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2:35 pm
Friday
Philadelphia, PA
CHARLIE (V.O.)
All I'm saying is—
DEE (V.O.)
All I'm saying is stop sleeping in my shower!
CUT TO:INT. PADDY'S — DAYCHARLIE is sitting at the bar, DEE glaring at him.
CHARLIE
Look, I'll explain it again...
DEE
No, I got it the first time.
She starts ticking off steps on her fingers as she speaks.
DEE (CONT'D)
You: wait until I'm out of the house.
CHARLIE
Yes.
DEE
Break into my apartment.
CHARLIE
I have a key, but yes.
DEE
...We'll come back to that. Okay, so then you go into my bathroom...
CHARLIE
Yes...
DEE
...and you pass out in my shower with the hot water running for hours.
CHARLIE
No! See, that's where you're wrong.
DENNIS stalks into the bar, muttering to himself.Dee and Charlie are too wrapped up in their argument to notice.
DEE
What do you call it then!
We see Dennis flit in and out of frame as he checks all the rooms off the main bar before approaching Charlie and Dee.
CHARLIE
Well first of all I don't "pass out." I'm conscious the entire time, I'm just really focused, y'know?
A sharp, Kramer-esque hand gesture.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
In the zone. I'm trying to map out the mineral concentration in water across the city. See, there's this part of the sewer, right off the—
DEE
Why do you keep coming back, though?
Dennis approaches.
DENNIS
Guys.
CHARLIE
It's a delicate process, Dee. You can't expect me to get every detail in one sitting, okay?
DENNIS
Guys.
DEE
I don't "expect" you to get any detail. I just want you to stop running up my water bill!
DENNIS
Guys!
They finally stop, although Dee still looks ready to wring Charlie's neck.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Is Mac here?
CHARLIE
I don't know, dude, he's your roommate.
DEE
He was around earlier, but he had a date or something and left.
DENNIS
Good...
His fingers tap against the bar.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Well, not good, actually, but that's the point.
(beat as he gazes into the middle distance)
Okay. I need you guys to do something for me.
Dee leans forward.
DEE
So, it's finally come to this.
CHARLIE
DENNIS
To what?
No—
DEE
You've finally come to the conclusion that I am the smarter, prettier, funnier, and all around more capable twin.
DENNIS
I have done nothing of the sort, you cow. I just need more than my own two hands to pull this off. Trust me, if I could find two mindless meat puppets to do my bidding, I wouldn't come to you, but as is we don't have a very deep bench and Mac cannot be involved in this plan in any way.
CHARLIE
What plan? And why can't Mac be involved?
Dennis stares contemplatively into the distance.
DENNIS
In a way, Mac is the core of this plan, but he can't ever know. No, the problem is Mac himself—to be specific, the fact that he is no longer as devoted to me as he should be.
He blinks out of his dramatic stupor.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
He's getting in the way of my routine. I can't have him running around on these "dates" at all hours of the night—he's skipping monthly dinners, he's never around for movie night, and the other day he stole one of my button ups, the one that really makes my eyes pop, and stretched out the sleeves beyond repair. No, Mac needs to be stopped. He needs to be put in his place, and stay there, and you two need to help me do that.
A pause. Dee and Charlie squint; Dennis looks at them expectantly.
CHARLIE
So, lemme get this straight.
Dee scoffs. Dennis glares at her so hard she might actually burst into flames.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
You want us to help you seduce Mac?
Dennis splutters.
DENNIS
No. First of all, that's not what this is, and even if it were, I certainly would not need your help. Or anyone's help! I am—
DEE
Can you just stop berating us and cut to the chase? What's your plan?
Dennis takes a deep breath and fixes his hair. Dee and Charlie watch, bored and impatient respectively.
DENNIS
The plan is very simple... I'm going to win back Mac's heart.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
ACT ONE
FADE IN:INT. MAC AND DENNIS'S LIVING ROOM — DAYBanging on the door. Dennis appears to open said door.
CHARLIE
Mac, you— Oh.
DENNIS
Finally, dude, we've been waiting—
(beat)
Wait, what? The whole point is that Mac's not here, why would you...?
CHARLIE
...No reason.
DENNIS
Okay. Sure.
He leads Charlie into his room, where...INT. DENNIS'S BEDROOM — DAYDee is sat on the bed, dicking around on her phone. When Dennis locks the door behind them, she looks up.
DEE
Finally. Can we get this over with now? I have other things to do, you know.
DENNIS
You absolutely do not.
CHARLIE
Why are we here? Wouldn't it make more sense to avoid Mac by not going where he lives?
DENNIS
Don't worry, he'll be in Doylestown for at least another four hours.
DEE
What the hell is he doing up there?
CHARLIE
He hates driving outside of the city, man, covered bridges freak him out.
DENNIS
I told him I need more conditioner, which they only have at the salon outlet outside Doylestown. I didn't tell him it's because they discontinued it.
