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At the very least, Yoongi could still see his hands clear as day.That was it. That was the test. Yoongi’s standard for being too drunk was as simple as whether or not he could see his fingers clearly if his eyes darted down at them quickly. If he could see the perfect cut of his nails then he was safe enough.The laughter that would echo after every little thing he said was not concerning anymore so long as he passed this test. As long as the boys were enjoying his company, the consequences of his words weren’t really top of mind at the moment. In fact, all he could feel was the pleasant warmth that came every time one of the boys smiled at him over something he said. It was happening pretty often. What Yoongi wasn’t aware of was that he was cajoling these reactions out of them through lavish compliments and embarrassing behaviors.Seeing them all so tipsy and calm after an intense week gave Yoongi some hope for the rest of this wretched break Big Hit had them on. The most pessimistic of the group, Yoongi was bitter that the band was being given the worst kind of time off the company could have possibly envisioned.Everyone was scrambling.The stress all started with the Big Initiative . One year of time off, that was the premise. According to Big Hit, it was the real deal: Time for the boys to improve themselves, time for the company to expand. It was supposed to make things easier on both groups. If you heard the boys retell the story, though, their takes were very different. If they really were to take a whole year off for the sake of putting more time into their next release, that wasn’t any kind of vacation offer. That just meant more time to work harder than they ever have before.It was right about time for Yoongi to start getting bitter when this drinking opportunity came around. He was sure that the boys were happier seeing him make an ass of himself than seeing him preach about the amount of work they do that others don’t give them credit for. Truth be told, Yoongi hated getting like that. It made him sound unappreciative and callous. Conversations like that would always end in a reminder that he was giving ARMY too little credit, and all it would serve to do is sour his mood and leave him feeling guilty.Being drunk off his ass and having fun for a night was a better alternative. Even Jin must have known that when he’d made the reservation.Yoongi giggled to himself again. ‘Reservation’ was a strong word.“What are you laughing at?” Jin asked, reminding Yoongi that his current pillow was living and breathing. A jokingly bitter Jin rubbed at his arm as if it was bruised from how long Yoongi had been lying there. Rolling his eyes, Yoongi didn’t even answer.A malicious spirit in Yoongi was pretty amused at the idea of how many people Jin must have fought out of their spot just to close an entire in-demand karaoke venue on a Saturday night. Only the finest for the band , echoed Jin’s words in Yoongi’s head.The youngest half of the band was especially appreciative considering they were supposed to be sitting at home with their tails between their legs. Off-handedly caught playing tag in the building during their practice hours, their instructors treated them to an unnecessary lecture that took Namjoon and Jin everything not to eat their own words over. Yoongi knew those two had the highest respect for their elders, but he could read on their faces how badly they wanted to tell the instructors to bite it after looking at Jimin, Jungkook and Tae’s guilt-ridden faces.Jin must have sensed how badly they had needed that time off when he made the call. Sure Namjoon was pissed when he heard they wouldn’t be getting the sleep necessary for their practice the next day, but even he seemed to understand that Jin had the right idea.For someone who got his way, Yoongi would think that Jin would be smiling just a bit more.“My shoulder is falling asleep,” Jin complained as Yoongi’s head continued to rest on his arm, sharply nestled in muscle there that Yoongi was doing his best not to comment on aloud. It’d come out as a compliment, yes, but he was managing to hold onto this one. That was more than could be said about most other thoughts he’s had so far.“You’re comfortable,” Yoongi mumbled back, a bit grumpy that Jin was complaining at all. His eyes were focused firmly on the flashing, dizzying lyrics projected onto their screen.“Oh come on, he’s tired,” Namjoon joked back with a slight tease in his voice that Yoongi worried wasn’t aimed at Jin. “Look at him.”“I am looking at him - and all I can see is that he’s cutting off my circulation.”“Leave him alone,” Hobi teased. “When’s the last time you’ve seen him so comfortable?”“He napped in a massage chair four hours ago,” Jin pointed out. Jimin started giggling at this point. The laugh went on so absurdly long that Yoongi very belatedly began giggling too. “What are you laughing at now?”Yoongi shrugged, looking up at the glass chandeliers hanging all along the ceiling. Jin had picked a beautiful place. Though he’d never been there before, it didn’t take Yoongi long to feel at home there. Even though they were seven in a private bar for 100 people, they’d made it as cozy as they could by sitting along the stage. Sitting on the longest couch, Yoongi and the eldest of the group were spread out with still enough space for them to all put their feet up on the coffee table - if only Namjoon would let them. Yoongi had to settle for getting his legs up on Namjoon and Hobi’s laps after he complained long enough, leaving Jin with the better but still unenviable position of ‘designated neck pillow’.It was the least they could do after forcing Yoongi to promise he wouldn’t actually leave them and fall asleep in a corner of the bar. For as long as they were forcing him to stay awake, he would be as comfortable as he could make himself.Slamming down shots with a very stiff rap line wasn’t the best idea. He could tell they three were the least sober of the bunch. Namjoon and Hobi were lucky enough to be calm drunks, though. Meanwhile, when intoxicated, Yoongi enjoyed an arsenal of personality type potentials. They were rarely in a color the band didn’t love, though, as evidenced now by their smirks and giggles whenever Yoongi made little comments or snips at each of them.It was comfortable like this, even if he was slowly losing sight of his hands on the next vision test. His sobriety was fading like his once vibrant red hair was paling into a strange brownish-pink. At least he knew he was safe and in for a great night no matter what. His boys would make sure he made it out alright. He was going to sit back and enjoy it. This was the relief he needed. He felt this strange completeness, as if too whole or too happy to care what happened with him.Draped along one of the giant bean bag chairs was Jimin, looking regal as ever. Yoongi was so paranoid about looking at him nowadays. As he realized now that he was staring at Jimin, he all but blushed when Jimin noticed and threw a casual smile his way.Unknowingly, Namjoon distracted him as he ruffled his hair. By the time Yoongi looked up, the purple-haired band leader was turning his eyes back to Tae and Jungkook. “Don’t worry about Jin. You rest as long as you like. You deserve it after today.”“What happened today?” Jin asked, the concern hiding somewhere so deep in his tone that Yoongi decided against teasing him for it. Namjoon didn’t answer, which left Yoongi curious as to exactly what he meant.“He’s very hard on himself lately,” he heard Hobi say instead. Yoongi made a face and focused back on Tae and Jungkook, in their performance of a lifetime. They were both putting their hearts into it but Yoongi had to resist a giggle. Tae tried his best to make it through an English-language rap while Jungkook hummed syllables in the right notes. Charlie Puth was a favorite of theirs, and See You Again was a great song….Well, where Jungkook could mimic notes just fine without the words, Tae found it much more difficult to rap as Wiz Khalifa, let alone without even knowing the lyrics.Tae was enjoying it though. No one could put his energy into question. He was ten times more invested in this than anyone in the room. Yoongi immediately had the urge to tease him for it but held back. He needed to be nicer to Tae. It’d only been a few days since he’d been called out on his behavior lately and he intended to make a change.He debated calling out a compliment to Jungkook, silencing himself when he thought of where that boy’s head seemed to be lately. He didn’t know quite how to move forward with him but it seemed like making him the center of attention would be the wrong move. The more concerned Yoongi acted, the more he knew the boys would get on Jungkook’s case. Worried as he was, Yoongi knew that attention wasn’t what Jungkook wanted.Turning back to his present company on the large couch, Hobi’s yawn made Yoongi remember the work day they’d had before this. Earlier that day, he, Namjoon, and Hobi spent countless hours at the studio, writing while the others trained. Glancing over at Namjoon now, Yoongi appreciated the difference between how Namjoon had been feeling before and how happy he looked now.Playing leader and songwriter at once was weighing on Namjoon, apparent by the subtle bags forming under his eyes. They were all going to be called out soon for not getting enough sleep, but Namjoon in particular looked exhausted. The entire time they were working at the studio, he’d bring up the others and how he wanted to check in on them during their break. The rap line never took breaks, so Namjoon withered away in his thoughts all day as Yoongi watched. Looking at his lip, his memory was served with confirmation that Namjoon was still mercilessly peeling away at his bottom lip whenever he got too distracted.After him, Jin was the closest to match Namjoon’s tired posture. As the oldest, Jin determined the tone of the group. So long as he kept his head up, Yoongi knew they had a chance of surviving. It was only after turning his head and staring up at Jin for far too long that Yoongi even noticed it looked like he was losing sleep too.Pouting, Yoongi’s stare moved right back to Namjoon at just the wrong time. Reminded again of Namjoon’s new hair color, Yoongi kept his eyes on the way the color would weave in shades that matched his skin tone so perfectly. It brought out his eyes in ways Yoongi had once gotten far too used to.Namjoon’s eyes were meeting Yoongi’s gaze for a very long time before Yoongi finally startled.  By the time he realized he’d been caught, he had to wonder how long he must have been staring. Namjoon’s smile had disappeared. The concern in his gaze immediately had Yoongi stammering for an excuse only to get cut off:“Is there something on my face, hyung?” Namjoon swiped a finger across his cheek and pouted when he found nothing, a little too tipsy to realize that he was misunderstanding.Yoongi took the excuse for what it was worth. Pretending to wipe something off the corner of Namjoon’s lip, Yoongi had tried to concentrate on one patch of his skin to really sell the lie. Unfortunately, his eyes wandered and he found himself looking up at Namjoon’s hair again as his finger swiped the edge of his lip.“I really love your hair like this,” Yoongi said so quickly that he didn’t even register his own words for a minute. The sincerity of the complement, his hand right on Namjoon’s mouth, and the lack of distance between them all spelled out immediate regrets for Yoongi.For some reason or another, Namjoon seemed equally shaken by their proximity.“I miss the blue,” Jin interrupted without looking away from his phone. Though Hobi made a tsking sound at the rudeness of the comment, he didn’t defend anyone, clearly resigned to accepting this is the way these boys would talk to each other.“Me too,” Yoongi mumbled, still startled and not coming to his senses.“Which one is it, Yoongi? Do you like his purple now or do you miss the blue?” Hobi asked, calling him out on his words. Now Namjoon even looked a little bothered.“Blue was good, but I like purple the most,” Yoongi said, choosing honesty and the resulting embarrassment over stressing Namjoon out about his choice of hair color. Or maybe Yoongi was honestly afraid Namjoon would change it if he thought people didn’t like it. He had just barely started enjoying the view-
Ooh, that thought was dangerous.
Swallowing hard, Yoongi avoided all of their eyes and looked forward instead. Almost on cue, he made eye contact with a tired-looking Jimin.He was still sitting alone while Tae and Jungkook went for a well-requested encore. Yoongi wished he was leaning his body on him instead. Unlike Jin, Jimin wouldn’t complain about the weight or the burden. Yoongi would even be pulled in tightly and cud-These thoughts were getting carried away.Yoongi knew he and Jimin needed a tiny bit of space between them, especially while drunk. Especially after last time.Even so, that part of him that kept thinking dangerous things suddenly wanted to hear Jimin sing. He wanted a serenade at least if he couldn’t touch him instead. Dangerous thinking .As Jungkook and Tae finished, Yoongi almost immediately blurted out his thoughts as the boys handed a mic to Jimin. “Jiminie, sing me a song!” he announced across the couch to a very amused blond vocalist. “Hyung, don’t worry. I’m singing everyone a song,” he teased back in a slanted tone. He was tipsy too, huh .“No, Jimin, sing me a song,” Yoongi called back over the noise of the karaoke machine prompting a new song selection. Jimin looked confronted, even nervous for the entire time that he was choosing a song. Suddenly an option flashed on the screen that had made his eyes light up in a way that had Yoongi biting his lip, eager to hear the choice.A set of English words flashed on the screen as the song title. Another American song. Yoongi translated too slowly in his thoughts, so slowly that it wasn’t until the song started that he actually understood.
Stand By Me
For a second, Yoongi wondered with a pout if Jimin had ignored him and decided not to sing him a song. Jimin often bragged about this particular track. It was the first song he’d learned in English, brought onto it by his parents who would never stop singing it themselves. Learned it for their anniversary , he’d retell the story over and over about what a perfect son he felt like in that moment.Though Yoongi thought the song wasn’t for him, Jimin glanced over at him too often for someone who wasn’t singing him a love song. Yoongi listened to the lyrics and made out just enough words to understand some of the meaning. Or really, he was having an easier time reading the lyrics on the screen now that he was getting used to it. Looking away from Jimin’s longing stare into the distance, Yoongi understood enough of the song to decide that Jimin might have meant to sing it for him. A love song. It felt almost as though his thoughts were confirmed when he looked back to Jimin only for the blond to stumble on his words. Yoongi and Jimin both knew he knew the lyrics, so Jimin’s quick rescue glances back at the lyric prompter left Yoongi very satisfied with himself. It was times like these that Yoongi was completely sure that Jimin remembered their pleasantly awkward stumble the last time they were drunk like this.The song was beautiful, of course. Yoongi felt a bit dreamy getting serenaded. Before he had any chance to react to Jimin’s song choice, Jin popped up with a loud exclamation.“Finally! My turn. Prepare to be amazed.”Jin didn’t even warn Yoongi before getting up, so he slid off his shoulder and right onto the couch flat on his back. Groaning in mild discomfort as he tried to pick himself up, he heard a weak defense of his safety coming from the band’s leader.“Hey!” The accusation thrown by Namjoon was so quiet and mellow, Yoongi could tell he was clearly much more tired than he had previously guessed. Yoongi almost giggled. As Jin took the remote and scrolled through the song list, Jimin snuck away from the youngest two bandmates to come sit by Yoongi while Namjoon and Hobi chatted. He surprised Yoongi by leaping forward and wrapping his arms around him.“Did you like my song?”“Always, Jiminie,” Yoongi said, catching his breath and pulling Jimin in closer. Just as he suspected, leaning on Jimin was comfortable because of the way Jimin would pull him in tightly. He pretended not to be conflicted by the feeling of Jimin’s hands firm on his back.A month ago, Jimin had been determined to prove to Yoongi that he was not an angry drunk. Yoongi hadn’t even been trying to prove a point by calling him one, he simply thought Jimin knew. An empty stomach and six shots later, Yoongi and Jimin were stumbling around the club trying to find their bandmates only to give up and call a car.Going home together wasn’t supposed to turn into anything.Jimin chewed the driver out for looking so concerned that they would throw up in the car. Yoongi’s giggling did nothing to soothe him. Yoongi even shooed the driver away to spare him Jimin’s wrath. Almost immediately, Jimin was horrified at realizing how right Yoongi was.“There, there Jiminie,” he remembered saying as he hugged him and patted his back. “Small people typically can’t handle their liquor very well.”“I am barely shorter than you!” he screeched suddenly, his hands slapping jokingly into Yoongi’s chest as he pulled away from Yoongi’s hug. Yoongi held on as tight as he could so that Jimin would have to use full force in order to get out. Of course, Jimin didn’t and resigned himself to the unnecessarily long hug they were in.“How bad am I?” he asked suddenly. “Am I very rude?”“It’s a cute look on you. I would love to be yelled at by you, Mochi.”“You’re really asking for it, Min Yoongi,” Jimin answered. Yoongi briefly realized Jimin’s hands were still pressed against his chest. Yoongi’s grip on Jimin’s back wasn’t very light. The position was more compromising than he had intended but he didn’t know why Jimin wasn’t pulling away. He didn’t know why he himself wasn’t pulling away either.Yoongi didn’t know why he was teasing him or if he was pushing it, but his answer was automatic. “Show me.”Jimin’s eyes widened and then suddenly his arms pulled out of Yoongi’s tight grip. Before he could react, Yoongi was being poked in the stomach brutally, forcing out laughter from him as his nerves twitch. Fighting Jimin, he finally cornered him against the wall right behind him and got a grip of his wrists.Knowing he was in for retaliation, Jimin’s fear was already showing on his face. “I take it back, hyung. I’m sorry.”“Tickling me? Are you serious?”“You deserved it.” They started laughing as Yoongi wrestled with Jimin trying to hold his arms and get a jab into his stomach without making himself vulnerable to an attack. Eventually, Yoongi gave up and just held Jimin’s wrists at his sides to keep him from trying anything. There was a moment after they stopped laughing where they were just staring at each other. Jimin resisted faintly only for Yoongi to back him up further against the wall.Their lips were two inches away from each other and Yoongi somehow knew Jimin would have leaned in if headlights didn’t distract them the next second. Yoongi pulled away just quickly enough that even the driver didn’t see how they’d been standing.“Where have you been? We’ve been worried sick,” Namjoon announced from the car right before Jimin found himself running for the nearest trash can to throw up.Part of him doubted Jimin could even remember anything.Yoongi must have been staring again because Jimin was blushing by the time he came to his senses. It had been a full month since they were this close to each other. Yoongi’s face was inches away from Jimin’s again and it made the same thoughts rush to his mind as last time.“There!” Jin announced as he picked a song. “If I could get some assistance, please join me in Shine . I need everyone for this.” Tae was the first one next to Jin, practically running to his side and calling one of the vocalists’ parts. He was followed by Jungkook, who was already singing to himself and gesturing the dance moves he knew.“Jimin, let’s go,” they called out excitedly.Even with all seven of them agreeing to sing, they were outnumbered by the members of the original band. As unclaimed parts came, one of the boys had to scramble each time to take over that part.As a major belting line came up, a bored Yoongi took his moment of opportunity and hollered loudly into the microphone with his hand on Jin’s arm. Immediately, Jin turned away in a fit of laughter.“ -saranghae !” Yoongi very dramatically belted and yelled out the iconic line in Jin’s direction. At this point, Jin was on the ground laughing as the other boys couldn’t continue the song from laughing so hard. “Get up! Accept my love, Kim Seokjin,” Yoongi yelled out into the mic between lyrics in an offkey cry. “Accept it!”Red-faced and grinning, Jin held up his fingers in a heart aimed at Yoongi so enthusiastically that the rapper almost expected Jin to blow a kiss to him like he would at ARMY. Yoongi finally cracked and collapsed right next to Jin laughing as the boys tried to save the song. Yoongi found it so impossible to stop laughing that Jin eventually picked him up by his waist and held him upright through the song to stumble through the last lyrics.Yoongi nearly tripped and Jin kept him steady.“You’re fine. You’re okay,” Jin mumbled into his ear when Yoongi looked shaken by the near accident.“You’re a good hyung,” Yoongi mumbled back, less referring to the accident and more referring to the night Jin had planned for the band. The others cheered for the end of the song. Yoongi could have sworn Jin’s smile was brighter than the disco lights around them.“I know. Kind and beautiful, Kim Seokjin,” Jin said wistfully, his eyes looking up like he saw himself as the main character of his own drama. Though he knew it was a joke, Yoongi groaned.“I take it back-” Someone behind them cleared their throat. It was a staff member. Smiling, Jin helped Yoongi stand firmly on his feet before following the staff member out. Naturally following him, Yoongi only stopped when he accidentally overheard Jin whisper something to Namjoon on his way out.“Don’t say anything. Just have everyone take their last turn and head home. Don’t wait up.”“How are you getting home?” a concerned, drunk Namjoon muttered.“Shh,” Jin answered.Taking his seat next to Hobi and trying not to worry over Jin, he could tell he wasn’t hiding his worry very well when his best friend made a fake pout at him and then smiled. “Why the long face?”“Nothing,” Yoongi answered before lying flat on his back with his knees bent. Namjoon instructed Hobi to take his final turn. Try as he did to pay careful attention, Hobi’s gentle voice during the song serenaded him into a restful state that left him too close to sleep.His eyes popped open when he realized Hobi had finished singing. Grinning up at him when he returned to his seat, Yoongi patted Hobi’s knee from where he was lying.“You did great,” he started before a yawn cut him off.“Is that why you’re yawning?”“Ouch,” Yoongi faked a flinch. Hobi huffed a chuckle.“Here, lift your head,” he said suddenly. Yoongi made a lazy, reluctant noise. “Don’t be like that. Just lift your head.” Yoongi did as was asked, only for Hobi to surprise him by sliding closer, his thigh now under Yoongi’s head like a pillow. Shocked as he was, this was the most comfortable he’d been all night.When Hobi began running his hands through his hair, Yoongi sighed out. Opening his eyes, he smiled up sleepily at his friend. “You’re so good to me,“ he mumbled as he resisted turning onto his side and taking a nap. Minutes and songs passed with them like that. Yoongi found it hard to relax the way he wanted to.“Tell me what’s wrong,” Hobi prompted gently.“Nothing,” Yoongi answered immediately.“Even your hair is tense, Min Yoongi.”As if there to rescue him, Jungkook came by looking ready to cause mischief. Lifting Yoongi’s legs suddenly, he made way for himself to sit before putting them back down, knees over his lap. The swift movement made Yoongi groan out and whine.“Hyung, what are you going to sing?”“Someone take my turn.”“We haven’t sung together yet. Let’s sing together.” Yoongi reached up and pet his hair warmly, his expression fond as if Jungkook could convince him of anything. It was normally true.“No,” Yoongi announced finally. Hobi snorted at the dramatics and at Jungkook’s disappointment. “If I stand, my bones will give out.”“I will carry you,” Jungkook offered jokingly.“Deal.” Jungkook and Hobi seemed genuinely shocked.“Why did that work?” Hoseok asked Jungkook.“I like feeling tall,” Yoongi joked at his own expense.Hobi and Jungkook nearly slipped off the couch laughing. As they waited for Yoongi’s turn, Yoongi eventually reached over while Hoseok was distracted and took Jungkook’s hand. He hadn’t spent a lot of time with Jungkook yet today but he knew the maknae was in need of comfort. Rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb as his eyes shut, he didn’t tell Jungkook his reasoning, nor about why the gesture was so much more intimate than he usually meant hand holding to be. So the boy’s hand clammed up in his and Jungkook seemed to choke every time Yoongi squeezed his hand.Nearly falling asleep, he was woken up by Hobi prying Yoongi’s hand off of Jungkook’s. “It’s Kookie’s turn, hyung.”“Get it, Jungkook,” Yoongi announced jokingly. The echo of laughter in the room comforted him.As Jungkook began singing, Yoongi was about to give in to his desire to nap when Hobi spoke up. “I don’t like what this year is doing to us.”Yoongi nodded gravely. The stress on the rap line alone was too much. None of the songs they were worked on felt good enough. They were trying to create a masterpiece out of frustration and stress. The other boys also couldn’t seem to breathe. Like the rest of the older half of the band, Yoongi went running around trying to keep spirits up, trying to keep their heads together. It was in his nature to pick them up no matter what, but this was becoming too much.Jungkook could barely spend half the week in his own bed from nightmares and anxiety. When Tae started hiding himself away to mask his fear, Yoongi was doing everything to give him more attention. Jimin had already gone too far and gotten too hard on himself, no matter what Yoongi did to whittle down his unreasonable goals. He could see the nerves eating at Jin and see Namjoon running himself dry over his songs.And Hobi, their optimist, seemed to get downtrodden by the sour moods everyone held against themselves. He seemed hurt solely by the way the boys were being so hard on themselves. And even regarding his own goals, Hobi was pushing himself to a degree that reminded Yoongi of Jimin in his lowest moments.Yoongi didn’t want to talk about it. Looking forward, he caught Namjoon nervously biting his lip again. Even at karaoke, Yoongi could tell he was thinking about work.“Stop that. ARMY will be mad,” Yoongi told him.“What?”“They like your lips, they won’t want to see them cracked.”“What kind of reasoning is that?” Namjoon didn’t just look confused as to what Yoongi was saying. Namjoon also seemed to be wondering if it was himself that wasn’t making sense.“You’re drunk. Just do what I say.” Hobi flicked his arm.“Play nice, you two.”Though they got to have their little duet, Jungkook didn’t seem so happy once he and Yoongi were alone in the car on the way home. Sitting two to each car for extra cover in case they were seen, Yoongi took Jungkook’s car as quickly as he could when he saw the nervous way he was acting. He hadn’t spent a lot of time with him today.The partition went up and Jungkook, though smiling a minute ago, showed his true face when he couldn’t look up from the floor of the car. He had that dark look in his eyes that Yoongi was getting too used to seeing. It reminded him of why he just let it be that Jungkook became a frequent guest in his room and didn’t tell anyone.Something was haunting him, and Yoongi still couldn’t pick out how it started. The memory of seeing him look so desperate for help still gave Yoongi a shiver to think about. He didn’t know how long it had been since Jungkook had gotten some sleep, but he sure hadn’t noticed how desperate he was getting. He wondered how Jungkook had gotten so good at hiding things from them.Yoongi must have been staring because Jungkook looked like he had been forcibly compelled to speak up.“I know we each give it our all, hyung, but I don’t know what more I can do.”“I know.”“We weren’t trying to be lazy before.”“You think we don’t know that?”“I’ve trained as hard as I could without losing my mind. How are we supposed to just come up with more?”“We have like eight months to go. It’s only been one so far.”“That’s still not enough time. I’ve got nothing.” If there was anything Yoongi could be grateful for, it was that Jungkook was very honest with him recently. Otherwise, helping him would have been so much harder. “Maybe I’m taking on too much. Maybe I need to focus on performing and stop with the videos and producing for now.”“No, that’s why ARMY loves you. You try new things, and you’re good at them. You’re getting more and more popular every year.” Jungkook doesn’t look relieved. “That’s not a bad thing.” He was silent for too long.Yoongi scooted closer. “Hey, come here.” Jungkook still looked distracted. Yoongi sighed and suddenly put his head on Jungkook’s lap and closed his eyes, lying across the backseat of the car. “Well, I’m going to sleep. I’m an old man, and you know when we get home they’ll want an afterparty.” Jungkook didn’t say anything. Yoongi opened his eyes. “Let’s sleep, alright?”“Okay.”“I mean it. No thinking allowed.”Getting home, Yoongi was relieved to say the least when he heard Jungkook yawn as he gently pulled away. Wiping at his eyes, Yoongi was ready for a little more activity when an excited Tae popped his door open seconds after the car parked.“Kookie, Yoongi, hurry up! Your car is so late!”“What happened?” Jungkook asked, confused and clearly not as ready to get up as Yoongi was.“Jin said yes to a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’.” Yoongi looked to Jungkook just so that he could see his eyes light up for that moment. The younger band members had been trying for months to get Jin to play a follow up game ever since he began the story about re-meeting an old high school crush of his. Jin was awfully secretive about the details of the meeting and Jimin had been speculating aloud for months that it was because Jin had done something mortifying.Jin’s belligerent indignance did nothing to squash this theory.“Please, hurry,” Tae said, taking Yoongi’s hand and eagerly pulling him out of the car as Jungkook raced out from the other side.“He threw up in front of her. I swear he threw up in front of her!” Jungkook theorized in a yell as he hurried ahead. Yoongi stumbled behind Tae, yawning as they walked.“I think he must have gone out on a date with her or something,” Tae vented his own theories to Yoongi as they headed to the door. “Or he wouldn’t be so embarrassed. Good for him but I don’t know if I also hope he threw up or something-” Tae cut off his own laugh as Yoongi yawned again. “Ah- sorry, hyung, were you sleeping?”Yoongi didn’t answer.“When are you not?” Tae joked to himself as they stepped through the doorway into their basement entrance.It was quite the sight. The basement floor was transformed into a blanket fort. Yoongi wasn’t even sure his and Jungkook’s car ran late enough for any of this to have been possible but-“Hyung came home early to set this up,” Tae explained, clearly seeing Yoongi’s awe. “Set up all of our blankets into these walls. I hope you’re not cold when you sleep. We probably won’t be getting them back tonight.” Yoongi would have been more upset if he wasn’t so amazed, realizing Jin really didn’t find any trouble with the bar staff and just needed an excuse to leave.“You finally look awake,” Jin teased when he approached Yoongi.“This is amazing,” Yoongi applauded as Tae spotted marshmallows among the snacks and dove in when he saw Jimin reaching for the same snack. Despite the hysteric, Jin’s face was still too serious. A little more wide awake than he wanted to be, Yoongi risked a smile at Jin’s mildly sour expression. “You did a good thing.”Jin softened. There was a silence just long enough to be awkward when Jin finally spoke up. “I can’t believe those instructors they brought in.”“They brought them in to challenge us. They’re not going to treat us like the others do.”“Tae and Jungkook were just taking a break.”“I know-”“And Jimin wasn’t even playing with them!” Yoongi frowned at learning that. He knew it had always sounded strange to him that Jimin would play a game during class when Jimin wouldn’t so much as laugh inappropriately during any formal dance class. “You should have seen how they talked to him.”“We can talk to the managers in the morning.”“We didn’t ask for a break-”“Jin, you set up these games for them. Let’s play those games. Tell them about the time you threw up on your high school girlfriend. We’ll all forget about it for a minute.”Jin nodded. “She wasn’t my girlfriend. And I never said I threw up, who said that?! I’m already regretting this entire plan-” After rolling his eyes, he walked out on Jin’s rant to find the other rappers chugging water in the kitchen.“Worried about a hangover?” he joked.“I thought the party was over,” Namjoon complained. “How are we playing games now?”Hobi didn’t even pretend to be on Namjoon’s same page. “I just don’t want a headache in the morning. Besides, I can tell I’ll have to babysit you all tonight.”“I’ve sobered up,” Yoongi claimed.“For how long?” Hobi asked as he headed back to the others.Smiling, Yoongi watched him go before turning back to Namjoon. He was leaning pretty heavily against the counter. “When the managers confront us about this tomorrow, can you remind them that this wasn’t my idea?” Namjoon asked.“This was your best idea ever, Joonie.” Namjoon’s sickly groan would have concerned Yoongi more if it wasn’t so damn funny to see their leader drunk.Staying in the kitchen with Namjoon until he was able to stand upright again, they missed several turns as the other boys were already multiple drinks into their first game of Never Have I Ever.“Yoongi, you’ll have to catch up. You’ve done at least seven of the things we’ve said,” Jin exclaimed.“Seven? How many rounds have you done?” Yoongi asked, concerned.“Only four,” Jimin admitted. Yoongi glared at Jin, who smiled back.“ Four shots for you then,” Jin pushed.“I’m going to advise against that,” Hobi insisted faintly, still not finding it in him to fight the boys today.“I’ll only take four if you match me,” Yoongi told Jin. Jin shook his head.“I had to take those same four shots. Ask Jungkook, he hasn’t taken a single shot yet.” Yoongi really hoped Jin wouldn’t follow that logic to its obvious conclusion. Jungkook hadn’t exactly lived much, but he seemed to have the rest of the band fooled as to just how little it really was. He didn’t want to imagine the teasing the maknae would get if the others found out about him.Jungkook shook his head. “You don’t have to drink. We played without you.”“Sit down and drink, hyung. I’ll take your challenge,” Tae countered as Yoongi found a place sitting between him and Jimin. He’d been looking for a reasonable excuse to get close to Jimin for the first time that night and it seemed like the only opening. He wanted to make sure it didn’t look like he was avoiding him.Those four shots were four very costly mistakes.Sandwiched between a very drowsy Jimin leaning on him and a nervous Tae who hadn’t signed up for all the cuddling, Yoongi knew he should be less comfortable than he really was. Observing a strand of Tae’s hair that had grown too far out, he was reminded of Tae’s attempts at growing out his hair.“Growing it out again?” Yoongi asked, distracting him from the game.“No one liked it when I did.”“And you told them to shut up.”“I didn’t say that ,” Tae reminded him.“Besides, I liked it,” Yoongi said, feeling his stomach churn a little from all of the liquor taking its course on him.“Really, you don’t have to be so nice to me all the time now. I’m fine,” Tae rang that reminder into Yoongi’s head again. It only served to frustrate him more. Angry, Yoongi immediately took Tae’s hand and informed him that they were fighting. Tae chuckled but wasn’t as embarassed or clammy as Yoongi was used to. As if the perceived pity act was keeping Tae from taking him seriously.Yoongi wasn’t even showing pity, that was the worst part of this whole discovery.It started two weeks ago. In the state he’s in, Yoongi couldn’t possibly remember why it happened but he remembered overhearing Namjoon of all people joking about how little consideration Tae tended to get from him. Yoongi remembered the exact words.
“Well, he ignores him all the time.”
Yoongi had made the mistake of arguing that it wasn’t true, only for the boys to make a joke of listing examples right at his face. “You never teach him your raps when he asks.” “You pretend he’s not talking when you don’t want to do what he’s asking.” “You flinch and ask him to stop whenever he tries to do your raps.” “When’s the last time you high fived him back when he asked for one?” “He asked for a hug like five minutes ago and you walked away.” And Yoongi did all of these things in jest but by the way that Tae looked so mortified that the boys were joking about this, he felt like maybe he’d gone too far.Changing things didn’t make Tae feel any better, clearly. From the very beginning, Tae told Yoongi he found it strange to hear Yoongi act so nice to him all the time. As if he felt pitied. At this rate, Yoongi wasn’t saying things he didn’t actually mean, but still his kindness was met time and time again with sheer disbelief and denial.Whatever mistakes he’d made with Tae, he’d made too many of them clearly. Tae clearly found it too hard to believe that Yoongi would ever go out of his way to just be kinder to him for the sake of showing how much he cares.Yoongi must have looked upset because Tae pulled him out of his thoughts with a squeeze of his hand, gesturing their joined fists at Yoongi as a peace offering. As much as he wanted to understand what this could mean, he realized as the shots really settled in that he hadn’t been this drunk since the time he took shots with Jimin.Pouting still, he squeezed Tae’s hand back and leaned on his shoulder much the way he had before on Jin.Instead of letting it be, Tae pulled away only to wrap his arms around Yoongi. Yoongi really shouldn’t have settled into the hug the way he did, but clearly his easy acceptance had been enough to make Tae blush and pull away.“You’re so cute today,” Tae teased quietly as the game paused while the others in the rap line bickered over the validity of one of Namjoon’s questions. Tae rubbed Yoongi’s back. “Ah, I’m sorry about what I said, hyung. I’m not in a great mood.”“You had a bad day.” There was a long silence between them as the bickering escalated when Jungkook proved one of Namjoon’s claims wrong. Namjoon really must have been drunk off his wits to be remembering wrong, considering they all knew very well that he wasn’t intentionally lying.“Don’t tell my hyungs-” Tae started quietly, his gaze now not nearly as confident as before, “but the game had been my idea.”“This one?”“No. The tag game. I started it.”Yoongi shrugged. “You were having a break.”“I got my friends yelled at. Jimin nearly cried, he was so embarrassed.”“It was a teaching moment for all of us. The company wants us to grow and that means learning how to be around people who don’t understand us. And if they keep giving us trouble, we’ll figure it out together.”“You’re a wise old drunk,” Tae joked, making Yoongi belt out a laugh that got the attention of the other boys.“How long has it been since you took a shot, Yoongi?” Namjoon asked to deflect attention away from him.“I don’t think I’ve been listening,” he admitted. Jungkook giggled though the others groaned. The next questions passed and Yoongi could barely tell whether he’d registered them or not. Eventually, he just started taking the shots just to be safe, feeling sobered up by the talks he had with Jungkook and Tae. He tried very hard to focus on the next prompt, but he could tell the hand test wasn’t going to be enough to detect just how drunk he was. He couldn’t see the cut of his nails. In fact, he could barely count his fingers from how badly his hands shook. Just to avoid getting caught, he put everything into understanding Jin’s question.“Oh, I know!..... Never have I ever had sex on a plane-” he heard Jin say before scanning the room. Yoongi reached for a shot only for Tae to snatch it away.

“Hey!”“No more,” Tae cooed only to get booped on the nose in a move Yoongi thought would successfully come off as aggressive. Tae blushed such a bright red that it occured to Yoongi that that might have been a strange thing to do.“Don’t joke, Yoongi,” Jin snapped back. Pouting, Yoongi pulled the blanket tighter on himself. He closed his eyes, bitter that the boys wouldn’t let him drink more but too tired to protest. “When?”“I tried that on the plane back from Tokyo last month.” There was a long, amused pause.“Last month?” Jungkook asked doubtfully only for Jin to cut him off with the exact thought of all of their minds.“There were no girls on that flight,” Jin pointed out, ready to celebrate Yoongi’s failed attempt at lying.“Who said it was a girl?” Yoongi muttered under his breath as the silence that followed lulled him to sleep.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Hobi walked into Yoongi’s room with a hot tray of rare food, rare because he’d prepared it himself. Normally, he left cooking to the other hyungs or to a maid in the hopes of making sure they would all eat well rather than eat his food. Yoongi, however, would likely have to settle for having Hobi’s mediocre food or immediately feeling ill as he woke to an empty stomach.Not trying to think about what exactly it was that Hobi was looking to protect him from, he simply enjoyed the heartwarming sight of Yoongi wrapping himself into his sheets even tighter as if that would help prevent being woken up. Hobi began doing a jig though his rational mind knew that Yoongi couldn’t see him through the sheets.“Wake up! The sun is out so you should be too,” he sing-songed at the hungover blob under the comforter.“Let me sleep.”“It’s 2 in the afternoon. It’s time for you to wake up.” He set the tray down on the bedside table and removed his shoes. He stepped onto the bed and started jumping, deciding to have a little fun so he could pretend nothing had changed. “We have to be at the company tonight,” he huffed each word out between jumps.Yoongi let out a quiet whine that made Hobi melt a bit. Min Yoongi was a grown man, but an awfully adorable one. He peeked his head out from under the sheets to see the tray Hobi left on the bedside table. Yoongi licked his lips.“It smells good,” he mumbled quietly.“Sure,” Hobi answered sarcastically, feeling like Yoongi was teasing his terrible cooking. Yoongi pulled himself out from under the covers and reached for the bowl on the tray. With the metal chopsticks provided, he began scarfing down the food in the bowl as if he hadn’t eaten in days. He let out a quiet moan with his mouth still full. Hobi laughed. “Don’t pretend to like it.”“This is so good,” Yoongi said with his mouth still full. “Did Jin cook it?” Hobi stared at him with a hint of surprise in his gaze. Like any good best friend, Yoongi could read his reaction like a book. “What ?”“I cooked it.”“That is a surprise,” he teased back before going back to eating. “Thank you for bringing this. You’re so good to me.” Hobi wondered if Yoongi knew he was echoing his words to him from the night before. The memory of Yoongi on his lap resting felt so distant now.“What happened last night?” Yoongi asked. Hobi didn’t even know how to answer that.“We sang a few songs,” he said, dodging the question with a minimally detailed answer. “We found out Jin’s non-girlfriend dumped him for being a trainee.”“What?”“You really don’t remember any of this?”“I don’t remember anything that happened last night." Yoongi swallowed, a bit nervous. "Was I okay?” Hobi froze a bit.“You were fine,” he lied in a way he thought was smooth. Yoongi groaned and rubbed the back of his head.“Oh no. What did I do?”Hoseok faked his best smile. “You’re just a terrible singer sometimes.”“Oh,” Yoongi breathed out with a quiet laugh. He seemed pained as he rubbed his head but he practically inhaled the food in front of him, reaching for the tray when he was done with the bowl. “My head hurts so much,” he choked out as he picked up the cup of juice on the tray. “You’re so nice.”Just like that, Yoongi scarfed down as much food as he could without pauses, only ever mumbling compliments at Hoseok for being kind enough to bring him the food. Hoseok stopped him with a quick gesture, reaching out a hand from his pocket. Yoongi extended a hand only for Hoseok to drop two pills into his palm. “Painkillers.”“You’re a saint,” Yoongi noted with a small pout. “Why are you being so nice to me?” Hoseok felt guilty but he shrugged and did everything to conceal his reaction as he sat next to Yoongi. Yoongi put the tray back on the table and then pulled his arms around his bent knees. He hiccuped.“You ate too fast.” Yoongi scrunched up his nose in reply before mirroring Hobi’s smile. “You are such a child, Min Yoongi.”Yoongi watched his face curiously for a second. The stare was long enough that it made Hobi nervous, feeling as though maybe he’d been caught. Then, he suddenly reached a hand into Hobi’s hair. “It’s so long.”Though down loose right now, Hobi’s hair had grown long enough that he could easily tie it in a small bun on the back of his head. He’d had a hair stylist trim at the ends here and there before but it was generally untamed. He was a little self-conscious about it but that didn’t ever prompt any criticism from the boys. However, since no one talked about it, Hobi wondered if they were all trying to hide that they didn’t like the new look.“I need to cut it sometime, right?” he conceded.“No. I love it like this,” Yoongi mumbled as he fascinatedly ran his hand through it one more time. He tucked a strand behind Hobi’s ear.Pulling away lightly, Hoseok did everything in his power to control the blushing smile that danced across his features. It was hard to stay concerned when Yoongi was in this kind of mood. Yoongi retreated his hand when he noticed Hobi backed off, and Hobi instantly regretted that he hadn’t just accepted the affection when he knew that he was enjoying it so much.“You should keep it like this,” Yoongi suggested carefully. “But only if you like it too.”Hobi smiled as he kept his gaze on the floor. “I really like it,” he said thoughtfully. He pulled a hidden hair tie out off his wrist from under his sleeve. “Tie it for me?” It was more of a peace offering than a favor to ask. Regardless of everything that had happened in the past day, Yoongi’s warm smile and quiet giggle made him feel like it was all going to be alright as he pulled Hobi back by his shoulders and carefully wrapped the long strands into a ponytail.“I like it like this too. You look very handsome.”“You’re too complimentary today. All I did was feed you,” Hobi joked. He reached a hand onto Yoongi’s hands and took one of them with a light, casual grip of his fingers. “Do me a favor, Yoongi?” he asked with a lot of thought to his words. He didn’t mean to interrupt a comfortable silence like this but it was time to talk about the truth, even if it wouldn’t be direct. “If anyone acts weird around you today, just tell me.”Hobi’s thoughts drifted to the night before as Yoongi spoke up. “Was I that bad last night?”“No. I think everyone’s just in a weird mood,” he lied. “Don’t let them take it out on you.”“They can’t. I’m too intimidating.” Yoongi put on the haughtiest face he could just to make Hobi giggle faintly. His thoughts were somewhere else, no matter how much Yoongi was trying to keep him present.
“He was joking,” Jin said once they realized they couldn’t get Yoongi to willingly wake back up. In this state, he wasn’t going to be giving any explanations.

“What if he wasn’t?” Tae rebutted.

“He was. He was joking so there’s nothing to worry about. No problem.”

“What is there to worry about if he isn’t joking?” Hobi snapped back, his tone suddenly very bitter.

“Hobi, don’t misunderstand,” Namjoon insisted through his own shock.

“I’m not misunderstanding. I want to know exactly what problem it would be.”

“That’s not what I meant-” Jin started.

“Just stay away from him,” Hobi insisted suddenly, drunkenly stumbling to his feet and shooing Jin away from Yoongi. “I’m taking him to his room.”

Jimin stood up and started helping Hobi, which Hobi only accepted because Jimin hadn’t said anything insensitive.

“Don’t be like that, Hobi,” a still drunk but terrified Namjoon called after him only for Hobi to keep walking. “Come back!”
 Hobi bit his lip before seeing Yoongi’s concerned expression through the fog of his own thoughts. He snapped out of it. “Sorry, I was just realizing I forgot to get a tea bag. I’ll go right now.”Yoongi took his hand to stop him. “Let me go. I need a walk.” He grumbled to himself as he tried to get on his feet. “Just stay here.”Making his way out of his bedroom to make the long trek to the kitchen, Yoongi smiled a little to himself over just how warm he’d felt so far this morning with Hobi at his side. Though they all lived together, with their schedules nowadays, there was no time for some leisure and chatter in the mornings. Hobi always put him in such a great mood and it was almost like his hangover couldn’t fight back or phase him.Taehyung crossed the hallway ahead of Yoongi.“Hey Tae!”The younger man turned only to turn back away when they made eye contact. "Hyung!" he replied back trying to sound enthusiastic. Before Yoongi could try to continue their conversation, Tae continued along the hallway and disappeared into the next room.“Tae?” Yoongi caught up at the door and looked inside only to see the room was empty. Tae must have headed down another hallway. Trying not to think too much of it, Yoongi went back on his path to the kitchen and was happy to see Jin there reaching for something on their top shelf. The stepping stool was right next to him but Yoongi knew Jin was too stubborn to use it. Amused, Yoongi tried to come up with something snarky to say about how tall people were pigheaded as he slid up behind Jin.“Heads up,” Yoongi chimed as he reached up to the shelf right next to Jin’s head and pulled out the tea box. On the way, his front brushed ever so slightly with Jin’s hip. Though Yoongi barely noticed, he could hear a quiet but audible gasp from Jin at the touch.“Why did you do that?” he asked, looking scandalized and suddenly rubbing the spot where they’d touched. Yoongi didn’t understand the gesture. It wasn’t even so much as a graze. He couldn’t be hurt or anything.“Sorry, I was just trying to reach past you.” Jin’s eyes widened and then narrowed again.“Oh. Oh, that makes sense.” Jin continued rubbing the area where they’d touched as if Yoongi had stained his clothes or something. “Since when have you been here?”“Long enough to see you struggling. Just use the stepping stool already,” he said with a warm smile. Jin was still frowning, clearly a little distracted.“I’m fine. I was busy. I should get back to it,” he said.“Back to reaching miserably?” Yoongi asked, confused.“Yes,” Jin answered flatly before turning around and making himself look busy. Yoongi didn’t stay long enough to try and figure out what he was doing. Turning back in the direction of his room, he could have sworn he saw a figure that looked a lot like Jungkook pass but he’d missed them. As Yoongi walked out of his room with his tray, he sent Hobi to his room to get ready for the day. Perfectly capable of handling himself now that the painkillers had kicked in, he wanted to catch up on his productivity for the day. Struggle as he did to figure out what he’d do with the break, he could at least say that he was always making the most of his time during this hiatus. He wasn’t going to let the night before just ruin his track record. He wouldn’t let down his team like that.Heading into the kitchen, he was pleased to see a familiar, ruffled head of blond hair sitting at the counter. Gently and quietly putting the tray down on a nearby table, Yoongi grabbed his two metal chopsticks and tiptoed up behind Jimin. Getting as close to his ear as he could, Yoongi crashed the two sticks against each other to create a loud clang that made Jimin jump in his seat.“Why?!” a hungover Jimin called out as he rubbed his arms to get over the chills that the scare had given him. Yoongi gasped for air through his loud laughs. “Evil. You’re evil.” Yoongi hugged him from behind quickly to make up for the rude joke.“Thank you for your song last night, Jiminie,” Yoongi said before he began moving away before his thoughts could run away from him. He had a hard time thinking straight around Jimin lately. He picked up his tray and went to the other side of the counter to drop them off at the sink.When Yoongi looked up since Jimin never answered, he met Jimin’s stare. Jimin smirked.“Anything for you, oppa,” Jimin said with a flirty tone to his voice. Yoongi froze in place, unsure if Jimin had really boldly put himself out there like that. He couldn’t tell if it was a lighthearted joke or if he was supposed to take some meaning out of it. Things had been too weird between them for him to be able to tell.He tried to clear his throat but it was too dry for him to speak clearly. His voice faltered. “Right. Um-”Namjoon burst out of the nearest bathroom animatedly only to freeze when Yoongi made eye contact. Yoongi hoped more than anything that he wasn’t blushing. Looking to Jimin, he saw a hint of red on the younger’s cheeks that only left him more confused. Had Jimin really just flirted with him?Turning back to Namjoon, Yoongi saw his stare at Jimin and realized he was noticing the same thing.“What are you two talking about?” Before Yoongi could make an excuse, Jimin jumped up to explain as if he had something to be scared about.“Nothing, Namjoon,” Jimin insisted. He could see it in Namjoon’s eyes, he thought they were talking about the night before. “Yoongi was just saying good morning.”Yoongi could not be more confused when he realized Namjoon looked relieved about something.“Regardless, you two shouldn’t be chatting. You’ll be late,” Namjoon said a bit harshly to Jimin. His tone softened when he turned his attention to Yoongi instead. “Is your head okay, Yoongi? You drank a lot last night. I came to your room to check up on you but you weren’t there.”“The hangover is pretty bad. I wish I could remember last night, but things could be worse.” He said the words with a quick glance at Jimin, wondering if their situation had progressed enough to prompt the unabashed flirting he got from him just now. “I seem fine. Did I fall off a table?”“No, nothing happened,” Namjoon answered. “We have to leave for the headquarters soon. Are you going to be up to working today? You can stay home and lie down if you need to. I’ll cover for you-”“Calm down, I was not that drunk,” Yoongi said with a laugh as he headed towards the hallway. “I’ll be fine.”Turning the corner, Jin appeared just a foot ahead of him.“Seokjinie,” Yoongi cooed to get him to turn around. “Wait for me.” He caught up and immediately threw his arms around the taller, older man. His broad shoulders made it a tight fit but Yoongi managed to get a good grip on him. Jin seemed awfully tense. Yoongi wasn't usually one for hugs but he was just trying to ease the tension everyone in the house seemed to be holding in. He'd do anything to make it go away, it was really starting to concern him. He squeezed tight before releasing him. “I never got to say it but thank you for putting up with me last night. The last thing I remember is trying to sleep on your shoulder.”“Really? That's all you remember?”“It’s all probably best left forgotten, huh?” Yoongi asked, analyzing the look on Jin’s face. “You’re all acting so weird.” From behind him, Namjoon glared at Jin and shook his head, giving a stare that clearly begged him not to say anything. “Thank you for being so patient with me though. I must have been a real pain. I can’t even remember how the night ended.”“There was really nothing worth remembering,” he said finally.“I did hear a recap about your ex. Tough luck.” Jin replied only with an mmm sound before turning and making his excuses.“I’m in a rush. I should go.” With that, Jin was gone around the next corner before Yoongi could even answer.“Did I do something wrong?” he asked Namjoon. Namjoon shook his head.“No, he really does have somewhere to be. And so do we. Come on, I’ll talk to you while you change. We have a lot to do.”Tae turned the corner.“Hey again, Tae!” Yoongi called after him, trying again. Tae just kept walking as though he hadn’t heard him, so Yoongi wasn’t sure he caught his greeting.Tae seemed to make a decision at the last minute to return the greeting. He turned to Yoongi but didn't return Yoongi's appreciative smile. "Hey again, hyung." He looked like he could start sweating from how nervous he was."Are you okay? You looked scared.""I'm not scared. I'm fine," he defended quickly. "I'm just in a rush.""Wait, where are you going?""I'll see you later, I promise." With that, Taehyung was out the door and probably walking too fast for Yoongi to stop him.Everyone was acting so strange. Yoongi could only believe a fight broke out after he'd fallen asleep.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Tae, I asked you to wait up,” Jimin called after him as Tae finished fleeing the scene. He was spaced out, as if he was just barely able to process why Jimin might have stopped him.“Sorry,” he breathed as if he had something else on his mind. He was processing. “Did I make it look like I was avoiding him?” he asked suddenly, a hint of concern in his eyes.“You were avoiding him,” Jimin answered truthfully. Tae looked down at the floor. “What’s gotten into you? Yoongi looked really upset.” Jimin regretted the words as soon as he saw Tae’s polite smile fall. He scratched the back of his head. When Tae didn’t answer him, Jimin cleared his throat.“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I just chickened out, I guess.”“I know everyone freaked out a bit last night, but I don’t like that you don’t even seem to know how to talk to Yoongi today.”“It’s not on purpose.” Tae glanced around the hallway and tilted his head in the direction of his room to let Jimin know he’d rather not have this conversation out in the open with Yoongi still in the house.Jimin could tell from the look of Tae’s room that he hadn’t had a chance to clean up since last night. His bedsheets strewn across the mattress like Jin had only just gotten them back to him this morning after last night’s party, Tae tried to move clothes out of Jimin’s way so he wouldn’t step on them on his way to his bed. Jimin sat at the edge of Tae’s bed while Tae took a seat on the other side.“We need to tell him,” Tae decided in a whisper. Jimin quietly huffed at the idea.“We can’t. You heard what Namjoon said.”“I’m not worried about Namjoon,” Tae said, his tone making it clear that he was ready to try and persuade Jimin at all costs. “Namjoon is just scared, you saw him last night. Yoongi will never forgive us if we don’t tell him what happened.”“The only problems here are you and Jin,” Jimin insisted bluntly. Tae looked confused. “Have you heard his outbursts this morning? He’s been acting weird all day.” Jimin wasn’t trying to insist on making Tae feel guilty, but he was certainly succeeding. “I don’t like this attitude you guys are having. Even Jungkook hasn’t said a word all morning. What’s gotten into you all?”Tae didn’t answer. Jimin felt a little shaky.“Does this change something for you?” he asked, only a little unsure. This wasn’t the kind of reaction he expected from any of the boys in the band. He could imagine maybe there’d be some awkwardness, maybe some tension, but not any tangible change in the way they’d act.But then, Jimin had been planning on coming out for weeks and he could only convince himself it was a good idea when he told himself that telling the boys would be the easiest part about this. There was also a slightly hopeful part of him that was hoping he’d only be confessing because he’d started something with-He really couldn’t be making up imaginary relationships with his bandmates, though. Daydreams weren’t something they had time for. He was risking enough of their friendship as it was.That hug from this morning was very much still on his mind. He was sure the memory of having Yoongi hold him like that while teasing him in a whisper to his ear would be distracting him for days to come.“We’re going to follow Namjoon’s lead on this,” he insisted.“I have to tell him. I don’t really know what else to do,“ Tae said. Jimin could tell this plan was less of a need and more of a way to fill a void. He couldn’t help getting testy.“You’re just mad he didn’t tell us,” he accused. Tae didn’t get defensive, nor did he deny the point. He sighed a bit and looked down at his hands. He didn’t speak for a few seconds.“Am I allowed to be? I mean, what kind of friend hides that from the people they’re supposed to trust most? We’re supposed to be family but this is the first we heard about something like this. It’s been years. He knows by now that we wouldn’t turn him away over something like that. Is it unfair to feel a little betrayed?” he asked, a little unsure of himself. “What if we never found out? Would he just never have told us? I want to know why he’d keep it from us like that.” He could tell he sounded selfish, but he wouldn’t try explaining it further when he knew his reasons were hard to put into words. He knew Yoongi would have a lot of reasons to be afraid to tell them. Why did none of that feel like enough? When Tae never got an answer, he looked up to see if Jimin heard him. Jimin was looking away. “Shouldn’t we be mad?”“I don’t know but I need you to figure it out fast,” he snapped back quietly. Tae was surprised by his tone. Jimin seemed scared and he didn’t know if he’d done something to upset him.“Are you okay?”“I think I’m in love with Yoongi,” he blurted out after a long silence.The outburst was meant to be more of a way to get things over with. He wanted to stop Tae before Tae could try to defend himself. He wanted to talk this out. He wanted to tell Tae everything he’d missed. He wanted to be excited and talk about how happy he was, how much fun he was having flirting with him, how cute Yoongi’s little prank was today. He wanted to enjoy feeling like this for the first time in a long time, and be grateful that fear never made him panic over what it meant to be interested in men.Jimin wasn’t even sure he was panicking because he was questioning his sexuality. No, right now, it felt more like he was panicking over admitting to the way Yoongi made him feel. “In love”? He’d never used that language, not even in his thoughts. He was in love with his bandmate.He’d never felt so foolish.There was no way that this was going to end well. That’s all he could think about suddenly. The best thing that could happen would be that Yoongi reciprocate his feelings. That could only ever lead to heartbreak regardless. They were bandmates. They were trapped in a glass cage most of their days, the public eye being enough to fear if it weren’t for the way everyone would start looking at them differently if they found out. If anything got out about it, the band would be ruined.And Jimin never gave the boys a second thought in all of this because he wanted so badly to enjoy this silly crush.“Shit,” he breathed out, his voice getting a bit shaky. This wasn’t what he wanted.Tae scooted over from his seat until he was sitting only a few inches from Jimin. He reached out and held his best friend close to his chest while Jimin leaned into the hug naturally. At least Tae wasn’t mad, but that wasn’t enough to stop Jimin’s panic from taking over.“We’re going to be behind now,” Namjoon complained, sat on a corner of Yoongi’s bed as Yoongi changed in the bathroom. “I’m glad we all got some time together but maybe it was too much.” His own head was ringing without provocation. He knew he’d drank too much, but he’d really held on to the hope that drinking water would have been enough to keep it from costing him later.He was very wrong.“Oh come on, Namjoon. Even I’m hungover, but that doesn’t mean we made a bad decision. They really needed that break after everything that happened.”Namjoon was still conflicted, staring down at a notebook on his lap. The song written on the first page was so covered in crossout marks and sloppy handwriting that it was barely legible. They’d been backtracking so much lately.“We have so many songs to fix today.”Yoongi peeked his head out of the bathroom door, as if to check something. “Are you really working already? We haven’t even gotten to the studio.”“We’re running out of time.”“I really hope you don’t start in on a bad mood too,” Yoongi warned. Namjoon made a face. He had been hoping Yoongi wouldn’t realize how strange Jin was being. “I can only handle so much bitterness in a day.”“Ignore Jin, he’s just rude when he gets hungover.”It gets too silent, giving Namjoon too much time to think. Namjoon doesn’t understand why he’s so tense. Stretching his neck a bit, he pulls his arms back a bit to loosen some tension. He tries his best to think less and clear his mind, but resisting intrusive thoughts gets so exhausting that it doesn’t take long before he’s thinking about the last time the suspicion had hit that maybe Yoongi wasn’t as straight as Namjoon had assumed.His reasoning back then was flawed. Or maybe he really needed to believe it was flawed.There was just something about Yoongi’s behavior back then. Namjoon’s girlfriend had said many things. He never believed a word of them. Yoongi would have told him if he was interested in men, Namjoon had defended in the past.Namjoon knew better now. Yoongi had kept this a secret from them for years. Was it right to start questioning him though? To try and find out why he didn’t want to tell them? Part of Namjoon was obsessed with the idea that it might have been his own fault that Yoongi didn’t trust him. However, he’d given the team orders to back down and keep quiet about Yoongi’s confession. He’d be disobeying his own command by telling Yoongi.He almost didn’t notice Yoongi coming back into the room until the silver-haired rapper came forward to stand right in front of him. Namjoon could hardly look him in the eyes when he got too close.“You have got to calm down,” Yoongi encouraged sweetly before taking the awkward opportunity to brush a strand of Namjoon’s hair back. Namjoon could already tell the nervous smile that immediately grew on his face made him look awkward. He didn’t know why he was reacting this way but he almost felt like jolting away. “I’ll be right back, I haven’t said good morning to Jungkook yet.”Yoongi realized in hindsight that that was a terrible way to excuse himself but Namjoon just nodded faintly, clearly taken up in his own thoughts. Namjoon didn’t know what the feeling he just had was or what could possibly explain that kind of reaction, but really hoped it wouldn’t last. God forbid he was going to be like Jin and make Yoongi upset.Jungkook was locked away in his room as always. Yoongi knocked on the door before coming in, but opened it too quickly for the younger man to protest. Jungkook looked shaken by his approach, but Yoongi chalked up his tension to a lack of sleep.“Where were you last night?”Jungkook couldn’t seem to find the words to respond. In fact, it almost seemed like the boy wasn’t even sure he should answer. When the silence between them lasted too long, Yoongi closed the door behind him, hoping that Jungkook would open up more if they had some privacy.“I missed my company last night. It’s always fun drunk-kicking someone off your mattress.”Yoongi tried to get closer to Jungkook, but he could tell the maknae was tensing. He found it surprising because Jungkook was often very responsive to his touch in a good way. Usually Jungkook was at his calmest held against Yoongi’s chest, his head leaning back on Yoongi’s shoulder, but Jungkook didn’t seem to want him close.It felt almost like Yoongi had done something wrong. Jungkook looked hurt. Yoongi tried to ignore the worry that the anxiety in Jungkook’s eyes was causing. He wanted nothing more than to soothe him and try to help him make up for the lost hours now, but he had too much work to do today. He couldn’t let Namjoon down.“I’m a bit late getting to work, hyung,” Jungkook answered apologetically. “Could this wait?”Yoongi had to understand. Jungkook couldn’t miss a practice with those guest instructors. Big Hit wouldn’t allow it. He didn’t need them barging into Jungkook’s room only to find him and Yoongi huddled together on his bed. At the very least, Yoongi was smart enough to realize that his and Jungkook’s solution to insomnia wouldn’t exactly be accepted by anyone who didn’t understand.An hour and a few soothing words later, Jimin was pulling himself back together. Their talk wasn't very long, both of them not knowing what to say, but eventually they did reach a point where Jimin was more comfortable sharing.“I think we tried to hook up last month,” Jimin continued, trying not to be hurt by how shaken Tae looked over the whole thing. Jimin could only appreciate that his panicked friend’s first reaction was to go from crisis to gameplan mode in seconds. Tae was silent, carefully running through his memories and wondering how he’d missed the signs.He wasn’t tense, though, and Jimin was really happy to see that. At least until Tae changed the subject.“I don’t know what must be running through your mind,” Tae said finally, seemingly relieved they’d progress through their talk without running into an argument. “If this is happening, Jimin, we have to tell him the truth. We have to.”“He’ll feel weird. Look how tense Jin looks, Yoongi's going to take it the wrong way.”“There isn’t a right way to take how Jin is acting, but we know he’s going to get over it and so will Yoongi. Keeping a secret is only going to make things worse.” He sighed out and looked around his room for answers. “Does this change anything, Jimin?”“What part?”“Nobody’s ever told me they were gay before,” Tae said shyly. “I’ve known about a few of my friends, but no one’s ever told me.”In a surprising move, Jimin giggled a bit.“It doesn’t change anything for me if it doesn’t change anything for you,” he explained simply. Tae looked relieved. “So should I go for it? Yoongi, I mean.”He was looking for encouragement. He was looking for his friend to smile and tell him how lucky Yoongi would be to have him. He was looking for some kind of support to propel him as he tried to find a way to be honest with Yoongi.But Tae took way too long to answer.“Tae?” He frowned.“I don't know, Jimin.”  Namjoon was lost in thought so often that he was panicked knowing that he was going to be spending so much time with Yoongi by himself now that Hobi had decided to supervise the dance practice to make sure the maknae line was being taken care of.Thinking about the past was getting him into so much trouble, particularly any time Yoongi mentioned the night before, which was frequent.“We need to do stuff like that more often,” he suggested, trying to make a few adjustments to a lyric that had been giving him trouble all morning.“I don’t think we can afford that,” Namjoon answered carefully.“Live a little, Namjoon,” Yoongi teased.“You’re in such a good mood today.”That made Yoongi think for a second. “I like writing days. It’s one of the only times we’re not being asked to change something we like. We’re just putting our thoughts on paper, and I like hearing what you and Hobi have to say.” Namjoon smiled. “I’ve got a lot to be excited for. Doesn’t it make you think about how excited you are for the fans to hear our new work? That’s usually your favorite-”Yoongi turned to the door to watch as someone passed. Hobi entered the room, the open door giving Yoongi a clear enough view of the American instructors on their way to the dance room to give the others their lesson.He couldn’t even stop himself. He immediately got up and started racing toward the door. Having seen them pass, Hobi stuck out an arm to block Yoongi’s way and keep him in the room. Guiding him inside and letting the door shut behind him, Hobi then put both his hands on Yoongi’s chest to make it clear he wasn’t going to let him leave.“I just want to talk.”“Then let me go,” Namjoon insisted, realizing that his own body was going hot at the idea of the instructors giving their younger members a hard time. Hobi gave him a warning look, as if begging him to rethink this.“I just want them to hear me out,” Yoongi insisted again.“I don’t want them trying to talk their way out of it,” Namjoon elaborated. Then it hit Yoongi. Their instructors were guests. American guests. As well as he did know how to speak English, he wasn’t going to be able to communicate as effectively as Namjoon would.Namjoon couldn’t help thinking about how angry Yoongi was getting. Not needing anymore excuses to think back to the time his girlfriend was around, that look on Yoongi’s face was really taking him there. Yoongi looked unforgiving, as if he knew exactly what kind of people he was dealing with and wouldn’t stop until he took care of the problem. He put a hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of it,” he reassured him. “Tell me everything about it when you get back,” he finally sighed out as Hobi moved aside for Namjoon to walk past him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Anxiety doesn’t work in rational ways. Sometimes it doesn’t even work for one person the way it will for others.  Jin had to learn that the hard way as a teenager. Some people just get panic attacks, some people just feel tense until their anxiety goes away. Other people pin all of their problems on the nearest conflict in their life and use that as a way to cope. They don’t want to deal with worrying about their exams, so they blame their fear on a bad relationship with their teachers. They don’t want to worry about their parents’ divorce, so they instead blame their anxiety on how they always have too much work to do.Like Jin. Jin doesn’t want to accept his anxiety is getting the best of him again so, when the chills came back and the panic set in, he blamed it on the way he was raised. His parents made too many excuses for him. He may have overcome many of the spoiled habits that their loving intentions had left in him, but maybe trying to make excuses for his own fears was a habit that stuck around.At least the only thing he was managing to keep in perspective was the fact that his reaction had nothing to do with Yoongi, and that Yoongi deserved better than for Jin to take anything out on him. That much was clear in his mind. He’d even boiled this issue down to what was really bothering him: Jin wasn’t ready for more change right now.He pretended it was a mystery why he felt the way he did. Frankly, it was unfair of him to attribute it to something else. The company had put him on edge. They’d put him on notice. Jin always knew his place, his position on this band was constantly being put in check but now they’d made his fear into reality. Jin was under threat of being undermined by this new initiative for their next comeback.After finding out, all he had wanted to do was to have fun last night. Things had to feel like the old times where things were going so well the managers backed off. Back when things weren’t going so well that it made things worse or where things were so bad that there was no demand for them, no. There was a time where things were just right - there wasn’t too much pressure, there wasn’t too little interest, there was always just enough. They had fans that loved them and a staff that trusted them.Now that things were changing, he didn’t know where the problems would start or end. He knew the fans would start wanting too much from them. He knew the staff would stop listening to them. Handling these new instructors - whom he had yet to fight about their treatment of the maknaes - would become the norm. Behind all of it, Jin had to wonder would everyone just lose faith in them? He also had to wonder if maybe he’d be the one to start falling short. That was the most likely case in his eyes. Last night, his body was begging for him to displace this fear. It did that once before when he first started at Big Hit. Instead of admitting he was afraid, he’d rather believe that the other trainees were against him and were his biggest competition.Now, rather than believe he was losing himself his own seat at the table, he needed to feel betrayed. He needed to feel afraid, even. And the easiest route was to pin it all on Yoongi hiding secrets from the boys. It was as if his mind had decided against his will that maybe if they were closer, Jin wouldn’t be afraid to tell the boys that it was only a matter of time before the company sell him out.It was unfair. It didn’t make sense. It especially didn’t suit the facts considering how much Yoongi supported and reassured him at that party. For survival, though, his brain had to flip that switch. The more he tried to think about these things, the more he wondered when he’d stop being safe. It was only a matter of time.The best thing he could do is try to handle things alone before his mind played more tricks on him. He’d never live it down if he tried to take out his problems on Yoongi. He’d never forgive himself if he let himself seem mad at him, especially when Yoongi’s confession had nothing to do with it. Maybe the confession had caused some panic, but Jin and Yoongi’s friendship would never change over something like this and Jin was trying his hardest not to let his own fears get in the way.  Though it was almost impossible to ever have a clear explanation of one’s own feelings, Jimin felt practically like Tae was interrogating him for one.Maybe he’d sprung the news on his friend a bit too quickly, but he’d never expected Tae to show doubt over this kind of thing. Tae was a romantic. He believed in luck, fate, and destiny. For him to become such a realist over Jimin’s feelings for Yoongi was not only startling but upsetting to Jimin.He felt like the optimistic world he’d built for himself these past months was crashing down a little. Tae was practically sniffing out gaps in his story, creating some exposure Jimin didn’t want to be called out on.“For this all to have started four months ago, that’s a little suspicious-” Tae started. Jimin knew exactly where he was going with that.“Don’t start-”“That’s around the time you and Jeongyeon broke up,” he finished.“Why do you even have to bring that up?”“The fact that you still don’t like hearing about her worries me.”“ I broke up with her , Tae.” Jimin didn’t like the tricks his mind was trying to play on him, associating Jeongyeon with his feelings for Yoongi. One had happened weeks after the other and they had nothing to do with each other.“No, she broke up with you. And then you said you couldn’t handle dating another idol,” Tae reminded him. Jimin’s pouty expression turned into an angry glare.“It’s different!”Tae just raised his hands and waited, a look on his face that was less riddled with fear and more expectant. As if to say he expected better. Tae didn’t answer Jimin.“It is different, Taehyung. I wouldn’t be bringing this up if I didn’t know what I am feeling was real. I would never do that to the band and I wouldn’t do that to Yoongi.”“That doesn’t change what you said about Jeongyeon.”“Of all people, I thought you might understand. You know what it’s like chasing relationships with people who are never really going to know us. You know what it’s like constantly worrying the rest of the world would find out. For once, I have feelings for someone I know won’t have other motives. I don’t have to hide to be with him and I’m not afraid about what’s going to happen. Don’t you get how that’s different?”“That makes it sound more like it’s just convenient, Jimin.” Tae didn’t know why he was pushing so hard on this, but he could only try and understand himself in the moment. Yoongi was his friend, almost as close as Jimin was to him. They were family. If supporting Jimin meant risking putting Yoongi in harm’s way, well, Tae wasn’t ready to take those kind of chances. He needed to know more.“That’s not why I’m in love with him, I just want you to understand how it happened so fast. It was easy to get to know him better, even differently.”“You said he doesn’t know about your feelings.”“We haven’t told each other anything. I think we’re just afraid to say it, but I can tell something’s going on. We flirt when we’re alone, try to sneak away. They’re moments, Tae, I’m not seeing things.”Tae could hear in Jimin’s tone that he was pained. He sighed out and tried to rub his best friend’s back to try and release some of the tension. “I’m not saying you are, Jimin.”“I didn’t know this would be hard for you. I should have, I know you two are fighting.” Tae sighed out, a little aggravated.“We’re not fighting. We’re just…...We’re fine, Jimin. This isn’t hard for me, I’m just trying to make sure you’re being careful.”“You’re not even happy for me,” Jimin pointed out. Tae felt a little slighted. The way Jimin said that made Tae sound ungrateful, like a bad friend. He was trying to protect the band, especially Jimin and Yoongi, from any rash decisions that could be made but he had to consider maybe that was making Jimin pull away from him a bit. He tried to give it a second thought before finally deciding he knew what had to be said.“I love you, Jimin. And I’ll support you in anything, so I’m behind you in this. I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I’m here for you,” he said, his arms wrapped around his small friend, with Tae’s chin resting on his head after he pulled him in for a lung-crushing hug. Jimin smiled through the tight hold. Things weren’t perfect, but they were where they had to be for now.“That’s all I’m asking for.” Despite the fact that Tae conceded, Jimin didn’t even want to stick around for any gossip anymore. The thought had finally entered his head that this was all one sided. The insinuation was too scary for words. The way Hobi was staring down at Yoongi had  no effect on the unapologetic, even smiley expression he got from Yoongi in return. Hobi seemed suspicious that Yoongi was ready to run out when Yoongi knew he was perfectly consoled just in knowing Namjoon was going to handle the instructors. Namjoon’s english was great, his sarcasm was almost too superb, and his anger was just as real as Yoongi’s own from the look he saw their leader give the instructors as he made his way out.Yoongi felt a slight swell of pride from that. Namjoon may have been young enough to be a maknae himself, but he seemed to see the younger members the way Yoongi saw them. They were to be protected at all costs. Namjoon would do just fine telling the instructors off.Meanwhile, Hobi clearly needed some cheering up. The way he was glaring down at Yoongi through narrowed eyes, his stern frown and flaring nostrils made him look as if he’d just gotten out of a fight. Yoongi didn’t know what else to call it except attractive.“If you keep flirting with me like this, I might just have to do something about it,” Yoongi teased as he smiled up at his best friend from his seat on the couch. The way Hobi startled was so unreal to Yoongi. Yoongi felt almost like he’d caught him in something and it made him giggle. He didn’t know why Hobi would get embarrassed but he assumed maybe Hobi had been purposefully trying to look good to get more compliments about his looks.Hobi wasn’t someone who looked for attention or praise, but he was someone who rarely got acknowledgement for how hard he tries. Yoongi could see it in his eyes whenever he got the praise he deserved, so if Hobi was getting addicted to the attention he was getting lately, Yoongi would happily oblige in giving him more.“I’m not flirting,” he excused himself.“Calm down, Hobi. I think your new resting-bedroom-eyes came with the hair. And your jacket is definitely helping.” Yoongi looked down to see Hobi was wearing his jacket, the black one he’d wear on stage from time to time. Hobi stole his clothes from time to time. It never meant anything, but Yoongi was dying to tease him about it right now. “Is that new?”Hobi looked too taken aback to recognize the jacket. “Why are you complimenting me so much lately?”Yoongi could hear genuine confusion in his voice and he finally decided to stop joking around. “I heard the managers tried to give you trouble about your hair lately-”“They’re right, it makes me stand out too much,” Hobi said quietly in case Namjoon came back.“To hell with that,” Yoongi dismissed the thought, suddenly more annoyed. He knew the managers were creating problems lately too but he didn’t want to have to deal with one himself. Hobi seemed to be waiting for answers, so Yoongi couldn’t help but go off. “When do you ever get the attention you deserve? Our fans love this look on you, more importantly so do you. I’ve never seen you so happy.” Yoongi realized then that he was getting too serious. Recent events were turning him bitter but he insisted on keeping a positive aura for the sake of the members. He smiled a bit, which confused Hobi. He took on a new tone. “And if that’s not enough for you, I will personally take up a fight if you cut it because my Hoseok is handsome. Let him be handsome.”Hoseok burst into a laugh. “Stop flirting with me, hyung,” he retorted.“I will when you stop letting me get away with it,” Yoongi snipped back. They were both blushing and Yoongi felt just a bit exposed. He’d shown his hand, that he was getting tired of how things were going lately. Finally, he was just sighed out and got up from his chair, passing Hobi as he headed for the door. “Ahhh, arguing with you is exhausting. I’m going to go find a place to take a nap.”Hobi’s smile twisted as another confused expression crossed his features. “We haven’t even started writing yet.” Yoongi just shrugged as he walked out the door and made his way to the genius studio to nap on the couch.  
The fact that Yoongi couldn’t hear himself reacting should have been the first tip-off that this was a dream. Yoongi was anything but quiet during sex and he had no doubts that Jimin writhing under his body the way he was now would be enough to make him just as loud as the singer was being now.

The entire thing seemingly started off innocent. Being on Yoongi’s bed wasn’t meant to be an invitation for anything. He and Jimin were just sneaking a kiss while they knew the members were away and there’d be no one to catch them. Yoongi could only guess that this happened because he and Jimin simultaneously had the realization that finding alone time ever again after this would be practically impossible.

Yoongi was happy that their own impatience was more than enough motivation for the both of them.

Maybe it should have thrown him off how little he cared about the members finding out. Or that he was indulging in the way that thinking about the others listening in was making Jimin’s loud moans that much hotter to him. The younger’s voice was like nothing he’d heard before, with a kind of high pitch and sharpness to his cries that made Yoongi wish so badly that he’d be able to get used to this.

Yoongi was so lucky he’d trained himself in the kind of self-control it took to know when to stop, because he’d almost finished twice now from how overwhelmed he was. Sure part of it was it being so long since his last hookup. It felt like months since their training initiatives began and Big Hit wasn’t exactly leaving him opportunities to find someone’s company to enjoy when all of the band’s time was spent together nowadays. He almost chuckled at the idea that he was just trying to find a loophole.

No, the real motivation was coming from the way that this just felt so right. Even if he wasn’t willing to admit just how much he was hoping for more with Jimin, this already didn’t feel like it was just a hookup. This was their first time sleeping together, but Yoongi felt like he’d otherwise known all anyone could learn about Jimin. He knew entirely too much about him, even what most people wouldn’t even know their best friends.

He knew enough that indulging in regularly whispering praise and offering comfort to the younger man was an instinct the moment he realized how vulnerable Jimin felt. It was just instinct to him, knowing exactly what to say to make Jimin smile.

Though in this case, it seemed to be doing a lot more than cheering Jimin up. With words alone, Jimin had gone from just being overwhelmed with need to being inconsolable with chills going down his spine once Yoongi settled into a rhythm of telling him how good he felt and how hot he looks.

Before, Yoongi could tell Jimin was worried about the others finding out too. Jimin was biting his lip trying his best to hold his cries in but Yoongi loved how half-assed the effort was now. It was so easy to distract him, to make him forget about his worries. The surprising thing about knowing the good, the bad, and just every side of Jimin was how little it did to scare Yoongi away. In fact, knowing Jimin so well wasn’t just making Yoongi comfortable about this experience and about taking this step with him. It was motivating Yoongi.

The only thing that was new to him was seeing him like this. The normally angelic, perfect man was looking deliciously ruined with his perfect lips swollen from biting, his face curled up from sensation. Yoongi’s favorite part of this picture was the faint little smile crossing Jimin’s expression from time to time. That little smile was killing Yoongi. It was there whenever they kissed, the kiss often interrupted by the giggles that it sparked. The small laughs grew fainter when Yoongi finally had his hands on Jimin. Jimin’s lips pressed together into a line as he whined, so sensitive to touch that it gave Yoongi a chill to think of how much fun he was going to have with that discovery.

But that tiny daring smile would keep coming back whenever Jimin caught his breath. Even between cries, between positions, between changes, Jimin’s face would light up in the moments where he’d meet Yoongi’s eyes. From the little smiles that they’d exchange or the occasional laugh they’d share, Yoongi was building up the hope that this wouldn’t be the last time they did this.

But in case it was, Yoongi was certainly making good use of the chance to find out what Jimin liked. The answer so far seemed to be everything. Between a hard bite on his shoulder, a hickey on his neck that he really should have protest, a smack on his ass, holding his arms above his head, or even the worst of Yoongi’s teasing, Yoongi’s trouble was certainly not in finding something that Jimin liked. Mainly, it was in having to figure out how much Jimin could handle without getting worked up too fast. He’d tried pumping Jimin’s length once only to find out that the game would have ended too fast if he overstimulated him.

In and of itself, that felt like a discovery he wanted to test, imagining Jimin overstimulated and pliant on his bed while fucked out of his senses. He wanted to know if Jimin’s cries could get any better - any more needy or shameless, but finding that out would end this experience far too soon for both of them. He was liking the sound of his name on Jimin’s lips way too much to stop just yet.

“Harder, hyung,” Jimin begged as he started to try and get a hold of himself. “Please.”

With a quiet chuckle, Yoongi licked his lips and slowed to a complete stop. The self-control it took was so unexpected to him but hearing Jimin whine the way he did motivated him to commit to his plan. With a teasing smile on his face, he waited for Jimin to look for an explanation.

Jimin’s face was still propped against a pillow for support when he finally turned to Yoongi. Just waiting for their eyes to meet, Yoongi gave Jimin a mischievous smirk before snapping his hips into Jimin’s hard enough that they both had their breath caught. On instinct, Yoongi let loose, not bothering with worrying about the aftermath or about trying to hide how much he wanted this.

Holding back didn’t seem to be what Jimin wanted either.

Because Yoongi waited for Jimin to turn to him, their eyes were still on each other when the shock came over Jimin. His eyes glazed over, his mouth hung open, and his expression didn’t express any kind of discomfort that Yoongi had feared would come with being too rough with Jimin.

Each long stroke of his hips was being met with an obscenely loud and wet sound that would be enough to give up their secret if Jimin wasn’t taking care of that job already. As if his moans hadn’t been enough to expose them, his cries of Yoongi’s name were sure to get the job done.

But even if they got caught, Yoongi would never complain about hearing his name said like that.

He had his hands wrapped greedily around Jimin’s hips when he realized Jimin was too overwhelmed to move. Jimin’s moans settled into a long whine in response to Yoongi’s brutal pace. He’d wanted to test Jimin’s limits and he was pretty sure he had a really great result in store.

If it had all been real, anyway.
  Yoongi could not have been luckier that the dream had very little effect on his body. As if solely to wake him up, the open door swung from the frame to the chair at full speed, crashing against the edge of the chair arm but also stubbing Yoongi’s head which was in the way. Yoongi couldn’t even recall how his chair had gotten so close to the door in the first place but the thought didn’t make it out when all he could do was announce the pain in his shock.“Jesus-” he continued, grabbing at his forehead. Looking up, he saw a regretful Jungkook looking ready to burst into apologies. Yoongi’s instinct kicked in as it always did with Jungkook. He’d learned to deal with all kinds of surprises just because of the maknae, always trying to ward off crisis after crisis considering the younger man’s nightmares as of late. “Don’t-” he tried to stop the onslaught of guilty apologies.“Hyung, I’m so sorry,” Jungkook breathed out, clearly horrified. “I didn’t think you were here. I just wanted to get my sweater back for rehearsal. I’m so, so-”“I shouldn’t have been so close to the door,” Yoongi waved it off too quickly. He needed desperately to get a few words out with Jungkook, and these apologies were only wasting time. While Jungkook was still staring at his forehead in shock, Yoongi continued. “Did you get here alright? On time? Were the instructors okay?”The maknae nodded absentmindedly, as if not willing to register any of his questions. Yoongi wanted to tell him just how annoying it was that they weren’t communicating well today, but he didn’t want to make Jungkook feel guilty.“Kookie,” he said finally, waiting for the boy to meet his eyes. There was so much hesitance in the gaze that stared back at him. Something terrible had gone wrong, Yoongi could feel it. “Are you mad at me?” he asked, though he’d tried not to.The silence that passed lasted too long. Was it wrong for Yoongi to panic? He and Jungkook spent endless hours together lately. He couldn’t imagine what he’d done wrong but he was scared to think he’d done something to lose Jungkook’s trust overnight. “I’m sorry if I seemed to take the night off last night or if I wasn’t listening to you. I thought you seemed okay so I didn’t think there was anything to worry about. Was I ignoring you?” He couldn’t stop trying to dig up the memories of the night before and coming up a little empty.“ Baby ,” Yoongi sighed out, a little lost for words, “what did I do?” The nickname was new. The nickname was something that began passing between them in the last few weeks. Somewhere in all the lines they were blurring by sharing a bed and cuddling each other to sleep every other night, that line had been blurred too. Jungkook would answer to ‘baby’ when they were alone, he even seemed to favor the name in a strange way, a way that Yoongi chose to overlook the way he’d overlook many details of their friendship the past few weeks. The time had long passed to think anything they were doing was weird.Yet, somehow there it was in Jungkook’s eyes. Surprise. Discomfort. Unsettling.Yoongi was ready to take the words back without question.“ Jungkook? ” he heard an annoyed voice call out from the hallway in an accent still unfamiliar to Yoongi’s ears. An instructor was looking for Jungkook. There was an immediate wash of fear over Jungkook’s face that reminded Yoongi of what Jungkook was going through these days and why he needed Yoongi’s help so badly. Yoongi snapped right back into protector mode.“Go,” Yoongi told him quietly, knowing it was best for him not to anger the instructors.Still confused from his dream and startled by Jungkook’s visit, an hour passed while Yoongi sat alone in his studio unable to sleep.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“They didn’t even seem to know I knew English,” Namjoon explained, baffled.“I’m telling you, they know nothing about us. They did no research,” Yoongi noted. “If they hate fun and games and the maknaes enjoying themselves, then they really haven’t seen a single video or livestream- Not even an American interview if they didn’t know you speak English.”Namjoon was quiet for a moment before seeming to decide on something fundamentally important. “We’re better than this.”“What?”“We’re above this,” Namjoon said finally after some thought. That was a stunning line to hear from Namjoon. The band in general lacked a suitable ego, outside of Yoongi. They didn’t even seem to accept the scale they were already at half the time. They’d done so much and sometimes Yoongi felt like he was the only one who could tell what they’d accomplished half the time.But this was Namjoon. Outside of his passive aggression, Namjoon was practically the king of humility. He made Yoongi, a realist when it came to their success, look delusionally egotistic most of the time. To get him to say the band was too important or too good for something often took a lot more work.Yoongi was so impressed it was almost unreal. He grinned a bit as he looked up at his giant bandmate.“Yeah, so what are you going to do about it?” Yoongi prompted eagerly. He liked this side of Namjoon.“We negotiated more power in our contract renewal, right? That’s something we can use in times like these, I think.”“Thank God for that contract change.”“Nah,” Namjoon joked. Yoongi nearly giggled, often forgetting Namjoon was an atheist and would always answer Yoongi’s expressions with little jokes or a play on words. “I’ll thank our lawyers.”“Shut up, this is serious.” Namjoon’s hearty laugh was such a healing sound. Yoongi needed little reminders like that to remember things weren’t all bad even if work was crap nowadays.“I’ll take it straight to Bang PD,” he said, the amusement finally dying out of his tone. “Either the instructors shape up or we won’t work with them.”“Fearless leader,” Yoongi commented in a slight tone that made Namjoon smile. Although he was being friendly now, seeing Namjoon in leadership mode was Yoongi’s favorite kind of view, especially when Namjoon looked angry.As they passed the dance room, Yoongi caught sight of Jin and decided to take another swing at his mood. He refused to let another interaction end badly. Between Jin, Tae, and Jungkook, he was taking on too many losses. He waved at Jin through the mirror reflection and whistled at him while leaning on the doorframe.“Looking good,” he called out.Jin ignored the whistle, doing his best to stay focused on the move he was practicing. He finally looked decent doing this move. He wasn’t going to break concentration for anyone. Jin refused to be sent to the back of this routine’s dance formations. He was being hidden for too many numbers. According to the managers, that was affecting his credibility.Though he could only speculate as to why the managers would bring up all these concerns now rather than when they came up, he didn’t have time to be suspicious when he was so stressed about staying relevant. With the lowest fan rates, the company was saying Jin was fading into obscurity. He thought his solo number had actually done wonders for his popularity but for some reason the company seemed unsatisfied.Jin just didn’t answer Yoongi when he called out to him. He made a purposeful decision not to engage, for Yoongi’s sake. Maybe if he avoided Yoongi long enough, he’d have a chance to sort out his thoughts. Maybe he could get this fear and paranoia to stop gripping it’s claws on his mental image of Yoongi. He wouldn’t blame Yoongi for his problems if it was the last thing he did. Not like he did last time. Not like he did as a trainee.“Jin?” Yoongi asked. When Jin looked up, he realized Yoongi had walked up to him and was standing right behind him. “It seems like you’re still struggling. Do you want us to let Hobi go for the day so he can work with you?”Offended, Jin had thought his move looked pretty good compared to what it was like before. Yoongi completely invalidated his progress in just his first words upon entering the room. Jin huffed. “Don’t you need him?”“Well yeah….but we want you to look good, don’t we?” Yoongi teased gently.Jin had to physically bite his tongue to keep from reacting with any words. The silence was long and awkward.“Did I say something wrong?” Yoongi asked carefully, noting the discomfort Jin seemed to be feeling.“No, I love jokes about my terrible dancing. Please, keep going,” he said in a flat tone.Yoongi froze before licking his lips and aiming his gaze at the floor. “I didn’t mean it like that.”“I’m doing fine and I don’t need Hobi.”“Okay. I’m sorry,” Yoongi answered cautiously. Jin sighed, willing himself to calm down. He was turning into a bully again and he wasn’t willing to go back into that headspace. Not around the boys.“No, I’m sorry,” Jin said finally, though his tone didn’t convey enough of a true apology at all. Yoongi could tell he meant all of his words before. Jin was offended and he wasn’t going to let that go. “I need to get back to dancing. Namjoon’s waiting for you anyway.” Jin nodded at Namjoon’s reflection in the mirror to make Yoongi look.Namjoon was stressfully peeking out into the hallway in-between watching the eldest band members from afar. Nodding solemnly, Yoongi left to join him.As soon as they were out of eyesight, Jin tried to relax and went to lean against the mirror. That had gone exactly how he didn’t want it to go.Namjoon could instantly tell how badly the talk with Jin went. He seemed intent on making Yoongi laugh as they walked. He had settled into happy banter with Yoongi that turned into a comfortable silence as they waited for Hobi in the genius studio.Then Namjoon broke the atmosphere with a single name. He just needed to see Yoongi’s reaction to a reminder about her. He insisted upon it. There were things this girl said about Yoongi that he hadn’t been able to believe before. Maybe he was just seeing things, but Yoongi’s confession last night rattled in his mind with the words this girl had said about Yoongi’s behavior around him.“I was looking at Twitter the other day. I saw that Mi-Cha got a new boyfriend.”Yoongi seemed absolutely triggered at Namjoon’s words. He just blinked at him a few times and looked about ready to burst into a rant. He cleared his throat and licked his lips as if preparing for a roast right then and there.But he held himself back.“And?” Yoongi asked in what Namjoon had to think was his attempt at a patient tone.“Nothing, I just thought it was interesting.”“Interesting that she found someone to put up with her?”“Yoongi. ” Namjoon hated when he got like this and he regretted putting them in this situation when things had been so peaceful before.“Interesting like you want to warn him and save him the trouble?”“Okay, I get your point.”“I don’t think you do. Why are you even bringing her up?” he asked bitterly.The smallest, smallest part of Namjoon liked this. A tiny voice in the back of his head noted that Yoongi was acting like this because of how much he cared. His ex-girlfriend Mi-Cha hadn’t been good for Namjoon. Hell, she broke Namjoon more than once. This was Yoongi’s version of being protective, even if Namjoon just generally didn’t like hearing people be rude about someone he once loved.“I just didn’t have anything else to say.”“So you picked that ?”“So I’m not ever supposed to talk about her?”“Do what you want but it’s like with a villain in a horror movie. You don’t say their name so they don’t appear.” Yoongi sighed out, exasperated at how violently he was reacting. Even he didn’t seem to think his reaction made any sense. “You just ignore her until she stops existing. Why are you even still following her on social media?”“I don’t know-” Namjoon started just as Hoseok entered the room. Clearly just registering how upset Yoongi was and how exasperated Namjoon seemed, he seemed ready to comment when Yoongi got up from his chair.“I’m out of ideas for these songs,” he announced as if nothing had happened. There was still an edge to his tone. He started heading for the door.“Where are you going?” Namjoon asked him.“I’m going to do a livestream or something. I need to talk to people who aren’t in this building,” he said, fed up.“Hoseok just got here! Are we ever going to get back to writing these songs?” Namjoon called after him.“Write your own verse first then,” Yoongi called back. “And keep her name out of it.” The last part was so snarky Namjoon felt like burying his face in his hands. He’d messed up. He’d really messed up.Namjoon couldn’t hold it against Yoongi either. Namjoon had seemingly forgotten for a moment how much Mi-Cha had cost them once as friends. He’d upset Yoongi all just because he was curious to test out a theory. The test certainly prove his line of thinking though, Yoongi’s anger had always seemed a bit strange and Namjoon couldn’t tell even now if he was just seeing things or if something else had been happening with Yoongi when Mi-Cha was around.  Pacing in the hallway outside the door to an empty room, Yoongi was holding a tripod and camera set up while debating whether he was really ready to record right now. His blood was still boiling from the talk with Namjoon and his heart was still sunken from the chat with Jin.Just as he was sure nothing could make this worse, Tae turned the corner and seemed to tense upon seeing him. In that moment, Yoongi decided he’d had it with everyone’s bad mood. He was going to make things better if it was the last thing he did.“Tae, wait right there.” Yoongi jogged up to approach him.“Hmm?” the younger man hummed too innocently. Yoongi had seen him freeze. He’d seen the fear in his eyes already. Tae was hiding something and he wasn’t fooling Yoongi one bit.“I’m doing a livestream and I need help.” This plan was going to work. Yoongi needed it to work.“Do you want me to get someone?” Tae asked, genuinely confused now.“No, I want you,” Yoongi insisted.“I’m really tired from rehearsal, hyung. I can’t really hold a camera up.” Yoongi gestured at Tae with the tripod in his hand.“That job’s taken. I want company. ARMY will like it more if I’m around someone who interests me.”Tae didn’t seem to understand whether to be flattered or suspicious at that comment. Yoongi hated this fight they were in. It was making it absolutely impossible to show any care or kindness towards Tae without the younger man thinking he had an ulterior motive. Yoongi just wanted them to be okay again already.“Maybe I could get someone else,” Tae tried shyly, though he seemed to be trying to accept the compliment.“I want you,” Yoongi said finally, dragging Tae gently by his elbow into the room.As he set up, he tried to aim a careful smile at Tae, who nervously curled up into a couch chair and started texting rather intently on his phone. He was clearly sending a rushed message to someone but Yoongi couldn’t help but wonder who. He didn’t even know what friends Tae was most attached to lately. It was time to catch up.“Who are you talking to?” he asked curiously.“The love of my life,” Tae said in a melodramatic tone.“Oh yeah?” Yoongi asked sarcastically. “Are they cute?”“Gorgeous.”“Well, tell Jungkook I said hi,” Yoongi said, despite knowing Jungkook and Tae’s dynamic could be very awkward nowadays. It was not unpleasant, just awkward. Yoongi wondered at times if there was something to see there, but it eventually became pretty apparent that, as they got older, Tae and Jungkook’s communication styles just did not blend well together.Besides, Yoongi very quietly knew Tae’s style of affection was the kind that startled Jungkook. There was also the added edge that those two couldn’t seem to even tolerate jokes about being together after reading about rumors online. Yoongi knew that had more to do with their fans and less to do with them, but it had changed them. He had to admit he wanted the joke to make Tae a little uncomfortable, just to tease him.Tae was surprisingly casual about it. He made a ‘pshhhh’ noise before suddenly cracking up after a few seconds of silence.“Oh god. I just imagined Jungkook wearing a dress, following me around, and calling me ‘oppa’.” He dramatically dragged his hands across his face as if trying to wipe out the mental image. “Asking for help with his purse, needing to borrow my coat, having to walk slow in heels. Oh god, make it stop-”“It’s not my fault your mind doesn’t have a filter,” Yoongi answered with an amused smile. “Also, I did not need that glimpse into your depressing idea of an soulmate.”“What?”“That ‘love of your life’ you described sounds needy.”“No. I don’t like needy,” Tae answered simply, confused.“Then why would you assume the love of your life is a clingy follower that needs all of your attention?”“Isn’t that just-” Tae fell quiet, knowing his question was about to sound stupid out loud.“Some people aren’t like that, Tae,” Yoongi sing-songed at him. Tae didn’t like this conversation. He suddenly felt like Yoongi was calling him out for fishing in the wrong barrel.“What about you?” Tae asked suddenly. If they were going to be awkward, the least he could do was try to get some information for Jimin like a proper wingman.“What about me?”“Your love life. We never talk about it.”“Because it doesn’t exist,” Yoongi joked. “I’m too busy babysitting you all.”“Oh really? You told us some wild stories last night.” Taehyung regretted those words as soon as they came out of his mouth.“Like what?” Yoongi’s attention snapped right to Tae, fully concentrated now that someone had finally started talking about what happened the night before.Tae just shrugged, lying smoothly to get himself out of this mess. “Oh, I don’t remember. At some point, you and I agreed to take four shots each and my memory gets blurry from there.” Yoongi was suspicious suddenly, and Tae could tell.Luckily, Yoongi was suspicious about the wrong detail. As he finished setting up the camera and took his seat in front of it, he was getting ready to press the record button as he spoke.“Tae, you can hardly handle one shot. How did we handle four?” Tae could smile at that, because this was a question he could answer.“Hoseok filled the last three with water,” he confessed with a shit-eating grin.“Get out,” Yoongi commanded jokingly, pointing at the door with his free hand. “We’re not friends anymore.” Tae laughed heartily until Yoongi finally gestured at him to be quiet after a few seconds. He was about to start the stream.It was awkward at first, but Yoongi eventually found comfort in taking some of Tae’s suggestions that he’d text to his phone so he could read it while streaming. It ranged from ideas like trying to teach ARMY how to beatbox, for the sake of making them laugh with how awkward it looked, to trying out different imitations of beloved cartoon characters like Pingu. All in all, he was having fun with Tae at his side. Jimin’s phone buzzed with a new text just as he’d picked it up at the start of his break.
SOS...Yoongi is looking for company.
It was from Tae. Knowing his break was almost over, Jimin texted back quickly.
I’ll be there in 15.
Jimin should not have jumped so fast at the chance of spending time with Yoongi. That was perhaps too much for the stage they were in. Worst of all, he probably worried Tae by answering so fast. His hesitant friend was trying to do him a favor and here Jimin was being reckless just as Tae had feared.Slowly finishing up his work with the instructors, Jimin tried not to rush them as they finished their lesson with him. Things were going better now that Jimin was on his best behavior. He’d been doing so well with the instructors. Being accused of playing games with Jungkook and Tae hurt when he’d done everything to get on the instructors’ good sides and never participated in the games to begin with. Jimin had never been disliked by a single one of his dance instructors in the past and he didn’t plan on breaking that steak, no matter how stubborn these instructors were.When the class finally finished, Jimin pulled out his phone immediately.
Where?
The reply took a long time. Too long. Pulling on his headphones, Jimin started wandering the building checking empty rooms to see if he could find them. Tae was giggling at Yoongi’s antics of trying to mimic the cartoon characters that Tae would text him name-by-name. His hyung was doing a terrible job but he was definitely putting his all into it and that made it all kind of endearing. Reading the comments on the stream, ARMY was loving it. It was so unlike Yoongi to just delve into his sillier side so immediately, especially on a livestream. Yet Tae wondered if Yoongi felt more open because he had company. That made Tae feel a little special, if he was being honest.Just as he was scrolling through the comments, a notification obstructed his view of the livestream chat.
Where?
It was Jimin.Tae looked up at Yoongi, who made a dumb face while trying to imitate a cartoon penguin again. The face was aimed at him from off-screen so Tae could tell the expression had been made just to amuse him and not ARMY.He wouldn’t trade this private moment for anything, even if it meant ignoring Jimin.Closing that text chat, Tae gave Yoongi a thumbs up as he tried to swallow his own giggles so ARMY wouldn’t know he was there. Wear your glasses? They love it when you do that, Tae texted Yoongi. I have no excuse. I’m not reading anything, Yoongi replied, picking up his phone during the stream.
Just do it, they think it’s cute.

Oh sure. In that case, let me just bite one of the arms too and pout my lips.

Maybeeeee?

TAE.

Okay, maybe that’s too sexy. Stop texting by the way, it looks like you’re ignoring ARMY.

Sexy?!?

Stop texting.
Yoongi practically disappeared into his phone, telling ARMY he had a quick work issue to solve. He was typing for so long that Tae almost wondered if he was being honest and something had come up. He was about to offer to take over when he received the second longest text message he’d ever gotten from Yoongi, second only to the ‘I love you’ text.
But then how would I confront you for trying to talk me into sexy glasses? You are the only person I know who tries to seduce people into things. Next you’ll try to talk me into a dress and heels that I’ll get tired in and a purse that I’ll need you to carry for me, oppa.
Tae nearly gave himself away from wanting to laugh at that comment. He covered his mouth with his hand to cut off giggles as he tried to calm himself down.
I hate you. I’m never telling you anything again.

Yeah well, I don’t appreciate you exploiting and objectifying my reading glasses for ‘sexiness’.

They are FAKE glasses. Don’t start, Min Yoongi.
Nearly laughing and forgetting himself, Tae was saved by the loud burst that sounded as the door opened violently, a surprised Jimin entering the room with headphones blasting music so loudly it could be heard echoing in the room. Sorry, he mouthed, looking as shocked about finding them as much as they were surprised to see him. He quickly turn down the volume on his headphones.Tae did his best to act like he was surprised Jimin had finally come. Then he realized he should have focused on acting surprised that Jimin had come at all. He never told Yoongi he had texted Jimin just so that he could be swapped out.He never should have tried to avoid his hyung.In just the first few minutes, things were already awkward. Yoongi had stopped joking around with Tae and started just answering comments as if he was trying to avoid looking over. There was a tension in the room that made Taehyung realize Jimin wasn’t kidding. They were having real moments. There was an air around them that was practically suffocating to be around. Tae could feel himself being physically pushed out from feeling almost like it was hard to breathe when those two were trying so hard to stop wanting to blatantly watch each other.Tae felt jealous in a way that didn’t make a lot of sense to him until he was reminded of why the happy moment with Yoongi felt so special: Yoongi almost never gave him any attention .Licking his lips, he tried not to let his mind suggest to him that Jimin and Yoongi dating would mean he’d really never get attention from his hyung. Jimin would take up so much more of Yoongi’s time, and Tae always felt like Yoongi picked Jungkook above everyone all the time. Tae would get pushed out as always. This was only going to make things worse.Maybe it was selfish to think these things, but the thoughts were so consuming in the moment that Tae found himself rising from his seat and just leaving the room without a word of warning. It was for the best that he didn’t disrupt the livestream, but he could tell Yoongi’s eyes were actively following him out. It signalled to the fans that somebody had definitely been in there with him.
Shit.
Well, if there was anyone to blame for exposure, he was sure it’d only be a matter of time before Jimin and Yoongi started making obnoxious heart eyes at each other. He bitterly wondered if ARMY would be able to tell Yoongi was actively trying to court his fellow bandmate behind the camera lens.Of course they wouldn’t.With an eye roll, Tae tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him all of these thoughts were irrational and unfair. As Tae left, Yoongi couldn’t help feeling like he’d failed him. He’d been so distracted and nervous over Jimin’s arrival that he felt like he’d pushed Tae out of the equation by being so awkward. He’d just started ignoring Tae and he knew that wasn’t fair when Tae was there to help him in the first place.It didn’t help that they were completely having problems because he had been accused by the others of always picking everyone else over Tae.He’d really messed this one up.Having nearly called out after him, Yoongi tried to recover from exposing himself by making up a smooth lie. “My cameraman just abandoned me,” he said in a sing-song tone. “I’m terrible with these things-” He adjusted the camera for emphasis. Taking the slightest of moments to look at his hair in the return image, he was nearly startled by a text.
You look great, trust me.
It was Jimin.It really took everything in Yoongi not to react to that text. He wanted to smile, laugh, or even just blush at how frank Jimin was getting but he knew better than to give himself away in front of ARMY. Looking up, Jimin showed Yoongi his phone screen was on the livestream and he was actively watching and listening through his headphones.Someone in the comments asked Yoongi what his favorite equipment for sound was. He had to dance around the question, knowing he couldn’t answer with a company name without getting into trouble for endorsing a brand. Instead, he started to describe the equipment in general terms.Then another comment asked about headphones versus earplugs for editing. He started to excitedly explain why headphones were typically used more in the business. He loved the technical talk so much he started to really appreciate how relaxing talking to ARMY could be sometimes. He normally never got questions this interesting.Someone asked: favorite headphones? “Now you guys are just trying to get me into trouble,” he said, the words coming off a lot more flirty than he meant them. Jimin covered his mouth as if trying to stifle a giggle. Yoongi couldn’t help the thrill that came with the thought that he might have just charmed the younger man by accident.He really hoped he wasn’t blushing but it felt so hot in this room.Suddenly Yoongi remembered his dream and it felt like all of his blood rushed to his head. He’d completely forgotten about the dream when he started his talk with Namjoon. His breath uneven, he tried to focus on the questions in the chat. ARMY seemed to have noticed the way his eyes lit up while talking about equipment and seemed to want to provoke that reaction again.
What about for leisure? Headphones or earphones?
“Headphones, just headphones, always,” he answered after reading the question out loud. Jimin huffed the most quiet laugh at how automatic and stubborn Yoongi’s answer had been. Staring at Jimin for a second, Yoongi could only be grateful he was directly at the eye angle that the camera was at so ARMY wouldn’t find it suspicious how long he was watching. Jimin, however, did notice and looked up only to stare right back at Yoongi. “I don’t know if any of you saw it but I answered a fan once about what I look for in someone during a first impression.” He trailed off. When he tore his eyes off Jimin, he noticed in the comments that someone quoted his words back to him.“Yes, exactly,” he said, selecting the comment to read it out loud. Then he tried to elaborate but couldn’t help looking at Jimin as he spoke, his eyes wandering from the camera. “When I see people wearing headphones, I immediately start to find their personality attractive right at the start. I want to know what they’re listening to, what they’re thinking about as the music travels through them. You’ll never meet an amazing dancer or talented musician that doesn’t prefer headphones.”Jimin pulled off his headphones and smiled nervously at Yoongi, not knowing how to take his words.“It’s seems like a small choice, but I think it says a lot to me about the kind of person someone is and whether we’d be a match.”Jimin was blushing but before Yoongi could read much into it, Jimin started typing on his phone and Yoongi suddenly got a text.
D O R K
Yoongi licked his lips and smiled mischievously. Before he could worry about ARMY seeing his reaction, Namjoon suddenly burst in the door. He nodded his head towards the hallway. Yoongi sighed out, a little miffed at seeing Namjoon so soon. He needed a minute longer.Specifically perhaps he needed a minute longer with Jimin. It was dangerous, though, since he knew he had been seconds from turning off the camera to pull up closer to him and see what would happen now that they were alone.Maybe it really was better that they had been interrupted.“Bad news, guys,” Yoongi said to the camera. “Namjoon’s come to bust up our fun. I have to go back to work now.” Namjoon rolled his eyes at Yoongi’s passive aggressive whining. Meanwhile, ARMY immediately reacted to his mention, asking desperately to see the band leader. “He and I are going to be a bit busy but I have an idea-” He looked to the door and pretended to be calling out to someone. “Oh, Jimin! Jiminnn?” he said to the door. Jimin was startled. “Do you think you could wrap up a livestream for me?”Jimin finally caught onto why Yoongi was talking to the door. He was letting Jimin pretend to make a sudden entrance like he hadn’t been there the whole time.“Sure, hyung?” he answered from behind the camera, still a little confused as to why he was being asked to replace him. He got up and pulled his headphones off from around his neck. “Anything for our ARMY!” The embellishment in his dramatic phrasing and his choice of tone had been so unnecessary that Yoongi stood up quickly just so he could laugh at Jimin’s silliness off-screen.Yoongi puts his hands gently on Jimin’s waist as they tried to scoot past each other to switch places. The dancer reacted like he had been pinched, surprised by the touch and a little too tense for it. Yoongi giggled at the thought that he made Jimin nervous.As he followed Namjoon out of the room, Yoongi picked up his phone and sent a message. That’s for distracting me , he texted Jimin. I was innocent! That’s just cruel , he got back.Yoongi knew he’d have a good answer to this eventually. He’d have to save this and reply to it later.Entering the hallway, Namjoon barely got two words in to Yoongi before they were interrupted by their managers.“We’re shooting a last-minute episode,” they warned them apologetically, cutting right to the chase. “We really need it for the channel, we had to cut one of the episodes and we’re going to be behind if we don’t get more footage.”“Uhh- Sure. When?” Namjoon asked calmly.“Today. Now.” Namjoon and Yoongi turned to each other with wide eyes. What was going on with Big Hit lately? “I’ll call the others,” Namjoon said, resigned to their fate.“Don’t bother. Just get into the main dance room.”Hoseok was the only one waiting in the room when they arrived. Yoongi couldn’t help himself. He had to ask-“Have you seen Jin today? I think he’s feeling a little shaky about his dance,” Yoongi said, trying to be helpful.“I was actually feeling great about it until you showed up,” Jin defended, entering from the doorway a few feet behind Yoongi.Yoongi could tell he had messed up for ignoring Jin’s previous request that he leave Hobi out of it. “That was inappropriate. I’m sorry-” he started immediately, trying to make up for the mistake.“No, it’s fine. Maybe you should go get the stylist and tell her my bangs are looking uneven. Or the makeup artist since my cheeks look puffy. Better yet, I’m gaining weight so-”“Jin, I’m sorry-” he reinforced.“Or just tell the vocal coach I’m sounding a little pitchy lately,” he finished in a mumble. Jin finally sighed out, contented that he’d gotten his rant out. Yoongi realized through Jin’s words that he’d been unknowingly picking on Jin’s insecurities today. He should have seen Jin’s reaction coming considering how badly everyone’s been on edge lately over the initiative. He was showering everyone else in praise and flooding them with entertainment all while raining on Jin’s parade.“Jin, stand down,” Namjoon warned sternly. Jin turned to look at Namjoon. There seemed to be an understanding passed in their gaze that went completely over Yoongi’s head. He wished everyone would stop sharing this secret that he was clearly being left out of.Hoseok was looking at the ground as Namjoon and Jin walked off together. “Please don’t let him get to you. Jin’s being an ass today.”Yoongi shook his head, surprised at Hoseok. The boys normally weren’t the kind to start pointing fingers or be unsympathetic to each other’s bad moods. Hoseok seemed particularly intolerant with everyone today. “That one was completely my fault,” Yoongi clarified. “Jin is fine.”Hoseok seemed to choose to believe him rather than argue the point. Something was clearly plaguing his best friend but at this rate Yoongi was starting to understand it wouldn’t matter if he asked about it. Hobi would just tell him everything was fine, just like everyone else.As Tae and Jungkook entered the room, Yoongi spared them a glance only to watch them both look away from him and avoid his gaze. “How did you know Tae and Jungkook would be acting weird with me today?” he asked Hoseok, despite himself. He wasn’t going to get a straight answer but he didn’t think he could keep the thought in his head.“I’ll talk to them,” was all Hoseok answered, his face twisting up in anger and his tone stiff.“I really would rather you didn’t,” Yoongi argued.It was then that Yoongi finally thought of a good answer to Jimin’s text. Jimin hadn’t arrived yet so he knew it was now or never, because he definitely could never keep a straight face if he texted Jimin this while he was in the same room.
You don’t strike me as particularly innocent lately.
Maybe Yoongi had counted too much on the safety of texting Jimin scandalous things from afar, because his heart had nearly leapt out of his chest when he heard a notification arrive on someone’s phone as soon as he pressed send. Turning around, Yoongi saw Jimin just two feet away from him looking like he was approaching to greet him when he stopped and pulled out his phone to look at the text.Jimin made a face at his phone and then looked up at Yoongi in amusement. Yoongi really wished he could disappear in this moment. He hadn’t meant for things to get that real, not to a point where he had to own up to his words like this. Jimin smirked at Yoongi for being so daring in text only for Yoongi to be blushing now that Jimin was with him in person.Yoongi was so lucky that they’d been interrupted or he wouldn’t have known how to follow up that sequence of events.“This’ll be really simple,” said a man they didn’t recognize. He seemed to be addressing them directly about the episode’s structure. They had to assume he was the director for the last minute shoot, as the entire crew looked unfamiliar to them. It wasn’t the first time they were thrown into an uncomfortable situation with strangers at the helm. It was just another day at work ever since this damn initiative started.What they hated about new crews, though, was how little they seemed to get the boys’ sense of humor. Namjoon seemed as frustrated as Yoongi felt. At least he wasn’t alone. They were being surrounded in strangers who didn’t understand the status quo. After the director finished giving orders, Yoongi stuck to Namjoon’s side.“At least it’s just a quick Palm Push game,” he said, pushing aside his own feelings to comfort the leader by going on about the benefit of the doubt. “It could be fun. I might finally lose to someone for once.” His feigned, undeserved cockiness definitely distracted Namjoon. Their ever so mature leader rolled his eyes.“As if you’re the President of Palm Push.”“More like the king. I was just born this good-” Namjoon’s snort was just about the cutest thing Yoongi had ever heard. He couldn’t even contain himself. Yoongi just started to laugh just as ugly as his friend was laughing.He’d earned himself many glares from the crew for disrupting, but even more surprising were the glares he’d earned himself from the band. While Hoseok and Jimin were amused, Tae, Jin, and Jungkook varied between different levels of angry and uncomfortable.The game itself was tense. While the others played with each other just fine except for a small spat when Tae and Jimin played each other, Yoongi didn’t enjoy a single normal game. Whether he was being too friendly or giggly with Namjoon, Jimin, and Hoseok and pissing off the director, or he was getting a dead stare from Tae who didn’t seem to want to play with him, this shoot was a disaster as far as he was involved. Normally, Yoongi was a great co-director to their episodes, trying to keep the peace and trying to lift everyone’s spirits.Being their only obstruction today was….well, it was just so weird.Playing Jungkook was particularly upsetting. He could tell in the maknae’s lifeless stare that he hadn’t been sleeping. He couldn’t understand why Jungkook would lie to him but that thought distracted him as Jungkook pushed him over on the first try. Yoongi had been paying so little attention that he’d nearly fallen over completely, to the point where he could have gotten hurt if he hadn’t caught his balance. Jungkook temporarily woke from his numb stupor just to show how upset and miserable he was that he’d nearly hurt Yoongi.“Sorry, sorry, my bad,” Yoongi excused himself as he tried to walk back to his spot.The director called for them to do it over again.“That’s not really how we work,” Namjoon tried to explain patiently.“We already can’t use almost any of his-” The man pointed to Yoongi. So this man didn’t even know their names. Wow. “-shots. Let us get at least one good one.” Namjoon nodded, trying to be fair, but clearly having noticed the same detail that Yoongi did. These people really didn’t know them at all.Jungkook was so scared of hurting Yoongi that he’d barely pushed and let Yoongi push him over on the first try before going back to his spot. “Try again?” Yoongi asked.Yoongi didn’t think it was possible for Jungkook to put in less effort than he just had, but Jungkook really didn’t even try this time. Yoongi had to concede that Jungkook was going to just give him the point. The director groaned audibly, nearly provoking Namjoon to start talking back if only Yoongi hadn’t stopped him by placing a quick grip on his wrist to calm him down.“Please try on the next one,” the director instructed in what he seemed to think was a calm tone. It was at least a lot calmer than he had been minutes before. “You-” he pointed to Jin. “Go.”“It’s Jin,” he snipped, clearly unable to help his attitude. Yoongi could tell Jin still wasn’t in a good mood and Yoongi wasn’t trying to make it any worse so he tried to play the game straight. As he almost fell backwards, he copied a move that he had seen Hoseok do once in a private game. It looked graceless when he did it, but it made the entire crew laugh. Jin even cracked a smile that made Yoongi warm at just the idea that they’d be okay before the day was over.They played quite a few rounds under the director’s orders. “We’re finally getting somewhere,” was how he put it. Yoongi could tell what he meant. Jin’s concentrated, dark expression was finally gone and he was starting to lighten up. His movements were so much more loose, allowing for longer and more amusing rounds of the game. Eventually there came a point where half of each round consisted of Yoongi and Jin trying to out-stupid each other with the dance moves they used to keep from falling backwards.Jin started laughing, almost mimicking the sound of a windshield wiper from his sheer joy. Yoongi would get so distracted by the pleasant sound so often that it’d occasionally cost him the round they were playing.At some point, he wondered if he and Jin would end up being the entire episode.“As much as I love being five inches from McShoulders over here, are we almost done?” Yoongi finally asked. The band laughed too much at his joke when the crew clearly knew it wasn’t that funny. Even Yoongi didn’t think it was very funny as it was a cheap shot, but he figured they were all on a laughing high from his antics with Jin.“Let’s do one more round,” the director answered, finally in a better mood.Instead of trying to push Jin, Yoongi instead feigned a neck chop with one hand and made a silly slashing ‘whoosh’ sound to go with it. Jin looked at him in feigned shock, acting betrayed as he abandoned the game.“Did you just whoosh me?” Jin asked, jokingly incredulous. “Was I just ‘whoosh’ed?”“Consider yourself lucky. I could have whooh -ed you,” Yoongi said, with a new sound effect at play. Jin started fake swinging at Yoongi until they ended up in a fake slow motion fight complete with even stupider sound effects than they’d started with. The band started cheering the Star Wars theme at them as Yoongi and Jin pretended to pull out lightsabers.“We can’t use this-” the director warned when they too far off the set in all of their jumping around. The boys weren’t paying attention anymore. They were watching the battle of a lifetime.“Master Kim Seokjin, I am here to plot your demise! I will be the end of you.” Yoongi announced.“Ah, but Master Min Yoongi, there is one fatal flaw in your plan!” Jin called back.“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Yoongi asked, unsure of how to play along. Their jokes normally didn’t go this far. Jin seemed to know that, because his response was perfect.“I will be the end of….MYSELF-” Jin announced before turning his air-lightsaber to stab himself in the chest. He died dramatically as the boys booed him for ending the scene so soon. Yoongi found it funny though, and Jin seemed to really appreciate that. Yoongi couldn’t help but admire the way Jin’s eyes would crinkle up when he was laughing with pure joy in amusement at his own sense of humor. It made the moment so much better.Yoongi helped Jin up from the floor before Jin gave the band a bow, expecting praise for his performance. Yoongi bowed alongside him.“Brilliant actors,” Hoseok praised them as he clapped. Jungkook just laughed through gasps for air after being so breathless from laughing. He was holding his stomach and was collapsing over a bit like he was cramping up from laughing so hard.Happiness was such a beautiful color on Jungkook. Yoongi didn’t know how to tell him that without it being weird, but he missed this side of the maknae.Yoongi was struck with an idea.Trying to catch Jin off-guard and looking to make the man yelp, Yoongi pinched Jin’s butt as they rose from their bow. He’d meant to be discreet but somehow everyone had seemed to have their eyes right on his hand. He’d realized it too late.Still laughing it off, Yoongi chuckled when Jin yelped.In that moment-long confusion where Jin tried to register what just happened, he recognized everyone’s instant reaction. Jin could see it strike everyone’s mind their memory of the night before, of finding out that Yoongi was attracted to men. In that moment, he felt like he could see the most shallow, evil part of some of them that wondered if this revelation had anything to do with Yoongi’s physical jokes or the way he showed affection. He could see right then that initial cringe reaction was surfacing, the one that had been trained into him as a child whenever he’d been told what to expect and what to think of gay people. That weak, evil voice was suddenly screaming at him to react in repulsion to protect himself.Jin didn’t see that the boys’ reactions hadn’t been an accusation that the pinch was in any way related to Yoongi confessing that he was attracted to men. Yoongi’s move had just served as a brief reminder crossing everyone’s mind at the same time, reminding them that the night had really changed a lot for them in very different ways.But it hadn’t changed Jin. Not until this moment. Not until he misread everyone’s expression as a reflection of his own inner conflict. Not until he felt the crew staring because they weren’t used to their antics and clearly didn’t know how to take the clearly very compromising gesture when it was out of context.He had to defend himself. He needed people to know this is not who he was. For some reason, this felt so important now that he was on notice. He didn’t need more reasons for people to dislike him. He didn’t need a scandal or rumors or disdain from any of the new crew. He didn’t need staff hearing about this.Jin reacted so quickly that he barely noticed that band had already begun to laugh the joke off now that the reminder of the night before had come and gone without issue. Or at least, without issue to everyone but Jin.“What the hell was that?!” he heard himself say. It felt almost like a stranger was talking. This hate, this fear, this overreaction didn’t feel like he was himself. This all felt like he’d been replaced with someone else who didn’t feel remorse in saying these things. But if there was no remorse, why was he already drowning in guilt? “The game is over , Yoongi,” he continued. The entire band stopped laughing as they realized Jin wasn’t joking. He wasn’t faking anger, he was radiating it. “What on Earth were you thinking?!”“Jin, calm down,” Yoongi insisted calmly at first. “It was just a joke.”“I’m tired of your jokes lately. You’re always invading my space and I’m sick and tired of it. We’re at work. This is work. Maybe you can take it seriously for once like the rest of us.” Oh god, Jin didn’t even know who was talking. His heart broke the second he saw Yoongi retreat and take a step back, just startled by how loud Jin was being.Yoongi was holding his reaction in. Even Jin could tell Yoongi was mortified, but he was staying very strong as he held his ground now and tried to find words to say to fight back. He couldn’t put any phrase together. His voice cracked a bit as he finally spoke.“You’re all acting so weird,” he said, trying to come off as confrontative but instead showing his hand. He was confused, upset, and scared, and it had been building up all day. He just gave the band, the crew, and Jin the briefest of glances as if trying to move his eyes fast enough that he could hold back his hurt. They could all hear the question in his tone. What did I do? “I’m just- I’m sorry. I don’t-” he said in a rushed, heartbroken whisper, just voicing the next thought on his mind. Yoongi wasn’t going to cry, he’d learned how to hold back when reacting to his anxiety, but he was about to have a breakdown and he could feel the timer ticking.He needed to get out of there, he was running out of time.Without finishing his thought, he clamped his mouth shut and tried to make his way out the door, still walking because he didn’t want them to know just how upset he was. The band barely had time to react, so no one could follow him fast enough. As soon as he was out the door, Yoongi ran to the staircase and climbed up as many floors as he could with his breaths growing shorter and shorter as he started to hyperventilate.Practically running into the first bathroom on that specific floor, he locked the door behind him and sank down to the ground with his back against the door until he was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his folded legs. He could hear himself struggling to breath but it felt like he was experiencing it all as a third party, watching himself pathetically cower away when he should have stood up for himself.Maybe he wasn’t controlling his anxiety the way he had hoped. Or maybe this initiative was finally getting to him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

As if their ability to move had been restored at the same time, the boys rushed out the door seconds after Yoongi disappeared.Jungkook just ran out at top speed as if the room was on fire, not saying a word about where he was going. He just took off in the direction they saw Yoongi go, towards the staircase. The other boys gathered in the hall and looked in all different directions as if deciding where to go first. It didn’t take more than a second for them to abandon the idea of moving together. They all had their own reasons to find Yoongi first. Besides, he’d probably only talk to one of them at a time. Whoever found him first would be the ‘lucky’ one.“I’m going to the top floor,” Namjoon said intently, clearly believing he knew a very specific place that Yoongi could be hiding.Tae and Jimin looked at each other, measuring each other up. The distrust was so palpable in their atmosphere that they had no doubt the other could tell they were having problems. Jimin, however, seemed to be the only one of the two that didn’t understand what was wrong. Tae just smiled and reached out a hand.“No use in splitting up,” Tae said. “I think he’ll talk to us if we find him first.” Jimin nodded and took his hand as just a sign that they’d stick together on this.“We’ll be able to clear the halls faster if we work together,” he added. “Let’s start on the ground floor.” Jimin turned back to Hoseok and Jin. “We’ll take downstairs.”“That leaves this floor and the third floor,” Hoseok said, basically talking to himself as he got ready to set off. He barely got two feet away before Jin piped up with a comment.“We forgot the basement. I can take care of it though,” Jin suggested hesitantly, unsure of whether he should be participating or not. Maybe Yoongi wouldn’t want to see him, even if he tried to apologize. Confirming his thoughts, Hoseok clenched his jaw before turning to him with an icy glare.“Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” Hoseok bit back. Jin was silent. Hobi turned his back to Jin again and then started walking down the hall to look for his best friend. “I’ll take the basement. You get back to work since that’s so important to you.”Unapologetic for his harsh words, Hoseok knew very well that he was really taking out his anger on Jin. While Jin wasn’t the only one causing a problem in the band over Yoongi’s confession, Jin’s outburst really encompassed all of Hoseok’s fears that he had when he decided he’d never come out to the band. Back then, when he was considering it, part of him wanted to be optimistic and believe the band wouldn’t treat him any differently if they found out that he was gay. Jin was certainly proving him right to have doubted them in the first place. If this was how they were now, more than 5 years after their debut, about Yoongi’s bisexuality then he could only imagine how they would have reacted to Hoseok’s own confession years ago.As depressing as it was to know that he couldn’t count on his friends the way he wished he could, knowing his best friend needed him was enough motivation to keep him fighting. After all, Yoongi was incidentally the reason he had decided not to come out to the band in the first place. Keeping Yoongi from finding out he was gay was just one more layer of protection to keep Yoongi from finding out that he had been Hoseok’s first love years ago.Little did Hoseok know at that time that keeping that secret may have saved him from a lot of heartbreak at these boys’ hands.Jimin and Tae did a good job of clearing hallway by hallway, each taking one side and checking inside rooms while desperately keeping up with each other in case their counterpart found Yoongi first.“About Yoongi,” Jimin started, biting his bottom lip to cut himself off as they walked down a long, narrow hall without doors. They were trying not to run but the impulse was so strong. “If we find him, do you think I can just handle it from there?”Tae stopped walking. “Excuse me?”“This could be really good for us, if he and I talk alone.” Tae just stared at him, incredulous that by the look on Jimin’s face, he didn’t seem to understand what was so unreasonable about this request.“Yoongi is probably having a breakdown right now,” Tae stated the unspoken understanding all of the boys had after Yoongi ran out. They knew about his anxiety, and they knew about his past. They also knew his triggers and how he’d relapse from time to time. It was a part of being ready to take care of Yoongi if he ever needed their support.“He needs someone he trusts. Exactly.”Tae’s eyes widened. “What are you suggesting? That you think we’re not close?”“That’s not what I mean. He and I are just different.”Tae could only walk forward a few more steps before freezing again just from being so baffled at this exchange. “Jimin, you don’t just get to ask stuff like that.”“What?”“Yoongi is my friend too and I’m worried about him. I want to see if he’s alright.”“Don’t you trust me to make sure of that?” Jimin asked.“That’s not the point. There are boundaries.”“I don’t understand what’s so difficult about just giving us a moment.”“We need to talk about ground rules later. Being interested in Yoongi doesn’t give you the right to talk to me like that. And not to the others either. Yoongi’s hurt and whoever finds him needs to fix this.” Tae could tell Jimin wasn’t accepting his words, but Jimin didn’t protest aloud. They both continued their search, a tense silence taking over as they didn’t exchange any more words. Tae had to hold back the last few words he wanted to say.This isn’t about you or your feelings. Finding the top floor’s bathroom, one of the only structures that remained the same through the many renovations the building had undergone, Namjoon’s mind was flooded with memories of all the time he’d spent here. He was right to think he could find Yoongi here. He could clearly hear him panicking inside the small restroom. Imagining the tearless sobs vividly, he knew enough about Yoongi’s breakdowns that he could list the symptoms….and luckily he knew all the cures too.Knocking carefully, he prompted Yoongi to open the door. “Open up, it’s the police,” Namjoon joked to lighten Yoongi’s mood. Yoongi couldn’t stand for things to be too serious when he was heartbroken. Namjoon knew him well enough to know that would always fundamentally be true, regardless of the circumstances. He heard a groan from inside.“I’m here for a report on trespassing. Min Yoongi, you’re taking up my space. I’m parked here, remember?” This bathroom was all too familiar a spot for him and Yoongi. It was where Yoongi would bring Namjoon to let out all the heartbreak from a sour relationship before helping him disguise all that pain and hide it behind a charmer’s smile and a leader’s confidence for the team’s sake. “This is my spot to cower and cry and I’m not letting you take it from me.”Namjoon heard a hiccup and then a little chuckle that made him sigh out in relief. He assured himself now that Yoongi would be okay. That this would be fixable. Namjoon could remember sitting on this specific restroom’s floor after he broke up with Mi-Sha, his head on Yoongi’s shoulder as he tried to pull himself together. He never told Yoongi what went wrong, but he could tell Yoongi knew his secret. As he waited for Yoongi to open the door, he could help but recall Mi-Sha’s words about Namjoon’s friendship with Yoongi. 
Mi-Sha was probably still the most beautiful woman that had ever caught Namjoon’s attention. Smart and intuitive, Namjoon never thought his interest in intelligent women would ever come back to bite him. He wasn’t careful enough at the time, as evidenced by the way he couldn’t even help being suspicious when he saw her texting on her phone the way she was doing now.

She had a mischievous smile on her face, the one she usually had when they were flirting or when she wanted something. He loved that smile because it always felt reserved for him, but lately from what he could tell, she’d been very similarly entertained by a certain chat.

Namjoon was so completely wrapped around this girl’s finger that he couldn’t even confront her in any significant way, so it took him weeks to say anything about it. It was so rare nowadays that he’d ever talk to her face-to-face without the phone between them. For someone who demanded so much of his time, Mi-Cha never really used their time wisely. These visits were almost never about being with him anymore.

“Who are you talking to?” he asked, trying his best to sound only mildly curious. She rolled her eyes.

“Not this again,” she groaned as if this suspicion was habit for Namjoon. It was only the first time he’d asked about her text conversations but her tone and behavior made him feel as guilty as he would if this was something he hounded her on constantly. It made him feel the need to retreat.

“It’s just a question. I was trying to make conversation.”

“Are you ever going to let it go? It was one time and now every time I’m on the phone, you think I’m talking to some guy.”

“I didn’t say that.” He was so lost but she was so good at using confusion to make him feel like he was in the wrong for the misunderstanding.
“I don’t get suspicious of you and your friends.”
“I don’t really have female friends,” Namjoon pointed out. She looked at him like he was ignoring some fact fundamentally basic to the conversation. “Oh, please, don’t start that again.” He couldn’t have another conversation about Yoongi with her. They were barely talking as it was. Namjoon had wrecked their connection with his accusations against Yoongi, burning their bridges by confronting him about how Yoongi had lost his trust. He could only do so much more to put a wedge between them without completely incinerating that friendship. Yet he resented so much that the topic of Yoongi was a constant point of tension in his relationship.

“It takes a special kind of friend to try to break up your relationship.”

“He just decided to stop covering up for us. That’s different.”

“Look, I’m not saying I don’t trust you. It’s him I don’t trust. He’s clearly very attached to you, but I trust you enough to know that you’re not going to let that sway you. Why can’t you trust me?”

“It’s different.”

“How?”

“Because you’re wrong. He’s even dealing with some kind of break up or something right now.”

“Is that what he told you?”

“He’s getting over some friend of his whom he had to break up with or something.”

“I thought he wasn’t dating?”
“Well, he didn’t say break up. He said ‘let go’. He said it was some friend that he had to let go.”   “That doesn’t sound suspicious at all.”   “Your argument doesn’t even make any sense. Yoongi isn’t even interested in men.”  
“If you say so,” she said with a hum. Namjoon felt like disappearing. “I don’t know about you, but he doesn’t exactly strike me as a normal man.”

It took everything to keep Namjoon from fighting her for contrasting ‘gay’ against ‘normal’. He knew picking a fight would get him nowhere. She wasn’t going to change, not even if it was only to keep from upsetting him. She’d probably just accuse him of ‘caring a little too much’ about the issue.

Namjoon had a headache now. Closing his eyes and trying to relax, he finally stood up. “I need to go for a walk.”

“While I’m here?”

“Well, we’re not exactly doing anything right now. You just go ahead and keep texting.”

“Sure. You say hi to Yoongi for me when you go on one of your little romantic midnight walks.”

Namjoon nodded at her phone. “Yeah, just as soon as you text your ex that I said hi.”

It was that night that he’d finally had it and broke things off with Mi-Sha. Being the one to end things didn’t make it any less heartbreaking when Mi-Sha used every trick in the book to keep Namjoon from leaving, reminding him of their history and reminding him that she was his first love.

