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Most people remembered the colorlessness until the day they died. Grays and blacks etched into their memories even years after rainbows gained their rightful pigments. Felix could only remember color. He had met his soulmate when he was only 8 years old, and while memories of the colorlessness had lasted for a while, his brain had slowly begun to color them in as time passed. If anyone were to ask him today, he could remember the reds and greens of his first Christmases, and the pinkish hue of the flowers he passed on his way to his first day of school. The shades of grays he had actually seen at the time, were all but forgotten.Over the years, he had gotten mixed reactions when people found out he had met his soulmate at such a young age. He had been met with glee, sadness, anger, and jealousy. The pity came later. Pity came when they figured out the details. Pity came when they heard Felix and his soulmate lived on different continents.At first, this hadn’t bothered Felix. When he was a kid, the word “soulmate” meant very little to him. Sure, the sudden colors had been cool, and he and his soulmate had made quick friends, despite not speaking the same language at the time. And while he had been sad when it was time to go back to Australia, the feeling had quickly disappeared, cause how cool was it to have a pen pal in South Korea?!It didn’t bother him until he entered high-school. When people started shamelessly dating, regardless of whether or not the other person colored in their world. Every time a new couple spurred, he would feel a prick of sadness. A hint of jealousy. While most of the happy couples had no future – as they weren’t destined to end up together – Felix envied them. He wished he could have fun, go on dates, and be carelessly in love, even with the knowledge it would end. But he couldn’t. They were all just passing time, waiting for that special someone. Felix had already found him – he just wasn’t there. Felix didn’t remember the colorlessness, but he remembered the first time he had seen color vividly. His family had been on vacation in Seoul and had been out shopping. It had been boring, his parents dragging him from store to store, sometimes making him try on some clothes, sometimes just pulling him along while they looked at random stuff. Felix had felt someone staring at him just as his mom had grabbed his arm to make sure she didn’t lose him in the horde of people as they moved on to the next store. His head had snapped around and for a second, he had caught sight of a boy before the crowd swallowed him. The boy’s t-shirt had looked weird. Felix didn’t know what the weird thing was at the time, but it had later become one of his favorite things in the world. His t-shirt had been green.As he walked through more stores that day, he had noticed that there were several things that shared the weird quality of the t-shirt; the keychain hanging on the purse of a passing woman, some of the plants in the mall. Even his own bracelet, which he had had for months at that point, suddenly possessed this new weirdness.The feeling that someone was staring at him returned about half an hour later, and when Felix turned around, he had locked eyes with the boy for a couple of seconds, before a woman had dragged the boy off in a different direction. The woman’s bag had had a weirdness too. But this weirdness was different than the one of the t-shirt and the keychain and the plants.There were suddenly a lot of things with this weirdness too. The new sweater his mom decided to buy him and the hair of the lady who sold it to them, the rose a guy handed to his girlfriend and the blood on her finger as she pricked it on one of the thorns. They all possessed this new weirdness.The next time he saw the boy was when his parents had decided to sit down at a café and buy him ice cream. He had been studying the sprinkles on his ice-cream – some of which possessed these new weirdnesses – when he felt it. Someone was staring at him again. It took him a moment to locate the boy this time. The weirdness of his shirt was quickly accompanied by other weirdnesses. The boy’s eyes were suddenly weird too, and when Felix looked back at his parents, their skin had a weirdness to it as well. He must have looked confused, cause worry was evident on their newly weird faces. Felix looked back at the boy, who he realized carried an expression that probably mirrored his own, and Felix realized the boy was seeing the weirdnesses too.The boy had said something to the woman with the bag, who for a second looked just as confused as Felix felt before realization hit her face. She looked over at Felix and then back at the boy. Without a warning, she grabbed the boy’s arm and pulled him in the direction of Felix and his parents. The woman had said something to Felix parents, something that Felix couldn’t understand, while Felix had gone back to studying the sprinkles on his now melting ice cream. They all had a weirdness to them now. Some had the weirdness of the t-shirt, and some the weirdness of the bag, but some of them had new weirdnesses altogether. He didn’t realize it at the time, but the boy was doing the same, studying the newfound weirdness of the sprinkles on Felix’s ice cream.Studying the color neither had been able to see before.
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After they had parted ways that first day, Felix’s parents had sat him down to explain to him what had happened and what it meant. “The new things you are seeing are called colors.” His mother had said. “It means that, when you grow up, that boy is gonna be to you what your father is too me.”The two boys had met up quite a few times in the following week. The language barrier hadn’t been much of a barrier at all, and by the time Felix and his family had to go back to Sydney, the two boys had grown close friends, despite not understanding many of the words the other was saying.In the weeks after his family went back to Australia, Felix had been in a state of constant wonder, rediscovering everything in full color. Everything had these beautiful weirdnesses to them. Even the things that were actually gray seemed different surrounded by the new colors. Learning the names of all these new colors was difficult, but he quickly got into the habit of naming the colors of everything he saw in his head as he saw it. When he got more comfortable with the new names, he started commenting on every color he saw. This gained cute a few strange and surprised looks from strangers he passed on the street, some because they were surprised the young child could see the colors, others because they didn’t yet have the ability to see them themselves.After a while, Felix could name every color with pretty good accuracy, and he stopped commenting on the color every single thing he saw. Instead, he started muttering the things names in Korean, as he slowly began to learn the language of his soulmate. He knew that somewhere in Seoul, the boy was doing the same, learning English. Felix wasn’t sure when it had been decided that he would attend university in Seoul. He knew it must have been a discussion at some point – Seoul or Sydney, which one of them would uproot their entire life and move to a foreign country? – but as he boarded the plane, he couldn’t remember when or why he had agreed to that person being him.They had first talked about it when he was 11, but at the time it had only been a conversation about how cool it would be if they lived closer to each other. At the time it had been a dream, a “what if”, far from being a reality. At the time it had been nothing more than a fun thought.The actual discussion had come much later, and somehow Felix had ended up being the one to leave his life behind to start over in Seoul. Somehow, at some point, the fun thought had become real. The move had become reality, and as he sat on the plane, Felix wasn’t sure if it was a fun thought anymore. As he sat on the plane, all it brought him was anxiety.No, Felix wasn’t sure when it had all been decided, but as he stepped off the plane, he felt more anxious than ever. He didn’t know anyone in Korea except Changbin and his family. He had no friends there. What if Changbin grew tired of him? What would he do then? He would have nowhere to go. He had no one.Felix spotted his boyfriend, and all the stress and worry he felt melted away. At that point, Felix hadn’t seen Changbin in person in almost a year, – frequent visits had become hard as they had grown older – when the boy had flown out to Australia for two weeks of vacation. The colors, while ever-present since their first meeting, had seemed more vibrant for those two weeks, though he suspected it was just his brain reacting to the sheer ecstasy of being close to his soulmate.A smile spread across Felix’s face as he looked at him. He looked absolutely ridiculous. Changbin had always done this, every single time they met for the first time in a while, but consumed by stress, Felix had completely forgotten about Changbins little tradition. He had outdone himself this time.He was wearing a bright green t-shirt, but usually, it stopped there. This time however, his pants were green, he had a green hat, and he was wearing green-rimmed glasses. He also had green mittens (even though it was mid-summer), and a green backpack hung over his shoulder. He looked insane, but Felix loved the gesture. Still, hadn’t he been so happy to see Changbin, Felix would have been embarrassed to be seen with him.Felix started making his way through the crowd, muttering quick apologizes as he intersected peoples paths. He hadn’t been spotted yet, his outfit not sticking out quite as much as Changbins. He stopped a couple of paces away from him. It took Changbin another couple of seconds to spot him.“Felix!” A smile grew on his face, and he pulled the other boy into a hug.“You look ridiculous.”“So do you.”“I’m wearing my normal clothes!”“I know.” The next few days consisted of unpacking and odd dates that Felix wasn’t sure he could really call dates at all. They didn’t do any coupley stuff or go any coupley places, instead, Changbin dragged Felix around the city showing him all the unusual and quirky places he had discovered in his years of living there. Felix was pretty sure half these places Changbin was ‘showing’ him were actually Changbin being too stubborn to admit he was lost. And while he was pretty sure traveling halfway across the city only to end up watching a street performer who ate all the coins he received after each song performed was just this, he was enjoying himself.As the start of the semester neared, Changbin, somewhat reluctantly, showed him around campus, not very happy with the thought of summer break ending. Felix didn’t care much about it though, cause for every day that passed, he became more certain of it; the fun thought that had briefly become filled with anxiety, was happier than he could have ever imagined.
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They hadn’t planned on spending their last vacation day cooped up in their apartment. Initially, they had had lots of plans for the day, but when their alarm had gone off that morning they had taken one look at each other and come to a mutual agreement – fuck it – and gone back to sleep.By the time they got out of bed it was midday and while there was still plenty of time to go do something, they decided to spend the day being as lazy as humanly possible. This involved lots of videogames, TV, and boardgames.The apartment door was only opened twice that day, once when their neighbor knocked to ask if they had seen her cat, and once when the food they ordered arrived.The day was perfect until the very end of it. Or rather, until it didn’t end.Felix hadn’t had trouble sleeping for ages, so he had no idea what was keeping him up that night. Despite sleeping in that day, they had both decided to go to sleep relatively early that night as school started the next day. Changbin had fallen asleep pretty much instantly, leaving Felix to his own thoughts. He hadn’t been stressed about starting university at all. Sure, it had taken him a while to get used to the thought of his classes being in Korean, and he wasn’t thrilled about having to start over again socially, but he had never once been worried about it. Yet, as the start ticked nearer, he felt himself growing more and more restless, sleep slipping further and further from his grasp.He had been tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity when it became clear to him that he was not going to fall asleep. Frustrated he got out of bed, already hating himself for how tired he was going to be in class the next day. He wasn’t sure what he was planning on doing, or where he was planning on going, but he quickly slipped into his shoes, not bothering to change out of his pajamas. Maybe a walk would help.He was about to close the apartment door behind him when someone cleared their throat behind him.“Where are you going? It’s 2 am.”Felix turned around to face Changbin. The boy was standing in the doorway of their bedroom, looking like had just risen from the dead. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”“Don’t worry about it. Now, where are you going in your pajamas at 2 am?”“I’m just going for a walk. Can’t sleep.”“Hold on,” he yawned, disappearing back into their room, returning with his phone in his hand. “I’ll come with you.”“Just go back to sleep.”“I wasn’t asking for permission. I’m coming.” When Felix burst into his class ten minutes late the next day, no one batted an eye. Everyone just kept chatting amongst themselves, as if the panting Australian wasn’t even there. Relieved, if slightly confused, he made his way to an empty seat, dropping his books on to the desk.“You’re like, the fourth person who’s done that.”Felix looked around, trying to locate the source of the voice. His eyes landed on a blond guy sitting behind him, focused on something on his phone. “What?”“It’s amazing how many people are late on the first day, you’d think people would be somewhat organized for at least the first couple of days.” The blond smiled at something on his phone, typing something, before continuing. “Even more amazing is that the professor is late as well. You’d think at least the teachers would be here on time.”Felix was unsure how to respond, feeling a little criticized, like he needed to defend himself for being late. “You see-““Can’t judge though, was late too. Let me just tell you, the rest of the class did not react so nonchalantly to me bursting through that door. They looked at me like I was a complete idiot. They’ve just gotten used to it by now I guess.” He looked up from his phone and smiled. “I’m Jisung by the way.”“Felix.”“You’re not from around here then?”“Just moved here from Australia this summer actually.”“How come you moved here? I imagine it’s quite different from Australia.”“Yeah, definitely different.” Felix paused, not sure how to proceed. From what Felix could tell, Jisung didn’t seem like he would be the type to react negatively to the whole soulmate thing, but Felix had been wrong before. He had encountered several people who grew to hate him simply because he could see color already, and they couldn’t. A lot of people couldn’t see color until much later in life, and quite a few of them were bitter about it. It had cost him potential friendships before. He decided to play it safe. “My boyfriend lives here.”“Your boyfriend huh?” Jisung cocked his head slightly and smirked. “Blue.”“What?”“Your t-shirt. It’s blue.”It took Felix a couple of seconds to realize what the other was saying. “How did you know?”“Well, I figured uprooting your life and moving continents for a relationship doomed to end isn’t something most people would do. I mean, I know there are people who denounce the whole soulmate system and just decide to ignore the whole thing, but the majority of people don’t, so I thought I’d be a fair assumption.”“Guess so. You’ve been able to see color for long?”“Only a couple of months.” A soft smile spread across his lips, and he turned his phone to show Felix his lock screen which showed a rather goofy looking picture of him and another guy. “Met him right around the end of high school. You?”“About ten years now.”“That’s… wow. That’s awesome. You were like, tiny. I mean you probably saw colors before you knew what colors were. Cause, I don’t know about you, but I didn’t start hearing about colors until I was like 11 or 12. I mean, children stories would always talk about how meeting the love of your life changes everything, but they were never specific in how. It’s like, they don’t want kids to know about colors or something. Which I think is crazy.”Felix was about to answer when the professor walked into the room. The professor quickly apologized for being late and introduced himself before starting the class. “You’re being dramatic Changbin. It’s your first day back, it can’t have been that bad.” Felix said, not looking away from his computer and trying his best not to smile.“No, I swear, Mrs. Kim has some sort of grudge against me. I took one of her classes last year, and she never gave me good grades. She is probably planning a hit on me as we speak.”“I’ll throw you a beautiful funeral then.”“You better! I want the best funeral.”“Then I’ll just buy a dog or something to replace you. Can’t imagine it’d take to long to get over you.”“Yah! You’ll regret being rude to me when Mrs. Kim has me assassinated.”“Nah, I’ll get over it.”Changbin sat down next to him with a hmph, crossing his arms like an annoyed child. “You’re the worst.”“And you’re stuck with me.”“So how was your day anyway, get into trouble for being late?”“Professor was even later than me, so no. I guess I got a friend though.”“That’s good, you need friends.”“You could just introduce me to yours. It’s mandatory for them to like me you know, since you can’t really get rid of me.”“Yeah,” Changbin said. “So any idea what we’re eating today, or do we need to figure that out?”Felix couldn’t help but notice how quickly Changbin changed the topic away from his friends and wondered if it was intentional or not. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I’m okay with whatever though.”He decided to ignore it. It was probably nothing.
