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Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2414.299 (Oct 26th, 2414) At the time, both me and Sorik worked on Space Dock One. I commanded a large team of engineers, took part in the construction and repair of the Fleet’s ships, Sorik was one of the pilots of the escort assigned to the station. Those years we spent at the outpost, only seconds from Earth and a few minutes WARP from T‘Khasi. We often visited my parents in New Sydney and we appeared regularly at the Sorik’s clan meetings. It was a good, stable assignment that gave us the opportunity to experience a bit of peace, with only a few exceptions. At that time, to us both, expanding our family seemed like completely natural consequence of the situation. Work at the station allowed me to be active for most of my pregnancy, and even though Sorik sometimes disappeared for several-day flights, I never worried about his safety during the missions. Remedy was growing fast and healthy, while we (with little help) reconciled our duties with a family life, and after two years we decided to have another child. For a long, long time, it seemed to me that I did not need anything more to be happy. Maybe, it was also true?
 Time passed, our children grew, Sorik became commander of the unit, I was promoted: more responsible tasks, a larger team of engineers. The next ships grew in the guts of the station, then left the dock, to leave behind the heart of the Federation. With time I found myself more and more often looking at departing units with some kind of longing. A feeling of imprisonment has been growing inside me stronger from month to month, alongside awareness that I maybe could do something more with my life.
And then it came. It was late in the evening, the children were fast asleep and I myself was suppose to go to bed, and yet I still was standing in the semi-darkness of the cabin, for a long time leaning against the window, pensively looking on the PADD display. In a dozen days or so, another ship left Space Dock One, to set off into unexplored parts of the cosmos. This time, however, she had the opportunity to take us with her. Information about the possibility of changing assignment came suddenly, and at the beginning I greeted it with excitement. Sao Paolo on which I've been working for many months, which I had already attached to, the unit I learned a meter by meter, was looking for, among others, the chief engineer. This type of opportunity may not happen again for the next few years.
 - Cataria? - Sorik asked, glancing over my shoulder.
 - Mhm, - I said. I moved closer to my husband, crossed out several pages, showing him the documents. - Squadron command - I just gave the key word.
Sorik wrapped his arm around my waist, took PADD with the other, read for a moment in silence then hand me device back.
 - An interesting proposition- he estimated. Of course it was interesting! With his skills, he should have changed to a larger ship a long time ago and only my assignment at the station kept him in this place. - What do you think about this?
 - I ...- I began, but my voice broke down in response to the uncertainty that was pushing against me. - I do not know. Chief engineer, exploratory mission, it all sounds great - something inside me smiled at this perspective, but it went out quickly when the next thought came - but what about the children?
 It was not an easy question. If we decided to get new assignments, we would have the opportunity to take them with us, but would it be a sensible decision? Exploratory missions were long-term and risky, and Alder and Remedy would be exposed to any catastrophes that might happened to a civilian crew. The alternative, however, was to leave them at T’Khasi, under the care of the clan. In this situation, we could not be able to see our children for the next few years. And yet, they were growing so fast, I probably would not be able to recognize them upon return, and they certainly would not be able remember their parents anymore. Tears flowed from my eyes as the feeling of this future loss gripped my throat.
 - Masu ... - Sorik embraced me more. He ran his fingers over the top of my hand to soothe me with that tender gesture. - We have a choice between an unpleasant compromise and a certain risk.- He chopped the situation on their prime factors. - If we leave them behind, they will be safe, but we will lose them as our children and they will lose us as parents.
Of course, he was right.
 - But if we take them to the ship ...- I wiped my tears with my sleeve.
 - ... We can lose them in an accident - he finished my thought - although there is a much greater chance that if something happens, they will be left without one of us, or we will all die in the same event. - It was also a cruel vision. - We also has a chance to take part in space exploration for the following years and be able to happily witness growing up of our children.
Optimism. Who would expect it from the Volkhan? Although maybe it was something else. Reconciling with risk? With the possibility of loss? Yes of course. Sorik was fully aware that, unless the Fate will separates us earlier, he will have to watch how I grow old and die, when he will be only a half way through his life. And if Mother Nature turns out to be cruel, in the same way he will look at the death of our children. By binding to me, Sorik had to accept the fact, that one day he would be alone again.
 - Telsu, - I heard a whisper on my left ear - do not torture yourself in this manner. It doesn't make sense. Nothing in this world lasts forever and despair over it is pointless. If Fate allows, we will still have over seventy years together. Instead of thinking about the end, better appreciate things while they last.

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Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2415.315 (Nov 11th, 2415)The incident: Our first mission on board USS Cataria. Our task was simple: escort damaged ship with her sick crew into Horizon’s protection. Simple enough, until Cataria met romulan warhead drone. Of course I read about the thing, and recognized automated weapon for what it was, but that meeting still was kind of a shock for me - automated missile, bigger than my ship. This things are really out there, the danger is real and it found us.
We battle, and won, without any casualties or damage - this time. After that, we get message from Rihansu named S'Nar (I would call him Snarky from now on) who for some reason tried to taunt Capitan, then disappear. He was definitely the one responsible for drone attack. Some time after, I found out, that Snarky had some beef with older captain, and we apparently get this conflict by inheritance. So it looks like that we have ourselves an enemy at the start. I don't like our odds.
But on the other hand, I heard also that he got himself some interesting technology, that with some luck I would be able to examine in the future. It makes it feel almost worthy of the risk.Meditation:
 I never wanted to be involved with battles. I get to Academy and Starfleet, because that was the best way to insure myself a place on a spaceships, and to learn the most about them.
But I have learned everything there is to learn in the docks. I know how ships are build, what makes them fly, how every part fit together (ba! Many of this parts I fitted myself!) but now was the time to see her fly. And apparently to see her fights as well. If I want really truly understand what I build, I needed to experience theirs inner workings. Not only technology part, but also her her crew and it’s dynamics.
 Outer space is a dangerous place, wandering there is a dangerous thing to do. Sorik and me, We deliberately left safety of Space Dock One, and until we return home, I will be constantly in dread over our family’s safety.
But outer space is a place of knowledge, discovery, and many opportunities, that can be found only here. It is also a place of wonders, that we yet going to see.
Being here is a risk, but right now, there is no better place for us, to make ourselves better.

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Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2403.095 (April 5th, 2403) Someone asked me once if I consider myself a follower of Surak, and I must say, was stumped by this question. Did I? I’m of course not a Vulkhan, but if the one who asked thought that only Vulkhan can be one, this question would never been asked. I know Analects and teaching of Surak as good as any present-day Vulkhan. I suppose, if I would care enough, I would be able to go through Velinahr without any problem.
 But did I follow the path of logic? Of course, I am. But again, what sentient species does not? To some degree at least. Did I follow it completely and without hesitation? I definitely don’t, but again, who really does? Only AI and Kolinahr masters - Vulkhans that cleansed themselves from any emotions, through intensive training and traumatic rituals. But only few goes through Kolinahr and lot of Vulkhans think that is a step too far. After all, Surak himself never become one.
 If Vulkhans would not be born without feelings so strong and primal, that they have power to destroy one's life, they wouldn’t require mental training or Suraks teachings to be who they are now. Everyone has feelings and emotions that has potential to cloud our judgment or struck us unable to make right decision, but as a Human, I don’t need to total control over it, and probably I shouldn’t.
 My feelings are different, calmer, definitely more complicated, and - what’s the most important - deeply embodied into my human psyche. After all, Humans who through some accidents lost ability to feel emotions, are proven to have hard time to undertake any decision and often choose poorly. I need my feelings to be who I am, to see my purpose in life, to have reason for going forward and make myself better.
 But I’m aware what kind of trap emotions can create. We Humans all understand fear, and we praise ourselves every time we conquer it, and we call it “courage”. Vulkhan would call that triumph of logic. I have feelings, but in my life I had situations where it was better to put them aside (or for later) and do what has to be done. And - I must say - Vulkhan teaching helped me to realize those situations and keep myself calm when I needed to.
 A lot of humans thinks of Suraks teaching as a path of logic only, but most famous Vulkhans quotes are: “Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations” and “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” and it says nothing about logic itself. In fact Surak was first and foremost ethical teacher. In his philosophy the goal is to live in harmony, to become better version of yourself, and to enrich society and life of others. And didn’t we all strife to exactly that? I definitely do.
 The values of compassion, unity, pursue o knowledge, cooperation, nonviolence, respect, and self improvement are in his teaching just obvious follow ups from that goals. He - logically - concluded that they are the best ways to achieve prospering and harmonious society. And I value and follow all of those things, and I see logic and meaning behind that. But again, I known that before I even read any of his Analects.
 So, did I consider myself a follower of Surak? I think I do. But again, in some sense, we are all.

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Elie Marta Hanson
Personal log
stardate: 2409.060 (Jan. 1st, 2409) Federation was taken completely by surprise. Attack on T'Khasi was devastating, over 300,000 lost their lives, large part of fleet destroyed. The battle ended few days ago, but wounded officers, and damaged ships still kept arriving at Space Dock One, some over any hope of repair. Sorik flew in defense squadron, his ship get heavy beating, he lost few of his team, but himself was lucky (or skilled) enough to get out alive.
 I stayed on the station, as part of repair team, working day and night, with hurry and negligent amount of sleep, trying (and failing) to grab my head around the situation. But when the first rush and shock worn off, it left behind overwhelming feel of dread. Such a tragedy should never had happen, we were in the heart of Federation, there should be no safer place in entire Alfa quadrant! But if the war was able to sneak up here, there was no such thing as a safe place anymore.
 I finally returned to our quarter, trying to hold myself together, but just short time with my own thoughts in the shower was enough for me to break under fatigue and stress. I start to cry out loud, overwhelmed by all of this. At the edge of my consciousness I recognized Sorik’s mind. My telsu was still here, I was not alone.
 He was there when I finally left the shower. He returned from a front line some time ago. I rushed toward him, and hugged him with all my might, glad that he is still here. His body was warm, his presence somewhat calming, a single pillar of familiarity in madness of the last few days.
 - Hello, telsu - he welcomed me, touched my cheek with back of his hand, trying to widen telepathic connection between us. Normally I would welcome that, but now I was too big of a mess, and definitely not ready. He accepted my decision with a bit of disappointment, but does not pressed further. Instead he handed me an uniform and helped me get dressed. - Ready? - He asked. I was.
 We headed to the nursery. Most of the station personnel was called to arms, but many of them has a family and children there. They joined the battle, leaving their offspring under civilian care for the time of the crisis. Us included. When we arrived, I left Sorik talking with the staff, while I looked around. How many of this children was parentless right now? What will happened to them?
My train of thoughts was interrupted, when Sorik returned with our daughter in his arms. Remedy was only three months old, small, so vulnerable. But right now looked healthy, nursery staff take a good care of her.
 - Oh Sorik - I sighed, coming toward them. - What we have done by bringing new life ino this dark times?
 - We did the best thing possible - my telsu surprised me with his response. He looked at Remedy, touched her forehead with two fingers. - Dwelling into fear is not a way to make a future better - He said - there is a war, but not first and probably not the last one. We suffered great loses, but in the course of history, we suffered greater ones.
Sorik was right, as always. He delivered Remedy into my arms. She was a vision to behold. I could not a help smile.
 - Only logical response to death is life, to destruction is to rebuild - he continued - this is the way it always been, and it is the only way forward.
I let Remedy to grab my finger with her tiny hand. Despite everything, I felt a glimpse of light in the darkness.
 - Hope - I whispered, recognizing that feeling. - As long as we are still here.
 - And even if we perish, it is better to left something behind.

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Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2415.325 (Nov 21th, 2415)
Zypo’oq homeworld It was my first shore leave, since my assignment to the Cataria’s crew. We helped local species called Zypo’oq to manage a crisis on their space station, making their first contact with Federation and Alliance in the process. After the danger was driven away, there came official ceremony and stuff, and after that - time to get to know each other better. So we did.
 I spent whole day in Zypo’oq capital city, looking around, watching their lives and arts, becoming familiar with their technology - not very advanced, but still with its own unique solutions - and just taking all of it in, allowing my undying enthusiasm to take a wheel. So it’s only natural, that after hours of sightseeing, I ended up at the local bar, along with almost all of Cataria’s engineers - all more than ready to blow up some steam. No one can party as an engineer, or, so they say.
 We spend some good time with locals, checked more than few entertainment facilities and bars, trying new foods, drinks, games and harmless gambling as well. Some of Zypo’oq were cautious towards aliens, some very friendly, but there was always a person willing to show us something new. So I went with a flow, and my team followed me along, with some addition of few officers from others departments. Of course, the more the merrier.
Longer that we stayed in one place, the crowd was getting denser and denser. Zypo’oqs come from near and far, taking pictures of us, notifying their friends. As a result our away team has increased by few suspiciously sober security officers, who tagged along at some point. I rolled my eyes at this idea, but I did not want to start a quarrel, so I let it be. Maybe, by accident, even they will have a good time?
 I love music, listening to it, singing, but even more - share it with others. Melodies has a marvelous feature, that they can go just under your skin, and touch something inside, something that you sometimes never knew was there. And there is no other way of singing, then from bottom of your heart. So when you’re having a good time and singing along, I don’t think that there can be more genuine team-bonding experience.