Dennis opens a drawer in his dresser and pulls out the whole bottom of the drawer, shirts and all, to reveal a false bottom that contains several binders. He carefully picks out one (light blue) before replacing the entire setup.Dee and Charlie look concerned but say nothing.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Alright. Now that I have you gathered here, let me begin by introducing you to phase one of "Operation MacDennis."
CHARLIE
I thought you said this wasn't about you wanting to date Mac.
DENNIS
What? No, of course it's not, why would you—
DEE
Then why would you name the scheme your couple name?
DENNIS
No it's not! It— The game! The—
Frantic and comically triumphant pointing.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Chardee MacDennis! Are you saying that means you two are fucking?
CHARLIE
No, dude, that's the joke.
DEE
Yeah, it's ironic because it's not the teams. When you're actually using it to describe the two of you, then it's just...
CHARLIE
Super gay, dude.
Dennis makes some incoherent sounds of fury, hands wrinkling the plastic of the binder, then exhales every bit of air in his body.
CHARLIE
Doing alright, buddy?
Eyes still shut, Dennis nods once. A deep inhale, and then:
DENNIS
Okay. Okay.
Dennis lurches into motion, setting the binder down between Dee and Charlie and flipping through the contents with determination.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Phase one.
He pulls out and unfurls a blueprint of the apartment over the bed. Dee and Charlie turn to each other, wide-eyed.CUT TO:INT. PADDY'S BACK OFFICE — DAYMAC is sitting on the desk, squinting at a file cabinet. No idea what he thinks he's doing.Banging on the door again.
MAC
It's open.
Charlie throws open the door, then slams it shut behind him.
CHARLIE
Mac, you gotta tell me you're still in love with Dennis.
Mac blinks, then turns around. He is nowhere near as composed-looking as he thinks he is—his neck is very high.
MAC
"Still"? I was never—
CHARLIE
I don't have time for this! Just tell me that you're still in love with the guy, please.
Mac folds his arms and avoids eye contact. The ceiling is very interesting, actually.
MAC
...Maybe.
Charlie collapses into the desk chair.
CHARLIE
Oh thank god.
MAC
Dude, why—?
Hand waving from Charlie.
CHARLIE
No reason. Hey, you doing anything right now?
More frowning from Mac, but...CUT TO:EXT. MRS. KELLY AND MRS. MAC'S HOUSE — DAYMac is pawing at the top of the door frame.
MAC
I'm telling you, dude, my mom always hides a spare up here.
CHARLIE
Do you wanna just use mine?
MAC
...You have a key?
CHARLIE
Uh yeah, since the first grade.
MAC
No, but— I thought they changed the locks? A bunch?
CHARLIE
Yeah, my mom always sends me a new copy.
Mac frowns.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
You can have it, if you want. I don't give a shit.
MAC
Whatever.
Charlie opens the door.INT. ATTIC — SAMEMac is standing at the bottom of the stairs, and we can see Charlie's shoes as he rummages through a wall of plastic storage bins.
MAC
What are you even looking for?
CHARLIE
An envelope
MAC
...Of what?
CHARLIE
Of— Anthrax, Mac, how about that?
MAC
I'm just trying to help, man! I don't know what else you dragged me out here for!
Charlie resurfaces, pissed off looking. There's some dust in his hair.
CHARLIE
Look, it—
He screams into his hands for a second.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
It's an envelope of photos of you and Dennis and shit I was gonna make a scrapbook out of for when you guys get married or whatever.
Charlie realizes how it sounds about half a second before Mac does.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
There's some embarrassing pictures of Dee in there too, which is why I need it, blackmail, y'know?
Phew. Mac still looks slightly skeptical, but that quickly fades into a pleased little smile.As soon as the crisis is averted, Charlie back to rummaging around, trying to find something to stand on so he can reach the battered boxes on top of the wall.
MAC
You thought Dennis and I would get married one day?
Charlie gives him a Look. Mac keeps smiling to himself.
CHARLIE
Look, can you just help me find it? It's one of those big orange envelopes, okay?
MAC
Fine, fine, whatever, but then you gotta tell me what's going on.
He reaches past Charlie and easily pulls down the box Charlie had been reaching for.Charlie glares at him, takes the box, rifles through it, and then screams into the box.CUT TO:INT. MAC'S ROOM — SAMEDennis is doing some rifling of his own, Dee looking on from the doorway with a kind of detached fascination, like she's watching a squirrel trying to crack open a battery like an acorn.
DENNIS
Are you going to just stand there like an idiot all day or are you going to help me?
DEE
Nah, I'm good.
Dennis rage sighs.
DENNIS
Dee, I swear to Christ... Do I have to get the chart out again? Now that Mac is out and all "emotionally open" and shit, he has a diary. We have to find it so I can figure out exactly how to reel him back in.
DEE
No, no, I got it. The plan is you're gonna read his "innermost thoughts and desires" so you can give Mac nearly everything he wants before threatening to finally move on, thus ensuring that you two fall back into the creepy dynamic that's sustained you for decades, but you know what, Dennis? That's all you've been doing since you got back and it still hasn't happened, and whole thing is gonna implode in your face, because one day you're gonna push too hard and he's gonna finally leave. And believe me, I don't give a shit about the guy, but honestly? Good for him.
