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For the record, Tony didn’t have anxiety.
No matter what Jarvis or WebMD seemed to think, there was no way someone like him was experiencing that. So what he was having right now wasn’t an anxiety attack. No, he was just upset. Super upset, that’s why his breathing was so sharp and shallow. That’s why he could hear blood passing through his ears with a terrible thumping sound. That’s why his hands were trembling and his vision was blurring to the point where it felt like he had his eyes closed tightly.
Oh,
wait
, he did. His eyes were squeezed shut with his trembling hands pressed over them so hard that he was seeing stars but not the pretty kind. More like the kind you see when you’re hovering in space with a closing wormhole behind you. When you know you’re going to die.
Maybe that was it. He wasn’t having an anxiety attack, he was just dying.
This is what death feels like, and you’re going to die alone.
Pepper had left him. She was one of the only people he still had and he had scared her away because of some stupid nightmare and his stupid suit. It was for the best though. She was right to run. He wished he could leave himself right now too because now his head was pounding as hard as his heart was.
A sudden succession of shrill rings cut through the silence in the room. Tony jumped up off the bed startled, turning around to find the source. His phone was on the bedside table and he peered towards it before hesitantly picking it up.
“H...Hello?” His voice sounded strange to his own ears. Small. Shakey.
He had forgotten to check the caller ID so he was surprised when he heard Steve’s voice.
“
Tony
? Uh, hi.” He sounded confused which made
Tony
confused because
Steve was the one who called.
The confusion didn’t help with the headache. “Are you okay? You sound off.”
“I’m peachy. Why are you calling?” Tony tried to stabilize his breathing, taking a sip of the water on his nightstand and ignoring the way the glass was trembling in his hands.
Stop shaking. Stop shaking. Stop shaking.
“To be honest, I didn’t mean to. I was actually trying to call Nat, but this whole technology thing is still way over my head.”
Tony wanted to laugh because Steve being incapable of calling the proper number was hilarious but somehow the laugh got caught in his throat, coming out as more of a stuttered breath. Why was he so fucking
broken
right now?
“Alright. Well, then. I’m sure you’ve got things to get to.” Steve sounded hesitant like he wasn’t sure whether hanging up was a good idea and suddenly Tony didn’t think it was either.
“Wait!” He didn’t mean for it to sound so desperate, but then again, he
also
didn’t mean to nearly kill his girlfriend so clearly he was failing at things going his way tonight. He let out a sigh, flopping down on the bed behind him. “We haven’t talked in a while, Cap. What’s been going on with your whole world tour thing.”
His voice came out fairly normal this time which was progress, but his heart seemed to only be beating faster because he didn’t want to fuck this call up. He needed someone right now, he could admit to that, and driving Rogers away too wasn’t going to do him any good. Quite the opposite. He tried his best to ignore the pain in his chest, gripping his hand tightly around the phone and focusing on Steve’s voice, because,
oh
, he was talking now wasn’t he?
He only managed to catch the very end of Steve’s sentence which apparently didn’t matter because it was immediately followed with, “Are you sure you’re alright, Stark?”
He tensed, his teeth gritting. He was fine, he was perfectly fine so why wouldn’t Steve just
stop
asking
.
“
Why wouldn’t I be alright.” His tone was hostile, but it was okay, because Steve was the one pushing, instigating.
Steve was silent for a long time so all Tony could hear was that weird static-y noise coming from the phone. That’s what his brain felt like right now. Static. So maybe, just maybe, Jarvis
was
right. Maybe it was an anxiety attack that he had or was having. Was he still having it? He couldn’t tell because his breathing was getting back on track but his hands still felt unsteady and his chest was still aching. Why was this so confusing? He could understand artificial intelligence but somehow all of this felt so
foreign
to him.
Finally, Steve spoke, “You’re having nightmares aren’t you?”
And just like that, the pounding in his heart was gone because he was pretty sure his heart had stopped beating entirely. How did he know?
“How did you know?” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself.
Steve laughed. It wasn’t a mocking laugh, but rather, it was a fond one. “Did you forget who you’re talking to? World War Two vet with about a million regrets and traumas.”
Tony couldn’t help it: He laughed too. “Right. How could I forget that, Capsicle? Out of curiosity exactly how many of your dreams feature that ice cube?”
“Way more than I’d like to admit.” Steve’s voice had taken on a light, easy tone. It felt comfortable and Tony could feel himself calming down. It was okay. He wasn’t alone now. Suddenly he wanted to tell Steve everything, wanted to wave a big sign that said ‘Hey, I have a bunch of issues too!’. Having someone with some shared life experience was...refreshing. Rhodey was an amazing friend and Pepper loved him more than most people did but neither of them ever seemed to
get it
.