A dear friend that he had to let go.
The line about Yoongi’s first love rang in his ears over and over. The leader was so stuck in his memory that he startled when Yoongi finally opened the door.Namjoon saw Yoongi’s state after panic attacks so often that it wasn’t even something Yoongi could be self conscious about. Immediately pulling the smaller man into a hug, Namjoon insisted on comforting Yoongi whether or not he thought he needed it. It was what Yoongi had done once for him, so it was what Namjoon intended to do in return whenever his hyung needed it.Taking his friend’s shaky hand, Namjoon held Yoongi’s hand in his, willing him to calm down as they both sat on the floor like they used to when Namjoon was the one who needed the comfort.“Hey, it’s okay.”“I’m fine,” Yoongi lied.“It’s okay not to be fine. That was a little scary for everyone.”Yoongi shakily nodded his head. He forgot how bad his anxiety could get. He shuddered, struggling from not allowing himself to cry. Depriving himself of the relief that tears could provide only seemed to be making him feel worse.“If you want to get upset, you can,” Namjoon said, seemingly reading his mind.“I don’t want to.”“That’s okay too.” They sat there in a comfortable silence, legs crossed as they faced each other. Namjoon took Yoongi’s hands in both of his. It kept Yoongi’s mood stable in an odd way. It made him feel like he had a goal to distract himself with, a goal to make his hands as steady as Namjoon’s.And Yoongi wasn’t going to lie, he just liked having his hands held. Namjoon’s were slightly bigger than his and they were warm, contrasting the chill that the cold floor was sending through Yoongi’s body. This was a bit more intimate than Yoongi was used to, knowing Namjoon wasn’t someone who was quick to showing affection for his friends.The way Namjoon didn’t even seem to think their gesture was weird was really heartwarming to Yoongi. The band leader just seemed to accept this was something he needed to do to help a friend, and he did it with seemingly no regrets.Strangely enough, Namjoon started running his thumbs across the back of Yoongi’s hands to comfort him.“Shaking like a leaf,” Namjoon mumbled the observation in a worried tone.“I always do.”“I know. I just don’t know how you do it.”“Do what?”“Hold yourself together like this. Keep it all in. Adjust.” Namjoon didn’t mean to sound so serious. He backtracked, wanting to keep things light so that Yoongi could recover from his scare. “You really are stronger than you look.”“Are you really making jabs at my height right now?” Yoongi whined, his expression arranged to show off his signature pout. “Worst leader ever.”Namjoon didn’t mean to overthink Yoongi’s joke but it crossed his mind that Yoongi wasn’t wrong. He’d failed terribly today in particular. “I should have stopped Jin,” he said, finally voicing his thoughts as he stared down at their hands.Yoongi squeezed Namjoon’s hands, making the younger man look up at him. “Don’t say silly things.”“It was my job to speak up-”“I am a grown man who is more than capable of taking care of himself. It was on me to say something.”“No, you’re a scraggly senior who needs protecting,” Namjoon teased back. Yoongi didn’t even try to disagree or defend himself. He always felt like a grandfather around the rest of the band.“Fair point.” A long silence hit, lasting a few minutes before Yoongi interrupted it. “Is he right? Am I not taking this seriously enough? Am I making everyone uncomfortable? I don’t even know what I did last night to set everyone off but-” Namjoon just cut him off before he could get himself worked up again.“Jin was wrong to say the things he did. That’s all there is to it. He’s been on edge all day and I think you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You saw it yourself, we all thought he was fine before he exploded.”“Before I made him explode,” Yoongi corrected him. He finally backed up to press his back against the bathroom wall, wanting something to lean on. Namjoon followed his lead. Yoongi took that as a cue to use his friend as a pillow, putting his head on Namjoon’s shoulder.“That’s not fair. You did not make him explode,” Namjoon answered back. “Hey, I mean it. As my friend, you can pinch my butt any time and I won’t yell at you.”“I really don’t know what I was thinking. I’m never pinching a butt again,” Yoongi joked into Namjoon’s shoulder.Jungkook had walked in just in time to hear Yoongi’s last sentence. Both surprised that he’d actually found Yoongi and confused at Yoongi’s words, Jungkook could only stand there and blink at the two of them. Namjoon and Yoongi couldn’t help laughing over the series of events.“Today’s just been that kind of day,” Namjoon mused, wiping a tear from his eye when he stopped laughing after noticing Jungkook’s genuine confusion. Yoongi finally lifted his head off Namjoon’s shoulder. He was surprised the band leader hadn’t shaken him off the moment Jungkook arrived, but he appreciated it. “I should go tell the others I found you,” he said, clearly regretting that he’d have to leave. “They’ll be worried. You, however, take all the time you need today, okay?”“Mmm,” Yoongi hummed back quietly, too tired to argue.“Hey, Jungkook’s hands aren’t that sweaty so maybe they can pick up the next shift.” Jungkook hadn’t stopped being confused since the moment he’d walked in on this conversation.“I what?”Without much more explanation, Namjoon left Jungkook to tend to Yoongi. After just seconds of them being alone, Yoongi finally looked up at Jungkook when he noticed he still hadn’t sat down. The maknae’s eyes seemed to be welling up.“Please don’t- Whatever it is, it’s okay, Jungkook.” Carefully, Jungkook kneeled in front of Yoongi and lowered his head as far as it could go. The pose expressed one sentiment: regret. Yoongi put a hand on his shoulder, willing him to move and stop what he was doing. Jungkook didn’t budge on the gesture. He was trying to show Yoongi the utmost respect and didn’t even meet his eyes.“I’m sorry,” he started, his voice failing while struggling to find a stable volume when he couldn’t decide on how low to whisper. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” Up until now, Jungkook’s pace had been measured. As Yoongi could hear his breaths shorten and his face twist up, the maknae practically started babbling. “I don’t want you to stay away and I don’t want to push you away. I do need you, hyung. The truth is I’m still tired all the time and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so sorry for lying to you. I was wrong and I’m just so, so-”“Jungkook, how long did you sleep last night?” Yoongi asked, cutting him off.He didn’t meet his eyes. “I didn’t.”“At all? Not even a little bit?” Jungkook didn’t answer. “How many days has it been since you last slept?”Jungkook didn’t mean to scare Yoongi, but he almost genuinely couldn’t remember the answer to his question. “When’s the last time I came to your room?” Yoongi hated that reply.“Three days, Jungkook?” he asked incredulously.Jungkook couldn’t afford to be worried about himself right now. He shrunk in posture, feeling smaller now that Yoongi seemed angry. “Please say you’ll forgive me, hyung.”Almost unable to help himself, Yoongi put a finger under Jungkook’s chin to force him to look him in the eyes. Suddenly, he could see the faint hint of blue and purple under Jungkook’s eyes. It was hidden behind a thin layer of concealer. He realized Jungkook had actually begun elaborately hiding his symptoms from everyone. That was too scary to think about.“I just need you to calm down,” Yoongi said. Forgetting his own pain for a minute, he could tell Jungkook felt guilty about how the subject had changed to his own issues.“This isn’t about me, hyung. Are you okay?”“My dongsaeng is hurting, how can I be okay?” Yoongi said, realizing his hand was still under Jungkook’s chin. He gently pulled away before offering Jungkook a little smile to encourage him to brighten up. It was so good to know they’d be okay again. As Jungkook tried to speak again, Yoongi shushed him and pulled him into a hug before ruffling his hair.The group chat that Namjoon just created to exclude Yoongi was filled with expressions of relief as Namjoon announced he’d found Yoongi. Calling for them to meet him in another room, he waited patiently for the others to arrive only to be greeted by Hoseok and Jin during their separate arrivals.“Where are Jimin and Tae?” he asked when minutes had passed and the maknaes never came. Hoseok shrugged. Jin seemed to assume it wasn’t his place to say or even answer anything at all. Namjoon almost felt like making him stick to that sentiment. While everyone was clearly furious with Jin, there was only so much they could do and Namjoon knew it. Jin was the oldest and they all had to respect that no matter how stupid he’d just been. Treading carefully, he decided to patiently wait for the others to come. It wasn’t like Jin and Hoseok had anywhere else to go now that this event had disrupted their entire day. He turned to Jin when Hoseok excused himself from the room for a moment.“We’re not talking about this today, but we are going to talk about this,” he told him quietly, trying his best to keep his tone respectful but firm. Jin just nodded, seeming to understand the gravity of the situation. He hadn’t said a word since he’d shown up and Namjoon wasn’t sure whether he preferred it that way or whether he wanted to demand an explanation.“H-How bad was he when you found him?” Jin asked hesitantly, having to clear his throat just to get the words out.“Bad,” Namjoon said, not sure if Yoongi would be comfortable with him sharing more. He was at least comforted by the fact that Jin was seeming to regret what had occured. He even seemed to have calmed down. That made things easier.Not taking Namjoon’s cue to stop searching, Tae and Jimin were suspicious that their counterpart wouldn’t stop searching even if they claimed to be following Namjoon’s orders. They both wanted to find Yoongi themselves even though Namjoon assured them that he was okay.They weren’t willing to admit they wanted to find Yoongi on their own, so they stuck together to hide their intentions from each other. They claimed the tactic was more about teamwork but really it just meant they could keep tabs on each other.Things were still tense ever since Tae laid down the first of his ‘ground rules’ for Jimin. Tae almost  wanted  to be confronted just so he could call Jimin out on the inappropriate nature of his previous request. It stuck in his mind that Jimin was really willing to keep Tae from talking to Yoongi for the sake of indulging a crush.Pushing into a bathroom on the top floor, they caught the door just in time to keep it from hitting Jungkook and Yoongi. The first thing they noticed was the way Jungkook was clinging to Yoongi and how Yoongi had Jungkook tucked into him like they were matching pieces of a puzzle. It was just  too  cozy.Yoongi felt he had to understand when Jungkook pulled away from him suddenly to act natural in front of the other young members of the band. In Yoongi’s mind, there was no risk the boys would assign labels to what was going on with him and Jungkook, but he knew they’d just get suspicious about Jungkook’s state of health lately if they saw Jungkook cling so desperately to Yoongi for help. They couldn’t be so obvious. For some reason, Yoongi could tell by Jimin’s face that he was reading into this. If that was jealousy he was seeing, it was scary enough that Yoongi could feel himself recoiling from all of the thoughts he’d been having about the younger man. In that moment, he didn’t even want Jimin to comfort him like he otherwise would have desired. That disdain for his and Jungkook’s affection made him tense, like he should be considering what he had to lose if Jimin was a jealous type.And Tae…..well, Tae just looked off. His expression practically screamed  ‘of course’  like this was confirming something. All Yoongi could think that meant was that Tae was already suspicious about Jungkook’s health. Otherwise, there had to be something else going through his mind because Tae didn’t have a reason to be jealous the way Jimin secretly did.It hit Yoongi right then.The others had accused him of choosing everyone else over Tae. And here he was clinging to Jungkook in a moment of need after just having pushed Tae out of the livestream room by being so attentive to Jimin’s needs instead of his.Was Tae upset Jungkook got their first?While that was the only theory that made sense to Yoongi, he still couldn’t fully understand it. He had to think maybe Tae was taking this as an indication that he and Jungkook were close in a way that he wasn’t with Tae.It hurt Yoongi’s heart to realize that wasn’t entirely untrue. He knew Jungkook better and had been through so much with him that inherently he was just closer to him than he was to Tae.Yoongi was just so bad at trying not to upset Tae.The two other maknaes just shut the door as they awkwardly left without saying a single word. They both looked miffed.“Do you think-“ Jungkook was already building up stress about whether or not they had figured out his secret.“They’re just leaving because someone’s already with me,” Yoongi lied. There was no need to tell Jungkook what he thought was really running through their heads. He pulled Jungkook by his waist to pull the maknae closer until he was flush against him. The taller man’s head was just low enough from his lean that Yoongi could tuck Jungkook’s head under his chin. He could feel the maknae’s shaky, uneven breath tickle his skin. He really really hated himself for how good that felt but he tried to pin it on how frustrated he was lately.It’d been a few days since he and Jungkook were like this. He told himself that perhaps he just wasn’t used to it again yet. They stayed like that, with Yoongi locking the door now to avoid more surprises. He could tell after a while that Jungkook was being lulled into a more relaxed state now that they were linked together.As if Yoongi couldn’t even help himself, he kissed the younger man on the top of his head gently before he stirred him awake with a light shake of his shoulder. “Jungkook-ah,” he whispered. “Want to go home and take a nap? I can’t get any more work done today.”“I should go to practice,” Jungkook said in so sleepy a tone that Yoongi realized he might have actually fallen asleep for a moment there.Now Yoongi had to insist.“No, we’re going to bed. Come on.”Jimin and Tae both stewed from their separate internal conflicts. As they finally followed Namjoon’s instructions and reported to the right room, they had both managed to avoid talking to each other at all about what they’d walked in on. “Finally!” Namjoon announced as they entered. They both tried not to snarl. “I just got a text from Yoongi that Jungkook is going to be taking him home, so it looks like he’ll be fine for tonight. I think the best thing for us all to do is get back to work and not scare Yoongi by making a big deal out of things.” Namjoon did his best not to pointedly stare at Jin.Just as they all started to part their separate ways, Namjoon stopped them.“Wait,” he said suddenly. They all turned. Namjoon considered something that silenced him for many seconds before he finally decided to come out with it. “Our plan isn’t working. Not telling him what happened just isn’t working.”“I could have told you that it wouldn’t work the moment we started this plan,” Tae noted, still irritated.Namjoon gave him a silencing look before continuing. “Let’s meet later today at the house and talk about what we should do next. I just need time to come up with a better plan.”As the others made their way out, Tae turned back to Namjoon and waited for the others to leave. “You know, there’s always the option of telling the truth. Just a suggestion,” he commented before turning and making his own way out. On their ride home, Jungkook worriedly couldn’t help thinking about how much he loved laying his head on Yoongi’s lap. He loved the attention as Yoongi caressed his cheek with one finger in a way that made Jungkook will himself not to blush. There was no explaining why this felt so natural, but Jungkook could only tell himself that Yoongi meant it in a way that was platonic. It almost came too naturally to him, the habit of excusing every kiss or hug or time they got too comfortable. He had to find ways to lie to himself considering how badly he was living for those moments.Maybe it was a huge lie pretending that any of this meant something for Yoongi, but Jungkook could accept that lying to himself clearly made him a happier man. He leaned into Yoongi’s touch when his hyung began running his hand through his hair. Yoongi knew how to make him relax. At times it excited him too, riled him up, but Jungkook found ways to excuse that too. He’d say it was natural to get excited by certain touches, that it was instinctual to mistake it for romantic affection, that they were just really close and his body was just sending confusing signals.As Jungkook made himself comfortable in Yoongi’s bed when they arrived home, he watched Yoongi pull out a pill bottle from one of his drawers. “When you want to wake up, feel free to just get up,” he said, he shook the bottle to gesture it at Jungkook. “Don’t worry about me. These will knock me out so you won’t wake me up or anything. I’ll be out for hours.”“What is it?”“A safety net.” Yoongi took a pill and dry swallowed it like it was nothing. Jungkook couldn’t help looking worried. “I have to take them when I’m having too much anxiety after a panic attack. It helps calm me down but it also makes me sleep like a rock.”“As long as you’ll feel better,” Jungkook answered cautiously as Yoongi locked the door. Yoongi pulled himself into bed, pulling the covers up over the both of them. Jungkook instantly relaxed upon feeling the familiar arm wrapped around his waist. Before long, Yoongi’s chest was flush against his back and Jungkook was pulled in tight just how he liked it.Admittedly, Jungkook knew he was in love but he wasn’t willing to admit that this connection he had with Yoongi now was about more than just getting some sleep. Though he wouldn’t confess it, he was desperate for Yoongi to keep touching him and making him feel like this. Jungkook would never accept that this was all a part of trying to fool himself into thinking this was anything close to a relationship, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that that was the bare truth.Sure, the nightmares were real and he could barely sleep every night. Still he couldn’t pretend that this wasn’t all a way to shallowly fulfill his desire to be with Yoongi. With all the stress he was going through, relieving the heartache he felt around Yoongi every since they met was something he felt like he deserved as long as he wasn’t hurting anybody.He told himself being here with Yoongi touching him and making him feel calm and safe was enough. If he couldn’t really have Yoongi, this was all he’d let himself want. Was that too much to ask? As he thought back to his trainee years, Jin remembered all he had wanted back then was to fit in among the other trainees. He didn’t even expect to excel, he just wanted to keep up. At first, he thought fitting in would just mean making friends. That was the time in his life when he didn’t care about who was who or how talented they were. He just tried to befriend everyone and it worked for him for a time.That was how he met Yoongi and Namjoon. They were nice to him from the very beginning, giving him the welcoming speech and routine they gave all the newbies. Sure, Yoongi always seemed particularly starry-eyed around him but Jin just assumed he liked new friends.Then Jin let his perspective get warped. Some aggressive trainees took him under their wing and tried to teach him ‘the ways of the business’. They painted people like Yoongi and Namjoon like the enemy, boys who were practically guaranteed spots in the final lineup. They were going to get everything handed to them because the company loved them, while the new recruits like Jin would be out here risking it all.At least, that’s how these trainees would put it.Not only did Jin forcefully alienate the two rappers over this narrative, but he began intimidating the newer trainees. This was part of why Jin considered himself as a bully for a short period of his life. He was occasionally unkind to the young trainees, always worried that someone would come along and threaten his place.Yoongi, always the defender of the younger trainees, wasn’t tolerating that kind of behavior. Sure, he seemed pissed when Jin started acting like a jerk to him, but he was livid when he heard the behavior was affecting the other trainees. Yoongi had been intent on insisting to Jin that he was probably a better person than this and that it ‘wasn’t too late to stop being a tool’.Eventually Yoongi drilled it into his head enough times that Jin grew fond of his stubbornness. He’d never seen anyone have so much faith in his innate kindness, but it made him reconsider his relationship with Yoongi. He wanted a friend like that around more than anything.Things really changed from then on, even though Jin never felt like he had any security. At the very least, he found a family in the trainees and he liked to think that was what prepared him for the family he had now: these six lovable assholes he called his bandmates.Jin reflected on these events pretty often.However, today, there were a few memories that particularly kept replaying: The strange moments where he caught Yoongi staring for too long, giving him once overs when he passed, sometimes giving him entirely too much attention for someone he supposedly couldn’t stand. The way Yoongi used to ‘nope’ his way out of conversations about Jin’s looks and would only mention that Jin was handsome in the most embarrassing or random situations.Jin even remembered the way his little chats with Yoongi once they were getting along better would turn into flirty exchanges that would take Jin a while to pull back from once he realized how compromising the conversations were starting to get. Was that actually flirting? Was he not seeing things?Yoongi had always taken too much of an interest in him before they even became friends. That wasn’t the kind of attention you’d devote to just anyone. Yoongi had been so specifically interested in him at the time that to this day Jin had always wondered what that was about. Did Yoongi have a little crush on the new kid back then?   Jin was at least happy to say he’d snapped out of whatever irrational fear was plaguing him. The idea of Yoongi ever having had a crush on him was cute rather than scary. Jin was even happier he wasn’t being delusional enough to think that crush was still ongoing. He and Yoongi were eternal roommates now. Jin was too mature now to be so assumptive.Honestly, he was a little honored that Yoongi might have ever been attracted to him. Yoongi so often complained about his good looks, Jin enjoyed reimagining those snarky remarks under the context of Yoongi having had a crush on him once in the past. That was a comforting thought right until he remembered how terribly he’d treated Yoongi earlier in the day.Namjoon finally came home that evening and stayed in the kitchen with Jin, expecting that the rest of their bandmates would catch the hint and join them. Eventually, they did. Jin sipped at some tea as the group gathered in a huddle while sitting on the couch.“Where’s Yoongi?” Namjoon asked.“He’s not home, I think,” Jimin answered. “His room lights are off and it’s too early for him to be asleep.”“And Jungkook? We need him here.”“I’ve tried calling him. Nothing, no answer,” Tae explained. Sighing out, Namjoon tried to let the inconveniences go in order to stay focused. Tae tried calling one more time as Namjoon began.“Like I said, I think our old plan isn’t working-”“He picked up,” Tae announced quietly, not meaning to interrupt. Holding the phone up to his ear, Tae tried to get Jungkook to speak to him but wasn’t having any luck. Suddenly, a very sleepy Jungkook emerged out of Yoongi’s bedroom with his phone to his ear, only to be surprised when the entire band was staring down the hallway seeing him leaving that room. “We were looking for you,” Tae complained.“Why were you in Yoongi’s room?” Jimin asked, as if that was the more important question. The tone Jimin used reminded Jungkook of how hurt Jimin looked when he’d caught Yoongi and Jungkook talking in the bathroom.“Ah- He was having some trouble sleeping. He wanted someone to talk to,” Jungkook lied smoothly, his brain working a lot quicker now that he was well rested.“So he’s home?” Namjoon asked, startled.“We can still talk,” Jungkook explained, feeling very in-tune with the conversation for the first time in days. He’d finally had some good rest and it’d made all the difference for his ability to focus. “Yoongi took some medication to help him sleep. He said he’ll be knocked out for hours.”“Medication?” Tae asked, feeling a little silly that he didn’t know anything about Yoongi’s medical details. He definitely knew that kind of information about all his other bandmates.“Anxiety stuff,” Jungkook answered, knowing that was generally common knowledge for the band. Well, for everyone in the band except Tae. Now Tae really felt like crap. He should have known that Yoongi was still getting treatment.Jin, however, took that information hit pretty hard. He’d done that. He made Yoongi need that support. And if Jin hadn’t realized that on his own, then Jungkook’s glare in his direction would have made that abundantly clear.The maknaes all exchanged awkward looks as Jungkook recalled how weird Tae and Jimin acted upon finding him in the bathroom with Yoongi.“Truth be told, guys,” Namjoon continued, trying to stay on topic. “I don’t have a new plan. Yoongi is going to want to know what happened.” Tae was surprised. “Does that mean we’re finally just going to tell him the truth?”“That’s worse,” Hoseok argued. “You’ve all effectively made that the worst possible thing to do.”Having taken on a new attitude about the whole issue, Jin felt like he should be given a chance to contribute.“I might have an idea,” he started. Everyone looked uninterested.“You’re why we’re in this mess,” Jimin pointed out as if he couldn’t help himself. Jin ignored how hurtful that was to hear from a dongsaeng. It felt just a little rude but he knew that he was trying to progress from particularly archaic ways of thinking right now, so holding the ‘I’m older than you so respect me’ excuse over their heads would not help him get everyone where they needed to be.“Then you should let me clean up my own mess,” Jin answered patiently. They all waited for him to continue. “So I was thinking about it and...this whole gay thing is actually pretty cool. We don’t know anyone gay, not really, not anyone who is out anyway. So this is new, but it could also be fun.” Hobi, Jungkook, and Jimin were various levels of tense. Tae accidentally noticed that Jungkook looked as uncomfortable as Jimin did after that comment from Jin.Interesting. “What?” Hoseok asked, trying to understand where Jin was going with this.“Think about it, we finally know someone who knows what women want.” Namjoon’s head fell into his hands as he shook his head, disappointed in how little Jin seemed to know. That assumption alone was already ten levels of problematic, but Namjoon didn’t know how to begin explaining. Meanwhile, Jin was on fire, excited by his own ideas as he continued. “And I realized what the very best part is!”“Oh?” Namjoon asked, his face nearly buried in his hands. This was a disaster.“He knows who the most attractive person in this group is.”“What? ” Hoseok snapped, starting to reach his limit in tolerating Jin’s well-meaning but ultimately upsetting words.“Out of all of us, Yoongi is the one who can make the call as to who the most attractive member is. It’s genius!” Hoseok tried to find some patience by reminding himself that Jin meant well with this.“Jin, that is not how it works-” Namjoon started, ready to spell things out for him.“No, no! Just hear me out. Let me try and put a good spin on this, please.”“Why does it need a good spin?” Hoseok asked, trying not to roll his eyes.“Let me take baby steps here, Hobi,” Jin requested. “I’m doing my best.”“This entire thing is weird,” Namjoon pointed out quietly. “What’s the point?”“I think it’d be fun if we all tried to get Yoongi to pick which of us is the most attractive of the group.”“He’ll just say Hobi,” Jungkook pointed out. Hobi jabbed his arm. “Ow! I’m not saying you don’t deserve it, I’m just saying that’s what he’ll do just to get us to shut up.”“Which is why he can’t know we’re asking,” Jin said, giving it some thought. “We have to get him to choose us, but we’d have to get the chance to really impress him. And he’d have to actually be attracted to us so that kind of doesn’t work.” He was stumped. “There’s still a way this can work, I’m sure of it.”“Like we try to see which of us can kiss Yoongi first or something?” Tae asked, thinking that that was where Jin was going with this. He already hated this idea. However, that thought hadn’t even occurred to Jin.“Genius! I love that,” Jin said, pointing to Tae and looking around for approval. Tae wished he’d never said anything. The other boys rolled their eyes.“No,” they all echoed each others’ refusals with unnecessary exclamations to reinforce how much they hated this idea. It was Jin’s turn to roll his eyes.“Look, he’s going to get more suspicious about our night out if we don’t distract him.”“So you’re proposing we distract him by flirting with him?” Namjoon clarified.“Isn’t that what he’s been doing half the time for the past month? Clearly, it works on everyone.” Hoseok felt a little personally attacked at that comment, knowing Yoongi’s charm had particularly been working magic on his mood the past few days.“Besides, we all owe Yoongi more than we give him credit for. He’s spent all month trying to keep us all from falling apart and it’s not as if he doesn’t also have his own things to worry about.” For someone who’d just yelled at Yoongi for not taking his work seriously, Jin seemed to be fully aware of just how much Yoongi had been working.“Isn’t this just a little too weird?” Tae asked.“If he thinks we’re being weird, that’s fine. At least it’s a different kind of weird than we have been today.”“How is this weird any better? It sounds almost like harassment to me,” Namjoon noted carefully.“Are you asking if it’s better than him thinking we’re hiding something? If so, the answer is yes. Besides, flirting means nothing and a kiss is just a kiss. It doesn’t mean anything. No harm done to anyone.”“You freaked out because Yoongi pinched your butt, but now you’re proposing that you’d be willing to kiss him to win a competition?” Tae asked doubtfully.“It’s called character development, Tae. I’ve grown.”“It’s only been six hours.”“I’m trying to find a solution here. If any of you disagree, then please go ahead and tell us your own brilliant plan to get us out of this mess.”“Here’s one: we tell the truth,” Tae proposed again.“And what? Admit we all got super problematic just because we found out he’s gay?”“Bisexual,” Hobi corrected.“Again, baby steps,” Jin reminded him that he’d asked for patience.“You’re the one who had a problem,” Jimin pointed out.“Sure, because Jungkook didn’t hide from Yoongi for hours. And Tae didn’t actively pretend he wasn’t speaking to him all morning. Namjoon, you’ve even been acting testy all day. Jimin, you’ve been generally acting weird. And Hobi, I think your pissy mood today was making him more worried. I’m not the only one with a problem here.”“So what are you saying?” Namjoon asked.“This could be good for us. We’ll all get comfortable with Yoongi again, and he’ll forget all about the stupid party. The less he wants to ask questions, the better. Then we’ll all go back to normal.”Everyone seemed to be on the same page of hating this idea but begrudgingly agreeing with the reasoning behind it. They really didn’t seem to have another choice. Jimin secretly had to admit he loved this plan. It worked as an excuse to flirt with Yoongi without having to worry about getting caught. Even Jungkook had to accept that this would work for him because it’d help cover up his secret. And Tae.....Well, Tae just wanted an excuse to steal Yoongi’s attention from the other maknaes in general. He wanted to prove a point. If anyone knew how to play the flirting game, it was him. Jimin and Jungkook weren’t the type to go after what they wanted. Tae, however, was not afraid to fight when he really wanted something.In a vote, it was four against two, with Hoseok and Namjoon being the only ones against the idea.“What do we get if we win?” Tae asked.“Then you’ve kissed Min Yoongi, what else do you need?” Most of them rolled their eyes at Jin or scoffed. “Fine. Whoever wins can have my room,” he pitched finally. They were all shocked. Jin’s room was the only one with a walk-in closet and a private bathroom.“Deal,” Jimin answered immediately, with Jungkook and Tae nodding in agreement from beside him.“Why would you give up your room?” Hoseok asked.“There’s no doubt in my mind about whether I’m going to win.” Jin shrugged. “And besides this whole thing is on me right now. If this fixes things, then it’s worth it.”“What if he doesn’t kiss any of us?” Jungkook asked nervously.“Like I said, I have no doubts,” Jin answered before winking at the maknae and getting up from his seat. With an excited cheer, he excused himself and went to his room, leaving five very confused boys wondering how they'd gotten themselves into this mess. 
End of Chapter 1

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was getting harder to tell when he was dreaming, so Yoongi could hardly wake himself up from dreams like these. The last indicators left to show him that these were all in his head were too subtle to help him wake himself up. The two common threads between all the dreams was that he was always on top, which didn’t necessarily speak to his tastes as a switch, and that he’d never get self-conscious about the band hearing what he was up to.

Otherwise, these dreams about sleeping with one of his bandmates were just getting more and more realistic. And for the first time since they started up again, it was about someone other than Jimin.

He could hear him so clearly, feel everything just the way he’d imagine it’d feel. Whether he woke up with any physical signs that could expose what he dreamt of or not, these dreams always made their mark on his psyche for the day. These dreams made his attraction to people feel like it would get much more harmful the longer he let it go on.

In the dreams, however, he could regret very little. Today, Jungkook’s familiar airy voice was being put to good use as Yoongi had his way with him. Every sound came in a pleasant and high pitch that showed just how desperate the younger man was getting as he neared his climax.

“You sound so pretty, baby,” he consoled the whiny maknae as he slowed his pace. Jungkook was too close to finishing and Yoongi wasn’t done with him. “You’re doing so good at holding on for me."

“Hyung, please just let me-” Jungkook buried his face back in his pillow as he tried to stifle a moan. Yoongi just chuckled at his plea. If Jungkook decided to ignore his request, Yoongi was prepared to overstimulate the younger man if he had to, teach him what it was like when someone pushed his limits. It’d be the least he could teach Jungkook if the maknae couldn’t even properly hold back an orgasm.

“Do what you want, but I won’t stop even if you finish,” Yoongi warned, the threat feeling like a familiar exchange between them. Jungkook couldn’t even seem to decide whether he was more intimidated or enticed by Yoongi’s threat.

That little tinge of innocent curiosity in Jungkook’s eyes was enough to make Yoongi lose patience. He couldn’t help himself. Wrapping a hand around Jungkook’s length, he planned to gently tempt Jungkook to release. He knew it wouldn’t take much.

“Hyung, you wouldn’t!” Yoongi knew exactly what that line meant. Jungkook only challenged him if he wanted him to follow through on something. Yoongi bit down on Jungkook’s shoulder hard while softly stroking his length, just enough of a tease that he could claim he’d done very little when he knew this would be enough to finish the maknae off. “Wait, you’re going to make me-” Jungkook warned desperately.

Yoongi ignored him and timed his strokes to match his hip's pace. He could practically hear a timer ticking down until Jungkook’s moans turned low and deep. The maknae buried his face in his pillow as he came, forcing Yoongi to let go of his length to pull his head back by his hair.

“I want to hear you,” Yoongi muttered into Jungkook’s ear. He rode through Jungkook’s desperate, shameless orgasm before speeding up even as the maknae tried to come down from his high. Eyes slammed shut, the younger’s whines became unintelligible once he was able to catch his breath. With Yoongi lightly pulling on his hair, Jungkook resisted just enough to make the grip feel harder, more violent. For such a doe-eyed man, the youngest of the boys seemed intrigued with mixing pain with pleasure.

“Hyung,” Jungkook warned as his cries began sounding more like sobs. He seemed like he was lost in a daze from how overstimulated he was. “It’s so much. It’s t-too much.”

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“H-harder,” the maknae finally answered when his whines stopped cutting him off. Smiling to himself, Yoongi reached an arm around under Jungkook and started stroking him again as he obliged to Jungkook’s request. This time he was more interested in getting Jungkook to the edge again quickly, his strokes brutally fast and much more rough than his gentle moves before.
As if taking a page out of Hoseok’s book on how to ruin Yoongi’s life, Tae slowly raised the volume of the speakers in Yoongi’s room as they began to blast out a cheery intro to what sounded like a children’s song.Gently woken up by the sound, the music really kicked up as Yoongi lifted his head off his pillow to see what was going on. Tae waved at him cheerily before starting his little routine. Complete with dramatic hand gestures to match the overture, Tae skipped and danced his way closer to Yoongi. Knowing what was coming, Yoongi pulled the covers over his head as Tae continued singing along with the track.“-Frère Jacques! Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?” Yoongi had no idea what Tae was singing but he had to assume this song was Tae’s way of waking him up.“Go away! I don’t speak French!” Yoongi announced from under his comforter. Tae was quiet just long enough that Yoongi wondered if he’d been scared off. Instead, as the song looped over, Tae sang over the child singers on the track with entirely different lyrics.“Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping, Brother-” Tae was singing to the same tune, just in English words that Yoongi could actually understand. It finally occurred to Yoongi that Tae must have been singing the English version of the same song. “Come on, hyung, you’ve been sleeping for more than 12 hours.”Yoongi’d never wish harm on any of the maknaes but in this moment, perhaps Yoongi willed a very painful paper cut into Tae’s immediate future. Tae started turning up the volume and adding “EY”s and “YUP-YUP”s at the end of each line that made Yoongi cringe at whatever freestyle twist the vocalist was making up.“FINE!” he yelled out from under the blankets. “Stop singing, I’ll get up.”Immediately, Tae paused the music and cheered.“I knew you could do it!” he chimed as Yoongi sat up. With one look, Tae got the signal Yoongi was clearly trying to send: go away . He took the hint and vanished before Yoongi could even stand up. It was like everyone had effectively decided to start their day late. Jin had offered to make breakfast at 10am if they all agreed on Namjoon’s plan not to go in to work early. It was a light protest against working conditions as of late, making one thing clear: the boys weren’t overworking themselves just so that the company could slack off.So despite how much the vocalists thought they needed extra practice today and how much Namjoon and Hoseok knew they really needed to get back to writing, here they were up as late as 9am and unsure of what to do with themselves if they weren’t working. Jungkook was locked away in his room and Jin was still sleeping from what Namjoon could tell when he’d gone to his room. At this rate, they were all just waiting to be fed so that they could run back to work like they were all dying to do.When they decided Yoongi had been asleep for too long, Namjoon and Hoseok sent Tae to wake him up before whispering to each other once it was clear that Jimin wasn’t paying them any attention now that Tae was gone.“We don’t have to be a part of this stupid game,” Namjoon reminded Hoseok when he saw his strained expression.“No, but we need them all to think we are,” Hoseok noted. Considering how well Namjoon was handling this entire ordeal, Hobi felt a little sorry he never confessed his own secret to the band leader. Namjoon would have been good about it, even if his initial reaction to Yoongi hadn’t been that great.At least they agreed on the matter of keeping Yoongi safe.“It can be like any other day for us,” Namjoon proposed. “Where we’re just nice to him because he deserves it. No ulterior motives.”“He won’t know the difference anyway, and that’s what matters,” Hobi agreed, trying to get excited about having a new solution to their problem. They split up once Namjoon saw Jin come down the hallway.“Jin, will you need any help cooking?” Jin said nothing and just started pulling tubberware out of the fridge. It was stocked in a way Namjoon couldn’t believe considering it was the end of the week.“I already did most of the prep work overnight,” he explained finally. Namjoon should have noticed it before but, after taking a good look at him, Namjoon could tell Jin looked exhausted.“And the shopping, clearly,” Namjoon noted, gesturing at the stocked fridge.“Only the finest for my boys.” Jin tried to sound cheery as he said it but it came off as lacking in energy. Upon seeing a few pre-baked pastries in one of the containers, Namjoon was about to ask why Jin was taking a simple breakfast so seriously when he suddenly remembered exactly who he was talking to.Jin conveyed messages with food. Whether it was about showing how much he cares during rough patches or finding a way to celebrate good news, Jin didn’t like to use words when they couldn’t be enough. He’d use cooking.So it only made sense that he’d at least attempt to apologize through his cooking too.As much as Namjoon wanted to stay mad at Jin, he knew that his hyung always meant well and his actions yesterday didn’t speak for who he was as a person. This breakfast alone would say more about who he is than that moment ever could - Jin was a determined pastry-filling, idol-fattening cooking master who would win his way into everyone’s hearts through their stomachs. It’s what he did as a trainee, it’s what he'd probably do his entire life until it stopped working.Namjoon just really hoped today wouldn’t be the day that the tactic stopped working.As Tae returned and rejoined Jimin, he filled him in on what happened. The two shared a laugh over Tae’s choice of a wakeup tactic.“You’re a dead man,” Jimin teased. Tae only smiled as he continued eating his new rabbit food cereal he’d been assigned for breakfast as part of his new diet. The silence between the two friends was hardly long enough for a change of topic to be appropriate, but Jimin sounded like he couldn’t help himself. “Are there any other ground rules you have for me about Yoongi?”“Ground rules?” Tae asked, momentarily forgetful.“For that permit you need me to take out so I can have a crush on somebody.” Jimin hadn’t meant to be snippy, but he could hear it in his tone. He winced. "Sorry."“Jimin.” Tae felt like Jimin had to have some kind of understanding of how unfair he was being. Sighing out, he put his bowl back down. “No, I haven’t thought of anything yet.”“I guess you’ll just have to let me know.”“Why?” Tae asked, assuming this was coming up for a reason.“I’m going to tell him today.” Tae was a little surprised, swallowing the last mouthful of cereal that he was working on. “I don’t know if there are any rules for that...or whatever.” Despite how terrible his attitude was about getting it, Tae could tell now Jimin wasn’t mad. He was looking for attention. Attention that Tae had been refusing to give him ever since he confessed.Tae wasn’t letting Jimin enjoy talking about this crush at all. Even Tae had to agree that that was unfair.“I know it doesn’t seem like it but I do want to support you,” Tae reminded him.Jimin sighed and nodded. “I’m sorry if I upset you yesterday. I know you’re just being a good friend.” Tae certainly didn’t feel like one, not when he couldn’t help himself from asking-“When?”Jimin shrugged. “Sometime today. I’ll ask him when he comes out of his room.”“Why the rush?” Tae asked, unsure of what it was that he himself was trying to avoid here by questioning Jimin.“Well,” Jimin trailed off for a second, looking around the room. It was just them, Jin, Hoseok, and Namjoon in the dining room area. “I mean, you saw him with Jungkook last night.”“Yeah, and all I saw was a clingy maknae,” Tae said finally, not understanding what Jimin was going on about but remembering just how miffed his friend was at the entire scene. Tae had his own reasons for being upset.Jungkook was Yoongi’s favorite and he always would be. He wondered how Jimin was going to put up with that.“I can’t pretend I’m not feeling like there’s something going on there,” Jimin said. Tae realized now what Jimin was getting at. Jimin already wasn’t coping well with Yoongi’s bias to the youngest member of the band.Tae couldn’t help letting that make him very nervous. Trying to find something to do with his mouth so that he wouldn’t be expected to answer, he went back to stuffing his mouth with cereal. Dealing with the grainy taste could only be so unpleasant when the alternative was having to answer to his best friend’s paranoia.Yoongi had one sobering realization hanging over his head as he navigated his room, thinking back to the day before. He didn’t trust anyone today nearly as much as he trusted them when he fell asleep last night. With hindsight, he realized it was just cruel that they were all keeping some unspoken secret from him. Whatever it was, he hoped it was worth it and he wasn’t going to keep hounding them on it. It’d cost him a lot of sanity if he tried. For now, all he could do was ignore them until they all started acting normally around him again. He had to hope that that would convince them to shape up.Running through their names in his head, he felt like there really wasn’t a lack of basis for this decision. After all, Jimin was making him act suspicious. Namjoon was being secretive. Hoseok was being aggressive. Tae was being avoidant. Jungkook nearly had his own breakdown over trying to lie to him.And then there was Jin.Yoongi was not looking forward to dealing with Jin. He was still too emotionally numbed from the amount of sleep he'd just had and the lingering grogginess caused by his medication. It would have to involve forcing himself to access all of that pain from the night before to be able to fully address with Jin how inappropriate the entire affair was.And like he was saying about the other boys, that kind of thing would cost him too much of his sanity. Jin could wait. He would have to. Yoongi was just not in the mood to handle this right now.Of course, Yoongi should have realized that his wishes for how this day could run smoothly weren’t as realistic as the fact that he would just have to face the music. Immediately, it meant having to keep up a neutral expression as he faced a sorrowful Jin who was hiding so much of his pain in his gaze. Jin was trying to smile brightly for Yoongi, but Yoongi could see in his eyes how sorry he was. Jin was practically begging for forgiveness with his stare alone.There was a part of Yoongi that could judge whether this was enough to forgive Jin for what he did and make a choice to move on. However, that specific part of him was currently on a mental vacation and had left him without a replacement. There was just empty nothingness when he tried to access a part of himself where he could rationally figure out whether he should forgive Jin, and whether he even really believed Jin’s opinion had changed from what he had expressed the night before.Yoongi’s entire body was just compelling him not to care today for his health’s sake. So he didn’t.“Smells good,” he commented instead of saying good morning.“I made breakfast,” Jin said, his voice quiet as he gently handed Yoongi a plate. “Jungkook overslept so we’re just going to start eating without him.”Jin looked like he was the one ready to have a breakdown. Yoongi could tell his bored expression was disturbing Jin. His ability to feel guilt clearly hadn’t taken the day off, as he already felt like he was over-punishing his hyung just by not responding. However, his anger didn’t take the day off either because there was a small part of himself that felt good that Jin was clearly feeling like shit. It was that same part of him that started thinking that Jin deserved it.Yoongi was giving this all too much thought when he promised himself he wouldn’t.Taking a seat between Tae and Namjoon, Yoongi was sitting across from Hoseok. Hobi was only making him feel worse, sporting a guilty smile like he knew he had contributed to his pain in some way. Did Hobi have to make Yoongi feel worse already when it was only the first time he’d seen him since before he got yelled at?Unlike Yoongi had hoped, Jin’s own stare very much conveyed he did not want to just brush this off like they usually did with arguments. They were both usually so stubborn that fights would normally never end with them on the same side. They would just end in truces. Even if he didn’t fully forgive Jin yet, Yoongi just wanted this to end in a truce where they both agreed to pretend this never happened.This time however, Jin seemed to need Yoongi to know how wrong he realized he'd been.Shooting Jin a look to make him stop staring, Yoongi looked around the table at all the different foods that had been prepared. He was avoiding everyone’s gaze, waiting for them all to get back to their conversations. While Jimin began chattering away with the other hyungs, Yoongi took it as a sign to relax now that supposedly no one was watching him. With a silent sigh, he tried to lean back for support against his chair.In a move that surprised him, someone took one of his hands under the table and held it in their own with a supportive squeeze. Yoongi turned to see Tae smiling down at him before turning back to his mushy plate of cereal and continuing to eat. It was wordlessly agreed upon between the two of them that they wouldn’t call any attention to this gesture. Yoongi couldn’t handle the others knowing he was in need of support. He could take someone holding his hand, that was easy. Dealing with a room of boys trying to comfort him when he had no idea how to feel? That would only serve to make Yoongi relapse.Besides, Yoongi felt like he could accept the gesture. He knew that, other than avoiding him, Tae hadn’t really done anything to him. According to his story, he was too drunk to remember much about their night at the karaoke bar, and Tae never gave Yoongi a single hint that he knew what everyone else was freaking out about.Yoongi one-handedly served himself by putting a few raw pieces of fruit onto his plate. He took nothing else. Namjoon and Hoseok started talking about songs as Yoongi ate. He didn’t think he needed to answer them, hoping they could tell he wasn’t in the mood to be pressured about progress. At one point, though, they seemed to be staring at him and waiting.“What, sorry?” he asked, a little lost as he couldn't remember what Namjoon had last said.“I said, do you think we can revisit your verses today?” Namjoon asked. “I know you were having trouble yesterday.” Annoyed that Namjoon would word it like that, Yoongi quickly swallowed whatever was left of food in his mouth before shaking his head.“I can just figure it out and send it to you both later.” Both Namjoon and Hoseok were confused by the suggestion. They always worked together on these things. Yoongi let go of Tae’s hand, knowing the full table was starting to turn their attention towards him and were at risk of seeing the gesture. “I just don’t think I can actually work with anyone today. I need to be alone for awhile.” He just couldn’t trust them if they were really hiding something from him. It would take him time to recover from that.“We need to get stuff done today, Yoongi,” Namjoon warned carefully. As sensitive as he could tell their leader was trying to be, he was being pretty upfront about how they didn’t have the option to slack off any more than they already have today.“I know. I’ll still be working all day, just in my lab. Just message me whenever you need me. I just need to work alone and I’d prefer it if no one interrupted me,” he said finally before stuffing a large wedge of pineapple in his mouth to keep it busy so no one would expect him to answer them.This seemed to make Jin finally notice his plate.“Don’t you want any pancakes?” Jin asked gently, nodding to the plate full of pancakes right in front of Yoongi’s seat. “They’re blueberry.” His favorite. Yoongi stared at them a little too long before turning back to his plate and continuing to eat.“Sorry, I can’t,” Yoongi said finally, hoping that by looking away that Jin would get the hint to leave it alone.“Why not?” Jin asked, clearly assuming that this was about their fight.“I’m fine. Thank you.”Even Namjoon seemed to think his behavior was weird. “How long has it even been since you’ve eaten? Just take the pancakes, hyung,” he encouraged.“They’re pretty good. I tried them,” Jimin said, trying to lighten the mood.Yoongi didn’t budge.At this point, everyone seemed to be staring harder no matter how much he tried to keep his eyes on the table to avoid their gazes. It was Tae, however, who looked at everyone else in the room like they were the ones being weird.“Guys, you know he can’t eat that,” Tae said finally, a little bit incredulous. “It’s not in his diet.” He figured they’d just forgotten but he could tell by their blank expressions that they had no idea what he meant. Looking to Yoongi, he was immediately apologetic once he could see Yoongi very specifically had never told the others about that.Was it wrong that Tae felt a little validated by the fact that he knew something about Yoongi that the others didn’t?“What diet ?” Namjoon asked, taking on an aggressive tone immediately. Yoongi knew the anger wasn’t being aimed at him. He still wished Namjoon would do him the favor of not causing him any trouble with the company. It was only a suggestion they had made for him, and the diet wasn't exactly starving him. It was just full of crappy food that he hated.Tae was silent, so they all turned to Yoongi.No answers.“Since when are you on a diet?” A month.“It’s only been a few weeks.” Yoongi was getting ready to use any excuse in the book to make this conversation end as soon as possible. He had excuses for his secret-keeping, but none of them would be accepted as valid by their leader. “I didn’t really think it was worth bringing up. Everyone’s busy with their own stuff. It’s not really relevant to anyone else anyway. Tae just knows because we were both told at the same time.”Not only did Yoongi actively kill Tae’s special moment, he accidentally revealed to himself that no one in the room except Jimin and Yoongi seemed to have known about Tae’s diet either. Tae and Yoongi looked at each other briefly and decided that they had both messed up.Like an angry father, Namjoon’s menacing glare turned to Tae. “ You too ?”Tae didn’t know what to say so he just kept his eyes low, mirroring Yoongi’s own guilty look. Namjoon finally noticed Tae was eating a plain, mushy cereal while the others feasted on Jin’s hearty breakfast. Just as Namjoon looked ready to go off on a rant, Yoongi finally spoke up.“I don’t think anyone here wants to start a fight about keeping secrets, because I don’t think you’ll like what I have to say if you do.”No one knew how to answer that.As Yoongi went back to intently eating his fruit and skimming chats on his phone, he was only forced to pay attention when Jimin tapped him on the shoulder while the other hyungs talked among themselves. Sparing them a glance, he could tell Namjoon was still on edge as if he was about to walk into Big Hit ready to start a war with their managers. Hoseok and Jin were doing a good job of distracting him enough that he wasn’t staring at Yoongi the way he was before.Stuck in his thoughts, Yoongi didn’t realize Tae had left his seat to serve himself more cereal until Jimin smoothly slid into Tae’s old seat. Jimin seemed concerned. “I hope they didn’t make you uncomfortable, hyung,” he said quietly. “I never talked about my diets either.”Jimin meant well but Yoongi couldn’t help remembering the nights he and the hyungs would stay up talking about how worried they were for the small dancer. From what he knew, Jungkook and Tae also worried constantly. He could vividly recall days where the team would be overjoyed to see Jimin stuffing his face with food while cheating on a diet, or how they all felt dread when Jimin eagerly announced that he lost some weight. Maybe Jimin didn’t know it, and maybe Yoongi was a hypocrite for keeping this secret for Namjoon, but they specifically had the lawyers take out the company’s right to advise Jimin on any matters regarding his diet during their contract negotiations.Even if Big Hit as a company usually treated them pretty well, it had become clear to Yoongi and Namjoon that they couldn’t control whether any new staff, especially any new managers, would become a problem. It was a safety precaution they felt they had to take.Yoongi hated sympathizing with them over knowing when it was important to keep a secret. He wanted to be mad right now. He wanted to know what he was missing. He felt like he deserved the truth, but he couldn't say that and still actively keep secrets from each of them.“Hyung, can we have dinner together today?” Jimin asked, interrupting his thoughts.“I’m skipping dinner. I have too much work to do,” he said, trying to get out of it.“I could try to sneak out for lunch.” Shit. “I don’t know. Your instructors won’t like that.”“I’ve already been yelled at for something I didn’t do, what’s the harm in making up for it?” Yoongi almost laughed, reminded of the charm that made him attracted to Jimin in the first place.“Why?”“Well, I think we need to talk,” Jimin explained shyly. Yoongi wondered to himself whether there could have been a worse time for Jimin to try and have that talk. Forcing a warm smile, Yoongi nodded in agreement.“You’re right,” he agreed finally. “Let’s do lunch.”“I can’t wait, oppa,” Jimin whispered. Yoongi’s immediate instinct was to enjoy the joke, but then he felt a creeping, overwhelming sense of impending doom. He hated that the thought immediately occurred to him that anyone could have heard Jimin.Startling him, Tae slid back into his seat, which Jimin seemed to have vacated while Yoongi was distracted. He couldn’t help wondering how closeby Tae had been when Jimin was flirting. Tae’s face was blank as he very intently stared down at his cereal.“How bad is it?” Yoongi asked about the cereal, hoping to startled Tae out of his concerning, intense focus. Tae didn’t startle at all, as if fully aware of what was going on around him.“Have you ever tasted a fortune cookie filled with cream cheese?” he prompted.Yoongi’s eyes widened. “Yikes. I’m so sorry.” Tae cracked a small smile at that. Briefly glancing back to Jimin as the younger man returned to his seat, Yoongi tried his best to look amused. In reality, he knew what he had to do.For the band’s sake, this whole thing he had with Jimin needed to be called off.A half hour later, Yoongi got up from the breakfast table and cut the tension in the atmosphere by telling everyone he’d see them around. As he approached his bedroom, looking to pick up his gear for the day, Jungkook was patiently waiting outside his door. Speaking of reasons that he and Jimin needed to stop what they were doing, the fact that Yoongi was actively having sexual dreams about another bandmate made a pretty good argument that a coworker relationship wasn’t going to work out right now.When Jungkook turned to face him, Yoongi thought about how attractive Jungkook’s visual was for the first time in months. The thought came and went as random and violent as a sudden punch to his stomach. In months, he hadn’t looked at the maknae’s face for anything other than identifying dark circles and trying to guess how long he hadn’t slept. Helping Jungkook heal had taken up so much of his energy, he couldn’t even remember there was a very real reason that Yoongi had tried to put some distance between himself and Jungkook before this initiative started.Willing memories of his recent dream out of his mind, he tried his best not to react when he heard Jungkook speak, the voice perfectly matching the one he’d imagined in his sleep without a single flaw. In his dream, Yoongi might as well have been actually listening to Jungkook say those words himself.The least his subconscious could do was try to be a little less accurate and vivid.Pretending he wasn’t thinking about any of this, he tried to smile at the maknae only to twist up when Jungkook somehow got the idea to hug Yoongi. The older hyung couldn’t even hide how uncomfortable it made him. Jungkook certainly caught the look.“I just came to say I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable when I came back to your room last night,” he explained himself nervously. “I just figured as long as I snuck back out before any of my hyungs saw me, it’d be fine. It really did help me sleep.”“That’s good,” Yoongi answered absentmindedly, wondering if Jungkook sleeping with him the entire night through had something to do with sparking the dream. Was it all just a coincidence? It would be silly to scared Jungkook away over something so small. “You should come over again tonight.”“Only if you say so,” Jungkook teased with a bright bunny-like smile that Yoongi had really missed seeing. "I'm going to go steal some of Jin's pancakes." As Jungkook walked away, Yoongi couldn’t deny that he really did feel like the dream was trying to tell him something.Jimin’s expression upon finding Jungkook and Yoongi in the bathroom together suddenly came to mind. That jealous glare Jimin had given Jungkook was answer enough that Yoongi was making the right choice here. If Yoongi actually dated Jimin, he wouldn’t be able to hide that Jungkook was sleeping over every night, and Jungkook just wasn’t ready for his secret to come out yet.Nowadays, Yoongi was starting to feel like he was one of Jungkook’s easiest routes toward maintaining his sanity. The difference between Jungkook’s sleepless and well-rested states was alarming, as if Jungkook slowly lost his mind the longer he went without sleep. Jungkook wasn’t always like this, but Yoongi didn’t have a way to explain the sudden change. As he ignored the boys that were still in the dining room, he mumbled a goodbye to them as he rushed out the door with this mystery on his mind.
What had the managers even said to Jungkook to scare him like this?
 “Wait up, hyung!” Tae called after him, jogging down the steps carefully to follow Yoongi out the door. Yoongi wondered why he was struggling to keep up until he realized Tae didn’t have time to put shoes on from trying so hard to catch up with him.“What do you need, Tae?” he asked as patiently as he could, knowing his sour mood had nothing to do with Tae.“I, um- I want to livestream later today,” Tae burst out with the lie suddenly, not having had any time to come up with a better idea. He just needed an excuse to ask Yoongi for help. Even Yoongi seemed confused as to why that had anything to do with him. Tae immediately tried to think of a more convincing follow up. “I need someone in the room with me, I think. I could really use the help.”“Do you want me to call someone else?” Yoongi asked. Tae recognized those words as the excuse he’d used to try and get out of Yoongi’s request.“I want you,” Tae echoed Yoongi’s words from the day before back at him, but with what he hoped would come off as a charming smile. Cute smile or not, Yoongi was ready to say no.But he was so bad at not hurting Tae.As Yoongi considered whether or not getting out of this arrangement was worth disappointing Tae, Tae suddenly held out his pinky, expecting Yoongi to link their fingers in a promise. It was as if Tae knew that Yoongi’s favorite part about him was his childlike antics. Reluctant but amused, Yoongi cracked a small smile and offered his pinky. Tae completed the gesture with a slight chuckle.“I’ll come get you when the stream starts, hyung.” Tae immediately started heading back up the stairs so that Yoongi wouldn’t get a chance to change his mind.“What time?”“I don’t know yet,” he called back merrily, though he knew his real reasoning was dark.“Wait, I made plans. I can’t just-”“You already promised!” Tae reminded him. “But I’ll tell you as soon as I know what time.” Tae shut the door behind him before Yoongi could protest. Pulling up a seat in front of Jimin and Jungkook, Tae checked his notification settings for his and Jimin’s private chat. Putting the ringer on loud, Tae made sure he'd be able to hear any messages from his best friend. One good thing about Jimin was that he was reliable. Tae knew his friend would follow through on letting him know what time he planned to meet Yoongi. He just had to be ready to steal his hyung’s attention as soon as that time came.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Yoongi’s departure left an empty silence that no one wanted to fill until Tae returned after chasing him down. The second youngest had a bright smile on his face from getting Yoongi to go along with his plan, a smile that mirrored no one in the room’s expression. He couldn’t help being excited about this livestream that he’d entirely made up.“What’d I miss?” Tae asked, wiping the smile off his face.“Didn’t Yoongi seem a bit off to anyone?” Namjoon asked carefully. Hoseok and Namjoon exchanged looks with each other and then looked to the others for answers. No one answered.“Really? No one?” Hoseok prompted, looking for answers.“He’s mad at everyone. What else did you expect?” Tae asked, picking up a leftover pastry from one of the plates.“He did seem a little mad at me too, but we were fine yesterday,” Jungkook noted. Tae saw Jimin resist an eye roll behind Jungkook’s back.“He was mad at me too, but you don’t hear me complaining,” Jimin said. Tae fully turned his attention to Jimin at that moment, specifically recalling that, when he was trying to get back to his seat, he’d heard enough of Yoongi and Jimin’s conversation to know Jimin had been flirting with Yoongi and called Yoongi ‘oppa’. Tae really didn’t need to relive that memory. He was doing his best to forget he heard anything, but it was enough information to know Jimin was lying. Not knowing yet what to do with that information, Tae kept his mouth shut about it.“It was just strange. It was as if he wanted all of us to just leave him alone all of a sudden,” Hoseok said.“Do you want to know my suggestion?” Tae asked the room as he stepped up to his seat again to pick up his tea.“We’re not telling him what happened, Tae,” Namjoon said, sounding like he was ready to tell Taehyung off for repeating himself.“That too, but I was going to say something else. Something almost as good.” Tae sipped his tea. “Since he seems to want us to leave him alone, maybe we should just  leave him alone .” Namjoon looked about ready to give Tae a lecture about being unhelpful when Jin finally spoke up.“At some point or another we do just have to start listening to him,” Jin agreed. Namjoon sighed.“Are we agreed?” Namjoon conceded. Tae surveyed the room just to see how effective his proposal had been, knowing to expect the worst. Jimin seemed reluctant. Namjoon seemed indecisive. Hoseok looked betrayed. Jungkook looked terrified. And Jin…..Jin still looked as devastated as he did when he first saw Yoongi this morning.But the idea got a six out of six vote anyway. It took a few hours, but Yoongi found the solutions he’d been looking for in the verses he was meant to contribute to. Sending them over to Hoseok and Namjoon, Yoongi had not been expecting their replies to come so quickly. As if they were waiting for him, one-by-one, they ran through his work and sent him compliments in the rap line group chat. They praised him so blatantly it was starting to make him wish he was with them in-person so he could hear them say the words. As much as he was trying to resist, the flattery was working on him.However, Hoseok tried to go too far. Beginning to send him direct messages, Yoongi looked to their chat to see his best friend was trying to start a conversation, any conversation, doing his best to say things that would make Yoongi reply. At first, Yoongi stopped checking his messages. Eventually, though, he opened the chat just so that Hoseok would get the notice that Yoongi had seen his messages but chose not to reply.That didn’t make Hoseok give up.
Now that I have your attention, let’s have some fun.
Yoongi had to admit that got his curiosity going. Nothing was going to make him start talking to him, though.
1. Taylor Swift made Kanye West relevant.
Of course his best friend knew how to rile him up. Immediately picking up the phone and violently typing out a reply, Yoongi stopped himself and erased the letters he’d typed out after noticing the program told Hoseok that he was answering. Hoseok caught him.
Ah, so you are listening.
It never occured to Yoongi that his friend could be so cruel as to use the things he loved against him just to make him speak to him.
Don’t worry I’ve got more. 2. Drake’s going to win.
Hobi was going to pay for this later.
Wow, nothing? Okay….. 3. Eminem is the best rapper currently living.
Yoongi wanted to gag. Yoongi had never wished harm on Hobi before this day.
4. Nas lost.
That was it. Why are you doing this? Yoongi asked back.
I knew that one would get you. 
Yoongi almost smiled before realizing he needed to cut this off. This was making him want to let everything go and sweep it all under the rug again. He knew what he had to do to make Hobi back off. He wasn’t going to enjoy getting serious with Hoseok, but he also wasn’t going to have a normal conversation with him as if nothing was wrong. He only said this when they were bickering, but at some point or another Hobi would have to get the message:
Stop trying to be funny.
It hurt to send while knowing that it would wipe the smile off Hobi’s face.And it effectively worked. Yoongi didn’t get another message from him. A minute later, he got a text from Namjoon. Prepared to hear questions about why Hobi was upset, instead he saw a short notice.
Sejin’s back.
Yoongi opened the chat but didn’t know what to answer. While he was pondering, Namjoon sent another text.
Let’s plan to see him together first, okay? Maybe tomorrow? We’ll discuss tonight.
Okay , Yoongi typed back before going back to his desk.After half an hour of sitting there, Yoongi only wrote one lyric. Unable to help himself, he pulled out his phone and texted their senior manager.
Sejin, we need to talk.
It only took a minute to get an answer back.
Rm 305 in 15m?
Getting up immediately, Yoongi texted back a confirmation saying he’d be waiting in the meeting room. Just as he turned on to the right hallway on the third floor, Yoongi received a text from Jimin.
What time are we going to meet?
Entering the door to 305, Yoongi was typing out an answer when Jimin sent another text.
Wait wait wait, look up!!
Looking up through one of the glass walls, Jimin was waving to him from another meeting room. Separated by two glass hallways, there was no easy way to reach the other room as the entrance to one was at least two turns away. Their view was clear, however.Yoongi could tell as he saw other people leaving that meeting room that Jimin had been called in to talk about something serious. Before he could get too curious, he saw Jimin loudly call out to him. He could read on his lips that he’d called out “hyung”, but Yoongi couldn’t hear him at all. He laughed a bit, pulling his phone up closer to his face so he could type out a text. The soundproofing on this glass is amazing .Jimin checked his phone and then looked up at Yoongi with the most performative pout he’d ever seen. The younger man seemed to have an idea occur to him as he started grinning out of nowhere. Holding his hands up curved into a heart, Jimin grinned warmly before bringing it up to his eye as if trying to see Yoongi through the space. Yoongi performatively rolled his eyes.Jimin pretended to look offended that he didn’t reciprocate.“Okay fine,” Yoongi answered aloud, hoping Jimin would read his lips. Dramatically setting up his hands for a gesture, Yoongi had Jimin’s full attention as he gripped an imaginary handle with one hand while holding his hand up in a fist. Pretending to turn a crank, Yoongi slowly raised an erected middle finger from his fist. The crank was raising his finger all along, allowing him to flip Jimin off.It was heartwarming just to see Jimin laugh, even if he couldn’t hear it. Unwilling to give up, Jimin pretended to load a crossbow. Gesturing pulling back the imaginary arrow, he aimed for Yoongi carefully before ‘releasing’ the arrow. In the same moment, the hand that acted as his grip on the bow quickly crossed his index finger and thumb into a heart. Yoongi was pretty sure he was grinning at Jimin like an idiot. This boy made his heart ache sometimes just from how much Yoongi wanted him.Still, being himself, Yoongi refused to give in to this routine.When Yoongi didn’t react, Jimin feigned devastation. As if mustering up courage, he loaded up another arrow in his gestured bow and aimed it at Yoongi again. As he moved to release the arrow, Yoongi stepped out of the arrow’s path just in time.Jimin’s jaw dropped. He gaped at Yoongi like he’d never been so hurt in his life. Shaking it off, he loaded the bow one last time. His persistence was remarkable. Forgetting entirely about Sejin, Yoongi was lost in the thrill of still having Jimin’s attention. After Jimin released the arrow, he winked at Yoongi.That’s when it hit Yoongi. Both the non-existent arrow and the realization that he was whipped.Pretending to take a hit to the chest, Yoongi looked down and pretended to check what was ‘wrong’ with him like something was happening to his body. Then he looked up to Jimin for answers. Jimin enthusiastically waved at him. Yoongi put a hand to his chest as if he could suddenly hear his heartbeat. He folded his hands into a heart and pretended to try to look at Jimin through the heart. When he looked through this gap, he saw Jimin grinning and it made Yoongi laugh. Suddenly remembering anyone could walk by any minute, Yoongi wanted to end on a good note.Still holding the heart out, Yoongi smiled as he dramatically broke the heart in two. Shocked at him, Jimin mimed clutching his heart in pain and then reached out toward him longingly. Only half indulging him, Yoongi put a hand on his heart and let his other hand reach back to Jimin. He was putting in less effort than Jimin but Jimin seemed to work with that just fine. In grief, with all the dramatic intention he could possibly put into it, Jimin helplessly collapsed to his knees as if the heartbreak had made him unable to stand.Yoongi really couldn’t help laughing. Practically wheezing, he laughed so hard that his stomach was cramping up and his lungs felt strained. Jimin froze staring at something behind Yoongi. Before Yoongi could understand what was happening, someone cleared their throat from behind him. Turning, Yoongi was preparing an explanation for their behavior when he saw it was Sejin.As one of their senior managers, they didn’t need to explain their sense of humor to Sejin. Sejin was perhaps the manager who understood them most. He even engaged in their antics from time to time. And the rest of the time, Sejin really didn’t want an explanation either.This seemed to be one of those times as Sejin looked almost too disappointed with them. Walking up to stand next to Yoongi, Sejin stared Jimin down as he picked himself up off the floor. Suddenly Sejin was shaking his head at Jimin, who clumsily tried to bow his head in apology for being caught acting stupid. As Jimin and Yoongi glanced at each other, they were both admittedly confused by Sejin’s behavior.Yoongi’s mind swam with anxious thoughts, afraid and suspicious as to how Big Hit’s suspicious behavior lately could have something to do with Sejin’s personality change.Then, in a plot twist, the serious-faced man raised his index finger to the outer edge of his eyes and mimed a fake tear streaming down his face. It was a joke. Yoongi sighed out in relief, his body losing the tension it had built over the past minute. If only Sejin knew what they’d been through in the last week, he would have known not to scare them like that. Checking Jimin, he only caught the younger man laughing at Sejin’s joke. Satisfied that Jimin was okay, Yoongi waved goodbye at him. Jimin performatively blew kisses to both of them.Turning his back to the glass wall so Jimin would stop distracting him, Yoongi took the nearest seat at the conference table in the center of the room. As Sejin sat across from him, Yoongi could finally hear the many alerts going off from Sejin’s phone.“Busy day?” Yoongi asked.“I leave for one week-” Sejin started to complain as he pulled out the phone and got ready to take an incoming call.“We fall apart without you,” Yoongi said quickly before Sejin answered his call.While waiting, Yoongi noticed that Jin had begun contributing photos and videos to the group chat. Occasionally glancing at them whenever Sejin got interrupted by a phone call or a text, Yoongi was happy to see the antics everyone else was up to. Even if the pictures were from Jin, it was an indirect way of staying involved with everyone even when he was avoiding them. He had to admit it was lonely working by himself. Seeing Jimin was so far the best part of his working day.At least until he saw a livestream begin just for their little group chat a few minutes later. He tuned in immediately, unable to help himself. The maknaes were chair-racing across their gym. Concerned but amused, Yoongi didn’t even want to know how they got desk chairs into the room or moved the equipment enough to create a raceway.Jungkook looked so healthy when he passed directly in front of the camera, complaining about cramps from the pancakes. While he was lifting the bottom of his sweatshirt, the camera followed the silly maknae to the mirror where he began poking at his bare stomach as if to search and see if the pancakes had taken their toll on his body yet. Tae jumped up on Jungkook’s back. In reply, Jungkook climbed onto the next available desk chair and they rode along the racing path they'd made for themselves. Even just hearing Jin’s windshield wiper laugh was comforting. Yoongi watched as Jimin entered the room a few seconds later, encouraging them once he caught on to what was happening.“Aegyo!” Jimin called out as the two rode off. The chair nearly tipped over, causing Jimin to gasp and Jin to start screaming. Everything seemed fine because he could hear the group laughing, but Yoongi initially smiled as Jin forgot about the camera, the video turning into a blur as Jin ran towards the two boys with the phone swinging with his arms.“Did you get the fall on camera?” Jungkook asked, out of breath. Jin must have answered, because Tae’s voice belted out in reply.“You had one job!” Tae was so out of breath Yoongi could only wonder what happened when they fell.“I thought you died, you fools!” Jin yelled back, also out of breath from laughing. Jin picked the camera back up and pointed it at a ruffled maknae line. Jimin was in the background trying to fix Jungkook’s ruffled up hair.“You have class later,” Jimin reminded him, frustrated by his ruined state. Jungkook just grinned up at Jimin, proud of the mess he made. Jungkook barely got a laugh in before Tae fake-slapped him.“Hyung, do I look good like this?” Jungkook asked in the camera’s direction, the question comical now that Jimin was actively trying to ponytail Jungkook’s hair in random directions just for giving him an attitude.Just from seeing the video, Yoongi almost felt like he was there to see it in person. He nearly answered Jungkook until he heard Jin begin to reply. Before he could make out any of the words, he heard Sejin begin to say goodbye to whoever he was talking to.Just watching that video made Yoongi feel less alone.Then he realized that was probably Jin’s intention all along. It was very much like him to worry about Yoongi being alone all day, to understand that he’d be afraid he’s missing out, to know Yoongi was still too angry to talk to Jin, but also to know that Yoongi would look at what he sent if it was about the rest of the band.Jin was more emotionally intelligent than anyone gave him credit for, but how could someone so smart do something so stupid? As if reading his mind, Sejin cleared his throat to get Yoongi’s attention as he put away his cell phone after finishing his phone call.“Sorry about that, it was one of the other managers,” Sejin said. “Is this about yesterday?” Yoongi blinked. “I heard about it. Do you want to tell me a little more about what happened? I can talk to Jin if you want.”“This isn’t about that,” Yoongi clarified. Trying to gather his thoughts, shaken by the news that people in the company were talking about what Jin did, Yoongi realized he hadn’t even prepared for the conversation he was about to try and have with Sejin. He could have just planned ahead with Namjoon and come when they both said they would. Instead, he chose to shortcut Namjoon just because he was feeling a little untrusting.That guilt hit him like a train at full speed.“I should have waited for Namjoon,” Yoongi thought out loud, the words slipping out before he could think twice. Wincing, Yoongi knew that wasn’t his smoothest moment, but Sejin didn’t seem to think anything about it.“Is this about the diet?” Now, Yoongi knew for a fact Sejin should not know about the diet plan. Jimin’s diet issues had started back when Sejin was just a junior manager and had no power. Upon his promotion, Sejin was one of Jimin’s biggest supporters. He was there when Yoongi and Namjoon manipulated Jimin’s contract. After that experience, there was no way he signed off on anyone getting asked about a diet. “Namjoon and I talked already.”“You and Namjoon?”“He came to me about it this morning.” Yoongi tried his best to hide his surprise. He had assumed Namjoon told him about Sejin the moment Sejin had returned. “I don’t know whose call it was to talk to you and Taehyung, but it will definitely be discussed.” For all of his talk about meeting Sejin together, Namjoon was clearly as slippery as Yoongi was when it came to trust. He’d actively gone behind Yoongi’s back to get rid of the diets when it was none of his business.At the end of the day, the only question Yoongi had for Sejin was what’s going on? regarding the latest company decisions. However, doubting Namjoon changed things for Yoongi. They were both sneaking around each other’s backs trying to solve the same problem. They would lose if they kept that up. Having Sejin on their side wouldn’t be enough to protect them if they didn't go about this the right way.“It’s different,” Yoongi finally answered. Saved by the bell, Sejin’s phone started ringing. “You should get that. We can talk another time, Sejin, when you’re less busy.” Sejin took out his phone.“If you’re sure. Before you go, though, you should see the message Jimin left you.” Sejin pointed back in the direction of where Jimin had once been. Looking out the glass wall again, Yoongi saw a dramatic but simple graphic scribbled all over the board. Three words inside of a heart.
I hate you.
As much as he tried not to, Yoongi could feel himself briefly smiling like a fool in love. Yoongi couldn’t help tuning back into Jin’s feed during his walk back to his lab. He was with Namjoon and Hoseok now, as the two appeared to be fighting. Yoongi was concerned right up until he realized what the subject of the discussion was: Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. He snorted.“I'm so confused. So who won?” Jin asked. Hobi gestured with a shrug that implied he’d been listening to Namjoon all this time and still had no idea what he was getting at.“Not women,” Namjoon answered before clearly realizing that was an inside joke that no one understood. “So one of our experts-” That was how Namjoon liked to refer to the women’s studies professors that would check their lyrics. “-walked me through it last time I stopped by. She said something about how, in her opinion, successful women feuding with each other isn’t necessarily good for progress.”“I thought rappers do it all the time,” Hobi shot back curiously. “It’s like part of their history. Doesn’t it make them better rappers to have someone pushing them to work harder?”“Possibly not,” Namjoon seemed to understand that the conversation was getting too detailed and complicated as he looked down at their work on the table. They had work to do. Glancing at Jin and then the camera momentarily, he just shrugged while he tried to find the right words. Yoongi could see the light bulb turn on above Namjoon’s head when he had an idea. “It’s like you, Hobi. You’re already one of the best dancers in the country. You don’t really have competition to deal with, yet you’re still getting better every day.”The shit-eating grin on Namjoon’s face made Yoongi feel like he deserved it when Hobi threw a pen at him. Shyly hiding part of his face behind one of the lyrics sheets in his hand, the dancer laughed at whatever face Jin was making behind the camera.“Turn that camera off,” Hobi whined as he buried his face. Yoongi loved how shy Hobi would get over compliments.Jin laughed so hard the camera shook. “No, I want another metaphor from Namjoon.” Namjoon smiled, looking down at his work as if he was going to ignore the request.
Light bulb.
“As a handsome man with no competition-” Namjoon started. As soon as he realized Namjoon was referring to Jin as handsome, Hoseok groaned and put his head down on the table. He was clearly hiding giggles. “You still find ways to get more beautiful each day.” Yoongi thought Jin would love that.Then suddenly Jin surprised everyone.“I’m good at math too, Namjoon. Why is everything about looks with you?” he joked, barely able to keep it together before breaking into his signature laugh. Hobi laughed so hard that he reached out and banged the table before pointing at Namjoon’s face. Yoongi could only assume it was a funny expression because Jin was laughing too hard to keep the camera still long enough for him to see Namjoon.This was all so endearing to Yoongi, but a part of him really hated that. He especially hated thinking about Jin’s silly laugh positively when he was supposed to be mad at him. Trying to hide his amusement, Yoongi was startled while just a few feet away from his lab when Jungkook called after him. “Hyung!”Yoongi immediately clicked out of the livestream. He wouldn’t admit to missing them. Considering the smile on his face, Jungkook definitely saw his phone before he’d hidden it.“I knew you were watching,” he said cheerily. “I had a feeling.” Yoongi felt a little like he was being called out, but objectively he knew the man meant no harm in suggesting that he missed them. Still, he was pretty sure Jungkook knew what everyone was hiding from him and that meant he wasn’t exempt from Yoongi's anger. Even if he wanted the maknae to sleep well, that didn’t mean he’d just forgive him on the spot. Crossing his arms, he waited for Jungkook to explain his visit. Jungkook instead just started to get nervous under his stare.“What do you want?” Yoongi prompted finally.“Well, I noticed you were upset today,” he answered cautiously. “I was a little scared it was at me. Did I wake you up last night? Is that why?” As much as Jungkook was doing a great job dancing around the subject, the fear in his eyes spoke to a much larger truth. He knew Yoongi was upset about a much more serious offense. His feigned confusion only did more to make Yoongi suspicious.Jungkook knew exactly what Yoongi was mad at him for. Acting cute was only going to get him so far.“Don’t play dumb,” Yoongi said finally.“I don’t know what you mean-” Jungkook was a terrible but determined liar. Yoongi didn’t mean to react, but he realized he must have looked disappointed. Jungkook was crumbling. “Please don’t be mad."Feeling a little sour knowing that he was probably right about Jungkook, Yoongi just tried to swallow his reaction and decided to set some boundaries. He wasn’t going to forgive Jungkook for something he was punishing the others for.“You should go. The others might be looking for you,” Yoongi suggested as he turned his back to Jungkook. Fiddling with the room's keypad, a thought occurred to him a few seconds after the maknae finally gave up and decided to listen to him. “Jungkook?” He turned back. Yoongi didn’t even make eye contact, he just faced the door again as he typed in the key to the room. “Don’t lie to me again. If you don’t want to answer, fine. But don’t be another person lying to me.”Yoongi didn’t wait to see Jungkook’s reaction, even as he shut the lab door behind himself.Checking his phone, Yoongi realized he got a text from Jimin somewhere in the time that he was distracted. You never answered me, what time is lunch? It’s 1pm already , Jimin texted.   Yoongi could hear the whining in Jimin’s voice and everything. It made him smile.
Let’s do a late lunch since I’m skipping dinner?

Sure, I’m still a little full anyway.

Yeah. Of all those pancakes I couldn’t eat.
Cheer up, we can cheat the diet today together if you want, Jimin answered. Yoongi sighed, knowing that it wouldn’t be called cheating the diet now that Namjoon got Sejin to scrap the plan altogether. He couldn’t quite explain why that was so upsetting to him. Yoongi had to admit in this moment that the managers bringing up his supposed weight gain made the diet seem desirable. Maybe that was wrong, but he just wished to himself that he’d gotten to make the call on whether to quit or not. ….I’m listening, he answered Jimin.
Lamb skewers?
That was a weird suggestion. Yoongi really wished there was someone there with him that would agree that that was a weird suggestion. Part of him almost felt like Jimin should have known it was weird to ask him to go get lamb skewers without Jungkook. It felt almost inherently wrong to go to eat their favorite food without the maknae. It was something they bonded over once, their mutual taste for a food that no one else in the band liked. Yoongi had been there when Jungkook first had the dish, and they’d never eaten any without each other present ever since.It occured to Yoongi that that might not be normal in a friendship. After all, perhaps Jimin was suggesting this because he knew that Yoongi liked lamb skewers and never got to go.Could this possibly mean anything else? Trying to calm himself down, he almost felt like there would always be something inherently wrong with his decision no matter what he chose. On second thought, he realized maybe the rest of the band didn’t associate the food with his friendship with Jungkook. Maybe they just remembered it as something Yoongi liked that he very rarely got to have.Rushing to make a decision, Yoongi checked the clock. It was 1pm. Okay. 3pm? he suggested.
Deal.
 It was 2:45pm when Tae finally decided it was a good time to go get Yoongi. With only 15 minutes to spare before Yoongi and Jimin were meant to leave for their late lunch, Tae knew he could make his livestream last at least an hour and keep Yoongi from going to his date. Leaving Jimin’s message unopened, Tae was lucky the notification allowed him to see the text that Jimin had sent without opening their chat. As long as it looked like he’d never seen the text, hopefully things would be okay.A part of him knew how wrong this was, but he just wanted a little more alone time with Yoongi before the inevitable would happen once he and Jimin started dating. Even just an hour would be nice.Tae knocked on the door to Yoongi’s lab, putting on an eager smile while he waited for his hyung to answer. Yoongi looked like he was getting ready to head out, with a leather jacket pulled on and a scarf wrapped around his neck. Though Tae wasn’t one to pay much attention to a person’s visual, he noted how the outfit suited Yoongi. Try as he did, he also couldn’t help noticing how good it looked on him, but he managed to immediately push the thought aside. Overthinking the momentary lapse, Tae finally decided Yoongi had only caught his attention because the clothes were trendy.Luckily, despite his silence, Yoongi figured out on his own why Tae was there. He made a face. “Oh no, the livestream is right now?”Tae recollected himself now that his mind had found a way to excuse his strange behavior. “I just told the staff I was about to start,” he answered, trying to feign innocence when he knew that Yoongi was about to have to explain that he had plans.“There’s just somewhere I have to be,” Yoongi said apologetically.It suddenly hit Taehyung in that moment that this entire plan was stupid to begin with. Yoongi wasn’t just going to cancel on a date with Jimin just to spend time with him during a livestream. His hyung was known for putting anyone else ahead of him. Tae couldn’t believe he ever thought this could be an exception.As soon as Tae noticed his own face fell, he smoothly forced a smile back on. “Okay. I figured you might be busy,” Tae said politely, meaning to make an excuse for Yoongi to end the conversation quicker. Before he could think to say goodbye, he realized he saw a slight fear in Yoongi’s eyes.  It was as if Taehyung’s momentary disappointment had not gone unseen by his older bandmate. Yoongi looked as if he had just been cornered.“I can still help,” Yoongi offered suddenly. “I’ll just tell them I’m going to be late.” Nodding, Tae took the offer before leading Yoongi to the room he was planning to stream in. As he walked, Yoongi’s reaction was still running through his mind over and over as he tried to make sense of it.
Had he just guilted Yoongi into staying with him?
Tae hated that thought more than anything. This entire livestream was already ruined for Tae. He could tell he’d just conned his two friends for nothing more than inconveniencing them. As long as Yoongi was in the livestream with him, he’d know that Yoongi was only choosing him out of pity. To Tae, that was honestly just as bad as not being chosen.“How long do you think this will take?” Yoongi asked as he kept typing on his phone. Tae didn’t know how to answer that, not when he wanted to tell Yoongi to just run back along to his favorites.This was why Tae hated getting his hopes up about Yoongi changing. Things were fine back when Tae knew what to expect. So long as Yoongi didn’t choose him, Tae knew not to expect to be picked. Every bit of time with Yoongi would feel like a lucky moment since he held no expectations for Yoongi to invest time in him at all. It was the expectation that was killing him. It was the constant reminder that he was being forgotten that made everything worse.Part of him wanted to go back to when Yoongi actively ignored him so that Tae could go back to not putting much weight in Yoongi’s opinion. This was all easier back when Tae had taught himself not to take Yoongi seriously. Now Tae knew he would prefer Yoongi’s accidental insults over this pity party.“I don’t know,” Tae answered. Opening the door to the room, he decided he should try to enjoy whatever amount of time Yoongi would grant him now. It would probably be the last bit of alone time they’ll get before Yoongi’s time starts being accounted for by his best friend. Knowing that Jimin was the jealous type made it clear to Tae that Yoongi wouldn’t have a lot of free time once he and Jimin were together.He couldn’t stop feeling bitter, though, so he supposed the least he could do was make polite and meaningless conversation. Yoongi curled himself into a couch chair in front of the desk that Tae had set up with the mini tripod. He was texting on his phone, but Tae hoped they could at least exchange a few words before he found some reason to get Yoongi to leave early so he could make it to his date.“I’m sorry about this morning, by the way,” Tae said, knowing an apology was due.“Nah, the dancing was really cute,” Yoongi answered, briefly looking up from his phone. Tae was confused until he remembered his own choice of a wakeup call for Yoongi this morning. It wasn’t what he meant, but that compliment just meant something to Tae. It was a kind of approval and validation he didn’t know he wanted.Unable to help the boxy smile spreading on his lips, Tae hoped he didn’t look as embarrassed as he felt. Yoongi completely put down his phone for a second, looking amused at Tae’s reaction.“What did I say?” Yoongi asked.“I was talking about the diet thing,” Tae explained. But then you called my dancing cute. He held the words back at the last second. Tae would recognize one day just how problematic it was that a single compliment from Yoongi made him temporarily forget his bad mood.“Oh,” Yoongi said unphased. He shrugged before picking up his phone and checking the screen to see if there was a message. “Namjoon was bound to find out one day. Besides, I busted your secret too. Remember?”Tae’s mind was still in the clouds reliving waking Yoongi up. He could tell Yoongi didn’t seem to think his compliment was worth much attention, so Tae went back to adjusting the camera, working on the angle and worrying over how he looked. Looking around, he saw the props he’d brought into the room. He tried to think about whether anything was missing.“Water, pen, paper-” Tae began listing under his breath. He didn’t notice Yoongi was even paying attention until Yoongi interrupted his list.“Why do you look so nervous?” Yoongi asked suddenly, seeming to finally tune in to Tae's behavior. Tae was partially surprised Yoongi was still there, realizing in that moment that he really should have sent him to his date by now. Problem was he didn’t have a good excuse to kick him out just yet. Tae was too busy worrying about what he’d do once he pressed record. “You do this all the time.”“It’s been a while,” Tae lied.“And?”Left without an excuse, Tae figured it was about time to start telling the truth. There was no harm in one more person knowing about this. “Our managers,” Tae answered before realizing that wasn’t a full enough explanation. He tried to find the right words. “They suggested that I need to work on my livestreams. That I’m not very good at them.”“But you get so many views, Tae,” Yoongi said, sounding frustrated. Tae couldn't help noting that he finally sounded invested in what he was saying.“They could be better,” Tae answered finally, recalling the list of improvements the managers had suggested. “They just don’t want me to repeat any mistakes.” He couldn’t meet Yoongi’s eyes, but his mind did quick work of listing the mistakes back at himself the way the managers did. Flashing a selfie on his phone at the camera for a full minute, leaving a livestream on to go dry his hair, the random dance breaks, making the fans sit and watch him listen to music. "I've got a lot of problems to fix so I don't bore people."“I don’t think the fans would agree with that.”Tae didn’t think so either. From what he saw in their comments, ARMY seemed to enjoy the livestreams just fine. However, the managers made sure to imply that the fans were probably just trying to encourage him. That was at least better than the part where they outright said the fans also just knew not to expect much from him. Tae’s heart was sinking just a bit too close to starting time. The staff would be expecting him to go live any second. Looking up, he realized Yoongi had been watching him all this time. He was paying attention. Tae almost didn't know whether to believe it.“You’re going to do fine today.”“I know,” Tae lied. “I prepared this time.” Unsure of what else to do, Tae was too intimidated to handle Yoongi's full attention without something to do. Looking into the camera display, he looked at his surroundings through the lens to see what needed improvement.“What are you going to talk about?” Yoongi asked while Tae had his back turned as he tried to clean up the shelf behind him to make it look neater.“I’m supposed to always start with questions. I was told ARMY had really great questions for you on your last livestream.” Jimin had been very sure to tell Tae about the whole ‘headphones’ comment Yoongi made after Tae left the livestream yesterday. He'd done his best not to scoff, because he was trying to be a good friend. “I’m just hoping I have the same luck. If not, I’ll just answer a few simple ones for everyone to get started.”Tae heard Yoongi’s phone’s message tone go off a few times as he spoke, but he still believed he was listening.“I’ve been working on a few songs,” Tae admitted, though he never talked about his songwriting to Yoongi. He hoped his hyung wouldn’t think he was trying to ask him about it or anything. Yoongi never liked to talk songwriting with him, so Tae knew better than to keep trying. “I’ve been trying to run a few lyrics by them lately. The managers said that it worked last time.”Tae finished cleaning up the shelf and looked around to everything else in his background to make sure there wasn’t anything compromising in the area. “I thought it might be fun to try and chat with some ARMY in English. If I ask them to ask me a few questions in English, I’ll try to respond to the ones I understand in English. At least if I mess up, they might still like it. I know my accent isn’t good but as long as it makes them happy-”Tae wished he’d never looked to the older man for some kind of approval on the idea. Yoongi was just smiling and typing away on his phone, his entire body language suggesting he wasn’t tuned in to the conversation at all. That became even more clear as Yoongi automatically seemed to try and catch up with what Tae was saying, clearly knowing he’d been caught.That was it.Something in Tae just snapped.“If you have somewhere else to be then you should just go, Yoongi,” he said, doing his best to keep his tone even.He didn't do well enough considering Yoongi picked up on the fact that he was mad. He was immediately defensive. “Wait-”Tae didn’t even know what possessed him to interrupt Yoongi. He just wasn’t going to admit to being hurt, so he needed to make excuses so we wouldn’t get any apologies. “You said you were busy and I should have listened. It’s fine. It’s on me.”“I can stay-”“I don’t need any distractions,” Tae snapped back, realizing he was showing his hand. He was finally giving up on Yoongi and it was getting harder and harder to hide it long enough for Yoongi to leave. And Tae needed to be angry because he wasn’t willing to get upset. He had to go on live in minutes, and being upset over Yoongi wasn’t worth ruining the treat he’d planned for the fans. “I know you weren’t listening before but it is really important to me that this go well. I'd appreciate it if you'd just go.”The most frustrating part about this was that Tae had brought this on himself."Tae-" Yoongi tried again. Tae could hear the excuses coming.He wasn't having it.There were a whole plethora of people waiting for him to go on camera, who’d log on the second they knew he would be there. He had fans who would drop whatever they were doing to just to have a chance at talking to him online. He had friends, some of them being the most important people in their industry, who would drop a day at work just to see him according to his schedule. He had all of the other band members who would have loved the invitation to be here with him. And he had his best friend, whose lunch date he was here sabotaging like a total asshole, who would cancel that same date in a second if Tae said he needed him to.But Tae was dumb enough to give his time to the one person who always made him the second choice."Get out."

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Hey y’all, it’s ya girl.I know some people don’t like it when writers post an A/N but this is important so I thought I'd share.I’m not going to lie but unfortunately over the last few days a part of me considered dropping this story due to some of the reactions I was getting over the plot. I wanted to clarify what’s been going on to those of you who have been made aware of events ongoing. I want to be clear: I can understand criticizing or questioning my decisions as a writer, but there are some basic levels of respect that I think need to be spoken for in these interactions, particularly when regarding people’s identities and the communities they belong to.This is particularly difficult for me because I’ve unfortunately already had a bad experience regarding the way some people seem to take on a sense of authority over my story. Specifically this story. Truth is, on another version of this fic, I was getting harassed on my Tumblr blog and my AO3 comment’s section for featuring a side character in this story who was based on a non-BTS idol. From how far the attacks were going (I was getting direct messages from people demanding me to edit the story to their liking, or having to delete attacking comments regularly), it led to me giving up on that version of the story and dropping the narrative for months until I decided to rewrite the story in the form you’ve been reading the past few weeks.This time, I was getting feedback particularly concerning my handling of LGBT+ issues. The conversation took on a particularly triggering tone when it pulled up an assumption on my own sexuality and identity.I was going to continue deliberating on how to move forward and whether I felt comfortable moving forward with this story as is. I was basically not planning to update today. I was not even planning to post this author’s note. But a little while ago someone - I’ll leave them unnamed but their comment is public - left me a 711 word comment (that's an ESSAY, god bless you wow) about why they love this story. And reading it made me emotional because it was honestly reminding me how much I love to write this story. So I will hopefully be posting an update over the next 12 hours entirely dedicated to this person. And I will also try to continue updating while I deliberate.Also thanks to their help, instead of trying to make this decision without telling anyone or without even providing information, I thought I’d open up about what was going on and also take the time to lay down a possible path for the future so I can continue this story. So I’m here today to talk about some ground rules going forward as well as to openly address an issue that has been coming up even just among curious readers: Jin’s character.To start by addressing ground rules:I don’t mind if people want to engage with me in a conversation about topics in my story. For example, if they want to approach me about how much they think Jin is crossing the line. I honestly think everyone’s mileage may vary on just how offensive they think Jin is being, and this fic is never going to say whether there is a “right answer” to just how easily Jin should be forgiven for his behavior. I invite discussion on the subject if anyone wants to help outsource opinions on the matter, like I’ve previously done with the many people I’ve run this plot by.However, from this point on, I won’t tolerate any language that tries to imply that my sexuality in any way affects my ability to address the subject sensitively. That is, I won’t accept any language that automatically takes on the assumption that I’m not a member of the lgbt+ community. Not that it gives me any immediate authority or anything, but I am bisexual and won’t tolerate having my sexuality put into discussion or debate based on assumptions made about my fanfic writing.It is a major problem in our community that bisexuals often get a sense that they only partially belong in the lgbt community. While I also believe there are a lot of internalized issues that contribute to these fears, there can sometimes be external factors pushing that narrative.So as a bisexual person, it is extremely upsetting to have anyone assume my sexuality based on how much authority they think I have to be in the LGBT community. That’s an unfair position to put anyone in and I won’t tolerate that behavior anywhere near my works.Lastly, a lot of sensitive and complicated issues are tackled in this fic, sexuality, homophobia, polyamory, as well as rare romantic orientations. Please, if you want to confront me or my editor about an issue, no matter what it is do not assume that we have no personal experience with the subject matter at hand. Please don’t even do that to other commenter/readers.This story has been plotted over months of discussions. There are at least 10 people out there who know the full plot of this story just because we’ve run it by them to cover the details and be sensitive to the issues at play. My editor and I are not only sharing identities and communities with most characters in this story, but we have done research and have also approached members of other communities just to review the decisions we make in this story.So feel free to disagree with something I wrote, and I’ll always encourage you to tell me more about your opinion, but I’m at my limit of addressing any aggressive comments accusing me of intentional misrepresentation. I'm not evil for making mistakes, I'm just human and there's only so much I can get "right" when you're talking about issues that are this complicated.Regarding Jin’s character, for those of you who are genuinely looking to understand where he’s coming from with his behavior:There are people in the lgbt+ community, as well as allies, who do engage in some problematic thinking because of the environment in which they are raised. BTS is a major ally to our community, but at the end of the day they are a product of their community and have had to overcome a lot in order to become the open-minded people they are now. Korea is not exactly known as the most gay-friendly country, meaning it’s more than likely that without active exposure to openly gay people (the kind of exposure BTS would find it very hard to get) at least one of them won’t fully understand the ins and outs on how to be sensitive.Jin is being depicted as someone who actively means no harm and is trying to understand while having a lot of missteps on his path. Not only are a lot of allies like this at first, but a lot of members of our own community cite having this kind of thinking before realizing they are gay themselves. It’s about your environment and the way you were raised. I chose Jin because of words he himself actually said about how long it took him to accept the way the maknaes naturally behave because he explains how he was very strictly raised to believe that men should behave a certain way. Jin was brave enough to talk about the path it took to get him there, and how it took him time to understand there was nothing wrong with it.So while Jin is exhibiting problematic behavior, Jin is not an intentional homophobe or biphobe. He is like a lot of people we meet in real life. He’s making a lot of mistakes on his way to trying to understand how to relate to his friend after he came out, but he’s admitting actively to his friends that he is struggling and trying his hardest to be better. That’s not an unfamiliar kind of person to encounter for most members of the LGBT community, especially in particularly hostile environments like Korea, a country that doesn’t even allow gay marriage.Like I said, your mileage may vary about severe you consider Jin’s behavior to be. This fic doesn’t ever imply that there’s an objectively right or wrong answer about how easy or hard his actions are to forgive. The fic’s text is based on every character’s perspective. Readers aren’t necessarily meant to agree with the way Jin is ultimately handled, they’re just meant to understand why each character sees it a certain way and acts accordingly.So those are my thoughts on Jin for all of you who had questions.  Regarding any of this, feel free to continue this discussion in the comments or do whatever you feel. I'd love to hear back from you guys if you're still with me after this novel of an emotional venting. If there is an issue I haven’t addressed, I’m happy to hear your concerns below.

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A double author's note, dear lord, what have I come to?....I want to get back to writing the next update but I've been getting a lot of questions about this so I think we all need to sit down for a single update dedicated to this question:
What does an "[person's name]/everyone" fic mean to you? Like what do you think this means about this story?

THIS IS URGENT.
Because I've been receiving a lot of questions about "end game couple" or "real soulmates" or some people asking if I'd "start to consider" doing a poly ship for three of the members, etc. which to me indicates we're all on very different pages about what's going on in this story and that either I'm in the wrong tag or there's just a gap between our understanding about what's going on.If you don't have any expectations about this fic and are fine no matter what happens, you can skip the section after this one, but please do answer the above question. The next section has no significant spoilers but perhaps has information you haven't yet picked up on. REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU SKIP THE NEXT SECTION, PLEASE READ THE SECTIONS AFTER.  
For everyone who is worried or curious:
How this story's ships are set up has always been public knowledge, it's in the tags and I've talked about it in comments a few times. None of this is supposed to eventually surprise anyone, if you hadn't figured it out by now, then you might have in a few more chapters when I really drove it home.This story has NO SHIP BIAS. Not only is the story structured for every ship to end up getting the same amount of attention as the others depending on where it is in the timeline, but also they're all set up to be equally important to Yoongi and have an equal amount of development.- because when I called this a Yoongi/everyone fic, I meant it's a Yoongi/everyone fic. Like this is a 'Yoongi wants to have equal relationships with all the band members but [conflict]' (obviously there's nuance to this regarding circumstances, time, emotional attachment, but you know what I mean). Like this is a plot where Yoongi wants to be with everybody and is actively fighting to get it.This is NOT a story about him eventually having to CHOOSE someone or about failing ships one by one until only one remains. There is no "he can only have one" pressure coming from me, all of that pressure will be coming from the characters in the fic, but that's not my end goal here. This ship is tagged polyamory, it's not about Yoongi struggling to become monogamous, it's about him struggling with his polyamorous desires. I even have referenced that this story eventually becomes a true OT7. That's because once the plot of this story (which is predicted that it's going to be a total of 600k words btw) about the Yoongi/everyone dynamic is resolved (meaning if you don't want to read on then you don't have to), the endless epilogue of this story is about the ship becoming a true OT7 polyamory instead of just a Yoongi-centric dynamic.If you're curious, that's why there was so much research going into this story. Polyamorous groups so large are rare and my editor and I were discussing with people in the community about the realism of what that kind of circumstance would look like. So that's all. I figured I should be open because this story's entire plot is already going and can't just be changed to become about a one-ship-survives story so I felt like I should be honest to readers about whether this might just be leading them to read the wrong fic if they're expecting something super specific. Idk.Since I never want to post another author's note again, any developments that further this point will be coming up on my Tumblr @theonetrueotaku so check there for updates, send me asks, or look for answers to any questions. Also be sure to check the comments section below, which btw is open to anyone who wants to ask questions.Update should be coming in, I just had a huge delay because I forgot it was New Years. But it's almost done. SORRY FOR A DOUBLE A/N, THIS FELT SERIOUS. I'm also immensely sorry if this all means I've mis-tagged the fic all along and that this is all my mistake.See you all in a few hours.

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Panic attacks could be subtle sometimes. They could take shape as a state of shock that others can’t see. Feeling his heart shattering was the only real sensation Yoongi found notable at the moment. He was frozen stiff as Tae spoke to him. The rapper was paying attention and yet missing every word at the same time. This time, however, he was able to follow what Tae was saying even if his mind was running wild.Yoongi had never had to watch someone give up on him before, but that was exactly what he’d been watching for the past hour and a half while Tae ran his livestream. All he could do was watch Tae’s expression the entire time as the realization came to him that an era had ended. It was as though Tae lived through all five stages of grief and reached acceptance. And now, he seemed untouchable. In Yoongi’s eyes, he looked maybe not happy but definitely relieved, as if finally free of a burden that had been weighing him down all this time.It crossed his mind that perhaps all along Yoongi’s grief was for himself, for his own loss. This was more than just a normal fight with Tae, Tae was talking in final terms. He was determined. Things were done between them.A betrayed part of Yoongi wanted to rebut that you can’t just erase family. Before he could, the rapper began to understand Tae’s main point: You can if they were never really family at all.Tae said it in different words, of course.It came as Tae reached the conclusion of his gentle explanation to Yoongi about how they would need a lot of space between them in the upcoming weeks. He made the argument as sensible and friendly as he could, seeming to dance around terms he believed would hurt Yoongi. It wasn’t about Yoongi, Tae claimed, it was just about Tae needing to do what was best for his own mental health and his wellbeing. He’d make it about their ‘dynamic’ and not Yoongi himself.Even if Tae was too nice to be honest about it, Yoongi knew the real meaning behind his words. Yoongi, he himself, was what was bad for Tae’s mental health. He was bad for his wellbeing. He was the problem haunting Tae.Already weak, Yoongi held on tighter to his chair after a specific exchange shook him.“Isn’t there anything I could do to fix things? We can work on this. Maybe we’ve just got to go back to the way things were,” Yoongi had said, unsure of just how desperate he sounded when his adrenaline was rushing as if his life was in danger.“Back to where?” Tae asked back gently. Yoongi could tell just by his tone that Tae was asking for Yoongi’s benefit, as if to illustrate a point that Yoongi needed to understand.The insinuation that there was nowhere to rewind back to for them hit Yoongi like a stab in the gut. The only thing distracting Yoongi from Tae’s words, as Tae continued trying to explain how this was best for both of them, was Yoongi’s desperate attempts to find memories that would prove him wrong.Yoongi couldn’t find memories that proved a trend. He was left only with isolated incidents where he’d been in the mood to handle Tae for a few hours in a rare day. All at once, it was like he was seeing past an illusion for the first time. The band’s dynamics had allowed him to fool himself into thinking he and Tae had made the time and effort to grow a friendship between themselves.But Yoongi couldn’t prove he’d ever made a single effort to that cause.When that finally settled in, he did the best thing he could do for Tae. He sat, he listened, and he decided to accept Tae’s decision regarding what was best for him. It wasn’t what Yoongi wanted. The idea of accepting Taehyung’s point that they shouldn’t be forced to pretend to be best friends was enough to make Yoongi want to hide away and grieve. A few times, it brought Yoongi near tears seeing Tae nearly crack and show how much he was struggling.Tae was right about one thing, Yoongi never listened to him. He may have been listening now, but it was only long enough to hear Tae’s goodbye to forcing a relationship. Yoongi wanted nothing more than to melt into the ground but instead he settled for keeping his mouth shut as Tae wrapped things up.“As I’ve been trying to explain, nothing changes,” Tae said, his tone persuasive as if all he wanted was for Yoongi to give up on him too and let this be easy on the both of them.“Please stop saying that,” Yoongi requested, unintentionally allowing fear in his tone. Tae didn’t even look at him. Tae looked ready to apologize again, which would only serve to make Yoongi feel even more like shit. True to his personality, Tae was here presenting a case on why he needed to cut someone out of his life, but was still worried about hurting that someone’s feelings.“I’ll make sure this doesn’t get inconvenient,” Tae tried again to comfort Yoongi with reassurance that this wouldn’t cause unnecessary burden on him, as if the loss of time or mild discomfort was what was all that was at stake for him to lose.“Inconvenient? ” Yoongi asked, admittedly miserable and incredulous. Tae waited as if to see if Yoongi was planning on saying anything more. The rapper was sure he was still on the verge of a breakdown but Tae seemed almost too tired to mourn the situation. He didn’t seem happy, but he didn’t seem as heartbroken as before. Yoongi wished this could be so easy to accept on his side too.“Thank you for understanding,” Tae said finally. Yoongi really wanted to say he had no other choice but he knew that wouldn’t be fair to say. Tae wasn’t forcing him to do anything, and he’d made his argument clear: being around Yoongi was objectively harmful for him.Yoongi could tell how right he was by how easy it seemed to be for Taehyung to cut him out of his life. The younger man looked stronger and calmer than ever, harboring the resolve Yoongi would have expected from men who’d been through the worst life could throw at them.The rapper couldn’t help spitefully wondering when he became the plague that Taehyung had to cure himself of. How else could someone he cared about so much be so ready to get away from him?“So I can’t say that either?” Jin clarified as Namjoon watched him cautiously. It was as though Namjoon had no faith that he’d really take in the lesson. Hobi began approaching their table in the company break room but neither of the men noticed yet.“No, you can’t. Because-”“Saying ‘gay things’ implies that the behaviors described are only behaviors that can be attributed to gay men.” Namjoon looked impressed.“And that’s wrong because-”“Defining what it is to be a man vs. what it is to be a gay man is inherently a bad thing to do.”“Exactly.”“So how do you describe something that is a tendency or a likely trait of gay men?”“Like what?”“Being a good dresser.”“Plenty of gay people can be terribly dressed. Look at Hollywood red carpets.”“I guess so.”“Look at Tae, he’s an amazing dresser. He’s not gay.”“Mm,” Jin was silent for a few seconds, carefully considering as he swallowed his mouthful of noodles. “I guess you’re right.”“What’s going on?” Hoseok asked finally.Jin tensed and then relaxed. “Baby steps. I’m learning. Namjoon is teaching me gay things-”“Jin, we just talked about-” Namjoon immediately began lecturing only for the eldest to begin sassing him right back.“Ah! I meant we were talking about gay matters, like topics . I wasn’t using that to say ‘gay habits’, I thought there would be a difference!”“There i-” Cutting himself off, Namjoon couldn’t decide if there was a difference.“Case in point, what I was about to ask was why you were learning from Namjoon,” Hobi explained. “Namjoon, you’re not gay.”“Thanks, Hobi.” Hobi blinked. Namjoon scrambled. “Not like it was a compliment. I meant like, thanks for stating the obvious.”“Did Namjoon almost mess up?” Jin asked, desperately ready to celebrate the leader’s failure.“Namjoon isn’t gay, why is he teaching you?” Hobi asked again.Jin and Namjoon looked to each other and shrugged.“We don’t know anyone gay,” Jin explained.“Not anyone that we could call in, anyway,” Namjoon noted.“Unless there’s like….gay interpreters or something?” Jin’s question was genuine but Namjoon buried his head in his hands. “What did I do? Am I just not allowed to say ‘gay’?” Jin asked, too genuinely confused to be exasperated anymore.Hobi was surrounded by idiots. He needed the subject to change.“No camera, Jin? What a surprise,” Hobi said finally, trying to be less bitter but failing. He was still always actively bitter when he first saw Jin these days, but it would only take a few minutes for him to calm down every time. Seeing him and Namjoon try to ‘train’ made things feel a little better though. “What was the camera for, anyway?”Jin nervously looked around. “No one outside of the group chat will see those, I promise.” Still watching the door, he only briefly looked back to Hobi.“Who are they for then?” Hobi hated repeating himself.“Who hasn’t been here all day, Hobi?” Jin prompted, knowing Hobi’s line of questioning was less inquisitive and more confrontational. Hobi didn’t like his upfront reply, so he decided to back down before the dancer could get sassy. “It’s for Yoongi. I feel like he’s going to start shutting everyone out. It’s what he does when he’s mad at people, just usually not us.”“Yoongi went to go meet Sejin,” Namjoon added suddenly, the thought just occurred to him.Hobi was surprised “Didn’t you ask him to wait?”“Yeah, but Sejin called me an hour ago to ask if Yoongi was doing better since he looked sick during their meeting.”Jin could tell this was a two-person conversation that he was not counted in, but he couldn’t help himself.“So Yoongi’s not just pushing, he’s hiding,” he noted, ignoring Hobi’s glare. Jin was doing his best not to bring their ages into this fight, but he was getting so close to snapping at Hobi for his general attitude at a hyung.“And he’s lying,” Namjoon said. “He told me he’d wait.” The other two seemed to have something to say but Namjoon announced the new arrivals behind them in order to keep the older two from revealing anything. “Jimin! Jungkook! Where’s Tae?”“We don’t know,” Jungkook said, shrugging. “Can I have his food?” Without further ado, Jungkook began digging through the takeout boxes to see what he could eat. He looked recently showered.“The gym, again?” Namjoon asked cautiously.“They bumped me up to 7 days a week,” Jungkook answered with chopsticks between his teeth and a rice platter already in hand as he walked to the nearest open seat. Namjoon groaned.“Why don’t you guys tell me anything? That’s too many days,” the leader complained.“Hyung, I’m 21,” Jungkook reminded him. “And I want to do it. Why can’t I?”Namjoon paused just as he was about to snap back. He finally shrugged off his frustration. “I’m just looking out for everyone.”Hoseok couldn’t help butting in. “We know that, but we also all agreed you needed to let us make our own choices for this initiative to work out.” Namjoon nodded, retreating his confrontative stance. “Which is why I really hope Sejin doesn’t know about Tae and Yoongi’s diets,” Hobi finished, pointedly looking at Namjoon for an answer.Namjoon didn’t answer.“Sejin’s back?” Jimin asked happily. “Tae will be thrilled.”“Where’s Tae?” Namjoon asked. With a full mouth, Jungkook reached out a hand and shook it to signal that they not message him.“I’m already eating his food,” Jungkook warned. Jimin rolled his eyes a little too strongly.“Where’s Yoongi?” Namjoon continued, looking around the break room for his stuff. “He didn’t say he’d miss dinner. We ordered for him.”“He missed lunch too,” Jimin noted bitterly.“Oh, don’t worry. We didn’t do lunch,” Jungkook said helpfully.Jimin licked his lips and continued staring down at his phone. “I know. He and I were supposed to though.”“Lunch?” Namjoon asked, surprised anyone was meeting with Yoongi at all. “How did you even convince him to do that?”Jimin had to make a choice. Repeat a bad choice he made earlier in the day that he regretted later, or tell the truth in full. It wasn’t difficult to make the choice, but it did hurt a little executing it.“Lamb skewers,” Jimin answered, knowing it would be the best excuse and it would be consistent. “I told him we could cheat his diet with lamb skewers.”Jungkook snorted.“Yeah right. He wouldn’t go without me,” the smiley maknae said proudly, almost rubbing it in the other hyung’s faces too that he had a cute ritual with Yoongi.Jimin hated how easily that got to him. He hated everything about the situation he’d just put himself in, because there was never any chance that Jungkook wouldn’t say something like that, but it still wasn’t enough of an excuse for Jimin to do what he did.It was like watching it happen to someone else.“Maybe he doesn’t think about it like that,” Jimin blurted out, his tone casual.His own heart sank. This wasn’t even about Jimin’s feelings. Yoongi was Jungkook’s favorite hyung, close together since he was a child.Jimin began wondering what would ever have made himself think those words were worth it.Namjoon didn’t seem to notice Jimin’s words were intentionally hurtful, so he only reached out and patted Jungkook’s shoulder. “He was probably just desperate because of the diet. We’ll all take you to lamb skewers too, Jungkook,” Namjoon said, gesturing to the group.Jimin refused to look up at Jungkook’s face, afraid to see what he’d done. He could tell by Jin and Hoseok’s startled nods of agreement that he’d fucked up severely.Things only got worse when Jungkook explained his own intense reaction. “He must be mad at me,” the maknae said finally, his voice quiet. When Jimin gave in and looked, Jungkook’s eyes were firmly set on Tae’s rice portion. “I tried to greet him today and he got upset with me. He wouldn’t even let me come near him.”“I missed him today,” he said. Jungkook had this magic of making any hyungs around him sympathize instantly, or to make them deal with their own feelings more immediately. Unfortunately for everyone at that table, with this line they had to handle both reactions at once.Hoseok took a seat next to Jungkook and wrestled the maknae into a hug by bullying and threatening him until he accepted his love. The laughter from the exchange cured all hearts except Jimin’s. Jimin was finally starting to understand what Tae was scared about when Jimin admitted to wanting to be with Yoongi.Looking down, Hoseok noticed the tan under Jungkook’s eyes compared abnormally to the tan of the rest of his face. While Jungkook was resting in Hobi’s loose grip with his eyes closed, Hobi swabbed a finger across his under eyelid. Jungkook’s eyes popped open but it was too late for him to do anything. He looked around - no one was watching them.Observing the residue on his finger, Hobi realized it was just as he suspected. His jaw clenched as he deliberated on what to do next.“Jungkook, I’m going to come visit you before bed tonight,” Hobi said sweetly, so that no one would think his words were worth paying attention to.After talking to Tae and sulking out in his office for a few hours, Yoongi hurried down the hall like his life depended on it to sneak some food out of the break room. Passing the dance room, Yoongi didn’t see Hoseok coming out of it when he hurried down the hall. As Hobi stopped him by the wrist and then grabbed him by the shoulders, he forcefully moved him until Yoongi had his back against the wall. Hobi stood a few inches in front of Yoongi. Propping an arm on the wall to stop Yoongi from slipping out, Hoseok’s entire pose demanded attention to his intense gaze. Yoongi couldn’t help it-“That was really hot,” he noted, as if just to ask Hobi if he noticed just how suggestive that experience was. It had startled Yoongi completely out of his upset. Meanwhile, Hoseok had been so centered on stopping Yoongi to find out what was wrong that it took him a few seconds to register the change of subject. Instead of laughing with Yoongi, Hobi got incredulous as his cheeks went red.“Don’t start,” he said, trying to stay intimidating. “What’s wrong? What happened?” Yoongi couldn’t help but stare at Hoseok for a second. His eyes were intense, his nostrils flaring, his adrenaline levels clearly high. His best friend was really standing there ready to pounce on whoever had made Yoongi upset. He looked dark like he was willing to force a name out of Yoongi if he had to. Yet in his eyes, it was like his world was in shatters until he found a way to make it all better.Yoongi didn’t know how he deserved such a dramatic, beautiful protector, but he actively cursed whoever brought Hoseok to him because he thought Namjoon brought him enough years of wanting to kiss his best friend whenever he did something cute unintentionally. Then came Hoseok, Hoseok was just as risky and sometimes worse too. Because Hoseok was always either unintentionally cute or intentionally cute, this twice as dangerous. And worst of all, he and Hoseok never had a falling out that helped numb the attraction over.No, Yoongi became doomed to years and years of peaceful, perfect friendship with a man who lived to make him think inappropriate thing in moments that were otherwise wholesome.“I said stop that!” Hoseok protested, blushing. Yoongi caught himself staring at Hobi’s lips while biting his own. He was so lucky Hobi took it as an intentional joke.“Sorry. It’s just - well, we talked about you flirting with me,” Yoongi blamed the issue on Hoseok.Hoseok, defeated, stood up straight and put a hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. “Why are you upset?”“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you when we’re home, okay?” Yoongi just didn’t feel like having a breakdown while at Big Hit.Jin came out of the dance room and while Yoongi knew he should be in any other mindset, he almost needed a fight to pick. “Why the camera work today, Jin?”Hoseok seemed to play the part of his conscience, wanting to stop him but instead just watching in horror. Yoongi wanted to tell Jin to stop trying to get through to him. He wanted to tell him off for caring so much about his feelings all of a sudden when he made it clear he didn’t care what he did to Yoongi.“Shouldn’t we be keeping our heads low? The company already knows about our little shoot yesterday. Maybe we could use less cameras around.” Jin also seemed to understand Yoongi deserved to act as angry as he wanted. He didn’t even flinch, he just waited and listened. It reminded Yoongi of how he just sat and took it as Tae rewrote their history as meaningless.“I could stop if you want me to,” Jin offered.“Why don’t you answer my question first?” Yoongi nearly flinched at his own tone.Hobi definitely flinched. “We’re focusing on preparing for the upcoming variety show appearances all week,” Hobi explained. “Jin doesn’t have a lot to prepare so the team thought it would be fun to do more casual versions of Bangtan Bombs so something can be edited together and put up every day. We thought it might mean less official episode shoots for us. Great idea, right?”Yoongi hated knowing that the calming tone was being used for his sake.Jin couldn’t seem to help himself as he tried to pursue feedback. “Have you seen any of the shots? Are they any good?”“I haven’t seen them,” Yoongi lied, retreating peacefully knowing that he’d lost this exchange because Jin wasn’t able to be provoked. Not as easily as Yoongi thought, anyway.Yoongi started walking into the dance room just to move away from this interaction when he saw Jin take a step to follow him. Daring to ask another question, it was really like Jin wasn’t controlling his own actions.“Um- Y-Yoongi. Sorry. What’s your diet?” Yoongi turned around, confused. “Like can you tell me?”“Why?”“I’ll be cooking all week,” Jin said, trying to sound enthusiastic, “I can try and find a good recipe for your food. I already have ideas for Tae’s cereal. Though with him, it was more about trying to make it so he could play with his food and making it colorful.” Jin just kept rambling. Yoongi hated how much he wished he could smile about both Tae and Jin.“Tomorrow,” he finally said before storming his way into the dance room, not wanting to linger.As soon as he entered, he was greeted by the view of seeing Jungkook and Jimin, backs facing the mirror only a few inches away, trying to sync a move where they shook their butts.Yoongi couldn’t even call it hip shaking or moving their hips side to side, it looked like their butts were intentionally popped out as the object of focus as their hips moved just to make viewers’ eyes follow.A really, really childish part of Yoongi voiced the thought that his life was parodying itself at this point, he was sure of it. That joke made him immediately collapse into hysterical laughs.“Wow,” he called at them from the door. He saw Jimin and Jungkook both blushed when they saw him, but Jimin’s smile faded instantly. It was a good reminder that he needed to apologize for missing lunch.“Hyung! We missed you at dinner,” Jungkook said, friendly but clearly blushing from being caught looking compromising.“Missed you at lunch too,” Jimin said, the hint in his tone kind enough that it made Yoongi feel worse. He needed Jimin to be angry. Him being understanding was even worse.“Yeah, sorry,” he replied, eyes on Jimin to make sure the dancer picked up his sincerity. “I’ll explain later.” Jimin just smiled and tried to fix the collar of Yoongi’s shirt.“You look messy,” Jimin noted.“Were you in a fight?” Jungkook asked. As Yoongi turned his attention to him, he could Jungkook still felt guilty about their earlier interaction.“Hoseok tried to make out with me,” Yoongi explained away casually, counting two seconds before Hobi’s protest came.“You were the one leaning in,” Hoseok accused back. Yoongi nearly blushed because he realized that must have been what he was doing when Hobi snapped him out of his stare.”I guess I’ll never know,” Jungkook said, defeated because he knew they’d never give full context to their joke.“Having a soulmate sounds so exhausting,” Jimin concluded. Jungkook agreed just before they went back to the mirrors. Yoongi noticed Jimin didn’t show any jealousy about his and Hobi’s connection or joke. That gave him a certain kind of hope, a hope that he knew he would inevitably have to give up. He had already been prepared to give it up at lunch today, if he hadn’t lost a friendship in exchange.“W-what are you doing?” he asked as he tried to push the thought away. He had to make it through the work day. The others acted like he should have already known what they were up to.They had a few variety show appearances coming up, he knew that already. He didn’t understand why that would mean learning the moves he’d just seen.“We’re learning a few girl routines to show off,” Jungkook said finally. “Starting with the classics.”Ah.The routine was revealed as one of the newest routines for the girl group they usually turned to for the latest variety show routine. They had friends in the girl group, one was a new friend of Jin’s but the other one was an old classmate of Hoseok’s from their dance school.“You know whose part I’m taking,” Hoseok said, happy as he obviously took his friend’s role in the dance.“Aren’t there 5 of them?” Yoongi asked. The dancers were only three.“Tae fought Jungkook to be the maknae, but he’s not here for some reason.” Yoongi swallowed hard.“Who’s the visual?”“Namjoon’s going to try and learn the routine with us.” Yoongi managed to laugh.“Dear god. Was he here? Do you have it on video?”“Yes,” Jin contributed simply as the dancers laughed just at the memory. They all began explaining the different times Namjoon threw off the dance and what led to his ultimate stormout after getting it wrong too many times.“We need to have a talk about harmful gossip,” Namjoon announced from the door, silencing all of them. “And I was right! You saw the video, it’s butt-shake on count 4, not 5!” Yoongi laughed but the dancers descended into a full on debate over who had been the one to mistake the cue.Even with six of them in the room, him and his five best friends, he could feel the empty void, a space reserved for one more. Tae may have thought it would be easy to stop looking for each other to fill that space, but Yoongi wasn’t so sure. He had a place in his bubble for one more and that wasn’t just going to go away when he knew Tae should always have been on that list to begin with.Jin laughed loudly at something that Yoongi had missed, shaking Yoongi out of his thoughts. “Are you just secretly hoping your crush hears about this?” Turning, he saw Jin was talking to Hobi.The rest of the band had returned to the routine. As much as he wanted to watch Namjoon learn to shake his popped butt in sync with the maknae line, he couldn’t help listening in on Jin’s crush talk.“She’s not my crush, we’re old friends,” Hobi repeated himself politely. Yoongi couldn’t help a snort. Jin laughed, walking away having thought that Yoongi was agreeing with him that Hobi was lying. Hobi turned to Yoongi.“I don’t have a crush on her,” he repeated, confused. Yoongi could tell Hobi was about to insist that he would have told Yoongi if he had a crush.Yoongi couldn’t help another compromising smile.“What?” Hobi asked.“I know you don’t, Hobi. Obviously.”“Oh.” Hobi was suddenly a little unsettled. “What do you mean obviously ?” Yoongi flattened his smile a bit and shrugged before he tried to look very concentrated as he watched Jin record the dancers working in front of the mirror. “Yoongi?”“She’s just not your type , that’s all,” Yoongi said. He gave Hobi a bit of a teasing smile before stepping away to see what Jin’s phone was managing to catch on video.Yoongi’s way home was quiet as he took a car alone so he could go home a little earlier than the others. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and just sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He should have known he wouldn’t get his wish.Laying there awake, Yoongi checked his phone only to see it’d totaled two hours that he lied awake, unable to sleep or take advantage of the extra time he’d had.The conversation with Tae lingered on his mind, a fresh enough pain to give him chills. This bed felt like an ice bath from how often he’d start to pull himself up just as a violent reaction to the thoughts rushing through his mind.Deciding it was important for him to know what he missed, just to find out if there was something else at play that he didn’t see before, Yoongi convinced himself it was a good idea to watch Tae’s livestream in case maybe something else had set him off. He was desperate to find some way that things could just change overnight.Instead, he subjected himself to a reminder of just who Tae plainly was at the end of the day: subtle, sweet, kind, patient- Soon Yoongi was just listing to himself all that he was losing in the deal they’d made today.There was no part of Yoongi’s mind that doubted that he’d be closer to Taehyung today if he’d just given him a chance. Nothing about this was about them not getting along, about Yoongi not liking him, about their personalities clashing. Yoongi used to be at his most relaxed around Taehyung, once upon a time.Now he was watching him on a screen and wondering if moments like these would be the closest they’d get ever again.“Best advice you’ve ever gotten?” Tae leaned in and read the question out in English. He considered it before answering back in English.“My dad told me once….when I was a child. Your…..” Taehyung couldn’t think of the right word but it seemed important to him. “Opinion! Your opinion of yourself is one of the most important things.” Yoongi hated how proud he felt in this moment. Tae was struggling and working his way through it, but for the first time since he started, he explained himself in Korean too. “There will be times where what you think about yourself will be all you have.” He thought about something. Tae glanced in the direction of where Yoongi had been sitting.Tae had an almost friendly smile on his face, as if it was a peace offering. Yoongi could remember seeing this during the livestreaming and being confused because he was too scared to follow the livestream. Tae continued, now looking at the camera again.He continued in English. “Another is that you won’t know what you think of yourself until you…...get out. Um, meet people. Love. Pain. Hurt.” He didn’t seem to know the words he wanted but this seemed to suffice.Tae luckily never checked to see if Yoongi understood the reference in the moment, he just read from the chat.In English again, he said “Someone wrote ‘is that what it means to love yourself?’.” He tried to think. “I don’t think so, sorry. I guess…...I mean,” he waited a long time to find the right words, then he swept his hands out to match the quote he came up with. “You have to learn to ‘choose yourself.’”Reading the comments, Yoongi was just so happy to see Taehyung receiving the love he deserved, but it only took seconds until he couldn’t see the comments through his own tears. He knew who Tae was quoting, he knew where those words about getting out in the world were from.It was as thought Tae was leaving him a ‘goodbye’ gift for their friendship. The realization that it felt like a ‘thank you’ too had Yoongi broken to the furthest extent. He was shaking so hard that it felt like something in him was dying.The memory haunted him as he closed his eyes. He’d never had to cry over a happy memory before. 
June 2016
Maybe even back then Yoongi and Tae didn’t get a lot of time together, but he knew for a fact that he spread time between the three maknaes evenly. Things just weren’t simple enough at the time for Yoongi to be able to give too much solo time to each of the band maknaes. These brief little glimpses of free time were all the maknaes were ever going to get out of him. They all knew that’s how this worked.He hated how that made him sound like a neglectful hyung.It had been days since Yoongi finished shooting the music videos to go with his mixtape. Exhausted, he stayed in a comatose state of never moving from bed for anything. The band even indulged this by bringing him his meals and occasionally doing favors to keep him from leaving his room. He’d dare anyone to name better bandmates than his.As if this resting period couldn’t get any better, the maknae line even took turns visiting him from time to time. All except Tae came, since Tae was busy a lot lately for reasons no one in the band seemed to fully understand. He’d visit sometimes only to get up and uncomfortably mutter something about ‘acting’ lessons when he’d have to leave Yoongi’s veg session early.Yoongi received the final cut of the ‘Agust D’ music video. Upon seeing the screencap, he knew exactly who needed to see it first. Before any of the rappers, before anyone in his family, he thought of his alter ego’s biggest supporter since before Agust D ever existed.Yoongi barged into Tae’s room unannounced, startling the second youngest band member by reaching over to practically tackle him. He almost completely missed that Tae was sitting in front of a mirror staring at himself intently. He was startled the moment Yoongi started to attack.“Ah! Hyung, what did I do?” Tae asked as Yoongi dramatically tried to pull him off the floor and pull him up by the waist. “I’m kidnapping you,” Yoongi announced, trying to pick up the taller man in a comedic effort. Even if it was always meant to fail in practice, it didn’t fail to make the maknae laugh.“I’m busy, hyung,”“Look, maknae visual, your face will still be pretty when we get back,”Tae didn’t answer for some reason, though he usually would laugh and disagree with Yoongi calling him ‘pretty’. Tae still hadn’t learned to accept compliments. This time, however, he just didn’t even seem to notice Yoongi had said it. If anything, he just looked distracted.“I really do have work,” he explained nervously. “Is it quick?”“It can be as quick or as long as you want, just come!” Yoongi encouraged him. They quickly rushed back to his room as Yoongi turned on his laptop.“If this is a prank-”“This is the final cut of Agust D ,” Yoongi announced proudly. Tae gasped melodramatically. His fanboy mode activated as if he wasn’t actually standing right in front of the artist in question. Yoongi loved that about Tae. While Yoongi didn’t feel like he was anything worth fussing about, he had a lot of pride in his work. Aside from being one of his best friends, Tae was always his work’s biggest fan. “It’s only the first one, Give It To Me isn’t done yet.” He started pulling up the video as Tae very eagerly took a seat next to Yoongi and shamelessly slid the laptop so he’d have a perfect view. “I haven’t even watched this yet, I just felt like I should call you over first.”“You waited for me?” Tae asked, his eyes lighting up. It was like talking to a living emoji. Tae’s face was getting as expressive as it was sharp. Even when Tae wasn’t trying to be particularly cute, it was as though he was pulling out a practiced routine of how to melt a hyung’s heart. Yoongi rolled his eyes at the younger man’s dramatics, though he was grateful. There was no one else he’d rather be seeing this video with. This felt better than it would seeing it with the full group. There were so few moments he and Tae could have privately but this felt like the perfect time.And he’d never been slapped so much in his life.As if he wasn’t actively watching the video with Tae, Taehyung called for him, slapped his arm, punched his shoulder, shook him, pointed at the screen, anything he could just to react to what was happening on screen.Yoongi’d never heard anyone in the band boast about his visual for so long. Yoongi rarely accepted compliments about appearances. He figured maybe Tae never said enough to him about his visuals that Yoongi still hadn’t scoffed at him to show him he wasn’t one to take flattery. And now Tae seemed to be perfectly comfortable telling him how much every shot looked amazing. He nearly screeched at some of the particularly rude lyrics, hollering with laughter whenever the song got confrontative.As soon as the video ended, Tae immediately pressed the replay button. “Hey!”“One more time, hyung?” he asked excitedly. Cute.“Fine, but that’s it. I don’t like seeing my face too long,” Yoongi joked.“The fans are going to go crazy. Oh - and hyung? Please send it to me. I want to learn it.”“Learn what?”“The song. I love it.” Tae’s hand gestures were somehow more energetic than he was now. “I always knew they would come out great but I’m so happy for you. Everyone’s going to be learning it.”“I’ll just teach it to you,” Yoongi offered, flattered that Tae was so honest about his work.“Yeah, right,” Tae joked. Yoongi frowned suddenly.“What?” Tae straightened up as if he hadn’t expected Yoongi to misunderstand.“Nothing, you just….forget a lot.”“Forget?”“Sometimes, when you say you’ll do something. It’s nothing big, hyung, just send me the video.” Yoongi thought hard on what he was saying.“Like what?” Tae was confused. “What else have I forgotten?”“Oh, just….” The worst part about this wait was that Yoongi could tell Tae had a few answers but clearly was trying to withhold. He made a face when Tae stalled for too long. “I guess the Netflix account. You said you’d get us one when we debuted if we all made it through.”“I can get you a Netflix account.”“No, hyung, we don’t need the account. We know you were just being cute.”“I would have gotten the account if I remembered.”“We know that.”“What else did I forget?”“I loved your video, hyung,” Tae concluded, a kind smile on his face. Yoongi decided Tae was right to try and keep the moment pleasant. “I want to stay and watch it longer but I should get back to practicing.”“Practicing?” Yoongi laughed, suddenly remembering that he had caught Tae staring himself in the mirror.Watching Tae grow into a heartbreaker was just fun for Yoongi. This was the same dork who couldn’t talk to women when they all went to America who now could unknowingly raise an eyebrow on camera and be blamed for piercing screams from women of all ages. Yoongi couldn’t help but cackle at the idea of all the band’s new maknae visuals. It was such an interesting concept to him because he never thought he’d stop seeing them as children.Jungkook, Tae, and Jimin were growing into their faces so handsomely. Yoongi could only be amused as they became the fan favorites with their awkward smiles and shy winks making girls swoon across the country.Tae seemed hesitant as he tried to consider an idea. “Could you teach me how to do what you did there?” he said, pointing at the laptop screen to the Agust D video.“What I did?”“You looked great in that video.” Tae looked mortified just in trying to explain. “The managers asked me to look sexy for our next video-”“Are you trying to put Jin out of a job?” Yoongi joked, mostly to avoid the fact that Tae accused him of looking sexy. Yoongi was really, really not one for compliments.Tae looked a little sick. “That’s what Jin said too.”Yoongi didn’t understand why Tae was taking that so hard. It was obviously a joke. Tae seemed to read his mind. Yoongi nudged him with his elbow, encouraging him to speak.  “The managers say things around him sometimes. I think they make him nervous. He usually makes jokes about it but-“ The worst part about hearing about Tae’s struggles was that he always thought he was being unreasonable even if his fears were reasonable. “One day, they were talking about making me the visual and I think it upset him.”Yoongi wanted to be excited for Tae about the news but he could tell where Jin was coming from. “A band can have two visuals.”“Not this one,” Tae said stubbornly, his voice firm. Yoongi was occasionally made very aware of how much the maknaes had grown. This was definitely one of those moments. Tae wasn’t looking for comfort, he was looking for solutions. “Jin is our visual. I’m not interested.”Yoongi nodded in support. “So why do you want to learn to look like that on camera?”“They gave me a part in our next video. I have to play with some kind of silk or something and look-“ Tae cringed, reminding Yoongi that he’d never act his age. “ Sexy .”“Taehyung, you are 21,” Yoongi retorted, unable to hold back a small laugh.“I will need to practice.”“Just do what you always do.” Tae looked at himself as if looking for the answer before looking back to Yoongi, confused. Yoongi rolled his eyes, unwilling to believe Tae’s confusion. “You can’t tell me all of that is unintentional.”Tae was exasperated. “The managers said that too. I’m really never trying to act sexy. Sometimes there’s a face or some move that I can do that fans get really crazy about, but I really don’t get it.”“You don’t get it?”“I look in the mirror and it’s still me, you know?” Yoongi shook his head, officially lost. He always knew Tae was the most confusing of the maknaes, but today he was being very particular. “Sometimes I just can’t tell things changed.”Recognizing how sad that last note was, Yoongi tensed a bit and prompted Tae to continue. “Tae, what are you going on about?” Tae looked ready to leave, prepping to give an excuse to go. “What changed?” Tae pressed his lips together. “You know you can tell me anything, Taehyung. I won’t even tell the others if you don’t want me to.”“No one used to like me,” Tae said finally. “No one. And I know you’re going to say I’m wrong, hyung, but you know I’m right. For the first - what, year and a half? No one cared. I was the last one in the band and I almost didn’t even get in. They didn’t even want to announce me until debut. The fans hated me - and please hyung don’t tell me that I’m wrong-” Tae said just as Yoongi had open his mouth to protest. “It’s just true. No one cared who I was, even when they got a chance to know me.”Yoongi kept his mouth shut, knowing Tae needed to vent. It didn’t sound like this was something he’d shared even with Jimin. Tae was watching the ground, defeated like this had been hanging over his head for years.“What do you think changed?” Yoongi prompted finally when Tae got too lost in thought.“Nothing.” He reconsidered. “My face, I guess.” He squinted his eyes like it was still hard for him to believe. He was watching the air between them as if it would give him the answers he was looking for, as if he knew Yoongi wouldn’t have all of the answers but he was suddenly comfortable sharing anyway. Yoongi already hated where this was going, he could already feel his heart breaking, but he knew he owed it to Tae to listen to him.“People started telling me I look good, then the compliments just never stopped. Suddenly, it was all people seemed to notice anymore. Even just meeting people on the street, they’ll stare and get nervous just if I talk to them. Girls were suddenly less comfortable talking to me than I was with them, though some others would just get aggressive. And I started getting away with everything. When I was breaking rules with the others, sometimes I’d be the only one who didn’t get in trouble. Jungkook and Jimin used to hate me for that actually.”Tae chuckled as if trying to find something funny about it all. He got lost in thought again, but recovered without Yoongi having to bring him back. It was like the story got worse and worse in Tae’s head than he was willing to admit to.“It was like the entire world changed. It’s so hard to find anyone who I used to know that doesn’t actively treat me better now than they used to.”“Tae-” Yoongi started, not even knowing how he was going to finish that sentence if he hadn’t even been interrupted. He just wanted to show Tae he was horrified for him.“I know I sound full of myself,” Tae said apologetically, a sweet smile creeping up. Yoongi could tell by the look in his eyes that it hurt Tae to talk about this. “I don’t know, it’s been a while since I felt like anyone could see me.” Yoongi wished he had been paying attention when this happened to Tae, wished he could have done something to help. Instead of lingering too much on what-ifs, he did what he had to do to be a better hyung now.Yoongi put an arm around Taehyung’s shoulder and Tae pressed his lips together like he was holding something back. Yoongi felt like he could already cry on Taehyung’s behalf, so he was surprised the younger man wasn’t crying.“We see you,” he reminded Tae.Tae looked bittersweet. “Sometimes it feels a little like you guys are the only ones I can trust.” Yoongi knew that that world would be too small to be healthy for Tae.As usual, Yoongi knew what he had to do to cheer him up. “You know, I may be old but I know a thing or two about looking good on camera.” He smiled when Tae immediately lifted his head in excitement.“Clearly!” Tae echoed. Yoongi did his best not to get flustered over the sincerity of that compliment. “So you’ll teach me?”“We’re family, Tae.” Tae hugged Yoongi. Yoongi did his best not to squirm from how sweet it was. “That’s what family does.” The joke was lame but Tae certainly laughed.This was the moment he realized he and Tae could be much closer than they already were. The boy wasn’t weird after all, just complex. He was interesting in a way that Yoongi had never thought of. He saw the world in a way that Yoongi never thought about. Behind the good looks, Tae was very smart.The sheer fact that it took Yoongi so long to notice all of this was evidence that Tae was completely right about the world. Even Yoongi made some assumptions based off of looks, and he was one of the people Tae trusted most not to do that to him.“Do me a favor, though,” Yoongi asked, not ready to be responsible for Tae’s entire world.“Anything, hyung, anything,” Tae said so enthusiastically that it made Yoongi’s heart swell a little. He couldn’t help thinking back to what Tae said about only having the band. “Use it and get yourself a date, maybe?” he suggested. “Or five, ten? Just get out there. Make new friends too. For me?” Tae looked confused. “The band will always be here for you but we can’t be your entire world.” “New people are scary and...well, dating is hard,” Tae said immediately. Tae was about to elaborate when Yoongi gave him a look like he’d already just explained himself.“Just get those dates. Find them. Fall in love, get hurt, hate my guts for this advice, but feel something, Taehyung. This band cannot be your entire world. Or you’ll never know how you feel about yourself.”This made something click in Tae’s mind. He slowly became optimistic as the seconds passed, as it all registered in his mind.“Sure.” Tae seemed resolved and happy, like everything was suddenly making sense. “Just one question-”“Anything,” Yoongi said, expecting Tae to say something as meaningful as these last few minutes proved likely.“Are you available?” Tae asked.“Available for wha-” Tae winked suggestively at Yoongi before he could finish his question. Yoongi realized what he meant. “Dear god-” Yoongi was unable to finish from smiling at the way Taehyung laughed and pointed at his reaction and the face he’d made.“Did it work? Was I sexy?” Tae asked jokingly as he clutched Yoongi’s door frame for support from all the laughter.“You might not have to worry about that face for long, Tae,” he said, getting up from his chair and trying to pull on his shoes. “You may be tall but I can still reach it when I’m kicking your ass-”“Thank you, hyung!” Tae called out behind himself as he ran away, knowing very well that Yoongi would chase him if he didn’t get out fast enough.Yoongi was aware at the time that it wouldn’t be the first time that Tae would make that kind of joke with him. He just didn’t think there would be a time where it did work.Really, Yoongi didn’t know just how screwed he was until the teasing winks and suggestive gazes and even just eye contact with Tae would become too much. He didn’t know how bad things were until he stopped being a hyung because he needed thoughts of Tae to be as removed as he could make them. Yoongi had no way of knowing that starting to fall in love with Kim Taehyung would cost him his entire friendship with him.Things weren’t supposed to go so far. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay, Kookie?” Hoseok had his arms wrapped around Jungkook’s neck in an almost suffocating hold intended to make him uncomfortable. As Jungkook pulled away, Hobi put all his weight into it. Jungkook’s face cracked with a wide smile as his warmest hyung practically tried to pull himself off the floor just to kiss Jungkook’s neck.Faking a disgusted face, he took on the affection as the familiar touch came. Hobi was always so comforting that his plan of coming to Jungkook’s room to force him to sleep might have worked. Sure, it was different getting affection from Yoongi, but Hoseok had been Jungkook’s comfort in the worst of times when all of their bandmates were too busy to be able to help. Being a young teen in the music industry was a miserable fate. To this day, Jungkook wasn’t sure how he’d made it through and he’d disassociated himself from most of the struggles that had come with the experience.All he could remember easily about that struggle was how whenever he needed someone to cry to, he had Hobi. Hobi was there to help him make it to the next day every time.“Are you sure I can’t stay?” he asked again. Hoseok had a way to make saying good night turn into a 10 minute affair. When Jungkook went to bed, he needed everyone to be looking away so he could sneak into Yoongi’s room. Between never wanting to stop talking to Hobi, easily getting pulled into talking about another issue, or just general tomfoolery, Jungkook and Hobi were hard to separate.“Nowadays, I’m really bad at sleeping with other people in the room,” Jungkook repeated.“You’ll never get a girlfriend with that attitude,” Hoseok teased. Jungkook did his best not to let his smile become forced or awkward as he pretended to laugh at that joke.“Don’t remind me,” he teased back.“Call me if you can’t sleep,” his hyung reminded him. “I’ll leave my phone on.” Jungkook waited by his door with a smile, watching until Hobi shut himself in his room. Waiting a few minutes, soon Jungkook raced himself to Yoongi’s room as quietly as he could. He didn’t knock, knowing the door would be unlocked for him since they’d agreed to meet previously.Jungkook was walking in fully expecting to have to give his apology right away, so it surprised him to see Yoongi was seemingly asleep, mostly covered by a blanket while wearing headphones on, clutching his phone. Closing the door behind himself and locking it, Jungkook tried to walk quietly as he made his way to the other side of the bed.Keeping his eyes on Yoongi’s face, he finally noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks. His eyes weren’t just closed, they were clamped shut.“Hyung?” Jungkook asked panicked. He put a light hand at Yoongi’s waist just to see if he’d open his eyes. Instead, Yoongi curled up into himself as his quiet sobbing continued. He didn’t say a word or push Jungkook away, he just shut himself in his head and cried as his body shook uncontrollably.“Hyung, are you okay?” Jungkook asked, only barely remembering Yoongi wouldn’t be able to hear him over the headphones. He got into the bed with Yoongi if only to wrap a full arm around his waist, hugging him to see if it would make him talk. Yoongi didn’t reject the touch, but he just broke down further as he melted into it. Automatically, Jungkook pulled up the covers and laid down next to him, holding him as tightly as he could and trying to move him so that he’d relax.“What happened?” he asked, hoping Yoongi would answer at least once. Jungkook could feel himself getting worked up just out of panic. He’d never seen Yoongi cry like this. He almost felt like he had to call Hoseok or someone to come help. Once that thought occurred to him, he couldn’t come up with anything else. “I’ll get help-”Yoongi turned and as Jungkook adjusted to make him more comfortable, Yoongi buried his head in Jungkook’s shoulder. This made things clearer. Yoongi needed him to stay.“O-or not. Whatever you need Yoongi,” he said as he held his hyung tighter. “I’m not going anywhere. Remember that.” He brushed Yoongi’s hair back out of his face and pretended not to notice how red his eyes had gone. His hyung looked beaten down, like the last of his energy was being used on these tears.“We’re going to sleep now, okay?” Jungkook said, knowing at this rate that he was talking to himself. “We’ll turn off the lights, get under the blankets, and we’ll just sleep. And it’s like you say to me all the time, things will be better in the morning. I’ll be here the whole time, okay?”As Jungkook tried to pick what arm to reach for the light with, Yoongi suddenly nodded in response to his last question. Jungkook’s heart stopped. Yoongi had really been listening.Trying to shut off the light, he hoped the dark would hide his surprise. Looking down, he saw Yoongi’s lit phone screen in the dark before he saw Yoongi quickly move to turn it off and unplug the headphones. Jungkook felt frozen in place suddenly until Yoongi stopped moving and finally settled in. Yoongi’s head on Jungkook’s chest, Jungkook almost willed his heartbeat to be silent if it meant Yoongi would sleep better.As Jungkook realized he’d have to stay now, he tried to make himself relax. As much as he wanted to love the way that Yoongi wanted him there when his heart was broken, wanted to be happy that he needed him, instead his own heart was torn into pieces and made into dust.Sure, the aching started from seeing the love of his life crying like their heart was irreparably broken.The heartbreak was not sealed, though, until Jungkook realized that he had just seen the love of his life crying clutching a phone with his best friend’s image on it.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Yoongi learned to hate love songs.

Maybe he’d always know that love could be beautiful, pure, and untouched by pain in theory. However, in practice, he knew better than to expect he was likely going to experience something like that for at least a painfully long time. Today, he’d probably tell you he won’t know what love will actually look like for him until after BTS stops existing. It’s impossible to know your heart when it used to beat for all six of your best friends at some point in the past seven years, sometimes at the same time, sometimes maybe for all of them at once, and sometimes so hard it pushed him to want to make a drastic decision about his career.

The last of these came up a few times. It wasn’t like him to think in such extremes, especially not about a career that he’d worked his whole life for. Love, however, can make anyone stupid. His mother had warned him about that. His love for music had him on a path toward a miserable life ahead if this band hadn’t work out. Love led him to a lot of questionable decisions that he’d come to regret later.

Yoongi couldn’t explain what had possessed him to think it was a good idea at the time, but there did come a time at Big Hit where Yoongi was ready to say “I love you” to Kim Namjoon.

And he got so, so close.

His friend would have been ill-prepared. Yoongi hadn’t so much as told him he was interested in men, told him he had any feelings at all, or even let on that anything was off in their friendship. In his eyes, the sincerity and honesty would somehow trigger his success, regardless of what a realistic outcome was more likely to be.

