Work Text
Food.At Veridian Dynamics we understand you need food to survive.(We don’t need it, because we’ve advanced beyond primitive bodily functions, but you do.)But we wanted to bring you food that does more than sate your basic appetites.That’s why we’ve been inventing food with lots of non-edible uses.Like carrots that can replace your screwdriver,Zucchinis you can stick up wallpaper with,Or pumpkins that will destroy your enemies.You name it, we’re making it. – Plus, lots of other stuff, since the people that work for us are much smarter than you.Veridian Dynamics: for food that goes the extra mile. Literally.Because we’re constantly increasing the blast radius on all our weaponized foods. “As head of the Research and Development department for Veridian Dynamics, I’ve worked on a lot of unusual projects,” Ted explained to the camera. “And a few of them have led to some sticky situations, but none of them have caused me to steal from the company before – I think. You see, a while back, the company wanted us to weaponize a pumpkin, which Dr. Bhamba did.”It should be noted that Dr. Bhamba’s work was so well-received it made the front page of the company newsletter. However, after that edition they had to stop distributing copies of the newsletter on the dining hall tables as the enlarged picture of a diseased pumpkin put many people off their lunch. This early end to lunch breaks would have been welcomed by the company, if it hadn’t been followed by long periods spent in the bathroom throwing up.Some say this wouldn’t have been a problem either, if not for the marked decrease in productivity that day, but officially the company had no comment on that.“After the pumpkin,” Ted continued, as he got into the elevator, “the company decided it wanted to go headfirst into the food stuffs business. That is, stuff that isn’t edible, but made out of food. Why? Well, I asked Veronica that myself a few months ago.”
A few months ago
“But why, Veronica?”Veronica looked up from the file at her desk, her face perfectly composed. “Because they can.”
Present day
“Dr. Bhamba and Patricia have been concentrating on weaponizing foods. So far, they’ve done cabbages, cauliflowers, potatoes and celery. Now, they’re working on oranges. Meanwhile, Phil and Lem have been working on… the other stuff. That’s what’s led to our current situation,” Ted said, exiting the elevator and walking down the corridor.“They were trying to develop some sour candy strips that work as bandages, and they actually work surprisingly well on that front. The problem is that Phil left a bag of samples in the dining hall yesterday. When he and Lem went back to retrieve them, they realised the contents of the bag had been mixed in with a locked container of real candy. And not just any candy – the free candy the company has started leaving out at lunch once a week.”This new morale boosting event has had mixed feedback from employees. However, as the candy is solely comprised of rejects manufactured by another branch of Veridian Dynamics that don’t meet standards for sales, the company gave itself a pat on the back for its idea and continued to distribute the misshapen candy.“And guess what day they always put the free candy out? You got it,” Ted finished with a nod.It’s today, if you didn’t. Not everyone finds Ted as clear as he thinks he is.“Now, the adhesive element on the bandages hasn’t made the candy inedible exactly, but one of the side effects is they do make most people throw up for a long time. Oh, and they turn your skin the colour of the candy you’re eating, but we don’t think the company will be as concerned about that part as the throwing up.”See: this is why the newsletter story was important.“I told Veronica about it, thinking we could get someone to just empty that container, but she doesn’t want to notify anyone because then the company will know one of us made a mistake. And, as she made very clear yesterday, if one of us made a mistake, the company might think that she made a mistake. And she can’t have that.”
Yesterday
“If the company finds out one of my team makes a mistake, then they might say that I made a mistake. And I can’t have that,” Veronica said, firm as always.“But we can’t let people eat those candies!”“Well. You’re going to have to come up with another plan to get those candy strips out of the dining hall. But you have to keep it a secret,” Veronica added. “I mean, you have to tell me because I’m your boss, but no one else needs to know. If anyone finds out, you’ll just have to say you were trying to hide what a mess you made.”“What a mess I made?” Ted exclaimed.Veronica nodded, pleased. “Exactly, Ted. Good job.”
Today
“So, last night, Phil, Lem, Linda and I came up with a plan on how we could get those candies out of the dining hall without anyone noticing – and without ruining free candy day for everyone else. They’ve been getting the tools we need to pull this off while I went to see Veronica to tell her our plan.”
A few minutes ago
When Ted finished, Veronica nodded once, sharp, standing up from her perch on her desk. “Well, I suppose it will have to do. Just don’t boil the ocean on this one.”Ted’s eyes widened in surprise. “I thought the company didn’t allow us to talk about that.”Veronica rolled her eyes in response. “Oh, Ted. It’s an expression.”“Because of what Veridian did last year?““Probably, yes.”
Right now
“Which catches you up to now: when we’re about to steal from the dining hall.”Ted came to a stop outside the dining hall where Phil, Lem and Linda were all waiting for him.“You guys ready?” he asked his colleagues, all of whom nodded.“I was born ready,” Lem said confidently.“Actually you were born –““Do not finish that sentence, Phil,” Lem warned.“And why not?” Phil wondered. “You’re among friends here, Lem. It’s just Ted and Linda. We love Ted. And, also, to a lesser extent, Linda.”“Thanks,” Linda pouted.“You were the one who left the candy bandages in the dining hall,” Lem pointed out. “So, you don’t get to share secrets today.”“You were the one who suggested candy for the next project,” Phil countered.“Guys,” Ted cut in, before they deteriorated. “Why don’t we just get on with the plan before staff start turning up to get things ready for lunch. Okay?” The nods were less vehement this time, but Ted counted them as a win nonetheless.“Well, I actually was born ready for this,” Linda said. “Plus, free candy day is the one nice thing the company has ever done for us and it would kind of suck if we ruined that by making people puke their guts out. And turn their skin into primary colours.”“Actually, our studies have shown that free candy day is statistically more likely to result in staff puking than any other day of the week,” Lem noted. “Now, we all understand correlation does not imply causation –““Yes, we all know that,” Linda muttered. Lem didn’t notice, but Ted did.“But we do believe, regardless of whether we recover the bandages or not, puking will occur,” Lem finished.“So technically we’re just going to ensure that they puke a normal amount.” Phil nodded.“Okay, so let’s do this! So people can puke a normal amount!” As a rallying cry, Ted didn’t think it was his best work but Phil and Lem cheered.Linda looked more pensive. “Wait,” she said suddenly, trailing behind as they approached the dining hall. “You’ve been studying us?”