backed up until his back hit the other wall, sliding down it to the floor. "Get your act together Irwin" he mutters, his hands twisting into his hair.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It wasn't until lunch was almost over when Ashton made an appearance at Michaels and Calums table. They sat with several other people, some from the football team, others that Ashton has seen around campus. Ashton was so nervous he couldn't stand still, he kept shifting from foot to foot, his eyes glancing up quickly to scan the table before becoming glued to the floor again. Someone pulled out a chair for him, and Ashton found himself wedged between Calum and someone else he didn't know.
"Hey Ashton!" Michael smiled, leaning past Calum so he could see the other boy. Ashton nodded his head in acknowledgement.
"Where have you been?" Calum asked, his lips turned into a smile around whatever kind of chips he was shoving in them.
"Test" Ashton said quietly, wringing his hands in the sleeves of his flannel in his lap.
"Did you eat already?" Someone asked from across the table, gesturing that Ashton didn't have any food with him.
"Y-yea" Ashton breathed, feeling his chest tighten slightly as he tried to bounce his leg. It was trapped under the bar of the table so he tried the other one. He was sitting so close to Calum that when he bounces his leg, it rubbed against the other boys. Ashton stopped quickly.
"Sorry" he mumbled, looking down the hide the blush that was heating up his face.
"No problemo" Calum smiled, turning back to the conversation he was having. Ashton spent the rest of the lunch period picking at his fingernails under the table, listening in on the different conversations being held at the table. Occasionally someone would say his name, try to get him involved, but Ashton would only give a strained smile or word or two before returning to his picking.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The rest of the day resumed in its normal routine. Things clattering out of Ashtons over stuffed locker. Him quietly sitting in class, trying to make himself as small as possible. He realized he had four other classes with the two other boys. Both of which made embarrassedly big scenes when seeing Ashton. Basically he had first hour, which is science, lunch, music, gym, and math with at least one of the boys, if not both of them. All of those classes, included alot of funny faces and whispered comments sent toward the curly haired boy. Ashton was a little uncomfortable, he just started talking to these boys today, why did they already start acting like he was their best friend. It's not like Ashton didn't want to be their friend, he was just confused, they've had classes together for years, and just now seem to be noticing him. Eventually the bell rang for the end of the day. Ashton packed his backpack with the things he needed, then headed his walk home. When he reached his house he loosened his grip on his bag straps, taking his keys out of his pocket he let himself in. The stairs creaked under his weight as he stomped up them to his room. The noise made him cringe, the acid in his stomach churning. He threw his bag in the direction of his desk before quickly stripping out of his skinny jeans. A sigh of relief filled the room as his skin was able to breathe again. Without looking too long he quickly grabbed the pair of sweatpants left discarded by his bed and put them on. Then grabbing his phone, he clambered back down the stairs. He stopped in the kitchen, getting some water, then went through to the door that lead to the basement. His sock covered feet almost slid on the second step, making him grab the railing and let out a squeak. His water bottle went bouncing down the steps before crashing into the wall at the end of the stairs. Slower this time, Ashton continued down to the basement. Snagging his water bottle off the ground, he walked to the back corner. A small smile lifted his lips as he sat himself down on his drum stool, picking up the drum sticks and rubbing the pads of his fingers on them. Lucky his injured hand felt fine, just a tad sore. He had almost two hours before his family was due home, that's two hours of uninterrupted drumming.
After tapping the sticks together a few times, he started in on a familiar beat.
His drumming was interrupted two hours later when his little brother ran into the room. Ashton stopped quickly, grabbing his flannel and putting it back on. Harry didn't seem to notice, he just started rambling to his big brother about his day. Ashton was heaving, sweat running down him, making his clothes stick to him. He nodded along to Harry's stories, taking gulps of the water. "Oh and dinner's almost ready" Harry added, walking backward as Ashton stood up. The boys went upstairs.
"Tell Mum in showering" Ashton said before running up the next set of stairs. He ran to his room, grabbing a new set of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. Walking to the bathroom he made sure to lock the door before looking in the mirror. His flesh was red, the sweat making him look gross. His hair stuck to his forehead, and he had some lines in his face from scrunching so hard while drumming. He took off the flannel, before reaching in and starting the water. He peeled off the rest of his clothes, without looking in the mirror. Lastly he took off the bracelets that cluttered his arm. Red angry scars stared up at him, the skin of his wrist destroyed beyond recognition. He ran his hand through his hair, grimacing at the feeling of how sweaty it was. Glancing in the mirror he saw how it stuck up at odd angles. Ashton spun around and stepped into the shower, quickly washing himself down. After he cleaned himself, he stood under the water. His eyes staring blankly at the wall ahead of him. At one point they moved down to his wrist, the water trailed down it, swirling around until they reached the end of his fingertips and fell to the tile below. Ashton whipped his head up when there was banging on the door. "Dinner!" he heard his sister yell, followed by her footsteps running down the stairs. Ashton turned off the water, stepping out and grabbing the towel that hung off the back of the door. Ashton took his time getting dressed, trying to draw out the amount of time he had before he had to go downstairs. He dries his hair off with the towel so it was only damp, choosing to let it air dry. Looking in the mirror he frowned a little at the small curls that started to form. Taking a deep breath he then unlocked the door and stepped out into the slightly cooler hallway. He tugged his sleeves down, making sure they hung to his fingertips, that he then used to rub the soft fabric between, trying to ease his anxiety. Once he got halfway down the stairs, his families happy dinner time chatter ringing in his ears, he took a deep breath. PLastering what he hoped was a convincing smile on his face he stomped loudly down the last few steps, jumping into the kitchen and playing the role of the giggly son. He race past his family to the kitchen, quickly filling a bowl about a quarter of the way up with pasta. He then used his fork to smear some sauce around his mouth, before hunching over the bowl with his back to his family to pretend he was eating.