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The next three weeks went by in a blur of new classes and new faces. Professors wasted no time throwing them headfirst into the curriculum, and students scrambled around desperately trying their best to keep up with all the new information being thrown at them. For many, Felix included, this involved a lot of coffee.There was constantly something to do. Whether it was getting familiar with his new subjects, talking to new people, spending time with Changbin, or joining Jisung in whatever weird things he did when he was bored, Felix was always busy with one thing or another. He almost didn’t notice how Changbin consistently steered their conversations away from the topic of his friends. Almost.It was all very calculated, the way Changbin did it, which was what made Felix catch on to it. Changbin was rarely a calculated person, and Felix found the way he steered conversations whenever they started veering towards the subject of his friends fascinating. He rarely realized it was happening before after Changbin had successfully directed him away.The few times Felix managed to bring it up, Changbin had a perfectly valid excuse as to why he couldn’t introduce Felix to his friends at that moment – or tomorrow, or this weekend – followed by an equally perfect change of topic. After this happened a couple of times, Felix concluded that Changbins friends didn’t want to meet him and dropped the topic completely. If they didn’t want to meet him, then he didn’t want to meet them either. “And why are we dropping by your boyfriend’s dance practice again? We should be in the library. Have you even started the assignment? It’s due tomorrow.”“Shut up. He forgot his phone, we’re just bringing it to him.”Felix was no longer sure where they were, as all his classes were on the other side of campus, but Jisung seemed to know where he was going. “And you couldn’t have brought it to him alone because?”“And I’m basically done with the assignment,” Jisung replied, ignoring Felix’s question. “I mean, I opened a new document on my computer, gave it a name, and then saved it. That’s like, 90% done right there.”“Yeah, absolutely.”Jisung stopped him right in front of a door, muttering something along the lines of how the dance instructor got annoyed easily and that they should wait until the practice was over in a minute. They stood there in silence, listening to the muffled sound of the music through the door, waiting until it faded to nothingness before Jisung carefully cracked the door open to double check that the practice was actually over. He then pulled Felix in through the door with him.Felix followed Jisung to the corner of the room and awkwardly stood there as Jisung hooked himself onto his boyfriend who was sitting on the floor with a water bottle. The boy pushed him away rather quickly, nodding his head towards Felix.“Oh, yes. That’s Felix. Felix this is Minho.”“Hi.”“Hi.” “Damn, who knew you to were so awkward. Converse! Befriend! And Felix, sit down too.” Jisung and Felix got up to leave a couple of minutes later, as Minho had to get going to his next class, and they had to get to the library. They were halfway out of the building when someone called Felix’s name.“Felix!”Felix turned around to see a guy hurrying towards them. He looked over to see Jisung sending him a questioning look, to which he simply shrugged. “Hi?”“Jeez, I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation, and then I leave the room for a second, and you’re gone?” The guy came to a stop in front of them. “You’re Changbins boyfriend, right?”It took Felix a second to recognize the guy from pictures Changbin had shown him. “Hi, yes. Felix. You’re his friend, right?”“Yes, Hyunjin,” he answered, “I’ve been trying to get him to introduce us since you moved here this summer. It never seemed to work out though.”“I’ve been wanting to meet his friends for a while now too. Guess there was never time.”“Well, I’ve got to run now, I have a class starting in a couple of minutes, but we’ll have to meet up later sometime. I’ve been hearing stories about you for years. Changbin is practically obsessed with you. Bye.” Before Felix could answer, Hyunjin ran off again, smiling and waving at him as he rounded a corner.“I must be invisible. He didn’t even acknowledge me.” Jisung said with a pout, as they started walking again.“Must be.” It only dawned on Felix half an hour later when he was sitting in the library. Hyunjin had wanted to meet him. Changbin’s friend had wanted to meet him. If it hadn’t been a problem of Changbin’s friends not wanting to meet him, then what was the problem? The next day, while Felix was sitting in class, his phone buzzed. He ignored it at first, trying to pay attention to the lecture, but when his phone vibrated again, and then again, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened the texts.
hi, this is hyunjin
i got your number from jisung
whose number i got from minho
who i have dance with
i am not creepy i swear
yeah hi
don’t worry about it
you’re only coming off as a little stalkerish
i might have gotten your schedule off changbin without him knowing
…
this is not helping me look less stalkerish is it
and you said changbin was obsessed with me
pfft
anyways
my point
you don’t have any class after the one you’re in right?
right
i’m done for the day actually
awesome
changbin and i are at the café
and you’re coming
no more putting this off
i have decided that we are gonna be best friends you see
do i get a say in this?
no
The café was small and at the very edge of campus. It was not very popular and usually relatively empty, but Felix had been there several times already, as Changbin was obsessed with the coffee there. The café served everything in pink cups and on pink plates and was decorated with small purple and blue flowers. Felix thought it all looked very tacky, but he didn’t really mind it.Felix spotted them almost immediately when he walked in, sitting at a table in the corner. Changbin focused on something on his computer screen, seemingly waving off any attempt Hyunjin made to talk to him. Felix quickly smiled at the barista, before he walked over to them and sat down in an empty chair. “Hi.”“You spent a long time getting down here.” Hyunjin smiled at him, before turning to face Changbin, who was still focused on his computer. “You didn’t tell me your boyfriend was so slow Changbin.”“He really can be. Hi Felix.” Changbin replied absentmindedly, typing away on his laptop. His eyes then widened, and he looked up at Felix. “Shit. Felix Hi. Why are you here?”“Nice to see you too,” Felix snorted, nodding towards Hyunjin. “Your stalker here got my number and schedule and asked me to come.”“You did? Why?”“Because I wanted to meet your boyfriend, and you seemed incapable of setting it up yourself.” Hyunjin smiled at him, clearly happy to finally get Changbins attention away from the screen in front of him. “Now, let’s get him a donut or something, and then we can talk.”“That would be great,” Changbin shut his laptop, suddenly in a hurry, “but we actually have to go now. See you later Hyunjin.” Before Felix could object, Changbin grabbed his armed and pulled him out of the café. Felix looked back at Hyunjin, who was sporting a confused look, mirroring his own. Felix didn’t say anything before they walked into their apartment ten minutes later. Changbin had made no attempt at explaining why he had pulled him out of the café in a hurry, and Felix had gotten more and more pissed for every second that passed. “What the hell was that?”“Was what?”“Oh for fuck’s sake Changbin, don’t act stupid. Why the hell did you pull me out of there so quickly? Why don’t you want me to meet your friends?”“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”“Changbin!”“Well, what do you want me to say then, Felix? That I’m sorry? Cause I’m not!”“Why don’t you want me to meet your friends?”“Let’s not do this.”“No, Changbin, I’ve let you dance around this for weeks now, thinking you probably had a good reason too, but you literally physically pulled me away to stop me from talking to your friend! Why?”“Does it fucking matter? Just leave it alone!”“No! I don’t want to leave it alone!” “Felix, I swear to god, just shut up!”“No.”“You’re such a pain in the ass!”“Changbin, what the hell is your problem? Can’t you just-“ he stopped himself short when he noticed Changbin’s bracelet; the one he had given him years ago when they just met, the one that had possessed the same weirdness as Changbins shirt. The one he had given to Changbin when he realized that he was seeing the weirdnesses – the colors – as well. The green bracelet. It was gray. “What’s my problem?”Confused, Felix looked around the room, and in horror, he watched as the green notebook on the coffee table faded to gray. “Stop.”“You’re my fucking problem, Felix.”“Changbin, stop. Please stop.” Felix words came out in a whisper, barely audible at all, but it was enough to stop him.“Are you okay?” All the anger in Changbins voice was replaced with worry.Felix didn’t answer him, instead pulling his phone out of his pocket, quickly scrolling through his camera roll looking for a very specific picture. The picture of Changbin he had taken when he came to pick him up at the airport.His phone slipped out of his hand and crashed onto the floor. Panic rose in his chest as he looked down at the cracked screen, still displaying the picture in all its glory.Still displaying the picture of Changbin, clothed completely and exclusively in gray.
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“Felix?”He was on the floor. He could not remember ever sitting down.“Hey Felix, let go of the phone and look at me, okay?”He was clutching on to his phone. Part of the broken screen was digging into his hand. There was blood.“Felix.”He loosened his grip on the phone, and it was immediately pried out of his hand. The cut didn’t look that bad, but Felix felt like it should have hurt more than it did. Part of the glass from the screen was still in his hand.“Thank you. Now, do you think you can look at me?”He looked over at Changbin and was immediately met with worried eyes. The boy was crouched down in front of him, looking somewhat panicked. “You okay?”At that, Changbin’s head fell forwards, and he let out a small laugh. “Am I okay? Fuck, you scared me.”“What, why?”“Felix, you haven’t been responding for the last 15 minutes. You were just sitting there holding your phone in some sort of death grip and staring at it.” Changbin pulled him into a hug, looking even more shaken than Felix felt. “What the hell was that?”Felix didn’t answer him, instead leaning into the hug. Changbin didn’t ask again, and they instead just sat there in silence.Eventually, Changbin pulled away from the hug, reaching out and grabbing Felix’s wrist, moving it so that he could see the cut on his hand better. “That looks kind of bad. Does it hurt?”Felix wasn’t paying attention to his cut. It was kind of starting to hurt, but he was too relieved to care. The blood trickling down his wrist wasn’t important, cause what was on Changbin’s wrist was so much more important. The bracelet, it was green again.He looked over at the coffee table, even more relieved when he saw the notebook had also regained the color. Felix reached out for his phone, which Changbin had placed on the floor next to them after he had pulled it out of his hand. Changbin grabbed it before Felix could.“No fucking way I’m giving this back to you.”“I just, I need to check something quickly.” He reached out his hand, gesturing for Changbin to give him the phone. He needed to check. He needed all of it to be back.“You have part of the screen in your hand already, and I am not about to let you disappear on me like that again.” Changbin was visibly getting worked up again, tears welling up in his eyes.Felix felt bad for scaring him, but he was scared too, and he needed to check. “Changbin, please? I’ll give it back to you in a sec.”Hesitantly Changbin handed him the phone, clearly not happy about it. Felix quickly unlocked the phone, careful not to cut himself even more on the broken screen. Despite it being prettybroken, it still displayed the picture well, and Felix couldn’t help but smile when he saw it, Changbin looking just as ridiculous as he had that day.“No fucking way, I am not letting you stare at that picture again.” Changbin pulled the phone out of his hand, shoving it out of reach. “You did that enough when you were all weird.”“Don’t worry, it’s all fine now.” He knew he didn’t sound convincing, that his voice was still shaking.“Okay, let’s fix up your hand, and you can tell me what the hell happened while we do.”Changbin pulled Felix on to his feet and moved into the kitchen, where he pulled out the first aid kit. Felix had no clue what half of the stuff in it was (and he was pretty sure Changbin didn’t either), but he didn’t say anything as the older started pulling stuff out of it.It took Changbin a couple of minutes to ask again, but when he did, Felix answered immediately. “Green disappeared.”“What?”“I couldn’t see the color green. It was gone.”Changbin momentarily stopped what he was doing. “ What?!” “It’s back again now.”“What does that even mean? Why couldn’t you see it?”Felix just shrugged, not sure what to say. He didn’t know what it meant, and he was still freaked out by it all, but at least it was back .Luckily, Changbin seemed to accept this answer and instead looked back on Felix’s hand.“We’re going to the doctors. I don’t know if I got all the glass out of your hand, and you might need stitches.”Felix didn’t object, figuring he had caused Changbin enough stress for one day, and quietly followed Changbin out of the apartment. They were surprisingly efficient at the doctor's office, and it didn’t take long for someone to look at Felix’s hand. Changbin hadn’t managed to get all the glass out of his hand, but he didn’t need stitches.The doctor was bandaging Felix’s hand when Changbin asked the question, catching both Felix and the doctor of guard.“What does it mean when you lose a color?”The doctor looked shocked for a second, but her face quickly softened, and she sent him a comforting smile. “Did you lose a color?”“He did,” Changbin said, nodding his head towards Felix.“Well,” the doctor turned back to bandaging his hand, “as far as we can tell, it doesn’t really mean anything.”“What?”“You see, it’s not even really that uncommon.” She stopped for a second, looking as if she was unsure how to best explain it to them. “I don’t know why it’s not more known, it happens to 1 in 10 people at some point in their life. 1 in 50 experience it on a regular basis. There doesn’t seem to be any correlation between it and who ends up apart in the end though.”Felix hadn’t even thought about the possibility that that might be a reason. He knew not all soulmates ended up together. Sometimes life got in the way. Sometimes they couldn’t put up with each other’s bullshit regardless of what their souls had to say about it. The soulmate system wasn’t always flawless, but it was the only thing they had, and while he knew the doctor had meant to be comforting, she had introduced the thought into his head.“Just like the whole soulmate thing, we don’t actually know a lot about color loss, how it works. But it’s nothing to worry about. I know it can be scary, but colors always return pretty fast.”It didn’t take long to finish up after that. When they left, Changbin thanked the doctor for both of them, as Felix had stopped talking completely after the doctor had explained the colors. They spent the rest of the evening on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, watching TV. Felix didn’t pay much attention to what was actually happening, lost in his own thoughts, only feeling slightly more content every time the color green flashed across the screen. “I’m sorry.”They had been sitting in silence for a while, so the sudden apology caught Felix of guard.“What?”“For being an idiot. I know I was in the wrong.”Felix had completely forgotten about it, to consumed with the color loss to think about what had caused it in the first place. “Why didn’t you want me to meet your friends though?”“It’s stupid. I am aware it’s stupid. I hate myself for it.” He stopped talking, and for a few seconds, no one said anything. “I was embarrassed.”“What?”“Not of you,” Changbin added quickly. “It’s just that Hyunjin, he as so many embarrassing stories and pictures of me and honestly, I was kinda dreading you hearing all of it.”“You’re kidding, right?”"I didn’t realize how far I’d taken it before after I pulled you out of there. And then you got mad, and I knew you had every right to be, but you getting mad still made me mad, and then I just couldn’t stop, and then suddenly you looked terrified and –““Changbin.”Changbin shut up immediately, letting the younger speak."You did take it to far.” Felix was exhausted, and he didn’t feel like dragging it out. Changbin apologized, that would have to be enough this time. “Just, don’t do it again, okay?”“I won’t.”“Besides. I already know you’re embarrassing.” “So, you’re all weird today,” Jisung stated, not looking up away from his computer, busy working on the assignment he had somehow convinced their teacher to give him an extension on. “And also your hand. I’ve been meaning to ask about your hand.”“Oh, my phone screen broke and I got the glass in my hand,” Felix answered, hoping it’d be enough to explain why he was acting a little off.“Cool.” And for a second Felix thought he was off the hook, then Jisung continued; “And you’re weird because?”“Oh, I momentarily lost the ability to see the color green yesterday. Kinda freaked me out, but apparently, it’s normal.” He said quickly, knowing that Jisung would have pulled it out of him eventually anyway.For the first time in their conversation, Jisung looked away from his screen, pushing the laptop shut. “Oh.”“Yeah, ‘oh’”“I mean, if it’s any consolation, it happens to Minho all the time.”This actually did make Felix feel better. “Really?”"Yeah, uh, we don’t even always have to actually fight for it to happen. Sometimes I just annoy him so much he loses colors. It doesn’t mean anything, you know that right?”“Yeah.”Jisung quickly shoved his stuff into his backpack, pushing himself out of his seat. “Come on, we’re doing something fun today.”“I doubt you’re gonna get another extension on that assignment. Just work on that.”“I will literally knock you out and force you to come with me, so just save us both the hassle and come willingly?” Felix ended up going home two hours later when Jisung seemed to feel he had cheered him up enough to go back to working on his already late assignment. The apartment was empty when he came home, and since his Changbin had confiscated his phone (“There’s literally glass shards sticking out from it Felix. You can’t use it.”) , he couldn’t text Changbin to ask when he was coming home. He plopped down on the couch and switched on the TV, but he quickly fell asleep, still tired from the events of the previous day. “Ouch, this was a bad idea. OW!”Felix woke up when Changbin came back. He hadn’t been sleeping for more than half an hour, but he felt more alert already. “Changbin? What the hell is that?”“It’s a cactus.” He peered out from behind the giant cactus, a silly smile on his face.“I can see that, but, why?”“Because I figured we need more green in the apartment.” The rest of the what he was thinking was left unsaid, but Felix picked up on the silent apology anyways. He didn’t feel like it was needed though. “Where are we gonna put that thing though, it’s huge.” He had gotten up to help him, but unsure what to do, he had just ended up hovering next to him.Changbin put the cactus down on the coffee table. “Temporarily,” he said. When Felix came home the next day, the cactus was wearing sunglasses and a rainbow lei. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.“Hi.”Felix turned around, to see Hyunjin leaning on their kitchen counter.“Changbin invited me over,” the boy explained, smiling brightly. “He should be back any second, he just left to go pick up your phone, the screen’s replaced.”Felix wasn’t sure how much he knew; Hyunjin was not giving away anything. “Cool,”Changbin returned shortly after, and with him there, the conversation quickly became more natural, less forced. It didn’t take Hyunjin long to start sharing stories about him and Changbin – the boy being the only thing they really had in common. Changbin red quickly, but did nothing to stop Hyunjin from talking, occasionally even jumping in to add parts he skipped, or when he disagreed about just how something had happened.And he might have been embarrassed, but he was also enjoying himself. They all were.