Dennis... doesn't say anything. He looks bewildered.A second more of waiting, then Dee shakes her head a little sadly and turns to the door.
DEE (CONT'D)
Lemme know when you finally get your head out of your ass.
CUT TO:INT. MRS. MAC'S ROOM — SAMEMac and Charlie are now scavenging in the room formerly known as Charlie's childhood bedroom. Charlie is on Mac's shoulders, trying to peel back the dingy crown molding.
CHARLIE
Stay still!
MAC
Dude, you're heavy as shit.
CHARLIE
I thought you were supposed to be all strong now!
MAC
I am strong! I'm so strong! That's how heavy you are, you—Stop wiggling!
A bit more teetering, and Charlie falls to the ground still hanging on to the molding, which rips off the wall and showers them both in plaster and other dusty wall shit.Groaning.
CHARLIE
Shit...
MAC
Oh dude... I'm not fixing that.
Charlie bolts upright.
CHARLIE
Are you kidding me? If you hadn't dropped me I never would've—
MAC
You should've let go! It's not my fault—
Charlie lunges at Mac (whose hands are already up) and shoves him into the wall. They've barely begun to tussle when something falls on Charlie's head. It's a stuffed envelope with frayed edges.
MAC (CONT'D)
Oh shit, it that it?
CHARLIE
No... This isn't my stuff. Whoa, dude.
He holds up a picture of a baby in an AC/DC onesie.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Is this you?
Mac grabs the envelope out of his hands, leaving Charlie with just the baby picture.
MAC
Oh my god, dude...
He lets the papers fall gently to the floor one by one. Official looking certificates, baby photos, legal looking things interspersed with crayon drawings and papers covered in rounded kiddie writing.
MAC (CONT'D)
I didn't know any of this stuff still existed. I didn't know my mom kept any of it.
We're all very suddenly aware of Mac as a human being with feelings whose mother never really seems to like him, whose father certainly doesn't, whose childhood home burnt down, who has been alone in his sentimentality for a very long time.Charlie is also now aware of this and glancing around uncomfortably, still awkwardly holding AC/DC Baby Mac.
MAC (CONT'D)
Wait...
He stops.
CHARLIE
...What?
Mac holds up a suspiciously crisp certificate.
MAC
When did my parents get divorced?
DENNIS (V.O.)
Aha!
CUT TO:INT. MAC'S ROOM — SAMEDennis is lying on his stomach on the floor between Mac's bed and the wall, where he has pulled off a section of the baseboard. His hand is stuck in said wall up to the elbow, but he quickly pulls it out, shoe box in his grasp.Said shoe box is full of little chotskies, crinkled photos and rosary beads and shit, but Dennis has found his holy grail.
DENNIS
Oh Mac, you sweet idiot.
He doesn't notice at all what he's said, too busy flipping intently through Mac's diary, which is haphazardly pasted into the cover of an old bible. Totally inconspicuous.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
(to himself)
You beautiful, beautiful idiot...
CUT TO:INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT — DAYThe room is in even more disarray than usual. Everyone is really into total environmental chaos today.Charlie is nearing the end of his rope, just throwing shit over his shoulders out of the closet right behind the door that we never see open.Unfortunately, said door opens now to reveal FRANK, inaudible at first under Charlie's continued screams.
FRANK
Hey— Hey! What the hell is going on in here?
CHARLIE
Shit, Frank, warn a guy.
FRANK
What are you doing in the bathroom closet?
CHARLIE
I was— Hey, you haven't seen an old envelope full of pictures of Mac and Dennis, have you?
FRANK
Charlie, I've lived here for twelve years and I'm certain I've only seen a fifth of the junk you have in here.
CHARLIE
Alright, well, it's not junk, okay? Everything I have has its purpose and you know that.
FRANK
The hell were you gonna do with pictures of Mac and Dennis?
Charlie collapses with a sigh onto the sofa.
CHARLIE
Dennis is trying to trick Mac into wanting to bang him again and I'm trying to convince him to finally accept that he wants Mac to want to bang hi cuz he wants Mac to bang him.
FRANK
Are you saying Dennis is gay now?
(beat)
Yeah, makes sense.
CHARLIE
Yeah?
FRANK
(nodding)
First time I met Mac, I thought he was Dennis's boyfriend. And the second. And the third and the fourth. Still not sure I wasn't right the first time.
CHARLIE
That... Yeah, that's fair. So, you haven't seen it? The envelope?
Frank shakes his head. Charlie yells, once.
FRANK
Did you check the toilet tank?
Charlie lights up, jumps to his feet, and takes Frank's head in his hands so he can press a smacking kiss in the middle of his forehead.
CHARLIE
Frank, you're a genius.
CUT TO:INT. MAC AND DENNIS'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHTEnter Mac.