"Ashton!" His mother yelled, making him straighten up, "Sit down hon" she said smiling while shaking her head. "If you were ready earlier you wouldn't be so hungry that you couldnt wait to get to the table to eat." If only you knewAshton smiled, letting a noodle slip out of his mouth and land back in the bowl. So far he hasn't actually eaten anything. He moved over to the table, sitting down in his spot. He paid rapid attention to his family, they thought he was listening intensely to their day, but really he was waiting until they weren't looking before bringing his napkin up and spitting the food from his mouth into it. He would then place the napkin between his knees under the table, letting his dog eat out of his hand. After his meal looked like he put a dent in it, Ashton jumped up, making the rest of his family jump as well. "I totally forgot I have homework!" Ashton gasped, before running his dish to the sink, and skipping past the table and back up the stairs. He heard his mother scolding him under her breath, before asking his siblings if they too had homework. Ashton shut his bedroom door behind him, letting out a sigh. He grabbed his phone, checking through his twitter notifications, and walked out into the bathroom. Locking the door behind him, he brushed his teeth, letting out a small sigh at the fact that he didn't eat anything today, meaning he didn't have to purge anything. He hated doing that, his gag reflect was horrible, so it would take him a few painful hours to get anything up. Usually resulting in a lot of spit, a sore throat, gross fingers and a lot of frustration and feelings of failure from the boy. Once he brushed his teeth he stood there staring at his reflection. His fingers twitched at his side, his wrists getting hot as the urge to self harm grew inside him. Today wasn't a horrible day. Still, no one cares enough to worry about you. He let out a heavy sigh as his head filled with more and more thoughts. Eventually he found himself curled up in his bed, his arms stinging to the high heavens, the bandages wrapped tightly around his thin arms to try and keep him from bleeding through to his shirt. He pulled the sleeves down, making sweater paws that then pushed into his chin, the blanket pulled up over his head as he curled into the smallest ball possible in the top corner of his bed. His nose almost touched his wall, his knees pulled to his shuttering chest. His eyes burned with tears that wouldn't shed. He hasn't cried in a long time. He used to cry himself to sleep, now he just got filled with the overwhelming urge to cry while his eyes remained blank. This was much worse. At least with crying he was guaranteed to pass out right after. With this, he would be awake for hours.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next morning started with the screaming of Ashton's alarm. He let out a whimper as he stretched out to slap the snooze button, his arm screaming as the movement pulled on his wounds from the night before. Slowly he sat up, balling his fists and using them to rub some sleep from his eyes. When he could open them enough he noticed the time. Shit. He was late. He was so incredibly late. In a panic he shot toward his closet, pulling on a pair of black skinny jeans, and putting a hoodie over the shirt he wore to bed. Wincing with each movent due to his arms. He grabbed his phone, and backpack, hopping down the stairs two at a time. At the door he struggled with his shoes, hopping around on one foot and slamming into the wall and counter several times, making him yelp as the counters edge dug into his hip. He grabbed an extra water bottle, before running out the door. When he got to the sidewalk he quickly spun on his heels and ran back up to the door, locking it, and shoving the keys into his hoodie pocket.
Ashton wasnt a fan of running. His side started cramping two blocks back, and his vision was starting to tunnel. He felt sweat bead on the back of his neck and under his arms, making him curse since he didn't get a chance to put deodorant on, or brush his teeth. By the time he ran up the school steps he almost screamed at the sight of him. His reflection in the window showed his chest heaving up and down, his hair was a crazy curly mess. He had drool still on the corner of his mouth. Cringing he pushed open the front door, running to his locker. He almost let out a cheer when he found a beanie hanging off one of the hooks in the metal door. Grabbing the stuff he needed for his first few classes he scurried into the bathroom. Setting his stuff on the corner of the sink he took a distraught look at his reflection. His hair was sticking up everywhere. He put on the beanie, trying to make it so the curls pinned the edges of the cap. that Didn't work. He ripped off the hat in frustration, before turning on the tap. CLosing his eyes he put his head under the running water. Well as much as he could since the sink did not allow much space. He ran his hands through his hair a few times then stood up. Grimacing at his reflection as a strip of hair right down the middle of his head was matted down with water, the sides still stuck up in wild curls. He ran his hands through it, moving it around so his whole head was damp. Then he smoothed it down, trying to mimic the style he goes for when he straightens it. Once he got it as good as it was gonna get, he carefully put the beanie back on, moving hair around so hopefully the beanie made it dry in that place.
Ashton didn't hold much hope for it though. Ashton realized that his first class was almost over so he just went to wait by his second hour, planning on just asking michael about class at lunch. When the bell rung Ashton shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Pushing himself as close to the wall was he physically could he tried to avoid his peers touching him. Once the stream of students coming out of his next class room thinned out to nothing, he stepped in.
"Ashton your quite early" His teacher smiled, fixing a stack of papers on her desk. He just nodded, giving a tight lipped smile to be polite before dropping his eyes to the floor. He hurried to his desk, which was in the back of this class. The rest of his classmates started filing in and soon the warning bell rung. Ashton was doodling on his notebook and almost yelped when the chair next to him at his desk was pulled back. He looked up with wide eyes at the kid who sat next to him. Ashton didnt think hes ever seen this boy before, he had blonde hair that was styled into a similar fringe as Ashtons. "Hey im luke" The boy smiled a little. Ashton could tell he was nervous, his blue eyes, which Ashton couldn't help but be mesmerized by, kept moving quickly. They would look at the kids around them, then scan Ashton again. It was then that Ashton noticed that other students where looking at Luke. Well they were looking at Ashton too, mostly smirking, and already warning Luke not to talk to the other boy.
