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Hunnigan wasn’t one to usually participate in the “team spirit building days” that director Shepard liked to arrange at least once a year (usually around December since he loved combining the office Christmas party into the same event, like he had this year). “Team spirit building day” was a fancy way of saying “Let’s do an activity together for an hour and then get drunk, the D.S.O. is buying”. Contrary to what people thought, Hunnigan wasn’t against the events because they were a gross misuse of taxpayer money; she was against all forced socializing, always had been. Getting stuck in a room with a bunch of (eventually drunk) colleagues wasn’t what she considered “fun”.This year, she’d made an exception after hearing that the mission would be to hike up to a cabin in the woods and then spend the night there, get drunk, and get a ride back home in the morning. Truthfully, she’d done it to protect Helena. She didn’t think anything unseemly would happen at the cabin between all the agents, but she knew Helena was still considered a newbie at the very least, or at the worst, some still considered her a traitor to the country for her involvement regarding the events that led to the President’s death.And that all in the most petty possible way summed up to Helena being forced to do the “team work” alone and hike up to the cabin by herself. Helena was the only one who hadn’t been assigned a partner to work with at the agency, and she’d seemed rather pleased about it to be honest, but like the agents’ daily work, this too could get dangerous if attempted alone.
They weren’t all going to just walk up a neat little path for twenty minutes and end up at a luxury cabin, where would be the challenge in that? Each of the six pairs of agents were to be dropped off at undisclosed locations in the woods and they’d be given the same tools to navigate their way to the cabin, whoever got there first won the race and got to sleep in the bed... because it wasn’t a luxury cabin, it was what could be sold with the word “comfy”, which was a nicer way of saying it was about the size of a shoe box and had only one bed; the pairs coming in second or later would have to settle for sleeping bags on the floor.All the agents wore a GPS tracker so they could be found if they did manage to get themselves lost, so that was a thin comfort of sorts, but Hunnigan had no intention of losing the race. Everyone was expecting her to, of course they were, she wasn’t even a field agent, but she was determined to make sure that after this year’s event, no one would ever underestimate a competitive and skilled (if only in theory) desk jockey.The agents were mixed up a little so that everyone had someone else’s partner for today, an exercise to encourage making friends with other people than just the ones you saw daily. Hunnigan made her way over to Helena before it would become obvious no one else would. Not getting picked had a way to hurt in more ways that one would imagine such a small act of being excluded would. Or maybe I’m just projecting my own insecurities, and Helena would be just fine without me, Hunnigan mused. Way back when she’d been the runt with the glasses, she’d accumulated a ton of experience on being the last one to get picked and on just how bad it felt. That was also when she’d learned she had a burning passion to show everyone what happened when you underestimated Ingrid Lee Hunnigan. Most of the time she got her chance to show off by managing to be the one who had saved the game by to scoring the one more point the team had needed to win. Not always, that kind of thing only happened in inspirational Lifetime-movies.Hunnigan hadn’t noticed how ridiculously competitive she could be until she’d realized she’d spent most of her youth playing sports just for the joy of proving everyone wrong, not because she’d particularly enjoyed the game. She still remembered the moment it had dawned on her. After her growth spurt, it had become all too obvious that basketball was the sport she should be playing, because what else could a 6′ 1″ girl do, she sure as hell wasn’t going to be a figure skater or a ballet dancer (at least that was how her mother had presented the case to her). It had made sense at the time, she hadn’t been bad at the game, on the contrary, it was what had earned her a scholarship, but her main motivation to play was gone when she realized she had nothing to prove.
I am not enjoying this at all.
The thought had sped through her mind with the subtlety and force of a freight train after a game her team had won. She’d never enjoyed the sport as much as she’d enjoyed proving people wrong (a charming personality trait in anyone, she was sure), but there was no one to prove wrong anymore because no one was underestimating her. If anything, it was the other way around, they expected her to do a great job just because she was the tall girl. Meeting people’s unwanted expectations wasn’t much of an incentive.So, she’d quit and focused on doing things she enjoyed, things that challenged her enough to keep her interested. There wasn’t much use for her competitiveness in her line of work, but when an opportunity for clear, direct competition (such as a little race to the cabin in the woods - intentionally ominous, director Shepard had found it hilarious but he was a strange man in many ways) was there, she wasn’t about to pass it up, especially because she knew no one would expect her to win the race. Well, me and Helena. The two underdogs with a vicious bite. Team work for the win. Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself, maybe she doesn’t care enough to make an effort to win and then I’ll be pissed off, Hunnigan mused as she and Helena were dropped off at their starting location.“Three minutes and we can move,” Helena said after checking her watch.“Okay. Ready to kick some ass?” Hunnigan asked and Helena chuckled.“I’ll hold them down, you beat them up.”Helena admitted she wasn’t at her best currently; after what had happened this summer, she’d spent a lot of time slumped in a depression which had manifested as her not bothering to take care of herself like she’d used to. She’d eaten poorly, drank too much, smoked too many cigarettes, and half-assed her training sessions during the three days of the week when close quarter combat-training and other physical fitness-training were mandatory at the agency. She hadn’t begun getting better about it until a couple of weeks ago, and months of inactivity were showing easily.“Would you slow the hell down?” Helena humphed as she tried to keep up with Hunnigan who vaulted herself over a fallen log with ease, her legs not even touching the layer of fluffy snow on top of it.“I’d rather you hurried up,” Hunnigan responded but paused to wait for Helena to make her way over the log as well, only she didn’t do quite as graceful a job of it as Hunnigan had done.“It’s easy for you to say, you’ve got legs up to your tits, I gotta take three steps where you only gotta take one,” Helena argued and defiantly stopped to dig a bottle of water from her backpack and took a long swig from it as Hunnigan stood by, impatiently shifting her weight from one long leg to the other.“We’re almost there, the sooner you hurry up and move, to sooner we get to the cabin.”Helena agreed that she’d rather get there before it got really dark and before the wind escalated to a storm, it was unpleasant as it was, the force of it turning the flakes of snow into icy needles that pelted her face. Within the next half an hour, it had turned into a full-blown storm, Helena and Hunnigan making it to the cabin barely before the worst of the storm hit.“Well, look at that, we’re the first ones here,” Hunnigan said rather happily.“I bet the others turned back when they saw the storm coming,” Helena mumbled. Considering how fast Hunnigan had insisted they make their way over to the cabin, Helena was ready to assume the others had barely gotten started making their way over when the storm had hit since Hunnigan was probably the only one who had actually cared about winning the race. Helena was willing to bet serious money that Leon was still at the drop off point with Sherry, getting drunk while Sherry busied herself by texting with Jake Muller.“Maybe so, but I don’t care; I win, I rule,” Hunnigan said and did what Helena assumed was her victory dance, and the way she moved would’ve made Shakira proud. Helena chuckled and kicked off her shoes before removing her jacket.“Well, Shepard certainly put some effort to catering,” Helena said as she looked around the kitchenette. There were several bags of various chips on the counter, a few cases of beer on the floor, various bottles of rum, vodka and whiskey, several large bottles of soda, and three gallons of water. She peeked into the fridge and found milk, butter, cheese, and a large tray of lasagna, covered in plastic wrap. She assumed Shepard had intended for that to be dinner once everyone had made it to the cabin.“Oh, great,” Hunnigan said sarcastically from across the room. She sat on the couch, her legs crossed, one foot tucked under her thigh for warmth while she rubbed the other with her hand, holding her phone in the other.“What’s wrong?” Helena inquired and grabbed a beer from the fridge and replaced it with a warm one.“Shepard sent a message to go back because the storm is supposedly going to get really bad.”“Well, seems we were right about the others then.”“I let him know we’re already here, so they won’t worry or waste time looking for us, and he said it might take a day or two before they can come pick us up.”“There’s plenty to eat and drink, I think we’ll be fine. Or we can probably try hiking back in the morning if you feel like it? I have full confidence in your navigational skills,” Helena smirked.“Yeah, maybe. Let’s see how it goes in the morning,” Hunnigan said and put the phone away.“Indeed, so how about we just relax and enjoy winning the race, huh?” Helena suggested and offered Hunnigan a can of beer.“Cheers.”***
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“Okay, okay... never have I ever... gone ass-to-mouth,” Helena said and Hunnigan raised the can of beer as if to take a drink, which was the way of saying “I have done that” according to the rules of the game. Helena’s eyes widened at the gesture.“I’m joking!” Hunnigan laughed and put the can down.“I’m not sure I believe you,” Helena smirked.“As if I would ever do something like that. Besides, my ass is exit only.”“Who said it had to be your ass?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“Ew, that’s nasty!” Hunnigan laughed, finished her beer and popped open another one. They’d been drinking for a couple of hours now and they’d finished the cold ones in the fridge, but at this point, the temperature of the beer didn’t really matter.“Never have I ever... been arrested,” Hunnigan then said and Helena drank from her beer.“I was thirteen and shoplifting, but I only took food and candy so I just got a small fine for it,” she explained. “Never have I ever needed glasses.”“Low blow,” Hunnigan scoffed and drank from her beer. “Never have I ever shoplifted,” she then shot back and Helena chuckled.“I’m running out of things I haven’t done,” Helena said and belched from the corner of her mouth, not bothering with manners at this point of the night, she was relatively certain Hunnigan was more than familiar with normal bodily functions that followed from drinking excessive amounts of beer.“Same, maybe we should switch to another game.”“Who would you rather have sex with: Leon or Shepard?” Helena began and Hunnigan snorted, a dribble of beer leaking from her nose.“Um... don’t tell this to him, but Leon. I have a valid reason for why him,” Hunnigan answered and wiped her face with her hand.“Which is?”“Shepard comes across as the type of a man who would be like ‘I’m gonna fuck you so hard your womb ends up in your ribcage!’ and that would kill me. Whereas Leon comes across as the type of a guy who would actually take direction,” Hunnigan explained, and Helena burst out laughing.“I see your point.”“What about you, who would you rather?”“Neither.”“Come on, that’s not how this game works!”“You’re just bummed out because you didn’t think to say that when I asked,” Helena taunted.“No, I’m bummed because you’re not playing by the rules,” Hunnigan said.“Yeah, but I wouldn’t sleep with either one because I’m a lesbian the thought of any guy trying to put his dick in me grosses me out and, frankly, makes me a bit angry. I’m sorry, but dicks are nasty-looking. Not to mention I’ve heard too many horror stories about men and their lack of basic hygiene to be able to even look at a man without assuming he’s got skid marks in his undies,” Helena made a face.“Well, you’re probably not completely wrong,” Hunnigan chuckled. “But I will say my ex-husband has a beautiful penis.”“Are you trying to make me throw up?”“I’m serious! It wasn’t too vein-y or oddly discolored
or weirdly shaped like most of the dicks I’ve had the displeasure of seeing.”“See a lot of dicks then?” Helena smirked.“I don’t understand why men think women want to see their dicks, but I hope I scared a few guys badly enough to discourage them from ever sending unsolicited dickpics again.”“Oh yeah? What did you do?”“I responded with a picture of a used tampon.”“That is genius,” Helena laughed.“I thought so too until I ran into a guy who asked me to send more. And that’s when I quit trying to date online,” Hunnigan chuckled.“Once again, I am so... so happy I’m a lesbian.”"So, you're saying women can't be nasty? Because I refuse to believe that.""No, you're right, women can be just as bad, or at least very nearly as bad," Helena trailed off, becoming oddly serious suddenly. Hunnigan frowned and was about to question it when the lights flickered and the power went out.The cabin was equipped with most modern amenities but there was also a wood-burning stove which doubled as a heater for the winter, a fact for which Helena and Hunnigan became very grateful for rather quickly.“Well, now I’m thinking we shouldn’t have had that much beer considering how easily it runs through you,” Helena pursed her lips and slowly began to make her way over to her backpack to dig out a flashlight.“You do realize toilets work with gravity and water, not electricity?” Hunnigan pointed out.“Yes, but the pump which gets water from the well and into the tank from which the toilet gets its water works with electricity, meaning that once that tank is empty, we’re outta water,” Helena explained, turned the flashlight on and pointed it toward the ceiling, the light reflecting from the wood illuminating the entire room.“Oh, crap, you’re right. Well, if it’s any consolation, the pump did just go off not long ago, so the tank’s probably nearly full.”“That’s good news, we’ll just have to ration the water,” Helena nodded and went to grab a few pieces of firewood from the large wooden crate set in the corner of the room.“It’ll be fine, besides, I’m tired, I think I’ll just call it a night, so I won’t be wasting any more water today,” Hunnigan shrugged as Helena worked to light a fire in the pit to keep the cabin warm through the night.“That works,” she nodded and closed the cast iron hatch once she’d gotten the fire going. Hunnigan disappeared into the small bathroom to brush her teeth while Helena went to unroll her sleeping bag.“You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” Hunnigan said when she emerged from the room and saw what she was doing.“I wasn’t planning to, there’s a perfectly good couch right here,” Helena chuckled.“I meant we can share the bed if you want,” Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“It’s fine. We got here early because you have a disturbingly wide competitive streak, so the bed’s all yours, you’ve earned it,” Helena smiled.“Suit yourself.
Good night,” Hunnigan said and went to the bedroom.Helena folded her jacket into a makeshift pillow, slipped into the sleeping bag and zipped it up. She closed her eyes, silently wondering how long it would take before the cabin would get cold. Judging from the draft, not very long after the fire was burnt out. Wood popped and shifted in the stove. The wind made quiet whistling sounds as it rattled through the small cracks in the walls, the noise of it melding into the soft hum of the flames. Helena relaxed and let the sounds drift her off to sleep.Hunnigan was the first to wake up, feeling a bit thirsty thanks to drinking last night, and feeling more than a bit cold. The fire had been out hours ago and the cold wind had stolen the warmth from the cabin shortly after. She got up, got dressed and grabbed the blanket, draping it over her shoulders and wrapping it around herself.“Oh, damn...” she exclaimed quietly when she emerged from the bedroom and realized it had been snowing the entire night and there was a pile of the white fluff reaching up high enough to cover the windows nearly completely.“What?” Helena jolted awake and sat upright in an instant, her hand reaching toward the small coffee table on which she’d left her handgun. Hunnigan didn’t question why Helena evidently couldn’t sleep without having a loaded gun nearby, but she was relatively certain it had something to do with Helena’s traumatic experience of having been kidnapped in the middle of the night from her home by Simmons’s men.“I don’t think we’re going anywhere for a while,” Hunnigan nodded toward the windows. Helena put the gun away and ran a hand over her face, pausing to vigorously rub her eyes.“Well, we could dig our way out I guess,” she suggested and yawned. Hunnigan went to the door and examined it for a moment.“Yeah, except the door opens outward meaning it’s blocked,” she said and confirmed her suspicion by trying to push the door open. It didn’t budge.“I could remove the door from its hinges if I can find something to use as a tool.”“Another good idea except the hinges’ screws are accessible only if the door is open,” Hunnigan pointed out.“At least tell me the power is back on.”“I haven’t checked, but I’m guessing it isn’t. It’s too quiet.”“Quiet?”“Yeah. There’s a very subtle high pitched noise that’s present when there’s power, you wouldn’t notice it until it’s gone and you realize how quiet it is... like right now,” Hunnigan said and flicked the light switch back and forth to make sure. The light remained off.“So, I guess we’re stuck here for a while longer,” Helena mumbled, stood up and stretched, her T-shirt hitching halfway up her midsection as she raised her arms, revealing a row of scars crossing diagonally across her abdomen, healed puncture wounds which looked rather severe, leaving Hunnigan wondering how Helena had not gotten ripped to shreds by whatever had caused them. Helena noticed Hunnigan’s stare and tugged the hem of her shirt down.“I got these back in Tall Oaks when Leon and I almost got eaten by some weird mutated fish-shark-thing,” she explained and shuddered involuntarily at the memory of being dragged underwater by the creature.“Yes, I remember reading about it in your report, but I hadn’t realized how bad it was,” Hunnigan said.“Yeah, well... I lived,” Helena dismissed with a chuckle, excused herself and headed over into the bathroom while Hunnigan went to get the fire going again. After managing it, she rummaged through the cabinets in the kitchenette, growing increasingly worried when it was beginning to look like she wouldn’t find any coffee.“There you are!” she sighed in relief when she found the unopened package in the back of the cabinet behind the eggs, flour, bread, sugar and jam.“I think we need to find a cold spot for the stuff in the fridge, the last thing we need is for the food to spoil,” Helena mumbled after emerging from the bathroom.“The bedroom has a narrow ventilation window which opens inward, we could put some stuff on the window pane.”“Excellent,” Helena agreed and opened the fridge, took out the food and carried it to the other room.Hunnigan put water into a pot and left it on the stove while she detached the filter basket from the coffee maker and prepared the grounds. Once the water boiled, she held the basket over the decanter and poured water over the grounds, and waited for it to drip through.“Here you go,” she smiled and handed a mug of coffee to Helena once it had finished brewing.“Oh, nice, thank you!” the younger woman accepted it happily and returned to the bedroom to pour some milk into her mug. Hunnigan drank her coffee black. She went to the table by the window and grabbed her phone. There was no service.“Damn it,” she sighed and switched the phone to power saving mode.“What’s wrong?”“Phone’s out. How’s yours?”“Useless as well,” Helena said after checking. “But, Shepard knows we’re here, I’m sure he’s working to get us extracted as we speak. Granted, it might take a while since it seems the storm isn’t letting up,” she then said and took a seat at the chair by the table.“I know, I’m not worried about that. Frankly, I’m enjoying the chance to take a break,” Hunnigan said and sat on the table, peering outside over the generous amount of snow piled over the window.“So, what’s the problem?” Helena inquired.“I was supposed to call my son. I don’t think Shepard’s necessarily realized to inform Major about the situation, so they might not know I’m out of reach for now...”“Major who?” Helena frowned, still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Hunnigan had a child; she couldn’t say why but Hunnigan wasn’t the kind of a person who came across as the motherly-type. Granted, Helena had to admit she hadn’t known Hunnigan very well or very long, so she probably wasn’t in a position to make accurate assumptions about her.“Major as in the ex with the beautiful penis I told you about,” Hunnigan elaborated with a smirk.“His name is Major?”“I know, I know, don’t look at me, I didn’t name him,” Hunnigan chuckled into her coffee before taking a sip.“Does he have a little brother named Minor?” Helena asked and Hunnigan’s laughter erupted as a sharp exhale through her nose which sprayed coffee back over her face.“Oh, God,” she coughed and laughed as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.“So, you and Major Pretty Cock have a kid?” Helena inquired after Hunnigan had gotten herself together, and Hunnigan nodded. She unlocked her phone and dug up the photos.“His name is Seeley, he’s three years old,” she said and showed Helena a picture of the child. In the photo, he sat on the floor on a colorful carpet, a generous amount of large Lego blocks scattered around him. He was smiling happily to the camera from behind his fist which he appeared to be trying to fit into his mouth whole.“He looks so much like you it’s absurd,” Helena smirked and Hunnigan laughed.“Yeah, well, at least I know for sure that he’s mine,” she jested.“So, considering how young Seeley is, I’m assuming your divorce is recent.”“Major and I were divorced before I even realized I was expecting. Seeley was conceived during one of those classic ‘Let’s have sex once more for old times’ sake before I move out the last box of my things’-occasions. Admittedly, not one of my proudest moments, but I have no regrets regardless,” Hunnigan disclosed, unsure why she told all of this to Helena, it wasn’t like her to divulge personal information (especially if it was this sensitive) to another with such ease.“Was it a messy divorce?” Helena asked and took a sip of her coffee. It was beginning to get cold.“No, there were no hard feelings or drama, we just... went our separate ways.”“Oh, come on, that’s boring, didn’t you fight even just a little?” Helena teased and Hunnigan smiled.“Occasionally we argued over little things, sure, but no fighting. I think that was part of the problem.”“How so?” Helena frowned.“Because there was no passion, I’m passionate only after someone brings it out in me. Like, normally, I’m lukewarm, but I can be brought to a boil. He just never did that because Major is exactly the same as I am in that respect, so there was no fire, no energy, no passion. A marriage between two bores is bland.”“I get it, I’m the opposite, I’m likely to boil over unless someone cools me down.”“Well, I did once threaten to burn down a diner after they served my onion rings smothered in ketchup, but I was pregnant at the time, so it was probably just the hormones,” Hunnigan recalled and Helena laughed at the mental image of Hunnigan doing that.“I’ve never before heard about a couple breaking up because they don’t fight.”“Hah, maybe so, but that’s what happened,” Hunnigan smiled.“How long were you two together?”“About ten years. Imagine how shocked and appalled my parents were when we divorced. After all, there is something so very pathetic about a divorced woman near her mid-thirties, especially if she has a kid,” Hunnigan rolled her eyes at the memory of the remarks her mother had made.“Let me guess; it went something along the lines of ‘who’s gonna have you now’ and ‘he’s a good man and a good father, who cares about passion’. How am I doing?”“Eerily well, spoken like someone who has experience on the matter,” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.“For me the commentary went something along the lines of ‘just find yourself a nice young man to look after you and forget this nonsense about liking girls, it’s unnatural’. I find young men unnatural,” Helena said.“All I can really say from personal experience is that you will like yourself better when you stop listening to other people when they tell you what you should like. It took me a long time to realize that,” Hunnigan said quietly.“I’ll drink to that,” Helena said and clinked her coffee mug against Hunnigan’s.“So, now that you’re up to date about my non-existent love life, you tell me about yours. Got a girl waiting for you at home?”“Naw. Where your problem was not enough passion, mine is the opposite; I have terrible temper and people don’t generally find that an attractive trait,” Helena smirked ruefully.“If I ever figure out a way to trade personality traits with others, I’ll gladly give you some of my boring dispassion if you give me some of your fire.”“Deal,” Helena chuckled. She got up and went to add more wood into the stove to keep the cabin warm.“What do you wanna do today? Not that there’s a lot we can do being stuck in here,” Hunnigan then asked. Helena pondered on it for a moment and grinned when an idea came to her.“Well, I know something that’ll keep us entertained for a couple of minutes,” she said as she rummaged through her backpack. She finally reached the object at the bottom and pulled it out.“A book?”“Not just any book, a terrible romance novel.”“You read romance novels?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow in disbelief.“Hey, don’t judge, they’re brilliant if they’re well-written, but sadly, a lot of them aren’t. That said, the bad ones are funny as hell. Just say the word and I will do a dramatic reading for your entertainment,” Helena said and wiggled her eyebrows.“This has all the makings of a good time. Go for it.”***
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“‘I fingered and licked his nipples, and ran my tongue down his washboard abs. I undid the buttons of his jeans that had gotten too small for his manhood. He had a beautiful straight penis which pointed directl to the ceiling’, " Helena read and paused for a moment to glance at Hunnigan. "Did you write this?" she quirked an eyebrow."Even if I had, I'd never admit it,” Hunnigan laughed.
"All right, where were we... 'His erection was huge and I wrapped my fingers around his love tool and more blood rushed into it. I began to take care of him with my hand and he moaned in French. I bent over and licked the tip of his sweet love arrow. I was worried I wouldn't be able to fit his huge maleness into my mouth even but the excitement of the situation made it so easy that I managed to get his sword almost all the way, deeper than I ever had before. Lust fogged my mind and I sucked on his member faster until he picked me up. I straddled him and rubbed my passion-moistened petals against his-'" "Passion-moistened petals!" Hunnigan guffawed.
"I know, right? Why not just say 'pussy' and be done with it."“I'm not a fan of that word either, but I agree, it would be better than the petal-thing."
"I'm sure it gets worse," Helena said, cleared her throat and continued reading." '...passion-moistened petals against his penis and kissed him. He was a very good kisser and groped my ass while we kissed. I couldn't hold on any longer so I guided his fiery brand to my glistening portal. I began riding him faster, the length of his huge throbbing manhood rubbed my G-spot and I rubbed my clit with my fingers. He saw how close to coming I was and it aroused him even more. I began to moan-' ""In French or English?" Hunnigan interjected and Helena smiled but didn't comment." '...moan as the first wave of my orgasm reached me. It went on and on and my moans made him climax and we came together.' "
art commissioned from
Jaden G.
“C'est la chose la plus stupide que j'ai jamais entendue,” Hunnigan rolled her eyes.
“Well, now you’re just showing off. Also, I understood none of that.”Hunnigan smiled but made no effort to translate what she’d said, and Helena didn’t ask.
“Are you hungry?” she then asked and Helena nodded, putting the book away. Hunnigan got up and checked the cabinets for the ingredients to make sure they had everything.“Bring me the milk from the bedroom, would you?” she requested and Helena went to grab it while Hunnigan measured flour into a bowl and cracked a couple of eggs into it. She then added the milk, mixed it all together and added a pinch of salt.
“We’ll have crêpes in no time,” she said and took out a cast iron skillet from the cabinet. “And they are going to be delicious, I guarantee it,” she added and Helena quirked an eyebrow.“Oh, really?”
“Yeah! You don’t know what tasty is until you’ve had crêpes cooked on wood stove and in a cast iron skillet with real butter, just like grandma used to make,” Hunnigan smiled.“My grandma was an alcoholic and also a devout Catholic who believed it was okay to act like the devil himself for a week and then wash it all away once a week in Mass,” Helena mumbled.
“Oh...” Hunnigan said softly, glancing at Helena, unsure what to say exactly.“She didn’t like me because I kept getting in trouble and because I proudly proclaimed my lesbianism as soon as I was old enough to know what a lesbian is,” Helena scoffed. “She had a wooden hairbrush the size of a damn tennis racket, and she wasn’t afraid to use it when I misbehaved. Only, in her opinion, my existence was synonymous to misbehaving so I got hit a lot,” she continued and seemed to visibly snap out of the memories, straightening her back and sitting up properly.“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” she chortled awkwardly.
“You can tell me anything,” Hunnigan assured and put the skillet onto the stove. She went to grab a stick of butter, unwrapped it and coated the skillet’s surface with butter before pouring in the batter. She then shook the skillet in a circular motion to spread the batter into an even, thin layer and let it cook.“You know, as far as I know, the Catholic church doesn’t actually have anything against homosexuality, it’s the gay sex they consider a sin because it’s a selfish indulgence since there’s no chance of procreating. So, if you're celibate, you're fine as far as the church is concerned,” Hunnigan mused and flipped the crepe.
“Well, shit, I wish I'd know that before. How did you get to be so knowledgeable about everything?” Helena chuckled softly. She could ask any random thing and Hunnigan would just know some fact about it for sure.“I like proving people wrong which means I need to do a lot of research, and after all that trouble of learning the facts, they tend to stick with me,” Hunnigan explained, plated the crêpe and sprinkled some sugar on it while it was still hot, the grains melting on the surface of the thin pancake.“I don’t think grandma would’ve really listened to facts, it wasn’t like her,” Helena laughed a little.“So... what exactly happened to your parents?” Hunnigan inquired, hoping it wouldn’t be too forward. She had read Helena’s file and knew only that they had passed away when Helena had been five years old, but there hadn’t been details mentioned.“They died in a car crash. When grandma would get drunk enough, she’d tell me my dad had done it on purpose. She didn’t say why he would’ve, but of course, it was implied that she believed it was somehow my fault.”
“I seriously doubt she was right about that.”“I agree, but you know how it is, sometimes the way a person’s mind works doesn’t make sense, so of course I believed her.”
“Well, you have a point,” Hunnigan agreed quietly and stacked the second crêpe over the other before preparing a third.“When I turned seventeen, grandma practically signed me up in the military before I’d even blown out the candles on my birthday cake. Kidding, I didn’t get a cake,” Helena smirked. She told Hunnigan she’d gone to Afghanistan, and Deborah had stayed with her friends before going to university and moving into the dorms. Eventually, her grandmother had passed away in her sleep, her heart had given out.“I was sure her liver would be the first to go, but no. Better that way, I guess, at least she didn’t have to suffer,” Helena shrugged one shoulder a little, her tone of voice rather indifferent. Hunnigan couldn’t imagine it was easy to not wish ill toward someone who spent the entire time they knew you putting you down and being physically abusive.“Enough about my sucky life, tell me about you,” Helena then said. Hunnigan finished the last crêpe and moved the skillet to the side before taking the plate over to the table by the window.
“Oh, not a lot to tell,” Hunnigan began, went to grab milk to drink with their breakfast and brought over the jam from the cabinet.“Indulge me, I know nothing of you,” Helena requested, spread strawberry jam on her crêpe and then rolled it up before taking a bite.
“How far back do you wanna go?” Hunnigan chuckled.“Well, start from your parents, what are they like?”
“My parents emigrated from the Dominican Republic in the late seventies... and just as I’m saying this, I’m realizing I might just be an anchor baby,” Hunnigan smirked and Helena laughed a little.“There are worse things to be. Also, you weren’t joking, these crêpes are to die for!” Helena exclaimed and began to devour a third one.
“Glad you like them,” Hunnigan smiled. “My dad’s a cop and my mom’s a teacher. I have a younger brother, his name is Nolan. As for me, I studied programming in college and afterward I worked at the FBI as a network engineer before the DSO was formed and I was hand-picked to work there as an intelligence officer.”“So, where does Major come in?” Helena grinned.
“He’s an FBI special agent who goes around breaking up human trafficking rings and taking down drug cartels. You know, for someone who is so boring as a person, he has a very interesting job. Same can be said about me,” Hunnigan laughed and grabbed another crêpe.“I don’t
think you’re boring.”
“That’s because you’ve been stuck with me only for a day,” Hunnigan snorted amusedly.“The bedroom is freezing,” Hunnigan gasped as she emerged from the room two seconds after entering.“Well, we did use it as a fridge,” Helena laughed. She hadn’t gotten into her sleeping bag yet, she was still putting firewood into the stove for the night to keep them warm. The thermometer screwed on the wall by the window said the temperature had dropped to 5°F, Helena assumed it might be even lower since the thermometer was covered with a layer of snow which ironically could be keeping it warmer than it was.“Bring the mattress over here,” Helena suggested.
“I can’t, there isn’t one. I mean, there is a mattress topper over the box spring but it’s practically useless as far as comfort and support goes.”“You can take the couch and I’ll sleep on the floor, I’ve got my sleeping pad with me, so I can use that and be fine.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”“You didn’t, I offered,” Helena smiled and grabbed her sleeping bag, preparing to move it onto the floor but Hunnigan put her hand over Helena’s arm.
“Or, we could do the sensible thing and you give me the sleeping pad and put it over the almost useless mattress topper.”“Or..! Or... wait for it...” Helena drawled and Hunnigan humphed, amused by the unnecessary dramatic pause.
“Or you could just get in the sleeping bag with me, that way we’ll even keep each other warm through the night,” she finished her sentence and shrugged one shoulder a little.“You’re going to regret inviting me when you realize my feet are icicles and nothing helps. I guess it’s because I’m so tall, my heart isn’t strong enough to pump blood way the hell down there.”
“Not a problem,” Helena assured and dug into her backpack, rummaging around it for a moment before triumphantly pulling out a pair of dark gray wool socks. “Well, I mean, this helps with cold feet, not your heart,” she elaborated with a crooked smile.“Unbelievable,” Hunnigan laughed.
“Believe it,” Helena nodded and handed the socks to her. “I always come prepared. Hey, there’s a new way to pass the time; try to guess what’s in my backpack,” she chuckled then and stripped her outerwear before sliding into the sleeping bag.“Something to do over coffee in the morning,” Hunnigan agreed and undressed too before putting on the socks.
“Damn! You’re like... ripped!” Helena’s eyebrows rose when she got a chance to take in the fact that Hunnigan had a swimmer’s body. She didn’t even know why it had never occurred to her that Hunnigan would be the athletic type outside office hours and possess a fit body under the semi-boring gray suits.“I do a lot of yoga because if I don’t, my back will kill me. When I was expecting Seeley, I had to stay at the hospital for a couple of weeks because I couldn’t walk. The way the pregnancy was reshaping my everything messed my back pretty badly and I had to use a walker to get around,” Hunnigan said and slipped into the sleeping bag.“That sounds terrifying,” Helena said.They took a moment to find a comfortable position and after a while of awkwardly shuffling and scooting around, they finally settled down, Hunnigan spooning Helena.“It was, but once I passed the first trimester I was allowed to do yoga and other exercises, so that helped. Since then, it became kind of a hobby. Not that I have a lot of time for those nowadays with how my work is and with Seeley, but still.”
“Well, I’m glad it works for you. Ah, this is good, you’re so warm and comfy,” Helena sighed, pressing her back tighter against Hunnigan.“Right back at you. Good night,” Hunnigan smiled. Helena mumbled a response and closed her eyes. However, there was one thing she couldn’t let go without an adjustment. She interlaced her fingers with Hunnigan’s and moved her hand a little so that it was no longer resting over Helena’s lower abdomen.Hunnigan didn’t seem to pay attention and Helena knew she was being ridiculous and a bit shallow, but truthfully, she didn’t want Hunnigan to be able to feel the round softness which had accumulated on her belly over the past few months. Helena knew she didn’t really look like she’d put on weight and most of it had gone to her breasts, and she also knew no one else would even care, but she cared, and it made her oddly self-conscious.It was silly. If the person who had gained weight were someone else, she wouldn’t give a good God damn because it didn’t matter, it didn’t change anything. But when it was herself, she was oddly embarrassed. I’m being weird, she thought before drifting off the sleep, still holding Hunnigan’s hand in her own.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena woke up and blinked slowly as she took a moment to remember where she was. At some point in the night, she had turned around and was now facing Hunnigan, her head tucked underneath Hunnigan’s chin, their arms around each other. She then became aware of the fact that Hunnigan was gently stroking her back in slow, smooth movements. Helena smiled a little and closed her eyes for a while longer, deciding to take a moment to enjoy the warmth and coziness of being cuddled up with Hunnigan.“You awake?” Hunnigan whispered.“Yeah.”“Okay. I was worried, I think you were having a nightmare, but I didn’t want to wake you.”“I was? I don’t remember any of it,” Helena mumbled.“Probably better that way. Sometimes when I have those, they leave me feeling all jittery for the entire day,” Hunnigan commented.“Thanks for holding me, though.”“Anytime,” Hunnigan chuckled. “I do think I owe you an apology, you wouldn’t be stuck here if it weren’t for me,” she added.“I’ve actually had a really good time, so I think I should be thanking you. I know you like think you’re boring, but actually, you’re really good company,” Helena smiled.“I’m sure you’ll change your mind if we end up being stuck in here for like a month,” Hunnigan jested and Helena pulled back a little to be able to look at her.“I doubt that,” she said. “I need to use the bathroom but I don’t want to get up, I’m so warm and comfortable here,” she then sighed.“Same,” Hunnigan said and also made no effort to get up. Helena noted Hunnigan was still caressing her back. She didn’t dare to mention it because she worried Hunnigan would stop if she did. Instead, she relaxed in Hunnigan’s arms, enjoying the warm hand caressing her skin.“I know I’m staring, but I can’t help it, I’m only just now realizing how blue your eyes are, and that you have... like... eyelashes and everything,” Helena said sheepishly and Hunnigan laughed softly.“Most people do,” she pointed out.“You know what I mean, I’m not used to seeing you without your glasses, they conceal details remarkably well,” Helena said. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” she then asked.“No,” Hunnigan said softly and smiled, “but I am contemplating on turning this into a competition.”“You want to have a staring competition?” Helena laughed in disbelief.“Yes. The winner gets to stay in the warm comfortable sleeping bag while the loser has to get up, light the stove and make coffee.”“All right, I’m game.”“You’re going down, Harper.”“Phrasing!” Helena giggled and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“Ready? Go.”Initially, staring right into another person’s eyes when they were barely an inch away was kind of funny because it was awkward, and they both found themselves laughing a little and smiling about it until their faces hurt. But after a while, it shifted from that to oddly intimate. I want to kiss her, Helena thought, and before she even fully knew what she was doing, she found herself leaning toward Hunnigan, intent on closing the gap between herself and the taller woman, and pressing their lips together.“What’s that sound?” Hunnigan asked and turned her head toward it the door.“I... don’t... it sounds like an engine,” Helena mumbled, unsure if Hunnigan had realized her intention or not. She was disappointed at the interruption as much as she was grateful for it because she didn’t want to think what would’ve happened if she’d managed to kiss Hunnigan.
What is wrong with me?
“Huh, I guess Shepard finally found a way up here and the storm’s passed,” Hunnigan said and began to crawl out of the sleeping bag. Helena sighed and got up as well.“You guys still breathin’?” director Shepard’s muffled voice came through the snow and the door shortly after the engine’s sound slowed to a steady idle rumble.“Yes, we’re fine, just stuck,” Hunnigan called out as she got dressed.“Nothing to fear, Johnny’s here! We’ll get you out in no time,” Shepard said and the sound of shovels digging into the snow could be heard shortly after.In a couple of hours, they’d been dug out, they’d cleaned up the cabin, packed their stuff, and were in the backseat of a snowcat Shepard was driving, the other agents who’d come to help taking the other one back.“I hope you weren’t too traumatized,” Shepard said over his shoulder.“I can’t speak for Hunnigan, but I actually had a good time.”“I did too, so don’t worry,” Hunnigan agreed.Once back in town, Shepard informed them they’d need to spend the night at the local hotel since the roads back to the city were still partially blocked.“I don’t mind, I just want a long, hot shower,” Helena told him when he apologized about the situation. She understood it wasn’t really his fault, apparently no one had predicted the severity of the snow storm, she couldn’t expect him to have either.“Same here,” Hunnigan said as she accepted the key to her room from Shepard who’d made the reservations and checked them in earlier.Helena got in the shower and sighed a little as she squeezed a handful of shampoo out from the tiny bottle left on the shelf. The more she tried forcing herself to stop thinking about how she’d almost kissed Hunnigan, the harder it became to stop thinking about it. Why did I do that? she asked herself once more as she lathered her hair thoroughly. Oh, you know why. You’ve been touch starved your entire life, it’s no wonder you go from “Hello” to “I love you” the moment someone shows any affection for you, Deborah’s voice echoed in her mind.“I refuse to be that obvious,” Helena answered it out loud, but of course, she knew it was probably true. That combined with her almost desperate need for validation from any authority figure didn’t leave much room for other possibilities which would explain in detail why she behaved the way she did.It didn’t take a professional to figure out her need to please and impress stemmed from the fact that she’d never gotten praise or affection from the authority figure closest to her (namely, her grandmother) when she’d been a child. Add to that separation anxiety mottled with abandonment issues and a buttload of physical abuse laced with good old guilt over her sexuality spewed on her by the deranged alcoholic Helena spent her entire life trying to please in vain, it was a miracle she hadn’t turned out more fucked up than she had.
And let’s not forget Sergeant Good’s influence on your messed upness.
Helena scoffed at the thought. Sergeant Good had been a highly regarded officer and Helena’s superior when she’d first enlisted. She’d also turned out to be a rapist. Helena still felt odd using that word about a female, but that was how it had been. Unless there was another word used to describe someone who performed sexual acts on another without their consent.Helena had never reported it. It was the military, women were bluntly told they should practically expect to be raped at some point of their career; no one wanted to hear it, suck it up, princess, it’s what you signed up for. It was hard enough to convince someone to investigate when the rapists were male and there was evidence; Helena had known better than to make a fuss, reporting it would’ve gotten her laughed out of the army, you had to be a man to rape someone, and if you were and did, people were reluctant to believe that too.Soldiers were supposed to be honorable men and women serving their country, their valor and integrity should never have to be questioned. That was what Helena too had naively thought before enlisting and seeing that soldiers were only human, and just like any other people, they could be cruel, mean, and abusive.They were flawed heroes, but no one wanted to see that side of it all. Everyone was happy with the illusion that they were valiant idols to be worshipped for their sacrifices, and most of them were honorable men and women, but what so many failed to realize was that the title of a soldier didn’t magically transform a lout into an honorable person, quite the contrary; at its worst, the title gave a free pass to those looking for ways to get away with their depravity.Helena suspected someone had come forward at some point because she’d later heard Sergeant Good had been given “other than an honorable discharge”, implying a whistle had been blown but nothing had stuck, so the army had just gotten rid of Good before she’d become a major PR problem. There were times when Helena regretted never saying anything because if she had, perhaps she could’ve saved a few others from having to get the same “Welcome to the army”-treatment from Sergeant Good as she’d gotten, but it was pointless to dwell on it now. None of this has anything to do with Hunnigan, though, Helena thought as she rinsed her hair.
You sure about that? She took you under her wing and single-handedly saved you from the death penalty, you are grateful and want to make it up to her, but the only way you learned to thank people and gain their approval was through Sergeant Good’s actions because she was the first one in your life to tell you that you did well... as fucked up as the situation the compliment was given in was, it was still a compliment.
Helena sighed. It was messed up, but there was a lot of truth to the thought. When she’d looked back on it all later, Helena had realized Good had known exactly which words to use and which strings to pull to groom Helena. Like any other narcissistic psychopath, Good had been very convincing when she’d twisted it all around until Helena had believed her self-worth was measured by Good’s approval.
Hunnigan’s not Sergeant Good but you crave her approval and the only way you learned to get it was by giving head and allowing yourself to be groped.
“Stop it!” Helena snapped at herself but the memory of being pinned against the sergeant’s desk, the tall officer’s unwanted touches offending her skin, the way her breath had sounded and smelled, everything was already coming back to her with force.
“You have a cute little pussy, don’t you?”
“Shut up!” Helena growled and punched the wall furiously, the tile breaking under the pressure but not before attempting to do Helena’s knuckle the same courtesy.“Ow, cocksucking bitch!” she cursed at the pain that pulsed in her hand and radiated up her forearm, knowing full well she had no one to blame but herself and her knee-jerk reaction to punch something when she became agitated.She got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around herself and grabbed a plastic bag before heading toward the door. She yanked it open and stepped outside with the intention to grab some snow into the bag and use it to press against the bruised knuckle to prevent swelling, but she literally walked into Hunnigan who’d been at her door, just about to knock.“Oh, God, sorry, are you okay?” Hunnigan chuckled, her arm wrapping around Helena’s midsection to stabilize her when she faltered.“Yes, I’m fine, I just...” Helena mumbled into Hunnigan’s shoulder, stealing a moment to enjoy being held by Hunnigan. The pain in her hand and the cold wind assaulting her still wet skin yanked her back to reality soon enough, though.“What are you doing here in just a towel?” Hunnigan frowned at her as she pulled back from the impromptu embrace. Helena told a white lie about how she’d gotten injured while slipping in the shower and explained she’d come to get snow for a cold compress. Hunnigan ordered her to go back inside and grabbed the snow for her.“I came to give you your socks back,” Hunnigan then said as she sat next to Helena on the couch and handed her the bag of snow.“Nah, you can keep them, I have a feeling you’ll have more use for them, my blood circulation is fine,” Helena dismissed with a smile.“How’s your hand, are you sure it’s not broken? Can you make a fist?” Hunnigan fussed and Helena slowly balled her hand into a fist, grunting at the pain but somewhat amused and warmed by the excess concern Hunnigan showed.“It hurts, but I can move it, I think it’s just bruised,” she said aloud then.“Okay,” Hunnigan said and Helena knew she didn’t believe her lie about slipping for one second. She looked like she wanted to mention it, but decided against it, and for that, Helena was grateful.“So. Shepard is still hell-bent on having an office Christmas party. Don’t ask me how, but he managed to reserve the ski lodge for it. Will you be there?” Hunnigan changed the subject.“Um... I don’t know. I’m not sure if I have my ugly Christmas sweater with me,” Helena said and Hunnigan cracked a smile.“I thought you always came prepared and had at least that and possibly a fancy cocktail dress in your backpack.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Well, look at you, Helena scoffed internally at herself as she stood in the bathroom stall and stared at her stomach after buttoning up her jeans. In reality, she hadn’t gained more than ten pounds of weight over the past months and she knew it wasn’t anywhere near enough to put her even close to being overweight, but as minor as the swell in her abdomen was, it bothered her. It was an embarrassing manifestation of how she’d neglected herself. She, of all people. She knew better. She could do better. But she had intentionally chosen not to. She had no excuse for putting on the weight, and that was what she hated about it the most.She tugged the hem of her shirt down and was about to exit the stall when she heard two agents enter and a familiar name in their conversation caught her attention. She remained still and quirked an eyebrow, deciding to eavesdrop. It wasn’t her fault they didn’t think to check the stall.“My problem is that Harper wasn’t prosecuted or at least fired,” a voice said, accompanied by the sound of high heels clicking on the tile floor and a shadow moving until the agent stopped in front of the row of sinks with her friend.“Cut her some slack, you make it sound like she’s incompetent,” the other agent scoffed.“Who says she isn’t?”“Her record, she’s the top of her class at everything.”“Yeah, according to Hunnigan. Everyone knows Harper’s her pet, or need I remind you of the gross abuse of discretion she displayed just to save Harper’s ass?”“And need I remind you that Hunnigan and Harper are the reason the person actually behind the treason was caught? I don’t see a problem with how the situation was handled.”“Oh, please. Even you have to admit every other person would’ve been sent to the electric chair or at least gotten fired for doing half of the shit Harper did. Doesn’t it make you wonder?”“Wonder what?”“Why Hunnigan is so quick to commit atrocities for her little pet,” the agitated woman said. Water drummed into the sink and the sound of paper towels being torn from the dispenser followed.“You’re paranoid.”“And you’re gullible. Look, all I’m saying is I sure hope Harper’s cunt is worth risking the national security for.”“Don’t be gross.”Helena balled her hands into tight fists, barely registering the pain in her right hand, the white hot fury bubbling inside her drowning it out. She was willing to swallow the anger over being accused of being incompetent or even over having her own integrity questioned, but she couldn’t tolerate them dragging Hunnigan into it.Helena inhaled deeply through her nose and let it slip out past her lips in a long, shaky exhale. She imagined stepping out and grabbing the trash-talker by the hair and repeatedly slamming her head against the edge of the sink until there’d be nothing left but a messy pulp. She imagined tackling her down and stomping her teeth in. She imagined several increasingly violent scenarios, and then, for the first time in her life, she paused to consider the consequences of going through with any of them.
Don’t do it. You can tell yourself you’re defending Hunnigan’s honor or whatever the hell it is you want to believe, but the truth is, you’re the only person who wants this. You are her protégé and your actions reflect on her, so for the love of God, don’t.
It was a strange limbo to be stuck in, between being so angry she felt physically ill and tingly all over with the need to explode into a homicidal rampage, and a certain calmness that was slowly washing over the fury, soothing it as she reminded herself of what going through with it would ultimately cost and how much better she’d be off if she just did not do it.
Not to mention the collateral damage... namely, Hunnigan. It’s already a wonder she isn’t asking you the question “how dare you?” after all the trouble she has gone through just to get you where you are. How dare you after the accusations people like that bitch over there are throwing at her just because she’s stood by your side through the messes you’ve caused. You ungrateful fucking brat.
“Hunnigan’s straight, she has a kid for God’s sakes, I seriously doubt Harper’s had a chance to climb up her thigh for any favors.”“Bah, Shepard was straight too until he married Steve. You never know these days.”“You’re seriously trying to tell me you honestly believe Hunnigan would jeopardize her integrity and her career for something as insignificant as sex?”“I’ve seen better do worse for less.”Helena faked a smile and it quickly became genuine, but it ceased being a smile, it turned into a vicious grin, the kind the big bad wolf would have in a cartoon meant to terrify little children. It was the kind of a grin the unfortunate victims of deranged murderers saw before their life was taken away.Helena unlocked the door and stepped out, her grin widening further when she saw how startled and uncomfortable the two agents became upon seeing her. The fragile framed agent with short black hair looked genuinely embarrassed whereas her taller and more solidly built friend looked surprised for half a second, but then utterly unapologetic, leading Helena to believe she’d been the trash talker. Helena commended her for not bothering to waste time trying to backpedal or explain it away which is what most probably would’ve done in the same situation.Helena walked to the sinks across the room and washed her hands, the duo still awkwardly standing silently by the door, possibly waiting for Helena to confront them about what had been said.“Ladies,” Helena smiled as she pushed past them and exited the bathroom, her tone of voice syrupy sweet and friendly, but her fists still firmly clenched as she restrained herself. Walking away that moment was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do.Helena felt like she should’ve left the party rather than stay and make a poor job of hiding the fact that she was avoiding Hunnigan, but at the same time, she didn’t want to admit defeat fully like that. However, coming up with excuses and trying to pretend she was busy chatting with people whose conversations she wasn’t interested in was quickly becoming exhausting. Not to mention it was dumb; Helena mentally kicked herself for ever being stupid enough to think Hunnigan wouldn’t realize she was avoiding her.She could just explain herself, tell Hunnigan she was making an effort to stay away from her company to ensure the trash talking gossip wouldn’t have anything to speak of... but doing that would require her to explain what had led to this decision. She didn’t want to tell Hunnigan about what had been said. Odds were Hunnigan wouldn’t care, but Helena really did not want to repeat the words used.“Are you gonna tell me why you’re avoiding me or should I just keep trying to guess?” Hunnigan inquired when she appeared as if out of the blue right next to Helena who was standing by the bar.“I’m not avoiding you,” Helena lied unconvincingly.“Okay,” Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder, her tone of voice light but also making it clear she didn’t believe Helena for one second. Instead of pressing the issue, Hunnigan ordered another drink and walked away immediately after getting it. Helena sighed deeply, feeling bad because she knew she’d just offended Hunnigan.Helena remained at her spot and ordered another drink while the director got started on the “fun group activity” (which was a nicer way of saying “torture”) he’d come up with.“It’s simple. You pick a song and you pick a singer for it. So it’s like...”“Kind of like Russian roulette karaoke?” Leon interjected and the rewarded his quip with scattered laughter.“Well, you’re not wrong,” Shepard chuckled. Oh, great, Helena grumbled internally. She was one of the people who vehemently believed karaoke should be made illegal. As a reward for his smartass comment, Shepard gave Leon the questionable honor of being the first to go. Huh, he’s not terrible, Helena admitted when he sang. On the contrary, he was rather good, he even managed a falsetto which sounded great, not something everyone could do, not even all the professional singers. Then again, Leon was the annoying kind of a guy who was good at almost everything, Helena didn’t know why she was even surprised.“Hey,” a voice said over the sound of Leon’s singing. Helena looked up and saw the woman who’d tried defending her earlier to her friend in the ladies’ room. Helena couldn’t remember her name and right now didn’t even bother pretending she did.“Hawke. Jeri Hawke,” she introduced herself upon noticing that. “And I didn’t mean to say that in the James Bond-style, I swear,” she then laughed a little and ran her hand through her hair awkwardly. It was black, the pixie cut styled to look messy, strands hanging over her impossibly turquoise eyes.“Harper. Helena. But I guess you already knew that,” she smirked.
“Yeah... I’m sorry about Skylark, she’s a bitter cunt who has to have something to complain about because she’s not happy unless she’s miserable,” Hawke said. Helena quirked an eyebrow.“Harsh things to say about a friend.”“We’re not friends, we’re just partners, and now she thinks I’m her bestie because of that,” Hawke chuckled, shaking her head.“Congratulations?” Helena shrugged one shoulder. She didn’t want to seem rude, but she didn’t really wish to carry the conversation on either. Hawke didn’t get the hint or then chose to ignore it.“Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot,” she scoffed amusedly. “For what it’s worth, she’s pretty much alone with her accusations regarding you.”“I don’t care about me, but she has no right or reason to drag Hunnigan into my mess,” Helena snapped.“I’m not arguing,” Hawke said raising her hands into a small surrendering gesture. Helena didn’t comment. Hawke sighed a little and took the liberty of ordering Helena a drink too while ordering one for herself. Not that it could really count as buying an apology-drink since there was an open bar. Regardless, Helena didn’t see a reason to remain salty and accepted the gesture for what it was worth.“...you wanna get out of here?” Hawke then asked.“Who doesn’t?” Helena chuckled and to emphasize her point, nodded toward the small stage where one of the male agents was butchering ABBA’s “Dancing queen”.“No, I meant...” Hawke chuckled and leaned to rest her hand on Helena’s forearm, “...you wanna get out of here?” she repeated, emphasizing her words a little to get her meaning across. Helena’s gaze darted between the hand on her forearm and Hawke’s face for a moment before she finally managed to utter a word.“Oh. I... I’m...” she stammered as she considered it.She admitted she wouldn’t have minded having someone near her; cuddling with Hunnigan at the cabin had made her realize just how touch-starved she’d been. But when she thought of going through with it with Hawke, she couldn’t even really imagine it. Hawke seemed nice enough and she was a beautiful sight to behold, but Helena didn’t feel anything. No curiosity, no passion, no lust, nothing. Frankly, even the thought of sex kind of made her cringe, in her mind the act and everything associated with still blighted by Sergeant Good’s venom.“I don’t think that would be a good idea, given everything, you know...” she trailed off awkwardly.“All right. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask,” Hawke smiled and to Helena’s relief, she seemed to genuinely not mind.“It’s nothing personal, I just... you know,” she reassured just to be sure and Hawke nodded.“It’s okay, I get it. Don’t worry,” she said. “See you around,” she then winked and left the bar.Helena took a drink and sighed into her glass as she did, sincerely hoping that what had just happened wouldn’t come back to bite her in the ass at some point. Well what the hell was I supposed to do, have sex with her even if I didn’t want to? How’s that any better than what happened between me and Good? she questioned her doubt.The further stuck she got thinking about it, the more she realized that wasn’t the only reason. Yes, it was the main reason, but there was something else holding her back. She was touch-starved, yes, but she realized quickly enough that the only person whose touch she would accept was Hunnigan.She would’ve wanted to rewind the past day back to the moment of when they’d been cuddled up in the sleeping bag together. She wanted to be back in that moment staring into Hunnigan’s blue-gray eyes that had a dim undertint of green, a shade which one wouldn’t notice when looking at her quickly through the tinted glasses she usually wore, but was visible when looking deep enough.If Helena could do it again, she’d kiss her. Slowly. Lightly. With passion but gently. What makes you think she wouldn’t just pull back in disgust? the demeaning voice of Sergeant Good inquired in the back of Helena’s mind. She sighed and ordered another drink. What makes you think she’d want you? What makes you think anyone would want you? You’re beyond damaged, you’re angry and broken.You’re a fucking idiot if you even think that she’d want to mess up her life further by keeping you around. What have you got to offer? What are you good for? Why would anyone want you? Helena downed her drink in a few long swallows before ordering yet another. The bartender gave her a glance but didn’t comment or cut her off, yet anyway. Helena ground her teeth and sighed internally once more. She didn’t have the energy to argue with the dark thoughts. It would be a battle she’d get into in vain because she already agreed with every single unpleasant remark.
You don’t deserve to be cared for let alone loved, and the sooner you accept that no one will ever love you, the better off you’ll be.
“Here’s to you for being right all along,” Helena mumbled to the disembodied voice of Sergeant Good and raised her glass.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena stood in Sergeant Good’s office, her back straight, her hands clasped behind her. She feverishly tried to think back on everything she’d done this past day as she tried to figure out what could be the reason she’d been called in so that the sergeant could “talk with her up close” as she’d put it, whatever that meant. Sergeant Good had never been exactly nice toward Helena, but that was something she’d known to expect. Hazing was something she’d assumed would happen, and so far it hadn’t been very horrible.
Earlier today during a bunk inspection Sergeant Good had told Helena to make her bed again, and when she’d done it, Good had yanked the covers back and told her to do it again. This had repeated a total of thirteen times before Good had gotten bored toying with her and finally let it go. Before that, Good had resorted to a classic, making Helena scrub the bathroom’s floor using only a toothbrush. At least she hadn’t made Helena use her own toothbrush, that was a small comfort.
Sergeant Good circled behind Helena and closed the door to her office. Helena frowned a little when she heard the click as Good locked the door. Why would she need to lock it? Helena had barely finished the thought when she felt Good’s breath against the back of her neck as the sergeant stood behind her, invading her personal space. When Helena turned to face her, Good nudged her to move until she’d backed to her desk until the backs of Helena’s thighs hit the edge and stopped her.
Sergeant Good put her hand over the back of Helena’s neck and held her still as she leaned to press her lips over Helena’s, the tip of her tongue forcing its way into Helena’s mouth past her lips despite Helena’s effort to keep them pinched shut. Sergeant Good’s breath smelled like coffee and stale cigarettes, the taste of her tongue similar but laced with an aftertaste of something sweet. She probably put sugar in her coffee.
“Don’t worry,” she said after breaking the forced kiss with a resounding smack. “You’re going to enjoy this,” she added as she undid Helena’s jacket and pushed it off of her shoulders before proceeding to yank the hem of Helena’s T-shirt from underneath the waist of her pants where she’d tucked it in.
This can’t be happening. This is ridiculous, this doesn’t make any sense, she can’t be serious, she’s just... hazing me, she has to be , Helena thought when Good slipped her hands underneath the shirt and brought them up along her sides, dragging the shirt up as she did. She pushed it over Helena’s head and behind her neck before forcing her hand into Helena’s bra from underneath. She grabbed Helena’s breast greedily and pinched her nipple between her thumb and forefinger hard enough to hurt, the fingers of her other hand digging into the back of Helena’s neck once more as she kissed her again.
“Don’t,” Helena managed to say into Sergeant Good’s mouth.
“Trust me, you’ll start enjoying yourself soon enough,” Good promised with a grin. She undid Helena’s belt and pants, shoving them halfway down her thighs before she put her arms around Helena’s midsection and with a forceful nudge, lifted her onto the desk so that she was sitting on the edge of it.
Good placed herself between Helena’s legs before she had chance to press her thighs together, the sides of her knees impacting into Good’s hips hard.
“Is that any way to behave when a superior officer is doing you a favor?” Good asked, obviously not expecting an answer, her voice dropping to a low growl as she yanked Helena’s pants further down before stepping on them to push them all the way to her ankles. She leaned back and took a moment to stare at Helena.
“Mmm,” she hummed and licked her lips like a starving person seeing a hot meal for the first time in days, “look at you all ready for me,” she added in a mumble.
“Please, don’t do this,” Helena said, barely managing to get the words out, the fear clogging her throat, constricting it until she could hardly breathe, her voice reduced to a terrified whimper which was so unfamiliar to her she couldn’t even believe it had emanated from her.
Do something. Say something. Throw a fucking punch, anything, what is wrong with you? Helena screamed internally at herself but the more she tried to move and resist, the less she found herself being able to do anything at all. The situation was too alien, too confusing, too wrong, it was impossible, it couldn’t be happening.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed, pet. You have a cute little pussy, don’t you?” Sergeant Good murmured and reached down. She pressed her fingers against Helena, parting her lips with her forefinger and ring finger.
“I don’t want...”
“That’s not what your pussy says,” Good spoke over her and to prove her point, she moved her middle finger to Helena’s opening and spread the slick wetness she discovered there.
I’m seventeen, I’m wet all the time whether I want it or not, Helena thought but didn’t manage to bring herself to point that out to Sergeant Good out loud. She slid the finger inside Helena, eliciting a startled gasp from her as she did. Good then paused for a moment when she felt something resist her effort.
“You’ve never done this before?” she quirked an eyebrow and Helena managed to shake her head a little. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat; she sure as hell wouldn’t give Good the satisfaction of seeing her cry.
“Trust me, pet, I’m gonna make you feel good,” the sergeant said and chuckled then at her own pun before gripping Helena’s hip with her free hand and pressing her waist against the back of her hand which was still between Helena’s legs. She used her hips for added pressure and pushed into Helena, forcing her finger through the thin tissue she’d felt resist her earlier.
Helena grunted at the unpleasant stretch, fullness and mild burning sensation that followed when Good added another finger. She brought her thumb to rub over Helena’s clit as she moved her fingers inside her, and Helena hated her body for giving into it.
“Atta girl,” the sergeant said into her ear, sounding pleased with herself as she felt Helena’s inner muscles involuntarily pulse and constrict around her fingers. “My turn,” she then smiled and took a step back, undoing her pants. She pushed them mid-thigh and tugged on Helena until she got up from the desk only to be ordered to get on her knees in front of Good a couple of seconds later.
“Be a good girl and hold still,” the sergeant said and sunk her hand into Helena’s hair, squeezing her hand into a tight fist, keeping Helena in place and pulling a little to urge her to tilt her head back. She then pushed against the back of Helena’s head and aligned herself with Helena’s mouth.
“Flatten your tongue. Just like when licking an ice cream cone,” Good instructed and Helena did as she was told. She was rewarded with a low hum of approval from the sergeant whose fist in Helena’s hair slowly turned into a stroking hand, as if this were the tender moment she so adamantly kept insisting it was.
Just give her what she wants and get it over with, it won’t last forever, Helena told herself as she tried to ignore the strain in her jaw and neck the awkward position brought up.
She’d been right, it didn’t last long, probably due to the depraved thrill the sergeant had felt upon discovering Helena’d been a virgin. But that wasn’t much of a comfort in the long run because while it didn’t ever last very long, it happened often. At times Good ordered Helena to wear a strap-on and the whole sorry mess was over simply by her wearing it and sitting down while Good straddled her and took advantage of being able to grope at Helena’s breasts while riding her. Other times weren’t quite as painless. Sometimes Good told her she was “feeling curious”,
though, Helena knew it wasn’t as much curiosity as it was just plain sadism; she was certain Good was already knowledgeable of what the reaction to having something jammed up your ass and pussy against your will generally tended to be.
Some of the times, Good didn’t even get off herself, and it had taken Helena a long time to understand what was the point of it all if she didn’t even get there. Why did she do those things to her if it weren’t even for her own satisfaction? And more importantly, why was she always so adamant about making Helena come, that was weird. Later, Helena had realized the reasons.
It had never been about the sex, rape rarely was. It was about the power. It was about being able to look at someone and make them know you could do whatever you wanted with them. It was about degrading and humiliating another.
Afterward Good had always taken the time to remind Helena to keep her mouth shut because clearly, she’d enjoyed herself. Betrayed by her own body after the manipulations the sergeant had put it through, Helena had not even questioned Good’s statements. Maybe Good was right, maybe she had been begging for it. It’s my own fault.
And no one had ever told her otherwise.
Helena inhaled sharply when there was a knock on the door. The sound startled her back to reality from where her mind had shot off to after she’d read the email sent to her by a soldier she’d served with. A soldier who’d known Sergeant Kassandra Good rather well, and like Helena, he hadn’t wanted to know her that well either.Helena was relatively certain her involvement with Good was still her secret, the soldier in question had approached a lot of people who had been trained by Sergeant Good, not just her. He’d been the reason Good had been discharged from the military, and he was now reaching out hoping to find more victims who would be willing to come forward so that he could make sure Sergeant Good would be prosecuted for what she’d done. Helena wished him luck but didn’t honestly believe this could be accomplished.“Sorry, nobody down here but the DSO’s most unwanted!” Helena called out and closed the email. She’d meant to delete it, but she changed her mind. Perhaps she’d think on it. Maybe.“Helena, get out of here, it’s Christmas eve’s eve, no one is actually working anymore,” Leon told her from the door.“You’re here,” she quirked an eyebrow.“I was just leaving.”“And you came all the way down here just to see me? I’m touched,” Helena smiled.“Well, I had to come and see what you’d done to the place. Love it,” Leon chuckled.Helena’s office was in the basement floor, it had been lovingly nicknamed “Mulder’s office” since like the case was with the fictional FBI agent, the basement office was reserved for the “weirdo loner”-agent of the DSO as well. Helena had even gone ahead and gotten one of those “I want to believe”-posters she’d seen in the TV-show. It had been a simple little thing, but she hoped it had sent a message to those who’d put her here. It said she didn’t care.
Bring it on, you don’t have what it takes to break me.
“Envious much?” she smirked.“Very, I can see why you’d want to spend Christmas here,” he laughed. “Well, I’m off. Happy holidays, see you next year!” he then waved her goodbye. She responded in kind and sighed after he’d gone. It was getting kind of late, perhaps she should go home. I wonder if Hunnigan’s still at the office, she mused as she shut down her laptop and stood up. She’d continued to try avoiding Hunnigan after the Christmas party and she knew she was being childish but at the same time, she didn’t know how to say anything, and at this point, it was too late to bring it up, it had been three days. And, Helena hoped that putting more distance between herself and Hunnigan would give her a chance to clear her mind and forget about the whole “I want to kiss Hunnigan”-nonsense.Still, leaving without even telling Hunnigan to have a happy Christmas would’ve been just rude. Helena got into the elevator and rode it up to the floor where Hunnigan’s personal office was. The situation room where she and the other FOS agents worked if there was an attack was on ground level. The space housing the agents’ personal offices was higher up. It had been divided into separate rooms with glass walls, the small lounge and the kitchenette the only common areas.As Helena approached the office, she was relatively certain no one would even be there anymore, there was no light seeping through the frosted glass on the door leading into the larger office, but she decided to go give the door a tug regardless. Could be Hunnigan had just turned off the main lights at the entrance to make it look like there was no one there, she was the type who would’ve preferred being left alone, Helena was certain of that much. As she suspected, the door opened smoothly.“Seeley, what are you doing?” Hunnigan’s voice called out from her office.“Nuthin’!” the child responded from the far back of the space, his words immediately followed by a noise.“Nuthiiiin’!” he repeated before his mother even had a chance to question him. When Helena entered further, she saw the boy had pulled out a drawer and was busy climbing on it, his intention apparently to look into the top cabinet, probably in the hopes of finding something sweet to munch on. Oh, no , Helena gasped internally when she realized the boy would fall within two seconds from that moment. She dashed to the end of the room and caught him just as the drawer cracked and caved in underneath his weight, utensils spilling to the floor from inside it, clattering loudly.“Seeley!” Hunnigan’s alarmed voice called out and Helena could hear her stand up so quickly her chair rolled into the wall from the force.“I’m not hurt,” Seeley informed her, tiny, sharp pre-cry breaths taking over his voice toward the end of the sentence.“I think he just got a little startled,” Helena said, and she realized she was holding onto him rather awkwardly, her arm around his midsection and her left hand squeezing the back of his shirt as if she were about to carry him around like he were a gym bag. She let him go and he immediately ran the few steps there were between him and his mother. Hunnigan leaned to pick him up and he put his tiny arms around her neck.“Thank you.”“Lucky coincidence,” Helena smiled a little.“I should’ve paid more attention to him, I’m terrible at this,” Hunnigan sighed ruefully.“He’s a kid, they tend to find ways to get in trouble no matter what you do,” Helena assured her.“Well... you have a point. And I think I’m still one step above my mother when it comes to parenting.”“I sense a story here.”“There’s a series of photos in one album at home, there are a few pictures of my brother climbing up a tree, captioned ‘The joy of climbing’, and when you turn the page, there’s another series, featuring Nolan crying his eyes out, captioned ‘The pain of falling’, which means that instead of telling him not to climb and comforting him after he fell, my mother just took pictures,” Hunnigan said.“Well, I mean, that is how we learn not to climb trees,” Helena chuckled.“Exactly what my mother said to justify her actions, but I still think photographing it was excessive,” Hunnigan said.“Fair enough. That said, I bet this little guy won’t be climbing any more drawers after today, right?” Helena commented with a smile, looking at Seeley, who still had his face buried into the side of Hunnigan’s neck. He shook his head vigorously, not raising it from the spot, effectively wiping his tears and snot over the side of Hunnigan’s neck and on her collar. Hunnigan made a face of disgust and sighed.“I’ll take this as a sign that we should be heading home,” she muttered and turned back to her desk, beginning to close the programs on her laptop before shutting it down. The door opened and Helena instinctively found her hand drawing toward the pistol in the holster on her hip. There shouldn’t have been anyone here, it made sense to her to be prepared for the worst. And at the same time, she wished Hunnigan didn’t notice her “jumpiness”.The man who entered was a big guy; tall and even through his jacket, Helena could tell he had the body type of a strongman. He looked like he could wrestle a bear and win, easily. Hell, he could be one for all she knew; the thick dark auburn messy hair and his full beard -as neatly trimmed as it was- made him look like a human version of a bear. In other words, at first glance, not the kind of a guy you would’ve wanted to run into in a dark alley. She shifted her initial opinion a little when his serious frown melted into a smile and she sensed what could only be described as an aura of kindness of him.
art commissioned from Jaden G.
“Oh. Hello,” he said upon realizing Helena was there too. He extended his arm and Helena gripped his hand, firmly but not enough to hurt. Helena had never considered her own hands dainty but still, somehow, her hand seemed to completely disappear into his when they shook hands.“Major Hunnigan,” he introduced himself and Helena felt her entire scalp slide backward as she raised her eyebrows at that.“Helena Harper,” she managed a response. He didn’t look like Hunnigan’s type at all, but Helena had to admit, she’d made assumptions about Hunnigan before and she’d been wrong. Assuming her ex would be a skinny geek was a result of Helena’s own misinterpretation of Hunnigan as well. How modern of him to have taken her name, Helena thought and before she’d even finished the thought, she found herself mentally burying her face into her palm in exasperation at her own idiocy. Yeah, sure, because out of the two of them, she looks like the one with Irish roots, not the pale guy with the auburn hair and green eyes. He then went to pick up Seeley from Hunnigan’s arms and she began to unplug the various cables attached to her laptop.“I should get going, I just wanted to wish you happy holidays,” Helena smiled, beginning to feel rather awkward standing there. She took a moment to say goodbye to the family and headed into the stairs rather than the elevator. She didn’t want to run into them if they used the elevator, it would be weird now. A few more days away from Hunnigan and from work would probably do the trick and she’d get over the annoying flutter she felt in her heart whenever she saw the tall intelligence liaison. She certainly hoped so.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Why her and not me? Helena thought as she stood in the shower, her head hanging low, the steaming hot water pelting her back, a cascade washing over her head as well, the drops mottled with her tears as they fell along the bridge of her nose.She would never understand why, it made no sense. Why Deborah? She’d been the good kid. The one who’d actually had a chance at life, the one who hadn’t been broken down and hastily put back together, over and over again until the person that came out from that was permanently cracked and misshapen, the pieces no longer fitting together.
Why didn’t I die?
Quite simply, she hadn’t died because she’d been the agent, the former soldier, the President’s bodyguard. If she hadn’t fucked up her promotion to the DSO by letting her temper get the better of her, she wouldn’t have been in the Secret Service at the time and Simmons wouldn’t have had any reason to kidnap Deborah to coerce her. If she had gotten a different job altogether after getting out from the army, it wouldn’t have happened. If she’d gotten a job as an EMT and gone to school like she’d meant to do after active duty it wouldn’t have happened. You fucked up something as basic as being a cop! What kind of an idiot assaults a suspect and gets herself suspended almost as soon as she began at the job! You’re a failure. You could’ve made use of the resources the military provided, you could’ve at least tried, everyone else seems capable of going from combat medic to doctor or at least a nurse, but no, you couldn’t manage that either. You’re such a disappointment! her grandmother’s voice snapped from the citadel she’d built inside Helena’s mind, a myriad of demeaning and derogatory comments stored therein, ready to be fired at her at a fraction of a second’s notice if given the chance.
You had to play hero. You had to beat up the suspect. You had to shoot Deborah’s boyfriend’s ear off and fuck up your promotion. You’re pathetic.
In Helena’s defense, Deborah’s then-boyfriend had been an abusive dick who had pummeled Deborah so badly she’d had to go to the hospital with bruised kidneys and fractured ribs. He was lucky Helena hadn’t killed him. In hindsight, she supposed she was lucky she hadn’t killed him too. But she didn’t find it in herself to genuinely regret doing that. She regretted everything it helped set in motion, the direction it had steered her life toward, but not the act itself. If she could go back in time, she’d kill him. That way she’d be in jail rather than compromising Deborah’s safety just by being her stupid big sister.That was all she knew how to be; initially, Deborah had been the only one small enough for her to protect. Keeping her safe had given Helena a certain sense of purpose. It had felt good to have that, a reason for her existence. Playing hero hadn’t been Helena’s incentive, mattering to someone and making a positive difference in their life had been. Oh, well, yeah, sure, that turned out brilliantly, didn’t it? her grandmother’s voice scoffed. Helena sighed. No, it hadn’t in the end, but there’d been times when she’d served her purpose.Like that time when Deborah had gotten the brilliant idea of pouring grandma’s booze down the drain because she’d believed that would be all it took to get her to stop drinking. When their grandmother found out about it, Helena was certain she’d kill the culprit.She’d told Deborah to go to the attic and hide. Helena knew their grandmother wouldn’t go up there to look. It wasn’t that she wasn’t capable (she was more than capable, she wasn’t an invalid nor was she a frail old lady), it was just that she wouldn’t be bothered, especially not if Helena would say she’d done it.She’d taken the blame and the beating. The lacerations on her back from the belt grandmother had used to beat her with had gotten infected because there’d been no aftercare. As a reward for having the audacity to whine about being sick, Helena had gotten hit on the back of the head with that damn hairbrush. Afterward, her grandmother had dragged her into the bathroom and drawn a scalding bath, saying something about getting the wounds thoroughly cleaned.The water felt boiling hot, and Helena imagined her skin bubbling and fizzing in the heat. Of course, it hadn’t been that bad in reality, but it had felt very real to a terrified ten year old. Her grandmother had then proceeded to vigorously scrub the infected wounds with a coarse sponge. Helena winced and pressed her palm against the scars on her back, the phantom pain the memory brought still stinging her skin. The blood from the wounds had dyed the bathwater a faded shade of pink by the time they were done with the violent bath.Unsurprisingly, that had made Helena’s condition worse and she’d gotten a fever which had nearly killed her. After that, her grandmother had been more careful with the punishments; having the annoying brat die would raise questions, she couldn’t have that. So, she’d stuck to milder methods of punishments (like grabbing her by the hair and dragging her over to the pantry where she’d lock her in, or pinching the soft skin under her arm between the armpit and the elbow) apart from the times she got overwhelmed by her fury and resorted to breaking out the large wooden hairbrush.Helena still had moments when she was about to drift off and just as she was to fall asleep, she’d see the brush speeding toward her, the lacquered surface shining under the light, the decorative pattern carved onto the back of the brush getting bigger as it rushed closer. That God damn brush had been the first thing she’d burned after clearing the apartment from her grandmother’s belongings after her passing. But it hadn’t been enough to burn the bad memories or the nasty remarks she still had embedded deep in her mind. She doubted she’d ever be rid of them. It was the dumbest things too, things that should no longer matter to her, should no longer have the power to hurt. But they did.
You’re sick.
Helena still didn’t understand why her grandmother had said that. It had happened before she’d come out, so it hadn’t been about that. Certainly, she’d said it numerous times afterward, in fact, that had been her favorite way of describing Helena, simply stating that she’s “sick”, and she’d never explained why she’d said it in the first place, what was it about Helena that supposedly made her sick. The first time she’d heard it, Helena had been rather confused because to a little kid, being sick meant you had the flu, and she hadn’t felt ill, why would grandma say she was sick?
You’re fat enough as it is. No one loves a fatty-patty.
A comment made when Helena had asked if they could go to McDonald’s. What made it more insulting was the fact that looking back, looking at the few photos she had from that time, she could see she had not been fat. She’d been a child, she’d had the normal amount of “babyfat” all (or certainly almost all) children of that age had. And still, that one comment still remained with her. She’d heard it lurking in the back of her mind a lot recently thanks to the weight she’d gained and no amount of reasoning and assuring it wasn’t even bad made it go away.The only time the derogatory words had remained muffled in the background was when Helena had been deployed in Afghanistan and befriended a soldier named Maxima. Helena had hero-worshipped her. No, more than that, she’d loved her. Not romantically or sexually, but like one loved their brothers and sisters in arms.Maxima was smart, she was strong and above all, she was kind and patient, a saint as far as Helena was concerned. She was the kind of a person one thought of when thinking about a soldier: honorable, guided by strong and just moral convictions, willing to sacrifice herself for the good of others. She was the kind of a woman Helena would’ve happily followed to hell with a smile.
And then she died too. You can’t save anyone.
“It wasn’t my fault!” Helena snapped out loud. What the hell more could she have done? The IED had taken out the vehicle Maxima had been in and it had been too late the moment the explosion had happened, there was nothing anyone could have done at that point. Helena had tried, truly she had. Desperately and uselessly, she’d ran to her friend, dropped to her knees and scooped up the guts, blood, bone fragments and chunks of charred flesh she could find, sand covering it all and clinging to her hands now sticky with blood as she hopelessly kept trying to tuck it all back into the upper half of her friend’s torso, the only part of her that was still intact.
You can’t save anyone. You’re a useless waste of my son’s cum!
“Stop. Just stop,” Helena muttered, sucking in a shuddering breath as she tried to stop crying. It took a while longer but finally, she shut the water off and exited the shower. A while later, she slumped onto the couch, wearing her bathrobe. Sighing deeply, she stared blankly at the wall for a long time.
You know what stops it.
Her gaze wandered lower, onto the pistol in its holster on the coffee table. She’d meant to take it apart and clean it, but she had decided to put it off; like so many other things it could wait until tomorrow. Helena grabbed it and pulled it out from the holster. She weighed it in her hand, adjusted her hold on the grip and racked the slide, all such familiar movements she could’ve done them in her sleep. Never before had she put the barrel into her mouth, though, but there was a first time for everything.Helena placed her front teeth into the grooves in the underside of the Picatinny rail, the fit disturbingly good. She inhaled deeply and let it out through her nose in a long exhale. The hammer made a whiny creaking noise as it drew back when Helena put more pressure on the trigger. The cold metal didn’t taste as bitter as she’d expected.Hunnigan couldn’t say what had possessed her to go over, especially since Helena had obviously been avoiding her, but despite thinking she should know better, here she was. At first, she’d been bothered by the way Helena had practically ran away every time Hunnigan had tried having a conversation beyond wishing her good morning or day or evening, depending on what time of day they happened to run into each other in the agency. Then she’d figured out the mistake she’d made.She’d assumed she and Helena had become friends practically overnight when in reality, it wasn’t like Helena’d had any other choice but to get along with her while they’d been stuck in the cabin together. Thinking on it more and realizing just how obvious and stupid the whole thing was, she hadn’t been able to keep from feeling like a damn fool. What sane person goes from thinking “we’re colleagues” to thinking “we’re friends” based on something like that? No one, as far as Hunnigan was concerned.She hadn’t stopped to think of the irony of her appearing at Helena’s door in person on Christmas eve to apologize for coming on too strong. In her defense, that wasn’t the only reason she’d come over, she’d also wanted to give Helena a Christmas present. She’d walked past a bookstore and noticed a copy of Jim Gaffigan’s “Dad is fat” on display in the window and recalled Helena mentioning she was a fan of his work, so she’d gotten the book for her.Hunnigan knocked again after waiting for a long while, trying to listen for any signs of life from the apartment, but it was quiet. Maybe she’s not at home, Hunnigan mused and was about to see if she could manage to fit the book through the mail slot on the door when Helena’s voice finally called out.“Hang on!”Hunnigan did and a few moments later, Helena unlocked the door, visibly surprised to see Hunnigan.“Hey. I, uh, I was just in the shower," she elaborated somewhat needlessly, Hunnigan had figured out as much based on the fact that Helena's hair was wet and she was dressed in a dark red bathrobe.“Oh, I’m sorry, I should’ve called ahead, I’m not thinking things through these days it seems,” Hunnigan apologized.“It’s fine,” Helena smiled and stepped aside, gesturing toward the apartment and Hunnigan entered. Helena told her she could wait in the living room while she excused herself and disappeared into the bedroom to get dressed.Helena’s apartment was rather small, not messy but looked lived-in with haphazardly unpacked bags and items of clothing cluttering the space. The kitchenette was a narrow slit in the far back, separated from the living room by a bar counter. The couch sat a couple of feet away from it, opposite to the shelves on the other wall, the TV and accessories there, surrounded by DVDs and paperback books which flooded the shelves.Hunnigan glanced at the coffee table and at first, didn’t think anything of the handgun there, she’d learned by now that Helena liked to keep her gun near herself at all times. She noticed the barrel looked... wet? That made no sense. She was about to lean in to look closer when Helena’s voice caught her attention.“I gotta admit I’m surprised to see you,” she said as she emerged from the bedroom, running her hand through her wet hair.“I came to apologize.”“About what?”“About my behavior at the Christmas party. I kind of got carried away and thought more of what was happening, I took things the wrong way, I’m sorry.”“What are you talking about?” Helena frowned.“Well, I just assumed we’d sort of hit it off and that we were friends but I realize it was probably just because what other option did you have than to get along with me while we were stuck in the cabin, so I misunderstood, sorry about that,” Hunnigan elaborated and Helena paused for a long moment, seeming to process the words. Hunnigan hoped she didn’t come across like she was here guilt-tripping Helena about it, she had meant her words as they were. She took a moment to assure Helena of that now.“No, no, you’ve got it wrong, I wasn’t... that’s not how it was, I mean... yeah, but in reverse. I was kind of keeping my distance because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by assuming...” Helena trailed off, and Hunnigan didn’t believe she was being entirely honest, but she did sound genuine about the sentiment.“A simple misunderstanding like this is the kind of a thing terribly written and annoyingly predictable comedies are based on,” Helena then laughed a little and Hunnigan smiled.“Speaking of comedy,” she said and dug into her purse. “Merry Christmas,” she said and handed Helena the book.“You didn’t need to get me anything! I didn’t think to get anything for you!” Helena sighed.“You already gave me the socks, remember?”“Well, yeah, but that was different.”“Enough, we’re not arguing over this, just take the gift,” Hunnigan rolled her eyes, smiling.“Fine, but I’m getting you a present later,” Helena said.“You got any plans for the holidays?” Hunnigan then changed the subject.“I’m not really a Christmas-person. Does getting drunk, binge-eating junk food and overdosing on whatever’s good on Netflix count?” Helena inquired as she put the gift down onto the coffee table, she’d open it later.“It totally counts.”“I’m sorry, I guess you can tell I’m not used to having guests; do you want coffee or something?” Helena then realized to ask, and Hunnigan shook her head a little.“I can’t stay, Major’s waiting for me to go pick him and Seeley up.”“You guys sure seem to spend a lot of time together despite being divorced,” Helena pointed out with a smirk. Hunnigan wasn’t sure what she was implying exactly, perhaps that she didn’t believe the marriage was really over. Or perhaps she was jealous. She did kind of sound like she was trying hard to not sound jealous.
Why would she be jealous?
“Yeah, we’re the best divorced couple ever, we get along so perfectly my mother even still invites him over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, completely disregarding how I might feel about that, presenting her act as something she does for Seeley’s sake, but we all know she’s trying to force Major and I back together even though it’s obvious to everyone except to her that we don’t even want to get back together,” Hunnigan spoke, pausing to inhale deeply in the middle of her mini-rant, “...so, that will be fun,” she added sarcastically.“I know I shouldn’t laugh, but... I’m feeling that emotion I can’t remember the word for, you know, when you’re glad something bad is happening to someone else,” Helena chuckled.“You mean sadism?” Hunnigan smirked.“No, no, the German-sounding word. I can’t remember, now it’s gonna bother me.”“I know. Which is why I won’t tell you what it is even though I know exactly the word you’re looking for. And now I’m feeling it when I think of you agonizing over not remembering it,” Hunnigan said sweetly.“You do realize I can just Google it?”“If I had time, I’d knock out your wi-fi.”“Now who’s the sadist!” Helena gasped in exaggerated horror before they both laughed.“The word you’re looking for is ‘schadenfreude’. Merry Christmas,” Hunnigan then said and Helena wished her the same before pulling her into a tight hug.“Thank you. For everything,” Helena said quietly into Hunnigan’s shoulder and tightened her grip on her.Hunnigan didn’t know what exactly Helena was thanking her for, but she didn’t question it nor was she the first to pull back from the hug. She didn’t know it at the time, but her not being the first to let go changed everything.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan felt uneasy and it wasn’t just because she’d been forced to share a bed with her ex-husband. Her parents still lived in the same three-bedroom apartment they’d lived in since moving to New York before Hunnigan had even been born, and her mother naturally had told Hunnigan to say in her old room with Major and Seeley while Nolan stayed in his old room.“If you keep tossing and turning like that, I’m gonna need seasickness medicine,” Major mumbled.“You’re welcome to sleep on the floor,” Hunnigan told him.“What’s bothering you? And don’t say ‘nothing’ because I know you better than that,” he then said and turned to face her.“I honestly am not sure, I just have this gut-feeling that something’s wrong. You know?”“I know perfectly, going with my gut is how I catch bad guys,” Major smiled.“Yeah, but it’s annoying thinking something’s wrong but not being able to figure out what exactly it is,” Hunnigan sighed in frustration. At this rate, she wouldn’t be able to sleep at all and tomorrow’s forced family-time would be even worse if she was to be tired and cranky through it.“It’ll come to you, trust me,” Major comforted sleepily and Hunnigan couldn’t resist the urge to roll her eyes at him. He didn’t care, he’d gotten more than used to her doing that at him when they’d been married.“Want me to do the thing and rub your back like I used to? That always helps you sleep,” he then offered with a grin and Hunnigan smiled a little.“I didn’t want to ask. I thought it would be weird.”“I’ve always thought it’s weird, I would never be able to relax to someone doing that to me, I’d get irritated,” he chuckled quietly.For years, Hunnigan too had considered it strange because she’d thought she was the only person on the planet who felt a weird tingly sensation in the back of her head and neck when she heard certain sounds. She hadn’t known what to call it until her brother had sent her a link to an article about autonomous sensory meridian response.Major shifted on the bed a little and leaned toward Hunnigan’s ear, the tip of his nose pressing against her temple. She closed her eyes when he licked his lips and began to move his tongue around his mouth, the resulting wet sounds sending a cascade of tingles down Hunnigan’s back. She’d just begun to relax enough to drift off when she realized what it was that bothered her, the thoughts frantically dashing from one to another as the separate details tried to make sense and form into a coherent realization.
Saliva. It was saliva on the gun. Helena’s gun. It was in her mouth. She was about to kill herself.
“What’s wrong?” Major frowned when Hunnigan sat up quickly and reached for her phone.“I figured it out,” was all Hunnigan said before dialing Helena’s number, muttering “pick up” repeatedly under her breath.
“Hey, this is Helena’s voice, don’t leave a message at the tone, I won’t remember to get back to you, just text me like a normal person would’ve done in the first place. Bye!”
“Shit,” Hunnigan hissed and redialed.“Calm down.”“I can’t right now,” Hunnigan said and Major sighed. He sat up and scooted to Hunnigan’s side of the bed and put his hand over her shoulder.“Tell me what’s going on and we’ll figure it out,” he said and Hunnigan glared at him. He had no goddamn right to be behaving like the calm, supportive one who would make everything better somehow right now... even if he more or less was exactly that.“I think a friend of mine might be about to do something stupid like hurt herself. And she’s not picking up and I don’t know if it-”“It’s past midnight, she’s probably asleep.”“And what if it’s something worse than that? I have to go check on her.”“Now? You can’t be serious!” Major scoffed.“Well, what the hell else am I supposed to do?” Hunnigan snapped at him, already beginning to get dressed.“Call the local police station, explain the situation and ask someone to go see her,” Major reasoned, and had the roles been reversed, Hunnigan knew she would’ve been telling him exactly the same. She also knew how annoyed she’d be if he refused to listen to her advice in that situation, advice which would undoubtedly be the most sensible thing to do, and still, she found herself wanting to tear his head off for trying to tell her what to do.“I can’t just sit here. I have to go.”“It’s an over four hour drive on a good day, and this is not a good day, the weather’s crap, and who knows what else, this isn’t sensible.”“I need to, do you understand that?” Hunnigan hissed at him.He obviously didn’t. Perhaps he’d never felt the unpleasant gnawing feeling in his chest cavity when something was so bad it felt like it was literally eating you alive from the inside. What he did understand was how his ex-wife thought and behaved, and he knew little children would be building snowmen in hell before Ingrid Lee Hunnigan would stop and abandon her mission to get back to D.C. during the night between Christmas eve and Christmas day.“Take my car,” he sighed deeply, deflating a little as he visibly gave up trying to talk her out of it, “it’s safer than that shopping cart you drive.”Helena hadn’t planned on spending her Christmas getting drunk on rum and doing online searches on Hunnigan in the hopes of finding her from a social media site (no luck so far), but here she was.
Yeah, this is not creepy at all.
She didn’t recognize the voice speaking in her mind this time because unlike usually, it was actually her own voice for once. Maybe I’ve finally just lost it. That’s it, I’ve finally just gone crazy like everyone always said I would. Either that or that I’d kill someone after getting angry. I guess getting so furious runs in the family, huh, grandma? she scoffed internally.From what Helena recalled of her parents, her father had been just as bad at controlling his temper. She didn’t remember much of her mother at all. According to Helena’s grandmother, she’d been a lazy slut, but Helena wasn’t inclined to take her grandmother’s word for it. She’d also said Helena’s father had driven the car into the wall on purpose to kill himself and his wife, but she’d never explained why exactly he would’ve done that.
Did she need to explain it? You know what it was. You heard things. Saw things.
Helena took another sip of her drink and tried to remember.The house they’d grown up in had been of somewhat shoddy construction, meaning on the second floor, there was a small area that had a noticeable gap between the wall and the floor, leaving an opening which wasn’t big enough for a child to fall through, but it did offer a good view into the living room. Helena had spent a lot of her time spying on her parents from there, usually when she’d been ordered to go to bed but hadn’t gotten to sleep and had instead watched her parents get drunk with their friends or each other. Occasionally, she’d seen them have sex on the couch or on the floor, not really understanding what they were doing, but it had looked somewhat violent and she’d wondered what was the point of it all. Then there was the fight on the evening they’d died. “You think that I don’t know! Nothing insults me as much as the fact that you think I’m so stupid that I don’t know!” her father had yelled, and her mother had responded equally loudly. “Fine! She’s not yours! Is that what you want to hear? Are you happy now!” Then she’d left and he had followed her outside. Helena had heard their muffled arguing continue, the sound of the car starting and doors slamming. Then they were gone.“Is it wrong that I don’t even miss them?” Helena asked from no one as she swallowed another mouthful of rum and coke.The only person from her family she missed was Deborah. She supposed it was probably because all evidence suggested she was only half blood-related, it made sense to miss someone who wasn’t like the rest of her family. It would explain a lot. Deborah hadn't really looked like any of the close family from Helena’s father’s side either, and she certainly hadn't suffered from the same anger-control problems everyone from Helena’s father’s side seemed to share.“So, the current theory is my father intentionally drove the car into a wall after my mother came clean about the fact that Deborah wasn’t his child. Everyone cool with that?” Helena talked to herself, took a drink and frowned as she thought about it.“Why would he have been driving, he was the one who chased after her, it makes more sense if she was the one who got in the car first. So, she made the whole ‘I’ll kill myself and take you with me’-move. Does it matter? Not really, the end result is the same,” she continued speaking and sighed. She finished her drink and went to make another before returning to the couch and hitting a key to wake her laptop up.“Now, where was I? Oh, yes, not being creepy at all,” she smirked to herself as she prowled through Facebook and instead of finding Ingrid Hunnigan there, she found Major. For someone who worked for the FBI and who’d been married to someone as aware of the perils of online life, he certainly sucked at securing his information. Perhaps he was one of those people who had never really paid attention to their privacy settings. Or then he didn’t care and actually wanted to share everything publicly. Not that I mind, more info for me, Helena smirked. She skipped reading his personal information because frankly, she felt she already knew too much thanks to what Hunnigan had told her about his private parts. She proceeded to go through his photo albums and quirked an eyebrow at the one which contained pictures of him skateboarding in ramps he’d built himself in his backyard, at least that’s what the captions on the pictures suggested.“No one over twenty should be doing that, I don’t care what anyone says, skateboards are for Bart Simpson and Tony Hawk... both over twenty years old, hah, but still,” Helena said and navigated through the rest of the albums.“My God, man,” she then chuckled a little. If she didn’t know better, she would’ve assumed she was reading the posts of a seventy year old man who more than often liked his own photos and updates because he thought that was how it works. Maybe he was internally an old man, and a little bit computer-illiterate (which was ironic considering who he’d been married to).“Finally, something good,” she mumbled when she discovered an older album from before the divorce. The fact that Major hadn’t just deleted it spoke volumes of how well he and Hunnigan still got along... or then he’d just not known how to delete it. Helena was relatively certain it was the former though, which was strange to her; had it been her, she could all too easily see herself destroying everything that reminded her of her ex. Give the missus a few glasses of wine and her alter ego Lee Del Rey pops up, a caption by a photo of Hunnigan said. In it, she sat on the couch half a glass of red wine in front of her on the coffee table, her eyeglasses next to it. Her hair was shorter than Helena had ever seen it on her, barely reaching her shoulders. She had crossed one leg over the other, a black acoustic guitar resting on her thigh as she picked at the strings. It was an excellent photo, and frankly, it seemed Major had a secret talent of capturing candid moments, but Helena didn’t think he was aware of his skill. Or perhaps I’m thinking that way because I’m obsessing over the model , Helena sighed internally as she clicked through the album, shamelessly stealing quite a few pictures of Hunnigan and stashing them into a folder within a folder within a folder. Not the most secure method of hiding the theft but worked in a pinch. “LOL Nice job, Major, knocking up your ex has got to be a new low. *slow clap*” one of his friends had commented on a photo of an ultrasound scan which Major had captioned “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Bob Ross it’s that there are no mistakes, only happy accidents”. Helena chuckled a little at the lengthy argument he’d gotten into with his friend who’d made the tacky comment. Ever wonder what him fucking Hunnigan would look like? Sergeant Good asked in Helena’s mind and she immediately cringed at the thought. Not because of the mental image itself (she wished it had been because of that) but because of how she found herself reacting to it. No, I absolutely fucking refuse to go there, she thought defiantly but even as she did, she knew it was already too late for that.
We both know that’s the kind of a thing you’re into, you never rub one out to the thought of fucking someone yourself, no, you always think of other people fucking each other. It’s kind of pathetic you can’t insert yourself into a situation like that even in your mind, but I guess it makes sense considering how much you hate yourself over anything sexual.
“And whose fault is that?” she spat out loud to Sergeant Good’s crass commentary.
Blame me all you want but the truth is you’ve always been like that, ever since you started humping your stuffed animals as a kid when you didn’t even know what you were doing or why doing it while thinking of that time when you watched your dad fuck your mother on the floor made you feel funny inside and your little cunt all wet.
“Jesus Christ, why am I like this?” Helena groaned and buried her face in her hands.
What difference does it make, knowing why won’t change anything; you’d still want to touch yourself while thinking about Major fucking Hunnigan. I bet she’d be on top, riding that beautiful cock which you can bet is meaty and as thick as your wrist.
The mental image was all too easy to conjure up and made her feel all too tingly inside.“I hate myself,” she muttered as she settled to lie down on her stomach on the couch and slipped her hand between her body and the cushions, tucking her fingers underneath the waistband of her underwear and pressing them over her clit.She imagined Hunnigan straddling Major, leaning forward, her hands on his chest, his over her hip and his other arm around her midsection. She imagined Hunnigan rocking up and down on him, her ass bouncing as she did and as he thrust his hips up to bury his cock into her, the shaft glistening as it slid back and forth, coated by the slick wetness from her. She imagined him pulling her closer and grabbing a handful of her breasts, reaching to suck on her nipple. She imagined her throwing her head back, her hair cascading over her shoulder blades, free from the clip she usually held it up with. She imagined her straightening her back and him sitting up, her quickening the pace and taking charge, rebounding in his lap and fingering her clit as she fucked him until they both came.Helena wiped her fingers on the inside of her underwear turned to lay on her back when the last of the aftershocks gave out. She hadn’t felt this disgusted with herself in a long time. It was a familiar feeling, one that had followed every single time she’d masturbated (at least the times she’d known what she’d been doing), usually brought on by her having to take a moment to see the porn she’d been looking at while masturbating.She hated porn. And yet, there she was, consuming it just like all the other disgusting depraved pieces of filth who would greatly be improved by death. It didn’t make it better that she didn’t go for the hardcore stuff but rather preferred watching women fucking other women with strap-ons; it didn’t make it any less porn, it didn’t ease her feeling of disgust toward herself afterward because getting off on porn also made her a hypocrite no matter how she tried to justify it to herself. You’re sick.“Yeah. Sounds about right,” Helena sighed.She turned to look at the computer, a picture of Hunnigan sitting at the kitchen table with one leg crossed over the other, taking a sip of her coffee while her free hand was resting on her laptop’s touchpad, still in fullscreen on Helena’s display. Major had captioned it “the love of my life hard at work already before morning coffee”. It was several years old but Helena still felt bad for the guy, he genuinely did come across like he’d been very much in love with Hunnigan. Somehow, realizing that made Helena feel even more disgusted with herself.Sighing, Helena glanced at the clock. It was almost four in the morning.“One more drink, then I’m going to bed,” she said to herself, got up and went to mix herself another rum and coke. She’d just circled over to the couch when there was a frantic knock on her door. Frowning, she put on her bathrobe to cover up and reached for her handgun which sat on the coffee table, recently thoroughly cleaned when she’d decided to postpone her suicide and do that instead.She tucked the pistol into the oversized pocket in front of her robe, her hand squeezing the grip as she reached to unlock the door with her right hand and leaned to look through the spyhole.“What the hell...” she muttered, clicked the safety back on and opened the door.“Oh, thank God,” Hunnigan sighed in visible relief and opened her arms only to instantly wrap them around Helena. The moment she did, Helena stepped to her and when Hunnigan’s arms closed around her, she pressed the side of her face against Hunnigan’s shoulder and closed her eyes. She didn’t know what this was about, she didn’t know why Hunnigan was here when there was no logical reason for her to be, but Helena didn’t care, the reasons for her being here didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that she was here, her arm around the small of Helena’s back, making her feel safe, her other hand gently running through her hair as she nuzzled Helena’s head and pressed a hard kiss on top of it.But as much as Helena would’ve wanted to remain in blissful ignorance of how and why they were here like this now, she couldn’t put off asking about it forever. She held onto Hunnigan for a long moment, not really wanting to retreat from he embrace, but growing aware of this quickly beginning to turn awkward unless she did.“Not that I don’t appreciate this... but... what the hell are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to New York,” she said.“I did, I came back. You didn’t answer your phone, I was worried.”“I forgot it on vibrate. You... were worried? And you drove from New York to check up on me? I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the attention but that sounds a bit excessive.”“I know what you were doing,” Hunnigan said and Helena’s mouth dropped open. She couldn’t believe Hunnigan would’ve somehow managed to keep track of Helena’s recent online activities, let alone magically figure out Helena had just masturbated to the thought of her. Then she realized what Hunnigan was referring to.When she elaborated on what she knew and how she’d put it together, Helena was internally screaming at herself to deny it, come up with some kind of a lie and deliver it convincingly enough to get Hunnigan to believe it, but... she couldn’t. She had nothing to say. She felt awkward and embarrassed about it all but at the same time, she was moved by the realization that someone cared enough to come check up on her at a time like this. Then she went back to feeling embarrassed and a little guilty because evidently Hunnigan had driven here on Christmas eve just to confirm that Helena was okay.Dozens of things could’ve gone wrong during the drive, at the worst, she could’ve gotten killed in an accident, and it would’ve been more or less Helena’s fault. At the very least Hunnigan being here right now meant that there was a little boy in New York who would be waking up to Christmas morning only to find that his mother wasn’t there because of Helena. I didn’t ask her to come here, Helena thought irritably.She stepped to the side, silently inviting Hunnigan in. When the door was closed, Helena went to the living room and realized her laptop was still open on Major’s Facebook-page. She cleared her throat and hurried to close it, trying to look nonchalant and like she wasn’t hurrying to hide something from Hunnigan. When the lid was closed, she dug the pistol out from her pocket and placed it on the table. She noticed the way Hunnigan glanced at it.“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna shoot myself with you standing there,” Helena said dryly, released the magazine and pulled the slide back, capturing the bullet in her palm when it was ejected from the chamber.“I wasn’t thinking about that.”“Okay,” Helena shrugged. She still didn’t know what to say and it was becoming apparent that Hunnigan didn’t really have words right now either. Helena supposed she hadn’t thought further than arriving here. Yeah, probably thinking she’d find your corpse. Imagine driving all night with a concern like that weighing you down. You cause nothing but trouble and pain to everyone around you. It’s remarkable really. Everyone who has ever cared about you got pain in return. You don’t deserve to have anyone care about you, her grandmother’s voice said.“You shouldn’t have come here, there was no need,” Helena muttered. Hunnigan sighed a little and sat down next to Helena.“Maybe not by the time I figured it out.”“You’ve already done more than any decent person should be expected to do in your shoes, you don’t have to worry about me, or go around blaming yourself even if I did go through with it despite you trying to help, it’s not about you or what you could do differently.”“Helena, I’m not here to pre-emptively absolve myself of guilt, I’m here because I care about you. I don’t want you to die.”“Let’s just forget this happened.”“I can’t do that. If our roles were reversed, would you?” Hunnigan reasoned and Helena exhaled deeply.“No, I wouldn’t,” she admitted quietly. A heavy silence draped itself over them like a thick fog, and Helena could tell Hunnigan was working really hard to find the right words, the right questions, and Helena would’ve wanted to tell her she didn’t need to bother, it wouldn’t change anything.“What is causing this? What’s hurting you?” she finally spoke. Helena scoffed a little. Considering everything that had gone on in her life recently, Hunnigan should’ve known better. Then again, Helena accepted that she was being a bit unreasonable because since Deborah’s death, Helena had made sure she’d come across as fine. No one was supposed to know the extent of her hurt, Hunnigan wouldn’t either had Helena not left her gun out, or had Helena gone ahead and pulled the trigger instead of stopping when Hunnigan had knocked on her door yesterday.“I mean, I have some idea, but... I didn’t know it was this bad. I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.” Oh, look at that. She is here trying to save your fat ass and she’s the one apologizing to you about something she’s not even responsible for. Nice job, you stupid bitch. Sergeant Good’s voice this time. Helena wondered when she could start considering herself actually schizophrenic with all these voices in her head. She supposed it didn’t count as mental illness since she knew the voices weren’t actual voices, they weren’t auditory hallucinations, they were dark negative thoughts she’d given names to.“Don’t,” was all she managed to say.“Please, talk to me.”“I can’t. I don’t have anything to say.”“Can I help?”“No.”“Helena...”“Look, if I wanted to talk about this, I would’ve called someone. But I don’t. So just drop it,” Helena said sternly.“Okay. We’ll just sit here in silence then,” Hunnigan nodded, slapped her palms over her knees and sat up straight, staring at the wall in front of her.“You have places to be, so please, just... go home.”“You’re right, I do have a place to be and right now that place is here. I’m not going to leave you alone.”“How did you even get in the building?” Helena then asked, realizing it was the middle of the night and that the door to the building locked automatically at 6.00 P.M. and unless you had a key, you couldn’t enter.“It involves paying a prostitute to distract the doorman while I hacked the electronic lock.”“Seriously?”“No, but the truth is boring,” Hunnigan said before explaining she’d simply flashed her DSO-badge to the superintendent who’d been on call and he’d taken her seriously enough since the badge looked as official as they came when in reality the only authority it gave its bearer was a few parking privileges and even those applied only in the D.C. area. Helena chuckled a little.“Stop making me feel better,” she then scolded Hunnigan and tried to stifle the rest of the laughter about to erupt from her just because Hunnigan had joked around.“Never.”“I’m not gonna do anything to myself, you can go home. I don’t want your son to have to spend Christmas without you just because of me,” Helena then said.“Ah, so that’s it. You think asking me to stay would take something away from him. So, you won’t ask me even if you wanted to.”“It would take you away from him.”“I guarantee he won’t even notice because my parents will be busy spoiling him. So, stop using that as an excuse. Right now, you need me more than he does. Maybe saying that makes me a horrible mother but I’m still right. Seeley is okay, you’re not.”“I’m not okay,” Helena nodded and burst into tears without any warning and unable to hold it back. Without missing a beat, Hunnigan wrapped her arms around Helena and pulled her close.“You don’t have to be, not so soon after everything. Just don’t give up, we can fix this. I will help you, I promise,” Hunnigan whispered.“I don’t know if you can, if anyone can,” Helena whimpered in between shuddering breaths.“We’ll fix it. Together. Trust me.”And Helena did.
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena woke up shortly before noon after finally having managed to get to sleep. She’d stayed up until almost seven in the morning, talking with Hunnigan, telling her about how the demeaning voice which had always been there to tell her how worthless she is had gotten really loud and impossible to ignore lately, which in return had resulted in her wanting to give up. Hunnigan had argued that voice was wrong but understood that it wasn’t as simple as that because the “ignore it and it’ll go away”-method of dealing with that particular type of unpleasantness didn’t work.By the time she’d finished talking and literally crying on Hunnigan’s shoulder, she’d felt better (and had soaked Hunnigan’s sweater with her tears and with her runny nose). Hunnigan hadn’t offered platitudes, she hadn’t said it would be okay and expected it would be enough, she hadn’t tried forcing a solution to the problem. She’d just been there and listened, and Helena hadn’t realized until just then that being heard was what she’d needed the most. That and the hug she’d spent most of the early morning in until she’d decided she’d been done talking and crying, and just wanted to sleep. Oh, doesn’t this look nice, hm? Sergeant Good inquired in the back of Helena’s head when she noticed the generous view of Hunnigan’s chest. She’d had to borrow a shirt from Helena after the younger woman’s tears had soaked her own, and the only shirt Helena’d had clean was the one she never wore because she hated the low-cut neckline. She’d gotten it from Deborah a few years ago, her younger sister stating that with a decent push-up bra, the shirt would do justice to Helena’s rack. She hadn’t realized Helena had no desire to show off said rack, but she’d accepted the gift regardless and forgotten about it over time. Stop , she scolded herself but didn’t do anything to avert her eyes. Instead, she found herself paying more attention, glancing over the thin white stretch marks, counting the freckles on the olive skin, shamelessly staring at the curve of the breast.
God, I just want to bury my face in her tits and disappear from the world.
Helena snorted quietly at the thought lancing through her head. It was ridiculous, sounded like something someone in one of those poorly-written romance novels might say. Why am I like this? she asked herself once again. She jolted a little when a demanding and loud noise came from the bedside table when Hunnigan’s phone vibrated. Helena then quirked an eyebrow when she felt Hunnigan press her palm against her back and rub a comforting circle on it. She thought I jumped because I was having a nightmare, this is what she did at the cabin too, Helena mused. She tucked her head under Hunnigan’s chin, not waking Hunnigan up completely to let her know of the incoming phone call. She knew she was being selfish but she didn’t think she’d get many more chances like this. She’d feel bad over it later, she was sure. But right now that didn’t matter.“Oh, crap,” Hunnigan muttered after reaching for her phone and unlocking it. Helena turned to lay on her back and opened her eyes slowly, hoping to still look sleepy enough to pass for someone who’d only just now woken up.
“What’s wrong?”“Seventeen missed calls from my mother and, I kid you not, thirty-six text messages,” Hunnigan smirked, sat up and dialed her mother. Helena leaned her head into her palm and watched Hunnigan get up from the bed as her mother answered the phone. Helena couldn’t make out what she was saying but she could hear the agitated tone through the phone.“Sí, lo sé, mamá, pero esto era una emergencia. Literalmente de vida o muerte. A ver, si quisiera hacer algo solo para ponerte mal, no me habría molestado siquiera en venir en un primer momento.”Hunnigan pinched the bridge of her nose before lowering her hand to rest on her hip as she listened to the angry rant continue."Soy una adulta, no necesito pedirte permiso. No me importa que seas mi madre, no te da el derecho a actuar de la forma que haces. No voy a tener esta discusión, voy a colgar. Te veré cuando te vuelva a ver."Hunnigan ended the call and muttered something under her breath before turning to face Helena, who slowly got out of bed as well.“I don’t speak Spanish and I only understand it if it's spoken slowly and in a horrible American accent, but I get the feeling your mother was not happy with you and wants you to come home,” she chuckled.
“That about sums it up,” Hunnigan confirmed. “So, get ready and let’s go.”“What are you talking about?”
“If you think I’m just gonna leave you alone in here, you are sorely mistaken.”“Jesus Christ, Hunnigan, I’m fine, I’m not gonna do anything!”
“No you’re not because you’re coming with me. Unless you’d rather I’ll have you involuntarily hospitalized.”“You wouldn’t dare!” Helena narrowed her eyes, quickly becoming genuinely agitated.
“Watch me.”“If you do that, I’ll never forgive you.”
“At least you’ll be alive to hold a grudge,” Hunnigan shrugged.“You really are serious,” Helena muttered and Hunnigan nodded before tugging the borrowed T-shirt over her head and tossing it to Helena before reaching for her own clothes, oblivious to Helena’s gaze washing over her.
“Of course I am. Now, chop-chop, take a shower while I scrounge up something to eat and let’s go,” Hunnigan said and headed out toward the kitchen, Helena following behind her.“I doubt your parents would appreciate you showing up with a stray human at Christmas.”
“According to my mother, I’ve already ruined everything, so you being there wouldn’t make things worse. If anything, it might save me from my mother’s wrath. She’s less likely to murder me if there are witnesses.”“This makes me very uncomfortable. Don’t make me do this,” Helena pleaded. It was bad enough that her mind was in the gutter first thing in the morning and she doubted it would resurface anytime soon, add to that the fact that she was extremely hungover. She genuinely didn’t believe she would be capable of handling meeting Hunnigan’s parents in this state.“I’m not going to force you, but I really am worried about you and wouldn’t want you to be alone.”
“How about a compromise; I’ll text you every five minutes so you’ll know I’m alive,” Helena smirked and Hunnigan smiled.“I guess that’ll have to do,” she said and opened the fridge, hoping to find something to make breakfast out of but found only an almost empty bottle of cola and half a bottle of rum, along with an expired jug of milk, one egg, and ketchup.
“You live like this?” she quirked an eyebrow.“I wasn’t really planning on living.”
“Helena.”“Too soon?”
“Much,” Hunnigan sighed and slammed the fridge door shut. “Okay. Plan B, we’re going to my place.”“Look, I can just order take out, I’ll be fine!”
“You know I won’t let this go, so just indulge me,” Hunnigan rolled her eyes. Helena exhaled deeply and gave up. She got dressed, grabbed her shoulder bag and was about to grab her gun when Hunnigan gripped her wrist.“The gun stays here.”
“I feel naked without it.”“I don’t care,” Hunnigan said and tugged on Helena, dragging her outside.
“Nice wheels,” Helena commented when Hunnigan pointed out the black SUV and they climbed in.“It’s Major’s. Then again, he did admit he used the alimony as the money down for this, so technically I did pay for a part,” Hunnigan chuckled as she started the engine.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of the ex-wife paying the alimony, usually it’s the other way around,” Helena muttered.“I suppose it is rare. We agreed on a lump sum and got it over with. Back then the intention was to cut ties and not have to deal with each other, but then Seeley happened, and I couldn’t just not tell him,” Hunnigan shared.
“He seemed glad to have him,” Helena said and only when Hunnigan frowned a little, she realized she’d slipped information she shouldn’t have had, she wasn’t supposed to know about how happy Major had been when he’d discovered Hunnigan had been pregnant. “You know, based on how he interacted with Seeley, granted I didn’t witness much, but compared to how my parents were, you know,” she tried saving it, barely managing to not stammer and trip over her words, an unpleasant heat rising to her face when the terror of possibly getting caught spying gripped her heart.“Well, you’re not wrong,” Hunnigan commented and Helena dared to breathe again when Hunnigan seemed to let it go without questioning Helena about it. After a few minutes, they arrived at the apartment building where Hunnigan lived.Helena had half expected Hunnigan’s home to be decorated with black and chrome, and with minimalist furniture. Instead, she seemed to prefer shades of brown and beige, the tones giving the apartment a warm overall feeling.“Watch your step,” Hunnigan said as she went ahead, kicking Seeley’s toys cluttering the floor to the side to clear a path.
“No worries,” Helena said.“You can leave your bag and coat there, I’ll go grab you a fresh towel.”
“Towel? What, why?”“For drying off after a shower, unless you’re the type who just shakes off like a wet dog,” Hunnigan smirked.
“Well, no, but... okay, fine, I do need a shower,” Helena sighed and took her shoes off before following Hunnigan to the bathroom. She accepted the towel and closed the door behind Hunnigan who excused herself to make breakfast while Helena showered.She undressed and humphed agitatedly at herself when she noticed the dried white stains in her underwear from last night’s self-indulgence, cursing her stupidity over not having taken the time to change. Now she’d need to wear them even after showering, or go commando, neither option sounding exactly appealing. Oh, come now, it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not like this is the first time you’ve had to go about the day wearing cum-stained undies, Sergeant Good reminded her and Helena suddenly felt like vomiting. You’re disgusting. You’re sick! her grandmother’s voice joined in. Right now, Helena was inclined to agree, even though a tiny voice within was trying to contradict the statement, rather reminding her there was nothing wrong with her. It was quickly silenced, assassinated by the loud chorus of hate.She showered quickly and toweled off just as fast before proceeding to pull her jeans back on in the humid air, the fabric clinging to her skin. Getting her bra on was worse and even more uncomfortable. She muttered every curse she could think of as she unrolled the garment and pulled it down while having to lift her breasts to adjust them in a desperate attempt to find a comfortable fit. I’m getting a breast reduction, she grumbled internally after finally getting everything in place and put on her T-shirt. She then shoved the panties into her pocket and finally exited the bathroom.When she entered the kitchen, Hunnigan told her to take a seat and placed a plate of eggs and bacon in front of her, then retrieved the bread from the cabinet and finally, the butter, tomatoes and cucumber from the fridge. Helena didn’t honestly think she could eat all that, but didn’t bother telling that to Hunnigan who seemed determined to ensure she had a decent breakfast.“Coffee’s almost done, grab some if you want, I’m gonna go shower and I’ll be with you soon,” she said.“Thank you,” Helena managed before Hunnigan went. She ate the eggs and the bacon first, slowly growing more hungry as she did, and when she was finished, she decided she had room for a sandwich. She made one and went to grab coffee to wash it down with. She let out an amused scoff when she looked into the fridge and saw how immaculately clean and well organized it was; somehow little things like that were so Hunnigan. Helena grabbed the small glass container and poured milk from it into her coffee and walked around the apartment as she sipped it and ate her sandwich.The apartment’s walls were mostly decorated with framed photo collages, most with pictures of Hunnigan with Seeley, some of them had pictures of people Helena assumed were relatives and friends. Helena leaned in to take a closer look of a photo in which Hunnigan seemed to be on a small stage with a guitar, accompanied by a few others with their instruments. She looked like she was probably in her late teens in the photo. Well, who knew, you used to be a rock star, Helena smiled a little. There were a few similar ones, and more that seemed to be taken at parties, there was even one in which she was apparently grabbing a drink with Leon, his arm over her shoulders as she leaned her head to his, both of them raising their drinks to whoever had been holding the camera.Next was a series which Helena assumed was from Hunnigan’s college days, the photo of her in action on a basketball court catching her attention immediately.
Oh, that’s going in the wank bank, amirite?
“For the love of God, just shut up,” Helena muttered to herself and sighed, moving to look over the bookshelf. The books there were mostly crime novels and some science fiction, a collection of various trophies and medals on the top of the shelf in a neat row. She really likes to win, Helena smiled and returned to the kitchen. Hunnigan joined her shortly after finishing her shower and getting dressed, tying her wet hair back.“Want a refill?” she inquired as she poured herself a mug and Helena nodded.
“Thanks.”“Where’d you get milk?” Hunnigan frowned as she turned to put the pot back in its place.
“...the fridge, where else?” Helena chuckled as she sipped her coffee.“Yeah, but I don’t... oh, dear.”
“What? What’s happening, why are you making that face?” Helena narrowed her eyes when Hunnigan bit her lower lip as she was desperately trying not to laugh.“It’s breastmilk.”
“It’s what! ”“I still nurse Seeley, but I donate the surplus, I just put it in the fridge to wait until I could freeze it,” Hunnigan explained and lost her poker face.
“I just thought you’d stored the rest of a milk jug in a smaller container to make more room in the fridge!”“Well, if it’s any consolation, it has a lot of health benefits,” Hunnigan wheezed and doubled over.
“It’s not funny,” Helena pouted.“It’s huh-larious!”
“Promise me we’ll never speak of this!” Helena said and without thinking went to take another drink from her mug, realizing she was doing it only when Hunnigan howled with laughter at what she was doing. Helena let the coffee dribble back into the mug.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena took a seat at the bar and checked her phone, more than a little disappointed to discover she had imagined it vibrating, there were no new messages. Hunnigan had spoken with her the entire drive to New York and after she’d ended the call, Helena had realized just how damn quiet it was in her apartment, so she’d decided to head out to her favorite bar after checking to make sure it was open on Christmas day.“Helena Fucking Harper, what are you doing here on a day like this?” the bartendress asked and Helena smirked.
“Jane Fucking Palmer, I’m here ordering a drink,” she said and the bartendress was already mixing it, remembering Helena’s go-to drink by heart.“I take it you two know each other,” a male voice commented and Helena turned to look to her side. “Or then you’re just incredibly rude to each other for no reason,” Leon added as he took a seat on the barstool next to Helena and ordered a whiskey, neat.
“We served together, she saved my life in Afghanistan,” Jane said and served Leon his drink.“I was only doing my job.”“What happened?” Leon asked and Helena sighed a little as Jane told the story. From her point of view, it sounded like Helena was a hero. From Helena’s point of view, she was not. She hated being considered larger than life only for doing duty. Besides, she hadn’t saved everyone. She hadn’t saved Maxima.“We were supporting a team that was hunting some high priority targets and our vehicle hit an IED, and before anyone knew what the hell was happening, we were being pelted with rockets and bullets, and this one carries me and three others to cover and patches us up so we don’t just die while waiting for backup.”“It was nothing, besides, you didn’t even weigh anything with your leg blown off,” Helena smirked and Jane guffawed.
“I didn’t know you served. Thank you f-” Leon said began to say and Helena groaned loudly.“Yes, yes, you’re welcome for my service,” she sighed and downed the shot Jane had poured her.
“Most of us don’t actually like it when people say that,” Jane whispered loudly and refilled Helena’s glass, only to need to do it again a few seconds later after Helena greedily emptied it. She wanted to skip right to the passing out in a pool of vomit-part.“Sorry.”
“It’s fine, I know you and everyone saying it mean well,” Helena said.“You wanna get a table and sit with me?” Leon asked and Helena narrowed her eyes at him.
“If you’re thinking of hitting on me, now is really not the time.”“I wasn’t, I was just asking if you wanted to sit with me so neither of us has to look like the losers we are, getting drunk alone on a Christmas day,” he chuckled.
“All right. Jane, can we get a couple of Zombie Punches. Supersize ‘em and put them on his tab,” she then smirked and Leon scoffed amusedly.“Zombie punch, really?” he asked.
“It’s got all kinds of tasty goodness and a ton of rum, and it’s served in a vase, you’ll love it,” she assured him.“Well, the serving size certainly has my attention,” he laughed.
“Why are you here?”“Same as you, to get drunk.”
“I would’ve imagined you’d have somewhere else to be,” Helena frowned a little. He informed her that Sherry was with Claire and Chris, and they’d travelled to spend the holidays with Barry Burton and his family.“They did invite me to go with them, but I didn’t want to because I already know I would’ve messed up their Christmas too, so I rather stuck with my own tradition, which is to get drunk and spend quality time alone,” he said, then turned his attention to Jane when she served him the cocktail which came in a large copper vase, like Helena had said it would.“Wow, I’m gonna have to remember this drink so I can order it again,” he commented after taking a taste.“I’m sure you’ll remember,” Helena grinned as she slid down from the barstool and went to sit at a table with Leon, not telling him she was sure he’d remember when he’d get his credit card statement and realize the cocktail in question cost over sixty dollars if supersized.“So, why are you here?” he then asked her as he took a seat across from her.“I wasn’t invited to go anywh... well, okay, technically, I was kind of invited somewhere,” Helena corrected herself when she recalled Hunnigan having threatened to take her with her to New York, “but it would’ve been awkward so I decided to stay home and get drunk. It’s my tradition too,” she said.“Listen... I’ve been around long enough to notice when people aren’t okay and frankly, you don’t seem okay. Plus, I know a thing or two about what it’s like when one moment you’re thrilled to be alive and the next you’re sort of disappointed that you’re alive,” he said and Helena quirked an eyebrow.“I seem disappointed to be alive?”
“No, but like... when the investigation was over and you didn’t get the death penalty, you seemed relieved, but recently, you’ve seemed a bit down, and I just thought...” he trailed off and shrugged one shoulder a little.Truthfully, he wasn’t wrong, not completely. Helena had been relieved... but that had been before the charges against her had been dismissed. She’d been relieved when she’d thought she would be given the lethal injection which she believed was the default punishment when it came to dealing with people who were pretty much single-handedly responsible for the President’s death. She’d wanted the death penalty. She’d finished her mission, Simmons was dead, Deborah was avenged, there was nothing left to do, it should’ve been the end of her story.But then, Hunnigan had happened, just like she’d happened last night. Helena wasn’t sure if she should consider Hunnigan her personal savior or a goddess of torture and punishment sent to ensure Helena wouldn’t be given the easy exit she wanted.“I almost killed myself yesterday,” Helena said frankly and Leon paused for a few seconds, swallowed the drink in his mouth and cleared his throat, and Helena could practically hear the gears turning in his head as he tried to think of something to say. She spoke again before he did, offering him a little more time to think, although she wasn’t sure what she was expecting him to say, or if she wanted him to say anything in the first place.“I literally had my gun in my mouth, and I was already pulling the trigger when Hunnigan showed up,” she said and continued to explain the whole situation and what had happened later that night and today (leaving out the embarrassing part about the breast milk in her coffee).“And now I’m torn between feeling grateful for everything she’s done and angry because I didn’t ask her to come over here, but she did and now it’s on me that her parents are pissed off and she couldn’t be there with son this morning.”
“Sounds like she really cares about you, what a bitch,” Leon commented sarcastically and took a long sip of his drink, sucking on the straw hard enough to dent his cheeks.“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”“I know. Listen... I’ve been there. After Raccoon City, I was determined to take down Umbrella and I was thrilled to have survived, but that feeling and that bravado faded a lot faster than I would’ve imagined. I started realizing how shitty things are when a pharmaceutical company can run an entire city and use its people as human guinea pigs without their consent, and no one bats an eye. The corruption of it all and the feeling of helplessness when I thought of how little I can do alone sent me spiraling,” he shared and shook his head a little before leaning to take another long sip of his drink.“What did you do?” Helena asked quietly.“Put my gun to my head. Like you, I was already pulling the trigger, but then I thought... what would that accomplish? I’d be the coward who gave up. I’d be abandoning Sherry. She was just a kid, she’d...” he paused to swallow hard and take a few deep breaths as he struggled to keep the stoic mask on and hide the fact that he was about to cry when he though back on it all.“She’d gotten infected, she’d lost her parents, Claire had ran off too, and now after all that, Sherry was practically held hostage and experimented on by our own government, I couldn’t just leave her. Even if I didn’t do much good in the end, at least I was there... until I wasn’t,” Leon mumbled and took another drink, deciding to leave the straw out and drink straight from the vase instead.“It turned out okay this way, I suppose... even if it doesn’t always really feel like it,” he said and took another drink.
“What do you do when the pain comes back and starts getting overwhelming?” Helena muttered.
“The one thing anyone would tell you not to do, I get drunk,” Leon offered a rueful smile.“You sound drunk,” Hunnigan commented when she finally had a chance to call Helena again. It was past midnight and everyone else had gone to bed, Hunnigan had the living room to herself.
“So do you,” Helena countered and Hunnigan chuckled as she poured herself a glass of her father’s scotch, leaned back against the couch’s armrest and raised her feet onto the cushions.“It’s because I am getting there,” Hunnigan admitted. “Believe me, after the day I’ve had, I need this.”
“That bad, huh? At least your mother didn’t murder you.”“Oh, I tell you what, she tried. There was a lot of yelling.”
“Yelling doesn’t kill you.”“You haven’t been yelled at by my mother,” Hunnigan laughed softly, twirled the drink in the glass for a moment and took a sip.
“I’m sorry, Hunnigan. I’m the reason you got in all sorts of trouble.”“You don’t have to apologize. Coming to check up on you was totally worth getting yelled at. Besides, it’s not like I didn’t get something out of it.”
“And what’s that?” Helena questioned.“A hearty laugh when you drank that breast milk latte.”
“You promised you wouldn’t speak of it again!”“I promised not to tell anyone else, I didn’t say I wouldn’t tease you about it when it’s just you and I,” Hunnigan laughed quietly and Helena scoffed.
“Yeah, yeah, a part of you is now inside me, stored in my colon forever, probably. Does that make you happy?” she drawled.“Well, when you put it like that it just sounds nasty,” Hunnigan said and poured herself another drink. “So, how are you feeling?” she then asked. Helena sighed deeply on the other end of the call and Hunnigan could imagine her rolling her eyes.
“I’m fine, considering. I don’t feel like talking about it.”“Perhaps you don’t, but you can’t deny you need help.”
“You’re my support agent, so support,” Helena chuckled, and Hunnigan did too before informing her that her attempt at dismissing the issue would not work.“I’m not really the type who shares in a circle.”
“I know, but it doesn’t change anything, the fact still remains that you need professional help. You can keep stubbornly putting it off, but you shouldn’t. There’s no shame in it and frankly, you’ll feel better once you get started. Don’t you want to feel better?”“Of course I do. And I know you’re right, but it’s... difficult to get started, you know?” Helena muttered and Hunnigan exhaled deeply. She took a swallow of the scotch.
“I know. Believe me, I know,” she said quietly.“Hunnigan?”
“Yeah?”“I’m kind of tired, but I don’t want to hang up because I know that the moment I do, I won’t be able to sleep anyway because it’s too quiet. Can you... um... could you wait until I fall asleep before hanging up?” Helena requested.
“Sure,” Hunnigan said and finished her drink, deciding against pouring another.“I appreciate it.”
“Want me to keep talking or...?”“I would like that. It would be less awkward, I guess,” Helena chuckled a little and yawned, the sound of her bedsheets and blanket swishing clearly audible as she moved, a light scratching sound following as Helena adjusted the cord and the earpiece after getting to bed.“Once upon a time, a young woman named Amanda Cousland travelled to a fortress known as Ostagar to join king Cailan in his fight against darkspawn that were threatening to overwhelm the kingdom...”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena snapped awake, her body covered in sweat, her blanket, pillow and the sheets unpleasantly damp with it as well. Her phone clattered to the floor as a result of her abrupt movement. She yanked the earbuds from her ears and gathered the cord into a messy bunch before tossing it over to the nightstand, then leaned over the edge of the bed to feel the floor for her phone. It took her a while to find it, but when she did, she was relieved to find it was still intact.Helena blew out a breath and wiped her face and neck. She’d been having a nightmare, nothing out of the ordinary about that, but it had been different from the usual. Most people assumed that the nightmares that came with PTSD were always straight-forward flashbacks to the traumatic events, but that wasn’t the case, at least not how Helena experienced it.Often, the dreams became odd combinations of her childhood, her experiences in the military, and ordinary things she’d done during the day, people she’d spoken with, or thought about before falling asleep. That resulted in dreams like the one in which she’d found herself under attack at a grocery store, only the enemies were armed with huge wooden hair brushes rather than assault rifles, and the weapons Helena had with her were useless.This dream had been worse. She’d dreamt she was back at the site of the explosion, only the explosion hadn’t been caused by an IED, but by a huge dragon, breathing fireballs at her as she tried to save her teammates, Leon and Jane fighting off a horde of zombies trying to get to her, Jane beating them back with her prosthetic leg to buy time as Helena tried to save Maxima who wasn’t Maxima but Hunnigan, or what was left of her, her upper half not dead but not alive either. Then her teeth had been on Helena’s throat, then in her throat, and she woke up, a phantom pain stinging on the side of her neck where she’d been bitten in her dream.Helena took a few shuddering breaths and blinked rapidly in an attempt to dispel the horrible mental image that kept popping back the harder she tried to push it away. She sighed and got up, having to take a moment to cough violently, regretting having smoked so much last night; her throat was sore. She then went to plug her phone into the charger and powered it back on. I’m assuming your battery drained. I hope you slept well, and good morning! Text me when you get this, okay? a message from Hunnigan read. She’d sent it about two in the morning which was when Helena supposed the phone call had ended.
You were right the battery died. I slept ok thanks for asking how was your night did you get any sleep? I’m sorry if it got weird i don’t remember much of the call but i do recall asking you to stay on the line awkward huh lol
Helena blew out a breath and went to the kitchen, filled a tall glass with water and drank it greedily, needing a refill immediately after.“Oh, God,” she breathed heavily, filled the glass once more and took it with her to the bedroom. Right now, she had no intention of getting out of bed today unless she absolutely had to. Well, it gave me an excuse to ramble on about Dragon age , so it was my pleasure. How are you feeling? Helena smiled a little at the concern, she couldn’t recall anyone really worrying about her this much. Granted, she didn’t think she’d ever given anyone quite as much reason to worry as she had given to Hunnigan recently. I’m ok. Really. I appreciate your concern but i don’t want you to worry about me i’m ok, Helena assured and put the phone away yet again. She ran her tongue over her teeth and decided to go brush them before settling to lay back down. It wouldn’t take away her headache or the nausea, but it would make her feel closer to human again. She’d just finished rinsing her mouth when she suffered another vicious coughing fit.“Fuck, maybe it isn’t the cigarettes, maybe I’m getting sick,” she exhaled deeply after recovering. “Just what I needed,” she added in a mutter and went to the bedroom. She took her laptop and put it on a chair which she then dragged over next to the bed before diving under the covers. She opened it and navigated to Netflix, browsed for a moment for something to watch, something that didn’t require her to be able to fully pay attention to it. Cartoons tended to work best for hangover days like this. Her phone chimed and she grabbed it.