 My team - that thought had an unfamiliar ring to it. Of course, at Space Dock I commanded quite a large group and developed few personal connection from it, but this time was different. Back in the recent days, Space Dock seemed like a safe spot. In ship building and maintenance there was not much of a risk, no immediate danger from getting something wrong, and the biggest potential threat from a mistake were additional working hours needed for fixing the error.
 But now we were traveling the unknown. We all lived inside a ship that we maintenance, having only her hull as protection against cold and empty space. Making Cataria works properly was a matter of life and death, and our sacred duty toward the rest of the crew. So what was my duties towards my team? To keep them well-organised? Calm in the face of danger? Efficient? Or to watch over them in every possible way? Build strong bonds in the team, teach depending on each other? I didn’t know yet, but right now, seeing all of them smile, cheering, without a thought about dangers and darkness, was a reward of its own.At some point, I get out on the balcony for some fresh air and small break from happy but noisy party inside. It was night already. I looked at the stars above my head, for a short moment thinking about my family out there and quickly realized, that I could no longer feel Sorik’s presence. I guessed that my mind was too clouded with alcohol right now. I sighted, that was a one downside of drinking. I looked at my glass filled with bright orange liquor - definitely not a synthol. And hangover was a second one. I am going to be in hell tomorrow, didn’t I?
 Out of the corner of my eye I get a glimpse of Starfleet officer in security uniform - bodyguards, that Commander Rek felt a need to send after me and my engineers. This one was called Estar, if I remembered correctly. Young male of one of the first-type humanoids (the hell I know which one!) stood just on the other side of the balcony door, trying to get me some privacy, without letting me out of sight. That was nice of him, but ridiculous nonetheless.
  - ‘know you’re there, Ensign. - I called upon him. - I can feel your gaze upon my neck - I added.
He got outside awkwardly, slowly closed the door behind me.
 - Sorry, Commander, but I got my orders.
 - ‘guessed that much. - I did not blame him. - But it’s disappointing, that Commander Rek thinks, that we need babysitting.
 - I’m here just in case - Estar tried to be polite - There is a slim chance that yours drinking spree could get somewhat out of hand.
I smiled widely to some of my memories. He obviously had no idea how real drinking spree look like. Or getting out of hand.
 - Don’t be ridiculous, we just clubbing. After months of work, we all, including you, deserve a little break. Beside, it’s a cultural exchange. We’re having fun, Zypo’oq are having fun. - I get large gulp from my glass. - See? Harmless fun.
 - At which we are the main attraction - he pointed - I am pretty sure that we are being recorded by almost everyone.
 - Of course - I shrugged, didn’t mind. - This is a first contact after all. We’re now part of history.
My bodyguard got visibly nervous when he realized that fact. Glimpsed behind, then looked at me again.
 - That is not a good thing - he pointed out.
 - C’mon, don’t stress yourself - I encouraged him - everything is going great! - I gesture toward entrance - This place is great, music is, drinks... - I looked at my unwilling party-buddy - ... and company is great to.
He glitched for a moment, looked at me confused.
 - Are you flirting with me, Commander?
 - Me, ha? - I snorted with laughter. - Of course not! What a ridiculous thought! ’m too married for that! - I explained.
Estar blinked.
 -Too married? - he obviously did not get my idea. - How that even work?
 - Simple. 'have my lovely husband, that ’m now missing super much. But he is back on the Horizon, so I won’t see him for a next few days, ‘till we get back. And even I am here alone, it doesn’t matter, ‘coz 'desire no other close company that him. -I smiled, thinking about my husband. He definitely has this special something, that no other had. - Beside, when I come back, ’m going to ride him into a sunset!
 - Well, now that’s a vision that I want to forget - Estar got quite uncomfortable with that thought. I laughed.
 - No better way for that, than a good drink. - I pointed out, going back to the party.
My bodyguard sighted, but followed.
 - To my defense Commander, you are leaving me no choice.

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Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2415.327 (Nov 23th, 2415) - Docking procedure has started! - computer voice woken me up. I sat on my bed, grabbed a PADD and looked at the clock. For both Horizon and Cataria, it was a middle of night shift. Of course, I could stay in bed in my small cabin aboard defiant, but I set computer to wake me up at the moment of our return.
 I yawned, stretched, and dress up quickly leaving Cataria behind, eager to be back. Horizon was a massive ship, always busy, her hallways filled with peoples, and to be honest? I saw smaller space stations, in both population and size. I don’t let myself to be distracted, and headed right home. At the door, computer welcomed me with a quiet chirp, and let me get inside. The moment I crossed the threshold, I could feel some kind of relief. Home.
 Our quarter was quite eclectic, both with interior design, and life support settings. The air in here was warm and dry, on the other hand air pressure and oxygen level were more in sync with conditions on Earth. Daylight was set slightly dimmer than a standard, but far from twilight preferred by Vulkhans, who's on their home planet were a rather nocturnal species. But right now, lights were off, as rest of my family was asleep. I let computer to keep this setting, in hope, that I will not wake up anyone.
 This quarter was slightly bigger than a standard, first, because it was meant for four people after all, and secondly - I belonged to a senior staff, and that also brought some benefits. Still, nothing huge, just enough to be comfortable: one living room with a double bed, smaller room for our children, plus a bathroom. But right now, despite having their own beds, Alder and Remedy slept with Sorik in a living room.
 I stood for a while just by the entrance, contemplating this image with a smile. My husband lied on his back in position, that he hardly ever change during the night. On his left side was Remedy, curled up almost like a kitty, still holding her father’s hand, and on the right, Alder dug himself out of the bedding, lying now partially on the pillow, partially on Sorik’s chest. Each of them still somehow connected, breathing completely in sync.
 I left small bag beside the door and got myself into the shower. Every night I was away, Sorik let our children sleep with him, a custom that I started years ago, still on Space Dock One. Back there, I was the one who stayed with children on the station, when my husband has been sent out on the missions. I learned what to do in this circumstances, but here on Horizon, the situation flipped, and I though that everyone will be OK with that. But our children were more accustomed to Sorik being away not me, and had hard time to accept the fact, that now it is their mother that could disappear from their lives for a couple of days.
 Sorik and I, we were always in the constant struggle, trying our best to reconcile private life with service, despite the fact, that Starfleet try to accommodate their mebers on many levels, as not to force them to choose between uniform or family. Probably because every officer who at some point choose the second, would be a huge lost investment. However even with that, it was a great endeavor, especially here, when we can no longer count on help of our clan or my parents. And atop all of that, I lately get myself into reverse-engineering project on Horizon, that was truly fascinating and needed, but still consumed time.
 When I left the shower, I tried to sneak up into the bed without waking up anyone, but Remedy started to wriggle as soon as she felt an unexpected movement. She let go of Sorik’s hand, roll on the other side, slowly returning to awareness.
 - Sssh. - I tried to calm her down, pat her on the cheek - It’s only me. - I whispered, when I sat on the edge of the bed.
 - Ko-mekh, ha? - she mutter in half sleep, recognizing both my voice and mind.
I smiled, get myself under the blanket.
 - Ah, masu. - I responded, kissed her on the forehead.
She waked up fully but contend, curled into my arms. I embraced her gladly.
 - We missed you - she stated the obvious.
I pet her on the head, run fingers through her long, dark hairs.
 - I know, honey, ‘missed you as well. I got back as quickly as I could.
On the other side of the bed, Sorik slightly moved in his sleep. I reached my hand to his face, rest my fingertips of on his temple. I felt his mind as he felt mine, even if he wasn’t awake. Along all of those years, we many times fall asleep still joined and dreamed together. We were too familiar to each other, to wake up upon other’s presence. I was so glad to be back.
 - How long will you stay? - Remedy asked another question.
 - No idea, my dear. Until I will be needed again.
 - But I want you to stay! - she protested.
Children are selfish, I knew, but it still kinda hurt. I wished I could give my children as much of a time as they wanted, still - being a mother was only one of my duties. I loved my family above all else, but I loved being engineer too, and I loved star ships. My family needed me, but Cataria’s crew needed me also, and I always aspired to new knowledge and skills. Of course, I was not perfect in dividing my time between those things, sometimes with no clear priorities on the topic, but I always hoped that I’m just good enough. Was I?
 - I want to stay, too. - I whispered to my daughter. - I don’t know for how long, but I am here now. - I said while resting my head on the pillow.
I looked on Remedy in my arms as she started to fall asleep again, looked at Sorik and Alder. Glad to be home. Tomorrow. We will have time tomorrow.

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Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2415.331 (Nov 27th, 2415) Four days later, duty called and I was back onboard Cataria. We detoured from our main mission, to make contact with our sister ship USS Oshrath, that missed communication schedule by two days already. We had her last known coordinates as well as destination point. Just go there and see what’s what, plain and simple, assist when needed.
 We have more than half of the way behind us, when Capitan asked me to see him in the ready room. Of course. But before I set my foot outside the bridge, I suddenly felt a glimpse of tension from the other side of ki’navau. Back on the Horizon Sorik returned few moments ago from a squadron training and got the same call, from ship’s security chief. That definitely couldn’t be good news. I suddenly got anxious, as both me and my husband walk into corresponding offices. The news definitely wasn’t good: our daughter Remedy went missing. No one known what happened, she just not showed up on last security sweep.
 Wait, what?! How?
 No one knows. They searched and scanned all Horizon, without any success.
 First: do not panic - it is a stupid thing to do. I don't have a panic attack in over fifteen years, and I am not getting one right now! I started to control my breathing: slow and steady. I am not going anywhere.
 - We didn’t find a body... - This words, instead of calming me, triggered a response: “Disintegration?” Really Elie, really? I throw that suggestion away from my brain. It was just an automatic thought, coming from a part of me that started panicking anyway. The chance that Remedy is somehow simply just not on the Horozion was far more greater than mysterious disintegrating accident that no one noticed.
 - Are there any ships which departure time matched with Remedy disappearance? - One of us asked instead. Or maybe we both did?
Yes, there were, and the Oshrath was one of them. So maybe if we find missing ship, we will find our daughter as well. That was enough to give me a plan that I can follow instead giving up to fear and confusion. Captain asked if I will be ok. I will, in time. He give me some of that, leaving the ready room.
 I closed my eyes. Deep breath in, and slow out. Again and again. My heart was rattling, my muscles tense, but I didn’t need any of this. There was no reason to run, there were no one here to fight. Just a situation that I needed to understood. I felt Sorik on the other side of the ki’navau. He was afraid for Remedy too, and he was surprised by this news the same as me, but he also was focused and sharp. I hold onto that, like I would hold a steady hand when loosing my own balance. With a help of my telsu, I slowly regained composure and clarity.
Then the solution made itself clear: I need to check onboard USS Oshrat, and our mission lead us there anyway. Just continue the mission - I focused on that. I get up and return to my station.
 At that time, there were nothing more that I could do to help. There were no reason to loop my attention over a problem, that already has a solution. No sense in listening to my imagination, that gone highwire and start to spewing countless future scenarios, each stupidder and more baseless that the previous one. Focus, Elie, don’t waste your brain power. You will only exhaust yourself. Here, look at this station readings right in front of your eyes, try to make a sense of that instead. Yes? Right! I have a job to do, so I am going to do just that.  After few couple of hours, we finally found Oshrat. She was drifting on emergency power at the edge of spaceship graveyard that her crew supposed to investigate. At first I thought that graveyard was remnants of an old battle from long time ago, but according to T’Voryn’s interpretation this region of space was pierced by invisible subspace rifts, that could potentially damage ships in range. So we kept our distance.
 There were no communication with our sister ship, but we manage to scan Oshrat with ease: everyone was accounted for, plus one person extra. Remedy. It has to be her, right? But we were too far to get exact readings, and crew member teleported from USS Oshrat didn’t know anything beside that a Captain had a guest. Maybe I set my hopes to high? Maybe they pick up some alien diplomat on there way here, or something.
 Oh, and they were having a mysterious power drain, that make them stuck in one place. Sure, I could take care of that. First we send communication probe toward incapacitated ship, then decided to took the shuttle as a safer option that teleporting through space full of rifts and who knows what else. As we board the shuttle, I automatically sat at the helm, without realizing that was Sorik’s habits talking through me.
Oshrath has one additional passenger. It don’t have to, but definitely could be Remedy, and I had to hold on to that hope. Beside time frame of Oshrath departure and her disappearance matched. If it was her, how was she? Was she in danger? Was Oshrath in danger? How does she got aboard? Why? ...and why this fucking helm control doesn’t work?!
 Before I had time to look again, Lt Yrret clicked something at helm settings and we were ready to go. I got annoyed by this small thing too easily. I rebuked myself, if I will keep doing that, I will soon render myself useless ...or worse. We get onboard Oshrat without any problem. Her crew was relieved to see us, they stayed on emergency power too long. They were exhausted, unable to use replicators or even take a shower, and without the clue what is going on. At first I wanted to see captain and ask for his guest, but then I realized, that there was no reason to hurry. No one here was dying. And If Remedy (if her) wasn’t dying, the best way to keep her that way, was to take care of the ship’s failing power system, that could collapse at any given moment.
 So I took my ass to the engine room. First step: isolate the problem. Oshrat’s core was barely glowing with matter-antimatter reaction, that give only 20% of it’s supposed power. Why? As long as physic didn't broke, only explanation was that there is not enough fuel to go by.