"Careful new kid, you don't want to be caught up in the wrong crowd" Ashton heard a female say. Ashton bit his lip, pulling at the ends of his sleeves. He quickly averted his gaze from the new kid, picking up his pencil again and continuing his doodling.
"I like your doodles" Luke leaned over and whispered, his deep voice, and his breath hitting ashtons neck made him shiver.
"T-thanks" Ashton murmured.
"No problem" Luke smiled, before shifting back into his seat and writing down some of the notes that AShton finally realized that he was missing. He let out a little gasp and started frantically trying to copy the notes. After basically forty five minutes of Ashton taking notes, and sneaking glances at the boy next to him the teacher gave them the last few minutes to start the homework.
"Um, uh-" Ashton started, his voice getting caught in his throat as he watched Luke turn to him. "I-i I missed the, um-"
"The first section of notes?" Luke had a small barely there smirk on his lips.
"Yea" Ashton sighed, bowing his head.
"Its cool" Luke smiled, sliding his notebook over so Ashton could copy the notes. Luke's hand writing was neat, with a slight slant, he didn't know why but this made Ashton smile a little. "Do you think you could help me with the homework?" Luke asked, hesitantly. "It seems that I needed to have been here for earlier lessons to get some of the questions"
"Oh yea, of course" Ashton said, his stomach twisting when Luke let out a grin, a single dimple on his face.
"Sweet, Here's my number, we could meet up after school or something?" Luke said it like a question, like he wasn't sure Ashton wanted to do that. Ashton just smiled, pulling his phone out and keeping it under the table while he copied luke's number into his phone. He sent luke a text. Its Ashton :) Ashton watched Luke save his number under the name ASHxX which made the older boy smile a little. The bell rang and Luke let out a little chuckle when Ashton jumped at it. It didn't sound like a mean chuckle, like Luke was making fun of AShton for being so skittish, it was more of a friendly one. The two gathered their things, then started walking toward the door. "W-what what what classes do do do you h-have have next?" Ashton asked, stopping and turning toward the taller boy and closing his eyes in embarrassment from his stutter.
"Uh, let me check" Luke said, putting his books down and pulling his schedule out of his pocket. "Art" Luke looked up at Ashton to see his response, "Then lunch"
"I don't have art" Ashton sighed, "But we we we have lunch together" He said quickly when he saw the boy frown.
"Ok, is it alright if I join you and your friends for lunch?" Luke asked, putting his list back in his pocket and picking his books back up.
"Uh sure" Ashton said, not really looking forward to spending more time in the cafe.
"Awesome! Now if you could point me in the direction of the art room, I'll see you in an hour!" The blonde boy smiled big. Ashton directed Luke to his next class then headed off to his next hour. Ashton had homeroom for this hour, basically an hour for him to do homework and study. He sat himself down at the table in the back of the library. Pulling his stuff out he got to work, finishing the homework he didn't get to the night before, and finishing his first two hours of homework. He knows he said he'd help Luke, and he still planned on it, that doesnt mean he wants to not get it done asap though.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When the bell rang for lunch he slowly packed up his things, trying to prolong his arrival to the cafe. He pulled his phone out when he felt it vibrate from a text message.
Calum- Mikes pissed for some reason, can you help me find him?
Ashton- sure, meet me at my locker?
Calum- C U
Ashton sighed a little, if they spent their lunch looking for the colorful boy then he wouldn't have to worry about lying about his lack of food. By the time he reached his locker he saw Calum leaning against it, the boy wore skinny jeans and a footie shirt. Ashton nudged him out of the way and put in the combination for his locker. "So he just snapped at me that I needed to shut up then took off" Calum huffed, crossing his arms and rocking back and forth so his shoulder kept slamming into the lockers next to Ashtons. Ashton just nodded, putting all his stuff away and closing his locker. "Hopefully it won't be long to find him, because i'm starving, and I don't want to keep you from eating" Calum laughed. "It's fine" Ashton said softly, giving Calum a tight lipped smile. "Ok" Calum clapped his hands, "I say we start at the music room because mikey likes that room" Ashton nodded and the two heading off toward the direction of the art wing. On their way there Ashton heard a familiar voice call out, "Hey Ashton!! Calum!" Ashton spun around and smiled a little at the sight of Luke running toward them. "I was about to text you and ask where you where" Luke smiled, shoving a baby carrot into his mouth when he stopped near them, his lunch bag hanging off his wrist, open and exposing the contents. "Found us" Calum smiled, "You know Ashton?" "Yes we have second hour together" Luke smiled, bumping his hip into Ashtons. Ashton felt heat crawl up his neck as he tried to regain his balance. "Oops sorry" Luke giggled, which the sound of made Ashtons blush reach his face. "So where are you guys heading? I thought the lunch room was the other way?" Luke pointed over his shoulder. "It is, but we were looking for mikey" Calum said, reaching in and taking a baby carrot out of luke's bag, "Thanks mate" He smiled popping it into his mouth. "I don't think he likes me" Luke said a