MAC
Dude, you won't believe what I found out today—
The Mac Train grinds to a halt, confronted by... candlelight?CUT TO:INT. MAC AND DENNIS'S KITCHEN — SAMEDennis finishes lighting the last candle in a way that is obviously staged. Like, the rest of the candles are way shorter, so he's definitely been waiting on Mac for a while.
DENNIS
Oh good, you're home.
MAC
Uhhh, yeah. What's up?
DENNIS
Nothing, just, thought I'd try a little for one night, y'know?
MAC
...Yeah. Hey, so my parents got divorced?
DENNIS
I just thought that— What?
Dennis blinks in confusion, lost without his script.Mac flops down into the seat with a filled glass, which Dennis reaches for briefly before Mac starts to drink Dennis's wine.
MAC
Yeah, man. Charlie and I were snooping at our moms' place and I found all this shit and apparently she got divorced like five years ago.
DENNIS
Oh. Okay.
Mac finishes the glass and reaches for the bottle, but Dennis (still trying to act nice) gets there first.
DENNIS
Uh, do you wanna...
Dennis winces. Mac is staring morosely at his filling glass and thus does not notice.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
...talk about it?
Mac drinks more of his wine as Dennis sits, sympathy face slipping.
MAC
It's just weird, right? Like why would she do that? And not tell me?
Dennis is staring at the wall in a long-suffering way until Mac looks up at him with his big ol' cow eyes and the sympathy face slides back on.
DENNIS
Yeah, yeah, totally, dude, hey.
He leans over to put his hand on Mac's.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
You can talk to me, buddy.
MAC
(touched)
Thanks, dude. I guess—
Dennis is gone from the table, and Mac looks a little put off, but not enough to stop talking.
MAC
Well, so, we found a bunch of, like, stuff from when I was a kid...
Dennis returns with two plates of pasta with like vegetables and shit. It actually looks pretty good.When he approaches the table, Mac is distracted into gently silence, and when Dennis's hand briefly lands on Mac's shoulder as Dennis sets the other plate in front of Mac, Mac is completely gone.
MAC
You made pasta?
DENNIS
Yeah.
MAC
Fancy pasta?
Dennis tries so hard not to roll his eyes but, alright, yes, a few fucking vegetables is "fancy" for them.
DENNIS
Yeah, well, you know. We deserve a treat.
MAC
...But I don't carbo-load anymore, dude. I cultivated all my mass.
Dennis now does roll his eyes.
DENNIS
Mac. Live a little.
He does this little smirk thing that he thinks is charming, and it actually kinda is.At the very least, Mac seems to think so.FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:INT. MRS. KELLY AND MRS. MAC'S HOUSE — DAYMac is sat on the couch, knee bouncing with anticipation. Some interstitial music plays over the scene until we hear a thud from upstairs. Mac turns, en garde, as his mother appears at the top of the stairs.
MAC
Ma!
Mrs. Mac freezes. We get to see Sandy Martin's awesome wide-eyed blank stare. Blessings.
MAC (CONT'D)
I've been calling you all week, why haven't you picked up?
Mrs. Mac regains her composure, grunts, and heads for the kitchen, Mac trailing after her.INT. KITCHEN — SAMEWhile Mrs. Mac pours herself some coffee, Mac hovers over her shoulders.
MAC
For a second I was worried something might have happened to you, but then I remembered you always know what to do, and that you knew if you ever needed help you could call me.
Mrs. Mac grunts again and rolls her eyes, though Mac doesn't seem to notice that.
MAC
Well, there was something I wanted to talk to you about. Now, I know you always told me to respect your privacy, but me and Charlie were looking for something and we found—
MRS. MAC
Were you snooping on me?!
She actually looks mad.Mac, being Mac, responds in kind.
MAC
Why wouldn't you tell me you and dad got divorced?!
MRS. MAC
What?
MAC
Me and Charlie found this envelope and—
MRS. MAC
Shit...
MAC
Why wouldn't you tell me?
Mrs. Mac looks... not so much sorry as pitying, but there's still an air of sympathy to it.
MRS. MAC
It's none of your business, kid.
Mac stands in the middle of the kitchen, downtrodden, frozen, even as she brushes past him to the TV.CUT TO:INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT — DAY
DEE
Charlie, man, you gotta help me.
Dee fires in on all cylinders and immediately gets a handful of glitter and scraps of construction paper to the face.
DEE (CONT'D)
What the fuck!
CHARLIE
Dee! You cannot sneak up on a man in the throes of the creative process!
Charlie is there, arm outstretched from the throwing, with bandaids all over his hands and arms and a bandana around his neck to catch the (frankly concerning) amount of sweat dripping off him.Dee tries to rub the glitter out of her eyes, only making it worse.
DEE
Like you even know what that word means.
CHARLIE
Uh duh, Dee, I'm an artist. It's when you "throw" preverbial spaghetti and literal paint and crap at the wall and see what sticks.
Her eye twitches like she really wants to quibble, but then she catches sight of the rest of the apartment.
DEE
Oh you really meant that literally, huh...