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Changbin felt guilty.Very guilty.It had been horrible watching as Felix folded in on himself and sunk to the floor. Changbin had been terrified when he realized the boy wasn’t responding – and even more so when he saw blood running down his hand, as it meant he wasn’t even responding to pain. He had felt completely and utterly useless as he crouched down next to him, and it felt like a part of him died right there and then as he desperately tried to get any kind of response from Felix.The terror morphed into guilt when the doctor explained what had happened. It didn’t mean anything – he had to believe her when she said that – but it was still his fault. What had happened to Felix, it was all his fault. If he hadn’t been stupid and made a fight out of nothing, it wouldn’t have happened, if he had just stayed at the stupid café and let Hyunjin and Felix talk, there wouldn’t have been a fight at all.He couldn’t even imagine how Felix felt about it all. If he felt horrible, how was it be for the one who actually lost colors? If it had been him who lost them, he would have combusted right there and then. But it hadn’t been him, and all he could do was hope Felix would never have to experience it again. Felix had forgiven him way too quickly. Changbin didn’t feel like he deserved it. He had made a fight out of nothing, and Felix would likely be coming out of it with both a figurative and a literal scar. Felix shouldn’t be forgiving him so easily.The cactus had been an impulsive buy. Changbin had been on his way home when he walked past a flower shop and decided to go in. He wasn’t sure why he had walked in, or what possessed him to leave with a giant cactus as a mean of apology, but he had quickly regretted it, as the cactus continuously stung him on the way back to the apartment. Felix seemed to like it though, so he counted it as a success.Inviting Hyunjin over had been his last apology. He figured the best way of fixing what he had done wrong was reversing it. Hyunjin hadn’t pushed for an explanation as to why Changbin had dragged Felix out of the café or asked why he was suddenly inviting him over, but Changbin had felt compelled to tell him anyway. Hyunjin had called him an idiot and then agreed to come over.Hyunjin had shown up at their apartment about half an hour before Felix’s last class ended. He had laughed at the cactus, and then proceeded to put his sunglasses on it, because “It’s funny Changbin,”. He had then pulled a rainbow lei out of his backpack (Changbin was unsuccessful in his attempt to figure out just why his friend was carrying that around) and put that on the cactus as well.By the time Hyunjin left later that night, Changbin had been embarrassed plenty of times, and the cactus had been named Albert. Altogether, it had been a successful night. Over the next couple of weeks, Hyunjin’s presence in their apartment became more and more common. Sometimes he would bring Boyoung along, a girl who he and Changbin had known for five years, and he had been dating for three. Jisung started hanging out there shortly after him, occasionally dragging Minho along as well.Things were starting to feel very normal again by the next time it happened. The fight hadn’t been anything big, just a discussion turned a little too heated – but Changbin saw the change in Felix immediately. The way he tensed up, freezing as he stared at something behind Changbin; at Albert. His reaction wasn’t as extreme as the first time around, but it had still effectively shut down their discussion as Changbin pulled him into a hug. They spent the next hour curled up on the couch, Felix staring intensely at Albert as he waited for the cactus to turn green again. Neither of them said anything, but they were both thinking the same thing. It doesn’t mean anything. The next time they fought, Felix lost red as well. It didn’t happen every time they argued, but it wasn’t uncommon either. Sometimes he lost nothing, sometimes it was only green, and sometimes several colors disappeared.Eventually, Felix got better at hiding it, and Changbin wouldn’t even pick up on anything being wrong before he found the boy looking distraught on the couch, staring at Albert and his rainbow lei, in the aftermath of a fight. Each time Changbin would plop down next to him and wrap a blanket around them and sit there with him until his colors all returned.Each time his heart would break just a little.And each time, Changbin would feel guilty.
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“I don’t get it though,” Minho said suddenly, barely looking away from his phone as he spoke. “I just don’t.”“Get what? Why I’m so amazing at this game? I just have a natural gift for – “ The Jenga tower collapsed. “Well shit.” Jisung scowled and looked away from the fallen tower and over to Minho instead. “This is your fault you distracted me.”“I’ve beaten you five times in a row now, and this is the first time Minho has said anything in half an hours. You’re just bad.” Felix started rebuilding the tower again, realizing quickly he wasn’t going to get any help from Jisung.It was Saturday and Jisung had invited himself and Minho over the second he realized that Felix was alone at the apartment. Changbin was out with Hyunjin and Boyoung.“I agree with Felix,” Minho said, pretending not to see the mock hurt look Jisung sent him. “And what I was saying.” He pushed himself up in a sitting position on the couch and looked over at where they were sitting on the floor. “Is that I don’t get why it’s so scary to lose colors.”At that, Felix felt every muscle in his body cramp together, accidentally knocking over the almost finished tower in the process.Jisung sent him a concerned look, before looking back at his boyfriend. “Minho.” The message in Jisung’s voice was so abundantly clear that even Felix caught it. Don’t.“No, that’s not..” Minho stopped, clearly not quite sure how to put his thoughts into words. “I just meant that I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”Felix was surprised he had even brought it up. While Jisung was more than happy to talk about it if Felix brought it up, he would usually just opt with distracting him whenever he seemed down because of it, as talking about it usually wasn’t Felix’s preferred method of dealing. Felix had just assumed Minho would be the same.“I know it’s supposed to be like, the most harrowing thing ever, but for me, it just isn’t.”
Felix looked at Jisung, who was busying himself with building the tower, seemingly having decided to butt out of the conversation completely.“I don’t know why it’s horrifying. It was certainly worse the first time, but it hasn’t been good since either.” Felix willed his muscles to un-tense, looking away from Minho as he answered, instead choosing to knock over the tower Jisung had just finished building. The boy sent him a dirty look, but if the breath he let out was anything to go by, he was happy to have an excuse to further occupy his attention on the tower, rather than partaking in the conversation he couldn’t contribute anything to.“But it doesn’t mean anything.”“I know.” He turned to look directly at Minho as he spoke. “Of course I know.”“Do you?”“Yes.” Felix turned his attention back to Jisung, hoping Minho would take the hint that he was done with the conversation. He saw the boy shift in his peripheral vision, but his focus had shifted from Felix to Jisung as well.Minho smirked as Jisung pulled the first piece out from the tower, starting the game over again. “You’re going to lose again.”“Shut up.” Minho joined the game shortly after, declaring that there would have to be some sort of penalty for making the tower collapse. He had obviously been expecting Jisung to keep losing, but something had switched in the boy’s game the second Minho joined, and Minho ended up being the one toppling the tower the majority of the time. By the time they had called it quits, they all had their fair share of colorful doodles in their faces, Minho’s face being almost completely colored, doodles overlapping, making what they originally were indistinguishable.By the time Changbin came back, Hyunjin and Boyoung trailing behind him, they were sprawled out on the floor, fallen tower completely disregarded, discussing cats. Jisung thought they were evil, Minho just found them cute, and Felix figured they might be cute because they were evil.“You guys look ridiculous,” Hyunjin muttered, pulling the door shut behind them. He pulled a pink fedora out of his bag, shuffled over to the coffee table and put the hat on Albert.“Why do you insist on dressing our cactus?” Changbin rolled his eyes at the now even more ridiculous sight of the cactus.Hyunjin just shrugged and settled in the couch.“Anyone care to explain why Minho’s face looks like he was kidnapped by kindergarteners?” Boyoung shot a look at Jisung when he giggled. “You don’t look much better.”“Minho was just really bad at Jenga, that’s all. Not that that was surprising. ” Jisung answered, quickly rolling away from Minho to avoid being kicked. “Now, cats. Evil or cute?”“Cute,” Minho interjected before anyone else could answer. “They’re cute.” He pushed himself off the floor, lightly kicking Jisung as he passed him. “Got to go, was supposed to meet up with Woojin like half an hour ago, and well, he’ll probably call out a search party if I don’t show up.” He disappeared into the bathroom, a minute later he was shouting. “This shit doesn’t come off?”“Nope!” Jisung shouted back.“You knew?”“Yup!”“JISUNG!” Minho eventually gave on trying to remove the drawings off his face, leaving them all with one last glare. Jisung thought it was the funniest thing ever until he realized that he too had drawings on his face. Felix, who didn’t have quite as many drawings on him, still found it hilarious.They ended up playing monopoly. Jisung protested at first, as the last time he had played, with Minho’s friends, he had ended up with the car piece thrown at his face when one of them landed on his hotel, losing everything. He had somewhat reluctantly agreed in the end and avoided the wrath of losing players by losing first himself. He claimed this was on purpose, but no one really believed him. Jisung settled for taking control of the bank.When Hyunjin lost as well, he tried to seize power of the bank, to which Jisung responded with moving to the opposite side of the room, scooting across the floor whenever something was needed from the bank. He kept this up, much to Hyunjin’s annoyance, until right after midnight, when his eyes suddenly went wide from something on his phone.“I have to go.” Jisung hurriedly pushed himself up from the floor, handing the bank over to Felix, who was still in the game, ignoring the mean look Hyunjin sent his way. “I apparently have a cat to return.”“What?”“Minho and his friend got drunk, and he adopted a cat.” Jisung deadpanned. “So I have to go return the evil thing before he sobers up and realizes he has it, cause if he does I’m stuck with it.”Once Jisung left, Felix pushed the bank over to Hyunjin and pretended not to notice when he slipped some extra money over to Boyoung. At 1 AM, Felix received a pissed text from Jisung saying they wouldn’t take the cat back at the shelter. At 1.30 he received a very shaky video from Minho, who was quite obviously still drunk, of Jisung playing with the cat. By 2 AM Jisung texted him saying maybe cats weren’t so bad after all. Once everyone had left, Changbin and Felix settled on the couch and started watching a movie on Changbin’s laptop (as Albert’s “temporary” place on the coffee table block the view of the TV). They were halfway through the movie when Changbin shifted in a way that pushed Felix out of the couch.He was only annoyed for a fraction of a second, but Albert faded gray anyways. He must have been too tired to hide if properly, cause Changbin quickly shifted again, and offered him a hand, quickly muttering an apology.“Don’t worry about it, I’m not mad.”“So it didn’t?”“No, green’s gone. I guess it’s triggered easier when I’m tired or something,” He reasoned, though it didn’t feel any better because of it.
but it doesn’t mean anything
Changbin put away the computer quickly and cuddled up next to Felix when he sat back down on the couch.
i know
Without the movie to keep him awake, he fell asleep within minutes, leaving Felix to stare at the plant alone. He had long ago decided never to go to sleep while colors were missing.
do you?
Felix ignored the nagging thought and stared intently at Albert. The gray faded back into colors pretty quickly, and Felix stopped fighting the tiredness. He almost didn’t catch the last whisper that floated through his mind as the darkness took him.
do I?
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Felix was awake for fifteen minutes before he actually opened his eyes.He took notice of a couple of things in these fifteen minutes, the first being how uncomfortable he felt after sleeping on the couch.The cushions had allowed him to sink into the couch and formed themselves in a way that had made him end up in and an awkward position. This had made him sleep the entire night with his spine bent in a way that he knew was going to make his back sore for the rest of the day.Despite the uncomfortableness of the couch, he felt at peace. And even though he admittedly was in some pain, he didn’t want to move, so he stayed still, only slightly adjusting his head to face away from the window, hoping this would limit the amount of light that made its way through his eyelids.Changbin was still fast asleep next to him, muttering away to himself in his sleep. Felix was quite used to this habit by now, and often found himself lying in bed and listening to his boyfriend mumble, trying to make out what he was saying. Usually, most of it was unintelligible nonsense, and the few comprehendible words that broke through would make Felix wonder what bizarre things the boy was dreaming about.That day, he could make out the words lettuce, watermelon, and salamander. Felix only opened his eyes when Changbin shut up and started to stir next to him, instantly moving his gaze to look at him. He looked absolutely dead, which Felix found hilarious.When Changbin opened his eyes, they instantly narrowed and he pushed himself away from Felix. “You have no business being this chipper in the morning.” He muttered and got up from the couch.“It’s noon.”“You have no business being this chipper at noon either.”Felix answered with an exaggerated bright smile.“At least have the decency to be depressed until you’ve had coffee.”It was only when Changbin returned with two cups of coffee (both of which were for himself) and put it down on the coffee table that Felix’s eyes traveled to Albert. His eyes lingered for a bit before he forced himself to look away from the plant and at Changbin.“I probably just fell asleep and dreamt the colors returning.” He muttered to himself, waving dismissively when Changbin asked what he had said.Felix didn’t look back at the gray cactus before Changbin left the room again, trying to will the color to come back. It didn’t. The rest of the day felt green.Green because the grass screamed at him, because Changbin’s bracelet seemed to refuse to leave his line of vision. Every single thing Felix knew to be green popped out at him, refusing to let the missing color leave his mind for even a second.He smiled and joked and died inside all at the same time, not used to colorlessness lasting so long. And the world had never been quite as green as it was that day, because he had all the time in the world to notice all the places the color was missing.Everything felt green, simply because nothing was.He didn’t mention it, and the spot in front of the cactus remained empty, cause they hadn’t fought and he hadn’t been annoyed, and Felix would rather spiral on his own than drag Changbin down with him. Monday was red.He first became aware of this was when Jisung threw his arm around his shoulder, and Felix noticed the sleeve was gray. This only threw him off because of the small logo on the very end of the sleeve. The one that told him it was a dance class hoodie (which he had undoubtedly stolen from Minho), the same hoodie he had seen Hyunjin in countless of times.The rest of the day came in roses and the strawberries Jisung ate at lunch and the cut on his hand that bled gray.The spot in front of Albert remained empty. Tuesday was blue.The birds gave it away, out and about enjoying the nice weather while the sky was perfectly gray. The day passed in the ink from his pen, the neighbor's car, and the giant plushie that rested in the corner of their room.He watched a movie on with Changbin on the couch, refusing to let his eyes drift to the cactus beyond the computer screen. Wednesday was purple.Felix couldn’t help staring at the flowers outside the coffee shop, the lump in his throat growing bigger as he forced a smile when Changbin returned with their orders.Felix passed through the living room without looking in the direction of the coffee table. Thursday was orange.Jisung’s and Minho’s new cat wasn’t anymore.The cactus was left alone. Come Friday evening, Felix was constantly on edge, desperately trying to hide how horrible he felt. So far no one had questioned him, though he was pretty sure there had been times both Changbin and Jisung had caught on to the fact that something was bothering him.“You’ve been kind of off the last couple of days.” Felix could tell Changbin was trying to keep his voice as nonchalant as possible. “I can stay at home with you if you want me to.”“No, go out and be a third wheel with your friends.” Felix smiled at him, and he could see Changbin visibly relax, clearly not seeing through his act. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”Changbin looked at him, scanning his expression, and for a second, Felix was sure he was going to see through his lie, sure he was going to call him out on it. Then the boy smiled back at him, at ease. “I’m sure Jisung is happy to bother you if you get bored.”“Always is.” It took everything Felix had not to break apart completely as he watched Changbin’s eyes fade into a deep gray. “Seriously, go. Have fun.”Changbin left shortly after, Felix closing his eyes the second the door closed behind him. He couldn’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes.Cause for the first time since Felix was eight years old, the world was completely and utterly colorless.