little quieter, biting his lip and furrowing his brows. "Nonsense, Mikey loves everyone!" Calum said, turning on his heels and walking toward the music room. "I don't know, but if you say so" Luke said hesitantly, waking up so he was next to Ashton. "Want one?" Luke asked, holding out a carrot for Ashton, who just shook his head. Luke shrugged and bit it in half. The trio walked toward the closed music room door, the sound of guitar strumming hitting their ears. "Yea he's in there" Calum smiled, pushing the door open. The strumming stop immediately when the three boys stepped in. "Oh you gotta be fucking shitting me" Michael groaned, glaring at the three. Ashton felt himself shrinking into his hoodie, him and luke standing behind Calum. Luke just looked confused, and gave Calum a look that said 'told you'. Ashton knew michael didn't really want to be friends with him, he was just feeling sorry for hurting the boy the other day. "What's wrong?" Calum asked, crossing his arms and clenching his hands into fists. "You, and him" Michael growled, pointing at luke, who now bit his lip and took a step toward the door. "I can leave-" Luke started, "Yea" "No" Michael and Calum spoke at the same time. "What is your problem?" Calum asked again, this time his voice was louder, not quite yelling but you knew the raven haired boy was upset. "You completely ignored me last period! You just wanted the shiny new toy!" "You were like that with Ashton!" Calum skeered, making the two boys behind him flinch. "So your the only one allowed to make new friends?" "no , it's not like that" Michael sighed. "Then what? Because that's what it seems like"
Luke and Ashton were now to the door, Luke's hand on the door knob, but both of their heads looking between the two best friends. "You already have so many friends!" michael yelled, standing up and putting the guitar on the chair. "You already have the football team, and your popular and athletic, and you keep befriending so many other people, i'm scared you'll forget about me." Michaels voice kept getting quieter so by the end of his outbursts, he was talking almost as quietly as Ashton, his eyes looking at the floor, his lip trembling between his teeth. "You idiot" Calum sighed, stepping toward his best friend and pulling him into a hug. "You my best friend, we grew up together, i could never forget about you, i'm sorry I didn't realize I was ignoring you. It's just that Luke was new and I wanted him to feel welcome."
Luke tugged on Ashtons sleeve and the two stepped out unnoticed, letting the other two be alone while they made up. "Wanna just eat here?" Luke asked, sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor. Ashton nodded and sat down next to the blonde. His hands hiding in his sleeves, and he stared at his lap. "Where's your food?" "Already ate" Ashton mumbled, "How, we've been busy all hour" "I have homeroom last hour" "Oh, smart" Luke said, biting into his sandwich. After he ate a few bites he spoke again, "do you always talk so quietly?" This question made Ashton blush, and shrug. "Cool" Luke said dropping it, and continuing to eat his lunch. Eventually the other two boys joined them, both sharing michaels lunch that he brought with him to the music room. "Do you guys play any instruments?" Calum asked, "Guitar" Luke said with a mouth full of food. "Ashton?" Calum asked after nodding to lukes response, Ashton just shrugged. He had a drum set but, he didn't think he was actually good, it was more like a stress reliever. "Well I play bass" Calum said, puffing out his chest like he was boasting.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The four stayed in the hallway since their next class was in fact music.
"Are you sure you don't play anything? I thought I saw you on the drums yesterday" michael asked as they entered the classroom.
"I have a a a a drum kit, but im n-not good" Ashton said, once again his soft voice making the other three lean in a little to hear him, this made ashton kick himself. He needed to stop being so pathetic, just speak up!
"Drums are awesome!" Luke beamed, putting his arm around ashton and pulling him to the group of chairs the boys claimed. Ashton brought his sweater covered hands up and covered his face. The sight made Lukes stomach twist, which caught the blonde off guard. The four settled down in their seats, Luke on one end, then Ashton, Calum, and michael. The task for the class was to break off into groups, and pick a song to work on and will be covering and performing in front of the class at the end of the following week for a grade.
"Let's do jersey rea" Luke suggested, his fingers fiddling with a guitar in his lap.
"I like that song" Calum agreed.
"I wanted to do miss you by blink" michele pouted.
"Oh that's a good one too" Calum agreed. "I guess that leaves Ashton as the tie breaker" That made Ashton stiffen.
"I-am fine with with either"
"That doesn't help silly" Luke laughed, leaning forward to nudge Ashtons knee.
"Well we could do both, and which ever one we think sounds better we could go with?" CAlum suggested. The other three boys agreed on that.
"Can anyone sing?" Calum asked,
"I do" Luke said, Calum nodded,
'I sing a little, and I know mikey does, i've heard him"
"I'm not that good cal"
"Shush, yea you are"
"Do you sing Ash?" Luke asked, the sudden nickname made Ashtons gut twist, but in a good way. The quiet boy shook his head.
"Your not lying to us again are you?" Michael teased, Ashton again shook his head, tugging nervously on his sleeves.
"Alright" Calum clapped, "let's pull up and then write all the lyrics down." So that's what the group did for the rest of class.