 But converters that produced antimatter worked just fine. We checked twice. That couldn’t be containment failure, because there would be no longer a ship to talk about. So delivery. I took antimatter conduits apart, looking for any flaw. If there was a leak, safety measures were set to convert antimatter back before it got any chance to start a reaction, but there was no report of that in the system, or any particle residue of such event. From my point of view everything worked as it should. Except it obviously doesn’t. So... physics broke? I called T’Voryn, we discussed possible causes and concluded, that we should get close range reading from the reaction chamber itself.
 I looked at the core. It’s weak glow and irregular reaction pulses gave me a vibe of a failing heart. Well, it was time to stop the reaction and flush this thing clear, because, boy, I had no intentions to swim in a hot plasma. I needed to look inside, even if it meant that Oshrath will be left without a main power source for a few hours, even more defenseless than now. I just had to be quick with my task.
 Shutdown and flush procedures went without a problem, even if they took some time. As soon as it was safe, with a tricorder in my hand, I crawled into an access tunnel, not much wider than myself. Someone could found it funny, but seriously, over the course of my career, I had to pick up some techniques of squeezing myself through confined spaces of various shapes and forms. I was sure, that If I would needed to be born again, I wouldn’t give my mother any problem this time.
 On the interior side of reaction core chamber I found a plaque left there by one of the engineering team, that constructed this ship. I smiled to myself. Some names that I recognize from Horizon, some (yet) unknown and two of my colleagues back from Space Dock One. Gotcha! I took a picture of this hidden the memento. Another point to my private score. Now everyone on this list officially own me a drink, or they will be breaking secret trust of Starfleet Engineers!
 This one find brought me a smile and shot of confidence. In my times at Spacedock One, I myself left dozens of this, one one every ship that we work on, including Cataria and Horizon. This was of course officially against the regulation, but everyone did this anyway, and it was kind of an open secret between dock workers and higher commands.
 I have no idea how things works in others departments, but we engineers, have our own customs and quirks that build sense of community in lots of not quite obvious ways. Community that I felt strong connection with, since my first day in the Academy. Plaques like this, scattered around normally unavailable spots, were centuries long tradition of shipbuilders. There were a way to leave part of yourself on departing craft, to commemorate work of you and your team, and the time you spend together. Way to remind anyone who will come after, that they are not alone. Someone before put they pray and thoughts into this vessel, this system, and has been crawling through the same bloody place that you are in right now. And now you earned their blessing.
 With a feeling of nostalgia I touched polycomposite glass that protected plaque form environment of the chamber. I mouthed simple “thank you”, and got back to the task at hand.
 When I returned with readings, T’Voryn began her analysis. The result: a subspace rift straight to the heart. Not a funny situation, but not an engineering problem anymore. As soon at it was clear that my help here is no longer needed, I switched to other task at hand: finding Remedy.
 Captain Prelok was commanding officer of USS Oshrat, when I get into her office, she greeted me with a smile.
 - Commander, did you finished already?
I stood at attention.
  - Not yet, but we identified the problem. I came in to ask about your guest... - I started.
Captain looked like she was reminded of a not very important issue, that slipped her mind in the course of recent events.
 - Oh yes, Hanson. That’s you, right? - I only nodded, captain continued. - It looks like we found your daughter.
What a relief!
 - Is she allright?
 - She is. - Captain calmed down my fears. - I guess you are eager to see her. I will ask someone to bring her here. - She get up and send down a security officer waiting outside on the bridge.
 - Thank you, Captain. - I finally allowed myself to smile a little. - But how does she end up here?
 - If I remembered correctly, she used a part of your old comm-badge, to trick ship system into thinking she’s you. I guess, your lifesigns matched enough.
So that’s why my pin get missing! I must say, I had been suspecting something of a sort. And tricking system like that, required some tweaking anyway. Nothing too complicated, given over 50% genetic match, but still slightly more that I used to expect from a six year old child.
 - Weren’t you surprised to see my ID onboard?
 - Oh, we were! But before we find out, we were stuck here already. To be honest, I didn't had the time to deal with her, so I gave her a cookie and send away to the counselor.
 - You found a stowaway on your ship, and instead of throwing into the brig, you gave her pat on the head, and cookies? - I looked at Oshrat Captain, completely surprised. Were there any rules on this ship, or what? She looked both somewhat embarrassed by her own actions, and slightly amused by my attitude.
 - It was one cookie - she responded - and really, what I supposed to do? I just wanted her off my office.
She definitely wasn’t a parent. Acting in this way, Captain only showed my daughter, that there will be no consequences to her disobedience. Worse than that - she was practically rewarded for her actions. Now it was up to me, to show her otherwise. What a pain! But what I expected? That everyone will magically knew, or even care about, how me and Sorik are dealing with our children?
I sighted.
 - Thank you for taking care of her.
 - Of course, Commander.
 - Mother! - Office doors opened with a quiet hiss. Remedy barged inside, hugged me with all her strength, and started to babbling about how much fun she had so far. I was so happy to see her alive and well, but also quite angry. She shouldn’t be here for so many different reasons, and I thought that Remedy understood this, but apparently not. I knelled and tried to give her a stern talking-to, but I felt it didn’t sink well. Not a really best time to do that either.
 - But I thought you will be happy to see me! - She protested.
 - I am happy that you are safe, but this is no place for you. I am here on a mission, and I wouldn’t have time to take care of you.
 - You won’t take care of me?! - Remedy get both shocked and disappointed. In her young mind I have been just mean to her. If she would be physiologically capable of crying, she would definitely break out with tears right now. Instead she gave a soft, meow-like sound, that almost broke my heart. It was both genuine expression, and manipulation effort on her part.
 - I won’t - I confirmed. - I had to much work on my missions, that’s way I don’t take you with me.
 - But... - she tried to come up with some excuse.
I got deep breath and exhaled slowly.
 - Let’s just inform your father that you are ok, ha? We both have been worrying.
 She nodded. I grabbed her hands, closed my eyes and concentrated on my bond with Sorik. As an opening though, I gave him my feeling of relief. Remedy telepathic abilities and familiarity with our minds allowed her to hook up on the ki’navau upon physical contact, just enough to let Sorik’s consciousness to touch hers. They acknowledged each other presence, my telsu was glad that she was well, but greatly disappointed in her actions. Remedy did not responded, just broke the contact by slipping her hands from mine. She obviously hoped for a different reaction from her parents. Well, she would have to learn.
 I stood up, nodded towards the Capitan.
 - I will take it from here - I said. - Thank you again.
 At this moment, it meant handing her under a care of Commander Rek, because I still had work in the engineering. At least I was now less worried about Remedy’s safety. I hoped we will get back home soon.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I sat on the top of the crate, and sighed loudly when shutting clap of my tricoder. I just finished checking our small cargo for any leaks or micro fractures. Test of course was negative. Not that I wanna to complain, but damn, this shift was boooring!
 Year and a half after graduation, and I was serving as engineering mate on USS Maliva, medium size ship, that mainly patrolled Federation space, sometimes picked up some cargo or important passengers, but mostly just flying around, showing up and establishing Federation presence among this sector. I laid down on the crate and looked at the ceiling. It wasn’t boring assignment as a whole, but there were slower days, when everything was already diagnosed from top to bottom, squeaky clean, and performing on 100% efficiency. Was I working too fast or something? Should I go to my superior to get more assignments, or will I be bothering them? Or go to engineering room and start tweaking? Or stay here, alone in this cargo bay, in hope that no one will want anything from me, or even notice my absence? I got deep breath and exhaled slowly, to give myself a moment to relax.
 Four hours till end of my shift, on which, I was damn sure, not a bloody thing will happen. Why it can’t be right now? I got slightly frustrated. I just want to return to my quarter, got long, warm shower, and spend some time with my husband. I smiled to myself, when I thought about Sorik. We got married only a few months ago, and I still couldn’t believe the Fate’s blessing.
Upon our engagement, just after the graduation, Sorik took me on T’Khasi, to home of his clan in Stivi’Go-an plains. This was the most awkward meet-my-parents moment that I ever lived through, but the family accepted his choice, and we were telepathically bounded by the Elders at official, very traditional ceremony, that was important enough, for all the clan members to show up. Not a marriage though, Sorik was still too young, despite the fact that he was five years older than me. But Vulkhans are just different that way. That was also the first time, that I saw Sorik in traditional golic robe, and oh boy, he looked hotter than a warp plasma! I still keep that a photo in my files, because why not?
 But after ceremony, came the separation. We got different assignments on two different ships, as engagement was not enough reason to pull the Fourth. As well as our bond - ki’navau - was not as strong as it is right now, just enough to get some glimpses of his presence, some shared dreams, a random thought from now and then, nothing more than a proof of him still being alive. So we spend over a year, sending message back and forth, and having short video conversations if distance and delay allowed. It was so different that our time in the Academy, when we could see each other almost every day, and I didn’t endure this separation well, constantly longing for more. During this period we met only once, for half of a day, at space station in which both of our ships happened to dock at the same time. I was so happy to finally see him again, but when the moment passed, letting Sorik out of my arms was a truly heartbreaking decision. Later that evening, in the privacy of my quarter, I cried myself to sleep like a teenager dumped right before the prom.
 Nevertheless, we somehow made it through, and when the calling came - I responded as expected. I returned to Stivi’Go-an, to Sorik, we got traditional Vulkhan wedding and were joined anew, this time to never to be separated again. We truly become one in any sense of the phrase, as the mind-meld that has been used during the ceremony, was the strongest and most complete form ever practiced by Vulkhan race. Something that was supposed to be one in the life time event. In one moment we shared all of each other’s memories, knowledge, points of view and body sensations, and remained in this lock for long hours, until we finally fall asleep, sometime around the sunrise. After that, it took Sorik and me few days to regain any sense of individuality, neither we were in much of a hurry. But most of this feeling faded away with time, though left behind strong and stable telepathic bond, that allowed us to share thoughts, and made any following mind-melds a lot much easier task for Sorik. ( His first time attempt, still in Academy, failed so bad that we both needed help of a mind healer. He was a really shitty melder back there.) And we kept each other memories too.
 I remembered growing up on T’Khasi and his pilot training, as well as my own childhood in New Sydney and engineering courses. I remembered us, weirdly and awkwardly dancing around each other, through social interactions and each other’s quirks, trying to reach some kind of understanding, and lots and lots of middle grounds. Me, being completely love struck from the first moment we meet at advanced sub-light propulsion systems course, and desperately trying to get his attention, while trying not to be to much of a bother, or just plainly turning into some kind of a creepy stalker. He definitely wasn’t my first crush, as three years of Academy bring me many turmoils and heartbreaks, but he turned out to be the last.
 I remembered him, being completely unaware of my existence for the first few weeks of the class, but slowly growing an interest in my unusual (to him) methods, and undying creativity, that somehow get to desirable results, maybe by sheer force of emergent properties. For his steady demeanor and disciplined mind, I was a weird space anomaly, just swiftly flying around, spreading chaos and discharged energy in a random places. But with time, he caught himself interested in what new kind of surprise I will bring next.
 And I brought so much, as I tried to storm his silence with a flaming torch of my passions, and he was truly fascinated by my unusual choice of weapon. We were so different in almost every aspect of our lives and minds, but we also shared the same values and dreams. I made him curious, and as this curiosity gets filled by knowledge and new questions, it grows into a mutual fascination. It brought weird kind of understanding, respect for our differences and constant lessons from one another, things that we would never learned otherwise. With time, we become a part of each other’s reality, a part that one day Sorik decided was worth of taking all in and keeping for the rest of his life.
 After that, came the rest of all this, and I was again here, at the cargo bay of the USS Maliva, looking at the ceiling, with my thoughts jumping back and forth. Sorik, my love, where are you, and why not here with me? He wasn’t far, just outside holodeck, as he finished his daily portion of conn training. I send him small greeting, just to turn his mind-eye my way, and smiled when he responded with attention. Did I need something? Maybe? Four hours to the end of my shift. I just wanted him to spare a moment for me.
 Not soon after, I heard cargo bay doors opened and Sorik came in, slightly confused, expecting that I need some kind of a small assistance.
 - Sorik! - I immediately sprung out and hugged him gladly. I closed my eyes, letting warmth of his body and smell of his skin to sink into my mind. I loved him so much! It was ridiculous to get this strike of loneliness just after few hours, but here I was.
His confusion turned quickly into recognition and acceptance, he already knew all my weird moments. It was just again, me being me. He run his hand through my hair, to give me a sense of his presence. His touch was so nice and calming.
 - Telsu... - Sorik responded to my greeting. I giggled upon hearing his voice, then quickly raised my head and kissed him with all my passion. He didn't opposed and returned the kiss. I rest my hands on his neck, it felt so good to be with him again. With physical contact, come a telepathic one too. I gladly let his thoughts flow into mine, welcoming his presence, as I felt nice, familiar shiver going through my spine. So nice. My love, please come closer.
That was ridiculous. Sorik stepped back a little.
 - It is not a time or the place for that - he reminded me - we are still on duty.
Shure. I looked with bashful thoughts at his red uniform, making no effort to block them, which annoyed him a little.
 - It’s not like we are now particularly needed or anything - I responded - we are on the same route for the fifth time. Nothing happened back then, and nothing will happened now. - It was the truth, and Sorik knew that very well. - We can as well take a while for ourselves.