To be fair to himself, Yoongi always had to remind himself that he just wasn’t from a family that ever broke down the realities of love not being as powerful a word as most hopefuls would believe.  Love could not cure all ails. Being that Yoongi didn’t hear the word enough growing up, he didn’t really get that reality check when it was due. From his view, love was almost something too precious for his parents to talk to him about after a certain age. To hear the words, one had to be in the most specific and grandiose of situations. The improbability of running into these situations made Yoongi believe that everyone was longing to hear the words as much as he did. As a child, his friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends, did little to fix his perception. He grew up continuing to believe the words were magical just because no one would say them.

It wasn’t that he just woke up one morning and thought that it would be the perfect time to confess his love to Namjoon. There were factors in this that had really convinced Min Yoongi that this wasn’t a total test of luck. Years into their friendship now, Namjoon and Yoongi knew they were in their final stretch as the final round of trainees came in before Big Hit announced they’d make their final decisions.

As much as he was acting too much like an optimist lately, it wasn’t as though Yoongi had just fabricated the idea that he and Namjoon’s time had finally come. They had been spending almost all of their time together and Yoongi thought that their chemistry alone spoke for how well they would work together. Even if he’d never expressed interest in men before, Yoongi had to be suspicious about Namjoon. He had to be. If discounting all of the other signs that gave him away as a non-heterosexual man, then at its most obvious was the way he’d talk about romance that wasn’t all about revolving around the idea of a man and a woman. The boy defended gay people in a way Yoongi was jaded enough by now to know was almost always going to be defenses from a gay person. Even Yoongi himself had learned to keep his mouth shut on the matter. He needed to make it out there in the real world and openness about his sexuality wasn’t going to get him that likelihood of survival. Not in Daegu, not even in Seoul.

Then there was the song he found. Titled ‘Two Years’, the song was a rough draft he’d found sitting on the floor of their dorm. Featuring words like ‘hidden away’, ‘just the two of us’, ‘willing to risk my everything’, from what Yoongi could interpret, the song was a love story where the singer was willing to lose all they’d worked for the past two years just for the chance to pursue something else they’d found along the way.

There was no way Min Yoongi could believe it was about anyone except himself, not after having fallen for Namjoon a year into training, always just looking for a sign that anything between them could ever work out. This song felt like more than a sign, it felt like a notice. The clock was ticking until Namjoon would confess to him, and all Yoongi had to do was wait for him.

The news dropped in the middle of the night as they and the other trainees snuck out for drinks. All underage, Yoongi imagined this as his most rebellious moment thus far when it came to trainee rules. It was the only time the lot of them collectively agreed to take a risk.

He hoped all night that Namjoon would take the hint.

From the way that he looked around all night, shifty and expectant, nervous and shaking, Yoongi was building up the hope that it was finally going to happen. Namjoon looked scared like he would get caught or someone would discover him, and to Yoongi it was all becoming clear as day.

Namjoon asked him to follow him around to the other side of the parking lot. He even took him by the hand to pull him along behind him. Yoongi was pretty sure this was already going too perfectly. The self-doubt that came with something good finally happening to him was stifled by his reassuring promises to his anxiety that everything would be okay. He was too young to know that you could create trust issues with yourself over foolish promises like that.

Turning the corner to the back alley of the liquor store, he saw a girl standing there facing them. Though she didn’t seem surprised or afraid of them, Yoongi was about to ask her to give them a minute, believing she was just a bystander.

“Yoongi, this is Mi-Cha,” Namjoon said, luckily before Yoongi could so much as open his mouth. It didn’t take many more words for the rapper to figure out what was going on. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Sound ceased to exist for a few minutes. It was like the message was sinking in - the story of how they met on the streets in some basic five-cent meet cute and how they’d been dating for months. It was filled with adorable little couple laughs that made Yoongi sick even if he was under the impression that the world had gone quiet, and the story was partnered with some apologetic words about breaking the rules and also Namjoon’s apology for never telling Yoongi his secret.

Finally, when it felt like Yoongi could tune back in, he returned to the present.
“You’ve always had my back,” Namjoon explained as Yoongi kept reminding himself how to breathe evenly. “I know this is asking a lot. I know I’m basically asking you to risk everything, and I’ll find a way to pay you back for this-” Yoongi just nodded the whole time to show he was listening even though his entire world was shrinking. The only somewhat intelligible thought running through his mind was about how pretty this girl was. 
“All I’m asking is if you’ll just help us get around the curfew sometimes, and cover for me if I disappear. I’d owe you so much. That’s all I’m asking,” he finished finally. “Pleas-”

“Sure,” Yoongi blurted out so forcefully that it gave off the impression that he was just waiting for his best friend to finish. That seemed to be a good sign to Namjoon. Yoongi, however, was just wondering the limitations of his self-control. He’d learned not to cry when he was panicked. He’d learned out of necessity so his parents wouldn’t have to hear every one of his episodes, but a heartbroken panic was an entirely new beast to conquer.

Waiting patiently for Namjoon to finish talking, Yoongi finally found the best way to leave.

“It was good meeting you but I might be getting sick from the beer, so I need to go-” Yoongi said, before turning around and hurrying in the direction of the alley behind the store. Following the corner, he didn’t notice the footsteps behind him until he’d stopped running.
“Woah, feeling better?” an out-of-breath Namjoon asked. “You shouldn’t run if you think you’re going to throw up.”  
It should have occurred to Yoongi that Namjoon was the type of friend to make sure his drunk friend was okay. For once, Yoongi hated how considerate he was and wished he was a worse friend. It would’ve worked out so much better that way. Maybe Yoongi wouldn’t even have liked him.
“Yeah,” he lied finally. He tried to hurriedly make his way back to his friends, relieved that Namjoon wasn’t following until- 
“I’ll be right back,” he announced in the other direction, in the direction of Mi-Sha. Pulling one of Yoongi’s arms over his shoulder, Namjoon had a bounce in his step that gave Yoongi real risks of getting nauseous.

“I’m fine. I’m fine, go back to her,” Yoongi insisted, trying to hold back while his body began to trigger the urge to hyperventilate, or gag, or both.

“I love you, Yoongi. I mean it,” Namjoon said finally, clearly not noticing Yoongi’s troubles. “You’re my best friend. I promise you’ll love Mi-Sha.”

“It’s fine!” As the urge to throw up came as rejected his body any other form of release, Yoongi wondered if throwing up on Namjoon’s shoes would ease any of this pain, because inevitably that was going to happen in one minute if Namjoon didn’t leave him alone.

“No really. I love you, man. I won’t forget this.”

Unfortunately, neither would Yoongi.
 Waking up, Yoongi was pleased to find out he had won last night’s tug of war between himself and Jungkook. Ever since the night that Yoongi cried over Tae, Jungkook seemed to have caught a taste for acting as the big spoon. In the few days it’d been, he and Yoongi battled for control in their sleep, naturally starting in a position according to what they were feeling and who had gotten into his bed first.Then overnight, it would become a fight for who could get the most of their skin against the others, who could wrap their arms over the others, who could interlock their legs in what position, who got them in the closest hold flush against each other. Their bodies battled to make their sleep as relaxing as it could be by acting as channels to intimacy as if they knew their waking selves wouldn’t make these kinds of strides.Running a hand along Jungkook’s arms, Yoongi tried not to notice how much comfort he could get just out of feeling him so close. He sighed out as he realized he could tell that Jungkook’s muscles were growing. It was only a slight change that he noticed, but they were definitely different than they were the first time he’d held the maknae like this. The extra days at the gym had Jungkook coming home more and more tired, but Yoongi had the feeling that was actually helping him sleep.Yoongi tried to gently hold Jungkook’s hands with his own, hoping the gesture would get the man to wake up. Jungkook cheekily separated his hands to hold Yoongi’s, but he kept them where they were on his lower chest. In fact, he even let his hands slide out just enough that Yoongi’s hands were under his. He knew the maknae meant nothing with the gesture, but it’d left the older man’s hands right on Jungkook’s chest, flattened as if just to feel the definition there that Yoongi normally wasn’t cheeky enough to try for.Blushing a bit, he also realized Jungkook was probably trying to drift off back to sleep like that. Trying not to move his hands for fear of getting too curious, Yoongi shifted until his lips were right at Jungkook’s ear.“Hey baby,” he whispered softly as he gently tried to pull out his hands from Jungkook’s grip. “Baby, I gotta go.” Once one hand was free, he nudged Jungkook’s shoulder gently. As he tried to prop himself up onto his elbow, he realized the hand that was still trapped seemed to be stuck there with intention. He chuckled, huffing air into Jungkook’s ear that unintentionally made the younger man let out a nervous giggle.Before Yoongi could speak again, Jungkook continued their little tussle for power as he turned around and slipped an arm under Yoongi while the other wrapped itself around his back and forcefully pulled him in. As Jungkook adjusted, Yoongi hoped he wouldn’t get caught blushing in this dark. Jungkook nuzzled his face into Yoongi’s neck, forcing a nervous chuckle out of the older man that only intensified when Jungkook hummed words into his skin.“I was sleeping so well,” the maknae whined. Yoongi admitted to himself that Jungkook’s reluctance to get up and his antics in the process were half of the joys of sharing a bed with him. The cuddling itself was so fulfilling, but these little moments showcasing the maknae’s innocence and stubbornness lingered on Yoongi’s mind throughout the day and always had him happy to come to bed. “Why do you have to get up so early?”“I have to go to work,” he answered, as always. Jungkook scrunched his nose and made himself more comfortable in the crook of Yoongi’s neck.“No,” the maknae decided for him. “No?” “We’re sleeping in.” The little smile on his face gave him away. He was awake enough to know his plan probably wasn’t going to work. He was just trying to see what he could get.“Stop trying to be cute,” Yoongi snipped, grinning.“Is it working?” Jungkook knew he’d won when his hyung didn’t answer. Yoongi had been too absorbed in debating whether a kiss on the cheek was appropriate.This fun activity couldn’t be much of a regular endeavor anymore, not as much as Yoongi wanted it to be. Jungkook only came half the nights that he used to ever since Yoongi had broken down on him. Yoongi couldn’t stop beating down on himself for that. There was no doubt in his mind that Jungkook stopped coming to him because he’d been scared off. That night, Yoongi cried like someone had died only to wake up the next morning and tell Jungkook everything was fine.Lying to the maknae had cost him dearly and he knew there was no one else to blame but himself.“I’m sorry we can’t have more mornings like this,” Yoongi said quietly. It was as if Jungkook had read his mind. He groaned, though the reaction seemed more upset than annoyed.“Hyung, we talked about this. We’re okay,” he assured him. One of his hands drew circles on Yoongi’s arm. “I promise.”“You’d tell me if something was wrong?” Yoongi prompted. “If you were mad at me?”“Of course,” the younger man mumbled. The feel of Jungkook’s lips on the back of his neck ever so slightly affected Yoongi. Perhaps it was for the best that he would have to pry himself out of Jungkook’s arms eventually. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he really had the option to stay, not if Jungkook kept touching him like this.“Would you tell me?” Yoongi repeated himself.“No one’s mad, hyung,” Jungkook said, his arms both wrapping around Yoongi’s waist and pulling him in for a hug. “I’m just sleeping better. I promise, that’s all.”“Are you sure?”“I promise,” the maknae said, pulling away a bit as if to get a better look at Yoongi’s face.  Jungkook suddenly seemed curious about something as his arms allowed for Yoongi to slide comfortably back onto his bed. It was like an idea was haunting his mind and every nerve in his body was pushing him to try it. He pulled himself up gently. Though it seemed he had been trying to avoid it, they met eyes just for the briefest of glances as Jungkook continued on his path. As he moved, Jungkook seemed unfamiliar with his own work but still was determined and careful as if he was copying something he’d seen.Yoongi wanted more time to figure the mystery out before the touch came, but nothing would have prepared him for what came regardless. Jungkook pressed a kiss to his neck, clean and soft, but tender and lingering. It felt like time froze and he couldn’t tell if the kiss had been longer than a second or if it just felt like it. His brain scrambled to figure it out, knowing that the length of the kiss had implications. He wasn’t sure if he’d gasped in or sighed out, if he’d so much as whimpered or done as little as hold his breath.It felt like many seconds had passed but he couldn’t be certain. He couldn’t count how many times he’d breathed in or out. He couldn’t recall if he’d made a noise. If it had lasted longer than a second, he couldn’t even tell if he had maybe encouraged the kiss to make it last longer somehow.All he could remember was that his head had been bent up to speak to Jungkook but, by the time the kiss was over, had been resting back against his pillow like his entire body had relaxed and given in. Too late, he realized he was biting his lip the entire time.When they had separated, it wasn’t at all once either of them could understand what was happening. It was because they’d heard a knock that had Jungkook throwing himself off of Yoongi and moving out of his way so he could slide out and get to the door. Turning before he opened the door, Yoongi saw Jungkook was already making his way into the private bathroom to hide. As the bathroom door shut behind Jungkook, Yoongi opened his door.It was Jin.Looking immediately regretful, Jin raised his hands as if in defense.“Sorry. Hobi told me to come wake you up,” he explained.“I was already up,” Yoongi answered, calmer than his tone usually would be around Jin. From Yoongi’s perspective, things seemed to almost quiet down in the house now that Tae had pushed him out of his life. Everything seemed duller, smaller, silent, and there was no room in that atmosphere for him to get aggressive with Jin, even if he was still mad at him.So things settled into an agreed upon passive peace. As long as Jin didn’t try to push Yoongi into forgiving him, Yoongi wouldn’t try to find new reasons to be upset with him.“So I take it you’re the one coming today,” Yoongi noted. Jin nodded with an expression like something had gone very wrong to have put him in this situation.“Come on. Hobi’s waiting for us and I made you breakfast,” Jin said, insinuating story time would take place after they all stuffed their faces. If Yoongi wasn’t mad at him, he would have let himself look excited to find out what new receipe Jin had tried to come up with that would suit his diet. Thus far nothing had worked out very well, but Yoongi had learned a long time ago that being hopeful when it came to diets was better than nothing. Raising an eyebrow at Jin, Yoongi curiously followed him out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.Knowing that Jungkook would be staying awake in his room waiting for him to come back after breakfast, change, and tell him when to run for his room, that all made him nervous to think about now. He didn’t want to think about whether Jungkook would reflect on that kiss. It could have been a brief gesture, after all, so it could have meant nothing to Jungkook but being unsure was killing Yoongi.Yoongi would have to push the thought out of his mind if he was meant to survive the day.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Yoongi learned to hate love songs.

Maybe he’d always known that love could be beautiful, pure, and untouched by pain in theory. However, in practice, he knew better than to expect that he was going to experience something like that for at least a painfully long time. Today, he’d probably tell you he won’t know what love will actually look like for him until after BTS stops existing. It’s impossible to know your heart when it used to beat for all six of your best friends at some point in the past seven years, sometimes at the same time, sometimes maybe for all of them at once, and sometimes so hard it pushed him to want to make a drastic decision about his career.

The last of these came up a few times. It wasn’t like him to think in such extremes, especially not about a career that he’d worked his whole life for. Love, however, can make anyone stupid. His mother had warned him about that. His love for music had him on a path toward a miserable life ahead if this band hadn’t work out. Love led him to a lot of questionable decisions that he’d come to regret later.

Yoongi couldn’t explain what had possessed him to think it was a good idea at the time, but there did come a time at Big Hit where Yoongi was ready to say “I love you” to Kim Namjoon.

And he got so, so close.

His friend would have been ill-prepared. Yoongi hadn’t so much as told him he was interested in men, told him he had any feelings at all, or even let on that anything was off in their friendship. In his eyes, the sincerity and honesty would somehow trigger his success, regardless of what a realistic outcome was more likely to be.

To be fair to himself, Yoongi always had to remind himself that he just wasn’t from a family that ever broke down the realities of love not being as powerful a word as most hopefuls would believe.  Love could not cure all ails. Being that Yoongi didn’t hear the word enough growing up, he didn’t really get that reality check when it was due. From his view, love was almost something too precious for his parents to talk to him about after a certain age. To hear the words, one had to be in the most specific and grandiose of situations. The improbability of running into these situations made Yoongi believe that everyone was longing to hear the words as much as he did. As a child, his friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends, did little to fix his perception. He grew up continuing to believe the words were magical just because no one would say them.

It wasn’t that he just woke up one morning and thought that it would be the perfect time to confess his love to Namjoon. There were factors in this that had really convinced Min Yoongi that this wasn’t a total test of luck. Years into their friendship now, Namjoon and Yoongi knew they were in their final stretch as the final round of trainees came in before Big Hit announced they’d make their final decisions.

As much as he was acting too much like an optimist lately, it wasn’t as though Yoongi had just fabricated the idea that he and Namjoon’s time had finally come. They had been spending almost all of their time together and Yoongi thought that their chemistry alone spoke for how well they would work together. Even if he’d never expressed interest in men before, Yoongi had to be suspicious about Namjoon. He had to be. If discounting all of the other signs that gave him away as a non-heterosexual man, then at its most obvious was the way he’d talk about romance that wasn’t all about revolving around the idea of a man and a woman. The boy defended gay people in a way Yoongi was jaded enough by now to know was almost always going to be defenses from a gay person. Even Yoongi himself had learned to keep his mouth shut on the matter. He needed to make it out there in the real world and openness about his sexuality wasn’t going to get him that likelihood of survival. Not in Daegu, not even in Seoul.

Then there was the song he found. Titled ‘Two Years’, the song was a rough draft he’d found sitting on the floor of their dorm. Featuring words like ‘hidden away’, ‘just the two of us’, ‘willing to risk my everything’, from what Yoongi could interpret, the song was a love story where the singer was willing to lose all they’d worked for the past two years just for the chance to pursue something else they’d found along the way.

There was no way Min Yoongi could believe it was about anyone except himself, not after having fallen for Namjoon a year into training, always just looking for a sign that anything between them could ever work out. This song felt like more than a sign, it felt like a notice. The clock was ticking until Namjoon would confess to him, and all Yoongi had to do was wait for him.

The news dropped in the middle of the night as they and the other trainees snuck out for drinks. All underage, Yoongi imagined this as his most rebellious moment thus far when it came to trainee rules. It was the only time the lot of them collectively agreed to take a risk.

He hoped all night that Namjoon would take the hint.

From the way that he looked around all night, shifty and expectant, nervous and shaking, Yoongi was building up the hope that it was finally going to happen. Namjoon looked scared like he would get caught or someone would discover him, and to Yoongi it was all becoming clear as day.

Namjoon asked him to follow him around to the other side of the parking lot. He even took him by the hand to pull him along behind him. Yoongi was pretty sure this was already going too perfectly. The self-doubt that came with something good finally happening to him was stifled by his reassuring promises to his anxiety that everything would be okay. He was too young to know that you could create trust issues with yourself over foolish promises like that.

Turning the corner to the back alley of the liquor store, he saw a girl standing there facing them. Though she didn’t seem surprised or afraid of them, Yoongi was about to ask her to give them a minute, believing she was just a bystander.

“Yoongi, this is Mi-Cha,” Namjoon said, luckily before Yoongi could so much as open his mouth. It didn’t take many more words for the rapper to figure out what was going on. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Sound ceased to exist for a few minutes. It was like the message was sinking in - the story of how they met on the streets in some basic five-cent meet cute and how they’d been dating for months. It was filled with adorable little couple laughs that made Yoongi sick even if he was under the impression that the world had gone quiet, and the story was partnered with some apologetic words about breaking the rules and also Namjoon’s apology for never telling Yoongi his secret.

Finally, when it felt like Yoongi could tune back in, he returned to the present.

“You’ve always had my back,” Namjoon explained as Yoongi kept reminding himself how to breathe evenly. “I know this is asking a lot. I know I’m basically asking you to risk everything, and I’ll find a way to pay you back for this-” Yoongi just nodded the whole time to show he was listening even though his entire world was shrinking. The only somewhat intelligible thought running through his mind was about how pretty this girl was.

“All I’m asking is if you’ll just help us get around the curfew sometimes, and cover for me if I disappear. I’d owe you so much. That’s all I’m asking,” he finished finally. “Pleas-”

“Sure,” Yoongi blurted out so forcefully that it gave off the impression that he was just waiting for his best friend to finish. That seemed to be a good sign to Namjoon. Yoongi, however, was just wondering the limitations of his self-control. He’d learned not to cry when he was panicked. He’d learned out of necessity so his parents wouldn’t have to hear every one of his episodes, but a heartbroken panic was an entirely new beast to conquer.

Waiting patiently for Namjoon to finish talking, Yoongi finally found the best way to leave.

“It was good meeting you but I might be getting sick from the beer, so I need to go-” Yoongi said, before turning around and hurrying in the direction of the alley behind the store. Following the corner, he didn’t notice the footsteps behind him until he’d stopped running.

“Woah, feeling better?” an out-of-breath Namjoon asked. “You shouldn’t run if you think you’re going to throw up.”

It should have occurred to Yoongi that Namjoon was the type of friend to make sure his drunk friend was okay. For once, Yoongi hated how considerate he was and wished he was a worse friend. It would’ve worked out so much better that way. Maybe Yoongi wouldn’t even have liked him.

“Yeah,” he lied finally. He tried to hurriedly make his way back to his friends, relieved that Namjoon wasn’t following until-

“I’ll be right back,” he announced in the other direction, in the direction of Mi-Cha. Pulling one of Yoongi’s arms over his shoulder, Namjoon had a bounce in his step that gave Yoongi real risks of getting nauseous.

“I’m fine. I’m fine, go back to her,” Yoongi insisted, trying to hold back while his body began to trigger the urge to hyperventilate, or gag, or both.

“I love you, Yoongi. I mean it,” Namjoon said finally, clearly not noticing Yoongi’s troubles. “You’re my best friend. I promise you’ll love Mi-Cha.”

“It’s fine!” As the urge to throw up came as rejected his body any other form of release, Yoongi wondered if throwing up on Namjoon’s shoes would ease any of this pain, because inevitably that was going to happen in one minute if Namjoon didn’t leave him alone.

“No really. I love you, man. I won’t forget this.”

Unfortunately, neither would Yoongi.
Waking up, Yoongi was pleased to find out he had won last night’s tug of war between himself and Jungkook. Ever since the night that Yoongi cried over Tae, Jungkook seemed to have caught a taste for acting as the big spoon. In the few days it’d been, he and Yoongi battled for control in their sleep, naturally starting in a position according to what they were feeling and who had gotten into his bed first.Then overnight, it would become a fight for who could get the most of their skin against the others, who could wrap their arms over the others, who could interlock their legs in what position, who got them in the closest hold flush against each other. Their bodies battled to make their sleep as relaxing as it could be by acting as channels to intimacy as if they knew their waking selves wouldn’t make these kinds of strides. Running a hand along Jungkook’s arms, Yoongi tried not to notice how much comfort he could get just out of feeling him so close. He sighed out as he realized he could tell that Jungkook’s muscles were growing. It was only a slight change that he noticed, but they were definitely different than they were the first time he’d held the maknae like this. The extra days at the gym had Jungkook coming home more and more tired, but Yoongi had the feeling that was actually helping him sleep.Yoongi tried to gently hold Jungkook’s hands with his own, hoping the gesture would get the man to wake up. Jungkook cheekily separated his hands to hold Yoongi’s, but he kept them where they were on his lower chest. In fact, he even let his hands slide out just enough that Yoongi’s hands were under his. He knew the maknae meant nothing with the gesture, but it’d left the older man’s hands right on Jungkook’s chest, flattened as if just to feel the definition there that Yoongi normally wasn’t cheeky enough to try for.Blushing a bit, he also realized Jungkook was probably trying to drift off back to sleep like that. Trying not to move his hands for fear of getting too curious, Yoongi shifted until his lips were right at Jungkook’s ear.“Hey baby,” he whispered softly as he gently tried to pull out his hands from Jungkook’s grip. “Baby, I gotta go.” Once one hand was free, he nudged Jungkook’s shoulder gently. As he tried to prop himself up onto his elbow, he realized the hand that was still trapped seemed to be stuck there with intention. He chuckled, huffing air into Jungkook’s ear that unintentionally made the younger man let out a nervous giggle.Before Yoongi could speak again, Jungkook continued their little tussle for power as he turned around and slipped an arm under Yoongi while the other wrapped itself around his back and forcefully pulled him in. As Jungkook adjusted, Yoongi hoped he wouldn’t get caught blushing in this dark. Jungkook nuzzled his face into Yoongi’s neck, forcing a nervous chuckle out of the older man that only intensified when Jungkook hummed words into his skin.“I was sleeping so well,” the maknae whined. Yoongi admitted to himself that Jungkook’s reluctance to get up and his antics in the process were half of the joys of sharing a bed with him. The cuddling itself was so fulfilling, but these little moments showcasing the maknae’s innocence and stubbornness lingered on Yoongi’s mind throughout the day and always had him happy to come to bed. “Why do you have to get up so early?”“I have to go to work,” he answered, as always. Jungkook scrunched his nose and made himself more comfortable in the crook of Yoongi’s neck.“No,” the maknae decided for him.“No?”“We’re sleeping in.” The little smile on his face gave him away. He was awake enough to know his plan probably wasn’t going to work. He was just trying to see what he could get.“Stop trying to be cute,” Yoongi snipped, grinning.“Is it working?” Jungkook knew he’d won when his hyung didn’t answer. Yoongi had been too absorbed in debating whether a kiss on the cheek was appropriate.This fun activity couldn’t be much of a regular endeavor anymore, not as much as Yoongi wanted it to be. Jungkook only came half the nights that he used to ever since Yoongi had broken down on him. Yoongi couldn’t stop beating down on himself for that. There was no doubt in his mind that Jungkook stopped coming to him because he’d been scared off. That night, Yoongi cried like someone had died only to wake up the next morning and tell Jungkook everything was fine.Lying to the maknae had cost him dearly and he knew there was no one else to blame but himself.“I’m sorry we can’t have more mornings like this,” Yoongi said quietly. It was as if Jungkook had read his mind. He groaned, though the reaction seemed more upset than annoyed.“Hyung, we talked about this. We’re okay,” he assured him. One of his hands drew circles on Yoongi’s arm. “I promise.”“You’d tell me if something was wrong?” Yoongi prompted. “If you were mad at me?”“Of course,” the younger man mumbled. The feel of Jungkook’s lips on the back of his neck ever so slightly affected Yoongi. Perhaps it was for the best that he would have to pry himself out of Jungkook’s arms eventually. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he really had the option to stay, not if Jungkook kept touching him like this.“Would you tell me?” Yoongi repeated himself.“No one’s mad, hyung,” Jungkook said, his arms both wrapping around Yoongi’s waist and pulling him in for a hug. “I’m just sleeping better. I promise, that’s all.”“Are you sure?”“I promise,” the maknae said, pulling away a bit as if to get a better look at Yoongi’s face.  Jungkook suddenly seemed curious about something as his arms allowed for Yoongi to slide comfortably back onto his bed. It was like an idea was haunting his mind and every nerve in his body was pushing him to try it. He pulled himself up gently. Though it seemed he had been trying to avoid it, they met eyes just for the briefest of glances as Jungkook continued on his path. As he moved, Jungkook seemed unfamiliar with his own work but still was determined and careful as if he was copying something he’d seen.Yoongi wanted more time to figure the mystery out before the touch came, but nothing would have prepared him for what came regardless. Jungkook pressed a kiss to his neck, clean and soft, but tender and lingering. It felt like time froze and he couldn’t tell if the kiss had been longer than a second or if it just felt like it. His brain scrambled to figure it out, knowing that the length of the kiss had implications. He wasn’t sure if he’d gasped in or sighed out, if he’d so much as whimpered or done as little as hold his breath.It felt like many seconds had passed but he couldn’t be certain. He couldn’t count how many times he’d breathed in or out. He couldn’t recall if he’d made a noise. If it had lasted longer than a second, he couldn’t even tell if he had maybe encouraged the kiss to make it last longer somehow.All he could remember was that his head had been bent up to speak to Jungkook but, by the time the kiss was over, had been resting back against his pillow like his entire body had relaxed and given in. Too late, he realized he was biting his lip the entire time.When they had separated, it wasn’t at all once either of them could understand what was happening. It was because they’d heard a knock that had Jungkook throwing himself off of Yoongi and moving out of his way so he could slide out and get to the door. Turning before he opened the door, Yoongi saw Jungkook was already making his way into the private bathroom to hide. As the bathroom door shut behind Jungkook, Yoongi opened his door.It was Jin.Looking immediately regretful, Jin raised his hands as if in defense.“Sorry. Hobi told me to come wake you up,” he explained.“I was already up,” Yoongi answered, calmer than his tone usually would be around Jin. From Yoongi’s perspective, things seemed to almost quiet down in the house now that Tae had pushed him out of his life. Everything seemed duller, smaller, silent, and there was no room in that atmosphere for him to get aggressive with Jin, even if he was still mad at him.So things settled into an agreed upon passive peace. As long as Jin didn’t try to push Yoongi into forgiving him, Yoongi wouldn’t try to find new reasons to be upset with him.“So I take it you’re the one coming today,” Yoongi noted. Jin nodded with an expression like something had gone very wrong to have put him in this situation.“Come on. Hobi’s waiting for us and I made you breakfast,” Jin said, insinuating story time would take place after they all stuffed their faces. If Yoongi wasn’t mad at him, he would have let himself look excited to find out what new receipe Jin had tried to come up with that would suit his diet. Thus far nothing had worked out very well, but Yoongi had learned a long time ago that being hopeful when it came to diets was better than nothing. Raising an eyebrow at Jin, Yoongi curiously followed him out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.Knowing that Jungkook would be staying awake in his room waiting for him to come back after breakfast, change, and tell him when to run for his room, that all made him nervous to think about now. He didn’t want to think about whether Jungkook would reflect on that kiss. It could have been a brief gesture, after all, so it could have meant nothing to Jungkook but being unsure was killing Yoongi.Yoongi would have to push the memory out of his mind if he was meant to survive the day.Yoongi regretted whatever part of human weakness contributed to his constant desire to forgive Jin just to be able to go back to doing very small things like complimenting him or joking around whenever he felt like it.Yoongi did his best not to giggle watching Jin attempt to move his hips slowly, the way this male soloist’s routine demanded, as he knew it would come off as malicious now that they weren’t getting along.“This part is still sloppy,” Hobi noted, as though he’d expected better.“You made Tae teach it to me!” Jin threw the criticism right back at Hobi. “I told you I needed your help.”“Just follow me,” Hobi instructed as he restarted the music and gestured for Yoongi to take his place. After twenty minutes of this, they were literally at such desperate measures that Hobi had very reluctantly placed his hands on Jin’s hips, trying to forcibly teach him how to rotate them.“This feels really weird,” Jin whined about the compromising position.“Yeah, how do you think I feel?” Hobi snapped back, smacking one of Jin’s hips to force him to pay attention again. “Just do it right and then we’re both out of here.” Yoongi lifted his phone and quickly took a picture before he spoke.“As cute as this is,” Yoongi said, ignoring their cries of protest as he sent the photo in the group chat, “why am I here?”Jin and Hobi both looked at him, surprised. “You don’t want to run your dance too?” Hobi finally asked.“My dance?” Yoongi asked, suddenly nervous. “I have to have a dance?”“We’re going on variety shows, Yoongi,” Jin said, looking afraid on his behalf. “Multiple. You need gimmicks. We all needed gimmicks, that’s why we had the last few days off.”“I was working these last few days,” Yoongi answered. “No one told me about this.”“You kept disappearing,” Jin pointed out. “We all figured you knew.” Hobi’s efforts moved from fixing Jin’s hips to maintaining his own calm as he tried to think of a plan, knowing that he became unpleasant when stressed.“You need a dance,” he decided. “A good dance. A surprising one, but an easy one.” He was mostly just speaking to himself. “We can do that. We can find one. I probably already know it.”“Do you?” Jin asked nervously. “Yoongi never learns girl group routines. We have nothing to work with here, not even from last year-”“Shhhh!” Hobi said finally. “Okay, I’ve got it.” Jin punched a fist into his hand, proud that Hobi had solved this so quickly. “‘I Love You’.” Yoongi waited for context. None came. Jin nodded in understanding but Yoongi was just left there waiting for more. “Their newer song. It came out at the end of last year. Pass me my phone.”Yoongi picked himself up off the ground and brought it over, hovering only a few inches away from Hobi for his final description of the song. Yoongi already didn’t like the sound of it. This was one of the very few girl groups he liked, but they usually wrote songs about controversial topics or ones that had aggressive narratives. ‘I Love You’ did not fit the bill.From the first line, an opening with a modified voice and a repetitive line being played over and over again, Yoongi groaned. Hoseok paused the song and glared.“If you think I’m going to magically learn a new dance routine just so that you’ll get to do a song that you like when we’re less than 24 hours awa-” There it was, the icy glare, snippy tone, nostrils flaring, high adrenaline - his second favorite look on Hobi, the rage all arranged into an expression that basically served to call anyone that passed an ugly bitch.“Jung Hoseok, we talked about you flirting with me-” They both ignored Jin’s confusion. He hadn’t been around for the development of this inside joke over the past week.“Don’t try to change the subject, this is your song,” he commanded aggressively enough that Yoongi’s soul left his body for a second before finally deciding not to argue back. “So sit there, watch this on repeat, and let me finish with Jin.”“Okay,” Yoongi accepted peacefully, taking Hoseok’s phone to watch the choreography video he’d pulled up.“Why were you flirting-” Jin started. Yoongi didn’t see what made him stop, but he was sure Hobi had induced fear in some way or another to make him decide to value his life over finishing that sentence.Barely paying attention to the lyrics for fear of offending Hobi by telling him he hates his friend’s group’s last single, Yoongi just tried to take each word for what it was without attaching meaning. Before the day had even started for the rest of the team, Yoongi had heard the song 23 times with his mind more on matching the lyrics to the dance move. His adrenaline was high just knowing how little time he had to learn, but he had faith he’d at least pull something together for this first interview.It just didn’t seem likely to him that the song would get stuck in his head the way that it did.Right after the rest of the band arrived at Big Hit, Yoongi’s first words to Namjoon were about how annoying the song was. “The lyrics are just so dramatic,” Yoongi sighed out, disappointed.“I always forget you hate love songs,” Namjoon mused, clearly thinking about something in particular. Lucky for Yoongi, Jin kept him from overthinking by interrupting their conversation.“Why are we learning the entire routine and not just the chorus?” Jin asked again, rubbing his hips in memory of how many times Hobi slapped them for moving wrong.“Big Hit wants the show to post full videos on their social media,” Namjoon explained, looking through his notes.“Why are we doing variety shows again?” Jin asked, more or less just to whine about it. Yoongi couldn’t help chuckling at that one. He was with Jin on this, they were too big for this.“Jungkook hates them ever since-” Yoongi cut himself off but they all knew the incident he meant. “And Jimin hates how much the hosts always pick on him. Interviewers make Hobi uncomfortable…..and I mean, Jin’s already whining.” He shrugged, waiting for the logic on why this was such a great idea.“If we’re not regularly putting out songs or a new album,” Namjoon started. Yoongi already knew where this was going and felt a bit bittersweet about it. “We have to keep appearing in the public eye or else fans will get frustrated and others will forget about us.” Yoongi nodded, thinking carefully.“Weren’t there other shows we could do?” Yoongi tried, a little hopeful there might be a way out of this.“Those are scheduled for later this year,” the leader explained. “Besides, the interviews start tomorrow, there’s no backing out now.” Sighing out, Yoongi decided Namjoon was at least right about needing to focus on what matters.Last time they met, they agreed to talk about their recent actions against each other at another date. They agreed not to let the past affect their upcoming meeting with Sejin, and it took a while to get through all the details of the different complaints the band had regarding how Big Hit was handling the expansion, but they eventually reached an agreement.“So we’ll meet with Sejin in two days then,” Namjoon agreed. “And we have to meet him before we end up going to Bang PD. Having Sejin at our side will mean having more leverage.”“Sure, in two days for the both of us. But you’ll meet him soon to fix this diet mess, right?” Yoongi asked frankly.Namjoon looked like he was resisting an eye roll. “You’re really desperate lately about this diet thing. Should I be worried about you?”Yoongi tried not to acknowledge how condescending that sounded. Lowering his voice, he looked around. “At least get Tae his old diet back,” he requested kindly. Namjoon was confused, but Jin was instantly curious as to why Tae was of such high priority to Yoongi.“No offense, but I’m slightly more worried about Tae,” Namjoon noted. “You weigh the same and he’s taller than you.” Yoongi wanted to agree with him that Tae didn’t need to change, but he didn’t have room to budge on this. He owed it to Tae to get him his diet plan back. After unintentionally getting Namjoon involved in their business, Namjoon had forced Sejin to take Tae off the diet against his will. Yoongi at least owed it to Tae to try and make Namjoon fix things. “And it’s already ridiculous that they’re asking y-”“Do I have to get back into the fact that you agreed not to meddle and then-”“I’ll take care of it,” Namjoon said, cutting him off before he inevitably said something Namjoon knew would offend him deeply.Yoongi didn’t want to be tense with Namjoon, but getting through this took a lot of reminders that he wasn’t the one who was keeping the karaoke night issue a secret. If Namjoon really had nothing to hide, they would have told him by now.Yet they all acted like it was weird of him to be pulling away.That stupid song was still ringing in the back of his head.Yoongi wasn’t one to be forceful to get answers. Although probably a fighter if it ever came down to it, Yoongi preferred to solve problems with words and patience if he was given the chance. It was rare for emotion to grip him and force him to act without giving him the time to think before reacting. However, sometimes he’d lose the choice when his instinct would take over. Grumbling to himself on the way to his office, Yoongi never thought he’d get a sense of the kind of scare that he had given Hobi the day Tae had cut him off. However, as a shy Jimin passed him, hiding his face and sniffling, it was like Yoongi had gained Hobi’s short temper as he immediately swung open the nearest door and used his free arm to capture Jimin in a semi-hug as he tried to jog past without being noticed.“Hyung, I’m fine-” Jimin’s desperate voice pleaded. Switching on the lights and closing the door behind him, the fact that the two of them were left in a large closet only briefly hit Yoongi before he immediately started checking up on Jimin. His hands at his shoulders, he bowed his head a little to see under Jimin’s long bangs and get a clear view of his eyes. They were just faintly swollen, like he’d had a very short crying spell. Scanning the rest of him with his eyes to see if he was injured, Yoongi couldn’t help feeling like he was in crisis mode. All he wanted to know was how Jimin got hurt and how he could make it any better. Those were the only answers he needed.All of Jimin’s excuses? Unnecessary.“Please, don’t worry,” he breathed out, clearly upset over the fuss. Yoongi didn’t even know how to stop making it worse, his blood was rushing like he’d just been attacked. “I just worked myself up that’s all.”
You opened my eyes, I love you like you're my last love.
The line sang itself in his head and it took him a few seconds to figure out why. This stupid, fucking song.Faintly recalling his previous tirade regarding the love song, he was suddenly reminded of why that song in particular haunted him when it came to that memory of Namjoon. He’d played the song once to hear what it sounded like and the song was stuck in his head for weeks. For weeks, his mind sang to himself the song that his first love wrote for his own first love. He had to hear a declaration of their love over and over in his own mind without escape.Another way anxiety knew how to mess with a person, creating intrusive thoughts that felt impossible to escape. Your mind is the only place you can’t run away from. Music was almost the perfect weapon against someone with anxiety. Sing them their worst fears set to a catchy tune and they’d be doomed, haunted by their memory.Willing himself to think about anything else as Jimin wiped at his eyes, the lyric just played over and over again until he could actively understand what it meant.
You opened my eyes, I love you like you're my last love.
“No, no, no,” Yoongi accidentally blurted out loud. He didn’t realize he’d spoken out loud until Jimin answered him back.  “I didn’t mean to scare you, hyung,” he apologized. It took Yoongi so much just to keep from reacting. Yoongi tried to pull himself back to the present by gently wiping away a tear that fell from one of Jimin’s eyes. He made a quiet click of his tongue as if to encourage Jimin to stop apologizing for crying. As he guided the tear away, a thumb caressed Jimin’s cheek a lot more intimately than he’d meant it to.In fact, just holding Jimin’s face in his hands was about ten steps closer than what he’d wanted for them. Jimin seemed more eager to see what he would do than he was confused by his actions. Yoongi hated how much he loved that change. With Jimin, there was no worry about scaring him away or startling him. He was there, he wanted to be with him too, he could finally see someone act like they wanted to be with him and weren’t too afraid to do anything about him. If Yoongi leaned in for a kiss, he knew he’d get one and there was just something so comforting and perfect about the idea of being able to kiss Jimin. He’d finally be able to abandon fear and finally really get somewhere in understanding what he wanted.Lowering his hands a bit, he settled for one finger brushing along Jimin’s jaw before Yoongi finally released him only to gently - with more of Jimin’s permission involved - pull him into a hug. He let the younger man warm himself to the affection at his own pace. Jimin pulled himself into the hug, as if it had been days of holding the desperation in.Yoongi had been so out of touch in the days since Taehyung pushed him out of his life that he wasn’t even entirely sure what was going on with the others. Jungkook was the only one even somewhat keeping him updated.“Sorry,” Jimin giggled into the hug as more tears fell again. “I almost don’t know why I’m crying.” Yoongi put a hand on the back of Jimin’s head, gently running his fingers through his hair as he stayed there. “It’s just been such a long week.”“Tell me what’s wrong, baby,” he said, quickly realizing that he was so lucky they were hugging and Jimin didn’t see his own reaction to the nickname. It had been a slip of the tongue. He hadn’t meant to use that name on Jimin, but after a short pause, the younger man was back to giving answers.“Everyone’s just being so weird. I know you know that, I just - I’m scared of these interviews coming up. I don’t want to be the host’s pet. I don’t want to go along with their jokes. I don’t want to get teased. I’m not feeling it right now.”Yoongi pulled Jimin into his shoulder tightly in an encouraging squeeze. “What else is going on?”“There’s just too much going on at once. I’m excited about the dances but otherwise I just don’t want to go. We’re all tired, Jungkook’s upset-” Yoongi was surprised about this one. “-Namjoon’s being so controlling lately, and Tae-” Jimin’s quiet tears started up again, evidenced only by the shaky inhale Yoongi felt him take. Yoongi was so afraid of where this was going. “I made Tae upset a while before because I said some things I regret but now he’s devastated over some friend so he’s just not acting like himself and I don’t know how to make him feel better.”“That’s not your fault,” Yoongi assured him.“I just want to help them and I can’t. I’m literally sitting here crying because I don’t know what to do when they’re all up there being stoic and dealing with it. I mean, what am I doing?” Jimin’s line of questioning felt cute to Yoongi in a way he couldn’t explain. He thought that he wasn’t going to have to explain until Jimin caught him smiling at his problems.“Sorry, you’re just so cute-” he tried to explain.“W-what?” Jimin asked, hesitant.“You just want to help everyone so much. That’s so cute-” Jimin rolled his eyes. Yoongi couldn’t tell if he was mad or not so he waited. Jimin stubbornly stomped one of his feet.“Don’t get me started on you !” Jimin accused. “You never talked to me about lunch. You disappeared, and now you’re moping, and now I don’t know how to help you, and now here we are. You Tarzaned me into a closet just to make me start crying like a child. This is not how I wanted today to go-” Jimin’s whines became much more like pouty confessions. Yoongi had one thought running through his head seeing the transition.The stupid song came to mind and suddenly his brain was preoccupied pushing it out.
You opened my eyes, I love you like you're my last love.
“I could kiss you right now,” Yoongi blurted out by accident. Jimin looked frozen in place. Yoongi wasn’t even sure he could move, so he prayed that when Jimin snapped out of it he’d have some direction to take this because Yoongi was out of plans.“W-what, hyung?” Jimin said, the innocence for once sincere as he seemed genuinely startled that they’d leapt into upfront terms so quickly.“I don’t know,” Yoongi admitted carefully, trying to stay as collected as he could. How Jimin felt for him was no secret and he knew the reverse was true too. They both had a general idea of how they felt and Yoongi’s best idea at the moment was to just enjoy it while it lasted before the wrong words or someone’s meddling could interfere.They had that moment to themselves silently, as if mutually agreeing it was what they wanted.Then Jimin gently pulled away but stayed in place. “We do need to talk about this,” Jimin clarified as he tried to straighten up Yoongi’s grip too. “But we both need to clean up. And think hard about this.”“I’ve thought a lot about it,” Yoongi claimed, his mind a little blank from how hypnotic that silence had been.“We need to think more,” Jimin explained. “And I think if we talked right now, you’d either tell me this can’t happen for a stupid reason and I’d never forgive you, or you’d tell me yes only to tell me no a few days later when you change your mind.”“And I’m guessing I wouldn’t make it out alive from the second one,” Yoongi joked, finally catching on to the tone Jimin was using.“Neither would I,” Jimin admitted, blushing.That stupid, stupid song was just ringing louder now that this moment was silent too. As if just to drown it out, Yoongi created noise by gently pulling Jimin’s face toward him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. The blush on Jimin’s face made him proud he’d done it. It made him regret none of the exchange because it proved he was right about them being a match.If only he’d been right about Tae handling their tie cutting as well as he seemed to be.Jimin had this warmth stay with him since Yoongi left him to navigate his day. He felt protected, supported, accompanied in a way that was so rare for him to feel from anyone else the way it came from Yoongi.His heart was still fluttering from being called cute. There was something about feeling desirable by someone who meant so much to him. Yoongi meant the world to him, even before this entire affair started, but everything was so much more intense between them.This was why he wasn’t afraid to admit it was love. It wasn’t just a crush with Yoongi. They crossed that line months ago. It was love and it was making him want to be a better person to deserve it. Love had never done that for him before.Now that Yoongi had comforted him until he recovered from his breakdown, it was Jimin’s job to act less bratty and make things easier on everyone else too. Returning to the dance room, Jimin could tell they’d all stopped talking just to check who was at the door before they continued speaking as they were. “Who are we gossiping about?” he asked curiously. “Can you believe Yoongi didn’t think we all had to learn routines?” Namjoon asked, frustrated. “He’s zoned out, I don’t know what it is but something’s wrong and he’s not telling us about it.”“Tae is doing the same thing and we still don’t know what his deal is,” Jimin defended. “They both deserve space. You don’t just get to be mad at Yoongi because he knows you’re doing something wrong and is calling you out on it.” Looking around the room for the other dancers, he saw them huddled away in another corner of the room, far enough from Namjoon and Jin that Jimin couldn’t even tell if they had heard him return.Approaching the dancers as he slyly mic dropped on the two elder bandmates, Jimin coached himself not to get so easily frustrated with Jungkook as his neediness had been getting out of control lately. Jungkook had good reason to be afraid of what was coming. Out of all of them, Jungkook’s experience with variety shows was by far the worst after a TV host had gone out of his way to embarrass him when he was still a child.Jungkook’s fears were warranted and Jimin refused to accept anything less than tolerance from himself. The maknae needed him and this was the kind of thing he was responsible for as a hyung, whether he acted like one or not.
That was something Yoongi would say, right? Close enough.
Jimin didn’t roll his eyes when he saw Jungkook engulfed in Hoseok’s arms as the older dancer squeezed the air out of their maknae. He had never been so grateful for holding back on a reaction in his life as when he turned the corner.Hoseok had been rubbing Jungkook’s back and Jimin heard the words. “I’ll come visit tonight like always,” Hobi reassured Jungkook.“Visit who?” Jimin asked, before turning until he was in the right angle to see Jungkook’s condition. From what he could make out when looking past Hobi’s attempt to block his view, Jungkook had tears streaming down his cheeks. “Woah, woah, wait. Jungkook?” Jimin kept his voice down as he sat on the floor next to the other two dancers, making sure to hide any view of Jungkook from the other boys.“Sorry,” Jungkook apologized, sniffling a bit.“It’s nothing, I worked him up,” Hobi excused it. “We were just talking about….last time. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” Jungkook hid his face with his hands, trying to wipe away the evidence that he’d been crying.In moments like these, Jimin was relieved to find out all the petty jealousy would fade away into nothing as he turned into the family that Jungkook clearly needed. He brushed a hand through Jungkook’s hair and ruffled it.“We have one of the bad hosts,” Hoseok informed Jimin gently. Jimin did his best not to react for Jungkook’s sake.“How did that happen? I thought we told them it was non-negotiable.” Jimin tried to concentrate on staying strong for Jungkook’s sake but he couldn’t help fearing his own experience to come. Show hosts particularly liked to target him as the butt of most jokes, get casual with him to the brink of rudeness, and held him to higher standards than the other bandmates. Jimin didn’t talk much about his social issues but he had a particularly hard time handling humiliation, and these hosts had a tendency to cross a line.“Our host got injured this morning.” Hoseok put a hand over Jimin’s, stopping him in his gestures to comfort Jungkook. “If you need a minute, that’s okay too.” Jimin looked at the helpless maknae curling up into himself.“No, no,” Jimin decided, shaking his head. “What, and miss this? For a little monster, Jungkook can be docile as a house pet sometimes.” The tease got a smile out of Jungkook. “What got to you, buddy? I thought you levelled up from bullied to bully with this whole working out thing. What problem do you have that washboard abs can’t fix?”Jungkook groaned. “I was feeling fine before you got here,” Jungkook argued, looking to Hobi with a pout. “Make him go away.”“He thinks if he does his dance the hosts will start asking him if he’s a fan of the group.”“That’s easy, tell them no,” Jimin said unhelpfully.“Obviously, I can’t,” Jungkook noted. “But I don’t want them to put me into a corner where I have to say I like the band. Those girls might as well be kids. It’s weird having to learn their dance at all, but they’ll start making it about something else like they always do.”“You’re just reaching out to your fans,” Hoseok noted. “Learning a dance doesn’t have anything to do with being interested in one of the girls in the band.”“There’s too much riding on this. What if I mess up?” Jungkook asked. “Last time they tried to bully me into talking about crushes and relationships. Don’t they know not to ask us that by now?”“They could get away with asking that to less popular bands,” Jimin reassured him. “They’re not going to do that to us, Jungkook. You’re the nation’s babiest boy.” Jimin reached to boop his nose with his finger only to see Jungkook pretend to try and bite his finger instead. Hoseok chuckled.“Yoongi didn’t realize he had to learn a dance for the show,” Hobi informed the two of them. Their eyes lit up like they’d been welcomed into a kind of chaos they could accept. “He just picked a song this morning. Want me to invite him over so we can watch him ‘practice’? We could use some fun.” The two dancers’ faces lit up. Hobi laughed, proud that these two had absorbed his cruel sense of humor.Having done a great job of not spying on the others all day, Yoongi couldn’t help but open Jin’s video feed while he ate his private lunch in his lab alone. He felt a little bit of despair upon seeing Tae being the person in focus when he opened the window, but he did his best not to talk himself out of it. It would be nice seeing Tae, even just a video of him. Yoongi hadn’t seen him or been in the same room as him in days. I’ll make sure this doesn’t get inconvenient , Yoongi remembered Tae’s promise. He’d meant every word.As he turned back to the video, it took him a minute to catch up. Jin seemed to be confronting Tae about why he had been so desperate not to have to take the visual’s part in the dance he was doing with the dance line and Namjoon.“Why not the visual? Spit it out, Kim,” he jokingly barked out at Tae. Jin dramatically gasped as if he’d discovered it. “I knew it, you don’t like my friends!” Tae laughed.“Everyone likes her. She’s their visual!” He wasn’t wrong to exaggerate ‘everyone’. The girl had been the object of most of the band’s desire back when BTS has just debuted. Well, everyone but Jungkook, who was only interested in how good the rapper was and how fast he could learn the dances so he could make everyone laugh.Sometimes Yoongi wondered how it took him so long to figure Jungkook out. Memories like that made things seem very obvious in hindsight.“Is it because you like her?” Jin asked suddenly. A real gasp came, like he genuinely believed the new theory that struck him. “That’s genius. Is this part of your plan?” It was strange that Jin was still shooting video when talk of a crush on a girl in an idol group - especially one with a sexy girl crush concept - would never make it onto a Big Hit video. “That’s genius. They’re going to see it because of Hobi’s friendship! Brilliant. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have done better. I could have set you up!”Tae just watched Jin, amazed. After all the talk of love today, this was just a new pairing to add to the list of romances that were making Yoongi feel sick.“You can’t keep anything from me! I figured there was something. She’s the only girl so close to your age, I should have know-”“You remember when we - at least, most of us - met them for the first time? We were doing a show where they voted between our songs. We were intimidated by them, they were intimidated by us,” Tae began. He laughed to himself for a second before continuing. “But her, she- she-” He broke into a laugh.Yoongi was reminded of why he hated love stories. About to turn off the stream, the only thing stopping him was this malicious voice in his head saying to stick around and wait to hear about a flaw so that he could fixate on it whenever she was around.Instead, he was treated to a great conclusion.“She came up to me, patted my head, and said ‘You’re so cute. You must be the other maknae Jungkook,’” Tae finished before continuing in his giggles. Jin started laughing too, making the camera lose image for a minute as Jin laughed with his whole body. “It made the women in the camera crew laugh so much that I couldn’t even stand to see her on TV for like a year from how embarrassed I was.” Jin finished his little giggle fit and fixed the camera.“So why pick her if you don’t even like her?”“I didn’t want the visual’s part,” Tae confessed finally. His eyes were nervous as they looked to Jin. He spoke as if he knew he was about to offend him. “I didn’t want people to think that I’d consider being a visual.”“Why not?” Jin asked, confused. “It’s just a game.”“I don’t ever want anyone to get any ideas. I don’t even know how to be a visual, so-”In the reflection on the mirror behind them, Yoongi could see some of Jin’s expression. He watched Jin realize what Tae was on about. He looked touched. Then, he looked amused.“Then you did a really horrible job researching this band,” Jin said finally, seemingly holding in a burst of laughter. “Look it up.” He had his camera start focusing on Tae’s phone as Tae googled the group.“I don’t know what you’re talk-” Tae started explaining before he scrolled onto his girl’s profile. It said it under the position title: visual. “What?!” Jin exploded into laughter as the camera was left on the floor, only partially recording Tae’s face. “The other girl’s profile says visual!”“Some bands have two visuals,” Jin said, recovering. “Now you’re just the younger one. At least you’re consistent, maknae visual.” Yoongi was a little surprised to hear his old name for Tae.“‘Maknae visual’,” Tae repeated. “What’s that from again?” Yoongi choked on his food.“It’s made up. We started calling you that a year or two after debut,” Jin explained. Yoongi was so glad he left it at that.“What does it mean?” Oh no.“Yoongi used to call you that when the super young fans started swarming you. It made you the visual of the maknae line. I think he did it so we’d have something to call you other than just ‘visual’.”Tae’s voice was hesitant, even a little sad. “W-why?”Somehow Jin caught the perfect cue to put the camera down even if it was still on. Yoongi couldn’t see them, but he could still hear. “Because from the very first day, you acted like you hated being called good-looking. You’d also yell if anyone said ‘visual’ about you at all. At least with the nickname, I think he was making sure you wouldn’t be getting put into competition with me.”“He called me that before I ever told him it bothered me.”“I don’t think he did it for either of us. I think he did it for both of us.”“Why?”“Have you ever noticed when the rest of us get very little lines and Jungkook gets almost the entire song, Yoongi never asks Jungkook to give anything up?”“I guess?”“He’s like that sometimes. Where it’s not what he thinks we individually don’t deserve or shouldn’t get, it’s what he thinks we all deserve. He doesn’t want any of us to have to give something up for the other to get something. He’d rather the management or songwriters or producers fix line distribution than force Jungkook to give up the opportunity. Because it’s not up to Jungkook what he gets, so making him give it up only hurts and puts the burden on Jungkook.”“I’m confused-” Tae started, clearly not seeing the connection. Yoongi wished he himself didn’t know what Jin was talking about. It’d be easier to stay mad at him if Yoongi couldn’t understand what he was going on about. Jin was quiet for a second.“It felt like you were going to replace me, Tae,” he said finally, his voice kind. “To everyone. And I still wasn’t good at dancing, Jungkook gets most of the singing lines anyway, I was becoming considered the second best-looking one in the group, and Jungkook and Jimin were growing up handsome enough that it was clear there wasn’t really anyone we were covering for when it comes to aesthetics. And I could’ve been more popular if I was more likeable but we know I was having problems in that department.”Yoongi had to wonder if Jin winked at Tae considering the tone he was using.  Yoongi didn’t let the memory carry him away, but he had a distinct recollection of rescuing a young brand new red-jacket trainee who was getting cornered by a not-so-friendly Kim Seokjin on his first day. He didn’t have the self-control to let himself think through that specific event. Not when he and Tae were out of each other’s lives.“Hyung-” Tae started, clearly under the impression that he’d been offensive.“We made it through just fine. I’m still here,” Jin explained in a reassuring tone. “There were just so many fears flying around at the time. I could have turned on you. We might all even have tried to pressure you to do something about it. We could have gotten nervous that it was something you wanted. You and I could have fought. Instead - ‘no, this is just our maknae visual’.”Jin was right. It was a small change but it was important. It mattered because it made the band reshape their view of events and force others to see it less as something that threatens Jin and more like something that requires Jin by default.“Ah,” Tae said, his tone indeterminable. Yoongi wished the camera had been fixed by now, he was dying to see his face.“And we made it through.” After some shuffling, the camera started moving. “And now - I’m going to buy you lunch.”“Why?”“It’s a pity lunch, for failing.”“Failing?”“To take my job, you 95’ liner ass,” Jin started a petulant but joking rant. Tae was already cracking up. “Who did you think you were coming in my hous-”The feed cut off. Clearly, Yoongi assumed, Jin seemed to pick up that the video was never going to make it into anything official at this rate. Yoongi was invited to join the dancers for their personal rehearsal of their routines just so Hobi would be close by while he practiced his routine. Tried as he might to not make Hobi regret the invitation, Yoongi eventually ended up whining his way through the experience. He had a talent for finding something new to complain about just seconds after Hobi resolved the previous issue for him.“Why couldn’t I have been the rapper?” Yoongi continued to insist as another one of the visual’s solos came up. These were choreographed mostly to show her face as she seduced the camera during live performances, doing something new every night to mesmerize audiences.Case in point, this was the opposite of what Yoongi served to do in this band. It just wasn’t him, he didn’t play at sexy.“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Hobi chirped as if he’d just asked where babies came from, clearly having decided that Yoongi’s immature whining didn’t merit mature answers.Jungkook and Jimin seemed to enjoy his company significantly more than his absence, always piping up when Hobi threatened to remove him from the practice.He tried not to think of the compromising position he’d just been in with them that probably contributed to how much they wanted him around. He’d been kissed by one and expressed desire to kiss the other in just the span of a few hours.Sitting with them along the nearest wall, Yoongi and the maknaes watched as Hobi practiced his own routine. In his solo routine, he was covering a female soloist known for very suggestive, scandalous routines. After she got dropped by her company for breaking the idol dating ban rules, Hobi was up in arms about the industry’s relationship policies. He had a lot of admiration for this artist, and Yoongi knew part of this gesture was really about spiting her company. The moment Hobi covered the dance, it would go viral among their fans. It would be enough to cause a stir for the day that he’d chosen to cover a disgraced artist’s dance in protest.Putting on her sexy persona like a glove made specifically to fit him, Hobi stared at himself in the mirror like he and his body were having an intimate conversation about what to give away and how to keep an audience guessing. While the maknaes checked their phones and only occasionally glanced at him, Yoongi instead took an immediate interest in watching Hobi contort himself into the poses that the number required.Always Hobi’s biggest fan, Yoongi had nothing but admiration and admittedly a lot of attraction to this artist at work, wielding his body as a weapon against his audience. Hobi had Yoongi standing unsteady and breathing uneasy.He caught Yoongi’s stare in the corner of his eye and for once in his life, Hobi actually startled out of the routine and broke into a laugh. He had to stop dancing altogether. “What are you doing?” he asked, amused.“I was just watching! I wasn’t even doing anything. You were doing a great job.”“You were trying to make me flustered,” Hobi accused him finally. The maknaes weren’t even paying attention so Yoongi decided to take advantage.“You should dance like this more often,” Yoongi suggested. “I think you were finally starting to look at yourself the way I see you.”“Looking for imperfections to correct?” Hobi teased. Hobi started the dance over again, visibly ignoring Yoongi’s stare. As he made it through the routine without much criticism for himself, he announced he was finished. After getting high fives from the maknaes, he was surprised by an attack hug from Jungkook from behind. The sight made Yoongi’s heart skip a beat. As the maknae picked up the dancer and swung him around in congratulations, Yoongi wondered how he ever deserved to be part of such a perfect group of men.“Jimin, how come you don’t ever pick me up like that?” Yoongi complained. Jimin rolled his eyes.“Why don’t you go next?” Jimin volunteered him up. Yoongi narrowed his eyes at him. Jimin narrowed his right back until they were both giggling like idiots.Yoongi made it through most of the routine with a reasonable rate of success. During the start of one of his solos, there was a move where he pointedly had to bend by sticking out his butt and while he was at first worried about looking silly, he was amused when the first thing he saw in the reflection was Jimin’s eyes being very much on target.“Eyes up here, Park Jimin!” Yoongi said, finding it convenient the dance move allowed for freestyle hands so that he could dramatically gesture at his eye level before going back to the dance without missing a beat.The good thing about this band was getting to say things like this all the time and having no one get suspicious that it might be serious or true. Everyone chuckled at Jimin’s blushing like he had probably just zoned out or something and hadn’t meant to be staring.Getting into the dance, Yoongi knew he could possibly make it to the end of the song at least miming the correct dance moves, even if they didn’t look as smooth as they should have. Hitting the bridge, Yoongi wished he had never looked up when the door to the dance room opened. In walked Jin and Taehyung, returning from their lunch. Tae looked at him and then looked away like he had been slapped.Yoongi lost his footing and went onto the wrong foot for a couple of moves. Hobi looked confused. “You almost had it, hyung,” he said finally before pausing the music. “We’ll just have to work on the ending.” Nodding, Yoongi kept his head down and let the others run their dances until it was time for everyone else to finally take their late lunch.When everyone else left, Yoongi stayed behind to keep running the dance. It was only about ten minutes later when someone returned. With a wrapped lunch, Hobi returned to the center of the floor holding up an apple for Yoongi. “Bite this, then you can keep dancing.”“I’m not hungry.”“It fits your diet,” Hobi clarified.“Why does everyone think I’m hung up on that diet? I’m just not hungry.”“Why so touchy?” Hobi inquired. “You were fine a little while back.” Yoongi shrugged and shook his head, taking the apple and reluctantly taking a bite before handing it back. “You’re overthinking this dance.”“You’re making me do the visual’s part,” Yoongi complained.“Yeah, I put you in the best suited role.”“That’s really sweet, Hobi, but-”“Don’t start on the whole ‘flirting’ thing again. I’m talking about the role in the dance. Her solos require less dancing and more posing while looking sexy. As long as you figure out what to do with that, it’ll be easier to learn than learning the extra dance steps.” Yoongi considered it before trying to conceal a pout.“I don’t feel like being sexy,” Yoongi whined.“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but we both know that once you’re on the spot, you’ll figure it out.”“What are you talking about?”“Looking cool or doing the sexy thing, you always do it when you need to, you just moan and complain the entire time until it’s showtime.” Yoongi narrowed his eyes at Hobi. “It’s not a crime to have you figured out, Min Yoongi. You’re very predictable. It’s just a matter of how long you’ll keep acting like you don’t know how to be sexy.” Hobi smirked in his direction.The stupid song came to mind again.
Baby you're dangerous, dangerous when you look at me like that.
This song was going to be the death of him.“Look, I think Min Yoongi can pull it off just fine, but if you need to phone in Agust D for it, I’m sure Taehyung will be thrilled.” Yoongi took a full second to unclench his body after hearing his name. Hobi handed him back the apple and waited for him to take another bite. “Either way, Min Yoongi, Agust D, Suga, whoever is doing it, you all need to eat.” Hobi smiled, amused at himself. Taking one of the packed lunches Hobi brought, Yoongi excused himself to his lab, a few different memories fighting to take center stage at the worst possible second. 
They held onto each other for dear life that night, acting as each other’s gravity, air, and shield from whatever the night could throw at them. With a chemistry that intimidated even the closest of their other friends, Hobi and Yoongi were always either holding hands, resting on each other’s shoulders, or otherwise demonstrating their connection when they went out. It wasn’t what Yoongi was usually like when out celebrating, but it was a routine he learned with Hobi. They took turns claiming each other with possessive touches or protective glares at passersby, all while smiling innocently at each other and pushing boundaries to see how far they would go.

Even among the trainees, no one could fully understand what Yoongi and Hobi’s intentions were with these attitudes. No one really knew what to call that dynamic in a friendship, so they all seemingly decided it was just ‘quirky’ behavior from the otherwise platonic pair. It was how they got away with so much without having to admit the oddity of it to each other.

Sitting at the bar with Hobi’s hand on his knee, Yoongi would always be grateful to the high likelihood that their fellow trainees were mostly gay. The few he knew were straight or would generally find him and Hobi confusing were clueless, but the ones Yoongi believed were suspicious seemed to have stories of their own to hide.

Truth be told, the only party that Yoongi found impossible to read was Hobi. Just in thinking about him, Yoongi was painfully reminded about how scary but exciting it was to have Hobi get handsy with him. It was one of Yoongi’s favorite parts of getting drunk with him. Sure, on a normal day, the two of them switched roles or moods depending on context. However, whenever they were out, it was as though Hobi was painfully aware of how free they all were to do as they pleased. Yoongi could go find a stranger to flirt with, to kiss, to go home with, and it was as if the idea of that freedom alone was enough to drive Hobi crazy. Yoongi didn’t like possessiveness but the idea of his friend being willing to fight to keep his attention, to be so eager to make him choose him over any stranger-

Well, there was just nothing like a night out with Hobi. He daydreamed about those little treats whenever things were getting too tense between them or when they were getting too worked up. It was as if they could both tell exactly what they needed, and they’d make the time to go out with friends to get their fix and then make another couple weeks possible. What really got them off was the reminder that they could go be with anyone else but they’d cling to each other like glue on nights out while their friends disappeared one-by-one.

Even though it was a special celebration, Yoongi was intent on spending the night the way he usually did, imagining from time to time what it would feel like if that hand on his knee slid up his thigh. Once every few outings it would wander a little higher than it should. It would walk itself to a particularly scandalous spot and settle there with a squeeze under the table that made Yoongi forget momentarily that it wasn’t just the two of them out. He’d be fortunate to not let out so much as a huff of acknowledgement that Hobi was getting his way by claiming him with simple touches.

This celebration was particularly massive, especially as it was in honor of Hobi this time, he should have known more than the usual amount of friends would come. Once he was a few drinks in and Hobi had his hands in place under the table, Yoongi didn’t even notice the people around them anymore. It was like everyone was fading away. He could only watch Hobi enjoy the party, enjoying how much happier and prouder Hobi would get with each well wishing from each friend. The shameless smile on his face was mesmerizing. Yoongi felt dizzy just looking at him.

After two hours of making it out without raising any eyebrows, their friends bid their adieus and left one-by-one until it was just their usual crew. Once midnight hit, even their inner circle started dwindling. As they were offered a ride by the last of their friends trying to leave, Yoongi and Hobi exchanged a look that Yoongi had genuinely thought was innocent. They didn’t feel like leaving yet.

“Giving up already?” Yoongi asked Seokjin again. “I’ve still got a bar or two in me.” He pouted. “What happened to bully you?” He sounded as disappointed as he could. “Bully Jin would have gone at least two more bars and forced us all to play along.”

“Bully Jin wouldn’t have been invited tonight,” Jin pointed out to Yoongi with a wink. Yoongi didn’t need the reminder that the men he was surrounded in were obscenely handsome, but Jin always managed to provide that effortless courtesy call. “Hobi, you look exhausted,” he pointed out. “This is great news but you also want to be careful and not burn yourself out already. There will be plenty of time to celebrate later.”

Hoseok chuckled. “I’ve just got to tire Yoongi out on the night life so I know he won’t sneak off in the middle of the night.”

“He is slippery,” Jin agreed with a laugh. “You two have fun. I’m too old for this.” Hobi did his best not to roll his eyes, even just playfully, at his elder but Jin really made him want to. Jin could tell he was fighting back. He snorted. “Take care of each other. Yoongi, don’t make trouble for Hobi. I’ve never seen anyone put up with so much of your shit.” Yoongi chuckled and drunkenly hugged Hobi’s arm, hiding his face shyly.

With that, Jin drove off and it was as though Yoongi and Hobi became painfully aware of their surroundings. Separating, they realized without their friends, there was no way to hide their antics in such a way that people wouldn’t raise their eyebrows at them. Having eyes on you for such things wasn’t safe for two men out alone in this neighborhood.

Yoongi had nearly forgotten they were celebrating Hobi’s victory, he was so drunk.

“Tonight’s not my night,” Yoongi reminded him, already missing being closer to him than this safe distance. “If you want to go home, we can go home.”

Hobi smiled at him. “Are you kidding? I just want to be here with you.” His best friend seemed to be struggling just as much with the distance between them. They couldn’t so much as hold hands at this hour without asking for trouble. “Or anywhere. Let’s find somewhere else,” Hobi admitted, clearly finding this place as eerie as Yoongi was finding it. “One of the boys slipped me the key to the hideout.”

The hideout was a space the trainees used as backup quarters in case they were out breaking company rules and needed a place to crash. It was a bit of a hookup den but neither of them felt like dwelling on that yet, not when they wanted to leave the area so badly.

It wasn’t until they arrived at the nearly empty apartment that it really hit them what the room was mostly used for. Ignoring those thoughts, Hobi made a space for them on the most comfortable of the beds, a top bunk that was tricky to get into. It was worthwhile when the view of the moon they were promised to have was shown off by the large window adjacent to the bed. Before he climbed up, Yoongi took all the available clean blankets and pillows and threw them up onto the bunk. As Hobi settled their spots, he sat facing the window with Yoongi once he made his way up. Wrapped in as many blankets as they could stack, the two of them went back to how they were sitting in the bar.

Hobi’s hand on his knee, Yoongi would have been just as happy if the night had stayed like this with them watching the moon and talking about what the future would hold now for Hobi. A smell seemed to bother Hobi.

“Someone must have left food,” he complained. “It’s not terrible but it just smells like a grandmother’s pantry in here.”

“Romantic,” Yoongi retorted. Hobi gave him an amused look.

“Why does it need to be romantic?” Yoongi nearly worked himself up and got flustered right until Hobi started giggling drunkenly.

“You know exactly what I meant-” Yoongi pouted. “This is a hookup den. That’s not-” A thought occurred to him. “Hobi, why are we in the hookup den?” Willing himself not to panic, Yoongi clearly failed based on how amused Hobi was with him.

“You look great and all, Yoongi, but I don’t think you’ve noticed how drunk you are right now,” Hobi joked. “So I hope you’re not getting any ideas.” Yoongi couldn’t tell if he was serious and was seconds from apologizing when Hobi used Yoongi’s wrists to gently pull him closer to talk, bringing him closer until they were leaning against each other for support. It was a smooth movement, but Hobi seemed to misunderstand the distance between them as being conversational. They were barely inches from each other.

Pulling back to an appropriate distance, Yoongi giggled. “You might be more drunk than I am. You just always think you’re really sober.”

“I can see you clear as day,” Hobi argued stubbornly.

“Duh. I’m only a few inches away from you.” Yoongi rolled his eyes and made Hobi smile.

“I guess you’ll have to stay here so I can see you.” Yoongi knew better than to answer with how happy he was to do exactly that, but it was all that was running through his mind. As bland as the place was, it was safe. Everyone had promised to cover for them and say they were with family so that they could get plastered for Hobi’s big day.

As far as their friends were concerned, these two were meant to go back to bar hopping but Yoongi and Hoseok could both tell that wherever they went, the location would just become a new distraction or danger, just a hindrance keeping them from what they really wanted.

“We’re so boring,” Yoongi teased. “We gave up the second our friends were gone.” Hobi made a noise like he didn’t agree.

“Or we finally got to do what we really wanted,” Hobi argued. “I’m where I want to be.”

“What? Watching the stars in a small apartment used to harbor messy, gross activities.”

“Don’t talk about Namjoon’s relationship like that,” Hobi muttered under his breath. Yoongi laughed so hard the bed shook. Hobi seemed pleased with himself that Yoongi liked the joke so much, tugging on Yoongi’s hand, he pulled him into an embrace, Yoongi’s body held firmly in Hobi’s strong, protective hold. Yoongi hoped they’d do this again so it could be his turn to hold Hobi the same way. He wanted to know what that was like, Hobi nearly being his. “What did we even do for Namjoon’s party?” Hobi asked suddenly.

“He hated us so much,” Yoongi started, resisting a laugh. “No one knew about Mi-Cha so the entire night’s plan was about getting him laid. He hated it so, so much. I almost felt bad.”

“But you didn’t do anything,” Hobi argued. Yoongi was happy he didn’t shiver from the sudden sensation of Hobi having sighed out onto the back of his neck. As he tried to recount details from that night, Yoongi was desperately aware of how much he needed Hobi to laugh so close to his skin over again to trigger that same chill through his body he just had.

Yoongi couldn’t decide whether to hold his breath or to fill his lungs as desperately as he could with Hoseok’s scent, which was radiating onto the jacket Yoongi lent him for the night. Yoongi never let anyone borrow it, it was the nicest clothing item he owned and it was a gift from Big Hit, used for a costume for an old investor showcase.

He only let Hobi touch it once or twice, believing it truly would be a rare occurrence, unaware that the jacket would practically become co-owned after sometime. Despite how protective he was of the jacket, Yoongi wondered how much longer Hobi might wear it and how long it would take to make sure the smell of his cologne would linger on the jacket.

It wasn’t even occurring to him how smitten these thoughts were becoming.

Playing with the front, Yoongi adjusted and re-adjusted the jacket just to have something to do, loving the feel of grabbing both sides and pulling Hoseok closer to him. The daring little smile on his face seemed to have made his best friend speechless. Hoseok just watched him with this look on his face like he knew what the future held for both of them, as though he was waiting for Yoongi to catch up.

Yoongi didn’t know what it meant but he loved feeling Hoseok’s stare, the way he’d examine his face like he was looking for new answers. As Hoseok and Yoongi sat close enough to breathe on each other, Hoseok managed to snake the hand on Yoongi’s knee upward. He pressed down there like a pressure point that made Yoongi feel safe and wanted. Already aware of where this was going, Yoongi was intensely aware of how Hobi’s hand only ever moved when Yoongi felt like he was ready for it to.
Being around Hobi never stopped making Yoongi feel as though his best friend’s entire world revolved around keeping Yoongi comfortable. Hobi’s hand slid up Yoongi’s thigh just smoothly enough that at no point did Yoongi want to pull back. He had no idea what to say, but that didn’t seem to interfere with their intent. Hoseok moved his other hand up just gently enough to squeeze a grip on Yoongi’s hip and make his breath falter as he was pulled in closer by his hips until he was sitting on Hobi’s lap, straddling him. 
A little dizzy, Yoongi couldn’t admit to himself how comfortable it was having no idea what was going on but still feeling completely safe. His arm snaked around Hobi’s neck, pulling him in closer. Hobi quickly had a hand under Yoongi’s chin before he just barely started inching their lips closer together. Yoongi didn’t expect him to be so upfront. He didn’t expect any of this to be so easy, but right before their lips met, it was almost like Hobi was testing to see if he was listening.

Foreheads together and just breathing in sync, Yoongi wasn’t sure he expected words to find their place in this exchange. However, he and Hobi both loved words. Both songwriters, words were equal to music in how they’d learned to communicate their feelings to the world at large. Even if they didn’t need words between them, Hobi found some that made Yoongi wonder if any moment could ever be more perfect. 
On a normal day of practice, Hobi would find a particularly exhausted Yoongi lounging in a chair begging for the end of the day to come already. He’d make him straighten up, put both hands under his cheeks and hold his face as if presenting him to the world. While Yoongi would struggle to get away, mumbling jokes about having a reputation to uphold, Hobi would turn to the nearest trainee and go “look, I’m holding my entire world in my hands”.

At the expense of Yoongi’s reputation, which was already fragile to begin with among the trainees who knew him best, this became the trainee running gag in respect to their friendship. ‘Soulmates’, they’d be called.

Now, as Hobi made the same hand gesture holding Yoongi’s face in both his hands, Yoongi almost didn’t want to wait to hear him say the words. ‘Soulmates,’ the nickname rang in his head again. He could live with that. He would love nothing more.
“My whole world,” he mumbled half of the thought before getting lost in impatience. Just as desperate, the words had Yoongi whimper when their lips met, overwhelmed by the atmosphere and sensation of it all. He was too drunk to process it all at once, but he had been so happy despite the sensory overload that all he could think of that would make it better had been the kiss he was waiting for. 
There was one other thing that could make it better, but he never would have imagined in his wildest dreams that it’d ever be true.

“I love you.”

All logical intuition in Yoongi had him believing that he’d been the one to say it. Because, really, who else would? However, his memory called out to him, repeating the memory over and over in his head as Hobi kept kissing him. He wasn’t the one that pulled away to say it. It wasn’t even said in his voice. It wasn’t being said to Hoseok. Yoongi had to think he’d imagined the whole thing. There was no way Hobi had really just-

“I love you, Yoongi,” his best friend repeated as he pulled away and then kissed Yoongi again. Yoongi didn’t get the time to debate whether he should take the chance to say it back. Hoseok didn’t give him the opportunity. He kissed Yoongi until his lips felt numb. He held him flush against his own body as if letting go would mean Yoongi could disappear into thin air.

Gently, Hobi’s hands were grabbing at and caressing whatever part of Yoongi it could reach. They were sensations that didn’t make Yoongi feel used, they made him feel wanted. Pulling away from their kiss just to scatter kisses all over his face, Yoongi was getting overwhelmed to the point where he was almost relieved when he realized the moment was ending. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could have taken without crying.

They were both too tired to continue, but as things slowed, there was no unpleasant let down that crossed either of their minds. Eventually, Hobi’s hands slid down to his knees again. Yoongi stayed on his lap, Hobi just adjusted the both of them so that Yoongi would be in the inner half of the bunk, protected from a possible fall. Yoongi felt himself being pulled in until he had his head on Hobi’s heart. Hearing their heartbeats go calm lulled Yoongi to sleep with such ease, he didn’t even realize they were falling asleep without a word.

Startled awake hours later, Yoongi didn’t think the real world could crash a life event that had been so clear cut. That hour with Hobi had given him every answer he’d ever needed about their friendship. He knew now that Hobi would be good to him. Yoongi knew he wouldn’t be sacrificing this friendship just to admit to his feelings. He knew Hobi loved him. And he knew for certain now that he loved him back and without any regrets.

Having your questions answered and having your wishes come true were two entirely different things.

Waking up with a fright, Yoongi was consoled by Hobi’s amused laughter after having felt him slip off the top bunk and hit the floor. With light flooding into the apartment and overheating the room, Yoongi figured it had to be way past noon. Cringing from his hangover, he kept checking over and over that Hobi was okay.

“Yeah, yeah-” he assured Yoongi as he fussed over whether Hobi hit his head or anything critical. “I’ll be fine.”

With that, Yoongi felt comfortable with his cue to laugh at Hobi’s expense. Hobi clearly wasn’t offended, but he also seemed distracted. He took a careful look at the top bunk, as if trying to place items or piece together a truth.

Yoongi felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“How did we get here?” Hobi asked finally.
In hindsight, Yoongi was only disappointed in himself for thinking things would end any other way. As much as he let his imagination run wild last night, they were bandmates now. After all, he was staring at the newest member of BTS, his contract signed less than 24 hours ago. As the band gathered to show their last run of their solos, they agreed to leave the big group routine for review the next morning before the interview. Starting with Jungkook, the entire band made its way through all the solos to see how everyone’s progress was.“Aegyo!” Yoongi announced to Jungkook as he continued his solo, a cover of a really young girl group’s latest song. Made by a viral rookie band, the dance and song struck the band as catchy but boring. Jungkook was, as always, playing their sacrificial lamb. Since his fans were the youngest and actually very likely to follow this band, he was the one chosen as the sacrifice to fight for fan attention.Jungkook was certainly being professional about it, even if it was clearly he wanted nothing more than to die. The dance was all about precision and timing, so Jungkook wasn’t going to let their hooting throw him off and make him seem unpracticed. Especially not with Hobi’s watchful eye on him.With a sweet bunny smile that significantly rivaled the cuteness of the original group, Jungkook came off as charming and authentic despite the silliness of the situation. The band gave him the credit he was due, all impressed he’d managed to take it as seriously as he did.Jin was next. As he got into position, Yoongi could tell Jin was determined to kill this dance on principle. He wasn’t planning of half-assing this routine, that much was clear just from the way he first turned up his head in the very first move of the dance. Though he wasn’t perfect, he was looser than usual, relaxed as he executed the solo with a kind of cocky ease.Once he seemed convinced that he might get through this routine, he finally let himself start to perform. The cockiness was glorious to see on him, especially as he got more and more into it.  Yoongi couldn’t help but forget himself as Jin presented his dance. The pressure had been good for him, he could tell just by the way he was putting his all into making the routine look good even if he knew the dance would never be perfect.Yoongi wondered why Jin wasn’t doing a girl’s group routine like the rest of them, but with the way he and Hobi went off and whispered in the corner during so much of his rehearsal, he just assumed it wasn’t any of his business.His booming applause was well deserved.Going with the rebellious breakup song of the year, Namjoon’s cover of a female soloists routine was simple at first. In fact, he did it the way a fan normally would, more to show off the choreography than to actually do it. When the laughter died down and the song went into the first chorus, it was like his leader mode kicked in and he was suddenly taking it all seriously.People never gave Namjoon enough credit for it but he was a decent dancer when it came to following choreography. Yoongi accidentally almost made himself giggle just from thinking about Namjoon’s freestyling.Just as everyone was paying attention to Namjoon as he did the basic dance, suddenly he started to have fun with it. Singing along loudly and offkey, the band was out of breath within seconds. It was during one of the voice cracks that Yoongi was particularly hit with the memory of himself and Namjoon singing karaoke to every bad breakup song in the book when Namjoon finally left his girlfriend for the last time.Yoongi hated how impossible it was to stay mad at anyone in this band.No matter what, Yoongi had to accept the fact that he was going to watch Tae’s routine much more closely than he wanted. He immediately recognized the song as it began to play, but it didn’t hit him how fitting the song was to their situation until he saw uncomfortable Tae became under his stare.“Do what you want even if you’re playing the villain and even if you make me sad. You have to be yourself,” the song went. Tae continued, looking increasingly uncomfortable that Yoongi was there. “Even if you hurt me, even if it’s a sad ending, the show must go on.”Yoongi felt like he’d been turned to stone. Watching Taehyung with an empty stare, he could tell his eyes were making the pressure worse on Tae as he kept glancing up to his reflection in the mirror. He was doing the dance like he’d been practicing for days, but every glance at Yoongi made the lyrics hit home.This felt almost like a message.As Tae wrapped up the dance, the applause was supportive and friendly. Only Jin spoke at the end, sounding a bit confused. “Why so nervous, Tae? I thought you loved this song.” Tae looked startled, clearly trying to avoid looking directly at Yoongi. “It’s a really old routine,” Tae said suddenly. “Maybe I should pick something else.” Yoongi could see his hands shaking. Tae was avoiding his eyes enough that Yoongi could tell this really was about him.So Tae saw him as a bully? Fine. Yoongi just expected him to own up to it.“It’s too late for a new song,” Namjoon said finally.“You really wanted to do this song,” Jin encouraged. “I think you should stick with it. You just have to really commit to it.”“I agree,” Yoongi piped in. He and Tae exchanged looks, Yoongi’s look particularly empty and dark. “I think it’s a fitting song.” He could see hurt in Tae’s eyes, but Yoongi felt like it was unfair of Tae to act hurt for getting called out. If he wanted to send a message, than he needed to have the courage to stand up for what he did.“Then you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tae answered back. Some of the band members tuned in for the first time now, surprised as Tae’s tone.“Guys, it’s just a song,” Namjoon said, brushing it off. “Jimin, you’re up next.”As he set up, Yoongi implored himself not to try and sneak a glance at Tae. He wasn’t in the mood to provoke more of a reaction.If he could use acid to burn memories out of his mind, he’d burn this stupid song first so it’d stop coming to mind.
I'm leaving tonight with you in my mind so you'll never be erased from my memories.
His attention called elsewhere, Yoongi turned from Tae to Jimin as he took center stage. Jimin took on another rookie girl group himself, albeit a much older one than Jungkook’s group. Performing a mashup of their two hits of the past year, Jimin really showcased himself at his best by interpreting the moves into much more flexible parts of choreography, allowing him to put together a version of the routine that set him up to look his best.If he hadn’t started out so sour during the routine, Yoongi would have probably been grinning like a fool to see Jimin enjoy himself so much. In a way, he had to be grateful to Tae for killing his mood. As Jimin finished to thrilled applause from the band, he took a second to smile right at Yoongi when he saw how amused he looked. As Jimin approached him, Yoongi could feel another set of eyes on him. Turning, he caught Tae just in time to catch him before he looked away.“Yoongi, you’re up-” Namjoon announced, startling Yoongi just to hear his name.Yoongi hadn’t been looking forward to showcasing. Not only was he far behind the others, but he knew Hobi had been right about him before. His only option was to pull off the routine as best he could and hope it would be enough. It was much like Hobi has said, Yoongi was at his best when he knew he had no time to make excuses. Being sexy was a fabricatable skill. He knew how to make it happen if it needed to happen.His face remained straight as the first moves started, a simple match of his head shifting to one side at the same time as his hips, the team seemed impressed that he had anything pulled together at all.During his solos, he particularly pushed the effortlessness of the dance to make himself seem cooler. He danced as if just to show the others the dance was no big deal, while not making any sacrifices for quality.It was like it clicked in his mind where he needed to be strong and where he needed to be soft. The practice was paying off, and with how much the song had played in his thoughts and tormented him, he knew the song by heart already. His level of comfort with the material was really the biggest factor in owning this dance.During the visual’s much darker solos, he was meant to do a soulful stare and command with hand gestures. Putting as much of a spin on it as he could, he used his trained ease and control with gestures to his advantage, looking like he didn’t have a single hair out of place during the key solos.Being that the cameras on these shows rarely wanted to give him much attention, he wasn’t used to having to take an opportunity to really capture an audience. He aimed for a few qualities he’d noticed in Jin’s methods. He tried to be hypnotizing and captivating. At the very least, he hoped his performance was exciting.Most of his efforts, however, went for dangerous .Dangerous he could pull off in any circumstance. He could look like a mother’s worst nightmare with just a smirk and a swipe of his lip. He was practiced in looking the kind of unstable that made people turn into magnets around him, desperate to know what it was about him that was so risky. It was what attracted people to him as a rapper. He seemed harmless but he had a bite to him, like a trap with a good cover.Yoongi took pride in knowing that, even if it was just his persona, people would see these qualities and think of them as sexy. He’d found a way to get away with being himself and still charming people who don’t seem to know better. He wasn’t one to use the power maliciously, but it was nice to know he had a power he could wield when necessary.Deciding to test it out, he took advantage of the next major visual’s solo and aimed his stare at someone watching. Forcing himself to stay steady, he tried not to back down when he realized he was making eye contact with Tae.Tae was definitely taken away by the performance. There was confusion in his eyes that made Yoongi endlessly curious. Most interesting of all, though, was how Tae couldn’t seem to look away.So heavily distracted by his own efforts, Yoongi nearly missed the boys hooting at him for succeeding during his solo windows. Praising him every time they were particularly impressed, Yoongi didn’t even smile as he continued. His eyes did take a few glances around at the others.Jungkook looked conflicted. It made his eyes linger just a little longer. While he seemed very taken by the performance, his eyes were peeled away every so often. Yoongi finally caught him glancing at Taehyung. Looking back to Tae, he looked just as miserable as he was the last time Yoongi looked over.Moving on to Jimin, Yoongi just received a smirk when their eyes met. He almost smiled but instead let his eyes travel on.Hobi seemed impressed more than anything. Yoongi was ready to leave it there until another one of his solos came up. Focusing in the mirror on his own face, he glanced back to Hobi out of habit only to see his expression change once Yoongi got intentionally seductive. There was something dark in his eyes replacing his usual smiley demeanor. Yoongi actually smirked at this.Before he could catch glimpses at Jin or Namjoon, the routine ended. In his final pose, the loudest applause seemed to be coming from Jin and Namjoon. Praising Yoongi for hustling to make an end product, Namjoon was in a particularly better mood for the rest of the day.“I knew you were a good dancer, Yoongi, but I have no idea how you pulled that off in one day,” Namjoon praised, pleasantly surprised. Leaving the center of the room, Yoongi caught Tae still staring at him. He wished he knew what was running through the man’s mind. He wondered if their old lessons haunted Tae like it was haunting him now.Yoongi hated love songs, he remembered as that look in Tae’s eyes reminded him of the line that played as their eyes met.I'm leaving tonight with you in my mind so you'll never be erased from my memories .
For a twenty-one year old man, Kim Taehyung’s whining game was killing it. Yoongi wished there was a way to make that useful on camera because otherwise the band was seemingly doomed if this boy was meant to be taken seriously while acting sexy.

“Hyung,” he whined for the fifth time. Yoongi hummed in response. “When are we going to practice acting sexy?” Yoongi choked on the cereal he’d just spooned into his mouth. Smiling as he forced himself to down the food before speaking, the back of his throat burned from the hard swallow.

“Please never say it that loud again.” Tae thought back to what he said and actually started giggling. “You always look so grown up, I keep forgetting you’re a child.”

“I’m 21!”

“Act like it and stop laughing,” he instructed with a chuckle. “Go sit on the floor in front of the mirror, we’re starting with a pep talk.” He took his cereal bowl and moved it with himself as he waited for Tae to sit before taking a seat right next to him. “Did you practice winking at yourself in the mirror?”

“Yes,” Tae answered diligently.

“And?”

“It makes my eyes look creepy.”
“What else , Taehyung?”
“I hate my eyebrows,” he answered. “I see them all the time.”

“They’re on your face. Unless you live in front of a mirror, no. You don’t.”

“You know what I mean,” Tae whined.

“I’m just hearing a lot of complaining,” Yoongi decided. He gestured for Tae to scoot closer to him on the ground. Making him look into the mirror, Yoongi put his hands on both of Tae’s shoulders and smiled as he stared at Tae’s reflection. “You’re going to repeat after me.”

“Okay.”

“I - Kim Taehyung, gift to the women of Korea-”

“Hyung-”

“Say it.”

“I - Kim Taehyung, gift to the women of Korea...”

“-am the shit.”

“-am the shit.”

Taking in a deep breath, Yoongi continued and had Taehyung repeat word for word after him until finally they’d reached a final conclusion. “Now say it altogether over again. Whatever you can remember.”

“I, Kim Taehyung, gift to the women of Korea, am the shit. I have the jaw of a winner, the eyes of an angel, the voice of a god, and….and in no way do I resemble a bunny when I smile so at least I’ve got that going for me-” Yoongi slapped his hand upward to collide lightly with the back of Tae’s head.

“Don’t go off-book,” he instructed diligently. “Continue.”

“I am a good person who makes good decisions, so it is okay to use my looks when I feel like it and without feeling the need to get other people’s permission. I will continue feeling good about myself and as long as I don’t bully my hyung for being short, everything else is fair game.”

“There you go, kid.” Yoongi was awfully pleased with himself for someone who’d just actively made something up for shits and giggles. “Did you work on your stare?”

The stare Tae gave in response was engaging. Not captivating yet, but getting there.

“You’re learning!” his hyung noted proudly, a little awed by the glow Tae gave off when he smiled over the compliment. It was a waste to train a man to be uncomfortable and sexy when his natural aura was attractive enough. Still, Yoongi couldn’t pretend he wasn’t excited to see what the end result would be.
The song didn’t stop haunting him even as Yoongi locked himself in his room. Unsatisfied with that song still ringing in his head over and over, Yoongi kept playing the music on loop as the others went to sleep. Running the routine over and over, he was pretty sure he was hitting the point of exhaustion where he was seeing things. He could almost feel Hobi’s familiar smell invading the air, the taste of that kiss.He hadn’t eaten all day and here he was practically sweating from running the routine so hard. Convincing himself a shower would cure all ails, Yoongi washed away the day’s troubles, promising himself that sleep would make everything better in the morning. Just thinking those words made him wish Jungkook was here again, made him reimagine that kiss and wish he knew more about the context it came in.He’d managed to go the whole day seeing Jungkook but not letting that kiss invade his thoughts. Now, though, memories of the kiss made him eager for more developments, at least for better access to the truth.Every time he tried to go to sleep, his mind surged with thoughts of the song or of his fears for the day ahead. Eventually, all that came to him would be these lyrics:
Like a red apple that I want to bite, I love you like the sweet cream that’s on your lips.
The lyrics occurred to him over and over as his mind played tricks on him and seduced him with the memory of Hobi’s kiss. It was the same memory that kept him tempted to try his chances with his best friend, just mild enough in power that he could resist when he needed to. He was too tired to resist now, though.But it wasn’t Hobi on his mind. Jungkook’s kiss from this morning had to mean something . Gestures like that didn’t just happen. His bed felt empty without the maknae and he knew he wouldn’t be able to settle into that bed without reimagining that kiss until it kept him awake all night. He needed that again, even just something similar would be enough. Even just having his lips on Jungkook’s skin would suffice, anything to silence this urge.He normally wasn’t one to just invite himself to Jungkook’s room. In fact, it was rare that he approach Jungkook’s room at all, but today he was desperate. He told himself the trip was in search of someone who could be there to stop him from overworking himself. More realistically, he wanted to quench a thirst and Jungkook had been the one to introduce the need to him. It was only fair that he answer for what he’d started.Knocking softly, Yoongi entered the room as quietly as he could only to be surprised when Jungkook wasn’t standing around to greet him. Worried maybe he wasn’t home, Yoongi felt a little more assured upon seeing the comfortable lump under the comforters.Just before he could think to move up to the form, he realized there was a running sound echoing in the room. Water.The shower was on.In just a matter of seconds, Yoongi was sure he was caught in a nightmare that wouldn’t allow him a peaceful escape. Unable to help himself, he turned the corner around the bed, needing to know who was there. Missing the sound of the water being cut, Yoongi had no idea anyone was coming as his eyes finally made out the figure through the darkness. Hobi, exhausted from a day of instructing the team, was passed out while wrapped in Jungkook’s comforters like it was a second home, looking cozier than Yoongi had ever seen him.He couldn’t move. His legs were frozen in place as if he couldn’t even remember how to move. It just didn’t make any sense to him why anyone would be here if Jungkook said he was sleeping better. He would have no need for company if that was true.Unless he was replacing Yoongi.The thought too consuming for Yoongi to control, he missed the cue to get out as Jungkook approached the door of his bathroom only to mirror his frozen state. Even if Jungkook had had quite the scare, Yoongi had to respect that it was clear Jungkook knew him very well. As soon as he snapped out of his fear, Jungkook was at his side, trying to reach for him but afraid to touch him without permission. His voice sounded as devastated as Yoongi felt staring at Hobi lying there sleeping peacefully.This basically spelled out a story Yoongi didn’t want to hear. All he knew was he was being lied to and yet another secret had left him vulnerable to attack. “Hyung, I can explain,” Jungkook’s voice cracked just in his first few words. That right there was enough for Yoongi to understand there was something suspicious at play here. Jungkook was petrified. He approached Yoongi as if he was talking a man off a ledge, preventing him from doing something drastic.Yoongi refused to be handled.Feeling like he was shaking, Yoongi didn’t know how to soothe himself from the sensation he felt in this moment. It wasn’t pain, it was ache. He was too sore for raw pain, so his body was seemingly just taking on whatever aftershocks it could.“I can explain,” he heard again as a pair of large hands took one of his. He didn’t realize he was tearing up until now. Yoongi couldn’t even explain it. He snatched his hand away, blinked back the tears and stumbled on his way back to his room, rushing so he wouldn’t have to talk.For the rest of the night, Yoongi ignored the quiet but desperate knocks on the door. He was unresponsive to the phone calls and to all messages that came. He didn’t want to know anything today. Today was already too bad a day. He wouldn’t add anything on, even if he knew there was a small chance maybe Jungkook hadn’t lied to him.Yoongi just needed some sleep first and then he’d be ready for anything. Things would look better in the morning and then he’d figure out how to handle it all.
Like a red apple that I want to bite, I love you like the sweet cream that’s on your lips.
The lyric haunted him, playing in his head over and over and forcing him to relive the discovery.Min Yoongi learned years ago to hate love songs. Now, he was pretty sure he was afraid of them.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

On the entire ride to the studio, Yoongi sat with his forehead on the wall of the van, his body trying its best to drift off though his mind was rushing. His head nearly tilting onto the window, Jungkook took his hand to try and snap him out of it to protect his head.“You should nap while we go, just be careful with the glass,” Jungkook suggested gently, clearly longing for things to switch into normal for them. Yoongi gently pulled his hand away and didn’t answer. The maknae stared at him intently. He glanced around for witnesses and then took the distracted state of the sleepy passengers as a sign that he could make a move. Jungkook tried one more time, reaching for his hands and holding one between two of his. The gesture only served to push him back into the memory of last night he was trying to forget.“No,” Yoongi whispered.“Hyung please,” Jungkook whispered very close to his ear. “Please let’s just talk first.” Yoongi licked his lips and looked around the van himself. No one was listening.“Don’t push me today,” he finally whispered back. It was in a deadly serious tone, a warning that he meant business. “Not before the interview. We’re meant to look happy. We’re meant to look friendly.”“I want you to be happy with me again, hyung. Just let me explain.” Jungkook’s tone was not at all short of begging. The boy was shamelessly showing his hand. He clearly needed Yoongi’s forgiveness more than anything, but Yoongi knew he wasn’t going to be giving any today.He finally leaned over to Jungkook’s ear and whispered, “Unless you can promise me you didn’t lie, unless your words to me are going to explain why Hoseok being in your bed has nothing to do with me, and especially nothing to do with me pushing you away that night, unless you can tell me you never lied to me, then-”Yoongi couldn’t help himself. He tagged something else on for good measure. “Or instead, you can tell me what happened that night at karaoke. Any of these will mean that we’re okay. Anything else, Jungkook… Anything else ends up in something you are not going to want to hear before the interview, because I’ve had it. I’m done.”Yoongi was seconds from telling Jungkook he was just another liar on his list, unable to stop himself from having snapped so hard, but Namjoon piped up to say something on the other side of the van. It made Yoongi look and see just how close Jungkook was to tears. All of Yoongi’s resolution was gone, leaving only regret.“Let’s just try and keep our spirits up today-” Namjoon started with his eyes fixed on Tae as Yoongi pulled his hand out of Jungkook’s hands and turned back to the window. Trying to breathe calmly again and wiping at his cheekbones to confirm he didn’t cry, Yoongi was relieved he successfully kept it all in. He felt like that would end up being the biggest challenge for the day today.Although he was so sleepy, for the rest of the ride Yoongi’s mind was too awake, rushing ever since he’d heard the bad news. Namjoon had informed him of the bad host just that morning before he could even brush his teeth. Looking to his older friend for guidance, Namjoon wasn’t surprised Yoongi was unsure of a plan to move forward from the hit they took. Losing the good host for the show so last minute was basically spelling a disaster for them. Although Yoongi could only send his best friend out of the room with a simple pat on the back for good luck, the rapper was leaning on the van’s back window praying to himself that the real plan he’d taken action on after Namjoon left would work.Looking around the van, one could tell they weren’t by any means ready. There were hours left to their day before they’d have to start recording the episode. These hours went into final rehearsals, makeup, hair, camera tests, so much work that they had yet to do. They had hours of hard work ahead of them but they were all so tired they could barely sit up. Even the leader had his body propped up against the back of another seat just so he could deliver his speech.There was nothing new about being too exhausted for a situation being thrown at them. This was their lives now. It was just particularly hard on Yoongi to see it so clearly sometimes. He wished he could protect these boys from this side of their job.As the others already left the van, with the managers giving them each instructions, Jin and Yoongi lingered behind trying to rest a little longer in the van while they could. The studio was among other studios working on the same lot. It was a standard concept in the industry that studio locations floated near each other or even neighbored each other if run by the same owners. As a truck pulled into the lot next door, Jin finally decided to stop fighting the noise for a nap. Yoongi stayed inside, squeezing in a few extra minutes of sleep before the noise finally became too much. He was surprised to see Jin standing there, leaning on the van as if he had nowhere to go. Something about the vibe he was giving off was confusing. It was posed, somehow. It was almost too...cool.“What are you doing?” Yoongi asked, failing to startled Jin as he popped his head out of the van. “You didn’t need to wait for me.”“I’m using you as cover,” Jin explained briefly, his eyes staring off into the distance. He was actively handsome right now. Intentionally.Smirking, Yoongi rolled his eyes as he finally caught on to what was going on. Just as he’d guessed, there was a group of beautiful girls standing around on the other side of the lot. Whispering to each other and glancing over, Jin was definitely feeding the little mystery they clearly had buzzing about whether or not it was really Kim Seokjin.While it was clearly another band, they were in a similar state of disarray. They were not dressed, wore no makeup, and clearly slept in their hair. Honestly, it was a better look on them than idol wardrobe, in Yoongi’s opinion, but he supposed that had to be because he missed the authenticity of it.“Aren’t you dating….um-” Yoongi suddenly felt like shit not remembering her name. Luckily, it was fine because it didn’t seem like Jin wanted him to finish.“No, not anymore,” Jin said. His tone wasn’t as indifferent as Yoongi suddenly wished it would have been. He couldn’t even believe the band didn’t know about Jin’s breakup, so he had to imagine it was bad. It was at least better than imagining he was the only one who didn’t know about it. He really hoped this was just something the full band was ignorant of.Yoongi just nodded in reply, though Jin couldn’t see it. As if on cue, a girl approached from behind her band’s van to peek over at the two. Yoongi wasn’t sure what he’d believe anymore if someone told him this girl wasn’t one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen in his life.She had to be the visual. He definitely didn’t recognize this band, but she glowed in comparison to the rest. Yoongi wasn’t one to get distracted by looks but she was calling his attention, perhaps solely because she looked just as fascinated by them as he was with her. If he didn’t recognize them, they had to be either new or only recently called into attention. It most likely had to be the latter.Pulling his eyes away, he remembered his previous discovery about Jin’s ex-girlfriend and decided he needed to be a good friend. Even if they were fighting.“Where do you want me?” he asked, knowing the drill for wingman-ing.“See if any of them really stare when I turn my back?” Jin asked, careful to see if Yoongi was really interested in helping. Yoongi smiled. He took his dear time getting out of the van so he could get a good look at them. Seeing the visual instantly again, she looked so perfect it struck him as a little unsettling in the most curious of ways. He immediately had to think she’d be boring or she just wouldn’t make sense as a human being. Though she never stared, her eyes innocently looked over once more, this time seemingly directly at Yoongi as if to figure out why there was any attention on her.Yoongi instinctively smiled politely before averting his eyes as usual. He did as Jin asked. He looked quickly to the other girls as Jin turned his back. They switched places as Jin took a few glances over, waiting for Yoongi’s reply. “No,” Yoongi answered with a neutral tone.“Oh.” Jin suddenly stopped looking over and looked straight at Yoongi as if he’d been caught.“Why aren’t you glancing over anymore?” Yoongi asked.Jin tried to keep his mouth as closed as possible. “Because one of them is staring at us.” He suddenly went back to looking over.“It’s not worth it, look away.”“Well-”“Look away, Jin,” Yoongi couldn’t believe his hyung was taking on the risk of them taking an invitation to walk over and talk to them. They didn’t need that kind of attention. That was unbearably risky, but if these girls were new to the scene they wouldn’t know any better.“She can’t see me.” Yoongi looked confused. “I mean she’s not looking at me ,” Jin explained, clearly trying to explain something. When Yoongi didn’t understand, he rolled his eyes. “I think she’s the visual.” Jin looked like he had found the one thing to be certain about in life just by looking at her. “She just has to be. And she’s staring at you. Good job.” The praise seemed genuine. “How did you do it?”Yoongi did his best not to turn around. He debated explaining that she’d caught him looking before and was probably just curious.“Yoongi-hyung, Jin-hyung,” Namjoon called out the stage door, luckily not following their eyes to see what they were staring at. “It’s your turn.” Without any questions asked, they rushed through the studio doors.Yoongi regretted missing as much of the rehearsals as he did. Walking in as Tae finished his dance, he tried not to look bitter as he applauded the vocalist’s efforts. Jin did his run immediately after, his final rendition so elegant that Yoongi was beyond himself while applauding. He’d never felt so proud of his hyung in his life, it was almost enough to wash his major upset with Jin out of his memory for the day.Running his own number, Yoongi could hear more cheers and applause than the time before but he only had one focus in mind. He was frustrated with so many people in the room. He wasn’t looking for approval with this dance anymore, he was looking for dominance. If they weren’t going to respect him enough as a friend to be honest with him, then they’d respect him as a colleague they want on their good side when the time comes. Sure, he’d take care of all of them without being asked, but when things came down to being a matter of coworkers, he wanted to remind them of exactly who they were dealing with.Then the final group rehearsal of the girl group routine that Yoongi now called the “butt dance” was a success. More than anything, Yoongi felt an overwhelming amount of pride for Namjoon for being able to keep up with the dance line and Taehyung. He was right there with them at every beat as if he’d been practicing for months. As Namjoon made his way offstage, Yoongi pointedly pinched his butt for good luck.“Hey!” Namjoon yelped quietly, turning until his eyes found its culprit. Yoongi only winked at him when he saw him.“You gave me permission,” Yoongi reminded him of his old promise.Yoongi was so grateful Hobi had saved his dance for last. Soaking every move in, he hated himself for enjoying it so much but was grateful he’d get a chance to really take Hobi’s work in. He wouldn’t be able to pay so much attention once cameras were on. He’d be expected not to enjoy it so much.There was a commotion while he was distracted, left to be informed of the cause only after the dance was over. As he had his arms around Hobi’s neck, showering him with praise as his friend recoiled from shyness, Jimin finally explained the dilemma.“Namjoon just had a talk with the host,” he said finally. “We were trying to talk him into making the episode a dance-majority episode to avoid too much interviewing or talk-back. He wasn’t really in the mood to hear it. ‘We’ll see how the mood goes’ or something.” Jimin looked like a ghost.“What else?” he asked, knowing Jimin wouldn’t look so grave over details like that.“He also mentioned this was a double feature.” Yoongi turned to Namjoon before turning back to Jimin, waiting for him to finish. “The network cleared for them to give us a double feature. Two slots in the schedule. That’s why we’re supposed to be here for so long today. We’re not shooting one episode-”“-we’re shooting two.” Yoongi felt like his own ghost had left his body for a second. Snapping out of it after seeing all three of the maknae line’s faces look so desolate, he straightened up. “This is the kind of thing they need to start telling us about,” Yoongi said, knowing Namjoon understood he was referring to adding this to the agenda for their meeting with Sejin. As their eyes met, Namjoon pointedly nodded as if to say it definitely made their list of complaints.Jimin let out a shaky sigh before heading behind the dressing curtain of one of the changing rooms. Yoongi held up a hand to Namjoon when the leader began to follow Jimin. He followed the younger man himself, knowing he’d have an easier time helping Jimin pull it back together.After passing the curtain, Yoongi found himself looking down to an overwhelmed Jimin who immediately came up into defenses.“I’m fi-” he cut himself off, hearing his own voice faltering. Yoongi just smiled at him, seeing that Jimin was only on the brink of exasperation but was nowhere near panic yet. Jimin immediately tried to mirror his smile.“Come here,” Yoongi instructed with his arms reaching out. Jimin slid himself into the hug immediately. His arms wrapped around Yoongi’s neck this time, knowing that they had a moment alone together and they didn’t really have to worry about putting up any illusions about their affection. Yoongi reached up a hand to ruffle Jimin’s hair before stopping himself upon realizing he’d probably just gotten his hair done. He knew exactly what to turn to when touch couldn’t do the job for Jimin: compliments. “You look so good I’m a little afraid the host will flirt with you again,” he joked. Jimin let out a quiet whine.“It’s too bad I can’t tell him I’m taken,” Jimin whispered back. Blushing hard, Yoongi wanted to be surprised at how bold Jimin was getting but he knew he’d done nothing but encourage his behavior. Jimin’s face was so close when he turned back that he realized he might as well have been nose to nose with him. Even at this proximity, it was as if Jimin couldn’t help teasing him. “Did I make you shy?”“No, I just-” Yoongi wanted to melt into the floor the moment he realized he didn’t have a better excuse or lie to give. “I just wanted to see your outfit.” He put his hands on Jimin’s waist to gently encourage him to turn around. As he conceded, Jimin looked like he knew he’d won this round. Yoongi hated and loved the starry-eyed look on his face that he could see through the mirror. Just wanting to shut him up for a second, he gave him a little squeeze around his waist, a grab that was just enough to show Yoongi could handle him if he wanted to.Jimin seemed to get the message loud and clear as he swallowed whatever words he’d been about to say. Yoongi had to admit this little escape was nice. Especially with his hands on Jimin, he could momentarily forget their troubles as everything in him and in Jimin’s heavy gaze was encouraging his hands to explore.“What if-” he said, his hand just gently applying more and more pressure until his grip on Jimin was particularly tight again. Jimin licked his lips, clearly listening to every word. Yoongi looked at the two of them in the mirror to make sure this didn’t look too compromising. Other than Jimin’s expression, they’d look perfectly platonic as long as Yoongi released his grip on time. And regarding Jimin’s expression, despite how badly he should, Yoongi wouldn’t be asking the younger man to turn it down. He liked seeing the effect he was having him. “- what if I told you I knew today won’t be as bad as you think?”“What do you mean?” Jimin asked, his voice so faint it was basically a sigh.“If I could say I took care of it? What would I get?” he teased. Jimin’s smile was a dead giveaway. He would have tensed if he wasn’t so interested in getting an answer out of Jimin. He wasn’t expecting anything out of this joke, but Jimin’s reaction to him was making things clear: he wasn’t the only one getting impatient.Yoongi was dying to hear Jimin’s answer, knowing he was up against a timer ticking against him. It was like Jimin was just about to speak when they were interrupted.“BANG! TAN! SON! YEON! DAN!” came a dramatic, energetic voice from the fitting room door. Yoongi’s head fell right into Jimin’s shoulder in disappointment. He was too late. The room burst with excitement in reaction to the new guest.Kim Hee-chul, their sunbae as a former member of a major k-pop group that was going on fourteen years now and still active, arrived in his usual garb as an occasional drop in co-host of the show. The ever-energetic man mimicked the high energy of the room as he enjoyed the cheers of surprise that came his way.“Heechul!” Jin cheered immediately as Yoongi released Jimin. Jimin was distracted, but clearly more annoyed that they’d just stopped their little charade. “What are you doing here?”  Yoongi ushered himself out to the other side of the curtains, knowing that was his cue to explain. Right as he was coming through, it came-“Didn’t Yoongi tell you?” Heechul asked the band leader directly.“Hyung, you called him?” Namjoon confirmed, clearly immediately doing the math and realizing Yoongi had to have called the moment he’d found out. Yoongi shrugged in false modesty.“The words you’re looking for are ‘why didn’t I think of that?’, Joon-ah,” Jin joked.Everyone took turns greeting Heechul, all throwing questions in various directions trying to figure out what they’d missed in the past few hours.It was simple. They had a few hours before the shoot would start, just enough time for Yoongi to beg Heechul to cancel his plans and come down. Yoongi had to throw in a lot of favors to securely bribe his busy sunbae, but with enough convincing the idol had been convinced to give up his day off.“When I say he sold me his soul-” Heechul joked. Yoongi didn’t hear the punchline when he felt Jimin’s head on his shoulder. He refused to comment on anything the dancer had to say. The others had their attention firmly on Heechul, a professional showstealer, but Yoongi was genuinely nervous that Jimin was quiet for so long.“Hmmm, interesting,” Jimin noted finally in a facetiously curious tone.“What a nice surprise,” Yoongi waved it off.“A surprise , yes,” the younger man teased, his hands patting on Yoongi’s shoulders. He licked his lips while giving Yoongi a look before he headed off to find his stylist. “Can we rehearse with a practice intro?” the host had asked once they got on set. Things went very quickly. To introduce themselves, the boys ran down the line with a silly introduction they were meant to prepare. Using keywords ARMY liked to use to identify them, with Tae ‘grr’ing like a tiger, Jin messing up on the delivery only to do his signature stare into the camera as compensation, and Yoongi having to give a nod to his ‘lil meow meow’ alter ego against his will, things were uneventful until Hobi realized he had nothing to say.Yoongi had to do it. He had to say it. It was Hoseok’s best option. “ I’m your hope, you’re my- ” The entire band groaned as Hoseok immediately finished the phrase. Amid arguments about whether this meant Jin could call himself ‘worldwide handsome’ despite their current homestay, Yoongi decided this day couldn’t be all bad. No matter how bitter he felt.As Heechul and the host MC asked for an explanation for Hoseok’s English-language introduction, Yoongi was surprised the hosts didn’t recognize the greeting only to remember it was something Hobi only used in America.“Can we also try testing one of the dances?” came the next request.The three dancers were just close enough and had just quickly enough collectively rolled their eyes that it only took one look at each other to understand: they weren’t going down without a fight. Yoongi wasn’t sure he’d seen the boys play rock, paper, scissors so fast in their lives. Two gestures later, Jungkook was raising his hand and playing the part of a polite boy who would do anything to help the host.“I’ll go, sir,” Jungkook said. That cleared things up for Yoongi: Jungkook lost both matches.Doing his sweet routine with its perfect timing, Jungkook put on a professional expression with a touch of charm in it to match the band he was covering. His signature smile relaxed and reactive, Yoongi had no fear until the routine ended and suddenly Jungkook’s expression took a complete 180 degree turn.“Cute. Who’s the band?”Jungkook struggled to remember how to pronounce the name. “IZ*ONE, sir.”“Aww, you’re so nervous. Are you a fan?”“My fans are very big fans of theirs, sir.” The repetitive honorifics gave Yoongi the intel he needed. Jungkook was afraid. Maybe they couldn’t see the host’s face, but Jungkook could and he was terrified.It was coming.“That’s awfully shy. Do you have a bit of a crush, Jungkook?” Yoongi could tell it took Jungkook everything not to make a face that would come off as offensive, but he didn’t blame the maknae for his extreme reaction. Most of the girls in that band were extremely young.“Sir, they’re much younger than me.”“Not that much younger, I don’t think,” the host answered, musing on the matter. He reached a self-satisfying conclusion. “How sweet. I’m sure they’ll be excited to hear they caught your interest.”“It’s really not like tha-”“Don’t worry! I’m sure they’d be thrilled by the compliment,” the host concluded. “It’s a sweet sentiment.” As the camera’s cut and reset at the end of the exchange, the host seemed pleased.Jungkook practically froze in place.“We can’t use that conversation in the actual taping,” Heechul insisted, clearly understanding the problem and trying to communicate it to the host.Jungkook’s fear was understandable instantly to the boys. His exact fears about this show were already true. They were already in their worst case scenario. Yoongi couldn’t help himself, he put both hands on Jungkook’s shoulders as they all waited for either of the hosts to return or for any instructions to come.Heechul came back minutes later.“I couldn’t convince him to change his mind. He says he thinks it’s good material.” Their sunbae looked particularly stressed. Licking his lips as if trying to think of a solution, he took a few breaths before finally spitting out his thoughts. “Your managers didn’t say anything to him about why they chose the other host, right?”“No,” Namjoon answered. “They’d be crazy if they did.” That only relieved Heechul for a second. He shut his eyes like he’d just lost an internal battle.“The other host might have told him,” Heechul realized. The boys all did their best to stay silent. Jungkook was practically shaking under Yoongi’s hands. “They really can’t air anything like that in the actual episode. Your company made an agreement that it gets say on the final edit. So the company will stop him if you tell them to, right?” Heechul asked, relieved at the idea of a backup plan. The boys all shook their heads gravely at him.“Heechul, Big Hit doesn’t usually care whether we think it’s okay, they care whether it’s on-brand and whether it will make the fans happy.”“Is that on-bran-”“We’ve learned to stop guessing,” Yoongi explained bitterly. As they shared a miserable, wordless exchange over the plight of an idol’s life, Heechul realized exactly what kind of situation they were all getting themselves into.They were all going into war together.Resting after another stressful rehearsal, Yoongi was leaning on a set wall, out of breath while he watched the host do a lap around the set. On his way in, the man dropped what looked like scripted cue cards on one of the tables nearby. He’d been carrying those since he arrived, studying them carefully as if to memorize the information. With no one around to pay attention, they were in the perfect spot for Yoongi to read without putting himself at risk.He couldn’t help thinking that maybe if he knew what was coming, even just the name of the games, he would have something to warn the band about. Making his way over, he knew getting caught would cost him very little other than the host’s trust. That wasn’t something he really cared about.The instructions were very clear. They were warnings: ‘don’t divert from these groupings’. In the examples, the names, the different orders, he noticed a trend and suddenly all of his energy went into the desire to prove himself wrong. Turning to the next card, not caring about the risk, he found the first one in the series. It explained all the other cards. The logic of the lineups. The reasoning behind it.More than anything, Yoongi just needed to be left alone. As a half hour passed that they were left to sit on the set and wait as the final settings were put in place, Yoongi wondered to himself why they weren’t allowed back to their fitting room. Things would have been better there. They could have conspired together, looked for answers, anything. Then Taehyung approached and Yoongi couldn’t help thinking this was the last thing he needed.“Yoongi, do you have a second?”“Yeah, what happened?” he said, hoping there would be an urgent cause to distract him from his extremely sour mood.“About my dance. I learned the one to her newest song too. I noticed the other one bothered you. I can just do the new one instead.” Tae was awkward, even fidgeting in place. Yoongi was sure his glare wasn’t helping and he really hoped it was as hard as Tae as it felt. “Truth be told, I chose Heroine before our-”“Don’t do that,” Yoongi cut him off, his mind having taken a trip in the last few seconds just from sheer surprise. He couldn’t believe Tae had the nerve to speak to him directly after everything he’d just found out.“What?"“Don’t ask me. Don’t even act like you care.” Yoongi made sure to lower his volume. He knew that if he didn’t focus on whispering, he’d lose focus on managing his volume at all. “If you really cared, you wouldn’t ask me and you’d just do it. But you’ll always do what you want, Tae. You didn’t even rehearse whatever other dance you know this morning. In fact, I finally think I’m starting to understand what kind of operation you’re looking to run here. Do you want to know what really got the message home?” he asked finally.Tae was clearly doing his best to stay strong and meet his eyes despite how aggressive his words were getting. Yoongi knew today he was going to have to rely on his ability to suppress emotions when necessary, he just didn’t think it would be because of Tae.“What, Yoongi?” Tae prompted, knowing better than to keep Yoongi waiting.“You told the managers to force the host to keep us separated, didn’t you?”Tae was silent. Yoongi didn’t fill that void. He just let it sit between them until Tae took action. “Who told you?”“You did.” Yoongi huffed a sarcastic laugh. His voice was as low as it could go, but the words were biting. “We can’t even get them to keep the host from picking on us with his stupid jokes, but the world will bend itself backwards to keep you from having to sit next to me.”Tae wouldn’t look him in the eyes. He reminded him a little of Jungkook in the way he looked like he’d be crying if he had the privacy to. It made Yoongi wonder if this was what he should really be known for - making the maknaes miserable. His body twitching in discomfort just at the idea, his words had a mind of their own.“I knew you were right about a lot of things, but there’s one thing that I’m just starting to agree with you on,” Yoongi finished.“What’s that?” Tae asked, his voice strong though his resolve was weak.“We clearly never knew each other at all. The Tae I knew would have had the respect to ask me to my face. He would have at least remembered how hard I tried to be good to him, and wouldn’t have treated me like a monster he can’t even bear to stand next to-”Yoongi was luckily interrupted by a round of applause coming from behind him. Turning, he was corrected in calling the girl by the van one of the prettiest women he’d ever seen. She paled completely in comparison when Yoongi was reminded a woman like the one before him existed. She stood with a cool look for just a second as she searched, her eyes expertly running through the room. She looked graceful, feminine, cool….Yoongi could think of all these words because he’d spent the last 24 hours studying this woman as she danced. Even in real life, it was like the visual’s stare came naturally to her.“Hani!” Heechul called out to her. “You made it.”Hani seemed to be trying not to make too much eye contact with the band, clearly maintaining her cool posture by knowing better than to get too excited about a major band being in her presence.“Of course! Didn’t you get my text?” the woman asked cheerily. She was very much the version of herself that Yoongi had studied, the band visual, the woman who stole eyes, the girl who made them viral just with her facial expressions when she’d perform. It was devastating to know this was the kind of magnetism she could have just by entering a room.That was until she saw Jin. It was like it just took eye contact. Something in her snapped and the elegance and femininity had been replaced with energy and shamelessness.“Hani!” Jin announced into the distance, hurrying over as quickly as he could. The woman lost the edge the moment she saw Jin. Truth be told, maybe this made him old fashioned, Yoongi’d never seen a woman turn into the kind of guy friend he liked to have. They exchanged this undignified grunt of acknowledgement as they saw each other. There was no squeal or scurry, just two matching ugly and shocked expressions as they took each other in before exchanging a hug. Yoongi wanted to know how she got here but the conversation spelled out just enough.Heechul must have called Hani for backup. Hani regularly guest hosted the show just like Heechul did. Heechul must have thought this would make things easier, two idol hosts versus the one they hated.Inherently still, Yoongi couldn’t help wondering what Heechul was thinking. This was an implicit crisis because the girl would only be able to do so much joking around them. He couldn’t imagine how that would pass Heechul’s notice but he had to imagine that it was because of their age difference. Heechul was significantly older than Hani. He could get away with the interactions they had because of the age difference. No one looking to criticize their proximity would be able to accuse them of any inappropriate or romantic relationship because the two of them could always wield their age difference. However, Hani was right at the median of their band’s age.The industry wasn’t ready for this kind of co-ed friendship between bands without controversy. Their community was not going to accept this kind of dynamic, especially not with how Jin was acting like he’d just run into his past life’s soulmate.There was so much they needed to drill the boys on first: teaching Jin not to react to her, teaching everyone not to blush or laugh too hard, not to react to her beauty, not to react to her general existence as a woman. There was even a limit to how much they could act like fans of her band without implicating themselves with the rest of the band. The maknaes were already failing the first basic lesson of how not to stare at Hani. Yoongi and Namjoon were admittedly just as bad too.And then a childish part of Yoongi couldn’t help realizing that the band now had to do their EXID routines in front of EXID’s own visual. He had to do a sunbae cover in front of the sunbae he was actually covering.To make matters worse, the host the band had officially started hiding from came out from the shadows to greet Hani with open arms. This is exactly what he wanted. Worst of all, this was probably what Big Hit wanted too. Their idols being interviewed by current, active idols themselves on a double feature of a show that broke all the rules just for their band. This was headline gold. This was fandom fodder.They were so screwed.Turning away, the commotion behind Yoongi continued as he tried his best not to call for help. Panic was hitting again. This wasn’t uncommon before publicity stunts. He wasn’t a huge fan of significant attention and fits like these just came with the territory. Having a panic episode over a crisis so extreme was nothing he’d criticize himself for. He already deserved a damn knighthood for everything he’d dealt with so far in life, but it was times like these where the real mistake was not asking for help.Yoongi really, really should have asked for help, even if Taehyung was only person close enough to stop him.His expression neutral and his body posed normally like he’d trained himself to be during panic attacks, Yoongi stumbled out of the studio trying not to let the panic get to him. He couldn’t make out that he’d crossed the major hall. He could barely miss the obstacles in his way as crew and art pieces made their way flying around the set floor.The rapper didn’t recognize the new atmosphere, the new company, the new surroundings, nor did he pay a lot of attention to the visual girl from the parking lot walking up to him asking him if he was lost or needed help getting back to his band. He didn’t really catch most of the pleasant conversation she was trying to make while waiting for him to answer.The only comfort Yoongi could get out of this situation was that clearly he did not look to be panicked considering the way Jungkook rudely yanked him away from the girl in what sounded like a dry tone. According to the way Jungkook looked disappointed and upset with him, he didn’t give off for a second how badly he’d disconnected with the real world for a second there. In fact, based on the snarky look Tae gave him while also walking him back from the set right next door, he’d looked normal enough to really piss them off for whatever reason. No one asked him if he was okay, or why he’d left. No one other than the two maknaes seemed to have seen him.The best way to feel may have been conflicted, but Yoongi could only feel proud. Yes, the world was falling apart around them, but at least he’d still have his pride.Jungkook let him go and said something that fell on deaf ears but convinced Yoongi he needed to come back to Earth.“Yeah, not exactly the right time to start flirting, hyung,” Tae said, as if he was following up what Jungkook was saying. While Yoongi couldn’t read the expression on Jungkook’s face, Tae was doing a better job of showing his hand. He was upset.Nothing was making any sense today.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“And I’m known internationally as Worldwide Handsome, but you can just call me Jin,” Jin introduced himself enthusiastically. Getting a laugh out of Jimin and Jungkook, Jin blew a kiss at a camera pointed to him from a different angle before turning back to the camera in front of him. Some of the hyungs rolled their eyes but Yoongi could only grind his teeth as he realized his turn was coming up next.At his cue, Yoongi opened his mouth and hesitated as he tried to get words out. He felt like he was choking. It was like the words were strangling him. The boys started laughing, Jimin giggling so hard next to Yoongi that it shook his whole body and had him crouching on the floor. Yoongi was being childish, yes, but they all seemed so fond of the moment that even Tae was busting a smile.Aiming to tease more than to help, the band members started cheering him on.“You can do it,” someone announced.“Be strong,” he heard another go.Yoongi remembered the promise the band collectively made at the start of this initiative. They all swore to take these attempts seriously. They were meant to be giving their fans a new surprise at every show. Every goal was all about shaking it up, stirring the fans, keeping their interest.Right now, they were meant to say something charming to introduce themselves. Unlike other bands would, they didn’t get a theme word this time since they didn’t come on this show enough to need variety. They just had to freestyle something simple like they did in rehearsal.Practicing the line in rehearsal was painless when he knew it wouldn’t be aired. Now, however, the pressure was on.Throwing up a peace sign as he always did, Yoongi did his best to keep on a straight face. “Call me Suga, Agust D, even Min Yoongi, I don’t mind, I will always take Lil Meow Meow too.”This felt like the death of his reputation, spirit, and will to go on. As the team laughed and moved on, Yoongi turned to Jimin, who was standing at his side. “I have never lied so hard.” The complaint was almost just for Jimin’s benefit, as the dancer seemed to really enjoy seeing him suffer. Jimin came before him and had gotten through his acceptance of the names ‘ChimChim’ and ‘Mochi’ pretty easily. “I never considered myself someone who lies to their fans,” Yoongi continued.Jimin hugged Yoongi as the team continued discussing Hobi’s introduction. As Jimin started laughing so hard that he looked like he was building up tears in his eyes, Yoongi couldn’t help watching him carefully though he had to force a neutral expression to keep from looking too fond on camera. Jimin laughed with his whole body, and it was just so interesting to see up close like this.“Whether abroad or here in our home,” Hobi started finally before switching into speaking English, “I’m your hope, you’re my hope, I’m J-Hope!”“J-HOPEEE!” Yoongi announced dramatically, cupping two hands around his mouth to make the shout carry. It echoed in the studio as the band members caught the reference and fell into another fit of giggles. Heechul and Hani seemed to already be enjoying themselves. However, whenever the host lost control of the jokes, he seemed to get a little darker with his intentions.“Are you introducing yourself as the most handsome man in Korea?” the host prompted Tae. Tae shrugged as if to say ‘we’ll see’. Yoongi couldn’t be too curious for long regarding what stunt Tae was about to pull, as Tae cheerily set up his own introduction.“You may know me as V, but I also go by Tae. Truth is, I’m still a farmer boy at heart.” The introduction wasn’t as smooth as the rest of the band’s, but Yoongi understood why he was insisting on saying these words. Tae was fulfilling a promise he made to a fan during his livestream. He had been in the middle of talking about his family when he saw fans inquiring as to why he didn’t speak much more about his experience as a farmer and why he never made any callbacks to that part of his story.Everyone started to argue that Tae’s line needed to be funnier. Yoongi interrupted, “the fans wanted it,” only to ignore the stare Tae sent his way once he spoke up. While Yoongi’s tone made it clear he knew this information for a fact, the boys all turned to him as if they weren’t hearing enough of the story to go along with this claim. The host cleared his throat to get attention back on himself.Hani cleared her own throat to claim attention for herself instead. “Farmer boy,” she addressed Tae playfully. “I have a question.”“Yes?”“I heard you kept your claim on most handsome man in Korea for the second year in a row,” Hani said, clearly trying to bring up the subject to appease the host. “My question is why haven’t you fought your bandmate Jin for his job title?”From the silence following her question, it was clear that everyone thought Jin was about to be upset. Instead, he started in with his dramatic yelling and his exaggerated arm gestures right on cue as the woman started laughing. “Why would he?!” Jin insisted.“Your visual needs to be taken down a peg. Just a peg,” Hani explained carefully to Taehyung as if walking him through why this was an ideal plan for the common good. “I needed it too! I was dethroned once. Look at me now, I’m a better person.”“By what measure?” Jin retorted.“Woah, you two,” Heechul said, his tone indicating he enjoyed this more than anything that had happened so far in the shoot. While the bickering was platonic enough, like the kind of arguing Heechul and Hani engaged in on the regular, the host started getting other ideas.“You two bicker an awful lot like a married couple,” the host pointed out playfully.It took Yoongi everything not to roll his eyes. Glancing to Namjoon, he could clearly see the leader failed to resist. With a single glance at each other, it was like Jin and Hani instantly understood what they had to do.“EW,” they both remarked before laughing at their matching words.“This woman calls me hyung ,” Jin pointed out, clearly embarrassing Hani as she covered her face in mock shame.“She calls her brother hyung too. I’ve never seen anything like it,” Heechul noted amusedly. “And most of her male friends too. It’s very unflattering.” He smiled fondly as Hani glared at him. Yoongi quietly noticed Heechul doesn’t say the same about himself. He distinctly recalled that Hani called Heechul oppa .Flushing red, Hani could barely stop laughing at herself long enough to speak. “I- Is it- Is it terrible to forget you are a man sometimes?” she asked Jin, referring to the inevitable accusations that their interactions will be labelled as romantic.“I forget you are a woman all the time,” Jin retorted without a delay. The band collapsed into laughs. Yoongi was only half sure the show could use this footage with all the sharp gasps. However, Jin’s comeback was so funny it guaranteed that if this made it into the cut, the editors wouldn’t cut this part of their bickering.There was nothing more telling than a woman calling a male friend her ‘hyung’. It was a way of distancing, a clever tactic on Hani’s part. Though looking at the way she was enjoying herself and not worried about the way this would reflect on her image, it was clear the woman had much less diabolical intentions behind it than controlling her reputation.“We met when we were infant visuals,” she explained finally when she saw the host was getting impatient.“Baby what?” he asked, frustrated and confused. Hani tried to catch her breath, serious now that she saw the host was growing impatient. Jin didn’t seem to get the same message.“Well, at least I was. I was freshly born,” Jin clarified.“Did you just call me geriatric ?!” she practically screeched, feigning an offended tone.“This is what I’m talking about!” Jin exclaimed loudly, dramatically gesturing in her direction to signal at Hani’s unladylike moment. The two were taking up so much time fighting it was saving the boys so much. Yoongi was so relieved, especially considering Jin would normally be someone they had to cover up for. He and Hani were doing a great job preventing a crisis.Heechul finally decided to clue the host in. “Hani’s behavior around Jin has always made her behavior around me look particularly sweet and kind,” he pointed out. The host laughed at the bizarre idea. Hani and Heechul did nothing but bicker with each other whenever they were in the same room. Heechul gave Hani a decisive look when the host wasn’t paying attention.“Let’s get the questions out of the way,” he said finally, still looking her in the eyes. Clearly catching whatever message he was trying to send, she nodded at him before smiling at the host and then to the rest of the band.“Let’s sit around the campfire for a second and talk about how Jin and I met?” Hani pitched. The host seemed interested enough to go with it. Jin looked playfully reluctant as he sat on the ground, smiling as he made eye contact with Hani for a second.“As you all know, Jin is very confident but he is also still only one person,” she began, waiting as the band finished sitting themselves on the floor. “We all got called together at a birthday for another band. They were a little more popular than Bangtan and a little less popular than EXID at the time-”“So full of it-” Heechul joked. She shushed him.Meanwhile, Yoongi was so surprised at how Hani was careful not to say ‘party’. It was as if she had read the host notes that the host was choosing to ignore today. She was doing everything to dodge negative implications but working with such ease like it wasn’t at all taking away from her ability to do as she pleased. Looking around, Yoongi hoped they’d edit around Namjoon’s reaction as he was practically staring with a slightly dropped jaw at Hani. Clearly, he was noticing what Yoongi had picked up on. Hani knew what she was doing more than she let on.The way she spoke was so careful as she walked the band through the full story. Part of Yoongi couldn’t help noticing that if they balanced screen time for each of the boys, story time with Hani would fulfill most of Jin’s portion. It was probably for the best considering how much Jin struggled with interviews, especially interviews with abrasive hosts. Hani came prepared to help her friend, the story she told very well crafted to showcase Jin’s least seen side of his personality, the part of him that was still willing to hesitate in unnerving situations and didn’t seek attention to compensate for shyness. Hani was ready not just to host a show at last minute call, but she was ready to save them.Heechul was smarter than Yoongi had given him credit for. Getting Hani to join them made things so much better.“So you had to save him?” the host mocked when he realized the story was spelling out that Jin was once too shy to handle a crowd of idols by himself.“That’s the secret. I actually needed to be saved too,” Hani admitted. “And fighting with him over pointless things attracted a lot of attention to us in a strangely positive way.” Jin interjected to describe how she’d raise her voice every time he said something to her, as if to announce the new debate to the room.“Why?” the host asked, clearly captivated by the story.“Pretty people are prettier when they’re mad?” Heechul guessed jokingly.“That too,” Hani answered jokingly.“Can’t relate,” Heechul spat. Earning himself a hum of agreement from the other members of the band, he looked displeased with the result he’d gotten. Heechul shushed them, dramatically waving a raised finger at them. “Let an old man reflect on the past without mocking his sadness.”The band looked to each other, confused but still amused.Heechul mumbled to himself as if he had truly never been so offended. “Going to come onto my show, looking like that -” He gestured with an open hand at their individual faces. “-And talk about not knowing what it’s like to be pretty.”The host snorted. “I think you’re pretty, Heechul.”Heechul pretended to get shy and flattered. Losing himself in the comedy, the host kindly waved for the band to join him in his flattery. The band started cooing compliments at Heechul about his visual as he pretended to modestly brush their words off while basking in the praise.The group laughed at this skit. It felt like for a second everyone was back to being okay.Jin concluded the story with a rant. “This little story sounds cute until you find out the truth. She says we were both pretending to fight. I actually thought I made her mad!” The group collapsed into laughs. “Big Hit made me send flowers to her company to apologize!” Hani snorted again, nodding in memory of the feat. “Then she just called me - AND HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER ANYWAY-” Jin’s exasperated shouting seemed to have the crew in tears as the cameramen were all hunched over trying to keep the cameras steady. “I’m very good at finding people,” she offered finally.“She just called me and told me it was all a joke to make people like us. I said ‘like us or like you?’ She just said BOTH. I had been watching my life flash before my eyes since the day we met, thinking the headlines everywhere would say “BTS Visual Attacks EXID Sunbae” one day. I told her how much fear she left me in, and she just said ‘at least it would get us press’.” Jin’s rant was almost unintelligible with how he spat the words almost in several directions.“It was not that mean!” she defended.“For a friend, Hani is a pain in my side. Let no one tell you different,” Jin concluded as Hani gave up and held up a heart signed with crossed fingers in Jin’s direction.“I have a question,” the host piped up. Yoongi saw Jin tense up before going back to pretending that things were okay.“Yes?”“Do all these people who saw you love you now?” Jin just seemed relieved this was still about their story.“Well, yes but-”“Did they before?”“No,” Jin answered, confused.“Then you’re welcome, Jin-hyung,” Hani concluded with a mimed bow. Yoongi was pretty sure he hadn’t laughed this hard in so long. It took him a second to realize that he and Jimin were holding onto each other for dear life.Maybe Jin and Hani could still get some shipping problems, but at least with this story the inevitable anti-s would be calm. Hani could hold her own, Yoongi realized. And certainly, Hani and Heechul were geniuses. Yoongi couldn’t tell if Jin was being just as smart or if he was playing into their hands, but he felt proud of Jin too for getting through his segment of the episode’s air time without an incident. All in all, Yoongi could definitely say that this story had only made him more fond of Jin, so he hoped the fans would feel the same.It didn’t take long for the band to find out how the host had found out about being asked not to take on this episode despite his seniority over the host that was eventually chosen. As the host revealed that all MCs and hosts of the show had to get their heads together to choose the right games for BTS to play today, it became clear from his tone that a game he had invented had ultimately been chosen and then originally given to another host to lead their episode.This man must have just connected the dots as to why everyone was so adamant that it couldn’t be him.Ultimately, a sit down interview was picked for the band involving a review of self-evaluations they had been asked to prepare for the episode today. Unfortunately, unlike the forms had implied, the evaluations wouldn’t stick to being about surface level facts. They found out the hard way that this was about to get uncomfortable as the host used it as an opening to begin forcing a reflection on the band member’s pasts.As soon as the host started digging more into Jungkook’s relationship with his little brother, Yoongi could tell where the talk was headed. It wasn’t long until it was being implied that Jungkook was being asked if he was still a good hyung even when he had no time to see his sibling. In summary, everything was going terribly wrong. The worst part was the way the host could twist things to make it seem like Jungkook had gotten to that conclusion on his own without the host’s help.The more he spoke to them, the more the host was learning to phrase questions so that no one could butt in. More than once, Namjoon had to insist that it was their policy not to delve into certain details about their lives, only for the host to point out that the band member himself had taken the conversation in that direction. On top of that, the host would make Namjoon look like he was butting in where he wasn’t invited or like he was making the members look bad.Soon, the talk became about Namjoon’s worthiness as leader and whether his position was technically obsolete. All Namjoon could do was rely on his own words by repeating himself over and over in different phrasings to avoid allowing the host to twist his words. What really messed with Yoongi’s head was how he couldn’t see where the host was manipulating things until it was too late and the conversation got too personal.Yoongi could only feel himself purposefully let go of the moment and zone out with an attentive expression on his face. Every time he tuned back into the conversation at hand, it was unpleasant. Whether it was about how much choice they really have as artists, about Jimin’s self worth issues.Yoongi seemed to have zoned out during his own interview, only tuning back in to the host talking to him when the host was thanking him for his frank and honest answers. Looking around, it seemed like the boys weren’t much more embarrassed for Yoongi’s words than they were for each other’s so Yoongi could only hope that maybe he wasn’t that bad.When the conversation suddenly became about Tae’s absence from his family’s life, everyone woke up around this time. Yoongi didn’t even realize how much they all tuned out out of fear until suddenly everyone’s head snapped when a shaky Tae requested a short break from shooting.Namjoon clearly could tell he didn’t even need to have a word with the host as the host walked away with Heechul and Hani explaining carefully why the interview with Tae had gone so terribly wrong. Yoongi flinched when he heard the word ‘grandmother’ come out of Heechul’s mouth once Tae was far enough away not to hear.It was clear that the host regretted his words, but that didn’t make Yoongi hate him any less or forgive him any more at the moment. A faint memory of holding Tae as he mourned his loss was enough to make him feel too sick to continue. It only took a few minutes for the host to return to set. “We’re redoing Taehyung’s interview,” the host announced to the crew. “Please mark the old scene obsolete.”Namjoon seemed satisfied with that but, on meeting his gaze, Yoongi could tell Namjoon was harboring just as much resentment as he was.As Tae took his seat again with the band, Jin reached over to squeeze his shoulder and Jungkook watched him protectively as the host took his seat again and waited for the crew to say they were ready to go. Right before they called to start shooting again, the host leaned over and quietly whispered something to Tae that sounded like an apology right before he got into character.“Taehyung, it says here your dialect isn’t Daegu dialect. You listed a different dialect. Why?”“I was born in Daegu but I grew up in Geochang,” Tae answered calmly, clearly still warming up to the environment again.“When people ask you where you’re from, where do you say?”“Geochang out of habit,” Tae said. “Truth be told, though, I couldn’t choose.”“It’s funny, I heard Suga is the one they called the pride of Daegu recently on some competition show. That title doesn’t better suit the most handsome man in Korea?” he asked, trying to cause some trouble but being much more gentle with Tae than before. This man clearly liked stirring the pot. Despite their argument, Yoongi didn’t like the idea of anyone pitting him and Tae against each other like that. “Surely Daegu would try to make claims on that.”“I don’t think Daegu is so superficial,” Taehyung said finally, just careful enough with his tone that it managed to come off as polite.“They haven’t tried, not once. Yoongi, however, has done so much for his home. It inspires me to do more. I honestly don’t think I’ve done enough. Regardless, it’s obvious that he should be the pride of Daegu. He’s stuck to his roots, and he’s never been afraid to talk about where he comes from,” Tae said in a casual tone that almost fooled Yoongi into thinking they were getting along.Though the host changed the subject, Yoongi couldn’t help feeling a little sad over Taehyung’s words. He sounded like he meant them. The claims were so believable, but how could they be true coming from the same man who didn’t want Yoongi to so much as sit near him? Yoongi could only assume maybe Tae was just getting better at lying for the fans' sake.To wrap this episode up but also introduce the second part of this double feature, the group gathered standing around the center of the stage as they decided to start a few of their presentations for the day.Always the sacrifice, Jungkook was picked to start it off again. Clearly not letting his fear of the host get to him, Jungkook performed his routine flawlessly. The beautiful twists, gestures, and turns translated just as well on the maknae as Yoongi would argue it did on any of the girls in the original band. With his intent but charming expression spread across his face, Jungkook was a heart stealer as he performed his sweet and smooth arrangement of the popular song.As he finished, Yoongi was so carried away by the sweetness that he forgot momentarily that he and Jungkook were fighting as he cheered for the maknae with the rest of the band. As the host approached, Yoongi tensed with the rest of the team, knowing that the same line of questioning was coming. “And this is IZ*ONE, right?” he asked, as if he hadn’t forgotten an hour ago. Jungkook nodded nervously. “Why them?”“My fans are very big fans of theirs, sir,” Jungkook explained.“Did you dance your bias’ part?” It was as if the host wasn’t listening. Jungkook hesitated. “My bias? I don’t have a bias, sir,” he clarified, clearly lost on how to spin this conversation the way he needed to.“So how did you choose? Did you pick the prettiest one?” the host asked encouragingly.“No-” Jungkook was about ready to explain these girls were too young but the band knew better than to believe that an explanation would change anything. Any time Jungkook spent trying to explain would get edited out of the episode.Struck suddenly with an idea, Yoongi immediately piped in with a memory from their award show season over the holidays.“I picked for him,” Yoongi announced. The band looked unsettled more than relieved, but Yoongi could understand why. No one knew how this fixed anything. “I’ll admit, I didn’t know who they were when the shows started-” he said honestly. “I’m terrible at keeping up with the latest songs-”“Wait, but why choose that girl?” the host prompted, confused as to what Yoongi’s interjection had to do with anything.“That’s what I’m trying to explain. A couple of times when seeing their number, I noticed this one girl. She has the same little bunny smile that Jungkook has,” Yoongi explained with a fond smile. In truth, he’d never shared the information with the vocalist and he wasn’t even sure Jungkook was covering the same girl. However, it would look like a genuine mistake if Jungkook just ‘happened to’ pick the wrong girl after ‘misunderstanding’ Yoongi. The cover made a cute enough story that people wouldn’t ask too many questions. “It reminded me of when I first met him, so I asked if he’d choose her. I don’t know if I gave him the right name though.” He preferred to clean up the story himself than let others put words in his mouth. “And I didn’t tell him about the smile!”Jungkook caught the cue quickly. In this business, they learned to ‘yes and’ improv with each others’ lies. “Hyung!” he whined, feigning embarrassment very well.Yoongi hoped this would mean good press for the girl in question, because he didn’t want to imagine an alternative outcome. “I’m sure there are fans who agree. It made her my bias immediately.”“Her having the same smile as your maknae?” the host clarified.“Yes.” The rest of the band finally seemed to be catching on to what was going down. They all stirred into rounds of agreement.“It’s arguably the only part of him that is still adorable,” Tae said suddenly. Jimin laughed a bit, even though he knew they were playing the part of a cover up. He reached over and hit Tae’s shoulder as he spoke up.“Yeah, the rest of him started working out so we can’t tease him anymore,” Jimin supported.“The lengths he went to to be able to bully his hyungs,” Jin lamented jokingly. “It’s a tragic reality we face every day.” His dramatic pout earning him mocking laughs from Heechul and Hani, Jin was surprised to see even the host laughed.They were warming him over, Yoongi noted as Namjoon got up to take his turn.The ever straight-forward leader, Namjoon never liked to make a fool of himself if it wasn’t for the benefit of someone on his team or for only ARMY’s amusement. He seemed to feel a bit foolish doing a girl group routine for this host when he knew he might have to have a tough discussion with him of some kind very soon after the Taehyung incident. In general, Namjoon wasn’t really into looking silly. However, with the encouragement of the rest of the band, Namjoon’s routine came out quite cute. His accidental aegyo was saving him. As the band started chanting ‘sexy’ enthusiastically at him as he continued, Namjoon was reduced to a blushing, smiley dimple-faced mess, choking as he tried to finish the routine without laughing.They were effortlessly making the leader melt into his own shyness as he flawlessly continued the routine. Yoongi occasionally could forget how cute Namjoon could be just without intention, but it was times like these that reminded him just how hard it was to be in love with someone like Namjoon. He had no idea how precious he was, but it was the kind of endearing behavior that could drive someone nuts to deal with 24/7. Especially when they were trying to get over him.As they were only going to do half of the solo’s, Jin’s solo was up last for this half of the segment.“So I heard you didn’t bring us a girl’s group routine today,” the host began, waiting for Jin to go ahead and explain.“That is correct. I brought a male soloist routine,” Jin explained dutifully. As a crew member walked up with a headset, Yoongi exclaimed with surprise along with all of the maknaes. “What’s going on, hyung?” Jungkook asked, clearly unsure but also slightly playing along with the hype.“Girl’s routines are usually harder,” Jin admitted. “So hard that we couldn’t find one that I could do. I found this solo, though, and we thought it’d be fun to find another way to make this a little harder to be fair to my bandmates.”“How so?”“I’m going to sing too,” Jin answered as he pulled on the headset.As the stage cleared for him to take the center, Yoongi was pretty sure he’d never seen Jin so ready. Whatever big push the company was giving him, whatever great stress he was under, Yoongi could just see in the way Jin waited for his cue of the music how much he’d already improved as an artist just from practicing so hard.Yoongi hoped he wouldn’t regret it later, but he couldn’t help choosing in this moment to forgive Jin. He had no idea what the outburst his hyung had was even about but, whatever it was, Yoongi knew that Jin must have been under a lot of stress to have said those things to him. Maybe he’d never quite understand why he was yelled at, but a concerning thought was ringing in his head and refusing to release him from its hold.If Jin looked this ready to do a dance solo, then whatever stress he’d been putting himself under was beyond anything Yoongi thought he should be handling alone. He’d never seen Jin so determined in his life, and Yoongi knew very well what could shake Jin into shape - fear. Whatever he was afraid of was so strong it was forcing a better performance out of him than any of the boys thought possible.As the music began to play, Yoongi could tell that he was right about everything. Jin was moving smoothly and flawlessly. He looked sophisticated in this routine, even without the costume and stage to match the mood of the song. His face, his attitude, his stage presence was doing all of the work of any visual aid.They were all captured completely by Jin’s performance. Yoongi even noted all the hip adjustments from Hobi had really paid off as Jin did a proper tribute to the dancing soloist’s work. For just this moment, Jin looked like a dancer. Yoongi couldn’t help himself as Jin hit the first chorus. He started cheering. It was like his cheer snapped the others out of their shock, prompting more enthusiastic cheers from the rest of the band. Jin was unmoved, too grounded in his persona too acknowledge the praise.Yoongi had never seen a better performance out of his hyung, not since the very day they met.As they all broke for a costume change and lunch, Namjoon clearly only had one intention as the host walked away. The band members could barely move from their places for anything other than exchanging hugs with Jin to congratulate him on his number. Otherwise, they were all frozen solid just watching the host walk away.“We need to go charm this man onto our side,” he said begrudgingly. He turned to Jimin, the look on his face regretful.“No, please,” Jimin requested quietly that Namjoon use someone else.“No one has a way with these people like you do, Mochi,” Namjoon cooed encouragingly. The leader held out a hand to the dancer. Jimin took it, following his lead as he turned back to Yoongi with a pout.As Yoongi did his best from his height to swing an arm around Jin’s shoulders, his hyung was generous enough to crouch and receive the hug as he grinned happily. Yoongi had never seen him enjoy a victory so much. He couldn’t help wondering how many nights Jin spent awake just trying to complete the choreography as needed.Perhaps he was getting carried away with himself, but he found himself pulling Jin in and cheering about how great he did. He was surprised to see Jin squirm away from the attention so immediately, his shyness out now that he’d laid himself down on the line so completely.Yoongi could see the exhaustion in his face from this close.“Do you really think they’ll like it?” Jin asked, as if nothing could make him happier.“They’re going to love it, Jin,” he said warmly, accepting when Hobi came and pried Jin out of his arms to hug him himself. As he watched the two egg each other on to be more and more dramatic about this outcome, he was distracted by a tap on his shoulder.“I know you’re mad, but I think we should talk,” Tae said as Yoongi turned around.Yoongi didn’t speak for a minute before looking down at the ground. “I’m going to need time to really process what’s happened,” he explained calmly. “I knew you wanted to get away from me, I just didn’t know how far you were willing to go to get that space.” Glancing up at him, Yoongi realized Tae was staring at the ground too. He seemed ashamed. For once, Yoongi felt like they were on the same level again. “I know I wasn’t a good hyung, Tae, but I don’t think I was so bad it was worth telling the managers to keep me away from you. I don’t think I ever hurt you that intentionally, Taehyung. I was clear when I agreed to your rules that I wanted to make things work.”“I know,” Tae said. His voice sounded so empty. “Just give me a chance to explain. Please, that’s all I’m asking.” Yoongi didn’t know what to answer. Looking up at Tae, he could finally tell the younger man looked miserable, like this was only serving to make him more unhappy. That was opening Yoongi’s eyes to a part of Tae that he wanted to understand. He wanted to know why Tae was acting this way. He wanted to know what Tae seemed to think he had to lose when he was the one who tossed Yoongi away.But before he could really give it a chance, Tae pulled away first.“Nevermind,” Tae concluded, frustrated. “Whatever you want.” Yoongi sighed out, disappointed. The anger he’d learned to expect from Tae was filling the boy’s gaze again and that dead stare just made Yoongi feel as empty as the day Tae told him their friendship was over. Whatever little spark of hope he’d seen felt like it could only have been imaginary now.Not knowing what else to do, Yoongi decided he deserved rules of his own.“I don’t think you would be comfortable if I talked about you as much as you talked about me today,” Yoongi said finally. “It hurt a bit to hear. I’d prefer it if you refrained next time or tried to avoid the subject if you could.” Tae licked his lips and nodded, looking like he was seconds from bursting forward with an argument. Before he could do so, Jungkook unknowingly saved Yoongi and approached, pulling Tae away to see something Jin was doing. Yoongi didn’t bother following up to see what they were all up to. He needed a moment to get over that exchange.Looking out into the hall, Yoongi could peer right into the next studio only to see the other band again. Debating going out into the room to look for the girl and apologize if he scared her, Yoongi decided his best bet was getting someone else to make the call on what he needed to do next.Pulling Hobi away from where he was being entertained by Jin and the maknaes, Yoongi couldn’t help his honesty. Focusing on the meaningless details helped him feel like things were less overwhelming than they truly were.“I think I scared honestly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen today,” Yoongi started, hoping it would come off as a lighthearted, although awkward joke.Hoseok did his best to stand at attention for the story but Yoongi couldn’t help noticing there was just a hint of disappointment in his eyes. Yoongi hated when the boys got like this. He could never explain it but they had a knack at making him feel like he’d done something wrong by showing interest in someone outside of their circle. He was merely calling the woman beautiful and already Hobi looked betrayed.The worst part was the way, with Hoseok specifically, his temper regarding Yoongi’s interests had everything to do with whether he was with someone or not at the time. Yoongi never needed Hoseok to tell him when he was dating. Whenever he disappeared too many days out of the week and wouldn’t come home until dawn, Yoongi knew better than to think it was about a hookup or some casual fling. Hoseok had his share of boyfriends. Yoongi couldn’t help but think it was so unfair that he would always get guilt tripped about not wanting to be alone, only for Hobi to have all the freedom he wanted.Yoongi wasn’t one to get jealous. Truly, he wasn’t sure he was jealous of Hobi’s boyfriends so much as he was jealous of Hobi’s freedom to do as he pleased. Meanwhile, Yoongi and his escapades were always subject to criticism from the band as if he was doing something wrong.So he chose to ignore Hobi’s clear disappointment, figuring it was best for their friendship if he just not address the issue. Yoongi started pulling Hobi by his hand to the dressing room. Still empty as the band was out doing other things, the two of them had the room to themselves for a second.“Do tell?” Hobi asked finally, clearly trying to act interested despite hating how the story started. Yoongi knew exactly what kind of feelings this behavior hinted at, but it was best for everyone if he just ignore it and move on.Even more nervous to come clean, Yoongi tried to find the words to explain what had happened to him today. “I think I had an episode today,” he said finally, his eyes falling to the floor. Hobi’s hands took his arms so immediately it almost startled Yoongi. The grip wasn’t hard or much more than a subtle squeeze. It was the intention behind it that really got to him. Even without looking him in the eyes to witness it, Yoongi could tell Hobi’s concern was palpable.“Damn it. I knew you were tuning out today,” Hobi whispered nervously, clearly finding some way to blame himself for not noticing. “Are you okay?” Yoongi could feel Hobi’s stare like it was piercing to his soul. He could only nod hesitantly as Hobi ran his hands along Yoongi’s arms, comforting parts of the rapper that he didn’t even realize were tense. Yoongi didn’t even realize how scared he was about relapsing until he realized Hoseok was trying to comfort him until those fears went away.Yoongi could only nod though he wasn’t entirely sure of the answer now that Hobi was tending to him and comforting him. This was so nice, Yoongi practically wanted to give in to his nerves just so Hobi could make the terrible feelings go away. They wouldn’t be alone for long, though, so there was no use getting lost in their little bubble only to get ripped out of it the moment the door opened.“I accidentally got onto the other set somehow. This girl, she’s the member of this other band in the next lot. She saw me and tried to talk to me for a while but I didn’t snap out of it until Jungkook was pulling me out of the studio.”“Shit,” Hobi said, knowing exactly what Yoongi was worried about. If this girl chose to go around telling people she’d seen Suga from BTS in a vulnerable state, word would get out about his deteriorating condition with his anxiety. “What triggered it, Yoongi?”Yoongi didn’t want to scare Hobi but he had to answer honestly. “I don’t really remember,” he admitted. “There was just a lot going on at once and I just tuned out.” Hobi frowned, guiding a finger to caress Yoongi’s cheek distractedly. They both knew this meant his episodes were getting worse, but Yoongi knew Hobi wouldn’t mention it if Yoongi didn’t feel like talking about it. Instead, Yoongi just leaned into Hobi’s touch and soaked up the attention while it lasted.“You’re going to have to find her,” Hobi said finally, not surprising Yoongi at all. “Figure out what she thinks happened. Squash it if she thinks she has a story.”“If she thinks she’s got a story, there’s not really much I can do about it,” Yoongi pointed out. Hobi shook his head.“You’re a much more valuable friend than you are a tabloid story,” Hobi said finally. “If she’s smart, she’ll know that-” Yoongi wanted to propose the idea that maybe things weren’t as grave as they were making them out to be. However, before he could say much, Namjoon burst through the door just barely allowing enough time for Hobi to pull his hand away from Yoongi’s face.“It worked,” Namjoon announced to the two of them as Yoongi instinctively got up to search for an excuse to get a few steps away from Hobi for good measure. “Jimin has to really lay on the flattery on but we eventually got him on our level.”“What happened?” Yoongi asked curiously, checking one of the mirrors to see if he was blushing. Briefly glancing at Hobi, he could see he was equally as flustered over being interrupted. As Namjoon walked them through the story, Yoongi disappeared behind one of the curtains and checked himself in the dressing room mirror. He waited for his flush to go down, startled only when he heard the door swing open again.“Is Yoongi in here?” Jimin chimes curiously. Yoongi could only assume Hobi pointed him in the right direction, because within seconds Jimin was entering the dressing room without warning. “There you are!”“You have no manners, Park Jimin,” he teased as he turned to face the dancer. “I could have been indecent." “They haven’t even brought the new costumes out yet. What were you going to do, strip and wait?”“Things would have been very interesting if I had,” Yoongi joked before realizing he’d made Jimin blush profusely. He couldn’t help his grin, only smiling wider as Jimin shooed him away when he tried to approach. “You know, we were in the middle of something earlier.” Yoongi’s voice was quiet like a whisper as he approached Jimin.“I bet you’re still curious,” Jimin whispered back. “About my answer. I already knew what I would say, what I’d give you if you made today easier on everyone.”“What was it?” Yoongi asked, his hands making their way to Jimin’s sides and pulling the dancer closer to him. It was their usual routine whenever they had a second alone.Still blushing, Jimin leaned in to whisper into Yoongi’s ear. “Winner’s choice.”Yoongi froze. “What?”Jimin smiled. “Winner’s choice.” Yoongi couldn’t stop doing the word math to figure out exactly what Jimin was trying to say. He had asked Jimin what he would do for Yoongi if Yoongi had saved the day.Winner’s choice…... Anything. Yoongi couldn’t tell if he was blushing but Jimin’s amusement at seeing his reaction made him figure he had to be.“It’s a pity I would have lost,” Yoongi said finally, recovering from his surprise.“You never had to save the day. You just had to make it easier.”“Am I too late to secure that bet?” Yoongi asked, doing his best not to look too eager.“Depends on what you were going to choose.”“How so?”“If it’s interesting enough, I’ll still do it,” Jimin teased in a whisper, having trouble meeting his eyes the bolder he’d get. Yoongi didn’t know how to answer, and luckily he didn’t have to.“Yoongi!” Hobi called out casually. A slight scare had run through Yoongi when he worried that Hobi had caught them somehow, but his best friend’s tone was too calm. He didn’t know. “You should go find your new friend as soon as possible. You have no idea when they might need to leave.”Yoongi sighed out, defeated. He and Jimin could just barely get seconds alone these days. Jimin gently nudged him out of the room. “Go!” he encouraged despite Yoongi’s playful reluctance.Knowing Hobi was right, Yoongi stepped out of the dressing room only to see Jin had arrived at some point. Smiling at him, still proud over his recent performance, Yoongi patted his shoulder to get his attention.“Hey Jin,” he said, waiting for his eager hyung to look up. He couldn’t help noting how happy Jin was to see him in such a good mood with him, as if he’d also spent the past week just wanting things to go back to normal between them again. “Feel like wingmanning?”“Always,” Jin agreed, though he was clearly curious as to what Yoongi had in mind. He couldn’t seem to help himself as he burst with new information. “Jungkook told me you went looking for that girl!”Yoongi ignored that information, not wanting to think back to how whatever happened today put him and Jungkook in an even worse place with each other.Jin burst out of the dressing room looking almost too excited about the concept of helping Yoongi find this girl. As they wandered into the parking lot, they walked along a sidewalk that had trucks parked side-by-side in a long row, blocking proper view of the open parking lot. As they moved to get a better view, Jin and Yoongi slipped between two of the trucks and made their way closer to the back of the cars. Deciding to stop and talk between the cars when they could see no one on the horizon, Yoongi was patient despite the silence. However, Jin seemed eager to turn this little effort into a deeper conversation.“Have you figured out who she is yet, or should I tell you?” Jin asked excitedly. Yoongi decided maybe it was best to know just so he could seem more friendly for knowing her band. Hopefully she would find it flattering that a member of BTS knew about them. However, that would require for this girl to care as much about reputation as his imagination hoped. He couldn’t help worrying that perhaps he was banking too much on his own ego.That plan went in the mud when he realized the girl wasn’t just a part of a no-name band.“Her name’s Naeun, a singer from Apink,” Jin announced. Yoongi couldn’t help but wince when he realized he recognized that band name. “I just didn’t recognize them very well without their makeup on. They look younger than I would have assumed.” From previous warning from Big Hit not to fraternize with bands of their ages, Yoongi recalled Apink’s name had been on that list. They were effectively within the band’s age range, meaning the band was meant to avoid interactions with them when it could be helped.It made sense to Yoongi. This girl didn’t seem much younger than him.“They were running around in the award show season with us for one of their songs,” Jin pointed out. Yoongi felt a little bad that he didn’t remember that. Sure, the band was definitely wrapped up in other matters at large. However, that didn’t mean Yoongi felt he had a good excuse to be ignoring their peers.Truth be told, Yoongi wasn’t very sure he could name all the acts that performed at the shows a few months ago. If Jungkook hadn’t just gotten him stuck in a conversation about the group, that young rookie girl group would have been one of the first names wiped from his memory.Yoongi couldn’t help wondering if this meant he was getting too full of himself.“Is she the visual, then?” Yoongi asked just out of curiosity, trying to compensate for his shock that he actually knew the band they had been looking at just hours ago.“She’s coming,” Jin said suddenly, forcing Yoongi to look up. From along the sidewalk, she was making her way passing the trucks. Jin was hidden enough by the truck behind him that he decided to turn the corner around the back of the truck to leave Yoongi in position to speak with her.“Wait-” Yoongi hesitated. Jin didn’t listen. As if hearing his whisper-yell to his bandmate, Naeun turned and saw Yoongi as she passed the gap he was standing in. Backing up a few feet and looking around to see if anyone saw her, she turned back to Yoongi with a slight hint of nervousness in her stare.“Is your band still here?” she asked, her voice quiet but clearly surprised. It was past hours for the regular working day. Finding her at all had been a complete gamble but he was lucky they ran into each other again. He could tell by her wardrobe - a stiff sequined romper with high boots - that she was still working and clearly wasn’t planning on ending the day soon either. It must have meant both their bands got double booked for the day.“I could ask you the same question,” Yoongi answered back smoothly, knowing Jin had to be around the corner snorting. It crossed his mind that Jin would hear them discussing his little episode, but he didn’t have the time to worry about it now when it was so clear she was just about to bring it up. “I didn’t get an answer from you before,” she said gently, suddenly looking concerned as she instinctively stepped forward before taking a few steps back. Yoongi could see what she was doing. So long as he stayed hidden between the trucks and she stayed angled a certain way, it would be hard for anyone to capture them both in a picture or be able to see them both at the same time.She was smart. She understood the dangers. That already made her an easier person to deal with than most.“Are you okay?” she finished finally. Yoongi looked to himself as if he didn’t know what she meant, but it didn’t take him long to recall. “Your bandmates seemed pretty upset with you but you seemed very out of it. I was worried.” He could tell she meant it too with the cautious way she acted about her words. Her voice was discreet, her tone was polite, but her concern was sincere. Yoongi smiled a little fondly but that seemed to only make her nervous. “Sorry, it’s none of my busi-”“I am okay, thank you. We’re not having a very good day. I was trying to clear my head and must have wandered into the wrong stage.”“It was like you couldn’t hear me,” she pointed out. “I just didn’t know what to say,” he excused. He realized in that moment he was making it sound like he had been intimidated at the time. Yoongi realized now he had fallen into a bit of a charming routine with his expressions and behavior. He wasn’t trying to flirt but this girl was kicking in his sociable habits on instinct.“Are you sure you’re not overtir-” By the expression on her face as she went silent, she stopped herself just in time. “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry. I’m glad you’re alright.”Yoongi could tell she was under the impression that she was bothering him. He couldn’t help wanting to soothe that frustration that seemed to be boiling up in her. She was being nothing but nice to him but his silence was forcing her into a bout of self-doubt that Yoongi hated inflicting on her. The idea that hiding the truth was causing her emotional turmoil made him feel the need to be honest against his own good.Luckily, her schedule prevented him from having to start at square zero. A voice called, asking what she was doing before insisting that she hurry up and return. Yoongi wanted to look and see who was being so blunt with her but he knew it was best to stay hidden. Whoever it was clearly didn’t see she was talking to anyone.She seemed about ready to leave without saying another word. Yoongi should have let her.“Thank you for checking up on me, Naeun,” Yoongi said finally, not wanting things to leave on an awkward note. He couldn’t handle discomfort at the moment. There was too much of it going around. She blinked at him surprised for a second before he realized he’d admitted to knowing who she was.“Umm, yeah...Big fan,” she mumbled nervously, as if she felt she needed to acknowledge who he was out of obligation but didn’t have anything significant to say. Yoongi could find that oddly charming, even if he was just getting a sign of respect from someone who seemed disinterested. It also made her concern more endearing.Turning back to the other end of the truck, Yoongi peered around the corner only to find Jin leaning against the back doors of the truck, intently reading on his phone.“Oh finally,” Jin signed out as if he took forever. Yoongi rolled his eyes but was immediately reminded he had some cleaning up to do.“How much of that did you hear?” Yoongi asked, wincing as he internally prepared an explanation for the exchange that just occured.“I left after the first exchange. ‘I could ask you the same question.’ Not even ‘back at you’ or anything, always so serious,” Jin joked fondly, missing the relief on Yoongi’s expression.He was clean. Perfect. This resolution with the girl wasn’t what Hobi had demanded, but it was close enough and really all that Yoongi could figure out how to get.“I normally don’t really talk to people like that,” Yoongi excused himself, knowing the sentence couldn’t have sounded any less specific if he had tried. Jin rolled his eyes.“Flirt , you mean?” Yoongi rolled his eyes. He had lured Jin to help rather uselessly as it turned out, but not needing him didn’t take away Jin’s presumed right to hound Yoongi about it. “Did you get her number?”“No, we just talked.” Jin rolled his eyes but still looked fond.“That’s okay. Baby steps. At least now we know you have a type.”“A type?”“Visuals.” Yoongi tensed, deeply confused. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you very specifically picked Hani’s role in the dance. And the way you’ve looked at her all day.”“Hobi picked the role for me,” Yoongi explained. “And I tend to stare when I’m scared for someone’s safety. Heechul inviting Hani to host could have ended terribly if she wasn’t so smart.”“Ahh,” Jin said. He clearly believed Yoongi, but he kept a smirk on his face as if just to tease him.“That would make a lot of sense though,” Yoongi pointed out. “Visuals being my type. Explains why I made a move on you,” he joked gently. It was a message to be delivered to Jin: we’re okay now. As he stopped walking, Jin looked to Yoongi as if he was just looking for confirmation because he couldn’t believe things were about to work out. His smile was so sweet, even if shy, it reminded Yoongi of the few times he and Jin would really connect back when they were trainees. When they realized they weren’t all that different when it came down to things that mattered.Jin seemed to have something to say though. He put a hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. “That won’t happen again. Never again, Yoongi.”“I know,” he said gently. He could once again see how tired Jin really was. “What’s been going on with you?” His tone was less confrontative, more concerned.“It’s a long story. But I’ll tell you everything one day, every detail, okay? I promise.”“Soon?” Yoongi requested.“Soon.” With that Yoongi nodded to say he accepted these terms and Jin walked ahead of him, a hike in his step as if he relished in knowing things were okay again.“Why are you walking so fast?”“I’ve got to go tell everyone that Yoongi’s got a girlfriend. Do you know how long it’s been?”As Yoongi thought to himself that there was definitely a reason for that fact, the band’s never-failing negative reaction to any girl he’d ever brought home, he started racing to catch up with Jin. Nothing good would come out of this, nothing good ever did. The band had effectively been behind most of his last few failed relationships. He couldn’t handle another confrontation for something he hadn’t even done.Yoongi could feel real panic, worse than anything he’d felt all day, building as he thought about how the boys would find their excuse as they always did to be disappointed in him.“Wait, Jin. Please don’t. Jin, hold on!” he called after his hyung, only to be too late as the band’s visual burst into the dressing room proudly.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Yoongi should have known by now that this would be a mistake. Trying was a mistake, one he chose to make anyway. He couldn’t help it. He was in love.