I worry because I care, that’s all.
Helena stared at the words for a long time as she contemplated on what to reply.
The fact that you care means the world to me.
She would’ve wanted to say something more but didn’t know quite what it would be. She gave up and put the phone away. She was sure Hunnigan had better things to do at the moment, she’d probably text or call Helena later. No, she won’t because as soon as the holidays are over and you have no excuses for not seeking professional help, Hunnigan is gonna abandon you. You won’t be her problem anymore, you’ll be the hospital’s problem, the agency shrink’s problem, but not hers, and she will have no more reasons to keep talking to you, her grandmother’s voice crept into her mind and Helena swallowed hard. She would’ve wanted to deny it but couldn’t, the odds were her grandmother was right. Hunnigan was just doing her duty keeping Helena alive until she could pass her to the next person, what else would it be, why would she genuinely care?
No one cares about you. No one’s looking after you, why would they? You don’t deserve it, you’re here to perform a service and be happy you were useful, don’t you even dare expect others to care for you. Who do you think you are, someone who matters? Don’t flatter yourself, you stupid bitch.
Helena jumped a little when her phone rang and she hurried to answer it.“Yes?”
“Hey. Just checking up on you,” Leon’s voice came from the other end.“I’m fine, but thanks. And thanks for listening to me the entire evening,” Helena said.
“Anytime. And hey... I know everything hurts right now, but remember that a lot of people are alive because you saved them. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to beat yourself up, okay?” he said and Helena smiled.“Thank you.”“So... this might be a long shot, but you wanna hang out?” Leon then inquired. Helena’s first instinct was to tell him he didn’t need to come over to keep an eye on her, that she was fine, that she wouldn’t do anything stupid. Then she paused to consider that perhaps he needed the company as much as she did.“I’ll bring ruuu-uuummm,” he added in a sing-song-y voice before she had a chance to answer.
“Augh, don’t talk about rum to me or I’ll throw up. How can you even consider drinking again?” she groaned and he laughed softly.“I don’t get hungover anymore.”
“That is not normal and it’s definitely a sign of alcoholism rather than something you should be bragging about,” Helena pointed out.“Do you wanna hang out or not?” Leon asked, ignoring Helena’s argument regarding his excessive drinking.
“I do, actually,” Helena then said, gave him her address and ended the call after he’d promised to be there shortly.Hunnigan’s entire back ached thanks to having slept on a mattress that was too soft compared to what she was used to. She was tempted to ask Major for a backrub, but decided against it. She knew herself (and him) well enough to know it would very likely turn into one of those “one thing leads to another”-moments, and that could get awkward.Then again, her mother had already made things awkward in almost every imaginable way, starting from berating Hunnigan over the fact that she still breastfed Seeley, to practically shoving Hunnigan and Major’s faces together and screaming “now kiss!” She failed to understand and accept the thing Major and Hunnigan had realized about their relationship long ago.They loved each other, but they’d never really been in love with each other, that was the problem. They were friends, they got along, they had fun, but they were not lovers. The reason Hunnigan had agreed to marry him was mostly because her mother had pressured her about it. After all, there was something “so pathetic about a bride in her thirties”, as she’d kindly put it, so it wasn’t like Hunnigan could afford to dilly-dally, even if at the time she’d been in her early twenties. As for why Major had proposed in the first place, Hunnigan assumed it was also an idea her mother had implanted into his head, coupled with the belief that once you find a girl you like and get along with, marry her to make sure she won’t run off.There was one thing Hunnigan missed about being married to him, and that was the sex. She hated how shallow it made her sound (when she imagined Major saying the same about her, it hardly felt like a compliment), but it was the unfortunate truth. He was a patient, dedicated lover and over the years they’d been together, he’d gotten very skilled at pleasing her specifically by figuring out her likes and sensitive spots and how to manipulate them the best. The man was great in bed, how was she supposed to not miss having sex with him?“Major,” Hunnigan said, turning to face him.
“Hmm?”“Do you want to have sex?”He opened one eye and looked at her silently for a long time before closing it again.“This feels like entrapment of some kind.”
“A lesser woman would probably be offended by your obvious lack of enthusiasm,” she smirked.“Believe me, it’s taking a lot of effort to remain this cool about it.”
“It’s a simple yes or no-question.” Hunnigan chuckled. “No strings attached, I just want to use you for your body,” she added with a grin and he cleared his throat a little.“I admit, I’m tempted, but the thing is... I’m seeing someone,” he said.
“Oh, well, in that case, nevermind,” Hunnigan laughed softly.“Sorry,” he said awkwardly and Hunnigan frowned.
“Why are you apologizing? Don’t make this weird,” she said and he smiled. “So, how’d you meet? What’s her name?”“Josephine. She works at the profiling unit, we met at work,” he said.
“Has she met Seeley yet?” Hunnigan asked.“No. She knows about him and she has said she would want to meet him, but I wanted to wait to see how serious this would get... and I wanted you to meet her first. I figured if you were seeing someone and it was serious, I’d want to meet the guy to see what kind of a step-dad Seeley would have, so I wanted you to get a chance to meet her first, you know?” Major shrugged one shoulder a little and Hunnigan nodded in agreement.“I’m really glad you’ve found someone,” she then said, and sincerely meant it too.
“Me too. I’m just terrified of telling Isabela about it, she might crucify me when she finds out,” Major jested and Hunnigan chuckled, shaking her head a little. She knew her mother well enough to know she wouldn’t blame Major.“Nah, mom will make it my fault for letting you go in the first place, so don’t worry about it,” she assured him.Seeley grumbled sleepily and sat up in his bed, looking around with his eyes barely open, needing a moment to figure out where he was when it became clear to him he wasn’t in his own room back in D.C..“Would you get him dressed and get some breakfast into him? I gotta do something about my tits,” Hunnigan smirked.
“They look fine to me,” Major commented and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“I was drinking last night, so I’m technically full of spoiled goods,” she poked her tongue out at him.
“All right, all right,” he chuckled, got out of bed and picked Seeley up. “Morning, little dude. You wanna go see if we can scrounge up something to eat?” he asked and the boy nodded, still sleepily rubbing his eyes before slipping his arms around Major’s neck as he carried him out of the bedroom.Hunnigan took out the breast pump from her bag, assembled it and got to work, the procedure a familiar routine by now but still occasionally more than just a tad boring and somewhat uncomfortable. She checked her phone, glad to see Helena had responded to her earlier message.Hunnigan had a chance to exchange a few messages with Helena before Isabela entered the room and before even saying anything made a tiny obviously disgusted noise at the sight that greeted her.“Really, mom?” Hunnigan scoffed at that.
“Well, honestly, you should stop that unless you want Seeley to still be clamped to your tetas when he’s forty,” Isabela huffed.“I don’t understand why you can’t grasp the concept of me not wanting to feed anything artificial to my baby. Besides, it’s good for his immune system.”
“He’s three years old, not a baby.”“I’ve seen some people breastfeed eight year olds.”
“Well, that’s just great, I’m sure it had nothing to do with the mother’s need to feel herself important,” Isabela scoffed sarcastically.“What do you want, mom?” Hunnigan sighed, angry at herself for letting herself get tangled this deep into the same old argument in the first place, she’d sworn she wouldn’t, but her mother had a way of getting under her skin with her disapproving scoffs and remarks, and roping her into an argument. What made it more ridiculous was the subject of the argument, there shouldn’t have been anything to argue about, this wasn’t something Isabela should’ve had a say in in the first place. But of course, that had never stopped her from giving her brutally honest opinions.Hunnigan had tried remaining calm and reasonable with her, she’d repeatedly reminded herself of the fact that this infuriating woman who loved picking her apart was still her mother and the only mother she’d ever have, and that she should respect that. Another part of her felt like that wasn’t exactly right either, it was just something she’d been raised to believe, implanted world views.It hadn’t been until Hunnigan had made the decision to divorce Major that she’d stopped to think that maybe it was time she began doing things for herself, living her own life the way she wanted to live it rather than live it so that her mother approved. The trick was coming to the realization that nothing she’d ever do would be enough because even when she’d done her best to be exactly the way her mother had wanted her to be, it hadn’t been enough. Her various achievements and skills weren’t impressive enough, her job wasn’t impressive enough; her marriage to Major had been the only thing Isabela had approved of (even though she’d felt they’d taken too long to get married), but that approval had come at a high cost for Hunnigan and also to Major. Had they not been pressured and relentlessly hounded about it, the odds were they would’ve had the time to realize they were never meant to be more than friends. Aren’t you a little too old to blame everything on mommy? Hunnigan asked herself internally. Maybe she was, but it didn’t change the fact that her mother had played an important role in pushing Hunnigan to take the paths which had led to disappointing and hurtful dead ends.“Nothing, just came to see if you’re still here or if you’d run off in the middle of the night again.”Hunnigan inhaled through her nose, held it in while counting to ten, and finally exhaled deeply.
Only this time, her trusty method to cool off before saying things she would regret didn’t quite work.
I can't do this anymore. I won't. I'm done. I'm so fucking done.
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Got you beat; I was a cop for a day. Literally, one day,” Helena said and Leon held up a finger to silently tell her to hold on while he finished his drink.
“No, no, I can do better. I also was a cop for one day, but, first day on the job... Raccoon City. Boom, baby.”“Well, shit,” Helena grumbled and took a long drink of rum as were the rules according to the drinking game Leon had come up with, neither one of them any longer remembering what the exact rules were.
“So, what’s your story?” Leon asked, knowing Helena was already aware of his as far as the Raccoon City incident went.“First day on the job and a detective working on a string of rape-homicides brings in a suspect and the guy is being all smug about what he’s accused of, making derogatory comments about women, and I could live with that, I’m used to it, shit like that happens every day, some guys like to walk around thinking they’re superior when in reality they’re somewhere between a chicken and a human female as far as evolution goes...” Helena began agitatedly and paused to take a long drink.“How does that... I mean... so, wait, how...?” Leon frowned and also took a drink.
“Three holes,” Helena said, holding up three fingers to emphasize her point and Leon’s eyebrows rose high.“...I don’t know what that means.”“Women have three holes; one for pissing, one for periods and babies, one for shitting. Men only have two, you cum and piss from the same hole and that is disgusting. You didn’t evolve. Not to mention that the only reason your balls have to hang outside your body is because you can’t even keep your stupid cum alive in normal body temperature! So, evolution-wise, does a being whose reproductive organs have to be outside their bodies and left vulnerable in order for them to remain fertile sound like the superior kind to you? Does it!” Helena ranted and Leon held up his hands in a surrendering gesture.“Someone needs to calm down.”
“Why, because I’m ‘hysterical’?” Helena scoffed.“No, because you’re making me feel bad,” Leon smirked, “I wasn’t given a choice regarding where my reproductive organs end up being.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on you, it’s not like women are flawless either, believe me, I know that too. But you gotta admit it’s typically the guys who act like they are superior when all the evidence suggests otherwise.”“I think some people are shit regardless of their gender and leave it at that,” Leon chuckled, finished his drink and reached for the bottle of rum on the coffee table, fixing himself a fresh drink. Helena wasn’t done with hers, but he poured more rum into her glass as well. At this point they were both drunk enough to not be able to taste the alcohol, so he didn’t bother leaving room for a the mixer.“Cheers, I’ll drink to that!” Helena agreed and clinked her glass against his. “What were we talking about?” she then frowned.
“You were telling me how you were a cop for a day.”“Oh yeah! So, there was that piece of shit, making lewd remarks about my looks, hootin’ and hollerin’ from the cell, and that didn’t get to me, I don’t give a shit most of the time. But when one of the two surviving victims came in and he pulled his dick out and started jerking off, I had to do something.”“And what did you do?” Leon asked, knowing it couldn’t have been anything good, but hoping it was something even worse than what he could think of off the top of his head. Anyone disgusting enough to do what that suspect had done deserved the worst.“I got into the cell with him and stabbed him in the crotch with a ballpoint pen. The wounds got infected and his dick and balls basically fell off as a result,” Helena chuckled. “I guess it’s cruel to laugh but I’m not sorry, he deserved it. I hate rapists,” she then added through clenched teeth.“For what it’s worth, I approve,” Leon nodded.“Thanks, it’s worth a lot. Most people wouldn’t. At least not publicly because they like to think they’re above all that, above the violence, above the anger, but at the end of the day, they’re the ones who cause the most trouble because they bottle that shit up until one day, they end up murdering their family just because someone put the toilet paper roll in the wrong way,” Helena shrugged. “I didn’t get charged since there was no evidence... the security cameras happened to conveniently glitch when I allegedly stabbed the suspect,” she continued and Leon scoffed.Conveniently indeed. He would’ve wanted to condemn such actions from whoever had been in charge of disappearing the evidence, but in all honesty, had it been up to him and he’d been put in a position to try and save a fellow cop’s career or help an unapologetic rapist/murderer end the cop’s career... there was no doubt about it, he’d choose the cop’s career despite knowing it isn’t the right thing to do. But justice can’t always be black and white.“...but I did get fired after a very short investigation by internal affairs.”
“So, how did you go from disgraced cop to DSO agent?” Leon quirked an eyebrow and Helena smiled.“Hunnigan must’ve been headhunting and on paper, I am golden... unless you read to the very end where they discuss my less than sunny disposition. Then that thing with Deborah’s piece of shit boyfriend happened, and my transfer was canceled.”
“What did happen?”“He beat her, I shot his ear off. He sued, jury deadlocked... and before I knew it, I was being shipped off to Secret Service. It didn’t make sense to me at the time, but I wasn’t about to argue over it, it was a good thing I’d have a job at all considering my various indiscretions. Little did I know it was because Simmons had made it happen so he could use me for his own goals. I guess me shooting that jerk’s ear off showed Simmons just how far I’d go to protect Deborah and he saw his opportunity,” Helena grumbled.“Well, hey. You’re here now, that’s what matters.”
“Hah, tell that to agents like Skylark who think I’m fucking people to keep my job,” Helena scoffed and Leon laughed hard.“Fucking who, the agency’s out and proud gay director?” he chuckled into his glass as he took a drink and Helena shrugged, not commenting. Leon didn’t ask again and instead turned their attention back to their drinking game.“The most embarrassing thing you’ve done. Beat this: I thought Claire was seeing this Neil-guy, and I got jealous, got drunk, went to her apartment building and started screaming under her window ‘Claire, don’t fuck him, you don’t have to fuck me either, but just don’t fuck him’. She heard it. As did the whole building and probably the building on the other side of the street too,” Leon said and Helena smirked victoriously.“Got you beat, I drank Hunnigan’s breast milk.”
“Oh, come on!” Leon spat in the middle of taking a drink from his glass, the rum spraying from his mouth and flowing over the edge of the glass as he did, and Helena nodded to confirm.“I did.”
“What, like straight from the source?” he asked, a slightly lewd grin tugging the corner of his mouth as he thought about it.“No,” Helena scoffed, rolling her eyes.
“There are Japanese men who pay good money to do that, don’t mock it,” Leon commented and Helena quirked an eyebrow.“I don’t want to know why you are so knowledgeable regarding Japanese men’s consumption of breast milk,” Helena said and explained to him what had happened the other day.
“Okay, you win everything, because there is nothing I can think of that would beat drinking Hunnigan’s breast milk,” Leon gave up, not elaborating what it was Helena won exactly because at this point neither of them really knew.“Please, there was just a splash of it in my coffee, when you word it like that it sounds like I was chugging the stuff,” Helena sighed.
“I prefer my interpretation of it better,” Leon smiled sweetly and theatrically tilted his head back closing his eyes as he exaggerated imagining it.“You’re one sick puppy, agent Kennedy.”
“What can I say, I have mommy issues,” he smirked and Helena snorted.“Got you beat.”
“How so?” he frowned.“Nevermind, I don’t wanna get into it,” Helena shook her head. “Wanna see something cool?” she then changed the subject. Leon nodded and Helena went to grab her laptop.
“But if it’s that video of the two girls with the cup, then don’t, I’ve already seen it and the novelty has worn off,” he then said and Helena grimaced.“I asked if you wanted to see something cool, and that’s what you think I’d label as cool? What is wrong with you?” she asked and Leon shrugged one shoulder. When she opened the laptop’s lip and accidentally hit space while doing that, the video she’d been looking at earlier continued playing.“... and this is all really simple, you just need to practice it on one string and expand from there, add a little speed and voilá. It's just tap, pick, pull; the way it sounds when played makes it seem harder than it is, but trust me, it’s one of the easiest things you can learn. So, learn it and blow the minds of everyone who thinks these are ultra-complicated riffs .”“Is that Hunnigan?” Leon frowned and leaned over to look at the screen, and Helena laughed awkwardly.
“Yes, and it’s not what I meant to show you, so ignore this.”“I didn’t know she had a channel.”
“She doesn’t, this is her brother’s, she’s just a featuring artist,” Helena said, realizing only after she’d said it how much of a stalker she sounded like, going through someone’s brother’s channel looking for content featuring them. Fortunately for her, Leon didn’t notice it or decided not to comment on that.“I don’t think I’ve seen Hunnigan with her hair open ever before now,” Leon mused instead and took a long moment to seriously think about it.
“So, you wanna see the cool thing I meant to show you?” Helena tried to change the subject.“No, I’d rather see Hunnigan play ‘Classical gas’,” Leon said and pointed at the thumbnail on the sidebar.
“Well, it is cooler than the meme-compilation I was about to show,” Helena agreed and clicked on the video.“ I won’t fuck up this time,” Hunnigan laughed to the man who looked like a male-version of her, with short dark brown hair, a thin handlebar moustache, olive skin, and the same shape blue-gray eyes as Hunnigan’s; obviously that was her brother Nolan.
“Yeah, don’t fuck up,” he laughed too and Hunnigan began playing the song, making it look deceptively easy, her fingers nimbly picking at the strings, the other hand’s digits effortlessly flowing back and forth on the fretboard.Hunnigan’s original plan had been to stay in New York for one more day and come back to D.C. and get to work on the 27th, but the heated discussion she’d gotten into with her mother had made her more than happy to leave a day earlier. Frankly, it hadn’t been much of a discussion, just an exchange of a few but extremely painful words.
“You’re a tall disappointment!”
“Of course I am because nothing I do is enough for you! I’ll have you know I have accomplished a lot, but seeing as my life choices offend you so much, maybe it’s better we just stay away from each other for good.”
When she’d informed her father that she’d be leaving, he’d simply sighed deeply and grumbled something about not blaming her for choosing to do so. When Hunnigan had been a teenager, he’d tried brokering peace between her and Isabela, but it was losing battle, one he’d never been equipped to handle in the first place, so he’d done the next best thing he could think of; stay out of their way and pick up the pieces afterward. Only, it was becoming evident that the pieces would no longer fit together after all the breaking.Hunnigan glanced into the rearview mirror out of habit and sighed a little, only then recalling it was empty; Seeley would be spending the following week with Major, possibly meeting Josephine after Hunnigan had told Major she didn’t mind if he introduced Seeley to her despite Hunnigan not having met the woman prior. Frankly, Hunnigan wasn’t worried she’d be an unpleasant person, she didn’t think Major would be interested in a woman who was; she was more worried Josephine would turn out to be the fun step-mother Seeley would absolutely fall in love with. Hunnigan found herself genuinely dreading Seeley would prefer Josephine over her.It was an irrational fear at this point, but from where Hunnigan was looking at it, it wasn’t an unreasonable fear. She knew she hadn’t been home with Seeley as much as she should’ve, and it wasn’t something she took lightly. Seeley himself had muttered something along the lines of “your work’s stupid” when she’d told him she’d be away for a couple of days for work when she’d gone to take part in the team spirit building-day. It didn’t help that her “away mission” had gotten extended because of the snow storm.Hunnigan interpreted Seeley’s obvious resentment of her work as a symptom of him knowing this evil thing known as “work” was what kept his mother from him most of the day, and sometimes she brought work home, meaning that at times her son was stuck fighting for her attention (often by climbing all over her, occasionally by throwing his toys at her when he got frustrated enough) even at home. It didn’t matter to a two year old (well, almost three) that if his mother didn’t bring work home sometimes, people would be upset because they would have to wait an extra hour for a report they wouldn’t even read properly. Hunnigan doubted there was a way to explain it to him in a way he’d understand why it mattered, sometimes she wasn’t sure she understood it herself either. I wonder how long it would take for people to notice if I just stopped sending in the reports, Hunnigan scoffed internally. Shepard would notice, eventually. Hunnigan certainly hoped he would because if he wouldn’t, there were bigger problems at the agency than budgeting.Hunnigan sighed deeply and pulled to a stop at traffic lights. She’d be driving for at least another hour before getting back to D.C. and as much as she did generally enjoy driving, it was getting boring. There was nothing good on the radio and she’d already listened through the songs in the USB-thumbstick she’d connected to the stereo. Frankly, she’d need to update the library of songs soon, there were so few she didn’t feel like just skipping. I could use someone to talk to, she mused as the light turned green, and an idea came to her.“Call Helena Harper,” Hunnigan ordered her phone after tapping the earpiece to activate it. The line rang for a while before a male voice answered.“A-hoy-hoy.”
“...Leon?” Hunnigan frowned.“The one and only, what can I do for you?” he chuckled.
“Nothing, I must’ve gotten the wrong number, I meant to call Helena.”“Oh, no, it’s the right number, I just picked her phone up. Did you know you’re listed as just ‘Hunnigan’ on her phone? That’s so impersonal. You’re ‘Hunny-Bunny’ in my phone,” Leon chatted, and she sincerely hoped he was joking, but knew he probably wasn’t.
“Why are you picking up Helena’s phone?” Hunnigan asked.“Because she’s a lightweight and passed out, and I stayed over because I haven’t finished my drink, but I’ll head out once I am done with it. Want me to wake her up?”
“No, no, let her sleep, I’ll call her later.”“All right.”
“Bye, Leon,” she said and ended the call. Well, at least she’s okay, Hunnigan thought. If you consider getting blackout drunk with Leon “okay”, that is. ***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan lay on the couch and exhaled deeply through her nose. It was quiet in the apartment, the clock’s usually unnoticeable ticking amplified by the lack of sounds from elsewhere; even the hum of the traffic had faded out. She’d gotten started on dinner, namely, ordered a pizza, and decided to lay down and maybe watch something while waiting for it to arrive, but then the silence had overwhelmed her, and she’d stopped to just listen to it.With the silence had come the odd feeling of... something she couldn’t define. It wasn’t actual depression nor was it sadness, not really apathy either, just... a weird concoction of all of those things, rendering her bored. It wasn’t like she couldn’t think of anything to do, on the contrary; she could’ve read a book, played video games, caught up on the shows she’d been meaning to watch but hadn’t had the time. Hell, she could’ve gotten drunk and just sat at her computer listening to music, she wouldn’t need to worry about breastfeeding Seeley the day after. But she didn’t feel like doing any of those things. Why am I so sad? she asked herself internally, sighing deeply again.The argument with her mother was weighing her down, that was an obvious one, but it wasn’t all of it. She wished it had been that simple. Everything’s the same. That’s the problem, nothing’s changed, I want something to be different, but making a difference is kind of scary and feels overwhelming. And now I’m pre-emptively stressing out over change I haven’t even initiated yet. I wonder if anyone else gets like this, she scoffed to herself, got up and went to answer the door when there was a knock. She paid for the pizza (giving a generous tip for the speedy delivery) and headed back to the living room to eat.She’d managed to find something to watch while eating and gotten one slice down when her phone rang. She humphed, wiped her hands and answered the call.“Hey!” she greeted Helena.“Hi. Leon mentioned you called earlier, so I figured I’d call you back.”“I didn’t have anything important, I just wanted to check in on you and chat,” Hunnigan said, folded up another slice and bit into it.“Well, I just woke up and I’ve gone from happily drunk to kind of hungover... and I think I might be getting sick,” Helena grumbled.“Oh, no, do you have any cold medicine?”“Nah. I’ll live. I think,” Helena laughed and yawned. “So, how’s things over there?”“Uhm, well, over here. I drove back today after I got into a fight with my mom,” Hunnigan chuckled awkwardly. Saying she’d ran from home after fighting with her mom felt like such a dumb thing to say at her age.“Wanna talk about it?” Helena asked. Hunnigan finished chewing and took a sip of cola before leaning to lay back down on the couch, not caring that her pizza would undoubtedly get cold.“She called me a tall disappointment, which isn’t really anything new,” she laughed ruefully.“Well, your mom sounds like a delight,” Helena said sarcastically, “I don’t get why anyone would ever say that to their kid. I mean, unless the kid’s turned out to be a murderer or something worse, then I’d get it, but you certainly haven’t done anything to deserve remarks like that.”“Doesn’t matter. Sure, I’d prefer if it weren’t like this, but it’s nothing new. Last time I left like that was a teenager. Nolan and I had rented an apartment here after we got accepted in the same university.”“You guys went to the same school and lived together? I don’t think I could’ve done that with Deborah. I mean, I love her dearly, but she would’ve driven me insane if I’d had to
share an apartment with her,” Helena laughed and Hunnigan smiled.“I studied computers, he studied music, so it’s not like we had to share a lot of classes. And, well, I do like hanging out with him.”“Wait, I thought you said he’s your little brother, how did you attend school at the same time?” Helena then asked.“Well, technically, he is my little brother, I’m about half an hour older, he was very reluctant to come out into the world.”“Oh, you’re twins! You could’ve just said that,” Helena said and Hunnigan could practically hear her smirk.“I prefer saying he’s my baby brother, I feel like that gives me more of an excuse to be so protective over him.”“So, why did you get into a fight with your mother when you two moved out to go to school?” Helena inquired. Hunnigan switched to the earpiece and put the phone on the coffee table before turning to lay on her side on the couch, hugging one of the decorative pillows against her chest.“I kept some stuff in my parents’ storage unit and I’d told mom I’d clear it out before moving, and I was doing it, but she kept bitching at me how lazy I am for not doing it, all while I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do,” Hunnigan began explaining the ridiculous argument. “I’d driven back and forth between D.C. and New York for a couple of days, and I go back for one more trip, and mom’s there, again telling me it wasn’t done like she thinks I should’ve done it, so I just lost it and started screaming at her. Like, it was ugly. Literally, I was ugly-crying and screaming. You ever get so angry you just... scream and cry?”“Yeah, I have some idea what it’s like to get ridiculously angry,” Helena laughed softly.“Right,” Hunnigan scoffed amusedly. “Well, seeing how much she’d managed to upset me did nothing to deter her from going at me, so I ended up looking like the crazy one who was overreacting.”“Yeah, I had you pegged for one of those people who avoid confrontation until you just explode and everyone thinks you lost your mind because they’re not used to you showing such emotions.”“Exactly. I’m guessing you don’t have that problem.”“Not at all, I’m very quick with my fury,” Helena chuckled.“I like that about you.”“What!” Helena exclaimed before bursting out laughing.“I do. It’s very honest. Plus, I know immediately if I’ve upset you. With me, you’d have to keep upsetting me for days before you’d know,” Hunnigan said with a smile.“Maybe, but at least you stop and think things through before doing stupid shit because you’re angry,” Helena commented and took a deep breath to cough for a moment. When she could breathe normally again, she cleared her throat agitatedly.“Augh, I hate this crap, my throat is killing me.”“Maybe you shouldn’t talk.”“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Helena asked.“No! I just don’t want you to lose your voice.”“I don’t mind losing it talking to you. I like our talks.”“I like them too,” Hunnigan said softly. That said, she couldn’t think of anything more to talk about. She didn’t want to dwell on what had happened with Isabela and she definitely didn’t want to keep whining about it to Helena. She felt her stomach grumble and glanced at the pizza still waiting for her on the table.“Do you have anything to eat?” she asked Helena.“Um... I don’t know, maybe. Probably not.”“Wanna share the rest of my pizza with me? I was really hungry and I ordered an extra large one, but I already know I won’t be able to finish it.”“I would love to, but I’m in no condition to drive.”“I could come over?”“My place is a mess.”“Okay,” Hunnigan said, deciding to drop it; it was beginning to sound like Helena was running out of excuses to not see her.“And I don’t want you to have to drive back and forth,” Helena then added awkwardly and Hunnigan frowned. Was that her way of saying she wanted her to pick Helena up?“I’ve been driving a lot recently, so another trip back and forth wouldn’t be a problem, especially since it’s not like a four hour drive,” she chuckled. “So, if you want me to pick you up, just say the word, because I’d be happy to do it.”“...I would love that.”“Great! I’ll be right over,” Hunnigan smiled and got up, the apathy-like feeling subsiding as she rather felt excited to spend time with Helena.Helena could barely taste the pizza now that her nose was beginning to get blocked by the nasty flu which had already torn her throat raw, that was how it felt like at least. She kept coughing and clearing her throat, but the tickle remained and nothing came out, the dry cough becoming more painful than annoying which was what it had been up until she’d fallen asleep. Despite not being able to properly taste the pizza, she did devour four slices of it, growing hungrier with every bite she’d taken of the first slice.“Oh, man. I shouldn’t have eaten so much but... I regret nothing,” Helena groaned and Hunnigan laughed.“Good!”“Thanks for having me over. And for the pizza.”“Don’t worry about it, I’m glad to have the company.”“I really don’t wanna wear out my welcome. Or get you sick too with all this coughing,” Helena then trailed off awkwardly.“Don’t worry about that either, you’re welcome to stay over if you want.”“I don’t want to be a bother, you’ve already looked after me more than you should’ve needed to.”“I like looking after you. Speaking of, here, drink this,” Hunnigan said and took a seat next to Helena on the couch and handed her a mug, steam rising from it.“What is it?” Helena frowned and peered into the mug.“Ginger tea with some honey and lemon in it. It’ll make you feel better.”“Why are you so nice to me?” Helena narrowed her eyes and took a sip of the tea. Hunnigan laughed heartily and moved to sit cross-legged, tucking her feet underneath her calves to keep them warm.“Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked back, leaning against the arm rest. Helena swallowed the tea and shrugged one shoulder.“I don’t know, I’m not used to people giving two shits about me, so I don’t know how to be when someone takes care of me.”“Well, how about you just try to relax and enjoy it?” Hunnigan suggested.“That’s just it,” Helena shook her head, “I can’t do that. I don’t know how, and I feel like I’m bothering you.”“You’re not. Frankly, you’re doing me a favor because I don’t know how to be without having someone to look after, and now that Seeley’s with his father, I don’t know what to do with all my free time. It gets really quiet and lonely,” Hunnigan explained.“So, what did you do before Seeley was born?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“Well, there was Major. And Leon, babysitting him counts as a full-time job at times. Then there was my brother who’d get in trouble and needed looking after.”“What did he do?” Helena asked and sipped the tea. Hunnigan shifted somewhat uncomfortably on the couch as she considered what to say about it.“He’s... the sensitive type who used to think he can’t make it through life without some crutches. Long story short, I’ve put him through rehab three times.”“Oh. Poor boy,” Helena said and Hunnigan’s eyebrows rose at that. “What? I’m a sympathetic person, no need to look so surprised!”“Sorry, but you did surprise me,” Hunnigan laughed softly.“Well, I get it tho.”“Anyway... my point is, taking care of others is what I do best, so I don’t mind.”“Who takes care of you?”“I do. You know the saying, there are flowers and there are gardeners. I’m a gardener,” Hunnigan shrugged.“Yay, I get to be a flower,” Helena batted her eyelashes and Hunnigan snorted.The conversation wound down as they both turned their attention to the Futurama -marathon on TV, and after a while, Hunnigan noticed Helena had drifted off to sleep. She switched the TV off, retrieved an extra blanket from the closet and draped it over Helena.“Sleep well,” she smiled, turned the lights out and went to the bedroom. It was barely nine thirty in the evening, a little too early for Hunnigan to get to sleep, but she figured she might as well go to bed too. What to do, she mused internally before deciding to continue reading the book she’d left open on the nightstand. Or I could just masturbate, that was the original plan, she then thought, her movement to reach for the book interrupted before she picked it up, and instead settled to lay back down on the bed.She rarely had a chance to masturbate because when Seeley was at home, he had the tendency to enter rooms without announcing himself and if she locked the door, he very loudly made it clear he didn’t approve of such action. Doing it before going to sleep was something she’d attempted often, but considering her work days could easily stretch out to be twelve hours long and exhausting, she almost always fell asleep after barely getting started. Rushing through it while Seeley was in his room taking a nap wasn’t ideal either because she knew herself and she knew she’d need at least and hour of peace and quiet, and she wouldn’t have that, she’d be too paranoid listening for signs of Seeley waking up to be able to clear her mind and truly enjoy herself. Not to mention the risk of him walking in on her was too much.It was bad enough he’d gone digging in her drawers and he’d discovered her Ben Wa balls and she’d had to come up with something to tell him when he’d asked what they were (she’d felt rather proud of having quickly come up with a little white lie as she’d told him they were Christmas tree decorations, but she’d grown to regret it when he’d insisted hanging them on the tree this year), she certainly wouldn’t want to deal with the questions he’d have if he walked in on her masturbating. Besides, I don’t even have anything to think about during, she then sighed internally. She knew it was utterly ridiculous, but she didn’t feel comfortable thinking about Major while touching herself, not when she knew he was seeing someone else. She doubted he’d care if he knew, on the contrary, he’d probably be smug about it. Then again, she admitted, he had earned the right to be smug, he knew how to manipulate her body until she was shaking at the heights of ecstasy.No, not going there, she scoffed internally at herself, but her right hand happily ignored it, already resting on her abdomen, stroking her skin. Not to mention Helena’s here, I don’t want her to walk in on me either. That said... I do wonder what she... okay, no, stop it, she blew out a breath.But she did wonder what it would feel like. What her chest pressed to Helena’s would feel like. She wondered what Helena’s breath would taste like, how would her hands feel on Hunnigan’s skin, what it would be like to kiss her. She looked like a good kisser, which was something Hunnigan couldn’t say about her ex-husband. For all the praise she was willing to give, this was something he’d been terrible at. His idea of kissing was to pucker his lips and just sort of peck at hers, it was very awkward most of the time.Hunnigan turned to lay on her stomach, her right arm tucked between her hips and the mattress, she moved her hand between her legs, placing her fingers on her pussy and gently massaged the flesh. She already had some idea of what Helena’s skin against her own would feel like, she’d gotten a decent preview during that night they’d spent in the sleeping bag together. And if she was honest about it, she did have to admit she’d been on the verge of kissing Helena the morning after when they’d been in the middle of that silly staring competition she’d challenged Helena to. She hadn’t thought back on it, not really, but now... it was an exciting thought. Oh, what the hell, she mentally shrugged and gave into the fantasy.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena woke up slowly, her head, chest and back aching, the need to cough tickling in the back of her throat. She held her breath, fighting the cough and managed to suppress it. An unfamiliar ceiling, she mused as she stared at it. Turning to look to the side, she realized she wasn’t alone and she wasn’t on the couch where she recalled falling asleep at. Why am I in her bed? she wondered silently, continuing to wonder how she’d gotten here. Had Hunnigan carried her here? Seemed unlikely. She was fit, but Helena knew herself to weigh a lot more than what one might guess based on just looking at her; she was solidly built and mostly muscle (despite the recent weight gain), she doubted Hunnigan would’ve had the strength to carry her, at least not without waking her. She’s so beautiful, Helena sighed internally as she shamelessly stared at Hunnigan who lay on her back, left arm raised, her hand tucked underneath her head, the other resting over her abdomen. Don’t you want to feel her skin? Sergeant Good’s voice whispered and Helena wanted to punch herself over hearing that.
You want to think yourself so much above me, but you’re the same. The only difference is you haven’t learned how to drown out that annoying little voice inside you that tells you to stop when you think of doing something you really want to do. You should try ignoring it sometime. Who knows, things might end better for you.
Helena scoffed quietly. She hated Good’s voice, but as much as she despised it, she knew it wasn’t Good. It was her own voice, her own thoughts and feelings she’d masked and named after her abuser because that made it easier to accept. Owning up to some of the things she found Good’s voice telling her would’ve meant owning up to her own depravity.
That’s it, isn’t it? If you stop blaming it on me, you have to accept all this filth oozes from your very own core.
“Core which you ruined to begin with,” Helena mumbled under her breath. Hunnigan inhaled deeply and turned to lay on her side, still asleep.
It was rotten long before I got my hands on it. Maybe if you’d done things my way, you wouldn’t be here right now. You remember how desperate you were to kill Deborah’s shitty ex-boyfriend, you wanted him dead so badly it was all you could think of the days leading up to the moment you caught him at his apartment when he came back in town.
“ So what, anyone in my shoes would’ve wanted a guy like that dead,” Helena hissed to herself.
Yeah, but not everyone would’ve gotten obsessed with killing him like you did, and the only reason you failed was because the lucky bastard moved an inch just as you pulled the trigger. You were going to kill him, but you only got the chance to shoot his ear off. If he’d died, you would’ve gone to jail for murder and maybe Deborah would be alive because you wouldn’t have drawn Simmons’s attention to yourself. But shooting a guy’s ear off? Piece of cake for someone like Simmons to ensure you’d walk away from that and serve him and his goals afterward. That’s the kind of a woman you are, Harper. You have wants and urges normal people don’t understand or approve of, so you tell yourself to stop, to not go through with it. It’s working for now, but sooner or later you won’t be able to stop. And that’s when the real you emerges. And that’s when you realize the only thing separating you from me is the label of your crime.
“Hey.” “Hunnigan,” Helena gasped, startled, expecting Hunnigan to have somehow heard her (mostly) inner dialogue while logically she knew it wasn’t possible.“I’m here. Are you okay? You look... a little... off?” “Yeah, I just... your bed is so hard, how do you sleep on this thing?” Helena said, avoiding the question.“Mmm, it’s good for the back, trust me,” Hunnigan laughed. “How did I get here?” Helena asked.“You had a fever of one-oh-three and you were a bit delirious and sleepy... and in a strange place, so you took a wrong turn looking for the bathroom.” “Please don’t tell me I pissed on the floor, because if I did, I might have to seriously kill myself because of the shame.”“Nothing like that, I got you turned around and when you were done, you came to sleep here instead of going back to the couch, nothing more dramatic than that about it,” Hunnigan smiled. Helena tried to respond, but her breath and words were taken over by a violent cough. Her breath sounded like small rocks being ground somewhere deep in her chest.“That doesn’t sound good,” Hunnigan commented as she sat up.“Feels worse,” Helena managed. Hunnigan reached to press her palm over Helena’s forehead and Helena quirked an eyebrow at that. She had to admit it felt incredibly nice to have someone take care of her, but the feeling didn’t last long before being shoved aside. You don’t have the right. You have no right! You don’t deserve this! How dare you? After everything she’s already done for you, she’s having to look after you just because you have a little cold? Grow up, you whiny brat! her grandmother’s voice was eager to remind her.“I think you might still be running a fever. I’ll go get the thermometer,” Hunnigan said, completely oblivious to Helena’s internal struggle. “Please don’t if it’s the kind that goes up the butt, because that’s exit only,” Helena called out after her. Liar, Sergeant Good whispered.“Well, that would give more accurate readings but I think we’ll both be more comfortable if we just settle for this,” Hunnigan laughed and before Helena even realized what was happening, she’d returned with the digital ear thermometer, tugged on Helena’s ear gently to straighten the ear canal and taken her temperature.“Hundred and three still! That’s not good!” she said after reading the result. “It’s fine, I’m fine, I just need to take it easy for a while, I’ll be good as new in no time,” Helena assured.“Why are you so adamant? This is serious.” “Look, I’m okay, I just... I just need to go home and get to bed.”“Go home? Okay, you know what? Fine,” Hunnigan sighed in exasperation.
Aw, now she’s mad at you. Imagine how unbearable a person you must be if Ingrid Hunnigan loses her temper with you, she’s got the patience of a saint, but you manage to get on her nerves too. Why are you even here? You shouldn’t have come here and bother her to begin with. Pathetic.
“I just don’t understand you right now, because one minute you tell me you like hanging out with me, and the next you can’t wait to get away from me, what is going on with you?” Hunnigan asked and went to take a seat next to Helena on the bed.
Oh, even better, now you’ve made her doubt herself, and hurt her feelings. You ruin everything, you don’t deserve her friendship. You’re barely tolerable and you’ve already made her feel bad, again. You fucking stupid bitch.
“It’s not you, you haven’t done anything, it’s... I just don’t want to bother you, I don’t want to be a burden,” Helena muttered. “I already told you, you’re not bothering me and you’re definitely not a burden, I want to take care of you,” Hunnigan reasoned and Helena sighed deeply, her breath followed by a cough emanating deep from her chest.“Come here, lie down, facing the floor,” Hunnigan said and patted her thighs and Helena quirked an eyebrow. “You want me to lie in your lap?”“Trust me,” Hunnigan smiled. Helena did as she was told, trying to ignore the awkward feeling brewing inside her over the fact that she was sprawled over Hunnigan’s lap. “I don’t know if this actually does anything, but my grandma used to do this to me when I was sick, she said it loosens up the mucus in your lungs so it’s easier to cough out,” Hunnigan chuckled as she began to do gentle karate chops over Helena’s back.“Well, who am I to argue with that logic,” Helena said, her voice vibrating to the rhythm of the chops.Helena spent most of the day drifting in and out of sleep, she barely made sense of Hunnigan’s words when she informed Helena she’d be going to work for a while, but Helena should call her if she needed something. She was half asleep on the couch and woke up to the familiar sound of her phone ringing, but she didn’t register it at first, imagining the sound came from somewhere else. When she finally came to, she groaned, thumbed the answer-key and raised the phone to her ear, grumbling something as a greeting.“Helena Harper?” a male voice on the other end of the call inquired. “Yeah. What?”“My name is Colin Rutherford, I’m a prosecutor working on a case against Kassandra Good, I was informed that you were one of the privates she trained during-” “What do you want?” Helena interrupted impatiently, already having an idea of what it was he had on his mind, and already wanting nothing to do with it.“I want to know if you would be willing to testify against her.” “What makes you think there’s anything to testify about?”“Her statement, in which she specifically named you by denying she ever did anything to you, I guess she assumed you were the one bringing up the charges. I need your help to put her away.” “Well, seeing as I’m obviously not the victim responsible for bringing this to you, let the one who did testify!” Helena snapped agitatedly and was about to hang up when Rutherford spoke again.“He’s dead, and his testimony alone won’t do it, you know that. I need a prior bad acts-witness or she walks.” “You manipulative cunt, what right do you have to put this on my conscience!” Helena yelled and sat up furiously, her phone making a quiet creaking noise under the pressure of her grip tightening around it.“Because with your testimony about her prior bad acts I’ve got a shot at winning this, and the fact that she specifically named you leads me to believe you have knowledge of the worst of her bad acts. I don’t like pinning this on you anymore than you like hearing it, but I have to because I want to see her put away for what she did. Don’t you?”“Don’t ever call me again,” Helena growled and hung up.“Scam caller?” Hunnigan’s amused voice inquired from the doorway and Helena jumped a little, she hadn’t heard her come in. “Y-yeah...” Helena mumbled and put the phone down. Hunnigan paused as she was walking past the back of the couch and reached to put her hand over Helena’s forehead. Without a second thought, Helena found herself instinctively leaning into the gentle touch.“I think your fever’s gone down a little,” Hunnigan commented and Helena almost fell forward when she moved her hand away and continued to make her way to the kitchen with the groceries. “Yeah, I do feel a little better,” Helena sighed.“That’s good. Not that I mind looking after you, but you know what I mean,” Hunnigan said as she unpacked the items and put them away. Oh, don’t mind her sugar coating it, you know what she means, don’t you? She wants you out. You’ve overstayed your welcome, little darling, you’ve done nothing to deserve this much caretaking, you never should’ve stayed, Helena’s grandmother’s voice told her.
“I really should be heading home,” she muttered, reluctant to actually make it happen.“At least stay for dinner, I have a feeling you haven’t eaten anything in over twenty-four hours,” Hunnigan called out from the kitchen, and Helena smiled. “And I bet you’re dehydrated too,” Hunnigan added when she came into the living room and placed a cold water bottle in Helena’s hand.“You really don’t need to do all this.” “I know, but I want to because you’re my friend and I care about you, like I’ve said before.”“I know you’ve said it before, I just... have a hard time accepting that someone would care about me, and I don’t know what to say or do in a situation like this,” Helena muttered. Hunnigan leaned to the backrest of the couch and turned her head to be able to look at Helena. For a while, she thought Hunnigan was gonna kiss her because she got so close, and Helena found herself already leaning in a little closer before coming to her senses.“Well, you could try saying ‘thanks, Ingrid’ and drinking your water while I make us something to eat,” Hunnigan smiled before standing up straight and turning to go into the kitchen. “I don’t think I can do that.”“Why not?” “Because calling you Ingrid feels completely unnatural to me,” Helena said and Hunnigan laughed.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena blew out a breath and ran her hand over her face. Paperwork was a pain in the ass, definitely not what she’d seen herself doing as a DSO agent. Granted, assuming that working for the DSO didn’t involve paperwork was something she’d assumed due to her own childish ignorance; the reality was it didn’t matter what kind of a super secret agent you were, paperwork was always going to be involved.“Knock knock,” agent Jeri Hawke said from the door and Helena turned to look up.
“Hey. What can I do for you?”“I just wanted to see if this... office, and I use the term loosely, actually exists, I thought it was an urban legend,” Hawke said as she looked around in exaggerated awe.“Oh, it is real, and it is the best. No windows, barely any cell phone reception or Wi-Fi since we’re so deep underground, my mail almost never gets delivered... it’s a treat,” Helena listed, grinning sarcastically and Hawke scoffed, pulling out a stack of envelopes from behind her back.“And that’s what I actually came over about, apparently the person delivering the mail can’t tell the difference between Hawke and Harper,” she said and handed the mail addressed to Helena to her.“Thanks.”
“No problem,” Hawke smiled, turned to leave but paused at the door once more before stepping out. “Hey, Harper?”“Yeah?” Helena raised her gaze from the mail she’d began sorting through.
“Would you have dinner with me?”“Why?” Helena frowned and Hawke laughed.
“Well, I tend to get hungry at least four times a day and when I do, I like to eat, and sometimes it’s nice to eat with another person.“I meant why me,” Helena elaborated with a wry chuckle.
“Why not?” Hawke shrugged one shoulder. “You’re tough. Hot. Exactly my type,” she added with a grin and Helena scoffed amusedly.“You know what? Yes. Let’s do that. My shift ends at five.”
“Same. I’ll come pick you up from here, I’d call you but I’m not sure your phone works in this bunker.”“It doesn’t,” Helena laughed.
“All right then. I’ll see you in a few hours,” Hawke smiled and left.Helena put her mail aside and went to finish her paperwork, Hunnigan would want the field agents’ reports back early so she would be able to use the information in them to compile her own reports before being off-duty again for New Year’s.Helena didn’t even realize the time passing as she got into her flow and typed up the rest of her report about the incident she’d been called to check out earlier today. Fortunately, it had turned out to be nothing more serious than a very convincing cosplayer, but he’d had a lot of questions regarding why a government agent would respond to a call about him, zombies weren’t supposed to be real. As far as the public was concerned, the outbreaks were about rabies, mad cow disease, drug induced psychosis... the list went on for whatever was most convenient at the time.Helena wasn’t sure if she should be impressed at the fabrication or appalled by how easy it was to convince people that the people online screaming about zombies were crazy conspiracy theorists. That said, if she didn’t know better, she didn’t think she’d believe it either. Rabies or some new kind of fucked up drug causing the incidents was easier to accept than the truth, which was that countless people all over the world went missing every day and were probably used as test subjects by companies like Umbrella that made viruses for friends and foes alike as long as they had the money to pay for the product.Countless people were killed, presumed dead, their bodies discarded, sometimes carelessly so, meaning they occasionally came back, and that’s when the risk of an outbreak became a possibility. That’s when agents like Helena were sent to investigate and determine whether action needed to be taken.“You ready to go?” Hawke’s voice woke Helena from her thoughts, and she looked up, then at her wristwatch.
“It’s five already?”“Actually, I’m twenty minutes late, so, past five,” Hawke chuckled sheepishly.
“Okay, let me just email this report to Hunnigan, annnd... there, we’re good to go,” Helena said, clicked on “send” and gathered her things before shutting down the laptop and heading out with Hawke.“Are you nervous?” Hawke asked when they were seated at the restaurant and waited for their appetizers.
“Should I be?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“I don’t know. I’d rather you weren’t, but then again, I wouldn’t wanna be the only one who is.”
“Why are you nervous?”“Well, I mean, first dates are notoriously nerve-ra-” Hawke’s sentence got interrupted by Helena, who inhaled the wine she’d been taking a sip of.
“Date?” she coughed into the glass and Hawke frowned deeply, her lips curving into an awkward smile.“Uh, yeah? What else did you think I meant when I asked you to have dinner with me, and then called you hot and my type?” she chuckled.
“I thought you were joking,” Helena said.“I... was not,” Hawke muttered.You with a woman? Don’t make me laugh, you can’t even make a bed properly let alone lie in it with someone, Sergeant Good mocked in Helena’s mind, and she sighed deeply.I’m not listening, she thought agitatedly.“Sorry, I didn’t... you know what, I don’t get how I didn’t see it,” Helena said.
“So, this means my nervous breakdown over asking you out was for nothing,” Hawke joked.“I find it hard to believe you had a nervous breakdown over me, you’re not the type who lacks confidence,” Helena pointed out and Hawke pursed her lips and tilted her head a little.
“Yeaaah, you have a point,” she laughed.The waiter came to take their orders while his colleague refilled their wine glasses. Once they were left alone again, Helena inhaled deeply and tried to think of something to say. It was becoming increasingly difficult now that she was thinking of this as a date.“So... are you... close to your family?”
“As close as I can be considering. My mother and my sister live in London. My uncle lives here, and he agreed to take me in when I wanted to move to the US when I was eighteen. Got my green card, joined the navy, and boom, ten years later, here I am.”“What did you do in the navy?”“I was in the law enforcement and security, a master at arms, but that career wasn’t exactly going anywhere until I got my citizenship. When I got that and my security clearance, I was recruited into the DSO practically the moment my documents were handed to me,” Hawke smiled.“Let me guess, Hunnigan recruited you?” Helena asked, remembering rather fondly her first interview with Hunnigan. If she was honest, she’d spent an inappropriate amount of time staring at Hunnigan’s legs.“Yeah, she’s efficient as hell,” Hawke nodded. “I’m convinced she was stalking me,” she then added jokingly, and Helena laughed.“Well, no offense, but I do think she has better things to do.”
“Don’t you sit there stopping me from flattering myself,” Hawke smirked.“Too late,” Helena scoffed amusedly. “So... do you have any pets?” she asked then to keep the conversation going, unsure what to talk about, and more than glad that Hawke hadn’t asked her about her family, that was a mess she didn’t feel like getting into.“Yes, a dog. His name is Grunt,” Hawke said, dug out her phone and turned to show a picture of a large, completely black Cane Corso.
“That’s a dog? I would’ve thought it’s a bear,” Helena marveled.“He’s a great dog. One time I got home and realized my apartment had been broken into, and Grunt was just sitting at the bedroom door, staring at the closet and growling. The burglar was hiding from Grunt in my closet,” Hawke said, and Helena laughed.They continued chatting and getting to know each other throughout the meal, and while Helena did find herself genuinely enjoying Hawke’s company, she did feel an uncomfortable awkwardness brewing inside her whenever she considered that this was supposed to be a romantic setting. She doubted Hawke had fallen in love with her any more than she had with Hawke (which was not at all), but she assumed that or some form of it was the goal here. Helena wished she knew how she would tell Hawke it wouldn’t happen without hurting her feelings.Simply blurting out “I’m not going to have sex with you, and I do not see myself becoming romantically interested in you” would’ve been honest and direct, but also incredibly rude, lacking all discretion. Helena didn’t like rude and she hated being considered rude even more.“Listen, Hawke...” she muttered once they were done with dessert. Hawke raised an eyebrow and waited for her to continue. “I need to tell you something before you get the wrong idea. I like you, a lot, but only as a friend. I don’t really see us becoming the love story of a century.”“Who said anything about love, I was talking about good, old-fashioned lust,” Hawke chuckled softly, and Helena paused for a moment, trying to figure if she had heard any hurt in Hawke’s voice. There wasn’t any as far as she could tell, she was being sincere about her interests, which made this a little bit easier for Helena.“Oh. Well, um... that’s not really an option either,” Helena said.
“Really? Damn.”“Yeah, I don’t... I don’t like sex,” Helena disclosed, and Hawke blinked in surprise.
“In that case, I can in all sincerity and honesty say, I have never met anyone like you,” she commented with an amused scoff a few good seconds later.“I guess,” Helena laughed awkwardly. “But I really like you, as in I like spending time with you, maybe we could be friends?” she suggested, hoping she didn’t sound quite as pathetic as she felt.
“I would like that,” Hawke nodded with a smile.“Wonderful. To new friends,” Helena smiled back and raised her glass.
“To new friends,” Hawke repeated after her and they drank.“Have you seen Helena?” Hunnigan inquired after poking her head into Leon’s office. He leaned back in his chair and raised his arms over his head, interlacing his fingers behind his head.
“I have and she’s very pretty,” he jested and Hunnigan rolled her eyes. She should’ve seen that comment or something similar coming.“Very funny. She was supposed to send me a report, but she forgot to the attachment from the email.”
“She went out with Hawke. Like on a date,” Leon informed her and Hunnigan stood in stunned silence for a long moment.“Oh. Good for her,” she commented, and Leon quirked an eyebrow.
“But?” he drawled.“But what?”
“I can sense the but, it’s there, just say it,” he grinned and Hunnigan scoffed wryly.“But I’m not sure if Hawke is right for her.”
“What’s it to you, why do you care?” Leon asked, his question seeming simple and innocent enough, but when Hunnigan began to answer it, she realized what he’d been going at.I’m jealous, she thought, but instead she told Leon: “Because Hawke is so quick to make light of everything, and Helena’s the serious type, I just think she’ll get annoyed with Hawke’s inability to be serious.”
“Uh-huh, or maybe they’ll balance each other out,” Leon commented.Why am I jealous? Oh, this is like first grade all over again when Nolan stole all my friends. Well, he didn’t steal them, they just preferred hanging out with him. That’s it, I’m jealous because Hawke’s taking away my only friend, Hunnigan reasoned, and while it felt accurate, she couldn’t say it was all there was to it.“Sure, that’s a possibility,” she shrugged an answer to Leon.
“Is there anything I can do with the reports or whatever?” he then asked, already knowing she wouldn’t accept his help, because when it came to reporting, he was about as useful as a chocolate coffee pot.“No, you should head on home, I’ll just send my report forward without hers included and go home too,” she smiled.When she got home about an hour later, Hunnigan found herself uncomfortable with the silence that had taken over the apartment. Aside from the occasional sounds coming from the neighboring apartments or the sounds of the dogs barking in the backyard across from her building, it was so quiet she couldn’t help but feel lonely. In addition to that, the silence annoyed her because it left her with no other choice but to hear the low humming noise in her right ear, accompanied by a muted whiny noise in the left. Until it had happened to her, she hadn’t known one could get tinnitus from tense muscles.She turned the TV on for some background noise while she made herself dinner (rice and chicken with a peppery cream sauce).I miss Helena, she sighed internally when she sat down to eat. And I miss Seeley, I should call Major, she then mused, deciding she’d give him a call after eating. The call didn’t last very long and not a lot was said, Seeley just mumbled something shyly before handing the phone back to his father.“Josie and I were just thinking about taking him to the movies, you’re welcome to join us if you want?” Major offered and it took Hunnigan a good few seconds to remember who the hell was Josie.Josephine, right, she rolled her eyes at herself.“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want to intrude.”
“It’s not a problem, really.”“Major, think about this. If you were Josephine, would you want your boyfriend’s ex-wife tagging along?”
“Well, probably not, but-”“Trust me,” Hunnigan chuckled. “It’s fine, and I do want Seeley to have a chance to get to know her properly without me interfering, so thanks for the invite, but no. I just called to ask how Seeley’s doing.”She wished them a good evening and ended the call. When she looked at the screen, she noticed she’d gotten a message during the call.“What the hell?” she laughed. Helena had sent her an image of cat which had an utterly shocked expression on its face, and she’d captioned it “That feeling when you realize you forgot the attachment from the email”.It’s okay, I made up some numbers to cover for you, Hunnigan replied.
Isn’t that technically fraud? Helena messaged and Hunnigan snorted.Indeed, and if you tell anyone, I will have you assassinated, Hunnigan wrote back and added a smiley face to the end.It wasn’t fraud exactly, and Hunnigan was relatively certain no one would even notice since she could pretty well predict the amount of expenses Helena’s report would’ve added to the total, and really, it was the total anyone was looking at, they wouldn’t bother with the details unless the total went over the budgeted amount by a noticeable sum which would warrant investigation.How was your date? Leon mentioned you and Hawke had gone out, Hunnigan then sent, not wanting to end the conversation.
It went ok, hawke’s fun to hang out with but we’re just friends. did you know she has a dog that’s as big as bear?Hunnigan smiled, she’d met the slobbering, panting, huge dog, and she’d discovered quickly he was an intelligent and well-behaved dog, she could’ve sworn it understood everything said to it. She sent Helena a message telling as much.Hunnigan had to admit she felt relieved when Helena told her she and Hawke were just friends. If there was something she’d learned from her past friendships, it was that when it came to choosing between spending time with a love interest or a friend, people often chose their love interest, at least in the beginning. She would’ve hated to have lost Helena to Hawke after just befriending her.Yo! We still on for New Year’s? a new message read, this time sent by her brother Nolan. She let him know she’d be over at his place as planned, and then asked him if he’d be okay with her possibly bringing a friend. After he’d told her to bring anyone she wanted, she spent the rest of the evening texting back and forth with him and Helena about the plans.It wasn’t until Helena’s message in which she said she needed to go to sleep that Hunnigan realized how late it was getting.I fondly remember a time before the invention of text messages when you could just call someone, and make and confirm plans within two minutes, Hunnigan wrote before wishing Helena good night.
LOL i can’t remember what i did with all that extra time back then. good night Ingrid.
“Huh, she called me Ingrid,” Hunnigan said out loud and felt a smile spread on her lips, unsure why Helena calling her by her first name made her smile, but happy over it nonetheless.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“When I told you I’d be here, I didn’t expect to be doing so much catering,” Hunnigan muttered to her brother as she helped him put frozen hors d'oeuvres in the oven and then went on plate the previous batch.“Well, that’s entirely on you because I never gave you any reason to assume otherwise,” Nolan said with a grin, grabbed a wine bottle and headed back to the living room to entertain his guests.
“Is it smart for him to be drinking? I mean, you mentioned he’s been in rehab more than once,” Helena said and went to give Hunnigan a hand.Nolan’s kitchen (much like the rest of the rather impressive apartment) was decorated with minimalist furniture, and steel and stone, giving the space a somewhat sterile overall look, not at all nice and cozy and homey, but exactly the kind of place one would expect a rich guy like Nolan to have; the more stuff you could afford, the less you held on to, hoarding everything “just in case” was a problem for the lower middle class and below.“It is not, but according to him, his problem was never with alcohol, just with cocaine and opiates. And that’s true, but it’s also true he’s playing with fire in a shed full of gunpowder,” Hunnigan sighed, picked up the plate and carried it to the living room, replacing an empty one on the coffee table with it before returning the empty plate to the dishwasher.
“You don’t have to stay with me, go mingle, have fun,” Hunnigan then told Helena.“Truth be told, I’d rather stay here with you than risk being hit on by your brother again,” she smirked.“That’s a shame because I really enjoyed watching you put him in his place,” Hunnigan laughed, picked up her wine glass and went to stand next to Helena, both of them now leaning their backs into the island in the middle of the kitchen, looking over to the living room while they waited for the batch of hors d'oeuvres to be ready.
Helena smiled. Nolan was handsome (although he looked like a twenty-something kid since he’d shaved his face, but Helena hadn’t commented on that, she didn’t want him to know she’d watched his videos in which he’d still had the handlebar mustache and lengthy stubble) and rather charming, a shameless flirt for certain, but his inability to take no for an answer had forced Helena to somewhat embarrass him in front of his guests (which hadn’t been something she’d really wanted to do). When he sang “Welcome to the gun show, we’ve got mass and veins” to the tune of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “Welcome to the jungle”, and showed off his biceps while giving a suggestive wink and a grin, she hadn’t been able to stop herself.
“You’re cute, but mine’s bigger,” she’d told him and mimicked his pose, showing off her bicep which was only slightly bigger, but noticeably better defined. He’d shrugged it (and the sniggers from his guests) off with humor, remarking that Helena didn’t know it yet, but clearly, she was his future wife.
The timer went off and Hunnigan went to pull the hors d'oeuvres from the oven and proceeded with the familiar act of transferring them onto a plate before heading out to serve them. With a resigned sigh, Helena followed her out to the living room, quickly proceeding through it and stepped outside to the terrace.She draped a quilt over her shoulders and lit a cigarette, looking over the snowy courtyard and parking lot surrounded by the buildings in the area. The penthouse apartment was large, by Helena’s guestimate at least 1500 square feet, possibly over. When she’d complimented the place to Nolan, he hadn’t missed the opportunity to casually mention it had cost “only” six hundred thousand dollars, money he’d made writing various commercial jingles. She’d expressed her skepticism but when he’d listed a few of the jingles he’d written, Helena understood why he would’ve made that kind of money; every one of them was one of those extremely popular ones that got stuck in your head.
“Add to that what I make from producing, sponsorships, soundtracks, and from audiobranding, six hundred thousand is pocket money,” he’d told her proudly.
What are you doing here? You don’t belong with these people, you don’t have anything to offer to anyone, not even in a simple conversation, you’re just embarrassing yourself.
“Huh, there you are, you’ve been awfully quiet recently,” Helena muttered to her grandmother’s voice exhaling the cigarette smoke deeply. She tensed up a little when she heard the door open, followed by the sound of people entering the terrace, lighters clicking as the others coming for a smoke break lit their cigarettes.“I’m just saying, when it comes to mass murders, everyone’s always talking about Hitler, but no one ever mentions Stalin.”“Those numbers are exaggerated, their kill count is around the same, but the difference is, Stalin was in power for a lot longer, meaning Hitler killed the same amount of people in way less time.”“You idiots are completely ignoring the fact that it’s not the dictators that got people killed, it’s communist ideals that caused it all and made it possible, and not just in Russia and China. Look at Cuba, for fuck’s sake. And then people walk around wearing fucking Che Guevara-shirts, having no idea that the guy was to Cuba what Hitler was to Germany. Fuck those people.”Helena put out her cigarette despite there being almost half of it left; this was a conversation she didn’t want to get dragged into. She gave an uneasy smile as she slipped back inside from between the slightly drunk and agitated guys, and let out a breath of relief upon managing to escape the scene before getting asked for her opinion. She had no interest in debating history or politics, nor did she have the time and energy for it either, she had her hands full just living and doing her job today.
Oh, so you’re better than them because you don’t have the luxury of having the time for inconsequential debates? You’re so hard-working and productive, is that it? You’re not. You’re an uneducated moron who doesn’t know enough to even form an opinion on something as commonly known as the subject those three were discussing. You’re a woman-shaped battering ram, not the kind of a person anyone could have an intellectual conversation with. You’re good at hurting people, that’s all. You’re useless. You shouldn’t be here.
“Is your sibling rivalry still alive?” Helena heard someone ask, followed by the sound of Hunnigan letting out an amused snort.“I don’t think it’s really much of a rivalry really since he never wins,” she said.“Of course, you realize, this means war,” Nolan narrowed his eyes. “Twenty bucks says tonight is the night you lose.”“Make it a hundred and I’ll happily whoop your ass,” Hunnigan replied.
“Deal,” Nolan said and produced several bills from his wallet, Hunnigan doing the same and placing the money on the table over his. Helena went to take a seat on the couch and leaned back, crossing one leg over the other, curious to see what would come of this.
Within a few minutes, Guitar Hero had been set up and the siblings stood by each other holding guitar-shaped controllers, bickering over which songs they should play. Not that the choice of songs mattered in the end because as predicted, poor Nolan didn’t stand a chance.
art commissioned from Jaden G.
“I love this painting. Who is she? Or did you just find the painting from a random marketplace?” Helena asked and pointed up at a large wooden frame featuring a painted portrait of a woman with dark skin, brown hair, and amber eyes that made Helena think of a tiger’s eyes. She wore a bicorn hat on her head, large gold earrings and more gold around her neck, she was grinning and appeared to be rolling a coin between her fingers.
“That’s our great-great-great-great-great-great...” Nolan went on until Hunnigan rolled her eyes and slapped her palm over his mouth.
“A distant ancestor from our mother’s side, pirate queen Isabela. According to the stories my grandmother used to tell me, she was quite the badass. Story goes she used to tear open her shirt to show her breasts to the men she’d defeated in duels, but I think that was something a lot of female pirates did, not just Isabela.”“Tits out for murder!” Nolan proclaimed, his words and voice slightly muffled by Hunnigan’s hand which was still over his mouth.“Why would she do that?” Helena frowned as Hunnigan yanked her hand away from Nolan’s face when he deliberately drooled on her.“To humiliate the men, to make sure the last thing they knew before dying was that they lost a duel to a woman,” Nolan answered, failing at his attempt to duck when Hunnigan wiped her saliva-covered palm into his shirt.“My kinda lady,” Helena raised an eyebrow and grinned.
“Then you’re gonna love our mom. I mean, she doesn’t tear her shirt open when she humiliates men... as far as I know, but other than that, based on what I’ve heard of the pirate queen, mom’s definitely her reincarnation,” Nolan said and Helena chuckled. Based on what she’d heard from Hunnigan about their mother, she sincerely doubted she’d get along with her.It was getting close to midnight and everyone moved to the terrace to see the fireworks that would soon be lighting the sky. Helena went to lean to the railing and it wasn’t long before Nolan made his way over to her.“What?” she frowned when she saw his grin.“Well, you know what they say, you’re in for a miserable lonely year unless you get a kiss at midnight on New Year’s eve,” he wiggled an eyebrow.
“Don’t even think about it.”“I’m already thinking-” Nolan was saying before being interrupted by Hunnigan who pinched his ear between her thumb and forefinger and pulled him away. “Ow, bitch! That really hurts!” Nolan snapped and grabbed Hunnigan’s wrist, digging his thumb deep on its underside, pressing into a nerve, forcing Hunnigan to let go of his ear.
“Motherfucker!” Hunnigan hissed and managed to flick the backside of her hand against his face before he pushed her away from himself.“Do you guys need to be separated?” Helena scoffed.“I’m going, I’m going. Jesus, no need to go all Isabela on me,” Nolan smirked, walked past his sister and went to mingle with his guests.“Sorry about him, he’s a persistent bastard, and used to getting everything he wants because that’s how he was raised,” Hunnigan scoffed.
“Well, at least he has great taste in women,” Helena grinned.“On that we can agree,” Hunnigan chuckled and took a drink from her wine glass, completely oblivious to how her remark had made Helena’s heart swell.
Don’t flatter yourself, she’s just being polite. And she wasn’t defending you, she was defending her brother from embarrassing himself and possibly being sued for harassment, her grandmother’s voice didn’t waste any time bringing Helena back to reality from the little high.Hunnigan leaned her side to the railing, facing Helena and regarding her with a smile. Helena couldn’t think of a response, her mind preoccupied with how much she wanted to take advantage of the moment to steal a kiss under the guise of New Year’s tradition, then internal debate with herself over all the reasons she should not even consider doing something like that.
Hunnigan knows you’re gay, she would assume it meant you were in love with her even if you weren’t, you know how straight people can get, they think themselves irresistible to the gays in their lives. If she thought you were straight, she probably would kiss you because she’d think you don’t get off on it, Helena mused, not sure what to call this voice within her. Perhaps Reason because so far it was the most reasonable one dwelling in her head. But I am attracted to her, so she wouldn’t be wrong to assume I’m getting off on it, Helena argued with herself.
And you don’t want her to know that, all the more reason to not do anything.
“Do you want to-” Hunnigan began to say, her words interrupted by the fireworks that went off without a warning or a countdown, and the people on the terrace cheered, raising their glasses to a new year.By two in the morning, Helena had learned that drunk-Hunnigan had the most ridiculous laugh, it kind of reminded her of drunk-Stewie from Family guy , only slightly less loud, and she’d learned that she found said laugh adorable. She’d also learned that when it came to drinking, neither Hunnigan or Nolan had a pit stop between happily drunk and wasted, they simply switched over from one to the other without any warning and no one was the wiser of the switch happening until something like a friendly match of slap cup turned into a screaming match ending in the twins yelling the words “This is why mom doesn’t fucking love you” to each other in almost perfect unison, a certain aura of familiarity shadowing the happening, implying this was the usual result of them having too much to drink while in each other’s company.Helena had not learned what Hunnigan had intended to say before being interrupted by the fireworks a couple of hours prior and frankly, that bothered her more than everything else that had happened since. She considered just asking about it, but the moment had passed. Not to mention Hunnigan didn’t seem to be in any condition to answer.
“Ow... shit,” Hunnigan breathed heavily after Helena had managed to help her home and to bed.“What’s wrong?” Helena asked as she picked up the boots Hunnigan left on the floor, followed by a trail of the clothing she’d managed to remove before slumping onto the bed.
“My boobs hurt. I need the thing,” Hunnigan slurred and made a fist with her hand.“What thing?”“The squeezy thing, what the fuck is it called?”“You mean a breast pump?” Helena suggested and Hunnigan snapped her fingers before holding the index finger up high.“Yes!”“Okay, well, I’ll go get it for you, where is it?”“...in New York. I left in a huff after I got into a fight with mom and I forgot it in the dishwasher there, and then I was like, fine, I’ll just stop, it’s not like Seeley needs it, and perhaps mom was right about me doing it just to feel important in someone’s life, God knows no one else needs me for anything. But don’t ever tell my mother I said she might be right,” Hunnigan said.
“I won’t,” Helena smiled wryly and would’ve wanted to take a moment to let Hunnigan know she needed her, very much so, but she didn’t have a chance before the taller woman spoke up again.“I figured I’d squeeze out what I needed by hand and wait to dry up, but apparently my body thinks it’s a fuckin’ dairy farm.”“What do you need?” You could offer to just suck it out, Sergeant Good’s voice said and Helena could hear the villainous smirk in it.
She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, but it did nothing to banish Good. She didn’t even know why she still bothered trying, the intrusive thoughts never having ceased their assault before regardless of her actions or attempts at distracting herself with something else. She supposed it came down to simply not wanting to go down without a fight.“A warm towel,” Hunnigan answered and Helena nodded.
Don’t act like you hadn’t thought about it, wondered what it would feel like to have her milk spill over your tongue, what it would taste like. Sweet, I’m guessing.
Helena rolled her eyes at herself as she soaked a small towel in warm water and then wrung it before heading back to the bedroom to give it to Hunnigan.
There’s no need to be so embarrassed, you’re hardly the only one in the world who has a mommy-fetish. Besides, in your case, it makes sense, it’s not like the actual mother-figures in your life nurtured you and offered unconditional affection. Hunnigan’s been mothering you since she took you under her wing in the first place, and let’s face it, she’s taken better care of you in the past couple of years than your flesh and blood-mothers ever did.
Helena averted her eyes when Hunnigan removed her shirt and bra, draped the warm towel over her breasts, and proceeded to give her breasts a massage.
You’re sick.
Oh, there you are, Helena thought when her grandmother’s favorite thing to call her crossed through her mind.
“Gimme a hand, hey, will you?” Hunnigan requested, and Helena frowned, not sure what to respond, assuming Hunnigan had meant she needed a hand expressing the milk.“Yeah, sure,” she said upon realizing Hunnigan was requesting assistance in getting up from the bed. She walked Hunnigan to the bathroom and stayed outside the door in case Hunnigan needed her help again.
How dare you even think yourself worthy of her affection? It never occurred to you that nobody has ever loved you simply because you are unlovable? Blame me or your parents all you want, it doesn’t change the fact that you were always the problem. You don’t deserve to taste her.
Helena closed her eyes and leaned against the wall, mentally listing movies she’d seen, reciting song lyrics, trying to remember the names of the kids she’d gone to school with, anything to distract her mind and silence the voice, but it was only a temporary solution.
She knows what it is like to create life, what it feels like growing inside, what it feels like bringing it to the world, what it means to sacrifice yourself to protect and provide for your creation, what it means to be a mother. Compared to you, she is the goddess of all creation, and you’re only capable of destruction, you’re unworthy. How dare you even assume she would care for you? How dare you assume to have the right to feel her and taste her?
“She doesn’t care, she shouldn’t, and she won’t, I get it, just shut up already, I feel bad enough for now,” Helena mumbled softly to herself. She perked up when she heard a crashing noise from the bathroom.“Are you okay?” she knocked on the door.“I’m fine. At least I think I am,” Hunnigan’s voice called out. “Is that blood?” she added, sounding genuinely amazed by the fact that it might be, and Helena exhaled deeply as she decided she had to go check.Hunnigan was on her knees in front of the bathtub, her bare back facing the door. There were shampoo, conditioner, and shower gel bottles scattered on the floor and lying on their sides on the edges of the corner shelf against which Helena assumed Hunnigan had crashed her head.
“If anyone ever tells you Ingrid Hunnigan doesn’t know how to party, tell them about tonight. Or, actually, don’t tell them all the details,” she smirked as she gripped the edge of the tub and pushed herself upright only to end up falling in the opposite direction. Helena lunged to her and managed to catch her before she hit the hard tile floor.
“I dun feel sho ghud,” Hunnigan snuffled, her head lolling back against Helena’s shoulder as Helena helped balance her against the edge of the tub.“Hang on a bit,” she said and stood up, reaching to open the medicine cabinet.
“What are you doing?”“You have a little wound on your head, I’m just looking for something to clean it with and patch you up with,” Helena said, picked up the items she needed and stood on her knees behind Hunnigan then.
“Your breasts are incredibly soft,” Hunnigan said when Helena urged her to lean her head back so she could clean the wound while still helping Hunnigan to keep from falling down.“And yours are hopefully feeling better?” Helena said somewhat awkwardly, keeping her eyes fixed to the little gash on near Hunnigan’s temple, looking now like a little extension to the tip of her eyebrow.
“Uh-huh. You know what?”“What?” Helena asked and put a band-aid over the wound.“I have a great view into your nostrils from here,” Hunnigan said and then laughed that ridiculous yet oddly adorable drunk-laugh, and Helena couldn’t help but laugh with her.“Glad you enjoyed it,” she said. “Are you done here, can I take you to bed now?”
“Yes, thanks,” Hunnigan said and Helena helped her up. “Wait, wait, I gotta rinse the tub or it’s gonna spoil,” she then protested when Helena was about to move her toward the door.“I’ll clean up in a minute, okay?” Helena promised and escorted Hunnigan to bed before turning and going to rinse out the tub and put the fallen bottles back on the shelves.
“You okay?” she asked from Hunnigan once more after exiting the bathroom.“Yeah, I just... I think I aggravated an old injury,” Hunnigan mumbled as she sat on the bed and rubbed her right shoulder. Helena was torn between feeling relieved and kind of disappointed when she noticed Hunnigan had put on a T-shirt, both emotions overrun by a sense of irony when she considered she’d done everything in her power to avoid perving at Hunnigan’s breasts when they’d been right there but was now lamenting them being covered.
“What happened?” Helena inquired and took a seat on the edge of the bed.“I got injured during a basketball game in college, one of the other players rammed into me while I was in the middle of dunking the ball, sent me flying into the pole holding the basket up, smashed my shoulder pretty badly, and thanks to that, it acts up now and then,” Hunnigan said.“Do you have any painkillers?”“I’ve got aspirin which probably won’t help, and Oxy, but mixing opiates and alcohol is more Nolan’s thing,” Hunnigan groaned and lay down.“Yeah, let’s not go there,” Helena agreed and tucked Hunnigan in. “Will you be able to get to sleep?”“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.”“Okay.”“Helena?”“Yeah?”“Will you stay with me? I don’t like being alone, and... frankly, I’m alone quite a lot nowadays,” Hunnigan muttered.“Of course,” Helena agreed, removed her outer layer of clothing and got in bed.
She lay on her back, her hands folded over her stomach, thinking how ridiculous it was of her to feel this awkward and stiff around Hunnigan when in the past she’d been more than happy to straight up cuddle with her in a sleeping bag. But that had been before she’d come to realize she was genuinely developing feelings for her. Cuddling now would mean more to her than it would to Hunnigan. It would end in pain for Helena because she’d feel guilty over enjoying it more than Hunnigan knew, and because she’d want more. Wanting more of something that was next to impossible to get was a pain she could do without. Unfortunately, Hunnigan didn’t know that and had other ideas.
She gripped Helena’s wrist and nudged her arm up until she’d created herself a sweetheart’s cradle to snuggle into. She scooted closer to Helena and pulled the blanket over them, putting her arm around Helena’s midsection and tucking her feet between Helena’s calves, completely shameless in the act of stealing her body heat, ignoring the surprised mewl and squirm from Helena when her cold extremities made contact with her skin.
“Admit it, you’re not lonely, you just wanted someone to use as a heater.”“Why can’t it be both?” Hunnigan said and slipped her hand under the hem of Helena’s T-shirt, flattening her cold hand over Helena’s lower abdomen while pressing the back of her other hand against the outer side of Helena’s thigh. Helena exhaled deeply through her nose and resisted the urge to move Hunnigan’s hand away.
She didn’t mind it being cold, she didn’t mind the touch (on the contrary), but she didn’t want Hunnigan feeling the little bit of extra softness that had gathered there, she didn’t want Hunnigan to feel the raised scar tissue marking her skin. Helena didn’t want Hunnigan to become aware of all the flaws she wore nowadays, internal and external.“Why did you want to kill yourself?” Hunnigan asked, surprising Helena, who had thought she’d fallen asleep already.“Because I hurt inside,” Helena responded in a mutter.
“Can I do something to help fix it?”“...no,” Helena whispered, a rueful smile on her lips as she considered the friendly offer. “But thanks for asking.”“I don’t want you to die. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I love you,” Hunnigan said quietly and tilted her head back to be able to press a firm kiss on Helena’s cheek before nuzzling into the side of her neck.“I’m... not going anywhere,” Helena swallowed hard, struggling to keep her heart from swelling at the words and the gesture, ultimately losing the fight, having to admit that for one precious moment, she felt genuinely happy.When Helena woke up, it took her a moment to figure out what it was that had woken her. She recalled where she was and with who, and couldn’t help but smile a little at the fact that she’d ended up sharing a bed with Hunnigan again, it was becoming a common occurrence, one that she quite enjoyed, perhaps a bit more than she should’ve; she was well aware that all she was doing was setting herself up for getting her heart broken if Hunnigan ever questioned the nature of their friendship and Helena would be forced to admit her feelings toward Hunnigan were rapidly growing beyond what could be considered just friendship.She was barely willing to admit to herself that she was attracted to Hunnigan, she certainly would never dare to admit as much to her. She dreaded Hunnigan’s reaction and didn’t even want to try imagining it. She didn’t dare to imagine what it would be like if Hunnigan did reciprocate her feelings. It was so unlikely daydreaming about it would be a waste of time and would only make the longing for having something she couldn’t worse. So, she denied it from herself, admitted she would not say no if Hunnigan made a move, but would never expect her to.
It was depressing but at the same time, there was a certain joyfulness about it. It was exciting having a crush on someone; the butterflies in her stomach when she arrived at work and saw Hunnigan’s car in its designated spot at the underground parking lot beneath the DSO headquarters, the way her heart leapt when she saw Hunnigan, the way talking to her and being near her just instantly made Helena feel better. Nothing more would ever come of it and that was sad, but what she was already getting out of it made it worthwhile.Hunnigan made a pained sound, and Helena realized that was the noise she’d woken to. Helena sat up and turned to face Hunnigan.
“Hey...” she whispered and put her hand over Hunnigan’s forehead. Her skin was pale and clammy, and her hair damp with sweat. “Hunnigan, wake up,” Helena said, and had to repeat it a few times before Hunnigan finally opened her eyes, breathing heavily.“I feel terrible,” she grumbled and sniffled. “Why is it so hot in here?” she asked and kicked the blanket off of her body. It wasn’t hotter than the average room temperature, but Helena didn’t bother correcting her on that.“How’s your shoulder?”“Not great. Oh, shit. I think I’m gonna puke,” Hunnigan groaned, sat up and blew out a few deep breaths before hurriedly scuffing into the bathroom.“Oh dear,” Helena winced a little at the loud, violent retching sound that followed quickly after the bathroom door closing. Helena took the time to go grab a tall glass of water for Hunnigan, she had a feeling the other woman would want it when she got back.
“This is the worst hangover I’ve ever had, how much did I drink?” Hunnigan muttered after making it back to the bed, her skin still pale and sweaty.“You were pretty drunk but I don’t think it should’ve resulted in a hangover this bad,” Helena frowned.“Wait until you’re over thirty and every hangover lasts at least two days and you feel like you’re dying for the most part of those two days,” Hunnigan smirked and accepted the glass of water Helena offered her. She asked Helena what had happened last night and drank the water as she listened to Helena recount the events and fill in the gaps.
“That explains why my everything hurts,” Hunnigan commented, finished her water and rolled her neck a little. “Well, almost explains it, I have no idea why my jaw hurts, I guess I hit it too when I fell into the tub,” she added and put the glass on the bedside table.“Your jaw?” Helena repeated and Hunnigan nodded as she lay back on the bed and blew out another deep breath before tugging on her shirt in an attempt to cool off, the fabric clinging to her sweaty skin. Helena went to refill the glass
and made a detour at the medicine cabinet.“Take these,” she said as she handed Hunnigan the water and some aspirin before grabbing her phone.“Who are you calling at this hour?” Hunnigan frowned.“Nine-one-one.”“Because I have a bad hangover? Talk about overreacting,” Hunnigan scoffed amusedly and lay back down, assuming Helena was joking about who she was calling. She wasn’t.“No, I’m calling an ambulance because I’m pretty sure you’re having a heart attack.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“What are you gonna eat after surgery?”“I don't...know, I might...”
I am going to die. I suppose it’s okay, I don’t really have anything I’d need to finish. Seeley will be fine, he’s so young he won’t even remember me so he won’t know to miss me, and Major will take good care of him. My life’s work is a joke, at least according to Skylark, what was it she said? Something along the lines that I’m just a glorified navigator. So, no one will miss me there. My friends... I don’t have any friends. The few I thought I did only wanted me because they wanted my brother, so also not a problem. Helena’s got Hawke. Leon’s got Claire and Sherry and half of the BSAA, not that he ever really considered me a friend-friend, I don’t think. A work-friend, maybe, but not the kind of
friend you’d hang out with, not like he does with Helena. My family... they never needed me unless there was something I could do for them, so they won’t miss me; they might miss the favors I did, but that won’t be my problem.
“...I'm kinda in the mood for pasta.”
I don’t want to die, but if I have to, I’m okay with it. Who knew. After all the shit I gave Helena about wanting to commit suicide, I think I shouldn’t be this fine with the thought of dying myself. Maybe I’ve been wanting to die too but never even realized it.
“...or maybe a pizza...”
“Good luck, love. See you in recovery,” she said.
Helena sat in the waiting room, her arms crossed over her abdomen, leaning back against the wall behind the chair, her eyes closed. She’d been here for hours and had no intention of leaving until she knew what Hunnigan’s status was. For now, she was still waiting to be operated on, and that’s all Helena knew.
She heard someone enter the hall and didn’t pay attention to it any more than she’d paid attention to the other people walking through, not until she heard Hunnigan’s name mentioned. She turned to look and saw Major at the receptionist’s desk.“Major,” she said to the tall man and he turned to her.“Hey! Um... Helena, right?” he recalled and Helena nodded. “What the hell happened? Ingrid called me and said she needed to talk to Seeley and tell him she loves him because the staff wasn’t sure if she’d make it. Make it from what!”
“She had a heart attack.”“She’s thirty-four, she’s too young to have a heart attack, she doesn’t even smoke,” Major scoffed in disbelief, running his hands through his thick dark auburn hair, his entire being the definition of a man on the verge of panicking.
“She had something called spontaneous coronary artery dissection which basically means there’s a tear in one of her major arteries and it hasn’t healed, and over time, blood’s clotted around the tear and it led to a heart attack. It’s a pretty common heart problem in young females,” Helena explained to him as calmly as she could, unable to keep from feeling the twisting and tugging of panic beginning to brew in her core as well, as if seeing him carry it had infected her too.
“Jesus Christ.”“They’re gonna do a bypass... it’s a pretty routine procedure, there’s nothing to worry about,” Helena tried convincing him.“Yeah? Then why did the people here tell her to call Seeley and tell him she loves him like she wouldn’t be able to do it later!” Major snapped. Helena quirked an eyebrow, not unsympathetic, understanding that getting agitated in a situation like this was more than normal. What bothered her wasn’t his reaction or that he was taking out his frustration on her; what bothered her was how terrified of losing Hunnigan he genuinely was.
I think he’s still in love with her.
“Because she was told that by the nurse in the emergency room and he’s no cardiologist, he was just making sure there wouldn’t be any regrets. She’s going to be fine, trust me on this,” Helena said, managing to keep her concern to herself as she worried that telling Hunnigan “Good luck, love, I’ll see you in recovery” through the narrowing doors sliding shut between her and Hunnigan would be the last thing she ever spoke to her. She couldn’t afford to lose it now. She’d have a meltdown in private later, have a good cry as the adrenaline from being terrified all this time would step aside, everything pouring from her to ease the anxiety she felt. But not yet. Not until she knew Hunnigan was in recovery.
“Shit. What am I going to tell Seeley?” Major sighed as he ran his hand over his face, his beard making a quiet scratching sound as his palm slid over it.
“I don’t claim to know the first thing about Hunnigan but I don’t think she’d want Seeley to know and worry. Just be normal and ask Hunnigan if she wants to see him once she wakes up. She might not want him to see her in a hospital, so it could be you’ll have to tell a few white lies to your son, can you do that?” Helena asked and Major nodded as he listened.“Yeah, yeah, you’re right, she wouldn’t want him to see her like this, you’re right,” he repeated himself.“All right. Good. So, just... calm down and let’s wait until we know what the situation is, okay? Someone should be around to tell us something soon, just sit tight. I’m gonna go get us some coffee, okay?”“Yeah, okay,” Major agreed and took a seat. When Helena returned several minutes later with two paper cups of coffee, Major was talking to a woman in scrubs, apparently the surgeon who’d operated on Hunnigan.Helena felt her heart freeze over as she saw their body language, the surgeon’s hand on Major’s shoulder, his head hanging low. It didn’t look good. Oh, God, please, please, don’t take her away, Helena thought frantically. The surgeon said something Helena couldn’t hear, and Major nodded once more, Helena reading the word “okay” from his lips as the surgeon offered a wry smile to him before turning to exit the area.
“Well?” Helena asked, trying not to sound as demanding and urgent as she felt.“She’s in intensive care, they said it would be a couple of days before she’s going to be in any shape to see visitors, but she’s gonna be okay, thank God,” Major smiled, tears of relief brimming his green eyes.“Good, good, that’s excellent news,” Helena said, suddenly feeling like she might throw up when the knots in her stomach loosened at the good news and a wave of calm flooded her senses, the relief almost overwhelming.“The surgeon said there’s nothing to do here for now, we should head home,” Major said.“Yeah... you’re right. Um, do you have her brother’s contact info? Or her parents’? I figure they might want to know,” Helena then said.“Oh, yeah, don’t worry about it, I’ll let ‘em know,” Major promised.
“All right, great. I’ll... see you around,” Helena muttered and exited the building.
Once outside and safely away from the entrance, she dug out a cigarette and lit it, realizing only then her hands were shaking. She’d managed to take the first drag when she felt her mouth flood with saliva and she doubled over. She leaned against a lamp post, retching loudly as her body convulsed from the reaction, finally released when the sour-tasting contents of her stomach splattered on the sidewalk, causing people who’d been walking toward her to cross the street and rather take the other side, possibly thinking she was a drug addict in withdrawal, or at the very least drunk.“Oh, fucking hell,” Helena groaned and spat repeatedly to expel the stubborn string of sticky saliva that refused to break and kept on clinging to her lower lip. “I need a drink.”The last thing Hunnigan could remember before waking up groggy and uncomfortable was that she'd been thinking about eating a giant pizza. With double pepperoni and tuna, she tried to continue where she'd left off, but she couldn’t speak, the tube inserted in her windpipe preventing that. When she glanced around the room and down at herself, she realized it wasn’t the only tube sticking out of her body, the bed surrounded by noisy machines keeping tabs on her vitals. Her mouth had never felt as dry and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d overall felt quite as uncomfortable as she did currently.She hadn’t been awake for long before people came into the room, checking up on her, making sure she was coherent, asking her to sit up if she could. They then proceeded to explain to her what they’d be doing next, namely, removing the breathing tube.“All right, now give me a big strong exhale,” the man performing the extubation said and Hunnigan complied. “There we go, good work,” he smiled. Hunnigan couldn’t say she fully agreed, but the coughing fit she had prevented her from making a remark at that moment.“Well, that was about as unpleasant as I figured it would be,” she finally said hoarsely.“You’ll feel better in no time,” he assured her.“I’m sorry but I assume I’ll need more than a minute to recover from having my chest cracked open and my heart tinkered with.”“Well, fortunately, Mrs. Hunnigan...”“It’s ‘Ms’,” she interjected.“... Ms Hunnigan, fortunately, we didn’t have to resort to such drastic measures, you’re lucky you were brought here, we’re fully equipped to handle performing minimally invasive surgeries,” the man said, obviously proud of his employer’s capability.
I’m sure it’ll show on the bill, Hunnigan thought but said out loud: “Could someone tell me what happened?”He proceeded to tell her what had caused her heart attack, continuing on to the details of her surgery, repeatedly bringing up how fortunate it was that they were able to go ahead with the less invasive option because “recovering from it will take less time and the scar won’t be as noticeable”, and Hunnigan wondered if he was trying to convince her to leave a positive review or why he was coming on so strongly about how absolutely awesome this place was. Maybe someone died and they’re being sued and could use the good press, Hunnigan mused. Or maybe he’s a born salesman and just doesn’t realize it. “We’ll keep an eye on you here for a couple of more days before moving you to another unit for the rest of the recovery time.”“I feel fine, can’t I just go home?”“Oh, I’m sure you do, but I assure you, once the drugs wear off, you’ll be glad you’re here and hooked up to a bag of it,” he smirked. “Speaking of, there’s the PCA-pump, don’t hesitate to use it if you need it.”“Okay.”“Do you have any other questions?”“No, I can’t think of anything.”“All right. Try to get more rest, and I’ll talk to you later.”“Thanks.”Helena took several deep breaths in an attempt to try and calm down her heart. She could feel every beat pulsing in the back of her head, the pain thumping up her scalp, down her neck, over her forehead. She’d been hungover before but this was a special kind of “fuck you for poisoning me”-pain that her body radiated, the kind that followed the nights she’d stayed up too late and smoked way too many cigarettes.
“Oh, fuck, where am I?” she muttered when she realized she had no recollection of what had happened after she’d arrived at the bar, downed two or three supersized Zombie Punches, laughed at her friend the bartender Jane’s joke about being busier than a one-legged woman at an ass kicking-contest, Jane emphasizing her joke by knocking her knuckles against her prosthesis, and then... no data available.
She looked around the room, realizing wherever she was, the one room was pretty much all there was to the apartment. She could hear water running beyond the wall right by the bed and assumed whoever lived here was in there. The bed was nice, comfortable, not too soft and not too hard, the blanket thick, the pillow the expensive memory foam-kind. But looking around more, she realized the bed was pretty much the only thing the owner had invested in.
There were no tables, just milk crates and sturdy cardboard boxes that served as surfaces on which various items and books rested. No TV, just a laptop sitting on an old, repainted wooden chair. The walls were exposed brick, the entrance to the apartment covered with a sliding metal door, locked only with a screwdriver that had been inserted through the hasp.
She was about to wonder who on Earth lived like this when she realized this could easily be how she lived if it weren’t for a few lucky coincidences (or, well, Simmons’s meddling followed by more meddling, that time performed by Hunnigan), it wasn’t like there were a lot of jobs available for people like her, people who were prone to violence and didn’t have much of an education or experience that would be useful in civilian life. She supposed she could’ve gone back to the military, but... after what she’d seen, she didn’t think she would’ve lasted long there either.Helena pulled the covers aside and sat up (her body rewarding her with more pulsing pain in the back of her head) realizing she wasn’t wearing anything other than her tank top.“Oh, shit. Shit!” she hissed. The water stopped running in the bathroom and Helena frantically looked around for her clothes, not seeing them, then covered herself with the blanket then when the bathroom door opened.
“You’re awake, good! Feeling great, I expect?” Jane chortled as she dried her wet auburn hair before draping the towel over her shoulders, the rest of her body exposed, but Helena had never recalled her being the shy type and frankly, in the military, modesty wasn’t really an option a lot of the time.
“Where are we?” Helena managed as she watched Jane walk over to the chair at the back of the room and take a seat. She removed the white acrylic shower leg and began patting herself dry.
“We’re just above the bar.”“You live above the bar?”“Yeah, and amazingly, I’m still almost always late for work,” Jane laughed and reached to grab a silicone liner from atop of a milk crate. She turned it inside and out and began to roll it onto her leg.“Does this bother you?” she then paused to ask.“Why would it?” Helena frowned.“People are usually fine with amputees, but tend to get weird if they actually have to see the stump. No, sorry, correction, the ‘residual limb’, which apparently is the politically correct word for it nowadays, but I personally have more important things to worry about than what people call my stump ,” Jane rolled her eyes, slid her leg into the prosthetic and stood up, walking in place for a moment, listening for the tell-tale clicks that told her everything was properly secured.“I was more disturbed by witnessing how you ended up having a stump in the first place, so this is nothing,” Helena assured with a wry smile, unable to keep an unpleasant memory from briefly flashing in her mind’s eye. There’d been so much blood, and it had been so loud. The bullets and rockets flying at them, obviously, but not just that. It was the screaming she couldn’t dispel from her memory no matter how much she tried.
It wasn’t like in the movies because regardless of how good an actor someone was, there was no way to replicate anguish and pain like that, not without genuinely suffering it.The screaming. The explosions. Even the hum of the flames eating up the overturned vehicle, all of it, just so loud.
“Well, good,” Jane said as she worked to put the fairing in place over the leg, her voice snapping Helena back to reality. Helena noticed the fairing consisted of an intricate pattern or swirls, webbing, and vines.“That looks cool.”“Thanks, designed it myself,” Jane smiled.“So... are you gonna tell me what happened, and where are my pants?”“You downed a shitload of rum, then switched to beer despite my objections and despite the fact that you should know better than to mix alcohols, pick one and stick with it or your hangover will be even worse,” Jane explained, buttoning her shirt. “Then you started crying over something I couldn’t quite get all the details of, but I presume you’ve fallen in love with a married woman because you kept going on about a husband, then it was closing time and you said you didn’t want to go home because there was no beer there, so I brought you up here.”“And my pants?” Helena dreaded to ask, the heat of embarrassment burning her face as she listened to the retelling of the various ways she’d fucked up last night.
“Don’t worry, nothing tawdry happened, you just kicked them off, yelling that your pussy needs air,” Jane smirked and nodded toward the foot of the bed where Helena’s jeans and underwear lay bunched up. “You spent the night spooning me and here we are, no harm done.”“Thanks for bringing me here, I don’t want to imagine where I would’ve ended up at if you hadn’t,” Helena said and pulled her underwear on.“Probably freezing to death in a ditch somewhere, can’t let that happen to the woman who saved my life. I guess this makes us even, though, I gotta say your story of saving a life is way more heroic than simply walking a drunk friend up the stairs,” Jane laughed.“Didn’t realize we were keeping score,” Helena smirked and zipped up her jeans. Someone knocked (or banged the side of their fist more like) on the door, the metal making a thunderous noise which didn’t do Helena’s headache any favors.
“Jane Palmer?” a male voice inquired once Jane had slid the door to the side.“Well, my friends call me Jane Fucking Palmer, but yeah, that’s me, what can I do for you?”“You’ve been served. Have a nice day!”“No, I will not have a nice day!” Jane yelled after the man as he disappeared from view. She closed the door and opened the paperwork as she walked back and took a seat on the bed.“Trouble?”“Bla-bla-bla, ‘You shall appear in Judge Honeycutt’s courtroom on February 9th 2014. If you fail to appear, a warrant’... bla-bla-bla,” Jane read the subpoena, then folded it up and threw it across the room.
“Did you piss someone off so badly you're being sued?"“Yeah, God, probably judging from how much everything sucks,” Jane smirked. “Anyway, forget that. Get dressed and we’ll get you some hair of the dog that bit you.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan had spent about a day and a half mostly sleeping. The times she’d been awake, she’d been rather out of it, partly due to the medication, partly because she was just so damn tired. She couldn’t remember much. She could remember her parents had called, and that her mother had called her “kitten” (something she’d done less and less frequently over the past few years), but that was all she could remember of that conversation. She recalled having told Nolan and Major things she’d at the time felt were profound and deep-
What if we’re part of a story that someone’s writing?
-things that were downright rude-Okay, salope, pourquoi je me moque de ta musique, chatte? Putain de gros cul de fromage burger.-and things that were just out of it-
If I’m a cat, why do I sound like a horse on helium?
-and she could recall them chuckling at it all when they’d been present to witness her gibberish, but that was it. Not that she believed she’d missed much other than the incessant beeping of the machines she’d been hooked up to.
The past couple of days she’d felt better, and today she felt ready to go home. She missed Seeley, and Major had asked her if she wanted him to bring him to visit her, but she’d told him no, she didn’t want Seeley to see her like this. When Major had told her Helena had figured that much too, Hunnigan realized Helena hadn’t been to see her at all. Not that it was surprising, Hunnigan was relatively certain the hospital only allowed family or spouses (which Major still was according to the hospital’s records, Hunnigan made a mental note to update that) to visit patients in the intensive care unit, but somehow Hunnigan expected that if Helena had wanted to see her, she would’ve been here.
Well, maybe she just didn’t want to see me. Or maybe she just didn’t want to cause trouble by insisting she gets to visit. What difference does it make anyway.
Hunnigan didn’t know why it mattered so much, why it bothered her, but it did.Major had informed director Shepard of Hunnigan’s situation, and she’d be off-duty for two weeks. She’d been told she would need at least six weeks to recover fully, possibly more, but fortunately her work wasn’t the kind that required her to physically push herself to the limits, so she didn’t think she’d need more than two weeks off anyway. She knew Shepard would allow her to take off more time if she needed it, he’d probably insist on it even, but frankly, Hunnigan didn’t think she could afford it. She dreaded to imagine how much her stay at the hospital would end up costing her even after what her insurance covered.
The way that one guy went on about how awesome the team handling my surgery was I assume we’re talking about sums well over my annual income before taxes, she sighed internally. What luck that I ended up here, though. Otherwise they really would’ve cracked open my chest, Hunnigan thought as she changed, feeling happy to be out of the hospital gown and back in her own clothes, namely a T-shirt, hoody, and jeans .
Wait, she then frowned when the realization hit her. It probably wasn’t a lucky coincidence at all; odds were Helena had known about this place and had specifically had her brought here.
Hunnigan decided that a thank you would be in order, for many reasons, this one being the most recent. She dug out her phone from her pocket and dialed Helena’s number, sitting on the edge of the bed to talk while waiting for Major to come pick her up. When the call was answered, Hunnigan had to momentarily pull the phone away from her ear because the background noise was so loud. “-with toast, you idiots,” Jeri Hawke’s unmistakable accented voice said in the distance. “Wait, did you say ‘toes’ or ‘toast’, because putting that on your toes is a whole other business,” Leon said, his voice followed by one Hunnigan didn’t recognize.
“You just lost the fight for your right to party.”
“Harper.” She’s at a party or at a bar, maybe having an after work-drink. Of course she is. What did I expect, that she’d sit around at the hospital waiting room all this time? And why would I even expect that from her? From anyone, really, but especially her, she has no obligation toward me. Frankly, she’s already gone above and beyond, Hunnigan thought.
“Hi, it’s In-,” she began to say but corrected herself, “...Hunnigan. Just wanted to catch up and say thanks, but it sounds like I’ve caught you at a bad time, I can call you later.” “Oh, I’m so glad to hear you’re okay. You are okay, aren’t you?” Helena asked and Hunnigan smiled at the concern, it was nice to know someone cared.“Yes, I’m fine, and I believe I have you to thank for it.” “Don’t mention it,” Helena chuckled.
“You have to, Kennedy, you’re my butler!” Hawke yelled in the background. “Do it or I’ll kick your ass,” the unknown female voice said.“With what?” Leon laughed loudly.“Jane, put your leg down!” Helena suddenly yelled, the exchange followed by a brief commotion. Hunnigan frowned, wondering what the hell was going on over there as she waited for Helena to come back on the line.
“I’m gonna call you later, or you can call me when you’re not busy, I just wanted to check in,” Hunnigan spoke when Helena finally got back to her. “No, no, it’s okay, I want to talk- Jane! Put! That! Down!”Hunnigan was beginning to wonder if Jane was a person or a misbehaving pet because judging from the way Helena was speaking to her, either could have applied.“I’m hanging up now, I’ll talk to you later,” Hunnigan spoke loudly and thumbed the screen to end the call.
She didn’t have to wait for much longer until Major showed up to ask if she was ready to go. She told him she was, she’d been signed out and given instructions on what to do next, and she had her first post-operation appointment scheduled. She had told Major she could just call a cab, but he’d insisted; he always had been the sweet and attentive kind.“Seeley’s with Josie, I thought you might want to settle in before I bring him over,” Major said as they got into the car.
Hunnigan felt disappointed, and a little jealous when she considered her son had so quickly become so comfortable with a woman he barely knew that he could be left alone with her without risking him crying after his father. She couldn’t help but feel like she was being replaced on every frontier of life. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, especially not when she thought about her son forgetting her for another mother-figure.
Well, what did I expect? I’m never home, and when I am, I’m on the phone or reading my emails while barely paying attention to him, I bet Josephine has the time and patience to play with him for more than five minutes. Maybe he would’ve been better off if I’d died and he could stay with Major. If I were half the mother I pretend I am, I would’ve let Major have custody because I know he’s the better parent and Seeley would be better off with him, but I’m too selfish to allow that.
“Ingrid?” Major spoke, and Hunnigan realized she hadn’t yet responded to him. “No.”“No?” “No, I want you to bring my son home.”“He’s my son too.” “Don’t. Just don’t, I have zero patience for this now, just bring him back.”“Are you sure that’s a-” Major began to ask but swallowed the rest when Hunnigan gave him the level ten-death glare. “Right,” he nodded instead.Once home, Hunnigan had to bite her tongue to keep herself from snapping at Major when he fussed over her, constantly asking if she was sure she didn’t need anything or if he should stay over. She finally convinced him to just go home and exhaled deeply when the door closed behind him. After several days in the hospital and after constant noise either from the machines or from the staff or other patients, the silence that draped itself over her felt overwhelming, but in a pleasant way.
Hunnigan decided to take a quick shower to get rid of that sterile hospital-smell that she felt was still clinging to her skin and hair. She paused to look at the scars from the surgery in the mirror. The swelling and bruising were fading, and the wounds themselves were rather small, and the bigger one a little higher mostly disappeared underneath her breast. Not that aesthetics were her main concern, but she had to admit she was relieved, especially when considering the alternative of having a long scar split her chest right in the middle.
After showering, she dried off and dressed in a loose T-shirt and pajama pants, heading to answer the door shortly after dressing when the doorbell rang. It was Major who had brought Seeley home as Hunnigan had told him to.
“Mommy!” he yelled happily and instantly raised his arm toward her, expecting her to pick him up. Hunnigan was under strict orders to avoid any kind of lifting, and instead dropped to her knee and pulled him into a hug, swaying him back and forth gently (ignoring the stinging pain in her side as she moved) as she peppered his cheek with little kisses that made him giggle. When Hunnigan looked up, she realized Major hadn’t come alone but rather with a woman Hunnigan had to assume was Josephine.She had black hair, full lips, and a subtle beauty mark beneath the right corner of her mouth, near the edge of her jawline. But what really caught Hunnigan’s attention was the color of her eyes; they weren’t blue or green or something in between, they were more like grey with barely a hint of blue-ish shade, the irises surrounded by a subtle ring of amber.“I figured you two might as well meet,” Major said, apparently oblivious to the slight awkwardness of the situation. Timing had never been his forte. “Josephine Montilyet,” she introduced herself.“Ingrid... Del Rey,” she responded, deciding at the last minute to use her maiden name. Like updating her emergency contact information, changing her surname back her maiden name had been on her to do-list for quite some time, and remained one of those things she kept putting off.
It would involve so much paperwork, and she’d have to get all her ID badges updated, she’d need to change her username at the agency systems (something she was capable of doing herself but would’ve had to route through the tech guys regardless because unbelievably, she didn’t have administrator rights to her work laptop, and bypassing it by hacking would’ve required her to answer questions later and who the hell had time for that), and even after jumping through all the hoops to be officially known as agent Del Rey, everyone would still call her Hunnigan anyway. But in this case, calling herself Del Rey made sense, made this feel somehow less awkward.
“I hope you’re feeling better,” Josephine said. “I am, thank you. And thanks for looking after Seeley, I know he can be a handful.”“Nonsense, he’s my special little guy, and he’s no trouble,” Josephine smiled and the boy smiled back.
Your special little guy? Hunnigan thought somewhat bitterly, realizing how childish she was being but knowing that doing nothing to make her feel less petty. It also did nothing to keep that sinking feeling from dripping through her when she saw Seeley reach toward Josephine for a hug.Shortly after the introductions, they said their goodbyes and Hunnigan closed the door before kneeling beside Seeley to help him unzip his jacket and take his backpack (which weighed barely anything since all he’d packed was a small motorcycle-shaped stuffed toy and a kitten-shaped one) off from his shoulders.
“So, what do you wanna do, little dude?” Hunnigan smiled at him. “Watch the ponies?” he suggested and Hunnigan chuckled.“Yeah, that does sound like fun, let’s do that,” she nodded.
Not long after that, they were on the bed, the theme tune to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic playing in the background from the laptop’s speakers as Hunnigan lay down, Seeley sitting on the bed, using Hunnigan’s midsection as a backrest to lean to. Hunnigan didn’t quite share her son’s interest in the antics of the animated ponies, so she reached for her phone. Helena hadn’t called her back.
I don’t know why I expected her to.
When she lay down she caught a scent clinging to her pillow and blanket. Helena’s perfume. it was faded, but still recognizable, hints of citrus mottled with sandalwood and some kinds of herbs; a fresh and light scent, somewhat masculine but most of all, it was very... Helena.
Hunnigan nuzzled the spot on the edge of the blanket and inhaled the scent. It had quickly become familiar, one that she’d become to consider almost soothing because she associated it with being near Helena, and that never failed to make her feel better.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Well, for me it was those times when we’d have to go pick up patients from areas that were just flat terrain on an open field. In a situation like that, you’re a sitting duck. And then you see vehicles approach and you have no way of knowing if they’re friendlies or not. Could be an ally, could be a truck full of explosives a suicide bomber has decided to ram into you, and all you can do is wait for confirmation either way because you can’t fire on them until you’ve positively identified them as a threat,” Helena answered Leon’s question about what she’d considered the most uncomfortable thing during her deployments in Afghanistan. She supposed he’d expected her to share something a little lighter, like maybe complain about the weather or the cuisine.“So, were they friendlies or not?” Leon asked and took a long drink from his glass. Helena had invited him and Hawke to join her and Jane at the bar after their shifts, surprising both with the invitation; she wasn’t known as the social butterfly at the office. Truthfully, she hadn’t intended to stay at the bar for longer than for one or two drinks, but she’d slid from hungover into getting happily drunk again as she’d remained there, deciding it would be more fun with a friend or two. Anything beat having to go home and sit there in silence, alone and sober.“I don’t know, we were extracted before the truck reached us,” Helena answered.“That’s no way to tell a story, a very unsatisfying ending,” Leon shook his head.“I know, this is why I am not the one who usually tells the stories, she is,” Helena chuckled, nodding toward Jane.
It was true; telling stories was Jane’s specialty. Helena didn’t know how she did it, but when she told a story, everyone listened, captivated. It didn’t even have to be an exciting story or a particularly good one, somehow she managed to keep her audience interested in it just because something about her made them want to keep listening to her speak. Helena had suggested she write a book, but Jane had told her that would never be an option because telling stories and writing them were two very different things, and she couldn’t write for shit, as she’d put it.
“Do you ever miss it?” was Leon’s next question and Helena paused to think about it for a while.“Call me crazy, but yes, a part of me does miss it. The feeling of saving a life out there is... unique. But, there’s always the other side of the coin, and I could do without the pain.”“Do you plan to go back at some point?”“Not currently, but there isn’t anything to stop me, I suppose, not now that I’m... alone,” Helena said, her words quieting toward the end of the sentence as she considered she had no reason to stay here. She had no one to look after since Deborah’s death.“Your job is stopping you,” Hawke remarked and Helena barked a laugh.“I’m the DSO’s most unwanted, no one would miss me. Besides, I signed up for four years, which means I’m at the army’s beck and call for eight; I’ll be in the reserves for a couple more years, so I could get drafted, and I don’t think a job at the DSO overrides orders from the army,” Helena shrugged. She doubted it would happen, but she had come to expect the unexpected in the past year.“I still think it’s bullshit that you didn’t get a silver medal for that,” Jane said.“I don’t really agree,” Helena laughed.“Why didn’t you?” Leon asked.“Because back then at least women weren’t allowed to take part in combat.”“Not even in self-defense?” Leon’s eyebrows rose. “Wack.”
Helena shrugged. That had been the explanation as far as she could figure out anyway. She then excused herself to use the ladies’ room and left the table. She leaned into the sink after washing her hands and hung her head a little. She inhaled deeply, counted to five, and exhaled, continuing to count until she reached ten.
“Come on... snap out of it,” she told herself as she brought her fingertips to her eyebrow and tapped on it and then circled to the side and underneath her eye in an attempt to get out of the weeds of anxiety that kept overgrowing her thoughts. Telling herself to snap out of it wasn’t what she’d been instructed to tell herself during this method of decompressing, but the whole “I love myself and accept myself”-mantra wasn’t for her, most importantly because it would’ve been a blatant lie.Helena knew Leon’s questions about her and Jane’s time in Afghanistan hadn’t been meant to stir up bad memories and he’d been very polite asking about it in the first place, and Helena hadn’t minded answering. But the more questions he had, the more she had to think back on it, and the worse she began to feel.
The vehicle’s right front tire hit the mine, the force of the explosion sent the truck flying and flipped it over before it landed on its side on the road. Helena blacked out for a while, she couldn’t tell how long exactly, but she woke to the sound of her ears ringing loudly. Dumbstruck, she blinked repeatedly, knowing what had happened and still, somehow at the same time not comprehending it, her brain needing a moment to catch up with what was going on.
It was meant to be a routine patrol with the infantry, check on the locals, treat them if necessary. They’d been doing it for months, and they’d usually been a welcomed sight, people flocking over to them, sometimes people with medical needs, sometimes kids asking for candy. Occasionally people (typically men) came over just to look at the oddity that was a female soldier. They were considered strange because they were supposed to be women but as far as the local culture went, they weren’t dressed like women, and therefore they could not be women, they were odd neutral beings in uniform, an oddity to behold.
The roads had been swept clean not long ago, and there’d been no reports of any activity in the area, it should’ve been safe. But, it was becoming bitterly obvious that they’d missed at least one, or someone had planted it just recently.
Everything outside was grey with dust and Helena struggled to shove the door open. She threw her bag outside and climbed out of the wreck, the ringing in her ears began to slowly fade, replaced with the hum of flames rising in the front of the vehicle.
“Oh, no. No, no, no,” Helena whimpered when she saw Maxima’s upper half lay several meters away. She ran to her, fell to her knees and began to gather up what little she could find; flesh, bone and blood covering her hands, sand clinging to them as she helplessly tried to put her friend back together. It made no sense to her in that moment, everything above Maxima’s
waist looked intact, no injuries to her face, not a hair out of place, even her helmet was still securely on, but regardless of all that, there were no signs of life.
Finally, the sound of Jane screaming snapped Helena awake, her panic quickly replaced with her training and muscle memory that took over and she got on the radio to ask for help and inform others of what had happened. She reported the casualties, the shrapnel wounds of the men who were still alive and Jane’s below-the-knee-amputation as she assessed who to treat first. Those who were alive didn’t seem to be in immediate danger, but Jane was at a risk of bleeding out. Helena pulled her gloves on and went to her.
“THAT HURTS, DON’T FUCKING TOUCH IT!” Jane screamed at her when she worked to put the tourniquet in place.
“If I don’t, you’ll die, and you’re not allowed to die on my fucking watch, you fucking hear me, Palmer? Not today!” Helena screamed back at her and yanked the cord tight. Helena then grabbed her bag and scampered to the next patient who sat on the ground, looking dazed and groggy. She ran her hands over his body to pinpoint the location of the injury, and as she was doing that, he frantically grabbed her forearm. At first she thought she’d touched an injured spot but then she noticed how shallow his breathing was.
“Take a deep breath for me,” she told him and he couldn’t comply. “Shit, shit, shit,” Helena cursed through clenched teeth as she dug into her bag. She filled a needle with ketamine and injected it to sedate him before getting the chest dart out.
Come on, Helena. Keep it together, she mentally told herself as she willed her hands to steady. If she missed her mark, she could hit an artery and he’d die. She palpated his chest until she located the right spot, and inserted the needle. She tried to listen for the sound of air escaping but her ears were still ringing from the explosion. She turned her attention to the groggy soldier and asked him if he could breathe. He gave her a lazy thumbsup and she nodded, telling him to sit tight as she moved to the next soldier.
He had multiple shrapnel wounds on his legs and mild burns on his hands, but he seemed to be faring better than the others. Helena dressed the wounds before getting back on the radio to inquire what the hell was taking the helicopter so damn long. She was informed that it wouldn’t be landing until the point of impact had been swept for more bombs by the ground team that was headed their way.
“Are you kidding me!” Helena scoffed to herself when she heard that. She understood why it was necessary, she knew that the Taliban’s typical modus operandi was to plant more than one bomb at a site (one to cause enough damage to call for help, the rest to cause further damage to those who would come to the rescue) but knowing that and understanding that precautions needed to be taken to avoid more casualties wasn’t much of a comfort when you were waiting for help, knowing that every minute wasted meant someone was closer to dying as the golden hour ticked down.
Good God, please don’t let this get any worse, Helena prayed in her mind, having barely finished when she heard the sound of vehicles approaching. For a moment she held hope that it was the ground team, but when she looked over the wrecked vehicle, she realized God had answered her prayer with the exact opposite of what she’d prayed for. She saw four motorcycles approaching, and it took no more than a quick glance to see they were all carrying rocket launchers on their backs.
She looked around frantically, trying to spot somewhere safe to move, the vehicle would provide some cover but considering that these guys came armed with rocket launchers, she would’ve preferred being further away, at a better point from where to fire back in the hopes of keeping them at bay until backup arrived.
“All right. All right. Let’s go,” she breathed when she saw the remains of a stone shelter a hundred or so meters away. It wouldn’t stop a rocket, but it was on higher ground and right now, the only option because staying put wasn’t one.
Moving the soldier with the chest dart would be the toughest part so Helena hurried to get him to his feet, there was no time to worry about the dart, if they didn’t move, they’d be dead for certain. The soldier with the shrapnel wounds was able to walk over himself, stubbornly hurrying beside Helena despite the spreading stain of blood seeping into the bandages wrapped around his injured shin. Once she was satisfied that they were as safe as they could be there, Helena went back for Jane.
“Please, give me something to knock me out,” she pleaded when she saw Helena.
“I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t give you anything, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Helena repeated. Jane had lost a lot of blood, her blood pressure was bound to be too low, giving her pain medication could make it crash completely and cause her to go into shock which in this situation would almost certainly be fatal.
“Brace yourself, Palmer, this is going to hurt but it’ll beat the alternative,” Helena then said as she snaked her arms underneath Jane’s and pulled her into a sitting position before yanking her up until she was standing on her uninjured leg. Helena then moved to stand in front of her, held on to Jane’s arm and leaned down. She put her arm around Jane’s leg, reaching to use the same hand to grip her wrist and pushed herself up, lifting Jane onto her shoulders and began to jog to cover, the sounds of the approaching motorcycles growing louder even over the shouts of pain emanating from Jane.
Once in cover, she checked on her patients before readying her rifle and peering over what little cover the stones provided. The four men stopped by the vehicle, using it as a shield as they opened fire. Helena flattened herself against the stone and ground her teeth, the feeling of concern and sadness switching over to fury.
These were the men responsible for planting the mine and setting the ambush. These were the men responsible for the death of the driver and the injuries to her brothers and sisters in arms. Most importantly, these were the men responsible for killing Sergeant Maxima Ibsen, and for that alone, they had to die, and Helena wanted to be the one to make sure that they did.
She took out her handgun and fired it blindly to scare the men into cover, offering her a chance to get her rifle and steady it, preparing herself to fire the moment she saw one of them pop their head out from cover.
To this day, Helena didn’t know what exactly had happened next. She’d blacked out; the next thing she remembered was being in the helicopter, being checked out by the medics sent over by the Air Force. She’d sat there, staring at the blood stains on the metal floor, the medics attending to the soldiers, then to Helena. Apparently, at some point she’d gotten scraped by a bullet or shrapnel (she didn’t know which) resulting in a long narrow cut along the left side of her head, what little scarring left behind nowadays hidden by her hair which at the time had been noticeably shorter. She remembered she’d wanted to ask about Maxima but the words hadn’t come out, and intellectually she’d known they wouldn’t board a dead body with the patients, but she hated having to leave her behind, she should’ve been there with her.
And then... it had been over. She’d been patched up, dusted off and sent back to work. Of course, when Jane told the story later, it sounded much more heroic than it had been. She liked to exaggerate to make the story more gripping and epic. Not that Helena could argue with Jane’s “the truth is boring”-reasoning because it was boring, at least to listen to. “We hit an explosive, we were patched up while we waited for back up and then we were picked up” wasn’t anywhere near as entertaining as Jane’s dramatic re-telling of the events.
Not that it didn’t have its uses; when they’d spent the day at the bar drinking, Helena had quickly become aware of how she and Jane were nothing but tits and ass to the men at the joint. Their attitude shifted dramatically the moment Jane made them aware of the fact that they were veterans. It didn’t make Helena want to hang out with them any more, but at least they went from trying to flirt to asking about their service. Helena wasn’t sure which subject she liked less, but that’s where Jane and her stories came along, and Helena was more than happy to let Jane do the talking.
When it had gotten later, Helena had decided to call Hawke and see if she’d be interested in joining them at the bar, and she’d shown up with Leon. Helena had been glad to see them, only she hadn’t expected him to accidentally keep the conversation on the topic she’d hoped he would inevitably steer it away from, namely, her service.
Having managed to calm herself back down, Helena took one more deep inhale, let it out slowly and finally exited the ladies’ room. Her phone rang and she thumbed the screen to answer as she approached the table.
“It’s actually good, but every time I see someone try it, they’re doing it wrong. They’re smearing like ten inches of it on when you should just put a thin layer on toast, you idiots,” Hawke was saying and Helena didn’t know what Hawke was talking about and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know either.
“Wait, did you say ‘toes’ or ‘toast’, because putting that on your toes is a whole other business,” Leon commented.“You just lost the fight for your right to party,” Jane told him, shaking her head to emphasize her disappointment in him.“Harper,” Helena finally spoke up to answer the call.“Hi, it’s In- ...err, Hunnigan. Just wanted to catch up and say thanks, but it sounds like I’ve caught you at a bad time, I can call you later.”“Oh, I’m so glad to hear you’re okay. You are okay, aren’t you?” Helena asked, remaining a couple of steps away from the table, wanting to focus on Hunnigan, a feeling of happiness swelling in her chest at just hearing her voice, a sense of relief and joy flooding her heart at knowing Hunnigan was alive and apparently well.
“Yes, I’m fine, and I believe I have you to thank for it.”“Don’t mention it,” Helena chuckled and glanced at the table where Hawke’s glass had run empty and she promptly told Leon to get a refill.
“You have to, Kennedy, you’re my butler!” Hawke reminded him, something Leon had been reduced to after he’d lost a beer-chugging competition to her.“Do it, or I’ll kick your ass,” Jane threatened, determined to enforce the outcome of the game.“With what?” Leon burst out laughing and Helena winced.
She knew he didn’t mean it as an insult, not really, it was just Leon being his usual dumbass self; Helena hadn’t known him for very long but she’d quickly realized Leon was a smart, intelligent man, but that he was also a complete dumbass. Jane would not know this, not to mention she was getting drunk, and she easily fell into the “gets violent when intoxicated”-category of people, meaning this would become a fight. When Helena saw Jane reach down to push the button that released the locking mechanism on her prosthesis, she knew shit had hit the fan.
“Jane, put your leg down!” Helena yelled and lunged toward her to intercept as Jane raised the leg above her head and prepared to bash Leon's head in with it, the patrons on the other tables turning their heads toward the commotion, various gasps and mutters easily audible from them as they looked at the odd display.“I’m gonna call you later, or you can call me when you’re not busy, I just wanted to check in,” Hunnigan said on the phone and Helena desperately did not want her to end the call.“No, no, it’s okay, I want to talk-” Helena began when she saw the way Jane was gripping the handle of the beer mug and the death glare she was giving Leon.
She’s gonna kill him, she’s gonna cave his pretty little head in, Helena thought and intercepted once again.“Jane! Put! That! Down!” she said sternly and pressed her hand over Jane’s wrist, forcing her arm to remain still and down.“Come on, guys, not cool. Leon, you’re a jerk, and Jane, you need to chill before we all get kicked out,” Hawke chimed in.“I’m sorry. That was insensitive, and I shouldn’t have said it. I apologize,” Leon said.“You may live,” Jane dismissed and began to work her leg back in place, and Helena was certain Jane was far from actually having forgiven him, and that Leon had no idea how close he came to being hospitalized, but she was glad to take a lousy truce over an open war.
When Helena finally had a chance to turn her attention back to her phone, she realized Hunnigan had hung up on her. She contemplated calling her back now that things had quieted down.
Oh, that’s a great idea. Bother the tired woman in recovery by calling her drunk from a noisy bar, just what she needs, to listen to your slurring and mumbling, you fucking idiot. Leave the woman alone, she deserves better than you. She’s got friends and family... she’s got Major, he’ll look after her better than you could hope to, what makes you think she’d need you? Don’t flatter yourself, you’re not important or necessary, not to her, not to anyone.
“All this fighting is just sexual tension, you two should just kiss and get it over with,” Hawke teased jokingly and took a sip from Leon’s drink since he had so far failed in his butler-duty to get her a new one.“Well, he is kind of cute,” Jane shrugged one shoulder.“Hey, ladies, don’t talk about me like I’m not here, I am a person, and you’re just sitting there, looking at me like I’m a piece of meat!”“I wouldn’t, I’m a vegetarian,” Jane interjected.
“Do you have any idea how much I suffer being objectified like this? Do you!” he spat.“Uh... Leon...” Hawke muttered.“I’m just messing with you,” he laughed heartily, then rubbed his hands together in an exaggerated manner before slapping them over his knees. “So, who wants to make out?”“Don’t look at me, I’m a lesbian,” Helena shook her head when he wiggled his eyebrow at her.“Would it help if I told you I can swirl my tongue?” Leon asked and poked his tongue out to demonstrate, the fleshy organ grotesquely wriggling between his lips.“Please stop doing that,” Helena grimaced and Jane stood up, stepped over to Leon’s side of the table and grabbed his shoulder.“Oh, you’re coming home with me,” she smirked and he stood up. She directed him to the back of the bar, the bartender visibly groaning as he shook his head at Jane’s antics, apparently not in a position to tell her to stop dragging customers up to her apartment above the bar, but definitely wanting to say it.
“Good Lord. I feel like I’ve just created a monster,” Hawke said and Helena laughed. Hawke went to get them more to drink, and Helena took her phone out, again considering calling Hunnigan back.“You’ve been fiddling with your phone like a teenager, you expecting a text from your crush?” Hawke taunted as she took a seat.“No, it’s just... Hunnigan called, but we couldn’t talk with all the fighting just now, and I’m not sure if I should call her back,” Helena explained.
She let Hawke know Hunnigan was all right, probably getting home from the hospital today. Director Shepard her let the field agents know Hunnigan would be on sick leave for a while, and he’d gone on to arrange a “get well soon”-bouquet of flowers and card to be sent to her, but he hadn’t gone into details about what was wrong, he’d felt it was a personal matter and that Hunnigan should get to decide herself if she wanted to share the information with the agents.
Of course, that had opened to door to a lot of gossip, agent Skylark quickly going to the worst case scenario. According to Hawke, she’d loudly speculated it had to be cancer of some kind because that would explain why Hunnigan had “looked so terrible” recently.“What does that even mean, Hunnigan looks the same as she always has, she looks good,” Helena scoffed.“Yeah, not to mention that’s rich coming from Skylark, she is a living example of how an incredibly negative attitude affects your appearance because I was certain she had to be in her mid-sixties when I met her, nice people in their forties who don’t complain about everything don’t look over sixty,” Hawke shook her head and Helena chuckled.
“For the record, Hunnigan had a heart attack,” Helena decided to clarify things.“Shit, for real? How does that happen to someone her age?” Hawke’s eyebrows rose in surprise and Helena shrugged a little.“Well, I mean, she’s really tall, her hands and feet are always cold which to me sounds like her heart was having to work overtime to be able to pump blood all the way to her limbs. Plus, it’s not like her work is stress-free either. And she’s got a young kid, so I doubt just relaxing after a long day is an option,” she suggested. Hawke nodded, not commenting, and what was there to say anyway?
“What is that look, what? Do I have something on my face?” Helena then asked when she noticed how Hawke was grinning at her.“No, it’s just, I’m realizing why I never had a chance with you.”“What are you talking about?” Helena frowned and drank from her pint of beer.“You’re sweet on Hunnigan,” Hawke said, her grin widening.
“Psh, no I’m not,” Helena denied.“Suuure you’re not.”“Give me a break, I’m not an idiot, it would never happen, so why would I waste time falling for her?”“I doubt your heart would ask for your brain’s opinion,” Hawke snickered into her glass as Helena desperately tried to find a way to change the subject. She got lucky.“Look, there’s Leon,” she pointed him out as he emerged from the backroom and circled to the bar to get himself a drink before turning to walk back to the table.“That was fast, I always thought you’re the kind of guy who likes to cuddle after,” Hawke said as he took a seat. Helena noticed he looked rather disheveled, even his hair was messy, and she’d never seen that before, not even during Tall Oaks or in China. Zombies, monsters, government conspiracies, didn’t matter, Leon never had a hair out of place. Not until now. Helena also noticed he had scratches on his neck and red marks under his jawline, the crescent shapes undoubtedly left behind by a set of fingernails digging under his jaw as Jane had held his head in her hands. For what purpose exactly had she held his head, Helena didn’t want to know. Unfortunately for her, he was about to tell anyway.“I would’ve but the whole thing was over before I even knew what was happening. First, she has me on my knees, going down on her, and before I know it, she says she’s done, pushes me to the bed and the next thing I know, I’m on my back with my legs over her shoulders, getting fucked in the ass with an oversized dildo strapped to her hips. There was lube everywhere, I think I have some in my ears.”“She told you to tell that story, didn’t she?” Helena smirked, Jane’s trademark exaggerations and the obvious sense of his monologue being pre-written and rehearsed giving it away.“Yes because telling you the truth about how she shoved her thumb up my ass during and I came like two seconds after and then she had me go down on her and kicked me out when she was done would be unflattering, but you caught me,” Leon confessed.“Yeah, I wish you wouldn’t have said anything either way,” Hawke commented. Helena didn’t have a comment because she was busy trying to figure out why the story he’d initially told sounded so familiar.
She realized she’d lived it. She’d been in Leon’s position in the scenario he’d described, only her partner had been Sergeant Good, there’d been no lube (blood served as lubricant only for a moment before becoming sticky), and she certainly hadn’t been a willing participant.
So what, doesn’t mean anything, I doubt there are many different ways one would go about pegging someone anyway, it’s not like Jane must’ve learned about it the same way you did.
It was true, but at the same time Helena knew she was right about this; Jane was another one of Good’s victims.
How many more are there?
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It had taken surprisingly little effort for Helena to figure out where to go and when after she’d finally recalled the name of the judge from the subpoena Jane had read back to her a couple of weeks ago. Helena wasn’t sure why she’d come here. She had no intention of going into the courtroom, she had no intention of speaking to the ADA (a blond man named Colin Rutherford, the man who had called Helena a while back and who did not look like what he sounded like on the phone at all) or even to Jane who had been ordered to show up here. She’d just felt... like she should see how it went.