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"Psss, Ashton" Ashton looked up and narrowed his eyes at Michael. "What?" He whispered back, sneaking a glance at the teacher to make sure he wasn't noticing the boys. "Cal wants to have a sleepover Friday. Have the four of us hang out, pizza, video games" "He couldn't text it?" Ashton smirked, the kid sitting between the two let out a little groan. Glaring at the both of them before ducking his head back down and working on the work they were supposed to be doing. "Well he's gonna but I got excited" michael blushed a little, Ashton chuckled, "I can ask my parents" "Yes" michael cheered, the kid between them slammed his pencil down and glared at them. "Eliott?" The teachers voice boomed over "is everything ok?" "Just grand" the kid mumbled. "Get back to work" The rest of the class turned back to their work. At the end of the day Ashton groaned as he tried to put all his books in his bags. Things were falling out of his locker, his bags zipper got stuck, he could feel his skin starting to itch. The familiar feeling of anxiety was slowly growing across his back, climbing up his neck. He needed to get out of there. If someone where to touch him right now he would lose it. Even the air touching him was making him shake, he felt like he could feel all the little particles in the air. His hands started to shake and that was making it even more difficult to gather all his stuff. His chest was tightening and he started rocking back and forth on his toes while he squeezed his knees tighter around his bookbag. Think. What triggers this? What triggered me? Ashton tried to take a deep breath, slowly moving his eyes around to try and see if anything was to blame for this sudden attack. Instead he fell back onto his butt, his hands slapping the tile floor behind him. He blew the air out through his nose, trying again to take a deep breath. Ashton heard footsteps coming toward him and the panicked feeling rose in his chest. Ignoring his things sprawled out on the floor he took off running toward the nearest set of bathrooms. He stumbled into a stall, slamming the door shut and pushing his sweaty palms against it. Again Ashton tried to focus on breathing. His forehead was glossy with sweat, the hair at the nape of his neck stuck to his skin. His fingers, pushing into the grimmy bathroom wall still shook. His breath got caught in his chest when he heard the bathroom door open, his hazel eyes snapping open and a small whimper leaving his lips. "Ashton?" It was luke. Ashton felt embarrassment flood his chest, the panic amplifying at the fact that Ashton couldn't calm down. He didn't know what triggered him, and now his new friend is going to tease him, Luke is gonna leave Ashton and spread it around school how pathetic he was. "Ash?" Luke said softer, a knock sounded on the stall Ashton was in. Ashtons knees buckled under him and he fell to the gross floor. He wanted to get up, he hated how disgusting the bathroom floor was, but he was losing feeling in his limbs. He heard Luke enter the stall next to him, then looked up when he saw a shadow fall over him. Luke was leaning over the top of the wall dividing the two stalls. His blue eyes widened when he took in the sight in front of him. Ashton let out another whimper as he watched Luke somehow haul his lanky body over the wall and fall to the floor next to Ashton. Luke winched, clearly landing wrong, but he quickly focused on the boy in front of him. "Ash, hey man you gotta breathe" Luke said, his voice surprisingly stable since his face was almost as pale as Ashtons and his eyes were wide. Ashton tried to calm down his hyperventilation but failed to do so. "Uh, ok" Luke looked around trying to think. "Can I touch you?" He asks, Ashton slowly nodded, unsure of what the blonde what planning. Luke slowly reached out and touched Ashtons arm. It felt like his hand was on fire, Ashton let out a scream and lurched away from luke, hitting his head on the side of the toilet. "Shit, im sorry Ash!" Luke yelps, his hands hovering over the trembling boy unsure what to do now. "Try to breath with me ok?" Ashton nods, wincing as the movement sent a shock of pain down his neck. "Ok, in, one, two, three" Luke took over exacerbated breaths, watching Ashton try to mimic him but failing. "Out, three, two, one" After a few tried Luke could see this clearly isn't working. Ashton if anything was getting worse, his face was extremely pale, and his eyes started to droop as the lack of oxygen reaching his brain started to affect the older boy. Ashton by now had his eyes clenched shut, his hands tugging at his hair, and his legs painfully tried to be drawn to his chest but for some reason they couldn't be. Then he heard singing. He slowly opened his eyes, his head starting to swirl and spin. Luke was singing, slowly getting louder when he noticed Ashton watching him. Ashton didn't seem to notice but his breathing was getting quieter, not as frantic as he focused on the beautiful sound coming out of the boy in front of him. "I don't believe in saintsThey never make mistakesI know it's not my placeWho am I to tell you that you need to change?His closet's such a messFilled up with all the skeletons he's keptNobody's perfect I confessBut he's perfect enough without ever dressing up, yeah"Ashton felt his chest slowly loosen, and fill with a little warmth when he noticed that Luke changed the pronouns in the song. "Dirty laundry is piling in his roomhe's got his secrets, yeah I got mine tooI don't care about what you didOnly care about what we doDirty laundryLooks good on you"Luke stopped singing and smiled a little once it looked like Ashton was calmed down, his body was relaxed, and he had a small tint to his cheeks. His hazel eyes wouldn't meet lukes. "Better?" Luke asks softly, sighing with relief when Ashton nodded. "Want to stand up now?" Luke slowly stood up, offering his hand to the boy under him. Hesitantly Ashton placed his clammy hand in luke's, Letting the taller boy haul him up. Once he was standing Luke quickly let go of Ashtons hand, not sure if he could touch the boy a lot after