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There were a couple of things Chan expected on nights he stayed at the studio late; He expected to be cold as he never seemed to bring warm enough clothes for the chilly night hours, and at least four texts from Woojin reminding him to eat something – though he rarely saw these texts before he was already on his way home. He expected the first signs of exhaustion starting to hit him as he walked home – though these would promptly be ignored – and he expected to come home to a sleeping apartment.What he did not expect, however, was to run into a lonely student when he cut through the park on his way home.What he really did not expect was said student to be drunkenly screaming at a tree. In English.Naturally, Chan approached him. A cold breeze brushed past him, and Chan once again cursed himself for not bringing any warmer clothes. He knew he usually ended up staying at the studio until the dead of night on Fridays, long after the sun had disappeared from the sky. Often, like now, he didn’t start the route home until it was technically Saturday. He never seemed to get any wiser though, forgetting about it the second he was met by the warm embrace of his apartment, only remembering the next time he was freezing again. The park was usually empty at 2 AM on Saturday mornings – bar the occasional squirrel – as most people opted on spending their nights at more eventful places. This was why Chan was surprised to hear muffled shouting mix in with his music as he walked through the park. At first, he thought he might have just imagined it, but when he heard it again, he pulled out his headphones to locate the sound. Was someone in trouble?It didn’t take him too long to find the source of the shouting; a person standing by a tree in the distance. There wasn’t anyone else in sight, and Chan realized with a start that he was screaming at the tree. Somewhat hesitantly, he changed course and started off towards the boy.Chan could practically hear Woojin’s voice in his head telling him not to approach the crazy dude yelling at a tree, and Chan told himself he should probably be listening to him, when he realized the boy was speaking in – if a somewhat slurred – English. As he got even closer, he realized the boy had an Australian accent, and Woojin shut up altogether.“Stupid tree, can’t even keep your fucking colors, can you?”Chan stopped a couple of paces away from him, unsure how to proceed. Now that he was closer, he could see the guy was definitely younger than him, and unquestionably drunk out of his mind.“You’re supposed to be green and brown, what the hell is this? Get your colors right you fucking idiot!”It was then Chan realized the boy was crying, that his words weren’t only slurred because he was drunk, but also because he was holding back sobs.“It’s not that hard, even a stupid plant like you should be able to get it!”The boy was staring at the tree like he was awaiting a response, so Chan decided to answer in its place. “You okay there mate?”For a second the boy’s eyes widened, as he almost comically gaped at the tree. Then he seemed to realize the voice had come from his side, and not from the tree in front of him, and his head snapped around to look at Chan with narrowed eyes.“I don’t think the tree is going to answer you.” Chan, suddenly very aware that he had just approached a stranger in the dead of night, tried his best to both look and sound non-threatening. “Plants around here don’t tend to talk much.”Once again the boy’s eyes widened. “Around here?” He took a step closer to Chan, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Have you been somewhere with talking plants?”Oh, how Chan wished the boy hadn’t taken him literally. “Uh no, I just meant –“ Chan decided against finishing his thought, instead taking another step closer to him. It was clear the boy didn’t deem him a threat, and Chan could not imagine a world where the younger was dangerous. “Are you okay?”His eyebrow furrowed at this, and his eyes traveled back to the tree.“Can I call someone for you? Do you live close?”Once again the boy’s head snapped around to look at him, moving so fast Chan was surprised his neck didn’t snap. As if on cue, the phone in the boy’s hand lit up and started vibrating. He let it ring.“No,” he hissed, shaking his head furiously. “Can’t go home. Can’t know. He can’t know.”Chan watched as the phone stopped ringing, briefly switching to the lock screen 12 missed calls from Ch– before going dark. Someone was clearly somewhere worried about the kid. “I’m Chan.”“Felix.”The Woojin in his head was talking again, begging him not to do something stupid. Chan wasn’t sure what Woojin thought was stupid though; leaving the distraught drunken boy, or the words that ended up coming out of his mouth instead. “Do you need somewhere to crash tonight?”Felix's face went through a variety of expressions in a very short time, and Chan wasn’t sure if he was managing to process his words properly. His expressions ended in a frown, and he was narrowing his eyes again.“I just–“ Chan wondered how to best avoid sounding like a creep. “You’re drunk.” Nope, that was not it. “I mean, you are drunk, and it is late, and you clearly don’t want to go home, and I don’t think staying out alone in your state is the best idea.”“And…” Felix’s phone started vibrating again. “Going home with a stranger is?”Chan wasn’t sure how to answer that.Felix’s phone stopped vibrating, only to start again a second later. He stared at it for a moment, before declining the call, and looking back up at Chan. “Yeah okay.”And that’s how Chan ended up supporting the random Australians weight as they walked the rest of the way to his apartment. And the Woojin in Chan’s head was silent, but he wasn’t so sure the one at home would be the same. ‘Quiet’ was apparently a word a drunk Felix was not familiar with. Chan supposed he shouldn’t be too surprised at this, considering he had met the guy while he was loudly berating a tree. But Chan had sort of hoped the boy wouldn’t crash into every single piece of furniture in the room during the three seconds he took his eyes off him to lock the door.“Felix shh!”Felix hummed in acknowledgment before crashing down on to the couch, knocking down a book that had been resting on the armrest in the process.“Felix!”But the boy had fallen asleep. It was only then exhaustion hit Chan, blurring his eyesight for a moment before the world refocused again. There was a brief moment of complete peace – one where everything was silent as the world slept around him – before shuffling could be heard from one of the bedrooms, which meant Chan was about ten seconds away from having to explain the drunk boy on their couch.He didn’t turn to face whoever it was.“You know, if you want to cheat on me, you probably shouldn’t bring people here when you know I’m home.”“Slipped my mind,” Chan said, eyes still glued to Felix, wondering if he should leave the boy be or move him into a more comfortable position.“Should probably also get yourself someone who’s not passed out drunk.”“Will keep that in mind.” Chan twisted around to face Woojin where he was standing in the doorway to their bedroom with an amused look on his face. “Sorry I woke you,”“Don’t worry about it.”And while Woojin didn’t ask for the real story behind the drunk boy on their couch, Chan knew he was expected to tell it. “He was screaming at a tree.”Woojin made no move to answer and just stared at him with a blank look in his eyes. “And he was small and he was drunk and he was sad and he seemed almost scared to go home and he was Australian and I couldn’t just leave him there and –““So you decided to bring some lunatic home because he was Australian.” It was Seungmin who spoke now. Chan wasn’t quite sure when he had emerged from the second bedroom. “If I get murdered I’m gonna be so pissed.”“He’s not a lunatic.”“You literally just said he was screaming at a tree.”“I-““I’m sure he won’t murder us in our sleep.” There was a moment of silence, but when no one picked up the conversation, he continued. “And if his entrance is anything to judge by, he’s not stealthy enough to rob us. So,” Woojin pushed himself away from the doorframe and moved to Chan, “let’s get some sleep and figure this out tomorrow.” He swiftly grabbed on to Chan’s arm and pulled him in the direction of the bedroom. “Besides, if we had a bias against lunatics we wouldn’t let Jeongin keep bringing you over, would we?”“Safety really isn’t a priority in this household, is it?” Seungmin said, but he was smiling now. “Inviting in lunatics left and right.”“Shut up, you don’t even live here,” Chan answered.Seungmin looked offended at this.“Not technically at least.”Seungmin stuck his tongue out at Chan and retreated back into the bedroom closing the door behind him. With one last look back at Felix, Chan followed suit. He wasn’t sure what Felix story was, or if the boy would even share it with him when he woke up the next morning. All he could do was hope he got a couple of hours of sleep before he had to deal with it all.Out in the living room, Felix’s phone lit up and started vibrating again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The world fell back asleep rather quickly, and soon Chan was the only one awake in the apartment. All the exhaustion he had felt earlier was certainly still there, but it did nothing to knock him out. Instead, he just lied there listening to the sounds around him. There weren’t many of them – just the ones you would usually describe as silence unless you actually stopped to listen.There was the slight hum of the radiator, the occasional muted footsteps from the apartment above them, and the lonely car passing by now and then. There was breathing, his and Woojin’s, and there were the ticks of the clock on the wall. It was fascinating really, just how many noises silence actually contained.It was hard to say whether or not he would have fallen asleep if he hadn’t run into Felix that night – hard to say if that was what was actually keeping him up – but he spent the time thinking about it anyways. The boy’s phone had barely stopped buzzing for a second on their way back to the apartment, and each time a new call came in, Felix has pretended not to notice.Pretended no one was desperately trying to get a hold of him. At one point, Chan had considered answering the boy’s phone, but he’d concluded that it wasn’t his place. That maybe there was a very good reason Felix was ignoring the calls, a good reason why he was so adamant in not going home.But he still felt bad. Bad that someone was looking, bad that he knew and wasn’t letting them know. Bad that someone was probably out there worried out of their minds while Felix slept safely on his couch. Chan wished the boy was still awake, wished that he had managed to get more answers out of him before he’d passed out. But he hadn’t, and all Chan could do was wait.He didn’t fall asleep before the chirps of birds outside joined the silence. Chan didn’t feel any less exhausted when he woke up, and though he knew it wasn’t the case, it felt like only minutes had passed since he fell asleep.He was alone in the room, and for a moment he just lied there, tracking the movement of the others by how their voices moved around the apartment.Jeongin seemed to be moving the most, his voice bouncing off the walls in the kitchen at one moment, his own room the next, and then the living room. Sometimes Chan could barely hear his words, and sometimes he shrieked them out at a volume Chan was certain could be heard in the entire building. Occasionally his shrieks would be questions about Felix – who from what Chan could gather was still asleep on the couch, unbothered by the noise that filled the space around him – but mostly his words mirrored the ones of any normal morning in the apartment.Seungmin was the usually the one to answer his shrieks – his voice shifting between the living room and the kitchen – taking every chance he could to refer to Felix as the ‘Australian serial killer Chan brought home’. It took Chan a couple of minutes to realize he had never told them Felix’s name, but he doubted Seungmin would have used it anyways.Woojin’s voice stayed motionless and was mostly heard shushing the others, reminding them that both Chan and the Australian serial killer were still very much asleep.Chan waited for the noise to mellow down before he left the room, heading directly for the kitchen, pretending not to notice how Jeongin immediately propelled out of his own room, following close behind him. The younger was clearly expecting him to tell him more about the guy on their couch, not satisfied with the answers Seungmin had offered. Chan, however, offered none at all and didn’t even assess the situation before Jeongin and Seungmin left the apartment, slightly offended that Chan refused to loop them in. “Okay,” Woojin said as the door shut behind them. “What now?”“Well, for starters, his name is Felix. Not ‘Australian serial killer’.” Chan turned around to and looked at the couch, where Felix, despite no one making any effort at all to be even remotely quiet, still slept soundly. “I have no clue. I haven’t thought this far. I just didn’t want to leave him out alone in his state.”“Tell me what happened? You were sort of rambling last night, and I honestly didn’t catch much of what you were saying.”“I was walking through the park when I heard screaming, and I thought someone might be in trouble, but it was just Felix screaming at a tree.”“As one does.”“I’m not sure why, but he was really upset, and also really drunk. I asked him if I could call anyone, or if he lived close, and he seemed almost scared at the thought. And his phone kept ringing, so someone was clearly looking for him, but he kept ignoring it.”Chan looked at Felix again. He looked almost peaceful, completely opposite from the night before. His phone was clutched in his hand, but it hadn’t rung all morning. Chan wondered if it was because the person calling had given up, or if the battery had simply died.“And then you brought him back home because he was Australian?”Chan couldn’t help but smile at that. “And small.”“Obviously.” Felix woke up half an hour later, and for a second, he seemed absolutely terrified. Then he remembered the night before, at which point he only seemed slightly terrified.Chan and Woojin had come to the conclusion that they shouldn’t press the boy for answers and settled for offering him food. He seemed hesitant at first as if he thought they were trying to poison him but had quickly made up his mind and accepted the offer. The question of what had happened didn’t even come up until Woojin’s phone rang. He didn’t even have a chance to say hello before the person on the other end started rambling.“Yeah, I needed to cancel anyway, a bit of a situation came up here. Why were you up all night?” Woojin said and disappeared out of the kitchen with an apologetic smile.“You want more food?” Chan asked, gesturing at the now empty place in front of Felix.“No, I’m good,” Felix said. “Look, I’m sorry for last night. Thanks for making sure I didn’t end up dead in a ditch somewhere.” His gaze dropped to the table as he spoke, only for him to flinch and look back up at Chan.Slightly confused, Chan looked down to the small potted plant on the center of the table. The plant had definitely not been watered enough and looked rather bad, but there was nothing about it that should have caused a reacting like that.Chan didn’t realize he hadn’t answered before he had been silent a moment too long, but luckily Woojin reentered the room before the silence had a chance to become awkward. He didn’t say anything, just handed his phone to Felix, who cast a confused glance at Chan and lifted it to his ear. The phone didn’t need to be on speaker for Chan to hear what came next. “What the hell Felix?!”
Chan and Woojin had left Felix in the kitchen, and Woojin had briefly filled Chan in on what had happened. Minho had called to tell him that he couldn’t come later over like planned because he’d been up all night looking for Jisung’s best friend, who’d gone missing. It hadn’t taken the two long to put together that the boy Minho had been out looking for was the same one Chan had picked up on his way home.Felix came out of the kitchen a couple of minutes later, awkwardly handing Woojin his phone and telling them Minho would be by to pick him up soon.Felix left the apartment with a very tired, slightly pissed, but mostly worried Minho. And Chan didn’t while Chan hadn’t gotten any more answers from Felix, one thing the boy had screamed the night before popped up in his mind.Stupid tree, can’t even keep your fucking colors, can you?And everything made a little bit more sense.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Changbin wasn’t worried when he came home to an empty apartment. While it was late, there was still plenty of places open, and it wasn’t uncommon for Felix to go on impromptu snack runs in the dead of night. He figured the younger would be home soon enough.Changbin still wasn’t worried when an hour later – much longer than any snack run had ever lasted – the boy still wasn’t home. Maybe he had gone over to Jisung’s; he had been talking nonstop about their new kitten ever since they had gotten it, and he had told Felix that Jisung probably would be happy to hang with him if he got bored.Unease only started settling in Changbin’s chest when his text was met with radio silence. It wasn’t like Felix to not answer him, the boy was usually pretty fast with replies, and the lack of one was enough to spark something in Changbin. He still wouldn’t call it worry , but there was a slight uncomfortable feeling making its way through him.But Felix was probably just occupied with the cat. He just hadn’t seen the text yet. He’d get back to him as soon as he did. That was probably it.Still, when his phone pinged with a new text, he threw himself in the general direction of his phone, effectively knocking it down on to the floor. But it wasn’t Felix answering him. It was Jisung.
ignore lix for a bit
i’m bored and want him to answer
only time he doesn’t is when he’s with u
so quit it
Wait, he’s not at your place?
In reality, it probably only took Jisung a couple of seconds to reply, but it felt like an eternity.
obviously not
why, did he say he was?
No
But he wasn’t at home when I got home
and it’s been too long for it to just be him
dropping by the store or something.
He didn’t answer when I texted him either.
hold on, i’ll try calling him
A couple of eternities later Jisung’s phone popped up on his phone, and Changbin answered instantly.
“Yeah, no luck here. Still not answering. You sure he didn’t tell you where he was going before you left?”
“I’m sure,” Changbin answered. His mind was already racing, the slight unease from before already a full blown panic. He did his best to keep his thoughts in check, trying to force himself to come up with logical reasons why Felix wasn’t answering and where he could be. There was probably plenty, but his brain seemed content with playing out worst case scenarios for him instead. “Have you heard from him at any point tonight?”
“Sorry, I haven’t talked to him since class today.”
Changbin wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, or if Jisung’s voice really did sound somewhat panicked as well. Either way, it made his own panic feel so much worse. Maybe it hadn’t been insane of him to think Felix had been acting off. Maybe he shouldn’t have listened to the boy when he said he was fine, and just stayed home with him. “Did he mention plans to go somewhere?”Shuffling and muffled speaking on the other side of the line. “No, he didn’t.” And then a whispered answer that wasn’t meant for him. “It’s Changbin. Felix’s missing.” Missing. Changbin had purposely been deterring his brain away from the word, scared it’d be fuel to the already rampant fire in his mind. Missing left no room for logical reasoning, no room for safe.Changbin tuned out the conversation that was taking place on the other side of the line, only paying attention once the voice on the other side was speaking directly into the phone again. “Minho and I are coming over, okay?” And then the line went dead as Jisung hung up before he had a chance to answer. He spent the time waiting for them trying to call Felix. After two failed attempts he had called Hyunjin instead. The boy had answered quickly, instantly spouting groggy complaints of being woken up. He shut up the second Changbin told him what was going on. In the end, Hyunjin ended up getting there before Jisung and Minho, hair messy and sleep still very visible on his face.By the time they were all there, Changbin had tried calling Felix several more times, successfully freaking himself more out every time his call was left unanswered. In the end, Hyunjin ended up prying his phone out of his hands, so that they could figure out what to do.It didn’t take them long to leave the apartment after that, split into two teams. They each had a list of places where Felix was likely to go, and hopefully, he’d be at one of them. For every place they searched without finding him, Changbin felt himself grow more and more worried, and the voices telling him something horrible had happened became harder to drown out. Hyunjin was talking constantly, barely shutting up long enough to catch his breath. Changbin knew what he was doing and was grateful the younger was trying to keep him from getting completely lost in his worries, but most of what he said was met with short answers and went to dead ears.Occasionally they’d get updates from Minho and Jisung, but after a while, Hyunjin stopped sharing them with Changbin, who’d just get more and more anxious each time the confirmation that the others hadn’t found him either came.Once they’d gone through every place that Felix liked going to, they moved on to places he’s expressed interest in going to, and then eventually started aimlessly searching for him. Changbin kept calling him obsessively, only stopping when his calls stopped going through at 5 AM. Even then he would call now and then, on the off chance the phone had been turned back on. Throughout the night they regularly stopped back by the apartment, in case the boy had somehow ended up back home. It was during one of these trips back that Hyunjin positioned himself by the door and refused to let Changbin back out again.“What the fuck Hyunjin? Let’s go?”“Bin, we’ve been out looking for hours , and you’re about ready to collapse.”“You stay then. I’m going.”“No, I talked to Minho. He’s dragging Jisung back home too. We’re all exhausted, and we have run out of places to look anyways.”Changbin tried pushing past him again, but the boy simply shoved him back away from the door. He tried a couple of more times, before realizing the other really wasn’t going to budge. “What the hell am I supposed to do then? Just sit here?”Hyunjin moved away from the door at that, grabbing a hold of his arm before he could try to make a run for it, and dragged him to the couch. “I’m worried too, but there is nothing we can do right now. Neither of us are any good to Felix passed out on the streets.”Reluctantly Changbin sat down next to Hyunjin, not quite ready to admit just how exhausted he actually was. “I’m fine though.”“Sure you are.”They didn’t speak much after that, and eventually, Changbin fell into an uneasy sleep.