So far she hadn’t seen anything, she’d remained outside. She’d arrived just as Jane had been called to go in and take the witness stand, she’d meant to maybe quietly sneak in and take a seat in the back, show support, but... then she’d imagined their roles reversed. Had it been her taking the stand, she would not have wanted to see any familiar faces in the crowd. She wouldn’t want anyone she knew to become familiar with the humiliating details of what she’d been subjected to in Good’s hands.
Helena leaned to one of the pillars near the stairs leading down and exhaled deeply, silently questioning her decision to come all the way over here for this. What was the point? The courtroom’s doors opened and she could hear a group of people walking and chattering, and she recognized Rutherford’s voice when he spoke.
“You're lucky I can't prosecute you with murder.”
Helena tensed up and swallowed hard when she heard Good’s voice, this time for real and not just in her mind. It was sickening and terrifying how accurately her mind copied the voice whenever it put her down from within.
“You thinking you should have the right to charge me with murder over someone’s decision to take their own life just shows how ludicrous you are, mister Rutherford.”
“You've been a predator since you became an officer, and I will bury you for what you’ve done,” Rutherford threatened and Good scoffed.
“Your victim is dead, and the only witness you dug up was drunk while she took the stand; your entire case is smoke and mirrors. But I’m sure I’ll love to see you try. Have a good day,” she said.
Helena flattened herself against the pillar as Good walked by. She didn’t notice Helena, just continued on to the elevator with her lawyer. She didn’t look like she’d aged aside from the single stripe of grey hair among the dark brown, the long hair brushed back and smoothed out so meticulously it looked like it had been painted on, the length of it knotted into a thick braid which rested over her shoulder. When she turned as she waited for the elevator, her gaze stopped right on Helena, a small twitch visible in the corner of her mouth, her demeanor changing ever so slightly when she saw Helena and recognized her.
Helena wished she looked as intimidating and furious as she wanted to. Judging from the disturbed look on Good’s face, she managed to pull it off at least somewhat convincingly. On the inside, however, she felt anything but intimidating.
She’d wondered what meeting Good again would be like, imagined what she’d say, what she’d do, occasionally fantasized about bashing in her brain if she was honest, but no matter how many scenarios she’d imagined and how many sets of dialogue she’d rehearsed in her mind, this was something she hadn’t considered would happen; she froze - just like she’d frozen every time Good had assaulted her.
It didn’t make sense. Why did it happen? What was it about Good that made her react like that? She wasn’t that terrifying, Helena had taken on people and monsters worse than Good, but something about her was just... evil, and that was something Helena had not faced anywhere else.
Enemy soldiers, monsters, zombies, they’re not evil, they simply do what they were created or trained to do, but Kassandra Good is evil. She consciously made the decision to do horrible things and regrets none of it, she’s worse than a monster, she’s not human, she’s rotten and dark, just pure evil.
Helena felt a familiar red hot anger bubbling inside, flooding her veins, taking over her mind until the only thing she could concentrate on was the fury. Kassandra Good smiled at her just as the elevator’s doors slid shut, and that smug smile only enraged the furious tempest within Helena further.
Helena would’ve walked to her and punched her nose in had Good not already disappeared behind the doors. Helena hurried down the stairs, pushing past people, ignoring their offended mutterings as she made her way toward the exit, determined not to let Good get away from her.
When she exited the building, she saw Good get into a car and rushed to her own to follow. She had finally broken free from the hold Good had had over her, she wouldn’t freeze this time, no, she would not.
“It’s time I ‘talk with you up close’,” Helena muttered to herself as she followed Good’s car.
“Mais vous n'avez pas de famille,” Hunnigan reminded Nolan over the phone when he whined that she never had time to hang out with him nowadays, and he grumbled it wasn’t her family that was taking up all her time and energy nowadays as much as it was her work.
“Vous vous consacrez uniquement á votre travail. Moi, j'ai construit une vie, c'est différent,” he countered and Hunnigan couldn’t completely deny his point of her having devoted her life to her career. She also agreed that while he did indeed have a life, his circumstances were vastly different from hers. He could afford to have a life; she had to pay rent and utilities, she had a kid to keep fed and clothed, and whose schooling she had to pay for, and would continue to pay for in the future (unless he decided not to educate himself further which Hunnigan supposed could happen, but she wished wouldn’t). She couldn’t afford to take days off just for the hell of it; she did it only if she had no other option because the exhaustion was getting to be a bit too much and she needed to spend time with her son and decompress.
Since the heart surgery, director Shepard had forced her to take time off, and Nolan couldn’t understand why she had not spent any of that time helping out with his projects. She’d promised him she’d write lyrics to three songs for the upcoming album he’d offered to produce for a rising star he’d scouted on the Internet, and she would get it done, Nolan just didn’t think she would. He, like everyone else around her, was used to her immediately snapping to attention and instantly providing whatever was requested from her. He had given her a vague deadline, assuming she’d get back to him the same week, and when she hadn’t, he’d gotten impatient.
It wasn’t that Hunnigan didn’t understand his frustration because in a lot of ways it stemmed from the same place as most frustration in her life did too, namely, not being able to do everything herself. She valued teamwork as much as the next person, but more than often having to work with someone else because you personally lacked the skill required for some element of the task at hand was infuriating. Nolan was a brilliant musician, he could play practically any instrument (but specialized in the piano and the violin) and he could compose anything from epic scores to simple commercial jingles, but he could not for the life of him write lyrics, or play the guitar as well as Hunnigan could. He occasionally joked that Hunnigan had sucked out his lyric-writing abilities from him when they’d been in the womb, and sometimes Hunnigan was convinced he actually believed that was what had happened.
In reality what had happened was that she’d gone through high school and college being the tall girl who couldn’t get dates, and what a lot of tall girls who couldn’t get dates did was they wrote poetry. Well, it was what she’d done anyway, and preferred to think she wasn’t the only one. As for her guitar playing-ability, that could be attributed to the fact that her relationship with her mother had been rather strained ever since Hunnigan had been a child, and she’d turned to her father for parental attention after her grandmother (whom she’d adored) had passed. Her father had struggled to find an activity they both liked because their personal interests differed so greatly; it wasn’t until Hunnigan had expressed interest in learning the guitar that they’d discovered what they could do together.
“C'est du chantage affectif?” Hunnigan inquired jokingly after Nolan reminded her of the fact that it was her fault he wasn’t as creative these days since she’d been the one who’d put him through rehab so she owed him the songs he’d requested she writes.
“Non, du chantage professionnel,” Nolan chuckled.
Hunnigan told him that she had to get dinner started, and promised to get back to him about the songs soon before ending the call, not giving him any chance to continue his attempts at emotional or professional blackmail. She then drew Seeley’s attention away from the classic episode of
Tom and Jerry
he was watching and asked him what he wanted for dinner. It took him a moment to figure out what had been asked because she’d asked him in French, doing the same thing her grandmother had done to her when she’d been a kid, namely, by only speaking French and rather than translating what was being said, using gestures and tones of voice to get her point across until the child understood what meant what.
Seeley couldn’t think of the correct answer, so instead he just muttered a list of ingredients and explained the cooking process, and Hunnigan smiled, nodded and headed over to the kitchen, finding it rather ironic the French word for “bread” was the one he’d forgotten.
Not that the French would consider American bread real bread; I’m sure grandma Ingrid is spinning in her grave,
Hunnigan thought amusedly as she thought fondly of the woman whose namesake she was as she put the skillet on the stove to heat up and took out slices of toast from their bag. She cut off the crust before placing a slice of cheese, ham, and a thin slice of tomato on the bread. She then put another piece of bread on top and pinched the edges shut before cracking an egg into a bowl and adding milk, salt, and pepper into it. She mixed it together and dipped the bread into it before spreading butter on the hot pan and frying the bread.
A few minutes later, she served the dinner in the living room, taking a seat next to Seeley and cutting his bread open for him so it would have a chance to cool a little before he’d smother it in ketchup and eat it. Thankfully, he was more interested in the cartoon than eating so he managed to wait long enough to not burn his mouth.
I wonder how Helena’s doing, I haven’t heard from her in a long while,
Hunnigan thought. She felt guilty for not feeling more worried considering how close Helena had come to taking her own life, Hunnigan felt like she should’ve checked up on her more. Then again, constantly asking for updates would’ve just annoyed Helena; Hunnigan was certain she would’ve figured out exactly why she was calling Helena seven times a day. Besides, if Helena truly wanted to take her own life, Hunnigan doubted there was much she could do to prevent her from doing it ever.
God, it’s been over a week since I checked in with her. I’m a terrible friend,
Hunnigan sighed internally. She grabbed her phone and sent Helena a message asking how she was doing. Usually Helena responded rather quickly, but not today.
Seeley finished eating his dinner (most of it mushed onto his cheeks, some crumbled on the plate and the coffee table, and Hunnigan had to wonder had he actually managed to eat any of it) and climbed to sit on her lap. Hunnigan, having foreseen the mess he’d make, reached for the damp hand towel she’d brought with her and wiped his face clean before kissing his cheek and hugging him to herself as she leaned back on the couch, Seeley resting against her as he continued watching the cartoon. She nuzzled the top of his head, his light brown hair still freshly apple scented from the bath she’d given him earlier, and exhaled deeply. Seeley would spend the next week at his father’s, and Hunnigan already hated the idea of him being away, it got too quiet at the apartment when it was just her.
Maybe I should get a pet,
Hunnigan mused, but decided against it before even seriously considering it. Pets would require more time and attention than she felt herself willing or able to commit to.
Yeah, a pet isn’t like a friend, can’t kick them out of my life for the weeks I have something I enjoy doing more than spending time with them,
Hunnigan thought, the mean words she imagined herself saying hitting hard when she realized that was exactly what she’d done to Helena.
She’d checked up on her, spent time with her, paid attention to her, but only when it had been convenient for her, only when she’d had nothing better to do.
Jesus, I really
am
a horrible person. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to me,
she sighed a little as she glanced at her phone and saw no sign of the blue light which would’ve indicated she had new messages.
No,
she then thought defiantly,
I may be a terrible friend but I’m not doing it on purpose, I’m not using Helena, I really do enjoy her company, it’s not like I only call on her when I’m lonely, it’s not how it is. She’s my friend, and I’ve been a bit busy with life, but she could’ve just as easily called me if she wanted to talk, it’s not solely my responsibility to keep in touch. Maybe she’s been busy too. We both have our own lives to live too.
For all Hunnigan knew, Helena was the one forgetting about her whenever there was something more fun to do, like hang out at bars with Leon and Hawke, which was something Helena seemed to be doing a lot recently.
So why should I feel bad for spending time with my son? Forget it,
Hunnigan humphed internally, as if she were actually having an argument about the subject with Helena. Fortunately, she quickly realized how immature and stupid she was being about it.
She got up slowly, her arms still around Seeley who had fallen asleep in her lap, and she carried him to his bed and tucked him in, leaning to plant a gentle kiss onto his forehead before sneaking out of the room. She returned to the living room and switched to something a little more interesting than
Tom and Jerry
, but she found herself unable to focus, her attention constantly darting back to her phone to check if she’d gotten a response from Helena. Finally, she caved in and decided to give her a call.
“Hello?” and unfamiliar female voice answered after the phone had been ringing for quite a while.
Crap, maybe I interrupted a date or something,
Hunnigan realized, a sudden and uninvited mental image of Helena in bed with someone (Hawke in this case despite Hunnigan recognizing the voice speaking to her wasn’t Hawke’s, but she had no other woman to associate with Helena in that way), being interrupted by the call flashing through her brain.
She shook it off and introduced herself before inquiring with whom was she speaking instead of having reached her friend like she’d intended.
“I’m detective Tierra De La Cruz, I’m with the NYPD.”
“New York?” Hunnigan frowned. Why the hell was Helena’s phone in New York, and why was a detective answering it?
“Would you mind saving me some trouble by telling me who this phone belongs to?” the detective asked and Hunnigan considered her options. She didn’t think the detective would be asking if it weren’t to find the owner of the phone to hold her responsible for a crime, and Hunnigan didn’t really want to be the reason Helena got in trouble. Then again, it wouldn’t take long for the detective to figure it out since all the DSO agents had agency paid phone subscriptions and all the detective had to do was enter the number into the directory and Helena’s name would pop up. But since De La Cruz evidently hadn’t done that yet, she must’ve only just now gotten hold of the phone. Question still was, why.
If this even is a detective I’m speaking to,
Hunnigan then realized.
“Not at all if you don't mind giving me your badge number first,” she said and the detective let out a half chuckle.
“Sure,” she said and recited the number which Hunnigan didn’t actually have any means of checking immediately, but she’d figured if this was indeed an impersonator, she’d get upset over even being asked for a badge number. Since she didn’t, Hunnigan supposed she was telling the truth.
“And would you tell me why you have my friend’s phone?” Hunnigan then decided to inquire before giving the detective the information she’d requested.
“Well, ma’am, I am standing in the middle of a murder scene and this phone was found ringing under a couch, so I, too, would be very interested in knowing why it is here.”
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“No, no, Hunnigan’s birthday is in September, she’s a Virgo. She’s like... the definition of what a Virgo personality is like,” Hawke’s voice came from Leon’s office just as Hunnigan was about to knock on the door to announce her presence. She wasn’t sure why she’d bothered coming over to the office after having dropped Seeley off at Major’s. She was relatively certain Leon wouldn’t know where Helena was either, but she’d held hope that maybe Helena would be here. Unsurprisingly, there was no sign of the younger woman. But now, having heard her own name mentioned, Hunnigan couldn’t resist the temptation and paused by the door to Leon’s office to listen in on his conversation with Hawke.
“She may not come across like it, but I bet that in private, she takes passion to a whole new level. But like, at the same time, she’s the type who’d make a sex tape for educational purposes, like football players when they watch old games,” Hawke continued and Hunnigan folded her arms over her abdomen and rolled her eyes. Didn’t these two really have anything better to do or anything more interesting to talk about?
“And now I’m imagining her with a chalkboard, lecturing her husband about his technique while the sex tape plays in the background and she points out flaws,” Leon giggle-snorted, and Hunnigan made a mental note to mildly torture him in the future for his remark.
Then again, it’s not like he’s completely wrong,
Hunnigan admitted. She hadn’t made a sex tape nor had she needed a chalkboard, but she had thoroughly educated Major on the subject until he’d gotten very good at it.
“I’d let her lecture me any time,” Hawke purred.
“I’d die happy after seeing that,” Leon chuckled.
“Alas, I’m a Sagittarius, it wouldn’t work in the long run.”
“You always base your relationships on astrology?” Leon snorted and Hawke scoffed at him.
“Yes, especially now because the last and the only time I went on a date with someone without finding out their star sign in advance, I made the mistake of trying to bed a Taurus, namely Helena.”
“So
that’s
why you wanted to know when Helena’s birthday is,” Leon realized.
“Ayep, and knowing what I know now, I can safely say I’ve got just the Bull for our Virgo to take her edge off, if I could figure out where He- heeeyyy, Hunnigan,” Hawke corrected awkwardly when Hunnigan finally decided to put an end to their childish gossiping by making her presence known to the duo.
“Hey, have you guys seen Helena?” she asked.
“No, we were just trying to figure out where she is, even Shepard was asking about her. Apparently she’s been AWOL for over a week now,” Leon said.
“A week?” Hunnigan repeated numbly.
“Yeah...
she’s not answering her phone.“
“I know, I’ve located the phone but she doesn’t have it with her. All right. Okay, I’ll... figure something else out,” Hunnigan muttered.
“Is there anything we can do to help?” Hawke asked.
“I doubt it. I have some idea where she might be, I just didn’t realize she’d been missing for this long,” Hunnigan said, turned around and headed back outside and to her car without saying goodbye, and instead turned her attention to her phone. She dialed her father’s number as she sat in her car, started the engine and began heading toward New York. He didn’t pick up and she left him a message explaining what her situation was and what she needed help with.
Hunnigan felt terrible for not having even noticed that Helena’d been missing, and while she also knew she had no obligation to keep looking after Helena and that she had a life of her own, she couldn’t help but think that maybe things would be better now if she’d kept in touch with Helena.
What am I doing? Why am I doing this?
Hunnigan asked herself as she drove, mixture of snow and rain pelting the windshield and turning the roads into slushy mess. It was a familiar route she drove back and forth rather often, but she could’ve done without the rain.
Helena needs me,
was her answer to the question. She knew it was ridiculous to drive all the way there when she didn’t even know where exactly Helena was, but she couldn’t just stay at home and do nothing either. If nothing else, she hoped her father would be able to help with the search, or give her more information regarding what was happening. Who had been murdered, was Helena the only suspect, had the police found her and questioned her yet? Understandably, detective De La Cruz hadn’t given her any details regarding the whole mess, and Hunnigan knew she shouldn’t ask her father for those either, she shouldn’t put him in that position, he was a respected sergeant and she shouldn’t give anyone any reason to question him or compromise his integrity, but she didn’t have a choice.
Helena. Needs. Me.
What Hunnigan didn’t understand was why she was so quick to rush to her rescue. When Leon had called her from jail and asked her to come pick him up after he’d been arrested for being drunk and disorderly, she’d let him sit there and think about what he’d done. She’d done the same to Hawke when she’d asked Hunnigan to help her get back into the country after she’d lost her passport in Canada.
But when it’s Helena who needs me, I run to her. Why?
Hunnigan mused as she drove.
She hadn’t really given it much thought until now. She’d always felt protective of Helena, she’d considered the young woman her protégé, and recently she’d become a very good friend.
Same can be said about Leon, but I’m not willing to commit atrocities just to get him out of trouble,
Hunnigan thought.
And that was true, when it came to Helena, Hunnigan wasn’t above using and abusing what power she had to ensure Helena would stay out of trouble, and most disturbingly, she wasn’t afraid of risking her own reputation and her career, her life’s work, to protect Helena. When the incident at Tall Oaks had happened, Hunnigan had
known
Helena was lying to her about Leon having a lead. Had Hunnigan done the right thing, she would’ve told Leon to arrest Helena for treason then and there. But she had chosen to let Helena go, she’d chosen to trust her, she’d chosen to compromise her integrity and she’d paid for it, she’d gotten reprimanded, she’d been under investigation because of her actions back then, the committee had considered her an accomplice, and it wasn’t like they were wrong.
Hunnigan had never mentioned this to Helena or Leon because she didn’t want their gratitude or concern, but now when she thought about everything she’d willingly put herself through just to make sure Helena would be all right, she couldn’t understand herself. Hell, right now she was driving to New York trying to find Helena and figure out a way to help her get away with murder (the most disturbing part about all that being the fact that she
would
do everything in her power to help Helena even if it turned out she had committed the murder). Why?
Because I love her.
Hunnigan blinked in surprise at the words.
I love her. Oh, good God, I love her,
she repeated mentally, an odd and indescribable feeling taking over her chest. It was partly fear and anxiety brought on by the realization and that because of it, she’d need to re-evaluate a lot of things about herself and her recent actions, personally and professionally. But mostly, it was a warm feeling of her heart figuratively swelling when she thought about Helena.
I’m in love with Helena Harper. Jesus Christ, how did this happen?
Hunnigan scoffed at herself, then scoffed again at the stupid question. She knew exactly how and when this had been set in motion, she’d just been intentionally ignoring the obvious signs until she couldn’t anymore.
It had been back when they’d shared a sleeping bag at the cabin. Helena had been having a nightmare, she’d cried in her sleep and kept repeating the phrase “I’m helping” with the tiniest, weakest and most heartbreaking voice Hunnigan had ever heard. Hunnigan hadn’t known if she should wake her or not, but before she’d had a chance to debate it further, Helena had whimpered something incoherent and pressed herself against Hunnigan, seeking comfort and safety, and she’d been more than happy to provide. Helena had been fragile and vulnerable in a way Hunnigan didn’t think was possible for the tough young woman to be.
She’d held Helena, and as she had done so, she’d felt something warm spill within her when Helena had nuzzled into the hollow of her throat and held onto Hunnigan. She’d felt an overwhelming need to comfort her, to erase her pain and protect her. She’d felt a certain kind of sadness when she’d felt all the raised scar tissue on Helena’s skin because it was so wrong and so unfair that someone as young as her would have had to suffer so much pain in such a short time.
What Hunnigan felt now was a frantic urge to find Helena and bring her home.
It’s not just that Helena needs me, I need Helena, I need her home, safe and sound,
she thought, and then the screen on her dashboard changed to display a notification which drew her attention.
Incoming call Garrett Del Rey.
Hunnigan thumbed the answer-button on the steering wheel. “Hi, dad.”
“Hey, kitten. How’s the drive?”
“Slushy,” Hunnigan answered, appreciative of her father’s concern but having no patience for pleasantries. “Do you have anything you can tell me?”
“Yeah, um, we found your friend, but...”
“But what?” Hunnigan demanded, and during the few seconds of silence a slew of unpleasant mental images and scenarios raced through her mind.
Maybe they’d found her in a dead in a ditch somewhere and Hunnigan would need to go to the morgue to ID her. Maybe they’d found her alive but she’d confessed to committing the murder. Maybe she’d killed herself. Hunnigan sighed deeply as she worked to dispel the all too vivid mental image of Helena sitting in her car with a gaping hole in her head.
Jesus Christ, stop it, just stop,
she told herself internally.
“Is she okay?” Hunnigan asked her father.
“She’s alive,” Garrett avoided the crux of the question.
“Dad, please, just tell me what is happening!”
“It doesn’t look good. You’re gonna want to get her a really good lawyer.”
Whenever people were asked to describe anger and fury, it was always associated with the color red. Red hot fury, boiling and burning, scalding those that came in contact with it. But for Helena, it went beyond red, it was white-hot. She’d heard people describe getting so angry they black out, but that too was different for her. Technically, she did black out when the fury overwhelmed her, she genuinely could not remember what she’d said or done, but it was never dark, never red. It was a little white moment, like something just swept over her and erased everything until there was nothing but a sterile blank canvas.
It was what had happened in Afghanistan when she’d defended herself and what was left of her team. It was what had happened when she’d shot Deborah’s abusive boyfriend. It was what had happened when she’d killed Simmons. And of all those things, she couldn’t remember the details, not completely, just pieces after she’d been prodded about the incidents later. Deborah’s boyfriend had done her the favor of being very detailed in his testimony in court, Leon’s report regarding the Tall Oaks-incident had helped put together what had gone down with Simmons exactly, and as for Afghanistan... well, Jane did like to exaggerate, but the base of the story helped somewhat, even if Helena still didn’t remember all of it. Frankly, those memories she was glad to see gone.
Helena “came to” at a diner, having no idea how she’d gotten there. She remembered she’d gone to New York to see how the trial would go, and she’d followed Good, confronted her, and then... blank.
“Listen, you’ve been sitting here for hours with that same cup, you’re gonna have to order something or the cook’s gonna throw you out,” a waitress informed Helena.
“Sure, okay, uhm...” she muttered, and as she went to unwrap her hand from around the mug, she realized her knuckles were bruised and hurting. “I’ll have the double-dog and a cola... and a refill, thanks,” she muttered.
“All right then,” the waitress said and headed back behind the counter after refilling Helena’s coffee from the pot she’d held in her hand.
“Ow,” Helena mumbled to herself after leaning her chin to her palm and realizing her face hurt. She turned to look at her warped reflection from the metallic napkin dispenser at the end of her table. The underside of her left eye was dark purple but there didn’t seem to be any noticeable swelling. She also had a small cut on the side of her nose, a large bruise on her jaw, and a stinging split on her lower lip.
Don’t bother taking your rings off, Good. It won’t make a difference.
Helena felt herself recoil when the memory of saying that came to her.
“You okay? You look like you’ve been in some fights,” the waitress commented as she returned with Helena’s meal.
“Yeah, but you should see that truck’s face,” Helena jested, hoping it would be enough to avoid any follow-up questions. The waitress leaned down and put her hand over Helena’s forearm.
“Listen, if there’s a reason you don’t want to go home, just say the word. I know someone who can help,” she said in a quiet voice, and Helena frowned, not understanding what she meant. The waitress dug into her apron and produced a card which she then pressed into Helena’s hand.
“I know it’s scary, but you’re not alone,” she said, patted Helena’s forearm and returned to work.
“Oh,” Helena exhaled slowly when she looked at the card. It contained the name and contact information of a battered women’s shelter.
Look at that, once again someone hurries to help you because you’re so pathetic they feel sorry for you. Aren’t you even ashamed?
her grandmother’s voice asked, and Helena sighed.
She didn’t debate with it but stood up instead and headed toward the bathroom, thinking she’d need to assess the extent of the damage done to her face from an actual mirror. As she was nearing a booth, she heard a wolf whistle which she ignored.
Only whores and dogs turn to look when someone whistles at them.
That was the only piece of actual advice Helena remembered getting from her grandmother. She couldn’t remember what had inspired the lesson, just the advice itself.
“Yo, babe, what’s your hurry?” the man who Helena assumed was also the one who’d whistled at her called out as she was about to pass the booth.
“Leave me alone,” she sighed.
“Come on, now, I’d rather we were friends, I can be really friendly,” he said and took it upon himself to slap her ass as she walked by. He laughed, the kind of a filthy laugh a person who thinks their boring double entendres and lewd remarks are funny would laugh. The kind of a laugh Helena had heard often from Kassandra Good as she’d worked her name into suggestive comments, none of them clever or even remotely funny, especially to Helena who had never wanted to be “a Good girl”.
His laugh was cut short by Helena who in an instant turned around, grabbed the back of his neck and shoved him forward until his head hit the table, utensils clattering loudly as they fell onto the tile floor from the force of the impact. She then yanked him up only to slam him back down again and again, the porcelain plate cracking under the force of the hits, the hot mess of gravy and mashed potatoes clinging to his skin, the stream of blood running from his split lips and broken nose giving the remnants of food on his face and on the table a pink shade.
“I can be really friendly too,” Helena grunted through clenched teeth, slamming his head down once more before reaching to grab one of the forks still left on the table. She felt herself getting lost in the white fury, the pleas of her victim becoming nothing but static, the commands to stop from outside drowned in the loud ringing in her ears which also muted the voice of sense within her, no one and nothing capable of reasoning with her and getting her to stop anymore, she was past the point of no return, lost in the little white moment.
Helena was about to drive the fork down with all the strength she had, aiming toward the man’s eye, the force of the impact if successful undoubtedly lethal. Before she could, she felt something hit her back and a fraction of a second later, the muscles in her body spasmed, the cramp making her feel like her entire body was on fire and locked into pain, keeping her from moving, the force of it dropping her onto the floor where she lay rigidly until the current being led to her body stopped and she lost consciousness.
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
While you’re here there’ll be no drugs, no alcohol, no porn, no gambling. Keep a magazine inserted in your weapon at all times, weapon on safe, and keep your handgun and two magazines on you at all times when moving through the area because you know that if something goes down, you’re going to burn through ammo fast. In case of a rocket attack, hit the deck, cover your ears, wait two minutes. Welcome to Kandahar.”
“Maxima?” Helena muttered, still half asleep, the words of her friend’s ghost echoing clear as a bell through her ears.
“Those fucking terrorist scum have the nerve to call us cowards when all they do is leave a bomb and run away like the fucking cockroaches they are and then they wait to ambush the rescuers too. And I’m supposed to be understanding to their cause? No. Fuck that. Boo-fucking-hoo, I don’t fucking care, if I could, I’d happily go back and I’d plant a big fucking bomb and blow up the whole fucking country.”
“Jane, enough,” Helena sighed and while knowing her eyes were closed, in her mind she could still see herself clearly stepping out of the barracks, she could see her uniformed legs, her dusty boots, she could see herself trip over the doorstep and that’s when she jolted awake, her heart thumping loudly in her throat when the anticipation of pain from the fall and the sudden startle of very vividly feeling herself fall scared her.“...what... is this? Where am I?” she breathed heavily, realizing she’d been half asleep, that she’d only dreamt being back in Afghanistan, dreamt falling. She wasn’t in Kandahar, she wasn’t at home, she was in a holding cell, surrounded by stained white stone, her shoulder blades, back, and buttocks aching from having slept on the hard bench which served as the only seat (excluding the steel toilet in the corner of the room) available in the cell.“Well... at least I’m alone,” she muttered as she sat up, unaware of the string Hunnigan had pulled to make that happen. Sighing, Helena leaned to her knees and buried her face in her hands. Her entire body felt a little weak after the shot from the taser, but at least they hadn’t pepper sprayed her. She’d experienced both during her training at the police academy (and again during her DSO-training, with the added bonus of being waterboarded, the experience much more harrowing than she’d expected from something that looked so simple, but when the water had forced its way into her lungs, she’d panicked, broken free from the restraints with the sheer power of adrenaline kicking in and telling her it was a fight or die-situation, and ran out of the room) and given the choice, she would pick getting tasered over getting pepper sprayed any day of the week.
“I’m in so much trouble. Hunnigan’s gonna be so mad at me,” Helena muttered and without any warning, burst into tears over the thought. She wasn’t sad because she was in trouble, probably going to jail or at the very least going to spend the rest of her life paying off the expenses she’d inevitably have to pay to the guy she’d assaulted at the diner; she was sad because she felt like she’d let Hunnigan down, and that was the worst thing about the whole mess.Helena sniffled and wiped her face when she heard the lock on the door rattle as an officer worked to open it.
“Good morning!” a detective wearing a dark red collared shirt and black jeans greeted as she pulled the door open. Her light brown hair was cut into a short pixie style, swept to the left over her forehead. She looked rather friendly, leading Helena to presume she was typically the one playing the role of good cop.“I think you and I need to have a little talk,” she said and Helena scoffed amusedly.“I was always told not to talk to strangers.”“I’m detective Tierra De La Cruz, this is my partner Clarke Lewis,” she introduced herself and him, and looking over at the bald guy who looked like the stereotypical tough “seen it all, doesn’t care anymore, just wants to retire”-cop whose type would be played by Bruce Willis in a movie, Helena was certain she’d gotten her assessment correct, De La Cruz would be the good cop in this scenario.
“Come on, young lady, you’ve got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do,” Lewis said, gestured impatiently with his hand until she stood up. He then gripped Helena’s arm just above the elbow to make sure she wouldn’t do anything stupid like try running away as he and De La Cruz went to have her properly booked before escorting her to the interview room.“So... you wanna tell us why you assaulted that guy at the diner?” De La Cruz opened after Helena had sat down on the opposite side of the table.“He assaulted me first,” Helena shrugged one shoulder and told them about the slap on her ass.“And you don’t think you overreacted?” Lewis (whom Helena was mentally referring to as Bruce Willis now) asked from his spot by the door where he stood with his arms folded.“No,” Helena said unapologetically because she really didn’t. She was glad the cops who’d been present at the diner had stopped her before she’d killed the bastard, but she felt like he’d deserved a lesson. She sighed in exasperation.“Look, let’s just get this over with. He assaulted me, I retaliated and as a result he’s the injured party here, he’s gonna sue, I’ll plead guilty and everyone’s happy, so let’s just move this along.”“He’s not interested in pressing charges, and the ADA isn’t interested in that either because he’s got bigger fish to fry with you,” De La Cruz said.“He’s not?” Helena frowned.“I was surprised too,” the detective agreed, and Helena couldn’t understand at all. Then her focus shifted to the latter part of what the detective had said.“What do you mean the ADA has bigger fish to fry?” she frowned.
“Do you recognize this?” De La Cruz asked after digging into the folder she was holding and pulled out a photo of a phone.“It’s mine,” Helena said after taking a closer look and noticing the familiar crack on the edge of the screen.
“Do you know where we found it?”“I didn’t even know I’d lost it.”“Do you know Kassandra Good?” Lewis asked and Helena swallowed hard.
“Uh, yeah, she was my drill sergeant when I enlisted in the army in 2006.”“Did you get along with her?” he continued.“About as well as anyone does with their drill sergeant. Once, during bunk inspection she messed my bed up on purpose and ordered me to make it again thirteen times, but that was just a part of the hazing tradition, I guess,” Helena shrugged.“So you never had any problems with her?”“Like I said, she was my drill sergeant so it’s not like she went easy on me, but that’s a part of the training.”“Uh-huh,” De La Cruz said and Helena could easily notice she was preparing to switch to bad cop. She dug out more photos from the folder and placed them on the table.
“So, I’m guessing you had no reason to do this to her,” De La Cruz said and slid the photos over the table and closer to Helena.
Oh, I had plenty of reason, Helena thought, merely glancing at the photos, not taking the time to look properly. It was obvious someone had beaten Good up properly, for all Helena knew, she’d done it, but she sure as hell wouldn’t confess to it.“Is she saying that I did?” Helena asked and pushed the photos back before instinctively moving to cover her bruised knuckles with her equally bruised other hand, aware of how pointless it was to do so, the detectives had surely already seen them time and again.“She’s not saying anything, she’s dead,” Lewis informed her.“Wait, she's dead?”Lewis had already taken a long inhale to speak again when the door was shoved open, the side of it impacting into his elbow and he muttered curses under his breath at the pain.“You, shut up,” the woman who’d entered the room said, pointing her finger at Helena before turning to point at De La Cruz. “You, arrest her properly and get her to central booking so we can move this along,” she then ordered. It’s the woman from the painting, Helena thought, remembering the painting of the pirate queen she’d seen at Nolan’s apartment during the New Year’s party. Only, the woman ordering everyone around wasn’t wearing a blue bandana and a large hat over it, instead, she wore a black suit and dark red shirt with it, a long black coat hanging over her forearm, a briefcase in the same hand. Helena noticed she did have the earrings she’d seen on the woman in the painting, undoubtedly a family heirloom.
That’s Hunnigan’s mother, what is she doing here?
“I thought you’d retired, Isabela,” Lewis grumbled, still rubbing the sore spot on his elbow.
“Gotta take a case on now and then to keep my teeth sharp, I would be a lousy shark without those,” Isabela smirked as De La Cruz gestured for Helena to stand up.“Helena Harper, you’re under arrest for the murder of Kassandra Good, you have the right to remain silent,” she began as she cuffed Helena’s wrists, continuing the listing of her rights as she walked her out of the room.“Sit tight and keep your mouth shut, I’ll be over to see you as soon as I can,” Isabela told Helena.“Yes, ma’am,” she muttered an answer as she was being walked through the precinct. Her heart leapt when she saw Hunnigan standing in the lobby. She was dressed in a long leather jacket, a navy blue hoodie and jeans underneath, a gray scarf loosely wrapped around her neck. For a moment, all Helena could do was stare at her almost not believing she was here. Hunnigan was speaking to a man with black hair and a neat beard, the gold-colored sergeant’s shield attached to his belt telling Helena that he was undoubtedly the one in charge here.“Seriously, kitten? You had to drag her into this?” he sighed in exasperation, nodding toward Isabela.“You’re the one who told me to get a good lawyer,” Hunnigan said innocently.
“Hunnigan, what are you-” Helena began to say and took a step toward her but detective De La Cruz yanked her back before she had a chance to go to her.“It’ll be all right, I’ll see you after the arraignment, okay? Just, do as Isabela says,” Hunnigan said as De La Cruz kept walking Helena out.“You sure do have friends in high places,” the detective scoffed.
Helena agreed, even if she didn’t understand how and why she had gotten so lucky.
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan couldn’t say that she was proud of what she’d done to get the man Helena had assaulted to drop the idea of pressing charges. When she’d found out his name and phone number and texted him something suggestive, he’d quickly responded like the horny idiot she’d expected him to be, and he’d kept messaging with her even after she’d done the whole “oops, wrong number”-routine once she’d gotten him to practically welcome the Trojan horse she’d sent him. She had to give him credit, though; he’d been severely injured but he still kept trying to bed someone who had, as far as he knew, accidentally sent a sext to the wrong number, that level of horny would’ve been impressive had it not been so nasty.She’d expected to find nothing than the odd dick pics she could use to extort him with, she could reason that he might end up getting labeled a sex offender if she posted those in his name across his social media profiles. Then she’d found the video of him masturbating with what she assumed had to be a custom fleshlight because it had been made to look like a clown’s head. When she’d threatened to expose that, he’d rushed promise he would not be pressing charges (and sworn he’d never catcall a woman again).
That, surprisingly, had been the easy part. The next would be much trickier, and it was something Hunnigan had to let her mother handle, whether she liked it or not... and whether her father liked it or not. The whole reason Isabela had retired and rather focused on teaching law than practicing it in the first place was because her defending the people her husband was trying to put away was beginning to seriously strain their relationship. Hunnigan did feel like she’d somehow stabbed her father in the back by going to Isabela about this, but Helena needed the help, and Hunnigan had no intention of letting her fate fall into the hands of an overworked public defender. Besides, she knew her mother well enough to know that she, much like Hunnigan herself, liked to win, and after all this time teaching rather than practicing, she wouldn’t be rusty, she would be ravenous for a win. Frankly, it was beginning to look like Helena definitely needed a ravenous shark to stay out of jail.“How does the defendant plead?”“Not guilty, your honor.”“Any thoughts on bail, mister Rutherford?” the judge inquired from the ADA.“The people request that the defendant be remanded in custody, she is being charged with second degree murder, she has no ties to the community, and because of the opportunities to flee the country guaranteed by her job, we consider her an extreme flight risk.”“My client shouldn’t even be here, the only piece of evidence the prosecution has tying my client to the murder is her phone which they discovered at the crime scene. You can’t say how or why it ended up there, my client could’ve been having tea with her old army buddy for all we know.”“There is also the nine-one-one call about a disturbance at the victim’s apartment, and the defendant’s obvious injuries which could only have resulted from a physical fight.”“There are no witnesses placing my client at the scene of the crime, not at the time of the nine-one-one-call, and not before or after that either. As for her injuries, again, nothing states beyond doubt that she sustained them at Kassandra Good’s apartment or even during the same day, she could’ve gotten those anywhere. My client is a highly regarded agent working for the Division of Security Operations, she is-”“Oh, so just because someone is a DSO agent, they should get away with murder? I hate to break it to you, but contrary to what everyone seems to think, DSO agents are not above the law!” Rutherford interrupted, scoffing in disbelief as he grew more frustrated and impatient..“All right, I’ve heard enough. The bail is set at one million. Miss Harper, you will surrender your passport and you will not leave the state, do you understand these conditions?” the judge asked her.
Helena was about to inquire how the hell was she supposed to work from here and where was she supposed to stay if she wasn’t allowed to leave the state, but then she realized it wasn’t like she could afford the bail anyway.“I understand, your honor,” she responded and the judge proceeded to schedule the rest of the trial.“Sit tight,” Isabela said to Helena when the bailiff came to escort Helena back to the cell.
“I’ll try not to go anywhere,” Helena offered a wry smirk.
After Helena had been escorted out, Hunnigan exited the courtroom as well and made a phone call to her brother.“Seriously? I love that song but I don’t think it’s worth a million,” Nolan chuckled when Hunnigan offered a deal to him; she would sign over her rights as the composer and he could use her work as he saw fit, and in return he would loan her a million.“You’ve been obsessing over the song because you’re envious that you didn’t compose it, and the next best thing to actually having composed it is to own the copyright to it, so just spare me your bullshit. Besides, it’s a loan, you’ll get it back, the song is just an incentive and interest,” Hunnigan said in exasperation.“I hate you so much for knowing me so well. Fine, I’ll have the money sent to you as soon as possible.”“I need it immediately. Oh, and I also need another favor.”“What now, you want the fillings from my fuckin’ teeth?” Nolan scoffed.“I want to use your New York apartment for a few weeks, maybe longer, I don’t know yet.”“What the hell is going on, are you hiding from a hitman and preparing to leave the country or something?” Nolan asked and nothing in his tone implied he’d made the comment in jest. Hunnigan smiled.“No, it’s to help a friend,” she said, refusing to go into further detail. Nolan sighed deeply.“Fine. Mom has the keys to the New York apartment.“Thank you. I’ll owe you one.”“More than one."“I’ve never lost a case unless my client has undermined me, so if you want to stay out of prison, don’t lie to me, and definitely don’t give statements without me,” Isabela said sternly as she sat down with Helena while they waited for the paperwork for Helena’s bail to be processed.“Understood, ma’am,” Helena muttered and Isabela glanced over with a quirked eyebrow, scanning for signs of sarcasm, but nothing about Helena’s demeanor suggested she was being cocky, just genuinely defaulting to overly respectful politeness which Isabela presumed was the result of a strict upbringing and years served in the military.“Aren’t you gonna ask me if I did it?” Helena inquired.“No, because I already know you didn’t. If you had, we wouldn’t be having this conversation because I would be busy making damn sure you wouldn’t ever be able to get within an inch of my little girl,” Isabela responded. Helena frowned deeply and remained silent for a long moment before finally asking how Isabela knew she was innocent.“You may kill out of anger or in self defense, but you’re not a murderer, that’s not the feeling I get from you at all, and believe me, I know that feeling, I’ve sat next to actual murderers often enough. At most we’re looking at manslaughter here,” Isabela said dismissively. “So, in your own words, what happened?”“I went over there to confront her about something that happened while I was in the army and she was training me. It escalated into a brawl.”“And?”“...and I... blacked out. I have this thing... there’s something wrong with me, when I get angry enough, I just black out, I don’t remember what I did. I may have killed her,” Helena confessed in a tiny, defeated voice.
“What were you arguing about? Why here? Why now?” Isabela continued her questioning relentlessly, not buying for a second that Helena had randomly come into town for no particular reason.
Isabela already had an idea of what Helena’s connection to Good would have to be considering Good had contacted Isabela not long ago and stated she wanted Isabela to represent her. She’d turned Good down after a two minute conversation. The charges alone were a red flag, but what really broke the camel’s back was the, for lack of a better word, aura of evil, wickedness and depravity Isabela had sensed the moment she’d stepped into Good’s presence. Despite her name, the woman was evil. Irony sure was a dick.
“Nothing big, she just...” Helena mumbled, and Isabela exhaled agitatedly through her nose.“I told you not to lie to me.”“If I tell you the truth, you can’t tell anyone about it, especially not Ingrid. I don’t want her to know just how fucked up I am, okay? She’s the only real friend I have left in the world, and I don’t want to lose her,” Helena muttered.“Everything we discuss is confidential, if I hear something that might help your case, I’d rather we use it but I can’t force you to disclose anything you don’t want to. So, what happened?” Isabela asked once more.
Helena fell silent, sucked on her teeth and repeatedly took a deep breath as if to begin speaking but then changed her mind about it. Isabela didn’t rush her, just waited for the obviously nervous and reluctant young woman to speak up.“Sergeant Good sexually assaulted me almost daily for the entire duration of my basic training. I won’t go into detail because I will not repeat this to anyone no matter what, I’d rather go to jail for the murder.”Isabela nodded, having already figured out as much; it was hardly something people were eagerly lining up to talk about.
The records of Good’s trial were sealed (which was something Isabela had found out after trying to access them recently) and even with the promise of no one ever finding out the details of it, the ADA hadn’t been able to convince people to testify. Isabela had to wonder just how bad the things Good did must’ve been for no one (of what had to be dozens if not hundreds) to be willing to even talk about it. Discussing such matters wasn’t easy, of course, but considering how many victims there had to be, the amount of silence seemed disproportionate.“You confront her, you fight, you lose your phone during the fight, but you don’t remember her condition when you left the apartment,” Isabela recounted.“I told you, I don’t, I don’t even remember leaving there,” Helena insisted.“All right. Do you feel up to looking at the crime scene photos with me, see if it’ll jog your memory?”“Sure, I’m not squeamish,” Helena sighed and Isabela opened the folder. There was a lot of blood pooled around Good’s head and caked to her hair, lips, and cheek, but there were no visible wounds as far as Isabela could make out. Good’s head, however, looked somewhat deformed and oddly flat, someone had literally caved her face in.
Isabela went to look at the list of things Helena had been wearing when she’d been arrested.“Brown leather boots,” she read out loud and went to look for the photos of said items. “Did you wear these and only these the time you’ve been here?” she asked and held up a picture of Helena’s boots.“Yeah,” she nodded.“There’s no blood,” Isabela muttered as she leaned in to take a closer look. The labs would have to confirm it, but she couldn’t see any. If Helena had been at the crime scene during the murder, there was no way she would’ve managed to walk out of there without getting blood on her shoes, there were plenty of obvious smudges of it on the floor, leading to the bathroom where whoever had killed Good had washed their shoes since there were no prints heading outside. The prints were too messy to make proper comparisons to Helena’s boots and their soles, but there should’ve been blood or water stains on them, and as far as Isabela could see, Helena’s boots were immaculate if a little worn.“You ladies mind continuing this elsewhere?” an officer asked. “Your bail has been posted, you can go,” he then said.“My... how?” Helena stammered.“Does it matter?” he shrugged.“I’ll wait for you at the entrance. Oh, and just a heads up, there’s a lot of press out front, don’t make any comments, if someone must speak, I’ll do it, got it?” Isabela said as Helena got up and went to be processed.“Yes, ma’am,” the young woman responded somewhat sheepishly. Isabela gathered the police reports and the crime scene photos and headed outside as well. She wasn’t at all surprised to see her daughter in the waiting area, impatiently pacing back and forth.
“So, I take it this is the same friend you rushed to save on Christmas.”“What of it?” Hunnigan asked agitatedly.“Nothing,” Isabela shrugged.Contrary to what she knew her daughter liked to think of her, she wasn’t rigid and unimaginative, and she was certainly more perceptive than what Ingrid gave her credit for. She didn’t know what had gone so wrong in her relationship with her daughter, why Ingrid’s idea of her mother was so different from what she was like, but she’d given up trying to figure it out. She knew she could be blunt and tough, but she’d never said or done anything just for the purpose of hurting Ingrid’s feelings or criticizing her for nothing. Regardless of her intentions, however, she knew not to try and discuss Helena with her; Ingrid was already defensive about it, they would just end up arguing.
Isabela couldn’t help but smile, though, when she saw the way Ingrid was around the younger woman as she walked through the gates carrying what little of her belongings she was allowed to take back with her in a plastic bag. Ingrid went to her and pulled her into a hug before even taking a moment to greet her, and Helena’s arms wrapped around Ingrid’s midsection instinctively, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Now, kiss, Isabela encouraged mentally, but they didn’t; instead Helena slowly pulled away from the hug and asked why was Ingrid here and how had she managed to bail her out.
“I’ll explain later, but for now, let’s just get out of here,” Ingrid said with a faint smile, her hand still gripping Helena’s. Oh, kitten, you two are so in love with each other it’s almost painful to watch this because you’re both such oblivious idiots and I know better than to tell you, Isabela mused with a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, amazed at how the two had not realized their feelings for each other when she, who hadn’t seen them together for more than a few seconds just now, could easily see it.The moment they stepped outside, they were surrounded by eager reporters clamoring loudly, flashes going off as they tried getting photos, but Ingrid thought fast, Isabela noticed; she shoved her hand deep into the pocket of her long coat and pulled the hem over Helena’s head to hide and shield her like she were a wounded bird under her wing.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Nolan’s New York apartment was a loft with an open floor plan, a long counter separating the kitchen from the space which served as the dining room, which then ended at the back of a couch that split the space into a living room. The bedroom and his home office (which served mainly as a spot where he stored his awards and some paperwork he never needed but couldn’t throw out either for legal reasons until a certain period of time had passed) were on the mezzanine. Contrary to his large apartment in D.C., Nolan’s loft was actually quite cozy. The exposed brick walls and warm brown tones of the interior design made Helena feel more comfortable than the almost sterile look Nolan’s D.C. apartment had.
“I thought you might want to take a shower,” Hunnigan suggested after they’d settled in, handing Helena a towel and guiding her to the bathroom, and she had no objections. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d showered, all she knew was her deodorant had failed long ago, the skin of her face felt unpleasantly grimy, and she felt anything but fresh overall.
As she scrubbed herself clean, she discovered new sore spots on her body. She stared at her faint reflection on the glass wall of the shower, and she could easily make out the large dark bruises on her torso and sides.
“What the hell happened?” she asked herself, trying to force herself to remember more of the details.She’d punched Good almost as soon as she’d opened the door, she’d knocked her to the ground and straddled her chest, using her right hand to grip the front of Good’s shirt and her left to deliver frantic punches to her face while screaming something akin to “Fuck you, fuck you, you fucking piece of shit! ” at her. Good had jabbed the heel of her palm into Helena’s jaw and shoved her to the side, getting to her feet and she’d kicked Helena in the torso when she’d been on her knees on the floor, trying to get up.
That’s when I lost my phone, she remembered when the vivid sound of it clattering on the floor rang back in her ears. The force of the kick to her abdomen must’ve made the phone slip from her jacket pocket.
She dragged me up and punched my face, her rings split my lip... and then I think she threw me out, literally, Helena recalled, the bruises on her torso the result of her landing on and then rolling down the stairs leading to Good’s apartment.
I don’t think I could have killed her, I couldn’t even win the fight, Helena frowned. As much as she hated admitting it, it was becoming more and more evident that she’d been no match to Kassandra Good in hand-to-hand-combat... not that it was exactly surprising considering Good’s long career in the military and her experience as a drill sergeant; the bitter truth of it was that Good had been a very talented soldier. Too bad she was a monster and used everything she knew only to make some people’s lives hell, Helena thought angrily. You really are an ungrateful brat. If it weren’t for me and everything I taught you, you wouldn’t even know what to fantasize about when you imagine fucking Hunnigan. “Shut up,” Helena growled.
Come on now, you love the mental image of her on her knees, face down, ass up, just waiting for you to fuck her brains out. But if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even know how to go about that. You’re welcome. “You’re dead, shut up!” Helena yelled and slammed the side of her fist against the tiled wall. The angle was a little off and instead of just smashing the meaty part of her palm essentially painlessly, she managed to hit the bony part of her wrist as well. The sharp hot pain shot up her hand and spread inside her wrist, momentarily numbing the side of her hand completely before it settled into a steady stinging
and throbbing ache.
“Fuck,” she grunted as she gripped her wrist and squeezed it tightly as if doing so would somehow make the pain go away. It didn’t. Then the tears came. Not of physical pain but of anguish over being the way she was.“I don’t want to think that way,” she hissed through her sobs, the saliva her heavy and agitated breaths blew from between her clenched teeth and the tears mottled in with the hot water pelting her head.
She didn’t want to think that way about anyone, let alone of Hunnigan. It was lewd, disrespectful, disgusting, perverted. And so are you, Good whispered in the form of an intrusive thought.“Fuck you,” Helena spat, rinsed off once more and shut the water off. “Fuck. You,” she repeated angrily, stepped out of the shower and began toweling herself off.
As she bent over to dry her legs, an all too vivid mental image engulfed her mind and for a few moments she could’ve sworn she was bent over Good’s desk, the sergeant’s hand gripping the back of her neck and pinning her down, her face pressed against the hard and worn wooden surface, the light of the desklamp hitting her eyes in the most unpleasant way. She could smell the sickening stench of sugared coffee that had dried in the bottom of the mug on Good’s desk.
Now, be a Good girl, I promise this won’t hurt... for too long.
Good’s breath made its way across the back of Helena’s neck and into her nostrils, the stuffy smell of cigarettes and fruity gum that had lost its flavor clinging to it, the smell somehow getting lodged Helena’s sinuses so badly she swore she could smell it for days after.
I see blood. Oh, was this your first time?
“You’re dead,” Helena said, squeezing her eyes shut tighter to banish the image, and even after it was gone, she could still feel the phantom pain of the nightstick pressing roughly against her, the painful pressure of it bruising her cervix, the sharp and burning cutting sensation crossing her lower abdomen as she could still clearly feel Good twist and poke her insides.
I outrank you, and for as long as I am your superior officer, I can destroy you, so I suggest you fall in line and don’t even think about mentioning this to anyone once you limp out of here. It would make me sad to lose you, pet. You’re my favorite.
“What was the fucking point of it all, anyway?” Helena whispered to herself as she waited for the unpleasant memory to fade at least enough for her to exit the bathroom without shaking and feeling like she was about to choke on the air she was breathing.
She’d asked Good that, repeatedly as she’d kept punching her face, and Good had laughed through her split lips and bloody teeth. She’d laughed. Helena’s need to know why she’d been hurt and humiliated had amused Good. Her anger over it, her desperation for some justification, for some reason why Good had done it, why her, all of her pain... all of it had just been funny to Good.
“She laughed!” Helena yelled furiously, and once again found herself punching the nearest surface because the hot tension in her arms wouldn’t go away unless she found an outlet for the rage.
“Helena?” Hunnigan’s voice tore her back into reality, and she drew in a shaky breath, then pulled her fist out from the hole it had made on the bathroom door, the ragged edges of the splintered wood digging into her skin, deepening the already bleeding wounds it had caused during the initial impact.After handing Helena a towel and directing her to the bathroom, Hunnigan sat on the couch and leaned back, raising her forearm to rest over her eyes. She blew out a long exasperated breath.
“Here,” Isabela said and nudged Hunnigan’s arm. She sat up and accepted the full glass of scotch her mother handed her.“Thank you,” she sighed and took a drink.
“So, what’s her story?” Isabela asked and sat next to Hunnigan.“Parents died in a murder-suicide-kind of a situation when she was a kid... or that’s what I presume based on what she shared before. She and her little sister were raised by their alcoholic grandmother... and her little sister passed away last summer. She was in the army and then a cop before doing a stint in the Secret Service from where I headhunted her for the DSO,” Hunnigan gave a brief history, leaving out the details of Helena’s many indiscretions.
“Sounds like she’s had a tough life,” Isabela said.“She has, this murder-charge is the last thing she needs, which is why I called you. We may not always get along but I would never disrespect you by underestimating you, and I needed the best.”“You don’t need to butter me up, kitten, I’ve already agreed to take the case,” Isabela chuckled.“So... what do you think happened?”“My client is innocent, and for once I genuinely mean it,” Isabela smirked.“But she was there.”“And I was at the World Trade Center a few hours before the planes hit, doesn’t mean I’m guilty of anything.”“Wow, you should definitely use that analogy with the jury,” Hunnigan drawled sarcastically.
“There won’t be a jury because there won’t be a trial, I’ll figure this out and Rutherford’s gonna have to drop the charges, trust me.”“I wish I shared your confidence,” Hunnigan sighed deeply and took a long drink from her glass.“Look, that girl’s been through a lot, and she didn’t come out of it smelling like roses, but she’s no murderer. That said, she’s definitely not mentally stable either, you need to be careful.”“And you’re basing your opinion on what, having known her for five minutes?” Hunnigan asked, realizing very well that getting so defensive about it was only speaking volumes to prove Isabela’s point and giving away the fact that Hunnigan knew Isabela was right. She hated being so obvious.“I know what a mental health problem looks like, need I remind you of what your father went through after 9/11?” Isabela said and Hunnigan sighed deeply.“No, you don’t,” she said.
Her father, like many other officers, had struggled with PTSD and survivor’s guilt, he’d been depressed and suicidal, but the difference between him and Helena was that he’d admitted it and accepted the help offered to him. Hunnigan knew Helena well enough to know she would never admit she was not all right. Hunnigan told as much to her mother and Isabela regarded her for a long time, slowly taking a drink from her glass, swallowed the scotch and sucked on her teeth before finally speaking her mind.“She’s more than just a friend, isn’t she?”Hunnigan didn’t have a response she was willing to give, but thankfully, she didn’t need to come up with a convincing lie either because before she had a chance to even react, she heard a loud crash from upstairs. Hunnigan put her glass away and got to her feet, hurrying up the steps, Isabela following her.“Helena?” she called out, paused to knock on the door and pulled on it gingerly after waiting a moment.
Helena stood right behind the door, a mixture of moisture from the shower and a thin sheet of sweat glistening on her naked pale skin, her hand balled into a fist, the white of her knuckles shining through the bloody mess the ragged edges of the hole she’d punched in the door had made of her hand.“Helena. Helena... everything’s okay. Helena, you’re safe,” Hunnigan kept repeating calmly in an attempt to get Helena’s attention. “You’re in New York with me and my mom, remember? Is it okay if I touch you?”“No. No!” she shook her head, her wet hair roping around her neck, sticking to her skin.“All right, I promise I won’t do that unless you say it’s okay. Do you know where you are?” Hunnigan inquired but Helena didn’t say anything. While Hunnigan kept patiently coaxing her out of the bathroom, Isabela went to get a bottle of water from the fridge and retrieved her purse before returning upstairs. Wordlessly, she handed the bottle and a Snickers bar to Hunnigan, then pushed a single pill into her palm. Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow but didn’t stop to ask what it was, that detail didn’t matter right now.Several minutes later Hunnigan finally convinced Helena to take a bite of the candy bar Isabela had brought, and she took the pill given to her. It took equally long for her to convince Helena to finally come out of the bathroom and allow Hunnigan to touch her so that she could go and wrap a towel around Helena and hold her in a half-hug as she walked her over to the bed. Hunnigan thought the episode was clearing but the moment she suggested Helena lie down, she got agitated again.
“Don’t fucking touch me!”“I won’t, I won’t, I promise, okay, I promise. You’re safe here with me, no one's gonna hurt you. Everything’s all right, you’re safe,” she resorted to repeating once more and this time it didn’t take quite as long to calm her down. Hunnigan supposed that whatever was in the pill Isabela had given her was responsible for Helena drifting from agitated to calm and drowsy, and agreeing to lie down.“What did you give her?” Hunnigan asked as she pulled the blanket over Helena who was hugging a pillow to her chest, struggling to keep her eyes open.“Xanax, never leave home without it,” Isabela smirked. “Speaking of, I should head home. I have police reports to read. Will you be all right?”“Yes. Thank you.”“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night, kitten.”“Good night, mom,” Hunnigan said and waited for her to exit the apartment before settling to lie on the empty side of the bed.
“I don’t know where you went just now, but I want you to know that you’re safe with me. I will protect you from anything you could even imagine being afraid of, mon ange, ” Hunnigan whispered, knowing perfectly well she had very little means of backing up her bravado but still meaning every word of it.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“You killed me,” Deborah said, her mutated gray skin glistening underneath the light illuminating the bar she sat at. Jane was serving drinks behind the counter, jumping on one leg from a faceless customer to another, a steady stream of blood dripping from the mess of charred flesh and bone that had been her leg.
“The fucking potatoes!” Jane suddenly yelled and rushed over to what appeared to be the backroom.
“I didn’t kill anyone,” Helena argued with Deborah. She turned to look behind her when a loud clattering sound caught her attention. There were no players around the pool table, nor were there billiard balls on it. Instead, the elegant red cloth served as a resting place for Maxima Ibsen’s upper half which had been framed with cue balls, some of the spheres cracked and their shiny surfaces stained with light blue chalk.
“You let me get kidnapped and infected. You let me fall. You grieve her, but not me!” Deborah yelled furiously, one of the long appendages stemming from her back lunging up and forward, then lurching down, impaling Maxima and crushing the pool table, a steady stream of cue balls pouring from the smashed table, as if it were bleeding them.
“Have you spared me a thought? No. Just her,” Deborah sneered, punctuating her words by shaking the half a body hanging impaled on her claw, thick bloody mess dripping from it. “And yourself,” Deborah then spat, shaking Maxima off, her body reduced to an unrecognizable mess as it slammed onto the floor like a dropped meatloaf, gray thick fluid oozing from it.
“I’m sorry,” Helena cried.
“‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry,’ Is that all you can say? Huh!?” Frances Harper asked as she appeared next to Helena, slapping her granddaughter so hard Helena’s ear began to ring. “You disgusting, revolting, devil-child!” she yelled and hit Helena again, this time hard enough to make her lose her balance and fall to the stained and scratched wooden floor, the mess that had been Maxima covering her hands, making them sickeningly sticky. “You abandoned me, you never did anything to save me. You let me die,” Deborah accused and Helena finally found her fury. “You dare! You dare to claim I didn’t save you, after all the beatings I took for you! I could’ve let you die, time and again, long before Simmons happened, but I didn’t!” Helena yelled.
“She wasn’t even your real sister, why should you have even cared?” Frances spat.
“Why do you hate me so much?” Helena sobbed.
“Because you are a monster.” “She’s right, you know,” Sergeant Good snickered from behind Helena, sitting amidst the splinters of the pool table, thick clots of blood caked to her head that looked too flat. She smiled, some of her teeth grotesquely sticking outward from her mouth, like something had tried to break free from behind them.
“Shut up, you’re dead.” “Honey, we’re all dead here,” Good laughed. “And you are a monster. You could’ve saved a lot of people, but you chose not to. I don’t judge you for that, I would’ve done the same, they didn’t deserve to be saved. You’re a Good girl.”
Helena got to her hands and knees, and crawled through the splinters and blood and flesh, flung herself forward and knocked Good down, straddling her and letting her hands enclose around her throat.
“How about you be a Good girl and die?” she grunted and squeezed harder, but Good only laughed, blood and teeth spluttering from her mouth as she did. At first, Hunnigan thought she’d managed to inhale her saliva while asleep and that it was the cause of the sudden need to cough; either that or then she’d slept with her mouth open and her throat had dried up. Then the feeling of pressure on her neck and the throbbing dull ache creeping up to her head registered and she opened her eyes.
Helena was straddling her abdomen, her hands tightening around Hunnigan’s throat as she leaned down, breathing heavily through her teeth as she choked Hunnigan. She didn’t waste time trying to reason with Helena, it was apparent from the glassy stare Helena had that the Xanax had worn off and she was gone again, and Hunnigan didn’t have the luxury of time at her disposal; the blood and oxygen flow to her brain was being efficiently cut off, she wouldn’t last much beyond ten seconds unless she managed to escape the grip.
“How about you be a good girl and die,” Helena grunted, and Hunnigan didn’t know what she was referring to, nor did she care right now, she just needed to break free from the choke. Sorry about this, she thought as she pushed her thumb into Helena’s injured knuckle hard, hooking her fingers around the underside of Helena’s wrist and yanked on it forcefully. Helena yelped in pain and let go, her fingernails leaving behind a scratch on Hunnigan’s skin. When Helena focused her attention on her injured hand, Hunnigan got to her feet and began taking steps backward to put more distance between herself and Helena, coughing dryly as she retreated, the itch that felt like a ragged edge in her throat persisting despite her efforts to dispel it.“Helena...” she managed, breathing heavily, “don’t do this. I know that... whatever it is you’re going through right now feels very real for you but it isn’t, I promise, you’re safe with me.”Helena stood still and silent for a long moment before slowly raising her hands over her face when she began to put the pieces together and realize what had happened. Her breathing became rapid and shuddered, tears falling in a generous stream, and Hunnigan could hear the sound of them hitting the floor. Helena tried to speak but couldn’t get the words out, her breaths which had turned into short and uncontrollable gasps making it impossible. Hunnigan went to her and slowly wrapped her arms around Helena, and she eased into the embrace.“It’s okay, just breathe... breathe, get your feet back on the ground, easy... easy, just breathe...” Hunnigan kept repeating as she gently stroked Helena’s back, realizing the younger woman had to be cold; she was still naked from having been in the shower earlier.
“Come on, let’s get you back to bed and warm, okay?” Hunnigan said and Helena nodded, her face still buried in the spot between Hunnigan’s neck and shoulder, her tears soaking the fabric of her T-shirt.
Hunnigan tucked her in and went to sit half-upright on her side of the bed, leaning her back against the headboard. She stayed there, gently running her fingers through Helena’s hair until she calmed down. Once she’d fallen back to sleep, Hunnigan quietly got out of bed. She went to the bathroom and shut the door, leaning into the sink as she waited for the shivering and the urge to cry subside. It’s just adrenaline, come on, out with it, she mentally told herself, adamantly trying to ignore the fact that she could’ve gotten killed just now. Helena wouldn’t have meant to do it, but all that did was make it worse because it just meant she was not in control of herself.“Parfois on regarde les choses telles qu'elles sont en se demandant pourquoi. Parfois, on les regarde telles qu'elles pourraient être en se disant pourquoi pas,” Hunnigan’s voice sang softly, coming from a direction Helena couldn’t quite figure out; it was distant but somehow underneath her.
Where am I? Helena wondered groggily as she slowly opened her eyes and realized she was staring at an unfamiliar ceiling once again. A dull ache in her hand registered and she pulled it out from under the covers (only then realizing she was naked) to look at it. It was swollen and bruised as was to be expected, and making a fist wasn’t something she was capable of doing, not without hurting herself...but she didn’t think anything was actually broken, she didn’t see any deformation.
She looked around and saw some clothes arranged into a neat pile on a chair near the bed. Her own clothes had been taken into evidence by the police and she’d been stuck wearing an awkward paper suit for a while before Isabela had brought over a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. Helena had no idea where those were now, the clothes on the chair were different.
There wasn’t any underwear but Helena didn’t care, it made sense; judging from the length of the jeans, she deduced these had to be Hunnigan’s clothes, she surely didn’t expect her to loan her underwear too. Helena pulled the jeans on, the overlong pant leg bunching up at her ankle and slipping under her heel.She then pulled on the black T-shirt provided and followed it up with the red and black plaid flannel shirt. She buttoned it up, noticing it was a bit tight over her chest, and that the sleeves unsurprisingly were a bit too long. She rolled them up and then headed over to the railing preventing one from falling to the level below the mezzanine. She leaned into it and looked over to the kitchen where Hunnigan was busy making breakfast, singing along to a song playing in her earbuds. Helena smiled a little and made her way downstairs.“Il y a lalala, si l'on prenait—” Hunnigan interrupted herself when she noticed Helena. “Oh, you’re up!” she said, pulled the earbuds out and thumbed her phone to stop the song.
“Yeah, I’m, uh...” Helena began, her eyes catching the bruising around Hunnigan’s neck despite her attempts at hiding it underneath layers of concealer and foundation.
Well, don’t that look bad despite her efforts, imagine how bad it must be without the make-up. Gotta say, though, it’s nice of her to try and hide it to spare your feelings, wouldn’t want to let you see your handiwork, there’s no telling how your fragile, pathetic little mind would take it, Frances’s voice snickered in Helena’s head..
“...I did that,” Helena muttered, tears beginning to sting in her eyes as they threatened to erupt from her again. She felt like all she’d done recently was cry.
“Not on purpose,” Hunnigan hurried to say, her hand reaching to gently cup Helena’s face to assure her it was all right, but Helena pulled away from her.
“Would you stop being so...understanding! I don’t deserve it. How can you even stand to be around me?” she scoffed in disbelief. “...or dare to for that matter,” she added in a soft mumble. Hunnigan sighed deeply and pursed her lips as she took a moment to think.“When I was fourteen, me and Nolan and our band played a gig at a community center, you know, for fun, for kids to have some place to go and have a good time. And we did have a good time until a bunch of drunk twenty-somethings forced their way in and started making all kinds of trouble. They dragged me down from the stage, and I was about to get wolf-packed, but thankfully, my dad managed to intervene.”“I’m... sorry you went through that but I don’t see what that has to do with this.”“My options then were the same as they are now. Either let what happened rattle me to the point of never being able to get on the stage again, or get back to it. I got back on stage, and I’ve had many awesome experiences since then. Likewise, I’m not going to let this ruin our friendship, especially not because I know it wasn’t something you did on purpose, you weren’t trying to hurt me. I’m not afraid of you.”“Yeah, well, maybe you should be!” Helena argued. “God, you should’ve let me take the fall for treason and let me get executed. Or you should’ve let me kill myself, anything would be better than this!”“Stop it!” Hunnigan yelled suddenly, startling Helena into silence. “First of all, how dare you! How dare you stand there so willing to give up after everything I’ve done to help you!”“I never asked you to do a God damn thing for me!” Helena yelled over Hunnigan’s words.
“When we get back to D.C., I want you to make an appointment with Eliza Wilkes,” Hunnigan raised her voice once more to be audible over Helena’s angry rant.“I’ve been to all my mandatory psych evals and I’ve passed them, I don’t need to see a shrink,” Helena shook her head.“Are you fucking kidding me?” Hunnigan scoffed in disbelief, and Helena’s eyebrow quirked at the expletive; she wasn’t used to hearing Hunnigan swear.“Look, you know she’d just prescribe me pills, and I don’t want to have to take a drug for the rest of my life just to feel normal!”“And I don’t want to have to wear glasses to see, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need them!” Hunnigan tried to reason.“I’m fine!”“You put your fist through the door yesterday, and it's not a freaking cardboard door! You nearly killed yourself before Christmas, and you almost killed someone at the diner, you don’t remember if you killed your old drill sergeant, fuck, Helena, you almost strangled me last night! These are not the kinds of things a person with a healthy brain does! You need help!”“I wanted to die! I was supposed to be executed, but you had to fuck it up for me! None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t interfered! I deserved to die!” Helena screamed, her voice breaking as she couldn’t stop herself from crying, her tears the result of frustration now more than sadness.
Hunnigan didn’t speak, just breathed heavily through her nose; Helena could tell she was struggling to keep herself from saying something she’d undoubtedly regret, her fists clenched, the muscles on her jaw tight. Helena flinched when Hunnigan suddenly moved, but instead of bitch slapping her like she felt she would’ve deserved, Hunnigan put her arms around Helena and hugged her.
“I don’t want to hear you say things like that about yourself. You don’t deserve to die. I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, and I know it’s difficult, but it’ll get better, I promise,” Hunnigan muttered against the top of Helena’s head.
“How are you so patient? Why are you so good to me?” Helena sobbed against Hunnigan’s shoulder.“Because I love you.”“What?” Helena pulled back and stared up at Hunnigan. I’m sure I didn’t hear that right.“I said because I care about you,” Hunnigan repeated, a small frown of concern forming on her forehead as she regarded Helena.“Right,” Helena sighed and slowly let go of Hunnigan. “I’m just—”
“Hold that thought,” Hunnigan interrupted when her phone rang and she answered the call. Helena exhaled, relieved. She hadn’t really planned on keeping the conversation going, there was nothing she could think of to say, nothing new anyway, and she had no interest in going around in circles and arguing over being sent to seeing the agency psychiatrist. She had no valid arguments, Hunnigan was right, she did need help. She just genuinely did not want anyone to know just how bad it was.
“Yes, sir, I understand,” Hunnigan said, listened to a while longer to the person on the phone and then finally ended the call. She plated the pancakes and turned the stove off.
“Eat,” she encouraged Helena who wanted to ask about the call but knew it wasn’t her place, she had no right to know who called.
“...thank you,” she mumbled instead and took a seat at the bar, reached for the syrup and poured it over the stack.
“Listen, I have to go back to D.C. for a while to sort some things out. I really don’t want to leave you alone right now, but I’m afraid I don’t have a choice,” Hunnigan said apologetically, poured herself a cup of coffee and drank from it. Apparently she wouldn’t be sitting down to share breakfast with Helena.
“Don’t worry about me,” she mumbled with her mouth full of food, growing more hungry with each bite, only now stopping to realize she didn’t remember when was the last time she’d eaten anything.
“Easier said than done,” Hunnigan smirked and Helena rolled her eyes.
“Uh, while you’re there, could you bring me some of my stuff? The cops took everything I had on me, and while I appreciate you lending me your clothes, I’d rather wear my own,” she then said.
“Of course,” Hunnigan nodded.
“My keys are in the bag, I think,” Helena said, gesturing toward the plastic bag on the table, what little belongings she’d been allowed to take back inside it: her wallet, keys, a lighter, and a slightly crumpled pack of cigarettes.
“Gotcha,” Hunnigan said, quickly finished her coffee and put the mug in the sink, moving to dig the keys from the bag with one hand and looking something up on her phone with the other.
“If I hurry, I should be able to catch the 8 a.m. train to D.C.,” she muttered to herself as she typed on her phone, buying a ticket, Helena assumed. She finished her breakfast as Hunnigan got ready to leave.“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Hunnigan then asked as she was heading out.
“I’ll be fine, at most I’ll probably get bored because I don’t know what to do around here, seeing as I don’t know where ‘here’ is exactly.”“West village. I’m sure you’ll find something to keep you busy.
Go see some sights, the Friends apartment is nearby, or go see Carrie Bradshaw’s place,” Hunnigan suggested with a smile as she put her coat on.“I don’t know who that is,” Helena admitted sheepishly.“Well, there’s something for you to do; go find out,” Hunnigan chuckled, said goodbye and exited the apartment.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena was relatively certain she was the only person in the world who could get bored in the city that never slept and was home to countless things to see and do. Granted, her desire to leave Nolan’s loft was next to nonexistent thanks to the very persistent gaggle of reporters who were waiting outside just to get a comment or at the very least a glimpse of the by now notorious “rogue DSO agent”. Going to buy a pack of cigarettes and noodles from the bodega had turned into a rather harrowing experience once she’d been recognized by the reporters, and so rather than deal with all that, she’d stayed in.To pass the time, she’d looked over Nolan’s bookshelf and discovered that he was apparently the family historian. Deborah had been the one in her family, collecting old photos, old stories. When their grandmother had been happily drunk, she’d gladly talked about things, named people in the photos Deborah had kept looking over, shown old letters. None of that all had interested Helena as much, what joy was there to be found in the fact that evidently she descended from a bunch of angry alcoholics?
“Huh. Well, who woulda thunk,” Helena said to herself when she discovered Hunnigan’s family had made their fortune producing a strong spicy rum, a brand Helena was more than familiar with but hadn’t ever realized was connected to Hunnigan’s family. It had been Helena’s go-to drink ever since Jane had introduced it to her back when she’d opened her bar in D.C. and insisted she try it, the logo on the label of the bottle the same Helena now realized she’d seen on the large gold earrings Hunnigan’s mother wore.
Helena put the book away and moved to look over the DVD collection. She hadn’t felt like a snoop until she spotted discs clearly labeled as digitized home movies; when she made the decision to look at them her prying became undeniable.
Do you realize how weird you’re being? Your obsession with Hunnigan is sick, Frances’s voice spat in the back of Helena’s mind, and she didn’t bother arguing with it. It was weird, maybe indeed sick even, but then again, what was the harm? The only person she was actively hurting was herself when she dove into the history of the woman she was infatuated with and could never let her know as much.
“Would you put that away?” Isabela rolled her eyes at (presumably) Garrett who was holding the camera, the text superimposed on the lower corner of the grainy footage stating it was recorded November 11th 1984 to celebrate Isabela’s 20th birthday. He stated he’d spent a fortune on his new toy and proceeded to list all the fancy (well, fancy by the eighties standards anyway) features and finished by telling her he intended to use the camera too.“Twentieth?” Helena said out loud as she did the math and came to the conclusion that Isabela had been only 15 when she’d had the twins. If she remembered correctly what Hunnigan had told her about her parents moving to the US before having the kids, she couldn’t help but wonder how they’d managed that if they’d been just teenagers. Not that it was unheard of but considering everything she couldn’t easily imagine the couple making it on their own. So, maybe someone in the family gave them the money,
who knows, maybe they were sent to the US to hide Isabela getting knocked up, what better way to avoid a scandal, Helena mused, chuckling a little as she conjured up dramatic plot twists that were probably way off.She considered Googling Isabela to see if anything regarding a family scandal would come up, but remembered then that she had no phone and therefore no means to Google anything.
Sighing, Helena turned her full attention back to the video playing on the screen. The video cut abruptly and awkwardly transitioned to display Garrett’s foot as he’d evidently pointed the camera down while turning it on and hitting “rec” before aiming it at his children sitting on the couch, fighting over something which had apparently amused Garrett enough to break out the video camera.
“Mom, she’s looking at me!” “My eyes are closed, how could I be looking at you?” Ingrid taunted in a singsong voice, leaning closer to Nolan to make sure she was in his face, and Garrett snorted loudly, trying not to laugh. “Stop touching me!” “I’m not!” “You’re in my space and breathing my air! This is my air!” Nolan yelled, red-faced and teary, and shoved at his sister who fell back on the couch, laughing loudly as Garrett turned the camera toward Isabela who stood at the entrance to the kitchen with her arms folded and legs crossed at the ankles. “Someday I’m going to snap. But not today,” she smirked and went to pick up her daughter and carried her to the other side of the room, Ingrid poking her tongue out at her brother as she was being separated from him.
There was another cut in the video, the quality of the footage improving a little, the time stamp letting Helena know they’d timewarped to 1996, and this time it was Nolan holding the camera, aiming it at people and introducing the members of the band, the crew, and their tour manager. “Have you ever done this? You put your mouth over someone’s nose and blow real hard and the air comes out of their mouth,” the sixteen year old and still very babyfaced-version of Ingrid said as she stood by the drummer of the band, a petite brunette Nolan had introduced as Melissa, or Mel.
“Ew,” Helena cringed when Ingrid leaned over Mel and demonstrated, clamping her mouth over the brunette’s nose and exhaled forcefully, both of them bursting into laughter a moment later, Mel exclaiming Ingrid’s breath was horrible.
“I know, I just had coffee,” she laughed.
“The stench is in my sinuses now!” Mel complained loudly as she rubbed her nose. “We’ve got an 18-piece orchestra performing with us, so just make sure we have all the equipment we need because I don’t want to have to try and rent something five minutes before the show starts,” the sound designer’s voice spoke in the background and the video cut again to show a clip of the band performing on stage.
Helena couldn’t help but smile seeing that, seeing Hunnigan in such a different environment. She certainly didn’t come across as someone who would enjoy performing and be so energetic about it when comparing the younger her to the serious professional Helena had known Hunnigan as for the time they’d known each other. Then again, it made sense, Hunnigan was a detached professional at work, tough and serious. So was Leon, so was Hawke, and undoubtedly every other agent too, Helena herself included.But when it was time to punch out, the masks of stoic government agents came off and their own personalities emerged, their fun-loving sides began to show. It was the same with Hunnigan, and Helena hadn’t realized this until they’d ended up at the cabin together. There was so much more to Hunnigan than what she’d seen at work. Helena felt rather stupid at having assumed there wouldn’t be.
art commissioned from Erika-Xero.
“Oh, Lee’s drunk. Daddy Del Rey is gonna be pissed off,” Brian the bass player whispered while pointing the camera at Ingrid who was staggering toward the bus. She was being supported by Mel, their height difference emphasized by the fact that Ingrid was practically using Mel as a crutch despite being hunched over. They tumbled over and Mel tried picking Ingrid up, unsuccessfully. Brian went to wake Garrett and he took a few seconds to catch up on what was happening before getting out of bed and stepping out of the bus in his underwear and barefoot, Brian following him. “I swear to God, Melissa, if I ever catch you getting her drunk or high again, I will arrest you, I don’t care if she’ll hate me for it, ” he growled at the brunette as he knelt down to pick up his daughter, lifting her effortlessly over his shoulder and carrying her back to the bus.The video transitioned again, from a brief clip of the band members chattering backstage after the gig to show Ingrid sitting on a bench inside the tour bus. Mel sat next to her, leaning her head on Ingrid’s chest as she stroked Mel’s hair, her free hand holding a book while Mel turned the pages.“God, I wish that were me,” Helena mumbled, envying Mel as she watched Ingrid’s hand in the older girl’s hair, the movement of it slow and smooth, almost hypnotic to watch.
“Lee, tell me one of your dumb jokes,” Nolan’s voice came from behind the camera, interrupting the sweet moment. Ingrid took a second to think about it, her fingers still brushing through Mel’s hair. “Why did Captain Janeway flush the toilet?” “Why?” “Because she took a shit.” It truly was a dumb joke but it made everyone laugh, Helena included. “Cease and decist the lesbian activity unless you plan to include me!” Brian then proclaimed, jumping into the frame, and Mel kicked him in the thigh hard. “That’s not lesbian activity, this is lesbian activity,” she laughed and reached to gently grip Ingrid’s chin to urge her to turn her head, and she did, leaning over and closing her eyes when Mel planted a slow, deep kiss onto her lips.“...now I really wish that were me,” Helena said, her heart doing a little cartwheel when she realized that based on this, Hunnigan did swing that way too, which meant maybe...
Except in her case it probably really was just a phase, don’t assume stupid things, idiot, Deborah’s voice scolded Helena the moment she dared to give herself a moment of hope.“I don’t need the truth, I just need a story that’s plausible enough to give the jury reasonable doubt, and fortunately, the media circus around Good’s prior bad acts is working in my favor, the tabloids have paraded out a slew of Good’s victims who have expressed their support for the rogue DSO agent who put down a sadistic monster who abused her rank to humiliate recruits,” Isabela’s voice came from the door as she let herself in the apartment, the agitated NYPD sergeant she was married to following her inside, both of them ignoring Helena who quickly scampered to sit up and turn the video off.
She then hurried to pull on the pair of boxer briefs she’d found in the closet, presumably Nolan’s. It wasn’t ideal but they were more comfortable to wear than Hunnigan’s ill-fitting jeans. That said, Helena had chosen not to wear either when she’d been alone, unaware of Isabela being able to come in unannounced if she wanted to, resulting in her and her husband almost walking in on Helena Donald Ducking it at the apartment.“She brutally beat a woman to death and you want to give her a pass? In case you forgot, counselor, executing people without due process is still a class-A felony no matter what the victim allegedly did.”“After the press Good’s gotten, I wish you luck trying to find a jury pool that doesn’t think she deserved it.”“How did they find out about anything regarding her trial anyway? The records were sealed and no one was talking about it when Rutherford was looking for complaining witnesses,” Garrett narrowed his eyes at her.
“You’re asking me?” Isabela raised her eyebrows innocently and Helena frowned. Surely Isabela wouldn’t have leaked anything Helena had told her, she seemed to be a lot of things but not someone who would break confidence.
“Do you see anyone else here?” he snapped and Helena raised her hand a little.“I-I’m here,” she said quietly but the couple continued to ignore the subject of their argument.
“Your animosity is showing, sergeant .”“As is your lack of judgment, your client is a murderer.”“So you keep saying yet you have absolutely nothing to back it up with. I’ve never known you to be a shitty cop. Is Rutherford pressuring you, is that it? You’ve just decided to pin this on my client rather than bother looking for other suspects?” Isabela asked and Garrett’s nose twitched in annoyance. He had no argument he could make.“You’re a backstabbing snake, you know that?” he said instead of a reasonable argument and she laughed.“You mispronounced ‘one of the most highly regarded criminal defense attorneys in the United States’. You really should consider looking into the people Rutherford subpoenaed to testify against Good and start from there, I think you’ll find many who had motive and knew where to find Good that day. Wouldn’t want Rutherford’s office wasting millions of dollars on a case he can’t win just because you guys didn’t bother looking for the actual murderer,” Isabela condescended, patting Garrett’s bearded cheek with her palm.His arm shot up like an attacking predator and he grabbed her wrist so hard Helena could swear she heard bones cracking. For a moment she thought he would break her arm and then her neck, and Helena was about to go over and interfere when all of a sudden she put her hand on the back of his neck, pulled on him and kissed him so hard it looked like she was going to yank his head off, her hand balling into a fist in his black hair, his arm instinctively wrapping around her midsection and pulling their bodies tightly together.
“Have a good day at work. I love you,” he grumbled after she broke the kiss.“I love you too. Don’t get killed,” she smiled at him before letting him go and he exited.“...what... is happening?” Helena asked slowly.“What?” Isabela shrugged, produced a compact from her purse, peered into the tiny mirror and proceeded to run a finger along the edges of her lips to clean up any possible smears of her lipstick. “Just because we’re mad at each other doesn’t mean we stop loving each other,” she then said and snapped the compact shut.
“That’s a... mature approach most people lack,” Helena smiled a little awkwardly.
“Yeah, well, we’ve learned the ‘don’t go to bed angry’-way of thinking the hard way,” Isabela said, and Helena didn’t ask for details when she volunteered none. It wasn’t difficult to imagine how easily a police officer could end up risking his life during his day at work.
“Now, go get dressed, I want you to look this case over with me,” Isabela said and Helena nodded.After putting the jeans on Helena returned downstairs where Isabela waited for the coffee to brew as she pulled out several folders and a tablet from her briefcase.
“I know you said you don’t get queasy but if it gets to be too much to look at these, just let me know,” she said, tapping the light brown surface of the folder containing the autopsy report.
“You don’t have to coddle me just because... of that embarrassing incident in the shower,” Helena muttered awkwardly.
“Listen, I know a thing or two about PTSD and flashbacks, and I’m not some idiot who thinks it’s like in the movies; I know it’s not something you can just shrug off, and you don’t need to pretend otherwise.”“I’m fine. Honest,” Helena muttered. Isabela exhaled deeply through her nose, apparently deciding not to argue over it, and Helena was glad; the last thing she needed was to hear from yet another person how she needed to start taking pills to be normal. Maybe she didn’t want to be normal.
Yeah, because you’re so fucking happy with the nightmares and the ghosts in your head, it would get lonely if they went away, wouldn’t it? Deborah asked argumentatively and Helena pinched her mouth shut tightly as she fought back the sudden urge to cry, hoping Isabela didn’t notice, deep down knowing that it was a dumb wish, it was easy to tell when someone was about to cry. Especially if you were used to paying attention to the little things like Helena suspected Isabela was.
“Have you ever considered getting a service dog?” Isabela asked and Helena’s eyebrows rose. She shook her head.
She had never thought of herself as a pet-person, and considering her work required a lot of travelling, it wasn’t like she could just take a pet with her, nor did she know anyone who would pet-sit for her. Not until she’d befriended Hunnigan recently anyway, and frankly, she assumed Hunnigan had enough on her plate with her work and caring for her son.“You should look into it,” Isabela said, dug out a card from her purse and handed it to Helena.
K9s For Warriors rescues and trains shelter dogs to be paired as service dogs for warriors with service-connected post-traumatic stress, traumatic brain injury and/or military sexual trauma, the card read, followed by a phone number and a website address.
“Of course, to qualify you would need a verified clinical diagnosis and to get that you would need to see a doctor and be honest about what’s going on, but that shouldn’t be a problem for you, right?” Isabela asked in fake-innocence.
“So that’s the catch,” Helena rolled her eyes, but held onto the card. Maybe she’d look into it some time. Isabela didn’t comment, seeing Helena pocket the card rather than just throw it away must’ve been enough of an answer to keep her from pushing the issue.
“How exactly did the press get wind of Good’s ‘prior bad acts’ as you put it?” Helena then inquired, got up and poured herself and Isabela coffee.
“I’m offended by your implication that I had something to do with it, because I did not,” Isabela assured, and Helena believed her, but the question still remained.
“Maybe the killer did it,” Isabela suggested.“Why would they do that?”“Because they feel bad about you getting charged with their crime,” Isabela said and Helena frowned. That didn’t sound like the behavior of your typical murderer. Not that Helena expected Good’s murder to be a coincidence of her falling victim to a random murderer on the loose in town; whoever had done it had known Good and what she’d done, and when Isabela began reading the autopsy report out loud, Helena became certain of that.
“Cause of death: asphyxia due to the flooding of the airways... or in other words drowning. Now that’s exotic.”“Drowning?” Helena almost spat out the coffee in her mouth, seriously beginning to question the medical examiner’s qualifications.
“In layman’s terms, she drowned in her own blood after all the injuries caused to her torso,” Isabela muttered and turned the page. “Uterus and colon were punctured by a foreign object ante-mortem, that’s telling. Someone really hated her.”“I don’t blame them,” Helena muttered but hated herself for the fact that despite everything, deep within her heart there was a tiny fleck that felt sorry for Good. Helena extinguished it quickly. Good didn’t deserve her sympathy for any reason, what she’d deserved, she’d gotten. Helena had been through simulated drowning during training and knew enough to know Good’s death must’ve been horrifyingly slow and painful.
Served her right, she thought angrily.
“What I can’t figure out is what caused all the damage, this was no ordinary beating. Apparently, the medical examiner couldn’t figure it out either,” Isabela mumbled as she read the report. “Make yourself useful, agent, if the information my husband dug up about you is correct, you would’ve made a decent detective if it weren’t for your temper,” she then said and entered her PIN to unlock the tablet before putting it in front of Helena. He looked me up? What am I saying, of course he did, it’s the first thing anyone should do, Helena mused, not at all certain she even wanted to know what her file might look like to someone who already didn’t think highly of her. Helena cleared her throat but didn’t comment, deciding to focus on the report instead.
“This says they found traces of carbon fiber on her and... inside her. That’s a bit odd, it’s not exactly a household thing, isn’t it usually used to make bikes and car parts?” Isabela wondered as she turned the pages of the copy of the report she’d printed out for herself.“I think I’ve seen, like, protective clothing made of it, and... oh... well, now I know why the cops are so interested in my phone. The case is made of carbon fiber,” Helena realized.“Yes, but unless you beat, raped and sodomized Good with your phone, I don’t think that’s how the fibers got there,” Isabela said.“So, the murder weapon is possibly made of carbon fiber. That narrows it down,” Helena smirked sarcastically and tapped on the document containing the crime scene photos.“It might be nothing, might be an important detail, you never know.”Helena scrolled through the photos and paused at a close-up of the injuries on Good’s head, staring intently at the bruising on her forehead forming a distinct pattern.“What is that? It looks familiar, but I can’t figure out where I’ve seen it,” Helena frowned and zoomed in.“Maybe it’s a part of a logo or something similar one would see often?” Isabela suggested, leaning in to take a closer look as well.“Could be, but I don’t think it is. Oh, this is gonna bother me,” Helena sighed and continued to stare at the patterned bruise on Good’s forehead. Isabela sighed as well, only in annoyance at her phone ringing and interrupting her.
Come on, Helena, think about it. What else do they make out of carbon fiber, and what does that pattern have to do with it? You know what the connection is, just think about it, you fucking idiot! she berated herself as she kept looking.
“Helena...” Isabela said quietly and reached to softly touch her shoulder to get her attention, and Helena turned to look at her, her frown deepening as Isabela handed her the phone, the screen informing her the caller was her husband. Helena wasn’t sure she wanted to know why he would want to speak to her.
“...hello?” she said into the phone, expecting to be greeted by Garrett, but the voice that spoke was distinctly female, and when she heard it, Helena remembered where she’d seen the pattern before.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Oh, Harper’s gone nuclear? Like, foaming-at-the-mouth maniac? Is that surprising news to anyone?” agent Skylark laughed, holding up a tablet which displayed an online version of a New York tabloid, the headline that read “DSO’s problem child indicted” plastered over a somewhat blurry photo taken before Hunnigan had managed to shield Helena with her coat.
“And why am I not surprised to see Hunnigan protecting Harper? I guess it makes sense, you hire someone for their ass, you gotta be prepared to cover it,” she went on, either unaware of the awkward throat clears the agents in the room did to let her know Hunnigan was right there, or then genuinely not caring that she heard it.“Actually, I hired her for her tits,” Hunnigan commented dryly and Skylark spun around in her chair to look at her, unapologetic and unimpressed as always.
“Well, either way it certainly explains why a twenty-something nobody got a position at the DSO right after being kicked out of all her previous posts due to anger management problems, which, apparently, are still a thing, but I doubt she’ll even get reprimanded, will she? I mean, she got away with treason already, what’s a little murder on top of that,” Skylark laughed, her mirth bitter and insincere.
“Agent Harper was at the top of her class and a prime candidate due to her skills and personality, and it’s not like the DSO can afford to be too picky about the agents’ histories when it comes to recruiting the best of the best. I look out for all the agents,” Hunnigan said, the smirk spreading on Skylark’s face letting her know she’d walked right into it, getting so defensive being a dead giveaway of her perceived sympathy toward Helena.
“Oh, yeah, sure, like the way you jumped to my defense when my ex-husband made those false accusations of child abuse during the custody battle, and everyone at the agency was so understanding about it,” Skylark drawled, and Hunnigan felt her nose twitch in annoyance, that particular chink in her stoic armor a trait she’d inherited from her father whose moods were difficult to read until that happened, typically when he realized he’d lost an argument, just like Hunnigan felt she’d lost this one right now because whether she liked it or not, Skylark was right.
Hunnigan hadn’t jumped to her defense, because frankly, she’d felt it hadn’t been her place to do so. Whatever mess had gone on between Skylark and her husband had been her personal matter, and Hunnigan doubted Skylark would’ve welcomed her help even if she’d offered. Besides, it wasn’t like the agency had threatened to fire her over the false accusations. They’d had to investigate to make sure they were indeed false, but beyond that, no one had even implied Skylark should resign. Hunnigan had suggested she take some time off to sort out her personal life when it had become evident it was interfering with her ability to perform as an agent, but she hadn’t forced her to do anything, and she reminded Skylark of that fact.
“You realize I’m not jumping to Harper’s defense as a representative of the agency, I’m doing it personally because I consider her my friend who needed my help. If you have a problem with how I handle my agents, then I suggest you take it up with the director,” Hunnigan said, managing to sound more confident than she felt, and Skylark smiled sweetly.“Oh, I have, and I think he shares my curiosity regarding where exactly your loyalties lie,” she said, and Hunnigan was on the verge of bitch slapping that smug grin off her face.
“Children, behave!” Shepard’s voice called out, interrupting the argument. “Hunnigan, my office.”“I’ve been made aware of the recent charges against one of our agents, and some at the agency have voiced their concerns regarding having to work with someone who has been proven as volatile as Harper is,” Shepard got to the point immediately after Hunnigan had closed the door behind her.
“Frankly, the charges are bullshit, and—” Hunnigan began and Shepard scoffed loudly, talking over her.“Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t, funnily enough that doesn’t even matter at this point. What matters is that she’s been labeled a rogue DSO agent in public, this a PR disaster, especially for an agency that’s supposed to be known for being honorable and uncorrupt!”“Well, I agree, but I don’t see how that is our problem, we have a PR department for a reason, don’t we?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow, not hiding her agitation any more than he did.
“We do, and they’re dealing with it, but what I want to know is how did we get here in the first place, and based on what I’ve seen, you’re the common denominator here!” he raised his voice as he leaned over his desk and pointed his finger at her to emphasize his words. Hunnigan glanced at his finger wondering what he’d do if she’d grab it and twist until it broke.
“Me?” she asked instead of finding out.“Don’t be cute, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Leon calls you to tell you he’s just shot the president, and what do you do? You cut him loose based on a lie Harper told you.”“If I hadn’t cut them loose, we probably never would’ve found out that Simmons was behind it!”“Yes, you were right. That time. What if you hadn’t been?”“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hunnigan narrowed her eyes.“That in the eyes of the other agents, you have allowed a rogue agent you’ve recruited run the show, and by doing so you’ve undermined my authority.”“So, that’s the problem? I’ve made you look bad?”“Oh, there’s that famous Ingrid Hunnigan brand arrogance. It goes well beyond simply making me look bad!” he slammed his palm against his desk. “I am the director! If someone gets hurt, that’s ultimately on me! If a rogue agent kills someone, that’s on me!”
“If you were me in the same situation, you would’ve done the same thing I did, you would’ve trusted your gut, and I’m sorry if expecting you to trust my judgment is too much to ask and comes across as arrogance!”“I’ve tolerated the liberties you’ve taken because I’ve trusted you and your gut, and you’ve been right in the past, but that won’t always be the case, and the fact that your protégé has just been indicted with murder kind of makes my point, wouldn’t you agree!”“No, I wouldn’t because she didn’t do anything.”“As far as you know. Unless you were there with her, you can’t know for certain, and you aren’t infallible. The sooner you stop acting with the confidence of someone who is, the better!” Shepard spat, exhaled in exasperation and ran a hand over his face. “What’s your relationship with Harper?” he then asked after taking a few seconds to calm down.“The same as my relationship with any of my agents is, so don’t even go there; if you want to smoke me out of the DSO you’re gonna have to do better than a sexual misconduct lodge.”“For Christ’s sakes, Hunnigan, no one’s trying to smoke you out,” he rolled his eyes. “But like I said, concerns regarding your behavior have been voiced and frankly, your integrity is in question.”“Cut the crap and just tell me what the accusation is. Better yet, let me face my accusers.”“At the moment I’m accusing you of being too emotionally attached to Harper and that makes me question your ability to work with her. You’ve covered for her to the point of putting other agents at risk.”“How!” Hunnigan scoffed in disbelief.“By omitting her obvious mental health issues from your reports to HR! She’s been barely passing her psych evals, in the latest one Wilkes stated that unless Harper agrees to start seeing her weekly, she should be suspended, but amazingly that report failed to leave your desk!”“I needed her on the field!” Hunnigan argued but in her heart she knew it wasn’t the full truth. As short staffed as they were after the attack in Tall Oaks, she could’ve and should’ve let Helena take a few mental health weeks, but she hadn’t because she hadn’t wanted that on Helena’s record; Helena had been under so much scrutiny over everything already, her career wouldn’t have survived that remark in her file.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Hunnigan recalled her father’s words from years ago when she’d been a selfish brat and put her own comfort ahead of doing the right thing in the name of making someone happy. It hadn’t been until Nolan’s cocaine overdose that she’d decided she’d rather he was angry at her than dead, the latter being where he’d end up if she kept enabling his addiction just because the thought of him temporarily hating her for intervening made her sad. She’d realized too late she hadn’t done him any favors, and she was now realizing she hadn’t done any to Helena either.“What do you think happens if she has a dissociative episode on the field, huh? How do you think that would turn out for everyone involved!”“I felt it was worth the risk because I didn’t have any reason to think otherwise!” Hunnigan flat out lied.
“And who the hell are you to decide that against Doctor Wilkes’s assessment!” Shepard yelled.“Harper’s handler!” Hunnigan yelled back, fully aware of just how weak her argument was, if it should even count as one.“Not anymore!”“Excuse me?”“No one is unexpendable, no one is infallible, not even you. You’d do well to remember that, agent Hunnigan. You may be the one who runs field operations support, but I am your superior officer, and you report to me. Understood?” Shepard said after a long moment of tense silence.“Understood,” Hunnigan said tersely.
She was upset and wanted to keep arguing but she couldn’t because she knew she had no argument. Talking back now would be nothing more than juvenile whining, and she was above that.
Shepard had been more than reasonable with her and her indiscretions, he was good at his job and knew when to look the other way if doing so served the greater good. Doing so now wouldn’t serve anything other than Hunnigan’s ego and she agreed he had every right to question her now. Understanding he had a valid reason and agreeing with him didn’t mean she liked it, though.“We have rules and codes of conduct in place for a reason, I expect you to understand that better than anyone. If you want to keep working here, you will obey orders, and as your commanding officer I am telling you that this is your final warning. I am placing you on probation, and I’m assigning Harper a new handler if the charges against her are dropped and if she passes her psych eval.”“Understood,” Hunnigan repeated.“Schedule yourself a psych eval as well, that’s an order, and then have Kennedy and Harper transferred into agent Harding’s care and take over her agents.”“Yes, sir,” Hunnigan muttered, thinking this was Shepard’s way of forcing Hunnigan and Skylark into the proverbial get along-shirt; agent Harding had been Skylark and Hawke’s designated FOS agent, and now Shepard was testing Hunnigan’s professionalism by forcing her to work with the woman he knew she did not get along with at all. Hunnigan had to commend him for his cleverness. What better way to clip Hunnigan’s wings and get her to behave than openly challenging her ability to handle herself professionally by pairing her with the one person she was most likely to clash with.“Dismissed.”Wordlessly, Hunnigan stood and exited his office, barely resisting the urge to slam the door. Such childish demonstrations of anger would’ve served no one, no matter how good it would’ve felt. As she passed the field agents’ bullpen, Skylark drew her attention.“Oh, Hunnigan, heheh,” she chuckled and then spoke in a condescending insincere sad voice, “this might not be the right time to ask, what with your career in the toilet and everything, but isn’t your parking space right by the entrance? I’m thinking about upgrading my space, I think my car would look great in your spot.”“Huh-larious," Hunnigan drawled sarcastically, "keep it up; if you remain as banal and boring as you are now you’re bound to put Amy Schumer out of business,” she then smiled sweetly and made her way over to the kitchenette, deciding to grab a mug of coffee before getting to work on transferring her agents to Harding.
“Darn it, Leon,” Hunnigan heard an annoyed sigh from the kitchenette. Speak of the devil. Agent Lace Harding stood in front of the cabinet with her hands on her hips, and Hunnigan saw the problem. Apparently Leon had been in charge of emptying the dishwasher today and he’d put Harding’s mug in the cabinet along with the others which wouldn’t have been a problem if it weren’t for the fact that Harding was barely five feet tall and thus the mug placed in the back of the third shelf in the cabinet was just out of her reach.“Here,” Hunnigan said and handed the mug to her.“Thanks. This is embarrassing, like, what am I, a five year old who has to carry a little step ladder with her?” Harding scoffed and Hunnigan smiled. She was a solid foot taller than Harding and had plenty to say about the perils of being on the other end of the problem.
“Never enough leg room, I keep hitting my head on things, don’t even get me started on fixed showerheads, cold hands and feet due to poor blood circulation...” Hunnigan trailed off as she poured herself coffee. “Do you want me to ‘gently’ remind Leon to keep your mug better available?”“No, he’s not doing it because he’s a jerk, he just doesn’t think because as smart as he is, he’s a dumbass,” Harding laughed softly and Hunnigan nodded in agreement.
“Speaking of our beloved dumbass, Shepard has ordered you and I to switch agents effective immediately, so you’d get Leon and Helena, and I get Hawke and Skylark,” Hunnigan informed her. Harding’s eyebrows rose, a surprised expression setting on her freckled face, then she rolled her green eyes.“Let me guess, Skylark had something to do with that.”“Well, she has apparently very actively campaigned for having me removed from my position, but I don’t think she guessed it would backfire on her this badly, I doubt she wanted to end up working with me.”“Yeah, I bet, she has been rather vocal about her opinions, especially after... well, the whole murder charge,” Harding said somewhat awkwardly.
“I’m sure. But, just so you know, this is happening, so if there’s anything I should know, any cases that I should be up to date on, let me know. I’ll look into what Leon and Helena have been working on and get you the details, and inform the agents in question about the new arrangement.”“Sounds good,” Harding nodded.
After picking up Seeley from Major and having a late dinner, Hunnigan sat on the couch and opened her laptop to get started on the transfer process while Seeley focused his attention on the TV, watching the escapades of the animated little ponies. He’d spent most of dinner excitedly telling Hunnigan about all the fun he’d had with his father and Josephine, and while Hunnigan was beyond happy to hear he’d been well taken care of and had a good time, she couldn’t help but feel
a bit jealous and somewhat annoyed even. Evidently there was more fun to be had at his father’s house than here, and while the rational side of her knew it was in no way Major or Josephine’s fault Hunnigan couldn’t think of fun things to do or have the time to do them as often as she knew she should’ve, she felt wronged somehow.
She should’ve been the one to take him to playgrounds or amusement parks and aquariums and museums, she should’ve been there more, spent time with him, played with him. Instead, when they did have time together, she sat him on the couch and worked while he watched cartoons.
Way to be a mom, Hunnigan sighed internally. Then again, that’s how my mother did it and we turned out fine... aside from Nolan’s drug addiction and me not getting along with her. What is wrong with me, what am I doing? she scolded herself silently for ignoring her son despite just thinking what a terrible job she was doing as a mother. She shut her laptop down and switched her phone off, deciding that everything else would just have to wait. She then scooted closer to Seeley, and he snuggled against her side as she put her arm around him.
“How you doin’, buddy?” she asked.“I’m good. Can I have chocolate milk?” he asked and she smiled.“Sure thing,” she nodded and went to make some. Once done, she closed the lid of the glass mug and put the straw in, and returned to the living room.
“It’s not full!” Seeley complained when Hunnigan gave him the mug that was indeed only half full, but he didn’t take into account that it was a large mug and had she filled it, he wouldn’t have had the strength to lift it nor the appetite to finish drinking it.
“I will make more if you finish this first, okay?”“Fine,” he grumbled a little, but snuggled back in her lap regardless of being somewhat displeased with her antics. Hunnigan nuzzled his hair and kissed the top of his head as she held him in her lap and pretended to care about Applejack’s argument with Fluttershy as much as Seeley did.
Hunnigan smiled when he reached up and sought out a lock of Hunnigan’s hair which rested over her shoulders, free from the bun she usually kept it in at work. He twirled some of her hair around his index finger and then proceeded to fiddle with it, Hunnigan knowing by now it would result in an impossible to solve-tangle, but loving the fact that he still did it; it was something he’d done since he was a baby, and Hunnigan dreaded the day he’d stop because that would mean he’d grown out of it.
She knew there was nothing she could do about it, it was an inevitability every parent faced, but knowing that didn’t stop her from childishly wishing he wouldn’t grow up, at least not so fast. She doubted she had many years left when he’d happily sit on her lap or cuddle with her in bed while listening to her telling him stories. He’d be a grown man soon enough, and all she could do was hope that she’d done a decent enough job as his mother to ensure he’d grow up to be a good man.
But for now, he’s still my baby boy, Hunnigan smiled and hugged him tightly to herself and peppered the side of his neck and his cheek with tiny kisses.“You’re crushing me,” he giggled.“I can’t help it, you’re so cute and I love you so much I just want to squeeze you and kiss your little face,” Hunnigan laughed.“I love you too,” Seeley chuckled, allowed himself to be snuggled and kissed and then finished his chocolate milk, belching loudly and asked for a refill, eliciting a hearty laugh from Hunnigan who didn’t even bother scolding him for his lack of manners.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
All units respond to a hostage situation at 672 West Rosewood Avenue.
“Well, that’s coming a bit late, isn’t it? You’re already here,” Jane said and removed the radio from detective De La Cruz’s utility belt and placed it on the bar. De La Cruz was the only one at the bar anymore, she’d agreed to exchange herself for the handful of people who had originally been held at the bar when the crazed redhead had demanded to speak with the lead detective in charge of handling Kassandra Good’s murder.“You could’ve just come over and talked to me, this was unnecessary, do you realize how stupid you’re being about this?” De La Cruz grunted and rolled her shoulders a little, sitting on a stool with her arms stretched behind her and her wrists handcuffed to the railing running below the bar was more uncomfortable than she would’ve imagined at first.“Well, that’s a nice way to talk to someone who is holding you hostage and pointing a gun at you,” Jane smiled sweetly and gently tapped De La Cruz’s forehead with the barrel to emphasize her point.
“What do you even want? What is the point?” the detective snapped and yanked her head away from the pistol.“I need to right a wrong. See, you’re right, this wouldn’t be necessary if it weren’t for the fact that this became a rather public affair,” Jane said, stood up straight and pocketed the pistol as she took a step away.“If it hadn’t, I would’ve done the sensible thing, I would’ve walked to the precinct and told you that you got the wrong woman, that I did it. But, my friend was publicly crucified for a murder I committed, yes, this is me confessing to it, listen carefully, so in order to set the record straight, I need to get everyone’s attention, now don’t I?” she spoke as she walked back and forth, limping a little because the prosthesis she was wearing wasn’t her usual one, it was a temporary one, slightly ill-fitting, one she had been meaning to wear only until she’d have her own repaired, but that had been postponed for obvious reasons.
“There’s your murder weapon,” she said and tossed a gym bag onto the floor with a loud crash and a metallic clink as the pieces of her prosthesis clattered against each other.“All right. You’ve made your point, and I’m not doubting you, okay? So, let’s just... get to the station and you can give your statement and that’ll be the end of this,” De La Cruz tried to reason with her, suspecting it would be pointless but having to try anyway; if the situation escalated, it would end in bloodshed and she’d rather not see it happen.
“I told you. This isn’t just about setting official records straight, this is about making sure the public knows the truth as well, I doubt you lot are likely to issue a formal apology for just assuming Harper did it and ruining her reputation, are you? No, didn’t think so. Oh, look, your friends are here. Their response time is a joke,” Jane scoffed as she heard the sirens and saw the flashes of red and blue light approaching. She grabbed the radio and held it in front of De La Cruz.“Could you please inform your buddies that I’d like them to bring Helena Harper here, and make sure there’s plenty of press to document everything too, I wouldn’t mind them bringing over a reporter,” Jane then said and pushed the button on the device, allowing De La Cruz to relay the message.“Is this really necessary?” Helena asked when the uniformed officer told her to wear a bulletproof vest before she’d be allowed to enter the building.
“Yes.”“She’s not gonna shoot me,” Helena said as she tightened the vest, and the officer didn’t comment.
No, Jane might not shoot her, but if things got ugly, who knew, maybe a trigger happy police officer would end up discharging their weapon, and the last thing the NYPD needed was an unholy amount of press witnessing them gun down an unarmed civilian. Or, that’s how they would portray Helena as, she was sure. Ironic, considering the past few weeks they’d happily labeled her the danger to society.
Shortly after putting the vest on, Helena made her way over to the bar with Garrett and a reporter carrying a camera on his shoulder. Once they were inside, Jane ordered Garrett to join De La Cruz at the bar and proceeded to handcuff him, then told the reporter to sit at a table in the middle of the bar and document everything while keeping his mouth shut. He had no objections.“Jane, what are you doing?” Helena asked her finally as she watched Jane work behind the bar as if it were the most natural thing to do right now, as if it was her place.
“What does it look like? I’m having a drink,” she answered as she poured herself a pint and then proceeded to mix Helena a rum and coke before walking out from behind the bar and taking a seat at the table nearest to the bar.“You know that’s not—” Helena began as she joined her at the table, ignoring the offered drink. Now was not the time.“I know, I know,” Jane interrupted impatiently, drank from the pint and exhaled deeply after swallowing. “I didn’t mean for this, I never meant for you to get in trouble, I didn’t even know you were here, that you’d been at Good’s place,” she then said.“I know you didn’t, I didn’t think that—” Helena began but Jane interrupted her again.“Truth is, I didn’t even mean to do it, you know. I didn’t go over with the intent to kill her, I just... I saw her, and I saw how people were treating the case. The way it was worded in the news. ‘Abused her position as a superior officer’, do you know what that sounds like?” she asked, but instead of waiting for Helena to answer, she turned to look at Garrett and De La Cruz, telling them to answer the question.“It sounds like she just made you clean toilets with toothbrushes,” Garrett spoke.“Yay, he gets it!” Jane applauded, her tone condescending and mocking. “Well, it went way beyond something as harmless as that!” she then snapped.“I read the autopsy report, I figured as much,” Garret muttered.
“And the most brilliant part is, our precious fucking army nurtured and covered for that amoral monster because she was one of their better tools. Thing is, Kassandra Good was smart, and she could be charming if she wanted to be, but even she couldn’t have fooled people for that long because she practically flaunted what she was doing,” Jane spat.
Helena inhaled deeply through her nose, anxiety beginning to claim a foothold as it kept circling her, looking for a way in, looking to make itself at home. Jane’s reminders of Good and the things she did was bringing back too many bad memories.
All she could do was confirm Jane’s words, because that was what Good had been like about it; she’d been shameless, she’d made it clear she was in charge and people would side with her, so it was pointless to report her actions. Helena still regretted believing Good’s words, believing it had been her own fault. And she hated the question still lingered within her mind: had she encouraged it, had she done something to deserve it, had it really been her fault? She didn’t think the doubt would ever fully go away no matter how much she thought about it rationally.“Letting everyone know she could get away with it was one of her favorite power trips. You can bet your ass the army knew the truth long before it became a big public mess,” Jane scoffed and took another long drink. “She wasn’t the first, she certainly won’t be the last.”“Maybe with this coming out in public, she could be the last,” De La Cruz suggested, and Jane laughed bitterly.“If you genuinely believe that you’re the most gullible idiot on the planet.”“Jane, just.. this is enough, just end this and let’s go home,” Helena said quietly.
“Yeah... that’s not how this is going to go down, you know better than that, Harper,” Jane said ruefully.
“But it doesn’t have to—” Helena tried but Jane wasn’t interested in hearing her out. Instead, she stood up and turned her attention to De La Cruz.“Let me tell you something, detective. You don’t come back from the things Sergeant Good did to you and retain your humanity or even the slightest remnants of your fucking dignity.”“Jane...” Helena tried to interrupt.“Shut up, corporal,” she spat waving her hand in Helena’s general direction, her attention still on De La Cruz. She leaned down to be able to stare right at her.“You know, they told us we’d be greeted as liberators,” Jane laughed mirthlessly. “And the stupid thing is, I believed it, I thought I was doing something good, something worthwhile, and that’s how it works isn’t it? For as long as you’re over there, you’re the hero, but the moment you come back, no one gives a fuck about you because you have already served your purpose,” she said, stood up straight and turned, beginning to pace back and forth again.“After you come back, people practically line up to thank you for your service, but that’s it. You go through all that fucking shit, you do things... for nothing!”“What did you do?” Garrett asked, having picked up on the slight hesitation, and Jane scoffed before theatrically clearing her throat and miming holding a piece of paper up in front of her face as if reading a statement from it.“The investigation concluded that certain personnel failed to comply with the rules of engagement and the law of armed conflict. However, the investigation did not conclude that these failures amounted to a war crime,” she began her dramatic quote. “The investigation identified seven U.S. service members whose conduct warranted consideration for appropriate administrative or disciplinary action. The actions included suspension and removal from command, letter of reprimand, formal counseling and extensive retraining.”“Fancy way of saying we admit our guys did bad things but we’re not gonna do anything about it,” De La Cruz commented. Jane nodded repeatedly, went back to the table and finished her pint before addressing Garrett again.“To answer your question, I did nothing. Turned my head to look away at most. But the thing is, I was happy to do that.”“Why?” he asked.“Because I hate them. I made a decision to be more than just a government stooge, I wanted to make a difference, what better way to do that than by stringing up every motherfucker threatening to turn the streets into war zones. You think it’s a neverending battle, but it doesn’t have to be, you just need to pick a fucking side and take action!”“Jane,” Helena said and she turned to her.“Oh, what?” she snapped. “What, what! Love thy enemy? What!” she yelled furiously and stepped to Helena, reaching to grip her shoulders.
“Did you love thy fucking enemy when you saw the medics shovel bits of Maxima into a body bag?” she demanded.“Stop!”
“Shut! Up!” Jane shouted straight to her face and Helena nodded, pinching her lips together, not just to keep from speaking but to keep them from quivering as she felt herself be on the brink of tears. The anxiety was getting worse, she was beginning to shiver and breathing was becoming difficult.
“So it’s Sergeant Good’s fault you like gunning down Afghan civilians?” Garrett drew her attention to himself, and Jane let go of Helena, turning to look at him instead.“No, because unlike most people I am capable of taking responsibility for my own depravity. And that’s why I’m here, I’m taking responsibility,” Jane said and dug into her pocket, pulling out a neatly folded piece of paper which she then shoved into the chest pocket of Garrett’s white shirt.
“My signed confession, and you already have the murder weapon,” Jane said and kicked at the gym bag on the floor for emphasis. “That all you need?”“It’s more than sufficient,” Garrett answered matter-of-factly.“Great,” Jane said, then went over to the reporter who visibly jumped a little when she turned her attention to him.
“And this is for you, a bit of a manifesto, I sure would appreciate it if you made sure people get to read it, it’s a scoop,” Jane said, gave him a paper too and then turned back to the others, put her hands on her hips and sighed deeply, as if happily inspecting her handiwork after finishing a big chore.“I think we’re done here.”Garrett and De La Cruz exchanged confused looks, and Helena frowned deeply. Something suddenly felt... off. She had no word to describe it, but it was an unpleasant cold feeling spreading in Helena’s gut, and she became aware of her heart beating rapidly, her mouth being dry, her fists in tight balls, the aching pain from the injured hand being clenched roping up her forearm.Rationally Helena knew it made sense she’d feel off, she was essentially in a hostage situation, but another part of her knew that wasn’t the problem. She hadn’t been worried coming in here, she hadn’t sensed danger, but she was sensing it now.
Is it real? Or am I imagining it because of everything, am I imagining it because I’ve been traumatized and what Jane said is triggering something? Helena questioned herself.“I’m sorry I got you in trouble, I didn’t mean to,” Jane then apologized to her, and despite all her efforts, Helena couldn’t get rid of the unsettled feeling gnawing at her. Something was very wrong and about to get worse, but what and how, she didn’t know.“It’s okay, I know you didn’t do it on purpose, I forgive you,” she said quietly.“Thank you, that’s all I needed to hear,” Jane smiled, raised the pistol to her temple and pulled the trigger.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I... I don’t know what I’m even supposed to say,” Helena muttered to Hunnigan. They sat on a bench located on the edge of a park, near a slightly secluded facility Helena was supposed to go to. Hunnigan reached to put her arm around Helena, and she eased into the gentle hold, leaning to rest her head on Hunnigan’s shoulder.After witnessing her friend’s suicide, Helena had spent the first hour uncontrollably sobbing until she’d once again found herself being medicated to help her calm down enough to sleep, her dreams haunted by memories of what she’d seen, gory images of gray and red tissue landing on the floor, on Helena, in the rum and coke Jane had mixed for her, white bone fragments floating in the dark drink.
The next couple of days she’d spent mostly sleeping, then spending what little time she was awake crying herself back to sleep. It wasn’t until yesterday that Hunnigan had finally gotten through to her and Helena had agreed to this.“Well...” Hunnigan began slowly, tucking her free hand into the pocket of her leather jacket to shield it from the chilly spring wind. The weather had been nice and sunny for the past couple of weeks but the wind was still eating away at the warmth.“Maybe start by stating your name and that you’ve made an appointment and that you’re scheduled to stay for three months,” she said.
Helena took a deep breath and stood up.“I should go.”“Do you want me to walk you in?” Hunnigan asked and stood as well.“No, I... I think this is something I need to do myself. You’ve already done so much for me, I can’t... ever repay you any of it, just... thank you.”“You’re my friend, I wouldn’t abandon you.”“I don’t think I deserve to have a friend as good as you, but I guess I’m doing something right to have you still in my life. Either that or you’re being punished for something,” Helena smirked.
“Well, either way, I don’t plan on going anywhere, so,” Hunnigan shrugged with a smile.
“And, thanks for taking care of everything, I...”“Don’t worry about anything, just focus on recovering, I promise I’ll sort out everything else in the meanwhile,” Hunnigan interrupted gently, not letting Helena stall any further.“All right. I’m off.”“All right,” Hunnigan nodded. “I’ll come visit you once you’ve settled in, if you like?”“I would love that, yes, please do,” Helena smiled. “I’ll see you later,” she then said, managing to sound surprisingly light-hearted despite not really feeling it as she turned to walk across the yard, heading over to the building and finally entered through the double doors underneath a large sign that identified the place as White Blossom psychiatric hospital.Paying three months’ rent in advance wasn’t something a government agent who earned roughly fifty-five thousand annually before taxes and deductions could do, which meant Helena had no other choice but to move out. Or, more accurately, she’d signed the required paperwork before checking in to White Blossom, but the actual packing and moving her things to storage was something she didn’t have the time for.Hunnigan hadn’t given her any more time, she’d known Helena had attempted to keep putting checking in off indefinitely because there was always one more thing that needed to be taken care of before she could, but Hunnigan had taken over and told her she’d handle it in Helena’s absence. Fortunately, Helena didn’t seem to be one who collected knicknacks which made packing her things relatively easy; there was no need to keep sorting things because all things were necessary.
Hunnigan finished packing up the living room and the kitchen and finally moved on to the bedroom. She gathered Helena’s clothes and shoes into large plastic bags before turning her attention to the dresser by the bed, the piece of furniture doubling as a nightstand. There was a book on it, another one of the romance novels Helena seemed to enjoy. Hunnigan made a mental note to bring it to Helena when she’d get to visit her.
She dug out the underwear and socks haphazardly tossed into the first drawer (noticing most of Helena’s underpants were men’s boxer briefs) and bagged them before moving on to the next drawer. Within was a photo album, an old mp3-player and underneath those a shadowbox Hunnigan paused to look at for a moment. In the middle of it was a portrait of Helena in her dress uniform, the photo surrounded by various medals she’d accumulated during her service.
She was just a kid, Hunnigan mused looking at Helena’s picture, thinking back to what she'd been doing at seventeen. Typical stupid things teenagers did, trying cigarettes and alcohol, her biggest concerns in life ranging from figuring out how to conceal a huge pimple to worrying about losing a basketball game; she certainly hadn't been preparing to get shipped off to a war zone.Poor girl, she sighed internally before putting the item into a cardboard box with the other things.“All right,” Hunnigan said to herself, checked her watch and did a tour of the apartment to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. Once satisfied everything was packed, she called the guys she’d hired to actually do the carrying and transporting. Within a couple of hours, the apartment was empty, cleaned and the keys given back to the landlord.
April 7th. After a week, Helena had finally gotten used to where she was waking up, and she’d grown to rather like the routine despite finding her stay somewhat boring. On the plus side, she’d had a lot of time to catch up on reading and practice drawing, a skill she’d neglected to hone due to lack of time and genuine interest; she had the time now.She’d also made a friend when a young woman named Sera (who had an easily recognizable and very uninhibited laugh, and who’d given herself a very unfortunate looking bangs with a vegetable knife because she’d gotten so annoyed at her hair getting in her eyes, and who always stared up at the sky grinning when they were outside because she liked to smile at the clouds) had checked in and struck up a conversation after noticing Helena also had a habit of doodling. She spoke fast and was sometimes downright incomprehensible but there was a certain joyfulness about her that Helena found herself drawn to, Sera was fun to hang out with, and Helena hadn’t even realized how much she’d missed having someone like that in her life.For a good while, Deborah had been the fun person who would think of something ridiculous and go do it (like running up to a band performing kids’ songs to a group of children and yelling “Play ‘Paranoid!’” which was something Helena would’ve found funny but would’ve never done herself) just because it would be funny. Her ability to go about life completely unembarrassed and free to do whatever she wanted had been fun to witness and be a part of... at least until it became Helena’s responsibility to clean up the messes Deborah made or got herself into when carefreely partying her way through life. But it was that exact happiness, that energy, that life force that had made her such a joy to be around, and Helena hadn’t met anyone else quite like that, not until meeting Sera who had that same energy.“Hey, Happy! Whatcha doodlin’?” Sera inquired cheerfully as she hopped to sit on the table and peered over at Helena’s notebook.“So, it’s ‘Happy’ today, huh?” Helena chuckled. So far she’d been Harley, Perrbear, Har-Har, Hap, and Harri Perri. Sera had given nicknames to everyone and considering the frequency with which the names changed it was quite taxing trying to keep up with who she was referring to at any given time, Helena had given up shortly after making her first attempt of keeping track. She still didn’t know who someone Sera called Widdle was supposed to be.“Ooo, is that the woman you never shut up about during group?” Sera asked, tilting her head as she stared at the simple silhouette of a woman’s figure, her hair tied up as she looked to the side, leaning to her left arm.
“Who?” Helena asked innocently and closed the notebook.“Inky!”“You’re not making any sense.”“Pbbth, what fun is there in making sense? You’re smart, but you’re sort of stupid,” Sera rolled her eyes as she rocked back and forth on the table for a moment before standing up and walking away, ending the conversation as abruptly as she’d started it.
Helena glanced up when the mental health technician named Adam came by and informed her it was time to meet with doctor Wilkes. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, she asked how Helena’s trauma timeline was coming along and Helena felt like a kid who’d just gotten called out for not doing their homework.
She’d almost finished it before getting distracted thinking about Hunnigan and wondering how she was doing which had ended in her idly drawing Hunnigan rather than finishing her assignment.“I... almost didn’t make it because it’s unbelievable. Like, literally, I’d barely gotten started and then I looked at it... and I thought that if I showed it to anyone, they wouldn’t believe me.”“Why wouldn’t they believe you?”
“Because I don’t think I come across as someone who’s been through all this,” Helena said and to emphasize her point, she held up her notebook, flipping several pages detailing the events of her experiences.“I seem normal, you know. I’m good at my job, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink excessively... often anyway, I go to work, come home, do normal things. Nobody would believe me if I told them that inside I’m just an insecure ball of emotional scar tissue. And it’s my own fault, really... you know, that no one would believe, because I’ve done everything in my power to convince everyone that I’m fine.”“Is there a reason why you kept insisting you’re fine despite knowing you weren’t?” Doctor Wilkes asked and Helena sighed deeply. There wasn’t a reason, not a good one, not one that didn’t serve only to show just how pride and vanity had very nearly destroyed her.“It’s embarrassing.”“Asking for help is embarrassing?”“No,” Helena shook her head, “needing it is embarrassing. I was raised to believe that needing help is for wussies, you don’t have a breakdown, you cope. If you can’t, you’re a useless drama queen.”“I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be pretending you’re all right on top of feeling anxious, scared and depressed,” Doctor Wilkes commented and Helena swallowed hard as she felt the tears start stinging in her eyes.
“It is, and I just—” she sniffled and took a shuddering breath, “kept thinking that if I make it through this one more thing, then I could take a break, but things just kept happening and piling up, and everything just got worse and worse, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I still don’t. I dread to imagine what is going wrong as we speak, what ‘fun’ things I have to look forward to when I get home,” she said, the tears fading as anger began to bubble.“Oh, wait, sorry, I don’t have a home anymore,” she then corrected herself agitatedly.“I understand it’s not easy to just not think about all that, but I really want you to spend your time here focusing solely on your recovery. You said Hunnigan was taking care of things for you while you’re here, right?”“Yeah, she’s... she’s been helping me, she’s the one who convinced me to check in here in the first place,” Helena muttered, getting a little warm in her heart when she thought of Hunnigan.
“Okay, I know Hunnigan well enough to be able to say that I am absolutely certain everything is being handled, you have nothing to worry about,” Doctor Wilkes smiled and Helena chuckled, nodding a little. That was Hunnigan all right, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, and loyal.“It’s not that I don’t trust her to take care of everything. Hell, she’s undoubtedly doing a better job of it than I was. I just feel like a burden, and I expect it won’t be easy adjusting to everything when I get out, that’s all.”“Do you feel up to getting started?” Doctor Wilkes nodded toward Helena’s notebook.“I guess I have to, huh,” Helena sighed and opened it.
Doctor Wilkes had told Helena to think of her mind as a cluttered desk or a messy filing cabinet, and her traumas as random pieces of paperwork just thrown on top of teetering piles of previously haphazardly stored paperwork. Whenever she touched one askew file — in other words when something triggered a slew of bad memories— the whole system collapsed. Her job while staying here was to go through all the files and papers and organize them. It would be painful, difficult and exhausting going through all of it, but Helena believed Doctor Wilkes when she said it was necessary, and would help.
“I suppose we’ll be a cliché and start by talking about my parents and my childhood, huh,” Helena muttered and Doctor Wilkes smiled, nodding once again.“My dad was a marine, he went to fight in the Gulf War shortly after I was born and came back a bit colder and more aloof than he’d been before, at least that’s what I was told. I don’t know much about my mom or her side of the family, only that she wasn’t in touch with any of them,” Helena began.
Deborah had collected stories, family history, photos, but most of them had been from their father’s side. Made sense considering it was their father’s mother who’d raised them, but it also left a lot to be desired as far as details and accuracy went. There weren’t many stories Frances Harper had told that weren’t colored with her own personal opinions on the matters she discussed.“According to my grandmother she was a lazy slut. But, she was biased, didn’t think anyone was good enough for her son, so... or at least I assume so, could be I’m wrong, could be she really was a lazy slut. Like I said, I don’t know and I have no means of finding out. I do know... there’s a pretty good chance that Deborah was only my half-sister. I’m not sure about that either, could be I’m remembering wrong, could be my mom told my father that just to get under his skin.”
Fine! She’s not yours! Is that what you want to hear? Are you happy now!
The last thing Helena had heard of her parents before they’d left in the car which one of them (presumably her mother) had intentionally driven into a concrete wall. Helena had looked into that at least, to make sure it had been intentional. The police reports she’d dug up had stated there’d been no skid marks to indicate the driver had tried braking. Could’ve been she just hadn’t had a chance to, but in her gut, Helena knew that wasn’t the case; she’d done it on purpose.“So, there’s that brand of fucked up that’s been fucked into the person that I am,” Helena smirked wryly. She took a moment to stare at her notebook, sighing at the long list of abuses she’d endured in the hands of her grandmother. It would take all day at this rate.
“She beat us. Well, mostly me. Sometimes it was deserved I guess. Like I’d do something stupid that ended badly, mess around and spill my drink at the dinner table or break a plate, or some shit like that.”“None of those things make it deserved,” Doctor Wilkes interjected. Helena supposed she had a point. She didn’t think she’d ever seen someone yell at a grown-up about breaking a plate or spilling a drink; they’d just sigh and get something to clean the mess up with. If I ever have kids I’ll never— you’re never having kids, what a stupid thought, who would you have them with? Don’t make me laugh, an intrusive thought donning the voice of her grandmother interrupted her musing.“Anyway, she hated me, constantly told me how useless I am, called me sick for a reason I still haven’t figured out, kept comparing me to my parents — mostly pointing out how much I in her opinion resembled my lazy slut of a mother. We’ll be here all week if I go into all these in detail,” Helena said, tapping her finger over the notes she’d made.“We will have to go through all of them, but you’re right, that is not a task for today,” Doctor Wilkes agreed.
“Fast forward to when I turned seventeen and grandma told me to enlist or get the hell out of her house. So, that’s how I wound up at the army and met Sergeant Good,” Helena muttered. “That’s... also a subject I’d rather not talk about in detail right now.”“I understand,” Doctor Wilkes said softly.
“I received orders to go to Afghanistan where I served as a medic, and saw some... pretty gruesome things. And then I saw my mentor get blown up, and my friend lose a leg. I’m... sorry, I really don’t want to talk about all that. Or any of this, it’s just...”“You don’t have to right now, we’re just going through what you have written down so we’ll have an idea of what we’ll work through in time when you’re ready.”“...then Deborah died... or... more like I had to let her die. You know the kind of things the DSO investigates mostly, it was one of those kinds of situations.”“I understand,” Doctor Wilkes let her know.“I had to...” You should put her down if you have any sympathy for her, Ada’s words rang in her ears. Crude, callous, but also... accurate. It had been exactly that, she’d had to put down her own sister. She’d put down the young woman she’d spent her entire life protecting and loving. She’d put down the only person she’d still had left in the world and now she was alone.