The couch is covered in stacks of gutted old books, colored construction paper, and newspapers. There are magazine clippings and photos covering the floor, what looks like several kinds of leather hanging on the backs of chairs, and a printer in the far corner spitting out page after page of something.
CHARLIE
You gotta do what the art wants you to do.
DEE
Is that what you call it?
Charlie looks like he's gearing up for a rant when she puts out a hand to stop him.
DEE
Look, have you seen Frank's credit card? Everyone's distracted by this Mac-and-Dennis bullshit, I wanna see how much I can spend before he notices.
CHARLIE
It's in the potted plant, listen, I'm working on this spread about h—
Dee digs the wallet out of the long dead potted plant (which seems to also have toothbrushes stuck in it, bristles down) and heads for the door.
DEE
Alright, seeya.
CHARLIE
Wait—
The door slams shut.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
WHEN IS YOU GUYS'S BIRTHD— Goddammit.
He briefly screams into his hands, then sits back down at his sewing machine, chunk of blue leather in hand.CUT TO:INT. GROCERY STORE — DAYDennis is pushing a shopping cart. Mac is despondently tipping boxes into said cart, not looking even when Dennis glares at him and pointedly shoves them back onto (equally random) shelves.They linger for a moment in the cereal section.
DENNIS
Hey, Mac?
MAC
Hm.
Dennis swallows his rising anger.
DENNIS
You wanna grab that?
No response. Keep it together, Dennis.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Mac?
Mac looks up.Dennis's "smile" only looks a little like a grimace. He tips his head at the shelf.
MAC
Oh, yeah.
DENNIS
Get the family size.
That gets Mac's attention.
MAC
Really? But you never eat that much of it.
Dennis shrugs with a bashful smile we know is fake but still find sweet, unfortunately.
DENNIS
I'm hungry.
Mac doesn't move, just tilts his head at Dennis like a curious dog.Dennis, actually smiling now (albeit dangerously), just reaches over and up to grab it himself, vaporizing the space between them. Time is very slow, and Mac notices.
DENNIS
Besides, we're kind of like a family, right?
That hits the nerve, but the wrong one. Mac deflates again.
MAC
Yeah... family.
He takes the box, drops it in the cart, and steers the whole thing away again.Unseen, Dennis frowns and pulls something out of his back pocket.INSERT — LIST"Things That Make Mac Happy" is written at the top in block letters. Dennis scribbles out number four "When I eat more (for some fucking reason)". We can't see the entire list, but number three is "That indestructible trash dog" (crossed out with "still missing" scribbled next to it) and number five is "Protein".Back to Dennis, who grimaces at the next point before tucking it back in his pocket. He still looks frustrated, but just as we're about to cut away, we see there's an edge of disappointment to his expression too.CUT TO:INT. PADDY'S — DAYDennis, manically shuffling note cards, scraps, and papers at the bar. A few flutter to the ground in his haste, but he doesn't seem to miss them as much as he does... whatever it is he's looking for.Frank is sitting a few stools away, eating some peanuts. Dennis definitely hasn't seen him.
DENNIS
Where is it, where is it—
FRANK
Looking for this?
Dennis, the picture of fear, stares blankly across the bar before turning slowly to face what is technically his father and figuratively a demon.
DENNIS
No—
FRANK
"Mac, as loathe as I am to say it, you complete me"?
DENNIS
Don't—
Dennis reaches for the paper, but the bar stops him (just barely, though, it seems).
FRANK
"Against seemingly all odds and prior experience, your body—"
DENNIS
Please for the love of god—
FRANK
(waving the page around)
Even in a love letter, you're still an asshole.
Success, but apparently too late, because Frank just raises his phone and continues reading off the picture he'd apparently taken.
FRANK
"When we were in that underground fighting ring, I wasn't remotely afraid, because I knew you had my back. Even in the suburbs, insane as we may have both gone, you tethered me."
DENNIS
What will it take you to stop? Is it money? Do you want money? I'll give you money.
FRANK
Dennis, all of your money comes from me. If I wanted your money, I would have taken it from your paycheck already.
DENNIS
Why must you insist on torturing me.
Frank takes as deep as breath as his little body can hold. Uh oh.
FRANK
Son, it has come to my att—
DENNIS
Oh fuck no. Not this shit.
FRANK
Stop being a little bitch for a moment and listen.
Ah shit, he's actually serious. Dennis's face does not know what to do.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Dennis, your mother was a shrill whore, and all the pussy in the world could not make up for all the time I was forced to spend in her presence before she finally bit it.
DENNIS
This is what you wanted me to listen up for?
FRANK
Yes, now can it.
(self-serious pause)
Dennis, what I learned from your mother is that love does not exist.
DENNIS
(under his breath)
Jesus Christ...
FRANK
But then I watched that gay water dance sequence and I thought... Maybe love... could be real.
Without looking, Frank reaches over and pulls the countertop down so Dennis can't escape like he was obviously planning to.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Dennis, you cannot make this a scheme.