He woke up to the sound of his phone, instantly diving for it. Disappointment flashed through his mind when he realized it was Jisung and not Felix calling, but he still answered quickly.Jisung wasted no time cutting to the case. “Minho is on the phone with Felix right now.” “What? Where is he? Why did he call Minho?” He had more questions but was quickly cut of by Jisung.
“I don’t know. Minho left the room talking to a friend of his, and when he came back he was talking to Felix. I don’t know where he is, but it sounds like he’s fine. Minho wouldn’t be yelling at him if he wasn’t.”
Relief washed through him and he barely registered Jisung telling him that he’d keep him posted and hanging up on him. Hyunjin, who had likely been woken up by him practically yelling into the phone, sat next to him with a questioning look, but refrained from asking any actual questions. Eventually, Changbin answered them anyway. “Jisung called me to say Minho was talking to Felix. He’s fine.”Jisung texted him shortly after, telling him that Felix had somehow ended up at Minho’s friend’s apartment last night and that Minho was on his way to pick him up. Before Changbin could ask for any details, Jisung quickly said he didn’t know anything more, as Minho had left in a hurry after finishing the phone call. Changbin had thanked him and put down his phone. He still had a lot of questions, but the most important one had been answered now. At least now he knew Felix was okay. Hyunjin decided to leave the apartment before Felix could come back, as he didn’t want to impose while Changbin tried to figure out what had happened. This meant Changbin had no one to talk to, and he ended up pacing back and forth while he waited. He was still exhausted, as he hadn’t slept much or well after passing out on the couch, but he was certain he wouldn’t be falling back asleep anytime soon.It took them longer than he thought it would, so by the time the apartment door started opening, Changbin thought he was just about to actually go insane. He had thought he was going to say something when he saw Felix – ask him what the hell had happened, or why he hadn’t answered his phone, or how he had ended up at Minho’s friend place – but instead he found himself pulling the boy into a hug. He felt the last traces of worry disappear when Felix hugged him back, and it felt like he would finally breathe again.He met Minho’s eyes over Felix's shoulder and felt his heart stop when he saw worry in them. Why was he still worried? Minho saw the questioning look on his face, and simply mouthed three words turning around to leave. Talk to him. So he did. Or he tried too.All his questions were met with short answers, and it took him longer than he’d like to admit to realize the replies weren’t actually answering his questions at all. He wasn’t sure if Felix was doing it on purpose, or if he was just tired too. So eventually he gave up on trying to get answers to what had happened the night before.“You hungry?” he asked instead.“Not really no.”And Felix hadn’t really answered any of his questions since he came back, but there was a new one now, one that bothered Changbin more than any of the others.
Why the hell was that the first honest thing Felix had said since he walked through the door?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Felix always looked peaceful when he slept; all negative emotion washed away from his face; troubles long forgotten. Hair messily sprawled around his head like a halo, breathing steady and slow. He was always hugging on to something – whether it be Changbin, a stuffed animal, or a pillow.Most nights his face would be neutral, void of any and all expressions, but it was always a happy neutral, a calm one. Other nights there would be a small smile on his lips, corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly in a smile you would miss if you weren’t paying close attention. That night, Felix had one of these smiles, and it felt like a punch to the gut.Changbin had tried to lay off the topic, to wait for Felix to open up and tell him what had happened on his own terms, but after a couple of hours he had brought it up again. He had been calm about it, paying careful mind to his tone – making sure there was no venom in it; no accusations. He didn’t want to start a fight, he just wanted to help.He had been met with dismissive answers. Answers meant to end conversations rather than start them.It was clear Felix was hurting, clear that Changbin had been right to think something was off with him that week, clear that whatever it was had gotten so much worse. The only thing that wasn’t clear to Changbin was why Felix refused to let him help.At one point Changbin had gotten so frustrated with it all that he had left the apartment. He had told Felix he was going out to buy food.He’d returned an hour later with burgers and red eyes.Everything was wrong, hurting, and broken – yet, in his sleep, Felix looked as peaceful as ever. Changbin just didn’t get it. He was exhausted – could feel sleep weighing down on his eyelids, an impending yawn everpresent in his throat – but he knew sleep would be anything but peaceful when it came.It would be harrowing, plagued by bad thoughts and feelings – the kind of restless sleep that leaves you feeling worse waking up than you did before falling asleep. The kind that brought dreams that weren’t necessarily nightmares, but that were somehow worse because of it.Eventually, he did fall asleep, dreaming of flowers and trees. And it should have been nice and calming, but Changbin had never wanted to escape a dream quite as much as he did that night.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Changbin was little, the kids in his neighborhood had become convinced that their mailman was hiding something. They had quickly banded together dead set on figuring out what – convinced that whatever the secret was, it must be something spectacular, that he was probably connected to the mafia – and their ‘investigation’ had begun.Changbin had quickly lost count of their various theories, never caring much about it. The only time Changbin even came close to joining their little crusade was when a letter Felix said he’d sent got lost. Finding out whatever their mailman was hiding simply wasn’t on the list of his priorities. Why should he care if their mailman was mafia – he’d still gotten the Pokémon cards he’d ordered.The mailman, like everyone, was allowed secrets. Secrets weren’t his to know, not unless someone decided to share theirs with him.Changbin had maintained this view on secrets through life. Never really caring much unless it was it involved him. Secrets where everyone’s to have as they pleased, and unless someone was getting hurt, they really weren’t anyone’s business. Besides, most people’s secrets turned out to be boring anyway.This, of course, meant that Changbin had no clue how to go on about figuring out anything when someone was hiding something, so while he was painfully aware that Felix was hiding something – something major, something that was really bothering him – he had no solution to the problem. Over the next couple of days, Changbin felt as if Felix was still missing. The younger boy seemed to take every opportunity he got to get out of the apartment – the get away from him. Most days all he’d hear from him was a text telling him he was at Jisung’s, at the movies, at the library – anywhere but with him, anywhere but at home.Sunday Felix had been gone when Changbin woke up. A brief moment of panic at quickly been replaced by a heavy feeling in his chest once he saw the note on the nightstand; ‘ Went to Jisung’s. Didn’t want to wake you.’ Any other day the note would have been fine. Any other day it would have meant nothing but what was written, but that day all he could see was what hadn’t been; ‘Went to Jisung’s to avoid you. Didn’t want to wake you cause then I’d have to talk to you.’The day was spent with Boyoung watching shitty TV and eating shittier food. Once he called Hyunjin to berate him for prioritizing homework over a lazy day with them. They didn’t talk about the reason Changbin had texted them both to come over in the first place, but he was very aware of the small glances Boyoung sent him every now and then – checking, watching, worrying – and the way Boyoung was less likely to mock him for his stupid comments than she normally was.He also noticed the poorly hidden glare directed at Felix when he finally returned, before she shuffled out of the apartment with smiling to Changbin, reminding him about something he needed for class the next day, trying her best to act normally.Changbin and Felix barely spoke to each other before going to bed that night. On Monday Felix didn’t meet up with him for lunch as usual. They hade done it almost every Monday since the start of the year – neither of them had classes in the period after lunch, so they didn’t have to rush – but instead of a text asking where to meet, Changbin had gotten a text saying he was busy studying at the library.Changbin had spent the time with Hyunjin instead – a little miffed when he said that Boyoung had left campus for a photography project. Hyunjin was complaining about a difficult choreography that he was struggling with, about the girl in his class who had fallen asleep and out of her chair with a thud, about everything except what Changbin knew he wanted to talk about. Cause while Hyunjin was trying to hide it, he was doing it too; worrying.Changbin opted for throwing pieces of his food at him whenever he caught the worried look on his face, continuing the conversation as if nothing was wrong. Tuesday Changbin came home after his last class to find Jisung in their couch. He tried to ignore the way Jisung froze when he saw him. Tried to ignore the sinking feeling when Felix reentered the room only to mutter some excuse about an English project they had to get done before pulling Jisung out of there in a hurry. Tried to ignore the word that seemed everpresent in Jisung’s eyes as he left; sorry. An hour later he’d gotten a text from Felix saying he wouldn’t be home before late. Felix stayed true to his word. On Wednesday came their first real conversation in days. With Changbin tactfully ignoring all subjects he thought might end the conversation early, and Felix never offering any subjects himself, the conversation was pretty empty and didn’t get them anywhere – they talked about none of the stuff they needed to – but it was nice.It had him happy even when Felix left again right after, and it had him happy all through dinner, which Boyoung had brought along with a plead to help her with some homework – “I know Hyunjin would usually help with this,” she had said at his questioning look, “but he’s eating dinner at his parents tonight.” – and promises of going out to buy him lots of snacks when they were done.It had him happy the entire night, cause at least when they were talking Changbin could convince himself everything was getting better. He could pretend they eventually would be okay. Thursday Hyunjin was fed up with not talking about it. Sick of pretending that his best friend wasn’t miserable. At lunch, his face turned serious and eyes persistent. “What’s going on with you and Felix? You have been off since this weekend.”Changbin knew the look, knew Hyunjin wasn’t going to let it go, knew there was no use dancing around the question. “I don’t know.” He looked down at his hands. “He refuses to talk to me. We talked some yesterday, but then I was so scared of messing it up that I didn’t even bring it up. But then he was the same this morning. Left early even though he only has afternoon classes today.”Hyunjin took a while to answer, something he often did when he was being serious; when he was trying to be helpful rather than funny. “You know I don’t know how this works. I don’t know if fighting and making up is supposed to be different with soulmates or if it’s the same as for any relationship.”Changbin had never heard him say the word soulmate or relationship quite like he just had, but he couldn’t pinpoint what was different about it.“And I certainly can’t give you any advice different from what literally anyone else would have said, and I know it’s not easy, but you have to talk to him.”Changbin knew he was right, knew he was only saying stuff that Changbin had already known, but he still felt horrible talking about it. “Can we talk about something else now?”“Yeah of course.”“So how was dinner with your parents? I swear Boyoung is the dumbest smart person I have ever met. I don’t understand how you haven’t killed her while helping her with homework already.”The confusion on Hyunjin’s face was brief, but definitely there, and when he answered, his voice sounded strained. “Oh, it was great!”Too tired to push, Changbin decided to let it go. For now. Friday Boyoung came with the first reasonable idea Changbin had heard all week.“Why don’t you ask just Minho?”“Huh?”“He’s the one who picked Felix up, and Felix was at his friend’s place. He must know something.”And just like that, Changbin felt a little closer to a solution.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The hallway should have felt familiar. Changbin had been there dozens of times, and usually, everything about it screamed familiarity. The dim light from the ever-dying lightbulbs was welcoming, red walls warm, and the almost constant stream of music – somewhat muted but still audible from inside the dance studio – calming. He had never had a problem waiting for dance practice to end, cause the hallway had never been a bad place to wait.But, that day the hallway felt different. The dim lights were tiring, red walls harsh and distressing, and music distorted. It all felt intimidating and there was a sense of impending dread so strong it was felt almost palpable. None of the people that passed him paid him any mind and none of them seemed to be reacting to the unnerving atmosphere. Changbin knew this was because no one else could feel it. It was something he had made up in his head. He wasn’t there waiting for Hyunjin like he usually was - wasn’t waiting for a predictably strange but comfortable conversation with his best friend. He was there to talk to Minho, and he had no clue where the conversation might lead him – if it would lead him anywhere at all.The hallway was no longer familiar because he had no idea what was to come. Changbin wondered if Minho had been surprised at his text. They had never texted before. They had never actually spent any time together either – not alone at least – and they had certainly never talked. Had it been the other way around he would have been surprised. Had it been Minho who wanted to talk, he wouldn’t have known how to react. Their lives had been entangled through several people for a while now, but they had never taken the time to become friends – not outside a group setting.Then again, Changbin had no clue how much Minho actually knew. He definitely knew something about what had happened the night Felix disappeared, but beyond that Changbin had no clue what information the older boy might have. He didn’t know if Felix was talking about whatever it was with Jisung – cause whatever Jisung knew, Minho knew by default – or if he was in the dark too.Maybe Minho knew enough to have been expecting the text. Maybe had been surprised it didn’t come sooner.Either way, Changbin wished he had replied with more than a place and time to meet; he didn’t like not knowing what to expect. It felt like he had been waiting for an eternity by the time the music finally came to a stop, and people started coming out of the room. None of the dancers paid any attention to him – it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence to see him there – as they passed him, oblivious to the nerves building up inside him for every new person walking out that wasn’t Minho.He wanted to be done with the conversation. He didn’t want to be in the dark anymore. He wanted to know. Minho was one of the last people to come out, quickly followed by Hyunjin, who shot Changbin a look, clearly uncertain if he should be staying or not. Changbin smiled slightly at him, trying his best to signal he was okay, and Hyunjin was gone.Once Hyunjin had disappeared, Minho turned to face Changbin properly, a slight look of unease on his face. “I’m assuming you wanted to talk about Felix, right?”“Yes.” Changbin shifted on his feet, not quite sure how to continue. “When you dropped him off you told me to talk to him, but that… well, it didn’t exactly work.”“He won’t talk to you about it?”Changbin shook his head, feeling more and more out of place by the second. He had sort of hoped to skip this part; go right to where Minho told him what he knew. “He’s barely talking to me at all.”“Shit, really?”“Yeah.”Minho started walking, and for a second Changbin thought the older was done with the conversation and leaving. Then the older stopped and looked back. “No use standing around here if we’re gonna talk. You coming or what?” They ended up at the café at the edge of campus, with the pink cups and the purple flowers. It felt like forever since he had last been there, but in reality, it hadn’t been much more than a week and a half. He wondered if whatever was had led Felix into his current state of mind had already been happening then – if he had just been too blind to realize something was seriously wrong.“So,” Changbin shifted in his seat, deciding to jump straight to the point. “ What happened?”“The night Felix went missing, he apparently ended up in a park, very drunk and very upset. I don’t really know exactly how he ended up there, or what he was doing before that, but luckily my friend Chan found him on his way home. He passed out shortly after they got to Chan’s, so who knows what would have happened if Chan hadn’t found him.”Changbin shook his head, trying to push the thought out of his head. “No, I – not what happened that night, I have pieced parts of that together already. I don’t think those are the details that are important.” When Minho didn’t immediately answer, Changbin continued. “Do you know what happened, what’s wrong?”“Yes, I do. But I promised Felix not to tell anyone. But –”“I’m not anyone, I’m his soulmate.”“Yes, I know, let me finish.” The annoyance on Minho’s face washed away almost instantly, replacing itself with a look Changbin wasn’t sure was sympathy or pity. “He didn’t want me to tell anyone, didn’t want me to tell you, and I’m not gonna break that promise.”Changbin shifted in his seat, about to protest again.“But,” Minho said, shutting him up with a pointed look. “Chan, my friend, didn’t make that promise. Felix didn’t really tell him anything, but Chan seems to have pieced parts of it together. And I’m guessing some information is better than none?”“I – I guess.”“I’m really sorry I can’t just tell you, but I don’t like breaking promises. But I want to help.”“I guess I shouldn’t have expected this to come easy anyways. How do I get in touch with your friend?” When Changbin left Minho, the only new information he had was a phone number. He had texted it as soon as Minho was out of sight – and almost walked into traffic doing so – not wanting to waste a second. - Hyunjin was usually great at distracting people, and though it sometimes meant hanging out with him when you needed to get something done wasn’t the brightest idea, it made him great to be around when you wanted to get something off your mind.Changbin wanted to get his mind off his phone; wanted to stop checking for an answer from Chan every five seconds. And as usual, Hyunjin was a great distraction – just for all the wrong reasons.Usually, it was because he was easy to talk to. Conversation rarely seemed to die out, and he could masterfully move from one subject to another without making it feel forced. Usually, it was because of his weird ideas; because his mind worked in a way that was interesting – because he was fun to be around.But apparently, the lack of it all was just as distracting. Changbin had texted him immediately after texting Chan, knowing very well he was going to need the distraction, and his friend had been more than willing to comply. He had already been at the apartment by the time Changbin got home – let in by Felix who had left right after – and Changbin had found him on the couch, empty expression on his face, staring into thin air.Once he had seen Changbin a smile had been plastered on his face. He had started talking, and for a moment Changbin had let himself believe that he had just imagined it. That Hyunjin was just tired, and everything was okay.Then he stumbled.Stumbled over his words, creating a weird and unnatural transition between subjects.Then he faltered.His smile disappearing for a second, as he hesitated mid-sentence while telling a story from earlier that month.And then he backed himself into a corner, saying something that contradicted the information Changbin had been given previously. “Wait, I thought you were at your parent’s last Wednesday?”“Oh.” Hyunjin’s eyes went wide as he realized his mistake. “I meant Thursday, sorry.”“Thursday you were with me.” “I –““Please don’t lie to me. I’m sick of secrets.”At that Hyunjin visibly deflated, all traces of a smile gone from his face. “I’m sorry.”“For?”“We just didn’t want to have to deal with this on top of everything else.”Changbin couldn’t help but notice that Hyunjin was actively looking anywhere but at him, clearly unsure if he should be telling the truth or not.“Boyoung and I are over. We broke up.”Changbin wasn’t sure what he had expected, so he had no idea how to react. He was probably supposed to be comforting his friend, or at least say something, but instead, he just sat there with a dumbfounded look on his face.“She met her soulmate last Saturday. I didn’t tell you because Felix had just come back, and I figured we should let you deal with that first, and then tell you later. I was going to tell you on Sunday, but you still hadn’t sorted it out, so I didn’t. That’s the real reason I didn’t come over when you texted, I didn’t have any homework, I just doubted I could act normal. There was no photography project on Monday either, she left campus to meet up with her soulmate. And dinner with my parent? Didn’t happen. She just needed a reason that she was coming to you for help instead of me.” Hyunjin still hadn’t looked directly at him; eyes busy studying his hands, and nervously picking on his nails. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”“I had no clue, how the hell did I miss this? I’m so sorry.” Changbin pulled him into a hug, not sure what more to say.“How could you have known? Neither of us told you.”“What does this mean though?” Changbin pulled away from the hug again. “Like, are you still friends? Or how does this even work?”“I don’t know.”“It’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.”Changbin didn’t even notice when his phone vibrated half an hour later, and he wouldn’t see the text before hours later when Hyunjin left the apartment.