“I had to kill her after she got infected,” Helena said out loud, more because she needed to hear herself say it than because she needed Wilkes to understand.
“...my hatred toward Simmons who was behind the entire bullshit thing was what kept me going until I’d avenged Deborah’s death. After Simmons was gone, I thought... that it was finally over, all this fucking living, you know. I thought I’d get the death penalty because I’d committed treason, it was my fault the president got infected and killed. And I wanted to die, I mean...” Helena paused, taking a second to consider her following words carefully.The last thing she wanted was to end up under suicide watch. Openly admitting she’d wanted to die (let alone admit to that little incident at Christmas when she’d literally been half a second away from blowing her brains out) would undoubtedly lead to getting the staff’s undivided attention, and she didn’t have any interest in welcoming the lack of privacy that would bring.“I accepted that I would die. I was relieved, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this shit anymore, I could just...die, you know.”“Have you felt suicidal?”“No,” Helena lied, “I’ve felt indifferent about dying. Like, I don’t want to live but I don’t really want to die either, but if I did die, I wouldn’t mind.”“Hm.”“Anyway, as you can see, I didn’t die. So more shit kept piling up, and then this whole sorry mess with the fucking trial and Good’s murder and Jane’s suicide... I don’t know what to do.”“Well, that’s why we’re here, to figure it all out and help you get through this.”Doctor Wilkes went on to tell Helena she felt that the eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy would be just what Helena needed and explained the steps involved in EMDR therapy. Helena admitted it sounded a bit silly, how would making specific eye movements while discussing the worst things she’d ever experienced and forcing herself to relive them make her feel better? She didn’t know, but she was hardly in a position to argue over the doctor’s methods.
If it looks stupid but it works, it’s not stupid , Helena thought.
Once the session was officially over, Adam returned to escort her back to the day room where she was greeted by the ever-cheerful Sera and her neverending questions.
“Happy, have you ever punched a bear?”“...why would I have punched a bear?” Helena frowned.“Well, with all that army and cop training you told me you have, I figured if you’d want to, you could, yeah? Unless your trainers told you not to use your powers for punching bears.”“No,” Helena chuckled, “I was never specifically told I couldn’t use my training to punch bears.”“Well, there you go then!” Sera said happily and then held out her hand, giving Helena a drawing which featured her punching a bear while Sera stole the honey comb the bear had taken from the oversized and happy-looking bees decorating the edges of the drawing.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I am sorry, I am so, for the things you don't know, and as for the things you do, I am sorry for those too. I have thought and think about what and how to tell you, I have lived it seems without learning how to be true.
I was put together wrong, still I was made for you, when our stitches come undone, we come together like glue. Do you, do you want me? Do you know how to show, how to show these things? I just didn't want to have to ask, I just didn't want to have to, least of all people, you.
The hurt that the head forgets, the heart will always remember; the hold that the hand regrets, the heart remembers forever.
Nolan had composed and arranged the song into a great sounding whole, and the woman singing it sounded wonderful, but Hunnigan didn’t think she’d ever get used to hearing someone else sing words she’d written when it came to songs that were as personal as this one. That song was written about Helena, the young woman singing it didn’t even know Helena, and while she probably could relate to the words she sang, it wouldn’t ever sound just right to Hunnigan because of that. Her inability to distance herself from some of the lyrics she wrote was the main reason she’d very quickly given up on trying to make a career out of it despite Nolan’s encouragement to keep at it.“What’s wrong?” Nolan asked after swiveling around in his chair that was placed in front of the mixing console resting on a hardwood mixing table.“What?” Hunnigan looked at him and he sighed, slid the volume down and paused the song.
“I know that face. You don’t like the song? You said the demo was fine, so...”“It is good, it’s nothing like that, I’ve just got stuff on my mind,” Hunnigan muttered.
“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Nolan smirked, turning his attention back to the console.“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hunnigan frowned at her brother.“You’ve been so distracted lately that even I’ve noticed it. And I have a pretty good idea why that is,” he said. Hunnigan rolled her eyes, considering her line of work it wasn’t difficult to imagine what might distract her, Nolan’s obvious smugness over having figured it out was pointless.
Ever since Shepard had ordered Hunnigan and Harding to switch agents around so that Hunnigan was now Skylark and Hawke’s handler, Skylark had done everything in her power to make Hunnigan’s life at the office miserable. Harding had advised her “explain things to Skylark as if explaining them to a stupid person, and if she still doesn’t get it, well, then we’ll know which end the problem is at”, and while that was good advice, it didn’t help much when dealing with someone who was intent on being difficult. Either that or then she genuinely just doesn’t get it, Hunnigan mused.
Skylark was terrible at managing her time and schedule, she was constantly late with her reports, constantly making mistakes which she could’ve avoided had she paid attention rather than rushed because she’d created an unnecessary hurry for herself by dilly-dallying. And whenever Hunnigan tried to correct her —as kindly and reasonably as she could manage, she was a professional after all, and made sure her wording and interaction reflected that in case Skylark felt the need to bring it up with Shepard— she wouldn’t listen because she genuinely did not care enough to want to do it correctly.
Hunnigan wondered how Harding had put up with it all this time, and why no one had done anything about Skylark’s obvious attitude problem; Hunnigan knew she was just as challenging to everyone she worked with, she was just putting extra effort into it nowadays because she didn’t like Hunnigan.
Unfortunately, as far as work on the field went, Skylark wasn’t terrible, so she did deserve her position at the agency. Hunnigan just wished she’d stop being such a brat and did the other half of her job properly too, but Hunnigan was certain that was not something that would ever happen. Skylark was the type who never accepted blame or admitted she’d made a mistake even when someone proved she had, you don’t go from being like that to taking responsibility.
“Well, aren’t you a real detective,” Hunnigan commented sarcastically.
“You’ve been especially upset since your ‘special friend’ ran off to Florida rather than came home to you,” Nolan continued and Hunnigan sighed in exasperation.“Do I even want to know what you’re talking about?”“Oh, come on! A couple of weeks ago you were so excited because Helena was coming home, then her homecoming was delayed by a month because she went to Florida to get a service dog,” Nolan said.“How do you know that?”“Mom mentioned it to me.”“How did she know it?” Hunnigan asked.“Well, she was her lawyer,” Nolan shrugged as if that explained everything. It didn’t but Hunnigan didn’t bother questioning it further, Nolan didn’t seem to have an actual answer either.“And for the record, I was happy that she was getting out because it had to mean she was doing better, what’s wrong with being happy for my friend’s recovery?”“Sure, sure, she’s just a friend,” Nolan rolled his eyes.“Since when do you and mom discuss my friends with each other behind my back anyway?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.“I make it a point to get to know the people whose one million dollar bail I pay,” Nolan smiled lopsidedly.“You got it back.”“Yes and you’re trying to change the subject.”“I didn’t realize we even had a subject,” Hunnigan muttered.
“The subject is you’re being moody because your ‘friend’, in other words the woman you are so hot for I could light a cigarette off your crotch when you’re thinking about her—”“Gross exaggeration,” Hunnigan interjected.“—didn’t come home yet, and you should just admit it, it would make your life a lot easier.”“I have nothing to admit!”“Would telling you that you forgot to rename the songs before sending them to me help make my point?”“Why would—” Hunnigan began but swallowed the rest when she remembered her working titles which had left very little to interpretation.
“Yeeeaaaah,” Nolan drawled with a grin.
“Shut up.”“What I don’t get is why haven’t you just told her.”“Let’s start with the fact that it would make things at the office awkward because people are already questioning my integrity when it comes to her,” Hunnigan said.“Well, if they already think you’re screwing her, why not give them a reason to think so?”
“It’s not that damn simple, all right!” Hunnigan snapped. “She’s got enough on her plate without me telling her I have a crush on her.”“A crush? What are you, twelve?” Nolan snorted, and Hunnigan sighed.
He was right, it was much more than a crush but she hoped that if she kept denying it and downplaying it as much as possible, she’d eventually get over it. It hadn’t worked so far, and the longer she found it impossible to stop thinking about Helena, the harder it became to deny that her feelings were beyond shallow attraction; it had been months, and she was still very much in love with Helena.“Whatever you call it, it doesn’t change anything, I can’t tell her.”“Why the hell not? Grow up.”“Because she’s in a very fragile state and the last thing I want to do is add more pressure onto it all, she’s already got her hands full coming back and figuring out how to fucking live again after all the shit she went through, I’d have to be pretty damn selfish and stupid to make everything about me and my stupid feelings in a situation like this!” Hunnigan ranted, her sudden agitation over the subject causing Nolan to raise his eyebrows curiously.
“Well, at least you’re not defensive about it or anything,” Nolan chuckled sarcastically.“Oh, shut up,” Hunnigan sighed.
“Okay, look, I get it, and I know you’re doing what’s right by her, which is more than a lot of people would do. I just hope you won’t completely put off telling her. I mean, as much as I enjoy the lyrics you write when you’re pining over her, I’d love to see what you’d write when you’re with her,” Nolan smiled.
“I wish I was a robot,” Hunnigan groaned and slumped to lay down on the leather couch Nolan kept in the studio. She reached for her guitar and picked it up before beginning to idly pick at the strings to play a random melody which then quickly and without conscious thought went from that to her playing the melody of The Turtles’
song “Happy together”.
“Why?” Nolan laughed and quirked an eyebrow after recognizing the song. Hunnigan didn’t notice his obvious questioning.“Because then my behavior and moods wouldn’t be governed by random chemical imbalances and hormones.”“Well, sorry to burst your bubbles but unless someone invents something, you’re stuck in your meat suit just like the rest of us, and my advice is try to make the most of it.”“I find it ironic hearing that from a man who snorted a ton of cocaine while drinking entire liquor stores empty just so he wouldn’t have to feel so much.”“I can see the irony,” Nolan agreed. “I miss cocaine,” he then sighed wistfully and Hunnigan threw her guitar pick at him.Hunnigan was almost embarrassed by just how giddy she felt the entire day she knew Helena was coming back to D.C. from Camp K9. She’d insisted on driving so she wouldn’t be back until much after midnight after leaving Florida in the morning, and the later it got in the day, the harder it became for Hunnigan to remain patient. It seemed the less time there was until Helena would arrive, the slower time went by.
Despite her excitement, it was truly her son who was even more excited, though for different reasons. Hunnigan had explained to Seeley that her friend would be staying over at their home for a while and that she’d bring her dog with her. Ever since that, he hadn’t stopped asking Hunnigan when they’d be arriving, to the point of Hunnigan regretting telling him about it so early, had she put it off she wouldn’t have had to answer the same slew of questions daily for an entire week.Seeley had insisted he get to stay up and wait for the arrival, and Hunnigan had allowed it, knowing already he would be fast asleep by ten p.m. and she’d been right. She tucked him in and went to the kitchen then, opening a bottle of rum she held in the cabinet, and mixing herself a rum and coke. I guess I should thank mom for helping Helena with everything, Hunnigan mused as she stared at the family crest printed on the bottle’s label.
After everything had been done and sorted, her interactions with Isabela had gone back to their distant and cool state, and Hunnigan did regret it. That said, she had been dreading to have a conversation with her mother about Helena after the question Isabela had posed.
She’s more than just a friend, isn’t she?
Hunnigan didn’t want to answer, especially not to her mother. Admitting it to Nolan had been painful enough because saying it out loud only made it more real, and if it became real, she would have to actually start dealing with it and coping with the fact that she shouldn’t discuss it with Helena... who ironically was the one person she figured she should’ve discussed it with.“Hello, kitten. Is everything all right?” Isabela asked when she answered the call.“Yeah, I just... realized I never properly thanked you for everything. And yes I realize it’s been months but better late than never, so, thank you for helping my friend.”“You’re welcome. How is your friend ?” Isabela asked, emphasizing the last words in the same tone Nolan had come to use when talking about Helena, namely a voice that said he knew Helena was more than that. The fact that Isabela was using the tone of voice too only confirmed she and Nolan had been gossipping about the subject. Hunnigan wasn’t sure if she should be offended or flattered by the fact that the two of them apparently deemed her personal life so damn interesting all of a sudden.“She’s... recovering,” Hunnigan somewhat avoided, she didn’t feel it was her place to discuss Helena’s personal life with Isabela beyond that.
Helena had seemed to be doing rather well the times Hunnigan had visited her. She’d even admitted she’d come to appreciate the whole sharing in a circle-thing she’d previously looked down on and been unable to imagine helping in any way.
“That’s good to hear. She deserves a break after everything.”Isabela didn’t elaborate on what she meant, she couldn’t have even if she’d wanted to, everything was privileged, but she didn’t need to; Hunnigan wasn’t born yesterday and if there was one thing she was good at, it was digging up information, and the things she found regarding Sergeant Kassandra Good were chilling and disturbing.
“Yeah, she does,” Hunnigan muttered.“Was there anything else?”“No, I just... wanted to say thanks,” Hunnigan said.
They spent a moment chatting about Seeley and Garrett and exchanging regards before Hunnigan finally wished her mother good night and ended the call. She fixed herself another drink and went to take a seat at her desk in the living room corner.She leaned back in her chair and stared at the shadow box she’d taken from Helena’s belongings; specifically she stared at the picture of a few years younger Helena in her dress uniform and tried to once again imagine what it must’ve been like. Hunnigan had been trying for a good while now but she still didn’t think she’d managed to get even close.She admitted she’d been one of those people Jane had deemed annoying sycophants in her manifesto, namely someone who had used phrases like “thank you for your service” and “I support the troops” without realizing almost no one really wanted to hear those platitudes. And that’s all they were, platitudes, because that’s where the support ended, at hollow words. She hadn’t spared much thought to the ones serving because she’d had no reason to; aside from occasionally needing to coordinate with some high ranking military officers over some missions, she’d had no need to think of them.The sad truth was the armed conflicts the country was involved in had become so ordinary it had turned into white noise. It was normal, nothing to bat an eye about. Just like enlisting at seventeen and being shipped off to fight at a war overseas
was normal, admirable even. It shouldn’t have been. Hunnigan hated to admit that she had not realized that until just recently either, and had it not been for her relationship with Helena, she doubted she ever would’ve realized it.
Hunnigan glanced at the ribbons on Helena’s uniform and smirked wryly at the amount of them. She estimated Helena was probably around twenty years old in the photo and she already had racked up a handful of ribbons (Army commendation, good conduct, national defense service, Afghanistan campaign, global war on terrorism service, Army service and Army overseas service-ribbons to be exact— Hunnigan had needed to Google them to figure out what meant what), no wonder the generals had no room in the fronts of their uniforms for those.
I should probably put this away before Helena gets here, Hunnigan then realized and got up, picked up the shadow box and carried it into the small storage closet from where she decided she’d later take it to the rented storage space where the rest of Helena’s belongings were.
She’d just finished doing that when there was a knock on the door. Hunnigan answered it, barely able to resist the urge to put her hands on Helena’s cheeks and kiss her hard. Helena stood there with a blue brindle American Staffordshire Terrier, a dog Hunnigan recognized as Junkhouse-Charlie from the numerous pictures Helena had sent her over the past week or so ever since it had been made official Junkhouse-Charlie was the dog she’d been paired with. Based on what Helena had told her, Hunnigan could tell the dog had a rough past, but fortunately he’d come out of it all right.He was a young former fighting dog, his career in the pits having fallen short because he wasn’t the fighting-type nor very aggressive contrary to how dogs of his breed typically were. As a result, he had a piece of his left ear missing and visible scarring around his neck from where he’d been bitten by his opponent during his first and last fight. He’d been abandoned by his owner who’d left him to die but someone had stumbled upon the injured dog and seen to it that he got rescued, and from there he’d ended up going to get trained to be a service dog.It didn’t surprise Hunnigan that Helena had bonded with a dog that had a terrible painful past. But, just like Junkhouse-Charlie, she’d come through it and would recover in time.“Hey, you! Welcome back,” Hunnigan smiled and hugged Helena tightly for a few seconds before turning her attention to the dog that sat obediently by Helena’s legs, staring up at the two humans.“Hello, Junkhouse-Charlie,” she then greeted the dog, slowly reaching her palm out for him to sniff at before petting his head. He seemed to approve.
“Thanks, it’s good to be back,” Helena said quietly, smiling a little as she entered the apartment with Charlie.“You must be exhausted,” Hunnigan then said, glancing at her watch; it was almost two in the morning.
“I really am, I’m on the verge of passing out, and I hate sounding rude but can I just get some sleep now? I suspect you have questions or things you wanna talk about but can it wait until tomorrow?” Helena requested tiredly.“Of course,” Hunnigan agreed with a smile.“Thank you,” Helena exhaled in relief and turned to head to the living room.“Where are you going?”“...the couch?” she offered.“Nonsense. You’re my guest, you sleep in the bed,” Hunnigan insisted.“I don’t...”“Helena. Just... come to bed.” How’s that for a Freudian slip, Hunnigan thought and almost rolled her eyes at herself.“Yeah, but Charlie might get on the bed too, I don’t want to mess up your bed.”“Helena, just go. I’ll see you in the morning,” Hunnigan ordered gently.“...you’re not coming with?”“I didn’t realize you wanted me to.”“Well, no offense but I’ve slept on your couch and it’s not comfortable. Besides, it’s not like we’re not used to sharing a bed,” Helena smirked and Hunnigan chuckled.“Point taken,” she agreed and went to the bedroom with Helena, Charlie walking beside Helena, looking around to familiarize himself with the environment and to ensure everything was all right.
Within a few moments, they were in Hunnigan’s bed, Charlie taking up a spot by the bed on the side Helena was at, settling to rest on the floor. Within a few minutes the room grew quiet, and Hunnigan could hear from Helena’s breathing that she’d fallen asleep.
“Oh,” Hunnigan mumbled quietly when Helena turned to lay on her side, nuzzling into Hunnigan’s neck, her arm reaching to rest over her midsection. Hunnigan smiled in the dark and reached to run her fingers through Helena’s hair and pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead."Bienvenue à la maison, ma chérie," she whispered.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena woke up to find Hunnigan’s bed had grown rather crowded during the night. Charlie had jumped on the bed and was now resting on Helena’s abdomen, dutifully guarding her sleep. To her side, in the spot between Helena and Hunnigan, was a little boy, the tip of his thumb in his mouth as he slept soundly in his mother’s arms. Helena noted that his brown hair had gotten rather long since the last time she’d seen him and that it curled a little at the ends, a trait she was certain he’d inherited from his mother.
“C’mon, Charlie,” Helena encouraged in a whisper, softly patting the dog’s head and he got up and jumped off the bed, allowing Helena to get up as well.
After brushing her teeth, Helena meant to go feed Charlie but only then realized she hadn’t prepared properly yesterday, she had forgotten to buy dog food. With that she decided to combine a morning walk with a quick trip to the corner store. She took a moment to look around for Hunnigan’s keys, and spotted them on the small table by the door. She left a note letting Hunnigan know where she was and took the keys.“Okay, let’s go,” Helena smiled at Charlie after putting a leash and his vest (which identified him as a service dog) on him.
Once outside, Helena lit a cigarette and began heading toward the store, uncomfortably aware of the occasional long look passers-by gave her, muttering “Isn’t that..?” in hushed voices. Helena sighed internally, she’d hoped that people would have forgotten about her already but apparently that had been too much to ask.
She managed to get to the store and get the items she’d gone out for before the odd anxiety began to claw its way up her throat.
What the hell is wrong with me? she frowned at herself. She’d never been bothered by crowds (any more than anyone would be at least), but now it suddenly felt like everyone was looking at her. Some certainly were, but most weren’t, most didn’t care, most hadn’t even noticed her existence, but still she felt like everyone’s attention was on her, and that they knew her past, knew the intimate details of her humiliation.
Rationally, she knew it wasn’t possible, but unfortunately common sense didn’t apply in the state she found herself. Charlie drew her attention to himself by nuzzling her palm and then licking it.
“Hey. Good boy, good Charlie,” Helena smiled and petted him, continuing their walk back toward Hunnigan’s apartment. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Random anxiety attacks over things I am imagining? How the hell am I supposed to get anything done? How am I supposed to work?
Helena lamented internally and the simple answer was... she couldn’t.With enough medication and therapy, she supposed it would become manageable eventually, but the defiant part of her insisted it was wrong. She didn’t want to take pills just to feel normal, it wasn’t how it was supposed to be, she should’ve coped without. She had until now, why did that have to change. You know why it has to change, you weren’t coping, you were barely surviving, and life is supposed to be more than just surviving, Deborah’s voice told her.
Helena sighed deeply. At least the voices in her head had grown less aggressive over the time she’d spent at the psychiatric hospital. She’d hoped they would be gone completely, but she didn’t think that would ever happen no matter how many hours of therapy she attended and how many different cocktails of pills she tried.Helena could smell coffee and toast when she entered the apartment, her stomach making a growling noise to not-so-subtly alert her to the fact that she was rather hungry. She took the leash and the vest off of Charlie and returned Hunnigan’s keys to where she’d found them, and headed toward the kitchen. She stopped in her tracks and exhaled a sharp but quiet breath at the sight of Hunnigan.
My God, she’s beautiful, Helena mused as she shamelessly and sheepishly just stared at her, the sunlight pouring in from the kitchen window tinting Hunnigan with rose gold, its glow framing her with bright light that made Helena think of majestic paintings of divine creatures in their fiery glory.
“Good morning,” the goddess spoke, breaking the spell and bringing Helena back from her thoughts, returning her to the sunlit kitchen on a beautiful albeit rather ordinary August morning.“Good morning,” Helena finally greeted Hunnigan who stood by the stove, dipping bread into a mixture of egg and milk, and placed the slices on the skillet. Seeley sat at the table, busy with the My little pony coloring book while his mother made breakfast.
“Doggie!” Seeley exclaimed happily upon noticing Charlie. He jumped down from the chair and was about to hurry over when Hunnigan gripped his arm and stopped him.“Buddy, we talked about this, you can’t run up to doggies without giving them a moment to get to know you, okay? You don’t want to scare them,” she chastised gently.
“His name is Charlie,” Helena said and knelt down by the dog, petting him and Hunnigan let go of Seeley and he walked over. Charlie nuzzled the boy and sniffed him thoroughly before leaning closer, his tail swaying from side to side as he allowed the little human to pet him.
“Good boy, good Charlie,” Helena said with a smile.“Am I a good boy?” Seeley turned to inquire from his mother who laughed heartily.“You’re the best boy,” Hunnigan responded and leaned to kiss the top of his head. “You need to get a haircut,” she then added and ruffled his hair before turning her attention back to the French toast cooking in the skillet.
It took a while to convince Seeley that he should go wash up and get ready for breakfast, he would've rather spent the morning
petting Charlie. It wasn’t until Helena pointed out that Charlie needed to have breakfast too that he finally went to wash his hands.
“You still take milk in your coffee?” Hunnigan grinned after pouring Helena a mug.“Only if it’s locally produced,” Helena teased back and they laughed. “I’m never gonna live that down, am I?” Helena then sighed as she added milk (from a cow this time) into her coffee.
“Nope,” Hunnigan confirmed.
She put the remaining pieces of toast onto a plate which she then placed in the middle of the table, adding a jar of jam and a cup of sugar afterward before finally taking a seat. Seeley returned from the bathroom, displaying his cleaned hands before going to take a seat at the table too, moving his coloring book out of the way, accidentally knocking over the glass of milk Hunnigan had poured.
Helena inhaled sharply and tensed up at that, the sight of the spilled liquid and the sound of it dripping over the edge of the kitchen table suddenly rushing her over fifteen years to her past, to the moment she’d made the mistake of being a clumsy child who’d knocked over a drink. Only in her case the drink had been her grandmother’s vodka and coke, nothing as insignificant as a glass of milk. Granted, it wouldn’t have mattered, the punishment would’ve been just as severe, Helena guessed.Charlie once again drew her attention to himself by pawing at her knee, rising to lean against it so he could reach to nuzzle her face.
“Okay, okay,” Helena chuckled, telling him he was a good boy and petting his head. Poor dog’s been with me for five minutes and he’s already overworked because of how damn fucked up I am. Helena expected Hunnigan to explode in a furious rant about how Seeley should watch what the hell he was doing and be more careful, followed by a few derogatory remarks regarding the kid’s clumsiness, but she didn’t. Of course she didn’t, she wasn’t Frances Harper, she was the opposite, she was the kind of a woman who raised a child, Frances had merely tolerated them out of legal obligation.“Uhp, let’s get something to clean that up with,” Hunnigan said and began to wipe down the spilled milk (Charlie helping out by drinking up the drops that had landed on the floor).
“Uh-oh, I’m sorry,” Seeley muttered.“It’s okay, buddy, accidents happen,” Hunnigan assured gently as she cleaned up, and once everything was back in order, she poured Seeley another glass of milk.
“Are you okay?” Hunnigan then quietly asked from Helena.“Yeah, I just, uh...would've gotten in so much trouble if I'd done that when I was a kid,” Helena answered wryly, wishing she wasn’t so damn easy to read for Hunnigan to notice every little thing triggering something within her.They finished breakfast and Hunnigan told Seeley to get ready for daycare which was when he threw a tantrum, stating he didn’t want to go because he wanted to stay home and play with Charlie.
“Well, I’m gonna be here for the day anyway, I can look after him if you want?” Helena offered.“No, thank you but no. Seeley, go get dressed. Right now,” Hunnigan said sternly and he threw himself on the floor. Helena glanced at Hunnigan who shook her head a little, and Helena held Charlie back when he intended to go comfort the child.
Why won’t she just let me babysit? Helena wondered quietly.“Come on, let’s go,” she said and guided the dog out of the kitchen as Seeley began to cry, the kind of loud wailing a child would do just out of frustration rather than pain or sadness.
Sure, that’s what good mothers do, they leave their kids in the care of mentally unstable people who have a history of violence, some of which they have personal experience, Helena thought sarcastically, feeling a hollow pang of guilt hit her chest when she looked back on the time she’d nearly strangled Hunnigan to death. She didn’t think she’d ever forgive herself for that despite Hunnigan insisting it was fine because Helena hadn’t been in control of herself at the time. That only made it worse, the implication of it still terrifying. If she so completely lost control once, what was stopping it from happening again?Hunnigan began clearing the table as Seeley carried on with his act. She left the room and went to get dressed for work, and Helena had to struggle hard to keep from interfering. Surely Hunnigan knew what she was doing, as cruel as it did seem that she just left him to kick and scream on the floor.By the time she returned, Seeley had dropped the act upon realizing he wouldn’t be getting any attention. He sat up, still hiccupping and sniffling, and raised his arms, reaching toward Hunnigan. She grabbed a paper towel and wiped his red little face from tears and snot before picking him up in her arms.
“Are you done?” she asked from the boy as she hugged him to herself rubbing his back, and he nodded slowly. “You gonna go get ready?” she continued.“Yes,” he muttered.“Okay, good,” Hunnigan smiled, kissed his cheek repeatedly and carried him to his room to get dressed. When they emerged a few minutes later, Seeley walked up to Charlie and hugged him.“You know, Charlie will still be here when you get home,” Helena offered, hoping it would help tide the boy over the separation.
“He will?” Seeley inquired, turning to look at his mother.“Mm-hm, yes he will,” Hunnigan confirmed with a smile. That seemed to brighten the boy’s mood. He hugged Charlie once more, went to pick up his things and Hunnigan went to help him with his shoes.
“Make yourself at home, here’s my spare key and the key to the storage unit if you want to go check up on your stuff,” Hunnigan then said and handed Helena the keys.“Thank you,” she smiled.
“Call me if you need anything,” Hunnigan said and shouldered her laptop bag.“I think I’ll manage,” Helena chuckled.“Yeah, but still, you know. Okay, ready to go, buddy?” Hunnigan then turned her attention to her son and he nodded, reached to take her hand and they walked out.
***When a biosecurity officer at BWI airport forwarded the DSO information about a passenger who had been caught carrying an unknown biological agent on his person, she had no idea that by doing so she’d be ruining the rest of Ingrid Hunnigan’s day and for reasons that were not obvious. Had this happened a few months ago, Hunnigan’s job would’ve been simple; she would’ve needed to allocate some resources and transportation allowing her agents to deploy, give them the assignment and wait for updates before writing the final report upon closing the case and submitting said report to her superior officer who would file it away with the other closed cases to be brought up again when discussing funding and agency efficiency, their win-lose-ratio.Those had been the simpler times when she’d had the pleasure of working with a pair of agents who were here to do their jobs rather than made it their mission in life to make Hunnigan’s job annoying to do. Division of Security Operations special agent Mary Skylark, however, was an agent who fell into the latter category.“Here’s the receipts for the travel expenses you wanted, put them in the system for me, would you?” she said as she tossed a bulging unsealed envelope on Hunnigan’s desk before taking a seat with her partner Hawke who had arrived with her to be briefed on the upcoming mission.“Sure thing, honey; would you like me to tie your shoelaces for you too?” Hunnigan said sweetly and Hawke burst out laughing. Skylark gave her partner the stink eye and caught the envelope when Hunnigan threw it back at her.
“I know you like to believe otherwise, but I’m still your superior officer, and I think I’ve been rather generous with your constant overstepping the boundaries, but I’ve had enough.”“You’re pulling rank?” Skylark laughed.“I’m simply wondering why you are expressing such difficulty doing the job you’ve been doing for several years now, and thinking that if you need me to do your job for you, maybe you should consider finding employment elsewhere.”“Well, how about you do your job and brief me,” Skylark retorted and Hunnigan could see how much she struggled to keep herself from finishing the sentence in the word “bitch”.
“You’re going to Maryland,” Hunnigan began and handed the agents the folders containing the paperwork with the details. She briefed them with what little information she had and sent them on their way. Once the briefing was over, Skylark left the room without as much as a word of goodbye, but Hawke lingered and Hunnigan gave her a questioning look.“I was just wondering how Helena’s doing. I tried texting her but she didn’t respond, so I figured she didn’t feel up to talking,” Hawke said.“I think it’s likely she never got the message because she had to get a new phone and a new number.”“Oh, okay.”“Do you want me to give her your number?” Hunnigan asked, rather choosing to offer that than straight up give Helena’s new number away; she didn’t know if Helena wanted it being shared, even if there was no reason to assume she didn’t, at least not as far as Hunnigan knew.“Yeah, I’d appreciate that, thanks,” Hawke smiled and then exited the office.Hunnigan took her glasses off, sighed deeply and rubbed the irritated spots behind her ears, feeling the by now very familiar indentations left behind by her glasses, and knowing without even looking that she had a set of those on the sides of her nose too. She had considered going in for the laser surgery but after reading about the risks, she’d ultimately decided against it; even the slight possibility of ending up with serious nerve damage in her eyes was enough to convince her it wasn’t worth it.Besides, she typically only needed her glasses when reading, writing or driving, so as uncomfortable as they got when she wore them the entire day nonstop, it wasn’t a big deal.She glanced at her watch and decided to call it a day, packed her laptop and set her phone to synchronize with her email so she’d get notifications if something happened. She walked out of the office and to her car, and the longer time passed, the more she found herself internally seething.Since she was the type who tended to avoid confrontation even if it meant letting people get away with being dicks, being privately agitated to the point of wanting to commit murder was not a new feeling to her by any means, and she doubted she was the only person in the world who felt that way either. Ever since she’d been forced to work with Skylark on a daily basis, however, the feeling of silent rage had become almost a constant companion, and she caught herself muttering obscenities and insults and having daydreams about kicking the shit out of Skylark more often than she liked to admit. Is this anger and the desperate urge to hit something what Helena has to live with every day? I mean, I’ve barely got a temper and I’m struggling to keep it together, how has she not snapped any more than she has? Hunnigan mused as she got into the car and drove out of the underground parking lot. She picked up Seeley from the daycare center and drove home, chatting with him about his day which he’d apparently spent mostly anxiously waiting to go home to play with Helena’s dog.
When they got home, Seeley dropped his things at the door and hurried inside to find Charlie. Sighing, Hunnigan picked up his backpack and put it aside before heading into her bedroom to change out of the suit she was wearing. When she left the room a few minutes later dressed in a white T-shirt and gray sweatpants, she realized she could smell food. She let out a happy sigh at the thought because frankly the last thing she’d felt like doing after work was cooking.“Welcome home,” Helena greeted her when she entered the kitchen.“You made dinner? Oh, God, I love you so much right now,” Hunnigan said, realizing she’d let it slip half a second too late, just like she’d slipped a few months ago when she’d told Helena she was helping her because she loved her. That had been easier to save, though.
Come on, don’t make it weird, don’t explain, don’t pause, don’t get awkward or she’ll figure out I meant it in that way, Hunnigan mentally scolded herself.“Uh, yes, yes I did, please, help yourself,” Helena smiled.“Seeley, dinner time,” Hunnigan called out.“In a minute!”“No, now. You can play with Charlie afterward, okay?”“But I’m not hungry!”“All right, fine, have it your way,” Hunnigan gave up, too worn out from the constant fighting with Skylark and too hungry to bother arguing with her son. Instead, she grabbed a plate and helped herself to a generous portion of mashed potatoes and a perfectly browned chicken breast. Helena did the same and joined her at the table.“You know what I just realized? No one’s ever made dinner for me before.”“Major didn’t cook for you?” Helena asked, the smirk on her face telling she hadn’t expected as much.“He can barely heat a frozen pizza in the oven,” Hunnigan snorted.
“In that case I think he did you a favor by not cooking,” Helena chuckled and took a seat at the table. “So, uh, how was work?”“Skylark was her usual charming self which makes every day ten times more fun,” Hunnigan said sarcastically and Helena frowned.
“Why do you have to deal with her?”“Oh...shit, I forgot to tell you. Shepard made some adjustments and I am now Skylark and Hawke’s handler rather than your and Leon’s.”“...why?”“It doesn’t matter,” Hunnigan dismissed awkwardly.“In other words it’s got something to do with me, most likely it’s my fault somehow,” Helena deduced and Hunnigan sighed.
“No, and no. It’s something he decided based on my performance, so it’s my own fault if someone needs to be blamed, which they don’t.”“Well, it’s not like I’ve been much use to the agency in a long while, and God only knows when I’m allowed back, Wilkes doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to clear me,” Helena muttered.“Which she shouldn’t unless it’s certain that you’re ready. I know you’re impatient, but please, just...take the time, recover properly. Please.”“...it’s not like I have a choice...but thanks,” Helena smiled wryly.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Oh, shit, you’ve got it bad, don’t you,” Nolan smirked after reading the lyrics Hunnigan had given him and she sighed deeply. They were in his studio —which he referred to as his sanctum— where she’d gone over to play a guitar track for an upcoming single, and she was beginning to regret showing him the latest additions to her songbook.“That’s...a distinct possibility,” she admitted reluctantly, slumped back on the couch and threw her arm over her eyes. “And why do you always make me regret showing you my vulnerable side?” she added in a humph, genuinely wishing he didn’t know her well enough to know exactly what and who she wrote about, and that she didn’t have the inexplicable need to offer her lyrics for him to make into music. At the end of the day no matter how much she wished, a bigger part of her always wanted to hear the end result because as much of a headache as he was at times, Nolan really was her other half when it came to this, and together they had the capability to put together masterpieces...or at least the occasional catchy tunes that would help pay for her son’s education. But God, at what cost, Hunnigan sighed internally as she looked over to see the smug shit-eating grin on her brother’s face.“Well, I mean, as far as I can see, I only stand to profit from your pining, but for your sake—”“We’ve been over this, and I haven’t changed my mind,” Hunnigan interrupted and Nolan rolled his eyes.“What’s so difficult about it, just find your fucking confidence and do it.”“I have no confidence, you got all of it in the womb, and I got the bad eyesight. And most importantly, she’s in a very vulnerable state right now, some might go as far as to say she’s more or less dependent on me at the moment. How do you think telling her would go over? Put yourself in her shoes, wouldn’t you feel coerced?” Hunnigan scoffed.“Well no, unless you intend to word it along the lines of ‘love me back or I’ll kick you out’, which I doubt you’d do, so what is the problem, I don’t get it,” Nolan frowned.
“I just can’t, okay? So, stop bothering me about it.”“You know what, I would if it weren’t so painful to watch you do this shit to yourself again, you keep letting others dictate your relationships and doing what you’re told, but what do you want?”“It doesn’t matter because I’m not selfish and irresponsible enough to go for what I want at the cost of other people. Some of us stop to think of the possible consequences of our actions,” Hunnigan snapped and Nolan laughed wryly.
“How about the consequences of your inaction? She’s gonna leave and you’re gonna let her, and you’ll spend the rest of your days wishing you hadn’t, wishing that you’d at least tried because hey, maybe if you had, you would’ve found out that she wants you too.”“Shut up. Seriously, just...stop talking,” she said, feeling pretty dumb realizing she honestly hadn’t considered that the feeling might be mutual, and dreading the hopeful feeling swelling in her chest at the mere implication of a possibility. She didn’t want to think about it and get stuck daydreaming about it until it became a distraction, an ultimately unattainable fantasy which would only end up making her depressed because deep down she was certain it could never become true.“Fine, go on living your life as the emotionally constipated lesbian cliché that you are, but you know I’m right,” Nolan had to have the last word on the subject, and Hunnigan ran a hand over her face.
“Yes, you are,” she admitted in a mutter and Nolan’s eyebrows rose. He cupped his hand behind his ear and leaned in closer to his sister theatrically.“I’m sorry, what? I didn’t quite catch that.”“I said you’re right, she’s gonna leave and I’m gonna let her and I don’t want to because I’ve gotten used to having her around all the time and I like having her there...even if she’s a terrible neatfreak who constantly criticizes my housekeeping,” she smirked.
“No, dude, she just seems like a neatfreak because you’re a terrible slob,” Nolan interjected and Hunnigan didn’t bother arguing.
There was some truth to it, she had a bad habit of leaving things like clothes and books, coffee mugs and drinking glasses in places they didn’t belong, but she considered that rather harmless. Helena on the other hand seemed to have some compulsive need to wash the dishes and thoroughly scrub the sink and faucets afterward; Hunnigan’s tendency to leave dishes everywhere had come up frequently during their conversations, some might have gone as far as to call it nagging.
Hunnigan knew enough about Helena’s past and about compulsions to have figured out Helena’s need to clear the dishes immediately
was most likely something that had become an important ritual for her when growing up, so she didn’t take it personally and she did make an effort to pick up after herself better, but there were a lot of days she simply forgot. What disturbed Hunnigan about it all was realizing she didn’t even mind being nagged at because she associated that with the whole “bickering like an old couple”—thing...and the thought of being an old couple with Helena was extremely appealing to her.“I swear to God, you’re the dumbest smart person I know. Rather than just let her go without a fight, give her a sign you fucking love her, idiot. You don’t know, she might want to stay but it’s not like she’s gonna ask to, is it?” Nolan said.“You make it sound so easy.”“Because it is! What’s the worst that could happen?”Hunnigan took a moment to think about it and decided he had a valid point. Professionally, Shepard had already made sure she and Helena had been separated, so even if everything went to shit, it wouldn’t necessarily get awkward at work. As far as the living arrangements went, she was relatively certain Helena was working on figuring something out, and in the meanwhile if she wanted to, she could stay at Hunnigan’s apartment, maybe move into Seeley’s room until she found her own place.
“I could get hurt,” Hunnigan answered her brother’s question, suddenly feeling herself on the verge of tears when she thought about being rejected.
“Yeah, but the thing is...you already hurt, so...maybe take a chance and it might get better.”Saturday, September 6th 2014.
Charlie had taken up a spot in Seeley’s room when it had become evident that the little boy needed comforting to be able to get to sleep; the passing thunderstorm had been too much for him to bear without the emotional support of Helena’s service dog. The thunder and lightning had begun to pass, a calm rain pattering the window the only remnant left of the storm.“If those two don’t end up together by the end of the season, I will lose my faith in the writers,” Hunnigan commented as she sat on the couch watching an episode of Law&Order: Special Victims Unit with Helena, who laughed heartily at Hunnigan’s comment.
“It’s complete gay bait, never gonna happen. Especially when considering this is from 2002, I don’t think lesbians have been invented yet as far as the entertainment industry is concerned.”“What about The L-word ?” Hunnigan challenged.“Pft, oh, you mean ‘The Blatant Lesbian Exploitation Show’ that consisted of shitty one-dimensional characters and revolved around the mentally unstable straight girl who wakes up one morning and decides she’s a lesbian and then fucks everyone she can regardless of their sex, cheats on everyone and finally ends up dead in a swimming pool, you mean that brilliant show that totally represents lesbians really well to the world?”“Wow, tell me how you really feel,” Hunnigan chuckled.“My point is...when it comes to TV and movies, the rule is that if there’s two female characters with undeniable chemistry, they will not end up together. Or if they do, one of them ends up dead two minutes later.”“Well, that seems stupid,” Hunnigan scoffed, took a sip of red wine and leaned back on the couch.
“It is exactly that. But, kudos for even noticing the lesbian-vibe, most straight people wouldn’t even realize to look for it,” Helena complimented and Hunnigan scoffed again, this time into her wine glass as she went to take another drink from it.“Bold of you to assume I’m straight.”“Oh, yes, the fact that you were married to a man and that you’ve deemed his penis beautiful really gives me a reason to think you’re not straight,” Helena drawled sarcastically and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“Ever heard of bisexuality?”“Well, excuse me for not having any reason to think you’re bi,” Helena muttered, but it was a lie. She had plenty of reason if the video of Hunnigan kissing the drummer of the band she’d played in as a teenager was anything to go by. That said, she couldn’t very well admit as much unless she wanted Hunnigan to realize she’d pried into her life. Not to mention what she’d seen had taken place when Hunnigan had been a teenager, Helena didn’t think there were many teenaged girls who hadn’t kissed another girl or at least thought about it, and then went on to date men exclusively.“Fair point,” Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder. “Oh, good God, she got bangs,” she then exclaimed when another episode began and the woman playing the assistant district attorney made an appearance sporting a new haircut.
“I know, right? Who the hell thought that bangs were a good haircut for anyone ever?” Helena agreed.“Bangs are acceptable only on people who have gigantic foreheads,” Hunnigan said and Helena burst out laughing. “What?” Hunnigan chuckled at her sudden reaction.“I just think this is the closest I’ve gotten to girl talk in my life. You know, talking about shows and haircuts, and shit like that.”“Careful, next thing you know we’ll be talking about our periods and swapping ‘most uncomfortable period-experience ever’-stories,” Hunnigan smirked and refilled their wine glasses.
“China, summer of last year, being chased by monsters and zombies, feeling a million different kinds of gross and uncomfortable because my stomach’s a mess, I’m sweating like a horse, and on top of all that I was accompanied by Leon,” Helena listed, and Hunnigan gasped.“Oh, no!”
“Oh, yes.”“Poor baby,” Hunnigan said through a chuckle she tried hiding into her wine glass as she took a drink.“Yeah, it’s become one of those ‘I’ll laugh about it later’-things, and now is later, so go ahead,” Helena gave permission, and Hunnigan shook her head.“No, no, that is...absolutely not funny at all,” she held up her finger, obviously sucking in the insides of her cheeks in a desperate attempt to keep a straight face.
“I told you mine, you tell me yours.”“Back when the band was touring, I got to spend quite a bit of time on a tour bus, and a bus toilet is not exactly ideal when you’re on your period. Mostly because you can’t really wash up properly, and also it’s so cramped in there, imagine trying to fit my horse-legs in the tiny room and trying to find the space to, uhm,
spread out to handle a tampon-situation,” Hunnigan said.
“Horse-legs?” Helena guffawed.“Yeah! It wasn’t bad enough that I had to kind of stretch one of them through the door to be able to fit there, what made it worse was that someone had to kind of, you know, stand guard at the door, and who do you think did that?”“Your brother?”“My dad!”“Well, awkward, sure, but kudos to him being there for you, most dads would probably just play dead rather than deal with their daughters’ menstrual cycle,” Helena smirked, took a drink of wine and and continued, “also, there’s nothing horse-like about your legs, they’re gorgeous so shut up.”“Nah, I’m—”
“Stop, I’m not arguing about this, you’re tall, dark and gorgeous, and that’s the truth, I wish I was too, but I’m just bitchy and pasty,” Helena chuckled.
“Well, thank you, I guess.”“You know, I think you might actually be the coolest person I’ve ever met.”“Me? I’m the furthest thing from cool,” Hunnigan laughed heartily.“Are you kidding me? You were in a rockband, and not just some bad garage band, but like an actual band, you have fans, you’re so smart and so fucking talented, and on top of that you’ve got that beforementioned tall, dark, and gorgeous-thing going on.”“I don’t think any of those things are as impressive as what you did.”“What do you mean?” Helena frowned.“You enlisted at seventeen and went overseas to save lives, and based on what I’ve seen you did a helluva job at it, that’s far more impressive than anything I did,” Hunnigan shook her head and Helena smiled ruefully.“You make it sound like I had a choice.”“Oh...Helena, I didn’t...Oh, God, I’m sorry, I didn’t think that through, I’m so sorry.”“It’s all right,” Helena assured gently.“Okay, I can’t watch this anymore, it’s too much,” Hunnigan then changed the subject after a moment of somewhat awkward silence, nodding toward the TV.
“It’s fine by me, I was just about to call it a night anyway, it’s getting pretty late,” Helena said, and Hunnigan glanced at her watch.
“You have a point, I think I’ll come to bed too,” she agreed and Helena smiled at the phrasing. “Come” to bed, not “go”, because it was a bed they shared, and as silly as it maybe was, thinking about that made Helena feel warm and fuzzy inside.In the past couple of weeks going to sleep with Hunnigan and waking up next to her had become the routine. There’d been mornings she’d woken up to find herself practically tangled with Hunnigan, her ear to the taller woman’s heart, their limbs intertwined, and those mornings she would’ve given almost anything to never have to leave the bed. In a way the most brilliant part of it all was the fact that neither of them discussed any of it afterward, there was no need for that because somehow, wordlessly and effortlessly, sharing a bed had become the most natural thing in the world, there’d been no awkwardness about it.
Several minutes later, Helena lay awake still, listening to Hunnigan’s breath, secretly enjoying the warmth radiating from Hunnigan’s side to Helena’s back as they lay close to each other, almost touching but not quite. After taking another moment to listen carefully, she determined from the depth and pace of Hunnigan’s breath that she was still awake too.
“Hey,” she whispered after turning to face Hunnigan.“Mmm?” she muttered a response and though it was too dark to see the movement, Helena could hear the swish of Hunnigan’s hair brushing against the pillowcase as she turned her face toward Helena.
“Can we talk for a bit?” she asked.“Sure, what’s on your mind?” Hunnigan said and Helena moved a little to get into a more comfortable position only to hit her forehead against Hunnigan’s elbow.“Ow, shit,” she hissed.“Sorry, sorry, sorry, here I go again with my horse-limbs, are you—”“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had your hands behind your head and elbows out,” Helena chuckled awkwardly as she rubbed the point of impact to expel the dull ache.
“Still there,” Hunnigan said when Helena felt around for the location so she’d know to avoid it. “And that’s my armpit, I will hurt you if you tickle me,” she added, a smirk audible in her voice.“I wasn’t going to, I’m just trying to figure out where I can put my head,” Helena scoffed amusedly.
“Just put it on my arm,” Hunnigan offered, and Helena was certain she could hear a faint trace of nervousness in her voice. She couldn’t tell if it was good or bad nervous, though.She rested her head on Hunnigan’s bicep and inhaled sharply when she felt Hunnigan’s breath brush against her lips and realized just how close they were.
“How do you keep your feet so soft?” Helena asked and Hunnigan laughed a little.“That’s what you wanted to talk about?” she asked, and Helena felt a cascade of tingles run up her leg and along her spine when Hunnigan made a point of rubbing her foot against Helena’s shin.“No, but I just realized it and want to know,” Helena muttered with a smile, adjusting her leg a little, encouraging the touch.“Obscene amounts of lotion, that’s why my socks are always squishy,” Hunnigan replied. “So, what was on your mind?” she then inquired and Helena had to take a second to comprehend Hunnigan was expecting an answer; her mind was still preoccupied with the subtle touches.
It wasn’t like they hadn’t been close to each other before, held each other even, but this time it felt...different. Somehow more intimate. The touches weren’t just superficial and casual, if anything they were failed attempts to seem accidental when in reality they were very much done with purpose.
Does she want me, like I want her?
“I, uh...just wanted to say that I’m really glad you got snowed in with me that day. I don’t even want to imagine where I’d be if you hadn’t and if we hadn’t become friends,” Helena began and swallowed hard against her heart pounding in her chest when she felt the tip of Hunnigan’s nose touch her own. So close. Oh, God, how am I supposed to not kiss her? she thought and pinched her lips together tightly to prevent herself from doing what her body was demanding her to do; all it would take would be the tiniest nudge forward, and finally she’d—
“I’m glad too, really glad, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Hunnigan said and Helena could hear the smile in her voice.
“Also, I wanted to apologize for having overstayed my welcome, I have actually been looking for a place but it’s kind of challenging to scrounge up first month’s rent and the deposit, especially since this furlough leaves me with only two thirds of my salary, and—”“It’s okay, trust me, you can...I mean...you haven’t overstayed, I like having you here. Frankly, I...” Hunnigan trailed off slowly and Helena held her breath when she felt Hunnigan move her hand to cup Helena’s face.
“Yeah?” she encouraged her to continue, closing her eyes at the gentle touch, turning her head slightly to press her cheek more into Hunnigan’s palm.“I want you to stay.”“Y-you do?” Helena stammered a little.“Yes, very much so,” Hunnigan confirmed and slid her hand over Helena’s cheek, resting her fingers gently on the back of Helena’s neck, caressing her face with her thumb.“If you’re sure.”“Of course I am,” Hunnigan chuckled a little.“...I would love to stay.”“Helena?”“Yes?”“...may I kiss you?”“I think I might just die if you don’t.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Helena, you’re practically skipping, what’s got you in such a good mood and on a Monday of all days? Have they reinstated you?” Leon asked when he ran into her at the DSO. “And who’s this stylish fella?” he asked and leaned down to greet Junkhouse-Charlie who stood dutifully at Helena’s side, a red bandana loosely tied around his neck, a detail Hunnigan’s son had insisted on after having seen a dog on TV wear one. She introduced the dog to Leon who gently ran his hand over the dog’s head.“I came here to see about doing desk duty,” she said. It was beginning to seem that Doctor Wilkes had no intention of clearing Helena for field duty any time soon, and she was quickly getting more than a little bored, and as boring as desk duty was, it still beat staying at Hunnigan’s apartment doing nothing all day. Correction, staying at home, she mentally revised herself, still not quite used to the thought. Granted, it had only been a couple of days since she’d given herself the permission to call it home.“You can’t be that happy about the prospect of desk duty,” Hawke commented as she walked up to them with a coffee mug in her hand. Helena repeated the introductions with Hawke who also took a moment to greet Charlie, telling him she was certain her dog Grunt would love to meet Charlie and hang out with him some time.“Good to see you,” she then smiled and reached to give Helena a half-hug, to which she responded in kind.
“Likewise, and you’re right, that’s not it, especially since I apparently don’t qualify even for desk duty around here nowadays,” Helena said, feeling a ridiculous grin spread on her face, the expression contradicting her words. “I spent yesterday in bed with the most amazing woman,” she sighed happily. It was a slight exaggeration, she and Hunnigan had gone out to the park with Seeley before taking him over to Major’s house, and they’d taken a couple of long walks with Charlie, and done their everyday chores, but beyond that they hadn’t left the bed.
“In bed? You told me you don’t like sex,” Hawke pouted and Helena rolled her eyes with a smile, aware of the quirked eyebrow Leon directed at her in silent question, obviously wanting to know why would Hawke know that detail about her. At least he had the common sense not to ask out loud.“I don’t, we didn’t have sex, it was better than sex! We held each other and talked and kissed,” Helena listed.“Gross,” Hawke smirked and pretended to stick a finger down her throat to emphasize her disgust.“Don’t listen to her, you deserve to be happy and in love, and I’m happy for you,” Leon smiled sincerely.
“Thanks,” Helena smiled back.“And I’m just busting your balls, I’m happy for you too,” Hawke chimed in, “but now the people want to know who is the mystery lady?” she added then and Helena hesitated. She had no idea if she was allowed to tell, she hadn’t discussed it with Hunnigan. Knowing her, Helena suspected she would prefer keeping her personal life well-guarded from the office gossips. Fortunately, Helena didn’t need to resort to outright lying because a sudden and a very loud yell drew everyone’s attention.“You did what!”“Uh-oh,” Hawke winced, seeming to have an idea of what had upset Hunnigan badly enough to start yelling.
“What’s going on?” Helena questioned and Hawke made an uncomfortable sound.“Well, a couple of weeks ago Skylark and I went to check up on a guy who got picked up by biosecurity officers at the airport. The suspect set off all the alarms but none of the tests available over there told them what exactly was the problem, just that there was one, so we went in and tried to question the guy but he wasn’t talking, so...we had him moved to Shadow post...without clearing it with Hunnigan first,” she explained.
“Oh, shit,” Leon said and clamped his hand over his chin and rubbed his unshaven cheeks causing a raspy scratching sound. “That would piss Hunnigan off,” he scoffed amusedly.“I’m sorry, what, what is happening?” Helena asked, and Leon chuckled.“Aw, listen to baby-agent here,” he said and raised his hand with the intention to ruffle Helena’s hair and she dodged and swatted his hand away, held up her index finger in front of him and gave him a death glare until he raised his arms in surrender and took a step back.“Shadow post is what people like to refer to as a black site,” Hawke elaborated.“We...the DSO has a black site?” Helena frowned, then wanted to slap herself for almost stating that it was illegal but that would’ve been like pointing out that water is wet and fire is hot. It came as no surprise that the agency nicknamed “The president’s sword” would operate above the law to some extent at least, or that everyone was at the very least willing to turn a blind eye to their indiscretions.
The only surprise here was that Helena genuinely had thought better of the DSO. In the agency’s defense, that was on her; they hadn’t given her any reason to assume they were better than the military or the CIA, but she had anyway. She’d thought they were above unlawful detainment, torture, murder...but evidently not. What made it worse was realizing Hunnigan knew, and evidently didn’t shy away from going that far or turning to look away from the atrocities committed in the name of the ends justifying the means. I’m not even sure I want to work here anymore...but what else am I supposed to do, it’s not like anyone would hire someone with my track record, Helena thought.“Yeah, we just came back to give a debrief of what’s been done so far and get advice on how to proceed,” Hawke said. Helena didn’t ask for more details, certain that Hawke wasn’t in a position to disclose any, especially not to her, the DSO’s infamous and very publicly disgraced problematic rookie agent who’d by now spent more time on furlough than actually working.The door to Hunnigan’s office opened and Skylark marched out, followed shortly by Hunnigan. No one brought up the yelling from earlier but rather pretended they hadn’t even heard it.“Hey, uh, I was just about to go grab some lunch, you guys wanna join me?” Leon asked.
“I could eat,” Helena nodded.“Yeah, sure. What about you?” Hawke asked Hunnigan.“Sorry, I can’t right now,” she shook her head as she walked past them, but took a moment to pet Charlie’s head and then paused to softly touch Helena’s upper arm while continuing on her way, telling her she’d see her later.“See you,” Helena smiled at her and noticed the way Leon and Hawke exchanged a knowing glance and a smirk.
After a short walk to the nearby diner, they were seated in a booth and making their orders, Charlie taking a spot under the table, settling to lay at Helena’s feet. Once the waitress had gone to deliver the order, Hawke leaned her elbows to the table, pressed her palms together and made a steeple of her fingers, resting her chin upon it. Leon crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in the corner of the booth, grinning a little bit, and Helena barely resisted the urge to reach over and smack that look off his face.“Where were we? Ah, yes, you were about to tell us who the woman you literally just slept with is,” Hawke said and wiggled an eyebrow.
“Why would I tell you, I don’t kiss and tell. And most importantly, why do you care?” Helena laughed and took a drink from the glass bottle of Mexican Coke she’d ordered.“I just need to know if I was right, so all you gotta do is just confirm what I already know,” Hawke said, sounding very confident in herself. Granted, with good reason, but Helena didn’t want her to know that.
“And what is it that you think you know?” she quirked an eyebrow.“That it’s obviously none other than a certain tall intelligence liaison.”“How would you react if I told you that you’re wrong?”“I’d be disappointed in you for being a liar,” Hawke said.“I’ve known Hunnigan for ten years and she’s never touched my arm or given me a smile as nice as the one she just gave you,” Leon chimed in and Helena scoffed.
“Yeah, there’s a reason women don’t generally touch men like they do other women, and it’s because y’all tend to think that it means we want to fuck you even if we’re just being friendly, so sorry, but lack of physical contact with you means absolutely nothing,” Helena said.“She’s right, you know,” Hawke nodded and then turned her attention back to Helena, “but that said, Hunnigan isn’t as touchy-feely with me, nor have I seen her be that way with any other female agent either.”“She touched my arm as she was walking by, that’s not touchy-feely!”“What about the breastmilk-incident?” Leon interjected and Helena gave him the most furious glare she could muster before proceeding to kick his shin under the table, startling him and Charlie.
“The what-incident?” Hawke blinked in surprise.“She drank Hunnigan’s breastmilk,” Leon grinned evilly while rubbing the sore spot on his shin and Helena buried her face in her hands, wondering if she could convince Charlie to tear out Leon’s throat.
“For the love of...No, I didn’t, not in the way you’re imagining it anyway! There was nothing sexual about it, she had some in her fridge when she was still breastfeeding her son, I thought it was just milk and put it in my coffee, I didn’t know, okay, so stop making it sound filthy, you perverts,” Helena groaned.
The waitress came by with their meals, and judging from the look on her face, she’d heard just enough the conversation to regret having heard it. Helena had never felt this level of embarrassment, not even when the notorious breastmilk-incident had happened.
“So, how’s everyone doing? I see the agency is still running without me, disappointing but expected,” Helena changed the subject
as she dug into her chicken sandwich, cut out a piece of meat and gave it to Charlie before proceeding to take a bite herself.
“You know, same old, same old,” Hawke shrugged.“I am going to be off-duty for the rest of the year. And before you make assumptions, no, I wasn’t ordered to, I’ve just got a ton of vacation time accumulated and I told Shepard he’d better give me time off or I’ll ask for the overtime in cash instead,” Leon chuckled and ate a chunk of the breaded catfish fillet he’d ordered.
“That sounds like fun, any plans?” Hawke asked.“I’m going on a road trip with Claire, we’re gonna ride across the country on motorcycles. I know it’s getting a bit late in the season for that, but we’ll head South, it’ll be fine,” Leon smiled.“The same Claire you embarrassed by drunkenly screaming about that Neil-guy under her window?” Helena taunted, and Leon blushed.“It’s beginning to sound like you two have a lot of inside stories I gotta get in on,” Hawke chuckled.Helena waited for Charlie to get into the backseat of Hunnigan’s Audi A4 and sat in the driver’s seat once he’d settled into his spot.
Oh, right, horse-legs, Helena smiled a little when she realized she needed to pull the seat forward noticeably to be able to drive, and just as she did that, Hunnigan sat into the passenger’s seat and in contrast to Helena’s action, she hit her knee against the glovebox.
“God...damn it!” she hissed and rubbed her knee vigorously to ease the pain. “I knew that was gonna happen, why don’t I ever learn?”“Want me to kiss it better?” Helena asked and Hunnigan smiled.“Maybe later,” she said, adjusting the seat and opening her laptop, the main reason Helena was doing the driving being that Hunnigan wanted to keep working during the drive home.
“So, is there anything I can help you with?” Helena asked, started the car and began making their way out from the parking garage.
“I’m just...I have a gut feeling that something’s not right about this case. I mean, this guy was caught with an unknown viral agent because he got pulled aside for a ‘random’ screening by the TSA,” Hunnigan muttered.“And?”“And if you were attempting to smuggle a viral sample from Europe to the US, why would you choose a smuggler who would almost certainly get caught because of racial profiling? The racism is an open secret so if you want to successfully smuggle something in, get a smuggler who’s the modern equivalent of the white housewife from the fifties,” Hunnigan said, and Helena pursed her lips as she thought about it and sadly had to agree with Hunnigan’s point.“Did they actually find a sample on him?” Helena continued questioning, a theory beginning to form in her mind the more she thought about it.“No, but he came in contact with something that’s a major red flag.”“So, we don’t know what the virus is exactly?”“We don’t, just that it definitely looks like a biological weapon, there’s some resemblance to known substances but nothing we can pinpoint...which is troubling because it just means it might be a new mutation against which we have no vaccines,” Hunnigan blew out a breath and ran her hand through her hair in frustration.“I take it the smuggler hasn’t said anything,” Helena cleared her throat a little, already knowing he hadn’t based on what she’d overheard earlier.
“No. I don’t get it.”“Maybe he wanted to get caught. Or, the person who hired or coerced him wanted him to get caught.”“But why?” Hunnigan frowned.“...maybe it’s a trap. He didn’t have a virus on him, maybe he’s infected. Maybe he wanted to expose people at the airport or maybe he knew he’d be caught and the DSO or any other government agency is the target,” Helena theorized.
“We’ve had him in custody for a couple of weeks now, he hasn’t shown any symptoms,” Hunnigan shook her head a little.“We have, have we?” Helena muttered.“What does that tone of voice mean?” Hunnigan asked.“I just...overheard Hawke say the suspect has been moved to a black site. And...I just didn’t think sending people to Shadow post would be something you’d do,” Helena shrugged one shoulder.
“Please, believe me, I don’t condone it, but sometimes—”“Yes, I am aware of all the excuses, and I know, a little torture in exchange for countless of lives saved shouldn’t even be a debate if you ask some people, but I don’t like it,” Helena interrupted.
“It’s not torture, not the way you think, and I’m willing to—”
“—willing to do whatever the fuck it takes to end this God damn war!” Jane’s voice crashed through Helena’s mind out of the blue and for a few seconds she could clearly see the redhead’s furious face in front of her as she had the day she’d yelled those words into Helena’s face when Helena had questioned her humanity when she’d expressed her support for the soldiers accused of murdering civilians and planting assault rifles on the bodies afterward to make it look like they’d instigated the violence.“—live with those things on my conscience if it means it was necessary and worth it,” Hunnigan defended her view before turning her attention to her laptop, beginning to type out an email, undoubtedly to whoever was on location at the black site to let them know of Helena’s theory.Helena didn’t comment, still debating whether to get into it with Hunnigan now or not. It would happen eventually, it would need to because Helena had no intention of just accepting it, but this perhaps wasn’t the right time.Helena pulled to a stop at a red light and sighed. She sincerely hoped the suspect had been tested properly for every known virus. Just because there’d been no symptoms didn’t mean he wasn’t infectious. Had the agent in charge of the field operation been anyone other than Skylark, Helena would’ve felt more at ease.
“Has it ever not been worth it? Is the DSO responsible for illegally detaining and interrogating people who genuinely hadn’t done anything wrong?” Helena questioned despite herself and Hunnigan exhaled deeply, took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose, a long silence hanging over them as Hunnigan didn’t answer. The light turned green.“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Helena said, deciding to spare Hunnigan from having to lie.“What are—”
The next thing Helena knew, she felt herself being violently thrown to the left, a loud crash of screeching metal, breaking glass, and the hellish noise of a car horn blaring faintly registering before she lost consciousness after the impact, her head resting against the cracked driver’s side window.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena came to when she felt Charlie licking her face and heard him whine and whimper.
“What..oh, shit. Okay...okay, good boy, okay, hold on...” she breathed, reached to gently pat him and took a few seconds to get her bearings and figure out what had happened. Someone had run a red light and hit them as they’d been crossing the intersection. Helena knew she shouldn’t move around excessively, but decided that since she couldn’t feel any immediate aches and pains, she could risk it.
“...Hunnigan?” she muttered and reached over to feel her neck, letting out a tiny sigh of relief at the steady pulse she felt beat against her fingertips. She looked down and the amount of blood she saw was somewhat alarming, as was the way Hunnigan’s legs were pinned underneath the caved in dashboard, there was a wound on Hunnigan’s leg left behind by a sharp piece of twisted metal, but Helena couldn’t see a heavy flow of blood hemorrhaging nor did she see any bones protruding anywhere; that gave her some hope that the situation wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.Charlie whined in the backseat and Helena looked over to him. He seemed to be all right physically, just stressed and scared. He’d been behind the driver’s seat, furthest place away from the point of impact, the front of the car having taken the most of the damage.“Okay, it’s okay buddy, we’re okay,” Helena tried to comfort him and then turned to try and open the door. Of course it didn’t open, why would anything be easy?With a groan she pulled back, turned sideways and leaned over to the passenger’s side, drew her knees to her chest and kicked the window repeatedly until it shattered and she could crawl out through it. She captured Charlie into her arms as he followed her, and carried him over the sharp shrapnel on the road and ordered him to stay, which he reluctantly did.
“There’s been a car accident, we need an ambulance,” she heard someone say to a phone, and she went over to the young man talking to the dispatcher.
“And the fire department, advise them that the victim is pinned,” Helena said and the young man repeated this into the phone.
Come on. Not now. Not now, not now, not now, Helena ranted mentally as she felt herself starting to lose her grip on where she was and what was happening, her mind glitching back to Afghanistan, fragmented flashes of the aftermath of hitting an IED crossing her mind and dragging her down, threatening to paralyze her. Charlie disobeyed his order and jogged over to her, pawing at her leg to get her attention and stuck his nose into her palm.
“Thanks, boy. Good boy, okay, good Charlie,” Helena told him, kissed the top of his head and went back to the car when the ambulance and the fire department arrived at the scene. The paramedic insisted that Helena gets checked out at the hospital, stating that she could have a concussion, but she had no intention of going anywhere.“I’m fine! Don’t worry about me, help her!” she snapped, pointing at the wreck.“Her legs are encased, we’re gonna have to cut her out of there, but we need to stabilize her neck first,” a firefighter said.“It’s too tight for me to get in there, and she’s still unconscious,” the paramedic commented after peeking in.“I can get back in the same way I got out,” Helena said and without waiting for the rescue workers’ approval, she climbed back in through the broken window and then shimmied her way over to the backseat. The paramedic instructed her to put her hands on either side of Hunnigan’s head, and Helena complied.
“Helena..?” Hunnigan mumbled groggily.“I’m here, try not to move, okay?”
“What happened?”“We were in an accident, but everything’s okay, I promise, I’m right here, you’re gonna be fine, just don’t move,” Helena reassured as she supported Hunnigan’s head with her hands.“Here, put this around her neck, chin goes there,” the paramedic said and handed Helena a neck support, and she carefully put it in place.
“She’s got a pretty deep-looking wound on her thigh and she’s bleeding a lot, we have to get her out,” Helena told him.
“I understand but we need to stabilize her first. Here,” he said and handed her a bag of saline. “Look for a
big vein and slide the needle parallel to her arm, toward yourself,” he instructed and Helena nodded repeatedly. This she knew how to do and it didn’t take long for her to get the cannula in and hook up the tubing.
“We’re gonna get you out of here, don’t worry, just don’t move, almost done,” Helena kept repeating as she squeezed the bag in her hand to set the fluid in motion.
“All right, I want you to put this over her and yourself so you won’t get injured, we’re gonna have to break the windshield and the rear window before we cut you out of there, okay? There’s gonna be a lot of loud noise, but you’ll be safe,” a firefighter assured and handed Helena two coats.
Helena hung the vinyl bag between her teeth and draped the firefighter’s coat over Hunnigan and then over herself, diving underneath it so that the firefighters could do their job.“We’re gonna get you out of there, just hang on, almost there, I promise, just hold on,” Helena said into Hunnigan’s ear and gently kissed her temple as the loud creaking noise could be heard as the heavy machinery pried the crushed car apart, separating the caved in front from the body, then proceeded to cut through the pillars.
“All right, her legs are free,” a firefighter called out and Helena dug herself and Hunnigan out from underneath the coats.“Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to exit the vehicle so we can fit the spine board in,” the paramedic told Helena once the roof of the car had been removed.“No, Helena, don’t leave,” Hunnigan cried out when the younger woman moved.“I’m right here, I’m gonna be right next to you, I promise,” Helena said, her left hand around the bag of saline, the other now firmly squeezed in Hunnigan’s panicked grip.
She stood by the wreck when the paramedics carefully went to slide the board between Hunnigan and the car seat, strapped her in and finally pulled her out of the wreck and carried her to the ambulance, Helena getting in with them.“Can someone, please, bring my dog Charlie? Please, he’s—”“I’ve got it, ma’am,” one of the firefighters promised with a smile before shutting the ambulance doors and they began heading toward the hospital.“I think I’m a bad luck charm. First you get snowed in with me, then you have a heart attack and now this,” Helena chuckled through tears. Hunnigan offered a weak smile as the paramedics checked her blood pressure and got her started on pain medicine after deeming it safe.
“Maybe...you’re my good luck charm...always there to save me,” Hunnigan said tiredly and closed her eyes, her grip loosening, her hand slipping away from Helena’s.“What the fuck happened?” were the first words out of Hunnigan’s mouth when she opened her eyes and seemed to realize she was in a hospital bed, Nolan and Helena sitting by her side.“Some brat ran a red light while joyriding in a stolen SUV and crashed into us. Not a scratch on him, but you got a concussion and a fractured humerus, and your legs are pretty banged up but amazingly and thankfully nothing’s broken worse than that,” Helena summarized.
The bed Hunnigan was in had been raised so that she was sitting upright, her right arm was in a sling, a sturdy brace covering it from shoulder to elbow, her wrist resting in a narrow sleeve that was attached to the strap tightened across Hunnigan’s chest. She didn’t seem to be in any pain but Helena was certain it was mostly because she was under a heavy dose of painkillers, and judging from the drowsy and somewhat sheepish look on her face, Helena supposed said painkillers were a member of the opioid-family.
“Are you all right?” Hunnigan asked.“Yeah, just banged my head and bruised my ribs a little, nothing to worry about,” Helena assured.“My head feels weird.”“It’s because you’re high,” Nolan smirked and Hunnigan laughed.“You jelly, bro?”“Yes, very much,” he chuckled.
“They want to keep you overnight for observation,” Helena then said and Hunnigan nodded a little, having trouble keeping her eyes open. She sucked on her upper lip for a moment before jutting her jaw out and grazing her lower teeth over her lip so it looked like she was trying to eat her own head.“Hey. You,” she said suddenly, smacking her mouth open and pointed at Helena who raised her eyebrows in a silent question. “I’ve totally forgotten your name.”“You’ve forgotten my...you’ve known me for over three years!”“And what an impression you’ve made! I wanna say...Jeanne.”“Jean? That’s my middle name,” Helena chuckled after taking a moment to figure out that was what Hunnigan had said because she’d used the French pronunciation.“What was I doing?”“When?”“It had something to do with corn.”“...okay, you’ve lost me, and I’m beginning to worry this isn’t just the opiates talking, I’m gonna go get a doctor,” Helena said and was about to exit the room, but Nolan stopped her.“They’re not gonna do anything, they already did all the tests, she’s just high, trust me, I know what it looks like,” he assured her.“I need a nap, and to remember what I was doing,” Hunnigan muttered. “Why am I thinking about corn?” she frowned, mostly talking to herself at this point.
“I guess we should go, nothing we can do here,” Nolan said and Helena sighed.
“Yeah, and I gotta take Charlie home,” she said. “Ingrid? I’ll come pick you up tomorrow, okay?”“Sure, sure. Cool,” Hunnigan nodded. “Pick me up from where?”“Just...get some rest,” Nolan laughed before exiting with Helena. They walked over to Nolan’s car where Charlie waited in the comfortably air conditioned vehicle behind a note that informed passers by about it so no one would break in to rescue him. Nolan unlocked the doors and Helena let Charlie out.“Do you need a ride?”“No, I think we’ll walk, but thanks,” she told Nolan, said goodbye and began heading home.“Hey, good to see you’re all right and that your buddy made it,” one of the paramedics from before said as Helena walked by the entrance to the hospital.“Oh, hey, you’re still here,” she said.“I’m here again, ” he corrected with a rueful smile as he leaned to pet Charlie.“Thanks for your help earlier.”“It’s my job, glad to see y’all made it out alive. You held your own back there, a lot of people would've panicked,” he then complimented, and Helena shrugged one shoulder.“I was a medic in the army and served in Afghanistan, so I’ve seen a lot worse.”“No shit? Well, that would require a cool head I imagine,” he agreed. They chatted a few moments longer before he had to get back to work, and as Helena watched him get in the ambulance with his partner, she realized she might have just figured out what she wanted to do for a living.Hunnigan was in a foul mood and made no attempt to hide it, hoping it would be enough to convince even Skylark that keeping her smartass comments to herself would be the wise thing to do today. She’d checked herself out from the hospital against medical advice the second the 24-hour observation period ended, and instead of going directly to surgery to fix her broken humerus with plates, she was here, working, because this could not wait.It wasn’t bad enough that her arm ached like hell and ibuprofen wasn’t enough but she couldn’t take anything stronger either because she needed a clear head now. What made it all worse was the news she’d gotten from HR accidentally after the officer who was in charge of the paperwork had emailed her instead of agent Harding who was Helena’s handler nowadays, and the reason the paperwork was upsetting was because it was a copy of Helena’s letter of resignation. I put my ass on the line for her and she just quits and doesn’t even tell me personally, I have to hear about it by accident? I think I’m owed a bit more than that, Hunnigan thought furiously, and was glad she was not anywhere near Helena at the moment; even she wasn’t immune to saying things she didn’t mean when she was angry.
Hunnigan was in Shenandoah Valley, Virginia, sitting in the backseat of one of the agency’s SUVs with agent Skylark, heading toward an ordinary looking farmhouse along a dirt road, a vast field of corn extending behind the building as far as the eye could see, a wall of dark green forest edging the field in the distance. Further away stood a silo and a barn, neither any longer used for their intended purpose since the DSO had bought the land and buildings on it several years ago and planted a pair of agents to work the farm. On the surface the silo and the barn were remnants of a time before the farmhouse had been built to the other edge of the field, abandoned after becoming obsolete when the new barn and the new silo had been built closer to the house. On the inside they hid an entrance to Shadow post.Upon arrival, a farmer/agent welcomed Hunnigan and offered her coffee, which she declined, stating she wanted to get to work. Without further pleasantries, Skylark began
to escort Hunnigan to the silo, and the long walk among the field of corn did nothing to improve Hunnigan’s mood, especially since she was more than certain Skylark was letting the leaves smack into her on purpose, knowing she wouldn’t stay too far behind because the last thing she needed was to get lost in the corn.“Welcome to Shadow post,” Hawke said ceremoniously, waiting at the barn for them, standing by the floorboards that had been pulled aside to reveal a secret door to the underground facility.
“Thank you,” Hunnigan muttered as she walked down the steps and through another door which led to the surveillance area, the space rather narrow and small. Beyond the door to the left of the desk and beyond the soundproofed wall was the windowless cell where their guest, one mister Patel, was sitting in the middle of the room, handcuffed to a metal table that was bolted to the concrete floor. Aside from the table and one chair, the room had no furnishings, only two large speakers and four cameras mounted on each of the walls filming everything that happened in the brightly lit room.“Did you get demoted or why are you slumming it here with us?” Skylark smirked, a snarky callback to when Hunnigan had reminded her of outranking her.
“How long has he been there?” Hunnigan asked, not acknowledging Skylark’s words.“Since yesterday. We had him in the room in the safehouse until then,” Hawke answered. Calling it a room made it sound like a comfortable place to stay, like a hotel room, which it certainly was not. Granted, staying there had to be less humiliating than what it was like here, where he’d been stripped from his clothes, forced to stay awake, and given no option but to use the floor if he needed the toilet because the cell did not include said facilities. Although, judging from the log Hunnigan was reading, he probably had very little need for the toilet since he’d been given nothing but just enough water to keep him alive in the last 36 hours.“Has he said anything?”“Nope,” Skylark answered.“Have all the people he came in contact with been quarantined?” she asked and Skylark scoffed.“Are you serious? The dude flew over from Germany, how the hell are we supposed to determine who he came in contact with? Not to mention that by the time we got to the scene, every other passenger on the plane had already left,” she snapped.“I didn’t mean that, I meant the staff at the airport,” Hunnigan sighed in exasperation. You really need me to state the obvious for you, huh, you dumbass, she added mentally.
“Yes, and they haven’t shown any signs of infection,” Hawke answered.“So we can assume that if he’s infected with something it isn’t airborne at least,” Skylark added.“Except he doesn’t appear to be showing any signs either so if he’s infected, it could be that whatever it is, it’s still in its incubation period.”“Always with the silver lining huh,” Skylark remarked sarcastically. “What are you even doing here?”“I wanted to see him.”“What’s there to see?” Skylark scoffed and Hunnigan rolled her eyes. She didn’t think he would speak to her either, but this wasn’t about him, it was about her. It was about what Helena had said when Hunnigan had called her to ask her about the letter of resignation.She’d told Hunnigan it was beginning to seem obvious she wouldn’t be getting back to field duty anyway thanks to her mental problems, and most importantly, even if she was allowed back, she didn’t want to work for an agency that condoned torture, and in the same breath she’d made it clear she couldn’t believe Hunnigan would condone it either.
The thing was, she didn’t condone it, not blindly, not without a just cause. Would she approve of torturing a pedophile to get information about a ring of others and possibly save countless children from falling victim to them? Absolutely. Would she approve of torturing an elderly parent to find out the location of their criminal child? Never.
Helena, however, didn’t see shades of gray and no matter how Hunnigan had justified it to her, she stood her ground and challenged Hunnigan to go see her handiwork for herself. It was easy to authorize trips to black sites when all you had was a name and an accusation; Helena had stated Hunnigan would feel differently if she had to see the suspect and have to accept that despite their presupposed criminal status, they were a person.
But I don’t feel differently , Hunnigan thought as she looked at the screen and the man displayed on it. He was slumped over the table, covering his head with his arm, probably trying to get a moment of rest, but every time he seemed to nod off, Skylark hit a button to bring up the brightness of the lamps in the room and played loud metal music (that mostly just sounded like someone crashing things and screaming) to wake him up.
He could end this every time he wants to, all he has to do is talk, but he is choosing not to, it’s not my fault, it’s his own. It’s his own for even getting mixed up in this in the first place, he had to know this could happen.
Unless of course, he’d been coerced. It wasn’t underheard of, but if that were the case, Hunnigan suspected he would’ve told them as much.
Hunnigan didn’t bother explaining herself to Skylark, rather focused on the screens when Hawke entered the room to give questioning the man another go. He stood up when Hawke entered the room and to everyone’s surprise, he smiled. Hawke opened her mouth to comment on that but before she could say a single word, he began to projectile-vomit, a thick black substance spewing from him and landing on Hawke, quickly covering her.
“What the fuck!” she spluttered and gagged. The man didn’t speak, once he was done vomiting, he collapsed on the table with a heavy thud, a smile still on his face, the black thick substance surrounding his mouth making his teeth appear unnaturally white.“Jer!” Skylark exclaimed and hurried into the room. “You okay?”“Do I fuckin’ look—” Hawke began to say, her words interrupted by a loud gag as she couldn’t fight it back, the contents of her stomach splattering to the floor as she threw up.“Get out of here and get a damn quarantine team in,” Skylark called out and Hunnigan let her know she was already on it.“Before I die, I must know...who is the big spoon, you or Helena?” Hawke asked dramatically as she sat on the bed that was inside a see-through a quarantine tent set up in the barn. She would remain there while the team prepared to transport her safely to the medical wing at the DSO headquarters where she’d continue being quarantined for two weeks provided the test results didn’t reveal anything alarming.
“Who said you’re dying?” Hunnigan frowned, and Hawke exhaled deeply.
“Fine, no one, on the contrary, aside from being quarantined, I’m just peachy,” she said and shrugged, the paper gown she wore crinkling as she did. “Do we know anything more yet?” she then asked.“Well, the samples taken from Mr. Patel’s body confirmed we’re not dealing with a virus which explains why we didn’t find anything in the initial tests. Sadly, that’s all we know so far, I’m hoping the autopsy will answer more questions.”“So if I’m lucky all I need is some antibiotics, that’s something,” Hawke said.“Could be you won’t even need that, you might not be infected at all.”“I’m pretty sure some of that shit ended up in my mouth, but then again, I did throw up, so maybe it didn’t have a chance to stay long enough to infect me.”Hunnigan nodded, told Hawke she’d check up on her and Skylark when they were all back in D.C. and at the DSO, and turned to leave. She paused at the door and turned to look over her shoulder.“Oh, and Jeri? To answer your question...I am,” she smirked.“I knew it!” Hawke yelled triumphantly and Hunnigan chuckled as she made her way to the car waiting to take her home.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Hunnigan got home, she found Helena asleep on the couch, the pamphlet from George Washington University on her chest implying she’d fallen asleep while reading it. Her laptop was on the coffee table, displaying a web page titled “EMT basic training program and requirements”. It appeared Helena was dedicated to becoming one, and while Hunnigan was glad to see her so excited about it, she would’ve been lying if she’d said she was okay with her just quitting the DSO. Then again, it’s not like I don’t understand her desire to leave since Wilkes hasn’t allowed her to work in months, Hunnigan sighed a little.
“Hey, you,” she whispered and nudged Helena gently to wake her up.“Oh, God, did you forget my name again?” the younger woman complained sleepily and Hunnigan laughed.“No, Helena, I didn’t,” she assured her.“Are you still mad at me?” Helena asked and sat up, yawning.
“I was never mad at you,” Hunnigan said and took a seat next to Helena.“You certainly were something at me,” Helena said and without Hunnigan needing to even ask, she tucked her fingers under Hunnigan’s jacket and eased it off her shoulders, tugging on the left sleeve while Hunnigan leaned in the opposite direction and slipped her arm out from it.
“I...just gave you some attitude,” Hunnigan tried dismissing casually, and Helena quirked an eyebrow. “Ugh, fine, maybe I was a little mad and perhaps a bit disappointed, but after having had time to think about it I’ve come to realize I have no right to be mad at you because it’s your life and your decision, and if you want to become an EMT, then that’s what you should do.”“It’s not like I don’t get it, I know you worked so hard for me at the DSO, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful for that because I’m not, but...I think we can both agree that the DSO isn’t my place,” Helena muttered. “Oh, I meant to ask you, would you write a letter of recommendation for me? I need one for my volunteer application,” she then said, grabbed the laptop and clicked on an open tab to show Hunnigan the page listing out the process of volunteering at the George Washington University hospital.“Of course,” Hunnigan smiled. “Did you know I studied at GWU?”“Yes and no,” Helena chuckled. “I recognized the logo but I didn’t remember where I’d seen it before until
I saw it on your shirt,” she explained and pointed at the photo collage which featured a photo of Hunnigan playing basketball, wearing a white uniform that had the university’s logo on it.
“So, your plan is to volunteer, get the basic certificate from GWU, get licensed, and get a job,” Hunnigan summarized and leaned back on the couch, grunting a little when her injury reminded her of how bad an idea it was to move around with it. It had only been a day, but she’d already come to realize how inconvenient it was having only one functioning arm while the other was immobilized by the fracture brace which had been strapped to her body for good measure. She was scheduled to have a plate put in tomorrow, and as much as she hated the idea of having surgery, she hated the idea of needing at least a year if not longer to fully recover and regain mobility more; the surgery allowed her to start the rehabilitation sooner. Not to mention it would save her the trouble of possibly having to wait for a couple of months only to be told she wasn’t healing as expected and would require surgery anyway.“Something along those lines, maybe see about studying more once I’ve gotten some experience,” Helena confirmed.
“Well...let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help.”“Just don’t be mad at me.”“I’m not! I wasn’t.”“You are,” Helena insisted and Hunnigan groaned.“I’m not mad at you , I’m just mad in general because my arm hurts and because the case I am working on is turning into a pain in the ass because I have to rely on Skylark and Hawke to investigate, and frankly, they’re both complete disasters compared to you,” she exhaled deeply.
“Are you trying to flatter me so I wouldn’t quit? Because as much as I do love the praise, I am not changing my mind,” Helena smirked and Hunnigan chuckled.“I’m saying it because contrary to what Skylark likes to think, I didn’t hire you for your tits and ass, I hired you because you’re good at your job,” she said and leaned to press gentle kiss onto Helena’s lips, still feeling somewhat hesitant about just doing it freely because a part of her was having difficulty adjusting to the fact that it was something she could do now and not just think about secretly on nights she couldn’t fall asleep.
She did wonder how long it would take before they would be completely comfortable with each other regarding this. As it was now, they both tended to pause as if to ask for permission before making contact, be it a kiss or a casual touch. It was all well and good for now, but Hunnigan sincerely hoped it wouldn’t last because if it did, there would never be a time when Helena would not hesitate to grab her and pin against the wall by pressing her body against Hunnigan’s while kissing her hard..
She couldn’t say why exactly the thought of getting picked up and thrown on a bed by a lover was so appealing to her. Probably had something to do with her having grown up reading and hearing stories about passionate love affairs, duels, and adventure that tended to all end in the same way; the hero getting the girl, picking her up and carrying her off to the sunset.
Then there were the stories her grandmother had told her about their revered ancestor, the pirate queen calling herself Isabela Black, a woman who certainly had existed but whose heroics and adventures had perhaps been exaggerated a little. Of course, Hunnigan hadn’t known that when she’d been just a kid, sitting at the kitchen table and listening to grandma-Alejandra tell the tale of Isabela (whose title always varied between Captain, Admiral, and Queen depending on how tipsy grandma-Alejandra happened to be at the time) setting her ship on fire and crashing it into the fleet chasing her to make a daring escape before swimming an impossible distance to safety where she met the love of her life the moment she set foot on the shore, and thus off to the sunset and the happy ending in her lover’s arms it was with her too.You don’t get picked up and carried away by the hero when you’re six-foot-one and therefore taller than the boy who is meant to be the hero doing the lifting. And if you were lucky enough to meet a girl who didn’t recoil at the mere suggestion of kissing other girls, it certainly was the tall tomboy who was expected to do the lifting.Hunnigan didn’t even know why it mattered so much to her or why she was thinking about it now; Hawke’s question about who was the big spoon in the relationship must’ve brought it up in her mind. That said, it was true that Hunnigan had always been the big spoon which according to all myths and stereotypes made her the boss and the supportive protector of the vulnerable little spoon. She didn’t recall even Major ever being the big spoon for her, least of all in the literal sense, on the contrary; they’d always slept back to back, facing away from each other (apart from the times they’d more or less fallen asleep on top of each other after late-night sex, but even then it had been temporary).
But Helena...she’s different. She has strong arms and a gentle heart, she would—
“You know you can talk to me about it if you want to, it’s not like I’d gossip about it, and I do have a security clearance,” Helena said, pulling back from the kiss, leaving Hunnigan feeling stunned and needing a moment to get her mind back on the subject they’d been discussing.“I can, but I don’t want to bother you with that stuff.”“Ingrid...” Helena said quietly and took Hunnigan’s left hand into her own, raised it to her lips and pressed a kiss on her knuckles. “Talk to me.”Hunnigan sighed, slowly pulled her hand from Helena’s and put her arm around the younger woman’s shoulders, and she leaned into Hunnigan, wrapping her arm around her midsection as she nuzzled the top of Helena’s head and pressed a kiss on it.
“You were right, the suspect was infected but with what, we don’t know yet, all we know was it wasn’t a virus. Hawke and Skylark are in quarantine, the suspect vomited on Hawke when she went to interrogate him,” she muttered into Helena’s hair.“...is Hawke okay?”“As far as we can tell, yes.”“That’s a relief.”“Agreed.”“So, what happened to the suspect?”“He died. We don’t know who he was, his passport was fake and running his face through the system we got a handful of hits but all for different names and identities, we have no way of knowing who he really was let alone who he worked for, or what his motive was.”“Sadly, I’m sure you’ll have a chance to find out since I doubt this was the last of it.”“Yeah,” Hunnigan exhaled, not really able or very interested in carrying on the conversation because the pulsating pain in her arm was becoming overwhelming, every heartbeat sending another thump of pain to the injury, radiating from there up to her shoulder and neck, and down to her wrist and hand.Helena noticed this and without asking went to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen and returned with a glass of water and bottle of pills. She poured out two tablets of OxyContin onto Hunnigan’s palm and she washed them down with water.
“Thank you,” she said as Helena put the empty glass away for her. “It’s ridiculous that I can give birth to a ten pound baby with no epidural or anything, but a little broken arm and I’m incapacitated.”“Why on Earth would you not take an epidural?” Helena asked and Hunnigan chuckled a little.“Because I’m an idiot who thought that if a doctor says the baby will be born on a certain date, the baby will respect that and will not arrive two weeks early, meaning I felt perfectly comfortable agreeing to play the band’s anniversary gig despite being nine months pregnant.”“Are you serious?” Helena scoffed.“Yes, and thus my son was born in the backstage of the Music Hall of Williamsburg.”“Okay, I’m sorry, but yes, you’re such an idiot.”“I know, but at least he’s got an interesting story to tell on first dates,” Hunnigan laughed and Helena did too, slowly growing more serious as she took a moment before speaking again.“I gotta ask...why do you work for the DSO? I mean, you’ve got all kinds of skills and talent, you wouldn’t have to—”“First of all...the band is just for fun, not a steady source of income, and I wouldn’t want to play for a living, having my livelihood depend on gigs would suck the fun out of it. Secondly, I know you’ve had your bubble burst regarding the methods we resort to at times, but the agency means a lot to me, it is my life’s work. I don’t want to quit. I don’t want you to quit either because I think you’re a damn good agent, but I understand your reasons,” Hunnigan explained. “Please, don’t hate me over this.”“I don’t. I wouldn’t. I just...don’t like it.”“It’s not like every suspect is hauled off to a black site where I personally flog them until they tell me what I want to hear. We don’t waterboard people, we don’t use stress poses, it’s just...sleep deprivation and isolation mostly, and I know that’s not harmless but it’s what we do when we’re not left with any other option. I understand why you don’t approve of it, but you have to agree that in some circumstances it is worth it.”“I’ve heard the speech before, and I still don’t agree with it. Furthermore, just because you don’t know of any waterboarding happening doesn’t mean it isn’t done.”“If using enhanced interrogation techniques on someone would have prevented your squad from getting ambushed in Afghanistan, don’t you think it would’ve been worth it?” Hunnigan asked and regretted saying it the moment she’d finished speaking. Helena stared at her in disbelief for a long moment, her jaw tightening as she bit her teeth together.“That’s a low blow,” she snapped, grabbed the empty glass from the coffee table and went to the kitchen, the sound of running water shortly following as she rinsed the glass before placing it in the dish rack.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”“Yeah, no shit,” Helena muttered as she walked out of the kitchen furiously.
“Where are you going?” Hunnigan asked when Helena put her boots and jacket on, then grabbed a leash and patted the side of her thigh to summon Charlie.“Out!” she snapped at Hunnigan and left, slamming the door behind her.“...ssshit,” Hunnigan hissed slowly, ran her hand over her face and sighed. Great. Just great. Helena was annoyed but not because of what Hunnigan had said but because she was right; the fact that Helena would’ve gone back and tortured the details of the ambush out of someone in heartbeat if given the chance to change the past made her a hypocrite which only added insult to injury.
“I guess this is what they call character growth,” Helena muttered to Charlie who sat by her as she stood in the apartment building’s courtyard, smoking. She’d taken a short walk with Charlie before returning here.Not so long ago a similar situation would’ve caused her to leave in a huff and stay gone, seething for days, unwilling to acknowledge that she too had been in the wrong. Now, however, the anger was...different. Still white hot, but not a priority. Taking the time to think about the consequences of her words and actions were more important than satisfying the idiotic yet often inevitable and overwhelming urge to hurt the other person in some way, to get the last word, to be the loudest before storming off refusing to listen to reason. Helena didn’t know if it was just that she didn’t want to hurt Hunnigan or if it was something that would apply to everyone. Regardless, she didn’t want to take this further.She didn’t want to wander around and end up at a bar, she didn’t want to drink too much and then smoke too much, and finally end up God only knew where and with whom, all done just because somewhere in the back of her mind she vehemently believed that making bad decisions and stupid mistakes which ultimately only hurt Helena, would somehow be the equivalent of getting even with Hunnigan.
Thinking about it now and realizing how incredibly idiotic it was, Helena didn’t even want to admit she’d never spared a second thought to that behavior until recently.
“Come on, let’s go home,” she said to Charlie, put out her cigarette and headed back inside.
“Oh, you’re back,” Hunnigan said when Helena entered the apartment and took Charlie’s leash off.“You’re surprised,” Helena commented as she hung her jacket and kicked off her boots.“Honestly, I am, I wasn’t expecting to see you until morning at the earliest,” Hunnigan muttered and Helena sighed deeply. Just when had Hunnigan learned to know her well enough to read her this accurately?
“Well, yeah, but this is, uh...it’s a new thing I’m trying, this whole thinking things through before going on a homicidal rampage,” Helena said somewhat awkwardly and Hunnigan smiled.“Thank you for coming back. Now...I know we probably need to talk more about this and everything but I’m really, really tired, and I have surgery in the morning, so...I need to get some sleep,” she said.
“Oh, of course, I’m...sorry. Do you need a hand with anything?” Helena inquired and Hunnigan nodded a little.
“Someone’s gotta undress me,” she grinned and Helena chuckled.They went to the bedroom and after arranging the pillows into a pile to help Hunnigan be able to sleep upright, she went to the dresser and sat by it as Helena helped free her arm from the sling it was in.
“I’ll be sure to include all of this in my letter of recommendation for you volunteering at the hospital,” Hunnigan said as Helena went to stand in front of her on her knees.“I appreciate it,” Helena said with a smile. She leaned closer to Hunnigan and began to unbutton the shirt she was wearing, both of them knowing this was not the thing Hunnigan needed assistance with —and given enough time and practice she probably would’ve managed on her own all the way— but Helena wanted to do this.
“Listen...I want you to know that I really am sorry about what I said. It was uncalled for.”“Maybe it was, but at the end of the day...you’re right. About everything. Let’s just call it even and leave it, talking about it in circles won’t change anything,” Helena said softly as she slowly continued unbuttoning Hunnigan’s shirt, the intimacy of the act not going unnoticed by either of them.
Helena suddenly felt her breath catch up in her throat when she noticed the way Hunnigan was regarding her; with a gentleness Helena didn’t think anyone had ever beheld her before. It made her feel vulnerable and even a little raw, definitely disarmed, but most importantly it made her feel loved, and it made her feel love so intense toward Hunnigan she swore she could feel her heart literally swell in her chest just thinking about her.
“Hunnigan..?” she said quietly once she was done unbuttoning the shirt.“Yes?”Helena wanted to tell her she loved her. They hadn’t said it to each other yet and despite what one might very easily assume after all the time they’d spent together just making out and cuddling, Helena didn’t want to leave it on that, she didn’t want to base it all on an assumption no matter how fair the assumption was.
“You have great taste in underwear,” she chickened out and Hunnigan chortled.
“Thank you,” she said as Helena eased the sleeve over Hunnigan’s left arm and then her injured right arm before pulling the shirt off completely. She was about to stand up and turn to look away to give Hunnigan some privacy to remove the recently complimented bra when Hunnigan grabbed the waist of Helena’s jeans.“Ah!” Helena yelped in surprise when Hunnigan pulled her back down and then to herself, wrapping her uninjured arm around Helena tightly.“I love you,” she said against the side of Helena’s neck, her voice quiet and earnest. “I love you,” she repeated, squeezing Helena tighter as she held onto her.
“I love you too,” Helena whispered and returned the embrace.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan blew out a long exasperated breath as she read the medical examiner’s email which stated she needed Hunnigan and the agent in charge of the case to come see the situation for themselves because words would not accurately convey what was happening. This meant Hunnigan would be stuck with Skylark for the day, and while she knew she had every right to take time off and delegate rather than get back to work only a week after having surgery on her humerus, she couldn’t. This was her case and she wanted to see it through, injured arm or not. Frankly, it had more to do with her distrust of Skylark’s ability to handle herself than Hunnigan’s own compulsion to keep all the strings at her own fingertips.
Hunnigan undressed in the locker room (missing Helena’s helping hands as she struggled to shake the sleeve of her jacket loose —she hadn’t worn a button up shirt but rather a loose T-shirt and her jacket over it, but it was proving complicated to manage the sleeve to slip over her hand without tugging on it with her other hand) and changed into the disposable HazMat coverall. She then used her teeth to pull on the glove over her uninjured left hand and grabbed the respirator.“Oh, for God’s sake,” she muttered agitatedly as she fought to get the mask in place with only one hand. She was almost willing to break protocol and just risk getting an infection if the damn thing slipped one more damn time.
Fortunately, it didn’t and she secured it before moving to the sterilization room which separated the morgue, quarantine, and the R&D department from the rest of the building.
“Thanks for coming,” Doctor Lara Cassia said through her mask as she took a moment to shake gloved hands with Hunnigan and Skylark before directing them to the morgue. When she removed the cloth covering Mr. Patel’s body, Hunnigan felt her jaw drop.
“What the fff—” Skylark muttered.“My thoughts exactly. I’ve been working for the DSO for a decade now but this is the weirdest shit I’ve seen so far,” Cassia said.The body had deformed and turned into a gray mass, fingers replaced by claws, the head looking like it was growing another head on top of it, only the new one had more teeth and less facial features. The earthy and stale smell of mold was easily detectable even through the respirator which meant it had to be extremely pungent.“What is this?” Hunnigan asked as she stared at the body, unsure what to make of it all, she’d never seen anything like it.
“The body is changing physically post-mortem, what looks like necrotic tissue is actually...mold,” Cassia said, took out a small flashlight and used her gloved hand to tilt the creature’s head back to expose its mouth.
“In the back you can see regular molars like you would on any human...and an eye,” she said as she shone the light down the creature’s throat where the part that normally would’ve had one’s uvula was now replaced by an eyeball, undoubtedly residue of the human victim the creature was growing out of.
“The brain matter is gone as are most of the internal organs aside from the intestine, it seems the mold is using the bacteria there as a growth platform. The skeletal matter is being re-purposed to form teeth and claws, so the limbs themselves are rather fragile.”“How contagious is this?” Hunnigan asked, feeling an uncomfortable knot tightening in her gut when she thought of how Hawke had been exposed to the vomit.
She showed no signs of infection but that was only a two-week period, it’s taken closer to a month for this to happen, she swallowed hard.
“Based on my analysis, you’d have to ingest it or have it enter your bloodstream to get infected,” Cassia said, causing Hunnigan and Skylark to exchange a knowing glance. Hunnigan felt her heart sink when she remembered what Helena had told her this morning about her plan to go visit Hawke who’d been sent home from quarantine the previous week; Helena had said they planned to watch a baseball game together and discuss the possibility of introducing Charlie to Hawke’s dog Grunt when he’d be brought home from Hawke’s uncle's house.
Not good, I have to call her and tell her to be careful.
“So, is this...dead? What is happening here?” Skylark frowned.“Well, yes and no. I mean, it’s alive like a petri dish full of bacteria would be, there’s active cells but it’s not alive as in it’ll get up and attack.”“And you’re sure of this?”“I mean, there’s no brain, it’s just mold, this thing isn’t any more dangerous than an expired cup of yogurt would be.”“None of this makes any sense,” Hunnigan muttered.
Why would anyone bother making something like this? It didn’t seem like a very effective bio-weapon compared to what she’d seen before. Unless this was just some stage in the creature’s evolution which would eventually render it more dangerous, perhaps it would emit spores or something equally difficult to contain if given the chance. Even then it seemed an ineffective weapon since clearly the incubation time was very long, people using bio-organic weapons weren’t known for their patience and willingness to sit and wait for results.
Maybe if you leave an infected body in an air duct or something but honestly, who does that? Hunnigan mused, mentally knocking wood, deciding it would be best not to give the enemy tactical advice, not even in her mind.
“Let’s not wait around to see what will become of this, dispose of it, please,” she told Cassia instead and the doctor nodded.“All right. I’ll take a few more samples and deliver the body to be incinerated.”“Thank you,” Hunnigan said before turning to hurry back toward the locker room, hoping that Helena was procrastinating or stuck in traffic rather than already at Hawke’s apartment.“Duuude!” a young man drawled happily and loudly from across the street and for a while Helena thought it was because he’d recognized her as the “DSO’s problem child” who’d recently been indicted of a very public murder, or then he also was a fan of Pittsburgh Pirates and recognized the team’s logo on Helena’s baseball cap, but then she realized that wasn’t it. He was still smiling at her widely and giving two thumbs up when she finally reacted, smiled back and held her thumb up as well. He was wearing the same hoodie Helena was. She’d gotten hers from Hunnigan who’d brought it to her when she’d stayed at the psychiatric hospital and Hunnigan had been advised that bringing patients comfortable clothes was always a good idea.The hoodie was decorated with the Del Rey family crest and the band’s name, Grandma Murder&her wayward scoundrels, circled the design. As popular and loved as the band was among the niche following it had, they weren’t a household name, Helena supposed the young man had never randomly met another person dressed in the same band apparel. Helena didn’t know why the band’s name was Grandma Murder&her wayward scoundrels but she assumed it had something to do with the pirate ancestor who dueled with her breasts exposed to let everyone know her opponents were bested by a woman. She’d have to ask Hunnigan about it later.Right now, she was finishing off a cigarette before heading into the apartment building where Hawke lived. She’d been a bit distracted on the phone and Helena was admittedly growing concerned for her. Hawke had shrugged it off as a side-effect of being isolated for weeks, and Helena couldn’t deny it might be just that. She certainly hoped it was just that.“Hawke?” Helena called out after receiving no answer to her knocks. She waited a while longer and was just about to phone her when Hawke finally opened the door.“Hey! Sorry, I was just in the shower,” she said, her short black hair still dripping water and messy after being hastily toweled.“Yes, I, uh, I can see that,” Helena cleared her throat awkwardly and only then Hawke seemed to realize she’d forgotten to wear a towel, or anything.“Oh, damn,” she laughed, “I’ve been by myself for so long I seem to have forgotten that clothes aren’t generally optional.”She excused herself and disappeared into another room for a while, instructing Helena and Charlie to come on in. Charlie sniffed the air and looked around the new surroundings, seeming a bit perplexed. Helena figured it was probably because he knew he was in another dog’s home —surely he could smell it— but there was no other dog to be seen.
“Hey, uh, what day is it?” Hawke called out from the bedroom and Helena frowned at the odd question.“Friday, September 26th. Why?”“Already?” Hawke questioned as she emerged from the bedroom, dressed in a black T-shirt and shorts.
“Why?” Helena repeated.“No reason, apparently I’ve just completely lost track of time, like, it’s all blurred into one long day. Either that or I’ve blacked out for a week,” Hawke laughed, knelt down and reached to pet Charlie, who happily let her coo over him.
“Aw, I miss my boy,” she smiled wryly as she gave Charlie a good scratch.“Where is Grunt?”“He’s still at my uncle's,” Hawke said, got up and gestured toward the living room, and Helena followed her.“I hope he and Charlie will get along, it’d be fun to take them to the park together. Most people I’ve met there tend to steer clear from me,” Helena said.“Why?” Hawke asked as she returned from the kitchen with two cold bottles of beer and sat next to Helena.“Oh, you know, the whole murder thing. Jane tried to clear my name but apparently people had stopped caring at that point and didn’t get the memo,” Helena said.“Oooh, right, right. Well, that blows.”“Yeah, and not just for me, but for the dogs too, Charlie would have so many dog friends if their owners didn’t decide their dogs can’t play with him because of me. Good thing I don’t have any kids, their lives would be ruined,” Helena laughed mirthlessly. Oh, God, she then thought as she saw the band’s logo on her shirt and realized Hunnigan was more or less a public figure and infamously had been photographed with Helena the day she’d bailed Helena out.
What if being associated with me has ruined her reputation? she wondered.
You mean ruined her reputation outside the DSO, too. Everyone questions her integrity because of you. You’re a menace, you ruin everything around you, Frances’s voice echoed through Helena’s mind and she sighed deeply. Even after months of therapy, the voice remained. Helena didn’t think she could ever scrub it off her brain completely.
And what do you think happens now that you quit the DSO and your sessions with Wilkes aren’t covered by their insurance, hmm? You didn’t think that through, did you.
No, she hadn’t, and she realized there would be no way she could afford the sessions in the future.
I’m so screwed, she thought numbly.
“Yeah well, their loss because you and Charlie are awesome,” Hawke’s voice returned her to the moment from her thoughts.
“Thanks,” she chuckled.
“So, who are we rooting for?” Hawke asked and Helena quirked an eyebrow.“You don’t know who’s playing?”
“I know who is playing but I don’t care enough to have a favorite team, I just like watching them play.”“The Buccos of course,” Helena said and pointed at her cap to draw Hawke’s attention to the team’s logo on it.
“Of course, and I totally should’ve known that,” Hawke drawled and Helena laughed.“I’m from Pittsburgh and one of the very few good childhood memories I have is from when I was twelve. My younger sister was at a sleepover with her friend so my grandmother dumped me on her neighbor Tommy so she could get drunk in peace. The PNC Park had just opened and Tommy took me to the game. The Buccos lost of course, to these fuckers nonetheless,” Helena said and pointed at the player from Cincinnati Reds shown on the television screen.
“But it was a good day regardless. I wasn’t being yelled at or beaten, I got to eat a ton of junk food, and Tommy bought me this hat. Best day ever.”“How is your life so sad!” Hawke asked and Helena chuckled, offering a shrug that silently said she had no idea.They then focused on watching the game, and as time went on, Helena noticed Hawke excused herself rather often and for rather long periods of time. At first she assumed Hawke was just one of those people who can’t drink beer without needing to use the bathroom every five minutes, but when she went to knock on the bathroom door after waiting for several minutes for Hawke to return, she realized that wasn’t where she’d gone; the door was open and the bathroom empty.
What is she doing? Helena thought, certain she’d heard a faint thud from the other side of the wall that bordered the bedroom.
Is she talking to someone? she frowned. Probably on the phone, Helena mused, exiting the bathroom after washing her hands.
When she returned to the living room she saw Hawke’s phone was on the coffee table.
What the hell is going on? she thought and turned the television’s volume down a little. She could’ve sworn she heard Hawke talk to someone.
“This is ridiculous,” she muttered and stood up. “Hawke?” she called out and marched to the bedroom door. She knocked on it before slowly beginning to push it open.“Hey, are you okay?” Helena asked as she stepped in. “Oh, my God...” she breathed when she saw the state of the room. The random piles of clothes thrown carelessly on the floor didn’t faze her, but what Hawke had done to the walls was enough to strike her silent.
The majority of the cream-colored wallpaper was covered in text of varying sizes, written in a feverish handwriting, some of the larger letters looking squiggly like Hawke had been fighting her own hand while writing it.
accept her giFT YOU MOTHERFUCKER GET OUT OF MY HEAD there is only ROT and ruin LEAVE ME ALONE ACCEPT HER GIFT you bring only DEATH ACCEPT HER GIFT the darkness must not be breached
“.. .what...is this?” Helena asked, but Hawke didn’t answer. She stood still in the middle of the room, her shoulders twitching like she was silently laughing but she wasn’t laughing, she was struggling. With what, Helena couldn’t tell.
“Hawke? What’s wrong?” Helena tried once more and put her hand on Hawke’s shoulder only to pull it back almost immediately after when she saw the faint dark lines rippling underneath the pale skin.
“What the fu—”“Why do you pursue me?” Hawke asked as she swiveled around and grabbed Helena’s arms, leaning into her and gripping her firmly.
“What—”“Oh God it hurts, please make it stop! Listen to me Harper, promise me, promise me you’ll kill me!” “ I’m not gonna—”“No! No you don’t! Stay away from me!” Hawke shouted, pushed Helena back and before Helena even knew what was happening, Hawke turned around, leaned forward and ran head first into the wall, leaving behind a bloody stain on the wallpapered concrete.
“Hawke!” Helena exclaimed and went to her as she collapsed onto the floor with a loud thud. Helena dug out her phone and just as she was about to call for help, it rang.“Hunnigan!”“...Helena, what’s wrong?” the other woman asked immediately after hearing the urgency in her voice.“I don’t know, something’s wrong with Hawke, I need a medical team at her place right now, I don’t know what happened, I don’t... she’s... I don’t know if she’s...” Helena sucked in shuddering shallow breaths.“Helena...listen to me...listen, I’m on my way, everything’s gonna be okay, I promise, just hold on a few minutes, okay?”“Hurry.”Hunnigan handed Helena a laminated card that had a large red “V” on it, identifying her as a visitor at the DSO. It felt somewhat silly that she had to wear one considering this had been her office too until rather recently, but rules were rules. Hunnigan had needed to bend quite a few to get her even visitor access to the labs, and she was certain she’d get reprimanded for it by Shepard who was probably hearing about Hunnigan’s gross indiscretion right at the moment from Skylark who was only happy to tattle on her every chance she got. Hunnigan didn’t care, she wasn’t going to exclude Helena from this, Hawke was her friend and Helena deserved to know what was happening.
“Well, the good news is there’s no damage to her skull or her neck...but that’s the extent of the good news,” Doctor Cassia said as she zoomed around in the 3D scan of Hawke’s head and neck displayed on her computer monitor.
“What do you mean?” Hunnigan asked and Cassia glanced back and forth between her and Helena.“I really don’t think I’m at liberty to discuss Hawke’s medical status in the presence of a visitor,” she said uncomfortably and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“I’ll vouch for—”“I’ll step outside,” Helena said in a quiet defeated tone and did so before Hunnigan had a chance to argue for her presence further.“I’m sorry, it’s just—”“Yes, I know, I know,” Hunnigan sighed, “so what’s the situation?” she asked and Cassia pulled up another scan of Hawke’s head, this time detailing the woman’s brain.
“These dark areas are mold growths.”“Fuck,” Hunnigan spat.
“They would explain the behavior Helena described she witnessed, they would have caused hallucinations, nausea, altered behavior...”“So, what do we do to get it out?”“...that’s the thing, I don’t know. We’ve tried antibiotics, antifungal drugs, but she doesn’t seem to be responding, I don’t know what we can do. And if we do nothing, this thing is going to intertwine with her brain, there’ll be no way to remove it without killing her or causing severe brain damage, we don’t have a lot of time.”“How much time?” Hunnigan asked, dreading the answer.“Days, no more than a week, possibly less.”“Fuck,” Hunnigan cursed again. “All right...all right, you keep running tests and throw everything you’ve got at this thing, I’m going to reach out to the BSAA and the CDC so see if they’ve got anything that would help,” she then said and exited the office without waiting for Cassia to say anything.
Helena stood in the hallway, leaning to the wall, Charlie sitting by her side, panting a little as Helena scratched him behind his ear.
“She’s gonna die, isn’t she,” Helena spoke and it was more of a statement than a question.“Not if I can help it,” Hunnigan said but knew she didn’t have much to back up her bravado with. Unfortunately, Helena seemed to know it too for she didn’t seem comforted by Hunnigan’s words in the slightest. Hunnigan couldn’t blame her.
“Listen, I’m gonna reach out to my contacts and make some inquiries, why don’t you head on home, and I’ll catch up with you in a bit?” Hunnigan suggested quietly, reaching to take Helena’s hand into her own.
“...yeah, okay,” Helena muttered and nodded a little.“Hey. It’ll be all right,” Hunnigan said and hugged Helena to herself.
“I wish I could believe you,” Helena mumbled into Hunnigan’s shoulder, held onto her a while and then headed out with Charlie.
After over two hours of emailing back and forth with her contacts, making several phone calls, and reaching out to everyone she knew and asking if they had any idea what it was she was dealing with, Hunnigan was left with nothing to show for her work. A few people hadn’t returned her messages or answered their phones, but Hunnigan figured it was probably because it was getting late, she hoped they’d return her messages in the morning. It was almost midnight when she finally made it home.
When she got there, she found Helena lying awake in bed, her eyes and face red from all the crying. She sat up when she noticed Hunnigan, sniffled and exhaled deeply.
“I’m beginning to truly believe grandma was right,” Helena muttered and Hunnigan frowned. She went to take a seat next to Helena and put her arm around her midsection.“What do you mean?” she asked and pulled Helena closer.“She always said that I’m....sick, that there’s something wrong with me, and that I ruin everything, and I didn’t know what she meant, but...everyone’s dying. My parents, my squad...Deborah...Jane, and now Hawke...and I just...feel like it’s somehow because of me, and I’m scared that something’s gonna happen to you, I mean, first it was your heart and now your arm, and I just...” Helena babbled through tears and Hunnigan tightened her grip on her, encouraging Helena to lean into her, and she did.
“You do know there is no way you’re responsible for any of those things?” Hunnigan said softly and rested her cheek against the top of Helena’s head.
“I don’t even know anymore, it’s just so...I’m the common denominator in so many terrible things, I can’t...”“Helena, stop,” Hunnigan ordered gently. “You haven’t done anything wrong and none of this is your fault.”“Maybe it’s bad enough that I’m nearby, maybe I should just k—”“Stop,” Hunnigan ordered again, this time more sternly. After all this time and after all the work Helena had done to recover, Hunnigan sure as hell wouldn’t let her go back to endlessly thinking about suicide, not without a fight.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean it, not really, but I just...I can’t handle this.”“You need some rest, it’ll be clearer in the morning, and we’ll figure it out,” Hunnigan said and kissed Helena’s forehead.
“Yeah...you’re right,” she agreed and sat up. She went to blow her nose and wash her face while Hunnigan got ready for bed, and a few minutes later they lay down and Hunnigan put her uninjured arm around Helena’s shoulders.
“I’ll fix this, I promise,” Hunnigan whispered in the dark and Helena nuzzled into the side of her neck, her arm over Hunnigan’s midsection as she held onto her tight.“I believe you.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan had managed to doze off for a couple of hours but her sleep was light and interrupted easily by the slightest noise Charlie made as he moved around the apartment. At least Helena seemed to be fast asleep, exhausted from everything that had happened that day. Hunnigan stayed in bed until six a.m. before slowly slipping her arm from underneath Helena and sliding off the bed.
“I love you,” she whispered, leaned over to press a soft kiss onto Helena’s cheek and went to get dressed then. Roughly an hour later she was at the DSO offices, making a detour to the kitchenette for coffee before heading to her office.
“Oh, good Lord, what the hell!” she exclaimed, dropping her coffee mug due to being startled by walking in on someone already in her office, the woman dressed in a black pinstripe suit and a red silk collared shirt sitting casually on the edge of Hunnigan’s desk.
“How did you get in here!” Hunnigan demanded and dug out a small packet of tissues from her bag, pulled out a few sheets and attempted to soak up the spilled coffee with them, rather unsuccessfully.
“The same way I get anywhere, Ingrid,” Ada Wong shrugged, casually bouncing a leg that rested over the other, a black leather high heel with a vivid red sole hanging from her toes as she made lazy circles in the air with her foot. While Hunnigan wasn’t the type who paid much attention to fashion and trends, she just knew that pair of shoes had cost more than her monthly rent.
“What the hell do you want?” Hunnigan narrowed her eyes and Ada smiled, standing up straight.
Hunnigan didn’t even want to think about how Ada had known she’d be here today, it was a Saturday after all, and since there was no emergency —not one that involved the DSO anyhow— Hunnigan wasn’t scheduled to be at the office. Ada knowing to turn up here to meet her could only mean Ada was keeping tabs on her, and that was a rather unsettling thought.Hunnigan hated realizing she’d neglected to pay attention, had let herself be lulled into the false sense of security an officer of her stature should never assume; she’d need to attend a refresher course of counter surveillance tactics. Not that she believed for a moment that anything she could do would be a foolproof way to avoid being followed by Ada Wong, who certainly knew every trick in the book and had probably written a few chapters of her own.“I would’ve thought that after all the time and effort you’ve put into investigating me over the last decade or so you’d be happier to finally meet me in person,” she said and Hunnigan scoffed.
It was true, she had dedicated considerable amounts of time and resources to figuring out who Ada was and who she was working for exactly (her investigation never yielding anything real as Ada Wong was surrounded by a wealth of disinformation, her personality skillfully fleshed out and extremely detailed but ultimately fake, a nice and clean facade for those too blind to see it wasn’t real), but she’d never imagined a scenario where meeting the woman would be a good thing.“I’ll give you three seconds before I call security and have you detained,” Hunnigan said and Ada rolled her eyes at that. It would take a lot more than a DSO security detail to detain her.“I’m not a bad person, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop treating me like one,” she said.
“Is that a threat?”“It’s a statement.”“Two seconds,” Hunnigan continued her countdown.“As I understand it, you need help, rather desperately so. Are you really in a position to ignore me?”“What makes you think I would ever trust you?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow and Ada mirrored her expression.“When have I ever given you reason not to trust me?” she asked. “Not to mention that you don’t really seem to have a choice either, now do you?” she added after a short pause, and Hunnigan sighed deeply. As much as she hated having to agree, she had to.“What do you want?”“For crying out loud, I’m trying to help you! Considering how much effort you put into trying to find someone who can, I’d expect you to show a little more gratitude or at the very least stop being so hostile.”“You intercepted my emails or calls?” Hunnigan snapped, outraged at the mere implication that someone would have the skills and opportunity required to violate her privacy in this way.“I didn’t need to, someone you contacted knew someone who knew someone who knew someone...and so forth, you see where I’m going with this.”“So someone forwarded my request for assistance with an unidentified bioweapon to you and you turn up to help, just like that, out of the goodness of your heart? Forgive me for doubting it’s that simple,” Hunnigan scoffed.
“Oh, please, let’s not insult each other by pretending either one of us expected my reasons to be completely selfless,” Ada rolled her eyes. “But the truth is that right now...if you lose, I lose.”“What do you mean?” Hunnigan frowned and Ada sighed.“Here’s the thing. The US is being led by an imbecile and the majority of the population is so fanatic and stupid you could get them to commit suicide by stating that breathing is against their constitutional rights as American citizens,” she began, and slowly made her way across the room toward Hunnigan.“Europe is imploding thanks to all the infighting over finances and useless bureaucracy, and don’t even get me started on the Middle East.”“Yeah, the world is fucked up, that’s not news to anyone,” Hunnigan muttered and took a step back to put a bit more distance between herself and Ada.
“Exactly, and it’s not news to anyone that these aren’t the kinds of issues that can be solved by making nice in a boardroom, so someone came up with the idea of imposing a new world order by forcing everyone to agree. Agree about what exactly, I don’t know and I don’t want to find out because in my experience, when large groups led by old, rich white men get to decide how things should be done, it ends badly for anyone who isn’t an old, rich white man,” Ada smirked. That at least was a statement Hunnigan could get behind.“So, what are we talking about, mind control?”“In a manner of speaking.”“Isn’t that a little... CIA circa 1960?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.
“Sadly, we’re talking about something far more serious than a bunch of idiots lacing each other’s drinks with LSD and calling it an office prank,” Ada laughed.“Fine. So, tell me what you know and I’ll decide if I believe you or not.”“I know that there is a group that devised a bio-weapon capable of turning enemies into allies by means of mind control. The goal was to infiltrate enemy forces...in this case your agency and through that the government...and take control of them using a parasitic fungal organism.”“The mold,” Hunnigan muttered and Ada nodded.
“The weapon was developed over a decade ago but it wasn’t until recently that they were able to produce genetically engineered humans to control the mold and command the people under the mold’s influence.”“Helena was right, Patel was a trap, sent here to be captured by us,” Hunnigan breathed and pinched the bridge of her nose when she felt a headache begin to form in her brow.
“What better way to infiltrate an enemy camp than to let yourself be captured,” Ada shrugged, obviously speaking from personal experience.
“So, who is responsible and what exactly does this ‘new world order’ of theirs look like?”“I wish I could tell you,” Ada said and Hunnigan didn’t think for a second that it was a sincere wish, and she seriously doubted Ada didn’t know, but she didn’t bother pressing her about it, she wouldn’t tell her anything she didn’t want to.
“Well, what can you tell me?” Hunnigan sighed in exasperation.
“That this was just a test run that has been considered a failure, so you’ll have time to coordinate with your allies and study the samples in your possession, maybe you’ll figure it out by the time they try again and you’ll have means to combat it.”“I don’t have the time for that, Hawke is sick and needs the help now!” Hunnigan said agitatedly and Ada shoved her hand into her pocket. She pulled out a shiny metal case and handed it to Hunnigan.“Take two of these and call me in the morning,” she jested but Hunnigan wasn’t amused. “This is a fungicidal serum that’ll cure the infection, it’ll save your agent unless she’s already in the final stages of the infection.”“And if she is?” Hunnigan asked as she accepted the case, opened it and looked inside. It contained two syringes filled with a light green liquid.“It’ll kill her, but at that point she’s already dead anyway, so you have nothing to lose here,” Ada shrugged.“Ada...I don’t know what to say.”“How about ‘thank you’?”“Thank you,” Hunnigan said, closed the lid of the metal case and held it against her chest like a precious treasure. Ada simply smiled a little and nodded.“Oh, and don’t waste too much time studying the serum, it’s only effective against this particular type of mold; each are unique and require a unique serum produced from their specific tissue samples. Makes it harder to mass-produce a cure,” she said.“That is really smart. And...terrifying. Very, very terrifying.”“Yes, yes it is,” Ada agreed. “All right, I think I’m done here.”“Ada, wait,” Hunnigan said just as Ada was about to walk out, confidently and like she belonged here. Hunnigan supposed that was the only way Ada went anywhere, especially places she wasn’t supposed to be at.
“Where did you get all your information from?” Hunnigan asked, doubting Ada would tell her but knowing she’d regret not at least trying since the opportunity was here.“You wouldn’t believe what intricate details men will volunteer if you play dumb, get them a little drunk and make them believe you’ll have sex with them if they convince you that they’re an important, big, powerful man involved in dangerous games. After a while, you can’t shut them up,” Ada laughed.“That also explains how you’ve managed to dodge my attempts at finding you out, I bet you can make Leon sing like a little baby nightingale.”“Maybe,” Ada shrugged innocently.“Okay...one more thing, and this one I really dread to ask, but...what is it that you want in return for this?” Hunnigan held up the case with the serum in it.Ada pursed her lips, tapped her fingers against the side of the door as she took a long moment to think about it. Or acted like she was thinking about it, the exaggeration in her gestures making it obvious she was pretending.“Nothing right now. Let’s just say you’ll owe me a favor,” Ada smiled sweetly and exited before Hunnigan could argue that she had no intent to agree to such terms.“Fuck it. Fuck it, just fuck it, fine,” Hunnigan muttered, dug out her phone and called Doctor Cassia, not caring if she woke her or not, and not caring that it was Saturday because this could not wait; she needed to get the cure to Hawke now.“Oh, my God, you suuuck!” Helena yelled agitatedly and threw her baseball cap at the television when her favorite team essentially lost the game, the volume of her voice and the slight slur in her words giving away her drunken state. That, and the empty bottle of wine accompanied by another that was missing two thirds of its contents on the coffee table.
Charlie jogged across the living room, picked up the worn baseball cap and brought it back to Helena, his tail swaying from side to side as he expected her to throw it again. Helena chuckled, ran her hand over Charlie’s head and threw the hat again, harder and further this time.
“What the fuck, Helena!” Hunnigan exclaimed when the hat suddenly impacted her face, the hard edge of the brim peeking through a tear in the fabric smacking right in the middle of Hunnigan’s lower lip.“Shit, I’m sorry! I didn’t see you!” Helena apologized as Charlie picked up the hat and returned it to her.
“It’s okay, I’m not hurt, it just surprised me,” Hunnigan said and put her laptop bag on the table by the door before making a short whistle to get Charlie’s attention. “C’mon, boy, pull,” she encouraged and Charlie bit on the sleeve of Hunnigan’s jacket, pulling it off her. “Attaboy,” she said, scratched his head and put the jacket away.
“Hey,” Helena finally managed a proper greeting as she went to Hunnigan who put her arm around Helena. She instantly leaned into Hunnigan, pressing the side of her face against her shoulder and put her arms around Hunnigan’s waist, squeezing her tightly but still minding the injured arm between them.
“Hey,” Hunnigan responded and ran her fingers through Helena’s hair, leaving her hand to rest on the back of Helena’s neck as she pressed a kiss on the top of her forehead.“How was work?” Helena asked and Hunnigan smiled a little, aware of this being Helena’s way of indirectly inquiring about Hawke’s status.
“It was a good day, Hawke is going to be all right,” Hunnigan said.
Poor Hawke would be spending another four weeks in quarantine but at least she was alive. Doctor Cassia had performed some quick tests on the serum to make sure it was legitimate because Hunnigan hadn’t disclosed the source where she’d gotten the serum, just that she trusted the source. Doctor Cassia didn’t share this trust, and Hunnigan couldn’t argue with her over it, she made a valid point when she argued that perhaps this unnamed helper had delivered a serum which would kill Hakwe and eradicate all evidence of the mold in her body afterward therefore destroying what little chance the DSO had investigating it further. Hunnigan had pointed out that surely they’d know the DSO had taken plenty of samples of it and that they had been forwarded to the CDC, BSAA, and WHO already.“Thank goodness. And more importantly, thank you,” Helena said quietly. Thank Ada Wong, Hunnigan thought but didn’t say it out loud. Not because she didn’t believe giving credit to where it was due but because the inconvenient fact was that Helena was no longer a DSO employee, Hunnigan shouldn’t have shared any of what she’d said just now.
“So...I take it your team is losing,” Hunnigan changed the subject and slowly pulled back from the hug.
“They sure are,” Helena confirmed with a nod and placed the baseball hat crookedly onto Hunnigan’s head. “Also, I’m sorry I drank all your wine, I didn’t feel like going out but I wanted to get drunk and the bottles were there...I’ll reimburse you for them.”“Yeah, those were pretty expensive, you just drank like...eight hundred bucks worth of red wine,” Hunnigan smirked and returned the hat onto Helena’s head as Helena’s eyes widened when the extent of her indiscretion dawned upon her.“Oh, shit. Shit, fuck, cock,” she cursed and Hunnigan laughed.
“I’m just teasing you. I mean, they were ridiculously expensive but I didn’t buy them, Nolan gave them to me for Christmas. I don’t really even like wine that much, I prefer bourbon,” Hunnigan disclosed.“Don’t tease me like that!” Helena scolded and exhaled in relief. “How does your family take it? I mean, the heiress to one of the biggest rum families in the world preferring bourbon, what a scandal,” she teased back and Hunnigan’s eyebrow arched high.“Well, my mother has repeatedly called me a tall disappointment...and I’m not an heiress to anything significant, do you have any idea how many children and children’s children Isabela Black had? There’s thousands of people sharing the ‘family fortune’, so it’s peanuts by the time any of it gets to me, but...how did you know about the rum?” she asked and Helena’s smile fell from her face to be replaced by a look that Hunnigan had often seen on her son’s face when she’d caught him doing something he shouldn’t be doing.“I may have kind of looked you up online and through some twists and turns found out quite a lot...also there was like an entire series of books about the family history at Nolan’s apartment in New York,” Helena confessed after stammering and stuttering for a long moment.
“You stalked me online?”“No! I just Googled you.”“I’m flattered,” Hunnigan smirked.“And if you didn’t want people to do that, then you should...well, tell your ex-husband to make his Facebook-profile private for one,” Helena went on and Hunnigan chuckled.“I have, but I think he likes the attention.”“So, you’re not mad?”“Why would I be mad?”
“I don’t know. Fuck, this is awkward,” Helena sighed.
“Would you believe me if I told you that almost no one knows I’m Lee Del Rey? It’s not like I’m actively hiding it, but no one’s ever made the connection, or if they have, they haven’t mentioned it to me.”“It’s the glasses, worked for Clark Kent for years,” Helena said and Hunnigan laughed.“Good point,” she agreed.
“Why do people call you Lee anyway?”“Because my family is very self-important and love naming their female children after the more famous foremothers, so almost everyone is named Isabela or Ingrid. I was called Lee as a kid to distinguish me from grandma-Ingrid, and I kept using the name later in life. Of course, nowadays everyone calls me Hunnigan, so it hardly matters. I mean, my name isn’t even officially Hunnigan anymore,” she explained with a chuckle.“Really?” Helena’s eyebrows rose and Hunnigan nodded.“Oh, yeah, I changed it back to Del Rey a while back but fuck if anyone got the memo. Not that I really care either way, but I do admit that there are some perks to being able to drop my mother’s family name around some places. That said, it goes both ways, it’s not like everyone’s a fan,” Hunnigan smiled.