Sooyeon was an angel. A dark one, maybe, but an ethereal figure nonetheless. She hid so many secrets behind her saintly demeanor, shown only by the devilish smirk she wore to hint at the depth behind that strong gaze. Where the world saw her as harmless, Yoongi felt lucky to see beyond that at just how dangerous this girl really was.

Dangerous to everyone except him.

Just like Namjoon, Yoongi had a weakness for smart women. Sooyeon was one of the smartest women he’d ever met. Yoongi loved nothing more than how cool and calculated Sooyeon could be. She had strong opinions, a loud voice, and a murderous glare that Yoongi swooned over. While she came off as a bit of a bully, Yoongi saw the girl beneath the mask and she was honestly one of the sweetest people he knew.

They didn’t have a lot in common when it came to their backgrounds. Her family was wealthy. She grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth. She wasn’t above turning her nose up at things she felt weren’t to her standards. Sure, that wasn’t something Yoongi expected to have to deal with in a relationship. However, she made a lot of compromises with him just so they could meet halfway. He befriended her snooty friends. She agreed to eat cheap street food with him. Best of all, she forgave Yoongi for all of the trouble the band ever put her through.

Though they didn’t have the best relationship, Yoongi really thought he could make a connection between Sooyeon and the boys. He made excuses for the boys’ aversion to her all the time. Yoongi believed maybe Sooyeon’s background and personality didn’t mesh very well with the boys, but he didn’t think it would be impossible to fix that.

And he really needed this to work because he could see a future for himself with this girl. He was fighting to build one.

Saying ‘I love you’ to Sooyeon was the first time he finally got to really tell someone he loved them and hear them say it back to him. For someone who was never visibly emotional, she’d cried that day. It was a memorable glimpse at the soft side of her, the side of her no one else got to see but Yoongi.

Was it wrong that Yoongi loved that little secret between them? It was certainly nearly their downfall as the boys noted her cold demeanor as one of the main reasons they didn’t see her as a match for Yoongi. However, as much as her iciness was at the root of the issue, it was only the start of their problems with her.

The boys seemed to believe they got to make a call about Yoongi’s relationship and it was too difficult to stop them. They didn’t see the side of her that he did and Yoongi blamed himself for being too selfish to try and explain. This relationship just felt like something that was his, something private that he didn’t want to have to defend from attacks. Even when he did cave in and try to defend Sooyeon, they’d always tell him he was painting a lovesick picture.

Though he could tell she was frustrated, Sooyeon offered to make other plans on the day of Jungkook's upcoming birthday party so they wouldn't feel compelled to invite her if they didn't want to. Always making her excuses for the boys, it was as though Sooyeon was trying to protect Yoongi's saintly image of his bandmates as much as he was. Even when they were being desperately unfair to her, Sooyeon knew better than to expect Yoongi's loyalty to be anywhere else.
Unlike in his other relationships, Sooyeon didn't hold any expectations about Yoongi's relationship with the boys. An older sister herself, Sooyeon was supportive to Yoongi any time he needed to prioritize the band. Clearly someone who refused to be anyone's second choice, Sooyeon gave Yoongi so much leeway. It only made him love her more for understanding that the band was important to him. When the boys made it clear they were never going to like her, she still didn't bite back or criticize their close ties. Instead, she just had patience with Yoongi as he tried to get his priorities straight. He knew he couldn't put the boys' opinions first and still have a good relationship with Sooyeon, but that didn't stop him from trying . So Yoongi told himself h e just needed her to be invited to this party as if that was the key to fixing everything. So  trying  became his downfall as Jin found him deep in thought in their apartment kitchen, mulling over the party. 
“Why so blue?” Jin joked at Yoongi as he began fixing himself a cup of tea. The rapper didn’t respond right away.

“Can I ask you a question?” Yoongi said after a minute of thought.

“Go ahead.”

“Is Sooyeon invited to the party?” he asked carefully, as if ready for his question to backfire.

“Obviously,” Jin huffed out with a chuckle before taking a sip from his cup. Though sometimes he wasn’t the most supportive he could be, Jin was always on Yoongi’s side of the Sooyeon battle. That’s why Yoongi could only take his answer so seriously.

“Will the others think so too?”

“Why wouldn’t Sooyeon come, Yoongi? That doesn’t make any sense.” Jin looked sincerely baffled by Yoongi’s fear. Before he could react, Namjoon entered the apartment. It prompted an immediate reaction from Jin. “Namjoon! Yoongi is asking me if Sooyeon can come to the party Saturday-” Yoongi could tell from Jin’s tone he was merely remarking on how obvious it was that the boys would be happy to have her.

Namjoon looked uncomfortable. “Yeah, sorry about that-” Namjoon began, clearly believing that Jin had already shot the suggestion down by now.
“What do you mean sorry?” Jin snapped back. “She’s coming.” Namjoon looked conflicted once he realized what was going on.
“It’s Jungkook’s birthday. They don’t get along,” Namjoon reasoned uncomfortably.

“Come on, she’s my girlfriend,” Yoongi sighed out, knowing where this conversation was going. He was too tired to deal with this. This was going to end badly no matter what he said. “I never get to invite her to anything. Even the staff is coming to this party.”

Namjoon sighed. “Ask the others what they think.” Namjoon might as well have doomed Yoongi. Yoongi knew Jungkook would say yes but he’d find out later whether or not he was really okay with it once it was too late. Yoongi and Hobi weren’t talking anymore after their last fight about “whether Sooyeon was any good for him”. Tae and Sooyeon particularly did not see eye to eye after a misunderstanding they had over Tae’s background. And Jimin-

Well, Jimin was possessive of all of the hyungs so his reaction was to be expected.

As the others returned to the home, Yoongi waited for them to gather in the kitchen for a late breakfast when he finally spoke up.

“Can Sooyeon come to the party this weekend?” he asked them gently, already waiting for the blow.
“I guess we are letting just anyone in these days,” Hobi said so quietly that Yoongi would have believed he imagined it if it hadn’t been for the way Jin’s neck nearly snapped from turning to point a glare in his direction.
“The staff is coming, we can’t just not invite her,” Tae said. He was supporting Yoongi’s cause, but Yoongi couldn’t help noting his tone as he did so. Even when they were willing to give him what he wanted, it had to hurt him in some way. Tae said that like it was mandatory for them to tolerate Sooyeon.

“Come on, guys,” Namjoon said, clearly trying to rally up support for Yoongi. “Jeongyeon is coming. Why can’t Sooyeon come?”
“That’s-” Jimin cut himself off but Yoongi could understand what he was about to say. That’s different. It was different because everyone loved Jeongyeon. They approved of her.
Yoongi never could have that kind of luck, not for a second. He wishes he could tell these boys, his closest friends, about the exchange of ‘I love you’s, about his dreams for a future, about his hopes in this relationship. Instead, here he was begging for a plus-one invitation.

“She can come, hyung,” Jungkook said, his voice faltering a little. Yoongi could tell he was nervous. Jungkook could barely even talk to Sooyeon. They’d barely ever exchanged words or ever spoken one-on-one. Jungkook refused to be in the same room as her.

But he was at least trying to accomodate Yoongi and that was all Yoongi could ask for at this point.

Except the already-pathetic joy was short-lived when he was later informed Jungkook admitted he didn’t want Sooyeon to come.

Then came the blow that Jeongyeon and Jimin broke up shortly before the party.

Then came the announcement the day before the party that no one was allowed to bring girlfriends to the party ‘to be respectful to Jimin’.

The excuse was as flimsy as it sounded. It couldn’t have been any more obvious who the target was either; Yoongi was the only one in a relationship at the time.

When informing her that she was no longer invited to the party led to the end of their relationship, Yoongi felt he had no one to blame but himself for not fighting harder for her when it came to the band. Every accusation she made about his lack of investment, every word she said about his tendency to push her aside to make room for the other boys, not a word of it was untrue. He could understand why he was losing her, it was just the latest incident in a string of tragedies that came at her expense. Whether it was a party, an event, a concert, Sooyeon was not welcome into Yoongi's life if the boys had anything to say about it. And Yoongi always let them have their say.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was always his fault. Even this, this had to be his fault somehow. Yoongi had to deserve this punishment somehow. It was the only way to make things make sense. If only he had stopped Jin on time, he wouldn’t be in this mess.One could tell Jin expected to announce Yoongi’s feat to a reception of thunderous applause and hollering cheers. His choice of words couldn’t have made that any more clear. Jin had done a quick scan of the room - noting the only other person present was a stylist who was on her way out - before he couldn’t help bursting with the news. His eyes shined with a light in them that Yoongi wanted more time to fixate on, wishing he could reflect on why Jin was so ready to be happy that he was happy, as though Jin lived to see him happy.“Jin, please-” Yoongi tried as one final attempt at stopping his hyung.“Yoongi’s in love!” the eldest bandmate announced to the room, confusing all of the boys. The bands’ heads turned so fast their necks almost snapped. “And he has a girlfriend! And-” Yoongi was almost sure Jin’s immature remarks would have extrapolated further if he hadn’t interrupted. Jin was exaggerating for comedic effect to tease Yoongi, but he clearly wasn't reading the room to see whether his words were being well received. Jin's hyperbole was already putting Yoongi into problems, easily seen by a simple glance around the room.“Jin-” Yoongi couldn’t help his broken cry as he watched the entire room freeze upon hearing Jin continue. Yoongi’s tone seemed to have startled Jin out of his joy for barely a second before Jin continued, clearly believing Yoongi just wanted him to exaggerate less.“Fine, Yoongi is seconds from finally getting a girlfriend.”It’d only been months since Sooyeon had been in Yoongi’s life, but Jin was talking like it’d been centuries since he’d last dated. Yoongi had to admit it felt like centuries. It also felt like it’d be centuries longer before he’d finally get to go back to having a dating life at all. No one could really blame him for that attitude, but it seemed like Jin found a way.Jin seemed so excited for Yoongi to be moving on that the rapper finally picked up on the likely reasoning behind his glee. The band never particularly liked to deal with how immediately the breakup came after the band had purposefully uninvited Sooyeon because they disliked her. Yoongi never shared the story of why or how they broke up, but it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.Yeah, the band never liked to touch on that subject. No one wanted that kind of guilt looming over their heads. Especially considering how long it took after the breakup for Yoongi to be willing to leave his room for anything other than work. Considerably not after the countless heartbreaking songs he wrote about her. Certainly not after Yoongi admitted he’d begun thinking about settling down with her.Jin clearly believed they owed it to Yoongi to be enthusiastic about this new potential relationship Jin seemed to have fabricated out of thin air. At least, Yoongi wondered if that was the true intention behind his dramatics.No one else seemed to be on the same page. Namjoon was the first to finally inquire about the reality behind Jin’s words. The others still seemed to be deciding on what to approach first.“What happened?” Namjoon didn’t seem to be holding on to any hope that Jin would give him a straight answer, so he looked to Yoongi as he asked. Yoongi didn’t even know what to say, a little embarrassed though he had nothing to hide. There was no validity to Jin’s outbursts, but still they were making him shy. He knew Jin was teasing him but as Jin spoke Yoongi couldn’t help wondering if Jin was reading the room at all. Their bandmates were various degrees of annoyed. “Guys, seriously.”Namjoon just seemed to want context and they were meeting him with silence as Jin was quieted by the strange reactions in the room.“There’s this girl, a band visual, in the parking lot. She and Yoongi keep flirting like kindergarteners. It was so gross,” Jin described gleefully, clearly not letting the others’ reactions drag him down. He clearly expected that at least Namjoon would join him in his excitement.It was so rare to see Jungkook act cold. It was difficult to really notice the moments where Jungkook asserted himself as an adult rather than submitting to the role he played as the youngest, BTS’s never-maturing maknae. Not only did Jungkook rarely speak up, the boys tended to ignore him when he did. But Yoongi could see the change in this moment. Jungkook looked like the grownup he was right now. His jaw locking, his hands clamped, his eyes narrowed, Yoongi had never seen him so quietly aggressive. The attitude came seemingly out of thin air.“Who is she?” Jungkook asked suddenly, his tone reflecting a forced interest that Yoongi could tell was rooted in something much darker.“Is it the same girl Yoongi went up to today?” Tae asked, his tone opposite to Jungkook. It was like he was forcing a disinterested tone. He seemed to be trying to get on Jin’s side of this mood, but he was failing to seem genuine about it. “Ah yes. They were inseparable this afternoon.” Yoongi couldn’t help thinking what a vile perspective that was on his episode. He was suffering under his anxiety and panic issues but here Jungkook and Tae still thought he was so interested in flirting that he forgot about their traumatizing interview.“Didn’t think you were the type to flirt like that,” Jungkook said, his voice low. He didn’t even look at Yoongi when he spoke. He was just staring down at his hands.Even though they were fighting, Yoongi realized knowing that Jungkook was upset with him was enough to make him crumble under the weight of his judgment. It only worsened as the others piled on their disappointment. He couldn’t stand to be judged or disliked by them. It was the scariest experience for him to see them lose any kind of favor for him. He survived off their approval, but in this moment their affection for him was dwindling before his eyes.“She’s Naeun from Apink,” Tae explained finally when Jungkook started getting impatient waiting for his answer about the girl. “She’s very pretty.” Tae’s tone was so passive that Yoongi couldn’t decipher what he meant by this comment. He was saying it as if it explained something but then also like he was just stating a simple fact. Even though they were fighting and Tae’s disinterest should have been believable, somewhere behind the indifference and objectiveness, the disinterest just seemed ingenuine.Maybe Tae was just annoyed with him because they were fighting. It didn’t seem like him to bring commentary about a stranger into a fight, but residual bitterness over their argument was the only thing that made sense to Yoongi to explain Tae’s strange behavior. Why else would he care?It was no surprise Tae knew who Naeun was. Tae loved music. He knew all the bands. He was the one always dancing at award shows and cheering on each band, dancing the choreography from his seat. It’s part of what Yoongi loved about him but also something they did not have in common.Only briefly taking his eyes off Tae, Yoongi caught Jungkook’s eye roll just before the maknae spun his chair around so his back was to the group.Jin seemed intent on spinning this scene.“We should be proud. You guys should see her in person! Honestly, she's easily one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. And she seems ridiculously sweet,” Jin tagged on, warmly reminding Yoongi that as vain as Jin tried to make himself come off, he was often very bored with a person’s aesthetics alone. However, anyone who met Naeun had to give her looks credit where credit was due.Yoongi knew he wasn’t swooning or anything - it took more than a pretty face to get to him. However, there were some beauties that made you speechless and a little starstruck. He had to admit this was one of those times. He wished he could join Jin in singing her praises, but this conversation was anything but comfortable already. God forbid he compliment a pretty woman on top of it.“She’s taken a huge interest in Yoongi,” Jin continued. “It’s really cute.” Jin smiled to Hobi, who could barely fake a smile back. The reaction caught Yoongi’s eye. While Yoongi just wanted to focus on Jin’s sweet attempts at being happy for him, he could feel how violently everyone was radiating intolerance. Although Hobi was the one who sent Yoongi to meet Naeun again and check if she was looking to tell anyone about his weird dissociative episode, he seemed to be disappointed that Yoongi followed through. In fact, he looked betrayed.Yoongi couldn’t help noting that this reaction shouldn’t have surprised him. Hobi got like this whenever he thought Yoongi was taking an interest in literally anyone. Whether romantic, sexual, even sometimes just platonic, Hobi tended to find an issue in anyone he got suspicious about when it came to Yoongi’s intentions with them. Someone was always too inauthentic, too cold, too vapid, too imperfect. There was always something wrong with whoever Yoongi wanted to be with.Making the specific correction in his head, Yoongi clarified to himself that his best friend only got like this specifically when Hoseok wasn’t seeing anyone. Once Hoseok had a distraction, he couldn’t care less who Yoongi was seeing. God forbid Hobi was in a dry spell, however, and Yoongi would have to avoid flirting with anyone at parties for weeks just so Hobi wouldn’t punish him for it. Whether punishment come in the form of complaints, criticisms, or the silent treatment, it always hurt so much that Yoongi would give up on anyone who crossed his path just to stay on Hobi’s good side.Then, when he was “good” and didn’t get tempted by others, he’d be subjected to teasing touches, suggestive gestures, and shameless flirting from his best friend who’d get him worked up all night whenever they went out. He’d fill Yoongi’s head with illusions of them together just to make Yoongi go to sleep in his own bed alone when he could have found someone else to spend the night with who wouldn’t tease him only to reject him later.The only time Yoongi ever got closure from Hobi was the night they kissed and Hobi told him he loved him.That is, only for Hobi to snub Yoongi the night that he tried to confess that he loved him back. It was like Hobi wanted all of his attention but never his love. He could remember it like it was days ago rather than years, a swift denial from Hobi as he was in the middle of telling Hobi that he thought it was about time he confess his love to the person in his life who meant more to him than anything else. Yoongi had found his soulmate .But a sudden outburst from Hobi about how he could never risk his future had cut him off.Hobi knew exactly who Yoongi’d meant when he was gearing up to confess his feelings. That was clear in the month after that Hobi could barely look him in the eyes.Then it was back to the old routine of keeping Yoongi away from anyone else that might have made him happy. Yoongi knew this would always be consistent. So long as Hobi wasn’t looking elsewhere at the moment, Yoongi wasn’t allowed to be either.Forever lovesick over his best friend, Yoongi hadn’t gotten tired of the routine until Sooyeon came along. Then Hobi’s complaints and the criticisms didn’t work on Yoongi because everything about Sooyeon felt perfect. Even her flaws made Yoongi swoon and Hobi’s old tricks weren’t enough to change his mind.They stopped talking to each other for six weeks until Sooyeon left Yoongi. Then Hobi was there to pick up the pieces and Yoongi ate undeserved crow for not listening to Hobi and pushing Sooyeon away in the first place. Much like in this moment, maybe Yoongi didn’t really believe it, but he coped with these situations by finding a way to blame himself for the entire affair.So inherently this, today, also felt like there was no one else to blame but himself for ever getting Naeun involved.“Of course she did. He’s in BTS,” Jimin said suddenly in reply to Jin, bitterness laced in his tone so viciously that even Namjoon turned upon hearing it. Namjoon seemed to be the only other member staying tuned into the conversation while the others looked lost in thought. Yoongi could understand Jimin’s insinuation: Naeun had to be interested in Yoongi because he was important. How much did that say about how Jimin really felt about him? He was willing to degrade him so much in front of the others.Just when Yoongi wanted to look to Jin and Namjoon for comfort and an escape out of this situation, Namjoon turned on him too.“Out in the open, Yoongi?” Namjoon asked. “It’s like you’re asking for paparazzi.” Yoongi was speechless.“I was careful.” He felt almost like he was admitting guilt when he’d barely done anything to pursue Naeun in the first place, but it was too late to turn back now.Yoongi didn’t know what it was with Namjoon. He had to wonder if maybe this reaction came because he was extremely careful about dating nowadays. Considering ever since his girlfriend he wouldn’t take any chances, Yoongi wasn’t even sure he dated after Mi-Cha. He definitely didn’t tell the band if he ever did. Of course, after how ashamed Namjoon felt about their friendship deteriorating over Mi-Cha, and considering how Yoongi could barely handle a mere mention of Mi-Cha’s name, Namjoon had every reason to keep his relationships a secret from Yoongi. He wouldn’t really just tell him.So Yoongi wondered if maybe Namjoon was just nervous about the risk because it’d been so long since he took the risk himself.Still, it felt like Namjoon was being harsh. Namjoon and Yoongi were both the best at playing the social game as idols. They’d learned the way this industry works. If there was anyone Namjoon should have trusted not to risk the band’s reputation over some stranger, it was Yoongi. Yoongi bitterly wondered why he wasn’t being afforded the trust that he deserved.“Didn’t Apink come out with that trainwreck of a song this season,” Jimin snarked suddenly.“Probably why they’re still in promotions,” Jungkook muttered.“Desperate,” Jimin agreed with Jungkook’s reasoning.“What does her band have to do with this?” Jin asked incredulously, clearly getting annoyed at the younger men’s tones. Yoongi had never thought of Jimin as someone who would be snobby about a love interest’s career but he had to wonder if it never came up since Jimin’s first love was a member of the most popular girl group in the country.He wondered if dating an idol had gone to Jimin’s head or if this was personal towards Naeun for some reason. He really needed this to be about anything else other than what he was thinking, because seeing this jealous and possessive side of Jimin again was scaring him. Yoongi was afraid of Jimin’s reaction right now because Jimin looked ready to erase him out of his life suddenly.Jungkook stepped in to defend his and Jimin’s remarks. “She just doesn’t seem like Yoongi’s type.”Trying to sound uninvested, Tae offered an opinion. “Maybe it’s not required for her to be talented for Yoongi to be interested.” His tone was mellow as if he was simply commenting on the weather.“Excuse me, what does that mean?” Yoongi fought back suddenly.“I’m not sure that’s true,” Jimin replied. “I feel like there has to be some sort of standards. I just didn’t think they’d measure up.”Jungkook snorted.Yoongi felt like he was being bullied in a school playground. Yoongi was especially crushed because he’d never seen Jungkook act rude about his interests before. He couldn’t even see Jungkook’s expression in order to decipher it, the maknae’s back still to the band.He supposed it had to just be about the fact that he and Jungkook were fighting. But he also noticed before that Jungkook was pretty angry back when he had dragged Yoongi away from Naeun. He’d never seen Jungkook act like that, nor seen Tae act quite so bitter about him “flirting”.Suddenly meeting Yoongi’s mournful stare, Jungkook swiftly got up out of his chair and headed for the door. “I’m out of here,” he muttered, skirting past Jin and Yoongi and walking out the door without looking at either of them.There was a thick tension in the air until Namjoon finally spoke up.“I just thought you’d be more careful, Yoongi. That’s all,” he said finally, not knowing how to address the other comments in the room. “Let’s go finish this shoot. And maybe let’s try not to make any tabloid headlines in the process.” Namjoon’s comment was aimed at Yoongi but he didn’t dare make eye contact. Namjoon looked disappointed and tired, as if taxed in energy by the information Jin had provided.They had officially taken all Yoongi could give. Feeling drained and unwell, Yoongi licked his lips, lost deep in his thoughts before finally turning and exiting the room without a word. Putting a hand to his forehead, he wondered if he was falling ill or if this weakness he felt was just a symptom of how absolutely defeated and mortified he was.Namjoon surveyed the room after Yoongi fled. Replaying the conversation in his head, he saw Tae’s deep frown as the man stared after Yoongi as he left. He saw the desperation in Jin’s face as the vocalist took off after Yoongi, calling his name and asking him to slow down and wait for him only to have to run to follow him. Namjoon caught a glance at Hoseok looking down at the floor and melting into his chair like his limbs had never felt so heavy before now.Then, worst of all, he met eyes with Jimin and watched the singer replay the same scene too as he visibly tallied everything he’d done wrong. Jimin and Namjoon both counted the number of times they could have said anything else, anything that wouldn’t have hurt Yoongi, but chose to say what they did anyway.And in replaying the scene, Namjoon couldn’t help woefully realizing that Yoongi’s eyes looked like they were welling up when he departed, evidence that they’d gone too far, an emotional testament to just how badly they’d handled the situation.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jin didn’t reach Yoongi on time. As Yoongi saw him down the hall, he turned the next corner and was so surrounded by crew that Jin knew to back off and leave him alone before he got more worked up. His eyes were no longer swelling as he used his well-practiced skill in suppressing tears. He cleaned up just in time before he ran into Hani, who looked intent on finding him and was too relieved when their eyes met.Yoongi wasn’t surprised she was out of her dressing room. Lunch was about to be put out. Soon the entire crew and cast of the show would be mingling over food. Yoongi had half a mind to go check if lunch was out yet but he picked up on Hani’s intent to speak to him very late. Too late. She had her hands on him before he could even tell she wanted to talk.Hani grabbed him by the shoulders and had him face her directly. They were eye to eye. In her tall heels, she towered over him so she was just high enough to hold him by his shoulders comfortably.Yoongi normally didn’t like being touched but, to be fair, Hani was too pretty to really sustain a grudge against. Yoongi was easily blinded by beauty, even if it did little to make him swoon or become interested in someone romantically. Some people were just so nice to look at. Even being surrounded by handsome boys the way he was wasn’t enough to make him numb to the charms of pretty people.
Wow, he was weak.
Hani made him face her even more intensely before she shook him by his shoulders.“Hey! You need to calm down, buddy,” she instructed with a friendly grin. Yoongi wondered briefly if he’d failed to suppress tears but she looked more amused than anything. He figured she wouldn’t be reacting that way if he was still tearing up.“You need to calm down, friend,” she repeated. “It’s all going to be alright. Heechul and I have got you, okay?” Yoongi just nodded, his eyes wide as this entire interaction was jarring him just a bit. Maybe Hani had a point. This entire conversation was making him clam up.Yoongi couldn’t help wondering why she was talking directly to him rather than going through Jin or Heechul. He supposed some people could afford that kind of confidence with strangers. The rapper envied that ability she seemed to have to talk to just about anyone she wanted with ease.Hani looked satisfied that she had delivered her message.“Okay, good talk. By the way, I heard you didn’t eat breakfast.” Yoongi couldn’t even begin to wonder how she found out that information when even Yoongi didn’t realize he hadn’t eaten yet. “You seem tired. Let’s go to lunch! The fans shouldn’t have to worry about you and neither should I.” She turned him around by his shoulders and proceeded to guide him forward while lightly massaging him in an effort to calm him down, a gesture that reminded him of his days on the basketball court.Jin was right about her. For such a feminine beauty, Hani’s behavior was outright brotherly. Yoongi was a bit of a fan of that attitude. He realized he’d want to be friends with her if they saw each other more often.At least, he would if he was just a little less awkward. He was more the type to befriend someone equally as shy if not worse than him, like Naeun clearly was with her nervous tone and awkward thoughts.This marked the first time he had an offhand thought about Naeun without someone else prompting him. He wasn’t going to lie to himself, it was pleasant thinking about her. She was so nice to him today, he hoped he’d at least get to thank her for her concern before they part ways. He trusted there was no way she’d be the type to leak his dissociative episode, so at this rate he was just looking forward to hopefully seeing her just to get a chance to talk to her again.“Your leader also needs some stress relief. Give him some water or something? I’m sure somewhere around there should be some calming tea.”“Namjoon is just a stiff person. He came like that in the box,” Yoongi joked hesitantly. Hani laughed as they approached the break room.“I’m sorry this is happening to you guys,” she said finally as she let Yoongi go. Yoongi had goosebumps from being touched but he very easily forgave her for the unwanted touchiness just looking in her eyes. Yoongi was unfortunately realizing today just how weak he was for pretty faces. “I saw V looking very stressed in the practice room and your maknae doesn’t seem to be in the best mood. Keep an eye on them?”Yoongi swallowed nervously and nodded.“I hear you’re doing my part for ‘I Love You’,” she said suddenly. Yoongi was having a hard time keeping up with her subject changes, so he just nodded. “I can’t wait to see what you do with it. Jin wouldn’t shut up about how good it was.” Curse Jin.Seeing the others in the band, she smiled politely at Yoongi before going to seemingly give the others a similar pep talk to get their mood up. Jimin had a moment just looking at Hani’s face, clearly resisting a blush. Yoongi chuckled to himself.“Yoongi, you got a minute?” Heechul called out from behind him. Turning, Yoongi nodded before following Heechul out when he nodded. As soon as he joined him out in the hallway, Heechul handed him an apple he clearly took from the lunch spread. “Eat something, you look tired.” He echoed Hani so much, Yoongi couldn’t help but notice how similar these two were.Yoongi knew something was going on between them but he knew better than to ask. He and Heechul were close, but they were close enough for Yoongi to understand the danger Heechul would be in if too many people knew certain secrets of his. Speaking about your dating life was almost never safe, no matter how understanding or trustworthy your peers are.Yoongi didn’t even bite the apple once, too distracted. “How are we doing out there?”Heechul shrugged, clearly intent on talking about something else. “Let’s not talk about the show. It’ll stress you out more,” he warned. Yoongi had to agree. “Your favorite nerd says hi, by the way. He insisted that I not forget to send you his greetings.”Yoongi laughed. “Chanyeol could have just texted me.”“I know from personal experience you do not answer texts unless you need something,” Heechul teased. Yoongi was just about to take him seriously and get upset when Heechul punched his shoulder. This touch was fine, this touch was comfortable. He knew Heechul well enough for this. “It’s part of your charm. You’re not needy 95% of the time but the other 5% it’s almost cute how desperate you are. Heechul, hurry! Quick! The host is going to eat our band alive!” “That is not how I sounded,” Yoongi insisted, amused at Heechul’s antics.“No, you’re right. I didn’t include the shameless sobs.” Yoongi laughed. “Do me a favor though?” Heechul rarely took on the tone of a sunbaenim with Yoongi but he could tell some serious advice was coming his way. “Give Chanyeol a call. Or anyone. Even Kihyun and what’s his face count-”“Jooheon-”“I’m surprised even you remember with how long it’s been. Let’s go. Get your party on. Go see your friends.”“Why are you so worried?” Yoongi asked curiously, wondering if he was acting strangely. “Am I doing something wrong?”“The way everyone tells it, you haven’t taken a break from the band ever since your hiatus started. I’m just worried about you. I used to work non-stop, now look at me. I’m old and frail and can barely stay up past midnight at a party. Use your youth-” Heechul said, slipping into his occasional old-man act that he liked to pull out when talking to younger idols. Yoongi was pretty sure he only used his age to make a point when he wanted to insist that he was right about everything.But he had a point. Especially after what happened in the dressing room, Yoongi knew he needed his old friends.“Okay. I’ll call Chanyeol,” Yoongi said.“Good. He never shuts up about you. I think you’re his only friend. Please get him a girlfriend,” Heechul insisted. “Fast. I’m tired of his phone calls. I don’t like people enough for that.” Yoongi couldn’t help a slight giggle. The sound made Heechul snort and laugh too. “Just don’t take this band stuff too seriously. It’s important but it can’t be your entire life.” Yoongi recalled giving Tae similar advice years ago.“He’s right, you know,” Namjoon said, startling Yoongi as he approached from behind. “Besides, your other friends are much cooler.” “Don’t you start,” Heechul lectured. “I heard someone’s been chatting up the Wanna One boys. Longing for your younger years, Namjoon?” The tease made Namjoon laugh.“I go out with them for a good time. I regret every single attempt. I can’t stay up past midnight at any party.” Heechul seemed to laugh because he’d said something similar moments before.“Namjoon, you’re a man after my own heart.”Namjoon smiled. He held out a hand to Yoongi. A gesture of peace between them. He knew Yoongi very quietly, very secretly loved holding hands and would abandon most grudges for the chance to have that connection with someone. Hesitantly, he took his hand, passing the uneaten apple back to Heechul. Changing the subject as the warning about the end of lunch was announced and interrupted them, Heechul began a bit of a ramble. “You guys can’t be tense out there. The fans will notice. Just trust me and-”“You and Hani, I know,” Yoongi agreed, not wanting another lecture about how bad he was at hiding his stress. He thought he was doing a great job before, so this news was a bit of a letdown.“No, me and the host. Didn’t Namjoon tell you? He offered the host a gig. The man is over the moon now. You’ll all be fine.” Yoongi looked to Namjoon, who just beamed proudly like a successful leader basking in the glory.“It was mostly Jimin’s doing, but it was pretty impressive if I do say so myself,” Namjoon bragged. “By the way, I’ll make sure Yoongi calls Chanyeol,” Namjoon insisted to Heechul reassuringly. “I think he’s rightfully getting tired of us.”“Just a bit,” Yoongi admitted, earning a smile from Namjoon for his honesty. Together, they walked off back to the fitting room as they heard a call about the start of costume changes.“Wear something hot for your dance,” Heechul advised. “Short shorts and boots are very in season right now.”“Why do you know that?” Yoongi teased back as he rolled his eyes and walked away with a smile on his face. He squeezed Namjoon’s hand as they walked. Maybe Namjoon hadn’t said it yet but Yoongi could tell he was sorry. In the next few moments they had together, Namjoon ran his finger along the back of Yoongi’s hand and didn’t pull away when staff members saw. He wasn’t ashamed of his connection with Yoongi and that meant the world right now. Besides, Yoongi knew it was only a matter of time before he found the words to apologize.“Namjoon-ssi,” the host called after them in the hallway. He glanced at their joined hands but then clearly decided not to address it. “There is something I thought I should mention to you before the shoot starts. It’s important.” Namjoon nodded as he reluctantly released Yoongi’s hand after a warm squeeze.“We’ll talk later,” he told Yoongi, insinuating that he’d probably parrot the new information to Yoongi right after he got the walkthrough. Yoongi just nodded, watching the two of them walk off as the host handed Namjoon a file. He could tell Namjoon was disturbed by whatever he saw inside the file as soon as he opened it. Before he could get too curious, the two men turned the corner and disappeared from his view.As he reluctantly walked away, he caught sight of Tae sitting in a practice room alone looking miserable. Yoongi’s heart broke a bit for him, wondering just what it was he was going through that was still plaguing him. Yoongi knew it had to be more than just their fight. He was giving Tae everything he wanted. The vocalist didn’t have reason to grieve over them anymore.His heart sank so far he felt like he was about to be sick. Heechul was right, this band couldn’t be his entire world.The rest of the interview shoot was a blur of dance-related games that were making Yoongi feel sicker by the second. Worried about his upcoming solo, Yoongi kept feeling like he could get sick at any moment from how much his stomach was cramping after the fourth game they played. The two-time speed dances always got to him and they did two of these routines in a row.By the end of it, he was crouched over and clutching his stomach. The others dramatically collapsed to the ground for the humor of the episode, but Yoongi purposefully kept himself off camera as he struggled to catch his breath and will the pain away. “Yoongi?” Tae said, approaching carefully. It seemed he was the only one in the band who seemed to notice something was wrong.“I’m fine, join the others,” he instructed immediately. He should have eaten. Looking around to see if the food from lunch was still out, he was disappointed to find the table had been cleaned out. Only garnishes were left on the trays, as if to tease him regarding all the foods that must have been lying out during lunch.Maybe this would be good for his diet anyway. He was doing so much exercise, he’d deserve a big dinner when he got home. “Are you su-”“Please go away, Tae,” he finally said, mostly using his rough tone to get Tae to leave him alone. He didn’t want everyone swarming him and worrying about his health. He’d endured much worse in the past, he could get through this day. As long as he was hostile with Tae, even if it was undeserved at the moment, Tae was unlikely to report his struggles to the others. Yoongi didn’t want to complicate things at this shoot. Things were stressful enough as it was.Finally, the time came for the rest of the solos.Yoongi watched Jimin’s mashup routine pretty objectively. He danced like the routine was made for him, the fluid style of the dance moves matching his prior training so perfectly that it seemed like Jimin was more in his element than he was even with their own dances. His performance was stunning, his facial expressions bitter and cold during the more aggressive half of the routine and charming and sweet during the more upbeat, cheery half.Hobi was up next. As mad as Yoongi was at his best friend, he effectively hid behind Jin as he watched the routine, knowing he was visibly captivated watching Hobi challenged himself to show the full potential of his performance ability, what he normally hid in order to blend in better with the others. His dance was already very sexy, but Hobi’s facial expressions were fatal. The femininity of the moves in the dance were also made to be tempting. While they could have ended up looking disastrous, he ended up making himself more desirable in the way he could pull it off and look sexy in a way that reminded him of the original soloist’s seductive stage presence.Yoongi licked his lips as he willed himself to stop reacting the way he was. He just never wanted the sight to end. As mad as he was at Hobi, and he wasn’t willing to let that go yet, he also acknowledged just how weak he really was as he imagined Hobi letting him see him run this routine one more time. Oh, what Yoongi would do to have that private show.
Dangerous thoughts.
Sharply inhaling, he snapped out of it. Grateful that Jin was hiding him from the view of any camera, Yoongi willed himself to calm down.Up next was Tae. Yoongi barely had time to prepare himself to be insulted, still so dismayed by his reaction to Hobi’s dance. As Tae started, Yoongi didn’t even notice that the song was different until the lyrics finally became clear to him.
Don’t look at me anymore, boy. Even if I’m sad, I won’t cry. The look you’re giving me when I’m so cold to you.
It was a different song by the same soloist.The lyrics felt like they were demonstrating a completely different sentiment. Though he wanted to assume that Tae chose the song out of convenience because he already knew the routine, the lyrics were speaking to their situation.
The moonlight that shined on us is setting now. Can’t you see? Your hand that can’t let go is slowly getting red.
This also almost felt….apologetic.The performance wasn’t as perfect as the old song had already been, but Tae’s routine was still pretty flawless. It was enough to show the same level of effort as the others had demonstrated in their routines. Yoongi wondered how hard Tae must have had to drive himself to do well. This must have been why he was in rehearsal rooms so often.Luckily, before he could get himself worked up over Tae’s choice to change the song last minute to spare his feelings, Yoongi was called up to the front to perform his routine.Yoongi’s only worry in this performance was that perhaps he wasn’t pulling off the femininity of some of the dance moves the way he needed to. He was aiming to make the moves more unisex, so that he could show a gruff, darker side to the choreography than the original portrayed.Yoongi was making the dance his own, hoping that Hani wouldn’t mind the change. Physically, he was doing the exact choreography, but the way he did the dance was almost intimidating. He turned the song into something more dangerous because that’s what he was feeling at the moment. He wasn’t feeling sweet. He was feeling mischievous, spiteful, almost angry.This was how he was meant to feel over the way these boys would manipulate him. All he did is give to this band, and he’d taught them to take and not give back the way they should. This was too much for him.No matter how feminine the dance was, Yoongi knew he was nailing the execution from seeing the band’s reaction in his peripherals. Eventually, they just started cheering for every few moves the way they had cheered only during the particularly scandalous parts of Hobi’s dance. It was like they’d all forgotten their bad moods for the time being just so that they could be impressed with Yoongi’s work.A paranoid part of himself wondered if they were just trying to make him feel better. He could feel their self-induced guilt from a mile away when they started shooting. Maybe he did believe they regretted all they had said to him not even an hour ago. That didn’t just make things okay between them.His performance and stage presence were amplified by his raging emotions.He was pleased only when Hani giggled and clapped when he mimicked her little flourishes to the choreography. At this rate, Hani was the only one he was really out to impress. It was her role, after all. If anyone was fit to judge his execution, it was her. Truth be told, at the end of the day, that was mostly what this was about. He wasn’t working to be a good performer to make the boys respect him. He was looking to be the best performer he could be - for himself and for no one else. He sought meaningful validation that he was doing a good job, not emotional validation from the boys who he felt very used by at the moment.“That was deliciously dark,” Hani commented offhand when he finished, after they had all cheered for him. They’d probably cut her comment from the episode. In that moment, it seemed like she was really just talking to speak as herself, not as a host. Yoongi appreciated that she felt the need to push a compliment just for a compliment’s sake.The boys wrapped up the shoot with a group routine, a seductive dance that was also originally performed by Hani’s band. The song was released earlier the previous year and was seemingly one of Namjoon’s favorite songs. He had less than innocent reasons for knowing the routine so well, Yoongi knew how much he liked to watch girl groups, but it allowed for a decent advantage in trying to keep up with the other dancers as he learned the choreography.As Namjoon was the only one Yoongi was currently in a decent mood with, he really cheered on the progress he was showing in his dancing ability as he went up to perform with Tae and the dance line. Doing a surprisingly good job at trying to look sexy, Namjoon matched the other dancers perfectly. He was taking the routine very seriously. Yoongi couldn’t help supporting him as he impressed even Jin, who normally was the first to criticize his dancing.Though Jin hadn’t done anything necessarily wrong, Yoongi felt like he’d have conflicted feelings about him until they talked about what he did. In this moment, however, being there for Namjoon’s success was second nature to them as they grabbed onto each other in melodramatic shock for the camera as they rooted for their band leader.Things were less than perfect right now, but Yoongi was happy to enjoy the lighter moments in periods of darkness.As sick as Yoongi felt, all he wanted was to get away from the others and find somewhere else to be. Unbeknownst to him until it was too late, Taehyung was trailing close behind him with a concerned look on his face that made Yoongi want to disappear into thin air.“I know you don’t want to discuss it but you look sick.” Tae said when Yoongi finally stopped trying to outpace him in their walk.“What do you really want, Tae?” Yoongi asked, trying to sound patient so that Tae wouldn’t notice his desperation. He was getting more and more exhausted by the minute. He knew Tae wasn’t just here to talk about his health, though. The man had come with a mission.“I want to talk.”“Not today,” Yoongi said. Tae clearly seemed to think Yoongi was just avoiding him.“I didn’t do the other song. Surely that counts for something. Please, hyung, just give me a minute to explain. I promise, just a minute.” Yoongi’s stomach churned again suddenly, aching enough that he wanted to complain aloud just out of sheer panic.“I can’t do this right now, Tae,” he insisted, desperate for Tae to get the hint that something was wrong. Finding relief for a moment, he stood up straighter and tried to breathe his way through the exhaustion.The relief came just in time as Yoongi and Tae were set to walk past Heechul. If Heechul noticed Yoongi was ill, he knew the drama queen would call an ambulance on him. As they approached to pass right by Heechul, Yoongi saw Naeun speaking with him, leaned against the wall looking the most natural he’d seen her all day. He wondered if that’s just how she was around people she knew.Noticing she nearly slipped off the wall upon noticing Yoongi, Yoongi smiled at her antics. Yup, she was definitely just not good with strangers.“Don’t mind her, she’s like this,” Heechul explained when he finally noticed the two men. “One of my shyest interviewees to date. She’s harmless, even for an earpicker.” Yoongi supposed there was an inside joke he was missing. Naeun slightly pouted at Heechul’s teases, clearly able to tell that Heechul had no idea that Yoongi had met Naeun already.“Yoongi, this is-”“He knows who I am,” she interrupted. She seemed to realize a moment later that she’d made herself sound very self-important in that moment. Yoongi smiled. Heechul snorted, clearly thinking she was making a joke. From what Yoongi was picking up about her, she was just incredibly, remarkably, impressively awkward. “Sorry, I mean we’ve met.”“Have we?” Yoongi asked. Naeun seemed confused for a moment. “It’s a joke,” he explained when she looked like she was coming to the wrong conclusion. He had half a mind to believe she was really considering whether he’d forgotten meeting her. As if she didn’t recognize the power of her unforgettable visual.They clearly looked at each other too long. As they ripped their gaze away, they could tell they’d made Heechul feel like he was extraneous to the conversation.“I should get back to work,” he said, in a tone that Yoongi could tell insinuated that Heechul believed he was interrupting something. Naeun seemed ready to beg Heechul to stay.Yoongi was used to people being nervous around him, but not to people who were afraid to be around him. This girl’s anxiety had to be insanely high if she was so afraid to be around him inside a studio where no one would report them for interacting. Meanwhile, she didn’t look curious about him or Tae or their connection to the band. This was so different from what he was used to.It was as if she just wanted to mind her own business. That was so refreshing in such a weird way.Looking to Tae, Yoongi saw the same stunned expression he felt on his face when he first saw Naeun. There was something about your eyes falling on Naeun’s face for the first time, Yoongi realized as he witnessed Tae’s similar experience. Yoongi would admit to it at any time, regardless of the boys’ jealousy: Naeun’s face was the kind that started wars and launched ships. Taehyung was taken aback, clearly.As blown away as Yoongi was by her visual, he knew he couldn’t act like it. If there was anything Yoongi had learned about stunning people, particularly from Tae, it was that beautiful people deserved to hear words about who they are as people. Not compliments about their aesthetics.Yoongi suddenly had the urge to taunt Tae about his attitude earlier in the day.“You know, Tae, we gave Naeun quite the scare earlier,” he started. Naeun shook her head, clearly still hesitant about speaking too much. The less she participated, the more curious he got. Meanwhile, he wanted to make a point to Tae that they should’ve calmed down before pulling him away from Naeun, considering they conflated the dramatics of the situation by behaving the way they did.Yoongi forgot just how much information Naeun held that could come to hurt him. “Are you feeling better? You looked so out of it.” She was clearly also confused the more she glanced at Tae, clearly thrown off by his currently peaceful coexistence with Yoongi. Suddenly, Yoongi was reminded of how angry Jungkook and Taehyung must have looked when they came to get him. That must have been what was throwing her off.“We’d just gotten some bad news on set,” Yoongi lied. “I was a bit distracted. Jungkook and Taehyung were just worried about me.” Yoongi gave Tae a sharp look. Tae got the message immediately as he took on a bashful demeanor.“We’re sorry if we caused any concern,” Tae admitted. “No, it was good of you two to come get him. He didn’t look very steady. I was worried about him getting back.” Naeun was seemingly suddenly under the impression that since Taehyung was his bandmate, he was likely someone Yoongi could trust to know he wasn’t feeling well. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Tae would rat him out in a second if his health was on the line.Yoongi hated how fond that made his thoughts. “You still don’t look very well,” she admitted.“Ouch,” Yoongi joked. Unfortunately, Tae decided to pipe in at this moment.“That’s what I’ve been telling him,” he supported Naeun’s observation. Naeun seemed more concerned that she had done something wrong.“I didn’t mean to offend.”Yoongi wondered sometimes where people got the idea that he and the other boys were holy deities whom no one could upset or offend without dire consequences.Suddenly, Yoongi had to consider maybe he was wrong and Naeun was smarter than Yoongi thought. Maybe sharing these details with Tae was her way to force Yoongi to get help.Fair enough.Yoongi couldn’t help noticing Naeun still seemed a little unsettled speaking to the both of them. He had picked up so far that she seemed to believe they were important enough that it was crucial to watch her behavior around them.As much as he wanted to know what she’d act like in a more natural circumstance, he had to admit it was so nice finally not being the most socially awkward in a room.Naeun cleared her throat. “I did want to say I’m sorry if I seemed indifferent before.”“No, it was sweet,” Yoongi answered. Glancing at Tae, it was clear the man seemed unsure of what to do with himself as the two talked. While Yoongi didn’t see their conversation as particularly compromising, he could tell Tae felt like he was interrupting - just like Heechul did.Yoongi couldn’t help teasing Naeun regardless. “Before I was beginning to wonder if you just didn’t know who I was.” It was a bad joke, he realized, as he could see the question cross Naeun’s mind about whether or not Yoongi was offended by the idea.“I mean, of course I know who you are,” she answered. With another glance at Tae, Yoongi saw Tae looked ready to roll his eyes at their exchange.Then he could see an idea strike Tae’s mind. He was suddenly filled with a kind of determination Yoongi normally only saw in his eyes when he was ready to give a performance.“Hey, speaking of, I really like your group,” Tae interrupted.It was as though she was finally really paying attention to Tae now that he spoke up while Yoongi wasn’t participating. In a similar way to when Tae first saw Naeun, Yoongi could see Naeun processing Tae’s visuals in a slight awe. Yoongi could understand that reaction just as much as Tae’s own. Tae was beautiful. It was hard to overlook when you weren’t around him all the time. Mere eye contact with him used to be enough to make Yoongi’s heart flutter.But just like himself, he recognized Naeun’s fascination was not translating to attraction. She merely seemed to be observing him the way Yoongi saw her. Tae, however, missed out on this hint.Yoongi was used to women swooning at the sight of Tae but Naeun seemed more interested in his words now. Tae mistook the cue. “You’re an amazing singer,” he complimented her. Tae clearly expected her to swoon at simple compliments, the way most women would.Yoongi did his best not to chuckle. If his visual wasn’t swaying Naeun, there was no way simple compliments would appease her. She probably had a long list of acquaintances ready to shower her in praise. Remember who trained you at this kind of thing, kid, Yoongi couldn’t help thinking. He just wanted to charm Naeun’s attention away on principle just to teach Tae a lesson.“I was listening to your newest song during lunch,” Yoongi said. He had only checked it to see if Jimin was right about how bad it was. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t the worst song he’d ever heard.But Yoongi was smart. He knew Naeun was probably looking to hear people going easy on their comeback song.Hilariously, Naeun looked three seconds away from asking why he’d do such a thing, crinkling her forehead in confusion. Yet she bit her tongue. Yoongi chuckled. “Your group does such a good job on the live stages.” The best way to charm someone is to compliment the people they care about. He hoped he was right in assuming she cared about her bandmates. “The lead vocalists are so stable.”Yoongi seemed to have guessed correctly. “Bomi and Namjoo are really working the hardest and it’s paying off,” she shared. He was pretty sure this was the most she’d spoken about anything other than his well-being. “I’m glad you noticed. I should tell them sometime.” She tacked on an awkwardly polite note at the end. “If you don’t mind.”Truthfully, what he appreciated about this girl was how she seemed to be able to tell the difference between what Tae and Yoongi were doing. Sure, Yoongi was actively trying to come off as charming, but she seemed to recognize that Tae was actively trying to flirt whereas Yoongi was less adamant.“Feel free to tell them,” Yoongi said kindly.A silence passed. It was long enough to be considered awkward by most but Yoongi didn’t feel uncomfortable as he waited for Naeun to gather her thoughts.“Right, well,” she started, nervously stepping away. “We’ll be heading home soon so I should go. You take care of yourself.”“Keep in touch,” he said, stumbling for the first time in the conversation. He just wanted some excuse to keep talking to her, but he wasn’t sure she’d take the bait.“What?” she asked, mildly confused. “How?” Yoongi didn’t know how to answer her. She didn’t have a phone on her and neither did he. He didn’t even have a pen. They couldn’t reach out to each other’s companies, obviously.And he wasn’t about to ask Tae for his phone. He’d lose that phone number before they even got home.He took too long to answer. Naeun seemed stressed. Words slipped out before she could stop herself. “Oh, you were just saying that,” she realized. Then she looked like she couldn’t believe she had just said that out loud. Yoongi heard Tae snort quietly. “I’m sorry. I’ll go.” Naeun began hurrying down the hall when Yoongi took a few steps behind her and lightly touched her wrist to get her attention. “How do I actually keep in touch?” Yoongi asked.“Umm,” she seemed out of answers, checking her costume’s pockets as if she could conjure up a pen or phone with sheer willpower.When too much time passed, comfortable for Yoongi but clearly uncomfortable for Tae, Tae finally piped up with a solution. “Have Heechul give her your number,” he volunteered, his tone bored. Yoongi wondered if the help was given just with the intention to end this conversation already.Yoongi just ignored his snark and smiled at Naeun. “Perfect.”As she walked away, looking more unsure than when the conversation had started, Tae finally cleared his throat. Yoongi thought he was still looking for that minute of time that he’d been begging Yoongi for, but instead Tae started up with a question.“What did she mean you looked sick?” he asked.Yoongi hadn’t wanted Tae to find out about his episode, but now that he knew, Yoongi wanted to be spiteful.“I was having a panic attack when you and Jungkook found me,” Yoongi half-lied about his disassociating. “She was just trying to help me get back when you guys showed up. I wasn’t flirting. Maybe you guys need to stop making a big deal about everything and just start listening to me.”Tae was suddenly very concerned. “Wait, Yoongi, you had a panic attack here?”“I don’t need your concern right now, Tae,” Yoongi started, trying to be gentle but clear with his words. Please just let me take care of it myself and stop worrying about me. We’re not in each other’s lives anymore. Remember? That’s what you wanted.”With that in mind, Yoongi walked away before Tae could insist on more questions.Things moved so fast that Yoongi was starting to wonder if his hunger was getting to him. The moments between the end of the shoot and catching Namjoon confronting Hobi with a file were a total blur. He wasn’t feeling too good, but the discovery of what had disturbed Namjoon so much in the file the host had handed him had him positively nauseous.All he’d wanted was to loosen the belt on his costume. He had gotten impatient waiting for the stylist to release him from the confinement of the tight outfit. He needed relief before the irritation drove him crazy.Roughly pulling the belts off his body and undoing every knot woven around him to keep him in the stylish outfit, he felt relief with every undone hook and tie. With a loud sigh, Yoongi melted into the comfort of the booth in the changing room. As he sat there, he found himself incredibly grateful for the curtain blocking any view that would concern the others about his state of health.The sound of the door slamming against the wall as it opened nearly made him run up the wall. It was so startling he could feel his heart rate spike with what little energy he had left.“W-what do you mean they have proof?” he heard Hoseok say, his voice the most afraid he’d ever heard it.“Proof, Hobi. On paper. On camera. Texts, phone calls, everything they need,” Namjoon listed off aggressively. Yoongi rarely heard him get so angry. Having lived through Namjoon’s moments of rage before had done little to protect him from the anxiety that hiding was causing him. He wished he had the energy to tell them he was there. He wished he had the energy to leave and let them have their moment.“Please calm down, Namjoon. The others can’t hear about this.”“They’re going to.”“Come on, Namjoon, you dated as a trainee too.” “I didn’t date other trainees. And I didn’t send pictures either. Hobi, what were you thinking?”“I was young and stupid, Namjoon. And I obviously never thought this would resurface.”“You better thank Jimin for this, for getting on that host’s good side. He handed this over when he could have ruined you instead. Thank God if you want to at this rate, honestly,” Namjoon said, expressing frustration at the expense of his atheist values. “It really is a holy miracle this didn’t get out. The network bought it to release it. You’re lucky the host is so opportunistic, you’re so lucky for so many things right now-”When Yoongi peeked out past the curtain, he saw Hobi was sitting there and taking the lecture, clearly of the opinion that he deserved every lecture Namjoon was throwing his way. Yoongi couldn’t help thinking Namjoon would never argue with an elder member like this if he didn’t have good reason.“You already signed the contract and everything at this point,” Namjoon said, looking like he was ready to pull his hair out. “The company would go nuts if they heard about this. Do you know how bad it would have been if this got out?”“I know.” “And you never told us.”“I’m sorry.”“When the managers asked you if there was something to cover up or take care of, this was the kind of story you should have admitted, Hoseok. What the hell were you thinking?” Namjoon asked again. Hoseok just sat quietly for a minute before finally speaking up.“Now we can bury this,” he said objectively.Too tired to register things as quickly as he should have, Yoongi finally caught on. Hobi had an affair with a trainee. Yoongi didn’t know how the television network got a hold of evidence, but the suggestion that there were pictures and texts made it clear Hobi had been engaging in affairs with fellow trainees and had given someone the proof they needed to expose his past dating life.Hobi was gay. He had zero interest in women. Whether Namjoon realized it or not, that trainee had to be a man. That information was enough to ruin Hobi. Sure, Namjoon was making it sound like the danger was gone now, but that didn’t stop Yoongi from reaching a sickening conclusion: His best friend, his soulmate , Hoseok had lied to him. He didn’t care about the risks of dating a coworker, he just didn’t want Yoongi to confess his feelings for him. He’d done everything to stop him and insist they just be friends.And here Yoongi spent years telling himself if it wasn’t for their work, Hobi might have admitted to loving him back like he said he did the night they spent in the trainee hideout.Questions were racing through his mind as he tried to make sense of it all. Was Hobi just looking for a hookup that night? Did he mean a word of it or was he just that drunk?Either way, one thing was clear: Hobi just didn’t want him and didn’t want to admit it that day. Hobi might never have loved him and Yoongi was here playing the fool believing that Hoseok was just trying to protect his future. That in alternate version of this story, Hobi would be able to pursue something with Yoongi if their careers weren’t standing in their way. He’d found comfort in believing that Hobi secretly loved him too.The aggressiveness, the jealousy, the possessiveness all became recontextualized. Hobi was playing him all along. It wasn’t about love.That was it. He snapped. Yoongi couldn’t hold it in any longer. He was tearing up and he didn’t have the energy to hold it back. He was in enough agony that the relief of tears was enough pleasure to chase while he had the opportunity. He needed to let out the pain somehow.By the time Namjoon had left, Yoongi was too lost in his quiet sobs to notice that Namjoon had left. In fact, he didn’t realize Hobi was still in the room until the dancer followed the faint sound of desperate, shaky breaths that led him to opening the curtain to Yoongi’s dressing room.Hoseok had never looked so scared in his life. Yoongi wondered what he looked like, crying and weak, unable to hold himself up and clearly minutes from passing out.Looking at him, Yoongi could hear his exact words from that day. Yoongi was just about to admit which trainee it was that he’d fallen for, having started off the story by telling Hobi that he had a secret to admit about one of their fellow potential bandmates. Running on the adrenaline of knowing Hobi admitted to loving him, Yoongi could tell Hobi had an idea of where he was going with this tale.Then Hobi just broke his heart with a few friendly sentences. “You’re very brave. You know, I don’t know who the lucky person is but I could never give everything I’ve worked for up just for a chance to date a coworker. This is a job, you know?” Yoongi could only nod. “I’m so glad you understand. You’ve always been very supportive of my dreams, Yoongi. I hope that we’re friends for a long time. For forever, even. Platonic soulmates. Right?” Yoongi wished he could induce vomit at the moment but it didn’t seem like his stomach had anything to release. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday and all the exercise they’d done during the shoot was finally taking its toll. Even with the belts off, he felt like he was suffocating.Hobi’s concern felt fake right now. Yoongi wasn’t sure he’d trust a single word out of his mouth once Hoseok figured out how to express his concern or even ask if Yoongi was okay.“You’d never date a coworker, huh?” Yoongi snipped powerlessly, his voice as low as a whisper as he leaned against the wall to keep him up. Even if Hobi was his only chance at getting help right now, he wanted nothing more than to be left alone. In this state, Yoongi still managed to hold in a reaction to any of this news.Hoseok was immediately horrified as he realized Yoongi had overheard. He licked his lips as if looking for an answer in the time that the gesture bought him. He clearly couldn’t come up with anything. Of course he couldn’t - there was no excuse for what he’d done.“Have you eaten anything?” Hobi asked, his concern for Yoongi’s health taking over and silencing his fear of Yoongi’s recent development. “Yoongi, can you stand up?”“Just get me food,” Yoongi instructed flatly.“I need to get Namjoon. We need to get you to a doctor.”“Get me food, Hobi.”“You’re sick, Yoongi.”“I won’t tell anyone what you did if you just listen to me. Just get me food,” Yoongi repeated himself, his voice steady as he threatened Hoseok.“You’re not okay. You look like you’re about to faint. You need to get help.”“Go now before I change my mind, Hobi. I don’t care if everyone finds out.”“I know you’re bluffing.”“Just try me,” Yoongi said finally, shutting his eyes as he became too tired to hold them open.The next time he opened his eyes, it wasn’t in a hospital room or even a doctor’s office. It was to the sight of Hobi bringing him food and helping him eat little by little until he felt better.Yoongi couldn’t believe the threat had worked. With that, Hobi’s priorities were clear. He’d rather the band never know what he did, no matter if he thought Yoongi was really sick and in need of help. The secret was seemingly more important. I should have known you didn’t love me, Yoongi thought to himself after he’d come to this conclusion. He wished he had the energy or the bravery to say it out loud.The breakdown of how the band sat in the van this time wasn’t very different than how they’d travelled to the shoot in the first place. It was just determined by a lot more resentment this time around. Yoongi didn’t want to sit with Jimin, not after the harsh words that were exchanged over Naeun. He also didn’t want Tae calling attention to his state of health. He hadn’t talked with Jin yet. He was pretty sure he wanted Hoseok to disappear. And Namjoon-Well, seats at Namjoon’s side had been taken up by Hobi and Jin, both of whom seemed determined to talk to him.By default, that left Jungkook. Jungkook had clung to Yoongi’s side ever since they wrapped the shoot. He was sweet suddenly, almost to the point of coming off as a suck up in the way he ignored Yoongi’s bitter, tired mood to drown the man in compliments over his dancing.Eventually, Jungkook mumbled a quiet apology to Yoongi about the talk they’d had earlier about Naeun. He sounded sincere, but Yoongi wondered if he was just afraid about the talk they were meant to have on the way home as promised. Yoongi was going to make the call on how he felt about Jungkook’s lie. They didn’t have an interview to worry about anymore. He could be honest with Jungkook now about how he felt.“He’s disassociating again,” Hobi blurted out in a whisper to Namjoon as soon as Jin turned his attention to Jimin and Tae as they got into a heated discussion.“Yoongi?”“And he nearly fainted in the fitting room today. He wouldn’t let me call for help.” A part of Hobi felt bad for ratting Yoongi out but it was for his own good. “Fainted? Why?” Namjoon inquired.“He hadn’t eaten anything all day and he was sick. He was barely able to sit up.”Namjoon had only seen those symptoms once before in relation to food. He glanced at Jimin, grateful to see the weight that Jimin had gained over the last two years after the boys had managed to get him on a healthier diet than the starving rituals he’d been running on.“Does this have anything to do with the diet?” he asked, already knowing the answer.“He hadn’t eaten all day,” Hobi admitted.Namjoon’s hand tightened into a fist. He looked ready to hit a nearby surface just to take out some aggression. “I knew this was a bad idea.”“I don’t think it’s just the food, Namjoon. Yoongi can’t handle the stress we’re putting him under. We’re going to have to cut him out of the business talks. They can’t be helping.”“But he’s been a major part of these projects, Hoseok. We can’t just cut him out, he won’t accept it.”“Then we’ll make him accept it,” Hobi said finally. Namjoon could feel fear radiating off of him. Hoseok glanced to Yoongi and Namjoon saw all of the concern in his eyes. “Namjoon, he can’t relapse in his health. You know how bad the episodes got last time. I can’t go through that again, not with him. I can’t see him like that.”Namjoon knew Hobi was right, but his solution wasn’t going to be easy. Yoongi would fight tooth and nail to stay involved in defending the band against the company.Jin tapped him on his knee and Namjoon forced a smile, doing his best to look natural. He didn't want to communicate Hoseok’s words to anyone else so he kept quiet, letting it roll around in his mind instead.“Hear me out. I need a drink, and I know you don’t want to admit it but so do you. We all do-” Jin started his not-so-persuasive argument. Namjoon already knew it sounded foolish but the way Jin was saying things made one thing very clear: he was ready to pull the age card on anyone he had to just to make this field trip happen.Namjoon couldn’t help thinking Jin had a knack at doing the worst possible things at the worst possible time.Jungkook was calm as he sat in the row furthest back in the van with Yoongi. It was like he knew the longer he kept quiet, the longer Yoongi wouldn’t tell him about what he was thinking after catching Hobi in his room. Young knew what he was planning to do already, but he was stalling too. Saying the words would hurt him possibly just as much as they would affect the maknae.Yoongi eventually had to rip the bandage off. “I need you to ask Hobi if he’s willing to visit you more often,” Yoongi said finally. Jungkook looked ready to twist this request into becoming something light, but Yoongi knew the real gravity of what he was saying. “I can’t have you in my room anymore.”Suddenly, Jungkook was frozen still as if he wanted to protect himself from registering what was being said. It was if he was waiting for more information because it didn't make any sense yet.“I think it'd be better if Hobi helps you from now on,” Yoongi concluded.Now it wasn’t stillness. Jungkook looked petrified. Young could see the heartbreak just in his gaze. Jungkook looked like he’d fight back if he could, but they both knew if they escalated the conversation, the others would start to pay attention. The one thing Jungkook cared about more than staying with Yoongi was the band finding out something was wrong with him. Sometimes, Yoongi was faced with the understanding that Jungkook would make even him magically forget that he knew the maknae's troubles if he could.Jungkook whispered his rebuttal instead. “Yoongi-”As if he couldn't help it, Yoongi had to cut him off. “I don't think I can trust you right now.” Jungkook was silent again, refusing to look at Yoongi for the moment. Yoongi couldn't help describing his expression as broken. He looked broken all over again, like the day he showed up at Yoongi's door begging for help because he just couldn't force himself to sleep.It was like Jungkook had nothing else he could say. Yoongi did his best not to try to fill the void as the machine cried in silence. He was holding in gasps and hiccups as best he could. Yoongi’s heart was breaking just listening. The rapper felt so lucky he'd taught himself not to cry or he would have given himself away.Swallowing hard, he whispered sympathetically. “Kookie, please don’t cry.” He was getting ready to give up anything to make the younger man stop, but he had promised himself he wouldn’t let Jungkook talk his way out of this. Finally, the maknae spoke up.“Why?”“You know why,” Yoongi sighed out helplessly.“Yoongi-” It was a one word protest, begging just in tone.“You promised me we were okay,” Yoongi said, feeling himself getting emotional. “You said you were sleeping better. Was that true?”“Yoongi,” Jungkook begged again.“Was it true?” There was a long silence.“No.”“You said you’d tell me if something was wrong. You told me we were okay. You promised me you weren’t hiding anything.” Yoongi could feel himself getting worked up as his voice cracked. Just as he was about to continue, he turned when he heard Jin and Namjoon were getting louder in a conversation that had started in whispers. Yoongi pulled away from Jungkook as Jungkook hid his face.“We’re going out for drinks!” Namjoon announced with a somewhat resentful sigh. This had to have been Jin’s idea. Everyone was confused. “Don’t look at me like that. It’ll be fun. I’ll talk to the managers. We’ll have some fun, start the day late tomorrow and sleep in.”Even Jimin and Tae looked too exhausted to look forward to these plans, but they tried to humor the idea for Jin’s sake. Jin was beaming as if he’d found the cure to all of their problems.Yoongi couldn’t help wondering just how wrong this could go.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Maybe it could get exhausting to go to only one specific bar when they were interested in a night out but with their high profile lives, there was almost no other option for the band if they really wanted to get a drink. This location was beautiful, so Yoongi couldn’t complain. The place just felt too familiar in a way that felt particularly uncomfortable today. Normally when he came here, Yoongi and the other boys were in the best possible place, always happy and ready to share a laugh. Today, that couldn’t be farther from the truth for most of them. However, they didn’t really have other options. This bar was the safest for idols to go to. Populated only by the most elite and private of individuals in Seoul, the bar was more like a club considering how overpopulated the dance floor could be.This place was perfect for them. The rules of the bar were made to protect idols. Phones were confiscated at the door. No cameras were allowed. The place was well hidden, with attendance being on an invite only basis. Their own band wasn’t invited to this bar until years after their debut, so the bar wasn’t even the kind to take on rookie idols.As they entered, Namjoon took his hand again to drag him to a table nearest the bar while the other boys went to order drinks. The boys always insisted on ordering their own drinks without the help of any staff. Most other customers had to figure out how to get their requests from the bartender. However, from the moment the band entered, they were assigned a few personal assistants to ensure they had everything they needed.Yoongi had to admit having that kind of power was nice, especially considering so few idol bands even got that privilege.Rather than going to the table reserved for the entire band, Namjoon led Yoongi to sit at a table for two with him, out of the way of the rowdy bargoers. He took two menus out of the holder under the tabletop and started calling for one of their personal assistants to attend them. Yoongi hadn’t even listened in on Namjoon’s conversation with the staff, believing Namjoon must have just been ordering chips or something.As Namjoon nervously tried to make small talk, Yoongi couldn’t help glancing at their real table where the others sat taking their first shots while he and Namjoon waited at this small booth. Something was going on.As if just to cut the mystery short, the staff returned a minute later with plate after plate of food. There was chicken, rice, meat, burgers. The plates filled up the table, leaving room only for the bottle of soda they dropped off last. Yoongi knew exactly what was missing in this order: alcohol.“Am I being cut off already?” Yoongi asked indignantly. While he wasn’t in the biggest mood to drink, he didn’t appreciate being treated like a child.“No,” Namjoon answered calmly.“What is all this?”“I heard you were sick today.” Yoongi rolled his eyes but Namjoon held up a hand to stop his comeback before he could get defensive. “We’ll join the others in a minute, I just want to make sure you eat something before you start drinking. We won’t be able to take shots if you pass out drinking your first beer.”Yoongi hated how rational Namjoon sounded. Determined to be allowed to drink just to avoid humiliation, Yoongi promised to forgive himself later as he cheated his diet and choked down as much food as he could as fast as possible. Truth be told, Namjoon was right. Yoongi had nearly fainted today. If he planned on enjoying a couple of drinks safely, he needed to have a full stomach.As Yoongi pointed out the boys as they entered the dance floor, Namjoon seemingly got tired of sitting on the opposite bench and joined Yoongi on his side to get a better view of the boys. Together, they fondly exchanged jokes about each member regarding their dancing style.“You, however, are a dancing genius,” Namjoon complimented him after criticizing the boys for currently letting Jin take the lead on choreographing their party moves out on the dance floor. They were doing weird jazz hands and walking in place, looking like broken electric fans. Yoongi gave Namjoon a weird look as he picked up the burger next. After this, he was sure he’d be completely full. Or at least full enough to take on a few shots.“What?” Yoongi inquired.“Your dance was amazing. You were a total heartbreaker,” the leader noted fondly. “ARMY is going to love it. We really loved it.”“Maybe you did. The others-” Yoongi cut himself off and bit his tongue.“You’re still mad at us, I know,” Namjoon acknowledged finally. “That’s completely fair. We should all talk about what happened at some point. Until then, just try and enjoy your night tonight.” A doubtful expression crossed Yoongi’s face. “Do it for me?”The accidental aegyo this man radiated was dangerous. His puppy eyed look and accidental pout had Yoongi bending to his wish as he nervously choked down his burger to make himself look busy. “Fine,” he muttered with his mouth full.There was a comfortable silence until Namjoon piped up again. “I’m sorry if I’ve been distant today, but you staying calm and rescuing the band when you could during the interviews meant so much to me. I couldn’t have gotten through the day without you. Thank Heechul for me too when you get a chance.”Yoongi nodded, quietly pondering a few things before deciding on a joke. “So do you prefer to interview in the United States where only you are in charge of our image and what gets said?” Yoongi wouldn’t blame Namjoon for seeing things that way. He was the most socially competent of the band, there was no denying that.“Please, you all barely behave yourself in the United States,” he pointed out with a scoff. After more thought, he continued. “To answer you, no.”“No?” Yoongi asked surprised.“I prefer hearing you all speak your own truths.”“Okay, Mr. President,” Yoongi teased Namjoon’s natural show of leadership. Namjoon rolled his eyes as if to silently tell him to shut up. They smiled at each other as Yoongi finished his plate.Yoongi couldn’t help pushing the subject for another moment. “Your dance was so cute today,” he complimented back. “When you’re not talking, your aegyo game is actually pretty strong.”“Yes, I was going for fierce, powerful woman after a breakup,” Namjoon noted melodramatically.“More impressively, you were also going for ‘someone who can actually dance’,” Yoongi teased. Namjoon scoffed and looked at him, his jaw dropping in mock offense.Yoongi giggled. He could see it in Namjoon’s eyes that if they weren’t in public, he’d be stabbing his sides with bent fingers, knowing exactly where to jab until Yoongi begged him to stop tickling him and apologized for whatever taunt got him into trouble.It was such a good feeling being even just a little bit okay with him again. It was like having your family home during a blizzard, knowing someone he loved was safe with him. Namjoon stubbornly took his hand.“I’m stealing a page from your book with Tae,” he announced. “I’m holding hands with you now that we’re disagreeing.” Even though he faked an amused laugh, Yoongi tried to act like he didn’t think it was awkward to sell out his tradition with Tae. Eventually, he decided just to enjoy it as he squeezed Namjoon’s hand in his and added another one now that he’d finished eating. He pulled the second hand away only to join Namjoon in taking a shot or to take a sip of his beer once the staff had brought them their first round of drinks.Despite having just eaten, the alcohol started taking its toll after his second shot and the latter half of his first glass of beer.However, being like this with Namjoon was so comfortable that they stayed like that for ages.For some reason, after their third shot, Yoongi felt like it was appropriate to speak up: “I’m sorry about freaking out over you mentioning Mi-Cha.” That interaction had been replaying in his head for days.“I deserved it,” Namjoon answered casually.“Namjoon-”“I think we both can agree I’m the one who messed up when it came to how I handled our friendship when Mi-Cha was around,” Namjoon said pretty bluntly. Yoongi wondered if the shots were getting to him too. Normally he wouldn’t speak so candidly, or really even admit fault. He didn’t like to talk about what happened, mainly out of shame. “I probably shouldn’t talk about her anymore. It just seems like one of the things I had to give up once she was out of the picture.”“What else did you give up?” Yoongi asked, confused.“A good chunk of your respect, I assume,” Namjoon joked bitterly. “I treated you like garbage when I was dating her. Then I left her, and you bandaged me up so I could go to practice each day without breaking down.”“Well, you are an ugly crier,” Yoongi said, not knowing how else to react other than with awkward attempts at humor.“No matter what I lost in the arrangement, I got the best part of the trade,” Namjoon admitted.“What?”“I got to keep you.” Namjoon raised his glass to say cheers with Yoongi. Yoongi could barely look away from Namjoon’s face as they clinked glasses. He needed to know how much Namjoon meant that. Finally, he decided against asking. “Would have been nice to keep some of my pride too.” The joke was dry.Yoongi scoffed. ”She’s the one who lost out in the end.”“Oh?” Namjoon asked, amused at Yoongi’s determination.“Look what she’s missing out on. Have you met you?”“Once or twice.”“I’m serious. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re cute. You have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known. And your laugh is like the happiest sound I’ve ever heard.” Yoongi seemed determined to make his point, but Namjoon wondered if he was hearing himself. “Who gives that all up? She was lucky to have you and she was stupid to let you go. You deserved better.”“I’m sorry I brought this up,” Namjoon apologized suddenly, nervous over Yoongi’s words. “We can change the subject if you want.”“No, listen to me. You deserve a lot more than what you got there and I’m honestly sorry that you had to waste your time.” While Yoongi was missing this particular detail, Namjoon could tell how close their faces were. Every exhale out of Yoongi’s mouth tickled his face with hot air. Namjoon knew he should be pulling away but he didn’t. Yoongi’s eye contact was intimidating. “You deserve the kind of relationship where you could trust the other person. Where you know you have a solid place in their heart. Something easy and comfortable. And happy.”“Like us?” Namjoon blurted out before immediately regretting it. He was so relieved when Yoongi laughed him off.“Are you drunk? Where’d you get that from?” Yoongi joked before continuing, clearly worried that he’d forget his point if he paused for too long. The alcohol was seemingly hitting them both hard. “I just think you deserve something where you’re not constantly checking in because you’re afraid of what they’re hiding. Mi-Cha was crazy to think anyone else would ever measure up to you. Like I said, that girl never knew how good she had it... And that’s just tragic.”Yoongi seemed to finally register his words and the intensity of everything that he’d been saying. As if knowing exactly what was causing this outlandish behavior, he looked to the empty shot glasses in front of him in terror. Before Namjoon could come up with a decent answer for a regretful-looking Yoongi, Jin was standing beside their table, taking their available wrists, and lightly pulling them up out of their seats.Namjoon couldn’t help thinking to himself what a shame it was that Yoongi had gotten over him before Namjoon had ever figured out he was possibly interested in the first place. Then he realized that was an incredibly offhand thought to have. Willing himself to forget about it, he enthusiastically joined the others as they dragged him further into the dance floor.As Yoongi finished a good shift of twenty minutes on the dance floor dancing with Jin and the others, he couldn’t help just how bloated he felt after all the food and alcohol he’d consumed. Not feeling very sexy with such a full stomach, his plan to charm Jimin into calming down over today’s incident was already off to a rough start. Still, Yoongi lightly put his hands on Jimin’s shoulders from behind, dragging them slowly down his biceps, the faint grip to his hand meant to be suggestive as his fingertips could outline Jimin’s muscles through the thin silk shirt he was wearing. The dancer was getting stronger every day under these new trainers. They had to be working him very hard.Jimin didn’t pull away and didn’t turn around, so Yoongi could only assume he was receptive to the gesture. That made Yoongi smile a bit. Jimin was going to hear him out. This was great news. He leaned in until his lips were at Jimin’s ear.“Follow me?” he said, only loud enough for Jimin to hear. Jimin nodded.When they found a column to hide behind and talk, Yoongi really didn’t even know where to begin. “I’m willing to pretend today didn’t happen if you are,” he proposed.“And if I don’t want to forget?” Jimin prompted hesitantly.“Then let’s at least talk it out.”“What if there’s nothing to say?”“Jimin, come on.” Yoongi was frustrated but he tried to calm himself down, knowing that getting flustered would get them nowhere. He looked for another angle. “Winner’s choice,” Yoongi reminded him. “You said you might grant my wish if you found it interesting enough.”“It’ll have to be pretty impressive,” Jimin mumbled grumpily, playing with the buttons on the sleeve of his shirt. He couldn’t get them to cooperate. Yoongi approached him carefully and slowly fastened the sleeve for Jimin, his eyes fixed on Jimin’s. Running a hand slowly up Jimin’s forearm, Yoongi could tell in the younger man’s longing gaze that Jimin still wanted to be with him.Yoongi knew he wasn’t wrong about this. He was clearly wrong about a lot of things, but not this. He and Jimin were finally getting somewhere and a rumor about a stranger was not getting between them. Taking another look at Jimin, he could see new thoughts rushing into his head. Yoongi saw a look on Jimin’s face that so rarely crossed his features. He seemed unreasonably angry, furious even.It was then that Yoongi could smell the alcohol on Jimin.“How much have you had to drink?” Yoongi asked, concerned.“You’re not my babysitter,” Jimin suddenly snipped back.Jimin was an angry drunk. Yoongi knew this about him, but Jimin so rarely ever aimed that anger at him so the rapper was getting caught completely off guard. Jimin yanked his arms away.“Actually, I don’t want to hear it,” Jimin decided suddenly. “It’s not worth it.”“What isn’t?”“All of this.” Yoongi couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It was like Jimin had turned into a completely different person, consumed by what Yoongi could only interpret at jealousy. Jimin’s next words confirmed that. “Why don’t you go call the new girl?”“I’m here with you, Jimin. I’m where I want to be,” he said, trying to get him to calm down. There seemed to be something else going on as he could practically witness Jimin’s emotions raging war on his mood. He couldn’t read Jimin’s mind, but something was definitely scaring him into this behavior. “Please calm down, baby,” he pleaded.“Don’t call me that. It’s over, Yoongi. I don’t want to play this game with you.”“What game?” Yoongi begged for an answer, for some kind of explanation.“Where I tell you I love you just so you can change your mind later,” Jimin said, clearly not aware of what he’d just revealed. Yoongi tried not to react as Jimin finished, but his heart sank because he didn’t know whether to be happy to hear this revelation or be devastated that Jimin was turning him down.Clearly recovering from his own emotion, Jimin turned his head up and met Yoongi’s eyes. Yoongi could see the fear in his gaze. He must have finally registered the secret he’d blurted out. “Jimin, it’s oka-” He was too late. Jimin was mortified. “Let’s just talk this out.”“No. Even if we did get together, would it be worth it? You're not exactly great at commitment, Yoongi. How long would we last? How long would I get to keep you?” he snapped back before rushing to get away from him. Yoongi couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his stomach as he realized what Jimin was really saying. He didn’t think that Yoongi could be loyal to him. He had no faith that Yoongi could be any better than a cheater like Mi-Cha. He couldn’t even begin to think what he’d done to make Jimin believe he was so reckless.Yoongi wished he knew what he’d done to cause Jimin’s outburst, but he was left heartbroken over the ill-fated, short-lived joy of hearing Jimin say that he loved him. Sure, the younger man may have admitted to caring for him but it also seemed he thought Yoongi was too much of an unfaithful slut to be in a relationship with. A really dark voice in Yoongi’s head pointed out maybe that’s what Hobi thought too back when he’d lied to him.
What about him was so repulsive?
Yoongi didn’t even realize his eyes were welling up until Jin stuck out his arms to stop Yoongi from passing. The older man inspected his face as if looking for the damage that had been done. Yoongi was just surprised he was showing any signs of grief at all. It seemed like maybe crying earlier in the day made him more susceptible to crying again. He hadn’t even felt the tears building up in his eyes until he saw the intense stare that Jin gave him before pulling him into a tight hug. “I know we told you not to take a nap last time we went out for drinks, but maybe we need some rest today. What do you say?” Jin asked, clearly looking for Yoongi to agree to sneak away with him. Yoongi just nodded, burying his face in Jin’s chest to hide the tears that started streaming down his face. Jin took his hand firmly in his as he guided Yoongi through the growing crowd in the bar. They were getting so packed that it felt like they’d never find cover.His panic began to build as he wondered whether he was about to have a breakdown in a public space. Jin looked equally as concerned for him as he pulled Yoongi closer until his face was buried in his chest again as they walked carefully through the halls, trying to avoid witnesses. As Jin momentarily released Yoongi to aggressively pull open a set of dual doors, which led them onto what seemed to be a large balcony overlooking the quiet retail zone the bar resided in. They were high enough to remain unseen by the people below,  idly going about their own days. Just far enough below them that they wouldn’t be seen especially through the bars of the balcony were shoppers going about their days, wandering from store to store and not knowing there was an exclusive bar housing all of their favorite idols under one roof.Closing the doors behind them as Yoongi stepped in, Jin took off his jacket and draped it over Yoongi’s shoulders, who only then realized the chill raising goosebumps on his arms. Yoongi didn’t even have the time to recognize that he felt chilly before Jin had compensated for the cold with this gesture. Looking to Jin’s sweater and comparing his own short sleeve attire, Yoongi supposed he did need the jacket more than Jin at the moment. His eyes, bright with tears and now a spark of appreciation, flickered to his hyung as he joined him in sitting on the floor. Jin sat on the floor of the balcony and Yoongi joined him.“What are we doing?” Yoongi asked, unsure of what the plan was now. He wiped at his tears, a bit ashamed.“We’re taking a nap.”“On the balcony floor?”“No, you get my shoulder. I’ll lean on the doors,” Jin explained as if he had it all figured out.“Your shoulder?” Yoongi asked, confused as to what Jin was going on about.“Hey, last time you were drunk, you thought my shoulder was prime neck pillow real estate. I’m sure I have a bruise in the shape of your skull to prove it. If you promise to try and kill my circulation a little less, I’ll let you take my shoulder rent free.”Yoongi couldn’t help himself. He laughed, forgetting his grief for a second as Jin’s “prep” gestures amused him. Jin dusted off his shoulder, pretended to move the muscle of his arm around as if fluffing a pillow, and then gestured for Yoongi to lean his head over.“If someone sees us, they’ll think this is weird.”“Yeah, well, that was true last time too. It’s too late to care.”“And if we do get caught?”“I’ll tell them the truth: My helpless young dongsaeng needed a pillow, what was I to do?”“I am only three months younger than you,” Yoongi reminded him.“Exactly. Enjoy your youth while you have it,” Jin instructed, patting Yoongi’s head as if to instruct him to also shut up. “Go. To. Sleep.”“Why am I sleeping again?” Yoongi asked curiously.“Aren’t you the one who always says you can sleep most of your problems away?” Jin asked.“I’m not exactly a good source for life advice.”“Shhhh,” Jin instructed impatiently. Yoongi suddenly realized why they were here. Jin wanted an excuse to rest because he’d gotten tired and he’d picked up Yoongi just to help him find a place to hide. At the very least, that made the most sense.Some situations were so embarrassing that all you could do was pretend to be asleep until they were over. Yoongi discovered this when he found himself perfectly curled up with his head on Jin’s lap as Jin’s fingers tangled lightly in his hair as if he’d been comforting him in his sleep. Yoongi could only assume Jin was doing so while asleep, since the older man was so rarely this affectionate. Now here Yoongi was, trapped with his head on Jin’s lap in entirely too intimate a position for their usual set of boundaries. Hoping Jin would wake up and move his hand soon so that Yoongi could get up, Yoongi shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep for as long as he could bear it.Then the floor got too cold to stay on for a single second. Jabbing at Jin’s arm where he could reach, Yoongi gently woke up his hyung. “Jin?”Jin was slow to catch up on the situation as he yawned and smacked his lips, his eyes still closed as his hand scrunched his hair affectionately one more time, as if the gesture was unconscious. “What?” he yawned out.“Your hand.”“My hand?”It was like Jin had been touched with a hot branding tool. He pulled his hand out of Yoongi’s hair so fast that Yoongi felt lucky he didn’t lose any hair in the process. “What are you doing there?!” Jin demanded as Yoongi immediately lifted his head off Jin’s lap.“I think we actually fell asleep.”“I said you could sleep on my shoulder !” Jin noted, clearly mortified.“I wasn’t there on purpose. Your boney-legged lap isn’t exactly prime real estate,” Yoongi snipped back. “How long have we been out?” He needed the subject to change now.Jin checked his phone. “About an hour. Think they’re looking for us yet?”“Don’t care,” Yoongi muttered to himself, still bitter over his exchange with Jimin.Jin looked taxed just having to follow up on Yoongi’s previous tearful mood, clearly knowing he wouldn’t know how to handle an emotionally charged situation. Namjoon was much better at that kind of thing. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” he offered. Yoongi shook his head. Jin was clearly doing his best not to look too relieved. “Do you want to get more shots instead?” Yoongi smiled and nodded. Jin smiled back. “Great.”As they returned to the band’s assigned table and ordered a varied assortment of shots, Yoongi was happy to get a chance to drink with Jin. They had the highest tolerances in the entire band and they were both the best behaved drunks.Already engaging in one of Jin’s drinking games, Yoongi chugged a short glass of beer as quickly as he could to determine how many shots they’d have to dare themselves to take. Yoongi finished in 7 seconds. Jin did the same and finished in 6. So they each had to take 4 shots.Yoongi was so lucky he’d completely sobered up from the last set of drinks. Tonight was going to be a mess, but he was excited as he downed the four shots at Jin’s quick pace.“This whole thing with Naeun-” Jin started abruptly once he finished his last shot, “if I thought the others would act like that, I wouldn’t have said anything. I mean, I know they were like that with Sooyeon, I just thought-” Jin cut himself off, clearly looking to Yoongi as if waiting for a timebomb to go off.“It’s fine. We can talk about her.”Jin nodded and was silent for a moment. “I just thought they’d be different, is all I’m saying. I’m sorry for what happened.” Yoongi nodded, accepting the apology but not wanting to linger on events passed. Not with everything that was on his mind after his talks with Hobi and Jimin today.Yoongi just shrugged it off.“You’ve got a problem though,” Jin continued in a grave tone.“A problem?”“Your visual obsession.” Yoongi laughed when he caught Jin’s teasing smile. “Between Naeun, Hani, Heechul-” Yoongi snorted, knowing that Jin was just adding Heechul’s name to bulk up the list to prove his point. The man was good-looking but he was not his band’s visual.Poor Heechul. Like Yoongi, he was surrounded by distracting, troublesome visuals with intimidating stares.Jin continued. “You’ve got a problem and as your friend, I think we need to address it.”“I can stop whenever I feel like it,” Yoongi said jokingly using a common addict’s saying.“You’re out of control. First, you kiss me. Then, you pinch my ass. Now, you’re sleeping on my la-” Yoongi choked on his beer before spitting out the contents in his mouth. Jin collapsed into laughter, shocked that Yoongi had really just done a spit take. “Dude, how much have you had to drink already?”Yoongi shook his head, trying to get Jin’s attention as his hyung immediately focused on cleaning up the table before the staff saw the mess they made.“When did I kiss you?!” Yoongi asked almost too loud, slightly worried that this had something to do with karaoke night. Jin looked around to see if anyone heard before quietly answering.“2012, Yoongi,” Jin reminded him. Trainee years.Yoongi took a full minute to remember, just as Jin finished cleaning up and a staff member came by to pick up the used napkins and wipe down the table.“Oh shit, you’re right,” Yoongi sighed out.“I’m upset it was so forgettable for you,” Jin joked. “I was effectively traumatized, myself. At the very least, you were luckily a decent kisser.” Jin looked a little like he wanted to disregard that last comment. His expression twisted into a look of deep regret. He doubled down anyway. “I can’t believe you don’t remember.” The details were slowly coming back to Yoongi.“Now I remember,” Yoongi said, making Jin beam with glee. “You were a messy kisser.” Jin’s smile faded.“Don’t lie. I rocked your world.” Yoongi smiled, realizing that because of Jin’s humorous nature, he had been distracted for a few minutes from today’s mortifying circumstances. He’d cried twice today, once at work, once at a bar full of their peers. His best friend lied about his dating rules to keep him from confessing his feelings about six years ago. His most recent interest just dumped him by basically accusing him of being a distracted cheater. And finally, the band’s maknae, whom he only ever saw with a fresh shot glass in hand ever since they arrived at the bar, had replaced him with his best friend because all of his grieving and crying had scared him away.Jin was a saint for getting his thoughts out of that black hole. “Don’t tell me you think back to that kiss, Jin,” Yoongi teased. Jin looked away awkwardly. Yoongi continued teasing anyway. “I completely forgot about it, to be honest. I’m surprised you remember. It’s been six years.”“I rocked your world,” Jin repeated through a deep pout. It was as if the gesture existed only to make Yoongi take pity on him. It worked.“You rocked my world,” Yoongi repeated reluctantly in mock agreement. Jin’s eyes immediately lit back up.“I knew it.” Yoongi smiled to himself before suddenly sliding a hand over to Jin’s shoulder. “What are you doing?” Jin asked, clearly looking for lint on his sweater to see if that’s what Yoongi was concerned about.Yoongi’s hand massaged Jin’s bicep in a flirty gesture. “Wow, Jin, you know...I never realized how attractive-”“Okay, okay,” Jin said, knowing where this was going. Yoongi was going to make him eat crow and he was going to deserve it. “I take it back. I was forgettable. You hated it. We get it.”“Your eyes are just shining in the lights,” Yoongi continued his taunts. “I could just-” While he moved as though to touch Jin, instead his fingers gave sharp jabs into Jin’s sides as the older man folded into himself over the brief waves of pain.“Ow! You win, you win,” Jin insisted as he tried to stop Yoongi. Jin put his hands around Yoongi’s arms to pin them so his hands would stop jabbing him. Their embrace was a bit tight, just enough that Hobi’s confused stare as he approached was mostly valid. Yoongi would think this was weird out of context too. Hobi cleared his throat, getting Jin’s attention. “This isn’t what it looks like.” Jin immediately let Yoongi go. Yoongi laughed at Jin’s expression. He found the light blush on the man’s cheeks endearing.Yoongi didn’t turn to Hobi for as long as he could resist. Only turning when he realized Jin was facing him too, Yoongi realized Hobi had been waiting to get his attention.“Can we talk?” he asked.“I’m busy,” Yoongi insisted, sipping on a full shot glass as if just to busy his mouth.“Jin can wait for you to come back,” Hobi said, his tone clearly bitter. “Let’s go.”Watching them disappear around the corner, Jin waved to a fearful Yoongi before he got lost in thoughts about the past.
Yoongi took too much interest in Jin. Jin couldn’t stop thinking about just how much time the second biggest trainee star of Big Hit invested in telling him off for his out-of-character behavior. These attempted gestures of friendship, the lectures about how Jin was better than the bully persona he was putting on to survive, the disappointed looks on Yoongi’s face when Jin failed him, they all haunted Jin in a way he couldn’t quite explain.

Then came the short era of time where Yoongi decided the only way to deal with Jin was to bully him back. Everyone, everyone knew how badly Jin was looking to make progress with Cho Sojin, a fellow trainee at Big Hit who was as elusive as she was gorgeous. Only ever running into her at parties, Jin knew exactly the tricks he had up his sleeves to impress her.

Setting up a fun drinking game, he taught the male and female trainees how to play. He was doing a bad job of explaining but everyone knew the real objective of the game - everyone just wanted to get a kiss with the girl or guy that they wanted to spend the night with later.

All Jin had to do was spin the top in his hand and bounce it into Sojin’s cup and then he would be kissing the girl of his dreams.

Yoongi had arrived to the party late with his own ragtag team of the elite, favored Big Hit trainees. Jin ignored him as he entered the room. Waiting his turn, Jin didn’t hear as Yoongi was walked through a mediocre version of the rules of the game. He missed Yoongi’s glance at him and then at Sojin. He missed the mischievous grin on Yoongi’s face that easily would have made Jin aware that Yoongi was about to try and sabotage him.

So concentrated on figuring out a strategy to make sure he got Sojin’s cup, he ignored all the signs that Min Yoongi was swinging in to make his life difficult as always.

Yoongi wasn’t supposed to sit at the circle. Men were supposed to wait in a line on this turn. Only women were supposed to sit at the circle, so that their cups were at risk of catching a top, meaning they’d be the ones to kiss the shooter. Then the two teams would switch roles. Yoongi was meant to wait his turn to spin the top himself.

Unknowingly taking a seat at the circle, Yoongi sat down just in time for the top that Jin spun to land in his spot before the others could warn Yoongi to move.

“Did I win?” the rapper asked, unsure of what this meant for him as he picked up the top, clearly believing that he was about to win a kiss with a girl. The blood had drained from Jin’s face. He was a pale white as the other trainees began grabbing him and holding him ready for the mandatory kiss he had coming his way.

Doing his best to be brave, it didn’t help that Yoongi looked equally unhappy with the circumstances. In fact, Yoongi looked disgusted and nervous, only serving to make Jin even more tense about this.

He couldn’t believe all of his friends were going to see him kiss a man. He couldn’t believe Sojin was about to see him kiss a man. Was this going to count against him somehow? Would they judge him later?

There were already so many reasons this crowd of trainees found to excuse the grief they caused Jin. He couldn’t imagine how much worse things would get if they started to accuse him of being gay again. After being casted off the street for being a “pretty boy”, the accusations about his sexuality had started almost immediately.

His obvious crush on Sojin had saved him from that constant harassment once the other trainees began to believe that maybe Jin really was interested in women. If he kissed Yoongi, he wasn’t sure even a kiss from Sojin on his next try would be enough to save his reputation. He was going to be the recipient of even more ridicule now and it was all because this fool Min Yoongi didn’t know how to listen to the rules of the game.

“I hate you,” he mumbled at Yoongi before they kissed. Yoongi’s eye roll made it clear the feeling was mutual. It crossed Jin’s mind just before their lips met that he was kissing the same Min Yoongi that lingered on his mind when he was feeling too conflicted about his attitude with fellow trainees. Ever since he’d decided to act ‘tougher’, he found himself feeling guilty every night for the kind of behavior he’d engage in and the company he’d keep. Suddenly it was Yoongi’s voice that would echo in his head telling him he was ‘better than this’ and ‘probably a good person somewhere in there’. This was the same Min Yoongi who seemed to refuse to give up on him even he did hate him for all of his rude antics.

It was the same man that honestly lingered on his mind too often for comfort.

Their heads being guided by Jin and Yoongi’s cruel friends who were enjoying this joke far too much, the kiss was longer than Jin would have accepted, lasting a few seconds.

Just long enough for Jin to really register that Yoongi’s lips were on his and they were….soft.  Warm. Fine. There was no discomfort or disgust arising from him like he thought there would be, just a desire to move and accommodate the kiss when it wasn’t possible with the many hands grabbing at their heads to keep them in place.

The kiss could have lasted longer and Jin wasn’t sure he would have grown any less comfortable.

As soon as his friends released him, Jin’s lips moved away mainly so he could gasp for air, not realizing he’d been holding his breath the entire time. As everyone stared at him awaiting his reaction, Jin knew exactly what they were expecting. And he had to deliver. They wanted to see a man embarrassed and disgusted, not someone who had just had a discovery of any kind. Jin had to cater to their expectations or expect ridicule.

“Oh gross,” Jin forced the complaint out of his lips, knowing it’s what he was meant to do. He wasn’t supposed to be kissing another man. He wasn’t gay. So if he wanted the others to be oblivious to his discovery, then he needed to act as displeased as possible. “Dear god.”

“Ew,” Yoongi agreed, though his refusal was much calmer. Then Yoongi just rolled his eyes at Jin’s dramatics as the man wiped his lips on his sweater sleeve. “Dear god, can’t you all just play normal games. What the hell?”

Something about Yoongi’s curiosity with Jin dimmed gradually from that day on, like the kiss had given him an answer. Like the kiss had made him bored with Jin.

But the kiss had given Jin millions of new questions. He was suffering the longer he thought about the incident, wishing Yoongi would push back into his life again so that Jin could get some answers. Met only with Yoongi’s sudden and unexpected disinterest, Jin was left with the memory of a kiss that had really messed with his mind.
After spending months being ridiculed and bullied for the first time in his life over accusations that he liked men, Jin didn’t hate a forced kiss with a man who had suddenly lost interest in him when he was very much still occupying Jin’s mind the way he always did.
Jin knew what that had to mean. Yoongi didn’t feel anything interesting occur in that kiss. He must not have been left with the questions that Jin had been left with. Worst of all, he didn’t have the investment in Jin that he used to anymore. Jin had bored him, or maybe Yoongi had finally given up on seeing Jin change.

Fed up with his own self-aimed disappointment, he was determined to prove Yoongi wrong for giving up on him. He could still change. He could be better. He would find out who he was and he’d be the good person that Yoongi swore he saw in there.