Yeah, Minho said you might be in contact.
Of course I’ll tell you what I know, hopefully fill in some blanks. Help you figure this thing out.
I’m at the studio until at least midnight, so if you want to talk today you’ll find me there, if not we’ll find time later sometime.Changbin stared at the address on his screen for quite some time before putting it into his phone, and then he was out the door, closer than ever to figuring it all out.
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“I’m assuming you don’t want to waste time with pleasantries?” Changbin was still standing awkwardly in the doorway of the studio and had yet to make a single sound, so he wasn’t quite sure how Chan, who was him looking at a computer, had seen him.“You are Changbin, right?” He asked and spun his chair around to face him. “Minho kinda just described you as ‘short’ so I actually have no idea who I’m waiting for.”“Yeah, that’s me.”“I was starting to doubt you were going to come today. You the one who was calling Felix so much? His phone wouldn’t stop ringing.”Changbin just nodded at this, still awkwardly hovering by the door, not quite sure what to do with himself. “Why didn’t you answer it?”Chan shrugged, gesturing for Changbin to come in and sit in the small, very worn couch that rested against the wall opposite from him. “He seemed almost panicked by the thought of going home, so far all I knew being found by whoever was looking could be the worst thing that could happen to him.”“That’s fair.”“Guess it’s about time to get to the point.” There was a beat of silence before Chan spoke again. “So, he was shouting at a tree.”Changbin wasn’t sure he had heard him right. “What?”“He was very drunk and shouting at a tree. Most of it was incoherent, but he was very upset and crying, so I brought him back home, cause I was pretty sure he’d get himself into some trouble if I left him there.”Changbin sighed, putting his head into his hands. He was tired of this. “That’s great and all, but it doesn’t actually help me figure out what is bothering me. It only tells me that Felix apparently yells at plants if he gets too drunk.”“Yes, I know, sorry. But, uh, you’re soulmates, right?”“Yeah, what about it?”“You know that sometimes, some people lose their colors, right? I know it happens to Minho sometimes, and it happened to me once back when I first met my soulmate.”Changbin wasn’t sure if it was what he was saying, or the sharp intake of breath that followed that caught his attention, but he looked up at the older boy, curious to see where he was going with this.“From what Minho told me, it has happened to Felix before too, right?”“It has.”“He was shouting at the trees about not being able to keep its colors. And he straight up flinched looking at my plant the next morning.” “No.” Changbin shook his head. “No, that makes no sense. He loses colors when we fight. We hadn’t fought before that.”“I think that maybe,” Chan’s gave him a sympathetic smile “That maybe that is why it bothered him so much.” “Wait, so this Chan guy thinks Felix lost colors without you fighting that night?”They were sitting on the floor of Hyunjin’s kitchen, cause the chairs were about as comfortable as they were pretty – as in not at all – eating ramen. It was nearly 3 AM.“I thought it only happened when you fought though? That would be something new.”“Yeah, I know, but Minho seemed pretty adamant that Chan had figured something out.” Changbin leaned back against the counter, tired of the conversation – tired of all conversations on the topic – but not ready to stop talking about it. ”And Minho knows what happened, I don’t think he would have sent me to Chan if Chan wasn’t on to something.”“I still don’t understand why Minho isn’t telling you.”Changbin shrugged, having already accepted that the older wasn’t going to budge. “I don’t know. Something about not breaking promises.”“He sure jumped through some loopholes by sending you to Chan though. ‘I promised not to tell, so here’s the number of someone who didn’t make that promise.’ I think he just wants to be difficult.”“I’m sure he has his reasons.” Changbin didn’t know why he was defending it, as he was growing more and more frustrated with everything by the second. “Wish he didn’t though. Would make everything hell of a lot easier. I need to try to talk to Felix about it again.”Hyunjin derailed the conversation after that, probably sensing that it wasn’t going anywhere, or doing anything more than frustrating Changbin further. They talked until late at night, eventually both falling asleep on the kitchen floor. Felix was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast when Changbin came home the next morning. Changbin hadn’t really expected him to be there, and he certainly hadn’t figured out how he wanted to ask about what Chan had told him, but it was hard to know when he’d next get a chance to, so before he had time to really think about, he sat down across from him.Part of Changbin expected Felix to get up, come with some flimsy excuse, and run out of there, but the boy just smiled slightly at him, at continued eating without a word. Changbin knew bringing it up could ruin that completely, and for a second he considered dropping it altogether.It took him a couple of minutes to say anything at all. “So, I met Chan last night.”Felix tensed a little and made an attempt at smiling at him. “Oh?”“Yeah, I’m glad you ended up with him that night.”Felix smiled at him again, but it was somehow even more strained than before.Changbin wasn’t sure how to ease into it, so he decided just to ask. “Had you lost colors, is that why you were so upset? Why you’re being so weird about it?”The tension in the room was unbelievable, and for a second Changbin wasn’t sure Felix was going to answer him. “N- no, that makes no sense.” Felix shook his head. “We didn’t fight, remember?”Changbin could tell Felix was closing up and getting defensive, which meant there was some sort of truth to what he had said. “I know. Is that maybe why it bothered you so much?”Felix just stared at him, tears welling up in his eyes, and Changbin reached out over the table and grabbed his hand.“Felix, I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”“I’m sorry.” Felix's voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”Changbin got up and pulled him into a hug. “It’s okay,” he whispered, “I get that it’s scary, but hey, the colors always come back, right? It always got back to normal again.”The broken ‘yeah’ that came from Felix as he pulled Changbin even closer wasn’t very convincing, and Changbin knew it was something they were going to have to talk more about, but he couldn’t help but feel happy.Maybe it wasn’t all good yet, but it was definitely better. “I’m glad you two are finally figuring this out. It hasn’t been fun watching you all depressed all the time.”It was Monday, and Changbin’s first class had been canceled, so he had decided to drag himself to the library to meet Hyunjin, who didn’t have any classes before later. “Yeah, he still wasn’t too happy about talking about it, but at least now I know what happened. He’s not being as weird anymore.”“That’s awesome.”“Yeah, and what about you and –“Hyunjin shook his head. “Haven’t talked to her yet. I’m sure we’ll go back to friends eventually, but it’s just weird right now.”Changbin could tell he didn’t want to talk any more about it and scrambled to change the subject. “Uh, so your hoodie isn’t red.”Hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “I mean, I wouldn’t know,” he said with an amused look on his face.“No, of course not. I just mean, the dance team hoodies are usually red, why is that one gray?”“I mean most of us can’t even tell the difference. For me, the shade just seemed a little off, but Minho commented on it. Sponsor paid for new ones, and apparently there was some sort of fuck up by the company that made them. We’ll get the red ones in a week or two. You and Felix meeting up for lunch today? Now that it’s less weird?”Changbin nodded happily and smiled. “We are.” Hyunjin had ended up forgetting his hoodie when he left the library, so Changbin had taken it with him instead, and by the time he met up with Felix for lunch, it had gotten chilly and he was wearing it.“That hoodie is way too big on you. It’s cute.”Changbin smiled as Felix grabbed his hand and started walking. “Hyunjin forgot it when we were in the library. So where are we going?”“I was thinking the café. It feels like I haven’t been there in forever. You should wear red more, it suits you.” Changbin stopped dead in his tracks. “What did you just say?”Felix sent him a confused smile. “That I want to go to the café?”“Felix.” Changbin felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Felix this is gray.”Felix smile dropped, and he looked trapped; like he wanted to run away again. “But the dance team hoodie is red. It has always been red.”“Are you still not seeing color?”
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“N- no, that makes no sense.” Felix shook his head, desperately trying to grasp the pieces of is lie as it fell apart in front of him. “We didn’t fight, remember?”“I know. Is that maybe why it bothered you so much?”Felix could feel his world come crashing down. In an instant all the walls he had built – everything that had protected him – crumbled, leaving him with nothing. He could deny it all he wanted, but he knew it wouldn’t matter. Changbin knew. He knew.Despite his complete lack of investigative skills his boyfriend had somehow ended up finding the one person who could give him any useful information. Hiding something from someone was so much easier when the other person had no clue what was hidden.Felix had expected Changbin to find out eventually, had imagined countless scenarios. Sometimes his anger was loud and he was screaming; sometimes it was silent and he left without a word. But he was always angry. Mad at Felix for hiding how broken he was, angry that he was withholding information that he was probably entitled to, as it related directly to their soulmate bond.This was the Changbin he was expecting, so when the boy reached out towards him, Felix almost flinched.“Felix, I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”Felix decided there and then that he must have been some sort of saint in his past life. There was no way he would have deserved Changbin otherwise.“I’m sorry.” Felix wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for – not telling him, expecting the worst of him? “I’m so sorry.”Changbin pulled him into a hug. “It’s okay. I get that it’s scary, but hey, the colors always come back, right? It always goes back to normal again.”Felix knew the words were meant to be comforting, but instead it sent ice down his spine. He doesn’t have everything figured out. He doesn’t know. Felix knew he should just tell him, tell him that no they hadn’t come back and that that was the most terrifying part of it. But Felix was scared he’d pull way, – please don’t pull away – scared he’d realize he was too broken. So he chose to lie, croaking out a choked up ‘yeah’.If Felix had been a saint in his past life, Changbin must have been a terrible person. Or else he would have never ended up bonded to someone as fucked up as he was.Felix held on to Changbin as if his life depended on it, hating himself for feeling better at the reassurances Changbin was muttering into his ear. He didn’t deserve them, he was a liar – he didn’t deserve Changbin.At least Changbin would end up with someone great in his next life. Despite the big secret still looming over them – and the guilt that came with keeping said secret – Felix let himself enjoy the rest of the weekend. A sense of normalcy returned to the apartment, and while the guilt was still there, the tension had seeped out of it and Felix no longer felt suffocated by it while he was around Changbin. Everything wasn’t fine, but Changbin was, and that was more than enough for Felix. He could figure out the rest of it himself.They didn’t leave the apartment, instead spending time together inside, just enjoying each other’s presence for what felt like the first time in forever. Felix hadn’t quite been aware of how much he had missed Changbin – the feeling had been buried by the guilt he had felt when looking at him – but it truly did feel as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders.Occasionally the thought of just telling him the truth crossed Felix’s mind, but each time he killed the thought before he could contemplate it. It brought up feelings of panic he didn’t want to deal with. The fear that Changbin would leave him if he knew just how broken he actually was.Felix wouldn’t even blame him if he did. He would just miss him, even if he didn’t deserve to. Monday morning, as his first class started, Felix could be found standing in front of Minho’s door. He had been there a million times before – mostly because of Jisung, but lately also for Minho – so he shouldn’t have been nervous. Yet, his heart was beating uncomfortably fast as he stood there trying to convince himself to knock.Felix and Minho had never been very close. They had only ever really had Jisung in common, and when he thought about it, the time Minho came to pick him up from Chan’s was probably the first time they had ever spent time alone together. Still, Minho had shown up looking genuinely worried about him, and Felix had broken down completely and told him everything.A small part of Felix’s brain had selfishly been hoping Minho had gone through something similar before, and that he would be able to tell him that everything would get back to normal soon, but mostly telling him had been an involuntary reaction to seeing someone familiar. A reaction to the worry on his face, and the realization that if Minho was this worried, then what about Jisung, what about Changbin?He had panicked once it dawned on him what he had told Minho – that Minho now could choose to tell someone else – and had made the older boy promise not to tell anyone, especially Changbin, several times before he allowed himself to calm down again.They had talked several times since, cause while Minho’s advice usually boiled down to just telling Changbin, Felix found it nice talking to someone who knew everything. Someone he didn’t constantly feel like he was lying to. But this time it was different. For the first time in days, Felix was letting himself step out of the little happy bubble that had been created when he talked to Changbin, and back into reality. Reality wasn’t nearly as nice.And while he knew reality had to be faced, he would much rather just go back inside the happy bubble, even if he knew it would inevitably pop.The door opened before he could muster up the courage to knock – or make the decision to run the other way – and Minho dragged him in.“You have been standing there for like 5 minutes. It was getting ridiculous.”Felix followed silently behind him, trying to sort through all the thoughts running rampant in his head. There were many of them; all screaming conflicting things. He was pretty sure he knew which ones Minho would agree with already, but he wasn’t sure those were the ones he wanted to be elaborated. Telling never seemed like a good option.All the thoughts went silent at once when he saw Jisung. He was sitting cross-legged on the couch with the cat in his lap, looking slightly hurt.“You’re supposed to be in class,” Felix muttered, before turning to Minho. “He’s supposed to be in class.”Jisung huffed at this, looking annoyed, and Minho sent Felix a sympathetic look. “Sorry, I let it slip that you were coming over and he refused to leave.”Jisung scoffed, lifting the cat of his lap. The gentleness and care in his movements did not extend to his eyes. “We’re supposed to be friends you know.” He pushed himself off the couch, but he made no move to get closer to them. “I get that something is bothering you and I get that I don’t know the full story of it, and I have tried to be patient with you but honestly I’m sick of it.”“Jisung.” There was something in Minho’s voice that suggested this was a conversation they had had before, and Felix felt more lost than ever. “Drop it.”“I don’t want to drop it. I want him to talk to me.” Jisung glared at him, before turning to gaze to Felix. “I was fine with you spending pretty much all your time here because you were avoiding Changbin. And I wanted to let you tell me why on your own time, but you keep confiding in Minho instead of me and that kinda hurts. I’m supposed to be your best friend.”“Jisung.”“No shut up Minho, stay out of this. Do you not trust me Felix, is that it?”“Jisung, seriously just–““I still can’t see color,” Felix interrupted. He didn’t want them to fight because of him. “That’s what I haven’t been telling you.”Jisung had looked about ready to explode, but in an instant all anger and irritation were gone from his face, replaced by confusion. “What?”“When I freaked out and disappeared, it wasn’t just because I lost color without fighting. It was because I lost all colors without fighting. And they’re still not back.”The room fell silent as they all waited for someone else to take the word. Jisung was the first one to speak again. “Which ones? How many are still gone?”Felix averted his gaze, not wanting to see Jisung’s reaction when he answered. “All of them.”“That hasn’t happened before.”Felix just shook his head and didn’t say anything before Jisung crashed into him crushing him in a hug. “Which one of you was it by the way? Jisung might have thought to go to Chan for answers on his own, but Changbin certainly wouldn’t have.”“Minho doesn’t break promises,” Jisung muttered, pulling away from the hug again. “You just have to make sure to cover all your bases when he makes one to you.”Felix turned to look at Minho. “I guess you were right that it would be better if Changbin knew. Thank you.”Minho simply shrugged. “This mean you’ll tell him you still can’t see color?”“Oh god no.”And just like that, they were launched into the same discussion they had had several times lately, but with the addition of Jisung, who was more than happy to come with his opinions and advice.Annoyingly, Jisung agreed with Minho. Felix would just have to ignore the both of them. Felix had become good at pretending to see colors. It was surprisingly easy – colors rarely actually came up in conversation, even with the people who could see them. And even though he couldn’t see colors now, he had been able to for the majority of his life, and colors didn’t really change all that much; a lemon was still yellow even when he couldn’t see pigment.It was especially easy because he didn’t really go to many places he hadn’t been before. Sure, he didn’t know the color of the car passing them, but the wall it drove past? That had always been blue, so surely it was today too.It was a pretty foolproof system – it had worked perfectly fine with Jisung – and he was sure he could keep it up with Changbin for a long time if he tried to, so he wasn’t really worried when he went to meet him for lunch.He did not expect to fuck it up right away.Then he fucked it up right away. "So where are we going?" Changbin asked, reaching out his hand to Felix as he started walking, smiling when Felix immediately grabbed it. “I was thinking the café. It feels like I haven’t been there in forever,” He smiled, taking note of the hoodie Changbin was wearing. The dance hoodie had always been red, so surely it was that day too. “You should wear red more, it suits you.”Felix wasn’t sure what was happening when Changbin stopped, effectively pulling him to a stop as well. “What did you just say?”He tilted his head slightly, pretty sure nerves ruined what was meant to be a smile. “That I want to go to the café?”“Felix.” There was something in Changbin’s eyes, that Felix couldn’t quite decipher. A desperateness in his voice. “Felix this is gray.”Felix couldn’t breathe, any trace of a smile gone from his face. “But the dance team hoodie is read. It has always been red.”Once again everything came crashing down and Felix could do nothing but stand there and watch as fires lit around him. Changbin had all the pieces, and the second he put them together it would be over. He would hate him. Everything would be gone.“Are you still not seeing color?”And the world burned gray.