 - We'll get a reprimand if someone finds out - he pointed out, but there was a brief moment of hesitation in his mind, and I smile when I noticed it. C’mon my love.
 - Would we? - I asked. Small chance, but even then, there were some things that, if not too frequent, some superiors tends to turn a blind eye on.
 - Although... - he started, but realized that I’m already rushly taking off the bottom part of my uniform. I looked at Sorik, letting my thoughts and wants to freely roaming between our mind.
 - Let me tell you something, masu... - I again came closer to him, touched his lips with my fingers. I felt the shiver once again and deliberately shared this feeling with him. It sunked deep on the other side. - ...it will be quicker for you to fuck me, than trying to talk me out of it.
I was so on point, that he almost smiled.
 - That is very true - he gladly admitted his defeat, put his hands on my hips. We started to kiss once again. Sorik, my love, telsu, ashayam. He was a truly the Fate’s blessing.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

PRIORITY ONE MESSAGE
from Commodore Kaazu to the Horizon Fleet  The Iconians have amassed their fleet and are on course to attack Starbase 5 in the Sauria System. The Horizon Fleet is ordered to rendez-vous with the mothership and all tactical craft are to dock in preparation for slipstream drive. The Iconian Fleet will reach Starbase 5 in 30 minutes. Slipstream will place us in the Sauria System in 28 minutes.
Without our assistance, the remaining alliance fleet are not enough to withstand this assault. They are throwing everything at Starbase 5 and we must give all aid. We have lost the USS Pendragon and USS Zephyr to a temporal anomaly 6 weeks ago and have discovered no evidence of their survival. But we now have information on iconian weapons systems and their gateway technology that could help Starbase 5 in their defenses, gleaned from the Pendragon's capture of an iconian space station.
We will stand against the tyranny of extermination, for the Federation, for the Republic, and the Union and ultimately for the Alliance. Cataria was on her way back from a short patrol when this news hits us. My heart stopped for a moment. Another battle. Please, not again. Oh Fate, how I hated war! We got a full WARP and arrived quickly at Horizon’s location.
 When I first saw Horizon Fleet, It was a breathtaking view. Its heart was of course our mothership: USS Horizon - Dreadnought Carrier with a crew of almost 5 000. Flying starbase, completely self sufficient and heavy equipped with the newest defence systems. Our home for the last year. Horizon was accompanied by a large fleet of Federation ships: One Olympia, two intrepids (it would be four if not loss of the Pendraon and Zephyr), two Sabers and Sao Paulos (us included). We also had companions from Romulan Republic: two Ar’Kif and one T’Varo and Cardassian Union as well - three Detapa class. And as impressive as it sounded, we did not stand a chance in a upcoming battle. We docked at Horizon and the fleet jumped. 20 minutes till destination, 20 minutes to prepare.
I went to my quarters and was immediately greeted by Remedy and Alder. I hugged my children with all my might, maybe for the last time. They sensed my fear with ease and Alder started to cry.
 - No masu, please don’t. - I begged him, I could not stand his tears. I took my son into my arms, touched his forehead with mine, focused on my love for them instead. My son, my love, I will do everything to protect you. I felt tears dropping down my cheeks, my own this time. I was soo bad at holding it together.
 Doors behind us opened and Sorik came in. He put a hand on my shoulder when he passed us, then sit on the floor deeper inside the room. He looked at us, slightly rise his left hand, palm up. I smiled at this inviting gesture. Ah, telsu. I took the children and we sit together in a close circle, Sorik reached hands to Alder and Remedy sitted on both of his side, and I did the same. I closed my eyes, embracing the telepathic touch. I felt mind of my husband: agitated but concentrated, of our children: confused and afraid, looking at us for protection.
 Even before Sorik and I extended our family, we agreed to never lie to confort. Short time solution as it, was detrimental in the long run. So we did not lied this time either. Yes, there was a danger ahead, and only thing we could do is to fight to protect. What is happening is larger than you, larger than us, but giving into fear will solve nothing. All you can do is to stay safe and have hope, as we will fight in hope to keep you safe. We touch theirs minds, just to feel them for a brief moment of embrace. Sorik and I - we were telsu, but our children was part of us as well. In some sense, each of our offsprings were us, united in one body in its own unique way. Maat kaunshuk - family is one.
 But the time was ticking away and we need to hurry. We stood up, Sorik got Remedy in his arms, I hold Alder and we took our children into designated safety zone. If anything is going to happen to USS Horizon, it was a part of it designed to withstand it all, even a core breach. In my thoughts I begged the ship to keep my children safe. Vainly - Fate will decide it all, and does not choose sides. We could only try to rise our chances.
 After leaving our children under ship’s care, we returned to our quarter for a brief moment. We again sat together on the floor, facing each other. Sorik, my love, is it the last time? Probably, but who could really know?
 My telsu reached his hand and touched my face with his fingertips. We both silently mouthed initiating mantra as I felt Sorik’s mind slipping into mine, looking for synchronization. I allowed it gladly. I shared with him my love, my feeling of impending doom, my memories of last few days. My fear. If we die, will the death take us apart? That was an useless thought, as no one could experience they own death, or suffer beyond that moment.
 I took in his agitation. Sorik trained everyday to keep himself in the peak condition, to keep his senses sharp, reactions fast, practiced every maneuver to the point when they become reflexes. He will fly in defense squadron, his team will do anything to give larger ships tactical advantage, to shield them from danger, and exploit every crack in the enemy’s defenses. But the danger ahead makes Sorik’s mind railroad, and he could not allow himself to do that. He still need to keep bigger picture in mind, to think about the tactics and other pilot’s positions, follow orders, balance risk and chances.
 We took deep breath together, released part of our tension along with exhale. In this moment, we were still here. We still had time to think this through. What we will do next?
 Horizon was exploratory fleet, but created strong. Strong enough to be able to defend itself and others if needed. However, if the reports were true and Iconians are arriving with all of their fleet - we had no fucking chance, no matter how many ships Starfleet and Alliance will send to aid Starbase 5. But we will fight to protect others, and if we will try our best - maybe we will be able to weaken Iconians enough to tip the scale for the next to come. Not for our own survival (our odds were so small, that almost out of the question) but for the chance of one for others.
 “5 minutes till destination.” Warned shipwide comm, our time has passed. We opened our eyes, stand up. We both needed to go. I looked at Sorik for the last time, still feeling his mind inside mine, hoping to not lose this connection until the end.
 - Fly safe - he said, fold his fingers to ozh'esta. I did the same as I brushed my fingertips against his palm and fingers. Telsu, ashayam. We kissed.
 - You too, my love - I responded, wiping my tears with sleeve of the uniform. - Fly safe, O’hashu. Fly safe.Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2415.340 (Dec. 6th, 2415)

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Elie Martha Hanson
Personal log
Stardate 2415.356 (Dec. 22th, 2415)As soon as we materialized on transporter pad in local traffic center, I take a deep breath of humid and salty air of my hometown. Back on Earth, back in New Sydney. I looked around and saw no difference. It was amazing that despite the war, this place did not changed much. Floating city, that hundreds of years ago started as marine biology base, grown into small town, that grown into large center of buildings floating on the sea waves, connected by segmented pavements and green parchments of grass and trees. Place where boats were as common as land vehicles.
My parents were waiting in cafeteria, just outside the designated area. I waved at them across the plaza. They of course saw me and Sorik coming from afar. Our uniforms definitely stand out of civilian crowd, and as we walk some residents look our way with interest as Starfleet members were rare view outside the major cities.
Remedy and Alder of course get to their grandparents first, where they received lots of hugs and happy welcomes. Only after that I was able to squeeze them myself, happy to finally meet up again.
- So long no see! - I smiled widely at mom, while still hugging with dad.
- Greetings. - Sorik reserved himself to ta’al, and they exchanged respectful nods, as none of the three were comfortable with more direct approach.
- Welcome home - my mother smiled, when I finally got to her. - ‘hope you stay on the Festival, right? - she asked with tone that suggested no other option.
- Of course, we will. - I calmed her down with a smile, looked at Remedy that climbed into grandfather’s arms. He kissed her in the forehead, while trying to hide how much effort it took him to pick her up. - Children are excited already.
- Sparkling candles! - Remedy confirmed.
Mom looked at Alder, but he said only short “Hi” and grab her sleeve.
- How are you? - She tried to engage a conversation.
He stared at her for a few seconds.
- ...muhl - murmured finally, confusing languages. He was much younger than Remedy, and only recently started to speak longer sentences.
From there my parents home was several minute walk away, so we get ourselves a nice stroll through the city. On our way we did some small talks: news from Earth, what books are now trendy, some new songs I should catch up to, maybe a movie or two. To be honest I partially doozed out of this. After spending so much time in the confined space of a starship, wind and open sky ahead felt nice but strangely out of place. I looked at sea horizon amazed by how much I weaned of that view, or even line of sight that long, trying to shake off the feeling that I’m still in a holodeck.
I felt mental equivalent of a friendly nudge that gently pushed me out of this weird trance. I look back at Sorik, smiled and took him by the arm. We had three months of shore leave ahead, Winter Festival was just around the corner, and after that we would probably spend some time on T’Khasi too. It could be a pleasant change of scenery. My old home was located in west side residential area, one of the many buildings that floated along narrow pier, that branched out of the main lain. Bright gray building, small in diameter but four stores high ( two of them under water level), with large windows and domed roof. Hello old place, you are doing exactly the same.
We get inside, and started to accommodate ourselves for at least week-long stay. We did not have much, most of our personal belongings stayed on Horizon (my models, Sorik’s scripts and utensils), but we got our replicator and PADDs libraries, so what took the most of space was two stuffed animals that Remedy refuse to put into files or part with. Alder luckily was still too young to understand difference between putting something into a replicator and hiding in the box. Children got guest bedroom on top floor, while Sorik and me, we took my old room, that still bore some traces and memories of my teen years. After all, last time I was really staying here, has been before high school and I didn’t change the room much since. Returning here was almost like a time travel, a weird but familiar one. Sorik looked around too, we share memories, so he also remember this place, this house, this city, and my parents. He didn’t say much, or allowed himself a feeling of nostalgia, but for my husband, being here was like returning home in a completely different body that no one else recognized.
That was of course not our first visit here, but still it was easy to lost yourself into memory and thoughts of your telsu, where everything around emphasis only one side of the bond. In a short term, it wasn’t something particularly wrong or dangerous, and if we would be alone, none of us would have reason to push against that. But it bring visible shift in one's behavior and speech, and we did not want to freak my parents out. They of course knew about our bond, but don’t understood it at all, and every visible sign of it made them somewhat uncomfortable.
- You ok? - I asked.
- I will be - he responded simply. I got that. Getting use to this always took him awhile.
I felt faint trace of confusion slowly creeping into his thoughts. Nothing dangerous, right now only on level of mild inconvenience, but it will grow until properly taken care of.
- If you want I can distract rest of the family for a moment or two. - I proposed, touched his hand and we felt brief spike in a telepathic contact. He responded by slowly brushing his fingers against my palm, widening connection, and drawing upon my grounding in the situation. Mind close to mind. It was comforting for both of us.
I smiled, took his hand, and moved by affection, kissed his fingertips.That was not my best idea. A bolt of desire sparked between our minds and echoed, before we were able to put it on hold. I felt sudden rush and instantly withdrew from the touch, my face blushed and my excitement dimmed away, leaving behind only a pleasant glow. Sorik hide his hands behind his back, tensed in both mind and gaze. I mouthed ”sorry” and awkwardly looked away. Vulcan emotion, once awoken, did not fade easily, and I just threw another pebble to the pile of things that he would have to deal with for a rest of the day.
- I will manage - he reassured me. Of course he will, he managed far worse. - And we should not make them waiting too long - added.
I agreed. We returned to the living room and the rest of the family. We spend some time talking, I wanted to know how in their view Earth handled all that what happened through the last year, but they answered dismissively and changed the topic quickly. They definitely doesn’t want to think about it. It probably still hurt, I could respect that. So instead we started talking about theirs grandchildren and how quickly they are growing up. Remedy was sitting between us consumed by coloring book and adding something to the conversation from time to time, while Alder played with blocks on the floor.Later that day, I went with my dad to the local market, as he wanted to give us “some decent, home prepared meal for a change”. To be honest all four of us got use to replicated food, and as much as I liked cooking, I rarely found the time. Beside each of us could eat (and enjoy) different things. There were not much of a space left in a center of our family’s dietary venn diagram, and picking one meal for everyone posed a challenge of its own. But sure, why not? We will manage something, and dad enjoyed cooking as his way of carrying.
Market was a small local square surrounded by cafeterias and filled with stalls. Here local farmers gave out their crops, exchanged gossip with patrons and farming tips among themselves. A community center more than anything else, as most of the people here knew each other, and none of them really needed home-grown crops in the era of hydroponic farms and replicators. But still, it was nice place, semi-crowded, full of chatter and good vibes.
But picking up vegetables was just a small portion of the whole endeavor, as dad also knew almost everyone here. I responded with a smile and some pleasantries at every “Oh my gosh Frank, is that your Elie?” and “Long time no see! How are you?”, and let dad do the most of the talking, as I was completely ignorant about local affairs and didn’t recognized better half of the people that somehow recognized me.
At one moment, I overheard something about a broken shower in the house, and asked dad about this.