Determined to make this change, Jin just wished the kiss and the questions of his sexuality would stop distracting him. Thoughts like that kept him up at night, but they also pushed him to work harder. The incident left him insecure of who he was and what he wanted, but he was determined to figure it all out if it meant he’d finally start being proud of himself again rather than ashamed.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Yoongi didn’t know what he did to bother Hobi but clearly his horsing around with Jin had something to do with it. There was no way Hobi was jealous of his interaction with Jin, was there? Hobi rarely took out his jealousy out on their bandmates.Then again, Hobi rarely was in such a bad spot with Yoongi that Yoongi refused to look him in the eyes. Still resisting, Yoongi looked around the bar as they walked and followed Hobi based only on his movements in Yoongi’s peripherals.As Hobi brought him to sit at a private table, he gestured for Yoongi to sit next to him instead of right in front of him. Turning to see slightly escalated view of the dance floor that this gave them, Yoongi pretended not to see Jimin in the crowd.“What did you want?” Yoongi asked, trying to get to the point. Hobi put a hand on Yoongi’s knee as he always did under the table when he wanted to comfort Yoongi.Yoongi preferred not to be touched now that he was mad at Hobi, but he began to wonder if the affection just came so naturally to Hobi to try and give him comfort in whatever way he could. Sitting in that silence, Hobi’s hand held to Yoongi’s knee but was otherwise free to roam.As Hobi’s hand slid just a little higher up his thigh, Yoongi couldn’t help wondering if this was going where he thought it was going. Another one of Hobi’s teases. When he started to hesitate, Hoseok distracted him with words. “Your muscles are tight. From dancing, right?” Yoongi nodded. Hoseok looked back to the dance floor as if he was too entertained to be doing anything else. “You worked so hard today.”The offhand compliment only stunned Yoongi for a second as Hobi’s hand slid up his thigh just slow enough that Yoongi had to admit he was more curious than he was uncomfortable. Looking to Hoseok’s face for answers was getting him nowhere, but Hobi’s true focus was shifting even if his shining eyes were fixed on the dancers.His other hand found its place on Yoongi’s waist. Looking around, Yoongi realized there was no one at the right angle to really see where Hobi’s hands were. Less worried, he sighed only for his breath to become shaky as Hobi’s hand began massaging his thigh gently.“So tense,” the dancer mumbled. Yoongi suddenly realized how close Hobi’s lips were to his ear as the man’s whisper was still loud enough for Yoongi to fear over the nearby speakers blasting music. “Your muscles are so tight.”Yoongi kept his mouth shut, knowing exactly what Hobi was doing but also knowing he wasn’t strong enough to make it stop. He wanted this. He wanted this so badly. He leaned back until his back was flush against Hobi’s chest, only encouraging the dancer’s hand to move up further. His hand was officially too far up for it to be safe. Neither of them could claim this was a friendly touch and no one would believe it was an accident.Hobi didn’t seem phased by the risk. He started to speak in whispers into Yoongi’s ear basically purring at him. “Give me a chance, baby?” he asked carefully. “Give me a chance to make it up to you.” Yoongi wanted to shake his head but instead he just kept his eyes fixed on the crowded dance floor. He tried in vain to stop getting so affected by everything Hoseok was doing to him. The dancer wasn’t discouraged at all as he kept his lips just close enough to his neck that when he wasn’t whispering, they were just barely grazing his skin ‘by accident’.Yoongi wanted nothing more than for Hoseok to fix this entire day by kissing him and making it better. His friend was beginning to get even closer, if that was even still remotely possible. Hidden from view unless one of the dancers happened to look upwards, Yoongi couldn’t help but enjoy the edge of being able to get caught. At worst, maybe someone would mistake this as a back hug if Hobi hid his hands well enough.Speaking of, Hobi’s hand reached a spot just an inch away from a point of no return and Yoongi was pretty sure the world disappeared before his eyes. He could focus on nothing else as Hobi’s hand manipulated the muscle there. Yoongi was too drunk and too turned on to care anymore about being mad. Hobi just had to finally give him what he wanted. Yoongi would forgive him if he could see Hobi demonstrate just how desperate he really was to get his forgiveness. The older man wanted to know what it was that the dancer was willing to do for him.In a surprise move, Hobi kissed Yoongi’s neck. It was a wet, open-mouthed kiss that he could feel turn into a slight graze of Hobi’s teeth against his skin. Yoongi’s breath caught as he waited to see what Hobi would do next. It was the first time a kiss between them was so intense. Hobi’s lips stayed there for barely a moment when he pulled away to speak.“And here I was actually starting to worry about that girl,” Hobi teased distractedly as he leaned in to kiss him again and escalate the moment. Yoongi recoiled like he’d been burned.Staring at a startled Hobi with wide eyes, things finally clicked for Yoongi. This little act of seeking forgiveness that Hobi was putting on all chalked up to jealousy. Of course it did. He couldn’t have expected anything else. This was about Naeun threatening Hoseok’s hold on Yoongi’s attention, not about how guilty Hoseok felt for hurting Yoongi’s feelings.“You really don’t give a shit, do you?” Yoongi snapped finally, uncomfortable and shaky. A bit dizzy from the emotional whiplash, Yoongi was overwhelmed as he had just been enjoying their first kiss only to realize it was just all a part of the shameful lie between them. Hobi didn’t even seem to care about how he made Yoongi feel. He didn’t care about lying to Yoongi. He just realized that there was a threat in the picture, that somebody else might have caught Yoongi’s attention. All Hobi clearly wanted was to win it back. He was so lucky the music was drowning him out because Yoongi was being less than quiet in his rant.“Just admit it. You don’t care how unhappy I am as long as I’m not happy with somebody else. That’s all I’m good for, isn’t it?”“Yoongi?” Hobi asked cautiously, trying to snap Yoongi out of it. He was clearly not used to Yoongi being so upfront.“I’m tired of it. I’m not a toy for you to play with whenever you’re lonely. You don’t own me, Hobi.”“I never-““Don’t play dumb. I know you too well. You know exactly what you’re doing to me.” Yoongi stood up and began looking for where he’d left his phone on the booth.“Please don’t leave,” Hobi said, his voice weak. Yoongi lingered for just a second, his thoughts rushing until they came to a conclusion.“We’re not talking about this anymore,” he decided. “Like always, tomorrow it’ll be like none of this ever happened, just how you like it.”“Baby,” Hobi called for him quietly. The nickname normally comforted Yoongi but today he felt disgusted instead.“Except that. That’s going to stop. You’re going to stop flirting with me. And you won’t touch me anymore. I mean it. I don’t want your hands on me anymore.” Yoongi had lost his temper and couldn’t seem to stop himself. “Are we understood?”Hobi was speechless. Yoongi never had outbursts like this. Besides, the two of them had never admitted to what they did when no one was looking. Those stolen touches were never referenced out loud before.After recovering from his surprise, Hobi suddenly looked ready to fight back. “This is just how we are,” he insisted.“Not anymore. It’s not a request, Hobi. I mean it. I want boundaries. Better yet, just stay away from me.” “You don’t mean that. Come on, Yoongi. You know I care about you.” Hobi stood up too, trying to approach Yoongi and close the short distance between them.“I can’t believe a word out of your mouth. I should have known you were lying.”“I’m sorry for lying about the trainee thing. Please just let me explain.”“It’s not about the trainees,” Yoongi said, exasperated and worried that he was losing his grip on his emotions the longer they spoke. “It’s just all been a huge lie with you.”“What?”“You never loved me,” Yoongi said, frustrated as he felt the tears coming on. “And I believed you when you said you did because I’m an idiot.”“What are you talking about?”“The night you signed your contract, you kissed me and told me that you loved me. I knew you were drunk but I didn’t realize you were making it all up. The truth is you don’t give a shit about me or how I feel and we both know it. I’m just a fucking game for you. How am I ever supposed to trust you again?”Hobi was stunned silent. He didn’t have any words for Yoongi that would make this better. Yoongi finally saw his phone and picked it up.“I meant what I said, Hoseok. Things are changing. I’m going to need you to keep your hands off me.” He held his chin up when Hobi tried to stare him down, looking ready to argue. “And stay out of my personal life.”With that, he left knowing he wouldn’t be changing his mind in the morning.As Yoongi pulled himself together in the bathroom mirror and willed himself to end this public breakdown, he tried to put on a brave face so he could close out the night with the band and hold up the illusion that everything was fine. Before he could walk more than a few feet out the bathroom door, he was being pulled to the side gently by his wrists.It was Tae, looking more determined than Yoongi had ever seen him. “We need to talk.” Yoongi couldn’t help noticing that Tae wasn’t asking anymore - he was demanding this time. Yoongi immediately answered, his tone serious. "Tae, I really don't know if there’s ever been a worse time for this.""I don't care," Tae said forcefully as he started dragging Yoongi towards the bathroom. Yoongi resisted for the first minute before finally following Taehyung willingly, mainly for the chance to tell the younger man off for being so rude. At the very least, it would be good to get some more anger out.Once they were inside, Tae didn’t even seem to know where to begin.“Well?" Yoongi demanded, knowing Tae had to have a good reason to be forceful with him. Whether he was tipsy, drunk, or sober, Tae had been rather rude about getting his attention. Tae just stood there, suddenly quiet and nervous. Eventually, Yoongi got impatient and rolled his eyes before turning to leave.Surprisingly, Tae called after him. "I was wrong," he confessed. Yoongi turned back, still looking disinterested. Tae didn't even seem to know what to say next. Finally, he speaks just to interrupt the tense silence. "I just wanted you to know that.""What do you mean?" Yoongi asked, expecting Tae to really spell it out."Everything I said about you not caring, about us not being family, how you're not good for me, I was wrong. God, Yoongi, I was so, so wrong,” Tae said, looking exasperated with himself. He paused for a second. “I just don't know what I was thinking.""You seemed pretty clear that day," Yoongi asserted stubbornly."I was being an idiot, Yoongi. I don't even know where to begin-" Yoongi wasn’t having it."You've done everything to keep me away from you ever since. Don't lie to me just because you don't want me to be mad at you," Yoongi said finally, convinced that Tae must have just been feeling the heat of Yoongi’s anger."I didn't know what else to do! I just-” Tae kept cutting himself off, becoming painfully aware of his lack of sobriety. Yoongi could only tell he was struggling because of how frustrated he looked with himself. “I know I hurt you and you didn't deserve the things I said,"At this rate, Yoongi wanted to disappear because he was doing a terrible job of not getting emotional. Lucky for his pride, it was almost like he couldn't cry anymore. Instead, he just got more and more aggressive. "Do you even understand what you did? You told me that nothing would change in our lives if we stopped being friends.""I know-" "You told me I was bad for your health," he snapped. Tae tried to interject but Yoongi snapped again. "You didn't even want to sit next to me. And what was that song you chose all about? You treated me like a monster , Tae." Tae just started tearing up. Yoongi didn't know what else to do but continue. "Maybe I was a shitty hyung, Tae, but you told me I was never a good friend to you. You don't say that kind of thing if you don't mean it."Tae just shook his head and tried to collect himself. "I regretted that every day, Yoongi. You were a great hyung to me and I never should have said any of that." Yoongi was left speechless so Tae kept talking anyway. "I don't know why I was so mad. I just felt like you were pulling away like you used to and I couldn't stop feeling afraid that I'd lose you again."Yoongi knew exactly what period of time he was talking about. Once he caught feelings for Tae, there was a long stretch of months where he practically refused to be left alone with him and didn't even talk to him. He could tell it was hurting Tae but it was the only way to save their friendship. Yoongi thought he was doing the right thing. Then he’d met Sooyeon and suddenly thoughts about Tae faded enough to become bearable. It never occurred to him that the memory of those days would haunt Tae.Tae continued. "I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since."Yoongi was losing out in his argument against trying to move on with Tae. It was clear the younger man meant what he said, but Yoongi knew the hurt he felt had to count for something. It wasn’t going to be so easy to get him to forget what Tae had done. He’d thrown their friendship away carelessly. "You said things would be better if we were out of each others' lives,” he said finally, hurt that he even had to repeat the worst thing Tae had said to him."Yoongi, all I've done is think about what I was losing by pushing you away. It's always on my mind. You were always there for me when I needed you, even when you weren’t around much. I still don't know what I'd do without you. And I just - I really need you to forgive me. I'll do anything."Yoongi suddenly fell quiet. Tae went up and took his hand, a gesture Yoongi knew was suggestive of their little inside joke. It was their thing. Yoongi just stared down at their hands, not knowing what to say.His final answer was honest. "I don't know.”"Losing you was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I don't think you understand how much you mean to me.""Then why'd you do it, Tae?" he asked immediately.Suddenly, Yoongi could tell Tae was making a decision about whether or not to be honest. He could tell because he saw that look on the boys' faces all the time. He was so used to it that he was bracing himself not to get disappointed when Tae eventually lied.It really surprised him when it looked like Tae was braving up to say the more difficult thing.“Because I'm scared.”Yoongi was confused, but the look in Tae's eyes changed. The gaze was suddenly more intense, determined. “Just trust me.”Tired of being lied to, Yoongi couldn’t help his answer as he sighed out in disappointment. “Tae, I am...I am just so tired of people keeping secrets from me. If you don’t trust me, then fine. Don’t tell me, but I can’t-“ Tae just came closer without warning and Yoongi stopped himself. The younger man’s stare was so intent. He didn’t know what Tae was doing.In the fraction of a second before Tae moves again, Yoongi could smell the alcohol on his breath. Before he could react, Tae leaned in and made their lips meet in a move that caught Yoongi off-guard.Except the kiss lasted less than a moment. It was more like their lips brushed and they parted before Yoongi could even understand what was happening before they’re both pulling away immediately on instinct because the bathroom door slams open.Suddenly, a very unstable Jungkook ran in, racing to the nearest stall before starting to throw up in its respective toilet.As Jungkook groaned, sitting on the cleanest part of the otherwise ruined bathroom floor, Yoongi couldn’t help feeling like this was partly his fault as he called for their driver to bring the car around to the back door of the bar. He had seen Jungkook overdoing it at the bar and acting unstable throughout the night. Yoongi knew it had everything to do with the commands he’d given him on the drive over. Jungkook hadn’t taken the news very well at all.But Yoongi figured he had to let Jungkook cope in his own way. The maknae was supposedly old enough not to make foolish choices in the name of grief.Clearly, he was mistaken.When Yoongi decided he’d be taking Jungkook home, Tae offered to come with him. As much as Yoongi knew he would need the help carrying Jungkook, he wasn’t sure he was ready to face a conversation about their kiss. Not right now.Maybe not ever.So he politely declined, knowing that Tae had to stay behind anyway to distract the other band members and make excuses for Jungkook and himself for leaving early. They would have to cover for Jungkook unless they wanted to see him face Namjoon’s unforgiving wrath over this mistake.After all, by the time Jungkook finished throwing up in the bathroom, Yoongi and Tae were beyond worried about him making it through the night. Yoongi knew that Jungkook would really only fight Tae all night because Jungkook tended to get very combative while drunk. At the moment, Yoongi was the only one whose questions he agreed to answer.So instead, Yoongi begged Tae to just distract the others and tell them Jungkook and Yoongi went home early to sleep. Yoongi was left in charge of getting Jungkook home and making sure he lived to see the next day without hurting himself.The car ride was surprisingly quiet. Without his permission, Jungkook made himself comfortable with his head on Yoongi’s lap. Yoongi felt uncomfortable about it, but he caved in when he saw how much calmer Jungkook slept when Yoongi gently rubbed his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Yoongi comforted him that way during the entire ride. “Thank you hyung," Jungkook said suddenly, sounding disoriented but still completely awake. Yoongi realized then that while he hadn’t seen his face the whole time, Jungkook had probably not been sleeping.Yoongi was still blushing when they got home but quickly hid it as he struggled to carry Jungkook into his personal bathroom. Gracelessly sticking him in the bathtub fully clothed, Yoongi regretted the circumstances but knew that Jungkook was in the kind of state where a wake up call was necessary. Yoongi turned on the shower and watched Jungkook jolt awake, the sensation of warm water seeping through his clothes.It definitely helped wake him up. “What the hell?!” he cried out.While Yoongi felt bad about it, he had to accept Jungkook’s disdain knowing that he’d done it for his own sake."Jungkook, do you think you’ll be able to dry off and change by yourself?” Yoongi asked. Though his eyes were shut as he hugged himself, Jungkook nodded. Yoongi didn’t fully believe him but he didn’t have the time to doubt him.“Try and wash your face. Maybe brush your teeth. You’ll be happier later if you do.” Yoongi stepped away slowly. “I'll be outside, but I’m leaving the door open just in case." Jungkook nodded hesitantly, clearly displeased with his marginally increased state of awareness.With a few loud bangs and what sounded like slight falls against the nearest wall coming from the bathroom door, Yoongi tried not to get too nervous about hearing Jungkook clumsily try to get clean. Somehow, the maknae he got through it and came out looking better than he did before.In his new clothes, it almost looked like nothing happened. Except for the fact that Jungkook’s face was still pale and a little sweaty.Yoongi nodded in approval. "Good. Do you know how much trouble you'd be in if Namjoon saw you?” He prompted Jungkook, who was clearly too overwhelmed to answer. Jungkook needed sleep and supervision now. The worst part was over. “At least now you look like nothing happened." Yoongi couldn’t help his afterthought. "You are so lucky Tae is covering for you. Thank him in the morning." This made Jungkook groan. Suddenly, it occured to Yoongi that Jungkook might have seen his kiss with Tae.However, that theory was short-lived as Yoongi argued it had to be impossible. As far as he knew, Jungkook knew nothing about him and Tae or their fight. If he had seen them kiss, his drunken state would have been enough to make him shout his confusion to them until they gave him answers.Yoongi helped Jungkook into his bed before stepping away and sitting on the small couch on the nearest wall. He was planning to quietly hang out and make sure Jungkook slept alright.However, the maknae had other plans. Jungkook pulled the comforter open a little and then gestured 'come here' to Yoongi with his hands. Yoongi ignored him but Jungkook visibly pouted and just repeated the action more dramatically.Then came the croaks and whines of a man far too old to be so cute when he was frustrated.“We talked about this,” Yoongi answered stiffly.Offhandedly, Jungkook just looked around, a bit confused. “Um, hyung, I think I might be drunk.” Yoongi’s eyes widened, wondering just how bad Jungkook really must have been to be realizing this so late."You're wasted, Jungkook.""Exactly,” Jungkook insisted. “So don't make me sleep alone, please." Yoongi couldn’t help being upset. Seeing his reaction, Jungkook retreated a bit. "Sorry. Wait, I'm really sorry. I just - I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Yoongi swallowed back a reaction because he knew he’d get upset if he answered. “I’m going to miss you, hyung.” Yoongi could hear the sadness in his voice, with surprisingly no bitterness involved. As though Jungkook had actually accepted the way things had to be. That didn’t stop him from wanting more. "Just one last time? Please, hyung." Yoongi reluctantly agreed with a nod, feeling heartbroken over how sweet Jungkook was being.His back to Jungkook as he got under the covers, Jungkook wasted no time before pulling Yoongi very tightly against his chest to the point where Yoongi was a little uncomfortable. He was still very upset with Jungkook. Too upset to be doing this. Still very tipsy, Yoongi eventually realized how much he was also going to miss having Jungkook in his bed.Deciding to enjoy it while it lasted, he finally relaxed into it, which really surprised Jungkook. In a moment of weakness, Jungkook mimicked what Yoongi usually did to him where he’d bring his face close into Jungkook’s neck until he was breathing against his skin. Yoongi relaxed even further, leaning back further against Jungkook’s chest.Jungkook couldn’t stop himself. "I love you, Yoongi."Yoongi didn't think much into those words, just bitter that Jungkook was getting his way because the rapper didn’t have enough of a spine to refuse him. "I love you too, Kookie." He was honestly more nervous about how close Jungkook already was. The older man started thinking about the time Jungkook had kissed him on his neck before they were interrupted. As if he was thinking of the same moment, Jungkook seemed to be unable to stop himself. Just like the first time, he seemed practically compelled to make his move.Jungkook gently kissed Yoongi's neck in the same spot as before. Pulling away from the kiss just to adjust so that he could have better access to Yoongi’s skin, Jungkook’s grip on Yoongi became gentle and protective as he kissed his neck again. The kiss was longer this time.“Baby,” Yoongi sighed out loudly before trying to catch himself. This was too much. "What are you-" Jungkook pulls away and kisses him again, very close to his jaw. Yoongi forgot about his protest and just quieted down. He just let it all happen. Yoongi hated himself a little over how he wasn’t resisting Jungkook’s actions at all.As Jungkook lingered for a long time on one of the kisses, Yoongi remembered the last time they did this. He really trusted Jungkook back then, just like he’d trusted when Jungkook said that Yoongi's breakdown hadn't scared him away. Remembering the moment he discovered that Jungkook was replacing him with Hobi made Yoongi think back to the day he’d had with Hoseok.Then suddenly Jimin came to mind. He remembered Jimin telling him that he loved him before basically calling him a slut who couldn't stay interest in one person for long. Yoongi couldn’t help thinking about how his equal interest in Hobi and Jungkook lately proved that Jimin might have had a point.Let alone that kiss with Tae.Yoongi hated how much he was anticipating Jungkook's kiss. As much as it’d cost him his pride, he was willing to just let this all happen. However, just before Jungkook could reach his lips, Yoongi suddenly started crying. Jungkook stopped immediately just as the cries turned into sobs after a minute.The maknae released Yoongi from the hug as he could tell that the older man was recoiling from his touch. "What's wrong, hyung?"Yoongi couldn't explain or tell Jungkook about the other bandmates but he definitely had enough to face with Jungkook himself. Through his tears, Yoongi finally spoke up. "I came to you when I needed you and you replaced me like I was nothing to you but a warm body. I scared you away and you wanted to stop being with me and you just found someone else. And you couldn't even tell me to my face."The tearless sobs continued forcing their way out of Yoongi’s body. Jungkook didn't know what to say. Yoongi finally decided on a solution. He was going to stick to it this time. "I can't be around you right now. Go to Hobi when he comes back. Ask him if he can take my place. I don't want it anymore, I don't want this." Yoongi pulled away from Jungkook and stood up, putting distance between them before turning to leave.“Don’t leave like this, Yoongi,” Jungkook begged, unable to follow him out without significantly risking hurting himself in the process from how disoriented he was. “Just stay with me, I can help you feel better.” Yoongi shook his head. “You’ll only hurt me again.” Swallowing hard, the rapper sighed out in relief as he finally found his footing.“No, I won-”“You and I both know if I come to you for help today, you’ll just erase me and fill my spot by tomorrow. If I’m so replaceable to you, you’ll be fine without me.” Before Jungkook could protest that resentful statement, Yoongi was already gone. He’d left Jungkook there alone.Waking up, the world was still blurry to Jungkook’s eyes as he realized he was still far too drunk to be safe right now. While he couldn’t remember any details regarding the dream he just had, he could tell it had been a nightmare. He had chills running down his spine, goosebumps on his arms, and sweat on his forehead. All the classic signs of the night terrors he tended to get.Grateful that he couldn’t remember, he tried to convince himself to go back to sleep but the memory of his dream started to creep its way back into his thoughts. Remembering detail by detail, the chilling story of this terrible nightmare had him almost reliving the experience as the darkness of the room began to terrify him.Deciding he couldn’t stay in the room without his anxiety and fear taking over, Jungkook struggled to get to his feet. Hitting a couple of corners on his way out in the dark, his drunken clumsiness and the lack of light in the apartment was setting him up for failure as he struggled to find the right door to open.First, he tried Hobi’s room. His hyung was fully aware now about Jungkook’s night terrors, surely he wouldn’t mind taking him in while he was in a time of need. Confident that this would be the end of the struggle, Jungkook was surprised when the door knob wouldn’t give way. It was locked. Normally, Hobi left his door unlocked and even sometimes kept it open for Jungkook to come in whenever he needed.Today, however, Jungkook had the faint memory of seeing a very mournful Hoseok sitting by himself in a corner of the bar. At this point, Jungkook was too busy looking for the nearest bathroom to puke in, so he couldn’t do anything about his hyung’s situation.Too intimidated to reveal the secret of his sleepless nights to Jin or Namjoon, Jungkook regretfully decided that Yoongi was the best person to ask. He could just faintly remember having upset him before he left Jungkook alone in his room, but Jungkook chose to ignore that memory so that he wouldn’t be ashamed to ask to stay in Yoongi’s bed.Yoongi’s door was also locked. Fair enough, he thought to himself. After that mess he made trying to kiss him, Jungkook would lock himself out too.Knowing that Jimin looked particularly down while they were taking their next round of shots, Jungkook hoped he was still feeling like he needed company for his pity party. Whatever had upset Jimin today, it made him more receptive to joining Jungkook as he purposefully drank to forget the day’s events.Who knew that trying to forget Yoongi kicking him out would lead to Yoongi completely cutting him off hours later? Jungkook knew he was old enough to accept that alcohol wasn’t going to solve his problems or kill his regrets, but at the very least he appreciated the way it numbed the grief he was experiencing.Going to Jimin’s door, Jungkook was disappointed to find out that it too was locked. Clearly Jimin’s grief had finally caught up to him.Jungkook was running out of energy. Unsure if he’d even make it back to his bed and successfully fall asleep, his last and least desirable option was becoming the most likely solution to his problem. Sighing out, he reached for the handle of Tae’s bedroom just across the hall. Of course, it was unlocked.Hoping that he could crawl into Tae’s bed unnoticed and just spend the night, Jungkook figured it wouldn’t be a big deal to just explain himself in the morning. Sure, this wasn’t the kind of thing he and Tae were into anymore due to certain circumstances, but Jungkook was desperate and Tae tended to let things go pretty easily.However, Jungkook was painfully aware that he was trying to find solace in the company of a man whose romantic interest he’d just tried to make out with hours earlier. On the same day that he confirmed that they had to be seeing each other.Jungkook would pay to have witnessing that kiss erased from his memory. He’d do anything to scrub it out of his mind.Mortified already, Jungkook couldn’t help letting out a grunt when the older man turned and immediately wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in. Tae must have been used to surprise visitors in the night considering how readily he welcomed Jungkook into his bed when he barely looked conscious. Maybe Tae was only half-asleep, but he was clearly not awake enough to recognize who he was or even inquire about why he was there. Jungkook had to think it was strange that Tae was so willing to welcome just anyone into his bed, no questions asked.Unless he thought Jungkook was going to be Yoongi. That’d make sense if they were dating. Oh, he really hated that thought. He needed Tae to think he was Jimin or literally anyone else. Not wanting to wait and find out, Jungkook finally piped up hoping his voice would make Tae realize this sudden affection was a bit of a stretch for their comfort level.“Tae, you’re suffocating me,” he said finally, trying his best to keep his bitterness towards his hyung under wraps. Truth be told, he knew it was unfair to hate Tae just because he might be dating Yoongi. Jungkook wondered if that ‘might’ was relevant anymore after that kiss. That kiss really had to mean they were together. The maknae was too drunk and too tense to care very much for that thought.Tae shot up out of bed. “JUNGKOOK?” Though significantly more sober than Jungkook, Tae seemed to be slurring a bit.Jungkook was very straight-forward. "Be quiet and let me sleep,” Jungkook insisted. “And by the way, this never happened. I was never here."“What?” Tae asked, clearly blown away. “Why are you here, Kookie?”“Shhhhh, you're waking me up,” Jungkook complained. He tried to find an easy way to explain why he was there. “I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. I need company and you don’t lock your door.” Tae didn’t say anything but Jungkook didn’t bother opening his eyes to check for his reaction. “Trust me if I had another option I wouldn't be here." The bitterness in his tone was finally beginning to show itself.While Tae knew he and Jungkook were not as affectionate with each other as they were with the others, this tone that Jungkook was taking on seemed a little too unkind. Tae wondered if it was just the maknae’s drunken state at play. He got too curious to keep his mouth shut. A minute later when Jungkook was practically already passed out again, Tae finally spoke up. "Why are you so upset?" Tae asked, waking the maknae up.Clearly not registering the words very well, Jungkook answered only after a minute had passed. "I'm mad at you," he said finally with a pout. His answer was said so childishly that Tae could tell he was just telling the unfiltered truth.Tae couldn’t remember doing anything to Jungkook recently to make him mad. "Why?""You're ungrateful and your breath smells bad right now," Jungkook answered as Tae realized he was leaning in to understand Jungkook’s quiet whispers."Ungrateful?" Tae asked, stunned by the specificity of the word the maknae chose. He couldn’t even imagine where Jungkook was going with this.Under the impression that Jungkook had fallen asleep again, Tae was startled when Jungkook finally explained. “You are so, so lucky to have him."For some reason, Tae knew exactly what Jungkook meant. He’d been wondering if Jungkook had seen his kiss with Yoongi. He didn’t know what that had to do with Jungkook being mad at him, but now he knew for sure that he’d seen the kiss.Jungkook spoke up again before Tae could find words to say. "It's sad-"The thought was left unfinished until finally Tae prompted him to elaborate. “What’s sad?”"You upset him so much.” Tae bit back a reaction although he was sure his heart had stopped beating. “You don't know how lucky you are. I'd never make him cry like that." Tae was left sitting there to consider Jungkook’s words. Just as he tried to ask another question, Jungkook was snoring loudly, likely a symptom of how much alcohol he drank. Tae couldn't even follow up on anything Jungkook just said.Staring at the maknae in the dark, Tae finally tore his eyes away to make space for himself on the other half of the bed, curling into a pillow to hopefully prevent any accidental cuddling overnight. The last thing he wanted was to get comfortable with Jungkook. Especially not after the thought occurred to him that the maknae might have just indirectly confessed to having feelings for their hyung.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Hello everyone,
So…...Chapter 2 was a riot, huh? I know we were expecting an update yesterday but truth be told Chapter 3 is too big for me to rush. Chapter 3 is a chapter about each of the other boys’ perspectives. Starting with an intro about a new change Yoongi is bringing into his life, it is the start of a new era too. After the intro and teaser, each part resembles on boys’ perspectives of both current and past events, and gives you a peek into what each of them will be doing going forward.

This will be the structure of chapter 3:

The intro will be released - a peek into Yoongi’s post-party insight.
The teaser will be released - one scene for each of the boy’s POVs.
Then the 6 parts will be released - one for each of the other boys.
A possible Yoongi wrap up might tie off the chapter. We’ll see.

I’m super excited and I’m not lying when I say I’ve been terrifying my betas and editor all week, so readers should be looking forward to this work! I will be posting live headcanons on the Discord, answering questions, releasing annotated chapters, possibly hosting a livestream at some point. A lot of fun news will be coming in my next update.

Just regarding chapter 3 alone, here’s what will be coming:

The release of annotated chapters that will be necessary to fully comprehend and enjoy Chapter 3 because of all the plot twists, extra details, and new complications.
MORE FLUFF. On a lot of parts at least. There’s significantly more fluff than in past chapters.
Heavy angst! I don’t really know if it changes, grows, lessens, idk. It depends on your emotional reaction to the plotlines and new truths you’ll be learning.
SMUT. FINALLY. Wow, I’m so excited about this part.
On the side, I am also taking up to six (6) writers' submissions of their fanfics so that they can get feedback from me about the first 1-2 chapters of their story or about any questions they may have about their writing.

First, we will be sending out another update depending on whether everything’s been found and IF the hiatus can end. Otherwise, we will make another call for help, until we fulfill roles.

However, we can’t really get anyone anything until our team finds everyone/everything we need. Chapter 3 is a lot more work than all past chapter parts. Not only for us, but for you too! I suggest rereading this story before these parts are released! (Preferably, you might want to wait for the annotated chapters to be released since they should be coming out first.) As such, we’re looking to fill the gaps we’ve been having in the writing/editing team to cover all the content I’m making. As such, we are afraid
we have to announce a hiatus regarding daily updates on this story
until we fulfill the below requirements.

Please read below to learn about what we're looking for. Don’t be afraid to reach out for something as simple as having time on your hands to help out! Sometimes I need help on simple things too.
 
HELP NEEDED AND FANFIC SUBMISSIONS:

REREADER NEEDED
Have you ever reread this fic? Once, twice, multiple times, doesn't matter. You're a blessing and you're so sweet for doing so. If you could do me the favor of helping out, please reach out to help me as I will need a couple contacts who know the story better than someone who's only seen it once. I'm desperate. -kissy emoji-
SUBWRITER NEEDED (+ FANFIC SUBMISSIONS)
I want to create a greater support system and community of writers online the way I did for another fandom and would love for any of you to be a part of that. In particular, right now I’m especially looking for a sub-writer because I don’t think I can continue on with this fic without some help on the technical side. Long story short, a subwriter helps a writer with a major story that requires a lot of work. They are credited, and do not physically write the story or have to necessarily offer plot or prose contributions. It’s also not like ghostwriting. They help with social media and other extra content ideas, with outreach to readers, writers, and social media blogs, they talk about the fic with the writer, and learn more about the general process a writer goes through in a major series, both on the story side and on the promotional side. And they get feedback on their own current/future work and writing career until they’re ready to move on and go back exclusively to their own work. I’ve subwritten in the past. Then when I became a bigger writer, I hosted multiple subwriters and eventually beta’d for some of my subwriters until they were big enough to have their own successful writing and blogging career in our old fandom. We did some pretty impressive things actually. Feel free to send me an anon on Tumblr or CuriousCat (links below) if you want to hear more about my old writing career. I've actually been recognized on this fic before and that's insane. It made me so happy.If you are one of the following, you should totally reach out or submit with an interest in being a subwriter:
You’re online frequently and want to learn more about the online fandom
You’re a writer looking for feedback/support
You’ve got any form of basic experience with art/aesthetics/graphics or want to learn.
You like this fic and wanna help out and meet more ARMY.

In order to submit (whether or not you're interested in applying for subwriter or just getting on the list for possible feedback on your fic), please submit your contact info for any platform here so I can reach out and let you know what you can submit/supply to move forward. There are only 6 slots for people getting their fanfic read, and p
riority on those slots will be given to people interested in being a sub writer. You do not need fanfic to submit in order to consider becoming a subwriter. The submission process for subwriters outside of discussing fanfic is simple - you only need to reach out and have a chat with me about our interests to see if our goals match. I'll tell you a little more about the title, you tell me more about how I can help you. Feel free to keep your fanfic account anonymous while applying.

BETA

Looking for another beta still. Just like last time we realized we need an exact number in order to cover all the content coming up or else a chapter can be delayed for ages. We have so many updates coming up!

ARTISTS/GRAPHIC MAKERS/ETC.

Anyone who has any ability with art/graphics/literally anything in the way of visual work, please hit me up anywhere. Need desperate help. (An art-minded person also makes for a perfect sub-writer, if you're interested in it but lacking in writing background when you are looking to expand into writing.)
 
OTHER

SOCIAL MEDIA

I’m relaunching most of my social media to be more accessible and more frequently updated. Stay tuned.
LIVESTREAMSPer request, I will begin hosting these. If you have any ideas about what you want to talk about, lmk. Otherwise, we should be doing this fun set of different drinking game ideas and Q&A games, open advice forums/discussions, etc. Or at some point I might just host a watching party for different relevant BTS things. 
To my lovely rereaders - I need to plot and plan Chapter 3 fast before my week picks up and I need a reference with someone who is more likely to remember something that happened in my story because while I’m in the middle of rereading, this story is already more than 200 pages long. So I would love to be able to chat with someone who more readily remembers if I’m getting something wrong.

DISCORD
By request, I opened a chat for readers/ARMY I’ve found along the way to meet and talk whenever they’re in the mood. The readers' discord is still open to new members. Feel free to reach out anywhere or leave a comment to join. We love company and it's pretty un-hectic for a group chat. Plus, THAT'S WHERE I DO HEADCANONS -angel emoji-
PROMO WORK
I think activity is dwindling due to the end of the holiday. I’m pretty sad about it because it puts me in a place of being less sure of how to move forward. Comments and feedback is coming in less, so I think it's about time to start finding solutions. I'm going to be posting graphics, promos, headcanons, etc. on social media soon so expect an update on that progress soon.

CAN'T HELP AT ALL?

Be sure to see the ending author's note for simple questions I have for readers that would be a big help to get answers for.

How to reach out to me over anything:

As always there’s my Tumblr @theonetrueotaku (theme currently under construction though) and Twitter @the1trueotaku. You can send me your info via

CuriousCat

as well (I won’t post your submission if it has personal info). Or use the Google Form to submit me just a note about how you're trying to reach out to me. 
There’s also email as an option if you send yours to me in any of the above platforms. I also have a Discord, Line, WeChat, and KakaoTalk so don’t be afraid to ask me about literally any contact method haha.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

As he woke up, Yoongi could immediately tell he'd had another dream about sex. They weren't uncommon in his life, try as he did to figure out why. He was always the kind of person who had too much more stamina than his partners and was easily manipulated just by his arousal, but Yoongi couldn't tell if that alone was enough to explain these dreams. He supposed his conscious mind could only control so much of what his subconscious mind did, but he wished somehow that he could put a complete block on any sexual fantasies about his bandmates slipping into his dreams. Especially considering Jungkook had to sleep in this bed with him and didn't deserve to deal with the awkward boners. It took him a minute to remember that Jungkook wouldn't really be a problem anymore.Sighing out, a bit disappointed as the memory of the past 24 hours came to mind, Yoongi felt like he'd been hit by a truck from how heavy all of his bones and muscles felt. Hungover, Yoongi wasn't even sure he'd be able to find the energy in him to take care of his erection, which demanded notice under the many layers of sheets he'd pulled over himself the night before to muffle the sobs that came after he walked away from Jungkook.Maybe Yoongi shouldn't have assumed right away that whatever dream he'd just had was about his bandmate. Something about the way he was sweating like he'd run a marathon and panting like he'd been holding his breath in his sleep. Considering there were so few people for him to fantasize about, surely it had to be his bandmates.Yoongi considered the one other person it could have been, someone fairly new to his life whom he'd never forgive himself if it was about her-Before Yoongi could logically talk himself out of presumed guilt over an unconfirmed guess, because clearly Yoongi wasn't the type to fantasize over some innocent girl he'd barely exchanged a few words with, he heard another knock at the door. He realized that must have been what woke him up so suddenly."Yes?" Yoongi asked nervously, his voice failing a bit as he moved blankets to crowd around his lap a little more just to see if he could hide his arousal. He had planned to talk through the door, but Sejin had other ideas. The senior manager barged his way in as Yoongi cursed himself for not locking his door last night.Yoongi couldn't tell what he was more afraid of - the fact that Sejin would only come if Yoongi had done something wrong, or that Sejin was actively going to have a word with him while Yoongi concealed an erection.He'd done nothing to deserve this."What did I do?" he asked as Sejin started pacing the room while staring at him and shaking his head disappointedly. Sejin picked up a mirror off of his desk and  handed it to Yoongi. Immediately self-conscious, he stared at himself very carefully in the mirror looking for what he'd done."Did you really-" Sejin's breath was heavy as he paused between each word. "I just can't believe you would have the audacity to go on a show with that hair."Looking himself in the mirror in order to avoid Sejin's glare, Yoongi smiled awkwardly at himself hoping to find a charming expression to aim at his manager in the hopes of forgiveness. He wondered how quickly he could learn to do puppy dog eyes, but ultimately decided to give in and look his manager in the eyes."I messed up," he admitted. Sejin huffed out loudly as he crossed his arms. "I don't think it looks that bad though!""Your new colorist said something pretty unpleasant that I thought it best for me not to repeat. I hope you'll take my word for it and just accept that you are in the wrong.""A new colorist? What about my old one?"Sejin gave Yoongi a stare so condescending Yoongi started to feel like the dumbest man on Earth just from the intensity of meeting Sejin's gaze. "She quit after the last time you insulted her work.""Oh shit," he breathed out, actually feeling quite guilty about that one."Your new one seems great though. She just got back from a few years in America. Her previous work experience involved wig treatment for drag queens, so I'm sure you'll both get along great.""Sejin.""And she has a thicker skin than the last girl so we think this might be a permanent placement.""Sejin.""Calm down, you’re being dramatic. We wouldn't have hired her if she wasn't good.""Then what was your excuse for the last girl?""Yoongi.""Sorry.""It's good we found you someone used to working with Americans, maybe she'll find your stubborn attitude familiar."Yoongi pouted a little before resigning himself to his fate. "What color?" he asked, his eyes closed as if he was expecting a blow. Sejin laughed. "Just change it. Any color you want. I just want you to remind your colorist less of a feminine hygiene product."Confused until he realized that comment was indicative of the criticism his new colorist must have given Sejin, Yoongi could feel all of his blood rushing to his head. His eye twitched. Sure, he felt bad that he'd made someone quit their job at the company over his whiny comments, but that didn't mean he wasn't ready to repeat the experiment at will.Sighing out as Sejin continued staring at him expecting an answer, Yoongi nodded in agreement to Sejin's request. He would go and get his hair dyed if it meant getting Sejin and the new colorist off his back for another month or two before they forced him to change the color again.Yoongi had said it once and was ready to repeat himself: if he goes bald one day, he is ready to sue Big Hit."Let me just tell Namjoon and the others where I'm going," Yoongi said, trying to get Sejin to finally leave."It's nine in the morning and you're all hungover. You really think someone's awake right now?" Yoongi sighed. "If they ask us, we'll let them know you're safe with us." He had to admit to himself that the boys not knowing where he was for a few hours was a comforting notion. He deserved some time off from their nosey personalities butting in on his day-to-day schedule. They didn't deserve to always know where he was. This was a small pinch of independence that he needed right now."At least let me change," he whined finally to get the manager out of his room. "I'd like to be wearing underwear when I meet this woman." Sejin laughed and finally left Yoongi alone to get himself ready for the day.

Maybe he'd never admit it but speaking with Sejin wasn't enough to distract his body into calming itself down. Having to take care of himself in the shower, Yoongi did himself the favor of not attempting to use any sort of fantasy to prompt his release. He knew his mind would try and play tricks on him if he did. He was careful to leave his hair dry, knowing that washing it would only leave it more vulnerable to the attack this new colorist was sure to unleash upon his poor scalp."Even your hair is tense," the colorist joked in words that he could've sworn he'd heard said to him before. A brief memory of karaoke night flashed, a reminder that Hobi had said that exact line to him when he asked Yoongi why he was so stressed.That was the first time Yoongi could remember anything from that karaoke night. Was the memory perhaps coming back?Yoongi couldn't ruminate on that thought for much longer as the colorist began gently pulling on his hair strands as if testing something. "Your hair is so dead," she observed. Yoongi nearly rolled his eyes."That's what happens when you dye your hair every month," Yoongi explained as if she was slow. The colorist could tell he was belittling her but she didn't seem invested enough to care. "I was trying to ask your opinion about something," he reminded her."Oh yes. You asked brown or black, right?" Yoongi nodded. "Neither. You're not getting that." He was confused."Sejin said I could pick whatever hair color I wanted.""Can I ask you something?" Yoongi nodded patiently. "Do you like having hair?"He gritted his teeth. "Yes.""Then you'll pick another color.""Why?""If I dye your hair black and then for some reason we need you to go bubblegum pink in a month, I'll have to go back to dyeing wigs because you'll need one after that bleaching."Yoongi mumbled a curse to himself before looking at himself in the mirror. Too bitter to think of what else to do and too unhappy with most options, he didn't really know what to do next. He wasn't so sure he wanted to go blonde this month. Trying to go blonde always ended up being a hit or miss experience for most of the band. He didn't want to take that risk.Resigned that he had no other choice but to let the colorist take the wheel, he sat back in his designated chair and sighed out. "Do your best.""What?""It's your choice, just make it look good.”"I can't just pick a color for you. What if you hate it?" "I'll hate anything that isn't black or brown. My expectations are low. Just don't kill my hair."The colorist stared at him for a minute before finally settling on her first question. "What are you in the mood for?"

Yoongi debated answering vaguely before deciding to give this woman's interview a chance. "I want to look intimidating. Black would have been good for that."

"I've seen you in black. It just makes you seem approachable." Yoongi considered her words before shrugging. "So you want to look threatening. Dangerous, even?"The word dangerous had been following Yoongi around. He didn't know how she'd caught it, but that was exactly the mood he was in. He wanted to seem dangerous. He wanted to make people think twice about messing with him. Sure, a change of hair color wasn't going to change his current situation. However, the thought of making such a big decision made him a little hopeful something could change.Nodding, he asked: "How did you know?"She smiled. "I don't know anything about you, but you look like you've just been through a really bad time. A breakup?" she asked curiously. Yoongi almost tried to think of an answer when she held up a hand to stop him. "Actually, I wasn't supposed to ask and you're not supposed to answer that. Either way, it's time for a change. I know what you need." For some reason or another, Yoongi trusted her. Maybe because she had seemingly read his mind, he at the very least had to believe she was good at reading people. He hoped she'd make the right choice. She started pulling out bottles from her collection and was mixing her solution before long.Now all Yoongi could do is wait and do his best not to spoil the surprise.After about an hour of watching her work and letting his mind drift, Yoongi was falling asleep as the woman continued her work. Trying to resist looking in the mirror too much, he'd closed his eyes only to discover how difficult it was trying to keep his head still when his body was still so tired from his hangover.His mind floating to new images as his imagination took over in the place of dreaming, it was like another memory was triggered and suddenly he was remembering flashes of something.  Yoongi’s hand gently sliding down Tae’s stomach, he was smiling just at the expression on the younger man’s face. Tae was entirely distracted by Yoongi’s touch, so much so it was like he didn’t seem to notice his eyes had shut.

“You’re so sensitive,” Yoongi cooed at Tae, noticing just how tense he was. If the younger man didn’t relax into these touches soon, Yoongi wasn’t sure how much more he’d be able to take before his release. He was just so easily pleased. It made Yoongi want to overwhelm him further, if only he could do so without risking that this little experiment would have to end so soon.

Except the thought occurred to him that continuing to overstimulate Tae after he came would be a nice little solution to that problem....Overwhelmed by that outrageous thought, Yoongi startled the colorist when he snapped his head back up as if trying to shake that mental image away.If there was ever a time he didn't need images like that of Tae coming to mind, even if they were memories of his forgotten dream from the night before, it was today. After their kiss, there was too much running through Yoongi's mind for him to be vividly picturing another of his bandmates looking naked and desperate.Swallowing hard at his last thought too, Yoongi wondered just how much torture it would end up becoming just trying to let this colorist do her job while he lusted after his friends like a horny teenager. Willing himself to think of anything else, his thoughts drifted to work as he closed his eyes and imagined a new song for himself to work on.Yoongi's hand was cramping up from typing so many lines so quickly into his phone as phrases and sayings rushed to mind. Songwriting was always a thrilling experience for Yoongi, but also stressful as he fought to write everything down before he could forget it.His phone vibrating with a text from an unknown number, he was slightly startled by the question it posed.
You feeling any better?
They didn't identify themselves. Who is this? There was a long wait as the 'typing' signal went off for a full minute before he ever received a text, as if they were debating what to say or how to say it. Finally, his phone chimed again. I'm so so sorry! This is Naeun. As he tried to type a message back, the 'typing' signal came back on as she continued. She typed very fast this time. Sorry! I should have said we talked yesterday, in case you don't remember.Yoongi could already hear the nervous tone she was probably saying it in. The text might as well have come with her occasional stutter built-in. He smiled as he answered. Of course I remember you, Naeun. Sorry, she answered back. Another text came. I didn't want to assume. Yoongi really, really wanted to point out how many time she'd said sorry already, but he knew it would only serve to make her more nervous. What's up? Oh... nothing. Heechul gave me your number and I remembered you said to message you. Yoongi laughed, knowing he had been right to text Heechul himself and ask him to give Naeun his number. I didn't know if you were serious. Another text. I didn't need anything though, sorry if I made you think that. Yoongi snorted as he texted back. What's up? = How are you? Not "what do you want?" Oh. This girl was hilarious. Yoongi couldn't help cracking up at how bland the next text was in comparison. I'm fine.  The rapper wondered if she'd ask the question back, but she didn't. Two minutes passed and he'd wondered if she just wasn't interested in talking. Finally, another text arrived from her.
Sorry, I should have asked.... How are you?
This was definitely one of the least interesting text conversations he'd had as far as he could remember, but he was somehow still so amused. Naeun's awkward nature was comforting, as it was a personality type that he so rarely encountered among idols. It was almost too difficult an industry for people who found it so difficult to talk to others. He was glad to see someone like himself thriving too.It was also slightly fun seeing someone be so much more awkward than he was.
Feeling better. Slightly hungover. Thanks again for yesterday.
I didn't do much. He smiled only to be surprised when another text came in. Hungover? Weren't you sick?  Before she could get a chance to apologize like she always did, he answered. Blame our leader and eldest hyung.
What do you mean?
They made us all go out together.   They let you do stuff like that? she asked. It took him a second to realize she didn't mean Namjoon or Jin - she meant their managers.
Sometimes.

I hope you enjoyed it at least.
Debatable.  
Oh, sorry.
Yoongi couldn't help himself. New rule: You're not allowed to say sorry anymore. He really hoped she had the sense of humor to find that funny.
My apologies.
This girl had jokes.Another text came. They're calling us into rehearsal. Gotta go. Pouting slightly now that he was just starting to enjoy himself, he decided to be bolder than usual. Okay. I'll text you later. Naeun didn't take long to answer. Sounds good. Switching chats to Chanyeol, Yoongi decided to fulfill a promise he'd made to Heechul.
Channie-oppa!
Yoongi could feel his friend rolling his eyes at the text already.  You give me commitment issues, Chanyeol replied 15 minutes later. And whiplash.   Baby, don't be like that. :( Yoongi laughed at his own text before sending it. What do you want, Min Yoongi?  
Park Chanyeol's time and attention.
You say after disappearing for weeks, Chanyeol answered. He had a point. Yoongi debated whether he was actually upset or not. The newest text answered that. I was starting to enjoy it.
Ahhhhh. I'm back. Visit me. Or I'll visit you. Or Overwatch. Preferably Overwatch.

No. If you want to stay friends, we're going to talk. Have a conversation. Face to face. Like normal people.

Gross. I'll let you know as soon as I have an opening in my schedule.

I'm busy too. What about my schedule?

I'll pay for dinner.
Yes boss. If you're there, I'm there.  Yoongi snorted to himself before looking up to the colorist he'd nearly forgotten was there. She was checking his hair under his color cap to see if his hair was done. "You're ready," she answered his question before he could even ask it. She looked giddy. "It looks so good." Before she could move him over to wash his hair, he got a text from Namjoon. 
Don't know where you are but the managers said we can go home in about an hour or so. Yay! Just wanted to let you know.
Realizing just how badly he wanted to mess with the other boys, Yoongi couldn't stop himself. Yoongi would go and show them exactly just how fine he was after yesterday.

In a moment he knew he might regret later, Yoongi ordered flowers to be sent to a specific company with a special thank you. Then Yoongi texted Chanyeol. I'll be there to pick you up in two hours. Yoongi really never thought the colorist would be right about him, but he'd bowed his head and begged for an apology when he saw his final look. Hearts are breaking today, she'd joked when she saw his hair fully done. He normally wasn't one to agree with flattering comments but..... wow . He'd never seen himself look like this before.Stepping into Big Hit, he pulled Jin’s hoodie up further over his hair, looking to get past the band without attracting attention to himself and hoping to give Sejin a dramatic reveal. He hoped he could scare the manager into believing the color had gone terribly wrong.The ideal version of events involved getting around the building without ever seeing the band. Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on his side as Namjoon saw him and began pursuing him with a worried Jimin at his side.Turning the corner in the hopes of hiding, he walked even faster only for Tae to call after him for his attention, putting Hobi and Jungkook’s eyes on him as they began heading to the hallway to join him. Yoongi walked even faster.“Buddy!” Jin called out from the other side of the hallway as he approached Yoongi. He had alerted the rest of the band as to where to find Yoongi if they weren’t already behind him.Yoongi didn’t know why he thought this would work.“Is that my sweater?” Jin asked, gesturing at the oversized hoodie that did a great job of making Yoongi look and feel small. He’d just wanted something to hide his hair with. Instinctually pulling the strings of the hood, he shrugged. “I just need to find Sejin quickly. Then I have to leave.” “Why the rush?” Namjoon asked, confused. “You seem nervous.” It felt like he was being surrounded. Jimin and Hobi seemed ready to apologize on the spot. Jungkook had a longing in his gaze. Jin looked eager to talk. Tae looked hesitant to be there. Namjoon just looked concerned. Everyone wanted a piece of him right now. “Finally!” Sejin announced from down the hall. Turning, Yoongi realized how tightly he’d wound the hood of the hoodie around his face. Sejin hesitated. “It can’t be that bad, can it?” the manager asked nervously. Yoongi’s eyes were open wide in fear.Before Yoongi could stop the senior manager, Jin took a good look at the hoodie. “Are you hiding your hair?” he asked innocently.“Show us now, Yoongi,” Sejin demanded, clearly getting very tense over the damage that could have been done. Swallowing hard, Yoongi stared dead at Sejin in the hopes of avoiding the others’ eyes. He pulled the hood off carefully, revealing sharp silver hair in a casual but thick styling with a flattering new cut that the colorist had eyeballed since his hair was too long but she couldn’t wash his hair first. His hair was as healthy as it could be, but in particular it was pretty elegant. The different shades of silver wove together in a way that caught the light just enough to bring a lot of attention to his visuals. The cut similarly complimented his facial structure.Sejin sighed out loudly with a groan. “Oh thank god,” he praised. “I was worried there for a second.” Seeming to remember Yoongi was waiting for a verdict, a wide smile spread across Sejin’s face. “Great choice, Yoongi. You’ve never looked better!”Namjoon seemed a bit choked as he tried to contribute helpfully, “He’s- he’s not wrong.”When no one spoke, Yoongi finally looked around. His glance made Jin nervous, clearly, as the oldest leapt into action.“Man, you look great!” he said vaguely though there seemed to be more on his mind. Meanwhile, Tae looked terrified. Yoongi purposefully chose to ignore him in order to avoid thinking about their kiss in front of the others. He figured that was what his shock must have been about.Jungkook just looked even more miserable than before but Yoongi refused to think too hard into that. Just like how he ignored the way Jimin couldn’t seem to choose between staring at his new look or trying to meet his eyes to wordlessly apologize. In the end, it seemed Jimin’s surprise won out as he just continued staring. The maknaes all just nodded in agreement. Finally looking at Hobi, Yoongi couldn’t help his face falling at seeing his friend force a smile when his eyes looked so sad.“You look great, Yoongi,” Hobi said warmly. Yoongi felt like flinching, but instead he mirrored Hobi’s smile.“Thanks,” Yoongi answered, pulling the hoodie over his head again. Without another word, he just glanced around at the others again before turning all of his attention to Sejin. “Can I go?”Sejin nodded. Left without more to say, Yoongi swiftly made his way out of the crowded hallway and raced for the door, not wanting the others to see he was upset.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Spring 2011
Though he’d seen the place once before, the dorms felt completely unfamiliar to Jungkook. It didn’t help that he was sort of thrown into this situation with the way the managers rushed him in once his mother had finished saying goodbye. He and his mom had said goodbye hours earlier so that Jungkook could get all the crying out, but he couldn’t help getting emotional again when they hugged the last time. He’d always known what he was signing up for but he didn’t know how hard it would be to let his mother go until the time had come.The managers promised him the other trainees were friendly, but they seemed to be nowhere to be found as Jungkook entered the space he’d been assigned.“The other trainees are probably out to dinner,” was what the managers had said to excuse their absence. It didn’t matter. Jungkook preferred it this way. He didn’t want to be seen, not yet. As much as he felt he was ready to be on his own, he felt shy just being in this room full of bunk beds and messy dressers. The smell of the room wasn’t unpleasant, but the air was thick enough to remind Jungkook of just how many boys he would be living with. There would be no privacy.Looking at the empty bed he’d be inhabiting, Jungkook immediately took his claims back. He really wasn’t ready, but he tried to calm himself as he knew he was strong enough to deal with it now that there was no going back.  As soon as the managers left, Jungkook took a seat on his bed. He didn’t want to start unpacking yet. The room still felt too new to him.As he took in his surroundings, Jungkook suddenly heard a commotion coming from the direction of the bathrooms. There was a loud thud followed by a bunch of quiet giggles.“Are they gone?” a voice asked. Jungkook looked around. No one else was with him. He had to assume the voice was talking to him.“Yes?” he answered nervously, unsure if he’d made a mistake by answering. He was alone, so he felt very vulnerable.Suddenly, four boys popped out of the bathroom door. They were ignoring Jungkook and looking around to see if the managers were really gone. Two of them immediately snuck out of the room, still giggling over their successful hideout. Before Jungkook could register what was happening, one of the ones who stayed was pulling open the door to the only closet in the room. This let out another boy who was hiding there, sitting on the floor. As he lingered on the ground for a second, he aimed a wide and toothy grin at his friend. At this point, Jungkook could tell they had been drinking.“You’re ridiculous,” the friend informed him. “Find a better place to hide next time, Yoongi.”“I told you we wouldn’t get caught,” Yoongi said, calling out to the other boy. In reply, Namjoon, whom Jungkook had befriended when he’d first visited Big Hit, rolled his eyes.Once the other nameless boy turned around, he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off Jungkook. He studied Jungkook as if he could read his entire life’s story on his face. Jungkook was starting to feel like he’d succeed at it if they maintained eye contact long enough. His dark eyes were hypnotizing and his stare felt powerful enough to do something as bizarre as read his mind.“Hmmmm, definitely not a dancer,” they noted, observing Jungkook. Jungkook was blown away that he could tell, but Namjoon seemed unimpressed.“Hoseok,” Namjoon warned as if he’d said something rude. Jungkook wondered what he was missing that made Hoseok think he wasn’t a dancer so instantly. He could only imagine it was a mean-spirited assumption with the way Namjoon snapped at him.“Sorry,” Hoseok said before giving Jungkook a warm smile. “I meant I don’t think you’re a dancer, at least. Are you the new rapper, then?”Jungkook nodded, though the ‘rapper’ title was only a rumor that seemed to be going around among the managers. He’d auditioned as a vocalist, originally. He was somewhat sure they’d change their minds about his title soon enough. After all, he didn’t know how to rap yet and felt a little unsure about learning.Yoongi burst into cheers as he stood up and approached.“You’re the new baby rapper,” he celebrated as he rapidly approached Jungkook before turning to the others. “A baby rapper!” he marveled at Namjoon.As soon as they made eye contact for the first time, Namjoon smiled at Jungkook. Jungkook tried to smile back but Yoongi was distracting him with his loudness.“Finally someone shorter than me. I’ve been waiting for you!” Yoongi said, now approaching Jungkook with arms that were opening as if he was ready to embrace him. Before he could inch forward, Namjoon grabbed the hood of his sweater and stopped him. Jungkook had never been more grateful.“Yoongi, you’ve got to stop trying to hug people,” Hobi explained, stepping in front of Yoongi. “You’ve been shaken off so many times.”Jungkook couldn’t help noticing that it seemed like the pout on Yoongi’s lips was almost a permanent part of his expression. However, the pout seemed even deeper now. “I’m looking for someone who won’t shake me off.” Both Namjoon and Hoseok smiled fondly.“Why?” Hoseok asked, incredulous yet clearly endeared by his friend’s behavior.“Because then I can take a nap,” Yoongi answered bluntly. Namjoon wrinkled his forehead in confusion.“Your bed is right there,” he said, pointing to the other side of the room. “People feel more comfortable when you’re drunk,” Yoongi explained as though that fact was obvious. Namjoon just sighed. Yoongi took a seat next to Jungkook on his bed, ignoring Hoseok when he tried to stop him.“Hoseok, he’s not going to give up,” Namjoon warned. Hoseok nodded, looking resigned as Yoongi took a seat next to Jungkook, only an inch away from the nervous boy. Jungkook was already intimidated by their proximity.They were all rather handsome in a way that was confusing to the eye. It made him want to stare, but Jungkook resisted. He’d already said something rather embarrassing to Namjoon when they first met. He didn’t want a repeat of that incident. Looking at Namjoon, Jungkook felt a bit silly after their past encounter. He’d already blurted out one note about Namjoon’s body that he hoped never repeated itself. Namjoon didn’t seem like the type to tell others what he said, so he was less stressed than he could have been about that. However, he wanted to avoid an incident like that ever coming up again. Like his immediate instinct to tell this Yoongi that his toothy smile was distracting, for example. Yoongi sat next to him, observing him for a second. “This looks like a good kid. He’s a good kid. You’re a good kid, right, um-““Jungkook,” the young boy introduced himself as he looked around, hoping eye contact would mean he could count this answer as his introduction so he wouldn’t have to be put on the spot again.“Yes, you seem nice. Come here,” Yoongi put an arm around him before that gesture quickly turned into an intimate hug that made Jungkook freeze in place.Part of Jungkook’s regret when Yoongi started leaning his head on his shoulder, aside from the obvious point that he was super nervous about being touched, was that he wouldn’t get to see that grin anymore. Yoongi promptly started trying to take a nap on Jungkook’s shoulder when he realized the kid was too shy to shake him off. He’d successfully found the perfect human pillow.Yoongi didn’t seem to care when Hoseok and Namjoon started explaining to Jungkook what they’d done that night and what a fool Yoongi had made of himself while intoxicated. They promised him a less hectic first day tomorrow. Jungkook couldn’t help starting to instinctually warm up to the affection of Yoongi’s gesture, though he tried to resist.Yoongi looked up at him at some point when Namjoon made Jungkook laugh to the point of his whole body shaking. It seemed like the older boy was gearing up to complain. However, he became fascinated while staring at Jungkook’s expression. Before Jungkook’s smile could fall from catching the confusion on Yoongi’s face, Yoongi found the words to express his discovery. He let out a quick giggle before pointing at Jungkook’s face.“He’s got a cute bunny smile,” Yoongi teased. Hoseok and Namjoon snorted before covering their mouths to hide their laughter.“We’re so sorry about him,” Namjoon apologized finally, seeing Jungkook’s devastated face after they started laughing at him.“He’s always this embarrassing,” Hoseok confirmed. “Like we said, we’ll make it up to you tomorrow. It’ll be a completely different day.”Though Jungkook was embarrassed, he secretly hoped Hoseok and Namjoon weren’t too right about tomorrow being a different day. In a strange way, he was starting to like this.Yoongi made him nervous from the first moment he met him and every day after. That newness never faded, no matter how comfortable they’d get with each other like they were today, after knowing each other so many years.As a kid, Jungkook could never place the feelings because he didn’t know he was interested in men or really anyone, but Yoongi had this habit of forcing his way into someone’s heart so fast.It was just like how from that night on, Yoongi knew that if no one else would put up with him, at least he had Jungkook as a human pillow to run to when he needed one. Yoongi didn’t seem to care that everyone thought it was weird, or even that the others tried to protect Jungkook from these antics knowing how shy he was.Jungkook didn’t know how to explain it to them just how much he didn’t mind. In fact, he looked forward to it every time.Spring 2011 Two months later, Jungkook finally found his footing at Big Hit. In fact, he was even starting to feel at home. Thanks to his new friends, Jungkook didn’t feel lonely anymore as he tried to survive training. Survive felt like the appropriate word for it considering that Jungkook had encountered some obstacles along the way: strict managers, harsh conditions, bullies-Jungkook resisted a shiver thinking about the bullies. He was happy that he wasn’t entirely alone in his age group, though, as soon after him came another teenager named Tae who was only two years older. Just as bullied as Jungkook, the two of them managed to form an alliance that turned into a close friendship very quickly. Meanwhile, the hyungs also looked after them whenever necessary, clearly understanding just how hard this was on them. Especially Hobi, whom Jungkook knew was making a sacrifice even if everyone else seemed to be unaware. They called Hoseok sunshine.Hobi had even said once before to Jungkook that he wasn’t this energetic or bubbly when he’d first started training, not until months after arriving. Jungkook wondered how his old friends seemed to think the change in Hoseok’s personality was out-of-character. Sure, Hoseok acted the same around Yoongi, but Yoongi was his best friend so it was understandable that Hoseok wouldn’t feel a need to pretend to be anything else for him.What he did see when Hoseok showed his true colors was just how quiet and reserved Hoseok preferred to be. The man was too confident to be shy, so Jungkook knew that wasn’t the problem. He just seemed to prefer keeping to himself, having his privacy extend to every piece of himself he felt like hiding away.Jungkook could understand that - hiding parts of yourself wasn’t always about shame or fear. Sometimes it was just about your own desires in the moment. Jungkook wasn’t very social, he easily became exhausted of people outside of his small circle of friends. Like Hoseok, he liked his friends because they either made him want to be social or were able to just relax with him in silence.Or, in Taehyung’s case, they were talkative enough to make up both sides of a conversation.Hoseok was a different person in public, one who seemed out to comfort everyone in sight. Truth be told, even if it was a front that Hobi was putting on, Jungkook took a lot of comfort in knowing Hobi would be there for him if he needed cheering up. Sometimes, he was even good for desperately needed advice.Once Jungkook realized these mixed emotions he had about Yoongi were really all about having a crush on him, he knew Hoseok would be the best one to turn to. He’d never tell him it was Yoongi, but he could at least get the benefit of asking him for advice on how to handle having feelings for someone you could never be with.Finding his hyung in one of the empty dance rooms as always, Jungkook was surprised to see him looking downtrodden, sitting with his back against one of the mirrors as if he didn’t want to see himself. Jungkook rarely caught Hobi in a bad mood.True to himself, Hobi attempted a tired smile as he caught sight of Jungkook. Hobi would never let Jungkook think that he wasn’t happy to see him. That little smile didn’t seem to be trying to hide anything though, as though Hobi wasn’t going to conceal his true feelings from Jungkook.Jungkook couldn’t help wondering if maybe he’d become someone Hobi trusted. Hobi wasn’t covering up his true feelings the way he would with most others.The younger boy just sat next to Hoseok, knowing better than to act surprised or react at all to his visible emotional distress. He leaned his head on his hyung’s shoulder, knowing that would serve as question enough.“I’m fine,” Hoseok assured him. Jungkook could tell his voice was steady so he believed him. “Just feeling a little down.” Jungkook nodded.“What’s wrong?” Jungkook asked, leaning in as Hobi wrapped his arms around Jungkook to hug him from the side.Hobi took a minute to answer, as if trying to find the right way to word it.“Love is stupid,” he said finally. Jungkook chuckled. Hobi turned to him, confused by his amusement. “What?”“Agreed,” Jungkook answered.“Not you too! You’re too young,” Hobi complained, as if this particular kind of heartbreak was age-restricted. Jungkook just smiled. “You’re already having problems with girls?”Jungkook did not like the way that question was phrased because it forced him to have to play along. He didn’t like actively lying to his hyungs the way he did, but it was the only way to keep them comfortable. The truth was, Jungkook almost never felt romantic feelings for anybody. The one time he did, well, it was Yoongi. It took about a month for the realization to kick in that this was what a crush felt like, but by then he knew his hyung well enough that he was completely sure he was smitten.“Being a trainee kills your love life,” Hobi observed the obvious. Jungkook just nodded in agreement. “It also limits your options to basically zero.”Jungkook couldn’t help being confused as to what Hobi meant about options. “All the girls here are really pretty,” he pointed out. “Why don’t any of them work?”Hobi chuckled. “You’re observant. Have you spent much time looking at them?” Hobi teased. The older hyungs loved making him shy when it came to women. It was Jungkook’s least favorite running joke.Jungkook didn’t know what it was about girls that scared him. He supposed it had something to do with the girls at his school who liked him who always thought it was weird he didn’t pay them any attention and always wanted to be around boys. That wasn’t normal behavior, even Jungkook knew that. He was getting bullied so much for not being interested in girls that he’d done some silly, even unkind things to keep his secret. Jungkook couldn’t help cringing at the memory of having spent months ‘dating’ a girl whom he felt sorry for lying to the entire time.Truth be told, Jungkook didn’t want to let go of the hope that he could be straight all along and that all of his interest in men was more of an admiration dynamic. However, the evidence was piling up against him. “It’s bad pickings for everyone. Look at the boys-“ Hobi changed the subject very quickly, but Jungkook still noticed. He told himself it had to be because Hobi didn’t want to discuss the real issue - whatever girl he was upset about. However, Hobi seemed more equipped to talk about the male trainees than he had been about the female ones. He even went off on a rant as if he was emotionally invested. He continued on about each trainee for ages.“- and then there’s Seokjin. Have you met Seokjin?” Hobi asked angrily. Jungkook bit his lip, unsure of how to describe the kind of relationship he had with Seokjin. He was too afraid to even cross paths with him, the older boy reminding him often of the bullies he faced in school. Hobi softened as he realized Jungkook’s sensitive reaction. “Ah. You too.” Jungkook wanted to ask what he meant by that but he was too slow. “I’m so sorry. Seokjin is a jerk. Unless you ask Yoongi.” The bitter attitude in Hobi’s voice returned. “According to Yoongi, he’s great .”“Oh?” Jungkook asked trying to sound disinterested only for his voice to falter.“Don’t get me started on Yoongi, Kookie,” Hoseok warned jokingly, though there seemed to be a hint of seriousness in his tone. He went on about how Namjoon was unavailable, but then nervously corrected himself. “Emotionally unavailable, I mean,” he rushed to say as if he’d done something stupid. Clearly nervous, he moved on pretty quickly to talk about the other trainees.Jungkook was too distracted to care. He wanted to know what Hoseok meant before.“So, what about Yoongi?” Jungkook said, trying to sound casual. Hobi looked startled but Jungkook prompted a reply again. “Can’t the girls like him?”“Yeah, sure if he wasn’t so busy being in love with-” Hoseok was very sarcastic until he realized he was about to give away a secret. “-someone else. You don’t know them. And don’t tell him I said that. My real point is he’s a lost cause. They’d be better off chasing the wind.”Jungkook felt let down by the news, but at the same time he felt almost liberated. If Yoongi was in love with someone and he’d never find out who it was, this could just be the step he needed to get over his crush. He wanted Yoongi to be happy, so he just had to wish him luck with whoever that lucky person was and try to use this news to move on. 
Summer 2012
Jungkook never thought he’d ever be in a position of power over Seokjin. Along that line, he never expected that sparing Seokjin would be paid back in any form of kindness. When Jungkook’s leg tripped Seokjin and made the tall, broad boy fall flat on his face, Jungkook wondered whether he’d die a quick or slow death. There was no one except Tae around as witness to what was going on and he knew Tae wouldn’t be able to save him. His best friend was just standing there in shocked silence. Jungkook had never directly made Seokjin angry, and he was lucky the boy usually avoided him considering the awkward way they’d met. It was like Seokjin wanted nothing to do with him.As Seokjin approached, looking menacing and furious the closer he got, Jungkook couldn’t help backing up accordingly as if each step would save him somehow. He hadn’t even noticed the speaker behind him. As Seokjin reached over to grab his shoulder, Jungkook moved to dodge him only to crash right into the set of speakers behind him when he lost his balance.When the managers came racing to help Jungkook back on his feet, carefully inspecting the cuts on his arm that had resulted from the equipment breaking under his weight, they didn’t immediately ask what had happened until they were sure the young boy wasn’t suffering from any critical damage. When he looked over, Tae still looked too scared to speak, though he was only inches away, crowding the managers as he looked Jungkook over. Just like them, he was inspecting for damage but he seemed too scared for him to really believe his eyes when it was clear that he was okay.The question finally came. They demanded to know what happened, and Jungkook gave them an answer that surprised Tae so much his best friend squeaked before quickly silencing himself.“I was playing around and I tripped,” was his brilliant lie. Followed by many apologies, Jungkook felt the privilege that he only so rarely was reminded of when he saw just how much the managers knew they needed him for this band. They didn’t act mad at all, as if this was easily forgivable. He knew that if it had been anyone else they would have faced much worse consequences.Jungkook had every right to say it was Seokjin’s fault that he’d fallen. He had every right to take this moment to tell the managers how Seokjin intimidated them all. It was clear in this moment, seemingly even to Seokjin himself, how willing the managers were to accommodate Jungkook’s needs.Instead, Jungkook apologized for being clumsy.That was what led to Seokjin showing up at his door that Friday night right when he’d been about to go to bed. Feeling vulnerable in his pajamas with the room mostly empty except for Taehyung, Jungkook didn’t feel so great having no one around who could protect him from whatever Seokjin was looking to do.Looking around, Seokjin seemed to be confirming that no one was home. “They all went out to that bar they like so much, right?” he asked. “The one that doesn’t check IDs?”Swallowing hard, Jungkook nodded, wondering if he should have lied instead.“Do you want me to take you there so you can join them?” the taller man asked, his voice quiet but just loud enough that Taehyung had heard him.“Even if they don’t-” he started at a normal volume. Seokjin threatened him with a silent glare that immediately made Tae understand he was being too loud. Tae continued in a whisper. “Even if they don’t check IDs, they’ll never let us in.”“I wasn’t talking to you, was I?” Seokjin retorted. He turned to Jungkook again. “I can get you in the bar without anyone asking too many questions. I know a guy. Do you want to join your friends or not?”“W-why?” Jungkook asked, hesitating.“I owe you a favor.”“What about Tae?”“I can’t help you,” he told them both. “I can only get one of you in. It’s you or no one.” Turning to Tae, Jungkook waited for his friend to say he could go without him. Tae nodded and smiled encouragingly.“Tell me about it when you get back,” Tae demanded. Jungkook nodded.
Summer 2012
Seokjin had him promise not to tell anyone it was him who helped. Then he reminded him this was just a one time thing so Jungkook could go have some fun at this bar in exchange for sparing Jin and not telling the managers what he’d done. Jungkook knew the gravity of what he’d done that day. He saved Seokjin from getting kicked out.When Jin drove him to the bar, he was a little surprised to see him park the car. “I have to stay with you,” he explained. “If you die or something, it’ll be blamed on me.” He shrugged.“So you’re coming in with me?” Jungkook asked curiously.“Not entirely. I’ll be hiding. Don’t tell your friends I’m here or I’ll spoil the fun. I haven’t been invited to this, not in a very long time.” Seokjin was being pretty honest. Jungkook knew he was right. They’d all stop enjoying their time if they knew he was nearby.As soon as the bouncer let him in after a short talk with Jin, Jungkook broke one of his promises. He had previously told Jin he wouldn’t try to get a drink, but he couldn’t help making the attempt. The bartender looked suspicious of him but he didn’t ask any questions as he poured Jungkook a beer. Jin had given him money for food and for any arcade games he wanted to play. He felt a bit bad for deceiving him, but not really.The bar was huge. Spread out across multiple rooms, crowded in people, and seemingly endless in size, it took Jungkook the good part of half an hour to find the others. He couldn’t help noticing that he was getting a lot of attention as he searched. Hearing the word “cute” thrown around by drunk adults, as well as younger people he was sure weren’t old enough to be there, he supposed they thought it was funny to see a kid so young there. No one seemed concerned.On second thought, Jungkook was getting a bit paranoid that the hyungs would get angry when they saw him. After all, he was only 15. Maybe they felt comfortable sneaking out being at least about four years older than he was, but he was sure they’d have a problem with him being there. Drinking the beer in his hand all at once so he could put the glass down, Jungkook hoped by hiding the glass that his hyungs would never find out he drank anything.He’d never had alcohol before, and he regretted the feat of finishing the full glass as soon as he was done. Determined to find his friends, he pushed on despite feeling sick.As Seokjin explained to him, even if the boys had a problem with him being there, they’d have to keep him there for the night. Otherwise, someone would be forced to step away and take Jungkook home since they didn’t know Seokjin was there to supervise him. There was no way they’d be so determined to take him home that they didn’t at least stay a few more hours and let him sit with them.Crossing the dance floor, Jungkook could have sworn he saw Namjoon on the other side sitting at a booth. Once Jungkook finished crossing to the other side, he could see the hyungs were sitting with the other older trainees on a raised platform. Yoongi and Hobi were in the center, most visible from Jungkook’s spot. He ducked a bit to avoid being seen by them too soon.Jungkook wasn’t sure he’d regret anything so much in his life. From this alternate view of the table, just barely making out shapes from past somebody’s chair, the obstruction of his view wasn’t enough to completely hide what was plain as day from this angle.Hiding what could only be Hoseok’s hand on Yoongi’s lap, Jungkook could see his sunniest hyung curving his grip around his best friend’s thigh and keeping his hand there. The two of them leaning against each other, Yoongi was perfectly comfortable using Hobi in a way that reminded Jungkook of the way Yoongi would use him as a human pillow.Jungkook wasn’t naive enough not to know how Hobi’s hand on Yoongi’s thigh made things different. Especially not when he could see Hobi was creeping the hand up higher.Feeling too nauseous to see where the moment was heading, Jungkook made a run to the other side of the dance floor where he knew he’d seen the sign for the bathroom. He could see someone running up to him but only realized it was Seokjin when the taller boy caught up with him by the time he’d reached the toilet in the stall nearest the bathroom door.“Damn it, Jungkook,” Seokjin sighed out. “I told you not to drink!”Nodding as if hoping it would suffice as an apology, Jungkook wondered if this was all just about the alcohol. He’d never felt so sick and miserable in his life, as if his heartache was contributing to his stomach’s upset. Part of him wondered if the alcohol played any role at all, willing to believe that just the thought of remembering what he’d seen was enough motivation on its own.Either way, maybe he was reading into things in hindsight, but he could tell at the time on Yoongi’s face that he was happy - excited, even. Hobi wasn’t wrong. Yoongi did seem like he was in love. It was the kind of smile that Jungkook had whenever he saw the older boy. At that thought, Jungkook threw his head down, leaning over the toilet again as the heartache motivated more sickness.However, Seokjin insisted it was the alcohol, so Jungkook felt inclined to believe him for the sake of his own heartbreak. It was the first and last time Jungkook threw up because of alcohol. He promised himself he’d never want to feel this sick ever again.
Summer 2012
A few days later, having avoided all of his hyungs successfully for as long as he could, Jungkook wasn’t too sad when he heard Bang PD wanted him to travel to the United States to learn how to dance better. As much as the opportunity was probably meant to be exciting on its own, Jungkook was just happy this meant he could get some time away from everyone. He knew as he was saying his goodbyes that he’d miss Taehyung and Namjoon. Maybe he’d even miss Seokjin a bit since they’d gotten a bit closer since the bar incident.Just seeing Hobi put Jungkook close to tears, as he silently hugged his hyung. He tried not to listen to his goodbye and didn’t say anything back out of fear that his voice would falter.However, saying goodbye to Yoongi was the final straw. He broke Jungkook’s heart when he called him his ‘favorite pillow’ as he was saying goodbye. Jungkook didn’t want to call his hyung a liar, but he knew better than to believe that he really was Yoongi’s favorite.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Present
When his phone’s text tone insisted on waking him up, Jungkook resisted moving as the scare ran like ice water through his veins. He didn’t want to wake the clingy demon sleeping on top of him. He was used to resisting a reaction to the waking triggers that came every morning, whether phone calls, his own nightmares, or getting startled when Yoongi got up earlier than him and moved too much.From the way he was sweating uncontrollably despite the room’s cool air, he could tell he’d had a nightmare. It took him a second to remember where he was once he realized he wasn’t in Yoongi’s room. However, as he made a game plan to reach for his phone, he remembered that he’d asked Tae before if he could sleep in his room. He didn’t bother checking if he was right.Despite the tension between them the past two years, Taehyung was Taehyung. He was a clingy sleeper. He’d hold on for dear life onto the nearest solid object or person and seek comfort in pressing as much of his skin onto that surface as if looking to attach himself completely. Jungkook remembered a time where he thought that was cute.Ever since their fight, it was the biggest reason Jungkook didn’t feel comfortable being around Tae when he slept. While they didn’t want the others to know why they weren’t affectionate anymore, Jungkook also didn’t like the idea of waking Tae up just for the sake of getting out of his grip so he had no escape whenever Tae latched on to him.So Jungkook leaned over to reach for the phone as close as he could without moving his hyung too much. Even if they weren’t close anymore, there was something about Tae being asleep that made Jungkook feel more like he could care about his hyung without getting caught doing so. It had only been a few seconds since he woke up, barely enough time for him to register his surroundings. However, reading the text message woke him right up.
I know you’re young but I didn’t think you were ignore-your-texts young.
Another message came in with a loud ring that Jungkook feared would wake his hyung. He read it quickly. It was just an emoji rolling its eyes. He didn’t have to look at the contact info to see who this was. Obviously, his ex was growing frustrated with his silence. No matter how many calls and texts he dodged, there was no escaping whatever his ex was looking to say to him.It’d had been more than six months since they’d broken up. His ex hadn’t talked to him in all of that time and never tried to get in contact again up until a few days ago. Jungkook didn’t know what he could possibly want all of a sudden. Mirroring the emoji, Jungkook also rolled his eyes before putting the phone back down and looking down, intending to observe Taehyung to see why the man was so particularly clingy today. He had all of his weight on Jungkook but considering Taehyung was pretty tall, he thought that move would normally weigh Jungkook down much more than it did, just from having to support another large person’s weight. As he looked, suddenly everything made sense as he saw Hobi was the one lying on top of him. He was smaller than Tae and of a much more manageable weight for Jungkook, even if it wasn’t by much. Holding back a reaction as he glanced at his surroundings, the memory struck him that Tae had kicked him out early in the morning. Jungkook remembered not even asking why. Tae giving him even just a few hours in his room was enough kindness for one night.At this hour, Jungkook felt less guilty knocking on Hoseok’s door, waiting for his hyung to answer, and begging him to let him sleep there as he’d had trouble sleeping the night before. He didn’t question Hoseok’s swollen eyes, assuming they looked puffy just from sleep.“Always, Kookie,” Hoseok had said, pulling Jungkook in closer as the two of them settled into Hoseok’s bed comfortably. They were used to this routine by now. It made sense to them.Sleeping with Hobi didn’t prevent the nightmares the way sleeping with Yoongi did. At least, it couldn’t right now, not while Jungkook went to bed haunted by thoughts about how he’d ruined things with Yoongi. It didn’t help that he’d just been kicked out of Taehyung’s room, not with their history. With so many stressful thoughts running through his head, it was no wonder that cuddling with his other hyung wasn’t enough to fight his demons while he was asleep.Jungkook wasn't used to him getting this clingy like Taehyung would but Jungkook really liked feeling Hobi sprawled on top of him the way he was. Holding Hobi even tighter against him with one arm, he used his free arm to wipe at the sweat on his forehead. He then used Hobi's warmth as comfort to calm himself down. Remembering the dream, the sound of his own voice screaming out for his hyungs’ help echoed in his mind and disrupted his thoughts. But Jungkook wouldn’t let that affect him too much. He was too used to being haunted by horrific images and lingering echoes during his day. Hobi was here with him, so he knew he had nothing to worry about. So long as his hyungs were safe here with him, tangible, within reach, everything would be fine. He kissed Hobi’s forehead, knowing it was time for both of them to get up.Hobi let out a groggy moan.“Hyung-ie?” Jungkook cooed, trying to rouse Hobi. He leaned in until his cheek was resting on Hobi’s forehead. He squeeze him tightly again. “It’s time to get up.”
Past - Late August 2016
When a rival band debuted earlier this month, Jungkook didn’t quite know what to think of them. That was most likely because he’d incidentally never actually looked into their band. Though he was meant to check out the competition, the thought of having a band to look out for was a bit terrifying to Jungkook. For the longest time, they were lucky enough to be able to make a policy of ignoring other bands in order to focus on their own work and not let competition distract them from what really mattered - improving.When they finally had a hit on their hands and a couple of awards under their belt, things changed for BTS. Suddenly, competition reentered the conversation. They were meant to worry about what other male groups were doing. They were meant to study them and get what they could out of these observations. However, Jungkook couldn’t help avoiding the subject as best he could.Every time the first few notes of this band’s song played, he left before anyone could show him their video, or their faces, or even make him hear the lyrics. It was almost like he’d become afraid of the song.It was impossible to avoid it now that the band was performing on stage while Jungkook’s band prepared for their own stage. Unlike most shows, the one they were appearing on today didn’t put their bands in competition for the title of best song. In fact, they invited one other boy group and three girl groups to also perform today. Though he knew all the other groups, Jungkook still hadn’t seen the faces of this new band.When they were all gathered on the stage to shoot a pre-recorded segment of the show during the live commercial break, Jungkook finally saw them. One in particular caught his attention with his striking white hair and dark roots. This wasn’t the kind of look that usually captured Jungkook. He wasn’t really into bad boys - or anyone at all really. It’d been a while since he’d paid any attention to someone new.However, this one man was specifically catching his eye for so long that Jungkook didn’t even realize he was staring. His eyes travelling only because the shoot hadn’t started yet, Jungkook was still the only idol really daring to letting their eyes dare shoot in the direction of another group. Most idols kept to themselves, whether or not the cameras were on. Jungkook couldn’t help himself - he was still too young to learn his lesson.Besides, he wasn’t sure the power to look away was his. There was just something about this man’s face. It was so kind . He looked so kind. Jungkook didn’t even know that it was possible for anyone to look kind, much less for it to come so easily to someone who looked so tough because of his intimidating outfit and edgy hair.Yes, he was also handsome but that normally wasn’t enough to steal Jungkook’s attention. It was something about his eyes-Jungkook didn’t know how many seconds he’d been staring at the boy before the boy started staring back. However, it was the boy’s smirk that finally snapped him back to his senses.Immediately, Jungkook looked away and went back to dancing with his band once he moved out of the man’s field of view, hiding behind one of the girl groups. There was just something about that man’s beauty that made Jungkook a bit confused. His looks were the kind you had to really observe to compute and understand. He wanted to know more about that man’s kind face, he wanted to know why it radiated the warmth that it did under the hard exterior his company hid him under.Jungkook shook that thought away as Jimin moved closer to dance with him. It was a welcome distraction.
Past - August 2016 - Continuous
It wasn’t until they were filming the show’s final segment, a goodbye to the fans, that Jungkook ended up seeing the man again. At first, all Jungkook could tell was that someone was looking at him. The stare came from the direction that the same band from before was standing in, but that didn’t mean that Jungkook automatically assumed that he knew who it was. The idea that it could be the same guy didn’t even cross his mind. It wasn’t until he turned that Jungkook realized he was looking back at a familiar set of eyes. It was the man from before, staring in his direction. However, Jungkook knew who he was standing next to. Behind him was Taehyung, looking especially striking in the dark brown hair they had him in for this comeback. Jungkook couldn’t help immediately justifying the man’s stare by recalling that everyone would stare at Taehyung. Taehyung had that similar quality of beauty that made people fascinated. The average person meeting Taehyung for the first time often felt the need to look at him for a longer time than most. That often disturbed Tae. Unlike Jungkook’s best friend who didn’t take it so well, this other man had seemed flattered earlier that Jungkook had been staring.Right now, however, all Jungkook could think was that this man was definitely staring at his bandmate behind him because usually that was who everybody was looking at when they looked at the band - either Tae or Jin. The visuals.Meanwhile, Jungkook didn’t really think that he himself was anything to look at. In his opinion, he had been a dorky-looking child who hadn’t grown into his face yet when they debuted. Ever since, he hadn’t seen much of a change in his features other than a sharper jawline. He felt like he’d never grown out of those awkward teen years.The band tried to dispute this self-image by citing his plethora of fans. Though he’d pretend to agree with them, he believed that the fans had nothing to do with his looks. Often, people became fans of his because he was the youngest, which meant he got the youngest fans by default. That’s what Jungkook thought motivated his fans - a default.And maybe a few people who liked his voice.So he assumed most didn’t exactly think of his visual to be necessarily remarkable, especially when he was surrounded by other idols. Idols were some of the most beautiful people he’d ever seen. Among them, there were even more beautiful people who stood out in each band for their good looks. Jungkook didn’t see himself at the bottom of the barrel or anywhere close to being the least attractive, but he supposed the best way to express the sentiment to himself was to say he was maybe an 8/10 if you put him next to other idols or even just his own band.So being stared at by this man was simply not a possibility.Going back to watching the lights and seeing the crew members work, Jungkook ignored the stare he still felt was fixed in his direction. He didn’t find it surprising until Tae got distracted and moved away. Jungkook expected the eyes to follow his bandmate.Instead, they stayed on him.Growing nervous, Jungkook tried to resist turning his head. The man had to be staring for some other reason. Maybe he needed something. Sparing a glance in his direction at that thought, Jungkook’s curious gaze was met with a mischievous smirk.Jungkook’s eyes went wide. It was as though he couldn’t stop himself. His hand immediately gestured in his own direction as he pointed at himself. He wasn’t sure if he said it or mouthed it but either way this man understood the question Jungkook had asked: “me?”There was just an amused nod in reply, as if the man was processing how confused Jungkook seemed that anyone was paying attention to him. Realizing his silly gesture and the mortifying question he’d just asked, Jungkook straightened up immediately, trying to recover from his embarrassment. There was nothing less graceful that he could have done.A handsome man had been staring at him and the only thing Jungkook knew how to do was make a complete fool of himself.The sight of his amusement was so overwhelming, so intimidating, the vocalist could have sworned he heard himself “meep” as he looked away. The stare continued to burn into his side. When he glanced back again, he could see the man looked really amused with Jungkook’s antics. He felt so embarrassed. He wasn’t used to seeing anyone pay him so much mind or look at him in that way.It was so strange that he could be attracted to someone who was being dressed and styled to give off the impression that he was intimidating and standoffish. Nothing about his look made him seem approachable. Jungkook was ready to let the thoughts die there, citing this impression as being enough for him to reconsider his momentary infatuation.Then, as the camera crew confirmed that their last take was perfect, Jungkook saw a crack in this man’s hard shell when the shoot was declared as finished. One of the new band’s other members leapt forward to hug him in a move that put all of his weight on the man’s shoulders.“Hyung!” his bandmate called out as he continued to apply pressure. “Taeyong! Fearless leader! We did it!” Every word was practically its own exclamation. Jungkook just barely processed the part about Taeyong being their leader, unable to believe someone so young could be put in charge. He looked like he was Taehyung’s age. Jungkook couldn’t imagine Tae being in charge of anyone. Then again, Taehyung’s age was actually pretty standard age for the oldest in a band. Jungkook wondered if that definitely meant Taeyong was the oldest among them.Someone came and tapped Taeyong’s bandmate on the shoulder, leading to him getting his weight off Taeyong in order to turn to the other band member. Taeyong took his bandmate’s distracted state as an opportunity to get revenge for the playful move he’d just been on the receiving end of. Gripping his bandmate’s shoulders tight, he jumped until he was practically being carried in an involuntary piggyback by his bandmate.“Ahh!” his bandmate cried out as he quickly moved to secure Taeyong’s place on his back so that he wouldn’t fall.“What did I tell you about scaring me like that?” Taeyong said, his voice almost a bit whiny as though he really had been startled. The bandmate started turning slowly in a circle, making Jungkook wonder what he was doing until he saw Taeyong’s face wrinkle up. “Stop that, you know I get dizzy,” he complained. The bandmate continued. “As your leader and the man asking the managers for pizza tonight, you really shouldn’t be picking on me like this!” He and his bandmate laughed.Taeyong’s smile was blinding. It was just so bright. Jungkook had never seen anything like it before, especially not paired with the look in his eyes when they were crinkled because he was smiling so hard and laughing so much.Jungkook couldn’t help the warm smile on his face, only regretting his reaction when Taeyong saw him staring. He stopped laughing, though his bandmate distractedly continued. Meanwhile, Taeyong smirked again and playfully winked at Jungkook before turning his attention back to his bandmate.“Put me down, that’s an order,” he said finally in a serious voice that was countered in authority by his immature actions. Taeyong had started dragging his hands across his bandmate’s face to compel him to let him go.Jungkook ran for his band’s dressing room, not sure he could take more embarrassment if he was caught looking at him again.
Past - August 2016 - Continuous
Jungkook was confused as to when this entire day became about hoping not to look stupid in front of Taeyong again. Perhaps hopefully even for the rest of his life.As the band was getting undressed and ready to go home, the entire ordeal was haunting Jungkook. The thing about it was, it wasn’t just that he was nervous that Taeyong’s eyes were staring in his direction as if there was something to see. It was worse than that. According what Jungkook was beginning to understand about the interaction he’d just had, it was as though perhaps Taeyong had been checking him out.That really shook Jungkook to his core. This man was exactly the kind of person Jungkook was thinking about when he was referring to idols who were known for being particularly beautiful.Jungkook rarely felt attracted to anyone, but Taeyong’s eyes were magnetic. He was curious in a way he rarely ever was. He needed to talk to him again. Wandering the hallways between the dressing rooms at the studio, he was lucky enough to simply stumble in Taeyong’s path.Jungkook wanted to rethink whether lucky was the right way to describe how he was feeling, especially once Taeyong spotted him as he approached.“Did you need something, sorry?” Jungkook asked from a few feet away. He didn’t really know what else to think other than that all of the looks Taeyong had given him had something to do with a need rather than a curiosity or interest.Jungkook couldn’t help how weak his best alternative theory was: ‘Maybe he wants to be friends.’ It was naive to believe this, and Jungkook knew better than to invest in this idea. However, his only other alternative was to admit this beautiful man had taken an interest in him when they’d barely known each other.And that meant having to deal with that fact that, even though he had problems being attracted to people before knowing them very well, it took this man only a few minutes to capture his attention and have him completely distracted.Taeyong looked startled as if expecting that Jungkook’s word choice meant the vocalist was feeling confrontative.“I’m sorry if I offended you,” he said carefully, backing up a step before bowing his head. “I was playing around. I won’t do it aga-“One day, Jungkook would have to admit to himself that the gut reaction he had to stopping Taeyong from apologizing or saying that the interaction didn’t mean anything implied that Jungkook was already in too deep.“Hey - N-no, no, I’m not offended,” he said, his words failing him. “It was fine. I’m fine.” He looked for other words to say, only opening his mouth again when he thought he was ready to say something intelligent. This brain failed him. “I-it’s fine.”Jungkook couldn’t blame Taeyong for looking as confused as he did. The vocalist shot out his hand to offer to shake Taeyong’s.“Hi, I’m Jungkook,” he said, hoping that introducing himself would make this conversation less uncomfortable. Taeyong glanced at his hand and then looked fearfully at a man nearby. The man was turned away but Jungkook recognized the Bluetooth earpiece he was wearing as being the same kind that his band’s staff would wear. This stranger looked older than the band and much more serious, donning a nice suit that made him look very stiff.
A manager.
“I’m so sorr-” Jungkook took his hand back immediately. He realized in hindsight he should have seen this coming. Taeyong’s company had to be telling him the same story that Big Hit gave BTS. They were competition now.“I’m Taeyong,” he answered, cutting Jungkook off. He may have rejected the handshake but he didn’t seem opposed to talking to Jungkook at all. He nodded in the direction of the show stage. There, while it was bustling with crew members, everyone was too busy striking down the set to really worry about two idols running loose.Once they relocated, Taeyong sat on a speaker just tall enough to make a nice chair. Jungkook wished he had the kind of confidence to just make himself comfortable when facing a conversation with someone new. He just stood there, stiff as a board, waiting for Taeyong to decide how to continue the conversation.“I never said this but I loved your song today,” he noted suddenly.“What?” Jungkook asked, surprised that Taeyong already seemed so comfortable with him that he was saying things he probably shouldn’t.“That means don’t tell anyone else that I told you that,” the other idol explained patiently. He smiled a bit when he saw Jungkook tense up at the compliment. “Calm down. You’ll make people stare if you don’t act natural.”“I’m natural.”“Are you always this tense?” Taeyong asked, amused. Jungkook couldn’t help noticing he seemed just as shy about this encounter, even if he was much more bold with his actions. The shared nerves made Jungkook feel better, though.“No,” Jungkook answered honestly. Taeyong smiled warmly, the tough facade fading with each moment that passed.“You’re a main vocalist, right?” Taeyong asked. Jungkook nodded too quickly. “I’m jealous, I kind of miss singing.”“You don’t sing?”“I’m a rapper.” He chuckled a bit. “You didn’t watch our stage, did you?” He smiled fondly. “Did you even see our video?”Jungkook winced. “Sorry.” Taeyong broke into a fit of giggles. He looked shy all of a sudden.“No, I’m sorry. I have to tell the truth. When I said I liked your band’s song, what I meant was I felt really bad I’d napped through it.” Jungkook busted into a laugh.“Napped?”“Don’t look at me! We haven’t slept all night. Our managers have been driving us crazy over doing this appearance. I was dying , Jungkook. Please forgive me.”Jungkook hated how much he liked hearing Taeyong say his name.“Ah, I don’t have a good excuse for not seeing your video,” Jungkook said finally.“Make one up.”“Would you believe me if I said I didn’t want to know who our competition was?” It was risky to admit he thought they were competition but at the same time Jungkook felt like they were both dancing around the obvious. They were already hiding from their managers just to talk.“No,” Taeyong answered honestly. Jungkook was startled into silence. “I don’t buy it. You don’t seem like the type to hide from things. Your lie has to be believable.”“But it’s not a lie-“ Jungkook started, only to stop when Taeyong rolled his eyes. Then suddenly the leader smiled.“You? Scared? It’s not realistic to me. You’re too good at what you do.”“I thought you missed our stage,” Jungkook pointed out, trying to point out Taeyong’s dishonesty. Taeyong scoffed.“Unlike some people, I actually watch my competition’s videos. The ones that they worked so hard on ,” he enunciated the last few words, cheekily trying to guilt trip the younger man for not seeing any of his band’s work. Jungkook blushed.“Sorry.”“We should watch them together sometime. You can tell me how I did or something. One band’s center to another,” Taeyong proposed nervously, referring to their matching titles.“You’re a center too?”“And a dancer.”“Me too-““You really don’t think I know that?” Taeyong teased, effectively silencing Jungkook. “Anyway, was that a yes?” Jungkook nodded, trying to hide his excitement. The older man smiled before pressing his lips together in thought. “Um, do you have your phone?”Jungkook shook his head. Taeyong began to look around the set, suddenly dragging Jungkook along behind him by his wrist. Finally, he seemed to find what he wanted by the prop table, pulling open a small black marker and gently lifting Jungkook’s sleeve. Jungkook didn’t pull away in time but didn’t resist once it was too late.Luckily, Taeyong wrote his phone number pretty small.“What if my band sees?” Jungkook asked, nervous but surprisingly not upset at all. He felt a little giddy that he’d get to see Taeyong again.“Tell them a girl gave it to you,” he proposed. “It’s better than letting them know it’s mine, though. Don’t tell them.” Jungkook nodded, excited to keep this secret.“My band will make fun of me if they think it’s a girl,” Jungkook noted offhandedly. “They always tease me.”“Well, you are the maknae.”“Why do you know everything?” Jungkook asked nervously after a pause. The older man laughed. “I don’t know nearly as much about you.”“That’s your own fault,” the rapper reminded him. Though he was blushing, Jungkook couldn’t help becoming endeared by Taeyong’s laugh. “That’s why you’ll need to text me. Text me and I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”With that, Taeyong nodded at something behind Jungkook’s back.“You’re too distracting,” Taeyong accused him playfully. “You’re about to get me into trouble.”As Jungkook turned to see what Taeyong was looking at, he saw the same manager looking around the set. He was probably looking for Taeyong. The band must have been ready to leave by now. Turning back to Taeyong, Jungkook was surprised to see he was already gone.
Wow.
A very, very childish part of Jungkook wondered how long he could go without washing the number off. For some reason or another, he really wanted to carry that souvenir of this talk for as long as he could.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Flashback. Late 2016.
“It’s mine!” Jungkook cried out sharply as he wrestled Taeyong for the remote. Lying on the dorm’s longest couch, he was impressed the furniture was able to take a beating considering the way it held up as he and Taeyong mercilessly jabbed at each other's sides and weak spots as they fought to get a better grip on their target. Jungkook had been begging Taeyong to watch anything other than sports but the rapper betrayed his trust and left the wrong channel on for two entire minutes. Jungkook claimed he had no other choice but to confiscate the remote for the rest of the night, hoping that meant he could turn on a cooking show marathon and listen to the melodic chimes of Taeyong’s bored whining. Taeyong had other ideas. As the man finally found his place hovering just above Jungkook and stretching his arm out to take the remote as Jungkook held it at arm’s length behind his head, Jungkook didn’t even think about how this would look to a passerby. Lucky for them, it wasn’t a manager that caught them.When someone loudly cleared their throat nearby, Taeyong was the last who figured out how this looked, so focused on stealing the remote. Jungkook, however, froze up before he turned his head to see Ten, one of Taeyong’s bandmates and a new friend of Jungkook’s.Pulling a closed fist away from his lips, the short and angel-faced dancer was shamelessly making it very clear his little hem-hem had been intentional. This strange little voice in Jungkook’s head voiced discontent that they’d been interrupted since he was really enjoying their little exchange. However, it didn’t take much for his shyness to kick in and change his tune to something more grateful as he realized this could have been bad if anyone else had caught them. He didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.Not that anyone thinking he and Taeyong were together would be a necessarily bad thing. Taeyong was nothing short of perfect, even if that was inherently not a very platonic thing to say. Jungkook would be lucky to have someone like him….which was part of why Jungkook needed to go ahead and start liking Taeyong already. Telling himself to crush on Taeyong had become a strange, outright embarrassing quiet mantra Jungkook would repeat to himself. Not-so-quiet now, though, as the other members of NCT had caught Jungkook speaking these words to himself at least twice already.If Taeyong wasn’t directly told by now that Jungkook had said such things, and it really didn’t seem like he knew about it, then these other NCT boys were worthwhile, loyal friends he’d personally have to thank for refraining from spilling gossip that would force the singer to move to a different country and change his name.“You two are so annoying,” Ten complained fondly, before trying to change the subject as Taeyong blushed and got off Jungkook when it finally hit him why Jungkook and Ten both seemed so shy all of a sudden. “You guys need to stop hogging the TV. I only get an hour break during lunch and I’d rather not spend the time watching you guys ruin our new couch.”Jungkook accidentally caught Taeyong giving Ten a look warning him to stop talking, but he pretended not to notice. He could tell a long time ago that Taeyong was interested in him, even if the reason why was still a mystery to the maknae. Still, it was obvious that the rapper had a crush on him and for whatever reason was willing to wait for him to figure out how he was feeling. After all, Jungkook never addressed the matter but he made it pretty clear to Taeyong he wasn’t saying he was interested but he also wasn’t saying he wasn’t. Not yet.Taeyong never showed any signs of impatience. Even just in their little wrestling bout just now, the band leader never tried to push any boundaries or edge Jungkook any closer to his conclusion. Taeyong seemed willing to spend all the time in the world waiting for him.Why was that convincing enough to Jungkook that he was even pressuring himself to hurry up and like Taeyong already? It was as though he didn’t really get a say in his interests, though. If his experience with Yoongi was anything to go off of, he only got clued into his own feelings months after they began, only discovering them once he was in too deep to be able to function like a normal human being around someone. He had to wait to trip into falling for someone after spending enough time with them, as if his heart wanted to take its dear sweet time picking someone. It specifically wished to wait until Jungkook’s hands were tied to even inform him that he was having real feelings for anyone.“I’ll go make lunch-” Ten offered, clearly wanting to get out of there. Jungkook could see the exact moment Taeyong’s parental instincts kicked in. He was immediately distracted and thus oblivious to the fact that things were still awkward.“No, I’ll do it,” Taeyong ordered, words coming out like a demand rather than a statement. Leader voice . Jungkook had always wondered if that kind of thing was unique to Namjoon but he heard it in Taeyong all the time nowadays. Jungkook didn’t even need an explanation as to why Taeyong was volunteering. He preferred to cook meals for the group so that he could be sure they ate well despite their diet.Moments when this band talked about food distinctly reminded Jungkook he was so grateful Big Hit was less strict, but also wistfully reminded him of a certain hyung he had back home who was probably hungry right now and worrying entirely too much over not cheating his diet.Ten didn’t seem willing to stay until he saw Jungkook’s mood dampen the way it did. He purposefully stared at Jungkook until Jungkook looked him in the eyes. Then Ten smiled. “I’ll keep our favorite boy scout company. You’ve probably been boring him all day watching matches-”While Ten was right, Jungkook made a disgusted face at the nickname he used. Ten was really trying to get this entire band to make that nickname catch on but Jungkook hoped the other band members would never cave. Boy scout. The vocalist was never one to complain about their band name as he took a lot of pride in the group, but he had to admit that nickname was getting to him.As Taeyong left, the dancer happily ruffled his hair when he saw that the nickname successfully bothered Jungkook yet again.Ten and Jungkook didn’t have much to say to each other. Still practically strangers in every way except in how they’d treat and trust each other like close friends just on principle, the two of them still hadn’t learned how to carry a conversation by themselves. They were both pretty quiet by nature sometimes, even if other times they could be quite boisterous. Their more introverted sides liked to make their silences awkward. However, for a change, Ten had something to say today.“I’ve never seen him like that. Yeah, he’s a dork, but even then he maintains some sort of decorum.”“What do you mean?”“You two act like children around each other,” Ten explained. Jungkook blushed. “He must really like you.”“You think so?” Jungkook had no idea where that blatant hopefulness and anticipation in his voice had come from. He cleared his throat and tried to lean away again as he realized he’d leaned in a bit into Ten’s space just from his surprise.Ten didn’t look bothered, just exasperated. He was quiet for a really long time. When he finally spoke, Jungkook wondered whether he’d meant to keep the thought to himself from just how quiet he’d said the words: “Oh god, you’re both clueless.”Jungkook frowned. He wasn’t even going to pretend to not know what Ten meant. Sure, he had a pretty good idea about whether or not Taeyong was interested, but that didn’t mean Jungkook felt like it could be real . For someone who didn’t know what he wanted, Jungkook was pretty sure that he’d never needed anything more than for his instincts about Taeyong to be right. “So do you like him or not?” Ten asked finally. Jungkook was unsure of how to answer that.“Umm-”“You don’t have to tell me,” the dancer stopped himself as if worried he’d crossed a line. Jungkook was reminded suddenly that they really were strangers to each other. It just didn’t feel like things were that distant anymore. Ten was easy to trust. It was natural to immediately just want him around all the time. “That’s not- It’s not my business. Sorry, I shouldn’t have put it like that. I just mean -  If you don’t, you’re going to have to tell him at some point. You know that, right?”“I don’t know, Ten,” Jungkook admitted before he backtracked their entire progress as friends. It didn’t feel strange to him at all that Ten had gotten confrontative. He agreed with everything he had to say. Ten looked ready to back off the subject as if he thought he'd made Jungkook uncomfortable, so Jungkook continued. “I know it’s a little weird. I’m being honest. The truth is I’m just not the kind of person who knows these things.”Ten was clearly perplexed. “What do you mean?”“I can’t tell when I like people. I really don’t know sometimes. I’ve told myself I liked people in the past that it turns out I never did and when I really like someone, I don’t realize until I’m practically-” Jungkook was so close to saying ‘in love with them’ but he’d caught himself in time. “Too late. Until I’m too late. So I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel.”Ten considered this for a long time. Jungkook wondered if he’d freaked him out but Ten looked more comfortable than he did a few minutes ago. Finally, he spoke up just as Jungkook was gearing up to prompt an answer. “I had a friend like that.”“What?”“I had a friend like that. They said they couldn’t really feel anything for someone until they really got to know them. Couldn’t even find them attractive at all until they were close. Then it was like a dam breaking open for them once he felt attached to that other person. He said he wasn’t the only one too. Is that what it is?”A dam breaking was exactly how Jungkook would explain how being in love with Yoongi went. It was like he was protected from feeling anything and then suddenly he was vulnerable, in love, and out of control. He was flooded with emotions he didn’t really know what to do with when it was his first time ever feeling anything like that. The idea that this didn’t happen until the emotional attachment was there between him and the object of his affection sounded pretty accurate too.Jungkook just nodded. Clearly not phased or disturbed, Ten tried to tease him a bit about how all signs were pointing north with Taeyong, considering he and Jungkook could barely be in a room together without the maknae getting a stupid smile on his face, and pointing out that friends don’t blush when other friends say their name.However, Jungkook had stopped listening. His mind was rushing at the idea that there were other people like him. He wasn’t alone. Everything suddenly felt a bit better.
Present Day
“Are you even listening to me?” their newest manager demanded. Staring at the square shoulders of his suit jacket, it occured to Jungkook that he didn’t know when their managers started having to dress so corporate even just for day-to-day operations. Ever since this new manager arrived, Jungkook wasn’t so sure the suit wasn’t just the man’s second skin.The thoughts were ever so slightly mean-spirited but he supposed bullying the manager over his formal suits was Jungkook’s only power in this relationship. At least, it was ever since Jungkook was the first and only member of the band that knew exactly what this man had been brought to be in charge of. The transition team.All of the new staffers coming to the company suddenly made sense. Jungkook knew there were talks across the company about adding a new band to the company label. Finding out the truth made Jungkook wish the truth had been all along that a new band really was coming and that he just wouldn’t be the maknae of the company anymore. He longed for the truth to be as simple and painless as that.Today, Jungkook didn’t realize he’d reached a breaking point. With his other hyungs locking themselves in separate rooms ever since they came to work in the morning, he felt alone. Isolation was all he was starting to know in the daytime with everyone’s heads so in the clouds worrying about the hiatus and the next comeback.The silence made him think too much and too long on the impending doom that was falling upon Bangtan.Jungkook wasn’t so sure he was ready to have a breakdown, though, not until he’d guaranteed his fate by finally approaching a manager. Specifically, he approached their newest manager, the man who was a mystery to the rest of BTS. He was one of the scary ones that they liked to avoid, part of the group in charge of business decisions that they had to respect even when they usually hated them. It was this group of managers who originally brought Jungkook the news of what was really in store for the band’s future.The news came back when they were renegotiating contracts a few months ago. The managers had wanted to be “honest” with Jungkook when they negotiated his contract renewal, knowing that their arrangements for him were going to require new terms that they wanted to handle in advance.When the others told him they never had a private meeting requested for their contract negotiation, Jungkook should have suspected something nefarious was at play. After hearing what the managers had to say, the maknae was terrified upon realizing he’d left the band very curious to hear what the meeting was about. By this time, Jungkook had found out it was best for him not to share the real information he’d learned. Instead, he lied to them, promising them the personal meeting was just about the maknae relinquishing his title as center and loosening terms in his contract in order to allow more flexibility in the band and improve factors like line distribution for the members who got much less time per song than he tended to get.It was true that this was something the managers ended up doing, but taking away his title as a center had less to do with appeasing the others and more to do with freeing up more time for Jungkook to train for what really mattered to the company now -His solo career.Jungkook hated how he had to watch as the boys celebrated his decision as though he’d had a choice in the matter. Sure, he would have sacrificed the center title any day to make them happy. That day, though, after hearing the fate that was coming to them, the last thing Jungkook needed was to see them all smiling at him like they were proud of him or something.The company had decided it was time to face facts. Jin was reaching the age limit for his required enlistment in a little under a year. It wasn’t as simple as a default submission to the rule, the company had more than just enlisting Jin on their minds. They didn’t want to send just him when the time came after they were finished promoting this comeback. It was worse. They wanted to send anyone who couldn’t become a soloist in the meantime.Confirmed soloists they meant to keep so far?Jungkook. That was it.  The managers were undecided about anyone else staying. Taehyung and Jimin specifically had received votes of no confidence with the managers in charge of this plan as to whether they were prepared to handle a solo career by the end of this comeback season. Jungkook wasn’t even sure how they dreamed he was ready for any of this, but he was the only one all the managers had agreed on.“Jungkook?” the manager tried to snap him out of it again. Jungkook finally met his eyes. “We don’t have to go with that plan. I was just warning you.” It took Jungkook a few seconds to remember what the manager had said, what had caused him to become petrified and to drift off with his thoughts. “I was just saying if you can’t meet any of the goals we all agreed on, then maybe we could stand to benefit from just sending you as soon as possible so that you’re back just a few months after Jin leaves. Once we get you back and train you for a few months, maybe you’ll be better prepared at that time. Then we’ll send the rest of the band to join Jin. Better plan?”Jungkook didn’t think no was a strong enough answer. He was hardly ready to say goodbye to his hyungs in under a year, much less was he ready to just leave out of the blue now.Even though it was just a suggestion - and basically a threat - Jungkook couldn’t help how obsessed his mind became with the idea just out of fear.“Please, anything but that,” he breathed out gravely, not sensing how unstable he was becoming. The manager didn’t notice either, not until there were tears streaming down Jungkook’s face. His chair creaked as it shook from his heavy sobs. It took the manager a second to look up from the binder in his hands, but Jungkook didn’t realize anything was wrong until the manager saw him first, saw his reaction.“Jungkook, are you okay?” he asked seriously. Jungkook nodded though he was choking on a sob. He could feel tears falling from his face into his hands. Looking down, he couldn’t even believe he was crying. He just couldn’t feel it. “Don’t cry, Jungkook,” the manager pleaded, clearly concerned for his wellbeing. That was a bit of a relief to discover, Jungkook found, always having wondered if this man just saw them as chess pieces. In this moment, he was clearly seeing Jungkook as a person.A broken person, but a person nonetheless.Jungkook was so inconsolable that the manager shut the blinds of the conference room shutters and called Sejin asking for him to send someone. Jungkook didn’t know what he meant by ‘someone’ until he was being greeted by a stranger who referred to himself as a doctor when they introduced themselves, though Jungkook missed his name entirely.The doctor promised him that, despite his fears, the maknae would likely be alright. He was having an episode, clearly, but the doctor seemed very sure this fit would only last at most an hour longer. Sejin and the new manager were standing guard at the door. Sejin was tentatively watching him and the doctor from inside the room as the other manager guarded the outside. Jungkook could’ve sworn he heard them shoo away a few of the band members when they came too close. He supposed that meant they weren’t willing to tell them what was going on.That made sense considering even Jungkook was afraid to tell them what was coming to them. The idea of being sent away immediately had really shaken Jungkook to his core considering he’d braced himself for having a few months to memorize his hyungs before they had to leave. He intended to imprint them on his mind so that maybe he’d have a part of them when they were gone.All of this stress made him feel like he was waiting for death. This impending doom had crushed the spirit out of him.Jungkook was a grown man. It was unheard of for anyone to be able to make him cry. Not only was he steely and hardened by years of thriving in a difficult and trying industry, but he was built to endure. He’d been through forms of stress that were too much for anyone at his age to handle. He didn’t just survive - he excelled. Nothing could get him down. It was impossible to overwhelm Jeon Jungkook to the point of making him collapse into himself.Yet here he was, sitting in a conference room chair, sobbing like a child and begging for the managers’ attention only to beg them to change their mind. Saying he can’t handle it. Pleading with them. Claiming this was just too much for one person to endure.His entire world was collapsing around him and he couldn’t see a way out. There was no other solution but to do as he was told and continue keeping his secret. Keeping up a good face for the fans, for his hyungs, for his sanity.As another one of his hyungs was shooed away from the door while they were asking if anyone had seen Jungkook anywhere, Jungkook couldn’t help mourning the hyungs’ loss already. He wondered whether they’d understand just how much he didn’t know how to live without them. This life he lived with them at his side was all he could remember about his life because it was all that meant anything to him.
Past - Early 2017
Jungkook and Taeyong had been hanging out for the better portion of two months when the dates started. Taeyong had no intention of speeding up their progress, Jungkook noticed. He seemed ready to wait forever for Jungkook to catch up with him and decide how he felt. Maybe that was what pushed Jungkook to trust him so readily. That was probably what forced his emotional attachment to Taeyong to surge in intensity the way it did.Jungkook first kissed Taeyong about two months ago but all they’d done was kiss. Even now, Taeyong usually liked to let Jungkook initiate so he could avoid pushing him too far. They hadn’t even talked about relationships yet because Taeyong could tell it made Jungkook nervous.However, he just couldn’t tell Jungkook was actually nervous for all the right reasons.Jungkook got more and more confident with each kiss. It was to the point where, whenever they went very far, Taeyong checked in with him to make sure he didn’t feel like he was being pressured or rushed. Those conversations alone about Jungkook’s comfort level made Taeyong the most attractive Jungkook had ever found him.They were celebrating his birthday alone together. His band was in the middle of preparing for a new comeback. While his managers gave him the day off and free rein over what to do with his time off, as he put it, it was a ‘no-brainer’ that his first instinct was to want to spend the entire day alone with Jungkook. If you’re okay with that, he’d said.At the time, Jungkook rolled his eyes before covering Taeyong in kisses and announcing that they’d find a way to make it the best birthday he’d ever had.Taeyong was the only one in his band allowed to skip, but still he didn’t seem so upset about it, seeming certain they’d find the time to celebrate. For now, he seemed happy to have this time with Jungkook, considering it was so hard for them to find a way to be alone.Once it was dark enough outside, Taeyong and Jungkook agreed on the impulse to go visit a playground near the restaurant they were leaving after their romantic dinner there. Considering they were unlikely to be noticed as idols with how dark it was, they figured no one would get close to them.Like lovesick fools, they ended up challenging each other the entire time. They tested who could swing the highest, who could hold onto a pole the longest, who could do the obstacle course the fastest, and who could stay on the roundabout without getting sick. They had way too much fun with this, to the point where they both ended up talking about how they really needed to grow up one day.“Even if the managers are right and I’m living in my own little world, I’m glad you’re here with me,” Taeyong had said.Jungkook had to change the subject or he was sure his heart would burst over the smile that Taeyong was giving him. Pulling sparklers out of his backpack and sharing one with Taeyong, they quickly got around to understanding how to use them.After they spent too much time having fun with those, Taeyong and Jungkook’s last sparklers finally went out. With their surroundings having been so bright for so long because of the sparklers, the dark was even more prominent when their lights disappeared.“It’s too dark now. I can’t see,” Taeyong complained jokingly. Reaching out, Jungkook found Taeyong’s wrist. Sliding his hand up Taeyong’s arm and placing it at his shoulder, he was happy he’d been able to find exactly where he was. It was the exact opportunity he needed to be smooth.“Good,” Jungkook teased before pulling their lips together. He guided them behind a tree nearby so they could hide as they kissed. While Taeyong let this continue for a minute, he finally pulled away and whispered in Jungkook’s ear.“We can’t do this here,” Taeyong reminded Jungkook gently. They were still out in the open. Even if it was dark and no one knew who they were, they were taking a risk and Taeyong didn’t like risks.Once his eyes adjusted and he was sure Taeyong could see him in the dark again, Jungkook smiled innocently at him. Just as Taeyong mirrored the smile, he took a bit of joy in just how much he was going to surprise this man.“Take me back to your dorm,” Jungkook suggested. Taeyong didn’t seem to understand exactly what he was saying.“I don’t think we can make another stop tonight,” Taeyong lamented, checking his phone for the time and sighing. “Aren’t your managers expecting you home by now?”“I told them I was visiting someone so I wasn’t coming home until very late tonight,” Jungkook answered. Taeyong was surprised, clearly trying to find a reasonable explanation for Jungkook’s choice. Normally, they agreed to always return to their managers before curfew to avoid making them suspicious of their ‘friendship’.“Why?” Taeyong asked when he couldn’t figure out an answer.“It just seems like a good time to stay out late. No one’s home,” he started dropping hints. “Your managers are all at the headquarters. They gave you free reign tonight. There’d be no one home to find us.” Taeyong wasn’t getting it yet. “There’d be no one to catch us.” The idea was finally occurring to a very doubtful Taeyong. He seemed to be in disbelief. “Seems like a good time for some privacy.”It may have been dark, but Jungkook could tell Taeyong had gotten the message. “Are you sure, Kookie?” Taeyong asked, clearly trying to keep from getting his hopes up.“Only if you’re okay with that,” Jungkook echoed his words from back when he’d first invited him to spend the day together. The singer didn’t let any of his doubts surface. It wasn’t the day to be letting fear hold him back, not when he finally knew exactly what he wanted. Taeyong surprised him with a kiss, fearless despite the concerns he’d expressed before about being out in the open. Jungkook couldn’t help giggling a bit. “Happy birthday, baby.”Present Day Jungkook and the managers agreed upon letting Jungkook show his face at work just so that no one would get suspicious. His job today was to make his rounds, say hellos and goodbyes, and then leave before he could provoke another panic episode that would require them to take action again. The last thing any of them wanted was for the band to find out.As he turned the corner onto the rehearsal room floor, Taehyung seemed very determined as he approached Jungkook with a kind of intent that made the maknae nervous that this would be about the previous night. He deserved to be confronted for that behavior, considering Taehyung didn’t know just how desperate Jungkook was to have company due to his nightmares.However, Jungkook had his phone clutched in his phone as he prepared to ignore another call from Taeyong. While ignoring the call was just his standard reaction lately and had nothing to do with Taehyung, this time he felt an ounce of regret as he pressed the ignore button. To be honest, it wasn’t just that he was ignoring him. It was very significant to the maknae that he was cancelling on a call with Taeyong for the sake of a conversation with Tae.Jungkook panicked a bit at the sudden understanding that he really didn’t have the right to be the one to be avoiding Taeyong. Whatever Taeyong wanted - an emotional punching bag, a shoulder to cry on, a reconciliation, Jungkook owed him the time to try and give him that. Taeyong deserved anything he was looking for after the way Jungkook treated him.Cutting right to the chase, Taehyung made Jungkook realize that just in the formal tone he set the conversation at was evidence enough that Taehyung really did find their interaction overnight weird and uncomfortable. Jungkook wondered if he would just let it go but he could tell they were a long ways from getting over that incident any time soon.“We owe Yoongi an apology.” The words surprised Jungkook. He wondered what Taehyung knew about the state his relationship with Yoongi was in.“What?”“Yoongi was talking to Naeun when we found him because he was having a panic attack or somet-“ Jungkook didn’t even let him finish. “Shit,” he sighed out, rethinking that entire scene. He’d been so cold with Yoongi at the time, refusing to even look at him. If he’d spared so much as a glance, he would have been able to tell something was wrong. Instead, he assumed his hyung was flirting and let Tae berate Yoongi as Jungkook pretended he wasn’t hurt or jealous. A panic attack. Jungkook felt sick to his stomach that they’d failed him when he needed them. Worse, they hurt him even more. He thought back to all this trouble they caused over Naeun when they announced her to the band. “We really messed up,” Jungkook lamented finally.Tae just nodded in agreement. “We have to fix this somehow.”“We’re out of luck, Tae,” Jungkook explained cautiously, hoping he wouldn’t ask for any more details than what he could give. “Yoongi isn’t really talking to me right now.”“Me either,” Tae admitted. Jungkook paused for a second. His curiosity must have been written all over his face in such a way that it provoked an eye roll from Taehyung. Before he could ask for more information, Tae was quick to remind him why he shouldn’t. “It’s none of your business.”Fair enough.In a way, Jungkook hoped they’d conclude this talk by mutually agreeing to firstly try to come up with something later when Yoongi wasn’t ignoring them, and also that they would never talk about Jungkook sleeping in Tae’s room again.Before he could propose these ideas, Tae got straight to the point of what he wanted to mention next.“Why did you come to my room last night?” he asked stiffly, as if bracing himself for an impact.“I told you I had trouble sleeping,” Jungkook repeated himself. Taehyung shook his head in disbelief.“Don’t lie to me right now. You owe me an explanation.”“It’s the truth.”“You had trouble sleeping and you would rather come to me than to wake someone else up? Are you kidding, Jungkook?” Tae asked. Jungkook could tell by his tone that he’d really crossed a line here. He could sense that Taehyung was disturbed. He didn’t even seem comfortable standing there with him, but he held his ground very well.“I really am sorry,” Jungkook apologized sincerely, hoping Taehyung would keep a grip on himself. If Taehyung got overwhelmed or upset, Jungkook wasn’t sure he’d know how to help him without making things worse.“Don’t do it again,” Tae said finally, his voice not aggressive but stable.“Of course,” Jungkook agreed. “Won’t happen again.” Tae seemed ready to leave it at that but Jungkook felt the need to say more.The maknae stopped Taehyung before he could leave. “You could have said no, but you didn’t,” Jungkook pointed out. “I really needed it. I really needed someone’s help. Thank you.”“You didn’t look well,” Taehyung explained himself, as they both knew it was out of character for him to allow Jungkook any leeway with their boundaries. “I’m still your hyung, Jungkook. I wasn’t going to just turn you away. You should know that.”Just like that, Jungkook needed nothing more than to leave. The words struck a chord with Jungkook that he didn’t think would hurt so much. It reminded him of something Yoongi would say and it struck the fear in him that he’d lose Yoongi the way he’d lost Taehyung. They were still brothers, they were still friends, but all of that old trust between them was just gone and it was all his fault.
Past Mid-2017
In this industry, interviewers weren't supposed to push the envelope.At least not BTS's interviewers. Not after everything they'd worked for. The band had done the awkward rounds already. They weren't rookies anymore, they were hit-makers now. They expected to be treated better. Even if they were nobodies, there were rules.Especially in mainstream media, these interviewers were expected to serve a specific set of rules if they expected to ever be sent another idol ever again. An interviewer could not ask about girlfriends. An interviewer could not ask about idol dating rumors. An interviewer could not ask about their sexual orientation. An interviewer could not ask about their sasaengs. An interviewer could not discuss fandom shipping.These weren't unreasonable things to be asked to refrain from doing. Sparing idols these questions was the least the media could do for celebrities who had to sacrifice so much of their personal lives just so people like these interviewers have something to write about and a job to pay the bills. The media thrived on keeping these idols' personal lives hidden as best they could in order to keep from destroying those idols entire careers, entire lives in some cases.So how Bangtan ended up sat in a studio in front of multiple cameras only to be asked if there was any validity to the Vkook shipping craze among their fans, Big Hit begged for an answer.The company had never gone out for the blood the way it did this day. While Sejin tried his best to frame it for Tae and Jungkook that the company was just determined to protect them from such horrible practices, the two of them knew the truth about what was happening - they'd messed everything up. They'd ruined the band on camera. The band's downfall would be broadcasted on TVs across Korea within the next 24 hours, all because Jungkook and Taehyung had failed their hyungs.All Jungkook and Tae could do about it was hide from the world as they waited to hear about whether Big Hit managed to stop the episode from being broadcasted. Until they succeeded, nothing would placate the two of them as they worried the band with their reactions. They wouldn't move. They wouldn't sleep. They wouldn't eat. Jungkook was practically catatonic, just unresponsive to the world around him, petrified with fear. Tae was lost in a fog of emotional duress. He was crying in some moments, screaming in others, and often completely disoriented. It wasn't long before the managers rightfully decided to have them treated for shock.Most noticeably, they couldn't so much as be in the same room together or all of their symptoms would just intensify as they both crumbled to dust over the raw guilt they felt.The hyungs could only watch the two maknaes deteriorate as their managers worked hard to shut the interview’s broadcasting down. They couldn’t have expected something like this ever happening to them, but seeing Jungkook and Tae’s reaction made them all realize how they should have foreseen the pair’s inability to cope.While they were adults now, Jungkook and Tae stayed fragile when it came to the kind of trauma they experienced at a young age. From the moment their close friendship made itself known to their fans, everything they did together was psychoanalyzed, speculated over, praised or worse, criticized. While Tae was too young for unhealthy attention like that, Jungkook was especially too young at the age of 15 to be harassed, mortified, and dehumanized by fans who thought it was more important to voice their beliefs about him and Tae as though letting their fantasies haunt him at night was worth it to them, so long as they got to feel important for ‘knowing the truth’.The boys needed to go to therapy for many reasons when they had lives like theirs. There were just times in the past they each needed help and were able to reach out and ask to be supported. This was unfortunately one of those reasons. Tae and Jungkook were lucky enough that at the time their private friendship had never suffered from these antics, only their public actions.It was no surprise to any of the members that the way they were treated during that interview took them back to that headspace.It wasn’t just what the interviewers asked about the ship itself. It was how they asked. The entire exchange was set up to blindside Tae and Jungkook. The questions came fast. It went from being about shipping to being about what the boys did to provoke the shipping. Then it became about their actual relationship and whether it was fair to say they had an abnormal or ‘special’ friendship. It became their fault the shippers existed. They got talked at as though they provoked the fans to behave this way, as though their affection was bait for the band’s success. They were mocked and laughed at with examples and so-called ‘evidence’ that their relationship set off all the speculation.The members felt worthless for being unable to stop it all in time. Once the two of them could finally get some rest after the managers got them sleeping aids, the members called every idol they knew to tell them an abridged version of the day’s events. Big Hit was just one company, but no company would allow their idols to be treated such a way. This was one thing, the boys discovered, that all of the major companies could stand together on.The problem was solved before the pair could wake up from their deep, medically-aided sleep.At least, as far as Big Hit was concerned, the problem was over. They shut the interview down. Those interviewers would never work again in this business. People were being held accountable. As per Yoongi’s very spiteful suggestion, the band was reminded they would sue whoever they had to in order for people to be held responsible for what happened.None of that really mattered to the two maknaes who failed for days to so much as make eye contact with each other.The band noticed immediately, but there was little they could do as days passed as this behavior continued. It became something the boys had to accept would continue. They had no expectation that this would go on forever, so they all tried their best to let the two friends figure things out on their own.Try as they did to never abandon their sides, the day came where the other five were called to work while the other two were left with more time to recover - with the expectation being set that they could recover alone.Tae was content to suffer silently while he waited for his hyungs to come home so they could continue to keep him company. However, the band’s true maknae only lasted a few hours before all of his paranoia finally came to a head. Tae could hear the thuds coming from Jungkook’s room. He immediately ran over.Arriving at Jungkook’s room just in time to catch the maknae throwing random things around his room without discrimination or thought to the damage that could be done or the harm caused, Tae recognized the frenzy as mirroring one of the fits he had while he was in shock. He stopped Jungkook simply by forcefully wrapping his arms around the younger man and holding on as tight as he could.Jungkook was stronger so Tae had to really fight to keep the upper hand, but eventually the maknae calmed. Observing the damage done, they were just grateful nothing heavy or sharp had gone flying, as his room and furniture were virtually unharmed in the incident.The maknae was miserable over his own lack of self-control but Taehyung didn’t leave him to crumble by himself. Never letting go of the maknae, Taehyung pulled Jungkook into his bed and held him the way he knew helped Jungkook sleep. The way he used to do when the maknae was just a young teen crying because he missed his mother in the few times he’d grown to resent trainee life or the moments where he regretted his choice.Things were always better in the morning, so Taehyung knew just to get Jungkook to sleep on his anxieties and allow exhaustion to take over. The maknae struggled, but he eventually gave in to the comfort.They were attached to each other the rest of the day, skipping a meal in favor of just not leaving this embrace where they’d found calm and escaped the phobia of each other that they’d been festering in their minds. They were wordlessly being reminded of how much they meant to each other and how nothing was worth losing that connection.Soon their resting embrace became something much more aggressively affectionate as the two of them began seeking comfort in just their skin touching and feeling of being held tight against each other. As they talked about what they’d missed of each other’s lives the past few days, Tae listened intently to Jungkook’s stories of the many card games Jimin always lost and Namjoon always won while they were in his room trying to entertain him. Tae only interrupted once to tell Kookie that he’d missed him. When exactly that translated to the kiss that came minutes later, the two of them would soon spend days trying to understand. The truth was, who kissed who, why, when, it was all lost as they both forgot themselves in that kiss.They kissed until the rest of the band came home. Upon hearing them, instead of splitting up, they simply parted and looked into each other’s eyes before smiling. Jungkook waited to see what Taehyung would do but his hyung simply pulled him in and hugged him tightly into his chest. The hold made Jungkook feel like he was small all over again, like no time had passed since they met, but it also made him feel protected.As much as Jungkook would find ways to blame the trauma from the interview, it was cause for concern that his boyfriend Taeyong didn’t cross his mind that entire night he spent shamelessly wrapped in his hyung’s arms.
Present Day
“If anyone should be ignoring anyone,” was the first half of one of the texts that Taeyong had just sent Jungkook. The vocalist was glad he couldn’t read the rest. The reminder that he didn’t have a right to do this kind of thing to Taeyong was one that really burned its way into the front of his mind. Feeling guilty about his past mistakes, he couldn’t help it when his thoughts drifted back to kissing Yoongi’s neck the one morning they woke up in his bed together. While at the time it didn’t quite occur to him what move he was mimicking, it was coming to mind now.Hobi.Hobi always kissed his neck so sweetly that way and lingered long enough during said kisses that Jungkook couldn’t help reacting to them very strongly. From the look on Yoongi’s face that day, Jungkook was right to think that the seemingly platonic gesture would help communicate something more significant to his hyung.Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure Yoongi was able to receive the message completely before Jungkook found a way to ruin things between them by lying about turning to Hobi for help instead. His intention had never been to replace Yoongi with Hobi. However, he had to admit that was close enough to his real intent. After catching Yoongi crying while clutching Taehyung’s image on his phone, Jungkook knew exactly who Yoongi was so distracted by all day when Jungkook caught him thinking too deeply or smiling too fondly to himself.He’d felt that way about Taehyung once; he knew what that looked like.When Yoongi made an appearance at headquarters, Jungkook was too emotionally drained to feel anything about the change of Yoongi’s hair. Barely registering the change, his mind floated to thoughts about whether or not Yoongi would forgive him before it was time for him to enlist.Jungkook nearly made himself gag. The anxiety was stirring his stomach too much; so he just decided it wasn’t worth sticking around as the others gathered over Yoongi’s hair. Pulling away from the group immediately, he hurried out into the hall, hoping he’d reach a stall in time before he threw up.
Past. Mid 2017.
That kiss was just the first of a series of incidents that occurred a few times a week, just whenever Jungkook and Taehyung could find some time alone together. That was just counting real encounters, disregarding the many fantasies Jungkook found himself having for his hyung. They were frequent enough that it was hard for the maknae to think of a time where the older man wasn’t flooding his mind. Right now, Jungkook was regretting just how small a role he’d given Taehyung’s hands in the fantasies that he used to get off when Taehyung couldn’t join him overnight. Seeing them at work now, Jungkook realized he had been missing out on some amazing daydreams about those long, graceful fingers that always roamed his body so effortlessly whenever Taehyung was in control.If Jungkook wasn’t busy pinning his arms above his head and fighting for dominance, Taehyung was pretty shameless about how much he wanted to touch the maknae wherever he pleased while he was in charge. Watching Tae’s hands at work made Jungkook even more sensitive to his touch. He didn’t get to watch Tae play with the bottom of his shirt as his hyung pressed their lips together in a slow, taunting kiss that made Jungkook whiny despite how little he was being teased. Taehyung had just barely started with him.Only parting the kiss to peel Jungkook’s shirt off, Taehyung returned to their kiss as if he was living off the goosebumps it caused. Even when Tae did speak to him, the words came in little mumbles against his lips. Often Tae was just calling him little nicknames or praising him the way he didn’t know he’d like so much. As always, it took almost no time at all for Jungkook to begin to worry they were going too far starting something they weren’t going to finish.Especially considering how Tae would tease him with light kisses while his body got manhandled in Taehyung’s desire to touch every inch of his skin that he could get away with. His hyung was more daring every time they tried this. Jungkook couldn’t tell the difference between up from down once Taehyung had latched his kiss onto his neck the way he did.As much as Kookie could tell Tae was moving fast, he didn’t realize the path he was taking until Tae was very pointedly trailing kisses down his bare stomach. By the time Jungkook came to his senses, he could only wondered if Tae was serious about this. Watching Tae’s elegant fingers unbutton his pants certainly gave him the answer he was looking for. Truth be told, Jungkook had no idea what he was thinking when the words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them.“I’m dating someone,” he admitted suddenly before his eyes grew wide as Taehyung stopped and turned to look at him. The fear in their own eyes mirrored the same amount of fear they could gauge in each other. Jungkook said all he could say. “He doesn’t know about this.”Jungkook didn’t know what reaction he was expecting, but he was certainly startled when Taehyung found his shirt on the floor on the opposite side of the room. He aggressively threw it to Jungkook before entering his bathroom and slamming the door loudly. The maknae heard the shower turn on immediately. Just like that, Jungkook understood Taehyung’s exact orders. He couldn’t be there when Tae came back. He had to leave and he wouldn’t be invited back.As he tried his best not to react until he reached his room, he’d started crying the moment he heard Tae’s own silent cries coming out of the bathroom. The shower didn’t drown Tae out as much as he clearly thought it did. Jungkook would be lying to say he didn’t cry for nights after when he realized he and Taehyung weren’t talking anymore. Tae wouldn’t even treat him like a friend at first. Even when things got better, Jungkook cried again one more time months later when he realized things between them had stopped improving and they weren’t anywhere near where they started. Taehyung was pretty clear about being a loyal hyung to Jungkook and taking care of the maknae when it was necessary, but they weren’t able to be left alone anymore without a long, telling silence falling between them.Tae would never have to admit it. Jungkook knew what he’d done. He’d thoughtlessly broken Tae’s heart when Tae was at his most vulnerable with him. Tae was never going to trust him again.When Jungkook finally told Taeyong about the affair with Taehyung, he had expected it would be the end for them. As horrible as it was seeing his boyfriend cry like that, like he’d lost everything and as if he was the one to blame, Jungkook couldn’t help the selfish happiness he felt about not losing Taeyong completely.Taeyong didn’t even ask him to stay away from Taehyung or meet any new standards to earn his trust back. He seemed entirely too afraid to talk about the issue at all. Jungkook regretted giving Taeyong the impression that he was to blame for any of the cheating, but confronting difficult topics was not Jungkook’s strong suit. He didn’t know how he’d ever bring it up without losing Taeyong just over the reminder of the mistake he’d made.Even though he’d initially pushed Jungkook away, it was only a month before Taeyong was willing to sleep with him again. It didn’t take the vocalist long to figure out why. With the strange relationship that Jungkook had with sexual attraction, one thing was clear: he could only sleep with someone he had a deep emotional connection with.Taeyong seemed to believe that as long as they could still be intimate, he’d know he still had a place in Jungkook’s heart and a chance at saving their relationship.Jungkook wished he knew how to tell Taeyong their sex life wasn’t going to be a good meter to measure the success of their relationship on. Before he’d ever told Taeyong about the affair, Jungkook had lost interest in their sexual relationship already. As uncomfortable as he found it and as damaging as it was to his state of mind, Jungkook had learned to endure each sexual encounter and come out letting Taeyong believe nothing had changed.Truth was, Jungkook was too afraid of speaking about moving on with Taeyong. It had gotten to the point where he’d learned to fantasize about other men whenever he was with him in the hopes that maintaining the lie would save their relationship. Realizing how much it reassured Taeyong only made things worse, Jungkook realized, as he began to use sex as a way to bandage every single issue they’d ever had.And his recently rekindled interest in Yoongi was enough fodder to get Jungkook through sex with Taeyong, just enough to really convince Taeyong that all was right with the world again.
Present Day
Jungkook wasn’t sure when an unhealthy sex life with Taeyong translated to having an equally uncomfortable dynamic when alone, but here he was thinking of all the wrong people as he tried to get off at home before the rest of the band came home. It was the first time he was willing to admit just who came to mind when he was taking some private time. It didn’t always used to take form of someone he really knew. Ever since his affair with Taehyung had started, though, Jungkook just couldn’t get off alone anymore without memories and fantasies to play in his head while he got off to the idea of someone specific.As of late that hyung had re-entered his fantasies, which only got complicated after Jungkook found Yoongi crying over him just a few days later. It’d done nothing to discontinue his attraction, however.But the real shocker was his newest fantasies about a different hyung entirely.Hoseok had popped into his mind at some point after Jungkook had started sleeping over at his place. Jungkook reassured himself at first that this had to be natural and was only about how they were sharing an intimate space lately. However, the fantasies took on minds of their own whenever Jungkook was too far into them to clear his mind.Sleeping in the same bed with Hobi was proving itself similarly sexually frustrating the way it was with Yoongi, even if it was more subtle and more one-sided. Though he didn't acknowledge it, Hobi stopped accidentally coming to mind and became a permanent feature of the image he conjured from the very beginning.He couldn’t stop the frustrating images of his hyung doing as he always did, climbing over his body on the bed, resting all of his weight onto Jungkook, occasionally straddling him and wrapping his legs around one of Jungkook’s legs. These very real occurrences with Hoseok turned into conjured imaginings of getting wet sloppy kisses from his hyung, trailing down his neck where Hobi’s kisses always tease him in real life.Maybe it was innocent on Hoseok’s part but Jungkook couldn’t help getting more and more riled up each time just imagining how Hobi would kiss him the way neither Tae nor Yoongi would, rough and-Jungkook cut his thoughts off there and decided to take a cold shower instead to relieve his tension.This cycle was getting exhausting. He’d regretfully figured out by now why his crush on Yoongi always rescued him from himself in the worst of times. His love for Yoongi became an escape from most hardships in his life. Whether it be the loneliness of trainee years, or troubles with Taeyong, or this military stuff, Jungkook used the idea of Yoongi to resemble the idea that things could always get better.He didn't want to think about how unhealthy and unfair that really was. He at least tried to put some space between them after seeing Yoongi cry over Tae when he decided to ask Hobi for help. As upset as Yoongi was about feeling replaced, Jungkook wasn’t sure it was a mistake to have done so.Jungkook finished his shower just wishing things could be different. In trying to get over Yoongi, it all ended up in Yoongi pushing him away just when Jungkook finally had what he truly wanted. Taehyung never found a way to forgive him, so Jungkook knew better than to expect Yoongi ever would.With how well things were going, Jungkook wondered to himself how many of his hyungs would still be talking to him by the time they had to enlist.
Flashback. Early Summer 2018.
“This break will be good for us. Maybe you’ll calm down a bit. Or snap out of it. Or maybe figure out by now that you’re clearly in love with someone else and you’re just making me look like an idiot. Who knows, Jungkook? Who knows what’s going on with you? Just call me when you figure it out… Or just do what you always do and forget I exist for a while. I’ll be back in a month." While he repeated these words in his head ever since Taeyong had said them to him, Jungkook always failed to remember the part where Taeyong had said he loved him, that he wanted things to work out, that he forgave Jungkook already, and that he didn’t want things to end like this.No, what mattered to Jungkook were these accusations. After all, Jungkook knew exactly who Taeyong meant. Yoongi. Maybe Taeyong suspected it was still Taehyung keeping Jungkook’s attention, considering he never seemed to believe Jungkook about how his hyung avoided him like the plague nowadays. Taeyong wasn’t wrong about Jungkook’s attention being elsewhere, focused on anything but repairing their relationship, focused on obsessing over any time of day that Yoongi would give him.However, Jungkook couldn’t help the irrational thought that Taeyong had no right to accuse him of having an emotional affair when Taeyong was out there following up every new little solo act with another opportunity arriving at his doorstep to work with yet another always-gorgeous, always-flawless soloist who wanted Taeyong to guest appear on their track and then come to their performances. Jungkook could only imagine just how Taeyong was meeting so many soloists who were so interested in collaborating with him and having a special number with him, insisting on spending time alone with him. Taeyong insisted it was all SM’s doing but the singer wouldn’t hear it. There had to be more to it. Jungkook didn’t have any evidence, but it was just a feeling.No one just let affairs go like that. Normal people sought out revenge. Taeyong had to be planning to make a fool out of him, no matter how much Jungkook said he was sorry. The singer knew he’d deserve it, deserve being cheated on, but it didn’t stop him from obsessing over whether his beliefs were true or not. He wasn’t even sure he’d leave Taeyong for cheating, but the idea of it was haunting his nightmares and sometimes even his waking hours with nothing but the idea of losing the man he loved to another person.Particularly when he’d already lost Taehyung along the way.Now that Taeyong’s band was having a short tour, they’d been spending some time apart. Taeyong had said that the time would be good for them considering his strange behavior lately. Truth be told, that only made the maknae more suspicious. Jungkook’s paranoia only worsened with time. It’d been three weeks since Taeyong left, one month since the day of his birthday. Those were too many days with these poisonous thoughts rotting at his brain.When another collaboration with Taeyong was announced, Jungkook didn’t even bother asking who the collaboration was with. He just picked up the phone. When Taeyong picked up, seeming pleasantly surprised Jungkook was checking in, it sounded like he was smiling in the way that Jungkook could practically imagine. The way Taeyong would glow just smiling over something nice Jungkook had done. Jungkook was tearing up and he hadn’t done it yet.“Hi,” he finally greeted back, before a few huffs of air came out of his chest as he started sobbing. Though he hadn’t said any more words, this cue was enough for Taeyong to understand.“Jungkook, come on,” Taeyong pleaded. “You can’t be serious.” Though he sounded angry, his voice faltered like he was already starting to break down.“I’m done,” he finally breathed out. “I can’t do it anymore.”“Not now,” Taeyong pleaded. “Not while I’m on tour. Not when I’m not home to talk you out of this. We’re not doing it like this. Over the phone, Kookie?”“It couldn’t wait.”“Yes, it can,” Taeyong insisted. Jungkook could tell in his voice that he secretly knew hope was lost already. Hearing the rapper start to cry over the phone was heartbreaking enough that Jungkook was almost grateful he hadn’t chosen to do this in person. Even if he was heartbroken, Jungkook knew Taeyong was hardly the type to give up though. “Please, just think about this. Think about what you’re doing. Just wait for me to come home. When I get home, we can talk. Things will be better. You promised we’d talk.”“It’s over, Taeyong,” Jungkook said finally. His voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m sorry.”“P-” Taeyong didn’t get a chance to finish. Jungkook didn’t know what came over him. He barely realized he was the one who’d hung up on Taeyong. It was like his body had acted without his permission.Truth be told, however, Jungkook really didn’t want to know what Taeyong would have said next. The words would only haunt him and he didn’t need to deal with that kind of regret. Sure, Jungkook owed his boyfriend of almost one and a half years more time than that to grieve during a breakup call but no part of him was ready to handle one more second of that stress. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was unfair, but he couldn’t bring himself to consider it that much. It was just what needed to be done.Searching for Taeyong’s contact, he blocked his phone number, knowing Taeyong would insist on fixing things. He knew the rapper would hate him for this. It would be for the best if Taeyong hated him, though. Jungkook never really wanted to hear from him again. He’d lose a lot of friends for handling things this way, considering how cruel this all really was. This was unfair and none of their mutual friends would forgive Jungkook for acting like this but Jungkook just didn’t care about what this would do to him. He needed to stop feeling like he was going crazy. He needed the guilt and the paranoia to end at whatever cost.Present Day Three days passed and not a single call or text came from Taeyong. Jungkook noticed the sudden silence immediately. The last few days passed while he was still coming to terms with his future as a soloist. Jungkook spent most of his time trying to think of ways to solve the problems in his life as a way to lighten his dilemma.It took some digging to find the answers he needed. In order to save them from having to leave at the same time as their hyungs, Jungkook was trying his best to find out the goals the managers had set for Jimin and Tae. The singer felt like if he supported them however he could, at the very least he could say he’d done everything to save them. They were ready for solo careers, he knew that in his heart. They’d be ready to face anything as long as some of them got to stay together, and he knew they’d prefer staying over leaving. Jungkook wasn’t sure any of them were ready to serve, so the least he could do was try to spare the other maknaes since he was the only one who was made aware of Big Hit’s plans.It felt like his duty to save them.The afternoon went on as this realization continued to bring Jungkook insight into better ways to cope with his circumstances. It also made him realize he missed the days where he had more friends so he could have someone to talk to about this, considering the band couldn’t know the truth. Back when he was dating Taeyong, not only did Jungkook have all of NCT at his side as close friends, but he also felt more motivated to seek out other friends of his own. Whether they were idols, other celebrities, or even just friends from back home from before BTS ever existed, Jungkook had surrounded himself in other people that he loved. People he hadn’t spoken to in probably nearly a year now.Life got in the way. It was up to him to put things back together if he was meant to learn to survive without his hyungs. No matter how hard it was, anything would be better than letting the day come where his hyungs would leave and Jungkook was left all alone. He’s never been alone before. There was no telling how fast it would break him, and it would be up to him to keep BTS going if he wanted his hyungs to have something to return to.As scared as he was to put himself out there again, Jungkook did what he had to do.Having noticed today was the first day that Taeyong hadn’t contacted him at all, Jungkook took it as a sign that he knew exactly where he had to start. There was every chance Taeyong wouldn’t want to talk anymore and that this call would be fruitless. However, this was less about his end goal and more about doing what was right for once. He really owed him that.“What?” Taeyong snapped as soon as he answered the phone. Jungkook should have known to expect hostility. Last time he’d counted, he’d ignored a total of 6 calls and 10 text messages. That was a lot for Taeyong. He wasn’t the type to be pushy unless something was important. Jungkook couldn’t remember there ever being a time when they were dating that Taeyong needed to call more than once, even once Jungkook had started avoiding him.The rapper always let Jungkook be the one to bridge the gap. This time, however, it felt less like Taeyong had left space for Jungkook to meet him halfway and more like he’d finally given up on him. Even now, Jungkook still hated disappointing him. It was something that had lingered on his mind to this day. He’d really let Taeyong down and Taeyong had been one of the people in this world that believed in him the most.“Hello,” Jungkook greeted meekly, not knowing how to start. “You’ve been ignoring me. I finally leave you alone and suddenly you want to talk?” Taeyong confronted him, his tone calm but his words sharp enough to make Jungkook wince. He was right to call him out like this.“I know,” Jungkook answered. “I’m sorry-”“And don’t you dare tell me you were busy-” Taeyong warned him.“I won’t do that. I wouldn’t lie to you,” he explained cautiously. “Not again.” There was a long silence as Jungkook realized that was probably the wrong thing to say. He shouldn’t have brought up the past before Taeyong even had a chance to explain why he wanted to talk with him. He waited, wondering if Taeyong would go into it or not.“Why now ?” Taeyong asked instead, his curiosity clearly getting the best of him. He seemed open to hearing Jungkook out but he was still tentative. He clearly didn’t trust the singer, though. Jungkook could only think that was perfectly fair after everything he’d done.“We should meet,” he answered finally, unsure of how to honestly answer Taeyong’s question while they were still on the phone. This felt like a conversation they needed to have face to face. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know. About anything.”“Really?” The unjaded longing in Taeyong’s voice upset Jungkook just a bit. Taeyong was always an optimist, ready to find the hope in any situation. Even if Jungkook had done everything to lose his trust, Taeyong seemed ready to believe that Jungkook might at the very least follow through on this promise. Jungkook really hoped nothing would stop him from telling Taeyong the truth he deserved.“Anything.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Hello all,Some people seemed confused about the structure of Section 3 so I thought I’d get online and explain a bit. I personally love when readers come up to me about their questions and confusions, asking for help or guidance as they read this story. So when I do mention some qualms later in this note, please know there’s a difference between asking for assistance and attacking.Except for its Intro, Section 3 takes place entirely in the other boys’ POV. The reason for this is it sets up a lot of background knowledge for future sections in the story. I couldn’t feed you the information in this section without switching POVs. It wouldn’t make sense to try and seed that in gradually because some of this information consists of truths Yoongi might never find out, so I had to turn to the other boys’ stories and let them each tell their side.To some of those who believe Jungkook’s POV got off-topic, I invite you to reread and try and look for a conclusion as to why I would include certain scenes and what point these scenes make. For example, the relationship with Taeyong matters a lot to Jungkook’s POV for a reason, not just for the sake of shipping another idol pairing. Try thinking about what the information does for the story. It set up a lot about Jungkook’s paranoia, relationship with his demisexuality, insecurities about his appearance, desire to pursue other interests despite being in a committed relationship, and most importantly what he will be doing (associating with Taeyong and his old friends) while we’re back in Yoongi’s POV and aren’t getting updates anymore.All of these points come up later in the story and you might not understand them if you don’t think critically about the scenes I’m posting. I can understand if you don’t ship that relationship or weren’t interested, but if you hadn’t read those scenes, you’d miss out on a lot of explanations that will define Jungkook’s behavior later in the story.This is not the kind of fic where you can ignore parts of the story because of personal reactions to characters or secondary ships. There are characters you’re meant to dislike, ships you’re not meant to like, times where you’re not supposed to like one of the boys, and most importantly: moments where you don’t think the OT7 or one of the ships should be together. These are natural. These are intended, for the most part.If you’re still confused after a reread, feel free to send in questions. And don’t worry the annotated series will be coming out soon.While I do believe immensely in people asking questions and such and I love to answer to readers who want to know more, I did want to point out I’ve had to cut some ties with readers who insist on demanding confrontations about where the story is going.There was a day where I was seriously considering closing this fic or taking a hiatus.Instead, I’m trying to take on a few suggestions and release all POVs in one update each to try and avoid getting complaints about lingering on one POV too long. It’s not 100% the format I prefer, but it’s what I think might follow suggestions from the helpful, more constructive criticism I’ve been getting. I might ultimately change my mind. I’ll let you know.On social media, I have started releasing teasers, more about characters, side info. Some of you reacted pretty well to this. My social media followers are so sweet and I really do appreciate you guys so much. Especially those of you on the fic’s group chat with me and those of you who chat me regularly about how I’m doing.To my readers, I wanted to thank you guys for taking so much interest in my story and keeping me going. To those of you who commented on this last chapter, you are the only reason I didn’t take that hiatus because I was preparing a post and everything. You guys are my reason to write so thank you for supporting me.Like I’ve said before we’re maybe 1/6th of the way to the end. So if you think something is resolved, it’s not. Don’t worry. ;)I’ll get back to the next POV chapter now. Love you all <3

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Flashback - Early to Mid 2018

Hobi didn’t realize Yoongi had followed him into the next room. He felt like he was having a heart attack.

