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Repost from Tumblr, Sorry for any mistakes, they will be fixed as soon as I transfer all my work to this site! Feelings were never your strong suit. Being who you were, going through what you went through, it always seems so much easier to hide your own feelings. Whether it was shielding someone from the truth to not hurt their feelings, or hiding your own pain through your smile, you just could not bring yourself to share the things that weighed you down on a constant basis. You were the cause of your own misery and as time passed, it seemed like that fact would never change. It would be easier to blame Hydra, after all, they were the ones who brainwashed you. They were the ones who made you commit unspeakable acts that cause the aches of regret when you look into the eyes of another human being. They were the ones who tortured you, who cut you physically and mentally until you were nothing but a hollow shell, willing and ready to do what they pleased, when they pleased. It was because of them that your life took such an unexpected turn.However, in the end, they may have been the cause, but they were not the end. You had overcome that life, with the help of one man, Bucky Barnes. He was the one that found you after his fellow teammates had taken over one of Hydras old bases. Punches were thrown, blood was shed, but you were taken down due to being outnumbered. After he saved you from Hydras influence, he convinced the Avengers to add another useful member. You wanted to refuse the opportunity, but he had taken the time to explain to you that this was a chance to start over. You may not be able to take back what you wished you could, but you can redeem what you felt was tarnished. You can try and rebuild what was destroyed. That offer alone was enough to spark a light of interest in your darkened heart.Through time, you had oddly found what you could consider a home within the team, but something was still holding you back. No matter how much you tried, it was increasingly difficult for you to adapt to the new world you had been forced into. It was not that you were ungrateful for Bucky’s rescue, or ungrateful for the acts of kindness and friendship the team had graciously bestowed upon you, it was the fact that everyone seemed to have forgiven you for your past misdeeds almost instantly and accepted you into their lives. It was something you felt you had not earned. How could anyone in their right mind forgive someone as twisted as you? They knew what you did, they knew what you had been forced to do. Whether by your will or not, to you your actions were unforgivable, and to have a team that represented justice and peace just allow you of all people into such a respected fold was unnatural, and in your mind, undeserved.You considered that maybe that was why you found yourself as dangerously attracted to your comrade Bucky Barnes as much as you had been. His eyes held that same burden, you could see he was living the exact same pain. The same thoughts that kept you up at night, were the same thoughts that plagued his mind as he walked in the day. The same nightmares that woke him in the night, were the same nightmares that looped in your mind as you carried yourself during the day. He carried himself with such courage and strength it was almost sickening. He was so broken, no one could deny that, and yet he stood strong, something you could never do. That was what initially made him so perfect to you, he lived the same life as you. The same pain, the same regrets that you allowed to run your life were the very things he held himself and he may not have overcome them, yet he did. You were one in the same person yet you were so different. His eyes held pain, but shined as bright s the clearest ocean, his body held the scars of a troubled warrior, but they only added to his character. You noticed your attraction for him grow after Wanda, who quickly became someone you confided in, pointed out how your eyes lingered on him, and how your subconscious thoughts were wrapped around the thought of him and his daily actions. You tried to play it of and say your feelings were due to him being your rescuer, but she shut that down almost instantly. She knew there was more, and she knew you did too. You wished she had kept her mouth closed, but you knew she was just trying to help. You knew you had feelings for him, how deep they were you may have known as well, but it was something you felt you needed to hide. not only from him, but from yourself as well. Now that she had brought up something you had tried your hardest to suppress for the longest time, it made that reality that much harder to try and deny.Even if you wanted to confront those type of emotions, you would not even know where to begin.You could barley look at yourself in the mirror, what idiotic bunch of hormones got to decided that now was a time for romance. What bunch of hormones made you focus on how his hair was perfectly groomed to match his facial structure, how his hand were soft to the touch, you liked to brush your hand against his and pretend it was an accident. When he worked out shirtless, you could see the scars on his back, each line gracing his skin like a painted story. You secretly wished you could run your hands along the ridges of his skin, to tell him that to you, his scars were a beautiful piece of him. Jesus. You had it bad.That, along with every ounce of pain and anguish you felt was what had you attacking the punching bag in the Avengers Gym like it was your worst enemy. You were hitting every feeling you couldn’t do anything about with raw aggression. It