- Oh yes, ‘forgot to tell you. - He responded with a hint of embarrassment. - The one downstairs broke few days ago, but other one works. No big deal, ‘was going to ask Gab for help, but it slipped my mind in all of this.
- It’s ok. - I responded, looking at the piles of five kinds of beet roots, trying to remember which is which, because one of them was off limit for Remedy. I should have taken a friggin tricoder with me, that’s what. - You know that ’can fix that, right? - I reminded him, and picked the only vegetable that I was sure about.
- But you are a literary starship engineer!
- So what? - I giggled. - Do you think that we don’t have showers there?
Dad looked slightly abashed.
- ‘cmon. When was the last time you bothered with something so minor?
- Dunno, a month ago? - I shrugged.
- Really? - My response surprised him a little.
- Sure. - I smiled warmly. - We have an everyday life there, you know? It’s full of small things as well. It’s not only space battles and core breaches. To be honest huge part of my work is “go check that” and “fix this”, or panicked “Chief, why it isn’t working?!” from a newbie. - For a moment I drifted back on the starship. - Yes, most of the time I’m sitting in the engineering, checking the readings and handing out tasks, but I do small repairs as well if needed.
Dad get a silent for a seconds.
- Big universe out there, huh? - He answered with a faint smile, but I could see a worry in his eyes.
- Dad, please... - I protested against that point of view.
We both know what he had in mind, but he said it anyway:
- You were here more than a year ago.
- But it’s how service works, dad. - I reminded him. They got lonely, I get it.
- ‘know, but why you didn’t stayed at the Docks?
Please dad, not this again. I sighted.
- We have been there for nine years!
- Is that a bad thing? You at least dropped by from time to time.
It was true. We were in Starfleet, but still close to home. Space Dock One was a quite convenient assignment for us. Even too convenient.
- We stopped learning new things. We needed a change, needed to move one.
- Like ‘said: big universe out there. - He nodded sadly, knowing that his world was always too small for me. But what could I do against the obvious truth? I put a hand on his shoulder, smiled.
- Hey, we’re staying for the Festival, don’t we? - I tried to shift his perspective.
He smiled back, tapped my hand in response. Shit. I should have predicted that. I muster enough composure to not withdraw immediately. Instead I slowly backed off and shifted shopping bag to the other arm, while trying to hide my uncomfort. - I think we have to hurry if we want to be home before dusk. - I half-joked and we moved on. Upon our return we found rest of the family in the living room. Mother was sitting on the couch, reading to children, both of which were tried to sitting on her laps, when Sorik sat with PADD by the window, rearranging new files downloaded from Earth’s network. Mostly books, music, new schematics and various reports from Command. From War. We known enough to realize that the last months were bloody tragic, but I wasn’t ready to see all gruesome details for myself. I didn’t want to know, at least not yet. Sorik look up form the PADD and our eyes met. Not knowing the truth won’t change it. No shit, Commander! But it would change how I feel about it, and I really didn’t want to make myself miserable in front of my parents, right before the Festival. He acknowledged and returned to files.
As soon as Alder saw me again, he slipped under my mother’s arm and ran toward me.
- Ko-mekh, abru. - He demanded while rising bot of his hands.
- Hello, my love. - I smiled at him, took him in my arms, and rubbed his nose with mine. - Missed me already?
He laughed, then clinched to my shirt and rest his head upon my chest.
- You are not letting me go, do you? - I asked.
- Ah! - He admitted with determination.
I couldn’t help a smile and surrendered gladly. I looked also at Remedy, but she grabbed her grandma's arm, as like staying there were somehow less kid-like.
- Ok honey, but you have to move. - I said and help him to get on my back. With arrangement like that I wasn’t the greatest help in the kitchen, but Alder started to watch our work in silence, as Dad started narrating everything to him, visibly enjoying his audience.
Only when everything was set and slowly boiling on the stove, I left Alder with Sorik, and dad with finishing touches.
- ‘wil look at this shower. - I said, picking up standard tool set from the replicator.
Mom get dad a stern look.
- You bothered her with that? - She asked with disappointment in her voice.
- It’s not big deal, really. - I interrupted before dad start to explain himself.
It didn’t help, as mum turn her gaze towards me.
- He suppose to take care of this three days ago. But he forgot. - She proclaimed with a tone of a court prosecutor.
- Yeah, but ’m here, so ‘can fix this.
- ‘know you could - she looked back at Dad - but ‘asked your father.
- Martha... - dad was trying to say something, but again was interrupted. This time by mom.
- He promised, forgot, and now he transferred it to you.
So what? The situation was getting ridiculous.
- Blood and thunder, mom! It’s only a broken shower, not a quest for Camelot!
I felt a wink of slight amusement from the other side of the bond, as Sorik tried to restrain himself from a snarky comment of some kind. I agreed with him.
But Remedy had no composure, so she burst with laughter getting everyone’s attention.
- That’s stupid! - She said, still laughing.
- Yeah, ‘agree. - I nodded, took the toolkit, and went down to take care of this.
- Oh! I wanna help! - My daughter sprung from the sofa and run after me.
As we left, my parents looked at each other, still somewhat angry, but then realized that they are still not alone here. They look at Sorik awaiting some kind of reaction. However he didn’t saw a point in any of this, so he only looked back, raising an eyebrow. Remedy was quite a help, in her point of view at least. She insisted on keeping the toolkit, so she could handing me devices one by one, like it was some kind of surgery. I playfully followed along with an obviously exaggerated seriousness, showing her every part that I interacted with, explaining it’s role and function. It of course made all process slower, but I wasn’t in a hurry, and Remedy definitely understood at least some of it. Also we both had fun: she in learning new things with me, and I: observing her in that state. Her attention span definitely got longer in the course of the last few months, and she understood more and more everyday. Often surprisingly complicated things. She was a real treasure, and watching her and Alder growing up was the greatest reward in itself.
When we finished, I hugged her with all my might.
- Mom! - She protested, but give in with a smile.
I backed off, looked her in the eyes and pat her on the cheek.
- ‘love you, honey, you know that?
- Of course I know. - She responded simply, took my hand and cuddled against it, with eyes half closed. - Love you too, mom. - I faintly felt her presence in our bond, but could do nothing more than welcome it for a brief moment. After few seconds Remedy let go of my hand and added - even when you being weird like that.
I stood up.
- ‘am being weird?
- Duh! - She giggled, marked a big smooch, and run forward to the hallway. - Commander obvious!
Ok, she got me, good one.
- Don’t get too cocky, mate! - I warned her, before she run out of view.
- Oh, but I will! - she shouted, presumably from upstairs.
I shook my head and smiled widely, while picking up the tools. What a smartass that one.  As soon as I returned to the living room, mom intercepted me at the entrance.
- You aren’t going sit down to the dinner like that, right? - She asked, with emphasis on “that”.
- Like what? - I had to admit, I got confused by this question. But mom only kept staring, clearly expecting me to guess her mind. Umm... no? She quickly shift her gaze at Sorik (who was showing Alder shrimp’s aquarium), then on me again. What...? Then it finally clicked for me. - Uniforms?
After fifteen years in Starfleet they become just everyday clothing, rarely worth a mention or thought. She had problem with that?
- It would be nice - she said softly, but without a smile.
Of course she had. I didn’t sighted.
- If you insist. - I responded, backing out. It wasn’t a big of a deal anyway. We have some civilian garbs in the files ...probably. - Just give us a moment or two.
- We will wait for you. - She looked pleased with herself. Yeah, sure.
In thoughts I noticed Sorik. He acknowledged, we left children with my parents and headed upstairs. To be honest I wouldn’t mind seeing my husband in a robe again, it was always a pleasant view. I smiled at him, and in response Sorik slightly lowered his mind’s guard. I giggled, when I felt again a wave of excitement going through my spine. It looks like we were going to get out of our uniforms little earlier than anticipated.Some time after we rested in each other arms, on my room’s bed, immersed in our bond for some uncharted amount of time. There was no universe beyond that, only shared thoughts silently swarming around, present but obscure to the minds, before outside world slowly started creeping back at us. Without no other option but to accept it, we returned slowly to reality. I smiled at Sorik before I finally left his arms, but not the mind. He restfully watched me dressing up into a civilian garment, before getting up himself. He choose brown robe with few red ornaments (in which he looked amazing, as always) picked up our communicators, and we pinned it to inside of our clothes. I kissed my husband on the cheek and we silently left. But I had to admit - I felt uncomfortable without the uniforms, like we just went undercover, despite being right at home. Two Starfleet officers playing civilians - is that what we will be doing for the next three months? As we returned to the living room, my mother smiled at us with visible relief. I granted her that - she just wanted us truly home, not partially still on the ship, and I guess that included leaving uniforms behind.After the meal, I stayed in the living room, partially to help out with cleaning, partially just to hang out alone with my parents. For a time we had a pleasant conversation that jumped from topic to topic until.
- What are your plans from now on? - my Mother asked.
I shrugged, as none of us known exactly. Horizon with her fleet returned once again to Space Dock for repairs. The War was over, and who could know what will become of the Alliance after three months of peace?
- It depends - I responded. - We are on the leave, and after that we will go where Command will send us. Maybe back on Horizon, but right now it is hard to know for sure.
By the looks on their faces, I guessed that it wasn’t a favorable response.
- Back on duty? - Father asked with a worry on his face. - Don’t you think, that you done enough?
- No. - I shook my head. - We always do our best, but it is not about filling some metaphorical jar of social debts, expectation or even war medals. Is about living the lives we choose.
- ‘know - father sighted - but where it gets you and your children?
- To the stars - I respond with a smile, knowing well that it was not what he has in mid.
- And to the battlefield - my mother added. - We heard about it in the news. We saw your ship on the list and we were never more afraid in our entire lives. - She looked at dad, he get her a strong nod.
“Well, that makes four of us.” - ‘thought, but reserved this comment.
- ‘am not going to apologise for that - I responded. - We were there because we had to, because this was a right thing to do.
- But doesn’t it make you to rethink your choices? - mother suggested, as they both clearly counted that their daughter will one day get scared by the big universe and return home. Will never happened.
- No, mum.
- But honey, you could die that day! - My father stated the obvious.
I sighted. They have their own right to worry, I guess.
- Yes, ’know. - I responded. Truly, I was expecting to die in this battle also. Shadow of that dread was still in me, but with every passing day it slowly turned into a sadness.
- You choose your path, that’s great - mother pinned me with sarcasm, as we argued about my career many times before. - But how dare you drag your children into this mess?
How we dared?
- We did everything for them! We were ready to lay our lives to protect them, we fought to keep them safe. - What they were thinking? That we left them just hanging there in a middle of the battle? - So please tell me, how I dared what exactly?
- Take them on the starship, of course. - My father responded, surprised that I didn’t think of that. Really? We were so careless in their eyes? By the last six years Earth was a target of two massive attack that killed hundreds of thousands. In comparison, during that time starships were as safe place as any other.
- It wouldn’t change a thing! - I raised my voice in anger. They known nothing about situation in the quadrant, and still dared to judge our choices, and drag our children into that equation.
- They would be safe on Earth.
- No, they wouldn’t be! - I let my frustration to get better out of me. I paused, calmed a little. - Mum, Dad, if enough of Starfleet wouldn’t show up for the battle, Iconians would have open access to this sector and pulverize every planet in vicinity, Earth included! We were able to fight, so we fought. We had to, because alternative was to let everyone else to die instead!
- But children, they didn’t have to be there. - My mother repeated what my father just said few seconds ago.
- It would have change nothing! - Why they were so unwilling to understand? Time and time again they refused to accept a reality as it was. Not for the first, and not for the last time. Mother looked at me, and even before she opened her mouth I knew that anything of what I said before didn’t get through to her.
- They would be safe home - she said again, while understanding nothing from what I try to explain this whole time. Why?! Why the fuck...?! Agrh!
- Why are you have to be so stupid?!! - I yelled in frustration. I turned on the heel and went the other way.
- Elie! - My father protested. Fuck this, I had enough! I ignored him and left the room, just to get away from them. I loved them, but often they were soo unbearable! I growled and rested my back against the door that just shut behind me. I was back in my old room. Sorik was there, sitting by the window, reading something from the PADD. I known that it was unfair to drag him into all of this, especially when it was so pointless, but conversation with my parents still bubbled in my head, and I needed to get it out.
- Maybe! - I throw the topic into the floor - Maybe next time ‘will die, but at least my life will meant something. - I was completely aware, that in this moment I was preaching to the choir. - And what the hell do they know? It isn’t like they ever did anything useful with their lives!
- This is an unfair assessment - Sorik disagreed with my last sentence. - They raised you and your brother.
- Oh good job! - I throw my hands in the air. - They got children. But you know what? Tribbles are better at this!
He smiled a little, surprised by how much I missed his point, but that expression faded in a blink of an eye.
- Consider this, telsu: not every step has to be a great progress. Sometimes the best that one generation could do, is to make itself a strong foundation for the next one. They raised you, they kept you safe. They create an environment in which you flourished, even if you disagreed on your life’s path. And you still have strong bond. You will always have a home here.
I calmed, sighted.
- Strong foundation? - I considered that perspective. - Yeah, ‘guess that’s fair.
I sat on the bed, run a hand through my hair, and let the last bits of my frustration to go out with an indistinct murmur. Then I get struck by a weird feeling of familiarity. This place, this room, this situation again. Yeah. Being angry at my parents was a sure sign that I was back home.