He was grateful that at least this shock came for all the right reasons. This wasn’t about his feelings right now. It’d been years since he let feelings for Yoongi drift too close to the surface. Having moved on romantically, he’d become an expert at ignoring that little tinge he felt whenever he let himself get too involved in Yoongi’s love life. His constant disdain for potential interests in Yoongi’s life faded with time, though there’d been little to speak of.

For reasons he found out today.
Thinking of all he’d done to keep from making Yoongi uncomfortable, Hoseok felt cheated. He regretted the comments that were swallowed whenever Yoongi had a crush on some nobody that wouldn’t make him happy. He resented himself for ever holding back. He wished he’d taken out all of his aggression whenever he’d felt like it. Hobi had no qualms with letting Yoongi live his romantic life in peace, but this incident today made Hobi feel like all those efforts to support their friendship were a waste. Yoongi had just thrown away every effort the dancer ever made.Yoongi’s worst mistake wasn’t introducing Hoseok to Sooyeon; it was the way he’d done it. The way it didn’t feel like the end of Hoseok’s world where Yoongi had done no wrong in their relationship. Where Yoongi was the perfect best friend, soulmate, life partner that Hoseok could have ever wished for.Worst of all, this introduction presented itself like this was a casual meeting after the pair’s first couple of dates. Yoongi made it seem like they’d been together a month at most, an appropriate amount of time for Hoseok to easily forgive never having heard about this girl, even if it was strange for Yoongi to ever keep secrets from Hoseok like this. Over something as casual as some girl he was dating.

But Yoongi had just announced he’d dated Sooyeon for one and a half years before bringing her to meet Hoseok today.

Author's Note
(The designated A/N space was too short.)First suggestion: Let's just try and give the teaser the time it deserves. I dropped a truth bomb on y'all with that last line, so enjoy that one for a bit. Take a minute before I start getting serious to just stay in the moment of that scene. Feel free to comment about it bc I'd love to talk about anything other than the antis. I'll reply to anyone who talks about the scene so I can keep my sanity.Okay. Down to business.
Here’s the deal:

I do what I want.

Today, I wanted to post a preview teaser to show you guys how fucked we all are for Hobi’s POV because there’s so many painful and also amazing and beautiful and awesome and dramatic things going on in this POV, some things that even surprised

me

.

Trying to post it all in one post is hard. The last estimate I updated is that this will be 50 pages long and I’m more than halfway through but struggling because of how stressful school and work are being. I miss updating this fic because truth be told it’s getting super quiet online for me because everyone I know is being swamped at school. So the people I usually turn to for in-progress feedback can’t be online at the hours I am.

In summary, I’m a social writer. My fuel for continuing on is interacting with people and getting feedback. This whole “update the entire POV in one update only” thing is killing me a little bit.

So I’m either going to give up on this initiative or use social media to post things to hold me off for a bit so long as I see readers reacting to them.

Why should we listen to what you have to say?

Because this teaser could be five pages longer worth of a teaser, one that’s already ready for me to post that I’m perfectly willing to post - but I want to see if anyone’s going to listen to me first. So if I get a lot of engagement in trying to follow through on anything I say, I will post the other teaser. How will you find out about the full teaser? People in the
tag list
system mentioned below will be told how to find it when I decide to share it. I’m willing to post it as soon as today if I see literally just a few people making enough of an effort to follow up on what I’m saying.

Chapters vs. Section/Parts

If you check the index of this fic, I renamed the chapters with fun words that are (or soon will be) defined under their chapter tweets listed here
. They all hold a meaning related to that specific chapter. Soon each thread (chapter post) will feature the definition of the title word, any relevant tweets from me about the chapter, the moodboard posted for the chapter that also announces what time the update is set to be posted, any teasers, etc.
What do ‘chapters’ mean now? They just refer to where in the fic you can find a specific section/part. Like this author’s note is Chapter 27 but it has no part or section. It isn’t featured in the chapter by chapter thread but relevant tweets about this chapter specifically will be found here for now. (Check out the chapter title's definition under the first tweet.)
Social Media - It’s Finally Happening

My Twitter (@the1trueotaku) is the most organized and currently has extras like some details about Sooyeon and similar information. I’ll be posting a ridiculous amount of more works there and on Tumblr over the next few hours just to celebrate me breaking the rules and to see if this whole “more interaction” thing works. (Or, truthfully, to let off steam so that I don’t quit.)

The masterlist is here on Tumblr (@theonetrueotaku). The chapters list in the masterlist on Tumblr will be filled out a few hours later today. However, probably sooner than that, I will also update it to include the “Extras” masterlist soon so you can all access that. For now, any extras should be in the recent posts. If they’re not on Tumblr yet, please enjoy the other extras on Twitter.

Generally, I suggest turning on my notifications so you are told whenever I post. However, I am filling out my masterlist so just be aware those notifications will be excessive for like a day or two.

Tag List

I’m starting a tag list. Basically, if you don’t want to get notifications subscribed on a site or would rather be directly tagged or @ed for important social media posts/updates (or want to receive the teaser I’ll be sending today if this all works out), then you can submit your info and I’ll have you tagged onto anything that is worth knowing about. Normally I just send out a google doc for everyone to add their info to but I think privacy might become an issue with all the hate commenting and hate asks going around.

To add yourself, send a message here to my curious cat saying “Add me to the tag list for [TWITTER/TUMBLR/EMAIL]. My contact is [YOUR HANDLE, BLOG NAME, OR EMAIL].” These are anonymous, no one will see them other than me, and I won’t post these.

Ask Questions

Keep me going please by submitting to my Curious Cat and curing my headache and rage.

Regarding Language Barriers

Small note, I speak Spanish and French so if those are your native languages, feel free to comment in your native language. I’ve been getting a lot of comments saying English makes some people uncomfortable to interact in, so hopefully this fact helps someone get in touch or feel more comfortable?

Final Note

I do what I want.

Truth be told, some of the feedback I got from my aforementioned antis is almost making it sound like no one wants the POVs. If that’s true, I guess let me know in the comments. I’m going to run on the assumption for now that we

do

want the POVs, so the only solution I can propose is that we make this social media thing work if we can. Otherwise, Idk guys. I’m just hoping some of you are willing to meet me halfway and make this social media thing work because I’m tired of most of my interactions with readers being from antis.

So yeah, I’m trying to do what I think might make others happy by trying to hold off on updating until I have the full POV chapter done, but if we’re going to try that then we’re doing it my way. That means having readers to interact with and feedback to work with. Because truth be told, the way I wanted to do it was to post each individual scene in the POVs onto social media one by one and letting people comment, not posting on AO3 until the full thing was done.

(I still might do that if enough antis take over, so I suggest getting on the tag list.)

The real point here is, I’m fed up. Like, I

want

to hear what you think of the structure and what would be ideal for you. I want to know your opinions. Most of what I do hear ends up being from antis so I’m just trying to find a way to reach out to those of you who do want to see this story continue so I can know you’re out there.

Loving my true JAGiyas more than ever,
Aless
PS. This author’s note is already too long but to recap:

50 pages? Holy crap.

Please help me stay motivated. Send me questions. Keep me alive. Chat me up. Be my soulmate. Marry me. Idk, it’s almost 4am. If you haven’t picked up by now that I’ve lost my mind, I think you’re on the wrong fic.

For the next few hours or so, I’m going to be posting a bunch of fic information and teasers and art on Twitter and Tumblr. I will be online surviving on nothing but air, so if you want to get a headstart on getting me to post that juicy 6-page teaser that’s just waiting for me to press send…..You know what to do.  ;)

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

We have a long weekend ahead of us. Here’s the breakdown:
When is the next chapter going to be posted?
Hobi’s POV is planned to be posted Monday night at 9:30pm if I can’t get it in any sooner. If I can get it done sooner, it will replace one of the teasers I have scheduled. If not, it’ll be posted Monday and a teaser will be posted for every day until then ONLY on social media. I will also be posting a bunch of extras and doing a lot of engagement work on social media since tomorrow and Saturday I will unfortunately not be allowed to write the fic due to medical reasons. Also due to medical reasons, however, I will be online and bored out of my mind and trying to make the best of it. So I planned a fun weekend for anyone looking to play along.
Tonight’s Events
For the next few hours, I will be mass posting extras and details onto the Twitter AND Tumblr filling out info that I think everyone is going to need for the upcoming chapters. Here are the updates lists for Twitter and Tumblr. I will be posting under the Twitter post and editing into the Tumblr post any new links or updates that become available, so be sure to reload the page every few minutes. You should also be checking new posts for any updates that don’t make it onto these lists.(Just a reminder, if you read something and enjoyed it, please consider retweeting/reblogging or at least liking posts so that I know someone saw it and so that maybe other people can see it too.)Most importantly, over the next few hours, I will be releasing three face reveals on both platforms featuring the three new relevant faces we can expect in the upcoming few chapters. Prior to today, I hinted or posted about two of them but very few people saw and I’ve had to delete those posts due to a coding issue. However, one of them is brand new and hasn’t been announced before. So if you haven’t caught them, please tune in, I will be on overnight after posting this. (I slept like all day yesterday so I can’t fall asleep now, haha.)I’ve asked on both sites (Twitter and Tumblr) whether we’re ready for a face reveal for the first character. Chat with me, or interact with those posts, or something along those lines like sending in asks on Tumblr or a Curious Cat. Just do something to let me know someone’s watching and I’ll post the first face reveal when I see activity. If enough people react to that reveal, I’ll release the next one, etc.
Curious Cat
This reminds me, regarding Curious Cat: Curious Cat is a site used so that people can anonymously (and without a Twitter or Curious Cat account) submit questions for someone to answer. Mine is @the1trueotaku. My answers then get posted onto the Twitter account! So you don’t have to go back to CC to see the answers, they will be on the Twitter account @the1trueotaku.
FAQ#1: What happened last night? Were you threatened?
I will be answering this here, immediately after I post this.
FAQ#2: What is a social writer? Why do you expect readers to talk to you?
I will be answered this here in a few minutes, after I answer the other question.
What else will you be posting tonight?
Some examples are listed here. After the above two questions and aside from the face reveals, I will be posting new information about Sooyeon, about the Apink issue Naeun is facing, and more. If there’s something you’re looking forward to or want to see come first, or something else you’d like to request, chat me on either Twitter (@the1trueotaku)/Tumblr (@theonetrueotaku) OR send me anything on Curious Cat or in an ask on Tumblr. I’ll be checking constantly.
What happens the rest of Friday?
I will be answering FAQ questions pretty regularly so feel free to submit asks. I will be mass-posting extras. I will be taking in a final round of suggestions for what everyone would like to see in the POV chapters. Some ideas have already been incorporated into the outlines but I’d love to hear more. Then I will release one or more teaser screencaps throughout the day depending on how active the day is.
Saturday?
I’ll continue taking questions but more importantly we’ll be playing a guessing game. I’m going to ask what people think is happening in certain parts or what they think the answer is to certain mysteries. Between that and a few ask games, I’ll be deciding whether to post a final preview at the end of the night.
Sunday:
I’ll finally be able to write again on Sunday so expect silence from me. However, around 8pm, I will be posting the final moodboard, playlist, and teaser summary for the update. Whether there’s an extra teaser depends on whether I think there’s more to tease without showing too much of the fic. Teasers don’t tend to be long and the chapter is over 50 pages already so there might be room for another teaser. Truth be told, though, I will probably have the update ready by Sunday night. I’ll figure out whether to release it on social media first or whether to just post on AO3 later. Depends on how well this weekend goes.
Monday:
I’ll probably be quiet until the expected update time (9:30PM) but we’ll see. If I finish early, who knows? Stay updated by my Twitter/Tumblr.
Discord:
Discord is a chatting platform that allows users to join for free to chat in servers, which are basically a much more organized and calmer form of a group chat that allows multiple topics to be discussed in separate chats so there’s no chaos. JAGiyas (readers) have a server that’s open to anyone who reads this fic. We use it practically as a forum for this fic where we’re all free to talk about anything. If you’d like to meet fellow ARMY, here is the link to join our Discord server. Please be sure to read the welcome message chat before starting.
Regarding Languages:
Some people were a little confused so just to confirm, aside from English, I do speak Spanish and French. If you are more comfortable contacting me, commenting, or interacting in your native language, you’re welcome to. Please don’t hesitate. I’d rather make sure you guys are comfortable. Hell, whatever language you speak, I can just google translate and we’ll figure it out. Regardless, don’t ever apologize to me for us not sharing a native language, I’m just sorry my dumb ass only knows three. You guys are wonderful for trying to reach out at all. <3
Final note:
I’ll write this in the explanation thread too but basically I wanted to note this: My A/Ns calling people out are meant to disrupt. It’s the most effective way to weed out the antis and get them blocked so they can’t come at me anymore. It also helps me tell the difference between readers who are here for the ride or ones that were days away from quitting with a rage comment.Luckily, I only got one rude DMer but that’s about it. That’s amazing, honestly. That’s the least hate I’ve gotten since this fic started. I think we finally scared them away. I knew you guys could do it. ;)
All of my love JAGiyas,
Aless
A NOTE REGARDING THE TEASER BELOW: 
Instead of a random teaser, this is the first part of the POV. I originally had a teaser prepared but some readers expressed that they didn’t want to have too much spoiled for them (I'll save the juicy stuff for social media) so I’ve instead opted to release the first piece of Hobi’s POV, with new content before the piece that you read and a little bit of new content after the quote that you’ve previously read. (So don’t just skip the whole ending, there will be new lines at the end.) 
Present Day
When his day could have started in a much darker place, Hoseok was shaken to see Jungkook at his door looking more than a little worn out. He didn’t know why his dongsaeng hadn’t sought him out earlier. He was pretty sure it was the first time that Jungkook knocked on his door and opted to wake him up to be allowed in. He wasn’t sure why Jungkook was showing up at 8 AM as though he’d had another option until that very moment.Hoseok asked first why Jungkook hadn’t sought him out earlier, but as the maknae answered he realize that there was no way for him to have joined if he’d asked earlier. Always one to try and hide his feelings, Hoseok would not have invited Jungkook in if he himself was in the middle of breaking down the way he was. He didn’t want to worry the youngest of the band, not when Jungkook clearly had so much else on his mind.Hoseok had never been one to refuse Jungkook anything, so of course he ended up opening his door to the maknae and claiming he wanted some more sleep anyway. Jungkook was too shy to specifically ask for company but Hoseok realized after the first day that company was exactly what the younger man was seeking out. He needed it in order to sleep peacefully. Hoseok wasn’t so sure when this need started, but it made him extremely concerned to know that Jungkook was so dependent.The nap went so well that Hoseok forgot about some of his worries. He loved hugging his maknae closer into his chest, comforting him like he always used to. Truth be told, it was so nice having someone with him. Knowing the way he and Jungkook could get so comfortable with each other, Hobi wasn’t surprised to wake up on top of the sleeping giant.As comfortable as he’d ever been, Hobi really enjoyed cooing at Jungkook, all wrapped up in his arms, until he woke up so that they could go to work. They were already late, but the two of them spent a slow morning together sneaking long hugs in here and there.Thoughts about the emotional tragedy from the night before were fighting to come to center of mind for Hobi, but he used the Jungkook's skinship as comfort to battle the stress threatening his sanity. Hobi was emotionally exhausted from trying to figure out what happened last night, but the nap, and the company he'd had, helped enough that he felt like he had something else to think about when his mood dipped too low. Being concerned for Jungkook was a hidden blessing he’d never admit to. It gave him a reason to get up this morning. It was the only reason he wasn’t at home moping about his loss.They were serious at work for a few hours. However, in the middle of the afternoon, Hobi found himself hugging Jungkook in one of the smaller dance rooms, seeing in his eyes that he didn't sleep very well even after their nap.“We’ll try and go home early, Kookie,” he promised as Jungkook leaned down and rested his head on his chest. Hoseok wondered if Jungkook would notice how stressed he was since Jungkook was close enough to hear his hyung’s heartbeat.As he comforted the maknae, they heard Tae calling for Yoongi in the hallway. Jungkook calmly pulled away from the embrace in order to follow Tae. Although Hoseok was scared to go out, he knew he would need to cling to the comfort that came with having Jungkook around. So even if it meant facing Yoongi until Jungkook chose to return to their work, he would have to follow the maknae in order to ensure he’d get to stay around him at all times.They came out just in time for Yoongi to get cornered by the band. Noticing Yoongi seemed uncomfortable, Hoseok was ready to urge the boys to back off when Sejin had come. At that point, it was too late to stop anything.It wasn't just that Hobi was blown away by the visual as Yoongi revealed his new hair color. Seeing Yoongi look beautiful was nothing new for him. He’d been distracted by his visual so often, he was used to the sinking feeling in his stomach at seeing someone so stunning and feeling so lucky to have Yoongi’s presence be so prominent in his life.It was just nauseating, knowing how much Yoongi meant to him that a change of hair color made him feel the heartbreak of losing him all over again. It made him wonder how cruel his best friend was to deny Hoseok the ability to come close and get to comfort his aching heart by finding relief in a friendly touch shared between them. On any other day, he’d ruffle Yoongi’s hair and tell him how impressed he was.However, Yoongi had a right to revoke Hoseok’s permission to touch him at will. Hoseok knew it was wrong to be bitter about such a thing. Better yet, he also had to accept that Yoongi didn’t know just how completely he was the center of Hoseok’s world. The quiet truth was the dancer couldn’t imagine what life in this band would be like if they hadn’t always been as close as they were.The last time they fought was hell because being alone exposed the worst in Hobi. It brought out the bitter, unfiltered side of him that reared its head when he didn’t have Yoongi. It was like Yoongi was the only one in this world who completely saw him, who could bring him comfort and relief from the fact that he had to pretend to be someone other than himself around everyone else in the world. Yoongi was the only one who knew everything about him, the real him.And now, here they were.The night before, after Hobi had offended him, Yoongi introduced new rules about how Hobi couldn't even touch him or be anything other than platonic with him.Hobi had spent a life living on what little Yoongi would give him. A life without any of that happiness to indulge in wasn’t a life he wanted to imagine.Yoongi was his comfort. He was what Hobi thought of that made him happiest when he was in a dark place. He’d moved on in the past but always came back to him. He returned back to living off the few moments Yoongi would give him.Now it seemed like he’d never be able to chase that comfort again, if Yoongi stuck to this new rule. Hobi couldn’t understand what brought them to this place.As Yoongi revealed to him the night before, he’d apparently told Yoongi he loved him in the past. His hyung had appeared so somber because he no longer thought it had ever been true.Hobi could see it in Yoongi’s eyes that night that he wasn’t ready to believe a word Hoseok said. A confession that his declaration of love had been the truth would have done nothing. However, that was the only truth that he had. He’d been in love with Yoongi since the beginning. There was no version of events where he hadn’t been.This fact couldn’t even bring him hope over how distraught Yoongi was to think he didn’t love him. That had to mean Yoongi cared about Hobi’s feelings for him. That implied that Yoongi was interested in him. However, that night, there was something about the way Yoongi had snapped. Hobi could tell the risk was real. The risk that they’d never go back to the way things had been, was evident. That conclusion was a real possibility.Hobi had never felt more like a fool.Today, however, Hobi played his role as the king of self-sacrifice. Upon seeing his best friend’s discomfort at being put on display and made vulnerable over his change of hair color, there was no other choice for Hoseok.He gave Yoongi what he needed even if it hurt Hoseok to admit. Even if it hurt both of them. Someone had to say something.“You look great, Yoongi,” he said as warmly as he could manage. Yoongi looked for a way to leave shortly after thanking him. Hoseok could feel tears stinging at his eyes when Yoongi looked away.The only person who would have noticed Hoseok’s reaction, Jungkook, had dashed out before he had a chance to see how pathetic Hobi looked in that moment. Please forgive me, his heart threatened to make him say to plead Yoongi to stay. Please let us go back to normal. I’ll do anything.
Past - Late Winter 2010
No one would ever argue that JYP and Big Hit were bound to be similar companies to train under. When Hoseok had entered the trainee world, however, he had done so with the expectation that things were going to be difficult. He expected he was going to be challenged in ways he had never been challenged before, even while being an underground dancer.A lot of thought went into Hobi doing this. His family was putting a lot of trust in him by letting him pursue his dreams. Though, truth be told, his time at JYP gave him a lot to think about in terms of whether this was the future he wanted for himself. Maybe it was too late to turn back but there was a mismatch between the life he was leading at their company.The move to go from training at JYP, a major music company, to joining the trainees at Big Hit, a smaller, newer company, was a risky move on his own part. He didn’t know what it was about the atmosphere at Big Hit that really made him think things would get better. It was like a part of him was extremely sure that good things were coming to him if he just took a leap of faith.Hoseok knew he was talented. When he first walked into JYP, he was ready to take names and make sure no one messed with him or his career. The dynamics in JYP were fairly simple:You listened to the trainers. You kept your head held high. You didn't mess with the other trainees but also didn't back down from a fight. You did what trainers said but didn't starve yourself to the point of performing badly. You fought for attention. You didn't let your guard down. You tried to make the best of it and hoped that you would accidentally make some friends. It was strict, but it was simple enough for Hobi to get used to.It was also kind of the level of difficulty he'd signed up for.At Big Hit, it was like nothing made sense anymore. He had no idea where he landed but it didn’t feel like the normal trainee environment. All in all, it was not that it was so different in schedule or structure. It was that the trainees really seemed to think it was different. They just all seemed to make a really big deal about whether they got along with each other.Upon investigating, Hoseok pinned it down to being caused by the people who "ran the place". In any other training system, the “heads of operations” were the ones who had been there the longest, the most talented ones, and then the ones who scared everyone into submission. Even then, the most talented ones didn't even count because most of the time they were the same as those who were there the longest, or most likely the talented ones were too weak to get attention. This was particularly because the scary ones won out and got their way.When Hoseok walked in, the people in charge were just the ones who had been there the longest, occasionally contradicted by the few people who could scare others into submission. ‘Bullies,’ he’d call them. There weren’t many in Big Hit, but the few of them that existed did a good job of hiding their true nature.This all meant that when he looked for a sense of which trainees were in charge, he found himself realizing that Big Hit’s trainee group was basically a circus show.And that circus was run by two clowns named Namjoon and Yoongi.They were the most obvious two in that circle of power, but somehow Hobi also qualified them as the quirkiest men and perhaps the least menacing rappers he'd ever met.To put it simply, they were both major dorks.However, Hobi thought Yoongi seemed like a reasonable kind of person. So while he was a bit blown away by the culture shock of switching companies, he couldn’t help thinking that things would be fine.That was something Yoongi impressed him with from the moment they met, as the rapper tried to show the dancer around the space and helped him settle in: his innate talent at making someone feel at home so long as they were around him.Hoseok had been hardened by his time at JYP. He didn’t realize how much that environment had changed him all the way through to his psyche and his instincts being affected, but he was relaxing enough at Big Hit that his altered personality began to match his true personality more and more.That personality, that original person, that voice in the back of his head getting louder and louder each day really liked Yoongi and Namjoon. That voice didn’t find them clownish or quirky or unthreatening. In fact, they seemed like his best bet to finding happiness in life as trainee. They felt worthy of his faith.Around them, he was the happiest he’d felt in ages. He had Yoongi to thank for that revelation.
Flashback - Early to Mid 2018
Hobi didn’t realize Yoongi had followed him into the next room. He felt like he was having a heart attack.At least he was grateful this shock came for all the right reasons. This wasn’t about his feelings right now. It’d been years since he let feelings for Yoongi drift too close to the surface. Having moved on romantically, he’d become an expert at ignoring that little twinge he felt whenever he let himself get too involved in Yoongi’s love life. His constant disdain for potential interests in Yoongi’s life faded with time, though there’d been little to speak of.For reasons he found out today.Thinking of all he’d done to keep from making Yoongi uncomfortable, Hoseok felt cheated. He regretted the comments that were swallowed whenever Yoongi had a crush on some nobody that wouldn’t make him happy. He resented himself for ever holding back. He wished he’d taken out all of his aggression whenever he’d felt like it. Hobi had no qualms with letting Yoongi live his romantic life in peace, but this incident today made him feel like all those efforts to support their friendship were a waste. Yoongi had just thrown away every effort the dancer ever made.Yoongi’s worst mistake wasn’t introducing Hoseok to Sooyeon. It was the way he’d done it. The way it didn’t feel like the end of Hoseok’s world where Yoongi had done no wrong in their relationship. Where Yoongi was the perfect best friend, soulmate, life partner that Hoseok could have ever wished for.Worst of all, this introduction presented itself like this was a casual meeting after the pair’s first couple of dates. Yoongi made it seem like they’d been together a month at most, an appropriate amount of time for Hoseok to easily forgive never having heard about this girl, even if it was strange for Yoongi to ever keep secrets from Hoseok like this. Over something as casual as some girl he was dating.
But Yoongi had just announced he’d dated Soyeon for a year and a half before bringing her to meet Hoseok today.
“Since last September?” Hobi had asked to confirm as if all his breath had been violently squeezed out of his lungs. “Like one and a half years?”Sooyeon seemed to be doing the moment-long math in her head before smiling pleasantly at the realization that Hobi was right. It wasn’t that she took a long time to figure it out, it was certainly that all microseconds passed like slow hours of time for Hoseok.It was as though he could see every thought that crossed her mind: Thinking of the current month. Subtracting a year. Subtracting two seasons. Seeing if the months matched up. The thought close enough . The decision to tilt her head. Concluding a year and almost six months. The decision to agree with Hoseok.Every thought seemed like the most important step in Hoseok’s quest to understand everything about this woman so he could see her like a person and not the monster that Yoongi had just set her up to appear as.Hoseok was having trouble seeing her as a human being when all he could understand was that she had just become his worst nightmare.“Wow. 18 months,” Hoseok said, as if the math of figuring out how many months were in a year could somehow comfort him. Obviously, he was wrong. “That’s literally almost enough time to have two whole kids, give or take.”That was awkward to say, but he didn’t notice until Yoongi gawked at him. “What the hell, Hobi?” he snapped, clearly disturbed enough to immediately snap. Looking at Soyeon’s uncomfortable expression, he could see why Yoongi jumped into a confrontation. Hobi almost felt bad. He almost felt worse for the next words he had to say.“Are you going to come out with a secret family too?” he responded.“Hobi,” Yoongi warned. “Is that seriously what you want to talk about right now?”“With a secret like this, what else should I be asking? I’m covering my bases,” he defended, still too in shock to find a way to convey emotion in his tone. Sooyeon retreated as she saw Yoongi leave her side and inch closer to Hoseok. Hobi could see the last thing she seemed to want was a confrontation. He wished he didn’t have the urge to hate her for that.What else did she think was going to happen?“That’s unfair,” Yoongi pointed out.“No, what’s unfair is this entire little affair happening without the band knowing. What does she have to hide, Yoongi?”“Don’t bring her into this.”“I’ll bring you into this very soon, I just-” Hobi spared a glance at Sooyeon. She looked mortified. Terrified too. Hoseok shook his head and left the room. He didn’t even storm out. He’d bowed his head in apology to Sooyeon and left quietly in the hopes that Yoongi would just let him leave. Leave the room, leave the building…..leave for home, get in his room, give this a week or so to blow over if it ever could.Alas, Yoongi followed him, seeking out a confrontation.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Present Day
Though his day could have started in a much darker place, Hoseok was shaken to see Jungkook at his door looking more than a little worn out. He didn’t know why his dongsaeng hadn’t sought him out earlier. He was pretty sure it was the first time that Jungkook knocked on his door and woke him up to be allowed in. He wasn’t sure why Jungkook was showing up at 8 AM as though he didn’t need a place to stay until that very moment.Hoseok asked first why Jungkook hadn’t sought him out earlier, but as the maknae answered he realize that there was no way for him to have joined if he’d come earlier. Always one to try to hide his feelings, Hoseok would not have invited Jungkook in if he himself was in the middle of breaking down the way he had been. He didn’t want to worry the youngest of the band, not when Jungkook clearly had so much else on his mind.Hoseok had never been one to refuse Jungkook anything, so of course he ended up opening his door to the maknae and claiming he wanted some more sleep anyway. Jungkook was too shy to specifically ask for company but Hoseok realized after the first day that company was exactly what the younger man was seeking out. He needed it in order to sleep peacefully. Hoseok wasn’t so sure when this need started, but it made him extremely concerned to know that Jungkook was so dependent.The nap went so well that Hoseok forgot about some of his worries. He loved hugging his maknae closer into his chest, comforting him like he always used to; truth be told, it was so nice having someone with him. Aware of the way he and Jungkook could get so comfortable with each other, Hoseok wasn’t surprised to wake up on top of the sleeping giant.As comfortable as he’d ever been, Hoseok really enjoyed cooing at Jungkook, all wrapped up in his arms, until he woke so that they could go to work. They were already late, but the two of them spent a slow morning together sneaking long hugs in here and there.Thoughts about the emotional tragedy from the night before were fighting to come to the top of Hoseok’s thoughts, but he used the Jungkook's skinship as comfort to battle the stress threatening his sanity. Hoseok was emotionally exhausted from trying to figure out what happened the night before, but the nap, and the company he'd had, helped enough that he felt like he had something else to think about when his mood dipped too low. Being concerned for Jungkook was a hidden blessing he’d never admit to. It gave him a reason to get up this morning. It was the only reason he wasn’t at home moping about his loss.They were serious at work for a few hours. However, in the middle of the afternoon, Hoseok found himself hugging Jungkook in one of the smaller dance rooms, seeing in his eyes that he was still exhausted, even after their nap.“We’ll try and go home early, Kookie,” he promised as Jungkook leaned down and rested his head on his chest. Hoseok wondered if Jungkook would notice how stressed he was since Jungkook was close enough to hear his hyung’s heartbeat.As he comforted the maknae, they heard Tae calling for Yoongi in the hallway. Jungkook calmly pulled away from the embrace in order to follow Tae. Although Hoseok was scared to go out, he knew he would need to cling to the comfort that came with having Jungkook around. So even if it meant facing Yoongi until Jungkook chose to return to their work, he would have to follow the maknae in order to ensure he’d get to stay by his side.They came out just in time for Yoongi to get cornered by the band. Noticing Yoongi seemed uncomfortable, Hoseok was ready to urge the boys to back off when Sejin came. At that point, it was too late to stop anything.It wasn't just that Hoseok was blown away by the visual as Yoongi revealed his new hair color. Seeing Yoongi look beautiful was nothing new for him. He’d been distracted by his visual so often, he was used to the sinking feeling in his stomach at seeing someone so stunning and feeling so lucky to have Yoongi’s presence be so prominent in his life.It was just nauseating, knowing how much Yoongi meant to him that a change of hair color made him feel the heartbreak of losing him all over again. It made him wonder how cruel his best friend was to deny Hoseok the ability to come close and get to comfort his aching heart by finding relief in a friendly touch shared between them. On any other day, he’d ruffle Yoongi’s hair and tell him how impressed he was.However, Yoongi had a right to revoke Hoseok’s permission to touch him at will. Hoseok knew it was wrong to be bitter about such a thing. Better yet, he also had to accept that Yoongi didn’t know just how completely he was the center of Hoseok’s world. The quiet truth was the dancer couldn’t imagine what life in this band would be like if they hadn’t always been as close as they were.The last time they fought was hell because being alone exposed the worst in Hoseok. It brought out the bitter, unfiltered side of him that reared its head when he didn’t have Yoongi. It was like Yoongi was the only one in this world who saw him completely, who could bring him comfort and relief from the fact that he had to pretend to be someone other than himself around everyone else in the world. Yoongi was the only one who knew everything about him, the real him.And now, here they were.The night before, after Hoseok had offended him, Yoongi introduced new rules about how Hoseok couldn't even touch him or be anything other than platonic with him. Hoseok had spent a life living on what little Yoongi would give him. A life without any of that happiness to indulge in wasn’t a life he wanted to imagine.Yoongi was his comfort. He was the thought that made Hoseok happiest when he was in a dark place. He’d moved on in the past but always came back to him. He returned back to living off the few moments Yoongi would give him.Now it seemed like he’d never be able to chase that comfort again, if Yoongi stuck to this new rule. Hoseok couldn’t understand what brought them to this place.As Yoongi revealed to him the night before, he’d apparently told Yoongi he loved him at some point in the past. His hyung had appeared so somber because he no longer thought it had ever been true.Hoseok could see it in Yoongi’s eyes that night that he wasn’t ready to believe a word Hoseok said. A confession that his declaration of love had been the truth would have done nothing. However, that was the only truth that he had. He’d been in love with Yoongi since the beginning. There was no version of events where he hadn’t been.This fact couldn’t even bring him hope over how distraught Yoongi was to think he didn’t love him. That had to mean Yoongi cared about Hoseok’s feelings for him. That implied that Yoongi was interested in him. However, that night, there was something about the way Yoongi had snapped. Hoseok could tell the risk was real. The risk that they’d never go back to the way things had been, was evident. That conclusion was a real possibility.Hoseok had never felt more like a fool. Today, however, Hoseok played his role as the king of self-sacrifice. Upon seeing his best friend’s discomfort at being put on display and made vulnerable over his change of hair color, there was no other choice for Hoseok.He gave Yoongi what he needed even if it hurt Hoseok to admit. Even if it hurt both of them. Someone had to say something.“You look great, Yoongi,” he said as warmly as he could manage. Yoongi looked for a way to leave shortly after thanking him. Hoseok could feel tears stinging at his eyes when Yoongi looked away. Jungkook, the only person who would have noticed Hoseok’s reaction,  had dashed out before he had a chance to see how pathetic Hoseok looked in that moment.  Please forgive me , his heart threatened to make him say to plead Yoongi to stay. Please let us go back to normal. I’ll do anything.  Past - Late Winter 2010No one would ever argue that JYP and Big Hit were bound to be similar companies to train under. When Hoseok had entered the trainee world, however, he had done so with the expectation that things were going to be difficult. He expected he was going to be challenged in ways he had never been challenged before, even while being an underground dancer.A lot of thought went into Hoseok pursuing this career. His family was putting a lot of trust in him by letting him chase his dreams. Though, truth be told, his time at JYP gave him a lot to think about in terms of whether this was the future he wanted for himself. Maybe it was too late to turn back but there was something missing in the life he was leading at their company.The move to go from training at JYP, a major music company that hadn’t offered him a contract and even kept his training secret, to joining the trainees at Big Hit, a smaller, newer company, was a risky move on Hoseok’s part. He didn’t know what it was about the atmosphere at Big Hit that really made him think things would get better. It was like a part of him was extremely sure that good things were coming to him if he just took a leap of faith.Hoseok knew he was talented. When he first walked into JYP, he was ready to take names and make sure no one messed with him or his career. The dynamics in JYP were fairly simple:You listened to the trainers. You kept your head held high. You didn't mess with the other trainees but also didn't back down from a fight. You followed diet instructions but didn't starve yourself to the point of performing badly. You fought for attention. You didn't let your guard down. You tried to make the best of it and hoped that you would accidentally make some friends. It was strict, but it was simple enough for Hoseok to get used to.It was the level of difficulty he'd signed up for.At Big Hit, suddenly nothing he knew made sense anymore. He had no idea where he landed but it didn’t feel like the normal trainee environment. All in all, it was not that it was so different in schedule or structure. It was that the trainees really seemed to think it was different. They just all seemed to make a really big deal about whether they got along with each other.Upon investigating, Hoseok pinned it down to the tone being set by the people who "ran the place". In any other training system, the leaders of the pack were the trainees who had been there the longest, the ones with the most talent, and then the ones who scared everyone into submission.When Hoseok arrived, the people in charge were just the ones who had been there the longest, occasionally challenged by the few people who could scare others into submission. ‘Bullies,’ he’d call them. There weren’t many in Big Hit, but the few of them that existed did a good job of hiding their true nature.This all meant that when he looked for a sense of which trainees were in charge, he found himself realizing that Big Hit’s trainee group was basically a circus show.And that circus was run by two clowns named Namjoon and Yoongi.They were the most obvious two in that circle of power, but somehow Hoseok also qualified them as the quirkiest boys and perhaps the least menacing rappers he'd ever met. To put it simply, they were both major dorks.However, Hoseok thought Yoongi seemed like a reasonable kind of person. So while he was a bit blown away by the culture shock of switching companies, he couldn’t help but think that things would be fine.As Yoongi showed the dancer around the space and offered to help him settle in, Hoseok was impressed. From the very first moment that they met, Yoongi never failed at making him feel as if he belonged here. And when other trainees came around,Yoongi was usually the first to reach out. That ability at making someone feel at home so long as they were around him was something that Hoseok admired.He had been hardened by his time at JYP. He didn’t realize how much that environment had changed him, from his psyche to the way his instincts were altered. The longer that he stayed at Big HIt, around Namjoon and Yoongi, he could feel his outward personality slowly begin to match his true self more and more.That personality, that original person, that voice in the back of his head getting louder and louder each day, really liked Yoongi and Namjoon. That voice didn’t find them clownish or quirky or unthreatening. In fact, they seemed like his best bet to finding happiness in life as trainee. They felt worthy of his faith.Around them, he was the happiest he’d felt in ages. He had Yoongi to thank for that revelation. 
Flashback - Early to Mid 2018
Hoseok didn’t realize Yoongi had followed him into the next room. When he did, he felt as if he just had a heart attack.At least he was grateful this shock came for all the right reasons. This wasn’t about his feelings right now. It’s been years since he let feelings for Yoongi drift too close to the surface. Having moved on romantically, he’d become an expert at ignoring that little twinge he felt whenever he let himself get too involved in Yoongi’s love life. His constant disdain for potential love interests in Yoongi’s life faded with time, even if there’d been few to speak of.For reasons he had just found out.Thinking of all that he’d done to keep from making Yoongi uncomfortable, Hoseok felt cheated. He regretted the comments that were swallowed whenever Yoongi had a crush on some nobody that wouldn’t make him happy. He resented himself for holding back. He wished he’d taken out all of his aggression whenever he’d felt like it. Hoseok had no qualms with letting Yoongi live his romantic life in peace, but the incident today made him feel like all those efforts to support their friendship were a waste. Yoongi had just thrown away every effort the dancer had ever made. Yoongi’s worst mistake wasn’t introducing Hoseok to Sooyeon. It was the way he’d done it. The way it felt like the end of Hoseok’s world where Yoongi had done no wrong in their relationship. Where Yoongi was the perfect best friend, soulmate, life partner that Hoseok could have ever wished for.Worst of all, this introduction was presented like it was a casual meeting early in the pair’s relationship. Yoongi made it seem like they’d been together a month at most, an appropriate amount of time for Hoseok to easily forgive never having heard about this girl. Though, it was strange for Yoongi to keep secrets from Hoseok like this. Especially over something as casual as some girl he was dating.
But Yoongi had just announced he’d dated Sooyeon for a year and a half before bringing her to meet Hoseok today.
“Since last September?” Hoseok had asked to confirm, as if all his breath had been violently squeezed out of his lungs. “Like one and a half years?” Sooyeon seemed to be doing second-long math in her head before smiling pleasantly at the realization that Hoseok was right. It wasn’t that she took a long time to figure it out, it was certainly that all microseconds passed like slow hours of time for Hoseok.It was as though he could see every thought that crossed her mind: Thinking of the current month. Subtracting a year. Subtracting two seasons. Seeing if the months matched up. Coming to the conclusion close enough. The decision to tilt her head, to agree with Hoseok’s calculation.Every thought seemed like the most important step in Hoseok’s quest to understand everything about this woman. So he could see her like a person and not the monster she appeared as from his perspective.Hoseok was having trouble seeing her as a human being when she had just become his worst nightmare.“Wow. 18 months,” Hoseok said, as if the math of figuring out how many months were in a year could somehow comfort him. Obviously, he was wrong. “That’s literally almost enough time to have two whole kids, give or take.”That was an awkward thing to say but he didn’t notice until Yoongi gawked at him.“What the hell, Hoseok?” he snapped, clearly disturbed. Looking at Sooyeon’s uncomfortable expression, he could see why Yoongi jumped into a confrontation. Hoseok almost felt bad. He almost felt worse for the next words he had to say.“Are you going to come out with a secret family too?” he questioned, his tone accusing.“Hoseok,” Yoongi warned. “Is that seriously what you want to talk about right now?”“With a secret like this, what else should I be asking? I’m covering all my bases,” he defended, still too in shock to find a way to convey emotion in his tone. Sooyeon retreated once she saw Yoongi leave her side and inch closer to Hoseok. Hoseok could see the last thing she seemed to want was a confrontation. He wished he didn’t have the urge to hate her for that.What else did she think was going to happen?“That’s unfair,” Yoongi pointed out, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to figure out where this was coming from. “No, it isn’t. What is unfair is this entire little affair happening without the band knowing. What does she have to hide, Yoongi?” Hoseok took a step closer.“Don’t bring her into this.”“I’ll bring you into this very soon, I just-” Hoseok spared a glance at Sooyeon. She looked mortified. Terrified even. At that moment, Hoseok just shook his head and left the room. He didn’t even storm out.As he passed Sooyeon, he bowed his head in apology to her and quietly left. He hoped that Yoongi would just let him leave. Leave the room, leave the building…..leave for home, get in his room, give this a week or so to blow over if it ever could. Let Hoseok toss and turn in his bed, riddled with humiliation as he thought about the words that he had said.Alas, Yoongi followed him out.“I knew you’d act like this. All of you overreact every time I date someone,” Yoongi accused, eyes bright with anger. It wasn’t just his words that hurt. It was the way that Yoongi reacted, believing that what he had done wasn’t wrong, as if Hoseok was the one with a problem. His eyebrows raised over Yoongi's outburst, Hoseok resisted the urge to wince. Instead, he swallowed his discomfort and turned to face Yoongi head on.“Are you joking?!” he demanded, not realizing just how loud his voice was until he saw Yoongi startle. They were entering uncharted territories right now. In all the years that they’ve know each other, they never fought like this. Even if he was hurt and so, so tired, he hesitated for a moment. He never wanted to scare Yoongi. Taking a deep breath, he let the tension in his body uncoil. “Honestly if you think our reactions have been severe in the past, I’ll give you that. I’m sorry for whatever it was that we did to you.”Hoseok was fighting tears as best he could, knowing they would only provoke a reaction from Yoongi. The dancer couldn’t stand to see his best friend cry, no matter the situation.“But this? This feels like punishment. You get that, right? This feels like we failed at something,” Hoseok continued. “This is the kind of shit you do to absent parents or abusive siblings or psycho exes. This was some hateful shit, Yoongi. How horrible are we to you that we deserve something like this?”Just as Hoseok thought, when he finally dared to look at him again, he saw that Yoongi was getting worked up.“Please don’t cry,” Hoseok whispered in a broken voice. As much as Hoseok felt that he deserved to cry over his best friend’s actions, he was always reminded just how much he wasn’t over Yoongi whenever he saw him hurt. It was like his world was crumbling when he saw Yoongi look so miserable.This was the most hurt he’d felt over their relationship in years. Even when Yoongi was in love with their closest friends, never sparing Hoseok a moment to prove that he could be what Yoongi wanted. This was worse. Yoongi had dragged their friendship through the mud and he clearly seemed to think Hoseok deserved to be treated like this.“I’m so sorry, Hoseok. That’s not what I was trying to do,” Yoongi said, clearly resisting the urge to just break down, helplessly blinking back tears of frustration.Hoseok couldn’t help but want to move forward and wipe those tears away. Seeing Yoongi cry always gave him this overwhelming need to help in any way that he could. It was giving him the urge to forget his own heartbreak and do what he could to lie to Yoongi. To make him believe things would all be okay.Yoongi looked like he would soon be inconsolable. Hoseok just did what he had to do, what he would have done regardless of Yoongi’s reaction.“I’ll help you break it to the others,” Hoseok offered, hyperfocused on the tears rolling down Yoongi’s cheeks. “You should know, though, I’m not doing it because you deserve it.” Yoongi just nodded, trying to put himself back together. Hoseok had to be clear about things. Even if it hurt both of them. Hoseok would not see Yoongi walk away from this unaware that Hoseok wouldn’t dare stand seeing Yoongi pull shit like this ever again on the others.Hoseok would forgive Yoongi for anything… except for breaking the boys’ hearts. He gave him a pass today, but he’d never tolerate this again. Seeing the boys torn apart the way that they were to be bound to be once they heard the news about Sooyeon? That would do nothing but worsen Hoseok’s heartbreak.“I don’t want to see the boys break down any more than they need to,” Hoseok added, refusing to look Yoongi in the eyes. “They don’t deserve this, none of us do.” He hated the little huff that Yoongi gave as he tried to choke back tears. “The faster they get over this, the better for all of us.”“I didn’t think I’d break anything,” Yoongi whispered weakly. Hoseok wished he’d never spoken because then he would have been able to stay quiet. Instead, he couldn’t help the rant that escaped him.“So lying to us for a year and a half is like nothing for you? What else are you hiding, Yoongi? How are you so used to lying to us that this felt normal?” It hurt, thinking that there could be more that Yoongi was hiding from them, from him. He didn’t know what thought was worse, that Yoongi hid stuff because he didn’t trust them or because he didn’t think they were important enough to know.Honestly, Hoseok wished that this could all just be a nightmare.Yoongi looked like he had something to say but was debating on whether or not he could say it. And Hoseok was patient, waiting for his best friend to collect himself and maybe come out with what he really wanted to say. It didn’t take long before Yoongi was bowing to Hoseok in gratitude, quietly sniffling.“Thank you for helping me break it to them.” Hoseok just nodded, staring at him for a few seconds before he turned away. As soon as his back was to Yoongi, he did his best to stabilize himself and compartmentalize his hurt and anger. He refused to let this break him.“I’m sorry, but I can’t look at you right now,” Hoseok stated, willing for those pesky tears to disappear before he left through the other door. There was no way that he was going to let Sooyeon, the girl that was the cause of this mess, see him cry. He didn’t say goodbye or turn back, knowing he’d hate any exchange that followed.Hoseok knew that this wasn’t going to be something that they all just brushed off or forgot about. This would affect them for an indefinite amount of time, maybe even permanently.Though, Hoseok wasn’t sure if Sooyeon herself would be permanent.If she was, she would remain by Yoongi, a glaring symbol of Yoongi’s distrust of the band. If she wasn’t, she’d leave one day and Yoongi would find someone else, leaving Hoseok to worry about whether or not Yoongi would ever tell them or not. At best, they’d all find out one day when he was engaged to some faceless woman and the band would blame themselves for failing one of their own so terribly.Hoseok couldn’t help thinking that they deserved better. The band had done so much to earn each other’s trust. Nothing, especially qualms over dating, were worth this kind of pain. Yoongi had driven a wedge between himself and the band, even if he hadn’t told the others yet. Hoseok wished to himself that he would never have to tell the others what had been done, though he knew that day would come tomorrow. Then, he would pull himself together enough to put on a brave face for the band. Someone would need to be their rock and Hoseok didn’t trust Yoongi to take on that role.A terrible part of him hoped Sooyeon would stick around, if only so the paranoia about Yoongi’s secrets might be able to die with Yoongi’s cruel secret. After all, he couldn’t hide more than one girl at a time.Entrapment was the only solution Hoseok could see right now to bandage up the wound Yoongi had inflicted onto their friendship. 
Flashback - Late Winter 2010
It was only his fifth day at Big Hit and Hoseok could already tell Yoongi was in love with Namjoon. Truth be told, he thought it was pretty adorable. Part of it made sense to him - a genius dork with another genius dork. He wished them the best, though he had the slightest inkling that Namjoon didn't reciprocate. The boy seemed too distracted by hiding something.Hoseok was positive that he figured out what Namjoon was hiding but he wasn’t willing to ever bring it up. He didn't know at what point he started keeping the secret for Yoongi's sake, but his intent went from protecting Namjoon to protecting Yoongi within a matter of days.By Week Two, Hoseok could tell how attached he was getting to all of these trainees. Maybe it had been in the way they all took care of each other. Alternatively, it could have been due to his realization that now they were even taking care of him. Somehow, that'd gotten to him much more than he thought it would. He was surprised by the discovery that being around these people practically turned him into an optimist. By Week Three, Hoseok wasn't sure he could live without them. He almost couldn't remember what life was like, waking up to something other than Yoongi's incessant complaining when Namjoon tried to convince him to get up in time for them to hit the studios at dawn.Then, at Week Four, something strange happened. He became someone else entirely. As the realization hit the trainees that it was only a matter of time until competition put them up against each other, they seemed a bit forlorn as they curled into themselves and became quieter. Hoseok was so afraid of seeing things change that something just activated in him.A persona came over him when he began taking on this shining personality, full of nothing but smiles and positivity. Sunshine was how Yoongi chose to describe it. It was a character he started to play, someone unrecognizable from himself. Hoseok acted strangely in order to trigger smiles or laughter from others in the hopes that he could single handedly lift everyone's mood. He considered himself a realist and could typically be described as a pretty mellow person. But now, he kept taking on this other identity around the others because he wanted to cheer everyone up so much that perception of him changed.Yoongi was the only one who didn't flip that switch on for him, no matter how forlorn he looked. He was the only one whom Hoseok could cheer up just by being himself, instead of Sunshine Hobi. A part of him knew that wasn't a normal way to feel around a friend, but he did everything to think of something else. The way Yoongi would smile at one of his dark jokes or at the way he mocked someone. It all made Hoseok feel special in a way that acting or pretending for the others could never do.By Week Five, Hoseok realized there was something weird about the way he was looking at Yoongi. He noticed whenever he did something cute, memorized the way he'd smile, even tried to get him to laugh more. Hoseok listed off the many strange behaviors that Yoongi was triggering but he tried his best to explain these concepts away as nothing but friendly behaviors.Once he found himself admiring Yoongi's pout and wondering what it would be like to just try kissing him one day, he realized he was a lost cause. He was definitely attracted to Yoongi. The only way he knew how to spare himself a true crisis was to claim the attraction was simply of a physical kind.After all, when he looked at Yoongi, he still tended to think of him as his friend who was in love with Namjoon. His perception of his friend's infatuation had never changed. Yoongi was still unabashedly crushing on his best friend. Perhaps the only thing that needed to change in their friendship would be that Hoseok hoped to make out with him every once in a while. It wasn't too much to ask, and not an arrangement he was entirely unfamiliar with. Surely he could find a way to convince Yoongi that this was a good idea.Hoseok stubbornly refused to entertain something as ludicrous as the idea that maybe his attraction to Yoongi wasn’t purely physical. 
Flashback - Early to Mid 2018
The band had barely survived finding out about Sooyeon. Yoongi only saw half of the disaster, but Hoseok wasn’t going to ask him to endure the rest, even if he deserved it. Hoseok couldn’t let himself think too hard on what happened from that day on because he wasn’t allowing himself to relive it. Seeing the maknaes cry from heartbreak and watching the other hyungs look like they were at a loss for how to react, it was overwhelming for Hoseok. And being that he was Yoongi’s undoubted best friend, he wanted to argue that he was the most hurt by this revelation.Comparing pain wasn’t productive, but Hoseok wasn’t in a headspace to make a lot of sense or be mature.The way the maknaes broke down, thinking they weren’t important enough in Yoongi’s life made Hoseok sick to think about. This band had always been so tightly knit, so close with each other. And yet, Yoongi rewrote that entire narrative with one big secret. Just like that.For some reason or another, Namjoon was not expressing why he was hurt. He didn’t say much other than admit he “deserved this” for some reason. Hoseok couldn’t understand why, considering how close Namjoon and Yoongi had always been. Besides Hoseok, Namjoon was one of Yoongi’s oldest and closest friends. He couldn’t imagine what Namjoon had to have done to make himself believe he should have expected this kind of behavior.Meanwhile, always the peacemaker, Seokjin seemed to be trying his best to respect and like Sooyeon. Though he didn’t always show it, the eldest hyung could be very mature when it came to pushing his feelings aside to be fair to people. He seemed most worried that Sooyeon would receive all the backlash regarding this secret when they all knew Yoongi was the one they needed to blame.Seokjin was spending time with her, befriending her, earning her trust. Hoseok wondered if it was his way of trying not to be hurt. Hoseok was having a very different reaction. It was like anything she did that made her incompatible with the band made her even less likeable. At this rate, what mattered to Hoseok was how the band would react to her because she didn’t deserve an equal consideration, in his eyes. Sooyeon was invited to spend time with Yoongi whenever she pleased, mainly because they couldn’t stop her without giving Yoongi some kind of ridiculous validation for his behavior. However, that didn’t mean Hoseok would allow her to change anything or expect any accomodation when it came to the band’s dynamic.An optimistic part of him hoped that trying to make her a perfect fit for the band’s lifestyle would make things easier on all of them. If the band could grow to like her, maybe that would bridge up some of the pain caused.However, Sooyeon had these habits due to how she was brought up. The band wasn’t used to snobs but Sooyeon gave off that aura. She spent money frivolously and always seemed stunned at the kinds of things the band would be fiscally conservative about. When they hardly spent their pocket money because their needs were provided for, she questioned why they didn’t shop more and spend their hard earned riches.Sure, these faux pas only lasted about two seconds before she’d apologize or admit to wrongdoing, or even explain that she was out of her element and didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable, always quick to correct herself before anyone had to call her out on it. There was something so perfect about that. Like she was showing off why she and Yoongi were compatible, because she was willing to admit to her flaws. It was so cute that Hoseok hoped he could fatally choke on it so he wouldn’t have to see more of their perfect little relationship.Hoseok wondered how Sooyeon could be happy, knowing that she and Yoongi had stepped on all the bandmates’ necks just for Yoongi to have his cute little secret girlfriend.A very bitter part of him wondered whether Yoongi was looking to drop another truth bomb on them sometime soon. Why else would he finally introduce this girl if he wasn’t preparing to do something drastic?Practically burning up in his own frustration, Hoseok knew he’d throw up if they were ever told Sooyeon was pregnant or something. He had been so paranoid about it that he’d study her waistline to see if it grew in size in the few weeks that they’d known her. He even asked Yoongi about it, point blank, only to have to walk away when Yoongi had the mistaken impression that he had any right to be upset with that line of questioning.Today, Sooyeon’s slip up was minor. It just happened to be the last straw for Hoseok and his ability to stay silent.“I just don’t understand why your shows do allowances. Isn’t it better for your fans to see you all spend your money? Isn’t that what they pay for?” she mused aloud, thinking Yoongi was the only one in the room.“Sooyeon,” Yoongi sighed out, a bit amused by her blunder. She seemed a little startled to hear just how off-base she was.“Oh, did I say something wrong?” she asked worriedly, eyebrows drawn in concern.“No. It’s just complicated. We just don’t talk about fans and their relationship to our revenue quite that openly,” Yoongi explained. “It makes us feel a little bit-”“Like sellouts?” Hoseok offered as he entered, effectively interrupting their little heart-to-heart. He needed to get his tea from the kitchen and he wasn’t going to hide and wait for them to leave. This was his apartment too.“That’s not what I was saying,” Yoongi defended, staring intently at Sooyeon. It made Hoseok wonder if he’d already upset her or if Yoongi was just able to pick up the hidden disdain in his tone. “It just makes it sound too much like we’re in it for the money. We really don’t flaunt what we have.”“I’m just surprised,” she explained. “As a fan of someone, I’d want to see them enjoying their riches, living their successful lives, getting to enjoy everything that my support helped them get. I’m sure your fans feel the same.”Was Sooyeon offering harmless chit chat about the nature of fans in general? Yes. Was Hoseok still going to get possessive and aggressive about her talking about their ARMYs, as if she knew anything about their fans? Hell yeah.“Ooh, have you been talking to Sejin?” Hoseok chirped sarcastically, wondering why this girl seemed to think their work was any of her business. “Maybe you two should draw up a business proposal before you tell us how to do our jobs.”“Hoseok,” Yoongi snapped, glancing up at him sharply.“You’re right,” Hoseok agreed before bowing his head. He was still feeling very sarcastic but he wasn’t going to come off like a complete asshole. Not so early in the conversation. He wanted to give this girl one last chance to shut up about it.“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to cause any problems. I was just telling Yoongi I feel bad you guys get put on a budget during shopping trips and outings while you film those shows-”“Like Bon Voyage?”“Is that the one about your vacations?”“We don’t have so many shows that Bon Voyage doesn’t tip you off that it’s about vacations,” he retorted, the words slipping out before he had time to really think about them.“Hose-” Yoongi started and Hoseok was quick to cut him off.“That came out wrong, it was meant as a joke. Relax.”“It’s just a bit sad that you all only get like $30-50 dollars a group when you could be going on shopping sprees. That’s the kind of content I’d watch,” Sooyeon mused happily, clearly trying to warm Hoseok up to the topic and make him understand that she was just talking about her own personal impression. For some reason, that irritated Hoseok more.“Well, you’re not exactly ARMY material.”“I think he means that in a harmless way,” Yoongi said to Sooyeon in a tone that Hoseok could tell was a final warning to him.Sooyeon seemed to pick up that there was no getting out of this air of hostility so long as she continued to speak. Hoseok could tell she was making the wise decision to stop volunteering her opinion. Smart girl. “Could you show me an ARMY bomb?” she asked both of them. “I still haven’t gotten to see one up close, “not since that one concert.”“What concert?” Hoseok asked, head tilting to the side.“I came to see one of your shows last year.” She smiled warmly and spoke with an even and calm tone as if hoping that Hoseok would relax already. Her words were only making things worse. “You all did a really gre-”“Wait, we didn’t know about you but you were coming to our concerts?” he snipped.“Just one,” she explained gently, clearly realizing she’d messed up. “Only that one. I didn’t want to come again until I’d met you all so I didn’t get to go a second time.” Yoongi seemed to be giving Hoseok’s temper a bit of leeway here while Hoseok properly registered the information Sooyeon was giving. “It was her idea to stay away until everyone was introduced,” he admitted. He was clearly opting to defend Sooyeon even if it made him look bad. “She refused to sneak around and she did try a couple of times to arrange something.”“And?”“It was never the right time,” Yoongi explained weakly.“Mmm,” Hoseok hummed as he decided he wasn’t going to wait for his tea to finish brewing. He preferred the idea of under-brewed tea to the idea of staying here one more second.“Stay here,” Yoongi finally said to Sooyeon. “I’ll go find an ARMY bomb.”The uncomfortable atmosphere Yoongi left behind as he hurried down the hallway to his room made Hoseok feel physically ill.“I know I put my foot in my mouth sometimes,” Sooyeon spoke up, breaking the long awkward silence between them. Yoongi probably couldn’t find his lightstick. “And I say a lot of things that bother people. I don’t mean anything by it. I always try to make up for these things, though.”“Most would try not to offend people in the first place,” he retorted, refusing to look over at her, choosing to stare at his tea instead.“I do try. I’m very new to this world, Hoseok. I don’t know your rules. My world comes with very different ones,” Sooyeon tried explaining.“There are rules for you people?” She clearly didn’t like his use of the phrase ‘you people’ as she carefully chose her next words.“We live in two very different social environments. I think mine makes me come off as blunt or standoffish. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you, Hoseok.”“Maybe it’d be a good skill to learn how not to trigger reactions in the first place. Maybe by keeping your opinion to yourself when it comes to this band. Considering everything, haven’t you done enough?” Hoseok had meant to keep the last part to himself. He’d meant for that thought to stay firmly in his head and never get said out loud.This girl would rightfully never forgive him. He was sure of it. He also didn’t have a good excuse for his behavior. That comment went too far and it was unfair to blame her for Yoongi’s mistakes.Sooyeon looked heartbroken in a way that surprised Hoseok because it didn’t strike him that she’d care so much about his approval or opinion. Then, it became obvious to him that she really had to care about what the band thought. As horrible as this secret was to their connection, Yoongi was always very devoted to the band. He couldn’t be with someone who didn’t understand how important they were to him.Hoseok was Yoongi’s best friend. If Sooyeon was chasing anyone’s approval, it was his. He felt like a dick. He was gearing up to apologize for what he’d said, but he realized all was lost as he noticed Yoongi was standing at the hallway entrance.“What the hell?” Yoongi called out before rushing to Sooyeon’s side.“I really didn’t mean that, I’m so sorry.” Hoseok said, focused entirely on that sad look in Sooyeon’s eyes that she hid behind a very convincing friendly smile. It would have fooled him if he hadn’t noticed she was breathing sharply, as if facing a terrifying confrontation. It was a subtle kind of panic that he’d learned to notice because it was usually a warning sign he could see in Yoongi when his friend was close to experiencing a panic attack.Hoseok hated causing anyone that kind of discomfort, much less this harmless, albeit annoying girl who didn’t really deserve it.“Hoseok, what is wrong with you?” Yoongi demanded as he guided Sooyeon to stand behind him. He was clearly concerned about her stress level too.It wasn’t that Hoseok was convinced that Sooyeon had some kind of issue with anxiety or anything. She was much too confident for that and she had none of the signs he’d learned to expect. However, it was only hitting Hoseok now what it must have felt like for her having to walk into an environment where all six of Yoongi’s bandmates wished she didn’t exist, wanted her gone, and found her presence automatically offensive.Hoseok felt like a complete asshole.Yoongi made sure he knew just how much of a dick he was being. His words were eviscerating as he started in on a rant about how disrespectful Hoseok was being and how unfair it was to their guest. It was one of the rare times that Yoongi hinted a reminder to Hoseok of his seniority to make a claim about deserving respect, the entire speech taking on the subject of his lack of maturity and respect for both him and Sooyeon.Now Hoseok felt like he was the one who was going to have a panic attack. Choosing to walk away rather than respond, he knew he was only angering Yoongi more but that was better than breaking down in front of Sooyeon. That would just feel like salt in his wound.Despite everything he’d done to the band, here Hoseok was, afraid to start crying over his own grief because he was scared to see Yoongi cry as a result. Yoongi had broken their friendship  and Hoseok still acted like the world revolved around him.They didn’t talk for weeks.Hoseok couldn’t help wondering if things were better this way.  
Flashback - Late Winter 2010
Hoseok couldn’t kiss Yoongi in front of their friends but that was all he wanted to do, much more than he wanted to play this game of chicken where he would touch and tease Yoongi until one of them stopped. This was exciting and thrilling and almost everything he wanted, yes, but it wasn’t enough. More than anything, he just wanted to steal a kiss from his hyung, tell him how he felt, and let the chips fall where they may.But this was too public of a place.Besides, they were surrounded by people who would care about who they found to be their type . Although Hoseok had his suspicions about some of the trainees, none of these truths were safe to share. There were still people among them who would say something to others outside their circle and put them at risk. Worse, perhaps there were people within their circle who would intend to do something themselves. Hoseok had learned from his time at JYP that no one was safe.So, yes, he thought Big Hit was different and the trainees here got along better. However, this city’s environment wasn’t ready to sustain a population of people like them being shameless or open. They were the kind of people who weren’t even recognized as being worth protecting from discrimination by their country’s laws. Whether or not Big Hit was this happy fun-loving circus, Hoseok wasn’t a fool. No one got to hiding secrets as long as he had without learning a thing or two about the grim realities of this world.One could say Hoseok knew better than to take risks. Yet here Hoseok was, with a cheeky hand on Yoongi’s knee under the table. He wasn’t sure how this was going to go as this was new territory for them. Sure, his hand had been there before, but today Hoseok was moving intently to see how serious Yoongi was about exploring this aspect of their friendship.Massaging Yoongi’s knee at first just to let him know he was trying something, Hoseok was careful not to push Yoongi too far. Slowly letting his hand creep up Yoongi’s thigh, he kept his hand on the top of Yoongi’s legs rather than the much more suggestive space between his knees. For now. When he’d tried that back when his hand was lower, Yoongi didn’t seem to mind so that option wasn’t entirely off the table yet.This started as a bit of an adventure for the both of them. Hoseok had fun discovering that Yoongi got very flirty when drunk. They were fighting over their seat on the booth when the group got a table too small. While the other trainees insisted they could find a way to squeeze into the booth together, his smaller hyung insisted on fighting him for the inside seat. He made some hefty claims about Hoseok having wide hips that the dancer pretended to be offended by just to get Yoongi to give up more easily.At some point Yoongi had pulled Hoseok’s hand closer to him before it landed on his lap while in Yoongi’s grip. If there was one odd quirk of Yoongi’s that Hoseok wondered if he’d ever get used to, it was Yoongi’s constant desire to be holding someone’s hand. The trainees didn’t even blink when Yoongi had made this move. It wasn’t something they found surprising anymore, not so long as he wasn’t too public about it. They’d all been victims of the grip of his hands enough times to not look into the meaning behind a simple hand hold.However, unlike his usual hand holding, Yoongi seemed to have gotten distracted at some point and let go of Hoseok’s hand. Hoseok didn’t notice at first, so his hand just ended up staying there, resting on Yoongi’s thigh. He wasn’t sure either of them willed anything to happen. It just did.Before he noticed what had happened, Yoongi stared down at his hand pointedly. Before Hoseok could fully register the moment, Yoongi put his hand back down over Hoseok’s, connecting their fingers by touch even though his palm was resting on the back of Hoseok’s hand. Hoseok couldn’t help noticing there was one specific difference in what they were doing.For the first time, Yoongi started holding Hoseok’s hand flat against his knee. Despite the layers of clothing between his hand and Yoongi’s skin, Hoseok felt himself burning up nervously. Yoongi, however, looked more relaxed than ever. Hoseok couldn’t feel any tension in him. It was as though this touch was more calming than anything else they’d ever done. Though none of the others noticed, Hoseok couldn’t think about anything else that entire day.That was then. Today, however, Hoseok felt like a different man. Rather than hopeful and curious, he felt daring and rebellious. He wanted to see how far Yoongi wanted to go with this, see how comfortable he could be with more. Ever since that first day, Hoseok learned Yoongi was his own person when Namjoon wasn’t around. He stopped being a lovesick dork and started showing off his own talents and boldness rather than playing a complimentary part in someone else’s show.As Hoseok took this chance and continued sliding his hand up Yoongi’s leg, since he seemed relaxed, Yoongi surprised him by taking his hand. Hoseok expected the worst, believing that Yoongi was about to push his hand away. Instead, his hyung slid his hand higher on his thigh. Hoseok had to assume Yoongi was telling him just how far he was willing to push.This wasn’t subtle anymore. Hoseok wondered if Yoongi was sending a message and whether he wanted something more to happen. Looking to Yoongi’s expression, however, his friend looked as innocent as ever. He didn’t even spare Hoseok a glance as he continued speaking with the others.The clear difference was Hoseok could tell how much less stressed Yoongi was in this moment. The anxiety that usually plagued him was nowhere to be found as he sat there laughing at all their friends’ jokes. Even as his hand curled around Hoseok’s for a second to hold it before lying his hand flat over Hoseok’s, the dancer was reminded of how Yoongi had done this the first time too. He held him there so that his hand was resting on his thigh this time, close enough that no one could claim this was a friendly touch.Though he’d thought Yoongi was expressing his limit, the pressure Yoongi was putting on his hand was practically daring him to make another move. Hoseok dared a squeeze of his hand. He listened as Yoongi’s breath faltered mid-sentence as he spoke to their friends. Quickly darting a glance around the table, no one seemed to have been paying much attention. Their eyes were on the dance floor.The next moment, Yoongi closed his eyes so briefly that only Hoseok could catch that he’d been the trigger for his momentary hesitation. He’d interrupted the rapper’s concentration. The pressure on his hand egged him on further. As Hoseok slid his hand to Yoongi’s inner thigh, he could feel the older man jolt just slightly like he’d been surprised. It wasn’t enough for Hoseok to get the impression that he was upset or disturbed, not when the pressure on his hand continued pushing him. A new trainee named Joonwoo called for Hoseok to comment regarding the ongoing debate that their friends were having. He was disagreeing with Yoongi over something trivial, though Hoseok was sure Yoongi was barely paying attention to the talk and was using the conversation as a distraction. Hoseok knew where Yoongi’s attention really was. “I get where you’re coming from,” Hoseok said, barely sure about what they were talking about but knowing how to fake attentiveness. He glanced at Yoongi, who was licking his lips and looking the other way. Hoseok resisted a smile.“So you agree?” Joonwoo asked. He seemed very pleased with himself. “See? The trainers are too harsh.”“Complaining about the staff is not a good way to start a trainee career,” Hoseok commented, accidentally coming off as sassy. There were light chuckles coming from the other trainees. Joonwoo looked miffed. The dancer supposed that had more to do with the smug smile on Yoongi’s face than with what Hoseok had said. “Sorry.” As much as Hoseok tried to backtrack, Joonwoo was soon gone, dragging some of the other trainees to go dance with him. The few who stayed continued to watch the dancers and talk. Yoongi turned to Hoseok, giving him his full undivided attention in a way that made the dancer feel almost shy.Yoongi just giggled right in his face and blushed just subtly enough that no one in their company noticed. However, considering how close Hoseok was to him, he was glowing red from this proximity. His toothy grin that Hoseok had grown so fond of was on full display.Hoseok was pretty sure he fell in love in that moment but he squashed that thought as soon as it came. He inherently wasn’t a romantic. The dancer didn’t believe that love was all that magical. It was something he wanted. He believed it existed. It wasn’t that he had a major complex about love. It just wasn’t something he put more weight into than was necessary.And he certainly didn’t believe in falling in love so fast, especially not falling in love with silly men who swooned over any straight man that befriended him. Then again, Hoseok could be called out for falling for someone whose eyes were always watching someone else.Except in this moment. Right now, Yoongi’s eyes were finally on him. He couldn’t help staring back with a warm smile as he forgot what he’d planned to say. Yoongi was smiling back, staring just as intensely.  He was glowing. Hoseok was pretty sure he’d never seen him brighter. His rational side had to understand that it was a result of just how intoxicated the older man was, but the view was too stunning for Hoseok to care what had caused it.Yoongi was one of the happiest drunks Hoseok knew. He was bolder, funnier, and more relaxed. Hoseok loved Yoongi just fine sober, but after a few beers there was something about the way they connected when their inhibitions were lower.He could imagine a future where this happened again and that gave him hope that maybe he’d have a chance. Yoongi could pretend in the morning that the touches they were sneaking were just them being handsy drunks. Knowing how nervous Yoongi got, Hoseok knew that was probably what he'd say to dismiss the matter, that they were drunk and it was all friendly.Hoseok had seen Yoongi do that to others, to any men and women who were clearly flirting with him. He didn’t own up to it as if holding up some kind of loyalty for the romance playing out in his head where he imagined himself with Namjoon.“You look handsome,” Yoongi blurted out finally, his hand finally releasing Hoseok’s just to brush a strand of hair out of his face. Hoseok had to play the game “Confidence or Slip Up” whenever Yoongi said these things to be able to tell if his friend simply felt comfortable enough to be blunt or whether the alcohol was affecting him.Considering the way Yoongi was blushing even harder than before, more visible, Hoseok got his answer. Thankfully, they were alone now. Yoongi didn’t stop there.“Especially with your hair like this,” he continued. “I love what you’ve done with it.”“I only got it cut short,” Hoseok noted, nervously brushing the comment off. Yoongi was a very complimentary person, but rarely did he remark on Hoseok’s looks like this. Especially not with that look in his eyes. They were lucky to have the quick reflexes that they did as they pulled away when their friends approached. Deciding he was worn out from all of the events of the night once it became clear that their friends wouldn’t be leaving them alone any time soon, Hoseok got someone to agree to drive him home only for Yoongi to decide to join him.Hoseok felt a little nervous about them being dropped off together, but he shook that feeling off as they settled into the backseat of their friend’s car and secretly continued their flirty game.Back at the dorms, they were in the hallway alone as they stumbled around waiting for their eyes to adjust to the darkness. They couldn’t turn on the lights or else they’d be caught having snuck out in the first place while returning with alcohol on their breath. As they got more comfortable navigating the halls with ease, Hoseok could tell Yoongi was staring at him when they’d finally reached the correct floor.“What?” Hoseok asked nervously.“Nothing,” Yoongi answered lamely. Hoseok was suspicious. He wondered if Yoongi could see him narrowing his eyes at him in the dark. “Your hair.”“You can’t see my hair.”“Okay fine. It’s nothing.”“Min Yoongi.”“Thanks for tonight,” Yoongi said suddenly. “And Hoseok?”Hoseok wasn’t sure why Yoongi was asking for his attention when Hoseok could hardly be thinking of anything else. Finally meeting Yoongi’s eyes, Hoseok realized why Yoongi needed to call for his attention. He was zoning out, lost in thought.“Yeah?” he breathed out, wanting to reassure Yoongi that he was listening.“Let’s do this again.”“Go out?” Hoseok asked, feeling dumb for asking but also feeling the need to be cautious not to assume Yoongi meant all of the flirting.“No,” Yoongi answered simply with another toothy grin that Hoseok could have sworn he saw too clearly in this darkness. Hoseok had his answer. He did not, however, have the time to react to Yoongi leaning in.Yoongi kissed him on his cheek, the edge of their lips just grazing each other but ultimately landing on skin regardless. It was like they didn’t kiss but they’d been a hair away from being able to say they did. Hoseok had to believe that Yoongi had been aiming for a cheek kiss because he didn’t want to get his hopes up and imagine a world where Yoongi meant to aim where his kiss landed, or even better if he had meant to aim for his lips.“Good night,” Yoongi singsonged at him, clearly teasing because he could see Hoseok’s shaken expression. Yoongi’s eyes were practically hidden, nearly closed due to his wide smile. Hoseok wasn’t sure he’d ever seen him so joyful.Hoseok wasn’t sure what possessed him to respond the way he did.“Good night, baby,” he answered, thankful that his voice hadn’t cracked and instead presented itself in a smooth tone.Yoongi’s little giggle was going to haunt him, Hoseok realized. That cute little sound was something he prayed he’d hear again one day soon.It was Week 8 of his time at Big Hit and Hoseok knew he was fucked. He was in love with Min Yoongi and that was just about the scariest thing about trainee life so far. 
Flashback - Karaoke Night
As Hoseok carried Yoongi into his bed, he wondered what the repercussions would be of the confession Yoongi just made to the band after their night out.A part of Hoseok couldn’t believe the entire band was really so shocked that Yoongi wasn’t straight. Yeah, Yoongi was definitely well-practiced in flaunting his attraction to certain women and knew how to make his heterosexual impulses known. Still, it was surprising to find out the band really seemed to have had no clue whatsoever. Yoongi was admittedly good at hiding though. It was similar to the way that Hoseok had learned to suppress any instances where his homosexuality tried to make itself known. These were survival tactics he used that became second nature when he realized that he’d be under observation 24/7.Yoongi’s bisexuality was well-repressed, but a part of Hoseok couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was just about what he knew. Yoongi’s affair with a fellow passenger of the private flight they’d taken with a few other bands, that revelation took him aback. It made him realize Yoongi could have been pursuing relationships with men in the year since his breakup with Sooyeon and Hoseok would be none the wiser.Regardless, Hoseok wondered why Yoongi kept his sexuality a secret so long. Once they reached a certain point in their friendship, he figured the band was ready to handle a secret like that. Besides, Yoongi didn’t really have a leg to stand on when it came to keeping even more secrets from the band.Maybe Yoongi feared the same repercussions Hoseok did. They’d both seen what happened to Joonwoo. Their careers couldn’t handle that kind of blow. A love life wasn’t worth being ruined. For Yoongi that meant giving up men as an option. For Hoseok, well, it meant giving up a love life as an option.He couldn’t blame Yoongi for hiding this part of himself. After all, for Hoseok, it was like his heart had stopped when Yoongi had confessed. He was petrified out of fear for Yoongi’s fate after the truth came out. As much as he wanted to judge Yoongi for hiding for so long, Hoseok knew he was not considering coming clean about his own sexuality any time soon. In fact, he was also pretty sure no one in the band other than Yoongi had figured it out by now.Jin’s reaction to Yoongi’s secret was discomforting to say the least. So was Namjoon’s when he began defending Jin’s inappropriate reaction, even if that reaction was motivated by shock. Hoseok was still sure that Jin would get over whatever weird fit he was having. They were all family, after all.Tucking Yoongi into his bed in clothing loosened just enough by Hoseok that he’d at least be able to sleep comfortably, Hoseok kissed his best friend’s forehead as he usually did whenever Yoongi was sick and in need of care. Hoseok couldn’t help this silly, immature belief that he could maybe hope for the boys to wake up with a different attitude with this revelation. Maybe they’d change enough in their negativity that one day Hoseok would feel comfortable coming out. This came with the slightest hope that they’d be accepting so that Hoseok could possibly use coming out as a motivation to admit his feelings to Yoongi.However, every time he considered coming out with the truth, he remembered seeing first hand what coming out and being exposed could do to a person. Even Namjoon wasn’t on Joonwoo’s side at the time that he got kicked out. If Hoseok had ever been exposed….he wasn’t sure who would turn on him and who wouldn’t. There was just no way of knowing. 
Flashback - Spring 2011
Things with Yoongi slowed down a bit. Although they made a lot of progress any time they were drunk, and Hoseok loved spending a drunken night just getting to touch Yoongi wherever he wanted while their friends weren’t looking, not much would come of it once they were sober.Two cute little blessings named Jungkook and Taehyung entered their lives as young, naive, and cute little trainee babies. They weren’t the only young trainees but they were the ones Hoseok got along with best since the two of them always seemed to be in need of his sunshine persona’s company but radiated their own warmth just with their innocent, hearty laughter and their pure, unjaded ability to find the fun in any situation. Squirm as they did to get away from his kisses, Hoseok would cover them both with his affectionate smooches until they learned to stop being life ruiners. He felt this strong desire to protect them from the world. At first, it was not a justifiable reaction considering the trainees were perfectly safe and seemingly ecstatic to be there. However, as a new era dawned on Big Hit’s social structure, he was right to begin to fear for the little maknaes’ safety and happiness.Hoseok didn't know when he got so damn optimistic about this entire thing. When coming into Big Hit, he had a pretty realistic view of how everything was going to go down. Now? He saw fellow trainees as family that he couldn’t live without. This idealistic view of the trainee system was vulnerable to attack now that the power dynamic at Big Hit was undergoing some big changes.This regime change all started when a trainee named Doyun started training with Big Hit. Much like Jungkook, Doyun had juggled offers from other companies and even trained with SM for a few weeks before switching over. Claiming he didn't feel challenged enough by SM, Doyun had the trainers at Big Hit bending over backwards to prove to him he made the right choice. Doyun was talented. Not nearly as talented as Jungkook, the trainers’ favorite, but he had the potential to compete even with the original circle of trainees, including Yoongi and Namjoon. He was a gifted dancer, singer, and a true visual. When it came to Doyun's powerful hold over all the trainees' fascination, he had everyone molding like putty in his hands as they were absorbed in their desire to get to know him.Then things took a turn when someone compared Doyun's talent to Jungkook’s. Then it was all over. Realizing he had to intimidate the more talented trainees that exceeded his own abilities, Doyun resorted to mind games and assertions of dominance over the fearful and unjaded trainees who had gotten used to altruism among fellow trainees. No one had made this game of survival feel like a real competition until Doyun started exerting his influence.Some of the original circle had left already at this point. There was a void in the delicate power dynamic of the company’s trainee system that Doyun was filling up to his advantage.Hoseok supposed he was grateful that Doyun was so open about being a dick, though. For a minute there, Yoongi had been getting heart eyes over Doyun’s visual and his cold, icy demeanor.According to some comments he overheard about how Jungkook seemed like a weirdo to Doyun because he didn’t take interest in any of the female trainees, Hoseok realized Yoongi had found another man just his type: straight as hell. Just like Namjoon.With that homophobic comment about Jungkook, Doyun seemed a little too problematic to be accepting of another man flirting with him. So Hoseok had to work pretty hard to keep Yoongi from falling for his charms. Meanwhile, trainees took their sides between Doyun’s bullies and Namjoon’s altruists. In a surprise move, Joonwoo joined the bullies pretty effortlessly, seemingly very close to Doyun from the beginning. It was a little surprising that Joonwoo sided with a homophobe considering how the man tried multiple times (sometimes half-succeeding) to get Hoseok to consider going to his old apartment and “getting to know each other”. It made no sense to Hoseok, Joonwoo was so eager to join the “dark side”, as Namjoon would call it.It was ten weeks after joining Big Hit that Hoseok had the sneaking suspicion that Namjoon had a secret girlfriend that Yoongi knew about. It was written all over Yoongi’s face. At first, Hoseok had worried that the two of them had started an affair considering how much they were sneaking around. However, while Yoongi stayed at home, Namjoon was spending a lot of nights in the trainee hideout, a hookup den they all pitched into monthly to have a place to go drink, host parties, and have sex without the trainers finding out.Eventually Yoongi told Hoseok the secret about Micha, but Hoseok regretted being in the loop the second that opened him up to 24/7 complaints about Namjoon’s girlfriend and how everything about her was evil and nasty.Luckily in the same week, he and Joonwoo were reaching a breaking point once they were assigned the same fitness course. Joonwoo had a way of making gestures and stares as seductive as they could get without others noticing. Hoseok found himself fighting off arousal as Joonwoo did his best to work him up. He’d gone as far as nearly convincing Hoseok to go into the showers with him once everyone else was gone.Hoseok normally wasn’t so susceptible but lately Yoongi wasn’t giving him anything to live off of when even his drunk self wanted to talk about Micha rather than flirt in their usual routine. This started a lengthy epoch of time where Hoseok didn’t realize just how invisible he must have been to Yoongi to be getting so ignored all the time.When talk of Micha died down, Hoseok was sure he’d finally have a chance.Enter Kim Seokjin.Hoseok never thought he could hate a man so much when they hadn’t so much as exchanged words in the week since he’d started. It was hard to run into him considering he didn’t live in the dorms with the others at all.Realizing he was irrevocably fucked because he was falling in love with his best friend, Hoseok had to accept that Yoongi was out chasing bad boys. Thanks to Seokjin, Doyun was no longer the prettiest of the trainees. Somehow this meant that Doyun had to recruit Seokjin at all costs. It didn’t take him long. Seokjin seemed pretty weak-minded. While Yoongi was vehemently claiming that Seokjin was not who Hoseok thought he was, Seokjin joined Doyun’s bully circle and began harassing the other trainees.Hoseok started to get the impression that Yoongi only flirted with him while drunk because he just wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t see it as anything serious. That was the only explanation for how he could mean so little to Yoongi.Meanwhile, Yoongi couldn't shut up about the broad-shouldered new guy. Hoseok was livid when Seokjin turned out to start acting like an ass to everyone and Yoongi was still going ‘you don't understand’, ‘I talked to him’, and ‘he's different’.At the same time as falling in love with Yoongi, Hoseok was slowly realizing as time went on that he didn't have a flying chance. He tried to move on repeatedly. The only thing that regularly messed him was that whenever he and Yoongi went out together, they ended up all over each other. As much as Hoseok wanted to stop himself, his drunk self just seemed to really really need to touch Yoongi. It kept getting him into trouble. Hoseok’s other problem was that Yoongi seemed to ignore everything the next day, every time, as if the only reason he flirted with Hoseok was because they were drunk and he saw it as harmless fun while Hoseok’s heart broke over and over. 
Flashback - A Week Ago
It was the first time Jungkook ever came to Hoseok for help with his newest batch of nightmares. He didn’t know what had changed the maknae’s mind and made him seek help but he was very insistent about seeking out Hoseok’s company.Hoseok had known something was wrong the moment he noticed Jungkook was wearing concealer to hide the bags under his eyes. If there was one thing that Hoseok used to be completely sure of it was that Jungkook both hated makeup and had no idea how to use it. For him to willingly wear concealer of his own accord - there had to be a reason he didn’t want the hyungs to know he wasn’t sleeping. They wouldn’t have made a big enough deal over a simple sleep schedule issue or bout of insomnia. No - something had to be seriously wrong with Jungkook for him to be hiding things.When Jungkook came to his door, Hoseok could feel nothing but relief although his words were concerning. Hoseok pulled the maknae into a tight hug, his face tucked into Jungkook’s neck and his arms wrapped as far as they could go around the maknae’s torso, as though he was clinging on for dear life. “What is it hyung?” Jungkook asked, confused as to Hoseok’s reaction. “You’re asking for help,” Hoseok cheered in a whisper. His worries were getting him worked up and he felt a little overwhelmed but more than anything he felt an overabundance of love for the youngest band member. “You even trust me enough to come to me. I’m so happy you’re here, Kookie.” He loosened his grip on the younger man just enough to make sure he was comfortable, but he kept him in the embrace.“I don’t want you to be worried,” Jungkook confessed hesitantly.“Nothing’s going to happen to you while hyung’s around,” Hoseok reassured him, repeating a line he used often with Jungkook whenever he had vicious nightmares. This wasn’t the first time Jungkook ever needed to come to him about nightmares. Hoseok felt a little silly for not connecting the dots. Back when he was just a scared teen, Jungkook suffered from vivid horrific nightmares whenever he felt particularly anxious or even just homesick. He’d wake up fearing for his safety or the safety of those he loved.He was too old to be told that one person could keep all the problems away, but that didn’t stop Hoseok from basically convincing him that it was true in this case. Hoseok promised him nothing would happen and Jungkook was able to hold onto that promise for the handful of months that he needed reassurance to sleep peacefully. Back then, all of Jungkook’s hyungs took turns visiting him for the night just to promise to play guard dog to make sure nothing and no one could come and threaten Jungkook. The threat wasn’t actually real to the point where these little guard shifts were going to help him at all, but just the fact that he had protection there was enough to soothe the young boy once. Hoseok hoped he’d find a way to convince the maknae of the strength of that safety bubble again. Hoseok couldn’t help admitting to his thoughts, especially once it seemed emotion took over Jungkook and had the maknae crying while hugging his hyung back tighter than before. Jungkook buried his face in Hoseok’s neck and Hoseok just rubbed his back.“Back then, it wasn’t the night shifts that made you feel safe, Kookie.” Jungkook nodded so immediately that Hoseok realized he had to have been thinking of the same stream of memories. “It was knowing you had your hyungs here to fight off any scary thoughts, or nightmares, or monsters. We’re here for you, baby. You know that.”“I know-” Jungkook breathed out, trying to get a hold of himself.“Come to bed,” Hoseok instructed finally, lightly pulling Jungkook along by his wrist. Taking his hand, Hoseok kissed the back of it when they reached the edge of his bed. Jungkook nervously got under the covers as though he was waiting for Hoseok to change his mind at any second. To show him how committed he was, Hoseok pulled him closer to him on the bed. He convinced Jungkook to lay his head on his chest so that he could hold him for a little while, promising to let go later when they were actually going to sleep.Jungkook asked if he could come every other night. Hoseok told him he could come whenever he wanted. He also said if Jungkook ever called for him, that he’d come.“That’s what I’m here for: taking care of our Kookie,” Hoseok answered. Hoseok moved to kiss Jungkook like he always did, with a sweet peck just below his neck. Surprisingly, Jungkook didn’t jokingly resist like he usually did. Instead, he moved so that Hoseok could reach his collarbone. Hoseok gave Jungkook a long kiss before encouraging the maknae to try and get some sleep.He could tell that making Jungkook listen to his heartbeat had done wonders to calm the maknae down. Before long, Jungkook was out cold, sleeping peacefully with his ear still at Hoseok’s heart, his body lax, and sprawled almost entirely over his hyung. Laying there quietly, lost in drowsy thoughts, Hoseok couldn’t help wondering if this was meant to feel uncomfortable because he’d never felt so cozy in his life.Tonight, he could sleep a bit better knowing that Jungkook’s wellness was in his hands now. He knew he’d go to any lengths to help his baby. Things would get better from here, Hoseok decided as he tried to calm his own nerves, trying not to fear the idea of not being able to solve this for Jungkook. The poor boy really needed things to get better fast. Hoseok supposed that could be helped in the morning when he asked the maknae what it was that he was clearly hiding. 
Flashback - Spring 2011
During a house party that Yoongi had forced him to attend since Seokjin invited them despite their rivalry, Hoseok and Joonwoo were tangled up in each other as they made out on what Hoseok had to assume was Seokjin’s parents’ bed.As his family was away for a vacation that Seokjin wasn’t allowed to leave the training program to join them on, Seokjin decided to throw a huge house party as Doyun requested in order to brag about Seokjin’s lifestyle. His house was lavish and elegant, but Hoseok took a bit of joy in knowing that something expensive would probably break before the end of the night.Joonwoo pulled at the strands of his hair lightly as he kissed him. The sensation made parts of Hoseok tense up and then release as he was playfully teased. Just as Hoseok considered pulling him to the edge of the bed and dropping to his knees, Joonwoo beat him to it, fitting himself between Hoseok's legs as he started unbuttoning his pants.Staring up at him with this very serious look on his face, the intensity of his gaze was broken only by mischievous grin that made Hoseok scowl. Joonwoo was so handsome Hoseok wanted to yell at him sometimes. For a traitor asshole who liked to hang out with homophobes for whatever twisted reason (or whatever he was set to gain from lying, considering it didn’t seem like Joonwoo and Doyun actually got along for real), Joonwoo had a princely smile and a dashing charm that made Hoseok violently disapproving. Someone so full of themselves shouldn’t have this kind of power.If that intense stare Hoseok was getting from Joonwoo continued while his lips were wrapped around his length then Joonwoo wouldn’t have to work for very long because Hoseok could already feel himself enjoying this too much. Hoseok missed things like this, little flings. The trainees were handsome and he deserved to try his hand at all the different affairs he could be having. He’d abstained out of some ridiculous sense of loyalty that was getting him nowhere.Hoseok felt guilty about using Seokjin’s parents’ bed but then he was reminded that if it wasn’t him then some day it could be Yoongi. If Seokjin wasn’t as straight as Hoseok assumed he was, that asshole was going to be sleeping with his best friend soon enough, even if Hoseok could guarantee Yoongi would be heartbroken before that went anywhere.Who cared whose bed this was? If Joonwoo was willing to keep going, Hoseok wasn’t afraid to go as far as his partner wanted. It was Seokjin’s house anyway so adding insult to injury was just ideal and efficient this way.The sudden commotion from downstairs stopped them even though Hoseok so desperately needed whatever sweet torture Joonwoo was about to give him. He heard Yoongi’s name and turned just after Seokjin’s name being said made Joonwoo turn. There was enough laughter following those two exclamations that Hoseok felt very frightened instantly.Concerned about any situation that involved those two boys together, Hoseok rushed out with Joonwoo as soon as they could hide their disheveled states well enough. No one was near the the door so they were able to sneak back out just as easily as they snuck in. Rejoining the others, Hoseok figured out what was happening pretty quickly. In trying to meddle with Seokjin’s plans picking up some girls, in a way not totally unexpected of Yoongi, the rapper accidentally ended up getting set up into a forced kiss.This kiss seemed like everything Yoongi wanted, but Hoseok instantly knew the truth. Yoongi would regret it later. Hoseok could foresee how this was going to go and suddenly he was ready to do everything in his power to make it happen. Yoongi needed to learn his lesson the hard way.While Jin’s friends held him for the kiss to gradually inch their lips closer together, Hoseok was part of a group of Yoongi's friends who were holding him for the kiss. He knew straight-boy!Jin was going to ruin this little crush Yoongi had going. He knew Seokjin was going to panic. If Hoseok succeeded in orchestrating this kiss by pressuring Yoongi to follow through, his best friend was hopefully going to come to his senses and realize that pining for a straight boy is stupid when the man can’t so much as stand to kiss him.It was like magic. Yoongi somehow walked out of that party and ended up completely over his feelings for Seokjin by the next day. Hoseok was thrilled.After Yoongi used that to get over Jin, Hoseok was ready to leave the beginnings of this affair with Joonwoo behind and finally pursue his feelings for Yoongi. Joonwoo looked displeased when Hoseok informed him that their little tryst couldn’t happen again, but he also looked doubtful. He seemed as though he didn’t fully believe Hoseok really wouldn’t be back to him.Like clockwork, Micha had to go and ruin everything. Hoseok didn’t know the details but he ultimately discovered that Namjoon’s relationship just ended and left the band leader candidate broken into crumbs.Hoseok was only let in on the secret because he’d figured it out, not as any kind of sign of trust from Namjoon or Yoongi. He had become suspicious again that these two were up to something with how often they disappeared together. Despite his suspicions, Hoseok wasn’t the kind to snoop. He eventually only found out because he found Yoongi holding a crying Namjoon a week later in the third floor bathroom. After days of Yoongi frequently disappearing all the time, Hoseok managed to catch them the one day that Yoongi forgot to lock the door behind him.Hoseok almost wished it had been an affair because at least then this turmoil would finally be over. It hit him in that moment, staring down at Namjoon, that for weeks Yoongi would drop absolutely everything just to run to Namjoon’s side to be there for him without hesitation whenever he needed him.Bitter could not even begin to describe how Hoseok was feeling as he took a seat on the cold floor with the two rappers and let Namjoon cry on his shoulder for a half hour as he plotted a way to fall out of love with Min Yoongi to spare himself the endless heartache he’d come to know.The answer came upon him by accident. The best way for Yoongi to lose his love was for him to witness just how ugly Yoongi’s accusations could get when he was angry. Though Hoseok had barely revisited the idea of hooking up with Joonwoo once and for all, a quick exchange of smirks between Hoseok and Joonwoo had been enough to tip Yoongi off to their chemistry.And Yoongi was too drunk to be tactful or nice about his impressions.“One of them, Hoseok? Really?” his dark, deep voice had remarked at the very top of the conversation. It was all downhill from there. Yoongi took things from zero to a hundred in less than a few sentences. “They only push Jungkook and Taehyung around, sabotage our friends, and conspire like villains, but hey as long as you get your dick wet-”Hoseok could not believe what he was hearing.Unable to answer, Hoseok stewed quietly as Yoongi continued offering up judgmental little afterthoughts to back up his last remark. Nothing could have made the blow more hurtful at this point. He couldn’t believe Yoongi had the audacity to talk to him like that, as if he was some immoral slut who didn’t care about his friends. The truth of the matter was that if Yoongi wanted to really argue this point, Joonwoo was known for preventing most altercations between Doyun’s circle and the other trainees. He liked to defuse situations and remind Doyun some fights weren’t worth it.Meanwhile, Jin had threatened the maknaes more than once by now and was considered by most to be Doyun’s favorite, best friend, and most trusted ally. Somehow sleeping with Joonwoo made Hoseok a slut but defending Jin despite his many reprehensible deeds made Yoongi a saint.Hoseok called bullshit, also too drunk to be diplomatic about things.“So, what?” he asked sarcastically, knowing that Yoongi wouldn’t have a good response for the answers Hoseok was about to demand. “Jin is best friends with their ringleader. When it’s him, you’re all ‘oh he’s different than them’, ‘he’s not like this’, ‘he’s a good person’, but you think I’m hooking up with one of them and suddenly I’m just a slut with no standards?”Yoongi looked dumbstruck as if he just realized his own insinuation and seemed to be processing where Hoseok’s violent reaction was coming from.“That’s not what I meant. It’s different,” Yoongi defended nervously.Hoseok couldn’t help his sarcastic huff. “‘It’s different.’ You’re so full of shit. For your information, I’m not sleeping with him. It’d be none of your business if I was.” Hoseok was done being owned. He was done being one of Yoongi’s possessions. He’d given too much power over his affairs to the man and now he was overstepping.The low blow Hoseok gave was an accident but not necessarily a mistake.“You don’t get to go around treating someone like a slut for not sitting around obsessing over people they can’t have,” he said pointedly. “You know, considering what a nice pushover you are for your best friend, you’d think you’d treat your other friends with some sort of respect.”“My best friend?”“Namjoon gets his hair ruffled and his tears wiped over a breakup with some girl that you hated, but god forbid I try to get laid. Suddenly I’m like some classless, horny teenager who can’t control himself.”“That’s not what I meant. And Namjoon isn’t my best friend, you know that. Not after everything-”“I don’t care what you two are. If anyone deserves that credit, it’s me. I stand behind you on all of your bullshit and you just treat me like I don’t matter or you scold me like a fucking pet. I’m sick of it. You don’t control me. I can sleep with whoever I want. I can do what I want. I can be friends with anyone and you don’t get a say in it.”“You are my best friend, Hoseok.”“You don’t treat friends like this, Yoongi. I’ve seen how you are with your real friends. Send my best to Namjoon and Seokjin, I know you’ll have plenty of time for them once I’m out of the picture.” Hoseok turned his back to Yoongi and started walking out.“Hoseok,” Yoongi called out, his voice shaking. “Hoseok, please.” Hoseok didn’t stop, knowing he’d never stop feeling ashamed if he let Yoongi win on this just because he was sad.Maybe this pushed him closer to Joonwoo. Sure, they ultimately ended up sleeping together and engaging in an affair. However, Hoseok was starting to like himself a little better knowing now that he’d stood up for himself. Hooking up with Joonwoo wasn’t even about pissing Yoongi off either, it was about doing what he wanted to do without useless guilt. Joonwoo just made the same enticing offer again. Hoseok just did what he would have done regardless of his status with Yoongi.He hadn’t done it out of spite, but that didn’t mean that the pettiest voice wouldn’t surface at the end of nights with Joonwoo hoping Yoongi would feel spited seeing them constantly leave together for hours at a time each night. Hoseok hoped he looked as fucked out and satisfied as he felt.Hoseok was making some great discoveries meanwhile.Kissing Joonwoo was the kind of thrilling experience that felt like it'd never have to end where Hoseok felt like he could stay there forever despite the risk of getting caught. Loyalty was such a useless concept in this situation. Hoseok deserved this. He just lay there, relaxed but somehow also tense as Joonwoo made himself comfortable between Hoseok’s legs like he belonged there. Hoseok didn't even care how loud he was being. It would be Joonwoo’s fault if his neighbors got upset.At Joonwoo’s request, they were in his old apartment from before he’d chosen to move in with the trainees unlike Seokjin and Doyun, who preferred to stay in his lavish home with full commodities that the trainees had to miss out on. Joonwoo may have been rich but Hoseok felt he demonstrated that he didn’t seem as spoiled as he could be. The perks of sleeping with someone rich, however, was that they had their own place to sneak away to.If they could even make it to the apartment before Hoseok got impatient. Though, Joonwoo’s riches also paid off in the size of his car that allowed just enough room for them to get very comfortable in any seat they pleased if they couldn’t wait to get to the apartment before getting each other naked.Moaning into a kiss, Hoseok realized Joonwoo really made kissing him such a vital part of the entire experience. So much kissing was normally too intimate for Hoseok in a hookup, especially considering how little he felt he could trust Joonwoo. However, Joonwoo was so good at this he couldn't refuse. Hoseok had to admit the consistency of their affair had everything to do with how good Joonwoo turned out to be in bed.Sometimes their meetups were like this. Other times they were coldly telling each other to shut up and fighting for dominance before one of them finally gave in. Hoseok had to admit he normally didn't like to bottom during a hookup since he felt very exposed doing so. It was usually too intimate and vulnerable for him to agree to with acquaintances.Of course, Joonwoo was a little too much of a smug asshole to consider bottoming the first time.By now, this was about a week into their affair and they were still having sex every day, multiple times a day if they could get away with it. Hoseok wasn't even that big on having sex so often outside of a relationship, but it just felt nice to be seen. Joonwoo was so good at giving his partner the attention they needed. This whole arrangement ultimately worked out for the better. It made hating Joonwoo and his bully friends a little less stressful, especially because he was starting to realized that this specific man was harmless even if his friends certainly weren’t.Joonwoo was grinding against Hoseok's ass, pulling him out of his thoughts as he moaned helplessly. "I learned this one from you," Joonwoo muttered before kissing him. He mercilessly pounded into Hoseok until he was crying out against his will, despite how hard he was resisting just for the sake of his pride, a little nervous about how desperate he sounded. His moans were involuntary at this rate."Joonwoo," he warned when he realized he was feeling too much at once. He was so overwhelmed but it was such a familiar sensation now after being with him like this so often. At his request, Joonwoo slowed down. Hoseok sighed out, relieved. He relaxed only to be surprised by a brutal series of thrusts as Joonwoo pounded into him in short intervals, talking down at him about what a hot little sub he made and how good fucking him felt.Maybe it was strange to use sex to successfully ignore his heartache, but it was a successful method of helping Hoseok keep it together after losing his best friend.
Present Day
Hoseok wasn’t attracted to women but it didn’t take that kind of orientation to understand just how stunning Naeun was. She was appealing to look at and her eyes had Hoseok bewitched in a way that had nothing to do with sexual attraction and everything to do with flattering aesthetics.Tae was right about her, the first remark you had to make was all about how pretty she was. Jin was also accurate to describe her as one of the prettiest women he’d ever met. Hoseok wondered if he could say the same despite a life of meeting visually perfect idols and celebrities worldwide.Hoseok didn’t mean to run into her. After having his old affair exposed to Yoongi, and being rightfully chewed out by Namjoon, Hoseok was looking to blow some steam off with a walk. Naeun picked a terrible time to cross his path.As she directly approached him with intent, he wondered how she even knew who he was. She must have recognized him from the band. Even though it didn’t necessarily mean she was a fan, he couldn’t help wanting to roll his eyes. She was using proper terms and addressing him with the utmost respect in her formal language. Though he knew that was customary and not unexpected, he still wanted to dislike it on principle. It made him want to paint her as a suck up.Naeun spoke fast, as if trying not to take up too much of his time. Too late. Hoseok wasn’t sure he’d ever been in a worse mood. He applauded his own self-control for not cutting Naeun off and telling her to leave him alone.“Your bandmate Yoongi, he seemed very ill earlier today. Dazed, out of it, I told some of your other bandmates already but they seemed distracted. All I wanted to tell you was that he might need checking up on. He seemed very resistant to getting help from anyone before so I figured he wouldn’t tell you all that he was ill,” she explained. “That’s all I had to say.”As he recalled how sick Yoongi was in the fitting room before Hoseok got him any food, he was haunted by Yoongi’s heartbroken gaze into the air. He wore that expression the entire time he ate, as if forgetting Hoseok was there, too consumed in grief. The words Yoongi had said to him many minutes prior rang in his head. You never loved me. Hoseok was ready to break down. The last thing he needed was for Naeun to expose him but the concerned look on her face gave him the warning he should have expected that she was about to comment on his evident emotional conflict. He pleaded with her in his head not to bother asking.“Are you okay?” she asked suddenly, clearly nervous about prying.“I didn’t sleep. I need some rest, sorry. I’ll tell him you checked in.” Fat chance. He wouldn’t tell Yoongi a word of this. “Thank you for your concern. I’ll keep an eye on him.” He’d keep an eye on him like he always did, which was why Yoongi didn’t need any stranger’s concern to play a role in this.Naeun needed to mind her own business.Also overwhelmed at the sudden reminder that he was being blackmailed and the company would possibly find out the affair during trainee years was with a male trainee and not a female trainee, Hoseok was pretty sure his lungs were caving in.As he left, Naeun said a few polite things only to be surprised as Hoseok walked away without a word. Hoseok really couldn't help imposing the idea that Naeun's fearful, shy attitude was somehow similar to Sooyeon's blunt, snobby behavior in some way. He just resented her in a similar fashion for admittedly biased reasons.
Flashback - Spring 2011
Hoseok and Yoongi hadn’t talked in days and all he had to comfort himself was Joonwoo’s company. While it wasn’t ideal, Hoseok felt lucky that Joonwoo was really great at making himself a distraction.Degradation wasn't a kink Hoseok thought he'd like so much in a commitment-free hookup, but every time Joonwoo called him a slut, it felt just as safe as it had with a past partner of his that he actually trusted. For some reason he really could believe Joonwoo wasn't going to hurt him or anything.Joonwoo was so vocal. Walking into this affair, Hoseok intended to forget who he was with as best he could due to their rivalry, but instead he was moaning Joonwoo's name to him on the regular multiple times daily.Today, Hoseok could hardly focus through the haze but when he picked up on what Joonwoo was saying, it turned him into a moaning, desperate mess. Earlier this week, he’d teased Joonwoo with pictures of himself exposed for the camera in an enticing and very graphic pose. He’d been in the room when Joonwoo received it and he could tell just how much the man had loved it."This is for those damn pictures-" he complained aggressively. "You're always teasing me. Don't I fuck you enough during the day? Before class, after dinner, sometimes just on the way to your dorms. You're so luck we fit in my car, Hoseok. Or what else would you do just to get off?"Hoseok was stuffing his face into a pillow to silence himself as Joonwoo started a slower but harder pace."Hold yourself open like in that picture I liked so much," he instructed. Hoseok whimpered at his words, recalling the picture and turned on by his own shamelessness. Hoseok was being punished right now because he’d deleted the photo off of Joonwoo’s phone before he could move at all, having been frozen still upon seeing the picture.That particular photo made Joonwoo particularly ravenous today. Hoseok didn't even care how desperate he was for Joonwoo to keep tormenting him. In fact, he liked this feeling. He was being seen and he was being treated well. Hoseok was done waiting around as he was now instead getting fucked out of his mind.That picture had been a big risk but again it was like Hoseok just knew he could trust Joonwoo. Joonwoo didn't let him down. instead, he just treated Hoseok to a night out getting pizza before taking him to his apartment and fucking him into the mattress as punishment for taking away the photo."You send me the hottest view," Joonwoo continued, "then you delete it off my phone. What kind of fuckery-""I did that because i'm not an idiot," Hoseok joked. “I’m not leaving you with a photo of me looking like that.”“Your face wasn’t even in it. Why do you hate me so much?” Joonwoo complained. “That’s just cruel.”“You’ll get plenty of other photos of me,” Hoseok answered finally, getting a smile from Joonwoo. He was electrified before but there were sparks going off in his eyes from just how pleased he was.Joonwoo laughed and then shut Hoseok up by reaching around and pumping his length at the same pace he was going at. Hoseok whined before letting out a loud groan as Joonwoo tightened his hand just enough to make Hoseok really feel how thoroughly he was still being punished. That little hint of pain was driving him closer and closer to the edge as he drowned out a loud moan by stuffing his face in a pillow.His legs were giving out under him from how hard he was shaking with pleasure. As he gave in and let his hips hit the mattress, Joonwoo didn’t miss a beat, grinding into Hoseok and making him really feel every inch of him that was inside."Do you take pride in letting the neighbors know what a hot little bitch you are?" he whispered in Hoseok’s ear as Hoseok lied flat with his face still stuffed into the pillow. He wasn't sure he'd last long if Joonwoo kept talking like this. “You sound so good, I’m sure they’re getting off just hearing your moans. You’re such a good fuck, Hoseok. You’re annoying, stubborn, and you don’t know when to shut up but at least your voice is too sexy for me to care. How many times have you screamed my name this month?”“Shut up,” Hoseok complained through a moan, though he really just wanted Joonwoo to keep going.“Say that again? I don’t think I heard you,” Joonwoo teased. “You know, you’re a cute little sub even if you’re being too loud. You’re so lucky I like misbehaving brats or I don’t think you’d have made it this long. You like being punished, right?” Hoseok just nodded, too dazed to pretend to fight back. “I want to know if your friends will wonder why their little sunshine can’t walk straight tomorrow.”“I’m so close,” Hoseok warned. Joonwoo stopped pumping his length and just let him go completely as his hips continued their work."I’m not done making you pay,” he explained. “I’m still so upset about that photo. If I can't keep pictures like that then maybe we should just stop-" He froze so quickly that Hoseok immediately started trying to push back against Joonwoo’s hips just to continue chasing his orgasm. "Right here. Just like this. You don't need to finish. You’ve been fucked plenty this week.""Joonwoo," he pleaded with a whine."Maybe then you'll learn to stop teasing me just to take it all away," he continued with a smug smile that Hoseok didn’t have to check for. He could hear the grin in his voice.“Do you know how much fun I could have had with that picture? We can't meet up every time I'm horny, the least you could do is give me something to look at when I think about what a good little slut you are." Hoseok really wasn't sure he'd love hearing this from anyone else but Joonwoo knew just what to say to make him pliant and needy. Truth be told, he’d never admit to it but Hoseok just kind of knew nothing bad was going to happen to him around Joonwoo. Even if he didn’t like him."I'll start doing it too," Joonwoo concluded finally as a peace offering. Hoseok took a minute to realize he was talking about the pictures. "I’ll find a way to make you regret it though. I’ll wait till you're in practice to see if your little friends see it. Or maybe not, you're probably the only one getting laid so I'd be doing you a favor. You'd have a lot to brag about." Hoseok couldn’t understand why he wanted those pictures so much. Joonwoo fucked his brains out practically every day but that wasn’t enough to keep him from wanting to have access to dirty photos of him for whenever he felt like pleasuring himself. This was only turning him on more."Maybe if I give you something, you'll stop needing to fuck all the time," Joonwoo mused. Hoseok shook his head, knowing that he wasn’t going to stop wanting this anytime soon. “No?” Joonwoo asked, seeing Hoseok’s quiet response. “You needy little slut. God, you’re so good. You feel so good.”Switching to praising Hoseok, Joonwoo was being comforting because he was suddenly going just hard enough for it to hurt a little. That was just the way Hoseok preferred it these days. Joonwoo was good at timing himself and at staying in charge. For such a spoiled brat with so many impulses he always gave into, he was just so controlled in bed.Joonwoo was even offering to trust him with compromising photos and that itself was also such a turn on. As much as Hoseok loved this hookup even when it was cold and distant, he normally didn’t get into it with strangers until he really got to know them. Trusting his partner made things much better for him, and Joonwoo was pacing things enough that Hoseok never felt uncomfortable. Even if he did constantly want to tell Joonwoo to go away whenever they were around the other trainees, at this moment he just wanted Joonwoo to fuck him until their time ran out. Even if it hurt. Even if he finished before they stopped. Even if that would overstimulate him and make him feel too much. He’d come over and over again for Joonwoo if he had to.This cure for the emptiness he felt as he ached for his best friend was enough to tide him over to the next day every time. Truth be told, Hoseok was ready to throw away all of his pride and run back to Yoongi, but he knew their friendship wouldn’t last if Yoongi didn’t learn to take him seriously.However, Hoseok was weaker than he thought he was as a downtrodden and exhausted Yoongi looking particularly miserable was enough to make him forget everything he was doing to stand up for himself. He couldn’t help himself from wanting to do anything to fix things with his best friend just to make him smile again.“I just want the day to be over already,” he heard Yoongi mumble to no one in particular as he got closer. Yoongi was sitting in a chair he’d pulled up on the emptiest side of the dorm room. He and Hoseok had gotten pretty efficient at ignoring each other despite being in the same room. Yoongi didn’t even seem to notice that Hoseok was approaching. Just as much as he missed Yoongi, Hoseok could at least tell Yoongi missed him back just as much.It was like he was possessed as he approached Yoongi with enough intent that his best friend snapped out of his grumpy stupor and looked concerned as Hoseok came closer.“Hobi?” the nickname slipped out of Yoongi’s mouth clearly before he could stop himself. Hoseok ignored the call for his attention as he reached his hands up slowly.“Can I show you a trick?” he asked, waiting with his two hands floating under Yoongi’s cheeks.His best friend nervously nodded though it was clearly he was very lost. Hoseok reached up just slightly, moving his hands enough to cup Yoongi’s face with them under his chin.“Look!” Hoseok concluded with his tone suggesting there was something to behold. “I’m holding my entire world in my two hands.”Yoongi looked lost for a mere second before suddenly tears started building up in his eyes. Hoseok didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even move before Yoongi threw his arms around Hoseok’s middle and just pulled him close, his head only high enough in this chair for Yoongi to bury his face in Hoseok’s chest. His friend’s words were unintelligible but Hoseok understood what he was trying to say:Being apart had been unbearable.As Yoongi sniffled and tried to get a hold of himself, Hoseok didn’t let him pull away and instead pulled on his wrists until he was standing. He hugged Yoongi tight against him like they’d been separated and only reunited after years had flown by.In the next few days, Hoseok decided it was best for their friendship if he move on from Yoongi. However, due to a few witnesses of their reconciliation, Hoseok and Yoongi’s friendship was referred to by all the trainees as being like "soulmates". Luckily, there was no romantic insinuation behind their words, no one seemed suspicious that their connection was unplatonic.This narrative was making it effectively harder for Hoseok to move on. In the end, he gave up. He enjoyed the drunk days, tried to ignore his feelings for Yoongi, and hooked up when he wanted to with who he wanted to. That always meant Joonwoo. Joonwoo was his favorite pick every single time despite the fact that they didn't get along on paper.For his own health, Hoseok tried not to pay attention to what Yoongi was doing with his love life. Except when their drunken selves made progress because they were getting more and more handsy and harder to ignore.Hoseok's non-trainee friends who met with them at these bars were all telling him how much it looked like Yoongi was interested in him. Hoseok thought perhaps he had a chance with Yoongi now that Jin was just a friend to him and Namjoon had stopped mourning his breakup with Micha.Jin started evolving into a nicer guy and became friends with them. Yoongi seemed to be disinterested now. Meanwhile, Namjoon healed up and stopped needing Yoongi and Yoongi seemed to move on just fine. The maknaes were finally having a peaceful experience here at the company as contracts began getting signed so the bullies were too busy to fight with them. Jungkook had stopped crying all the time over his mother. Things were looking good.Best of all, just after Namjoon and Yoongi signed a final contract to become members of BTS, Hoseok seemed to be next in line.When his contract finally came, the entire day afterwards became a blur whenever he tried to recall what had happened. At the party they held in his honor, Yoongi was all over him. That was all he could remember the next day.Beyond that, he'd forgotten his friends had slipped him the hideout key because practically every one of them thought he and Yoongi were more sober than they were and that they were finally going to hook up. None of them had any inkling of how serious Hoseok's interest was or they wouldn't have set him up like that.Hoseok was too drunk. Hoseok could feel everything despite the fact that the rest of the world faded away the longer Yoongi’s lips were on his. He could feel his short-term memory failing him. Every thought just flew out of his mind.Yoongi seemed to be so in control of himself. At least, he seemed to be when compared to Hoseok, who knew he was way too drunk. Yoongi was following Hoseok’s lead without any resistance. Yet, Hoseok noticed pretty quickly that Yoongi was very, very sensitive to touch. He had never been with anyone like that before. It changed the way they kissed, as if he was so distracted by the sensation that he’d forget to breathe from time to time.Also, sometimes Yoongi leaned into the kiss too much and nearly toppled them over, forcing Hoseok to keep them steady in their embrace. Truth be told, Hoseok would’ve loved to have Yoongi sprawled out on top of him. He would really have been thrilled to just lie down with him and continue this kiss even as they got lazy and their bodies gave out. However, he knew if he laid down, he’d get tired. He also wasn’t willing to let Yoongi move from this position. Having Yoongi’s legs wrapped securely around his waist, he was comfortably sitting on Hoseok’s lap. It felt so right that Hoseok was sure Yoongi belonged there. They were molding to each other’s shape so perfectly.Hoseok was far too drunk to attempt to make the best of this. He also knew Yoongi was too drunk to agree to anything more. Even though drinking was what it took for them to give in to this desire, it was also the obstacle keeping them from taking this all the way. After all, considering the way Yoongi was hungrily grinding down on his lap, Hoseok knew his mind was on the same end goal.At least he’d rest easy knowing he pushed this for everything he had. Kissing Yoongi’s face, cheeks, nose, and forehead, Hoseok lovingly showered his best friend with attention. Yoongi deserved to be kissed like this, he’d decided, not pining over people who weren’t going to give him the time of day, like he deserved.Hoseok had watched him repeatedly get pushed around, put aside, and never even for anyone Hoseok thought was more worthwhile than Yoongi. He was being passed up by others for nobody nearly as special as he was.Hoseok barely registered that he’d confessed to being in love with his friend. In fact, he would have been the last to know whether he was saying it now. Yoongi hadn’t said it back but Hoseok clearly didn’t feel a need to hear it when his mind glazed over that recent event as if it knew it would snap Hoseok out of his daze.Though he wanted more, he gave in to his exhaustion as he pulled the love of his life into an embrace with Yoongi’s legs still wrapped around him. Their faces only an inch from each other, Hoseok kissed Yoongi’s forehead whenever he felt compelled to, as he ran his hand comfortingly along Yoongi’s back and let himself praise him just with touch. Yoongi shivered at one point. Hoseok just chuckled and finally shut his eyes, deciding that much more touching would probably keep Yoongi awake. Letting sleep take over, Hoseok was smiling to himself knowing that this could all have very well been a dream.Waking up the next day was still a pleasant experience at the confused but oddly satisfying realization that one of Yoongi’s legs were still draped over him as the older man slept in his arms. Unsure of how to react, Hoseok just so slightly pulled away looking to lean up and get a better view of the room they were in. All he knew was he had a very good night snuggling Yoongi and feeling comforted by their tangled limbs. Despite how they clung to each other, Hoseok ended up falling off the top bunk straight to the floor.It hurt enough for him to groan but not enough that Yoongi's concern didn't immediately wipe away all of the pain in favor of trying to comfort his best friend. He hardly had any idea how they'd wound up in the hideout bed together, but he wasn’t complaining as he reached over to calm Yoongi with a few caresses of his arm as he reassured him that he wasn't injured in the fall from the top bunk.Yoongi however looked dismayed after a few minutes just after Hoseok admitted he couldn't remember anything. At first he’d seemed fine but Hoseok could tell something had disturbed him and he didn't know what had changed. He wanted to ask if he’d done something. However, truth be told, he was afraid of the answer.If he’d said anything incriminating, he knew Yoongi would have asked by now. He could only imagine he was rude about something that’d pissed him off.However, as days passed, Yoongi didn’t seem to forgive him for whatever he'd done that night. Hoseok was too scared to ask what happened. He didn’t expect a week to pass as Yoongi ignored him. Flashback - Last NightThe last thing Yoongi should have been doing was drinking with the others at a bar. This was a crazy idea that Jin couldn’t be talked out of unless Hoseok had told him the truth about Yoongi’s day. Deciding it wasn’t worth it in case Yoongi got mad about Hoseok telling too many people about his little health episode, Hoseok was stressed the whole time they were there. Even with Namjoon and Jin keeping Yoongi company, something about it all felt so wrong. He needed to take care of Yoongi like he always did when they went out drinking.Surely there had to be something Hoseok could do to change Yoongi’s mood with him. Their usual routine at bars was sure to work but as he saw Yoongi run off with Jin, he decided to be patient. When too much time passed, he finally got greedy, imploring Yoongi to come with him already so they could spend some time together.Sitting with Yoongi, this was already so much better. He didn’t have to worry if Yoongi was with him. Even if Yoongi was heartbroken, at least Hoseok didn’t have to worry about him experiencing another episode while alone or vulnerable.As he began touching Yoongi, unable to resist, he was grateful that Yoongi was reacting to his touch like he usually would. It was as though nothing had happened today. Sure, tomorrow, Hoseok would beg Yoongi to forgive him and he’d tell him the full story just like he deserved. Tonight though, they settled into the comfort of their routine as Hoseok took a much more active, vocal role in teasing Yoongi.It was so good having Yoongi safe there with him. It seemed like he was feeling better, even if he was a little too tipsy for someone who didn’t have as much to drink as usual.Hoseok rarely dared to get this forward or this close to Yoongi, but he felt right, pressed up against Yoongi the way he was with his lips at Yoongi’s ear making him submit just with his words and his hand kneading his thigh with the claim that he was simply massaging some tension away. Yoongi clearly didn’t care about making excuses. He was much more shameless than usual as he melted into Hoseok’s every move and made himself pliable and compliant to Hoseok’s wordless requests.Every time Hoseok waited for a sign that he had permission to move forward, Yoongi didn’t hesitate to push Hoseok even faster than he intended to go.They were so close to going farther than they’d ever gone: a touch that couldn’t ever be excused as anything platonic. They were finally going to admit to their desires with this next move. As if to successfully push his luck just a bit, Hoseok began trailing wet, hot kisses along Yoongi’s neck, which he’d never tried before. Yoongi’s breath caught in his throat and Hoseok could’ve sworn he’d heard a quiet whimper like the man was overwhelmed just by this early stage of intimacy. To his memory, Hoseok had never kissed him like this before and he was running on a high that made him forget where they were and how one of their bandmates could see. He couldn’t help the day’s events crossing his mind as he remembered how worried he was that someone like Naeun would come between them.“And here I was actually starting to worry about that girl,” Hoseok had said without really noticing he’d said anything at all. He was too dazed, too distracted.But suddenly Yoongi pulled away completely in reaction, forcing Hoseok to play over the words in his head. His confusion was short-lived as Yoongi started in on his rant about how Hoseok had deeply disappointed him.
“Just admit it. You don’t care how unhappy I am as long as I’m not happy with somebody else. That’s all I’m good for, isn’t it?”
Hoseok didn’t even know if he could follow what was happening. The familiarity of Yoongi’s words was chilling. He squirmed as he realized Yoongi wasn’t entirely off-base. Hoseok looked back at his behavior and wondered when he had begun to play Yoongi’s old role in their friendship. Yoongi used to try and claim him when he didn’t deserve to be kept by someone who also just didn’t want him.The world faded away as Yoongi threatened to forbid Hoseok from touching him. There was something about that specific rule that just burned at his heart. It wasn’t like he cared just about the physical nature of their relationship, it just felt like Yoongi was withholding any chance at affection between them. His tone was so serious that Hoseok could tell he was talking about a permanent change. Yoongi looked ready to give up on him.Hoseok was stunned silent upon finding out he had actually confessed to loving Yoongi in the past. Even after Yoongi abandoned him to sit there alone, Hoseok was left alone to come to the realization that Yoongi’s heart broke upon discovering that Hoseok supposedly didn’t love him after all. Yoongi seemed heartbroken. Destroyed.There was no skirting around it; Yoongi would only be acting so miserable if having Hoseok’s love had meant something to him, even if it had been in the past. Meaning, Yoongi had to have had feelings for him whether now or in the past, those feelings had to have existed for Yoongi to be so miserable today.Hoseok had really lost everything today. Yoongi had reached his limit. Hoseok didn’t know when he’d become the exact kind of problematic and possessive creature he accused Yoongi of being, but that glove had slipped on so smoothly he wasn’t sure what the tipping point had been. He’d become unhealthy for Yoongi. He’d broken his heart.Unable to hold back his misery for long, Hoseok kept it together just long enough to find one of the drivers and ask to get taken home. As soon as his head hit the pillow and his body was wrapped in layers and layers of blankets, Hoseok wanted to disappear from the world and never have to return. For some reason, he couldn’t cry. He felt too numb. He realized it was as though he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore.All he knew was that he once had Yoongi’s love and he had been dumb enough to stop deserving it by acting jealous and possessive as if Yoongi was his to own. He knew what it was like to be kept . He didn’t wish that burden on anyone, much less the love of his life.Hoseok was luckily too numb to start placing blame. Instead, he laid there completely still. He was still enough that when Jungkook let himself in and joined him, he’d been able to put on a face and act natural even though he felt like a cold machine operating on neutral.
Flashback - Spring 2013
Yoongi wasn’t talking to him after the party celebrating his contract. With Joonwoo busy trying to secure his own contract, which he was supposedly a shoo-in for according to the trainers, Hoseok had no one to really turn to half the time.Getting Yoongi to warm up to him took a lot of effort when Hoseok finally caved and decided to make the first move toward reconciliation. He’d held Yoongi’s face in his hands again, their sweet little traditional gesture. He reminded Yoongi that he was his entire world, a quote that Hoseok wondered if Yoongi thought it was simply hyperbole or just a saying. Hoseok wondered if he’d ever realize it was the blunt truth.“Whatever I did, I’m sorry. You know I love you,” Hoseok had said. For some reason or another, Yoongi had winced at the words but after they stared in each other’s eyes just long enough to come to an understanding. Yoongi hugged him like he always did as they made up from a fight.The blissful peace didn’t last long. Hoseok got the news that Namjoon got back together with his girlfriend. One way Hoseok got Yoongi to warm up to him again, to wave away the lingering distrust his best friend still had with him, was to really complain in depth about everything he disliked about Micha. He even made a few reasons up just to excite Yoongi into discussing the topic animatedly like he always liked to do.Yoongi was really so far gone that he took joy in just insulting Namjoon’s girlfriend. Hoseok was actually living a darkly comedic tragedy, and he knew he was the butt of the joke. They bonded again over Yoongi's hatred of another man's girlfriend.On top of this bombshell, he was informed that Jin had a change of heart and was incidentally becoming the “nice guy” he’d started out as. Though no one trusted him and Hoseok saw it was an attempt to secure a contract more easily, Yoongi certainly fell for the act. They were close friends now and Hoseok would see Yoongi with Jin whenever he wasn’t with him.Hoseok’s heart broke a bit when he found out their renewed friendship had been born while Yoongi was avoiding Hoseok. He felt like Jin had played as his replacement to keep Yoongi from having to forgive Hoseok any sooner.Yoongi came to Hoseok and delivered to him a living nightmare of an exchange. It was one Hoseok wasn’t going to forget very soon. It had left a mark on him.“I’m in love, Hobi. We’re friends and I know it's a risk but I’m really in love. I just need to tell you all about it,” Yoongi explained in a too-serious tone that didn’t seem to suit his flighty words. Hoseok couldn’t help perceiving his claims as melodramatic since he felt like he knew exactly where this was going. Despite Yoongi’s measured, mature tone, Hoseok saw through the veil of his supposed certainty.Yoongi was acting on impulse. He was going to confess to one of those two, either Namjoon or Jin he didn’t know, but it was a mistake that Hoseok had to prevent for Yoongi’s safety. Even if he wanted Yoongi to learn once and for all what consequences his actions were setting him up for. Yoongi wouldn’t stop falling into this cycle if he never experienced the kind of heartbreak he was manifesting through these illusions that he had a chance with either straight man. Hoseok couldn’t protect him from every danger.However, coming out to any trainee was too dangerous right now, even if Yoongi did already have a contract.As his best friend tried to continue, Hoseok spoke up pretty immediately. Truth be told, he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to fucking know who it was. He didn’t need to resent anyone or confirm his fears or put a face to the object of his jealousy. He just wanted to nip this in the bud.He was finally fed up. He’d spent too many hours psychoanalyzing Micha to make Yoongi feel better; too many hours enduring Yoongi crushing on a straight man who will scream no homo if you pinch his butt hard enough; and too many hours accepting that Yoongi only liked him when he was drunk. So when Yoongi admitted he was about to go confess to one of these blind, foolish men who obviously didn’t know what they were missing out on, Hoseok just couldn’t take knowing anymore details. He interrupted Yoongi before he could continue.“You’re so brave,” he mused with a measured, careful tone. “I could never pursue anything with a fellow trainee. Not with so much at stake. I guess I haven’t found anyone special though. I’m so happy for you that you feel ready to confess, but maybe you might want to hold off until all the contracts are decided. Everyone’s stressing out so much, whoever it is must be overwhelmed. I know if it were me, I’d hate to be burdened with something like that when I’m about to make a huge life decision. You’ve got to be more careful, Yoongi. You don’t even know how they feel, right?”Yoongi looked like he’d been run over by a bus. Hoseok figured he had to rip the bandage off and really drive the point home, so that’s what he’d done. It was to save Yoongi, even if it made Yoongi upset, it was still worth it to protect his best friend.“Y-yeah.”“So just hold off. See if you get a sign that they feel anything. I mean I haven’t been able to even think about dating or love because of this trainee program, you don’t want to catch them under the same kind of mindset.”Yoongi looked miserable, but he seemed to blink back tears in an effort to stay strong. “Thank you, Hoseok.”“Of course. I’m always looking out for you.” He felt a little sad seeing Yoongi so heartbroken. He didn’t think his friend had been so serious about this confession. However, it was done already. There was no taking it back. He tried to comfort Yoongi by putting his hands on his shoulders and trying to cheer him up. “We’re soulmates, right? Best friends. I only want the best for you.”“Ditto.” Yoongi seemed eager to leave as he pulled away. As Hoseok turned back to the mirror on the dance room wall, ready to go back to practice, he was surprised when Yoongi caught his attention again. “I love you, Hobi.”Yoongi really looked broken up about this. Hoseok hoped he made the right decision. He would never make Yoongi unhappy on purpose.“I love you too, Yoongi. Really,” he sighed out at the end as he tried to hold back his own misery at seeing Yoongi so broken up over someone else.Needing to drown out this sudden sorrow, Hoseok really pushed to get Joonwoo’s attention for a quick little meetup in his car.Hoseok did not expect he’d burst into tears once their makeout got heavy. Joonwoo had just reached for his zipper when Hoseok finally cracked.Joonwoo was a hero for not panicking. He just whispered carefully to Hoseok as if being too aggressive might startle the broken man. Hoseok wondered if he was right about that. It felt like every thought coming to mind was making this pain worse as he gasped for a minute since he was short of breath.“Why are you crying?” Joonwoo repeated for the third time, very gentle in his quiet request for answers. Hoseok shook his head.“I’m fine.”It was like a thought occurred to Joonwoo and suddenly Hoseok felt like the man could see right through him. “I swear to god. What did Yoongi do this time?” he demanded, a quiet rage clearly building up in him.Hoseok should have found it suspicious the way Joonwoo was taking this personally like he’d been specifically damaged by Hoseok’s pain. That wasn’t the kind of emotion you felt for a fling. Instead, Hoseok focused on his surprise that Joonwoo knew how he felt about Yoongi. He didn’t want to address it.Joonwoo hugged Hoseok. This wasn’t standard behavior for them but it was like Joonwoo knew him better than he knew himself, because this hug was exactly what he needed. Hoseok melted into the hug, shaken by the sudden display of affection. While it comforted him, it also reminded him of how broken he truly must have been to be sitting here like a total mess.Although it was a strange request, Hoseok begged Joonwoo to continue, wanting a distraction from the pain. It was as though Joonwoo had accepted being a tool for Hoseok’s pleasure and distraction, not a hookup motivated by Hoseok’s genuine attraction to him. As he looked into his eyes, Hoseok wondered why that understanding seemed to hurt Joonwoo so much.He chalked it up to Joonwoo thinking it was strange to sleep with a man who had just been sobbing minutes ago. Joonwoo seemed to get over it pretty quickly. His touch was healing in a way Hoseok hadn’t expected. He felt seen again. Joonwoo’s full attention was on him and Hoseok had forgotten what that felt like with how busy Joonwoo had been lately.As Hoseok made the first move to start kissing Joonwoo. It was like his partner understood just how much he needed this comfort. Offering just the right amount of affection and keeping Hoseok from feeling too vulnerable, this wasn’t the kind of sex they were used to having. Yet, somehow it was perfect and everything Hoseok needed.Joonwoo was really intimate and sweet about it. He gave Hoseok all the time he needed to stay comfortable in this arrangement.Anyone would have rejected a crying mess like Hoseok. He didn’t seem to realize that anyone else, any other hookup, would have told him to leave and go deal with his problems. Meanwhile, Joonwoo was instead trying to help him deal by doing what he wanted, even at a cost to his own level of comfort. Even though it seemed to hurt him for whatever reason.
Present Day
Jungkook came to Hoseok's room this time and asked if he can could come over more often. The look in Jungkook’s eyes made Hoseok wondered why it seemed like this was punishment to Jungkook somehow. He looked like he’d received a death sentence. Hoseok would have done anything to lighten his struggles. Truth be told, however, Hoseok was just so heartbroken that he couldn’t access whatever part of him made his sunshine persona switch on. The bright and radiant J-Hope couldn’t come to the door today. Hoseok the realist took over for a minute before being replaced by the pessimist he hid deep, deep down. He wasn’t strong enough to resist the negative thoughts this new mindset was hatching.He couldn’t even save himself so he had no hope of saving Jungkook today. Not very well, anyway.“Stay everyday if you’d like,” Hoseok offered, a hand at Jungkook’s cheek. His thumb rubbed his cheek gently once or twice before he finally pulled away when he saw the maknae blush. He was happy Jungkook was at least a little distracted by the gesture, as it seemed to pull him out of his numbness. “Are you going to need me to keep anything in here so that you’re more comfortable?”Jungkook just watched him for a second. Suddenly, he looked like he was getting worked up. Hoseok couldn’t help the sharp stabbing fear that came with seeing Jungkook about to cry again. This happened every few days. He couldn’t tell what was going on but this was out of character for the maknae. He normally didn’t even flinch at bad or tragic news, very adept at keeping his reactions on the inside for him to cope with later.It was part of what made dealing with him so difficult when he was a child. It was so hard to get him to open up.Lately, Jungkook was unwillingly wearing his heart on his sleeve to a degree that made Hoseok wonder if it was a voluntary for him to express these emotions or if he simply didn’t have a grip on himself.Intrusive thoughts about the night before were begin to creep back into mind despite Hoseok knowing Jungkook needed him now the most. As he pulled Jungkook into him as they agreed to spoon and sleep early, Hoseok did his best to hold completely still when the tears came. It was just so hard to think about Yoongi right now and that’s all he could do.Yoongi had basically just dumped him and that extra little connection they that made them something more than friends. Hoseok had messed everything up and he couldn’t help feeling worthless for failing his best friend so much.Hoseok couldn’t even touch him anymore. Yoongi was so disgusted he didn’t even want to be touched . This was a living nightmare.
Flashback - Spring 2013
Joonwoo had the exact look, attitude, and dedication that Big Hit was looking for as they gave out the final contracts for the members of Bangtan. The only delay costing Joonwoo his confidence was knowing that they group already had too many rappers. He had to prove he could learn to sing by the time of their debut. He also had to try and blend in with the others who were signed already, most of whom looked significantly more angel-faced than he did, even if he was set to probably be given a role as the face of the band.Proving he also could play nice with all potential band members would also make a great case for giving him a chance. Hoseok offered to support him, though he wondered if he’d regret that later. This feeling that he could trust Joonwoo never went away despite the ongoing bad blood between their friend groups.It surprisingly didn’t take Joonwoo much to charm the younger trainees into becoming comfortable around him. His natural charisma and sense of humor certainly played a part in convincing the teens to trust him. It was also perhaps because he was responsible for often getting Doyun to back down from whatever reason he’d found to pick on them. He’d saved them in the past for no reason at all, so they were more willing to trust him today.Since Joonwoo getting on the team would have made Doyun a better fit for the band, no one could have suspected that Doyun would turn on Joonwoo. Hoseok had to wonder whether Doyun wasn’t as smart as he seemed, and was just conniving and manipulative without a real plan. This realization came when it was made known that someone had anonymously submitted screenshots of Joonwoo’s KKT messages with someone who was clearly a male trainee at Big Hit.When the managers confronted Joonwoo publicly about the compromising texts, it only took a glance for Hoseok and Joonwoo to understand each other. There was only one person with the motivation and gall to expose him like this.Joonwoo kept his pride unlike most people Hoseok knew who’d been kicked from their companies. Although he clearly wanted to call the managers out on their homophobia and their foolish dating rules, he knew this wasn’t the right time. So, Joonwoo didn’t fight. He didn’t cry as the company managers outed his ‘shame’.The managers were older and out of touch so Hoseok wasn’t surprised to find out how cruel they were to Joonwoo over this discovery. Truthfully, they were awful. They made Joonwoo’s exit as mortifying as possible, with his ‘shame’ being announced to the other trainees as a warning to them.However, they publicly asked Joonwoo if he would volunteer the name of the male trainee he had been communicating with. They offered him a quiet exit, meaning he would have the ability to find placement at a different company who wouldn’t be informed of his secret.“Doyun,” was all Joonwoo had said without so much as a glance at Hoseok.Surely enough, Doyun was dismissed without another word on the same day. Unlike Joonwoo, he had cried. Also unlike Joonwoo, no one felt any pity for him the way they did for the other.It made sense why he couldn’t protest his dismissal. After all, he couldn’t admit to being the one who exposed Joonwoo without admitting he’d stolen his phone to sabotage him. The company would never trust him again. At least this way, they were offering to let him go quietly just like Joonwoo did so long as he didn’t put up a fight.Of course, Doyun had no other options. Putting up a fight meant labelling himself as an accused homosexual. There was no way to bounce back from that scandal, not when he couldn’t even prove that the texts weren’t from him. However, unlike Joonwoo, he didn’t really have much of a chance anywhere else. He’d rejected so many companies just to choose Big Hit. It was doubtful they would take him back, even if he was a golden boy. They’d wonder why Big Hit rejected him when he was one of the most enviable trainees of his audition season. It’d be clear something had to be deeply wrong with him.Hoseok respected Joonwoo so much for his dignity in how he left. Hoseok knew how much Joonwoo despised Jin for often putting him at odds with Doyun and thus making him susceptible to the ring leader’s attack, so Hoseok knew he easily could’ve named Jin.Instead, he chose the biggest menace on the company to save Hoseok. He also saved them from a possible future of being bandmates with Doyun for years since the company had no inkling of how sinister he was.By phone call, now that they didn’t trust messaging apps anymore, Joonwoo had asked Hoseok if they could meet at the trainee hideout one last time.“Why did you ever get involved with him in the first place?” Hoseok asked, trying to blink back his frustrated tears when they finally met in the apartment alone. He didn’t know why Joonwoo’s departure was clearly making him emotional, but he supposed Joonwoo had never been anything but loyal and generous with him. At the end of the day, Joonwoo was a nice guy who had been stupid enough to make the wrong friends.“I wanted to survive. I wouldn’t have been this close to a contract if I hadn’t befriended them. You don’t know what it’s like for people like us.”“People like what?”“You don’t know what it was like trying to survive because you were always a guarantee to them. Maybe you don’t think so but we all knew. Rightfully so, too. You’re one of the most talented people I know. You’re going to make them the proudest, I know it.”Joonwoo was talking like this was the end because they both knew it was. Hoseok could never contact him again without risking exposure.“I’m not even a good singer but they wanted a singer. They couldn’t take another rapper. And I didn’t have the privilege of being one of the original recruits. There was a lot working against me and I just wanted it so bad.”“This feels like my fault. I feel responsible.”“I don’t think I would have made it this far without you,” Joonwoo answered with a charming smile. Hoseok could see the sadness in his eyes but Joonwoo was holding it together. He admitted he was hopeful he could find another way to chase his dream.“You’re an idiot,” Hoseok accused in a soft voice as he lost the battle to hold back all of his tears. He had to say goodbye seeing a side of Joonwoo that he had always been blind to, realizing now just standing in front of him that Joonwoo was the only person that had made him feel truly seen.He was also coming to the delayed realization that Joonwoo had cared about him, really cared. Joonwoo wanted more than Hoseok had given him and Hoseok had stepped all over his feelings to accommodate his desires in this fling. He wanted to regret the trouble it cost Joonwoo, but he was likewise not sure what this trainee phase would have been like without the stolen moments he had with him.“From now on, just don’t be too hard on yourself,” Joonwoo suggested. “You'll do great in Bangtan. Make that face you always make whenever you’re really into your dance and you’ll give Jin a run for his money as a visual.”At these words, Joonwoo was showing his hand about the feelings he’d been hiding all this time. He knew little things about Hoseok that Hoseok wasn’t sure anyone would ever have cared about in the past. Joonwoo really, really cared.Hoseok was sure he’d never heard anyone’s heart crack louder than Joonwoo’s did in this moment. They both knew why. Joonwoo was smarter than to confess to his feelings and put Hoseok on the spot when they both knew he hadn’t seen Joonwoo long enough, not the way Joonwoo saw him. He’d never given Joonwoo the attention he’d deserved.“What I really wanted to tell you is, it's okay if we're never going to happen,” Joonwoo paused for a second, collecting himself. “Just don't pass everyone up just for one guy who clearly doesn't get it. He's got to be blind not to see you, Hobi."Hoseok chuckled sadly through his tears. Joonwoo leaned in to kiss him and Hoseok met him halfway, wanting the same proper goodbye. He owed Joonwoo this moment after he actively treated Joonwoo like a plaything. It was obvious now that Joonwoo cared about him all this time.They hadn’t noticed someone was at the door. Hoseok didn’t know what Yoongi had seen when he entered, but it was clear that he was also unsure as to what he’d witnessed. Maybe he’d seen them close together but missed the kiss.“What are you doing here?” Hoseok asked, a bit spiteful.“Namjoon wants to throw out Micha’s box of stuff that they kept here.” It was clear Yoongi didn't see the kiss, but he'd seen enough to be suspicious.“And you just had to come with him?” Hoseok asked dryly. Looking back to Joonwoo, he could tell he seemed a bit proud.Hoseok knew Yoongi would make him answer to his past statement that he hadn’t been sleeping with Joonwoo. However, at the time that he had said that, it was true. Yoongi’s line of questioning came as soon as the door shut behind Joonwoo."I thought you weren't hooking up with him," he said.Hoseok was about to defend himself before deciding he didn’t need to answer to anybody. He finally decided to stand up for himself for the first time on this issue."It doesn't matter now, does it? Just let it die. He's gone now."Yoongi looked like he’d been barked at but the silence that followed and the peace of never getting interrogated over it ever again made Hoseok realize he liked the feeling of asserting his right to freedom from judgment in this friendship. He wasn’t going to be pushed around anymore.
Present Day
Hoseok didn’t know what had come over him. The smartest thing he could have done was just come clean to Big Hit and accept that the managers would look at him strangely but generally stay pretty harmless. BTS was too big by now for anyone at the company to try and do anything about this secret.And when it came to burying this story, Big Hit would be the most prepared to handle this.Instead of doing the smart thing, however, he did the only thing that would help him sleep at night knowing he was facing this head on. He woke up to discover he’d only been in a half sleep the entire night, too overwhelmed with stress to get any actual rest. He needed to take action and he needed to get the gears moving now.Tracking down Joonwoo’s number took a few tries but it was nothing compared to how difficult it was to hit the call button once he had the number.“Hello?” a cheery voice greeted. He clearly didn’t recognize the number Hoseok was calling from.“Joonwoo, we’re going to meet and you’re going to bring everything you’ve got. Deal?” “What?” There was a long pause. “Hoseok, is that you?”Hoseok rolled his eyes. “You weren’t expecting me to take care of things myself?”“I’m honored. A member of Bangtan on my phone line,” he said, the sarcasm dripping from his tone.“You know what I’m calling for. Stop kidding around.” There was a long pause.“We need to talk. I can explain ev-” Joonwoo started. Hoseok just cut him off.“We’re meeting at the old hideout. Do you still know how to get there or not?”“Of course I remember. It’s still there?”“We’re meeting now.”“I’ve got plans. The world doesn’t revolve around superstars just because you think you-”“Joonwoo, I don’t have any patience for people messing with my life. I don’t play with blackmailers so come down or I will get the authorities involved.”“Fat chance. Nobody knows about you, do they?” Hoseok was quiet, stunned. “Your circle really never could bluff. That’s why no one was scared of you guys.”“Joonwoo, I’d rather come out to a couple of cops and my company than end my career. We’re meeting at the hideout. Now.” Another silence.“Fine.”Hoseok felt like he was holding his breath the entire drive to the hideout. Out of nostalgia, the band maintained the apartment by pooling resources together even through their hardest financial times. The place made for a nice escape from the stresses of their new world and the overwhelming luxury of their new home. This grungy apartment reminded them of their old life in such a pleasant way.Hoseok was soiling the atmosphere taking such an unpleasant meeting here, but he had nowhere else to go at such short notice.“Calling me here after all these years? Must be something special,” Joonwoo said as he waited at the door of the hideout for Hoseok to catch up with him outside the apartment door. He waited for Hoseok to come with the key. Joonwoo was unmoved as Hoseok came closer, ready to stand his ground and threaten Joonwoo himself.“You look good,” Joonwoo remarked passively. Hoseok did his best to resist an eye roll. “I’m doing fine, thanks. I really appreciated your checking in on me at some point in like the last six years. What, do idols not get cell phones?” Joonwoo seemed intent on making this as difficult as possible with his sarcastic remarks.At the end of his rope, Hoseok didn’t have the patience to deal with Joonwoo’s little act. This career was Hoseok’s life now. This band was all he had. Fond memories of Joonwoo or not, the man was threatening his livelihood and Hoseok wasn’t going to stand for it. He could put all of his feelings aside just to take care of this himself. He wouldn’t stand for being forced to come out once Big Hit got involved and discovered who his blackmailer was.As soon as they stepped in, Hoseok loudly shut the door behind him.“Blackmail, Joonwoo? Is this really the way you wanted us to meet again?” Hoseok interrogated.“For someone decently smart, you’re really dense sometimes,” Joonwoo noted patiently. He wasn’t nearly as rushed or tense as Hoseok. That made sense. Whether Hoseok liked it or not, Joonwoo was in control. “I knew you didn’t think much of me but the fact that you actually believe I’d blackmail you is honestly traumatic. Are you that out of touch already?”Hoseok took a second to realize what he was saying. Oh shit. “It’s not you-”“Right. So think hard. Who else could it be?”
Doyun.
Somehow this was worse than anything Hoseok could have imagined. Joonwoo was reasonable. His only motivation could have been money or fame or something similar.Doyun was a wild card with a motive to take both of them down without any regrets. He had nothing to lose.And here he was accusing Joonwoo. The older he got, the more Hoseok started reaching the realization that except for when he was being J-Hope, the bright optimist, his unfiltered self always managed to act like a complete asshole at the worst possible times.“I’m so sorr-”“I’ve stopped worrying about your opinion of me years ago, Hoseok. It’s called growing up.” He deserved that blow. He really deserved it. Accusing Joonwoo of blackmailing him was such an unbelievable level of disrespectful that Hoseok felt like he was boiling over with shame. Meanwhile, Joonwoo wouldn’t even let him apologize. “Look, maybe I’m not some worldwide superstar or whatever, but I might be hitting my own shot with this one company. We’ve both got a lot to lose, so sit down and I’ll fill you in on what I know.”With everything to lose, Hoseok had never felt so much pressure in his life. The walls could cave in around him at any point because his fate was in someone else’s hands. Meanwhile, Joonwoo had his last chance at a music career to lose. All they had was each other to get through this without tipping off their companies.Hoseok’s biggest concern wasn’t even about whether this would affect him - it was about whether this kind of scandal could take his bandmates down with him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Spring 2011
Jin was raised to be pragmatic about major decisions, to be stern and stubborn, but also to always be ready to accept when he did not have full control of the situation. Stepping into trainee life, he didn’t realize just how valuable these teachings would be until he’d experienced just how much pursuing this dream involved putting his entire, once-promising future in the hands of an infant company facing financial hardship.More than once Seokjin wondered to himself what his father was thinking by letting him do this.It was only the second day and Jin’s muscles were twitching from how much they ached. He was normally not one to invade other people’s personal space, but when one of the trainees offered to let him lie down in their bed while they talked, Jin made himself at home on Yoongi’s bed without qualms. He needed a pillow under his head or he wasn’t sure it’d prop itself up on its own. He wasn’t sure he even had the energy to talk when Yoongi had suggested that they hang out, but Jin had no one else to talk to at this point so he was going to make the most out of the one acquaintance he had.Watching Yoongi quietly tiptoe his way to the other side of the room, Jin watched the younger man snake a pillow under the head of one of the two small boys who were tucked into a bottom bunk, looking cozy together. These two teens were asleep with a comic book left abandoned across their laps as if they’d fallen asleep reading. Without waking them, Yoongi managed to adjust their blanket so that it covered both of them completely.Jin had to admit the two of them looked comfortable, but he couldn’t help thinking it was the kind of thing his father would describe as too close. He was sure he and his brother would be mocked if they acted that comfortable around each other. Men were meant to keep a lot of distance according to his father.It was part of what made the trainees’ chumminess so confusing to Jin. If his father visited the dorms even once, he was sure he’d never let him step foot in the building ever again. He wouldn’t hold back on the horrific insults he’d develop for the place.Still, these two were so cute that it gave Jin pause. Though the pair may have looked cute wrapped together like that, but Jin did notice that the comic looked a bit too mature for their age. Just as Seokjin was about to point it out in amusement, he watched Yoongi notice the comic and immediately confiscate it. Jin snorted quietly.“Let them live,” Jin whispered so as to not wake the pair. They were the only ones of Yoongi’s dormmates that stayed home. “Weren’t you a kid once?”“It’s scary! And Jungkook gets bad nightmares,” Yoongi whined back, sounding painfully like a mother.“So? Kids have to learn their lesson somehow,” Jin pointed out.“You don’t have to share a room with him. One screaming fit when a nightmare wakes him up is enough for all eight of us here to lose any chance at getting back to sleep.”Sitting up as Yoongi approached, Jin mirrored his smile as they tried to remember what they were talking about before. Yoongi got the stars back in his eyes that Jin had started to look out for the way he watched out for the toothy grin that made Jin realize Yoongi must have actually found all of his jokes funny to be smiling like that. The stars, however, were part of what made Yoongi’s gaze so intimidating. He had a way of looking at everyone like his world revolved around them.The two of them were doing their best to avoid the subject of the many outbursts that came before all of Yoongi’s five eldest roommates had left. Jin couldn’t help himself. He had a burning question about the confrontation.“Are your friends always like that?” He had tried to phrase it delicately but he was accidentally blunt when he was nervous.Yoongi didn’t seem offended, just uncomfortable. “The truth? No. They’re actually very nice usually.”“Is this really all about the bar?” Jin dared to ask. He knew he’d made a major mistake denying the first olive branch the trainees had extended to him. They had invited him to join them on their weekly bar hop to celebrate his arrival, but Jin had been too paranoid to agree to join them. All of the trainees in this room who went on these trips were underage. None of them were legally allowed to drink. Even if Jin wasn’t the kind of person to usually stick to the rules, it was only his second day in this training program and he had too much at stake here to be gambling it all for the sake of a drink.Yoongi seemed to understand that. His friends, however, were pretty upfront about how disappointed they were.“What else could we expect? Of course he won’t drink with us. He wouldn’t even move into the dorms and live like the rest of us,” one of them had announced to the room. Though no one ragged on him any further, he could tell by the looks on everyone’s faces that he’d lost their benefit of the doubt.“Is it all about the dorm thing?” Jin dared to ask. “About me living with my parents?”Yoongi looked down before meeting his eyes again. He shook his head. Jin pouted a bit, debating whether he wanted to follow up with another question. He was afraid that at some point Yoongi would tell him the reason the trainees didn’t like him was just because they were unimpressed with him. That was his biggest fear.“What is it, Yoongi?” Jin gave in finally. He was better off knowing the truth.“This visual thing is going to be a bit difficult for everyone to wrap their heads around,” Yoongi said gently, clearly anticipating how hurt Jin felt. Jin couldn’t help but get quiet as another fear of his turned out to be true. It wasn’t as though it never crossed his mind that the idea of a visual was not one that was worth a lot of respect from others. His father found the position laughable. Even Jin couldn’t take it seriously, mostly seduced by the fantasies he was fed by the person who had scouted him. A life of fame was certainly appealing, but being the visual of a band seemed a little bit ridiculous to him.At best, he was hoping the group he ended up in would become popular enough that he wouldn’t care what the title was. At worst, he hoped he could perhaps train hard enough that he’d get a more significant title. One of the trainers tried to convince him by reminding him that he had a shot at becoming the center or face of the band. Though they were similarly made up roles, they were still better and were related to getting more screen time and often more popularity.It was at least better than just being a visual.So Jin had come into this knowing the only way to go was up from here. He never really put a lot of thought into what the other trainees would think. He didn’t really think he’d care about their input or really even their role in what his trainee life would look like.Though he had friends and liked to believe he was personable, Jin wasn’t really a social kind of person. He wasn’t talkative or really all that outgoing. He felt no need to make strangers think anything of him. He expected others to ignore him the way he ignored most people who weren’t directly involved in his life matters.At the same time, Jin unfortunately put a lot of weight into what other people thought of him. It was a terrible impulse that he’d gotten from his mother. Jin disapproved of how she was so easily influenced by her surroundings and by peer pressure, but he knew he wasn’t very different. Especially with the pressure his father put him under, Jin was just as susceptible to catering to the opinion of others over his own.That was why taking this risk and becoming a trainee meant so much to him. For once, he was doing something he wanted to do and not giving a lot of weight to what the people in his life thought about it.However, he should have had the foresight to understand that once he became a part of the community here that he would start to get invested in other people’s opinions. In fact, knowing himself, he should have also known he’d start to feel a lot of pressure to make people like him since he would be new and his position there would be vulnerable. He was only cast for his looks, after all. Now he was being expected to give some kind of indication that he wasn’t hopeless at singing and dancing so that he’d have a chance to get picked for the band they were assembling.“My family hates it too,” Jin admitted. “We have a party coming up and my dad still talks like I’m going to own the company one day.” Yoongi didn’t seem to fully be able to wrap his head around Jin’s lifestyle, but he always seemed to be trying to understand. “Even my friends think it’s weird, but I can’t wait to see them there.”Jin let out a sad huff before hugging his knees to his chest on Yoongi’s bed.“My parents are going out of town in a month and they’re acting like I can’t be trusted to be home alone anymore. Like I must have lost my mind to be agreeing to all this. And now even the other trainees can’t stand me? They’ve hardly talked to me.”“These guys just don't understand how hard it'll be on you, but they will,” Yoongi said gently. He seemed to have picked up on how negative Jin’s thoughts were getting and how dark he was starting to feel.“What do you mean?” Jin asked. He realized in that moment that Yoongi was the only one he’d spoken to about his casting so far that had yet to say that he didn’t have a talent. Perhaps that was why Jin felt so trusting and so attached to him.“You’re learning everything from scratch,” Yoongi reminded him. "On top of having to develop your dancing and vocal skills, you'll have to learn how to be a visual. You're doing almost twice the work."Jin couldn’t help wondering if Yoongi was trying to kick him while he was down, unable to believe that someone would take him seriously. Jin pouted.“Don’t lie. Stop making things up to make me feel better.”"Look, I can follow a dance just fine. But asking me to be charming and handsome and everyone's favorite at the same time? I wouldn't even be here if they asked me for half of that," Yoongi explained.Jin didn’t know when he’d crossed his arms, but he dropped them as he felt himself relax a bit as Yoongi had put him at ease. Part of him still didn’t want to believe neither Yoongi’s words nor that Yoongi really meant them. This man was being so good to him and so welcoming. It was almost like they weren’t competition for each other when they were.His father’s voice came to mind in a quote he was sure he’d said at some point in his life about how people only treated others like this if they weren’t a threat to them.In a moment of doubt, Jin wondered if Yoongi just didn’t see him as a threat. Somehow, though, Jin just imagined seeing the stars in Yoongi’s eyes again and he couldn’t believe that this man could be fake. He’d skipped a night out with his friends just to stay in with Jin because he felt Jin should spend the first weekend with a “friend”. Jin just automatically assumed Yoongi was joking when he said that, knowing the man had no reason to get attached to him.“You’re exaggerating,” he accused weakly. It was so hard to stay defensive around Yoongi.Yoongi didn’t even flinch. "Do you know how crazy it is that you're here?” Jin shook his head before tilting it in confusion. Yoongi smiled at him in a way that seemed almost proud . “They believe in you enough that you're here without them having seen you beat hundreds of other trainees at something first. they must have a lot of faith in you. That's probably why they like you so much."It was so hard to stay upset when someone was being as supportive as Yoongi was now. Jin was a pessimist most of the time, but Yoongi’s optimism made more sense to him than most. He followed his logic, he believed his compliments, and he felt comforted."It probably just means I have no talent," Jin tried resisting this sunny optimism one last time."It means they think you've got enough of everything else it takes that they're not worried about whether you'll be able to keep up. Do you know how crazy it is to be picked up just because of your personality and your attitude?""You mean my face," Jin corrected."I don't know how you're not taking that as a compliment, but they've seen plenty of pretty people audition before and didn't take them. They don't just bring them here unless they think they won't be a waste of time. Seokjin-hyung, they probably have more faith in you than most of these trainees. Maybe that's what's scaring everyone."It was the first time Yoongi called him ‘hyung’. Yoongi looked mortified at his mistake until Jin smiled shortly after. Of course he didn’t mind. With others, he probably would. He was starting to learn pretty quickly that Yoongi was an exception to most rules."You're being really nice. Are you drinking a beer behind my back or are you just always like this?" Jin asked in a jokingly accusatory tone. Yoongi just laughed."I don't like it when my friends are upset.""And we're already friends?" Jin checked, unable to hide his smile though he’d tried to look serious. This wasn’t how his social circle functioned and it wasn’t how his world worked. Friendships weren’t supposed to be this easy."Probably. I've got a good feeling about you," Yoongi teased. “I can't promise I'll be around a lot, but I hope I can help when I am around. And if you need anything, just come to me.” Jin nodded. Yoongi strangely mirrored his nod before suddenly throwing a pillow at Jin’s face out of the blue. It hit Jin and left him with a befuddled expression etched into his features as he stared at his new dongsaeng in shock. He threw it back as if, for a moment, he wanted to believe that Yoongi hadn’t just done that. Pillow-throwing was for children.Instead, Yoongi just threw it again at him, hitting him square in the head before he could even cry out about the last throw.Jin couldn’t take it. He was still in shock as he took the pillow and walked to stand over Yoongi staring down at him silently. He lifted it over his head as he got just close enough to be able to raise the pillow over his head and slam it into Yoongi’s side as hard as he could. Forgetting himself, the man cried out gleefully.“My grip failed,” he lied. “It was an accident.” He raised a hand to defend himself from the harmless but impactful pillow-hit onslaught Jin was giving. When Jin stopped for a second, he was taken completely by surprise as two teens quickly ran past him and started also inflicting their own pillow wrath on Yoongi.Yoongi must have woken the boys up. They caught on to the room’s energy really fast. Sure, the fun of a 3-1 pillow fight could only last so long, but for a second Jin couldn’t help hoping this ephemeral joy could etch itself into his mind and bring him strength when he’d need it.Though he was sure joys like this wouldn’t be in short supply around someone like Yoongi. No matter the circumstances. 
Five Days Later, Spring 2011
There was something Jin felt around Yoongi that he didn't realize he'd miss until he felt its absence for the rest of the week while his new friend was away. Relief, perhaps. He could only otherwise describe it as a sense of comfort that left whenever Yoongi wasn't at his side. It would come back faintly when Jin thought of a specific memory with him involved, one of the few they had made in the time Jin had been here.It was the end of his first week and the night before had been the first time Yoongi and Jin were able to spend time together alone since the time they stayed behind while the others went to the bar. Every single day that passed felt a year long to Jin. The moment he sat down with Yoongi, however, it felt like it was only yesterday that they were watching the maknaes sleep cozily in their bottom bunk.It was moments like these where Jin wished Yoongi had been less busy so they could have spent more time together. They only saw each other once a day at most but Yoongi admitted he’d be getting even busier.Still, Jin had grown so much in this past week. There was something about kind of excruciating stress that bound a person's lung until they felt like they were always short of breath. It was as though being under so much pressure at Big Hit had deteriorated Jin's mindset until he felt like a broken man whose only purpose was to train until his bones gave out.The entire time he and Yoongi were talking, Jin debated telling his friend how scary it was when he'd fainted a few days ago while alone in the dance room. He supposed he must have pushed himself too hard. He'd skipped a couple meals that day to make up for cheating his diet the day before. It was either the hunger or the physical strain, or both, but still the fright it gave him lingered. Jin wanted to ask what the managers would have done if they caught him. However, Yoongi was one of the few people he had impressed at this company. He wasn't going to lose that respect for anything. Especially not after seeing the way his mother immediately took the admission to mean that he wasn't cut out for this line of work. 
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Seokjin. You weren't raised to exert yourself like that. That's not for people like us.
Jin could flinch just remembering her tone, as if she looked down on the type of work he was doing.So all night, he avoided telling Yoongi about the fainting spell. They enjoyed their time together as Jin realized he hadn’t laughed this much, or really laughed at all, all week. They stayed up late celebrating the end of his first week, his seventh night was celebrated with well-hidden beers that they poured into coffee mugs in case the managers came in to check on them. It was the only way Jin could feel at ease drinking in the dorms, since it took so much for Yoongi to convince him to drink at all. Jin wasn’t sure he’d have been talked into this any other way. They spoke quietly in the common room while the other trainees slept. Jin and Yoongi both knew they had lessons the next day but Jin had missed Yoongi so much that he didn’t mind taking this hit. Yoongi seemingly didn’t care either since he brushed off the concern. They were caught up with every minute of the past week of each other’s lives within a few hours before they tried to catch up on each other’s lives just the same.At the end of it, as he walked Jin out, Yoongi ran up to a slim figure that appeared in their path as they turned a corner. It was a young trainee wearing pajamas and sporting wet hair that made it very clear he’d just come out of the shower. Jin couldn’t help being confused. It was two in the morning.Jin knew his name as Kookie, though he was sure it wasn’t his full name. That was all Yoongi would use to refer to the young boy. Seemingly the youngest of the trainees, Jin was pretty sure that Kookie couldn’t stick out any more like a sore thumb among the other older trainees.Though Yoongi was giving him a hug, it was almost as if his arms became a loose trap for the tiny trainee, forcing him to stay even though he clearly wanted to avoid confrontation. Jin found it amusing how involved Yoongi got in his dongsaeng’s lives, as if he was personally made responsible for their wellbeing. He seemed to like the job, even if it only seemingly added more stress to his life.“Kookie,” Yoongi whispered just as his arms locked around the small boy. They couldn’t be too loud without alerting someone, but Jin could still hear the disappointment in Yoongi’s voice. Kookie looked genuinely nervous about being caught, though Jin wondered why the maknae would be when Yoongi didn’t have the power to punish him for doing anything wrong. Yoongi sighed and Jungkook’s expression turned apologetic.Jin got the answer he wanted. Just as Yoongi was perfectly happy taking on the responsibility to play parent to the younger trainees, they were more than happy to see him as a meaningful figure in their lives. Yoongi was their person to look up to and, more importantly, the person they least wanted to disappoint. Yoongi seemingly meant a lot to the youngest trainee in particular, because Kookie often looked bewitched whenever Yoongi spoke to him. Jin wasn’t sure if he’d ever admired anyone that much. Then again, his biggest role model was his father but he loathed to spend time with him usually.Yet Kookie found a way to Yoongi’s side every time they were in the same room. If Yoongi wasn’t busy, the maknae found a way to be with his hyung. Whether it was by asking for his help or sneaking over and starting a conversation with someone who was sitting near Yoongi, Jin noticed it was rarely direct. Kookie, for whatever reason, seemed too shy to approach most people other than the original circle of trainees, but found it as difficult to talk to Yoongi as it was to talk to a stranger. Even the hug Yoongi was giving him now seemed to make Kookie jumpy, but he wasn’t resisting either. It was little habits like these that made the trainee maknae seem more like a child than a teenager. Jin wondered if that was what he was like looking up to his older brother as a kid. As much as he idolized his brother, he wasn’t sure he’d ever looked up to him the way these kids looked up to Yoongi. The way they flocked to him when he was around, it was like he was their hero, like the sun rises and sets according to his will.The thought made it occur to Jin that this was just another quality Yoongi had that would make him a good idol one day. Maybe it was just because he was Jin’s only friend so far, but Jin found himself rooting for Yoongi’s success the most out of anyone he’d met. Sure, the others were talented, but Yoongi seemed like a good person. The more he got to know him, the more Jin wanted to see good things happen in his life.“We talked about this,” Yoongi reminded Kookie quietly, a whiny tone to his voice that made Jin smile a little. He was so dramatic, as if Kookie losing a few hours of sleep was devastating. It wasn’t that Jin intended to lack empathy, he just didn’t know what it was like getting so invested in other people’s business the way Yoongi did.In a way, Jin saw it in their own friendship too. Yoongi worried over Jin like they’d been friends for years, as if he knew enough about him for Jin’s wellbeing to personally affect him. Jin wouldn’t be half as invested as he was in Yoongi if the younger man didn’t make him feel compelled to return the favor as best he could. It didn’t come easy to him to care this much. He wasn’t sure he even gave this much attention and gratitude to his other friends, because he was completely sure Yoongi’s commitment could give a few of theirs a run for their money.Some still hadn’t called Jin in the week since he’d started the trainee program.“Hyung, you’re awake too,” Kookie defended himself."I'm awake because I'm talking to a new friend,” Yoongi replied. Jin tried to act like the words didn’t surprise him. It was just so strange hearing someone he barely knew so easily consider him a friend. It wasn’t the kind of attitude he was used to. “You're awake because you're avoiding making one.""I have a friend. I have Tae now.” Jin knew Tae from his vocals class. He was another awkward teenager just doing his best to navigate the social circles. He rarely saw Jungkook wandering around without Tae. That ‘ now’ Jungkook used made Jin wonder how long the young boy had gone without a friend. He hoped he’d never find out how much time passed before the two clingy teenagers found each other.It was so hard to resist getting invested in Kookie’s wellbeing. Jin tried his best to ignore the nuggets of information he was given about the boy. If he paid too much attention, he was afraid he’d start to care. He had too much to worry about already. Jin didn’t need motivation to keep his eye out for him. Besides, he wasn’t the kind to really take an interest in children. He often found them annoying. However, there was something awfully charming about Kookie and Tae that he couldn’t put his finger on. He supposed that had to be why the managers liked them too.“Ah yes, I forgot everyone can only have one friend at a time.” Yoongi playfully rolled his eyes. Kookie pouted, blushing a bit as he suddenly looked up at Seokjin. It was the first time Kookie had acknowledged he was there. He got very quietly suddenly. Jin had picked up the boy tended to just stop talking around strangers. That shyness secretly made Seokjin just a little more sympathetic as he remembered he used to be like that as a kid.The fondest giggle came out of Yoongi as he observed Kookie’s reaction. As Yoongi immediately covered his mouth, it seemed his gleeful chimes came out a little louder than it seemed he’d intended. He tilted his head in the direction of his dorm room. “Get to bed, Kookie. I’ll come and check up on you after I say goodbye.”Jin clearly couldn’t hold in his curiosity as to what that all was about, as Yoongi seemed to read him like a book once they were outside. He just smiled knowingly at Jin before Jin could even realize he was practically reading his thoughts.“Jungkook is afraid of running into other trainees. Most have barely ever talked to him because he hides so much. He’ll stay up very late to avoid showering at the same time just because he’s nervous.” Yoongi was about to continue but he stopped himself, his nose scrunching up like he was trying to resist an impulse. “Or, well, I guess nowadays it’s not just nerves.” Jin couldn’t help his curiosity.“What?”“I can’t speak for him but I think he’s avoiding Doyun.”“That’s that one vocalist who never smiles, right?” Jin asked. He took classes with that trainee. Granted, he was in a lower tier as a singer so he was often divided into different teams during exercises, but they at least attended the same sessions. “The other day someone compared Doyun’s talent to Jungkook’s talent. Then everyone ranked Doyun in second place. He’s been starting fights ever since. One-sided, obviously, but-”Yoongi didn’t have to say much. Jin had picked up little by little how much of a bully Doyun was. Yoongi chuckled to himself at a thought.“He must hate you,” he noted.“He doesn’t know me,” Jin answered, confused.“He does,” Yoongi admitted. “Everyone’s saying you beat him as the company visual. He hates being second in anything.” Jin swatted Yoongi for that.“Yeah right.”“We took a poll,” the rapper admitted with a blush. Jin pretended he only didn't like the compliment because it made him feel "pressured". In other words, he got shy and didn't want to admit it.Yoongi’s friends may not have liked Jin from the beginning, but Jin was grateful that Yoongi didn’t let that affect their connection. Jin could see a future for their friendship in a way he didn’t try to imagine with others. He normally didn’t like to get his hopes up.The next morning, Jin almost wished he lived at the dorms if only so that it was easier to visit Yoongi and check if he was also hungover. Nervously entering the dorm, he realized last night he’d forgotten how much he didn’t like going there usually. Not only was the place flawed in its cleanliness, organization, and even smell, but Jin felt like everyone knew he didn’t belong there due to his own choices.It was almost noon, a time at which he knew he’d certainly find Yoongi in the dorms. Not only did Yoongi usually nap during their scheduled lunch time on weekends, but Jin was even more certain he’d be there to sleep off the hangover.Not only was Jin surprised to find out he’d made the wrong bet, but he was shaken to see Kookie’s terrified expression as the boy stared up at two much taller figures. One of them was  holding his backpack behind them as the other kept moving forward to corner him against the wall. He recognized the confrontative one of the two as Doyun, the trainee Yoongi had mentioned the night before.The look on Kookie’s face alone was enough to make Jin want to throw punches first and ask questions later. He rarely felt his temper go off but it didn’t take a genius to understand what he was looking at.“So irresponsible,” the man he didn’t recognize said.“How are you supposed to do well here if you can’t even get to school on time, Kookie?” Doyun asked with such genuine-sounding concern that Jin doubted himself until he realized Doyun was smiling. His expression was very darkly pleased.“My alarm clock was working last night,” Kookie explained in one breath, sounding choked as if he was about to hyperventilate. “I don’t know why it didn’t go off. I know I set it.”“Is this part of why you’re never in bed by curfew? I’m getting concerned for you,” Doyun continued. “Little boys like you should be going to school. What if the managers find out?” “Please let me out,” Kookie begged nervously, clearly starting to understand the danger he was in now that he had his back pressed against the wall because Doyun was coming too close. “I can make it to my afternoon classes. I just need to get to school, please-“ “No, you’re taking the day off,” the other man said as he opened Jungkook’s backpack and started throwing his things on the floor. Jungkook immediately bent over to pick them up. Doyun gestured a kick as if to threaten Jungkook if he tried to grab his books. “Stay here and fix your clock. You’re not getting your backpack back until-”Jungkook’s fearful little flinch over the gestured kick in his direction triggered Jin’s reaction. A dark thought occurred to Seokjin that if he had anything to thank his father for, it was for how much he hated bullies. Jin rushed over and took the backpack easily as the nameless man wasn’t paying attention.“What the hell are you doing?” Jin growled out aggressively, losing himself as he glared at the two men before nodding at Jungkook and pointing down at the books. “Kookie, grab them. We’re leaving. I’ll drive you to school now.” He turned back to the two men, ready to threaten them to let them go peacefully.The most remarkable thing about Jin’s fury was perhaps the kind of respect one had to give to those who had no qualms about following up on their threats. Jin didn’t care about swinging at a bunch of bullies if they swung first. He knew Kookie would back him up with the managers. Jin didn’t need a reason for people to put a target on his back, but he was ready to do what it took to protect the maknae. The boy quickly moved to pick up the books. Jin reached out for them when Doyun distracted him with this annoying little laugh.“What are you so happy about?” Jin asked. Doyun straightened up so quickly that Jin could tell suddenly that the laugh had been staged. “ Kookie . It’s just so cute. You have a pet name for him,” Doyun said with a performative kind of amusement. “ Kookie. ” Doyun was cooing down at the small boy for his attention. When Kookie met his eyes, Doyun laughed again, pointing at the boy as he looked to the other man. “It’s all just so adorable. You finally found yourself a boyfriend.” The train of logic was so hard to follow that Jin almost didn’t realize that he was the one who was at a loss. Though at first he thought Doyun had lost his mind, Kookie’s fearfully shook his head as he stared up at the bully as though he knew exactly what Doyun was doing.Jin didn’t realize there were other boys in the room now until he followed Kookie’s gaze out the door. There were two trainees waiting there, looking ready to back out into the hallway to avoid conflict. They clearly weren’t going to get involved but they were watching like they weren’t ready to leave yet.“It’s good that you found someone, I guess,” Doyun continued speaking to Kookie before turning his attention to Jin. “He finds it so hard to talk to girls. I thought he’d be alone forever.” Jin just narrowed his eyes at Doyun. The amused look on Doyun’s face was becoming too much for Jin. “You two are cute together. I mean, if I was into that kind of thing.”His words finally sank in.“He’s a kid, Doyun, what’s wrong with you?” Jin demanded, his voice slightly raised now that he was mortified Doyun would dare accuse him of something like this in public. It didn’t matter whether it was true or not, rumors spread with almost no motivation at this company and he didn’t need anyone stirring up trouble for him. Even if they were just spouting nonsense, it took very little to start talks in this industry. Yoongi had warned him about this kind of thing on his very first day.Doyun clearly didn’t care about sounding irrational though, as long as people were listening. There was no way for this to reflect on his character anymore when the accusations he was making were so much more interesting to talk about than some bullying incident. “I guess he’s legal, Seokjin, but I’m just saying that age difference is a bit impressive ,” Doyun continued. Jin wanted to gag. Glancing at the men still at the door, Jin narrowed his eyes when he turned back to Doyun.“Stop,” he threatened, though his voice came out weaker than before. Doyun clearly noticed. He seemed very pleased with himself. He reached out a hand. “Then give me the backpack before a manager comes in and hears about the scene you’re making here,” he requested, his tone so calm it gave Jin goosebumps. Jin didn’t have a choice, not when he saw more people were gathering at the door to watch. No one would take Jin’s side if a fight started, not even when the managers asked for witnesses. They wouldn’t help him. Not when Doyun had everyone afraid of him and not when Jin could barely get anyone to sit with him during lunch. Jin couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes when he finally handed over the backpack. He was especially too scared to look at Jungkook, who was still sitting on the floor being cornered by these two bullies. Jin left the scene wondering how long it would be until Yoongi heard about what happened. He wondered how much longer he would get to keep the only friend he’d made so far. Jin learned his lesson: don’t stick your neck out for anyone. Later that day, Doyun had the audacity to approach Seokjin and fake an apology. His lies were so smooth that Jin learned in that moment never to trust a thing Doyun said. Words and speaking tones were meaningless with someone who could lie and hide his feelings as well as this man did. Jin was more used to men like this one. It made sense, considering he knew that Doyun’s family was also wealthy. He was sitting by himself eating his dinner between classes when Doyun came by. He started by saying he’s sorry about what happened earlier and how he hated just how much he lost his temper. He continued on by expressing how “upset” he was about having had to do that to Jin when he wanted them to be friends. Jin could only answer with a few words. “You were picking on a child.” Doyun looked incredulous. “Don’t tell me you don’t see how much of a threat he is?” Doyun got to talking about what threats ‘people like them’ were facing and how Jin was going to get it even worse. The more he spoke, the more he made sense to Jin, if only because the dog-eat-dog, born-alone-die-alone rhetoric was what his father spouted all the time. Doyun knew the kind of words to use on Jin to make him understand his twisted logic. Though Jin could understand Doyun was a bad person who was doing horrible things, he also knew that he wasn’t wrong. Jin needed to get some help fast if he was expected to survive. People like Yoongi wouldn’t be enough when they were practically guaranteed their spots. Jin had to admit he knew he needed to make this work at all costs or else he'd lose everything. Being the most hated trainee won't work, even if avoiding that meant getting Doyun’s ring of friends on his side. His parents had already been threatening to cut him off if he didn't go back to school. This was the first time he'd ever wanted to do something his parents didn't want for him. He couldn't just fail at it not when he's so afraid of losing his parent's respect. Doyun asked him if Jin wanted to visit his place sometime. His parents lived in a great neighborhood. Doyun simply suggested he’d love to have Jin come over and hang out with his crew. Jin nodded, but didn’t commit. “Excellent,” Doyun said before getting distracted by staring at Jin’s hand. He seemed to notice Jin was wearing a class ring and stared at it for a second. It didn’t take long for the man to leave and act like nothing happened. Later that night, Kookie passed Jin and stood in his way to stop him from walking. He was barely able to meet Jin’s eyes. “Thank you for earlier,” he said, sounding sincere. Jin didn’t answer, hoping he’d leave. “It’s okay, really. Don’t tell anyone but Joonwoo called and told the school I was sick so I’ll be okay,” Jungkook continued. Jin had to deliver the message the simplest way he could. “Don’t talk to me anymore, kid,” Jin instructed before walking away. 
Days Later, Spring 2011
 Jin wasn’t sure how he ended up in a direct confrontation with Yoongi, but it was bound to go terribly the moment that man approached with his accusatory tone. “So what? You’re friends with Doyun all of a sudden?” the younger man demanded as soon as he caught Jin in a room alone. Yoongi slammed the door behind him. That sound and Jin’s realization that Yoongi wasn’t confused but instead angry set him up to take the worst possible approach to this altercation. It didn’t help that Jin had just come back from a weekend free of training but full of threats from his father about what would happen if he failed to get anything out of this trainee business. His father also threatened that if he ever slipped up on a family responsibility over chasing this trainee thing, he would be cut off. To rub salt in the wound, Jin was told by his mother the only reason his father was acting like this was because they used to be able to brag about the school that he was going to. Now, she told him, he was ‘just a drop out’ and that they were left with ‘nothing to brag about’. Jin discovered his dad was only appeased by hearing about Doyun bc his father knows his family distantly. So Jin realizes sticking with Doyun when he's not around Yoongi will at least make his dead shut up a bit because he called "being friends with that boy” the “first impressive thing you've done since this delusion started’. Jin had to do anything he can to make this trainee effort work. All he did this morning was go up to Doyun and quietly confirm he could visit his house. Even just talking to Doyun seemed to be enough to have word eventually reach Yoongi. Jin supposed it had to be gossip that tipped him off. After all, Jin didn’t bother reaching out to Yoongi first or trying to explain himself. Yoongi was not going to listen to him no matter what he said on the subject, there was no point in having a confrontation that was only going to upset him. As the days passed and Jin exchanged maybe a few words at most with Doyun, Yoongi was nowhere to be found as if he had also heard the rumors that had spread over the incident with Kookie. Yoongi didn’t take a single minute to look for Jin until he’d come to start this fight. Jin wanted to know what the final straw was for Yoongi, but he didn’t get to ask since Yoongi interrupted him before he could speak. “Why are you hanging out with him?” Yoongi demanded. “I thought you were different than this.” “Than what ?” Jin asked, the tone in Yoongi’s voice making him rethink everything he ever thought he’d known about the younger man. Yoongi looked like he was holding back some pretty serious comments. "Well, I guess rumors are enough to change your mind about your friends. Maybe I should go find someone who doesn't gossip." "That's not what I meant. I just didn't think you were one of those rich guys who pretends to be friends with other rich people to get ahead. That's not going to help you as a trainee. And he's not a good guy." It was like Yoongi saw Jin’s flinch. His eyes seemed glued to Jin’s face but Jin had no choice but to collect himself, the discomfort easily seen on his face. Maybe Yoongi would see how bad that hurt him, but Jin wouldn’t let him get away with it easily. "Maybe my next, real friend will also know better than to stereotype. Or to make assumptions about people." "Jin, I'm just saying I'm surprised at you," Yoongi said, his tone shifted into something much softer. Jin didn’t believe the concern in his voice. He’d just seen Yoongi snap. He heard what he really thought of him. Yoongi wouldn’t just get to walk it back now. "So am I. In fact, I thought you were different," Jin said honestly. It was clear that Yoongi felt guilty. Good , Jin thought to himself, hoping that Yoongi’s guilt would be enough to make up for how he’d really put a dent in Jin’s ability to trust others. That is, if the guilt was even real or just another part of the act. “I should thank you,” he said finally. “I didn’t know what kind of place this was until you did this. I thought only some of the people here bothered playing mind games but I guess that has to just be a lesson I hadn’t learned here yet. You all seem very good at it.” “Hyung, it wasn’t a mind-” “Don’t call me that. We’re not friends, Yoongi. We’re competitors. You can’t call me a friend just because you don’t think I’m a threat.” His voice faltering as he tried to answer, Yoongi looked lost for words as he struggled to answer Jin. The younger man just stared up at him in terror. Jin wondered if he was just afraid that Jin was ready to compete. Jin wasn't surprised when his biggest obstacles from then on were Namjoon, Hobi, and Yoongi directly. Yoongi seemed to have changed his tune and started claiming that Jin was a different person than this or claiming that he was better than being a bully. Jin assumed Yoongi would say anything to get him under control again. Yoongi wanted another chance, but Jin clearly couldn't trust him. Even if Yoongi was the only other friend he'd made. For some reason, Hobi particularly hated him more than any of the rest. It was almost as if Jin had done something personal. Hoseok seemed ready for a fight when he finally did approach Jin after a week of icy glares in the hallways and occasional snorts whenever Jin would talk. They were alone in the dance room when he decided to get passive aggressive under his breath. "Yoongi is a terrible judge of character. What's so great about you? He thought you were worth reaching out to, it bit him in the ass, and now he still thinks you're some angel." Jin tried his best not to believe that. It was too late for him to find any kind of faith in Yoongi anymore. Jin tried his best to sound passive and bored. "Yeah, horrible. How badly do you have to suck at being his friend for him to be coming to me?" Hoseok looked just as prepared as Jin was to follow up his aggressive words with actions. Jin waited for Hoseok to make the first move, but it was clear they both knew the rules. Trainees can't fight.  That Weekend, Spring 2011Arriving at Doyun’s home that weekend, Jin was not surprised to find that his place was more extravagant than his own. He wasn’t sure whether Doyun’s family had more money than his own, but a flashy home was something Jin had known to expect. Doyun radiated “new-money”.Parents like Doyun’s came into money late in their lives and lived like they needed the world to know just how well they made off. It didn’t take long for Jin’s fascination to turn into boredom as Doyun showed him around. He’d been taught to fear signs of new-money behaviors. His parents weren’t exactly old-money, as his family still needed to work. However, they put investment into things that paid off over time and new better than to flaunt what they had. Other people with better means would look down on them if they did show this kind of weakness.So in essence, Doyun’s house just made him even more obnoxious than Jin already thought he was.“How long have you been here?” Jin asked when he realized he hadn’t heard Doyun’s last sentence before the man looked to him for approval.“More than three years,” he answered proudly. Jin nearly scoffed, but instead he smiled. “We were in a two-bedroom apartment once upon a time, if you can believe it."“Wow,” Jin said, acting fascinated. He saw Doyun’s other friends lounging in the kitchen by the snacks that had been set up for their visit. As boring as Doyun’s mother was, Jin felt more inclined to join her and the other boys than to continue stroking Doyun’s ego.“Then my father got promoted and-” Doyun gestured up at the nice staircase that led up to the next floor of their house. Jin followed him upstairs and into Doyun’s room which took up about fifteen minutes of explanations before Doyun seemed ready to leave. Just as he was clearly about to take Jin around the next few rooms, the light above them caught Jin’s class ring and made Jin look down at it just to check what had surprised him. Doyun followed his eyes.When Jin turned back to Doyun, Doyun seemed almost mesmerized. This was officially getting too weird for Jin. “Doyun, why do you keep looking at my ring?” Jin asked, his tone a bit stern. Doyun smiled apologetically. “That’s platinum, isn’t it?” he asked. Jin nodded. Doyun went digging into one of the drawers by his bed. He pulled out a gold ring. “I only went to private school for a year so they couldn’t let me get a platinum ring.” Jin was confused. Doyun rolled his eyes when he realized Jin didn’t understand. “Ah yes, you don’t know what other schools are like. That must be nice.” He almost said it as though Jin was at fault for not understanding his reference. “Other schools don’t give out rings like these at all. Only a few private schools give out rings at all, and the ones that do are all just like that-” Doyun pointed at Jin’s ring. “So?” “When people see your ring, anyone that matters knows it meant you had one of the best educations in the country. It’s a symbol. You only get to wear it for a few years after you graduate, but even just having it for that time, it must be great.” Jin had no idea who told Doyun this, but he figured it had to be something specific to his school or maybe to his family. Most of his own classmates lost their own class rings during their multiple graduation trips. Jin nearly lost his while he was in Europe. It was a miracle he didn’t lose it every day. Then again, people who weren’t desperate to prove their elite status didn’t give a lot of weight to status symbols like these. People like Doyun, however, did. “I only went to my school for a year so the best ring they could give me was a gold one. It stuck out like a sore thumb. Yours looks like the one I wanted. I’ve been trying to find one like that to buy, I’ve had no luck.” It hit right then for Seokjin just how deep Doyun’s insecurity had to run for him to be trying to buy a fake class ring. “You’re so lucky,” Doyun reminded him. He sighed out, as if looking for sympathy. “I’m just jealous. That’s all.” He suddenly seemed too bored to continue. “Let’s go downstairs and join the others.” While Doyun seemed to be at his most honest, Jin had to ask what had happened at the company. “Why do you and Yoongi’s circle hate each other so much?” Doyun rolled his eyes. “He and his little friends don’t seem to understand that trainee business is dog-eat-dog. They hate being reminded, but I’m a realist. It’s not my fault they want to live in a fantasy where everyone can get in the band. There’s almost 30 of us.” Jin nodded, understanding exactly what Doyun was talking about. “I thought you’d be mad at Yoongi,” Doyun mused almost to himself. He didn’t even so much as look at Jin to see if he was paying attention to these mumbles. “He keeps painting you as weak, the way he keeps talking about missing you and how nice you were. How you couldn’t hurt a fly. It makes you sound so feeble. And it’s so weird how he collects boyfriends the way he does. He probably thought you’d be another one. I knew you were different. You’re normal. And that entire circle is so concerning, it was only a matter of time before you noticed. I don’t know how they got in acting like they do. The standards must have been lower back then-” The homophobia would have upsetted Jin more if he hadn’t heard the part about Yoongi never losing faith in his goodness. Jin didn’t want to smile, but the edges of his lips curved up a bit once Doyun looked away. Yoongi missed him.  As Jin lost the day to hanging out with Doyun and his friends, it didn’t take him long to start realizing he was not having any fun. He was doing a great job of playing along. He noted that Doyun is not as smart or as good at deceiving people as he thought he was. For example, Doyun said that he could live with his parents like Jin, but that he wanted to get on the managers' good sides so he moved into the dorms.Jin curiously asked,  "Wait, so should i move in? Will that make my chances better?"Doyun tried to recover from the mistake of nearly helping Jin. "O-Oh. no. You're totally fine where you are." Doyun's biggest flaw was that his pride and his desire to brag about everything would always compromise his ability to get what he wants by manipulating or deceiving people. Jin changed the subject. “My parents will be out of town in a few weeks if you all want to come down sometime.” “Home all by yourself? Is the party so exclusive you can’t invite us?” Jin was perplexed. “Party?” “You have to throw a party. If you invite the trainees, it’s the best way to get them on your side quickly. They’ll stop resenting your wealth if you let them in on a moment of it.” Perhaps that was true, but Jin had no intention of doing something that could get him into so much trouble with his parents. He wasn’t sure the payoff would be enough. Doyun was staring at his ring again. “Why are you trying to buy one, Doyun?” Jin asked. Doyun was clearly frustrated at being caught staring again. “I want people to see me wearing it and give me that respect.” “Even if it’s not real?” “Power is power.” 
A Few Weeks Later, Spring 2011
Dancing was Jin’s biggest weakness and he loathed the lessons, instructors, and routines so much that it physically pained him to practice, even if practicing was the only way to get better.Even Doyun pretended not to know he existed during their last dance class while Jin got chewed out for having two left feet. He almost knocked two other trainees out of their positions because he nearly fell from a specific position they were meant to hold. It didn’t feel like the song allowed enough time for all of the moves the choreographer had assigned, but Jin knew he was the problem when he realized he was the only one having a hard time. Though he still didn’t dare get caught talking to Jin until the instructors decided to forgive him, Doyun still made a point to tell Jin that he talks in his sleep when he naps between classes. He accused him of practicing routines in his sleep and apologizing for imaginary mistakes. Jin really hoped he was lying. It didn’t help how many meals he’d skipped in the past few days. For whatever reason, he was gaining weight lately and he intended to lose it all in a week so that he could go back to his normal diet without worrying. Though he wasn’t really one to play with going hungry, hanging around someone like Doyun really started to take its toll when he liked to poke fun at how “puffy” Jin’s shoulders looked and how everyone was calling them “wide” to use the more polite form of the word. Jin’s stomach let out a loud rumble as he rehearsed. Blushing, he felt grateful he was alone until Yoongi’s presence made itself known. “I think that I just lost all hearing in my right ear,” he joked. “Damn it, Seokjin, I’m a producer. I needed my perfect hearing.” Jin didn’t answer. Yoongi’s cheery tone didn’t change at all. “You don’t have to speak to me but at least check out what I brought.” Jin resisted at first before turning to see Yoongi was holding a tuna sandwich up to his height. “It’s your favorite.” “I’m not hungry.” “Is that why there’s an avalanche roaring in your stomach?” “You’re hilarious,” Jin mumbled. “Seriously, how boring do your friends have to be that you have to bother me for fun?” He couldn’t sell the insult well, too tired to really invest in any sort of anger right now. “We are friends,” Yoongi said yet again, making a habit of reminding him every few days when they ran into each other. Jin couldn’t even roll his eyes. He took a seat on the floor when he realized he was too dizzy to run the routine again. He just needed a short rest before he started again. Jin didn’t have the time to wait for Yoongi to leave, even if it meant sparking a lot more questions. “You okay?” “Never better,” Jin lied a little more smoothly than last time. “I’m just stretching.” Yoongi sat barely a foot away, pulling another sandwich out of his bag. “I’ll just sit here and eat in front of you then,” Yoongi decided. “Since you’re not hungry.” “Go away.” “Only if you eat. Until then, I guess Doyun’s really going to hate seeing us hang out.” “We’re not hanging out.” “Feel free to get up and walk away, then, since you’re not tired.” Yoongi dangled the bagged sandwich in front of Jin’s face. Jin closed his eyes and tried to calm himself before deciding there really wasn’t another option. Yoongi won this round. He was too hungry to refuse. Jin snatched the bagged sandwich out of Yoongi’s hand. Things were peacefully quiet. Jin could almost ignore Yoongi’s satisfied little smile. “If you stop killing yourself over this routine,” Yoongi proposed, “I will get Hoseok to help you work on it.” “Hoseok hates me.” “He’s my best friend and he’ll do it if I ask.” Jin turned to Yoongi expecting the man to laugh in his face for believing him even a little bit. When Yoongi’s expression stayed serious, Jin didn’t know what to say. “You’re not kidding?” “I’m dead serious.” It only took an hour for Yoongi to get Hoseok to confirm that he’d do it over text. Jin didn’t know why it was so easy to fall into the trap of believing Yoongi, but he did. He slipped on that trust for this man like a glove he’d needed dearly. He went as far as inviting Yoongi to the party he was throwing, telling him to invite all of his friends, all of the trainees, anyone he wanted in exchange for this help. This was the kind of thing Doyun would never do for him. Later that week, Jin showed up for the scheduled training session early just to avoid giving Hobi anything to complain about like tardiness. Only for Yoongi to be the only one to show up half an hour late.“He’s not coming.” It was like Jin’s world caved in. He’d skipped a practice time just to keep his word to Yoongi that he wouldn’t be overworked before this session. He’d gotten some extra sleep. He even ate a second helping of breakfast that morning just so he’d have the energy to keep up with a dancer like Hoseok. “Why?” “The group talked-” Yoongi seemed to be looking for words to say. “They’re afraid that helping you might be a bad look for the other trainees.” “What?” “That they might not trust us anymore if we help you. So Hobi said he won’t do it.” Jin couldn’t even look at Yoongi. “I can help you! I’ll do everything I can. It’ll be fine.” “We’re two days from the final run, Yoongi,” Jin reminded him. “I did what you asked and waited for this.” Yoongi was quiet like he understood he didn’t have a right to say anything. Like he knew saying something would just make things worse. “How badly do you want to get rid of me?” “No,” Yoongi insisted immediately. “No, Seokjin, that’s not what-” “That’s exactly what this was about.” “I’ll help you-” “You didn't even have time for me when we were supposedly friends!” Jin snapped finally at Yoongi. “What good will you be to me now?" “I will spend all of my time between now and the routine, Jin. I promise.” Jin shook his head. "Why ask an amateur for help when I have the money to hire an instructor instead? I don't know what I was thinking trusting you on this." 
Two Days Later, Spring 2011
Miraculously, Jin passed the dance evaluation with the help of a paid instructor and a good word from Doyun to the trainers about how hard Jin had been practicing. Jin didn’t realize, however, he’d failed a different test. Jin was supposed to come to a party that his father had for a bunch of investors that he had been asked to attend. Unfortunately, it was the same day as his final dance presentation. The evaluations all ran late for the trainees. With all of the stress he had worked up about failing, Jin forgot completely about the party. Getting home only to see the festive lights all along his door and elegant live music playing loud enough that he was sure the neighbors would complain, Seokjin tried to maintain confidence that he’d get out of this just fine so long as he took the service entrance in and tried to get the party staff’s help sneaking into his bedroom. Though he’d succeeded in the past, it only took one glance for him to get pointed out by one of his father’s friends. Jin could tell just in his father’s glare that he was about to face consequences, but he still rushed into his room to do the right thing and put on a good face for the party. That’s what his father would usually make him do, anyway. Jin was out of the shower and into a suit in so little time that he didn’t even worry about getting recognized anymore now that he saw himself in the mirror. His look was the cleanest it could be, ready to charm and impress even the most stubborn of investors into falling for the family image. By the time his father stepped in, Jin thought he’d have to forgive him as soon as he saw the good it would do to have him downstairs charming the guests. This wasn’t the kind of fight that lasted long for them. However, Jin didn’t realize this was the point where his father would give up. “They asked me to check if you were really wearing makeup,” were the first words out of his mouth. “Were you?” “I took it off. Sorry, I just got done doing a stage for an evaluation,” Jin explained quickly. “I passed.” “You’re late.” “We can talk about it afterwards. This is your party! It looked really great. Mom must be so happy with the decorators’ work. Everyone looks great. Let’s just go join the-” Jin was silenced just by his father’s stare. “Have you forgotten that the real world exists? In the real world, the only thing paying for our family is this job. You can't even respect that.” Jin knew no matter what he said, his father would only escalate things in response. He just waited to hear what the consequences were with his head lowered as he willed himself not to react. No matter what his father said, he’d be expected to go downstairs to the party like nothing was happening. “You’re not allowed to come downstairs.” Jin looked up, surprised. “We had your brother come today. Your mother said we didn’t need him, but I knew I needed someone reliable. The new investors don’t know how many sons I have so I guess no harm done.” Jin couldn’t believe his father was literally suggesting that he just pretended he didn’t exist all evening. “I told you I’d punish you if I had to. I think I know how. You’re not getting an allowance this month.” Jin bit back a severe reaction before trying to come up with a logical argument. “You and mom are away next week. How will I get food or gas for my car?” “These concerns are the kind of things other people have to worry about. Maybe that’s something you’ll need to get used to.” “That’s not an answer.” Jin immediately flinched when his father raised a hand. He knew talking back had been stupid. If he’d gotten hit, there was no one in his life who would tell him his father was in the wrong for doing it. His father refrained, smiling when Jin was frightened as if it proved his point. “You’ll figure it out. Maybe when this idol thing doesn’t work out, you’ll try chasing a dream that’ll pay your bills.” His father seemed ready to leave, but it was like he knew he could do more damage and simply couldn’t help himself from trying. "I don't even know who you are lately but you're not going anywhere near my company's business like this." Jin sulked as time passed and his phone lit up every other minute with a new message. His old friends were downstairs with their parents enjoying the party. They were asking where he was and why he wasn’t there like he promised. Some started to ask if he’d done something wrong. At least two of them figured out he must have been uninvited and decided to go home early. One asked why his father was telling investors he was working on his thesis when he wasn’t even going to university anymore. He’d never been so mortified in his life. It’d been months since he’d seen his friends yet here he was crying into a pillow like a child and wondering what he could have done differently. By the time he was sick of feeling sorry for himself, self-pity turned into rage as he turned to his bedside table and picked up his phone. Testing his voice aloud a few times to make sure it was steady, he sent a quick text to Doyun. 
Think we can meet in the morning? I’ve got an offer for you.
 It was as though Doyun just couldn’t help himself. He called in seconds. “What kind of offer?” were the first words out of his mouth. “How badly did you want that ring?" Jin asked as he picked it up from the bedside table. "Why?" Jin shrugged as though he was right in front of Doyun. Jin wasn’t the best liar, but he knew how to be convincing when it was necessary. "Eh, I don't really want it. Truth be told, I hated high school. I was wondering if you’d want to buy it off me. I just think it'll mean a lot more to you than it does to me." Doyun sounded blown away and thrilled though he tried to sound humbled and even flattered by what this meant for their friendship. Jin knows they were both full of shit right now but Doyun didn’t seem to catch on. "How much do you want? I'll pay anything," he admitted bluntly. "That depends," Jin said, trying to think of a number but coming up short. He put Doyun on speaker before starting to text his friends back. I'm having a party while my parents are away, wanna come? By the time he pressed send, he decided Doyun was so desperate that the best thing he could do was let him make the first bid. "How much is it worth to you?" Doyun would pay an arm and a leg to have this ring. That was more than enough to cover Jin for a month and take care of whatever this little party cost. He wondered what his parents would think if they found so much as a scratch on anything in their house.
A Week Later, Spring 2011
After all that he’d done, Yoongi still had the audacity to show up at his party and crash his matchmaking game. Jin didn’t even know what had possessed Yoongi to sit at the exact spot that his marker ended up pointing in. If it hadn’t been for that idiot, they wouldn’t have had to kiss and Jin wouldn’t have to be rethinking his every move up until this stupid party.It was slowly dawning on him that this party as a whole had been a mistake.At the end of the day, the attendee list was based on who was and wasn’t accepting of Doyun’s authority. The entire time they were planning the event, Jin managed to avoid telling Doyun that he’d ever invited Yoongi. He had hoped Yoongi would have the common sense not to come and especially not to bring his friends after he’d tried to sabotage Jin.How he managed to stroll in and force them into an awkward situation within seconds was unbelievable.Originally, Seokjin was glad most trainees just accepted Doyun’s power as it meant a good amount of the trainees got to come. In addition, Jin's other friends were here having a blast meeting all the gorgeous trainees.Speaking of, a girl who’d caught Jin’s attention among the female trainees kept Jin’s eyes on her at all times. It seemed intentional today, perhaps because Jin was showing a very different side of himself. Jin was a lot of fun when he was tipsy, or so he had been told. The trainees had never seen him intoxicated before, but they seemed to like what they could see. He made a good party host and an even better comedian as every joke of his landed. Perhaps Doyun had gotten tired of not being in the spotlight. Doyun had once told him how to play a specific game where the object was to get the marker to stop while pointing at the person in the circle you most wanted to kiss. Jin didn’t think the game would go very well but he’d gotten an ego boost at seeing girls volunteer to be in the circle as an option for him to end up kissing them if the marker pointed to them. While Jin was thrilled the girl he liked had been one of the volunteers, a glance at Doyun made it clear he hadn’t expected the volunteer gathering to go so well. Jin’s circle was big but it left room as his crush sat and left a lot of space in the circle. He was so grateful because the marker landing on the empty space would have resulted in him kissing her just as he wished. Jin didn't put two and two together that any suggestion of Doyun’s were made with the motivation of landing him in trouble. It was like he just wanted to see something awkward happen to anyone playing. He just liked chaos. Jin also wondered in hindsight if he was looking forward to whatever inevitable accident end up damaging something in his house. It was not necessarily that that was Doyun's goal, but more to say that Doyun wouldn't care if this party descended into chaos at Jin's expense. So Jin was at least being as careful as he could be while intoxicated, but he saw this game as harmless. "See? She wants to kiss you. You have a chance," Doyun boasted. At that moment, Yoongi made his entrance just yards away as he was followed inside with a couple of friends who were greeted so loudly that it immediately called Jin’s attention. It was just as he’d spun the random device that was meant to decide his fate. Yoongi just happened to be close enough by the time Jin’s slippery marked stopped that he’d had time to decide to sit where the girls were sitting because it was the only open space he could easily find. It was like all he had wanted was to confirm that Jin saw him. Jin cursed Yoongi even more than when he had a better reason to be mad at him. The random marker pointed at Yoongi when it so easily could have pointed at his crush instead. Jin had to kiss him. Doyun and his friends seemed to think this was hilarious. When Yoongi's friends found out, they also seemed to think it was harmlessly funny. Hoseok was the only one Jin thought looked like he was making a point with something. Both their friends pushed them into the kiss. Jin didn’t think it would affect him the way it did. It was just so confusing, how he was shaken to his core out of something other than fear. There was an absence there when Yoongi’s lips were gone, even though they’d not moved or really kissed so much as been pressed together forcefully by their friends. Jin didn’t know how to explain what he felt. Jin was just replaying what happened. Through the fog, Doyun was going on about how amusing that was. "How the hell did that happen? That was better than anything I could ever have imagined." Joonwoo looked a little perplexed at Doyun’s reaction. His extreme homophobia had them all quietly convinced someone gay had to have wronged him once. Doyun just accidentally confessed he wanted to cause chaos for Jin. Jin realized this whole party was a mistake even if it was working in his favor by getting the trainees to like him better. "He may not look like much but Yoongi has his collection of boyfriends running around as proof you don’t know what those lips were touching before. You might want to go wash yourself off." Jin's neck just snapped. Maybe he was defensive of Yoongi, but that was also just too much to say about any person. Turning to Doyun as the man laughed at his own joke, Jin snapped after a long moment of just staring at him, as if finally seeing just how pathetic he was. Fight fire with fire. "Doyun, you really got off on that, huh?" "What?" Doyun was stunned. "I've just never heard anyone insist on making so many references to gay sex in my life. You really know your way around," he joked. Joonwoo was very obviously and loudly snorting. He was just choking on his laughter in the background. “Sorry, man. I didn't mean it like that. I just wish we could talk about one of these assholes without you putting images in my head. Why do you always have to take things so far?" Doyun didn't like answering to his behavior. He hated being called out for being a homophobe because he often self-destructed trying to defend it. Joonwoo occasionally questioned him like that from time to time. Jin picked it up from him because he wanted to witness again how it made Doyun’s blood boil. “You're such a rude drunk,” Doyun accused finally. “You should go get some water so you can sober up." Before Doyun could turn away, Joonwoo started pulling Jin towards the party's drink table without a word. He poured two drinks and gave one to a very surprised and dazed Jin. He clinked their plastic cups. "Kim Seokjin, that shit was hilarious," Joonwoo said, looking the happiest he’d ever been.  
The Following Week, Spring 2011
Jin couldn't sleep because of thoughts about Yoongi. That kiss haunted him all night and his guilt about the way he'd been behaving finally hit him. So by the next day, with no sleep, Jin had made a decision about this survival-based alliance with Doyun. He was going to use what he knew about how to control Doyun to force him to calm down. He would lessen what Doyun was able to do to everyone. Hopefully while keeping Doyun on his good side. That was the hard part but something about that experience pushed him to want to be better. Encouraging Doyun to do less to the innocent trainees felt like the best way to redeem himself. He was ready to defend the others. In the morning, when Doyun asked if Jin was hungover and handed him painkillers, he expressed his dissatisfaction with Jin's behavior the night before. However, he also admitted the entire group was more popular with the trainees now because of him. He offered up a story about how the team was hailed like kings when they returned to the dorms and all anyone could talk about was how great Jin was. He looked secretly bitter when he admitted this too. Jin just apologized for whatever he did and claimed to not be able to remember it. Doyun let it go very happily, seeming pleased that Jin couldn't recall. Doyun eventually asked how Yoongi and his friends found out about the party. Jin just claimed that they must have invited themselves. That was when Joonwoo etched himself onto Jin’s shit list. He piped up with "Oh really? So, that wasn't you I heard inviting Yoongi because he offered to help you dance?" Doyun glared at Jin through the long silence that followed. "There's no problem with being desperate for help, Jin. I know we weren’t there for you at the start of that dancing incident. That’s not an excuse to lie to us." Doyun’s circle got more and more cultish as time went on. Jin just glared at Joonwoo before going "I must have forgotten." Doyun clearly didn’t believe him. Doyun just chuckled. "If you had been smarter, you never would have had to kiss Yoongi. Do you remember that part?" Jin pretended to be deeply upset for Doyun's amusement. Then Joonwoo continued pushing. "I wonder if Jin forgets enjoying it too" Two could play at that game. "You're hilarious. Where were you during the party anyway? You just kept disappearing. I'll be very mad if you used any of my bedrooms." Jin wanted to throw the heat onto Joonwoo now. Joonwoo shut up entirely. Luckily, so long as he pushed Joonwoo under the bus, he’d get the heat off him. As Joonwoo left, Jin reminded Doyun that Joonwoo seemed awfully busy lately. Not that he was ever really completely there for this group. “He might have somebody,” Jin supposed. He really hoped it was one of the girls who Doyun had asked the boys to stay away from since he was pursuing them. Jin couldn’t think of anything more pathetic than that request. “It was just an observation.”Doyun watched Yoonwoo leave. Jin couldn’t help wondering why he was thinking so hard."I don't think he's behaving in our best interest lately. Maybe he thinks one of us are a threat. Or maybe it’s something else,” the leader admitted out loud. “Just keep your eyes out and let me know if you find anything?" “Of course, Doyun,” Jin replied diligently in an obedient tone that Doyun clearly liked. Jin turned away while rolling his eyes and walked to his next session with every intention of ignoring that last request. Who knew what Doyun would do with any information about Joonwoo? Jin wasn’t getting involved any further. 
One Year Later, Mid-2012
 In a few months, final contracts for band members were meant to start being signed. Jin was stressing out. Though they’d grown apart in the past year, Doyun still seemed to trust Jin. He even “did him a favor” by figuring out who was most standing in his way. While Jin knew it was Joonwoo and Doyun on different sides of the spectrum, Doyun claimed he did the math and pinpointed Jin’s exact competition: a new kid named Jimin.Jimin had to be about 16 or 17 years old. A talented dancer that was somehow still struggling with dancing because of the style change, he and Jin were well matched. Jin outranked him in visual but Jimin sang like an angel even if he still wasn’t trained to hit high notes. With only a few months behind his training, Jimin showed the best improvement even though Jin had years of training behind him now.Doyun and his goons pushed Jimin into a dark, empty classroom where Jin was waiting to force him to stop being a threat by whatever means necessary. All he could think about was his father’s impending rage if he didn’t get offered a contract at the end of all this training. At first, he was blinded by his own fear and anger. “Hey Jimmy,” Jin taunted. “I-It’s Jimin,” the boy stuttered, seemingly already terrified. Jin hated seeing this. He looked like Jungkook on the day he’d tried to save him. Jin hated bullies, so he didn’t know what it was that he thought he was doing here. “Whatever. You’re the kid who sings now, right?” he asked, angry that Jimin had been meant to be trained as a subrapper and lower level vocalist. If he’d stayed in that bracket, Jin wouldn’t have had anything to worry about. Now, their pluses and minuses balanced each others. They were also the only two who were primarily cast without training in the specific fields they were needed for. Even though Jin's casting was more based on looks, Jimin had the dancing ability to back his casting up. Jin knew he personally was struggling with dancing. Jimin nodded shakily as he seemingly searched the wall for a light switch to make the room brighter. Jin hated every minute of this. The boys told Jin all he has to do was intimidate Jimin into toning down his progress. Then the managers would supposedly pay more attention to Jin’s development again. Jin was hesitating but he didn’t want to show his hand. In as steady a voice as he could muster, he nodded at Jin with a command. “So sing,” Jin said, wanting to know how much of a threat this boy was. Jimin seemed to have chosen a song in English, one that he wasn’t struggling in singing. Jin could only make out three words that he sang over and over again for the chorus. Stand by me.  The song sounded sweet, and Jimin’s voice was so steady as he shyly attempted the high notes while still fearfully staring up at Jin whenever he wasn’t clamping his eyes shut whenever he got too scared and nearly forgot his lines. “Why that song?” Jin demanded when the boy slowed to a halt when the nerves became too much for him. “I sang it for my parent’s anniversary.” Jin nodded, unable to stop judging himself for even being here. How far had he sunk that he was about to intimidate a child into giving up his dreams? “It’s their favorite song.” He was a good kid, too. “It’s very pretty,” he complimented under his breath, taking a deep breath in and trying to calm himself. “Are you going to hurt me?” Jimin asked fearfully. Jin wondered for a second if Jimin was younger than he thought. However, his age didn’t matter. The kid didn’t belong here. Jin knew he was better than this. Jimin was a real threat, but he worked hard just like Jin. He deserved a fair shot. Jin had to get in on his own merit. Doyun violently knocked on the door from the outside. "Are you done yet?" Jin just stared at Jimin for a second. "If anyone asks, I pushed you around and you agreed to fail the evaluation on purpose. Okay?" "I can't fail this!" Jimin nearly screeched though Jin gestured for him to stay quiet. "I didn't say fail it. I said tell people I told you that you had to," Jin explained impatiently. Jimin just agreed and fled the room in relieved tears that convinced Doyun that Jin had done his job. For the most part, Jimin kept his promise. Most of the others seemed intimidated by bully Jin. Doyun was especially happy. Namjoon and Hobi seemed particularly unbothered by this new story, so he was suspicious. Then Yoongi started doing this thing where whenever Jin was alone, he’d practically float past him with words like "I knew you had it in you", "I said there was good in there somewhere", and "I knew you were a softie". The latest dig made Jin accept the fact that Jimin must have told one of the trio or the two maknaes that Jin had let him go and then soon that small circle of five all knew the truth. Yoongi had finally drifted past him the day before an evaluation, peeking into a room where he was alone and announcing in a whisper-yell: "I knew you were good, but I never thought you'd be so soft." "If you keep this up, I will eat that kid for my next lunch,” Jin threatened. “I swear, I’ll do it." Yoongi just winked. "I'm just saying I was right not to lose hope." Jin rolled his eyes, but truthfully the words made him feel amazing. Nowadays when no one was looking, Jimin shot him a little secret smile from time to time. Jin decided after the third time that he wouldn’t murder the boy for not keeping their secret. 
A Few Months Later, Mid-to-Late 2012
After Namjoon was offered his contract and Yoongi was then offered his, Yoongi decided to invite Jin to the joint party being thrown. Just Jin.He didn’t want Doyun at the party anyway. As he and his circle begged to be invited as his guests, Jin happily refused them by letting them know he wasn’t going to allow anyone to intimidate Yoongi’s friends. “My hands are tied,” he enjoyed saying. Yoongi clung to Jin for some of the night as he danced away his night and convinced Jin to play several games with him while clinging to his arm all night. Also drunk, Jin wasn’t sure he’d ever been happier on a night out. He finally got to know Namjoon during this evening. They hit it off even before the alcohol could affect them. Things only got better when he discovered Namjoon was a hilarious drunk. Jin could see a potential best friend in Namjoon and he was excited to pursue that possibility once they sobered up. Namjoon clearly felt the same. He and Yoongi spent the night trying to convince Jin that he should come to more of their hangouts and all the other stuff that they did together. When the two of them were pulled away by other guests, Jin let them enjoy their fun. Somehow, for the rest of the party, Jin accidentally ended up babysitting the maknaes since everyone was nervous they would start drinking if no one watched them. Jin volunteered if only to make sure Namjoon and Yoongi could concentrate on celebrating their amazing accomplishment. Besides, once they were busy, he didn’t have anyone else to talk to at this party. So he babysat the maknaes for the night and got closer to them though he spent most of the night being a spoilsport. He did sneak them a bit of vodka at the end of the night, if only for the amusement of watching them suffer through the taste. “Why didn’t you warn us?” Jimin complained. “That’s for ratting me out, snitch,” Jin teased as Tae and Jungkook pouted at him miserably.
Mid-To-Late 2012
 By the time Hobi got his contract signed, he surprised everyone to the point of dramatics. Hobi invited Jin to the celebration party himself. Ever since Yoongi and Namjoon’s celebration, Jin had been taking care of the maknaes. He saved Jungkook from Doyun more than a few times and even broke up a fight between Doyun’s goons and one of the other original trainees. The entire time that the party was going, he didn’t notice anything strange about the way Hobi and Yoongi were behaving. However, he still found a reason to find their connection remarkable that day. Hobi had Yoongi on the edge of his seat with every word, cackling with every joke, looking at him with even brighter stars in his eyes than usual. Jin wished he and Yoongi were like that but too much time had passed apart. Try as Yoongi did to make up for lost time, they had a long way to go before they could even just get to fixing the damage that had been done. Jin, in theory, wanted to leave the past in the past. Putting that into practice would take them time, though. Jin’s trust was hard to regain, especially when he was no stranger to being let down. Jin asked Hobi if he wanted his key to the trainee hideout in case he or Yoongi meet a girl at the next bar they said they’d go to. Hobi admitted another trainee already gave him one, but also dismissed the idea that they’d be separating. “We stick together,” he explained casually. “It’s hard to lose Yoongi’s attention once he’s tipsy. He needs something to focus on or he’ll get dizzy.” Jin knew even if Yoongi had heard the joke that he would have appreciated it. Seeing Hobi and Yoongi return to each other’s sides as they made their goodbyes to the other guests, Jin wished a little that he could just fast forward to the part where things were better. Yoongi was someone he wanted in his life as far as he could imagine it going. Jin’s jealousy would fade, he hoped. If anything, he had to be grateful that he and Hobi were in a better place now. Yoongi, meanwhile, didn’t seem done with him as he tried to say his goodbye. "Jin, don't go home too!” Yoongi whined. Yoongi’d had most of his attention on Hobi all night since it was his party. However, with his eyes on Jin, he behaved like Jin was now the center of his universe. It was so sweet but Jin wondered if this was what Hobi meant when he said Yoongi needed to focus on people as a crutch to stay steady. He wondered if that was what Yoongi did emotionally too. “What happened to bully!Jin who would force us to take over one more bar before we quit? Come on." Yoongi pretended to shove him gently as though trying to provoke a fake altercation. Jin giggled despite himself. "Bully!Jin wouldn't have been invited tonight, so he didn’t come," Jin reminded Yoongi. “This Jin is good. I think this Jin is happier,” Hobi played along. Jin beamed at him. Hobi’s hostility towards him had faded just enough that Hobi’s words didn’t sound facetious at all. “Have a good night you two. Hoseok,” Jin turned to the star of the night. “You’ll make a very good poster on some teenager’s wall.” “Not as good as you,” Hoseok teased back. The friendliness that Hobi showed even just in little moments made Jin excited to hopefully be friends one day. “It’ll be a shame if you don’t get that photo op.” “Let’s hope the managers think so too,” Jin said, crossing his fingers and holding them up. Jin tried to shake off the feeling that he should have stayed as he walked away. Maybe this was one of those times that he should stayed, even if just to savor a few extra hours with Yoongi.  
Late 2012
 Jin really never thought this day would come. Sitting in the studio with Yoongi and Namjoon as they recorded a humorous take on a rap they’d written on a dare while drunk at their contract party, Jin was failing miserably to keep a straight face as he faked what he knew wouldn’t look very much like swag. It failed just enough to make the two rappers bust their lungs. When the door swung open, Jin nearly hid like a child as trainers entered. “Seokjin, we were looking for you,” they said before smiling politely. “It’s time to sit with us.” The time had come finally. Jin was going to be told if he was being kicked out or put into the band. He wasn’t ready, no matter how many nights he’d spent thinking about this. “Do you want either of us to come?” Yoongi asked gently. Seokjin felt a bit of a flutter in his chest when he realized he wanted both of them there. In so little time, he really felt at home with them. He wanted them there more than he’d ever want his own parents. “Both?” he asked carefully. The trainers led them to a conference room where they waited quietly. “They’re not dumb. They’ll make the right choice. If not, we’ll fight them,” Yoongi suggested. “If they make a stupid decision, we’ll just fight them.” Namjoon nodded. “Kicking and screaming,” he agreed. “We have one visual and his name is Kim Seokjin.” Their tones were so stubborn. Jin smiled, though he knew there was every chance their efforts would fail. Seeing the trainers walk in with a set of folders, Jin knew how to recognize the sign. Clearly Yoongi and Namjoon did too. They were all teary eyed and relieved as the two rappers started shaking Jin by his shoulders and patting him hard on the back. Yoongi even swung a limp a hand around to wack his arm a few times. Maybe he was being jokingly assaulted, but he was too happy to care about the sting. Jin knew the two of them were hollering loudly but they were muted by his shock. The trainers handed over the papers and he had to stare at them with his nose a centimeter from the paper just to be able to read every detail. “I’m really- I’m really in.” “We’ve made a few other decisions too and it was brought to our attention that you’ll be the oldest in the band,” they started explaining. Jin wasn’t sure if they’d said anything before this. “You’ll have to take up the role as leader but that’s the kind of thing we prepare you for.” Jin was pretty sure his heart sank at the word ‘leader’. “What?” “It’s customary. The oldest is in charge of the band.” Jin looked to Yoongi and Namjoon wondering if they were as confused as he was. Neither of them were. Though he didn’t know what he was thinking putting himself at risk here, he couldn’t help resisting the suggestion that he could ever be in charge of these boys. “I-I can’t- No. No sorry,” Jin stuttered nervously. As the words came out of his mouth, he realized he’d said his thoughts out loud. “What?” “I just- I mean,” Jin looked to the boys only to see they were just as confused as the trainers. “I can’t lead. I can’t lead them.” “It’s part of being the oldest. We can train you.” “Someone else should lead. Namjoon should lead. Anyone else should lead. You need somebody else.” “Jin-” Yoongi warned. “That it, actually, Namjoon should lead. You’ve left him in charge this long. He deserves it.” “Why?” they asked, looking willing to hear them out. “I do not have their full confidence the way he does. He’s earned that trust from the start. You could hire anyone else for the band and they’d know they could rely on him. I’m just a visual,” Jin admitted. “They need someone who knows what they’re doing leading and Namjoon is perfect for it. I’ll be the perfect hyung if you’ll let me keep the contract, but I should not lead. With your permission.” “Namjoon is the youngest we’ve signed so far. The next person in line would be Yoongi,” they said. Yoongi shook his head. “I would kick and scream and beg for anything but leading. Hoseok too. Just ask him.” They looked perplexed but open to listening. They gestured for them all to sit down before they started interrogating Namjoon on his vision for the band’s future. Jin wondered if this meant he’d still get his contract. Lucky enough, it did. Namjoon had never smiled so much since Jin met him. He wasn’t one for planning parties but he went all out for Jin’s contract party. After they’d heard what Jin had done, not a single trainee was hesitant to attend the celebration. Even at his house party, Jin was not the man of the hour the way he was that day. Everyone was finally on Jin's side. Even his parents, but that didn’t seem to matter nearly as much as before. Hobi smiled at him and waved from across the dance floor at some point around midnight. Jin took it as a win. He even got a thank you from the dancer later on in the night. It all had to be a dream, but Jin was going to get bruised from how much he’d been pinching himself. He didn’t wake up. This was all real.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