DENNIS
Oh my god, seriously? This isn't about l— It's not— You're one to talk! Everything you've been doing to me my entire life is a scheme!
FRANK
Be that as it may—
DENNIS
It very much may!
Frank does some serious pointing.
FRANK
You can't keep dicking around with the kid's feelings, Dennis, but you can't dick around with your own feelings either.
And then he... leaves. Why does this keep happening to Dennis?CUT TO:INT. COURTHOUSE — DAYThe clerk's window is empty. Mac is waiting in line.Mac, a very impatient person, is not so much "waiting" as he is bouncing on his toes and looking like he's a second away from shoving the remaining two older ladies in front of him out of the way. Instead, he taps one of them on the shoulder.
MAC
Um, excuse me?
Both women turn in unison, which is... a little creepy, but alright.Actually, now that you mention it, the whole situation is unsettlingly silent.Whatever, move past it.
MAC (CONT'D)
Sorry, but do you know how long this usually takes? I feel like I've already been here for an hour and I have other shit I have to do. Shit, I mean, uh—
LADY #1
Oh it's fine.
LADY #2
Please, I've heard way worse from this one today already.
MAC
Uh, okay...
LADY #1
Also, you got here right after us about fifteen minutes ago. The sign says their lunch break ends in another fifteen.
It does indeed say that, but Mac does not stop fidgeting.
MAC
Alright, well, listen, do either of you know if I can find out when and where somebody got divorced?
LADY #1
Well... There should be a date on it.
MAC
Right, no, I knew that.
LADY #2
Young man, are you alright...?
MAC
Well my mom got divorced from my dad five years ago and she won't tell me why so I was trying to find out if there was, like, a form that went with it where she had to explain, cuz she won't explain to me, and—
The shorter one (Lady #2) reaches up to put her hand on Mac's shoulder.
LADY #2
Honey, have you ever had a panic attack?
MAC
Yeah no, this isn't— No, it's not that.
LADY #2
Alright, well...
Mac crushes the big envelope in his hands a little as he covers his eyes. He misses the look the older ladies share. After a second, he straightens up, smoothing out the packet.
LADY #1
May I?
He passes it over, and she rifles through contents cursorily before pulling out the certificate and giving it a once over.She laughs a little, quietly.
MAC
What?
LADY #1
Oh nothing, just... This is our anniversary. It's funny, I guess kids will see it in history books now, but it was just odd to see it on really the complete opposite kind of certificate.
We can hear each individual cog whirring confusedly in Mac's head. At least some part of his subconscious has figured it out.She's saying something about finding whatever notary signed it, but Mac has beyond checked out.He takes the envelope from her hands and walks out.CUT TO:INT. MRS. KELLY AND MRS. MAC'S HOUSE — DAYCharlie is knocking shit off bookshelves, MRS. KELLY is watching him nervously, and Mrs. Mac is watching TV.
MRS. KELLY
Charlie.
CHARLIE
MOM!
Charlie stops, turns sharply, and waves his hands at her.
CHARLIE
No hovering!
Mrs. Kelly just huffs and stalks back to the kitchen, slamming cookies one by one onto a plate.
MRS. KELLY
If you would just let me help—
CHARLIE
Mom—
The both look over their shoulders at each other, glare, and go back to their tasks. They are comically in sync in their angry productivity.Mrs. Mac ignores all of this.After a moment, Charlie sighs.
CHARLIE
Okay, Mom...
She's there almost immediately. Charlie looks neither surprised nor annoyed, just accepting.
CHARLIE
I let you borrow my glue gun last month. Where did you put it?
MRS. KELLY
Oh, I needed it for—
Before she can finish, the door bangs open. Mac is back!
MAC
Mom, Mom—oh hey, Charlie—Mom.
He stops in front of her chair.
MRS. KELLY
Oh hello, Mac. Would like a cookie? I have a batch of ginger snaps just out of the oven for my boy—
CHARLIE
Oh my god, seriously, Mom?
MAC
(not looking)
No thanks, Mrs. Kelly, I'm good. Mom.
Mrs. Mac grunts. Mac, suddenly, looks nervous.
CHARLIE
Dude, what—?
MAC
Mom, did you get divorced when gay marriage became legal because you thought it desanctified marriage and if gays could get married then it meant nothing anymore so you and Dad got divorced?
It all comes out in a rush. Mac is too nervous to notice everyone else's reactions, but we're not: Charlie is stunned, then puts his head in his hands; Mrs. Kelly looks a little nervous and sad.Mrs. Mac just sighs heavily.
MAC
Is that a yes?
(turns to Charlie)
I don't know if that one's a yes.
CHARLIE
Uh, buddy...?
MRS. KELLY
Oh just tell them!!!
A twist! They all look surprised, except Mrs. Mac, who just glares.
MRS. MAC
(warningly)
Bonnie...
MRS. KELLY
You said we could tell them if they asked!
Both Mac and Charlie are completely lost at this point, although Mac is still breathing a little heavily with residual panic.
CHARLIE
Asked... what?