- Why they never try to argue with you, my love? - I half-joked.
Sorik slide a finger through PADD display, turning a page.
- They don’t feel comfortable enough around me.
He was right, of course. My parents loved me and our children, but despite all of this Sorik still somehow crept them out. They never spend enough time together, never get use to tone of his voice or a body language. In fact, they never took the trouble to understand him at all. Not surprising, as they failed to understand their own children in the first place. Agh... how I hated this house! Why did I ever bother to go back, as I avoided it my whole life?
- We wanted to return for the Winter Festival - Sorik reminded me - and to get our children some time to spend with their grandparents.
- Yeah, at least they have a good time. - I lied on the bed and started to stare at the ceiling.
- At their age, you also were happy here. - he pointed out.
I was. But that was long before I started to have my own opinions and life plans. It definitely has been a simpler and happier times.
- Is that why ‘keep coming back? - I asked myself. - Because ‘still remember this, but keep forgetting how latter years looked like?
- That is a possibility - he agreed.
I stared at the ceiling some more, as in my head I turned this thought around and looked at it from different angles. I guess, I keep coming back, because I still love them, and from that love I keep forgetting how annoying my parents are. And probably from the same reason, they still look forward to my every visit, as they kept forgetting our constant arguments, and all of us hope that it will be different this time. Maybe Adam was right by leaving that part of his life behind, and never returning home? Wherever he was, I hoped that he was happy with his choices. Or at least alive. But I could never do what he did. Despite everything - they were family. It looks like I was doomed to repeat this vicious circle again and again. Annoying as my parents were, leaving them completely would hurt more than our fights.
- ‘had enough - I proclaimed. I wanted to get out of this house, to put some distance, both figurative and literal, between me and them. I turned on my side, looked at Sorik still concentrated on the book. After all this space-madness, he deserved his moments of peace and slow activities.
I got up, came closer to give him a bref kiss to the temple. He looked at me, and I felt a telepathic equivalent of a warm smile. I responded with a physical one.
- ‘think ‘will go to the park. - I said, lightly brushed an edge of his hair. - ‘will take children with me if they want to go, so they would leave you be.
- Thank you - he responded simply.
- See you - I smiled and go toward the doors - ...Commander - I added playfully.
He refrained from a chuckle.
- Commander. - Responded to my joke with a featureless tone. I awwed inside and left him to his silence. We all deserved a break.-------------Sometime later, as me and my children were walking through the streets of New Sydney, I returned in thoughts to the earliest of my memories. I known this places, buildings, neighborhood grew, but did not changed that much. Sound, smells and views, all of this still strong in my memory. As seaside wind dabed my face bringing familiar smell of salt and seaweed, I could almost feel the time shifting and looping over last 30 years.
This is where I grow up and spend great portion of my life. Long time ago they has been my parents who walk this streets, holding hands of me and Adam, taking us to the same park. We played here by long hours, when they talk with the neighbors, reading or having games with others. As Sorik said, for a time we were happy here.
Me and Adam, we started to stand out in classes way back in the elementary school, and that get the attention of both the system and school counselor. It started with few extracurricular classes, few new activities. More in the next year, and the next. After that, our parents got a strong suggestion to got us into middle school with extended learning program. Of course they follow along, as they both were proud of their smart kids, and didn’t want to waste their potential of which everyone kept convincing them about. New school took more time, more classes, but we both were curious, and liked the new place, as well as new friends that we got better along with, as we finally met people in our age that were fun to talk to.
But as me and Adam grow older, we also grow further and further away from our parents. We learned things that they did not understood or worse - where ignorant about. Sometimes wilfully. Theirs day to day worries started to seems trivial, passions painfully mundane, view of the world simplistic and without any nuances. In the end we run out of conversation topics somewhere before the high school. Staying home start to turn into a festival of frustrations, until we finally understood that our parents are just plain stupid. Not parent-stupid, as every teenager could tell their parents are, but just simple, uninteresting people, completely average in everything, that got two highly talented children and didn’t have any idea how to deal with that. To be honest, we did not have also.
It was not surprise to anyone, that after middle school I decided to pursue engineering, as I was passionate about starship technology my whole life. I wanted to go to one of starfleet preps, school which their soil purpose was to slingshot their students into Starfleet Academy, prepare them for tests, and fill their heads with all that they will need to succeed in that task. It offered early training and mock exams. Of course not everyone succeed after that, but again - Academy was a place for the best of the bests.
But that idea ignited a first real feud between me and my parents. They did not want me to go to the Academy ever. For them Space was only darkness and danger, and Starfleet was a death trap sprinkled with ideological lure, and no amount of talking was able to convince them other way. They refuse to signature my papers for the prep, and after a weeks of fights, we settled at civilian school offering robust R&D programs. Boarding one, as I wanted to get out of home as soon as possible. Of course I was determined to go into a Starfleet, even by draft if necessary, and no amount of discouragement was able to dissuade me from that. Not in that moment of course, I still had to wait until my parents were no longer legally in charge of me.
It were fights like that, that taught me to never disclose my plans, if I have a slightest suspicion that they may not approve my choice. This tactic of mine bit them later in the ass in a few separated occasion - my marriage with Sorik included.
I got what I could from my current school, but all I did and learned was directed towards Starfleet Academy exams. I found lots and lots of good materials in the network, and studied that more than my current curriculum, that to be honest overlapped more that I initially thought, at least in the engineering category. I also got myself into community of others starfleet aspirants: some from preps, some in the same situation as me, and even few peoples from previous years that already passed their exams but stayed to encourage and guide potential future cadets. I meet people, we foraged connections, studied together, kept each other on track. It were hard but very productive years, as I did my best not only studying, but training and trying to keep my neurotic tendencies under control. I was aware that test included psychological screening, and nothing would crush my chances more If I would get a panic attack during one of them. They were a thing of my past, but who could know, what will happen during immense stress? Whole second half of the third year for me consisted only of exam’s dates and nervous anticipation between them. Even when I returned home for a summer break, I said nothing to my parents about ongoing tests, and lied about camping trips with friends every time when I have to show up again in San Francisco.
Adam knew, and ability to confide in him was the only thing kept me from screaming out to the whole world, every time I saw PASS next to my name. With every given day, I was closer to my dream and I almost broke under a weight of the suspense alone. At the moment of announcing, I gathered in the night club with almost everyone from the prep forum. Just like in the new year eve, we all counted seconds to the time when the finale results were uploaded to the Academy server. When I saw myself on the list, I break out with tears and hugged with all my might the person closest to me. Congratulations, condolences and encouragement were flying left and right. After that we all celebrated and drank until morning.
Last week of the summer break I spend with Adam, on a real camping trip this time. We spoke a lot, discussed dreams and life plans. He was happy for me, but new that Starfleet Academy will become my new life, and I will be absent even more from now on. But he could follow me in the incoming year, right? If I got in, he definitely could to! But he only shook his head. Adam didn’t want to spend rest of his life under anyone’s command. He wanted freedom and chance to experience everything by himself. He wasn’t sure yet how he would pursue that dream, but definitely wasn’t staying home after 18th birthday. I could only agree.
Despite having a file for a short while since then, I replicated cadet uniform for the first time at the day of the inauguration. In the privacy of my room, I stared for long at the red outfit laying in front of me on the table, knowing that I had to tell my parents eventually. There was no way I could hide from them fact that big. And why should I? This was my dream, what I was working for, what I deserved. I dressed up and finally step out of my room. My parents were shouting of course, angry for many reasons, terrified both for my life and of fact that they lost control over me. Father even cried. I somehow waited it out and said they could go fuck themselves. I was with Starfleet now.
After that we did not speak for almost a year. Of course I got painfully homesick, but kept angry, foolishly convinced of rightfulness of my anger. Having a completely new life filled with new friends, challenges, dreams and wonder, took my mind away from New Sydney. I never, for even a moment, regretted changing one home for another.
It took shock of the Adam’s disappearance to make us speak with each other again. My brother was apparently deadly serious when we spoke last year, and as soon as he hit 18, boarded first flight out of the Space Dock and disappear for good. None of us ever saw him or heard from him again.Remedy let go of my hand, and run forward just to scare a flock of gulls scavenging on the park grass. She laughed when birds flew away in every direction, then she turned and rushed toward brightly colored swings. I watched her with a light heart. The war was over, we were alive, and future once again shined bright. Life goes on. I took Alder in my arms and rubbed his cheek with my nose. He giggled and grabbed my hair. I hoped, for their sake, that I learned a lot from my old mistakes.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Upon returning from the shifts to an empty quarter, I almost immediately went to get a shower. It was one of those days, when everything was on its head. The engineers had their hands full as it was, but with another four people calling sick today, I had to reorganize everything again.
But my day was a far from over. I had an hour before I needed to pick up Alder from physiotherapy, and Cedrik from a day-care, two before Remedy finish her trainings. Sorik suppose to be here in half an hour, worned out from his day the same as I. I could either eat something in peace, or try to catch a snooze. Decisions, decisions.
I got out of the shower, only to see Remedy picking out from her room.
”Oh, hey mum!” She smiled to me, and run to the living room.
Ok, so sleep was then out of the question.
”You are home already?” I asked, reaching for the towel. ”Weren’t you supposed to have training?”
”Yeah.” Remedy shrugged. ”It is hard to have a team practice when almost everyone is sick.”
Was toll that bad amongst kids? ”Are you sure, you feel fine?” Asked with worry, while wiping my hairs with a towel.
”I’m sure.” She nodded and hand me a clean uniform.
I started to dress up, while thinking about situation. If the outbreak got worse, Dr Ree might order a quarantine. Maybe I should pull out Cedrik from day-care center for a while, so he won’t catch anything from other children? But that would force me or Sorik to stay home, and Sorik tomorrow starts three-days flying exercises with half of the defence wing, and with more and more of the staff sick, engineers needed as many hands on deck as possible. Another set of double shifts wasn’t out of the question. Me bailing out to take care of Cedrik will only make things worse. Ugh, I hated those dilemmas. I needed a industrial amount of coffee. Or a mercy kill.
Remedy sat at the bed, tilted her head while watching me.
”Are you feeling sick?”
Blood and thunder, I hope not. It was a last thing that I needed now in my life. I got a deep breath, trying to relax.
”No honey. I am just tired.” I admitted. ”And hungry.”
Remedy smiled widely. ”Oh, I can make us fried rice!”
”Really?” I looked at her with suspicion. She wasn’t that found of cooking, and replicator still worked - at least last time I checked.
But she only nodded and rushed to the small kitchen.
”Sure. You take a rest, and I will cook.”
”If you insist.” I half smiled. My daughter wasn’t her usual self, a sure signs that she was trying to butter me up to something. I sighted and throw myself on the bed, was kinda tempted to accept the bribe.I was able to get a short shut-eye, then was woke up by a sound of doors opening. Before I even rolled to the other side, I heard Remedy running out of the kitchen.
”Sa-mekh! Rom’lashan na’du.”
”La’i, T’Braya.” Sorik responded. I finally got myself awake, turned and looked at my husband.
”I’nashaut.” I said and yawned, as Remedy once again run by the bed, back to the kitchen. Sorik look at her, slightly surprised. I smiled to my husband. ”She is trying to cook.” I chuckled. ”Wanna temp your luck?”
”I had a meal at the mess hall.” He responded, came closer to the bed and we briefly fold our hands in o’zesta. Our minds touched, I missed my husband during this day. ”Any of your pilots got sick?”
”None, as far.” Well, lucky him.
”I think it’s ready.” Remedy came from the kitchen, proudly brining two plates of fried rice and putting them on a low table in the living room. She also look at Sorik, but he nodded. ”I have eaten. I will get a tea.” He went to the replicator and took a pot and two small cups for him and Remedy.
We sat to the table, I tried out the rice. It... was slightly burned, but still better than from replicator.
”Thank you.” I smiled to her, as she looked at me so intensively, that for a moment she forgot about her own plate.
”T’Braya...” Sorik reminded her gently, while taking a sip from the cup. She suddenly woke up at her father voice, then started to eat in a hurry. For a moment we watched her in silence.
”So, what are you selling, honey?” I finally asked her a smile.
”Whaaat?” She tried to play surprised, but no one believed her, and she noticed. ”That obvious, huh?” Remedy looked at the table.
”Quite apparent.” Sorik admitted.
Our daughter sighted in capitulation. ”In four days there will be a ship slipstreaming back to 001 sector. I was thinking to take a ride. I wanna go to Go’an.”
I felt her. In all this crazy, just returning home would be a nice premise. But we had a job to do here.
”Surely, you know that we cannot take a leave in such short notice.” Sorik said.
”Of course, I know!” Remedy was almost offended by that suggestion. ”But V’tik family returns to T’Khasi. I will tag along, and Duvek will pick me up from Space Dock. I talked to him already, and he agreed.” She has her plan figured out. ”I will be fine.”
I looked at Sorik. Remedy was nine years old, probably old enough to leave her out of our sight for little longer.
”Honey, that is fine.” I nodded. ”But how you planning to return?”
”I....” She paused for a moment. ”...didn’t thought about it yet.”
I took another bite from my plate. ”Well, you have to figure it out. Otherwise you might wait months, before there will be ship jumping back.”
Remedy nodded, took a deep breath.
”I’m kinda ok with that.”
I look at her surprised. She wanted to leave for months? ”But you have a school here.”
”There are schools on Vulcan, mum.”
For a moment Sorik was looking at our daughter in silence.
”Why?” He finally asked.
”I something wrong here on Bastion?” I asked.
But Remedy shook her head ”no” then stalled before giving an answer. ”I wanna go on Tal’oth.”
I froze in shock, and a spoon slipped out of my hand. Why? Who.... “What?!”
”No.” Sorik responded simply.
Remedy sighted. ”But why not? I am old enough.”
”Because it’s dangerous. That’s way!” I was shocked, and slightly angry. Who got this idea into her head in a first place?
”Mum! We live in a frontier. Like right now a unknown disease flies around. How much dangerous Tal'oth could be?”
”Living here has some inherent risk.” Sorik admitted. ”But taking that risk is something that we have accept to live here. While Tal’oth is purely optional. It is unnecessary.”
Remedy went silent for a moment, before:
”But everyone do it!” She sound sad and disappointed. By everyone she of course meant her Vulcan friends. At her age fear of standing out was greater than fear of death.
”Their parents made them do it.” I pointed out strongly. ”Your friends have to go. You don’t.”
”Because I’m only a half-vulcan?”
Only? It hurt.
Sorik and I, we tried to raise our children in such way that they wouldn’t see their mix heritage as a flaw. Because It wasn’t. Remedy knew that well, but she pulled that card anyway. I got angry, but Sorik hold down my anger. True to be told - it was a fair question in this context.
”Because Tal’oth is not a practice of our clan.” He said. ”I did not participated, nor my sister, nor anyone born in Stvi-Go’an in the last hundred years. You won’t either.”
”...oh.” Remedy looked back at her plate. ”But some did. Like Duvek. Or C’hik.” She didn't want to let it go, even when we said no already.
”They were born in different clans.” Sorik continued with his signature patience.
”Yeah, they were allowed. Why can’t I?” She moaned.
”Remedy, stop it!” I raised my voice. ”You act like we didn’t let you sleepover with your friends, while Tal’oth is potentially life-threatening. You seriously could die!” I said, watching Remedy backing away ever so slightly. ”I don’t care how many Vulcans made their children do this, because it is nothing more than a pointless dare!”
I saw Remedy trying not to burst in tears, and in return I almost started to cry myself. But she somehow kept her composure, so I was able to keep mine. I sighted and tried to regain my calm.
”I know it is dangerous.” She admitted. ”But it’s kinda the point.”
”Remedy....!” I warned her against continuing this topic.
”But I want to do this!” She begged anyway. ”I know, I can do this! I want to prove myself!”
I had enough. I opened my mouth before Sorik was able to hold me back. ”I won’t send my children to die in the desert!!!” I yelled.
Remedy looked at me, immediately her gaze got ice-cold in a very Vulcan way. She left her plate and stood up. ”You are not going to listen, don’t you?” She accused me in completely featureless voice. ”What I want don’t matter, because you are afraid.”
My train of thoughts froze in place, and I was left alone only with my fear. Tears started to flow from my eyes. Remedy was right, I was afraid for her. Sorik put a hand on my shoulder, and I felt his calming presence in my mind.
”I’m acting like my mother.” I realized grimly, put my hand on husband’s palm.
”You very much do.” Sorik confirmed, aware of the irony. None of us wanted Remedy to risk her life, but we also didn’t want disregard her freedom in the process. I stood up with a sight, nodded. ”You’re right, Remedy.” I admitted, to my daughter’s relief. There was no such thing as perfectly safe life.
”Mum, dad.” Remedy tried to calm me. ”I will be fine.”
”You will be for two weeks alone in the desert.” Sorik pointed out.
”Yes.” She nodded excited.
”But honey...” I sighted.
”Mom, please.” Remedy took my hand, and shared her self-confidence with me, her eyes glowed with courage. ”I want to show you that I can take care of myself. I need you to have some faith in me.”
”I know you want it, but....” I looked away, slightly ashamed. ”I just wish you didn’t.” But she was nine, her teen years were soon about to start. She just only started to do thing that her parents don’t approve of.
”You did not have a proper survival training.” Sorik had a good point. ”None of us know how well you will handle yourself at T’Khasi desserts.”
Remedy was opening her mouth to protest, but Sorik continued. ”If we are going to agree to that, first you have to find someone in Go’an willing to prepare you for Tal’oth. You won’t be allowed to go, until your teacher convince us that you are ready.”
Remedy smiled and hugged both of us with all her strength and excitement.
”That’s completely acceptable!” She said happily. ”You will see, I will be back in no time!”
With mixed feelings of fear, love, and proud - I hugged her back and started to wonder how much Tal’oth was a test for young Vulcans to prove their self-reliance, and how much it was rather a lesson for parents in dealing with fear for their child?
”Don’t rush it, masu.” I whispered. ”I rather you to be prepared. And we won’t say a word if you at some point change your mind.”
”Not a chance.” She giggled, then let me go. Still smiling, Remedy took her PADD and rushed toward the doors. ”I will tell V’tik that I will travel with them!”
I nodded, as she disappeared behind the doors. It was a long way back to T’Khasi. And with survival training a top of that - if Remedy decide to go, she will be absent for at least few months. Why children has to grow up? I started to miss her already.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Hanson to Hanson.” I tapped my badge.“Hanson here.” I heard the response.“Sorik!” I smiled at the disembodied voice of my husband. “Where are you?”“In our quarter.” His tone was calm and clear.“Yeah, but where?”“where...” he stopped for a moment “...is our quarter?” he was definitely surprised by this question.That’s what I meant. “Yeah, where?” I looked around and recognized nothing, just another corridor like many others.“Are you still on the station?”Was I? It didn’t look like USS Maliva, and I could not hear the familiar humm of the warp core. But on the other hand - I had a constant ringing in my ears for quite some time now. “...maybe?”“Ask the computer for direction.”“ ‘did, and ‘m still lost at...” I tried to focus on the inscription at the door in front of me “... something Cargo 6?”There was a moment of silence on the other side.“You are drunk.” Sorik stated the obvious with a featureless tone, but I could hear annoyance in his voice anyway.I snorted. “Of course ‘m drunk! All according to plan.”Another moment of silence. “Wait where you are.”“Yes sir.” I nodded to the void. “Awaiting the rescue.” I giggled and sat down with my back against the wall. It was nicely cold.I looked around at the empty, wide corridor. This part of the station was silent, opposite of the large mess hall that I left several minutes ago. It felt so good to have a full blown party after six months of service and strict life on the ship. But now the party ended, and I was left with good memories, a lot of alcohol still circulating in my blood, and a promise of tomorrow's hangover. Hangovers are the worst! When I was younger, being immune to synthol sounded like something worth bragging about - an excuse to drink real alcohol at parties. Now it felt rather like a curse. Serving in Starfleet meant that I had to plan ahead my every drinking, making sure that ship will be safely docked, and I will have the next day off as well. Those rare alignments happened maybe twice a year, so I always tried to make the most of them.“Can you walk?” I suddenly heard Sorik again, this time the sound didn’t come from the badge. I looked up and saw my husband standing two steps away from me. Instead of the uniform, he was wearing a sand colored vulcan robe, simple but elegant.“Hello telsu!” I smiled widely, so happy to see him.“Can you walk?” He asked again.Oh, right, I was still sitting on the floor. “That’s a good question.” I joked and stood up slowly, careful not to fall over. Surprisingly my sense of balance still worked... more or less. “ ‘think ‘do. So, which way is the way?” I asked and took him by the arm. Sorik looked at me. “I would appreciate the caution.” “Oh, yeah. No touching.” I suddenly remembered, and changed my grasp to make sure that my hands will stay on the sleeves, with a safe barrier of fabric between us. He confirmed with a nod and we moved toward the turbolift.Another downside of drinking: getting drunk clouded the mental link between us, and turned touch-telepathy into an unpleasant experience for Sorik. And he never got intoxicated and avoided parties like a wildfire.Turbolift moved only two levels up, open right at the docking ring. From there home was not far away.“See? ‘wasn’t that lost!” I knew that I would find my way eventually.“You failed to follow the computer's guidance.” He pointed out.I hand waved this. “Like you never got lost!”Truth was - he never did. Damn the pilot’s perfect sense of direction! “Home at last!” I sighed with relief, while taking off my shoes and throwing them in the corner. “Shoes away!” It was nice to dress in civilian clothing for the occasion, and those shoes looked well with the dress but they turned out to be ill fitted for dancing - that of course did not stop me, only made me hate my choice of footwear. The quarter was quiet, warm as always, but today it smelled heavily with vulcan incense.“You were working on something?” I asked, getting closer to the small table set up in the middle of the room. Sorik’s calligraphy tools were still on the table top next to a narrow clay plate with a single word in golic script. “Oh, we have an new kohl-lodzh’a!” I got excited. Sorik had such a beautiful writing style and lots of patience to work hours in scented clay, trying, failing and trying again until the plate will finally come out perfect. “It looks so good!” I leaned over the table trying to read the word. “Se... uh...hik... um? I surrender!” Vulcan calligraphy was too flowy and curly for my drunken eyes to even bother to follow.“guhl'es” Sorik helped me. Damn it, I wasn’t even close! “It is still drying.”“Oh, right!” I backed away, so as not to cause a drunken accident with art. “ ‘love it.” I sat on the bed, trying to get myself out of the dress - and it wasn’t that easy.. “How was your day off?”“Uneventful” Sorik came to the table and started putting away his tools into the small casing. My call for help had to interrupt him during this task. “I had time to read the last two chapters of the Outward Bound”Oh shoot, now I was lagging behind. “Are they good?” Two Outward books in one day? Damn, he was a fast reader.“Quality is consistent through the series.”I smiled at this news. “No spoilers.” I joked.He gave a puzzled look. “It would be difficult to achieve.”I laughed, of course it would be impossible. Our sharing memories and knowledge was usually a good thing, but there were few minor unintended consequences. “ ‘m joking, my love.” I wanted to hug him so much now, but I knew that he wouldn’t like it. I reached to the clasp on the back of my dress and suddenly something torned. “Oh, thunder!” I growled frustrated, and changed my escape tactic into a brute force solution. Who cares? It will end up back in the replicator anyway. “You spend the whole day in the quarter?”Sorik looked at me, slightly amused by my uncoordinated struggle. “Beside a workout in the replimat. It was empty because of the celebration.”Oh, yeh... most of the crew was enjoying their time on the station, along with officers from two other ships docked for the day, leaving behind only a volunteer skeleton crew made of the biggest introverts in starfleet. “You had the whole ship almost to yourself. Finally some quiet, ha?” I took off the last layer of clothing and started to look around for a towel. I had a towel in my hand like five minutes ago.“It was a quiet day.” He admitted. “I got enough time to go through full v'ree'lat.” He talked about the meditation regiment.Workout, reading, meditation, calligraphy. I smiled, it sounded like he kept himself busy in his own way. “Did you rest well?” I widened my search beyond just top of the bedding.“I did.” He admitted with a hint of satisfaction.“Yes, finally!” I found the cursed towel, it of course fell under the bed! With the finding in my hand, I stood up and went toward the bathroom, but I stopped at the door and turned toward my husband. “ ‘m glad you also had fun.” I said gently, and finally went to the shower.Warm water felt so nice after such an intensive day. Sorik and me, we shared some interests and hobbies, but he needed his time alone and I needed contact with people outside the shifts. “Once there was a sailor who loved every wave...” I happily started to sing out loud in the shower, as one of the songs still was playing inside my dizzy head. “...but the waves grew stronger, bigger and grand...” I spent a wonderful day talking, dancing, laughing, drinking and singing. I made a few new friends, drank with old ones, and learned few new songs. “...and the sea inside of me won’t let go..” At some point I started to cry, easily moved by the music. Damn, when I thought about it, this ballad was such a sad story! When the timer in the bathroom turned water off, I was still in the cabin singing through the tears.I ignored chiming at the bathroom doors, and after a few seconds Sorik came in, looked around to assess the situation, then his gaze rested on me. “Are you unharmed?” He asked confused.I stopped singing, nodded, and wiped tears with the back of my hand. “ ‘m fine.”“Why are you crying?”“Because this song is so moving!” I complained, feeling another wave of sadness.I noticed a short glimpse of a smile on Sorik’s face, as he came to understand the triviality of the situation. “I see.” He said and threw me a towel.“You smiled!” I pointed out with satisfaction, while drying my hairs.“Maybe.” He teased me, and I chuckled. “I recommend you go to sleep.”Yeah, it was for the best, I was tired anyway.”You’re right.” I yawned, then got presented with a pajama. “Suuree...” I gave Sorik and the garment a resentful look, but I put it on anyway. No touching when I’m drunk. Pajama or the couch. Respect the boundaries, and all of that. Was I still drunk? Probably yes.I crossed the room on the autopilot, and threw myself on the soft, warm bed. It was such a fun day! I stretched, hugged the pillow and rolled on the side. Through half opened eyes I saw my husband sitting down with PADD on his side of the bed. As always, he will be reading some more before falling asleep.“ ‘had fun today.” I murmured softly, only to grab his attention for a moment. He looked at me. “Glad to hear that.” responded “Rest well, telsu.”“You too, my love.” My consciousness started to drift away into warm fuzziness. “umm... Sorik?” The last thing came to my mind.“ha?”“Thank you for being patient with me.” I said, and if Sorik responded - I fell asleep before that.