his reaction moments before. Ashtons eyes stayed trained on the floor, and his hands made little grabby motions at his sides before he shoved him in his pockets. This made Luke frown, did Ashton want him to hold his hand. "Do, do you want me to hold your hand?" Luke asks, leaning over a little to look at Ashtons face. "No" The other boy breathed, his normal speaking volume even quieter now that he was exhausted from his breakdown. "Ash?" Luke pushed, smirking and raising his eyebrow. "Don't have too" Ashton mumbled, luke almost didn't hear it. "Can I?" the blond asks, making Ashtons heart spasm for a beat. SLowly he pulled his hand out of his pocket and let is hand by his side, still unsure at what was happening. Luke smiled and slowly grabbed Ashtons hand, linking their fingers and letting his thumb swipe across the back of Ashtons large hand. Luke's lips broke into a smile when he felt Ashtons hand tighten around his. They exited the stall, Ashton letting out a strangled gasp at the sight of him. The boys hair was all askew from him grabbing it, his eyes were puffy and pink, and he had tear stains on his pale cheeks. Luke pursed his lips before turning to Ashton, who was once again staring at the floor beneath them. "Do you want to come round to my place?" Luke asks, gently running his hands through Ashtons in attempt to flatten it back down into the fringe he had it in before. "Don't wanna bother you" Ashton said, glancing up at luke before looking back down, still incredibly ashamed and embarrassed that Luke had found him in the state he was. "You would be bothering me! I would love for you to come over!" Luke smiles, tugging Ashton toward the door of the bathroom, "Come on, it'll be fun, we can order a pizza, and play video game sand music and netflix and whatever else you wanna do" The blonde was rambling on, his smile was almost infectious as Ashton felt himself start to smile again. When they got into the halls Luke kept talking, listing off all the games and movies he has at his house. Ashton, while trying to listen to the boy next to him, was also very aware of how warm his hand felt clasped in luke's. Ashton felt his heart drop when he heard someone calling down the hall. He quickly yanked his hand out of Luke's in shoved it back in his pocket, tilting his face back toward the floor. Luke stopped talking, frowning at the shorter boy, wondering what he said that affected Ash that much. "Ash?" Luke asked, stopping and grabbing Ashtons upper arm to make him stop. "Is everything ok? Did I say something?" Ashtons eyes got big and he started frantically shaking his head. "Then why did you suddenly get all closed off?" Luke asked, his hand started reaching for Ashtons but instead he let it fall. Ashton watched Luke's hand go into his back pocket. "Someone could see" Ashton said, his breathy voice making Luke have to lean forward slightly to hear him. "I don't care" Luke smiled a little, "If you still want to hold my hand, I don't care who sees Ash" Ashton felt his stomach clench at the nickname, and at what Luke was saying. Luke didn't care who saw him with Ashton. "I don't want you to get bullied" Ashton wrung his hands in the fabric of his pocket, his wrists starting to burn at the idea of anyone bullying luke. Ashton would rather have himself get bullied than Luke. Ashton never really was bullied, he wasn't social, and no one really tried to be his friend. Until Luke, and michael, and Calum. The idea of friends was still a little strange to Ashton, but he didn't want to lose them. "You don't have to hold my hand if you don't want to ash, but don't not hold it for fear of what others will say. I don't care who sees it, and what they think. If holding my hand comforts you, then i want to hold it." Ashton offered a tight lipped smile, but before he could say anything the boys turned to see a Calum running toward them. "Hey guys!" Calum smiled, "ash is that your stuff all over the floor?" Calum pointed toward the direction of Ashtons locker. "Shit!" The older boy gasped, pushing past his chuckling friends and running toward his belongings that were left behind in his panic to get out of the hallway. This time he was able to get all his homework into his bag with no problem. Shoving the few stray pencils and papers into his locker he slammed it shut before anything could fall back out again. He turned around and jumped when he saw a grinning duo right behind him. "You gotta clean out your locker" Calum chuckled shaking his head. Luke nodded in agreement. "I invited Calum over too if thats ok" Luke says, raising his eyebrows at Ashton, "and mike" "Of course!" Ashton smiled, a little sad that he wouldn't have alone time with the blond, but also glad that there will most likely be no awkward silences with four boys. "Sweet! I gotta go home and change, but then I can grab Michael and bring him to your house" The kiwi says slapping Luke's back and taking off in the opposite direction. Luke laughs and gestures to Ashton to start walking. The two walked in silence to lukes beat up car, but it was a comfortable silence. After struggling with the passenger side door and luke embarrassingly apologising for the messy state of his car he put the key in the ignition. Ashton jumped when the speakers blasted at full volume. Once he calmed down he noticed that his hand held Lukes sleeve, which was being tugged around while the boy tried to turn down his volume. Ashton let go, quickly turning to stare out the window while Luke finished getting situated. The song was a FOB song, and Ashton tapped his fingers on his backpack to the beat. Luke noticed, smiling at the boy who sat next to him. Ashtons feet was occasionally pushing an empty monster can or food wrapper around but the older boy didn't seem to notice or mind. This eased Luke a little, as embarrassing as his messy car could be sometimes, he could never seem to get around to actually cleaning the damn thing. He had clothes thrown around in the back seat, as well as a sleeping bag and two pillows. His passenger seat was full of food and drink wrappers, and he didn't even want to think what was in his trunk.