MRS. KELLY
We're married.
CHARLIE
You're what!
Chaos erupts. Mac looks blissed out of his mind, Charlie just looks completely baffled, and both are yelling incoherently.
CHARLIE
When the hell did that happen?
MAC
Mom, you're gay too?
CHARLIE
You had a wedding and you didn't invite your only son?
MAC
That's so great!
Mrs. Mac sighs but grunt/shrugs in a way that must mean "yes", because then Mac is glomping onto her excitedly. After a second, Mrs. Kelly joins in, making grabby hands in Charlie's direction.Charlie is looking on with distaste and confusion, until Mac actually grabs his sleeve and drags him into the group hug. Family!The four of them stand there for a moment longer before we hear another continuous buzz.
CHARLIE
Dude, pick it up.
MAC
Oh, right.
Mac reaches back into his pocket, still leaning on his mom and keeping Charlie trapped with his other hand.
MAC
It's Dennis. Whoa, lotta texts. Uh, there's something at the bar he wants me to see?
As Mac continues thumbing through the messages, Charlie's eyes grow wider and wider.
CHARLIE
Shit.
Charlie easily slips out of Mac's grasp and the hug as a whole before running out the door.CUT TO:INT. PADDY'S — DAYDennis is pacing behind the bar, a piece of paper in one hand as the other does sort of rehearsing theatre kid gestures (lots of rising and falling, etc), muttering to himself. There is a big box on the bar that Dee is staring at with bored curiosity. Obviously, this scene has been going on for a while.After a moment, Dennis stops, shaking himself out.
DENNIS
(to himself)
Alright, alright, okay.
(to Dee)
How's my hair?
Dee raises an implacable eyebrow.
DEE
Seriously?
DENNIS
Yes, seriously, you bitch. When am I ever not serious?
She shakes her head and turns back to her beer.
DEE
Like Mac's gonna notice what your hair looks like, he lives so far up your ass.
DENNIS
I never said it was for Mac. I want to look flawless at all times. Honestly, I don't know why I'd even ask you, you always look like a bird's nested on your head, which is ironic, really, a bird nesting on a bird—
Dennis is very clearly rambling, and Dee momentarily takes pity on him.
DEE
The guy's been in love with you since high school, Dennis. Just tell him you love him back and it'll be fine.
DENNIS
I am not—!
A long pause. Finally. Third time's the charm, apparently, vis a vis people not-so-gently prodding Dennis into realizing why he's actually doing all this nonsense.
DEE
Exactly. God, you two really do deserve each other.
DENNIS
How dare you. Mac, yes, sure, but me? I can do much better than a white trash closet case.
DEE
Then why don't you?
Before Dennis can fire back (and it's not sure that he will—he looks a little freaked), Mac fires in.
MAC
Guys guys guys, you will never believe what just happened.
Dee tips her beer at Dennis and heads for the back office.
DEE
Good luck, Romeo.
Dennis is still obviously processing this when Mac rounds the bar to grab a bottle. There are definitely other places he could get one, but he ends up right up next to Dennis, because of course he does.
MAC
So I was trying to figure out why my mom got divorced, right? And I was at the courthouse, and hey, did you know they'll just let anybody get any of that shit? We could totally see if any famous people have gotten arrested in Philly and sell it to a newspaper or something, anyway—
Dennis blinks, and blinks again. Mac has been gesticulating a lot and some of his beer has spotted the counter, and Dennis just blinks.
DENNIS
Mac.
MAC
I went over there and— Yeah?
Dennis reaches for his pocket, and the speech in it.
MAC (CONT'D)
Oh, you had something you wanted to show me, right? Is it this?
Mac points at the box and Dennis nods dumbly, empty hand emerging from his pocket.
MAC (CONT'D)
I gotta be honest, dude, I don't know if it can top my news, but hit me.
He goes to pull the box over to himself, and it's definitely got some weight to it, but before he can drag it along the counter, Dennis is dragging him, into a kiss.One second: Mac's eyes wide open, fingers still stuck in one of the ribbons' loops, Dennis's eyes screwed shut, kind of nervous.Two seconds: Mac smiling as much as possible with his mouth still occupied, now kissing back.Three seconds: And so on.CUT TO:INT. PADDY'S — SAMEIt's the same scene, but not consecutive: now facing the door, we follow close on Charlie as he rushes in.
CHARLIE
Alright, guys, this is it, I have something important to show— Oh goddammit.
Dee, from one of the back booths, looks up at Charlie's entrance. She grimaces a little as her eyes glance over the scene at the bar.
DEE
Yeah, they're gonna be at it for a while.
CHARLIE
So all this was for nothing?!
He shakes around the book and steps toward where Mac and Dennis are still making out against the bar, looking like he's gonna start hitting them at any minute.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
I did a rush job on something I've been planning for years for nothing?!?!
DEE
Nah, come on, lemme see it.