may not have taken the feelings away, but it sure took your mind off of it enough or you to have enough time to breathe and gather yourself. You thanked the gods for the four therapeutic hours you were blessed with to let everything go, even if it was just for a little while. The pain in your muscles was a welcoming sensation, and the little pricks of pain you felt walking down the deserted hallway back to your room brought you a sense of peace, as it was your own personal reminder of the deep rooted pain forcing itself out of you. The floor held your focus, the white tiles beneath your feet were holding your attention more than they probably should have. So much so that you had no idea that you were about to bump into the very person you did not need to see at the moment. “A little pre-occupied I see.” Bucky spoke, his voice like velvet to your ears. “Not really.” You lied, trying to play off the fact you could hear your heart in your chest. Wanda was right, he affected you so much. “I’m just tired.” “Good work out then?” He asked you. “Yes actually.” You said finally looking up to view his person. Had his eyes always been extra blue in the night? You need to get out his presence. If you end the conversation now you can save yourself “What are you doing up so late?” Yup. That’ll stop the conversation. “Couldn’t sleep.” He admitted. “Is something bothering you Y/N?” “What? No, nothing wrong.” You lied again. “Not at all, I am just uh, well, my thoughts have been all over the place lately.” “What has got you all worked up?” You. You spoke in your head. “Me?” He asked you in shock, making your eyes grow wide. Oh shit, you spoke a loud. When have you ever made such a rookie mistake? “Did I say you? I meant uh…..oh shit this sucks,.” You sighed deeply, unable to come up with the proper lie. “What did I do?” He asked, concerned written in his voice. “if I did something Y/N tell me, maybe I can fix whatever I-” “You didn’t do anything Bucky.” You spoke, trying with all your might to make your voice sound sincere. “It’s not you I swear…..It’s…Me.” “Well that’s a typical line.” He spoke with a chuckle. “I’m serious.” You spoke. “I just….You have been making me confused.” Oh boy. It’s coming. “Confused?” He asked. “How?” You paused, you had to choose your words carefully. You dug this hole for yourself and now there was no way to get around this conversation. Damn it. “I…well, ya know I just…..”Shit. Your flustered. You feel hot, your body feels unsteady. Its the type of feeling that you are not accustomed to and you don’t know what to do. You could feel your cheeks starting to burn with the heat that overflowed through your body, everything seemed to be getting unbearable. You felt anxious, and your hands started to tremble with nervousness. “Hey, hey.” He spoke, stepping closer to you, grabbing your shoulders with his hands as he looked to your eyes. You looked into his eyes and you felt lost, but this felt different. The heat that you once felt was now replace by a soft warm feeling in your heart. You felt safe, just like anytime he looked at you. You felt the urge to stay in this position forever. His mere eyes had you addicted and you had no idea how much of a true hold he had over you until this very moment. You felt needy for more of his touch, and by the time you felt yourself leaning it was to late for you to reconsider the type of touch your body craved. Your lips touched his in urgency, in desperation. You could feel his surprise but it only took seconds for his to return the kiss in kind, letting his lips mold with your own. His tongue pushed into your mouth and you let out a soft groan in response. His hands gripped onto your shoulders a bit harder, causing your body to shiver in response. His metal hand slid down your body and found your right breast, gripping it and kneading it with his cold metal fingers. His mouth left yours and went to your neck, sucking on the soft skin that you happily provided for him. He called your name against your neck. The vibrations of his voice caused your core to ache with want. This was too much, he was too much. Your body felt like it as going into overdrive and he had barley even toughed you yet. He was so overwhelming you did not know what to do with what he was giving you. He felt so good, you craved for him to take your entire soul, to have every part of you that you could give. It was the only offering you could properly think of to give him for the feelings that wrapped around your brain and body. His hand left your breast and slid lower down your body, the cool metal feeling so good against your skin. Your black gym belly shirt was never more important than right now and you had to make a mental note to thank Natasha for buying it for you. His cool fingers slipped to your stomach and to your legs. He forced you open, and allowed his hands to rest on your clothed core, making you moan in response. He clutched you, letting his thumb and hands circle your temple slowly. It felt like heaven, but was torturing you all the same. You wanted more, you needed more. You wanted him to force you into submission, to use his hand to make you his own.You pushed into his body, the need to feel more of his body on you. He turned himself and you followed quickly. You stepped back, you body hitting the wall with a soft thud. Go he tasted so good, his tongue was so hot, it danced with your own without faltering and had you not needed oxygen, you would have sucked on it more than you your body would allow. “God I-” You breathed, trying to find the right words. “No need to explain.” He responded, his breathing just as uneven as yours. “I hear you loud and clear.