“I think that’s kind of a cool tradition,” Helena said. “Maybe I should take my mother’s maiden name. Then again, after a quarter of a century being called Harper it would take a lot of getting used to being Helena Bailey,” she chuckled.“I know what you mean, believe me,” Hunnigan said. “Now...is there any of that wine left? I could use a drink.”“There’s maybe like one glass left,” Helena smiled sheepishly.“Not to worry, I keep a stash in the closet like any decent drunk would,” Hunnigan smirked, opened the storage closet’s door and went to retrieve a bottle from the rack mounted to the wall in the far back.“Wow, you weren’t kidding.”“Only about the being a drunk-part, I didn’t have room in my kitchen for the rack, so,” Hunnigan chuckled. When she turned back, she noticed Helena staring at something and followed the line of her gaze to the shadow box Hunnigan had stashed in the closet when she’d moved Helena’s belongings from her apartment to storage. She’d forgotten to take the frame back with them. She told as much to Helena.“Deborah put it together for me,” Helena said with a rueful smile. “Personally, I never really cared much for that stuff.”Helena just stared at the shadow box for a long moment and Hunnigan noticed the way she slowly tensed up the longer she stared. When Helena squeezed her hand into a tight fist, Hunnigan grabbed her wrist firmly barely in time before Helena managed to smash it through the glass.“Don’t do that...don’t do that,” Hunnigan said quietly.“Sorry, I just...” Helena sighed. She put the shadow box away and held up her hands a little. “I’m okay, I’m fine,” she then assured.“Okay. So...what do you say we open this bottle, huh?” Hunnigan suggested and Helena smiled.
“Sounds good.”A few moments later they were sitting on the couch, both with full glasses of wine, Charlie curled up and asleep at Helena’s feet, the baseball game still going on the television screen. Neither one of them was paying attention to it at this point, Helena had already informed Hunnigan her team was probably going to lose the game anyway unless something incredible happened at the last minute.
“How’s your arm? Have you been doing your exercises?” Helena then asked and Hunnigan bit her lower lip awkwardly.“Uh...yes?” she lied unconvincingly and Helena rolled her eyes.“Ingrid...”“I know, I know, I just...forget to do it during the day when you’re not around ordering me to do it,” she said.“I’ll have to start sending you bossy texts and emails.”“Better yet, add it to my calendar.”“No time like the present.”“Honey, I’m not going to do it now, I’m holding wine.”“In your uninjured hand,” Helena pointed out. “Did you just call me ‘honey’?”“...it...slipped,” Hunnigan muttered awkwardly and took a long drink of her wine. Helena put hers away and turned to face Hunnigan, leaning closer and pressing her lips softly to Hunnigan’s.“I don’t mind, I liked it,” she said quietly before touching the tip of her tongue against Hunnigan’s, gently deepening the kiss.
“Mmh...” Hunnigan hummed into the kiss, “I might end up making a habit of it then.”“I wouldn’t mind at all,” Helena said, slowly breaking the kiss and pulling back.
“What’s wrong?” Hunnigan asked after noticing the troubled look on Helena’s face.
“I just...okay, so, uh...I’m just...wondering if you...want to take certain things to the next level.”“I assume you’re not just talking about cheesy terms of endearment,” Hunnigan jested and Helena smirked.
“Sex, I’m talking about sex.”“Well, just blurt it out like that, why don’t you,” Hunnigan said in an exaggerated mock stun. They sat in silence for a moment, and Hunnigan exhaled deeply after studying Helena’s concerned look.
“Listen...I’m not gonna lie, I masturbate about you a lot—”“Now who’s blurting things out,” Helena stuttered through an awkward laugh and reached to grab her glass of wine, taking a deep drink from it.
“—but, I’d never pressure you into doing something you’re not ready to do,” Hunnigan finished softly.
“...what if...I’ll never be ready?” Helena swallowed hard, refusing to meet Hunnigan’s eyes. The taller woman took a deep breath, sucked on her teeth and shrugged one shoulder.“Then I guess I’ll just keep masturbating about you,” she grinned.“You just say these things,” Helena let out an amused scoff.“Honestly, I’m not sure what you want me to say.”“I don’t know either,” Helena chuckled uncomfortably and sighed then. “Look, I don’t...I don’t like sex. At all.”“All right,” Hunnigan nodded, still unsure what she should say. What could she say? That she wanted Helena, wanted her to try, go on trying to convince her to change her mind, give it a shot with her, promise it would be worth it? Those were things a creep would say.Besides, that wasn’t what Hunnigan felt. Yes, she wanted Helena but at this point sex would be nothing more than an added bonus, not something she genuinely felt necessary to their relationship. She didn’t deny she’d thought about it, that she would be more than happy to go there, but at the end of the day, it saddened her to realize Helena seemed to think not having sex would be a dealbreaker.
“But I can justify it,” Helena hurried to add and Hunnigan frowned. She took Helena’s hand into her own and leaned to press her forehead against hers.“You don’t need to, you don’t owe an explanation about it to me or to anyone else for that matter.”“Maybe, but I...I want you to know,” Helena whispered and stood up abruptly. She disappeared into the bedroom and returned a while later, holding a brown faux leather journal she’d dug out from her belongings.
“This is, uh...it’s my journal from when I was at the mental hospital. It contains my trauma timeline. I want you to read it.”“Helena, this isn’t necessary.”“I know. I know you’re not dumb, you’ve put two and two together from what was said about Sergeant Good in the papers during the trials. But I...I need you to know...everything. Not just to justify my reasons for whatever, but because I don’t want to keep these things from you. If anyone deserved to know the truth, it’s you,” Helena spoke quietly and handed the journal to Hunnigan.
“I’ll...hold onto it for a couple of days before reading it, in case you change your mind,” Hunnigan said as she accepted the book.
“Okay,” Helena nodded.
“...maybe I’ll write one of my own for you to read. Not that I have a trauma timeline really, but I do have a collection of awkward misadventures you wouldn’t believe I was a part of,” Hunnigan smiled a little and Helena chuckled.“I would like to read that.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan had read through the pages containing the details of the physical and emotional abuse Helena had suffered at her grandmother’s hands (all the way from demeaning her by calling her useless, worthless, fat, disgusting, and stupid to beating her with a wooden hairbrush, forcing her to take scalding hot baths, whipping her with a leather belt and letting the wounds get infected, and denying her food -especially things that would've been considered treats) when she arrived to a blank page. She found herself thankful for that pause; she hadn’t realized it but reading the details of Helena’s childhood had made her cry.
So much suffering. So much pain and guilt inflicted upon a child who hadn’t done anything to deserve it. Hunnigan couldn’t even begin to imagine what kind of a monster would do that to a kid. She couldn’t fathom such viciousness, she’d rather chew on razor blades, drink a gallon of acid, and light herself on fire than ever treat her son the way Frances Harper had treated Helena.
“All right,” Hunnigan sighed a little and turned the page. By the time she was done reading the painfully detailed descriptions of Sergeant Kassandra Good’s vile actions, Hunnigan felt like throwing up (and not just because apparently one of Good’s nastier habits had been to forgo taking care of intimate hygiene prior to forcing Helena to perform oral sex on her) and like she needed to take a bath in bleach to ever feel clean again.
If I feel this terrible just reading it, imagine how much worse it had to be experiencing it...at seventeen...after you’ve thought you’d finally found a way to get out of your abusive childhood home. Oh God.
She took a long moment to compose herself and wait for the sickening feeling to pass before stepping out of the bedroom. In the living room, Helena was busy teaching Seeley to blow bubbles into his chocolate milk.
“Look what I can do!” he yelled proudly upon seeing his mother and proceeded to blow into the straw. Unfortunately, he blew too hard and ended up spraying most of his drink on the table.
“Yeah, proud of you, buddy,” Hunnigan laughed, went to the kitchen and grabbed a wet dishcloth. She threw it to Helena who accepted cleaning it up as her duty since she’d encouraged the boy to begin with.
“You can’t blame me, I never got to do that as a kid,” Helena said and Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.
“Is this gonna become a thing now, you get up to all kinds of shenanigans with my son and justify it by stating you didn’t get to do it as a kid, which I’ll have to let go because I know it’s probably true?”“Yes. Sometimes I might throw in a reminder of how poor we were, too. Like, I didn’t get to play pitching pennies because we didn’t have enough pennies,” Helena said very seriously and threw the dishcloth back to Hunnigan.
“Oh, my God,” she laughed and went to rinse it.
Seeley lost his interest in the chocolate milk and reached for his markers. He struggled to open the plastic case containing the colorful plethora of markers, and Helena offered to open it for him.“Leina’s a big girl to do it all by herself!” Seeley informed his mother, only it sounded more like he was saying “Leena’s a biggurl do all by hesself!”
Helena had confessed to Hunnigan she couldn’t quite understand everything Seeley said, and Hunnigan had made a habit of repeating the gist of his words for her convenience, but she didn’t think it necessary in this case.“Here you go, little dude,” Helena smiled and handed him the markers.
“Thank you!” he said happily and got to work on his coloring book.
“I finished reading...your book,” Hunnigan said as she took a seat on the couch next to Helena.
“Yeah, figured. Would you mind if I said I don’t really want to talk about it?”“Of course not, frankly...I’d prefer that myself. Your descriptions of the events didn’t exactly leave a lot of questions unanswered and it’s not like I want any more details.”
“Okay, good. Hey, um...do you think there’s any chance I could go visit Hawke in quarantine?” Helena changed the subject and Hunnigan sighed a little.It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help Helena visit her friend, but it was becoming a hassle. Hunnigan only had so much pull left at the DSO after everything she’d already done for Helena. Then again, Helena hadn’t asked her to pull strings for her before, so Hunnigan couldn’t blame it on her.
“I’ll see what I can do,” she nodded.
“Thank you. I know I’m out of favors to ask from you, and I’m sorry, I don’t want you to think you have to do anything because—”“If I didn’t want to, I’d let you know, don’t worry about it,” Hunnigan promised with a smile and leaned to kiss Helena’s cheek.
“How’s your arm?” Helena then asked.“Better, especially since you’ve been forcing me to keep up with the exercises, my physical therapist appreciates your help with that,” Hunnigan smirked.
“You’ll learn to appreciate it too when you’ll be able to lift your arm above your head again,” Helena smirked back.
Hunnigan was scheduled to see a doctor later that week and see if it would be safe to stop using the brace completely. Her shoulder was rather stiff and there were some aches and pains that remained, but she didn’t think keeping her arm strapped down much longer would do any good, the bone should by now be as healed as it would get, especially with the plates that were put in. Now it was just a matter of working to get her mobility back. Who would’ve guessed that would turn out to be the hard part.
“Really I just want to be able to move it enough to be able to hug you properly,” Hunnigan said and Helena chuckled.
“Well, aren’t you a big old softie,” she smiled and leaned into Hunnigan’s side as she put her uninjured arm around Helena’s shoulders.
Truthfully, it was less about her being soft and more about her not knowing what else to do. All she could do was be there, and it bothered her greatly that she wasn’t able to properly hug Helena when all she wanted was to hold Helena to her chest, keep her safe and sound, ensure she’d never have to feel the kind of fear and pain she’d lived through before.“I’m gonna get dinner started,” Helena then said and went to the kitchen.
“Nice, what are we having?”“Sour cream mashed potatoes with bacon,” Helena replied over the sound of water running into the pot.
“Hey kid. Wanna see something cool?” she then asked, standing at the kitchen entrance, and Seeley turned to look at her.
“What?” he asked and Helena proceeded to juggle with three potatoes, eliciting an amazed exhale from the boy who then immediately insisted she teaches him to do that.
“I didn’t know you could juggle,” Hunnigan commented.“I learned at the, uh, hospital, this girl Sera taught me. She said it helps with depression, not sure how effective it is, but it’s a fun distraction at least,” Helena explained, her eyes focused on the potatoes in the air. When she stopped, she failed to catch the third potato, but Seeley saved it by reaching his arms out and catching the potato into an awkward hug.
“We’ll practice with two for a start, okay?” Helena smiled after putting the rest of the potatoes into the boiling water.
“Okay!” Seeley confirmed and promptly threw both potatoes in the air simultaneously, and laughed at the wince on Helena’s face when she almost got hit with one.
“Uhp, okay, nope, not quite, try one at a time, like this,” she said, put the potatoes into Seeley’s hands and held onto his wrists, lifting one, then the other a moment later to show him the rhythm he should start with.“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Helena then asked Hunnigan who was staring at the two of them, unable to stop smiling.
“I just love you.”“I can’t believe you did heroin,” Helena exclaimed as she sat on the edge of the bed, reading Hunnigan’s equivalent of her journal.
“Very briefly. Also, some of the stuff in there could get me fired, so I’d appreciate it if you never mentioned it to anyone once you’re done reading it,” Hunnigan said, glancing at Helena through the mirror. Hunnigan sat in front of the bureau and removed her earring and watch, and put them in the jewelry box in front of her.“Yeah, I wasn’t gonna,” Helena rolled her eyes.
“So, what’s it like? Because I’ve only gotten the ABC Afterschool specia l-version of drugs, let’s hear it from an honest, former junkie. Also, I have a difficult time imagining you injecting heroin,” she continued and went to Hunnigan. Helena then proceeded to mime holding up a microphone in front of Hunnigan’s face.
“First of all, I was not a junkie, I wasn’t addicted and only did it a handful of times,” Hunnigan elaborated in a scoff and swatted Helena’s hand away. “Secondly, I didn’t inject it, I snorted it...which makes it a bit less addictive than injecting it, so remember that if you ever intend to try it. And finally, it made me feel like I was a kitten sleeping in a warm basket of laundry.”“...that sounds pretty great actually.”
“It is, which is why you should never do it...more than once. Or...five—...fifteen times.”“Ingrid Hunnigan! I can’t believe you.”
“Oh, get off your high horse.”“Pun intended, my horse isn’t high, I’ve never done anything harder than vodka,” Helena sniffed. “Also, I think you were being intentionally obtuse writing some of these, ‘The FBI has my nudes’, what is that supposed to mean? That your ex-husband has naked pictures of you? Because if he does, I’ll be disappointed in you, you should know better,” she quirked an eyebrow and Hunnigan chuckled.
“No, that’s a long story I didn’t feel like writing out, and it happened before I met Major. I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl I'd met just a few months before I had to move to D.C. and as one might expect things to go in long-distance relationships, certain kinds of photographs came into play. Nothing you’d be able to recognize me from, by the way, because I’m not stupid.”“And she gave them to the FBI for shits and giggles?” Helena smirked and Hunnigan laughed, shaking her head. She the tugged on the chest of her collared shirt, the gesture having formed into a silent cue between the two of them, and Helena smiled as she knelt in front of Hunnigan and began unbuttoning her shirt, the act had become a routine they’d both grown to quite enjoy.“No, what happened was her computer was confiscated by the FBI when they raided her family’s house. And the reason for the raid was that a family friend of theirs turned out to be a serial killer. Well, suspect at the time, so the Feds went around questioning everyone he’d ever met or emailed, and that included her family. And thus, since her computer with my nudes on it was confiscated by the FBI, they are or were at that point in possession of my nudes.”“...that was not where I expected this story to go,” Helena said as she hung the shirt on the back of a chair.
“I can tell,” Hunnigan chuckled and stood up. “Was there anything else you wanted me to elaborate on?”“Nothing right now."
"Okay. Hey, um...about what you went through...I just want to say I can’t even imagine what that had to be like, and I wish I could just...undo it somehow.”“Yeah, well, it happened, but it’s over, and I’m fine-ish now, so...don’t even worry about it.”
“I just...” Hunnigan began but paused for a long moment, looking for the words. Helena appreciated the sentiment but she didn’t need to hear Hunnigan tell her she wanted to go back and make it right, she didn’t need anyone to erase her past, she didn’t want pity because of what she’d lived through. She wanted to be understood, and accepted, that was it. To her surprise, Hunnigan didn’t give her the tired old “white knight”-act.
Instead she took Helena’s hand into her own and said: “I’m sorry that happened to you.”And that was when Helena realized that was all she’d ever wanted to hear someone say to her about it.“Thank you.”
“You know what we should do?” Hunnigan then said after a long moment of silence during which they’d wordlessly agreed that was all they would speak of regarding Helena’s past, for the night anyway.“What?”
“We should go somewhere. Take a little vacation. I know we don’t have a lot of free time, but maybe a quick weekend trip.”“Well...I’ve been wanting to go visit Pittsburgh,” Helena said and Hunnigan’s eyebrows rose in question.
“Pitts...Pittsburgh? I meant more like... Venice or... Paris,” she listed, then shook her head. “No, scratch that, not Paris, the entire city smells of piss.”“That cannot be true,” Helena laughed.
“It is! The people there...well, men typically, literally piss on the street.”“That is disgusting.”
“I know, so if you ever find yourself deployed in Paris, don’t step in a puddle.”“Then why are the French so uppity if their best known city is literally a piss bucket?” Helena frowned.“Va savoir pourquoi,” Hunnigan shrugged.
“And bibbidi-bobbidi-boo to you too,” Helena rolled her eyes and smiled.
“Oh, great, now that’s playing in my head,” Hunnigan groaned, put her arm around Helena’s midsection and pulled her closer.
“What is?” she frowned when Hunnigan leaned into her.“Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo, but the thingamabob that does the job is bibbidi-bobbidi-boo,” Hunnigan hummed into Helena’s ear with a smile as she swayed them to the rhythm of the song. Helena pressed the side of her face against Hunnigan’s shoulder and held onto her, trying to keep up with the steps because as slow as they were, she wasn’t much of a dancer.“Also, I gotta point out it’s highly unlikely I’d be deployed in Paris, I don’t work for the DSO anymore, remember?” Helena reminded her as they slow danced in the bedroom to a silent song.
“I don’t understand how I keep forgetting that,” Hunnigan sighed. “So, why Pittsburgh?” she then asked, stopped and pulled back a little to be able to look at Helena.“Because in my last session with Doctor Wilkes, she suggested I go visit my grandmother’s grave. I’ve never been, wasn’t at her funeral either. Something about closure or whatever, and since I’m out of sessions with Wilkes, I figured that’ll have to do as therapy,” Helena said somewhat dismissively, not believing that seeing her grandmother’s grave would make her feel any better about everything that she did to her, but she supposed it was worth a shot. If nothing else, she could perform a little jig on it.“Pittsburgh it is then,” Hunnigan nodded. “And what do you mean you’re out of sessions?”
“Uh, again, I don’t work for the DSO anymore. Therapy with Wilkes was paid for by the agency’s health insurance, I’m a wannabe-EMT volunteering at a hospital, I’ve got a couple of hundred bucks in my account and another in my pocket from selling some of my furniture on Craigslist, so it’s not like I can afford to continue seeing Wilkes,” Helena laughed.
“Well, I could—”
“No!” Helena interrupted immediately. “I will not let you pay for it.”“I wasn’t offering to, I can’t afford it either, I’m nearly forty thousand in medical debt myself thanks to my heart and this fuckin’ arm,” Hunnigan chuckled, shaking her head as she went to bed, and Helena joined her.“Our health insurance system is a fucking joke.”
“I know. I can pay mine off relatively easily once Nolan pays me my royalties, plus I’ve got a decent job; I don’t know how people less well off do it.”“We walk it off, and if we can’t, we duct tape ourselves back together,” Helena smiled.
It was only a slight exaggeration. She couldn’t even tell how often she’d replaced antibiotics with garlic, honey and occasionally cranberry juice rather than go see a doctor about an obvious infection. Frankly, for most of her life prior to the army, she hadn’t exactly had a choice.
“Anyway, what I was saying was I could marry you, and voilá, you’re back on the DSO health insurance plan since it covers the agents’ spouses,” Hunnigan said, settling to lay back on the bed, seemingly unaware of the utterly shocked look of disbelief Helena gave her.“...you would marry me?” Helena repeated, dumbfounded.
“I know, you’d probably want to do it for the right reasons, but right now I think your mental health should be a priority. We can get divorced later, or if you want, we can...pretend we never got married and have a proper ceremony and the rest if we decide to ‘really’ get married. What do you say?”Hunnigan was right, Helena did want to get married for the right reasons, but her wrong reason wasn’t exactly wrong either. Most importantly, the thought of being Hunnigan’s wife, even if it was just for health insurance —for
now anyway— was quite...exciting. She’d never admit it out loud, and while she certainly wasn’t the type who’d spend hours writing “Mrs. Helena So-and-So” in the margins of her notebooks, the idea of being someone’s wife was oddly appealing.
A part of her was appalled at her blatant willingness to submit to such an institution, but the majority of her felt a little flutter in her chest when she thought about casually being able to refer to someone —-namely, Hunnigan— as the wife. She hadn’t thought about marriage much beyond that because she’d never expected it to happen to her. She’d never expected to find anyone who would love her and would want to be with her, let alone marry her.When they’d begun dating, Helena had fully expected Hunnigan to come to her senses and realize she was way out of Helena’s league. She’d expected Hunnigan to get bored with her, get tired of all her problems and issues, become exhausted by having to always be the one to pick Helena up and dust her off. But she hadn’t. She’d barely ever even lost her patience with Helena, and she couldn’t understand how that was possible.
Helena wasn’t used to being cared for, she wasn’t used to being supported, being loved unconditionally. She hadn’t thought it would ever happen to her. Everything in her life up until rather recently had been just one unfortunate and tragic event after another, she’d gotten used to the idea that maybe that was what her entire life would be like, just perpetual sadness and fury.
Then Hunnigan had shown up and taught her to see beyond that, taught her to believe there could be more and that she deserved better. She had changed everything, and Helena was certain she didn’t even know how much she’d done.
“...okay.”
“Yeah?”“Hell yeah. If you’re willing to have yourself legally bound to my stupid ass, why would I say no?” Helena laughed and Hunnigan smiled.
“Oh, wait, I actually have something for this,” she then realized and got out of bed. She rummaged around the bureau’s drawer and took out a small box. She opened it and inside was a pair of rings made of wood.
“These are proposal-rings, they’re made to serve as a placeholder for a proper ring, so you don't have to necessarily know your future spouse's ring size to a millimeter, and also don't have to worry about whether they like the ring or not since this is only temporary,” Hunnigan explained as she got back into bed.“You just keep such things around?” Helena smirked.
“They were a bonus item I got one time I spent an obscene amount of money at an online jewelry store, and I couldn’t remove them from the shopping cart before checking out, so,” Hunnigan shrugged.
“Amazingly, this is still the most romantic moment of my life,” Helena jested.It wasn’t entirely true, she felt she’d had a lot of moments with Hunnigan she could be considered romantic in one way or the other, but most of them were from before they’d even begun dating. She wasn’t entirely certain those would count.“I’ll do it properly the next time, with a grand gesture and everything,” Hunnigan promised with a smile as she slipped the wooden ring onto Helena’s finger and kissed her.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hawke had spent the past two weeks quarantined in the DSO medical wing and she still had another two weeks to go just to be sure. She hadn’t shown any signs of infection lingering so far which was a good thing, but the DSO wasn’t willing to risk it just yet.“Oh, thank God, a real human being!” she exclaimed happily when she saw Helena enter the room separated from the area Hawke had been living in by a thick plexiglass.
“Hey, Hawke. How are you doing?” Helena smiled and took a seat on the chair placed opposite to the room, the situation kind of reminding her of certain scenes from Silence of the lambs , the plexiglass with holes (covered by heavy-duty filters and biohazard detectors of course) in the middle and a dead ringer for Doctor Lecter’s cell.Only difference was Hawke’s “cell” wasn’t a cell as much as it was an apartment that made Helena think of a movie set too, the dwelling cut open in the middle so that the audience could see in, only in this case the audience was a medical team that came by to check Hawke’s vitals, and take blood and tissue samples.
“I’m so bored. The only DVD they have here is Homeward bound . Can you believe that? It’s very difficult to masturbate to.”
“I’m glad to see your sense of humor is intact,” Helena chortled.
“Was I joking?” Hawke smirked. “I’m so glad you came to visit, I’m going nuts here. So, how have you been? Willing to spill the beans about Hunnigan yet?” Hawke then asked and Helena rolled her eyes.
“Why are you so obsessed with this? I didn’t realize that DSO stood for ‘Department of Sex Orgies’,” Helena said and Hawke laughed heartily for a long moment.
“Oh, I wish! I’m ‘obsessed’ because I don’t have a love life of my own and you’re the only lesbian in my inner circle so it’s either gossip about your love life or listen to straight people drone on about all that ‘his and hers matching’, and who the hell needs more of that in their life?” Hawke ranted and Helena laughed.
“You have a point.”
“So if I tell you that Hunnigan told me she’s the big spoon, will you finally admit it’s Hunnigan you’ve been sleeping with?” Hawke drawled.“I wasn’t lying about it to be a dick, I just didn’t know if I was allowed to talk about it. You know how private Hunnigan is, and I didn’t want to get her in trouble at work because of me. But it doesn’t matter now since I don’t work here anymore, so,” Helena shrugged.“So you guys are really a couple?”
“Actually, we’re more than that,” Helena said and held up her left hand.
“Oh, my God, you two are engaged?” Hawke gasped.
“Yes, for all the wrong reasons,” Helena chuckled and explained the situation.“Regardless, congratulations. I love being right,” Hawke smiled and reached to grab a tissue from the box on the table. She blew her nose loudly and made a face in disgust when she looked at the tissue afterward.
“Sexy, huh?” she chuckled and showed Helena the tissue stained with black mucus.
“Gross! Are you okay?”“Yeah, it’s just a side-effect of the fungal infection,” Hawke assured and neatly folded the tissue before placing it in a container that had a yellow biohazard-symbol on it.
“You saving those for something?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“As a matter of fact I am. Doctor Cassia insisted on it, I guess she believes there’s something to be learned from whatever I expel. Having people this interested in my bodily fluids isn’t as flattering as one might think,” Hawke smirked and Helena chuckled.“I do not envy whoever has to sort through your used tissues,” she commented and they laughed.
“Hey, uh...I wanted to apologize to you about what happened at my place, I didn’t mean to scare you or make you worried, but it was...so fucking weird, you know?” Hawke then said seriously.“You don’t need to apologize, I know it wasn’t something you had control over. What exactly happened anyway?”
“I’m not sure how to describe it. It started as hallucinations, like, I was certain I heard someone talking to me even when I knew I was alone. And I don’t mean like the internal voice we all have,” Hawke began and Helena nodded. She knew all about that type of voices in one’s head.“Then it escalated from that, I’d see this little girl in the corner of my eye but when I turned to look, she wasn’t there, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Helena nodded again.“I started losing time, like, I’d wake up home in my own bed, everything was normal, but when I checked the date, I realized I was missing several days. I don’t know what I’ve been up to. Hunnigan said the bio-weapon was designed for mind control so could be that whoever was doing it was using me to try to dig more information about the agency,” Hawke shrugged.
Helena exhaled deeply, wishing she could help. Unfortunately, all she could do was hope that Hawke hadn’t done something that would land her in prison for treason. She didn’t think the mind control-defense would do greatly in court if it came to that.“Hunnigan’s hopefully checking my activity to make sure I didn’t leak anything. Other than it was just...okay, you know how sometimes when you’re falling asleep in front of the TV and whatever you’ve been watching kind of starts seeping into your dream and you’re not sure what’s real and what’s not?”“I have some idea, yes,” Helena nodded.
“It was kind of like that at times.”“What about the little girl? Who was she?” Helena frowned and Hawke shrugged, reaching for another tissue.
“I have no idea, I’ve never seen her before in my life,” she said before once more blowing her nose.“That’s weird.”
“Everything about this is weird,” Hawke chuckled. “Anyway, enough about this, what are you up to now that you’ve abandoned the DSO?” she then changed the subject and Helena inhaled deeply, shrugging a little.She told Hawke about her plan to become an EMT, and that she was off to a good start. It would be a while before she would have all the necessary hours and certificates, but she was working on it. Most importantly, and contrary to what it had felt like recently working for the DSO, she felt a sense of purpose.
There were days when all she did was help move patients from location A to location B, sometimes deliver flowers to them, or give directions to the cafeteria, but even that all had a meaning. She couldn’t honestly say she’d felt that way at the DSO because no matter what she did, it never ended.
She could take down an arms dealer, she could help take down corporations responsible for providing terrorists the viruses and equipment they needed to carry out their attacks, hell, she could help take down a crooked national security advisor, but it never changed anything. There was always another player ready to get in the game, probably only grateful to the DSO for getting rid of the competition for them. And then it was just a matter of the cycle beginning again.It was pointless, there was no sense of accomplishment and purpose, not the way she needed it anyway. She agreed that if it weren’t for agencies like the DSO and the BSAA, things would be even worse. Most of the time they couldn’t prevent the initial mess, but they stopped the next one, and Helena didn’t dismiss the importance of that. The problem was, she wasn’t happy with having to settle for looking at the big picture when doubt overshadowed her thoughts and she found herself needing to look at what she’d accomplished so far for encouragement to keep going.
“And then from EMT I might go ahead and try to become a registered nurse or something later, but that’s for much later, if ever,” Helena summarized.
“I won’t lie, I can’t imagine you as a candy striper,” Hawke chuckled.“Hey, I rock those stripes,” Helena smiled.
Truthfully there were no stripes, and with her background the process of applying had been a bit complicated, her saving grace being she hadn’t been convicted of anything in her life despite having been in all kinds of trouble. That, and the letter of recommendation praising her profusely, signed by someone with an impressive title like “Head of Field Operations for Division of Security Operations”, co—signed by Deputy Director John Shepard of Division of Security Operations. Helena didn’t even dare to guess what Hunnigan had told Shepard to get him to vouch for her. The one good thing about having worked for the DSO was that dropping the agency name was a sure in ninety percent of the time.
“What about you, what are you gonna do when you get out of here?” she then asked.
“Find the asshole responsible for infecting me and make them regret messing with me. And when that’s done I think I’ll take a vacation and work on my standup comedy.”Thursday, October 9th 2014, Consol energy center, Pittsburgh. Hunnigan hadn’t been entirely certain if this would be a hit or a miss, she’d gone and purchased the tickets to the hockey game on a hunch based on the fact that she’d seen clothing featuring the team’s logo among Helena’s belongings when she’d moved her things from her former apartment.
She hadn’t personally expected to enjoy watching the game much (she wasn’t the type who particularly enjoyed watching other people play), but there was something about being in an arena full of people, cheering for their team, that was enough to sweep her away, and she found herself cheering right alongside them despite not being a hockey fan.But even more than that, she enjoyed watching Helena. It made her happy to see Helena so passionate and excited about something (even if that something happened to be two guys punching each other bloody at the moment), and while the game was merely a distraction that wouldn’t last longer than a couple of hours, it was a much needed break, and it made Hunnigan glad to see she’d been able to provide that for her.
The long weekend they were taking was doubling as their “honeymoon” and while they both had known their marriage would be nothing more than paperwork for the sake of insurance, the very informal ceremony of simply signing papers in front of witnesses (namely, Nolan and Hawke) had still felt rather anticlimactic. Hunnigan wanted to do everything properly, but there hadn’t been time for any of it. But on such short notice, she figured that maybe this would do in lieu of a proper getaway, maybe once the current mess was cleaned up she and Helena could take an actual vacation.
Florence in September would be wonderful. Warm days and cool evenings, and we could go to all the Fall festivals, Hunnigan mused, abruptly woken from her thoughts when the crowd erupted in loud cheers. Apparently, the home team had just won the game.
After leaving the arena, they stopped to have something to eat before heading back to their motel room. It wasn’t a fancy one, barely had three stars, but it served its purpose, and there was something oddly enticing about the rustic and homely room.
Charlie, who had been waiting in the room, lifted his head and turned to look at the women as they entered, stood up from his napping spot and went to greet them. Helena showered him with pets and scratches and they took him for a quick walk before returning to the room where Helena gave him his dinner and repeatedly told him he was a good boy before telling him to go lay down.Helena then took off the Penguins-jersey she’d worn to the game and began undressing, letting Hunnigan know she’d take a shower. Hunnigan nodded and decided to check her emails while Helena did that. Her inbox was full of unread messages, but fortunately most of them weren’t relating to anything she was working on, just things she wanted to be kept up to date on. She closed the laptop when Helena emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later.
“Thank you for today,” Helena said, pausing to stand behind Hunnigan and leaning down to plant gentle kisses along the side of her neck.
“Anything for my wife,” Hunnigan chuckled, tilting her head to the side to encourage Helena to continue.“Hmm, wife,” Helena hummed into the spot between Hunnigan’s neck and shoulder. “I can’t believe we’re actually married,” she chuckled and stood up straight.
“Believe it,” Hunnigan smiled, got up and peeled off her outerwear, getting ready to go to bed.
“How’s the arm?” Helena asked, the tone of her voice saying more than her words, letting Hunnigan know she’d noticed very well that Hunnigan had skipped her exercises and that Helena had no intention of letting her get away with it.
“It’s good,” Hunnigan assured. The incision had healed, she no longer needed to wear the brace, the bone was as good as new (possibly better after being reinforced by titanium plates). The shoulder was still rather stiff and she hadn’t regained full mobility, but as Helena would’ve pointed out had it been in her nature to do so, Hunnigan had only herself to blame for that.
“Oh, really?” Helena smirked. “High five me,” she then challenged and Hunnigan narrowed her eyes.
“You’re mean,” she pouted. Hunnigan ground her teeth and worked to raise her arm, pushing through the discomfort but stopping before it turned into full blown pain, managing to bring her hand up as high as her ear was, but had to stop there when the shoulder protested to the movement.
“Ta-dah!”
“Proud of you,” Helena chuckled.
“I’ll do the exercises now, it’s just that it’s so boring,” Hunnigan sighed and got to work. “So, what’s our agenda for tomorrow?”
“I was thinking we’d go to Westwood. It’s where I used to live as a kid, and I’d like to see the house I grew up in. Then from there continue to the cemetery and look up my grandma’s grave and...I don’t know, dance on it, and go day drinking afterward,” Helena shrugged.
“Okay, sounds like a plan,” Hunnigan smiled.
About fifteen minutes later they were in bed, Helena moving to rest her head on Hunnigan’s shoulder, her arm over her midsection. Hunnigan turned to kiss her forehead as she held her and closed her eyes, but Helena wasn't quite ready to go to sleep.
“Ingrid?”
“Yes?”“Why do you love me?” Helena asked and Hunnigan smiled in the dark.
“What kind of a question is that?”“I just don’t get it.”
“I love you because you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know. You’re loyal, you’re trustworthy, you’re passionate, and I love your fire. I love how you make me feel when I’m with you.”“How’s that?”
“Safe. Cared for. Loved. Alive. Beautiful, because when you look at me I feel like you see something more than I probably do when I look in the mirror.”“When I look at you I see a goddess who should be worshipped,” Helena interjected in a whisper.
“You really are a mushy romantic, aren’t you?” Hunnigan chuckled quietly.“Maybe, but it’s how I feel.”
“I love you because you’re an amazing woman, and being with you makes me feel all kinds of good. Now, stop fishing and go to sleep," Hunnigan said gently with a smile in her voice, wondering what exactly would it take in the end to convince Helena that she was worthy of love. She didn't have an answer but decided she'd figure it out sooner rather than later; she needed Helena to feel it, to believe it because Helena Harper was a woman who needed to be loved more than anyone Hunnigan had ever known.
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Seeing the house she’d grown up in hadn’t really sparked as big of a reaction within Helena as she had expected. It was still standing, didn’t look much worse for wear, the garage still had a tree growing through its roof. It had since been rented to another family (Helena assumed judging from the amount of toys cluttering the yard) and she didn’t go wandering closer, simply looking over from across the street where she sat with Hunnigan in their parked rental car.
“I used to sneak out through the window,” she said and pointed at the room on the second floor. “It’s not visible from here, but I could sneak over to the garage roof, and climb down the tree growing through it. Since it’s behind the garage, grandma never noticed,” she added.
“Did you sneak out a lot?”“Yeah, but not to really go anywhere. Most of the time I’d just sit on the roof and watch people. No one ever looks up, it was fun watching them when they thought no one could see what they were doing. Mostly it was just people picking their noses or guys adjusting their balls or whatever, but still,“ Helena chuckled.
“Do you wanna go see if anyone’s home? Maybe they wouldn’t mind if you asked to—”
“No, that’s not necessary. Let’s just go ahead and get the other thing over with,” Helena shook her head.“All right,” Hunnigan said and started the car, beginning to make their way over to the cemetery.
As they got closer, Helena could no longer deny the odd sense of discomfort and nervousness that was brewing inside her. She figured it was just how she’d been conditioned to react to the idea of being anywhere near her grandmother, the way her body and brain had been wired to prepare for pain when the mere thought of dealing with grandma was introduced.
After a fifteen minute drive, they arrived, and Hunnigan looked up the directory.“Is this her?” she asked, showing Helena the screen of her phone. Frances Marlene Harper
Born: 08/15/1953
Died: 05/13/2008
Age: 55
Section: 9
Grave: 7 “Yeah, that looks right,” Helena swallowed hard.
“Are you okay?” Hunnigan asked upon noticing how uneasy Helena was.“I’m fine. Let’s go,” she dismissed. They got out of the car and Helena paused to look at the map, muttering the section and the grave’s numbers under her breath as she memorized them. When they finally arrived at the right spot, Hunnigan hung back to give Helena a moment alone and she appreciated that.
Helena noted someone had kept Frances’s grave tidy, probably some of the volunteers from the parish. There was even a small vase with relatively fresh flowers placed by the headstone, flowers Helena assumed someone who’d known Frances from church had brought over. She doubted Frances’s drinking buddies had bothered to come by if they’d even realized she’d died.
What am I doing here? This isn’t helping, it’s only making me angry, Helena sighed internally. She felt Doctor Wilkes had probably expected this to be the part where Helena would take the high road, let go of her anger for her own sake, forgive her grandmother and finally be able to move on. But that wasn’t about to happen.Why the hell should she forgive Frances? Helena hadn’t done anything to deserve the abuse she’d received, she’d never done anything to deserve being demeaned, hit, belittled and neglected the way she had been. What fucking right did Frances Harper’s ghost have to expect Helena’s forgiveness? There was no reason to forgive her, she’d never done anything in her life that would’ve in any way redeemed her as far as Helena was concerned.
Never had she offered Helena anything that even resembled an apology or shown any remorse for her actions; the only thing she’d ever shown was her confidence in herself and in the fact that Helena must’ve done something to deserve being at the receiving end of Frances’s wrath, why else would a good person like herself become so unreasonably irritated with the child?
What a load of bullshit.
She’d abused Helena physically and mentally, and then she’d forced her to sign away eight years of her life when she’d told her to enlist or live on the street.
So in a way it’s your fucking fault I even met Sergeant Good in the first place, Helena thought furiously, and before she even knew it, she found herself grabbing the vase and smashing against the stone, spitting on the grave and kicking the dirt while screaming how she wished Frances was rotting in hell.
She felt arms wrap around her and her fury slowly ebbed to tears of anger and frustration, and finally, a brief sense of relief and sadness mottled together. She felt like something was finally over. Like she’d finally managed to let go of some of the anger in her heart.
I can’t believe Wilkes was right about this working, Helena thought when she acknowledged how she was slowly beginning to feel a little lighter.
“Let’s get out of here,” she sniffled into Hunnigan’s shoulder after a few moments.
“All right.”They were back in the parking lot when Helena noticed the steel trash can and had an idea. She dug into her bag that rested on the backseat, took out her journal which contained her trauma timeline, and grabbed her lighter. She pulled the lighter apart, and smeared the lighter fluid over the brown faux leather of her journal and on some of the pages before slipping the lighter back into its case. She lit it and touched the flame onto the cover and it engulfed the book.
Helena dropped it into the trash can and the fire slowly licked the surface of the cover, spreading to the paper and eating the pages up, devouring the words describing years of pain, burning it all away. Helena reached to take Hunnigan’s hand into her own and smiled as she watched the journal burn.They spent the rest of the day visiting places Helena had liked to hang out at as a kid, seeing the city’s sights, stopping at cafés and and shops, and spent a couple of hours in the dog park with Charlie. After leaving the cemetery, Helena had felt a bit odd the entire day.
It wasn’t until they were about to have dinner and Hunnigan reached her hand over the table and gently gripped Helena’s, and she stared at the matching wooden rings on their fingers that Helena realized the unfamiliar, odd feeling she’d felt for most of the day was happiness.Of course she’d been happy before, but those moments had always been fleeting, overshadowed by one concern or the other; this was the first time she could remember when she was simply...happy, no small print attached to it, no asterisk, no terms and conditions, just happiness. She had to wonder if this was what other people felt like every day or was it true that genuine happiness was always fleeting no matter who and how well off you were.
“We should get proper rings,” Hunnigan mused, staring at their hands on the table before leaning back when the waitress arrived with their meals and placed them on the table, saying she hoped they’d enjoy their dinner, and they thanked her.
“I dunno, I like these,” Helena said after the waitress had gone. She rolled the wooden ring on her finger a little as she looked at it, her eyes then widening in shock when she looked over at Hunnigan. “What are you doing?” she exclaimed.“What?” Hunnigan frowned deeply, unaware of how scandalous her simple action of mixing pickle relish with mayo and then proceeding to dip a french fry into it was to Helena.
“You are ruining the fries.”“This from the woman who eats unseasoned scrambled eggs with ketchup,” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.
“That is an abomination,” Helena said, pointing at the mess of mayo and relish on the side of Hunnigan’s plate.
“Now, you listen to me, Mrs. Harper, and listen to me very carefully because I’m only going to say this once,” Hunnigan began, and Helena suspected she knew exactly how efficiently calling her Missus would shut her up because her brain got overrun by giddy thoughts at the mere implication of her now being Hunnigan’s wife. She figured she’d get over it soon enough when the novelty would wear off...she hoped it would, at least, because if it wouldn’t, she’d never be able to win an argument.“Fries were meant to be eaten with mayo. That’s how they do it in Belgium, and they would know because they’re the ones who invented fries.”
“Why do you even know—” Helena began to question, silenced by Hunnigan who reached over the table and in a single dexterous motion managed to deposit a mayo-covered fry into Helena’s mouth as she was speaking.“I admit, the mushy diner-fries aren’t exactly great, but even they deserve better than ketchup. Next time we have a chance, I’m taking you to Brooklyn, I know this great restaurant in Williamsburg, they know how to make fries,” Hunnigan said. “Oh! We could go for the weekend brunch, I’m sure their huevos rancheros would cure you from insisting on ruining your eggs with ketchup too” she then exclaimed softly.
“What do you have against ketchup?” Helena muttered after chewing and swallowing the fry.
“I’m one-quarter French, what do you think?” Hunnigan smirked.“Judging from your attitude, I think a bottle of Heinz murdered your French nana or something,” Helena shrugged and Hunnigan laughed.
“How was the fry?” she then asked, a knowing smile on her lips, and Helena reluctantly admitted it actually tasted very good; the rich, fatty mayo complimented the potato better than she would’ve imagined.
“But this is where I draw the line, if you even hint at dipping fries into a milkshake, I will divorce you.”
“No, not into a milkshake, but ice cream is the next best thing with fries after mayo,” Hunnigan said and Helena dramatically and slowly began to remove the ring from her finger.
“Hey, none of that, we’re Catholic, there’s no quitting the team,” Hunnigan commented.
“God damn it, Jesus,” Helena pretended to pout and put the ring back as Hunnigan laughed heartily.
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Helena smiled and dipped a fry into the mayo-relish-mix on Hunnigan’s plate.Once they got back to their motel room, Hunnigan went to take a shower while Helena took Charlie for one more walk before giving him his dinner. Once Hunnigan was done showering, Helena went to do the same while Hunnigan reluctantly did her shoulder exercises.
“Today was a good day,” Helena said a while later as she stepped out of the shower and let her hair down, the chestnut mane dry apart from the damp spot at the nape of her neck.“Yeah?” Hunnigan smiled, already in bed, her laptop resting over her thighs as she typed out responses to emails.
“Yeah,” Helena confirmed with a nod, and draped her towel on the bathroom door.
“Hello, nurse!” Hunnigan commented, glancing up at Helena over her glasses.
“I figure since we’re married it’s okay if you see my naked butt for a few seconds,” Helena smirked and went to grab a T-shirt and underpants from her bag.
“I appreciate it, it’s a very nice butt,” Hunnigan complimented and Helena laughed.
“What does ‘hello nurse’ even mean?” she then asked, getting into bed.
“You never watched Animaniacs ?” Hunnigan asked and Helena shook her head. Hunnigan went on to explain the show and its premise, and the catchphrase which was something the Warner siblings said whenever they saw someone attractive.
“Oh, I see, okay,” Helena nodded. With that, Hunnigan finished writing her email, sent it and turned the laptop off. She put it away and settled to lay back on the bed, Helena snuggling close to her, finding her favorite spot in the world as Hunnigan reached to turn the light off.
“Thank you for today,” Helena said quietly.
“No need to thank me, I’m happy you had a good day,” Hunnigan smiled. Helena tilted her head back and captured Hunnigan’s lips into a gentle kiss, lingering there for a long moment before slowly pulling back when Hunnigan shifted, turning to lay on her side, exhaling deeply, content at being able to finally lay on her side again now that her shoulder was getting better. Helena scooted closer to her, pressing her back tightly against Hunnigan.
She rested her head on Hunnigan’s arm that was stretched out in front of her, and reached to entwine her fingers with Hunnigan’s. Helena closed her eyes, taking in all the little details and memorizing the sensations of the moment. Hunnigan’s arm around her midsection, her breath in Helena’s hair, her body pressed against Helena’s back.
“You’re so...warm and comfortable. I feel so good here you have no idea,” Helena said softly. “And feeling like a kitten in a warm basket of laundry doesn’t count because you were on heroin so it was artificial,” she then pre-emptively invalidated Hunnigan’s only counter argument.
“Fair enough,” Hunnigan chuckled quietly.
“And seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I have no idea where I’d be if it weren’t for you.”That wasn’t entirely true, she had a pretty good idea; she’d be dead, and most definitely by her own hand.
“Please, stop thanking me, it’s not necessary. I love you, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”
“Ingrid...”“I’m here,” she said, squeezing Helena’s hand in her own as Helena awkwardly fiddled with Hunnigan’s fingers.
“I’ve been thinking about what we discussed before...regarding sex.”“Okay?”There was a long moment of silence while Helena worked to arrange her thoughts into what would make a coherent sentence when spoken aloud.“Am I allowed to change my mind?” she inquired and Hunnigan chuckled quietly.
“You’re allowed to change your mind whenever you want to and as many times as you need to,” she said.“What I’ve been thinking is...that my only frame of reference regarding sex is what Sergeant Good did to me. I’ve never...had sex voluntarily,” she disclosed and felt Hunnigan hug her tighter to herself, not needing to say anything, the gesture more than sufficing to relay her want to comfort Helena.
“And I think that I owe it to myself to try it with someone who isn’t out to hurt me, you know?” she added in a mutter.
“That sounds good to me, but only if it really is something you want to do for yourself, and not just because you think it’s something you need to do for me.”“No, I’m doing it for myself,” Helena assured.
“All right,” Hunnigan said.
Helena turned around so that she was facing Hunnigan and leaned to kiss her gently.“So...um...” she mumbled into the kiss a little awkwardly.
“Oh, you meant now!” Hunnigan exclaimed into the kiss when she realized it.“...if you’re not too tired?”
“I’m not.”Helena kissed her again and pushed her hand under Hunnigan’s T-shirt, wanting to feel her bare skin under her palm.It wasn’t until Hunnigan slowly brought her hand up along Helena’s side and moved it over to cup her breast that Helena felt a twinge of discomfort lance through her. She put her hand over Hunnigan’s and gently but firmly moved it away, hoping it would be enough to let Hunnigan know she didn’t want her breasts touched.“Okay,” Hunnigan acknowledged in a soft whisper, moved her hand over to Helena’s back and raked her fingernails over her skin lightly. Helena let out a small sigh of relief at not having to explain herself to Hunnigan, and returned her focus on kissing and caressing her once more. Oh, God, she feels so good. I love her so much, Helena thought, unable to keep the quiet whimper from escaping her throat and unable to keep from arching her back under Hunnigan’s touches. The thought of making love to her wife for the first time ever was incredibly arousing and Helena deepened the kiss, pushing her hips against Hunnigan firmly when she felt Hunnigan’s hand grip her waist.
You have the tidiest cunt I’ve ever seen, Sergeant Good’s uninvited words bubbled to the surface in the form of an intrusive thought, and Helena could feel herself glitching and fragmenting; aware that she was in bed with her wife but at the same time convinced that she was in Sergeant Good’s office, pinned against her desk. No, not now, Helena squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that she could see white webs forming in the darkness. I’m with Hunnigan. I’m okay. I’m safe. I can trust her.
If you trust her so much then open your legs for her.
She realized she couldn’t, her body was paralyzed, her reaction quite similar to the one she’d had earlier at the cemetery; she’d been conditioned to react in a certain way to certain situations, her body couldn’t tell the difference between actual foreplay and the mockery of it Sergeant Good had subjected her to because the overall similarities were there.
Open your legs, you useless whore!
“Helena?”
“What?” her head snapped back, her breath shallow and quick.
“What’s wrong?” Hunnigan asked quietly, and suddenly Helena burst into tears.
“I’m sorry, it’s not you, I swear, I—” she sobbed, feeling utterly mortified. Hunnigan put her arms around her and held her.“It’s all right, my love,” she assured, running her fingers through Helena’s hair in slow and gentle strokes, “you can cry as much as you need to. I’m not going anywhere.”Unfortunately, her words didn’t have the effect she assumed they would, and Helena scoffed irritably before sitting up on the edge of the bed.“Would you stop that!” she snapped.
“Stop what?” Hunnigan frowned and sat up as well.
“Stop being so damn understanding, it’s making me feel bad!”
“Stop and do what, have a tantrum like a kid who didn’t get the lollipop she was promised?”“Yes! I don’t know. Maybe!” Helena listed, unsure what she was even trying to say anymore, knowing only that she didn’t want Hunnigan’s patience and kindness, she didn’t deserve them. She wanted anger, that was something she knew how to handle, something she could endure, and survive through. Anger was easy. But when had Hunnigan ever let her get off easy?
Helena was certain Hunnigan had no idea how many times she’d screwed Helena’s plans over with her kindness and warmth, starting from letting her chase after Simmons (despite knowing Helena was lying about Leon having a lead, she had no doubt Hunnigan had known she’d lied) and saving her from the death penalty afterward to not leaving in an impatient huff right now when she was denied what should’ve been a simple everyday thing, namely the pleasure of making love to her wife.“You know me better than that,” Hunnigan whispered, leaning closer and pressing a soft kiss onto Helena’s shoulder.
“Please don’t touch me right now,” Helena mumbled hoarsely through the silent tears, rolling her shoulder as she pulled away. Her skin hurt and she was slowly becoming aware of her wrists and hands being stiff and in mild pain from having remained clenched tightly.
“...okay,” Hunnigan whispered. “Is there anything I can do for you?” she then asked.
“I want you to hate me. Just for a little, just for a moment.”“I’m sorry, Helena. That’s something I can’t ever give you.”
“Well, then what—”
—what good are you!
Helena sucked in a series of shuddering breaths, the words and thoughts swirling in her mind becoming less and less her own and more her abusers’. Charlie made a tiny whining noise as he rested his muzzle on her knee, nosing her arm to get her attention. Helena smiled through tears and petted his head, telling him he was a good boy as Hunnigan moved to sit next to Helena on the edge of the bed.
She noticed Hunnigan was gripping her own wrist and it took Helena a moment to realize she was doing it because she needed to literally restrain herself from reaching over and taking Helena’s hand or pulling her into a hug; to keep herself from attempting to comfort Helena with a simple physical gesture because Helena had told her not to touch her. Truthfully, Helena wanted nothing more than to be held right now but at the same time the mere thought of being touched made her recoil, not just because her skin was hypersensitive all of a sudden but because she didn’t think she deserved to be held, she felt like having Hunnigan touch her would be wrong toward Hunnigan.
“I’m not going to pretend I understand what’s going on inside you right now, because I know I can’t even imagine the pain you’re in. But...I want you to know that I could never hate you,” she said and Helena sniffled, unable to think of anything to say. Not that she would’ve been capable of speaking, the uncontrollable sobs overwhelming any attempt.
“For as long as I’m around, you’ll have someone who loves you, unconditionally and very deeply,” Hunnigan said, her voice stern and serious, commanding; the voice Helena had heard her use only when she’d witnessed Hunnigan set a rogue agent straight by telling them she was giving them a direct order. It wasn’t an angry tone, nor were the words delivered with hostility, but it was a tone that made it clear it was time to do what Hunnigan said or suffer the consequences.“I have no intention of going anywhere, and since I’m here you’ll just have to get used to being loved. Do you understand?” Hunnigan said and Helena chuckled through tears, sniffled and nodded; there was only one answer to that question presented in that tone of voice.“Yes, ma’am.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Filling her up with his manhood, he makes sex with her like a stallion.
The more Hunnigan tried to keep from laughing, the more obvious her shaking shoulders and the barely contained snort that escaped from her nose after a series of rapid, loud exhales became.
“I’m sorry, but how can anyone write this seriously? And does anyone actually take this seriously? Do you, as a reader?” she laughed.
“Not the trashy ones, no, but judging from your reaction, you can see their entertainment value,” Helena chuckled.She was sitting in the middle seat, having temporarily given her window seat to Charlie so that she could lean into Hunnigan who was holding the terrible romance novel Helena had bought from the airport so that they could read together during the flight back to D.C. from Pittsburgh.Hunnigan had tried bringing up the events of last night up with her this morning but Helena had made it clear she didn’t want to talk about it, on the contrary, she preferred to pretend none of it had happened. While Hunnigan didn’t think it was a good idea to keep ignoring the subject and pressing any unresolved emotions regarding it down, she’d let it slide this time. Maybe Helena would bring it up in therapy and find some kind of a resolution.Hunnigan wasn’t upset about the act being crudely interrupted by Helena’s mind slipping, and she wasn’t very bothered by the idea of possibly ending up with an incredibly inconsistent, or even non-existent, sex life. She knew it was not in any way easy for Helena, and considering everything she knew Helena had gone through, she understood perfectly. What she didn’t understand was Helena’s penchant for blaming herself about it.Her reaction to Hunnigan being fine with stopping rather than guilting or coaxing Helena into continuing despite her having said she didn’t want to was so strange, the last thing Hunnigan had expected was Helena getting angry with her over it. Then again, anger was the emotion Helena seemed to default to when pushed outside of her comfort zone, and accepting that someone would love her seemed to be what made Helena most uncomfortable. Frankly, that made loving her rather challenging at times.
“What? Why are you staring at me?” Helena asked.
“Oh, I was just...wondering why are most romance novels so terrible yet so popular?” Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder, deciding not to go into details about what she’d been thinking of.“Because romance is an incredibly difficult subject to get right, and since most authors are hacks who fail at genuine storytelling, they resort to writing smut which is basically porn for housewives and therefore popular,” Helena answered and Hunnigan’s eyebrow twitched.
“So why do you read them?” she inquired with a smirk.“For the same reason I watch Jersey Shore; at some point it gets so bad it actually tips over to the so bad it’s good-category. Like just now. But also, there’s a chance that one day I’ll stumble upon a really good romance novel. It could happen.”“Sure, sure,” Hunnigan chuckled.
“You know what’s really impossible to find? I’ve heard stories of such things possibly existing but never have I ever seen anything that would imply it’s real.”“I’ll bite, what is it?”
“A lesbian romance novel. It’s easier to find good men than it is to find good lesbian romance novels.”“Maybe you just need to do a better search. People think they know how to Google things, but they—”
“All right, fine, how about this; you find me a good lesbian romance novel, and I’ll...um...I don’t know what to wager, I’d already do anything you asked,” Helena said and Hunnigan smiled.“I find you a good lesbian romance novel and in return, you be kinder to yourself. Deal?”
“Ugh, you ask so much of me. Fine,” Helena rolled her eyes and Hunnigan chuckled.
“I love you,” she said and turned to kiss her.
“Do you mind!” an annoyed voice came from behind them, and they both turned to look through the gap between the seats.
Hunnigan could see that in a second Helena had already prepared to tear this woman a new one, maybe starting by telling her they wouldn’t be having this conversation had the woman witnessed a straight couple kiss, and that it was rather weird she was peeping at them through the gap anyway, she had the option to look anywhere else and not eavesdrop their conversation, but instead she’d inserted herself directly into an intimate moment between the two women in the seats in front of her. While Hunnigan would’ve gladly watched Helena do that, she decided to intervene before that would happen, because the last thing they needed was to end up on a no fly-list after an incident.
“It’s okay, we’re married,” Hunnigan smiled sweetly at the woman and proceeded to kiss Helena again.After landing, there was one more thing regarding dealing with her past that Helena wanted to do. She wanted to go over to the storage unit and clear out what remaining stuff she still had there. She’d managed to sell all of her furniture and the other common household items she’d had, and the unit was almost empty save from a few cardboard boxes. It was pointless to keep paying rent for the space now that it was practically empty.
“I need to get a job now that I’m out of furniture to sell,” Helena said as she turned the lights on and stepped in with Hunnigan.
“I’ve said it before but you don’t have to worry about—”“Yes, I know, I know, but I do not enjoy being a kept woman, it makes me feel guilty, so you can expect me to start contributing as soon as I find work,” Helena interrupted, kneeling beside one of the boxes she’d kept moving with her but had never opened since packing it initially. She couldn’t even remember what was in there. Couldn’t have been anything important or she would’ve had reason to unpack it by now.
“I understand but, again, I don’t want you to worry about money, just focus on—”“Ingrid. Please. I am not recovering from a major illness, I can’t just ‘focus on recovery’ like this is a temporary thing, because it isn’t, I’m never going to be cured from this,” Helena said and stood back up, moving over to Hunnigan. She put her arms around her waist and pressed their bodies together as Hunnigan put her arms over Helena’s shoulders and hugged her close.“I am managing it. I’m being treated for it. It’s just who I am and I’m fine with it. Now...I appreciate what you’re saying and I know you’re just being supportive, but you don’t have to keep telling yourself that you need to coddle me ‘while I recover’, you know? I’m fine. A little cracked and misshapen from all the breaking and all the gluing back, but I’m fine. I promise,” Helena whispered earnestly and smiled when she felt Hunnigan hold her tighter.
“I love you,” Hunnigan mumbled against the top of Helena’s head.“And I love you,” she replied and slowly pulled back from the embrace. “Now, how about we clear this junk out and get this over with so we can go home and cuddle while you show me Animaniacs so I’ll know what the fuss is about, yeah?” she then smiled and Hunnigan nodded.
Helena unfolded the top of the cardboard box and paused for a moment, exhaling a quiet “oh” when she saw the contents. Chuckling softly, she pulled out a stack of CDs and sat on the floor as she went through them, gesturing for Hunnigan to join her.“Spice girls, Britney Spears, Aqua, ‘N Sync, Christina Aguilera...Eminem, Blink-182...huh, not at all what I would’ve imagined you listening to as a kid,” Hunnigan smiled as they flipped through the CDs.
“Oh yeah? Well, what did you listen to as a kid, little miss judgy,” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“I wasn’t judging!” Hunnigan denied. “I listened to Roxette, Heart, Pearl Jam, Melissa Etheridge, The Offspring...and a bunch of indie and metal, some blues, most of all that because of my dad’s influence really,” she shrugged and put the stack of albums away.“Speaking of dads, here’s mine,” Helena said and handed Hunnigan a photo from the thin, disorganized stack she held in her hands. “Thank God I didn’t inherit his forehead,” she added, the young man smiling in the photo having a rather high forehead indeed, and the way his (noticeably receding) hairline was shaped only seemed to emphasize it. He had thick, dark eyebrows and blue eyes, the root of his nose was somewhat deep in face giving him a permanent little crease which made him look like he was frowning even when he was smiling. His smile, however, warmed up his features, making him look rather kind.
“You did inherit his chin and jawline,” Hunnigan commented.
“Yeah, that’s about all I got, as far as physical traits go anyway. From what I remember he was rather quick to anger as well,” Helena muttered.“What was his name?”“Thomas. And this is my mom, Tess,” Helena said and handed Hunnigan another photo, this one featuring a woman who looked remarkably much like Helena, except her face was noticeably more square and the tip of
her nose was thinner and sharper than Helena’s.“And...that’s...Frances,” Helena muttered, her voice dropping low at the name as she handed yet another photo over.“She doesn’t look like the kind of a person she was,” Hunnigan said quietly and Helena chuckled ruefully. The brunette in the photo looked like any woman, perhaps not remarkably beautiful but attractive in that semi-plain way some people could be. Helena appreciated Hunnigan not pointing out that Helena had inherited her grandmother’s eyes, their shape and shade so near to identical it disturbed Helena occasionally.“What about your grandfather?” Hunnigan asked as she handed the photo back.“Gone the moment he realized he’d knocked Frances up,” Helena said. She let Hunnigan know Frances had more than frequently spilled her guts about despising that man, usually while drunk and emotional about the past. When she got like that, it would only end up in one of two ways.
Either she’d remain sad and go on about how much she missed her son who had apparently been the light of her life, or she’d get furious about a past injustice done to her either by the man who disappeared rather than took responsibility for his child, or the injustice done to her by God himself for having left her stuck with two grandchildren when she’d never wanted them or even her own kid to begin with.
“Sometimes her mood would shift from sad to angry if I dared to show my face and remind her of the reason she’d gotten held back in life, so I guess it made sense to her to blame me for everything.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that. And for the record, it makes no sense, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Hunnigan said.“Thanks. Anyway...” Helena trailed off and put the photos away. There weren’t a lot of them for the obvious reason that the only person who technically was in charge of taking them, namely Frances, hadn’t cared enough to bother. Not that Helena minded; what was there to be gained from an excessive amount of pictures, a handful to remind you of what someone now gone looked like was enough. She knew she was in the minority with her thinking, the majority of people nowadays taking a picture of every meal they ever had. She’d never quite understood the point of doing that and sharing the picture to their friends on social media made even less sense. Unless it was a fancy cake you made yourself from scratch, what was there to get so excited about?Helena turned her attention to the other box. Within was a VHS copy of The Lion King , a DVD of Stephen King’s Creepshow, a scratched and worn portable CD-player, and a stack of Garfield comics.
“I think it’s safe to throw this junk away,” Helena said after checking the contents.
“Can I have the comics? I think Seeley would like Garfield ,” Hunnigan said.“He knows how to read?” Helena frowned as she handed Hunnigan the comics, and she laughed, shaking her head.
“No, darling, I’ll read to him,” she said and pressed a kiss onto Helena’s cheek that was quickly turning a shade of red as she blushed, slightly embarrassed by not realizing the obvious.Despite Hunnigan’s mild objections, Helena threw out everything besides the Garfield comics and the photos of her parents. She didn’t need reminders of Frances and she certainly had no need for old CDs. Once they’d cleared out the storage unit, they headed home, stopping briefly to grab some take out and groceries on their way.
“How do you feel about ice cream for dessert?” Helena asked as they passed the aisle of frozen goods.
“Helena, we’re adults.”“...so we can have as much ice cream as we want?”
“Exactly,” Hunnigan confirmed.
“I have an idea. Let’s get vanilla ice cream and some cookies and mash the cookies into the ice cream and pour milk over it.”
“Why not just get the kind of ice cream that has cookies already in it?” Hunnigan frowned and Helena rolled her eyes.
“You know, for an uppity quarter-French woman you know very little about fancy cuisine. That way the cookies will be nice and crunchy. But you gotta eat fast before the milk gets to them, so you only crumble in one cookie at a time,” she explained.
“That’s your idea of fancy cuisine?” Hunnigan snorted. “Where were you raised, a Dairy Queen?”
“I wish, a Dairy Queen would have had air conditioning,” Helena smirked and reached to get the ice cream before grabbing the front of the shopping cart and beginning to lead the way to the cookie aisle.
Once home, Helena took their bags to the bedroom —to be unpacked later, and knowing herself, she suspected her bag would remain unpacked for weeks if not longer— while Hunnigan took the shopping into the kitchen.
“Hey, look what I forgot about,” she laughed when she opened the freezer to put the ice cream in.
“Oh, nice,” Helena rolled her eyes when Hunnigan held up the bag of frozen breast milk for her to see.
“Want another latte?” she teased, shaking the bag and Helena narrowed her eyes, smirking.
“Who drinks coffee at this hour? I’ll lose my night’s sleep. Tell you what; heat it up, stick a straw in it and I’ll drink it like a Capri-Sun before bed,” she said.“Better not, this was expressed before New Year’s so it’s been in there for over ten months, it’s a biohazard at this point,” Hunnigan shook her head and closed the freezer. “And for the record, even if it were fresh, I wouldn’t have let you drink it,” she added and threw the bag into the trash.“I’m hurt, you’re my wife, I’m pretty sure it says in the Bible that I too should be blessed with the abundance of my wife’s breasts, or something along those lines,” Helena said and Hunnigan pursed her lips and quirked an eyebrow at Helena’s comment.“Don’t look at me like that, I only know this because I used to look up the dirty stories from the Bible when I was kid.”
“And a line about drinking your wife’s breast milk was what you considered dirty?” Hunnigan laughed.“I was seven, breasts were a naughty word to a seven year old Helena Harper, thank you very much. And for the record, I’m calling it now, the next time you’re pregnant, I get first dibs on the milk,” Helena jested and Hunnigan blinked in surprise. “Oh, come on, I was obviously joking, I know I have mommy issues but I’m not that far gone. At least I don’t think I am,” Helena elaborated with an awkward chuckle but that wasn’t the issue that had caused Hunnigan to pause and stare at her like she’d just grown not one but perhaps three extra heads.“Uh...’the next time I’m pregnant’?” she repeated in a questioning tone, and Helena felt her entire scalp slide back when her eyebrows rose in surprise.
“I didn’t mean it like that, I was just saying, I was making a joke, you were supposed to laugh. Fuck, this is awkward,” she exhaled.
“All-righty then,” Hunnigan drawled.“Seriously, forget what I said, I worded it wrong. Let’s just eat and go to bed, I’m hungry and tired,” Helena babbled, grabbing the container of food and sitting down, biting into the cheeseburger hastily so she’d have her mouth full and thus an excuse to not converse further.
It wasn’t until they were in bed about half an hour later that Hunnigan spoke up again when Helena moved to rest her head on Hunnigan’s chest.
“‘My beloved is unto me as a bundle of myrrh, that lieth betwixt my breasts’. Song of Solomon,” she said and Helena could hear the cheeky grin in her voice.
“You did not just know that off the top of your head, or if you did, I want you to explain why.”“Baby, I know everything,” Hunnigan said cockily.
“No, no, I’m pretty sure you looked it up on your phone when you were using the bathroom earlier. Side note, terribly unhygienic, you should never bring your phone to the bathroom,” Helena muttered.“I don’t, unless I need to Google Bible verses about breast milk,” Hunnigan laughed quietly.
“Look...I’m sorry, I took the joke too far, I didn’t...think,” Helena sighed an apology.“Don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Hunnigan assured gently.
“I made it weird, it was meant to be a joke, I didn't mean I want you to get pregnant. Unless you want to get pregnant, then obviously it's not my place to-"“Helena, sweetheart...I get it, everything’s okay, I promise,” Hunnigan said and cupped Helena’s cheek in her hand, caressing the side of her face with her thumb. Helena turned her head slightly and pressed a kiss onto Hunnigan’s palm.“Okay. All right,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “So...is it okay if I just bury my face into your tits and disappear from the world for a while?” she then grinned.“‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you, let her breasts satisfy you always’,” Hunnigan said dramatically.
“You’re enjoying this a bit too much,” Helena said and Hunnigan nodded in the dark.“Yes, but the important thing is, you’re always welcome betwixt my breasts.”
“Oh, God,” Helena groaned and Hunnigan laughed.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Twenty minutes later Helena was fast asleep, her breath condensing onto Hunnigan’s skin as she slept with her face snugly pressed against Hunnigan’s chest, making her wonder how was Helena even able to breathe properly in there. Hunnigan, however, couldn’t get to sleep, Helena’s “joke” having triggered a thought process Hunnigan hadn’t realized she’d need to work through because it had never occurred to her to do so. Namely, she’d never stopped to wonder or ask if Helena wanted children.If it came down to Hunnigan needing to be the birthmother, the answer was a simple and an absolute no. While she loved her son more than life, she would never want to go through with being pregnant again because she’d experienced probably every single negative side effect of being pregnant, the most terrifying one having been the couple of weeks she hadn’t been able to walk because the way the pregnancy had decided to reshape her body had messed everything up so badly her back had thrown in the towel and just decided it would not co-operate with her at all.For a while she’d been certain the effects would be permanent. And of course the doctors hadn’t been able to really do anything because while having surgery to fix the issue was technically an option, no one was willing to operate on a pregnant woman unless her life was in danger. Add to that the minor inconveniences like the nausea, the acne, the problems with her digestive system, and the dietary limitations...no, she would not go through all that again, not even for Helena.
If she wants a baby, she’ll just have to carry it herself, she thought, and that was another thing Hunnigan hadn’t thought about and hadn’t realized that maybe she should.
When Hunnigan had realized she was pregnant, she’d spent the first few days just cursing herself and Major for being so stupid. How could she have let that happen? How could she have forgotten she’d stopped taking the pill the moment she’d filed for divorce because she’d no longer had any intention of sleeping with Major? Why hadn’t that idiot worn a condom?Nevermind that it made sense he’d assume it was safe to have unprotected sex with her, they’d been doing it for nearly a decade, he should’ve stopped to think about it. Admitting it was all her fault was out of the question, even though she knew she hadn’t thought about protection either and she’d been the one who’d initiated it.
She’d carried out the last of her things from the house and they’d stood in the foyer after she’d checked to make sure she’d gotten everything, and thinking that this would be the last time they’d ever see each other, she’d kissed him. It was meant to be a kiss goodbye, but some switch got flipped and before she knew it, she was dragging him into the bedroom and taking his clothes off, pushing him onto the bed and climbing on top of him.So no, it wasn’t like she’d given Major a chance to even get a condom, but it was easier to blame it on him than accept that she’d gotten herself into that mess, Major’s contribution to it being as minimal as the male contribution generally was when it came to creating life.
From cursing herself for being so stupid and irresponsible, she’d moved on to the next obvious thing to consider; should she keep it? She’d come up with a lot of reasons why she should not —work, money, time, responsibility, doubts about her own skills as a parent; plus at the time she’d been barely thirty years old, she’d most likely have another decade, give or take a couple of years, to decide if she wanted a baby and go through with it then. Evidently she could get pregnant, surely her reproductive organs would work just the same a few years later.Truthfully, she’d never seriously thought about having kids later either, and she had not known if she’d really want a child until she had him. Even when her water broke some time during the band’s anniversary gig at the Music hall of Williamsburg and during the encore she’d finally had to accept that this was happening, even when she’d been pushing that tiny human being out from her body (convinced that wasn’t even the weirdest thing that had happened on the couch in the backstage), she had not known she’d want to go through with being a mother.
Knowing what she knew now, she wouldn’t trade having her son for anything, but she was quite confident she did not want another child. She could deal with Seeley because he spent every other week at his father’s house and as guilty as Hunnigan felt about admitting it, she was glad that was the case because she needed her alone-time.She knew it was selfish, and she was certain no mother was allowed to say such things lest she be shamed to death by others (who would silently agree but could never say it out loud for fear of being judged as well because mothers are supposed to be devoted to their children, there was no room for anger and impatience in motherhood), but it was the truth.
It didn’t make her a bad mother, on the contrary, she was certain her son was happier spending time with his mother when she wasn’t exhausted and angry all the time. Would the same be a possibility if she and Major weren’t divorced? Probably not because it seemed that typically it was the woman who had to take care of the children and the husband while he did nothing around the house.Being a mother was a lot easier when the father carried his weight, allowing her to have time to herself. Ironically the responsibility of parenthood was shared equally only because they didn’t live together anymore, and that was what made all the difference.Thinking of it that way, Hunnigan knew for a fact that if she had another child with Helena, sharing responsibility would not even have to come up, Helena would do her part and more, no question. Of course, Helena had never said she wanted a baby nor had she directly implied as much either, at least not until the joke she’d made earlier, so perhaps all of this was moot.“I’m sorry,” Helena muttered in her sleep, her sudden utterance startling Hunnigan.
“For what?” she whispered.“It’s my fault,” Helena replied, and Hunnigan sighed deeply.
“I’m sure it’s not, sweetheart,” she said quietly and ran her fingers through Helena’s hair as she held onto her. That seemed to be enough to calm her down and she continued slumbering peacefully. Hunnigan nuzzled the top of her head and exhaled deeply.
A part of her wished she could take away Helena’s pain and feel it for herself instead if it meant it would help her overcome it, but she knew that even if she had the capability to do that, it wouldn’t help. I can’t fix her and I have to stop thinking I should, it’s not my responsibility, and she doesn’t need me to do it for her, Hunnigan mused.
Helena Harper was the only one who could fix Helena Harper, and Hunnigan’s role was to be there and support her while she did that, not to hammer out the dents and make everything good as new on the surface. It wasn’t an easy part to play for someone who was used to taking on problems and fixing them as she saw them.She’d reluctantly come to accept that she didn’t even have the tools to fix this problem because when it came to certain kind of pain, she only had one very specific fix which, frankly, was useless with anyone other than Major or someone who thought about things similarly.
When he’d come home after a day of seeing terrible things while busting human trafficking rings and interviewing the victims who were often just little girls, he didn’t go through the stereotypical “tough guy”-act of getting drunk while isolating himself and cursing the evil cruel world while sinking deeper into depression.His coping mechanism had been to come home and put his head in her lap and tell her he’d had a terrible day. Sometimes he’d needed more. Saying he had to go home to have sex with his wife after interviewing children who’d been forced into prostitution sounded completely wrong if you didn’t know the reason it was happening was not the obvious one.
In his mind he felt that he could balance all the evil by inserting something good and pure into the universe, for as long as there was at least one good man who was genuinely gentle and loving, a good man who worshipped the woman he made love to, there was hope that not everything had to be dark and terrible all the time.It made sense in its own way, Hunnigan supposed, and she had been glad he’d spoken to her and gone to her for comfort and support. However, that method of support would not work with Helena, she couldn’t just make love to her until she felt better.
Helena’s pain was deeper, at times it seemed perpetual, and no amount of hugging and kissing it better would work. It hadn’t occurred to Hunnigan that sitting back and doing nothing would be the hardest thing to do to support Helena.
“I want my coffee covered in bees...in a plastic cup with a spoon in it,” Helena said, her tone very serious and Hunnigan chuckled quietly.
“Do you want sugar in that?” she couldn’t resist asking. Their sleep schedule was typically rather evenly matched meaning she didn’t often stay up and witness Helena’s nocturnal mutterings, but she was beginning to think maybe she should, apparently Helena had a lot to say in her sleep.
“Milk,” Helena responded, "don’t tell the penguins I said that,” she then added after a brief pause.
“I won’t, I promise,” Hunnigan said.
“What kind of a monster hits a pregnant toddler?”
“What?” Hunnigan laughed but Helena was done talking for the night.Hunnigan had finally begun to drift off herself when she was rudely woken by the sound of her phone vibrating on the nightstand. She swallowed hard against the rapid beat of her heart thumping in her throat, pushing down the anxiety that insisted on raising its head when she considered all the bad things an unexpected message in the middle of the night could be about.She sighed a silent thank you to the deities above when she saw the message was from her brother. I found the cutest little thing! the message read, followed by a link to a video that had been titled “A compilation of all the times Mia interrupted Lee”.
First of all, who is Mia? Second of all, why did you find this? Hunnigan messaged him back and a moment later he responded.
Considering my delightful narcissism it should not come as a surprise to you that I am Googling myself at three in the morning. The audience doesn’t know Helena’s name, they call her Mia because they mistook you calling her vida mía as her name. Just watch the damn video, it’s cute!
Hunnigan chuckled quietly at Nolan’s words and reached to grab the earbuds from the nightstand. The video was, as the title implied, a roughly ten minute long compilation of Helena entering the room while Hunnigan had been streaming live Q&As and guitar tutorials. Helena’s face wasn’t visible and she always made sure to practically flatten herself against the wall to make sure as little of her got caught on the camera as possible.
Considering her reluctance to appear publicly did speak volumes of her desire to look after Hunnigan because the only reason Helena ever interrupted her was to bring her something to eat or drink while remarking it had been several hours since she’d started streaming meaning she had to be hungry. Hunnigan smiled when she realized Helena had been doing this even before they’d begun dating.
Almost certain she’d regret it, Hunnigan decided to scroll down to the comments-section. To her surprise the comments were civil and even wholesome.
Anyone else love how Lee gives the biggest heart eyes to Mia every time she sees her? one of the comments read and Hunnigan smiled at that, deciding she’d need to tell Helena about it. Maybe pointing out that even strangers on the Internet can see how much Hunnigan loves her would be enough to get Helena to accept it, or at least help her get there eventually.After barely getting two hours of sleep the night before, Hunnigan had been running on fumes the entire day. Caffeine did nothing to help, she was quite certain with the amount she was used to drinking and how high her tolerance was it never would again. Her need to sleep became unbearable by two p.m. and she found herself nodding off at her desk.
She had no idea how long she’d passed out for, but when she woke with a jerk, she realized she was no longer alone in her office. The embarrassment of being caught literally sleeping on the job was quickly overshadowed by anger at the woman trespassing.
“I was hoping to make a grand entrance and surprise you, but here you are, taking a nap and missing it completely,” Ada Wong sighed, leaning back in the chair opposite to Hunnigan’s desk, one leg crossed over the other. She was dressed in her signature color, the red silk shirt with the black suit jacket creating a bold color combination which only seemed to amplify the aura of power Ada had.
“How did you get here?”
“This again?” Ada rolled her eyes. “The same way I get anywhere, hun.”“What do you want, Ada?” Hunnigan sighed.
“I came to cash in that favor you owe me.”“Fine. What can I do for you?”
“I’m going to Louisiana, there’s a washed up tanker I need to investigate, and I want Hawke and Harper with me.”“And people in hell want ice water,” Hunnigan scoffed. “Not gonna happen.”
“I wasn’t making a request, Ingrid.”“Helena doesn’t even work for the DSO anymore!”
“Good, because this isn’t a DSO operation.”“And if I refuse?”
“You really don’t want to do that.”“What is it that you think you can blackmail me with?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow. She had no secrets Ada could exploit, nothing that would devastate her life in any way if it were to come out anyway
“Hun, give me ten minutes and I can start a war with what I know. Believe me, you don’t want to know what would happen if the public were made aware of the details of certain DSO operations. I’m sure you remember how badly leaks affected the CIA’s reputation. Whether or not it was called for is up for debate but there’s no recovering from things like that, not really.”“Yeah, except the DSO doesn’t stage coups in foreign countries to overthrow their elected governments and plant our assets in charge.”“See how quickly that’s where your mind went just at the mere mention of the CIA? Do you even know if that’s something they actually do, or is that just something you read somewhere?” Ada smirked and Hunnigan couldn’t answer because she wasn’t sure.“As for the DSO, no, you only illegally detain and interrogate your own citizens in the name of national security, I’m sure that’ll go over even better with the public. Imagine the people’s reaction when it comes out that ‘it ain’t just the brown terrorists’ you go after,” Ada said, her momentary exaggeration of the stereotypical redneck accent so out of character it was hilarious, but Hunnigan wasn’t amused.
The DSO was nicknamed “The President’s sword”, they were supposed to represent the elite of the elite, the ultimate good guys, sworn to protect the country and its people from every threat, domestic or foreign. That meant their actions reflected on the president and if their reputation got tarnished, Hunnigan didn’t think the president would appreciate being associated with the agency after that. It certainly would severely impact the amount of free reign and oversight the agency currently enjoyed, and the last thing Hunnigan needed was someone breathing down her neck and watching everything she did.She didn’t think the director would appreciate it either, and Hunnigan hadn’t forgotten his remark about her breaking the rules whenever she saw it fit and necessary; she wouldn’t be able to do her job if those freedoms were taken away. Or perhaps she could but she wasn’t sure she’d want to.
Perhaps she was behaving like a spoiled brat, but she legitimately did not want to answer to someone who only cared about doing things by the book. Director Shepard cared more about efficiency and results, that was something Hunnigan could work with. And it wasn’t like she cut the corners often or did anything that was blatantly illegal...she just left some things out of her reports or alternatively did a little rounding up to make the agency look better, harmless and victimless crimes, just a little hint of fraud that never hurt anyone. But nonetheless, still technically crimes, or at the very least bad form.“Fine,” Hunnigan muttered.
“Excellent. Here’s all the details about the mission, don’t be late,” Ada smiled sweetly, stood up and placed a folder onto Hunnigan’s desk, then shouldered her bag before turning to leave.“One question,” Hunnigan called out and Ada paused at the door.
“Yes?”“Why Harper and Hawke? I would’ve thought you’d ask Leon to come along,” Hunnigan said.“Leon is on furlough. Not to mention he would get too involved, I want agents who will do their jobs and go home. He’s sweet but he’s clingy, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed,” Ada said, and Hunnigan had to admit she wasn’t wrong. There’d been times when Leon had turned up at her doorstep, drunk and sad, if she hadn’t answered to his drunken texts or calls.
At one point it had been so bad Major had accused her of having an affair with Leon, and Hunnigan hadn’t been able to blame Major for thinking that. What else was he supposed to think when another man routinely came over to figuratively cry on his wife’s shoulder. To this day she didn’t think Major had fully believed she never cheated on him.
“As for Harper, well, I’ve seen her in action, I know what she can do, I know I can trust her to have my back. And Hawke...I just want to see how she does after her ordeal.”
“You want to see if the infection left her with any special abilities,” Hunnigan filled in the blank, and Ada merely shrugged innocently.“See you in Dulvey.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Don’t get angry. You make mistakes when you get angry. Terrible mistakes, you do things without thinking them through. Your actions have consequences, stop and think. Don’t do anything, don’t say anything until you’re sure it won’t ruin your life.
Helena had been telling herself that on repeat for over twelve hours because she knew that if she’d stop, she’d open her mouth and say something she’d regret. She’d gotten too close to that earlier the same morning.“So you’re just gonna give me the silent treatment?” Hunnigan had asked.
“No, I’m just—” Helena had begun to say but had barely managed to stop herself from finishing the sentence. I’m just doing what I need to do to keep myself from verbally cutting you into pieces, you DSO lapdog. “Nevermind, I can’t talk to you,” she’d said instead, thinking that while her initial words were hurtful and mean, they were not completely uncalled for.
The only reason Helena was on a plane headed to Louisiana was because Hunnigan had essentially sold her into servitude mainly to protect the DSO’s precious reputation. Hunnigan had explained it was more important than just keeping up the agency’s appearances, it was about funding, oversight, jurisdiction, win-lose-ratios, about ensuring the identities of the undercover operatives remained a secret (although Ada hadn’t specifically threatened her with that, it had been implied).Had it not been for said undercover operatives’ lives being in potential danger, Helena would’ve quite frankly told Hunnigan that she had more important things to worry about than the fucking DSO and its reputation. Sadly, it was becoming clear Hunnigan didn’t feel the same way.
She’d told Ada that Helena would be there without even asking her about it, without taking a moment to think that maybe Helena wouldn’t want to do it. Without considering what would happen if she had another one of her episodes while on the field.
Why would she think about those things? Clearly the agency means more to her than I do. I’m expendable, the DSO is her life’s work. She loves her fucking job more than she loves— no, no, that is not true. Don’t go there, that’s a lie. Her priorities might be different than mine but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me, Helena stopped that train of thought. Doctor Wilkes would be proud when she’d tell her she’d managed to prevent herself from spiraling out of control.
That and when she would tell her about how well she’d controlled her anger for someone who, according to Wilkes, was at the very least someone who suffered from borderline intermittent explosive disorder, which was a fancy way of saying she got disproportionately angry over little things. Helena didn’t agree with that diagnosis because she didn’t think her anger was unjustified or disproportionate, nor did she agree with the way it was framed as a disease which absolved people from taking responsibility for the messes they’d made simply by stating they couldn’t help it, it was the disease’s fault.It wasn’t a disease. Cancer was a disease, if you had it, you couldn’t simply learn to will it away. Same couldn’t be said about poor impulse control, you could learn to take charge of it. That was what Helena was doing right now. Had she actually been powerless in front of her “disease”, she would probably currently be regretting having insulted Hunnigan and filing for divorce.Helena was beginning to realize she didn’t much like this side of Hunnigan. She loved her when she was Lee Del Rey the musician or Ingrid Hunnigan the civilian who was her wife, and her supportive and patient friend. Agent Hunnigan of the DSO however was a distant, cool and calculating professional who prioritized the mission over everything, and she was not easy to love or to like even.Back when everything in Tall Oaks had happened, she’d risked her own career and life by essentially harboring rogue agents who at the time had been considered domestic terrorists, and Helena had thought she’d done it out of loyalty and friendship toward her and Leon. It was becoming clear to Helena now that hadn’t been the case at all.
It had all been about the mission, about protecting the agency from Simmons who’d turned out to be a threat to the DSO as well as to everyone else, it was just a lucky coincidence for Helena that her handler happened to be the one person who would go to those lengths to protect her agency even from a crooked national security advisor. Helena was feeling less and less flattered when she considered Hunnigan hadn’t done her favors out of the goodness of her heart. Not completely anyway.After landing, Helena, Hawke and Hunnigan collected their bags from the overhead compartments and under the seats (no one had any actual luggage, there was no point in bringing more than what you could fit in a backpack) and exited the plane, then headed toward the runway café where Ada had instructed them to meet with her. Helena was regretting having worn a jacket; it was October, it made no sense to her that the temperature would be over eighty degrees.She stopped to remove it and folded it over her arm before hurrying to catch up with Hawke and Hunnigan who’d both had the foresight to dress more appropriately, Hunnigan in a sleeveless blue collared shirt and jeans, Hawke in less business casual attire, wearing a black tanktop and gray cargo pants. However, compared to Ada who was wearing a dress which started out dark red at the top and gradually turned black toward the hem, everyone looked under dressed.“Just on time,” she greeted them with a smile and went to exchange air kisses with Hunnigan like they were old friends meeting after a long time of not seeing each other. Helena exchanged a perplexed look with Hawke but shrugged it off then. Better to appear nonchalant and friendly rather than look like a bunch of spies up to no good, never knew who was watching.
“Are you hungry? I highly recommend chef Leon’s signature crab cakes,” Ada then said and gestured at them to sit down, and they did. For a while Helena thought she was speaking in code but glancing at the menu she realized it was an actual dish.
“I could eat,” Hawke said and Helena saw Hunnigan roll her eyes a little. She shared the sentiment, she too would’ve rather just got this done and over with, but Ada informed them it would be over an hour before their ride would get here, so they might as well eat. Hawke decided to try out Ada’s suggestion and ordered the crab cakes while Hunnigan got herself an omelet.“So, what’s the plan?” Helena inquired as she dug into her meal of steak and eggs.
“When we’re done here, we’ll head over to the sheriff’s office and get some directions,” Ada said and apparently that was all she was all the information she was willing to offer at this time. They continued eating in silence which was growing uncomfortable until Hawke decided to break it by bringing up the elephant in the room.
“So, what’s going on with you two? Trouble in paradise?” she asked, gesturing with her fork at Hunnigan who sat next to Ada on the opposite side of the table, and then at Helena who sat beside Hawke.“You could say that,” Helena said and took a drink of her Coke which she’d requested at room temperature with ice rather than refrigerated, her request having made people raise their eyebrows. She’d explained it tasted much better that way but no one was convinced. Their loss.“What do you mean ‘you could say that’, I did just say that,” Hawke quirked an eyebrow.
“Leave it, it doesn’t matter,” Hunnigan said.“Yeah, it’s just like my opinions and consent, they don’t matter either,” Helena muttered, leaned over her plate as she brought a piece of steak into her mouth, and followed it up with some potatoes, filling her mouth to keep herself from speaking further. Keeping her mouth full was turning out to be a handy trick but at this rate, she’d get so fat so fast.Hunnigan inhaled and exhaled deeply and loudly through her nose in annoyance, and Helena could tell that she too was struggling to keep herself from saying hurtful things in anger.
“It won’t matter as long as you can work together. If you can’t, you’re useless to me, so whatever you have going on, figure it out or tell me now if you can’t,” Ada commented.
“It won’t affect the mission, you have my word,” Hunnigan said sternly.
Once they were done eating, Ada paid the bill and they headed outside where a black SUV was waiting for them, a man and a woman dressed in black suits and wearing aviator sunglasses standing by it. They looked so much like bodyguards or agents that it was comical, they certainly weren’t worried about being covert.
Helena realized their exaggerated appearance was probably something Ada had arranged; they made for a decent distraction for as long as people were focused on wondering about the secret agent-looking types who probably actually weren’t agents at all, the less time they spent wondering about Ada and her entourage, provided they managed to discreetly distance themselves from the agents afterward.
“Now, why in the hell would I bring you decaf on purpose? I’m the one who has to suffer you through the day,” a deputy was saying when they entered the station which was not much more than an open office with a single counter serving as a kitchenette, a few desks (only one of them separated from the rest of the open office by glass walls), a couple of holding cells in the back, and a long row of filing cabinets. The woman the deputy had spoken to made a show of slowly pouring the decaf coffee down the sink.“Hello. What can I help you ladies with?” the deputy then turned his attention to the four women standing by his desk.
“We need to speak with the sheriff,” Ada said.“That would be me,” said the woman who’d poured her coffee down the drain. She threw the paper mug in the trash and
introduced herself as sheriff Kay Hunnicutt before directing them into her office.
“We’re with the Environmental Protection Agency, we’re here about the tanker that was reported washed up in the bayou after the hurricane,” Ada said, showing the sheriff her (presumably) fake credentials.“I ask for a cleanup crew and they send me four city girls? What do they think this is, a fashion show?” Hunnicutt chuckled mirthlessly as she merely glanced at the credentials before handing them back to Ada.
“We’re here to assess the severity of the situation, the cleanup crew will be sent afterward.”“And how long will that take? Because I’ve got a damn tanker leaking oil or whatever the hell that shit is into the bayou, people aren’t exactly happy about it. Don’t even get me started on the environmentalists who’ve been up my ass about it, and I’ve already got my hands full with them threatening to blow up the local pipelines, I don’t need this,” Hunnicutt said.“I assure you, this is our top priority, it will be handled swiftly as soon as we can get there to assess the situation,” Ada said once more and the sheriff sighed.
She pulled up a map and gave Ada all the information she had, noting that they’d need to take an airboat to get to the tanker. When she offered to come with them to navigate them through the alligator-infested waters, Ada quickly refused her assistance.
“Not to worry, we have our own navigator,” she smiled and patted Hunnigan’s shoulder.
“...right,” Hunnicutt said slowly, one eyebrow arched as Hunnigan offered a less than reassuring nod and a smile.
With that, they concluded their business at the sheriff’s office, Ada promising the crew would get there soon. Helena couldn’t help but worry a little about the consequences of that. If the sheriff assumed Ada would handle it, she’d probably cross the tanker off her to do-list, and Helena doubted Ada would actually inform the EPA or anyone else about the tanker, meaning it would be just left to sit in the bayou. Then again, if the sheriff was right about the environmentalists, surely they’d soon enough bring attention to the tanker again, right?
“I gotta say, I love your accent,” Hawke then said to the sheriff as they were about to leave.
“I bet you get to hear that more than you get to say it,” Hunnicutt responded with a chuckle. Helena discreetly elbowed Hawke in the ribs to get her to move, and they said their farewells before exiting the station.“What did you do that for?” Hawke questioned once they were outside, rubbing the sore spot in her ribs.
“We’re in the South, you can’t just flirt with the sheriff, you’re gonna get us hate crimed,” Helena muttered.“Oh, come on.”
“Oh, you come on.”“Play nice, girls,” Hunnigan muttered.
“Great, you made Hunnigan condescend to us, are you happy now?” Hawke teased and Helena growled in frustration. No, she was quite far from happy. She was angry at her wife, she was uncomfortably hot and sweaty, she wanted to go back home and take a shower and go take a walk in the chilly D.C. evening with her dog, work out her frustration and talk to Hunnigan in private. But she couldn’t have any of that, now could she.Ada led them to a nearby motel where she’d made arrangements for three rooms, one for Helena and Hunnigan, one for herself and one for Hawke. They would spend the night and head over to the bayou in the morning. Hawke, who had made a quick detour to the nearby convenience store, re-joined the group after Ada had checked them in. She was carrying two six-packs of Dulvey Beer in her hands, the bottles foggy and sweating in the heat. Ada handed her the key to her room and entered her own without saying goodnight.
“You coming?” Hunnigan asked as she stood by the open door to her room which she’d expected to be sharing with Helena.
“No,” Helena answered and instead went to the room next door, pushing past Hawke to enter.“Fine, whatever,” Hunnigan muttered, got into her room and shut the door.
“Oh, wow, that was cold,” Hawke said. Helena put her backpack by the couch and took a seat, sighing deeply.“Yeah, well,” was all she could think of to say.
“What is going on with you two, what did she do?” Hawke asked as she took a seat on the bed and opened a bottle of beer.“She forced me to come here. You’re not bothered by the fact that we got dragged here?” Helena frowned as she dug out a fresh shirt from her bag and unrolled it. She had a few shirts and even a spare pair of jeans, learning how to pack efficiently was the one thing she was thankful to her army service for.
“Well, no. I go where Hunnigan tells me to go, it’s kind of in the job description,” Hawke chuckled.
“You do realize this isn’t a DSO operation?” Helena questioned and Hawke shrugged one shoulder.
“Yeah, but I don’t really care, I’m getting paid to do something I’m good at, why should it matter whose operation it is?”
“Not knowing doesn’t bother you at all? What if we’re inadvertently helping some black market arms dealer, or a corporation working with those types? I mean, I wouldn’t put it past Ada, and she’s the one in charge here.”“Look, I don’t have philosophical thoughts about my missions, I do my job, get paid, and go home; what happens afterward isn’t up to me. Not everything needs to be a huge effort toward some imaginary greater good, you know,” Hawke said.“Well, I don’t work that way, which is why I also no longer work for the DSO, and it pisses me off that Hunnigan would drag me into this shit after everything. She knows I don’t want to have anything to do with this anymore, and she recruited me for this mission without even asking for my opinion.”“What, really?”
“Yeah, this morning was like ‘here’s your coffee, and by the way, we’re gonna go to Louisiana to help Ada clean up some monsters because Ada asked nicely’. No conversation, no consideration about how I might feel about it, just told me to pack my things and take my dog to the kennel for a few days.”“Well, now I get it, I’d be pissed too if I were you. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even be here, I would’ve just told my wife to go fuck herself if she’d done that to me.”“Believe me, I almost did tell her that and more. But, she’s my wife and I love her. It’s just that sometimes she can also be an incredibly inconsiderate jackass...but on the other hand she’s also the same woman who plays me love songs on the guitar and takes care of me.”“Hunnigan plays the guitar?”
“And the banjo. And the bass. And the drums...that I know of, the list could be longer. I thought you knew.”“Nice! And I dunno, maybe I did, I don’t remember.”
“Well, yeah...so, she can be that person but then there’s days like this when she’s kind of an asshole, so...you understand my dilemma.”“I doubt she’d leave you if you called her out on her bullshit. Hunnigan doesn’t seem like the unreasonable type to me, and your reaction is reasonable,” Hawke said.
“Maybe. I don’t know, I’m just mad at her right now, and I guess I can’t do anything about it, so I’m just gonna go take a shower and go to sleep.”“Sure you don’t want a beer?”
“I don’t think getting drunk right now is a good idea.”“Who said anything about getting drunk, I only got 12 bottles, it’s not gonna be enough for getting drunk, especially if we share,” Hawke laughed and handed Helena a bottle. “Drink up before it gets warm,” she smirked.
“Eh, why not,” Helena shrugged and opened the bottle.
“So, what’s she like in real life?”
“What do you mean?” Helena frowned.“Like...until today, I didn’t even know she owned clothes that weren’t suits, you know? I can’t imagine a civilian-version of her at all,” Hawke chuckled, and Helena snorted. She couldn’t blame Hawke, she’d been in the same boat until fairly recently.
“Outside the office, she’s one of the funniest, sweetest people I know.”
“Funny? Really? Nope, I can’t picture it. Like, what does she do for fun, knit?” Hawke chuckled.“Hey, I knit!” Helena said, mildly offended at the implication.
“You!” Hawke guffawed in disbelief.“Yes! Comfortable wool socks don’t just magically appear out of thin air, thank you very much!”
“Wow, and here I thought you were the wild one.”“So
did I, but then I got to know Hunnigan,” Helena chuckled. “But, yeah, she’s, uh...she’s very different when she’s off-duty. One time she brought me flowers and said ‘I saw these and thought I’d show them how pretty you are’, and I had never even realized I’d want anyone to bring me flowers, I hadn’t thought about it, but it was so nice, and—”“Kinda corny,” Hawke interjected with a smirk.
“Shut up, it made me feel good, so it doesn’t matter if it was corny,” Helena said..“Naw, I get it,” Hawke smiled.
“Sometimes she plays the guitar for me, didn’t think I’d enjoy something like that as much as I do either,” Helena said and Hawke rolled her eyes.“Your wife brings you flowers, serenades you, and is generally supportive of you, what the hell are you complaining about?” she scoffed.
“Well, when you put it like that, I look like the asshole here,” Helena pouted.
“I wonder why,” Hawke teased.
“Shut up, Jeri.”“Fine, have another beer and tell me something personal about Hunnigan, give me something funny to think about when she inevitably yells at me for something,” Hawke chuckled.
“I’ve barely taken two sips, how are you already on your second bottle?” Helena frowned and Hawke belched loudly.“Don’t look at me like that, I’m not an alcoholic, I’m British.”
“You know what I never understood about your people? The British empire practically took over India for spices and still you guys eat stuff like beans on toast, which sounds so bland it makes my taste buds invert, what the hell happened to you?”“That’s our punishment, bland food is how we atone for our sins committed in the name of spice trade,” Hawke said dramatically. “I’m impressed by your knowledge of history, very un-American of you,” she then smirked.
“My wife is roughly one hundred and ten times smarter than I am, I’ve made an effort to educate myself so that I won’t come across as the lower class bimbo that I am...compared to Hunnigan anyway.”“Wow, for a pretty young thing with big tits you sure are insecure.”
“I know, but don’t you just love the contrast; you look at me, you expect a mean girl, but when you get to know me, you realize I’m just a giant ball of emotional scar tissue.”“Well, I mean, isn’t that what most mean girls are at the core?” Hawke asked.
“Touché...to some extent,” Helena shrugged.“But...you don’t actually knit, do you? Be honest,” Hawke then doubted again and Helena scoffed. She grabbed her bag and pulled out an unfinished work, the knitting needles sticking out of the small, loose ball of rainbow yarn.“It doesn’t look like it yet, but when I’m done, it’s gonna be a sock with a picture of Rainbow Dash,” Helena said as she displayed the proof of her hobby.
Hawke explained she just couldn’t believe someone as young as Helena would have a hobby typically associated with grandmothers. Helena didn’t bother remarking she’d learned the skill from her younger sister, not her grandmother. Frances had tried teaching Helena but she’d quickly lost her interest and patience because Helena was left-handed which made teaching her slightly more complicated. Deborah, however, hadn’t given up on her and eventually, she’d learned.“Is it supposed to be that small, though?” Hawke then asked.
“Yeah, they’re for Hunnigan’s son, he’s crazy about those ponies,” Helena replied as she put the work away.
“Oh, right, I keep forgetting she has a kid. Or, well, seeing as you and Hunnigan are married, doesn’t that kinda make him your kid too?”
“I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about it. I mean, we haven’t talked about a lot of stuff, we kinda rushed into things because, uh...you know, reasons.”“Lemme guess, insurance?” Hawke smirked.
“I am not confirming or denying anything,” Helena smirked back and Hawke laughed, finishing her beer and opening yet another one.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell,” she assured. “Is the dad still in the picture?”
“Yeah, they share custody. I don’t really know him. Well, except...” Helena trailed off and began to laugh.
“What?” Hawke frowned.“I know that he apparently has a beautiful penis.”
“...why would you know that?” Hawke asked and began to laugh as well.
Helena explained how and why she knew it, and in a way it felt so absurd that it had been barely a year since she and Hunnigan had gotten snowed in at the cabin together, and yet so much had changed since then; Helena could say almost her entire life had changed.
I wouldn’t even have a life if it weren’t for her, I would’ve killed myself last Christmas, Helena thought grimly.
“You okay?” Hawke asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little tired, I’m gonna hit the hay,” Helena avoided the question, not wanting to explain the sudden shift in her mood. She put the beer away, having drunk barely half of it.“Okay. You mind if I stay up?”
“No, don’t worry about it, I come prepared,” Helena smiled and went to the couch and pulled it out, making a bed for herself, then went rummaging through her bag and took out a sleep mask. She put it on and wished Hawke good night before putting the earbuds in and playing a video that had the atmosphere of a cozy cabin.
The sounds of wind, wood creaking, and fire popping and cracking in the fireplace took her back to the night she’d spent in snowed in with Hunnigan, and she quickly drifted off to sleep to the calming sound of the flames’ hum.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan hadn’t realized quite how much she had come to need Helena next to her to be able to sleep comfortably. It was an odd thing to realize for someone who prided herself in being able to handle solitude and taking pleasure in being by herself. It was also slightly embarrassing, one little spat with her wife and the self-proclaimed Queen of Alone could no longer get to sleep? How pathetic to be so dependent on another person.
Okay, that’s uncalled for,
Hunnigan scoffed internally. It wasn’t a dependence as much as it was a preference. If need be, she could be without Helena. She’d just really, really rather not be.
She’ll get over it, she just needs time to be angry at me,
Hunnigan sighed.
She understood why Helena would be angry, there was no question her reaction was justified. She just wished Helena would take into consideration that Hunnigan honestly hadn’t had the time to ask or even properly discuss this with Helena before they’d already had to leave because Helena had been in class and then volunteering at the hospital, and gone pretty much straight to bed after coming home, Hunnigan’d had no other choice but to wait until morning to tell her.
But of course, that was merely a minor detail, even if she’d told Helena a week in advance it made no difference because the bigger violation of her trust was the fact that Hunnigan had volunteered Helena for the job without asking her. Of course she could’ve refused to go, but that would’ve made her the asshole and Hunnigan the martyr, and Hunnigan knew Helena preferred it much better this way.
That said, all excuses and justifications aside, Hunnigan agreed that she was the one in the wrong with this one. She just didn’t quite know how to even begin making it all up to Helena. It would take more than a fancy dinner, flowers, and tickets to the ball game.
Are they even playing anymore or is the season over?
Hunnigan pursed her lips and reached for her phone to check, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. She frowned deeply and looked at the time. It was past midnight, this couldn’t be good.
“Oh, wow. Wow, I had no idea how hot you look with your hair down.”
“Hawke, what the hell?”
“Sorry,” Hawke shook her head.
“What do you want?”
“Right, uh, I think your wife’s broken, could you come over and, just...I mean, I don’t know what to do,” Hawke said awkwardly and Hunnigan followed her into the room where Helena sat on the couch, squeezing the grip of her pistol so hard her knuckles were white.
“Helena...” Hunnigan said quietly and knelt beside her.
“I am going to kill every last one of them,” Helena said through shaky breaths.
“Who?” Hunnigan whispered.
“They killed Maxima and they are going to die for it.”
Maxima?
Hunnigan frowned. It took her a moment to remember the name of the soldier Helena had looked up to while in the army. The soldier who had died when their vehicle had hit an IED. The soldier whose death Helena had more than sufficiently avenged in the aftermath of the explosion when she’d gunned down the men who’d approached the scene after the explosion.
The latter was a detail Hunnigan had not heard from Helena, it was something she’d dug up from her record, the accompanying remarks stating there had not been confirmation the men she’d shot had been responsible for planting the explosives but that there also was no evidence to the contrary.
Helena had told her she didn’t remember what happened after she and the surviving soldiers had taken cover, and Hunnigan hadn’t told her what she’d read. Some things were better left forgotten, especially if there was a chance the men had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hunnigan doubted it, but she didn’t want to put the possibility into Helena’s mind where it would take root and eat away at her, sapping her mental health when she’d eventually become unable to stop thinking about how there was a small chance she’d killed innocent people. Hunnigan felt the way Helena was punishing herself over things already was more than enough.
And here I go again, making big decisions for her without even informing her about it. Then again, if she wanted, she could read the record herself, so it’s not like I’m hiding it,
Hunnigan thought.
“Helena, I need you to put the gun down, okay?” she said quietly.
“No. I need it.”
“No, you don’t sweetheart, you’re in Louisiana with me, you’re safe, you don’t need the gun, let’s put it away, all right?” Hunnigan coaxed and Helena refused again. Hunnigan persisted for a couple of minutes and eventually, Helena finally nodded and choked out an almost inaudible “okay” in response.
Hunnigan slowly put her hand over the gun and helped unwrap Helena’s fingers from around the grip. She then gave the weapon to Hawke who removed the magazine and pulled the slide back, the errant bullet released from the chamber falling onto the couch cushion with a soft thud. Hunnigan let out a long shaky exhale and wiped the nervous sweat from her upper lip.
“Come on...let’s get you to bed, okay?” Hunnigan whispered and Helena nodded.
“Okay,” she mumbled and stood up, allowing Hunnigan to lead her to her room and into bed.
“Has she been drinking? I noticed there were empty bottles in your room,” Hunnigan then asked Hawke.
“No, she had one beer a couple of hours ago.”
“You’re sure? Because I’m going to give her a sedative and if you’re lying—”
“I’m not, I promise,” Hawke said.
“All right. Could you grab a soda or a water or something from the vending machine?” Hunnigan then requested and Hawke nodded, heading over to do so. In the meanwhile, Hunnigan went to her bag and pulled out a bottle of pills. She shook one out of the bottle, and gave it to Helena, and then relayed the can of orange soda Hawke had brought to her as well. Helena popped it open and washed the pill down.
“I’m sorry,” Helena apologized, her mouth twisting as she tried not to cry. She handed the can to Hunnigan who put it on the small bedside table as Helena settled to lay down.
“It’s all right,” Hunnigan whispered, running her fingers through Helena’s hair.
“Does this happen often?” Hawke inquired a few long minutes later after Helena had begun to drift off, more out of pure tiredness than the sedative at this point.
“It hasn’t in a while. And it usually doesn’t involve the gun,” Hunnigan answered.
“Damn, that must be difficult to deal with.”
“I imagine it’s more so for her,” Hunnigan said ruefully.
Hunnigan woke up to a noise Helena made in her sleep. Glancing outside, she saw it was dawn already, the clear night sky beginning to shift from purples and dark blues to oranges and pinks of the sunrise. Hunnigan rubbed her eyes and moved to hold Helena, pressed a gentle kiss onto her ear and whispered that everything was all right, hoping her words would reach Helena and dispel whatever nightmare she was having.
“Ingrid,” Helena half-muttered, half-moaned sleepily and nudged herself closer, pressing her body against Hunnigan’s.
“...wait, are you having a bad dream or a wet dream?” Hunnigan smirked when Helena brought her leg over Hunnigan’s hip and pushed herself tightly against Hunnigan.
“Oh, shut up, Del Rey,” Helena muttered against Hunnigan’s throat, and she laughed softly, running her fingers through Helena’s hair.
“Why am I here?” Helena asked.
“You had a little episode last night, remember?” Hunnigan said softly and kissed Helena’s forehead.
“Oh, shit, I did, didn’t I. I thought I’d gotten over those already,” Helena sighed.
“You haven’t had one in a while, I’m guessing it’s the stress of this situation that brought it up,” Hunnigan reasoned and Helena finally pulled back from the embrace.
“Maybe, and I stupidly listened to some fire-sounds to fall asleep last night. The sound of burning is one of the first things I remember hearing after coming to after the explosion back...then...so that was dumb of me.”
“Okay...but for what it’s worth, I really am sorry about all this, Helena. I’m not going to make excuses, there’s nothing that would justify how badly I handled this.”
“Yeah, well...I am sorry too.”
“Why?” Hunnigan frowned.
“I thought a lot of mean things about you.”
“Well, I think you had the right to,” Hunnigan chuckled softly. “I just want you to know that I will do everything I can to make it up to you, if you’ll let me...and if you’ll tell me what can I do to fix this.”
“There’s one thing you could do,” Helena said, and rose to lean on her forearm, reaching to run her index finger back and forth over Hunnigan’s shoulder and her collarbone.
“What’s that?” Hunnigan asked, and Helena slid her arm over Hunnigan’s shoulder, leaning over to kiss her deeply, her hand resting over the back of Hunnigan’s neck, her fingers sunken in Hunnigan’s hair. The kiss deepened and lingered on, and Hunnigan had already almost forgotten what they’d been talking about when Helena finally broke the kiss with a resounding smack, and said: “Quit your job.”
“What?” Hunnigan scoffed against Helena’s lips.
“Quit your job at the DSO,” Helena said again.
“You can’t be serious,” Hunnigan said and sat up.
“Can’t I?”
“Quit and do what?” Hunnigan asked and began to get dressed; not because she wanted to get up and get going, but because she felt she needed to busy herself with something. Pretending to fumble with the buttons of her shirt could buy her much needed extra seconds when she’d need them to think of what to say.
“You had a job before the DSO. Or with your tech skills, I’m sure you could, I don't know, develop an app or something. Or work with your brother full-time, I’m under the impression he relies on you for the majority of the lyrics for his songs,” Helena listed, shrugging her shoulders.
“You can’t be serious,” Hunnigan repeated.
“Why not?”
“Well...!” Hunnigan began, needing a moment to think of something. “The pay is good, and the benefits are great, and in case you forgot, said benefits...benefit you too,” she stammered a little, tucking her shirt into her jeans.
“Other jobs have benefits too.”
“All right, you know what? I don’t have to justify myself to you. I like my job, and I have no intention of quitting.”
“You said you wanted to make up for blatantly ignoring how I might feel about this mission before signing me up for it, and I told you how you could do that, and your response is to tell me...not gonna happen. Good to know how much you really meant what you said.”
“I did mean what I said, but within reason, for God’s sake! You can’t seriously ask me to quit!” Hunnigan snapped running her hand through her hair in exasperation.
“I know. Which is why I didn’t.”
“What?”
“I’m not stupid. I know that if I seriously gave you an ultimatum and forced you to choose between the DSO and me, you’d choose the DSO.”
“That is unfair.”
“Yeah, it is. More so for me than for you, but yes,” Helena muttered.
“Why are you being like this? I’m sorry, and I’m sorry that my apology isn’t enough, I’m sorry I can’t do anything more about anything right now, if I could’ve, I would have had a conversation about this with you before deploying, but I literally did not have much more of a warning either, Ada showed up and told me we gotta go. You know what’s on the line here, it’s not like I was in a position to refuse. I can’t go back in time and handle this better, so what do you want me to do?” Hunnigan ranted. “And don’t tell me to quit my job because you know that’s unreasonable! I would expect you of all people would understand the need to feel like your work matters! So what the hell do you want from me!” she added agitatedly
“I don’t know! I guess I would like to know that sometimes I’m your top priority.”
“And any other day you are!” Hunnigan barely managed to keep her voice down to a reasonable level. She tied her hair back and ran her hands over her face, grinding her teeth as she swallowed back the tears that were beginning to sting in her eyes.
“I’m sorry I evidently haven’t made you feel that way,” she told Helena and was about to step out of the room when Helena got up and reached to grab her arm.
“Wait. I’m sorry. I don’t...I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t like...this!” Helena said, gesturing at herself.
“And I don’t...I don’t know what you want me to say,” Hunnigan sighed.
“I know I’m being unfair and unreasonable, I know you’ve given me more time and attention than I deserve, I know you’ve done so much for me already...I
don’t
know why I’m acting like this, I...thought I already knew everything that was wrong with me but apparently there’s still something to be discovered,” Helena said through tears.
“Maybe you’re conflicted because you’re angry at me but also feel like you’re not allowed to be angry at me.”
“Well, you’re not wrong. But this is so stupid, I don’t...I’m sorry. My life is so much better with you in it, and I’m sorry I don’t know how to act like it,” Helena said and Hunnigan put her arms around Helena, hugging her to herself.
“Can we go back to bed and cuddle, and talk about this or alternatively forget about it and move on?” Helena requested in a tiny voice. “I don’t like that we’ve been fighting, and yes I know I’m the one who kept it going so it’s my own fault, and I’m sorry, I just want to be with you.”
“Well, I’m kind of already dressed, I was thinking about getting some breakfast at the diner across the street,” Hunnigan said.
“Is it even open at this hour?”
“It’s an open twenty-four-seven-kind of a place,” Hunnigan said.
“Are you sure I can’t convince you to stay? Undressing won’t take long. I’ve already undone most of your buttons anyway,” Helena said and glancing down, Hunnigan realized she wasn’t exaggerating.
“How did you manage that so fast?” she chuckled.
“I got really good at it when your arm was broken, remember?” Helena grinned and tugged the hem of Hunnigan’s shirt from underneath the waist of her jeans.
“I did quite enjoy having you do that for me,” Hunnigan smiled.
“I enjoyed doing it,” Helena said and slipped her hands underneath the shirt, running them over Hunnigan’s abdomen and up her sides until she reached Hunnigan’s shoulders and proceeded to pull the shirt off from her shoulders. Hunnigan shrugged a little to assist removing the shirt and reached to toss it onto the back of a chair, repeating the motion to remove her bra after Helena pinched the back of it to undo the hooks. She then followed Helena when she hooked her fingers in the belt loops of Hunnigan’s jeans and tugged her toward the bed.
“I guess we have an hour or two to cuddle,” Hunnigan murmured and fell onto the bed with Helena who put her arms around Hunnigan’s midsection and wrapped her legs around Hunnigan’s waist.
“I love you. And I’m sorry for being so...bi-polar,” Helena said and gasped then. “Oh, my God, what if I actually am? How many mental problems can one person have?”
“I don’t think you’re bi-polar, sweetheart, you were just angry and got over it before you had a chance to be angry long enough, so you had to get mad at me all over again.”
“I hate how much that actually makes sense,” Helena muttered and Hunnigan chuckled.
“Why did you get over it so quickly, I was expecting you to be giving me the cold shoulder for a least a week.”
“I was telling Hawke what you’re like outside the office and she may have told me to quit complaining because you’re pretty awesome. I also may have told her that you play the banjo naked.”
“It was one time!” Hunnigan guffawed. “I told you, I had an idea in the shower and had to play it before I forgot!”
“Yeah, I totally left that part out intentionally,” Helena grinned.
“Try me again and I’ll switch you for Hawke since she appreciates me more. She called hot last night.”
“Did she now?” Helena’s eyebrow quirked. Hunnigan opened her mouth to answer but before she could, Helena had flipped them over so that she was on top, and leaned down to kiss Hunnigan hard.
“I’m gonna have to have words with her about flirting with
my
wife,” she mumbled into the kiss.
“Wait...you’re not actually jealous, are you? Because—” Hunnigan questioned and Helena shook her head a little.
“No, I trust you, and I can’t blame Hawke for having great taste in women,” she smiled and kissed Hunnigan once more before sliding lower on the bed and resting her head on Hunnigan’s chest. “Is it okay if I just stay here for a while?” she asked.
“It’s always okay,” Hunnigan promised, putting her arm around Helena and held onto her, running her fingers through Helena’s chestnut brown hair. “I kind of envy you for your hair,” she commented then and Helena scoffed a little.
“You have nothing to be envious of, it’s thin and straight, and I need a bottle of mousse and an industrial blow dryer to get any volume, you’ve seen me first thing in the morning, it looks like a cow licked my head,” Helena said and Hunnigan laughed.
“Believe me, I’d rather have that than this, you remember what happened when my hair straightener broke.”
“Vividly, I was the one who had to iron your hair.”
“And it takes about a month for my hair to dry when it gets wet. Don’t even get me started on how it behaves in the humidity,” Hunnigan listed and Helena reached to twirl a lock of Hunnigan's hair around her finger.
“You know what I’ve realized? That it doesn’t matter what you have, you’re always going to envy people who have the opposite. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had women tell me they wish they had breasts like mine. If they knew all mine have gotten me is...” Helena trailed off and absent-mindedly fidgeted with Hunnigan’s hair before clearing her throat. “Uh...unwanted attention, they wouldn’t envy me in the slightest,” she finally finished her sentence, and Hunnigan suddenly realized what had triggered Helena’s panic attack back in Pittsburgh.
Hunnigan felt rather dumb realizing it hadn’t even occurred to her that maybe Helena wouldn’t want her breasts touched. Then again, in her defense, it was probably one of the most common parts of foreplay, how could she have known since Helena had never said anything.
Well, now I know for the next time. If there’ll be one,
she thought.
“You have a point,” she said aloud.
They fell quiet and lay still in the comfortable silence, both drifting off back to sleep for a few more moments. They were woken up roughly twenty minutes later by a knock on the door, and Helena went to answer it.
“Good morning, ladies!” Hawke said happily.
“How are you not hungover?” was the first thing Helena asked her and Hawke laughed.
“Dulvey beer is basically water,” Hawke assured her. “You two kiss and make up yet?”
“I’d like to think so,” Helena smiled, glancing at Hunnigan who smiled back and nodded in agreement.
Helena went to get dressed and they all headed over to the diner for breakfast. Looking at the trio no one would’ve guessed the kind of a day they were preparing for.
***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Ada had learned some years ago that Ingrid Hunnigan liked to spend her free time investigating Ada (or trying to at least), her reaction had been to investigate Hunnigan back. It hadn’t surprised her to find that she seemed to lead a very ordinary life, downright boring in places (it would have to be if she was so eagerly willing to waste time trying to look into Ada’s business, surely she must have known from the get-go it would be a fruitless effort, yet she’d persisted; out of boredom or out of stubbornness Ada couldn’t say but she guessed the former).
She’d graduated from college in minimum time and gone to work for the FBI before she was even old enough to drink. There she’d met a man thirteen years her senior (whose ridiculously hypermasculine name made Ada think of a dog rather than a man), and soon enough she was married to Major Thomas Hunnigan; her recent surveillance on him had revealed that the most interesting thing about him was the fact that he had two mothers.
Ada was willing to forgive the twenty year old Hunnigan for falling for him. Even intelligent young women were incredibly stupid and easily dazzled by older, devastatingly handsome gentlemen. It wasn’t typically until the women hit thirty that they realized their handsome, sensitive boyfriends or husbands were basic, and that being stuck in traffic was more fun than trying to carry on a conversation with a man who had no personality.Ada’s interest in Hunnigan’s life had been reduced to minimal shortly after she’d found out everything necessary to convince her that Ingrid Hunnigan, although brilliant in her field, was no threat to Ada. That said, she’d checked up on her periodically, usually after running into Leon and remembering she existed. When she’d seen Hunnigan had divorced Major, she’d actually said “Good for her” out loud.
She had not, however, foreseen Hunnigan ending up marrying Helena Harper. Whether their personal relationship would turn out to be an asset or a setback during this mission would remain to be seen. Ada trusted Hunnigan would try to ensure they’d do their job despite the obvious animosity between them, but Ada didn’t quite trust Harper to play along, she was unpredictable.
Based on what she’d seen in Tall Oaks and China, Harper was definitely an asset Ada wanted on her side, and she trusted her skillset. She just didn’t trust her, Ada was quite confident that if push came to shove, Harper’s loyalties would not lie with Ada. That was why bringing Leon along would’ve been the preferable option.Then there was of course Jeryn “Jeri” Hawke who looked a little too clean on paper, her entire history reeking of being skillfully fabricated. Ada would know, she had several of those histories herself. And if anyone was skilled enough to make a convincing fake background for someone, it was Hunnigan. The question was why would she do that and what was she hiding.Based on what Ada had seen of Hawke during the surveillance she’d had her under, there was nothing out of the ordinary about her. She was 35 years old, single, had no weird fetishes, no high profile lovers, no issues with drugs or alcohol. It had made no sense that someone as ordinary as Hawke would need a fake history.
After enough digging, Ada had found some references that implied Hawke was or had been involved with the Irish mob but at what capacity, Ada couldn’t say. Considering how efficient Hawke was in combat, Ada found it unlikely she was on the witness protection-side of things, though. Not that it mattered to her either way, the only people worrying about such things were the people trying to make sure the DSO looked flawless to anyone who tried digging up dirt on the agency; can’t have their reputation tainted or the president would certainly disown them, and then what would they do.
So, Hawke, too, was unpredictable to a certain point at least. It didn’t matter much, the reason Ada had wanted her along was what Hunnigan had suspected, she wanted to see if Hawke would react to the mold in the tanker, and if she did react, what exactly would her reaction be. Would the close proximity incapacitate her, or make her stronger? Would she have no reaction whatsoever since she’d been infected with a prototype and what they were dealing with here was a finished E-series model.At least that was the case provided the intel Ada had was correct, it had been difficult to gather reliable information after the company responsible for creating the mold had gotten hint of being spied on and had made an effort to hide their assets, it was a lucky coincidence the hurricane had washed the tanker up here rather than sunk it completely.
All these unknowns...I might be taking a too big risk working with these people, Ada mused and once again found herself wishing she could’ve brought Leon along.He’d been a valuable asset to her, and while she’d shamelessly done him wrong to be able to carry out her own missions, she’d helped him and protected him more than he knew. There were times when she would’ve wanted to tell him how many orders she’d disobeyed just to save his ass, but that would’ve been letting him know how important he really was to her. She couldn’t have that.Ada hadn’t wasted much of her time thinking about what ifs or regretting the way her life had turned out, doing so would serve no purpose. But there’d been moments.What if she would’ve settled down with him. Bought a house with the white picket fence, got a dog, had two kids —a boy and a girl, of course, wasn’t that how the dream went—, turned into one of those PTA moms, encouraged the boy to excel in football or baseball or some other sport he’d make a great professional at if it weren’t for the fact that he’d blow out his knee or something else right before going pro and end up hooked on painkillers before he’s even eighteen; encouraged the girl to become the best ballerina or gymnast or ice skater ever until she developed an eating disorder and an unhealthy competitive streak which would lead her into sabotaging her competition so severely she ends up accidentally killing someone.
Date nights every other Friday, dinner and a movie, alternating between his and her choice of movie. Perfectly mown lawn Leon would care for religiously, gardening for her because who didn’t want to grow their own tomatoes, organic and guaranteed fresh, maybe she’d pick up new hobbies after the kids have moved out.Ada shuddered in disgust just thinking about it all.
Her life had never been meant to go that way.Her mother had been a spy sent to the US in the seventies, and her father had been a “nice guy” who didn’t have the looks or the personality to find a wife the typical way, especially not since the Women’s Movement had convinced women they deserved more and should not just settle. Like many other men sharing his predicament and wishing for a wife who shared his conservative view (or at the very least was happy to shut up, take care of the house and spread her legs when he wanted her to), he’d decided to pick a woman from a catalogue. He just hadn’t realized his mail order bride happened to be a Chinese spy.
Ada had spent her entire childhood and teenage years learning the trade from her mother; gymnastics, weapons handling, coding and decoding messages, blending in, asking the right questions from her targets without making it sound like she was asking anything, convincing them to tell her what she needed to know...and the occasional use of her “feminine charms” to get what she wanted; it was amazing what certain type of men volunteered if you convinced them you'd sleep with them if they'd tell you what you wanted to hear. And for as long as the world was run by men who preferred to think with their dicks, her job remained relatively simple and her targets easy to manipulate.
After the Cold War ended, Ada had found less use for her skills until she had fallen into corporate espionage and crossed paths with Umbrella agents, and later with various other organizations playing in the same sandbox, all trying to outdo their neighbor, all willing to pay big bucks to anyone capable of reducing the competition to rubble. Discovering that, she’d felt like she’d found her true calling.Unlike with the path her mother had set her on, there was no loyalty to any country or political party or movement, there were no strings attached; there were only people willing to pay her to infiltrate the competition, and if she played her cards right, she could talk both sides into paying her before selling everything to a third party who had bid even higher. It was dangerous, of course, and left her with a lot of enemies, but she hardly cared. There was nothing anyone could hold against her.
If they came after her, she’d kill them. If they went after her father, she’d give them his address and ask them to say hi to him. If they threatened her mother, they were too late, she’d died in a car accident over twenty years ago (and to this day Ada couldn’t say if it had really been an accident or if someone had arranged for it but frankly, she didn’t care, the end result was the same regardless of the way it had happened). She had no kids, no significant other (not even for appearances sake), not even a pet rock. She was free of obligations, responsibilities, worry. Just...free.
Sadly for Leon, it would take more than a good-looking DSO agent to get her to give that up. Ada was fond of Leon, of course, she even loved him in her own way, but she would never stay with him. She could manipulate him to some extent even after all this time.He’d stopped thinking with his dick and started thinking with his heart which ironically had made him even easier to manipulate. Unfortunately, Ada had begun to feel sorry for him and thus had become reluctant to put his heart through the grinder unnecessarily. He was a good man and he didn’t deserve it. Sometimes he was just too stupid and stubborn to get out of a situation even after she’d told him to, leaving her no choice but to break his heart.
Leon’s problem was that he was still certain that if he was just good enough to her, if he was nice enough, considerate enough, made sure her needs —sexual and otherwise— were always met, if he could just convince her that he was more than a good man, that he was the best man for her, that he would love her so deeply and thoroughly that she’d never be wanting more, that he adored and worshipped her like the goddess that he thought she was...if he could just get her to look at him while he did all that to show her how good he was for her, she’d love him back just as passionately. But that could never be because she would never love him like that. Frankly, Ada dreaded the day he’d realize it because that would make him unpredictable, and that would be the end of her and him.
Leon, Leon, Leon, she mused as she lay in bed, the first rays of the rising sun seeping into the room, giving everything a warm, rose gold tint. She closed her eyes and let her mind and hands wander.
Now that she thought about it, Leon was the only person she’d actually really enjoyed sleeping with. With everyone else it had typically just been a means to an end, and while most of the time perfectly pleasant, occasionally enjoyable even, it had never left her wanting more, not the way it did with Leon. There were benefits to having a man who worshipped you under you; he was so incredibly eager to please.
Roughly forty-five minutes later she was done masturbating and had showered, gotten dressed in her tactical outfit (which was just something similar to what Hawke had worn the previous day, a black shirt and a pair of black cargo pants) sans the utility belt and weapon holsters, and she headed out to the diner across the street to eat a full English breakfast. It would be a long, possibly eventful day.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone give as cold a look as Hunnigan did to Ada when the spy informed her that she’d be staying behind and was free to do whatever she wanted since Ada had never requested her presence in the first place. Which was just another way of telling her to stay out of the way, and Helena knew Hunnigan well enough to know she did not take kindly to being dismissed as useless. The death glare she gave Ada could’ve murdered a lesser person.
Hunnigan’s job had been to pinpoint the location of the tanker using the DSO satellites, a job she could’ve done from the office back in D.C., rendering her physical presence in Dulvey unnecessary, at least to Ada. Helena didn’t even want to think how badly things could’ve ended last night had Hunnigan not been there to talk her through the episode she’d had.
Regardless, when it came time to gear up and head for the airboat Ada had rented, Hunnigan was ordered to go back to the motel. It wasn’t unreasonable, and while Helena hated seeing how upset Hunnigan was about being left behind, she was glad Ada had told her to go back. She knew Hunnigan could handle herself if she had to but she wasn’t a field agent, and had she tagged along, Helena would’ve spent all her time worrying about her.
Sometimes she did wonder why Hunnigan was so persistent about it, if she wanted to be a field agent, why not apply for a position properly and go through all the mandatory training? Not that Helena wanted to see her get pepper sprayed and waterboarded, both being mandatory parts of becoming a DSO agent. Well, she’s already a DSO agent so I guess I should say I don’t want her to have to go through with it again, Helena realized. While she would’ve supported Hunnigan if she did decide to make the switch and start working on the field, she was glad Hunnigan was not a field agent, it saved her from a lot of worrying knowing the most dangerous part of Hunnigan’s current job was dodging Leon’s bad pickup lines.She jerked back and frowned deeply when Hawke snapped her fingers in front of her face.“What?”
“Focus,” Hawke said as Ada started the engine and began steering them toward where Hunnigan had said the tanker would be.
If it hadn’t been for the mission, Helena would’ve considered this rather fun. The weather was a bit too hot for her liking but it was a beautiful day, the air rushing past her as the boat sped through the bayou cooling her skin comfortably. She looked around the water, trying to catch a glimpse of an alligator. She wasn’t even entirely sure if there’d be any here, and dug out her phone from the breast pocket of her tactical vest. She typed out a message to Hunnigan.
R there gators here?
Normally, she would’ve just radioed her but when Hunnigan had told them to set up the radios and body cams, Ada had said no. To Helena’s surprise, Hunnigan hadn’t argued too much about it. Perhaps because she agreed that the less there was evidence of their presence here, the better, since this mission had in no way been authorized by anyone, at least not on the DSO’s end.
How will she explain using the satellite, though? I don’t know why anyone would look but if they do and they find out she was looking up a random bayou in Louisiana... Helena thought but mentally shook her head then. I’m sure if there was any reason to assume there’d be troublesome consequences, Hunnigan would know how to cover her tracks, she mused. She felt her phone vibrate and opened the message from Hunnigan.
Yes, and if the mold has been leaking into the bayou, there might be infected alligators. Be careful.
“Shit, that’s a good point,” she muttered out loud.
“What?” Hawke mouthed, the sound of the engine making having a conversation impossible. Helena turned the phone over to show her the message.“Infected gators!” she said.
“Fuuuck,” Hawke drawled silently and they chuckled. Helena showed the message to Ada as well but judging from her somewhat disinterested nod, Helena assumed she’d already thought about it.
Roughly half an hour later, they finally arrived at their destination and Ada cut the engine, letting the boat glide over the rest of the way.
Helena unzipped the bag of gear and rummaged through it, beginning to curse under her breath after going through the bag twice.“What’s wrong?” Hawke asked as she loaded the MP5 she favored, slipped the strap over her torso and let the submachine gun hang by her side as she grabbed two fighting knives (or, daggers as one might be more likely to call them) and spun them around in her hands with such dexterity she made handling them look deceptively easy.
“I forgot my shotgun,” Helena sighed in frustration as she inserted a magazine into her pistol and pocketed several spare ones.
“Honestly, I think it’s probably for the best.”“What are you implying?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.
“No offense to your marksmanship, I just wouldn’t want someone waving a shotgun near me, I’ve gotten hit with stray buckshot before, and I did not enjoy it.”“Got hit where?”
“South of Tasmania.”“I meant where on your body,” Helena elaborated.
“So did I,” Hawke laughed.“...I don’t get it.”
“If you Google what the term ‘map of Tasmania’ means in Australian slang, you will,” Hawke grinned.Ada didn’t comment on their conversation, rather just quietly armed herself with a machine pistol and a crossbow, finalizing her preparations by slipping a grapple gun into the holster on her thigh.Seeing the crossbow immediately caused a brief mental image of an arrow appearing out of the blue and impacting Deborah’s forehead to flash in Helena’s mind. She could feel the rush of if whipping by her cheek and clearly hear the bony and meaty thump of if hitting its target, drilling through the bone and sinking into the brain as if it were all happening again right now.“Hey. You ready?” Hawke asked, placing her hand over Helena’s shoulder, her meaning to ask if Helena was all right but her words disguising the fact that she knew Helena was glitching from Ada.
“Yeah. Let’s go,” she nodded, dragging her mind back to the moment from Tall Oaks, tearing her gaze away from the crossbow Ada held and the bolts sticking out from the quiver resting at the small of Ada’s back at a slight angle to keep the contents from spilling out.They climbed over the debris embedded into the ground and made their way into the tanker. Contrary to what Helena had expected, there didn’t seem to be much leakage spilling from the ship. That said, it wouldn’t take much to do a lot of damage, but at least there were no obvious signs of this causing a huge disaster, that was something.Once inside, they turned their flashlights on and quickly came to realize that the clean surface was hiding a hideous mess inside. The stagnant, humid air smelled of wet dirt and mold.“After the infection, I had to live with this stench in my nose for weeks,” Hawke commented quietly as they made their way deeper into the dark.
“Why is everything dripping?” Helena muttered and leaned closer to the wall that was covered in a black gummy substance.
“Don’t touch that,” Ada said, grabbed the back of Helena’s tactical vest and yanked her away from the wall.
“Hurk!” Helena grunted at the sudden pull, and worked to regain her footing. “I wasn’t going to, I’m not an idiot,” she growled and readjusted the vest.
“Come on,” Ada ordered and led the way.
Helena sighed internally and shuddered, trying not to imagine everything that was in the filthy water currently flooding her boots and sloshing around her ankles as she followed, Hawke walking behind her. They reached the stairwell and began heading down, the sudden quiet gasp from Ada catching Helena’s attention.She let one out herself when the beam of light hit the mass cemented on the stairs; a black mess of people all melted together like some grotesque wax prop from a horror movie, the outstretched arms stemming from the now solidified goo conveying a silent story of a group of people desperately trying to escape only to die terrified, locked in agony.“Come on,” Ada said once more and they moved ahead.
They passed through a disorganized room that housed several bunk beds and various lockers, apparently this had been where the crew had resided. Helena noticed a body peeking out from one of the lockers. She signalled Hawke who nodded and carefully reached to pull the door open, the body slumping forward but not falling out completely, sticking to the back of the locker thanks to the black goop that encased it. Contrary to what they expected, the body didn’t come to life and attack; instead, there was no further movement, and they continued on.“What are we looking for?” Hawke asked when they arrived at the floor where the passengers’ cabins were and Ada tried the doors as they walked along the dark hallway that was being overgrown with thick mold, tendrils of it roping along the walls and ceiling.“I’ll know when I'll see it,” Ada muttered and paused in surprise when a door clicked open.
“Doesn’t look like this was just a random passenger’s cabin,” Hawke noted as they entered, shining her flashlight at the military-grade heavy trunk in the back of the room. She opened it and inside were several boxes of machine gun ammunition, a combat knife and a broken handgun, all coated in the same thick substance that was taking over the rest of the ship.Ada wasn’t interested in any of it, her attention on the thick security briefcase that sat beside the couch. She pulled gloves on and grabbed the case, wiping the mess from the surface to get a clear view of the lock.
“Hawke,” she said and handed her the case.
“Got it,” the agent nodded and got to work, beginning to pick the lock. Helena quirked an eyebrow at that but didn’t comment. She hadn’t known Hawke knew how to pick locks, and was left wondering why and how Ada knew it.
“Are you gonna tell us who is responsible for this or will you keep pretending you don’t know anything?” Helena inquired instead and Ada chuckled mirthlessly.
“I always know something,” she responded and continued looking around. Helena let out a frustrated sigh at the non-answer.
“All right, so what happens after you find what you were looking for?” she pressed.
“We go our separate ways.”“I meant more like what happens to this ship, what happens to the people responsible for the mess?”
“Don’t know, don’t care.”“How can you not? What is wrong with you?” Helena demanded and it was Ada’s turn to sigh in frustration.
“What would you like me to do? Write an exposé detailing how companies like Umbrella and entities like The Family are who really run this country?”“Well, it’d be a start.”
“Let’s say I blow the whistle, then what?”“Well, I’d expect there’d be no more messes like Raccoon city and Tall Oaks, no more war zones being infected with bioweapons,” Helena said and Ada laughed softly.
“Nothing would happen because The Family and the likes own every major producer of the things the military needs, all from weapons to the fibers their uniforms are made of, and as long as there is war, there is a steady stream of income. The reason any of this keeps happening is because no one actually wants it to stop, they just want to be the only one profiting from it. There is no stopping it unless extremely greedy people just wake up one day and decide not to be greedy anymore,” Ada said.“So, where exactly do you fit into all of this? Why do you do this? Because sounds to me like greed is what motivates you too,” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“You’re not entirely wrong, I like being able to afford living comfortably, and this line of work happens to pay a lot of money. I’m not heartless, but I also know better than to waste my time wishing I could change the world, and the sooner you learn that your individual efforts are a waste of time, the better off you’ll be.”“I do not accept that,” Helena said through clenched teeth. “It can’t all be for nothing.”“If you believe in saving the world then why did you quit the DSO?” Ada smirked and Helena scoffed, unable to think of an answer that would be capable of denying the point Ada was making. Being honest would’ve meant saying she’d quit because “if I don’t try, who will” wasn’t much of an incentive, on the contrary, it sounded like a defeat on its own.
Try to make a difference. Try to save lives. Try to change the way things were. It made it sound like trying hard would be enough but as far as Helena was concerned, for as long as they weren’t handing out Nobel prizes for attempted chemistry, simply trying would never suffice.“Just...who are you, Ada? Really?” Helena had to ask, already knowing she wouldn’t get the truth even if she would be provided with any answer at all.
“I am many things to many people.”The lock on the briefcase clicked open and everyone turned their attention to Hawke. She raised the briefcase’s lid and inside, embedded in thick padding was a series of small disks, seemingly unharmed by the mold that covered the case. Hawke handed them one by one over to Helena who paused to read the labels before forwarding the disks to Ada.“Dana, Dahlia, Darlene, Dorothy, Dolores, Diana, Daniella,” she listed. “Test subjects?”
“...or what they called the D-series,” Hawke commented and spun the case around to show the text that labeled the briefcase as a container for the data on the D-series, whatever that was.“I don’t suppose anyone has a disk player handy?” Hawke then jested.
“Even if we did, I am sure these are encrypted; I’ll leave finding a way past that to Hunnigan later,” Ada said and pocketed the disks.
“Got something more,” Hawke muttered and pulled out a piece of paper from the case, looked at it for a moment and then began to read it outloud.“‘Special operations division, director Alan Droney and caretaker Mia Winters. Recent reports suggest that if Eveline remains at her current location, she is at a high risk of being stolen by opposing organizations. Your orders, therefore, are to transfer Eveline to our Central American branch for safekeeping until further notice. During transfer, be sure to adhere to the following protocols: act as parental guardians for Eveline at all times, manage Eveline's vitals via the genome codex provided, if the mission is compromised beyond reconciliation, dispose of Eveline’," she finished reading and folded the paper.
"So...who or what is Eveline and where is she?” Hawke then wondered, about to slip the document into her pocket when Ada took it from her, pretended to read it over once more and then stashed it away in her back pocket.“Judging from the condition of this ship, I’d say the mission was compromised but somehow I don’t think anyone managed to dispose of Eveline...assuming she’s the source of the black goop,” Helena said.
“Which still begs the question, where is she? Where are her caretakers?”
“Where is anyone?” Helena shrugged and then gestured at the room vaguely. “Probably didn’t make it to Central America, that’s for sure.”“Let’s keep moving,” Ada said and went to exit the room. The next few seconds that followed felt like they were happening in slow motion while simultaneously flashing by so fast Helena barely had a chance to comprehend what was happening.It began with something knocking Ada back just as she was about to step outside. Seeing Ada get thrown back and stumble was like witnessing a cat get stolen of its grace, it felt downright unnatural. What followed was Hawke’s voice yelling loudly before getting drowned by the even louder noise of her MP5 releasing a hail of bullets as she fired the gun.“Fucking, fucking, fuck off, fuck off, fuck you!” Hawke yelled, frantically emptying a magazine into the gray and black snarling mass of claws and teeth that was pushing toward them, Hawke only narrowly avoiding a complete decapitation as she leaned back just as the creature swiped at her, managing to drag its claw across Hawke’s face, leaving behind a deep and wide laceration that ran horizontally across the bridge of her nose and under her eyes.Helena had barely begun to react to these two things happening when she noticed movement above and turned to look up just in time to see a black mass falling toward her from the ceiling. The creature encased her head into its body, and Helena could feel tendrils stemming from the gummy blob, slithering under her clothes and wrapping around her body and neck. The next thing she felt was a muffled impact.“Shit. Sorry! Sorry! Did I hurt you?” Hawke asked, and Helena deduced she was the one who’d hit the monster covering her head and therefore hit Helena. Frankly it felt like being punched with a motorcycle helmet on, and she told Hawke as much, assuring her she wasn’t hurt, not by the impact anyway. Definitely disoriented and woozy, but unharmed, growing more concerned about the suffocating feeling than possible external injuries.“I can’t breathe!” Helena shouted as the monster showed no signs of detaching anytime soon, on the contrary; the moment Helena had opened her mouth to speak, the creature had seized its opportunity to try and invade her mouth as well. Helena pinched her lips shut tightly and prayed the thing wouldn’t realize her head had several other points of easy entry that were completely unprotected.“Hold still!” Hawke ordered and Helena did her best to do so as Hawke cleaved through the monster with the dagger, splitting it in two and revealing Helena’s face as the halves of the rubbery mass fell off.
“Good God, Jesus Christ, fuck you, and fuck off,” Helena gasped at the monster’s remains, grabbing at the tendrils still convulsing around her, tearing them off and tossing them away.“Everyone still in one piece?” Hawke asked.
“Yes, thanks for the save,” Ada said as she stood up and rubbed the back of her head, then brought her fingers into the light. Helena noticed they were covered in blood.“You could have a concussion, we should—”
“No,” Ada said sternly and Helena sighed, turning her attention to Hawke.“Hold still,” she said and dug into her utility belt. She didn’t know what good a disinfectant would do under these circumstances but she figured it wouldn’t hurt. At least not figuratively speaking; the way Hawke hissed when Helena cleaned the wound on her face said it did indeed hurt.
“Sorry,” Helena apologized quietly as she worked to close the wound the best she could with butterfly bandages.
“It’s okay,” Hawke assured.
“We have to move,” Ada said, the loud snarling and hacking noises emanating from the approaching creatures confirming the necessity of urgently relocating.
“There,” Helena spotted an open vent which could serve as a safer exit than the door.
“Oh, yeah, that’s a great idea, I’m sure the vents are full of fun and happiness,” Hawke commented sarcastically.
“Do you have a better idea?” Helena hissed and Hawke smirked, twirling the fighting knives in her hands. Without warning, she kicked the door open, the surface of it impacting into the creature that had stood just behind it.“Bam, bitch, fuck off!” Hawke laughed as she rushed the monster, a series of quick, wet slicing sounds accompanying her voice as her entire body seemed to morph into a blur of motion and sharp steel.“Wouldn’t consider dying, would you?” Hawke huffed and cut down into the creature, the blades sinking deep into its torso. She then forcefully yanked them outward through the sides, sharp steel bursting through and tearing the creature apart, gray liquid spattering against the walls and cascading onto the floor.“Hawke, are you—” Helena began to ask and when the other woman turned, she instinctively backhanded Helena across the face.“Oh, shit, sorry! I didn’t realize it was you, are you okay? Say nothing if you’re okay.”
“Ow.”“Good God, this is like being on a mission with Larry and Curly,” Ada muttered under her breath.
“Wouldn’t that make you Moe?” Hawke smirked.“Keep moving,” Ada sighed.They’d all turned to follow Ada when there was an odd noise that kind of resembled a distorted bark, followed by a loud grunt.“What the hell was—” Helena frowned and turned back to see the presumed dead monster had managed to fling its torso after Hawke and sunk its teeth into the agent’s side. The creature made snarling, guttural noises as it scrambled to keep its grip on Hawke while simultaneously attempting to chew on her. Helena drew her pistol and stepped closer before firing point blank repeatedly into the monster’s head, the bullets scattering the tissue that formed its head.“No, no, don’t pull—!” Helena then tried to stop Hawke, but she had already yanked out the remains of the jaws that held the teeth puncturing her side, a generous stream of blood spurting from the wounds as the teeth did more damage coming out than they’d done going in.
“I guess...I’m gonna need more than a bandage for this,” Hawke grunted, her breaths shallow and sharp.
“Here,” Ada said and handed Hawke three dried herbs.“Great, I guess I’ll just smoke away my problems.”
“It’ll tide you over while I sweep the rest of the ship.”“Are you insane? She’s going to bleed out if we stay here waiting for you to finish snooping around!” Helena almost yelled.
“You’re the medic, do your job and keep her alive.”“Oh, fuck you. Why should we stay here and wait anyway, it’s not like we’re going to be any use as backup for you.”“She never needed us for backup, she just wanted to see what would happen if I came into contact with this shit. And now I’m guessing she wants to see what happens if I die,” Hawke smirked bitterly as she chewed on the herbs, and Ada didn’t comment.
“Will I turn into one of those things despite being presumably cured, and if I do...I suppose the combat data would be worth something, that’s why you brought Helena along, isn’t it? You wanted to see how I’d handle a trained agent if I turned,” Hawked continued after swallowing the plant that would hopefully help keep her from bleeding out.“What?” Helena exclaimed and Ada still didn’t comment, but her smile was mirthless and not at all effortless, it was the kind of a smile you had when you knew you’d been caught, and Helena realized Hawke was right.
“I couldn’t help but notice you’re the only one wearing a body cam, mighty convenient for recording the monsters in action,” Hawke said to Ada.“Clever girl,” Ada finally spoke.
“How could you!”“It’s nothing personal.”
“Oh, that’s comforting,” Helena growled. “We’re leaving,” she then said and pushed her shoulder under Hawke’s arm to support her.
“Good luck with that, you can’t protect her, you don’t know what you’re up against, it took a lot of firepower and effort to kill one of them. And she’s in no condition to move fast. You’ll have a better chance of surviving if you stay in the room and wait for me,” Ada said.“She’s right. I’ll only slow you down, we wouldn’t make it. But you can,” Hawke said.
“I’m not leaving you behind,” Helena scoffed, mildly insulted at the mere suggestion that she would ever do something as selfish and thoughtless as that.
“Then stay here and wait for me,” Ada said and without waiting for any comments or arguments, she turned on her heel and disappeared into the dark.
“You think she’ll be back?” Hawke asked once they were back in the room and she was reclined on the couch.
“I think Jesus will come back before she does,” Helena muttered and lifted the hem of Hawke’s shirt to get a better look at the wounds. Thankfully, there was only one that had cut truly deep and caused the most damage, the other punctured on both sides of it were more shallow, the bleeding already beginning to stop. Unfortunately it only took one bad wound that wouldn’t stop bleeding to potentially kill Hawke.
“I don’t think I’ll make it. My only regret...is not trolling more people on Twitter,” Hawke grunted and Helena chuckled despite herself.
“At least your sense of humor is intact,” Helena said as she did her best to patch up the wound, blood soaking the dressings almost as soon as Helena managed to place them. She put her hands over the wound and leaned into it to put pressure on it.
“Just hang in there, Hawke, okay? We’re gonna make it,” she said. How exactly they would manage that, however, she did not know.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena longed for the days when the only affliction she suffered from combat was the pains and aches in her bruised body.Physical pain was easier to lock away, in her mind it had a tangible form, like a bunch of black tentacles stemming from a footlocker. It was easy visualizing herself cutting them off and shoving them back into the chest, then locking it and ignoring it until she was finished with whatever her task at hand was, and until she had the time to let her body succumb to the pain.
Mental pain, however, was different; it was a black fog creeping everywhere, damn difficult to dispel and keep at bay. A cold sense of fear and discomfort
began creeping up Helena’s mind, and she could feel herself beginning to glitch. She closed her eyes tightly, recalling all the tips and tricks she’d ever been taught on how to control this. She visualized the black fog creeping around her brain and pictured herself driving it away, a surge of hope and confidence burning in her heart as she pushed to get rid of it, and after several minutes of focusing on that...for the first time, she managed to shrug it off. Huh, she internally almost chuckled, her sense of relief cut short by the stern voice of reason reminding her that she shouldn’t pat herself on the back over this. It was progress, but now was not the time to celebrate.“Suck it up, buttercup,” Hawke’s voice snapped Helena awake from her thoughts.
“What?”“I don’t know, I just noticed you seemed...like you were glitching, and I don’t know what to say to bring you back, but I felt like I should say something,” Hawke smirked a little.
“I got it under control. But thanks,” Helena nodded.
“Okay, good, then...we should think about getting the hell out of here,” Hawke said and sat up, her head tilted back as she exhaled slowly through her teeth. She pressed her palm against the wound in her side, blood still steadily seeping through the dressing Helena had patched her up with, but thanks to the herbs, the bleeding had slowed down significantly.
Helena found herself regretting greatly the fact that she had chosen not to bring a can of first aid spray. It wasn’t that they were heavy, they were just bulky and inconvenient to carry around when you had limited capacity, and she’d chosen to carry extra magazines and a box of ammo for her pistol rather than the spray can. Not to mention they were expensive, and since this wasn’t a DSO-funded operation, such luxuries had been foregone.
She’d remembered to bring the herb tablets but like her shotgun, those were in the black duffle bag beside the bed back in the motel room because she’d forgotten to take the damn bag with her when they’d headed to the tanker this morning.
“I know we can’t stay here forever, but we can’t just walk out either, we don’t know how many of those things are out there, if it takes an entire magazine to even slow one down, we don’t have enough ammo to shoot our way out of here, and you’re in no condition to just slash our way out either.”“I’m a much better shot when I’m not panicking,” Hawke remarked.“Don’t get over-confident, please.”“I am exactly as confident as I should be for how great I am,” Hawke stated, and Helena smiled.“Either way, I don’t wanna be waving an empty gun at one of those things.”“Then we’ll have to sneak out...which admittedly would be easier if I remembered where we came from exactly, but the tanker was blown in half, I don’t imagine it’ll be too hard to find some hole to exit through,” Hawke said.
"Yeah...I don’t see a lot of other options.”They could’ve waited for Ada to come back but neither of them genuinely believed that was ever going to happen. As much was confirmed mere minutes later when the distinct sound of the airboat’s engine starting could be heard, the sound slowly growing more and more distant before fading away completely as Ada made her graceful exit through the bayou.
“If I ever see that fucking bitch again, I am going to de-bone her and leave her boneless body to fry on a steel roof in July in a very sunny city,” Hawke growled.“That’s oddly specific.”“Well, anyone can just be like ‘grr, I’m gonna kill her’, where’s the creativity in that?” Hawke shrugged one shoulder a little.
They got ready to leave and Helena slowly pushed the door open and listened, not hearing anything. Perhaps the creatures had chased after Ada and were now distracted and at the other end of the tanker. Then again, considering they’d heard the engine sound, it meant Ada had exited and if Helena and Hawke intended to follow her example, they, too, would have to head toward the exit, meaning they’d be crossing paths with the creatures as well.
“Hang on,” Hawke whispered and pointed at what appeared to be a framed picture on the wall. Wiping off some of the black tar-like substance from it, Helena realized it was a map.
“We came from here,” Hawke said and pointed at a spot that was on the lower level from where they currently were.
“You’re sure?” Helena questioned. All she recalled was climbing a set of stairs, and that stuck in her mind only because of the mass of people encased in the black mess stuck on the stairs. In her defense, everything in here looked the same as it was, and the other details were obscured by the mess, so she refused to feel bad about not having much of a sense of direction in here.“Yes, I remember there was a sign near where we entered and it labeled the place as the laundry room, so that’s where we should be heading, that’s our way out,” Hawke confirmed.“All right, let’s get going,” Helena agreed, and they were about to continue on when the sound of an airboat engine could be heard once more.“...is she coming back?” Hawke frowned.“Or someone else is coming over, could be some of her allies coming to tie up the loose ends, namely, us,” Helena muttered.
“In that case, I suggest we hurry the fuck up.”Making their way over to where the nearest stairwell was, Helena noticed Hawke’s movements were becoming more labored and she had to lean to the wall for support. She tried hiding it, but she wasn’t exactly subtle about it. Helena assumed she was feeling dizzy from the lack of blood. Time was running out.“Damn it, it’s jammed,” Hawke grunted as she tried to open the door.
“Okay, okay, if Ada got out of here, there must be another way.”“Unless she used her grappling gun and just ziplined out of here through the roof,” Hawke muttered and Helena shone a light toward the floor.
She’d felt the mess stick to her boots and heard the faint sucking noises with each step but it hadn’t occurred to her to look for any prints in the mess until now.
“Maybe we can find Ada’s footprints and track her path out of here,” Helena suggested.“I don’t want to waste time on that,” Hawke scoffed and without another word, she charged ahead blindly, ignoring Helena’s order to stop. Hawke’s dash came to a halt shortly after, her boots skidding on the floor, the gummy substance piling by the sides of her feet as she tried to stop herself from running right into a creature that was suddenly seeming to grow out of the wall, the surface of the mess overgrowing the wall and ceiling bubbling violently as a snarling, four-legged creature separated from it.It leapt toward Hawke who barely managed to fall onto her back on the floor to avoid being hit, the creature flying over her and toward Helena with its slim, sharp claws swinging at her. Then, suddenly, the narrow hallway was filled with an overwhelmingly loud boom and a flash of light, and the four-legged creature’s body splattered onto the floor, missing its head, the black and grey mess of it raining on Helena and Hawke who both slowly turned to look behind them to see what the hell had just happened.
“Hunnigan?” Helena gasped in disbelief when she saw her standing there, holding Helena’s shotgun.“Come on,” Hunnigan said, reached her arm out and helped Helena up.“That...was...amazing!” Hawke laughed happily and stood up as well.“Come on!” Hunnigan ordered again and impatiently gestured with her hand for them to move.
“Can I have that?” Helena requested and nodded toward the shotgun.“Yeah, sure,” Hunnigan said and handed it over as she continued to lead the way out, the sounds of thick liquid dripping transforming into the sounds of rapid footsteps as more creatures spawned from the walls and gave chase to the trio.
Helena spotted the shifting shadow on the floor but a second too late as the creature closest to them leapt forward and dove head first down, clamping its jaws onto Hunnigan’s right shoulder.
Not the fucking shoulder again, Helena thought somewhat dumbstruck, knowing that was the shoulder Hunnigan had injured back in college playing basketball and more recently in the car crash, it had barely had a chance to recover and was facing more damage.
The creature seemed to be trying to wrestle Hunnigan to the ground but she managed to pull out of its jaws, a generous amount of blood squirting from the gashes its teeth left on Hunnigan’s skin. Helena took a running jump, her left leg extended and her boot impacted into the creature’s head, knocking it back. When it was on the floor, she stomped on it furiously and looked up when she heard Hawke yell at her. She saw one of the four-legged creatures skitter toward them, and saw Hawke reach out her arm and use it to push Hunnigan out of the way, flattening herself against the wall as well, giving Helena room to move.
She waited for the creature to jump and rolled forward as it did, firing the two remaining bullets at it as it was in the air over her, the moldy flesh and cartilage raining down on her from the body when the pellets of the buckshot mutilated it. It landed and rolled forward with a series of heavy thuds. Helena went to reload the shotgun only to realize she didn’t have any more ammo for it.
“Here,” Hunnigan said through clenched teeth as she dug into her pocket and pulled out a handful of shells.“You’re the best,” Helena said and planted a hard kiss onto Hunnigan's cheek as she took the shells and reloaded. “How you holdin’ up?”“Don’t worry about me, let’s just get the hell out of here,” Hunnigan said, and as much as Helena would’ve wanted to argue and stop to patch her up with what little first aid she had left, the loud snarls emanating from the darkness behind them made it clear there was no time.
They quickly made their exit and climbed out and into the airboat, Hunnigan taking the helm and beginning to steer them back to the town as Helena dug into the bag Hunnigan had brought with her. She took out the case containing the herb tablets and fed a handful of them to Hawke who lay on her side on the bottom of the boat, barely conscious.
“Slow down!” Helena then called out over the sound of the engine but Hunnigan shook her head in refusal.
“I’m fine, we need to hurry the hell out of here!” she argued and Helena cursed at her stubbornness.
“We have to take Hawke to the hospital at least,” Helena yelled again, and Hunnigan merely nodded in acknowledgment.
Once back in town, Hawke was transported to the hospital under the cover story of having been on a sight-seeing trip when she’d gotten attacked by an alligator. Helena wasn’t sure the doctors and nurses believed it, but it didn’t matter; what mattered was Hawke was being patched up and getting a blood transfusion, meaning she’d be stable in a few hours, aside from being sore and achy for much longer, Helena assumed.When Helena exited the hospital waiting room, she saw Hunnigan pacing back and forth as she spoke on the phone, blood coagulating on the wounds on her shoulder and arm. Helena supposed a semi-frantic bloody person near an emergency room wasn’t too much of an odd sight since no one passing by seemed to be paying attention beyond glancing at the tall injured woman whose sleeveless white shirt and the side of her jeans were stained in deep red. Helena waited for her to finish the call before approaching.
“Hey. That was the EPA. The real one, I mean. They’re going to come in and coordinate with the local emergency services to clear out that tanker,” she said.“How did you know to come in there?”
“I kind of followed you and stayed behind a little while keeping track of you guys via satellite. Then I saw Ada leave and there was no sign of you and Hawke, so I came over. I passed by Ada upon arrival. I’m surprised she didn’t shoot me. But judging from the look on her face, I guess she was too shocked to see me to think straight,” Hunnigan smirked.
“I owe you one, that really was impressive. But...how are you feeling?”Hunnigan had seemed disturbingly calm and fine until just now despite the injury, and Helena realized it was because with that phone call, the mission was officially over, Hunnigan had shifted from stoic professional to being, for the lack of a better term, fully human again. The calm that her training and willpower forced on her was dissipating and she was beginning to shudder with the adrenaline’s effects finally fully kicking in.
“My heart is racing, I am not okay,” Hunnigan said, her serene tone of voice in complete contradiction with the words and the way she was nervously twisting her shaking hands.
“All right, let’s sit down and just take a moment, it’ll pass and you’ll feel better soon, I promise,” Helena said quietly and sat with Hunnigan on a bench, her arm around the taller woman’s midsection.
“Okay, okay, okay...” Hunnigan said in a mutter.
“Just breathe...” Helena murmured and dug into her utility belt.“Yeah, I know, I know, it’s fine,” Hunnigan assured and did take a while to just focus on her breathing.
“I’m fine. Just so you know, I’ll probably be a bit off for a couple of days, but I’m fine, it’s just how I process things,” Hunnigan then said and Helena nodded as she began to clean the wounds the best she could.
“You really should go in and have these checked out, you might need stitches,” Helena said and Hunnigan sighed.
“It’s fine, they’re just scratches and nothing’s bleeding, they’re not that deep,” Hunnigan shook her head.“Really? Because it looked like it took a pretty big bite at you. You might need some antibiotics.”Hunnigan closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and exhaled then, a hint of annoyance in her demeanor.“My love...please, just drop it. I’ll talk to Lara Cassia once we’re back in D.C. and she can give it a look and prescribe something if necessary,” she said and Helena could tell she was working hard not to snap at her. She held up her hands in a surrendering gesture.“All right,” she nodded and continued to bandage Hunnigan’s shoulder and arm. “I’ll just be right here if you need me,” she added quietly once she was done patching Hunnigan up.“I always need you,” Hunnigan smiled. Helena was about to lean in to kiss her when Hunnigan suddenly spoke again. “Damn it!”“What?” Helena frowned.“I should’ve said ‘come with me if you want to live’ when I found you guys, that would’ve been so cool,” Hunnigan said and they both laughed.
“For the record, that was really cool regardless,” Helena said, cupped Hunnigan’s cheek and kissed her softly.
“Yeah, baby!” a familiar voice called out and Helena pulled back from the kiss to see Hawke grinning at them as she approached the bench, crossing the driveway leading to the doors of the emergency room.
“What are you doing here?”“What, I have my blood and my stitches, no reason to stay,” Hawke shrugged, and Helena was certain she had checked out against medical advice. “Besides, we’ve got work to do,” she then added and produced a disk labeled “Doris” from one of her pockets.
“How did you—” Helena frowned.“Everyone should learn at least one sleight of hand-trick,” Hawke winked and wiggled her fingers a little before passing the disk to Hunnigan with a nimble flick of her wrist, the disk protruding from between her index and middle finger.“Ada seemed hell-bent on retrieving these, so I figured we should keep one to see what’s so interesting about them,” Hawke then said to Hunnigan who took the disk from between Hawke’s fingers.
“That’s good thinking,” Hunnigan said.“Thanks, I have my moments,” Hawke grinned.“Clever girl,” Ada muttered to herself when she rode her airboat past Hunnigan’s. In hindsight, she should’ve known Hunnigan wouldn’t just sit back and not interfere. But, perhaps it was for the best. If she managed to pull off a rescue, good for her; if not and they all died in the tanker, then Ada would have one less thing to worry about. She didn’t like loose ends, but she liked risking getting captured even less.
She’d underestimated Hunnigan and written her off as just a desk jockey, and had Hunnigan chosen to bring outsiders (like that sheriff) into the situation, Ada would’ve had a harder time making her escape. She’d made a mistake, and she made a mental note to adjust her assumptions about Hunnigan. It would make predicting the future easier.Of course, she didn’t literally predict the future, not like one tended to imagine it happening, by staring into a crystal ball or taking out decorative cards from a pack to interpret their meaning. What she did do, however, was predict patterns and routines, and it was the next best thing to actually being able to see into the future, because she could easily imagine the next steps the players in her game took. She was usually accurate, which was why she was one of the best in her field of work.
She’d made a mistake when trying to predict just how far Hunnigan was willing to go to protect Helena, and that Ada was willing to chalk up to love making some people unpredictable in some ways, but at her core, Hunnigan was the same as always. Or so Ada hoped because if she was wrong, it could complicate things in the future somewhat.Almost two hours later as she sat in the backseat of an armored SUV being driven toward the airport, she saw her prediction come true when her phone rang. Ada smiled. She’d known Hunnigan would call in the cavalry to save the day, and she’d taken steps to prevent that.Hunnigan was good, but Ada was better, and she’d had no problem sneaking into Hunnigan’s motel room while Hunnigan had been in the shower. The fact that Helena and Hunnigan had been fighting and it had resulted in Hunnigan getting a room to herself had been just a nice added bonus which had enabled Ada to sneak in and hack into Hunnigan’s phone with extra time.And just as she had predicted, Hunnigan’s contact list had included the number of the Environmental Protection Agency, and Hunnigan’d had no reason to check the number before making the call, meaning Ada’s prediction of her actions and Ada’s own actions to counter Hunnigan’s intent had gone over even smoother than she’d expected. And all she had to do was change one phone number.
Excellent, Ada thought as she answered the call from Hunnigan, introduced herself as a representative of the EPA and assured the DSO agent that they would take care of everything. And with that, the tanker was left to sit in the bayou, for no other reason than to satisfy Ada’s employer’s curiosity about what the long-term effects of the mold’s presence here would be. That went better than expected. I deserve a drink, Ada smiled as she stepped into the private plane on a remote landing strip, preparing to drop off the disks she’d recovered and move on to the next job.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Junkhouse-Charlie ran off after Grunt, the Amstaff catching up to the Cane corso probably only because Grunt let it happen. Charlie pounced on his friend who fell to the ground and they wrestled each other for a moment before Charlie ran off, Grunt being the one giving chase this time.
Helena sat next to Hawke on the park bench and lit a cigarette. She wasn’t entirely certain if smoking was allowed here but she knew she could count on someone appearing out of nowhere to tell her if it wasn’t.“You should quit that shit, you’ll live longer,” Hawke commented and Helena snorted.
“Now, who would that benefit?”
“Ooh, dark, I like it,” Hawke chuckled.
Scattered clouds passed the setting sun, a comfortable breeze moving the late October air. It was far from chilly, but compared to the humid hell that had been Dulvey, it was the pinnacle of comfort.
“How’s Hunnigan? I haven’t seen her at the office...not that I necessarily would since there are no active campaigns currently, but she used to hang out even when she was just doing paperwork,” Hawke then said.
“Honestly, I’m not sure,” Helena sighed a little.
She’d never seen Hunnigan act the way she had been acting recently, but she wasn’t sure if it was because of what happened in the tanker or because of the pressure Nolan was putting on her regarding the band’s upcoming twentieth anniversary gig this Halloween which was supposed to be a huge spectacular deal, or if it was just Hunnigan putting pressure on herself to figure out how to access the contents of the disk Hawke had stolen from Ada.Normally, she could’ve recruited help from her fellow white hats who freelanced for the DSO, but this had never been an official mission. As far as the world was concerned, she’d never officially been to Dulvey; her alter ego Patricia had, along with her friends Marian (which was Hawke’s alias) and Pamela (a name Helena had never felt suited her, but unfortunately the DSO didn’t ask for personal preferences when fabricating an alias for their agents). Everything being unofficial left her with no means to ask for aid, at least not without risking getting caught and recruiting assistance from outside the DSO was not an option either as it posed too great a security risk; all that made solving the case slow work.Hunnigan was prone to bouts of workaholism but this was the first time Helena saw her isolate herself and immerse herself into work so completely. Helena did what she always did when Hunnigan was locked away in her home office; she dropped in to bring her something to eat and drink, and tried to remind her to take a break. However, this was different from when Hunnigan was streaming a video or doing some “paperwork” for the DSO from home, because this time when Helena checked up on Hunnigan several hours later, she’d find the food and drink untouched.“The thing is, I don’t know if this is just how she gets when she’s super focused on something, or if something’s wrong. She did say she’s not okay, but she hasn’t talked to me about it since,” Helena sighed deeply, put out the cigarette and put the butt of it into an empty pack she used as an ashtray when there was not one or a trashcan nearby.“And Cassia did clear her, right? No infection? Because it took a while for it to show up in me when it happened,” Hawke suggested and Helena shook her head.
Contrary to what Helena had assumed, none of them had shown of any infection despite everything that had happened in the tanker. It raised interesting questions regarding how the infection potentially spread, apparently not through bites and scrapes. At least not if you got bitten by whatever was in the tanker, perhaps they weren’t the kind that were capable of spreading an infection.Perhaps it was some kind of a safeguard against an uncontrollable outbreak. It would certainly be a refreshing change to how the people creating biological weapons usually did things, not caring how bad it got once a weapon they’d developed was deployed. Then again, Helena felt it was more likely this was just a flaw in the weapon, probably being worked on by some unknown group of people taking part in the development. Question was who the developer was and who were they working for if anyone.
“Yeah, she prescribed her some antibiotics to be sure and we’ve been re-tested since, nothing.”“She’s probably just a bit shaken from the tanker and processing it, we all have our own ways to deal with stuff,” Hawke suggested and Helena nodded a little. She, Hawke and Leon typically chose the “binge drink for a week, shove your feelings down and move on”-way of coping. Helena had to admit she was glad that didn’t seem to be Hunnigan’s preferred method, she wasn’t sure she’d know how to keep herself from joining in the slump if it were.“You’re probably right. I just hope we can put this whole mess to bed soon and move on, I’m so fucking done with all this DSO and related bullshit.”
“Technically”—
“Yes, yes, technically that wasn’t a DSO operation but you know what I mean. I left the agency for a reason yet I keep getting dragged into this shit.”
“Oh, come on. If this had been a DSO operation and Hunnigan had simply told you ‘it’s classified’ when you asked for details, you would’ve forced your way back into this shit,” Hawke laughed and Helena hated to admit it, but she made a good point.
“That’s fair, but the thing is, I would want to know because I want to be able to react properly if Hunnigan needs support, not because I’d want to get involved personally,” Helena said. She paused for a moment and then turned to look at Hawke. “How about you, how are you?”“I’m fine, it takes more than almost bleeding to death in fucking Dulvey to rattle me,” Hawke chuckled, and Helena could never tell with her if the humor was genuine or just what Hawke used to mask pain. Though, if it was genuine, Helena would have to wonder about Hawke’s mental state somewhat.“Well, if you wanna talk about it...”
“I know. And, for the record, same.”“Appreciate it,” Helena nodded, and with that, they didn’t speak of it again.When Helena got home, she noticed Charlie perk up in a way he only did when there were strangers around, and she frowned at that. She then heard the voices coming from the living room and as she went over, she realized the space had been overtaken by a crew of three people: an engineer monitoring the sound, a cameraman, and a thin redhead sitting in an armchair. Hunnigan sat on the couch opposite to the redhead, illuminated by large lamps on sturdy stands, two cameras pointed at her, a mess of cables running on the floor.Hunnigan had mentioned she’d be interviewed for a documentary of the band, Helena had just expected the interview to happen at Nolan’s place. She paused at the entrance and held Charlie back, not wanting to interrupt out of the blue but also not wanting to just pretend like she wasn’t there. No one seemed to notice her, or if they did, they didn’t acknowledge her.“What’s it like working with your brother? Because I’m trying to imagine working with mine, and I know we’d never be able to do that. Do you guys work so well together because you’re twins, or does that not factor in at all?”“I’m not entirely sure, to be honest,” Hunnigan chuckled. “Our parents had just moved here from the Dominican republic and they had us when they were very young, and contrary to the popular belief, they did have us intentionally...but when you’re fifteen and away from your immediate family and friends, your kids aren’t hanging out with the other children in the family, like cousins. And over here people weren’t excited to introduce their children to the teen-mom-next-door’s kids. I’m sure racism played a part in it all, too.”“Really?”
“Yeah, we lived in a big apartment in New York in a pretty well-off area, which translates to the majority of the neighbors being, you know, rich white people who couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that two foreign fifteen year olds were living in the same building by themselves.”“How did they manage that, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Our grandmother from our mother’s side was basically like ‘you want to run off to New York with your boyfriend, sure thing, here’s a bag of money, go have fun’. Obviously it wasn’t quite that simple, the legal and logistical details required more effort than that, but that’s the gist.” Well, I was wrong about that, Helena mused when she recalled she’d assumed Hunnigan’s parents had been sent away to hide the fact Isabela had gotten knocked up.
“So...growing up, Nolan and I didn’t really meet other kids because the other kids in the building were...‘encouraged’...not to play with us, which meant that until we went to school, Nolan and I really only had each other. And our grandmother Ingrid who used to babysit us a lot.”
“I recall you’ve spoken of her in past interviews and you mentioned she did something quite exceptional and unheard of in those times,” the interviewer encouraged curiously, and Hunnigan nodded.“Well, her and my grandfather did, namely she said she wanted to do more, packed her bags and headed over to New York where she became a security sales woman for one of the member firms of the New York Stock Exchange. And her husband, incredibly, said ‘go ahead, I’ll stay here with our son and we’ll catch up with you later if it all pans out’. So, my father was already heading over here and instead of wanting to be separated from his girlfriend, he wanted to bring her along, and that’s how we ended up being here.”“So, you and your brother spent a lot of time with your grandparents and each other rather than with the others kids in the neighborhood.”“Yeah, and I think that affected our bond more than the fact that we’re twins. We do have rough patches, who doesn’t, but we always come back from those, and out of everyone in the world, he knows me the best, definitely. It’s a gift and a curse.”
“How come?”“When you know someone on that level, you know exactly how to lift them up and how to bring them down, and while most of the time we do complement each other, there have been times when we’ve left each other completely emotionally destroyed after getting into an argument, and that level of devastation is only possible because we both know exactly which buttons to push,” Hunnigan said.
“How do you recover from something like that? When the only person who has the power to hurt you that deeply is also the person you thought would never do that and then it happens...how do you come back from that and continue working closely together?” the interviewer then asked, and Hunnigan took a moment to think about it.Helena couldn’t keep her thoughts from wandering to Deborah who had more or less been to her what Nolan was to Hunnigan. Growing up Helena had done everything in her power to protect Deborah and make sure she was all right, but there’d also been times when she’d wanted to strangle her, there’d been times when she’d said things she wished she hadn’t, or wished she could say she hadn’t really meant, but couldn’t because if you don’t mean it, why would you think like that let alone say it out loud in the first place.Calling Deborah an irresponsible, selfish slut was to Helena’s everlasting shame exactly what she’d thought of her sister when she’d said it to her face once. In hindsight, she knew she shouldn’t have said it. She shouldn’t have thought like that in the first place, not in such a venomous way. But it had happened, and the truth was, their relationship had never completely recovered from that.
To this day Helena was certain that the main reason Deborah had ever ended up getting beaten by that one jerk she’d dated was because Helena had said that. If she hadn’t openly criticized Deborah’s presumed promiscuity, maybe Deborah would’ve been more comfortable talking about her boyfriends with her sister and Helena could’ve intervened before things got that bad. Maybe she would’ve dumped that piece of shit abuser rather than stuck with him because she thought her sister would judge her for leaving yet another boyfriend so quickly.
“You don’t recover from it unless you’re both willing to look in the mirror and accept that maybe you are the one who is wrong, and apologize. Or if you were right, accept the apology and don’t throw their mistake in their face in the future just to cheat yourself another win. The same applies to any relationship, I think,” Hunnigan answered.
“Speaking of relationships...and I have to ask this because if I don’t, the three hundred thousand people who screamed at me on Twitter to ask this from you will kill me...who is the woman the audience refers to as Mia?” the interviewer then asked, the question causing Hunnigan’s eyebrow to twitch in a way Helena knew only happened when she was surprised by a curveball.“I have no idea, I don’t know anyone by that name,” Hunnigan chuckled and the other woman sighed loudly, smirking at the smartass reply.
“I’ll rephrase: who is your girlfriend, also known as the woman who brings you water and food while you’re streaming live?”“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Hunnigan responded and Helena raised her eyebrows at that.
“Really?” the other woman asked, her tone making it clear she didn’t believe it for a second.“Yes, really. My wife would never let me have a girlfriend,” Hunnigan said and Helena snorted quietly at that. That’s my girl, she smiled.“Why doesn’t anyone know about your wife?”
“Do you want the short answer or the long one?” Hunnigan chuckled.
“Long one, always. Your Wikipedia article is a stub, the people want to know more,” the interviewer said and Hunnigan laughed.“When you spend a lot of your time as a semi-public person, you are constantly at risk of having to deal with someone coming up to you and telling you that they hate you for one reason or another. Like, I remember when I was pregnant, someone left me a comment saying my face looked fat, and I find it hilarious someone would say that in the first place, and I think that a comment like that tells you everything you need to know about the person who wrote it; you see that and you think ‘so, this guy’s an asshole’. Or, maybe you agree with them, in which case I invite you to re-evaluate your life,” Hunnigan began as the interviewer nodded while listening.
“People are quick to tell you that by being out there, you’re inviting it. Or they tell you that if it bothers you, then just go offline. Which raises the question why is someone else’s shitty behavior my responsibility when all I did was be there. I have a thick skin, I literally don’t care if someone thinks I look fat or if they think my fingering technique is terrible—and yes, I heard that, it sounded way dirtier than I meant it,” Hunnigan chuckled before continuing.“Point is, I don’t care, if it makes you feel better to scream insults at me in the comments, go for it, I’m thick-skinned enough to handle it, and maybe if you’re busy yelling that to me, you’re not yelling that to someone who wouldn’t handle it as well as I do. That said, I don’t want to expose other people to all that negativity. I hate knowing that there are people turning away from the community because they see those comments and feel that...it’s not safe for them to reach out and try to interact because doing so would risk inviting that same negativity into their lives as well.”“Is your wife one of the people who have turned away from the community because of comments like that? Is that why we have never heard of her?” the interviewer asked and Hunnigan shook her head a little. Helena leaned her shoulder to the door frame and folded her arms over her abdomen. Naively, she hadn’t even considered Hunnigan would have to deal with online harassment.“It’s not like I’m actively trying to hide her, on the contrary, it’s taking a lot of effort to keep myself from shouting how much I love her from the rooftops. She’s one of the best people I know, and I’m so in love with her, and so proud of her it’s...beyond what I can express with words, other than maybe saying I intend to love the fuck out of that woman for the rest of my life,” Hunnigan smiled and Helena felt a little warm in her heart when she heard that.There was nothing unusual about hearing Hunnigan say she loved her, they told that to each other every day, multiple times. For some reason, however, it had not occurred to Helena that Hunnigan would speak of her to other people in that way. She didn’t think she existed to Hunnigan or anyone else outside their interactions with each other, she didn’t think others thought about her when she wasn’t there.“That said, I did learn some things from being so open about my relationship with Mel. I had absolutely no idea how much hate there could be over something like that. I grew up being told that some people are gay and that it’s perfectly normal, and rather stupidly I thought everyone in the world felt the same way.”“Oof, must’ve been a rough lesson to have to learn that isn’t the case,” the other woman said and Hunnigan nodded.“Yes, and I still don’t understand it, it’s twenty years later and people are still being assaulted or murdered even just for being gay, it makes no sense to me, it’s just...it’s madness. So, when my relationship with Mel became common knowledge...we’d start getting hatemail and the occasional hecklers, you know,” Hunnigan shared and Helena felt her heart ache at the thought of her having to live through that.
Thinking back on her own teenage years, Helena figured she had gotten rather lucky in that respect at least. The worst she’d had to deal with was people who had attempted to use the word “lesbian” as an insult, not realizing that all it would yield was her telling them that indeed, she did think girls were hot.“It sucked, but not for me personally so much because I, from a very young age, had this ‘I don’t care, I do what I want’-attitude, which I learned from my mother who always had to have that...that Teflon-coating because she’d had to work through so much bullshit. Being an immigrant, being a woman in a male-dominated field, having to tolerate the condescending, sexist, and racist remarks from senior partners or judges or cops she had to work with, her options were to either find a way to give as good as she got and prove all the idiots around her wrong, or lie back and pretend she liked it until she makes it. She didn’t take crap from anyone, and she taught me the same," Hunnigan said."That similarity is also probably why we clash so hard, but even when we don’t like each other, I respect her, even more so because she has openly admitted she doesn't like me. I know it sounds like a terrible thing, but it isn't, for us anyway, because being honest about it helps with it much more than trying to pretend that it isn't true. We love each other, but we do not like each other at all. I digress, what was I saying? You’re gonna have a lot of editing to do afterward,” she then laughed and took a drink of water.“You said the hateful way some people reacted to your relationship with Mel didn’t affect you as much as it did others,” the interviewer reminded her.
“Right. I didn’t care. But Brian did. My dad especially did because, you know, these were a bunch of bigots screaming slurs and rape threats to his teenaged daughter, how else would he react. And, of course, it bothered Mel, understandably.”“Do you regret being so open about it?”“I regret certain elements of it and what it caused. Being the overly confident and self-important obnoxious asshole that I was as a teenager, I kept pushing Mel about it until I essentially forced her out of the closet, and that was not...something that I had the right to do and to decide for her, it was not my choice to make. I regret that immensely. You should never out anyone, they will do it themselves when they’re ready.”“You guys had a serious falling out shortly after all that, right?”“Yes, she said she didn’t want to deal with all that anymore and ended up leaving the band, and the whole thing sort of crumbled apart slowly after that, everyone grew up and went their separate ways, and we knew it would inevitably go that way, but Mel leaving was what kickstarted the process. We didn’t speak for years after that but we did eventually reconnect after I did some soul searching and admitted I was the one who had wronged her, and I
emailed her a lengthy apology after having had that...that regret stuck in my mind like a splinter in the brain, and we’re good now. It was a long and painful but very necessary learning process.” Oh, God, she’s so... so everything. I love her so much, Helena mused as she watched and listened. She’d never really witnessed this particular kind of charisma Hunnigan could have. She’d seen glimpses of it when Hunnigan had given briefings, she’d known Hunnigan was a good speaker who knew how to keep people’s focus, but this was the first time Helena was witnessing live what she presumed was the stage presence and charisma of the performer Hunnigan was at the heart. Holy shit, I’m married to that, Helena thought sheepishly as she felt her heart flutter at that. Frankly, that same thought crossed her mind on a daily basis for one reason or another; she’d find herself just staring at Hunnigan doing whatever she was doing, and wondering how had she ever gotten so lucky. Right now the feeling was even more overwhelming than usually.“But on the positive side, I still occasionally get messages from people telling me that seeing Mel and I kiss on stage or in a video, or just them becoming aware of our relationship in general is what made them realize that girls can kiss other girls, which then led to them growing into their own identity. You don’t often get to know what kind of an impact you and your actions can have on people unless it’s an instant consequence, like if I punch someone in the face, yeah, then we know, but—” Hunnigan paused to chuckle a little.“It feels strange to say in this day and age, but I know there are still people out there who barely even know gay people exist because in their family or overall culture their existence is just denied or erased. If me being openly bisexual helps someone realize something about themselves, or become more comfortable with their own sexuality, that’s...so rewarding.”“And as they say, haters gonna hate, right?” the interviewer interjected and Hunnigan smiled.“I don’t think about the bigots, at all. They don’t deserve my time and attention; giving that to them would be unfair to everyone who is gracious and nice to me. Call me names, tell me I’m going to hell, do whatever, I don’t care about you, I’m hanging out and having fun with the people who appreciate me, and you do not matter to me in the slightest.”“That is probably the best way to stick it to them.”“It’s been working wonderfully for me,” Hunnigan shrugged. “Another reason I ‘hide’ my wife from this all is because my ex-husband was very involved with the band-stuff, but it became problematic when he would see the mean comments. They made him feel like he needed to be my knight in shining armor and
defend my honor, or some other well-intended nonsense like that,” she continued, pausing to take a sip of water before speaking again.“He would argue with strangers online and you can imagine how much the trolls just loved to rile him up after they noticed how hard and how easily he reacted, so in the end, the mean comments were more devastating for him than they really ever were for me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the gesture and I know he was doing it because he has a good heart, but it was completely unnecessary, and he refused to believe me when I told him as much.”“Your wife is also protective of you then, I assume?”"Probably even more so than my ex-husband ever was, sans the chest pounding, and I don't want her to feel like she needs to step into the spotlight and defend me; I can defend myself better than anyone else can. So, no, I'm not hiding my wife or going out of my way to ensure no one knows I even have a wife, that's not who I am...but...I don't want to expose her to the shittier side of this life.""Honestly, the main reason no one knows about her is simply because she doesn't want to be known. This whole thing"— Hunnigan began and gestured around the room vaguely. —"it's a part of my life, a part that's not even really known by some of my friends because civilian-me is different from band-me, and I prefer to keep things separate, my wife prefers to keep things separate, so that's what we do. You might see a glimpse of her when she comes by to make sure I don't pass out from dehydration or starvation, but that's all you're gonna get, and frankly, that's more than what you're entitled to."“Well said. All right, I think that was everything, thanks for doing this,” the redhead then finished the interview and the crew went to turn off the cameras and the lights.
“Thank you for coming all the way over here to do this, I do apologize for missing our meeting, but work got really hectic suddenly,” Hunnigan said.“Oh, don’t worry about it, this was fun.”
“Definitely, my pleasure,” Hunnigan smiled and finally noticed Helena in the doorway. “Hey, how long have you been there?” she asked and stood up.“Long enough to hear you tell the world that your wife is such a bitch that she won’t even let you have a girlfriend,” Helena teased and Hunnigan smirked.
“First of all, don’t talk about my wife like that. Second of all, I find her occasional bitchiness very attractive,” she said, put her arms around Helena’s waist and pulled her to herself before proceeding to press a long, gentle kiss onto her lips.
“This is Marisha, she’s the one in charge of everything regarding the documentary being done about the band,” Hunnigan then introduced the redhead.
“Helena, apparently also known as Mia to some,” Helena said and shook her hand.“Pleasure. Do you want to say something on the record before we pack all this stuff away?” Marisha then asked and Helena shook her head.
“No, thank you, I’m more than happy to be just the disembodied arm that reaches in from off-camera to give this one a glass of water,” she chuckled, nudging Hunnigan a little with her elbow.“You do take too good care of me,” Hunnigan commented and kissed Helena’s temple.
“Impossible.”“You know, I swear I know you from somewhere,” Marisha then said after taking a moment to openly stare at Helena. There was only one thing Helena could think that she could be known from, and she didn’t really feel like bringing up the fact that her face had been on the cover of various New York tabloids for a good while not too long ago.
“I get that a lot, I probably just have one of those faces, or I distantly resemble some celebrity,” Helena dismissed uncomfortably. “Do you need help with your stuff?” she then changed the subject.
“No, it’s okay, we’ll be out of your hair in a bit,” Marisha said, and with that, she, the crew, and their equipment were out of the apartment in less than twenty minutes after quick goodbyes and thank yous.“How was the playdate? How’s Hawke?” Hunnigan asked as she moved the armchair back into its rightful place.
“Hawke’s fine, and Charlie had a lot of fun with Grunt,” Helena replied. Charlie’s ears perked up at the mention of his name and Helena reached to pat his head gently. “How about you, how are you, Ingrid?”“I’m pretty tired, honestly. I completely forgot about the interview and was trying to crack that fucking disk until three in the morning, it’s been a day,” she sighed and slumped onto the couch. She gave Helena a “join me?”-look and Helena did just that, sitting down and leaning into Hunnigan who put her arm around Helena’s shoulders and rested her cheek against the top of Helena’s head. Charlie jumped onto the couch as well, settling at the far right corner of it, resting his front paws and his head on Helena’s shins. She reached her hand over to softly scratch his head and neck.“I hope you don’t mind that I spoke about you,” Hunnigan said.
“What? No, no, it’s fine. I don’t mind, I just don’t want my bullshit to affect you negatively, I happen to take that very seriously.”“But why? You’re my wife, your bullshit is my bullshit,” Hunnigan said in such an earnest way that Helena couldn’t help but laugh a little.
“Actually, I don’t think I ever told you about this thing that happened...remember the DSO team spirit-day and the following office Christmas party?” Helena asked and turned to look up at Hunnigan.“You mean the day we got snowed in at the cabin, the whole event in hindsight one of the most important things that has ever happened to me? No, no memory of that at all,” Hunnigan smirked.
“Smartass,” Helena chuckled. “Anyway...during the party, I was in the ladies’ room and I overheard Skylark tell Hawke she thought I’d gotten my job by sleeping with you, and we’d never done anything of the sort, and the only reason she was quick to talk shit and trash you to someone was because of me. You’d defended me, you’d hired me, you’d helped me, and because I was a problematic little shit, she could use your willingness to help me against you. Ergo, I was the reason someone was talking shit about you, and I didn’t like that one bit.”“Honey, Skylark hated me long before you and I ever even met, she would’ve talked shit about me regardless, you were just the most convenient excuse at the time.”“Maybe, but I still hate being the reason people give you shit. Skylark hates me. Shepard has certainly lectured you about me —don’t even try to deny it because I wouldn’t believe you—, your dad hates me...when Marisha said she recognized me, I was fucking terrified she’d realize I was the bitch indicted for murder in New York a while back.”“Helena...”“I know, I know, you don’t need me to protect you, but I don’t want to be responsible for what might happen to your image if my identity came out,” she interrupted.
“Do you need me to argue over this with you or would you prefer it if I just dropped it, because I can do either,” Hunnigan said and Helena sighed a little.
“No, don’t argue, I know you’re sincere but there are some things I can’t be convinced of unless I myself do something that makes me feel good enough for you. Wow, listen to me being all self-aware, Doctor Wilkes would be proud,” Helena said and Hunnigan chuckled quietly.
“As long as you keep in mind that I love you with all my heart no matter what.”
“I’ll try.”“Actually, I have something for you that will hopefully serve as a nice reminder. I kind of wanted to do this whole very public grandiose romantic gesture-type of a thing during the anniversary gig, but I know you would feel more embarrassed by it than thrilled by it,” Hunnigan began and got up.“I almost dread to ask what you had in mind but I am curious,” Helena called out after her as she headed to her office.
“I thought it would be fun to propose to you on stage during the encore while playing a super-mushy and corny love song, but then I realized you wouldn’t come up to the stage to accept, so that would be awkward, and also, this mess with Ada happened so I never actually had a chance to write anything,” Hunnigan explained.“You’re right, I would feel too awkward being put in the spotlight, but I do love the idea and really appreciate the gesture,” Helena said. She sat up straight when Hunnigan returned and got down on one knee in front of the couch.
“Ingrid, what are you doing?”
“What, am I embarrassing you in front of Charlie?” Hunnigan chuckled as she opened the ring box and presented it to Helena.
“No, I just...don’t know how to be because I’m not used to such sweet and nice things— holy shit, that ring is gorgeous,” Helena said and Hunnigan gave her a brilliant smile.
“I remember you said you liked the wooden ones we had as placeholders and frankly, I’m not one to wear diamonds and gold either, so when I saw these, I had to get them for us,” she said.
The ring was a nine millimeter wide band of surgical steel with a band of reddish Brazilian rosewood embedded in the middle, overall a relatively simple but exquisitely elegant design.“Now, I know we’re already married on paper, but...will you be my wife?”
“Yes, of course. Ugh, why am I crying?” Helena asked when she suddenly felt her eyes sting with tears. Charlie immediately rose up to nuzzle her upon noticing her emotional state shift, and she chuckled through tears and patted his head to assure him everything was okay.“I have no idea but I’m hoping they’re happy tears,” Hunnigan said and replaced the simple wooden placeholder ring on Helena’s finger with the steel band before pulling her into a firm and gentle embrace. Helena kissed the side of Hunnigan’s neck and pressed her face into the spot between her neck and shoulder, sniffling a little as she exhaled slowly and smiled.“The happiest.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Wednesday, October 29th 2014, 3:18 a.m.. Hunnigan straightened her back, raised her arms above her head and stretched, grunting as her spine and shoulders creaked and cracked. She’d spent so much time leaning to her desk her shoulder was aching something terrible. After all the injuries it had sustained, Hunnigan figured she should consider herself lucky it didn’t hurt worse.The molded freak trying to take a bite of it back in the tanker hadn’t helped any. On the plus side, she did think the surprisingly neat row of three long scars running from her deltoid almost all the way down to her elbow looked kind of badass, and distracted from the surgery scar on the back of her arm. If anyone asked about the origin of those particular scars, she had decided to lie she’d gotten them in the car accident as well. Thankfully, not a lot of people had seen her dressed in something that would’ve left her arm exposed, so she didn’t need to worry about people noticing the glitch in the timeline too much. I’m so fucking tired, she sighed internally, pushed her glasses to her forehead and rubbed her eyes. The past week she’d spent all her free time rehearsing for the gig and most of the time she should’ve been spending asleep trying to unlock the disk. She felt like she’d barely seen Helena in the past week, she went to classes during the day and spent her evenings volunteering at the hospital, so what little time Hunnigan managed to spend home, Helena wasn’t necessarily there.Helena had recently gotten to work in operating rooms, which according to her sounded more exciting than it was; she spent most of her time doing inventory and cleaning, and running random errands between departments. All that said, the important thing was Helena genuinely seemed to be enjoying it.
“For God’s sake, come to bed,” Helena sighed and Hunnigan felt herself jolt in surprise, she hadn’t heard Helena step into the room.
“I want to but I know I can’t get to sleep properly, not until I get this damn thing open,” Hunnigan yawned and gestured toward her laptop that was rather uselessly gnawing on the disk’s defenses.
Helena growled a little and sat cross-legged on the floor grumpily. She leaned over to rest her head in Hunnigan’s lap and put her arm around her midsection.“Bed. Now. Staying up is bad for your immune system, you’ll get sick,” she grumbled and repeatedly yanked on Hunnigan.
“Okay, okay, just...give me a while longer,” Hunnigan chuckled, ran her fingers through Helena’s hair a few times and turned her attention back to her computer then.
“What’s distracting you so much?” Helena mumbled sleepily, still leaning into Hunnigan’s lap.
“I’m just thinking back to what Hawke said when she read back the document she found in the tanker.”“What did it say? I don’t remember.”“It was about them moving Eveline to a safer location because they were worried about someone coming to steal their work, and I just can’t put it together. Who was coming after them, and what exactly is Eveline? I bet the answer is on that fucking disk I can’t open,” Hunnigan grumbled.
“Sounds like it’s just your standard arms race. If the weapon really has mind-control capabilities I’m sure the US government is eager to get their hands on it. Who can say, maybe you and Ada were actually working for the same employer after all,” Helena muttered.Hunnigan didn’t comment, but had to admit Helena had a point; for all she knew, some branch of the government was responsible for hiring Ada. Or hiring whoever had hired the next person to do the actual hiring, a connection Hunnigan hadn’t even bothered trying to make because she already knew she’d find nothing.
“Either way, I’m guessing whoever hired Ada is the one who was after the group who made the weapon. Why get involved?” Helena asked and Hunnigan turned to look at her. Helena couldn’t see the look on Hunnigan’s face because her eyes were closed, but if she had, she would’ve known she was currently on the receiving end of a level ten death glare.
“...aside from the fact that they sent an infected man to potentially infect the agency?”“I don’t think it was a direct attack against the DSO, we—” Helena paused to correct herself, realizing she shouldn’t be saying “we” after making it very clear she no longer worked for them. “The DSO just happened to intercept.”“Well, yes, and no one did claim responsibility for that, in my experience the major groups can’t wait to claim credit for something like that.”
“Exactly, whatever they were doing, it probably didn’t go as they’d planned. And now, whoever this group is, they seem to be on the run from someone else, so why should the DSO get involved?”“It’s our job, Helena.”
“Sure, but it’s easier if you let them fight, and then take out the winner afterward.”“Let them fight? That’s your advice?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.“Well, it’s not like you can take this to the DSO either, they’d want to know where and how you came to know about this, unless they’ve begun carrying out missions without verified intel since I’ve been gone. Besides, the document mentioned they were heading to Central America. Assuming they have alternate headquarters there and have moved all of their operations there, the DSO has no jurisdiction anyway,” Helena pointed out.Hunnigan ran her hands over her face, exhaled deeply and leaned back in her chair, raising her arms above her head and gripping the back of the chair. Helena was right about that too, not that lacking jurisdiction had always stopped the DSO from carrying out missions; they were just kept off the records...or blamed on the CIA if they got caught.“I hate to say it but you’re right,” she agreed. “I could leave an anonymous tip but what would I leave, I don’t actually have anything the DSO doesn’t already know. Aside from the disk, but I’d rather look at it myself first.”
“I know it goes against your nature but I think you’re gonna have to let this one go,” Helena said quietly, offering a rueful smile. She reached her hand out and Hunnigan gripped it, squeezing back when Helena held it firmly.
“I just know that if I let this go, it’ll come back to bite me in the ass.”
“It might not. Or if it does, then you’ll deal with it when it happens, it’s pointless to worry about it now since there’s nothing you can do about it anyhow.”“And I hate not having proper closure,” Hunnigan complained.
“Yeah, well, this isn’t a movie, in real life things rarely get wrapped up with a neat little bow on top,” Helena shrugged one shoulder and Hunnigan laughed.“I wish you weren’t right, but I know you are,” she had to agree.
“Exactly. So, leave it, and let’s go to bed,” Helena said, stood up and tugged on Hunnigan’s arm, and she finally gave in.October 31st, 2014.
Helena had accepted Hunnigan’s invitation to come with her to New York for the gig because of course she wanted to be there. It hadn’t been until after that she’d realized she probably would not be spending much time with Hunnigan at all, on the contrary; if she intended to remain anonymous as far as her identity as Hunnigan’s wife went, she would be forced to avoid excess contact publicly.
Fortunately, Helena had mentioned this to Hawke who had then offered to come along if Helena wanted someone to keep her company during the day.
“Plus, I can pretend to be your girlfriend if anyone starts getting suspicious about you and Hunnigan giving each other heart eyes,” Hawke had suggested with a grin.
It had been Nolan who had suggested that Helena and Hawke blend in by pretending to be a part of the group of VIPs who had purchased the slightly more expensive tickets to the show which included a private screening of the documentary, and a dinner with the band at Mel’s restaurant prior to the show.“No, here’s the thing, all I gotta say is ‘I’m lovin’ it’, and everyone knows what I’m talking about, everyone knows the little tune, they know the brand. But if you attach your message to a popular tune people already know, they’ll miss your message, they’re focusing on the tune. Which is why you gotta make the tune your message,” Nolan was answering a question about audio branding.
Helena didn’t really find it all that interesting but she did admit he made good points. If you removed the visual elements from a lot of brands, they would be unrecognizable. And indeed the soundtrack had the power to change the mood of a scene completely; a video of people walking on the beach to set to the tune of “Walking on sunshine” felt very different than it would’ve felt had the background music been the theme from “Jaws”. The conversation went on and while Helena didn’t find the topic very interesting, she did enjoy listening to Nolan speak because it was always enjoyable to see people talk about the things they were passionate about.Helena noticed that was another trait Hunnigan and her brother shared; they had the ability to speak in a way that made you want to listen. Jane was like that too, Helena mused when she recalled her late friend whose bravura had been telling stories. Helena took a deep inhale through her nose and closed her eyes for a second, needing a moment to dispel the mental image of blood and gore that was overtaking her mind when she thought back to Jane. To replace it, she conjured up a mental image of her from better times; Jane standing, body and brain intact, shrugging casually and smirking as she finished talking and said what she always said when she was done.
“But what do I know, I just tell stories.”
Helena opened her eyes and reached for her drink, turning her attention back to the situation she was in.“So, Brian says ‘maybe someone other than the pregnant woman do the heavy lifting’, and—"
Hunnigan continued the story of what had happened the last time they’d played a gig at this particular venue.“And I said ‘why, she’s pregnant, not dead’,” Nolan spoke over her.
“Cut to two hours later, my water broke.”“I think you totally did that out of spite,” Nolan said.
“Sure, of course, because that’s how it works,” Hunnigan laughed.
They’d spent the past couple of hours watching the documentary during which Helena had learned a lot of surprising things about these people who, sitting here, seemed so...normal and well-adjusted. Or, everyone was sitting at the table except for Mel. She was busying herself in the kitchen seeing as this was her restaurant, but Helena figured the real reason she was out there was the body dysmorphic disorder she’d spoken of in the documentary (during a clip from the nineties in which she had gotten genuinely upset with Nolan for filming her while she ate).She’d also learned that Nolan suffered from impostor syndrome and was anxiously waiting for people to come to the conclusion that he was a fraud, that everything he did and accomplished wasn’t enough to make him a professional, that he didn’t belong among his peers. Out of all the things, learning this had surprised Helena the most because despite this, Nolan was the most confident person she’d ever met, his level of confidence borderlining on arrogance if Helena was honest.What she’d learned of Brian was that he’d been a late surprise for his parents who’d both been in their forties when they’d had him, and while loving, they could be neglectful to an extent, not really paying too much attention to their youngest son’s comings and goings. Brian had grown up close to his older brother whom he'd idolized, and when his brother had gotten into trouble because of his connection to one of the local gangs, Brian too had been brought in for questioning
because of his proximity to him despite the fact that he had been just a kid at the time. It was also how and when he’d met Garrett Del Rey.
According to Brian, Garrett was the only reason he was willing to say “not all cops”. According to Mel, Garrett was the only reason she was willing to say “not all men”. Helena’s personal experience with him had been less positive and she had to wonder what it was about her that seemed to irritate him so much. If it isn’t about the crime that I didn’t even commit, then what is his problem? It can’t be the gay-thing either, he would’ve clashed with Mel too if that were the case. Was it because Isabela defended me? I think that would be too petty and really, not even my fault, Helena mused silently, lost in her own world.Petty as it might be, she figured it could still very much apply, for when had men not been petty over things their wives were better at than them. That said, the picture everyone here had painted of Garrett as a man, husband, and father didn’t fit that. Unless no one here had ever really seen the real him Helena had witnessed when he’d argued with Isabela about her, but it felt unlikely. Or maybe he just hates you because you’re you. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you, really , Frances’s voice suggested the obvious solution and Helena sighed internally.
Maybe.
Sure.
Why not.
And look at all these other people with problems but they don’t whine about them like you do. They cope. You’re pathetic.
“What’s the saddest moment of your life?” one of the ten VIPs sharing the table asked seemingly out of the blue, but Helena couldn’t be sure, she hadn’t been paying much attention to the conversation.
“Ma’am, bum everybody out!” Hawke frowned at the question, and Hunnigan laughed.“Do you want me to genuinely answer that?” she inquired and the woman who had asked nodded.“Probably when my grandmother died.I knew it was going to happen, the only good thing about cancer is you won’t be completely surprised. I sat in her hospice room after they’d taken her away and I saw her rosary on the bedside table, and I remember thinking ‘grandma’s gonna need those’, and then I realized she wouldn’t, and that’s when it really sunk in. Ugh, I’m messing up my make up,” Hunnigan said and Marisha (who worked nowadays as a creative producer at one of Nolan's creative businesses, but also had been the band’s vocalist for most of the time as Helena had learned only a couple of hours ago) immediately reached over to lend a hand in ensuring nothing got smeared.“Oh, thank you. Always use waterproof mascara, and never do your own hair and make up. Unless you’re Marisha,” Hunnigan said, the tears that had threatened to rise at the memory now expertly dabbed away.
“And even I don’t do my own hair,” Marisha commented, her remark earning chuckles around the table.Helena had to fight the urge to lean over and grab Hunnigan’s hand or hug her or do something, anything, in an effort to comfort her. But she couldn’t. Not out here, not now. Being unable to felt terrible.
“Okay, okay, what’s the scariest thing you’ve ever been though?” someone else asked. Helena didn’t pay much attention to their answers, she suspected the answers would be superficial unless people were genuinely committed to bringing the mood down.“I don’t know, being chased by wasps when I was a kid was pretty scary,” Hunnigan said and Helena smiled at that. She could’ve listed a handful of scarier things that happened to Hunnigan just in the past month.“You had a heart attack,” Nolan reminded her.
“Oh, that’s right, I did! I had actually completely forgotten about that,” Hunnigan laughed.
Helena knew that to be a lie. She hadn’t been obsessing over it, but she had made noticeable adjustments to her diet and often expressed regret after indulging a little. Helena had repeatedly told her that she didn't think Hunnigan's diet had ever been the problem, and keeping an eye on it would be a wasted effort if the stress levels her work had her under would remain unchanged.“And then there was the car accident,” Nolan listed.
“Okay, okay, I’m a very accident prone person, but I wasn’t scared as much as I was just really confused. I mean, I probably would’ve been terrified if Jeanne hadn’t been there to save me on both accounts,” Hunnigan said.Helena felt weird hearing that and being spoken of in third person. Especially because Hunnigan was using her middle name and insisted using the French pronunciation (doing so having been Nolan’s idea since referring to Helena as just “The Wife” wasn’t ideal if and when she’d inevitably end up being brought up in conversation); she wondered what mental images the people at the table had possibly conjured of her based on that.Weird as it was, she did appreciate the effort put into hiding her identity, if people thought Hunnigan was married to a French woman named Jeanne, all the better for Helena.“...but I still think wasps have had me more scared, they’re hateful jerks.”“Why did you stop signing?” another question was asked from the other end of the table. Helena hadn’t learned everyone’s names, she wasn’t expecting to make friends. She recognized the young man asking the question as the same guy who had a few hours prior happily squealed “Y’all are my favorite band, I can’t believe I’m meeting you!” but that was as far as Helena recalled.
“I heard Marisha sing, and I was like ‘yeah, she’s way better than I am’. Do I need more reasons?” Hunnigan chuckled.
“Not to mention she’s amazing on stage, very inviting and open, she’s great at engaging the audience,” Nolan interjected.“Aww, shucks, you guys,” Marisha smirked.
As Helena listened to the people chat with the band and ask them questions, she became acutely aware of not knowing much anything about the band itself, the focus of her interest had always been solely Hunnigan and her involvement. She supposed she’d get caught if anyone asked her to name her favorite song by them or anything else, really. Thankfully, everyone was more interested in them than her, no one was attempting to recruit her into a fanclub. However, she did end up being brought up during the conversation rather often, she noticed.“Guys, the wife is off-limits,” Brian reminded the woman who’d asked Hunnigan how she’d met Helena (or, Jeanne, to be exact).
“I saw her eat a taco without making a mess, and that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I had to ask her out after that,” Hunnigan said, the ridiculousness of her statement combined with the very serious tone and look she was giving amplifying the comedic effect, earning a few good laughs around the table, and an amused scoff from Helena.
“Was it a fish taco?” Nolan smirked and Hawke snorted into her wine glass so hard she ended up spraying some of it onto her face.Helena had never understood some people’s obsession with other people’s relationships. Why did it matter to some who Brad Pitt was married to? Or who Lee Del Rey, or anyone, was married to? It made no sense.Deborah had been one of the people who loved to read about celebrities’ relationships in tabloids but even she hadn’t been able to explain why she was so interested in it when Helena had asked her why she wasted her money on those magazines that had very little content beyond gossip.
It makes them more approachable and human in a way, I guess. To see them fuck up their relationships. Or get married and get old and get fat. Makes me feel better about myself being such a mess, Deborah had tried reasoning. Helena supposed it might do just that but she still didn’t get it, she had better things to do with her time than keep up with the Kardashians. Evidently, she was in the minority when it came to that.
“Does she support the band and what you do? Is she here?” a woman with dirty blonde hair asked, and Helena noticed Hunnigan’s eyebrow twitch at the question -an involuntary sign of her annoyance beginning to grow, but she answered regardless.
“Let’s see...she doesn’t really care for music, and she hates poetry—which is what I primarily write—, so I think it’s safe to say she could not be less impressed by what I do,” Hunnigan chuckled.“She sounds like a bit of a dick,” Helena commented, earning a round of frowns and glares from everyone but Hawke, who was busy trying not to laugh and spill wine through her nose. “What? We were all thinking it,” Helena added with a shrug.“She’s totally worth it, she’s ten years younger than me, she’s beautiful and clever and funny, she can sing ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’ with her mouth closed, and she has amazing hair,” Hunnigan listed and Helena felt her face grow a little warm at the slight blush the compliments were bringing out.“Oh, come on. Next thing you’ll be telling us is she has big tits too,” Brian rolled his eyes.
“You know, I used mine for their intended purpose, and that erased any lingering interest I may have had in sexualizing breasts, I assure you,” Hunnigan smirked. “Sure she has her flaws, she drinks her Cola warm, for crying out loud, but—"“Well, but that’s how you’re supposed to drink Cola. It was invented before fridges were a common thing in households, it tastes better at room temperature,” the woman with dirty blonde hair commented.
Thank you, ma’am! Helena exclaimed internally, but didn’t say anything aloud, instead she took a moment to enjoy the “face-journey” Hunnigan was going on, starting with her blinking in surprise, then frowning a little, squinting her eyes a bit and tilting her head as she prepared to respond but then held back because she had no answer.
This is a historic moment, someone knew something Hunnigan didn’t. I’ve never seen that happen before, Helena mused as she offered Hunnigan a brief but a very smug smile.“So, since you landed yourself such an awesome wife, do you have any dating advice?” one of the young men asked, and Hunnigan laughed heartily.
“Oh, no. Well, I mean, other than the obvious things, but honestly, I don’t...I have no idea how my marriage happened, I just got lucky,” she answered.I could tell you. It happened because of insurance, because you have a good heart and you probably felt sorry for me, Helena thought and sighed internally.“Be with someone who you’re comfortable sharing yourself with. All of yourself. Your depression, your anxiety, your quirks...as well as all the good things, of course. Be with someone who sees all of you and loves what they see. And when you find that person-" Hunnigan turned to look at Helena, "-never stop telling them 'I love you'. That’s...pretty much all I got,” she finished, shrugging a little, and Helena smiled in acknowledgment, hoping the immense yearning she felt to say "I love you too" would be conveyed through the few seconds of eye contact she dared to make.“Come clean, Lee. There is no wife. You made her up, didn’t you?” Marisha said, and Helena chuckled into her glass of wine (which she didn’t really even like because she hated the bitter taste of wine, every swallow making her shudder in near-disgust, but ordering a beer —or a warm coke— would’ve been so lower class, and she didn’t really want to make it even more obvious she didn’t belong here).
“Yeah, this is like back in school, there was always that one kid who insisted that he has a girlfriend but she goes to a different school or lives in Canada, so we don’t know her or can’t meet her,” Brian teased.
“All right, you got me, I made her up, I just wanted attention, and figured the best way to get it is to invent a woman no one is allowed to talk about. And it worked, suckers!” Hunnigan played along. With that, the conversation was steered away from the subject by the well-timed arrival of Mel.Helena had been surprised when she’d seen her in person for the first time. Based on the videos Helena had seen, she’d known Mel to be petite but she had expected her to be taller. Instead, the drummer of the band stood at what Helena estimated to be five feet and two inches, if that. The grown up version of her didn’t have a frame quite as fragile as she’d had when she’d been a teenager and her eating disorder had been in its full bloom. Helena did find it somewhat ironic that the woman who ran a successful restaurant and worked there as a head chef had had a period of her life during which she’d hated the mere thought of food and eating. It’s called growth, some people are capable of that. But look who I’m talking to, why would you know anything about it, an intrusive thought appeared once more, donning the voice of Frances. I’ll have you know I’ve grown remarkably as a person in the last year, so shut it, bitch, Helena argued with the ghost mentally.“How’s everything, everyone happy?” Mel smiled as she stood behind Nolan and Hunnigan, her hand on the back of his chair but the other landing on Hunnigan’s shoulder. Helena felt a sting of jealousy which she tried to dismiss.It was ridiculous to get jealous over something like that, she knew it. Mel was one of Hunnigan’s oldest friends, sure they’d been more than that at some point but that was, what, ten-fifteen years ago. The hand on Hunnigan’s shoulder was just a familiar way Mel was used to interacting with Hunnigan. And yet, the simple gesture’s intimacy bothered Helena, and she didn’t know why exactly, she wasn't jealous-jealous, just...something akin to it.“Yeah, best steak I’ve ever had,” she joined in the compliments, and realized she’d somewhat misspoken only after she received a look from Hunnigan whose tiny smirk and quirked eyebrow seemed to ask “Oh really?”
“Are you gonna join us?” Marisha asked.“Oh, no, no, someone’s gotta make your desserts, I wouldn’t trust my VIPs to my sous chef...but don’t tell her that, because she is actually brilliant and I don’t want to lose her to Gordon Ramsay,” Mel winked.
Their intimacy bothers you because you know they fucked. I mean, they were teenagers,
they probably fucked a lot. And meanwhile, your marriage is almost as good as annulled because you fail to consummate it, you’ve barely seen her naked let alone gone further. Deborah’s voice this time, blunt and to the point. Helena hated to admit but it was right; it wasn't jealousy she felt, it was envy. She envied Mel for knowing Hunnigan that way.Yeah, well. What'cha gonna do about it, Helena sighed internally. The answer was...nothing. There wasn't anything she felt she could do. The previous attempt of taking their relationship to the next level had ended in embarrassment and tears, and she wasn’t sure she had it in her to give it another go, at least not anytime soon.
That said, she realized she had no idea why she was giving herself these doubts. Hunnigan had been nothing but patient, she’d certainly never put any pressure on Helena, on the contrary, all she’d said was that she had no expectations and that this wasn’t a problem for her. So why was it such a problem for Helena?
Because of the envy over the fact that she’s shared herself with others so completely and I can’t reach that level, I’m missing out on something wonderful because I am spoiled goods.
Helena sat up straighter and inhaled deeply through her nose when she was brought back to the table from her thoughts as she felt a foot press against her shin. For a moment she thought it was Hawke but then she noticed the look Hunnigan was giving her, filled with concern, silently questioning if Helena was all right. Helena gave her a smile and a small nod, hoping they’d be reassuring enough.
The subtle pressure and warmth of Hunnigan’s foot on her shin disappeared as she pulled back and worked to slip her foot back into the Converse shoe she’d removed to be able to touch her. Helena sighed internally once more, feeling a bit better after just a few seconds of contact after a day of having to keep away from Hunnigan for appearances’ sake.She supposed it was somewhat sad and a bit alarming to be so addicted to another person’s presence that she’d feel noticeably better after such minimal contact, but at the same time, she didn’t care, it was a dependency and a high she welcomed happily, determinedly ignoring the dark thoughts trying to make her wonder how terribly her mind and body would break were she to ever lose Hunnigan.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Instead of having a single opening act perform before the band, they had several artists come by and perform a couple of songs Nolan and Hunnigan had written for them. Helena realized she’d been listening to their music unknowingly for quite some time as she recognized the majority of the songs performed, it had just never occurred to her that the people who’d actually written the songs would be none other than the Del Rey twins (which was the name they published music under).
The venue could host roughly six hundred people and the place was packed. Helena had wondered out loud why they’d chosen to perform a milestone gig in a small place like this, and Hunnigan had explained this was their favorite place to perform and that they preferred smaller avenues for the more intimate vibe they tended to have. And, Hunnigan had quietly admitted, she hadn’t expected this many people to be interested, so she’d voted against Marisha’s suggestion to move the event to a larger arena.
“Having fun?” Hawke asked Helena as she came to sit with her in the corner booth by the bar reserved for the VIPs. The rest of the group had rather ventured off into the crowd to stand nearer to the stage than stay back at the bar which suited Helena and Hawke just fine.
“Yeah. I mean, I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve never been to a live gig before,” Helena confessed and Hawke stared at her like she’d just admitted to never having seen the sky.
“...weeelll...with your penchant for introversion, I suppose that makes sense,” Hawke then commented after thinking about it for a second.Helena had never understood where the fun was in any of this. She didn’t listen to much music but what little she did listen, she preferred the clean studio versions of the songs over the live versions. Going to concerts to be shoved around by a mass of sweaty people dancing and singing along the songs wasn’t exactly something she found appealing either. Deborah had often invited Helena to join her when she’d gone out, but Helena never had done so. She was regretting it now, for reasons different than missing out on the experience of witnessing a band perform live.“Hello, ladies,” a slightly accented voice greeted and Helena felt her jaw drop a little (and saw Hawke’s jaw drop a lot) when the woman took a seat at the small table next to theirs.
She wore a white sleeveless fitted dress, the V-shape of the neck diving all the way down to the corset design that expanded from underneath her breasts to her waist. On her ears she wore the familiar large gold earrings with the family crest on them, and in addition to those, an elegant if bordering on extravagant gold necklace that rested over her chest, and a round
golden labret stud visible under her lower lip. The outfit was completed with a royal blue sash tied at an angle around her waist, and thigh-high dark brown leather boots. Simply put, she looked less like a lawyer and more like the pirate ancestor Helena had heard much about.
“Close your mouth, kid. You’re gonna catch a fly,” she told Hawke who promptly snapped her mouth shut.
“Isabela. You look...different,” Helena managed, and Isabela laughed.“Don’t we all,” she commented with a shrug. Hawke practically climbed over Helena as she eagerly stuck her arm out to shake hands and introduced herself to Isabela.
“How do you know each other?” Hawke then inquired.“I’m her lawyer,” Isabela answered for Helena, who simply nodded.
“You look kind of familiar. Didn’t you play that lawyer who represented the dude who ate his own parents on Law&Order ?”
“I have never represented someone who ate his own parents,” Isabela denied. “At least not on Law&Order,” she then added under her breath, and Helena exchanged a curious look with Hawke.“What happened there?” Isabela then asked and gestured across her own nose to elaborate her meaning. Hawke ran her fingers over the spot where the molded creature had taken a swipe at her.
The wound had healed and there was no sign of infection but regardless of that, the scar that remained looked kind of like a fresh smear of blood across the bridge of nose, extending to the top of her cheekbone. The DSO’s resident chief medical officer, doctor Lara Cassia, didn’t have an explanation for it, all she’d been able to say was that it was not infected, and as long as there was no pain or other complications, it was just a cosmetic issue.“Birthmark,” Hawke lied with a smirk.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to upset you if it’s a sensitive subject.”“It’s not,” Hawke assured.
“Good, it looks pretty cool, actually” Isabela commented.
“Thank you, I’ve grown fond of it myself.”
“Shouldn’t you be in the front row?” Isabela then asked Helena.“I don’t know?”
“Yes, she should. Get out of here,” Hawke said, and Helena was sure she was doing it just to get rid of her.
“Actually, Hawke, can I have a word with you? Grab a drink with me,” Helena said and headed over to the bar, Hawke following her.
“Helena, that gorgeous, ravishing MILF is about to get done. By me. And if you clitblock me now, I will literally murder you,” Hawke said in a very serious tone.“Yeah, but the thing is, you don’t know whose mother it is you’d like to—”
“Literally. Murder. You,” Hawke repeated, pausing for dramatic effect and to emphasize the seriousness of her threat. “I love you, but go away.”“Well, since you’re determined to let your clit do the thinking, have fun,” Helena smirked and headed over toward the front of the stage.Shortly after she’d made it over and secured herself a spot from the side near the wall, not very close to the stage but with a good view, the lights in the room dimmed to indicate the gig would start soon. The cheers and whoots from the audience were loud enough to almost hurt her ears, and she dug into her pocket, taking out the earplugs Hunnigan had given her. Oddly enough, it hadn’t even occurred to her she’d need those, but during the opening acts, she’d quickly realized why they were necessary.
The deep drumbeats of the epic intro playing the band in reverberated through the room, Helena could feel it vibrate the bones in her torso. As the song peaked with strings and brass joining the drums, the anticipating cheers and applause from the audience grew louder. The lights flashed across the stage to the beat of the song, each spot finally stopping to illuminate and reveal the band members one by one as they seemed to appear onto the stage from thin air. Finally, they were all lit, the intro ending in an epic swell, four semi-rapid hits to the hi-hat following kicking off the first song of the setlist.
art commissioned from Erika-Xero.
Helena was relatively certain she’d spent the past hour with her mouth open in slack-jawed awe of her wife who seemed to come to life on stage in a way Helena had never seen her before. She’d seen videos, but it wasn’t the same, the energy wasn’t as palpable as it was here in this room.The last song played out, the long piano and guitar solo accompanying Marisha and the audience’s voice repeating the chorus of the song until it ended, and the audience erupted in cheers. The band abandoned their instruments on the stands placed on the stage, took a quick bow and disappeared off stage.
“They didn’t play ‘Dancing mad’, they’re coming back,” Helena overheard someone say when their friend speculated would there be an encore. Shortly after, the crowd began chanting the words “We want more!” rhythmically, and Helena (much to her own surprise) joined in the chant as stagehands clad in black worked on something on stage in preparation for the encore.
A few minutes later Nolan walked on stage and took his position behind the row of keyboards, and leaned closer to his microphone.“Hi,” he said and the crowd cheered in response. “Since it’s a special occasion, we managed to arrange for a special guest to make an appearance for the first time in a decade, you all know him, give it up for Daddy Del Rey!” he introduced his father who walked on stage holding a guitar, his appearance accompanied by a tidal wave of cheers and applause from the audience.“Well, after a welcome like that, it’ll be really awkward if I suck,” Garrett chuckled, adjusting the height of the microphone stand. The rest of the band joined them on the stage and took their places. After everyone was set and the room quieted down, the lights dimmed once more. A few beats passed before Mel hit the song off and it erupted in a dramatic intro of heavy guitars and pipe organ, quieting down for the verse, allowing Garrett’s clean tenor to bellow over a melancholy tune before it all once more swelled into a heavy metal song.
The second movement of the long song began with a haunting tune played by Nolan, the other instruments joining in after a while. Hunnigan looked over at her father who was playing the guitar over it, and mimicked his extremely stern look before smiling. He noticed the “mockery” and exaggerated his stern look further before also visibly laughing as they played.
Hunnigan stood straighter as the song morphed once more and her solo began. Helena had overheard Hunnigan practice this part of the song a few times in the past couple of weeks. It sounded almost like it could’ve been a segment from a classical song had the instrument been perhaps a violin. Once the solo ended, there were a couple of beats of silence before the rapid fire of drumbeats kicked off the next part that began with Nolan’s solo, his father playing the same notes shortly after as Hunnigan played the second guitar for the section.The song then slipped into a slow, melancholy tune, the stage slowly dimming around everyone except Hunnigan who was playing the last, several minutes long and heartbreakingly sad but beautiful solo. The last note of it still played when only the pipe organs joined in to repeat the intro of the song, the heavy toll of a church bell chiming in the background being the last sound to slowly fade out as the lights went down, the room growing dark and silent for several seconds before the audience erupted in wild cheers, Helena joining in, beginning to understand why people enjoyed seeing gigs live.Garrett took a bow, thanked everyone for having him and exited the stage as Marisha entered, walking over to the electric guitar Garrett had left on the stand. Hunnigan stepped to the microphone and waited for the crowd to quiet down a bit before speaking.“I know this is usually the part where we end the show, but I figured you might wanna hear a new song I wrote recently...I mean, if you don’t, we can just...” Hunnigan trailed off, pointing to the side of the stage with her thumb to indicate the exit, her suggestion to leave met with loud objections from the audience.
“Let’s all just leave, the audience included, let’s go to a bodega and all buy the same item, like a pack of gum,” Nolan said.
“That would really mess up their inventory,” Hunnigan said and the audience laughed. “Anyway...Marisha has agreed to play the second guitar for this one,” she continued.“No problem, baby,” Marisha interjected with a smile and gave a thumbsup.“It’s an instrumental because The Moody Blues already wrote ‘ Nights in white satin’ ...Anyway, this is from my heart and soul just as much if not more. This one’s called ‘Theme of Jean’,” Hunnigan introduced the song and Helena felt...she didn’t even know what she felt. Hunnigan had said she’d wanted to write something for her, but she hadn’t seriously considered that Hunnigan might actually do that, or that any of the songs she’d written previously might have been about Helena in one way or another.
Hunnigan stepped over to the acoustic guitar that had been placed on a stand by the stagehands during the short break prior to the encore. The guitar wasn’t resting in the stand, it was ready to be played, and Helena realized Hunnigan was gonna play both, her electric guitar and the acoustic one. So, this is what she thinks I would sound like if I were a song? Helena smiled as she listened.The song opened with Hunnigan playing a few chords on the acoustic guitar before the rest of the instruments joined in, Hunnigan stepping away from the acoustic guitar after the intro and moving on to playing the melody of the song. There was a certain sadness to the tune but in the best possible way, in a similar fashion there was a hint of sexiness in the solo, and a simple little tune during the bridge that made Helena think of secret agents’ theme songs.Toward the end of the song, Hunnigan silenced her electric guitar, leaving those elements for Marisha to play while she flung her guitar over so that it was on her back, the headstock facing down. Hunnigan stepped back to the acoustic guitar and began picking the strings, playing the gentle acoustic outro.
The gig officially over, the musicians stood side by side at the edge of the stage, arms over each other’s shoulders as they all took a bow in front of the cheering audience. Someone threw a bra at Nolan who picked it up and began putting it on, Marisha assisting him with the hooks, the act earning a good laugh from the crowd and the rest of the band. Mel gently tossed her drum sticks into the audience, and following her example, Hunnigan threw the guitar picks she’d carried in her pocket. A small scuffle threatened to start over the ownership of one of the items thrown, but thankfully it didn’t escalate into a brawl.
After the stars of the evening left the stage, the crowd slowly began to move out, a few stragglers staying behind to grab a drink at the bar before heading out. Helena spent a few moments looking for Hawke but couldn’t see her anywhere.
Maybe she left with Isabela, Helena smirked to herself, not really believing that would be the case. She sent Hawke a text to let her know she’d be heading back to their hotel where she and Hawke shared a room. Helena would be spending the night in Hunnigan’s room (Nolan would have offered his apartment as a place to stay if it hadn’t been for the fact that he intended to use it with Marisha, their on-and-off-relationship set to “on” for the time being since they were in the same town), but she figured she’d let Hawke know just in case she was wondering where Helena had gone.Noticing there was almost no line at the bar, she decided to stay for a drink or two. Hunnigan had said she would be a while because she’d need to shower after the gig and possibly meet some fans, and Helena didn’t feel like waiting by her door at the hotel hallway like a lost puppy. She messaged Hunnigan, asking her to text her when she was at the hotel. About an hour and a half later, Hunnigan finally responded and Helena exited the venue, making her way back to the hotel, humming one of the band’s songs under her breath as she walked. She couldn’t remember the name of it, but it was one of the faster-paced, catchy-party-tunes.“‘We can make it hot, hot, bring it on the rocks, round round down, right until you wanna’— Oh my God,” Helena’s hum got cut short by what she witnessed as she exited the elevator at her floor. Isabela was being carried along the hallway by Hawke, her arms around Hawke’s shoulders, her legs tightly wrapped around her waist. Hawke broke their kiss long enough to slip her keycard into the lock to open the door, they stumbled inside the room and slammed the door shut behind them.“Oh, my God,” Helena repeated in a whisper to herself. She made her way over to Hunnigan’s door and knocked. Hunnigan gripped her arm and yanked her inside before Helena even had a chance to greet her. She pulled Helena into a passionate kiss, and she wrapped her arms around Hunnigan’s midsection, pressing their bodies together as they spent a few good minutes just kissing to make up for all the kisses they’d had to forgo today.“My, my, miss Del Rey, what if someone saw us and tells your wife,” Helena jested when they finally stopped for a moment to take a breath.
“I cannot think of an answer,” Hunnigan admitted, and Helena chuckled. She pressed her palm against Hunnigan’s chest to gently stop her when she leaned down to kiss her again, and Hunnigan frowned at that.“What’s wrong?”
“Uh...well, shit. I have to tell you something.”“I know, I smell so bad, I haven’t actually showered yet.”
“What? No. I like your BO,” Helena said sheepishly.“You’re weird.”
“And you’re lucky, you could save tons on deodorant.”“I’m pretty sure other people would still find my BO offensive,” Hunnigan smirked.
“Well, then they should pay for your deodorant.”“What a brilliant idea, I’ll save like three dollars a month.”
“That’s thirty-six dollars in a year, nothing to be sniffed at, pun intended,” Helena said and Hunnigan laughed heartily.
“What is it that you wanted to tell me?” she then asked and went to take a seat on the bed, Helena joining her.
“I saw your mom making out with Hawke in the hallway just before they went into Hawke’s room,” Helena blurted out and Hunnigan blinked in surprise at the news. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything, it’s none of my business, but then again, I think maybe you should know...because it’s your mom...and it’s Hawke...I don’t know, I’m just...reporting. If you see something, say something, and all that,” she continued babbling.
“I appreciate you telling me. But it’s okay, my parents have an arrangement.”
“Oh?” Helena’s eyebrows rose.“Yeah, my dad can sleep with any man he wants to, and my mom can sleep with any woman she wants to, as long as their one night stands are of the same sex and there are no feelings involved, it’s fine because that way he’ll still be the only man she’s slept with and she’s the only woman he’s slept with.”“Oh...” Helena repeated as she let the information sink in. “Do I even want to know how you know of that arrangement?” she then asked and Hunnigan grimaced a little.
“Well, once upon a time I entered the tour bus unannounced only to discover my dad balls deep in the bus driver’s ass.”“Ewww,” Helena laughed through her teeth.“I exaggerate, I didn’t see anything explicit, thank God, but it was obvious what was happening, and my dad and I had to have a very awkward chat about what I’d seen.”
“I wish I hadn’t asked,” Helena exhaled and Hunnigan chuckled.
“Forget about them, how are you, how was your night?” she changed the subject and took Helena’s hands into her own as they sat on the bed, facing each other.“So fun, I didn’t expect it to be, but that was awesome, you were awesome, and so cool, and that song! That was so beautiful, I had no idea, you’re...I’m babbling, but I just...yes, everything was great, you’re great, and I love you. I love you so much,” Helena chattered and Hunnigan smiled.
“I love you too,” she replied and leaned in to kiss Helena again, this time gently and slowly, wrapping her arms around Helena and holding her tightly.
“What do you say we take a quick shower and get into bed?” she suggested a few moments later and Helena nodded in agreement, not minding Hunnigan’s alleged stink, but aware that she herself probably reeked of sweat, cigarettes and beer, all of it forming a less than pleasant combination.“Hey, what was that song you mentioned, something about satin?” Helena asked about twenty minutes later after they’d both showered and were going through their post-shower ritual involving skin care.
“Nights in white satin,” Hunnigan said as she rubbed lotion on Helena’s back and shoulders.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard it. Or, odds are, I have heard it, but I just don’t recognize the name, I don’t know any songs by their titles,” Helena mused.
“Here,” Hunnigan said a couple of minutes later. She handed Helena an earbud and she put it in while Hunnigan took the other, thumbed the screen of her phone and slipped it into the pocket of her bathrobe.
Helena smiled and pressed the side of her face against Hunnigan’s shoulder as the taller woman wrapped her arms around Helena, and the couple proceeded to slowly dance to the song (which Helena did recognize now that she heard it).“This is wonderful,” Helena mumbled into Hunnigan’s shoulder.
“It is,” Hunnigan agreed and pressed a kiss on the top of Helena’s head.
“I liked your song better,” Helena then commented after the song ended, and Hunnigan chuckled.
“Well, good. Gotta like something of mine best, since apparently Mel’s steak is better than mine,” Hunnigan pretended to pout.“I was just trying to make the best of your competitiveness, now you’ll spend your time cooking me great steak just to prove you’re better than Mel,” Helena explained.
“You know me so well,” Hunnigan smiled, slipped out of her bathrobe and got in bed, Helena joining her shortly after.“You wouldn’t happen to have that song you wrote about me handy? I’d love to hear it again.”
“Which one, I’ve written dozens of songs about you,” Hunnigan chuckled.“Really? I had no idea!” Helena exclaimed.
“I’ll make you a playlist,” Hunnigan promised and settled to lay down. When Helena lay next to her, Hunnigan leaned over and kissed her deeply and slowly.“I missed you so much today,” she said into the kiss.
“I know, I missed you too,” Helena responded.
They spent another long moment just kissing and caressing each other, and at the point where it would’ve tipped from a little make out-session into full-blown foreplay, Hunnigan stopped, and Helena felt a sting of odd guilt over it. If there ever was a perfect moment to initiate sex, it would’ve been right now; after a good gig, when they both were relaxed and in a good mood, freshly showered, slow danced a little— and Helena hurt when she considered that had Hunnigan been here with anyone other than her, she would’ve continued, and it would’ve been the most natural way of ending the evening. Well, there is one solution, Helena sighed internally.
“Ingrid? There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“I’m listening.”“The arrangement you mentioned your parents have...it got me thinking, maybe you and I should...agree on something similar because I don’t want you to have to be celibate because of me, you know.”
“Sure, that’s a great idea. So, should I be looking for men or women, I can go both ways, so if one would make you less uncomfortable, let me know,” Hunnigan said and turned to lay on her back, tucking one hand under her head as she did.
“Uh...no, no restrictions, at least not for now,” Helena stammered a little, not having expected Hunnigan to take her up on the offer. Well, maybe you shouldn’t offer things you’re not actually willing to give, you moron, Frances’s voice scoffed, and it was right. A part of Helena wanted to argue that Hunnigan shouldn’t have accepted it, but at the same time, Helena never should’ve made the offer either unless she meant it, so really, it was her own fault.
“Leon’s gonna be back from his furlough in a couple of weeks, maybe I’ll bring this up with him, he’s been trying to bed me for a decade,” Hunnigan mused.
“Leon, seriously?” Helena scoffed.“Well, I would’ve considered Hawke but she’s probably currently knuckle-deep in my mother, so she’s off the list. Actually, it might be better if I picked up someone I don’t know, sleeping with Leon could make things awkward at the office.”“Yeah, that makes sense. Besides, you’ve got plenty of fanboys and fangirls, so I don’t think finding someone will be a problem,” Helena muttered.
“Good point,” Hunnigan agreed.
“Okay, good, so...that’s settled.”
“Do you want me to tell you when I’m doing it or would you prefer if I just didn’t mention it?”
“Um, no, I...I would rather not know any details.”
“What would you do if I got up and went to fuck someone right now?” Hunnigan asked, rising to rest her weight on her forearm, apparently preparing to get out of bed.“I—”
“Trick question because I would never do that, my God, Helena, I wasn’t serious. I mean, come on, as if I’d sleep with Leon. Only in the interest of renewing the mankind would I ever—”“Wait, wait—” Helena held up a hand, but Hunnigan continued speaking.
“I don’t want ‘just sex’, you can keep telling me you’re completely fine with the idea of me fucking around, even though, frankly, I’m a little insulted that you would think I’d actually do that, but I’m not going to do anything of the sort because—”“Okay, okay! You’re right, I wouldn’t really be okay with it, but like I said...I don’t want you to have to forego sex because of me.”
“Helena, what do I have to do or say to make you believe that I don’t care about sex? You’re imagining this problem, or have I said or done something that has made you believe I feel like I’m missing out on something? Because if I have, I assure you, I have not meant to.”“No, you haven’t said anything, I just...thought...”“Helena...” Hunnigan whispered softly and cupped Helena’s cheek with her palm. “Listen to me very carefully because I’m only going to say this once, and I don’t want us to have this particular conversation on this subject again, all right? I would never fuck around for the sake of fucking around, and I don’t know why you seem to be under the impression that I would; I’ve literally only slept with two people in my life. I don’t care about sex. I care about you. I love you, and being here with you, like this, is all I need. Do you understand?”“...yes.”
“Do you accept that, and will you stop being silly over this?”“...I’ll try.”
“Thank you.”“If you change your—”
“Oh, no, no, no, we’re not continuing this conversation, there is nothing to discuss, I’ve said everything I am about to say, and that is going to have to be enough for you, because if it’s not, then I don’t know how to help you,” Hunnigan said, her voice somehow stern and gentle at the same time.“What if I’ll change my mind and want sex with you?” Helena smirked, and Hunnigan chuckled softly.
“We’ve already had that conversation, too. You’re allowed to change your mind either way whenever you want, no questions asked.”“Okay. No more sex talk. At least not in this context.”
“Good. Now, what do you say we get some sleep, huh? I mean, I’m flattered you think I’d have the energy to have sex after the day and night I’ve had, but right now I can’t imagine any physical sensation I’d enjoy more than sleep,” Hunnigan said, her words punctuated by a well-timed long yawn that followed them.
“That sounds wonderful,” Helena agreed and snuggled against Hunnigan, both of them fast asleep in each other’s arms within minutes.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Saturday, November 1st, 2014.
Helena slowly moved to press herself into Hunnigan’s side and let her arm and leg rest over Hunnigan who lay on her back, still fast asleep. Helena didn’t really want to wake her up; if there was anyone on the planet who had earned the right to sleep in any day, it was Hunnigan. That said, Helena didn’t really want to miss the hotel breakfast, and they’d stop serving it soon.Helena leaned in to gently nuzzle the side of Hunnigan’s neck, moving to plant a series of tiny kisses on her skin, trailing her way up to Hunnigan’s ear.
“Ingrid,” she whispered. Hunnigan let out a sleepy hum as her arm instinctively tightened around Helena.
“We’re gonna be late for breakfast,” Helena continued in a whisper and softly pinched Hunnigan’s earlobe between her lips.
“Ow.”
“Oh, come on, that couldn’t have hurt,” Helena said.“No, babe, you’re on my shoulder,” Hunnigan groaned and pulled back as Helena moved in the opposite direction to move off and release the pressure her weight had put on Hunnigan’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize...”“It’s okay, it’s just a bit...agitated from last night, I suppose,” Hunnigan muttered and sat up to be able to stretch her arm a little.
“That, and I bet you’ve been neglecting your exercises,” Helena remarked, and Hunnigan sighed, not even bothering to deny it. “Did Cassia say anything about it, did she refer you to anyone?” she then asked.“She...cleared me,” Hunnigan avoided and Helena quirked an eyebrow.
“And by ‘cleared’ you mean...?”“Well...you know how sometimes in sports one of the key players hasn’t fully recovered, but they need to play, so the team’s doctor pumps them full of pain killers to get them through the game?”
“Yes, and those athletes risk permanent damage because, guess what, pain is a sign of something being broken in your body.”“Yeah, Cassia did say something along the lines of risking permanent nerve damage—”
“Ingrid!” Helena exclaimed and sat up as well. “How could you do something so irresponsible, what the hell were you thinking!”“That I had a gig to play and that I’d take it easy, which I did. I’m fine, just a little achy and stiff.”
“Unbelievable,” Helena muttered.“Look, it’s done, what do you want me to do about it now?”
“Nothing,” Helena sighed deeply, “but I really wish you’d stop taking this so lightly, your shoulder’s already suffered major trauma, repeatedly; adding unnecessary stress to it is plain stupid. You’re better than that.”“Evidently I’m not.”
“Ingrid...”“I’ll do better, I promise,” Hunnigan smiled, leaned to kiss Helena and got out of bed then. Helena sighed deeply but didn’t comment. She knew Hunnigan meant what she said but she also knew it would take all but five minutes and an important enough task to make her forget and default back to self-sacrificing.
A while later, they had gotten dressed and both headed down for breakfast with twenty minutes to spare.As they entered the room, Helena’s attention was immediately drawn to Isabela who was sitting at the table by a window, the sheer force of her personality and her charisma making it almost impossible to not let one’s eyes fall upon her. She was still dressed in the same clothes she’d worn last night, with the addition of a long, light, almost see-through jacket, which Helena realized was the royal blue sash that Isabela had had tied around her waist, only when unfurled it transformed into a jacket that managed to make the entire ensemble go from overly sexy to just plain casual-almost-business.
Hawke sat with her, eating her breakfast as Isabela spoke on the phone. Hawke noticed Helena and Hunnigan, and waved at them to join them, and Helena wondered how this would go. She knew Hawke to be somewhat shameless but she didn’t think Hawke would’ve so freely invited Hunnigan to join her if she’d been made aware of Isabela and Hunnigan’s relationship.
After getting their food, they walked over to Hawke’s table.
“Pleading the fifth is a pretty big red flag, so I’d advise against doing so, especially since you didn’t do anything,” Isabela sighed to whoever was on the other end of the call.
You dense motherfucker, she mouthed an addition and rolled her eyes.
“Honey, the FBI is not your friend, convincing them of how nice you are and how you only want to help won’t serve your interest in the slightest, and unless you want them to take you into custody, you’ll tell them you won’t agree to be interviewed unless I’m with you. Go home,” Isabela said and abruptly ended the call.
“Tough case?” Hawke asked.
“Nothing I can’t fix,” Isabela shrugged and took a sip of her coffee.
“You’re still here,” Hunnigan said to her as she sat next to her.
“Good morning to you too, kitten,” Isabela said, and Helena noticed Hawke frown a little at the term of endearment. Helena sucked on the insides of her cheeks to keep from grinning as she watched Hawke struggle to piece everything together.
“I’m just waiting for my ride. And here he is now,” Isabela then said as Garrett arrived. Hawke’s confusion became more and more visible when she watched the bearded man approach the table, greet Hunnigan and Isabela in a very familiar way, kissing both women’s cheeks.
“Ready to go?” he asked.
“Yes,” Isabela confirmed and stood up. “Adiós gatito,” she told Hunnigan and planted a quick kiss on her temple before turning to leave.“Adiós mamá, ” Hunnigan responded without breaking eye contact with Hawke.
At that moment two things happened; Helena lost her poker face and burst out laughing at the expression on Hawke’s face when she finally realized who she’d slept with last night, and Hawke -in her shocked state- inhaled the piece of bacon she’d been chewing on.
“I got this,” Helena then assured when it became obvious Hawke was actually choking. She quickly moved to stand behind her, put her arms around Hawke, and forcefully thrust her hands into Hawke’s abdomen, expelling the errant piece of bacon from her trachea.
“Motherfucker,” Hawke wheezed.
“No, you are,” Helena chuckled and patted Hawke’s back.Helena had spent almost the entire day in a state of varying levels of awe as Hunnigan had agreed to take Helena visit the places she’d always heard everyone tell her she should visit if she was in New York; they’d visited the Basilica of St.Patrick’s Old Cathedral and done the tour of the catacombs, stopped by the Empire State Building, and continued from there to a restaurant in Williamsburg where Hunnigan had once upon a time promised/threatened to bring Helena in order to cure her from her heathen ways of eating unseasoned eggs with ketchup.
“I think we’ll have time to check out the Brooklyn Flea before we need to start heading back if we want to stop by the Met before dinner,” Hunnigan mused after checking her watch.
“Sounds good,” Helena said, not entirely certain what Hunnigan was talking about exactly, but she figured she’d find out soon enough.
“Also, I realize that having dinner with my parents is probably not in your top ten things to do for fun, so if you want to skip it and go do a pub crawl with Hawke or something, I won’t mind.”
“I don’t think Hawke is in any condition to do that, I probably bruised her ribs when I Heimliched her, not to mention she’s probably still in shock over Isabela,” Helena chuckled. Hawke had mentioned her plan for the day was to stay in the hotel room and make the most out of room service, and the room’s bathtub.
Typically Helena would’ve been happy doing the same or something similar, but the chance to visit new places, especially with Hunnigan, was far more exciting; Helena had barely been anywhere before. Sure, she’d done some traveling for work and while in the military, but those instances had never left her with opportunities and time to go sightseeing.“...unless you think it would be better that I won’t attend dinner?” Helena then realized to inquire.
“No, I do want you with me, of course. But again, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, is all I’m saying.”“I’ll be there,” Helena smiled.
“Okay, good,” Hunnigan smiled back.After finishing their meals, they headed over to the Brooklyn Flea, which turned out to be —as the name may have suggested— a large flea market. Most of the things that were on sale didn’t particularly interest Helena; she wasn’t one to wear much jewelry, and preferred her clothing more plain than the items of that sort on sale. Then she spotted a man selling art, and made her way over to him.
They chatted for a bit as she browsed his wares, and finally she found a piece she had to have.
“Ingrid. We need this,” she said and pointed out a painting of two fluffy baby owls.
“Definitely,” Hunnigan agreed with a smile.Once finished with the transaction, they headed back to the hotel to drop off the painting (and to check up on Hawke, who was happily lazing away in the bathtub) before continuing to the Metropolitan museum of art. Helena admitted she was completely expecting to become bored in no time, but she was quickly proven wrong as she found herself fascinated by practically everything, even items and events she hadn’t really thought much about.She noticed Hunnigan giving her a gentle look as she chuckled, and Helena frowned at that.“What?”
“I just love seeing you so excited, it’s cute,” Hunnigan shrugged as they toured the arms and armor-department.“Me being an ignorant grunt who has never visited a museum before is cute to you?” Helena smirked.
“You nerding out over things you find cool is cute to me,” Hunnigan corrected.
“Well, can you blame me, these are so fu—er, let me class it up a bit... frigging cool,” Helena said and pointed at the detailed decorations on the flintlock rifle on display. “When we get home, I think I’m gonna decorate my guns, make them...twenty percent cooler,” she then added.“Twenty percent cooler?” Hunnigan chuckled.
“It’s a Rainbow Dash-reference, Seeley would get it.”“Wow, I can’t believe you and my son have your own My little pony- related inside jokes,” Hunnigan put her hand over her chest to exaggerate the mock-hurt.Helena had managed not to think about the upcoming dinner with Hunnigan’s parents during the day but once it was time to exit the museum and she lost the last distraction, she could feel nervousness beginning to brew in the pit of her stomach; having dinner with Garrett Del Rey sharing the table was an anxiety-inducing thought.
I’ve faced zombies, monsters, terrorists, criminals, and whateverthehell Kassandra Good should be classified as, but one fucking dinner with my wife’s dad has me terrified. Ugh, loser, Helena sighed internally at herself as she walked beside Hunnigan toward her parents’ apartment at Fifth Avenue.“There’s over a mile’s worth of museums for you to check out here if you’d prefer doing that,” Hunnigan said as if having read Helena’s mind.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Helena smirked. “Look, I know you’re trying to spare me, but you don’t have to. Besides, we’re married, it’s about high time I officially met your parents anyway.”“Yeah, I may have kind of completely forgotten to tell them we got married. Not that they haven’t already figured it out but still, I expect to get some shit about not inviting them to the wedding.”
“Seriously?”“Well, we did it so quickly and it’s not like I generally report to them anyway, so it slipped my mind,” Hunnigan shrugged sheepishly as she led Helena toward the apartment building.
“Oh, wonderful,” Helena sighed a little as she followed. “Wait, people actually live in places like this? Like, real people? I didn’t think places like this existed outside of movies,” Helena muttered then as they entered the pre-war apartment building, the door held open for them by a doorman dressed in a tidy uniform, the ensemble topped off by a pair of white gloves on his hands.
“Good evening, Ms. Del Rey,” he greeted Hunnigan.
“Good evening, Joaquin. How’s the elbow?”
“Getting better, Ms. Del Rey, thank you for asking,” he smiled.
Oh, God, I am way out of my element , Helena groaned internally as she got into the elevator with Hunnigan.
“Suddenly I feel like I should’ve worn an evening dress or something,” she said out loud then, and Hunnigan laughed softly.
“Yeah, because I’m dressed to impress,” she said, gesturing at her body. She wore dark gray jeans and black boots, a black leather jacket and underneath that a red and black plaid flannel shirt over a simple white T-shirt. Frankly, out of the two of them, Helena was the one who was better dressed in her black straight pants and burgundy collared shirt.
“And furthermore, this is not a fancy dinner, it’s chicken my dad’s probably managed to burn and lumpy mashed potatoes, you have nothing to worry about,” Hunnigan assured as the elevator arrived at the destination floor.
“How are you not stuck up?” Helena asked.
“What do you mean?” Hunnigan laughed as she unlocked the door and let them into the brightly lit vestibule. It took Helena a long moment to answer because she was too busy
gawking at everything. Yep, definitely fancy, way too rich for her blood. At least the decor was in better taste than what she’d expected based on how she’d seen wealthy people generally decorate with pretentious art and tacky furniture.“Well, I have never even heard of rich people being decent, so how are you not a total asshole?” Helena whispered and Hunnigan laughed harder.
“Just because my parents have money doesn’t mean I have money. They didn’t even pay for my education, I went to school on a scholarship, remember?” she reminded Helena.
“That makes no sense to me, though. If I could afford it, I’d totally spoil my kids.”
“Yes, and then they’d be assholes, so I figure not being spoiled by my parents is why I’m not an asshole,” Hunnigan smiled.
“Point taken.”
“Perfect timing, dinner’s just ready,” Garrett greeted when they entered the dining room where Isabela sat at the end of the table, Marisha and Nolan sitting to her right. Helena felt a sense of relief wash over her when she saw them and realized it wouldn’t be just her and Hunnigan.
After a round of greetings, Garrett and Isabela carried the food in from the kitchen before sitting down for dinner. For the most part, it was a lovely dinner, the food was good and the conversation flowed comfortably (thanks to Marisha and Nolan who expertly drew attention away from Helena for which she was grateful), but as Helena had suspected, it did turn sour the later it got. She just hadn’t expected the exact way things would turn that way, and she certainly hadn’t expected that she herself would not be the cause of it.Helena lit a cigarette and took a deep inhale of smoke as she stood on the narrow terrace. The view was brilliant and the weather nice and cool, the city lights dotting the horizon as far as the eye could see, the sound of traffic from Fifth Avenue very audible but not overbearing at this height. Helena couldn’t even begin to imagine living in a place like this let alone growing up here.
Oh, God, Helena groaned internally when Garrett stepped out to the terrace and joined her. Evidently she’d said it out loud because he chuckled and said, “Am I that bad?”“What?” Helena exclaimed, mortified upon realizing her groan must not have been as internal as she’d thought.
“You’ve been as anxious as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,” he elaborated and lit a cigarette, moving to stand next to her, leaning his forearms to the railing.
“Well...no offense but the last time we met you made it quite clear you don’t like me, so excuse me for feeling a bit awkward,” she told Garrett.
“Yeah, about that. I owe you an apology,” he said and Helena’s eyebrows rose.
“Really?”“Yes. You know what they say, when you hear hooves, you think about horses, not zebras, and you were the horse, and instead of doing my job properly, I just decided that you were guilty because it was more convenient than trying to find someone else who could’ve been responsible. I was a shitty cop, and I apologize for that, and I’m glad Ingrid and Isabela figured it out because if they hadn’t, I’d have sending an innocent woman to jail on my conscience, and I can do without that.”“Wow, this is...unexpected. Thanks.”“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not thrilled about you, not based on everything I learned about you and your history. I think Ingrid can do better, but...that’s not up to me, it’s up to her.”“...that’s fair,” Helena muttered.
“I’m not all...fragile male ego who likes to think he’s in charge of the women in his life,” Garrett smirked.“Oh, I dunno, asking your wife to quit her job because her winning makes you feel bad seems like a pretty fragile male ego-thing to do,” Helena mumbled, and clamped her hand over her mouth as she realized that once again the words were actually leaving her lips. Instead of being insulted, Garrett laughed.
“Is that what you think happened?” he wheezed out a cloud of cigarette smoke as he laughed, shaking his head. “I asked her to quit because she went from being an ace lawyer to being the kind of a lawyer who would withhold discovery and take on the kinds of clients you meet in meat lockers and whose ‘family’ members will leave bombs at your doorstep or in your car if you lose a case for them. I asked her to quit because I wanted her to be safe, that’s all.”“Oh...the impression I got was not quite that,” Helena said awkwardly.
"I suppose I should be flattered if I genuinely came across as someone who would have any say in his wife's decisions. I hate to say this but Del Rey women have a way of messing you up in a million different ways. So, heads up, I guess; you'll do well to remember that Ingrid's a purebred Del Rey-woman," he chuckled.Helena didn’t know what to say to that. The Ingrid she knew didn’t come across as the kind of a person Garrett was describing, but then again...who was she to say what was the truth?“For what it’s worth, I want you to know she’s the most important thing in my life and I will do everything in my power to do right by her.”“Well, then. I guess that’s all I can ask for,” Garrett shrugged, put out his cigarette and stepped back in, Helena following behind shortly. As she entered the living room, she noticed the mood had shifted while she’d been away.Had Helena not grown up in the care of an ill-tempered alcoholic, she too would’ve probably missed the subtle change. However, thanks to her childhood, noticing such things had been wired deeply into her because being able to tell when it happened had often meant life and near-death.
Whenever Frances had drank too much and passed from the point of happily buzzed to wasted, she’d gotten a certain look. Narrowed eyes, mouth set in a disdainful frown one might get when looking at a pile of vomit, anger so palpable emanating from her it was almost visible as she silently mulled over something that was annoying her, the excess of alcohol fueling the anger, enabling it to grow from nothing and blow out of proportion until eventually she’d lash out.
Helena was painfully familiar with the look; she had not, however, ever expected to see that change in demeanor happening in Hunnigan. Not that she could blame her, Isabela’s criticizing remarks, as subtle as they were, had been numerous throughout the evening, and apparently Hunnigan had finally had enough.“Oh, how convenient that you’ve constructed this perfect little storybook-version of what my childhood was like, completely ignoring all the shit you put me through,” Hunnigan yelled.
“I only wanted what was best for you!” Isabela yelled back and slammed her empty glass onto the table.“You wanted what was best for you! You and your fucking legacy!”
“You’re embarrassing yourself.”“No, no, if I was, you wouldn’t care. I’m embarrassing you, ” Hunnigan said, emphasizing her words by jabbing her index finger in Isabela’s direction.
“Well, yeah, because like it or not, you are an extension of me!” Isabela scoffed.“Yes, yes, your precious Del Rey-blood, you value it like it runs with gold, what has it ever gotten you, huh?” Hunnigan questioned, leaning to the coffee table, swaying drunkenly a little as she got into Isabela’s face, so close their noses almost touched. “Generations upon generations of careful breeding to produce the best possible specimen of what house Del Rey has to offer, were you as big a disappointment to your mother as I was to you?”“Ingrid—”
“Oh, wait, you didn’t waste any time fulfilling your ‘womanly duties’ to the family, did you?” Hunnigan spoke over her, stood up straight and went to pour herself another drink at the bar cabinet.“No, because that’s what the fuck life is sometimes, one vile task after another, but you get up, and you get it done,” Isabela spat.
“And there it is, finally you admit that Nolan and I were nothing but a vile task for you. Not that I didn’t know, but it’s good to hear it straight up,” Hunnigan laughed bitterly and took a drink from her glass.“Oh, stop being such a drama queen, it’s not like your life was so tragic, and whatever parts of it were, those were your own doing. You ran off and took your brother with you. You enabled his addictions and your own, and when it all went to hell, who made it go away? I did. And that’s what really bothers you, isn’t it?” Isabela hissed and stood up as well. “You are so fucking arrogant and presumptuous that you can’t even fathom the idea that you’re capable of making mistakes.”“That’s rich coming from you,” Hunnigan scoffed.
“Unlike you, when someone points out my mistakes, I own up to them. You never did, and I doubt you ever will, especially since you can so conveniently hide your mistakes from the world. Not every girl can just walk away after harboring two domestic terrorists,” Isabela said, and Helena realized she was talking about her and Leon, and what had happened in Tall Oaks.
Oddly enough, it had never occurred to her that she and Leon had been considered domestic terrorists at the time. From Helena’s point of view, that wasn’t what they’d been, on the contrary, they’d been the only ones trying to bring the actual perpetrators to justice. But from the DSO’s point of view, what else were they supposed to think, especially after Leon had openly admitted to shooting the president? What were they supposed to think after it had come out that Helena had sent the president’s security detail on a wild goose chase, leaving him vulnerable just long enough for Simmons’s agent to get close enough to infect him.
And somehow, Hunnigan had made it go away. Yes, the evidence Helena and Leon had brought back from China had implicated Simmons, but none of that changed Helena’s part in it all. She had been coerced but even when taking that mitigating circumstance into account, it would never be enough to convince anyone that the woman who essentially murdered the president should walk free. But here she was. It had never occurred to her to ask how exactly Hunnigan had pulled it off. And now she was growing too scared to ask because she didn’t want to know the extent of it all. The more she listened to Isabela go on about Hunnigan’s tendency to disappear her mistakes, the more convinced she became that maybe it wasn’t all legal.
Ingrid Hunnigan has a dark side, who would’ve guessed? Helena mused. Well, she supposed anyone who bothered thinking twice about it would’ve guessed, but Helena had never had any reason to, not really.
“Leave that out of this.”
“Why? Because it’s inconvenient for you?” Isabela mocked, and nimbly ducked the backhand Hunnigan threw in her direction.“You dare to”—Isabela began, but Garrett intervened, placing himself between his wife and his daughter who were now about two seconds away from starting to brawl. Helena stepped to Hunnigan and gently tugged on her, pulling her away from her mother as Garrett turned to Isabela.
“Hey-hey-hey, all right, come on now, everybody cool it, all right?” he reasoned as Isabela poured herself a drink, emptied her glass in one large swallow, and set it down.
“I’m going to bed. Good night, kids,” she said, turned, and disappeared into the hallway leading out from the living room.
“What did I tell you, honey? A dinner and a show,” Nolan finally chimed in, his arm around Marisha’s shoulders as they sat on the couch, the redhead visibly biting the insides of her cheeks to keep from laughing.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan made a noise that wasn’t quite a groan or a grunt, but some weird combination of both with a hint of a cough. She had no memory of almost anything after dinner. She remembered drinking a lot and fast because Isabela was digging her way under her skin by making remarks about Hunnigan’s failure to let her parents know about her marriage to Helena, and the fact that she hadn’t even had a proper wedding. And the more they’d both drank, the deeper they’d dug into their rocky history, picking at scars that were by now decades old, the fact that they could still fight over the same old things proving neither had ever truly forgiven the other and moved on from what had originally caused the injury.
But that was just what she guessed had happened. It was an educated guess based on years of experience, there typically only was one way things ended if she got too drunk. Difference now was that Helena had been there. She’d caught a glimpse of what Hunnigan was like when she got too drunk back during the New Year’s party at Nolan’s when Hunnigan had gotten into an argument with her brother, but it hadn’t been anywhere near as bad as last night...she assumed.
Okay, I’m at the hotel room, that’s good, she mused when she finally got her eyes open. She reached to feel the other side of the bed, but it was empty. Right now she wasn’t sure what to make of that. Had she said or done something inappropriate last night, had Helena rather chosen to spend the night sharing Hawke’s room? She heard no sound that would’ve implied Helena was present, just out of view either.
Oh, God, did I do something? Hunnigan thought as she slowly sat up, an unpleasant feeling of nausea stirring up in her abdomen. It wasn’t strong enough to make her feel like she could vomit, but rather it was that annoying feeling that just circulated in her gut and throat.“Oh, hey, you’re up,” Helena said as she entered the room with a brown paper bag which Hunnigan assumed contained food. Unfortunately, the thought of eating made another tidal wave of nausea swell up within her, and Hunnigan swallowed hard against it.
Okay, so, judging from her tone, she’s not mad at me, that’s something, she thought as she took a few deep breaths. Helena put the bag down and pulled out a bottle of water, took a seat on the bed and gave it to Hunnigan.
“Thank you,” she breathed, her hand slightly shaking as she reached for the bottle and drank from it greedily.
“And I brought you a smoothie, it’s got banana and kiwi and strawberry and blueberry and...a bunch of other stuff that’s supposed to help with hangovers. There’s also a hot dog in case you feel like”—Helena’s sentence was cut off by Hunnigan rushing out of bed and into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
She gagged repeatedly before the bitter liquid and whatever remained undigested of her dinner finally came out, the exertion from vomiting causing her heartbeat to pound painfully in her head, neck and spine.
“Oh, God,” she groaned repeatedly, flushed the toilet and rinsed her mouth thoroughly before heading back to bed. “Cuddle me?” she then requested weakly, and Helena gave her a rueful smile.
“I want to but I can’t.”“Why not?” Hunnigan pouted.
“Because I gotta pack and we need to check out in an hour, and then we gotta catch our train.”“Nooo...” Hunnigan complained and Helena chuckled.
“I’m sorry. Try to eat something and take two of these,” she said and left a bottle of ibuprofen on the nightstand. “I’ll handle the packing while you get some more rest, okay?”“You’re a godsent,” Hunnigan breathed, took the smoothie and managed a few swallows. “So, um...did I...do something, or...say something...?” she prodded slowly, not entirely sure she wished to know just how badly she’d embarrassed herself.“Weeell...” Helena drawled as she picked up the unpacked items and began putting them back in their suitcases. Hunnigan finished drinking the smoothie as she listened to Helena give a recap of the events of last night, and a vague description of Hunnigan’s rant about Isabela during their trip back to the hotel, but that part was missing a lot of details because Helena hadn’t been able to make out a lot of what Hunnigan had been trying to tell her. Thank God for small miracles, Hunnigan mused. She felt humiliated enough as it was, she didn’t need to hear she’d managed to bitch and whine about her past to Helena of all people; growing up extremely well taken care of by a slightly distant and temperamental mother was a cakewalk compared to what Helena had lived through. Not that she would’ve dismissed Hunnigan’s issues because they weren’t tragic enough comparatively, Hunnigan knew that, but knowing didn’t make her feel less embarrassed about complaining.“Just out of curiosity, why was continuing the bloodline your sole responsibility? She has a son, too, it’d be easier for him to do it, surely,” Helena said.
“Oh, believe me, Nolan was pressured to breed just as I was, but he went ahead and permanently ruined his sperm count with cocaine.”“I guess that’s one way out of family obligations. On a positive note, I learned last night that your dad doesn’t hate me. He’s not thrilled about me either but, I’ll take what I can get. Oh, and he called you a purebred Del Rey-woman, whatever that means. I think he meant it as a warning,” Helena chuckled.“Well, now I’m offended,” Hunnigan muttered. “And mortified.”
“Look, you got drunk and lost your temper, it happens, and I don’t blame you for getting upset, your mom threw a lot of fire at you.”“No, I mean...you taking what my dad said as a warning is the right reaction, Del Rey-women are horrible people. I don’t like who I turn into when I’m around my family, especially my mom. And I don’t like who I turn into when I drink, and I’d hoped you’d never have to see this side of me. I might not be a stuck up rich bitch but I’m a Del Rey, and in a lot of ways, that’s probably worse,” Hunnigan sighed.“Well, feel free to take my last name if transitioning to a family of violent lushes would help,” Helena jested as she zipped up the suitcases.Once Hunnigan, Hawke and Helena had boarded the train from the somewhat depressing underground Penn Station and found their seats on the train, Hunnigan hid underneath her jacket and leaned back in her seat, trying to get back to sleep. She wasn’t sure how long she’d managed to nod off for before waking up to Helena and Hawke’s conversation, but she did start to feel noticeably better than she’d felt earlier.“How have you gone your entire life without learning a second language?” Hawke asked. She sat on the opposite side of the conference table, fiddling with a half-empty Dunkin’ Donuts-coffee cup. Hunnigan figured she’d slept through the service passing through the car.
“I’ve been trying but it doesn’t stick. And get off your high horse, just because you’re British doesn’t mean you learned another language when you moved to the U.S., it’s still English,” Helena responded.
“American-English is not real English anyway, you spell way too many words with the letter zed,” Hawke shook her head.“First of all, it’s zee, not zed. Secondly, you’re one to talk, what kind of a monster writes the word ‘color’ with a U, that even looks wrong, co-lo-U-r,” Helena mocked.
“Wow, this is a sensitive subject for you, huh, Harper?” Hawke laughed.“And another thing: biscuits are not cookies, they’re bread.”
“Bitch, please, with the amount of sugar you put in your bread they might as well be biscuits ,” Hawke dismissed.“Do you two need to be separated?” Hunnigan groaned as she sat up. “Helena, you’re good at math and bad at languages, being good at one and bad at the other is a very common combination, it’s just how your brain is wired.”“It’s ‘maths’,” Hawke interjected in a mumble.“So, are you bad at math,” Helena paused to glare at Hawke, “because you speak like fifteen languages?” she then asked from Hunnigan.
“For the record, I only speak three languages fluently. But no, I’m a polymath, I’m good at a lot of things,” Hunnigan smirked tiredly.
“Your wife’s kind of an uppity know-it-all, isn’t she?” Hawke teased.
“Yeah, she’s quarter-French, so she’s a little...you know...” Helena trailed off with a smirk.“French?” Hawke suggested.
“Yes.”“Are we there yet?” Hunnigan yawned, ignoring their remarks.
“Almost, it’s another twenty minutes or so,” Helena said.“Nice.”
“Hey, Hunnigan? Should we, um...talk about...you know...yo mama?” Hawke asked awkwardly, and Helena snorted.
“Oh, God, I’d rather not,” Hunnigan groaned.
“For what it’s worth, I didn’t know.”“I tried to warn you,” Helena reminded her.
“First of all, shut the hell up, Harper. Second of all, the woman’s a Scorpio, how was I supposed to resist?”“What the hell kind of a lame-ass bullshit excuse is astro”—
“Want me to do your chart sometime?” Hawke spoke over her.
“...well, I kinda do now.”“I believe you, and it’s fine, honestly, it’s none of my business who you or she sleep with,” Hunnigan finally interjected.
“Okay, just don’t want things to get weird at the office.”“Jeryn, everything’s fine, I assure you,” Hunnigan repeated.
“Well, all right then,” Hawke let it go.
With that, Hunnigan leaned back and closed her eyes, not managing to get any more sleep, but rested her eyes while Helena gently raked her fingernails up and down along Hunnigan’s forearm.
Roughly half an hour later they’d exited the train, said goodbye to Hawke and were on their way to pick up Charlie from the care of agent Lace Harding who had agreed to dogsit for Helena. She spent several minutes just petting Charlie and cooing at him, and he greeted her back just as excitedly and happily. When they finally got home, Hunnigan exhaled a deep sigh of relief at the journey finally being over, and now she could just lie down and nap in front of the T.V. for the rest of the day.
Her feeling of relief disappeared rather quickly, though, only to be replaced by a sense of unease. Something felt off. She couldn’t say for sure what it was exactly that made her feel that way, but she was certain someone had been in the apartment while she and Helena had been away. Charlie let out a startled “wuf!” when Hunnigan suddenly rushed past him and into her office.
On the surface, everything looked like it was where it was meant to be, nothing seemed to have been frantically ransacked like it would look had there been just a run-of-the-mill burglary, no, the place was as tidy as Hunnigan had left it...with one exception. Beside her desk had been a safe where she usually stored her laptop and everything else confidential when she wasn’t at home to personally keep an eye on them. Now it was gone, and a dark red file folder was on her desk, a letter placed on top of it, written in neat handwriting, signed with an imprint of lips in red lipstick.
Don’t worry, I’ll reimburse you for the computer, and add a little something for your troubles, consider it an incentive to behave yourself. Focus on your wife. Use the money to put her through medical school or something, she seems to have an affinity for it. Speaking of, I have something for her. I found it while I was back in Tall Oaks, I figured she might want it.
And don’t send “Hawke” after me, I wouldn't want to let it slip to the MacCartaighs that their favorite bonebreaker is in D.C. and looking quite well for a woman who allegedly died in Hell’s kitchen in that shootout between them and the Farinellis six years ago. As I understand they weren’t exactly happy with her, rumor has it that the shotgun pellets in her back were from “friendly” fire. But I digress.
Do not come after me. You know what I’m capable of and you’re the one with everything to lose here.
No hard feelings, Hun.
“Ingrid?” Helena asked from the door.
“She took it. That bitch-born whore, she took it!”“Who took what?” Helena frowned.
“Ada fucking Wong!” Hunnigan spat furiously and grabbed the edge of her desk.“Hey, whoa!” Helena flinched when Hunnigan flipped the desk, the items on it clattering onto the floor, the lamp breaking with a loud crash as it fell and got crushed underneath the desk landing on it upside-down.“She was here, the disk is gone, all my work, everything I had on my...God damn it! Damn it!” Hunnigan screamed, her anger quickly deflating and turning into a feeling of frustration fueled by a sense of desperation over the fact that everything she’d worked so hard for had been for nothing and the fact that there was nothing she could do about any of it anymore.
She wasn’t worried about her computer being in the wrong hands, it was equipped with a solid state drive that Hunnigan could remotely destroy in numerous ways, simply by texting it or even simpler, wait for Ada to try accessing it and fail the two-part authentication which would trigger the self-destruct just as well. A very convenient way of storing data, very secure but also came with a handy side-effect for someone in Hunnigan’s line of work; should anyone ever imply they had reason to audit her hard drive, all she had to do was let the laptop’s battery run out and the drive would nuke itself, leaving her the option to shrug and say “oops”.
Funnily enough, her reports and audio logs detailing the events of Tall Oaks had met with just such an unfortunate “accident” when the Secret Service, the FBI, NSA, and the DOJ had asked for them during the investigation of the details surrounding the president’s death. Of course, agent Skylark hadn’t been the only one who had (rightfully) accused Hunnigan of tampering with evidence, but no charges had ever been filed because everyone had been more than happy to look the other way when they’d been made aware of Hunnigan’s lineage (especially since they’d already been given Simmons as the mastermind behind everything at that point).Her parents hadn’t spoiled her in the typical way of buying her everything she wanted and paying her expenses for her, instead they had given her something more practical, something much better and at the same time much more devastating to one’s personality than that. They had gifted her the sense of security that came from knowing you could get away with almost anything. Thanks to her mother’s influence and her father’s willingness to look the other way, Ingrid Hunnigan was a cat walking away from a pile of broken glass with an attitude that suggested you should interrogate the dog if you found things broken.Ironically, that was also one of the main reasons Isabela clashed with her so frequently. The gift she’d given her daughter had enabled Ingrid to go through life declaring the unthinkable, that she would not be having children and continuing the proud line of Del Reys, she’d had the audacity to do what she wanted instead of doing what she was told, and that had not been an option given to Isabela. It wasn’t an option she’d chosen to give Ingrid, it was just an unexpected side-effect of raising her to believe she could do anything she wanted, and thus, she’d grown to resent her daughter over a choice she’d accidentally given her. Not that Isabela was the model of obedience herself.Isabela Del Rey wasn’t one of the country’s best criminal defense attorneys just because she knew how to keep the mob wives of New York out of prison; she was also the person the men and women really running the country called when they needed someone to explain away everything from DUIs to dead underage prostitutes in their trunks. Despicable examples of human scum as those people were, they were also the ones you wanted owing you favors, and Hunnigan had asked her mother to call one in for her during the aftermath of the Tall Oaks-incident.She didn’t want to know what bailing her out had cost Isabela, what terrible thing she’d covered up for her, and she didn’t want to know, not even if it were something relatively harmless. The occasional pangs of guilt because of it were the punishment she’d chosen to give herself over it. Those, and the anxiety that came from waiting for the other shoe to drop; Isabela still hadn’t asked her to return the favor, and Hunnigan dreaded the day she would because no matter what the details of the favor would be, it would end up costing her dearly in one way or the other.The obvious solution to these kinds of problems was to stop breaking the law, and while Hunnigan could mostly get away with only slightly stretching the rules rather than breaking them, and while she didn’t mind that being morally good required more effort...there was always a voice within her asking her the question “what has being good ever gotten you?”, and despite her efforts to deny it, that question was legitimate. No matter which way she tried to look at it, being good had gotten her so much less, and even the moral high ground didn’t make her feel like it was worth it.
Not when taking the morally questionable route had rewarded her with Helena and Leon’s freedom and Simmons’s posthumous conviction of treason; doing the right thing, doing what was considered just in that situation would’ve been to let Helena get the death penalty, and have herself and Leon thrown in jail for conspiracy to commit treason.
Justice is an idea that is reasonable and functional in a world of ideas, but it doesn't work in real life. In the real world there will always be someone whining about how they want justice for what was done to them in the name of justice. Where does it end?
Words Hunnigan had overheard Isabela tell Garrett over two decades ago. Hunnigan couldn’t remember what had prompted the conversation but she recalled Isabela’s words because much to her surprise, she’d found herself for once agreeing with her mother. And now, the more she saw the world being torn apart by people resorting to the extremes to satisfy their need for justice, the more she agreed with Isabela.
What the hell was the point of fighting for justice, of doing the right thing when people like Ada Wong could just waltz in and undermine all your efforts in seconds? There was no point, it was becoming more and more clear that the sanest choice in this insane world was to allow yourself be dragged down to their level and forget your moral quarrels about fighting dirty because dirty fighting was the only way to even have a chance at winning.Charlie came into the room, went to Hunnigan and tried to comfort her as she slowly slumped onto the floor, sobbing because that was all she could do, she was so furious and frustrated she couldn’t take it.
“Get him away from me, I know he means well but this is not—” Hunnigan said through tears, and Helena gently ordered Charlie to return to her and he reluctantly did so, following Helena out of the room and remaining outside as Helena went back in. She was about to take a seat next to Hunnigan when she held up a hand.“Please. I’d really like to be alone now.”
“...okay,” Helena whispered after a moment of silence and left, closing the door behind her.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena lay on the couch, Charlie resting on the floor beside her, his head underneath Helena’s hand as she absent-mindedly scratched behind his ears. The T.V. was on but she wasn’t really paying attention to what was happening on the screen and she had the sound turned down. She was debating whether or not she should check up on Hunnigan.She had said she wanted to be alone, but at the same time, there were a lot of times when people said that but didn’t really mean it.
“What do you think, boy?” she asked Charlie who turned to look at her and tilted his head a little. “I can’t tell if that is a yes or a no,” she continued and Charlie yawned. She chuckled and patted his head gently. She switched the T.V. off and sat up when she heard the door to Hunnigan’s office open.
“You’re bleeding, what happened?” Helena asked when Hunnigan entered the living room, cradling her injured hand in the other.
“I cut myself picking up the pieces of the lamp that broke, it’s just a little cut, nothing to worry about,” she assured, went to the kitchen and ran water over the cut on the side of her palm.“Sit down, let me patch you up,” Helena said and Hunnigan did so while Helena grabbed the antiseptic gel and a bandage from the medicine cabinet.
“I’m sorry about that whole...display you had to see,” Hunnigan said.“It’s fine, you’re allowed to get mad,” Helena assured as she carefully rubbed the gel over the wound before wrapping the bandage around Hunnigan’s hand.
“Maybe.”“Come on. Look who you’re talking to, like I’m one to criticize,” Helena smiled. “Besides, not gonna lie, it was kinda cool,” she added and Hunnigan let out a rueful laugh, shaking her head a little.
“It’s not just that. It’s not just Ada stealing the disk, it’s not just my mom being...herself. I haven’t been honest with you about everything,” she then muttered.“What do you mean?” Helena frowned and finished dressing the wound.
“I mean a lot of things, I don’t even know where to start,” Hunnigan exhaled deeply. “Remember when you asked about my falling out with Isabela, and I told you we got into an argument when I was moving to D.C. from New York?”“I...kind of— vaguely, yes,” Helena said after taking a moment to think back. As she recalled it had something to do with Hunnigan being tardy about removing her belongings from her parents’ storage.“ ‘Everything this fucking family has comes from the work I do, so take your fucking moral high ground and get the fuck out of my sight!’ ” Hunnigan then imitated her mother’s voice, managing even her barely noticeable accent perfectly. “That was the last thing she said to me before I finally moved out. We didn’t speak until after I graduated. But the thing that gets me is realizing that the older I get, the more of that so-called moral high ground I lose.”“What do you mean?” Helena asked and turned to sit sideways on the couch so that she could face Hunnigan. The taller woman sighed deeply and arranged her thoughts for a moment.“My mother’s motto is ‘don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty’. And why not, it’s worked very well for her, that’s what she gets paid for,” Hunnigan began, and laughed a little. “I remember this one time the Feds showed up with a search warrant because they thought she was holding onto a quarter of a million in cash for a client of hers who had conveniently left town before the FBI could question him.”“Why leave the money with her?”“I don’t know, I imagine it was for his wife. Odds are his assets were frozen, he was going into hiding for a long while, he wanted to make sure his wife and kids would be taken care of in his absence, so he gave the money to his lawyer and told her to give it to his wife. It’s what I’ve done.”“Oh, really? Should I start looking for caches of cash?”
“Don’t waste your time, it’s all in the hollowed-out GameCube, top-shelf in the office closet.”“Way to take the fun out of hunting it down,” Helena pouted.“I actually did use the GameCube as a stash back when I lived with Nolan and he would routinely rob me to finance his coke-habit,” Hunnigan mused. “But in all seriousness, when I die, or if I go missing, or if I’m incarcerated, you can expect to be approached by a nice lady named Tamsyn Novak on my behalf, informing you that I left you a little something. It’s not millions, but it’s something to keep you going for a while at least.”“What? Why?” Helena frowned. She’d made her comment in jest, she hadn’t expected Hunnigan to have actually done something like that. Furthermore, she didn’t want to think about Hunnigan dying. She figured it was selfish of her, but Helena sincerely hoped Hunnigan would outlive her just so Helena wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of losing Hunnigan, ever.“What do you mean why, because I wanted to make sure you’d be okay. As for why cash, I tried doing it the easy way, but I was denied any worthwhile life insurance thanks to my medical history, my driving history, and, get this, apparently DSO agents are considered high risk even if they are just desk jockeys,” Hunnigan explained with a shrug.
“Driving history?”
“You run over someone once, and it haunts your paperwork forever.”“You ran someone over?” Helena exclaimed.
“The guy was already in a wheelchair, how much more damage could I do?”“What!”
“I’m joking!” Hunnigan burst out laughing. “Ah, babe, you should see your face,” she said and gently cupped Helena’s cheek as Helena exhaled a deep sigh, leaning into Hunnigan’s hand.
“Don’t do that to me, you know I take everything you say as God’s honest truth,” she said, gripped Hunnigan’s wrist and gently kissed her palm, noticing a brief look of guilt pass on Hunnigan’s face. Guilt over what exactly she wasn’t sure. Lies she’d told Helena, perhaps; lying to someone you knew believed everything you say was easy to do but hard on the conscience.“Anyway, I, uh...” Hunnigan began bringing them back to what she’d been saying, “I figured I’d do something else to make sure you’ll be taken care of. Well, almost sure, I suppose if Novak decided to take the money and run we’d have a problem, but I don’t see her doing something as stupid as that for what is essentially pocket money, so don’t you be getting any ideas about murdering me for the money either.”“It’s all the money you will save on deodorant since you won’t have to wear it around me because I like your stench,” Helena quipped, and Hunnigan laughed.
“Yes, I started saving when we got married, so there’s like, six dollars already,” she played along.
“Frankly, I’m surprised you were worrying about me and not Seeley.”“Well, unless some kind of a divine intervention happens, Seeley is the sole Del Rey-heir as far as my mother is concerned, meaning he is the most important thing to her, she’s already set up a trust that will have him covered for a lifetime or two. Of course he will inherit me as well, but I wanted to make sure there’d be no way anyone could interfere with what I want to leave to you. The Del Rey family is as large as it is pretentious, whenever one of us dies, you’ll have distant relatives crawling out of the woodwork with charts proving they’re entitled to a part of the inheritance, no matter how small.”“Charts? Really?” Helena chuckled.
“Really, charts and lengthy legal processes, sometimes over literally pennies,” Hunnigan confirmed.“Hearing things like that makes me glad I don’t know anything about my relatives, and that I’m not rich enough for any of them to come looking for me in hopes of getting some cash,” Helena chuckled.Thinking on matters such as this now, Helena realized she hadn’t updated her will since making one shortly after receiving orders which had let her know she’d be going to Afghanistan. She hadn’t exactly had any reason to think about it, Deborah had been her only living relative, there’d been no question who would inherit her. Not that there was anything to inherit, Helena hadn’t owned anything back then, still didn’t. If anything, she owned even less now that she’d sold most of her possessions that held any resale value.
“Point is, Seeley is my blood, he’ll be fine no matter what. Meanwhile, you are the other half of my soul, and sadly, as far as the law is concerned, that doesn’t mean as much as DNA does,” Hunnigan smirked.
“Calling me the other half of your soul is so corny I am almost embarrassed by how much I love hearing it,” Helena smirked back and kissed Hunnigan softly.“You bring out the corny, mushy romantic in me,” Hunnigan smiled into the kiss.
“So, what happened with your mom and the FBI?” Helena then asked to bring them back to the topic before they’d both forget completely.“Right, so the agents searched the apartment, even dug out the potted plants, but found no sign of the quarter of a million dollars she was holding onto.”
“So, she didn’t have it?”“Oh, no, she had it. Guess where she stashed it?”
“I dunno, hollowed out books?” Helena shrugged, realizing only then it was a silly suggestion. Quarter of a million in cash would probably require a lot of hollow books. “Hollowed out GameCubes?” she then added, and Hunnigan chuckled.“Close! My computer,” she said.
“You’re shitting me.”“Nope. She took the motherboard out, she put the rolls of money in, and put the motherboard over them so even if anyone did open the case and peeked in, they’d just see the motherboard. This was in the early nineties, most people had never had any reason to look inside a computer so they wouldn’t have necessarily known there were crucial parts missing, and luckily for mom, it never even occurred to them to check.”“That was devious of her,” Helena commented, and Hunnigan nodded.“That’s her, devious and clever, makes her an excellent lawyer but a dreadful human being. Hell, if it weren’t for the machismo keeping her from being seen as nothing but tits and ass, she’d probably be running the smuggling and money laundering-operations in Santo Domingo,” Hunnigan muttered, and Helena quirked an eyebrow.“—er, I mean, running the Del Rey-rum business,” she corrected slowly, making air quotes.
“Riiight,” Helena drawled.
“Speaking of Dominican women migrating to New York to get the hell away from the machismo, I wasn’t exactly honest about grandma-Ingrid either, though that was for the documentary, not a lie I told you. Her husband didn’t ‘let’ her come to New York, she ran away from him and technically kidnapped my dad because she took him with her. I mean, he wanted to go, obviously, but still, technically it was kidnapping.”“Wow. That’s...I mean, I can imagine why she would do that, I wouldn’t want to stay either if the situation was as bad as I’m imagining it was, I’d take my kid and run,” Helena admitted.
The mere thought of being considered a man’s property and having to wait on him and put up with God only knew what kind of abuse from him just because you weren’t allowed to even have your own bank account made Helena’s blood boil. She’d seen enough of that bullshit back in Afghanistan which was where she’d quickly come to despise the male sex, their bloated egos, and their self-important bullshit.Some of it had been Jane’s influence, she’d been the one who had routinely pointed out terrible things to Helena, but she had done it for all the wrong reasons. She hadn’t done it to bring injustices to light, she’d done it to get Helena to ally with her when she and her less than honorable soldier-friends had taken it upon themselves to gun down civilians.
They deserve it. Look at what they do and tell me they deserve to live. Do you have any idea how many of these shitbags kill women just to preserve their own so-called honor? How can you not want to punish them when you see what they do?
While Helena agreed with Jane’s argument that the women shouldn’t be treated that way, and hated not being allowed to interfere when she saw women assaulted in broad daylight, or had to treat women and girls whose injuries were obviously caused by a man who’d needed to make himself feel big by beating on a woman or a child, Helena didn’t agree with what appeared to be Jane’s method of fixing the problem; unless she intended to shoot every abusive male in the country, which was something Helena considered letting them off too easy. Lining them up and castrating them violently would’ve been a more fitting punishment. Men rarely feared death as much as they feared living without their dicks and balls.
Helena knew Jane’s motivation had never been to protect the women, they were just a convenient politically correct excuse. Jane had been an excellent bartender, a brilliant storyteller, and not a bad friend to have...but she’d also been patriotic to a fault, extremely xenophobic, and openly racist; Helena had no doubt she would’ve given the women the same treatment had there not been an abundance of easy-to-hate-men to inflict her punishments on.
What does it say about you when your only friend is a piece of shit like Jane fucking Palmer? Frances’s voice asked in the back of Helena’s mind, and she sighed a little. Sadly, that was a good point.“What about your grandmother from your mom’s side? After everything I’ve been told about the Del Rey-women, I have a hard time imagining her putting up with a husband,” Helena then asked and the corner of Hunnigan’s mouth slowly rose to a grin.“She had eight husbands, total.”
“Really?”“Her first husband, my mother’s father, died in the Dominican civil war in 1965. Her second husband died in a car accident, the third got trampled by a horse, her fourth husband was run over by truck, her fifth husband fell from the bell tower of the local church...” Hunnigan listed.
“What was he doing up there?”“Nobody knows.”
“Uh-huh...” Helena narrowed her eyes a little as she listened, beginning to think the deaths of grandma-Alejandra’s husbands were not accidents. Or that perhaps Hunnigan was teasing her again.“Her sixth husband was stung by a bee, he was allergic. Her seventh husband died from taking too much ibuprofen”—
“That’s not how it works, even if you overdose on it, you’re likely to get away with just a stomach ache,” Helena scoffed.“Sure, unless you’re taking too much of it daily for an extended period of time and wash it down with alcohol, which apparently can cause intestinal bleeding and kidney failure,” Hunnigan elaborated.
“Well...yes, but...ugh, unbelievable,” Helena muttered.“And her eighth husband died in a violent tailoring accident,” Hunnigan finished listing.
“Tailoring accident, really? How gullible do you think I am?”“He got his hand stuck in a sewing machine, the shock of it was too much, and he had a heart attack.”
“I would expect a tailor to be more careful with his hands.”“Funnily enough, he wasn’t a tailor,” Hunnigan shook her head.
“Good God.”“Anyway...”
“No, wait, are you pulling my leg? That all really happened?”“I swear,” Hunnigan held up her hand.
“Honey...you do realize your grandmother was a serial killer?”“ Allegedly, ” Hunnigan scolded, but her tone of voice made it obvious she didn’t buy the deaths as completely accidental any more than Helena did.
“I know, there is no such thing as a ‘crime-gene’, but when you grow up in a family that’s very nonchalant about stuff like money laundering and murder, it kinda twists your moral compass a teeny-tiny bit.”“What Isabela or anyone else in your family does is not a reflection on you or your integrity, and it’s certainly not your responsibility,” Helena said and Hunnigan nodded a little, shrugging one shoulder.
“True, but my point is that I’m not squeaky clean, and what makes it worse is that I’m as unapologetic about it as the rest of my family is.”“What are you talking about, what have you done?”
“Most recently? Remember that guy you almost killed at that diner?”“Yes,” Helena said, feeling a wave of embarrassment come over her when she thought back to that. He’d deserved the beating, that was for sure, but it was embarrassing to have lost control so completely...and so publicly. Frankly, a lot of things that had followed that had been quite humiliating.“I assume you also remember that against all odds, he didn’t want to press charges. I can tell you he didn’t drop it just because I asked nicely.”
“Ingrid...what did you do?”“In a nutshell, I blackmailed him and threatened to have him labeled as a sex offender if he didn’t drop it.”“Well, I mean, considering his behavior, I think that would’ve been reasonable, so it’s not like you did a terrible thing,” Helena dismissed, but as much as that felt just to her, she had to admit, it wasn’t how things should've gone; by the law she should’ve faced the consequences of her actions. Perhaps that was the much-talked about difference between law and justice. A difference Hunnigan was apparently willing to use and abuse to guarantee an outcome she preferred.“Maybe, but that’s just one of many things, I’ve done worse.”
“Like what?”“Well...first, swear to me you won’t repeat any of what I’m about to tell you.”
“I swear I will not tell anyone anything,” Helena said.
It wasn’t like she had anyone to tell these things to; she didn’t have any friends, not ones she would’ve felt like sharing major secrets with anyway. She did consider Hawke and Leon her friends, but they were more the types of friends you called when you wanted to grab a beer with someone, or go see a game or a movie, not the kind of friends you opened up to about what was going on inside, at least not while sober, and after doing it drunk, you’d pretend nothing was said the night before.“This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is somewhat morally questionable considering we’re talking about hiring agents to work for the DSO which is supposed to be incorruptible in every shape or form, but when it comes to hiring agents, we need the best of the best regardless of their history, and to some extent, regardless of their character.”“I already knew that, I mean, you hired me,” Helena jested and Hunnigan smilled, but didn’t comment on the remark, her silence wordlessly agreeing with Helena’s point.
“I don’t know what Hawke has told you about herself but if she’s stuck with the program, all you know is lies. Lies I made up for her. Her real name is Marian Amell, she used to be involved in organized crime and got shot by one of her own crew during a shootout with a rival family.”“The map of Tasmania...” Helena muttered.
“...the what?” Hunnigan’s eyebrows rose.“Oh, it’s...just a stupid joke she made that makes a bit more sense now,” Helena dismissed and Hunnigan didn’t ask her to elaborate.
“Faking one’s death isn’t as easy as it looks in the movies, so someone who knows someone who knows someone found a way to contact me for help, and long story short, Marian Amell died and Jeryn Hawke rose from the ashes.”“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because Ada implied she might go there if she saw it necessary, I didn’t want you to find out from someone else. I know, it should really be Hawke’s business to tell you but since I’m the one who enabled it, I consider myself responsible.”“Do you have any dirt on Skylark?” Helena smirked, and Hunnigan barked a laugh.
“Ironically, she’s probably the agent with the cleanest history, transferred from the FBI, nothing weird or off about her,” she said.“Should I assume that every field agent you hired is some former mobster or something?” Helena had to ask.
“Don’t be silly,” Hunnigan shook her head. “Most are ex-military or ex-law enforcement. I just...don’t always ask why they’re ex-whatever-they-are as long as they haven’t been convicted of anything, and as long as they don’t cause trouble.”“Like me.”
“Like you,” Hunnigan confirmed.
“Okay, well, that’s not so bad, giving people a second chance, basically,” Helena shrugged, trying not to think of the possibility of someone like Sergeant Kassandra Good possibly ending up in DSO’s ranks just because Hunnigan chose not to ask, or looked away.
Surely there’s some kind of a limit to what she’s willing to overlook, Helena mused.“Then there’s the bigger stuff. Like the aftermath of Tall Oaks...There were a couple of members in the investigating committee who were determined to see you go down for treason until I asked my mom to reach out to some of her contacts who were in a position to...’persuade’ them to let it go and let Simmons take the full blame.”“And by ‘persuade’, you mean...what exactly?” Helena asked, now beginning to think she didn’t really want to know.
“I didn’t ask for any details, it could be anything from threats to extortion to kidnapping.”“Jesus Christ, Hunnigan,” Helena exclaimed and stood up. “Why would you do that?” she muttered into her hand as she began to pace back and forth in front of the coffee table, Charlie giving her a curious look, trying to decide if he should go to her or wait at his spot. He chose to wait for now.“Because you were one of mine. It was my job to look out for you,” Hunnigan said.
“Not at that cost!” Helena said, her voice rising to a higher pitch. “God, why would you put that on me?” she squeaked and ran her hands through her hair, the dark tidal wave of doubts and bad thoughts swelling up inside her when she considered that she really would have gotten the death penalty like she’d wanted if Hunnigan hadn’t interfered.A part of her still wanted to blame Hunnigan for ruining her death, and now she had a valid argument to back it up with; it was what should’ve happened in the first place. It didn’t matter that right now she would regret giving into it without a fight; in that moment, she had wanted to die, and she would’ve.
“Hey!” Hunnigan snapped and stood up as well. She gripped Helena’s wrists firmly and held onto her arms. “None of that is on you. I did it, and I don’t regret it. I just regret not being honest about it to you sooner. And now I’m kind of regretting saying anything because I feel like I’ve made you think about this for no reason...”Helena exhaled slowly and closed her eyes, shaking her head a little.
“So...what did that cost you?” she asked and Hunnigan slowly released her grip on Helena’s wrists, letting her hands drop to her sides. Hunnigan took a step back, put her hands on her hips and shrugged, her body language and the expression on her face relaying the universal gesture of “I don’t know”.“Isabela hasn’t asked me to return any of the favors I owe her. Not yet.”
“Is that good or bad?” Helena asked and Hunnigan shrugged again. Helena sighed.“All right. Okay. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”“After how you reacted to finding out about the DSO blacksite, how could I? I figured you’d be all...’fuck you, fuck your gangster mother, and fuck your black ops, I’m leaving’. I didn’t want that. Even if it meant...keeping things from you and telling a few lies. See, this is exactly what I meant when I said I am losing my moral high ground, I’m just as bad as Isabela is, maybe I’m even worse because I don’t own up to it like she does, I don’t even know. I hate that. I hate lying, especially to you,” Hunnigan said.
“Then why did you lie to me?” Helena asked, beginning to grow agitated, and noticing Hunnigan seemed to be feeling the same way.
“Well, it’s not like you didn’t lie to me. Tall Oaks, you lied about Leon having a lead.”“Yeah, because if I hadn’t claimed he was the one who had it, you wouldn’t have believed me, and you would’ve told him to detain me!” Helena argued.
Granted, she was now relatively certain Leon would’ve disobeyed the order to detain her had she just told him what she knew right out of the gate. They’d had no reason to trust each other, but he had vouched for her, and followed her. Moments like this Helena realized she probably didn’t give Leon enough credit; had he not been there with her, the truth about everything that went down in Tall Oaks would probably have been buried forever.“What are you talking about, I didn’t”—
“You asked him: ‘Leon is that true?’ because you wanted confirmation from him , you never would’ve taken my word for it,” Helena said.“Yes, because at the time, all I knew was that you had told the other agents to go investigate suspicious activity and then you abandoned your post leaving the president vulnerable, and— you know what, no, no, I’m not arguing about this, I’m not doing this,” Hunnigan shook her head.
“You’re the one who brought it up,” Helena reminded her.“I know!” Hunnigan snapped and held up her hands that were slowly balling into frustrated fists. “I know. And it’s an irrelevant argument, it has nothing to do with what I was saying, it’s just me doing exactly what Isabela said I always do, it’s me trying to weasel my way out of taking responsibility by putting the spotlight on you and accusing you of doing the same thing I did. I’m sorry,” she apologized and reached to take Helena’s hands into her own once more, and Helena let her.
There had been a time, not very long ago and simultaneously a lifetime ago, when she would’ve shaken herself free and left, or allowed her temper to get the better of her, resulting in unnecessarily escalating the argument into something white hot and painful. But now, as she stood here with her hands in Hunnigan’s, staring into her blue-gray eyes, Helena couldn’t imagine herself leaving.
She couldn’t even say she was really angry. Here she was, with a woman who had just admitted to lying and keeping secrets from her, and all Helena could think about was how much she loved her, and how she’d forgive her anything. Why do you think she did any of those things, huh? For you. You’re not in a position to judge her, she did everything to save your pathetic skin, Frances reminded her, and Helena hated saying it, but it was true, at least to some extent. On the other hand, Helena hadn’t asked for any favors, so how was it her fault what Hunnigan had done even if she had done it for Helena?“You’ve always been quick to tell me how you are not worthy of me or how I’m so good or better than you, but the truth is, I’m not worthy of you. You’re a better person than I could ever be,” Hunnigan said.
“Don’t be silly,” Helena chuckled ruefully.
“I mean it. You have more integrity than I ever had to begin with...and if I weren’t so selfish, I would’ve told you all this long ago, I would’ve told you the first time you ever said you felt like I was better than you, but I didn’t because I’m a selfish asshole; I’d rather let you think less of yourself than risk you leaving me if you knew the truth about me. That’s a shitty thing to do to anyone, let alone to someone you love...and the fact that I’m capable of doing it to someone I love speaks volumes of how shitty a human being I am,” Hunnigan said ruefully.
“You helped me and believed in me against all odds. You helped me through a suicide attempt, through depression, through PTSD, you’ve forgiven me so many times over so many terrible things, you’ve always supported me, fuck, you married me just so I could keep going to therapy”—
“Well, not ‘just’ so you could continue seeing Doctor Wilkes, I also really wanted to marry you,” Hunnigan interjected and Helena smiled.
“My point is, these are not the kinds of things a selfish person would do.”
“Sure they are. I didn’t want to lose you because it would hurt me if you weren’t here. Ergo, I have to do things to make sure you’re not going to go anywhere.”“What, like chain me to a radiator and tell me it’s for my own good?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.
“Well, not literally but yeah, sort of.”“Asking me to sacrifice myself for the sole purpose of your happiness would be selfish. What we have is far from that,” Helena said, and Hunnigan nodded a little, sighing deeply as she turned to stare at the floor.
“I’m just”—
“Ingrid.”
“Yes?” Hunnigan looked up.“I love you, and none of what you said will ever change that. When it comes to keeping me close, be as selfish as you want to be because I selfishly want you to keep me near, okay?”
“I can do that,” Hunnigan said, offering Helena a watery smile, and Helena put her hand on the back of Hunnigan’s neck, gently pulling her into a soft, long kiss.“There’s something I gotta show you,” Hunnigan said after slowly breaking the kiss, her hands still clasped over Helena’s wrists as the younger woman held Hunnigan’s face in the cups of her palms.
“All right?”“Ada left it for you. It’s...a letter.”
“A letter? For me? Why?” Helena frowned, and when Hunnigan gestured toward the couch, silently inviting her to take a seat, Helena began to feel uneasy. Whatever the letter was about, it was beginning to seem it was unpleasant.
Hunnigan pulled the folded paper from her pocket and took a seat next to Helena who accepted the letter. She unfolded the water- and blood stained paper which at first seemed to be nothing more than a copy of some technical report, graphs and diagrams printed on it. Then she looked at the other side. On it, written over printed text, was a message for her, in large familiar handwriting.
To my dear sister Helena,
I'm sorry I was never the good sister I should have been, even though you loved me unconditionally.
I'm sorry for everything. They injected me with something. It's making me forget things, who I am. Who you are even. I don't want that. Please know that I've always loved you, too. I don't want to leave you hope you find someone to love you dont want forget love you
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena lay in the middle of twisted metal, smoke, dust, and flames surrounding her. The edges of her vision were rippling with darkness, making it difficult to make out where she was, the black vignette obscuring most of her field of vision."Trist," Maxima said, shaking her head as she leaned directly over Helena. She tried to speak, to move, but she couldn't. It was as if she were trapped in her body, conscious but unable to control it."Ikke vær lei deg, " Maxima smiled, and as she did, the flesh of her mouth tore, the surface of her lower lip breaking into open wounds that oozed something black before tearing completely, the pieces landing on Helena's face.Her head lolled to the side and she saw Jane walking around her, slight limp noticeable in her step. She bent down and picked up several arms and legs, and began carrying them toward the fire. She threw them in, the flames crackling and humming loudly as they were fed, the somewhat sweet smell of cooking meat filling the air. As she came back to pick up more pieces, Helena noticed she was falling apart too, strips of flesh and black ooze dripping into the sand like overcooked meat crumbling off the bone. “I gave you an order, corporal.” “He’s just a kid,” Helena argued, and Jane knelt beside her, a strip of darkened tissue tearing off the side of her neck and falling on the ground, a wet squelching sound accompanying it. Jane’s fingers dug into the back of Helena’s head and she balled her hand into a fist, gripping a handful of Helena’s hair, yanking on it to force Helena to look over to the crumbling building that was on fire. “They use them! We take them in to treat their injuries only to find out the kid is wearing a bomb, you know this, Harper. They don’t deserve your pity or remorse,” Jane snarled and let go of Helena’s hair so abruptly her head hit the ground hard. Before Helena had a chance to speak again, Jane stepped to stand in front of her."I shouldn't, I'm a vegetarian, but I can't help it," she said and pointed at her mouth. For a moment Helena assumed Jane would eat her, but instead, Jane bit down on her own tongue, the white of her teeth disappearing into the red tissue, blood smearing over the unnaturally white bone that chewed through the tongue.
She then bit into her forearm, another mouth opening into it where there should've been a wound. This continued until she had chewed through her body, transforming it into a mess of bloody mouths. Then, simultaneously, the teeth exploded outward from all of them, the gummy, thin-lipped orifices laughing as they decomposed with the rest of Jane's body, dissolving into a mess the sand absorbed.The environment shifted, Helena was no longer in a desert, instead she found herself back at the cabin where she and Hunnigan had gotten snowed in together. For a brief moment, she felt somewhat comforted by that, but the feeling didn’t last. Not even when Hunnigan knelt beside her, lifted Helena toward herself and held her against her chest.
“I wish I had breastmilk so I could feed you,” she said, her hands sinking into Helena’s hair as she held her, and before Helena had a chance to question Hunnigan’s words, she let go of Helena, dropping her onto the floor with a loud thud. She walked a little ways away and jumped up onto a stage that was set up in the back of the room. It made no sense, there wasn’t supposed to be a stage there, that was where the couch should’ve been.Hunnigan took a seat on a stool, one foot resting on the narrow bar between the stool's legs as she played the guitar propped up in her lap, providing music to Deborah who had appeared out of nowhere and now stood a few paces away from Hunnigan, illuminated by a beam of light that had no source. She sang to the tune Hunnigan was playing." Now we're so young, but we're probably gonna die. It's so fun, we're so good at selling lies. We look so good and we never even try, get your money from a trust fund, do it all the time. "Helena focused her glance on Hunnigan and noticed she was also deteriorating, the pickguard sticky with blood seeping from her fingertips, the strings squeaking loudly as she moved her fingers along the guitar’s neck, the tissue slowly fragmenting away, leaving behind only the bones clicking against the ebony fretboard.When Helena looked back at Deborah, she saw Kassandra Good standing behind her. She reached her arm over Deborah’s shoulder to hold up her index finger in front of Helena’s face, the limb extending unnaturally to reach Helena on the ground. She wiggled it slowly from left to right and back, shaking her head slowly in the same rhythm. She then pulled her arm back, put her finger over her lips and silently hushed Helena.“I said, oh, yes, sir, but my name is Lee, and I murdered little-Sadie in the first degree,” Hunnigan sang in the background, the skin on her shoulder rippling for a moment before the broken humerus burst through it, sticking out grotesquely, but she kept playing the song as if nothing was wrong. Good reached in her direction, grabbed the bone and yanked it out, causing Hunnigan to shatter, as if the splintered humerus had been the only thing keeping her together. She then held it up for Helena to see, and somewhere along the way, it had transformed from a bone to a nightstick, one of Good’s favorite tools for violating her victims. “You know where this goes,” Good said, a wide smile on her lips as she held up the nightstick that was now dripping with thick gore that was rusty and black in its color.
She stood behind Deborah who was in the middle of the stage, naked, her skin gray and glistening in the spotlight, her eyes now an unnatural shade of pale yellow, the pupils gone. The fingers of Good’s free hand dug violently into the soft tissue of Deborah’s breast, sinking beneath the skin, blood squirting from the punctures, streams of red running up along Good’s fingers and over her wrist before dripping down onto the ground, and she slowly brought the hand holding the nightstick down.
“No, let her go! Not my sister! Please, I’ll do anything! Please! Please, don’t hurt her!”
Good didn’t have the chance to say or do anything more before an arm appeared from behind her, wrapped around her chest and held her still as the other arm dragged a familiar looking dagger across her throat, tearing open the skin and allowing the blood to flow in a generous stream; or it should have been blood, what Helena saw was more of that black, tar-like substance everyone here seemed to be oozing. Good’s head lolled back, stretching the wound further until it looked like her head was hanging on by a mere strip of flesh, then her entire body collapsed onto the floor with a loud, wet thud.
Hawke stood behind her, the stained blade in her hand, her face covered in the moldy substance from the nose down, the goop originating from the wound across her face. She smiled and brought her free hand over to her face, pressing her index finger against her lips to silently tell Helena to keep quiet. Then she walked off the stage, her movements awkward and stiff, unnatural even. Helena realized this was because Hawke had strings growing out of her arms, legs, her head, and her back. No, not strings, barbed wire, and as Helena followed their path up with her gaze, she saw the ends of the wires were tightly wrapped around the puppeteer’s fingers, namely, Hunnigan’s fingers.
The puppeteer who wore Hunnigan’s face but who also wasn’t Hunnigan (Helena couldn’t say how or why she knew that, she just did, this was not Ingrid Hunnigan) leaned forward, her body stretching down from whatever perch it was stationed on, and Helena felt herself being picked up, the darkness punctured by a warm glow emanating from the not-Hunnigan. She whispered as she held Helena’s face in the cups of her hands, and Helena felt an overwhelming flood of solace and comfort engulf her.
“I am your God; long may I reign.”
Helena woke up to find Charlie had gone ahead and turned the lights on in the bedroom before climbing onto the bed and settling to rest on Helena’s midsection, gently poking at her arm with his nose to try and wake her calmly.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, good boy,” Helena whispered to him and sat up, wiping a generous amount of sweat from her neck and chest.
“What are you doing?” Hunnigan mumbled, still asleep, but frowning a little as she turned around to face Helena.“Nothing, go back to sleep,” Helena said softly. “Charlie, turn the lights off. Go ahead, boy, turn them off,” she then said to Charlie in a stage whisper and he did as he was told before returning to the bed. Helena quietly praised him and rewarded him with gentle pets before settling back down.
“What’s wrong?” Hunnigan asked sleepily.“Everything’s okay,” Helena assured her. Her side of the bed felt uncomfortably damp, her sweat having soaked through the sheet and seeped into the mattress.“Come here,” Hunnigan said, and she didn’t have to say it twice; Helena pressed her body against Hunnigan’s, her head resting on Hunnigan’s bicep, tucked underneath Hunnigan’s chin as she put her hand on the back of Helena’s head and wrapped the other around her midsection.
She didn’t think she’d ever told Hunnigan how much she loved it when Hunnigan held her like this. It wasn’t just the closeness, it was the little detail of feeling Hunnigan’s hand on the back of her head, and the other on the small of her back; the warmth emanating from her hands making Helena feel safe, even more so than one might expect from such a small gesture.“What’s wrong?” Hunnigan asked again, and only then Helena realized she’d begun to sob, uncontrollably, and much to her annoyance, rather loudly. Or perhaps it was the perfect silence in the room that made even a whisper as loud as a scream.
“I’m sorry I woke you,” Helena apologized, not explaining herself. Instead, she sniffed, wiped her eyes and swallowed hard, pushing the urge to weep away.“It’s okay, I was supposed to get up in a bit anyway,” Hunnigan yawned against the top of Helena’s head.
“I’m gonna go make breakfast, what are you in the mood for?” Helena asked and was already about to get up when Hunnigan tightened her grip on her.“ Staaaph,” she groaned and gently pulled Helena back. “I don’t even think we have anything good, we didn’t go shopping yesterday.”
“What, you’re too good for plain oatmeal?” Helena teased.“Yes, that is where I draw the line. I want exotic berries and expensive...goat yogurt or something,” Hunnigan played along.
“I could go to the store, it opens at six, and I gotta walk Charlie anyway,” Helena said, the Amstaff’s ears perking up at the mention of his name and one of his favorite words, his tail beginning to sway from side to side giving away his excitement.
“Are you trying to run away before I bug you into telling me what’s the matter?”“Whaaat? No,” Helena scoffed as she sat up, her tone of voice making it obvious that was exactly what was happening.
“Babe...come on,” Hunnigan sighed in exasperation as she turned to lay on her back, her eyes still closed.
“You know, if anyone else called me that...”“Sorry, I’ll try to stop, I don’t even know why I’ve started saying it, it just slips out.”“No, I don’t want you to stop, I was gonna say I like it when you do it. I’m surprised by how much I like it, in fact,” Helena corrected.“Was it something else I said or did that’s wrong?” Hunnigan asked, determined not to let this go.“It was just a bad dream, nothing you should be worrying about,” Helena assured quietly. Well, a bad dream apart from the very last moment before I woke, she added mentally.“Okay...but if you want to talk about it...I want to hear it,” Hunnigan said.“I want you to go back to sleep while Charlie and I take a trip to the grocery store, and get some breakfast going,” Helena said, leaned down and kissed Hunnigan’s lips softly.“I think I can manage that,” Hunnigan smiled into the kiss.
Helena went through her usual morning routine, and got dressed in her running gear, deciding to go for a run while she was at it. She tied her hair back, put on her worn and torn baseball cap, and dressed Charlie in his vest that identified him as a service dog before heading out.
When she returned about an hour later, Hunnigan had left the bedroom, dashing Helena’s plans of serving her breakfast in bed. Helena had to stop and stare for a moment, though. She’d known Hunnigan did yoga, but she’d never actually witnessed it before.
“Helloooo nurse!” Helena said, and Hunnigan chuckled.“You know, I never showed you the cartoon that’s from, did I?” she said as she switched positions, the generous view Helena’d had of her butt now gone.“Hey, I know enough to use it right, that’s all I need,” Helena said, took off her shoes and jacket, and went to the kitchen to unpack the groceries, Charlie following her after a quick detour to nuzzle and sniff at Hunnigan to say hello. When she was done, she stood by the door and leaned into the frame, looking over to the living room.“Are you just gonna stand there and stare the whole time?” Hunnigan asked.“Probably.”“You’re welcome to join me.”“You know I don’t do yoga, I lift weights, how about you join me in doing that?” Helena teased.“I could, I used to do it with Major all the time.”“Really?” Helena asked, and she could actually feel the expression on her face change from a smirk to surprise.“Yeah, he used to go to the gym religiously. I guess he still does. I’d go with him a couple of times a week,” Hunnigan said and sat down, placing the soles of her feet together.
“Why don’t you ever come with me?”“I don’t know. I guess it never occurred to me. And, well, don’t take this the wrong way but you seem like the type of a person who prefers to workout alone.”“Well...you’re not wrong,” Helena admitted. “But I will join you for some stretching,” she then said and walked over.“Sounds good,” Hunnigan smiled.
“What time do you have to be at the office?” Helena asked, grabbing her toes and leaning forward.“I’m not gonna go in until nine, so we’ve got a couple of hours.”“You know, we should start getting up earlier so we’d have more days like this when we have time to have a proper breakfast together.”“Speak for yourself, I’m already up at five most days,” Hunnigan huffed with a grin.
“Well then you gotta start going to work later,” Helena reasoned.“Oh, yeah?” Hunnigan asked as they ended up facing each other, both leaning forward in their respective stretches.“Oh, yeah,” Helena confirmed with a nod.“Hm,” Hunnigan smiled, and quirked her eyebrow a little, and out of nowhere, Helena felt her heart skip a beat and swell as she looked at Hunnigan, feeling like she was falling in love with her all over again.Hunnigan could be such a smartass, she could be a bit smug and a bit arrogant at times, but more than that, she was tall, dark, and gorgeous but didn’t act like it, she was talented in more ways than Helena could keep track of, she was smart but not braggy about it, she called her mother once a week even though they famously didn’t get along, and she was fucking funny. Simply put, she was the most incredible woman Helena had ever met. And she’s my wife! she thought, really needing to occasionally just remind herself of the fact because it seemed so alien to her that anyone would marry her, let alone someone like Hunnigan.
Unsure what came over her, but unable to stop herself, Helena moved forward, practically tackling Hunnigan onto the floor, the thick yoga mat underneath them not doing much to soften the impact on Helena’s elbows as she landed on them, but she didn’t care. Hunnigan didn’t have a chance to question her before she kissed her hard, her hand cupping the side of Hunnigan’s face as she wrapped her arms over Helena’s shoulders, and her legs around her waist.
“Oh, God, I love you so much,” Helena mumbled against Hunnigan’s lips.“I love you too,” Hunnigan managed a response before Helena kissed her again, then trailed her lips to the side of Hunnigan’s neck, and over to the clavicle easily accessible thanks to the semi-low cut neckline of the tanktop Hunnigan wore.
And now what? You’re gonna disappoint her, Harper. You’re useless, you can’t even—God damn it all to hell, no, don’t you fucking start, shut the hell up!
But the thought was already there, shutting everything down, replacing the pleasant warmth of the budding arousal with a cold and hollow sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.“I’m...” Helena mumbled into the spot between Hunnigan’s neck and shoulder.
You’re what? What?! You’re pathetic!
“Sorry,” Helena muttered. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated and moved back, sitting up.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Hunnigan said and sat up as well.
“I shouldn’t have...” Helena shook her head and sighed.
You shouldn’t start what you can’t finish, you fucking tease.
“Everything’s okay,” Hunnigan said, taking Helena’s hands into her own.“I don’t know why I did that, I’m sorry.”“Oh, it’s probably just all my irresistible pheromones, I’m a little sweaty and we’ve already established you like it when I stink,” Hunnigan jested.“Yes, I am barely resisting the urge to stick my nose into your armpit and take a deep breath,” Helena played along and Hunnigan chuckled.“Jokes aside and for the record, you don’t need a reason, I don’t mind, you can do that any time you want,” she smiled. “And by ‘that’ I mean the making out, not sticking your nose into my armpit,” she then elaborated.“It doesn’t bother you that I don’t...you know, finish it?” Helena frowned.“This again?” Hunnigan sighed and stood up. “It seems to me you’re disappointed every time I tell you I’m not bothered. Either that, or then you’re the one who is bothered by this,” she suggested and held out her hand.
“Huh,” Helena breathed and took Hunnigan’s hand, allowing herself to be pulled up. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”“I just don’t understand, why am I like this?” Helena asked, her hands on her hips as she paced back and forth in front of the comfortable chair she usually sat in. In front of it was a small coffee table, an elegant wooden tissue box cover placed on it, set slightly closer to the patient’s side of the table than the doctor’s, her seat across the other, a bit further from the coffee table.“Actually, no, that’s not the right question, I think we all know perfectly well why I am like this, I don’t even know what I’m trying to figure out here,” Helena scoffed, shaking her head.
“Well...what exactly is bothering you about what happened?” Doctor Wilkes asked, and Helena could tell from the look on her face that she really wanted to ask her to sit down. Sighing, Helena did that, letting her hands limply slap against the armrests of the chair as she slumped back.“That I initiated it despite knowing I would not be able to follow through. It’s unfair.”“But Hunnigan has told you she doesn’t mind, right?”“Yes, but it still bothers me, why would I do that?”“I’d guess you did it because you wanted sex.”“Yeah but my whole thing is that I don’t want sex,” Helena scoffed.“And it bothers you to realize that maybe you do?” Doctor Wilkes suggested and Helena opened her mouth to respond but realized only then she had nothing to say.
“Now, full disclosure, I am not a sex therapist, and as such I am not completely qualified to assist in matters regarding it, but I know some I can refer you to if”— Wilkes began to say, but Helena interrupted her.“What, and start this whole shitshow again with another shrink? No thank you,” she disagreed.
It had been difficult enough to manage establishing the relationship she had with Wilkes, and the only reason Helena was still here was because she actually liked Wilkes; she didn’t want to start shopping for another psychiatrist, God only knew how long it might take to find someone she would feel even remotely comfortable with. Not to mention she had serious doubts the DSO health insurance covered sex therapy.
“So...my next question would be why does it bother you to realize that maybe you do want sex?”
“Wanting sex makes me feel like a hypocrite,” Helena finally answered after taking a very long moment to think about it.“Why?”“Because I have spent such a long time actively hating sex and anything related to it, I’m generally disgusted by it, and frankly, I think a little less of people who go around and fuck strangers just because they feel like it. And now it’s like I’m sinking to their level.”“Wanting to have sex with your wife is not what I would call the same as having casual sex with strangers,” Doctor Wilkes pointed out slowly, and Helena sighed.“Yes, I know, but you get my point.”“Have you always hated sex or is that something you began to feel only after being assaulted?”Helena, again, almost answered immediately but stopped then when she realized she wasn’t entirely sure. Now that she thought about it, she hadn’t been a fan of sex or anything relating to it since she’d been old enough to understand it. Part of it came from Frances whose drunken lectures about the punishments God inflicted upon promiscuous girls had been unfortunately rather convincing; even if Helena had abandoned the strict Catholic rules Frances had raised her with, some of the things were not as easy to forget or let go of. She still wouldn’t eat meat on Fridays during lent, and went to confession at least once a year, and she had no idea why she did those things, other than out of habit.The other part of it stemmed from high school, because of course it did, was there anyone who had attended high school that hadn’t been traumatized by something happening there? And of course, in Helena’s case as in countless many others’, the cause of trauma had been a group of mean girls and their mean boyfriends. Girls who had at first tried getting under her skin by calling her a lesbian, not realizing Helena wouldn’t take it as an insult. Why would she, it was just a fact, she was a lesbian, and rather proud of it, frankly.When that hadn’t worked, they’d changed their tactic to the classic scheme of pretending to be friendly with her only to make her a laughing stock later. Only, their version of it had been to have someone pretend to be interested in Helena and string her along for shits and giggles, the whole sorry charade ending with someone ensuring Helena “accidentally” happened to walk by a car in which the girl she had begun developing feelings for was giving a handjob to her boyfriend.
“What a funny prank, huh? But that was high school, and I refuse to be lame enough to blame my problems on high school bullshit,” Helena said, and Doctor Wilkes smiled.“I’m more inclined to believe the source of your internalized shame is your grandmother’s influence during your upbringing. Considering her religious fanaticism, I don’t believe she reacted well to you being a lesbian.”“You can say that again,” Helena chortled. “You know...sometimes I think she hoped I would get raped in the army. Everyone knows what the odds of that happening to women in the military are, I think she was counting on some soldier boy coming along to fix me with his dick.”“Sadly, corrective rape is rather commonly encouraged by homophobic parental figures,” the doctor said ruefully.
“How fucking ironic is it that my rapist was a woman and I’m still a huge fuckin’ dyke?” Helena laughed. She then put up her middle fingers and held them toward the ceiling.“Suck it, Fran—no wait, what am I doing, wrong direction,” she said and turned to give the floor the middle fingers. “Suck it, Frances!”“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh,” Doctor Wilkes said, pressing the back of her hand against her mouth as she leaned back in her chair, silently chuckling.“I’d rather you did, because I thought I was being very funny,” Helena smiled.
“So...” Doctor Wilkes continued after a moment, “what I’m thinking is that you grew to hate the idea of having to have sex with a man because that was what you were being pressured into by Frances. And after what happened with Sergeant Good, and perhaps to some extent due to your trust being broken by the girl in high school, it became clear that women weren’t as ‘safe’ either even though you’re at least attracted to them.”“Well, yeah, I guess. That’s another thing I hate, I hate how vulnerable sex makes you. I can’t tell you how many times Deborah came home with bruises on her neck just because her boyfriend of the week had decided it would be ‘erotic’ to choke her during sex, and of course he didn’t ask if she was okay with it. And at that point, what are you gonna do, politely ask him to stop? I told her to choke him back and ask him if he still felt it was erotic,” Helena scoffed, bouncing her leg agitatedly before having to stand up and pace once more.
“I just, I hate everything about it, and now I’m mad at myself for apparently not being any better than all the other fucking cumbrains out there,” she ranted.
“But why is it important to you to not want sex? You said it makes you feel like a hypocrite but unless you have launched a very public anti-sex-campaign, where would be the harm in changing your mind about it?” Doctor Wilkes asked.
“Because I feel that by hating it and abstaining from it, I’ll somehow erase what was done to me. I know it’s stupid and doesn’t make any sense, but it’s how I feel.”“It’s not stupid, I can see some logic behind it,” Doctor Wilkes said, and Helena glanced at her.
“Well? Tell me, because I have no idea.”“Your rapist told you that you were asking for the things she did to you, that you had wanted them. And now you find yourself wanting something that was used to hurt and humiliate you, but the way you’ve been conditioned to react to sex triggers your urge to fight it because you’re expecting a negative experience. In a way, sex goes against your nature, so to speak.”“You got that right,” Helena sighed and sat back down. “But why the hell now all of a sudden? I mean, it’s not like I haven’t wanted to...I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never actually done anything like what I did this morning, I don’t understand why I did that. And it scares me because I lost control for a while there, and I didn’t like that, that’s never a good thing.”“Well, you did say you’d had a significant conversation with Hunnigan about things that required a lot of trust,” Doctor Wilkes said, and Helena nodded.She hadn’t mentioned all the details of what they’d spoken of, mainly because she knew Wilkes was obligated to inform the authorities if she was made aware of crimes, and while it wasn’t like Hunnigan had outright confessed to murder (as far as Helena knew), it went without saying the conversation had been confidential, and sharing the details with Wilkes wouldn’t serve anyone. But she had mentioned they’d had a discussion which had made Helena feel closer to Hunnigan, and that was true.
“Yeah, I just learned that she’s a very powerful woman. I mean, I always knew that, but now it’s like...confirmed. I don’t know. Oh, please don’t tell me I’ve got some underlying weird kink about being dominated by a powerful woman because I don’t think I can handle that, I think I’m fucked up enough as it is,” Helena groaned, and Doctor Wilkes chuckled a little.
“No, no, I don’t think it’s a matter of dominance, I think it’s about security. People in positions of power can also protect you; I don’t think you’re looking to feel dominated by her, you’re looking to feel safe with her.”“...yeah, that tracks. Question is, so what?”“Well, I think realizing she’s someone you can trust and can feel safe with could be what triggered your unusual behavior earlier. That is what you were asking, isn’t it?” Doctor Wilkes asked and Helena nodded slowly, then shrugged one shoulder.“I guess. I still don’t know what to do with it.”“I’d suggest starting by having a conversation about it with your wife.”When Helena got home, she had to stop and inhale the sweet scent of baked goods filling the apartment accompanied by the sound of Seeley laughing that high-pitched, half-shrieking laughter that children often did. After removing her jacket and shoes, and taking the leash off of Charlie, Helena went to see what was happening.“Welcome to the Sugarcube Corner,” Hunnigan smiled. Seeley stood next to her on a step ladder, very carefully mixing flour and other ingredients in a bowl, the countertops occupied by several other bowls that were empty, for now.
“A what now? What are you guys up to? And why is your mouth blue?” Helena inquired.“We are making pony cookies!” Seeley informed her, and Helena wasn’t sure she’d heard it right; the fact that she still had trouble understanding the boy’s words a lot of the time didn’t help. She was beginning to wonder if she ever would learn the Seeley-specific version of English his mother seemed fluent in. She figured it wouldn’t matter, surely he’d grow out of talking like a baby soon enough. Would be hell of a weird thing if he didn’t; Helena internally chuckled at the mental image of Seeley as a tall, broad-shouldered man who still spoke like a toddler.
“Josephine bought Seeley a baking book and some cookie cutters,” Hunnigan began explaining, and the small eye roll she gave with her words silently let Helena know she wasn’t entirely impressed with Josephine’s timing, leading Helena to believe Hunnigan at least was convinced she’d done it just before it was Hunnigan’s week with her son, making it so that it would be Hunnigan’s kitchen that got messed up. “So, we’re making pony-shaped cookies, but they need to be colorful so that’s where food coloring comes in.”“Did you eat blue cookie dough, is that why your mouth is blue?” Helena questioned with a slightly disapproving tone.
“Don’t be ridiculous, as if we’d eat raw cookie dough,” Hunnigan denied with a smirk, the “I know something you don’t”-kind of a giggle emanating from Seeley completely giving away the lie.
“Gimme some of that food coloring, don’t wanna be the odd one out,” Helena said and held out her tongue, and Hunnigan let a few drops of blue fall onto it.“How do I look?” Helena asked after smacking her mouth a few times to spread the color.“Like a million bucks,” Hunnigan chuckled.
“Do you wanna help?” Seeley then asked.“You know, too many cooks spoil the broth.”“There is no broth!” Seeley frowned. “What is broth?” he then asked his mother in a stage whisper, and Helena laughed softly.
“I just mean that I’ll watch, you guys seem to know what you’re doing, and it’s kind of crowded in there,” she said then. Seeley shrugged and went back to stirring the flour while Hunnigan grabbed the first batch of colorful cookies from the oven.“Make yourself useful, put these to the side to cool,” she said and Helena saluted her promptly before getting to work.
As she did that and glanced over to Seeley and Hunnigan chatting as they were working on the next batch of cookies, she felt herself become overwhelmed with a sense of calm warmth. It felt like...family. Safe. Comforting. Feelings and words she had never really expected to find herself feeling, having given up hope on being able to lead a life that had even some resemblance of normalcy.
Yet, here she was, with her wife and stepson, baking cookies like a regular person, the crushing realities of her past, of the darker side of Hunnigan and her actions, of all the things that went on behind the curtains at places like the DSO...faded away. They were temporarily silenced and erased, and for these few precious moments, life was good, calm, and happy.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Sometimes it was easy to forget that occasionally Hunnigan and her team were the only thing standing between now and the end of the world. She’d spent most of her adult life fighting to stop the kinds of people who just wanted to watch the world burn, everything from legitimate mad scientists to terrorists and derailed governments, her job was to stop them, and for the most part, she did a fine job at nipping it in the bud. But when she failed, the consequences were potentially disastrous. But what was worse than failing and immediately seeing the world descend into chaos was knowing she’d fucked up, but not knowing what the consequences would be exactly; or, at least she couldn’t tell what the consequences would be for the world, she had a pretty good idea of what would happen to her personally.
When director Shepard called Hunnigan into his office to discuss some discrepancies that had been brought to his attention, she knew where it would end. She was somewhat curious about how exactly her actions had been brought to the attention of Internal affairs; she didn’t believe for a moment that it was just a random audit, those were always about as “random” as the “random” checks at airports were if your skin tone happened to be anything but a pale shade of eggshell.
When she noticed the shit-eating grin on agent Skylark’s face as she walked through the bullpen toward the director’s office, she realized who was behind it. Of course it was Skylark, who else. Question then remained how did she know now would be the worst possible time to do this to Hunnigan. Perhaps that was merely a coincidence, perhaps it was just a matter of Skylark seizing her opportunity to cause trouble, the timing accidentally impeccable from her point of view.
“What is Skylark accusing me of this time?” Hunnigan asked after closing the door behind her. She took a seat at the chair opposite to Shepard’s desk and crossed one leg over the other, interlaced her fingers and rested her hands in her lap. She appeared as calm as ever, but underneath the dark purple collared shirt she was wearing she could feel droplets of cold sweat running down her ribs.
“Treason,” Shepard replied.
“Go big or go home, huh?”“Do you think this is funny?”
“No, I think this is ridiculous, and I think it’s ridiculous that her personal vendetta against me is being taken seriously.”“Yes, I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable lie to explain everything you’ve been up to recently, but I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Your DSO-issued fake ID was used in Dulvey, Louisiana, as was Jeryn Hawke’s. Helena Harper’s, too, which is incredibly interesting considering she hasn’t worked for the DSO for quite some time. And now you’ve put in a requisition order for a new laptop without running the old one through the tech department to ensure all the data on it is wiped properly, and I asked myself why would you do that. Perhaps your laptop was stolen, but if that were the case, you would’ve reported it. Yet, you have not done that.”“Shepard, I”—
“You must realize how this looks,” he spoke over her, and she was glad he did, because she didn’t really have anything to say. And yes, she realized exactly what it looked like, the intricate designs of the inescapable web Ada Wong had woven around her becoming painfully clear when she looked at her actions and her situation from the point of view of anyone else.
On paper, what she’d done looked a lot like treason. She’d met with questionable people, her laptop was now in their possession (and it didn’t matter that Hunnigan had made it self-destruct, no one could definitely say the data on it hadn’t been accessed with Hunnigan’s permission before that), and if anyone were to look into Hunnigan’s finances, they would see that she had recently received a total of roughly a quarter of a million dollars in small installments deposited onto her account from various untraceable sources. In other words, on the surface it looked like she’d sold DSO secrets to an outside party. And since she had no means of proving that wasn’t what had happened, she was hopelessly stuck.She had to hand it to Ada, she’d scripted and directed her little play perfectly, and Hunnigan had in her arrogance stupidly presumed she could not be outsmarted by the likes of Ada Wong, and that arrogance had become her downfall as she’d played her part without even stopping to question it. All this also served as a warranty of sorts; if Hunnigan didn’t stop snooping around Ada’s business, she’d make her life very uncomfortable. Hunnigan supposed it might have been Ada who had somehow planted the idea of directing the Internal affairs agents’ attention to Hunnigan into Skylark’s head.
“Yes, I do. But you know me, you know I would never.”“Yeah, I trust you, and that is the only reason we’re having this conversation. You’re one of the original founders of the DSO, I know you wouldn’t betray the agency, I know it’s your life’s work. But I need you to tell me what the hell you were doing in Dulvey, and why,” Shepard demanded, and Hunnigan sighed.
“I can’t. But I swear to you, if it were something that warranted the DSO’s attention, I wouldn’t keep it from you. As it stands now, however, we have no jurisdiction and we have no evidence because what I had was stolen, along with my laptop. I fucked up, but it wasn’t because I was careless. And it sure as hell wasn’t intentional. I was simply outsmarted,” Hunnigan admitted reluctantly.Shepard inhaled deeply through his nose and let the breath out in an agitated sigh. He rubbed his forehead with his fingers and ran his hand over his face, his stubble making a scratching sound as his palm traveled over it.
“The evidence greatly outweighs your testimony.”
“I know,” Hunnigan agreed in a quiet, defeated tone.“I’m going to open an investigation, but I will handle it personally, in-house, and while I’m pretending to investigate you, you can consider yourself suspended without pay. Don’t make me regret this.”
“...I won’t.”“Good. Now, get the hell out of my office,” he said, and Hunnigan stood and left without another word.Helena had been looking forward to getting home, so much so that she’d been tempted to call the hospital to let them know she wouldn’t be able to volunteer later that day -she hadn’t made the call, but she’d really wanted to. She was in a hurry to get home because she’d gotten some good news and she could barely wait to share it with Hunnigan.
It wasn’t often she had anything good to share, and the past few days she’d been stuck in a depressive state caused by the overwhelming grief and nightmares reading Deborah’s letter had triggered. But it was getting better. The weeds of depression hadn’t managed to take root, not like they had before. She supposed a more accurate way to describe her emotional state would’ve been to say she’d been extremely sad, but not depressed.
She’d been on her not-so-merry way there, noticing the lack of interest toward things she knew should’ve brought her joy but didn’t, but it had gotten turned around before it got worse. Some of the credit belonged to Seeley because having him around had provided the perfect distraction. Also, there was something comforting about how he and Hunnigan interacted. Helena didn’t know what or why, she didn’t want to know, the answer was probably something embarrassingly obvious (like of course she would find comfort in watching a healthy relationship between a mother and her child, uselessly wishing she’d had a mother like that when she’d been growing up) and she didn’t care, what made a difference to her was that witnessing it made her feel better. And when Seeley went out of his way to include her in his activities, she felt like she belonged, like she was a part of the family; it made her happier than she would’ve expected.
When Helena got home, she realized they had guests. She sighed internally, Hunnigan had apparently forgotten to mention it to her. That threw a monkey wrench into Helena’s hopes for a quiet evening.
“Can we just take a moment to appreciate the irony of the fact that the bard in a one-man-band-suit is the only one who didn’t fail the stealth check?” Nolan laughed heartily.
Helena walked into the living room and looked around to see who was there. Nolan sat next to Marisha (who had apparently either never left for L.A. after the gig or had flown back recently) on the couch, Seeley having taken a seat in his uncle’s lap. On the opposite side of the table, Hunnigan sat on the floor, while agent Lace Harding sat at the end of the table behind a decorated wooden screen. The table was covered with a mat that had the texture of molten lava and volcanic rock printed on it, small plastic figures were gathered up behind an actual rock someone had brought in, one of Seeley’s toys standing on the opposite side of it. Helena deduced that the small figures were hiding from the giant Rainbow Dash.Helena waited and watched for a moment as the players rolled colorful dice and Harding dramatically narrated the events of what apparently was an epic battle between the three characters and Rainbow Dash.“Oh, my God, I have a reaction for that. I am appalled, how dare you? I will retort with a four-D-six force damage,” Hunnigan said and rolled the dice.
“Grave clerics get all the best abilities,” Harding commented, shaking her head a little.“Yeah, if I’d just remember to use them,” Hunnigan laughed, did some math and gave Harding a number.
“This is not going well,” Marisha lamented.“Oh, come on now, it’s okay,” Nolan tried to comfort her.
“No, you can’t just say things are okay and then they are okay,” she argued with a smile.“Sure you can, that’s how being in denial works,” Helena commented as she finally entered the room. Hunnigan got up and gave her a quick kiss on the lips, welcoming her home before returning to her spot on the floor.
“What are you guys up to?” Helena asked.
“We’re playing Dungeons&Dragons,” Harding informed her, and Helena nodded before heading into the kitchen.“I’d invite you to join but we’re almost done here since Harding is gonna kill the entire party,” Nolan said.
“Don’t worry about it, I can already tell you it’s not my kind of a thing,” Helena called out over her shoulder as she made herself a couple of sandwiches.
“I’ll talk you into trying it one day, mark my words,” Hunnigan said.
“Suuure,” Helena chuckled and plated her sandwiches. “Okay if I use your office?” she paused to ask from Hunnigan then.“Of course.”“Have fun, nerds,” Helena grinned before heading into Hunnigan’s office. She turned on her laptop and browsed for something to watch while eating. She chuckled softly when she heard her wife’s voice triumphantly yell “Natural twenty!”, whatever that meant; judging from her excitement it was a good thing.Helena had managed to get about halfway through an episode of The Simpsons and just finished her sandwich when she noticed Charlie sharply turned to look toward the door. Helena took her headphones off and heard the loudly thumping footsteps approaching the room. She frowned, wondering what the hell was going on. She felt herself instinctively switch from relaxed to ready for combat when she realized what was happening was that Seeley was running to her, crying, and Helena couldn’t figure out why, what had happened, what had gone wrong so badly in such a short time, what had she missed, how should she react, did she need to protect anyone from something?
She stood up and pulled the door open and knelt down, Seeley ran into her and buried his face into the spot between her neck and shoulder.“What’s wrong, little dude?” Helena asked him, relaxing a little when she saw Hunnigan follow him, a slightly exasperated look on her face. Apparently, whatever had happened wouldn’t require Helena to react as seriously as she might have a few seconds ago.
“We really shouldn’t have used Rainbow Dash in the game,” Hunnigan sighed and explained that Seeley had become upset when his favorite pony had fallen in battle. Seeley let go of Helena and turned around, reached his arms forward and shoved at Hunnigan furiously, making that angry, almost indescribable noise that wasn’t exactly a grunt or a growl, and it wasn’t exactly a scream or a cry either, just a “frustrated and furious child”-noise.
“You’re stupid! Go away!” he told his mother, and Helena found herself once again marveling at Hunnigan’s calmness when comparing this to what Helena’s childhood had been like; had she spoken like that to Frances, she would’ve gotten put through a wall.
“It’s okay, I got it,” Helena said as Seeley went back to her after having made it clear what he thought of his mother right now.
“You sure?” Hunnigan asked, and Helena nodded.
“Yes, go on, you have a princess to rescue from a tower, or whatever it is you nerds do,” Helena smirked. Hunnigan scoffed amusedly, didn’t comment, and headed back into the living room.Frankly, Helena was a bit flattered Seeley had come to her with this, he’d been upset with his mother before and he had tantrums over the dumbest things like any other kid, but usually he just threw himself on the floor and banged his forehead to it while screaming that he wanted his father. Hunnigan typically reacted by sitting next to him and placing her hand between his head and the floor, softening the blows with her palm, her presence either ignored by Seeley or distracting him enough to focus his energy on trying to get rid of his mother’s protective hand rather than potentially injuring himself. He’d never ran to Helena before.“We’re twins, actually, but technically I am,” Hunnigan answered Harding’s question about which one of them was older, her or Nolan.
“I’m the pretty one,” Nolan interjected.“And I’m the one with the big dick,” Hunnigan teased.
“Yeah, well, I don’t make love to a woman with my penis, I make love with my heart and soul, and I have a large heart.”“And a medium penis,” Marisha said, her words followed by hearty laughter from the group.
“You are all terrible, and I love it,” Harding commented in-between wheezing laughter.
Helena pushed the door to the office shut as she sat on the floor, Seeley’s angry sobs slowly beginning to fade away into tiny, watery hiccups. Charlie plopped himself down on the floor next to the boy, gently reaching his head toward him as if to let him know that he was there if the boy needed him, but that he’d give him space if he preferred that.
“Oh, hey, what do you say we check on your drawing from earlier?” Helena then remembered.
Seeley had gotten upset last evening after accidentally spilling black paint over his colorful drawing. After making sure he trusted her with his work, Helena had proceeded to coat the entire drawing with the paint, and after his initial shock, he’d accepted her explanation that it could still be salvaged after the paint dried.
He immediately perked up, apparently having forgotten about the drawing completely until now. He sniffled and nodded his head. Helena went to pick up the drawing from the shelf where she’d put it to dry and brought it over to Hunnigan’s desk (which was still rather empty thanks to being recently flipped by Hunnigan who hadn’t replaced most of the items that had cluttered the surface).
Helena unrolled the leather pouch where she kept her pencils, erasers, sharpeners, pens, and ink (the tools and the pouch had been a Christmas gift from Hunnigan, and Helena regretted she still didn’t spend much time practicing her artistic skills, but occasionally drawing with Seeley was putting her talents to some use at least). She pulled out an empty fountain pen, and put her right arm around Seeley’s midsection to keep him from falling off her lap as she leaned closer to the desk.
Pen in left hand, she began to gently scratch the black acrylic paint off the paper, the scratches revealing Seeley’s colorful oil pastel drawing underneath. Instead of drawing one of the ponies, Helena focused on trying to scratch an outline of an actual horse onto the paper. Drawing anything more complicated than quick sketches from memory was not something Helena excelled at, and the proportions of the animal ended up being a little off, making it look a bit chubby, but Seeley didn’t seem to mind, on the contrary; he appeared rather impressed.“You wanna try?” Helena asked, offering him the pen. He grabbed it enthusiastically and began scratching odd creatures only a kid’s imagination could conjure up.
Or maybe that’s meant to be SpongeBob, Helena mused as she stared at what appeared to be a box that had long narrow arms and legs, big eyes, and a huge toothy mouth; the sight of the odd mouth reminded Helena of the strange dream she’d had a while back, specifically Jane eating herself alive.
Itchy, tasty.
Helena shuddered a little and blinked repeatedly to expel the unpleasant memory. Seeley said something Helena couldn’t quite make out.“What?”
“Drawoccopuss!” he yelled, thinking volume had been the problem, not his pronunciation.“Oh, you want me to draw an octopus?” Helena finally caught up and Seeley nodded. “Should I draw Squidward?” Helena then asked.
“Yah!” Seeley confirmed.“Okay,” Helena chuckled and got to work.
After another half an hour of drawing things with Seeley and things he requested, they were interrupted by Hunnigan who knocked on the door. The game was finished for tonight, and the guests had gone home.“You still upset with me, buddy?” Hunnigan asked and Seeley slowly shook his head. He climbed down from Helena’s lap and went to her, reaching his arms up. Hunnigan picked him up and hugged him to herself, peppering the side of his face with a quick series of tiny kisses.
“Do you want to put your pajamas on now or after you've brushed your teeth?” Hunnigan then asked him, and Helena smiled at the subtle and clever manipulation; the boy would end up with his teeth brushed and in his pajamas either way, but giving him the illusion of choice made him less likely to want to rebel. Helena wondered how long it would work on him.
Seeley said he’d brush his teeth first and Hunnigan went with him to assist with it while Helena began to put her pencils and papers away. She then returned her sandwich plate to the kitchen and took a seat on the couch, Charlie following behind and settling to lay down at her feet.
“Oof,” Hunnigan exhaled deeply as she sat down next to her after managing to get Seeley to sleep.
“How was your day?” Helena asked and put her arm around Hunnigan’s shoulders, pulling her close.“I got suspended,” Hunnigan replied as she rested her head on Helena’s shoulder.
“What? Why?”“Well...it’s partly thanks to Skylark for siccing Internal affairs on me, but mostly it’s Ada’s way of putting me in my place for having the audacity to investigate her,” Hunnigan muttered and told Helena what had happened.
“I just...when I think about Ada and everything she does, I can’t just...she can’t keep getting away with it,” Hunnigan muttered angrily.“...has it occurred to you that there are people saying the same thing about you?”
“What?” Hunnigan scoffed and sat up straight.“Well...I just mean that I bet Skylark’s thinking ‘she can’t keep getting away with it’ about you which is why”—
“I can’t believe you’re defending her of all people.”“I’m not, I’m just saying I can kind of see where she’s coming from, if she genuinely is as clean as you said she is, maybe the way you handle things irks her. That, and the fact that she’s a mean person,” Helena smirked, and Hunnigan snorted.“I guess I see what you mean.”
“Then...leave it alone. Ada’s already demonstrated what she’s capable of, and it sounds to me like the only thing keeping you from being charged with treason is the fact that director Shepard trusts you, for now. Is chasing her worth risking everything?” Helena asked, and Hunnigan let out a defeated exhale.“No, of course it’s not,” she whispered, cupped Helena’s cheek with her hand and leaned her forehead against Helena's.
“Then leave it,” Helena said, pressing a kiss onto Hunnigan’s palm. “Please. I can handle a lot of things but I don’t think I could ever recover from losing you.”“You’re not going to lose anything,” Hunnigan promised and kissed Helena’s lips gently. “So, how was your day?” she then asked.
“Well, as it happens, I had a great day.”“Tell me,” Hunnigan smiled, leaning her elbow onto the backrest of the couch, resting her head against her knuckles.
“My classes are going great, and I finished my cuddler-training”—
“Your what?”
“Cuddler-training. I told you about that. Didn’t I?”“I wanna say no you didn’t so that I won’t come across as an asshole who doesn’t listen, but it could be I forgot,” Hunnigan said.“Or I forgot to tell you. Either way, some volunteers cuddle babies whose parents can't be there all the time, and I was like I wanna do that, so I signed up, and I actually got to cuddle a baby today! Usually there’s a really long waiting list but there was a new baby brought in today and I was conveniently there when she arrived, so I got to cuddle her.”“That sounds really nice.”“It is. Well, at least if you don’t think about why the babies are there. The baby I got to cuddle was born prematurely and her mom’s in prison, so that’s...sad, but cuddling the baby was nice, for me,” Helena said. “But wait, there’s more!
Who has two thumbs, is acing her classes, got to cuddle babies, and landed herself a job? This gal! You are looking at GW hospital’s newest security guard,” she then announced, pointing her thumbs at herself.
“Wow, you weren’t joking, you had a great day, and I’m happy to hear that,” Hunnigan said tenderly, and leaned to kiss Helena gently.Helena smiled into the kiss and wrapped her arms around Hunnigan, settling to lay on the couch with her, moving to rest her head on Hunnigan’s chest. She closed her eyes, listening to Hunnigan’s heartbeat, for once simply allowing herself the happiness, no intrusive dark thoughts overshadowing it and insisting she didn’t deserve happiness; right now it was just her, and she was happy.It was a good day.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena woke up to the sound of the closet door banging shut loudly, and Hunnigan’s voice hissing quiet curse words at the handle slipping from her grasp.“What are you doing?” Helena yawned and looked at the clock. It was barely seven in the morning, and knowing Hunnigan, she’d been up at least an hour, possibly longer. After managing to blink away the sleep from her eyes, Helena realized Hunnigan was fully dressed in a black suit, a white collared shirt underneath it with the collar popped, glasses on her nose (the narrow square ones with the thin black wire frames— Helena personally preferred those on Hunnigan; they suited her better than the tinted ones with the red frames), hair tied neatly back, her trusty black leather messenger bag hanging on her shoulder.
“Where are you going?” Helena amended her question.“Nowhere, I forgot I got suspended, and I got dressed and ready to go just out of muscle memory,” Hunnigan sighed and put her bag down.
“Aw, baby,” Helena offered a rueful smile and got out of bed. “Knowing you, you’re gonna be doing this for weeks to come,” she then smirked and paused to stand in front of Hunnigan.“Probably,” the taller woman sighed, then raised her eyebrow a little when Helena gently pushed the jacket off of Hunnigan’s shoulders and hung it on the back of a chair before proceeding to slowly undo the buttons of her shirt.
Helena knew Hunnigan hardly needed any assistance with that, not since her humerus had healed anyway, but during that time, Helena had grown quite fond of the intimate little moments of undressing Hunnigan, or alternatively, buttoning up her shirt for her.“But...since you don’t have to go anywhere, and since I won’t be going anywhere either until later this afternoon...how about we just go back to bed and schhhnuggle?” Helena suggested and began to work the sterling silver and carbon fiber cufflink out from the buttonhole it was set in.“Oh, you know me, I can never resist a good schhhnuggling,” Hunnigan smiled and undid her hair while Helena removed the remaining cufflink, turned to put them back into the jewelry box on the dresser, and then let her hands slip underneath Hunnigan’s shirt, barely resisting the urge to hum in pleasure at the feel of her skin underneath her palms.“You feel so nice,” Helena said happily as she pressed herself against Hunnigan, her hands roaming over Hunnigan’s stomach and waist. “And you smell delicious,” she added, taking a long, slow inhale.“Sorry, no sweat today,” Hunnigan chuckled and took her glasses off.“This is fine too,” Helena commented, taking another inhale of the scent that had a hint of cinnamon and apple mottled with mandarin, lavender, and sandalwood, and some kind of herbs Helena couldn’t quite place. She’d been meaning to ask Hunnigan what the perfume was (or she could’ve just gone through the bottles), but a part of her liked the mystery, her relationship with it having grown similar to the one she had with the taste of Dr. Pepper; she couldn’t quite tell if it was almond or cherry, or something else, and she didn’t want to look it up because knowing for sure would ruin it.
“And you look...so... hot,” Helena then commented after taking a step back and shamelessly staring at Hunnigan.
Her shirt was untucked and open, the white of it in pleasing contrast against Hunnigan’s skin and the black bra she wore. She wouldn’t have noticed the black belt if it weren’t for the belt buckle that stood out from the black background of her slacks, the shade of the belt of course matching the leather Chelsea boots she wore.
Hunnigan wasn’t one to follow fashion trends, but she knew her way around the little details most people wouldn’t necessarily pay attention to when it came to picking out clothes and accessories, but those who knew, knew. Helena could say with confidence Hunnigan was the only woman she knew who wore cufflinks and would spend over four hundred bucks on a belt buckle that looked like just a simple rectangle (but of course it was sterling silver, again, those who knew, knew, and they would be the ones who would notice and applaud the attention to detail), and she was also the only person Helena knew who looked so fucking good in a suit.
Granted, she looked great in anything, the woman could pull off gray sweatpants and a raggedy T-shirt if necessary and still manage to look regal, but a suit...it was as if Hunnigan was born to wear one. Do I have a clothing fetish? Helena wondered silently for a second, but dismissed it then; it wasn’t about the clothing, it was about the woman wearing them.“Maybe women in suits satisfy your latent heterosexual tendencies,” Hunnigan smirked, and Helena blew a raspberry.“Everybody knows you’re ‘the husband’ in this marriage, you don’t need to be in a suit for that,” she rolled her eyes.
“Wait-wait-wait, are you saying you’re my housewife?”“Well, I mean, I would look great in a polkadot dress and a pearl necklace.”“You know what...no joke, you would look fantastic in a polkadot dress,” Hunnigan said after taking a moment to imagine it.“Plus, I already iron your shirts and do most of the cleaning”—
“I would do more cleaning if you ever left me anything to clean, it’s not my fault you’re a neatfreak,” Hunnigan interjected, and Helena didn’t bother commenting on that. It was mostly true.“...but, for the record, it’s not ‘women’ in suits, it’s you in a suit, especially when you’re a little disheveled, with your hair down and your shirt open, you’re... so damn good,” Helena said, ignoring Hunnigan’s argument.“I’m telling you, it’s the suit, even Skylark would look hot if you put her in a suit.”“And just like that, the magic is gone, my vagina dehydrated, and my point about this not being just about the suit has been proven.”“Are you that shallow?” Hunnigan teased.“Me? No. My vagina, however, she’s very picky, and you need more than a little Armani to get her excited.” I sure do talk dirty a lot for someone who allegedly wants nothing to do with sex, Helena then mused as Hunnigan removed her shoes.
Yeah, well. So what? she then shrugged mentally, and to her surprise, there was no further internal argument over it. She had to pause for a second to just marvel at that, did this mean she was...dare she even think it...beginning to see some results of all the work she’d put into recovering? She dared to hope, allowing herself cautious optimism.
“I respect that,” Hunnigan chuckled.“Besides, you know what they say, you can put lipstick on a pig, and you can put an Armani suit on Skylark, but at the end of the day...” Helena trailed off.“Fair enough, but can we stop talking about her? I'm 35 years old, mother nature is already working on dehydrating my vagina, I can't afford to let thoughts of Skylark add to that," Hunnigan smirked.“Absolutely,” Helena agreed, lowered her hands onto the (overpriced) belt buckle, opened it and then undid the button and zipper of the pants. Wordlessly but with a grin growing in the corner of her mouth, Helena slipped her hands between the fabric and Hunnigan’s skin, pushed the slacks down to Hunnigan’s thighs, running her hands over Hunnigan’s ass as she did. Hunnigan nudged herself free from the pants and stepped out of them once they were on the floor, and Helena tugged on her.
She moved them toward the bed and let herself fall onto her back, pulling Hunnigan with her.
“Hey there,” Hunnigan smiled as she hovered over Helena resting her weight on her arms, her hair cascading over her shoulders and into Helena’s face.
“Hello, my beautiful lovely,” Helena smiled back, gathered Hunnigan’s hair into her hands and pushed it back, holding it in her right hand while sliding the left underneath the shirt, over Hunnigan’s side to caress her back.
“I’m feeling a little underdressed,” Helena then said, glancing down at her Pittsburgh Pirates T-shirt that had once been black but had faded into a light shade of gray ages ago, and her burgundy boxer shorts that were starting to fall apart at the seams but which she loved to sleep in.
“Perhaps I’m overdressed,” Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder and sat up straight, straddling Helena’s waist.“Who exactly do you wear the sexy lingerie underneath your suit for anyway?” Helena jokingly narrowed her eyes at Hunnigan before turning her attention to the elegant bra and the matching briefs. She’d said it before but she was willing to say it again: Hunnigan had great taste in underwear.
“I obviously don’t wear it to the office for anyone there; I wear it for you, for the moment I come home and change into something more comfortable, and you can’t stop staring when I undress,” Hunnigan said and shrugged the shirt off her shoulders.
“You’d...noticed that?” Helena asked awkwardly.
“Oh, honey, you’re not anywhere near as subtle as you think you are,” Hunnigan laughed softly as she reached to toss the shirt onto the chair her jacket was already on.“Oh, my God,” Helena breathed, “so you’ve been doing it since I first moved in? And...you’ve been aware of my staring since the beginning,” she muttered, feeling her face starting to turn red from embarrassment.“What, you think I undress slowly and all seductively when you’re not looking?” Hunnigan smirked. “But, by my calculations we’ve got about three months before we hit the sixth month of our relationship which is when the honeymoon-period ends and we can stop making an effort, so enjoy this while it lasts, it’ll be beige granny panties from February onward,” she then said, gesturing at herself, and Helena laughed.“I love you, Ingrid, even in beige granny panties,” she sighed happily.
“I love you too,” Hunnigan responded with a smile and was about to move off of Helena, but Helena put her hand on Hunnigan’s waist and stopped her.“Whoa, you can’t tell me to enjoy something and then take it away five seconds later,” she complained and Hunnigan rolled her eyes a little, still smiling.
“All right, stare to your heart’s content,” she sighed in mock exasperation, straightened her back and put her hands on her hips as she remained straddling Helena.
“Hold on, let me switch to fullscreen-mode,” Helena said and used her thumbs and index fingers to push her eyelids as open as she could get them, and Hunnigan threw her head back as she burst out laughing at the younger woman’s antics.
Slowly, their laughter dissolved into a series of quiet giggles that eventually tapered off as they grew more serious, a comfortable silence draping over them as Hunnigan took Helena’s hands into her own, interlacing their fingers, and held on as she simply remained there, looking at Helena looking at her.
For a flash, Helena imagined tugging the underwear aside and just— Calm down, you horny frat boy, ever heard of foreplay? Not an intrusive thought, not this time; for once, it was herself, and realizing that filled Helena with a sense of triumph, perhaps she was finally starting to be rid of some of her demons. She swallowed hard, felt her pulse quicken and her breath grow a little faster as she stared at Hunnigan, her mind several steps ahead from where she was, her body still reluctant to follow and actually do any of the things she imagined despite the opportunity to experience it in real-time being right there.
“Are you okay?” Hunnigan asked softly, running the backs of her fingers over Helena’s cheek gently.
“Yeah,” Helena said after taking a deep breath, needing to swallow hard again. “Just...enjoying the view and thinking,” she offered a small grin.“What are you thinking about?”“Oh, you know, naughty stuff,” Helena exhaled, shrugging one shoulder a little, feeling her face once more grow warmer as she felt a bit embarrassed when she considered having to tell Hunnigan where her mind had gone. “Actually, it occurs to me that I don’t have the slightest idea of what you’d even like,” she then realized, her fingers pausing to awkwardly play with the waistband of Hunnigan’s briefs.
“What are you asking, what would you like to know exactly?” Hunnigan inquired. She then rose to stand on her knees as Helena sat up and scooted back, Hunnigan following her until they were comfortably in the middle of the bed. Helena pulled her legs in until she sat with them crisscrossed, and Hunnigan sat down in her lap, her legs around Helena and her arms over Helena’s shoulders. She leaned into the embrace Helena tightened around her.“Don’t make me say it, you know what I mean,” Helena said quietly against Hunnigan’s shoulder. She closed her eyes and let out a content, soft sigh when Hunnigan raked her fingers through Helena’s hair a few times, then left her palm to rest against the side of Helena’s neck, her thumb gently brushing along the mandible and over Helena’s earlobe.“Do you want me to show you?” she whispered in the other ear and Helena felt her pulse hammering in her throat. She tried to answer but wasn’t sure what she was even trying to say, ending up stammering nonsense for a few seconds before Hunnigan gently interrupted her.“Or I could tell you. Or, maybe a little bit of both,” she suggested, and Helena once again failed to answer, her brain in the middle of having a meltdown, but at least it was the best meltdown she’d had in her life.
“Want to give me a hand with the bra?” Hunnigan said and Helena mumbled something affirmative. She brought her hands up and unfastened the hooks, allowing Hunnigan to slip her arms out of the garment and toss it over her shoulder to the foot of the bed.
Helena took a deep breath through her nose as she stared at the bare breasts, feeling excited and unnerved at the same time. It was silly to feel that way, she supposed, because this wasn’t the first time she’d seen Hunnigan topless —the woman slept naked, for heaven’s sake—, but it was different now. Prior to this, it was what Helena called casual nudity, it was like seeing a friend naked in the locker room at the gym, nothing sexual about it. But this...this was the erotic and intimate kind of naked, and Helena didn’t know what to do with it.“Let’s start with the basics,” Hunnigan said and brought Helena’s hand up and onto her breast, her movement slow and clearly indicating what her intent was, offering Helena plenty of time to stop if she felt uncomfortable.
“I don’t mind a massage, but I do prefer that the nipples are left alone,” she said, pressing her palm over Helena’s hand with a little more pressure, encouraging her to feel the breast. “That said, while I don’t mind, it doesn’t really do anything for me, but if it’s something you want to do because you like it, you can go ahead,” she then elaborated.
“And you already know how I feel about having mine touched,” Helena mumbled a little awkwardly.“I remember,” Hunnigan confirmed quietly and pressed a soft kiss onto Helena’s cheek.
“What else?” Helena whispered.“I like having my stomach touched,” Hunnigan said and Helena slowly lowered her hands there.Hunnigan couldn’t possibly have known, but this was something Helena was already aware of, thanks to Hawke. While Helena didn’t share her friend’s interest and enthusiasm regarding astrology, she’d still practically memorized everything Hawke had written to her about Virgos. According to Hawke, Helena should go right for the middle of Hunnigan’s stomach if she wanted to really turn her on, and spend some time kissing along her waistline. Judging from Hunnigan’s reaction, Helena had to admit Hawke was definitely onto something, but then again, she’d also claimed that based on her zodiac sign, Hunnigan enjoyed dirty talk and had a crazy sex drive, and frankly, that didn’t seem like the Hunnigan Helena knew. Though, Hawke did say it would take a lot before she’d show that side of herself to her partner, so what do I know? Ugh, and why am I thinking about this? Focus, idiot, Helena mentally shook herself before Hunnigan would notice and hit the brakes, assuming Helena needed to stop.She turned her full attention back to what was happening and felt Hunnigan’s abdomen twitch under her hand and added a little more pressure to prevent accidentally tickling Hunnigan. She let her left hand slide down along Hunnigan’s back, tucked her fingertips under the waist of Hunnigan’s briefs and gently tugged on them, bringing them just a little lower and out of the way so that she could focus trailing her fingers over Hunnigan’s waist.
“What else?” she asked again, growing a little bolder, a little more confident hearing Hunnigan’s breath hitch as she touched her.
“Well...if we’re talking about what kind of sex I like, I quite enjoy being penetrated,” Hunnigan said, and Helena involuntarily shuddered at the word ‘penetrated’, the mere mention of it enough to make her cringe, the thought of having something inside her more revolting to her than words could express.
This isn’t about me, this is about what she likes. Pay attention, you self-centered moron, Helena then told herself.
This was also information Helena was aware of already because she’d once or twice needed to remind Hunnigan to get her dildo out of the dishwasher before Seeley would notice it there and start asking questions.“But I’m not into any crazy stuff. Call me boring but I’ll take the missionary position over some weird sexual acrobatics any day. That, and being spooned.”“What else?” Helena repeated once more, her voice barely a whisper anymore.
“Then there’s of course fingering and oral. Love it, and love it, giving and receiving for both. Well, how much I love receiving really depends on the other person, but generally speaking,” Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder a little, her fingertips traveling up along Helena’s back, skittering over the various scars on the skin, her palm then pressing on her shoulder blade as she brought her hand higher. Helena tilted her head back, her eyes closed as Hunnigan stroked the back and the side of Helena’s neck, lightly moving the pad of her thumb in an almost circular movement in the middle of Helena’s throat.“What about you?” Hunnigan asked, her voice low and soft, almost nothing more than an inaudible murmur. “What do you like?” she elaborated, pressing a light kiss onto Helena’s shoulder, trailing her lips up along the side of her neck, barely touching one moment, then with more pressure the next, the surface of her tongue flicking over the spot; not in an unpleasant sloppy way but in an unpredictable, extremely arousing sequence. It took Helena several seconds to even comprehend Hunnigan was waiting for an answer, she was beginning to feel like she would pass out from pleasure just having her neck kissed, she didn’t dare even imagine what would happen if Hunnigan touched her anywhere else.
“I’m—I don’t—oh, God, do that again,” Helena stammered instead of giving a coherent answer, and Hunnigan obliged, letting her teeth graze against Helena’s skin, then sucked on the spot a little; not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough for it to pinch a little and make a wave of goosebumps cascade over Helena’s back and up her scalp.“I don’t really even know what I like. I mean...I like this, a lot,” Helena finally managed an answer.“Well, what do you do when you masturbate?” Hunnigan said against Helena’s skin.“Nothing. I just. You know. The usual,” Helena said a little too quickly and Hunnigan paused.“Helena...you do know how to masturbate, don’t you?” she asked.“What kind of a question is that, of course I do, who doesn’t,” Helena said and scoffed repeatedly to make it extra clear she thought it was ridiculous to suggest she didn’t know how.“Based on everything I’ve read and heard over the years, a staggering amount of women have no idea how to do it, and that’s a shame, honestly,” Hunnigan mused.
“Less talking, more kissing,” Helena said, but Hunnigan just pulled back a little and gave her that warm, patient smile she always did, and as much as Helena loved that smile, she would’ve preferred they just continued because she didn’t want to go into the embarrassing details which would reveal just how ignorant she was of her own damn body.
She groaned and slumped forward, planting the side of her face against Hunnigan’s chest. And we were doing so well, she thought, sighing deeply.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Hunnigan assured, her arm around Helena’s shoulders, her right hand still on the side of Helena’s neck, her thumb gently tracing the contours of the cartilage of Helena’s ear. “I mean, I’ve always been a bit of a wanker, and it took me ‘til my late twenties before I figured out what I really like,” Hunnigan then said and Helena chuckled a little despite herself.
“I could give you a long list of things I don’t like, but you’ve read my trauma-journal, so I assume you already have some idea,” she then muttered.
“I do.”“This is just so awkward,” Helena complained.“Why?”“Well...it just is. I should know these things. I should know how to be with a woman, I am a woman, for heaven’s sake.”“Sex isn’t a ‘one size fits all’-kind of a thing, the fact that I like being penetrated and you grimace just hearing the word kind of proves that, don’t you think?” Hunnigan chuckled and Helena realized she was indeed grimacing.“Point taken,” she said, making a conscious effort to relax her face.
“You don’t have to know anything, and how could you, it’s not like you’ve done this before.”“Uhm, well...I mean...I’m hardly a virgin.”“As far as I’m concerned, yes you are; what happened to you doesn’t count,” Hunnigan said, her voice gentle and stern at the same time, and Helena swallowed hard against the lump beginning to crawl up her throat as she felt herself surprisingly moved by Hunnigan’s words.“It...actually means a lot to me to hear you say that,” she said. She then sat back up, letting her hands rest on Hunnigan’s hips and tilted her head back a little to be able to look at Hunnigan. “So...help me...show me,” she requested in a passionate whisper, and Hunnigan kissed her.
“May I?” she asked, tugging on the edge of Helena’s T-shirt, and Helena nodded, raising her arms so that Hunnigan could pull the shirt off of her. She then just hugged Helena to herself and they remained still like that for a long moment.“It’s all right, we’re gonna take it slow, and if you want to stop, all you have to do is say the word. I promise, you’re safe with me,” Hunnigan said and Helena couldn’t keep from moaning a little at the words, the things she’d discussed with Wilkes about needing to feel secure in order to relax enough to even consider having sex becoming so painfully obvious now it was ridiculous. Then again, shouldn’t feeling safe and emotionally connected with your partner have been the first thing on anyone’s list of things necessary for a sexual relationship? Surely she could not be in the minority with this.
Stop it. Focus, she internally scolded herself again as her mind threatened to wander and ruin what was about to be something wonderful.“Yes,” she breathed out loud then when Hunnigan went back to kissing her neck, gently nudging them a little as she did, and Helena let herself fall onto her back on the bed, her arms wrapped around Hunnigan still as the taller woman now straddled her. She slowly began to make her way downward, leaving a trail of kisses and soft bites from the side of Helena’s neck to her collarbones, toward the sternum, carefully avoiding touching Helena’s breasts, skipping that area and instead pressing her lips onto Helena’s ribs, following the path of scars dotting Helena’s lower abdomen.
This time, instead of verbally asking for permission, Hunnigan curled her fingers under the waistband of Helena’s underwear, and Helena raised her hips off the mattress, allowing Hunnigan to pull them off of her legs, and as she did, Helena became aware of just how wet she’d gotten when she felt the fabric stick to her skin as Hunnigan pulled the boxer briefs off. Judging from the quiet noise Helena heard Hunnigan make —that very soft and so very quiet smack of one’s tongue and lips when they open their mouth quickly to take in a surprised breath—she noticed it too, and Helena felt a bit awkward at first, then a bit excited about having managed to get that reaction from Hunnigan.
Hunnigan shifted on the bed slightly and slipped her own underwear off, dropping them onto the floor. Moving back to her original position, she then placed her leg between Helena’s, her knee lightly pushing against the now slick and swollen labia, the bare implication of pressure somehow providing a pleasing sensation of release and adding to the heavenly ache at the same time. Helena felt her hips move as if they had a mind of their own, the demanding need for more pressure between her legs too much to ignore. She knew it was clumsy and awkward, but for the first time probably ever, she didn’t care; she wasn’t embarrassed, she just wanted more. Of what exactly, she couldn’t say, not for certain, she didn’t know what would do the trick, she just needed.... more. Hunnigan let Helena grind against her for as long as it took for it to become obvious that Helena was prolonging it only because she had no idea how to continue from there.
“Ingrid...” she said in a frustrated groan when Hunnigan moved to lay beside her, taking away the only thing that had been providing any semblance of release.“Do you trust me?” Hunnigan asked, nuzzling into the side of Helena’s neck as her hand rested on the younger woman’s abdomen that were undulating in sync with her quickened breaths.“With my life,” Helena responded without a pause and Hunnigan moved her hand lower slowly, once again taking the time to make her intentions clear and give Helena a chance to stop her if she felt it necessary.
She paused to circle Helena’s navel with her fingertips before moving further down, stopping to play with the coarse hair between Helena’s legs— trimmed, but never shaved, as she considered a shaven vulva to look about as appealing as an uncooked chicken breast did, and when they’d had a brief discussion about it, she’d been glad to hear Hunnigan shared her sentiment.
Concentrate, Helena told herself again, refocusing on what was happening much easier now thanks to the overwhelming need still burning inside her, growing white hot the longer Hunnigan kept teasing her, the slender and nimble fingers skating on the edges of where exactly Helena needed to be touched but intentionally avoiding making direct contact.
And then it happened: Helena impatiently raised her hips just a little, the movement causing Hunnigan’s middle-and index fingers to easily glide between the slippery lips, the digits accidentally brushing against Helena’s hard and swollen clit, causing her to suck in a sharp breath. Helena felt her entire body twitch when Hunnigan massaged a gentle but firm circle over Helena’s clit, her pace calm but no longer teasing, instead adjusting to the rhythm at which Helena’s hips moved. It felt amazing, but even that wasn’t it, she still needed something more, and not knowing what it was or how to tell Hunnigan that frustrated her.
“When you masturbate, are you on your back or on your stomach?” Hunnigan then asked, Helena assuming her frustration had become obvious.
“I, um...I’m usually on my stomach,” she answered.
“Turn around,” Hunnigan then instructed and Helena did so, grabbed a pillow and tucked it under her chin as Hunnigan straddled her ass and leaned forward, resting her weight on her left arm, bringing the other between Helena’s body and the mattress, her hand finding its place between Helena’s legs.
“That’s it,” Helena gasped when Hunnigan pressed her fingers over her clit and began to rub against it, the rhythm now faster as Helena set the pace, moving her hips almost frantically as she ground against Hunnigan’s hand. Helena moaned into the pillow at the feel of Hunnigan’s body pressed against her own, her breasts against Helena’s shoulder blades, her lips on the side of Helena’s neck, the sound and feel of breath on her skin. It was amazing and it was almost too much, it was overwhelming but in the best possible way.
“I love you,” Hunnigan whispered, and then, for the first time in her life, Helena Harper had an orgasm that wasn’t laced with pain and humiliation, and amounted to much more than just the hollow result of quickly and bitterly rubbing one out while feeling disgusted with herself for even wanting it in the first place; she had an orgasm the way they were meant to be had, and it was every bit as wonderful as it was in all the stories she’d read never really truly believing such things were possible outside the ridiculous love scenes depicted in romance novels. But, here she was, out of breath, shivering, sweating, feeling her body tense up and then relax in a way it hadn’t really before, feeling a bit dazed and out of it.Hunnigan remained in her spot, her fingers still working between Helena’s legs, only now with less pressure, stroking at a much slower pace until the contractions tapered off. She then moved to lay on her side on the bed and Helena turned around, still catching her breath.
“Oh, my God,” was all she managed to say, her lips and throat dry from all the panting.
“Your pupils are so dilated right now,” Hunnigan commented with a gentle laugh, and Helena let out an amused scoff.“Yeah, that makes sense, because I feel so fucking high right now,” she said. At least, she assumed this was what it felt like, she’d never actually been high so she couldn’t say for sure.
“I need water,” Helena then said after a couple of minutes of recovering and slowly sat up. “Do you want anything?” she asked Hunnigan who requested a glass of water too. Helena made her way to the kitchen with slightly wobbly legs, hurrying a little because she didn’t want to get caught naked by Seeley, who hopefully was still fast asleep in his room.
I can’t believe that just happened, Helena thought as she let the tap run for a moment, waiting for the water to get cold, a giddy little grin growing on her lips when she took a moment to internally have a teen girl-type of a happy freakout when she considered the fact that Ingrid Del Rey had just made love to her, the mere thought causing yet another twitch of arousal travel through her lower abdomen.
She blew out a breath and filled two tall glasses with water before heading back to the bedroom.
“What’s that smell?” she frowned when she noticed the scent upon entering the room. Some of it was the sweet remnants of Hunnigan’s perfume, the rest—Helena couldn’t put her finger on it but she realized what it was the moment she’d finished asking.“I don’t smell anything, but if I had to guess...” Hunnigan began as she lay on her back on the bed, her hand resting against her chin. “...I’d say it’s the smell of sex,” she said, and inhaled deeply after moving her fingers under her nose.“Are you seriously smelling your fingers right now?” Helena grimaced and sat on the bed.“Oh, so you’re allowed to smell my armpits but I’m not allowed to smell my fingers after sex?” Hunnigan quirked an eyebrow.“That’s different,” Helena argued.“How?” Hunnigan chuckled.“It just is,” Helena said. “Wash your hands or I won’t give you any water,” she then threatened playfully, and Hunnigan responded by shamelessly sticking the tips of her fingers into her mouth, proceeding to suck on them before pulling them out with a loud smack.
“That can not be hygienic,” Helena finally managed after several seconds of stunned silence.“Not the point, babe,” Hunnigan laughed, grabbed the glass of water and drank it.
“You know...it occurs to me I didn’t return the favor,” Helena then said once they’d finished rehydrating, the empty glasses now on the nightstand.
“I figured you’d have your hands full recovering from your own orgasm, so the first one’s on the house,” Hunnigan smiled.“Now you sound like a drug dealer.”“Well, I did get you high, didn’t I?”“Yes, and now I want to get you high,” Helena said and moved on top of Hunnigan.
“Far be it from me to deny you the pleasure of doing that,” Hunnigan said softly when Helena kissed along her jawline, moved to the side of her neck and kept going further down, over the exquisite collarbones, over her chest and between her breasts, taking a moment to press gentle kisses to the sides of them but not stopping there for long since she’d already been told having her breasts touched didn’t really do much anything for Hunnigan. Helena knew a better spot to turn her attention to anyway, and lowered herself on the bed until she was able to kiss the area right in the middle of Hunnigan’s stomach. For this, she was rewarded with a pleased gasp and a slight arc of Hunnigan’s back.
She focused there for a good while, her hands caressing their way up and down along the outer sides of Hunnigan’s thighs and all the way over to her buttocks which Helena eagerly grabbed and squeezed at Hunnigan’s request. Finally, Helena pushed herself lower and off the bed so that she stood on her knees at the foot of it.
“Hey, whoa!” Hunnigan yelped, then laughed when Helena gripped the backs of her knees and pulled her toward the edge of the bed, the blanket and sheets dragging with her, pooling on the floor, becoming a comfortable cushion for Helena’s knees. She gently propped Hunnigan’s legs over her shoulders and gripped the other woman’s waist in her hands as she leaned forward and pressed her lips against Hunnigan, exhaling a content, deep sigh when she realized this felt...just right, like this was where she should be, like she could spend days between Hunnigan’s legs, just letting her tongue and lips explore, figuring out exactly what Hunnigan liked, how to best please her.
She brought her hand down, used her fingers to gently part the labia, giving her better access to Hunnigan’s clit and allowing an abundant amount of thick liquid to slowly glide outward. Helena reached her head forward and captured the moisture onto her tongue, the act causing Hunnigan to inhale sharply.
Helena gripped Hunnigan’s waist again, then flattened her tongue against her clit, this experience, too, beautifully wonderful in how different it was from Helena’s past experiences. There were no demanding fingers painfully digging under her jawline and in her hair, and none of the stale smells and tastes she was used to.
There was only Hunnigan, with her legs over Helena’s shoulders, her heels pressed against Helena’s back, but not painfully so, her hands gripping Helena’s wrists, her fingers then finding their way between Helena’s as she moved them to hold the other woman’s hands. To Helena’s surprise, she didn’t really have much of a flavor. There was a hint of acidity but that wasn’t so much a flavor as it was just a sensation on Helena’s tongue. The rest was just...her, it was the woman she loved and worshipped, there was no other way to describe it.Helena was almost disappointed her fun was about to come to an end when she noticed Hunnigan was nearing her peak. Then again, who said they had to stop at one?
I love you so much, Ingrid, she thought, not stopping to say it out loud as her mouth was occupied bringing Hunnigan to a climax, the taller woman breathlessly repeating Helena’s name as her body tensed up, then shuddered when she came.
A few minutes later, Helena was still at the foot of the bed, her head now resting against the inner side of Hunnigan’s left thigh, her fingers playing with the damp dark hair between Hunnigan's legs.“You ever gonna come up for air?” Hunnigan asked with amusement after a good while.“No, I’m good here,” Helena smiled.“What are you even doing down there?”“Admiring you. You’re so pretty,” Helena sighed and Hunnigan laughed.“You give the strangest but the most flattering compliments sometimes,” she said and sat up, resting her hand on Helena’s head, stroking her hair as she remained still in her spot. Hunnigan allowed it for a few more moments before leaning down to kiss Helena’s temple.“Come to bed,” she said and Helena reluctantly moved from what she’d now decided was her favorite spot in the world.
“I think we might have time for a quick nap before Seeley wakes up,” Hunnigan then said, and Helena lay next to her, settling into the sweetheart’s cradle Hunnigan offered, and closed her eyes when Hunnigan pressed a soft kiss onto her forehead.“Thank you,” Helena whispered, hugging Hunnigan a little tighter, and she squeezed back.“For what?”
“...for showing me it doesn’t have to hurt.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
From: [email
protected]
To: [email
protected]
Subject: Mold
So here’s the gist of it.
The mold appears to be based on a form of cordyceps that is generally used to suppress the immune system during organ transplants, meaning it can spread throughout the central nervous system so fast that the immune system doesn't have a chance to form an effective resistance before the body succumbs to the disease.
To stop it, you need to train your immune system to attack the infection, and to do that, you need to give it something similar to practice on (might be easier/preferable to use HLA markers rather than a strain of the actual disease). Unfortunately, each strain of the mold is modified to be unique to prevent this exact thing from happening, mass producing a cure or a vaccine that would shield from all the variations is difficult if not impossible entirely.
There is nothing more I, or the DSO can do at this point. I recommend sharing our findings with the WHO and the CDC, and working with them and the BSAA to find a way to counter this if there is another outbreak. The email was dated over three weeks ago, Hunnigan hadn’t had a chance to check her inbox since she’d been locked out from her email on her phone, and the agency hadn’t issued her a new laptop to take home, and while her presence at the office was allowed, it was frowned upon. Today, however, she did have an appointment with Shepard, one she’d insisted on, not one he’d called her to in order to let her know he’d let her come back to work. He hadn’t said anything at all, and Hunnigan wasn’t sure how to interpret his silence.
While at the agency, Hunnigan had made a detour to her office to use the desktop to check her DSO-email, and set up an out-of-office-reply, letting people know they should call her if they wanted to discuss something. Shepard hadn’t taken her encrypted phone away, allowing agency business to be conducted via phone if necessary, she took that as a good sign. Then again, it could very well be that he just forgot about it.
It was like him to forget to cancel someone’s thousand dollar phone subscription, Hunnigan would know, she was the one who had to constantly handle things like that for him, especially when it was time to review agency costs. Yes, it was a job better suited for his personal assistant, or anyone else, really, but it had become painfully clear that no one else seemed to give two shits about the little things that would pile up and end up costing the DSO.
Days like this, Hunnigan was tempted to just let it all go hell, see just how well they would do without her, that would show them. But, her immature bravado deflated rather quickly because the disappointing truth was, they would do just fine. Shepard wasn’t wrong when he’d told her she was just as easily replaced as anyone else if she started being more trouble than she was worth. The minor details regarding the agency’s finances wouldn’t amount to anything significant one way or another, Leon’s minibar-expenses were higher than what Hunnigan saved the agency by paying attention to the little things. “There’s that Ingrid Hunnigan-brand of arrogance”, Shepard said that one time. Same thing my mother accuses me of being. Is it funny or sad that it is my arrogance that has kept me from realizing just how arrogant I truly can be? Hunnigan wondered silently as she made her way to the director’s office.
He offered her coffee, and when she declined, he asked if she wanted something stronger, and him thinking she needed a drink to get through this, or needing one himself to get through this was not something Hunnigan took as a good sign.
“I spent a lot of time just reading your reports until it was pointed out to me that I’m wasting my time because obviously you’re smart enough to not write down whenever you do things that are borderline illegal,” Shepard said, leaning forward in his chair.“Is that why the investigation is taking so long, you wasted time reading my reports?” Hunnigan asked and he scoffed.
“I stopped looking at your reports, and started looking at everyone else’s, and what I found was...an overall lack of discipline, a lack of investigative competence, a lack of leadership under your command. I’m seeing a lot of failure...and failure is not something I would normally associate with you, Ingrid,” he said, leaning to his forearms, and for an uncomfortably long moment of silence, he and Hunnigan just stared at each other. Hunnigan avoided looking into his blue eyes; instead she stared at the spot between his eyebrows, a little trick that made the other person think you were responding to their gaze when you weren’t.“Care to elaborate?” she asked, and he sighed deeply.“You have repeatedly failed to keep Kennedy in check. Helena Harper, an agent you vetted, was an accessory in President Benford’s death. You omitted details regarding Harper’s mental health and Kennedy’s substance abuse from your reports, putting other agents in jeopardy by allowing one mentally unstable agent and one inebriated agent to operate on the field. Mister Patel died in your custody after infecting agent Hawke, neither of those things should’ve ever happened, but they did, and all we’re left with is substandard investigative outcomes,” Shepard listed and stood up, turning to look out the window behind his desk. He reached his arms back, clasping his wrist in his hand.“But you know what the thing is?” he asked, turning to look at Hunnigan over his shoulder.
“I do not,” Hunnigan replied honestly, and he turned to face her once more.“The thing is I know you are better than that, which leads me to only one conclusion,” he said, and Hunnigan frowned as she waited for him to tell her. She couldn’t decide if he was enjoying this or if he was stalling because he didn’t want to do this either, but regardless, he took his time to sit back down, dig into his desk drawer to pull out a bottle and pour himself a drink. He held the bottle up, silently asking if she wanted him to pour her a drink too, and she declined the offer with a shake of her head.“And what is that conclusion?” she asked instead. He downed his drink and put the glass down.“That it’s intentional. An agent of your caliber doesn’t make mistakes like this by accident. Certainly not this frequently. I have yet to determine what exactly was your involvement in some of the DSO’s equipment being used without permission, and some of it going missing,” he said, and Hunnigan barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes.He knew what her role was; she’d used the DSO’s satellite to track Helena, Hawke, and Ada in Dulvey, and she’d had her laptop and the relevant data stolen by Ada. What he was trying to determine was whether or not she could actually be charged with anything, because as far as evidence went, there was no way to confirm or deny anything.There were no pictures or video of what she’d looked at using the satellite, merely a log letting anyone know the satellite had been repositioned. If you looked through it now, Hunnigan assumed you wouldn’t see anything anymore, at least if the EPA had done its job and cleared the bayou. Or if the tanker was still there, that was all there was to see, just a wreckage. Shepard could personally go check it out, Hunnigan supposed, or he could send in an agent, but they wouldn’t find anything new, and they certainly wouldn’t find anything relating to Hunnigan directly. As for Hunnigan’s stolen laptop, well, proving she’d given it away would be just as impossible as proving she hadn’t.“You know, I have been wondering about something, and the longer I look at your track record, the more I wonder.”
“What’s that?” Hunnigan asked.“With your skills, you could be deputy director, but for some reason you’re still only the head of Field Operations Support. Why is that?”
“I’m getting whiplash here, John; first you call me a massive failure, then you tell me you think I should be deputy director, which is it?”“You’ll recall I said I think your failures are intentional and superficial. Which relates to what I’m wondering about, why are you just an FOS agent?”
“Are you offering to promote me? Because that would complete the emotional rollercoaster ride I’m on because of this,” Hunnigan said, and Shepard smirked.“If I offered, I know you wouldn’t accept.”It was true, she preferred being an FOS agent. She liked the action. She wanted to see the results of her work in practice, not as words and numbers in a report. She wanted to have a chance to make a difference, she wanted to help if she could. When there was an active operation, she could do something in real time; give tactical advice, offer alternative ways to approach something. Being the deputy director or anything above her current position would render her bored and leave her stuck reading reports of events rather than seeing them unfold.
“What I’m wondering is why. Anyone else would jump at the higher pay grade alone,” Shepard said.
“I personally don’t think it’s worth having to wear high heels to work every day,” Hunnigan shrugged.“And I think it’s because you don’t want to be seen. As the head of FOS, you’re just powerful enough to do the things you do, but also invisible enough for no one to notice unless they are specifically looking,” Shepard said, and Hunnigan didn’t have an argument to that because he was right. Hell, he wouldn’t be looking at her now either if it weren’t for one persistent asshole-agent who had decided to do everything in her power to complicate Hunnigan’s professional life.“If you’re going to fire me, just do it already,” Hunnigan growled.“What I’m trying to decide now goes way beyond simply firing you, I’m trying to decide should I just wait for the dust to settle and reinstate you after, or should I hand you over to Internal affairs, let them decide if they want to give you to the department of justice,” Shepard said sharply. “And before you speak again, I want you to think your words over very carefully, and I want you to remember that any other agent would’ve been tried for treason and jailed over less than what you’ve done recently.”“I haven’t forgotten,” Hunnigan muttered.
“Good. As for the rest, consider yourself suspended indefinitely, I will get back to you when I have decided what to do with you. Now, is there anything else, or can I get back to work?”Helena threw a frisbee, and Charlie and Grunt both scampered after it, their claws leaving grooves on the ground. Charlie was the nimble one, but he was also the smaller one, leaving Grunt to be the one to easily capture the flying object. Charlie grabbed onto it while it was in Grunt’s mouth and they tugged it back and forth for a moment before Grunt let Charlie have it and return it to Helena, who threw it again.
“You know, sometimes I think you have the right idea,” Helena said.
“Handcuffs, whipped cream, always be on top?” Hawke asked, and Helena laughed.
“No, I meant not caring so much about the big picture.”“When did I say I don’t care?” Hawke frowned as she leaned down and gripped the frisbee with both hands, shaking it left and right playfully as both Charlie and Grunt pulled on it, both of them working together to pry it from her hands.“In Dulvey, you said you don’t bother obsessing over the details of your missions,” Helena reminded her.“Oh, yeah,” Hawke said and let go of the frisbee, leaving Charlie and Grunt to wrestle over it with each other. “I take it Hunnigan isn’t handling her suspension well,” she then said and took a seat on the bench behind them, Helena joining her as their dogs played together.
“It took her almost two weeks to stop getting dressed for work in the morning,” Helena said, and Hawke laughed. Helena didn’t mention the part where she enjoyed taking her time undressing Hunnigan after it happened.
They hadn’t made love since the first time, and Helena wasn’t sure how to react to that because she had no frame of reference. On one hand, she was thrilled they’d managed to finally take their relationship to that level. On the other hand, she wondered what the expectations were for the future. Should she wait for Hunnigan to say or do something? Should Helena do something, could she even do something; just because she’d managed to focus once and had indeed enjoyed the sex didn’t mean she was magically cured from her aversion to it.The Internet had not been any help, the things said over there ranging from people saying they only had sex once a year to those who thought it was completely reasonable to dump someone if they refused to have sex with you at least three times a week. In hindsight, she figured it had been stupid of her to expect to find answers online, the overall average would hardly apply to her and Hunnigan anyway. Not to mention she knew better, she knew she should just talk to Hunnigan if she wanted to know something. It was just that...it was still kind of awkward and difficult to bring up.“She’s been obsessing over it. I mean, it makes sense. She helped build the agency, she’s dedicated most of her adult life to it, and now it’s been taken away from her. She tries to hide it, but I know she’s devastated,” Helena said.“And you’re stuck trying to solve the riddle of what went down in Louisiana because you feel that’s the only way you can help her, but you can’t really do anything because there is no intel, no leads, no nothing, and you don’t even work for the DSO anymore,” Hawke said, and Helena arched an eyebrow.“That’s too good for a guess.”“I may have been thinking about it myself, you know, when I’m not distracted by handcuffs and whipped cream,” Hawke admitted with a grin. “Maybe you should try those to distract Hunnigan,” she then suggested, and instead of coming up with a witty quip to respond, she blushed. That did not go unnoticed by Hawke.“Oh, my God. Oh, my God!” she gasped.
“What?” Helena frowned.“Don’t ‘what’ me, you know exactly what. Dish!”
“All right, all right, Hunnigan and I have...consummated our marriage.”“Oh, wow, so romantic,” Hawke drawled sarcastically.
“What do you want me to say? We had sex. The end.”“I want you to tell me the details! Did you take video? I have Hunnigan pegged as someone who would record herself having sex but for educational reasons, she’d watch her performance and see how she could improve,” Hawke said and Helena rolled her eyes at her.
Oh, hey, maybe she’s onto something. Maybe the reason you haven’t fucked since is because you were so bad at it Hunnigan doesn’t want to waste her time going for another round, Sergeant Good suggested in the back of Helena’s mind. Helena reacted by blinking in surprise at that because she realized it had never even occurred to her that perhaps that could be it. Now that she thought about it, it kind of made sense.
Hunnigan was confident, she knew what she wanted and could say it too, and she also knew what she was doing. Then there was Helena, who barely knew how to masturbate, and whose only previous experience of pleasing another person sexually was limited to what she had been forced to do, and while Sergeant Good had seemed to enjoy it, it was probably pleasure brought on by the depraved thrill she got from abusing her power, not so much a reaction to what Helena had actually been doing.But, then again and at the same time, no, it didn’t make sense. Hunnigan wasn’t the type who wouldn’t tell Helena what she was doing wrong; she’d bring it up and correct her, teach her to do it right instead.“We had sex, I enjoyed it very much and I assume Hunnigan did too, no video was taken, and that’s all the details I’m willing to share,” Helena told Hawke.
“Fine, keep your secrets.”“Oh, I will.”
“So, how’s your own work doing? What’s it like being a security guard at a hospital?” Hawke changed the subject.“It varies a lot,” Helena said.
There were days when all she needed to do was open doors, help move corpses to the freezers, and talk down someone whose final straw was the vending machine failing to deliver. At times it took some effort to remember that the people doing things like screaming at the nurses and spitting at Helena were only behaving that way because they were scared, because the only reason they were at the hospital in the first place was because they were having the worst day of their life.
Then there were the days when it was chaos; big accidents, big events that escalated into situations where people got hurt; sometimes all it took was a full moon. Helena didn’t think she’d ever been exposed to this much foul language and bodily fluids before in her life, and that was saying something considering her history.
“But the weird thing is, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I mean, sure, I could do without someone flinging a literal bag of shit at me, but overall, I get to help people, and I love doing that.”
“I don’t know how you do it, I would bolt long before anyone even threw shit at me,” Hawke shook her head.“Yeah, I guess it’s one of those jobs you really gotta have a calling for to want to do it,” Helena chuckled.
“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, buddy. And I definitely expect free check-ups when you’re a doctor,” Hawke smirked.“I’m not gonna be a doctor.”
“I expect a regular breast exam regardless,” Hawke stated.“You should ask Leon for one of those, I’m sure he’d be happy to provide,” Helena laughed.“Yeah, but I have a feeling he’d want me to check his balls for lumps in return, and I don’t wanna,” Hawke shook her head. “But, why not go all the way and be a doctor?” she then returned them to the subject, the first few words of her sentence confusing Helena for a moment when she thought Hawke was saying she saw no reason not to go all the way with Leon.
“Because med school takes a lot of time, and more importantly, it takes a lot of money, I don’t really have either, but especially not money.”“If only rich people became doctors, we’d all be dead from the lack of empathy alone, so I don’t think it’s a profession reserved only to those who can afford to pay their tuition out of pocket just like that...meaning there’s a way to work and study at the same time. Plus, you know, one spouse putting the other through school isn’t unheard of,” Hawke trailed off, and Helena shook her head.“I know, and I know Hunnigan would throw money at me if I even hinted at it, but I don’t want her to.”
“If she can afford it, why not?”“I don’t know if she can afford it, I just know she’d do it. But either way, I don’t want her to.”
“Well, that’s a shame.”“What do you mean?”“You said it yourself, you gotta have a calling for that kind of work to be able to do it well, and you seem to not only have that but you’re also good at it, so it’s a shame to have all that go to waste just because you’re too proud to let your wife financially support you a couple of years while you put yourself through med school,” Hawke said, raising her eyebrows innocently.“I know what you’re doing and it’s not working.”
“I’m not doing anything, I am just mourning the loss of potential free medical care from my friend who would make an excellent doctor.”“And it’s not just for a couple of years, it would be more like ten years before I’d even be a qualified doctor,” Helena added.
“So...you have looked into it enough to know that much,” Hawke smirked, and Helena sighed in defeat.
“I don’t want to be a doctor, I played with the idea of becoming a nurse-midwife, but I’d need a degree in nursing and some licenses, and even if I got into accelerated programs, we’re talking about seven years at least,” Helena muttered.Truth told, she still didn’t have a clear idea of what she wanted to do exactly. Looking at her history, the amount of obvious indecision was rather embarrassing. Army, cop, Secret Service, DSO...aside from her career in the military, all of her jobs had been so temporary it looked rather bad on paper, to be honest. And now she was a security guard, studying to become an EMT, but even now the idea of being one was beginning to seem less and less like what she actually wanted to do. She’d gone from that to considering working as an emergency room technician after realizing she could do that with the same education. Then she’d finished her cuddler training, and during that the subject of nurse-midwifery had come up, and she’d been interested based on what she’d been told. After seeing the requirements for that particular profession, however, she’d quickly taken it off her “What I want to be when I grow up”-list.
“Midwifery, huh?” Hawke commented.
“Well, there’s more to it than delivering babies, but yeah.”“I didn’t realize you liked babies.”
“Who doesn’t like babies?”“I don’t.”
“Why not? It’s just a tiny human being, what did it ever do to you?” Helena quirked an eyebrow.“It’s not like I hate babies, I just don’t want to be anywhere near them or touch them. All they do is shit and piss and whine and puke, who needs that?” Hawke shuddered.
“The babies do, humans are intellectually superior only because being a helpless baby for so long gives the brain time to develop.”“I prefer the way birds do it. When the mama-bird decides you’re old enough, you’re kicked out of the nest. Good luck, hope you can fly, but even if you can’t, you’re on your own.”
“Yeah, and I think there’s a reason we call dumb people ‘birdbrain’, might have something to do with that,” Helena commented.“Still. And just for the record, I don’t like babies but I don’t like many adults either, so it’s just people in general that are the problem,” Hawke laughed. “So, since you like them so much, are you and Hunnigan gonna have babies?” she then asked, and her question made Helena pause for a long moment.
“We haven’t talked about that. We haven’t been together for more than a few months, it’s a little early to be discussing things like that.”“On the contrary, you should talk stuff like that out immediately, otherwise you’ll spend a decade with someone who doesn’t even like babies let alone want them.”
“Well, seeing as Hunnigan has a kid of her own, I assume the risk of learning she actually doesn’t like children is very low.”“Maybe, but I imagine it’s different when it’s your own kid,” Hawke shrugged one shoulder, and once more her words gave Helena pause.
The only reason Hunnigan had a kid was because she’d gotten herself knocked up, after which her mother had pressured her into keeping the baby. For all Helena knew, Hawke was right, maybe Hunnigan didn’t like children, maybe she just liked Seeley because he was her own.
“Well, either way, I can’t really answer your question, I gotta talk with Hunnigan about it first,” Helena finally said.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”
“Since when?” Helena smirked.
“That’s fair,” Hawke laughed.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Helena got home, she found Hunnigan on the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest as she lay down. Helena wasn’t sure how it was even possible to tell exactly, but the only way she could describe what she saw was to say Hunnigan lay down grumpily, because there was something incredibly agitated about her demeanor, even when she didn’t do anything. It was probably partly Helena’s sixth sense about these things alerting her to the fact that something was wrong. That sense had been developed and fine-tuned very carefully by the majority of her life spent walking on eggshells around an alcoholic who was prone to violent outbursts.
“Hey. What are you watching?” Helena asked after unleashing Charlie and removing her shoes and jacket.
“I don’t know, one of those cooking competitions,” Hunnigan muttered.
“You okay?” Helena asked and took a seat on the couch as Hunnigan moved her legs to make room, then decided to sit up instead.
“Not really,” she sighed and turned around so that she could rest her head in Helena’s lap.
“You wanna talk about it?” Helena asked, resting her hand against the top of Hunnigan’s head, using her thumb to massage a gentle circle on Hunnigan’s temple.
“Not really,” she said again.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not really,” Hunnigan repeated for the third time, a small chuckle accompanying the words as she grew amused by offering the same response once more.
“All right. Is it okay if I sit here with you and watch fumbling chefs singe their eyebrows, or would you prefer being alone?”“No, I want you with me, I missed you, I haven’t seen you since last night when we went to bed,” Hunnigan said, took Helena’s free hand into her own, and held it against her chest. “We don’t have to watch this, you can change the channel if you want to,” she then added.
“Nah, I don’t really care what’s on, it’s just background noise,” Helena shrugged.
“How was your day?” Hunnigan asked.
“Well, um...I got bit by a meth addict, but other than that my day was rather uneventful.”
“Why did they bite you?”“Don’t worry, he wasn’t a zombie, and he bit mostly just my sleeve, I didn’t even get a bruise. I guess he just didn’t appreciate being held down after he took a swing at a doctor.”Hunnigan suddenly began to laugh softly, and Helena frowned, then inquired what was so funny.“Just your luck to run into a meth addict who still has teeth.”
“You’re right, that is so my luck,” Helena agreed with a chuckle. “Hey, um...there’s something I wanna talk to you about,” she then said after a little pause.“Oh, same, I’ve been meaning to ask you what you want to do for Thanksgiving. Seeley is gonna spend this year’s holidays with Major and his family, so it can be just us if you want. Or, we could always go to New York if you insist on hanging out with my parents, Nolan, and Marisha.”“I think I’ve had enough of New York for a while. I mean, everything in the world is there and it’s interesting but it’s also...so noisy and big, I don’t understand how anyone can live there,” Helena chuckled. “And, frankly, I don’t care about Thanksgiving. If anyone asks, I tell them it’s because I think it’s atrocious to celebrate the genocide of the Native American tribes. Saying that makes me sound smarter than saying it’s really because Thanksgiving to me usually just meant having to dig mashed potatoes out from my grandma’s nostrils so she wouldn’t choke after passing out face first in her frozen turkey dinner,” she then smirked.
“You could start your own tradition for the holidays, one that involves less passing out drunk and more...family fun and enjoying good food,” Hunnigan suggested.
“I don’t have any living relatives, remember? That I know of anyway.”“Family doesn’t always mean blood-relatives.”
“What about the whole blood is thicker than water-thing then?” Helena smirked and Hunnigan sat up.“Actually,” she began, holding her index finger pointed at the ceiling, “that saying means exactly the opposite of what people think it means. The complete version of the saying goes something along the lines of the blood of the covenant being thicker than the water of the womb, meaning you’re more bonded to the people you’ve chosen as your family versus the people who you are related to by birth.”“Have I ever told you how much I love the fact that you just know shit like that off the top of your head?” Helena said, and Hunnigan smiled.
“My point being, if you want, we could just hang out with friends.”“It would really have to be just your friends because Hawke excluded, I don’t have any, and when I asked about her plans for the holiday, she said, and I quote ‘Bitch, I’m English’, so I guess she’s not big on Thanksgiving. It’s kind of moot anyway seeing as I have already agreed to be at work for Thanksgiving.”“Oh,” Hunnigan muttered.
“Is that a problem?”“Well, no, because I didn’t want to plan anything, but at the same time, I would’ve appreciated it if you’d told me earlier, you know, as a courtesy.”
“I’m just kinda used to my comings and goings having little to no impact on other people’s lives. I genuinely forgot that it might matter, and I’ve already agreed to work that day, so...I messed up, and I apologize, I’ll try to remember that apparently I matter nowadays,” Helena said with a lopsided smile.“I forgive you, and I get it, but yes, you do need to start remembering that you matter, because you really do, you mean the world to me.”
“I’ll work on trying to remember that in the future. And for the record, likewise,” Helena smiled.“Was that what you wanted to talk about?” Hunnigan asked before taking a moment to also apologize for having interrupted Helena earlier.
“Uh, no, it’s nothing holiday-related, it’s something that came up when I was talking with Hawke earlier.”“Which is?”
“We got to talking about babies and she asked if you and I had any plans of having kids, and I realized we never discussed it,” Helena said.“Ah,” was all Hunnigan commented, and after a long, semi-awkward pause, Helena spoke again.
“...so, I was kind of wondering if we could talk about it now? As in, do you want kids?”“Do you?” Hunnigan asked back, and Helena could easily tell she was trying to win time to come up with a justification or reasonable argument. She didn’t know which side Hunnigan would be debating, though, but that was what made her realize the answer to the question Hunnigan had thrown back at her.
The crushing feeling of her heart imploding in her chest with disappointment she felt when she contemplated the possibility of Hunnigan saying no was telling, and ultimately it was that which made Helena realize she did in fact want a baby. That said, she wasn’t sure if Hunnigan saying no would be a dealbreaker, because if she had to choose between her marriage and having a child, at the very moment she was willing to choose her marriage. Of course, that would run the risk of her growing resentful over time, but she supposed that was a risk she’d have to take. If Hunnigan said no, that was.“Well, that’s...not an easy question to answer.”
“I know,” Hunnigan said.“I didn’t think I would. But, I also didn’t think I’d ever meet someone I’d want to raise a child with. I’m not...” Helena trailed off and sighed. “You know the type of women who grow up playing house and taking care of dolls like they’re babies, and have picked out names for their future children by the time they’re fourteen?”“Yes, my mother and grandmother tried very hard grooming me into becoming one of those women. It didn’t work.”“Deborah was one of those women. She knew for a hard cold fact that she wanted kids. And I was like, awesome, I’ll be the cool aunt. And I feel that way about Seeley, like I’m the cool aunt-figure...not that I compare to cool aunt-Marisha, but...” Helena trailed off with a grin, and Hunnigan smiled. “My point is, I don’t really consider myself a parent to him.”“Well, honey, you’ve only known him for a little while, excuse my boldness, but I’m relatively certain that over time you’ll learn to love him like he was your own.”
“That’s not an issue, I already do love him, he’s a great kid, but...” Helena shrugged one shoulder.“But it’s like renting something versus owning something, it’s not the same. Okay, that was an incredibly clumsy metaphor, but I presume you know what I mean,” Hunnigan chuckled uncomfortably, and Helena nodded.“Yeah. I never really thought I would have kids, because I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone I’d have them with. But then I met you, and I started thinking that...maybe? But at the same time, I’m considering my general indecisiveness about a lot of things, like my future career, and...” Helena sighed, making a “I give up”-gesture with her hands and shrugged once more.“So, you’re saying that you don’t know.”“I am saying I do and I don’t. Right now? Yes, I want a baby,” Helena said, and the subtle bob of Hunnigan’s throat as she swallowed hard at the words didn’t go unnoticed by her. “Ask me again tomorrow and I will tell you I think it’s a terrible idea because what kind of a parent would I be, regardless of what I’ll end up doing for a living, for the next few years I will be busy with school and work. Ask me again later and I will tell you that I’d figure it out, we’d make it work, and it might be difficult at times but still I also really want to have a chance to”— Helena interrupted herself and sighed deeply again, shaking her head.“Well...” Hunnigan began slowly and reached to take Helena’s hands into her own. “I did think about the subject a little, back when you joked about calling dibs on the breast milk the next time I got pregnant.”“Oh, God, I’d hoped you’d forgotten about that,” Helena groaned and slumped to the side, burying her face into the backrest of the couch.
“And, truthfully, there won’t be a next time for me,” Hunnigan continued, and Helena remained still in her spot, thankful that her face was still pressed against the couch because she didn’t want Hunnigan to see the obvious look of disappointment Helena could physically feel taking over her face.“Okay,” she mumbled into the cushion.
“There won’t be a next time because I will never put myself through the harrowing experience of being pregnant again.”“I get it, you don’t need to explain,” Helena said and sat up straight.
“I think I do, because what I’m saying is that just because I refuse to go through it personally, I’m not saying no to the concept. I’m just saying that if you want a baby, you will have to carry it yourself.”“I was thinking of adoption, to be honest. I might not even be able to get pregnant. At least not the simple way.”
“Oh?” Hunnigan raised her eyebrows, and Helena sighed. Yet another conversation they had never had because there hadn’t been an obvious reason to. She wondered how many there’d end up being.
It was weird. She felt like she’d known Hunnigan forever, and right now she couldn’t imagine a day without her, but the fact still remained that they hadn’t been together for very long, and before that they’d only known each other professionally and superficially.“Yeah, it turns out that having your cervix violently and repeatedly bruised with foreign objects leaves behind scar tissue which complicates things. Just another thing that Good took fr”— Helena swallowed the rest of the sentence and bit on her lower lip, her mouth twisting into a tight line as she went from being okay to suddenly unable to stop the tears from rising to her eyes. Hunnigan gently pulled her into a hug, and she gladly eased into the embrace.
It was the strangest cry Helena’d had in her life; there were no sobs, just the tears and a sudden feeling of deep sadness. And then it was over, just as quickly as it had started, like she'd just been quickly dipped into a pool of sadness and then pulled out before she actually got sad.“That was weird,” Helena sniffled as she retreated from the hug.
“Maybe those feelings needed airing more than you’d realized,” Hunnigan suggested.“Maybe, I don’t know, I’d never really thought about it, had no need to, didn’t matter,” Helena shrugged and wiped her eyes. “Ugh, I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”“I just feel so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, and everything’s okay,” Hunnigan assured gently, and Helena nodded, a rueful smile on her lips. “As for adopting a baby...I am not against the idea, I just think we should not do it right now?”“Oh, no, no, I didn’t mean right now or anytime very soon either, more like...maybe in the next five years or so we could look into it?” Helena said, the pitch of her voice rising higher and higher toward the end of the sentence.
“That sounds okay to me,” Hunnigan smiled.“Well, good. I’m glad we had this talk, as odd as it was,” Helena said.
“Me too.”“Can I ask you one more thing?”
“You can ask me as many things as you want, my love,” Hunnigan said gently.
“It’s a bit awkward so I’m just gonna blurt it out. Why haven’t we had sex since the first time? Was I...terrible at it or..?” Helena mumbled, twisting her hands in her lap nervously.
“No, no, no, that’s not it at all, it’s kind of the opposite, actually,” Hunnigan hurried to correct her and Helena frowned deeply.“What do you mean?”
“You were very good, with a few adjustments to accommodate my personal preferences, you will be... perfect. But that’s the thing. You’re inexperienced yet at the time, you knew exactly what you were doing, and I got to thinking why you’re so good at it. I may have kinda felt a little bit guilty about enjoying it so much.”“Oh, no. Please, don’t. It’s bad enough that monster ruined sex for me, don’t let her get into your head too.”
“I won’t, it just occurred to me when I was thinking back on it, and I felt bad about it, but then I figured what we have is not even remotely similar to what was done to you, so I’m getting over it.”“Exactly. So...you were thinking back on it?” Helena grinned, and Hunnigan smiled and rolled her eyes a little.
“I think back on it frequently. What do you think I do all day now that I’m suspended and have all the time in the world?”“Wow, you really are a wanker,” Helena teased, and Hunnigan laughed.
"I prefer the term 'masturbation enthusiast', thank you very much," she corrected.“Can I put my head between your legs?” Helena then asked and Hunnigan raised an eyebrow.
“I’m gonna need a little more foreplay than you just politely asking.”“No, I didn’t mean like that, I meant like I want to use your thigh as a pillow, but you totally don’t have to wear pants,” Helena elaborated, and Hunnigan let out an amused scoff. She moved to lay back on the couch and let her left leg rest on the back of the couch to make room so that Helena could go lay on her side and rest her head on Hunnigan’s thigh.
“This is officially my favorite place in the world.”
“Well, I do recall dramatically proclaiming something along the lines of you always being welcome betwixt my breasts, might as well expand the area to betwixt my thighs,” Hunnigan said and Helena laughed softly.
“Did I ever tell you how I realized I’m a lesbian?”
“I don’t think so.”“Well, it’s kind of a long story, you wanna hear it?
“Of course I do.”“It starts with grandma’s books. She was a lot of things; mostly a mean, cruel, bitter asshole, but she was also an artist, and not a bad one either. At least not when her hands weren’t shaking too much from drinking. As such, she had an interest in the subject and she had a bunch of books about art, and sometimes I would look at them, and I think I was like nine or something when I came across a painting that made me go ‘okay, this is stirring something’, you know what I mean?”“Yes, for me it was Fried green tomatoes. I wanted Ruth and Idgie to kiss so bad,” Hunnigan commented.“Right, you get it. Anyway, I don’t remember whose painting it was or any other details, I think the title was something about the world, I just very clearly remember a woman lying back with her legs spread, but it wasn’t explicit. I mean, yes, it was, technically, but it wasn’t gross porn-kind of explicit.”“Sounds like it might be L'Origine du monde. ”
“I don’t know what that means.”“It’s a piece by, what’s-his-name, hang on,” Hunnigan said and grabbed her phone. “The origin of the world by Gustave Courbet, this it?” she then asked after looking it up and held the phone toward Helena.“What a brilliant title for the subject,” Helena said and looked at the screen. “Yes, that’s exactly it! I gotta tell you, I never expected to see it again. I mean I could’ve tried looking it up but without a title, what do you think I’d find with the only search parameter I had,” she smirked.
“I only made the connection because I saw it in person once.”
“Of course you did, you’re the sophisticated one,” Helena chuckled.
“It was less about that more about me getting to go with grandma-Ingrid when she started checking things off her bucket list. After she was diagnosed with cancer, she decided to spend her money on doing fun things rather than on treatments that she didn’t think would work anyway, so, she took her savings and started touring Europe, and she took me along. We went to Italy, Scotland, Greece, Iceland...and France, of course, which is where I saw the painting.”“That sounds like a wonderful time. I mean, if you ignore the cancer-part of the story.”
“It really was.”“Why didn’t Nolan come with you?”
“He spent that summer sailing with mom.”“Your mother sails—what am I saying, of course she does,” Helena interrupted herself upon realizing what a stupid question it was to ask about a woman who was anything but subtle about how much she revered her pirate-ancestors.
“Welp, I didn’t go to museums but I had pictures. I used to look at the one I mentioned rather frequently, but Frances must’ve noticed me looking because one day, the page had been torn out and I never saw it again,” Helena said then.“So, the painting made you realize you’re a lesbian, what does that have to do with you sticking your head between my legs, aside from the proximity to my version of the origin of the world,” Hunnigan asked.
“Well, when I saw it, I felt...right. Like, what it made me feel was exactly right for me, only I didn’t know at the time what it meant exactly, I didn’t figure that out until later when other girls were talking about having crushes on boys and I couldn’t relate because I was too busy realizing that watching Shakira and Britney Spears’s music videos made me feel funny inside, and then I learned about this cool thing called lesbianism.”“In your defense, those music videos had that effect on a lot of people,” Hunnigan interjected.“My point is, when I went down on you, I felt the same way; I felt right, I felt like this is where I belong,” Helena said and moved her hand to rest on Hunnigan’s abdomen, stroking the skin lightly with her fingertips, her action causing Hunnigan to inhale and exhale deeply and slowly.“Oh, I see.”
“Yeah,” Helena shrugged one shoulder a little and smiled. “I could spend days here.”“I might just take you up on that,” Hunnigan grinned. “I just had an idea,” she then gasped.
“Does it involve you putting on a blonde wig and doin’ a lil’ ‘Whenever, Wherever’ for me?” Helena grinned, and Hunnigan laughed.“Well, no, but that can be arranged, however, I will not crawl in mud, not even for your entertainment.”“Okay, I’m getting distracted, what’s the actual idea?” Helena said after taking a moment to allow herself to get lost in the mental image she’d conjured up based on the times she’d seen Hunnigan dance before, her movements so smooth it was like watching honey flow from a dripper.“I can’t tell you, it’ll be your Christmas present. But I need you all to myself for a couple of days at least, preferably longer if you have the time, so if you can manage it, don’t take any shifts for the holidays.”“I’ll see what I can do but I would really rather know what you’re planning, I don’t like surprises.”
“What kind of person doesn’t like surprises?”
“The kind who has almost never had a pleasant one.”
“All right, fine. I will take you to Paris to go see the painting responsible for your sexual awakening, surprise.”“That’s a really sweet idea, but”—
“No buts, we’re doing it,” Hunnigan said and was already typing something on her phone.
“But I don’t know if I’ll have time off from work,” Helena said quickly. “And didn’t you say the city stinks?”“It does, but I don’t plan on us spending much time out on the streets. As for the tickets, it’s okay, we’ll just change the flight to when you can go if these dates won’t work,” Hunnigan shrugged, still typing, apparently determined to make this happen right now.“That costs extra.”
“Not if you buy first class tickets.”“Well, yeah, but those are ridiculously overpriced to begin with.”
“Not a problem,” Hunnigan muttered as she scrolled through something.“Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you suspended without pay?”
“Don’t worry about it.”“Ingrid.”
“Don’t ask me about my business, Helena,” Hunnigan said, the sudden stern seriousness of her voice causing Helena to pause and blink in surprise.“Excuse me?”
“...you haven’t seen The Godfather , have you?”“No...”“Oh. Well, in that case, have you ever made a reference to something only to realize the other person has no idea what you are referring to, and it’s very uncomfortable and awkward?” Hunnigan then laughed, and Helena rolled her eyes.“Why are you avoiding the subject?”
“Because talking about money is vulgar, the only important thing about money is that you have enough of it. We have enough of it, I will tell you if you need to start worrying about money.”“Wow, what year is it? Nineteen-fifty-something, and you really are the husband.”“Hush, or I will not give you your allowance this week.”
“Fine, I’ll just dip into the grocery-fund to buy a hat,” Helena pretended to pout, and Hunnigan laughed. She then informed Helena she’d purchased the tickets and Helena made a note to try and get those days off from work. They sat silently for a long moment after that, the only sounds in the room were the noises coming from the television and a brief, quiet whine from Charlie as he yawned.
“Ingrid...” Helena began and turned to face Hunnigan.
“Yes?” she asked, turning her attention to Helena.
“Would we need to start worrying about money if I got into med school?”Hunnigan looked up into the ceiling, her lips moving as she silently mouthed words, wiggling her fingers a little as she pretended to do math.“...carry the one...” she muttered, then laughed. “No, if you want to go to med school, all you gotta worry about is getting in and studying.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about this.”“Yes, I can see how your wife being supportive of you would be confusing and upsetting,” Hunnigan teased, and Helena rolled her eyes.“I don’t know how to do this. I grew up poor, and by the time I started making any money, most of it just went to finance Deborah’s schooling or her lifestyle in general, or paying off her student loan, so I’m not used to not needing to count my pennies whenever I want to buy a pack of smokes, you know?”“All right, but like I’ve told you today and before, don’t worry about money, don’t worry about my spending, and definitely don’t feel guilty if I spend it on you.”“I never understood how Deborah did it. She had absolutely no problem letting other people pay for her things, she downright expected it sometimes, like the world and everyone in it owed it to her. I don’t know how to be like that. I wouldn’t even want to be like that because if I am given something, I feel like I’m in debt to the other person, I gotta give them something in return, and most of the time, I can’t do that, and I am just left feeling useless and guilty,” Helena said.“Hey, all I ever wanted was for someone to routinely iron my shirts for me.”
“Be serious.”“I am! Look, I don’t need specific things or favors in return for anything. I just want you to be happy and able to do what you want to do, if going to med school is one of those things, then I’ll happily do anything I can to help you get there, either by just being your personal cheerleader or by paying the tuition. I don’t know what you expect me to do, give you a chore list?”“Well, that’s a bit childish, but I will iron your shirts for the rest of my life,” Helena smirked, and Hunnigan scoffed amusedly.
“Okay, let me try a different approach. Why are you with me? How do you feel when we’re together? If I may be so bold, I do assume you like being with me.”“Of course I do. You make me feel happy, and like I have someone I can rely upon. You make me feel better, in general and about myself. You make me laugh in the best way, you make me feel loved and taken care of.”“And that is how I feel about you, and all those fuzzy warm feelings are what I’m getting in return, and imagine just how happy it makes me to do something that helps you or makes you feel good. I don’t need anything, and I don’t want anything else, just be by my side, allow me to try to make you as happy as you make me. It really is that simple.”“How do you always know just what to say?”“Improv classes, and growing up listening to my mother practice closing arguments,” Hunnigan smiled sweetly.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The last thing Hunnigan wanted to kick off the year 2015 with was a phone call from Ada Wong, who called to say she wished to meet with Hunnigan. She then proceeded to give her a time and the name of a restaurant, and instructed her to meet Ada in the private dining room she’d reserved for the two of them. All of this without even waiting for Hunnigan to confirm, so certain was she that Hunnigan would clear any potentially clashing meetings and do as she was told.She was beyond tempted to just stay home and work on the Dungeons & Dragons campaign she’d been helping agent Harding build. But, as nice as being able to figuratively tell Ada to go fuck herself by simply not showing up would have been, Hunnigan was too curious to do that. She supposed that was what Ada had counted on. So, here she was, being escorted into the private room.Ada was already waiting for her, elegant as ever, having chosen to wear a wine red blazer with matching pants rather than a dress today. While Hunnigan preferred her suits in shades of black and gray, she did admit she rather envied how well Ada wore red. A lot of people liked to think they could pull it off, but they really couldn’t. Hunnigan wasn’t one of them, she knew better and went with blue if there was an occasion for anything brighter. Considering the implied intensity of the color red, she supposed it made sense that it was the perfect match for Ada.
“Ingrid, so nice to see you. I hope your holidays went well,” she greeted the taller woman who reluctantly responded to the air kisses Ada planted on both sides of her face.In truth, Hunnigan’s holidays had gone better than well. Helena had worked through Christmas eve and day, but in return she’d gotten to take New Year’s off, which had allowed her and Hunnigan to take a week long trip to Paris, and it had certainly been a New Year’s eve she’d never forget; due to some very lucky timing, she’d had the best orgasm of her life just as the year changed and the fireworks went off over the city.
Of course, she had no intention of disclosing this to Ada.“Thank you, I hope yours did too,” Hunnigan said, engaging in the pleasantries despite considering them a waste of time because neither she or Ada were being sincere in their interest nor in their pretence that they didn’t already know at least some of what the other had been up to.
Hunnigan knew there were well over a hundred museums in Paris, yet somehow Ada had managed to make an appearance in the one Hunnigan had taken Helena to, and she’d managed to make sure Hunnigan would spot her from the crowd. Definitely not an accident, Hunnigan didn’t believe for a second she would’ve noticed Ada had she attempted to hide her presence. She’d wanted her to know she was personally keeping an eye on her. For what purpose, Hunnigan couldn’t say; Ada had already taken everything of interest Hunnigan had on her, why follow her around?
“I had a wonderful time in Paris, saw some old friends.”
“What a coincidence, I was there too,” Hunnigan said sarcastically.“Well, not really, I have an apartment there.”
“Of course you do.”A waiter came over to pour the wine Ada had already ordered while waiting.“None for me, thank you. Red gives me a headache,” Hunnigan said and glanced at Ada who smirked at the subtle dig at her. “I’ll just have an iced tea,” she said and he nodded, promising to return promptly with the requested drink. They sat in silence, Ada taking slow sips of her wine until Hunnigan decided she had better things to do than to wait for Ada to state her business.“What do you want?”
“What do you want, Ingrid?” Ada asked back.“You mean besides to strangle you after all the trouble you got me in?”
“Well, in that case I commend your self-control. How have things been at the office?” Ada asked innocently and Hunnigan narrowed her eyes, biting her tongue to keep from straight up telling her to go fuck herself.“I wouldn’t know,” she said instead.
“Oh? Did something happen?”“Cut the act and cut the crap, tell me what you wanted to see me about or I’m leaving,” Hunnigan said. Ada swirled the wine in her glass and took a slow drink from it then.
“I have a job for you.”“I already have a job,” Hunnigan responded. They fell silent while the waiter came by to deliver Hunnigan her drink, and once he’d gone, Ada spoke again.“Hun, they really don’t deserve your loyalty; if the DSO could prove something beyond reasonable doubt and expose you without risking their own reputation, you would be dragged across the coals many times over,” Ada said, and Hunnigan wouldn’t admit it out loud, but she had a point.
As much as Hunnigan liked to pretend otherwise, the DSO was just like any other institution that resided mostly in secrecy; it was ample breeding ground for corruption. She just hadn’t expected to end up being internally made into the poster girl for it, especially since she had not done anything to deserve it. Smoking her out of the agency rather than pursuing a treason charge and opening the doors for scrutiny would be the quiet and easy way to avoid a PR nightmare. It would be what she’d do if she had to make that choice.“You seem to be under the impression that I was fired. I wasn’t.”“Sure you weren’t, but after the hits your reputation has suffered, do you honestly think anyone would ever want to work with you even if you were reinstated? Why would you ever want to go back there?” Ada smirked and drank from her glass.
“Because it’s my life’s work. Because I believe in the mission. Because someone else would get it wrong.”“And what a marvelous impact you and your Messiah complex have made,” Ada drawled sarcastically, and Hunnigan had to swallow another wave of fury that was bubbling within her. What she hated more than Ada’s tone was the fact that Ada was not entirely wrong. It was the same thing Helena had said when she’d quit the agency; the work didn’t feel like it ever accomplished anything, there was always something more headed their way.“Come work for me instead.”“You expect me to come work with you after you set me up?” Hunnigan scoffed, emphasizing the word “with” because Ada had said “work for her” and while Hunnigan might have remotely entertained the idea of working with her out of necessity, she would never work for Ada.
“Set you up?” Ada laughed. “I never made you do anything, you did what you wanted, like you always do.”
“I seem to recall you coercing me into going to Dulvey.”
“Did I do that? Or did I just let you know that you might want to consider it?” Ada shrugged innocently and Hunnigan sighed in exasperation.
Now that she thought about it, sure, maybe Ada could say she hadn’t directly said anything that could be considered coercion, but the implication had been there, very clearly so, Hunnigan refused to believe she’d imagined it for the sake of justifying to herself why she needed to go there...because if she had imagined it, that would mean she’d endangered Helena and Hawke’s lives and landed herself in the mess she was in currently, and that wouldn’t do, it was easier to blame it on Ada.
Stop second-guessing yourself, you did everything right, she mentally told herself.“I’m still not hearing a convincing reason to join forces with you,” she said out loud then.
“I won’t try to tempt you with something as banal as money, but let it be said, it pays well. The money I deposited into your account to reimburse you for the safe and the laptop”—
“Speaking of, don’t bother stealing my laptops in the future, they won’t contain anything you’d be interested in,” Hunnigan interjected.
She didn’t elaborate that in the future, she would work strictly from encrypted thumb drives she intended to keep on her person at all times rather than ever store anything on her laptop ever again. Not doing things like so sooner had been an oversight on her part, and on the DSO’s part. She’d fix it when she got back to work. If she got back to work.—”was pocket money,” Ada finished, ignoring the comment.“Pass.”
“How about something better, then. Something you’ve always wanted.”The waiter came by to inquire if they were ready to order, and truthfully Hunnigan wasn’t hungry in the least. On the contrary, she was growing rather nauseous with Ada’s audacity. She let the waiter know she would skip appetizers, and thankfully he knew better than to try and convince her otherwise.“I seriously doubt you have anything I’d want,” she then told Ada once it was just the two of them again.
“Everyone can be seduced by the right woman, the trick is figuring out who she is, then becoming her.”
“Yeah, that might work with Leon, it’s not gonna work on me, you’re not my type.”“I didn’t mean ‘seduce’ quite that literally,” Ada laughed quietly. “You and I both know that with your abilities you could work anywhere else, you could have a job in the private sector and make two-three times the money you’re making now, I had to ask myself why do you waste your time as a government stooge, and as far as I can tell, the only thing the DSO can offer that’s not available elsewhere in such quantities is the liberty to do what you want without being prosecuted,” she continued, and Hunnigan let out a bored sigh, not bothering to comment; she believed the tone of her sigh would let her feelings be known.“As inefficient as I think the DSO is at its designated function, it’s still something that offers some semblance of meaning in your work.
But what I’m offering is the real deal, a chance to make an actual impact. What we found at the tanker is just the beginning.”“That so?” Hunnigan said, keeping her tone still as bored as she could manage it, but Ada wasn’t fazed.
“I am offering you a chance to do what I do; change the world in a hundred different ways every day, I’m one of destiny’s agents.”“You’re an agent of chaos.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Chaos is beautiful. It unsettles and disrupts, does away with the old. It purifies and clears a path for something new.”“None of what you just said makes the idea of working with you any more appealing.”
“How about the chance to do what you want? Unlike the DSO, I will never tell you something is impossible; I will give you resources and tell you to go get it done.”“Why me?” Hunnigan asked, shrugging one shoulder. “Since you’re being so generous, I would imagine there’d be people lining up to work for you, why come to me, you must’ve known I would say no.”
“Because I only accept the best,” Ada smiled and paused once more to drink from her glass.“Flattery won’t turn me into your slave.”
“I'd be disappointed if it did, but you’d be amazed at how often and how easily that usually works,” Ada chuckled.
“You haven’t answered my question,” Hunnigan said after Ada’s appetizer of crab cakes had been delivered. Ada once again took her sweet time taking a bite from her food and chewing it thoroughly before speaking again. She seemed to be enjoying getting on Hunnigan’s nerves by dilly-dallying needlessly, but Hunnigan tried to not let her annoyance show on her face. Either she was failing miserably or it didn’t matter to Ada because she kept doing it.“I could hire a dozen people who might technically be about as good as you are, but it won’t matter if they don’t have the passion to do this. I want you because this isn’t just a job for you. We’re actually very alike, you and I.”
“I doubt that,” Hunnigan scoffed.“Obsessive, ruthless when necessary...living in moral relativism. If I had your Electra-complex we could be the same person, professionally speaking.”
“I will be very disappointed if this outdated and half-witted homespun psychology is all you’ve got. Let me spare us both the time, I can already tell you that you don’t have what it takes to manipulate me into forgetting where my loyalties lie.”“With an agency that abandoned you at the first sign of trouble?” Ada asked, raising her eyebrows innocently.
“They didn’t abandon me, but even if they had, I’d take that over not even knowing who I work for. Do you know who you work for? Do you even care?” Hunnigan questioned and Ada laughed softly.“Do you know who you work for?” Ada asked, all mirth now drained from her voice; she had stopped playing around with Hunnigan like a cat would lose its interest in playing with its food. Likewise, Hunnigan had lost her interest in having this conversation with Ada.“Thanks for the offer but it’s a hard pass for me,” she said and stood up to leave.
“You know what your problem is, Ingrid?”“Right now, it’s a bitch in a red suit.”
“You don’t know what is good for you.”“Says the woman who just asked me to come work for her.”
“Ingrid,” Ada said, and Hunnigan didn’t really want to, but at the same time she had to stop and turn to look back and hear what Ada had to say.
“I’m saying this as a friend: watch your back. The DSO is afraid of you because you are relentless. You’re their best asset but you’re also one of the biggest threats to them. They can’t keep you but they can’t let anyone else have you either.”“Personally, I think I’m worth more to them alive in disgrace than dead and buried,” Hunnigan commented.She wasn’t concerned because she knew better than to assume the DSO went around assassinating their problematic agents. If they did, she and Leon would’ve been killed or tried for treason long before Tall Oaks. Hunnigan was convinced Ada didn’t actually know much more than Hunnigan did; she knew bits and pieces and bluffed the rest. Granted, she was very good at bluffing and performed a very convincing act, but Hunnigan wasn’t buying it. As the saying went, it took one to know one, and Hunnigan was no stranger to bluffing herself.“You’re a coward and a vulture, Ada. You feed people scraps of information and expect them to do all the hard work for you while you hide in the shadows only to conveniently swoop in and steal the fruit of everyone else’s labor. That’s what you did to me with the data from Dulvey, that’s what you’ve done to Leon for as long as you’ve known him, and undoubtedly to countless others before and after both of us.”“Feel better now?” Ada smirked, and Hunnigan didn’t bother answering. She hadn’t said it to feel better, she hadn’t said it intending to hurt Ada’s feelings; she’d said it because it was true, based on everything she knew of Ada and her way of operating.“I don’t care if the DSO fires me or disgraces me, they can do whatever the hell they want, and I still will never, in my life, ever, knowingly and willingly work with you because you’re a spineless liar whose moral gas tank is about two drops away from bone dry, and I still have my integrity.”It was at that moment that the most wonderful realization came over Hunnigan. She realized she truly, genuinely didn’t care. Ada and her buddies could do whatever the hell they wanted. The DSO could do whatever the hell they wanted. The Family and the rest of the people responsible for whateverthefuck it was that they were playing at could do whateverthefuck they wanted, Ingrid Lee Del Rey did not give a good god damn anymore.She’d dedicated her life to this work and what had it gotten her? Reprimanded, mostly. Sure, there had been moments of triumph and good times, she’d met good people through the DSO, some had even become friends, but overall? She’d given more than she’d ever received.
She’d known from the beginning it was a thankless job but it hadn’t mattered, she’d dedicated herself to it, and she didn’t regret that devotion, on the contrary, it had served a purpose, it had given her purpose. But sadly, that had not been the case for a long while now. They’d gone from trying to save people to fighting corrupt officials and their schemes. The job had become an insanely difficult game of whack-a-mole; put one crooked player away and ten new ones popped up to replace them.
Generals drooling over the possibility of having a new weapon no other nation had. Small men desperately trying to make themselves important. Lobbyists for pharmaceutical companies making generous offerings to certain people within the government in exchange for the right to do things like test vaccines and potential bioweapons on prisoners, on the homeless, on the mentally ill; so much faster and easier to do it that way than to wait around for the FDA’s approval for human testing.Hunnigan didn’t even care to count the number of times she’d dealt with outbreaks engineered by pharmaceutical companies who had wanted to see how well their brand of plague could spread, and how well their vaccine would work. At the end of the day, what was even more valuable than any biological weapon was immunity to them, and once you were the only one who had something so many people would want, its value became immeasurable. If you had the power to render the enemy’s biological weapons useless by creating a vaccine for it, governments would be fighting over the chance to buy it from you exclusively.
Or if that failed, you could just sell a disease to an arms dealer and swoop in afterward with the vaccine, same modus operandi, charge the NGOs and the governments for it. What are they gonna do, not pay and let the disease spread? After a while, the people would revolt.Then there were the governments willing to offer immunity and a testing ground to legitimate evil scientists who committed atrocities in the name of science. The U.S. alone had always been happy to harbor those kind of people, all the way from the Nazi scientists to the monsters who worked at Unit 731, why would any of that have changed, especially now when it was becoming clearer and clearer that the nation ruling the world was not the one with the strongest army of the bravest soldiers, it was the nation with the greatest scientists.On one hand, Hunnigan felt that she should keep fighting because she was in a position to do so, she was able to do things that could potentially make a difference, your average citizen wasn’t. They could riot and write petitions all they wanted, but at the end of the day they alone had very little chance of truly changing something at the core. They were given token sacrifices, scapegoats who had certainly done enough to deserve being blamed, but who also didn’t ultimately matter enough to the people who really ran the country; they could be tried and sentenced to make the people happy, to make them believe a difference had been made when it hadn’t.
On the other hand, Hunnigan felt that nothing she could do would permanently fix anything, she was wasting her time with this when she could do literally anything else. Maybe focus on doing things that made her happy instead of continuously diving deeper into the cesspool of corruption her work had become.
Hell, if Ada’s not-so-subtle implications had any basis in truth, it seemed Hunnigan was on her way to becoming one of those scapegoats for the DSO, and it seemed she was fighting for the right to become one; no wonder Ada seemed to think her a fool. The more Hunnigan thought about it, the more she, too, began to think herself a fool.Hunnigan was about to simply walk away when she heard Ada get up and then felt Ada’s hand on her forearm. She didn’t know what came over her, what odd instinct she didn’t even realize she possessed took over in that instant, overriding her usual behavior. Instead of simply stopping and turning to look back, Hunnigan found herself throwing excess force into her movement as she leaned toward Ada, headbutting her.
The impact took them both by surprise, and after several seconds of stunned silence, Ada started to laugh as Hunnigan rubbed her forehead which had hit some part of Ada’s nose judging from the blood dripping from her nostril.
“That’s not how you do it properly,” Ada said and before Hunnigan could move out of the way, Ada had ducked a little and taking advantage of their height difference, she drove the top of her head against Hunnigan’s throat. The impact caused Hunnigan’s teeth to click against each other so hard one of the lower front teeth chipped.
Ada had learned to control her body language so well it was near impossible to predict her movements, only to react to them. If it had been anyone else who headbutted her, she would’ve known to duck because they would’ve been unable to keep that small angry frown from appearing on their face broadcasting the intent before the action took place. But Ada just looked as calm as ever, before and after the hit.“Sucker punch me, will you?” Ada chuckled. “This is incredibly stupid, Ingrid. You’re not the brawling type, and even if you were, do you honestly think you have what it takes to beat me in hand-to-hand combat?” she then asked as she backed toward the table and reached for her wine.
“Of course I wouldn’t win, I wasn’t trying to win, I just wanted to land one hit because you’re such a frustrating dick,” Hunnigan responded, picking up her glasses that seemed to be still intact despite having landed on the hard tile floor. As she picked them up, however, one of the lenses fell out and cracked in half as it landed, and Hunnigan sighed a little.
Cost of headbutting Ada Wong: a pair of glasses and a chip of a tooth.
Totally worth it, Hunnigan thought, running her tongue over the small gap on her tooth. One of the staff approached to undoubtedly question what the hell was going on, but Ada waved him off, and despite looking like he would’ve wanted to say something, he swallowed his comment and turned on his heel, walking away. Hunnigan decided to do the same. She pocketed her glasses and straightened her jacket.“Goodbye, Ada. I don’t ever want to see you again.”“Don’t worry, you won’t,” Ada smiled and raised her glass in Hunnigan’s direction. “But I’ll find a way to keep in touch,” she added, muttering the words into her wine as she tilted the glass and took a drink.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
i had a horrible day too, i stepped in a puddle and my shoe got wet, Helena’s text read, her response to Hunnigan’s lament about having had a generally shitty day. I will send a crisis response team immediately, Hunnigan wrote back and chuckled. They exchanged a few more messages, in which Hunnigan assured she was okay, just inconvenienced, and Helena promised she’d be home by dinner tonight.
Hunnigan smiled at that. It had, sadly, become a relatively rare thing recently to have dinner with Helena because she was eagerly taking all the shifts she was offered at work, and when she wasn’t working, she was studying, or sleeping. Hunnigan had intervened to the best of her ability, reminding Helena that she needed rest as much as she needed to work and study, reminding her that burning herself out wouldn’t serve anyone. It always worked for a little bit, but Helena eventually seemed to forget and reset to the insane pace.
After her appointment at the dentist’s, Hunnigan made her way to the DSO headquarters to meet with Shepard. She was running a little late and that was the tardy dentist’s fault; but at least he’d done a good job of fixing her tooth, so she was willing to forgive him for delaying her.Hunnigan was still going back and forth in her mind about the decision she was about to make. Resigning made the most sense considering she’d lost most of her faith in her work, and contrary to what anyone might’ve thought, this wasn’t a job one could do if they had no faith in it. On the other hand, she was also contemplating staying on just out of spite, because she knew that Skylark would go on thinking she’d managed to win, that she’d managed to outlast Hunnigan; she was willing to admit she was petty enough to stay just to show Skylark that wasn’t the case. That said, when Shepard had called her in for a meeting, he hadn’t specified the details, could be he intended to fire her and what Hunnigan wanted regarding it didn’t matter.
When she sat down with Shepard, Hunnigan opened the conversation by informing him that Ada Wong had approached her recently with a job offer. His eyebrows rose at that, but he didn’t seem as surprised as he was trying to come across. That didn’t really surprise Hunnigan; she’d presumed he’d put her under at least some form of surveillance, she presumed he knew of anything significant she’d been up to since her suspension.
“Well...I assume you turned her down,” Shepard spoke after a few seconds of silence.
“Would you believe me if I told you I wasn’t even tempted?”“If you were anyone else, I wouldn’t, but I know you, and I believe you.”
“I suppose I should thank you.”“For what?” Shepard asked, his eyebrows now lowering into a slight frown.
“For your good word. For trusting me. I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you for that, specifically. So, thank you for your faith.”“You’re welcome.”
“That said...and even at the risk of appearing ungrateful, I have seriously considered resigning.”“But, why?”“Because I lost my faith. I can’t destroy The Family, or Umbrella, or Neo-Umbrella, or any other villainous group that pops up like mushrooms after rain. I’ve been at this for most of my life and I feel like I’ve barely made a difference. What’s it all for if the men whose illegal actions and secret policies that are behind all the crimes we investigate remain beyond prosecution and punishment?” Hunnigan asked and Shepard drew a breath, once, twice, as if he would’ve liked to say something but couldn’t quite come up with the words.“So, what are you saying?” he finally asked.“I think you know what I’m saying,” Hunnigan sighed. A part of her waited for him to come out and say it, because she didn’t want to do it herself. Once again, she couldn’t bring herself to cut the cord. The DSO was a part of her, and despite everything, she couldn’t bring herself to leave it. If Shepard told her she was no longer welcome, she would have no other choice, and she would go, but she couldn’t be the one to initiate it.
“And I think you know the old adage; all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”
“That’s just it, John. For as long as I’ve been here, I have done everything in my power, everything, and still everywhere I look, evil prospers. Either I’m fighting a war that cannot be won, or I’m not good enough.”“So, that’s it, you’re giving up?”
“I don’t know. I’m just...so tired of this. Aren’t you?”“I used to be, but I learned to separate my work from who I am. I think that’s a lesson you still have to learn. Stop taking it home with you.”
“If it were that simple, don’t you think I would already be doing that?” Hunnigan scoffed, and he chuckled.“The first steps are easy enough, get a separate phone and laptop for agency business, and leave them at the office at the end of the day. Then focus on getting rid of that gnawing feeling of needing to work and the anxiety and stress that follows realizing you can’t. Not saying it’s easy or fun, but it is worth it.”Hunnigan sighed and without thinking about it, ran her tongue repeatedly over the freshly patched up tooth as she contemplated his words. She’d gotten so used to brushing off the comments about her alleged workaholism that she hadn’t ever really taken them seriously or stopped to think why it was so important to her to be available and aware of everything all the time. What did she gain from burning her candle at both ends? What was she avoiding by rather shifting her attention to her work, as unpleasant as her work could be at times?
She had no answers, not anymore. Perhaps in the past she’d used work as an excuse to avoid having to deal with her mother who didn’t seem to accept a simple “no” without any justification when Hunnigan kept telling her she had no intention of getting married and having children. And since a simple no wasn’t an option, she’d made it so that she could honestly say she had no time for family. After that, she’d used work as an excuse to avoid Major because she’d worried he would propose. After marrying him, she’d used work to avoid going home where she would be at risk of having to have a serious conversation with her husband about their shared future.She still felt bad for Major, she knew she’d been unfair toward him. He was a bit boring perhaps but he was also a true rarity; a genuinely good man, and he had deserved better than a wife who was so dispassionate about him. She took some comfort in the fact that they’d realized to go their separate ways eventually rather than stubbornly remain together out of some ancient sense of duty to the institution, or because they’d found out they were having a child.
Hunnigan didn’t know what it was that she was supposedly avoiding now, she had no reason to avoid going home, on the contrary. Perhaps it was simply a matter of it having become a habit over the years.
“So, since you’re telling me all this, am I to assume you have completed your investigation of me?” Hunnigan asked, and Shepard smiled.
“Indeed, and it seems that the results of my very thorough investigation were inconclusive. There is no evidence to justify implicating you in treason.”“That’s it? Just like that?” Hunnigan scoffed in disbelief, and Shepard shook his head.
“No, it’s not as simple as that as far as your reputation goes, but you’re not under investigation anymore.”“Great, what do I have to look forward to, then? Seeing as it appears I no longer enjoy the trust of the agency, I guess this means I can at least resign honorably.”
“Not what I had in mind, either,” Shepard smiled.“Elaborate,” Hunnigan frowned.
“Well, it’s common knowledge that the so-called conspiracy of field agents lobbying to have you fired starts and ends with agent Skylark. As loud as she is, she represents a small minority.”“You and I both know that when it comes to matters like this, all it takes is one loud voice of opposition.”
“Yes, so why not just give her what she wants, eh? Is that the precedent we want to set? If you don’t like someone you work with, just start a witch hunt to get rid of them?”“No, of course not,” Hunnigan snapped, and considering how angry she got just at the thought of giving in only to satisfy Skylark’s demands, Hunnigan admitted that perhaps she did care a bit more than she had previously thought.
“My thoughts exactly, it’s not the kind of behavior I would like to reward.”“Okay, to be fair...she had something to back up her claims with, I assume? Or did you start this whole charade just because she accused me of being a witch?”
“Yes and no. She provided a few surveillance photos of you meeting with Ada Wong, supposedly sent to her by an anonymous source.”“Namely, Ada herself as she made sure she could blackmail me into leaving her out from any of my future investigations,” Hunnigan muttered. The effort Ada had put into ensuring Hunnigan would stop investigating her spoke volumes of how worried Ada had to be; if she was willing to go this far it must’ve meant Hunnigan was getting close to something big. Either that, or she’d attempted to ruin Hunnigan’s career to soften her up so that she’d eagerly accept Ada’s offer of work.
“I thought along those lines, too,” Shepard nodded. “But the rest of her accusations and blame shifting were just that, Skylark’s own inability to admit she’d made mistakes. As far as her attitude problem goes, it’s common knowledge that in these situations she is the common denominator, you’re not the only one she’s clashed with.”“So, what am I doing? What are you telling me?” Hunnigan cut to the chase.
“I want you to move up to deputy assistant director. You would be in charge of planning, executing, and supervising active campaigns, under my direction. You would oversee the field operations support, and assist in picking a successor because we will need another head of FOS if you accept. I’ve already cleared it with my superiors, the job is yours if you want it,” Shepard said.“What? Are you serious? You actually want to promote me? Now, is that the precedent you want to set either? I won’t deny it would be very satisfying to see the look on Skylark’s face when she heard that her efforts to get me fired resulted in getting me promoted, but I doubt she’d just silently accept that, she’d question your decision and challenge it.”“Yes, she would, and I’d welcome the scrutiny, it would only serve to prove I’m right and she’s wrong. The main reason I actually did investigate you thoroughly was because I was looking to make sure it would be safe to promote you. Had it been up to me, I would’ve promoted you long ago, but then Tall Oaks happened, and things got complicated. But, as I said, the investigation didn’t find you responsible for anything questionable. The fact that you came in here and told me about meeting with Ada only reaffirms my faith in you,” Shepard said.
“You know I’m not as clean as we like to pretend,” Hunnigan reminded him in a mutter and he let out an amused scoff.“None of us are, that’s why we’re here. It’s no secret that the DSO is considered a safe haven for military and law enforcement rejects, our more upstanding colleagues at our fellow government agencies like to think of us as the honorless rogues they can sic on the problems they don’t want to handle because it would risk them breaking a nail, whereas we’re not afraid of getting our hands dirty if the situation calls for it. The DSO doesn’t need a squeaky clean director, it needs someone who has proven they can make the tough decisions and take risks when it’s necessary.”“So...if I take this job...what will you be doing?”“I will still be here and you’ll report to me, but you taking over will free me to focus more on the external things, such as public relations, fundraising, partnerships, coordinating with the BSAA, TerraSave, CDC, FBI, what-have-you.”“Before I say more, I should mention I’m certain Ada has me under some level of surveillance, she’s made it clear she knows my comings and goings too well for it to be a series of incredible coincidences. I’ve taken some counter-surveillance measures, but I doubt they are enough,” Hunnigan said, and Shepard nodded.“Do you need to be relocated?”
“I would rather not do that if possible, especially since there is no guarantee it will even work.”“We’ll get it sorted either way, don’t worry about it. So, what do you say?”
“Can I take some time to think about it?”“Of course,” Shepard nodded. “I’ll email you more of the details so you can read up on them before deciding anything.”
“That works for me, thanks,” Hunnigan said and exited his office shortly after since their business was now concluded for the day. Making her way toward the elevators, Hunnigan ran into Leon and Hawke who were having a chat.“Have I ever told you I find women with facial scars attractive?” Leon asked and Hunnigan realized he had missed out on quite a lot of things during his lengthy furlough, like how and why Hawke nowadays had a very noticeable scar running across the bridge of her nose.
“Have I ever told you I find men physically and morally repulsive?” Hawke asked him in return, and Hunnigan snorted. Leon thankfully had the common sense to drop the subject and rather turned his attention to Hunnigan.“Hey, you!” he greeted her happily and hugged her, the leather of his jacket creaking as he wrapped his arms around her.
“Hey you to you too,” Hunnigan chuckled against his shoulder as she hugged him back. “Did you and Claire have a good time?” she asked, slowly pulling back then.Leon went on to tell her and Hawke about the motorcycle trip across several states, showed pictures taken at various landmarks and points of interest, talked about the most memorable foods he’d tasted, and how he’d been certain he’d need to have his stomach pumped repeatedly after overeating so much while they’d been making their way through Texas.
“We had a great time,” he concluded.
“I’m glad to hear that,” Hunnigan smiled.“So, what did I miss while I was away?” Leon then asked, and Hunnigan blew out a breath as she counted the things that had happened in the past few months. Hawke had, thankfully, already caught him up on anything work-related he should be aware of, and Hunnigan didn’t want to ruin the rest of her day by bringing up Ada Wong and her run-ins with the spy. He knew about Dulvey and that was all he needed to know.
“Helena quit and is now thinking of pursuing a career in medicine, and...I think that’s about it,” Hunnigan finished listing things.
“Really? I mean, I’m not surprised she quit, but medicine—no, actually, that makes sense, she was a medic in the army, unless I remember that wrong,” Leon commented, and Hunnigan nodded.“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Hawke quirked an eyebrow and Hunnigan frowned, genuinely not knowing what she was referring to.
“What?” she finally asked, and Hawke gave a hard stare at the ring on Hunnigan’s finger. “Oh! Yeah, Helena and I got married.”“And I wasn’t invited to the wedding? Now I’m hurt.”
“There was no wedding, we just signed some papers at city hall,” Hunnigan said.“Well, I’d expect that from you, but I had Helena pegged as someone who’s had a wedding-themed scrapbook since she was a kid.”
“Seriously? Are we talking about the same Helena?” Hawke commented with a disbelieving laugh.“Anyone who is that tough on the outside is a squishy romantic marshmallow on the inside, that’s just a scientific fact,” Leon said, and Hunnigan had to nod in agreement, because despite her hot-headedness and remarkably hard exterior, Helena had the kindest soul if you were lucky enough to win her trust and thus earn the right to see that.With the talk about a wedding, Hunnigan realized she had never asked Helena if she wanted a proper wedding. At the time they’d agreed that a quick marriage at the city hall was the best and easiest way to handle it because they’d kind of been in a hurry, but nothing was stopping them from having a ceremony and a reception later. Helena hadn’t said anything about wanting one, but she wasn’t the type who felt comfortable asking for something for herself, that much had become clear.“Well, maybe we’ll have a celebration of some kind later since we never did originally, and you will be invited,” Hunnigan told him.“Will there be an open bar?”
“Leon, just for you and because you’re on the guestlist, there will absolutely not be an open bar,” Hunnigan promised.“That’s fair,” he laughed.“What are you doing?” Helena asked upon entering the kitchen. She had grown rather used to walking on Hunnigan and Seeley cooking together, he seemed to enjoy helping, and Hunnigan seemed to enjoy trying out new recipes, or creating the more complicated ones, when he was working as her little helper. And, amazingly, he wasn’t terrible at helping her either, sometimes Helena was certain that kid was more efficient as a sous-chef than Helena was.“Is that a caulking gun?” she then frowned when she saw the item Hunnigan was holding.“A what?” Hunnigan looked up, and pushed her glasses back up her nose using the back of her index finger, a simple little mannerism Helena found oddly endearing for reasons she couldn’t quite express. There was nothing unusual about it, anyone wearing glasses and needing to adjust them while their hands weren’t clean would do the same, but since she hadn’t seen anyone else do it, to Helena, that little movement was something uniquely Hunnigan and therefore endearing.“A gun you use to squeeze out caulk from a tube when you’re sealing gaps,” Helena elaborated.
“I don’t know anything about caulking, this is a jerky gun,” Hunnigan said and held it up. It looked exactly like a caulking gun, except where the tube of caulk would go was a hollow shaft containing a mass of tightly packed ground meat.“How do you not know what caulking gun is, what kind of a lesbian are you?” Helena teased, choosing to only mouth the word “lesbian” because she wasn’t sure if Seeley knew what a lesbian was, and in case he didn’t, she didn’t want him to ask what it meant and have Hunnigan force her to explain it.Frankly, she wasn’t sure what exactly Seeley thought of her and his mother’s relationship, they’d never had a conversation about it beyond Hunnigan sitting him down and explaining that Helena would be living with them. He’d had no questions or objections then, and he hadn’t brought it up later either, Helena could only assume he hadn’t thought twice about it. Maybe I overthink it because I’m projecting my own issues onto him again, Helena mused and recalled the time she’d thought it was weird how okay Hunnigan was with the fact that Seeley routinely climbed into their bed after waking up too early, and the little boy clad in his My Little Pony- pajamas cuddling up with his mother who slept naked had made Helena pause. When she’d mentioned it to Hunnigan, she’d asked Helena to explain why she found it strange, and doing that had made Helena realize exactly why it wouldn’t be weird for Seeley.He was a kid who had not learned to sexualize absolutely everything (and hopefully never would but Helena doubted they’d be that lucky) the way most adults had, the way Helena had. To him, a pair of breasts was nothing but a source of food, a naked woman a representation of his mother, in other words a source of warmth and comfort. In short, he wasn’t the problem, Hunnigan wasn’t the problem, nudity wasn’t the problem; Helena and her own assumptions were the problem. Perhaps it was the case here too, perhaps Seeley knew what a lesbian was better than Helena had known even as a teenager.“I’m not a lesbian, I’m bi. And I’ve never done a hard day’s work in my life, how am I supposed to know tools,” Hunnigan answered Helena’s question with a smirk. “How do you know what a caulking gun is, you’re not that butch,” she then added.“Well, our neighbor Tommy and his brother had a construction company, and he offered me a summer job when I was old enough, so I spent a few summers as a construction laborer, and in addition to hauling debris around, I was in charge of setting up the tools, so I kinda had to learn what’s what,” Helena explained.
“Sorry, I stopped listening and started picturing you in a hard-hat and wearing a toolbelt,” Hunnigan shook her head.“What is bi?” Seeley asked, looking up at his mother, and Helena snorted.
“Well, remember when you asked what a lesbian is and I told you a lesbian is a girl who only likes other girls?”“Like gramma Cheryl and Pam,” Seeley nodded, and Helena felt her eyebrow twitch at that, she’d had no idea Major had two moms. But then again, why would she have known, it was hardly any of her business.“Right, well, bi is someone who likes girls and boys,” Hunnigan explained, and Helena didn’t think she’d ever understand how Hunnigan managed to have frank conversations like that with a child with such ease. Perhaps it was a question of not underestimating the kid’s intelligence, and not fearing having to answer follow-up questions if something the child didn’t understand did come up.
Helena dreaded the day Seeley would ask her something awkward like the classic, where do babies come from. Short answer she had prepared was simply “from mommies” but Seeley was a clever kid, he’d want to know how the baby got into mommy, and Helena didn’t want to have to explain that. Of course, she knew it wasn’t her responsibility to do so, and knew that Hunnigan would take over if the situation ever came up, but still.
And you think you could handle being a parent yourself when you can’t even imagine answering a simple question? I did you a favor when I took your choice away, Sergeant Good’s voice whispered, and Helena wondered if the bitch’s ghost would ever stop haunting her.
“I like boys and I like girls, am I bi too?” Seeley asked, and Helena had to pinch her lips shut tight to keep from laughing.
“Well, honey, no, I don’t think you mean it in the same way as I do,” Hunnigan said. “...I certainly hope you don't have any reason to yet,” she added under her breath.“How do I mean it?”
“You mean you are friends with boys and girls, right?”“Uh-huh!” Seeley confirmed.
“Okay, well, when I say I like boys and girls I don’t mean just friends.”
“I don’t get it.”“You don’t have to,” Hunnigan chuckled and pressed a kiss onto the top of his head.
“Are you bi?” Seeley then asked Helena.“Uhhhmmm—no. I’m like your grandmas.”
“Just say lesbian, it’s not a dirty word,” Hunnigan smirked.“Right. I only like girls. Specifically, I like your mom,” Helena said.
“That’s nice,” Seeley said nonchalantly, nodding his head before turning his attention back to the task at hand, namely he stretched out his arms, silently requesting to get to hold the jerky-gun, and with that, the conversation was apparently over.
“So, what inspired this?” Helena asked as Hunnigan held the jerky gun so that Seeley could use both his hands to squeeze down on the trigger and extrude meat through the nozzle and onto a rack.
“Just wanted to do something different,” Hunnigan shrugged. “Plus, I figured these would go great in a wrap, makes for a quick and easy lunch for you tomorrow.”“Sounds amazing.”
“I’m bored now, can I go?” Seeley asked once the rack had been filled with a neat row of meat.
“Wash your hands,” Hunnigan told him, and he did so before running off to his room.
“I guess I should’ve made this a lesson about finishing what you start, but technically, he did finish one row, so he stuck with this longer than I honestly expected him to,” she then said as she put the tray into the oven and left the door ajar.“Any other kid probably would’ve settled for Play-Doh rather than actually cook, so I was already impressed,” Helena commented and followed Hunnigan into the living room.
“How do you do that, how do you talk to Seeley so frankly?” she then asked as she took a seat on the couch.“You make it sound like it’s a choice, it’s not, I just don’t know how to talk to kids,” Hunnigan laughed and switched the TV on for some background noise.
“I never realized that was an option.”“It’s an option,” Hunnigan nodded.
“How was the rest of your day?” Helena inquired then, leaned back and lifted her feet into Hunnigan’s lap.
“It got better,” Hunnigan said, and Helena smiled when she began softly kneading the soles and sides of Helena’s feet without even needing to be asked. She told Helena about her meeting with Shepard and all the details around it.
“That’s great news! Right?”
“I guess. I mean, I kinda got used to not having to go to the office...”“No you didn’t,” Helena interjected.
“No I didn’t,” Hunnigan agreed with a chuckle.
“So, have you decided what you’re gonna tell Shepard?” Helena asked and sat up, gestured for Hunnigan to turn and she did, allowing Helena to return the favor and give her neck and shoulders a massage.
“I don’t know, I was thinking I’d just be a doctor’s wife. According to a ton of movies and TV-shows that’s a career path to pursue,” Hunnigan said.
“Sure, but that means you will have to iron my shirts.”“Don’t doctors wear those white coats all the time anyway, no one would even see your crinkly shirts.”
“Are you saying I don’t deserve ironed shirts?”“Sure you do, just not ironed by me,” Hunnigan said, and they laughed.
“What about Ada? Did you tell Shepard about her?”“Yes, and he offered to relocate me, but that’s a waste of time and resources. Besides, I’m pretty sure Ada’s already gotten everything she could possibly get from me, so if she wants to waste her time spying on me, let her.”
“You’re not worried she’ll come after your son?”“Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know. Why does she do anything,” Helena shrugged.“I think if going after someone else to get to me would be something she’d do, she would’ve at least threatened me with it by now, I don’t think it’s her style, she prefers bothering me directly.”
“I guess you’re right.”“Helena...”
“Yes, my love?”“Do you want to have a proper wedding?” Hunnigan asked and Helena stopped abruptly as she was stunned by the question.
“I had never thought about it,” she said after a moment of silence, and Hunnigan turned to face her.
“So you didn’t spend your childhood imagining being a bride?”
“You’re joking, right? Literally never,” Helena laughed. “What’s brought this on?” she then asked and Hunnigan told her about the conversation she’d had with Leon earlier regarding the subject.
“If you want to have a party to celebrate the fact that we’re married, I’m down with that, but I don’t want a grand wedding ceremony. You know how I feel about public romantic gestures, what’s a wedding if not that,” Helena smiled.
“You’re right, I’d embarrass you with my cheesy wedding vows in front of all our friends and family, which is, like, five people.”“Do you want a wedding, then?”
“No, I’ve already had one and it was a lot of stress for little reward; it’s supposed to be ‘my day’ but I’m also the one who has to put everything together, no thanks.”“Well, I would help you do all that for our wedding.”
“So you do want a wedding?”“No.”
“...then why are we still talking about it?”“I don’t know,” Helena laughed. “No wedding ceremony, but perhaps a little celebration with friends and family, just a few drinks and quiet conversation, you know, that kind of stuff.”
“Sounds good to me.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Helena leaned back on the couch, settling to lay against Hunnigan who was seated at the end. Opposite to her was Leon, his arm around agent Harding’s shoulders as she had pressed herself against his side. Helena wondered what exactly was the deal with him. She’d been under the impression Leon had feelings for Claire Redfield, but judging from the way he behaved, Helena was beginning to wonder just how serious he could be. Or maybe he just couldn’t help himself from flirting even if he wouldn’t act on it. Still, when Helena considered how she’d feel if she would witness Hunnigan behave the way Leon did with other women, even if she knew it wouldn’t lead to anything, it wasn’t a good feeling.
Don’t make such comparisons, you don’t know anything about their relationship, you don’t know Claire, for all you know she’s fine with it, Helena told herself mentally.
“Never have I ever been in jail or prison,” Harding kicked off the drinking game Helena, Hunnigan, Leon, Nolan, and Hawke had agreed upon to quickly change the subject before the mood would be ruined during the previous conversation (which had threatened to turn from a friendly debate between Hunnigan and Nolan to a full blown argument over which platform to play video games on, of all things — she preferred PlayStation, he preferred a computer).As the rules stated, Helena took a drink since she’d been in jail. When Leon gave her a questioning look, Helena told him to ask Skylark all about it, she was certain she’d dedicated an entire scrap book to articles from New York tabloids from the time when Helena had been accused of Good’s murder. Before he had a chance to ask further questions, Hunnigan also took a drink.“What did you do?” Leon and Helena asked in almost unison.“Well, once upon a time there were two rogue agents who ran off to China after I provided them the opportunity to do so, and with amazing swiftness, a hearing was arranged and I was questioned about these agents’ whereabouts, and I respectfully declined to answer because I believed that doing so would’ve endangered said agents’ lives, and I was told that answering the question wasn’t optional, so I was held in contempt of congress and was jailed for that,” Hunnigan explained.
“You never told me that,” Helena commented.
“It was hardly worth mentioning, like any independent woman would do, I called my mommy for help, and I only spent about three hours in jail,” Hunnigan said.“You called your mom? Who is she, Judge Judy?” Leon laughed.
“Mom’s net worth is actually about a hundred million more than Judge Judy’s,” Nolan interjected.
“She’s probably the best criminal defense attorney in the country, nobody needs someone as good as my mom as much as the important people do, and when important people owe you favors, shit gets done,” Hunnigan answered Leon’s question.“Can I call her if I get in trouble?” he asked, his question causing Hunnigan and Nolan to laugh a bit, their reaction earning a quirked eyebrow from Leon.“Sure, the last time I checked you just need a fifty thousand dollar retainer, and anything beyond that is two hundred and fifty bucks an hour for her telling you she wishes to God you’d use your right to remain silent,” Hunnigan smirked.“I refuse to believe anyone is good enough a lawyer to justify that kind of amount, so I think I’ll just keep calling you when I get in trouble,” Leon smirked, and Helena had to give him credit for using the word “when” instead of “if” because it was honest, and it was good of him to be aware of the inevitability of trouble finding him.“Well, I’m not a lawyer, but I have seen every episode of Matlock, so I guess I’ll do if it’s an emergency,” Hunnigan laughed.“Hunnigan going to jail to protect you is kinda romantic. I mean, if you remove Leon from the scenario,” Harding then commented to Helena.
“Oh, just, remove me, casually, just like that, and the story has the makings of a best selling romance novel? I’m hurt,” Leon pouted into his glass of bourbon.“No, Harding’s right, it makes perfect sense because when you put Helena and Hunnigan together, you get a relationship that never had a chance of being casual. There’s so much possessiveness and intense feelings that it’s all just very....” Hawke began and when she couldn’t find a verbal way to describe just how much intensity she was talking about, she relayed the emotion by clenching her teeth and fists, tensing up, and making a loud grunt.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Helena inquired, and Hawke sighed.“Okay, I worded it in a way that probably made it sound like a bad thing, but it’s not necessarily; unless something becomes a huge problem between the two of you, we’re talking about the most powerful and enduring kind of love here,” Hawke said, paused to take a drink and continued then: “I do feel I should mention that the strong Venus-moon-combination in your chart is probably gonna make you want to have, like, five hundred babies.”“Eehh...” Helena shrugged awkwardly.
“Or, cats, we could get cats,” Hunnigan suggested half-heartedly.
“Sure, just something to love and nurture. Or, maybe you’ll just be wealthy and have a lot of nice things, it could really be just that, too, it’s not entirely specific” Hawke chuckled.
“Wait, what chart, what are you talking about?” Leon asked.“Astrology, my dude.”
“You got all that from astrology?” it was Harding’s turn to question, and Hawke nodded again.“I don’t know, sounds to me like the kind of stuff you’d hear from so-called psychics. Ramble on long enough using broad enough generalizations and you’re bound to say something the other person wanted to hear,” Leon said.
“And just for that I will not offer you any insight to your personality...other than tell you that you’re so quick to put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own is because you’re very insecure thanks to your distant mother who was never emotionally supportive, so you think the only way you matter is through self-sacrifice,” Hawke said nonchalantly, the rapidly changing expressions on Leon’s face ranging from amused to annoyed to embarrassed as he listened, the “face journey” implying Hawke had indeed managed to say something that got under his skin...which kind of also proved Leon’s point about making generalizations; the odds were someone his age had parents who were born in the fifties or earlier, meaning they weren’t necessarily the touchy-feely-let’s talk about our emotions-types.Unless they were hippies, but judging from Leon’s reaction to Hawke’s remark that wasn’t the case as far as he was concerned. Add to that his womanizing tendencies and the general way he acted around women, he had to have some kind of mommy-issues, you didn’t need astrology or a degree in psychology to be able to tell as much.“Oh, and, Hunnigan, that reminds me, you’re one of those people one either like or don’t, there is no middle ground, but that it goes both ways, because you’re also a person who either likes someone or doesn’t, and if you don’t like someone...you can be cold and indifferent toward them.”“Gee, thanks, that’s really nice of you to say,” Hunnigan smirked sarcastically, but Helena was inclined to agree with Hawke, actually. Certainly explained partly why Skylark and Hunnigan had never gotten along, even before Skylark had chosen to pick on Hunnigan over her relationship with Helena.“My point is that when someone pisses you off, you will fucking well let them know they’ve pissed you off, because you will fucking fight them, but you’re not the type to hold grudges,” Hawke continued lecturing, turning her attention to Helena then.“Which is why, Helena, it’s important that you remember...she will tear you a new one, but she will also love you like nothing ever happened ten seconds later, and it can get difficult to deal with that kind of love-and-hate-extremes.”“I don’t think we’ve ever actually really fought,” Hunnigan mused, and thinking about it now, Helena had to agree. They’d had words, minor arguments, but never anything that she would’ve counted as an actual fight. It was rather remarkable, and a little bit terrifying because it had to happen eventually, and after such a long good streak, the inevitable bad would certainly be absolutely devastating.“Well that’s not good either when we’re talking about a person who is incapable of understanding love without the hate, namely, you,” Hawke said as if to confirm Helena’s worry.
“Oh my God, she’s right, you divorced Major because you two didn’t fight,” Helena then gasped in exaggerated horror, and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“See what you’ve started?” Hunnigan sighed at Hawke, who laughed.
“So, wait, wait...” Nolan spoke up. “Since Ingrid and I have the same birthday, wouldn’t all this apply to my relationship with Helena as well?” he asked, glanced at Helena and wiggled an eyebrow.
“Well...I mean...technically....” Hawke drawled, clearly not wanting to answer that.“So, their relationship is straight out of a good romance novel, someone should write it!” Harding said, saving Hawke from having to finish her sentence.
“Never have I ever read a good romance novel, or even heard of one existing,” Nolan then said, and Helena took a drink.“You read romance novels?” Harding’s eyebrows rose.
“I do,” Helena nodded.“Who even are you? I don’t know you at all anymore,” Leon frowned, and Helena laughed at that a little.It was kind of funny to her that he seemed to believe he knew a lot about her when in reality, she’d shared very little and hadn’t even spent that much time with Leon outside of Tall Oaks and what followed that, and then sharing a drink or ten with him a couple of times. She considered him a friend, but it was still rather superficial.“Helena Harper, just like I always was,” she smirked.
“You kept your last name, I don’t get to call you Hunnigan too?” Leon asked. “Or, Hunnigan two, hah!” he added,
laughing at his own pun, holding up two fingers to indicate the change of spelling he intended.“No, and you shouldn’t call me that either seeing as it’s my ex-husband’s name, not mine,” Hunnigan chuckled.
“I leave for a little while and everything’s changed, I don’t like this at all. I don’t even know your maiden name,” he wailed and drank his glass empty.
“It’s Del Rey.”
“With a name like that, why would you ever go to Hunnigan?” Leon then frowned.“To annoy my mom, of course. You know me, I’m a rebel.”
“I’m gonna go have a smoke and walk Charlie,” Helena announced then upon noticing Charlie move from the spot he’d been napping at by the window to sit in front of the door leading outside, this being his familiar way of letting Helena know he needed to go.“You should quit smoking!” Hunnigan called out after her.
“Make me,” Helena smirked over her shoulder and went to grab the leash to put on Charlie.“I’ll go with you,” Hawke said and got up as well.
“I didn’t know you smoke,” Helena commented as they headed outside.“I don’t, I just wanted some air, I don’t think I look it, but I’m getting fucking wasted,” Hawke laughed.
“Yeah, you never do look like it, you just kind of keep going and out of the blue, your battery runs out,” Helena nodded, pushed the door to the building open and stepped outside behind Charlie.“When’s the last time we got wasted together?”
“Must’ve been back at Jane’s bar...” Helena mumbled.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry, didn’t mean to...I mean, I know things went to hell with her, and she was your friend and all.”
“It is what it is,” Helena shrugged one shoulder.
Truth be told, she hadn’t thought about Jane, or Maxima, or even Deborah in a long while. Not actively. There were times when she randomly remembered they were gone, or was reminded of them by something she associated with them, but the memories no longer devastated her the way they had before. Occasionally, she felt guilty for not dwelling on the sadness longer, which was a weird thing to process because intellectually she knew that being depressed over lost loved ones wouldn’t make them come back or make them somehow feel better remembered and appreciated. Emotionally, she felt bad for not feeling bad enough.“So, how’s...stuff? Have you decided what kinda doctor you’re gonna be when you grow up?” Hawke asked, and Helena chuckled, shaking her head a little.“Not a doctor,” she said and lit a cigarette. “The thing about being a doctor is there’s a chance you gotta give your patients bad news, and I honestly don’t think my mental health could handle that, you know. I can’t go from ‘sorry, you have two months to live’ to meeting another patient ten seconds later and listening to them tell me they Googled their symptoms so they’re certain they are suffering from Stoneman Syndrome despite the obvious answer to their problem being something simple like dehydration.”“I wonder if that’s why the wait is sometimes so long; every time I’ve had an appointment with a doctor, they’re at least ten minutes late, maybe they were crying in the bathroom,” Hawke gasped when she considered the possibility. Helena doubted that was the reason, but then again, who knew, perhaps it could be true.“Who can say?” she shrugged. “I had quite enough of losing patients back in Afghanistan. I mean, it wasn’t always even my fault, I didn’t dictate the R.O.E., but in a lot of ways, that felt even worse.”
“Right, right. What’s R.O.E. mean?” Hawke frowned, and Helena narrowed her eyes at the other woman.“You told me you were in the Navy, and you don’t know what R.O.E. stands for?”
“Yeah, well, I mean, it’s probably not the same for Navy and Army,” Hawke stuttered, and Helena grinned a little.
“I’m pretty sure the acronym for ‘rules of engagement’ is the same regardless of the branch,” she said, and Hawke sighed.
“All right, all right. I was never in the Navy,” she finally admitted.
“Shocking,” Helena said in a flat tone.
Hunnigan had already told her as much, but Helena hadn’t let Hawke know she was aware of this, she didn’t think it was necessarily for Helena to know, and she didn’t want to sow any seeds of mistrust between Hunnigan and Hawke by letting her know Hunnigan had spilled the beans.
“I was smuggled into the country by my uncle who worked with the Irish mob, which doesn’t actually exist if anyone asks. After I was here, I had to work off my debt to the smugglers, so I spent about a year as the person who goes around with a tire iron to collect money owed from reluctant business partners.”“Tire iron? How uncouth.”“It was a bit more subtle than that, but you get the picture. Then the Feds flipped me and I spent a little while being a federal asset before my cover got blown and I got shot, was presumed dead, and then Hunnigan recruited me for the DSO. So, there’s my real story, sounds more exciting and glamorous than it was,” Hawke condensed her history into a few sentences.
“What about your family, did you make up that part too?”
“Kinda. My little sister and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms, she’s back in England, she works for the Secret Intelligence Service, more commonly known as MI6.”“She’s a spy?” Helena’s eyebrows rose and Hawke laughed.
“Nah, she’s a call desk analyst, which is a fancy way of saying she works at tech support. But yeah, we don’t really talk much. Last time I saw her was a mom’s funeral a few years back. Aaanyway ... You were saying you lost patients because of the rules of engagement, what does that mean?”“Oh, well, sometimes we’d get a call about injured people but the rules of engagement dictate that we’re not allowed to help unless we caused the injury. So if a kid blew his arm off because he was playing catch with a grenade he found lying around, not our problem. If a kid got his arm blown off by a U.S. soldier, our problem.”“Well, that’s harsh but I guess it makes sense.”It did, especially when considering that there were times when the people who were brought in had been wearing explosives and had never needed medical attention, their intent solely to just bomb the hospital. But understanding why didn’t make it less painful and annoying to have to deal with when all you wanted to do was to—
—help, that’s why I’m here, let me— I don’t care, you can shoot me after, just let me help her!
Helena shuddered and inhaled sharply when the voice of Maxima Ibsen resounded clearly in her head as the memory of her pleading with the village elder to be allowed in to help a young woman who had been stabbed in the head passed her mind. Maxima had been denied access, Helena didn’t know what had happened to the injured woman.Charlie stopped, looked up at her and whined, and Hawke put her hand on Helena’s shoulder.“You okay?”
“Yeah, I guess Donald Duck just walked over my grave.”“What does that even mean?” Hawke scoffed amusedly.
“I don’t know, I read it in a book once,” Helena chuckled. They walked in silence for a few moments until Hawke spoke again.“All right, so you’re not gonna be a doctor, what will you be then? Have you decided for sure?”
“A nurse midwife,” Helena elaborated with a nod, “provided I manage getting through all the schooling that’s necessary.”School had actually been going rather well, contrary to how it had been growing up, she was actually enjoying going to class. Hunnigan had been a huge help all the way from assisting Helena in figuring out how to even apply to helping out by re-writing the lyrics to songs that got stuck in Helena’s head so that she could use them as a mnemonic device.Once Charlie was done with his business, they headed back inside where Leon just finished saying something about how easy playing the guitar was.
“Oh, this’ll be good, Hunnigan does her best work when she’s being spiteful,” Helena grinned, unleashed Charlie and went into the living room. Leon was holding Hunnigan’s guitar and began to play the opening tune of Metallica’s “Nothing else matters”, and even though Helena was anything but a musician, even she had by now learned why Hunnigan and Nolan immediately exchanged a look and groaned in unison at Leon’s song choice. Well, at least it’s not “Wonderwall”, Helena mused internally. They let Leon have his moment, though it seemed that the only person who was even mildly impressed by Leon’s ability to play one song was agent Harding, and even that was probably only because she thought Leon was cool long before he played the song (and despite him playing the song).“Oof, I don’t know if I want to try and follow that,” Hunnigan smirked as Leon handed the guitar to her.
She held the guitar’s neck in an overhand grip, tapping the fingers of her left hand on the strings to a beat and a tune while pressing down on the thin E-string with the index finger of her right hand. She used her middle finger and her ring finger to pick the string, sliding her index finger up and down along the neck, playing the iconic melody of “Misirlou” on the single string, the speed of her fingertips flicking over the string creating that surf-guitar sound. Once it was time for the part where the trumpet solo would’ve been, she played the chords, thumping her wrist against the guitar’s body and knocking on it as she strummed to emphasize the beat of the song.
“Yeah, well...I didn’t have time to practice,” Leon mumbled after Hunnigan finished playing the song.
“Yeah, no, I get it, practice is essential,” Hunnigan nodded with a smile.“Okay, okay, I have two very important questions!” Hawke raised her hand. “Number one: does that finger-flicking-thing you were doing work on women?” she asked, earning uncomfortable groans from everyone except Hunnigan, whose response was a hearty laugh.“I—I would like to know that too,” Leon spoke up.
“Depends on the woman,” Hunnigan said innocently, and Helena escaped to the kitchen to mix herself another drink before anyone would notice her very telling blush.There were times when she didn’t know how to react to the fact that Hunnigan was actually on the receiving end of comments like that rather frequently thanks to her online presence.While her following wasn’t huge, it was enough to contain quite a lot of people who were quick to make absolutely everything into something suggestive or lewd even. Just recently the comment section of Hunnigan’s latest video had been overtaken by creeps making sexual comments about Hunnigan’s tongue because she had run her tongue over her chipped tooth, and that little moment had gotten everyone’s attention. Literally less than three seconds of footage, the tip of her tongue barely visible as she’d poked her tooth with it, and everyone lost their minds it seemed. It was insane.She knew Hunnigan didn’t pay attention to such things, she probably had no idea of what was being said in the comments (unless Nolan had pointed it out to her), because she genuinely didn’t read them anymore, hadn’t for years now. Helena had tried to stop reading them herself because ignorance truly was bliss, and she didn’t want to go down the same road Major had gone, getting upset over the things some creeps and trolls were saying about her wife. Most of the things being said were nice, though, but as was always the case, the unpleasant things stuck in the brain the hardest.“Question number two: if Helena becomes a nurse-midwife...a job that includes getting up close and personal with other women’s vaginas as far as I know...will you get jealous?” Hawke asked and Helena sighed, then poured another splash of rum into her cola to strengthen the drink, deciding that if she was to get through this evening without cringing herself to death she’d need to get wasted.“No, I won’t get jealous unless she starts giving out gynecological exams recreationally,” Hunnigan responded, and Helena laughed. God, she loved that woman.The rest of the evening had been spent drinking and talking, Nolan taking the time to teach Leon the “rockstar pose” and the accompanying hip movements, an image which Helena was certain would haunt her mind for the rest of her life. After that, Hawke and Harding had taken it upon themselves to craft a pair of relatively fancy bridal veils from toilet paper and garbage bag, given them to Helena and Hunnigan to wear, and performed a mock wedding ceremony with Leon giving Helena away as Harding officiated and Nolan took pictures. All in all, it had been a very nice get-together, certainly more fun and intimate than a huge expensive wedding would’ve been.
After everyone had gone home, and after performing their usual evening routines, Helena settled to lay next to Hunnigan, moving to rest her head on Hunnigan’s shoulder as Hunnigan put her arm around Helena and kissed the top of her head.
“I think I’m gonna accept Shepard’s offer and take the job,” Hunnigan then said.
“Yeah?”“Well, I’m still somewhat suspicious, the job could be a ticking time bomb Shepard is offering it to me just so it won’t be in his hands when it blows...but I could be wrong. And honestly, I don’t think if I’d even know how to work anywhere else anymore, the DSO is such a big part of who I am.”“Whatever you decide to do, I’m with you,” Helena said softly.
“I’m gonna accept. It comes with a bit of a pay raise too, I figure we’re gonna need the extra money if we intend to provide a comfortable life for those five hundred babies we’re gonna have,” Hunnigan chuckled.
“I thought we were getting cats. I was already coming up with funny names for them. If we get a three-legged one we could name it Tripod. And a white cat could be Snow Bite.”
“As funny as those are, I don’t want to clean up that many litter boxes. Children learn to clean up after themselves eventually.”“I bet you can train a cat to use a toilet.”
“True, but do we really want to be the couple that potty trains cats?”“Fair point,” Helena laughed. She sought out Hunnigan’s hand and slipped her fingers between Hunnigan’s, taking a firm hold of her hand, reaching to nuzzle the side of Hunnigan’s neck.“I love you, Ingrid, and I can’t tell you how happy I am that we met. I can’t imagine my life without you,” she whispered.
“I love you too, and I feel the same way.”“What did you think of Hawke’s little analysis, do you think the stars and planets aligned the way they did just for us?” Helena then asked, her smile audible in her voice, and Hunnigan laughed a little, because it was a bit of a silly question to ask from her of all people; she was probably the last person on Earth to believe in such things. However, her reply (which was delivered with a healthy dose of good-hearted disbelieving mirth) did surprise Helena.“I suppose anything’s possible, and it is comforting to know that our love was apparently written in the stars.”***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
October, 2026.“I made it,” Helena whispered to herself, still having trouble actually believing it. The past decade she’d focused so much solely on the milestones and checkpoints she’d set for herself along the way, she could barely comprehend she’d made it to the goal. She technically still had a few weeks of school, but she already knew she’d made it.“You are looking at a licensed, independent healthcare provider, baby!” Helena announced as she entered the living room and held up the paperwork confirming this. She’d known she’d graduate, she’d planned for it and specifically had it delayed by a semester so she would have the time to deal with everything life outside of school was throwing at her, but still, it took her by surprise because she hadn’t actually believed this day would come, she’d spent such a long time telling herself that if she could just get through one more thing, it would get easier. And now it was finally getting easier. For the moment, at least.“Just don’t tell Nolan you’re allowed to write prescriptions,” Hunnigan grinned, got up and hugged Helena tightly. “I’m proud of you,” she then said and kissed Helena.
“I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”“Yeah, well, I’m forever your support agent, it’s what I do,” Hunnigan shrugged, and Helena laughed.
“And here I thought you were doing it because you’re my wife and you love me.”“No, no, being your wife means I accept being the target of any misdirected anger, and that I’m obligated to back you up when you’re making a scene and you’re super wrong.”“That almost never happens,” Helena smirked. “Jokes aside, seriously....thank you, Ingrid. Not just for this, but for...well...saving my life, figuratively and literally,” she said, becoming more serious as she took a seat on the couch, her hand in Hunnigan’s as she tugged on her gently to silently invite her to take a seat as well.
“I keep thinking about that time we got snowed in at the cabin.”
“Any particular reason?” Hunnigan inquired.“No, just...wondering sometimes. What would’ve happened if you had decided not to participate in Shepard’s ‘fun and games’. What if there hadn’t been a storm at all. Do you think we still would’ve ended up here?”
“I do,” Hunnigan nodded confidently.“How do you figure?”“Well, didn’t Hawke already tell us years ago we were meant to be,” Hunnigan grinned, and Helena rolled her eyes, perfectly aware of Hunnigan’s general skepticism toward such things. “I’ve also heard that some people believe that you will meet all the people you are meant to meet during your life. Regardless of the length of the encounter or if it’s good or bad, you’re meant to meet that person and something about that meeting changes your life or theirs in some way.”“Do you believe that?” Helena asked, leaning into Hunnigan, lifting her feet onto the couch.
“Not wholeheartedly, no; I think it’s just an attempt to insert some semblance of order in life by convincing yourself that things happen for a reason. That said, I like the idea, I like thinking that such details have meaning, it makes some things easier to accept if you can believe it was meant to happen that way,” Hunnigan said, put her arm around Helena’s shoulders and held her as she rested her head on Hunnigan’s chest.
“So, why are you so convinced we would’ve ended up together even if the circumstances had been different?” Helena asked, moving her arm across Hunnigan’s midsection and holding onto her.
“Because I’m certain that no matter what, I would not be able to keep myself from falling in love with you,” Hunnigan smiled.
“Oh, that is such a good answer,” Helena chuckled.
“So, what do you want to do to celebrate?” Hunnigan asked.
“I was thinking about doing something really wild...like, sleep.”
“Oh, wow, that is wild, good thing I didn’t plan anything like taking you out to dinner or something.”“Well, I could eat,” Helena smiled. “Actually, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you over dinner.”
“I think I already know what it is, and my answer is yes, I would be happy to go with you to see Claire about the kids she mentioned.”“Don’t give me that tone of voice, I think I had every right to assume you’d chickened out, you never spoke of it again after I brought it up originally.”
“Because when you did, we agreed to look into it after your graduation, I didn’t think there was any reason to talk about it before that,” Hunnigan reasoned.“You can just file something like that away for later and not think about it until it’s relevant?”
“I didn’t say I don’t think about it, I just don’t talk about it until it’s time to do something about it.”“I love the way your mind works, like, I am in genuine awe with you sometimes,” Helena said, and Hunnigan laughed.
“First time in my life I believe someone really does love me for my brain.”“I don’t get it,” Leon called out from the kitchen, and Helena rolled her eyes.
“What’s there to get, she’s terrified of being pregnant and I can’t get pregnant, so this seems like the obvious solution to me,” she said.“You’re barren?” he asked, and Helena scoffed.
“Reproductively challenged! And just so you know, that’s not a thing you should just ask a woman,” she told him, but Leon still had questions, the second one aimed at Hunnigan.“And you’re scared of being pregnant? Wouldn’t most women be more afraid of giving birth?” he wondered.“The last time I was pregnant, it fucked up everything in my body, but the actual moment of giving birth was quick, I barely made it off the stage before Seeley was out, almost like my vagina was damn Slip ‘N Slide. I mean, it hurt, but it was over very quickly, so I’d take that over what being pregnant did to me; being temporarily unable to walk, then there was the acne, heartburn, constipation, boob ache, back ache, everything-ache...” Hunnigan listed.“I get the picture,” Leon sighed in defeat.
“Well, frankly, the point is moot anyway, I’m forty-six years old and definitely not trying to conceive, there would need to be one hell of a divine intervention to get me pregnant,” Hunnigan commented.“You didn’t used to be this bitter, what happened to you?” Helena then teased Leon. Of all the people she hadn’t expected he would be the one who would openly be against the idea of adopting a child.
“I’m a cynical, bitter old man, that’s my thing now,” he said, bringing over a tray that had four mugs, a pot of coffee, and a container of milk on it. He placed it on the table and gestured toward it to encourage his guests to help themselves.“You can’t be a bitter old man convincingly at all, you’re too adorable,” Hunnigan shook her head as she poured herself and Helena coffee, and Leon laughed, taking a seat in the chair opposite to the couch where Helena and Hunnigan were seated.“So, what does your son think about this?” Leon then asked.Seeley had actually been almost more excited than Helena about the idea of having siblings, and he'd enthusiastically encouraged Helena and Hunnigan to get started on planning and preparing for having more children, like reminding Hunnigan about getting started on any paperwork in a very fake-nonchalant way. He'd also been the first to pack his things and get a move on when they had made the decision to move to a place that had more room for children.“He’s more than fine with the idea,” Hunnigan answered.
“So, based on your comments, I am assuming you’re against the idea of adoption?” Helena queried, and Leon shrugged one shoulder a little.Knowing everything she did about how cruel the world could be, Helena had to admit that she too had concerns about trying to raise a child. It wasn’t bad enough that there were real, literal monsters out there, other people could be even worse monsters than those. At least a zombie would just straight up try to eat you, it wouldn’t lure you into a windowless van with promises of cookies and puppies, and then sell you to the highest bidder.However, being aware of everything that was out there had never done anything to actually deter her from wanting children. At least she could say it wasn’t entirely selfish since she had no intention of having a baby of her own, on the contrary, the plan was and had always been to adopt.
“Not against it, exactly, it’s just...why would you want to adopt a teenager? They’re almost legal age already, it makes no sense to me.”“Right, right, and what happens when they age out of the system? Just because you’re eighteen and no one is legally required to look after you anymore doesn’t mean you stop needing a family,” Hunnigan told him, and Helena smiled a little as she glanced at her wife, feeling herself fall in love with Hunnigan all over again for the millionth time just this year.
“...you have a point,” Leon mumbled, and sipped his coffee.“Here we are,” Claire Redfield announced as she entered the living room, holding up a folder triumphantly
above her head. She went to sit between Helena and Hunnigan, placed the folder on the coffee table and opened it, slipping her glasses from her forehead to her nose.“These are the girls I told you about, they’ve been waiting to be adopted for a while now, most people don’t want to adopt both siblings,” Claire explained, and Helena took that to mean that people would’ve been happy to adopt the younger sister but no one wanted the teenager, and the people at TerraSave hadn’t wanted to separate the sisters either, not yet anyway; perhaps if they needed to make room for new arrivals that might become a problem. Helena was hoping that by the time that would become an issue, the girls would already have a home with her and Hunnigan.“The six year old’s name is Robin,” Claire introduced that blonde little girl in the photo. “One thing you should know about her is that she can be indiscriminately affectionate, she’s likely to hug you and tell you she loves you after having known you for ten seconds, according to the shrink, that’s how she copes with the trauma of having been deprived affection as a child,” Claire continued, shifting her attention to the older sister then, a fourteen year old with auburn hair, a somewhat square jaw, and hazel eyes.“Avery is more to the opposite, she’s not quick to trust, and she’s extremely protective of her sister, which, uh...has led to some problems,” Claire trailed off.“She stabbed a TerraSave member with a pen because she saw Robin hugging him, and assumed he was about to take her away or do something bad,” Leon elaborated and Claire looked like she would’ve kicked him in the shin had she been able to do so discreetly under the table. Leon noticed the look too, and that only fueled his fire.“What, you don’t want me to tell them about that? This is just another reason I don’t think it’s a good idea to adopt older kids, you never know what kind of disorders they have until they’re living with you, you could end up adopting an arsonist, or an axe murderer, or...or...”“A Kennedy?” Hunnigan interjected, and Helena snorted.“It’s gotta be considered,” Leon smirked.“As crude as his words are, Leon is not entirely wrong; caring for children isn’t TerraSave’s bread and butter, we try to find homes for them as best we can since we can only offer temporary housing until social services can take over, we have a psychologist who interviews the children, but time and resources are limited, there is only so much we can do,” Claire admitted.
“Look, as long as there’s no history of actually harming others for the fun of it, I don’t see this as a problem,” Helena said.“Well, you would excuse stabbing someone with a pen,” Leon snorted into his coffee mug, and Helena narrowed her eyes at him, but considering her personal history, she had to admit he wasn’t wrong.“Avery was protecting her overly trusting little sister from an unknown man, if that isn’t a valid excuse for stabbing someone with a pen in your books, then I suggest you re-evaluate some things,” Hunnigan said and Helena’s eyebrows rose at that.
Hunnigan had a knack for still finding ways to surprise her. Of course she knew that generally, Hunnigan was on her side by default, but Helena still wasn’t used to people taking her side, not even when the person taking her side was her wife. Sometimes she wondered if she’d ever get to a point in her life when she’d stop assuming she was on her own. So far it seemed she still had a ways to go.“Excuse me, darling,” Helena said then, took the glasses from Hunnigan’s face and put them on her own to be able to read the file Claire had presented them.
“Really, Helena? Really?” Hunnigan sighed, and Leon laughed.The girls' mother had been a doctor and their father a cello player in the Anchorage symphony orchestra, they'd died roughly nine months ago because the mother had gotten infected when a group of people infected with a then-unknown deadly virus had gone to the hospital where the mother had worked. Fortunately for the girls, she hadn't had a chance to make contact with them after becoming infected, but her husband hadn't been that lucky because he'd met her for lunch after the fact. They had no living relatives that anyone had been able to find at least, so TerraSave had taken them in.All that because people had been overworked to exhaustion which had made it so that some of the most basic security measures had not been taken simply because tired people don't think straight. Either that or it was just stupid carelessness, but Helena doubted that anyone who would even be careless about such things would be allowed to work on the field.To this day Leon, Hunnigan, Claire, and various others were still looking for who was responsible for creating the virus which had caused the deaths of these girls' parents and many more after them, and while no one had officially claimed responsibility, it didn't take too many guesses to figure out the roots and origins of these things, at least not if you had worked in anti-bioterrorism for more than five minutes. They had no definite idea of what the motive was, though. If it were an act of terror, it made no sense that no one had claimed responsibility.Helena had suggested it was perhaps instead another case of an outbreak engineered by a pharmaceutical company to test their virus because if you wanted to sell a vaccine, you needed a disease first. In a couple of years the pandemic would run its course to be replaced with something else, like it always did. But in the meanwhile a fraction of people would have access to a vaccine, the others would be left to fight for scraps or die, and in the middle of it all, a small window for the entity in charge of creating the disease and the vaccine stood to make billions by squeezing out everything they could from countries full of people growing scared, angry and frustrated while desperately waiting for everything to go back to “normal”, blissfully ignorant to the fact that normal as they had known it had stopped existing ages ago.But, whatever the normal was now, Helena wanted to do anything she could to help make sure that at least these two girls would have a shot at having a normal, loving home. A place of warmth, comfort, trust, and love, a home she wished she could’ve had a child instead of growing up walking on eggshells and afraid of doing anything to infuriate the woman who was supposed to nurture her and care for her but had done nothing of the sort.“So, what do you think? Should I set up a meeting?” Claire broke the silence. Helena glanced at Hunnigan, silently asking for her confirmation once more, before finally giving Claire an affirmative nod.Helena wasn’t sure if Robin was holding onto Avery’s hand, or if it was Avery who was holding onto Robin’s for emotional support as the girls entered the house, both taking slow steps as if they were expecting something to jump out at them.“Are we gonna stay here?” Robin asked her sister, both of them looking around as they toured the house. Hunnigan would’ve settled for an apartment, but a proper house with a decent yard was something Helena had insisted on. It had a front porch, a large fenced backyard, four bedrooms (the master bedroom on the third floor with its own separate bathroom and large alcove almost made the room feel like a studio apartment rather than a room, so in essence Hunnigan did kind of get her wish of having an apartment), and plenty of space.
It had cost way too much, but for once Helena had not felt too bad when Hunnigan had told her not to worry about money, which was what she always said about everything, and Helena still didn’t know what exactly Hunnigan did that paid so well, and honestly, she didn’t want to know, but she did suspect it involved exchanging favors with Isabela; Hunnigan had grown less idealistic and more realistic during the past decade, accepting that if she intended to get what she wanted in life, she had to take it and be willing to give up naive illusions of fairness in life.Helena had noticed the hardening in her, but she hadn’t known what to do about it, she still didn’t. Maybe once things settled down a little, Hunnigan could afford to leave her job at the DSO. Wishful thinking, Helena supposed, because even if it weren’t about the money, she doubted Hunnigan would want to leave. But she kept hoping that one day she would actually retire. An impossible thought currently, she knew.“We would love it if you would like to stay,” Helena said.
“Do you wanna see your rooms?” Hunnigan asked.“Hey!” Seeley called out as he got out of the car, Major giving a wave from the driver’s seat before driving away after dropping Seeley off. “Sorry I’m late, he had a thing,” Seeley said poking his thumb over his shoulder to indicate Major as he jogged up the driveway and stopped to kiss his mother on the cheek.“It’s all right, we just got here too,” Helena assured.He introduced himself to the girls and told them he’d love to be their big brother if they’d have him, and Helena smiled. He was a good kid. Robin reached to grab his hand into her own as they headed upstairs to check out the girls’ rooms.
“Oh, nice! May I?” Avery asked when they returned downstairs after a while, and she noticed the piano in the living room.It had been an extravagant and completely unnecessary and ridiculous housewarming gift from Nolan. He’d also made a point to leave some sheet music on it just to tease his sister. Hunnigan knew how to play a little, but her reading sheet music was like a child reading a complex book; she could technically manage but it took a lot of effort.Helena knew how to play even less, she liked messing around occasionally, but she didn’t know how to actually play anything. Hunnigan had tried teaching her to play the guitar, and Helena had learned “enough chords to play in a punk band”, whatever that meant, but it wasn’t something she cared to keep up with. Plus, it made her fingers sore.Avery took a seat at the piano and placed her fingers on the keys, reading off the piece of sheet music Nolan had left on the stand.
Wow, Helena mouthed to Hunnigan who blinked in surprise when Avery began to play what according to the title on the sheet music was “Dance of the little swans” from Tchaikovsky’s “Swan lake”.“Well, Nolan will be happy to finally have someone who shares his passion for the piano. Uh, if you decide to stay, of course,” Hunnigan smiled.
“So, what do you think, Robin?” Avery asked, turning around in the seat and looking at her sister who was still holding onto Seeley’s hand, smiling widely.
“I wanna stay,” she said in a loud stage whisper, and Helena chuckled quietly at that.
“Yeah. Yeah, I wanna stay too,” Avery finally smiled as well.“Are you going to stand there the whole night?” Hunnigan asked quietly from Helena who was still at the door, staring into Robin’s room as the girl slept.
“I’m just scared that if I look away, it all just disappears.”“Nothing is going to disappear,” Hunnigan assured, put her arm around Helena’s waist and held her close
“It used to. Before you came into my life and made the happiness permanent anyway,” Helena smiled.“Come on, let’s go to bed. The girls will still be here in the morning, just like they have been for the past three weeks,” Hunnigan said, kissed Helena’s temple and gently tugged on her.
“Oh, wait, I have to check something,” Helena said and headed outside to the porch. Hunnigan frowned as she watched her wife kneel down and dig around the evergreens planted in the pots that decorated the porch. She then pulled something out and returned to the house.
“What’s that?” Hunnigan asked as Helena unfurled the rolled up piece of paper.
“Seeley said he’d told Robin to write up a list of what she wants for Christmas and leave it on the porch for the elves to find and deliver to Santa,” Helena explained.“Christmas? We haven’t even made it past Halloween yet!” Hunnigan exclaimed.
Seeley truly had taken after his father when it came to Christmas. Back when she’d still been married to Major, Hunnigan had needed to literally hide the Christmas decorations unless she wanted him to prematurely decorate the house. Sometimes he’d literally wait until midnight so that when it officially became November, he could immediately start putting up the Christmas decorations. It was ridiculous, but endearing in its own way, she supposed.
“Don’t look at me, I’m not responsible for any of this,” Helena said and reached to grab the glasses from Hunnigan’s face and proceeded to put them on.
“You really need to get glasses,” Hunnigan sighed, never having understood why Helena kept arguing she didn’t need reading glasses when she clearly did.“I just did,” Helena responded.
“Glasses of your own, smartass.”“Why would I do that when I can just borrow yours?”
“Because I need mine!”“Well, then that sounds to me like you’re the one who needs to get glasses,” Helena smiled, so smug and proud of herself, and Hunnigan laughed.
“You’re a loony,” she whispered and kissed her. “So, what does Robin want from Santa?”“Uh...an ice cream machine.”
“Really? Well, that could be fun.”“I think she means like one of those big soft serve ice cream machines, she might be under the impression that they just magically give you as much ice cream as you want,” Helena laughed gently.
“You realize what this means, don’t you?”“...I hate to say it, but I have no idea,” Helena admitted.
“We have to get one and make sure there’s always ice cream ready when she wants it but we gotta prepare it secretly so she won’t know it’s not a magical machine.”“Darling, I love that idea, but I don’t think it’s possible to pull that off.”.
“Fine, we’ll just get the machine. Not the big one from McDonald’s, one of the tiny ones.”“The one at McDonald’s always broke anyway,” Helena smirked.
“I read somewhere that they’re rarely actually broken, they are just a pain in the ass to operate and clean, so people might tell you it’s broken when it’s not. I also read that they’re almost never properly cleaned, so if they don’t give you a shake, they’re doing you a favor.”“Don’t tell me things like that, now I’ll never be able to get a shake without thinking about that!”
“Well, I read it online over a decade ago, so it might not be true anymore if it ever was in the first place.”“Doesn’t matter, that’s already in my head!” Helena complained.
“Now we really have to get the machine then,” Hunnigan chuckled.
They went to bed, Hunnigan having already managed to doze off when Helena’s phone made a noise on the bedside table. Grumbling in annoyance, she picked it up and opened the message she’d received.
“Hah, look at that,” she then chuckled and turned the screen toward Hunnigan. She squinted at the brightness of it and blinked rapidly for a moment to be able to see properly. She was looking at a message from Hawke, it contained a series of pictures of Hawke and Harding’s adventures in Las Vegas, the last picture of the set from what appeared to be a wedding chapel, the guests consisting of various celebrity-impersonators (mostly Elvis).“A wedding in Vegas, officiated by a Dolly Parton-lookalike is somehow so Hawke I can’t even say how like Hawke it is,” Hunnigan laughed.
“Agreed, I’m just amazed Harding agreed to it.”“I’m still trying to wrap my head around Harding and Hawke even being a couple,” Hunnigan shook her head.
“It’s been two years, you have to accept that your loremaster now has a real life.”“I will never recover, you can’t seriously expect me to keep track of my own campaign myself !” Hunnigan scoffed in disbelief, and Helena laughed.
“Well, maybe if you didn’t write such complicated stories keeping track of it all wouldn’t be an issue...”“Honey, I assure you, I haven’t had any control over the world of Eisix in decades, which is why Harding and her assistance are crucial.”
“I don’t understand how you can lose control of it, you’re the creator, it’s your story, shouldn’t it go how you want it to go?” Helena frowned, and Hunnigan laughed heartily for a long moment before taking a deep breath and blowing it out.“Ahhh, clearly you’ve never dabbled in creative writing,” she smiled. “Now, message Hawke and tell her to return my loremaster in one piece and let's go to sleep, we have a busy day tomorrow,” she then said.
She’d already promised the girls and Seeley that they’d take the Friday off and spend a long weekend in New York, dropping in to visit Isabela and Garrett to introduce the girls, but mostly the plan was to have fun and spend time together as a family.“We’re gonna spoil the hell out of those kids, aren’t we?” Helena chuckled as she lay back down, resting her head on Hunnigan’s shoulder.
“Most definitely,” she confirmed with a smile, kissed Helena forehead and closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep shortly after.***
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
December 2036, snowy cabin in the woods. For the past two decades or so, whenever possible, Helena and Hunnigan had come here to celebrate the anniversary of the event that had changed their lives, the day they had gotten snowed in together in this very cabin. While they hadn’t gotten stuck in the cabin since the first time, the winters here were still cold and snowy, perfect for sitting in front of the fire cuddled up together wrapped in a thick blanket.
Helena looked at her phone, and told Hunnigan that Seeley was video calling them.
He had promised to go over to keep company to Robin who had been left alone at home. She hardly needed a babysitter, but Hunnigan hadn’t felt comfortable leaving a sixteen year old alone in the house for the weekend. Not that she didn’t trust Robin, but at the same time, what kid wasn’t tempted to have a party when they knew their parents were going to be away for a few days? Which was where Seeley came into the picture.He’d proven to be a responsible and mature young man, and therefore one of the few people Helena and Hunnigan trusted to keep an eye out. He was soon to graduate from law school and start learning the ropes from Isabela (who had told Hunnigan she planned to groom the young man into being her successor at the firm since it seemed that at 71 years of age, Isabela had finally agreed to start seriously considering retiring), he seemed to actually appreciate the “babysitting” gig.“Grandma said she’s gonna let me take care of a pro bono-case for her, I’m kinda nervous about it because I’m still in law school, so it’s good to take a break and think about something else for a while.”
“I’m sure she wouldn’t have asked you if you weren’t ready,” Hunnigan commented.“That’s what I thought until I asked her if she thought I was ready to handle my own case, and she literally said ‘God no, I just don’t care how this turns out’, so that was comforting,” Seeley chuckled.
“Yup, that sounds like her all right,” Hunnigan sighed. “Honey, you’re going to be fine, you’re too hard on yourself, and despite what Isabela says, I honestly don’t believe she would give you more than you can handle.”“I know, I know, thanks, mom,” he smirked.
“What are you guys planning to do?” Hunnigan changed the subject.“We’re gonna watch Christmas movies after Robin finishes her book report!” Seeley said sternly, turning the camera toward Robin who sat at the dinner table with a copy of Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest and an open laptop.
“I’m doing it! God!” the girl rolled her eyes at her brother, then turned her attention to the red pitbull that sat by her chair, looking up at her, expecting a treat because that was the norm when the girl sat at the table. Robin didn’t have any treats to offer, but she did give the dog a few gentle pats on the head.The red pitbull named Charlie Two had been a member of their family for roughly a year now, it had taken everyone a long time to recover from the passing of Junkhouse-Charlie, understandably Helena had taken it the hardest. He’d passed away in his sleep at the age of seventeen, and while it hadn’t come as a complete surprise considering he’d been older than the average dog of his breed would live to be, knowing to expect it hadn’t made it hurt less. It had taken over four years for Hunnigan to convince Helena to adopt another dog, and even then it had taken a while before Helena had finally opened her heart completely to the sweet hearted pitbull; nowadays she was the first to dote over the dog.Helena chuckled at Seeley’s remark about Robin’s book report and mentally wished him good luck. Robin wasn’t exactly a straight-A student, but she wasn’t terrible at school either, she just lacked the interest in most subjects. Interest and the time; most of her time was spent at tennis practice, then at baseball practice, and basketball practice.
While Helena wasn’t one to discourage Robin from playing as many sports as she wanted, she was hoping the girl would soon decide what she wanted to be when she grew up, and pick her backup plan because unless she actually managed to pull off her dream of becoming as successful at tennis as the Williams sisters, she would need a “real” career to fall back on. Then again, Helena knew she wasn’t in a position to criticize, she hadn’t figured out what she wanted to do with her life until her mid-twenties, so perhaps simply waiting and giving Robin time and peace to find her own path would be the least stressful way of dealing with this for everyone.“And there’s Avery,” Hunnigan said after saying bye to Robin and Seeley and ending the call, noticing then the message she’d received during the call.
“Uh-huh, yup, there she is,” Helena said, squinting at the screen Hunnigan was showing to her, and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.“You wouldn’t have to squint if you’d just wear your glasses,” she pointed out and Helena scoffed.“I don’t understand what the hell was nature intending when it decided we should start falling apart as we age. I get that we can’t just keep going but what the hell is the point of having me lose my eyesight. I’m forty-seven and suddenly I can’t see, that is such bullshit.”“Again, you could see if”—
“Glasses are your thing, we can’t both wear glasses,” Helena interrupted, and Hunnigan laughed softly.
“You’ve got some weird hang-ups, babe.”“I know,” Helena smirked. “Also, I forgot to bring my glasses because I’m not used to needing them,” she finally admitted sheepishly, and Hunnigan sighed, handing over her glasses (the prescription wasn’t an exact match but they worked in a pinch) so that Helena could see the message on her phone.It was from Nolan who had taken a selfie in front of his large mixing console, Avery standing in the background, behind a large window that gave a view to the recording booth where the young woman was delivering what appeared to be a very dramatic piece of dialogue. After discovering she had a talent for making voices, Nolan had insisted he gets to put her through some acting classes and take her to auditions, and Avery had jumped at the chance because why not, she’d just graduated from college and wasn’t sure what she wanted to do next, she’d majored in psychology but wasn’t sure she wanted to do it all day every day just yet, so it made sense to take time and see if voice acting would pan out (and Helena was certain that it would because Nolan hadn’t become as successful as he was by scouting duds).Overall, Helena dared to say she and Hunnigan had done a good job raising their family (despite Leon’s pessimistic predictions of them ending up getting locked in for a lifetime of parole hearings and psychological evaluations if they adopted kids TerraSave had rescued).Seeley’s puberty had been rather uneventful as far as those went, he’d had his outbursts and moments of screaming “I hate you” followed by repeatedly slamming doors like any other kid, but never anything that had ended in actually damaging his relationship with his parents or siblings.Avery had barely had a puberty because by the time she’d come into their lives, she’d already had to grow up and be the protective big sister; Helena knew exactly what kind of a tragedy having your childhood robbed from you could be, and she liked to think she’d managed to be at least of some help navigating the aftermath of that experience.And as prone to eyerolling and ignoring her schoolwork as Robin was, she wasn’t easily embarrassed and actually talked to her parents if something was bothering her rather than acknowledging the offer with a “yeah yeah” and never telling what was wrong, which had helped dealing with whatever monkey wrenches puberty was throwing in the gears that were her life.Helena also wasn’t above bragging about the fact that they’d never been called to the principal’s office because their kids had caused trouble, this was something she’d made a point of repeatedly telling Leon just to really rub it in and shame him for his negative statements. For the first five years or so he’d just rolled his eyes and made a frustrated grunt when she’d done it, lately he’d begun to just hug her when she did that, because he was convinced she wouldn’t like being hugged by him. She actually didn’t mind, but she never told him as much.Once they had responded to everyone to let them know everything was all right on their end as well, Helena and Hunnigan cuddled up together on the couch, the cabin illuminated by the gentle orange glowing embers in the fireplace and candlelight.
“I love you, Mrs. Del Rey,” Helena smiled as she leaned into Hunnigan whose arm was around Helena’s shoulders.
“Right back at you, Mrs. Del Rey,” Hunnigan responded with a chuckle and kissed the top of Helena’s head.
Calling Helena “Mrs. Del Rey” had become somewhat of an inside joke that was not exactly amusing unless you knew how much time and effort initially had been put into hiding Helena’s identity from Hunnigan’s fans who made up in passion and curiosity what they lacked in numbers (Helena would never forget the time they’d been grocery shopping and the cashier had literally screamed when she’d looked up and recognized Hunnigan).Helena had rather quickly grown tired of not being able to publicly kiss her wife in case someone saw and figured it out, and thus Lee’s mysterious wife Jean had stopped existing and Helena had taken her place. Following that, Helena had dropped her middle name completely and had begun using her maiden name in its place, and so she had become Mrs. Helena Harper Del Rey.“Can I tell you something weird?”
“I demand you tell me everything weird,” Hunnigan said, and Helena smiled.“Sometimes I feel almost guilty about us being such a happy couple when others generally aren’t.”“Who’s unhappy? Harding’s still putting up with Hawke’s jokes, Marisha hasn’t murdered Nolan in his sleep, Claire still tolerates Leon, and Josephine enjoys premature Christmas decorating with Major...Seeley’s relationship with Emily is fine as far as I know, and the girls don't have boyfriends, do they?”"No, especially Avery."
"What does that mean?" Hunnigan frowned.“Honey, Avery’s a lesbian.”
“Really? Why didn’t I know that?”“Because you never noticed how much the topic of hot guys bores her and how she looks at other women,” Helena said.
“Ah, so she hasn’t actually told you that she’s a lesbian...”“She doesn’t need to tell me, takes one to know one, and all that.”
“All right,” Hunnigan let it go with a chuckle. “You still haven’t told me what you meant, it’s not like we’re the only happy couple around, and we’ve had our spats.”“I know, but overall I think we’re better than everyone else,” Helena said, and Hunnigan laughed, hugging Helena to herself tightly.
“It’s because we actually talk to each other, and we do it rather frankly; I bet a lot of relationships would fare better if the couple in question just had the guts to tell each other what they really want.”“That would put a lot of marriage counselors out of business, we can’t have that,” Helena joked. “But what I’m saying is, sometimes I listen to my colleagues talk about their significant others, and the way they talk, I don’t understand why they’re even together; it has never even crossed my mind to talk about you the way these people talk about their partners, it makes no sense to me.”“Oh, come on, you’ve never wanted to tell someone your wife’s a total bitch?”“Never, and that’s what earns me the eye rolling and scoffing; someone will finish saying something derogatory about their wife and then look at me like they’re expecting me to join in and share something, and I’ve got nothing to say because I fucking love you, even when we’re arguing.”“So, what do you say to your colleagues when this stuff happens?” Hunnigan inquired.
“I usually just go ‘oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were forced into marriage’, or some version of that, it usually shuts them up,” Helena grinned, and Hunnigan laughed.
“That’s my girl,” she said and kissed the top of Helena’s head. “Oh, I almost forgot. I have a present for you,” Hunnigan then said and stood up. She dug around her backpack for a moment and pulled out a book titled “White darkness”, authored by none other than Ingrid Del Rey.“What’s this?” Helena asked in surprise.“Well, remember when forever ago you said there are no good lesbian romance novels, and I made a bet that I could find one for you, and you agreed saying that if I found you a good lesbian romance novel, you would learn to be kinder to yourself?” Hunnigan began her explanation, and Helena nodded a little, recalling very, very vaguely a conversation alluding to that. “I kind of forgot about it, and life happened, so I kept forgetting it, until I didn’t, but instead of looking, I just decided to write you one myself,” Hunnigan continued.“You—you wrote me a book?” Helena’s eyebrows shot up.
“Uh-huh,” Hunnigan nodded with a smile, “no spoilers, but it’s pretty good.”“Now I’m conflicted because I kinda wanna read it right now but I also want to just spend time with you,” Helena said.
“Well, then, isn’t it a shame someone forgot to bring her glasses,” Hunnigan teased, took off her glasses and dangled them in the crook of her index finger.“Now that’s just cruel,” Helena pouted, took the glasses from Hunnigan and then turned the book in her hands to read the synopsis on the back cover.
The story took place in the world of Eisix which was where Hunnigan and Harding’s Dungeons&Dragons -campaigns took place. The book featured the story of a fallen aasimar barbarian named Cassio and her love interest, a tiefling rogue named Eris, and how they would need to navigate their relationship while trying to save the world from inevitable doom.“I promise you don’t have to know anything about the game to be able to read the book.”
“And here I thought I would need to roll a natural twenty before I’m allowed to turn the page,” Helena teased, and Hunnigan chuckled.“Well, it would certainly ensure the book lasts you a while,” she said. “But, as I said, it’s not necessary, it’s just set in that world because it’s easier for me to write that, and everything that needs explaining is explained,” she then added.“I get it, and I’ve watched you guys play enough to know a thing or two, and if I don’t, I’ll just ask you,” Helena smiled.
She had even played a couple of times herself, but there were too many little rules and details for her to get into the game seriously. Instead, she’d played the so-called kids’ version of it; it had been Nolan who had come up with the idea for Seeley’s eighth birthday party. They had run a simple game with a very thin plot and less rules, focusing more on the fun of roleplaying. During the party, the kids had sailed a boat to an unknown island where they’d been rockstars playing a gig inside an active volcano, in their minds. It had been quite a hit, and afterward they’d wanted to come around all the time to play.Later they’d repeated the idea during Robin’s birthday parties when she’d been little, and once more it had been a good idea. Unfortunately, Hunnigan had even less time to play the game master now than she’d had before, which made it impossible to play as often as everyone would’ve liked, until Avery took over. It was then that Nolan had overheard her do voices for the characters she played, and decided to suggest to her she try her hand at voice acting.“Is this like a real book that’s available for sale and everything?” Helena asked.
“Nope, it’s just for you. Well, and for a few select players of the game because there was a ten book-minimum at the printer’s,” Hunnigan grinned.“Thank you, my love. This is...amazing, you’ve put so much work into this, I wish I had something as impressive to give you in return,” Helena said, reaching to gently kiss Hunnigan.
“Well, I mean, there is one thing you could give in return...you could say ‘all right’ if I were to ask you to stop going away with TerraSave on these campaigns that last for half a year, but that would be incredibly selfish of me, haha, unless...?” Hunnigan trailed off after breaking the kiss, and Helena smirked a little.
“I’ve only gone three times in the past five years, and I’ve only been gone for three months at a time, and don’t act like we don’t talk all the time on the phone or online even when I’m out in the field,” she corrected.
Helena hadn’t even realized people in her profession were sorely needed in areas where TerraSave worked with other organisations such as Doctors without borders, but upon overhearing Claire mention it, she’d tripped over herself to volunteer. Hunnigan hadn’t been exactly thrilled about it, especially because Helena had failed to mention it to her at all before volunteering. But, she hadn’t been upset for long, she understood Helena’s desire to help, and had promised to support her decision to join TerraSave’s volunteer group.
“Still. I hate having to let you go.”
“But think how happy it makes you when I come back, though,” Helena pointed out.“Good point,” Hunnigan nodded, pursing her lips as she thought about it.
“And don’t even try to tell me you don’t enjoy having time to yourself and your projects, you’ve had the time and peace to write so many songs even Nolan doesn’t know what to do with them all,” Helena then added as she got up and went to the fireplace.“Yeah, but only because when you’re away I regress into an angsty teenager who has a compulsion to write bad poetry,” Hunnigan joked.“It paid for Avery’s college, if Robin ever decides to go to college, we’ll need you at your angstiest,” Helena said over her shoulder as she poked at the burning wood and embers to shift them around a little before adding more wood to the fire.
The cabin was warm but it was also rather drafty, and kneeling down she could easily feel the cool air gently flowing at the floor. It was windy outside, the force of it turning the falling snow into blurry white streaks in the low illumination of the lamps around the cabin. The night would be cold and the cabin would chill noticeably too when the fire went out and the draft would steal the majority of whatever heat the fireplace managed to reserve.“Good point, and who knows, if we have more kids, we’re gonna need another college fund,” Hunnigan smirked.
“More kids? Really?”“Well, we are getting a bit long in the tooth for babies, but...” Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder.
“Now you want a baby?” Helena teased.“Not realistic, I know, even if there’s no law saying we are too old, I think it would be a little unfair to a baby, I mean, I’d be pushing eighty when that baby is old enough to drink, but I do sometimes think about it.”
“Yeah, which is why women our age are usually grandmas,” Helena smirked.“...oh, my God. I had genuinely forgotten about that.”
“You forgot that grandparents exist?” Helena frowned.“No, I just completely forgot that we could become grandmothers!” Hunnigan laughed in disbelief at herself.
“Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but I’m pretty sure it’s gonna happen soon,” Helena said slowly, and Hunnigan’s sputtering laughter slowly quieted down.“What do you mean?” she asked, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes and sniffling a little.
“I’m not entirely certain, so don’t say anything to Seeley, but...” Helena trailed off
“Emily’s pregnant?” Hunnigan’s eyes grew wide. “How do you know?” she then frowned, and Helena didn’t really have an explanation for it exactly, other than making an outrageous claim of how having spent the majority of the past years working with pregnant women had bestowed upon her a superpower or a sixth sense about these things, and the last time she’d met Seeley’s fiancée, Helena’s “pregnant woman”-sense had been tingling something crazy.“Because at Thanksgiving, she was constantly doing this,” Helena said and proceeded to repeatedly tug on the lower half of her T-shirt, then fiddled with the front panels of her flannel shirt, pulling them over her stomach and straightening her back in an attempt to reduce any visible roundness around her abdomen.
“Oh, my God, you’re right, she did act like she was trying to hide her belly, but I just thought she was wearing an ill-fitting shirt, you know how she puts fashion over comfort,” Hunnigan said, and Helena chuckled.She did know, she could clearly hear Emily's voice in her ears when she thought back to the time Seeley had brought her with him to one of Nolan’s many celebrations, and the young woman had looked around and said “Ugh, so many crimes of fashion”. That said,
it wasn’t shirts and dresses that Emily adored as much as it was shoes. According to her, it was perfectly justifiable to spend over seven hundred dollars on a pair of boots because “feet are what hold us up, and they deserve nice shoes”.
Unsurprisingly Helena and Hunnigan (especially Hunnigan) had had some reservations about her because when Emily had met Seeley five years ago, he had been going through his “obnoxious rich boy”-phase thanks to having gained access to the trust fund Isabela had set up for him, showing off like a twenty year old boy would show off having money; fancy car, fancy clothes, an entourage of “friends” who knew nothing of him but liked the fact that he was always willing to pay for the drinks.Knowing Emily had an expensive taste had raised the concern that perhaps she was only interested in Seeley because of his money just like these so-called friends of his were. To Helena and Hunnigan’s surprise, it had been Emily who had gotten Seeley to stop acting like an annoying rich brat by straight up telling him how disgusting she found such behavior, and she had made it clear she wanted nothing from him, least of all his money; she had her own money and she’d humbled Seeley by letting him (and anyone else within hearing distance) know that unlike him, she’d earned hers rather than had it handed to her by grandma. Seeley had later said that moment of being humiliated at a club by the unimpressed bartender was the moment he had fallen in love with her, even if it had taken him months to work up the courage to tell it to her.“I know, and I could be wrong, but, you know. Don’t tell Seeley, he might not know yet either.”
“Of course I won’t tell, it’s Emily’s business to tell him, and then they’ll tell us when they’re ready,” Hunnigan said as Helena went back to the couch.Hunnigan lifted her arm to offer Helena her spot by her side, and then winced a little, sucking in a hissing breath through her teeth.“The shoulder?” Helena asked.
“Uh-huh,” Hunnigan confirmed with a nod as she rolled the shoulder a little and stretched her arm out in an attempt to dispel the pain.“Can I do anything to help?”
“No, it’ll be okay, but thanks for asking,” Hunnigan smiled, and raised the other arm instead, and Helena switched to that side, cuddling up against Hunnigan.“You could take ibuprofen,” she said, and Hunnigan sighed a little.
“I know, I know, but it’s not that bad, I’d rather not take it unless I absolutely need to.”“All right,” Helena let it go.She knew Hunnigan was anything but proud of her little brush with opioid addiction a few years back, and she knew that at the same time Hunnigan was too proud to talk about having slipped down that particular slippery slope, and thus the topic was not something she wished to be reminded of; Hunnigan had been embarrassed, mortified even because she’d thought that she of all people should’ve known better than to do something as stupid as get addicted to painkillers.
Helena wished she would’ve been able to convince Hunnigan that there really wasn’t anything too out of the ordinary about what had happened, many people had grown accustomed to taking heavy painkillers for whatever ailed them without realizing they had an addiction until they tried to quit, and Hunnigan too was only human and thus just as susceptible to such things.
What really got under Hunnigan’s skin about it was that it had been Nolan of all people who had realized what was going on. To his credit, though, he hadn’t teased her about it anywhere near as much as he could’ve, instead he’d been there for her when Hunnigan had quit cold turkey. Nolan had figuratively and literally held her hand through the detox, and bore the brunt of her misdirected anger, for which Helena was eternally grateful because having Hunnigan lash out at her for refusing to write a prescription once was enough.To Hunnigan’s credit, that moment had been, for her too, when she’d seemed to realize just how bad the situation had gotten, and perhaps reminding herself of it was how she willed herself to stay away from anything stronger than ibuprofen or aspirin.
“I detest getting older. Everything’s breaking and falling apart,” Hunnigan sighed, and Helena held onto her tighter.
“I hear that, I don’t relish having to take a handful of supplements and beta-blockers before breakfast any more than you do, but that’s life. And frankly, as much as I dislike getting old and fat, I wouldn’t want to be twenty again,” Helena smirked.“Really? I’d kill to be forty again,” Hunnigan said, and Helena chortled.
“Yes, really, because as you might recall, I was unhappy to the point of being literally suicidal in my twenties, so yeah, I’d much rather be pushing fifty and happily here with you,” she said.“Well, when you put it like that, how am I supposed to keep whining about being old?” Hunnigan jokingly complained, and Helena laughed.“And for the record, you’re not fat,” Hunnigan then added, and Helena blew out a raspberry at the comment. She knew she wasn’t fat-fat, but she wasn’t delusional enough to ignore the fact that she was at least thirty-five pounds overweight, and the older she got, the more difficult it was becoming to get rid of it.“Besides, I like that you’ve put on weight, I happen to think you have the ideal female body, and I don’t understand your obsession with your weight, why do you need to be thin?” Hunnigan frowned.
“Because I’m a woman who is alive,” Helena replied, “and you’re not allowed to talk, you’re thin.”“Yes, and if I’m not having a hot flash, I’m cold all the time, so hush, and learn to appreciate yourself, you promised you would if I got you a good lesbian romance novel,” Hunnigan reminded her.
“Oh, shit, that’s right,” Helena chuckled.
“Good, that’s settled then. Now, get over here and help me warm up,” Hunnigan smiled and leaned in to initiate a long, soft kiss. After several minutes of gentle kissing and caressing, Helena paused, resting her forehead against Hunnigan’s, her hand on the back of Hunnigan’s neck.
“Ingrid...” she breathed, tilting her head back a little to be able to look into her eyes, “make love to me.”Wood popped and shifted in the fireplace, the low hum of the flames soon accompanied by soft moans, whispered words of love, and promises of everlasting affection.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hunnigan was the first to wake up, her arms still very firmly around Helena who was her little spoon. Were it not for the dull ache brewing in her shoulder, Hunnigan wouldn’t have moved, but she reluctantly began to slowly pull her arm back. As she turned to lay on her back, Helena also rolled over and moved her arm over Hunnigan’s midsection, then moved her leg over Hunnigan’s waist, nuzzling into the side of her neck.
“Good morning, my love,” Hunnigan whispered, and Helena mumbled something similar in response. Hunnigan remained still for a while longer, waiting to see if Helena would wake up or sleep in, and Helena apparently chose to sleep in. Hunnigan slowly and quietly got out of bed, made sure Helena had the blanket on her and tucked her in to ensure she wouldn’t get cold, and then exited the small bedroom.She took a quick shower —or, being quick about it had been her intention, but she did end up running through all the hot water.
Good thing Helena’s still asleep, gives the water heater time to work, Hunnigan mused as she put on her bathrobe and went to light the wood stove so that she could get started on breakfast. She made the batter for the crêpes and let it sit while she got dressed and went around the room, lighting what remained of the candles for some extra light because while it wasn’t entirely dark outside anymore, everything was a shade of dark blue rather than well-lit.She’d just finished cooking the first crêpe when Helena emerged from the bedroom and came to the kitchen, pausing to hug Hunnigan tightly from behind for a long moment before scuffing over to the bathroom. Hunnigan smiled quietly at the sleepy woman and poured a thin layer of batter onto the cast iron skillet to make the second crêpe of the batch.
Once Helena had also managed to take a quick shower, they sat down to eat breakfast and checked in with the kids. After it was confirmed that everything was all right in the world, Hunnigan ushered Helena over to the couch and went to unlock the case that held her acoustic guitar.
She’d been meaning to play for Helena last night but they had gotten pleasantly distracted before she’d had a chance.
“This is something you would’ve inspired me to write if Johnny Cash and Jewel hadn’t already written it,” Hunnigan said with a grin, took a seat on a chair opposite to the couch, and Helena smiled, leaning back on the couch as Hunnigan picked the strings through the intro of “Body on body”.
Hunnigan had a decent amount of experience performing and she quite enjoyed it, there was always something incredibly electrifying about playing to a crowd. But even so, the best gig to the biggest audience had never been enjoyable in the same way as playing just for Helena was. Performing a song only to the one person, especially a love song, was so intimate, and performing just for Helena always made her more nervous than playing to a room full of people did, but it was the good kind of nervousness, pleasant butterflies in the stomach followed by the sweet high of seeing Helena’s reaction.
Once she’d played the song, she put the guitar away, and Helena got up from the couch.“You’re a wonderful woman, and I love you so much that sometimes I find myself agreeing even with your creepy fans, like, yeah, it makes perfect sense that someone would want to drink your bath water, I totally get it, I would do it too,” Helena smiled as she straddled Hunnigan’s lap, wrapping her arms around Hunnigan’s shoulders and leaned to kiss her slowly and passionately before Hunnigan had a chance to say anything.
“Oh, I forgot!” Helena then exclaimed suddenly, snapping her head up, breaking the kiss with a resounding smack, leaving Hunnigan sitting there with her eyes closed and lips still puckered for a couple of seconds. Helena went to the corner and pulled out her suitcase. She opened it and dug around until she found what she was looking for.“I did have a gift for you, kinda,” she said and gestured toward the couch.
“You also got me a book?” Hunnigan chuckled as she accepted the item, and Helena shook her head as she sat next to Hunnigan on the couch.
“Well, kind of, but you know I’m more of a visual artist,” she said.
The thick tome was a photo book, one that Helena and Hunnigan had said they’d have printed out at some point but had never gotten around to it because doing that would require going through a dozen cellphones’ storages worth of pictures and weeding out the unnecessary ones, and neither of them had had the time or the energy for it until Helena had apparently decided to just do it.
“I meant to do this for our twentieth anniversary but, eh, you know.”
“I know, two years late is fine when it comes to this kind of stuff, I assure you,” Hunnigan smiled and kissed Helena’s cheek.
They sat cuddled up together and spent the next couple of hours going through the pictures and reminiscing over them; official looking photos taken at fancy parties Nolan had invited them (or occasionally coerced them) to attend, parties they’d had at home or on Isabela's yacht with friends and family, candid shots they’d taken of each other or the kids doing something they’d deemed especially endearing, and of course dozens upon dozens of pictures from birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family vacations.“Well, would you look at that young couple. I wonder what happened to them,” Hunnigan grinned as they arrived at a picture of her and Helena wearing bridal veils Hawke and Harding had made for them of toilet paper, the photo taken at their so-called wedding reception.“Oh, haven’t you heard?” Helena smiled, resting her head on Hunnigan’s shoulder, slipping her fingers between Hunnigan’s and holding onto her hand firmly. “They lived happily ever after.”