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Are you still not seeing color?
The question rang in his ears long after it was asked. Felix knew he was supposed to be answering – or at least acknowledging that Changbin had spoken – but all he could do was stand there, mind completely wiped of any appropriate response. Scrubbed clean of anything except sic words, repeating themselves like a mantra. Are you still not seeing color?He didn’t react when Changbin stepped around him so that he was standing directly in front of him. The older boy was clearly trying – and failing to get his attention. And though Felix was registering this – aware that his lips were moving – the words he was saying weren’t. Any and all words Changbin said seemed to become a garbled mess in his head, twisting and turning into a nonsensical array of sounds, until eventually, they had distorted themselves into the same dreaded question. Are you still not seeing color?“Felix–“ Are you still not seeing color?Suddenly hyperaware of the fact that the boy was standing close Felix pulled his hand out of Changbin’s, scrambling to put space between them. Because now Changbin knew – he knew he knew he knew – that he was still not seeing color. “No, don’t.” There was an urgency in Changbin’s voice, panic written on his face, as he stepped towards Felix again. “Don’t disappear again. I won’t make you talk, I promise, just please don’t run away again.” He reached out his arm towards Felix’s hand, only to hesitate and let it fall back down by his side. “Please.”There was a sickening feeling of uncertainty bubbling up in Felix’s chest, urging him to run away – run away because anything would be better than standing there and just waiting for something to happen - but he made no move to do so, settling for diverting his eyes away from Changbin and to the ground instead.“Let’s go home.” Changbin stayed true to his promise. A part of Felix wished he wouldn’t. It was hard to speak when Changbin was actively seeking answers, but this, this was almost worse.They hadn’t spoken at all on the way home, and the second they had entered the apartment Felix had let himself slide down the wall so that he was just sitting there, hugging himself with his eyes closed. For a couple of seconds Changbin had hovered close, his hesitation clear to Felix even with his eyes closed, before he had shuffled further into the apartment.The silence had been comforting at first – safe as he tried to sort through his thoughts and nerves – but it had quickly grown suffocating. Sure, no one was pushing him to talk, but the tension had grown almost tangible, making it feel impossible for him to start talking on his own.Felix wasn’t sure how long he sat there trying to convince himself to say something before he finally did. “I’m sorry.” “What?”Changbin’s answer had come from closer than Felix expected – the boy apparently not straying as far as Felix had thought. “You’re right, I am not seeing colors and I haven’t been for a while. I should have told you, I’m sorry.”“Felix.”His voice had been even closer this time, and when Felix opened his eyes, Changbin was standing only a few paces in front of him. Felix diverted his eyes as he continued. “I should have told you, but I didn’t want you to be disappointed when you found out how worthless I am.”“Felix, I–““I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know why I’m not seeing colors anymore, but it makes me feel like shit, and I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do.” Felix was overly aware that his voice was breaking now, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. “I don’t want to be broken.”“Felix, shut up and listen to me please.”Felix shifted, instinctively trying to move further away at the words, even though Changbin’s voice had been soft, and refused to look at the older boy. But he didn’t say anything.Changbin sighed, and sat down in front of him, careful to leave space between them. “Look, I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like to lose colors. Or that I know what I would have done if our roles were reversed, cause I don’t. If losing colors make you feel like you don’t want this anymore, that’s fine too. You don’t have too feel obligated or pressured to stay if it’s not making you happy. You have to do what feels right for you. And I hope I will always be part of that, in some way or another, even if it is just as a friend, but if you’re not happy, then I don’t have to be.“But you are not broken, Felix. Not disappointing, and certainly not worthless. I don’t care if you don’t see color, or if you get them back tomorrow, or in a week, or in ten years, or if you get them back and never lose them again, or if you lose them another million times. It makes no difference. It doesn’t matter if you never see color again; I love you. That’s not going to change. You’re it for me, Felix. Always have been, always will be. You’re where I end.”He didn’t look up before Changbin stopped talking, on to look away instantly. In the short moment he had looked up, Felix had seen the same uncertainty and pain he had been carrying for what felt like forever reflected in Changbin’s eyes, and he absolutely hated it. That was his fault. He had caused that pain, was the reason Changbin was hurting.He couldn’t even seem to keep his broken to himself – he was breaking everything around him too.“I do want to stay,” Felix eventually whispered, still refusing to look up. “That was never even a question. I was scared you wouldn’t. That you don’t.”That was all it took for Changbin to close the space between them, pulling Felix into a hug. “That’s stupid,” he muttered. “Of course I do. Always.”And while the world was still colorless when Felix leaned into the hug, he couldn’t help but feel like it was better.
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The hug should by no means have been comfortable.If you broke it down to its components and looked at them, it contained more traits of an uncomfortable hug than a comfortable one. It was too hot, slightly clammy, and they were both in awkward positions from one another.There was only really one comfortable thing about the hug; them. They were still them. Despite Changbin knowing everything, he was still there. Despite the uncertainty that had been cast on their soulmate bond the second Felix had started losing colors – and especially once they had disappeared for no reason and not come back – he was still there. Colors or not, he was there, and they were still them. And that automatically canceled out anything objectively bad about the hug, making it the most comfortable thing to happen to him in ages.Cause despite everything, he still had Changbin. They sat there for what felt like an eternity, neither of them saying anything but neither of them making a move to end the hug, before eventually, Changbin shifted, pulling away so that he was once again sitting in front of Felix – though considerably closer than he had before. Changbin tried smiling at him, but quickly dropped the attempt, and settled with a look Felix had definitely seen before, but always failed to read.Changbin looked serious like this, much older than he was. And while it wasn’t a sad look, there was definitely some sadness trapped in his eyes, only concealed by the pure care. Care for him Felix had come to realize.Slowly Changbin’s hand came up to his cheek, rests of hesitation – the same hesitation Felix had seen on him when he was scared he was going to bolt and disappear again – still lingering in his movements. Still, once he had wiped Felix’s tears away with his thumb, his hand stayed on his face and Felix unconsciously leaned into the touch.“When did we stop talking to each other?”Felix knew Changbin wasn’t actually looking for an answer, and even if he was, Felix had no clue how to begin responding to the question.“We used to tell each other everything. We didn’t have secrets. Not like these.”“I know.”“I want that back again. Can we try to do that?”It took Felix a second to realize he was nodding. “Yeah, I think we can do that.”“Yeah?”“Yeah.” Felix leaned forward, closing the small space between them, lightly pressing his lips on to Changbin’s.Changbin’s eyes fluttered down to the floor for a second, and when they came up again to meet Felix’s he was smiling, all traces of his sadness gone from his eyes. “Great.” His smile was infectious, and Felix found himself mirroring it in an instant.“Now,” Changbin moved his hand away from Felix’s face. “Let’s get up. Our floor is uncomfortable.”When Changbin still hadn’t moved a muscle a couple of seconds later, Felix raised an eyebrow in question. “Thought the floor was uncomfortable?”Changbin shrugged. “I’m lazy.”“Not the word I’d use, but okay.” Felix pulled himself to his feet with a smile.“What word would you use then?”Deliberately ignoring Changbin’s outstretched hand, Felix stepped around him. “Hopeless.”“Hey! Come back here!” Changbin laughed, twisting around and grabbing after Felix’s leg as he stepped out of reach. “Help me up.”“Nope, no can do.”Changbin had stretched out after him to the point where he was lying across the floor, arm crossed over his chest as he stared up at him. “And why not?”Felix shrugged. “I’m lazy.”“Hey! Don’t leave me here, that’s rude!”“Well, I’m rude,” Felix said, but he still stepped back towards him and grabbed his hand when he reached it out.Changbin instantly stumbled once he was up on his feet, tumbling right into Felix, who couldn’t help but laugh as he steadied the boy. “Don’t laugh. My leg is asleep, it’s not my fault,” he mumbled, leaning closer to the younger boy, letting him support most of his weight.“If I took a step backwards right now you’d fall on your face.”“Don’t you dare.” Nothing was normal over the next couple of days. Changbin was practically glued to his side, and most every moment spent outside of class was spent together. At times there were other people there too, but mostly it was just the two of them. They spent the majority of their time at home, content with doing nothing but talking or binge-watch shows while cuddled up in blankets on the couch. It was all things they had done before everything had happened, but they were doing it a lot more now, never really spending any time apart. It wasn’t hard to see that they were going from one extreme to another – no time spent together to all of it – and Felix was pretty sure they would eventually settle back into what had been normal for them before he freaked when he lost all colors.They didn’t seek out conversation about it, but sometimes they would naturally end up there when talking. It was something that had happened – was happening – and it was pretty significant, whether they wanted it to be or not. It was still a tough topic, rooted in insecurities regardless of promises made, but Felix quickly realized that it was something that was much easier to deal with when he wasn’t actively hiding that he was.Colors – or the lack of them – wasn’t something easily forgotten about. It literally surrounded them at all fronts, but for the most part, it stopped affecting how they acted around each other. The only times it did was when Changbin had actively tried not to mention anything even remotely connected to colors – causing his sentences to sound rather weird as he was overthinking everything before saying it – after he’d momentarily forgotten Felix couldn’t see colors and had accidentally said something that instead acted as a painful reminder of the fact. Felix had tried telling him that it was fine, but the boy’s sentences had still sounded weird for a while after.The hardest times were when Felix was left to his own thoughts. They didn’t shy away from negativity, even when his life was objectively positive. Their favorite topic seemed to be lies. Constantly bringing back the memories of lies he would always have made, regardless of the truths he spoke in the present and future. Even if the loss of colors didn’t deem him unworthy of Changbin, then certainly the lies he had told did.Whenever this particular stream of thoughts crossed his mind Felix had to remind himself to breathe, telling himself that these thoughts were only passing things. Cause despite them, nothing had really changed between him and Changbin. They had quickly fallen back into old patterns and habits. They were once again wasting hours watching shows and playing videogames, talking about absolutely ridiculous things in the dark at 3 AM when they should both be asleep, and trying to make food before inevitably almost burning down their kitchen and ordering take-out instead.He’d just remind himself that all these things were still taking place in a world of gray, that happiness still existed, and that happiness wasn’t synonymous with color.And while Felix still missed colors, there was definitely a beauty to gray.