(Oh no, is this another long author’s note?)(Oh no, is she asking us to read this and respond bc it’s important?)(Oh the horror….she’s bribing us with a new chapter within the next 24 hours if we read this and help.)( -despair- )
Hello all,
I want to get back to writing so I won't proofread this so if it's a disaster....I'm sorry.I asked some people if I should just post this A/N directly to the fic and it was agreed that I should so here we are. If a bunch of you reply, I will post the new chapter early here without the live fic launch happening first. By reply, I mean useful comments though. Don’t just “Replied.” or “Saw this.” me, you guys have been quiet lately. <_<Some exciting stuff is happening for Spring Break and I think it’s time for a long A/N update. Just like I used to post every day/every other day during my Winter Break, I want to do a repeat of that for this break since I might have the time and ability. About Spring Break It’s Spring Break! I decided to stay home with the family so most of the day, I have nothing to do. About today.....1. Posting within the next 8-24 hours: I will be hopefully finishing Jin’s POV tonight and posting it in a few hours, however, please continue reading because I need some help before then.This part is guaranteed regardless of how Tuesday goes.If all goes well Tuesday night, here’s the plan for the days after:2. POV Chapters Finished This Week: I will hopefully be finishing the POV chapters by the end of this week so we can get back to the original plotline. You know what this means? It means…..
3. Posting Every Day: Oh the memories of December-January and the daily posts….so at the end of each day I’m going to wrap up the parts of the story I have finished and post whenever I finish something at the end of the day or by a certain consistent hour.
4. Events Every Day: I’m taking requests on what but so far I’ve been given some deleted scene prompts, headcanon prompts, and questions for a Q&A. Stay tuned.5. Tumblr I went dead and stuck to Twitter. Please forgive me. I’m going to fix that soon. Especially this week. I’m just a huge fan of polls since they’re the only thing people answer lmao.6. Social Media I’ll be online basically 24/7 giving out teasers and hints about a lot of stuff. Speaking of….. 7. Other Works I’ll be posting a lot teasers and excerpts and even releases of related and unrelated works that I’ve been talking about on social media (like that Taegi royals/arranged marriage AU) so if you enjoy my other stories or want to see deleted scenes for this one (like what happened with Taekook, or deleted scenes from the Joonwoo/Hobi ship or the Taeyong/Jungkook ship, or other character’s POVs of specific scenes), stay tuned!I will be taking requests mainly for all of the above so feel free to submit ideas of what you want on Curious Cat. (You can go anonymous.) 
But none of this can happen without getting answers to the things below:
Writing Sprints Looking for fellow writers for some help! Due to the school year and a few medical issues, (if you’ll remember I’ve told y’all on social media about my attention deficit disorder, as well as my anxiety problems), I’m trying to train to write more and better with less “focus” medication so that I can keep this hobby going while also pursuing a new health plan. I have trouble concentrating, so I’ve successfully started doing these “writer sprints” with fellow writers.The way they work is we go to this link and we’re given a text box. We both write into our own box where it’ll count the words and share it to each other without showing each other what’s being written. The point of it is for us to concentrate only on writing for short periods of time while trying to keep up with each other’s speed. I had some writers helping with this. However, it’s a busy time of year so it’s hard to find someone who is available to do one when I’m writing. And this week I’ll be writing full time. So if you’re interested in ever possibly doing a writer sprint and being told when I’m about to do one, please contact me ASAP. I could even use a writing partner for this chapter I’m doing right now so we could literally be sprinting today.Other Help Alternatively, if you are a huge procrastinator, have time on your hands to lend a hand, or would love an excuse to talk to me (-wink wink- ... I know I annoy myself too with these jokes), please reach out. There are some writing structures I use to help focus and am usually looking for help even just with working a timer or keeping a record. It’s pretty simple stuff so even if you just tend to get bored and wouldn’t mind talking to me just to help out, please reach out. If you need to be bribed with spoilers or teasers or seeing the fic early or my eternal love and affection, I love bribing people.Writing Team We have a few openings on the writing team! We’re looking for betas and just help in general from anyone who’s itching to join. The sub-writer position also has openings. Just comment saying you're interested.(It’s actually much more casual than people seem to think. I’ll run an outline by one person OR breakdown the chapter to some other person OR hand someone a new scene from the new chapter if I need an opinion. There isn’t a lot of pressure behind joining the writing team, it’s just about being online when you can to be a listening ear occasionally to give feedback/opinions.)New Chat For those of you who can’t join Discord, it was requested I start a chat that doesn’t require a full sign up but that I’ll also check 24/7 and be talking to readers at. Here it is. It works on mobile and can be hosted on any browser. Feel free to start chatting whenever. :) You can even create an email-less password-protected profile for yourself if you want to. I’m so happy someone requested this and I can’t wait to talk to you guys.Discord As always, I thought I’d drop our Discord link for those of you who want to chat with other like-minded readers. :) 
So for the comment check-in:
If you read this author's note, could you please answer the following question?If you could get me to answer one question you had about anything in this spoiler, literally anything , because I’d promised to tell you…..what would that question be? (Don’t worry about spoilers. This is just a fun question.) Otherwise, tell me your favorite chapter. Or tell me the most annoying thing that's happened to you all week. Or all of the above.Good answers mean I will post sooner and not wait for the fic chat to finish first. -kisses all your heads- Love you, Jagiyas.Best wishes.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Late 2016
In a time where it would have been very easy for the group to lose their morale, the band bonded over their mutual love of one show. When releasing an album earlier in the year, they were working the hardest they ever had in their careers. The band had very few breaks and very little time to do much more than sleep given how hectic their schedules were.On top of that, as if they were being expected to find more time to put into their work, the company had advised them to keep up with a brand new but very popular competition show called Produce 101. The concept was that the public would be able to vote on 101 trainee girls, and their votes would pick finalists who would end up in a k-pop band together once the show had ended. Viewers were very excited about the show, and it wasn't uncommon for the boys to be asked if they had an opinion about the concept.Not that they could answer that kind of thing.Taehyung loved watching television, but was rarely given any opportunity to indulge in the habit. Given his love for reality tv shows, especially competition shows, he was the first to volunteer himself to take on the workload. It was exactly the kind of thing he'd already watch, so at least now he had the excuse to be able to do so whenever he pleased under the guise of "research".When Taehyung innocently told the band that he was really enjoying watching the show, he didn't realize that he was about to spark a new obsession for the entire group. It started with just Jimin wanting to join him when he pulled up the newest episode. That was all it took for Jimin to get hooked. It made sense; his girlfriend Jeongyeon was also watching the show after her company insinuated it to be a great way to keep an eye on upcoming competition. She was ecstatic when she and Jimin found one more thing to bond over when they talked over the phone.Jungkook also got curious and started to join Tae as well. Before long, he would do nothing but talk to Tae and Jimin about the girls that he was rooting for, and his infinite struggle to pick only one bias. The battle for his favor was a three-way tie, which had been narrowed down to a one-on-one duel by the time that the hyungs decided that checking out the show was worthwhile. It took convincing, however, considering that it took Hoseok’s resounding approval before Jin, Namjoon, and Yoongi dared to potentially waste their time.However much they currently loved it, it was depressing to realize that the show would play a threat to their band in later years, once this show focused on male trainees rather than only female. Until then, however, they put aside their worries in exchange for rooting for the girls week-to-week and keeping up with the show’s feedback on social media in the few precious minutes of downtime that they had. This silly obsession kept them going and played a vital role in maintaining their bond as members at a time when they really needed it most. The boys even went so far as to place bets on who would win. Namjoon ended up leaving their weekly bingeing circle after his favorites were eliminated all in one night for superficial reasons like visual or pronunciation. Contrary to his former devotion, he then went on a giant rant about how shows like these were detrimental to the trainees and how much pressure those girls had to be under. Namjoon was preaching to deaf ears though, and his bandmates demanded that he pay up after losing so badly, completely ignoring his speech. It wasn't that the band couldn't relate and didn't feel bad for them, but the show was addicting and it had them under its spell.This was why, later in the year as the band worked on an entirely new album, Jin was surprised to find a certain dongsaeng bingewatching the newest season in the fall when the winners had already been announced near summertime.After all the fuss Namjoon had made about the ethical and moral issues of the show and any others like it, Jin was taken aback to find the leader watching the show at three in the morning, especially considering they had work the next day. Namjoon knew better than most the crippling consequences of missing sleep. The songwriters were all pouring their hearts out into the album, which they were claiming would be the one to make or break them; their best album yet. They were hardly eating or sleeping. Jin had to wonder if the leader just wanted a break."Didn’t your girls get eliminated?" Jin prodded quietly from across the room."New bias," Namjoon mumbled in response. His voice was very faint."I thought these shows were beneath you," Jin teased."It's a good show," Namjoon replied. As he sat next to the younger, he made a startling discovery: Namjoon was crying."Did you watch the elimination again?" Jin asked, thinking the tears were merely angry ones over his favorites being let go. "Fearless leader, you called Tae childish for crying when his favorite got canned. I can't wait to tell him-" He stopped when he realized Namjoon wasn’t laughing along with him. The man was trying to put on a smile, but Jin could see more tears welling up in his eyes. Jin put a hand on Namjoon’s back just in time to be able to wrap an arm around his shoulders while Namjooon huffed a shaky breath and let the tears win out. His quiet cries reminded Jin just how young Namjoon was to be shouldering all the pressure coming from his position.Jin knew nothing made Namjoon happier than being their leader, but sometimes he wondered if he’d been right to leave that responsibility on a boy who had been only seventeen at the start.Though Jin wasn’t one to get super affectionate, especially in difficult situations, he did have  a protective mindset. It was uncommon to have to take care of Namjoon for a change, but he was happy to be there for him whenever he needed it. Jin had promised to be the perfect hyung, and he’d done everything in his power to follow through on that promise over the years.“Yoongi is mad at me,” Namjoon said finally. He was staring at his hands. Jin couldn’t get him to look up at all no matter how much he tried, in an effort to get him to calm down and get out of his head. If he cried any louder, he’d risk waking the other boys, and the last thing Namjoon would want would be to worry the others. Or even worse, catch Yoongi’s attention. Yoongi was easy to upset when it came to the other band members. He was also hardest to console. Making his quiet hyung upset in any way would only give Namjoon reason to regret opening up, like he always did when he made the other members nervous.Jin seemed to be the only one he felt safe breaking down in front of lately. He suspected it had something to do with a particular confrontation Namjoon seemed to have with Hoseok and Yoongi that had been kept a secret from the eldest over the years.It would be wrong to say Jin didn’t mind being kept in the dark when the secret often left Namjoon on edge whenever it came up.“Everyone fights, Joon-ah,” Jin cooed at him gently, rubbing his back. “Come on, you know that. You guys are best friends. Honestly, if you didn’t fight, I’d be wor-”“I deserve it. Jin, I really deserve it,” Namjoon sobbed. Jin had never seen him so broken up. It took him a second,  but he realized this was it: whatever tension was building up over other three hyungs’ past incident, it was finally being acknowledged in front of Jin. Even if Namjoon wasn’t being specific.This was such a strange experience, as Jin could barely remember the last time Namjoon had cried in front of him. It was a hard thing to forget, too, considering Namjoon only cried maybe a few times a year at most, usually from happiness. Jin couldn’t remember what had set off Namjoon’s grief last time. He faintly recalled something about a fight with Jimin.With every year that passed, Namjoon grew more and more resilient. He didn’t break as easily as he did when he was a teenager, the worst of his problems being struggling with his love life. The fragile Namjoon he’d met as a trainee was left in the past back when he was mourning a relationship with some girl the hyung figured he didn’t even remember anymore. Jin himself couldn’t even remember her name or the last time that Namjoon mentioned her.“Jungkook was sneaking out the other day,” he explained. “I caught him and he said something about seeing someone. How he didn’t really feel like talking about it. Then when I pushed him a bit on it, Kookie said something about how Yoongi caught him once and didn’t ask any questions, and that he admitted he was hiding someone too.” Jin was confused; he didn’t know why this would upset Namjoon this much.“I didn’t think it was a big deal. Yoongi’s been wanting to go to this bar all month so when we finally went, I guess I drank too much or something.” As if the power of suggestion was enough, Jin just then  smelled the alcohol on Namjoon. However, instead of it being a faint scent coming from his breath, he realized it was a fresh odor. “He’s never going to forgive me.”Jin looked down to see two more empty beer bottles at Namjoon’s feet. Namjoon shuffled a bit as if uncomfortable that Jin had noticed, so he averted his eyes. Namjoon seemed to be slowly getting himself back together, but fell apart again as he replayed the memory in his mind.“We were just chatting and everything was fine. I don’t know why I opened my mouth. I don’t know. I thought it was cute. Yoongi had a secret girlfriend. He never talks about anyone special in his life. I was just happy for him. I didn’t care that he wasn’t telling us, but he really didn’t like-” Namjoon seemed to snap out of his grief all of a sudden. After a minute, he made a quiet request while wiping at his eyes. “Jin-hyung, please don’t tell him I told you.”“I won’t,” Jin reassured. “What happened, Namjoon?”“It’s fine. He’s going to let it go,” the leader admitted as though he wasn’t happy to know that this would be swept under the rug. He seemed resigned. “I deserved all of it, so it’s fine."“What happened?” He had to try at least one more time to get Namjoon to open back up.“I’m okay now, hyung,” Namjoon said, quickly collecting himself. Jin sighed, knowing there would be no point in insisting now. Namjoon wasn’t comfortable sharing, and Jin knew to expect this when it came to whatever disagreement the other three had had amongst themselves.He did all he could do in that moment - resolve the issue with comedy. Pulling Namjoon into a purposefully awkward hug, he wrapped arms clumsily around the leader and extended his neck in a strange angle as if trying to tighten the embrace by tucking him into his chin. It was as weird an embrace as Jin could muster, and had Namjoon giggling instantly.“Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” Jin complained melodramatically as if the gesture was at great cost to his reputation. He smiled when Namjoon’s eyes lit up with quiet laughter.“What are you doing?”“It’s a hug. This is me hugging you. Am I doing it right?” Jin awkwardly pat his head for good measure before wiping his hand on his shirt as if he was uncomfortable. Jin forgot how easy it was to cheer Namjoon up. It was part of what made them such good friends.Namjoon just laughed through the last of his tears. “Where’s Hobi-hyung? He’s much better at this.” Jin just took that upsetting response as a cue to squeeze Namjoon as tight as he could as if it was a serious attempt to crush his lungs and snap his bones just with the power of a hug."I take it back- I take it back- I'm sorry," Namjoon squeaked out as he struggled against Jin’s grip. He’d given Jin too much of an upperhand.“This’ll teach you to have some respect-” Jin whisper-yelled.“Your hugs are perfect, hyung!” Namjoon insisted breathlessly, while clearly trying to stop laughing so hard in case he woke up the others.“My hugs are better than Hoseok’s,” Jin claimed, waiting for Namjoon to repeat the assertion back at him.“Your hugs are miles better.”“Hoseok’s hugs are sweaty and gross,” Jin prompted again.“Very sweaty and very gross,” he agreed obediently, losing himself in more painful giggles.“Now thank your hyung,” the oldest instructed.“Thank you, hyung. I love you, hyung,” he answered in a soldier-like tone. Jin tried not to smile at Namjoon’s embellishment. They rarely exchanged those words.“At ease, soldier,” Jin said, finally releasing Namjoon from his grip.As he pulled away, Namjoon pulled him back in and hugged him tightly for a minute before getting up without another word and returning to his room.
Early 2017

Jin was almost never prepared for ‘hyung moments’, those times where his dongsaengs needed him most to rescue them from whatever situation they’d gotten themselves into. One of those times started with a phone call. Though he had the number in his contacts, Jin wasn’t really the type to talk to the particular idol who was calling him. The rapper on the other side of the phone line was one of Namjoon’s friends, whom Jin knew the leader was out spending the night with getting plastered. Excluding a quick greeting, the rapper got right to the point. “Namjoon said to call you rather than try and do anything ourselves.” The words were concerning to say the least. “Is he okay?” Jin asked immediately, waking up at the thought of his dongsaeng being in danger. “No, no, it’s fine. Everyone’s fine. I should have phrased that better. We’re downstairs, in your building. Namjoon’s plastered and we don’t think he can get back to your dorm without help but-” There was a short pause before the idol’s begrudging tone made it clear he’d probably rolled his eyes. “He says he’ll be embarrassed if the band finds out he’s wasted,” they explained finally. Jin rolled his eyes too. Reluctantly making his way down to the garage entrance of their apartment building, Jin saw a few familiar faces standing around a car. The strongest of the bunch was carrying Namjoon in a piggyback position that made Jin nervous. Did that mean Namjoon couldn’t stand alone? “I think he can stand,” one of the boys said, as if reading Jin’s mind. “He’s just choosing not to. He gets like that sometimes. It’s-” They chuckled as they looked for the right word. “-silly, I guess. In a good way.” He smiled. “Hey,” another started. Jin looked at the speaker and quirked an eyebrow. “He mentioned that you were the one behind his decision to come out tonight. Thank you for telling him to call us. He was talking about how grateful he was for your advice all night.” “Time with friends always helps. He wasn’t feeling his best and I just thought he deserved to have some fun.” “Really, though. It’s been almost a year since we’ve seen him. We hope it was good for him.” Jin smiled warmly, happy to know Namjoon had some good friends even if they seemed bad at cutting someone off at their alcohol limits. Sure enough, within a matter of minutes, Jin was carrying a drunk Namjoon up a short flight of steps to the final secure entrance to their apartment. At some point, Namjoon finally got the energy to talk rather than simply cuddle with the back of Jin’s neck. This was preferable, as all the affection was starting to make Jin a little nervous that Namjoon would find his behavior inappropriate, and regret it later. Not that Jin personally minded. It was a sweet gesture. “Oh, Jin hyung!” Namjoon greeted him happily, his energy returning as he noticed his hyung. “It’s you.” “I’m going to pretend you don’t sound surprised. You’ve been on my back for more than five minutes, Joon.” “...You smell good,” Namjoon noted. “Once again with the surprised tone,” Jin replied, amused. The younger made a confused face. “I know your cologne, this isn’t it.” “I had a date.” “Oh!” The leader’s eyes widened comically. “How’d it go?” Namjoon watched him studiously. Even in his peripherals, he could feel the intensity of his gaze, however unstable the man might have been in the moment. “Not well.” “Aww!!” Namjoon lamented sympathetically, jostling Jin as his disappointment manifested physically. “Shh! Quiet down or you’ll wake up the others,” Jin warned. “Is anyone awake? I wanna say good night.” “It’s 3am.” “So? It’s a holiday!” “It’s not a holiday, you were just celebrating a holiday.” “Why’d I miss the holiday?” Namjoon asked, confused as they entered his room just as Jin’s arms felt like they were giving out. “You didn’t. You just went home a few days ago.” Since it was so close to the holidays and he was feeling low, Namjoon had decided to visit his family for the holidays and came back earlier that day, only to be dragged away by his friends to celebrate the holiday with them as well. Jin felt very lucky that they didn't wake the others up on the way in. “Did you have fun, buddy?” Jin asked. He didn’t expect what happened next. The leader pulled Jin’s head back and kissed him clumsily on his right temple. Startled, Jin let Namjoon go, making the leader hit his mattress with his full weight. “Ow,” Namjoon complained, rubbing at his eyes in an adorable manner. “Your kisses should come with a warning. I am not Hobi,” Jin said, thinking Namjoon most have confused him for the dancer, who was known to give and receive affection quite joyously. “Hobi could not have carried you up those stairs. You really are drunk," Jin joked, not knowing why the action had him so worked up. Namjoon ignored him and simply patted the empty space on the bed next to him. "The bed is cold. I need company." Jin rolled his eyes. Flirty, drunk Namjoon was alive and well, per usual. What was new was Jin being the object of his affection. He supposed it came from being the nearest awake person for Namjoon to launch his affection onto. “Then go get Tae. He's two doors down and he loves cuddles." With that, Jin felt like his duty was complete. Leaving drunk Namjoon to his distracted, dazed fate, Jin returned to his room to go back to sleep. Minutes later, since Jin’s exhaustion took over, Jin was fast asleep. His dream was taking on a mind of his own. As Namjoon’s voice rang in his ears with words of praise, thanking him for doing such a good job taking care of him. Namjoon began to utter some dirtier words that sent Jin’s world spinning, feeling too aroused to make sense of things. “So tight,” Namjoon whispered before groaning as he continued to wait for Jin to get used to his size. “Fuck, you feel so fucking good.” Hearing Namjoon freely curse with a low, aggressive tone was a surprising but welcome turn on for Jin. He was seeing a new side to the leader, who was never like this. He had never seemed to be capable of being this dangerous before, like he could wreck him until he couldn’t walk anymore. Like he’d find a way to make Jin like it even if it hurt a bit or made him sore. Part of Jin wanted Namjoon to go all out, but he knew the other would never treat him like that. Not during their first time. Namjoon was so shameless with the ways his hands roamed Jin’s body freely, without any hesitation, touching wherever he wanted however he pleased. His nails occasionally grazed Jin’s back as if just to get a reaction out of him. Though Jin could feel his touch all over, he always moved his hands back to Jin’s ass, giving it a firm squeeze, slightly adjusting his hips and getting a moan out of both of them before pulling a hand away and smacking it back into the sensitive flesh without mercy, alternating which side at random to keep him guessing. Jin felt exposed, but oddly taken care of in Namjoon’s arms. Still struggling to catch his breath as he felt himself stretch and adjust to Namjoon’s length, which finally bottomed out inside him, Jin couldn’t move, but he was loving the pain just as much as the pleasure. Putting his forehead down on Namjoon’s shoulder, Namjoon wrapped his arms around his hyung for a second. The hug was comforting, the affection being just what Jin needed to get brave enough to move. He kissed Namjoon’s skin where his head was resting mere seconds before, then shifted his hips forward and causing a whine to escape the both of them. For however sensitive Namjoon was silently teasing Jin for being, the other seemed just as overwhelmed. He was living for it. When Namjoon got too gentle as Jin rocked back and forth on his lap, he pulled Namjoon’s hands off his hips, preventing them from slowing him down “Don’t hurt yourself,” Namjoon warned. Jin ignored him, shamelessly grinding down as hard as he could, feeling Namjoon hit a spot he’d never encountered before on his own. Lifting himself as far as he could go up off Namjoon’s lap and then dropping back down forced out loud groans from the both of them. They were vocal enough that Jin wondered if the band members would hear them and figure out what they were doing. “Are you okay, baby?” Namjoon checked. “Oh god, Namjoon,” Jin sighed out, lost in his own haze. “Baby, how do you feel?” “It’s so good.” “Are you hurt at all?” Jin shook his head and kissed him gently before going back to his rhythm, chasing his climax. “Harder. Fuck me harder, baby. Please?” Jin whispered against Namjoon’s lips before he pulled away. Namjoon finally gave in. Leaning in and kissing him again, Namjoon then took control, pulling Jin off of his lap and flipping him around until he was lying on his back with Namjoon spreading the older’s legs and lifting them to allow himself better access. Namjoon put his hands on Jin’s hips and thrusted into Jin without letting his hyung adjust to the new position. Jin was thrilled. “Oh fuck ,” he moaned out, his breath shaky as he tried to will himself to calm down and not let himself get worked up too soon. He needed this to last. At the first thrust, his head was leaning into Namjoon’s shoulder again before he moved his lips to Namjoon’s neck as the leader distractedly continued his work. Looking at his eyes, he could tell Namjoon was intently watching himself pump in and out of Jin’s hole with nothing but lust in his gaze. Namjoon managed to rip one moan after another out of him, pounding into Jin so hard that his mind went blank. He couldn’t think of anything besides Namjoon hitting the exact spot he needed to. The sound of Namjoon’s hips hitting Jin’s ass was getting so loud on its own that he again worried the band would hear. However, that only made this so much better. He hoped they’d know how well he was being taken care of right now. Namjoon was just growling into his ear, calling him dirty names, telling him what a well behaved little slut he was, just the way Jin told him he liked it. Jin was not able to answer coherently but he could hear himself moaning Namjoon’s name, helpless and desperate. 
“Does it feel good, hyung?”
 That woke Jin up. He shot up out of bed, sweaty and tense. Those last words were said so loud that Jin could tell he’d been woken up by real sounds. “Oh, does it feel good? Oh hyung,” he heard suddenly. It was Namjoon. Realizing what was happening after stopping to listen carefully, Jin realized what had sparked his dream. Namjoon was pleasuring himself in the next room. Jin highly doubted he’d said hyung in reality, though; sure that he’d had to have misheard due to his dream. “How’s that baby?” he heard Namjoon say in a breathless voice. “You’re so good. You’re doing so good.” Uncomfortable by the way his body was reacting to the sounds his bandmate was making, Jin told himself it was merely a natural reaction to his dream the entire time it took him to get in the shower and douse himself in cold water, getting rid of any trace of his arousal before he had to own up to it. Jin wondered if he’d maybe spent too long in a recent dry spell, deciding that he needed to go out with friends soon and hope to get laid to avoid something like this ever happening again. With any luck, hopefully Namjoon wouldn’t remember what he did while drunk and the two of them could pretend this never happened.  
Early 2017
 This was a strange situation for Jin. It was so rare for him to be anywhere without the rest of the band. Even if this was a private event, secret even, it still felt weird. He was alone, and that wasn't something he thought he would get so shy about until the moment itself had finally come. Here he was, standing alone awkwardly among a bunch of non-idols. By the glances he was getting, he could tell these people were afraid to approach him, fearing that he would feel bothered. One little girl who'd come with her shy mother asked for an autograph after slipping away from out of her mother's clutches as the woman tried to stop her. It was so cute, Jin couldn't even understand why the mother would get the impression that he'd be upset about it. Other than that adorable interaction, he hadn't done much so far. He almost wished the small girl would come back and continue telling him about the concert of theirs she'd gotten to go to and how much fun she had. Her bias was RM, which was such a peculiar and interesting choice for someone of her age. He wanted to hear more even if just to relay it to the leader. He would be flattered, Jin presumed. Because truth be told listening to a little girl ramble about Namjoon was a much more interesting pastime than standing by himself while they all waited to hear about the wedding reception. Being at a wedding made Jin feel despairingly old, since he was the same age as the idol getting married. The nuptial was heavily kept under wraps, as the idol was marrying someone who was not famous. Despite those negative thoughts, he couldn't help but feel overjoyed. Considering how much time he spent moping over how much the idol lifestyle prevented him from settling down the way he was aching to, he couldn't help but be so dearly ecstatic for his friend who found happiness. Even if he'd have to live a life hiding it from the public. Jin was a little glad this wasn't his life yet, in a way. He couldn't imagine being a married man and hiding it in his professional life. As much as Jin loved his fans, he couldn't imagine putting strangers before the love of his life. The unhealthy mentality of some girls he didn't know who wanted him to stay single forever wasn't enough of a reason to force someone he loved to forego experiencing his commitment to them over to his career. He'd choose who he loved over his career. Maybe he wouldn't fully give up his career for them, but he knew when his heart was the priority and this would be one of those situations. But this was all under the assumption that he'd ever get to date. His eyes skimmed over the many guests looking for anyone he knew. He saw other idols at the small party but from the way they whispered, they were clearly intimidated. He didn't actually recognize them, they just had the idol look. It wasn't enough to motivate him to risk an interaction. He wished anyone, idol or not, would come up and start an interesting conversation, if only to save him from his own anxiety. As if an answer to his call, Jin spotted one of his favorite up and coming idols across the room. Chungha wasn’t someone he’d expected to encounter somewhere like this. He didn’t know about the friendship she must have had with the groom to be invited, but he just felt lucky to have a chance to meet her at all. Jin had followed Chungha's career up until the Produce 101 product band I.O.I. has broken up after only a year in promotions. Chungha was supposedly going up for a solo career, but he hadn’t heard anything more about it until now. She looked great, though, more like an idol now than she did in I.O.I. with their schoolgirl look. Truth be told, Jin felt a bit starstruck at seeing her in person because she’d always been just a television persona to him. He never thought he’d run into her since her solo career was so new. He went up to introduce himself just to find out what she was like in person, and so he could tell Hobi about his findings. He hadn’t really had any intentions other than wanting to say hello and get a feel for her real life personality. It was his only solid chance to approach her because this was a no phone, no camera party due to the secret nature of the nuptials. The idol groom even hinted at mentioning that most attendees had to sign an NDA just to get in. Even the bride’s parents. Jin couldn’t really imagine doing that to someone’s family, but for all he knew it was a mutual agreement, knowing the groom and how committed he was to his bride. He supposed the couple would do anything to keep their relationship secret, even if it meant doubting their immediate family to keep their bond safe from complications. They’d made it this long. They probably knew what they were doing after three years. From his experience, that was a long time for an idol to stick with a relationship. He’d known someone his own age who got married after only a year. The industry was a bit like this though. It was hard to date or have the chance to get to know someone. Finally, their gazes met as Jin turned in her direction completely. He gave his idea to approach her a brief second thought before heading over. She briefly glanced at him to see who was approaching. Upon seeing Jin, it was like she just assumed he wasn’t going towards her as she continued looking around the party. Chungha was also clearly uncomfortable being alone. That made him even more eager to speak to her. There weren’t any insecurities he had expected in a woman who seemed so confident on screen. Though, he supposed that was the point of trying to meet her: separating the woman from the idol. Jin wasn’t one to believe in love at first sight or anything. If it did exist, Chungha would have had him on his knees from the moment he saw her on the show. It wasn’t anything like that, but there was something about their very first exchange that made him realize that he would be walking away from this conversation with more than he’d expected. Though one could say that the notion had been incorrect all along, because he would have had to actually walk away in order to fulfill that hypothesis. Chungha seemed surprised as he headed in her direction - once there was no one between them and she realized she was the only possible subject of Jin’s focus. She bowed a bit as a formal greeting as if that was what she seemed to think Jin was there for. Of course, he didn’t have a big enough ego to assume that everyone at the party was responsible for greeting him. He greeted her back just as formally. An exchange of hellos didn’t smooth any of her confusion over. It was clear in just her tone, but her eyes were even more obvious. “Umm,” she hesitated. Jin was particularly surprised she was trying to control the conversation when she didn’t even know what he was there for. “Seokjin-sunbaenim, did I get your name right?” Jin could see it in her eyes that she knew exactly who he was. She wouldn’t be acting so nervous if she didn’t. If he’d learned anything since their trips to America, it was what it looked like when someone didn’t recognize them in the least. The fact that she was making an effort to seem as distant as possible was a little endearing. He respected the attempt, but her doe eyes gave her away. He’d never seen her intimidated by any challenge but he supposed that even the bravest people could be nervous around strangers. “Yes,” he said, trying not to chuckle. “My name is-” “Chungha, right?” he nervously interrupted her. He just didn’t want her to think he had no idea who she was, but his interruption had come off very rushed. He must have sounded just as insincere about his doubt as she had, since he watched her gain back some of her confidence  when she smiled like she was flattered. Jin had shown his hand, he’d come off like a fan and she had noticed. This wasn’t a disadvantage he’d expected to meet. It had been charming how bad she was at lying, but he couldn’t help regretting his actions given how perceptive she seemed. Lucky for him, the blush on her face indicated that they were on a level playing field with how nervous they both were to be speaking. “Of course I’ve heard of you,” he tried to add on as if he’d meant to confess all along. “I think I’ve seen an episode or two of your show. You did very well at the awards last year.” Hopefully Chungha would know which award show he was referring to. He’d only seen her former band perform once but he couldn’t recall which show it had been. “I heard you’re going solo soon.” “I’ve actually already started,” she answered with a warm smile, as if she’d brushed off his mistake without hesitance. She clearly didn’t have much of an ego. “When?” Jin asked, hoping if it was within the week that he’d have the excuse to say that he didn’t know because he’d been busy lately. “A month ago,” she said eagerly, as if just excited to talk about her work. “Oh,” Jin said, feeling like a bad fan but keeping the disappointment to himself. “Are you here with anyone?” “No. I should have asked my manager or a friend to come with me. This is a tough room,” she joked. “They all just stare.” “You’re a soloist now. Of course they’re staring.” “A soloist who doesn’t like being alone at parties, apparently,” she said with good humor. She just seemed to appreciate that he was sympathizing with her. The conversation had yet to take an awkward turn. At this point, Jin didn’t realize until now just how much being a part of BTS had set him up to know every conversation would go awkward at some point or another. But here, the awkward moment never came. They ended up talking about casual, relatable things - like how awkward parties were when you were by yourself. “I wouldn't have guessed that you'd know him. The groom, I mean,” Jin noted. “I wouldn't really be able to publicize that friendship, would I?” Chungha teased. Jin felt silly for his words. “If you and I were friends, the world wouldn’t really get to be clued in on that either.” “Did you just call us friends?” Jin teased. “I said ‘ if ’,” she pointed out. “It was an example.” “So we’re not friends anymore?” Jin joked. “Have you already revoked our short-lived friendship?” “I prefer friends who listen,” she teased back. He couldn't tell just how much he was grinning, but he had really missed talking with people who engaged in witty banter more than bragging about riches and talking about possessions. Looking around, the smile still going strong on his face, Jin huffed a laugh. “Why do I feel so old here?” Jin mused. “If you're the marrying type, you're kind of staring your future down, aren't you?” Chungha answered bluntly. “That was a bit forward,” Jin pointed out. “Are you always this honest?” For a second, she hesitated. “Sorry. I don't tend to dance around the subject. I apologize if I’ve offended you-” “I thought that was hilarious,” he admitted. “Then you have a strange sense of humor.” “Oh come on, even you think you're funny.” “I have good taste.” She held her chin a little higher. “By extension, so do I for agreeing with you. Trust me, I know a good sense of humor when I see one.” “Hmm, why would that be? Is it because you think you’re funny?” “Obviously,” Jin boasted. “Make me laugh, then?” Chungha challenged with an innocent bat of her eyelashes, a gesture that Jin could tell was full of shit. Chungha effectively killed three of his dad jokes. For one, she knew the answer. In the other, she figured out the riddle. In the last, she just didn’t laugh. “You have a terrible sense of humor,” Jin finally complained as Chungha smiled victoriously. “You're right, you should feel old,” Chungha noted. “You're even making me feel old.” Jin wasn’t really mad but the angry pout on his face was very prominent. “Do the younger idols go for these jokes?” Jin was so mad for a second at her jab. Then he started laughing hysterically, enough to call attention. Luckily, no one was nearby. It was so interesting to hear someone talk to him like this. Normally, no one would be bold enough. She just started cracking up after he laughed. “Why are you laughing?” he asked through his final chuckles. “Your laugh!” she announced animatedly. “It’s hilarious.” “What about it is so funny?” he asked, facetiously confrontative. He was expecting a jab about sounding like a windshield wiper as she straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin up as if preparing for another battle of wits. “What’s wrong with my laugh?” Then her smile turned warm all of a sudden. “It’s cute, do you always laugh like that?” The charm of her comment really hit Jin as he retreated from what he’d thought was going to be a challenge. If it was the setup for a duel, Chungha won before he’d had a chance to accept. He didn’t have an answer for that compliment. He even blushed. He deflated from his pretend indignance as his confusion washed over him and left him feeling shy. Then she just smiled victoriously like she knew exactly what she’d done. They were smiling like fools for a minute as guests passed and didn’t notice them talking. “We should find somewhere to talk,” Jin suggested. “We're talking now,” Chungha chimed innocently. She clearly knew what he meant. She clearly wasn't against the idea. She also clearly wasn't letting him off the hook until he won over the conversation again. "Are you always this stubborn?" "It's part of my charm.” Jin felt a bit blinded by her confident smile. "Despite whatever you said earlier, you definitely know who I am. You’re a fan for sure. So I feel like I don't have to prove how charming I can be," Jin mused. She seemed a little nervous that he knew that about her, that he’d figured her out. Even though she had seen right through him, he’d still managed to get her back for her jabs. “Maybe I know about you, but you don't know about me,” she replied finally. He wanted to laugh because she wasn't entirely correct. He was a fan, after all. Not that she knew that. "I would say it's on you to catch me up," he answered. "We'll have to find somewhere to talk," she agreed. "Maybe with less people." "Somewhere private," she added, more bold now that they were clearly on the same page. "I wouldn't mind that," he said finally. It wasn’t long before they were rushing into Jin’s hotel room in the hopes of not being seen. He had a private hall but something about sneaking around felt like so much more fun. As he shut the door behind them, he turned back only to take a moment to admire how Chungha didn’t seem nervous at all. As though “who he was” didn’t matter here. "Do you think they'll be mad we're skipping the reception?" Jin mused, not caring about the answer. "This is my first wedding in two years but in most of the ones I've attended before, isn't this what most people end up doing during the party?" she pointed out. "Sneaking off to their hotel room with a stranger?" "We talked about this, I thought we were friends now," she teased, calling back their joke earlier. "I like how you treat your friends," Jin said as he closed the space between them and gently took her hand to pull her a little closer. "Don't get smug." "Admit it already. You're a fan. You know I'm always smug," Jin said, holding his chin up. "I don’t believe it for a second. You're cuter when you're laughing like a windshield wiper." "Do tell? Why?" "You couldn't mock me because it kept your mouth busy." "I've got another idea for that." She rolled her eyes but he leaned in to kiss her just in time to interrupt a smile he saw forming on her lips. The fact that she enjoyed his sense of humor was perhaps one of the most telling things about her. She was unlike other people he usually met in his life. It was a little worrying to think of how much he really loved hearing her laugh at his jokes, even if she claimed she didn't find him funny. She was clearly lying and he thought that was so cute. After their little tryst, Jin found every reason to continue his conversation with Chungha as they both stared up at the chandelier above the bed and continued to make each other laugh. The sun had barely set when they’d left for the hotel room, but by the time Chungha was getting calls asking her when she’d be returning to her hotel room, it was pitch black outside. They’d really talked the day away. Jin had every impulse to ask her to claim she was staying with a friend so they could recap the whole exchange and then talk the night away too. However, he knew better than to get too attached. “I hope you won’t mind me saying it,” Jin started, taking a risk. “I really hope to see you around.” The smile that grew on her face was just blinding. He could barely finish the thought. “It’s always nice to have a familiar face among idols. Someone to talk to.” He knew he was phrasing things wrong but she seemed to understand what he meant. “I hope we get a chance to talk again,” she agreed. “Hopefully soon,” Jin added. Pulling her purse strap over her shoulder, Chungha was particularly sweet as they said their goodbyes, as if she knew the effect she was having on Jin. He was practically memorizing her smile in case he wouldn’t get a chance to see it again for a long time. He didn’t know why thoughts of her felt so particularly invading, but there was something about their talk last night that convinced him he’d be foolish not to find a way to have her take on a more frequent presence in his life. Getting home later that day, he was burning to tell someone about the night he’d had. He needed someone to hear him out, maybe to say they understood what he was feeling. He’d had a taste of what it was like living a life that didn’t get complicated by who he was or what band he was in: a kind of freedom he hadn’t experienced in so long. Jin didn’t want to believe it was a crush or anything. That would put him in a difficult position. He knew how impossible it was to date in their industry. He couldn’t help thinking about how he wasn’t even sure if Chungha would be interested. He hated the kind of doubt he got when it came to any possible romantic interest. Still, she did say she wanted to see him again. He couldn’t wait. Finding Hobi writing in a journal on his bed, it only took one glance at Jin at his doorway for Hobi to see what was going on. “You look very happy,” Hobi pointed out. “Was the wedding that good?” “Yeah,” he answered honestly. “Ah, and you were out all night.” Hobi clearly connected the dots to the obvious conclusion. “Yeah,” Jin sighed out happily. Normally, they didn’t talk about these kind of things but Hoseok could read on his face that he felt the need to discuss it. It wasn’t the kind of thing they felt the need to shy away from, it just usually didn’t mean enough to them to be worth discussing. Hobi just moved over in his bed, put the notebook aside, and patted on the empty space on his mattress, gesturing for Jin to sit next to him. Jin did. “Tell me what’s on your mind.” “I’ve never met anyone like that before, she was so easy to talk to.” “An old friend?” “No,” Jin admitted. “A stranger?” he asked, sounding a bit surprised. “I knew of her before but didn’t meet her until today.” “You usually hate talking to new people,” Hobi pointed out, sounding impressed. Jin smiled because Hobi knew him so well. “I want us to talk again. I don’t want us to stop talking, really,” Jin mused. “Next time you see her, just make it happen,” Hobi advised. “Tell her you want to see her.” “What if she’s not interested?” “But what if she is?” That thought had Jin’s head spinning a bit; the idea that this feeling could be mutual. Hobi seemed amused at Jin’s fascination with his response. “You are too smitten over someone you’ve just met. I always forget how cheesy you are. You don’t really look like the romantic type.” Jin let out a loud whine before lightly punching Hobi’s shoulder as the dancer giggled and moved out of the way of his assault. Jin immediately snuck a jab into Hobi’s side. “I’ll show you romantic,” he threatened as he tried to keep Hobi from getting out of his clutches.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Early-to-Mid 2017

Witnessing the battle between Chungha's confidence and her shyness was so entertaining. Jin could see it all in her eyes how she went back and forth between showing a lot of bravery to retreating when Jin managed to win out on one of her challenges. She really tested him in so many ways that he found so refreshing. No one ever held him to an expectation and watched him struggle to meet it, not in something as simple as whether or not he could make her laugh or who would make the other blush first.

Reading her body language wasn't easy but it was a challenge that Jin really loved taking on considering the payoff of guessing correctly. Her amusement when he got things wrong had a payoff of its own. Her smile was so distracting to Jin he wasn't sure he could look away from her face half the time. Her laugh was beautiful, which he hated to admit considering how much she teased him about his laugh. He just wanted to hear her giggle as often as he could, preferably because of something he said.

Even when she pretended not to find him funny, a snort here or a chuckle there was enough to make him giddy.

They were at a birthday celebration, another private party without the press and with cell phones and cameras forbidden. The band was ecstatic as they normally didn't get the opportunity to attend events like this very often. It was the same deal as the wedding so they felt perfectly comfortable letting loose. Since many of their friends were attending the bash, it was no surprise when the band split up in their separate ways once they arrived at the venue.

Feeling relaxed already, Jin had been on his way to find his own group of friends when he saw her across the room. Surrounded by girls of a similar age, some of whom he recognized, Chungha was not the center of attention. Anyone looking to her had a smile on their face that gave away just how charming they found her. Jin hoped he wasn't so obvious when he looked at her.

When he'd entered, he'd seen her already surrounded by these friends as she spared him a glance before looking a bit curious about the group he'd come with, his band. When she caught him staring at her, she just raised an eyebrow before someone patted her shoulder and distracted her. Jin was feeling a bit panicked about how their last encounter had left him. Set on not letting himself gravitate towards her in the fear of looking too interested, Jin was really letting himself down here by not moving on and going to his friends as he planned.

As Chungha watched him back just as intently, Jin nodded his head at the nearest drinks table before heading to it himself.

Sure enough, she went to join him but stood at the other side of the table with her back to him.

"Don't friends make eye contact?" Jin teased. "Speaking of friends, you’re not as alone as you seem to think you are. Your friends are clearly dying for you to come back to them." Chungha just gave him a strange look before turning her back again. "I'd miss your company too if I was them."

"Is that your way of saying you missed me?" Jin winced, realizing he'd slipped up. Clearly not noticing her victory, Chungha glanced to where her friends sat and moved behind a pillar as if to further disrupt their view of her. Jin raised an eyebrow.

"I don’t want them to ask me what we talked about or else I’ll have to talk about you for the rest of the night," she explained. Jin wondered if she knew just how much power she'd given him at that moment. Pulling her by her wrist gently, just enough to make her question her balance momentarily, Jin put his arms out as if worried she'd fall but turning them just enough that they were in direct view of her friends.

"Careful, Chungha-ssi," Jin said, trying not to let his teasing be evident in his tone as he feigned concern. When she looked up and realized what'd just happened, she looked ready to tell him off for purposely sabotaging her and subjecting her to a night of BTS gossip. She didn't seem seriously mad that he'd done it, just unhappy that she'd lost this specific exchange.

Her friends were going wild behind her. Even without sparing them a glance, he could just tell there were eyes on them as he bowed his head politely. He planned his escape while thinking about what a strange concept it was having fellow idols also consider his band to be more significant than others. Before he could even step away from her, he could hear the footsteps of about half a dozen girls approaching Chungha with intent. She would be stuck making up stories all night.

Jin had misinterpreted the footsteps. The half a dozen sets of footprints weren’t of her friends approaching, they were of his band making their way towards them. He turned around just in time to see them rush past him to get to Chungha, it’d been a long time since he’d ever seen them so eagerly bow their heads to someone.

Meanwhile, Chungha had never looked more overwhelmed.

“It’s so great to meet you,” Hoseok explained happily, clearly a bit starstruck at meeting his second favorite trainee from the show. Jin was doing his best not to panic, reminding himself that if he was exposed, he’d deserve it for trying to play hard to get. He’d met an artist he was a fan of and instead of admitting as much, he chose to play the cool guy. This was on him for doing such a bad job at lying about things.

Meanwhile, he knew he couldn’t get mad at the band because the boys weren’t trying to ruin him or his reputation. The boys specifically saw an opportunity to embarrass him in front of his favorite idol, and not the risk of embarrassing Jin while he was talking to a girl he was interested in. This meant as soon as they butted in, he knew he was doomed.

They all tripped over each other trying to greet her.

“We’re big fans,” Yoongi admitted casually, though with enough cool that Jin wondered if maybe the band would be decently respectable in this interaction. However, the flaw in his plan was believing any of the other boys would act as cool as Yoongi naturally did around strangers. “Between all of us, you were in each of our top ten picks in your show.”

Hobi butted in so quickly as if just to spite Yoongi. “

But

Jin and I had the most faith in you!” he announced. “Jin had actually picked you from the very first episode.” Jin went quiet and looked at the ground, knowing that Chungha’s gaze was on him even if he refused to check and see. 
Jin had claimed he'd ‘maybe seen an episode or two’ the last time they met. Hobi’s confession already exposed him for a fraud. Since Jin was silent, Hobi laughed in response.

“Ha-ha, I think he's starstruck," Hobi teased warmly. When Jin looked up, Chungha was busy looking at the rest of the band, clearly intimidated as she tried to whisper her thank yous and bow her head whenever someone said something nice. Between the six of the other boys, Jin could tell they were overwhelming her with their kindness, especially since he knew she was a fan of theirs as well. She looked so happy, but behind her blush, Jin could tell she was also at a loss for what to say.

Meanwhile, Hobi outright admitted to her at some point that he and Jin won out by betting that she would win. Chungha didn’t point out Jin’s lie at any point. She just continued to bow her head over and over as she answered anything his bandmates said, clearly a little overwhelmed and unsure of whether to be nervous or starstruck or simply embarrassed.

“Don’t crowd her,” Jin warned.

“If you want to get back to your friends, we understand,” Namjoon said finally, realizing Jin was right to try and get the band to back off. “We’ll just look for you later so Tae can get the autograph he’s trying to ask for.”

Jin didn’t even notice Tae was tripping up over Chungha behind them. He was without words during the entire scene, though he was very clearly excited. He also looked mortified about being called out, though Chungha didn’t seem to think anything of it.

Jin had almost forgotten Chungha had been Tae’s bias wrecker since the first episode.

The eldest hyung liked to consider that a sign that he’d

nearly

taught the maknae visual good taste. Nearly. He still chose someone else over her, and that wasn’t something Jin could excuse now that he’d met her. It was better for Jin that, in the long run, there was someone else to take all of Tae’s attention.