INT. BOOTH — SAMECharlie throws the book on the table and himself into the opposite booth. When Dee cracks it open, we see that every page is covered in glitter glue, sweet little doodles, and pictures of Mac and Dennis and the rest of the gang (plus former cohorts) (except Schmitty) over the years.We catch a couple of specific pictures as she flips through: Mac and Dennis passed out on their couch, the sides of their heads from the backseat of the Range Rover, baby-faced them and Charlie arguing at prom, wandering around Philly, all four of them at the bar in the early days.INTERCUT — SCRAPBOOKDee lingers on a picture of all five of the gang in their Atlantic City outfits.
DEE (V.O.)
Oh yeah, I remember that.
Pan right to show the picture of Dennis and Chase Utley but with a different picture of fancy Mac cut out so it maybe sorta looks he was there too.
DEE (V.O.)
Uhhh, don't remember that.
Despite the perhaps slapdash nature of the finer points, Charlie clearly put a lot of effort into it.INT. BOOTH — SAMECharlie looks a little mollified, although he keeps turning every so often to glare at the bar.
DEE (CONT'D)
Where'd you even get all these?
CHARLIE
Well, I dunno, I used to take a lot of pictures, but some of the stuff I got from my mom or Mac's stuff, like the one with Poppins—
He leans over to flip past a couple pages to where a spread of Mac on one side with Poppins and Dennis with Special Agent Jack Bauer on the other. The page is covered in animal stickers. It is adorable.
MAC (O.S.)
Wait, did you say Poppins?
Mac and Dennis appear, Mac sliding into the booth next to Charlie and Dennis leaning over him.
MAC (CONT'D)
Poppins!
DENNIS
Is this the shit you kept trying to show me?
CHARLIE
Yes, wh—! Dude I told you I had a plan, if you had just let me—
MAC
(soft)
Hey Dennis, look.
Mac doesn't looked up from the book, even as Dennis leans over closer.From over Dennis's other shoulder, we see the picture Mac is talking about. It's of an obscenely young looking Mac and Dennis, presumably at Dennis's graduation from Penn, as he's wearing one of those ugly-shiny blue robes. Mac is pointing at something in his other hand, probably Dennis's stupid degree, but Dennis is just staring at Mac, his arm around his shoulder, his grin soft and excited.In present day, we see Mac now looking up at Dennis not looking back. Then Dennis looks back. Then they're attacking each other with their lips.
DEE
Nope, nope nope nope.
She scrambles out of the opposite side of the booth. Charlie's scream builds as he launches himself over the table to follow her.FADE OUT.
TAG
FADE IN:INT. MAC AND DENNIS'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHTMac and Dennis are on their sofa, flipping through Charlie's scrapbook for them. Mac has one arm around Dennis, who is leaned all up along Mac's side so he can turn the pages.It would look like a lovely little "established relationship in a sitcom" domestic moment if it weren't for the fact that we know these people are still absolute monsters worthy only of each other's love.
DENNIS
What the hell does that even mean?
INSERT — SCRAPBOOKThe page has a couple of pictures of Mac and Dennis circa last season doing nothing at the bar (one is truly just them on their phones, five feet apart) adorned with a couple shamrock drawings in an attempt to make it look more festive.At the top of the left page, "RIYU KNIGHTD AN TIT PHEELSO GUD" is scrawled in lime green.
MAC (V.O.)
"Rye-yoo"— Oh my god, "reunited and it feels so good"?
DENNIS (V.O.)
Jesus fucking— Oh my god.
Cut back to Dennis, who is not impressed.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
We really gotta get that kid help.
MAC
He's been doing better! He can spell things sometimes, look, he got our names right!
Mac flips to the inside front cover, where "MAC AND DENNIS MAMOREES" is written in jagged but delicate marker.
DENNIS
Yeah, and then he wrote that we have mammaries.
MAC
You know what he meant.
Mac flips back to the page they were on, grimacing a little when he reaches some pages stuck together.Dennis leans over and peels them apart to reveal some pictures of the gang skiing over the years, now covered in blue and orange glitter.
MAC
Okay, I'll admit, he didn't have to go so heavy on the glue, but whatever. It's nice, he tried.
Dennis rolls his eyes, but keeps turning the pages as he slumps a little bit more against Mac's side.Neither of them talks for a little while, then, just when we think the episode will just fade out:
DENNIS
Hey Mac?
MAC
Mhm?
DENNIS
Would you say I won you back?
Mac blinks and tries to look at Dennis, but Dennis just keeps turning pages.
MAC
From... what?
No answer. Mac smiles, beatific.
MAC (CONT'D)
Oh Dennis...
DENNIS
Hm?
Mac lays his head sweetly on top of Dennis's. Dennis is softening.
MAC
Of course not.
Dennis lurches back to the other side of the sofa, expression narrowing, then back in with claws out, going for the eyes.
DENNIS
MAC
You son of a—!
Ow!
Mac (being generally who he is while also now no longer afraid of scaring Dennis off) fights back.
MAC
I meant cuz you never lost me, asshole!
DENNIS
I'm gonna kill you!
The scuffle continues.FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE