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The beach during sunset is a sight to behold. The soft gold of the sun begins to fade away, pinkish wisps of cloud taking its place. The sun retires, and the moon begins to rise in the sky. Ryan can faintly make out its presence.
Tonight is the last night before the full moon, a Waning Gibbous, as Gabe had called it. Ryan doesn't care what it's called, he just knows that it's a countdown to the inevitable.
He swallows, kicking sand into the water. He wants to scream, wants to shout and cry and wail, but it won't do any good.
It won't stop what's coming.
***
"How is he?" Ryan asks softly as he returns to their motel room, wincing at the expression on Gabe's face.
"The same," He says simply. "I went to the public library, went on Google and scrolled through what must have been 100 pages... I can't find anything."
"And have you been able to see anything in his future?" He asks, holding his hands behind his back and crossing his fingers. He ain't superstitious, but, well.
He'll do anything for a little bit of luck, at this point.
"I'm sorry, Ry. I haven't seen anything in his future." Gabe says softly, looking distressed. Ryan knows that he's upset. He's losing a bandmate, a friend.
And Ryan is losing a lover. The thought makes his chest ache, and his stomach lurch unpleasantly. Gabe gnaws on his lower lip. "I'll keep trying, though," He adds, and Ryan smiles, a bit of hope still remaining. At least, until he looks up to the words hovering above Gabe's head.
BRENDON IS GOING TO THE SEA.
***
Ryan counts Brendon's slow, soft breaths as he sleep. In. And out. In. And out. One, two, three. Even in his slumber, Brendon's breathing is too shallow, too uneven, and Ryan wants to burst into sobs.
Suddenly, Brendon's eyes aren't shut anymore, they're wide open and staring at Ryan inquisitively. Ryan gives him a small, brittle smile. So, he wasn't sleeping. "Can't sleep?"
"How could I?" Brendon asks, shivering. He's pale, too pale, and his skin has a green tinge to it. "I've accepted it, but... I'm still scared," He admits, sitting up slightly. Ryan knows the simple movement took Brendon lots of effort, too much effort, and he cradles him against his chest gently. "How can you just accept it?" Ryan asks, awed and confused. Brendon is a fighter, and yet.. he seems to have given up.
"I'm a siren, Ryan. A siren who grew up without the ocean nearby. Landlocked. Now, it's my time to go." He whispers. "I don't want to, but... it's calling to me. I turn 18 the day after tomorrow. After that, I won't be able to resist."
Ryan nods, closing his eyes. He knows the story, he's known ever since Gabe grimly announced it to the band after Brendon collapsed during practice. He just can't accept it, can't accept the fact that he's going to lose Brendon.
"What does it sound like?" Ryan asks quietly. Brendon inhales, biting on his lower lip. "I can't describe it. Haunting. Tempting, too."
"Do you want to go?" Ryan asks softly, afraid of the answer. Brendon blinks at him owlishly. Instead of answering, he stands, walking to the window of the hotel and gazing at the roiling waves of the ocean. "I can hear her, you know. She's part of the ocean," He breathes. Ryan frowns. "Who?"
"My mom. I never told you about her before, did I?" He asks quietly. Ryan shakes his head, frowning. His mom has been absent for his entire life, Ryan knows, but that's all Brendon's said.
"She was a siren. Obviously. My dad met her in the late 80s on the beach, and they fell in love, had a summer fling. When he went back to Utah, he never expected to see her again, until one night, he had an urge to return to here. He got up in the middle of the night and drove without stopping, and they found each other. She just handed him me, and swam off without saying anything." He said softly. "I always kind of despised her for just pawning me off like that, y'know? But I get it now. The ocean is beautiful, but it's so treacherous. It isn't a place to raise a baby."
Ryan wants to scream. Brendon is speaking as if the fucking ocean, something he's never even stepped foot in, is a living, breathing thing. Even worse, he's speaking with a soft fondness, as if addressing a well-loved cat or a dear friend. "Do you want to leave?" He asks, and Brendon swallows. "I don't want to leave you. But... I can't stay away from it, Ry. It'll kill me."
"And what about me?!" Ryan snaps. "Being away from you will kill me."
Brendon gives him a sad look. "We're young. You can... can move on." He whispers, voice cracking and eyes filling with tears. Ryan scoffs. "Seriously? Brendon, what the Hell?"
Brendon presses his lips together. "Ryan," He says softly, lips quivering. Ryan waits, but he doesn't say anything else, just stands there and cried. He looks broken, and in that moment, Ryan knows that there's no hope.
Swallowing, Ryan walks over, enveloping him into a hug. "I don't want to leave you," He whispers, and Brendon sniffles, holding him closer. Fearfully. "I don't either. But it's fucking irresistible."
Ryan knows the feeling, remembers it vividly. Brendon hasn't used his true voice on him, or any of their friends in a while, but he remembers the feeling--an irresistible urge, the feeling that Brendon was drawing him in. Ryan would have done anything Brendon said.
"Do you think we'll ever see each other again?" Ryan breathes, finally voicing the question he was terrified of asking. Brendon hesitates, swallowing. "I don't know. I wish I did."
Ryan nods numbly. "What about the band?" He asks. "F-Fever just came out. People will worry." He breathes, and Brendon cries harder at the mention of the music. Ryan knows what it means to him. Being a siren means you rely on your powers for music. Brendon always took pride in the fact that he could play multiple instruments. "You sing. Like we originally intended. Between you and Gabe, the band will be fine. I'm just the mouthpiece... you guys will be fine."
Ryan's heart aches at that, and he shakes his head. "Your voice is better than mine, stronger. And you're the spirit of the band, B. You are so much more than a mouthpiece." He mumbles into Brendon's shirt, and Brendon hugs him tighter. "And you're more than you think." He mumbles. "Promise me you'll go on without me? You have so much to offer, Ryan."
Ryan laughs in spite of his sadness, feeling himself begin to tear up. "You sound like a character with cancer in some cheesy Hallmark movie." He whispers. Except, unlike the cheesy Hallmark movie, Brendon will not miraculously get better. He will become more and more ill, and more and more drawn to the ocean, and then he will be gone. "I don't want to offer anything to anyone but you," He says simply, and Brendon chuckles, the sound low and deep. Ryan tries to memorize it, tries to mentally bottle it up so he can let it swallow him whole once Brendon is gone. "Now who's the Hallmark character?"
Ryan just shakes his head, holding him tighter. It's all he can do now.
***
They spend the next day together as a band, just the five of them. Spencer takes them out to Brendon's favorite Indian restaurant on the West Cost, that they found on their first tour. It's a small place, packed between a quaint secondhand shop and a bookstore, a little hole in the wall. They crowd around a table, Brendon's head on Ryan's shoulder, and munch on naan as they wait for the food to be served. Brendon links his pinky in Ryan's, looping their legs together.
The mood is slightly stilted, Ryan notices. Well, no shit. They're all dancing around what's going to happen the next night. Still, they're at least talking, although Ryan is less focused on the conversation and more so on Brendon, who is playing footsie with him under the table. He can't help but smile. Even though things are chaotic, Brendon still is his teasing, playful self. To an extent.
"What are we going to tell them?" Alex asks suddenly, and the facade of a happy lunch is shattered as everyone's eyes land on him. No one speaks. "The fans, I mean. The label. Bren, I hate to bring this up, but... you're leaving us in a tricky situation."
Ryan notices Brendon's jaw clench, and yet all he says is, "Sorry to inconvenience you? Ryan and I talked about it, a bit. We're... you're... just going to say that I disappeared."
Alex nods slowly. "But what if one of us gets in trouble? People don't just disappear." He says, and Brendon shrugs, clearly not wanting to be apart of this. On one hand, Ryan can't blame him, but on the other, he kind of brought this upon himself. Ryan wishes there was no bitter resentment bubbling inside of him, but, well... there is. "He has a point, B," He says softly, and Brendon pulls away, giving him an annoyed look. "I disappeared. No body, no motive, no problem," He says firmly, and Spencer clears his throat. "Brendon. I love you, man. But... the fans and the cops aren't going to see it like that. We're getting bigger every day. Tupac, Kurt... when famous musicians die, the conspiracies start rolling in."
Gabe gives the rest of the table a disgusted look. "Guys. Come on. This is our last meal as a band, our last time with Brendon. We can figure this out later... for now, eat."
"Our food isn't here, Gabe." Spencer attempts to joke, and Ryan and Alex wakely titter. Gabe sighs, chuckling slightly in spite of himself, and Brendon can't help but join in either, Ryan notices. The weak chuckles eventually turn into real laughter, and they're all loudly guffawing as their food arrives.
***
Ryan watches tearfully as Brendon holds Gabe tightly. Gabe whispers something in his ear, fierce yet soft, and Ryan doesn't try to make it out. It's their secret. Slowly, they pull away, and Spencer practically holds him flush to his chest, hugging him sadly. Ryan looks away. He hates seeing Spencer cry, and he HATES seeing Brendon cry. Only Alex isn't present. Ryan can tell that Brendon is trying to look unbothered by it. Finally, after softly mumbled goodbyes are uttered, Gabe and Spencer leave, and Brendon and Ryan are alone. He looks at the clock. 11:30.
Brendon clearly sees it too, and he walks towards Ryan, hugging him. "I'm sorry," He breathes, hiccuping. "I have to."
Ryan swallows, squeezing him tightly. Something about that wording irks him. Combined with Brendon's defeated attitude over the past days, a murky sort of feeling bubbles up in his chest. "Well," He hears himself say, "you don't
have
to."
Brendon doesn't say anything, just sucks in a breath. "Please don't pick a fight," He whispers. "This is our last bit of t-time together, please don't pick a fight."
Ryan pulls away angrily. "It doesn't have to be our last bit of time! You could resist the urge, B! We could go back to Vegas, it's landlocked! Or even Utah! Hell, we can move anywhere you want, and we could hide away together, B!" He cries, and Brendon glares. "Don't you think I've thought about that?! I asked Gabe, and do you wanna know what he told me? I'll die!" He snaps angrily.
Ryan crosses his arms, "Your dad! He's mortal! You're half mortal, aren't you? We can get you a good doctor, we can fix you up, Bren,
please
!" He bemoans, and Brendon whirls around. "I can't, Ryan. I'm sorry."
Ryan glares, anger rising up inside of him. "If you really fucking cared, you'd stay!" He snaps, and Brendon freezes, turning around. "That's what you think this is about? Me not caring? Fuck you. Fuck you. My brain has been waging a fucking war on me, I'm literally tearing myself apart! For YOU. I've resisted my instincts for YOU, stayed for YOU. I do care!"
"You aren't staying, though!" Ryan screeches, and Brendon glares. "I stayed for as long as I could, Ryan!" He snaps, and Ryan just shakes his head. "Go, then," He says, voice cracking. He sounds broken. He is broken. Brendon blinks, trying to speak, but Ryan shakes his head. "No. If you're going, then go."
Brendon swallows, meeting Ryan's eyes. Slowly, he nods. "Okay." He says softly. "I love you."
Ryan doesn't answer, and Brendon doesn't wait for a reply, simply standing and quietly exiting the hotel room.
For what feels like an eternity, Ryan just stands, staring off into space. Brendon's gone. He's gone.
What has he done?
Glancing at the clock, his heart leaps into his throat. 11:57.
There's still time. Swallowing, he runs down the hall of the hotel, bursting out the front door and onto the beach. The place they chose had a private back area, atop of a cliff overlooking the sea. It's raining, Ryan notices dimly, fucking pouring, but it doesn't matter. He just to find Brendon.
Inhaling, he shrieks his lover's name, desperately blinking cold rain out of his eyes. He hears thunder roil in the distance, low and deadly, and the sea is grey and churning. Amidst the chaos, he sees him. He's dry despite the rain, the mark of a true Siren, and Ryan calls for him again. Their eyes meet, and Ryan freezes in his tracks, just staring. Slowly, without looking away, Brendon lifts a hand to his lips, blowing a kiss before taking off into a run, gracefully diving off of the cliff. Ryan's heart leaps into his throat, and he screams desperately, the sound of a man who has lost everything. "Brendon!" He cries, running forward and gazing over the cliff.
All Ryan sees is seafoam, shaped suspiciously like a person, before it bubbles away into nothingness. Suddenly, he's reminded of the Grimm Brothers, the huge storybook he'd pour over at the library as a child. The original Little Mermaid didn't end with love and laughter--the mermaid threw herself into the ocean and turned into foam, rather than joining her sisters.
Slowly, Ryan begins to sob, his body heaving as he stares up into the sky, rain plastering his hair to his skin and leaving him soaked to the bone.
Ryan's never been a Religious man, but he prays to whoever is up there that this is the right choice. Closing his eyes, he stands, staring down at the ocean. Brendon was right. It's so beautiful, and he can see why his love was so drawn to it.
He lets himself fall forward, and as the cold water surrounds him, he smiles. It isn't so bad.
Almost feels like a lover's caress.