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Luke sang along to his music on the drive to his house, his voice putting a veil of calmness over Ashton as anxiety tried to build up over going to a friends house. Ashton took out his phone and texted his mom that he was going to a friends house. She was quick to respond, that she was happy he was actually getting out of his room and she hoped he has fun. He rolls his eyes at his mom while putting his phone back into his pocket. Eventually they arrive at Luke's and the blond was bouncing around like a toddler on sugar while waiting for Ashton to get out of the car and walk up to his doorstep. Ashton chuckled, swinging his bag over his shoulder and following Luke into his house.Luke's house was decent, it had beige walls in the living room, that also held two very comfy overstuffed couches. There was a large TV on the far wall, and the entry into the kitchen to their right. After kicking off their shoes, Ashton Followed luke as the blond went into the kitchen."You hungry?" Luke asked, looking over his shoulder to see Ashton shake his head. "Thirsty?" at this Ashton nodded. "Is water good? That's really all we have here" Ashton nodded again and watched as luke grabbed two glasses and filled them up with tap water. Ashton was quick to gulp down half of the glass before stopping which made Luke laugh.Once Aston filled his glass back up and Luke got a snack the two ran up the stairs to the second floor. Ashton took in all the family pictures lining the hallway walls, following luke to a door that was covered with band posters and stickers. Luke bumped the door open with his hip,"Sorry for the mess" he blushed letting Ashton step past him and into the room. Compared to his car Luke's room was clean. His bed was unmade and his dirty hamper was overflowing but other than that, Ashton really didn't see the problem. Ashton walked over and started at the three guitars hanging from Luke's wall."I wasn't lying when I said I played" Luke laughed, moving stuff over on his dresser so he could set down his glass and food. Ashton slowly spun around, looking at all the posters and pictures Luke had on his walls. Luke quickly rushed past him and pulled his blankets on his bed so it looked a little better."So, you want to play video games? Watch tv? Homework?" Luke rambled, using his hand to scratch the back of his neck. Ashton just shrugged. "Well, how about we do some homework, then once Cal and mikey get here we can do something we actually want to do""Sounds good" Ashton whispered, walking over to retrieve his homework from his bag. After a half hour of Ashton listening to Luke grumble at his math book, and pretending to do his homework when really he was just focusing on the boy in front of him. Luke kept tugging his lip between his teeth, his brows furrowed and Ashton found it quite adorable. This thought made the older boy take a sharp inhale and quickly look down at his history book. Feeling his skin prickle at Luke's eyes looking at him."Everything alright?""Stupid" Ashton mumbled, slamming his textbook shut as if to prove that he was talking about his school work and not the thoughts that just filled his head."Agreed, let's do something else" Luke also slams his book shut and stands up. Ashton watched as Luke piled up all his school stuff and put them on his desk instead of sprawled around the floor where the boys were sitting. Ashtons gut was twisted in a very uncomfortable feeling.I'm not gayAshton kept chanting in his head. He couldn't be, especially for Luke.It was just because he wasn't used to this whole friend thing, he was confusing platonic feelings with romantic. At least that's what he told himself.Ashton followed Luke downstairs and realized that while he was lost in thought the others had shown up.
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Calum and michael were very loud when they came in, chanting Pizza at the top of their lungs. Michael was holding two pizza boxes over his head and Calum was dancing around his colorful boy like some native dance."You guys are so weird" Luke laughed, taking one of the pizzas from Michael and the two placed them on the counter in the kitchen. The other three quickly dug in, the grease dripping from their lips on onto the counter they stood over and the sight made Ashton nauseous. The smell of the pizza met Ashtons nose and it smelled good, but his head was screaming about how many calories were in pizza. The other three didn't seem to notice as Ashton left the room, searching for a few moments before finding the bathroom. He closed and locked the door behind him. Stepping up to the counter he started at his reflection in the mirror."Fattie" Ashton mouthed, no sound actually leaving his mouth. He turned on the faucet and cupped his hands under the running water. After splashing water on his face a few times Ashton turned off the tap and took a few steps backwards until he felt his calves hit the side of the bathtub. SLowly Ashton lowered himself down so he was sitting on the edge of the tub, putting his face in his hands he tried t5o compose himself. God he was being so pathetic. Surely the others will realize how big of a mistake it was trying to friend Ashton. Soon they'll leave him. Ashton lifted his head and looked at his reflection again.They can't leave you if you leave them first.With that he took a shaky breath and stood up. He would stay for a few more minutes than just say his mom needed him home. Then he would disassociate with the trio for good. He would completely exit their lives. IT would be best for everyone if he did that, it's only been two weeks or so, nothing would be missed.When he entered the living room he was met with the other three boys viciously attack each other with throw pillow."Ashton!" Luke yelled, ducking out of the way of an oncoming pillow. "There you are! Grab a pillow! Your on my team!" Ashton smiled, grabbing a throw pillow off the floor and bounding over to the others. Right away he was smacked in the face.Ashton regained his balance hearing Luke scolding michael "Mikey we said no faces!" Luke jumped off the couch and landed on calum back, screaming like a banshee. Ashton extended his arms to hit michael back but let out a gasp as the movement pulled at the injured on his arms. He quickly pulled his arms to his chest, tears pricking around his eyes as he could feel several cuts have been reopened and some blood was finding its way down his arm. Ashton quickly spun on his heals, racing back toward the bathroom. He heard the boys yelled his name in confusion and concern and soon the sound of three pairs of feet chasing after him. Ashton luckily was able to get to the bathroom and close and lock the door before the other could get there. Ignoring the pounding on the door she slowly lifted the sleeves of his shirt, wincing at the slight he started rubbing toilet paper. He pressed the paper to his wounds, they quickly seeped up blood that was now pour out of his wrists."Shit" Ashton mumbled, throwing the paper into the toilet before flinging open random cupboards in the bathroom. He sighed a little when he found a small box of bandages. He quickly wrapped them around his arms, making sure they were not too tight. Then pulling down his sleeves, he flushed the toilet and opened the door."Dude are you ok?" Michael asked, his eyes were wide, ashton just nodded a little."I need to go home" He said, casting his eyes down toward the floor."Do you want one of us to drive you?" Luke asked, putting his hand on ashtons shoulder and frowning when the older boy flinched."No, i can walk" Ashton said softly, pushing past the boys and running to luke's room to grab his things."Will you text us when you get home so we know you made it?" Calum asked when Ashton returned back downstairs. The older boy nodded, showing the trio his phone."Are you sure everything is ok?" Luke asked again, worry evident on his face. Ashton just smiled a little and nodded. With That he left the Hemmings household. What Ashton didn't know, was that Luke knew something was up. For when Ashton left the bathroom, luke noticed the open cupboard and how the bandages where obviously used. Along with that, Luke noticed a little smear of blood on the counter.