No one ever did. Or at least no one ever had before this.
“I keep having these dreams about what happened the day of the battle in New York.” He finally admitted and suddenly his breathing wasn’t so strained and it all came pouring out, “When I was up there, everything was just...dark and...and cold. And then I looked up and all I could see what just how unprepared we all are. Just how easily they could take us out because there was this entire fleet headed right towards earth. Right towards my planet, right towards everyone I love. And god, all I wanted to do was say goodbye to Pepper. I was okay with dying if it meant no one else got hurt, but I just wanted a goodbye. But she didn’t answer and I don’t blame her, I mean, how could I? Still. I had never felt so completely, entirely alone and...scared. God, I was terrified. I still am. Terrified. Just...Aliens and Gods...here I was thinking a man flying around in a metal suit was special. It was like some wake-up call telling me that I don’t know as much as I thought and I’m completely powerless against all that stuff out there.”
Silence.
He had been talking too long, he shouldn’t have just thrown that all at Steve. Yet...he felt relieved.
“I’d say it gets better, but it probably won’t. Not for a long time at least.” Steve finally said, sounding distant like he was lost in his own thoughts. Great job, Tony, trigger someone else’s PTSD so that you can fix yours. He suddenly wished he hadn’t said anything but then Steve let out a loud exhale and spoke again, “But it’s not always going to be so consuming. You told me about it and that means you’re headed in a good direction. Talking about it tends to be the hardest part. Am I the first one you’ve told?”
Tony sighed. “I told Pepper. Well kind of. I tried to just explain to her why I’m such a hot mess lately, but…”
“She doesn’t get it?” Steve guessed with no trace of judgment. He understood it so well that Tony wanted to hug him.
“Exactly! She’s worried and she’s trying to be there for me...she just…” He trailed off for a moment, thinking about her response that afternoon after he vented to her.
“I’m gonna take a shower”
“Okay.”
“You’re gonna join me.”
“Better.”
It hadn’t been better. All he wanted was for her to listen without passing judgment or telling him that his ‘tinkering’ was just a distraction. He
knew
that. Instead, they had a warm shower and some heavy making out which had only managed to briefly muffle the thoughts that seemed to be eating Tony alive at every second.
“She doesn’t know how to fix me. But it’s not her job to. So. I guess it’s kind of on me.” Tony finally said, his eyes wandering over to his dismantled suit on the floor.
“It’s not on you. You don’t have to do this alone. Pepper may not be the best person to help in this situation, but there are other options.”
Tony snorted. “Like what? Therapy?”
“Like me.” Steve corrected, catching Tony off guard momentarily.
“Okay I think I know what you’re saying, but I also don’t, you’re gonna have to give me a little more here, Cap.”
“Look, we’re both struggling here, so maybe it’ll help out to struggle together.” Steve said before adding, “Fury has me in D.C. to help out with some SHIELD stuff, but I hear Cali’s pretty nice and I haven’t gotten to cross it off the list yet. Maybe I can take a quick trip and we can try this whole talking thing in person.”
Tony had never been so happy to hear Steve say something. “In that case, I have a spare room with your name on it.”
“Great. Just need one thing though before I agree to come down.”
“Anything.”
“You’re gonna have to stop calling me Capsicle because I’m pretty sure it’s the worst nickname ever created.”
Tony let out a laugh. A real, genuine, laugh. He could do this. He could be friends with Steve and he could beat the hell out of this anxiety problem.
“Well, then what should I call you? Not-Capsicle? Because that just doesn’t slide off the tongue very easily.”
Steve was the one laughing now, that same fond laugh from earlier. “How about you just call me Steve?”
“Boring. But alright,
Steve
. I guess I’ll see you soon.”
“Alright,
Tony
. I guess you will.”
***
They continued talking till the sun came up and Tony never quite found out why Steve had been meaning to call Nat, though he was pretty certain Steve himself had forgotten too. Tony did find out Steve’s favorite color (blue), Steve’s favorite spot (Brooklyn Pier 13, where his old friend, Bucky, had work), Steve’s favorite food (hot dogs. Yes, seriously), and also some stuff that he never would have expected. Like the fact that Steve had lied on various enlistment forms while trying to get a spot in the army. Or the fact that Steve’s biggest regret wasn’t about putting that plane down and spending 70 years in the ice, but instead, it was not being able to save his old friend from falling off that train.
They had traded stories and details and by the time they hung up, Tony’s anxieties had all simmered down to just a whisper.
He was gonna be okay.
Screw WebMD.