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If there is one absolute thing Clara knows about the Doctor, it is that he lies.He is a liar, and a cheat and everything he says he is not. He kills and he injures and he stirs up hate all in the name of what is right.However, Clara knows that one cannot have the bad without the good; there are two sides to every coin.The Doctor inspires, the Doctor saves, The Doctor brings hope to the reaches of the universe that have never seen such a thing.Sometimes Clara thinks he’s just ignorant to that fact that he hurts some people; other times, Clara thinks that it's just easier to ignore it.And sometimes, when she’s all alone, she’ll think that maybe he enjoys it – hurting these people.Then she’ll realize how ridiculous that is, because most of the time the people that he’s in the process of hurting are much worse than he is – and she knows most of the time these people that he harms have it coming.But it’s times when it’s just Clara and the Doctor in the TARDIS that she wonders if he knows that Clara’s stuck in the crossfire this time; she wonders if he knows how much he’s hurting her. Clara thinks that she and the Doctor make such a good pair because they’re so similar. Clara craves adventure like he does – like it’s the most pleasant, addictive drug in the universe. Clara and the Doctor claim they hate violence yet run towards it and participate in it no matter what the cost. They both know things about each other that they dare not speak – like a child thinking of swearing for the first time – the words are ripe on their tongues but refuse to come out.Clara, though, Clara knows his name – she knows his wife. She knows what he’s done and when he’s done it and she doesn’t care.She loves him, and she lies through her teeth every waking day.She says she doesn’t mind doing this and that for some unknown stranger – she knows by the guilty look in his ancient eyes that he’s running an errand for his wife - of whom he didn't even tell her about. She knows that Madame Vastra and Jenny and even Strax think Clara’s just a replacement for the Pond’s – River Song included. She knows that she's different than all the other people he's traveled with and all his friends are sure to let her know. She knows that he calls her impossible – and it sounds so stupid to say that a person could be impossible – but Clara clings to it.It makes her unique and her own and something that the others in the Doctor’s live are not. She lies about nannying and teaching – she did like helping the children, but there’s more out there than words and humans and tiny constricting class rooms.Clara longs for the infinite walls of the TARDIS. She longs for the thrill of the unknown. She longs for feeling that her life means something –She longs for the Doctor.That’s really all it comes down to. The thing with being infatuated with a gangly ancient space-man is that you’ve got to keep it to yourself, always.Which is why Clara doesn’t say anything incriminating when the Doctor asks her how she knew to slap him when he was under the possession of the Cybermen.It’s why she’s snarky and almost mean to River when she meets her (River’s a big girl, she can handle it.)It’s why she keeps coming back to the stupid blue box every Wednesday. It’s why she’s behind on her bills, and her homework, and her laundry. It’s why she doesn’t call her dad that often anymore. It’s why all her normal earth friends stopped talking to her.It’s why she broke up with Nina.Clara hides and hides and hides and it kills her, but it’s got to be done.An ancient man doesn’t have time to fall for little puny humans like her. Maybe some time ago – when he was younger and more fresh out of battle – but not now; not when he’s hardened by war and trapped in lies and tied up perfectly in that stupid bowtie.
Knowing his name is the tricky bit.He doesn’t know that she knows it – or maybe he has some inkling of a feeling that she knows it – or maybe he thinks she’s forgotten it like she was supposed to all those moments ago.But his name - it’s old and powerful and ever so lovely – is not just something that one forgets. It’s something she carries close to her heart – that she whispers to herself when she’s alone like it's a secret prayer.His name is precious to her, and she guards it like it was given to her to watch over.That’s perhaps the worst lie she’s ever told herself – that he’s entrusted her - measly Clara Oswald - with, perhaps, the most important name in the universe.And she believes it – she believes that she’s just as special as his wife, as his closest friends, as his long forgotten but not unloved family.It’s nice, she thinks, to feel like someone she wants wants her.Even if it isn’t real. They almost kiss.Several times. They never talk about it. But Clara wants to.She always wants to, but he’s got levers to fix and a TARDIS to fly, so little ole Clara’s thoughts and concerns are left on the back burner because the Doctor doesn’t know how to deal with feelings.You’d think his age would make him wiser, but it seems to just make him more of an idiot.Clara doesn’t think it’s fair that he keeps toying with her like this. He might have two hearts in his chest to break, but Clara only has one, and it really can’t take much more of this.The thing about the Doctor that she failed to mention earlier is that, well, he lies all the time, but he really isn’t good at it.So, she knows – she knows when she looks into his eyes when his lips are just a breath away from her own – that he’s lying when he says he doesn’t care for her like that. She knows because what person does that to a friend? What person gazes with desire into another’s eyes if they aren’t in love?It’s Christmas tomorrow – perhaps she’ll tell him then. Clara Oswald is many things.She is a liar. She is impossible. She is dead. She has lived a long, fulfilling life, and as she makes her way back to Gallifrey in her trusty old TARDIS, she has only one regret.She wishes she had told him – told him all those many, many magical years ago - that she loved him.