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Ashton was muttering insults to himself on his walk home. His backpack slapping his back, his fists clenching the fabric at the hem of his shirt. He could feel the bandages rubbing against his arms and it made his face scrunch up in pain. When he reached his house and entered through the thick wooden door."Ashton?" His mom's voice was shocked, "What are you doing home so early sweetie? " His siblings sat on the couch with her, each reaching their little hands over to take handfuls of the buttered carbs and shoving them into their mouths. Their eyes never leaving the tv screen that help some family movie Ashton didn't recognize."Uh, tired" Ashton muttered, looking down at his shoes."Is everything ok?""Yea, im gonna go lay down""Ashton" But her voice was lost as he sprinted toward the stairs and up to his room. He closed the door and threw his backpack in the general direction of his desk. He spun on his heels and pulled out a new pair of sweatpants and a hoodie and shirt from his drawers. He went out into the hall to go into the bathroom. Locking the door behind him he quickly tore his clothes off, this thin frame already shivering. Carefully he undid the bandages he hastility did at Luke's, they were already damp with blood. He tucked them in the bottom of the trash bin making sure they were covered by other trash so no one could see them. Grabbing the box of new bandages he carefully wrapped up his arms. Making sure they were tight enough to stay still, and stop the bleeding, but not so tight it cut off his circulation. Once he was satisfied, the ends tucked into the wrap so it stayed in place. He pulled on the clean clothes, the soft cotton of the random band shirt felt nice on his skin. He smiled a little at the fuzzy warmth that came with it, pulling the hood up so it covered his dirty blonde hair."Ashton!!" He heard his sister yell on the other side of the door. "Mom said you need to come watch this movie with us, not hide in your room" She giggled at the end and he heard her footsteps run back down the stairs. Ashton huffed a little at his reflection, the bags under his eyes made his pale skin look even sicker. He took out his contacts and pushed his oversized glasses onto his face. Ashton walked to his room to place his dirty clothes in the hamper in the corner of his room, and grab his phone before tucking his hands into his sleeves to create sweater paws. When he reached the ground floor he grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen. His little sister moved over a little so he could sit next to her and the siblings smiled at each other. Ashton sat down, bringing his knees to his chest and setting the water bottle between his feet. Lauren snuggled up to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and resting her head on them. Ashton didn't really pay attention to the movie, his eyes were glazed over, as his thoughts wandered. Ashton couldn't make friends, they'd just leave him, hurt him. They would learn what he's really like and, that wouldn't end well.After the movie was over, Ashton helped his mom carry his sleeping siblings up to their room. He held his sister bridal style as he walked up the stairs behind his mom who held Harry, whoes thin arms were wrapped tightly around his mother sneak in his sleep. Ashton was glad he was behind his mom, so she wouldn't notice how much he was actually struggling. He was trying to keep his breathing under control aas he kept stopping to lean against the guard rail.God your so weak, it's pathetic.When he finally reached his sister's room, he almost dropped her onto her bed but instead tried to laid her down as carefully as he could. He tucked her in, smiling softly as she rolled over in her sleep."Ash" She mumbled,"Mm?""I love you""I love you too lauren" Ashtin chuckled, brushing some hair out of her face. Her nose wrinkled up, her eyes still closed."Why are you always so sad?" She asked, finally opening her eyes and looking up at her older brother who had paled at her words."What do you mean? Im fine" He forced a smile, but his eyes darted away from her for a second."Don't lie to me" She mumbled, closing her eyes and rolling over so her back was too him."G'night" He sighs, getting up and walking to her door. He turns and glances back at his sister before turning off the light and walking out into the hallway. His mom was walking toward her own room, which was on the other end of the hall."Good night love" She smiles, pulling Ashton into a tight hug. He buries his face into the crook of her neck, breathing in her perfume. He hugged her waist tightly, and relaxed. "I love you so much" She pulls away, kissing his forehead, "Sleep well""Good night mom" Ashton says, and the two walk to their own rooms. Once in his room he collapsed on his bed, pulling his laptop over to him from under his pillow. He opened it up and logged into tumblr, scrolling through his feed to try and ignore his thoughts.A few hours later, around three AM, Ashton felt his phone buzz. It was a text from luke.Luke- HeyAshton didn't know what to do, he honestly wasn't expecting this.Luke- Ash are you up?Ashton looked over at his door like he was afraid someone would come in.Luke- If your up please respond I want to make sure your ok.Ashton smiled a little at Luke's use of full sentences over text. He's such a nerd.Ashton- HiLuke- OMG Hi!!Ashton slapped a hand over his mouth when he heard a giggle slip out.Luke- is everything ok? I was so worried about you.Ashton- everything's fineWhy was Luke worried about him? The thought made Ashtons insides feel weird, but a good kind of weird. He didn't like it. All the sudden Ashtons phone was ringing, Luke was facetiming him. Shit, Luke was facetiming him. Ashton answered it, turns his laptop screen so Luke wouldn't be able to really see his face."Hey!" Luke smiled, his face really close to the camera."Hi" Ashton said softly, smiling."I wanted to actually see that your ok" Luke giggled, "Its weird but I just had a really bad feeling ever since you left, it was driving Michael and Calum crazy" Ashton giggled again, once again slapping his sweater pawed hand over his mouth. "Damn it" Luke muttered, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth."What?" Ashton squeaked, his voice was high, but still raspy and soft."You, your just, i don't know ignore me" Luke rambles, looking away from the camera. "Well, good night Ash, We got school tomorrow!""Good night Luke" Ashton smiled, staring at his phone until Luke offered more crooked smiles and finally ended the call. Ashton actual felt better, he felt like he could actually sleep. He put his laptop over onto his desk, then plugged his phone in. Ashton curled up in his blankets, A smile on his lips as he thought about Luke.Wait, no, he couldn't think about him. He wasn't gay.Was he?No, he couldn't be."Fuck" He mutters, before squeezing his eyes shut.