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His brown eyes, once cheerful and full of life, were now dull and emotionless.He didn’t know when it had happened. Maybe it was after Afghanistan. Maybe it was after the New York attack, or maybe after all the trouble with Aldrich Killian. The truth is, he had no idea. He was depressed, and he had to accept that, but he didn’t know how to.When people started noticing it, he started making up excuses: he was just feeling tired because of how much he has been working. He would feel better tomorrow. No, he didn’t lose any weight, that was just their imagination. But the worst came when he actually tried to open up and talk about it. He actually felt like he should have kept his mouth shut. Some people would say “Don’t think about it”. Little did they know how helpless that would make him feel.“Get over it” some told him.If only he could.They would say “I know how you feel, you just need to think positive!” without knowing how bad he wanted to punch them in that moment. He also wanted to punch himself.“It could be worse”. Maybe they are right, it could be worse. According to the rest of the world, it’s not like he had any reasons to act like he did. He had a house (a pretty big one), food, friends that he considered family and a wonderful girlfriend that he feels he doesn’t deserve.He had tried everything his doctor told him to do, thinking positive, exercising, creating new and better food habits, getting sunlight and trying to socialize more.His doctor also told him to try to get eight or more hours of sleep at night. And that’s where the problem was.He couldn’t sleep at night knowing that the love of his life layed peacefully next to him, while he stayed up wondering either where would he be now if things had gone in a different way or what could possibly go wrong in his life next. What if his dad had been there for him?What if his parents hadn’t been killed?What if he actually listened to Rhodey’s advice back in Afghanistan? Would he still have the arc reactor? Would he still be Iron Man?What if he never met Pepper? Would they still be together?What if the Chitauri had never invaded New York?What if someone broke into his house at night and he didn’t notice?What if, the next time he needed to go out and fight the bad guys, he gets hurt?What if Pepper gets fed up of his Avenging and leaves him?What if…Pepper.It was a vicious circle. He tried not to think about it too much, but he couldn’t help but wonder…What if Pepper got hurt? He could deal with a lot, he would even understand if she left him (because, if he was being honest with himself, he could be a lot to handle sometimes), but if she got hurt, even if it was just a scratch, he would never forgive himself, especially if he accidentaly hit her during one of his nightmares.He tried to explain it to her one day - “I'm a piping hot mess. It's been going on for a while. Nothing's been the same since New York.”
“Oh, really? I didn't notice that at all.”
He wouldn’t admit it, but her sarcasm hurt. He felt like she saw it as something way less serious than it actually was.
“You experience things and then they're over, and you still can't explain them. Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I'm just a… man in a can. The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you. I'm lucky. But honey, I can't sleep. You go to bed, I come down here. I do what I know.”
He was trying, he really was, but he couldn’t rest until he felt she would be safe, because if he didn’t have her, he had absolutely nothing.
“Threat is imminent. And I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you.”
Even on the rare nights where he would be able to actually fall asleep at decent hours, his subconcious didn’t help. Those were the nights when the worst kind of thoughts would show up. He feared those vivid dreams where he would imagine the worst kind of scenarios. Those nights were usually followed by mornings feeling worse than he would if he hadn’t slept at all. The moment he would wake up at ungodly hours of the morning, he had to go downstairs.
“And my suits, they're… machines. But they're part of me. A distraction.”
If he had to be honest, Tony knew he would loathe himself if he had to see Pepper walk away from his life. But, deep down, he knows it would be better than seeing her being buried six feet under. Because, if she was not alive, then he didn’t see the point in living at all.