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Jisung never had a problem with colors.He hadn’t cared much about them when he didn’t have them, and once he’d gotten them, they had been there to stay, never once fading from the vibrant shades he had seen when he had first seen them. And while his soulmate had lost colors within a week of them meeting – and several times since – it had never been something either of them dwelled on once they had figured out it wasn’t all that uncommon. It had just been a fact of life, and if anything, it had become something that could defuse their fights – “Ah, the color gods have spoken, and they have told me you need to shut up.” – and was often used to suck tension right out of the air, dwindling out pointless arguments and allowing them to return to normalcy.Sadly color loss wasn’t something everyone was able to take as lightly as them, which was something Jisung had known in theory but never seen for himself before his best friend had shown up with a bandaged hand and looking really pale. He had tried reassuring Felix that it was a fairly common thing, listing out all the things that had helped him and Minho accept it, but the boy had still continued to look almost sick whenever it happened. The severity of the situation had become extremely clear when Felix had disappeared. Though no one had known for sure why he had gone, Jisung had been pretty sure it had something to do with the colors, as the boy had seemed increasingly lost the days leading up to it. What had followed was painstakingly long hours where no one was able to get ahold of the boy, fear slowly settling into his bones as the possibility of his friend being somewhere safe seemed less and less likely.When they finally did get in contact with Felix, relief had hit Jisung like a truck, quickly followed by questions. None of them had gotten answered as his boyfriend had quickly disappeared out of the apartment, leaving Jisung to try to come up with the solutions himself.It had taken Minho too long to come back home, which told Jisung that he’d talked to either Chan and Woojin or Felix before dropping him off. Jisung didn’t need to ask him which to get the answer, the way Minho ignored his quizzical looks gave it away; he older boy had answers he knew Jisung wanted, but not the permission to share them.When Minho still hadn’t given up any information except “Chan found him on his way home last night.” and “He’s not hurt, just hungover.” an hour after he’d come home, Jisung had settled with calling Chan. He hadn’t known much more than what Minho had already relayed, but he’d been able to add a key piece of information, confirming what Jisung had already suspected; it had something to do with colors. Over the next week, he took every chance he got – which weren’t a lot, as Felix with them the majority of the time – to ask Minho about it. Felix had confirmed that it was losing colors that had driven him to go, revealing that the drastic reaction had come because the colors had gone without a fight triggering it, but there was clearly more to it. Whatever it was it was clearly bothering eating at Felix, as the boy refused to spend any more time at home or with Changbin than what was absolutely necessary. Jisung hadn’t pushed him on it, but he’d still continued to bug Minho about it when they were alone again.Jisung knew he was being unfair – knew that Minho was only keeping a promise – but being left in the dark was killing him. His constant stream of questions was obviously stressing out Minho, and he knew Minho wasn’t going to tell him anything no matter what Jisung did – he knew the boy had a thing about promises – and that he was just causing more tension by constantly asking, but the frustration of not being able to help wasn’t letting him drop it.They’d fought about it. A question to many causing Minho to snap, or frustration when Minho evaded yet another question causing Jisung to. It always ended the same; Jisung in or near tears, and Minho undoubtedly missing colors. They’d hug, both really frustrated more with the situation than each other, and the topic would be dropped for the moment. Apologies would be made, but they both knew they were meaningless; that this was a fight they’d continue to have until the situation was solved. In the end, Jisung hadn’t been able to leave Felix out of it. Though he had decided to let the boy tell him on his own terms, he gave in and decided he’d had enough when Felix once again decided he’d rather talk to Minho than him.He probably should’ve touched on the subject with more care than he did considering it was clearly a sensitive one – and one Felix had no idea he was so frustrated about. He’d come off a little aggressive, and Felix had looked extremely lost as Minho quickly attempted to shut him down. Felix had cut in just as it had started to escalate into the same fight again, and for a fraction of a second Jisung had been relieved that he and Minho didn’t have to have it again. Then what Felix had said had settled in, and he felt horrible.Horrible because he’d pushed him to tell him, horrible because Felix wasn’t looking at him, and horrible because he was at a loss of words, no idea how to help. Most of all he felt horrible for Changbin who had no clue and horrible for Felix who was clearly terrified of what would happen if he clued him in. It was idiotic; if anything Jisung knew about Changbin was right, he would be nothing but understanding. The boy loved Felix to pieces, and Jisung doubted there was anything that could change that.They tried telling him that. Repeatedly trying to convince him that he should tell Changbin, that he’d feel better once he did, but the boy had refused. The problem with an irrational fear was that it couldn’t be solved with rational arguments. And even if telling Changbin themselves hadn’t meant Minho would have to break a promise, it would definitely mean they’d break Felix’s trust, which seemed just as impossible.When Felix left them Jisung had turned to Minho immediately, pulling him close and apologizing one last time for the fight they could finally stop having. Felix hadn’t shown up to any of their shared classes after lunch, but Jisung just figured the boy had decided to skip the remainder of the days classes, as he has seemed kinda drained after talking to him and Minho, and sent him his notes – they were messy and had holes in the information where Jisung had zoned out, but they were better than nothing. He didn’t hear from the boy the rest of the night either, which had him worried until Minho reminded him that though Changbin didn’t know everything, Felix was no longer avoiding him and that it’d make sense that Felix was with him.He didn’t see Felix before lunch the next day. He was sitting with Changbin and Hyunjin, animatedly talking. The scene was weird for several reasons. Not only did Felix seem genuinely happy, but he was sitting impossibly close to Changbin – both things that Jisung hadn’t seen in a long time. In addition to this, Changbin was dressed differently than he normally was. Jisung knew he owned clothes in the color, but he had never actually seen the boy wear it. He was about to point this to Minho when Felix spotted them, waving them over. It didn’t take them long to figure out that Changbin now knew everything, and Jisung couldn’t help but smile as his boyfriend visibly relaxed more, clearly happy he no longer needed to keep the secret.Jisung didn’t dwell on Changbin’s choice of clothes before he showed up wearing green for the third time in as many days. It wouldn’t have been something noteworthy if it was anyone else – even if it was a color Jisung had never actually seen him in prior to this – but Jisung knew Felix well, knew green was always the first color to go and the first to come back. He had heard the story of how he’d met Changbin one too many times. It had all started with a green t-shirt.Changbin wore green on the fourth day as well. And the fifth and sixth. And every day. Jisung would’ve thought it was cute if it didn’t make him so sad.Cause Changbin wouldn’t stop wearing Felix’s favorite color.And Felix couldn’t see it.
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Felix woke up to sunlight filtering in through his bedroom window. It had been a while since he had been woken up by anything other than the shrill noise of his alarm since it was usually set to go off long before the sun had a chance to get up, so it was strange to wake up slowly for once.He had always both loved and hated mornings like these. It was nice to be able to wake up slowly - to be eased into consciousness rather than chucked into it -but it always bothered him to know that he was losing sleep. Usually, he would wake up dead on his feet, so it was always annoying when he woke up relatively early even on days when he could sleep in.Refusing to give up on sleep right away Felix kept his eyes closed, hoping the comfortable warmth and Changbin’s steady breathing would be enough to lull him back into sleep. Sighing heavily he opened them up only a moment later, reluctantly accepting his fate. He was awake alright.Being awake wasn’t all that bad. Comfortable heat still blanketed around him, and the atmosphere of the room was calm - which there had been a severe lack of his life. Changbin was lying next to him, cuddled up in the sheets and arms wrapped around him. The older boy was still asleep, but every time Felix moved even slightly Changbin followed, hugging him closer. Changbin always teased Felix about how he couldn’t sleep unless he was hugging something but the truth was that he wasn’t much better himself - not that Felix could ever get him to admit to that.The light from the window hit Changbin from behind, danced around his frame, and seeped on to his skin. It was a scene Felix was quite familiar with, as he had observed it several times in since he had moved in with the boy.A glimpse of a moment a lot like this jumped into Felix’s thoughts. A memory of sunlight seeping in through thin curtains, twirling across their room, and bringing life to the warm tones of Changbin’s skin. It danced at the edge his mind for just a moment, before slipping away and leaving him with the ghostly grays that had become his world.A week earlier he would have chased the memory. He would have tried to get it back; pulled at it until it frayed at the edges and came apart completely, and then beat himself up for ruining it.A week earlier he would have been left with a bitter taste in his mouth, a heavy feeling in his chest, and yet another reason to hate himself.Instead, he was left with a fond smile and a desire to make this moment last, colorless as it was. Felix had been in class when he first realized some of his memories were lacking colors. It hadn’t been anything extreme - only a single memory with graying colors - but it had been enough to send him spiraling. He had spent the rest of the class stuck in his head, going through one memory after the other, feeling worse about himself whenever he came across a colorless one.He had spent the rest of the evening obsessively looking through pictures on his phone, using them to recall more memories - many of which were graying. Eventually, they were all gray, with the exception of a couple of stray memories occasionally fighting their to the surface momentarily before disappearing again.Losing colors for the first time, losing them all and them staying gone, the graying memories - each event had seemed to harrowing when they happened. And at times, they still did, but whenever his mind wandered, he just tried to bring himself back into the moment he was in. Cause despite everything, he was there in his bed, listening to birds chirping their annoying songs just outside the window. Changbin sleeping next to him, looking adorable.It didn’t take long before Changbin stirred next to him, slowly opening his eyes only to immediately shut them again. “Creep,” He muttered, bringing his arms up to cover his face. “Staring at people when they’re asleep.”“Shut up.” Felix rolled over so he was lying on his back and crossed his arms. “We’re soulmates, it’s cute. I’m cute.”Changbin had always moved sluggishly in the mornings, so Felix was surprised by how quickly he shifted next to him and had no time to process what was happening before Changbin’s face was directly above his. He had an arm on either side of Felix, holding himself up as he stared down at him with big eyes.Felix squirmed under the intense stare, bringing his hands up to his face and peering up at him from between his fingers. “What?”Changbin shook his head, eyes still filled with disbelief. “You said we were soulmates.”Moving his hands away from his face, Felix raised an eyebrow. “And?”“I wasn’t…” Changbin diverted his eyes, looking next to Felix rather than at him. “I wasn’t sure you still considered me that.”“Bin, that’s stupid. I never doubted you. I’m doubting me – I’m the broken one.”“That’s stupid.” Changbin looked back at him. “We’ve been over this, you’re not broken.”“Maybe.” Felix shrugged. “But I guess we’re both stupid then.”“But, stupid and happy, right?”Felix nodded, trying to fight the smile growing on his lips. “Stupid and happy.”Changbin smiled at him, before he stopped supporting himself with his arms, and plopped down on to him, effectively knocking the breath out of him.“You’re heavy,” Felix whined, pushing the boy with no real force. “Get off of me.”“No, I’m comfortable. I’m going back to sleep now.”“I’m being crushed.” Felix deadpanned. “The light, it’s getting closer.”“Oh, shut up.”
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When Felix had crashed into bed after what has seemed like an endless week of classes, he had not been expecting to wake up before at least noon the next day. It had only been around 9 PM – Changbin hadn’t even been home yet – but he was confident his immediate future held at least fifteen solid hours of sleep.He had been expecting the bed to shift a couple of hours later as Changbin got into it– something that he always seemed to register even when in deep sleep – but he had not been expecting the soft voice and hand on his shoulder that followed.“Hey Felix, it’s time to get up now.”Felix, still not quite in the realm of the awake with no plans of getting there, just rolled over, effectively trapping the hand between the bed and himself.“Come on, we have somewhere to go.”Slowly drifting away from asleep and towards awake, Felix became aware of a hand, carefully stroking his hair out of his face. It was comfortable – which did not particularly make awake sound more appealing. Asleep and comfy, that sounded more ideal.“Wake up, princess.”Sleep still weighing down most of his senses, all he could do in response was grumble some incoherent threat warning Changbin to never call him ‘princess’ again. He had worked hard to shake that nickname when Changbin had first learned the English word years earlier, and he was not looking for it to make a comeback.“Yah! Sleepyhead, wake up.”And just like that, the soft voice was gone, and his pillow was pulled away from under him, only to fall down onto him repeatedly. It took Felix a couple of seconds to wake up enough to realize Changbin was hitting him with it. “Places to go, things to do. Get up, get up, and face the day.”It took Felix a second to confirm it was still dark outside, and then another to check the time. 02:43. “It isn’t day yet. I can’t face it. Let’s go back to sleep and try again in a couple of hours. Preferably many more than a couple.” Felix turned again, quickly pulling the blankets up over his head.Changbin pulled the blankets away again just as quickly. “Come on, I got that coffee you like. The one that is basically just caffeinated sugar.”Still not awake enough to even begin to wonder where Changbin had found a coffee shop that was open at two am, Felix just stared at him. “How are you so awake right now.” He knew that now that he had kept talking, kept being awake, Changbin wouldn’t accept defeat. Whatever he had woken him up for was now happening.“I might have had some caffeinated sugar too. It was disgustingly sweet. Rotted my teeth instantly. But I am awake, and I guess that’s its purpose.” Changbin reached helped Felix sit up. “Get dressed, we’re going somewhere.”“Where?”“You’ll see.” It took him half an hour to get dressed and drink his coffee, and while he was considerably more awake when he was done, he was no less confused. He still had no clue why Changbin had woken him up, or what they were going to do that they couldn’t have done later, at a more reasonable hour. And Changbin proved to be little help in clearing up the confusion, as questions of where they were going and why they were going there during the witching hour fell on deaf ears.The few questions he didn’t brush off were answered in vague and unhelpful ways, not offering up any actual information. Hadn’t it been for the bright smile on Changbin’s face, Felix would probably have been annoyed. But Changbin’s energy was infectious, and instead of annoyance, Felix felt a sense of excitement. Sure, it was confused excitement, as he had no clue what was happening, but that didn’t change the fact that he willingly followed when Changbin grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the apartment. Despite his excitement, Felix found himself zoning out as they walked, letting the streets around him blur and all become the same, trusting Changbin to get him wherever they were going, and his feet not to trip over anything even when he wasn’t paying any attention to where he was stepping. At one point Changbin had them stepping on to a bus, and when though they weren’t on it for too long, there were fewer lights when they got off, a little further away from the heart of the city.This had Felix’s attention, and as he started to pay attention to his surroundings again, he saw they were approaching a park. Not their park, the one not too far away from their apartment, but a bigger park, containing what seemed to be a small forest.“Why are we in a random park at 3 AM, are we going to a drug deal?”His voice was light and teasing, and he had been sure Changbin was going to retort with a snarky comment, but instead, the older boy just shook his head no, leading them deeper into the park. The park, or at least the part they were in, was empty at this time of night, and the only sounds except their own footsteps came from the occasional squirrel or bird curiously observing them from the trees, as they strayed off the path and on to one that Changbin seemed to know even though it wasn’t there.Felix was in deep thought, wondering if animals also had soulmates or if they were born able to see their colors, didn’t notice they had stopped walking before Changbin let go of his hand and moved to stand in front of him, suddenly looking very sheepish.“So, this is very stupid, I am aware, but uh, I still thought it might be kinda nice, especially since we haven’t really had the chance to do much since we started communicating properly two weeks ago, and uh if you want to go back home again that is okay too, we can just go home and to sleep if you want to.”Felix couldn’t help but smile at him, reaching out to take his hand again. “I still don’t know what this is. You just dragged me out of bed without telling me anything, remember? But considering it was your idea, it probably is stupid yes.”For a second, the sheepish look was replaced with one of mock offense, before he awkwardly stepped away from in front of him. “So uh, yes. This. I know it’s dumb, but uh, Hyunjin helped me set it up. And Minho. But not Jisung, cause he seems incapable of keeping secrets from you and –“Changbin rambled on as Felix took in the sight in front of him. Changbin had taken him through the trees to a very small clearing where trees had seemingly just forgotten to grow. It was a forgotten place for sure, too far off the path for anyone to remember it.The trees around were decorated in fairy lights, their soft light making the clearing the feel like it belonged to a world a little more magical than the one they lived in. There was a blanket laid out in the middle of the clearing, a picnic basket seated next to it. It was beautiful, wonderful and–“Not stupid,” Felix whispered, pulling Changbin into a hug. “This is not stupid at all.”Changbin let out a relieved breath – and Felix thought that was stupid, cause in what world wouldn’t he have liked this – and smiled. “I’m glad you like it. Come, I’ve brought basically everything sweet you can think off, that is if your caffeinated sugar didn’t already rot away your teeth.”And with that, Changbin pulled Felix towards the blanket, making him sit down before bringing the basket over to him. And if people would have compared the conversation that followed to the bickering of an old married couple, they would have simply retorted saying they had been soulmates for more than half their lives and would be for the rest of them. Cause at that moment, that felt truer to them both than anything else ever could. After a while of sitting there eating and talking, Changbin reached out to a switch that Felix hadn’t noticed was there before, and pressed it, and the fairy lights all switched off, leaving them in complete darkness. Changbin, who Felix could not really see as his eyes had yet to adjust to the dark, started talking before Felix had a chance to question the action.“So, I know this is stupid, but –““Stop calling it stupid, this is really nice.”There was a pause, and though Felix couldn’t yet see him, he knew Changbin had smiled. “The reason we came out here was actually also so we could get away from some of the city’s light pollution.” Changbin took a deep breath. “So that we can see the stars better.”“The stars?” Felix wasn’t sure where Changbin was going with this. Neither of them had ever been super into astronomy, and while stars could absolutely be pretty, he had no clue what had prompted his boyfriend to specifically seek out a place they could see them better. Changbin – who Felix was beginning to see better as his eyes adjusted to the darkness – looked unsure of himself when he answered. “Yes, the stars.”Felix knew there was more to it, and while he desperately wanted to know what it was – if only to assure Changbin so he didn’t have to be insecure about it – he didn’t want to push him to say more before he wanted to himself, so he stayed silent.“Stars they... Stars aren’t colorful. They’re just bright. Pretty. I figured it would be nice to look at something and see the same thing again.”Felix could sense Changbin was holding his breath, scared to have ruined something by mentioning colors; scared to have crossed a line. Felix didn’t know if Changbin’s eyes had adjusted to the dark yet, but he doubted it, cause the stupid smile on his face should have been confirmation enough that he hadn’t ruined anything. “That sounds wonderful Binnie.”Felix crawled closer to him, and they lied down on the blanket. Changbin’s arm settled around Felix, Felix’s head resting on Changbin’s shoulder, and their legs tangled together, staring up at the sky.One by one the stars popped into view as their eyes got used to the dark night sky, where it lay framed by the trees that surrounded the clearing. Before long they were pointing out the few constellations they knew to each other and making up new ones where they saw patterns that may or may not have been there.And it was nice and comfortable, and everything Felix had missed so dearly during the time he had spent doubting what should have been the surest thing of all.Eventually, they fell silent, but it was a nice silence. The type of silence that came with knowing each other well enough to make silent moments just as comfortable and full of meaning as one filled with conversation and laughter.And when Felix eventually drifted to sleep with his head resting on Changbin’s shoulder, his dreams where filled with stars they both saw the same.