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"It's hard""I know... I know it is, but we kne-""Yeah", she interjects, not meeting the other's eyes with her own, "We knew. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it now""F-Fany...""It's hard", she repeats. They share a moment of silence, finding solace in the non spoken words for a while. "Fany, I don't want us to fight over this again. Can't— Can't we just enjoy our time here before you have to go back, eh?""It's not enough...", she says quietly. Her voice is flat, emotionless, monotone. And even though there's nothing there, Taeyeon feels it deep. It stings. They've been together for a few years now, hiding from the public and giving everything in them to make it work. Taeyeon even more, because she knows how her girlfriend feels about it. About staying inside on important dates, on covering their faces when going out together, on showing fake smiles when being asked about their boyfriends on interviews. She was never fond of lying, of hiding, of not being who she truly is.Since Tiffany went back to California, everything has been even harder for their relationship. Long distance relationship now. She wanted Taeyeon to go with her and work on this new chapter of their lives together. But the older woman told her it was a silly hopeless dream. "How could it work?", she inquired not believing Tiffany was really serious about it.The thing is she was. Deadly.And still is. Well... Now not very confident about their situation, but if Taeyeon wanted it... If Taeyeon could just stop playing safe for a second. if so, she would love to tell the world about them. Living for that day. Someday. "What?", Taeyeon can feel the big ball of panic growing inside of her, making it hard to breathe, "W-What is not enough? Tiffany?""This", says simply."Can you look at me, please? Just— Just stop and loo—" Tiffany turns to stare at her, deeply. But Taeyeon doesn't see anything and it scares the life out of her. And that Tiffany sees. That look of panic and worry in Taeyeon's face softens her for a while. And then she can see the hurt in Tiffany's not so shiny eyes anymore. That hint of longing. Of sorrow. And in the reflection, Taeyeon sees herself and it's clear how not enough it is. All of it. "...Please...", Taeyeon murmurs in a shaky voice, her trembling hands reaching to hold her girlfriend's warmly. With much desperation. Tiffany swallows and her stare falls down again. She can't look at her without wanting to shed tears. Just like every night away from her, without Taeyeon in her arms, without being able to shout her love from the rooftops. "This is not how I want to experience love", states Tiffany. What about everything she ever dreamed of? Should she just give it away? Should she stay hidden behind the curtains and loving in the shadows? She wants more. She needs more. Deserves more. "T-Tiffany...""Can you please say anything other than calling my name?""No!", her voice is louder than she anticipated and she's now on her feet, taking a step away. Careful. "No, I can't! What do you want me to say? Want me to fucking beg for you to stay and be unhappy with me? I don't want that! You think I don't know you're breaking up with me?"
I'm sorry.
The words hitting her hard, Tiffany embraces herself and closes her eyes, a couple of lonely tears running down her pale cheeks. That's not how I want things to be. A new deep breath and she's back with the unaffected expression on her face. All the tall barriers she has been building from all the stolen moments behind cameras and inside four walls, they're there. To keep her safe and protect her happiness and dreams. In the future, at least.The next second Tiffany is up from the couch, impassive stare at the shorter woman. "Be unhappy with you? If you know that... Why do you want to keep this going?""Because I love you!", she says nonchalantly, as if it is the most obvious answer. And for her, it really is. "We're meant to be, Miyoung"."That's enough for you?""Well, yes!""Not for me". Taeyeon hesitates, forcing herself to keep her eyes locked on Tiffany's, lips trembling as the panic keeps growing and growing. For a second she loses her balance, taking a step to the side. She's bleeding after Tiffany's words and husky voice cut her open. "But I— How can you say that?"
I'm not enough.
"What are you so scared of?""Answer my question", says Taeyeon firmly, eyebrows furrowing a bit."I say that because I'm tired, Taeyeon. It's been years"."Exactly!", she throws her hands up in the air, pointing then at the other woman to give validation to her words, "After all these years... Why now? Shouldn't— Shouldn't we be stronger after everything we went through?""I guess", she nods, taking a step closer. A tiny one. "Shouldn't you have more faith in us?""What? I do!""No", Tiffany lightly shakes her head, remembering herself to just breathe, "You play safe because you're scared. You believe we won't last once we're out there. That then... Then our love won't be enough to keep us together. That it will be harder. It's safe inside, isn't it? Well... Let me tell you: our love is not enough to keep us together now""Stop". That's mean. Taeyeon closes her eyes, her hands turning into tight fists. "I'm telling you what is going on here, okay? I— I don't say it because I want to hurt you, TaeYeon. I want you to understand what is happening". Taeyeon shakes her head in disbelief. She turns around, her head hanging low as she cries silently. "Taeyeon...", Tiffany whispers, to get her attention. The last thing she wants is to hurt the woman but she knows after today both of them are leaving with bruises. "Give me a second", she replies, raising her hand a bit. This time the silence is not welcomed. Tiffany has so much she wants to say, to explain. On the other hand, Taeyeon just wants to forget this and go back to cuddling with her girlfriend in a land where everything is fine. She tends to do just that and Tiffany knows it. That's why she wants to just lay everything on the table all at once. Rip the band-aid quick so it will hurt less. That's what people say, anyway.A few solid minutes go by and they're still there, standing with Tiffany facing the back of Taeyeon's head a couple of meters away from her. Both in their own world, mulling over what to say and what to do next. Trying to solve the puzzle that is them.But then she turns around, determined look on her eyes even though her face is wet from tears. "Stop treating me like a child. You asked me what I'm scared of... And it's losing you. I'm scared of this, right now. And it's happening and I'm starting to feel like I— I can't handle it".Tiffany shakes her head, "You're not losing me!""Yes, I am!", Taeyeon frowns, looking at Tiffany like she just said the stupidest thing in the world."You are the one letting go of me. Not the other way around! You could have me... W-We could be happy if you just—""I can't give you what you want, Miyoung! I can't!", she pauses, breathing heavy, "I just can't, I'm not ready". Tiffany scoffs while looking away, her head moving up and down softly. "I am. I'm ready and I can't wait any longer. We've been keeping this behind close doors for so long and every time I have to lie about us... I die a little inside. Do you know how much freedom I got from leaving here and going home? I've never felt this free before but there's this one thing that's holding me back"."Me."Tiffany nods. Taeyeon swallows, holding back the tears. It's clear Tiffany has put so much thought into it and that makes Taeyeon feel guilty. She's been miserable for so long... Because of me.
"But I don't regret it, believe me", she takes all the steps needed to get closer and touches Taeyeon's face, cupping her cheeks. "I want you like I never wanted anything else in life, TaeTae". The nickname makes the older woman shiver and she closes her eyes, inhaling the floral perfume of Tiffany's soap. "But it's hard... And lonely. And I don't even have the reassurance of being out. I'm just there being alone and feeling lonely by myself"."I-I'm sorry"."I am sorry too. I... I wish it was different... Why can't we have it?", she whispers the last words, closing her eyes as well and pressing their foreheads together. Taeyeon's arms wrap around Tiffany's waist and she can't help but pull her real close, every curve of their bodies fitting perfectly, like everything else but this one single piece. This one thing that will be the end of them, that is now hopeless. Homeless.