Jin could not date any of the boys’ biases after all. It was hard enough knowing Hobi liked her so much. He had to hope Hobi wouldn’t try to ask her out. Jin wouldn’t know what to do if he did. He wouldn’t know if that would be the time to mention he’d slept with her, or if that even mattered at all to Hobi, the way it did to Jin. It wasn’t that he thought that meant Hobi couldn’t have her. If he was being honest with himself, it was really just to say that he would ask Hobi not to pursue her.

He had to be honest with himself: it mattered because he liked her.

So when the boys flew off to their friends in their separate ways, it didn’t take long before Jin and Chungha were coincidentally getting drinks at the same table. In a familiar routine, Chungha was hiding from her previous conversationalists, a group that came to greet her just after the boys. Jin would have assumed they were her friends, but she clearly seemed afraid now to be seen by them. Before he even spoke up, she checked to see if they were watching. As Jin glanced over, he realized they were.

“They’re staring because of you,” she complained. “Now how am I supposed to leave?”

“They’re staring because it’s you,” Jin pointed out.

“What does that mean?” Chungha asked.

“I know that that wasn’t just false modesty, but I really wish it was,” he heard himself say before he could stop himself.

“What?”

“You don’t get what a big deal you are,” he admitted. She laughed suddenly and Jin realized what he’d just brought up by accident.

His lie.

He tried his best to change the subject. “Why are you afraid of them? They clearly want to be friends.”

“I’m not afraid,” Chungha said, with a tone in her voice that made Jin realize he was doomed. She sounded very, very confident all of a sudden. “I’m just here to talk to my biggest fan.”

“Was that fun for you when the boys were fanboying over you?” Jin asked, trying to distract her.

“I don’t know. It was fine. I just didn’t know what to say.” Chungha didn’t seem interested in making him blush though, she almost seemed more interested in just talking. Jin couldn’t believe it but he felt the same way. He just wanted to

talk

with her, even if they weren’t flirting. Even if it meant being serious. “Do you ever get bored of the fawning?”

“All the time.”

“I can’t imagine that. Seems like fun,” she mused.

“No. It’s exhausting and it makes people hard to get along with,” he explained flatly.

“Can’t relate,” Chungha confessed, her eyes skimming the other attendees as she spoke. “It feels like it must be nice having everyone talk to you like that,” Chungha said. Jin expected her tone to sound spiteful. Instead, there was just a hint of wonder in it that made him look at her. “We’re at different points in our careers, I guess.”

Jin got caught staring when she finally looked up at him as if she’d felt pressure in his gaze. He panicked.

“You know, you use language like an old woman,” he blurted out suddenly. For whatever reason, she liked this joke.

“I’m quite old for this industry’s standards,” she agreed. Jin winced because he didn’t mean it that way.

“You make a gorgeous elderly woman,” he joked instead.

“You called me out for fawning, didn’t you? When we first met,” she explained. “I was fawning, wasn’t I?” Jin shook his head, worried he’d made it sound like she was ever unpleasant. He was sure there wasn’t a single moment he’d spent with this woman where he wished he could be anywhere else that wasn’t with her.

“I called you out for knowing who I am,” he corrected. “That’s all.”

“Well, turns out you’re my biggest fan,” she teased. Jin realized now that he’d misread her tone. She seemed to find his jadedness amusing.

“You caught me,” Jin answered, not knowing what else to say or what else the night would hold. As he tried to figure it out, they ended up talking the rest of the night without really noticing. It was not even about anything important, just chit-chat.

He realized he really liked her because both her shyness and her confidence fuelled a lot of inner turmoil. One could never know when she was going to say something to come off as smooth or when she'd say something dorky.

As if reading his mind, she called him out for the same behavior allowed. She could tell that Jin was both shy but also acted in the most confident way he possibly could.

Yet Jin barely had time to worry about how she could see right through him. He was too distracted realizing he loved that she laughed at all his jokes. It was even more of a trainwreck because this had become much riskier than just meeting a girl who found him funny.

It was the one thing that could spell out his doom:

she

was funny.

She

made

him

laugh.

Jin was wrecked. When they were saying goodbye he finally asked Chungha if they could arrange a time to meet.

“Soon,” he’d added on at the end. She didn’t seem to know what to say at first. It was long enough that Jin nearly worried he had been too forward.

"Most people ask for a phone number," she pointed out in an ambivalent tone.

It was now or never in terms of using his confidence to his best ability, even if it meant risking a more embarrassing rejection if she chose to turn him away. He wanted to give this its best chance. He was willing to risk looking foolish.

"No, I think we've done a lot of talking. I just want to see you again," Jin admitted.

“Anything for a fan,” she replied with a cheeky smile.
 
Mid-to-Late 2017
“We’re doing it wrong,” Chungha announced distractedly as Jin finished cooking their dinner.
“Excuse me,” he replied, offended. “I have been making this soup for years, for picky eaters, parties, and even

celebrities

. If you don’t like it, then you’re wrong.” He crossed his arms, acting haughty to mask his disappointment. No one he’d ever been with had ever disliked his cooking before. How else was he supposed to charm a woman who could see right through him?

“I mean this dating thing,” she explained, looking a little frustrated.

“I-I thought you said we weren’t dating,” Jin pointed out, regretting how nervous he immediately got. If Chungha was afraid they were getting too close, he had to brace himself if she was about to ask for some distance. He’d done his best to ease her into the idea but he knew there was a risk that he’d pushed too far and made her uncomfortable.

However, it’d been six months of ending up in her apartment whenever possible just in order to meet. Jin hadn’t felt like this about anyone before. Even if it meant talking or if it meant something else, they were always so desperate to get together. He almost felt needy in the way that she could make or break his entire mood just with her availability as if seeing her cured every ail and as if his only fear was being without her.

This was the third day they’d spent together in a row. They slept together Thursday, slept in on Friday before leaving for a half-day of work. Then at night, Jin didn’t even go back home and instead met Chungha at her apartment where they’d spent the last two days.

Jin was cooking her Sunday dinner right now and he’d only just realized how many days it’s been since he saw the boys.

“I’m not saying that we are,” she explained nervously. She looked distraught.

“Look, Chungha, I know-” he said, gearing up to apologize.

“I’m not asking for a relationship, Jin. Please, please don’t worry,” she begged gently. “I know what we said when this started.” Just by her tone, Jin could tell exactly where her head was at. She clearly thought that Jin was

afraid

that she was asking for something serious. Jin had to stop himself from shouting about all the feelings he had for her, knowing that that didn’t necessarily mean that she wanted to be with him. “I’m just getting a bit confused.”

Jin was at a loss for words. Chungha just seemed to be getting more nervous by the second.

“Really, Jin,” she continued. “It’s not that serious. I don’t think I’m making a lot of sense.”

“What are you saying?”

“I just-” Chungha stopped herself as if to take a break and rethink her words. “We’re not acting like this isn’t a relationship.” She was being matter-of-fact with him, in a tone he didn’t recognize. It was like she was trying to talk him down from a different kind of panic than the type he was having. “We’re always together if we’re in the same city. We spend so much time together. My managers are worried, even your bandmates are suspicious. We’ll even miss practice to sleep together. This is our third day together in a row, Jin.” She looked exasperated and Jin didn’t even know how to help.

It was as though he was either being rejected or he was finally about to get to ask Chungha for what he’d secretly been wanting all along. Something real.

“This isn’t normal. This relationship is supposed to be open and I’m not even sure I’ve even flirted with someone other than you since we met-” Chungha complained before Jin cut her off.

“I haven’t seen anyone else in months,” he admitted flatly, wondering if he was being too honest. “I haven’t even tried.” He realized now that they never even talked about other people. Jin was usually pretty open in his hookups about the other affairs he was having. Without mentioning names, he’d talk about other experiences and talk them out with some girl who also seemed to want to put her own into perspective. The indifference between him and his other hookups tended to create a kind of bond that he couldn’t find anywhere else.

However, he had an entirely different, much stronger connection with Chungha. It was like the rest of the world ceased to exist around her. With her, it was like he didn’t think of other people or what other experiences were like because he only wanted to go back to his time with her.

“Jin, I think about you a lot,” Chungha admitted, genuinely looking afraid in front of Jin for the first time. Unlike what he’d come to expect of her, she was desperately unsure of herself. “I’m worried.” Jin finally came up to her, closing the space between them just to hug her tightly before pulling away to keep looking in her eyes.

“I know we said no strings when this all started,” Jin explained. “It’s just that I can’t seem to listen to myself. Keeping distance never really came to mind for me, Chungha. I’m never like this but I don’t think you understand just how much I think about you every day.” There were tears forming in her eyes, making him aware that his eyes were getting watery too. “I just think about how long it’ll be until I can come see you.”

“Me too,” Chungha admitted quietly, chuckling happily through tears. Not knowing anything else he could do other than to make her laugh, he put his forehead against hers and narrowed his eyes once she stared up into them.

“What would it take for me to convince you to be my girlfriend?” he asked. “I’m not above bribing you. Breakfast in bed?” Her favorite gesture. ”Ice cream?” Her favorite food. “A puppy?” Her favorite pet.

“You’re not getting me a puppy, Seokjin. Not when we’re just about to

start

dating.” She was right. He had to love her for always being the one with her head on straight. It allowed him to say whatever he felt in the moment.

“Fine. I have some demands, though.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her even closer.

“Oh?”

“Call me more?”

“I can arrange that,” she said, looking ready to kiss him. He put a finger on her lips to stop her.

“No deal until you tell me what you want,” he said, just being cheeky.

“Hmm?” she hummed, puzzled by the request as if she’d been too distracted to come up with anything witty. Jin loved having that effect on her. The little sounds she made were enchanting, even just the silly way she laughed when she was overwhelmed with giddiness.

“Nothing realistic,” she joked.

“Try me,” he said.

“I wish I could see you more.” Jin didn’t realize his face fell when she spoke, but he could immediately realize he’d messed up when he saw the fear on her face. He quickly tried to explain his upset.

“I know I haven’t been around much-” he started to apologize. She stopped him with a finger to his lips.

"That wasn't for you to get upset about."

"I don't want you to think I'm never going to be around."

"I

'm

never around. We're both busy. I'm not going to add more pressure, Jin. I've told you that."

"It's fair if you do think I'm too busy." She looked like she wanted to say something but she was biting her tongue. Jin didn’t like that, he loved how often she’d speak her mind.

"What?"

"You haven't really made any promises yet," Chungha pointed out. "Even if it's been six months of this, neither of us knew what it meant.” He realized she was right. She seemed desperate to get them on a happier note. “With how we’ve been spending all our free time together, your band got suspicious. Even my managers know I am sneaking out.

They've

gotten used to it. I want to, too. That’s all I meant."

"This means something to me,” Jin said finally, after giving her words some thought. “And if you don't mind making it real, then I'd be so happy to make any promises you want. Anything." She kissed him finally.

"I don't need promises. I just want you here when you can be," she said giddily.

"Nothing else?" She shrugged as she pulled away, giving his question consideration.

"And maybe some nachos. I'm starving," she teased.

They were admitting to having feelings for each other, making compromises, giving promises, but Chungha was perfectly willing to cut the tension with a comment about nachos. Jin had never been more in love with anyone until that moment, but he'd hold onto the words a little longer.

“I just cooked!”

“Did you cook nachos?”

“No.”

“Then I’m sure what you cooked will still go well with nachos,” she concluded warmly, making Jin chuckle. He just waited for her to finish ordering food before tugging on her hand until she came to lie down with him on the couch. As they fell into their routine of watching sappy movies that they both hated, because they were too comfortable to look for the remote, Jin kissed her head while she complained due to the protagonist couple’s unreasonable choices. The next time she spoke up, he expected it was going to be a call for rock, paper, scissors like they always played when the delivery man came and neither of them were in the mood to answer the door.

Instead, she had a request.

"Let’s not tell the band yet?" she asked hesitantly.

"We just became official after all," Jin joked.

"I hope you don’t mind. If you do-"

"Whatever makes you comfortable. I know it’s a lot." Jin didn’t mean to sound upset, but he’d apparently set her off again.

"That’s not what I mean-"

"I know with my band and all, it makes things so complicated, but I promise you I won’t let you feel any of the burden. I’ll take care of it all. You won't even notice."

"That’s not what I want. We’ll face problems together. This is official now. The real deal. We asked for strings attached, these are the strings. I don’t want to hear you ever call yourself a burden ever again." Jin sighed, clearly not cheered up by her words. She gently put her hands on his cheeks and turned him to her. "Hey! You don’t talk about my boyfriend like that."

In reaction, Jin kissed her.

"I loved hearing you call me that.” He grinned. She mirrored his smile. “Okay, we’ll wait to tell the boys. They won’t mind.” Though Jin didn’t want to worry Chungha further as the food delivery very luckily distract her the next second. Jin couldn’t help it as his thoughts rushed in his mind. He’d seen what Namjoon said about Yoongi hiding a girlfriend from the band. Considering how that secret got around, Jin wasn’t sure that the band would continue missing the signs after six months of this already.

As a protective measure, Jin finally told the boys he was seeing someone without telling them who.

As if Hoseok could read his mind, he stuck around after Jin’s confession while the others went their separate ways.

“So we know her,” Hobi prompted, clearly already guessing as to why there was so much secrecy. He didn’t sound curious or interrogative. He only seemed to know just how badly Jin needed to talk about it.

“She gets scared about the band’s power,” Jin said finally, after staring down at his hands for a few minutes because he couldn’t find the words.

“The boys will be nosy. You know how much they love snooping. If you’re both not sure about coming forward, then do it on your own time,” Hobi advised honestly. “Don’t get me wrong, it was sweet of you to tell us. I just don’t think you should worry about us or what we’ll think. Namjoon would say the same. The band just wants you happy.”

Jin smiled.

“Are you happy?” Hobi asked to confirm.

“I’ve never been this happy, Hobi.”

Leaving a pat on Jin’s back, Hobi went to join the others as Jin watched him go. As much as he wanted to believe him, Jin knew Hoseok was less right than he thought he was. Jin wouldn’t forget the talk he had with Namjoon. Whether it was his secret, Jungkook’s, or Yoongi’s, someone would cause a stir in the band. It was inevitable. The only real questions were when it would go down and who of the three would slip up first.
 
Flashback - Early to Mid 2018

Jin could do nothing but blame himself while Hoseok and Yoongi’s friendship deteriorated right before his eyes. Hoseok had told him once that it was okay to wait until he was ready to come out and talk about his relationship, but Jin should have known better than to assume that this was blanket advice.

Some part of Jin wanted to argue that he would’ve guessed Yoongi had told Hoseok of all people about his hidden relationship, but that small voice was drowned out by all of the loud fighting the band had to endure as the two best friends fought, ignoring both Jin and Namjoon’s pleas for them to stop.

Though he never could have guessed this outcome if he’d tried,
Jin regretted not having done something smarter, like warning Hobi about Yoongi's secret girlfriend. Jin was somewhat okay with the news because at least Namjoon had clued him in so he knew there was something being hidden, to begin with.

Hobi on the other hand?

Completely blindsided and walking around like a ghost whenever he wasn’t fighting with Yoongi and Sooyeon. Jin wished he'd had the sense to say something but he also supposed Yoongi would have gotten mad that the band was being nosy before he was ready to reveal his relationship.

Here Jin was, stuck watching Hobi struggle with the truth when he’d thought he would be okay with waiting to hear about the band’s girlfriends. He certainly was not prepared for the bombshell that was learning about Sooyeon after she’d been dating Yoongi for a year and a half.

Jin had given Yoongi his own choice set of words over the length of time. He could excuse a lot, but this felt like the band had done something to lose his trust when Jin knew he’d been the best hyung he could be to Yoongi. Yoongi made him feel like he’d failed him and Jin had to admit that as much as he wanted to blame himself, it was still on Yoongi for not saying something sooner about whatever disconnect they were having.

Yoongi insisted that Jin never did anything wrong but Jin didn’t believe him. It wasn’t too difficult to accept that he’d failed. They all knew he wasn’t a natural at taking care of others. He thought his learning curve had ended by now. Apparently, he’d been doing Yoongi wrong all along.

Though he was still mad at Yoongi, Jin asked Sooyeon if she would want to hang out sometime. Jin nearly tore Yoongi apart when he got suspicious that Jin was doing something to scare her away. After all these years, it was like Yoongi still expected him to turn back into a bully one day just for the sake of it. He’d known Sooyeon was going to ask Yoongi if he felt okay with her accepting the invitation, just like Jin had known to ask Chungha ahead of time. If Yoongi really thought he was hiding something, then he really had to think Jin would be foolish enough to be obvious about it.

It felt good snapping at Yoongi, taking out some of this aggression and reminding him who had been there for him all these years. Jin just wanted to give Sooyeon a chance. He didn’t deserve the heartbreak of seeing what his eldest dongsaeng really thought about him. He told Yoongi exactly that, how he didn’t deserve this.

Jin was doing his best not to think about how he’d left Yoongi in tears. He expressed gratitude to Jin for giving Sooyeon a chance, but the thank yous felt so empty now considering what Jin’d had to do just to be given the benefit of the doubt. Doing his best to smile at Sooyeon, it was occasionally easy to forget his troubles around her considering the way she smoothly filled the space whenever Jin was being too quiet.

While they waited in the display room of this particular fashion house, they were being brought tea that felt too fine for Jin’s changed taste buds, and the kind of macaroons that he vaguely remembered eating as a child. Sooyeon seemed perfectly at home, not particularly impressed with their surroundings or their sustenance as she smiled and waited for the attendants to return.

“I’m surprised they had macaroons instead of cookies,” Sooyeon said when their silence had gone on too long. Jin didn’t know where she was coming from with that statement considering how long he’d tuned out.

“Why surprised?”

“This is a very traditional brand. The fashion house is known for being very classic.”

“Were the macaroons not good?”

“I loved them,” she answered, though she’d only eaten one. Jin wondered if she was just being polite but he knew how their kind of people would get about diets. She was probably not allowed to eat many sweets, especially considering how small she was. As she stared at the plate full of treats, he realized his guess was probably not far off. She looked like she really wanted another one. “I’m so full from lunch I couldn’t have another one. Do you want another one though?”

Jin nodded his head when he figured she was trying to let him enjoy them since she couldn’t. She gestured for him to take one. Considering his sympathy at a record high, he took a macaroon and enjoyed it with purpose on her behalf. “These are great."

“I’m so happy you brought me here,” she said once she pried her eyes away from the treats. Jin just mirrored her smile, realizing this meant a lot more to Sooyeon than it did to him. While she’d been gracious from the start about one of the band members finally giving her a chance, Jin realized he’d done a good job picking out something for them to do.

Jin resisted a chuckle as he thought about the messages he’d had exchanged with Chungha on the matter.

Idk. We kinda did nothing for 6 months, tho. You’ll be fine.

We were sleeping together, we didn’t really need much to do.

See! You answered your own question.

….But that’s not relevant in this case.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

I’m not sleeping with Yoongi’s girlfriend. Your humor does not translate well through text!

Once Chungha proved to be no help since she seemed to have no ideas and resorted to humor as a show of support, Jin had been left to his own devices coming up with something for them to do.

It wasn’t long before something came to mind. In general, Jin felt really uncomfortable that one of the reasons the boys don't get along well with Sooyeon was her upbringing and social status. The daughter of one of Big Hit’s newest investors, her family had a lot of power and wealth, enough so that her last name was familiar to Jin for some reason or another.

The boys still harbored resentment with spoiled rich people, but Jin didn't like seeing them be so obvious about it. It made him uncomfortable. The longer they spent time together, the more Sooyeon just reminded Jin of his old self, when he was just doing his best not to offend people or flaunt his privilege but failing because of how he was raised. Money playing a supporting factor to why the band disliked Sooyeon so much made Jin worry that nothing had changed since they were trainees. It made him feel a little distant from them, so he felt bad thinking about how horrible she must have felt dealing with their obvious behavior.

Realizing he knew something that he would have enjoyed back then, Jin realized shopping was the best possible idea. While his family had access to private showings at certain fashion houses before, Jin’s options for shopping were expanded to virtually any fashion house. In a band where even Gucci would dress them for free, it was not going to be difficult to get Sooyeon in to see and shop from any collections she wanted.

And if he knew anything about what it was like to have been in Sooyeon’s place, it was that she would never have the gall to ask Yoongi to do something like this for her.

Though Jin offered to go to whichever ones she wanted, she’d only modestly asked for one. It was a pricey brand that even he avoided but it was clear that for Sooyeon this was more wish fulfillment than a shopping spree. He was happy to show her a good time, even if he was still mad at Yoongi for doubting him.

“I can’t believe I’m going to get to see their collection so early,” she mused quietly. Jin smiled. He realized this was where her fascination with the cookies was coming from. She was soaking in the experience. This was something normally only other idols would get to see. They were getting better treatment than any of the shop’s other clients would ever get. Sooyeon was well connected and rich but fame was fame. Fame mattered more to businesses like these.

They were there for her to shop, but it became clear after a few rounds that Sooyeon didn’t approve of the clothes being shown. While she did a great job of hiding it, Jin knew how to see through politeness and understand what people really meant behind it all. She clearly didn’t want Jin to know she was disappointed, but he could read it in her eyes when they lost their wonder.

Jin had to admit he was a little sad about it. Whatever expectations she’d had of this brand, they clearly didn’t meet the mark this season. He had to admit he agreed with her. What little he saw of the collection bored him. Not once did he even find anything worth mentioning to Chungha.

When their disappointed silence lasted too long while the attendants continued their showcase, Sooyeon started in on a story she clearly found very amusing. She was barely able to hold back giggles as she started.

“I feel sometimes like ever since Yoongi took me to a

mall

- have you been to one of those before Seokjin?” she paused and waited for his answer. He chuckled a bit. By this point, Jin had already admitted he grew up in a similar environment to Sooyeon’s so her question was justified.

“I had a lot of friends who didn’t have my kind of money before the band got together. Most of those type of culture shocks came to me at a younger age.”

“How was your first time at a mall?”

“I refused to touch anything,” he admitted quickly. Sooyeon smiled.

“I think I was like that too. I don’t know how Yoongi put up with me. I was too scared to touch the doors. I nearly screamed when I caught the smell coming from the food court. He looked ready to leave right then. I wouldn’t have blamed him either, it was our second date. We’d only met a week before. And yet, there I was complaining about

everything

.”

Jin got invested hearing her story, thinking that the memory actually sounded quite cute.

Sooyeon seemed to notice so she comfortably kept going. “Ever since we went through the stores, and I got myself some things at prices that didn’t make any sense to me, I’ve just been pickier about what I spend on.”

“Ahh,” Jin agreed with a sigh. He knew that feeling. Now that he’d been with the band so long, he was so much more selective with his spending even though they were all technically wealthier than before. “The longer you’re out of the bubble, the more the rest of the world makes better sense than ours.”

Sooyeon seemed to get an idea now that they’d wordlessly canceled on buying anything in the women’s collection being shown to them. “Is their men’s collection out yet?"

“Yeah. They have it here. Why?” Jin asked, wondering if it had something to do with Yoongi. Yoongi hated suit shopping and only ever wore what the stylists would tell him to wear. It would make sense for Sooyeon to just make the day about finding him something.

But Sooyeon took him by surprise.

“Yoongi said you hate the ties the stylist picked out for you. Let’s find you some ties.” Jin blinked.

“We don’t have to,” he assured her, not wanting her to spend her shopping day worrying over his pickiness.

“I’ll enjoy it. I love shopping in the men’s collection at stores. I buy clothes for my brother all the time and then end up keeping it for myself.” She seemed to notice the curious look on Jin’s face. She chuckled. “If I could wear suits every day, I would.”

“Yoongi probably wouldn’t hate that idea,” Jin joked. She chuckled and nodded like she knew Jin was right.

“I’d miss dresses too much for that. Still, I’m sure I can surprise him one day. Just to see what he says.”

“Make it a prank,” Jin suggested.

“Sure, any ideas?” She was much more open to the idea of a prank than he’d thought she’d be.

“If you know what kind of suit he’ll wear to an event, then wear a matching suit. He’ll be so confused!” She grinned. He could tell she was really thinking of doing it. “Jimin’s birthday is coming up. Do it then.”

Suddenly, Sooyeon went very quiet.

“Yoongi hasn’t mentioned it?” Jin asked cautiously. She nodded her head.

“He mentioned it. We didn’t know if I was supposed to come to that,” she explained finally.

Jin had nearly forgotten for a second how the rest of the band felt about her. She looked like she was hiding something but trying to be polite. If she was angry with them, he’d understand.

“Of course you are. You’re coming, right?” Jin insisted.

“I’d love to come if you’ll have me,” Sooyeon answered politely, clearly excited that she’d finally been invited.

Because he knew now that Sooyeon was a good person that was being treated terribly, Jin went to Chungha about finally introducing her to the band. He explained to her that he didn't want her to face what Sooyeon was facing.
After seeing what keeping a secret did, they stalled a bit still but did discuss the plan to introduce her sometime soon.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Flashback - Late 2018
It wouldn’t be long before the band had to leave. The US leg of their tour was about to start and Jin couldn't help being nervous. The tour would last two weeks and then it would be time for him and Chungha to come out with their news.Since Jin had been reminding them that he was seeing someone and that he planned on introducing them to the members one day, everyone would probably feel less blindsided by Chungha than they were by Sooyeon. So far, he'd told them that things weren't serious and he'd introduce them once things changed. As long as they didn't hear too much about how long this secret had been kept, they would probably be pretty accepting. Unlike Yoongi, he had warned them in advance that a surprise was on the horizon.Jin knew Yoongi would be upset if Chungha was introduced, only for the boys to embrace and adore her while they still treated Sooyeon so poorly so they agreed to wait a little bit. By the time they did confess though, Jin hoped the boys would overlook his delay in telling them. Still, he remembered Hobi’s reaction to Sooyeon and hoped that things would be better since he had revealed even more details about Chungha to Hobi ahead of time.Keeping the secret was getting harder and harder every day, but Jin wasn't sure he was ready for things to change.Truth be told, he couldn't stop thinking about how Sooyeon would react to the news of him seeing somebody. For some reason, he really wanted to believe something would come out of the announcement. Some sign that she felt their chemistry too.He knew it would never happen. He wasn’t delusional enough to think she'd care. They'd barely met a few times and only a couple of those times were one-on-one. There was just something about those moments that left Jin always thinking about her. She was so likeable and charming. They had so much in common considering their backgrounds. Jin swooned over his friend’s girlfriend. This little crush on Sooyeon felt like cheating, so he wasn't going to acknowledge it as anything real or significant. She was with Yoongi and he was with Chungha and that was how things were meant to be.Meanwhile, he had something to say to Chungha. Something he really knew that he meant despite all of the distractions. They were sat together on her couch looking through English phrase books as Chungha thought of more things he'd need to know how to say while he was away, as she spoke fluent English.Jin had an idea as he leaned in to whisper to her."How do you say 'saranghae' in English?" he asked, knowing the answer but setting up his announcement to her." I love you ," she answered his question automatically, clearly not realizing that was something that he should already know. She turned to him, a little startled at the intensity of his gaze, as if she worried she was missing something. Jin smiled a little."I love you too, Chungha," Jin responded warmly, waiting for her to understand. It was the first time he'd said the words to her, in any language. He'd known for months that he was in love but he was never quite sure when to tell her. It felt like it was now or never. Things were already so serious between them and he could tell she was waiting for him to say it first. Chungha was too nervous about the intensity of their relationship to initiate that kind of confession without being sure. Jin was always the risk taker between them.But it was time to say something because he was already thinking about a future. It felt like the right point in their relationship to really discuss what was next for them. She seemed to be in a good place for it since her career was going so well.Chungha was in tears when she finally understood. It clearly moved her as she kissed him and blubbered out her own confessions about how long she'd waited to admit it and how scared she was that maybe she was blowing things up in her head. Jin took every opportunity to spell out for her just how much she meant to him.Jin had been planning to bring Chungha to Jimin's birthday party shortly after they returned from the American tour.But then the boys returned and Jimin's girlfriend left him. Suddenly, after hearing about his breakup with Jeongyeon, the band demanded that no one in the group bring dates in order to be sensitive to Jimin's feelings. Jin could see right through their flimsy excuse to prevent Sooyeon from attending the party. Jin couldn't help wanting to defy that order, thinking that Yoongi would do the same and invite Sooyeon anyway.Shortly after he invited Chungha to come to the party regardless, he found out that Sooyeon had left Yoongi. Jin and Chungha quickly agreed that meant she shouldn't come. Jin had to support Yoongi the entire night like the rest of the band agreed to support Jimin since they actually liked Jeongyeon. If the boys managed to finally push Sooyeon out of their circle, Jin couldn't help wondering if Chungha even had a chance of surviving their discovery as he held a sobbing Yoongi tightly to his chest.As Jimin celebrated his birthday by attempting to drink the bar dry, Jin was hurriedly renting a hotel room so Yoongi could keep his grieving discreet. It had only been a day since their breakup, so Jin couldn’t blame the rapper for nearly collapsing into himself in public after being asked to put on a good face for the partygoers despite his loss. He couldn’t stop Yoongi from drinking the pain away during the first hour of the event, but he did manage to catch him just as the tears came.Jin ignored the messages in the group chat, intensely inquiring about where Yoongi and Jin had gone and why they weren’t there for any of the main spectacles at the party. He couldn’t believe Jimin’s breakup meant no girlfriends were allowed at the party but Yoongi’s breakup wasn’t excuse enough for them to believe Yoongi could sit this night out.When the questions became more trouble to ignore than they were worth, he cleaned up his bandmate and got him picture ready. Maybe not to Jin, but all that seemed to matter to others was that Yoongi smiled for pictures, like he hadn't just had his heart crushed.  
Flashback - Late 2018
Chungha and Jin were upset about having to put off revealing their relationship to the band, but Jin couldn't help grieving in another manner too. He could feel Sooyeon's absence although his interest in her had been very brief. It made him wonder what Yoongi was going through. It also had him holding on to Chungha a little tighter. He was even more afraid of losing her than he ever was before.From what he learned about Yoongi's breakup, what he could make out from Yoongi’s sobs on his shoulder during Jimin's birthday party, Sooyeon just walked out on Yoongi after he decided to cave to the boys wishes and revoke her invitation to the party.Yoongi was a complete mess. No one in the band had seen that breaking point coming and, once they all found out, no one knew what to say. Their tone changed after the party. They became more understanding of his absences and moodiness. Still, they didn't say anything directly, as if they'd lost the ability to offer condolences.Yoongi turned to Jin, only because Jin was the only one who wasn't hostile with Sooyeon. Namjoon eventually noticed Yoongi was only going to Jin for comfort. He was clearly hurt about it when he voiced this observation to Jin one night.Thinking that getting Yoongi to open up to the other boys would be helpful to him, Jin brought it up. "After you were there for him over his breakup, Namjoon would be there for you too.""I wouldn't trust him if he was the only option I had," was the only reply Jin got regarding that suggestion.At some point during Jin’s comforting of Yoongi, he admitted that he was dating someone and had been hiding it, even confessing that he was afraid of telling the band. It was good for Yoongi to understand why Jin sympathized so much. Yoongi wished him and his girlfriend the best of luck before drunkenly passing out on Jin's lap that night.Meanwhile, Jin couldn't help noticing some troubling habits forming. He wished he could take the credit for knowing Yoongi well enough to have noticed on his own, but Yoongi was very good at hiding these issues from the band. Jin could tell he was the only bandmate that noticed.What Jin had seen as a good thing, Yoongi spending more time with his friends outside the band, turned out to be less positive than Jin had believed. Yoongi’s friends had contacted Jin because of how frequently Yoongi would mention him positively during drunk rants about the rest of the band. At first, his friends were mostly concerned about the drinking. Usually, Yoongi was a good drinker but he didn't drink to deal with emotions. Lately, on the nights where Jin would sneak into his room, he could find empty bottles hidden everywhere.Eventually, the one-night stands started. Jin wouldn't consider this a concern if Yoongi's friends didn't make it abundantly clear how dangerous this behavior was for Yoongi's health. The man was sleeping around as if looking to fill some kind of void. Apparently, he was even complaining to his friends about disappointing encounters that left some kind of psychological wounds. Their insistence that he stop behaving this way eventually led to him keeping these affairs secret so no one would bother him anymore.Jin had to start asking where he was coming from every night that he returned home late. It only took one day until Yoongi started lying about meeting up with friends when Jin would get confirmation that that was a lie. By the look on his face, it had to be another semi-anonymous hook up. He always came home looking so hurt after those.It was time to face facts: Being home wasn't helping Yoongi, and neither was being around the band. Jin did what he had to do. Filing vacation days for Yoongi claiming that they were planning something together, Yoongi was surprised by a visit from Chanyeol one night when Jin knew the rest of the band would be away. This way, they couldn't interfere.Chanyeol was going to take Yoongi away somewhere far for a break. Jin began to push Yoongi to pack up and just go. Yoongi was hesitant until Jin finally took him by the shoulders and said what he needed to say.“Do you trust me, Yoongi? Please go. Heal with some friends around you," Jin explained the idea."I am with friends. I have the band. I have you guys right here," he answered stubbornly."No. Not with the friends that hurt you." Yoongi looked like he was ready to deny it. "I don’t think you’re completely comfortable with me, even if you won’t admit it. I don’t ever want you to get used to going to the people who hurt you for comfort even if you’re upset at them. You deserve better than that, and you deserve better than what we did.”Jin was the only one who ever took any responsibility on behalf of the band for what happened to Yoongi. Yoongi didn't need someone else to take the blame, not when he spoke like he knew what he had done wrong. He just seemed to need someone to confirm that it wasn't all on his shoulders.And with that, Yoongi acquiesced to the idea. Jin knew he'd done a good thing, even if the band couldn't forgive him for as long as Yoongi was gone on vacation.
Flashback - Early 2019
Right when Jin was ready to start thinking about introducing Chungha to the band again, she released another comeback. It was her best ever and it came out just in time for award season. While she wasn't invited to perform it on that many major award stages, her comeback stages kept her so busy there was no time for her to spend with Jin. Even though Jin told the band there was someone he wanted to introduce them to, he’d had to tell them all it was becoming impossible to schedule. Luckily, Jin got to sit through one of her performances at an award show the band was attending. It sweetened the deal that the boys spent the whole time whispering about how talented she was as he tried to cover up how he felt like he was beaming with pride.In that moment, Jin finally decided he needed to see Chungha in person to tell her how brilliant she was doing. A few days later, he decided to visit her apartment in the hopes of finding her there.Upon opening the door, he realized Chungha was not expecting visitors as this time due to all the debris blocking the entry. There were delivery boxes and random items thrown about like she was trying to organize and gave up halfway. Jin gently nudged some heels out of the way, wondering fondly if she just kicked them off on her way in.Bomi, her puppy, wasn't running around so he had to be out. Otherwise, by now Jin would have been mauled by a small but powerful dog that favored him over everyone else in Chungha's life. He would have heard the little thing running for the door by now.The dog's absence should have been a sign. Lately, he remembered Chungha mentioned she couldn't take care of Bomi herself and had to hire someone from time to time just from how busy she was.It really hurt Chungha to have to let that dog go even for a day at a time. She made a big deal about needing someone to be there when she came home. In a way, Jin just thought it was cute that she wanted that kind of companionship. It wasn't something he fully expected from someone so independent. He should have taken it for the sign it was: Chungha was getting lonely. It was occuring to him now that he could feel how maddening the silence in the apartment was to him just seconds after arriving. That thought made him a bit sad so he put it off for a bit, knowing that he wanted to look happy for her when they finally saw each other.Setting the bags of groceries that he'd brought on the kitchen counter, he was proud of the idea he'd had to come and cook his girlfriend some dinner. He planned to surprise her by getting there before she arrived home but the lights were on now, so someone had to be home."Chungha?" he called out to no reply for a few seconds. He started to wonder if she really wasn't home. Then, a hesitant and quiet reply came."Yes?" he heard her call back just barely."Chungha?" he asked, worried that she needed help with something. He looked for her in one of the spare rooms before trying another room and still not finding her. He finally entered the room to find Chungha had been standing in front of her closet where the room seemed to have been in a stage of sorting."What's wrong?" he asked, sad immediately just by looking at her."Nothing, I thought I was alone," she replied so quickly that he couldn't read her tone."Yeah, where's the dog?" She was frozen staring at him as she seemed to struggle with her own internal train of thought."I was hoping you wouldn't come any time soon," she said breathlessly. Jin couldn't help tensing up. "You didn't text me.""What?" It was so hard to see her going through so much. She looked too thin and pale, as though her team was making her take her figure and cosmetics too far. "They're working you too hard," he couldn't help remarking on the spot when he saw the bags under her eyes up close. The makeup on her face could barely hide how tired she was. She radiated beauty from afar but up close Jin could see just how weary she'd grown."I'm fine," she said quickly. Her tone was so hard to read. "I promise. I had a great day. I just need to be alone right no-""I told you those newer managers were going to drive you nuts," Jin remarked, sad to see her looking so weak. "I can't believe they'd do this.""No, Jin, I’m so happy right now," she claimed. Jin decided to pause his concern in favor of cheering her up. She looked ready to break."You looked so good out there, on the show last Friday," he said instead, grinning at her lovingly. He was smiling just for her sake. "Do you know how great you are? It's been so long since we've seen each other but i didn't know how to just text it to you. You owned that stage. I've never seen anything like it. People are comparing you to your sunbaes, Chungha." Chungha looked even more sick. "Aren't you proud?"I'm so proud," she answered weakly."Then why do you look so sad?""I just- I'm so happy, Jin, and i can't imagine losing any of this." The words hung in the air for a few long seconds as Jin tried to register her words."What?" Chungha didn't even seem to try to answer him or explain herself. It was like she was just continuing a tormented, terrified rant that was half in her head and half aloud."And I just can't stop imagining that- I can't stop imagining that something is going to go wrong." Chungha was heaving breaths in and out like it was the makings of a panic attack. Jin rubbed his hands down her arms before holding her wrists up as if trying to give her some stability. He would be her rock if she needed him to."What are you talking about?" Chungha wasn't really an anxious kind of person, nor was she one to ever get worked up. This had to be the stress talking. Suddenly, she was sobbing before Jin could even wrap his head around what was happening. "Chungha, what's wrong? Sweetie, you just have to tell me what's going on. You know i'll understand. I'll be here for you, whatever you need.""Please don't be so sweet. It'll only make this harder," she said quietly. "I wish things could be different."Jin chuckled, thinking she was joking. "What do you mean?" Chungha looked in his eyes and he could finally see how terrified she really was. It only took a few seconds for him to figure things out. "Wait, are you-""I'm so sorry." He finally realized this was confirmation. He knew what she was so upset about."Chungha, no. Please don't.""Jin, it's not you-""Come on, we're perfect together," he insisted."I know.""Then why are you doing this?" he demanded quietly. He couldn't stop himself from rushing to conclusions. "Is it because I'm too busy? I can find a way to make more time. I can ask the company for time off. We can make this work. Please, I know I've been too busy for you and I know you deserve someone who can always be there but-""It's not you, Jin. You're perfect. This is everything that I want-""Don't-""I just don't want this to be over.""What are you talking about?""I'm so happy. I'm getting everything that I want. Being on stage is so amazing and I've worked years for this. I put everything on the line to get this life. This is all I’ve ever wanted. It's made me so happy. I don't think I could give it up, but now people are asking questions.""What?""They look at my personal life. They snoop. They try to catch me in lies. It's been hard even when we weren't meeting up just to keep the secret. My managers get tense whenever I pick up the phone because they know I'm with somebody. I'm getting talks about what would happen if we ever got caught. There's so much on my shoulders, Jin. I'm all this company has. I'm their only soloist. If we're caught, I'm finished.""We won't get caught-""I love you. I love you so much. This has been the best year of my life not just because of my job but because of you. I know you are the love of my life. I know that."Jin couldn't believe he was admitting this to himself, but he knew she was right. If he knew half of what she was talking about, he would've made the choice to leave himself. He couldn't ask her to just ignore the signs that she needed to move on. He knew she deserved more than being forced to hide secrets like these. He owed her more than that."If we get caught, we're finished anyway. You'd have to leave me too." Through tears, Jin shook his head but he knew she was right. "What good would it do to stay together if it’s so easy for things to destroy both of us? The future we always talk about will be a major scandal waiting to happen forcing us to live in fear at best or it'll just be an unrealistic dream at worst." Jin nodded, knowing by the resolve in her voice that he couldn't fool her into delaying this inevitability.Namjoon was the only one home when Jin returned to their dorm. It didn't take long for him to break down. He admitted to thinking about a future. He admitted to thinking about marriage and all of the other things they'd talked about. About their plans to get engaged before he went away to his military assignment. What they'd do when he returned. What life would look like being two idols in love. How they could make it work. He told Namjoon about how being in this band meant he had to throw all of those ideas away if she meant anything to him. How loving her meant letting her go.How embarrassed he was that his best friends never got to meet the girl he loved."Don't worry about the others," Namjoon whispered as he nearly finished crying himself to sleep. "You don't need to tell them until you're ready. This is about you. Okay? You grieve however you need to. We'll always be here for you." Jin faintly nodded in acknowledgement before shutting his eyes and falling asleep on Namjoon's lap once his body gave out from exhaustion.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Early 2019

One month after Jin’s break up, the band was celebrating Hoseok’s birthday and doing their best to maintain enthusiasm despite the event having lost its novelty about two parties ago. This was the third birthday party the band was going through to celebrate. This was their favorite by far, but they were tired at this rate. Even Hoseok seemed too exhausted to care.

As they lazily laid around their living room floor with pillows thrown around to keep them comfortable, Jin was just happy Hoseok looked so relaxed with Yoongi at his side the whole night as the two of them seemed very happy together while drunk. It was like they mellowed each other out.

This was the first time they played Never Have I Ever in months. The last incident went terribly for Jin as he had to admit to some pretty personal details that he didn’t think the band needed to be made aware of. Particularly because moving forward they teased him about his confessions. It was the reason he so rarely wanted to play anymore.

It was Hoseok’s request, though, so Jin played along like a good sport.

As the game went on,
Jin recalled he also hated playing Never Have I Ever because it always descended into some strange conversations that left him knowing almost too much about the boys to be comfortable. The images often haunted and teased him in a way he didn’t understand. Since Hoseok had been so good to him lately, though, he agreed to play.

He hoped this game wouldn't come with heavy repercussions.

"Never have I ever used a sex toy," he announced shyly, running out of other ideas. He saw Tae, Hobi, and Yoongi drink. Jimin didn't drink but Tae was staring at him so furiously that suddenly everyone's eyes went on Jimin.
"Oh my god! It doesn't count, Tae," Jimin whined."Yes it does," Tae said knowingly."No, it doesn't.""What doesn't count?" Jin asked finally."It doesn't matter,” Jimin answered too quickly. “It doesn’t count so we won’t talk about it.”The most nosy duo of the group, Hoseok and Jin looked to each other very pointedly. Sparing a glance at Yoongi, Jin was a little distracted suddenly giggling at the sight of his eldest dongsaeng having tuned out with his eyes shut and his back relaxed flat on the floor just minutes after taking a shot.
Hoseok tried to get his attention again.
he dancer looked like he needed to know what the secret was as desperately as Jin did. They kept their mouths shut, though, knowing to wait for the right moment.

Later on in the night when they found themselves alone in the kitchen loading up more snacks for the group, Hoseok asked what they wanted to bet on while they guessed what it could be.

Jimin clearly wouldn’t tell them when they asked, but Jin knew how to find the answer for himself. Snooping on Jimin served the maknaes right. It would teach them a lesson about always sneaking into his room and going through his things. If there was a true motivation for Jin not looking for sex toys, it was the paranoia of the toys being found. Jin had some peculiar interests and he didn’t want to get exposed when he didn’t feel comfortable.

As Jimin helped Hoseok clean in the living room (a rouse to keep Jimin out of his room), Jin dug through the boxes in Jimin’s bathroom for anything that looked particularly well hidden.

Hearing Jimin enter the room made Jin’s heart stop. There was little penalty in being caught in there digging through his things, but he hoped Jimin would leave soon after just so that Jin would have a better chance of finding what he wanted. Hoseok bet a week’s worth of breakfast in bed and Jin was looking forward to winning that.

Seemingly, Jin waited too long to reveal himself, as Jimin clearly made himself cozy. Too cozy.

What tipped Jin off that he’d messed up terribly?

The subtle vibration that started in the silence of the room as he could hear the other boys make their way into their rooms and shut their doors, calling out their good nights while Jimin was already tucked away in this room having a private moment.

Jin had wished it was just a toothbrush or something, despite the fact that he was currently in the bathroom and could confirm that Jimin didn’t have his toothbrush with him. It was Jimin’s soft, drawn out moan that made Jin really panic as he realized the trouble he’d gotten himself into.

Hoseok had come up to him with the bet that the “non-toy” in question was something edible. Jin hated the crudeness of that suggestion, because he’d just figured it was just something that vibrates but wasn't a vibrator.

What a terrible way to find out he was right.

Though his body was certainly not understanding his misfortune as he felt his pants tighten while he tried to command himself to cover his ears. He didn’t. He just sat on the bathroom floor feeling limp as he let his body relax into waves of pleasure as he heard Jimin’s sweet moans and match his uneven breathing.

There were all kinds of images in his head that he didn't need.

Jin realized he was doomed because he definitely couldn't leave now, not without telling Jimin he heard him. He felt petrified, though his stillness only served to keep him from cutting his enjoyment as Jimin’s moans sounded like music to his ears. No matter how much he wanted to resist the arousal that came with hearing the teasing gasps and little sighs that Jimin was letting out, his body clearly had ideas of its own.

Something made him move, though it wasn’t in an attempt to get himself out of this situation.

Quietly finding a thin hand towel and some lotion, he ignored the voice in his head telling him not to do this. By the time he realized that this was probably wrong to do and that he really needed to reconsider, his pants were unbuttoned and his hand was over his mouth stifling the groan that came when the cold lotion touched his skin as he pumped his length quickly just to make the lotion warm up faster so he could kill the discomfort sooner.

This was messy and a little perverted but that wasn’t doing much to quell his goosebumps as he licked his lips and let out a shaky breath as Jimin’s moans soothed him and worked him up at the same time.

His mind was already working on a way to forget about this all later. He decided that this was all involuntary and inherently not his fault. That this was not a reflection on his character or his tastes. This was all just biology working against him with a perfectly natural reaction to explicit noises like the ones Jimin was making.

Besides, if Jimin came to the bathroom after and caught Jin with a  boner, then Jimin was going to think he liked listening to him, that it wasn’t just an unconscious reaction.

Jin reassured himself yet again this was completely not about him. He was just doing what he had to do. All he wanted was to just take care of the problem, whether or not he enjoyed it was just a matter of nature.

As soon as Jimin finished, Jin was just going to have to hide in the bathroom closet until Jimin was asleep. Maybe he’d have to claim to have come in to use the bathroom because he was out of toilet paper or something but Jimin was gullible and easy to lie to.

Jin felt a little guilty about that admission. He tried to pretend that he'd be able to forget by morning how many times Jimin went at it when he heard his dongsaeng finish early by accident from pushing himself too much. Unwilling to rush himself and ready to just get off to the memory of what he’d heard, he was glad he waited when he heard Jimin start up again after a break.

Jimin had an airy, high pitched moan that Jin was sure would haunt him or echo in dreams that he really hoped wouldn’t tease him at night with more ideas of how to pleasure his dongsaeng after this incident was over. Jimin’s voice was just so seductive in how smooth it was. His whines were sharp but so taunting, like they made him want to hear the true range of that voice and see what he could make it do.

It wasn’t uncommon for thoughts to come to mind about the attractiveness of his bandmates or for the occasional, much dirtier thought to occur to him. He’d lived his whole life thinking that was just normal, the kind of invasive thought to push away and never admit to. He was used to repressing unpleasant and confusing things like that.

Now, however, Jin gave in to the perverted thoughts as he told himself he just wanted to get this over with. He let these fantasies carry him. Finding himself leaning back on the cold tile wall as he raised his hips to meet his pumps as he found a sort of relief in letting go like this. He’d never felt anything like it before but indulging in what he wanted without letting himself feel ashamed about it in the moment was a kind of relief he didn’t know he needed so badly.

Jin was desperate over his own touch, sloppy from being so lost in his desire as he listened to his dongsaeng whine and moan deliciously from the next room. Jimin’s cute little struggle with whatever toy was torturing him was unlike anything Jin had ever heard before.

Going as rough on himself as he could into the thin hand towel, the warm grip was almost too accommodating to this cause. Jin wasn’t even sure how the simple lotion he’d found was helping this feel so real. He told himself he really just wanted this over with so he could go on saying he had nothing to do with this, so he didn’t think too hard about how shameless he was knowing just what he was pretending that warm, wet pumping was meant to play in his fantasy.

The deep vibrating sound like something was teasing him brutally only to release him before the cycle would repeat. The perfect moans had Jin in a trance where he didn’t even realize he’d slowed down in order to pace himself so he could enjoy this longer. Jin bit his lip in thought as Jimin’s moans were muffled, while he wondered what changed. Then he realized that, by the sloppy, wet noises coming out of Jimin, Jimin definitely had his fingers in his mouth to stifle his moans while he sucked on them.

That image was amazing. Jin hated how much that affected him, just the image of Jimin moaning over his sweet torture only to be muffled by his own fingers. Nervous now, he let anything but Jimin’s body come to mind. Suddenly, the younger man’s lips made themselves an exception as Jin found himself just imagining them stuffed with Jimin’s fingers to keep him from moaning too hard, wrapping around them tightly and sucking just loud enough that Jin could hear him so clearly through the door.

Shamelessly, he imagined how Jimin’s lips must have curved around his moans when they weren’t otherwise busy, then how his eyes would roll back during sex since he clearly seemed to be so sensitive.

Jin’s size would be too much for Jimin, that was certain. He had to imagine that Jimin was tight, considering how petite the man was. He wondered how he’d take someone his size. It would be heavier and more intense than this, for sure, as it wasn’t even clear whether Jimin had stuffed himself very much. Jin couldn’t believe this is what his dongsaeng sounded like one, maybe two fingers deep into his own tight hole, already struggling to keep quiet from how overwhelmed he was.

This was all just giving more weight to Jin’s fantasy. Jin let the idea of Jimin using his fingers to stretch himself out keep motivating him. After a few seconds of silence, there was a new loud and wet sound that he could tell wasn’t whatever toy Jimin was using to pump his length. It had to be the hand Jimin was using to work himself. Jimin was struggling against pressure that was making his voice strain. He had to be fitting in another finger.

“It won’t fit,” he whined in what sounded almost like a desperate, needy sob. “Too big.” Jin heard a squirting sound that he realized had to be a bottle of lube pouring without restraint. Jimin was making so much of a mess, Jin almost wanted the pleasure of scolding him for being so sloppy. The image of Jimin just slicked up and wet all over, even the idea of finding a way to clean him up that would torment and tease him, was making Jin run his tongue over his lips hungrily wondering how the younger man would react to his licks.

“Jiminie,” Jin sighed out, before quickly putting a hand to his mouth in surprise. He couldn’t believe he’d said his name aloud. Looking around for something to muffle himself, he pulled a hand towel close just in case he’d ever need to muffle another outburst like that. It was against his will, he told himself. Still fully in denial, he only stopped worrying when Jimin’s cries cut off the anxious train of thoughts coming to him.

“So big,” Jimin moaned out finally, once it seemed he’d managed to fit as many fingers in as he’d wanted. He sounded relieved, even happy, despite the little huffs suggesting that he was still adjusting to the size. Jin kept stroking himself as his body tensed and relaxed depending on how much pleasure and how much tension was raging in each limb. He was so paranoid that he’d get caught but those nerves were only making the fantasies stronger.

Stressed enough to hide his own moans but lost enough to stop censoring his thoughts, Jin had to muffle himself with the bunched up towel as Jimin continued speaking.

“Oh you’re so big,” Jimin cried.

Jin didn’t even stop himself from imagining his dongsaeng was talking to him.

“You don’t fit, baby,” Jimin whined, clearly lost in his own fantasy.

“I’ll make it fit,” Jin sighed out in a whisper. “Take it, Jiminie.”

Jimin let out a loud cry as he clearly started stretching himself out more as though he liked being impatient and pushing himself too hard. Jin wondered how many fingers he was using. From the sounds of it, Jimin was taking on as much as he could. He was being merciless while he was at it, forcing whines out of himself and making incoherent sounds. He mumbled about how big his partner was repeatedly, really drawing Jin in because of how it completed his own fantasy.

“So good,” Jimin whined before a short huff. “Oh, just like that.” Jin was close just listening to him moan that beautifully. Jimin gasped as the toy he was using sped up. It sounded almost punishing in its pace, like it was causing his blissed and unfiltered state. “I’m gonna come. Baby, wait. Wait-”

Jin wanted to be disappointed that he didn’t finish with Jimin, but he didn’t have time to lament it too long. As Jimin’s orgasm ended, Jin heard a click before the telltale vibration of the toy sped up. Jimin was letting the toy keep tormenting him after he finished.

“Oh. Oh god. Ohh,” he cried out, his voice strained. His whines became loud and desperate. “Please, baby, please - Wait.” His moans didn’t make it sound like his resistance was anything but playful. “Oh, it’s too much. I can’t- It’s so much.” Jimin’s light, airy moans turned into guttural, deep moans in tone that Jin so rarely heard from him as he struggled. “So good. It’s too much. Oh god, more. Please, baby-”

Jin wasn’t sure how much longer he could take. Just as Jimin let his second orgasm take over him with a long, desperate cry that Jin was sure at least one of Jimin’s neighbors had to have heard, Jimin’s desperate shaky breaths after practically coerced Jin’s orgasm to keep going as Jin came a little longer than he was meant to.

As Jimin continued to overstimulate himself even after his second orgasm, Jin felt like a man possessed as his hand practically started acting on its own accord. Between Jimin’s little noises and the warm grip of the moistened towel being used to emulate how wet and hot he imagined Jimin’s tight hole would be, Jin felt like he needed more. Listening as Jimin overstimulated himself, Jin could only think about having to more forward knowing his dongsaeng liked to torture himself with makeshift sex toys that would keep going even if he asked them to stop. He wondered if Jimin knew how kinky someone had to be to be into that kind of thing.

It only pushed Jin to try it himself as he kept pumping himself even when it was overwhelming, even when his moans were threatening to cry out. He was just working himself as quickly and as shamelessly as he could while biting down on his lip and not letting out a sound. He could feel tears working up in his eyes at his struggle to keep quiet and continue tormenting himself.

The tip of his length was leaking with more and more precum and making a mess on his lap as he imagined moaning into Jimin’s mouth instead and pumping into the younger man even when it became too overwhelming for Jin to handle. Even when Jimin’s hole proved too tight for him and regardless of whether it was too much. He just imagined being so intent on showing Jimin how good overstimulating could be with a partner who would be just big enough to reach all the right places.

Jin held back a moan at the thought of all the things he could teach his dongsaeng.

Just starting that train of thought on the basic idea of taking the time to ravage Jimin’s lips with bites and licks, the thought of Jimin’s lips distracted Jin as he lost where he was going with that fantasy when another one took its place at the forefront of his thoughts. The idea came to mind of Jin replacing his hand pumping away at his length with himself thrusting his hips into Jimin’s face to watch his younger bandmate suck him off.

At that image alone, Jin came again, having to shove the other towel bunched up over his mouth just to muffle his cry.

As soon as Seokjin crept past a sleeping, worn out Jimin on his way out of the room, Jin told himself he only did what he had to do. But he couldn’t sleep at night with his mind rushing over how much he’d enjoyed it. He could only calm himself when he chalked it up to feeling lonely. Perhaps his body was simply being desperate.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Flashback - Karaoke night

They were planning to send him early if he didn’t shape up. The trade wasn’t all bad, they said. This would mean that they would be giving him the acting career he’d always wanted when he returned. If he really was becoming so irrelevant to the band then perhaps he wouldn't be missed if the company decided to keep him in dramas since he was just another obstacle for the band. They'd find it easier to just keep him out. Supposedly, no one would care if they did that anyway. Jin had been abandoned by their fans.
 
Except Jin couldn't stand being separated from the boys. He wouldn't survive it. They were all he had now. He'd lost everything for this band.
 
The managers were saying that they were being hard on him because he was becoming irrelevant and they were afraid for his possible career options when he returns from his service while the rest of the band is away. They were setting goals for him that were too impossible to achieve. Jin was sure of it. This was unfair. He didn't want to leave, he wasn't ready to go. He couldn't understand where all this pressure was coming from unless-
 
Unless they just wanted him out of the band before the next comeback. The band was ready to make history but Jin would be left out of the picture and pulled from the boys' lives without them knowing.
 
Having no one else to turn to, Jin decided that night that he would go to his old roommate and tell him all about what was happening in the hopes that he would know what to do next. Jin wasn't entirely sure telling everyone in the band would do much more than start a feud between them and the company. The last thing Jin needed to do was cause conflict; they'd take him out for sure.
 
When Yoongi confessed to the hookup on the plane, it'd caught Jin off guard. All of the lessons from his father that Jin had repressed came to mind,remembering all of the thoughts he used to have about Yoongi that he'd had to push away. It was like something had broken inside him, something that used to help him make sense of things. If this hadn't happened, if he hadn't known, then he never would have had to face his own conflicted feelings.
 
This turmoil was Yoongi's fault. It was enough to keep him awake all night. It was enough to make him snap at one of his best friends. It was enough to turn the band against him. If only the managers could see him now, he was becoming the failure they were chalking him up to be.
 
One thing continued to linger on Jin's mind - Hoseok and Namjoon didn't look as surprised as they should have. In fact, as they so easily came to Yoongi's defense, it was like they'd already known all along. Perhaps, along with the maknaes, he was once again just another bandmate that Yoongi didn't think was worth trusting. That thought haunted him as he analyzed their history together. They'd been friends for years, so why did Namjoon and Hobi get to know Yoongi’s secret?
 
Jin was shaky and nervous. He had convinced himself his feelings for Yoongi in the past were normal when now he couldn't escape the fear that they weren't. He was on edge and jumpy as though he'd just been attacked.
 
Flashback - Days Later - Interview Day
 
Yelling at Yoongi had to be one of the most regrettable mistakes of his life. He just couldn't believe he'd dared talk to his friend like that. Between cooking Yoongi breakfast and taking those videos of the boys, Jin had hoped that he'd inch closer and closer to getting his friend back even if he didn't deserve him after everything. He was working hard to deserve it too, by taking all that time to discuss his questions with Namjoon about what he could or couldn't say.
 
When Yoongi forgave him, Jin didn't know what to do. He wanted nothing more than to embrace his friend and lament how poorly he felt being without him, but Jin didn't want to overwhelm him. Instead, he decided to help Yoongi to get closer to this girl he was taking an interest in.
 
Except, on meeting the girl face to face, Jin couldn't help that little voice in his head telling him that he wanted her to go away. There was something about the threat she played in his relationship with Yoongi that he couldn't deny was rooted in jealousy. Perhaps it was feeling left behind by the way that Yoongi had handled the Sooyeon situation. While Jin had his own feelings about Sooyeon, it didn't change how betrayed he felt over how Yoongi had kept a secret from them for a year and a half without a single hint of what was really happening with him. He'd held a long term relationship without telling any of his friends who she was or so much as letting them know that he was even seeing someone. He'd left them thinking they didn't mean anything to him when it came to his personal life.
 
But something was making it very clear in Jin's head that this new hesitation wasn't about Sooyeon. He just didn't want Yoongi getting close to this Naeun girl for whatever reason.
 
Trying his best to shake the idea to scare her away off, Jin did what was best for Yoongi as he listened to Naeun's words.
 
"That's all I had to say," she concluded telling Jin all about how Yoongi seemed sick earlier in the day. She seemed genuinely concerned. There was no hint of her desire to speak to them or to try and get closer to him. She just seemed to want someone to take care of Yoongi because she seemed worried over his health. Jin couldn't imagine what would have happened if he'd followed through and scared her away. Yoongi could use a good friend like her. She was so thoughtful to be going to his bandmates over this when she clearly knew very well that Jin could just dismiss her as a fan who wanted attention.
 
Agreeing to keep an eye out on Yoongi, Jin walked away from his first and only conversation with Naeun hating how flawless the interaction had been. Some strange part of him had hoped that she'd be imperfect in some way so that he could claim she wasn't any good for Yoongi. Instead, she proved she might be worthy of him. That left a bad taste in Jin's mouth.
 
There was some instinct in him telling him that he needed her and Yoongi to stay away from each other, as though she would threaten his relationship with Yoongi. As a friend, however, it was definitely strange to think a girl could come between them. Unless Jin's feelings were more than just platonic.
 
That wasn't something Jin was ready to wrap his head around. Being a good wingman to prove a point, Jin hurried after Naeun quickly calling out for her.
 
"Do you have Yoongi's number?" he asked.
 
"No," she said nervously, clearly not expecting to have been stopped on her way back. "Heechul is supposed to give it to me later, though."
 
"Good. Use it. Text him," Jin encouraged, hoping that she'd get the message. From the little talk that he'd had with Yoongi, he was left to believe Yoongi was interested in pursuing something with Naeun. If Jin was going to be a good friend to him, then it meant encouraging this girl to contact Yoongi.
 
Now he could understand why the band was having such a difficult time.
 
Turning to Namjoon later that day, he found the leader sulking after all that had occured when Jin told the other boys about Naeun. It was a bad call on his part, but he wasn’t going to take all of the responsibility for the ill way the boys all behaved.
 
"I handled that scene with Yoongi all wrong," Namjoon mused.
 
"I agree," Jin replied gently but honestly.
 
"Not just as a leader," Namjoon corrected. "As a friend. I never should have been so rude. I've messed up enough as far as he's concerned." Remembering an old talk of theirs where Namjoon had broken down to Jin over his friendship with Yoongi being in tatters, Jin simply walked over to Namjoon and slung an arm around his shoulders.
 
"Just do better next time. That's all you can do."
  
Present Day
 
Jin couldn't get the moment he and Yoongi spent together on the balcony off his mind. It was so easy to fall asleep in that moment and just get into that position where he and Yoongi drifted off with Yoongi's head in his lap. Even when he woke up, he wasn't in nearly enough of a rush to get Yoongi off of him. Meanwhile, Yoongi seemed overwhelmed by their proximity, in total contrast to Jin. Jin felt very whole in that moment in a way he didn't want to haunt him the way it did.
 
The next morning, Jin looked for Yoongi at Big Hit only to find out he had been sent away on an errand. Seeing Yoongi pass in what looked like his sweater, Jin had to follow just to get a few answers about last night. He wanted to ask if maybe Yoongi had felt what he was feeling and had a way to put it to words. Jin was confused and he needed someone else to have the answers.
 
Something....happened when Yoongi revealed his newly dyed silver hair. Jin had never really seen him that way before. Sure, Yoongi had looked good before, it wasn't that this was the only time Jin could say he'd found him attractive. There was just something about this timing. Jin was feeling how much Yoongi meant to him and it was becoming obvious there was something there worth exploring. Having it really thrown in his face how attractive he found Yoongi really did nothing but exacerbate the issue.
 
Except, this time Jin didn't experience it just as objectively observing attraction. No, this was active. He was attracted to Yoongi. This was a direct attraction. Leaving the situation as soon as he could, it was like the image of Yoongi's dark expression, silver hair, and Jin's sweater was rotting his brain with corrupted thoughts about his dongsaeng that he never thought he'd admit to himself.
 
Racing into a bathroom and locking the door behind him, Jin looked in the mirror. He was blushing. There was no denying it, it was plain on his face, up to the tips of his ears. His heart was racing the way he'd experienced before when he had a crush. It was all becoming very clear - he had feelings for his dongsaeng and it wasn't something he could ignore anymore.

A few hours later
 
Though it could be argued that Jin was doing something wrong, he didn’t see it that way. More than anything, he wanted to see incidents like this as something that just happened. In his eyes, this was an incident that was imposed on him against his will.

Whatever experience (he'd never call it pleasure) he got out of it was irrelevant because, to him, it wasn't something he asked for so he didn't have to take any responsibility for it.
 
At the very least, that was the only way to paint this scenario so that he didn't have to admit days like today reflected on him in any way. It wasn't something he liked, it was a cause-and-effect. Just like every time this happened in the past, it started as an accident and he considered the result merely an involuntary reaction.
 
It would have been impossible to guess what was coming to him as he entered the apartment. Even when he saw Taehyung's keys and wallet lying on the coffee table, he didn't think twice before assuming that his dongsaeng had merely forgotten them.
 
Jin was only home to have some time to himself, time away from the stress of training and socializing at Big Hit to get the managers back on his side. This wasn't about not taking work seriously. Jin was extremely dedicated to the initiative. In fact, he couldn't help thinking there was no one as burnt out by it as he was. However, these memories rushing at him were exhausting him and making him long for some alone time to sort his thoughts out.
 
Seeing Yoongi after the night they'd had  shook Jin. He had been wandering the headquarters in a daze, distracted to the point where he had to admit going home was just the best option.
 
Jin had been just about to sprawl across his mattress and hope that exhaustion would take over. He could benefit from a nap. At least, he didn't really know what else to do with himself when the boys weren't around.
 
However, a stir or some kind of thump coming from the next room startled him. Turning his head where he thought the sound had come from, he realized he was staring at the shared wall between his and Tae's rooms.
 
A small smile crept onto his face. If he was being honest with himself, he didn't feel like alone time would cure his mood either. What never failed to cheer him up, though, was time with the maknaes. He didn't even hesitate as he rushed to the hallway to check if Tae really was home.

The entire band was scheduled to be at the headquarters all day. They were meant to have separate, private rehearsals, but they always took that time seriously. He could only think of a few reasons Tae would come home early.
 
All he was really hoping was that Tae wasn't feeling sick.
 
Afraid that he’d wake Taehyung up if he was sleeping, Jin was about to open the door quietly and peek in to see if he was up.
 
Still not at the door yet, he heard a low, faint groan. He recognized it as Tae’s deep voice. Frowning to himself, he reached for the handle and tried to crack open the door as quietly as he could, certain that Tae must have fallen ill at some point in the day.
 
Jin felt so lucky the moment the door opened that he hadn’t pushed in. Hearing a familiar wet sound that reminded him entirely too much of when he first moved into the dorms with the band and didn’t know the rules of living with other people, Jin froze.
 
Grateful he hadn’t slammed the door back shut out of instinct, it took him everything not to make a sound as he quietly shut the door. Immediately, he prayed as he waited to see if Tae had noticed anyone had tried to come in.
 
Nothing happened.
 
At least, the embarrassed cries he expected to hear from Taehyung never came. Instead, a different noise gave him more information than he had asked for. The low moan he heard through the door didn’t just make it known that Tae didn’t notice his entrance. Worse, it painted a clear picture for Jin. Tae was still going at it.
 
The thought to leave didn’t even occur to Jin. In fact, the gears in his head weren’t really turning anymore. The instinct that should have been kicking in to save himself from this situation was completely failing him.
 
Jin was particularly skilled at running from his problems.
 
In most situations, it was all he knew how to do. Especially when something awkward was happening, he knew when it was time to cut his losses and just get away. If the “flight or flight” instinct he’d heard about before was real, then Jin knew he was definitely born without the fight part.
 
At the very least, his ability to escape or avoid any given situation was something he took more pride in than any sense of problem-solving skills. That was the kind of thing he felt the Namjoons of the world were much better suited to.
 
Right now, though, he was stuck. It was like static noise blared in his mind in an attempt to drown out the little voice in his head telling him that he needed to leave.
 
Or at least “static noise” was how he liked to refer to the stream of thought in hindsight. The words that came to mind informed a twisted perspective Jin didn’t want to admit to. He couldn’t own up to them, not when they so loudly insinuated he was exactly where he wanted to be.
 
Jin preferred to think these thoughts never occurred to him at all. He especially chose to believe that they never had power over him the way they clearly did.
 
Denial was all he had. If he admitted the idea of continuing to listen in kept him there for so long, then he had to admit he wanted to hear Tae pleasure himself even though he knew it was wrong.
 
These were his bandmates. He’d never violate their privacy like that if he could help it. So long as the dominant thought running through his mind was convincing him that he was simply frozen in place and not purposefully listening, then he could get away with a few extra seconds standing at the door. It was a good enough lie that he’d go without losing any sleep at night over whether he was doing something bad.
 
Maybe it only excused a few seconds but Jin learned so much in that short amount of time.

From what he could hear, Tae’s pace was brutal enough that he was struggling to maintain his speed. Jin could hear his gasps for breath were less out of pleasure and more out of exertion. He ignored the thought that crossed his mind about how much stamina Tae had to have to keep going like this.
 
It nearly pulled Jin out of his stupor to think of why he could  tell this much about what Tae was doing. Besides how vocal he was being, Tae had another major tell, painting a clear picture for Jin of the view hiding behind this door -
 
That obscene, wet noise that was becoming louder and louder as Tae rushed even more. Jin could hear every pump of Tae’s hand on his length. He didn’t know Tae had done but he couldn’t help filling in the blanks for himself, imagining he’d used a lot of lube. Maybe Tae knew he wanted to be this ruthless with himself and thought it would help.
 
The thought occurred to Jin that perhaps Tae was using a toy but he ruled that out the same way he ruled out the idea that anyone was in there with him. He wasn’t going to admit to it but....well, Jin knew what cues to look out for. He knew what the difference sounded like.
 
Even if he didn’t see a thing or could have missed another voice, Jin had no doubts that Tae was using his hands. He was at his own mercy. Jin knew the boys’ voices enough to be able to tell a lot of things. Even if this was his first time catching Tae pleasuring himself, he’d heard it enough times with some of the others to know what to look for.
 
That thought drowned itself out the moment it triggered worry in him. He was enjoying this too much to let guilt stand in the way. After all, his muscles were still too stiff to move, as if his body was playing along with his excuse that this was all about being petrified from shock.
 
Jin bit his lip when Tae slowed down to a stop and quietly tried to catch his breath. Jin didn’t know how Tae was holding on so long while going so fast, but he could tell Tae hadn’t finished. In fact, Tae sounded more frustrated than he was relieved when he started up again. He was struggling.
 
While he didn’t know what was wrong with Tae, Jin could tell by his quieter moans that Tae still wasn’t getting into it. That didn’t discourage Jin. Worse, that curiosity was distorting how long he thought he’d been there. He wasn’t sure he’d leave without at least knowing whether Tae would find whatever he was looking for. Jin was invested.
 
“Damn it,” Tae grumbled when the same pace still didn’t do much to bring him closer to the edge. That startled Jin back to his senses. Feeling like he’d been caught, he looked around only to see the hallway was as empty as it was before.
 
Although the guilt was making its way to the top of his mind, he heard Tae’s pace slowed. From what he could hear, Jin could only imagine Tae moved somehow. He heard the bed creak and heard Tae sigh when he settled again. Jin knew he had to have changed his position but that only made him want to know what Tae looked like now, how he was posed, whether he would make a good view.
 
Thoughts came to mind about what he knew about Tae’s body - filling in the blanks on the image in his head with whatever hints he had about Tae’s curves.
 
It was too much. That had been too real for him. The image was too clear - too vivid.
 
All of Jin’s instincts kicked in as he felt himself hurrying down the hall almost too quickly, even too loudly. He didn’t come back to his senses about trying not to get caught until he stopped the door from swinging closed behind him. Panicked, he did his best to shut the door without making a sound. He waited, knowing he’d been loud enough for Tae to hear.
 
His mind rushed with ideas of lies he could tell to cover up his mistake. Deciding he’d claim he only just arrived to the apartment and didn’t hear a thing, he waited for Tae to come to his door while doing his best to act natural.
 
Jin was quiet to check if he could hear any footsteps in the hallway. Tae’s door never opened. There were no footsteps outside. He sighed out in relief once he could really believe that no one was coming.
 
That didn’t solve all of his problems, but it solved one. He’d stayed with Tae too long, he realized as he breathed unevenly from trying to ignore how confining his pants now felt.
 
Jin knew it was a useless effort but he waited as though perhaps willing himself to calm down would get rid of the problem. Licking his lips, he denied the issue by telling himself it was just a tension that would fade. He assured himself that it was a perfectly natural reaction to the shock he’d just had.
 
Though he originally couldn’t hear him from his room, there was a moment where Tae’s voice became clear as day as he cried out loudly. His voice was different now, helpless and even a little surprised.
 
Then he just stopped all together. Jin was pretty sure he hadn’t finished, so he didn’t know what Tae was doing. However, that noise he’d just made was haunting Jin and echoing in his head. It was encouraging him to cross a line, to just give in and stop resisting. He knew exactly what would make him feel good right now, and he was the only one standing in the way.
 
In one last attempt at doing the right thing, Jin looked to the towel he’d used this morning to dry off after his shower. All he had to do was grab it and make it into the bathroom. Once he was there, some cold water would do the trick. He’d be able to pretend this never happened.
 
“Oh god,” Taehyung gasped out desperately. Jin couldn’t help immediately counting everything Tae’s voice was giving away. He was still touching himself, not quick enough for Jin to be able to hear, but moving his body just enough that Jin could hear Tae’s bed shift rhythmically.
 
Tae was then humming like he was trying to hold back a moan. The image was less clear for Jin but he was filling in the blanks the closer he got to their shared wall. He imagined Tae might have been thrusting into every seemingly slow pump of his hand, if he was moving the bed so much, but all he could really do was guess.
 
Guessing was more than enough for him, it seemed. As he licked his lips, he sighed shakily when he realized Tae must have found whatever motivation he was looking for. He was almost as clearly heard through the wall now as he had been through the door.
 
Taehyung definitely believed he was alone if he was willing to be so loud. Jin was sure if he went to the bathroom, he’d still be able to hear some of this.
 
Or, at least, telling himself that was making it easier to give in. If he couldn’t escape the situation or resist what his body was doing of its own accord, then there was nothing to feel guilty about if he was just looking to solve the problem so he could leave.
 
That was the plan: get off and leave before Tae ever found out he’d been home at all.
 
Jin was doing his best to act like he wasn’t thrilled. Trying to uphold the illusion that this wasn’t intentional, he took a seat on his bed after backing away from the wall. He tried not to think too hard about how it ran along the same wall as Taehyung’s own bed, putting Taehyung’s voice as close to his ear as possible.
 
“Shit,” Tae cursed as if he was trying to resist something. He sounded overwhelmed, even his breath was shaky. Then he was quiet again before he let out a few sharp gasps like he was struggling. It wasn’t the same kind of frustration that Tae had before. Jin couldn’t tell if it was pleasure or pain or both but the little whines that followed were what finally got Jin.
 
Tae was stretching himself out. Jin could just tell. He couldn’t explain what tipped him off since he’d never heard it before but Tae was whining desperately in a way Jin hadn’t heard whenever this had happened in the past.
 
Jin couldn’t unbutton his pants quickly enough, unable to help the desperate gasp he let out when he’d managed to pull them off just enough. He was shamelessly grateful he had a grip on his length before Taehyung stopped his tempting cries.
 
In his mind, he willed his dongsaeng to wait for him and let him get himself settled. He hastily reached for his side table drawer, only remembering he had to stay quiet right before he pulled it open.
 
Jin had to pray he’d been smart enough to have something ready in this drawer for this type of occasion. While Jin was prepared to jerk off dry and finish in his hand like an inexperienced teenager if he had to, this was something he wanted to make the best of. He wasn’t going to take for granted how perfect Taehyung sounded. His deep voice was giving way to these desperate, shaky mewls that were just loud enough that Jin could hear them clear as day.
 
Jin couldn’t tell if Tae was struggling because the adjustment to his fingers was difficult or if he was just desperate for more. Both idea were conjuring equally enticing images of Tae’s head firmly pushing back on his pillow, his face scrunching up and his lips swollen from biting them so hard back when he was trying to be quiet.
 
The image of his lips made Jin involve himself in that fantasy more than he’d normally allow. He imagined licking them, biting them, kissing them to silence his moans - or better yet giving him something to make him quiet. Something to keep that mouth busy.
 
His hand more violently thrashing in the drawer as he looked for anything that would help, Jin found a small bottle of lube and nearly exclaimed before getting a hold of himself and staying quiet. He got what he needed and put a hand over his mouth as he pumped his hand and spread the lube, choking back any noise that would expose him.
 
The cold lube set his nerves on edge but he was only more inconsolable as it warmed while his hand continued its work. By the time he tuned back in to Tae’s little performance, the whines had turned into desperate cries, some in words that Jin knew would haunt him far beyond today.
 
“Please,” Tae groaned out so desperately Jin almost doubted himself for a second and wondered if someone was with him. Whatever fantasy Taehyung was indulging in, he had to have an impressive amount of control to tease himself like this. “Oh, god. Please.”
 
Jin couldn’t even hear Tae touching himself or hear the bed moving. He could only think of one conclusion and that was that Tae was only letting himself get off on his fingers right now.
 
But if the bed wasn’t moving, that had to mean Tae wasn’t even moving. Jin nearly groaned just imagining Tae holding still with his fingers unmoving as he waited for whatever top in his fantasy to give him what he wanted. He figured the next thing Tae would do was move but instead he heard a loud, strained groan. Nothing moved, no sound came other than Tae’s whining starting up again.
 
Jin wasn’t sure he could handle the thought but he had to wonder if Tae had added another finger to stretch himself out. The same mixed noises came where Jin couldn’t tell if he was struggling against the stretch or welcoming it. Imagining Tae stretched to reach three fingers into himself, imagining just how vulnerable of a position that left him in, made Jin finally give in completely. He used what he knew about Tae to fill in the blanks, filling out his shape and his curves. As if he wasn’t absorbed enough already, Tae finally gave his answer to the question Jin had on his mind.
 
“Too big,” Tae whined. Just as Jin switched his fantasy to Tae struggling to make something fit, he was floored by another outburst. “So good.”
 
Tae was enjoying the pain. Jin heard him hiss before a cry was choked back. The younger man burst into loud moans as the bed start moving and Jin heard the wet sounds again. Tae was finally getting what he wanted.
 
“Thank you. Oh, baby,” he struggled to get the words out between his cries. Jin bit his lip when he heard the pet name. Tae sometimes called the band members ‘baby’ when he felt like casually joking. By extension, he’d called Jin baby in the past. Jin really didn’t need that kind of motivation.
 
Tae was brutal with himself. His pace was unforgiving, seemingly matching both the hand that pumped his length and the hand that was pounding into him as hard as Tae could get it to.

Tae was so vocal that Jin almost felt like he might as well have been narrating every move. Jin felt like he was in the room with him, watching him.
 
Hearing Tae put it all into words as he tortured himself only pushed Jin further to the edge as Tae would work himself up until he was close to release before stopping altogether. It wasn’t just the moans that got to him - it was the begging.
 
“Please let me come. Please. I’m so close,” Tae moaned quietly, barely loud enough for Jin to hear. Tae starting pumping himself close to the edge again only to stop just as he was about to finish. He whined loudly like someone was punishing him. “Please, please let me come. I’ll be good, I promise.”
 
That’s when Jin completed the fantasy, imagining himself between Tae’s legs and thrusting into his desperate, needy dongsaeng, acting indifferent to his pleas to see how much more he could take. He kept his hand tight because he wanted to imagine stretching out Tae’s hole at first, loosening him up while he squirmed from the pain and pleasure.
 
Jin never imagined this side of Tae, but if he had he never would have guessed this was what he was into. He liked getting tormented and pushed to his limits. He enjoyed some pain with his pleasure. He wanted to beg and get teased. He let his partner know how good he felt and how much he liked it.
 
The pleas began to come out in sobs as Tae pushed himself as far as he could go, sounding more and more like he couldn’t take it anymore. He sounded out of breath and weak as he edged himself again. It only took a few quick pumps before he started begging while continuing to stroke himself this time. Jin knew that Tae would finish soon. Jin planned to finish after hearing him come, but he never could have expected what really finished him off.
 
“Ah hyung,” Tae moaned out. “Just like that, hyung-ah. Please don’t stop, I’m so close-“
 
Jin bit his other hand to hide a moan that threatened to escape as he released into his hand unintentionally, whether from the shock or the turn-on. He couldn’t tell which and he wasn’t sure he’d ever know. As he came, he focused in on Tae’s loud moans as his dongsaeng unmistakably found his own release. It was like Tae had nothing more to say, moaning too unintelligibly to put anything to words.
 
Jin’s eyes shut as he listened and tried to hold back any of his own noises that threatened to give him away. He didn’t realize how worked up he had been until every muscle in his body melted into his bed after he finished.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Hello,I'm backkkkkkkk.I haven't forgotten about this story. Apologies, I graduated university and got very much swept up in the rush to get my life together afterwards. I'm dealing with a lot lately but writing a new chapter has been calming me down.I plan to update in the next few days. However, I'm dying for feedback. For those of you who have loyally read this story and followed it, I wanted to suggest that you join this fic's chat by clicking here. Additionally, go to my twitter here (@the1trueotaku). I'll be live posting the new chapter on the chat (and on a Twitter chat too) to try and get some feedback from y'all. Can't wait to get back to updating this fic.I'm sending you all love. I hope you're all doing well.
What was your favorite chapter so far? What are you looking forward to in Namjoon's POV? What do you think will happen?
Please appease me with feedback. I'm using the muse to keep me going to try and update this chapter tonight if possible. Humor me, I beg of you.Best,TheOneTrueOtaku

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Flashback - Fall 2010
This mysterious boy caused Namjoon anxiety from the very moment that they met. There are just some people in this world that one can tell will defy all expectations. To identify them, sometimes all it takes is a look. If someone can confuse a person in so little time as the duration of a short glance, chances are that person isn’t going to understand when details come to play.Such was the case with Min Yoongi.On sight, Namjoon was perplexed. The first thing he noticed was how much shorter than him Yoongi was. Namjoon couldn’t help thinking he was too short for an idol, but he gave Yoongi the benefit of the doubt in knowing that he still probably had years left to grow. Yoongi’s audition sticker proclaimed that he was 18, after all. Even if his face was deceptively younger looking, he still had a few years to grow, even if it was unlikely that it would change much.Already, Namjoon’s thoughts were taking a nosier, more skeptical turn than they usually did regarding the other boys auditioning. Namjoon takes in a couple of other details: the oversized hoodie that didn’t fit him right, hair that had been bent out of shape by the beanie he’d been wearing, dirty sneakers that looked worn out. Looking at his face too long, Namjoon could identify that at least in looks the boys wasn’t lacking. He had qualities that the company would want. Deep in thought evaluating Yoongi, Namjoon didn’t realize how long he’d been staring at his mouth. The perfectly-shaped doll-like lips on this boy’s face were a bit fascinating. They were the most idol-like part about him. Namjoon would describe the sight as blinding if his own fascination with another man’s lips didn’t terrify  him.Absorbed as Yoongi bit his lip, it took words to get Namjoon to look away after Yoongi licked his lips very deliberately, as if checking them. “Do I have something on my face?” Yoongi asked, speaking to him for the first time.Namjoon’s ghost left his body. “Yeah,” he lied. “It’s gone now.”“Thanks,” was all Yoongi muttered back, sounding sincere but distracted.Namjoon could understand that easily. Yoongi was about to fight the battle of his life. He was meant to do a rap battle against another talent being scouted by the company. Whoever won would become a trainee and work with Big Hit. The other would be rejected. Those stakes were so high, Namjoon wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle something like that this early in his training.It was Namjoon’s instinct to try and offer some advice to the seemingly nervous boy.“Don’t be nervous. Just let the music take over,” he suggested. Yoongi looked taken aback.“I don’t need any help, thanks,” he snapped back suddenly. Namjoon was startled. He didn’t imagine any version of events where his advice wasn’t taken well. He didn’t know what else to do except keep talking.“Of course you don’t,” Namjoon replied, trying to come off as receptive and instead sounding sarcastic. He flinched. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that-”“I have to concentrate,” Yoongi interrupted before Namjoon could continue bothering him. Namjoon could do nothing but sympathize. Yoongi was about to face another prospective trainee, Ikje. After meeting Ikje, Namjoon had made the active decision to stand on Yoongi’s side of the stage just to avoid Ikje. He just didn’t seem like the friendliest guy. Yoongi was coming off as a prickly person himself, but Namjoon knew he had everything to do with that.In the end, Yoongi lost the battle. The guilt hit Namjoon hard, especially as he personally believed Yoongi should have won after seeing him perform.  Yoongi lost the battle but the company picked him up anyway. As Namjoon wondered if this meant the grumpy boy would now be more involved in his life, he took the time to see things in Yoongi’s perspective. Yoongi was going up to try to prove himself to these judges, and Namjoon had decided to call him nervous right before he had to go on stage. Namjoon really didn’t put his best foot forward.Despite his instinct to avoid the subject of his own misstep, Namjoon decided soon after that he needed to make nice with Yoongi if they were meant to be effective bandmates. Besides, he really liked Yoongi’s style of rap. Namjoon didn’t want to waste time avoiding him, having only been at Big Hit a few months but already having a run of the place. Namjoon was so proficient in the experience of trainee life over just the short time that he had been there that he was even offering advice to the soon-to-be leader of the band, Hunchul. Hunchul was probably going to be leader because he was older than Namjoon. Namjoon didn't have any illusions that he deserved to be leader, even if he did seem to be adjusting better and even advising incoming wannabe trainees as they passed in and out of his and Hunchul’s lives.On the day Yoongi was meant to move in, Namjoon approached him to try and make peace. Yoongi was unpacking his belongings in the dorm room as he made himself at home.“Do you need help unpacking?” Namjoon asked, seeing this as an easy fix. Yoongi shook his head without turning to him.“No, thanks. I like my things to be sorted a very specific way.” His voice wasn’t bitter but it wasn’t pleasant either.Namjoon nodded though Yoongi wasn’t looking. “I can understand that. If you teach me how you want your clothes folded, I can do the folding for you.”Finally sparing Namjoon a glance, Yoongi looked very skeptical.Namjoon couldn’t help embarrassing himself. It was second nature. He blurted out the only supportive comment he could come up with. “I’m a really good folder.”What did that even mean?“I really don’t need any help,” Yoongi said, seeming to ignore Namjoon’s awkward statement.“I have nothing else to do,” Namjoon admitted. Then he wondered if guilt and reasoning would help. “You know, we’re going to be bandmates. Let me help you.”Yoongi was silent. “I’m really good at following specific instructions,” Namjoon embellished.Yoongi caved. “Fine.”Yoongi had very specific folding instructions. Each shirt took him seconds longer than a conventional method would, but he seemed to believe this was efficient. Namjoon did his best not to make a face when Yoongi finished explaining.Namjoon couldn’t help himself. Folding a shirt in the most efficient way he could think of before rolling it, he demonstrated the newly folded and rolled shirt to Yoongi. “You don’t want it like this?”Yoongi just stared for a second.“There’s not a lot of space in the drawers,” Namjoon explained. Yoongi just gently took the shirt back.“Hunchul is in the common room eating,” he said suddenly. “Maybe he needs company.”Namjoon panicked, wondering if he just made things worse. Now Yoongi wanted to get rid of him. “No. Sorry. I’ll do it the way you wanted. I promise.”“It’s really not a problem. I can do it myself,” Yoongi answered politely.“Please. Let me help,” Namjoon insisted.Yoongi agreed. Namjoon couldn’t help wondering if Yoongi probably realized it was better to let Namjoon help and then re-fold it later than to upset Namjoon and pay for that later. It’s what Namjoon would have done. Namjoon does as asked. They work in peaceful silence until Namjoon tries to start a conversation.“Why does everything have to get folded a certain way? Creases or something?”Yoongi clearly didn’t take it well but he seemed to mute his reaction before answering. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.” This made Namjoon feel stupid for even asking. In his embarrassment, he realized he did recognize the compulsion for things to be a specific way is something certain people have. Yoongi was pretty vehemently not approving of Namjoon trying to change his system. Namjoon wondered if Yoongi wanted things done in particular ways because of a kind of need rather than just a preference.Namjoon continued folding before trying again.“You know, I know everyone will tell you to take the bus to the nearest city center but the subway is faster and more secure because one of the bus drivers likes to skip that stop so you might end up farther away than you wanted,” he rambled off. “I’ll take my chances.”“Because you don’t like my advice?” Namjoon didn’t even mean to be confrontative. He just didn’t understand why Yoongi was like this.“No, dude, because the bus is cheaper and I’m broke.”“.....Oh.”Namjoon hated that he was upsetting Yoongi because Yoongi’s reveal seemed to cost him a lot of pride. Yoongi was getting agitated.Then Namjoon remembered Yoongi did a cover of one of his own Runch Randa songs for his audition. Namjoon blurted out the words before he could stop himself. “Thanks for choosing my song for your audition.”Yoongi just went “I didn’t really have a choice, we were given songs to pick from.”“Technically, I guess. You did choose though.”“Do you have any more advice for me, Kim Namjoon?”Namjoon was startled and couldn’t help himself-“I wouldn’t qualify what I said as advice, I was just-“Yoongi cut him off. “I’m going to qualify it as advice if I feel like it. Anything else?”Namjoon was quiet for a minute before nodding. “Yes.” Yoongi just raised his eyebrows and waited for him to continue. “My advice is don’t take me seriously. I’m just an idiot. A really, really awkward, sorry idiot.”In the most formal way possible, Namjoon just dipped his head and apologized before folding the shirt in his hand and getting up to leave.Just as he’s heading out the door, he turns back. “Can I buy you an ice cream?”Yoongi was surprised. Sincerely, he mumbled “They told me I need to diet.”Namjoon couldn’t help it. “Why?” Yoongi just gave him a look. “Nevermind. None of my business......I’ll buy you a salad?”Yoongi shook his head.Namjoon wouldn’t give up. “I’ll buy you a water. Like a really nice water. Fancy water.”Yoongi quietly considered it and finally answered with a request: “.....and pickled celery?” His eyes were wide. He looked so innocent in this light. He was so eager in this moment. Namjoon was grateful that the request was a cheap one. “All the celery you want.”If Yoongi really wasn’t joking about being broke, he was probably desperate for free food. Despite looking hesitant, Yoongi nods. ”Let’s go after I’m done folding. It might take a while.”Namjoon questioned his logic. “Why? I almost finished it all.”Yoongi just nervously replied “....I realized maybe I really should roll it if I want it all to fit.” Yoongi went to start doing that but Namjoon could tell he didn’t like doing it. Yoongi kept wanting to fold it the other way before stopping himself and messily rolling the clothes with an uncomfortable look on his face.“Want my help?” Namjoon offers. “No.” Yoongi tried it again and folded it wrong. “....Okay. Maybe.”Namjoon has an idea. “I know how we can do this.”“More advice?” Namjoon ignored Yoongi and folded a shirt the way Yoongi liked it before rolling it.That made Yoongi smile.Namjoon helped Yoongi fix everything. Meanwhile, Yoongi kept glancing over at him.Eventually, Namjoon finally asked “Is there something you wanna say?”Yoongi mumbled quietly. “I didn’t get nervous during the rap battle.”Namjoon sighed and nodded his head. “I was wrong to say that and I’m sorry.”Yoongi just nodded in reply, seemingly satisfied. “Are you the leader of the band?” he asked later.Namjoon shook his head before joking “What a relief, right?”Yoongi shrugged. He replied in the smallest voice, “You give good advice.”That approval made Namjoon happier than he could explain. It made Namjoon the happiest he’d ever been since meeting Yoongi.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Flashback - Late Fall 2010

Namjoon went his whole life never having a best friend. It was just one of those things he used to watch other people have and not really understand what their use was. Sure, he had friends. None of them ever measured up to what he expected of a best friend. He wanted a real partnership out of someone if they intended to be his best friend. He wanted them to try hard to live up to those expectations. They were supposed to measure up to his standards or else. Namjoon practically rigged the system to make it impossible to impress him.

So how he wound up meeting a boy who checked all the right boxes without even trying, it puzzled him to no end.

Yoongi was an enigma of the friendliest kind. He and Namjoon agreed on almost everything. They argued only to change each other’s minds on practically every subject. In the end, every conversation ended with them on the same page on all fronts. It was like being in the honeymoon phase with a friend, a level of affectionate, gushy pleasantness that Namjoon wanted to recoil from. The truth was living with Yoongi was like living in a state of bliss where Namjoon knew he would always have one person ready to take his side on any subject no matter what, right or wrong.

Did Namjoon finally find himself a best friend?

He was fascinated by Yoongi, blinded to his flaws and entranced by his good qualities. He could really imagine people idolizing Yoongi and looking up to him if he achieved fame. Namjoon himself already seemed to be feeling that influence. He wanted nothing more than to be more like Yoongi.

He also wanted nothing more than to protect him.

It took so much to convince Yoongi to come to Ikje's party.

While Namjoon wouldn't call it a feud, Yoongi and Ikje still had significant tension between them. Realistically, it all started when Ikje decided to express contempt for Yoongi's admittance to Big Hit's training program.

"The rules were whoever loses doesn't get in. What the hell happened?" he'd said one day in a space where he didn't realize Yoongi was listening. That’s where it all started. Once his thoughts were out in the air, it was like Ikje had less and less regrets expanding on his opinions.

As much as Ikje was probably to blame for starting the issue, Namjoon was doing his best not to take a side while supporting Yoongi.

This feud opened up a can of worms with Yoongi that Namjoon wasn't prepared for. Whatever baggage Yoongi was dragging into trainee life, it almost all came out over this chain of events. It was around this time that Namjoon had to learn a lot about Yoongi to stand by his side through the anxiety that Ikje's words were causing him.

Hearing everything from how Yoongi had to run away from home to chase this dream to how hopeless he could feel sometimes, Namjoon found a lot of depth in Yoongi's story that only made him admire the boy's resilience.

Getting Yoongi to attend Ikje’s party took a lot of work, but Namjoon has to remind him that getting invited to the party seemed to be Ikje’s attempt at a peace offering. It wasn’t nearly enough to excuse no apology, but Yoongi seemed to make an attempt to make peace by going.

Namjoon never expected Yoongi to be good at socializing but he’d also just never seen Yoongi drink.

From the moment Yoongi won the beer pitcher chugging contest at the very beginning of the night, he became the man of the hour at Ikje’s expense.

Soon, word was flying around about this impressive rapper who could freestyle for any girl who requested it and could outdrink any man that challenged him. Suddenly, Yoongi was a legend.

And Namjoon was soaking up the benefit of being his momentary sidekick.

Girls flocked to the two of them, curious about the rumors regarding trainee status and their prospective fame in the future.

There was one girl in particular that caught Namjoon’s interest. She smiled at him so long that Namjoon finally realized why she was staring - because he was staring.

Yoongi pulled him away before he could get too embarrassed, a little buzzed as he muttered out some words.

“We haven’t done any hanging out like we said we would at this party. I’m not being a good friend.” Yoongi’s pout was so cute Namjoon didn’t even know what to do. He just patted Yoongi’s shoulder before squeezing it to comfort him.

“I’m having a great time,” Namjoon insisted.

Yoongi shook his head. “No. From now on, I’m paying attention to you. Just you.”

Namjoon was blunt when he replied. “Every girl at this party is paying attention to you. Use it.”

“What about you, Joon?” Yoongi asked with wide eyes. Namjoon didn’t realize Yoongi was asking if Namjoon was paying attention to him too. He took it as Yoongi asking if any girls noticed him. He shrugged.

“There’s one girl who seemed to notice me actually. I messed it up, though,” he explained sadly.

Yoongi looked displeased but Namjoon assumed it was just a bitterness on his behalf. Suddenly, Yoongi seemed to be forcing himself into an active state. “Who? How do I help?”

Namjoon smiled. Yoongi was such a loyal, steady friend. Namjoon could only hope to deserve this treatment. He turned around and subtly pointed her out with a nod.

“She’s talking to her friend right now,” he said to help Yoongi identify her in the crowd. Yoongi looked a little forlorn. Some part of Namjoon was really eager to overexplain Yoongi’s strange behavior. He could only assume Yoongi found her attractive too but would leave it be for Namjoon’s sake. This made more sense to Namjoon than any alternative explanation for Yoongi’s behavior.

“Who’s her friend?” Yoongi mumbled. Namjoon can tell Yoongi was asking himself as he seemed to look-over the girl standing next to the one Namjoon wanted to talk to.

Suddenly, Namjoon realized this girl was staring back at him again, but he assumed it was because he started staring again. Turning to Yoongi quickly, Namjoon realized Yoongi gave him a sad look before moving in the girls’ direction intently.

Namjoon could only follow, blurting out questions about where they were going and what Yoongi’s plan was. Yoongi ignored him. He went straight for the girl’s friend.

The party’s energy must have given Yoongi the ego boost of a lifetime. Sure, it was no exageration that he’d become the center of attention and the one everyone wanted to talk to. Still, Namjoon couldn’t imagine how much had to have changed for Yoongi to do what he did next.

“Hey, do you want to dance?” he just asked smoothly to the girl’s friend as if he wasn’t the shy, timid poet-like hermit that Namjoon had fondly grown to see him as. It had to be the alcohol, right? Namjoon was so impressed that he was pretty sure he gasped. No one seemed to notice.

“Sure,” the girl answered after a shy giggle and a gesture for Yoongi to take her hand. Namjoon was pretty sure nothing like this had ever happened in Yoongi’s life but Yoongi looked unmoved as if girls wanted lined up to dance with him regularly. Namjoon couldn’t help thinking again about what a good celebrity Yoongi would be.

Yoongi was obviously doing this for Namjoon. Namjoon felt a bit guilty that deep down he could tell Yoongi would be bored with the girl and only entertain her until Namjoon got his chance.

Speaking of, now that he was left alone with the girl he’d been staring at, he didn’t quite know what to do. The girl’s continued staring at him almost like she didn’t notice her friend leaving her. He didn’t know what to say, but before he could apologize for staring, she interrupted.

“I’m so sorry for staring,” she said finally, looking away shyly and looking almost like she was blushing. Namjoon felt so validated in that moment. He’d thought all the staring was his fault. He did his best not to blush too.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he lied smoothly. He had absorbed some of Yoongi’s ego boost it seemed. It allowed him to speak without making a fool of himself. Before he could introduce himself, she had a confession to make.

“Ikje speaks a lot about you. He really admires you. I recognized you from his pictures, is all. I didn’t know how to say hi, but I figured I should,” she explained nervously. “It feels a little like I know you, is all.” She looked very embarrassed to be admitting all this. Truth be told, it made Namjoon feel a bit shy. He never knew Ikje had a good opinion of him, especially considering how close he was to Yoongi.

Namjoon knew he was a hard worker though. He really believed in his own talent. He was happy to know Ikje seemed to notice. The girl saying his name gave him goosebumps. Her voice was so pleasant to the ear. She had to be a singer of some sort.

“Namjoon, is it true you might be the main rapper?” she asked suddenly.

Namjoon normally would say he had no idea. After all, the company never made any promises about his position. They had no way of knowing who would come through their doors next. Promises couldn’t be kept if they tried, so they never bothered making any. For once, however, Namjoon just went with an answer that would make him look good.

“Yes.” As he tried to brag about what the company

had

promised him so far, she seemed so fascinated by what he had to say about it all. Especially the part about the company scouting rappers and using his songs for them to cover for their auditions. Her eagerness made Namjoon curious.

She seemed to notice that.

“Sorry I just love music so much. I used to be a trainee myself,” she explained.

“That makes sense.” Namjoon blurted out the words before his brain could even compute what a terribly awkward position the outburst would put him in. She turned to him with a confused look on her face, finally peeling her eyes away from the dance floor she stared at as if trying to find somewhere to focus her eyes. Namjoon had never sensed in conversation before the possibility that someone liked him, but this girl stared up at him like he was too bright to look at but too fascinating to look away. He was so flattered that there were no words to describe how he felt.

The strong gaze made it harder to explain himself. “I’m sorry- I- it’s just- You’re very pretty- I’m sorry.”

She just smiled, clearly flattered. “Why are you sorry? Thank you!”

Namjoon realized he really couldn’t have an awkward moment with this girl. She remedied almost every one of his blunders.

“Why aren’t you a trainee anymore?” he asked, changing the subject.

She shrugged. “I didn’t like all the rules,” she explained shortly. She really brushed it off, so he didn’t push for more details.

“Plus, the training is pretty grueling.” She nodded with an expression like she had some stories to tell.

“I’m a terrible dancer. It did not make it very easy. It was hard to keep up with the others, and that only made the socializing and the schmoozing harder.” He could tell she was very smart to know how much the social aspect of being a trainee influenced your success. The more the managers and instructors liked you, the better off you were. “Are you a good dancer?”

“No,” Namjoon answered flatly. “We don’t train in dance very much, though. We are going to be a hip hop group, not too much like an idol group.”

“Wow,” she stretched out the word in seemingly sincere fascination.

“But I’m the worst dancer you’ll ever see,” he joked finally.

She chuckled. “Not as long as I have a mirror.”

Namjoon snorted at that and immediately regretted the sound as it made the girl giggle in response. Suddenly, she reached for his hands. Tugging him out to the dance floor, Namjoon didn’t stop her but he did resist.

“What are you doing?” he asked finally as they stopped in a spacious spot on the dance floor.

“Dance off. Let’s go,” she announced just so that he could hear her over the loud music.

Namjoon was pretty sure he would hate taking this challenge but he turned out to be pleasantly surprised. For every silly flail of his arms or twist of his feet, she managed a move more ridiculous every time. She also managed to mimic his moves very well. She was doing such a good job mirroring whatever he did that Namjoon almost wondered how she was supposed to be a bad dancer if she could copy moves so well.

They danced badly together for ages. She made Namjoon laugh a few times as she tried to outdo his corniness or got too shy to do something shameless that he did. Namjoon felt like he could be there forever.

Just as she started staring at Namjoon weirdly again, captivated, Yoongi interrupted and pulled Namjoon away calling out “Namjoon, you’ve gotta see this!” Yoongi was pulling him away because Hunchul was trying to take 6 shots of liquor while hanging upside down and only just got to 4. Namjoon was so unsure about Hunchul’s ability to handle it that he was momentarily distracted as he got pulled away from the girl.

Later on, it occurred to Namjoon that being drunk with Yoongi at a party was such a strange experience for him because he didn’t expect for them to get so comfortable with each other.

There came a moment where Yoongi finally hit his drinking limit. Namjoon had to pull him into one of the side rooms where it was quieter.

Yoongi became so fascinated with their hands  being so close together. He eventually convinced Namjoon to hold his hand up against his to compare them in size. Namjoon knew his hands are bound to be larger, but they both became fascinated while comparing them. Then, they started laughing.

Drunk, Namjoon couldn’t help a slight dig at Yoongi’s height and how unexpected his hand size was. "Your hands aren't as small as your body, huh?"

Yoongi’s reply was immediate. "Suck a dick, Kim Namjoon."

They both cracked up on the spot. They were both so calm in this drunken stupor. It was peaceful enough that Yoongi fell asleep on Namjoon’s shoulder. Namjoon stayed still just so Yoongi could get some rest. Namjoon even started drifting off. He barely heard the room’s door open.

Someone tapped him on his shoulder to wake him up. He opened his eyes to see the girl from before smiling at him. Namjoon had thought he’d missed his chance with her, but here she was. 
"Come with me. You look like you need some air," she claimed.Namjoon tried his best not to move for Yoongi’s sake. "But my friend-"
Micha shook her head as if Namjoon was being silly. "He's just asleep. What's the worst that could happen?"

Namjoon couldn’t think of a good answer to her question, too drunk for second guessing. Namjoon left Yoongi to rest while he followed the girl out of the room and eventually out of the house. They stood by the front door and talked as people walked in and out of the home.

“My name is Micha,” she said. “Not that you asked.” It was a tease, but it made Namjoon feel guilty nonetheless. She waved off his apology and just smiled.

“Do you miss being a trainee?” Namjoon asked afterwards just to make conversation.

“No,” she admitted after a moment. “I don’t regret quitting. I do regret why I quit though.” It was a mysterious answer that only enticed Namjoon more to her story. She sighed wistfully. “I did it for love. I wish I could say I was just being young and stupid, but it was only a year ago.”

“Did something happen?” Namjoon asked, taking this note as an admission that she wasn’t looking to try anything new. He felt like his chances with her dropped to zero. He didn’t expect just how doomed he was though.

“No, we’re still together,” she explained. Namjoon did his best not to look disappointed. “He changed, though.” Namjoon shouldn’t have taken her words as if he still had a chance, but he did.

“I’m sorry if I upset you by asking,” he couldn’t help saying after the long silence that followed. She shook her head, looking confused.

“You didn’t.” Something inside crashed and broke, sounding like a pot or glass vase had just been broken inside. There was silence and then loudness. Namjoon faintly remembered leaving Yoongi inside when Micha interrupted his thoughts.

“Want to get out of here to somewhere quieter? There’s a diner at the end of the block,” she offered. He nervously agreed, ecstatic about spending more time with her. “Let’s get something to eat so I can sober up.” Namjoon briefly couldn’t help thinking how sober she’d seemed, but he supposed the drunkenness had everything to do with her blunt confession.

Namjoon walked away from the party to spend the entire night talking to Micha, without another thought for Yoongi the whole night. By the time he got home, it only hit him as he approached the dorm that he’d left Yoongi to sleep at Ikje’s home. He briefly started hoping that things turned out alright in the end.

When Namjoon gets home, there’s just a lot of commotion coming from the dorm room. From the sound of it, Hunchul is lecturing Ikje while Ikje is just vehemently apologizing.

It’s not until Ikje says “I’m so so sorry, Yoongi” that Namjoon starts

running

.

Namjoon walked into the dorm room to see Yoongi sitting there, completely tuned out from the chaos around him. There was marker all over Yoongi’s face in letters Namjoon couldn’t see clearly yet. At first, Namjoon was relieved that Yoongi didn’t look upset. Then, he read the expression on his face for the real quality it was portraying: numbness.

As Namjoon got closer, he could finally make out the words. They made him understand Yoongi’s severe reaction. With marker all over his face spelling out cruel words, Yoongi was just sitting there like he couldn’t tell two boys were standing yelling at each other just inches away from him.

Hunchul was demanding to know who played this prank on Yoongi. Ikje was insisting he has no idea who did it. Namjoon was just frozen in place.

“You’re telling me that someone else decided to write ‘loser’ and ‘failure’ all over his face and it’s not the one guy whose been harassing him for weeks over a stupid fucking rap battle?”

While saying this, Hunchul looks ready to murder Ikje, but Ikje is nearly in hysterics because he’s clearly horrified at Yoongi’s reaction. Namjoon can’t blame him because Yoongi is just.....sitting there. He’s just frozen in place while Hunchul tries to wipe the marker off of him.

Gradually, Namjoon feels just as out of touch with the real world while standing at the doorframe with his eyes on his best friend. Hunchul and Ikje both finally notice Namjoon and try to explain with contrasting narratives. Namjoon could do nothing but stare at the completely still boy before them.

Yoongi never moved except eventually to look at him.

In that gaze, Namjoon realized who Yoongi really blamed here: the last person he was with before he passed out.

Before Namjoon even had a chance to piece things together, Yoongi went back to disassociating from the situation. Namjoon finally came back to the present moment and tried to help Hunchul and Ikje.
While the three of them begged Yoongi to snap out of it, Namjoon decided in this moment he could never tell Yoongi where he was. Yoongi would never forgive him for abandoning him for some girl he’d just met.
Did Namjoon just lose that best friend he’d secretly been yearning for all his life?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Early Winter 2010
Weeks passed and Namjoon wasn’t sure he’d ever felt emptier. Things were quiet. Even with trainers, instructors, and Hunchul occupying the majority of his day, it was like the hours passed on empty and void of emotion.Namjoon only looked forward to classes that he had in common with Yoongi, for the sake of hearing his voice. As of a week ago, Yoongi started speaking normally again. He communicated with everyone except Hunchul, Ikje, and Namjoon. With them, he was silent and passive. Hunchul did his best to get a word out of Yoongi, but he didn’t ever succeed.Ikje admitted he found out which of his friends played the prank on Yoongi. However, even though it would help remedy things with Yoongi, Ikje explained that his friend was auditioning to train at Big Hit. He refused to sabotage his chances.Namjoon didn’t really hear from Yoongi at all. Yoongi just wouldn’t talk to him. It was almost like he knew what Namjoon did. While Namjoon was admittedly still talking to Micha, he knew it wasn’t going anywhere because Micha was still with her boyfriend. Truth be told, even if he had a chance, it wasn’t worth the loss he was facing now that Yoongi wasn’t speaking to him. Part of him only continued spending time with Micha because he needed the company.Namjoon missed his best friend.Things continued like this. On his way to see Micha, Namjoon got a call from a strange number.“Hello, is this Kim Namjoon?” a woman’s voice asked.“Who’s asking?” Namjoon replied. His mind went blank when he heard the word ‘hospital’, as he recognized the name of the institute as a local hospital on the other side of Gangnam. They didn’t make him wait long for answers.

“You were listed as the emergency contact for Min Yoongi,” the voice explained. “He’s been in an accident.” Those were the last words Namjoon fully registered as he rushed back into the nearest metro station. He listened as the nurse detailed the accident, but he could only make out a few key words. ‘Unconscious’ stood out the most, as it conjured an image of his friend lying helpless in his hospital bed, all alone in that patient's room.

There was good news upon his arrival.“You missed it. He’s woken up. He’s asleep again now, but he did wake up for a bit and talk with the nurses. The doctor will be in to see him soon,” a nurse informed Namjoon. He peeked inside the room and saw Yoongi lying there, hooked up to machines and a basic IV. Namjoon couldn’t see any blood but he was sure he’d be kidding himself if he believed getting closer would be anything other than horrifying.“He took a hard blow to his head on his fall. He wasn’t wearing a bike helmet, so he took the hit straight on.” Namjoon realized suddenly that Yoongi must have been on the bike that he used for his part time gig as a delivery boy. “If he doesn’t have a concussion, then the real worry is his arm.”"His arm?"It was as though the nurse realized she was scaring Namjoon. “You should go in to see him.”Getting closer was just as bad as Namjoon thought it was going to be. Worked up by the sight of blood, he couldn't help the build up of worry he had for his friend. His heart was sinking the longer he looked at him. Namjoon couldn’t help getting closer until he was standing right at Yoongi’s side. He got maybe a footstep too close and got his friend to wake up. A dazed Yoongi squinted up at him. At first, his expression demonstrated his confusion. Then, the passive anger took over. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m your emergency contact. They called me.” Namjoon didn’t know how else to answer him.

“I should have changed that,” Yoongi muttered to himself.

“Why am I your emergency contact? What about your parents?”

Namjoon’s genuinely curious. He doesn’t understand why Yoongi trusted him so much to begin with.“They wouldn’t come,” Yoongi said quietly, sounding sincere.Namjoon didn’t know how to react. As if on cue, a doctor came into the room. Yoongi immediately shooed Namjoon out. Namjoon wanted to argue against leaving, but he knew Yoongi had every reason not to trust him.Coming back into the room as the doctor left, Namjoon could tell the atmosphere changed. Yoongi looked terrified.“Is it a concussion?” Namjoon asked hurriedly. “Are you okay? Is there anything-““It’s my arm. It’s busted.”“The company will let you sit out training. For as long as you need-““Permanently, Namjoon. My shoulder is permanently busted. The doctor said there’s nothing he can do.” Namjoon’s heart broke for Yoongi before the tears even came. It was followed shortly by Yoongi’s voiced grievances.“They’re going to kick me out of the program,” Yoongi panicked, seemingly ready to hyperventilate or worse, disassociate. “My life is over.” Namjoon reached for tissues on the nearest counter, not knowing what else to do but fight fate.“They’ll never find out,” he proposed.“What?” Yoongi asked, confused enough to stop mourning.“We won’t tell them. We’ll hide it.”“What if they kick us out for lying?” Yoongi asked hesitantly.“I’m willing to take the risk,” Namjoon answered after a moment. “You’re going to be in that band, Yoongi. We just have to convince them nothing’s changed.”

It took them less than one month to get caught. Namjoon felt like the luckiest man alive when the company chose to forgive both of them. Yoongi was offered money for school so he could stop working, and Namjoon was commended for standing by Yoongi. Best of all, Yoongi trusted him again, and that was worth everything they’d been through.

However, Yoongi was meant to be a b-boy for the team, a special talent that had made him shine during auditions. The company felt a need to search for a dancer who could fill in that new gap. Big Hit began actively casting for dancers with the promise that anyone new would not be meant to replace Yoongi.Meanwhile, Namjoon focused on spoiling his best friend. Namjoon was the epitome of a perfect friend for weeks to make up for everything. He basically replaces Yoongi's shoulder by doing literally everything for him. He’s to the point of having to be stopped from trying to spoonfeed Yoongi his food just in an effort to be helpful.

In fact, he started writing Yoongi songs about their friendship. Namjoon performed Yoongi’s songs, said sweet things to him, and took care of him, all in an effort to make up for what he did. He could tell Yoongi felt vulnerable enough to give Namjoon a chance. As the company picked up more trainees, Yoongi wondered if they’re all going to make it to the final band. Namjoon promised he didn’t think the band would survive without him.In their time together, Namjoon started to learn about Yoongi and his anxiety and depression. He began to understand why the marker incident affected Yoongi so much and triggered him. He had everything to lose after putting all his faith in this company and this career. Just as Namjoon got Yoongi to open up more about his parents and his mental state, he had to pull away because he was getting a call.Micha had news for him.

“I left him, Namjoon,” she said soon after he answered. She sounded like she’d been crying. “I dumped my boyfriend.” Namjoon’s thoughts rushed as he took a glance back at Yoongi and made a decision.

“I’m on my way,” he answered Micha.

Upon returning home, Namjoon was conflicted. Micha told him she left her boyfriend because she had feelings for someone else. Namjoon was almost sure she meant him, but he needed to talk it out with someone. Heading to the dorm, it felt like Yoongi was the only one he could turn to. Then Yoongi looked up at him from his bed in the dorm room, his eyes alight and excited.“Hey, you’re back,” he called out.His eyes were so bright it was like stars were shining in them as he looked at Namjoon. Namjoon couldn’t imagine losing that the way he did for abandoning Yoongi at that party. He wouldn’t remind Yoongi of that, not for anything. He couldn’t tell Yoongi how he met Micha. He decided to bottle it up, looking down as he approached Yoongi. Yoongi just smiled warmly at him as if to try and cheer him up."You know, when I feel down, I remember that we're going to be best friends for the rest of our lives and the day brightens up,” Yoongi told him. Namjoon could only hope Yoongi was right about that.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Winter 2010

Namjoon feels....replaced.

As promised, the company ramped up on hiring a dancer to fill the hole Yoongi’s injury had left. That brought them a brand new trainee named Jung Hoseok, who had just left JYP to train with them. When Hoseok came into the picture, it was like Namjoon began fading from Yoongi's view.

Hoseok and Yoongi were a perfect match for each other, more so than Namjoon had thought of his own friendship with Yoongi. It was like Yoongi and Hoseok spoke their own language, had their little inside jokes, knew exactly what each other was saying at any given moment. It made Namjoon feel helpless to watch their bond grow with little he could do to stop it. When Namjoon thought harder about it, he could understand why this is happening. With all the time he was spending with his new girlfriend, there was so little time to be at Yoongi's side the way he used to be.

It was even worse that he couldn't answer Yoongi's questions about where he was all the time or why he disappeared at all. He was making it seem like he didn't trust Yoongi. Namjoon knew that was unfair.

With Hoseok, the jealousy was not even just in how much time they would spend together, Namjoon was also jealous of how well Hoseok understood Yoongi. Also, he was jealous of how loyal and dedicated Hoseok was to their friendship. Namjoon needed to be a better friend but it was like he just didn't have the time on his hands to compete.

Speaking of hands, Namjoon knew he wasn't the most affectionate of friends but he never knew how much that blindsided him when it came to seeing how Hoseok and Yoongi would interact. Namjoon always assumed Yoongi was on the same page about personal space, but here he was: snuggling half-asleep with Hoseok while they waited for Hoseok’s breakdancing instructor to arrive. Though Yoongi couldn’t fully take the class, Big Hit agreed to let him sit in on classes in case he had any advice to give Hoseok while he tried to learn to fill Yoongi’s role.

To be honest, Namjoon always thought Hoseok and Yoongi’s level of physical affection was overdoing it but he knew that had to be the jealousy talking. He was sure whatever they were doing was normal for them.

Even if they had only met weeks ago. It was fine. Namjoon was

fine

.

"I need to start working out. These classes are killing me," he overheard Hoseok say.

"If you think it'll help," he heard Yoongi mumble back.

"I've been out of shape anyway." Namjoon could only guess Hoseok had been pinched when he let out a quiet whine. "What was that for?"

"Don't talk about my Hobi like that," Yoongi replied. Namjoon instantly regretted listening in as he felt himself gag a bit in the back of his throat. He was almost afraid he'd made a noise and reminded them that he was sitting right there.

As though they couldn’t hear a thing from the outside world, the two of them continued coexisting as Namjoon quickly fleed the room. He didn’t know what was coming over him, all he knew was he needed to sit somewhere quiet and write, maybe something angry, something about Yoongi-stealing pretty boys who arrived too soon to be meddling in other people’s friendships.

Instead, once he had pen on paper, Yoongi was really all he could think about.

Within a few hours, he had a song written that he could live with. Rereading it now that he was out of the haze that was his songwriter mode, the lyrics leaned the song more into a romantic standing than Namjoon had intended it but he didn’t really let himself judge the material. He wasn’t in the habit of doing so. Usually he didn’t face any consequences for what his songs would insinuate.

Namjoon never regretted abandoning his work the way he did when he returned from the bathroom to find Yoongi holding his new song.

It felt like Namjoon's whole world was shaken. It was as though there was something shameful to the nature of having written his friend this song, just for the sheer chance insinuation that the song was in any way romantic.

The more the thought spiraled in Namjoon's head before he could stop Yoongi, the more he came to the realization that he had something to hide here. There was something worth being ashamed of here that he was too afraid to admit to.

"What are you doing?" he finally spat out at Yoongi, hoping that aggression would be enough to push his friend out of the room.

Yoongi didn't flinch. He was smiling in Namjoon's face as he turned around with the song in his hands.

"Namjoon's in love," Yoongi whispered happily as if announcing to a crowd that wasn't there.

Namjoon was immediately disarmed. He didn't expect Yoongi to tease him about it. At the very least, Yoongi didn't seem to be under the impression that the song was about him at all. That was a small relief to a visibly tense Namjoon.

Namjoon thought of Micha, only in the capacity of how she could get him out of this situation.

"So what if I am?" Namjoon replied.

Yoongi seemed startled but eager about this answer. "What? Really?"

Namjoon nodded, getting ready to deliver a lengthy overexplanation about his new relationship. Just as he was about to deliver his little speech, he was surprised to notice Yoongi was blushing.

"Okay," Yoongi squeaked out, looking super pleased with himself. Seemingly satisfied with his answer, he started rushing out the door. Namjoon watched him go only to see him rush back. "Sorry, I was supposed to ask if you wanted to come out to dinner with the guys. Some new guy is paying." Yoongi was still blushing.

"Sure?" Namjoon answered, the reply coming out as more of a question. He couldn't understand why Yoongi was so ecstatic.

Yoongi was all drinks and giggles during dinner. Even Hoseok seemed a little confused, though he eagerly played along as Namjoon watched the two of them banter across the table. Yoongi would occasionally stare back at Namjoon but Namjoon could only think it was about the ‘secret’ he’d just revealed.

Knowing he was going to owe Yoongi an explanation at some point or another, Namjoon spent most of the night convincing Micha to come over and make a quick appearance. She wasn’t having it, claiming it was too last minute a call. However, this was Namjoon’s best chance to introduce her to Yoongi since they normally didn’t leave the company dorms together anymore.

It was a risk to introduce Micha to Yoongi, but he knew he could trust Yoongi more than anyone at this table. Besides, once Yoongi knew about the relationship, he’d be able to help Namjoon hide the secret. Maybe this would make them feel closer again.

In one quick whisper, Namjoon and Yoongi were walking out of the restaurant alone and walking into the alley, Yoongi giggly after having taken Namjoon's hand to follow his lead.

"What are we doing?" Yoongi asked giddily as he followed Namjoon blindly into the alley. As they turned the corner into the back alley of the liquor store next door, Namjoon waved his arms in the direction of a girl standing there waiting. Namjoon ignored how disappointed she looked upon seeing Yoongi.

"Yoongi, this is Micha," Namjoon said. "She's my girlfriend." The explanation was spat out pretty quickly but he knew they really didn't have a lot of time.

In the silence that followed, Micha began to interrupt with what he could sense was a complaint.

"I thought you were introducing me to a new friend, not-"

"Namjoon, I don't feel so good," Yoongi said suddenly, sounding sick. Before Namjoon could react, Yoongi was throwing up on the floor near immediately as if he couldn't handle all of the drinking he'd done inside. Micha cried out loudly and fled the scene covering her mouth as if disgusted.

Namjoon didn't know what else to feel except ashamed....of Yoongi. Truthfully, all that came over him was the sense that he never should have invited Micha over in the first place if Yoongi was just going to embarrass him like this.

Luckily, instinct kicked in and he began to take care of Yoongi once he was done throwing up, hurriedly walking him over to the restaurant so he could get Hoseok to come help carry him home.

Yoongi looked a bit betrayed. Namjoon couldn't figure out why. He said yes regardless, earning him a hug from Namjoon that seemed to settle him back down again. Namjoon took a second to let Micha know Yoongi agreed to keep her a secret.

Her only reply?

I thought Yoongi could handle his drinks at the party. What the hell happened today?

Rather than defending Yoongi, Namjoon texted back the only thing he could think to say. I'm so, so sorry about him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Mid-Spring, 2011 - A few months later

Namjoon knew he was being quiet in the days that followed his breakup with Micha, but he never expected anyone to notice. Sure, he was heartbroken. In fact, he was the most crushed he'd ever been. He fell to a new kind of low and found himself drowning in shame at all times as if anything good was just a distraction from a grim reality.

He couldn't tell if he was being dramatic or if he was being honest with himself in grieving this way over a relationship that truthfully hadn't made him happy in months. He just hadn't expected things to end just as horribly as they did.

What he really didn't expect, though, was for anyone to notice.

It had barely been two days now and Yoongi was already at his side, poking him awake from his self-pity napping.

"Joonie," Yoongi cooed at his sleepy form, with a nickname Namjoon normally protested but quite liked the sound of right now. Yoongi's voice was so soft. It was comforting him just to hear it so soon after waking.

"Is something wrong?" Namjoon asked immediately, his instinct as a natural-born leader with every expectation of being needed for some emergency at any given second.

"I'm sorry I'm waking you up. I'm just heading to my aunt's tomorrow and then I won't see you for a while. This is the only time we have to talk," Yoongi explained.

"Talk?" Namjoon asked, confused. Considering the way it became harder for him and Yoongi to really talk with Hoseok and Micha in the way, Namjoon didn't know what Yoongi was on about yet.

"What's bothering you?" Yoongi asked without beating around the bush.

"Right now? He stands at about 5'7", weighs about 130 pounds, and is too damn nosy for his own good-" Namjoon began to joke. Yoongi giggled but his expression turned serious quickly as he shushed Namjoon.

"I'm serious. Also, I'm 5'9" and-"(edited)

"Could have fooled me-" Namjoon joked again.

"I mean it! I'm serious. What's on your mind, Joonie? We haven't hung out in ages. I haven't gotten any stupid math memes from you in weeks. You're not eating. I haven't had to sneak Micha here in days-"

If the groan that came out of Namjoon, one like he was being punched, didn't give him away, he was still sure that Yoongi would have figured it out at this moment on his own. "Oh buddy, tell me I'm wrong," he said, his voice sounding pitiful.

"Don't start feeling sorry for me. You didn't even like her," Namjoon admitted to knowing Yoongi's true feelings there but he did so without contempt. It felt almost like Yoongi had been right all along about her. He'd seen the hesitance his (still) best friend would have whenever she was around. There was mutual boredom between the two of them that Namjoon never quite knew how to resolve on either side. While Yoongi never had an admitted reason not to like Micha, part of Namjoon could just tell he had a good one.

Yet again, it was seeming as though Yoongi was right about an opinion he never even voiced.

"I never said that."

"You never had to."

"I was rooting for you guys-" Yoongi started in a sad and defensive tone as though Namjoon had caught him in an uncomfortable place. Confused, Namjoon shook his head. He wasn't saying these words with any sort of contempt or displeasure, so he couldn't tell what was getting Yoongi so worked up.

"I'm not mad at you," Namjoon explained cautiously. "Really. It's fine. You didn't have to like her. She....didn't like you either."

For whatever reason, that cheered Yoongi up even though Namjoon personally regretted saying it at all. Yoongi seemed perfectly keen on the idea of being disliked.

Sighing out and shaking off his building confusion, Namjoon pulled his blanket up higher over his chest. He was feeling shy all of a sudden. "I'm being ridiculous, I know."

"About what?"

"I don't know. I'm moping. You said it yourself."

"You're allowed to mope over something like this," Yoongi told him as if he was being forced to explain that the sky was indeed blue.

Namjoon didn't know where the hell the sobs came from or where they were hiding, but the second Yoongi reached out and touched him, it was like the world came crashing down around him.

He couldn't even say all of the tears were for Micha, but they did have a lot to do with what she represented. She was a kind of stability that Namjoon couldn't quite find in his life anymore. She represented a kind of comfort that he needed and attention that he was aching forever since he left home.

It wasn't the first time the thought came to mind but...Namjoon felt almost like he was too young for this endeavor.  Playing the leader wasn't cutting it for him, not when he knew it wasn't really his place, and not when he knew he was just playing make-believe. However, being a leader was just about the only comforting thing about being a trainee at Big Hit. The managers kept him in the loop about everything at the company, and that meant regular updates about whether Big Hit was looking ready to fail or when things were looking up so much that Namjoon had to fear being replaced before he could enjoy any benefits.

This life was unstable and the dream of it all was unsustainable. He was too smart for all of this. He was too realistic to buy into it. Most of all, he lacked the confidence to believe that he deserved anything he was set to get out of becoming the rap star he was longing to be.

This all felt like it was a dream that was too good for him that he was just borrowing until someone who deserved it could rightfully take it from him.

Micha was just another part of that ideal life that he felt it was only a matter of time before he lost her.

The manner was so ugly too, having to literally witness evidence of Micha's affair with another man that Namjoon considered better than him, a trainee from a much more successful company. Micha did him no favors by throwing the affair in his face as retaliation for him pulling the plug on their relationship.

He was reminded of every way he didn't measure up to other men chasing the same dream, faced with the elephant in the room that he just wasn't special enough for this all to be meant to be.

There was nothing special about him.

Trying to become an idol was just like being with Micha. He felt like he was just daydreaming, enjoying a life that never felt like it was meant to be his and running on borrowed time.

It didn't help that he'd just been betrayed by his first love.

Yoongi's tight hug and kind words grounded Namjoon as the sobs came over him and started to wash away some of the sinking feeling in his stomach that he'd come to find familiar. Crying was giving him some relief he couldn't find anywhere else.

Among his regrets?

"I should have told you," he cried when he could find the words. Yoongi just shook his head and put on a sad smile in trying to comfort him. He insisted that Namjoon quiet down, but he couldn't stop himself. "I didn't want to get like this when I've been such a bad friend."

"Shut up," Yoongi insisted gently, with a small comforting smile. "Don't talk about my best friend like that." The words inexplicably comforted Namjoon as he swelled with pride over Yoongi calling him his best friend for the first time.

"You're such a good friend. I don't deserve you," Namjoon admitted to thoughts he'd been holding on to for a really long time.

"I mean it, Kim Namjoon. You're cruising for a bruising," Yoongi teased cheesily.

“Shut up,” Namjoon begged upon hearing his best friend’s embarrassing threat.

It had been becoming easier and easier to keep secrets from Yoongi. At the time, he could see Yoongi was training himself to stop minding that his friend wasn't sharing anymore. A part of Yoongi clearly didn't even seem to want to talk about it when he asked Namjoon. That guilt had been weighing on Namjoon for weeks.

As much as Namjoon wanted to admit to everything, he held on to the reason for the breakup, fearing that the infidelity reflected on him the way Micha said it did. It made him feel like he had to be a lousy boyfriend for Micha to betray him like this when they’d once been so happy.

In a way, Namjoon hated how easily this put Yoongi back on his side. Yoongi immediately stopped everything to be there for Namjoon, rescheduling the weekend he had planned with his aunt just to stay home and hang out with his friend. Yoongi helped him hide the heartbreak and become strong enough to face the other trainees without breaking down.

Yoongi promised Namjoon he was going to be okay with him at his side. Yoongi claimed that he would take some of the burdens and prop Namjoon back up again. Even as Namjoon spent certain days crying in the bathroom over the stress, it was like Yoongi would drop everything to be at his side and hold him.

Namjoon could only wonder if Yoongi was putting himself on hold just to be there for him, seeing that the more time they spent together, the less time Yoongi had for Hoseok. As much as he once thought he’d enjoy seeing the day those two distanced themselves, he realized he was terribly wrong.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Summer, 2012 - Over A Year Later
As if Namjoon’s heart wasn’t already threatening to burst from the daily thrill of seeing Taehyung and Jungkook so happy playing together, recruitment added a third teen to the company’s maknae line. Jimin was rescuing the hyungs of the company from the innate fear that came at the thought that they’d all be doomed if anything happened and Jungkook and Tae fought over something. The two of them would have no one to turn to without a third friend, so their hyungs’ friend group was relieved to see the tiny dancer join their ranks.
By this point, Ikje and Hunchul were gone and Yoongi, Hoseok and Namjoon were all that remained of the original circle, causing a power shift as the bullies in their ranks gained more influence. There was so little the hyungs could do to protect the maknaes in their group, this new friend would be as much of a burden to look after as he would be a savior to their free time. Regardless of their dread, the hyungs were thrilled to see him run about with Jungkook like they’d known each other for years already.

There was one issue, though. He was seemingly refusing to talk to Taehyung. Namjoon couldn’t help playing on the offensive immediately and asking Tae what he’d done to offend the newcomer. Tae, however, was visibly and deeply upset about the entire matter, claiming helplessly that he’d barely spoken a word to the boy when this behavior started. It was like Jimin refused to be in the same room with him longer than he had to be.

While Namjoon could easily believe Tae would do something silly to offend a newcomer, he couldn’t even contemplate at all whether Tae deserved to be flat out ignored. There was no way he’d ever offend anyone that badly. Tae was too soft for that. He could barely hurt a fly. He literally called on Namjoon to non-lethally take care of spiders in his bed at night, so there was no way he was bullying this boy to the point of terrifying him the way that Jimin was acting. Namjoon was a genius with puzzles but this was hard to wrap his head around.

When Namjoon finally met Jimin one-on-one, it was with the intention to make peace between the two teens once and for all.

Walking into the dance room, he spotted the stranger and approached him confidently, pleased that he had found Jimin practicing. There was a lot of gossip about the new kid, but the consensus seemed to be that he was dedicated. He could be found practicing around all the same hours that Yoongi and Namjoon could be found writing or producing. Namjoon found himself admiring that, as much as they liked to consider Jimin a child, he was probably barely a few months younger than Namjoon. That was a bit of a relieving thought when Namjoon found himself staring for far too long. He never thought before about how Jimin was close enough to his age that strange feelings wouldn’t be unacceptable, obviously because Jimin was a guy and it was just not something that would come to mind for Namjoon.

But it doesn’t stop Namjoon from feeling really guilty when he busted a sweat seeing Jimin stretch his head down until he folded his back completely in half. Not even realizing he was licking his lips and staring, Namjoon understood eventually how lucky he was that Jimin didn’t notice so he wouldn’t have to answer for his actions.

A bit distracted, Namjoon introduced himself only once Jimin noticed he was there. The whole time he spoke, Jimin just stared at him as if wondering if something was wrong. It was like he didn’t expect being spoken to by any of the hyungs. Namjoon didn’t like that thought and realized he’d have to convince the others to make a social effort with Jimin as soon as possible.

Jimin seemed to be a very nervous person by nature, breathless even just while talking to Namjoon and looking apologetic for his awkwardness at every exchange. Regardless, however, the conversation was going just fine until Jungkook and Tae entered the room, distractedly talking to each other on the other side of the room. The two maknaes didn’t even seem to notice the other two, but Jimin

definitely

noticed them.

Suddenly, it was like Jimin didn’t know how to keep up a conversation and kept glancing over to Tae in fear. Namjoon doubted so much that Tae could ever have done anything to intimidate Jimin, but Jimin’s behavior finally had him asking. “Has anyone been giving you a hard time lately, Jimin?”

Jimin stopped being nervous and just got quiet instead, intimidated but not out of the same kind of fear. He shrugged. Namjoon felt like he’d finally figured it out until Jimin spoke up.

“I think his name is Doyun. He always stares at me like I’ve done something wrong. And his friend can be pretty mean. Jin, right? Or something like that. Are they like this with everyone?” Jimin asked cautiously, his voice barely a whisper.

Namjoon was confused all over again, surprised that Jimin didn’t mention Tae at all. Finally, he smiled sympathetically and nodded, sighing a bit to himself at the thought that the hyungs had already failed to keep Jimin from getting exposed to the bullies. He supposed it made sense for the new kid to have a target on his back.

Realizing he still didn’t know what was wrong with Tae and Jimin, he just decided to leave it alone for today.

“You let me know if they get any worse, okay?” Namjoon encouraged Jimin, wanting him to trust him. He could only hope that Doyun would find another target and decide to leave Jimin alone. As he walked over to Jungkook and Tae, he watched Tae walk in the other direction towards Jimin. It was like time stopped ticking so fast and suddenly Namjoon was watching a car crash in slow motion.

“What is he doing?” Namjoon heard himself whisper under his breath to Jungkook.

“Trying again,” Jungkook whispered back as though he could also sense they were about to witness a scene in the wild of two creatures venturing beyond their natural habitat. Tae barely gets a ‘hello’ out before Jimin’s nervous laughter takes over the conversation, preventing any meaningful discourse. Suddenly, Jimin tries to walk out.

“Please don’t go,” Taehyung requested disappointedly, sounding as though if he’d already given up. Namjoon had chills just watching this disaster unfold. Surprisingly, Jimin stopped and seemingly waited for Tae to speak. Tae seemed unprepared as he tried to pull a subject of conversation out of the air. “Umm, how are things? Are things going well?” he asked.

Jimin nodded appropriately before turning and heading out the door. Namjoon watched Tae’s head fall into his hands like he was suffering over the loss. Namjoon wouldn’t be surprised if he was crying about this. Tae was overly sensitive at times and often struggled with the idea of people not liking him. He could barely handle judgment from the likes of Doyun and Jin.

“Last time we talked, he didn’t say anything bad about Tae,” Jungkook whispered to Namjoon, looking sad for his friend. “The last time we even talked about him, Jimin just called him handsome a couple of times before hiding. It’s really hurting Tae’s feelings. Poor guy.” Jungkook sighed after lamenting the situation with what sounded like the wisdom of an older man. Then, as if on cue to when Namjoon was taking Jungkook too seriously, the boy’s pity seemed to pass as he immediately called out to Tae with a joke at his friend’s expense. “That was your fault for asking a yes or no question!”

The riddle-solving, puzzle-cracking genius that he was, Namjooon realized exactly what was going on in that moment. At the very least, he had very strong suspicions. He was pretty sure that Jimin had a crush on Tae that was keeping him from interacting with him normally. For a while, Namjoon tried to play this idea off as silly. Slowly, however, as the two teens got past the tension and resolved their issues, Namjoon got hints of an idea about whether or not he was right.

However, he never expected confirmation to come in the form of catching the two boys kissing in the dorms during his contract party.

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Please see the next chapter. Information listed in this chapter is no longer relevant so I've removed it.

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Hello all,Long time no see. I've missed you all.It has come to my attention that ever since I posted a remastered version of this fic, people continued filling out the form for updates even after I’d stopped checking it. Since it was a long time ago, I don’t know what led to the issue or what I had been doing at the time that distracted me, but I apologize for not updating everyone on this posting.You can find the new version of this fic here. It is not under this author account, but under a new account using the same alias. I stopped posting to the remastered version regularly a while back after receiving a bit of hate spam. (Those of you who’ve read this a while back might recall I had a bit of experience with harassment over this story.) However, I have since returned to posting. In fact, I am currently looking for beta readers so I can post more regularly since I have the story mostly written by now.Additionally, my story server can be found here. It is a place for my readers to gather, talk about the story, bully me for private spoilers if they want them, or give feedback. I’ll also often seek help on this server since I’m usually in need of beta readers or other kinds of feedback.Follow me at The1TrueOtaku on Twitter and at TheOneTrueOtaku on Tumblr for updates on when I will be posting and whether I’m in need of help (betas) or opinions, etc. (PS. I also have some AUs on my Twitter.)I’ll be posting a new chapter soon to that updated, remastered version. Posts should be pretty regular from now on.I hope to see you all on the remastered version!Best,TheOneTrueOtaku