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I looked at the PADD and saw the message from the school, read it, and sighted. It looked like a change of plans. We decided that he will take Cedrik from daycare, then snatch some fresh takeout at the promenade, while I will go and see why the school counselor wanted to talk in person. Did Remedy somehow get in trouble? I hoped it wasn't anything serious."Parenting yellow alert." I joked. "Regroup and meet back at randevu point." I meant our quarter, of course.Sorik nodded. "See you soon." He said and we parted in the corridor.Not long after that, I showed up at school with my head filled up with thousands of scenarios of what possibly went wrong, and already worried in advance. It didn't help when I met two Ferengi waiting in front of the counselor's office. One of them - the younger one - I vaguely recognised as Irom, one of Remedy's classmates, so the other one was probably his parent. He also wasn't happy to see me, or my uniform. I came closer, nodded towards them, but before I was able to say anything, doors to the office opened and all three of us got invited in.Counselor was doctor Biesad, an older woman, probably Terran (but I never looked at her flies) that was volunteering for the school. ”Welcome, doctor.” I smiled, and raised my hand in ta’al.”Commander Hanson.” She smiled back to me, ”Mister Hoss” She nodded toward older Ferengi. ”I’m glad you both found the time.”Hoss noded back. ”Of course, counselor. I hope to resolve the issue as quickly as possible.”I looked at the couch at the other side of the office. Remedy was sitting there, slightly curled, trying not to get noticed - she was obviously scared and ashamed. Whatever happened, Remedy was most likely the guilty party. ”Hello, mother.” She said quietly. Mother? So it was that serious, ha? ”Hello, honey.” I smiled and sat next to her, hoping to reassure her at least a little. ”If it’s not the murder or the Prime Directive, ‘think you can relax.””Yes, about what happened...” She hung her voice and waited for one of the children to speak up."You don't have to say anything." Irom got warned by his father."That is true." Counselor tried to calm down a nervous parent who just wanted to get his child out of trouble. "But this is not an interrogation. We are here just to help everyone to understand what went wrong, so it won't happen again."”At today’s training...” Remedy glanced at her classmate ”...he completely wrecked the game.”  ”I didn’t!” Young Ferengi protested. ”Nothing happened, it was a normal game.””Only for you.” my daughter pointed out. ”Whole game he passed the ball only to Hani, and ignored everyone else.” Was that the whole thing? After all that happened lately, not being noticed by a classmate was the biggest issue on her PADD. I was partially relieved, amused, and touched. ”Oh, new girl in the team, so what? Suddenly the rest of the team don’t count!”Oh, kids. "Do I hear jealousy?" I asked with a slight smile."I'm not jealous! I am pissed off! Because of this..." she stopped herself from throwing an insult, and instead murmured "... poor excuse for teamwork, the ball didn't even reach my zone. I would be better off meditating the whole time in the corner, than waiting an hour and a half for at least one pass!""I was just trying to make Hani feel welcome.""C'mon! You were trying to impress her, you selfish jelly!""No!" He disagreed, but added "Also: same difference.""Remedy... " I stopped her. "...do you know better than Irom what he was thinking?" It was hard for me to keep calm in all of this, but I tried to stay sharp and act fair in this situation.She looked away frustrated. "No, but he is lying!"She was angry, and was probably right, but also she completely missed the point."How can you prove that?" I asked. "Second: even if - you shouldn't police anyones thoughts."Remedy gave me an angry look then turned away."Why are you taking his side?!""Honey, I am always taking your side. It means protecting you, but it also means helping you with mistakes. And getting into angry fights with your classmates is a serious mistake in my book."She looked at me, at Irom, then at his father, and avoided the gaze of the counselor."He wasted everyone's time." Remedy growled in her defense."Still it was only you who lashed out on him." Counselor pointed out.Remedy didn't have any response for that. "yeah... " She looked down in shame.Dr Biesad turned toward Irom."Do you understand what upset Remedy?" She asked gently.He gave her a quick glance, realized that she still was angry, so he looked away. "I ignored her during the game." Responded slowly and quietly.Remedy agreed with a reluctant nod.Counselor relaxed a bit. We were half way through. "What happened next?" She asked him.Irom in a split second got visibly nervous."She attacked me at the lockers!" He said, almost screeching."I didn..." Remedy stood up in protest but quickly understood that it wasn't her turn to talk, so she sat back, frustrated. Irom squinted in his chair at this sudden movement, hiding partially behind his father. "She came, started to yell in front of everyone, tried to hit me, she even broke my racket!""That was my racket, you balding tribble!" She protested in frustration, then got silent again, at this point realizing that her outbursts would only make this whole thing take longer.Counselor waited a few moments till she was sure that everyone was listening again. "Irom, do you remember what Remedy was yelling?"Young Ferengi shook his head. "Not really. She was very angry."Both me and the counselor watched as Remedy reluctantly admitted to herself that screaming at teammates wasn't a good way to communicate."I wasn't trying to hit you." This time her tone of voice resembled more of an apology."And how could he have known?" I asked. Remedy, when fired up, was wildly gesticulating, and it wasn't hard for me to accept that she did it this time also.Counselor nodded and said:"Remedy, you are almost twice as tall. If you were towering over Irom, yelling, shaking your hands, and breaking things, he had every reason to be genuinely scared of you. Because that is threatening behavior. You are also stronger than most children. It is not hard to imagine that you could seriously harm someone in anger. Your classmates are probably aware of this."My daughter said nothing, so the counselor continued."Do you understand why Irom feels wronged?"Remedy sighted. "I yelled at him. And scared him. It is unethical to use fear."It is not like she didn't know that before, but children are still learning and growing, and self control requires hard work and will to improve.Remedy pinned her sight at the floor. "Are other kids afraid of me?" She asked in half whisper."Now they sure are!" Irom snarled, his father nodded."But I am not dangerous!" She protested. "I don't want to scare people! I want people to like me." Her voice was close to crying, but she was physically incapable of breaking into tears. This view almost broke my heart."Honey, many people love you." I whispered and surrounded her with my arm. I could feel her fear and shame. " 'will never stop." Beside school Remedy hung out mostly with Vulcan children, and they had a physical advantage over her. She wasn't used to considering herself scary to anyone."You have friends in the class and the team, don't you?" Counselor asked. Remedy nodded in agreement."You might have scared them, and some may get more careful around you for a time" she continued "but it doesn't mean that they don't like you anymore. Give them time to cool off. Maybe a few apologies would help defuse the situation?"Remedy turned toward Irom, but he looked away unsure. His father murmured something, then added out loud and proud: "Not today, kid. Try again after you put in an effort." Was he in his view sticking up to some principle? Doesn't matter, at least he didn't demand some kind of bullshit payment ...not from me anyway. I hope he wasn't planning to sue the school.We thanked the counselor for help and booked another visit - this time of course without another family.After we left office, Irom’s  father cleared his throat and said:"Well Commander... " His tone suggested that he barely agrees to recognise my rank. "...I am sad to inform you that I won't tolerate parental leniency. And I don't care what rank you have here, because school doesn't respond to Starfleet. If your daughter lash out again - I won't pull Irom from the team. Instead, me and other parents, we will make sure that Remedy will be kept away from the rest of the kids."Blood and thunder, what now?! It was a grossly unnecessary preemptive strike. He acted... he assumed that Remedy had been terrorizing the neighborhood willy-nilly, and that I somehow let it slide. Sorik and I, we were trying to raise our children into decent people, it is hard work. And yes, young Vulcans have their outbursts, but it doesn't mean that we just handwave the problem. What kind of person did he think I was? He surely got my own blood boiled. I frowned then realized that Ferengi may be right now trying to assess what kind of parent I was. He probably expected an entitled mother who thinks her own importance will compensate for misbehaving of her children. Does he think that I only play concerned parents in front of the counselor? Did he have a bad track record with other people, or rather was measuring me by his own yardstick? I gathered myself and summoned my best poker face." 'm sure you soon realize that it will be completely unnecessary." I said. It will be. This was the first, and hopefully last time Remedy got into this kind of trouble. If not, we might have a bigger problem than the prospect of our daughter getting kicked out of the team.”I concur.” Remedy agreed, but not looked toward him.”We will see.” Older Ferengi responded and we parted in the hallway. I sighed with relief and took Remedy’s hand. ”Let’s go home.” I smiled slightly. On the way to our quarter, Remedy's attention already shifted from the incident and she started to talk about a lot of different things. ”...and everyone started to suck up to her more and more.” She talked about an episode of some show that she watched lately. ”It was getting really awkward.””Oh, so who did she choose in the end?” I vaguely followed Remedy’s retelling.”No one!” My daughter was frustrated by the ending. ”She just sent the tickets away. It was stupid!””Was it?” I smiled, amused and endearing by how much she was invested. ”Would you do something else?””Duh! I would gather everyone and then just roll a dice. That would be fair, and at least someone would go to the concert.”She was smart, wasn’t she? My smile got wider. ”That would be... logical solution.” I agreed, and opened the door to our quarter. Sorik was already there, with Cedrik, Alder, and the food.”Rom’lashan na’du.” He welcomed us home.”I’nashaut.” I responded, Took a deep breath, and entered, leaving part of my day behind the threshold. "Ko-mehk!" Alder ran towards me, I took him in my arms and hugged. He laughed, happy to see me again, calmed down in my presence. ”Happy to see you also, masu.” I responded, and let him go after a moment. We sat down at the table next to Sorik, and I gave my husband a kiss in the temple, then took little Cedrik from his arms. I was glad to be home again.Remedy wasn't. She stopped a few feet away from the table. ”La’i, sa-mekh, Siduk.”  Welcomed her father, and called her brother by his Vulcan name. Despite greetings, she acted like she was trying to somehow avoid everyone.”La’i!” Alder waved to his sister, but decided to stay firmly next to me.”La’i, T’Braya.” Sorik calmly nodded towards our daughter. ”Do you want to join us?” Asked, unpacking today’s dinner without hurry.She observed him for a moment before deciding to speak again. ”You are not angry at me?””I am not.” He assured her. ”Was I ever?”Remedy shook her head then came to sit at the other side of the table. ”But why not?” She sounded almost disappointed. ”I don’t see any benefit of that.” Sorik handed her a plate of vegetable-stuffed dumplings and Remedy's eyes brightened at the sight of her favorite dish. ”Seems like you already understood your mistake.” She nodded, but didn't look satisfied by this answer. Sorik noticed it, so he continued. ”Things like that happen, T’Braya. I might as well get angry at you for tripping in the hallway. Is it better not to fall? Yes. Could you avoid it by being more careful? Usually, yes.” As he talked, Sorik handed me fresh vegetarian sushi. It smelled perfectly. Only now did I realize how hungry I was!  ”Still anyone who has legs tripped and fell at least once, and it would be pointless to anger over that.””I see.” Remedy brightened up and slided her plate closer. ”Did you ever get angry? Like at all?””It is unavoidable.” He admitted. ”But I learned not to act on it.” Sorik took for himself a bowl of pre tarmeeli, and judging by the smell - extra spicy. ”At your age, I also struggled with anger.””Really?” She sounded relieved by this information, took a large bite rendering herself unable to speak for a moment.”Back in Go’an I trained susmanah. It is a highly competitive sport, after losing a duel, anger was easy.””And quite pointless.” I added, giving Cedrik a small piece of vegetable. For a child that young solid food was still more of a curiosity than a meal. ”Getting angry at someone who bit you up just a moment ago.”Remedy snorted at my joke, swallowed a large portion, then turned back at Sorik. ”What helped, sa-mekh?””Building my discipline” He gave her a boring and obvious answer. ”and realizing that I don’t train to win, but to self-improve.””But you don’t train anymore, ha?””Only as a workout.” He nodded. ”I haven't been in a duel for a long time, as my service and pilot practice took priority.”Our daughter sighed and for a few moments focused on the meal.”Why couldn't I just join V’tik and others?” She suddenly returned to the topic.Sorik and I, we look at each other. Truth was, many young Vulcans on the station were basically home schooled by different members of the community. ”Because we are not on Vulcan or Earth. Bastion is home to many different species, it is better for you to learn in the company of other cultures.” I said.”And how do you know?” She was a little frustrated. ”Both of you went to a normal school.”She was right, we have got our early education back on our respective home planets, and our integration in the larger society of the Federation didn’t start until Starfleet Academy.”That is an interesting point.” Sorik admitted. Maybe Remedy was right and we asked too much of a nine year old? We didn’t want to raise our children in isolation, keep it to “our own people”, as many do. We wanted them to grow up surrounded by a multitude of perspectives that the Federation offers. But on the other hand, learning to navigate a society of even one species was enough of a challenge for a kid. Maybe all that the Federation at once is too much of a mess? Maybe instead Remedy needs teachers and peers who are more likely to understand her?”We will think about it.” I promised. ”Really?” Her eyes brightened with hope, but then she frowned. ”When?” Remedy demanded a hard deadline, so the promise won’t fade away into a vague future of “later”. Fair, I guess.”After our next meeting with the Counselor.” My response seems to satisfy her.She nods in a very vulcan manner. ”I will look forward to it.”